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tavina-writes · 7 months

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MDZS Society! aka: there's a lot less killing than you'd expect

This follows from this post and also the recent translations of MXTX’s most recent interview (which I can now no longer bother to find bc this has been sitting in drafts for like, siiiix months? More? Oh god anyway.) which reminded me about my feelings regarding MDZS society and how different it is from the martial societies we see depicted in typical modern wuxia. (Small disclaimer, I am a wuxia genre fiend and I love like, thinking about fictional societies so this is like, “AHA! You’ve unlocked my trap card!”)

For the purposes of this, I’m going to be looking at MDZS/CQL’s depiction of the jianghu (which I think is fairly similar! I don’t actually think the show writers made CQL’s jianghu/martial society more genre typical than it was in the book) and comparing that with modern classic wuxia (mostly Jin Yong and Gu Long works.) For this comparison, I’ll be looking at a Jin Yong book — Legend of the Condor Heroes (which is widely considered the starting point of modern wuxia as a genre) — and one Gu Long book — Dagger Li/Sentimental Swordsman, Ruthless Sword (widely considered his most popular work) — and seeing how their societies differ from MDZS society.

This will likely come in two parts because this one was already getting long, and I don’t think we can fit “how often does nobility exist in a typical jianghu and what do bloodline sects look like normally versus what they look like in MDZS” in this post along with the main topic of “is MDZS society a particularly physically violent place?”

This post discusses how often cultivators are socially expected to kill people. Like, actual living human beings instead of, say, monsters or ghosts which have been categorized differently than like, human beings.

EDIT: I forgot to talk about Dagger Li but this was already much too long sorry. Feel free to hmu for more thoughts though.

Now, it might be easy to think that cultivators killing actual people is a really common thing in MDZS/CQL universe! After all, they do have martial arts training and one of the prominent things about the first life is just how many people die both in the Sunshot Campaign and the fallout afterwards. However, I would argue that a lot of the traumas and related issues and reactions that happen in MDZS happen because cultivators are, by training and education, not actually prepared for killing actual living breathing human beings! (And also that the morality of this world prevents it for the most part)

Now, we do actually get a pretty good window into what the typical training is like for young cultivators in MDZS, because we get a fairly well defined schoolhouse scene where LQR is asking them questions about "how do you tell the difference between various different problems we have to solve?" and "how do you go about fixing this problem?" and none of those include the moral quandary of "if I, a young cultivator out in the Jianghu, see a guy who is doing something I morally disagree with, under what circumstances do I beat him up and/or kill him." This does not appear to enter the curriculum at any point, leading me to believe that the morally correct number of people not like, ghosts or ghouls or fierce corpses, a regular average MDZS cultivator is supposed to have killed is approximately 0.

Which. Is a thing you get in a normal martial arts wuxia jianghu. There is generally the threat of "oh yeah this that or the other faction will be doing shitty things and thereby try to murder you." Instead, in MDZS/CQL most of the heirs of sects are...attending school together. Doing teenage things like partying and gossiping and attending classes.

And sure yes, there was a case of WWX and JZX trying to beat each other up. But the sects did sure let their kids stay at Lan summer camp for months on end (sometimes repeatedly, see NHS) without fearing for their lives or that anyone would steal another sect's techniques or otherwise causing real havoc or intersect warfare etc.

Which is infeasible in any other sort of Jianghu situation. For example, contrast this scenario with this scene from LOCH where Guo Jing's shifus are giving him advice since he is newly 17 and about to set out by himself into the great big world:

Guo Jing therefore bid farewell to his teachers. They had witnessed his battle against the Four Demons of the Yellow River, and were not too greatly worried. The young man had proved that he knew how to use the skills that they taught him. Therefore they let him leave alone. On one hand, the meeting of outlaws in Yanjing worried them greatly, so that they could not ignore it; and on the other hand, a youngster always had to travel the jianghu alone, in order to learn lessons that no teacher could pass on. At the moment of parting, each made their last recommendations. As usual when the Six spoke after one another, Nan Xiren was the last one to express himself. "If you cannot defeat the enemy," he said. "Flee!" He knew that given Guo Jing's dogged character, he would prefer to die rather than to surrender, if he met a master, he would certainly fight to the bitter end, even at the risk of death. That was the reason Nan Xiren gave him this common sense warning. " Martial arts have no limits," added Zhu Cong. " As the proverb says, 'For every peak there is one yet higher', so for every man there is one stronger. Whatever your power, you will always one day meet a foe stronger than you. A true man knows to retreat when necessary, when facing grave danger, it is necessary to contain one's impatience and anger. This what is meant by the adage, « If one preserves the earth and its forests, one does not fear to lack firewood ». It is not therefore not cowardly to take good advice! When the enemy is too numerous and that you cannot face them there, it is especially necessary to avoid being too reckless. Keep in mind Fourth Shifu's advice!"

Does this seem like the sort of advice that any Young MDZS Cultivator would get? "You're a good kid, but when you go out into the world, there will be people who straight up want you dead even though they met you 15 minutes ago, you cannot persist in fighting with these people because they will want you dead and you are a baby cultivator who needs to learn to run away when shit gets rough or you will be dead."

And again I come back to how MDZS cultivators are more like occupational ghostbusters because this really does inform how their society functions and runs and how everyone reacts so badly to the Sunshot Campaign beginning and its aftermaths and possibly explains how JGS could get his way after Sunshot.

Because what happens when you get a society that does train heavily in martial arts and have Able To Kill Real People Weapons who spends most of their time solving very black and white situations of "okay is this ghost whose eating people's livers good or bad? y/n?" and a clear hierarchy of "how do we get rid of the ghost eating people's livers in town x" instead of say "is it morally correct to kill this group of bandits who's been threatening the town" or "is it morally correct to kill this shitty businessman who's been holding people hostage and threatening to hack off their limbs" you have a reduced level of philosophical musing on like, "what is the purpose of martial arts, which is designed to kill people and what do I use martial arts for?" and "under what circumstances and situations would I personally find it morally correct to kill a man?" Which are all questions that Wuxia coming of age stories typically have, and I think MDZS does have, but expressed differently.

Again, it appears that the number of Real Live Human Beings that it is morally acceptable to have stabbed in your life is approximately 0 in this universe, and the expectation that you, personally, might have to fend off people trying to stab you over brunch is also approximately 0.

This also leads to a situation where like, questions of vengeance have very difficult escape hatches! If your parents are murdered on the job by an evil rampaging ghost, this is very sad and tragic and now you're an orphan and of course that's not good, but this is a occupational job hazard, not like, "Yeah Joe Bob from the sect down the street murdered my dad because #Reasons~, and now it's my legacy to grow up to murder Job Bob from the sect down the street to avenge my dad."

(I have a whole essay about how this pertains to both of the Nie Brothers, and how it pertains to JGY and also Jin Ling, and how this seems to routinely fuck people up in MDZS in a very specific way we don't typically see in other wuxias, but this is getting SO long as it is).

But yeah "the socially acceptable number of real living people (instead of ghosts or demons or fierce corpses or whatever) to have killed in your lifetime as a cultivator is approximately 0" means that the Sunshot Generation gets really really fucked up by all of this "killing real people" they did.

Which! might be why JFM was so slow to move on "yeah the Wen are threatening to kill your heirs." <- socially inconceivable behavior. Why society in general is so shocked by Xue Yang and the murder of the Chang <- which would be bad normally but not quite like this. And why no one did anything specific about JGS even if they felt he wasn't entirely correct. What are they going to threaten him with? Death???? A trial of his peers? Social Shunning??? Public shame???

"But Tav how does this relate to CQL!Su She's morality?" I hear you ask. Well you see, the question of "he should've been ready to die for his sect!" is utterly baffling in a society where nobody is expected to be ready to die for their sect on a regular basis because the idea that you should be ready for someone trying to stab you before brunch is utterly nonsensical in a world where most people expect that the baseline number of murders a cultivator does in their lifetimes is 0. That's the world he lives in.

On this regard CQL!Su She is utterly blameless. Nobody handed him a rulebook or expectations sheet for "the sect down the street will try to kill you" nor SHOULD they expect he'd be ready to die at a drop of a hat when no part of the education or social expectations include "ready to die for your sect because it's routine for people to try to kill you."

If you don't even expect to be stabbed and possibly die at a discussion conference where there are lots of cultivators from many sects why on EARTH would you expect to be facing down death in your own home when there's. cultivators here to kill you, this situation is so out of left field?

#modao zushi #mdzs #meta #my meta #su she #this is not a society *without* violence to be clear #but it's not the sort of place where it'll have been acceptable to murder and maim before breakfast #and that's why traumas happen as they do #I've been sitting on this for ages #please don't discourse in my notes about if 'murder' is a good thing or a bad thing #this is just an observation on like #'is it societally common for cultivators to run around killing people?'#the answer to this question is no

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alexbkrieger13 · 3 months

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Full artcle

I couldn't hold back my tears.

I don't know if it's age, but I seem to get more emotional in these situations.

It's difficult to put into words what I felt when I jumped onto the ice at the Verdun Auditorium on January 13 for our team's home opener.

The crowd was incredible, but it was more than just the ovation that put me in this state. This emotion represented years of effort. I dreamed of this moment for a long time and, finally, we were there.

When I saw great women like Caroline Ouellette, France St-Louis, Kim St-Pierre and Danielle Goyette arrive on the ice, I got chills. I was so happy that people recognized them and gave them the ovation they deserve. Without them, I would not have had the same career.

I'll be honest. At one point, I feared this moment would never come. It took longer than expected. Yes, there were these showcases , weekends where matches were organized in different cities, but it had nothing to do with a real professional league.

JI remember the first time I came to see the installations in Verdun with Danièle Sauvageau. There was almost nothing done. We had our work boots and construction helmets. She had a vision which she explained to me in detail. But I really had a hard time imagining it.

Marie-Philip Poulin greets the crowd after a Montreal team match.

PHOTO: LPHF MONTREAL/ARIANNE BERGERON

Our fans are the best. Friends who play on other teams told me that. It's not a crowd like any other in Montreal. She is noisy. She is invested. It's important to me to give back to people who are on the move. I am now more comfortable in this role. It’s the experience that comes in, you have to believe.

Before a live interview on Radio-Canada during an intermission at the Verdun Auditorium, a boy called me to offer me a treat. He threw one at me and I caught it in midair with my mouth. I started my interview anyway, with a smile on my face and my mouth full. It's part of my identity, my personality. Interaction with young people is really important to me.

The enthusiasm for our league is very real. I feel it. I hear it too. In Ottawa, I got booed when I went for a penalty shot. Being booed at home, in Canada, I admit that it's a first! It's weird, but it doesn't bother me. After all, that's what we wanted: a competitive league, rivalries and fans who identify with their city.

After a game in Minnesota, we went for a beer. Fathers came to see us to tell us how excited they were to see professional women's hockey. I saw how happy they were for us. It was in Minnesota, we are the team from Montreal and, despite everything, we attract attention.

This anecdote made me realize how our situation has nothing to do with what we experienced in the past. The enthusiasm is there and I have the impression that it is not just the effect of novelty. It will last and it's truly magical.

OHe talks to me a lot about this match last January 20, against Toronto . In fact, I'm mostly told about this goal scored with 17 seconds left in the third period and that we lost by one goal. Honestly, I don't know what happened. I had a blackout . It's rare that I take the puck and try to get to the goal on my own. I saw an opening. It was not premeditated. I was the first surprise when I scored.

Then, I was sent to shootouts four times by my coach. I obviously wasn't ready for that. It took me a little by surprise. It's not my favorite rule, but I'll get used to it.

I was burned out after that match. It's a lot of adaptation. LPHF games, Canada-US Rivalry Series, travel. We're not used to having such a big workload. You have to prepare well, but also make sure you recover well. That's the beauty of this league. It allows me to continue to surpass myself, to learn new things.

Marie-Philip Poulin

PHOTO: LPHF MONTREAL/ARIANNE BERGERON

I like hockey. I love that. And what I prefer is when the score is close. I like it when you have to give a little more, when you have to empty the tank. When it really counts, that's when I'm at my best. It turns me on.

My parents always told me: You practice like you play. It always stuck in my mind. I don't take anything for granted. I am aware of the pressure, but I have learned to manage it over the years. I don't forget that it's a team sport. I'm lucky to have been able to achieve some of these great moments, but I know I'm not alone in this.

I won Olympic medals, but I also lost world championships. I even wondered if I was capable of winning one. The 2018 Olympics were arguably the most difficult time of my career. I was practically hiding. I didn't want to see anyone. I thought I had disappointed the whole world by failing to bring home the gold medal.

I also learned not to read everything, to leave certain comments aside. Hockey is such a difficult sport. You can do the same thing every game, but the rebound won't go your way, it won't work or the opposing goalie will be on fire. I keep in mind that if you give your maximum in every match, it will happen.

People expect me to score goals, but that's not all I am. I take a lot of pride in blocking shots, in raising sticks in defensive withdrawal. I can still improve my defensive game. To win championships, you have to count, but the little details in the defensive zone will make the difference.

Marie-Philip Poulin and Laura Stacey celebrate a goal together on January 2, against Ottawa

PHOTO: LPHF MONTREAL/ARIANNE BERGERON

Even though she has been on the national team for a long time and is one of the best players in the world, Laura Stacey is less known to Quebec fans. Why her, they then asked themselves?

I knew full well that Danièle Sauvageau had not chosen her because she is my fiancée. Laura, she's an incredible player. A real power forward who has remarkable discipline.

She chose to move to another province. She is learning the language and doesn't hesitate to try to do bits of interviews in French. It's not easy, but she embraces her new reality.

I'm proud of her. I am proud to see her doing promotions for the media in French. I'm proud that people are discovering her personality, the player she is and that Montrealers are falling in love with her because she really deserves it.

OI often ask myself why I continue.

I don't have to play hockey. I do it because I love it. I feel the best on the ice.

I have the Olympic gold medals, the World Championship gold medals. Now I want to win an LPHF title in Montreal, at home.

Having a positive impact on the next generation has become my priority. To see the little girls in the stands, with stars in their eyes, it's worth more than championships, it's worth more than medals.

Eventually, I want to start a family. It would be in my next projects. We love kids, so this is really important to us.

For the moment, it's still hockey first and foremost.

Marie-Philip Poulin has fun during off-ice training

PHOTO: LPHF MONTREAL/ARIANNE BERGERONStart of widget. Skip widget?

Comments collected by Christine Roger

Header photo by LPHF Montréal/Arianne Bergeron

#this is so sweet #marie philip poulin #laura stacey #pwhl #pwhl montreal #woho #womens hockey #hockey #hockey article

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bawnjourno · 11 months

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without further ado... Sparks Austin recap

I won’t elaborate but the two days of travel to get here were very exhausting and trying. I rolled up to the venue, prepared to maybe sit during some songs and nurse a Diet Coke.

I had never been to Austin before and boy, is it a music oriented city. Not just the venues but the people, the culture. There were multiple fans in Hippo tour shirts, a fully cosplayed Cate Blanchett, and lots of women in beautiful dresses. The Moody Center’s hallway had snapshots of all the cool people that had played there. I love venues with history!

I was worried that the venue set up would be annoying or awkward but I got to my front row seat and I was 4 feet from the stage, just off to the left of Ron’s piano - the perfect view.

The show started... a lot of U.S. venues had audiences who mostly sat and then got up during MTCYDT but the two thirty something hipster dudes behind me stood the whole time so I got to stand and dance :) And a good chunk of the crowd on the left stayed standing too! I was drenched with sweat maybe 4 songs in and it was amazing. All my tiredness and stress melted away as I was loudly singing and dancing.

This crowd was electric, so loud and responsive and to the Latte cuts too! Not just the hits! People were going crazy for TGICIHL in a way that Milwaukee was more subdued about. Russell smiled at me really big early in the show, probably because I knew the words and was loud and enthusiastic. I got a cute SMWS Russell tummy jump video which I will post later.

During Nothing Is As Good As They Say It Is, I obviously knew the way Russell sashayed and waved his arm back and forth during the chorus from other shows and was mimicking him. He locked eyes with me and we did the hand punctuating thing at each other during that TWICE.

I am a “woo”er I will freely admit that and so I am constantly obnoxiously screaming and clapping and just being super loud. So I obviously was screaming my head off when Ron got up for Shopping Mall Of Love. During the second chorus he looked DIRECTLY at me and went “yeah ✊” I will post video later but I was shakinggggggg.

There were lots of loud applause breaks and late-ish in the show (can’t remember when), Ron looked directly at me again and mouthed “thank you”. Like no thank YOUUUUUUUU KING!

I know Russell bounces around a lot on stage, HOWEVER, the way this stage was set up, it was probably a bit harder to get to our side of the stage, but he came over a lot anyway and I have to think it was partially because of me because he seemed to almost be finding excuses to come dance with us even when he was about to have to start singing again 🤗

Eli dancing and feeling the music was so slay I love that short king jfdgkjrfkjg

I’m not sure how or why Russell would ever EVER feel self conscious about his tummy.... I was lucky to get it captured during SMWS... during MTYCTD though he danced over and it was too fast for me to get filmed but I basically was 4 feet from the man and watched his tummy bounce out from under his t-shirt for a good 5-7 seconds... mesmerized is the most polite way to put how I felt in that moment but oh my fucking god 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫 [redacted] [censored] [an oncoming train whistle obscures what i’m about to say] but suffice it to say [meme voice] I think I hauve covid...

And the open collar and sweat obviously..... yeah.

