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levis-coffeecup · 4 months

Text

chapter 22| Lovesick

WC-3.9k

Summary

The underground is filthy and dark. Dim lights, dull alleys, and desperate hearts. A place Levi knows as well as the back of his hand, and a place he would do anything to get out of.

Chapters of life roll by and with the turn of a page, things drastically change. In front of him is the opportunity to live on the surface. And the flimsy bridge that he has to cross. From an uncivil criminal to a disciplined soldier.

But life on the surface seems tougher amidst all the mockery, civilities, and the gaping hole left in his heart, after the demise of his dear friends Isabel and Farlan.

Content/Warnings

canon- compliant, canon-typical violence, spoilers for No Regrets OVA, descriptions of PTSD, grief, depression, heavy angst and themes, strong language, self-hate, physical assault.

Author’s Note

Hi guysss!!!

I'm sorry it's been soo long. But the next chapter is finally out!!

It's similar to the Trost fair chapter, if anyone remembers... but the scene is rewritten. And scene 2 and 3 are completely different! Also, if you find any grammatical errors please comment about it to let me know!

Song for this chapter is Seneca by Novo Amor.

Chapters

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22

Masterlist | Playlist | Other Works

SEPT 847

The streets are muddy, the clouds are gray, and Levi shakes off the muck from his boots as he stands in front of Mae's door.It's been a minute since he's been knocking on her door, and still there's been no answer.

His lips pull into a frown. As much as he hates to admit this, he likes to be welcomed by her jumping into his arms.

His fingers slide down to his pocket, bringing out the spare keys to her home that he always keeps. And he opens the door.

The walls have been repainted yellow. She's knitted colorful pillow covers to keep on the settee. His favorite books are all stacked on the shelf. And the kitchen is always stocked with all kinds of tea.

His gaze turns soft as he takes it all in. Mae has taken her sweet time to make her house theirs.

He climbs up the stairs, making his way to the bedroom.

The curtains are drawn close. And Mae sits on the bed, huddled in a thick blanket. Her face is almost red, and her eyes are dull, clearly unwell. The sight makes Levi freeze at the door frame.

"I knew it was you...," Mae beams with pride, her voice scratchy. "I could tell by your footsteps."

Her forehead is burning up, and it hurts to smile through the pain. But she's so ecstatic to see Levi, she can't help herself. "I want a kiss." Her lips shift into a cheeky grin, and she stretches her arms forward, towards him.

And Levi leans on the doorframe, meters away from her. Unsure of what to feel.

They've only kissed a few times before. But the thought still knocks the wind right out of his lungs.

"N-no, you are sick. Stay away from me." He somehow manages.

"Humanity's strongest can handle a little fever, can't he?" She teases.

"Tch.. y-you're so gross." He pivots and walks away. Only to come around a minute later. With his hands cleaned, and his clothes fresh.

"You're burning up." He scolds as he keeps her hand on her forehead. "How the hell did you end up like this?"

"The weather change-" she coughs.

"Ssh," he silences her off. "Don't talk, your voice is almost gone."

He goes back down again and comes up with some water in a bowl and a clean napkin. "How many times have I told you to not be so careless," His voice is almost angry, but Mae doesn't miss the concern woven in it. "And why didn't you write to me and let me know that you were unwell?"

The tray is set down on the nightstand. And he drags the chair from her work desk, to sit next to her.

"It's just been two days, and a letter takes a week to reach... I'm sure I would have been fine by then."

"Tch," Levi frowns. He dips the napkin into the bowl of water. Squeezing it out and putting it on her forehead. It's cooling, and Mae shuts her eyes close. Warmed by his love.

"Should I call a doctor?" He suggests, a few minutes later.

"Levi! I am a doctor..." she retorts.

"Well congratulations then Ms. Doctor, for falling ill." He grumbles, pissed. The space between his brows is crinkled, and he seems incredibly focused keeping a wet cloth on her forehead.

The relentlessness in his actions gives away his stress.

And Mae doesn't understand why he's getting so paranoid over this. It's a simple fever, that's all, nothing she hasn't had before.

It takes her a minute to realize that his mother died of sickness, too. And perhaps what is making him act this way are the wounds that have been left long forgotten.

