#i never did say i stopped having anxiety and depression or that i got better

[x-liv25-jamieswife]

YAYY!! Reqs are open again! I know you’ve already done something similar but can you do maybe some hcs of Graysons mental if that makes sense (like anxiety, depression, schizophrenia) only if you feel comfortable ofc <3

sad grayson head canons pt. 2

of course! i wont be talking about schizophrenia though bc i don't know enough about it and i don't feel comfortable talking about smth knowing i might be writing things that are completely inaccurate and that might offend/hurt some people. i apologize if these suck or if this is really short. when i made this post, i had just found out someone in my family was in the hospital and i wrote these to distract me so idk how good they'll be. not all of these will be on anxiety and depression btw. tw for suicidal thoughts. hope you still like them <3.

when he swims at night, the pool tends to be very cold bc its the one of the only things that makes him forgot about everything that is making him anxious. if he can't swim, he takes cold showers.

although it might not look like it, he gets very anxious and overwhelmed in situations where there are a lot of people. he overthinks everything he says to them, wonders if his suit looks nice enough/if he's presentable, if he's making a good impression, and has trouble focusing when there are so many people he has to talk too. he's very good at hiding it though so you would never guess (like i said, multiple people, if its just one person it doesn't matter to him)

like i said in my last hc, he gets anxious when talking to many people. i want to add that usually, its not usually himself that makes himself anxious but emily talking in his head telling him he's doing smth wrong. basically, if it weren't for emily, he wouldn't be anxious talking to so many people. idk if this one makes sense.

one of the reasons he wears suits is bc it makes him feel put together when he feels like a mess in his head. he always looks so flawless which makes people think he's fine.

he went through a period of time when he was younger where he couldn't get out of bed to go to school/do his school work which ig seems ooc, but we're talking about young grayson here, not the put together version of him we know. he hated himself so bad he didn't think it was worth living anymore and thought that there was no point in working if he wasn't going to live long enough to get a career/become an adult. also, another reason was bc he felt sm pressure to be the best that he kind of just gave up. tobias got mad at him and thought he was overreacting. he did get better thanks to his brothers, enough for him to start doing his school work again and start handling the pressure he was under.

he's very self-conscious about his appearance. by this i don't mean looking put together, i mean sometimes he'll look in the mirror and think he's gained weight which makes him workout more/swim. its not that he finds himself ugly, he just doesn't want people to notice and think something's wrong/he's going through something when he obviously is (cause in his head, if he doesn't always look the same, people will think smth's wrong/he's loosing control but thats just not true).

he used to have bad acne growing up and it really affected his confidence. he used to try to cover it up with concealer but no matter what he did it was always visible. it ended up going away but he hates looking at old pictures of himself cause he hates seeing it. it caused him really bad anxiety in public bc he thought people were judging him.

sometimes, people will try to talk to him but he won't hear them bc he can't stop stressing over all of the things he has to do and is stuck in his head. people have to repeat what they're saying and and shake him to get him out of spiraling.

grayson tried to stop taking his anti depressants when he was younger cause he was sure he didn't need them. he realized not long after that he couldn't just stop and that they were actually helping him.

after he realized they were helping him, he started to wonder why he couldn't be 'normal' like his other brothers (at the time, he didn't know his brothers were also struggling with their own issues)

to handle his anxiety when he was younger, he would punch a punching bag. this was before he learned how to handle his anger and stuff. he only allowed himself to lose control when doing this.

his room and office have to be clean at all times. if it isn't, it causes him even more anxiety. it makes him feel messy and not in control.

his grand father used to tell him that hawthornes don't have mental illnesses and that he's overreacting (stupid ass grand father). it made grayson feel like he wasn't good enough.

after avery almost died during the bombing, he considered offing himself bc he didn't think he was worth it. he let one of the people he cares most about almost die, and the guilt was nearly too much for him.

grayson used to feel like he shouldn't be struggling the way he is bc of all of the opportunities and money he has. he felt like his feelings weren't valid, and that others had it worse. he tought he had no reason to feel as crappy as he did and that made him hate himself/think there was smth wrong with him. it only made him feel more depressed.

sometimes, he'd go on the rooftop of the house to get some air, see the height and the deadly fall, and consider jumping off. he used to think everyone was better off without him and that he'd be doing everyone a favor by offing himself.

in my first sad grayson post, i said that he owns a teddy bear nash gave him. he'll never admit it, but when he feels really anxious and like his world is crumbling down, he cuddles with it. it's one of the only things that actually helps him calm down. it also helps when he has a panic attack, he grabs it and holds it against his chest to relax (it also helps him sleep). the only one who knows about all of this is nash.

his anxiety tends to get worse during the winter cause he can't swim in the outdoor pool. its one of his most effective coping mechanisms. swimming in their indoor pool isn't the same according to him.

he used to hate christmas bc people would get him gifts he didn't think he deserved. he loved the gifts he'd receive but thought that people shouldn't be spending their money on him and that others were more worthy.

he used to see a therapist on and off for a while (in secret) when he was younger but would always end up stopping after his grandfather found out and told him he was wasting the therapist's time. he finally starts seeing a therapist consistently in his mid-20s (so after tgg and stuff).

#the inheritance games #grayson hawthorne #jameson hawthorne #avery grambs #nash hawthorne #xander hawthorne

[baxterstockmanisthecenterfold]

old follower from when you were Baxterstockmanismyson, why'd you delete your old blog? What made you come back?

I pretty much explained why here

But to some it up basically, I was just sick of the harassment & constant hateful responses my friends & I Myself would receive almost daily because of the most simple opinions.

Hell I actually remember this one time I was making a rant about 2012 Stockman's character mishandling & I brought up the Rise turtles for 2 seconds & even made a stupid joke about how I'm surprised no one accused the 2012 ones of racial profiling & this one user took it so seriously they harassed me & my followers the rest of the day

I also can't help but find this bit from them ironic considering they could have did the exact same thing with my post & followers.

This isn't even a one time thing too. As I just said. The fandom would just take EVERYTHING too seriously & attack anybody that disagreed with them in any shape or form & a lot of my best friends at the time were victims of cyberbullying because of them including me. Yes I could have ignored them, & most days I did tbh, but every once in a while there was always that one miserable person that just wanted to PERSONALIZE their attacks to me just because I said I didn't like Apriltello or something & they made their insults PERSONAL, to the point where I couldn't help but NOT ignore it. I already suffer from Anxiety and Depression & EXTREMELY low self esteem to the point where I second guess my talents. From my art to my appearance to even questioning why I still exist. If I should even STILL exist.. At that point in 2021 when I deactivated Baxterstockmanismyson I had already been going through enough stressful situations in my life, worrying about a ton of real life personal stresses in my life. And the unnecessary bullying from the fandom consisting of grown ass adults mind you was the last thing I needed. I had actually received yet another hateful message in my askbox because of one of my hot takes the day before I deactivated & it honestly fucked me up majorly so it was the last straw. I deactivated & I overall QUIT & Left the fandom entirely ever since, I just didn't see the point in staying anymore when there's little to zero good memories in it.

I would be lying if I didn't say I did miss some aspects. The one thing I missed the most being Baxter himself. Any version of him. Especially considering he's actually the entire reason I even got into TMNT in the first place (but a story for another time). He's beyond my favorite character, he's my comfort one, my boy ever since I was 12. Then Mutant Mayhem was announced along with the fact that Baxter was in it (& played by FUCKING Giancarlo Esposito) my interest was peaked to say the least. Especially after I found out he looked like this

I'd even say it was honestly the only reason why I saw the movie (even if he was only in it for 4 minutes) which I admit even outside of Baxter, I did end up enjoying it. It was also nice to talk about tmnt again to my Girlfriend & a once mutual friend at the time. Just making it our own personal bubble having zero contact with the fans, especially as I saw literally NOTHING changed just by people's reactions to Mutant Mayhem April smfh. So I assumed it was the right choice.

Another year went by. Things are different once again, that mutual friend I mentioned earlier is...no longer our friend.. and it was back to radio silence in terms of anything turtle related. I had started collecting figures at this point in time & with the release of Human 1987 Baxter & Mirage on the way, I figured it wouldn't hurt to FINALLY add Baxter to my shelf like I always wanted to years ago. Even finally start making custom figures for him that don't exist & it was a fun, exhausting but also therapeutic experience in a way. Especially getting the chance to finally look back at the mad scientist all the way from day one. From schulpting, to talking about him & even looking up other perspectives on him. Even if it was mostly misconceptions like always when it comes to him. And it got to the point where I wanted to let out an outlet to just really let out Stockman talk & facts about the guy that no one knew or already did but with a story behind it. Even taking inspiration from AskSpideypool's @ sciderman & their blog being the most dedicated blog to really get & understand Wade Wilson & Peter Parker with pages worth of history to back up the knowledge. It's honestly how I feel with Baxter Stockman if I'm being legit with you. So about maybe 3 months later or so, I decided to create this new blog, a new start. A blog to just really share & show all I know about Baxter & even find other people that feel the same way. Just a little Baxter bubble that I can have & feel safe in. It's also why you noticed I haven't shared NON Baxter stuff on here yet. To put it short. I'm not really back in the TMNT fandom. Sure I'll post about Baxter Stockman. But that's the ONLY thing I'll go as far as posting. I wasn't too far off when I said I only watched MM for Stockman & the fact that the fandom hasn't changed their ways based on MM April's reception.

I want absolutely nothing to do with the fandom's drama or possible drama the second I step into current TMNT events & I share my thoughts on them even if I had thoughts anyway, I honestly don't really care anymore aside from Baxter.

To sum it up: Unless it involves Baxter, I genuinely don't give a shit. So a heads up if I'm ever asked about something non Stock related like my thoughts on this video game or this ship ect I'm gonna ignore it. I just don't have the mental strength for the drama anymore. And it's not like the fandom itself even cares about Baxter let alone care enough to get mad over a hot take about him which I've yet to see (aside from some 30/40 something year old idiots on Instagram & Twitter that genuinely believed he was always a white guy & him being black is new) so I feel safe in my Stockbubble.

Anyway, hope that clears things up. Both why I left & how this new blog works.

#i admit i still feel anxious keeping THIS blog up #still nervous one pos is just gonna send some kind of drama #i never did say i stopped having anxiety and depression or that i got better #I'm actually still struggling with it especially recently #baxter is honestly one of the few things thats helped me through it #as cheesy as it sounds but it is true #he just means that much to me #eli rambles #ask #tmnt #teenage mutant ninja turtles #2012 #rise of the tmnt #rottmnt #baxter stockman #mutant mayhem #tw cyberbullying

[yoohyeon]

My parents love to tell to go see a professional more than actually listened to me

#‘’You never talk to us!’’ #i actually did a million time and was said to either get over it or life is life you don’t have a choice #oh wow you are so right this is making me feel so much better ! #….. #the fact that it’s mostly my mom saying that I don’t ever tell her anything when I spent so many days telling her what’s wrong with me #but she keep telling me I don’t tell her either she thinks my problems are problems are she dosen’t care and try to act like she does #she literally told me to stop arguing with her cause it’s her weekend off and she dosen’t wanna deal with this #so her having a free day is more important than my mental health got it #also the fact that she knows more than my dad cause one of the thing making me depress would need me to come out to my dad and I’m not doing #that* #also i am doing something that adhd test also have other section for other things including depression and anxiety the two things #they keep telling me to check but I don’t have any money to actually see someone neither do they #wtf they want me to do getting a diagnostic won’t help me i will just be able to put a name to it #I love them to death but they are so close emotionally sometimes it’s horrible #I get that my dad was like that cause my grandparents were zero affectionate so they probably act the same way to him #but my mom ?!?! who had the most loving parents and family ?!?! I don’t get how much she’s egoistical when it comes to emotion #idk how to express myself but I’m so tired of this #alex.txt #tw negative #tw negativity

[samkerrworshipper]

beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful girl

leah williamson x reader, jordan nobbs x reader (wobbs as coparents)

reconciliation … the final part in this series x

2 months later:

“My name is y/n Williamson-Nobbs, and I am an addict.”

There are things you appreciate nowadays, more then you did before. Fresh air, the flowers blooming in spring, a strong coffee, smiles from strangers, a warm bed, hugs, being told you are enough, a classic movie, the sun, fruit, water, being clean.

“I didn’t ever take drugs to hurt anybody, or hurt anybody knowingly. I didn’t take drugs to have fun, or party, I didn’t get addicted because I liked it.”

You like taking your dog on walks, going and getting your hair done, floating in the ocean, lying in grass, being sober.

“I took drugs because it made me feel whole. I’ve never felt whole in my entire life, everyday in my life I’ve used something to patch that hole up, during my childhood I tried to fix every single problem, I fixed myself by fixing everybody else in my life, my mom, my non existent dad. As I got older it changed, I seeked validation to patch the hole, it was healthy, but I think I’ve always been an addict and I always will be. I’ve been addicted to filling that hole, it was disguised as being healthy for most of my life until I switched the validation for drugs.”

You don’t avoid peoples eye contact as you walk along the street anymore, you don’t avoid your moms, you don’t lie to people anymore, you don’t put yourself in danger.

“It started with nicotine, because my mom enabled it. I think she was more scared for me then anything. I was spiralling, who wouldn’t be in this day and age? I mean any parent of a teen must be terrified in this day and age, I know I would be. The nicotine was good, but then I got introduced to weed, and it felt like every problem I’ve ever had was fixed.”

You talk about your feelings now, you identify every single thing that you feel and you talk about it with as much detail as your moms and therapist want to hear. You don’t study the different chemicals entering your body every time you shoot up anymore, you study the intricacy and meaning of what you are going through. You take medicine for your depression and anxiety, not drugs for your hopelessness.

“They say weed is the pipeline drug, it’s true. After weed, I felt on top of the world and there was no stopping me. Molly, LSD, coke, heroin, benzos, fentanyl, ketamine, oxy, speed, and eventually meth, which I now know to be the worst of all of them. I didn’t know it at the time, there wasn’t anybody in my life, or in the life I’d created forn myself that was willing to tell me how dangerous what I was doing was.”