As I divulged to a few of you and was encouraged by @jefffreybeaumont, the plan was to make a sign that says “YOU’RE MUCH HOTTER THAN THE GALLAGHER BROTHERS” because in interviews they’re always being asked how they don’t fight like the Gallaghers or the Davies. The secret spice was typing it out in Barbie font. I somehow managed to not get it wrinkled in my over 1000 mile 2 day voyage and held it up during the shuffle. I don’t think Russell could read it because he was farther away but during the shuffle I held it up. It was hard to tell Ron’s reaction because I was multitasking but I watched later and sent it to @rhythmthlef and she says his face showed “bemused self effacement” fdkjgkldjsfkg.

Something I’d stupidly personally worried about for ages was that Ron and Russell didn’t care about the U.S. as much - the U.K. has always embraced them and I’d worried that they didn’t think of these shows as special or meaningful because radio stations here don’t give them the time of day and they don’t always sell out. Since Chicago, I don’t worry about that anymore. Their faces shine with excitement, pride, and pure joy at EVERY SHOW. They’ve gotten more fans since TSB and opportunities that they wouldn’t have gotten ten years ago, even in the U.S. I mean, NPR Tiny Desk! Wow. Russell was emphasizing that the feelings of the shows “don’t go away when we go to the next city” and I could tell that he really meant it.

Eli came out for the encore in the bucket hat and a red Southern style bandana - very cute. The man who took the photo handed Russell his cowboy hat beforehand and Russell says, “Oh yeah, my hat.” He then proceeds to put it on, smirk confidently at the audience, and say, “What’s up, yall? You from these parts?”WHAT IS WRONG W HIMMMMMMMM GFHJDKJGFKLDSJFKDS CALIFORNIA DOOFUS!!! And I fought for my life squeezing into the pic but I’m in there! Right behind the keyboard!

The pic is taken and I know my chance is now. I start screaming for Ron (who was a bit closer to me) but he doesn’t hear me. I then start screaming at the top of my lungs “RUSSELL!!! I HAVE A LETTER!! RUSSELL!!” and after about 7 times he hears and sees me and meanders over and takes the letter and 2 rainbow Sparks logo acrylic pins (the ones I sold to some of yall a couple months ago)! I’m not sure if they’ll wear the pins but I had to try. I do hope they read the letter - they really do mean everything to me. I was unsure that I’d get their attention at all, so I didn’t get the moment I handed it on film, but I do have a video of Russell holding and then glancing down at the letter. They were leaving the stage and Russell stopped to hold hands with multiple people on his way offstage.

I stood there for a minute, very emotional, then made my way out. As I left, a security guard off to the side went “Hey, you sang all night man, that was great.” and I just replied “They’re my favorite band, you’ve gotta be passionate, y’know, thanks!” Even non fans know I’m a real one kgcjkgjfdkjgfd.

My Lyft driver was super sweet and chatty and I rode back to my hotel feeling like I was floating on a cloud.

Random sidenotes: A) They cut “Toughest Girl In Town” which I didn’t realize til later - I’m sure they’re getting tired near the end of the tour B) Eli is truly such a talented guitarist? He slayed the Bon Voyage solo. He was right in front of me so I really got to see him shine (in my brief moments not zeroed in on Ron and Russell) but obviously the whole band is amazing C) I sent Alissa snaps of me during Beaver O’Lindy and they said “You’re almost singing louder than Russell is” kdgfjkdjkg D) This was the one time I didn’t cry during It Doesn’t Have To Be That Way because I was sweating so much that [Lucille Bluth voice] I couldn’t spare the moisture E) I will share a few videos but I swear my singing is horrendous and embarrassing so just the key moments jfdgjfi F) I used almost 10GB of memory on photos and videos...

The plan is to get a Sparks tattoo within the year. I’ve gotta do it. They are so special to me. I’ve been into bands before and I don’t regret any of it but this feels different and special. This truly feels like where I belong as a fan and a person and as someone who has always felt strange and awkward and out of place. But there’s one place and one song and that’s Sparks.

SparksTour forever ✨

#sparks tour 2023 #my posts

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stillgeekingout · 5 months

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I was gonna be like "would you believe it's my 10th one of these" but apparently tumblr has a CHARACTER LIMIT now????? why would they nerf me on the year I decided not to worry about how long it was

anyway I guess I'm splitting this in 2 so reflections on 2023 part one~

let's start with work bc then I want to be done with it: I spent all year doing trainings (& 2 conferences) and researching and preparing to apply for an advisor position if it ever opened up. it did open up in spring, I applied and did not get it, the new advisor was not good and got fired, I applied again having done much more training and still did not get it, I applied for a different advisor position trying to triumphantly leave my office and did not get that either. so now I’m still in my same position working under the person who beat me for the job but this time with a bunch of extra responsibility that I gave myself trying to prep to be promoted. lol. if I sound very bitter it’s because I am :))))

all that being said, I do still mostly like my job from day to day. and I still want to do advising, probably. if they’ll ever hire me for it

related to work but less bitter: I had mostly good relationships with my coworkers. one of them was pregnant for a lot of the year and just had her baby last week and I’m very excited to meet her (we went to her baby shower despite all her friends being Very Christian lol it was a time) (this coworker is uhhhh A Lot but it’s complicated lol). I got to be on the hiring committee for another coworker which was a cool experience and also she is very nice. got closer with another coworker who I previously had kind of a tenuous relationship with (and now she works fully remote so it doesn’t even matter) (jk)

another thing I did in my quest to Be Hireable was basically take over supervising the student leaders (work study students) at work. shoutout to esteban, isa, aar and sheri lol

I have inherited my mother’s trait of getting attached to problem children. there are several students who are a recurring Thorn In My Side but also I’m rooting for them

last work thing that is only tangentially a work thing: I became the advisor for GSA at my campus and now I have a bunch of queer college students under my wing. a few of us walked in pride which was my first time being in the parade and it was wild. also we had an event for trans awareness week and I am proud of them for coming up with it :)) more exciting things to come this year. feels good to have a little corner where I can provide support in the face of so many attacks from the FL govt

let’s get the other big bad thing out of the way! my mental health was shit lol. I briefly was doing virtual appointments with a therapist in the spring but it mostly just made me feel weird and untherapizable. (as in, I didn’t feel like I was getting much out of it but I think part of that was that it was zoom calls from my car on my phone during lunch breaks) although it did lead to me leaving my phone outside of the bedroom at night and putting timers on my apps which I think have been net positives even if they haven’t made as much of a difference as I hoped.

the aforementioned job stress was a huge part of it, the application process lasted like 2 months and then they left me on the hook after the interview for Multiple Weeks which was. a bad time.

another part of it was I was alone a lot on weekends and I’m not very good at using my time off to do fun and nice things when I’m by myself, usually I end up just stewing in my brains. I did try to get in the habit of occasionally going to these nice gardens near us so maybe I will do that more this year also.

also health related: got my first mammogram this year. it was uncomfortable but fine. also got my first pap smear which was QUITE PAINFUL AND UNPLEASANT but I did survive it

also tangentially health related: I tried a few times throughout the year to do yoga. for a lil bit I was doing it with some coworkers after work once a week. some of it I did with some people from the carry on discord. it was very intermittent but better than nothing at all!

last health thing: my dad’s siblings had an Exceptionally Shitty Summer. one of his sisters died, another of his sisters had an extreme staph infection and was in the hospital for weeks, and one of his brothers had a mini stroke and possibly also a heart attack? the latter two are doing okay now but it was rough for a minute there

ENOUGH BAD STUFF I turned 30 this year! three full decades on this earth

Ingrid got her work authorization and a job and later in the year her green card!

I paid off my car (and also my car is having a lot of minor problems but that’s just… having a car)

I made a few financial mistakes (messed up our taxes, accidentally got a best buy credit card) but they are hopefully still fixable and overall we still saved money by the end of the year. we tried to keep a budget for a while but it was hard to keep up with. we also tried to join a credit union but their customer service was really weird

made a halfhearted attempt at local politics (went to a few protests, one city planning thing, and one socialist alternative meeting)

stay tuned for part 2 since tumblr hates me apparently

#genuinely so annoyed????? since when does tumblr have a character limit???????#personal?#part 2 coming imminently

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boysplanetrecaps · 2 months

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Build Up Episode 9 Recap Part 2: Flower and Guide for a Subtitle Lite Environment

Hey team! Thanks for coming back to my Build Up recap series. In the last one, I began recapping ep 9 but ran out of space for more photos. With the subtitles AWOL for this portion of the episode, I’ve been doing my best with google translate and my vague knowledge of Korean. I’ve been taking more screenshots than usual to help you connect what’s going on on-screen to the recap, so this will take up two posts (I’m only allowed to use 30 images per post). Anyway, enjoy!

I’m using this video link if you need one.

So, Jay’s team is still mid-preparation.

Cut to -- it’s evening and the team has gone to a recording studio of the composer of their new song.

Yes, hello, I am also Team Baekho. Thank you for asking.

The tattoo says “N’abandonnez pas” which is “Don’t give up” in French. So inspirational! I’m inspired. Are you?

Knock knock! The guys come in and say hello. This is composer Lee Beomhoon, also known as Prismfilter.

You guys, this isn’t a top tier producer. He has co-producer and arranger credits, mostly with Seventeen, but it’s not like he’s out there writing hit after hit after hit. Shinsadong Tiger or Dem Jointz he is not. They’re saying that he worked on a lot of famous songs, but it was as a producer or arranger, not as a composer, as far as I can tell. That doesn’t mean he can’t write a song, but just that he’s not as top tier as they’re making him out to be. If I’m wrong, let me know.

He asks them if they’ve listened to the song yet, they say yes, he asks what they thought of it. (Meanwhile, the crawl at the bottom of the screen is advertising a Build Up concert series in June.) We see them hearing a clip of the song and loving the R&B style.

Jay is happy that it’s sexy, because Jay knows how these shows works. Get those pants sparkling, lads!

Prismfilter says the song is understated sexy, like a black rose, “rather than being too red and passionate and sexy.” A “dark sexy.” And they guys are like, ooh so cool. Bitsaeon says, “I was just talking about a black rose!”

Bitsaeon interviews, “At that time, I was feeling euphoric. I think we can really sing this song well!”

They’re recording with temporarily assigned parts (says the on screen caption). Bitsaeon sings a line, and Prismfilter says that’s a good part for him. Same for Seunghun. Then Prismfilter -- I’m going to call him PF -- asks Jay if he wants to adlib a bit.

So he does, and PF says, “ah, perfect adlib.”

Minseo is nervous because this is his first studio recording session. (I guess this team didn’t do a studio recording for the previous round…?) So how will the maknae do?

He sings the line “It feels like I’m drunk,” and PF turns around to ask, “Have you ever really been drunk?” and Minseo says, “just once.”

PF tells him to remember the feeling, and Minseo tries again, but more “drunk” this time, then says, “it’s not working.” PF tells him to try sort of forcing the feeling -- I think, the translation is unclear -- and Minseo sort of stammers. Meanwhile, strategist Bitsaeon is lost in his thoughts. Suddenly Bit pipes up and suggests that Minseo could use a combination of “falsetto and sincerity” and PF likes that idea.

All the hyungs have helpful ideas and Minseo seems thrilled to have such nice helpful hyungs.

Seunghun thinks it should sound kind of “loose” and recommends a review of the rap part to add dynamics to the song.

Seunghun interviews, “In the last round, I hit rock-bottom. For this round, I’m going to write a rap for the first time to help us win.”

He meets with a rapper called Xitsuh (서출구). Xitsuh says, “It doesn’t feel like this is your first time doing this.”

Seunghun is so proud of himself, it’s kind of adorable. Also, I love his pixelated dinosaur sweatshirt. He says that he worked on it for several days and he thinks it came out well.

The guys meet in another unheated room to discuss. There are some mysterious pink boxes on the table. In the words of Han Solo, I have a bad feeling about this.

Seunghun says, “This song is all ours. The sexiness that we talked about -- I think it has to look good on the outside as well.”

Jay says, “Visuals are also important for a sexy style song.”

Minseo is like, “What can we do to take care of visuals?”

Bitsaeon, Age 28, Manager Man

Bitsaeon says he has an idea -- are they curious to hear it? They’re like, just tell us, we want to know! Their acting is really over the top and I’m feeling suspicious. Bitsaeon gets out… a device.

Oh no! It's product placement!!!!!

I’m not translating this part. They all try it and presumably talk about how great it is and how it’s making them even more handsome.

Next meeting. Now they’re in a conference room. Seunghun is wearing his team jacket but he’s the only one.

They’re gathered for practice when they’re suddenly given a mysterious card -- an evaluation.

Apparently, six days before the actual performance, they gathered to record practice performances, and this is their evaluation from the other teams.

“You can check the practice situation” “The teams conducted an interim evaluation”

I don’t really know what the guys are saying in this part because the on-screen caption just says “Calmly evaluating the other teams’ strategies” and my Korean listening skills are waaaaaay too limited for the task. Sorry. But the gist seems to be that they have to choose high and low tiers again.

So, what kind of evaluation did they receive?

All three of the other teams gave them a low tier score.

Haram says that Jay doesn’t mix with the others -- it’s like he’s just performing by himself. Suhwan agrees: “It feels like ‘Jay and the Boys’ all over again.”

Sunyoul says, “The problem is that only Jay is visible.”

Donghun says, “Bitsaeon is really good too, but he’s buried because of Jay.”

Bitsaeon reads these comments out loud and Jay is flummoxed. He says, “Actually, we’re a team. So the feedback that people can only see me is not good.”

And that’s when the subtitles come back, mostly.

Bitsaeon’s like, we got this.

In the next segment, they’re meeting with a choreographer -- and it’s Monika. She’s on a dance troupe called Prowdmon with LipJ, who you might remember from Boys Planet. They’re super intimidated by her. She thinks that Flower needed choreography, and she imagines a “fatal man” who is putting on cologne and fixing his hair.

“The sexy point is to be indifferent,” she advises.

They try dancing.

“Hawk-eyes initiated.”

“You ruined it!” she yells. “Do it again!”

They try again, but they’re not getting it. It’s really hard and they’re worried. So they decide to practice really, really hard. They’re pulling all nighters, which is so ill advised.

I wish people on shows like this would bear in mind that your body doesn’t work right if you don’t get enough sleep. You can’t learn if you don’t sleep. You study and study and it just falls right back out of your brain. It’s like pouring water into a sieve. Not to mention the fact that it plays hell with your mood and your physical condition, including, you know, your VOICE. If you’re in high school or college, please take care of yourself physically, ok? Plan ahead, study daily, don’t pull all nighters. <3 Thank you <3

The judges are excited for the performance, in part because they liked the song itself. Well, yeah, being given a decent song sure helps.

The performance begins.

Full version without reactions

My thoughts:

You can just tell looking at a screenshot that this team is going to win. I mean, I don’t know for sure. I haven’t watched the rest of the episode and I haven’t been spoiled. But I still know. Maybe I’ll be writing a surprised reaction at the end, but I just don’t think so. This team is winning for sure.

The song itself? I mean, it’s fine. It’s missing something, but it’s not bad or anything. IDK. It's better than the other songs, based on the snippets I heard on youtube, but it I can't get into it.

Ok, don’t get mad at me, but I didn’t love love love this. I liked it, I thought they basically did a good job, but I didn’t love it love it love it. So if you loved it and came here hoping to hear what was great about it, I’m sorry. You can skip all this.

I love how the petals never stop falling but also don't really build up on the floor. Interesting. And there are never any actually on them, like in their hair or stuck in the folds of their clothing...

A lot of the problem is the song itself, I’m sure. It’s like someone took a song like Guilty and made tea with it, and then tried to reuse the bag to make another song with it, and that song was this one.

But the rest of the problem is that the dancing changed everything. This is supposed to be a vocal show, and full on choreo isn’t welcome here, in my opinion.

Jay isn’t as good of a dancer as he is a singer, so his stage presence actually is diminished by the dancing. So now they solved the problem of Jay standing out too much by making him not stand out as much. But that’s not a good solution, because now you’ve kind of lost your star, and now you have four interchangeable members, instead of 1 star and 3 backups. His vocals were also slightly negatively affected, too. He did have a few really lovely ad libs toward the end, of course, but I couldn’t just relax and enjoy an amazing vocal performance like I’m used to doing whenever Jay sings.

In fact, all four of them sounded slightly out of breath and the worst they’ve sounded the whole competition. I’m not saying they sounded bad -- just that every single one of them has sounded better in every other performance they’ve done. I come to these performances wanting awesome fucking vocals, and I just got really good vocals here. Seunghun sounded more nasal than he’s sounded in a while, and Bitsaeon sounded strained at points.

I wish there had been more harmony. Also, I wish they’d given more lines to Minseo, too.

And for what it’s worth, this didn’t make my pants sparkle. I guess I just can’t think of any of these guys as sexy, not even for the duration of the song. I think the concept they were trying to do -- “black rose sexy” -- was just too subtle and mature for them. I’ve been racking my brain trying to think of the kind of sexy I think they could do and basically I don’t think these guys should be doing outright mature sexy. I think they’d do best with emo concepts. Basically, think most songs by TXT and I think these guys could do that.

But that’s just my take. If you loved it, cool! I’m glad you found something you loved and that made you happy.

I knew the MNET edit would be absolutely slobbering and it was. I knew everyone would freak out about Seunghun touching Jay on the chin, and they did -- we had to have an instant replay. There are a few more instant replays, too.

