latebloomerdiary

[latebloomerdiary]

Starting Over pt. 4

Small update!

So before I accepted that last position, I actually received a different job offer which I turned down. I decided to reach back out to them and they hired me! woo hoo! They literally created a position for me, because everyone "really liked me" HOW FCKN SWEET YOU GUYS.

Updated Goals:

Get a job

Get in better shape

Be more social

Put effort into my physical appearance

Go back to school

Get better at photography

Stop getting high so much/be more intentional with it

Go to therapy/the doctor

#late bloomer #dear diary #journal entry #i have no friends #weight loss #i’m lonely #starting over #new job #new life #growing up #glowing up

[latebloomerdiary]

Starting over pt.3

The girl that wrote that last post was so pure and hopeful. I love her, and I low-key miss her.

SO Since that last post, I have quit that job. (BOOOOO)

Ugh, and I didn't even tell you the WORST PART!!!

So the guy I mentioned before was like...fine...I guess. I don't know. He was cute and super nice and a tiny bit flirty, but like... that's it. BORING

Which brings me to the aforementioned WORST PART!!!

A different guy. lmao

Ok FINE I'LL TELL YOU

He worked across from me, so we basically just stared at each other all day. Fine by me because this dude looks remarkably similar to Harry Styles. And I had to walk past him like 30 times a shift to get to the back room and I like could NOT look at him. (I'm so fckn weird dude) I couldn't bare the though of making eye contact with him in a way that felt intentional. (I need to be studied)

UM but I did cyberstalk him. (Looked him up on Facebook) hehehe

Anyway, I was def in love with him (and we are astrologically compatible)

But whatever ever it's fine. I'll get over it. I always do.

So now I'm trying to find a new job, and a reason to stay alive. (kidding mostly)

GOALS:

Get a job

Get in better shape

Be more social

Put effort into my physical appearance

Go back to school

Get better at photography

Stop getting high so much/be more intentional with it

Go to therapy/the doctor

#late bloomer #dear diary #journal entry #i have no friends #weight loss #i’m lonely #starting over #growing up #starting new #new job #new life #glow up

[latebloomerdiary]

Starting Over pt. 2

SoooooooooooooOooooo I got a job! Yay!

Also, the guy who interviewed me (and also hired me on the spot) is def going to be my husband. I know I know I know. But just trust me.

His hand brushed my knee (HEART EYE EMOJI)

And!!!! (plz don't say this is a reach let me be delusional)

He heavily convinced me to go for the manager position, over the position I was interviewing for. AND When I went to onboarding guess where my desk is. JUST GUESS

VERY VERY close to his.

Anyway, if nothing else I have a work crush and something else to think about other than my crippling depression.

The next step is to get a haircut and get a gym membership.

CANT WAIT

General goals in no particular order:

Get a job

Get in better shape

Be more social

Put effort into my physical appearance

Go back to school

Get better at photography

Stop getting high so much/be more intentional with it

Go to therapy/the doctor

#late bloomer #dear diary #journal entry #weight loss #i have no friends #New job #starting over #glow up diary #starting over diary #glow up journal #new life

[latebloomerdiary]

Glow Up? Starting Over?

Ok so... Wow where do I even start.

Long story short: I suffered a wee bit of a mental break, and now I'm 27 and back living at my mom's house. I want to start over, do better, look better, and feel better.

Back Story: I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety when I was 11, and have been medicated ever since. That is until 2020. I know what a great time to stop my meds cold turkey. lmao. IDIOT.

I then landed my DREAM job. My friend told me about an opening at her company for a marketing manager. For the record, I have no college degree so this was SUPER exciting. I was working almost fully remote with my bestie/roommate and just fucked around every day and had fun. Our time was really our own at this job, we could like go to the movies in the middle of the workday if we wanted.

The depression comes in waves sometimes, and after about 7 months at this job, it got really bad. I was feeling really bad about myself. I really hated myself. I felt ugly and like I didn't deserve my job because I didn't go to school. Just a bunch of horrible horrible thoughts and self-talk.

This is where the mental break part happens. I heard about this job opportunity in another state and asked my boss if I could go part-time and fully remote. She reluctantly agreed. I basically blew up my life and moved away within a month. We broke our lease and I moved two states away.

