#leave me loving you | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

simpxxstan · 2 years

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leave me loving you (knj series)- Chapter 1

pairing: idol!namjoon x reader

genre: angst, fluff, exes to lovers, idol au

summary: love is easy. marriage is hard. especially with kim namjoon. it’s only for your daughter’s sake that you keep in touch. but when feelings linger, can you ever move on from the past?

word count: 4k

rating: 13+ (everything is sfw)

warning: a large dose of angst. I may or may not have teared up while writing this. topics of divorce and pregnancy.

a/n: hi! I’ve been away from tumblr for more than a month now, because I’ve been really caught up with work and studies :(. Missed JK’s bday too, but here I am to post this as a belated celebration! Happy Birthday Jungkookie! All of the love in this world to you, angel. The original intention was to finish this series by Namjoon’s bday, but I don’t think I will be able to write that fast. This is for my bestie, @mommyofpinkears I hope you like this, babe! Thank you for reading! All of your support is so so appreciated, love y'all! Enjoy!

You flick from one channel to the next on the television, your mind in a completely different place. With every passing minute, your tension just increased, and you gulped down larger sips of the ice tea you had made yourself. It was past 10 o’ clock, and Namjoon had still not brought Byul back home.

It did remind you of the old days, sometimes. How the father-daughter duo would disappear for long hours, visiting some park or the other, ice skating in the rink, singing at the kid’s karaoke, or taking a walk down the Han river in the peace after the sunset. Even then, you’d be super worried when they would return home late. But somehow, there was some kind of ease in your mind then. You knew that no matter what, Namjoon would bring her back home. And he’d come back to you too.

The trust was still there. You knew Namjoon too well to think he wouldn’t dote on his daughter and bring her home safely. The only person you were worried about was Namjoon.

You didn’t want to repeat the incidents of last month again.

You both had to make your hearts into steel, even if it was for Byul’s sake.

Just then, the bell rings and you walk up, rushing to the front door to open it and find a cutely asleep Byul in Namjoon’s arms, while the man himself was looking at you with a smile.

“She’s tired.”

You can’t smile, not when you were so worried just a moment ago. “Where did you take her?”

“To the amusement park. The new one? In Gangnam.”

You nod, and extend your arms in order to take Byul into your arms.

“No, let me put her in bed. She’ll wake up.”

Your eyes become sterner, as you glare at Namjoon, whose face takes up a mildly begging expression.

“Please?”

You can’t not be melted by his puppy eyes.

You never could resist them.

You step aside, letting him walk in, and he walks straight to the bedroom, knowing very well where the rooms were. You shut the door, put the TV on mute, and walk into the bedroom, just to see the big man trying his best to gently tuck in the tiny girl, who had a smile on her face as she basked in her Appa’s warmth. You bit your lip to stop the tears from rushing to your eyes. When Namjoon finished, he kissed right in between Byul’s eyebrows, and whispered goodnight to her. Then he looked up at you, and walked out of the room. You shut the door and walked out too.

You could see the tears gathering up near his eyes too.

“Did you two have fun?”

“Hmm, I think she did. Although she was a little scared during the rides, it was good.”

“And you?”

He looks at you with a soft smile, his eyes wistful. “Hmm, me too.”

You want to hug him so bad. He’s literally asking for it, with those dimples popping up slightly, his hair fluffy and soft, the blonde wearing off. But you won’t. You’ve mentally scolded yourself a million times to not lean into physical touches. It would honestly be the last straw.

“Did you eat dinner?”

“Yeah, we ate ramen and corn dogs. She really liked the corn dog, has she tried it before?”

“I don’t think so. I thought it would be too fiery for her, but I’m glad she liked it.”

He nods. You take in his outfit, a light beige hoodie and plain jeans, but he looks… so fine. You regret your decisions for the nth time.

“Umm, Y/N, I had a favour to ask of you.”

You nod, urging him to continue.

“Byulie told me she has a parent-teachers meeting in school on Thursday. Can I come along, if that’s okay with you? I really want to meet her teachers and understand her progress.”

You furrow your eyebrows. “You’ve never been involved with her school work before, why now?”

“I don’t know, it’s just…”

“Do you think that just because I’m not as smart as you, I can’t raise her to be smart?”

You want to take your words back.

You really do.

Because he has the saddest look in his eyes now and you want to cry just by looking at him.

“No, Y/N, I didn’t mean that. I just wanted to see how she’s coping at school and stuff like that.”

