cocospoetrybook

[cocospoetrybook]

who i am and what i want - an original poem

i don’t know who i am i don’t know what i want

i know i’m a person who wants to know the answer to both

i know i’m a person who’s curious

but my curiosity mainly manifests itself as searching for answers about myself

i know i am self aware

but at a certain point of self awareness you realise you know nothing

but i want to know things

i want to be smart

i am smart

but not as smart as i will be when i learn everything i want to know

but i don’t know what i don’t know

so how will i ever learn it

i want to be kind

i am kind

but not as kind as i could be if i knew how everyone else felt

but how everyone else feels is not something i could teach my from a text book

and trying to give people grace so i can learn how they feel so i can be as kind as i want to be leaves me unkind to myself

i want to be strong

i am strong but not as strong as i could be if i learnt to stand up for myself

but standing up for myself means making more room for people to call me self righteous which makes me question who i am

i let get to me

making me weaker

it’s all so paradoxical

it’s all so comical

but i think mostly i want to be a person who is okay with not knowing who i am

i want to be in a place where i can just be

but i still don’t know who i am so i don’t know if thats really what i want

what i know is what i don’t know and what i don’t know is everything

so does that make me everything

or maybe i’m already just who i am

and who i am is innately curious

#poetblr #female poets #poem #poems and poetry #poet corner #poetry writing #poets on tumblr #spoken word poetry #my poem #self reflection

[cocospoetrybook]

natural talent - an original poem

i have always envied people with a natural born talent,

because the most interesting thing about me is the things i have been through,

i am nothing more than these broken parts strung together by stories and jokes i hand crafted,

melodies sung to the tune of my screams,

i am told i write beautifully.

passionately.

extraordinarily.

i am told people find my words moving.

profound.

inspired.

i get told my poems are special,

that i am a talented poet,

but all i have to write about is the things i have been through,

the only words i know how to speak are insults to myself hidden deceptively behind the concept of self awareness,

my only talent is talking about how i allowed myself to be an emotional punching bag,

and so why would i want to get better when this is my only natural talent?

the only thing that makes me anything at all.

#poetblr #female poets #poems and poetry #poet corner #poetry writing #poets on tumblr #spoken word poetry #my poem #poem #trauma #toxic relationship

[cocospoetrybook]

vanity - an original poem

i am high maintenance,

i take hours getting ready before leaving my house,

this routine is something i hold close to me,

it means the world to me,

people call this vanity,

but vanity goes hand in hand with pride and i was taught that pride is a sin so now i feel evil,

but i am still attached to preforming these little acts of up keeping my appearance,

and people call me silly and laugh as they watch me touch up my lipgloss and move around my hair for the millionth time,

but caring so much about my own appearance is something i was taught to need,

and became something i learn to love,

and people roll their eyes as i pull out my mascara and put on more perfume,

but it makes me feel safe and gives my hands something to do,

they mutter under their breaths as they watch me use my phone camera to check how i look,

unknowing that i was taught to practice self love in a mirror at a time when i hated myself so deeply ,

and while it didn’t work the way i wish it had it became a habit regardless,

and so now i sit in front of my vanity table,

rubbing in products and shaping my face how i want it,

not because i think looking different will make me any more bareable to myself,

but because this routine became something of a comfort to me,

a place i could be something other than my self critical self.

#poetblr #female poets #poems and poetry #poem #poet corner #poetry writing #poets on tumblr #spoken word poetry #my poem #my poems #poemsbyme #poemsociety #vanity

[cocospoetrybook]

pretty poem - an original poem

i told you i write poetry and so you asked me to write you a poem

but my poetry isn’t usually the peaceful type

it isn’t the soft spoken words people think of when they imagine the works of a poet

my poems are dark and twisty

they are brooding and angry

they are the product of my own self dissection

soliloquies of my own self distain

but for you i really tried to write something pretty

i wrote an anthology of poems for you about the sea and how its beauty reminds me of you

about the stars i see in the night sky that dont burn nearly as bright as you

about the sun and how her warmth well she reminds me of you

i wrote of the honey and the bees that made it

because you were just as sweet

i wrote of these truely beautiful creations because everything about you screamed lovely and all the thing i was not

for you i really tried to be a pretty writer

and im really sorry that it didn’t work out

#love poetry #love poem #poetblr #poems and poetry #poetry writing #poets on tumblr #spoken word poetry #female poets #poetry #poems #poetscommunity

