#fell back down this rabbit hole and hate myself for it lol | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

jupiterseemsnice · 2 months

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oops its me again

I literally posted one thing on here then bounced apparently lol.

i fell down the rabbit hole of depression again oh man.

living with depression is so crazy because internally your telling yourself you need to get up and do things and its like your body is on vacation. I hate being the way I am. all messed up in the brain. I have good days I really do but sometimes the bad out weigh the good. which is so stupid because my life is a blip on the radar compared to a lot and I do mean a lot of other peoples struggles. And some people are literally dying right now and I'm posted up in my bed upset because of some chemical imbalance.

Now I'm not shitting on mental health because it is real I.e me, but its foreal wack. like its like an out of body experience when someone with a PHd tells me I have something wrong with me I'm like welp lol.

i just cant believe all of my life choices have led me to where I am now in life. Im 28, unemployed at the moment, No education like shit man I didn't even graduate highschool. Truthfully I wish just for one single day I can go back in time to slap the shit out of my 14 year old self and tell her to get her shit together. My school days consisted of boys and friends who weren't really my friends and gaucho pants. I'm not even kidding I am not even friends with the people I spent the entirety of my pre pubescent life with. My childhood bestfriends are just facebook friends, I cant even remember the names of the boys I used to chase around at recess. Then in highschool I was more concerned about older boys and what I was gonna wear to the school dances,which I wish the fashion in 2012 weren't so well I guess now they're an "aesthetic" vibe for kids today. Yikes.

BUT I will always hold onto my skinny jeans till the day I die lol.

finally killed off the side bangs when I was 22.

I finally took the initiative to go back to school though. signed up for classes cause 10 years out of highschool I've learned I've retained nothing except for stuff that isn't going to take me anywhere. like PEMDAS. did anyone else learn it as " please excuse my dear aunt sally"? or did I just grow up weird. even though I know what it means and can tell you what it stands for, if you put a problem Infront of me using that formula I'd look at you like a deer in the headlights.

I doubt anyone will ever read this but if by some chance you do... I cant promise its gonna get better, but you have to fight the battle more then once to win it. So keep fighting, keep loving, and never accept less then what you deserve. truly, I know trust me I know its easier said then done, but the universe needs you.

I really do be rambling on here lol.

its nice to get the internal thoughts...external? lmao.

I'm trying to find joy in the things I used to love.

I started reading again, I haven't gotten very far in the book I just got but I'm gonna get there. have been finally giving myself a proper bedroom. when I moved into my apartment the only thing I had for my room was a bed. now I got a big girl bed frame AND a new mattress oh and I replaced this giant desk I bought off market place for $30 dollars with a smaller one, more simple. and I got fairy lights for my curtains and today I bought a led salt lamp. very vibey in here. even as I'm dumping all this into endless typing I have lofi playing in the background. I hope oneday I can just breathe without a heaping pile of bullshit on my imaginary plate. fingers crossed.

I love you.<3

#mental health #blog #inner thoughts #talking #random

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sheikah · 4 years

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#mabastian #mabastianedit #reign #reignedit #perioddramaedit #mary stuart #sebastian de poitiers #mine #the cutest scene right before the worst possible turn of events #fell back down this rabbit hole and hate myself for it lol #also these gifs are super old and i never crop this way anymore but ive never posted these so 🥳#untagged

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killmygoldenn · 3 years

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So you started off as a solo harrie and then fell down the 1d-larry rabbit hole? Because that's what happened to me but with Louis

Yup! Honestly mine is a long and complicated story. And when you hear it, I will come off as the most MASSIVE hypocrite ever lmao. Back when One Direction was together (🙂) I HATED them. Like capital H hated them. Most of it was because I was like this classic carnatic singer kid who hated mainstream music and grew up listening to my mum's favourite 70's and 80's English artists. So I straight up used to like, make fun of my friends and shit. Like the things I said bro, only if I could go back and slap myself. One thing I distinctly remember my stupid ass say was "you guys only like them because they look good 😤" istg 🤦🏽‍♀️ the worst part is I DID like them and used to sing along with everyone when we sang wmyb but I was too much of a stuck up bitch to admit it (my favourites back then were Harry maybe I had a crush on him and Zayn we love our desi boy) also poor Louis I was so horrible

Well anyways, around the time they all like started releasing solo music, I listened to Slow Hands and I was like omg JAM! I still didn't listen to the whole of Flicker tho when it came out. But when SOTT came out I was like oh my god I love this so much dhdjdkd and basically became a solo harrie (because even then I was a stuck up bitch who can't enjoy music that is fun). I did listen to Just Hold On but I didn't like it much since I listened to it once but then my friend told me the about Jay and I was 🥺. I still didn't look much into Louis even at that point.

Then around mid 2018 I got back in touch with the fandom after not keeping up much (still was a solo harrie) and listened to HS1 on repeat for so long (especially MMITH I was obsessed with that song, still am) (I just had a breakup) but it was then when I like was actively in the fandom and fell in love with the band and then found larry and fell in love with larry and THEN absolutely head over heels fall in love with Louis who is literally everything to me now.

It was a journey but I'm glad I am here now lol. Since now I have completely exposed myself please do not bully me lmao

#fhfjfkf this was long and unnecessary lmao but okay #please i beg you don't bully me #asks #lmao #1d #my friends hate me and give me enough shit #lovely mutuals #fandom discourse

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gabriel-agreste-has-no-rights · 4 years

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(Not a new fic, I just keep forgetting to officially post this one here)

Rating: T

Summary: Ladybug's suit doesn't have any arch support. Luckily, she has a supportive partner who can help.

Word Count: 2262

Notes: Breaking my usual silly reveal fic brand for some ladynoir fluff. Inspired by lnc2’s tumblr post: https://gabriel-agreste-has-no-rights.tumblr.com/post/190301790972/lnc2-lnc2-chat-noir-has-boots-but-what-about

Please ignore the fact that I may be misinterpreting Mister Bug and Lady Noire’s costume designs as well, it’s vaguely plot relevant lol

XXX

Long-distance akumas were the worst. She and Chat had swung, vaulted, and ran all the way across Paris to catch Cyclone, an akumatized cyclist upset he’d lost his place in the Tour de France. A very very fast cyclist, thanks to Hawkmoth’s assistance.

“I think we should switch kwamis again,” Marinette grumbled as she dropped down to sit on the roof, her legs dangling off the side like the deadweight they were.

“You know if you ever want to wear the clown costume all you have to do is ask.” Chat Noir smirked as he plopped down beside her, one foot resting over his knee. “I doubt I could’ve come up with what you did with the laundry detergent, though. I probably would’ve just asked for a jet pack. Or a motorcycle. Ooh, or maybe—”

“The Lucky Charm doesn’t work like that.”

“Maybe not for you. Maybe I just know what I want.” He leaned into her space, and it looked like he might have been wiggling his eyebrows, but it was hard to tell under his mask.

Marinette bit back a laugh and pushed him back by the nose. “Nice try. I know exactly what I want in that regard, kitty.”

That statement was… not quite as true as it used to be. She knew she was after blond hair and soft green eyes, after someone who was kind and sweet and selfless. But before she’d realized it, the model smiles and loose t-shirts in her dreams were joined by teasing smirks and tight leather.

...But it was just because she spent so much time with Chat, that’s all. For all the distance she’d tried to keep, it was hard to resist getting closer to him. He was her best friend.