“Well, Byul’s never had many problems. I’ve spoken to her teachers before, and they’ve all confirmed this. Plus our communication is really strong so even if she faces any difficulties, she doesn’t hesitate to tell me.

“That’s really good to hear.” He whispers quietly. Sincerity shines in his eyes.

“But I'd think she’ll like it if you come to the parent-teachers meeting.

You could finally see him smiling. “Are you sure you’d be okay with that?” Your heart ached. “Yes. Of course. You are her father.”

Judging by the look he gave you, you didn’t think this was the answer he expected. But it didn’t matter. He had already turned towards the door, turning once to say, “See ya on Thursday then! Please text me the details.”

You nod, opening the door for him.

He stopped in front of you, gently leaned towards you, and pecked your forehead.

“Goodnight, Y/N.”

When you closed the door, speechless, a single tear ran down your eye.

___

Loving Namjoon had been a dream, until you woke up and faced reality. Wherever you went, cameras flashed in your eyes and you found your peers stealing glances at you, eyes burning with jealousy. It almost felt like a crime, dating and then marrying Namjoon. It was as if you had stolen him away from thousands of people. Hate comments on your Instagram, multiple rumours aimed to shame you, and the endless invasion into your personal life. It was something Namjoon had warned you about, but you were terrified by the scale of it. But even that was something you could manage. He, the boys and their company had helped you with those issues too.

However, everything turned bitter when you actually became pregnant. You both had talked about it, and Namjoon had always been ready to become a dad. He would often wistfully dream, with you lying on his chest, how he would drive his child to school every day, how his child would have his dimples but your smile, how he would spoil his child (to which you would lightly scold him), and how he would find another partner to go on nature walks with. You would laugh at his dreams, finding them adorable. You weren’t so eager to become a mother, you wanted to settle down more in life first, but you were sure Namjoon would be the best dad ever, and that made your heart warm. You couldn’t dream of having children with anyone other than Joon.

You still remembered that morning clearly. You had woken up and taken a pregnancy test after repeated bouts of vomiting and nausea in spite of no reason for food poisoning.

The test had, as you had expected, revealed positive.

You had woken him up gently, showering tiny kisses all across his face and neck. You knew this was his favourite way of waking up, and even before his eyes had opened, his cheeks had broken into dimples as his smile rose. “What’s up, baby girl?”

“Namjoon-ah!”

He opened his eyes at your mock urgency, brows raised in anticipation.

“Who’s ready to be a dad?” You had shown him the little tool, showing a red line, indicating your pregnancy.

His face had gone from shock to disbelief to surprise to sheer utter joy in a span of ten seconds. “Really?” He sat up, holding you in his lap. You nodded, the widest smile on both of your faces. “YAYYYY!” He had lifted you up as he stood up hopping slightly. Laughing, you begged him to put you down, but he showed no signs of stopping. He began to twirl you round and round, and then you said, “Joon, no really, I’m gonna vomit all over you, if you don’t stop right now.” Alarmed, but not in despair, he had stopped. “I’m sorry.” He kissed you on your forehead, your nose, and then your lips, deepening it slightly before the two of you became out of breath. “I love you, my baby mommy,” he said, booping your nose with his. “I love you too, Namjoon-ah.”

And then everything went downhill.

___

He arrived just ten minutes before the meeting was scheduled to start, panting as he ran into the school campus, muttering apologies to everyone. You hadn’t even spotted him in the crowd, but Byul had begun waving her hand at him, beckoning him to where the two of you were standing. Unconsciously, the edges of your lips curled up.

It had been his dream to come to school with his child. Even if it was in fragments, you did hope Namjoon was happy that his dream was coming true. The way his eyes were lit up, he sure did seem happy. He made his way through the crowds, which was not an easy feat as people instantly started gathering around him, recognising him as RM of BTS, and flocked him for autographs and selfies. He politely apologised, all the while, keeping his eyes on you and Byul. By the time he reached you, he was quite flustered, but Byul instantly hopped into his arms.

“Appa!” she smacked his cheek with a loud kiss, and he hugged her tightly. “You came!”

“Yes, darling. Of course I came.”

“How are you?” You asked him.

“Doing okay. Am I very late?”

“Nope, don’t worry. We still have about-” you looked at your watch, “Oh dear, we have a minute left! Let’s start making our way to the classrooms!” he laughed at your panic, but when you unconsciously clutched his hand and walked towards the classroom, Namjoon’s face lit up with the most beautiful sad smile, as his heart ached and leaped at the same time. His daughter in his arms, his angel holding his hand, this was nothing less than his ideal. Except it wasn’t the ideal.