[cocospoetrybook]

GOING TO AN OPEN MIC NIGHT TO READ SOME OF MY POETRY ON TUESDAY IM EXCITED

[cocospoetrybook]

woman - an original poem

my emotions are silly, erratic, immature,

bigger than myself

make more of an impact than myself

but i am such a girls girl that people think that it’s

fitting for me to be such a woman

they roll their eyes at my antics but never think more of them

they will make passive comments they think i’m too dumb to understand but still find it in themselves to find my breakdowns adorable

the world love to see crying women

overly emotional crying women

overly feminine crying women

and i do

i cry when i’m sad

and i cry when i’m mad

and i cry when i’m happy

so i sit in my pink clothes in my bed with my pink sheets and fix up my nails so that when i experience emotions it continues to be seen as cute and childish

i complain with my friends about the things we believe in so strongly because the world will never see it as anything except us needlessly gossiping

and i sit and write my silly little poems with flowery language and metaphors that these men will never understand

but they find it sweet non the less that i feel so passionate

and they sit and laugh when ever i say the word ‘like’ in a sentence when talking

and it angers me and they find that funny too

because they love to see women cry

and despite my personal protests i will always be the image men see when the hear the word woman!

added some pictures to brake up the poem from this bit <3

just wanted to say this poem means a lot to me because being a fem presenting person my entire life a lot of my physical and mental health struggles were over looked.

and i still have a very vivid memory of when i was 14 and my paediatric consultant turned around and told me “i think your just an over emotional teenage girl with a bad period” and he sent me away and ignored me for another 2 years untill i turned 16 when he entered me into adult health services.

as a result of this my physical health was ignored for too long and 2 months before i turned 17 i not only became a full time wheelchair user and was told i would never walk again but i also had a big operation and coded shortly after coming out from the aesthetic.

i was lucky to have a different doctor by this point because had i been with the same doctor he probably wouldnt have done anything.

but it could have all been avoided in the first place if not for that paediatrician dismissing me just for being so feminine.

#feminism #female health care #medical trauma #womanhood #my poems #poem #female poets #female anger

[cocospoetrybook]

darling we’re exactly like the moon and the sun

perfect lovers

with imperfect amounts of distance

metaphorically your on one half of the world

and i’m on the other

perhaps i’ll see you

when you begin to rise.

[cocospoetrybook]

There is a cramp, a pain in her lower back, with fever, weakness, and vaginal bleeding. Help is what she’s seeking, but when the doctor starts speaking, she realizes “I may die. I should have tried to drive out of state cause some politicians have decided my fate, and it is too late for me to migrate.”

Trans is the new gay and it still isn’t safe to be queer in a red state. If you dress in drag or seek medical attention, if you even try to acknowledge your own existence you can be punished severely.

A coyote comes to take her son to the states, so he can be safe, but she hasn’t heard from him in days. The smuggler rapes then leaves a human being dead in the grass, cause no one is going to ask what happened to a migrant kid.

Today, child labor is real, but doesn’t pay enough for a child to get by, so migrant kids are left in debt, owing their traffickers, sponsors, and employers a lotta of money, in sharecropping style.

The cops are still trying to kill black people, daily lynchings in the news, are pure evil but by not prosecuting it because of qualified immunity, America makes it legal.

It all blends and bleeds as one more news feed becomes an amalgamation of struggles we are facing and the oppressive forces coming for our fellow humans.

There is no hope or happy ending for the lives in danger if we don’t start defending humans at any cost, if we are not willing to put our bodies between those who deem to demean and prioritize ruining people’s lives with hates speech and ludicrous lies.

-2023

[cocospoetrybook]

do you? - an original poem

lately i have been thinking a lot about forgiveness,

and i find myself wondering if you ever feel an overwhelming sense of guilt when you think of me like i feel an overwhelming sense of dread?

do you feel any amount of regret for how you treat me like i regret how i didn’t stop you?

i wonder if you feel even a shred of remorse for the masses of anger i now hold within me?

i wonder if you ever think of me at all like i so often think about you?

do you sit and imagine what i look like now,

what i do with my days now,

who i love now?

and i ask myself do you have nightmares of what you did like me?

do your actions haunt you like they do me?

do you wish you could run into me to tell me your sorry the same way i wish i could tell you i dont forgive you?

because i don’t,

i will never forgive you,

for as long as i can speak i will tell you how much i dont forgive you,

for as long as i can hold a pen i will write you poems upon poem about how i won’t forgive you,

for as long as i can breath i will never give you an ounce of forgiveness,

you will have to cope with the sleepless nights,

cope with the heavy conscience,

live knowing you turned me i to this,

and for that i will never forgive you.