Her face softens, and she places her hand over his lap.

"Take a breath Levi. I'm not going anywhere, anytime soon." Her hand lands on his, she gently squeezes it in reassurance.

And Levi's icy blue eyes widen for a millisecond, before he catches himself. Then he grunts, pressing his lips into an unamused line.

"Try to sleep, instead of staring at me," grumbles. He grabs her shoulders as he helps her lay on her back. Then he tucks her in the blanket, for good measure

"You're not mad that I'm unwell, right? I know you're here to take a break... but I don't have anything prepared as I was sick yesterday too..."

"No shithead, why would I be?" he questions, as he blinks at her. There are words buried in his lips that are hesitant to come out. But somewhere down the line, he knows they'll make her feel better.

"I," his voice trails off. "I-I'm glad t-that I'm here and you're not alone, having to take care of yourself."

And Mae's eyes light up. She's blessed indeed, to have someone as wonderful as him next to her.

Her fingers interlock with his, as he sits on the bed, next to her.

"Baby," she sighs. Tempted to bring his hand to her lips and peck it.

"Tch, is that your way of calling me short," Levi's face turns serious all of a sudden, and he raises a brow.

"What noo!" she exclaims, "Raz found herself a guy, and he calls her baby."

"That's such an uncommon thing to call your partner, is he a pedophile or something?"

Laughter escapes past Mae's throat at that. Trust Levi to make the cutest things dark. And then she starts coughing.

He turns her to the side, and starts rubbing her back.

"But isn't it cute." she pouts.

"Tch," Levi clicks his tongue in disdain.

"But Leviii, " Mae huffs, her brown eyes sparkle playfully. " I don't want to be 'brat' anymore, I want to be 'baby'."

"Well unfortunately for me you are a brat and a whiny baby as well." Levi smirks.

"I knew you weren't going to give in to this, which is why I'll find cute nicknames for you instead!"

She ponders for a minute.

"Sweet cake?"

He frowns.

"Okay Mr.Frown Face, how about buttercup then?"

"You're horrible at this" he blinks.

Thunder cackles and raindrops run down the window like tiny rivers. The overcast sky dims the room further. The sound of rain fills up the space, but the dreary weather doesn't dull the mood.

And when Levi places the napkin on Mae's forehead again, her heart races.

"Cupcake?"

"Ew."

"Pudding?"

"Not at all."

"Sugar Plum."

"Mae," Levi sighs, exasperated and partially embarrassed. "I'm an army officer who has killed hundreds of titans with ease. I'm Humanity's Strongest for god sake!"

And Mae sports a toothy, teasing smile. Fully knowing she's the only one who can get away with this. "But... but you were Humanity's Cutest before you were Humanity's Strongest."

And Levi looks back at her. Turning pink and ridden speechless.

"Okay how about pumpkin pie then?"

"I'm not the menu card of the bakery you dream of opening in the future."

"But all my desserts will be inspired by you and you only."

And Levi tries his best to act annoyed. But she has flustered him too much now, much against his own wishes.

He decides that someday if they ever end up having kids, he'll never let Mae name them.

━━━━━━━━━━━━

Sunlight slips past the narrow gaps in the curtains, making the dim room a tad bit bright. The morning sun rises past the trees, making the world get up from its slumber.

And the first thing Mae sees when her eyes open is Levi.

He's on the chair next to her, fanning her body.

Sitting exactly where he was, before she drifted to sleep.

And slowly the clogs in her brain start spinning.

"Levi," she gasps, almost horrified. "Did you not sleep at all?"

"I'm alright..." he mutters, but there's a softness in his gaze. "You're doing so much better now, I guess the wet cloth helped."

Surprisingly, he's not grumpy after not sleeping the entire night. Instead there's a tiny smile playing on his lips. He's happy she's gotten better.

"If you're feeling good, I'll do the other chores then." He says after a few minutes.

And Mae sits up at that, propping herself on her elbows. "I'll help too, my fever is almost gone-"

"No, you rest," he shushes her off by keeping his hand on her forehead. "Take it easy today."

And truly, Levi doesn't let her lift a finger.