“The akuma right has nothing to do with it though,” she went on before she could fall down that rabbit hole again. “Well I guess it does a little. Sort of. I mean—I want your boots.”

Chat blinked. “I don’t think they’d fit you, Bug.”

“I mean,” she huffed, gesturing to her own suited feet, “I have no arch support whatsoever. The miraculous cure might fix the akuma’s damage, but I’m still left with two slabs of pain hanging at the end of my legs.”

They had (separately) dropped their transformations to feed their kwamis before suiting up again, but that hadn’t eased her aching feet either. She was still really, really not looking forward to making it all the way back home.

“Let me get this straight,” Chat said with a stifled snicker, “you want to borrow Plagg so your transformation will give you real shoes.”

“Hey, I’d like to see you run around my suit and not complain. And your Mister Bug transformation doesn’t count. Tikki gave you boots.” She crossed her arms.

He leaned back on his palms and smirked. “Careful, Bugaboo. I’m flattered you’re jealous of me, but green really isn’t your color.”

She shoved his arm, sending him flopping back on the roof with a laugh.

“I regret asking. You keep the clown costume.”

He tucked his hands behind his head before flashing a wink. “You just know you’d miss seeing me in black leather.”

“You’re impossible, you know that?” She rolled her eyes, which kept her gaze from where Chat was stretched out, practically begging to be stared at. She’d hate for her expression to prove him right.

“Im-paw-ssible, you mean.” He gave a lopsided grin. Yep, she could just focus on that, and not the way he was lounging like he was attempting to recreate one of Adrien’s model poses… and succeeding…

(Even best friends weren’t supposed to stare at each other like that, were they?)

His voice snapped her out of ogling him. “If your feet really hurt, though, there’s always something else you could ask.”

“I already tried.” She sighed. If nothing else, the pain in her feet was also a good distraction from her unfairly attractive partner. “Tikki can’t change the suit at this point. Not unless I can drastically change how I see myself, but I can’t perform the mental gymnastics to pull that off.”

“I wasn’t talking about Tikki.” He sat up abruptly and held out his hand. “You know I’ll support you, even if your footwear won’t.”

Her nose scrunched. “Sorry, Chat, but I don’t think moral support is going to heal my feet.”

“I didn’t mean moral support. Foot massage, no strings attached. For my partner who carries the whole world on her shoulders without even an insole.”

He beamed at her, as if rubbing her stinky, sweaty feet would be a favor to him.

She shook her head. “You really don’t have to, Chat. My feet are disgusting.” Especially after dashing across Paris all afternoon. Her soles had to be caked in grit from every street in the city.

“You could never disgust me, my Lady.” He grinned dopily. It should be illegal for him to show that kind of adoration with just a smile. It was getting harder and harder to remember why she kept rejecting her partner.

Because you’re still in love with Adrien. Because she couldn’t give Chat the kind of unwavering devotion he already showed her. And because he didn’t deserve anything less.

...But he did offer the foot rubs with no strings attached. With the way her feet were throbbing, to turn him down would be nothing but an act of pride.

“Alright, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

She kicked her feet up into his lap. The suit protected her from the rough concrete and debris her feet were constantly exposed to, but the magical fabric barely dulled the soft touch of her partner’s hands. All things considered, they’d shared weirder touches—they’d been tied up and tangled together more times than she could count at this point—but something about his soothing ministrations felt more intimate than she expected. Maybe she’d just expected him to play a prank and tickle her, but this…

“If I would’ve known you’d do this, I would have asked you ages ago.” Her voice was a little breathless as she laid back perpendicular to him. His thumbs continued to massage heavenly patterns into the arch of her foot.

“So you’ll admit my hands are good for something besides using Cataclysm?” His voice was teasing, but she didn’t care. Her foot had never felt this good. How much pain had built up there over the weeks and months of akuma fights?

More importantly, how could she convince Chat to make this a regular thing?

“Yes,” she breathed. “Where did you learn how to do this? You have a side job as a masseuse?”

He chuckled but kept up the motion of his magical hands. “Old friend, actually. She always found ways to make me give her foot rubs when we were younger.”

“Lucky girl,” Marinette murmured, her eyes slipping closed. He moved his attention to her other foot, working his way up from her heel towards her toes. If this was how good Chat was with her feet…

Nope, nope, she was not letting that train of thought out of the station.

“Don’t worry, LB, your feet are much cuter than hers.”

“Please tell me you don’t have a weird thing for feet,” she blurted, apparently having lost her filter to his hands.

He just laughed, though. “Only yours,” he said, and then she felt something soft press to the top of her big toe.

“Chat!” She sprung upright to see him winking again before pulling his lips back from her foot. “Gross! You don’t know where that’s been!”

That only made him laugh harder—so hard he was actually gasping for breath. “Your face!”

She snapped her jaw shut, only then realizing how dumbly she’d been gaping. “You kissed my foot! What did you expect me to do?”

“I kiss your hand all the time.” He shrugged, his grin turning sly. “So unless you have a thing for feet…”

“Oh my gosh, Chat, shut up.” She covered her blushing cheeks, mostly just disappointed that there was no way she could both keep her dignity and ask him for another foot massage.

“I wouldn’t tell. I’d give you alllll the foot rubs you want.”

“Tempting,” she muttered.

“Hmm? What was that?”

She glared out from between her fingers, but couldn’t tell from his teasing grin if he’d actually heard her or not.

“I was just wondering,” she said, beginning to spin a plan in her mind. “Foot massages aren’t that hard, really. Of course you’d be good at them.”

His grin fell to a pout. “What are you getting at?”

“I mean, a real challenge would be giving a good neck and shoulder massage. It takes a strong enough touch to ohhhhhhhh…”

She was gone. He’d moved to kneel behind her, his fingers angled to keep his claws from pricking her as he dug into the knots that had been afflicting her for ages. Anxiety and tension unraveled under the circular motions of his thumbs.

“What was that, Bugaboo?” He whispered near her ear, sending shivers down her spine—shivers that he could probably feel, considering his hands had moved closer together to massage between her shoulderblades.

“You’re… terrible.”

“Mm-hm. I guess I should just stop, then—”

“Don’t you dare.”

Gone, gone, gone. And from her quick response, he had to know it too.

His hands paused for half a second before starting again.

“As my Lady wishes,” he purred.

He didn’t hold back. His fingers dug deep into muscles tight from use, pressing hard enough to make her wince at times. But it still felt like heaven. Why was she not dating this boy, again?

Bad Marinette, she told herself. You can’t date your partner just to take advantage of his back rubs. Or the fact that he’s hot. Or the fact that he would literally die for you, and has proved so on several occasions.

Or the fact that he’s madly in love with you. Can’t forget that.

Those reasons were not listed in order of importance, but they were rather compelling. Particularly with his touch melting away her more rational objections.

She wasn’t sure how long it was (not long enough) when his hands finally stilled, resting with his thumbs gently brushing the curve of her shoulderblades.

“What do you say? Did I pass the test?” He asked, sounding a little self-conscious now.

Test of what? Seeing if he could turn her into a puddle? The answer to that was a definite yes, but she’d prefer to keep that information confidential for at least a little longer.

“Y-yeah. Thanks, kitty.”

Her skin missed his warmth as he drew back.

“Anytime, Bugaboo.”

It sounded like he really was willing to let that be the end of that. No strings attached. But—

“I still owe you,” she said, tucking her legs under her and turning to face him.