Jordan moved back in, whilst you were in rehab. It had been two weeks, that’s what you agreed to. It was the worst two weeks of your life without any doubt. But when you were picked up, both your moms were there, both of them were there for you. They both took time off, time off to take you away, across to France for a week.

“Meth will always be the thing that destroyed my life. My parents don’t trust me anymore, I get why. I lashed out, I became devoid of everything, I was convinced that everybody hated me, and that I was the cause of everybody’s pain, including my own. I convinced myself that the people who loved me the very most didn’t, and that I was the bomb that had torn all of my relationships in my life apart. I was a kid though, I still am, and I’m trying to be better.”

The trust was a hard thing. Your therapist saw Leah and Jordan twice a week, and that was when they would discuss the things that they could start reintroducing you to. School was a no, for now. You were yet to be permitted to stay at the house, alone, for longer then an hour, so every training session, gym session, appointment, media duty, catch up with friends, you were dragged to. It had been tough in the beginning, but you understood, trust had to be earnt. Every week there was something to look forward to, Jordan had been teaching you to drive after you’d gotten out of rehab, and as of a week ago you were permitted to drive yourself to and from your NA meetings.

“Meth made me feel like I was on top of the world, even though i was at my rock bottom. I had bad friends, I fell into a bad group of people, people who took advantage of the fact that I was so vulnerable and hurt. I’ll never forgive them for that, I’ll never be able to forgive them for taking advantage of a girl nearly ten years younger then them. They were hurting too, but that doesn’t excuse manipulating another person. They hurt me, they enabled me, they assaulted me, they took things from me that I’ll never get back.”

The first thing your mothers had wanted when after you’d come clean to them about everything was for you to get a rape kit. You’d outright refused, you were protecting the people, you didn’t want to relive what had happened to you but also a part of you didn’t want Matt and Maya to go down, even if you could now recognise that they’d done unforgivable things to you. Eventually, you agreed to it. You were glad you did, Matt had passed on chlamydia to you, which you thought was some kind of sick joke, that even after he’d deserted you there was still parts of him that were hurting you from the insides. Karma came in the form of a sexual assault report, one which had the policemen heading to his home to arresst him, only to finds thousands of dollars worth of illicit substances.

“I’m not proud of what I did to get a fix, I don’t think any recovering addict is. A couple of months ago I would have ruined every single relationship I had with all of the people I loved just to get a hit of what I was craving, and nowadays I would probably do the same, but I don’t need to. Meth was the love of my life, I think it always will be, or maybe the craving for something to fill me up is what I crave, I don’t really know, I’m still working everyday to try and figure that out.”

Sometimes, as you drove home at night, around every corner towards the house, you considered taking a stop at a side street, one that you knew a dealer would be sitting on. Somedays, you considered driving the car off of the highway and into a tree. Somedays, you considered taking a blade to your throat so you didn’t have to do rehab. Somedays though, you felt so incredibly blessed to be alive. Sometimes, you would sit outside, in the sun and just feel, allow yourself to feel everything that you’d always pushed down out of fear that you’d be deserted if you let any true emotion show.

“We’re all human, we all have the same dignity, no matter who we are. I made some stupid choices, choices that I won’t ever be able to reckon with, choices that for the rest of my life will haunt me. Don’t we all though? Don’t we all lie awake at night worrying about the things that we’ve done, that are out of our control now?”

You’d come to not fear desertion, the people who you’d hated most in the world but also loved most in the world had deserted you. Your parents had deserted you, you closest friends, people you would have considered your found family, deserted you. It was something you had no control over, something that you would never have control over and focusing all of your energy on trying to fix that had become something that you’d give up on.

“I’m not perfect, I never have been, I never will be. I can guarantee though that nobody in this room feels like they are perfect. We’re all hurt people, everybody has something that they keep hidden from people because they are scared that somehow it is going to make people see them differently. I’m guilty of it, my whole life i’ve been hiding, I still am. I’m not ashamed to admit that coming here every night terrifies me, that somebody I’ve known at some stage of my life will walk through the same doors I do and I’ll be put face to face with that, but it’s life. We all make our own mistakes, we all pave our own ways.”

Leah and Jordan still fought, you were secretly glad. It was clear that everything between them was done, which you hated to be happy about, You weren’t ready for that to be back to normal, you weren’t ready to feel like you were able to go back to the way life was when they were together. Lia mediated them, she balanced everything out and the two of you had managed to build a relationship. She was like the older sister you’d never had and you were happier to have her around knowing that she was happy to support you in the same way your moms would, even if she wasn’t living in the same house as you all anymore.

“I will never be able to properly apologise for how I acted, I’ll never be able to repay the people that found me at my lowest and still showed uo for me. I owe my life to those people, and I will spend every single day of my life being so thankful for the opportunity they have given me to have a second chance.”

Life was better, everything was better, you were recovering, you were learning. You felt more connected and loved by the people around you in your whole life. You didn’t feel like you had to seek out love anymore, you didn’t feel like you had to do something to earn it. Leah spent every minute of everyday doing small things to make you feel loved, dragging you out of the house to get coffee with her, reading with you every night before bed, sitting through you when the cravings were making your day harder, driving you to the beach when you felt like you needed fresh air, dragging you to physio appointments so you could hang out with your aunties, buying you fresh flowers to put in your room to make the dark memories of it a little bit nicer, helping you redecorate the space, letting you sleep in her bed when the tendencies started to burn all over your skin.

“I have a disease, I have a terminal illness that will forever impair my ability to live life normally. I will forever be attached to my past, and that’s really tough, I won’t ever be cured of my past, I won’t ever be able to say that I am free of my addiction, I will forever be tied to my decisions.”

Your therapist was helping you weed out all the bad, helping you to identify the different patterns of self destructive behaviour that you chose, helping you to make better decisions for yourself, decisions that didn’t end in you destroying everything you’d worked for.

“I’m an addict, we all are, we all know what it feels like to be plagued with our past. We all get up here every week and speak about our demons, because we all get it. We get what it feels like to lose everything, we all understand the terror that crosses over a persons face when you overdose, or tell them that you’re using, or when they wake up across from your hospital bed. We’re all going through our own shit, we’re all struggling everyday. I struggle everyday, because I’m an addict, for the rest of my life I will struggle because I’m an addict, but there isn’t anybody who understands me better than all of you. I’ve been sober for two months, there have been relapses, there have been struggles, there has been pain and so much for me to be ashamed of. There has been so many positives though, there has been so much good, so much happiness, so many good moments. I don’t believe that everything happens for a reason, there is too much bad in this world for me to believe in that, but I do believe that this experience has made me a better person, it’s made me stronger, its made me more resilient. The past two months have been some of the best parts of my life, and i intend for the rest of my life to be the same. This chip means a lot to me, but it’s the progress that makes all of this better, knowing that I’ve left parts of me behind that will now stay behind me forever.”

You looked down at the chip in your hands, the little bronzey coin that was so small but felt like it was bigger then the world to you. You smiled at the group of people around you, nodding your head once again before walking towards you sponsor and giving them a hug. It felt good, like a big weight had been lifted from your shoulders. You’d never spoken much in meetings, you were more than happy to hear other peoples stories, but tonight had been special to you. You’d thought about what you were going to say, much of it being what you’d talked about with your moms earlier in the week during family therapy. It had been hard, talking to your moms so openly about how you felt, but it was something you were becoming better at as the days passed.

You stayed around for the coffee and biscuits, talking with the people that you’d grown close to over the past month and a half in the mildewy church which smelt a little bit too similar to your great grandmothers living room.

You stuck around until the first few people started to trail out, before you made the decision it was time to get home. You said your goodbyes, farewelling your friends before dismissing yourself and making the walk out to the carpark, towards Leah’s car.

Driving had become your one piece of real freedom, it was the only time where you got to think to yourself. A couple of months ago, you would have found solace in continuous loneliness, you would have sat in the car for hours and been happy. Now though, you found yourself navigating your way back home as fast as possible, whilst still abiding by road rules.

The gravel driveway underneath the wheels of a car used to make you nervous, if anything it now made you feel anticipation.

You jumped from the car with a hop in your step, the bronze chip still clutched in your palm, the metal now warm against your skin after the acclimation of the metal to your body temperature.

You used your key to enter the door, smiling at the warmth and scent that you were met with as you untied your shoes and left them by the front door.

Leah was waiting for you in the kitchen, she always was, every night you decided to go to a meeting. You knew that she still worried, that she spent nights awake worrying about you. You’d lost count of how many times on the nights you spent in your own bed how often she’d come to check to make sure you were still lying there. She probably always would worry, you wouldn’t blame her if she did, you’d put her through a lot.

She brought you into a hug, the same hug as every night, it always lasted for a little bit too long, but you never brought it up.

She would hug you tighter every single time, it was clockwork.

“Lia’s come over for dinner, she’s cooked spaghetti for everybody, but she made bangers and mash for you special, no pasta.”

You smiled at your mom, letting her press a chaste kiss to your forehead before you followed her into the dining room, where dinner was already plated up and Jordan and Lia were already seated at the table.

Jordan sent a smile your way as you sat down, things were still rocky between the two of you, it was never going to be perfect, it was never going to be as good as before, but you were both doing the work to heal bits of it and that was what mattered.

“Hey bubba, how was your meeting?”

Most nights you answered the same, with something simple.

“Good, I got this today.”

You pushed the chip onto the table, pulling your phone out of your pocket so you didn’t have to witness their raw reactions.

“Bubba, we’ve talked about this, no phones at the table.”

You frowned, pushing your phone back into your trackpant pocket, and looking up at your moms.

“This is awesome bubba, we’re both so proud of you.”

Jordan had picked up the coin, looking at it with glazed eyes.

There had been a lot of that since you’d come out of rehab, a lot of crying, a lot more than you were comfortable with.

“I want you to keep it.”

Jordan looked up at you, mildly confused.

“Bubba, it’s your token, your progress, your hardwork, you should keep it.”

You shook your head.

“Mom has my one month one, I want you to keep this one. I’m doing it for you two, I’m trying to be better for you two, and I want you to know that I’m committed to it and that without you guys I wouldn’t be able to do this.”

You could see tears pooling in Leah’s eyes from the other side of the table, jordan’s own ones beginning to drip down her face.

“Anyways, it’s not big deal, let’s have dinner, I’m sure whatever Lia cooked up is better than anything you and mom could have managed.”

You tried to pass it off with some lighthearted humour, but based off of the tears on your parents face, it wasn’t doing much.

Jordan and Leah both reached over, taking a hand in each of yours.

“You know that no matter what happens, no matter where you go, who you become, what you do, how you live your life, you will always be our beautiful girl.”

#woso #woso community #sammykworshipper thoughts #leah williamson #arsenal wfc #leah williamson x reader #leah williamson is mom #leah makes me cry #leah williamson fic #jordan and leah #leah williamson imagine #jordan nobbs x reader #jordan nobbs #woso imagine #woso fanfics #woso appreciation #sammykworshipperfics

[drea-ms]

SMOKED CIGARETTES AND EMPTY BEER BOTTLES. GETO SUGURU

げとうすぐる. Please don't try to kiss me on the sidewalk, On your cigarette break. I can't afford to love someone, not the way we loved each other.

warnings. heavy angst. no happy ending. hurt NO comfort at all. major character death. suicide mentions. depression and anxiety. mentions of smoking and drinking. toxic situationship. right person not enough time trope. canon complient? haibara lives tho so 🤷‍♀️. slight mention of suguru x oc (nakamura kyouko) but it's not mentioned or deep enough. sugu n reader r NAWT okay. not proofread, but when has my shit never not been proofread? grammar mistakes. inspired by xanny by billie eilish.

masterlist. next

A six pack box of beer, (the sweet ones, you never like the bitter taste of beer.) the sunset looking as beautiful as ever, and you sitting on the rooftop, a cigarette you stole from shoko in your hand (You didn't smoke. You used it as to have something your hands could play with). Life as a traumatized jujutsu student couldn't get better than this. Hell, you wished you could've gone back to the time before your fight with him. You knew you couldn't stop him, you knew you both weren't good for each other, but that's what made it work for you and Suguru. At least you thought it did.

Leading to the weeks before the fight, was the death of Riko. You knew she was somewhat close to Suguru, like a little sister. He told you about her, it was sweet that he had a sister like figure. Then after her death was the almost death of Haibara. You knew something was up that day, so you headed to where Yu was clearing a mission and saved his life, the only consequence was the fact that you were hurt more than him. He got upset, you understood him. But at the same time you didn't.

You understood that he liked to smoke, and you didn't. You understood that you liked drinking more than smoking, and he didn't. Complete opposites, yet fit each other so well.

Your mother told you it was best for you to get a therapist (one that knows about jujutsu.) so that they could help you. (it worked for a bit, but can you fix what was already broken?) Later, you got diagnosed with Anxiety, they told you to take medication for it, you did. (You never liked taking pills. After the incident with an old friend you couldn't handle them.) All of this was never told to Suguru. Not like he would care, right?

Why would you tell him? it's not like the two of you were dating, if anything, he was more interested in her. (You wouldn't blame him, Nakamura Kyouko was a beauty.) Why would it bother him that you don't tell him anything? Why does he get jealous when other guys flirt with you? why does he act like your boyfriend when he isn't? You don't understand Geto Suguru.

He has her. But why does he always keep coming back to you?

Then there was the fight, the one between you and him. The one where he couldn't hold back and tell you everything he thought of you. You weren't even sure what started the the fight, but you were sure that you lost the moment he brought up how useless you were, he was comparing you to how she could do better then you. (Why did Suguru bring her up? Kyouko made sure that she didn't have a thing with Suguru, that instead she wasn't ready for a relationship at all. You couldn't blame her. not when he was right.)

"Do you understand what I'm saying? you're weak, [name]. You always have been! Why can't you get that through your thick skull?! You put others before yourself. You don't even have a grade level! You're useless in the jujutsu world. What more do you want to know?! Huh?" you see even sure if he was yelling or not, to inside your mind to figure it out.