He mops the floor. Cleans the cobwebs on the ceilings. Dusts the shelves.

And Mae watches, stuck to her bed.

Now he's sitting on the carpet, with his back to her. Folding all the freshly laundered clothes.

Guilt gnaws at the bottom of her stomach. He's stepping out for a mission the day after tomorrow. And yet she's making him work so much.

It's him who deserves rest, not her.

"I'm sorry for making you do all of this." her voice comes out timid. Still hoarse from the cough that has accumulated in her throat .

His actions pause, and he thinks for a moment, before answering. "Actually I like it... Makes me think of the type of life we would have if the titans didn't exist...Just the two of us, living together."

And Mae doesn't see the smile on his face as he stares down at the pile of clothes. She thinks it lies he's spouting to make her feel better. After all, who likes doing household chores... she hates them for sure.

And so she gets up from her bed, determined to help. But the mirror attached to the adjacent wall makes her stop in her tracks.

A frown forms as she catches her reflection in the mirror.

Her hair is oily and matted against her scalp. And she's not as toned as Levi in any way. Her thighs touch and her belly is not flat. Insecurities crawl underneath her skin.

"Why don't you date someone like Petra?" She asks, thinking out loud.

"Mae." Levi swivels around to see her. "She's not even an adult. How could you think something like that?" He speaks distastefully.

"But she'll grow up, you know... She's pretty, she's strong, and she's got a good body for sure."

Moisture wells up in her eyes. It's not just the guilt of him doing all the chores, it's something that has been troubling her for long.

And Levi sits baffled. He has no idea where this is coming from.

"It's so hard Levi... dating long distance," she sniffs. Her gaze still doesn't come off from the mirror in front of her. As she stands, so obsessed with finding faults in her. "You would be better off dating someone who's in the Corps. That way they'll at least be there for you when you need them, they can help you with all your work, and every message won't take a week to get delivered."

And Levi is on his feet in an instant. His arms reach out to her, and he pulls her into a hug

"Is it becoming too hard for you? Do you want to end it?" he whispers, masking his own heartbreak at the thought.

"It's hard," she ruminates. "But that's not the problem... The problem is that you deserve better." Her voice breaks, and another tear slips past her eye.

Because she sees all the women in town gawk about Humanity's Strongest and how attractive he must be. And she sees all the children that find their hero in him. She's nothing in comparison.

And one day she does hope to be slightly successful. With her own clinic, and a few regular patients. But for now she's just some doctor at a hospital in town. And her dreams seem so far-fetched.

"Look at me Levi... I'm not the best doctor, I'm not the smartest, and I'm not the prettiest... And you're Humanity's Strongest... Don't you see it? You can do so much better than me."

Their gaze meets in the mirror. And Levi stands stumped as he sees how moist her have turned moist.

He's never compared her with any other person he's met.

"But don't you see it?" He questions as if he's stating out the obvious. "You're the closest thing I have to normalcy." And normal sounds so wonderful to him. She doesn't have to be any more capable, or beautiful, she just has to be.

Of course there must be people who are better than her in many ways. But comfort, warmth, home, these are all words he only attaches to her.

His finger reaches below her chin, and he turns her face away from the mirror. Making her look at him. "You're more than your looks Mae, and you're more than your career... I hope you know that."

And she closes her eyes, as he presses a kiss on the top of her head.

"C-can I sit next to you while you fold those clothes?"

"Yes."

"I-I thought y-you were mad at me":

"Why would I be mad, silly?" He says as he ruffles her hair, making it a bigger mess.

"Don't let such crappy thoughts stuff up your head." He flicks her forehead. The next morning Mae wakes up feeling much better. Her throat still feels sore, and a mild headache still troubles . But there is peace in her heart and Levi in her arms.

That's all that matters.

━━━━━━━━━━━━

The night is young, and Mae and Levi have returned back home from their impromptu dinner date.

The curtains are drawn shut. The hearth is warm, cackling with fire. And Mae sits on the bed, changed into something more comfortable.

She was feeling better, and she really wanted to treat Levi to a good meal, before he leaves tomorrow morning.