#forgiveness #trauma #ptsd #female anger #poet corner #poem #female poets #angry poetry

[cocospoetrybook]

please text me back - an original poem about my bpd and experiencing having a favourite person

i’m so sorry to any person who i have ever found myself attached to.

i apologise for burdening you with my affection.

being loved by me must be exhausting.

but i hope you know that it’s just as exhausting if not more actually being me.

let me quickly explain every thought going through my head over the course of any conversation we have ever had through dms.

the second i wake up i text you it takes me 5 minutes to decide how to word it.

good morning,

exclamation mark!

no to open you might not feel the need to respond.

good morning how are you smiley face.

get rid of the smiley face

you may be sad or mad and the happy nature might make it worse

maybe i shouldn’t say good morning just morning.

okay

morning how are you

do i add a question mark or does that seem too formal?

i’m just going to send it.

it takes you 3 minutes to open the message

i know because i say moving my eye from the dm to the time at the top of my phone until i watched the delivered turn to seen.

it takes you 14 seconds exactly to type out your response

i counted them.

“hi i’m good.”

you didn’t ask how i was back.

i’m now wondering if you care about me at all.

you don’t do you?

you hate me don’t you?

if you despise me just tell me!

if you are annoyed i messaged you could just say that!

you only replied out of obligation and we both know it!

fine!

whatever!

it was stupid anyway!

you’re stupid anyway!

i don’t care anyway!

“hbu”

oh.

okay.

it’s fine.

im fine.

we’re fine.

still you only typed out 3 letters not the full sentence.

you put as little energy as you possibly could into acknowledging my existence but i’m choosing to ignore that.

i reply with

i’m good thank you do you have any plans for today.

it takes you half an hour to see the message and you tell me you have work.

i see the notification but i don’t open it i don’t want to seem to eger.

instead i set a timer for 60 minutes then i can message you back.

oh cool

exclamation point

i hope you have a good shift

heart emoji

how long is it going to be

question mark

also sorry i didn’t respond until now i hadn’t seen the message.

it’s now been an hour of me checking my phone every 2 minutes just incase i missed your message.

but you didn’t reply.

you didn’t even open it.

because you hate me…

you despise me.

you are actively trying to find ways to cut me out your life!

well fine i can make it easier!

i could block you right now so you don’t have too i’m sure you would just love that!

or better yet i could die right now so you never have to say another word to me and you never run the risk of pumping into me in the street when we both know you hate me so much!

and maybe it would make you respond quicker if you knew this is what i was thinking right now!

you might even feel guilty for how much you cant stand to be around me!

but equally i then wouldn’t be able to see your response if you did then reply.

so i guess maybe i shouldn’t.

and it occurs to me only then that maybe i was being a little bit silly.

maybe that was semi irrational.

maybe i have somewhat lost my mind.

but i don’t have time to think of that while i’m still counting the minutes it takes for you to open my fucking message like i’m meant to be counting my breaths.

when you reply it’s 8 hours later,

and i am emotionally drained from repeating that last step several times over.

“Hey, just got back from work.

I’m Ok.”

that was it.

that was all that i had drove myself crazy to receive.

you didn’t even ask how i was.

and i don’t get why you just don’t care.

and on the inside i’m going insane.

i am filled with anger but i don’t want to scare you away so instead i type out

hey i missed you,

exclamation mark!

i hope you had a good day

smiley face emoji,

back track

i hope you are had an amazing day!

also not to sound annoying but i noticed in your last message you put ok instead of okay also you capitalised the o normally you only use lower case are we still cool?

tears are streaming down my face and you don’t know that.

my breathing is uneven and you are unaware of that

so when you reply with

“my day was good thank you.

also obviously we’re still cool why wouldn’t we be

laughing face emoji”

i once again notice you still haven’t asked me about my day.

and now you are laughing at my insecurity while i have been crying for hours.

but im too tired to fight so if you say we’re fine im sure we are.

so i just say

sorry it doesn’t matter just had a bad day is all i was probably just reading into things you know how i can be.

it takes you 30 seconds to see it.

and it takes you a minute to reply.

i counted.

stop apologising we have been over this it’s getting really annoying constantly having to give you so much reassurance sometimes being around you is just so draining.

this time i don’t reply.

i just sit and sob.

because yeah it is so fucking draining.

and i already know that

and i don’t ever get to take a break.