I got to the new place and guess what? It was absolutely horrible. Everything that could possibly go wrong went wrong starting on the first day. Once I actually started my position it somehow got worse. I worked a total of 8 days there before I quit.

And so here we are: I had to move back in with my mom. My boss was not about to let me go back to full-time hours, so I could not afford a place in my old town. I had planned on staying with my mom for a while to save up to be able to move back, but I just found out my position is going away. I won't have a job as of Nov. 1.

So this brings a new challenge: find a full-time job. But starting this process of finding a new job while living with my mom kind of made me feel like I was forced to start over back at square one. That made me super fucking sad. So I decided to try and think of it differently. I decided to think of it like I get the opportunity to start over. You know?

So here's where my general goals:

(in no particular order)

Get a job

Get in better shape

Be more social

Put effort into my physical appearance

Go back to school

Get better at photography

Stop getting high so much/be more intentional with it

Go to therapy/the doctor

I'm going to use this blog to keep me accountable and to document the process. I'll update along the way!

#late bloomer #glow up #starting over #letting go #moving on #getting better #weight loss #healthy living #blog post #episode 1 #chapter 1 #my story #trying not to be sad #dear diary #journal entry

[latebloomerdiary]

If you ever feel like talking might help relieve the burden, let me know and ill message you. Sometimes just a little chat helps.

That was really kind of you to say! Feel free to send a message 😌

[latebloomerdiary]

Depression hangs.

She hangs around when I think I’m happy.

She’s always lurking.

Sometimes I forget about her.

But she never forgets about me.

My only constant.

#depressed #sad #depression #dear diary #journal entry #alone #sadness #lonely #i’m lonely #mental illness #mental instability #mentally tired #mood swings #bipolar #borderline personality problems #bpd problems #i feel like they forgot to put something in my brain when they made me

[latebloomerdiary]

If I don’t start and carry every conversation, no one will talk to me.

People forget I exist. I am forgettable, even to those I thought cared for me the most.

#depressed #sad #late bloomer #depression #dear diary #journal entry #i have no friends #all alone #alone #being alone #im lonly

[latebloomerdiary]

[latebloomerdiary]

[latebloomerdiary]

[latebloomerdiary]

Feeling Undesirable

I feel ugly. Society, my family, and even friends and coworkers have told me I am all my life. Because of one thing: my body. I was told over and over and OVER again that I “would just be so pretty if I lost a little bit of weight”. That I have such perfect skin, and beautiful features and it’s “ a shame” the way my body looks. 

Pretty much my whole life.

I have been doing a lot of reflecting recently and I think that made me subconsciously think I wasn’t, or couldn’t be pretty unless I lost the weight. I spent most of the last 6 years only wearing my hair in a bun, only wearing a hoodie everywhere, and isolating myself. I think this is because I thought I didn’t deserve to be pretty, until I lost weight. I put no effort into my appearance, and I really REALLY hated myself. 

I am on a journey of self love, I know that sounds so fucking cheesy. But it’s true. I am trying to get healthy, but love myself where I am at. 

A step in getting healthy, is getting my mental health on track. I have zero experience when it comes to dating, and I feel like that is really lacking in my life. I want someone to want me, even just for a night. 

I have been on every dating app forever and have matched with people and chatted, but it never goest past that. I have made plans to meet up with two people and backed out both times. I am so terrified. I am so scared they will be disappointed and think that I am ugly and “would be so pretty if I just lost a little bit of weight.” 

I am going to be working on over coming this. 

#late bloomer #sad #depression #depressed #isolated #body dysmorphia #body positive #dating #self love #self hate

[latebloomerdiary]

Is it too much to ask for someone to love me? Or even like me? Or even just fuck me?

I just want to be wanted.

#depressed #sad #late bloomer #dear diary #depression #journal entry #i feel so unloveable #unlovable

[latebloomerdiary]

everytime anything goes wrong i get the overwhelming urge to just end it all and i dont understand why

[latebloomerdiary]

Do you ever dissociate so hard the walls are practically breathing

[latebloomerdiary]

Something is wrong. Something is missing. I’m not sad. I’m not happy. There is a hole somewhere but I’m not sure where.

#depressed #sad #late bloomer #dear diary #depression #journal entry #something’s missing #something is missing #brain empty #mindless and empty

[latebloomerdiary]

[latebloomerdiary]