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didiletyouknooow · 6 years

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Kryptonite

Hey,

I’m so sorry for not posting in a long time. But I’m very busy in real life now that I’m about to graduate from college in the summer. I promise I will try to update in the next two weeks! Instead I have something else for you... In the past days I wrote something....kind of a short story. I just wanted to share it with you. It doesn’t have anything to do with the JoshEileen story but in a way it does since it’s about a “kryptonite” or “the one that got away”. However. I think in a way Josh will always be Eileen’s kryptonite. _____________________

Kryptonite

Two years ago Ben broke Lisa’s heart.

He didn’t even notice it. But on Christmas Day two years ago he took her heart and ripped it apart – just by posting a stupid picture on Instagram. Maybe it was a picture she was waiting for because it would finally reveal the truth. The ugly truth.

Five years earlier Lisa saw Ben for the first time. Yes, it could have been one of these stupid, cheesy college stories where a girl meets a boy on her first day of college, they attend some classes together, become friends, start dating…..and that’s it! Five years later they are living together, two more years later he probably proposes to her and another year later they’re tying the knot in front of their former college friends. Two years after the marriage they’re having their first child, maybe have another one two or three years later and finally becoming the perfect family. Of course they’re living in a fancy district in Berlin or maybe they move to London….whatever.

But this didn’t happen to Lisa and Ben.

Instead Lisa just saw Ben, noticed him. But she didn’t talk to him. She fancied him and she still doesn’t even know why. But Lisa was searching for him on social media, found out that he was playing the guitar in a band and that he had excellent taste music. It lasted another year until they finally spoke to each other for the first time. At that time Ben was dating one of Lisa’s college friends for a few months. When they broke up six months later her friend cried about it and told Lisa how egoistic Ben was and that he’s the biggest drama queen she ever met. This was also the time when Ben texted Lisa on Facebook in the middle of the night and asked her if she wants to watch football with him. She didn’t answer.

Two years later Ben and Lisa finally saw each other again when they attended the same seminar. He was sitting in the front row of the class room whilst she was in the back and caught him turning around and looking at her several times during these 1.5 hours philosophy seminar. But again, they didn’t really talk. Maybe because they still didn’t know each other. They were only Facebook friends. And Lisa was still thinking about everything her friend told her about Ben.

But then there was Oasis.

Lisa posted a video. Ben’s favorite band. Of course he liked her post. She finally got her shit together and texted him a few hours later. She finally wanted to get to know him. She wanted to see if her friend told her the truth because she couldn’t believe that Ben was such a dick. But maybe Lisa should have listened to her former college friend....So Lisa texted Ben. He responded. It was a nice chat.

Two weeks later Lisa suddenly bumped into Ben at university. Maybe it looked like a huge coincidence but it wasn’t. One of her friends saw him leaving this class room like every Wednesday. So she decided to pass this floor at this exact time when the class was over and it worked out. She bumped into Ben.

This was the day they started getting to know each other.

Looking back on this thing they had, Lisa still wonders what it was. She would say that they were friends, but there was more. They were definitely never in a real relationship. But she’s still sure there were feelings….there was a connection….there was something between them. Lisa is sure about that.

So they started texting. First they did it on Facebook, then on Whats App. It took them a very long time until finally having a date while having lunch at a beautiful café. Ben even paid for her meal.

Now you could think that this was the beginning of a great love story. But it wasn’t. Just like in “500 Days Of Summer” – it wasn’t a love story.

Lisa and Ben kept seeing each other, but not really on a regular basis. There were many things that kept them from seeing each other. They didn’t live in the same city and almost never really attended the same classes at college. Lisa had the ugly feeling that Ben would never ever take the train to visit her in her home town. Because they mostly met in his hometown. He only visited her once and this wasn’t even a date because he just came to her town to watch the final football match at the public viewing with his mates – and with Lisa.

Whatever. No matter how strange this beginning of the “thing” they had was, it was still a beautiful summer with some great days the two shared together. Lisa still remembers this day when they attended this street festival. Or the night when they had barbecue with Ben’s friends. She’s still sure his friends were thinking that they were actually dating although they weren’t.

But when summer was over, also college was over. Both graduated and both supplied for a Master’s Degree.

This was also the time when the disaster started.

Lisa still questions why. Maybe it was because of her. Maybe because of him. Whatever. It was probably both of them.

Lisa remembers Ben once texted her that his ex and her former college friend told him that the both of them would match perfectly. Wow, his ex said it when they were still dating? How stupid is that? But maybe his ex was right. Ben and Lisa never really talked about it again. Who knows why. Lisa didn’t want to talk about it on the phone, she wanted to talk about it in real life but never had a chance to do it.

Lisa still wonders why. But deep inside of her soul she knows why. It was Ben who didn’t want to see her again. She tried it a few times and asked him when they would see each other but he always found the stupidest excuses. So Ben changed completely his mind from one day to the other. You know, you notice it when a person has changed, even if you’re just texting at the moment. Lisa did notice it. She knew something happened in his life. And she already had a clue what happened but didn’t want to believe it.

The next weeks were confusing and emotional for her. They barely texted, they didn’t see each other. But every time Ben did answer one of her text messages, Lisa was happy again. Her heart was beating faster and she was nervous again. She believed that maybe he just had a bad time. Month. Whatever. But deep inside Lisa knew that this was bullshit.

The weeks went by, they still didn’t see each other so she tried it for the last time. She asked him if he wants to meet again. His reaction showed her how ignorant he has become. He didn’t respond. Now she can laugh about it but back then she felt hurt. How could he change his mind from one day to the other?

Then Christmas came and Lisa wasn’t in the mood for it. Just a week earlier she got drunk on a party just to forget about the struggle with Ben. All this emotional bullshit she’s gone through during the past two months. She felt so stupid because Ben and her never really were a serious thing. In the past months they were mostly texting than really speaking to each other face to face. Maybe she was exaggerating? But she remembers how he always told her that she’s cute and that he loves her noncomformism and her love for music. They could talk about music for hours and Lisa got to know some great bands just because of Ben. Of course it was a mistake to never really talk about themselves. To never actually seek talks with each other. But Lisa was too afraid. Maybe deep down she already knew that she was just a fling for him, or maybe even just a friend. Who knows. They never actually behaved like a real couple in public. But sometimes it felt like that. And she had the feeling that he felt the same – even though it was probably fake. But there were so many signs. Every time Lisa mentioned other guys or even once mentioned a Tinder date, Ben reacted jealous. It’s like he didn’t want her to meet other guys – although Lisa never really did it. Except of once when she followed an advice of her friends who told her to go out and see other guys because “Ben doesn’t deserve you!”. Maybe they were right. Maybe they already knew how dramatic this could end and wanted to protect her. This was at a time when Ben staved her off again and again for weeks and always told her “Well, I don’t know when I have time again….I will call you”. He never did and they didn’t see each other for like….a month. So Lisa’s friends intervened and told her to go out and date other guys to forget about Ben. So she met this guy on Tinder who was actually really nice but it just made her realize how strong her feelings for Ben were. Ben never knew that she dated this guy. It was just one date. She didn’t want to date any other guy.

After the summer was over Lisa wanted to have clear talk with Ben. She wanted to tell him about her feelings and wanted to figure out their relationship. But this never happened because Ben decided to change his mind.

And suddenly it was Christmas. One week earlier she sent him a last message just to let him know that she felt sad about how everything developed over the last weeks. He never answered.

When she finally saw this picture he posted on Christmas Day with this girl her heart shattered. Really, it was just like Kate Nash sings in “We Get On”. Lisa’s heart shattered and her eyes watered. Okay, no they didn’t. Because she couldn’t cry. She was just shocked. She knew it. She knew it deep inside of her soul but she didn’t want to believe it. She saw the signs and maybe Ben wanted her to see the signs but he never told her. In the past three months since he started acting weird, he never told her that he found a girlfriend.

But then Lisa could see it on his Instagram. Stupid modern technology.

The funny thing is that Lisa even knew who Ben’s girlfriend was. It was this girl they both met at the café on the campus three months earlier. It was Ben’s friends’ new room mate. Lisa didn’t pay much attention to her although she always complimented Ben. But she was very young, a freshman. She probably wanted to meet new people at uni - at least that’s what Lisa thought. And she was sure that this girl wasn’t Ben’s type. She knew what kind of girls he liked. But she was wrong. He must have started dating his friends’ roommate in the following weeks.

Lisa noticed that he wasn’t online in the evening like he used to be when they were still texting until the night. He barely responded to her texts. He liked the girl’s posts on social media. There were signs.

And three months later there was this picture. Lisa cried the whole night. She never cried so much because of a boy.

But it wasn’t over yet.

It still lasted one month until Ben finally told her about his girlfriend. It was the most stupidest and most embarrassing lunch break Lisa ever had. Ironically Lisa and Ben both did an internship at the same company in the following weeks after Christmas. So they once had lunch break together. And Ben not only told her about his girlfriend (after three months of acting weird and treating Lisa like shit), Lisa also had to pay for his lunch because he didn’t have enough money with him. She never felt so humiliated. How stupid is that? Lisa still wonders why she didn’t just left the café and left him behind at the table with no money? Just like people do in a stupid rom coms.

Three weeks later she saw Ben for the last time.

The following weeks weren’t easy for Lisa because she had the feeling that the real heartbreak just started. Now she definitely knew that Ben had a girlfriend. The fear she had over the past three months became the ugly truth. Lisa started listening to Taylor Swifts “1989” on repeat and yes….it helped her. She could relate to so many lyrics on this album although it wasn’t her type of music. But at this time it felt like heart-balm. Ben hates such music. She loved it and the songs just helped her to get over this heartbreak.

But this whole thing wasn’t over.

Three months after she saw Ben for the last time he texted her because he was looking for a new tenant for his girlfriend. He didn’t tell her but Lisa knew that Ben and his girlfriend planned to move in together so his girlfriend needed a tenant for her room. Why the fuck did he ask her????

Lisa didn’t respond. She didn’t respond because she didn’t know what to say.

She had the feeling that she was already feeling okay with it. She lived her life. She did an internship, started her Master’s Degree, did another internship and then started working at a radio station on campus. She had two of her greatest summers in the last two years because she attended so many great festivals and concerts with friends and wrote about it on her blog. And for the first time she even traveled on her own. She knew that Ben would never ever do this. In fact he was afraid to have lunch at the canteen on his own. He wasn’t good at being on his own, Lisa was sure. He often told her “I feel so lonely…..”. But if she suggested to see him, he almost never answered “Yes of course!”. Instead she always got the answer “Well, I don’t know….”. He just didn’t want a commitment.

But thinking about the last two years since every thing fell apart – Lisa has to say that It was just a great time. She accomplished so much. She’s proud of herself. She also met other guys, tried to forgot about Ben. But she didn’t fall in love again.

Speaking of love….Lisa finally knows that she needed time to realize that she was in love with Ben. Maybe she was too blind to see it. It was just so common for her that Ben was in her life although he actually never really was a real part of her life. He also never really showed her his feelings – if he ever felt anything for her. He never asked her out. He was almost never the one who suggested seeing each other. She never met a guy who was so undecided about his whole life. But maybe she should have realized that earlier....

Now that times has passed, Lisa is sure that she needed time to understand that it wasn’t that romantic and beautiful, that this wasn’t a wonderful summer romance that just never became a relationship. It never was. With a distance of time she finally realized all the negative sides about him. They barely saw each other so she barely missed him. She just missed texting with him every day and every night. She just missed sharing her experience and photos with him. She just missed this. Maybe she missed the image she had about them. But they never really became this image she had in real life. Instead they failed at the first step. Maybe she idealized him after fancying him for years before actually knowing him.

Lisa also realized that when she was with him, she actually never really was who she really was. At least she never really showed him her real interests. She never told him that she loves mainstream rock music because she knew he was more into underground indie music. She never really told him that she loves trash TV because Ben thought it was just stupid. Speaking of TV….he never really watched TV while she was the biggest trash TV fan. She bought a handful of books Ben recommended her just to read them and talk with him about it. Well, Lisa never read them because when she started she didn’t like any of these books. She just had to be honest with herself: She doesn’t like super intelligent written crime books. She likes love stories. She loves coming of age books. She loves books you can read while you’re on the train or in bed….without thinking too much. She’s still happy that she even lost one of these books and still doesn’t know where she lost it. Maybe that’s a symbol for her “relationship” with Ben.

Lisa wasn’t mad at him for having a girlfriend. No.

She didn’t have the rights. She was mad at him for treating her like shit at that time. For not telling her the truth, but for his stalling tactics. For letting her feel bad because she wasn’t at his concert although his fucking girlfriend was there. So why should she have gone there? He never asked her to attend his shows and suddenly he was mad? Although his girlfriend was there? Doesn’t make sense to Lisa.

She was mad at him for texting her some very disgusting things. His ex was right when she said that he’s the king in letting people feel responsible for something they never did. Because that’s what he did to Lisa. He blamed her for everything that happened – or not happened – between them.

But now that this is two years ago Lisa thinks she’s kind of over it. She didn’t see him in two years. Although they’re studying in the same city again. The same university. Luckily not the same buildings. But to be honest, she’s a little bit afraid of suddenly bumping into him in the city. She’s afraid she could turn into this shy, introvert girl again who just gets nervous because she sees this guy she already fell in love with seven years ago and who never really left her heart and her mind. But who also never actually was her boyfriend. They say that if you’re both in love you don’t have to think it all through. It just happens. But it never happened.

Lisa knows that she would be completely over it if he wouldn’t have come back into her life over and over again. While checking her Instagram story. She knows she could block him. But….truth is. She can’t. Not because she’s still interested in his life. No, she isn’t really interested. Instead she still wants him to see her story. She still wants him to see what she’s doing. How great her life is like! (because, you know, you only show the good things on social media).

For two years now she wants him to see how great her life is after it was over. A life without him. She wants him to know what she accomplished in the last years. She wants him to know with whom she partied and which bands she saw. She just wants him know think that her life is great without him. Maybe she wants him to feel bad. Maybe she wants him to feel jealous. Maybe she wants him to feel just a little bit of the feelings she had when she found out about his girlfriend that Christmas Day two years ago. Maybe it’s revenge and maybe it’s childish bullshit. That’s the truth.

But every time she sees that he watched her story her heart stops for a millisecond. And then she feels relieved for a moment.

Four months ago he decided to respond to one of her stories. With an emoji. With a stupid emoji!!!! She didn’t respond because she didn’t know what to say. She had nothing to say.

Last Saturday he texted again. Now he even asked a question. How she’s doing. Just like that he texts her again. Although he decided to have a girlfriend two years ago and since Lisa found out that they moved in together a few months later she thought he’s happy with her. Or did they break up?

Lisa struggled with the question whether she should answer him or not. In the end she did because she wanted to know what he would do next. Would he start a real conversation or not? Would he behave like nothing happened? He did. Maybe he never noticed that there was something wrong about how he was treating Lisa? He even sent her another question after she didn’t answer directly. Now Lisa doesn’t know what to do. She doesn’t want to seek into this sea of texting without seeing each other again, without actually knowing anything about the others daily life. She doesn’t want to be available now that maybe he could be single again. She isn’t. She knows that it’s not easy for her to resist Ben, but she has to.

The first thing that came to her mind when she saw the message he sent her on this Saturday night last week was “I was better off without him. My life was better without him.” So when this was the first thing that came to her mind, why can’t she just resist his messages? Just block him? She doesn’t know....

The more she thinks about it, the more confused she gets. She doesn’t know how to react. She just knows that she moved on with her life but he will always be her kryptonite she just can’t get over for 100%.

Lisa watched “Love” on Netflix last night and wondered if she will ever find something like Micky and Gus has. Or something like Lilly and Marshall in HIMYM. Or Harry and Sally. But these are just fictional characters so who assures her that real love does exist in real life? Maybe she will always be like Tom in “500 Days Of Summer” who struggles to get over Summer.

It’s one week ago since Ben came back into Lisa’s life. Even if it was just on social media. Just in her phone. She could just block him in two seconds by pushing a button. But she can’t. She’s listening to this song again that will always remind her of Ben. “Slide Away” by Oasis. She always saw them both in this song.

Noel Gallagher said about this song which was written about a girlfriend “I’ll never get over it”. Maybe Lisa already knew that this would also happen to her?

Because Ben will always be her kryptonite.

_____________

“Now that you're mine We'll find a way Of chasing the sun Let me be the one that shines with you In the morning we don't know what to do Two of a kind We'll find a way To do what we've done Let me be the one who shines with you And we can slide away Slide away Slide away Away”

(Oasis - Slide Away)

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#oasis #slideaway #kryptonite #lovestory #thoughts #short story

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didiletyouknooow · 6 years

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68. Subterranean Homesick Blues

Hey!

WOW. Finally I found the time to finish the next chapter. I’m so sorry for not posting in the past weeks but I was so busy in my real life and so many things happened. So I couldn’t find the time to write and I wasn’t very creative. But now the next chapter is done and I really do hope that you like it!

Remember, there are still a few chapter left so I hope you will keep reading and giving feedback :)

I can’t promise when I find the time to update again, but I will try to do it in the next two weeks! _______________________

I woke up this day and immediately looked at Eileen. She was totally asleep. So I was getting up to take care of Finn. He was awake. It was 3am. I was tired but never felt happier before. I was a father now. I still couldn’t believe it. Was it even real? Only one week ago I was on tour with my friends, playing in small clubs in front of music lovers. But then there was this phone call that changed my life. It was Megan and the only words she was telling me on the phone were “Josh, you have to hurry up and come to New York. Eileen is in labor. Hurry up or she will hate you forever.”

Of course she was overreacting and maybe she didn’t mean it the way she said it but I did what she told me. I told my friends that I have to go, called a cab and took the next flight back to New York City. When I arrived there Eileen was already in the labor room. Honestly, I felt overwhelmed when I saw my girlfriend lying there, looking but also screaming at me at the same time. I didn’t quite know what to do or how to help her. I felt so helpless but I knew she would do that. She was so strong.

This was also one of the first things that came to my mind when I talked to Eileen for the first time. ‘Man, this woman seems so strong’ was my first thought during our encounter at the museum in Berlin. Although I only talked to her for a few minutes I already knew that she was strong. And I was right. She was a strong woman who always goes her own path. I always admired her for doing it. First she moved to Berlin, then she did her PhD, then she traveled around the world totally on her own, then she moved to New York and started all over again. I couldn’t say something so powerful about my own life. All I did was playing guitar, drums or singing. That’s it. Of course I archived a lot, but I never thought about that. I never thought about the success we had as a band. I only thought about the music I did. I only thought how to improve and learn more every day. But I never felt strong enough to leave my home town, to start all over again. Of course I needed some days to think about my decision of joining the Chili Peppers. But that’s it. If you think about it, it was luck. Nothing else. It was pure luck that Flea asked me to join them. They could’ve asked someone else or could’ve retired. I would still be this shy, maybe sometimes a little bit awkward musician. Maybe not the Chili Peppers guitarist, but the touring guitarist for other people’s band. Who knows. I wasn’t strong, I just tried to do my best in my new role. But Eileen archived so much more than I did because she did things that REALLY matter. She did history research for her PhD. She founded an own online blog and was writing about serious female topics. I loved her for that. The fact that she did all these great things in the past years assured me that she would be the best mother I could imagine for my child.

I looked at Finn who was now asleep. He was still so tiny and crumpled. Typical for a newborn baby. He had Eileen’s green eyes and my brown hair. He was the cutest and most beautiful baby of the whole world. I always laughed about parents who were telling you 24/7 that their baby is the most beautiful newborn in the world. Now I know how they were feeling because now I was one of them.

I never really thought about having kids. It was never an issue in my life. When you’re 20 you don’t really think about that. You can’t even imagine it. The only thing you can think of that comes near to having a baby is sex. When I got older and I had some serious relationships it wasn’t an issue either. I don’t know if my ex girlfriends ever thought about that but I didn’t. I mean, most of the time I was away on tour and I saw a lot of great places, met a lot of great people and played a lot of great concerts – no matter if in a small club or an sold out stadium. When I was dating Mia I kind of felt home for the first time. Although it all ended very weird and left me heartbroken I knew that this was the first woman I truly loved. And I was in my early thirties when I realized it. All the other women I dated before didn’t mean anything to me. Most of them were just a fling. But then it was over and I was single again. I made music because that’s what I love. Then I decided to move to Berlin and met Eileen. What followed was a wonderful start of a relationship that had to come to a final end after she lost our baby in 2016. I truly believed we could get over it but I was wrong. Maybe we two needed to separate to find out what we really want in life. I think I wasn’t ready to be a father at that time.

I had a lot of girls in the following years. I still don’t know the number and I don’t care anymore. I know that I hurt Eileen with being such a typical cliché musician who is dating the average model girly girl. Although we weren’t in a relationship at that time I hurt her. I know it although she never told me. Of course it hurt me too when I found out about her boyfriend but it wasn’t the same. I think I shocked Eileen with all my affairs and flings I had during the time after our relationship. But then I met Helen and I changed. I truly changed. I fell in love with Helen and try to love Emma as my own daughter but….it wasn’t meant to be forever. I knew it. I knew it the first day I asked Helen out for a date. I knew it because she wasn’t Eileen.

It was all about Eileen. Since I met her on this summer day in Berlin eight years ago it was all about her. Even when I was dating other girls I was thinking of her. In the back of my mind there was always Eileen.

But still, I never thought about kids. Even when Helen left us and I had to take care of Emma I didn’t really think of kids. Although, suddenly I was a father. But it wasn’t the same. Emma wasn’t my own daughter and she wasn’t a baby anymore. She was a child that I needed to take care of when her mother left her. I felt so sorry and pity for this eleven year old girl who couldn’t understand why her mother left her. I still can’t understand it either. So I decided to take care of her. But I never really felt like a dad – I only tried to be one.

It needed the birth of my own son two years later to finally feel like a real dad. It changes your life from one day to the other. As I already said, one day you’re still this musician guy who is on tour with the fellows and about to play in a fucked up club in Boston and the next day you’re holding your son in your hands. I can’t describe the feeling. I can’t find the right words. It’s just unbelievable.

When Eileen told me about her pregnancy I was shocked. I didn’t expect it. And to be honest, I didn’t think of it ever before. Not even when Eileen and I got back together for the third time. I think the only thoughts I had about being a parent died when we lost our baby and Eileen broke up with me a few months later. But when she handed me the pregnancy test, everything felt fine. Everything made sense. I never told her but that night after she informed me about her pregnancy I cried. I cried because I felt so happy. Suddenly everything made sense.

They say you have nine months to prepare for your new role – but they lie. I couldn’t prepare at all. Although I was already used to take care of a child I wasn’t used to take care of a newborn. Although I read a lot of parenting guides – much more than Eileen did – and although I imagined how it would be when the baby would be born, it wasn’t the same. Maybe women are able to prepare for their role as a mother because they are carrying the baby in their bodies for nine months and kind of get the typical maternal feelings over the time. But men can’t do this. Although I saw my pregnant girlfriend almost every day and although I accompanied her to every check-up appointment, I didn’t feel it.

I had to wait until I was holding my son in my hands.

Now I was the luckiest guy on earth. My son was healthy, my girlfriend was healthy, we were living in a wonderful apartment in Manhattan and enjoyed every minute together – just the three of us. Okay, the three of us and our two dogs. Bowie and Vilma welcomed Finn very gently. I think they already knew that a baby was on its way. I’ve heard that dogs can smell it.

When Finn was asleep I laid him back in his baby crib next to our bed and tried to sleep as well. They say you should enjoy every hour you’re able to sleep – so I did.

_______________

July

“He’s so tiny….but so beautiful….wow, Eileen, you made me the happiest grandma of the whole world” my mother almost cried when she was holding Finn for the first time in her hands. My parents arrived yesterday evening and visited us this morning. It was the first time they saw their new grandchild. Finn was already one week old and I still couldn’t believe that it really happened. I never really thought about having kids and now I was holding my own son in my hands. Crazy world. “And how long did it last?” my mother wanted to know. She meant the birth. I only told her some details on the phone but that’s it. Of course she wanted to know everything. But I didn’t want to tell her in front of the guys….I mean, yes Josh was with me but even he couldn’t stand it the whole time. “It lasted eight hours or so….I don’t quite know. It just happened very fast I guess. And then it lasted until he finally arrived” “Oh honey, I’m so relived you didn’t have any complications or had to be in labor for 24 hours. You know, when your brother was born it lasted soooooo long…..” my mother told me. “Yeah, I know. I think I can be happy with only being in labor for a few hours” “You definitely can” she laughed.

Josh and my dad were in the living room talking about life as a new parent. I think my dad gave him some advices. It looked very cute how Josh was sitting there, listening to this old man who was the father of his girlfriend and now granddad of his son. Still, what a crazy world….

Josh’s parents already visited us a few days ago. They were the first ones to visit us and the newborn. I was still very tired and weak when they arrived here. Josh managed everything and took care that me and the baby had enough time to sleep during the visit of his parents. I was so thankful to have him here and I stopped being mad at him for leaving to do this short club tour with his friends. In the end he was there when the baby was born so every thing was fine. I knew it would be fine.

Of course my mom had a handful of advices for me on how to take care of my baby and although it was very annoying that she always interrupted me with saying “Eileen, look, you can also do it this way…” I wasn’t mad at her. I was just too happy to be mad at anyone although I knew that under normal circumstances I would be on the edge when someone would ALWAYS interrupt me. But…..I was just lucky to be a mom now. I just hoped that I would never every turn into this helicopter mothers who were so present in our society.

On the last day my parents were in New York we did a little walk through the streets. It was the first walk for me as a mother. Finn and I stayed inside after coming home from the hospital so I was very excited and also a little bit scared to leave the hours with him for the first time. But since I wasn’t alone on our walk it felt good to be outside with him.

My parents left after three days of “Oh look how cute he is” and “Eileen, maybe you should do it this way…” and Josh and I had finally time to enjoy our days together with our son again. Josh cooked for us and did the grocery shopping, he also walked out with the dogs and sometimes he took Finn with him. Then I could do a little nap while the boys were outside. I still had the feeling that I needed time to rest. I never imagined how hard and exhausting a birth would be like. Of course I read a lot about it and of course I asked some friends of mine who already have kids but….you can’t imagine it so you have to experience it. But Josh was so into caring and helping that he did all the important work in the first weeks after Finn was born. It felt so good.

Two weeks after Finn’s birth Molly and Eric visited us. I think I never was happier before to see Molly again. Molly was still one of my best friends and since she already had kids I was looking forward in sitting in cafés with her and our babies and talking about life as a mom. It would be fun I guess. “Finn is such a quiet baby” Molly said. “It seems that he always sleeps” “He does….but when he’s hungry he can start a little earthquake” I laughed. “Or when he’s awake at night” Josh noted. “I know….that’s just the way babies are” Eric informed us. “But enjoy the first weeks because, they grow so fast. I mean, really fast!” Josh and I looked at each other and smiled.

Later that day Eric and Molly cooked us dinner and we enjoyed the evening with our friends. I had the feeling that especially Josh was happy to see his mate again. I knew that he hasn’t seen Eric in a long time so he was surprised as well when the couple came to New York. After dinner Eric told us that he picked up the slack for Josh at the evening Finn was born. “They called me because they knew that I was in Providence that day to visit a friend. So I got the call and they were like “Man, Josh had to leave because his girlfriend is in labor….we know you’re in Providence, would you join us on stage?”. I just had the best burger in town but I said yes and took my friends’ car to drive to Boston and then they could start almost on point that night with me on drums” Eric laughed. “Wow, I didn’t know that” Josh was surprised. “Didn’t they tell you?” “No…they only called me and congratulated me but that’s it. No one told me that they played the gig with you on drums” “I can imagine that they just forgot it because they felt so happy for you” “Probably” Josh said. “But you didn’t tell me either” “I just felt happy for you as well so I completely forgot to mention it on the phone” Eric laughed. “Oh and by the way….they even greeted you” “How?” I wanted to know. “The singer Peter told the crowd why Josh weren’t on drums this night and the crowd applauded when they heard that he was going to be dad that night” “What a cute story” Molly smiled. “Oh….he really did that?” Josh raised an eyebrow. “Um, yes” Eric told him. “Wow, why?” “I don’t know….I guess because they felt happy for you?” “Yes, but why did he have to tell the crowd the reason why I wasn’t there this night?” Josh wanted to know. “It’s just an information. I mean, it’s understandable that you had to leave when your girlfriend is about to give birth” “Yes but….it’s private, you know? He shouldn’t have shared this information with the crowd” Josh said and stood up. “Why are you so angry?” Eric asked him. “Did I do something wrong?” “No….you didn’t do anything wrong. Peter did by telling the crowd the reason I wasn’t there” “Josh, calm down. It’s totally okay” I said. “No….it’s not Eileen. This is our private life….no one has to know that I’m a father now. I mean, this is too private….” ”Josh, sooner or later the Chili Peppers community will know about it. How will you stop them?” Eric asked. “They wouldn’t know it if Peter wouldn’t have told the crowd” “You don’t know that” Eric noted. “Well, but now that Peter told the crowd and there are always some cowards who have to film the whole concert I guess the whole Chili Peppers crowd knows about it” “And that is a problem?” Eric still couldn’t understand Josh’s angry reaction. “Yes, apparently it is. I don’t want fans to know about my private life” “But in a way you’re a famous person. Somehow you’re in the public eye” “No I’m not Eric” Josh raised his voice. “I’m not as famous and known as Anthony or Flea. Actually, both of them told me ‘Man, you’re a lucky man that you’re not really in the public eye of some paparazzis who follow to get the first picture of your newborn baby.’ But now at least fans know….” “Josh I think you’re overreacting. I’m Finn’s mother and I don’t really care if the Chili Peppers fans know about our son or not. Sooner or later there will be any footage that shows me with Finn at a concert and everyone can count one and one together…” ”Yes but right now there aren’t any concerts so….we could have just lived like a normal couple that just welcomed their first child” “But Josh….look out of the window, do you see any paparaziis? No. Believe me, Lady Gaga or Beyonce are way more interesting if they’re in Manhattan, than you are” “You don’t get it, don’t you?” Josh now looked at Eric. “I don’t care about any stupid paparazzi. I just didn’t want Peter to tell the crowd that me and my girlfriend have a baby now. He could have told them ‘Oh, he’s ill’ or there was an emergency in his family. But why telling the truth?” “Because he felt very happy for you and to be honest, I don’t get your outrage right now. In my opinion, you’re totally overreacting” “No I’m not! I just don’t want fans to write me ‘Oh congratulations for being a dad now’ blablabla.” “Josh, you’re not even on social media….where should they write you?” “Oh believe me, they’ll find ways” “So….do you hate your fans?” Eric now asked him. Josh looked at him. Then he shook his head. “No, I don’t hate my fans. I just think that this information should have stayed private. The fans don’t have to know everything. They don’t have to know whom I dating or if I’m a parent now” “Josh….like I already said. You’re overreting. You’re fans were always nice to you and you’re not annoyed by paparazzis after leaving the house so….calm down” “I think Eric is right, babe” I said and put my arm around his shoulders. “No matter if the fans know or not….they just feel happy for you, believe me. No one will write you or try to call you or try to find out where you live….no one….” “I hope so….” Josh sighed.

When Molly and Eric left later that night I asked Josh why he reacted so angry when Eric told about the concert he missed and the information that his music friend Peter told the crowd.

“Because it’s private. Period.” “But I guess they were just happy for you becoming a dad” “But I think it’s not their business. It’s not my fans’ business. I just don’t want anyone to know about my private life, you know?” “Yes, I can relate to that but….it’s okay I guess. No one is following us around in Manhattan like we’re Kim Kardashian and Kanye West” I laughed. “I know but….well” he sighed. “I think I’m just very overprotecting when it comes to you and Finn” Josh let me know and took my hand. “I don’t want people to talk about it. I just looked on the internet and found some comments on Instagram where people were discussing it” “Josh, no one will talk shit, okay? Most of the people are just happy for you. I mean, the others of the band already are dads for many years but now you, the youngest one, also became a dad….so, I guess they’re happy for you” “Well….maybe they’re” “I guess so” I told him and kissed him. “You know, actually I already thought about quitting” “Quitting what?” “The band….I mean, at least the Chilis. It’s so exhausting and when we’ll be releasing a new record we’ll be touring the world again….I don’t know if I want to do that when I know that my girlfriend and my little son are at home alone” “Josh….stop thinking about quitting ,okay? You love music” “I do….but it doesn’t make sense to me being away from home, missing every little step my son will take at that time” “Well, we’ll find a way….the new technologies will help us” “Yeah, but Eileen…my mind won’t be ready to go on tour around the world if I know that you are at home with Finn and I will miss the next few weeks in his life” “It’s really cute that you think this way but….please, stop thinking about quitting. It’s just a thought you now have because you can’t imagine leaving us for at least one day and neither do I but…..believe me, there will be the time when we’re both ready to do our jobs like we used to do before” “I hope so….” ”Also, your bandmates do handle the situation with being a dad and being on tour, so you have three guys you can ask for advice” “Yeah, and then I see Anthony who always brings his son on tour and although this is a cool thing I sometimes wonder if it’s the right thing for a child. I mean, he doesn’t attend a normal school, you know. Then I see Flea who already told me that he regrets missing so many great moments when Clara grew up. I know he tries to be a better father with Sunny and I think he does but, still….it’s a hard time being on tour for so long. And Chad missed his twins so much when they were younger and he was on tour….so….honestly, I’m a little bit scared” “Josh, you’ll do this. I know it. You love music so much, you can’t quit. You just can’t. It’s out of the question” “I hope you’re right” he said before falling asleep.

September

It was my first birthday as a mother. And I guess it was one of the best birthdays ever. Of course turning 18 or 21 or even 30 were exciting and also a bit scared. But turning 36 and having breakfast together with my boyfriend and our son was the best way to start a birthday. Later that day Josh and I did a walk with Finn and the dogs and he took me out for dinner. Yes he did. And Finn was with us. Josh chose a restaurant that wasn’t that crowded where we sat in a comfy corner together with our child and had the best steak of the city. I was so thankful and almost started crying – I guess it was still due to the hormones.

I cried a lot recently. I didn’t realize it but Josh asked me what was wrong with me that I was crying so often. I didn’t have an answer. But sometimes I kind of felt a bit overwhelmed by all the emotions I felt and I didn’t know how to handle them. Josh noticed it and lightened my workload by taking care of Finn a whole day – including bottle-feeding him – so I could have some time for myself. It helped me but sometimes the feelings came back and I started crying again. Josh wanted me to see a doctor if this wouldn’t stop in the next weeks. I agreed with him but in reality I didn’t want to see a doctor because I was a little bit afraid what he would tell me.

I decided that work would help me so I came back to work a few weeks ago. It felt so good. Sometimes I took Finn with me to the office, sometimes he stayed at home with Josh. Honestly, it wasn’t easy for me leaving Finn behind to go to work but I knew that Josh was taking good care of him so I tried to distract me from thinking about it.

It was a bit awkward when I came to the office for the first time after giving birth. Of course Megan already knew Finn but the others didn’t. But they all were very nice and humble and welcomed Finn very well. Even Charlotte – our former intern and now freelance writer for our blog – didn’t react weird. I feared that maybe she could react awkward because I kind of had the feeling she was a little bit into Josh after she met him. I mean, she was a fan of the Chili Peppers before but meeting him by accident when he picked me up from our Christmas party last year kind of shocked her I guess. But she was very nice and even wrote a greeting card for Josh and me. Honestly, it was very sweet.

Megan and I had a lot of work to do. We got many applications for a cooperation with other business partners or brands. So we had to decide whether or not we wanted to do this. It was so crazy how fast our blog grew. After starting it almost 2 years ago after a night full of wine and girl-talk we now had a whole business to take care of. We now had many new categories we wrote about: love, parenthood, womanhood, lifestyle. We also had five freelance writers who wrote for us on a regular basis and sometimes uploaded articles from other free lance writers. It was still unbelievable. Our Facebook page exploded over the past six months from 2000 followers to 38209 followers. We even got asked to do some interviews. In two weeks our first big interview in “The New Yorker” would be published. Everyone told us that our blog would go totally viral after this. We still didn’t believe it. But maybe they were right?

“I’m a little bit jealous of you” Megan said whilst looking at the flowers Josh gave me in the lunch break when he visited us in the office. I noticed that I blushed. “You two are the cutest parents and the cutest couple on earth and if I wouldn’t know you I would definitely hate you” she laughed. “Well, thanks” I smiled at her. “Honestly Eileen, you can be so happy to have Josh in your life. And now that you two have Finn….wow, to me you two are the best example that true love does exist” “Maybe it does. I don’t know….” “Eileen, come on, you and Josh are so in love and you two match. Not everyone has the luck to experience something like that in life” “But Megan, you will find someone as well. I know it…..” “Well, I’m 33, I don’t know if I will find someone….” ”You will. Believe me” I smiled at her. “Hm, I always have the feeling that the good guys are always taken or turn out to be huge assholes” “Then they’re not the good guys” “I know….that’s the problem. So the good guys are taken….” She said. “Or” she paused. “Or they have to fly back to Germany because they’re just fucking tourists here in New York” “What do you mean?” “I met this guy a few weeks ago…he was on a trip to New York with two friends. We met at a bar, very cliché. But I left the bar alone so….nothing happened. But the next day I met him again at a basketball game of the Knicks….I mean, can you imagine what a huge coincidence it was to meet the same guy twice in New York City?” “Yes, kind of” I said and thought about always bumping into Josh in Berlin before I got to know him. “So….we met again and he asked me if me and my friends want to join them for a few drinks after the game so….we said yes and had a very funny night at the bar. We even did karaoke. It was such a great night and before me and my friend left he asked me if I want to have breakfast with him the next morning…I mean, it was a date don’t you think? And I agreed because it was Sunday….what else should I do on a Sunday morning? We had the best time and….well, we spent the whole day together….but sadly he had to leave the next day to fly back home to Germany” “Germany? Wow….bad luck” “I know….” “What’s his name?” “Ben” “Oh, I know a guy called Ben from Germany, haha” “I don’t know his surname or so….I don’t even have his number but it would be stupid to search for him on Facebook and contact him….I mean, he’s living in Germany” “Sadly that’s very far away…” I agreed. “And how should I find him? The only thing I know about him is that he’s a famous rapper in Germany….but, I don’t know his name, you know. I even googled ‘Famous rapper Germany Ben’ but couldn’t find anything” “Wait…is he from Berlin?” I asked her. She nodded. “And does he have brown hair and some tattoos?” “Yes, he has” “Oh no…..” I started laughing. “What’s so funny?” “No….you didn’t….you didn’t…..oh well, you didn’t met Ben” “Ben?” “Ben….A friend of mine from Germany” “No….way….” “I know….So it could be him you met” “Wow….honestly, that would be too crazy” “It would be, yes….” “And how do you know Ben?” “Well, he used to live with my brother when he was in Berlin for a few months….so I met him this way” “And?” Megan raised an eyebrow. “What?” “Come on Eileen, I already know the way you’re talking if you want to hide a secret” “There’s no secret….” ”Tell me! What’s it about Ben?” “Okay” I sighed. “We hooked up when he and my brother visited me in Australia during my journey” “Oh shit…..seriously?” “Yes….” I nodded. “But it was nothing serious. It was weird. I mean, we used to be friends before….so, it was just a drunken night” “Hm….I guess now I don’t want to know more about him” Megan laughed. “Seriously Megan, he’s a good guy. I thought he has a girlfriend or even a fiancé but…” ”Yes, he told me they broke up six months ago, he was very heartbroken” “Okay….” “Whatever, I should stop thinking about him now”

I tried to convince Megan to not stop thinking about Ben because when I imagined Megan and Ben next to each other, I thought they could be a sweet couple. I showed her his Facebook profile, so she could do whatever she wants with this information.

October

Josh and I were lying on our couch and enjoying a lazy Saturday with Finn when his phone rang. It was a hospital in LA.

I only overheard a few words Josh was saying to the other person at the phone. I expected the worst.

“Emma’s grandma….she had a stroke….she’s in a hospital in LA now and….Emma is alone” I think these words kind of destroyed my own idyll here in New York. I knew what it meant if Emma was living alone in LA now….she couldn’t do it. It wasn’t allowed. She was only 14 years old.

“What does it mean? Is she okay?” I aksed him. “She is in hospital. It’s not life-threatening but….she’s in hospital now, so nothing’s okay” “And what about Emma?” “She’s with her grandma now. The hospital asked me to come to LA to pick up Emma” “What?” I couldn’t believe it. “Yes….she doesn’t have anyone else, you know.” “I know but….how should you do this? You’re in New York….you won’t be there before midnight LA time” “I know….” Josh sighed. “But I have to” he said and started packing a back. “And what will you do in LA when you picked up Emma?” “I will see….Emma has to go home. I bet it was very heavy for her to see her grandma suffering” “But….will you stay there?” “Eileen, Emma’s grandma had a stroke and has to stay at the hospital. Of course I will stay with Emma then…..at least until I know more” “But…well….okay” I gave up. I didn’t want to start a discussion because I had the feeling I was overreacting.

Josh left an hour later to take the next flight back to LA.

Two weeks later….

“I guess the best is to move back to LA….” Josh told me after a two hour lasting discussion. “No, you didn’t say that….Josh, we live in New York, this is our home now….” “But Emma has to move into a children’s home when we won’t move to LA….she can’t stay at her friend’s home forever. It’s just transitional” “I know and I can totally understand that you want to move back to LA but Josh….my home is in New York. I live and work here. Our son was born here, our home is here, don’t you think?” “I know…” ”Why can’t Emma move to New York?” “She’s 13….she already left her home town Chino a few years ago and she seems to be happy to be in LA. I don’t want her to leave her school and start all over again” “So…instead the two of us and our son of four months should leave our home now?” “Eileen….come on, LA is our real home, don’t you think? We both grew up there. I lived there for 40 years, you lived there at least like 30 years….don’t you want to go back some day?” “Maybe. I don’t know. I didn’t think about it lately. I only know that my current home is New York” “So….should I let Emma move into a children’s home then? Her mother already left her, now her grandma isn’t able to take care of her anymore….what will she think of me if I, the last adult who promised to take care of her, leaves her. She doesn’t deserve it. I have to go back home” “So you want to move back to LA?” “Not without you and Finn” “Well, I don’t think that I will move back” “Eileen, please, think about it. I can’t take Emma out of her current home in LA” “No Josh, you can’t take US – your girlfriend and your son – out of their home in New York” “Please, Eileen….stop being so overreacting….” ”I’m not overreacting….I’m just honest. I don’t get it why Emma is more important than us? Josh, this is your family now. We are your family now. Finn and me and our dogs. Don’t you think we are way more important than Emma who isn’t even your biological daughter?” “You didn’t say that!” Josh looked at me with an angry face and left our apartment.

I couldn’t believe it.

I was so angry. How could he decide over us? Without asking us? I won’t leave New York. No.

Because I was so angry and mad I called Megan and depicted the situation. After a discussion of 15 minutes, Megan finally said “Well Eileen, honestly. Josh is right. You’re overreacting. Of course you and Finn are his new family now but should he really leave Emma alone in LA after her grandma had to go to hospital because of a stroke? Do you want that? Imagine you were a teenager and your mother left you, your father doesn’t exist in your life and your grandma has to go to the hospital. Then the only attachment figure for you, who tried to take care of your, leaves you alone in a city so big like the ocean, where she finally can’t call anyone her family, just because Josh’s girlfriend doesn’t want to move back to LA for a period of time”

I listened to her words and thought about it for quite some time.

“You’re right” I finally sighed. “But I don’t even know if it’s just transitional or if we would move back forever….Josh sounds like he likes the idea of moving back to LA so I wonder if maybe he uses this situation for our move back to LA” “But….he’s right. You two are Angelinos….it’s not that you don’t know the city. Your family lives there, many friends of yours live there….I don’t think that it would be a nightmare to move back.” “It wouldn’t but….what about our blog? Our office is here in New York and so are our business partner” “I know but….Eileen, we’ll find a solution, believe me” “Hm….maybe” “You should definitely think about moving back to support Josh and Emma. Finn is young enough to live everywhere. He doesn’t have to go to a new school or so. You can live with him anywhere you want” “Well, maybe you’re right…”

Later when Josh came back from his walk with Bowie – it lasted three hours – I apologized for my harsh words and my stupid behavior. “Maybe we should consider moving back to LA. I don’t want Emma to leave her school or move back to Chino….” “Are you sure?” Josh asked me. “Yes, we’ll do this…some how. Megan convinced me” “Maybe it’s just transitional, who knows. It’s just until Emma’s grandma will be back home after rehab. The doctors told me that her stroke wasn’t too dangerous so she only has to do a rehab after leaving the hospital next week. But they don’t know when she will be able to live a normal live again. But they’re positive that she will turn back to her old habits and old life” “So, let’s do this. Let’s try it”

December

It was a few years before Christmas when Josh, Finn and I took a flight from JFK to LAX. After six weeks of thinking, talking, planning and also working we finally did it. We left New York and came back to Los Angeles.

I was a bit afraid how Finn would take the six hours flight but he mostly slept but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t scared the whole flight. But Josh was very caring and radiated a sense of calm during the whole procedure of boarding, flying and finally landing in LA and getting our luggage. I was so thankful to have him by my side because I noticed how emotional and vulnerable I was during the past weeks. I guess it was still because of the new hormones and maternal feelings but in the past weeks I still cried a lot. I didn’t even know why. I guess it was just too overwhelming for me. All the planning and discussing with Megan and our business partner. I was afraid they wouldn’t agree to leave New York and start a new office in LA. But they did. They offered us some money from which I could rent a new office in LA. But Megan and I decided that we both wanted to be independent in the near future so we also decided to finance ourselves at least partly. So we decided to look for a bigger office than our business partner offered us so that Megan and our other assistants could start working in LA in the near future. Yes, you heard it right. Even Megan decided to leave New York. Since her brother lived in LA it wasn’t difficult for her to decide. Plus, her brother was a graphic designer so he would start working for us in January. But until Megan would move to New York some month would pass by.

But now me and my little family was landed in LAX. I hated this airport so much. It was so big and confusing. Although I was an Angelino who grew up in this city and who took many flights at this airport, it still confused me to find the right way to a gate or to the exit.

I was glad that Josh parked his car in the parking block before he flew to New York two days ago. His past weeks were also very busy since he had to organize everything for our move back to LA. Of course we would live in his house in El Sereno but he had to manage so many things before we could come back to LA with Finn. He bought some new furniture for our baby room and also had to rearrange a whole room so that Finn even would have an own room with all his little belongings. I felt so bad for not helping him but I had to take care of Finn in New York and we didn’t want him to experience two six hours flights in a period of one month. So I stayed in New York with Finn until Josh fixed and organized everything in LA. Of course he also had to manage a lot about Emma’s future. After her grandma had to stay in the hospital and had to go to rehab afterwards, she was living at a friends house. Everytime Josh came back to the city she also stayed at Josh’s house and he took care of her while also taking care of all the bureaucracy.

We had some long talks during the past weeks about Emma’s future. I realized that I reacted too harsh and uncontrolled because of my feelings and emotions at the moment. I understood that Josh didn’t want Emma to go back to Chino or live in a children’s home. So we discussed everything and finally came to the conclusion that a move back to LA would be the best decision. I knew that Emma and I didn’t get along very well during my pregnancy and I had the feeling she was kind of jealous that Josh started a new family but I was positive that we could start all over again.

“So, welcome back to California, where the sun almost never sleeps” Josh chuckled when we were walking through the airport. I was so exhausted by the flight. But I smiled at him. “Now LA has us back. We both belong here” he said. As we went outside to the streets the sun was welcoming us. It was very hot although it was December. In New York it was snowing and now the sun and 28 degrees welcomed us. Welcome to California!

I almost fell asleep while Josh drove us back home to El Sereno. When we arrived there we showed Finn his new home and I guess he liked it. Because we were starving Josh ordered some food and we spent the whole night at the couch watching some movies. Emma was still at a friends house. Josh would pick her up tomorrow. Today we wanted to acclimate here in El Sereno together with Finn.

How crazy life can be. The last time we stayed at his house we were all by ourselves but now there was a tiny little human we called our son who was with us here.

The next morning we had breakfast at Josh’s balcony. I was so used to it. I loved the view and the balcony. Finn also seemed to like it because he was smiling all the time while we were sitting there. And he put a smile on my face as well.

Later that day Josh picked up Emma and they came home. First I was a bit skeptical and also afraid to see Emma again. Our last encounter wasn’t really memorable. But this time it was different. She smiled when she saw me and Finn and approached us very carefully. “Hey Eileen, good to see you again” she welcomed me. “Good to see you again Emma. You grew so much!” I said. “Oh really?” she laughed and blushed a bit. Then she looked at Finn. “So this is Finn?” “Yes” I smiled proud. “He looks so cute and so calm.” “Oh he’s not always as calm as right now” Josh laughed. He looked at me and wanted to signalize me that Emma really gave her best. And she did. She was so nice and she really meant it. I could feel it. We talked a lot about her school, about her grandma and of course about Finn. She always looked at him and then she stroked his belly what he liked.

Josh made some barbecue for dinner so we sat down to enjoy a delicious barbecue in our new, old home. “So Emma, how was your friend’s birthday yesterday?” Josh wanted to know and they started talking. I looked at the four of us and kind of felt home now. I guess I wouldn’t have done this without Josh. But without Josh I wouldn’t have a baby now. After a while Josh looked at me. I knew what would follow. He had a surprise for Emma. I knew this topic was in his mind for months now and we really talked a lot about it when we were still in New York. To be honest, we even talked about it in the months before Finn was born. But it was never really a topic until Josh got the call that Emma’s grandma had to stay in the hospital. So we decided something and now he wanted to tell her. “So Emma” Josh started again. She looked at him. “Yes?” she said. “Eileen and I had a few talks lately and we discussed something really important for you in the past weeks” “You talked about me?” she wondered. “Yes, only about your positive sides” Josh laughed. “But I….we…came to a conclusion about your future” “You won’t put me to a boarding school, don’t you?” “No we won’t” “Do I have to go back to Chino? I don’t want to. I would rather stay at Cassie’s house until I would turn 18” “No….you don’t have to go back to Chino and you don’t have to stay at Cassie’s house – although I guess you would like to” Emma was still looking at Josh. Full of expectations. “So, what is it you want to discuss with me then?” she asked again. “Emma, I decided to adopt you” Josh finally said.

I looked at her and I could see the surprise but also the overwhelming emotions in her face. She didn’t see it coming. I guess she never really saw it coming. Of course she was thankful that Josh did take care of her after her mother left but since he moved to New York one year ago and she lived with her grandma, she didn’t really think about it, I guess. But now he told her and I guess I’ve never seen a happier child. Of course she also looked overwhelmed like she couldn’t believe it. Then she started crying. “Josh….you….you really want to do this?” she asked while still crying. “Yes, I do” he smiled and put his arms around her. “But….we never really talked about it. You even moved to New York to have an own family…” she still seemed to be in surprise. “I know….but I never forgot you. You’re still this little girl that was totally on her own after your mother left us. I couldn’t stop taking care of you. I couldn’t let you behind. And now that you’re already a part of my life for almost four years, I feel like I have to take care of you. Now that your grandma has to go to rehab and has some health issues, this was the logical consequence. That’s also a reason we came back to LA” Josh told her and I could see in his eyes that he was about to cry, too. “But….you didn’t come back to LA because of me?” Emma asked. “No….not only because of you….I guess we both wanted to come back some day” Josh said and looked at me smiling. I agreed and nodded. “Yes we did. Maybe not that soon but still….LA is our home” He was right. We wanted to come back. I did too. But the more I think about it the happier I am with our decision because knowing that my family was just half an hour away and could also take care of our son some day was a good feeling. It calmed me down. In New York we didn’t have anyone who could take care of Finn when we had to work or whatever. Of course it didn’t really happen that Josh and I both had to work, thanks to my freelance job and his individual music projects. We were very grateful to have these jobs that could let us take care of our child very well without finding a nanny some day or asking our parents to help us. But knowing that both of our families were living near us was a good feeling. I also wanted Finn to grow up together with Molly’s and Eric’s family and also with his my brother’s children, his cousins. So it was the right decision to come back. I knew that we would have done it anyway in the near future. Maybe not that soon and not that stressful, but still.