#bpd things #bpd favorite person #bpd stuff #actually bpd #poemsociety #my poem #poem by me #poems on tumblr #poetblr #poet corner #poets corner

[cocospoetrybook]

a poem i wrote back in december just before my birthday

turning 20 - an original poem

it is my 20th birthday this week and I have never felt more childish,

I was always told I was mature for my age,

but I feel like I know less now than I did at 13,

yet simultaneously I feel like I am eternally, trapped at age 14,

it feels both like so much has changed and nothing at all,

while it feels time has flown by, every day felt like it was never going to end,

the only reason looking back at it feels like yesterday is because for me nothing has changed,

nothing ever changes,

I am still the same self destructive, ever disruptive, ruiningly impulsive, counter-productive person I was 6 years ago,

my haphazard attempts to grow up have all been futile,

but don’t mistake this as me claiming to be youthful,

it is far from that,

I had age forced upon me as a child,

no,

i am lost,

i am scared,

I am angry.

I am both prideful and terrified of the person I was,

the person I became and still am,

the person I will become when time starts moving again,

I am different but the exact same,

I swapped out my bad habits for things more age appropriate,

but the underlying reason,

the way I am a hindrance to myself,

the way I am merely a product of my own hubris, stays the same,

the only difference now is I don’t have immaturity to blame it on,

my instability is no ones fault but my own and I don’t know how to change that,

I don’t know how to be an adult when I never got to be a child,

I am very aware of my own short comings,

I am aware of my own inadequacy,

but self awareness is a problem in and of itself,

because being aware of a problem doesnt make it go away,

now I’m just self loathing too.

now i despise myself too,

but it’s my birthday on Wednesday and I will order desert at the restaurant,

which is something I would not have done at age 14.

#birthday #poem #spoken poetry #poetscommunity #poet corner #poemsbyme #growing up

[cocospoetrybook]

if i could talk to the moon

she’d tell me about the sun

and i’d tell her all about you

[cocospoetrybook]

suddenly - an original poem

and suddenly it all became too much

and suddenly i hated you

and suddenly i hated myself

and suddenly i couldn’t talk to my mother anymore

and suddenly i couldnt look at old photos of me without crying

and suddenly i didnt know how to be a person anymore

and suddenly i couldn’t breathe

#poetblr #poetry #poetry writing #poets on tumblr #poet corner

[cocospoetrybook]

sometimes i feel like im glowing

like im unstoppable

but sometimes i look in the mirror

and expect glass to shatter and fall

sometimes i feel weightless

like im floating higher than the gulls

but sometimes my soul is lead

and i can feel the weight tugging on my skull

sometimes i feel brilliant

like there isn’t a thing i don’t know

but sometimes i get something wrong

and i feel like every other doe

[cocospoetrybook]

I am so tired

but my heart still pounds

pounds away

maybe if I keep on walking

I'll arrive home

one of these days

[cocospoetrybook]

It seems the streams in which my watery consciousness floats are where I find my mind and truths that need to be released or else they may drown me completely,

because this human being can only observe the tragedies of humanity for so long before my flesh bag bulges and threatens to break;

Which is why I take all the world’s pain and try to create something great, to make a change, but also, to save myself from being consumed by the darkness that blooms broken hearts.

-2023

[cocospoetrybook]

Over

I’m not looking anymore

And I won’t ever try to find

I don’t care what you’re doing

You’re just not on my mind

I’m not sad or all alone

I feel fine and doing well

I don’t care who you’re seeing

I don’t care who you tell

I learned a lot about you

From the actions that you took

I don’t care how you feel

Or even how you look

I won’t miss you later

You can take that to the bank

I don’t care if you miss me

For that, I’ve you to thank

I’m focused on my future

And the best version of me

You can think about your losses

And the life that you won’t see

I’m the star that’s shining

In the sky so bright

You had a chance, but lost

A love with Mr. Right

So do what you want to

And be what you may

Just know this will haunt you

Til your final day!