___

Although the divorce had been your call, you had probably suffered the worst brunt of it. Being with Namjoon had been challenging, but at least you always had him at your side. When you had asked for the divorce, you had thought that the grass on the other side would be greener.

But it was a thought in vain.

The first time you had visited your regular supermarket, you had absentmindedly bought a ton of things that you would never use, but you had made it a habit to buy them for Namjoon. A special type of strawberry jam, his typical razor, the cookies he liked to eat with tea, a juice mix he had been waiting for a long time to buy but the supermarket had run out of stock. It was only when you had returned home that you had realised your mistake.

He had surely been surprised to see you at his door late in the night, a plastic bag in your hand, and Byul on your shoulders.

“Hi.”

“Hey!” He had smiled at Byul whose face had glown up with the same smile as her Appa, and stepped aside, asking you in.

“No, no I have to get back home. Just came to drop these.” You plopped the plastic bag in front of him. “I, umm, bought some stuff. Accidentally bought stuff you liked and then realised I have no use for them.” You laughed, so fake, trying to hide your embarrassment.

“Oh.”

He picked it up, and smiled again, “Thank you, Y/N-ah.”

“Umm, I’ll be on my way then.”

But Byul had started whining in broken words near your ear, “Appa, Appa please Eomma…” It broke your heart as you tried to shush her.

“Can I hold her?” He asked you, wistfully.

You looked up at him, stunned to say anything. Your brain short-circuited as your heart screamed to you, look what you’ve done, Y/N, her own father is asking for your permission to even hold her. “Yeah…” You slowly removed Byul from your shoulders, and placed her in Namjoon’s extended arms. He immediately engulfed her, his big body warming her up as she snuggled sleepily into Appa’s neck, her hands going round his body like it was a mountain she was trying to hold on to. “Please step in? I’ll just hold her for a while… I think she’ll fall asleep soon.” He peppered her hair with kisses, a fond smile on his face. You smiled at the sight, this was the best sight you had seen in the longest time. And you had dreamt about it for so long too- ever since you had found out about the pregnancy, you kept thinking of how Joon would be with his child- he would mould them into his little habits, fondly playing with tiny toys, going around zoos and parks to look at animals and plants, reading illustrated books together, their tiny body in contrast to his large one.

But now you had ruined your dream with your own hands.

You stepped into his house, and tiptoed to the sofa, where Namjoon currently sat down with Byul. After the divorce, you had continued to live in the house the two of you had shared earlier while Namjoon had moved into a new house closer to the BigHit building and the other boys. It was smaller than your house, and minimalistic to an extreme extent- just beautiful paintings from his private collection adorning the otherwise plain walls. His dog, Rap Mon, suddenly entered the room and climbed up the sofa to sit next to Namjoon and Byul. She giggled and instantly began petting it. Byul had probably been too young to remember playing with Moni as a child, but they had always shared a special bond. You muted your movements, careful to not spoil the moment. It was too precious to be spoiled. And too heartbreaking.

Joon looked at you just at the moment when tears spilled the threshold of your eyes. You immediately sniffed and wiped them away, whispering apologies. But then he had extended his arm to you and you had snuggled into his embrace, without thinking twice. It was probably wrong to do this, but you didn’t care. You couldn’t just sit in front of the love of your life and not want to be near him, especially when he was at his most vulnerable.

As soon as you had placed your head on his shoulder, he began stroking your hair, the same way he was doing to Byul. “My two favourite girls”, he would say. “And Eommoni?” you’d tease him, but he’d scrunch his nose and instantly reply, “She’s not in the list”, resulting in you giggling loudly.

The last thing you had remembered that night before falling asleep was that he smelt like you. It was probably because he was wearing your perfume on his sweatshirt.

___

Byul’s teacher somehow began regarding her as a special human species after she saw that her father was the Kim Namjoon. “Aah, Namjoon-ssi, I must tell you, your daughter is one of the brightest children in her class. She must have got that from you, considering that your intelligence is a well-known fact…” ending in a slight laugh, as she dropped her neckline even lower. A bitter taste spread in your mouth. He had always received such attention, and it had been quite easy for you to ignore it earlier when you were married. But now that… he was technically single, a silent fear rose in your heart. You quickly shooed it away to focus on the discussion Namjoon was having with the teacher, Byul carefully sitting in his lap, playing with her braids.