“I had a feeling you’d say that,” he replied with a chuckle. “You never do like to accept help, even from me. Or maybe it’s especially from me…”

“That’s not it.” She shook her head, scooting closer. Was that really what he thought? “We’re partners, Chat. I just don’t want to take more than I give.”

“You give me plenty, Ladybug.” His voice turned serious as his hand inched towards hers, before coming to rest on the concrete roof just a centimeter away. “Just getting to spend time with you outside of fighting akumas is a treasure. I wouldn’t ask for anything more than that.”

Despite his usual outrageous flirting, she knew that was true. If she ever wanted him to stop, he would.

But she’d never wanted him to. Maybe because she knew deep down, she’d been falling for him all along.

“Hmmmm.” She looked away, out towards the sunset horizon. “That’s too bad.”

“Huh?”

A grin tugged at her lips. “I hear your Lucky Charm gives you exactly what you ask for.”

Out of the corner of her eye, she watched his expression turn from confusion, to shock, to hope.

“And you… know what I’d ask for, right?”

Her shrug screamed nonchalance. She could only hope it would cover up the pounding of her heart.

“I’ve got a pretty good idea.”

Maybe she couldn’t give Chat her whole heart yet. And maybe part of her was being selfish, worn down by his teasing smiles and melting hands. But… she had a feeling that if she let down this last barrier, it wouldn’t be long before she was giving him the same smitten look he directed at her now.

“Will you go out with me, my Lady?” His hands were clasped beneath his chin, his tone practically begging. It almost made her regret what she was about to say. But she couldn’t let him off that easy.

“That depends.”

Her quick reply startled him—but not as much as the soft, slow kiss she pressed to his cheek.

She decided that she absolutely adored the stunned look on his face, the pink blooming beneath his mask, his golden eyelashes fluttering. He was still gaping when she tossed one last wink over her shoulder.

“Can you catch me now that my feet are feline good again?”

And he was still gaping when she tossed her yo-yo out to the next roof.

“Ladybug, wait—!”

She was done waiting. Maybe he had a point about the Lucky Charm—he’d always known what he wanted. She’d always gotten what she needed.

Finally, it seemed those two things were one and the same.

#fic tag #tali writes #ladynoir #love square #miraculous ladybug #chat noir #ladybug #still really happy with this one

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surveys-at-your-service · 4 years

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Survey #239

i just want to sincerely apologize if my surveys take a negative nosedive again. i know this one’s kinda grim and i don’t want to make that a routine, but things are just rough right now and i’m not gonna lie on a survey, y’know.