Emma was smiling and looked at me. “Thank you Eileen….and sorry for behaving like the last time I saw you. I guess I was just afraid to lose Josh” “I can totally understand your feelings.” I smiled at her. “So….now we’re a family and Finn is…like…my little stepbrother?” “In a way” I smiled at her. “But….adoption procedure will take time” Josh let her know. “I don’t care….I just don’t know how to thank you. What to say. I’m speechless. I mean, my mother left you, and now you’re adopting me….I can’t find words Josh….I’m so greatful” she said with tears in her eyes. Josh put his arms around her and squeezed her. I looked at them, then I looked at Finn and I realized that we would be a family very soon. Maybe we even were one. Maybe

Coming back to LA was weird but also the right decision. When I saw my family again and saw their happiness in their faces when they saw Finn, I understood what Josh meant when he said “We both belong here”. He was right. We both grew up here, we worked here, we spent most of our lives here and although I lived abroad for a while I always came back to LA. I guess that’s why you call it home.

__________________

“Goodbye cold Goodbye rain Goodbye sorrow And goodbye shame I'm headin' out west with my headphones on Boarding a flight with a song in the back of my soul And no one knows” (John Mayer - Queen of California)

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didiletyouknooow · 6 years

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67. Baby Appeal II

Hey,

and here’s the next chapter of these two very special chapters of the whole story. I think you can already imagine what will happen in this chapter. I thought it would be the next step that JoshEileen are having a baby!

Have fun reading it. I wish everyone a great weekend!

_______________________

March

“I can’t believe you’re doing this!!!!” I yelled at Josh. “I know….I’m sorry but….I couldn’t cancel these shows. It’s very important for me and….well, they need me” he tried to explain. But I couldn’t understand it. It was just stupid to me.

“Oh and your pregnant girlfriend doesn’t need you?” I asked him and raised my eyebrow. “Eileen” Josh rolled his eyes. “No ‘Eileen’” I said and imitated him. “You should know that I’m mad at you right now. I can’t understand why you have to do a tour right before due date of our baby” “It’s just two weeks” “Yes but what if the baby comes earlier? What do you do then?” “I will be home very fast then….” ”Wow….and don’t you think I already feel swollen and maybe exhausted enough at the end of my pregnancy so I want my boyfriend to be by my side to know that there is someone who can help me if I’m feeling sick?” “I know….but only two weeks” “Yes, you’re touring through the States for two weeks. Congratulations Mr. Klinghoffer. Well-considered decision” I said ironic and left his apartment. I needed a walk. Plus, I had a date with Molly who would visit me in New York today. I didn’t care what Josh was about to do today.

But on my way to the café where I would meet Molly, I was still thinking about my discussion with Josh. He just told me that he would be on a short two weeks tour through the States right before our baby would be born. It wasn’t a Chili Peppers or Dot Hacker tour – that doesn’t mean I would be okay if he would do a spontaneous tour with the Chilis or the Dots right now, but I would try to understand it. But the fact the he would be touring with some musician friends through very small clubs made me mad. A club tour with unknown musicians. That’s it. Nothing special. At least to me it didn’t look like something special he HAS to do. I always was very understanding when it came to his music but this time I wasn’t. I was pissed off. I couldn’t understand him. Who leaves his pregnant girlfriend alone right before birth?

“Wow….six months and you’re still looking so beautiful” Molly welcomed me. We haven’t seen each other in a very long time. She stayed away from me and Josh and many other friends. Of course I wondered what was wrong but Josh only told me that she and Eric had some trouble going on in their marriage. So I stopped asking her. But when I found out about my pregnancy I called her because she was still one of my best friends. We started talking on the phone again and skyped a few times since then. Now we could finally find some time to see each other face to face again.

Molly would stay for three days in New York. So we did a walk through the park and had some coffee. But since I was already feeling like a rollmops I wasn’t able to take a very long walk.

“How many weeks do you have left?” Molly wanted to know. “I’m 23 weeks now….so still a few more weeks left” I told her. “Oh, time will fly” she assured me. “I know…it already did. I still remember the day I found out about the pregnancy….and now look at me. Six months pregnant. I can’t deny it anymore” I laughed. “No you can’t” she joined me laughing.

Although Molly seemed very happy about my pregnancy and she asked many questions – and of course gave me a lot of advices from one mother to the other – she still seemed a bit sad. As if something was wrong with her.

“So….how was your past year?” I wanted to know. “Oh, stop asking….” She replied. “Okay….” I was confused. “Sorry for this harsh response” she laughed. “I’m just….it was a tough year for Eric and me” “I’ve heard about it. Josh told me a little bit but….Eric never told him the reason for your problems” “I know….and I guess Eric never told him because we both didn’t want to talk about it” “But what happened? I only remember you two diverge from us” “We did….you know, it was tough” she said and suddenly started crying. I didn’t know how to react so I just hugged her and didn’t question it. “You know” Molly said after stopping the tears for a moment. “I almost screwed it up.” “You? How?” I didn’t understand her cryptic words.

“I cheated on him” she told me and looked to the floor. I was shocked. No….she never did that….Molly? I never thought she could do this. “What? But Molly….” I said. She nodded. “When? With whom?” “I was on a short trip with my sister and some girlfriends….we were at a bar, there were these two guys. They were younger than us. My sister and one friend left earlier because they were tired so another friend of mine and I stayed. When she left with one of these guys I was alone with the other and….I was drunk. It just happened” “Molly…this is….wow, I can’t believe it” “I didn’t want that….” “I know….” “It just happened. I mean, Eric and I had some difficulties and we didn’t talk that much anymore but….I still loved him, you know? But I forgot it that night. I was so drunk and….it just happened….” She repeated these last three words over and over again. “And did you tell Eric?” “After three months I did” “Why….after three months?” “I couldn’t tell him. I felt so disgusted and awful. I felt so bad because I loved him. When I came home from this trip I loved him more than I ever did. He made me the happiest girl on earth and suddenly I screwed it up. I felt so bad….but I couldn’t tell him. I wanted to forget it.” “But he deserved the truth” “I know he did…..my sister told me. She was so mad at me. I mean, I was risking my little family. I mean, we are married and we have a daughter….” “So why didn’t you tell him?” “I did….I made a pact with myself. I had to get tested, you know….STDs and so….” “What the fuck Molly….you didn’t protect yourself?” “No….” “Wow….how can you?” “I don’t know….” She almost started crying again. “But” she sobbed. “I made a pact that I have to tell him if the test result would be positive for anything….” “Don’t tell me you….” I started saying but she was shaking her head. “No….but Eric saw me being a mess after I came home from the doctor. Although everything was fine I was still nervous and rattled. So he asked me and I couldn’t lie anymore. So I told him. And he listened to me. After five minutes he left. I cried the whole night. Two days later he came back and wanted to talk. He wanted to fight. I wanted to fight. So we both decided to see a therapist so….since April last year, we’re fighting for our marriage and I hope that we’ll make it. We got closer again and I have the feeling that it will be okay”

I couldn’t believe what Molly just told me. She really cheated on her husband. Molly. The woman from whom I would never ever think she can do something like that. But she did. Suddenly I was afraid and I felt panic arising in me.

“What’s wrong Eileen?” she asked me. “I don’t know….it sounds so stupid now that you told me your story about your marriage….but I guess I’m totally afraid that Josh could cheat on me” “Why?” “Look at me, I’m looking like an elephant right now. I can totally understand if he doesn’t find me attractive anymore” “Eileen….stop thinking about that! He will never ever cheat on you. He loves you so much. He won’t do that- Plus, Josh is not that superficial and you know that” “I know but why does he go on a tour right before our baby will be born? He just told me today….I can’t believe it. He knows exactly how afraid I am to give birth…..he knows that I don’t want to do it alone without him. But what if the baby comes earlier when he’s not here?” “Hm, I don’t know why he does it but….music is important to him, you know” “I know Molly. I know since I first met him! And I always supported his job and his music and in the past year I always understood when he had to take a later flight to New York because he had to finish a song or so….I always understood it. But this time…..this time, I just can’t” I told her with tears in my eyes.

It was the truth. I was afraid to give birth. I mean, all this pain, all these horror stories I’ve heard and read. I don’t know if I could do that without him. “I want him to be there when our baby will be born. He shouldn’t be touring through the States!” I sobbed. Molly took his arm around me and tried to calm me down. “He will be there. I’m sure….your baby won’t come earlier, so Josh will be there. I know it. And don’t be afraid. You can still get some pain killers….and in the end you won’t think about the pain when you’re holding your baby in your hands” Molly assured me and wiped my tears away. “And he won’t cheat on you. Never” “But he had all these girls in the past so….it wasn’t difficult for him having sex with a stranger” I said. “Eileen, don’t” Molly told me. “It’s in the past. Josh will never ever cheat on you. I promise you” “You can’t promise it” “But I assure you he won’t….he loves you. Believe me. He just told Eric that he’s the happiest guy on earth” Molly smiled at me. “But why does he has to do this tour and risk to not be here when our baby is born?” I repeated my question. “He will be there, I’m sure”

June

I felt so fat. I couldn’t see my feet. I couldn’t see my legs. I felt puffy and not good. After spending six weeks together with Josh in New York – which already felt like being a family – he had to leave for this short tour with some friends. He accompanied them to play the piano. I still wasn’t happy about his decision to be on tour while I was home being pregnant. But we talked about it several times and I accepted it. I couldn’t change his mind. I was nine months pregnant and he just left. It wasn’t fair. I was so mad at him the day before he left.

I spent most of the days I had left until the baby would be born on the sofa. I was doing home office for three weeks now. It felt good when Josh was still here in New York. We woke up next to each other. He always kissed my belly in the evening and in the morning. We breakfasted, did a walk with Vilma and Bowie – he already brought his dog to New York and the two got along very well together. Sometimes we went to the cinema or the theatre and when I wasn’t feeling well we stayed at home. Josh started cooking for me in the past weeks and it was always so delicious. He even took care of the things I wasn’t allowed to eat during pregnancy. It was just a great time. I truly enjoyed it and couldn’t wait to welcome our baby in a few weeks.

But since Josh left, I felt lonely. There wasn’t anyone who was with me at night. Sometimes I almost panicked when I noticed a piercing pain. I saw my doctor almost every day because I was so scared something could be wrong with the baby. I tried to distract me from my worries while working and met a few times with Megan to talk about future projects for our blog. I was so glad that she was managing everything in the office so well. She told me I should take the time off that I needed after the birth.

But every time she left, I felt alone again. Of course I called Josh and we skyped very often but it wasn’t the same. Maybe it was due to my pregnancy hormones but I truly missed him and felt so alone. I never felt lonelier before.

But Josh suddenly he came home one day with a huge bouquet of flowers and with lots of delicious things I was allowed to eat. He apologized again for doing this tour right now. I just smiled and hugged him. I mean, I couldn’t stop him from doing it, right?

He told me he had to see “us” so he came home for one day between his shows. It felt weird to hear these words. Us. The baby and me. How would it feel like if the baby is already born?

He looked tired but instead of falling into our bed he showered, told me to sit down at the sofa, and he cooked dinner for us. Afterwards we cuddled and stayed at the sofa watching a movie. It was just this typical comfy time I need with my boyfriend.

Josh realized how sensitive I was during my pregnancy and he always tried to take care of it. He truly helped and supported me, especially when I was having a bad day. He started reading guides for being a parent and also pregnancy guides. Sometimes he started massaging me when we were lying in bed and he always told me not to carry heavy things. Sometimes he was even a little bit too overprotected. But I loved it. I missed all these things he did when he was on tour.

We decided to not ask our doctor about the sex of our child. We wanted to be surprised.

But of course we were thinking of names.

“What do you think of Constantin?” Josh asked me. “No….not my type of name” “Or what about Stephan?” “My ex was called Steven….so no” “Hm….what about Marcus?” “Hm….I don’t know….what about Zach?” “I’m not sure….” Josh replied. “Philipp?” “Maybe….but….maybe as a middle name?”

I had the feeling that Josh and I couldn’t agree on one name. We discussed it so often but every time one was suggesting a name the other wasn’t happy with it.

“How’s Emma doing?” I changed the topic. It was a sunny morning and Josh and I were enjoying the day at his balcony. He had to fly back to Chicago in the evening. “She’s doing fine. The vacation time is about to begin” “Does she go back to Chino?” “She plans to do it….but she also plans to go on a vacation to San Francisco with her friends’ family” Josh told me.

I didn’t see her in the past weeks since I wasn’t allowed to take flight. But Josh was taking care of her in May when her grandma had to go to hospital for two weeks. I could see that he truly loved her as his stepdaughter and that he was still hurt that Emma didn’t accept that Josh and I were having a baby. But he had the feeling that these two weeks brought them back together. They got closer and he tried to talk about it again. She listened to him and even asked him how I was doing. We took that as a positive sign.

“Yes….so she won’t be there when the baby comes” Josh said. “Is she accepting it yet?” I wanted to know. “She tries to….we had a huge fight the other day. You know….she still doesn’t understand it. She feels dropped because I started a new relationship with you and she doesn’t know if I will still taking care of her. I mean….most of the time she’s living with her grandma in their house next to mine but….well” “You’re still her attachment figure” I told him. “I know….but she has to accept that I have to take care of you and this little human in your bump” he said and was stroking my belly. “I’m so happy Eileen….I never felt happier before. I can’t wait to welcome this little bird in your belly….I can’t wait to be a father” he told me before kissing me.

It felt so good to hear Josh’s words and with saying this he took my worries away. I stopped worrying about him cheating on me. I knew it was stupid. I knew he would never do this. I also stopped worrying about him not making it to the birth. I knew I had to trust him and I did.

We already decorated everything for the new human in our life. We decorated the room in Josh’s apartment. We decided to move in together in his apartment because it was bigger than my tiny apartment. I couldn’t wait to live like a real family together with Josh, the baby and our doges. We were still a bit unsure and afraid what will happen with Vilma and Bowie if a baby would enter our life. But we believed that the two dogs would start loving the baby from the get go.

One week later….

It happened in the early afternoon. I felt a piercing pain in my bump. Just a few minutes later my water broke. I almost freaked out. Vilma and Bowie came towards me and sat down. Vilma even licked my hand. But I had to do something. I took my phone and called Megan. She arrived fife minutes later.

“I already called an ambulance” she let me know. “And I called Josh” “Thanks” was the only thing I could say before the pain came back. The ambulance finally arrived.

After driving to the hospital where I planned to give birth the doctor did a check up. “You still have some time” he assured me. “But the pain is so….heavy” I told him. “I know….it will go away. A few minutes and it will go away. But if the contractions are heavier it will finally start” Oh well, I was afraid.

At least Megan was there. I was so happy to have a friend like her by my side. Since all my best friends weren’t living in New York – Lara in Berlin and Molly in LA – it was good to know that there was at least one person left in New York. “You’ll do this and Josh will make it until the baby is born” she told me. “I don’t know….he’s in Boston today” “It’s not that far away….” ”I know….but still….” The pain came back. “I just want him to be here” I cried on Megan’s shoulder. “He’ll be here…..believe me….he will” she assured me.

Two hours later….

I could find a few minutes of sleep between the contractions but by now the pain and the contractions got heavier and faster. My doctor told me I still had some time but it wouldn’t last so long anymore. Wow, I can’t say that it calmed me down.

“Do you know where he is now?” I asked Megan. She shook my had. “He just texted me one hour ago that he is in the plane” “He won’t make it…..” I told while feeling the pain again.

Another hour later

“So, Miss Puritz, it’s the last chance to get a peridural anesthesia now” my doctor told me. Although I decided weeks ago that I would take it, I was unsure about it now. I was afraid. So afraid. But the pain was so heavy. “I just want to wait until my boyfriend is here….” I said with tears in my eyes. “I’m sorry Miss Puritz but it’s the last chance. Do you want a PDA or not?” I thought about it for a moment, then I looked at Megan who nodded. “Okay, let’s do this” I told the doctor.

Two hours later

I was already feeling so exhausted while giving birth when suddenly a familiar face entered the room. It was Josh. He made it. I didn’t care about the fact that he decided to tour a few weeks before the due date or the fact that he came very late – now he was there and this was the most important thing to me. I took his hand and looked at him. He smiled and already tried to take the pain away. Despite the fact that I decided to get a PDA, it still hurt. “Another push Miss Puritz” the midwife told me. “I can’t” I told her. “Yes, you can” “No….” I said with tears in my eyes. I felt so exhausted. I was lying here for seven hours. I couldn’t do this anymore. “Eileen” Josh suddenly said and knelt down at me. “You can’t do it” he assured me. “You will give birth to our beautiful little baby and I will always love you for that. I believe in you. You’re strong” “But….” I said. “One push!” the midwife repeated. “Great and another one in a few seconds….I can already see the head” she informed us. Josh took a look to her hands and….suddenly looked very pale in his face. “I’m….I…..um, I think I” he stuttered. Another midwife took his hand helped him to sit down at a chair. He was sweating. “You must be kidding!” I screamed at him. “I’m lying here, waiting for you for hours and now that you’re here you’re almost collapsing?????” “Miss Puritz, keep calm” the midwife told me. “No….I can’t I…..no!” I couldn’t understand it. “It’s all natural okay?” I let him know. “It’s just blood!” “Your boyfriend seems to be hypoglycaemic” the midwife informed me. “I don’t care” I said with tears in my eyes. “The last push” the other midwife told me. And there it was.

“He’s so beautiful” Josh whispered when we were holding our baby boy in our hands. “He is” I responded and looked at Josh. Yes, I was mad at him for almost collapsing in the delivery room. It was such a cliche. But now that we were holding our baby in our hands, I forgot everything. Molly was right. In the end you don’t care about the pain or anything else. The most important thing is that mother and child are healthy.

Later, when Josh and our baby already fell asleep I sent my parents a picture of the three of us and texted them.

“We are happy to inform you about the birth of our first baby boy Finn Adam Klinghoffer. Born on June, 23, 2:43 am in New York City. We’re both very happy. We’re all three fine but very tired now. I will call you tomorrow. Love, Eileen <3”

________________

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didiletyouknooow · 6 years

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66. Baby Appeal

Hey,

HAPPY NEW YEAR to all of you! I hope you started the new year with your loved ones! Personally the last year was great for me. Not only did I make many new experiences, I also kept writing this story. I wouldn’t have done it if people wouldn’t have read it. So THANKS TO YOU for reading and liking my story.Thank you for 367 followers! I never thought that my story would get that much attention when I started it. And again sorry if there are any language mistakes, you know, English isn’t my first language. There are still a few chapters left. The journey goes on and I have some ideas left for these two people. This new chapter brings some changes to Josh’s & Eileen’s life. A huge change.

I also thought about beginning to write a complete own story in the future. Before starting JoshEileen, I already wrote two fanfictions, one about a skijumper and one about a German football player (maybe you know Mats Hummels? :D). So if I find the time in the near future I will create a new story and will let you know where I will upload it.

But right now, I hope you’ve fun reading the new chapter. Since the next chapter is almost finished, I will post it at the end of the week :)

___________________

October

Today was the day. Josh would come back home after one month of touring. The Chilis went to Europe again and had one week off now until they would hit the road again to tour Latin America and Australia.

I was happy that he would come back. Since I had to go back home in August when we planned to spend a week in LA I decided to take one week off from work. I wanted to spend Josh’s week off with him in LA. So I took a flight from JFK to LAX yesterday and was already waiting for him at the airport.

It was weird picking him up from the airport in LA. I usually did it in New York. But here in LA I could drive to the airport with Josh’s car.

I waited an hour because their flight was a bit delayed. Finally I saw him at the exit. I waved at him and he smiled when he saw me. We finally kissed again and remained in a hug for minutes.

Afterwards I welcomed Anthony and Flea as well until they went to their cars and left. “Finally” I whispered at Josh. “It was a long time….” He agreed. “Almost six week” I let him know. Before going on tour again Josh visited me in New York for three days. But as usually, it was too short. We didn’t see each other for more than one week in the last two months – which was hard. “But now we have one week off. Seven days. And I already know what we’ll do” Josh grinned at me. “Okay? What are we going to do?” I was surprised. “We’re driving home now but tomorrow morning we’re going to Malibu for three days. A friend of mine rented me his house” “What?” “No obligations” Josh grinned and got into the car.

We left in the early morning and drove to Malibu. Josh rented a house at the beach which was perfect. I loved this place although I didn’t have the feeling that Josh and I belonged to this place. We didn’t like all these luxury. “The house is beautiful” I marveled when we arrived there. “It is!” Josh agreed and I followed him to the balcony from where you had a great view at the ocean. “Wow….just….wow” I was kind of speechless. Josh and I spend a day at the beach – yes he accompanied me although he doesn’t like the sun that much – afterwards we had barbecue and finally took a walk at the beach until we laid down at the couch on the balcony and listened to music. It was so romantic. Maybe a little bit too romantic if you know what I mean….

We spent the next day in bed. We needed the rest, the bonding and the feelings. I missed him so much and I was so glad that we could finally spent one week together – and I loved his surprise to rent a house at the beach in Malibu.

When we came back to El Sereno Emma was already awaiting us. She mostly spent her days with her grandma in their house but her grandma had to go back to Chino for a few days so she stayed with us.

I decided to make pizza on our first evening we spent together. While Josh was watching some sports Emma and I were in the kitchen making pizza together. “Do you like tuna?” I asked her. “Of course!” she smiled. “Great…then let’s put some tuna on the pizza” “My mom never made pizza with tuna” Emma told me. “Why?” “Because she hated it” “Hm….I’m sorry….” I didn’t know how to react to a sentence like that. It always made me insecure and uncomfortable when Emma was talking about her mother. “It’s okay….I like you Eileen” she smiled at me. It melted my heart. Since Josh and I started our third serious relationship I tried to get along with Emma but I barely saw her so it still took me some time to get to know her. “Are you moving to LA some day?” Emma wanted to know. “Well….maybe. I don’t know. I have a job in New York, you know” “Yes, but Josh told me you will quit it because your blog will increase and you can make money with it?” “Um, yes kind of” I answered. It made me insecure talking about this topic.

It was true that Megan and I took the offer by this company and agreed a business deal. They would support us so we could hire two co workers and write more articles. They would also sponsor the advertisement for our blog on the internet so our blog would hopefully be known all over the States – some day. A lot has happened since we agreed the business deal in August. Now, two months later, we were just about to hire our first graphic designer who would be paid by the company. In November a freelance writer would start and we also planned to hire an intern. Crazy times right now. But I still didn’t think of quitting my job because there was still much work to do before we would be financial independent and could live by only working for the blog.

“I think Josh would be very happy if you would move back to California” Emma let me know. “I know he would….but, you know. Sometimes adults have to make decisions and it’s not that easy, especially if you have a job. You can’t just quit it” “My mom did it several times” Emma let me know. Again I didn’t know how to react. I only smiled. “Will you marry Josh?” the red hair girl looked at me. “Um, well…I don’t know. I mean, not right now” I chuckled. “But you know each other for a very long time now, right?” “Yes….” “Eight years? Wow….my mom never had a boyfriend for eight years….” “Well, Josh and I were only….friends. You know….so it is a new situation now” I told her. I knew that it wasn’t the truth but it seemed too complicated to explain a twelve year old girl the story of our two failed relationships. “Really? Just friends? My grandma told me that you and Josh dated before. But it didn’t work out. Because life happened. I don’t know what she meant by saying this….” I bit my lip. I didn’t know what to say. Did Josh tell Emma about our on-off relationship or was it only her grandma who told her? “Well….your grandma is right. Sometimes life happens” “But why? I mean, if I’m in love, I’m in love. It seems so easy….at least I guessed it’s easy. You tell the person you love that you love him and then you will be happy” “You know Emma, as a grown up nothing is as easy as it is when you’re a child” I told her.

Having dinner with Josh and Emma was great. It was the first time that only the three of us were spending time together. I liked it because it was a good way to get to know Emma a little bit more. It was still weird that Josh was her stepfather now but….I got used to it.

“Emma and you are getting along very well, right?” Josh noticed later that night. “We do! She’s so lovely” I told him with a smile on my face. “She is!” he agreed. “But she can be a little bit stressful sometimes” “Oh who wasn’t stressful at the age of 12?” I laughed. “You’re right” he grinned. “But no matter how great this day with Emma was….now we’re finally back together. Just the two of us. And I think we have to make good for a lot” he grinned and started kissing me and putting my clothes off. “Josh….not here, not right now” I warned him. He looked confused. “Why? It’s my bedroom” “Yes, but Emma is next door” I whispered. “So what?” he laughed. “I don’t know…..Don’t you think it’s weird if we have….sex when your stepdaughter is sleeping next door?” “Well…that’s like life as a parent is like” he chuckled. “It’s like being 18 again while still living at your parents house and you had to be quiet during sex so your parents won’t find out” I told him. “But they always knew” Josh grinned. “Probably” I sighed. “Stop thinking about it. She won’t hear anything….she’s asleep” he calmed me down and kept kissing me…

November

“Only one week left until I will see you again! Until I can kiss my lovely girlfriend again. As long as I want because I don’t have to leave for another tour leg. It feels great! I’m counting the days. This tour leg makes me sick. Australia is too hot for me. I know I’m a Californian native but….I don’t like the sun. And I don’t like the heat. Australia has a beautiful landscape but I’m just sick of this heat. I spent most of the time during our three days off at Flea’s house while the others were surfing or making a bike tour. I read a lot of good books and watched movies. I think I was the only person who waited until the sun went down before I left the house, haha. I’m just an idiot, haha.

Miss you Eileen…..Love you.

Btw….my parents asked me if we want to spend thanksgiving at their house. I told them we’ll be there.

J….”

While I was reading these lines I was about to vomit again. I was feeling so sick to my stomach. I didn’t know why. I mean, I didn’t have any spoiled food – I guess. But in the back of my head there was a thought what the reason for my sickness could have been. But I stopped thinking about it.

“Hey, so we’re seeing each other tomorrow at lunch, right? I already talked to our graphic designer Kevin and he told me we should definitely hire our second applicant as an intern” Megan was talking to me. But I didn’t really listen. I was feeling so sick. I thought about telling her but….I was afraid. “What’s wrong with you, Eileen?” she asked me. So you could probably see it in my face that I was feeling sick. “I’m just….I’m feeling sick to my stomach” I let her know. “Oh, did you upset your stomach?” she asked. I nodded. “Um, I guess….um” I stuttered. Megan was looking at me and didn’t quite understand. “Megan, can you stay a little bit longer after work….I have to do something” “Well….okay” she responded. I guess she already knew what I was going to do.

“Are you overdue?” she asked me when I went into the bathroom stall. “A little bit” I told her. “What does ‘a little bit’ mean in your language?” she responded. “Um, well….two weeks” “Two weeks? And you didn’t do a test earlier?” “No….” “Why not?” “Because….because….I was afraid” I told her and left the bathroom stall. “So now we have to wait five minutes” she informed me and took the test. “I hate it” I said. “Well, you shouldn’t hate it. You’re old enough to start a family, you have a lovely boyfriend and a serious relationship. It would be perfect if you’re pregnant” “What? No….it wouldn’t be perfect at all. I mean, look at me. I’m living in New York, Josh is living in LA….how should we have child then?” “Well, you obviously had enough time for making a baby so….you’ll have time for having one” “I hate your sarcasm” I looked at Megan. Silence. “So….here’s the deal: I will take a look at the test now because the five minutes are over. And if you’re not pregnant I will give you the test” “And what if I’m pregnant?” “Then I will…..” she said and already took a look at the test. She didn’t change her facial impression. “Megan, what does it say? Am I pregnant?” I asked in shock. She didn’t say a word. She just handled me the test. “What the fuck…..” was my first reaction.

Fiveteen minutes later Megan and I were still sitting in our office all by ourselves. I was still shocked because of the result. “I can’t believe it” I said. “Eileen, it’s not the end of the world. You’re pregnant! You should be happy. I mean, not every woman at the age of 35 can get pregnant so easily” “I know but….how should we do it? How should we handle it? I don’t know….I really don’t know” “You two will do it” she assured me and put her arms around my neck. “And what if Josh doesn’t want to have a child? I mean, he already has Emma and….” ”Eileen, stop worrying too much. Josh will be a great father. He already proved it while taking care of Emma. But Emma is not his own child so I can imagine he wants to have own kids some day….and if not with you, then with whom?” She was right. I don’t know with whom I could imagine having kids if not with Josh? But I was so afraid he didn’t feel the same. “You’ll see your doctor tomorrow and then you’ll tell Josh about the lovely secret when he’s back from tour, okay?” I loved how Megan always had a plan in situations where I was totally confused and overwhelmed. “Okay….” “How did you find out? I mean, only feeling sick or….” “I knew I was too late but I didn’t care. I thought it was because of the stress. The morning sickness started a few days ago….but I thought there was something wrong with my stomach….I never thought I could be pregnant. I mean, I didn’t even have sex in the past weeks” I said sarcastic. “Well, but Josh had a week off in October, right?” Megan grinned. “Yes….” I sighed. “See, now here’s the result” “I love your humor” I let her know and rolled my eyes.

After my talk with Megan I was determined that I would tell Josh about my pregnancy when he would come back home from tour. Since he arrived in the late evening one day before Thanksgiving, I already took a flight to LA a few hours earlier. I visited my parents but didn’t tell them. Josh should be the first one to know – okay Megan didn’t count here because I needed a friend who encouraged me to tell everyone and to be happy about the pregnancy - which was still difficult for me. Yesterday I saw my doctor in New York who told me that I was seven weeks pregnant and my due date would be on June 29. This time I wasn’t insecure and confused when leaving my doctor. I was happy and looking forward to the future. But although my doctor stilled my fears to lose my unborn child again, I was still a bit worried. But I tried to not think about it. I had to do a check up in a few weeks which was necessary for every woman who lost a child before. But I didn’t think about that today.

When Josh came home I was already in bed. It was 2am. He tried to be as quiet as he could but I woke up. And I was excited to finally see him again after five weeks of touring through the world. He came into his bedroom, didn’t turn on the lights and instead tried to walk to the bed in the darkness. When he was finally lying in the bed I put my arms around him and kissed him.

The next morning begun like every other morning in the past week for me: I woke up early because I was sick again and had to vomit. So I got up from the bed and tried to be quiet so I wouldn’t wake up my boyfriend. Then I got back in bed and tried to sleep but I couldn’t. I was too excited.

Megan encouraged me to be happy about the pregnancy and to tell Josh about it. I shouldn’t be worried that he wouldn’t want a child. Of course it wasn’t planned – it just happened. But she was right, we were both old enough, we had both good jobs and we would figure it out where to live and how to live. We would find a way. I was sure about that.

So when Josh finally woke up I gave him a kiss.

“Wow, what a great welcoming this morning” he smiled and kissed me back. Then he laid on top of me and wanted to go further. “Do you have a rub….?” he asked me. “Wait” I stopped him. “You don’t want one?” “No it’s just….um, let’s just cuddle okay?” “Well, okay” Josh grinned and stopped what he had already started. We just laid there and I tried to find the right way to tell him. But I didn’t know how. Josh told me about their latest tour leg and what he did in Down Under and Latin America. I loved listening to his touring stories but today I couldn’t concentrate on it. There was something on my mind and I had to voice it. Suddenly Josh got up. “I’m having a shower. Should we have breakfast afterwards? I’m starving!” he told me. When I was thinking about food I was feeling sick again. But I nodded. So Josh was showering and I was still thinking on how to tell him about my pregnancy. I texted Megan – yeah, I know it was stupid but she always had these great ideas. And this time she had a very good idea as well.

When Josh came back from the bathroom I knew he was looking for his phone. That’s what he always did after showering. Checking E-Mails and messages. Just like today. “Um, babe, did you see my phone?” he asked me. “Well, maybe it’s in your bed?” I suggested. Josh never used his phone in bed lately. He tried to stop checking e-mails and other stuff while already or still lying in bed. But today I put his phone on his pillow because….well…. “Oh I found it. You were….right” he said but then stopped. He saw the other thing I located next to his phone in his pillow. “Um, what….” Josh stuttered and then took the pregnancy test in his hands. He looked at it. Then he looked at me and back to the test. “Eileen, is this….” he started asking me. I nodded. I already had tears in my eyes and I couldn’t stop them. I thought it was because of my hormones. “Oh my gosh…..are you pregnant? We’re having a baby????” Josh suddenly asked. I looked at him. In this moment I was afraid of his next reaction. It could have been anger and a total negative reaction or it could have been joy and happiness.

“Wow….wow….I’m speechless. We’re having a baby” he said and put his arms around me to squeeze me. I smiled at him and we kissed. It seemed like we both couldn’t believe it. “Happy thanksgiving” I whispered in his ears. “Wow….I think I never had a better gift than yours this year” he let me know. “I’m so glad you’re not freaking out” I told him. “Why should I freak out?” Josh couldn’t understand my worries. “I don’t know….we never talked about having kids.” “But I already have Emma and….I’m used to it. I guess I changed my whole opinion about having kids in the past year. I love kids” he smiled all over his face. “Yes but….I wasn’t sure. I thought maybe it was too exhausting taking care of Emma so you don’t want to have kids in the near future” “Eileen. How can you say so? I love kids and I love you. And I love the fact that we’re having a baby next year….how far….” He started asking. “Seven weeks. Due date is in June” “Oh great! I’ll be home in June. No touring in summer. Only a few shows in spring but that’s okay….best timing ever” he laughed. “Great” I smiled. “Seriously, you’re making me the happiest guy on earth! I can’t wait to tell my parents today” “Wait….um, maybe we should wait until telling everyone because….there is a check up I have to do in two weeks and….well” “Babe, you don’t have to worry. Everything will be fine. I know it” he said and stroked my belly. Of course you couldn’t see anything yet. “I know but….you know, after the miscarriage five years ago I’m just afraid. Plus, I’m not the youngest woman anymore” “Pff, youngest woman? Who said that?” “My doctor….you’re called a late mother after you’ve turned 35” “Well, don’t care about that. Everything will be great. I know it. I feel it” he said and kissed my bow.

Later we visited Josh’s parents for Thanksgiving. His mother cooked turkey and we all enjoyed our meal. I guess they were happy that Josh and I were back together. I knew that they liked me and from a secret source I knew that especially Josh’s mother didn’t like the other girls Josh dated in the past five years. Although he was kind of serious with Helen his mother didn’t like her – but pssssst, I didn’t know it, I bird aka Molly just told me.

I guess for the first time in years I was thankful on this day. Thankful to have Josh back in my life and to start a new life very soon. After dinner Josh wanted to spread the bomb. I was nervous and still didn’t feel that comfortable with telling his parents about my pregnancy but I had the feeling that Josh died to tell them because he was so happy. “So mom, dad, my lovely little sister and her family…..I want to share some news with you” Josh suddenly said. “Okay….a new music project?” his father joked. “Or maybe he has bought a new car. Josh, didn’t you want to buy a new car soon? I mean, your car is so small” her mother suggested. “Mom, it’s not that small. But yeah, maybe I have to buy a bigger car for the future” Josh said and looked at me smiling. “Why? Did you buy a new piano or so” his dad was still joking. “No….” Josh answered. “But our family will become a new member next year” he told his parents. I had the feeling that Josh’s father first didn’t quite understand what his son just told him. But his mother had already tears in her eyes. “Oh my gosh, you’re having a baby?????” she suddenly asked the important question. Josh and I nodded. “Yes mom. Eileen is pregnant” he let them know and took my hand. “Wow, oh well Josh” his mother couldn’t believe it. “After all these girls and all this struggle with Helen you’ve FINALLY found the one…..I mean, you already found her years ago but….wow. And I will be a grandma again! I knew it! I totally knew it!” she was full of joy and hugged us. “Congratulations my son” his dad said and squeezed us as well. “When is the due date?” his mother wanted to know. “In June” I told them. “I hope everything will be fine” “Oh of course it will be my darling” his mother told me. “You will give birth to a lovely and healthy child” she smiled. I tried to believe her words. “Seems like our family is getting bigger and bigger” Josh’s sister Olivia was grinning. She had already two children, a son Raúl and a daughter, Celine. “Yeah, next Thanksgiving we’ll be nine people” Josh smiled and gave me a kiss.

Although I first had my worries about telling Josh’s family about my pregnancy I now was happy about it. His mother encouraged me to be happy and to stop worrying. She also told me that she also had some worries when she was pregnant with Josh’s sister because her pregnancy wasn’t without complications. But in the end everything was fine.

I told my parents the next day and of course they reacted the same way. Full of happiness and joy. After Marc’s children there would be another grandchild. My mom couldn’t believe it. Of course she was a little bit worried too because of my past but…..we tried to distract ourselves from thinking about it. I wanted to look into the future without worries.

The only person who didn’t know about it was Emma. She spent Thanksgiving in Chino with her grandma and her cousins. Josh decided to tell her next week when she would come back to LA. I would be in New York again so I wouldn’t be there. But he assured me that he would tell her very sensitive and carefully. We still didn’t know how she would react if Josh would tell her about his future role as a real father with his own little family. We didn’t want her to feel like an outsider. She still belonged to his family and in a way it was also my family now. We both decided to spend Christmas with her together and I was hoping she would accept our next step and wouldn’t react sulky or shocked.

But when Josh called me a few days later when he was already back in LA, he didn’t have good news. He spoke to Emma and explained her the new situation but she didn’t react nicely. She was furious and couldn’t understand why Josh started a new life without her. He tried to explain her that he loved me and that this is how life is going to be some day. People having kids. But Emma didn’t want to accept it. I guess she already felt like an outsider which was totally wrong. We would both take care of her and our little baby….if she wanted to. But she left his house and went back to her grandma´s. Of course did her grandma already know about it. Josh informed her the other day and she reacted very positive and congratulated us. But her granddaughter couldn’t believe it. Josh didn’t talk to her the following days and she let him know that she will spend Christmas back home in Chino.

The next dayswent by very quickly – just like every year during Christmas season. I was back in New York and working with Megan on our blog. Since our business deal we already had two co workers and an intern would start in a few days. This also meant…..we both quitted our job. Yes we did. It was one of the last two weeks our old job in the office. It wasn’t easy quitting the job and of course I was scary and still am but….we didn’t have any other solution. If we wanted to work for our job in a professional way, we HAD to quit our 9 to 5 job. There wasn’t any other way. Of course our boss wasn’t pleased about our dismissal. But he accepted it and was already looking for two new co workers. Of course he wished us luck but he also told us that we can’t be sure about the success with our blog because the business is so fast moving. We already knew but we thanked him for his openness.

After I told Josh about my dismissal he was happy and suggested that now was the right time to move back to LA. But I had to disappoint him. Since our business partner was located in New York and we already hired two assistants we had to stay in New York for at least one year. And to be honest, I didn’t want to leave the city. I told Josh the truth and he accepted it. We agreed to have a talk about it after Christmas. I think he was already willing to accept that I wanted to stay in New York. I knew that it would also mean that our child would be born in the big apple but I liked the idea. And Josh already thought about moving to the east coast for a longer period of time…..

December

“Charlotte, can you please proof-read this text?” I asked our intern. She nodded and took the paper. While she was busy reading another new text for our blog I asked Megan to have lunch. “We’ll be back in an hour” I told Charlotte and our graphic designer and so we left. “Is everything okay?” Megan asked me when we were heading to our favorite restaurant in Brooklyn. I nodded. “Yes, I’m fine. I’m just starving” I laughed. After ordering our food – it was still not easy for me to take care of the food I was allowed to eat or not. “By the way, did you already got your test?” “Yes, my doctor called me yesterday to let me know that everything was fine and I shouldn’t be afraid of another miscarriage” I told her with a smile on my face. “Great” Megan respond. Josh and I were very happy to hear these good news from my doctor here in New York. I still didn’t quite know what he did at the check up but I didn’t care. Everything was fine. Our baby was healthy and already 10 weeks in my bump.

But there was another topic that frustrated me in the past week. “Megan, I’m a little bit afraid everything is going down just because I’m pregnant” I told her. “Why? We just started with our own business” “I know but….you know, now that we’ve just started….it’s not a good time to be pregnant.” “Eileen….you’re in your thirties….it’s totally normal to start a family at your age” “Yes but now that we both have a business to take care of….I don’t know….I’m just scared that I can’t make it. I don’t want to leave you alone with all the trouble” “Don’t worry about me. I can do it. I’m strong” she laughed. “Plus you can decide how long you want to go to work and when you want to leave. And you can stay away from work as long as you want. I don’t want to put pressure on you. We’re not a company where you have to come back to work two weeks after giving birth” I nodded. I thought about the regulations in Germany where you’re allowed to stay away from work for a much longer period of time – and you’ll still get your money. “But….what if you’re getting sick or so? I mean….what if we’re both not available” “Eileen” Megan tried to calm me down. “We can both work from home, right? And I guess if we’re talking to our business partners they offer us money so we can hire another writer who can also regulate everything.” “And what if not?” “Then….we have to pay this co worker on our own. But….don’t worry. We don’t need anyone. We’re a team of three with two freelancer writers and an intern. We can do this” “I know but…I’m just afraid that our business partners stop supporting us because I’m pregnant now and I won’t write and regulate as much as I would if I wouldn’t be pregnant” “Eileen…you really have to stop worrying. It makes you sick. You look so pale” Megan let me know. “Believe me, we both can do this and if we need another co worker and our business partner won’t pay this person, we’ll find a way” “Maybe Josh can give us some money….” “Eileen….we don’t need Josh. We can do this on our own” “But how? I mean….I will have a family in a few months. I can’t pay a co worker from my own money. I’m not rich…” “Believe me….we’ll find a way” Megan assured me.

I tried to believe Megan but I was afraid. I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Now we had an own business to take care of. I wasn’t only a writer who was writing for a newspaper or an online magazine. Now I was my own boss of my own online magazine. And our blog got more and more attention in the media. Other famous New York blogs mentioned us, Megan already gave some interviews about our idea and vision of our blog. I didn’t want to be in the spotlight but I couldn’t hide. So we both did a video interview for a New Yorker TV station and radio station a few days before Christmas. I was so happy that there were only a few days left until the holidays. I felt so exhausted. Megan and I decided to do a Christmas break for two weeks in our office. But before that we wanted to thank our co workers and invited them for dinner in a restaurant in Brooklyn. It was a great evening. I had my favorite pizza and we all had a nice chat. Of course I was a little bit too emotional when I did a short speech to thank our co workers. But I blamed it on my hormones. I was so thankful that we had this great business partner who truly wanted to support our idea of our own blog. I loved writing about every day topics, especially women topics. I guess since I found out about my pregnancy I was even much more enthusiastic in being a feminist. Of course my co workers congratulated me on my pregnancy and they even gave me the first baby toys for Christmas. I thanked them with tears in my eyes. Megan and I also have bought some presents for Kevin, our graphic designer, and Louisa, our Freelance writer and of course Charlotte, our intern. She was a very nice girl. She just started college and wanted to become a writer one day. I liked her ideas and the way she was working. She reminded me a little bit of myself when I was her age, in my early twenties. She was a little bit shy but I had the feeling she would become more and more self-confident. I was like her when I was younger.

When we left the restaurant at 11pm at this last Thursday before Christmas, Josh was already waiting for me. He landed in New York yesterday and we would stay here for a few days together until we would fly home to LA for the holidays.

“Hey” I greeted him and gave him a short kiss. When I turned around I saw Megan who was greeting Josh with a smile and the others who were also very friendly. But then there was Charlotte. She looked shocked. Just like she didn’t expect him to be here. Okay, maybe she didn’t expect him because I never told her about my boyfriend? I mean….why should I? Josh, as nice as he was, approached her and shook her hand. “Hey, I’m Josh” he said and smiled. Charlotte just looked at him. “Um, hi….I’m, I’m Charlotte. I’m the intern“ „Oh I know. I’ve hear about you. My girlfriend told only the good things about you” Josh joked. “Your….girlfriend. Of course Eileen, haha” Charlotte reacted so strange. As if she was really shocked that Josh was not only here, standing right in front of her, but also shocked because he had a girlfriend? “And you two are having a baby. Wow, congratulations” she stuttered. “Thank you” Josh grinned and looked at me. “You’re playing for the Red Hot Chili Peppers, right?” she asked him. Josh nodded. “Yes I do” Wow….I’m….I’m a huge fan and….wow” she seemed overwhelmed. “Well thank you” Josh seemed to feel a bit uncomfortable. “One of my friends has met you two years ago….she was backstage. She knew someone from your crew. She also took a pic with you and sent it to me. Haha, now this is so weird seeing you here” “Well….” Josh still didn’t know what to say. “Nice to meet you Charlotte” he said. “Yes, it’s really nice to meet you Josh” she smiled all over her face but her face was still blushed. “But now I have to drive my pregnant girlfriend home” Josh joked and took my hand. I said everyone goodbye and we left.

“Charlotte is so into Josh. I can’t believe it. Did you see how she looked at him? HAHAHAHA, this is so funny and also cute. Funny and cute. I guess she’s a little bit in love”

Megan just texted me when we arrived at Josh’s apartment. I grinned and started typing.

“Maybe she’s just a fan. ;)”

“No. She’s definitely a little bit into him. Didn’t you see how she looked at him and how weird she behaved? It was so much fun to watch it, haha. I don’t know what shocked her more: the fact that Josh has a gf or the fact that his gf is also her boss AND pregnant. Omg, poor little darling….”

“Megan, stop being mean. She’s a good intern and I really like her!”

“I know….I like her too. It was just cute to watch. I mean, we’ve all been there, right? I was so deep in love with Johnny Depp when I was 20….or with John Meyer….OMG he was so cute. Wow, I guess I’m still not over him. Maybe I will meet him some day…..”

“Of course you will :D”

“Why are you laughing?” Josh asked when we were lying in bed. “Megan started texting me” “Wow, seems like you two can not stop talking to each other for one hour” Josh grinned. “No, it’s….it’s because of Charlotte, our intern” “What’s wrong with her?” “Didn’t you see how she looked at you? I guess she’s a bit into you” I chuckled. “What? No….she’s just a fan” “That’s what you’re saying” I laughed. “Eileen…believe me. She just likes our music” “Oh well, believe me, I’m a woman”

The next day Josh drove me to work and even accompanied me to our office because one of his friends was working in the same building. So after having a coffee in our office he left to see his friend who was working for a different company.

After Josh left Charlotte followed me into the kitchen. “Eileen?” “Yes?” I turned around. “I just….I just wanted to say sorry” “For what?” I didn’t understand. “For my weird behavior yesterday. But I was just a little bit shocked to see Josh standing outside of the restaurant. I mean, I didn’t know he’s your boyfriend and I didn’t expect to meet one of my favorite musicians here in New York so….sorry. I think I just lost myself a little bit. I was just shocked. Maybe you thought I reacted weird but….well, I was just nervous and shocked” “It’s okay” I laughed. “You don’t have to apologize. I mean, you didn’t know it and how should you? I never did a speech where I informed you about my boyfriend”. She chuckled. “You’re right” “So….it’s okay” I smiled. “Okay” she seemed reassured. “So….um, I’m very happy for you two. When will the baby arrive?” “Thanks….due date is in June” I told her. “Great. Although I won’t be here anymore I wish you all the best” she smiled. “Thank you Charlotte” I responded. But then there was something on my mind. “Um, Charlotte?” I said. She turned around. “Um, please don’t tell anyone, okay? Josh and I want to stay private and….please don’t tell any other fans of the band that he’s going to be a dad, okay?” “I won’t” she assured me and left.

I thought if my request was a little bit too much. But it was the truth: Josh and I wanted to stay private and even if he wasn’t someone who was being followed by paparazzi like Anthony, we still wanted to let it stay private. Only our friends and family should know. Of course I couldn’t hide my pregnancy from my co workers but I decided to tell them from the get go so they knew and could understand if I would stay home for one day if I wasn’t feeling well. The fact that they found out about Josh wasn’t what I wanted but when Josh was standing outside of the restaurant, I couldn’t deny it anymore. Kevin and Louisa didn’t really care about him because they didn’t know him but since Charlotte reacted this weird, I was a little bit afraid she could tell this secret to other friends or fans. But I trusted her that she didn’t. It was the only chance I had, right?

Christmas came early this year – of course it didn’t but this year it felt like it came very early. I was so busy in the past weeks so suddenly it was December 24 and Josh and I spent this day with my family. Just like the German tradition of “Heiligabend” on this day we visited my parents, made raclette and had a wonderful evening together with my parents, Marc, Maggie and their two kids. I imagined how it would be when Josh and I would celebrate our first Christmas together with our little baby next year. I bet it would be great.

On December 25 we visited his family and had a great day with delicious food at the Klinghoffer’s house in Pasadena, where Josh’s parents were living for the past two years now.

On boxing day we went to a Lakers game. It was still weird being at a crowded place for me. But since I was already getting used to it and stop being so careful – I mean I was just pregnant and not sick, so what should happen? –Josh was much more caring. Every few minutes he asked me if I wanted something to drink or eat or if I want to go outside for fresh air. Every time he was asking me these questions I was just smiling and thanked him but I wasn’t hungry, thirsty or needed fresh air. I was feeling good!

Josh and I spent the days between Christmas and New Years Eve at his home in El Sereno. Emma was home in Chino to celebrate Christmas with her family and old friends Josh told her about my pregnancy. We didn’t know when she would come back to LA again but Josh talked to her grandma and hoped she would finally back home when school would start again. Sometimes I was wondering if Josh should take care of her a little bit more. Maybe our long distance relationship also destroyed his relationship to Emma because he was in New York too often? I hope it didn’t. But truth was that Emma’s grandma was the one to take care of her now. Whatever, I tried not to think about it now.

So it was just the two of us. We spent the days with lying on the couch, bingewatching TV shows on Netflix and ordering some food in the evening. I always loved these days between Christmas and New Years Eve because they always felt like you don’t have to do anything.

But on December 30 we took a flight back to New York. Josh took me out on a New Years Dinner the next day and afterwards we went to the Brooklyn Bridge to watch the city at midnight. Although there were so many people and it was very crowded and cold, it felt like there were just him and me.

“This is the last New Years Eve we are spending on our own. Next year there will be a tiny human being with us” Josh whispered in my ear and when I was listening to his words I got goosebumps. “I love you” he said and kissed me. His hands touched my belly. There was already a small bun to see and it made him so happy to touch and stroke it. I could see in his face that he was the happiest person in the world right now. He was so looking forward in having this baby. I think I could really be sure that Josh would be a great father.

January

Two days later I was back in the office. Although everyone was still having some days off I wanted to use the first days of the year to make some preparations and organizations for the last weeks of my pregnancy when I wouldn’t be able to work in the office. Also I wanted to make sure that everything was going well after the birth when I would be on my maternity leave for a few weeks. I still didn’t know how long but I planned to stay away from work for six weeks. But I wanted to start working from home so maybe I would totally stay out of the business for three or four weeks. I didn’t know. I didn’t have any imagination how it would be to have a baby. Of course I finally felt the baby in my belly with every new day. But it still felt strange to be a mother soon.

February

Although neither Josh nor I was into Valentines Day he took me out for a date in Manhattan. It was such a beautiful evening. Since my doctor told me I shouldn’t fly in the next months because it would be too dangerous for the baby, I couldn’t visit Josh in LA. So he had to come to New York more often. And he did. He only had a short tour in April with Eric. But it was only in California, so it would took him two weeks I guess. I was okay with it. At the same time I was relieved that he wasn’t touring with the Peppers at the moment. What if the baby would be born when he was in the UK or Germany? “I don’t want to imagine how it would be if you would be touring the world right now while I’m pregnant as fuck here in New York” I told him while we were having dinner. “I already told you, we have a great timing” he chuckled. “Seriously….how did Chad’s wife do it? I mean, I’m almost going crazy when you’re not here for a week” I laughed. “Well, maybe they’re already used to the situation. I don’t know” Josh suggested.

I noticed in the past weeks that I needed Josh by my side. My belly increased more and more with every day and I finally felt 100% pregnant. The first months were a bit strange and of course I noticed that my body changed but I couldn’t see anything yet. But now, five months pregnant, it felt real.

And sometimes I needed Josh by my side. I didn’t want to be alone in my apartment or in his apartment here in New York. Especially because there were still these worries on my mind: What if something happens to the baby….?

Also, I already wanted to be a family, even if our child wasn’t born yet. I wanted to be live together with him. And Josh wanted the same. He stayed with me here in New York in the past two weeks and would stay here for the next three weeks. I was so pleased that he had the opportunity to do so. He could leave LA whenever he wanted.

