saera cuz i’m bored at work
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#4
I think I might be useless. Wait maybe not completely, I know that I can draw and that I do that well enough to go somewhere with it. I think I just feel useless. I don’t have any direction or motivation or drive to do anything but sleep and think about the things I could be doing. I’m paralyzed from the second I wake up to the second I fall asleep again, which is usually a five minute period if last week has anything to prove. I hate thinking so sleeping shuts it off, it’s definitely a jump in logic, definitely not a good one, but one I can’t do anything about.
I have a class that I’m taking and it’s one that’s been on my must-take list since I started art school. Hell, I even emailed the teacher “I will bring my own chair if needed” and I got in. But out of the past 5 weeks I’ve gone to two of the classes. Out. Of. Fear. Absolutely mind numbing anxiety every time I think about this class and what I have to do. With my illustration and 3D design, I will happily share and display my work for critique, even if I’m not proud of how it turned out I’m confident enough in my skills to show it off anyway. It’s not like that with this other class, I would rather tear off my ears and eat them with fork than present anything I have to offer in that class. I’m not happy when I think about it and I feel trapped. it’s not like I’m bad I’m just a beginner and so is everyone else so why can’t I do it and they can????????????? It hurts in a way that my chest feels compressed, my throats closing and that I’m about to vomit. I don’t like it. I don’t know what to do. ✨I’m struggling.✨
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"But if college was free, then people would abuse that and get useless degrees" hell yeah I would! If I could go to college without debt I would make it my job to get a degree in every little thing that interested me. I'd get a doctorate in film studies. I'd have a bachelor's degree for every science I like. I'd try to learn at least 5 languages with varying results. I would learn something "useful" like coding and then follow it up with a ""useless"" degree like art history. I'd be the world record speed run holder for getting every degree possible.
But I can't afford college without going into massive debt, so instead I spent the last 5 years trying to figure out what I am passionate enough about to consider going into debt over, because unfortunately being passionate about everything is extremely expensive to pursue.
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I hope Tommy never leaves I hope he’s Eddie’s Best Man at the Buddie Wedding I hope he gives a toast mentioning that he’s the reason this finally happened I hope he and Chimney and Eddie still hang out I hope he takes Buck to things that Eddie isn’t that interested in the same way he takes Eddie to fights, I hope we find out what his dynamic is with Hen and Bobby and Ravi, I hope he gets a place in that little 118 family he was so jealous of
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got told by one of my classmates today that I have a baby face that has seen some shit and ngl that describes me perfectly
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I fully brought up and discussed the Minecraft end poem in class today, and it was relevant to the discussion. As such, I get participation credit for it- a win for me
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Prompt 261
“So is no one going to talk about the eldritch space child or…”
“I mean, do you want to get between a child and Batman? I think the only one who could even get close right now is Superman…”
“No you’re right, I think- oh my god the eldritch space child is playing with batman’s bat-ears and he’s not doing anything about it what the fuck I thought only Robins could get away with that-”
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