Do you know anyone who works at McDonald’s? Not that I'm aware of. Do you know anyone who plays heaps of sports? Probably through school. Have you ever been suspended from school? No. Where do your cousins live? Aaaaaaall over the U.S. Have you met any of your second cousins? Possibly at some point? Do you like the All-American Rejects? I like "Move Along" and "It Ends Tonight" is good, but that's all off the top of my head. Oh wait, of course there's "Gives You Hell." When was the last time you wore a skirt? WOW I have ZERO clue. Probably not since elementary years. Have you ever finished a whole video game? Plenty. If so, which one(s)? There are way too many. Do you know anyone with a pet snake? Me, Sara, probably others. Which one of your friends has great music taste? Sara. Was the last person you hung out with single? That would be my young niece and nephew... so yeah. Have you ever attended a private school? I'm a private college now. Have you ever been in an abusive relationship? No, thank Christ. Have you ever cooked for anyone other than yourself? I made breakfast for Sara once. If your phone has a hole for phone charms, is it on the left or right side? I don't have one. Would you rather live in the city, the suburbs, or the rural area? Kinda like... suburban mixed with rural. I don't wanna be totally isolated, particularly away from necessary stores and such, but I also do NOT wanna be swarmed by people. Maybe like a loose neighborhood in the woods outside a small town? Do you know someone who is really ambidextrous? Sara. Did you use a pencil today? No. Are you adopted? Nope. Have you ever had your car break down on you? Never when I've driven, not that that's been much. With Mom, yes. Dad, idr. Jason's prom night, yeah; his truck broke down otw home at a stop light. Oof. Who was the last person that cried in your presence? My mom. It's the worst. When was the last time you ate at your favorite restaurant? Oh wow, probably not since my last birthday. What was the last thing someone gave you? A close family friend/my former teacher lent me a $20 just in case I needed anything while my mom was up in NY. Can you write your name in a foreign language? My first name (at least) is the same in German; even though "y" doesn't exist in the language, I guess it does for foreign names?? Idk about my last name. Who is the person you often go to for venting? Sara. Do you keep an actual journal or diary? No, not anymore. I did briefly when I had that WILD and totally random Jason obsession episode, but once I came off that godawful medicine and I went back to normal, I deleted it. Have you ever been prescribed Vicodin? That sounds very familiar... Maybe? Perhaps that's what was prescribed after my surgery? Have you ever cheated on someone without them finding out about it? Well considering I've never cheated and never would, I can't answer this. Was the last person you kissed male or female? Female. Who were you with the last time you went swimming? Colleen, at the beach. Does your dining table currently have place mats on it? No; we don't even eat at it. What was the last thing you cooked in an oven? I myself have literally never used an oven. I'm scared to. Oh wait, yeah I have... on some occasions where Mom needed me to put something in there or take something out, but idr what. But boy and I can tell you without memory that I was jumpy as hell about it. Is it hard for you to be “just friends” with the opposite sex? No. It's difficult for me to like-like people, especially men when you consider I'm generally afraid of them, on top of I'm just paranoid and don't trust easily. Do you prefer wheat or white bread? Wheat. Do you have an electric toothbrush? No, but coincidentally, I actually have that on my Christmas wishlist. Have you ever had an “exotic” or “abnormal” pet? Do you consider a Chinese water dragon "exotic?" Then I have a ball python morph. Have you ever eaten lobster? No, and considering crab is nauseating, I doubt lobster would be too different. What is your grade point average (if you’re still in school)? I don't know right now and don't know where to find it. Have you ever played croquet? Oh yeah. My sisters and I LOVED that shit as kids. Who was the last person you called? Dad. Have you ever watched Ghostbusters? No, believe it or not. When was the last time you drew a picture? Yikes... been a while. Not since I started a concept drawing of encompassing a panic attack in a meerkat form, as I tend to do. I haven't touched it in months. It's right on the second shelf of the table beside me, so... my only remaining excuse as to not finish it is that the paper is horribly wrinkled now. Are you happy? Not exactly. Should you be doing something now? I could be doing the practice exam work my math professor gave us all considering it's extra credit, but. Yeah. I'm absolutely awful at math and barely passing but I don't exactly need another stressor right now. Is there a smoke detector on every floor of your house? We only have one floor. What was the last kind of soup you ate? I tried vegetable soup anyway when I got my tongue pierced because I literally could not eat solids for over a week, but I'm a picky asshole who didn't like it so wasted the can. I had to survive almost exclusively on meal replacement shakes and popsicles. Warning from the wise: you want your tongue pierced? You better fucking want it bad because healing is a P R O C E S S. Or at least mine was, having to get it re-done and all... Have you ever had to do a class in summer school? No. Have you ever went a year without getting your hair cut? I don't think a year... but maybe? Do you think you could go a week without sugar? Considering sugar is in like... EVERYTHING, probably no? Would you be willing to go one day each week without meat? I don't really pay attention, but I probably already do. I'd like to eat as little meat as possible. Hell, I wish I could go full-on vegan. Do you feel comfortable telling people how much you weigh? NO. Do you have any talents that your friends don’t know about? No. Are you any good at sewing? Never tried, not interested. Has anyone ever interviewed you about one of your hobbies/talents? No. Would you ever consider experimenting with drugs? Marijuana for medical purposes if I didn't have to smoke it. I'm not smoking anything, I don't care what it is. What’s been tugging on your heart lately? I guess life in general. Mortality, death. Teddy died in my arms, I saw my grandmother physically ravaged by cancer, and just life hasn't been the kindest lately. I've been thinking about how time just flies, how every moment should be cherished even though it's so fucking hard, and just yeah. I don't wanna go down this rabbit hole. Are you comfortable with who you are? Have you accepted who you are? I don't know dude I shouldn't be taking a survey during like an existential crisis lol. What is the last thing you did that made you feel guilty? Decided to get some really unhealthy fries with my dinner. Would you have sex with the last person you texted? It's not a matter of "would," I want to. I may have already, I don't really know what separates foreplay from lesbian sex. Do you consider weed, marijuana, pot, etc. a drug? This isn't even an argument anymore, it's fact. It's a mind-altering substance. "Drug" does not always equate to bad, either. Are you planning on kissing anyone tomorrow evening? It'd be nice. Do you require a lot of private time? Oh yeah, but way less than I used to. I get depressed if I'm alone for too long now. Have you ever done something humiliating while drunk? N/A What is your favorite classic Disney movie? The Lion King. Do you like looking at old photographs? Yeah, usually. Do you enjoy puzzles? Yeah. Do you prefer painting or drawing? Drawing by a long shot. I'm taking a painting course this upcoming semester though, so hopefully that'll up my skill and thus enjoyment of it. Do you ever wear high heels? No, I don't have a reason to. Do you use belts? No, considering I never wear anything with belt loops. When was the last time you played Uno? Oh my fucking god, it's been forever, thankfully. When I lived with Colleen, as did her younger sister, we played Uno a lot, and then, AND THEN, came the night Chelsea dyed my hair red. Mind you, the ONLY TIME dyeing my hair had been truly successful and long-lasting. The process took hours, and we played Uno round after Uno round... and now I literally hate it. What do you like better, kiwis or pineapple? Oh man, I love both, but I gotta say kiwi. Are you trying to grow out your hair? No, I actually need to cute it again. What is your favorite perfume/body spray/cologne? Don't have one, really. Have you ever wanted to try karate? Not seriously. How often do you drink water? Ah yikes... I really fell out of my regular habit of drinking multiple bottles daily. Do you ever wear headbands? No. How many video games do you own? A lot. There's like a huge CD case in a living room drawer full of them. I've been considering making an EBay or something to sell a shitload of them as I'm sure a lot are actually pretty valuable now, but I think a lot about how I want to pass them down to my current and possibly future nieces and nephews when they get to a certain age to figure video games out or even have a console that can play PS1-PS3. Have you ever been to a casino? If so, which one(s)? No. What’s your favorite suburb in the city you live in? Why would you... name that on the Internet...? Besides that even, I pay no attention to suburbs' names I happen to pass. Have you ever visited a sex shop? No. I don't know if I could ever muster up the courage to even go in one. I'm the type that would just order online. What’s your favorite place to get pizza? I'm a basic Domino's bitch. How many times have you been to the beach? Multiple, but not a LOT. I have little reason to ever go, and it's never my idea, that's for sure. Has there ever been a fire inside your house? Tell me the story. Childhood home. Trying the Jiffy Pop popcorn that you make over the stove. Next thing y'know the thing is seriously on fire and we had to use the fire extinguisher. Fuck you, Jiffy Pop, the harbinger of the next fucking idiots moving in setting the entire house on fire thanks to the stove too. Have you ever had a scary encounter with a wild animal? No, besides like bees 'n the like being near me. Have you ever had a spray tan? No. Do you own any sports bras? Where’d you get them from? No, but I'd like at least one. Wouldn't know what to use it for, it's not like I go jogging or anything, but. I think it'd be good to have at least one. Have you ever had sex in a kitchen? No. What’s the most expensive restaurant you’ve ever eaten at? I have zero clu- no wait I'm gonna guess the Italian restaurant we went to on Sara's birthday, but that's just a guess judging by how it was fancy as fuck. Who crosses your mind the most? Sara. Have you ever been on a scavenger hunt? Probably as a kid. Ever been to an auction? No. would you ever get acupuncture? omg no Ever got stitches? At least twice. What is a must have on your french fries? At least some salt. Entirely saltless fries are boring. How do you like your meat cooked…medium rare? well done? Nothing less than medium well. If meat tastes even a little bit beneath lukewarm I can't take that shit. Are there two colors that you just simply despise? Bright yellow and puke-green. What do you usually do with recurring dreams? ... Nothing? What CAN you do? Have you ever been told you were hot by a complete stranger? I don't think someone has used the term "hot," but I know I've been called pretty, at least. Do you want to be single or with someone? I want to be with Sara. It kinda feels like we still are, like no feelings have changed, we're just not "official" anymore and not "bound" to one another. Have you ever had a sleepover with the opposite sex? I actually have twice (or thrice?) platonically with my younger neighbor FOREVER ago. We were still kids. Then there was a big (birthday?) party at my place where Juan stayed the night, and then I believe there was an occasion Girt totally knocked out on the couch so... I guess it turned into a "sleepover?" lmao Who are you closest to in your family? My mom. Who were the last 3 people to text you? Sara, Mom, and my sister. Have you ever dated someone in jail? No, and I wouldn't unless it was for something incredibly stupid or I'm aware was a false charge. What’s a movie you cannot BARE to ever watch again? Nothing's coming off the top of my head. Who got you hooked on the addiction you're addicted to (If you have one)? ... I just connected it all in my head. Jason got me into the Amnesia game. I got into custom stories for it. I was playing one one day. I got stuck. I YouTubed it for help. Guess. Who. I. Fuckin'. Found. This is a revelation; I have discovered the main purpose of my and Jason's relationship. Perhaps things do happen for a reason lmao. Are you a little bit cautious around horses? Do they scare you a bit? Not really, but I wouldn't say I'm in no way cautious. They definitely don't scare me, though. I just respect that they're very powerful animals and I'm not experienced with handling them. Have you ever burnt your tongue like REALLY bad? If so, what on? Yes, on rice that was literally right off the fucking stove lmao. LOOK I didn't know it had JUST come off and I was hungry as fuck but boy did I have REGRETS considering the burn lasted for well over a week, maybe two. Do you think having a sleepover with a guy is theoretically acceptable? Um, yes...????? Do you like to have cake on your birthday? Which kind of cake in mind? Yeah, and red velvet or chocolate frosted, depending on what I'm feeling.

#survey #quiz #questions #bored #random

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thatjwguy · 6 years

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Bullet For My Valentine - Tears don't fall (Lyrics)

Well, not really a better title for this sorta post... i personally have been making amends with my past and or present. This song indirectly says everything that i would like to say in this post to be honest. still i feel i should elaborate to some extent as to not leave people in the dark, i feel like that much is owed to the person who decides to read this post. so before we go further, just know im not a hardcore emo fan, just like this particular song since it speaks volumes to my current situation. Nothing against people who love this style, i see the appeal.