"There's a reason as to why, Geto. There's a god damn reason as to why I don't have a grade level as a jujutsu sorcerer. You wanna know why Suguru? Huh?! You wanna know why the ever loving fuck I don't have a grade level like the rest of you all?! Because as of the time I'm living and willy be living, I am considered a threat to the jujutsu world. My technique hasn't been used since eons! No one is sure when my technique is ready, no one knows when I'll lose control and kill everything single fucking living think I come across of. Get through your thick fucking skull Geto." tears starting coming out of you, harsh. You didn't want to cry infront of him. Because if you did, the he would've known that he won the argument. So you did what you've done best.

You left.

Now that you think about it, you missed it when it was just you and him, with no care in the world, where you were still in a complicated relationship with him. Where the only argument you had with him that was serious was when he kissed you with him smelling like cigarettes.

"C'mon Sugu, don't kiss me on the side walk! Everyone's gonna see and it's crowded here!" you would pout at him, which made him weak in the knees

"[nickname], it's my only break I have where—" "Where you can smoke, yadayada, just... don't smoke and then kiss me?" you ask, lips kissing his nose.

"Of course," he smiled at you, you smiled back.

You missed those days.

Now that you were out of your head, the alcohol making you dizzy, and looking at the sunset, you realized that you weren't cut out to be part of this hell. After leaving the fight with Suguru, you avoided him and then avoiding going to school altogether, you started going to therapy more often (it helped i little, then it didn't, you were later diagnosed with depression. Yay.) then dropping out of therapy after.

You knew that, what you were doing was the better option for everyone and yourself. You wrote letters to everyone in jujutsu high (including the higher ups, but you just cursed them out and told them that in the next life you would kill them with your own hands.) and You left your dorm at night, opting to to stay at an inn under a different name. You wrote two letters to Suguru that night. Only heading back to the school dorms to leave them on his door.

Now standing up in the rooftop, you decided to turn around, not facing the sunset, not looking down at how high the building you broke into was, instead, you closed your eyes and fell backwards.

With not one care in the world.

(NOTICE FROM THE JUJUTSU HEADQUARTERS; [lastname] [firstname], the unregistered grade sorcerer is no longer a threat. please get rid of any file related to her.)

NOTES ; half of my blog is literally angst related. i can NEVER write happy and fluffy things, except for saiki..... i love writing angst like alot idk i think while listening to music and then boom angst idea! anyways, please tell me if you enjoy this price i wrote this one lil an hour, also send reqs in my ask box!! i'm bored!!!

#🌙 — val writes #jujutsu kaisen #jjk #jjk x reader #jujutsu kaisen x reader #geto suguru #jjk geto #jjk suguru #geto x reader #getou suguru x reader #suguru x reader #geto angst #jjk angst

[torturedtraveler]

dear univeristy application office,

Listen, I know I've been rejected and this personal statement is not going to mean anything. But I feel like writing it, as a reflection of the past few months.

With what happened in middle school, I got diagnosed with depression and anxiety and transferred schools. I started dating a friend but broke up shortly after. One day he jumped from our school building and passed away (he had bipolar), it felt like a slap across my face and from then on, I gave up on myself.

I stopped showing up to class consistently and socializing. Until one day in Form 6, I realized, I didn't understand any of the things my teachers were saying in class and I would have my IB exams in less than a year. I couldn't catch up, I couldn't do it. Again, I was impulsive and have always been so I decided to just quit IB and start A-Levels. Fast forward a few months, I found out that I still couldn't do it, because of my mental health, I couldn't pull through, and in the midst of it, my grandpa passed away. These all piled up on me again and I had to quit, again. I took one A-Level and IELTS and decided to apply for associate degree programs. I chose translation originally because I am fluent in both English and Chinese and I have always wanted to do something related to languages. However, something shifted in me one day, I applied to the same colleges but instead, in Psychology.

I went through what I would call "hell" in those 5-6 years in secondary, I struggled every day with mental health, with depression, with anxiety, and I wanted to do something in the future that could help kids like me. In fact, XX College gave me a conditional offer but unfortunately, my academic qualifications did not meet their requirements (probably because I didn't graduate from a secondary school) just like how I didn't meet your requirements and am not what you wanted. Fortunately, my current College accepted me for my qualifications and there I started my tertiary education.

The school year started off great and strong. I was attending classes every day, socializing with my classmates, handing in assignments, all these things I NEVER managed to do consistently in high school.

My family and friends were shocked about the transformation. I was actually working hard in school.

Hey, I know a 3.26 GPA might have not been the best and you were probably expecting something higher, but that wasn't what mattered, what mattered was, I changed. I started taking my academics seriously, even through hard days, when I felt tired and depressed (occasionally), I showed up to class and did my work, and I made friends, which again, was shocking considering I developed social anxiety after I was bullied in high school for my ex-boyfriends' suicide.

However, my anxiety got worse near the end of the first semester and I had to postpone my final requirements, nonetheless, I finished them at the start of semester B.

I don't know what went wrong from there, but it was obvious that my mental health was getting bad again because I wasn't showing up to class and I wasn't paying attention in class. Though I was still handing in assignments and working hard on them, I wasn't showing up to class consistently. I only acknowledged the decline of my mental health at the start of March, when I started isolating myself again and stopped talking to my mom, who has always been my best friend. Fast forward to my second mid-term test, I thought I would feel less pressured after finishing it, but nope, it only went downhill from there. I didn't show up to class for 2 consecutive weeks. My mom was asking me if I was okay, and my friends were asking me why I wasn't showing up to class. I repeatedly reassured them I was fine, I just needed some time off for myself, but in reality, I was only trying to reassure myself that I was fine because I refused to admit that I was having a relapse. I didn't want to accept it, I was doing so fine for so long, I was getting so much better, and everyone was praising me for it, what could go wrong? Well, reality sucks, and sometimes, depression creeps its way back into your life with no apparent reason.

April was when things got really bad, depression was presenting itself in physical ways. I caught a cold, and it got better after 3 days, but then I had abdominal pain, which escalated to stomachache. It was one of the worst physical pain I have ever felt in my life, I had a low fever and I could not stand up, my mom wanted to call the ambulance and get me to the hospital but I refused because I knew I had to wait to see the doctor and my pain would just worsen. I saw a doctor the next day and he informed me that it was gastroenteritis. I had to stay home for a few days because I was still in some level of pain. I was forced to put down my academics for a while. Aphthous ulcer found its way to my mouth later (and I actually still do have it at the current moment), and now I can't even have a proper meal without being in pain.

The physical symptoms weren't the worst part. Do you know that feeling of working on an assignment one day in an empty room in the school library on a Saturday afternoon, listening to jazz and making good progress, and all of a sudden you stared at a blank wall and started bawling your eyes out? That's what happened to me. I experienced that consecutively for a week. Just completely random moments in life, you were feeling fine the last second, and the next, you were crying for your dear life.

I was in the shower once and suicidal thoughts consumed my mind, I was bombarded with all the ways I could end my life, jumping off a building, hanging myself, cutting myself, etc. I felt despairful, worthless, exhausted, all the worst emotions you could possibly think of, and was just ready. Ready for me to leave because I had no worth, I wasn't showing up to class and it was reflected in my grades. I mustered up the strength to call in my mom because for a split second there I still wanted to hold on, I didn't want to give up just quite yet.

All these were happening, because I had so much pressure on my shoulders, that I imposed on myself, to get a high GPA, to get into a prestigious university in my city, to get into XX Univeristy. I didn't want to spend 2 years in community college and wanted to ascend to university as fast as I could.

I received your university's rejection yesterday, and let me tell you, yesterday was an awful day. To start with, rains flooded the streets near my school campus, even under an umbrella I was drenched, from head to bottom. I arrived on campus completely soaked, with water in my shoes. At that point, I was already depressed (bad weather could seriously affect your mood), nonetheless, I told myself "It was a bad experience, but that will not dictate your day, you still have a full day ahead of you", so I mustered a smile on my face and went straight to class. I was chatting with friends as it was the last class and we were all just doing revisions. I went to the library shortly after.

I wasn't as productive as I wanted to be because 1) I wasn't motivated and 2) Depression can really interfere with your daily life functioning, for example, doing work. I didn't get as much done as I wanted to so I decided, maybe it was time to go home.

I took the train, I bought myself dinner, I grabbed the mail, I went home. I sat down, with my dinner in front of me, and opened up the application portal on my laptop.

The word "unsuccessful" was under my application status and into my eyes.

I kid you not, I felt like my life had ended right there. Everything that I had worked so hard for, all the pressure I had imposed on myself to get a high GPA, to get into a prestigious university, and the high hopes that I had, all faded in one single moment.

I called my mom screaming and crying, shouting into the phone about how miserable I was, I was in so much pain. I couldn't think straight and my mom reassured me that she was on her way home. She arrived, grabbed a chair, and sat next to me.

Essentially our conversation went on for about 45 minutes, and I remember distinctly, one of the things she said was, "So? That's it?". It was a wake-up call for me.

All this time, the amount of pressure I've put on myself, the sleepless nights I've had to experience, the physical symptoms, the mental symptoms, etc. All because of one number that I ignorantly thought would dictate my future. I lost sight of what I originally did this for. In working towards getting into university to get a degree where I could help people, I ironically forgot to help myself. I lost sight of what was important in the current moment, my priority is not yet to help others struggling with mental health, it's me, I'm struggling with my mental health, I am my priority. I neglected my mental health and what I truly needed, it wasn't grades, it was self-love. Caring for myself, listening to my needs, attending to myself, and acknowledging that I was struggling.

It's okay to relapse. It's okay to know that you need help. It's okay that you're depressed again even if you thought you didn't have depression anymore. It's okay that it's near finals season but you're mentally struggling, maybe you need to postpone again, and that's okay. Do you know why? Because we're humans, and it's okay to not be okay.

All these years of struggling, I haven't done much with my life and I desperately wanted to prove to myself and everyone else, that for once, I could do something, I am capable of something. I wanted to get into a university, a prestigious one, the top in my city, to redeem myself. Because my sister got into a good university, and my friends from high school got into good universities. I NEED to prove to people that I am not dumber than them, just because I wasted a few years in secondary school doesn't mean I am less smart than them. I can still get into university.

I am just as good. Not because of good grades or whether I am in a good university or not though. I am a good person because I have a good heart, I care for everyone around me deeply and I'm always there for them even if I'm struggling. I am a good person because I have a passion, I want to work hard to achieve my passion and help people professionally. I am a good person because I have hobbies, I have things I enjoy doing and I do my best to advance my skills, and to work hard to achieve small goals in life.

I am a good person because I haven't given up on myself yet. 6 years of depression and anxiety, and countless times standing on a ledge, wanting to jump but convincing myself not to.

Because my ultimate goal in life is to be happy, I know there will be bad days and bad experiences, some days might feel like the end of the world (just like yesterday), but some would feel like I'm floating on cloud 9. That doesn't equal a bad life. And I'm learning to accept that.

I want to be surrounded by people I love, loving them back in the same way so they know they're not alone because they were there for me when I was at my lowest. I am the happiest when I'm loving, I'm giving, and when I'm learning. Psychology is something I'm passionate about, not the GPA system. What I should do in the current moment is to learn, enjoy the process, and work hard to show my teachers, and myself, that I have done my best with what I've learned.

Thank you for your rejection. Your wake-up call. If it weren't for this, I wouldn't have realized what I was doing wrong this whole time and I probably would've stayed in that same position for a while. I'm taking it day by day now, and I'm getting better, and that's what truly matters.

My deepest gratitude for reviewing my application and considering it. Also for reading this if you have.

Thank you, I truly, deeply, appreciate it.

Warmest regards

#university #rejection #college #psychology #letters #poetry

[teyammybeloved]

KISS IT BETTER !

miguel o’hara

PLEASE READ AN, ITS VERY IMPORTANT TO THIS STORY

summary: reader has never been good at talking about emotions, always dealing with the guilt and feeling as if a burden so it often leads to pushing people away… but miguel wants to know.

warnings: mentions of mental health, mentions of depression and depressive episodes, pushing away, self sabotage etc

I HATE the end of this, it was so rushed im so sorry

an/ i want to start a series where i write different characters comforting readers or characters with certain mental illnesses because i know a lot of people don’t get that sort of comfort and recognition and i know theres a lot that isn’t talked about and i really want to bring awareness to it. this touches on a few topics but im happy to write individual works, and they can be about any character.

this

PLEASE if there is anything you want to see written about in this series send me a message and tell me whatever it is, and any certain details you want included. it would be so so deeply appreciated.

the kiss was soft, so soft you wouldn’t have felt it if you weren’t already half awake, despite your eyes being closed. you knew it was miguel, leaving for work.

you could feel the way he lingered in the door way after whispering that he loved you. you could almost sense the worry in his posture, not even having to look at him.

you stay still, eyes closed. it was early, you had no reason to be awake, yet you were. you waited until you heard the front door close to open your eyes and stir in your position on the bed.

you missed miguel, you were asleep when he got home, from late hours, and you were asleep when he left in the morning. you no longer visited him at the HQ like you use to, purely just not having the energy to even leave the bed most days.

it seemed as if every moment, that should shine in golden colours, had been replaced by grey. the days blended together, you couldn’t remember what day it was or what time it was.

you held it well though, the house was always cleaned by the time miguel got home, his food was ready in the fridge, for when he got home. he had no idea about the constant overwhelming fear of day to day life.

you wanted to tell him, but he was dealing with so much as it was, and the last thing you wanted to do was put more pressure on him then necessary. you grew up in a house hold where talking and showing your feelings was seen as weak, and it had just stuck with you.

it wasn’t that you didn’t trust miguel, you did, more then anything. but you didn’t think it was important, of course you had gone through things like this before, you could get through it.

the day went on, eventually you got out of bed, showering, no matter how shit you felt, you’d shower, if it was just you there, you probably wouldn’t but there was that fear that if miguel saw how bad you were effected by this, he would leave.

the house didn’t need to be cleaned, miguel had cleaned his dish when he finished eating. it was late noon, miguel wouldn’t be home till later, but you preferred ered to cook earlier so you could go back to bed and wallow in self deprecation.

halfway through cooking, just basic spaghetti bolognaise, you heard keys, the front door. you furrow your eyebrows, wondering who it could be since miguel wasn’t supposed to be home till later.

until you heard his voice.