Next to her bed is the sketch of her and Levi that she got at the Trost Fair. With her smile so big, it makes her eyes squint. Levi obviously sits with his poker face, and his arms crossed in front of him. But Mae loves the way the painter has colored his cheeks and the tips of his ear, slightly red.

A few minutes pass by, and the gears of the bathroom door shift into place.

The door is nudged open, and Levi slips inside. Fresh from his bath. With his inky wet hair clinging on to his face, and pearls of water still dripping down them.

Mae places the sketch in her hands, on the nightstand and withdraws a bottle of essential oil from the drawer. She raises a brow, slightly shaking the bottle as she gestures to levi.

And Levi feigns a sigh as he ambles over to her, and sits in front of her. With his back to her chest, and his butt positioned in between her legs.

She takes the towel that rests on his shoulder, and gently rubs it on his head. To dry his hair that is still dripping wet.

Mae likes to do all these small things for him, from buttoning the shirt he wears to tying the cravat around his neck. It makes her happy. Like she's being of some help to him.

"Are you using all the oils and seasonings I gave you?" She asks as she tosses the towel aside, and picks up the bottle of oil kept on her nightstand.

She pours some of the essential oil onto her palms Then she slides her oil-slathered fingers through his hair strands

"I try to," Levi mumbles, and his eyes flutter close, as he feels her fingers work their way through his scalp. "Tch, my hair is greasy again now... I hate this so much."

"Levi this is expensive, and Lavender really helps in aiding sleep, so you better shut up and follow the routine I have set for you." She speaks with seriousness. "And you take a shower like 5 times a day anyways."

And Levi knows the only say he has in this matter, is to complain, and then comply. So he closes his eyes, and enjoys the sensation of her fingers running through his hair.

And Mae feels sentimental too. She wants to make time pause.

Because when the sun rises tomorrow morning, Levi will be far away from her. Outside the walls. It's a feeling that she's still not used to. Of not knowing whether this moment she's spending with him will be their last together.

"Levi..." she calls out. "You remember the day when you became Humanity's Strongest... back when I was working in the Survey Corps? ... You came back injured and I was treating you."

Levi hums, in correspondence.

"That day Petra told me, that you fight as if you have nothing to lose.... But now that we're together. Does that change anything? Does that mean that you have something you are scared to lose?"

The question renders Levi quiet for some minutes. Or maybe it's that he knows the answer fully well, but he is just hesitant.

He drums his fingers on to his chin, and after some serious contemplation, he finally answers."You are i-important to me Mae, but you aren't more important than humanity... And I do have something to lose now, but I can't let that change the way I fight.. Because if I start fighting like a person who is scared to lose what he has, then humanity might lose as well, and that is something that everyone fears."

It's the bitter truth, the pill that's hard to swallow. She's fallen in love with a man, who will always keep his duties first.

She slides her arms around his chest, and pulls him closer. His back presses her chest, and she rests her chin on his shoulder. "That's the right decision. After all, I'm just a person."

Her fingers graze across his bare chest, caressing all the scars his battles have given him. The moment is delicate yet heavy with emotions.

And Mae decides that it's time to release the feelings that have consumed her heart since forever.

"I love you Levi." The words are tender, like a kiss on his nape.

He doesn't have to say it back.

He doesn't even have to turn his head and look at her.

Because love is the softness in his eyes when he looks at her. And the sweetness in his emotions when he comes home to her.

And Levi closes his eyes as he relishes the moment. It feels safe here in her arms, like no force in this world can harm him. And for once he doesn't hide the red that settles on his cheek.

"Thank you..." he speaks with a certain heaviness.And a sigh escapes his mouth, as he realizes that his weekend getaway is close to an end. Just a few hours from now he'll be outside the walls

Sometimes he fantasizes about what it would be like if he wasn't in the Survey Corps. Just him and her, living their life as a simple couple.

To divide all the household chores, and cook meals together. To go on dates on the weekend, and to bicker like a couple. Marry her, after a few years and maybe have little versions of him and her run around the house.

It's a far fetched dream, but Levi can't help but indulge in the thought for a couple of minutes.

The Survey Corps, the title of Humanity's Strongest, and the titans outside the walls. He wants to run away from it all. He's strong and no one would be able to track him down.