This is going to border on the lines of insanity but its really more of a spiritual issue. How shall i start this trip down my rabbit hole of weirdness. Lets go back 3 or so years ago. This is about the time i had my first breakdown, it was induced by weed but not the cause of it. I was already predisposed to this disorder from the get go, iv done some research on this already. Look up how marijuana does not cause symptoms of schizophrenia but that it can induce it depending upon the individual who uses the substance. just wanted to point these things out in case someone trys to label me a anti-pot advocate or something to that effect.

Im gonna lay this all out as clear as possible but without pointing fingers or making anyone feel bad. This was all my own doing, my mind took a break and decided to go on vacation. I was in this trance-like state for quite awhile after the initial break. I started to see hallucinations, visions, apparitions, hear voices and so on and so forth. Mental illness should never be taken lightly, neither do the spiritual elements to this world we currently live in. Sorry for leaving ya hang for a bit, i just feel these sorta things should be put up front so the reader has and idea of where im coming from. So, lets continue i promise not to go on too long of tangents, at least i hope not.

Three years is a while to be dealing with stuff like this, it takes a major toll on you as a person. People tend to shrug off stuff like this as if can be as simple as just flipping a switch, let me tell ya, nothing could be further from the truth. While i was in the midst of this mental delusion or breakdown i was also dabbling with the occult to some extent, well i was trying to expose things in the world related to the occult. I listened to people like Alex Jones and other truthers out there on the interwebs. Perhaps i had the break for a reason, since opening your eyes to the world around you really does have a deep impact on you as a human. I guess some people arent ready to be awakened to the matrix, i feel like i fit the bill for that one.

I was also deep into certain forms of entertainment, which may or may not be within the realm of the occult to some degree. I won't say they are, just that spiritually speaking, we are all exposed to this world, spiritual darkness/light does exist so we must come to terms with this idea right now. These forms of entertainment were that of heavy metal music, horror movies, video games etc. etc. So you could begin to see how this might play a role in someone's environment not being so healthy, not to mention genetic predispositions or trauma experienced during childhood. So no blame is being put anywhere here, just need to lay it all out there so people can fully understand what could possibly make situations worse for people suffering from these illnesses.

Again, i must apologize since i do babble, i am laying out the groundwork for how all of this happened and help others understand it better. So in this day we live in people believe in many ideologies. Too many to name right off but i will mention that i did try to do the New Age thing at one point during all this. Since the voices kept insisting this was some form of ascending or something to that effect. You hear terms like this often with New Age beliefs, ascended masters, 3rd eye-opening, gods/goddess, soulmates/twinflames. All sorts of interesting perspectives to the things that are actually happening. I say that since i come from a biblical background, i believe this is just a deception from the Devil, not some form of spiritual awakening (False Awakening).

I mention the twin flame thing since that seemed to be something they wanted me to know about, they wanted to lead me in a direction that i was somehow spiritually connected to people i was never actually connected to. I fell into a trap in my mind, thinking it was real and that i was somehow connected to celebrities or public figures iv never even met. Just cause my mind was gone, and also since with this belief, people do actually think they are all connected to one another universally or something like that. Like some sort of cosmic beehive that we are all apart of, we can tap into that only if we go through the ranks and reach Christ consciousness. Again i don't believe these things, its just what i see out there. I would encourage you to investigate this for yourself.

Everyone has the desire to know more about their existence, so thats what i was trying to do. To figure out where i came from or how everything came to be. The problem was my heart/mind was not in the right place. I was doing things for selfish reasons. I not only wanted to be apart of something more than myself, i also wanted to have things i could not have. So perhaps this was that outlet for me, to live out a fantasy of sorts but in a spiritual way since in reality, i knew something like this could not be. I wanted to believe i could connect with people on a conscious leavel, like a telephone call or something like that. With the new age, they say you can tap into that christ like consciousness and experience something along the lines of telepathy.

So, that's how i thought for a while, that the voices were like a telepathic line to some of these people. I fell in love with that idea until i found out it was a deception. Why wouldn't you want to believe you had some sort of ability to talk to people using only your mind. Since my heart was in the wrong place tho, i ended up abusing what i thought was power. I used it to try indirectly message people. Thinking i was actually talking to the people in my head, even though that was never the case. This is why i called it insanity in the beginning, you cant make this stuff up folks, i thought i was talking to people in my head in real life. Not only that but i also had lucid dreams involving those people. So in my reality, this was happening, no matter how you explained it to me.

This is how the trap was laid out for me, i fell for it hook line and sinker. I also developed an obsession with some of the celebrities associated with the voices in my head. Thinking they knew about all of it too, just not really coming right out and saying it since they don't want to damage their image or make things public you know. I mean really, who would come out and make something like this public, they would look pretty insane just like i am right now. So, let me be clear, iv had psych help and meds help me to come back to reality since all of this happened. I no longer believe any of this, i just think i had a really wild fantasy that turned out to be a spiritual and psychological problem.

As wild as it may appear, i think many out there do believe these sorta things. Look up youtube videos. People do believe they can have astral sex or spiritual sex with spirits or other people. So, im not that crazy for believing these things. Many people fall into these traps wanting to believe in something more, which isn't all bad, just misguided thats all. My main issue tho is that i was torn between two different women in my head, even more if i wanted to be completely honest with myself. I had talked myself into believing i was telepathically connected to women i would never have a chance with in real life. That they even wanted me at one point... yeah, pretty bizarre thinking pattern i know. So, kids dont do drugs or dabble in the occult cause you might get sucked into thinking you have godlike powers lol.

I suppose my heart was just torn on the people i admired or had a crush on, perhaps at one point i even considered polyamory as an option. I was so selfish in thinking i could have these things and never really stopping to think, well what do they think about this, or i don't even deserve this at all. Just the gull in that line of thinking alone is enough to make me almost hate myself for even trying to make these fantasy women love me, all of them. I was basically being a player in the spiritual sense. So, yeah, you can guess how all of that played out. Many fights inside my head about beliefs and even with the women in my head. You wanna know what insanity is, try having imaginary voices of pissed off women in your head every day for 3 years.

You may ask yourself, do i still hear them. Yes to some degree i do, but medications and therapy have helped me cope with all of this. Do i still love the people who are in my head, yes on a human level i still love them very much. Despite it all being just in my head, i just want them to be alright and know i was never trying to hurt them, just wanted to be loved by someone. Yes, it does appear to me that i needed to fix the wrong i had done, even if it was just in my head, the voices are still very real and do get mad when you act out or are a jerk, just like in real life. So i have used that as a tool to help me grow as a person, knowing we are all flawed and make mistakes. I needed to mend my mind and make peace with them. So this is also how im doing that, trying to make peace.

In the end i was completely off the deep end in all this thinking, now i must live with the choices iv made. Even if iv never really hurt anyone in the real world, i still need to make this right, just on a personal level. Also even in Gods eyes, this could be something very real to him, doing things of that nature. Imagine, people do actually do things of that nature in the real world, play games with people and make them feel like they are the only one. When i reality they are cheating around every corner with some other person, either just because or for other unknown reasons. Maybe they just never see eye to eye or people just want to live that rock n roll style life and bed multiple partners just for the sake of saying they did. For me tho, i really want just one woman, just one who i know will be there for me and will stick with me no matter how hard it gets, Even with my mental illness she sees im a good man, trying to make it work.