When they’re done, everyone goes nuts, of course.

The editors even put the rose petal filter over shots of the judges table.

The judges are judging based on how good the vocals are while they’re dancing, while I just want them to SING.

What will their high score be? It’s a 99 from Jaehwan, who just goes ahead and does whatever he wants, whenever he wants. I think the judges were feeling bad after last week, maybe? They should -- they gave them criminally bad scores last week.

Backstage, the other guys just sort of freeze in silence. It’s going to be tough to win this week.

All the fans cheer and scream, and -- aww, Bitseon is crying, I think. They must have been under so much stress. Poor guys. I like all these guys a lot and want them all to be successful!

Jaehwan says that he felt like he was watching an artist’s performance. That's sweet.

VCG says that Seunghun he knows how to move his body -- and he knows it, that’s why he wore that outfit. Fair! Seunghun definitely did the best with the choreo, from wha tI could see.

Baekho says that maybe it was a mistake putting them first.

And that’s about it for this performance and this segment!

Thanks for going along with me on this ride, and again, sorry that I couldn't gush about this performance like maybe some of you were hoping I would. I still like the members of this team and hope they make it into the finals.

Ok, see you in the next one, when we see Partners be given a song that doesn't really suit them and also isn't good! whee?

#bpr recaps build up #mnet build up #build up mnet #build up #jay chang #cix seunghun

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nopefer-art-tu · 2 years

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i had talked abt this on my twt a few weeks back but lately ive rly been thinking abt the potential to read ennis as aromantic and like. yeah idk i just think its a really intriguing reading into the character

like i personally see both ennis and jack as homosexual for a variety of reasons, mostly bc a. that was the frame of reference that annie proulx was writing under when she had the idea for brokeback mountain (i.e. what would life be like for a ranch hand who was gay?) and b. the book that was given to both heath and jake to prepare for their roles was a compilation of memoirs written by real gay midwestern farmers

BUT. all that aside, i think that an aspec/arospec reading of ennis' character is one of the interesting ways in which we can use the visibility of previously "lesser known" queer identities to analyze this story under a modern lens

cause like, ive mentioned this before but i kinda went insane for awhile and so for the first half of this year i went deep in on brokeback mountain. like, i read every article and listened to every movie podcast about this story that i could get my hands on, and a common debate surrounding the story (so much so that theres a whole section on its wikipedia page dedicated to it) is the debate around whether jack and ennis are gay men or bisexual men

and like...sure, okay, theres definitely valid readings in both of them. I just think that, since our understandings of romantic and sexual attraction and our vocabulary to describe these different experiences has expanded in the 17 years since the movie's release and the 25 years since the short story's initial publishing, we can take a look at these charas under new lenses with which to analyze them with

i think you can make a very valid argument that ennis is a gray-area aromantic who falls in love with the one person in his life who hes able to open up, relate to, and create a super close bond with, especially if you consider ennis' extreme loneliness throughout his entire life. it only really hit me the other day, when i was rly thinking deep about this, how hard it must have been for someone in his circumstances to meet people and make friends around his age, considering the fact that he dropped out of high school as a freshman in order to work to support him and his siblings after his parents died.

couple that w this sort of stoic, distant personality type that the hard, rough, small town american west sort of breeds into men from a young age, and like. i dunno, it makes perfect sense to me that an aromantic ennis would fall in love with the one person who hes forced to spend an extended amount of time with, who he later finds out has also grown up a poor, drop-out ranch hand with a hard home life. especially since jack also made an early effort to get to know ennis, i just think it was all the prime circumstances for him to end up falling in love.

i also think it tracks w both heath and jake's mentality when approaching these characters? cause in interviews they gave at the time, they both kinda maintained this belief that ennis anc jack were both "straight" men who just so happened to fall in love w another man

and like. setting aside the fact that that was a VERY 2005 thing to say, lol, i think the idea of someone like ennis by chance falling in love w a man still tracks if you read him as arospec. like it still comes w all the trials and tribulations of him being invested in this homosexual love affair, as well as all the internal tension he must be feeling (i.e. why am i in love with him? shouldnt i be feeling this way about Alma? what is wrong with me?). like thats very much a universal queer struggle that you can read into his character regardless of what sexual orientation you see him as

anyways tl;dr the conversations around the sexuality of the characters in brokeback mountain is rly fascinating and i think that we can look back with our expanded knowledge of sexuality and see these characters in a lot of interesting ways

#long ass post lmao #either way annie p herself described this story as a sort of litmus test that everyone will read their own things into it #and those things will reveal more about the person analyzing the story than anything else #like i said i maintain the belief that jack and ennis are both gay men. theyrs both homoromantic and homosexual in my eyes #but again i just think its cool to read different things into characters written in a time period w not as nuanced of an understanding of #sexuality stuff as we have now #still brokeback posting #brokeback mountain

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lone-rhapsodist · 1 year

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This has been such an odd ten days. I have been feeling incredibly tired and low and unable to do anything. I have also been very excited about various things, like: 1) applying for a job (still waiting for a response); 2) preparing a lecture to give at school (it's about Classics and I need to do a couple of recordings of it to make sure I don't go overboard, but it should be fine); 3) doing music stuff (yeah, I make music too -- it's actually the main thing I do on the side... when I get to do it, that is). It's been a weird rollercoaster, and I don't quite know what to do about it. Thinking about leaving my job makes doing my job properly seem less worthwhile, and so I find it more difficult to be productive while at work. I am becoming more and more resigned to the possibility that I may just have to stay in this job and be happy with how things are, and try to change things from the inside, but not too hard. After all, I built all these things to work for me, and if I go, then I'll have to start from scratch, and worse, I'll have someone else tell me how to do everything like they want. Here, I am my own boss (mostly) and I make my own purpose. Plus, the kids are nice, and since it's not really possible to develop the subject any further, the job will get easier. Sure, it's still a shitty commute, but if I can make it work, is it really that bad? I don't know. I'll keep looking around for other jobs, especially if the school is nearby -- the one I just applied for is 11 minutes away from where I live. So, if I get an interview, I'll give it my best shot. But if it doesn't happen, it doesn't happen. I'd much rather stay where I am and do my best to make it work. I'd like to try and finally stop taking any work home. Just try to do it all in school. Even the marking, if I can. It's just a matter of honing the routines, seeing if I can game the system, by which I mean gaming myself. But then, life has other plans. Still, it's worth trying. Got nothing to lose. I just wish it could be easier. That's what I keep telling myself. But then, is it ever easy? About two weeks ago, I was riding a massive high after getting a response from Donna Zuckerberg. Then, two days later, a job comes up, the temperature drops ten degrees, my partner comes up with a massive cough, and suddenly, I can't get a single night of good sleep, feel massively tired, and my motivation plummets. Like, it's normal, we're human. We're not meant to be constantly on it, 100%, all of the time. It does not change the fact that it feels like shit, but hopefully, it puts it a bit into perspective. I wish I could be a bit more forgiving of myself. I think that's why I'm writing this. I want to give myself permission to let go and mess up from time to time. Write over 500 words in a row, like these ones, without too much thinking. I'm doing so many things already. Sometimes, I'd rather just be. Anyway. I need to do a couple of things for the project. Hopefully tomorrow, since I'll have some time. Soon, anyway. Soon.

#lone-rhapsodist #personal #job #work #teaching #teacher

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criphd · 2 years

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hello.... idk how to start this tumblr so here's some stuff about logistics & what i've been doing/ what i'll be doing [?] & all the waiting & liminal space & even being excited !! about doing a phd which is one of my dreams in life !!

:)))

i’ve been having a weird time for many reasons & haven't been particularly stable for the past like six months to a year whilst i've been working on phd ideas/proposals/funding applications and although i have had some joyful moments & got to spend lots of time with my fav person i'm really glad all that waiting and deadlines and redrafting over and over and over is over. my phd as a project/idea went through i would say three main iterations - the first was mostly just.... wibbly wobbly.... but the second iteration was what i applied with to all bar one place & it did well with academics who were invariably kind to me about my project, enthusiastic about the authors/ideas in it and happy to supervise me if i got a place - & the project did get me some places.

the last proposal i wrote was for a specific medical humanities, health inequality, interdisciplinary studentship and i think it coalesced my ideas to their peak and is the most successful they've been - altho one of the other applications i did was also recieved really well & the did invite me to take up a place applying for funding & starting it in 2023, that just doesnt work for me !

so my phd, rather than being on the original four women authors i wanted to bring together is instead about a whole range of women sociaists from across the uk who were all writing fiction and non fiction about politics, women, care & relationships and it does mean my time frame shifts to focus more on the 1890s than across them into the twentieth century (so i wont include sylvia townsend warner like i had originally planned which is a little sad). it will tho still cross into 'modernism', & that's good because modernism is really important to me!

i'm also kind of hoping to read/work on some naomi mitchison but im not really sure if she fits in terms of 'era' but like... i think she's cool & vibes with the other women included atm... & i would also love love love to discover some working class women socialists lost in the archive who i can fish out and shout about. (i also need to reread my proposal lol bc i pushed a lot of it out my mind when preparing for an interview on the second project!)

anyway i thought i would write this out as a kind of reflection on what the process of applying & interviewing & not getting funding/etc was like as well as record of the amount of work and effort i put in (along with the many kind people who read drafts & supported me through each application!)

logistically i'm not in a totally fine place but i am going to reapply for funding in my first year and in the mean time get a postgrad loan [grimace emoji] to cover my fees and some living costs and i'm lucky in that my parents can help me financially a lot [!] altho i dont want to rely on them at all really bc they suck a bit. my soon-to-be phd supervisor (!) is really lovely, was rly happy when i said i would take up a place with her & thinks i have a high likelihood of accessing funding and i also have found a couple of places to apply to for small amounts of funding, which give out between around £500 to £3000 for postgrads & which i'll write an application schedule out for soon. as well as u know... finding a place to live... moving... etc etc

the process of applying itself has left me with a little web of kind women (most of whom are obviously queer) academics who loved my proposal[s] and so i also feel like i have some folks i could email for advice/checking in/whatever already, across different institutions and that's really nice!!!

anyway i dont quite know what this tumblr will be or how i will use it but yh... i'm sure i'll be sharing some quotes, some ideas & experiences, study inspiration, complaints about how im treated bc i'm disabled, being gay and falling for ghosts etc etc

#personal #studyblr #criphd #now i get to develop a whole new tagging system for this tumble which i love bc im a capricorn an a bit.... weird #tumblr lol #this process has made me think i might be a little charming lol

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jerrienelock · 3 years

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Without You - Sadie Sink

Takes place after the filming of Stranger Things Season 3

Exhausted.

Sadie is exhausted from all her sleepless nights. The sleep she longs for, no longer around, not since you left. She misses your presence, your hugs, your delicate words, your gentle touches. She just wants to be in your arms relishing in your radiant warmth, feeling your loving kisses to the back of her head.

She just wishes you had told her how you were feeling before that fateful day happened.

Splashes of water coat her face, trying to wake herself up, and cleanse her mind of you so she is prepared for her first interview since you left. Sadie shuts the water off, her hands now firmly on the sink. Her gaze locks with her reflection. Her once smooth skin, disturbed with protruding deep purple bags under her broken teal eyes. Her lips automatically dropping into a deep miserable frown, she finds no need for her mouth to break away from that position for it was practically engraved into her skin.

But soon she will have to tear it out and upturn the frown in a mask of joy and perfection. She doesn't want to do that, she just wants to go home and cry into one of your hoodies and not come out for days on end or until filming starts up again.

She should be strong, but without you there it feels like her whole world is slowly falling apart, and just a gentle push can send it tumbling down. You were her rock, her saviour, her superhero that fends off all the bad guys for her.

But now that you're gone, she has to do that all alone.

An interview without you at her side feels so daunting, she won't be able to clutch onto your hands when she feels a slight bit of nerves. She won't be able to rely on you to get through the merciless questions that will only be worse, now that you're gone.

"Sades?" A soft voice calls from behind the bathroom door. Sadie quickly stands up straight and regains her composure just as the door opens to reveal Millie. "Oh Sades," The Fifteen-year-old says sympathetically opening her arms for the redhead.

Sadie instantly buries herself into the younger girl. "I miss her." She mutters into Millie's shoulder.

"I miss her too."

Millie tightens the hug and she stands there holding Sadie with all her might, afraid that if she were to let go the older girl will break down and shatter right in front of her. But she could feel Sadie begin to sob and heave in her arms. "It's okay," Millie hushes the girl, her one hand rubbing Sadie's back delicately.

After a few more minutes Sadie tears away brushing away her running tears, "I got given the camera she would do her diary entries on. Could we maybe watch it later, at my house with the boys?"

Millie nods, "We would love to do that. Now come Sades, we have to go, it's going to start soon."

The interview was the longest two hours of Sadie's life, she wanted to hide away from all the questions and sympathetic looks she had been given throughout. Noah had noticed her discomfort and had his hand placed on hers comforting the hurting redhead all throughout. The rest of the cast had helped with the questions she had found quite hard to answer, the one's involving you, and how she was feeling since your passing.

But now she sits in her living room cuddled into Millie, with your stuffed dog, watching as the boys try to hook up your old camera, all arguing as they figure out what cable goes where. This earns a small smile from Sadie.

Soon the boys get the camera working and instantly your bright cheery face pops up on the TV. Sadie sits up a little straighter at the sight of you, her heart both racing and aching at the same time. Millie pulls the girl closer to her, in a way of further comforting her but also to make room for Caleb who wanted to sit next to the pair while the others sat on the ground in front of the couch.

"Hello!" Your voice exclaims through the speakers. "Welcome to Diary Entry One! I am as you can see on the set of Stranger Things Season Two!" The camera flicks around showing the bustling set before flicking back around.

The cast knew exactly when this first took place, the first day of filming just after they had all met Sadie.

"We got a new girl here as well, her name is Sadie Sink." You gush into the camera, a pink hue evident on your cheeks. "She's really nice... and pretty." You murmur the last part looking off to the side. "Anyways! Let's go see her!" You quickly rush off to where you had been looking at, camera in tow and stop at a then fifteen-year-old Sadie, "Hello bloody tampon, say hi to the camera!"

Everyone laughs, including Sadie who remembers that exact moment.

"What did you just call me?" Sadie questions in disbelief and You laugh, "You heard me." Before Sadie could say anything else, you quickly leave and shut the camera off.

"Hello!" You shout with Finn alongside you, "This is, drum roll please Wolf boy," Finn drums his hands on his lap, "Diary Entry Two!" You and Finn cheer loudly capturing the attention of some of the crew members behind you. They immediately hush you both as they film a scene involving Sadie and Caleb. You and Finn quietly apologise before making your way over to Dacre who speaks with Natalia and Joe.

"Dacre!" Finn calls out causing the man to stop and turn to them, a bright smile on his face.

"Hello Lacey, Mike. What can I do for you?"

"Can you answer some-" Finn begins but you cut him off abruptly

"Is Sadie single?"

Finn turns to you and the camera wide-eyed. Dacre raises a brow, throwing a quick glance over to Natalia and Joe. "I don't know? Why, are you interested?"

Your voice sounds panicked from behind the camera, "No! I mean, Finn is."

"Y/n!" Finn shouts, "I don't!" He quickly grabs the camera from your grip and turns it to face a laughing you before cutting the feed.

"Oh, so that's how that rumour sprouted. You look so scared," Sadie giggles and Finn sends her a mocking glare.

"I didn't know she was going to say that okay?" He chuckles.

The next video rolls on and it shows both Sadie and you.

You set the camera down in front of Sadie who was busy getting her hair done. She eyes the camera cautiously as the stylist ducks out the way slightly. "This is Diary Entry number three... I think," You sit down on a chair next to her, your stylist moving in to prep your hair. "We are almost finished filming!" You smile and look over to Sadie who does a quick glance at you. "Anyways, it's time."

"Time for what?" Sadie quiers

"Time for the questions silly," You laugh tilting your head back as your stylist combs your hair. "First question, how has your time on set been?"

"It's been great! Everyone is amazing!"

"Everyone? You sure you don't mean just me?"

Sadie giggles, "Sure."

A few more questions were asked, them mainly being about how she has felt about her time acting and being forced in a room with you and the others. She had opened up slightly about how she felt kind of isolated in the beginning due to everyone already knowing each other until You and Millie kindly took her under your wing.

"Okay last question, do you have eyes for anyone?" You smirk and Sadie goes silent.

"No comment," You gasp.

"What! Sadelyn Sinkhole does have eyes on someone," You lean forward much to your stylests dismay as she pulls you back. "Who is it?"

Once again Sadie replies, "No comment." and you huff.

"I will get it out of you. It may not be today, but it will happen someday."

Sadie's cheeks turn pink and she can't help but hide her smile in your stuffed teddy, reminiscing about how she had ended up spilling her feelings to you not even a day later. To her surprise back then you had reciprocated her feelings and even managed to steal her first kiss, she doing the same to you.

The next video rolls on with you beaming once again in the camera.

"Hello!" You exclaim once again, in the background was the cast in their season two attire watching you with smiles. "This is Diary Entry number four, we have now finished the infamous season two!" The group breaks out into cheers and a round of applause, and you place the camera down on a stand so that everyone was in the frame and move back to go sit next to Sadie, pushing Finn out of the way in the process.

"I can't believe you couldn't tell she liked you!" Finn exclaims gesturing to the action you had pulled. "Your girlfriend literally pushed me out of my seat," He laughs making Sadie snigger.