“So look at us, we’re having a valentines dinner, you’re pregnant. Who would have guessed anything like that one year ago?” Josh grinned. “I don’t know…..I definitely didn’t think this way….” I said. “Neither do I” he let me know. “So, it’s strange how life can change so fast” “It is….I still can’t believe it” “Only four months left”

Back home Josh was still taking care of me. He made always sure that I was drinking enough and that I didn’t carry heavy things. We already talked about our living situation and he finally decided to move to New York in two months after the tour. I was so happy to finally made this decision. We would move into his apartment in Manhattan. Of course Manhattan was a very crowded place – maybe not the best place for a newborn child – but it was big enough for a family. I already talked to my landlord and would quit my apartment in summer. “Let me put some lotion on your belly” Josh said and already had the lotion in his hands. “It’s important to do it, you know” “Yes, I know Mister Overprotective!” I rolled my eyes and laughed. “Sometimes I have the feeling you’re the one who is pregnant and not me”. “Well, I would do that. It’s so magical. Pregnant women are the most beautiful human beings on earth” Josh told me with a smile on his face. “Oh really? I don’t feel that beautiful at the moment. Instead I feel like a big fat whale” I told him. “You shouldn’t!” he grinned and kissed me.

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didiletyouknooow · 6 years

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65. Never Is A Long Time

Hey,

Merry Christmas to all of you! One year (almost) over again. Time flies. I hope you all have a merry Christmas with your family and loved ones. Thank you for reading my crazy story for more than a year now. Thank you so much!!! I will try to post another new chapter in the following days - but definitely this year haha.

_______________________

April

I already felt a bit embarrassed about Eileen’s wonderful words. I think I blushed. But it was too sweet. She not only thanked her family and friends, she also thanked me for being there. I mean, most of the time of her PhD studies, I wasn’t there because we weren’t dating at all. But I was so grateful that she remembered the moment when I encouraged her to start doing her PhD.

“And I do believe in women. To all the young women out there, to all the PhD students out there, let me tell you something: you can do it, if you believe in yourself. When there is one thing I’ve learned during my PhD study – and of course I’ve learned a lot more than that – then it’s the fact that believing in yourself and your strength is the key to success. So, thank you Professor, thank you UCLA and thank you to my family and Josh.”

She said and I blushed again. I think my head almost looked like a tomato – but I didn’t care. I mean, this wasn’t about me, this was about Eileen. And I was so proud of her. She did it. She started her own path and she didn’t stop. She worked so hard for this graduation and now, five years later, she was holding this certification in her hands. I could see the happiness and pride in her eyes.

After the event we went back into the foyer where everyone was greeting families and friends and Eileen’s professor approached her again and thanked her for this powerful speech. He was proud, I was proud, we were all very proud of her.

“Wasn’t it too cheesy?” She asked me when we were laying in my bed. “No it wasn’t” I assured her. “It was just perfect. You did a very good speech there. I think I couldn’t do it. I wouldn’t have the guts to do it” “Of course you can!” she smiled at me and then kissed me goodnight. While Eileen fell asleep very quickly I was thinking about this night and all the other nights we shared together after this cold day in February. I was so thankful that we could figure it out – a third time! I was so happy that this woman was by my side again. I realized how bad I missed her when I saw her again back in the days in December. I still don’t know why I behaved like an idiot afterwards. Why I didn’t call her, didn’t text her. Why I left the New Years Eve Party and why I had a few drinks with this girl after my concert when Eileen left earlier. I was such an idiot, a coward, an asshole. The only person I wanted to see again was her. No other girl. None of all these girls I had. But I didn’t have the guts to tell her. The decision to text her one week later wasn’t easy. And it wasn’t my decision. Honestly, it was Eric Avery’s advice. He was still in New York and I met him one day after Eileen left my apartment. Eric and I had a very long walk and a very long talk – which continued in a bar at night. He told me about his marriage and about all these stupid decisions he did before realizing that his wife is the one. So he kind of opened my eyes. He told me to give it one last try. He told me to call Eileen one last time to ask her to meet me. But I was too afraid to call her because I was too afraid she wouldn’t pick the phone up. So I decided to text her. If she wouldn’t respond I could still think she didn’t read it. However. In the end she did read it and we met. The rest is history. The last two months after this cold night in February in New York were great. I stayed in the city for another week and we spent every day together. I picked her up from work and we had a walk through the park, had coffee, had dinner at a restaurant, went to the cinema or theater. We had so many dates. I think I never had so many dates in one week before. But then I had to leave the city to go back to LA. Of course it isn’t easy to have a long distance relationship but it can work out.

While Eileen can take the next flight to LA whenever she wants, I can be more spontaneous. Since Emma is now living with her grandma in their new home in the neighborhood, I can be more spontaneous than before. So I tried to fly back to New York City every two weeks. So we can mostly spend 4 or 5 days together in the city. It worked out. Now it is the first time that Eileen flew to LA because of her graduation. Of course she was also happy to see her family and friends again. We were very busy this weekend. When she arrived here Friday afternoon we drove to her parents house to greet them and have a short talk. Then we went back to my home. But the next morning we were invited to her brothers house for breakfast. So we did. Of course it was a great time but I wished I had more time with only her. Just the two of us. But we have a whole future in front of us so….we will have time for a date night Ig guess.

But to be honest, I’m a bit afraid what will happen if the Chilis will tour again. For now the tour is over. In June there is a short tour with the Dots through California. Eileen told me yesterday that she took some days off at work and will accompany me the whole tour. I’m excited. The Chilis will start touring again in fall. We will tour Latin America and Australia and that’s it. Then the tour for our new album will be over. And I couldn’t be happier. Maybe it sounds ridiculous but I’m too afraid to make a new record with the Chilis and to tour again because I’m afraid what will happen to Eileen and me when I will be on the road again. When she is still living in New York and I’m living in LA, how should we do this when I will be out of the country every few weeks?

But I tried not to think about it too much. I tried just to see the present. She’s here, with me. I couldn’t be happier.

June

“I can’t believe that the blog is so successful” I told Josh while he was driving. We were on the road to San Francisco where he would play the last of four gigs with Dot Hacker in California.

After concerts in Santa Maria, Fresno and San José they would finish their tour in San Francisco. We were on the road with a small bus and Josh’s car. While the others were driving in the bus Josh and I were obviously in his car. It felt like a little road trip. I loved spending so much time with him because we didn’t see each other very often in the past weeks. While I had to go to work in New York, Josh had to do rehearsals with his band before the tour. So it is the first time in a months that we see each other again.

“Did you ever think about doing money with your blog? I mean, starting it professionally?” he asked me. “Hm….we kind of make a short amount of money but…it’s not that we could do it for a living” “But what if you would do that? You would be more independent and we could see each other more often” he grinned at me. “Ah, I see your backing thoughts on this” I laughed. “Yes, of course it would be great to make money with the blog so I wouldn’t have to go to the office in New York but….it didn’t happen yet.” “Maybe in the future” he let me know.

After arriving in San Francisco we met with the others and had burgers in a diner. I liked the cool and chilling atmosphere between the band members. Jonathan was accompanied by his wife while the others were solo on this tour. I think Molly wouldn’t have time to accompany Eric on tour while they would need someone who would take care of their daughter. Or would she took her with them? Who knows….since I also knew that Clint was kind of happy to have some free time away from his baby, I was glad that Josh and I didn’t have a family yet.

While Josh and the others were preparing for their gig in the club I was walking through the streets and had some coffee in a nice café. I loved San Francisco – or San Fran how the cool kids call it. Seriously, this would be a city I could live in. It’s not that crowded as LA but it’s warmer and sunnier than in New York. Maybe, someday? Who knows? After living in Berlin and New York I was open to live in new and exciting cities. I could also imagine living in Chicago. I’ve only been there for a few days but I loved it there. Well, in the end we cannot look into the future to see where we’re going to live in five years. But I think Josh would never ever leave LA forever. Even New York is bothering him sometimes….although he loves the city. In the past months we mostly met in New York because Josh was so independent with his job so he could take any flight to the city to visit me. I only visited him one time in LA – on the weekend of my graduation. Of course I missed LA. It was my home. But I always missed it when I was living far away. But I knew that the world is exciting and I wanted to see some new places – so New York was quite cool.

Maybe Josh was right, being independent with a blog would be a great job but….well, it’s not that we’re SO famous. Of course Megan had a network and we have already a great amount of readers on our blog but that’s not all. We still have to work hard to prove ourselves.

Later that day I went to the club where the Dots would play their last concert of the short tour. It was already very crowded when I headed into the backstage.

“Hey, there you are. I already missed you. I thought you would be caught and put to Alcatraz” “Seriously?” I laughed at Josh. “No….sorry. I just loved the joke” “Funny guy….very funny guy” I said. “Hey, um would you mind playing Apt Mess tonight?” I asked him. Josh looked at me. “You know that I have a cold and I cannot sing these high notes on stage” “Oh well, you can definitely do that! I believe in you” I smiled at him. “Apt Mess” was my favorite Dot Hacker song, so I finally wanted to hear it live because I’ve never heard it live. “I can’t promise but I will definitely play a special song tonight” he let me know.

I was so excited when the band entered the stage. I was already having a beer together with Jonathan’s wife when the guys started playing. “I really hope they won’t play any sad song” she joked. “Well, I guess in a way, almost every song they have is sad” “Yes, just because your boyfriend is such a melancholic guy” she laughed.

Wow, it still sounded weird to hear Josh being called my boyfriend. Of course he was and of course I was very happy to be back together with him but….it still felt weird. I mean, we tried it before and we failed. Now we didn’t know if it will work out. We could only try. And we did great in the past four months. Maybe it was because I didn’t think of the future yet.

After the main set the others left the stage and only Josh came back and sat down at the piano. “So today I want to play a special song that we barely play live. It’s a song I wrote in a very sad and disillusioned time back in the days when a special woman left me. I needed time, I needed so much time….in the end I needed five years. Now she’s here and I want to dedicate this song to her”

Wow. I never heard Josh saying such personal things live on stage. He was more the introvert and shy guy who barely talked about his personal life so….I was surprised. And I didn’t know what song would follow until he started playing the first chords.

“Will someone love me Singularly Sing along with me Forget along with me Cassandra's warning If all I want is flattery No one to blame to but me If I let it defect me Who you doing all this for Ice skating on a frozen pond in March Where was the warning Why weren't you with me Remember how It was before me”

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In the end my tears were streaming down my face but I tried to hide it.

“Oh my gosh, Josh is such an emotional guy. I knew he would do it. I knew he would play this song tonight….oh my, I’m almost crying, how about you?” Jonathan’s wife looked at me. “Okay that’s an answer I guess” she chuckled while looking at the tears in my face. “Sorry” I said. “It’s just….it was very emotional. I didn’t know he wrote this song about….us” “Oh yes my dear, he did. Jonathan told me the whole story back in the day when they did the song…I was like ‘What a bitch! How can she leave him?’. But I can totally understand your situation” Okay, Jonathan’s wife was obliviously well-informed about Josh’s and my relationship. I just chuckled and then we applauded the band.

After the gig I went backstage to thank him for this special performance. But Josh just played it cool. “It was just….I wanted to play it, you know” “Of course he did….he was questioning it the whole day! I think he already questioned it before the tour” Jonathan let us know. “Well, I liked it” “Thank you” Josh said chuckling. When I hugged and kissed him his band mates were applauding. “Finally, even Klinghoffer has his happy end” Clint grinned. “What do you mean?” I asked him laughing. “Well, last year each of us had a personal happy end. Jonathan married, Molly and I are happy being parents and Clint became a father. So there was only Josh who had to get his personal happy end” Eric told us. “And now he did!” Clint laughed and clapped Josh’s shoulder. “Who wants beer?” Clint asked everyone and opened a few bottles.

It followed a drunken aftershow party and Josh and I fell into bed in the middle of the night. While I wanted to sleep without getting up early like the last days, Josh woke me up at 7am. “Hey, wanna do a road trip back home?” I was so asleep, I barely could answer but I must have agreed.

So Josh and I started a road trip back home to LA. Josh drove directly to the Yosemite National Park where we stopped and did a short hike. Although I was still very tired I loved the view and the nature around us. Josh knew that I loved National parks so it was the perfect decision to visit this park. I’ve never been here before!

We made a break and sat down at a bench in the middle of nowhere. It was so romantic, maybe a little bit too romantic. Maybe a little bit too cheesy. “I love you for showing me beautiful places like this” I told Josh and kissed him. “Well, you should thank the nature, not me. I mean, I only drove the car” “Jokester” I laughed. “You know what I mean” “Of course I do” he smiled at me and kissed me. “I guess you’re the only person who knows me that well” “Really?” “Yes” “Hm….okay”

For a while we just sat there and took a look at the nation around us. All the trees, the beautiful blue sky and the rocks. I loved it. I loved this park. “You know what I was thinking about the last days?” I asked Josh. “No?” “I was thinking about Lara….her wedding is in two months and we didn’t talk to each other since our fight last year” “Hm….maybe you should call her?” “But….I don’t know if she wants me to call her. I don’t even know if she wants me to talk to her ever again” “Don’t say that” Josh told me. “She’s your friend.” “I’m not sure anymore” “You two used to be best friends, you went through so much together….you lived together. She was there when you were heartbroken….when you were sick….when you were sad. Even though there was an ocean between you two, sometimes” “I know but….what if she doesn’t want to? Maybe she changed….” ”Eileen, stop being so negative. Lara was your best friend. She still is. And I think you should call her. It’s not a good idea to separate after a fight” “Hm….” I was too scared to ask him this question so I just looked at him. “What’s wrong?” Josh asked me. “Are you talking of Helen?” “Hm….maybe….but we don’t have to talk about it” “Of course we can talk about it. I’m not only your girlfriend, I’m also your friend, right?” “Right” he agreed. “So tell me, are you still mad at her for leaving?” “In a way….” He said. “I mean, she left her child. I still wonder why she did that. And why she left me behind with Emma. I’m not even her father” “Because she trusted you?” “Maybe….but….it changed my life, you know. I don’t want to miss Emma in my life but….I still don’t know what Helen was up to…but before she left we had a fight. It was just a stupid discussion but….we could never figure it our because she decided to leave. And I still wonder why” “Josh, it’s not your fault. If that’s what you wanted to say….it is not” “I know….it is not” “But?” “But sometimes I wonder if she would have left if we wouldn’t have had this fight” “Do you think you two would have had a second chance?” He looked at me, surprised by my question. “No I don’t think so” “But what if she wouldn’t have left. She would always be there….maybe you two would have tried it a second time….” “Maybe….I don’t know. But I guess I wouldn’t have done this after I met you in December” “What if not? What if we wouldn’t have met again after our break up five years ago?” Now Josh seemed surprised again. “I….I don’t know” “I can imagine we both would have ended up with people we wouldn’t truly love. Maybe you would have married Helen and I would still be with Sebastian. Who knows….” ”Why do you think I would have married her?” “Because…..I don’t know….maybe not” “Did you ever think about marrying?” “Of course I did” “Marrying whom?” “Um, well…..” of course I thought about it in the past months. But it wasn’t something I wanted to do in the next year. “Sorry….I didn’t want to bother you” Josh apologized. “No its okay. You’re my boyfriend, your not bothering me at all” I laughed. “Not?” “No….never” I said and kissed him.

July

Josh was right. I should call Lara. I mean, we were friends, right? So I did. I called her on a Friday evening, German time. She picked it up. Of course she was overwhelmed and didn’t expect me to call her. But she was also grateful that I did it. We had a three hour talk and clarified our struggles from the past. In the end it was just a stupid discussion that led into a fight and into not talking to each other for half a year.

I was glad that my best friend was back in my life. Of course she asked me what was going on in my life and I think she wasn’t that surprised that Josh and I were back together. “In the end I knew it all the time that you and Josh belong to each other and…..although I liked you and Sebastian….I knew that it wouldn’t work out forever. But I know Josh and I know you and despite all my worries and my opinion about his past I have to say that….I want you to be happy and if he is the one that makes you happy then I will accept it”

Finally we arranged a meeting real soon. Lara came to visit me in New York only three weeks after my call. Because I couldn’t be at her bachelorette party she decided to make a short trip to the big apple! So after showing her the city, having the best burger in New York, visiting the Rockefeller Center and the Statue of Liberty, we finally went partying in a club. I felt like being 26 again, when I first moved to Berlin into Lara’s apartment. The whole trip was like a flashback into our twenties where we went out partying and dancing every weekend. I loved the clubs in Berlin, but clubs in New York were crazier. So we had a few great nights in the city that never sleeps and finally took a flight to LA where Josh picked us up from the airport and Lara and I did some typical touristic tours in LA. Sometimes I loved being a tourist in my own city.

While Josh was busy making music with some friends Lara and I spent every day together, no matter if at the beach or in the Hollywood Hills. She even met Emma before having dinner together in Josh’s house. After the dinner when Emma was already in bed and Josh was watching some baseball Lara and I enjoyed a glass of wine on Josh’s balcony.

“This house is so beautiful. It’s not that big but it’s big enough for three people” she said. “It is….I really like it. And it’s so sad that I can’t be here all the time. I miss it” “Do you have any plans for moving back to LA soon or will Josh move to New York?” “I don’t know….Josh’s place is here in LA….I’m living and working in New York right now. That’s it. We can’t change it, I guess. At least not in the next year” “But Josh flies to New York whenever he has time?” “Yes, he does. Especially now that he has still time doing it. We see each other almost every two weeks for five days. It’s not that much, but it’s okay. I realized that even if you don’t want to have a long distance relationship….if it’s the right person, then you can do it. Maybe not forever. But you can do it for a certain period of time” “I admire that you don’t look into the past….all these things that happened between you two. I mean, Josh wasn’t the best gentleman all the time” “He wasn’t but….he changed. I changed. We all changed. I mean, we’re older now. It’s already eight years ago that I met Josh for the first time. Although we didn’t see each other for almost five years, I still know him. We were so close and now we’re back together. I think we just continued being a couple at the point where we ended it five years ago” “Wow….I couldn’t do it. Ex is ex…..at least I wouldn’t try another serious relationship” “Not everyone can do this….I didn’t know that I can….but as you see…I can” I chuckled. “Do you have plans for the future?” “Hm….I don’t know. We just want to enjoy the moment. Right now. I don’t care about the future. I don’t care about next year or what will be in five years. I learned that I can’t plan my future….it just happens….” ”….while you’re busy making other plans. Yeah, I know” Lara laughed. “What about you and Felix? You’re getting married in a month! Do you want to move into a bigger apartment? Do you think of….kids?” “Well” Lara chuckled. “We did talk about moving out of my apartment and I think we will look for a new apartment after our wedding. But kids….I don’t know. I think I don’t want to have kids right now…” “It’s okay….you don’t have to have kids just because you’re married” “I know but….many people already asked me if we’re ‘planning’ and ‘trying’ it. Well, no. We don’t do it. We don’t want it” “Me too….Josh and I didn’t talk about this topic yet. But I don’t think he wants to have kids very soon….I mean, we’re only dating again for six months, so….maybe a little bit too early” “And he already has to take care of Emma” Lara said. “He has” “How does it feel? I mean….he’s a dad now. Although she’s not his daughter. It’s so weird. How is it for you as his girlfriend that he has a twelve year old stepdaughter?” “Well….sometimes it’s not easy. I mean, I barely see Emma. Most of the time Josh and I are in New York so I just saw her back in April and for a few hours before we left for the Dot Hacker tour and of course yesterday and today….but….well, we don’t have any relationship yet I guess. Maybe it needs time” “Do you think she will get angry if she realizes that Josh is very serious with you and you will stay together and maybe someday move in together? Maybe she doesn’t accept you because you’re not her mother” “But Josh isn’t her father as well” “I know but….he’s now the person who is in charge. He takes care of her. He is like the dad she never had, right?” “I guess so” “And maybe she can’t take it if he starts a serious relationship with someone new who isn’t her mother” “But her mother left her and Josh….plus, they were already parted when her mother left.” “I know but….she’s a teenage girl now. I can imagine that it won’t be easy with her in the next years” “Maybe you’re right….” “And if you – maybe – will get pregnant some day, maybe she doesn’t accept it. Maybe she causes trouble at home because she doesn’t want Josh to start his own family.” “But why should she think so?” “Teenage girls” Lara told me. “I never really accepted it when my father started a new family with a younger woman. My two half brothers are very cute and I love them and finally I’ve accepted it that my father wanted to start all over again. But it wasn’t easy.” “I know….I can imagine that it isn’t easy.” “And Emma’s mother left. Maybe she has the feeling that Josh will leave her too when he’s starting his own family with you” “Well….whatever. We never talked about it and I don’t think that it will happen very soon” I assured her. “Maybe Emma will be old enough when it happens” Lara grinned.

That night I couldn’t sleep. I thought about Lara’s words. Maybe she was right. Emma and I didn’t really have a relationship, I didn’t see her enough for saying that she was part of the family for me. I never really thought about the fact that she doesn’t like me or could hate me for being with Josh. I really hope that Lara wasn’t right and Emma would accept me.

August

“Why are so bad in tying your own tie. I can’t believe it” I laughed when Josh was looking at me confused, the tie in his hands. I helped him. “We have to hurry up. The cab is coming soon” I told him. It was Lara’s and Felix’ wedding day. I was so nervous and excited. Finally, my best friend would get married! Josh and I took a flight to Berlin two days ago. We hoped to fight against the jet lag so we wouldn’t be so tired at the wedding – at least I was hoping I could do it in two days but I was so wrong. While Josh didn’t care about the jet lag because he was used to it, I was still struggling. So I was very tired when we arrived at the wedding. The wedding took place in a wonderful park in Berlin. They didn’t want to get married in a church so they decided to do it in a park a little bit outside of Berlin. So many friends and family members were invited. Of course I was Lara’s maid of honor. I was so excited because I had to do a speech later at the dinner table. But first there was this special moment when the groom went to the altar to meet his bride. Lara looked so gorgeous in her beige dress. She was like a princess. Felix seemed nervous as well but as always he tried to hide it while telling jokes. Finally they were both being asked THE question – and they both said “yes”. Kiss.

My speech started a little bit nervous and I noticed that I blushed all over my face and in my decollete but I didn’t care. “Lara and I went through a lot and if you ask me, I NEVER thought that this girl who liked to party so much and who met a lot of guys during her twenties….I never thought that she would find the right guy. But she did. I knew they would be happy when I saw them together for the first time. It was love….yes it sounds so cliché and cheesy, but it’s the truth! Lara and Felix are the best example for love between two completely different people. While Lara is into drawing and designing, Felix is into music and likes to do sports – which Lara hates!” Laughter. “But in the end it doesn’t matter how many interests you share with your partner….it does matter how happy this person makes you. No matter how much time you need until you realize that this person is the right one – it is worth it. Lara did meet many frogs before she met Felix” laughter. “So cling your glasses to the bride and groom! Live forever!” Applause.

I chose this quote from Oasis because that’s on of the few things they both love – Oasis.

The party was great. We danced, laughed, had great conversations and in the end I was crying because my best friend got married. She looked so beautiful in her dress and the way she and Felix acted together as a newlyweds was so cute. I caught myself in a moment when I was thinking about my own marriage. I wondered if it would happen and when it would happen. Of course it would be too soon now because Josh and I were only dating for seven months but….well, we’re old enough now, right?

Later that night in our hotel room Josh and I were talking about the wedding. “They are so perfect for each other” I said a bit lost in thoughts. “They are! And I think they will be happy for the rest of their lives….” “Do you really believe in a love that lasts forever?” I asked him. Josh looked a bit shocked. “Well…..Don’t you believe in it?” “Um, well…..I think we can’t look into the future and I learned a lot about love in the past years….but I don’t know if love will last forever” “What? Eileen….seriously” Josh was laughing. “So you think we won’t be together forever because it can go wrong?” “It can….we have to face the truth. It did….we broke up twice. So….we can’t be 100 percent sure that it will last. So I think I changed my opinion about love and I’m a little bit more realistic now than I was five years ago” “But….I love you. I don’t want our love to break again” “Neither do I want that” I told him and laid my head on his shoulder. “But, you know….sometimes life is happening and you can’t change it” “Maybe we should move in together” Josh suddenly said. “Are you serious?” I asked him and looked him into the eyes. “Yes, I am….I mean, I’m 42 in two months and I would like to live together with my perfect girlfriend” “I’m not perfect” I let him know. “To me you’re perfect” he grinned and kissed me. “Hm….but how should we do this?” I asked him. “I mean, I’m still living in New York and I can’t leave my job.” “You could look for a job in LA. Or you can only concentrate on your blog and quit your job” “So you want me to move to LA?” “Hm….would be great” he smiled at me. But I was confused. Did he really wanted me to quit my job just to move to LA?

“But what if I want to stay in New York? I love my job. I’m well paid and I love this work” “I know….but….did you ever think of coming back to LA?” “I’m coming back next week.” “I mean, for a longer time. Not only for one week” Josh rolled his eyes. “No….actually I didn’t think about that”

I guess I shocked Josh with my answer.

“Well….but I did.” “So you thought about me moving back to LA?” “I think about that a lot” he let me know. His voice was serious. “Oh good to know….” I said a bit pissed off. “Why don’t you think about moving to New York?” “Because….I’m living LA. My life is taking place in LA” “Yeah I know but….I’m the one with a 9 to 5 job, right? You’re just a musician who can work wherever he is in the world. Of course you have to record new songs and produce an album and jam and rehearse but….Chad is living in New York as well. It would be so much easier if you would move to New York. I mean, you already bought an apartment there” “I did. But I never thought about moving to the city forever” “It doesn’t have to be forever. Just for a few years” “But Eileen, my main job is in LA. All my friends and my band are living there. I can’t leave this city” “Yes you can. You could, if you would. But you don’t want to, am I right?” “Why do we have this discussion?” “Because YOU started it” I raised my voice. “You told me to move to LA” “I never told you to do that! I just said that it would be great because we would see each other more often. Like a real couple” “Oh, so we aren’t a real couple yet?” “I never said that” “You said it just a few seconds ago! ‘We would see each other more often. Like a real couple’. So I assume we aren’t a real couple. Then, what are we? Friends with benefits?” “Eileen, stop making stupid jokes about it” “No, seriously Josh. What are we if we aren’t a real couple, hm?” “We are a couple. We are in love. We are having a relationship. But we don’t see each other very often and that sucks” “I know that it sucks but we can’t change it. At least I can’t change it. Not in the next year. So maybe we should have a talk about it in one year” “I just thought that you could quit your job and focus on your blog so you can work from every city in the world. No matter where you are, you can always work for your blog. So you could move back to LA” “But you’re missing a point here. You never asked me if I really want to do that.” “You don’t want to come back to LA some day?” he looked at me shocked. “No….you never asked me if I want to quit my job just to focus in my blog so we could have more time for each other. I mean, it makes sense. But I don’t want to quit my job. I want to be independent.” “Eileen, you are independent” “No. If I would quit my job I wouldn’t be independent anymore. Not if my blog will be that successful so I could make money with it. But it didn’t happen yet. Sometimes we have some cooperations but we don’t make much money with it. So I would be dependent on you and I don’t want that” “But I have enough money for both of our lives….” “WOW…..wow…..Josh, seriously? You never said something like that. You always supported my independence and now you’re telling me to quit my job, move back to LA because you have so much money that I don’t have to go to work anymore? What is wrong with you?” I couldn’t believe what he just said. He never was like that. “Eileen….I just….well, it was just a suggestion. If you don’t want to do it, then fine. But I would love to see you more often. I miss you so much and….I just wish I could spend more time with my girlfriend”.

Before Josh couldn’t say another word I put my arms around his neck and started kissing him. It made me so horny…..he was so cute when he was angry. “Wow….what’s wrong now?” he asked me and chuckled. “Just stop talking…..we’ll find a solution where we could live together in the future. But right now….just stop talking and kiss me” I told him.

Two days later we landed in LAX.

“I can’t believe that my phone died” I said angry. Yesterday when Josh and I had our last dinner together in Berlin my phone just went off. “I’ll buy you a new one” Josh told me. “No….I will do that!” I let him know smiling. “Well, it was just a nice gesture, I guess” he shrugged. “Thank you but….I’m independent, you know” “Yes I know….you told me the other day” Josh rolled his eyes but then started laughing. He took my suitcase and we went to the exit to take a cab back home. Back home I checked my e-mails and suddenly there was a message by Megan.

“EILEEN PLEASE CALL ME IT IS VERY IMPORTANT!!!!!”

I wasn’t only shocked by her mail – she never wrote a mail like that – but I was also worried. Did something happen? So I took Josh’s phone and called Megan. “What’s wrong?” I asked her with a worried voice. “Eileen, where are you? I try to call you since yesterday but you never picked up the phone. What’s wrong?” “Um, my phone died yesterday” “Oh. Wow” “But what did happen? Why did you call me?” “Well….sit down please.” She said. “Are you sitting down?” “I am….but why? What do you want to tell me?” “Well....two days ago a business company wrote me an e-mail. They also called me because…..they have an offer for us” “What do you mean? For us?” “For our blog. They want to invest in our blog. They like our idea and they want to make it big” “No way…..what????” I thought she was kidding. “I’m not kidding” Megan could obviously read my mind. “But….what did they say?” “They told me they want to invest in us, make the blog more public and known all over the States. They want to pay us so we can make better advertisement for our blog and we could hire two co workers. A professional graphic designer and a writer” “But….we’re doing it together. I mean, just the two of us. That’s how everything started” I told her. “Yeah, I know…but they have this idea and they want to meet us. And I agreed” “When?” “On Thursday morning” “What the fuck….Megan, you know that I wanted to stay in LA for the rest of the week” “Yeah I know and I’m so sorry. I wanted to talk to you before agreeing but I couldn’t reach you…..so I agreed with them. Please Eileen, you HAVE to come back to New York as soon as possible. We have to prepare the meeting and talk about the idea before talking to the company” “Hm….well, saying I’m surprised would be an understatement” I let her know. “I know you had these plans and wanted to spend the rest of the week with Josh, but….Eileen, this is important for us, you know” “I know….” “So….do you come back to New York?” “I’ll take the next flight tomorrow” I let her know.

“So….you’re going back to New York?” Josh asked me. He obviously heard my call with Megan. “Yes, I have to….” I sighed. “Great” Josh said with a sarcastic voice. “I’m sorry but….there is a business meeting. A company wants to invest in our blog and they want to support us….so Megan arranged a meeting on Thursday” “Wait….didn’t you tell me the other day you don’t want to quit your job just to focus on your blog?” Josh was confused. “I’m not quitting my job. We’re just having a meeting with the company and then we’ll see how our blog can be increased” “Eileen….this is ridiculous” “Why is it ridiculous?” “When a company invests in your blog you HAVE to focus only on your blog. You won’t have time for another job” Josh noted. “Well, we haven’t agreed yet, okay? I just want to know what they want to offer us” “Oh I guess they offer a lot of money and you two will be overwhelmed by this offer and agree….and that’s good. I support this idea. But then you can REALLY quit your job. That’s a fact” “Why are we discussing this topic again? I don’t want to do that right now. I’m tired. I’m jet lagged. All I want to do is sleeping” “Well….you started this topic” Josh said. “No….you started being mad again. And I don’t get it” “Because I was looking forward in spending my week with you here in LA. Now that you’re flying back to New York, I really wonder when we will see each other again.” “I thought you’re coming to New York in two weeks?” “Yes….but then? I’m touring in September until the middle of October….then I’ll be home for one week. Only one fucking week. Then we’ll be touring again until November” “I know and I’m so sorry but….I can’t cancel this meeting” “Probably not….” He said sulky. “Josh, please. I’m sorry, okay? We’ll find the time. Let’s take a week off in November and go on vacation” “I guess I’ll be sick of travelling but….well okay, let’s do this” “Great….” I said. “But it won’t change the whole situation. We don’t see each other often enough.”

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didiletyouknooow · 6 years

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64. Love Of Your Life

Hey,

so FINALLY I had time for finishing the next chapter. I’m so sorry that I let you wait for so long but these past weeks were so busy for me. I had a lot to do for university and I wasn’t in the mood for writing. But this weekend I had some days off and had time to write.

It may sound a bit like a finale chapter - especially the end of this chapter - but it is not. There are still a few chapters planned. I have some ideas left that I want to write down.

And guess what? #JoshEileen has now turned one! Originally it already happend back in November and I have forgotten to mention it. But yes, it’s one year ago that I had the idea of writing this story and created the first scenes in my mind. Thank you to @bemygetawayjz for inspiring me to write this story! I love #JoshZara so much!

And thank you to everyone who reads this story! It means a lot to me! Thank you so much and now have fun reading the next chapter!!!!

____________________

February

I was a little bit too late when I attended the club where Josh was about to play tonight. When I entered it they’ve already started. I got me a drink and stayed at the bar from where I watched the concert. It was a great atmosphere. A very small club, it was very hot inside and the people were enjoying the music Josh was playing with Eric Avery. They two were friends for years and I knew that he wanted to collaborate with him more often. Now they did. After the gig I stayed at the bar and watched the people. It didn’t take long until Josh spotted and approached me. “Hey I’m glad you came” he smiled at me and we hugged again. Well, that still felt weird. “Sure!” I smiled back. “It was a great concert. You and Eric have such chemistry on stage” I told him. “Really? Thanks!” Josh grinned. “Do you want another drink?” he asked me. I nodded and Josh ordered two more drinks for us. Of course he didn’t have to pay them because the bartender knew him. We talked for a while until his mate Eric joined us. He was such a nice guy. To be honest, I never really listened to Jane’s Addiction but I truly liked him. I knew that Josh and he were very close in the last years. “So do you help me to put our stuff into the trunk?” Eric suddenly asked. Josh nodded. “I’ll be back in a few minutes” Josh let me know and left to put his stuff away from the stage. I was watching him the whole time and suddenly he looked at me and we both started laughing. It felt so strange because I never had the opportunity to do that when we were dating because most of the time there were people who did it for him when he was playing with the Chili Peppers. I only remember doing it when Sebastian was playing a gig in a small club and I was watching him while he was putting his stuff away. We both laughed the whole time, every time. Just like Josh and I did now.

A few minutes later he came back to me.

“Sorry that I let you alone” “It’s totally okay” I said. “I’m a big girl. I can entertain myself” “Oh really?” he raised an eyebrow. “Oh yes I can” I laughed. We both laughed. “So….this interview” I started saying. “I’m so sorry that I didn’t let you know. I couldn’t. It felt so weird. I mean….it’s not like we’re total strangers, you know and….” ”It’s okay” he grinned. “I already told you that it was totally okay for me. I liked the interview. I think you did a great job. It didn’t really feel like an interview at all….” ”Thanks” I said a bit shy. Suddenly a woman came towards us. She had brunette hair and if I wouldn’t have known it any better I would have said that it was Megan Fox. “Josh” the lady said his name. He turned around. “Oh um, hey” I think he couldn’t remember her name. “How are you? It’s so nice to see you again. We didn’t see each other in a long time” the lady said and only looked at him. She didn’t deign to look at me at all. “Well, I’m fine” Josh said. And that’s all. He didn’t say anything else, he didn’t even ask her how she was doing. “Great” she smiled. “Your concert was great! I love your music!” “Well, it wasn’t actually my own music. We mostly played covers and we played songs Eric wrote” “Whatever” she giggled. “So um….what do you think?” she started her question and looked at him teasingly. “Should we repeat what we had last summer?” She asked him. “Um” Josh’s reaction was quite confused. “I don’t know….I….I don’t think that” he stuttered but she interrupted him. “You can call me anytime. I will do anything you want” she was whispering in his ear. But she didn’t take good pains to talk silent. I could hear everything she was whispering and I think she wanted me to hear it. She even looked at me before she left. “Well Maya” Josh answered. Wow, he obviously remembered her name. “I think I” Josh tried to explain. He seemed very embarrassed. “Just call me” she said, turned around and left. But not without looking back at him for the last time, giggling. Josh seemed confused. I was confused, too. But not because of this girl who just approached him and asked him for a booty call. I was confused because of his weird reaction. He didn’t even tell her that he doesn’t want it. Maybe because it wasn’t the truth? Maybe because he wanted her but didn’t want to speak it out in front of me? Anyway. When Josh didn’t say a word in the next few minutes and we both just stood there, drinking our beer, I decided to leave. He obviously didn’t want to talk to me. So why should I stay? “Um, I think I have to go now. I’m very tired and….well, you know it was a tough week” I let him know. “Thanks for the beer” I said and left. It lasted a few more seconds until Josh called my name. “Eileen, please stay” I turned around and stayed calm. “Josh, if you want to have fun with girls, it’s okay. I don’t want to be in your way. You can do whatever you want. You don’t have to apologize. We’re not dating” I laughed and then left.

I don’t know if he kept looking at me or not. And I didn’t want to know.

When I came home I brushed my teeth, showered and fell in my bed. At least Vilma was by my side. Hello single life, hello Netflix-binge-watching-weekend. But when I woke up the next morning I saw a text message on my phone. It was from Josh.

“Hey Eileen,

Sorry for this weird behaviour yesterday. I don’t want to meet this girl again. I want to meet you again. What about dinner tonight? I pick you up at 7pm.

Love, Josh”

Okay. Well. That was a very overwhelming message for a Saturday morning! Before answering him I did a walk with Vilma to get a free mind.

But I had to face it: It was cute. Although I was a bit pissed at him for behaving weird yesterday. Maybe this woman surprised him as well and he didn’t invite her. So I texted him back.

“Hey Josh,

sounds great. I will come downstairs at 7pm ;)”

I didn’t want him to come upstairs to see my messy apartment. Because I had to do some grocery shopping and prepare myself for the date I didn’t have much time for tidying up my room.

Well….stop….was it even a date? Maybe it was only a “Okay-I-should-tell-her-that-I’m-sorry-for-my-weird-behavior-and-ask-her-for-a-mandatory-dinner-night”. Whatever.

I showered again, put some make-up on, changed my outfit three times in a row and drank a glass of wine to calm myself down until it was 7pm and I went downstairs. Of course Josh was already there. “I just wanted to knock” he grinned when he saw me. “Well, I’m German. I’m always on time” I said and we hugged. Did I already tell you that it was still weird to just hug him? “Where do we go now?” I wanted to know. “We’re having dinner in Manhattan” Josh told me. “Oh really? I have to leave Brooklyn?” “Sorry girl but….you won’t get the perfect steak if you’re not going to Manhattan” he joked. “What? I bet there are a few good restaurants in Brooklyn where you can get a perfect steak too!” “Hm….maybe but not the best!” he grinned. “And how do we get to Manhattan?” I wondered. I didn’t want to take the subway but I guess there wasn’t any other way, right? “I called a driver” Josh smiled and pointed at a black car. Wow. He even called a black cab and not a yellow cab. “You treat yourself very well” I grinned when we got into the car. “Not only me!” he chuckled.

Josh took me out to a very fancy restaurant in Manhattan. It was very expensive and I felt so bad when ordering my favorite kind of steak there. But Josh gave me the feeling that it was totally okay. I mean, I would have paid for it but….well, you know….he didn’t want me to do it.

We had a great night at the restaurant. We talked about the last months, about Christmas, about the concerts, about the weird interview situation, about music and about everything else we couldn’t talk about in the last months since our encounter in December. But the only thing we didn’t talk about was New Years Eve. I didn’t have the guts to ask him why he behaved like that. I didn’t want to ask him why he left so early and I think he didn’t want to ask me why I had a very good talk with Molly’s brother. To be honest….it wasn’t a good talk. I only tried to make Josh jealous. Well, I think I succeeded but he left. Not a very good plan to repeat.

It was almost midnight when we left the restaurant. Josh wanted to do a little walk through the Central Park so we did. It was very romantic. Somehow he put his arm around me and stopped. Then he looked at me and we kissed. Wow. That happened very quickly. I think we didn’t need more words to have such a stupid small talk whose only reason was to lead into kissing again. So we just stayed there, kissing, in the Central Park in the middle of the night. I think it couldn’t be more romantic.

After a while of kissing and cuddling Josh looked at me.

“Um, I know it sounds very stupid and lame but….should we go to my apartment?” I could see a bit of fear in his eyes. What if she says “no”? But I said yes. “You know, it’s just that….it’s so cold outside and…:” ”I know, I get it” I laughed. So we walked to his apartment which was within a walking distance of the Central Park. I didn’t even ask why he asked me and he didn’t said anything more until we arrived at his apartment.

I was very excited because I’ve never been to his apartment before. How would it look like? Would it be this luxury modern loft apartment I’ve seen in so many series about New York Upper East Siders? The building looked like it. A porter greeted us at the entrance. It felt like being in a hotel but it wasn’t.

“How much did you pay for such a fancy location in the middle of Manhattan?” I asked Josh when we went into the elevator. “Well, I bet you don’t want to know it” he grinned. “Why did you buy something like that? I mean….you’re not like any other Hollywood celebrity who buys such an expensive apartment?” I was wondering. “Just wait until you’re in it, okay?” he looked at me. I nodded. We were still in the elevator and I could feel the tension between us. It was quite hot. I think we both knew what would happen next.

We arrived upstairs in the 7th floor and Josh opened the door to his apartment. “Okay I take everything back I already said” I let him know. “See” he grinned. It was SO beautiful! It didn’t look like any of these luxury apartments. Instead it was very cozy with many vintage furnishes and a very small but beautiful kitchen. I wondered how often he has cooked here. But before I could think about it much longer Josh took my hand, turned me around and kissed me again. He pulled me closer and we went to his bedroom. As we got there our kisses got more passionate and quite sexy. “I’m so sorry for all these stupid things I’ve done in the past” he whispered in my ear whilst opening my blouse. “I was such a stupid coward. I needed some time to realise that the only woman I want is you” Okay. While he was saying all these nice and sweet things into my ear I forgot about everything for a second. I just remembered the night we had in December and let it happen.

It was sensitive, emotional, passionate and romantic. I could really enjoy this night and I surprised myself for being so open. It was like he made me much more confident that I was before. It felt good.

We fell asleep sometime in the morning. I don’t know why but somehow I dreamed about meeting my ex Sebastian again. Well, that was a weird dream. Especially when you’re waking up to another guy. But Josh wasn’t only “another guy”. He was this special guy. The guy who was on my mind for years now. I had this Yeah Yeah Yeahs song in mind where they sing “They don’t love you like I love you” and I guess that’s exactly what I was feeling when I woke up in the morning. Josh was still asleep and I watched him sleeping. It felt so good. I felt so good. Everything about this night felt so good. How could it even be possible to have such a great night? I didn’t know.

When Josh woke up I was already awake for two hours but I pretended to sleep. “Hey Eileen” he whispered in my ear and kissed my cheek. “Are you awake?” I murmured and lolled and then looked into his eyes and started giggling. “What?” he asked me laughing. “You were already awake, weren’t you?” “Um….no” “Whatever” Josh laughed and kissed me again. “I’m getting up to have a shower. Do you want to have some breakfast? I know this great café in my neighbourhood where they have the best bagels in the world!” he told me and got up from the bed. I watched him walking to the bathroom naked. What a great view it was! “I like your bootylicious but” I laughed. “What?” Josh came back from the bathroom, still naked. “Okay I also like this view” He rolled his eyes and went back into the bathroom to shower.

While Josh was busy showering I took my phone and texted Megan. She HAD to know what happened last night. I already brought Vilma to her apartment before the date because I had this vision that I wouldn’t come back home that night. And I was right. So while I was typing on my phone I heard a phone ringing. It was Josh’s phone. I let it ring and didn’t pay much attention. But when it rang for the second time within a few minutes I wondered who it was. I looked at the screen but there wasn’t a name or a number. “Josh?” I screamed. Nothing happened. I went to the bathroom door and told him that his phone was ringing. “Oh please, can you take the call? I bet it’s Eric. He wanted to send me some demos” “But it’s an unknown number?” ”Yes, I know….sometimes he calls with an unknown number” Okay. So I did and took the call.

“Hello?” First there was nothing but then a female voice started talking. “Josh? Are you there? It’s me Maya. I just wanted to ask you if we can continue what we started last night in the bar? I mean….I have the day and the night off and you told me you’re still in New York, soo….what about now?”

I couldn’t believe what I just heard. Was she serious? Did she just booty called him? And what the hell was she talking about? Last night? So it was….yesterday? Did he hook up with her right after I left the bar?

Just at that time Josh left the bathroom.

“Who was it?” he asked me. He only wore boxers and a shirt. “Um, it was the lady from last night and she asks you if you want to continue what you two obviously started yesterday at the bar. Which means that it was obviously right after I left the bar” I told him with a totally calm voice. On the outside I might have been calm but on the inside I was freaking out. Josh looked at me. His jaw dropped. “Josh….I know it’s none of my business but don’t you think that it is a little bit strange that the lady who approached you last night while I was still standing next to you just booty called you to ask you if you want to continue your “thing” you started last night? I mean….what the hell?” Now I raised my voice. Josh was just looking at me. Still shocked. “I don’t know what you did with her and to be honest, I don’t want to know” I said while picking up my clothes from the floor. “But I really thought you have changed. I heard so many stories about you and the girls you hooked up with but then we spent this night together in December and I totally thought you changed. But I was wrong. You’re still this typical rockstar cliché you became after we broke up” “Eileen, please let me explain….” he now spoke to me. “No Josh….you don’t have to explain anything to me. You’re not my boyfriend. We’re not even dating. Last night was just a date and it was nice and I thank you for the dinner we had but….that’s it. The sex was great but when I think about the fact that you probably slept with this girl not even 24 hours earlier, I want to puke. Seriously. This is disgusting. Maybe I’m too old for this shit but….hell no!”

I told him and went to the door. On my way there he took my arm and stopped me. “Eileen, please, let me explain that. I didn’t take her home, I just had some drinks and….” ”I don’t really care anymore Josh. You’re single. It’s okay. But I don’t want to be one of all these girls you’re sleeping with. I thought that Helen made you change your behavior and attitude but I guess I was wrong. You can sleep with as many girls as you want but….please, don’t make me be one of them” I told him and then left.

Down at the streets I started crying. It was like just now all the emotions I was feeling were coming back. I really enjoyed our night. It was wonderful. But it ended like a big shock. I didn’t want to react jealous in any way because I didn’t have a right to be jealous. It was just a date, just a night. We just had sex. That’s it. While it was something he obviously does very often, it was something special for me. The porter asked me if everything was okay when I passed him. I just nodded and tried to smile at him. At least one of the guys in New York cared about how I was feeling.

“I can’t believe he’s such an asshole” Megan was complaining about Dereck. She had a big fight with him over the weekend so now we were sitting at our lunch break, discussion their problems. But to be honest, my mind was totally absent. I really concentrated on her story but there were always times when I drifted off and started thinking about Josh and his stupid behaviour. Megan knew about the night I spent with Josh and she couldn’t understand it either but her problem with Dereck was much more trouble. “Maybe he’s not ready for a relationship” I suggested. “He’s 39!” “Yes, guess what, I even know guys who are 41 and aren’t ready. Men have time, they don’t have to settle down at a certain age” “Wow, just because they can reproduce themselves their whole life it doesn’t mean they have the right to act like a stupid boy” she complained. “But they think they have the right to act like a stupid little brat” I told her. “Hm….maybe you were right….maybe Dereck is just a poser, just a business man who wants to have some fun while he’s in New York” “Well….I wish I would have been wrong but….maybe he’s like that” I looked at Megan. She looked sad but also very angry. I wouldn’t want to mess with her, seriously! “I will definitely not call him….he should call me. If he doesn’t do it, I will still be mad” “Good decision” I supported her. “So….let’s talk about Josh and his stupid behaviour. Who the fuck does he think he is that he hooks up with a girl the same night he invited you to his gig. Just because you didn’t want to go further? ‘Oh there is another girl, let’s see if I can nail her’. How childish is that?” “Well, who says that I didn’t want to go further? I just wanted to talk to him, spend a little more time with him….I mean, we did go further one day later” “But how disgusting is it to have sex with your ex in the same bed you had sex with another person one night before?” “He told me they didn’t have sex but….I don’t know” I sighed. “I don’t know if I can believe him, if I can trust him. I mean, it is stupid to think about it so much and to wonder why he behaves like that. Maybe I should face the truth: he is like that. Whatever happened to him over the last years on tour - he’s like that. He needed these girls” “Maybe he didn’t really needed them….he just wanted them” “Whatever….it’s the same. He hooked up with so many and even if I shouldn’t complain about it, I can’t stop thinking about it. I know I have no right to judge him because we’re not dating or so but….still….it’s urghh” “Well technically you two had your first date in years yesterday. Plus, you were his girlfriend, so you know him” “I do but….I have no right to judge his decisions and his past” “But if you two are really going to date again then you should definitely have a talk about the past” “If we’re ever going to date again!” “If I would be you, I would either have a discussion with him to figure it out or I would try to forget him forever”

Wow. Now Megan remembered me of my friend Lara who never really supported Josh in the last years when I was talking about him. Since I dated Sebastian Lara was completely supporting Sebastian and my relationship. Even if I was complaining about him because of some struggles we had, she was still pro Sebastian. On the other hand was her boyfriend Felix, he supported ME when I told him about my problems with Sebastian and didn’t only supported his best friend.

On my way back home I thought about Lara and our friendship. It’s been two months since I last saw and spoke to her. We didn’t have any contact since our fight here in New York. I didn’t call or text her and she didn’t do it either. I guess we were both mad at each other. No one had the guts to make the first move.

I was scrolling through Instagram this evening. Of course Lara and I were still following each other so I could see what her life was like right now. She was obviously still very happy with Felix and judging by her photos she was already planning their wedding. I didn’t know when the two would get married. Maybe this year, maybe in summer. But who knows. I didn’t get an invitation yet. Maybe she didn’t want me to come to her wedding?

After checking out Lara’s profile I clicked on Sebastian’s account. We were still following each other either. I know it doesn’t have to mean anything because it’s only social media but wasn’t it weird though? He was obviously happy, too. Looked like he was on a surfing vacation in Portugal with his brother and a few mates. He celebrated New Years Eve with the “gang” in Berlin and they were obviously writing new songs for a new album coming this year. But suddenly I shocked. There was a woman appearing in his photos on Instagram. Just a few photos but still. She was blonde and looked very nice. In one of the pics she was standing right next to him at a party. So I guess….he was dating someone new? Maybe? Whatever. Maybe she was only his friend. Why did I even care? I think I only cared about Sebastians potential new girlfriend because I didn’t have any date and the situation with Josh was still confusing me.

“Oh well Vilma” I started talking to my dog. “Did I already warn you about hooking up with your ex? I guess I did. But I do it again now. Don’t hook up with your ex. It only leads into full depression and frustration.” I said and cuddled her. At least Vilma looked as if she could understand me.

It was Friday and Megan and I were at our favorite restaurant for lunch. My night with Josh was almost one week ago and I really tried to forget it. I realized that it wouldn’t make any sense for me to care about him and the thing we had. We tried it two times and failed in having a serious relationship. Although I knew that I still had feelings for him and I couldn’t forget him very easily and probably would still love him in a few years I truly tried to stop. I had to move on. I had to date new guys. I had to do it. Otherwise I would still be stuck in this bubble where Josh and I would be a perfect couple. But that won’t happen. I knew it. While I was still wondering how we two could get on, how we could figure it out, he was probably messing around and hooking up with other women in the last days.

“I have to forget him. That’s a fact. I have to” I told Megan this day during our lunch break. “Otherwise I will go crazy” “You do it, girl. You and I, we will both find the right guy for us. A guy who treats us with respect, who is not selfish or childish, who does know what he wants and who doesn’t cheat on us!” “And who isn’t a musician” I added. “Of course not! Who the hell wants to date a musician? He has barely time and his ego is too big because of all these stupid girls who are falling for him just because he can sing or play the guitar or whatever” Megan said. I laughed. She really cheered me up this day although I was still feeling very sad. “Eileen, honestly, no matter if we’re 35 or 40. We’re fabulous! We’re a good catch and if the guys out there don’t recognize it, then it’s their bad luck, don’t you think?” “Yes….but somehow….I mean, I’m 35 years old. I always thought that I would have settled down at this age but it seems as if I’m far, far away from settling down at the moment” “Don’t think about that! Stop thinking about how other people want us to live our life!” she told me in a serious voice. “We have our blog, we’re writing texts for young independent women because we’re both young and independent.”

