adhdmommanl

[adhdmommanl]

February 5th, 2024.

I’ve have had some memories come back to me about the boyfriend I had at age 14, he was 20, almost 21… I am having the realization that I was sexually assaulted. That people close to me, as well as him….adults, knew… and did nothing.

I’m actually processing it quite well(I think). I Had one of those good for the soul days with ✨my people✨, crying and pouring it all out into the universe and the memories came OVERWHELMINGLY rushing to the surface.

My story just spewing from my mouth like an over boiling kettle.

I remember him adding me on MSN messanger when I was 14…(June 2005), he had gotten my info through a “mutual friend”, who was 15 or 16 years old at the time.

He had received a black and white photo of me, cuddling into a stuffed Mickey Mouse teddy bear. He thought I was cute. He asked me what type of alcohol I liked and he invited me and my “friend” to a party where he would of course supply all of the alcohol, because he was a gentleman.

He took my virginity that night. I didn’t even understand what that meant. I didn’t understand what sex even meant. Had he worn a condom? I don’t know the answers to the endless questions I had.

I’m having all of these memories come back and I’m so upset by them. However, it’s strange. It’s as if I’m sad for the little kid me. Not the ME that I am today.

I feel so sad that she wasn’t protected. I know that it’s not my fault, because I was a child. I was a little kid. And this adult man took advantage of my innocence and vulnerable family situation. Knowingly feeding alcohol to a minor with the intent of sex.

I also have memories of disturbing pornography on his computer throughout our 11-12 year relationship that ensued. However, I remember being too afraid to come forward to anyone. Or bringing it up to him, in fear of repercussions from him.

But the next steps is where I’m frozen and feel like I can’t move. Do I report it now? Is it possible to report it?

He is married with a little girl on the way. He is the step father to a young girl.

And I am left with the aching memory of crying in that man’s bathroom, covered in dried up blood, fighting back tears, with the disgusting and dizzying taste of blue REV on my breath. I am left to accept the fact that I was a victim of sexual assault.

As I sit about the press post, I recognize the date. It’s his birthday today. I wonder does he recall the day that impacted my life so disturbingly much? Does he know the pain he caused?

HOPE.

Hold on, Pain Ends.

You are stronger than your hardest moments. 🌻

IG; @ToTheRecoveringSoul

#abuse survivor #mental health #recovery #friendsofbill #soberliving #self care #sexualassault #triggerwarning #self love #healing trauma #ToTheRecoveringSoul

[adhdmommanl]

✧･ﾟplaylists to help pass the time *:･✧

hi everyone! it’s been a while since i made a huge playlist masterpost, but i thought that right now when we’re all stuck inside wondering what to do with our time i would make a list of all my playlists. listening to music is so calming and definitely helps me pass the time…so enjoy! - cam

songs that remind me of a fashion show 

a mix of songs that remind me of driving down the coast 

a playlist dedicated to paris 

songs that inspire me 

a dreamy mix

songs to listen to when you feel carefree

a super fun workout/running playlist to keep you pumped up 

songs to listen to during golden hour 

a mix of songs to listen to on a sunny day 

a playlist full of songs that make me feel alive 

songs that remind me of my teenage years 

a study/coffee shop playlist to keep you calm 

songs to listen to on the weekend 

songs that make me feel like living in the moment 

a friday kinda mix !

songs that remind me of a warm spring evening 

a mix dedicated to nature 

my all-time favorite songs all in one playlist 

songs that remind me of flowers and sunshine 

a 12-hour long playlist of songs that make me feel nostalgic 

songs that remind me of going back to school 

my ultimate summertime playlist 

songs that make me feel like i’m in a movie 

upbeat songs to get ready to in the morning 

songs i’m currently loving & listening to right now

a playlist dedicated to italy and all its wonders 

songs that are soft and delicate 

a mix to listen to while watching the sunrise / sunset 

a playlist for a rainy and stormy day 

songs to listen to when you wake up ! 

another nature playlist because why not?! 

a monday playlist to make your monday more enjoyable 

my springtime playlist 

songs that are bittersweet 

my girl power anthems playlist 

for the daydreamers 

songs that remind me of the spirit of traveling & exploring 

a mix to listen to before bed 

songs to listen and dance to in your kitchen 

a super fun 70s playlist 

relaxing songs for a sunday 

songs that remind me of wintertime 

for people who love the east coast 

for people who love the west coast 

a mix of lo fi beats 

songs to listen to in your car at night 

fresh finds (new songs every monday!)