"So Caleb Mclaughlin." You start, capturing the young boy's attention, "How was it like to kiss the gorgeous Max Mayfield, the infamous MadMax," You tease and the boy bows his head in embarrassment, Everyone laughs and so do you but it was cut short as you began to cough. "You okay Y/n?" Sadie questions and you nod while Sadie not so sneakily brings her hand into yours.

"Wait!" Millie jumps in disbelief her eyes trained at the holding hands, "Were you two a couple then?" She flickers her gaze over to Sadie who turns as red as her hair, "Oh my God! We thought you two got together just before Season Three." Millie smiles slapping Sadie's leg jokingly, "You dirty dogs!"

The entry's continue, this time mostly showing you and Sadie alone. Most of the time, your hands were wrapped around her waist while she holds the camera up at you two in various locations.

"First date!" Sadie exclaims looking lovingly over at you.

"Can you see me?" You question trying to look over into the camera to see if you were in the frame- you in fact were not.

* "Sades!" You call out for her from her living room. "I got you something!" The camera flicks down to a necklace with a small pendant in your hand.

While that video shows, Sadie herself glances down at the necklace you had given her and fiddles with it, her heart fluttering in her chest.

"Do you think they'll freak out when we tell them?" Sadie questions fiddling with your hand as the camera shows you both walking back onto the set for a reading. You nod, "Oh, most definitely." The camera cuts and then turns back onto an unknowing Millie waiting for you both at the entrance to the reading.

"Y/n! Sadie!- Woah." Millie's eyes go wide as she spots your hands, "Are you two?" She gestures between the both of you. Sadie confirms with a kiss of your cheek causing her to squeal and run in to tell everyone.

* "Hello! And we're back! Season Three of Stranger Things, it's your favourite character Aunt Helga speaking." You laugh at your own words, "I'm joking, it's the best character out of the show, Dustins' sister Lacey. Today we are as usual on our first day back at filming." You cheer, "This is Diary Entry number five."

"Y/n! Where are you?" Dacre calls out in the background, "You have to go get pepper-sprayed in the face!" You widen your eyes slightly, and Dacre appears behind you, "It's just water don't worry."

The camera cuts but then is turned back on to show a smiling Dacre, he flips the camera around and it shows you being dunked in the Henderson's kitchen sink by Caleb and Sadie. "I'm drowning!" You yell out gasping for breaths. "I'd rather you drown than go blind, Lacey," Sadie comments in Max's character. Caleb goes to turn off the tap but instead accidentally turns it on full speed, the water hitting you right in the mouth making you choke and develop a coughing fit. "I didn't mean to literally drown her!" Sadie yells and Caleb throws his hand up defensively, "My hands slipped."

That scene was a blooper itself but yet it was still kept in the actual show.

Many more diary entries ended up being full of bloopers, you hanging with Sadie and sometimes the rest of the crew until it started to change.

There you stand in front of the camera, your hands clutching your chest tightly, "My chest hurts." You croak out, tears swelling in your eyes from the pain.

The cast visibly sit a little straighter at the sight of you.

You stand there for a few more seconds just holding onto your chest before finally you drop your hands down and stand straighter. You furrow your brows, "It's gone. I don't know what it is but it's been happening a lot lately." You announce but quickly shrug it off as you hear your name being called. You grab onto the camera and run out where Sadie is standing waiting for you with a bright white smile. You grab onto your girlfriend's hand and you walk off to your next scene.

Another video rolls on this time showing you setting the camera down in a position so that it showed the set you were on. You are then seen dashing back onto set and getting onto your starting position with Gaten at your side. The video goes on as normal with the familiar star court scene and then all the way to the end, with Dacre having moved it for you to get the right angles where you stand near a casted officer, signalling the end of the filming process.

"Cut," The director yells and cheers are heard all around. You jump up and hug the nearest person to you, this being Sadie and enrapturing her into a joyful kiss before moving on to everyone else.

The mood is noticeably ecstatic and everyone is busy cleaning up, with you having a quick word with Sadie before going to head for your still recording camera, shouting a 'Shut up' to Caleb who had mocked what you said to your girlfriend. Your smile is bright and inviting until it drops to a stone cold expression.

And then you were seen clutching onto your chest, feet staggering and skin paling before dropping to the floor.

"Y/n!" Gaten screams hurtling over to you, just in time to catch you. You weren't moving and the camera shows it, it shows everything happening at that exact moment. It shows Gatens terrified face as he shakes you, trying to wake you up. It shows crew members flying over to you in a hurry. It shows your girlfriend and the others staring at you horrified and worried.

"Someone call an ambulance!" The director yells shoving past all crew members who were just crowded around you. Immediately chest compressions were started.

"Oh God," Caleb murmurs his teary eyes entranced on the TV. He wants to look away but he can't.

Sadie sniffles, her heart aching tremendously at the screen.

Millie and Finn hold a sobbing Sadie in the far corner of the screen, while Noah is seen dashing for the camera and turning it off.

They thought it was the end but another clip rolls and a bloodshot eyed Sadie Sink appears in one of your hoodies, holding your stuffed dog close to her chest. She was in your dressing room, it was known by the pictures you had placed on the walls of your family and the cast behind Sadie.

"Hi Y/n," Sadie croaks out, voice breaking instantly. She can't speak, her throat hurts and her tears just flow out coating your stuffed animal with her tears. "I miss you. It's only been a few hours since you left us, but I miss you so much." She brings your hoodie to wipe away a few of her tears, "I just want to say I love you."

Sadie can't look at the video anymore, her heart aching in great amounts in her chest, her bottom lip quivering noticeably. She turns and shoves her head directly into a saddened Millie who immediately takes her into her arms. Sadie wishes it was you instead.

She can still hear her own shattering voice in the video, each word breaking and every sentence ending with a cry. A cry of mourning. A cry for you. A cry for you to just come back and tell her you're not going anywhere. A cry for her broken heart.

Sobs wrack Sadie's body and a loud cry exits her making the crying cast members cast looks of sorrow, heartbreak and pain at her.

The video proceeds and Sadie is now still sat in your chair, this time not saying anything. Your stuff dog is latched to her chest, her chin sitting on top of the toy while she runs little patterns on her knee- something you would do to her when you felt nervous in interviews or big events. And then the door quietly opens and Sadie is seen turning back abruptly, her head shaking furiously.

"No, no, no, no," She sobs as your dad steps foot into the trailer there to retrieve your stuff. "Please can I keep the camera, please!" Your dad shakes his head sadly, tears in his own eyes as he reaches down to grab hold of the device.

"Please!" Sadie begs, "I can't live without her. I can't live without seeing her!"

The camera cuts off.

***

Masterlist; celebrities

#sadie sink #sadie sink x reader #sadie sink x fem reader #fem! reader

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sinclairesimblr · 2 years

Text

I'm feeling the need to vent. I would put this under a cut but I'm writing from my phone and it wont let me, sorry and scroll down if you are not interest in late night personal ramblings.

I'm back from my vacation, it was great, I needed it so much, it's been two years since the last time I traveled, and I love the beach, the sea... It's so relaxing.

Anyway, I'm back and I've been thinking a lot about my life and what I want to do and where I need to focus my energy from now on. So, here goes a bit of my story 👀👀

I graduated from uni and received my degree in February of 2020, everyone knows what happenned the next month 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️ I couldn't get a job because of the pandemic. On late April I found out I was pregnant, after having a misscarriage in 2019 it was a shock, because I didn't have a job so had no health insurance, I had to attend the public hospital which was full of covid patients, and on that instance we knew nothing about the virus and everything was so scary.

Being in this situation, after losing a pregnancy before and this one being a risk pregnancy I had to be in bed until I was 5-6 months pregnant, and having to be locked down without being able to see anyone from my family or friends was a huge and hard process.

By December when my baby was born my anxiety got the best of me and I couldn't sleep (I think because I couldn't relax fearing something was going to happen to my baby if I was deep asleep). Literally I was not able to sleep, my body wouldn't let me and the amount of stress and the lack of sleep made my brain collapse, I suffered with panic attacks and depression.

After a few months I was better, and "ready" to get on my feet and start looking for a job, but turns out I couldn't get out of my house. I would have anxiety attacks and needed to run back to my house everytime. I was always afraid something would happen to my baby if I was not with her and I couldn't leave her with anyone.

When she was 6 months I had a job interview and I was ready to take the offer, but a few days later we found out I had covid, so that reinforced the idea that if I went out something bad would happen. My daughter, who was only half a year, had severe symptoms for several days and I felt a lot of guilt.

After that, I never got my taste and smell back, as I've said before a lot of things taste awful for me and that has led me to feel depressed for not being able to enjoy food anymore. I was super tired from being a mother and a housewife 24/7 and was not finding the strenght or motivation to do something to change my situation.

It's been 2 years since I received my degree and I haven't been able to start working because I couldn't bring myself to the outside world again.

Playing Sims 4 has been my escape , all these months it kept me busy, motivated and gave me something to work with and feel somewhat useful. But I can't keep running away from my issues... Mostly because we are at a terrible place economically, we won't be able to survive anymore with only my husband's job

Being away these two weeks, travelling for 1200 km, being out, walking around the city, spending entire days at the beach (thanks to my dad who invited us and paid for everything), made me found myself, kind of, and I realized I am ready to go out to the world now, and so I have began searching for a job again. I won't lie, it scares me so much because it's been so long since I've interacted with people outside my family and closest friends... But I have to get my life back.

In any case, this means I won't have the time to play Sims anymore or post, not only because I'm still a mom, but also I have to start studying again since it's been so long I'm afraid I won't be prepared enough when I start working.

I'm sad to leave like this but, real life is calling me and I have to answer. Maybe once I start working and if I find a balance with everything I could come back, but only time will tell.

I also wanted to say Thank you all for being here when I needed the most. With every like or reblog, I felt like I had a purpose here and like I was doing something "productive" instead of feeling I was just wasting time on a game. So thank you so much for making me feel appreciated and not alone!! 🥰

#personal

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lightsovermonaco · 3 years

Text

His Good Sweater: Chapter 13

Masterlist

Thanks to @acollectionofficsandshit for being my bestie and beta reading! This would have never happened without her ❤ Make sure you read Roman Profile, set in the same universe!

Word Count: 6.7k

Recommended song: "Cupid’s Chokehold/Breakfast in America” by Gym Class Heroes

"I have to go."

"Can't you stay five more minutes?"

"I wish."

"Come on, just a few more minutes to cuddle." Pierre flings back the fluffy duvet and holds out a hand. "Please?"

"I have an exam," you say with a sigh but bend to press a kiss to his upturned palm. "I can't skip."

Pierre groans and slings an arm over his eyes. "What am I supposed to do all day?"

"I don't have a sim but I have an old PlayStation you're more than welcome to use. I think I still have one or two games."

"That won't keep me busy."

"I'm sure you'll find something. Just stay out of trouble okay? I'd like to get my security deposit back when I finally move out of this hellhole."

"Okay," Pierre grumbles, sitting up to give you a quick kiss. "What time are you getting back?"

"Four. We can go out to dinner or something." You smooth a hand over his hair, smiling lightly. "Or we can go for a picnic and take a walk through Saint James Park."

"Sounds like a plan." He turns his head to kiss your palm. "I'll be counting down the minutes."

You roll your eyes but your smile contradicts the sass. "I'll be home before you know it. Love you, champion."

"I love you too, mon coeur."

He was endlessly grateful for how easily the two of you had fallen back into each other. When he had shown up at your doorstep he had expected there to be awkward pauses and minutes of tense silence, but there had been blissfully little of either. As the days bleed into each other, your relationship only gets steadier, closer and closer to what it used to be. Maybe it was because you had been the one to break the silence or maybe it was because he had thrown himself into his career into someone's bed- whatever the reason, it didn’t matter. He was simply grateful to be welcomed back into your life. He didn't plan on leaving any time soon.

Pierre allows himself a half hour of lounging in bed before forcing himself to get up and shower. Off weeks were hard; all he wanted to do was rest and recharge but he still had to follow his workout regimen and sleep schedule or he risked falling out of the habit, making it that much harder to get back in the groove come race week.

First order of business: clean the clutter you had shoved in closets and the spare room prior to his arrival the day before. Folding the three baskets of clean laundry took an hour, washing dishes another thirty minutes, and vacuuming the entire flat took twenty. Once the counters are spotless and there isn’t a stray sock to be found, he takes stock of your pantry and notes what staples you were running low on.

Two hours later he trudges back up the three flights of stairs to your apartment, arms laden with reusable bags packed to the gills with food. His legs burn and he's slightly winded from the excursion; at least that could count as his work out for the day.

He's just about to start slicing vegetables for dinner when his phone chimes with a text from his PR agent, Sylvie.

You're supposed to be in an interview now. Where are you?

"Oh shit." He scrambles for his laptop which of course was dead. He manages to plug it in at the dining room table and angle it so the background is mostly neutral, just a band poster framed behind him. He checks his hair before logging into the interview.

"There's the star," the interviewer says, far too chipper to be entirely genuine.

"Sorry, I was having connection issues." He queues up his signature sweetheart smile that gets him out of any squabbles. It works, the woman's irritation melting into a more easy expression.

"Let's just get right into it. Since we're low on time I'll jump right in, if you don't mind."

Pierre leans back. He had an inkling where this was headed. "By all means, please."

"We just saw news of your deal with Christian Horner- if you take seventh in this year's drivers championship, it looks like you're at Red Bull Racing next year. How does that feel after being publicly demoted mid-season in 2019?"

A smirk tugs at Pierre's lips. He had known this exact question was coming. He had debated how to answer it without starting waves and still remaining truthful. If there was one thing he prided himself on, it was his ability to be diplomatic when others may have let their egos get in the way.

"Obviously I'm grateful that Red Bull has recognized the hard work I've been putting in at Alpha Tauri," he starts. "I think I've been able to push the car as far as I can but I still have pace in me, personally. So moving into the Red Bull would let me loose, so to speak, and give me a chance to prove that Red Bull is where I belong."

"Right, you have had quite a spectacular season so far with a race win under your belt and a few podiums for good measure. What do you attribute that success to? Why is it so different now in an Alpha Tauri versus that coveted second Red Bull seat?"

Pierre purses his lips. The answer he was expected to give wasn't one he was willing to voice. Instead he opts for neutral. "I've been able to focus and hone my driving this season. I've found a groove that works for me and with it has come an insane amount of confidence, which is something I struggled with for awhile after going back to Torro Rosso. I think it's really just that I'm finally comfortable in the car and with my team and that makes a huge difference."

"Thank you for that," the journalist says and Pierre nods. "Shifting gears, I have a few questions about your personal life if you don't mind."

This was the part he always dreads. Questions were often prying and he had to subtly skirt around them in a way that offered a satisfying answer without giving away too much. It was an art he liked to think he had perfected over the years but still didn't enjoy.

"As long as you don't mind me staying silent if I don't want to answer."

The woman laughs, the sound sharp and grating. "Of course. Unless I can bribe you into giving me an exclusive."

"Likely not. But you ask the right questions and we'll see."

"You've been seen hanging around a certain London neighborhood lately- that wouldn't have anything to do with you and your lovely lady, would it?"

He had been waiting for that one, too. When the two of you had returned from Red Bull headquarters he had noticed the man taking pictures across the street. He hadn't said anything to you at the time because really, there was no point in getting you worked up when he had a plan to handle it.

The question played right into his hand, in fact.

Pierre sits forward, folding his hands in front of him. "Actually yes. We recently got back together and if you'll let me, I would like to make a request."

The woman leans back and checks her notes. "Well it's not quite what I had planned but please," she gives a flourish with a hand, "you have the floor."

"I know driver's personal lives are something that a lot of people are interested in and that's great. I don't mind sharing things with my fans or letting them get the inside scoop, but there's some things I would rather be left alone. My relationship is one of them. I know you all took note that she hasn't been around the past couple months and if I'm being honest, it's because of comments and press coverage that invaded her privacy. I think some people forgot she was more than just a name on a screen."

Pen poised to take notes, the interviewer prompts, "You said you had a request?"

He doesn’t stop to assess the damage he had already undoubtedly done. Sylvie was probably already on the phone doing damage control with every news outlet she could get her hands on, if her muted and black square at the bottom of the screen was an indication.

"All I'm asking is that you leave her alone. If you have questions or comments you have to make, just direct them at me. Don't follow her around asking about me. Don't comment on her posts unless you're capable of being a decent human. Just… let her live her life in peace."

Maybe he was a love sick fool, but honestly he didn't care if he lost some support from fans. If they had such strong opinions on his personal life, he would be better off without them anyway. And his team could cut him and even if he was unable to secure a seat in Formula 1 after next season, he would survive.

But if he lost you again, he would be broken. It had taken being apart from you for him to realize it and he'd be damned if he was ever disconnected from you like that again.

"That's quite the speech."

Pierre shrugs. "It was. She's the most important thing in my life, right up there with racing.” Now that he had started down the road of truth, he found it impossible to hold his tongue. “I lost her once because people couldn't be bothered to remember that their words have consequences. I won't let it happen again."

"So you see yourself with her for a long time then?" The woman's eyes glitter with the potential of getting an even juicer tidbit from him.

Pierre’s jaw sets, muscles feathering. "That's not something I'm prepared to discuss."

The woman purses her lips and tips her head to the side. There was clearly more she wanted to say. "Well, I have to thank you for what you've given me here. My boss is gonna love the exclusive. I won't push any further. Thanks for your comments, Pierre."

"Thanks for actually being respectful."