She was right. In the past six weeks since our blog was launched at the beginning of the new year we got many new readers. Thanks to Megan and her great network of contacts in the blogging sphere we were even mentioned on another blog about New York. I think we did a good job here and we will keep doing it – plus, we had a lot of fun while doing it!

“But sometimes I wonder if I ever will have kids, you know….the first time my gynaecologist asked me if I want to have kids, I was 27. Now, eight years later, she’s still asking this question. Every time I see her. And every time I have to say “Um, well not right now. Maybe in two years”. I don’t have to mention that she always looks a bit weird when I say these words. I mean, I’m getting older and….” ”But Eileen” Megan interrupted me. “Don’t let society or any doctor who can make money with you giving birth to a child ruin your life! It’s the 21st century. We can have fun now, we can live now….everything’s great!” “I know but….humh” “We’ll find the right guy” “But what if I already found him?” “You mean Josh?” she raised an eyebrow. “Well, I don’t know. All I know is that he was always the one I came back to. Especially in weak moments like the last year” “Sweetie, maybe you think he is the one because you two tried it two times. But where are you now? You failed. Twice. So maybe you should move on…..unless you have still feelings for him. Then you should….well I don’t know. Maybe call him?” “I won’t ever call him again!” I objected. “He was the one who was booty called by this girl because she wanted to see him again after their “night”. Whatever she meant” “Maybe she lied. Maybe she wanted to make you jealous. But maybe she said the truth and was speaking of the night she shared with him after his gig where you left” “I don’t know….and I think I don’t want to know anymore. It makes me sick to think about it all the time….I mean, ALL THE TIME. My head hurts” “Eileen, like I said, stop thinking about him. Stop caring about him – unless you still WANT to care, then you should….well, I don’t know….maybe try to have a final discussion with him.” “But where should it leads? A final discussion? I mean….we tried it twice, like you said. But we couldn’t make it. We ended our relationship. That’s it” “You ended it….” ”I know but….I guess Josh understood my reasons” “Well maybe he didn’t. Maybe he always loved you, he never stopped loving you and tried to forget you with hooking up with all these young girls” “I don’t know” I sighed. “I think it’s disgusting though….I mean, he’s not a guy in his twenties anymore” “Oh so he’s not allowed to have fun?” “No but….well, maybe I was just too jealous. Whatever” I sighed again. This wouldn’t lead into any solution.

“Whatever, I try to be a single again. A happy single woman in New York. I mean, what else do I want? I’m in paradise city for being a single, don’t you think?” “Hm….maybe” “I will date again, I will find a guy but until then, I’m just living my life and having fun” Megan smiled. Wow, Megan was inspiring. But I guess I could never behave like that. I could never be like her, behave like her, act like her. She was a way more extroverted than me.

While we were still sitting there, having a lunch bowle, my phone rang.

“Wanna bet that this is Josh?” Megan laughed. “Speaking of the devil!” “Why should he text me?” I answered with a laugh while putting my phone out of my pocket. She was right.

It was Josh.

“Eileen….

I need to see you. It’s important. It’s the last time I write you this stupid nonsense. But….I really have to see you again. Please come to the Brooklyn Bridge. You know which spot I mean. Our spot. You know it. I’ll be there at 9pm.

Love, J….”

I showed Megan the message. We were both confused. What did he mean? He needed to see me? It was important? But when it is important, why did he want to see me tonight and not earlier? Was it something serious? Did something happen to him? Did he want to tell me that he will move away? Out of the country to a better place of the earth? Maybe Iceland? Who knows! This message could mean everything!

“Or maybe it’s only his last try to show you that he loves you. That he’s still serious about you although he fucked it up so many times. I mean, he’s a guy. Guys make mistakes. Women make mistakes. We all make mistakes. Sometimes we need time to realize what is really important for ourselves and for our lives. Maybe Josh figured it out.” Megan thought. “But why does he need one week to send me this message? If I would mean so much to him, he would have written me last week after I left” “Maybe he was too afraid. Maybe he was numb. He didn’t know what to do or say. You left after you two had a great night, a great date. I bet it was hard for him” “Megan!” my voice got louder. “One of his bimbos called him to ask him out and he didn’t know how to react!” “Yes Eileen….but did you ever think about the fact that this girl just wanted his attention? Maybe he rejected her the day earlier. Maybe he really only had a drink with her after you left the club. Because he didn’t want to hook up with her again, he wanted to spend the night with you again. But then you left….maybe he told you the truth. Maybe not. You won’t find out before seeing him again and talking to him.” “So now you’re defending him? You were the one who told me to forget him just a few minutes ago!” I was mad now. “I know” Megan sighed. “But Eileen, now he sent you this message and I think it’s cute and I bet it wasn’t easy for him writing you these words. I bet he’s serious. There is something he wants to discuss with you and if you want to know what it is, you should go and find out” “Maybe he only wants to discuss with me that I should do a test of StDs because he had fun with too many girls and there could be something….” ”Eileen!” Megan now seemed mad. “Stop talking trash. If so, he wouldn’t have told you to meet him at the Brooklyn Bridge, don’t you think? He tells you to meet him at a special place and I bet this place means something to him and maybe to you as well” Of course it did. I knew exactly what he meant. This was the place we discovered for ourselves a few years ago when we did a trip to New York. Maybe that’s the reason why I reacted to weird: I knew he wanted to talk to me. I knew he was serious about something and he wanted to discuss it. But I was afraid that he only wanted to tell me that he has thought about us and the night and it’s over. I mean…..what should be over? We were not even dating. But I was afraid he could tell me that he was sorry about the phone call by the girl but he chose her or anyone else except of me. Maybe he only wanted to be honest with me after last weeks night. Who knows?

“Eileen, seriously. Being a drama queen now doesn’t help you. I tell you to do it. Go to the spot and see what’s happening. If you’re really still into him, if you could never forget him, then you should go there and talk to him. You’ll see what happens. Maybe you discuss everything and you try it again – a third time. Or you discuss everything but realize that there won’t be a future for you two. But no matter what will be the result of this meeting, I can tell you, you will be free after all. No matter if you’re trying it again or if you’re finally ruling off. “Hm, maybe you’re right. Maybe I should face my fear and go there” “You should definitely.” She said smiling. “And always keep in mind: this is New Fucking York. Everything is possible!”

So I was on my way to the Brooklyn Bridge. Honestly I didn’t want to go. But Megan convinced me to go because I would probably regretting it not to go. But I was still wondering what Josh was up to. I mean, was it his 492939th excuse why he behaved like an idiot? I thought about all the other excuses before. I was so sick of excuses. Although I was probably still a bit into him and maybe could never really forget him, I was wondering where it would lead us. I mean, I was 35, he was 41. We were both old enough to get our shit together but we didn’t. We failed two times before. And when I think about the two nights we shared together in the last months and what followed this nights – nothing – I was really wondering why I was on my way to this location he texted me. Plus, I didn’t want him to think that I would always forgive him just because he always tried to apologize. I mean, I didn’t want him to think I would forgive him just because he wanted to meet me at a romantic place.

I mean, why didn’t he answered my call after our blizzard weekend? Why did he leave the New Years Eve Party so early? Everytime I hoped for a talk, he left. Was he afraid or didn’t he want to have a talk with me? These were the questions that were on my mind and the closer I got to the location the more angrier I was.

I saw Josh standing there, his hands in his pockets. He seemed nervous. I sighed. Okay Eileen, you have to do this now. You can’t leave now. He asked you to come and you came and walked all the way over the Brooklyn Bridge to this place where he wanted to meet you It’s okay. You will listen to his words and then decide. Maybe it will change your life, maybe not. That’s totally okay. You became friends with being single. You have Vilma. You have Megan and your blog. Everything’s fine. You’re living in one of the best cities of the world, so you will be happy again. You will meet someone who can make you happy.

“Hey” Josh smiled at me. “Hey” I said. Maybe I didn’t smile that much. He seemed confused. “Thanks for coming. How are you?” he asked me. “Josh….” I sighed. “Just tell me what you want to tell me…I mean, what are we doing here? Meeting at this cold place….I don’t get it” I was surprised by my rough reaction but…..it was how I was thinking about this stupid idea to meet here in the cold. “Eileen…I wanted to see you again and I chose this place because it’s special to me” “It’s specifically cold here” I said sarcastic. “It is….” Josh sighed. “Sorry for that” he chuckled. I looked at him full of surprise. What did he want to tell me? “So….um, you might have wondered why I wanted to meet you here….honestly, I want to apologize” “Wow….the 1000th time…..” “I know” he said and looked at me. “I know that I apologized quite often because of my shitty behavior and I know that I hurt you in the past….” “Well….if you want to call it that way. Okay. I mean, I just wondered why you didn’t answer my calls after our blizzard weekend?” “Um, well….” He sighed. “I lost my phone” “Seriously? You lost your phone? And you have no friends who could know my number?” “Eileen, I know it was stupid but I was afraid” “Afraid of what?” “Afraid of being rejected by you. I didn’t know if you want me to call you after the night we shared together” I couldn’t believe it. Why did he think I spent a whole weekend with him? Just because I was bored? Just because I didn’t want to be alone? Of course I didn’t want to be alone but….I liked spending these days with him. Why was he afraid I didn’t want it? “Josh….why being afraid? I mean….you know me. I don’t hook up with every random guy” “I know but….I’m just stupid I guess….” ”And what about New Years Eve? Why didn’t you want to talk to me?” “You were busy talking to Molly’s brother” Josh said and looked at me. “Did it make you jealous?” I asked him. He shook his head. “No, I’m just….it’s just….I don’t know. I wasn’t feeling well and so I wanted to leave” “Well….I really thought we could have a talk there” “But we spent this night together last week. And it was wonderful” Josh suddenly changed the topic and smiled at me. But sadly I couldn’t share his joy.

“Of course it was….until your bimbo called you and asked you out.” “I’m sorry for that….” He said. “Josh….you don’t have to be sorry. I mean, we’re not dating. I don’t have the right to judge you and your behavior. But I just wonder where the real Josh is. The Josh I got to know seven years ago. The Josh who was so humble and nice and lovely….where is he? Now I have the feeling that you’re lost. In a way….you had all these girls and honestly….I don’t know what to think about it. I know I have nor reason to be mad or so but….I don’t know if I can handle it.” “What do you mean?” “To act as if nothing had happened….To be honest, I don’t know how to face the fact that you had a lot of girls in the past years. It just doesn’t fit your attitude” ”But it’s my life. You can’t judge me for that” he objected. ”I know I can’t. I have no right. But....I still can’t believe it” “It’s in the past” Josh assured me. “I know but….it’s a part of you now….” “Eileen, I’m sorry for that….I’m sorry for all these girls I hooked up with. It never meant anything for me. Sometimes I didn’t even know the names of these girls. I felt so terrible and miserable” “Why did you do it then?” “I think I couldn’t be alone. I couldn’t be on my own with my thoughts and feelings. I already told you….I was fucked up. I transformed in this typical musician who only wants to have superficial encounters. Never being serious. Only being superficial and noncommittal.” “You know....this isn’t you” “I know it’s not me. But here I am. Right in front of you. Now it is me. Believe me” Josh looked at me. But I couldn’t answer. I didn’t know what to answer. I didn’t know what he wanted to hear. Should I forgive him again for behaving like shit last week? I mean, it was his bimbo who called him while I was still lying naked in his bed. How disgusting is that?

“What do you want me to say?” I asked him. “I don’t know….But, I do know that I love you. I always did. I was just too silly to realize it. Too silly to see it. I guess I needed time….” ”How much time? I’m 35, you’re 41. We’re definitely grown ups now” I told him. “We are….” ”What about Helen?” “What do you mean?” “Did you love her?” “I did….for a while. But when I saw you in New York….I just forgot about Helen. Although your boyfriend was there and although it hurt me so bad, I couldn’t stop thinking of you….shit Eileen, I already told you all these words back in December on the blizzard weekend” Josh’s voice got louder now. “What do you want to hear from me?” “Nothing….I just don’t know if I can do it. You text me and ask me to meet you here. In the cold. Now you tell me you love me. But how should I know you’re honest? How should I trust you?” “Because I’m totally honest with you. I always was” he assured me. “Josh….we already tried it twice and we failed. I don’t know if I have the guts to try it a third time. And I’m too old for this shit….Do you remember when you told me that you’re too old for just having fun? It was seven years ago….only a few months after we met for the first time. You told me you’re too old for just hooking up. You were 34. Now I’m 35 and know exactly what you mean. I’m too old for this shit. I don’t know what you think about it and why your behaviour and attitude changed over the years but…I do know that I’m too old to be only one of these girls you’re hooking up with” “Eileen….how can you say this? This hurts me so bad. You’re not just any girl I hooked up with” he told me.

But I didn’t know what to say or do. So I turned around and left. Honesty, I imagined this conversation to be different. I don’t even know what I expected but….I felt so bad right now. I didn’t know what I wanted. I was afraid we could mess it up a third time. I was afraid I would realize it too late that Josh and I could never be happy. What if he wasn’t the guy with whom I wanted to have kids with? What if I would be single again in two years? I didn’t want that. I was grown up now and I wanted something serious. I wanted to have kids and a family and….maybe marrying some day? I didn’t know but I thought about it a lot these days. So what if Josh and I would fail again?

But….what if we didn’t? What if he was the right guy but I didn’t realize it now? What if walking away was the biggest mistake ever?

While I was still thinking about all these things he stopped me from walking away.

“Eileen” he said. “It is you. It was always only you. You’re the one. You’re not just any girl I met….you’re THE girl. Maybe we fail again but who knows? Maybe it’s like in this U2 song “With or Without You”. Maybe I can’t live with or without you. But I still prefer living with you than being without you forever. So please, stop walking away from me. Just stop and….I don’t know. Just stop, please” his voice didn’t sound so confident anymore. He almost felt like craving. I guess he was afraid too. Afraid that now this was finally the moment that I would walk away from him. But something stopped me from doing it. I turned around and looked at him. You can tell he looked relieved when he saw my face again. “Oh thanks you stopped” he said and went towards me. “What should we do now? I mean….how fucked up is this situation?” I asked him. “Stop. Just stop saying anything, okay?” he said and kissed me. Of course I wanted this kiss. Honestly, I think my body was waiting for it. Maybe it was just my mind that wasn’t ready yet. “I love you” he whispered to my ear. I just smiled but I couldn’t be relaxed. There was still something on my mind. Josh noticed it and asked me. “What’s on your mind? Let’s talk about it….please” he let me knew. “Are you sure we should try it again? A third time? And tell me how we should do it….I’m living in New York, you’re living in LA….it’s not a good starting situation, don’t you think?” “We will make it” Josh assured me and put his arms around me. I let it all happen because I wanted it. Yes, I fucking wanted it. I wanted to be close to him. “And as you might know, I just bought an apartment here in Manhattan. So I will be here as often as possible” he smiled at me. “I know” I chuckled. “You know, I’m just a little bit unsure but….we’ll do it” I looked at him. “We will” he assured me. “Look, I love you like I’ve never loved anyone else before. And even the fact that these feelings never really went away even during the time we didn’t see each other in the last four years shows me that it is real. It’s true love, it does exist. I never believed in it until I met you and….” “I love you too” I whispered and kissed his cheek. Then I laid my head on his chest. Maybe it was the right decision. Maybe not. Who knows? No one knows what the future will be like. But right now I knew that I felt happy and safe standing so close to Josh, his arms around me, his breath in my neck. Right now it was just me and him. And New York.

Maybe he was right. Maybe we can’t live with or without each other. But the least we could do is try, right?

Back home in my apartment Vilma was welcoming Josh and he was cuddling with her while I was making tea and we finally cooked together. Maybe it was stupid and strange but out of a sudden we acted like a normal couple again. As if there wouldn’t have been more than four years gone by. We continued where we left off. Just like a normal couple. Josh and Eileen back at it again.

That night I couldn’t sleep. But this time it wasn’t because of my mind going crazy and asking all these ridiculous questions about life and love. This time it was because I was watching Josh falling asleep. I still couldn’t believe it. All it needed in the end were just a few stupid but also beautiful words by him. Maybe it needed to be one of us who made the first step. I guess it was clear that there was still something going on between us. I noticed it after the blizzard night in December. Maybe I didn’t have the guts to ask Josh for this talk. But luckily he had the guts.

What if no one would have had the guts to do it. Would we keep living apart in the next years? Maybe having a family with someone else? Just because we were afraid to face the truth? I didn’t know but luckily I didn’t have to think about it anymore.

April

“And now one of the few graduates who did their PhD in Berlin wants to share a few words with you. Please, Eileen. It’s your stage now” my professor introduced me to the audience. I was at the assembly hall at UCLA. The University where I started my PhD more than five years ago. Today it was the graduation celebration. I was wearing this stupid robe with this typical hat everyone knows.

I was so nervous that my hands were shaking. My heart was beating so fast I felt so flustered. But I had to say these words because I promised my professor to do it.

“Hello everyone” I started. “My name is Eileen Puritz. When I first started with my doctorate I couldn’t imagine how hard it would be. Of course I knew how stressful and busy life as a student was. Many people just laugh at the students who seem to have a chilling life. But that’s a lie. Life as a student is always based on pressure. No matter if you put yourself under pressure or others do it. But doing a PhD is way harder. But that wasn’t enough for me. I even moved to Berlin to do my PhD. First it was just for one semester but then I had this job opportunity and…..I stayed.”

I moved on and told some stories about my life as a PhD in Berlin and the audience seemed to like it. I felt more confident and wasn’t that nervous anymore. But when I came to the end of my speech I noticed that I blushed while I was telling all these words.

“You know….when I thought about doing a PhD, there was a guy in my life who truly supported my decision. I guess he was the one who told me that I’m a smart woman and if I want to do it, I should do it. Maybe his believe in me was the reason why I finally did it. But guess what….the guy and I took different paths and we didn’t spoke any word while I was in Berlin working for my PhD. In between time I met a lot of great friends there who supported me and of course my boyfriend at that time believed in me as well. But somehow I always wondered what this specific guy would have thought about me if he would have known that I even moved to Berlin to study again. And crazy how life can be, we met again last year. Now he’s here and I want to thank him because….although we didn’t see each other for four whole years, he still believed in me. This morning he told me that he’s proud of me and my work.”

I said and some people already started applauding but I stopped them.

“I decided not to stay at university because I was sick of studying, reading and teaching. Sorry guys, I know a lot of you are working at university and you love your job. That’s totally okay but I don’t. I have finally enough” I laughed. I hoped the many people here who were working for the university didn’t take it personally. “But I found something that I can be passionate about. I started a blog together with a friend. We’re writing about things women are interested in. Not the typical “How you can lose weight in ten days” or the “11 ways you can make your boyfriend go crazy in bed”-topics. I mean, the real topics. Growing up, finding a job, getting confidence, sexism, harassment, fears, marrying, becoming a mother. Even if we’re no experts in any of these topics we try to write about it. That’s what I love. Writing. So I will keep writing. I wrote a dissertation and I will keep writing” I laughed and many people in the audience joined me. “And again there is this guy who believes in me. And he makes me happy, confident and let me feel whole. Josh, thank you so much for being my boyfriend. I know we’re only dating for a few months now and it is the third time we’re trying it but…..I do believe in us.” I blushed and looked at him. He was sitting in the second row smiling at me – but he also blushed a bit. I could see that. I continued.

People were applauding while I was shaking my professor’s hand again before he was handling me my certification. In the corner of the eye I saw Josh applauding and looking at me. In that moment I was wondering how we both could have been so stupid for not starting this talk we had back in February at the Brooklyn Bridge a way earlier. We could have been happy for a longer time now.

Everything was fine now. My family was here, my closest friends were here, but most of all, the most important guy in my life was here. And I was so fucking happy that I could call him my boyfriend again.

Maybe we needed these almost five years for finding out who we are. For trying new things, learning new things, meeting new people and even travelling around the world. But in the end we ended up where we both started. In a way.

I hugged my mother and my father, my brother and his kids, my best friend Molly and her hubby Eric and finally there was Josh whose arms around me let me feel save. I’m finally here.

________________

“Through the storm, we reach the shore You give it all but I want more And I'm waiting for you With or without you With or without you I can't live with or without you”

U2 - With Or Without You

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#rhcp #rhcp fanfiction #josh klinghoffer #josh klinghoffer fanfiction #red hot chili peppers #red hot chili pepper fanfiction #fanfiction #dot hacker

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didiletyouknooow · 6 years

Text

Sorry for not posting

Hey guys,

I’m so sorry that I couldn’t post the new chapter yet. But due to stuff I have to do for college I’m so busy right now and couldn’t find the time. I feel so bad, especially because it was supposed to be a chapter with two parts and now I don’t have time to finish the second part. I can’t promise when it will be finished but I will do my best to write it in the next two weeks.

Until then here is some Josh appreciation for you....

and

THANK YOU FOR READING ! <3333

Haha, okay it’s not always Josh in the gifs but I found it funny :D

#rhcp #rhcp fanfiction #josh klinghoffer #josh klinghoffer fanfiction #red hot chili peppers #red hot chili peppers fanfiction #fanfiction #dot hacker

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didiletyouknooow · 6 years

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63. Your Eyes Girl

Hey,

I’m VERY sorry that it took me so long to write the next chapter but I was very busy in the last weeks. Originally the chapter was much longer but I decided to split it into two chapter so I will post the next chapter in the next days - hopefully, if I find time to finish it. These two next chapters are very special. I already have them in mind for months haha. So finally I can post the first part! I really hope you like it! Thank you for reading <3

_________

El Sereno, Los Angeles….

„So, are you coming to our party?“ Eric asked me when we were leaving the rehearsal room. I was so paranoid that I was watching out for a pregnant woman with blonde hair again. Since the story of Chloe and her unknown baby father went public I was in a bad mood. “Of course….Emma and I will come to the party” I told Eric. “Great. I think there will be many kids this year. My sister brings her daughter and two of our friends will come with their kids too. I think they’re all in the same age so Emma will have fun I guess” “I hope so” I agreed. “Um, well there is another thing I want to talk about with you” Eric suddenly said. “Okay?” “Well, I hope it won’t bother you that Eileen will attend the party as well” “She will?” “Yes, she called Molly yesterday and told that she will be there” “Okay….” ”You don’t have any problem with it, do you?” “No” I said. It was the truth. I didn’t have any problem with Eileen being at the party. It was quite the contrary: I felt happy to hear that she will be there. But at the same time I was afraid. I didn’t know how to face her. I didn’t call and she didn’t call either after our night during the blizzard weekend. Of course I could have asked Eric or Molly for her number after I lost my phone but….I didn’t. “Cool” Eric smiled. “Is everything okay?” “It is” I said. “You know, I’m just a bit absent with my mind because I’m still mad at Chloe for her weird publicity show but….our lawyer is settling it so….I think I shouldn’t care so much” “Well, she’s an attention whore….you don’t have anything to do with her unborn baby so…stop caring about it” “I know….I shouldn’t care so much but it bothers me that an ex girlfriend can put me in such a situation. She even talked about our relationship in the public last week. I mean, it’s over for seven years. No one cares but it seems as if the tabloids do care because now she is a famous actress” “Well, like I already said. Stop reading the tabloids, stop caring. Live your life. Your lawyer will do his job and she will be silent in a week or so” “I hope so….he just texted me that he talked to Chloe’s laywer. I can’t believe that we have to figure it out with lawyers. I mean, I don’t know what’s wrong with her. Why does she want the tabloids to write that we’re dating again and suggesting that I could be the father of her child? We didn’t see each other in seven years!” “Well, I don’t know what’s going on in her head but….I can only imaging that she’s still in love with you” “Eric, I broke up with her seven years ago!” “I know but….sometimes you can’t forget a special person. I know that your relationship with her wasn’t that serious for you. But maybe it was for her. Maybe she couldn’t forget you like….like you can’t forget Eileen”

He faced me with his blue eyes. I didn’t know what to say. Surely he knew about the night I spent with Eileen in New York after our gig. “Josh, did you call her?” “No..” “Why not?” “Because….I lost my phone” “Wow, what a dumb answer” “I didn’t have her number….” “What about asking me or Molly? Even if I don’t have her number I could still ask my wife. You know that” “I know….” I sighed. “But I didn’t know if Eileen spoke with Molly about the night and….maybe she wanted it to be a secret” “Josh” Eric laughed. “Eileen and Molly are very good friends and even if they don’t see each other that often and even if Molly’s life changed since she became a mother….they still talk about boys” “Okay….” ”So….why didn’t you ask me?” “Because I was afraid!” “Why?” “Because….what if she doesn’t want it? What if it was only a fling for her? I can’t do this again…..I can’t get her out of my head for a third time. I needed almost two years until I stopped thinking about her every day….you know that” “I know” Eric agreed. “I slept with so many girls just to forget Eileen. I didn’t even like some of the girls I hooked up with. It was just a survival mood….I just needed it to do because I thought that’s the only way I could forget her. But I was so fucking wrong. Every time I laid next to one of these unknown girls and tried to sleep I wished that Eileen would be at their place. I always wished she would be lying next to me but instead she was with her new boyfriend in Germany….it broke my heart when I heard that she met this guy. Not because I was jealous, but because I had the feeling that it could be something serious with him….and I was right. I hated this guy. I never met him but I hated him so much because he had what I wanted to have” “But Josh, she broke up with him” “Yes” I said. “But that doesn’t make it any easier, you know. I’m living in LA, she’s in New York now….how should we do this?” “Well, first of all, you should talk to her. Otherwise you’ll never know”

Eric was right. I was such a Milquetoast. I was such a loser. I didn’t have the guts to call Eileen after our night in New York. It was almost one month ago and I didn’t do it. Surely, she didn’t do the same. But what if she called me when I lost my phone? Even if I still had the same number…..maybe my new phone didn’t show me that she called? Who knows….maybe Eric was right. I should talk to her. So I was looking forward to New Years Eve.

New Years Eve….

“Emma, are you ready? We have to leave soon!” I asked her and entered her room. She was standing in front of her mirror facing herself. “What’s wrong?” I wanted to know. “I don’t know if I should wear a dress with flowers or maybe some pants and my favorite sweatshirt” “Well” I laughed. “I don’t know” “Thank you….this was very helpful” “Just wear what you like the most. You should feel comfortable in it” “Then I should wear the sweatshirt….but New Years Eve is something special….so….maybe the dress?” “Sure” “Mom would’ve helped me with my decision….” she suddenly said and I could see the sadness in her eyes. “Emma” I said and knelt down at her. “Last year we celebrated in our house together with mommy and grandma…..we had barbecue and it was the best New Years Eve I’ve ever had” Emma said with tears in her eyes. I put my arms around her and pulled her closer. “I never thought she would leave me just six months later….” “I know” I said. “She just left me as if I would be a piece of paper you can throw into the bin” “No…Emma, please, don’t say this. Your mother loved you but….she had some struggles” “But why did she leave me? I was her only child….I don’t understand her decision. She didn’t even call me” “I know….” I sighed and hugged her. While Emma was crying I became angry. Angry at Helen for leaving us. Why did she do it? Why did she leave her only daughter alone with a man who wasn’t even her father? She changed both of our lives. I think my life would be different now if Emma wouldn’t live with me. That doesn’t mean that I didn’t love her and cared for her – I did! But I think my life would be different. On the other hand I thought that Emma kept me away from messing around with girls and going back to old habits. I think if Emma wouldn’t be a focus in my life, I would have gone back to old habits directly after my break up from Helen. But I didn’t. Because I didn’t have time and I was focusing on other things. I wasn’t lonely anymore like I used to be after my break up from Eileen four years ago. I didn’t fell into a sort of limbo. I was focusing on mine and Emma’s life. I had to take care of her. And it kept me away from bad decisions. So….in a way I was happy that Emma was in my life. She brightened it up. She made me a better person. She was like the daughter I never had.

“Josh?” Emma suddenly asked. “Yes?” “I’m so happy to have you in my life. Thank you for caring about me….I don’t want to go back to Chino. I want to stay here in LA” “I know Emma. I wouldn’t have let you go back to Chino. You belong to LA, don’t you think?” “Yes, definitely!” she laughed. I ruffled her hair, took her hand and we left to get to the party.

Eric was right, there were many kids at the party. So after dinner, Emma left together with some other kids to play sing star. I talked to a lot of people I haven’t met in a long time and I was very happy seeing them again. Molly and Eric hosted a wonderful New Years Eve party. Everything was decorated with “Happy New Year” paper streamers. It was quite nice and I was happy that I decided to attend the party. I didn’t have any other plans. The only plan I had was spending the night at home with Emma and Agneta. Eileen wasn’t here yet. Molly told me that she would come later because she had dinner with her parents before. Honestly, I felt a bit relieved that she wasn’t here during dinner time because I would have been a nervous wreck. But now I thought of talking to her again. I should. I definitely should and….now she was entering the living room.

She was smiling and greeting everyone. Even me. We were smiling at each other and hugged. Then she told me she would welcome everyone else until she would come back. I nodded and she left. I didn’t talk to her in the next two hours until midnight. I only saw her talking to Molly and many other people. I had the feeling she met many friends again and was just distracted by them and forget about coming back to talk with me. Right at midnight everyone was going into the garden and we counted from 10 to 1 until we celebrated the turn of the year. Right at midnight Emma came to me. “Happy New Year Josh, you’re the best step dad I ever had!” she said and I knelt down to hug her. I never heard words like that and it made me very emotional. “I wish you the same, Emma.” “Thanks Josh….you know, we can do this, right? You, me and grandma. We’re a team, are we?” “We definitely are!” I smiled. “Josh, look how beautiful the firework looks like” Emma grinned and pointed at the sky where some fireworks were celebrating the new year. “Amazing” I was whispering and still hugging Emma. While Emma and I were hugging for a very long time I saw that Eileen was looking at us for a short moment until she approached us. “Hey Josh, Happy New Year!” she said. I stood up and we hugged. I smelled her perfume which must have been a new one. It wasn’t the long-known smell of Miss Dior. “Thank you, Happy New Year” I repeated and didn’t want let go of our hug but Eileen did. She smiled at me and then she looked at Emma. “Hey, you must be Emma, right?” Emma nodded. “I think we met before back in February last year in New York” Eileen told her. “Could be” Emma was skeptical. “Happy New Year Emma” Eileen was smiling at the little girl who was standing next to me. “Thank you, the same to you” Emma answered. “Do you have fun at the party?” “Yes” Emma nodded. “Well, it’s….um, it’s nice to see you Josh” Eileen was now looking at me. I felt nervous immediately. “I’m glad to see you” I agreed and smiled. “How are you? How was Christmas?” “It was great….we celebrated with my family and with Emma’s grandma” “Did your dad open an old bottle of Scotch?” Eileen laughed. “He did! How do you know?” I grinned. “Well, it’s a typical Christmas Eve at the Klinghoffer house” she told me. “You’re right” I smiled back at her.

At that moment Eileen was approached by Molly and a guy. She excused herself and went back into the house with them.

“Josh?” Emma asked me when Eileen went away. “Yes?” “Why are you just looking at her?” “What….what??? I’m just looking? No, I talked to her” “Well, you could call it like that but….it wasn’t a real talk. I mean, you looked so scared and nervous when she came towards us” “Hm….I was just happy to see her again” “Then why didn’t you talk much more?” What a good question. Sometimes Emma was asking the most philosophical questions.

Back into the living room I was clinking glasses with my mates. I was wondering how our lives have changed in the last years. Now everyone was a father. Eric had his daughter, Jonathan had a son and Clint became a father a few weeks ago. And although Emma wasn’t my own daughter I was a father too. It is strange how time can fly so fast. “Hey um Josh, can you get us some beer” Jonathan asked me. “Sure” I said and went into the kitchen. I still had the will to talk to Eileen but since there were so many people at this party there wasn’t the right moment to talk to her. To be honest, we didn’t really talk. I liked this hug she gave me at midnight and I wished it would have lasted longer but since Eileen was approached by some friends she had to stop our hug and talked to her friends. I think I never felt more anxious than right now. When I entered the kitchen I saw her again. But she wasn’t alone. She was talking to a guy. He must’ve told her a very funny story because she was laughing so loud. It must’ve been very funny. I knew her. She wouldn’t laugh so loud if it wasn’t funny. I looked at the guy and suddenly the two looked at me. “Can I help you?” the guy asked me. “I’m just looking for beer” I told him. “Well, here in the fridge” he said and gave me two bottles. “Thank you” I said a bit confused and turned around. “So, where were we? Oh right, I told you about my college years” I heard the guys saying. I even stopped for a short time after leaving the kitchen to overhear their conversation.

“So I told my professor that I was totally hangover and forgot about the test and it turned out he did the same” the guy told her laughing. I heard Eileen laughing as well. “And what did you do then?” she wanted to know. “He told me to come back one week later when we’re both sober” “Funny story….yes, college years were the best” “Yeah, they were” the guy probably smiled and looked at Eileen. I didn’t know if he did it but I would do it in this situation. “So, are you here with someone?” he finally asked the question. “Well, did you see me with anyone here?” Eileen responded. It was her flirting voice. I could hear it. “Not really” he laughed. “So, no….I’m not here with anyone” she probably smiled. “Okay” he probably smiled again. “Um, excuse me for a moment, I have to look for something” she suddenly said and walked towards the door.

I wanted to leave but I couldn’t. I felt petrified. “Josh? What are you doing here?” she asked laughing when she left the kitchen and saw me standing in the dark hall. “Um, I was just calling someone” I lied. Luckily it was New Years Eve so it wasn’t that weird to call someone right after midnight. “Okay” she smiled and passed me. I smelled her beautiful perfume. She definitely had a new one. It must’ve been something more passionate. I liked it.

I watched her going to the living room to talk to Molly for a moment. Suddenly I realized that the guy she was flirting with in the kitchen was Molly’s brother. Of course he was! Now I remembered him. He was a few years older than Molly and now I realized what Molly has planned for tonight. She wanted to set Eileen up with her brother! Oh yes she did! I saw the two women laughing and giggling and suddenly Eileen left the living room again. I went into the bathroom because I didn’t want her to recognize me still standing in the hall.

After drinking my last beer I decided to leave. Eileen was still talking to Molly’s brother who was a lawyer I was told by Eric. Of course he knew how to get into women’s pants. Maybe I was too jealous and too sarcastic but that’s just my way to handle this situation. Honestly when I heard that Eileen would attend the party I didn’t think that it would turn out this way. I really thought Eileen and I could have a talk. Maybe I was too lost in my fairytales. “Emma, hurry up we have to go now” I let her know. “What? Why? It’s only 1am!” “Yes and it’s late!” “But….the others are allowed to stay up too!” “I don’t care about the others. I want to drive home now” I told her. You could see that she was mad at me but I didn’t care. I just wanted to leave. “Are you sure you want to leave now?” Eric asked me. “Yes, I’m very tired” “Josh, it’s New Years Eve!” “I know but….I’m just fucked up okay?” “Is it because of Eileen and Molly’s brother?” “I don’t care about Eileen anymore. It’s a new year, I should start caring about myself and stop caring about a person who is obviously moving on with her life” I told him while putting on my jacket. “Josh, stop talking bullshit!” Eric said. “Eileen will never ever fall for Jared. He’s just a poser and bighead!” I knew that Eric didn’t like Molly’s brother but he didn’t know what Eileen was seeing in Jared. Maybe she liked him. “She’s just listening to him because she’s nice. You know her” Yes I knew her and she didn’t listen to me but instead she listened to this swaggerer. “I know but…..” I started whispering to Eric. “A few weeks a go we spent one of the greatest nights I’ve ever had together and now she’s behaving like we’re just two old friends who only greet each other. I don’t know why she’s acting like this but she’s probably moved on and the night we shared doesn’t mean anything to her” ”Josh, stop saying this. You don’t even know what she is thinking about it….you never asked her, do you?” “No” I sighed. “See, maybe you should do it. Maybe it would change the situation completely” “Whatever, I have to go now. I’m tired” I told Eric. “Josh, talk to her!! Call her! Whatever you want to do….DO IT!” Eric let me know. I nodded and left together with Emma.

When I was lying in my bed I couldn’t sleep. Of course I couldn’t sleep! I had still this picture of Eileen and Molly’s brother in my head. How they were talking in the kitchen and how she was laughing at him. I knew it was silly and I felt like an 18 year old teenage boy who lost his crush to the famous foot ball star of the year at school. But I couldn’t stop feeling this way. I was just too afraid to start a talk with her. I was afraid she wouldn’t feel the same. Since our night in New York City I didn’t stop thinking of her and I truly missed her. Is that even possible? I mean, we only spent two days together. But it confused me a lot. I realized that my feelings for her came back. Maybe they never went away. They were always deep down in my heart. I just stopped caring about her one day when I met Helen. But now that Helen was history I realized that Eileen was someone special to me. I already realized it after our encounter at our concert in New York in February last year when I was still with Helen and Eileen was still dating her boyfriend. Yes it was one part of the reason why I broke up with Helen. She was totally right. But what did happen since then? Yes, Eileen and I spent one weekend together and maybe it was something special that happened that night. I don’t know. I only knew that I was still in love with her but I couldn’t talk to her. I felt stuck when she was around me. I didn’t have the guts to talk to her. Instead I was mad at myself for leaving the party so early because I saw her talking to this guy. How stupid was that? I didn’t even want to know if she even left the party with him. I didn’t care. I only questioned myself why I didn’t talk to her? Why was I so petrified? Why was I so anxious? Why was I always pretending to be this confident guy when I was hooking up with other girls but was self-doubting and anxious when it came to the woman I was in love with?

January

“Are you sure you want to do this on your own? I mean, we don’t know what the magazine will ask you” Mike looked at me. “Yes, I’m sure that I want to do this on my own. It’s just an interview. I always did interviews on my own without someone watching” “I know but since this incident with Chloe we should be careful. Maybe they will ask you about it although we told them they’re not allowed to. I just don’t want you to feel uncomfortable” “Mike” I laughed. “It’s an interview about people living in New York right? So I bet they will only focus on this topic and not on my private life which is totally boring by the way” “I know but….they don’t know. Maybe they see a chance to get more information. Maybe they want to tease you” “Mike, the Brooklyn Magazine is a serious online magazine….why should they ask something about my private life?” Mike shrugged his shoulders. “I will do it on my own. I don’t need you by my side” I told him when we were leaving the restaurant where we had lunch.

I was booked for an interview by the Brooklyn Magazine which is an online magazine about New York in general, but especially about Brooklyn. I’m not a reader of this magazine but I informed myself about it before agreeing to the interview. It seems pretty serious. The only thing I couldn’t find out was anything about the writers. Unlike any other online magazines they don’t have a page about their editors. I only knew the name of their boss but that’s all. So I took pot luck. I was in New York anyway because of a short acoustic concert I would play tonight with Eric Avery in a bar, so I could do this interview.

When I arrived at the venue where the interview should take place – a café in Brooklyn – I was surprised how cool it looked. I saw the guys with the cameras and photographers right off so I approached them and greeted them. “Our editor is going to be here in a few minutes” the guys told me while checking their cameras. It wasn’t only an interview for an article in their magazine, they also wanted to film it. “Okay, I just wait here” “Do you want something to drink Mr. Klinghoffer?” a waitress asked me and I ordered a coffee with milk. Just when the waitress brought me my coffee someone I knew entered the café. I was shocked. What did she do here? Fuck, I didn’t want to meet her accidentally. I wasn’t prepared for it. Plus, I had to do an interview in a few minutes and I didn’t want Eileen to watch me while I was talking bullshit about New York. But it turned out completely different from what I thought.

“Hey” I greeted her when she was coming towards me. But instead of greeting me back she just smiled and looked at the guys with the cameras and finally shook my hand. Okay, what was wrong here? Now I was completely confused. When did we go from kissing to only shaking hands? “Nice to meet you Mr. Klinghoffer” Eileen suddenly said. What. The. Fuck? “Um, yes um….it’s nice to meet you” “Eileen” she interrupted my sentence. As if I wouldn’t know her before. “So, how are you? Did you find the venue? Sorry for being so late but I was struck in the traffic” she apologized. I was still confused. But when she started talking to the technique guys I finally understood what she was doing here: she was interviewing me! While one of the guys told her something about the recordings she tried to signalize me with her face that we should obviously pretend to NOT know each other. Wow, this wouldn’t be easy. I mean, I was in love with this woman. How should I pretend that she’s a total stranger to me? “So…..let’s start” she said when we took a seat at the couch that was prepared for the interview. “Let me start with a question we ask every person we interview for this topic….what does New York means to you?” I didn’t really listen to her, I was just blown away by her eyes. Again. Did she do anything with them? Was she wearing crazy contracts? Or what was wrong with me? Didn’t I notice these eyes before? I tried to talk as confident as possible but there were moments where I failed. I couldn’t stay serious. Sometimes the guys were looking at me with a weird face when I was saying things like “I think you know” or “Just like you did….probably”. But all in all I tried my very best and so did Eileen. She was very nervous. I noticed it right away. Her hand was sweaty when we shook hands and she was almost avoiding looking into my eyes. Maybe I made bamboozled her. Whatever.

One hour later the interview was done. Another sweaty handshake and finally the guys with the cameras had to leave. Eileen told them that she had another appointment and wouldn’t go back to the office with them.

Instead she stayed at the café. With me. Now it was just the two of us.

___________________

“Eileen, it would be a favour if you would do this interview. I know I wanted to do it because I think that Josh Klinghoffer is a very interesting person and I was the one who requested for the interview but….I really can’t miss this business meeting I have….so would you do me the favour and conduct the interview?” I didn’t know how to react and reply. I just didn’t know. Did my boss just ask me to do an interview with my ex? Okay, he didn’t know that Josh was my ex but….he did ask me to do it! “Um, well if it’s necessary” “Believe me, he’s a very interesting, kind and humble person. I once interviewed him a few years ago and he was very nice. He’s not so arrogant like other musicians” I wanted to answer “I know” but I didn’t. So I just nodded and told him I would do the interview.

When I told Megan the news she just laughed at me. She couldn’t hide her laugh. “Haha, it’s very funny” “Sorry but….it’s so funny….from all the people who are living in New York your boss tells you to interview your ex” “Who is not even living here! He just bought an apartment in Manhattan” “Well, but he has a connection to New York” “Yes….but still…it’s like karma is a bitch!” “Eileen” Megan said. “Stop thinking about it too much. You just go there, do the interview and everything will be okay. I bet Josh will be nice although it will be awkward for him as well” “I can’t even put him on his guard. I textded him and called him weeks ago but he didn’t call. Then there was this weird New Years Eve party where he seemed so unimpressed and cold to me….maybe that’s why I started talking to Molly’s brother. I just wanted to make Josh jealous which was a very stupid idea and obviously didn’t work. He just left the party early….but I can’t call him right now to tell him that I will be the person who will interview him. I mean, that would be weird” “Why?” “Because he didn’t pick up my calls and didn’t text back?” “Oh well Eileen, why do you always make such a drama?”

On my way to the meeting point in the café in Brookklyn I was thinking about Megan’s words. What did she mean when she said “Why do you always make such a drama?”. Was it a drama? I just felt awkward to text or call him just to warn him. He didn’t respond my calls and texts so…..was I a drama queen? Was I overdramatizing? I was very nervous when I arrived at the café. I already spotted Josh from afar. He was good looking and probably having a talk with the guys who would film the interview. I saw that he had ordered a coffee and thought about the terrible things that coffee would do to my stomach in such a nervous situation.

I entered the café and took a deep breath. I counted from five to zero until I went to the crew and Josh. “Hey” he greeted me whilst I was coming towards him. I smiled at him because I was so nervous and didn’t know what to do or to say. Wow, what a great start for an interview, I thought. I was supposed to interview this person and I wasn’t even able to say hello? Instead I went to the camera guys to greet them first and then I shook Josh’s hand. It felt totally weird. I mean, we weren’t supposed to shake hands. A few months ago we were so close to one another and now we were only shaking hands? But I didn’t want the camera guys to notice anything. I didn’t want them to tell my boss that I already knew Josh before the interview. So I pretended to be a stranger to him. “Nice to meet you Mr. Klinghoffer” I said and smiled again. I could see in his eyes that he couldn’t understand my behaviour but I tried to show him with my facial expression to join the game. And he did. “Um, yes um, it’s nice to meet you” he said a bit confused. “Eileen” I introduced myself. As if he wouldn’t have known me before. “So, how are you? Did you find the venue? Sorry for being so late but I was struck in the traffic” I started talking to him. I could see the confusion in his eyes but he glossed it very well. While I listened to one of the guys from the technique I still tried to signalize Josh that we should only pretend that we didn’t know each other before and everything will be fine. “”So….let’s start” I finally said and we took a seat at the couch. “Let me start with a question we ask every person we interview for this topic….what does New York mean to you?” I started the interview. Wow, it felt so weird. I couldn’t find words to describe this fucked up situation. I mean, who is interviewing his ex?

After interviewing Josh for twenty minutes I calmed a bit down. He was very talkative and talked a lot about New York and his favourite places. Sometimes it reminded me of the time we shared together and I think he kind of noticed it when I was looking at him. I don’t think that my coworkers who filmed the interview noticed anything. Maybe I said a little bit too often “Oh I know” or “Yes, I already knew” but they didn’t care.

One hour later the interview was done. I thanked Josh and talked to my coworkers again. They would cut the video and we would post it tomorrow. “Um, I have another appointment now so you two can leave now. I won’t come back to the office today” I told the guys so they left – but not before saying goodbye to Josh. He was very friendly and even talked a bit with them before they finally left. Now there were only the two of us. When my co workers have left the café he was looking at me. “Wow, this was a very weird situation” he said. “I know….and I apologize for putting you in this awkward situation” I let him know. “I couldn’t warn you because it was so spontaneous. Usually my boss wanted to do the interview but he was too tied up with business” “It’s okay” Josh smiled. “I mean, it was quite cool because I already knew the interviewer which isn’t the case when I usually do an interview so….it was cool. I really liked your questions.” Haha, what a nice compliment. Of course he liked my questions. Because I knew him. I knew which questions I could ask him and which questions he doesn’t like so….I knew how to make him feel comfortable during the whole interview – except of the weird fact that his ex had to interview him. “I hoped you would like the questions because I didn’t start talking about any bothering topic” “I truly appreciate that” he laughed. I smiled back. “Hey, um….what are your plans for tonight?” he suddenly asked me. Now I noticed my heart beating very fast. Did he want to see me again? “Um, I guess watching Netflix with Vilma” “Come to the acoustic show I will play with Eric Avery this evening in Manhattan” Josh said smiling. “Okay…..when is it?” “It starts at 8pm….will you be there?” “Yes, of course” “Great…." he smiled.

Now that was weird too. First I interviewed my ex boyfriend for work and now he invited me to his acoustic gig. Wow, sometimes your day can do a 180.

TO BE CONTINUED.....

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By the way, on my second blog I wrote something about German music. If you’re interested click here: https://order-disorder-blog.tumblr.com/post/167175254086/german-music

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#rhcp #rhcp fanfiction #josh klinghoffer #josh klinghoffer fanfiction #red hot chili peppers #red hot chili peppers fanfiction #fanfiction #dot hacker

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didiletyouknooow · 7 years

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62. Long Progression

Hey,

sorry for letting you wait so long but I had some busy weeks. BUT now I finished the new chapter and I really hope you will like it!!! Thank you for reading! I appreciate all the support and feedback from you :)

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I was sitting at my sofa eating breakfast. Meanwhile I was checking “Flightradar24” to check out which flight Josh could take to get back to LA. How stupid. I mean, he told me that he would take an earlier flight today. Why did I even care? We said we stay in touch but what does it mean? Would he call or text me? Should I call or text him? I didn’t know “Vilma, like I already told you, don’t have sex with your ex. It makes everything just even more complicated” I said while taking on my jacket.

Megan was already in the office when I arrived at work. She seemed in a good mood. “Oh hello my dear co worker” she said. “Tell me, how was your blizzard weekend?” “Well” I said and sat down at my desk. “It was quite good” “Tell me! What happened after I left the bar?” she asked curious. Since our boss took a day off because of the blizzard we could talk. “We left the bar” I started. “And when I couldn’t get a cab, Josh brought me home” “How?” Megan was confused. “Well, we took the subway and then we had to take a long walk through the blizzard” “Oh well….this sounds horrible” she laughed. “But also a bit romantic” “But it was actually quite good” “Because you two were so wet and fucked up when you arrived at your apartment that you took off your clothes immediately and ended up in bed?” “Kind of” I grinned. “What the hell” she laughed. “I knew it! I knew it when I saw him that night….the way he looked at you. It told me everything!” “Yes….you were right” “How long did he stay?” “The whole weekend” “No way!” Megan was screaming. She looked even happier than me. “And what did you do? Please tell me you just spent the whole weekend in bed” “Hm…not really. First there was a blackout in my apartment….so we stayed in the dark” “Which can be very romantic and hot, too” “Can be….so and then we kind of behaved like a couple. We watched films, we cooked, he even took a walk with my dog” “Oh this sounds definitely like a couple” Megan was surprised. “I mean, but the rest of the time you stayed in bed, didn’t you?” “Hm…not really” I denied. “Okay…this is weird. I mean, spending the whole weekend together while there is a terrible blizzard outside destroying the city….my rubber box would be empty if there is a hot guy in my bed” “Megan!” I laughed. “Sex is not everything” “It’s not but its great” she grinned and started telling me how her weekend with her new guy Dereck was like. I bet her box was empty now.

“So and what’s next? When will you see each other again?” she asked me. “I don’t know….we didn’t talk about a date or so. I mean, he’s living in LA, I’m here in New York…” ”Oh come on, he has enough money to take a flight to New York! And didn’t you tell me he bought an apartment in Manhattan?” “Yes he did. But I think he has a lot of trouble going on at home….” ”Why? I thought he is single” “He is….but he’s also a single parent now” Megan almost disgorged her coffee when I told her these words. “No way….he’s what?” “Yes, you heard it right. In a way he’s a single father now” “In a way….what does that mean?” “Well, his ex left and he has to take care of her child now” “What the fuck…his ex left him alone with her child?” “He broke up with her before, but after three months she just disappeared and wrote him a letter where she asked him to take care of her daughter” “Wow. I’ve never heard a more selfish story….so he does take care of her child?” “Yes….he and her grandma. He bought a new house in LA where he wanted to move in with his ex and her daughter but since this didn’t happen, he gave the house to the grandma and the daughter. So she’s actually living with her grandma but when her grandma has to go back to Chino for a while, Josh is taking care of the daughter” “No way….this is the saddest but also cutest story I’ve ever heard. Imagining you have to take care of your ex’s daughter….wow, I couldn’t do that” “Well, he does….he’s a nice guy” “I know….I think he’s one of the nicest guys on earth” “Could be….” ”But he can be dirty too I hope” Megan laughed. “So are you calling him?” “I don’t know….” ”Eileen, do it! You want to see him again, don’t you?” I nodded. “See, then you have to take matters in your own hand. I mean, you’ve nothing to lose, right?” “Maybe….I will wait a few days and if he doesn’t call, I will call him” I told her. “Great!” Megan smiled.

The whole day I was checking this stupid app just to make sure that all flights from NYC to LA landed safety. How stupid was I? Why was I so afraid that something could happen to him? Oh well, I hoped it were only the hormones….

Later that day I was having a few drinks with Lara in a bar in Brooklyn. It was her last day in NYC. She would fly back to Berlin with the boys tomorrow. This also meant that Sebastian would leave the city either. Maybe I could get away without talking to him again. I felt so ashamed especially after this weekend with Josh.

“So….how was your weekend?” Lara asked me. “It was….goood” “Goood?” With three “O”? “Maybe” I grinned. It was an insider between Lara and me. Every time we said that something was very good we spelled it with three O. “Why?” she wanted to know. “Because….” I started but then I wasn’t sure if I should really tell her about the last days with Josh. I knew that she was always on Sebastian’s side so….maybe she would get mad? Anyway, she was still my best friend so why should I lie to her. So I told her.