I know a woman like that still exists out there despite all the BS you hear from other men or even women for that matter. Perhaps i will find her in my faith, which is the thing Jehovah God would want, or maybe in the world. Some things are better left unknown. Just know that when the time is right, it will happen, not by force, but just because we are both ready to be in a committed relationship, not matter what gets in our way, we will have faith. Yes, this just turned into a post about me having women trouble, not entirely but yeah, i am pretty caught up in these things in my head so i must be honest with you. So now i guess you have a bit more insight into the way my mind works. Never again will i go into this much detail about my psych break. So consider yourself blessed or cursed with more knowledge of this random dude on the internet.

Im about done here, so thanks for dropping by to go down this deep pit of my mind. I love you for doing that, just for caring enough to sit through this long and drawn out post about a guy having women problems in his head, its much more than just that but yeah. That's just the overly simplified version of this mess so that i don't get people too confused. Even though im betting you stil are, even i find myself still questioning these things from time to time. Well, that about does it, i have to get going, the voices are telling me i need to go play the new spiderman game that just came out, yes it is very awesome, i would definitely recommend you try it.

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nostalgiaispeace · 3 years

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1943.

Disney Animated Theme Asks

Snow White & the Seven Dwarves: Which one of the seven dwarves are your favorite? sleepy. Pinocchio: How often do you lie? Why do you do it? no Dumbo: Have you ever been to the circus before? yes Bambi: Are deer your favorite forest animal? If not, which is? no. a fox is Cinderella: Have you ever broken your curfew when you were younger? What happened? i didn’t have one

Alice in Wonderland: What would you do if you fell down a rabbit hole? idk tbh Peter Pan: Are you all grown up? In which ways do you still remain child-like? yes. i still sleep with a stuffed animal and i still want my mom

Lady & the Tramp: Have you ever shared a piece of spaghetti with someone before? No. Sleeping Beauty: What’s the longest period of time you’ve ever slept for before? days 101 Dalmatians: Do you like Dalmatians? Which breed of dogs do you prefer, if any? no.corgis The Sword in the Stone: Have you ever tried your hand at jousting before? Nope. The Jungle Book: Have you ever wanted to visit a jungle before? No. The Aristocats: What is your favorite type of cat breed? all cats Robin Hood: Who is your trusty sidekick? my cat The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh: Who is your favorite character from Winnie-the-Pooh? idk The Rescuers: Have you ever been rescued before? From what? sure. myself The Fox and the Hound: Do you prefer foxes or hounds? Why? foxes because theyre cuter The Black Cauldron: Have you ever wanted to become a knight? No. The Great Mouse Detective: Have you ever wanted to become a detective before? yeah Oliver & Company: Have you ever seen a lost kitten before? What did you do? no

The Little Mermaid: Do you enjoy swimming? No. Beauty and the Beast: Have you ever fallen for someone unattractive before? no Aladdin: If you could be granted three wishes, what would they be? cant tell you or they won’t come true The Nightmare Before Christmas: Do you prefer Halloween or Christmas more? christmas The Lion King: Have you ever been tricked before? Yes. A Goofy Movie: What’s the most outlandish thing that you’ve ever promised a crush before? idk Pocahontas: Have you ever been in a relationship with someone who was in the army? No. Toy Story: What did your parents do with your toys once you got to be too old for them? Do you still have any toys from your childhood? she kept them. i have some The Hunchback of Notre Dame: How have you established your own independence? yes Hercules: Has there ever been a scenario in which you were a hero to someone? idk Mulan: Have you ever fought in a war or know someone that has? i know people A Bug’s Life: What’s your favorite bug/insect, and why? none Tarzan: What is something you’ve discovered about yourself? i’m capable of more than i think Atlantis: The Lost Empire: Where would you like to go exploring? england Monsters Inc: Have you ever scared children before? What did you do? yeah. lol. yelled at them Lilo & Stitch: Have you ever had an unusual pet before? What was it? i’ve had lizards Treasure Planet: If you could create a planet, what would you name it, and what would life be like there? idk Finding Nemo: Have you ever visited Australia before? Would you want to? Why or why not? no and not really.i just dont feel a need to Brother Bear: Have you ever gone hunting before? For what? No.

Teacher’s Pet: Have you ever wanted to be something you’re not? sure Home on the Range: Have you ever been to a farm or lived on a farm before? ive been to one The Incredibles: What would you like your superpower to be? Teleportation. Valiant: Have you ever been delivered a message via a homing pigeon? no Chicken Little: Have you ever had your reputation ruined? By whom? probably The Wild: Have you ever been to Africa before? Would you like to go? no and sure Cars: Have you ever watched races before? no Meet the Robinsons: What would you do/where would you go if you had a time machine? the 50s Ratatouille: Have you ever wanted to be a chef before? What would be your signature dish? uh no Wall-E: If you were able to build a robot, what would you want it to be able to do for you? clean Bolt: Have you ever gone cross-country? To where? no Up: What is one place that you’ve always wanted to go to that you haven’t had the opportunity to yet? england The Princess & the Frog: How many frogs did you need to kiss in order to find your current prince/princess? one Tangled: Have you ever spent your entire life somewhere, feeling as though you were unable to escape? no Mars Needs Moms: What would you do if you ever came face-to-face with a Martian? idk scream? Arjun: The Warrior Prince: Do you have any experience with archery? Are you any good at it? Nope. Brave: Would you consider yourself to be a brave person? Why or why not? sure. i mean i face fears daily Frankenweenie: Have you ever had to deal with the loss of a pet? yes Wreck-It Ralph: What is your favorite video game? Have you beat it? the last of us, yes Planes: Have you ever been in an airplane before? Where did you go? yes. NJ, FL, and Ohio Frozen: Do you prefer the ice and snow to other weather elements? sure Big Hero 6: Do you have anyone in your life who is your hero? Who is someone that you look up to? yes. Inside Out: Which emotion do you experience most frequently? overly tired The Good Dinosaur: What is your favorite type of dinosaur? raptor Zootopia: What is your favorite zoo animal? i hate the zoo Moana: Do you ever feel as though you’ve been cursed? sometimes Coco: What instrument would you like to learn how to play? piano Onward: If you could bring one person back to life and spend the day with them, who would it be? my cat Scarlet

#me #survey

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landoftheoutsiders · 6 years

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Day 3: Therapy Sessions

Wow. Guys. We have made it three whole days. I’m proud of us. And by us, I mean me. And by made it, I mean actually keeping up with this stream of conscious thing. I’m surprised that I haven’t completely given up on this thing yet. It’s actually, dare I say--fun. Lets see how long I can keep this thing going.