“We aren’t all monsters.” The woman shrugs. “I can’t say I haven’t had my moments but I try to be straightforward.”

“Right, yeah. I get that you have a job to do.”

“Anyway. I look forward to seeing what you can do the rest of this season. Good luck.”

He signs off and instantly anxiety washes over him. If she twisted his words he was screwed. Sylvie would be on the phone as soon as the article was printed, no doubt trying to soothe sponsors and investors. She'd give him an earful about being respectful and not poking the bear but he'd tune it out like he always did.

The sooner he got away from Red Bull, the better.

Instead of dwelling on it he busies himself with cooking. It was one of his guilty pleasures. He always requested a full kitchen when he was staying anywhere more than a few days so that if he had the chance to make a home-cooked meal, he had the option. For tonight he had selected his favorite recipe. Parmesan-Cesar chicken wasn't normally something you would ever touch with a ten foot pole but as long as he was making it, Pierre knew you'd at least give it a try.

Music blasting in the background, Pierre sings along quietly as he unpacks the rest of the ingredients and gets to work. He does a little spin between the island and the sink, rinsing the dishes and putting them right in the dishwasher as he uses them. A clean kitchen is the mark of a great chef, his mom had told him, drilling the phrase into him when he was young.

In the middle of cutting potatoes Pierre gets a call. He only has an hour until you're home so he doesn't bother stopping, just puts it on speaker and continues measuring spices.

"Hey Daniel."

"Heard you're in London," Daniel says, Australian accent thick. "And a little birdie told me you and your lady got back together."

"We did," Pierre says, a smile splitting his face. "Finally."

"Thank god, now I don't have to listen to your drunk woe-is-me rambling anymore."

Pierre laughs and sets aside the measuring spoons. "It's not that bad."

"Oh please." Pierre could practically hear the eyes rolling. "The number of times I had to send an uber to a bar after a grand prix is insane. Charles and I should be entitled to financial compensation with the amount of babysitting we've been doing."

"I can handle myself!"

"Not after a martini you can't."

He was right there. "Is there a point to this conversation?"

"Oh right- I'm actually in town today too, got some stuff to shoot for McLaren before we head to Austria for the race next week. You guys wanna come out with us tonight? We're heading to a bar or two."

"I actually had something planned-"

"She already said she's coming!" Dan's girlfriend shouts in the background.

“Well then why even ask me?”

“To be polite,” Daniel offers with a laugh. “We’re meeting at the rooftop bar at the Trafalgar hotel at seven. That give you enough time to do whatever you had planned that’s apparently more important than seeing your best mates?”

“We’ll be there,” Pierre says and hangs up. He finishes seasoning the potatoes and pops them in the oven, finally getting a chance to sit while they cook alongside the main course.

He's on his feet a few minutes later, decluttering the last bits of mess around your flat. It was clear it hadn't had a decent cleaning in quite awhile- hopefully you'd keep it tidy now that the effort had been made. The guys would tease him endlessly if they found out he was acting like a housewife.

You arrive home just as he’s setting the table. “God, it smells amazing in here.”

“Salut, mon amour.” Hands full with hot dishes, he settles for a kiss to your cheek. “I made dinner.”

“And you cleaned,” you observe. “You were a busy boy.”

“Pyry would kill me if he found out I was laying around all day. I had to do something.”

You hang your backpack on the hook behind the door and take a seat at the table. “Well remind me to thank him again when I see him. This looks delicious.”

Pierre grins over his shoulder at you. “Me or the food?”

You throw your head back and laugh, loud and unrestrained. “The food, you goof.”

Pierre quirks a brow. "Is that the honest answer?"

"Okay, maybe both."

The meal is filled with your ramblings about your exam and your new hobby- this month it was hiking. You went into detail about all the few trails in the city you’d been on as well as the more challenging ones that dotted the countryside. Pierre just nods along as you talk, already planning on staying up late to learn what he could about the topic so he could be a better conversation partner.

The pair of you work together to tidy the kitchen and put away any leftovers. “Did you bring something semi nice to wear tonight or do we have to make a quick trip to the store?”

“I’ve got some Tauri stuff I can wear. And not just team gear,” he adds when you groan. “You know that cream sweater you love? The one with the logo debossed on the front? I’ve got that.”

“Oh,” you say before biting your lip. Your eyes trail down his frame and back up like you’re imagining it on him. A tingle travels up his spine under your assessing gaze. If you kept that up, neither of you would make it out of the apartment tonight. “My favorite. Yeah, wear that. It’ll be on my floor by the end of the night.”

Pierre places his hands on your waist and grins. “Will it? And what will be on the floor from your closet, hm?”

“Your favorite dress.”

“The orange one?” He realizes half a second too late that you would never know how much he adored that dress from the gala. It had hugged your curves in all the right places and left your back exposed, which would leave him free to trace patterns on your soft skin whenever he pleased. He had missed out on worshipping you in it that night and he wouldn’t mind the opportunity to do so now.

You roll your eyes. “I can’t wear that to a bar.”

“Says who?” Pierre nuzzles his face against your neck, breathing you in. A light undercurrent of sweat from your walk home from classes mingles with the usual bright scent of you, only serving to rile him up further. Never in a million years would he have guessed that a simple scent could do him in, and yet here he was, completely wrapped up in yours.

“Says me.” You sigh, tipping your head to the side when Pierre’s nose grazes your skin.

His lips follow until he reaches your jaw before he pulls back. “What one are you wearing then?”

“Does it matter?” You cross your arms, the smirk playing on your kissable lips tempting him.

“I have to mentally prepare myself.” And if whatever you chose was too sexy, he would need to get his handsiness out of his system before the pair of you met up with Daniel and his girlfriend. The last thing he needed was to be on the front of some seedy gossip column when his plan was to ease back into it.

You smile up at him, broad and unrestrained as if knowing your answer would affect him greatly. “The cobalt blue one that makes you stutter.”

The dress in question was just as form fitting as the orange one, but shorter and decidedly more distracting. It fell mid thigh and the spaghetti straps left your shoulders exposed, which coupled with the low back displayed a downright sinful amount of skin. You had worn it at a Torro Rosso event a couple years back and he had scarcely been able to get a full sentence out around you all night.

“That one’s a close second.” He follows you to your room, leaving you to hunt through the closet while he digs through his suitcase, thankful that he had the foresight to check out of his hotel on the way back from Red Bull and bring his things here.

Because there was no way in hell he was missing a second of being by your side while he was in town. Every moment had to count when he had no idea when he would be able to sleep next to you again, not when the season was nearly over and there were two double headers between now and winter break. When so many variables stood between him and you, he had no problem prioritizing you over a routine workout or a full night’s rest.

Pierre changes into the sweater and a pair of dark skinny jeans well before you emerge from the bathroom. He doesn’t bother responding to Dan’s text that includes an address and reminds him to be on time, instead opting to scroll through his instagram feed. He likes a handful of posts from his fellow drivers, including one of Max actually smiling at something off camera.

“Well?”

Pierre’s head snaps up at the sound of your voice. The phone falls from his hand when he drags his eyes over your body, head to toe and back again.

Oh, he was so fucked.

Maybe it was selfish, but with your hair done like that, the barest brush of makeup lining your eyes and in that stunningly blue dress, he didn’t want any other man to have the privilege of laying their eyes on you.

No, you were all his.

The moment you’re within reach, Pierre places his hands on the back of your thighs, just beneath the curve of your barely covered ass. You chuckle and tap your fingers under his chin. “Close your mouth; you’ll catch flies.”

“Just so you know, if you wear that dress I can’t be held liable for my actions.” Up to and including scaring off anyone that wasn’t Daniel or his girlfriend. No one else deserved to be blessed with your radiance. Hell, he didn’t deserve it, and yet here you stood.

“We’ll see about that.”

**********

Daniel and his girlfriend had already made their way through a round of drinks by the time you arrive. It wasn’t Pierre’s fault he couldn’t keep his hands off you and wound up getting distracted on the drive over.

"Late as always," she greets, kissing your cheek. "Dan got us here fifteen minutes early because he wanted the table with the best view."

"Like our names wouldn't have gotten us the table if we asked," Pierre says, wrapping Daniel in a one-armed hug before kissing his girl’s cheek in a traditional French greeting. "The view is pretty great though."

You were already leaning on the glass partition, hands curled over the edge and undoubtedly leaving behind fingerprints on the pristine surface, completely unfazed by the fact that the other patrons were staring. You had eyes only for the London skyline and Trafalgar square lit up below. The bar with its white marble tabletops and strict dress code was absolutely not a place that you should be standing on your tiptoes for a better view, but there was no way he could condemn you when your face lit up like that.

Pierre just places a hand on the small of your back and shoots a look at the bartender currently glaring in your direction, daring the smartly dressed man to say anything. He only raises a brow and resumes filling drink orders.

"You guys know how to pick a place," you say, "I could stand here all night."

"Right," Daniel's girlfriend says, rolling her eyes at Pierre who shrugs as if to say what do you want me to do? He was powerless to deny you anything that brought you a semblance of joy; your smile was everything to him. “Love, why don’t you come tell us about uni? You’re the only one of us currently enrolled, and I’m sure the boys would love to hear about all the drama.”

You and Pierre share a secret grin. You shake your head but allow him to guide you back to the cocktail table. “Drama? I’m an engineering major. The closest thing we have to drama is someone grossly miscalculating a structural load.”

Dan shoots Pierre a mischievous grin. “I heard Stroll might be moving next year-”

Both you and Daniel’s girlfriend groan at the same time. “No racing talk when we’re around tonight,” she says. “I’ve heard enough lately.”

“What’s new in the publishing world?” You ask, leaning into Pierre when he wraps an arm around you. He only half listens to her explain the so-called “top secret” project she’s currently working on, instead opting to get drunk on you.

The light breeze filtering through the surrounding buildings ruffles your hair. You lift a hand absentmindedly to tuck it behind your ear in an attempt to keep it out of your face. Everything you do is amazing to him, snagging his attention even when he should be listening to whatever it was his friends were saying. Your gravity was simply too strong to bother resisting.

“Enough talk,” Daniel’s girlfriend says, waving a hand. “You need a drink, and I want to dance. Let’s go.” Before Pierre can protest, she’s dragging you away to the glass top bar. You throw an apologetic glance over your shoulder and Pierre just winks. He was fine watching you from afar for now.

Pierre’s gaze drops to your perky ass when you lean in to let the bartender know what you want, likely shouting to be heard over the music, your dress riding up a bit with the movement. For having such a strict dress code, this place sure did feel like an upper class club.

You hook your thumb over a shoulder, the bartender’s gaze darting to Pierre before the man nods. The only explanation you offer is a wink, followed by a note on a cocktail napkin and a beer delivered a few minutes later by a server.

This is supposed to be the best beer they have. Just try it.

Leave it to you to constantly push him outside his comfort zone. Pierre tentatively sniffs the foamy glass and shrugs before taking a sip. Not bad, but he still preferred his usual whiskey.

Setting the glass down, Pierre turns back to Daniel. “Congrats on extending your contract with McLaren by the way. Should give you a decent shot at keeping up with the big boys and landing some serious points.”

“Seems like most of us are moving around, doesn’t it? Sainz to Ferrari, Seb to Aston Martin... The only one with any sort of long term commitment is Max and now me I guess.”

“And Charles,” Pierre adds. “He’s stuck in that red monstrosity for the foreseeable future.”

Daniel laughs, taking a swig from his glass. “And you’re moving too, huh? Austria should be interesting,” Daniel remarks, watching the girls at the bar nursing their own drinks. “What with the news of your new contract breaking and all.”

“Potential contract,” Pierre corrects. “Not for sure yet.”

Daniel scoffs. “Come on mate. You won’t have any problem getting up to seventh by the end of the season. Perez is slipping and the news that his seat is in jeopardy will only help your cause.”

Pierre takes a sip of his amber beer and nods. “I’m sure Perez doesn’t appreciate it, but he’s always been a good sport.” You catch Pierre’s eye and lift your fresh flute of champagne in a mock salute. Dan’s girlfriend drags you out on the dancefloor and immediately spins you. Your laugh is nearly audible, the memory of it fresh in Pierre’s mind as he watches you.

“Mate, have you been listening to a word I’ve said?”

“I’m sorry, what?”

Daniel shakes his head and drains his drink. “I really don’t know how it took you two this long to come together. You’ve been dancing around each other for years but neither of you would admit it.”

“I could say the same about you two.”

Daniel shrugs. “Fair point. At least we got it all worked out in a weekend though.”

Pierre rolls his eyes and shoves his friend’s shoulder. “Whatever. Not all of us can have a perfect love story.”

The grin Daniel shoots Pierre is pure sunshine. “How long are you planning on waiting before you ask her to marry you?”

“What?” Pierre sputters, nearly choking on air. “Who said anything about marriage?”

“Oh come on,” Dan says, rolling his eyes. “We all know it’s coming eventually.”

Pierre would be lying if he said he hadn’t thought about it. But he wasn’t sure if it was the time for a proposal, not when you had just gotten back together. The last thing he wanted to do was go through the pain of losing you again because he was too forward.

“One day at a time,” Pierre says finally, dragging himself back to earth. “I just got her back a few days ago. I don't want to scare her off by proposing just yet.”

“Right. Well you might want to get a ring on that hand sooner rather than later,” Daniel notes, gesturing to the two men who had approached the girls. “How long are we gonna let that go on before we step in?” Neither of you paid the men any attention, instead enjoying each other’s company, but the men’s eyes roaming over your body sets Pierre on edge.

“They can handle themselves,” Pierre remarks, shifting on his feet. The weak attempt at self assurance didn’t do much to negate the red tinting his vision. “They’re fine.”

“Her sharp tongue will hold them at bay,” Daniel says, winking at his girlfriend. “For a while at least.” Props to Daniel for possessing inhuman amounts of restraint, but Pierre’s muscles were coiled and ready to interject at the first sign of trouble.

He has to pause to remind himself he doesn't own you. You could make your own decisions about who you spoke with and who you entertained as long as he was the one to take you home. He didn't care if you wanted to flirt; he knew it meant nothing and if you got a free drink out if it then so be it. But those were the rules: flirting, no touching. He'd step in if need be if someone took it too far.

But that didn't mean he had to enjoy it.

Pierre watches tight lipped as you politely chat with the man, your body language closed off and dismissive. Pierre hates that you even speak a word to him. He knows it shouldn’t bother him because he trusts you, but the stranger is a wild card. Pierre watches like a hawk as the man inches ever closer, slowly interesting himself into your personal space. He waits for you to take a step back, to grant him that silent permission to come over and insert himself in the conversation and get his hands on you, this proving you weren't on the market.

One of the men shouts something at you over the music and you leer back at him, clearly disgusted at whatever he had said. Whirling on him, you open your mouth, likely to snap out a profanity lined retort, when his hand latches onto your arm.

"Oh, fuck no."

Half a second later, Pierre is stalking across the dance floor, no thoughts other than teaching the asshole a lesson. His hands are already curled into fists, ready to swing if the man hadn't moved by the time he arrived. Tolerating someone hitting on you was one thing, but blatantly ignoring the clear dismissals and laying a hand on you? No way in hell was he standing by and letting that happen.

The resounding crack of your open hand hitting the man’s face has pride swelling in Pierre’s chest. That’s my girl. You’d solved the problem before he’d even arrived. You jab a finger in the man’s face, Daniel’s girlfriend right there with you to back you up.

“Fuck off,” you were saying as Pierre approached, “or do you need to go back to kindergarten and learn to keep your hands to yourself? Maybe next time you’ll think twice before laying a hand on a taken woman- or any woman, for that matter.”

Driving your point home, Pierre slips an arm around your waist and pulls you in until your back is flush to his chest. You crane your neck up, the tense muscles beneath his fingertips and the fury contorting your features confirming just how rattled you are.

The lines creasing your brow are soothed away when you realize who holds you. You open your mouth to say something but Pierre places a hand on your throat, thumb and forefinger framing your jaw as he cuts you off with a kiss, his eyes locked on the guy still standing off to the side holding his cheek.

You taste like the champagne you’d been sipping all night. It’s the only thought in his head outside of the jealousy licking through his veins like wildfire as he claims you then and there in front of the crowd. Mine, his heart sings. He flexes his fingers, taking advantage of your surprised gasp to slide his tongue against yours. Mine, mine, mine.

Pierre lets you be the one to break away, lips curling in a smug, kiss-swollen smile as you address the men. “In case you still don’t get the picture, I’m not interested. And neither is she.” You jerk your chin, indicating your friend and Daniel, who had indeed followed Pierre and since mirrored his possessive stance, one arm wrapped tightly around his own girlfriend.

The two men reluctantly slink away after mumbling something unintelligible but undoubtedly indecent. It had been a week and a half since he had been on track and he had plenty of pent up aggression to get out. He didn’t normally opt for using someone’s face as a punching back as a stress reliever, but rulers were made to be broken. Your hand splayed on Pierre’s chest is all that stops him from following and asking them to repeat themselves.

“Just let me hit him,” Pierre says, voice far more level and put together than he had expected it to be. “Just one punch. That’s all I would need.” His knuckles smart like he had already connected them to the man’s face.

“And let you throw away your contract? I don’t think so. The last thing you need is a blurry photo of you knocking someone’s teeth in hitting the front page of every gossip mag in the country. I’m fine, so you can cut the bravado.”

“Yeah, I hear you.”

“I was wondering how long you were gonna leave us out here,” you say, trying to regain Pierre’s attention. When it doesn’t work, you grasp his stubbled chin and force him to look at you. “I didn’t expect to be stranded for so long.”