“I know she’s doing well in academics, but I also want to know how she’s faring in extra-curricular activities, like singing or art?” “Oh I know why you’re asking this, hmm”, the teacher wiggles her eyebrows with a smirk, as if she knows some secret that you don’t. Namjoon simply smiles, dimples on full display, and you feel that bitter taste again. You only notice that you’ve been biting your lower lip, when he grabs your hand, and squeezes it gently. He leans in and whispers, as the teacher rummages through some sheets to find something, “Stop looking like a pressure pot. You’re all red.” You realise he’s purposely turned on his charm, and it is actually producing results. The teacher shows you both all of Byul’s reports from the last term in her extra-curricular activities. As you dig into the details of her academic and extra-curricular records, Namjoon sits back into his chair, easing out as you take over the meeting.

Later, as you three sit in the cafeteria, he says, “Phew! She’s quite the flirt. Byul-ah, you have a funny teacher.” Joon winks at your daughter, who’s sipping on a milkshake. “No- she’s normally nice. Today she was funny.” As she slightly chokes on her drink while speaking, you pat her back trying to ease her, and you scold Joon, “Don’t talk to her while she’s drinking, Joon. Her drink goes down the wrong pipe.” He laughs at that. “What’s so funny!” “Nothing, the wording is funny.” “You’re finding everyone and everything amusing today. Even things which aren’t.” “Like her teacher’s behaviour?” “Yes like her teacher’s behaviour. Quite mean, I’d say, considering the mother of the child is right there and she’s ignoring me as if I’m non-existent.” “I’ve always had that effect on people, Y/N.” “The effect of reducing others to just background while you’re the focus?” “Yes. You know it all too well, Y/N-ah.” You become silent, suddenly remembering the party where you had met him for the first time. Hobi’s new album’s listening party. You had been unable to take your eyes off him, although you were there just as a family friend of Hobi’s. You would’ve never got the guts to approach him, but luck had favoured you, when he had casually sauntered up to you, and introduced himself to you, all grace and smiles even in the casual atmosphere. You knew then why his fans went so gaga over him.

“Yes, I know it all too well, Joonie.”

He didn’t notice your silent statement as Byul began poking him in his chest, right above his ever-growing pecs, “Appa, let’s go to the park near Youngjae’s house, please? She tells me it’s so pretty!” Her eyes widened as she began describing the park, and you noticed that Namjoon was equally invested into this conversation. You had never had been as fond of nature as he had been, and his traits had flown smoothly into his daughter’s blood. “Y/N, is it okay if we go there now?”

“Are you free to go now?”

“Yeah, I took the rest of the day off.”

“Okay then. Let’s go!” Father and daughter nearly bounced as they stood up, and you laughed to see their excitement. It made your frozen heart so warm.

___

“When will you stop being cruel to yourself, and just admit how you feel?” Sana asks you over another glass of wine, the two of you chilling out in her apartment as both Byul and her kids have fallen asleep in the kids’ bedroom after an intensely wild play-session, and her husband is out of town. “I don’t know what I feel, Sana.”

“Well, you certainly don’t feel like leaving him outside your door every night. And being heartbroken every time you see Byul because she looks exactly like him.”

“I know these things. I took the plunge despite knowing these things would happen. But you know as well as I do that the reasons why we split haven’t changed yet.”

“But other factors have worsened, Y/N.”

“Oh dear, stop talking like a scientist.” You both laughed, because Sana was actually a molecular chemistry scientist. The laugh broke your conversation, and you were further distracted by a text on your phone, as Sana stood up to bring some more snacks from the kitchen.

Hi Y/N-ie! Sorry if this is weird but- have you and Joon fought recently?

It was a text from Jimin. Another text quickly popped up below.

Aish, I��m sorry this is really out of the blue- I haven’t even visited y’all for some time. Sorry if you’re sleeping or uncomfortable.

You smiled at the continuous apologies, and you typed back a text.

No, Jimin, I’m awake, although Byul has fallen asleep! And if you’re gonna apologize so much, I’m seriously going to block your number.

He quickly sent another text.

Haha, sorry- oops I did it again, oh gosh!

You laughed at that, and again texted him to calm down. Then you saw the message that Jimin had sent first. Why would he think that you and Namjoon had fought? You had parted ways quite peacefully last evening when he had dropped you both home after your exploration of the park.

Nope… we haven’t fought. Is something wrong?

You waited for the reply, and it pinged up.

Oh. I assumed wrongly… he’s just a little sad. Idk he’s behaving the same way he did when you guys would quarrel earlier.

Sad?

Really? How is he behaving?

Again a pause.