“I can’t believe you did that” Lara said after a few minutes of silence between us. Okay, I knew it would be awkward and that she wouldn’t react very happy but I didn’t expect her to be so mad. “You’re not better than him” Lara said. “You’re not better than your ex who slept with so many girls that I bet he can barely count them” “What? Lara….are you joking?” “No I’m not. I’m just being sarcastic because that’s the only way to handle this information” “What the fuck are you talking about?” “Eileen, honestly….first you sleep with Sebastian just because you’re drunk and he’s in town. And one week later you hook up with Josh again? Two exes in one week? That’s a proud achievement” “Why are you like that?” I asked her and wanted to proceed but she interrupted me. “The question is, why are YOU like that? When did you become so slutty?” “WHAT? Are you calling me a slut?” “Well, maybe….” she said without any emotions in her voice. “Wow, I can’t believe it. My best friend who is a feminist calls me slut just because I slept with my ex boyfriends? Don’t you remember when you had this phase and slept with your exes all the time?” “Yeah but I was quite younger” “So what? Just because I’m 35 I’m not allowed to have fun anymore?” “Eileen, this is not about fun….this is about emotions and feelings. Do you think it was just fun for Sebastian? It wasn’t. But since you didn’t talk to him after it happened, you couldn’t know it. So I advise you to talk to him before he will leave the city tomorrow” Our voices got louder and louder while we were having this discussion. Not only the waiter, even the guests were looking at us.

“Sebastian and I are just friends. We already talked about it during our road trip” “Oh really? That’s weird because when I talked to him last week he was so happy and told me that he still has hope that you two are getting back together. No matter if you’re living in New York and he’s living in Berlin. He was sure you’ll figure it out” “But….I told him that we’re just friends” “When? After the night you spent together? No….because you left in the morning without saying anything” “Because I had to go to work” “But you never called him or picked up his calls or even answered his texts. I don’t have to tell you that he is very disappointed by you” It hurt me to hear my best friend talking like that. But maybe she was right. Maybe I did a huge mistake with not talking to Sebastian after our night. “Honestly Eileen, this is so stupid. I’ve never seen someone doing such a stupid and immature thing in a long time. And I’m living in Berlin” “I know….I know it wasn’t right to ignore him” “Oh it wasn’t!” “I will talk to him….” ”Do it….” She said. “But what I don’t understand is….why did you hook up with Josh again? Why he?” “It just happened….” “I thought this chapter would be over” “I thought so too but….sometimes you can’t control you’re feelings, you know” “Oh yeah blablabla….and where is Josh now?” “Back in LA”

Lara started laughing out loud. Again the waiter and guests looked at us. “Seriously Eileen, this is the dumbest story I’ve ever heard. First he scored with his ex and then he left for LA because it’s much warmer there and the girls are hotter” “What are you talking about? You know that Josh isn’t like that. He was here for making music and played a concert with the Dots and he had to go home because he had to fix some things….” “Oh yeah? Do I know? Do you know? Can you prove it?” she asked me and took her phone. “Look….do you still think that Josh had to fix some things?” I was looking at her phone. It showed Josh and his ex Chloe on the streets of Manhattan. “Do you still think that he was just here for work? And do you still think he had to fly back home to fix something? Maybe he had to fly back home to make another girl happy” “Why are you telling me all this? Why are you showing me these stupid pictures of the tabloids? I bet they were only published because Chloe called the press” “Eileen, how stupid are you? You were the one who once told me that Josh had a lot of girls after your break up. Okay, then he found this girl Helen and seemed happy. But now that she left him, he seems to have fun again.” “You don’t even know what really happened between Helen and him” “And I don’t care. Because I don’t want to care about this guy anymore and so should you. Stop caring. You’re just one of his flings he had. From girlfriend to affair. Wow, great improvement. Not” “You don’t even know Josh that well and you don’t even know why he was pictured with Chloe! Maybe he only met her accidentally on the streets” “Yes of course” Lara laughed sarcastically. “Do you really think it was accidentally and the press wasn’t informed because Chloe didn’t call them before meeting him? Eileen, stop being so stupid when it comes to this guy. He might be a nice guy on the outside but deep down he’s an asshole like all the rock starts out there” “Oh yeah and what about Felix? He’s a rock star too. Why are you so sure that he’s faithful to you? He could hook up with a lot of fans on tour and you wouldn’t even know it!” I suddenly said. “I dare you to talk to me like that again” Lara screamed and suddenly left the bar.

Wow. I never thought I would experience a situation like that. I never thought I would have a fight like that with my best friend. I told her to stop leaving but she didn’t.

There I was. All by myself in a crowded bar with all eyes on me now. Oh hello, I’m the creepy girl whose friend just left her at the bar alone because of a fight. You can now stop caring. It’s nothing special. Just two girls fighting in New York. When the waiter came and asked if everything was okay and if I wanted to have another drink I denied and paid the bill so I could also leave the bar.

Back home I sat down on my sofa. Vilma joined me. I guess she noticed that I was sad. Suddenly I started crying. I cried so long. Why was everything so heavy? Why was growing up so heavy? Why was dating so complicated? Of course I didn’t want to hurt Sebastian but I didn’t know that he was still hoping for a happy end. I mean, I was living in New York and he would go back to Berlin. How should we do this? However. Before I went to bed I promised myself to call Sebastian tomorrow so we could have a talk.

And he answered.

We met in their airbnb. The others were out for lunch so we were on our own.

“Thanks for responding” I said. “Sure” “Look, I don’t want to beat around the bush….” I sighed. “Talk” Sebastian said. “I’m sorry that I didn’t answer but….I thought it was clear that it was just fun. It happened. We were both drunk and that’s it. I don’t see any future for us” I saw that Sebastian was a bit shocked when I told him the ugly truth. “Okay…” “You’re a great man, you were a great boyfriend and I truly loved you. But ,y feelings just went away....I realized that I don’t love you anymore….I moved to New York to start all over again” “And that’s why you hooked up with your exes?” he suddenly asked. What? “How do you know?” Sebastian looked at me. “Did Lara tell you?” He nodded. “Oh I can’t believe it….” I was really disappointed by my friend. “I asked her how your meeting was like and then she told me why you two had a big discussion” “Well, it wasn’t only because of that” I told him. “She said some very ugly words about Josh” “Eileen. Please. I don’t want to talk about Josh. I don’t want to hear his name again. I finally know that you’re not in love with me anymore. But I am. I still love you and I think we could have figured it out….who cares if there’s an ocean between Europe and America? I don’t. But….now that I heard your words….I get it. You’re still in love with Josh and I will accept it” “Well, I’m not in love with him” “Whatever….he was always on your mind” “He wasn’t always on my mind” “But at least after we met him in New York last February” Sebastian said. It shocked me to hear that even my ex noticed it. “Maybe….maybe you’re right” “I know that he isn’t the reason why you broke up with me but he is part of the reason” “Maybe….” ”And now that I know that you and him met again and spent the whole weekend together….I think now I should finally realize that he was still your number one” “I don’t have a number one” “Believe me Eileen, you have” Sebastian said and he even smiled for a short moment. “Whatever….I don’t want to fight anymore. I’ll have to leave in a few minutes” “I wish we could still stay friends” I suddenly said and noticed tears in my eyes. I didn’t want to cry but I couldn’t stop it. It just happened. The whole situation made me so sad and confused. “We can….but I need time….I will call you, okay?” “Hm…okay” “I mean, there is at least a lot of space between us when I’m back in Berlin” he joked. That’s why I fell in love with this man, I suddenly thought. He was so funny and smart. “So….I think this is goodbye” Sebastian said and hugged me. We squeezed for a few minutes until the others came back to grab their bags to get to the airport. Thankfully Lara wasn’t with them. Felix and Lara already were at the airport I was told. “Goodbye and please, greet Berlin from me” “I will do that” Sebastian smiled. “Thank you” I said. “For what?” “For just being who you are. These three years we shared together were the best three years of my life” Sebastian smiled and kissed my bow before taking his bags. I went downstairs with the group until they got into the cab. “Good luck in New York” Sebastian said and got into the car. “Have a good flight!” I said and waved them.

Back home I was checking Flightradar24 every few minutes just to see that their plane was still in the air.

It was Friday night and I was all by myself (okay Vilma was with me) in my apartment watching romantic comedies and drinking wine. Actually I loved Friday nights like this but today it felt terrible. The week was a nightmare both at work and in my personal life. After this wonderful weekend with Josh everything just fell to pieces. He didn’t call, I didn’t know if I should call him, I had a big fight with my best friend because of my other ex with whom I finally broke up again – although we weren’t really dating at all. Seriously, I could be my own main character in my own romantic comedy nightmare!

But instead I was just lying on my couch watching “Pretty Woman” for the twentieth time or so. Seriously, Julia Roberts was such a hot woman….well she still is! And Richard Gere….mhm, hot too. Maybe I should do the same. Dating a rich guy, falling in love and….oh. Speaking of this. Josh wasn’t that poor, right? I mean, I never really cared about how much money he had. He is still acting like a normal dude. Okay, maybe he sometimes buys quite expensive shoes or jackets but he only does it once or twice a year. He spends most of his money into music instruments. That’s where all the money is going. Nothing more. Sure, we lived a good life, even if I wouldn’t have had a job we wouldn’t have been poor. Sometimes he invited me to a restaurant or paid our whole vacation trip but that’s it.

I never was interesting in dating rich men. I was taught that money isn’t everything and I will teach my children the same. Because it’s the truth. What is all your money worth if you don’t have a family or friends or if you’re sick? Nothing.

When Julia Roberts and Richard Gere finally got together at the end of the movie, I turned off the TV. I was looking at Vilma. She was lying on top of me, totally asleep. I thought about the fact that Vilma would never really fall in love because she would only live with me and not with other dogs – except if I would buy another dog – how sad was that? She would never experience love and even if she will meet a dog that she likes some day, she couldn’t live with him because I am the person who makes the decisions for her life. How sad was that? Okay, on the other hand she didn’t have to do anything. She didn’t have to go to work, pay the bills, she only had to eat and take some walks with her mistress.

I thought about the past week while Vilma was still sleeping. This week was the worst week of my life. Directly after one of the best weekends of my life. After this discussion with Lara and my talk with Sebastian I had some rough days at work. My boss finally convinced me to publish the article. But not now. He wanted to change some things and wrote a side story to it so he could publish it in January. I still didn’t know what everyone was seeing in this text. It was just a text.

Suddenly Vilma was awake and I decided to go to bed. Because I felt so alone I let her sleep next to me – which I never allowed her to do but tonight I needed someone by my side. But before that I checked my emails again – why did I even do that at 2am? When I opened my email account I couldn’t believe it. There it was. There was the email I was waiting for in the last months. The email was from the UCLA. Although I only worked there a couple of months before going to Berlin for three years I was still their PhD student. But after submitting my dissertation in Berlin I didn’t hear from them in a long time. I even defended my dissertation back in Berlin but….the UCLA let me know that there was a problem and they had to check if my PhD would be accepted here in the USA since I did it in Germany. I know, badly bureaucratic shit. I didn’t talk to anyone about it because I didn’t want to. I was so done with it when I handed this paper in. I just didn’t want to talk about college, university, degrees, classes and books anymore. I hated everything about it and during my journey I realized that teaching and working at university wasn’t what I wanted to do for a living. I wanted to write. I figured it out while writing for my travel blog. So I didn’t care about my PhD anymore. Stupid, hm? I even moved to Berlin to do my PhD and now I didn’t even care about the result. But then, after nine months I finally got a fucking email at 2am in the morning that told me

“Congratulations on your PhD Ms. Puritz! We finally checked everything and it is fully accepted in the United States, so you are permitted to teach at university.”

Wow. Almost three years of hard work and in the end you only get a fucking email in the middle of the night that is informing you about your grade. Thank you very much. Now I was finally done with school in my life. But I think at the age of 35 it was totally okay. Wow, I was so sarcastic tonight.

“Vilma, can you believe that your mommy can call herself a “doctor” now? I mean, not a real doctor. I don’t know anything about medicine but….I’m a doctor of philosophy. Hello, may I introduce myself. Eileen Puritz, Doctor of Philosophy” I laughed and shook Vilmas paw. She didn’t seem very impressed.

On a scale from 0 to 10, how lonely and desperate was I?

The next day was a typical Saturday. I did some grocery shopping, did a long walk with Vilma, made some thai curry and finally convinced myself to call Josh. Although I was afraid I did it. But he didn’t pick up the phone. I tried it again after a few minutes but he wasn’t available. So I gave up. Maybe he didn’t want to talk to me. Or did he have a new number? I bet he would have told me if he would have a new number, right? I mean, he was the one who said “We’ll call each other”….

Later I invited Megan to have a few drinks until we would hit the party scene of New York City tonight. I was never really into partying but the funny thing was: since I moved to New York I was out in a club more often than I ever was in Berlin. “Wow, classic wine. Is there any reason you bought such an expensive wine?” Megan asked me while we were glamming up. “Um well, I just like the wine” I told her. “Come one Eileen, I already know you….there must be a reasons. Did you call Josh?” “Yes but he didn’t answer my calls” “Oh you really? Whatever, you should try it again. You have to do it!” “I know….I will do it” “You better do it!” “I will…but first” I said and opened the bottle of wine. “We have to celebrate” “Celebrate what?” Megan asked me. “Well, I have something to celebrate” “I knew it….tell me!” “I’m a doctor” I finally said. “What…how? I mean, what does it mean, you’re a doctor. Did you study medicine?” she joked. “No” I laughed. “But I did study history and in the last years I did my PhD and just yesterday I got the email that it will be accepted here in the US” “Wait…you did your PhD in Berlin?” I nodded. “And now you’re working for an online magazine in NYC?” “Yes” “Seriously Eileen? You could do so much better!” she said. “You could be a teacher or researcher. You could get paid much better! Does our boss know?” “Well he saw my CV so yes he kind of knows but….the truth is, I don’t like teaching. I did it for several years but I’m done with it. And I’m done with researching. Seriously, writing this fucking dissertation was a nightmare. I hated myself, I yelled at everyone, I was pissed of, I became a monster” “Sounds like me having my period” Megan joked. “Imaging having your period for three years” “Urgh, I don’t want that!” “See….and I felt that every day. But I never told anyone” “But Eileen, you moved to Berlin to do it so….you must have wanted it” “I did….when I started I was so motivated and it was fun. I really liked it. I also liked teaching at this university in Berlin but….the last year was horrible. It was so stressful. And you always have to make small talk. Like, everyday. You always have to make sure you don’t tell any stupid joke or dress weird or whatever if you’re meeting other researchers. I was so done with it. I don’t want to go to conferences, meetings and sessions anymore. I don’t want to argument in a panel discussion. I’m just done with it. I want to write, you know. That’s why I looked for a job as a writer and journalist.” “Wait…but you didn’t get a job in LA?” “No….” ”Maybe it was because of your PhD? You were overqualified”

I sighed. Something I never really wanted to speak out loud. “I once thought about this but I never really said it to myself but yes….I think many magazines or newspapers and editors in LA thought ‘Oh my gosh, she has a PhD. That’s too much for us. We don’t hire her’. So I didn’t find a job in LA but suddenly I got this opportunity in New York and I took it.

“Wow, you wrote a whole dissertation and I only wrote a bachelor thesis with 30 pages.” Megan laughed. “Anyway….I don’t care anymore. I don’t regret these past years in Berlin. It was a great time, I met one of the two loves of my life but….now I want to do something for a living I really like” “Yeah, sounds great. So….wow, I still can’t believe it. Congratulations on both….on your PhD and also on your decision. It’s very brave. I think not everyone would do it that way” she said and I felt a bit emotional. “So, let’s have some wine!” I said. “To all the great and bad days I had during the past three years. Cheers to myself and to us and to this wonderful city….New York City! Cheers!” I said and we clinked.

After an hour of drinking wine and talking about our lives Megan looked at her phone. “Wow, we should leave now if we really want to go to a club tonight” “Oh….do we have to go?” I asked her. “Well, no one says we HAVE to go” Megan laughed. “It’s so comfy on my couch and I don’t know if I really want to leave now” “Neither do I” Megan agreed. So we stayed in my apartment drinking wine. “So look at us….one ex model and one PhD graduate living in New York and writing for a boring online magazine” “You think it’s boring?” I was surprised. “Kind of…I mean, it’s quite cool yes, but I think we could do more. We can interact with our readers, you know. But we prefer another “6 things you have to do in Brooklyn” lists because of clickbaiting” “Hm, you’re right. Carl is totally into clickbating. I mean, that’s why he wants to publish my story” “But it’s a wonderful text Eileen” “Maybe….” she said. “I never wrote anything like that” “Thanks” I took another sip of wine. “You know, sometimes I have the feeling I have to start my own blog to write about all the great things in life I want to write about” “Yeah, me too. About love, experiences, failure, family, education, music, culture….everything. But Instead we have to write what Carl wants us to write” “Carl the big boss” I chuckled. “He doesn’t even know what our readers really like….I mean most of our readers are in their twenties and thirties….Carl is in his fifties and just because he’s banging a 25 year old model doesn’t mean he knows what people at their age like” Megan suddenly spoke louder. “Maybe he knows what she likes in bed….” I laughed. “You know what?” Megan suddenly asked me. “What?” “We should start our own blog! We should write about all the things that matters to us in life. We are in our thirties. We know what people our age want to read and what they care about…we are the perfect writers!”

Wow. I liked her idea. I mean it sounded a bit crazy but….why not? “I mean, professionally.” She said and stood up. “Look, we both know a lot about writing, editorials, SEO, HTML, Photoshop, social media….we are professionals. We can do that!” “We definitely can….at least we can try it” “No….Eileen….we’re not only trying it, we’re doing it!” she said and took my laptop.

After a few minutes she showed me a program to design websites. Since Megan also worked for our social media and graphic design section in the office she knew a lot about it. “How should we name our blog?” “Well…” “We’ll find a name….so any ideas? Let’s just collect ideas for texts” “It depends what the blog should be about?” “Everything that matters to you….maybe that’s our name?” “Maybe” “However….we should write about serious and funny topics. Just like Hellogiggles….do you know Hellogiggles?” “I’ve heard of it” I said. “It’s a website that started as blog and it was co-founded by Zooey Deschanel” “Oh right, I’ve heard about it. And now a company invested in it, right?” “Yep….so….what do you think?” “You mean we write about lifestyle, about culture, serious topics” “Topics about life…especially about women. Let’s focus on women” “Sounds great” “It does!” Megan was happy. “I have the feeling that this could be the next big thing” “Well, we’re not the only one who start a blog” I laughed. “No but….we know the right people. You know what I mean? I have so many contacts….if we go online web can get bigger and bigger after a while. I know how to do it” “Sounds like a plan” I agreed.

Three hours later we have already collected many ideas – and drank the second bottle of wine. “Wow. What a productive night. Much better than going into a club” I laughed. “It is!” Megan agreed. “This could be great. No….it will be great!” I was sure.

________________

Downtown, Los Angeles….

“Wow Josh, I can’t believe we’re meeting Lady Gaga!!!!” Emma said. You could tell she was VERY excited. We were at the Staples Center where Lady Gaga played a sold out show tonight. Like I promised last week I accompanied Emma and her friend to the concert. And I even could arrange a meeting with Lady Gaga. “Josh….where do we meet her?” “Well, let’s just wait here okay? She’ll come. I spoke to her manager” I told the girls. We were already at the backstage room of the Staples Center. Lady Gaga’s manager told me she would show up in a few minutes. Funny thing was that I knew someone who was working for her and who arranged this meeting. It only took me two phone calls and everything was done. “Oh my god, there she is!” Emma suddenly screamed.

Lady Gaga walked towards us and greeted the girls in her lovely and nice attitude she has. After that we shook hands. “Oh, you’re from the Chili Peppers, right? I’m a huge fan” she laughed. “Thanks….” But now Emma and her friend Laura started talking to her. Lady Gaga looked at them and answered their questions. They talked about the concert, the new record and Emma could even ask a question about Gaga’s tattoos. I have to admit that she was a very nice and likeable person. Later I took a selfie of the girls and her and Gaga even wanted a selfie with all of us. “Are these your girls?” she asked me. “Noooo” I laughed. “I’m just….I’m taking care of them tonight” “Oh okay….you’re the rock star friend who took them out to a concert” she laughed. “Kind of” After ten minutes she had to say goodbye. She hugged the girls and left the room.

“Woooooow….this was huuuuuge….unbelievable” Emma went wild. “I met Lady Gaga….I really met her!” she said to Laura. “I can’t believe her!” her friend agreed. While the girls were still totally overwhelmed I looked at my phone. No call from Eileen. No text message. Nothing. Maybe I should call her? I would do it when I’m home, I thought. “Girls, we should leave now” I told them. “Noooo, we want to stay. Can we have a coke?” Emma asked. “Well, it’s already 11.20pm…you should go to bed. You have to go to school tomorrow” “I don’t care about school” The girls said simultaneously. “Okay….only one coke okay?”

“Josh?” Emma asked when she was lying in her bed. “Hm?” “Thank you so much for tonight….It was a night I will never forget. I met Lady Gaga and only you could make it happen. Honestly, I’m so happy to have you in my life” she suddenly said. Wow, I was a bit overwhelmed by her words and didn’t know what to say. “Well, you don’t have to thank me. It’s a natural thing that I’m taking care of you since….well, you know” “Since mommy left us, yeah.” It still hurt me to hear these words coming from Emma’s mouth. “It hurts whenever I think about it but….I’m so glad you’re here….and grandma of course” “And you’re grandma is wonderful. Without her help I wouldn’t have known what to do back in June….” ”I know….she likes you a lot. I think she never liked any boyfriend my mom had. But she really loves you and so do I” “Thanks” I chuckled. Emma’s words made me blush. “You are the coolest stepdad I ever had” she suddenly joked. “Really?” “Yes!” “Well, but I’m not really your dad” “But I see you as a step dad. I know you’re not my dad but since my real dad doesn’t give a shit about me, you’re like a dad to me” “Your words are so sweet….but you should sleep now. It’s midnight” “I know….” She said. “Can you send me the last picture you took with your phone?” “You mean the group selfie?” “Yes” “Okay, wait a minute” I said and looked for my phone in my pocket. But there was no phone. “It’s not here so….I’ll take a look at my jacket” I told her and left the room. But after checking out my jacket there wasn’t any phone either. I even went outside to look if I left it in my car. But still no phone. “Fuck” I said when I came back into the house. “What’s wrong?” Emma asked. She was in the kitchen because she was obviously thirsty. “I think I lost my phone” “THE ONE WITH THE SELFIE?????” Emma was shocked. “Yes….” “Oh no Josh, how could you do that? Now I only have the blurry selfie Laura took” “Sorry….it must have fallen out of my pocket” “Josh….oh nooooo” now Emma’s mood changed. “Sorry Emma….but look” I said and hugged her. “No matter how many pictures or selfies you take….you’ll always keep the real memories as pictures in your heart” “Hopefully” “Believe me….you do” “Do you?” “What do yo mean?” “Do you still have the best moments in your life kept in your heart?” I thought about it for a while and suddenly smiled. “Yes, I have” “Is there a memory of my mommy too?” “Of course there is, Emma” I said. It wasn’t a lie. I was still thinking of Helen sometimes but mostly because I still couldn’t understand that she left her family. But right now Eileen was the one who was on my mind every morning and every night before going to bed. This night we had affected everything in me. I think I was a happier person since then. I hope she was feeling the same. I should definitely call her tomor….oh fuck. Now that I lost my phone I even lost the numbers. And I didn’t want to ask Eric or even Molly. I didn’t want them to know! “I hope so” Emma brought me back to reality. “Have a good night and sweet dreams Emma. I will drive you to school tomorrow” “Really? So I can sleep a little bit longer” she grinned. “Yes you can” I laughed and turned off the lights before leaving her room.

I sat down in my living room and listened to music. Of course it wasn’t loud because I didn’t want to wake up Emma. She was so sweet. Tonight was such a great night. I think we never really were at a concert together. The only time when she was at a concert was when she and her mother joined me on tour. But now that this wouldn’t happen again and I was in some ways her step dad our lives would never be the same. It was still strange for me to be a step dad for a child I only knew for two years. But Emma was great. She just turned eleven and she was so smart. Sometimes she taught me a lot!

I didn’t tell her what I was doing in New York. I only told her about the concert and that I met a music friend to jam. But that’s it. I didn’t mention Eileen. I still didn’t know how she would react. Even if she was the one who told me to see Eileen again when we were talking about her a few months ago. But I still didn’t want her to think that I didn’t love her mother or that I even forgot her. Yes, in a way I tried to forget Helen because she hurt me. I knew we weren’t in a relationship anymore but we were still living together when she left out of a sudden. She shocked not only Emma but also me and she changed our lives forever. One year ago I felt okay with living together with Emma and her mother but now I had to take care of her daughter. Emma’s grandma was in Chino for a few week so Emma was staying in my house. I brought her to school, picked her up, I cooked for us, I helped her with her homework and later that day I showed her some new riffs on guitar. Emma was now learning to play the drums and guitar. I was very proud of her.

Maybe I was so relaxed because of the weekend I spent together with Eileen. It was wonderful. I was still thinking about it. Spending time with her was the best thing I did in a while. She cheered me up, she let me laugh again. She was just her. And I loved her dog. Vilma. She was so cute. I think Vilma and Bowie would be a great dog couple. I chuckled. I often chuckled when I thought about Eileen. I should definitely write her. But now that I lost my phone….maybe I should write her on Facebook? But how stupid would that be?

But even if I would buy a new phone – which I probably would do tomorrow – I didn’t have her number and to be honest, I didn’t have the guts to ask Eric or even Molly. I didn’t know if Eileen told her friend about our weekend and….well Eric had enough stress because of his father who had a complicated surgery last week. I didn’t want to bother him because of my stupid women problems.But I would figure it out.... Emma and I got along very well together in the next week. I really liked spending time with her. Although she wasn’t my own daughter I kind of started caring about her like she would be my own daughter – if that is even possible. At the weekend we went on a hike in the hills and later we visited the Universal Studios. Although wasn’t into the whole Hollywood thing, I did it because Emma liked it so much. We also visited the Walk of Fame and later enjoyed ice cream at Venice Beach. When the week started and Emma had to go back to school I went into my music room to write new songs. I needed this time for myself. Just me, my guitars and my mind. I had so many things on my mind right now that I had the feeling that I had to write songs about it. No matter if positive or negative songs.

It was the last week before the Holidays and the Dots were rehearsing for the last time until we would take a little break over Christmas. Wow, finally it was Christmas again. How time can fly…

“So, then we’ll see again next week. Let us jam a little bit at boxing day an maybe the next day” Jonathan told us. Since almost all of the guys had their own family they didn’t have much time to meet for a creative music session at Christmas Eve like we used to do a few years ago on a regular basis. Now that almost every one was a father and had a family they had to change the order of priorities. I was the only one who always tried to find time for a short jam session. Even when I was still with Helen and we kind of lived together like a real family and did some family activities at the weekend, I always found time to make music. But the other guys didn’t. Maybe it was because their children were still very young and little so they didn’t want to miss anything about them growing up. Since I wasn’t Emma’s real dad and she was almost a teenager I acted differently. But whatever. I answered Jonathan and the guys with a “Yeah, sure I always have time for music!” and waved the guys goodbye as I was walking to my car. When I arrived at my car I saw a woman sitting at the stairs in front of a building. It was just next to my car so I couldn’t look away. She looked as if she was huddling. She didn’t look well. But I couldn’t see her face. “Mam, is everything okay?” I asked her. But when she looked at me I saw who it was. A familiar face. Again. “Chloe?” “Hey Josh…” she said. “Um, aren’t you feeling well?” I asked. I mean, although I was still mad at her because of her weird behavior that day in New York a few weeks ago, I’m not a bad person and if someone looks ill I try to help. “Yeah, I’m just feeling a little bit….sick. I have some stomach issues but….it will be okay I think. It’s just a side affect of the pregnancy” “Hm, do you want something to drink?” I said and offered her my bottle of water. “No thanks” “Should I drive you to a doctor?” “Well, I think it’s okay” “Are you alone here?” “Yes…I just visited a friend” I looked around. It was an industrial area so I was wondering where her friend could have lived but I didn’t know the whole district so maybe…who knows. “I will call a cab and see a doctor” she told me while getting up from the stairs. But suddenly she was faltering so I put my arm around her to help her. She answered my help with a smile. “Thank you Josh” “No problem” I said. “What are you doing here in LA? I thought you’re living in New York now” I asked her. “Well, I’m just visiting my family” “Okay” “And your boyfriend?” “He’s….well, not here obviously” she laughed. I didn’t ask further questions but it made me wonder what she was doing here at the evening in this fucked up area of El Sereno. She would never go to El Sereno if there wouldn’t be a reason. And I couldn’t imagine that she had a friend who was living here, but what did I know?

“Don’t you think you should see a doctor? You’re not looking good” I said. “Well, maybe you’re right. I will call a cab” “No you don’t have to. I can drive you to your doctor” I sighed and we got into my car. We didn’t talk much during the whole drive and thirty minutes later we arrived at Chloe’s doctor. “Thanks Josh….” she said smiling. “You’re welcome” I answered and hoped she would leave my car immediately. It was still a weird feeling. “And sorry for my misbehavior that day in New York…I didn’t want to pitch a fit. I just…I just had a bad day, you know” “It’s okay….now, get well soon” “I will, thank you. Bye” she said while closing the door. I watched her entering the medical office. She looked very fucked up. Maybe she was telling the truth and she really visited a friend in El Sereno. Whatever….

The next day I was meeting with Mike, a good friend of mine. He was working for the Chilis management since last year but I knew him for years and I was very glad that he got the job. It was the first time that I had the feeling I could trust a person who was working for our band. Of course, all the other people who were working for us were great and I got along with them very well but Mike was also a good friend for me so it was easy to talk with him about business because I could totally trust him. “Maaaaan, how long didn’t we see each other, hm?” He welcomed me when we were walking to the entrance of the Staples Center for a Lakers game. “I don’t know. Too long ago” I agreed with him. It was already very crowded so we only got us something to drink and then went to our seats. I got us seats in the front rows. Not in the very front row but it was at least the third row. Before the game started we were talking about our lives and about the last tour leg in South America and Australia next year. Mike was such a great guy. He was mostly in charge for our PR work. He was responsible for our image in the public. Honestly, I wasn’t very interested in PR work because I didn’t like media that much but Mike did a great job. He only booked the interesting interviews for us and was always keeping an eye on all the stuff that was written about us on the internet – no matter if in the media or by the fans or by people who pretended to know us. And yes, the latter happened sometimes, no matter if it were so called “friends” of us or just people we met randomly.

During one of the breaks Mike was checking his phone. Suddenly he started laughing but the next moment he looked quite shocked. “What happened?” I asked. “Maaaaaan, what is going on in your private life?” “What do you mean? I already told you, Emma was living with me in the last week and” I started telling him but he interrupted. “No I mean, what is going on….I mean, after splitting from Helen, did you meet new girls?” “Um, just randomly….one girl and then Eileen…I told you” “Yes you told me about your weekend with her that’s why I’m quite shocked seeing you with this Chloe chick on the streets” “WHAT???” I got louder. “Look what TMZ just posted” Mike said and showed me the article. It was posted two hours ago. There were several paparazzi pictures of us taken at the streets in El Sereno yesterday. It was obvious that it didn’t happen by accident. I mean, no paparazzi ever drives to El Sereno to take pictures! “What the fuck? Chloe must have called the paparazzis before. But I thought she wasn’t feeling well that’s why I even helped her! I drove her to her doctor!” I told Mike. “Well, looks like she just lied to you to get these pictures of you two” “I can’t believe it” I said and got up from the stairs to go outside. Mike followed me. “I can’t believe she did it again. She did it when we were still dating but that’s seven fucking years ago, you know….” I couldn’t keep quiet. I was almost getting out of control. “She’s an attention whore, you know it” “I know but….I didn’t think she would do that again after our encounter in New York” “Oh she must’ve called the paparazzis in New York as well because there are some more photos of you two at the streets of Manhattan” “I can’t believe it….wow, I’m just speechless” I said. “You know, I even wondered what she was doing in El Sereno and since when she has friends there when her whole family is living in Santa Monica and she owns a house in the Hollywood Hills and is good friends with the whole Hollywood Society….it was strange but I didn’t questioned it because I wanted to help her, you know. She’s a pregnant woman, she looked like she needed help and I’m not an asshole, you know?” “I know buddy but seems like this chick played with you. The article says that her boyfriend broke up with her because he found out that he’s not the father of the unborn baby” “WHAAAAT?” I even started to laugh but at the same time it was very sad. For Chloe and for me who didn’t see it coming. I wanted to read the article so I took Mike’s phone to read it.

Who’s your daddy???

Chloe van den Brook (29) is not only a successful actress and the most famous star from the cast of “The Perks of being a Californian” but also collaborated with some well known Hollywood directors and will be part of a new romantic comedy alongside Jennifer Anniston and Kate Hudson. But while her career seems to go into the right direction, her private life seems to be a little bit complicated.

In an interview from August she revealed her relationship with the investment banker Matthew Carlsson (35) with whom she was linked since December last year. The couple bought a penthouse in Manhattan and even got engaged and a baby was on their way. But while the baby is still on the way it seems that Carlsson is no longer the father of the unborn baby. But what happened?

A secret source now revealed that Mathew Carlsson found out that his fiancé cheated on him and told him in a fight that he’s not the father. But who is the father? Maybe her ex?

Yesterday Chloe was seen together with her ex boyfriend Josh Klinghoffer (41), guitarist of the Red Hot Chili Peppers. The couple dated for a few months back in 2014 but called it quits in January 2015. It’s not a secret that Chloe was obviously very in love with the musician since she was talking about him in many interviews at that time.. But the couple wasn’t seen again after their break up – until now!

A few weeks ago they were first caught by paparazzis while talking in front of a boutique in Manhattan. Yesterday the two were seen together in El Sereno, the place where Josh Klinghoffer lives. They were even walking along arm in arm to his car. So maybe Chloe van den Brook went back to her ex and makes him the father of her child? Until now she didn’t commented on the rumours but the pictures speak for themselves.

“Wow, I’m just speechless” was all I could say after reading the article twice. “She’s not only a liar, she’s also a totally stupid attention whore” Mike commented on the article. “Well, she knows how it works….she has to remain interesting for the media and she doesn’t care about anything or anyone else. I mean, look at it. It’s also negative press for her because they’re writing that she cheated on her boyfriend….but she must’ve agreed with the press on this story she now created in her mind about me. She uses all available funds” I told Mike. “And she’s quite successful with it. People are talking about her” “You know, I really thought she was feeling bad so I helped her. This picture that shows us arm in arm….I just covered her neck because I wanted to guide her to my car. That’s it. But they portray it as if we would have walked arm in arm on the streets” “Well, you did….at least it looks like that” Mike laughed. “It’s not funny….I’m not the father of her child. I didn’t even see her in the past months” “So….what should we do now?” Mike asked me. “Can you please force them to write a counter statement. I do not date her, I’m not the father of her unborn child and I didn’t even see her in person until this encounter in New York.” “I will do it. Just wrote an email to our lawyer” “Thanks Mike” I said. “Wow, I can’t believe I have to deal with such a crazy ex girlfriend. I have real problems in my life, okay? I don’t want to be part of Chloe’s stupid media show” I told Mike and suddenly left the Staples Center. I was so sick of Chloe’s behavior. She didn’t change in the last years. All she wanted was fame and now that she had it, she wasn’t satisfied. Now she wanted to be linked to someone famous, as well. I mean, she even dated Bradley Cooper for a while, why didn’t she make such a stupid fake story with him? I was so mad at her. As I got into my car I drove on the highway back to my home. Emma was at my home with her grandma because she wanted to play the drums and since she didn’t have a drum set at her grandma’s home they stayed in my house for the whole day while I was busy.

“Josh, there you are” Emma’s grandma greeted me. “I thought you’re coming home late. Didn’t you want to go to a bar after the game?” “Yes well, my plans changed….” I told her and took off my jacket. “Hm, did the Lakers loose?” Actually they won. But I only heard it on the radio on my way back home. Mike called me several times and later texted me that he already talked to our lawyer and that I shouldn’t be worried. I wasn’t worried about anything. I knew that our crew was doing great work for the band. But I was pissed off that my personal life was suddenly discussed in the public. It wasn’t only the article by TMZ. Many people were discussing the question who the father of Chloe’s baby could be on her social media accounts. How crazy was that? Suddenly I was part of a discussion I wasn’t really part of. I didn’t see Chloe for years and then I bump into her in Manhattan and she creates such a lie. I hated her. But I hated myself even more for believing her stupid stories. That was definitely a psychotic behavior what she was doing!

“They did win, right? I heard it in the news!” grandma Agneta told me. “I know, they did” “Josh, what’s wrong?” “Nothing, I just….I just had a tough day okay? I need some rest” “Of course. Go and get some rest.” She said and gave me a glass of water. “Thanks….” I said and looked at the bottle. “You need something else, don’t you?” she asked me. And then she went to my personal bar in the living room and picked the Whiskey Single Malt. “So, tell me….what’s on your mind? I can see that there is something that is bothering you, so….come on, tell me. We’re a family, aren’t we?” Suddenly I realized that she was right. In a way we were a family although we’re not related to each other and I didn’t marry her daughter. But she was right. We were the ones who were left behind. Since Helen left there were only us. “Okay” I sighed and then I told her the whole story. Like….everything about Chloe’s lies from the start to the end.

“What a disgusting behavior” Agneta said. “It is….” ”She’s just a dumb girl who wants attention” “But she used me again….I don’t even know why. She is successful and famous…she doesn’t need a musician like me who doesn’t want to be in the focus of attention” “I know but….she doesn’t do it to get famous because she is already famous. I think she wants you and when she can’t have you, she tries to creates situations so that people can think she is still dating you” “That’s bullshit. Even the tabloids know that it’s over. It’s seven years ago, Agneta” “I know….but women can get very crazy when it comes to men” “Well….I know….” I sighed. “Josh, stop thinking about this bitch. She’s not worth it” Agneta said and took another sip of her whiskey. Wow, I never heard her saying words like that. “Thanks….” I chuckled. “You’re a great man. And even when I’m still very sad that it didn’t work out with my daughter and I still can’t believe that Helen left us behind….I really hope you do find a woman who can make you happy” she told me. “Thank you….honestly, it’s not normal to hear these words coming from you. I mean, in your position….I broke up with your daughter and now you’re saying these nice and kind words to me. Honestly, I really appreciate it” “No Josh, I appreciate you! What you did in the past months….wow. I can’t find words to describe it…..I don’t know how to thank you. You were there for my grandchild. You didn’t think twice and took care of her. You gave us this beautiful home here in LA…..I never thought that I would move to LA some day” she laughed. “But it’s a great city to live in although I’m still overwhelmed by it sometimes….” Agneta looked me in the eyes. “Josh, what you’re doing for my family isn’t natural. Not every guy would do that. And believe me, I met a lot of guys because Helen dated a lot of idiots. But when she introduced me to you I knew that you’re a good guy. You would take care of her and you did. And now you take care of her child….I mean, you don’t have to, you know” “But Agneta….what would have happened to Emma if I wouldn’t have agreed to take care of her? I mean, maybe she would have moved back to Chino or so….I didn’t want that. She’s happy here in LA and I think we can do this in the future. We’ll do it” “I know, I know….we can” she laughed. “We definitely can” I agreed with her. We both took another sip of our Whiskey which was tasting great, by the way.

“So, tell me” she suddenly said. “Did you meet a new girl in New York?” “What? Why are you asking?” I was a bit shocked. How did she know? “Because you seem so happy since you’re back from New York. I saw it directly in your eyes. They were shining. So, did you?” “Um….well….to be honest….I didn’t meet a new girl” “Oh what a pity….I thought you did” “But I met someone who was once a very important person in my life and with whom I even shared a period of time in my life” “Oh really? Who is it?” she now asked curious. Well I think this was a typical women behavior. My mother and my sister just acted the same way. “Well, she’s my ex. We were dating for three years but then she broke up with me” “Do you know why?” “I do….I think I do” “And do you think there is a future?” “I don’t know….she’s living in New York and I’m here in LA….I don’t think it can work since we’re both not really into long distance relationships….” “But you two spent some time together in New York?” “We did” I told her but didn’t want to be too precisely. “Oh your smile tells me everything I need to know” she laughed. “Um, okay” I said shyly. “Josh, if you still have feelings for this woman you should go and let her know” “Well, it’s not that easy…” I said. “Who says that life is easy?” Agneta grinned. “But why are you afraid?” “I don’t know….Maybe it was just a one night stand for her. Just a fling. Nothing serious. I mean, she was the one who ended our relationship. There was a reason why she did it, right? So I’m just wondering why this weekend happened” “Oh a whole weekend?????” “Yes…” ”God, Josh, go and tell her!” “Agenta, I don’t know what to say. You should be mad at me because I broke up with your daughter but now you’re supporting me into meeting my ex girlfriend again….that’s weird” “It is weird, I know. But Josh, I already told you. You now belong to our family. Emma loves you, she won’t move back to Chino with me so….you will be always her dad she never had” “I know” I sighed. “And I want her to be happy but I also want you to be happy….and if you’re happy when you’re with this girl then go and get her” Agneta told me laughing. “Go man!” “Well, it’s not that easy” “I know, I know. You’re too much into overthinking, don’t you think? Helen once told me that you’re such a sensible guy who always thinks about certain topics a way too long” “Well I guess she was right” “She also told me about your past where you were messing around with girls….but she didn’t care. She loved you for the man you were when you two were dating and not for the man you were in the past” Wow, I didn’t know how to react to these words.

“And if this girl loves you, she will love you the way you are” “I know….I’m not proud of this chapter in my life, to be honest….I only did it to forget her, you know. I only slept with all these girls to get her out of my mind. But after two years I realized that it didn’t help. The first time I forgot her was when I met Helen.” “And that’s a very cute story. Of course I wished that you and my daughter would still be dating and maybe you two would marry some day and have a family together but….well I guess that won’t happen so….I just try to support you Josh, because I want you to be happy.” “Thank you Agneta, I really appreciate your support and your words.” I repeated myself. “And I thank you for making my granddaughter so happy!” Agneta laughed. “She doesn’t want to leave the drums” “Really? Is she still in my music room?” “Of course she is!” ”Well, then maybe we should go and watch her play” I suggested.

So we went into my music room where Emma was still playing the drums. She was very good! She learned very fast and I showed her new things every week that she was practicing over the week. “Hey Josh!” she greeted me. “Sounds great!” I complimented her. But now she already left the drums and ran to me to hug me. “Wow um Emma, what’s wrong?” I laughed. “You’re the best teacher in the world! I love the drums. I want to practice every free minute” “You can do that” “But first focus on school!” Agneta said. “Yes Granny” Emma rolled her eyes. “Are you hungry?!” I asked Emma. She nodded. “What about some pizza?” ______ By the way, you can also check out my second tumblr blog here. I write about music, traveling and any other topic that comes to my mind :) https://order-disorder-blog.tumblr.com/

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didiletyouknooow · 7 years

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61. Green Heaven

Hey,

like I promised, here is the second chapter for today!

I hope you all had a great October 3!

P.S. I tried my best to write some lyrics for the fictional “new” Dot Hacker song don’t be too rude to me for rhyming these words haha :D Hope you like it!

________

December

“I can’t believe you slept with Sebastian” Lara said while we were having a coffee in Manhattan. “I know….I can’t believe it either….it’s uff….it just happened, you know?” “Yeah, sex with an ex just happens all the time” she laughed. “I know you wouldn’t be proud of me” I said sarcastic. “Well, I would be pleased about it but only if I would’ve known that you would still love him but I have the feeling you don’t….” ”And I think you’re right. I’m totally over him. I realized it on my journey. Although we spent three weeks together nothing happened. I mean, that says everything, right?” “But now that you two got drunk it happened” Lara noted. “I know” I said and covered my face with my hands. I wanted to hide. Hide from reality. “Did you talk to him afterwards?” “No….” ”Why? It’s one week ago!” “I know but….I had to go to work the morning after it happened so I left him alone but I wrote a message for him. Later he texted me but….I don’t know what to answer” “Eileen” Lara suddenly said with a louder voice. “Do you want to tell me that you didn’t respond him since last week?” “Yes” I admitted meekly. “Shit man” she almost freaked out. “How old are you? 20?” I rolled my eyes. “Seriously Eileen, this is a stupid behaviour. Even if you don’t want to see him again because you don’t have feelings for him, you should have answered him, you know? I mean, you two had a relationship for three years, you were living together, you had a dog. You were the most gorgeous couple I knew!” ”No….you two are the most gorgeous couple!” I said hinting at Felix and her. “Whatever….for me you two were perfect. You broke up with him, okay. I still don’t understand why but okay, I accept it. It’s your life and I don’t know every struggle you two had but….you should talk to him. He obviously wants to talk to you, so you should answer him. Or do you want to be an asshole who ghosts her ex?” “No!” I said. “I’m not like that” “See, then you should definitely talk to him….” “I will call him….” I said.

Later that day on my way back home I thought about Lara’s words. She was right. I should talk to Sebastian. It was the last week he was in the city. They would fly back on Monday, so I had six days to talk to him. But I was afraid to call him. I got very nervous when I only thought about calling him. What would he say? Would he be mad at me for not answering? He texted me twice but I didn’t respond. Lara was right. It was such a bad behaviour by myself. So I bit the bullet and called him when I was home. Vilma was curious too. At least she was looking at me full of expectation. Maybe she knew that I was calling her dad?

“I will talk to daddy” I told her. “So we’ll take a walk afterwards, okay?” She looked like she could understand me. I liked my dog. But unfortunately Sebastian didn’t pick up his phone. I tried it again five minutes later but he still didn’t pick up. Okay, either he was so mad at me that he didn’t want to pick up the phone or he just didn’t have time. I mean, he was busy making music, right? “Come on let’s go” I said to my dog and we went out for a walk.

I liked Brooklyn during the Christmas time. I liked the seasons here. But I also had to admit that I missed Christmas time in LA. I missed the sun and the heat.

“Vilma, you have to come to LA with me. In a few weeks we’re going home for Christmas. What do you think? The first time in three years that I’m spending Christmas at home in LA and you will be my date! What do you think about it, hm?” I asked her. But Vilma didn’t look impressed at all. After a few minutes Vilma ran to another dog. I hated it when my dog did this. She was so fast I couldn’t really follow her. She and the other dog were just snooping and getting to know each other. It was big black dog. The man who was holding the lead was laughing.

“Sorry!” I told him. “She was so fast I couldn’t stop her” “Oh, it’s totally okay. My dog is totally cool with other dogs” he told me. “Okay” I said and leashed Vilma. “She’s cute, what’s her name?” the man asked and pointed on my dog. “Um, her name is Vilma” “Cool name. She looks like she doesn’t give a fuck” he laughed. “Yeah, that’s her every day face” I responded. “So…and now that I know the name of your dog….what’s your name?” Oh no. I already knew where this should lead. He tried to flirt with me but I didn’t want to. I had other problems right now. “Why do you want to know it?” I asked him. “Because….I don’t know” he laughed. “I just think you’re cute. Just like your dog” “Well, thanks but we have to go now….um” “Maybe you want to go out with me? Have dinner tomorrow night?” “Um, I don’t have time, sorry” “What about Friday? Or Saturday?” “Sorry” I shook my head and hauled Vilma away from his dog. “Why? I mean, we’re both young, you’re going out with your dog, I’m going out with my dog. Why not having a date?” “Because….I’m not interested” I told him. “Why?” “Because….I have a boyfriend” “Really? A woman who is walking out her dog on 10pm has a boyfriend?” “Yes” I said. “Is his name sorry-honey-but-can-you-walk-the-dog-alone-at-ten-pm?” “No, his name is Josh!” I told him and went away.

Honestly, the guy almost scared me. First he seemed nice but when he didn’t want to accept my answer I didn’t know how to react. I’ve once read that if you’re telling a guy who doesn’t want to accept a “No I’m not interested in a date because I have a boyfriend”, you should tell him a name. If he’s hearing the name of your (maybe fictional) boyfriend the guy will accept it because he can relate to a name. Whatever that means. I think this is really sad but it obviously worked. I looked around because I was afraid he would follow me home, but he didn’t.

When I came home I wondered why I said “Josh”. It was the first name that came to my mind. I didn’t think about it, it was just a reflex.

I made tea and took a look outside of my window to see if he really didn’t follow me. I shocked when I suddenly saw the guy standing on the other side of the streets. He was looking at my house. I think he couldn’t see me but he obviously followed me. Okay, now I was scared! What did he do here?

I watched him for five minutes then he went away. I tried to take a deep breathe. Okay, Eileen. Breathing, just keep breathing. Maybe he just had the same way back home. Who knows. Maybe he didn’t even follow me. Whatever. I was fucking scared now. But I tried to distract me. So I took Vilma and we sat down on my sofa to watch a film.

The next day was weird. I was still a bit scared when I left my house for the morning walk with Vilma. Of course there was no guy who was following me but it was so strange. I still wondered if he guy really followed me or if it was just a coincidence and he had to pass the street to get home. But he looked at my house. This was so scaring!

Today I only had a short office day. After lunch break I had to go to the “American Museum of Natural History” to write about the opening of a new exhibition. It was very interesting so I was looking forward to it. After the museum director did a speech and the curator of the exhibition went on the stage I took a few photos of him. Afterwards I got me something to drink and waited until the exhibition would be opened.

When this was done the journalists could ask a few questions and then the curator showed us his new exhibition. Two hours later I was totally tired. The exhibition about dinosaurs was very interesting and impressing but I was just tired. I almost couldn’t sleep last night because I still had to think about this strange guy.

I was so happy when I had all the photos I needed and all information I needed for my article. I went to the exit when I suddenly saw a silhouette that looked familiar to me.

A skinny tall guy in cozy clothes, a Yankees cap on his head, typing on his phone. He was it. He definitely was it.

I just wanted to talk to him when he suddenly turned around and looked at me. Oh well. Um, oh god. I think I just looked like a stupid teenage girl who just met her crush outside of the school.

“Eileen?” the skinny guy said with a shocked but also smiling face. “Josh” I said. “Hi” “Hey, what are you doing here?” “I’m here for work” “Work?” “Yes….” “Okay” “And what about you?” “I just wanted to visit the opening of the exhibition” “Yes, of course” I laughed. Eileen, what a STUPID question! Of course he was here to visit the opening. There wasn’t any other reason. “So....how are you?” Josh asked me. “Great, thanks. What about you?” “Me too.” He told me and went a few steps to the side because so many people passed us to get out of the museum. “So….why are you working here?” Josh wanted to know. “I’m working for an online magazine” I told him. “Oh really?” he looked surprised. I looked into his eyes. He barely changed since I saw him the last time. He barely aged. He was still the guy who was looking like 30 although he was already 41. “So, are you living here in New York?” he asked me. I nodded. “Yes, I moved to New York two months ago” “Wow” Josh said and looked a bit shocked. “So you left Berlin?” “Yes I did” “And you didn’t want to move back to LA?” “Well, let’s say, I didn’t find a job there” “Okay…” I knew that Josh always felt sorry when someone said a sentence like that because he didn’t know how it feels if you can’t find a job. “Sounds great. So where are you living in New York?” “In Brooklyn, Cranberry Street” “Oh cool. I like this district. It’s so urban….I like the cafes there” “Brooklyn is just great. I never really visited Brooklyn until I moved there. And I just fell in love with it” I told him with a smile on my face. I think you could really see it in my eyes that I loved Brooklyn. “Great” Josh smiled. It was so weird to see him again. To stand in front of him and talk to him. I don’t know what was wrong with me that I reacted this strange to his appearance but….I did. And I think I couldn’t hide it. “Why are you in New York? A concert?” “Yes” he nodded. “We’re here with the Dots. Actually we’re playing on Friday, so….if you want to come?” “Um, okay….I have to check out my calendar but I would like to come!” “Great” he smiled. I still couldn’t believe that this day that started so fucking weird would turn into a good day. “How long are you in New York?” I wanted to know. “Until Monday I guess….I’m already here for one week. I met with Avery to make some music, you know. So we met last week to jam and we even recorded some stuff” “Sounds great” I said. “I hope it will be great” he laughed. “But I’m looking forward to releasing it” I knew that Josh was very good friends with Eric Avery and they collaborated together a few times before.