The eye contact is what finally calms his racing thoughts. Seeing the trust reflected in your face is enough to have his grip on your waist loosening to allow you to face him. “Someone convinced me you could fend for yourself. And while it seems that’s true, I couldn’t stand it anymore.”

Your satisfied hum is swallowed by the pounding bass but Pierre feels it rumble in his chest. “Sometimes even a queen needs saving.”

Though his point had long since been proven, Pierre’s hand slides down your back to rest on your ass nonetheless. “I knew you going out looking like this would cause trouble.”

You tip your head to the side, feigning innocence as you press your hips to his. You grin, noticing the hard on that had been bothering him all night. “Looking like what?”

“Drop dead fucking gorgeous,” he says, accentuating his point by sliding his hand up your thigh and under the hem of your dress. “You know I’m tearing this off you the second we get home, right?”

“Why do you think I wore it?”

The sound that escapes him is primal and possessive. The presence of bystanders does nothing to prevent him from palming your ass and kneading the flesh. He presses his lips to your neck and mumbles between kisses, “To torture me.”

You push lightly at his chest, laughing although your eyes dart around the space in search of cameras. Old habits were hard to break. “That may have been part of my motivation. But you’ll have to wait. I haven’t seen Dan in forever and I would actually like to have a conversation with him before we sneak off somewhere.”

At least you knew he wouldn’t be able to wait until you got home to get between your legs. “Fine,” he grumbles, hands settling on your hips. “Only because I love you.”

You beam up at him. “Love you too.”

Arm still slung around your waist, Pierre nods at Daniel and follows the other couple back to the table.

After two more drinks, you and Daniel's girlfriend are singing along to the music in lilting, off key voices, simply enjoying the night air. A stray breeze catches your hair just as you turn to look at Pierre and his heart damn near leaps out of his chest.

To his credit, Pierre’s cheeks are rosy from more than just the charged glances you throw at him as the night wears on. He was on his fourth beer, far more than he usually drank these days, and the buzzing in his head was becoming increasingly hard to ignore. When he has to squint to tell the time on his watch, he figured that was enough.

"I should probably get going mate," Pierre says, turning to Daniel. "Early flight."

Daniel laughs and beacons for the girls. He kisses his girlfriend's cheek when she returns with you in tow. "Are we leaving already?" You pout, and Pierre had half a mind to stay simply have your smile make an encore appearance.

"Car coming," he murmurs, dipping his head to give you a proper kiss. God, you were stunning in that dress- he might not be able to string together words coherently, but he knew that much.

"Fine." You cross your arms for a split second to convey your feelings on the matter before wrapping your friends in a hug and saying your goodbyes.

Pierre's hand is already on your ass before you're in the uber. Get a few drinks in the boy and he let his guard down. You laugh and pull out of his embrace to usher him into the sleek black suv. If he had been coherent, he probably would have chatted with the driver about the specs of the engine or maybe even racing if he was a fan. Instead the ride is filled with stolen touches and sloppy, wet kisses to your neck.

"I can't wait till we're home," he mumbles. "You're gorgeous. How did I snag you? You're so far out of my league. No way should you be with me."

"I have a thing for guys that go fast in circles on the weekends."

"Really?" Pierre frowns. "Should I be worried?"

"No. You're the only one I have eyes for." His head is fuzzier than when you left the bar but your laugh breaks through, his stomach flipping at the melody of it. "And we are home."

Pierre blinks, realizing he does indeed stand in your kitchen, with no recollection of climbing the three flights of stairs between the street and your flat. "Oh. When did that happen?"

"After I half dragged you up the stairs." You bend over to undo the straps of your heels, giving him the perfect view. He lets out a whistle that ends in a hiccup.

"Take me to bed, lover," he says in what he thinks is a husky voice. It should be impossible for you to resist.

You roll your eyes and wrap an arm around his middle. "That's the plan. I'll take you to bed, strip you out of that sweater, and you'll be asleep before your head hits the pillow."

"Nnnnnno," he protests, hand sliding down your exposed back to settle at the base of your spine. "I wanna make the most of tonight. I leave tomorrow."

"You don't leave until noon," you point out. "Plenty of time to nurse your hangover and have fun before then, after you drink some water and get some sleep."

"But baby-"

"No buts. Do as I say or I'll send you off tomorrow without a goodbye kiss."

Even in his half drunken state he knew it was a swiss cheese lie, spotted with holes and completely stale. You'd never let him leave without a kiss goodbye because neither of you knew if it would be the last time. He was a race car driver after all, and that came with risks.

But he sighs anyways and slips off the cream sweater, letting it fall to the floor. At least one of you kept their promises.

After confirming he was settled into bed, you retreat to the bathroom. His heart aches at the absence, even though you're mere feet away with nothing but a thin door separating the two of you. He registers the sound of the tap turning on and your soft, off key humming of the last song he remembered hearing before getting out of the uber.

"Mon amour," he croons when you re-emerge in a set of silk pajamas. He reaches out his hands for you and you slide under the covers, immediately slotting your body against his. A leg hitches over his hip, tugging him closer until your middles touch.

"Mmm," he mumbles, nuzzling into your neck. "Je t'aime. Tu es l'amour de ma vie et nous vivons d'amour et d'eau fraîche."

"I have no idea what you're saying," you whisper, running your fingers through his hair. "But I like it. Feel free to keep going."

"Tes baisers sont du feu et je fond à ton toucher." He presses his lips to your neck before resuming his mumbled French. "Je pense toujours à toi. Je veux être avec toi pour toujours. Tu as mon cœur et je ne voudrais pas qu'il en soit autrement."

"I like the sound of that." You press a soft, sweet kiss to his forehead. God, that tenderness was why he loved you. That, and your personality, and your eyes, and your… everything. "Dormir, my love. I'll be here to listen to your pretty words in the morning."

The single word of his mother tongue on your lips has him smiling. "Oui, tu le feras. Parce que tu es à moi et je suis à toi."

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boysplanetrecaps · 3 months

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Build Up, Ep 5 Recap: Hoobae versus Sunbae

Welcome back to the one of the top twenty best Build Up recaps out there! In the previous one, we saw the wild outcome of Team Blue Sweater versus Team Beige Jackets. Now, we’ll be seeing the weird grudge match between Inhyuk and Joohee. Let’s do it!

Dahee announces the next two teams. One member is Choi Haram, who was the judges’ unanimous choice for Top Tier in the performance of Breath first round; he’s a pianist as well as a singer. Haram is working with Hwang Inhyuk, who was a member of team Tomboy and also contributed a lot of excellent sweaters to the show’s mood board.

Haram, left, and Inhyuk, who has styled his hair to look a lot like Haram. At least he’s sort of wearing a sweater.

Another member of team Tomboy was Park Joohee, who was my personal favorite on that team. Joohee is, as you might recall, a trainee and is Inhyuk’s biggest fan. And, as it turns out, Joohee is challenging Inhyuk this round, along with his partner Kwon Euibin, the “robotic” one who sang Something Like That in the first round.

Ooh, spicy!

We flash back to see Haram and Inhyuk stepping up to the Rival Choosing Platform Area, only to be approached by these two.

Everyone reacts strongly to see the fan take on his idol. We get a little montage of the two of them working together, with Inyhuk being a good hyung and Joohee being an adoring hoobae.

Joohee voice overs, “Brothers betray and stab each other!” But that’s generally considered a bad thing…. Like historically… am I wrong?

Inhyuk interviews that he was “boiling” to see his little brother approaching him like this. It’s actually a bit tough to tell how serious he is or isn’t about it. It seems like maybe he really is annoyed about it.

Back in the performance theater, judge Solar asks Joohee why he picked his hero Inhyuk to be his rival. Joohee replies, “Although I like him very much, I thought it would be boring if I chose to join him in the second round as well. So if I can’t have him, I’d rather destroy him.”

I get it that he’s being, I don’t know, playful or funny or something, but I don’t like it.

I don’t think Inyhuk and Haram like it much either.

Everyone’s like, wow, what a scary kid! Haram is like, “It’s time for Joohee to go to school, so I’ll send him to school.” Ooooh!

Side note: Kwon Euibin looks like a completely different person than he did in the first round.

Gotta say, I prefer his new look.

So, how did Haram and Inhyuk prepare?

In a gray board room with a big conference table, of course!

I don’t know, fam, are these sweaters? I feel like the answer is no.

Anyway, they’re trying to figure out what song to sing, and soon decide on To My Youth by Bolbbalgan4 (also called Bol4).

So, let’s talk about the song and the original artist thereof! Bolbbalgan4 was originally a duo, but it was mostly the one girl singing all the time, and eventually the other girl left and now it’s just the one girl, Ahn Jiyoung. My favorite song of theirs is probably Workaholic, but Jiyoung has a really distinctive voice that makes almost any song of theirs/hers worth listening to.

You might remember To My Youth from when Hyolyn and Minyoung sang it on Queendom 2. Or you might remember it from Produce X 101, when it was performed by 5 trainees, including Wooseok.*

*Wooseok is from Up10tion just like Hwanhee and Sunyoul and Dongyeol. Wooseok did great on Produce X 101, even making the final lineup, and then his agency thought, I know, let’s just promote Wooseok and not bring his fame back home to Up10tion. Because fuck you that’s why, I guess. So many rabbit holes… Ok, back to the point…

The lyrics of To My Youth address the feeling of looking back on an unhappy childhood and being grateful that things are better now, and feeling empathy and sympathy for the child you once were. I think…? You can check out the lyrics for yourself. Here’s a lyric video, if you like those.

Also, there’s a real theme going on, between Play, My Sea, and To My Youth, huh?

Choi Haram, who seems to have had a pretty high pressure childhood/young adult period, says that he listened to To My Youth over and over again. He says he was homeschooled and spent most of his time alone. Jeez, that’s rough. We see him at a pre-production meeting saying that he started playing piano “very late” at the age of 16 -- wow, ok -- and people told him that he wouldn’t make it because he started too late.

For him, the song To My Youth was very comforting and helpful. Wow, I feel like most of the guys on this show just need a LOT of hugs.

Haram says that the song begins on the piano, and Inhyuk is like, oh, I get it, you can play the piano! This is perfect!!!

“You can play the piano!!!”

Haram offers to do the arrangement for them, to make the stage really their own.

We get a mini montage of Haram preparing the arrangement, checking in with Inhyuk, all that, and them practicing together. And then it’s time for the performance!

Fighting!

Full version without reactions

Haram, left, and Inhyuk, right.

My thoughts:

Oh wow, this was really great.

It always helps when I like the song itself, so I’m trying to be fair and not unduly prefer it, but ottoke? I feel how I feel.

I really like Haram’s voice. His upper mix is pretty amazing because he can sing those high notes in a full voice, even very softly. That’s not easy to do. His full belts are stunning, even if he uses like 10% more vibrato than maybe I’d prefer. Also, his piano arrangement sounded lovely. On the negative side, I think he could work a bit on his breath control, and I think it’s always better when people sing with their eyes open.

Inhyuk has a very specific vocal color that’s a bit reminiscent of Lim Junhyeok’s. He’s got a slight sharpness to his tone that I think could go either way for someone. I think in the past I haven’t always cottoned on to what he does, but this time, I don’t know, I liked it. Maybe I’m just softening in general. Four airplane flights a week, hours driving, weird hotel rooms -- sometimes just a comforting song feels good and I’m in the mood to like it. I never promised to give perfectly objective opinions here.

Their harmonies sound fantastic toward the end -- I wish there was a little more harmony throughout, but the song was sort of designed to be stripped down.

At the end, when they sing 얼마나 over and over (eorlmana, something like that, I’m terrible at transliterating Korean), it means, “how painful, how painful it must have been”, and it shows on their faces, this sort of complicated combination of sympathy and self-pity.

Someone hug this guy right away.

Oh, and if you’re wondering -- this went on the playlist.

In the MNET edit, we find out that Wendy and Seungkwan both really like this song. Then Seungkwan wonders out loud whether he might be a harsher grader when it’s a song he really likes, because then he has high expectations. It’s a tough line to walk, for sure. That’s why I think the guys should choose songs that are slightly familiar, or at least catchy enough to be likable on a first listen, while avoiding classics that the judges have heard 1000 times.

During the performance, we get a lot of happy and thoughtful nods from the judges. Seungkwan and Wendy might be tearing up a little, and the guys backstage seem impressed. We get an instant replay of one of Haram’s amazing belts.

Right at the end, Seungkwan mutters, “I’m about to cry.” When the guys are done, all the judges burst into applause and talked to each other about how touching it was. The guys backstage agree -- this was great. Even their rivals are like, well, that was amazing.

Joohee (right) is regretting his life’s decisions for sure right now.

The judges punch in their votes, and we find out that the high score is 100, and the low is 85.

Seungkwan gave it a 100, which makes sense. He explains that he was really immersed in the song, that it made the tip of his nose tingle, and made him think, “Seungkwan, don’t make a fuss.” In other words, he was holding back tears.

Eunkwang says, “While watching this performance, I thought that Build Up is a great show!” Once MNET has duly given him $50 for saying that, he goes on to say that he really likes Inhyuk’s vocal color, which is “very full and comfortable to listen to.” He says that Haram’s high notes are “refreshing and stable” and would be useful on a team.

Solar is the one who gave the 85. We saw her during the performance sort of adjusting her earpiece, so I wonder if that’s related. We don’t get to hear her feedback at all, though.

And with that, we rather quickly transition to Joohee and Euibin’s preparation for their performance.

WHAT IS IT WITH KOREAN HEATING? They’re fully indoors and just casually wearing full on winter coats. How can I see their sweaters if they’re all bundled up like this?

Joohee says that “this is a couple’s fight, because we” -- meaning he and Inhyuk -- “used to be in love.” Weird, but ok. We find out that Joohee approached Inhyuk to make a duet together, but when he asked Inhyuk if he liked rock music, Inhyuk said no, and Joohee assumed that meant that Inhyuk didn’t want to work with him. You can actually see a slight flash of surprise on Inhyuk’s face as Joohee walks away, but Joohee doesn’t see it. He just begins asking everyone if they want to do rock music. Euibin says he likes band music, which is close enough, and they form a partnership.

Then there’s a weird little conversation, where they agree on all kinds of random musical tastes, and Joohee says he really likes Euibin and picked the right partner, and it has that feel of when you’re talking to a new person from your preferred gender while your ex is nearby and you’re like, laughing way too hard at their jokes. Big time that vibe.

Euibin thinks they can add rock and hard elements to the song The Moon, and that it would be nice. Joohee is like, sure, whatever, as long as you think Inhyuk will be proud of me, wait, did I say that out loud?

I looked up the lyrics to The Moon but could only find them in Korean. Since I had to translate them anyway, here they are (and this is all via Google translate):

Today when I open my eyes I believe it was yesterday, a day with you It's not over, lie to me

Even when I look back, it’s so clear I'm doing well, how are you? you were humming I remember the singing voice

It's awkward being alone here It's okay because your warmth remains tell me you're doing well too You may not hear it, but

On a night when the moon rises On the day I pictured you I'm lost alone and lost, yeah, yeah In my dark heart, There's no room to breathe I guess I have to let it go now

(Then you repeat the last three parts one more time through, ending on the phrase “I guess I have to let it go now.”)

The lyrics are quite sad, and the song sounds like a ballad to me, so I’m confused as to what happened here. Joohee turned down working with Inhyuk because he wanted to do a rock song, and then ended up doing a ballad. What’s that about? If they’d wanted to do a rock song that showcases vocals and has “moon” in the title, why not Moonshot by N.Flying?

Anyway, the performance begins!

Full version without reactions

My thoughts:

Well, hmm. I mean, mostly very nice, with an obvious issue: Joohee starts crying at the end, to the point that he can’t sing. But let’s talk about it other than that for a bit.

I like Joohee’s voice a lot, but for me the star of the show is Euibin. The way that Joohee begins and ends the song makes him feel like the “center”, in a way, but I really, really liked Euibin’s performance here. His voice is just that exact kind of timbre that sets off a funny feeling in the back of my neck, like D.O.’s voice, and I really like it.

I was wondering, “wait, was he this good last time?” and had to check over my notes. He was ranked 9th overall, ahead of Jay Chang, in the first vocal check in. In my notes for the vocal check in, I said that Euibin was singing a ballad, “but his voice was unexpectedly sweet and pretty compared to his serious countenance. He strained a little on some of the higher notes and the whole thing felt a little uneven, occasionally kind of shouty. It’s nice to listen to despite all that. I’m not quite sure what to make of him so far, so I’ll reserve judgment for now.”

In the Pre-4 mission, he sang in Something Like That, and I got the sense that he was really nervous and it made him pitchy and nasal at the beginning and the end, but in the middle he showed “technique and lovely vocal color that must have earned him a spot on the show.” I thought he had a great belt too.

I guess somehow he was less nervous this time, and finally did what he can do. I’m glad I had a chance to hear him really sing. I hope this isn’t the last time. He could improve his breath control a tiny bit, and ok, he got a tiny bit nasal on some of the highest notes, but that’s just quibbling. I really enjoyed it.

As for Joohee, of course I also like his voice. He’s great. I think that in this performance, he’s a little pitchy throughout, and I think he needs to work on his breath control quite a bit. There were some notes that felt like they should have lasted 1 more second, but he ran out of air. More than that, though, he needs to work on his agility. Those leaps up to high notes are kind of strained and uncomfortable. He seems to get almost stuck between registers sometimes and it makes some notes sound almost froggy.

