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iqmobs-blog · 6 years

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the girl i used to love

My baggy grey hoodie seemed to weigh my body down even when it wasn't wet, completely masked by the overpowering smell of cigarette smoke given that both my parents were heavy smokers. My hood was lazily put up as I treaded through the heavy rain, wishing it would wash away my skin and flesh as I felt overwhelmingly disgusting and empty. My soul felt nonexistent when I entered my empty home after a really bad day at school. She then texted me saying she wanted to hang out. Before everything changed this was normal, but things had started to separate between us already during this time period.

I decided it was best to go over instead of depression sleep the day away. I walked in the rain to her house wishing life was so different. I loved the rain though. It reminded me even more of how I loved her and the feeling she caused inside of my chest for some weird reason. Her smile was always my favorite; especially when you could see her dimples and teeth. She was beautiful.

When I walked up her porch and knocked on the door, she was already there waiting for me with her classic smile that never felt fake and I'm sure I made some random witty joke about how I walked in the rain because that was just the kind of thing I did back then.

We weren't as intimate as we were when we were younger, though I still remember some golden moments that will probably never leave my mind.

When I would lay my stomach on her feet and she would make me "fly" as I showed her twenty one pilot songs, dancing ridiculously just to make her laugh.

When we talked about the future and eventually ended up wrestling each other on the floor; tickling and pinning one down while laughing continuously.

I remember times when she seemed to be scared. Scared of maybe what she felt for me or scared that I had real feelings for her. That I will never know.

Times where we would end up cuddling but would end abruptly due to her leaving and saying it was weird. Or when she asked me if I was sure that I was straight. All that I could get out was a faint and unsure "..yes" and that's it. Nothing more than that and the tension held in the air forever. I would've liked to ask her the same question knowing that she has told me about liking girls before, but only to deny that it ever happened a week from then.

That day I walked to her house made me feel whole inside. So many memories of staring at her, wondering if she's ever felt the same or wondering if she knows how beautiful she is.

We were young though...and as we grew up we grew apart. She moved onto drugs and despite that I didn't mind, I couldn't take the way she changed. She got a new best friend the year I moved away for a semester. Sophomore year of high school. I'd like to say that she broke my heart...but in all honesty I think this might've been on me for falling for a straight girl that had always been my best friend.

#my writing #writers #long reads #love #lgbtq #lgbt #biseuxal #girl #student #story

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