“amor, i got off early” he yelled out, you squeeze your eyes shut, as he yells out your name, eventually finding you in the kitchen, body turned to face the stove where you were making the meat.

“baby- it’s early. why are you cooking so early” he asked, walking up to stand next to you. you just shrug, not saying anything. your mind now linking with your stomach, a bubble of anxiety filling it.

“hey- talk to me” miguel said, grabbing your wrist to stop you from mixing, which was just an excuse to avoid the conversation- he knew you.

“wanted to get it done so i could finish cleaning” you mutter, miguel looks around at the already spotless house. “baby- its clean already”

you just shrug, still not looking at him. he turns the stove off. “miguel” you sigh. you were burnt out, completely burnt out, tired of everything lately, waking up, everything being so repetitive.

“talk to me” he says, his tone wasn’t quite begging yet, but wasn’t demanding either. “what am i meant to talk to you about” you run a hand through your hair as you walk away from the stove, leaning against the counter.

“whats going on with you” he says, tilting his head softly, you squint your eyes. “nothing, miguel” you say.

“obviously it’s something, its like i haven’t see you awake in days, you don’t come to the hq, the house has been spotless lately, which is a massive indication of something being up since you only clean when you’re stressed, just talk to me”

you feel anger, but you aren’t angry, youre so insanely tired and drained that everything is just pissing you off. “can you just drop it, oh my gosh” you say, leaning off of the counter to walk away, miguel only follows.

“i just want to help you, baby.”

you audibly groan. “god!! miguel you’re a superhero, you help people who are being attacked or are in danger!”

“i think you are in danger” he says softly. you scoff, miguel doesn’t take it to heart. he knows something is up, and he knows its bad. you aren’t one to yell or get angry like this.

you cant really explain how your feeling besides wanting to smash your head into a brick wall.

“miguel, can you just leave it alone!”

you walk away this time, miguel doesn’t follow. he runs a hand through his hair, beating himself up on the way he approached the situation.

you sigh as you walk into the bathroom, locking the door behind you, you slide down against it, pulling your knees to your chest, guilt eating you alive at how you reacted.

you hated how your hurt always came out in anger, it was like you had no control over it. this is why you just deal with it alone.

you don’t realise you’re crying until you open your mouth to take a shakey breath, the taste of salt filling your mouth from your tears. you know miguel deserves an explanation, he deserves better.

you want to be better, but you have never been close to anybody like you are with miguel.

its insanely scary, the fear he will leave if he finds out how truely fucked you are.

you didn’t know how to cope with having people close to you, and having people who genuinely care, it had always been a challenge to open to.

you run your hands over your face as you hear a soft knock on the door, “princessa.” miguel says softly, probably the softest you’ve ever heard him talk.

you stay silent on the other side. “you don’t have to talk to me about it, and im sorry i pushed, i just care” miguel said, you could tell he had his head against the door, because of how close his voice was.

“just come out” he says softly. you pause for a moment as you hear the slight crack in his voice, you were shocked that he hadn’t already left, your outburst was embarrassing and you shouldn’t have taken it out on him like that.

you shuffle, miguel hears it, then he hears the click of the lock, he steps back as you open the door.

“im sorry”

“im sorry”

you smile softly as you and miguel talk at the same time, “i am sorry, i shouldn’t take my feelings out on you.” you say softly.

he shakes his head, opening his arms, you shuffle towards him, letting his arms wrap around you tightly. “just want to make sure you’re okay, baby”

you frown, “im sorry-“

“i know baby, ive noticed” he cuts you off, he could sense you didn’t want to talk about everything that was going on, but he wanted you to know he was there.

“im going to have tomorrow off, an us day. lets lay in bed and cuddle all day, do whatever you need to do,” he says.

you look up at him.

“thank you”

“course, cuddles and kisses can almost fix anything” miguel says softly, kissing your forehead.

“not dead, kisses wont fix dead” you say, smiling up at him from his arms.

“yeah, but you aren’t dead, so i can kiss you till youre all better”

#miguel x you #miguel x y/n #spiderverse miguel #miguel smut #miguel 2099 #miguel ohara #miguel spiderverse #miguel x reader #miguel spiderman #atsv miguel #miguel fanart #miguel o’hara x reader #miguel o’hara x y/n #miguel o’hara fluff

[michelleleewise]

🌹Her Romeo🌹

Pairing: Avenger Loki x insecure! Female reader

Warnings: crying, anxiety, depression, Thor and Val being mvp's, I think that's it.....we're still in the angst but we're getting there.....

Summary: Val tries to talk sense into you while Thor surprises you....

A/n-graphics by @harlequin-hangout

Part Four -- Part Five-

Val walked to the kitchen, pouring a cup of coffee hearing you come down the stairs, looking up as you walked into the kitchen "morning, what are your plans today?" Val asked sipping her coffee "Well, I have work and....that's it." You said grabbing a mug from the cabinet. "Have you talked to Loki yet?" Val asked seeing your jaw clench "no, I haven't." You said sighing "y/n, it's been two days, don't you think...." you turned cutting her off "Val, I have thought about it, and I can't." You said sipping your coffee "your not even gonna hear him out? Two years and that's it?" Val asked crossing her arms. "Look, I know your just trying to help me, but I'll be fine....I always am." You said slipping your coat on.

"Besides, he'll be happier too." You said grabbing your purse "and what makes you think that?" Val asked following you to the door. "Because...I'm not what he wants." You said opening the door "y/n, that's not true and you know it." Val said grabbing your shoulder "Val it's fine, I'll see you tonight." You said quickly leaving before she could say anything else. Val sighed, heading back to the kitchen she picked up her phone, scrolling through her contacts until she found the one she needed. Her thumb hovered over his name, knowing you would be upset if you found out but something wasn't adding up. She took a deep breath, pressing the green button she held it up to her ear listened to it ring.

"Hello? Y/n?" She heard Loki's panicked voice through the speaker "no loki, it's val." She said hearing him sigh "apologies, I did not look at the screen." He said shakely "it's fine, listen I need to talk to you for a minute." She said "I am sorry but I can't right now, i need to be available if y/n calls." He said. Swearing she heard a sniffle she sighed "Loki, I know what happened, well what y/n told me." She said hearing silence on the other end "now I know you and I don't know eachother super well, but I love y/n and I know you do too." She continued "so, I want to hear your side." She said sitting on the couch. "Listen, Valerie I do not..." Loki started before going silent again "I'm not going to say anything, I'm just going to listen." Val said hearing him sigh "very well, but first tell me...have you spoken to her? Is she safe?" He asked "yes, she's ok...well as ok as can be expected." Val replied

"Good, I'm glad to hear she is safe. I haven't heard from her since..." he trailed off "Loki, I'm gonna be honest she is not planning on coming back." Val said "w..what do you mean?" Loki asked, his voice cracking in the speaker "let's just start with what happened and go from there." She listened as Loki recanted everything that had happened in the last month, the constant rehearsals, the days spent at that woman's house, the way you acted when he got home until he got to the end "ok, so what exactly happened the other night when the shit hit the fan?" Val asked leaning forward "well, I was in my dressing room, preparing to take y/n to dinner, I had a surprise for her and my nerves were a bit on edge." He said with a sad laugh.

"Samantha came in congratulating me when things suddenly changed." He said taking a deep breath "she started telling me I deserved better then y/n, and that she would treat me better, but Valerie I swear to you I did not do anything untoward." Loki said sternly "I turned down her advances but she lunged at me, kissing me before I could stop her when y/n walked in and...well you know the rest." He sighed. "I see, so you didn't..." Val trailed off "absolutely not!" Loki snapped making Val jump "apologies, no I did not. I would never do such a thing to my love. I was actually..." loki trailed off sniffling "you where what?" Val asked "at dinner, I was going to propose. I love y/n more then I have ever loved anyone. But from what you are telling me I've lost my opportunity." Loki said shakely

"let me talk to her, I'll see what I can do but Loki...I don't know. You know how stubborn she is." Val said hearing him laugh "I know it well." He said "Valerie, I cannot tell you how sorry I am for all of this." Loki said, sadness laced in his voice "Well, if I know y/n she tends to clam up when she's upset." Val said sighing "which doesn't help anything, the stubborn mule." She laughed hearing him laugh "will you do something for me Valerie?" Loki asked "if things don't work out, will you look after her, keep an eye on her?" Loki asks shakely "try not to think like that, I'll be in touch." Val said rubbing her eyes "Alright, thank you Valerie." He said "your welcome Loki" She said, pulling the phone away hanging up. She sat back with a deep sigh "now how am I going to do this?" She said to herself leaning her head on the back of the couch.

Thor stood outside your apartment, shifting back and forth before knocking hearing shuffling on the other side when Loki opened the door "Brother, what are you doing here?" Loki asked glaring at him "y/n asked me to come by and grab a few of her things." Thor said quietly seeing Loki step aside letting him in. "She did not wish to come?" Loki asked walking to the couch "she thought this would be easier." Thor said as Loki sat down. Thor took in his appearance, his hair matted and unkempt, his eyes bloodshot and his skin blotchy "Loki I must ask, did you.." Thor started when Loki's blank stare met his "no, I did not." Loki huffed sitting back. "She manipulated me, I had my suspicions but I did not see it in time." Loki explained seeing Thor nod. "Well, I will grab her things and be on my way." Thor said seeing Loki look up at him before turning his head towards the window.

Walking into the bedroom he grabbed the suitcase y/n told him about, going through the room he grabbed what clothes were hers when he spotted a picture of the two of them on the nightstand. He recognized it as last years Christmas party. You were in a deep green dress, him in his black suit as you stood under a mistletoe. Thor was the one who took the picture just as they kissed. He peeked out into the living room seeing Loki hadn't moved before he walked over grabbing the frame and placing it gently under some of the clothes before zipping it up and returning to the living room.

"She really isn't coming back is she?" Loki whispered barely loud enough to hear "I do not know, all I know is that she is hurt and trying to decide what to do." Thor said standing awkwardly in the middle of the room. "But I must get these things to her, I will call you later." Thor said walking towards the door "Thor.." loki called out making him turn "will you...could you tell her I love her.." loki asked leaning forward "please.." he finished fidgeting with his fingers "I will." Thor said seeing Loki look down "and I do hope you two can work through this, you are good for eachother, I will do what I can to help." Thor said seeing Loki nod as he walked to the door.

He walked out to his car, placing the suitcase in the trunk he got in and headed towards the tower. He racked his brain trying to think of what he could do to help, but he was honeslty at a loss. You were stubborn and insistent of what happened, and by the looks of Loki he had given up. He sighed, parking the car before grabbing your bag heading up to your office. "Y/n, here are the things you asked for." He said walking in "Thank you Thor, I appreciate it." You said stuffing the bag under your desk. "May I ask a question?" Thor asked leaning on your desk "sure, what's up?" You asked looking up at him "what is your plan? Will you be speaking with Loki?" He asked "I don't know yet. After everything I just...I can't see him right now." You said looking down.

"Well, he wanted me to tell you he loves you." Thor said seeing you sigh "until next week maybe." You huffed turning around "y/n, may I be honest for a moment?" Thor asked crossing his arms "I have known my brother for a century, and then some." He laughed leaning back "he is tricky, sarcastic, egotistical and in his youth quite the ladies man." Thor said shaking his head "and that's supposed to make me feel better?" You asked glaring at him "my point is, I have watched him go through partners as one would through tissues." Thor said looking at you "but you...you have stirred something inside him i have never seen before." He said making you furrow your eyebrows. "You see, satisfaction is not in his nature, he never kept anyone more then maybe two nights before they were replaced by another, but you my dear have held his heart for two years." He said.

"I have seen the way he looks at you, heard how he speaks of you, you are everything to him. You make him want to be better." Thor said watching you nod "you don't have to decide anything right now, just think of what I said, and I am here if you need me." Thor said standing up "Thank you Thor, I appreciate it." You said seeing him nod as he walked out of your office closing the door behind him. You turned your computer off, sliding the suitcase from under your desk you set it on top, opening it you shifted your clothes making sure Thor grabbed what you needed when your hand hit something hard "what the.." you trailed off, pulling it out seeing the picture that had resided on your nightstand. You remember the night like it was yesterday, the way Loki wouldn't leave your side, clinging to you like he was afraid you would get lost.

You ran your fingers over the glass, a teardrop landing on it pulling you out of your thoughts "Thor, you big sap." You laughed sadly putting the frame back in the suitcase wiping your face. You zipped it up looking at your phone, your heart screaming to call him, go see him but your mind jumped in reminding you why you couldn't. You grabbed your things locking your office you headed to the car park and back to Val's house.

"Hey, how was your day?" Val asked as you walked through the door "fine, how about you?" You asked setting your bag down hanging your coat up "oh you know...the life of an architect." She said laughing "soooo exciting...What's that?" She asked pointing at the suitcase "I asked Thor to go grab some things for me." You said hearing her sigh "don't start, i...I can't see him right now." You said grabbing the bag "y/n, you need to stop being so stubborn and talk to him." Val said sternly "so are you my friend or his?" You snapped glaring at her "both of yours, that's why I'm trying to help." Val said crossing her arms "Well maybe you shouldn't! I just....I'm going to bed." You snapped walking to the stairs.

"Y/n, you need to deal with this, you can't keep running from it." Val said making her stop. "I am dealing with it, I just...j need some space." You sighed heading up the stairs. Val shook her head walking to the kitchen grabbing her phone, pulling the number up she glanced at the stairs before pressing the button "Hey..yeah its me, look I have a plan. It may be crazy but what's life without a little crazy." She said laughing "so this is what your going to do..."