He’s not talking, just staring at the world without seeing anything, and chugging down his drink. He couldn’t even record the song we were supposed to record today properly. He kept fumbling up the rap. Quite unusual on his part, that’s why I wanted to ask you.

Oh. This was really unusual. You had never known that he would react like this to your quarrels, and while it made you guiltily happy that your fights would affect him like this earlier, it spread a dark feeling in your mind now. Why was he behaving like this? What was on his mind?

Before you could reply, another text pinged up.

I’m didn’t want to bother you, Y/N. Just wondered out aloud, and I guess it's making you worry. Please don’t worry too much, we’ll take care of him. Goodnight!

You sighed. It was so truly Jimin to not want to make you worry. You fought the physical urge to walk out of Sana’s house and drive straight to wherever Namjoon was to hug and talk to him to bring him to a better mental state.

Instead, you walked up to Sana, into the kitchen. “Hey, see what Jimin just texted me.” As you showed her the chats, you felt a sinking feeling in your stomach. You were feeling so helpless and clueless. And a bad friend. A bad wife. A bad lover. A bad ex-wife even. You were just so, so pathetic.

And that’s why, when the tears started pouring out, you didn’t stop them. You just let Sana hold you in her arms, while you made her shoulder wet with your sobs. The pain just wouldn’t stop.

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hairmetal666 · 3 months

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Steve doesn't date, not anymore. He goes to bars, clubs, picks people up and makes it clear it's just for the night; that it can't, won't, be for anything more.

He falls too fast and too hard; wants so badly to be loved that he loses himself to it. So, he doesn't date and he's fine. More than fine, actually. Not worrying about finding someone, about falling in love, lets him truly enjoy his life; maybe for the first time since childhood.

He goes with Robin to visit her parents in Hawkins, wakes up at the ass crack of dawn to go for a run. With the sun barely up, he doesn't expect to come face-to-face with Eddie Munson, smoking on a park bench.

They startle each other in the early Hawkins quiet, Eddie jumping hard enough that he drops his cigarette into the dirt at his feet.

"Christ, Harrington!" He snarls a little.

"Fuck, Eddie." Steve fights to catch his breath. "What are you doing out this early?"

He glances up, finds Eddie's eyes raking over this body in a way that makes him go hot all over.

"Haven't been home yet." Eddie smirks. And he can see that's true, Eddie is fully dressed, faint lines of mascara trail across his cheeks.

"Had a show?"

"Something like that." Eddie's cheeks pink, and he pulls a chunk of hair over his face.

Understanding dawns, and Steve points at him, delighted laugh bubbling in his throat.

"Don't--"

"You had an all night Hellfire meeting?" Steve cackles.

"Shut--Harrington, shut-up." But he's smiling too. "I'm in town this weekend. Dustin insisted!"

"You can tell him no, you know?" Steve giggles.

"Like you ever could."

Eddie stands then, and they hug, quick and tight. He practically crumbles into his friend's body, but then, that's nothing new. Steve breathes him in, immediately comforted by the familiarity of tobacco and leather and sweat and weed.

"I'm at Rob's. Come say hi?"

Eddie nods and they trek back together. They kept in touch, after Vecna, and their chatting is easy, like it's not been six months since the last time.

Eddie stays for breakfast tells them with a smile, "I was gonna call but--I'm moving to Chicago. That's why I'm crashing at Wayne's for now, stopped on the way--"

The rest of his words are smothered by the force of Steve and Robin's hug, Steve's heart beating an elated rhythm he doesn't bother investigating.

When Eddie makes it to town, they hang out as constantly as an adult with a day job and a touring musician can. It's nice, good, to see Eddie sitting on their couch. To watch him smoke a joint on the balcony. To hangout in his bed as he works on new music. It's just like the summer of '86, before they all went off to find their futures.

They're closer than they've ever been. Crashing at each other's apartments, sharing clothes, meeting for coffee and drinks and meals. There's not a day or night when they're free that they don't spend together.

Steve knows he's falling for Eddie; was halfway there already, and now--well, Eddie's beautiful and funny and smart and talented. He doesn't make a move, though. Because Eddie'll leave, like they all do, and losing Eddie will crush him more than anyone else ever has.

In June, Eddie's gone for a month, touring across the midwest. The day he's expected back, Steve's in the kitchen, rolling up fresh pasta, simmering sauce on the stove.

Robin stomps in, eyes flashing. "What are you doing?"

"Making dinner?" Steve raises an eyebrow.

"Steve."

"Robin."