the ultimate sing along playlist 

an indie playlist 

the perfect road trip / daily commute mix 

a super studious playlist to keep you extra focused 

songs that remind me of the beach 

a mix of songs to listen to when you’re j chillin

songs that remind me of a trip to outer space !

listen to this when you’re in love 

songs for stargazing…

the perfect autumn playlist 

songs that make my heart flutter 

a mix of carefree & happy tunes 

the grooviest 80s playlist around 

a mix of golden oldies 

listen to this if you like rap / r&b 

another workout playlist !

a mix of fun, upbeat songs to dance to 

a playlist inspired by call me by your name

a coming of age playlist 

a mix of songs that deserve more hype 

songs for all the main characters out there 

a mix inspired by the king harry styles

songs that make me feel angelic 

a dark academia playlist 

a spooky halloween mix !

a playlist inspired by dystopian novels

a special cottagecore playlist 

a light academia playlist

songs to listen to while looking at the moon

songs to cry to at 3am

concept: you’re a princess late to the annual ball 

a playlist inspired by the magic of hogwarts 

a self-care playlist for those who are healing <3

[adhdmommanl]

Grief in addiction is relentless.

It hits you when you least expect it. When you’re driving out the road, a smile on your face, the sun is shining… it’s been a great day… but a song comes on and a wave of emotions hit you. Immediately you want to drown them. I don’t want to feel the pain, I don’t want to cry anymore. My whole body and soul is exhausted and drained of all energy. I just want peace. How is this my life? Crying alone in the bathroom? Having no will to do anything. No drive to wrap Christmas gifts. No Christmas spirit to fill the house with excitement and I feel like a failure as a parent because I can’t bring that Christmas magic to my house this year. My grief is too heavy. My addiction is relentless and I am completely powerless. I do not know where to turn I just know it can’t be a substance.

#self care #mental health #recovery #soberliving #dealing with grief #tw grief #grief/mourning #grieving #coping with grief #narcotics anonymous

[adhdmommanl]

#self care #mental health #recovery #soberliving #narcotics anonymous #one day at a time #just for today

[adhdmommanl]

“You think attention is love, and that’s why you suffer so deeply.”

— Unknown

[adhdmommanl]

Do you think I am strong?

When I am reaching for another baggy to suffocate my pain

Do you think I am strong?

When I sit in silence for hours, staring at a blank wall, anxiety crippling me so much I can not move.

Do you think I am strong?

When I have to pull in on the side of the road because the tears are so thick I can not see the road ahead of me.

Do you think I am strong?

When the impulsive behaviour takes over

Do you think I am strong?

When my internal voice depletes my self worth and makes me feel like I am living a life that is not mine.

Do you think I am strong?

When I question how much pain one can endure before they crumble

Do you think I am strong?

If I finally give in & let myself fall to the ground and stay laying for a while.

Still. Thoughtless. Emotionless.

Do you still think I’m strong?

- ADHDMOMMANL

#self care #abuse survivor #adhd #momlife #mental health #recovery #mental abuse #narcissistic abuse #strength #soberliving #sobriety #soberlife #clean and sober #depression #poetry #poem #original poem

[adhdmommanl]

Grief is a strange thing.

I lost my mom to suicide 11 days ago. September 15th. A day that will be forever engrained in my head.

I am now the guardian of my little sister.

I am the executor of her estate.

I am the one who keeps getting told to be strong for your brother and sister. Be strong for your daughter. You’re the role model. You’re the mother figure now. Stay strong. Get your shit together. And keep it together. But also help everyone else get their shit together. Oh and make sure you keep working on your own mental health. Don’t forget that exam you need to do for work.. you know, that one that’s a requirement. The one that if you don’t pass you don’t have a job anymore? Yeah. That one.

Oh and also navigate your little girls grief and make sure you don’t fuck her up like your mom fucked you up.

This isn’t fair. Life isn’t fucking fair. How strong can one person be expected to be?

#narcissistic abuse #self care #adhd #momlife #mental health #recovery #suicide awareness #triggerwarning

[adhdmommanl]

[adhdmommanl]

You don't have to magically convince yourself that everything is ok and that it isn't so bad. You're allowed to hurt and mourn and be unhappy. You just have to keep going. You have to not give up. It's just, you don't have to like it, you don't have to find non existent motivation or positivity. Holding on is enough.

[adhdmommanl]

July 31

I’m trying this new thing where whenever I want to send a text message to him, or I think a thought about him, I switch the narrative.

For example

Instead of:

Fuck this is so hard. Every morning I wake up hoping to see a message from you. A missed call. Literally anything. And my heart breaks a little more. I miss you and love you so much.