@vbecker10 @mochie85 @lokisgoodgirl @springdandelixn @kinky-faerie @xorpsbane @midnights-ramblings @simping-for-marvel @holdmytesseract @kkdvkyya @slpnbty2001 @lokixryss @vane28282 @violethaze @coldnique @aniar4wniak @nate-ate-hate @buttercupcookies-blog @brattymum96 @dukes2581 @your-taste-on-my-lips @mybabyh @blog-the-lilly @irishhappiness @sinsandguilt @filthyhiddles @lovebyloki @kikster606 @javagirl328 @misunderstoodself @highkeysimpingforloki @eleniblue @commanding-officer @athalialaufeyson @stupidthoughtsinwriting @lokiandbuckysdoll @loopsisloops @joyful-enchantress @jaidenhawke @silverfire475 @high-functioning-lokipath @kittiowolf210 @slytherclaw1227 @joyfullymassivewhispers @wolfsmom1 @libbybeaz @lokikissesmyforehead @goblingirlsarah @thomase1

#loki #loki imagine #loki fanfiction #loki fanfic #loki angst #loki x reader #loki x you #loki x y/n #loki x female reader #loki x f!reader #loki odinson imagine #loki odinson #loki odinson fanfic #loki odinson x you #loki odinson fanfiction #loki odinson x reader #loki odinson x y/n #loki odinson x female reader #loki odinson angst #loki laufeyson #loki laufeyson fanfiction #loki laufeyson fanfic #loki laufeyson imagine #loki laufeyson x female reader #loki laufeyson x reader #loki laufeyson x you #loki laufeyson x y/n #loki laufeyson angst #loki au #loki and you

[got-ticket-to-ride]

Wanted to know your thoughts on this, but for what I've reading on John it really looks to me he really got worse post Paul and post Beatles, like his saddest songs match the moment he started to have issues with Paul, he wasn't really having much contact with anyone outside Yoko, he wasn't doing much music, he wasn't being that funny either, he even died without being able to fully overcome his heroine addiction (addiction that started in the Beatles fall out right?), and idk i believe his involvement in the whole peace/art movement looked more like an escape (like some people do with religion) than actual interest.

So what you think, was John at his worst after he got out the band and cut his relationship with Paul or was it was always like that?

Hello @lord-pain

thank you for this ask! I hope I'll make sense. I think the White Album was definitely the start of John's "sad songs". Happiness is a Warm Gun, Yer Blues. Subsequently, Dig a Pony sounded so desperate to me and Because which is yeah, post India, post breakup?

There's so many different accounts during that period. Some narrators might be unreliable because you never know who these "historians/journalist/"acquaintances" have their allegiance to.

During the 70s it was said that John was miserable, became a violent drunk (who believed in astrology). He was quite unhappy with how things turned out in his life due to his choices but he was too proud to admit it.

About drugs, Fred Seaman said John stopped with heroin in the last half of the 70s in this video.

Due to differing accounts that are out there, I just concentrate on John, what he wrote lyrically and how clearheaded he was during his last interview. He was trying to be better. I think that is the most important detail despite everything that went down. Also the part where he was going to work with Ringo and had booked a studio with Paul for January 1981.

His activism was partly a distraction for him. Beatle John dabbled in it, but he became very aggressive about politics after the break up. He was anti-religion when he released Imagine (1971). But went back to believing in god when he wrote "Grow Old With Me" (1979?), which I have so much thoughts about but I haven't even had the courage to voice out.

While there are glimpses of John's mental anxiety visible in his song "Help!" (1965)

"Help me if you can, I'm feeling down, and I do appreciate you being 'round",

he was trying to be positive about it as seen in "Strawberry Fields Forever" (1966):

"It's getting hard to be someone but it all works out, It doesn't matter much to me".

And was still holding on during the conception of "Across the Universe" (in February 1968) with his mantra:

"Nothing's gonna change my world",

which I think might've been a result of Paul's engagement in December 1967 to Jane.

Across the Universe (February 1968) > believer God (1970) > anti-religion Imagine (1971) > anti-religion (he made a satire song which I did not include here) Grow Old With Me (1979) > believer

During his alleged break from music from 1975, he was still making home demos and was writing Skywriting by Word of Mouth.

I think John and Paul being apart was just not good for them. The general opinion was that Paul left John and had moved on. (I don't believe that's true). It was John who made the decision to leave, it was this push and pull thing, and Paul continued to reach out to him (and we don't know what happened during all those times they've met up). Some accounts say that John was practically begging for a reunion but then again Paul never stopped reaching out to John (see 1976) so I personally think, regardless of all these details that are out in the open, there is still a missing piece we have not considered yet and that can only be told by Paul himself.

To summarize it, John probably had depression (since his teenage years) but Paul was a constant positive thing in his life that he needed and that had helped him through it, "the girl who came to stay" until something happened...

John Lennon was definitely at his worst without his buddies by his side in the 70s.

#Asks #John Lennon #Mclennon #John and Paul #Lyrics #Paul Mccartney #The Beatles #would love to hear your thoughts too! #gttr-beatles

[lotusmi]

my success, my failures

honest post about my current life and thoughts on void 💌

Hi angels, this my most personal post and I don't know why, i felt like posting this. This is going to be an honest long post about my loa journey, void journey and whatever how my life went after I realized I was in control.

At first point I would like to recall: I am not a void state blog, I am not a void "master" (I am not assuming this, In 4d I sure AM!). My blog is more about LOA, the Neville Goddard Law, the Edward Art Law. The simple, beautiful Law that I felt in love with. I like the void state method, I have entered it a few times, I'll be talking on this in a while, first I'll tell my story until here on how I left the worst circumstances...

As I was someone like most of people are, I thought I was not the operant power. I have known the law of attraction for 7 years, and I belived I had to "beg" the "universe" to give me things, I would write letters to the "universe" asking for my desires, then I would try to have "good energy", write down million of affirmations in future tense and then wait in hope to be "deserving" of them.

As time passed by, I yes, had manifested some things with this law of attraction thing, but I never changed my state, my mindset, I did not even knew what was those stuff, I would still let myself imagine bad things happening to me, I felt unwanted, ugly, unlucky, with no freedom. I had also lots of limiting beliefs, had to drink water to subs work, listen to then million times, be deserving, be positive, afirm without saying "no/never" etc.

Things were getting worse, I felt always more unwanted, different, unlucky, inferior, all of that. My life was getting shitty, I would imagine me having fights with my parents, me crying, I would see myself as an victim of the world, and I stopped even trying to have optimism and using law of attraction, i literally gave up. At this point I had lost my faith, so I lived all my days complaining and begging God, universe, deities to "save me". In this phase I suffered like never, I was super depressed, my home was toxic and i mean TOXIC. I was anxious, I wanted to kill myself. I wanted to break free.

So at this point I was in the worst months of my life, I was not allowed to even have friends or use internet for more than 7 months straight. The things they did to me... I am even embarassed to tell about those things. I had to decide on persist or give up. So I said to myself I would do my better to ignore my outer-world and stop letting those things affect me, it was not easy. I would hurt myself and have a lot of anxiety crisis, but I found my peace within, I started living in imagination and seeing in my imagination what I most wanted to have, be. I was being delusional, I did not even knew about all of this LOA thing. I just wanted to escape of my reality.

In less than 2 months everything changed. I was more happier, and I was now allowed to do my things again, talk to friends, have my computer and all of this. I did not knew It was me, I thought it was a miracle.

Life went by, I fell in love, my selfconcept was shit, he dumped me. Still, at that time I did not knew about the law. I did not knew he did that because I assumed. I would imagine that he did not loved me, I would imagine him saying "it is over" at the point I would cry imagining, I felt that real, so I manifested. I was the cause. I did not knew.

After all of this I wanted to love myself and take care of me, I started learning about spiritualy, I learned that I am part of God. That I am God experiencing being human. I walked in love, started healing my trauma, I got a lot of it. In a meditation trying to communicate to my "higher self" I entered the void, blue gray, peaceful, beautiful... So still... I there naturally affirmed "I am calm, happy, love, ethereal". After this day everythin changed and I had no more reasons to be sad, I was healed.

But I was still in love with my ex and I only discovered the law because of it, I searched on how to manifest an ex, yea. It did not worked since of I let old story, circumstances, "false free will" let me down. But I discovered the neville subreddit, then the loatumblr, then the void, WHAT WAS, the void. And got to know I had entered it once, I wanted to do it again. I entered more of 3 times maybe until now, and also got some I AM state experiences. (They not the same to me since i feel emptiness from void and wholenesses from I AM + I AM state is golden and I see myself in other people bodies).

I learned about void with Halokisses, but at that point I thought it was some magical place, months passed by, my void concept got better but I still let circumstances bother me. I was not also doing my best to enter it to be honest. I was manifesting my life to be great even while manifesting entering in the void.

♡ What happened by this last months is that I just realized I love my life now, I love myself, my body, my friends, I have time to me, I have enough money to buy my things, I am free to do a lot of things. I never am bothered by circumstances + senses since I am in control of my states. and this made me feel like I don't even need the void altrough I still am going to enter it again, my void concept is beyond perfect right now that I fully know WHO I AM. At this point I am just so saturated about void that I relaxed about WHEN entering again because I am full convicted that I can do this and that I don't "NEED" it.

What I am trying to say is, circumstances does not matter, and you all don't need the void! You all need yourselves. I also want you to know that I AM not a "void master blog" all of that. I am someone who won the circumstances and manifested things, I am someone in love with Neville that want to help people, I am someone that did some subs for helping other people.

I know how it feels to be in a toxic home, feel ugly, be unwanted, have no friends, no money, be depressed, be anxious. I only told you the last 3 years of my life. I know how the void seems to be the only "way" and all of that. I know how it is like to just have someone to say "I am entering it for you" or wonder "When is my time?", I know how is like to think "you are the only exception" I know the void for about 8 months and I did not gave up. I manifested lots of things even while manifesting entering it. ♡ ALL I did was to change the story I was telling myself, the assumptions I held about me. I understood that 3d reflects 4d and so no matter what, everything is possible.

So please, stop begging me to "enter the void" for you or say "I can't do x so do for me". I am doing ALL I NOW can do to help you, I do posts, I reply asks, I make audios, I assume you all can do it. As soon as I enter the void I am of course affirming for you there. But until now I NEED, no, YOU need to save yourself, because even WITHOUT me, you can do this. YOU ARE THE CREATOR.

You don't have to pass by all that I had passed to realize WHO YOU ARE.

♡ My success story is I myself, I saved me. I am not depressed anymore, I am calm, happy, I am free. I never thought I could love myself this way!

₊and as soon I enter the void again, I will post my success, do more challenges, and I am even thinking of entering for it for you.

I hope this had inspired you and cleared things about me and my blog, I hope we all can help ourselves,

with love, Lotus - because I rised from mud. 💌

#success story #about me #motivation #the void state #loa tumblr #loa blog #law of assumption #neville goddard #healing

[amuseoffyre]

Having some thoughts about Ed's final and destructive reaction to everything in episode 10 and seeing how the seeds of that destruction have been scattered from episode 3, all the way through.

We know he's bored and struggling with it and that Izzy has basically been keeping the Queen Anne running in his stead when the crew are questioning things. Ed never deals with those confrontations because he has Izzy as his buffer. Izzy says it himself - even when Ed is at his most unstable and erratic, Izzy has kept the crew in check for him. "I need you here", Ed says, because he relies on Izzy to keep things operating.

Then we move onto the way he tries to fit into a different station and class and Stede is there to back him up, but the minute Stede leaves him unaccompanied, things go wrong. Stede being absent from the table is even highlighted as we see Ed's anxiety about the cutlery rising. And more importantly, Ed isn't present when Stede does demolish the aristocrats. He comes in to find the ship burning and Stede laughing and has no idea how he did it. Stede used the weapons of that world and wrecked them, which defininitely plants the seeds that Stede is more part of that world that Ed can never understand.

And when things begin to turn sour, it's at the hand of someone he trusts and considers a friend. Calico Jack takes his surprise at the betrayal as a joke, laughing in his face, and telling him "we're all just at various stages of fucking each other over".

This is the important thing - Ed explicitly put his trust and reliance on three people in the course of the show. He trusted in Izzy to watch his back, both pre-show-canon and after he returns from the Academy and is in a spiral of depression. He trusted Stede to be beside him because he said they were friends. He trusted Jack, because why wouldn't you trust the crewmate who saved your life?

Jack is the first one to knock that certainty sideways. Ed seems genuinely shocked and wounded by the fact he's been double-crossed and tricked by someone he considered a friend. At this point, he doesn't see this fully as Izzy's betrayal, because Izzy was targeting Stede and not Ed.

Immediately, he goes back to Stede, the person who said he was his friend. He even gets arrested - under threat of death - and signs his life away for this friend. Despite the old school chum of his friend saying "he's from my world, not yours", Stede is still there with him. And then, when he thinks he's got this all sorted out, when he's put his heart out on his sleeve, he gets to the dock and someone else has betrayed him and left him on his own again. He's from that world, he remembers. Not yours. We're just not those kind of people.

So he returns to the ship alone and asks for the person who he knows he can rely on, the person who has stood by him for years and who he can trust implicitly. And at first, Izzy does as he's always done: he keeps Ed's real condition from the crew. But there's a secondary motive for Izzy too: he always said he was honoured to work for the Legendary Blackbeard. He's there for the image that has kept them all alive this long and even when he sends Lucius in, he warns him he's not allowed to talk about what he sees "on pain of death".

But Lucius does what Lucius does and encourages Ed to come out, express himself and share his feelings and that is when Izzy's fraying nerves shred to bits. And he has no idea of exactly how catastrophic the repercussions will be when he takes that last shaky support Ed has depended on and kicks it out from under him.

"You said above all else is loyalty to my Captain" has become "I should have let the English kill you."

What he is, what he is allowing himself to be, is not enough. It wasn't enough to stop Jack. It wasn't enough to stop Stede. And now Izzy, the one person who had been there beside him for years, is pleased to see him show anger and violence, tells him "Edward better watch his fucking step".

Every person he has counted on and trusted and been vulnerable with has let him down in rapid succession. The only people left who have seen him that way are the crew and the "Come on Eddie, give us another song" was the death blow.

They're cheering him now. They're clapping and saying his name and telling him how cool and brilliant he is, but he's learned a lesson. He's learned it from the people who treated him like a rockstar and then turned on him and laughed in his face only hours later. He's learned it from the people he considered his friends and most trusted allies.

Any one of them might turn on him. Any one of them might turn him into a mockery and a joke and humiliate him. Any one of them might trick him the way Jack did. Any one of them might betray him the way Stede did. Any one of them might threaten him the way Izzy did.