They glare at each other across the kitchen. Steve breaks first. "What's wrong with making our friend dinner?"

"I don't want either of you to get hurt."

Steve freezes, swallows. "I'm not--I'm--I wouldn't."

"Just. Promise you'll be careful?"

He nods, squeezes his hands into fists. "Course, Rob."

And he means it, he really does, but when Eddie lets himself in, Steve runs to the doorway to pull his friend into a tight hug.

Eddie huffs out a burst of air on impact, laughing lightly. "Miss me, sweetheart?"

"So much," Steve whispers. He presses his nose into Eddie's neck, breathing him in, and he doesn't miss the way a kiss is pressed into his hair, the way Eddie's breathing him in too.

They fall into their natural rhythm immediately, Eddie following him to the kitchen, cooing and posturing that Steve made him dinner.

As Steve serves up the food, Eddie wraps his arms around his waist, leaning against his back. God help him, but Steve can't help relax into the hold, turning his head until their eyes meet.

Desire bleeds from Eddie's gaze, and Steve's breath hitches. He wants this so badly, knows he shouldn't, but he lets himself lean in until they share air.

But--he can't lose Eddie. He can't.

He turns away, lets the moment die. Eddie doesn't stay over that night, and Steve pretends like it doesn't make his stomach hurt.

They aren't as close after that.

Steve keeps telling himself it's because they're busy. The school year's starting up, Steve's got lesson plans to write; Eddie made an EP, it got interest, he's taking meetings in New York and LA. It's okay that they're spending less time together.

Until Eddie stops returning his calls.

He tries not to worry. But one call becomes two, becomes three, and he can't help it. He goes over, dread a knot in his stomach. Eddie opens the door, and he's shirtless with sweatpants slung low on his hips, hair loose and streaming around his shoulders. He looks happy.

"Steve? What are you--"

"You weren't answering my calls, and--can I come in?"

Eddie winces. "It's not a good time, Harrington."

He stands there for a second, stung, not sure what to say.

"Eddie, I--"

"Babe?" A voice calls from inside the apartment. "Who's at the door?"

Steve freezes. Can't think, can't move. He hopes it isn't obvious that his heart is shattering, but Eddie's blinking at him, panic written in the lines gathering on his forehead.

"Steve, Stevie, please," Eddie is saying, but he can't do this. He can't do this.

He walks away, all the way home, numb to everything around him.

The phone's ringing when he gets to the apartment. He ignores it. Goes to his room, locks himself in, crawls into bed.

The phone keeps ringing. He keeps ignoring it.

It isn't supposed to be like this. They weren't dating, weren't trying for a relationship; Eddie's supposed to be his. He curls into himself, sobs until his ribs hurt, until his eyes are as heavy as his heart, and he falls asleep.

Steve startles awake, disoriented, to someone knocking on his bedroom door. He has no idea what time it is, how long he slept, but he expects Robin to be waiting in the hall.

It's Eddie. Hair in a messy bun, face flushed, eyes too bright.

"I'm sorry," falls out of Steve's mouth before he can think of anything else.

"Steve, I--I don't--" Eddie shakes his head. "Do you want to be in a relationship with me?"

"Yes," Steve whispers. "But I can't lose you, Eddie."

Eddie reaches out, slender hand, cupping Steve's jaw. "I need you to really listen when I say this, sweetheart. You will never, ever lose me. Not a chance."

"You can't know that," Steve says. Tears break free, cascade down his cheeks. "I used to think who could ever leave me? You know, back before Nancy. But I realized that actually no one would stay. And I can't--with you I can't--"

"Sweetheart," Eddie chokes on a sob. "I'm yours. Have been for years. I will never, ever leave you, no matter what we are to each other. But I can't be in some of a relationship with you. You have me wrapped around your finger, and I--I need it all, Steve."

"I want you to have it, Eddie." He presses his hand to his heart. "This belongs to you, but I--I couldn't survive you leaving."

"I would stay, Steve. I will. I promise on everything I have, everything I am, that you would never, ever lose me."

Steve stumbles into Eddie's arms, totally gone, and their mouths meet in a clumsy kiss. It wrecks Steve, tears him apart, renders him down to his smallest parts only to build him back together. He knows now for certain that there is no one else in the world for him.

They break apart, but don't move out of each other's orbit. "I love you," Steve whispers.

"Stevie, sweetheart, I love you more than anything." His fingers wind their way into Steve's hair, gentle, holding him. "I promise you'll have me for forever--fuck, longer than forever. My soul will find yours wherever we end up. I swear it."

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