“So the Chilis are on a break?” I asked. “Yep we are” Josh responded. “We need this break” he laughed. “We toured for so long. After releasing the new album last year we toured for one year with less breaks. It was a new tour schedule I suggested, but it sucked too. I think we’re just too old for touring” he joked. “Oh no, don’t say that” “Whatever, I think we should do less concerts on our next tour” he said when his phone rang. Josh took it out of his grey pants and looked at the screen. “Something serious?” I asked. “No…it’s just….it’s my realtor.” He said. “Are you looking for a new place?” “Well, I actually bought an apartment in Manhattan” WTF???? He didn’t do that! “Did you move to New York?” “Not really” Josh laughed. “It’s more of a second place….I still own my house in El Sereno” “Goooood. Honestly, I can’t imagine that you would sell this house some day” “Well, who knows” he chuckled. “Whatever, it was nice to see you again Eileen. Would be great if you would come to our show on Friday. I will put you on the guest list” he told me. “But now I really have to go, I have to call back my realtor” “Oh okay, for sure. Then goodbye” “Bye” Josh said and went away. I was looking at him how he put his phone out of his pants again and started calling. When he turned left and I couldn’t see him I felt like waking up again.

Was it real? Did I really bump into Josh at this opening here?

Back in the office I couldn’t think about any word I could write for the article. My mind was completely confused. I just met Josh who I thought was still one reason why I broke up with Sebastian. Maybe not the only reason but at least one reason of many reasons. I mean, Sebastian and my relationship just didn’t work anymore. But when I saw Josh in New York in February I couldn’t stop thinking of him afterwards. Even if it made me sad because I saw how happy he was with his girlfriend, I couldn’t stop thinking about him. I thought about him everyday after I came home to Berlin. I even thought about him while writing my PhD. I couldn’t stop doing it.

“What’s wrong with you?” Megan asked me when she saw me sitting at my desk, an empty word document in front of me. “Um nothing, I just….I have to think.” “Was the opening that interesting that you can’t find the right words to describe it or was it that boring?” “I met Josh” I suddenly said. Since we were on our own in the office it wasn’t a big deal to chat. “What????” Megan asked. “Yes, I met him” “Where?” “He was at the opening of the exhibition” “Well, THAT is really weird!” she said. “I know!” I agreed. “I mean, I came here to New York to start all over again and suddenly both of my ex boyfriends are in town! I feel like in a fucking romantic comedy!” “Absolutely. It’s so weird. I mean, there are eight million people living in New York City…” ”And I have to meet my ex boyfriends” “Okay, to be fair, you met Sebastian on purpose” Megan noted. “Yes I did” I sighed. “Don’t remind me of that night….” ”But Josh…wow. Didn’t you tell me he is living in LA?” “Well, I thought so. At least he was living there for the past 41 years” “What the hell he is 41?????” “Um, yes he is” “He doesn’t look like that” Megan said and pointed at her computer screen. “What the hell! Did you just google my ex?” I started laughing. “Um, yes I did” she said. “I mean, I just wanted to be sure that he was the one I interviewed many years ago” “And did you?” “Well, I think so” she laughed. “Good” I laughed with her.

“And did you two talk?” Megan turned back to a serious talk. “Yes, just for a few minutes because he got a phone call” “Oh, maybe a girlfriend?” “Hm….no, it was his realtor” “Oh is he here for business?” “Yes” I started laughing. “Josh is only in town for the big business” “Who knows” “Na, he’s not a business guy” I told her. “So….what is he doing here?” “He’s actually here for making music. He’s meeting a friend with whom he collaborated several times and they’re jamming and recording for a week now and….on Friday he’s playing a concert with his band Dot Hacker” “Wait, I thought he’s in the Chili Peppers” “Yes but he has another band called Dot Hacker and they’re playing here in a club” “And did he ask you to come?” Megan looked at me eagerly. “Um, yes he did” “Yeahhhhhh bitch!” She screamed. “Great!”I looked at her questioning. “Eileen” she sighed. “I might not know you for a very long time, but I’m an expert in knowing people and I have the feeling that you’re not really over Josh. I mean, The story with the strange guy from last night that you told me this morning….why did you even tell him the name Josh? There must be a reason. I mean, I was attached to this guy I met a few years ago and we dated and we had sex, we had a really good time. But suddenly he had a girlfriend. I was so shocked. I couldn’t even cry! Like….it was just so unbelievable. I wondered when he had time to date her when we spend almost every free time that we had together. But he chose her and they were very happy, they moved in together, they even got engaged, they got married, they became parents and I could follow every little step on social media. I know that it was my fault that I hurt myself even harder while stalking him on social media. But I did. It’s just me….whatever. Last year I met him in Manhattan on the streets. It turned out that he is divorced, he is a single father now and he still looks like the hot guy I dated a few years ago. All my feelings that I thought were just dead, came back. In one minute they were back at it. Back at the game, you know?” “Hm….yes, I know the feeling” “So….we just had a talk and when I bumped into him for the second time, he asked me for a date….again. After like….five years? So we had a few dates, we ended up in bed and I realized that he wasn’t who I thought he would be. I changed, he didn’t. So….whatever….what I want to tell you is, maybe you should try it again? Maybe you should see him again” “Why? I mean, it’s not that we didn’t have a second chance. We did. It didn’t work out” “Why did it fail?” Well, now she had me.

I wasn’t sure if I should tell Megan about the loss of our child. But otherwise….she was one of the only person I knew in New York and I had the feeling that we were just becoming good friends so….why not telling her? “Well, a lot has happened” I started. “I got pregnant and….” So I told her the whole story – I mean, we didn’t have to work. No. It was already 6pm, we were alone in the office and we just had to stay here until 8pm to wait if something important would happen in the world. But it didn’t. “Wow” she reacted when I told her everything about Josh and my second chance. “I’m really sorry to hear that” she said. “It’s okay. I can now say that I can deal with it. I needed some time to overcome it. I had a nervous breakdown on my journey because for the first time since the accident happened I had time to think about it. And I cried a lot. I cried like I’ve never cried before. But it was okay. I’m over it.” “Well, to me it sounds a bit like your relationship didn’t work out because you both had different ways to deal with the situation. While you went fully on survivor mode, Josh seemed very emotional and maybe you didn’t know how to deal with it” “Hm….could be” “You both were hurt and sad but you couldn’t talk about it. Maybe he had the feeling that you were already over it when you didn’t even start realizing it” “Hmmm” “So….what should I say? I can only give you the advice to see him again. He’s single, isn’t he?” “Well, at least that’s the news I got in August. But now it’s December. I wouldn’t be surprised if he would date a new woman now….�� ”Don’t be such a pessimist. And who cares? Even if he’s dating someone right now, you two should have talk. Or at least see each other again. I mean, you shared so many memories with each other….you’re at least friends. Even if you think you aren’t. You are. Because you know each other. And no woman knows him the way you knows him because you two went through such a difficult time and I don’t think that in the past four years - where he obviously messed around with many girls - I don’t think that he met someone and had a similar experience with this person like he had with you” “Maybe” “Go to the concert” “Really? I mean, maybe it’s too much. I mean, he only asked me but that’s just him being nice because he always asks his friends to come to his shows and….” ”Eileen” Megan suddenly interrupted me. “You have this look in your eyes when you’re talking about him. Even now four years after your break up. It’s not natural. You’re not talking about your ex the way you do when you don’t feel anything for him at all!” “So you really think I should go?” She nodded. “But….I don’t want to go alone?” “Well, here I am! I’m always there to accompany my co workers to concerts in sticky clubs” she laughed.

Later that night at home I was lying on my couch, woollen socks covered my feet and I was having a pizza with four sorts of cheese. Vilma was looking at me hoping she could get one slice of the pizza but she didn’t. I mean, I didn’t want to leave the house again. It was already 11pm. And how knows what would happen if Vilma would eat a slice of pizza with so much cheese!

So I was thinking about this crazy day and the encounter with Josh. I was very nervous when I saw him. His whole appearance made me so twitchy that I didn’t know what to do with my hands, how to look at him – creepy smile or cool face? – and of course, what to say!

All I knew was that I couldn’t forget him after I saw him in February at the concert in New York. But it was also the moment when I realized that he seemed very happy with Helen. The way he looked at her, the way he acted with her child, Emma, to me it looked totally happy. Honestly, I was surprised to hear my mom telling me that they broke up. Maybe they already got back together and they bought an apartment together in New York. I mean, who knows? He wouldn’t have told me today. Why should he?

Yes, these feelings I felt in New York at Valentines Day on their concert confused me and made me freak out. These feelings let me end the relationship with Sebastian and let me quit my job and start my journey.

But when I started my trip I stopped thinking about Josh because I was so busy doing other things. Then I met Miranda in Thailand, my brother in Australia, Ben in Australia, did my own journeys in South America and finally met with Sebastian in Mexico. I think there wasn’t enough time for thinking of Josh. But now that I met him again after eight months I totally felt like being a teenager again.

But I would go to the concert. I had to.

“Are you ready?” Megan asked me when we arrived at the Bowery Ballroom in Manhattan. “Yes, I am” I laughed my insecurity. The club was already very crowded. We headed to the bar. I already liked the location. It wasn’t that big, there was a balcony and even a golden curtain at the stage. It looked very retro. “So, I’m ready. Josh and his band can start to play now” Megan laughed when we got our beer. “By the way, you look gorgeous!” “Thanks” I smiled and drank my beer. I decided to wear black skinny jeans, ankle boots, a white t-shirt and a black leather jacket. I tried to make some waves into my hair but I think I failed like always. I wasn’t very good in make-up and styling. “And your hair looks so good! How did you do that?” “Um, I only tried to do some waves but I guess I failed” “Oh bullshit, it looks quite sexy” she winked at me. “Well, I tried my best” I laughed. “Are you nervous?” “Why should I be nervous?” I asked her. “I already saw his band a few times playing” “Yes but….today is very special. You didn’t see him in a long time, then you accidentally bumped into him at the museum, he asked you if you want to come….if this doesn’t lead into sex tonight, then I don’t know” “Megan!” I said. “What are you talking about? I just came here because he asked me and because I’m nice and he is nice and that’s just a normal thing to do” “Yes it’s totally normal to go to a concert of your ex” “Whatever, it’s not what you think it is” “Come on Eileen, he’s a rock star. He has some strings attached” “No he isn’t a rock star. He doesn’t behave like one” I told her. But maybe I was wrong. Maybe Josh turned into this rock star he never wanted to be? “Whatever, you will…” she started her answer but in that moment the lights went off and the band entered the stage.

It was weird to see Josh playing again. Although it was still Josh who was standing on stage right now, he looked different. Okay, his hair was shorter and you could see that he got a little bit older over the years. But he still didn’t look like 41. They started with “C-Section” and continued to play many old songs but also some of the new ones. I still didn’t listen to the new album. “Wow, I like the new songs live!” Megan let me know. “Did you listen to the album before?” I asked her. “Of course” she nodded. “Did you?” “No” I shook my head. Megan laughed. “Okay maybe I wouldn’t do it either if it would be my ex” I don’t know why I didn’t listen to it but I think it was because of this strange interview I read back in August where Josh was talking about the new record and told that many songs are about love and his past and some negative feelings he had during that time they made the record. Maybe I didn’t want to know what his new songs were about.

“Wow, nooooo, how does he sing like that and why is it so emotional?” Megan screamed into my ear when they started playing “Eye Opener”. This was one of the first songs that I listened to when I saw his band playing live in Berlin seven years ago. Wow, already seven years ago. How time flies. What happened during this time….unbelievable.

After finishing the main set they came back for a short encore. First they played another new song, then Josh started playing a cover on his own while his band mates had some trouble fixing some problems at the drums. But when Eric gave Josh a sign that everything was fixed they started playing the last song. Before that Josh gave a short speech. “Thank you all for coming to the show. We’re very happy to finally play in New York again. We have many friends here and we’re happy that many of them came to the show tonight….honestly, I’m myself, I’m very happy to see some special people here tonight. So, if you want to have a few drinks after the show, feel free to join us since Clint will celebrate his birthday at midnight!” Josh laughed. “But first we play our last song tonight. It’s a very special song and a very personal song and wow….I think I never said so much on stage, right?” Josh looked at the other guys and they were laughing at him. “So, this song is called ‘Where Are The Flowers’” he said and started playing the first chords. And this song hit me.

“I’m scared I loose my memory Of you and me and everyone around us What I’ve done feels like treachery Of you and me

I’m deceasing Fucked up and creasing Grieving in loneliness Where are the flowers we once owned?”

“This concert was awesome!” Megan was completely over the moon after the show. “It was” I agreed, but still a bit in trance. “Honestly, I can totally understand you with Josh. I mean, although he wears these weird clothes he’s quite hot on stage. I mean, he has a stage appearance. He’s like a genius on stage. You can see that he doesn’t want to be in the spotlight that much but he is such a cool dude and wow, I’m very impressed.” “Well, yes it was great” I agreed with her. We went back to the bar. I definitely needed a drink. I was so done for today. First I had a very tough day at work, I finally agreed with my boss to post my blog article on our website. It would be published next week but it was a long way until we finally agreed on this. I was so done and just wanted to go home, take a walk with Vilma and if I hadn’t have agreed to come to the show I would have stayed in bed the whole evening. But well, the plans were changed. “Do you think Josh will greet you?” Megan asked. If I wouldn’t have known it any better I would say she had a crush on him. But I knew it better because Megan was kind of falling in love with a guy she met a few weeks ago. So I was totally cool. “I don’t know. He said that many friends are here tonight so I guess there are a lot of people to greet” “Hm….but you’re special in a way” “Tzzz, no I don’t think so” I shook my head. “Eileen, confidence!” Megan told me.

It took twenty minutes until Josh did show up. He went to the bar and after greeting a few other dudes there he suddenly saw us and approached us. “Hey, great you came!” he said and we hugged. It was very weird to hug him. Very weird. He smelled so good…. “This is my friend Megan” I introduced him to her and they shook hands. Megan smiled all over her face. “Great concert! I really like your band. I think you got a new fan tonight!” she laughed. “Thank you.” Josh chuckled a bit shy. “So are you having a great time here?” he asked me. “Yes, thanks. We saw a great concert, now we’re having another beer. Everything’s great” “Okay….so if you want to come with us, we want to have a few drinks in a bar because of Clint’s birthday at midnight. So, feel free to join us” he said and then had to leave to put the gear into their van. “Are you joining them?” Megan asked me. “Well, if I will do this then you have to accompany me” “But….” She said and paused. “I want to see Dereck later….so….only for one drink” “Promise me!” “I promise!”

Thirty minutes later we arrived at the bar Josh told me. It wasn’t far away from the Bowery Ballroom so we didn’t have to take along walk. It was already very snowy and windy outside. “I don’t think that the blizzard will arrive here tonight. It isn’t that snowy, you know” Megan said. “Hm, I hope so” The media reported that there was a blizzard that should arrive in NYC this night. But since it was already almost midnight and we were still able to walk on the streets, I didn’t think it would be such a heavy blizzard.

We arrived at the bar and Eric welcomed me.

“Long time no see” he said with a smile on his face. He was right. The last time I saw him was in August after I came home from my journey. Molly and him were doing great. They made such a cute little family with their little daughter. I talked with Eric for quite some time and he showed me pictures of his child. He was such a proud father. A few minutes before midnight Josh and Clint came into the bar and we celebrated Clint’s birthday. We sang and drank some drinks and just had a great time.

“I have to leave now” Megan told me. “I hope I still come to Brooklyn” she said and we looked outside. It was snowy but the cabs were still driving. “Thanks for accompanying me tonight” I smiled and hugged her goodbye. “Well, for sure. That’s my job” she laughed. “So, take care and get home safety aaaand!” she stopped, came closer and started whispering in my ear “And stay safe, I mean, sexually” “I will!” I assured her laughing and then she left.

“Why did your friend have to leave?” Josh asked me and sat down next to me. “She has other plans for tonight” I told him. “Oh, okay I get it” he laughed. “I think there is a guy involved” “Maybe” I laughed and drank my beer. “Do you want another drink?” “Um, well” I said and thought about it. Maybe I should also go home now? I mean, what if the blizzard would get worse? “Well, why not” I said instead and Josh ordered two new drinks for us. “So, you’re living in New York now” he said. “Wow, I never thought you would do that. I mean, you love LA” “I do but….I didn’t find a job there so I decided to start a new chapter. I mean, you know me, I also lived in Berlin for a while” “Yes, I remember that….” Josh said a bit lost in thoughts. “So….and what let you buy an apartment here in New York?” I asked him. And I was afraid of the answer. I mean, what if he would say that he and his girlfriend wanted to buy one in NYC? Maybe she was from New York? Who knows…. “Well, I like New York. My family is from here and some family members are still living here as you might know….so I thought I want to buy an apartment. Then I have a place where I can stay when I come to New York, you know. Plus I can come here when the Yankees play….I don’t have to sleep in hotel rooms or ask a friend if I can stay at his place. It’s easy” “So you want to spend more time here in New York?” “Kind of….making music, seeing friends, having a good time here” Josh told me when Jonathan interrupted our conversation. He was about to leave and wanted to say us goodbye. Josh got up to hug his friend and say goodbye to Jonathan’s friends as well. I thought about Josh’s answer. So he made the decision to buy an apartment. No girlfriend involved. But maybe he didn’t want to tell me? But if he would have a girlfriend, she would be here, right? In the twinkle of my eye I saw how Eric was grinning at me. He must’ve watched me and Josh talking the whole time. Oh no.

“Sorry, I just had to say goodbye to Jonathan’s friends either” Josh said and came back to his seat. “No problem” I said. “And you’re a Brooklyn girl now?” he chuckled. “Yes, I am. I’m totally into Brooklyn. I fell in love with Brooklyn” “Oh really? You’re in love?” he asked and looked into my eyes. It made me nervous. “Yes, um, yes I’m in love with Brooklyn” “Great” he laughed. What a weird conversation.

Our conversation was stopped when a friend of Josh started talking to him. You could see that Josh didn’t want to talk to him but the nice person he was, he couldn’t just say “no”. I was drinking my beer while Josh was talking to this guy. Eric suddenly sat down next to me. “So, what’s going on here?” he laughed. “Um, nothing” “You and Josh?” “No….nothing” “Honestly, when he told me that he bumped into you at the museum he was so happy when he came back. I didn’t see him so happy since the disappearing of Helen” “Um, disappearing?” “Oh well…yes, it’s a long story. I think he should tell you himself” “Okay….”

Now I was totally confused. Didn’t they break up? Helen left? Disappeared? Maybe they didn’t break up but she just left without telling anyone? And Josh was heartbroken? Sounds like a criminal story! So maybe he wasn’t over her? Well, I didn’t want to think about it because it would cause me headache. He invited me today and I bet I wasn’t the only woman he invited to the concert tonight although I didn’t see him talking to any other woman here.

At 2am the bar closed and we had to leave. When we went outside it was so windy my scarf flew away. Josh picked it up and gave it to me.

“How do you come home now?” he wanted to know. “I will call a cab” I told him and just in that moment I stopped a cab that was passing us. I asked the driver if he can drive me to Brooklyn but he shook his head. “Why?” I asked him. “I won’t pass the Brooklyn Bridge tonight. Did you hear about the blizzard?” “Um, well” And he drove away. I stopped the next cab but the driver gave me the same answer. I was shocked. “What the fuck is wrong with these cab drivers?” I suddenly complained. Josh heard my complaining and asked me what was wrong. “No cab driver will drive me home to Brooklyn” I told him. “Why?” “Because of the blizzard. They want to stay in Manhattan” “Seriously?” “Yes!”

Now Josh tried to stop a cab for me. It was the third cab that was passing us and he stopped it but the driver just shook his head and asked us if we were crazy. He wouldn’t pass the bridges tonight. “Fuck” I said. “How should I get home now?” “Well, if you don’t mind you can come with us. Eric is staying at my place as well and you can sleep in my bed, I’ll sleep on the couch, if you don’t mind” Josh told me. “That’s very kind of you but….I have to get home. I have a dog and I can’t let her alone in my apartment. Not only would my landlord kill me if he finds out that I let my dog alone the whole night, also my dog will kill me because she needs some food and needs to go out” “Well” Josh didn’t know an answer. “I have to get home tonight!” I almost freaked out. “Is there any problem?” Eric asked us and Josh told him the situation. “Hm, but the subway is still running” he told us. “Are you sure?” I asked. “At least the bartender told us that he will take the subway now” “Hm…okay then I will take the subway” I said. “Even if it will take an hour or so” “Really?” Josh looked at me. “Yes, I mean, I have to get home tonight” “Yeah I know but….well….okay” “So should we take a cab now, Josh?” Eric asked his mate. Josh didn’t respond, he was still looking at me. “Josh?” Eric repeated his question. “Guys, thanks for having me, I will go now. I think the next station is a few blocks away” I said and wanted to hug them goodbye. After I hugged Eric I looked at Josh. “Wait, do you really want to go alone?” he looked worried. “Yes” I laughed. “I’m a big girl, you know” “I know but….it’s 3 in the night and this blizzard….you have to go to Brooklyn….” “I did it several times, believe me” “But there aren’t any people on the streets at night” “Josh, this is the big apple, there are always people on the streets” “Well” he sighed. I looked at him and had to laugh. He was a bit afraid that something could happen to me. I found it quite cute. “I will bring you home” he suddenly said. “What?” Eric and I said simultaneously. “Yes, I will accompany you and then I will drive home. So here are the keys” he gave Eric his keys. “Okay, then I will take a cab now” Eric said before he left.

“You don’t have to do this” I told Josh. “But I want to do it. I don’t want you to drive home alone. It’s a crazy city” “Josh, you don’t have to be so caring for me” “Well, that’s just me being nice. You know me” Yes I did. So we went to the subway station. It was already snowing so heavy that we were almost completely white and full of snow when we arrived at the station. Surely we had to wait twenty minutes until the next subway would come. When we were warmed up again we had to change the line and again we had to wait. I was so tired. We barely talk on our way back home but I was very thankful that Josh was with me because the subway was almost empty and there were only crazy and drunk people.

“So where do we have to go now?” Josh asked when we arrived at the subway station. Unfortunately the subway didn’t stop at my hometown station. It stopped one station prior due to technical problems. So we had to walk home thirty minutes through the heavy snow and wind. “Just straight forward” I screamed at Josh. I don’t know if he understood me. “I know” he said. It was so exhausting to walk home because the wind was so heavy. I felt so bad because Josh only wanted to bring me home but now he had to walk through this cold snow because the subway didn’t run. “We’re almost at my street” I let him know. Josh stopped at the next corner. “I’m so sorry” I said. “You only went through this snow because of me….I feel so bad” “It’s not your fault” he told me. “It’s the fault of this fucking blizzard” “I’m so sorry” “Don’t say this” he said and smiled at me. “You didn’t order this weather, did you?” “Hell no!” I laughed.

We proceeded and after forty minutes we finally arrived at my house. I had some problems tinkering the keys out of my bag because my hands were so cold. Josh suddenly took my bag and searched for the keys. “Thanks” I smiled and he opened the door. “Typical Brooklyn building” he commented while we were taking the elevator. When we arrived at my apartment it was totally dark. Vilma was already asleep but she woke up when she heard the door. I turned on the lights. Suddenly I realized that I wasn’t on my own. Josh was here and he could see my messy apartment right now. Oh why didn’t I tidy up before I left? I mean, you never know who could come home with you…. “Beautiful apartment” he said while he was walking through the hall. “Thanks” “Reminds me a bit of your LA apartment” “Just a little bit.” “Yeah, a little bit” he smiled. Josh stopped at the window and took a look outside. “Nice view” “It is” I smiled. Since we were both very chilled to the bones I made some tea. “I only have ginger tea, so I hope you like it” “Oh I do” he said and came into the kitchen. “It’s good for the voice” “Yes, Of course” I laughed. “You’re a singer, sure you know ginger tea” Oh well I felt like this stupid teenage girl again. It didn’t look like I already was dating this guy for three years.

“Well, I’m taking a look how I get to my apartment. I hope it won’t take too long” Josh said while he was looking at his phone. “Hopefully not” A few minutes later he looked a bit shocked. “What’s wrong?” I asked. “It would take me 1.5 hours? Wow” Okay now I was shocked too. I mean, yeah we were in Brooklyn but….it was still New York! I thought if I should offer him that he could stay here but I didn’t know if it was appropriate. “Fuck….” He moaned. “Well, then I think I have to go now to take the next train….” “Hm….” Josh got up and when he was just about to go to the door the lights went off. What was happening hear? “Did you turn off the lights?” Josh asked me. “No I didn’t do anything” “Hm…strange” Josh tried to turn on the lights but it didn’t work. I tried to turn on any kitchen appliance I had but nothing worked. Fuck. “Seems like there is a blackout” Josh noted. “Oh fuck” I answered. I wanted to get out of the kitchen but I couldn’t see anything because it was so dark here. Suddenly Josh put on the flashlight on his phone. “Thanks” I said when I arrived safety at the door. “I’m such a Blindfisch” “You’re always talking a mixture of German and English if you’re mad” Josh chuckled. “I know” I grinned. “Sorry” “Well at least I could understand it” “Good for you” “Well I was dating this half German woman for three years” “Oh really? Never heard of her before” “You should have” he said still chuckling.

“So, you wanted to go, right?” I asked him. “Hm yep” Josh didn’t look like he wanted to leave my apartment. “Then, um, I think this is goodbye?” I said. “Yes, although I think I already missed the train” “Really? Oh no….so sorry. Only because you had to light me the way” “It’s okay. I will take the next train” “You can stay, if you want. I mean, it’s already 4.30, you won’t be home before 6am. And your clothes are totally wet from the snow. Are you freezing?” “A little bit” “Oh well Josh!” I suddenly said and tried to find the way to my wardrobe. “I know this sounds very weird coming from my mouth but, please take off your clothes. I see what I can give you” I told him and turned on my flashlight. “Hmmm” “You can stay here. You can sleep in my bed or at the couch or wherever you want. We’ll find a away” I said and looked for something he could wear. I knew that I had some pants from my brother that I didn’t give him back after our journey. And I also had some xxl shirts that I mostly used as sleeping shirts. “Ta daaaa!” I suddenly said. “Here, take these. I hope they fit you”

I gave him the cloths. Josh thanked me and went to the bathroom. It was still so dark inside of my apartment so I was looking for some candles.

When Josh came back I already lit up a few candles so that the apartment wasn’t that dark anymore.

“Sorry, it must look as if I just prepared a romantic night with candles but it actually is only there to have some lights on.” “I know” Josh laughed and sat down at my bed. “I like your apartment. At least in the dark” “Well, it’s also very cool at day” I joked. “So….I think I take your offer and stay overnight. I will sleep on the couch” “Okay, I think this is the best decision. I mean, look outside” I said and pointed at the window. The wind was so heavy and the snow got more and more. “I’m so glad we don’t have to go outside again” I said. “Me too” Josh agreed. “I’m so happy that I could make the tea before the blackout otherwise we would freeze even more” “Absolutely great timing” Josh grinned. I gave him some blankets and we sat down on my bed, covered in blankets.

For a while we only sit there and didn’t talk. It was still a very awkward situation. I mean, we didn’t see each other in a long time and we didn’t talk in a long time. Now that we small talked for a while I didn’t know what to say. It was Josh who broke the ice. “So, you’re having a dog? How comes?” “Me and my ex wanted to have a dog so we bought Vilma and she’s the best” I said with a smile on my face. “She’s really cute” Josh responded. “I also have a dog now” “Really????” “Yes…his name is Bowie” “Haha, Bowie? Like David Bowie?” Josh nodded. „He’s the best“ Josh grinned. “I mean, David Bowie and my dog, of course” „So funny, I once met a woman with a dog named Bowie. I think it was at Mulholland Drive” “Oh….well” Josh said. “Um….wait, was it your dog? Your Bowie?” “Hm….I don’t know but Helen once told me a story where Bowie was running to a young woman at Mulholland Drive” “Yes, that could be me” “What a coincidence” Josh commented. “It was….Sometimes LA is a village” I laughed. I wanted to know so badly what was happening to Helen. Did they break up? Did she leave? “So you said, ex boyfriend” Josh suddenly said. “When did you break up?” “In March….I finished my PhD, quit my job and started a journey around the world” “I know” “You know?” “Yes” “How?” “I read your blog” “No you didn’t!” “Yes I did….” ”And….how did you find it?” “Well, you once shared it on Facebook” Josh laughed. “Oh okay….” Stupid Eileen asks stupid questions. “So….yes I broke up with Sebastian and traveled the world” “Sounds like a great story. What did you see of the world?” Josh asked and I kept telling him about my journey. I don’t know how long it took me but I think it took almost an hour until I finally finished my monologue. Josh just listened to me quietly. He was such a good listener.

“Wow, you really did see a lot of the world” “Yes but not as much as you did” “Well, I only see the arena and airports” Josh joked. “Come on, sometimes you even go to bars or restaurants or visit museums” “Yes, but not so often….the last tour was very heavy. We toured Europe in two months completely. We didn’t have many off days, it was very stressful and exhausting. We thought that we could have more time off at home when we would tour like this but we were wrong. When we came home we were so exhausted and tired and although we had a six weeks break I felt so tired when we left LA for the next tour leg” “Hm….it’s your job” I laughed. “You chose it” “I know…it’s not that easy actually if you’re getting older” “You’re the youngest member!” “I know…I should shut up” “Right” I grinned. “So….what does Helen do?” I suddenly had the guts to ask. “I don’t know” Josh said. Honestly, I was afraid of his answer but I was hoping he would say something like this. “We broke up and she left” “She left?” “Yes….one morning she just disappeared” “Wow….with Emma?” “No….” “What? She left her daughter behind?” “Yes….she wrote me a letter and tried to explain that she couldn’t do this anymore. She felt terrible for leaving Emma behind but she had to do it. I still don’t understand her decision but well, I couldn’t change it” “So where is Emma now?” “Right now she is at her grandma’s house. I bought a house last year where Helen, Emma and I wanted to move in but since Helen left us I gave the house to Emma and her grandma. Usually Emma lives there but when her grandma has to go home to Chino she lives with me” “Wow….” I was speechless to hear that. Josh took care of the child of his ex? He was definitely too nice for this world. “You know that not everyone would do this” I said. “What do you mean?” “Not every guy would take care of a child that isn’t his own” “You know, I like Emma. I try to love her like an own daughter. I know that this will never really happen but….I really like her. We get along very well and when her mother left I was the only person in LA who was there for her. Her grandma was still living in Chino. We had to make the best out of the first weeks after Helen’s disappearing” “And did you ever hear from Helen again?” “No….she only called her mother once to tell her that she’s fine. She’s living in Mexico now” “But she won’t come back?” “No” “Wow, how selfish is that?” Josh sighed. “It is…but in a way I can even understand her. It was all too much for her” “No excuse….she has a daughter to take care of” “I know….”

Silence.

I was still speechless after hearing the story of Helen’s disappearing. I was so impressed how Josh handled the situation. I think he was even a better person like he used to be when we were dating. “I don’t know if I could do this….taking care of the child of my ex” I said. “Believe me, if you’re ever in a situation like this, you will be able to do it” “Hm….maybe” I was looking at Josh while he was getting up to go to the bathroom. He was still the guy I fell in love with many years ago and I don’t know why but something reminded me of the younger Josh I fell in love with. Maybe it was his look, maybe it were the clothes he was wearing – which fitted him perfectly – or maybe it was just the fact that I finally could spend some time with him again.

When he came back I was almost asleep because I was so tired. “You still feel cold, aren’t you?” Josh asked when he laid down in the bed. “A little bit” “Here, take my blankets” “No….I don’t want you to freeze” “Well I don’t freeze” “Don’t talk bullshit” I said. But Josh just smiled at me. This smile took a little bit longer than it should have, I guess. Suddenly his lips came closer to mine and although it was still dark in my apartment I could see his face that was looking at me. When our lips met it felt like a first kiss. I don’t know why it felt like that but I think it did because it was so long ago that we kissed.

Josh stopped and looked at me. “I hope you want it too” he chuckled. “Well, didn’t you want to sleep on the couch?” I chuckled “Of course I want it” I said and pulled him closer. I sat down on his lap and we kept kissing. I was ruffling his hair and carefully taking off his shirt. Now we weren’t cold anymore, his skin was warm and so was mine. What followed was a mixture of passion, emotion and goosbumps. What started as a romantic kiss ended in a wild sex scene I never experienced before. I tried to forget that Molly told me about his hook ups and that he fell in love with another woman. I just didn’t care. I just enjoyed the moment. “Wow, why didn’t we do it directly after coming home?” I asked him, still gasping. “I don’t know” Josh grinned at me and kissed my tow.

“Honestly….it felt so good…just like” “Coming home?” Josh completed my sentence. “In a way” I looked at him. “We were always a good team, don’t you think?” Josh said. “Of course we were….” I laid my head on his chest. “Coming home is always good” Josh noted. “Josh?” “Hm?” “I have to ask you something” I said. I couldn’t keep quiet about it anymore. “Okay” “Maybe I destroy the feeling with asking you this question but…Is it right that you hooked up with so many girls after our break up?” Josh looked surprised but not shocked. He knew that I was friends with Molly and we did talk about him. “Well, yes” he answered. “But I’m not very proud of it” “How many girls?” “Hm….I guess too many. At least for me too many. Once I didn’t even know the name of a girl…one girl once smashed my iPad because she thought we’re going to have breakfast” “Sounds like you had a very messy phase…” ”I had….and if I look back at it I feel awful. It wasn’t good for me.” “Didn’t it give you anything?” “It did….at the beginning. I had a lot of fun but some day you wake up and realize that it’s not everything in life. Sex is not everything. Having fun is not everything. I felt so lonely. I think sometimes I just hooked up with girls to not feel lonely. First I started sleeping with girls to forget you” “Really?” “Yes…I suffered so much after our break up. And when our tour started I saw how the other guys had their fun….and I tried it again and I didn’t stop. Having girls around me on tour gave me confidence, you know. It’s a poor argument, but it’s the truth” “Hm….but then you met Helen?” Josh nodded. “Where did you meet her?” “In a bookstore” “You’re kidding” “Oh yes I did” “And did you ask her out?” “I did….and it was successful” he grinned. “How did you feel when she left?” “I didn’t know what to feel….it was so surreal for me. Suddenly there was this child I had to take care of. It was a constricting feeling” “I believe it wasn’t easy….” “No it wasn’t….”

Silence.

Although I didn’t want to imagine with how many girls Josh hooked up in the last years since I broke up, I couldn’t be mad at him or feel disgusted. It was his life and maybe he needed this phase until he met Helen. But now that Helen was gone….what did he want?

“Josh?” I asked but he didn’t respond. He was already asleep. I laid my head next to his and tried to sleep as well.

A wet muzzle woke me up on the next day. Vilma wanted to take a walk. I looked to the left where Josh was still sleeping. But when Vilma jumped on the bed and even licked his face he woke up. “Welcome to New York” I laughed. “Good morning” he said and smiled at me. “Did Vilma wake you up?” I asked him when I was looking for clothes in my wardrobe. “She’s a good alarm clock” Josh said. “I know she is!” “Where are you going?” he looked at me. “Don’t you want to come back into the bed?” “I have to take a walk with Vilma” “But it’s still snowing….did you look out of the window?” Josh said and took his phone. His was still running while my phone was dead. “The media reports that if we can, we should stay at home and don’t leave the house because it’s too dangerous out there” “Are you kidding? My dog has to poop! What should I do?” “Okay, but then I’ll accompany you” A few minutes later Josh and I were standing at the other side of the street at a tree where Vilma did her business. It was still so windy that we couldn’t talk. We went directly back into the house when Vilma was done. “What do you want to eat? We still have no electricity here so….we can’t cook” “Hm….cereals?” “Okay” I said and opened the fridge that was also dead. After our breakfast I wanted to call my landlord to ask him when the blackout would be over. But since my phone was dead, I had to use Josh’s phone.

“Okay, he told me that he’s working on it and he hopes we’ll have power tonight” “Great!” Josh smiled. At that moment his phone rang. “It’s…Emma” I said when I saw a picture of her at his phone screen. I gave him the phone and tickled Vilma while Josh was talking to Emma.

I didn’t really listen to his phone call but sometimes I heard words like “Yes of course we can do this” or “Sweetie, it’s kind of you but you have to do your homework” or “I’m fine, the blizzard is still here” or “I’m at a friends house right now” or “Only if grandma agrees” or “I’ll be back on Tuesday”. It was Saturday.

“So Emma, hm?” “Yeah, she often calls me just to chat. She wanted to ask if I’m okay because she heard of the blizzard and grandma and her were worrying” “How cute” I smiled but at the same time I realized that I started crying. Oh no. Why did I have to cry now? I didn’t want to cry in front of Josh. “What’s wrong Eileen?” he asked worried. “I don’t know” I sobbed. “I just….I just realized how grown up you are while I’m still this little girl who doesn’t know how her life should be. Who doesn’t find a good job. Who thinks she has big problems in life while you has to deal with the fact that your ex left you behind with her daughter….these are real problems, you know” I told him. “Oh no Eileen, please, don’t say this. Everyone has problems” Josh said and put his arm around me. “But….I feel like a stupid girl right now” “Don’t ever think that again! You’re not a stupid girl. You’re a smart, independent woman and I like that” “Hm…I just…well” I didn’t know what to say. Josh pulled me closer and we sat there on the couch for minutes without talking.

When my little break down was over, I took a nap while Josh was reading one of my books. I liked that he stayed with me. I mean, the blizzard was still very heavy so it would’ve been stupid to get home right now. In the evening the power was back so we cooked something and watched some movies on Netflix. Honestly, we behaved like a couple on a lazy Sunday with the only difference that we weren’t a couple, we just saw each other again after a long time and it wasn’t Sunday. After watching two movies and one documentary Josh turned off the TV and we went to bed. This night nothing happened, instead we only talked for a while. He told me about their last tour and the record process and which songs he liked the most. I told him about my job in Berlin and about Lara and Felix’s engagement. Josh started asking me some questions about Sebastian and I answered. The more we talked, the more it felt normal to talk about our exes. I mean, we both had relationships after our break up, so it was totally okay to talk about it. Josh also told me how his family was doing and I told him about my family. We realized that we were at the same concert twice. One time it was Nick Cave and the second time it was U2. Both in LA. I wondered how it would have changed our lives if we would have met there. But we didn’t.

The second night with Josh in my apartment was different. I was lying in his arms while falling asleep. For a short moment I felt like being happy together again. But it wasn’t the truth.

Josh woke up very early the next morning. He even took a walk with Vilma. The blizzard was already gone but the snow stayed. The life in New York City which came to a standstill during the last two days went on. People were walking at the streets, cars were driving and subways running.

I made breakfast and Josh bought some bagels on his way back to my apartment. Vilma and he got along very well. Sometimes she looked at him as if she was in love. She didn’t do it often! Maybe I looked the same, I didn’t know. Truth was that I felt very happy in the last two days and nights. Spending time with Josh was the best thing in the world and I realized that I truly missed him. I didn’t want to tell him because I didn’t know if he was feeling the same so I kept quiet about it.

“So….I think I have to go now. I have to fix some things and then I will take a very early flight home tomorrow” “On Monday? I thought you would go home on Tuesday?” “Yes but….I have the feeling that Emma needs me. She texted me that she had a big fight with her grandma because her grandma didn’t let her go to a birthday party. I feel like I have to fix this” “Oh okay….” honestly I was a bit sad to hear that Josh wanted to leave now. “So….thank you for letting me stay in your apartment Eileen” he smiled and put his arms around me. He squeezed me for minutes until we looked into each others eyes and he kissed me for the last time. “We’ll see each other again” he said. “We will!” I agreed.

When he took his jacket and opened the door I just watched him leaving. Vilma was sitting next to me. I think she also didn’t want him to leave. He winked at us and closed the door. When the door was closed Vilma and I went to the window immediately. How stupid it must’ve looked like. But we both did it. “Look Vilma, there he goes….” I said a bit lost in thoughts. “This was Josh….the guy who has the talent to let me fall in love over and over again….if I would only know if he feels the same way….Vilma, what do you think?” She only barked.

_________________

“I've got a hundred million reasons to walk away But, baby, I just need one good one to stay”

(Lady Gaga - Million Reasons)

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didiletyouknooow · 7 years

Text

60. So Much I

Hey!

It’s October 3rd and you all know what this means: it’s Josh Klinghoffer’s birthday! Today he turns 38 years old. Still looking like 25 haha. So happy birthday Josh, wherever you are. Have a great day! Here in Germany it’s even an official holiday (okay it’s not because of JKs birthday :D). So in celebration of this day and because it’s already chapter 60 I will post 2 new chapters today!!! Now I’m posting the first one and later I will post the second one.

So thank you for reading, I really hope you will like it!!!!

Have a great October 3rd!

_______________

November

„Eileen, good to see you back in the office. Hope you had a great Thanksgiving” my boss said when I entered his office this morning. “Yes, thanks Carl. It was good to spend some time with my family” “Great” he wasn’t really into words - at least not into spoken words, more into written words. “So, the reason why I wanted to talk to you is….what about this story you wrote about this art project?” “It’s almost finished. You can read it tomorrow I think” “Good….well um” I knew it wasn’t the real reason he wanted to talk to me. There was something else. “And what about your blog story?” I knew he would ask me again.

In August, just a few days after arriving back in LA, I had a long Skype chat with Lara. We both drank wine and we suddenly started talking about love and loosing love, stop believing into love and our past relationships. Suddenly I was wondering what I did wrong in the last ten years. I questioned why all my relationships didn’t work in the end - although I loved the men. Lara didn’t have an answer. But she told me to write about it because “maybe you’ll find the answer while writing about it”. And she was kind of right.

So I started writing and writing – the whole night. I finished the text at 6.37am. I was so tired but excited at the same time. After sleeping I read it several times and let Lara read it, too. When she reacted totally overwhelmed I didn’t know if it was a good or a bad sign. “You should definitely post it somewhere! Make it public!” she said. But I didn’t want to because it was a very private story, especially because I wrote about Josh and Sebastian. But I should just change the names, Lara told me.

After thinking about it for a few days I decided to post it on Tumblr. I didn’t really have heard about this blog before. I just tested it. Lara was the one who showed the text to her friends – without telling them that a friend of her wrote it. And suddenly a magazine from Berlin mentioned it in an article and suddenly it swapped over to LA. The text went viral while I was dealing with finding a new job.

I got many rejections I couldn’t even count them. My parents told me to wait, I would find a job. But I didn’t want to wait! I wanted to work! So after spending six lazy weeks in LA I was done with it. I almost gave up. I knew that it wasn’t a really long time that I was looking for a new job. I knew that it could take months to find a new job, sometimes even years. But I didn’t want to wait. I had the feeling to move on with my life, I wanted a new exercise. So I had this job interview one day at an online magazine in LA. Again they told me that they wouldn’t hire me. But they offered me another job. The problem was: it wasn’t in LA, it was in New York City!

I thought about it for two days until I said “yes”. I think I never made an important decision like this in such a short time. So I looked for an apartment but didn’t find one. When I took the flight to NYC I still didn’t have any apartment. I spent the first days in a hostel and afterwards in an airbnb – well I was used to it, right? After one month I found an apartment in Brooklyn.

Now I was living in New York for a little bit more than two months, six weeks in my apartment in Brooklyn. I was working at an online magazine specialised for people in their 20s. I was mostly writing about culture, no matter if literature, books, films or music. I loved it. But since I started my job here, my boss asked me to post this blog article I posted on Tumblr on our website. The reason why the magazine in LA offered me the job was because they have read my blog article. I don’t even know how they found it. But they did.

So now I was sitting in my boss’ office and for the fourth time he asked me to post this article on the website. I wasn’t sure if I wanted it to be published. “We could change your name. It could be from our readers” “But many people have already read it on Tumblr” I said. “Yes but we could make a background story….like, we know the person who wrote it. Without mentioning your name, of course” “Well, I don’t know” I sighed. “Eileen, it would be so great for our magazine” “Can’t anyone else from the lifestyle resort write a similar article?” “No….it wouldn’t be so successful” my boss replied. “Honestly Eileen, your text is one of the best articles I’ve read in the last year….it would be such a great story for our magazine if we could publish it with a background story of how all the facts you tell in your article came together” “You mean….like a home story?” “Not really….more like…a story of your life. How it all happened” “Well, I only wrote about my opinion, about love and about my relationships” “And that is amazing! Because it’s so honest. The readers can relate to it because they can find themselves in it, you know” “Well….” ”Please Eileen, think about it. I will pay you a double check for it” my boss laughed. I knew he was just making fun. “I’ll think about it” I told him and left his office.

Back in the editorial department my co worker Megan looked at me surprised. “What did he ask you?” “What do you think he asked me?” “Well, the same procedure as every time?” I nodded. “I wonder how often he will ask me. I mean, I already told him that I don’t want to publish it with my real name” I moaned “And what did he say?” “He suggested posting it anonymous. Like….the readers section, you know?” “Hm…it’s your decision but it would be interesting to publish it. I mean, our readers will definitely like the text because they can relate to it” “Well, I will take counsel with my pillow” I let her know.

On my way back home I thought about whether I should publish the text or not. I liked the text and I was proud of it – and surprised that so many users on Tumblr liked it. But should I really publish it in an online magazine? Yes, a famous blog from Berlin already reported about it and even a newspaper from LA mentioned it. But no one knew that I was the one who wrote it because it was anonymous – okay except of my boss and my co workers who knew. But I meant, none of the persons I wrote about knew it. But when it would be published with my real name, they could find it.

I arrived in my apartment in Brooklyn. I loved it. It wasn’t very big but it was very homely. I had a small kitchen, a little living room and my lovely bedroom. I even had a small balcony. The only thing I had to overcome was my fear of heights because my apartment was on the 9th floor. I know, it’s not the tallest building in New York but it was enough for me.

I wanted to start making dinner but a phone call stopped me. It was Megan. She asked me if I wanted to have a few drinks with her and her best friend. I wanted.

So one hour later we met at Di Fara Pizza in Brooklyn. I love Brooklyn. I liked the houses, the streets, the urban style and of course, the Brooklyn Bridge. And of course the live music scene! I mean, LA is great and even in Berlin there were a lot of concerts while I was living there. But New York is the best! I think I went to twenty concerts since I moved here.

After having the best pizza in Brooklyn we went to our favorite bar “Brooklyn Social” at Smiths Street. I ordered my favorite cocktail “Brooklyn” and was in Brooklyn heaven. Megan brought her best gay friend Tom with her. Tom was a typical Brooklyn hipster. He wore skinny jeans, a check shirt and big glasses. His blonde, almost grey hair – it was obviously dyed – was very short. “It was such a tough day” Megan moaned after we clinked glasses. “So I need a good drink” she laughed. I liked Megan. She was the first person I met at the office when I had my first day at work. It was like I already knew her. We get along very well and share some interests. She’s into music, I’m into music. She’s into reading, I’m into reading. Okay, Megan was a little bit taller and had such a beautiful body. I think she was the one who fitted in these super skinny jeans I always wondered who could wear them. “So Eileen, we don’t know that much about you” she suddenly said. “We only know you’re into music, literature and so on….we know you’re from LA but we don’t know much more. So….what should we know about you?” she asked me.

She was right. I didn’t tell her much about my life. I didn’t mention Sebastian or Josh. I only mentioned an “ex boyfriend” once but that’s it. I wanted to start a new life here. No background story needed. “Well, what do you want to know?” I asked. “Where did you work before you moved to New York?” she wanted to know. “In Berlin” “What????” both asked with a mouth wide open. “Berlin” Megan was surprised. “I mean, the German capital?” “Yep” I nodded. “The German capital with its fancy districts and stuff like that” “I was in Berlin when I was a kid but I can’t remember anything” Megan remembered. “Oh I was there a few years ago. Great city. Big gay scene” Tom told us. “Berlin is very tolerant” I said. “And it’s such a crazy city but….not comparable to New York or LA” “I hate LA” Megan said. “Really? Why?” I wondered. “Because it’s such a shallow world. Everything’s full of plastic, drugs, pills, smoke, smog, sex….I just don’t like the city” “Wow, many reasons” I chuckled. “I know…well I’ve worked there for a few years. Not my world. I just love New York” she said. “Well but what about you? Did you really come alone to New York?” “Yes I did” I smiled. I was still happy about my decision. “Great decision!” she winked at me. “Why did you move here?” Tom asked me. “I just wanted to start new. I did it several times now but I always failed” “Why do you think you failed?” Tom was surprised. “Because my relationships didn’t work, I wasn’t happy at all in Berlin. I needed to get away. So I quit my job and traveled the world. But when I came back to LA I couldn’t find a job there so I moved to New York” “Wow, great story” “Maybe I wanted to get away from all my exes and the shit that happened” I said in an undertone of irony. “All your exes?” Tom rose and eyebrow. “Well, it sounds more dramatic that it actually was. Maybe I wanted to sound a bit dramatic” I laughed. “Why did you break up?” “Well….my ex and I couldn’t figure out where to live. He’s from Berlin and I’m from LA. So how can you decide to live if no one is ready to leave the city?” “Sounds complicated” Megan said and looked into her cocktail. “Believe me, you’ll find a cute guy here in Brooklyn very soon. I mean, look at all these hot guys out there” Tom joked. “Brooklyn is the place to be for singles who want to mingle” Megan agreed. “But I think, I don’t want to mingle” I said. “I’m too old for this shit” “Tzz, shut up! You’re never too old for anything. Not in New York!” “But you’re not into your ex anymore?” Tom wanted to know. “No” I laughed. “Not anymore. Not into any ex at all!”

It was true. When Sebastian and I came to LA after our roadtrip we spent one week together in the city of angels until he had to leave. We talked a lot and in the end we decided to stay friends. Another relationship wouldn’t work. Maybe in the future, who knows. Maybe if Sebastian will move to the States some day. But not now. Not the right place, not the right time. I did miss him in the following weeks because we spent so much time together on our journey that it was weird not being around him but when I was busy with moving to New York, I had other things on my mind.

I didn’t think of Josh either. I think I needed this time and the new beginning to forget all the things that happened in my life. New York seemed like the perfect location for a new start. I mean, many women in their thirties move to New York to start new – at least in romantic comedies. So why not doing it in real life?

Certainly, Sebastian and I would see again in one week. He and his band would come to NYC to record some new songs. They would stay for three weeks. The best thing about it was that Lara accompanied Felix and the band so I would see my best friend again. Finally. Sebastian would also bring my dog Vilma with him who would stay here with me in New York from now on. I was excited!

“Whatever, here in Brooklyn are many hot guys” Tom repeated. “Yeah, well” Megan said and pointed at the women next to our table. They were all skinny, had long blonde or brown hair and were talking in Russian. “Okay, except of the models here” Tom rolled with his eyes. “Models? Is it a cool place to stay for them?” I asked. Megan and Tom nodded simultaneously. “Okay….” I didn’t quite understand. ”Well, it’s just because there are so many model apartments here in this district. Because Brooklyn isn’t as expensive as Manhattan, you know” Megan told me. “Okay, I never really thought about modelling” I answered chuckling. “Megan knows a lot about it” Tom grinned. Megan looked at him as if she wanted to say “shut up!”. “Why?” I was curious now. “She used to be a model!” Tom informed me. “Well, only for two years!” she clarified. “Really?” now I was surprised. “How did it happen?” “Well I was 17 and I was discovered in the streets of Chicago. A model scout asked me if I want to do a photo shoot some day. And I said yes, I mean, I was 17!” she started telling.