And so, the Kraken rises. The part of himself that kills before it can be killed. That hurts others before it can be hurt. That will close itself from everyone and be so terrible and monstrous, no one will ever get close enough to hurt him again.

#ofmd meta #ofmd s2 #ofmd thinkie thoughts #ofmd #edward teach #blackbeard #the kraken

[kkami-writes]

hey guys!! long time no talk......here's a little life update!

so as you remember I got a job at the beginning of novemeber! while kinda stressful and hectic I really enjoyed working with the dogs and was happy even if i didn't have as much time for other things. December took a bit of a rough turn with seasonal depression and just feeling no motivation for really much of anything. For context for years I've never really had amazing birthdays, I've been disappointed, upset or just alone on my birthdays and I've long lost the excitement of my birthday. This year, I took a trip to Orange County/LA to visit family. We had planned on doing an escape room (something I've only done once but enjoyed but with my anxiety the thought of being locked in a room freaks me out). my cousins bf however booked a saw themed room. for those of you who don't know. I hate horror. ok, I digress. sometimes I can watch horror. but i mostly more enjoy horror video games but even then I do NOT play them for the most part. And if I do I usually have to take a break bc my anxiety spikes. In years I have gotten better at dealing with it, but in general horror movies specifically trigger me pretty badly. And prior to this, my anxiety had been out of control, constant anxiety and panic attacks that I didn't think I was even going to make it on my trip. So needless to say I was upset. Because I was looking forward to doing an escape room, I enjoy puzzles and thinking but that being said I would never ever do a horror themed escape room. I felt bad because I couldn't do it and they had already paid and it was about an hour before we had to leave. (thank god I asked what the theme of the room was before we got there). anyway, with all my emotions that I had been piling up in me, I just had a bad breakdown and cried. They all ended up going bc again, didn't want to waste money and I just wanted to be alone at that point anyway. Regardless, I still had a good time on the trip, "minor" bump aside. We went to little tokyo and I got to go to designer con for a bit. ALSO I love my cousins bf, he's a really nice guy. He did not know I don't do horror so it's not his fault. In his defense it was more supposed to be horror comedy / parody but I was already very highly anxious that even that would freak me out.

With my job, the original owners of the daycare had sold it, due to personal circumstances so we were getting a whole new owner. Except that a lot of us did not agree with things they were going to be adding or the way they interacted with the dogs. They have "nap time" which is literally just them crating all the dogs for almost 2 whole hours. Not all the dogs are crate trained and needless to say, did not enjoy it. When we tried it a few times it was just non stop barking for 2 hours. It was heartbreaking and sad. Literally everyone but two people have quit and decided they would not be working with these new people who clearly don't really care about the dogs. It's all about how to make the most money. The new owners don't even HAVE a dog. It's kinda crazy. So that being said...I have also decided to leave as I just don't feel comfortable there anymore. Which is heartbreaking because even though it's been two months, I've really bonded with these dogs and love them and it feels like I've left them to fend for themselves :/ anyway, I don't want to keep rambling on and on. but basically! i'm on the hunt for a new job and still struggling a bit with motivation and my mood, but i'm still hoping to return back to writing in january. I miss you guys a lot and have missed writing. I'm gonna answer all my asks soon. Thanks <3

#kaia talks #more like kaia rambles

[straykidsholicleigh]

☆*:..... LEIGH'S MOOTS !!!!

@yessa-vie - my wife ✨

i have to put this bitch first- ur the literal first person i started talking to on tumblr, no cap- words can't describe how grateful and happy i am to have u in my life like honestly. you've helped me with my depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts and brought me back up whenever i felt down, thank u sm 😭 sometimes i feel horrible bcs im bad at comforting people and i feel like whenever u want to vent, im not really helping but i promise to try better 🩷

also ur writing? like bitch ur writing? THAT HYUNJIN FIC 🫦🤌 like babes just throw me ur talent im begging u, i said it once, ill say it again; i am on my knees for ur writing 🧎‍♀️🧎‍♀️ like whenever u release smth i get so excited idk- keep rocking yessa baby, ilyyy smmmm my unnie <33 💜

@double-knxtt - my sister 🧚🏾‍♀️

life ain't complete without ya- like honestly, i kinda find the way we met sorta funny bcs i embarrassed myself on the first msg- 💀 it's been literally 5 months since we've known each other wtf... if u need someone to talk to, pls, im always here and even though im not good at comforting ill try my best, okay? you've helped me with a lot of stuff and ik we've had a few fights but i just wanna thank u for being there for me and helping me out of my dark places. your my best friend and my sister 🩵

ur writing- girl, im begging u, DON'T STOP WRITING THAT ONE MINHO DRABBLE- girl, how tf u so good at writing? if u don't throw me ur talent like yessa, im finding u and suffocating u 😃🔪 (jk, unless-) ily sm ok? always remember that my precious unnie~~ 💞💞<3

@kaiyaba - my other wife idk- 🦝

still can't get over the fact that we became friends through murder- im gonna start calling u my canadian bestie bcs... you know... we're both canadians? okay soo... UR MY PRECIOUS POOKIE ILY ILY SMM- sorry, had to get that off my chest- ur loaded with hyunjin pics, do not stop sending me them I'm begging- also those cards? hello? lmao they're funny af and yeah they did make me feel better lmao 😂 also, ty sm for being there for me when sam broke up with me, that was a horrible time but ty sm~ 💕 im always here if u wanna vent ok?

also honestly fuck ur ex, he can die idc- 💀 also I'd like more hyunjin pics when u awake, I'll be waiting 🤲 also, just so you know, u kinda slow at typing (cmon, did u seriously think i wasn't going to roast u atleast once?) ignore that last one- ily sm keep going, my racoon 💕💕

@thatonedemigodfromseoul - my daughter 🌻

OMG U CUTIE PATOOTIE, ANYTHING U DO IS CUTE 😍 u can just breath and ur cute... u baby material, infant 🫵 also, still not over the fact we literally met THROUGH MURDER 👁👄👁🤌🤌 *deep breath* ahem.. ik life is hard and people are bitchy sometimes but i just wanna let you know that you're got it. ur a human too and sometimes things get hard but we have to do everything to survive right? whenever it gets hard, im always here for u if u wanna vent ok? ily my little infant 🩷

UR WRITING?????? UR FLUFF??? BITCH THROW ME UR TALENT I SUCK AT FLUFF, I'LL JUST STEAL YOURS, IDC ILL ROB IT ONE WAY OR ANOTHER- (that was so aggressive i promise im stable-) ... i still want ut writing bcs wtf?? for a ** year old, ur so good? huh? ilyy 🩵🩷🩵

@fauna-flora11 - my mother in law 🤡

omg my pakistan baby 😍 bestie, ik we don't talk much but i want u to know ily and ur doing great ok? ur doing amazing, im so proud of what u did yesterday, today, tomorrow and so on ur so cuteeee!! ily my bestie pls drink lots of water and take care of urself ok? and don't worry about my leg and lip, it'll get better eventually 😅 again, if u ever wanna vent, im here ok? ilyy smm <333

i've never really read your writing but im encouraging you to write bcs your good at it! ill be waiting for that skz fic or whatever u have stirring up in that pot of urs lmao.. ily sm flora, keep doing whatever ur doing and keeping smiling 💕💕💕💕💕💕

@silverstarburst - my sister 💟

hi my unnie! ik we don't talk much, but ty for taking up for me whenever those anons throw hate at me, ur really amazing and sassy like that lmao- ik ur always there for me whenever im sad and whenever i get hate so hopefully i can do the same for u, so whenever ur sad or need to vent, just msg me. it may take me time but i will respond and help u ok? ily unnie, ur amazing <33💕💕💕

also, if u want a Chinese or Spanish name just ask me lmao- ik it sounds weird but i can give u one~ should I call u ash or wonhu? 👀👀 ily my pookie ~~ stay hydrated and get lots of sleep and eat well mkay? ilyy <333

@zoey-rov - the dog 🌸

bitch explain why is not tagging u??? what black magic have u done to my tumblr? also that minecraft house u working on... O-O WHY DOES HAVE LIKE 58 BEDROOMS??? CHILL ON THE BEDROOMS, UR BF WON'T LET ME GO FOR THAT, HE KEEPS COMPLAINING IN MY DMS 😭 also when u land in korea in september, come visit me (if u want) idk when u coming tho bcs idt ur bf wants to- ty for being my friend and trusting me with ur secrets~ ily my cutie <33 💕💕

@michelle4eve - my niece 🧜‍♀️

we don't talk much but you've been here on my blog, sending me asks and checking on me and sending cute shit 😭 i feel so stupid for not dming u earlier and talking to u, but lets just say im glad u made the move first. ur so talented and so funny and kind, im so glad ur in my family 😭 im here if u ever wanna vent, ok? ty for sticking around and not leaving, ily ily <3

also i read ur writing and lets just say I AM SHOOK- like can u just... throw some my way?? like wth?? i love ur writing pookie, pls keep writing and showing off that beautiful talent of urs 💕 stay safe and hydrated~ <33

@heihaneul - the cat 🍡

i strongly advise u to leave the dog, the mouse, the rabbit and fish alone- ig i have to thank chris bcs if it wasn't for his drama, i wouldn't have met u. i like our little chats even though u roast me 24/7 and call me a grandma just bcs i have a short remembrance of things. atleast i can go around calling u kitty 🤷🏻‍♀️ ty for helping me and having my back so many times, ily ily if u ever need to vent, my dms are open and waiting 💕 ily, pls look after urself~ 💕<3

@wooyo-bae - my niece/stepdaughter 🤰

first, i'm sorry for leaving u on read for a whole month, second, yes im delulu for hyunjin and i always will be 🤷🏻‍♀️ im still kinda shocked i have another ** year old on my bad but i will accept only bcs of yessa and mari (jkjk u the cutest little niece) ik school can be tough so if u ever need help im here <3 and pls for godsake STOP LISTENING TO ADULT MUSIC, U R PRACTICALLY A CHILD 🤡 ily take care of urself cutie (i promise i will respond to ur dms-) 💕

and i love ur writing even though u only got like one thing out- im encouraging u to write more bcs u are good at it annd don't let anyone tell u otherwise <333

@immapopthelimits119 - my other daughter 🧋

no, i do NOT believe u whenever u tell me u drink water bcs from that pic u sent me, u look DEHYDRATED 24/7 DRINK WATER BEFORE I FLY DOWN TO GERMANY AND SLAP U ACROSS UR FACE. yes, i am delulu for hyunjin and keep sending me jurin pics bcs jurin is a queen and she deserves recognition. i promise that felix fic u wanted is in the making! I'll try post it soon and ily <33 🩷🩷

@robynnn-nnm - the horse 🐎

ur personality is a lot like sage and it TERRIFIES ME. ik ur obsessed with flower by jisoo and pls the fact that ur sis sent me her number just to send me videos of u dancing like ur possessed is boss energy and u slay so house down, whitney im deceased 😞✋ ur so hyper but the fact ur constantly sending me horse pics is not giving, like calm tf down u roach- ily either way u talented mf 💕💕

@atinyniki - my niece 👩‍🦲

idk why u chose that emoji but im not gonna complain 🤷🏻‍♀️ if im being honest, i was kinda scared to text u bcs idk i felt like i would say smth wrong and u would think bad of me, but im glad i did! ik we don't talk much but i like talking to u bcs ur kinda chaotic and it's really refreshing 😅 now about those anons, just block them or hit spam bcs that's not very respectful what their doing :( im sorry if u get them often, ill try my best to shut them up, ty for sticking around cutie 💕 if u ever need to vent, again, my dms are like a door, it's always open for u to come through and spill ur mind. im listening. ily <33 💕💕

ur writing, ur writing, that's it. that's the comment. if u have a taglist, add me (idk if im already added-) pls ur writing is like.. so good? like where did u get that talent from? i will FIGHT whoever says ur writing sucks, bcs their blind, ur writing is so good, keep going cutie! ~ 💕💕

@hynjinniesworld - my psychotic lover 💀

we communicate through 💀 girl, whatever is happening between u and sam, im truly trying my best to help u but there's only so much i can do behind a phone and in a different country 😭 im always here if u need to vent and dw i saved ur ass multiple times, i can handle more ig- also, imma stop calling u mommy bcs anons be tripping 💀 (ill call u mine ;)) btw ur dancing is 🤌🤌 anyways, ily pookie, take care of urself especially after that surgery ily ily my fiesty, cutie pieeee <33 💕💕

#leigh rambles... ♡. #leighs moots... ♡. #leighs moots... ♡. yessa-vie... ♡. #leighs moots... ♡. double-knxxt... ♡. #leighs moots... ♡. kaiyaba... ♡. #leighs moots... ♡. thatonedemigodfromseoul... ♡. #leighs moots... ♡. fauna flora11... ♡. #leighs moots... ♡. silverstarburst... ♡. #leighs moots... ♡. zoey-rov... ♡. #leighs moots... ♡. michelle4eve... ♡. #leighs moots... ♡. heihaneul... ♡. #leighs moots... ♡. wooyo-bae... ♡. #leighs moots... ♡. immapopthelimits119... ♡. #leighs moots... ♡. robynnn-nnn... ♡. #leighs moots... ♡. atinyniki... ♡. #leighs moots... ♡. hynjinniesworld... ♡. #these r my mooties~ #and i will FIGHT FOR THEM SQUARE UP #💕💕💕💕💕💕 #leigh... ♡.

[keischreiber]

Welcome Home

Reiner x Reader Genre: Angst TW: Depression | Guilt | Self-loathing

Just because the Rumbling is over, does it mean that Reiner's trauma goes away?

Of course it doesn't. He could be coping because people are more accepting now, but I can imagine how panic attacks plague him when he least expects it.

How when anxiety hits, it hits him hard. Part of him, feels like he's getting better… but the majority of him still believes that there's no getting better from who he was. Regardless of being one of the Peace Ambassadors, he still believed himself to be less than that.

"What a joke," He'd tell himself at times, wondering how he landed this role after all the things that he had done.