I really, really liked their harmony. Their voices blended really well together.

So, yeah, Joohee was unable to sing the last line or two because he burst into tears. I’m not sure what I think of this. I write something, then delete it, then write it and delete it. I guess I can’t make up my mind whether that was sweet and human or sort of unacceptable, or maybe both. I do know that the pressure of a show like this that has to be incredibly stressful and scary, especially for a younger person like him. Also, I believe that Inhyuk means a lot to him and I think his emotional state was affected by the situation he was in -- even if it was a situation largely of his making.

I dreaded watching the MNET edit, but you gotta do what you gotta do.

The first few notes garner happy reactions from the judges and the guys backstage. Everything seems to be going pretty well until…

There’s something so sort of absurd and hilarious, in a dark way, about how Joohee stands there crying while Euibin stands completely still with his arms to the side, and then goes over to sort of robotically comfort Joohee.

The judges aren’t sure what to do. Solar picks up the mic and says “Don’t cry,” and a few other judges agree. Eunkwang attributes it to the stress of being the youngest.

The judges key in their votes. Backstage, the other contestants are divided. Some of them think it is unprofessional or wrong to cry like that. Jay says that he liked it -- it means Joohee was immersed in the lyrics.

The high and low scores are revealed...

Seungwan, Solar, and Wendy all gave 90s, Jaehwan gave an 80, and the others gave somewhere in between. As a reminder, the first team’s highest was 100 and lowest was 85, so even though people are acting like we can’t know who won, it seems pretty obvious to me who won.

Eunkwang asks Joohee why he cried. He says, “I’m not sure, but when I was singing… I suddenly became overwhelmed and couldn’t stop crying.”

Jaehwan says, “You have those days,” and VCG guy says, “You have those moments.” Eunkwang attributes it to Joohee’s “focus” on the song.

Jaehwan says, “It was still a bummer because…. “ He trails off and tries again: “You might think I’m cold hearted, but… it was a bummer you didn’t finish the song. I like how you’re sincere about the music and take the lyrics seriously, but you have an audience in front of you and as a professional singer, you should have controlled your emotions. But you’re young and don’t have much experience, and I’m sure you learned a lot from this.”

Seungkwan says it’s a good experience to cry… when you’re practicing. “You can only cry while singing when you’re 100% into it,” Seungkwan says -- and of course it’s nice to see someone get full into it. But, he points out, crying on stage is basically not acceptable anywhere else, with the implication that it’s not really acceptable here.

Backstage, Park Jeup says, “I’ve cried before! I’ve wailed!” Our unproblematic fave, Park Jeup, everyone.

It even made sad Donghun smile a little.

We didn’t hear a darn word about how great Euibin’s performance was. This is the Park Joohee show, I guess. Well, I noticed it, Euibin.

You did well, Kwon Euibin. 수고했어, 권의빈.

It’s time for the other team to come out and for production to reveal the full scores.

Haram and Inhyuk take it, 648 to 607.

Doing the math, if we take out the high and low scores for each team and average the rest of the scores, Haram and Inhyuk’s average score would be 92.6, and Joohee and Euibin’s would be 87.4. So it was pretty clearly a win for Haram and Inhyuk, no matter how you look at the numbers.

Park Joohee says…

“At first, I joked a lot and provoked them. But I was worried I might have hurt their feelings.” And he starts crying again!

Everyone laughs a little, which, in my experience of traveling around in Asia, is a fairly common response to tears in many places. It’s not meant to be unkind. In the US if you start crying and someone laughed at you, wow, that would be kind of mean, but in I think most parts of Asia it’s not. I think the impulse is more to help the person stop crying by keeping it light, or something like that.

After a few moments, VCG, trying to help lighten the mood, says in mock seriousness, “So why did you say you’ll destroy them?” Eunkwang says, “All he can destroy is ramyeon!” That gets Joohee to smile.

And that’s the end of this segment.

There are some shenanigans coming up, so in my next post, I’m going to talk about the four performances we skimmed over. After that, I'll do some wrap up on this round, including some math and some BRAPPY awards.

See you then!

#mnet build up #bpr recaps build up #build up mnet #build up

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anystalker707 · 3 years

Text

Turn over

Pairing: Gerard x [enby, afab] Reader Word count: ~ 3 300 Genre: Smut / Comfort Summary: Reader comes out to Gerard as non-binary. Gerard decides to enjoy their stay at the hotel to relieve themselves and get f*cked in the *ss.

Requested by anon

a/n: thx sm for this request, mwah, sorry for taking too long </3

Smoke escapes my lips as I look into the distance, watching the commotion around the parking lot from under the sunglasses I stole from Gerard earlier. People walk around the parking lot under the bright sun, either rushing to whichever shadow they can find or just having given up to the sunburns – certain pride swells in my chest at Gerard and I having seats right under the bus’ shadow.

The cigarette is suddenly snatched from my fingers, making me raise an eyebrow at Gerard, who carelessly takes a drag of it before dropping the stump to the ground, smashing it against the concrete with the heel of his boot. The closest to a reaction I get from Gerard is a cynical smile, which seems to only grow after I shake my head to myself. Definitely something that would get me mad if I wasn’t used to it after all these years.

“Annoying bitch,” I mutter in his ear, pressing a kiss to the side of his face.

“Possibly.” He grins. “But all yours.”

I hum at Gerard, nuzzling him softly and giving him a last kiss before I can pull away and it’s impossible not to smile at his adorable manners, blushing shyly at the affection.

As much as there isn’t exactly much we would be doing if not here, something makes me want to stand up and go wander around every few seconds just to remember I can’t and there goes another sigh as I turn to look for something interesting to watch. Maybe it’s to do more with the heat crawling up my skin in such an annoying way rather than the lack of anything to do.

“Gerard!” Someone suddenly says and they’re finally here, thank hell.

It doesn’t take long for them to prepare all the cameras, which happens while the guy shares some words with Gerard about the interview. I don’t really need to move as the cameras will be mostly focused on the two and a good distance separates Gerard and I.

“I see you’re with your girlfriend,” the guy comments and I internally cringe, preferring to continue pretending I’m not following the conversation. Girlfriend. Awfully wrong.

“Yeah,” Gerard replies shyly and I suddenly feel a hand – his hand – wrapped around mine, holding onto it firmly with this subtle nervousness he holds whenever in front of a camera, no matter how many times this happens. I squeeze his hand softly, making him relax a bit under my touch.

Gerard lets go of my hand at some point and their words turn into incoherent noises in the background until I decide to avert my attention to them and actually watch them… until I get lost in thoughts again.

Having people refer to me by she, her, girl is so frustrating. I wasn’t worried about it at first, reminding myself my pronouns don’t define who I am, and things took an unexpected – or maybe not so unexpected – turn, only getting worse; still, I manage to bite my tongue whenever it happens. I’m not a girl, no, but I’m not a guy. None of these feel right. A label itself doesn’t feel right; at least now.

Of course, perhaps things would be easier if I discussed it with Gerard because we’re always helping each other out, almost unable to function on our own after spending all these years inseparably. Something, however, holds me back, having the words caught in my throat whenever the subject crosses my mind. This is almost shameful, with Gerard being so open with me the whole time while I can’t tell him something so important. He’s even talked with me about his own gender issues.

“You alright, love?” Gerard’s concerned voice cuts through my thoughts and I turn to see him looking at me with a matching expression, eyebrows furrowed.

“Yes, don’t worry.” I try to smile. He doesn’t smile back and I brush it off. I’ll need us to be alone if I’m telling him anything, anyways.

Once the sun starts to set in the horizon, we’re grabbing food and heading to the hotel, having decided we deserved a night on a proper bed and a proper shower after all these days, considering we’ve also got a longer stay in here.

“Hi, hi, hi!” Gerard jumps towards me once I walk into the room, wrapping his arms around my neck while I still close the door behind me and I can’t help but to smile. His lips are pressed to mine before I have the chance to answer, a short kiss followed by him pulling away and spending a long moment observing me, demonstrating less emotions than he holds in these wide, hazel eyes.

“What?” I raise an eyebrow, resting my hands on his hips as both of us stumble towards the bed, clumsily, though never losing our balance.

“Well, that’s exactly my question to you.” Gerard furrows his eyebrows lightly, that same concern from earlier now present in his gaze yet again. What? Well, he asked me if everything was alright earlier, but maybe I can shrug it off by saying I felt tired. Or maybe not. “There’s something bothering you, (y/n), and it’s obvious.” He sighs, letting go of me to sit down on the edge of the mattress.

A few excuses run through my mind. They aren’t worth it. God, okay, that’s it or else I’ll stab the next person who refers to me as a girl even if it’s Gerard.

“I’m non-binary, Gerard, okay?” Pause. Aching silence. “Well, at least I’m not a girl or a guy,” I breathe in certain defeat under his gaze, moving to sit down next to him. “Like, I’ve noticed it some time ago, but I was… afraid of telling you. I know you love me above all and I can tell you stuff like this, but I continued nervous, for some reason. Well, I am. I’m just done being referred to as ‘girlfriend’ and all, y’know?”

“Oh,” Gerard mutters and I can see him nodding by the corner of my eyes before his hand is placed over mine. “It makes a lot more sense now, if you wanna know. You’re always with this awkward smile whenever people refer to you like this. How do you wanna be referred to from now on, love?”

“Just nothing gendered, if that’s alright,” I say softly, feeling my confidence slowly wearing out to be replaced by this rising nervousness. “And my name continues fine.”

“(Y/n), you shouldn’t ask if it’s alright.” He moves closer wrapping an arm around my torso instead, pressing a comforting kiss to my jaw. “It’s your identity, it’s who you are, you don’t need to ask ‘if’ people are going to accept you.” His hand meets my cheek, gently bringing me to face him. “And I’ll continue loving you no matter what. I’m happy you finally decided to say it. You won’t get frustrated anymore. Is it okay to tell the others?”

“Yeah, it is.” I nod, feeling this weight being slowly removed from my chest, finally. “Just not today, okay? I’m tired already.” I smile a bit, somehow calming down with how relaxed Gerard himself is with this whole thing, expression never changing.

“Of course,” he hums, hand coming down to my collarbone as his eyes avert to my lips a few times. “You’re my wonderful partner, such an amazing and brilliant person I’m lucky to have.”

If I ever had anything to say to Gerard, it just vanishes from my head at the moment both of us lean in, lips pressed together in a sweet kiss. All the worry and nervousness has already vanished by now, being simply a distant memory that left this weird feeling in my chest, but it’s definitely better than all that weight that made it even hard to breathe.

“I love you no matter what,” he mutters and he’s quickly kissing me again, one of his hands moving to the back of my neck and playing with the few strands of hair there.

The most of a reply I’m able to give him without breaking the kiss is a muffled hum, and even though I really appreciate his words, I’m more focused on how he deepens the kiss, becoming more invested into it. I can feel the warmth of his skin through the jeans of his pants, under my hands as I place them on his thighs and lead them up to his hips, fingers slipping under his jacket and shirt to hold onto the warm skin and rub circles into it. A quiet sound escapes Gerard’s throat.

Only my lungs pleading for air forces me to come to a stop, panting softly with my eyes still closed and forehead pressed to Gerard’s, his eyelashes tickling mine lightly.

Gerard clearly has something in mind – he had it planned all along, knowing how the bastard can be – and my assumptions are proven true when his lips meet my neck, nibbling on and kissing the skin in an almost demanding manner.

“Gee,” I breathe softly, voice tight in my throat because Gerard didn’t choose any random spot on my neck. A groan comes from him in response, a quiet response, but gains a desperate tone with a light tug on his hair. Fuck. Resisting Gerard isn’t quite easy, so I try to keep my focus whilst enjoying his touches for a moment longer, soon I’m pulling away. “Needy today, aren’t we?” I tease lightly, observing his flushed face, though he doesn’t hold any embarrassment.

“Why? Got a problem?” He mocks and I can’t stop myself from laughing at his manners, his mouth twisting in a cute and sassy way. He rolls his eyes. A smug air laces his grin, wiped away from his face in seconds with a last kiss I give him before motioning for him to move further up the bed, which he does.

Gerard’s jacket meets the ground with a muffled sound at the same time I get rid of my shoes and jacket, soon climbing on the bed and making my way over to Gerard. He watches me with wide eyes, teeth sinking into his bottom lip in anticipation.

“How perfect can you be?” I ask, not bothering to keep my posture, flashing a half grin as I tug on his shirt and he helps me with getting rid of it.

“As perfect as you want me to be, sugar.” He’s as audacious and careless, lying there complacently and waiting for me to do something, pale skin almost pleading for my touches, contrasting perfectly with the dark grey shades of the covers.

“You’re terrible,” I mutter merely above a whisper, cold fingertips meeting the skin first, followed by my palms flat against his waist. Little bumps rise under my touch, but I ignore them, leaning in to start to mouth Gerard’s collarbones, doing to him the same he did to me earlier, though also allowing my hands to run up and down his sides and my thumbs are shortly sinking in the area right under the waistband of his jeans, around the trail of hair – his hips bulk forward in response, with a light groan escaping his lips.

Teasing Gerard absolutely isn’t part of my plans, but seeing him there like that makes me want to enjoy everything to the most, so I try to balance each movement between the enjoyable and uncomfortable for both of us.

Red marks mark my trail down Gerard’s torso, each having been accompanied by gasps and sometimes moans.

Gerard finally allows himself to breathe properly, catching his breath whereas I remove my shirt, promptly working on unbuckling his belt and undoing his pants, letting it fall to the ground along with the rest of his clothes. I take my moment to observe him again and Gerard doesn’t object – running his tongue between his lips and grinning when my eyes meet his.

All that posture is dropped the moment I bend down and nibble down onto Gerard’s hip, nuzzling the warm skin on my way down to his thighs. He’s bringing his legs up at the slightest touch on his thighs spreading them in a silent invitation I take, placing a hand on the underside of it, firmly. Gerard tenses up, twitching slightly according to how my lips linger over the skin, each time closer to his already hard cock, which falls heavily over his lower stomach.

“(Y/n),” he gasps, unable to say anything more once I wrap my lips around the thin, sensitive part of the inside of his thigh and nibble down onto it. Proper moans escape his lips, higher pitched, almost little whines.

Okay, okay, that’s enough – solely watching Gerard like this already has me aching for some friction, maybe some sort of touch even if it’s actually touching Gerard.

Our panting, along with the sound of my pants being removed, sounds loud in the sudden silence, making us aware of how loud Gerard was actually being.

Gerard only stares at the ceiling, hands loosely wrapped around the sheets, now messy after all the pulling. I gaze at him, at how delicate he seems and how the bright red tone on his cheeks and down his chubby body contrasts perfectly with all the paleness.

My bag rests beside the bed, against the bedside table just like I had left it there before having to leave the room to go talk with Ray and quickly came back to Gerard kissing me. It’s got a couple changes of clothes, my phone, some essentials, but most importantly, it has the strap-on, which I always bring along to the hotel stops, plus lube, just in case. And thank God I did.

“Turn that ass over for me,” I say, giving Gerard’s thigh a light slap.

A few groans come from Gerard, but he does do as said, turning on his stomach and glancing back at me with sulky pouty lips.

“My cute slut,” I tease, pecking his lips with a half smile.

“Yeah, yeah, don’t need to brag.” He waves a hand in dismissal, moving to grab one of the pillows so he can hug it. I roll my eyes, moving to kneel behind him and a new slap – this time on his ass – has him groaning again, though getting himself up on his knees, hips in the air.

Hell, yes. I hum in approval, pressing a kiss to the side of Gerard’s ass, keeping my focus on lubing up my fingers at the same time. Finally, I’m pressing one of my fingers to his hole. He tenses up a bit under the touch, the tight rim of muscles fluttering once I start to circle it, later welcoming my finger warmly once I sink it in. Gerard moans, softly and long.

Soon, a finger turns into two then into three until Gerard is a moaning mess, gasping and trembling at how my fingertips brush his prostate and press down on it, clenching around my fingers. His moans are becoming too desperate when I decide to finally pull away, breathing heavily myself and most likely flushed. “Fucking hell, Gerard,” I mutter softly, giving Gerard some time to recompose himself.

I clean my fingers on the sheets, not caring much because it’s not like the hotel is going to do something about it either. Instead, I focus on relieving myself, bringing my hand between my legs to try to get rid of at least a little bit of this need. Fuck. My finger slides along my clit as I look at Gerard for a moment then bite down on my lip, preventing any moan from escaping, throwing my head back at the pleasure, but I force myself to remove my hand in the moment my hips jolt forward like they had life themselves.

“Great, great,” I mutter to myself, trying to focus on slipping on the strap-on and grabbing the lube yet again.

Gerard breathes heavily, shifting a bit in his place, motions that come to a stop once I’m kneeling behind him, hands closed around his pudgy hips.

“Ready?” I ask a bit breathlessly, wetting my lips.

“Please,” he groans, voice muffled into the pillow. I comply. A louder gasp escapes Gerard’s lips at the feeling of the toy pushing in, slowly so he can adjust to it, whilst I lean down according to how my hips push in, feeling the skin of his back pressed against my torso, hot and damp with sweat already, but that’s the smallest of my worries. A soft moan escapes Gerard’s lips with my hips finally meeting the back of his ass completely and, feeling him wriggling lightly, I don’t hesitate in starting to move, pushing back just to sink in again.