“So I talked to my parents and they let me do it. I went to the shoot and afterwards a model agency called me to ask me if I’m interested in a contract. I wanted to try it. So since I was living in a small town near Chicago I first moved to Chicago and lived there for one year while I was still going to school. I went to castings, did some shoots and even got some big jobs. So my agency asked me to move to New York when I turned 18. I agreed and took a flight to New York after graduation. I lived in a model apartment with seven other models. It wasn’t very homely or cosy. It was just a room with three beds in it, there weren’t any wardrobes or anything like that. But I didn’t care because I was totally overwhelmed by the city. My agency sent me to many castings but I didn’t get any job after the first weeks. It took some time. Meanwhile I took walking lessons and so on….finally I could get my first jobs and even one job at the NY Fashion Week. It was a great experience but also very shocking because all the clichés are true” “You mean like….skinny models who don’t eat anything? Who barf?” I asked. Megan sighed and nodded. “Not only that” she said and proceeded. “There was puke, there was cotton wool, there were many water bottles, there was cocaine…you know it is true. I saw everything during that week” “Well….doesn’t sound like a good experience” I noted. “Oh it was good!” Megan said. “I met Heidi Klum and Naomi Campbell and Gisele Bündchen. So…it was quite nice. I even went to vip parties and after show parties and if I wanted I could have hooked up with a rich guy there….but I didn’t want to. I was 18 and still felt like a child” she laughed. “But I was even invited to some concerts which seemed quite cool. One day I was invited to a 30 Seconds To Mars concert and met Jared Leto” “Really?” “Yes….he was flirting a lot with the ladies backstage. In the end he left with two girls. Well, I didn’t care. I heard enough bad stories about him” “Well, he’s a womanizer” I said. “Not only that….not only that….” Megan answered. “But why did your agency sent you to concerts?” “They thought I could get famous when I meet a rich guy like a rock star. It wasn’t a very good and serious agency” “Hm….sounds cheap” “It was!” “But believe me. It’s a common thing in the model business….also in the music business. I mean, why do you think are many rock stars dating models?” “Because they can!” Tom answered laughing. “They can” “Yes, exactly. Because they can. Many models don’t really want to hook up with these old guys but they want to become famous. So….if you’re dating Anthony Kiedis you can be sure to be on the tabloids the next day” Okay now it became weirder. Maybe Megan even saw it in my face because she asked what was wrong with me. “Nothing, um….it’s just….you talked about Anthony Kiedis and I’m” “Oh you’re a fan?” she laughed. “No…not really….I mean, but I….” I didn’t know how to say it. Hey Megan, I know Anthony because I dated their guitarist? I didn’t want to tell any stories about my life, right? “Well, if you want to meet him some day, you should go to Malibu. He likes to surf” “I know” I finally said. “Yeah, of course. It’s nothing new” Megan grinned. “I mean….I know him….I know Anthony….kind of” I finally said. “You know him?” Tom asked surprised. “Anthony Kiedis? The guy with this beautiful long hair? At least a few years ago he had this beautiful hair and I always wanted to ask him which conditioner he uses” I nodded. “How?” Megan wanted to know. “Because I….well….” I paused. Megan and Tom looked at me full of expectations. “I dated Josh Klinghoffer” “Who’s Josh Kinghoffer?” Tom asked. “Klinghoffer” I corrected him. “It’s the guitarist of the Chili Peppers” “Really? And he’s your ex?” he couldn’t believe it. “Yep” “Wow, so at least one of us three dated a rock star” Megan said laughing.

Now I felt good to finally tell them. I mean, why should I keep my life so private towards my co workers? They were both so nice and they were the only people I knew here in New York. So it would have been stupid to keep quiet about my past. “So,…it kind of confused me to hear these model stories about bands who invite models to their concerts” I explained. “Well it’s reciprocity” Megan told me. “The bands management asks, the agencies love to send the models to the concerts in hope that one of them becomes famous” “Sounds disgusting to me” I repeated. “It is….and I never did it again.” Megan said. “Whatever….after getting a lot of jobs here in NYC I was happy and proud when I went to my model agency on my last day of my stay here and they gave me my bill. Baaaam. I had to pay them back. I had to pay for the flight to NYC, for my stay in the apartment, for every fucking cab drive I took to the jobs I had…I had to pay so much I was almost broke again” “Why?” I asked shocked.

“Because first they organize and later they want to get your money if you get jobs. They then suggested me a stay in LA at another agency. I agreed because I’ve never been there before. Living in LA for three months sounded great. So I went to LA. It was horrible. No one picked me up from the airport, I waited for hours and later took a cab. It was so expensive. I lived in an apartment with twelve girls from all over the world. I hated it. Not because I hated these girls, but because it was so ugly there. The model scene in LA wasn’t very trendy at that time. Mostly they looked for bikini or lingerie models. Well, I wanted to be a fashion model and not a lingerie model. When one of the photographers at a job asked me if I wanted to be part of a “movie” he’s making, I asked him what kind of movie it was. When he answered “erotic movie” I knew what he was talking about. I didn’t want to be part in porn! I wanted to get a serious job, an editorial shooting or so….when I get back to my agency that day they told me to loose weight because I was too “fat” and I wouldn’t get any job. So I hungered in the next week and when I went to a casting, fainted and couldn’t get the job, I was so done with it. On my way back to the apartment I passed the UCLA and did a short walk on the campus. I loved it. I sat down at a bench and just watched people. I wondered what the people were studying who passed me. I started questioning my model life because I felt so stupid. Everyone was just reducing me on my body. I wasn’t fat! I was skinny! I didn’t even look healthy! So when I got back to my apartment, I packed my bags and left the apartment. I never saw my agency again. The only problem was that I still had this contract and I had to pay them back for my stay in LA but I didn’t care. I paid it and went back to NYC. Totally broke. Can you believe that I was totally broke although I did some editorials for well known beauty brands and designer? I even was part of the NY Fashion Week, I was at Paris Fashion Week, London and Milan Fashion Week! But in the end I was broke again. How stupid is this?”

Wow I was totally overwhelmed by her story. Megan seemed so smart and happy and of course she was a beautiful woman. “Sounds like a horror story” I commented after her monologue. “Well, it was quite fun for a few months but then it got weirder and I stopped liking this job” she said. “So you had to pay everything back?” I couldn’t believe it. “Yes….there was a contract penalty I had to pay” “How bad!” “It was…but it was the best decision. So I went back to NYC when I was 20 and started studying literature and politics” “Great…I like curriculum like that!” I said. “Well, you know….I think I’m just not into modelling. Maybe I was too smart for it” “Maybe you were…” “But I never met the Chili Peppers” she laughed. “Oh well, it’s nothing special….” “Come on, they’re one of the biggest bands in the world!” “Yes they are but….they’re just human beings like you and me” I told her. “But Anthony Kiedis is hot….” ”Well, depends” I grinned. “Okay, you were more into Josh….I think I once interviewed him years ago. When he wasn’t in the band yet.” “Really?” “Very shy guy” “Oh yes he is….but I think he changed during the last years. He’s more confident, not only on stage….also….backstage” “What do you mean?” “I don’t know…I’ve heard he had a lot of girls after we broke up. And now that you’re telling me this model story I wonder if this is happening at their concerts as well” “Oh, sorry….If I would have known, I wouldn’t….” ”No it’s okay. I just wonder if he was into models after our break up. I was just told that he hooked up a lot….but he was single so it’s totally okay for me. I mean, whatever….don’t want to give it that much attention” I said a bit lost in thoughts. “You’re really over him?” Tom asked me. “Um, yes. I am” “Well, if you say so”

Later that night I thought about Megan’s story. I was a bit shocked to hear these insiders about the model business. Sure, I knew that it isn’t that glamorous as you might think but I never expected it to be so hard. And Megan was a smart person. But the next thing that bothered me was the fact what she told us about agencies that send their models to concerts. But now that I thought about it….maybe Josh could hook up with so many girls backstage because they were invited? Ugh, I didn’t want to imagine it. I couldn’t even imagine it. He wasn’t like that. I knew it. But he obviously had a phase where he acted like that. I knew that he found Helen two years ago and even if they probably broke up, he was the guy who was looking for something serious. Maybe not in every minute of his life, but he was definitely someone to have a relationship with. A serious one.

I was checking out Facebook and for the first time in months I looked at Josh’s profile. Nothing special. Just a few pics from the road. One pic showed him together with Samy and that was it. Nothing more. No woman, no Emma, no girl. However. I had to sleep. Wasn’t it stupid to look for any sign that could proof that Josh was just like any other rock star cliche? Oh well Eileen, you’re stupid. Stop it. Stop it and go to bed.

“I can’t believe we’re finally seeing each other again!” Lara said while she was hugging me. Today was the day! My best friend landed in New York together with her boyfriend and his band. While the boys had to go to the studio today Lara and I met for dinner in Manhattan. “Wow, I’m so overwhelmed and delighted by New York! I was here before but….it’s years ago so my memory lost me a bit….but now I’m here and I think will never leave again” she marveled. “Well, believe me. After a few weeks it’s just like any other city. It’s just like Berlin or LA or so” “Yeah, well I only lived in Berlin and Heidelberg. I don’t know what it’s like to live in the US” she chuckled. “Oh okay, sorry” I said and we ordered our meal.

Lara and I had a lot to talk about. I mean, we didn’t see each other since I left Berlin in April! That was a long time. I told her everything about my journey and she told me everything about her life during tat time. But there was one thing she didn’t tell me yet. I noticed it. “Why are you smiling so much?” I asked her. She didn’t stop smiling since we met today. “I’m just very happy right now” she said. “Well, okay me too. But there is something more, am I right?!” Now she was looking at me and for the first time in years I saw her blushing. I mean, the most confident woman I knew was blushing right in front of me! There must have been a reason! “Lara, honestly, what happened?” I wanted to know. She hummed and hewed and then she said the words “Felix and I are getting married!” WHAT? I couldn’t believe it! I squeezed her and she finally showed me the ring. It wasn’t an eye catcher. I mean, I didn’t even recognize it! Okay, I’m not that into jewelry but….wow, I was speechless! “Congratulations!” I said with tears in my eyes. “When did he propose?” “Last week” Lara told me. “We were on a date night and had dinner and then went to a concert. It was just a normal date night, you know. But suddenly he looked at me at the concert and while people were singing along and filming and doing this entire stuff people are doing at a concert, he asked me. He just asked me. And I couldn’t say no. I couldn’t. My body just said yes. It was reflex!” “Wow, sounds cute and romantic” I said.

There I had it. My best friend who never ever wanted to get married would get married. Maybe not this year but probably next year. I started feeling older and older… “I’m very happy for you two” I let her know. “Felix is such a good guy” “Oh yes he is” Lara smiled. “And my mom loved him so much. I think he was the first guy she really liked as my boyfriend. They got along very well” she told me. It wasn’t even one year ago that Lara’s mother passed away. It was still painful for her to talk about. “You know, although I’m very happy about our engagement, it hurts so much to know that my mother won’t be there. She won’t see her only daughter marrying. That sucks” Lara’s words almost brought me to tears as well. I squeezed her again and said “Well, but she is looking down on you on your wedding day. And she’ll be very proud of you!”

After a moment of silence Lara changed the topic. “So now that you’re here in New York, we have to find you a guy!” she said laughing. “Oh no, please!” “Oh yes, what about Tinder?” “I don’t like Tinder” “Me neither but you could have so much fun with it” “And what if I don’t want to have fun?” “Come on Eileen, you’re in New York, you can have fun every day. Just like Carrie, Samantha, Miranda and Charlotte” “Yeah and it even took them years to finally find the right guy” “Well, but you will find him. I know it!” “What if I don’t want to right now?” “Maybe right now but what will be in two years?”

Ugh, I didn’t want to think about it. I was 35 now. Very old, right? Okay, it wasn’t old but I felt old. I saw all my college friends getting married and having children. And what did I do? I just moved to New York to start a new job. “I feel like a woman in a romantic comedy. Someone who moves to New York to start again.” “Yes and they always find a guy, right?” “In the movies, yes. But not in real life” “Whatever….” Lara sighed. “I still can’t believe you had sex with Ben!” “Oh don’t remind me!” “Why?” “He was cute but….that’s it. He’s a friend of my brother. It was SO weird” “Well, but at least he was hot!” “Hm….” “I would sell my first born to see Ben naked!” “Lara! You’re getting married!” I laughed. “Tzz, but I can still adore some hot musicians” “Whatever….” I sighed. “Is it true that the last three guys you dated were musicians?” “Well, I didn’t really date Ben but….yes, kind of. Josh, Sebastian and Ben are musicians” “Oh honey, you’re totally into musicians and it will destroy your life” she laughed.

After some minutes of giggling Lara got serious again. “Speaking of musicians. Do you think you and Sebastian will get along together? We want to have dinner tomorrow since it’s their drummer’s birthday” “For sure!” I told her. “Sebastian and I are friends. We will definitely get along” “And isn’t it weird to see him again?” “Not at all. I mean, he brings Vilma to New York….I’m just very happy that she will live with me now” “Okay….well so you accompany us Friday night?” “I will!” I smiled.

Well, I shouldn’t have done it.

I woke up with the worst headache I’ve ever had. Oh no, too much alcohol last night. Definitely too much. When I turned around I noticed that I wasn’t alone in my bed. Oh no….oh no, please not….please don’t…. I turned the blanket down and was shocked by the view. No, please….let it just be a bad dream. I covered my face with both of my hands and then looked back at the guy that was lying there. It was Sebastian. Well, at least I knew the guy. But why? I thought of last night. I couldn’t remember everything but I remembered that I was meeting Lara and the boys because the drummer of Felix’ and Sebastian’s band turned 33. We went to a bar in Manhattan and afterwards we went to a club. I remembered that Lara got me drunk. She always ordered new drinks when my glass was empty. And I let her do it. How old was I? 18? No, I was 35 but every 18 year old girl would have handled the situation smarter than me.

So I must’ve started flirting again with Sebastian. Or talking. Or kissing….or….whatever. Now that he was in my bed and we were both completely naked I couldn’t undo it. It happened. I had to move on. I didn’t remember it and I guess I didn’t feel anything. I hoped he thought the same.

I got up and took a shower. It was 8am and I had to go to work. Saturday shift. I hated it. Because I didn’t want to wake up Sebastian I let him a note on a paper and left my apartment for work.

The office was almost empty on a Saturday. Only Megan and me and the graphic designer were there. But he was on his lunch break so Megan and I had time to talk. “So how was the birthday party yesterday? You look very tired” “Oh well, don’t remind me please” “Why?” she laughed. “Did something happen?” “Maybe….” ”Oh wait!” she said. “Did you meet a guy? Did you hook up with someone? Oh please tell me, you did!” “Well….” I sighed. “It depends….fact is, I didn’t go home alone last night but….it wasn’t a new guy that I hooked up with” “Oh no Eileen!” Megan started laughing. “Don’t tell me you hooked up with you ex? What’s his name? Sebastian?” Since the night at “Brooklyn Social” where I told Megan and Tom about Josh, I also told them about Sebastian and me. So she knew that I did see him again last night. “Yes” I admitted. “No way” she was really surprised. “Eileen, I didn’t think you would do that. You sounded like you are over your exes” “Well, I am!” “Hm…..” she looked at me with a scrutinizing look on her face. “Believe me, I am!” I told her. “And I hope that your ex agrees with you and is over you either” “I hope he is….”

After this night I was definitely sure that I was over Sebastian. Yes, he was still a good friend and I really liked him. I loved him for three years but we wouldn’t have any future with me living in the US and him living in Berlin. This was the reason I ended our relationship and I realized on my journey that it was the right decision. Yes I missed him. I missed him so much, I missed him more than I ever missed someone. But when he suddenly showed up and we spent three weeks in a row together on our roadtrip I realized that I only missed him as the person who he was but not as my boyfriend. I didn’t want to kiss him, I didn’t want to feel him closer. I just wanted to chat with him, drink a beer with him, just have a good time. But nothing more.

Now that last night happened I couldn’t undo it. It was a one-off. It won’t happen again. I didn’t even know how it happened….

When my shift was over I went home to pick up Vilma and we went to Brooklyn Bridge Park. Since day one Vilma was here in New York City – which was yesterday - it was Vilma’s and my favorite park in Brooklyn. While I was walking through the park with her I was thinking about last night. Yes, it was definitely a mistake and I hoped that Sebastian agreed with me on that. I didn’t love him anymore. I was over him. I only wanted him as a friend. Suddenly my phone rang. It was a new message. It was Sebastian.

“Hey Eileen,

I read your note. Hope you didn’t have a stressful shift at work. Maybe you’re not so hangover like me but….wow, that was definitely too much alcohol last night :D So….well, I don’t want to make it awkward. Last night was wonderful. Maybe we should meet some day soon and talk about it….however, I will go to bed now, I’m so tired! Just call me if you want to meet again. Yrs, sncrly, Basti”

I chuckled when I read “Yrs, Sncrly” because it was one of our many insiders. Only me and Sebastian understood the meaning of it. But, oh well…Please not….I read the message all over again but the words didn’t change. He wanted to meet me again. Hopefully just as friends. But I had the strange feeling that he didn’t want to meet me as a friend. He wanted to talk about what happened last night. Well, I could tell him what happened. We drank too much, we started making out and because it was something familiar to us to make out when we’re drunk we went to my apartment and then it happened. Maybe we only did it because our bodies thought we were still in a relationship? If bodies could think without a brain. Oh Eileen, how stupid was that? Fact was: my ex didn’t see it as a mistake. He hoped that we could talk and figure it out. But that won’t happen. There won’t be any future of Eileen & Sebastian. That’s all I knew. I just had to figure out how to tell him.

“Vilma” I said to my dog. “Never hook up with your ex. It only causes you trouble! I mean, I already did it with Josh which was a huge mistake at that time and led in something casual I didn’t like. I mean, he even cheated on his girlfriend with me!” Vilma looked at me for a short amount of time but then she kept snooping. “Honestly Vilma, never do it! Oh and by the way, just because Daddy and Mommy shared a night together again in one bed, it doesn’t mean that we’re getting back together, okay? Sorry” I said and started laughing. What must other people think of me? The crazy dog lady who talks with to her dog as if Vilma would be a human being! “Whatever, I can’t recommend it because in the end you feel like a character of a really bad romantic comedy. But unlike the movies there is never a happy end in real life!”

______________________

The same day, in Lower Manhattan…

“When will you come back?” Emma asked me on the phone. “Well, as I said I’m meeting with a friend to make music here. Then we have a concert next week” “Who? Chili Peppers?” “No, Dot Hacker” “Oh right, you mentioned it, sorry” “So after that I think I’m coming home.” I told her. “Why are you asking? Is anything wrong with grandma? Did you two fight?” “No…nothing happened. It’s just that grandma doesn’t want to let me go to the Lady Gaga concert. My friend from school has tickets and her dad will accompany us….he would also drive me home! So he would totally take care of us. But she doesn’t let me go because it’s on a Thursday and she says that it’s too late because I have school the next day” I chuckled. It was so sweet to see that Emma started fighting to see her favourite musicians live. “When is it?” I asked her. “In November” “Okay….well, we will discuss it when I’m home okay?” “Really? Promise me that you won’t agree with her so I can go to the concert” “No….I won’t.” I assured her. “Like I said, we’ll talk about it when I’m home, okay?” “Ahhhww, thanks Josh!” Emma said happy. “Not for that….” ”Oh and tell me, could you get any vip tickets for the concert? I mean, do you know Lady Gaga?” “Emma” I laughed. “Just because I’m a musician it doesn’t mean that I know every famous musician in America” “Sorry, I just thought you met her once” “No, I’ve never met Lady Gaga but….let’s say I know some people who are working for her. So I can see what I can do” “REALLY???? Oh Josh that would be so great!!!!!” Emma almost freaked out. “Thank you so much! You’re the best! Hope you have fun in New York!” “Thank you, Emma” I chuckled. “Say grandma we’ll talk about it when I’m home okay?” “I will!” “So goodbye and don’t forget to make your homework!” “Already done!”

I said goodbye to her and put my phone into my pocket. Just in that moment someone approached me. It was a familiar voice but I couldn’t remember who it was.

“Josh, you’re here in New York?” a female voice said. I looked up and looked into the cold blue eyes of my ex girlfriend Chloe. No, this was a bad joke, wasn’t it? “How are you?” she asked me as if nothing happened. “Good, but I sure don’t know what this matters to you. The last time we saw each other you were really pissed at me” I said and reminded her of the one day we met on tour and all the bad things she said about me. “Well, it’s long ago” she grinned. “So, why are you here?” “I’m working” “Oh really? Making music?” “Yes….but I have to go now” I wanted to go but she stopped me. “But you’re still living in LA?” “I do” “Great….I moved to New York. Maybe you’ve heard of it” “No I haven’t” “Whatever” she laughed her fake laughter. “I’m filming here, you know. We’re already doing the seventh season of ‘The Perks of being a Californian’. It’s great here!” she said. “Oh great to hear” I faked a smile. “So….long time no see Josh” “Yes…” ”And are you alone in New York?” “Well….why do you ask?” “Just because I’m interested in my friends’ life” “I can’t remember calling you my friend, Chloe. Seriously” “Come on Josh” she grinned. “Okay, we fought and discussed a lot but….we’re friends don’t you think? At least we shared a bed together for a long time” “It wasn’t very long. Only five months” “Come one….but we were in love” “Hm….” “I still remember the time we were dating…” ”Chloe, honestly, this is so awkward. You were the one who called the tabloids to make photos of us because you wanted to get famous. And you did. Now you’re well known TV actress, so why are you still interested in my life?” “Because you’re my friend” she repeated. “I’m not. And you’re not my friend. We’re not friends. We’re just two people who hooked up and shared a few months together until you called the paparazzis and I ended it. That’s it. Can I go now?” “Josh….why are you so angry?” “Because you’re so annoying Chloe!” I finally told her. “I’m not interested in talking to you” “Don’t you want to know what’s going on in my life?” I shook my head. “I’m pregnant! I found a really cute guy who is an investment banker here in New York City and we just moved here to Manhattan. My baby will be born in four months and I couldn’t be happier!” “Well, congratulations. Now you found the right guy for you” “He is” she smiled all over her face. I think she didn’t understand my sarcasm. “So that’s it….my life is perfect now and what about you? Did you go back to that bitch Eileen?” WTF?

“I dare you to call Eileen a bitch!” I suddenly screamed at her. The people around us started looking at me. Oh, the angry guy who is screaming at a pregnant woman. Where is the police? Such a bad behavior, right? “It’s just the truth. You cheated on me with her, asshole!” Chloe screamed back. I had enough. I didn’t want to hear her shrill voice anymore. So I just left. I heard her screaming at me but I didn’t listen. This chapter was definitely over and today I couldn’t understand why I chose her over Eileen at that time. How stupid can a man be? ___________

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didiletyouknooow · 7 years

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59. Around The World

Hey,

I hope you had a great week! My week was a bit busy because I have so much stuff to do for university. But I tried to finish the new chapter. And since the last week was my birthday week I wrote a VERY LONG new chapter!

It took me some time to find the right spots for Eileen’s journey and the pictures. I really hope you like it because I do. And I wish I could do such a journey as well some day.

Now I hope you like the new chapter!

________

April 15th

Hello readers! I finally arrived in Bangkok! It was a hell of a flight and after landing I was so done with everything here. I didn’t even visit the city and was done – at least for day 1. After leaving the airport I took a cab to my hotel and fell into my bed. For my stay here in Bangkok I booked a hotel room but during my roadtrip I will sleep in hostels I guess.

On day 2 I did a typical sightseeing tour through Bangkok. What a big city! And I’m already done with the smog although I know smog from LA. So after asking the people in the hotel I decided to visit the Grand Palace in Bangkok, The Wat Phra Kaeo, the house of Buddha. Afterwards I went to the temple of the Reclining Buddha. I’m still totally overwhelmed by it. Something I’ve never seen before. The culture here in Thailand is so different to our American culture. Btw, surely I also visited the Temple of the Golden Buddha. I took two days to visit all of the great Buddha temple. Then I decided to visit the National Museum and the Wang Na Palace. Can you believe that until the 1970s this was Thailand’s only museum? I was so surprised to hear that! I did a guided tour in English and learned a lot about the history of the country.

What else to tell you about Bangkok? It’s a big city….okay I already mentioned it before. It’s so crowded. I definitely DON’T want to drive a car here. I think I wouldn’t survive. There are definitely places you shouldn’t go alone. I didn’t try any food on the street markets because I was afraid that my stomach wouldn’t like it. But Miranda, whom I met at the guided tour at the National Museum, did and she told me it was very tasty. Miranda is from Chicago and since she’s travelling also on her own, we decided to do some sightseeing activities in Bangkok together. We both liked the Lumpini Park with all its green oasis. When I was sitting there reading a book I didn’t think that I was in Bangkok. All the traffic, all the busy people were far away from me. I definitely want to go back to the Lumpini Park but since I only have three days left in Bangkok I have to make a logistic time schedule, haha.

So, this was my first blog post about my journey! I decided to start this blog so that my friends and family will always know where I am and can read what I experienced, saw and whom I met. Some family members may feel reassured when they can read what I’m doing here (hello mom!).

Thanks for reading!

I think I will do the next blog post when I have Wifi in a hostel somewhere in Thailand….well I hope there will be Wifi on an island.

ByeBye Eileen

April 28th

I just wanted to let you know: I’m still alive! In the last two weeks I traveled through Thailand together with Miranda. We make a great travel duo since we both have the same destinations. I don’t know where to start but Thailand is such a wonderful country. I like the nature. We flew to Ko Phi Phi, did a canoe trip, went to the beach, did a snorkeling trip. Afterwards we traveled to Phang Nga Bay and of course Phuket. Later on we wanted to visit the Smilian Islands but didn’t have time.

So we only did two more beach days and on our last day we visited a rescue center for elephants. Here are people who take care of elephants who had to work at a circus or in shows only to entertain people (mostly tourists). The animal tamer took their honor. It was really heartbreaking to visit this center because many of the elephants are very sick and weak. Anyway….I have some news for you: I changed my plans!

Miranda and I will fly to Tokyo in two days! After five weeks in Thailand I have to leave this wonderful country but I’m so looking forward to my next destinations!

I will keep you updated!

ByeBye Eileen

May 6th

Puuuuuhhhhhhh……Tokyo is confusing but the people here are so nice! Every time you are checking out where to go someone asks if you need help. Okay maybe we both looked totally confused by all these skyscrapers and crowded places and streets. I mean, I’m from LA and I know crowded places, crowded high ways and smog but Tokyo is a huuuuuuge difference. If you want to pass a crossroads you are doing it together with 200 other people. Honestly! But I really like the city. I love the food! I mean, for the first time in my life I had real sushi from Japan!

Miranda and I did all our trips together – just to avoid to get lost haha. She already visited Tokyo a few years ago so she knew some places but it was still very confusing. I mean, everything is so big!

Whatever….we went to the Roppongi Hills Tower and had a great view at the skyline of Tokyo. Although I’m totally afraid of heights I tried to enjoy it because it was really a beautiful view.

So after one week in Tokyo I’m finally on my way to Australia! I’m sooooo excited! I’m flying to Sydney and three days later my lovely brother Marc will join me!

But at the same time this is also a goodbye. Miranda and I have to part our ways. She has to fly back to Chicago because her journey is ending here in Tokyo. She already traveled through Canada, South America, Hawaii, Europe and Thailand. In nine months. That’s a long journey, isn’t it? I take my hat off to her because she did the whole journey on her own! I was the first person she met on her way and wanted to travel with. Honestly, I’m feeling a bit honored. Thank you for showing me around in Thailand and Tokyo, Miranda! I will miss you! Have a safe flight back home. We will definitely meet when I’m back in the States!

But now I have to leave to get to the airport. Little Eileen completely alone in the whole wide world!

ByeBye Eileen

_____

After landing in Sydney I needed a break. I was so sick and tired after arriving in Sydney. The flight did its best. I hated it. Did I ever mention that I’m afraid to fly? Why the hell did I even decide to travel the world?

I took a cab to the airbnb that I booked here. I was so happy that I didn’t book any hostel because I needed time for myself. I needed time to take care of myself. I needed time to rest. So after arriving at this beautiful airnbnb near the Bondi Beach I bought a pizza at the pizzeria near my apartment and went back to the apartment. After eating it I fell into an eleven hour lasting sleep. I needed it. The next day was very relaxing. I breakfasted at the balcony and read a whole book in the following five hours. Afterwards I needed a nap. I was so tired and jet lagged. But I was looking forward to tomorrow when my brother would arrive. Originally it was planned that I would stay on my own for ten days here in Sydney and maybe travel through the country for a few days but I changed my plans when Miranda asked me to come to Tokyo with her. I mean, what a crazy conversation it was:

Miranda: “I think it won’t be easy travelling solo after these two weeks with you here in Thailand” Me: “You’re going to Tokyo, right?” Miranda: “Yes”

She looked at me and suddenly said these words I was already expecting.

Miranda: “Um, what about joining me?” Me: “Well, I’ve already booked my flights for Sydney” Miranda: “Yeah but you can change them. I know some tricks” Me: “Really? And it isn’t too expensive?” Miranda: “No….”

So two hours later it was safe.

Me: “Wow, now I’m going to Tokyo with you” Miranda: “Life can be so easy when you’re spontaneous”

And she was right. It was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made! Going to Japan was great! What an experience. I was totally culture shocked but I love this city! I definitely want to go back some day.

It was a bit sad leaving Miranda behind. But Tokyo was her last destination. I mean, she already traveled the whole world I guess. It wasn’t her first world trip. She already traveled the world after leaving school. But this was fifteen years ago. For her nine months lasting trip she started last year she saved some money but she also makes money while being on the road. She’s a blogger and an IT expert and is working as a free lancer. I still don’t how the hell she is working as an IT free lancer but she had so many interesting stories to tell! I think it’s obvious that she was the one who created my blog. I mean, I don’t have any knowledge in IT.

In the evening I went to the beach and watched some surfers. I felt so old because these people here looked all so very young! But maybe it was only because of the fresh air and the sun? I had the feeling the people here didn’t have to go to work because they were surfing during the day and partying at night. I think my flat was in a typical party street because I saw a lot of party people on my way back home that night.

The next day was THE day. Marc’s flight finally landed. I counted the hours until I could hug my brother. I squeezed him so much that he almost couldn’t breathe. Sorry, brother! But I was so happy to see someone familiar. Although travelling with Miranda was a great experience and I also liked being on my own for a few days, I have to admit that I missed my family. And I missed my friends. I missed LA so much.

So when I put my arms around Marc it was like coming home for a few seconds. I closed my eyes and imagined to be at LAX. I always hugged my brother this way when either he or I arrived at LAX. “How was your flight?” I asked him. “The worst” he said and took his backpack. Marc was the perfect Australian backpack tourist. He just looked like a real surfer boy with his blonde hair. Okay, he even lived here for a few years and everything started as a backpacking trip so maybe it wasn’t that surprising that he looked like a real Aussie.

Back in our apartment we relaxed for a while and went to a restaurant afterwards. Marc looked tired but he kept me entertained. He always had a good story to tell. Surely he told me everything about his kids who grew up so fast during the last three years that I was living in Berlin. Oh my gosh, it was such a long time! “I can’t believe that Noel is already going to school!” “He is! And his favorite subject is Math!” “Whaaat? Are you really his dad?” I laughed out loud. “No one in the Puritz family likes Math. Never!” Marc and I shared a laugh and enjoyed our beer on our first night together in Sydney.

Our real journey started the next day with a trip through the city. We visited the Opera House, the Harbour Bridge, Darling Harbour and Royal Botanic Gardens. Since Marc was some kind of native here he showed me around and little Eileen was totally impressed by everything she saw this day.

Since it wasn’t that hot yet we went to the beach in the following days. While I was sunbathing Marc was reading or buying ice cream. He was such a good travel buddy! We both took a bath in the ocean and I even got a surf lesson. Sometimes it can be good to have a brother who was working here as a surf teacher for a few years. Marc was a real drill instructor! And I felt like the worst student ever. I just couldn’t do it. I was afraid to surf. But Marc did his best to teach me the basics during this week.

While we were on our way to the Great Barrier Reef I was typing my next blog post.

May 20th

Greetings from Down Under! Marc and I are having the time of our lives here – okay maybe only I’m having the time of my life since I’ve never been here before and Marc even lived here for two years. He’s not that impressed by Sydney anymore, like I am. But he’s happy to be back. Back where everything started. If he wouldn’t have traveled to Australia a few years ago, he wouldn’t have met his wife. Oh my, I’m getting emotional….I have to stop it!

So what did we do here? Of course Marc showed me around in Sydney. I love this city! It kind of reminds me of LA sometimes but then I’m hearing this British-Australian accent and I know I’m not in LA haha. We spent a lot of time at the Bondi Beach and I didn’t get any sunburn! See mom, I’m definitely an adult now.

Now we’re on our way to the Great Bareer Cliff. We’re doing a boat trip and we will stay in the area for a few days until our way leads us to the Uluru. I’m so excited to be in the outback already!

We’re already here for two weeks and we will stay another four weeks! Then we’ll travel to Hawaii. Marc wanted to go there. I wasn’t really planning to visit Hawaii but now I’m excited too (after googling the top spots haha). Then our journey will lead us to Argentina, Brazil, Venezuela and Mexico. Marc will travel with me to Argentina and Brazil but then I’m solo again. But who cares. It’s an exciting journey no matter if you’re with someone or totally on your own!

I will write again when we’re back in Sydney in one week!

ByeBye Eileen

______

“Wow what a long car trip” I said exhausted and fell to the bed. We were finally back in Sydney after a trip through the outback for eight days. Marc rent a jeep and so we started our way through the “pampa” as Lara would call it. The great Australian outback. I really liked the outback. The nature was so impressive. We even visited a national park and yes, I saw some kangaroos. Such cute animals.

But I was happy to be back in the city again. It was very hot here in Sydney so I didn’t want to go outside the next day. More than 40 degrees. Urgh.

I stayed at home while Marc got up very early to go surfing early in the morning when it wasn’t that hot yet. I preferred staying in bed the whole day. Okay not the whole day. Maybe it was the first day during my whole journey that I didn’t want to do anything. Just relaxing. I noticed while travelling that I’m not a typical chilling-traveller. Just lying in bed all day, reading, relaxing or maybe some Netflix was fine but I could do that at home as well, right? So I got up every day to get out of the house, to do something. I wanted to see something, watch people, eat delicious food, talk to people, take a walk, enjoy the culture and explore new places. I think I was a very annoying travel buddy because I needed action all the time.

But today I didn’t want to. I just laid here in my bed and got up at 11am to take a shower. Suddenly I heard the door knocking. Okay, um, who did want to visit us? I didn’t know anyone here except of Marc and he definitely took his keys with him this morning because they weren’t on the key board. But what if he lost it?

I left the shower and went to the door half naked – just a towel covered the most important parts of my body – because I thought that it was Marc who knocked. But I was wrong. There was a guy standing in front of me. Um, well….fuck. “Hey Eileen” he said. Okay, the guy knew my name. That was creepy! He looked at me and I searched in my brain for any information about this guy. Maybe I knew him as well but didn’t remember him?

Suddenly I realized who he was. “Ben!” I said surprised. “You needed some time to remember my name, right?” he laughed. “Um, yes, sorry” “Not about that” I grinned. “Um, is Marc here?” he asked. Okay, Ben knew that Marc was here. But he obviously didn’t know that Marc was out for surfing – or Marc forgot that he invited Ben? Why was Ben even here? He was from Germany! “Marc is surfing at the beach” I told Ben. “Oh okay” Ben said. “I thought he’s here. He told me the address where you two would stay so I thought I’m coming over” “But I bet he’s back in two hours.” I told him. Ben didn’t really answer me so I asked him why he was here in Down Under. “I’m travelling. I needed a break” “Oh just like me” I laughed. “Well, do you want to come in?” “Sure” he said and followed me insides. I felt so stupid in my towel that was so short he could almost see my butt... “Um, take a seat, I’m just….I’m looking for some clothes” I told him. “Do it” he grinned and went into the kitchen.

I ran into the bathroom and almost fell down while taking on my jeans. It was too tight. I hated it. I hated my thighs and these skinny jeans. Who created this trend? And why did I even like these pants????

Back in the kitchen I saw that Ben was looking at my computer. My blogdomain was opened because I was writing a little bit before showering. “Sorry, I didn’t do anything here. I just read a bit” he said. “It’s okay” I said. Okay, it was a bit weird that I caught him reading at my computer. But I think he felt more embarrassed and caught that I felt when I opened the door half naked. “So, how are you?” I wondered. “We haven’t seen each other in years” The last time I saw him was seven years ago.

“Great” he grinned and started telling me about his past years when he was still working on music. He recorded a few records and released them and even toured through Germany but that’s it “And I heard you dated Sebastian” he suddenly said. “Um, yes I did. We were dating for three years” “Such a long time. And you survived it that the band became famous in such a short time” “Well, I get used to it” I joked. “I already knew the feeling of being the girlfriend of a guitar player” “Oh right, Marc told me….this Red Hot Chili Peppers guy, right?” “Yep” “How did that end?” “Well, first he broke up, we got back together and then I broke up. That’s it” “Doesn’t sound that romantic” “It was….but…..he was so busy, I didn’t want to live this lifestyle anymore. A lot happened during that time” “Hm….” ”What about you? Your girlfriend?” “She cheated on me” “What?” “Yes…” ”I’m sorry about that….” I said. “It’s okay” “So that’s the reason why you needed a break?” Ben nodded.

We sat down at the balcony and proceeded chatting. Ben was such a cool and funny guy. But he was also very emotional and thoughtful. Although I didn’t really like the music he did I like talking to him. I could understand that Marc like him so much. They even shared an apartment when Marc was living in Berlin for a while almost ten years ago. “So Marc is a father of two now….wow” Ben said when I was showing him photos of my niece and my nephew” “He is” I smiled happy. “And he met the girl here in Australia?” “Yes….she’s American but she visited his surf curs and well….they met afterwards” I laughed. “Funny story” Ben agreed.

Speaking of Marc. He just came home. I heard the door opening.

“What the fuck maaaaan” was the first thing he said when he saw Ben. The two shared a typical buddy hug – and it lasted very long! While Marc and Ben couldn’t stop talking I decided to write a little bit more for my next blog post but couldn’t find a mood to write. “Hey sis, do you want to eat something? We want to go to the best burger restaurant at Bondi Beach?” Marc asked me. “Sure, why not”

After having the best burger in Sydney we enjoyed our beer at the beach. Sometimes my brother had the best ideas ever. “Life can be so easy” I said. “Just go to the beach with a bottle of beer and watch the sunset” I said. “It is” Ben smiled at me. Suddenly a group of guys approached us. It turned out that Marc knew these guys from the surfing club. He started talking to them and later they asked him if he wants to join them to go partying. He didn’t know if he should agree but I could see in his eyes that he wanted to go partying so bad. “Go!” I told him and laughed. “Sure? Can I let you two alone here?” “We’re old enough” I rolled my eyes. Marc looked at Ben. “I take care of her” he assured him.

So Marc left together with the surfing guys and let me alone with Ben at the beach. The sun was already going down. Honestly, it was a really beautiful moment but it felt a bit weird to share it with someone I barely knew. “Doesn’t it look beautiful?” Ben asked into the silence and pointed at the sky. “It does!” “Hey, what about a walk at the beach?” “Sure!” So we walked at the beach. It wasn’t as awkward as I thought it would be. Ben wasn’t flirty or weird at all. Maybe I was the one who questioned the whole situation because I found myself looking at Ben wondering how cute he was. Wtf? Did I just say that I thought my brother’s mate was cute? Oh well….

Ben brought me back home safety. “Hey um, what are you doing tomorrow?” “Probably packing my backs because we have to catch the flight to Hawaii in two days” “Wow….what a great explanation” Ben laughed. “I never asked a woman what she’s going to do the next day and she answers ‘I’m packing my bags for Hawaii’” “See, now it happened” I grinned. “But what about visiting a theme park tomorrow?” “Um” I was a bit overwhelmed by his question. “A theme park?” “Yes….unless you’re not really into roller coasters” “Depends” I laughed. “So…do you want to go?” “Sure….when?” “I will pick you up at 9am” “Okay, cool” I smiled. “Cool” Ben smiled, hugged me goodbye and turned around. Okay, why was I grinning after closing the door?

The next day started very early because I really had to pack my bag before heading to the theme park with Ben. I was afraid that I couldn’t have time for it tonight because Marc and I wanted to go out for dinner one last time here in Australia. Ben took me to a vintage theme park where many of the roller coasters were from the 60s. I liked the atmosphere here. We could even walk to the ocean because the theme park was directly placed at the ocean. I liked this place so much. I liked Australia so much. And I liked this day. Ben and I laughed a lot and we never went out of topics to talk about. He was very talkactive lately and so was I.

He didn’t force me to drive a roller coaster I didn’t want to. When he wanted to drive one I didn’t want to I just waited for him outside. Afterwards he bought us ice cream. Oh well, I felt like a teenager. I was grinning and laughing and totally forgot about the time. Suddenly Ben took my hand while we were walking through the park. Okay, what happened here? But although I was questioning it I didn’t stop it. I let him hold my hand because I….liked it? Did I really like it? When we were doing a short break on a bench from where you we had a great view at the ocean he looked at me. He was so close. I felt very nervous because I didn’t know what was happening here. I didn’t want to date any guy – this was my mantra for my journey! “No guys!” – Not for a date, not for a kiss, not for holding hands and not for anything more.

But now that I was sitting here with Ben I totally forgot about my philosophy.

When I was looking into these blue eyes I forgot everything. I looked at his tattooed arms and suddenly he turned my head so I looked back into his eyes and then he kissed me.

“What are we doing here?” I asked after many kisses we shared. “Um, kissing?” “Yes but why?” “Because I wanted to….I hope you wanted it too?” “I did!” I smiled and kissed him again. “But” I kept talking. “Why the hell did I have to kiss a friend of my brother in Down Under?” “That’s just life” Ben grinned. “Well….” My phone was ringing. I didn’t want to take it but Ben told me to take it because it could be Marc. And he was right. “Eileen, where are you? I’m waiting at the restaurant outside”

OH FUCK!

“I really have to go now” I told Ben in a hurry. “I totally forgot that Marc and I wanted to have dinner tonight” “Should I drive you?” Ben asked. “I don’t know….I don’t want him to know that….” ”We spent the day together?” Ben laughed. I nodded. “Don’t worry about that” he told me and we got into the car.

When Ben and I arrived at the restaurant Marc was looking at us with a weird and questioning face. “Where were you?” “Um, we were just in this theme park and Ben drove me here….sorry I forgot that…” ”Whatever, let’s get in. And please mate, join us” Marc told us and clapped his buddy on the shoulder.

I noticed that Marc was watching Ben and me and I guess it was obvious that we both behaved a bit weird. One hour ago we were still sitting at this bench kissing and now we pretended that nothing happened. “How’s your steak?” Marc asked me. “Excellent!” I answered him. He didn’t look convinced. “So tomorrow we have to leave the airbnb at 10am to get to the airport. We’ll arrive in Hawaii at night.” “Oh okay….and you booked another airbnb right?” I asked Marc. He was looking at Ben who seemed very nervous in front of Marc. It was quite funny to watch – if I wouldn’t feel the same because it was so obvious that something happened between Ben and me. But Marc didn’t say anything. “Yes” he answered to my question. “We have an airbnb in Honolulu” he said without stopping to look at Ben. “Does anyone want to have a desert?” my brother asked. Ben and I shook our heads. “Good, I’m going home now because I’m very tired. Eileen, do you want to come with me or do you stay here with Ben?” Wow, why did my brother always ask the most embarrassing and difficult questions? I didn’t know how to answer because I didn’t know if it was a rhetorical question or not. Maybe he already realized what happened between Ben and me and he wanted to see my reaction to his question? But Marc’s phone rang and he left. “Whatever, I’m leaving, Ben you take her home safety, okay?” my brother told his mate.

“Wow, that was super weird” I said to Ben when Marc has left. “It was” he agreed with me. We paid the bill and went to the beach. I wanted to spent my last night here in Australia at the beach. Ben and I were very chill about the whole situation now. We both agreed that it was just a nice day and a few kisses that happened – nothing more. “Wow, I can’t believe that I will sit at another beach in 24 hours but then in Hawaii” “I can’t believe it either” Ben said. We were sitting in the sand that got colder in the evening. “Why do you have to leave?” He asked me. “Because that’s my trip. I planned it” “Why don’t you stay for a little while? We can do a trip in the outback” he suggested. “Well, I already did it with my brother last week” “I know” he seemed a bit sad. But suddenly he started tickling me. “Oh no Ben, please stop” I laughed. “No” he grinned. He kept doing it until I laid down in the sand. When Ben was laying on top of me we looked into each others eyes. It felt like an eternity for while. Like no one else was here. Maybe there weren’t any people here at the beach at night but….

We kissed again but this time it was more passionate and even a bit wild. When I rolled on top I realized how annoying the sand was. “Can we please go to a place without sand?” I asked laughing and knocked off the sand from my clothes. “We can” Ben grinned and we went to his car.

Back in his car we kept kissing before he started driving it to his apartment. We couldn’t keep our hands off each other. I didn’t know why but I wanted this. I wanted it so badly. When we were finally in his apartment everything happened very fast. We kept kissing and took off our clothes on our way to his bedroom.

I felt his kisses everywhere and I just wanted to move on. I always kept in my mind that I had to get up early to catch the flight. Seemed like Ben noticed my worries. “Stop thinking, okay?” he told me and then kissed me very emotional. Wow, I never experienced such an emotional kiss. And I wasn’t even in love! It didn’t feel like making love but it definitely felt good. Ben wasn’t a stranger I just met. He was a friend from Marc and I already knew him before. I think I still didn’t want to hook up with strangers again after this night in New Orleans a few years ago. “I can’t believe I slept with my friend’s sister” Ben started to laugh when we were lying in his bed. “Don’t say it out loud” I warned him. “Sorry….but it’s just a weird story. I mean, I came here to forget my ex. And now I ended up in bed with you….crazy story” “That’s right….” I said. “But I really liked it….I hope you did enjoy it too!” “Oh I did” “I heard it” he grinned. “Sorry” “It’s okay….I’m a stranger here. My neighbors don’t know me” “Good” “But….you don’t tell Marc, do you?” “I wont” I promised. “It would be very weird” “Oh yes it would” “I don’t want to sleep now” I told him. “Why?” “Because then I can’t look into these perfect blue eyes” “Oh stop being so flattering” he grinned. “Sorry, just the truth!” I let him know. “I can be very flattering and cheesy too” “Really?” “Yes!” “Tell me!” “I once wrote a song that started with ‘They’re making babies, we’re making love’. What do you say now?” “Okay….that sounds VERY cheesy” I laughed. “Did you write it for your ex?” “Yes…when we were still dating” “Hm….” I didn’t know what to say. “Are you over it?” “Not yet….please don’t think I just used you to forget her. I didn’t. I really like you and thought you’re cute….I liked this night we have but…” ”Everything stays in Down Under, I understand” I responded. “I think the same. It was a great night but I have to sleep now because I have to catch a flight to Hawaii tomorrow” “Please don’t mention Hawaii that often” Ben rolled his eyes. I boxed him into his stomach and laughed. “I have to sleep now so goodnight German dude” “Nightynight” he grinned and kissed me one last time.

I woke up at 7am. Ben drove me back to my apartment. We shared one last kiss until I wanted to left his car. But he pulled me back. “Just one selfie okay?” he asked me. “Um, okay why not” “I want to collect my memories from….” ”….from all the one night stands you have here” I joked. “No” he looked at me with a serious face. “I just want to collect memories from my holiday here and you’re one of them” “Oh…..don’t be cheesy” “sorry” So he took the picture and then we shared the very last kiss until I left his car. I waved back at him until I opened the door and disappaeard in the house.

When I opened the door of the apartment – I really tried to be carefully and quiet – Marc was standing in the kitchen looking at me as if I would be an alien. “Don’t tell me you hook up with Ben” were the first words he asked me. Wow. He was super mad at me I guess. “Um, why?” “Because I know you did….you didn’t come home last night. You spent your whole day with him yesterday….Eileen, why?” “Why not? I’m 34 years old. He’s 35 years old. I guess we’re old enough, don’t you think?” “Yes but….he’s my friend!” “Well, you two didn’t see each other in years!” “Yes but…he’s still a friend of mine and I find it weird to know that one of my friends fucked my little sister the whole night” “MARC!” I stopped him. I didn’t want to hear his words. “It’s just the truth. I don’t want to imagine what you two did last night!” “Then just stop caring about it. We just had fun, that’s it” “He’s a hooker” “Marc, honestly stop talking like that about a friend of yours. Ben is a nice guy and he actually traveled to Australia to forget about his ex with whom he even was engaged but who cheated on him. So who’s the hooker, hm?” “Eileen, I just want to take care of you. I don’t want you to get hurt” “Marc, honestly, I’m old enough to know what’s good for me and when I want to have fun with a friend of yours, I’m going to do it, okay? Stop acting like I’m still 18!” I told him in an angry voice. “Then stop messing around with guys like him” “He’s a cool and nice guy okay?” “Whatever” Marc shook his head and went back to his room to pack his bag. I did the same. We didn’t talk with each other until landing in Hawaii.

June 4th

Hello from HAWAII! What a great greeting haha. I always wanted to do it. I never thought I would visit this beautiful US State. I LOVE the landscape, the nature, the beaches, the ocean….I just love Hawaii. I think I never want to leave it. But I have to.

We’re here for one week now and we only have three days left. Since it was a very spontaneous decision to travel to Hawaii and we got very cheap flight tickets we decided to do it. Marc always wanted to go to Hawaii some day. When he was a little kid he always asked our parents when we will go to Hawaii for the holidays. But my parents always had to disappoint him because our family never traveled to Hawaii.

But 38 years later he finally arrived here. Marc surfed and just enjoyed the ocean and the beach while I was sunbathing and eating as many coco nuts as I could. Oh I love it! Hey mom, we’re having the best time of our lives! Hope you’re all fine!

After a being in a bad mood during our flight to Hawaii where Marc and I didn’t talk with each other – I won’t mention the reason, I just tell you that Marc is a little diva sometimes – we finally get along very well again. We visited some vulcanos, many beaches, looked at palm trees, did a boat trip and I watched Marc surfing. We’re still looking for the best burger restaurant in Honolulu – we’re having three days left to find it!

So, stay safe. I will write again when we’re landed in Brazil!

ByeBye Eileen

June 10th

Wow, I’m so tired. I think I’ve never been so tired in my life. After 21 hours of flying we finally landed in Lima, Peru. Originally we wanted to fly to Argentina but the tickets were too expensive. So we decided to fly to Peru. We were staying here for two days until we went to a journey to Machu Picchu. IT WAS THE BEST IDEA I EVER HAD ON THIS JOURNEY! Okay, I think I already mentioned it. But it was definitely the best idea I ever had on this journey. How could I travel to South America but don’t think about visiting Machu Picchu? It was such a great experience. You feel like in a total parallel universe when you arrive there. The nature is just wonderful. I can’t find words to describe it!

It was pure nature and I never felt so free in my life.

We’re about to catch a flight to Rio in a few hours. I don’t want to. I’m still jet lagged from the flight to Peru but well…that’s the negative side of the journey, right?

So I’m writing you again when we’re landed safety in Brazil.

Happy Birthday Mom!!!! Best wishes from Marc and Me!

ByeBye Eileen

June 25th

Today I’m writing directly from the beach. But not any beach, no, I’m actually sitting under a sunshade at the COPACABANA! Yes, you read it right. I’m at the Copacabana right now. Marc and I arrived here a few days ago. We already visited the statue of Christ, the Copacabana and Ipanema, the Nationalpark Tijuca in the rain forest. We also went to Santa Teresa, the sugar leaf (yes I overcame my fear of heights!) and we watched boys playing football in the streets. We even went to the Carragas Islands and I think I never saw such a wonderful ocean.

I had a lot of cocktails – of course Caipirihna! - and ate so much tasty food! I love Brazil! I went to a lot of museums and even drove into places and districts that aren’t that touristic. But Mom, don’t be afraid. I met so many nice people. If you would leave LA then you would notice that the world isn’t a scary and unsafe place. Actually, it is a wonderful place. I think I never felt so good and relaxed than here in Brazil.

We’re already staying here for ten days and we have two days ahead. But then Marc and I have to say goodbye to each other because my brother has to go back to LA. After six weeks of travelling with him I will definitely miss it to see his snoring face every morning and watch him surfing. I will miss his strong will to find the best burger restaurant in every city we’re staying (we already found it here haha). Marc, thank you for joining me and sorry that I can be such a spoiled brat sometimes.

I will miss you!

Sorry readers for getting a little bit emotional here….but I had to.

My next destination will be Venezuela. I will leave Rio in three days and will stay there for ten days. Afterwards I will travel to Mexico and then back to California.

I’m excited and looking forward to another six weeks of travelling. This time I’m totally on my own and it will be the longest time ever that I will be travelling alone. I’m excited!

If you’re in Venezuela or Mexico or so….don’t be afraid to join me haha.

I will update again after arriving in Caracas, Venezuela!

ByeBye Eileen

July 14th

Sorry that I haven’t updated yet but I needed some time offline. I explored so many great places during the past two weeks. I decided to travel through Venezuela for a little bit longer because it’s such a beautiful country!