He was part of the crew who saved the world, but more than that, he was the perpetrator and instigator of war. Even now, he still thinks back to it… to when he forced Annie and Bertholdt to go along with his selfishness. Maybe if he hadn't been so desperate, something might have changed. Maybe the road to something this peaceful wouldn't have been stunted. Maybe things would have been better had someone else inherited the Armor if he had just gone back home when Annie said they should have.

Maybe Porco would have been the better choice…

… after all, it was always supposed to be Porco, right? Marcel revealed the truth. Not a day had passed since the thought didn't enter his head.

Bottom of the pack. Loser. Talentless. Liar. Psychopath.

— Murderer

He could go on and on about it; the many reasons why he didn't deserve to be who he was today.

Stolen so many lives, so many dreams, so many futures… so much, so much, so much so that he wanted to vomit every time he remembers it.

But when all was said and done, he still accepts this role. People were starting to forget his crimes, he was being regarded as one of the heroes who stopped the Rumbling. He smiled at them, at the capacity that he could. When he came back home, he was treated the same way. He was recognized and was regarded with respect, much like any hero would.

For those that couldn't, he never blamed them.

He was, after all, not blameless.

During this time, Reiner had purchased a house of his own. He had invited his mother to live with him, but she had opted to stay with her sister to allow him some freedom in case he wished to start a family of his own.

It had been some time since Karina had told him the truth. He held no ill-regard for her, after all, he wasn't that stupid to see the reality of everything. It had taken him quite some time to accept it; the time in Paradis helping, so digesting how she had used him for her own agendas… well, it got easier over time.

"I know," He remembered himself telling her; watching as his mother cried her apologies… saying how nothing she did now could ever make up for what she had done to him. Reiner never blamed her for anything, believing that part of her simply wanted their family to be reunited.

He wanted to keep it at that, after all, when it came to these matters, even he could be selfish.

Still, coming home to his own house was always a nightmare.

He didn't know what you continue to see in him, but he was always happy to know that you were there. That, despite everything, you had chosen to share a life with him. It meant days or months apart, but you were always so patient with him. Sometimes, he was concerned when you don't ask him for anything. No flowers, no souvenirs from Paradis, no nothing.

"Come back home safe," He would remember you say, and that was that. Sometimes, he wondered why the only thing you asked for was the hardest one to give. When you tell him to return safely, it wasn't just physically. When you tell him to return home safely, it meant with a sound mind intact. It meant with a little more forgiveness for himself. It meant, with a little more kindness to himself that he hardly ever afforded.

When you tell him to come back, he's always afraid that he's going to fail those expectations. That he'll come back an even bigger mess than when he left.

And the worse part of it all was…

"I'm home."

… was coming home to an empty house that greeted him with nothing but silence.

Today was one of those days.

One of the days when the silence haunted him in the same way that his past did.

Reiner dropped the suitcase that he carried, not even bothering to close the door behind him. Frantically he went from one room to the next, looking for any signs of life. Everything was clean, as if no one had been here for quite a while.

He didn't know if it was just his imagination, or if it was because he had been gone for far too long.

Many things plagued his mind. He was always away, not by choice… but he couldn't use that as an excuse. Even if he said he wanted to be around more, and no matter how patient you were… it was only a matter of time before you got fed up with him and his absence.

Fed up with him and his issues.

"Of course you'd leave… why would you stay with someone like me?" He asked, his body trembling. His lips curving itself to defeat as he ruffled his blonde hair unkempt.

He wanted to cry, knowing that this was his fault in the first place. He knew that he shouldn't be complaining or expecting too much. He knew that this was how it'd be; how it should be. But now that you weren't here, why did it hurt? Why did he want things to be different? Why did he want you there with him, along with the patience that you often showed; along with the kindness that you always ALWAYS showered him with.

For a moment, his eyes darkened, his demons consuming him once again. Until,

"Reiner, you're ho—me— R-reiner?"

… until he heard your voice. In an instant his head snapped to attention, seeing you by the door. He couldn't see anything but you; his strides fast and long. Before you knew it the bag of groceries that you held in your arms was replaced by his trembling frame.

It was tight.

The way he held you was suffocating, and you would have complained had you not heard his sobbing. You could feel it, his tears streaming down his face and onto your scalp as he began to cry against your hair. He buried himself there, and by the second, he simply continued to let it all out. You could hear him mumbling over and over: "You're here, you're here," as if those were the only words he knew.

Your eyes glossed over, you always felt like crying with him when he was like this.

"I missed you so much." Your voice was soft as you whispered. You don't know if he'll ever completely come to believe you... but regardless, you tell this to him every time he returns.

For now, you kept him close, letting him cry.

You pushed the door to a close with your foot, so that the both of you could simply be together in the privacy of each other's arms.

"Welcome home, Reiner."

#◆ drabbles. #angst #depression #reiner braun #reiner #reiner x oc #reiner x y/n #reiner x you #reiner x everyone who loves him #aot #attack on titan #snk #shingeki no kyojin

[tiny-sassy-aggressive]

After watching We’re All Doomed, the comedy show by Daniel Howell, I need to take moment to write out how that show made me take a step back in my own life and evaluate progress and positive growth in my life as I realized that his timelines/feelings could be foiled in a meaningful way to my life. I was particularly inspired to write this while watching the scenes on the screen of the moments of joy people were experiencing. I swear I had chills and I started to tear up. As he spoke about not only embracing the void, but finding the courage to exist, but not just exist, but to live and find those moments of joy, I was reminded about how that moment in searching for why life was worth living was how I came (back) to Catholicism. I don’t intend this post to encourage others to or away from the Church. I simply was inspired by Dan to share how I got to a place of accepting that life is worth living and how I hope to move forward.

I want to first tw cancer, death, feelings of not wanting to exist, and mentions of suicide. Nothing is explicitly discussed in great detail but only mentioned. I have never written out my story before, barely talk about it even to this day. Tried therapy a few times but it wasn’t for me, but that’s neither here nor there. This is a safe space for me to share something I just wouldn’t with family and friends. Though, I must apologize in advance, like Dan, I talk/write way too much so this will be a very long post.

Thank you to all those who take the time to read my random story and I hope to hear from others how Dan’s story and/or show have affected you so we can share in those feelings as a community.

I am chronically depressed and anxious. Always have been as it runs in the family. However, the problem was my parents, or really, I should just say my mom because my dad was never around in an emotional capacity that mattered, didn’t necessarily believe in mental health. Sure they knew depression and anxiety were real, but those were just emotions people felt and there wasn’t anything to do but continue on and try your best to keep going no matter what. It’ll be fine, just keep moving and working, right? Well when I was 12/13 I was getting bullied really badly. It got to the point where I was having panic attacks before going to school, crying at night, constantly feeling nauseous, and worst of all, I would refuse to leave my moms side, so school got to be pretty difficult. My mom was fully aware of what was going on so she went in immediately and got the bullying handled (as much as she could, middle schoolers are brutal. It never really went away but it was less of a nuisance) but she did not understand why I still felt ill and didn’t want to leave her side. She found me a therapist and I went twice. I knew we had financial struggles and I started to feel better so I stopped going. I was still sad and scared but those were normal feelings, right? I could go to school and play my flute, talk to friends, and sure I was writing songs about being trapped in a cage and having no one hear my screams but I was just an edgy teen, I wasn’t depressed. That’s just me being me. No mental illness here! I’m fine. Spoiler alert- I was not fine and it was only going to get worse.

When I was 14 I found Dan and Phil! I was a huge o2l fan so I followed Connor Franta and he posted Internet Trivia with Dan and Phil and I absolutely fell in love with them and fell down the rabbit hole of their channels and the gaming channel. I loved them both but I definitely had a bias towards Dan because he wore all black and was edgy. Watching Existential Crisis for the first time gave me a phrase to the weird feelings I had. Both affirmed and disproved the fact I was mentally ill but I still didn’t have the words for it so I just thought I was mentally different from other people. Watching that video back with all the context of 2024 and 2024 Dan, that video covered an extraordinarily heavy topic but he never mentioned the word depression or mentally ill because, at that point, why would he? Since he was the only person who voiced those feelings that I also shared, I took them to heart, but I could only take those words to heart as I had no reference to infer what else all that meant. So I kept all my feelings to myself. After all, this guy said he had all these big feelings but was fine. Call me naïve, I was 14, so I believed I could be okay and still feel existential. It was normalized, plus nothing else in my life was being affected, I was doing well in school, I had friends, I had hobbies, I was fine. How could I complain?

A few months after the start my freshmen year of high school, my older brother was diagnosed with leukemia and everything changed. He was sick and had to stay in the hospital for months, one of my parents would always be at the hospital, and me and my little brother would visit on the weekends when we could. My mom really stressed the importance of keeping a normal schedule so we did. School, extracurriculars, piano, just keep moving and everything will be alright. I didn’t cry, I couldn’t cry. I had to remain okay, fine, an unbreakable force because I couldn’t have anyone worrying about me because we all had to worry about my brother. Which we did! I never wanted to be a burden or not okay because I wanted all attention and time focused on his wellbeing. I don’t remember talking to anyone about anything emotional. Sure as hell not my parents. Not my brothers. Not even my friends. So I watched videos and removed myself and all emotions from my being so I didn’t have to think or be.

When he was first diagnosed I felt lost and confused. So I did the one thing my private, catholic school taught me to do. I found God and prayed. Except, I can say certainly looking back, it was not a meaningful relationship I created. It was one forged in fear, confusion, and a misunderstanding of how to pray. Ironically, for a catholic school, they didn’t know how to teach someone to come to God, they just expected you to understand, but that’s beside the point and a different conversation. But that’s what I did! I prayed, every morning and night, Lord, Please heal my brother. Please. Tried devotionals I didn’t get, muttered words I didnt understand, and played the part. I watched everyone else around me do it so I did it too, to the point where I believed I needed to be perfect or else my prayers would fail, which, I cannot express enough, was not the appropriate mentality, but that’s what I thought was necessary.

About 7 months later, my brother was in remission and he came home! He was okay! We got through the summer, he came back to school, we were in band and choir together again. It was fun!! We were all okay again. The dark spots in my head were still there but they were probably just left over from how scary last year was. How could I not be happy with my brother back home and alright again. At this point, my prayers were answered so I slowed down my prayers. I was okay so I felt as if I did not need my relationship with God as intensely anymore because I felt fine. Plus, when I was sad or scared those were just normal reactions that were not taking over my life so why dwell on them.

In 2017, Dan released Daniel and Depression. And I don’t exactly remember my reaction. But at that point in my life, I remember coming around to the idea that maybe I was not as mentally sound as I thought. But even listening to what he had to say, I was still convinced I was not depressed, I was just traumatized from what had happened to my brother and to my family. I had spent that time living through hell and I never stopped, I did not lay in bed wallowing, I didn’t not brush my teeth or not take care of myself. I was a high functioning nearly straight a student through and through. I was not depressed.

I don’t know why that was such a dirty word for me. Or maybe it wasn’t a dirty word, but it was something I didn’t want associated with myself. My school didn’t believe in mental health because all you had to do was pray and “you can’t be depressed and be with God” - Which by the way is completely inaccurate and harmful for young people to grow up learning. On the other hand, my parents lived in a hospital with my sick brother for months, I shouldn’t be depressed or talk about the weird sadness I was experiencing after everything they went through. It’d be selfish of me to not be alright.

Two months after Dan posted his depression video, my brother got sick again, the cancer came back. I prayed fervently once again. Knowing it worked once it could work again. Every morning and every night in the depths of my dark room where no one could see or hear because everyone else in my family was not religious or was too angry at God to believe. I put it on myself to pray and to be good so he can be healed again. But I failed. He died 4 months later on my 17th birthday. Years later, a therapist would tell me that happened because he didn’t want me to forget about him, well jokes on the therapist I was never going to forget anyway. I failed, it was my fault he died. If I prayed more, if I was a better person, if I just focused I could have saved him. But I wasn’t enough, I was not good enough to save him. This wasn’t true, of course, nor how religion/prayer works. But I didn’t know what else to do or think. So I blamed myself. I wasn’t even there when he died. My parents told my little brother and I that he wasn’t ever coming home and a few days later, on my birthday, we went to school and when my dad picked us up from school he drove us home and my mom was sitting there and that’s when I knew. My little brother was so cute, he later admitted he just thought my mom had come home to see me for my birthday but I knew immediately. I still don’t know how my dad just picked us up that day and didn’t say anything.

A part of me died that day. How could it not have? It was a strange night. We cried. I ate a pre-bought cupcake. My brother went to lacrosse practice and the next day we both went to school. Because that’s just what we did. We just kept going. Let me tell you, you’ll get the strangest looks from people when they see you at school after they just heard over the loud speaker that your brother had died the previous day. Because really, what were we doing there? We were the highest functioning traumatized students you had ever seen. I was only 2 minutes late to my first class of the day, math. I went to the chapel in the school with my really close friend to cry and listen to adoration music and just wonder why, why, why? 2 minutes wasn’t too bad, the teacher was surprised to see me and I failed the math quiz we had. She was nice, she offered to not have me take it, but I was already there and it was math quiz time so I took the quiz. She let me redo it too. She was nice, I needed it. It felt normal so I felt fine.

And that was all the rest of the 2018 school year was. Fine. Went to class, studied, did my extracurriculars, performed in all the shows, hell, I even went to prom with said super close friend from earlier. It was obvious I was traumatized and sad but how could I not be? But I was doing everything a normal student would be doing so what was the problem?

The problem was I felt alone, hell, I was alone. My family was broken, shattered into a million a pieces. My dad was distant, my mom cried, my bothers and I weren’t talking in any meaningful way. I talked to one person, the guy who held me in the chapel the day after my brother died and who took me to prom. I loved him, we loved each other. He was the only person who I felt actually saw me. I always had some barriers up but I felt free with him and I know he just wanted me to be okay even in the midst of tragedy. We were friendly for 2 years but we got close right before my brother was diagnosed again. Those months meant so much to me and I thought we would always be close. But 1 month after my brother died. He told me he did not want to continue our relationship or friendship. He said I was too much to handle or had too much going on. In all honesty, I don’t remember his exact words because I most definitely mentally blacked out. And he broke what little part of me was left.