A steady string of moans is soon escaping Gerard’s lips, interrupted sometimes by gasps and incoherent mumbling as my pace grows faster until I find a rhythm nice enough for the both of us. It’s subtle at first, but his hips are moving along, stuttering before finding a harmony with my movements and clearly summing up to his pleasure.

My nose is buried in Gerard’s hair, each of my shallow breaths and occasional groans coming with a faint smell of shampoo and cologne. His dark strands tickle my nose, but I don’t mind them, pressing soft kisses to the back of his neck and daring to nibble down on it.

“Hell, Gerard,” I say breathlessly, pulling myself back a bit so I can adjust the angle of my hips. “You’re going to be the death of me.” His moans just sound like absolute music to my ears, becoming even more pleasing after I find his prostate, snatching high pitched and more desperate, uncontrollable sounds from his throat, intensifying more as I start moving faster. “There you go,” I groan, letting go of one of his hips so I can wrap a hand around his dick, pumping it to the same rhythm of my thrusts.

“(Y/–” My name never gets to leave Gerard’s lips completely among the moans, only mumbled incoherently as he grips onto the pillow and practically melts under me. “I-I’m–” he gasps, followed by a shaky moan.

I need to move away for a moment, taking a look at Gerard’s face and it’s just heavenly, half hidden into the pillow, mouth hanging open in a way the upper row of short teeth are seen and his dark strands are everywhere, sticking to the skin with the sweat and covering his eyes, which are pressed shut.

“Then come, love, come,” I mutter lowly into his ear, sinking my finger into Gerard’s cock slit and not a minute later he’s coming, a long and high pitched moan escaping his throat with it. I keep on moving, attentive to his manners and pulling away before the oversensitivity can hit him.

A few quiet sounds still come from Gerard even while I put everything away – we can clean and organize it all tomorrow –, slowly relaxing on the mattress. He is eventually sitting up against the headboard, blinking slowly, still a bit disoriented. “Come here, will you?” His words almost run one into the other, but he keeps his focus, spreading his legs and patting the space between them.

“Yeah,” I mutter and sit down on the space, leaning back against Gerard, appreciating the warmth he brings me in contrast to the cold night air hitting my sweaty skin.

Gerard doesn’t waste any time, arm wrapped around my torso and fingers quickly working on my clit.

“Fuck,” I gasp, arching my back and patting around for something to hold onto, finally having a hand buried in Gerard’s hair whilst also holding onto his wrist. Gerard’s hum tickles my skin, his lips pressed against my neck as he nibbles on the skin, never slowing down his work with his hand. My pleasure soon grows when I feel a couple of fingers slipping in, scissoring and moving around until they’re pressing down on a specific spot, thumb still working against my clit.

My climax hits me before I can see, waves of pleasure sent running up my thighs as I tug onto Gerard, vision momentarily going black.

“Gerard,” I breathe, slowly coming back to reality, groaning softly at feeling him moving his hand away. He chuckles softly, unamused.

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angelkurenai · 4 years

Text

Caution. Slippery when wet. - Sebastian Stan x Reader

Title: Caution. Slippery when wet.

Pairing: Sebastian Stan x Reader

Warnings: Some language, Sexual tension, Dirty stuff (we all get it)

Summary: Imagine promoting your newest movie with your costar and friend, Sebastian Stan, and reading thirst tweets. Only resulting in more flirting, teasing and sexual tension too much for you to handle.

“Hello everyone, I am Sebastian Stan.” Sebastian spoke once you got the green light to start.

“And I am (Y/n) (Y/l/n).” you added when he paused for a second to look at you.

“And we're here to read some of your-” he looked at the bucket he was holding in his hand and you did the same with yours “Thirst tweets. Cause let's face it, how bad can it get?”

“You really are so unaware of the dangers that it's almost cute. I can't wait for you to get the shock of your life, dear, cause twitter doesn't hold back. Trust me.” you chuckled, enjoying the look of weariness and suspicion that Sebastian gave you before you turned to face the camera “But let's make something clear, before we start. He is here to read thirst tweets, I'm here to read some thirst tweets and make sure my side account has not been discovered.”

“I-” Sebastian started but paused again, eyes narrowing slightly at you “I want to ask but at the same time I think I don't... Am I somehow involved in all of it?”

“When are you not, Sebby?” you smirked at him, winking in a way that earned a laugh from the man. Taking a second or two to admire the way he hang his head low and laughed softly to himself you turned to the camera “But let's get started cause I see we both have plenty of this! I'll go first, since I've had years of preparing for this moment.”

“Wait- preparing for yours or mine?” he raised an eyebrow.

“No further information must be given until I've got my lawyer here or until the game's over. Too much is at stake.” you shrugged innocently “So here we go-” you pulled out a piece of paper from your bucket first and read it out loud “I mean, not to objectify, but (Y/n) (Y/l/n) in her new Endgame suit left me pregnant. And I'm a guy.” the second you read the whole tweet, both you and Sebastian couldn't help but burst into laughter.

“The movie must come with a warning first now huh?” he shook his head with a laugh as he pulled a paper out as well “Though I definitely agree with that guy, you looked amazing.” he made sure to point out, looking at you as you were still giggling before focusing his eyes on the paper once more “Alright, here I go: Man, Sebastian Stan could run me over with a truck and I'd still... suck that dick?” he trailed off a bit and the last part came out as a question. He paused, blinking as he looked at the camera with a tilt of his head and you could hardly stifle your laughter, mostly at his reaction.

“Alright, that's-” he paused, looking down at the paper again just to make sure before shaking his head and saying with wide eyes “Wow. I uh... thanks, I guess?”

“You know-” you tried to calm yourself down “You know what's even more weird?” you asked.

He frowned and looked at you “No, and I'm not sure I wanna know either. But you're gonna tell me either way so, go ahead and make it worse. Though I doubt how easy it'll be to top this off.”

“Is that the order it would happen in?” you said and looked back at the camera “Because, man, it concerns me. It's 2020 and a zombie apocalypse is not far from possible right now.”

“Alright-” Sebastian huffed “It did get wore, yes. Seriously, the image I got is even more disturbing now.” he closed his eyes, lips pursed as he shoo his head.

“Oh honey.” you said sweetly, placing a hand on your friend's shoulder “And this is just the beginning.” you chuckled when he groaned more.

However, you could see a playfulness in his eyes, and the small smile that tugged at the corner of his lips that gave away his whole act. So after giving him a small squeeze with your hand, you pulled away – completely trying your hardest to ignore the way you missed the warmth of the contact and convince yourself that it was nothing. You were becoming better at it lately as it seemed.

Convincing yourself of things that weren't true, such as you being only friends, such as you not longing for his touch or smile directed at you, such as him probably seeing you as family and no other way (no way which your heart longed for), had started being much easier with time. It was easier, and it certainly hurt less, to flirt and be playful with him, to touch him casually and to give (and receive) easy smiles and looks that you labeled as your thing, as part of your friendship, both to him and the rest of the world, and nothing more. With no more or any real meaning behind all of it. And he went along with it so there was no reason to even think of this as more than just a game, the way your friendship worked, even if your heart did crazy leaps each time his hands lingered or the way he looked at you had something about it.

You cleared your throat “Alright, let's get back to the game-” you tried to suppress a shudder when you felt his hand on your neck and his thumb rubbing soft circles, after all it wasn't the first time, as he leaned a bit over your shoulder to look down at the paper as well “(Y/n) (Y/l/n) could walk up to me and punch me in my face for no reason and I'd honestly apologize. Oooh no, no I wouldn't do that to you. I'm- I'm more of a tender and sweet lover, though of course it also depends on the guy I'm with.”

“Would you be tender with me?” Sebastian asked, small smirk on his lips but not as playful as... curious perhaps; the thumb on your back continued to bring pleasant shivers down your spine.

You managed a small, easy laugh before shrugging innocently “You'll have to take me out on a date first, Seb, and then you'll see for yourself.”

“Good thing I am free later then.” he shrugged, his smile too sweet for you to not reciprocate before his hand gave your shoulder a squeeze as well “Now, my turn-” he cleared his throat as he pulled a paper and frowned at it “I want Sebastian Stan to take my ass and fold my entire body inside out.” he paused for a second or two, an absolute silence setting on the room where Sebastian was looking at the camera with a straight face, you doing your best to keep yourself from laughing because of said expression “That-” he too a deep steady breath “Wouldn't be good for your health. You know that right?”

“It's something I did not want to picture is possible. That's what it is.” you chuckled, fishing for a tweet of your own “Wow your fans are on a roll, Sebastian.” you chuckled when he gave you a look as well “Ok, uhm Alright but (Y/n (Y/l/n) not finding her seat on that interview made me think like: 'Ma'am please use my face.' Wow now that's- that's the kind of tweets I had in mind. See, me not finding my seat on that interview had kind of became a meme and I'd laugh at it but this- this does give the whole situation a new kind of meaning.”

“Hold up a sec-” Sebastian spoke up, eyes narrowed “Is this person implying-”

“Because yes, I'd let her sit on my face.” you read the last part in addition “Not implying, he's stating it.” you shrugged slightly, chuckling a bit at how ridiculous and yet amusing this was. At first you thought it would get awkward with your crush sitting right next to you but right now you were beginning to think it was entertaining.

“I-” Sebastian pausing, eyes narrowing and jaw clenching in that way that distracted you for a couple seconds, before he turned to the camera “Is there a way to find someone's address through their tweets?”

“Pretty sure it could be possible yes.” his manager, who was also there behind the camera, shrugged.

“Oh my, don't encourage this!” you exclaimed, despite how adorable he looked grumpy and dare you think... jealous? Maybe, hopefully “It's just a tweet. Just read the next one, will you please?”

The man next to you huffed, eyes carefully following your motions as you placed the paper away – as if planning to snatch it later – before focusing back on his own “Alright, these are like in a list, one below the other but I'll just read it as I see it [someone mentions Sebastian Stan] Me: Caution. Slippery when wet.” another pause only because-

“Oh my- Yes!” you nearly exclaimed with a laugh “Yes, that's how it feels like! Wait, for a second there I sounded like Loki but-” you grinned, shrugging “I mean, it's true. Like, seriously- Same! And just imagine seeing him naked from up close, oh girl that's what I called a good morning.”

“Wait-” he looked at you with a raised eyebrow and you shrugged once more innocently, maybe a little too innocently to the point he could see you didn't mean it “What?”

“Long story which I will probably share first with the fans and then with you.” you winked and this time he narrowed his eyes playfully but you ignored it, or at least tried to “Is it just me or does seeing (Y/n) use that lasso in Infinity War make you think: 'Yes ma'am, tie me up and have your way with me' Is that a kink now? Cause it should be. I'm... flattered that me and the lasso of truth could do that? I don't know what to say, honestly.” you laughed, shaking your head and feeling the heat rise up in your cheeks.

“This is the same guy from before, isn't it?” Sebastian asked, nobody in particular, as he looked around at the cameras and crew “I just know it, you can't tell me otherwise. But-” he let a small breath, a smile on his lips that wasn't all that sweet and you knew that if the person that had written the tweet was standing there he would be dead just from the look on Sebastian's face “FYI: It's not as fun as you think my friend, it gets uncomfortable and the lasso is made out of a thick rope that leaves marks which last for uhm about four to five days. The makeup department didn't like that but luckily I wear mostly long-sleeved shirts and jackets so it's fine. Anyway, just sharing my personal experience on the matter seeing as you sadly won't ever get to live that dream out yourself.”

His shrug was anything but innocent to you and with a smile, not very open, but certainly far too smug for anyone to miss. You didn't want your heart to but that too was included, and it gave a skip in its beat when it felt the spark of hope within your chest. All you did was play coy and raise an eyebrow “What?”

“What?” Sebastian asked back casually and you blinked several times before he winked at you and turned back to looking through his bucket with a small smirk on his lips “My turn, let's see: Sebastian Stan is so lucky. He gets to touch Sebastian Stan's dick any time he wants. You guys are seriously-You're on a roll!” this time you both couldn't help your laughter, to the point you were wiping tears off your eyes.

“Man-” you sighed a little, a smile still on your lips as you both tried to calm down; but playing along with it you looked down at Sebastian and the up to his eyes, saying “Aren't you lucky Seb!” you nodded your head with a wishful look and it soon had you both erupting into a new feat of laughter.

“Well-” he tried to stay serious but his laughter gave it all away; he looked at the camera “See, it comes with the perks of being born in this body. And (Y/n) (Y/l/n) is the only one who gets a free pass on that, so I'm sorry you can't but uhm yeah, that's life.”

“I'm really really tempted to ask about that, and even more tempted to try it but-” you cleared your throat, pulling out a paper yourself and tried to focus “Heard (Y/n) (Y/l/n) has been doing some extra training lately for her new movie but she thinks none of it real fun. Why don't she use my-” you paused for a second there, trying to get the words out in between your laughter “Why don't she use my dick as a trampoline. 100% fun assured.” you didn't even know if your words were fully clear but you couldn't control it “Wow this I was probably not prepared for. Though I once came across a guy's tweet that went like 'Hey, (Y/n), if you're looking for a ride, zipper of my jeans is 24/7 open.' or something like that. This is a bit more creative I'll give them that.” you laughed a bit more when both of Sebastian's eyebrows shot up in surprise; you cleared your throat before continuing “I mean, I'll admit I like trampoline. Oh no, not that kind- Although, that kind is absolutely fine and fun and all too, but you kno-”

“Oh my goodness please stop. This-” he sighed, looking back at the camera “I had pictured many outcomes but this? This tops it all off easily.”

“Come on, you came here to read thirst tweets. Is me saying I'm good at trampoline or if you want a demonstration I'm always available, that off the realm of possible outcomes?” you asked, laughing wholeheartedly when his eyes widened and maybe taking a bit of extra pleasure in seeing the red color rise in his cheeks.

“That last one is not that bad.” he shrugged “Alright, I've got one last tweet let's see what twitter has to say about my- Oh it's not about it, alright.” he nodded his head “Someone: says something. Me: Yeah but have you seen Sebastian Stan's ass? I mean-”

“Hold up.” you spoke up before he could continue “Can you please get up?” you asked sweetly and he raised a curious eyebrow but he still got up. Without shame you took a good look at his ass before speaking “Alright, you can sit. See, every time someone mentions art, I must spend a couple seconds in silence admiring it.” you shrugged innocently, this time even members of the crew laughing apart from Sebastian himself “Everyone keeps mentioning America's ass and I'm like ok, it's fine, but have you seen this guy's? Work. Of. Art. I tell you.”

“Thank you, thank you! Finally someone said it, I mean-” Sebastian tried to hold back his laughter and shake his head with a heavy sigh “Everyone keeps talking about America's ass and while I do agree, it's hard to compete with that one, I'm equally sad nobody will give mine some love and attention!”

“I'll give it all the love it deserves, don't worry. People are just sleeping on it because oh if only you guys looked at it a bit more you would know just how good that ass looks with and without clothes!”

“Hey, yeah, you keep mentioning the naked part and I almost forgot-” he sounded actually surious as he turned to look at you “When did that happen?”

“When?” you blinked “Is that seriously what you're asking me? When?” you giggled and he grinned.

“Hey I'm just wondering in case I missed out on the best moment of my life or something. Besides-” he shrugged “I walk around my trail naked all the time on purpose and in hopes that you will just walk in at some point. I was hoping that when it happened we were more face to face than face to back, you know? Though I'm glad you appreciate the back view as well.” he was saying it as if it was the most casual thing in the world, and just because you knew him so well you had a hard time thinking it could only be a joke, unlike the rest of the people in the room who couldn't control their laughter.

“Yeah, I have a terrible habit of never knocking when I walk into a friend's place. Terrible indeed.”

“Eh depends on who you're asking.” Sebastian shrugged once more, smirking “I find it lovely.”

“Of course you would.” you muttered feeling your own face heat up “But for the sake of everyone in here, and to be able to give them a break from all these laughter, I think a slight change of topic would be nice. And I can happily say I am out of tweets to read. What about you?”

“Thankfully, for the both of us, yes I am done. Though it does beg the question-” he looked at you with a smirk “Did they discover your secret account about me?”

“No, no and it's a good thing. Because really, we wouldn't want everyone to know about all the spicy details concerning your front and rare view, as you call it.” you grinned “And, before you ask how, I'll tell you that's not a topic I'll talk about that easily. I will need the proper motivation to, first.” you giggled when he raised an interested eyebrow “All jokes aside, it's probably a really old account that I think I used when I was simply a fan and not an actress or part of the MCU and I didn't really use it to begin with.”

“That still doesn't mean I'm still not intrigued to find it myself.” Sebastian pointed out and you gave him a playful punch on the shoulder.

“You say they didn't discover your account but didn't say any of the tweets weren't yours, too.” it was barely half a second later, and in between Sebastian's laughter, but you heard the words crystal clear coming from your manager and you glared daggers at her.

“Oh my-” Sebastian's eyes widened “(Y/n)... is any of these tweets from your old account? Is there some dirty little secret in one of these that belongs in your past?”

“You know what belongs in my past? My manager and our friendship, that's what.” you gave her a look as she laughed before you shook your head “That's a question I refuse to answer.”

“You say that as if I am ever going to give up trying to get it out of you. And don't worry I have my ways, I can be pretty persuasive.”

...

“Just check your twitter people for more info on Sebastian's front view then!”

~~~

A/N: As always, love making interview fics, especially ones packed with flirting or innuendos so I am really happy to give you one again after so long! Would love to hear your opinion on it and even more if you’d like a continuation or another fic of the same kind, thirst fics of course, with another actor lemme know!

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