I’m going to try this :

Wow! Another day without you. Every morning I wake up so glad that I am free of you and your manipulation. To have no insulting text messages or voicemails. To not have to question if you stayed sober. Or if you stayed faithful. I am free. I am going to be okay. I love myself enough to know I deserve better.

•

•

•

I mean, the first text message is still the one that ended up being sent. But I’m taking it minute by minute. Trauma bonds are a real struggle. And this is me trying to learn a new way of thinking, of handling stress, basically a new way of life for me.

But one deep breath after another. One minute at a time. I’ve got this.

#abuse survivor #narcissistic abuse #self care #adhd #momlife #mental abuse #mental health #recovery

[adhdmommanl]

[adhdmommanl]

🪻

healing is personal...

...and it's a process.

you don't have to share it. you don't have to hide it. you don't have to speak about it. you don't have to do it a particular way.

all you need to do, is acknowledge it from time to time. let yourself feel it. affirm it to your mind, even if it's only 1% better right now.

don't ignore the efforts of your existence ✨

[adhdmommanl]

I don’t know if I’m a religious person or not.

But please god, please!!! Stop throwing things into my life to see if I can handle them. I always have and I always will, but I am so tired.

I’m so tired of being in fight or flight mode every day of my life. I’m tired of loving a person who is incapable of loving me back.

I want this trauma bond to be broken. I want to be released from this fucking prison I’m in.

Where is the map to anywhere else but here? Is there a magic fucking word? Do I need to do a rain dance? Because I fucking will!!!!

I feel like I’m drowning, taking in gulps at a rapid pace.

I’m holding on by a god Damn thread. the only thing keeping me going is my little girl and just the thought of maybe, just maybe, someday will be magically healed and find a love I deserve.

But right now all I feel is as though someone, likely, that narcissistic son of a bitch, has me by the leg and is dragging me under water further and further by each passing moment.

Where do I begin? How do I begin? I just want to feel okay.

#abuse survivor #narcissistic abuse #self care #adhd #mentally exhausted #mental abuse #mental health #recovery #trauma bonding

[adhdmommanl]

As more and more details come in about his lies and deception… I feel numb. Then I feel heart ache. Then the overwhelming feeling over violation comes to light.

I have spent the last 3 years living a lif with a complete stranger. I feel disgusting. I feel used. I feel as though I’ve slept with a stranger who has violated me beyond repair.

How does one cope with the fact that a person you LOVED, whole heartedly. With every fibre of your body. Turns out to be a complete and total stranger? Having done things beyond your wildest imagination?

How do I recover from this?

How do I not allow him to take anything else away from me.

#abuse survivor #narcissistic abuse #self care #adhd #momlife #recovery

[adhdmommanl]

Your soul knows. It will literally tell you when it's time to start a new chapter of your life. Trust it.

[adhdmommanl]

I find the weekends incredibly difficult, exhausting, chaotic and over stimulating.

Not only do I have to fill my day with some sort of structure. To keep my ADHD symptoms at bay & my addiction and commitment to sobriety in check. But I also have to keep my tiny little human happy, make sure she drinks, make sure I drink, make sure she eats, make sure I eat, make sure she pees, make sure I pee. Is she having fun? Oh no… she’s not having fun. I’m a terrible parent. Okay focus. She’s laughing and grabbing my cheeks and saying MOMMY!! LETS GET ON THE SWINGS!! … I push her, she giggles and squeals… that’s too high MOMMY!!! Okay, off the swings. She wants a snack. Oh no it’s almost supper time! What are we eating? Do we have vegetables? Shit. I forgot to get groceries. Fuck. How do I not have fresh fruit and vegetables for my kid? I’m such a shitty mom.

In the blink of an eye it’s time to get ready for bed. Quick bath, brush her teeth, brush my teeth, make sure she pees. Shit! Did I eat Today?

Then there’s a moment of sweet perfection where we are snuggling in bed and I am singing her to sleep and my mind is quiet. I am content.

But as I sneak out her bedroom door and close it quietly behind me. The chaos between my ears begins again.

Fight or flight mode. Always going going going. There is never any rest. There is never and peace. The room may be quiet but inside my head is like being lost and disoriented in Times Square at 11:59pm on New Year’s Eve. Complete and utter chaos

#abuse survivor #narcissistic abuse #self care #momlife #motherhood #adhd thoughts #adhd problems #adhd #adhdlife #adhd post

[adhdmommanl]

I have never felt a song so loudly, deeply and passionately in my soul.

#self care #narcissistic abuse #relation #abuse mention #abuse survivor #music therapy #music #healing #healingjourney #healing journal