Today was fairly productive. Kind of. I went to class. That’s my definition of productive. I’m trash. Today we went over the three scenes that I’m not in, and then we had one volunteer blindly pick a story to portray as a monologue. They didn’t pick my story, but it was a very interesting metaphor that the guest professor had. Basically, it was that we need to realize that every character we portray in our career as an actor is a “real” story that is being told--its up to us to make their story come to life. I thought it was really insightful, and I think remembering that will help me in my career going forward while learning new characters and memorizing their stories. As for the rest of my day, I watched a movie, took a nap, and went to my last experiential group. That shit was bittersweet. I remember going to the treatment center literally counting down the days until I was discharged. Now? I don’t know... I looked forward to the groups. It was something fairly positive that was also productive in a safe environment. I guess I have the productive part with school--with my university being in the heart of downtown, I don’t think that safe really is the best word to describe the campus. It’s more dangerous at night, but lets be honest... with all the school shootings going around in our God forsaken country, I’d be naive to believe a campus is the safest place to be. People be crazy. Enough of the sappy shit. I actually am happy that tomorrow is my last day. I can’t keep spending $200+ on groups every week because of the community. I need to find that community in a cheaper place--preferably a free place lmao. I am, however, very excited to shell out my really good friend from our shared group. I believe that Mindfulness is actually the group where I first met her. Her name on here shall be Tree. Tree knows who she is. (She follows this blog because she “likes the way I write.” Me too, Tree. Me too). Jesus fucking christ, I ramble like a mother fucker. I can’t wait to read her shell out to her. It is going to be full of inside jokes, rent quotes, and sprinkled with heartfelt nuggets of emotion. It will be a shit show, and I’m looking forward to it. There are so many new people, and they are all going to be 100% done with both of us, but Tree and I have worked far too hard to make sure we shell out on the same day. We’ve been planning on breaking out together. Therapy today was a thing. I feel more vulnerable than usual. I need a name for my therapist. I guess we can call him Pink. Our ongoing joke while he was an intern at the center was that on Wednesdays, we’d wear pink. Out of maybe a month and half of him being my individual, we only actually both wore pink on Wednesday once. Honestly, he’s the best therapist I’ve ever had. So Pink was asking me the usual questions... how my restriction had been this week, if I had weighed myself, how my meals were going... and then he hit me with, “Why are we restricting? Is it because you’re forgetting to eat, or is it defiant?” Here’s how that conversation went: Me: Its honestly about 50/50 between the two. Pink: What is the thought behind the defiant restriction? Me: I’m not sure. Pink: It has to be something... usually its that “I want to lose weight... if I restrict, I’ll be stronger... etc.” Me: *long pause and deep fucking breath* I want to lose weight. Pink: Okay, so walk me through a day with your meals. Me: Well... I mean.. I wake up around 9:45, and go to work around 10:10... I’m hungry, but lunch is only a few hours away, so its not a big deal. Pink: Rian, that is t h r e e hours. Your body will be hungry again for lunch... Me: ... I just drink coffee... it helps... Pink: *visible frustration* I KNOW. I KNOW IT HELPS.

Ohhhhh the shit I put this poor man through. He really is helpful though. We also figured out tonight that right now I’m restricting because I want to feel more comfortable in my body. Which raised the question of where do I not feel comfortable. The answer to that would be my apartment. It feels so hostile there. I still need to explain that fuckshow to you guys. I’ll make that a separate post for length’s sake... we’re already getting pretty long with this post. Anywho, long story short, Pink wants me to talk to my roommate that I have issues with. She reached out to me earlier this week, and I honestly just don’t trust her motives. I think she’s finally realizing that she did something shitty, feels bad, wants to talk it out, and only wants to do so because she feels guilty. I genuinely think she is only trying to clear her conscious. Maybe I will talk to her. Simply just to explain why I haven’t moved back into our apartment since our falling out. I feel so unwanted, and regardless of the fact that I’m not really wanted in our apartment, I still have the right to be treated like a decent human being with emotions (no matter how emotionless I try to be). I did nothing wrong--nothing major anyways. Again, I’ll explain this in a different post if you want to know about that drama. My main concern is where I am going to be living come June 1st. I’m trying not to stress out because everything will work out for the best (hopefully), but I can’t help but catastrophize the situation and come to the conclusion that my stuff will end up in a storage unit and I’ll just live out of my car until I find roommates. All of this came up when Pink asked what I planned on doing in the meantime. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that I genuinely felt I’d end up homeless by summer, but its fine. Everything is fine. I guess I could always crash on my friend’s couch at the end of the day, but I really don’t want to add any stress to her and her boyfriend. With Crashy, I at least know its only him I’m bothering if I am in fact even bothering him. God, all of this is making me need a cigarette and its fucking freezing outside. Even Pink though was like, “well... you have found yourself in a pickle, haven’t you?” Why yes Pink. Yes I have. After group and therapy, I decided to go across the street to their res program to see a friend of mine. He tried to be real slick and say, “bye guys, I’m leaving and Rian is staying in my place.” The look of actual fear as if this scenario from hell was actually happening had to have been entertaining to the res staff lmao. I was talking to one of the ladies with my friend and we were talking about me leaving the day treatment center and she was like, “Oh you must be doing well with your eating disorder.” To which my response was obviously, “nope. Not even close. I’m just poor.” She had no comment for that one lol. My dark humour will hopefully take me places one day. Once I left my friend, I went to Taco Bell and had my usual three tacos with six mild sauces and watched the latest Shane Dawson video. Shane is queen. Fucking love that guy. This week he made Ryland wear a fat-suit for a day so Ryland could understand how Shane felt in his younger years when he was obese. It took a very real, dark turn very quickly--and thankfully it was after I had already eaten my tacos. Shane was mentioning how he remembered being so out of energy that he didn’t even want to move or talk the moment he sat on a couch. While I have never been obese, I have been severely underweight, and that isn’t any easier--I completely related, and then fell down a very dark rabbit hole of body image issues and how I have a love/hate relationship with my new body. I like having boobs and an great ass, but I also would do a n y t h i n g to have my old body back from my lowest weight. Not many people know that about me... they think I’m doing so great with my “recovery” and that I’m living it up in the city with my friends and modeling while trying to find freelance jobs with acting, filming, and editing. It just honestly made me want to take out the entire week’s worth of calories and just fucking starve myself until I got back into the 90s. I loved the way my body looked. The thinspo shit that I post? I looked like most of them. I miss that shit. I miss being envied for my body. I miss people asking me what I did to stay so thin (to which I always gave healthy advice). I miss being noticed the second I walked into a room--my old nurse says it was because I was scaring the hell out of everyone, but I like to think it was because they were like, “fuck... who is she.” There are so many things I miss about being that thin. Lets be honest here, it was never enough, because of course it will never be enough. Nothing will ever be enough for this god damned eating disorder... but I want to try. I guess its a good thing I’m still being weight monitored because there is no way in hell that Pink will let me get anywhere close to where I was without having to go back to iop. Hell... if I did it quick enough, he’d probably send me over to res and I could go party it up with my friend who is in res right now. Or he can come visit me for a change lmao. Anyways, rant over. I’m going to go drown my sorrows in The Office and cookie dough. Fuck eating disorders.