(About 2 1/2 years later he ended up calling me and after not really speaking to him at all since that moment, I picked up, more out of curiosity then trying to rekindle anything. He told me that, unbeknownst to me back in 2018, he went to our Moral Theology teacher (yes- private catholic school) to ask for advice because he saw how much pain I was in and he did not know how to help me. Instead of this teacher, a literal adult, going to our schools counselor, my mother, or even me and addressing this 17 year old boys concerns about ME, he told him that he should just give me space because of the mental weight of the tragedy I was living through. His advice to this boy was to essentially isolate me. Looking back, I do feel bad for this boy. He tried so hard to do the right thing for me but didn’t have the right directions. And on the other hand I am so mad at the teacher because that was the worst advice he could have ever given ever. Thanks! Real talk though, I loved that boy and he always meant the world to me. We didn’t keep in touch afterward that 2020 conversation but I kept tabs on him through mutual friends and he always listened to my music on Spotify. He went through a tough time and he committed suicide in 2022. I really do miss him and wish things were different for all aspects of his story, my story, and what might have been our story. It felt wrong to exclude his memory in this post because he truly played such a crucial role and he meant so much to me even years later)

Back to 2018, after he abandoned me. I was completely and utterly alone. And now, I feared opening up at all to anyone because I didn’t want to be perceived as the burden I truly was. So I swallowed every once of trauma, depression, and anxiety so I was perceived as a functioning, fine, human being who didn’t need anyone to worry about her. I didn’t want anyone to worry or care for me because they thought I was fragile or broken because I now had proof that I would become too much to handle and that anyone would just leave me just as he had. And that was it. I smiled, I laughed, I spent the next year completing every senior year milestone and graduated high school. And I didn’t feel one emotion. I was fine.

Summer 2019 was when things started to shift a bit and here’s where I think the foiling begins. For one, Dan had just released Basically, I’m Gay and he started to live his truth being out of the closet. I truly don’t want to nor feel like I can comment anymore on this topic because that was his own personal journey and I don’t want to speculate on anything he said. He did so quite clearly and explicitly. But the point I am making was that in the middle of 2019, he began living his truth. This one thing he didn’t talk about that is so quintessential to his character was now a public part of him and he got to experience that joy of being out. There was a shift in his character, anyone who watched his video could tell, he was happy, he seemed excited. He went to pride, did promotional videos, and he just seemed like he was living in a brighter light. It was beautiful to watch and I’m grateful he let us share in those moments of joy with him.

Before I get too deep into this section, I want to preface and state that I do not remember large chunks of time between 2018-2021. All the trauma and depression have made me forget nearly everything, and it’s a very weird sensation to have little to no memories of 3/4 years of time. I can recall general feelings and most memories I can see are from a third person pov so I can see what was happening, but I see it happening to me, not me actually experiencing the memory.

For me, summer 2019 meant leaving for college. Now, in hindsight, I made a major error. I was going to the same college my brother had been at before he died. I don’t know what I was thinking or why I thought it was a good idea but the school gave me money so I would have been a fool to take on more student loans than necessary, plus, I knew I wanted to transfer the next year and move half way across the country so I had an end goal in sight, just had to get through the year.

I also started to go to church again. There was a cute little church about a half mile down from my school so it was an easy walk. I don’t consider this change/new addition a mistake, but I do often wonder what was I thinking exactly. I don’t recall my exact process but remember two dueling trains of thought. For one, I still 100% felt weird about religion/God because I blamed myself for my brother dying because I wasn’t praying enough and wasn’t good enough to save him. But on the other hand, I did not feel right to never enter a church again and a part of me wanted to return because it felt like the right thing to do. I spent my entire formative years at a private catholic school. I knew all the prayers, scripture, the saints (I was confirmed taking St. Rose Philippine Duchesne), and my senior year religion class was dedicated to teaching us how to explain/teach the faith to non-believers. And I believed in all of it! I had faith, so how could I not be going to church. Call it guilt, or whatever you want to call it, but I couldn’t turn my back on the church after everything I had learned so I went back. It was the truth I believed in and the truth I wanted to live by. I told myself that eventually I would just feel better, I’d continue to pray to heal and keep going through the motions until it stuck. At this point, I had fully embraced the void I was living in. I accepted that I was depressed, I accepted that I was depressed long before the trauma began so I was battling undiagnosed depression alongside the after effects of the trauma, and I accepted that I am an incredibly anxious person. That was alot for an 18 year old to take in but I finally accepted what my truth was. I admit it and that’s the first step right? I know I am mentally ill so I started some therapy, and I continued going to church and praying because every thing I read and was told said those were the best things I could do to help myself. So things could only get better from here, right?

Not necessarily. The end of 2019 flew by and before we knew it we were in the throes of a global pandemic. Within 3 months in 2020, my parents divorced (finally), my grandmother died from the same cancer that my brother had which was sick was twisted if you ask me, and my mom, little brother, and I moved half way across the country. Oh and I transferred colleges in all that too. Besides every single bad thing we experienced, moving was supposed to be our new start. A new place, new schools, new adventures. No longer living in the state with every bad memory we had or the house we essentially grew up in. It was new and fresh, almost the perfect situation to start a mental health journey in, besides the recent trauma I still don’t think I have processed fully and a global pandemic. I just thought I would be getting better.

I remember the part of We’re All Doomed when Dan mentioned 2019 being so important because he started to live his truth and I felt so similarly. I thought once I accepted what was going on in my head I’d feel better. But then 2019-2021 for both of us seemed to be one of our worse times mentally, which is oddly terrifying because of the emphasis that was present on wanting to feel improved.

Between 2019-2021, I struggled with the concept of existing. I did not understand why I was here and others weren’t, what I was meant to do, and why I was meant to do it. I didn’t want to exist. I simply didn’t have the energy. I couldn’t conjure up emotions, nothing real anyway. I just felt nothing. I never felt suicidal, never did anything to harm myself, never wanted to. I knew and continue to know that I never wanted to die. I really just wanted to feel quiet, numb, not of the earth and those are very scary feelings. I could barely put them into words for when I talked to my therapist but I tried, but all she could tell me was to find distractions for myself. Distract, distract, distract, well that’s all I’ve been doing and I don’t feel better. I listened to music, wrote music, talked to my mom, pray, do my class work, scroll through social media, but what then? When alls said and done, the music is off, the conversation is over, the work done, the phone turned off, I was left with myself and I didn’t even recognize her. My mom said she saw a light in my eyes she hasn’t seen in a while but I had no idea what she was talking about. Whatever was on the outside wasn’t being transferred to the inside because I didn’t even know who was staring back at me in the mirror. I just knew she didn’t want to be here anymore. So what now?

When Dan showed us the calendar with the little emoji emotions over the days of the month, I swear my heart stopped for a moment because it reminded me of what I started doing for myself during that same time period, that very same year he was referring to in the show. I had downloaded this app, Hallow, it’s a catholic prayer app. Scripture, guided prayers, saints stories, the whole nine yards. I liked the little guided prayers. Helped me focus I guess. And every night I’d ask for the same thing. To feel better. To be healed. It also had a little section where you could track your mood for the day so I started doing that everyday. I wasn’t thinking too hard about it I just hit the emoji I felt and moved on. Until I started noticing a pattern of hitting, sad, anxious, worried, or unsure. Soon enough I had months upon months, just days filled with those same emojis. When I actually took a step back, just like Dan did, to stare at how my months were covered in little sad emojis it broke me more than I thought it ever could. Was this all that was left for me? Days that left me feeling dejected and dark? Why wasn’t anything I was doing enough to make me feel better, to make me feel something for my life, for this world around me. Every night pleading the same questions to God, why, why, why? Just begging to be healed.

One day in 2021, I felt hopeless, I was tired, drained, and I truly did not know what to do. I just wanted to feel. So I stopped begging God to fix me and I started talking instead. And I talked and talked about everything and nothing all at once. I told Him about my day and what had happened. I told Him about the little anecdotes, my classes, the walk I went on. I told Him what I felt during the day, the big feelings and the little feelings. As I recounted my day and all the little details, I know it sounds ridiculous, but I felt lighter. For the first time in a long time, I was not focused on the big scary black hole of my mind, the void, I spent time talking about what my day had looked like and what I knew was on my schedule for tomorrow. It grounded me. And it was just that. I wasn’t focused on the void, I was focused on the living I was doing despite the void and there was something beautiful about that realization I have never been able to put into words until I watched Dan’s show. God was not not healing me because I did not deserve it or because I was so helpless, for it was only when I was at my lowest that I let myself let go and speak freely outside the confines of asking for the same thing over and over again without changing my mindset. It was only through those open ended conversations that I found and was confronted with the events of my life, no matter how big or small. The void, my depression, my traumas, whatever I want to call them, they are always going to exist, they are a part of my and I can’t change anything about that. But my life, my 24 hours a day, that time will pass regardless of if I choose to dwell on the darkness or not, so might as well spend my time enjoying the light that clearly exists as well. So that is what I started to do.

It is a choice that I have to make each day when I wake up. To decide to be an active participant in my life rather than a passive bystander. But like all things, it’s an attitude that can be learned, adapted, and over time it did not feel like a chore to make that choice, but a pleasure. For once, I started to look forward to the future and excited for what I could do. I found a church where I could attend mass so I would stop sitting in my room and watching online, I started to push myself to make plans outside my comfort zone and learned to not just like my own company, but enjoy the silence of being alone. The one project I am particularly proud of is my second Instagram account dedicated to romanticizing my life. Everyday, for now nearly 2 1/2 years, I have posted a photo on that account of the places I’ve been, clothes I’ve worn, and experiences I have been on. It’s my own personal photo diary proving that I have been living and that I will be continuing to live.

Photos and daily reflection have been the cornerstone of my improvement which was why that segment of Dan’s show impacted me so greatly. Each small clip he shared was probably only a second or so long but each moment held such great joy and emotions that could not be contained. It was and will continue to be a reminder that there will always be moments of joy and moments of happiness that will exist even in the face of adversity, we just have to work to see them, and choose to accept them as our own. Some days can certainly be harder than others, but after years of feeling nothing but the heavy weight of despair, even just the memories of joy are enough to encourage me to move forward. I’m alive for a reason and I believe and trust in God’s plan for me, so I choose and, now, feel empowered to continue on.

Dan was right when he said that we are all doomed. And there is this void in my life that I have learned to embrace and not just ignore. But this life was not meant to be survived, but to be lived. And I, now, have the courage to choose to live everyday.

Thank you to @danielhowell for sharing a part of yourself with the world. For creating a show that encourages us to acknowledge every part of our lives, the good, the bad, the ugly, and to show the importance of embracing every aspect of our lives while we continue our journey. Thank you for encouraging me to share my story and my journey through mental health. I have never shared my story like this before and it has been an unbelievably cathartic experience and I feel renewed in my promise to continue to choose to live.

Thank you🖤

#dan and phil #dnp #daniel howell #dan howell #danisnotonfire #dan and phil renaissance #we’re all doomed #embrace the void #have the courage to exist #embrace life #finding purpose #catholic #catholiscism #mental health #mental illness #how to be a human being #we aren’t alone #thank you

[doberbutts]

I have to tell you I adore you and all your fabulous fur babies!

I would like to ask if you can talk about your experience being on t, specifically the mental and emotional aspects of the hrt process. I have read a lot about the physical changes that happen, but I don't see anyone talking about how your personality, mood, energy, etc. change.

Thanks!

Hey thanks!

Honestly while there is a lot of misinformation regarding what testosterone does to your emotions, I feel lucky that my endocrinologist never really said anything except that I may feel wild mood swings or have trouble controlling my anger in the first few months as my body and mind adjusted to the new swing in hormones.

This is pretty normal for any hormone you take- when you first start, you may find yourself experiencing mood swings and feeling emotions more intensely. That's why kids deep into puberty tend to be, um, a bit out of control with their emotions. It's also why this happens again as you age into your twilight years, when your body once again changes its hormone output and can set things a bit out of whack. Or if you get pregnant. Or if you start hormonal birth control. Or if you take a steroid for something not even sex hormone related. Messing with your hormones can seriously throw off your grasp on your feelings and moods.

But the good news is, it's not permenant. By the time you're 5 months in, you should start feeling more like "you" again, unless your dose changes for whatever reason. And, even better, the "you" you feel like? Usually is a much more mentally happy person.

On a personal level, I didn't have random fits of anger. Which is interesting, because I have a documented anger problem that I have taken anger management for because I have had black-out rages [usually inspired by one of my sisters deliberately hurting one of my pets] [for instance she swung one of my pet rats at the wall by the tail like she was going to kill him and the next thing I know our mother is pulling me off of her as I'm pummelling her face with my fists on the ground and I do not remember the in-between] [I'm not sorry, fuck around and find out, don't hurt my animals and I won't hurt you] [also this sister sent me to the ER in a previous fight where she'd bodily picked me up and thrown me through a window so like. Don't feel too bad for her that I finally snapped and gave her a taste of what she constantly did to me]

In fact, I've had *multiple* people who know the "before" and "after" tell me that I'm much calmer and more emotionally steady than I've ever been. And that I'm happier too. I also used to anger-cry a *lot*, pretty much any time I got angry I'd also cry, but that also stopped happening so now I don't really get angry and when I do I don't cry about it.

I would say anxiety's probably about the same but depression is much better. Compared to who I was before leaving my hometown vs now, I can confidently say that I no longer consider the odds of whether my shower curtain rod can hold me for long enough. I'm much better at recognizing when my mental health is getting bad and when I need to take a step back. I get stressed and I can go "okay, I need to break away from this before I completely lose it" well in advance. Which is great! Mental stability and joy and security for the win!

I will say I don't really cry anymore. It does occasionally feel like I'm not really able to. One of Creed's songs came on and I teared up and my throat got all fuzzy but I think only one of two tears actually came out, vs losing him pre-T we're talking ugly cry scream-sobbing in my [now-ex]'s arms. Which, yes, some of it is just distance from the grief since it was two years ago. But also I've never been so in control that I only cried a literal couple tears' worth. Usually the waterworks start and then take a long time to end.