I visited the National Park Canaima and watched the tallest waterfall in the world! Can you believe it? Wow, I was so impressed by it! I can’t find words to describe it. I hope my pictures can show you how impressing this waterfall is! You should definitely visit it one day. And did you know that it was the inspiration for “Avatar”? I still never watched this movie but I was told that it was the inspiration for it. So obviously even James Cameron visited this beautiful piece of earth.

Do you remember I mentioned that I loved the Copacabana? Well, sorry Brazil….but I think you lost your pole position to Los Roques! It’s an archipelagic Island 170 kilometers away from Caracas. It’s in the middle of the Caribbean sea and I just fell in love with it! Wow….I didn’t know that such beauty exists in the world. I stayed there for a while and just enjoyed it.

Being on my own wasn’t very lame or boring. It was quite the contrary! I was always busy because I noticed that I’m a traveler who needs action. I always want to see something, go to a special place….I think I already mentioned it before. So I was very busy in Venezuela but I also enjoyed the silence here.

After enjoying the silence I needed some action again….so I went to Mérida to drive with the highest and second longest cable car in the world!

Did I ever mention that I’m afraid of heights? Well, I did. But I wanted to visit it so badly. So I just forgot about my fear and just did it. You know, sometimes you should just do it!

So I did and although I was a bit shaking when arriving on top of it, I could enjoy the view. Wow. Thank you for this beauty, mother nature.

My last destination in Venezuela was Caracas. I heard a lot about this city and I really did take care. I went to the Galería de Arte Nacional and found the best burger restaurant again. Marc, honestly, this was the second best burger on my journey!

I’m now in my hotel room packing my bag. I will leave Caracas tomorrow morning. I’m excited and happy. Venezuela was the first country I totally visited on my own. I don’t want to say that travelling on my own was better but I experienced so much and I appreciated everything a little bit more. I’m just happy that I’m able to do this journey.

So, goodbye for now. I will update again when I’m in Mexico.

ByeBye Eileen

______

It was 8am in the morning and it was my third day in Mexico. Yesterday I visited the Teotihuacán Pyramid. It was impressing! I made a lot of pictures but it also was the first day on my journey that I didn’t feel like doing anything. I only went to the pyramid because I didn’t want to spent the whole day in my hotel room. I guess for the first time on my journey I felt totally alone and lonely.

After going back to my hotel I went to have dinner in the evening. I didn’t really enjoy it. I didn’t really enjoy anything here.

July 20th

I just want to give you a short update. I’m still alive and I’m in Mexico right now. I didn’t have a good start here. Mexico City isn’t my thing so I decided to check out of my hotel room and took a prior flight to Tulum as planned. I visited the Maya ruins and just enjoyed my day there. The weather was better, the fresh air was way better than in Mexico City and I just felt better here. Of course I went to the beach as well.

But although I did have a good time here I didn’t feel well.

Maybe that’s something everyone is experiencing on a longer joroueny. I don’t know. I just wanted to let you know, that I’m fine. I will do a longer update when I’m in a better mood.

ByeBye Eileen

______________

After dinner I went back to the beach and just sat down in the sand. I watched the ocean and thought about my whole journey and about my whole life.

Now I was almost 35 and I quit my job. I probably have a doctor’s degree but what does it mean? I have to find a job when I’m back home. Again. My whole life was made of job hunting. For almost ten years now. I was so sick of it. I finally wanted to find a job I could stay in. But maybe that was the problem of my generation. I knew that I wouldn’t stay in my first job my whole life just like my parents did – if they wouldn’t have moved to the States. But even then they found a job and never changed it. Now my both parents were pensioners and they loved it. But what about me? Only three weeks to go and then I would be back home in LA. Of course, I missed my home. I lived in Berlin for three years and only visited LA a couple of times during that time. I missed my parents, my friends, everyone who lived there whom I loved.

And suddenly I thought of Josh. It was the first time during my journey that I was thinking of him. Mostly I was thinking of Sebastian but right now there was Josh on my mind. I wondered what he was doing now. If he was still with Helen and if he was happy with her? I didn’t hear from him in a while. We didn’t really stay in contact. Especially after this confusing situation in New York in February it would feel weird to text or even to call him. I don’t know if I really broke up with Sebastian because I thought about Josh too much. Maybe. I think only my heart knows the answer but it didn’t tell me yet. I had to figure it out. Fact was that I was wondering what he was doing now. Maybe they were on tour again, I didn’t know. Maybe he was on vacation with Helen and her daughter. I still couldn’t believe that he really moved in with them. It was so not Josh. It wasn’t him. He must really love Helen if he moved in with her so early in the relationship. Maybe he found his love? But what about me….did I lost my love? But which of my two big loves? Both?

Suddenly there was a thought in my mind I couldn’t stop thinking about. What if….what if he and Helen were having a baby soon? I mean, she already had a daughter. I bet she was ready to start a family with him. And he was 40 years old….he should be ready. Right? I noticed a weird feeling down in my stomach. It felt totally unreal to think about Josh being a father. A real father. Not just a step father. I imagined how he would hold the newborn baby in his hands and….I had to puke.

I felt a bit embarrassed and checked if someone saw it. I wasn’t alone at the beach. Here were many tourists and especially couples in love who were watching the sunrise. But I guess no one noticed it.’ But why did I react like that while thinking about Josh becoming a father? I didn’t know.

What I knew was that I felt so sad suddenly. I felt like someone pulled out my heart and smashed it into pieces. But why did I felt like this? Why did I feel so alone and lonely? And then I knew.

I missed my baby.

I missed this unborn child who would have turn four in November. The tears were streaming down my face. I cried and cried and even screamed. It was the first time ever that I really realized that I lost my baby. Since the accident happened and the doctors told me, I never really thought about it. I just accepted it. While Josh was suffering so much I was just done with it and moved on. I was totally unemotional about it. But now that I was sitting at a Mexican beach totally on my own I realized what I really lost. I lost my baby. And I had to travel around the world to realize it. I only spent eleven weeks with it. And it wasn’t even born. What a tragedy. Mother nature, why are you so cruel? You can make such beautiful landscapes and wonders but….why are you so cruel to some people in the world? What did we do to you?

I wondered if Josh was over it. It was four years ago….he should be over it. If he ever wondered what our child would have been like? If it would have been a boy or a girl? It would attend the school in two years….I could be a mother of an almost four year old child now. And Josh would be the father. Even if we would have broken up in the meantime we would still be connected through our child. Forever. But now I was sitting here alone in Mexico, wondering about my life while Josh was probably happy with another woman.

The question was….did I even want to share my life again with Josh? Or maybe with Sebastian? I thought about him as well. I loved him. And I missed him throughout my whole journey. I didn’t want to tell myself that I was missing Sebastian so badly but the truth was – I did. I thought about him more than about Josh.

And now there was this question on my mind: Can you really have two loves of your life? And can you really lose both of them?

I had the feeling that I had to do something. I had to change my situation right now. I thought about calling Josh. But I was afraid. What if he was still with Helen? There was no sign that they broke up. Molly didn’t tell me anything because I told her before my journey that she shouldn’t tell me about Josh. I wanted to forget him. Maybe there were news, who knew. But I felt bad for asking her because her mother was sick again and I didn’t want to annoy my friend with such a stupid question. So I thought about calling Josh. I mean, why not? I shouldn’t care, right? I just wanted to know how he was doing. Maybe we would have a nice talk and then I would hang up and go back to my hotel room. And that’s it. I was nervous when I called his number and the seconds until he picked up the phone felt like an eternity. But it wasn’t him that picked up the phone. There was a girl speaking. “Hello?” she was asking. I was shocked. First I thought that it could have been a new girl he hooked up with but it wasn’t. “Hello, here’s Emma. Josh is showering. Should I tell him something? Who is there?” she said.

And I hung up.

Emma was picking up his phone. Emma, the daughter of his girlfriend Helen. So I assumed that he was still living with Helen and Emma. I mean, why should Emma pick up the phone if Josh and Helen would have broken up? It didn’t make sense.

So I called Sebastian.

______

August 12th

WELCOME TO CALIFORNIA!

I can’t believe I did it! I’m back home now! We just arrived in LA! On my last weeks Sebastian joined me and we had the craziest road trip I ever did! We drove from Mexico to California.

First we stopped in San Diego to do a short stop at the Comic Con - you know, Sebastian is a huuuuuge comic fan. While I’m only knowing about this Comic Con because I adored Seth Cohen from The O.C. so much. I’ve never seen so many crazy covered people on the streets. No matter where you go, there is always a Spiderman or Joker. Whatever.

After spending a few days in San Diego we drove Newport Beach! The home of The O.C. The TV show obviously chased us. I love the beaches in Newport Beach! We spent most of the time at the beach, had cocktails and even found another great burger restaurant.

I definitely have to go back to Newport Beach some day! It’s not that far away from LA, right? So after spending a few chilling days at the beach we drove to San Bernardino to drive back home and make a short trip on the Route 66!

Freedom. I just felt free.

So after three weeks of road tripping we finally saw a sign. The LA sign at the streets.

Welcome back home.

I even cried a bit after seeing it.

I’m finally back home. After living in Berlin for three years and travelling the world for four more months.

Hello back California, my old friend <3

Hello again, LA, City of Angels.

THE END OF MY JOURNEY

______

“I can’t believe we’re finally in LA!” Sebastian said after pointing at the big sign in front of us that said “Welcome to the City of Los Angeles”. I felt home. I couldn’t believe it. After almost four years of living abroad and four months of travelling the world afterwards I came finally home. I started to cry. “Such an emotional moment, hm?” Sebastian asked me. I was so glad that he was driving because I wouldn’t be in the mood for it. “Yes” I sobbed.

After I called Sebastian three weeks ago we talked for hours and hours on the phone. We both realized that we missed each other so much. He decided to come to Mexico. I was totally overwhelmed by his decision but I also felt happy to know that I would see him again very soon. Two days later he landed and after one day in Mexico City we rent a car and did a road trip through Mexico and California.

We traveled as friends. Nothing happened. We had many long talks at night, watched the sunrise and the sunset and had breakfast at the beach. We stopped at very lonely places and realized the beauty of these places.

I didn’t know if I was still loving Sebastian. But right now I was happy that he was here with me.

We knocked at my parents house and of course my mom started to cry when she saw me. They didn’t expect me to come because I didn’t tell them. I wanted it to be a surprise. We hugged for such a long time and afterwards my mom cooked her perfect Bolognese and I told them everything about my journey. Of course they were both surprised that I wasn’t alone and that Sebastian was with me because they thought it was over. But I guess they noticed that we were only here as friends.

Later that night – Sebastian already fell asleep in the guest room – my mother and I shared a bottle of wine. “Eileen, I’m so happy that you’re back in LA. I hope that this time you stay.” She said. “I hope so too. I mean, I want to. I figured out on my journey that I don’t want to live that far away anymore. At least not abroad” “Didn’t you say your former boss has a job for you?” “Hm….yes, but I don’t know this is what I want to do.” “Teaching? At university? I thought you love it? You did your PhD!” “I know….I did. But you know, this life as a teacher at university isn’t easy. You have to publish every once in a while because otherwise you lost your job. I don’t know if I can stand the pressure. I don’t want to….to be honest. I’m 34, I just want to have a job and enjoy my life. Without pressure. Maybe I try to find a job as a writer and journalist. I mean, I already worked for newspapers before moving to Berlin a few years ago. I love writing. When I was writing for my blogpost I realized how much I love writing” “Hm….but isn’t this business a shark tank?” “Mom” I rolled my eyes. “It’s a normal business” “But it isn’t easy” “It isn’t easy to be a teacher as well. At least not at a university” “Hm….sweetheart, why do you always choose the difficult way?” “I don’t know….I think I like it” I laughed. “Speaking of life decisions….what about Sebastian? Did you get back together?” “No” I answered directly. “We didn’t. He just accompanied me. He flew to Mexico and we talked for a long time. I told him that I have to figure it out where I want to live but it won’t be Berlin. He won’t move to LA. So it’s a difficult situation” “Hm…but do you still love him?” “I don’t know” I sighed. “Maybe…..” then I said a few words my mom didn’t want to hear. “In the last weeks I even started thinking of Josh” “Oh no honey” my mom responded. “I thought the Josh chapter is closed?” “Yes it is….I just started thinking of him. I mean, he has a girlfriend….” ”Oh no he hasn’t” my mom suddenly said. Wait. What? How did my mother know?

“He hasn’t?” I checked to see that she definitely told me these information and she didn’t make a joke. “Yes, he’s single. Marc told me. He met him last week in Malibu where Marc went surfing.” “What did Josh do in Malibu? He hates surfing” “I think he visited a friend” “Hm….and he told Marc that he’s single? Why do guys talk about it?” “I don’t know….I think Marc just asked if he’s in Malibu with his girlfriend….whats her name? Helena?” “Helen” “Yes, and Josh replied that they broke up and he’s just visiting a friend” “Wow….okay” “You didn’t know it?” my mother was surprised. “You’re the queen of gossip and social media stalking!” “Yes but….I traveled the world during the last months and didn’t have much Wifi. And to be honest, I didn’t want to waste my time with stalking my ex on Facebook” “That’s my girl” my mom laughed. “Oh but I just read an interview with him where he is speaking very openly about the new Dot Hacker record. It was very interesting” “Who is now the stalker?” I laughed. “You know I like his music but I didn’t get along with Josh very well” “Whatever….if he’s single or not. I don’t care anymore….I don’t want to” “He’s a musician. Why not choosing someone you can trust?” “Sebastian is also a musician. And I trusted both of them” “Yes but Sebastian isn’t playing in such a huge band….maybe there aren’t opportunities” “Mom” I laughed. “Do you know how many teenage fans Sebastian’s band has in Germany?” “Okay, okay…..” she sighed. “Why do you always have to fall for musicians?” “Maybe it’s in my genes” I looked at her. I knew that before meeting my father my mom dated a semi famous rockstar from Germany. I don’t know his name but he’s originally from Bulgaria but became very famous with singing romantic songs in German in the 1970s. “Whatever, you’ll find your way” my mother was sure. “And I’m sure that some day I’m going to be a grandma again” “Who knows….” I said.

Later that night when I was lying in my bed I wanted to resist but couldn’t. I opened my notebook and searched for the interview my mom was stalking about. It was from August. So very recent. Just two weeks ago.

Josh is talking to LA radio reporter about the past Chili Peppers tour and his new record he did with Dot Hacker. I wondered when he had time for doing that. But he obviously had. The reporter asked him very detailed about some of the songs and Josh is giving an answer that shocked me in a way.

LA RADIO: So let’s talk about the new Dot Hacker record. There are a few songs on it that are very heavy. Not very typical for Dot Hacker. How did these songs come together? Josh: “Well, I had these riffs in my mind and I played them every time I was jamming on my own in my music room. I wanted to bring them on a record. When I played them for the first time in our rehearsal room the fellows reacted very positive and they really liked the song. So we recorded the first one and the other two followed. I like the idea that we changed our sound a little bit”

LA RADIO: You’re almost screaming a whole song long Josh (laughs): “I know. I hope no one hates me for doing it. But I just had the feeling I had to. There were a couple of things happening in my life and I just wanted to scream it out”

LA RADIO: What happened? Josh: “Let’s say, I did a couple of bad decisions in life. I messed around for a while and I’m not proud of it. But I guess that’s something that comes over you if you’re in the business for too long. I needed a break and I’m honestly very happy that the Chilis are on a break now. I know the fans are a bit mad about it but we all need a break after this tour. We’re not the youngest anymore. Even I’m not. So I’m happy that I can play music with the Dots now….it gives me a fresh mind”

LA RADIO: Is it a very personal album? Josh: “Hm….maybe. I don’t know. I think I often write very cryptic lyrics so no one really knows what I want to say with it but I do. And maybe the other people that I’m singing about”

LA RADIO: So you’re singing about a woman? If I take a deeper look into the lyrics it seems like that…. Josh: “Maybe. I don’t want to talk about every story behind the lyrics but….maybe. I thought about life very often during the making of the record. I thought about my life, about the lives of other people, people I love. I thought about our current situation in the world. Maybe we changed our lyrics because we’re all having family now….at least almost every one in the band. You start to see the world and your life from a different perspective if you have to take care of a child”

LA RADIO: I heard your drummer Eric Gardner wrote a song about his daughter? Josh: “Yes and it’s the cutest thing in the world! I love his lyrics. I want to feel them some day….actually, when we were recording the song Eric showed us a noise his daughter made he had recorded on his phone and we thought that it fitted perfectly into the ending of the song. So we included it. So she’s named in the credits on a record at the age of two (laughs)”

LA RADIO: But there is one song that isn’t that happy at all. You sing about losing a love. Josh: “Not I’m singing….the lyrical Me is singing (laughs)”

LA RADIO: Whatever….this song let me start thinking about love in general. In the song you sing that “All hope is over”. Are you really that negative? Josh: “No….at least I don’t want to. But at a certain age you experienced a lot in life. You learned a lot about love, feelings and all this shit. I don’t want to say that I lost my hope in it. I was just thinking about it. Sometimes you sit in your room and just question your life and yourself and you wonder where you’ve been when you lost the love of your life and why you didn’t fight for it. I think this is what the song is about”

After our interview was done, Josh’s phone was ringing. It was the third time that it was ringing during our interview. But he always rejected the call. Now he picked up. It was his daughter Emma. She asked him if she can go to a Taylor Swift concert. Josh laughed after hanging up the phone. “Girls” he commented smiling. But I’m sure he already bought a ticket for his daughter and him. That’s what fathers do.

Wow. So this was very emotional and disturbing to read. I had so many questions on my mind when I read this. I definitely had to listen to the new Dot Hacker record. But at the same time I was totally afraid of doing it. It would be released in a week so I was definitely looking forward to it. Now I was curious what Josh was talking about.

The next question was: why the hell did the reporter write that Emma is Josh’s daughter? It’s totally wrong and…..ugh. Why is he even referring to her as his daughter? Whatever. Why did I even care?

I shouldn’t have read this interview. It just confused me. Sebastian was sleeping next to my room. He would probably wake up tomorrow morning, looking forward to a new day in LA with me while I was lying here thinking about my ex. Oh well, being a thirty something was even more complicated than being a twenty something….

________

BTW I wrote something about Josh on my blog....if you want to read it click here: https://order-disorder-blog.tumblr.com/post/165523840686/lets-talk-about-josh-klinghoffer

_________

“We live on a blue planet That circles around a ball of fire Next to a moon that moves the sea And you don’t believe in miracles?”

(Translation of the chorus of Marteria - Welt der Wunder)

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#rhcp #rhcp fanfiction #josh klinghoffer #josh klinghoffer fanfiction #red hot chili peppers #red hot chili pepper fanfiction #fanfiction #dot hacker

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didiletyouknooow · 7 years

Text

58. Under The Bridge

Hey,

another chapter this weekend! Thank you for your support and for reading my story. I have still a lot of ideas in my mind for the next chapter!

This chapter is a very special one. You’ll notice it while reading. It was fun writing it but also emotional. I first planned that the plot of this chapter should only be a part of another chapter but when I was writing it it turned out that it needed more plot and I wrote so much more that I decided to make an own chapter of this plot.

I really hope you like it!!!!

Thank you for reading! ___________________

April

„You look bad, bro“ my sister told me when we were meeting in this book store I loved so much. “I know, sorry. I didn’t sleep well in the last days” “Heartbreak? Stress?” “Well, kind of….both I guess”

I broke up with Helen two weeks ago. I just couldn’t do this anymore. I don’t know when but my feelings for her changed during the last weeks and months. I think we drifted apart. Although a part of me still loves her, another part of me couldn’t lie to her every morning and every night before going to bed. I only knew that I didn’t love her the way I used to do. I didn’t want to talk about it so I barely talked to friends about it. Neither Eric nor Jonathan or Clint asked me why I broke up with Helen. I wouldn’t answer them because I didn’t know the answer. Well, okay to be honest, I knew the answer. I just didn’t want to talk about it. Helen couldn’t understand my words when I told her that we should end our relationship. And when she understood my words she tried to convince me to fight or at least to discuss our problems. But I didn’t want to. I wasn’t in the mood for fighting. Maybe I didn’t really want to fight for our love? All I knew was that I wasn’t happy anymore. I entrenched myself in the basement and played music all day long. I didn’t even go upstairs to have breakfast or dinner with Helen and Emma. I knew I was acting crazy and weird but that’s just who I am. When I’m in a bad mood I’m acting this way. Music is what helps me the most. I think Helen didn’t understand it. We fought a lot in the past weeks.

Since we came back from New York City I changed. Helen tried to distract herself from the fact that she probably knew why I started acting like this. She didn’t want to talk about it and I didn’t want to talk about it. We kept silent about it. “Why did you break up with Helen? No one really understands you, Josh” Olivia said. “I know….I have my reasons” “Yes but….why now? You’re on tour.” “Well actually I’m on a short tour break now” “Yeah, for three weeks.” “It’s a break though” “But Josh….don’t you think, you two should have discussed it after the tour in June?” “No….it wouldn’t help me or our relationship. You know, Helen and I are so different” “I thought you two are just the same” “Sometimes we are. We share a lot of interests but….she’s so different. She doesn’t understand my music. Since we started this tour she was sick of it. Sick of me being on tour. Although she tried to understand it, it was hard for her to get along with it. I invited her on tour very often but she always told me that she misses me and she wished I would be home” “But Josh….that’s just Helen showing her love for you. She missed you, bro! She loves you….” ”I know she does….” ”Then why did you break her heart?” “I didn’t break her heart” “Oh yes you did” “She said she will accept my decision” “But that doesn’t mean that she isn’t heartbroken” “Hm….well, I guess time will heal” “Josh….why are you so cold?” “I’m not cold. I just lost my feelings for her” “Because of Eileen, am I right?” “What? Why?”

I almost panicked when my sister asked this question. I said, I didn’t want to talk about the reason I broke up with Helen. No one really asked me except of my sister.

“I don’t know” I sighed. “Okay, that’s an answer” Olivia said. “Josh, why her? She left you, don’t you remember?” “I know but….I loved her. I always did. And I loved Helen, I really fell in love with her but….it just went away. My feelings for her died when I saw Eileen again in New York. It made me so jealous to see her with her boyfriend”

Actually I wanted to push her boyfriend away from her when I saw these two at the concert in February. I hated myself for feeling this way but I couldn’t stop it. I didn’t greet them before the concert because I didn’t want to play a bad set. When I met Eileen out on the streets after the concert where we two shared a cigarette it was like the time was standing still. I didn’t want to leave this place and wished that this talk with her wouldn’t end. But when Emma came and asked me to leave the venue she kind of brought me back to reality. I wasn’t there with Eileen as my girlfriend, I was there with Helen and her daughter with whom I lived together for more than one year. She made me happy, yes. But the happiness died after this cold day in February in Manhattan. When I came home from the tour I realized that I changed. I reacted cold and didn’t pay much attention to Helen. She asked me several times what happened to me and I guess she already knew what happened when she looked into my eyes for the first time after the tour. I needed this time on tour and for the first time since August 2017 I didn’t want to come home to see her again. Instead I wanted to be on my own. But I couldn’t flee. So I just came home, greeted her and Emma and grinned and beard it. I could fake this for another few weeks. But one day I couldn’t do this anymore. I couldn’t lie to myself and to Helen anymore. She deserved the truth and she definitely deserved someone better than me.

So I broke up with her. I told her and calmed her down when she almost collapsed. We both cried the whole night and I tried to explain her why I ended our relationship. She needed a few days to get over it but she did. We decided that Helen and Emma would stay in my house for two more months until they could move into the new house I bought for them. Originally I bought it for all of us because we decided to move into a bigger house. But it had to be fixed so we couldn’t move in directly. We had to wait until June. Since I would be on tour from the end of April to the End of May I told them to stay in my house until the new one would be ready to move in.

“I can’t believe you did this to Helen. She must be so heartbroken and sad” “She will handle it some day….she will find someone better” “Maybe but….Josh, she really loves you. Everyone could see it. You made her so happy. You were her rock, you were always there for her and you helped her a lot in her life” “Yes but I’m not her white knight. She’ll find her way and so does Emma” “Emma will miss you a lot when they will move out” “Maybe….” ”You destroyed a whole family” “Olivia!” I suddenly screamed at her. “Don’t say these words, okay? I didn’t destroy a family or the life of my ex! I just broke up with her. We were only dating for 1.5 years. It’s not a very long time” “But for you it is a long time….” She noticed. “Whatever….I wasn’t happy anymore. So I wanted to be honest with her. Like I said, she doesn’t deserve someone who is lying to her….she deserves better. But I’m not the right guy for her. Not forever” “I can’t believe it…..and you are still living together?” “It’s just a practical thing….they will move out in June when the house is ready” “Wow….why are you sounding so cold and unemotional” “It’s just myself” “Josh….” Olivia shook her head. I knew that she liked Helen and she thought that was meant forever but she was wrong. I loved Helen and she made me the happiest person I ever was during the last three years but….I realized that I couldn’t live with her forever. She wouldn’t make me happy forever. Never.

“Eileen is taken and she’s living in Berlin” I said. “I know that there won’t be a happy end. But I’m better off alone than lying to a person that loves me so much. Helen will find a guy” “Actually” Olivia said. “Eileen is not living in Berlin anymore” “What????” I almost swallowed my coffee. “She’s travelling around the world. She started a travel blog.” “How do you know?” “Because I follow her on Instagram?” “Oh right”

I deleted every fake Instagram account I created in the past years after meeting Eileen in New York because I hoped that it would stop me from stalking her online. Well, it did.

“Where does she travel?” “She wrote she will travel through Thailand, Australia, South America” “Wow” I was impressed and surprised. Eileen never told me about her dream to travel the world. Sure, she liked travelling but she was always afraid to fly so I guessed she would never do something like that. Maybe there was a special reason for her journey? Maybe her boyfriend accompanied her? “Does she travel with her boyfriend?” I asked my sister. “Well” she said. “I don’t know. In her texts she mentioned that she is travelling alone” “Really?” now I was more shocked. She seemed so brave! “Maybe her boyfriend doesn’t have time. He’s a musician, you know” I said. “Yes….or maybe….” Olivia started saying. “They broke up?”

June

“Josh” Emma was knocking at my door. I just woke up from a bad dream. I also had too many drinks yesterday when I was meeting the Dots in a bar. We only wanted to discuss some things after rehearsing but I ended up drinking too much tequila. Yes, I already turned 40 and still don’t control myself when it comes to tequila. “Hm?” I opened the door. The little girl was standing in front of me. She looked scared and also shocked. “What happened?” I asked her. “Mommy is not here” “What do you mean, she’s not here?” “She’s not here. I can’t find her” Emma told me. “Maybe she’s doing grocery shopping?” I said. “No….it’s only 8am. She doesn’t do this so early.” “Hm…maybe she is out for a run” “No…I don’t think so” “Emma” I sighed and knelt down at her. “Don’t be so worried. She’ll come back. Wherever she is. Maybe she’s out with Bowie?” “No…Bowie is sleeping” I called Helen but she didn’t pick up her phone. Well, she was probably out for a walk or so. Sometimes she got up very early to watch the sunrise.

Emma accepted my reaction and went back to her room. Helen and her shared two rooms in my house together where they were sleeping. So it was weird that Emma didn’t notice that Helen left. But I didn’t pay much attention to it. I just went back to my bed. It was a Saturday morning and I wanted a few more hours of sleep.

But two hours later Emma woke me up again. This time with a piece of paper in her hand. “Josh, mommy left us” she said. I looked at her. The young girl didn’t change her facial reaction while telling me this. She looked totally calm. “Don’t say so” I said and took the piece of paper. “I found this in a drawer in her wardrobe” Emma told me. Okay now I was awake. This was weird. Emma gave me this piece of paper she just found. And it was obvious that her mother wrote it. “Did you read it?” Emma shook her head. “Not the whole thing”. I took it and started reading.

“Dear Josh,

If you read this, I already left. Maybe you won’t understand and maybe I don’t understand it either but I had to leave. I couldn’t do this anymore. I couldn’t live with you anymore. I couldn’t share a house with you anymore. I couldn’t even live in the same city as you. Knowing that I will never be your number one hurts. I knew it would be difficult when I met you. I didn’t know anything about the music business. I didn’t even know your band. Surely I’ve heard of the Chili Peppers before but I never really listened to their albums. When you told me you’re a musician I didn’t think you would be someone who is playing in such a famous band. I didn’t think you would be on tour all the time. I knew you even changed your schedules but I couldn’t live with knowing you’re on the road. I missed you. I missed you so much. Every time I joined you on tour I was looking forward to it for days. But being on tour with you wasn’t how I expected it to be. I saw that it’s your job to tour around the world. You probably did several journeys around the world. I only traveled to London once in my life. That’s all. I wasn’t my business and you always told me that it isn’t your business too. But you are this musician who is playing in this famous and successful band. Honestly, I can’t deal with it anymore.

When you ended our relationship my world collapsed. Although I knew that we had our difficulties and our problems I believed in us. Although I hated your touring schedule and the fact that I had to share you with this touring life, I believed that we could make it. You broke my heart when you broke up with me. But the most difficult situation was living with the knowledge that I won’t ever be your number one and I probably never was. When I saw how you looked at Eileen in New York City at your concert….I knew. I knew that she’ll always be your number one. Although you promised me that you don’t love her anymore, that you’re over it, I saw it on this cold night. You still love her, at least parts of you do. The way you looked at her told me everything.

Josh, I can’t live in LA anymore. I’m so sick of it. I’m so done with it. I know that leaving isn’t the best idea and I’m not proud of it but I didn’t see any other chance to move on with my life. I had to leave you. And Emma.

Yes, you’ll question why I mentioned her and why I even left her. I’m her mother. And I’m probably the worst mother on earth because I left my daughter. My one and only daughter. But I just can’t do it anymore. I’m so down and lost, I don’t want Emma to see how lost I’m. I need a restart. Somewhere else.

And since I know that you get along very well with kids and especially with Emma, I plead you to take care of her. I know she will have a great life in LA. I couldn’t take her with me because I knew that she wouldn’t want to leave her school. She’s happy in LA. She found friends. I couldn’t take her out of this life. She will have all possibilities after graduation. I know it. She’s a smart girl. I know that you will support her. Because you’re a great human being. Actually, I only left her in LA because I knew that you’re the right guy. You will take care of her and I hope you do.

Please, take care of her, Josh. Let her study her dream subject and support her. I know she’ll go her own way. She’s confident.

I feel so sorry for being so such a coward who leaves her family behind. But I have to. Please, believe me. Try to understand me. I’ll be living with a friend in Mexico for a while.

Don’t worry about me.

Live your life, find your love, take care of my daughter.

Thank you Josh, you’re one of the best guys I’ve ever met. I’m so thankful I met you.

Don’t hate me.

Love, Helen”

I couldn’t understand any word what she wrote in this letter. I didn’t understand her….did she really leave. Like, forever? It seemed like she did but….what about Emma? Did she really want me to take care of her daughter? Forever? I wasn’t even her father! While I was still holding the letter in my hand, Emma sat next to me and laid her head against my arm. “She left us, right?” I couldn’t say anything. I looked in these green eyes of this little girl. I never felt so shocked before. Helen left me alone with her daughter. How could she do that to me? How could she do that to Emma? “She’ll come back” I promised Emma while stroking her head. Emma started crying. I laid my head around her shoulder and tried to soothe her. She was so sad. I never saw a girl looking so sad and lost. I tried to explain her that her mother will come back some day but Emma didn’t want to believe me. I think she already knew the truth. So I laid my head against hers. We sat there for hours. At least it felt like this.

July

“How was school?” I asked Emma when I picked her up. It was the last week of school and the holidays were about to start. “It was okay” she said. I started driving and Emma didn’t say anything. I turned on the music. She liked 500 Seconds of Summer so I made a mixtape with songs by them. She liked it but she didn’t pay much attention to it. Since her mother went away it wasn’t easy to talk to her. She was already ten years old and I didn’t know how to handle ten year old girls. “Are you looking forward to the holidays? Any plans?” “Hm….” Emma answered. “Maybe seeing some friends in Chino” “Great. And you can finally move into the house. I spoke to the building company today. They said you can move into the house next weekend” “Really? Great” Emma wasn’t really impressed.

After Helen left us her grandma and spoke to Emma and we all decided that she and her grandma will move into the house. Her grandma will take of her when I’m not in town and when I’m in LA she can also come to my house and I will take care of her when her grandma is in Chino. We had so many discussions with the police because they told me that I couldn’t report Helen as missing because it was her own decision to leave us. Although it was hurting to hear these words the police tried to make us understand that they really couldn’t do anything. Especially because Helen called her mother once to tell her she was fine and we shouldn’t be worried. She only had to leave because she couldn’t do it anymore, she couldn’t live this life in LA anymore.

I still couldn’t find words to describe how disappointed and shocked I was. How should I explain Emma why her mother decided to leave her? I think there aren’t words. “What about going to Disneyland in the holidays?” I asked Emma. It took some time but suddenly I saw a little smile on her face. “Would be great” she said. When we came home I made us some pasta. In the last weeks I became a really good cook because I was the one who took care of Emma in the first weeks after Helen left us. Her grandma Agneta had to organize some things in Chino until she could finally move to LA next week. When we told the police what happened they even told me that I couldn’t take care of Emma because I wasn’t her father and I didn’t adopt her. Another long discussion followed which let me go to the youth welfare office to talk to them. Finally they told me that Emma could stay in my house because it was her official home for more than one year now. But they also suggested me to adopt her because then it would be easier to take care of her, make decisions for her and just be her official legal guardian. Honestly, I was totally overwhelmed by this situation. Two years ago I was just dating this young woman who was so likable and with whom I fell in love in the following months. And now, two years later, I had to think about adopting her daughter because this young woman I truly loved left me and her daughter alone. Sometimes I was so pissed and mad at Helen. I couldn’t find words for it.

We had pasta together and afterwards I wanted to watch a movie with Emma. But she didn’t want to. Instead she went to her room and I heard her crying. Well, this happened very often in the last weeks. So I went upstairs to her room and knocked on her door. “Emma, can I come in?” “No” she responded immediately. “Come on Emma, I know it’s not easy for you. It isn’t easy for me either….but please, let me in. You can talk to me” “You know nothing” She said and I heard her crying again. I noticed that the door wasn’t closed so I opened it and entered her room. Emma was sitting on her bad, embracing her teddy bear which was a present her mother gave her for her birth. “Emma” I sighed. “Please, don’t cry” I said and sat down next to her. “I just can’t believe she left me, Josh” she whispered with tears in her eyes. “I thought she loved me….” “She does!” I responded. “She definitely loves you. She’ll always love you” “But then why did she leave me?” Emma looked at me. Well, this was a question I didn’t know the answer to. “Your mom has some difficulties in life and sometimes if you’re feeling down on your knees you need a restart. You need something new, a new place to live, a new job” “But why didn’t she take me with her?” “Because she didn’t want to take you out of your life here in LA. She thought you’re happy here so you shouldn’t leave this city” “But….I love her more than I love LA” “I know” I sighed and pulled her closer. She was still crying and I tried to soothe her. “And how do you feel about it Josh?” Emma suddenly wanted to know. “I mean, you loved her….she loved you!” “I know but….maybe it was my fault that your mother went away. I was the one who broke up with your mother” I said and was surprised by my answer. “No!” Emma responded. “No Josh, you’re awesome. Mommy knew that I like you so much and I think she wouldn’t leave us just because you broke up” “Hopefully not” For the first time since Helen left us I was thinking about this theory. What if I was the only reason why Helen left us? She kind of mentioned it in her letter but she also said that she was the one who had to leave. But would she also have she left her daughter some day when we were never dating? Maybe not? “Josh….I’m so thankful that you’re here. You’re a great guy and you’re the first guy my mother dated that I really like. I mean, if you wouldn’t be here, I would be on my own” “No, don’t say those things. Your grandma would still be there for you. She’ll always be there” “Yes but….none of my parents would be there. My dad is in prison and my mommy just left me” Emma realized and started crying again.

I laid my arm around her shoulder and squeezed her so that she put her head against my chest. I tried my best to soothe her but I was never in such a situation before.

“Hey um….what about watching a movie?” I suggested again after a few minutes. “I have every film you like” “Really?” Emma asked with eyes red from crying. “Of course!” I smiled and we went downstairs.

August

“I still can’t believe that Helen left you and her daughter behind” Sammy said while drinking his beer. We were in our favorite bar at the Sunset Strip. Emma was already living with her grandma in the new house I bought for them so I used the time to make some music again. Emma would come over tomorrow and I would take care of her the next week because Agneta had to go back to Chino for a while. It wasn’t the best living situation but we tried our best. At least I didn’t have to go on tour in the next week. We played our last shows in July but after Helen left us I had to cancel three shows because I needed time to fix some things. The guys understood so we postponed the concerts and would play them in September. In January we would tour in Australia and New Zealand and afterwards we would play in Japan and Korea. A last tribute show in LA would end our tour for our twelfth album in March. Honestly, I was looking forward to it because I was so sick of touring. I had too much trouble happening in my life at the moment that I didn’t have a clear mind to prepare for touring again. In fall Dot Hacker would play a few shows in NYC and California. I was looking forward to that but that’s all. I think I was just happy to play with the Dots again. We didn’t do this in years I guess.

“And you never heard anything of her again except of this letter?” Sammy brought me back to reality. “No, nothing. She only called her mother once but that’s it. She didn’t even call her daughter. I don’t know what to think about her” “Wow, neither do I. Helen always seemed so smart and I thought she had her shit together” “Well, she didn’t. She was very weak. She never showed it in public but she committed to me that she had some psychological problems. She didn’t want Emma to know it. I told her she should wait until Emma is old enough to understand it. I mean, that would’ve been the best way, right? To wait until her daughter is old enough to talk to her. But now her daughter has to accept that her mother decided to leave her behind. And she’s only ten” “It’s so weird. And I believe it’s so hard for Emma” “It is….she cries often. But in the last weeks she could distract herself from being sad. We went to Disneyland, Agneta and I took her to San Diego just that she sees different places. She spent some time in Chino with her friends, she was on a short camping weekend with some friends from school” “And you’re her daddy now?” “Well….not official but I try my best. When Agneta is in Chino I’m the one who takes care of Emma. When this camping trip started I was the one who packed her bag with her, who told her to take care. We bought a new bedroll for her and a tent. She was very excited. I told her how it’s like to sleep in a tent because I used to do it very often when I was a teenager. When I brought her to the meeting point every one was confused because they expected her mother to come. No one knew about what happened. Agneta and I only spoke to the school administrator but told her to keep quiet. The other pupils shouldn’t know about it” “Wow, it really sounds like a dad to me. How crazy life can be sometimes….” Sammy noticed. “It is….” I sighed and took a sip of my beer. “And what about your feelings? I mean, after all you were her boyfriend” “But I broke up with her in April” I reminded him. “I know but….you were living together for more than one year, you were still living together after you broke up. You two were very close” “We were” “SO….what are your feelings right now?” “I don’t know” I sighed. “Sometimes I miss her but not because I still love her. I don’t. It’s more a feeling of missing a friend. Helen was still a friend of mine. I really liked her but I didn’t love her anymore” “Did you meet any new girl after breaking up? I mean….official you’re single for almost six months, right?” “Almost….yeah” “So, what about dating? I can imagine it’s difficult right now” “Oh it’s totally difficult but I don’t want it. Not right now. Emma is the most important person in my life right now. I know it sounds crazy but it’s just the truth. I feel like I have to take care of her. It’s my task to do it. Helen told me to do it. I’m still mad at her because she left me alone with her daughter. It’s not even my own daughter. But I couldn’t just let her alone. I couldn’t take her to a children’s home or back to Chino. I saw how happy she was in LA and I did everything so that she could stay here. No matter what. No matter if it would mean that I’m her new dad” “And do you two get along very well?” “We do. Sometimes we have some difficulties and discussions but that’s normal I guess” “Oh it is” Sammy laughed. “Wait until she reaches puberty”. “Oh I can’t wait for it” I grinned. It felt good to laugh again. After all these difficult times during the last two months it felt good to just have a night off with a good friend of mine.

“Hey man, just to change the topic….there is a girl who is looking at you the whole night” Sammy said. “Oh really? I didn’t notice her” I wasn’t impressed. “Come one man, you’re single. You had tough times. You should have some fun” he said and patted my back. “No….honestly. I don’t want to” “Really? Just have fun. Like the old Josh” “I’m not very proud of my behavior at that time” “Tzz, it’s a totally normal behavior” Sammy said.

A few months ago his girlfriend broke up with him and since then he was just having fun. Just like I did a few years ago. It sounded like fun but I wasn’t in the mood for it.

“Just a few drinks” Sammy grinned and went over to the girl who was probably looking at me. I just drank my beer and didn’t look at them. But a few minutes later Sammy and the girl came to our table and he started a conversation. Because I’m a nice person I started talking to her as well. A few drinks later I was a bit tipsy. Sammy found a woman for himself and suddenly they left the bar. Now I was alone with this young lady. I couldn’t even remember her name but I guess she was about 26 and working as PR manager. She wasn’t dumb but she wasn’t really my type. Although she was hot. I guess she modeled in her youth or so. “So….Josh” she suddenly said. “Where do we go now?” “Um….can we just stay here?” “Well” she said and the look on her face told me that she didn’t want to stay here. She wanted to leave the bar. With me. I felt petrified. She took my hand, I saw me paying the bills and finally we left the bar. We took a cab and went to my home. How did I even tell the cab driver my address?

While we were sitting in the car I noticed how I went back to my old habits. Suddenly I started touching and kissing her and couldn’t wait until we arrived at my home.

Then everything happened very quickly. It was like I was watching the old Josh from three years ago who was messing around with young girls. I knew exactly what I had to do to make her happy. It was so easy. Why was it so easy? Was it all just a fake? Maybe these girls just pretended to have fun because they wanted to get fame? Haha, surely with someone like me who wasn’t really known at all.

For the first time in weeks I could totally forget my problems, everything that happened. I was just looking at this naked woman in my bed and didn’t think of anything else. I didn’t even think of Helen. Yes, it was strange to sleep with someone new after two years of being in a stable relationship but it’s not that I didn’t know how it worked. It wasn’t something emotional or passionate. It was just sex. Just for fun. Maybe to forget your problems for a while. But afterwards everything will come back. I knew it. And I was afraid of it.

“I liked your flow” the girl said gasping after a second round in the morning. “You know a lot about what women want” she grinned. “Well” I said and felt so bad. I just felt very bad. “I’m 40 years old. I’ve met some women in my life” “And that’s so cute!” she grinned and gave me a kiss. “Hey um, I’m gonna shower” I excused myself and went to the bathroom. I never felt so bad while talking after sex. I wasn’t used to it anymore. It just felt very embarrassing. I couldn’t even remember her name.

When I was standing in the shower I was thinking about my life in the past months. How crazy it was. First I broke up with my girlfriend, then she left me and her daughter alone. Within six months I became single and suddenly a single step dad for a ten year old girl who wasn’t even my daughter. I questioned myself why I behaved like this. Why did I go back to old habits and hook up with girls? While being together with Helen I learned that it’s not the same if it’s not something serious. Over the last years I preferred love over sex. So why did I took this girl home with me last night? I didn’t even know her name. I should have known better, right? I should have known that you can’t feel the intimacy and closeness with a stranger. But maybe I did it because I was so overwhelmed by the whole situation with Helen and Emma. I wasn’t prepared for being a step dad. Maybe I wanted to forget about everything last night. But today I felt even worse. I knew I wanted to get away from here and if Emma wouldn’t be here I probably would have left LA for a while. But I couldn’t because I had to take care of a young girl.

Speaking of this! She would come over today to stay with me for at least one week. I was looking at the watch in the bathroom and….fuck!

Suddenly I jumped out of the shower because it was time now. Emma would come within the next minutes. When I was just about to search my pants I heard a voice of a girl in my house. Fuck. There she was. And there was still this naked woman sleeping in my bed. Oh no, this would cause trouble. I could see it. So I only took a towel to cover my hips and went out of the shower. I ran through my bedroom to welcome Emma. I already heard her yelling my name. She had the keys to my door so she didn’t have to knock on the door. But when I came downstairs it already happened. Emma was here and she wasn’t alone. She saw the half naked woman in my kitchen. This girl from last night must’ve woken up and immediately went downstairs into the kitchen to get something to drink. At least she was wearing one of my shirts. “Who is this?” Emma asked with a disgusted view in her face. “Um, she is….she’s just a friend” I lied. “A friend?” Emma wondered. “Who is just wearing a shirt and her underwear?” At least the girl wore her underwear. I even met girls who didn’t. “Well um” I stuttered. Now my one night stand looked at me and looked at Emma. She was definitely questioning what was going on here. “Who is this?” She then asked and pointed at Emma. “Do you have a child?” “No… it’s just” I tried to explain her. “It’s not my daughter” “Then who the hell is that?” “Who the hell is THAT?” Emma asked with a louder voice and pointed at the half naked girl. I was so overwhelmed by this situation that I didn’t know what to do. “Josh, talk to me!” Emma asked me to. “She’s….” ”Well, that’s just too much trouble for me right now. I’m gonna leave. Thanks for last night Josh” the woman said, went upstairs to grab her things and then left my house.

Emma and I were looking after her. For a few seconds no one said a word but then Emma kept asking. “Josh, who was this woman?” “She was just someone….” I explained. “Just a friend” “And why was she almost naked?” “Hm….she was probably showering” “Josh….I’m not five anymore.” she suddenly said. Sometimes I was so blown away by her smartness. “I thought you loved mom” Emma screamed and then left my house. No, she didn’t do that! I was still only covered by a towel but now I had to run after her.

So I went outside and asked Emma to stop but she didn’t. “Emma, stop!” I screamed but she didn’t want to listen. So I went inside, grab my pants and a t-shirt and got into my car. Then I drove down the streets just to find Emma there, still running. Tears streamed down her face. I stopped the car and asked her to get in. She didn’t want to. So I kept driving next to her in snail pace while Emma was still walking down the streets. “Please Emma, get in the car!” “No!” She responded. “I won’t. You’re a liar!” “Can we please talk about it at home?” “I don’t have a home anymore” “Emma, please….don’t be stupid” “You never loved mommy! You destroyed everything! You are the reason why she left!” Emma suddenly screamed at me. It shocked me to hear these words but it didn’t stop me from following her with my car. We were just a few metres away from a big crossroad so I hoped she would finally come to her senses before we would reach there. “Emma, please. Stop walking and get into my car. I will tell you everything, we can discuss it at my home okay? I will listen to you and your thoughts. I know you’re hurt and I know it’s not an easy time right now but….please. Don’t let me look like a fool” I said. And finally the girl stopped walking. She looked at me and without saying anything she opened the door and got into my car. I immediately drove home.

Back in my living room I tried to explain myself. Emma wanted to know who the lady in my kitchen was. I thought about laying to her and fabricating a story about how this woman was a friend of mine who just stayed for the night but then I realized how stupid it would sound. So I decided to tell her the truth. Well, at least the G-rated truth. “Look Emma” I started. “Your mommy and I weren’t happy anymore. That’s why I broke up with her. I know it hurts and it hurt you and your mommy and even me. It wasn’t easy for all of us. But we tried our best and we even stayed friends and were living together for a few months, right?” She nodded. “So when you’re mom left us I was shocked too. I missed her. As a friend. I really miss her as a friend, she was a really good friend of mine, even after we broke up. I trusted her and I never thought she would do something like that.” I paused. “But, you know, adults sometimes fall in love. You’ll fall in love when you get a little bit older. Trust me, it will happen. So adults fall in love. Even when a relationship doesn’t work and you break up with someone, you will find someone new to love. And since your mother and I broke up, I was single. And I met this woman. I liked her. I just wanted to get to know her a little bit better. So I visited her here” “At night?” “Yes….sometimes adults do this” I told her. Oh well, I felt so bad for creating this G-rated story but somehow I didn’t want to lie to her. “So….she was a friend. A woman I met I wanted to get to know a little bit better. Since the relationship with your mother didn’t work, I think I’m allowed to meet new women, don’t you think?” “Okay” “She was a great woman and maybe I will see her again.” “So…did you cook for her when she was here?” “Kind of” I answered. “And did you drink alcohol?” “Hm….not really” God, I was feeling so bad because I lied to her. But how should I explain to a ten year old girl that I just hooked up with this woman last night and the only thing we did last night was having sex several times? Emma was definitely too young to hear a story like that. “Maybe she was really showering before she went downstairs….whatever. Sorry I reacted so bad” “It’s okay” I said and hugged her. She put her arms around me and that was the first moment in months that I felt loved by her. She cared about me and I never thought about this before. I was the one who was caring about her in the past weeks but now she was also caring about me. “Josh, I want you to be happy” Emma said and was patting my head. “And I want you to be happy” I smiled.

We spent the afternoon with playing ping-pong in my garden and afterwards I showed her some chords on the guitar. She also wanted to learn some more things on the drums so I taught her. Emma was such a good student. She learned very quickly. Later that night I ordered pizza and we were watching the Minions movie. I hated these yellow figures but Emma loved them so I tried to love them too. “Josh” Emma started saying when the film was over. “Yes?” “Who is Eileen?” I felt my heart beating quicker when Emma said her name. “Why do you ask?” “Because I read the letter mommy wrote for you and….she often mentions an Eileen. Is she the woman we met in New York City?” “Hm….” I didn’t know if I should tell her the truth. “Yes she is” “Is she a friend of yours?” “Kind of” “I never heard mom talking about an Eileen so….it can’t be a friend of hers” “No….it’s not. It’s a friend of mine” “And was it maybe….more?” Wow, did I ever say that Emma surprised me once more again? “What do you mean?” “Was she your girlfriend?” I shocked. Now I really didn’t know what to answer. “It’s okay….you can tell me” she said. “Hm….okay, well” I started and sighed. “Eileen is an old friend but yes, she was also my girlfriend once. Long before I met your mother” “But you still love her, right?” What? How did she know? “Um, no” I said. “Oh you’re blushing” she grinned. “You do!” “Um, well….it’s long ago. I, um….well” “It’s okay Josh. You can tell me” she let me know. Wow, there was this ten year old girl, the daughter of my ex girlfriend who left us, sitting on my couch offering me to talk about Eileen. “Well okay…Eileen and I dated for a few years” “And she’s pretty!” “Really?” “Yes, I liked her hair!” “She’s gorgeous” “Where is she now?” “She’s….I don’t know. She used to live in Berlin” “Berlin???? Wow, that’s quiet far away” Emma noticed. “It is” I agreed. “But I found a blog on the internet where she is writing about a journey she’s doing at the moment. I never read it but….” “Shall we read it? Maybe she even post pictures!” Suddenly Emma looked at me inviting.

It took me some minutes but I suddenly agreed and opened my notebook. A few minutes later we started reading Eileen’s first blog entry. It was about her journey through Thailand. Emma was totally blown away by all of the photos Eileen posted. “Wow, she’s so pretty!” Emma said when she saw a picture of Eileen. Yes she was. “Where did you two meet?” the girl wanted to know. “Well” I said and started telling her the story of how I met Eileen. I told her about our first encounter at the museum in Berlin, our first dates, the soccer game and later my birthday. I told her about moving back to LA with her and how we broke up and got back together. I didn’t tell her about Eileen’s pregnancy. “Sounds like a great love story” Emma said when I finished the story. “Maybe” I responded. “But Emma, I want you to know that I loved your mother. When I met your mother I was over Eileen, I just loved your mother….I wanted to live with her….and with you” “I know” Emma suddenly answered. “I saw it in your eyes. You always looked so happy when you looked at mommy. And so did she. She looked so happy when she was with you” “Hm…” “So sad that it’s over now….” ”Sometimes it isn’t meant to be” “But Josh” Emma said and looked into my eyes. “I feel like you’re still into Eileen. Maybe you should write her or meet her. I don’t know. Maybe when she’s back in LA.” “Hm…are you sure?” “Yes! I want you to be happy!” she said and hugged me. I was jut about to cry. How could this young girl not only be so smart but also be so loyal to the ex of her mother? That was the time when I realized how happy children can make you.

___________

Again thank you for reading. And if you would like to read some more texts I wrote just take a look at my blog https://order-disorder-blog.tumblr.com/

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