-- Rian Dianna

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nwvndo · 4 years

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12:45 PM

Wow. I haven’t been on here in forever. I miss tumblr being a thing. All these other social networks will ever quite be as great, in my opinion. I came here to look a fashion pics, maybe reblog some and get some inspo but of course I fell down a rabbit hole and ended up reading some of my old posts, and now here I am crying! Lol. I am one final and one (horrible) paper away from being at the halfway point to becoming a lawyer and I am MF TIRED. I woke up this morning very depressed and sad and not wanting to study or do anything tbh, but reading the post I wrote after graduation where I was hella struggling studying for the LSAT kind of re-motivated me just now. To update my invisible followers, I did end up taking a year off (LMAO) and I did feel like the ultimate failure bc of it (silently) but it ended up being the best decision I could’ve ever made, and I ended up getting accepted to a top 25 school. Thank you Jesus!!! I have also since competed in two state pageants and placed in the top 10 twice. I’ve made some new friends and have travelled to some amazing countries. My friends are getting married and starting families, and I am still with the same guy who I love v much. All in all, I have so much to be grateful for, so much. And it’s so wild to me. Sometimes I’m shocked I even made it this far, but through it all, these last two years have been crazy tough for me. While doing all those great things, I’ve felt isolated, depressed, lonely, sad af, unsure, anxious— literally all kinds of awful feelings, but somehow I’m still here. Right now, I’m not having the best day. I woke up this morning and cried and I’m taking the day to myself to just study and try to forget about all the external worries I have so I can focus and get through finals. Life is not easy at all rn, but I hope it will be worth it. I hate talking about my feelings to people in general (not all the time, but most times) because I almost always regret it after. Sure, it feels good temporarily, but more and more I just don’t think people understand me. They may relate to what I’m going through, or give me advice, but I don’t think anyone really gets IT if that makes sense. I try so hard not to think this way though because I know it’s negative and toxic, but judge away. I’m not perfect. I’m a work in progress. The good thing is, I realize what it is that is holding me back and making me feel so shitty, and I’d say about 90% of the time it’s me. CHILL TF OUT SIS! I constantly have to tell myself that it’s not that deep and to not take things so personally, also to hold myself accountable for my actions or lack thereof. But fuck it, I won’t take all the blame. The other 10% of the time, it’s other ppl. Why ppl gotta be so awful sometimes? And unnecessarily too. Andddd it’s ppl that are your “friends” lmao, WILD. But nah, it’s still semi my fault for even letting others make me sad by giving them power to have that type of effect on me. It’s not even necessarily overt shit that gets to me, it’s the underlying stuff that I always peep that grinds my gears. And it just hurts bc I keep it in and try not to talk about it so I can forget, but it always comes back up. Anyways, on a more positive note, it’s ironic I decided to open the app and read my last post today bc I am again (hopefully) in the same position— meaning I am about to start over and do something new! I have a GREAT opportunity that is soooo close I can taste it, but it’s not official yet. Regardless, I’m claiming it. It WILL be mine and I hope this next year is everything I could ever dream of and more. We boutta enter the roaring 20s bitches! I’m so stoked. We stan a new decade!! I pray nothing but good vibes upon anyone reading this and myself the next time I decide to log in! I hope I’m somewhere killin it by then lol. Anyways, this was nice. Getting all this out felt amazing, so I’m going to take some deep breaths, workout to release some energy, and finish this fucking paper before it becomes the death of me (the gag is, it already has🥴). Bye for now tumblr.

1:05 PM— 12/14/2019

xoxo Nwando💜

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just-keep-breathinggxx · 5 years

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ayyo whats up

I haven’t been feeling like posting daily recently soz. this past week has been a bit crazy for me. i’ve been logging on mfp of course tho. convenience in just logging weight and calories rather than my day’s events and emotions. the point of this is to see trends in my emotions and eating habits bc duh emotional eater here. ig starting where i left off. Monday my parents left for a 5-day hike, so i was left to my own devices for a while. Tues June 4 I was pre-occupied with trying to schedule my weekend and somehow still go to a twenty one pilots concert. I hit the 1200 cal limit (just over actually) mostly bc I had potato salad for dinner and chocolate chip cookie from wawa left over from the day before. Again, its all about convenience... maybe i should start meal prepping so its “grab n go” convenience all week. Anyway Wed June 5 I was able to snag top pit ticket for about $50 which is hella cheap (face value was $100) and sold my tix for the AC show (for below face value, but enough to pay for my other ticket). I was able to fast til the afternoon. Went to Sorrentino’s for a high fat Porkroll and Cheese sandwhich and got half a turkey and cheese sub for later. Also drank a sugar-free 8oz redbull on the way to newark and a bud light tall boy when i got there. Only ate half of my half sub so what that’s like 3 inch sub? quarter of a whole sub? Anyway my calories for Wed was under 1000. Thurs June 6 I woke up starving so ate the other half of my turkey sub for breakfast. I didnt eat again all day til like 7 pm. I really gotta stop going to wawa bc I always end up getting a milkshake and cookie with my sandwich (chicken bbq strip hoagie = 520 cal) which always sends me over 1200 cal. Didn’t eat the cookie though bc 16 oz milkshake is a struggle enough to finish on its own. all in all 1400 cal. Fri June 7 i did okay. Sometimes I dont feel hungry in the morning, and sometimes i’m ravenous when I wake up. Luckily it was the latter. I just had some coffee and did barn chores all morning. I ate the cookie for lunch though (convenience). I knew I had a busy day coming up on Saturday, so I went to Walmart last minute for a few things. Walked down the frozen dinners aisle cuz i knew I wouldnt have the time or energy for making dinner that night. Got one of those one serving Fit Bowls (Stouffer’s Beef with Brocolli). I hate how high in sodium they are though. I got Tollhouse cookie dough while I was there so I had cookies to bring to Jessie’s party the next day. ngl I had like a spoonful or two which is essentially a cookie or two in itself... Without the cookie dough Friday was 862 cal according to mfp. Sat June 8 I started out the day strong but mostly bc I knew I was gonna party moderately hard that night lol. Parents came home around 2am, which I had to let them in for. I had coffee when I got up later around 7 and went to Joe’s walkathon at Allaire. They had all kinds of snack foods spread out for the walkers. Sometime before we started, I had a small generic granola bar. After the walkathon I had to rush to get to Jessie’s new place for the housewarming party. Ya know, I never thought about how many calories are in beer let alone an IPA, otherwise I wouldve stuck to something lighter. Picked up a 6 pack of Dogfish Head cuz I couldnt find any Long Trails. Idk If I had the whole thing or not (blacked out around 4/5 beers lol). Hey, dont judge I literally only ate a tiny granola bar and a hotdog when I got there and im already a light-weight. I also couldnt pass up the cookies I made when I walked past them from the bathroom lol. I remember having two and mentally telling myself no more. Yesterday Sun June 9, I woke up kinda hungover. Dad asked if I wanted something from Sorrentino’s and i knew a Porkroll and cheese would help my hangover. Mom ditched to flipflop the longtrail again. I felt like shit from what I’d been putting in my body this past week and sorta fell down an *d rabbit hole on youtube and was sorta influenced to fast. So, yesterday, that was all I had. Lots of coffee and a breakfast sandwich. 637 cal. Today Mon June 10, Dad asked if I wanted to go to Sorrentino’s for breakfast. Tbh I woke up simultaneously straving and nauseous (hmm wonder why lol). So I agreed but instead of something heavy and carb loaded, I did the “no carb” platter. Scrambled eggs and bacon, hold the homefries and toast. I think if I do get hungry later today, I’d just have some tea and be good. Hopefully my dad won’t invite me to dinner with him and Susan later. My weight has been fluctuating around 145-147. Also forgot how much clothing can weigh ( about 2 lbs) bc I weighed myself in just my bra and underwear at 144.3 lbs after breakfast. Problem is, its my parents scale in their bathroom so normally when they’re not in I just dash in there (no shoes of course, but still clothed) and weigh myself. So, I put my clothes back on and weighed in at 146.3 lbs. Week average of 145.8 lbs. Honestly not complaining too much cuz that’s still down 3.2 lbs since I started two weeks ago. If i keep fasting and maybe doing omad I can get below 140 a few weeks.

#daily #food mention #long post #more like weekly lol

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