But the guilt in his mind would haunt him forever.

And it's indeed a curse that such exceptional strength and skill lands on his shoulders. And he wields the responsibilities as Humanity's Strongest soldier. He can't let all the people that look up to him down.

━━━━━━━━━━━━

The weather is dreary today. Heavy gray clouds loom over the sky, like a blanket. And occasional drops of rain fall to the ground. In a light drizzle.

Not many people line the streets, but there's still a small crowd. And they watch wide eyed, as the Survey Corps trot with their horses. Dawned in their olive capes.

Mae stands in the crowd as well, lost . Her height doesn't help much at all. And she tries balancing on her toes, tipping left and right, in the push of the crowd.

"ERWIN DANCHOU, WIN BACK WHAT HUMANITY HAS LOST." Loud cheers erupt.

"LEVI HEICHOU KILL ALL THE TITANS FOR US." The crowd raves, and Mae stands on the sidelines.

Moisture settles in the corner of her eyes as she looks at him longingly.

How can she ask him to not go when everyone is counting on him?

How can she ask him to stop, when he is leaving to serve all of humanity?

She thought this would get easier as the time passed by, but nope.

It's a feeling she still hasn't gotten used to.

Fleetingly, his eyes meet hers. He sees the way they glow, heavy with tears and the way her lips tremble. His gaze softens, almost caressing her with the way he's looking.

He flashes her a small smile, his gaze flickering to the gate and then back to her. To anyone, the action is hardly noticeable, but Mae gets his message loud and clear.

Let me go, will you? He says to her.

The tear caged in her eye falls freely. Her hand flies up and she bears a shaky smile as she waves at him.

The moment is short-lived but etched forever in his heart.

This chapter may feel like a filler chapter, but I just wanted to talk about how Levi and Mae's relationship is now that they are long distance. And how they are in a relationship as well (before I start getting to the actual AOT plot lol)

It's been a few months now, so Levi is more comfortable initiating physical touch.

I hope their character growth is noticeable, because it isn;t really obvious.

Mae says I love you but doesn't expect it back, and Levi doesn't say it back. That's something that would have crushed Chapter 18 Mae. But now Mae feels secure.

Its kind of rushed but Levi and Mae have grown, understanding each others imperfections better. Mae is more secure, she doesn't need Levi reminding her that he needs her again and again, because she sees his effort

And Levi too is trying to communicate his feelings even though they make him feel weak and vulnerable. (Him saying he's glad he's here). And he's trying to be sweeter when Mae needs sweetness (telling Mae that she's more than her looks and her career).

Let me know your views on the chapter!

As always constructive criticism is also welcomed!

To all the people who keep up with this fic despite all the irregular and late uploads, I am very very grateful to have you! <3

I will see you again with the next chapter! And HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Taglist: @keijikunn @evas-leslas @leviackermanmyhero245 (message me if you want to be added)

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levis-coffeecup · 5 months

Text

chapter 21| Carnival of Life

WC-5.1k

Summary

The underground is filthy and dark. Dim lights, dull alleys, and desperate hearts. A place Levi knows as well as the back of his hand, and a place he would do anything to get out of.

But life on the surface seems tougher amidst all the mockery, civilities, and the gaping hole left in his heart, after the demise of his dear friends Isabel and Farlan.

Content/Warnings

canon- compliant, canon-typical violence, spoilers for No Regrets OVA, descriptions of PTSD, grief, depression, heavy angst and themes, strong language, self-hate, physical assault.

Author’s Note

Hi guysss!!!

I'm sorry it's been soo long. But the next chapter is finally out!!

Song for this chapter is Seneca by Novo Amor.

Chapters

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22

Masterlist | Playlist | Other Works

MAY 847

15 minutes are left before the clock strikes 4. The weather is pleasant. And people have started to fill the place. Ready to experience the renowned Trost fair.

Mae prances around as well, with enthusiasm in her every step. Her flowy-cotton sundress dances with the breeze. Her lips painted a rosy pink

Timidly Levi walks behind her, unable to think of anything other than her lips. And the color it would leave off on his, when they press against each other for a kiss.

Her hair bounces, with her every step. It has gotten so much thicker now. And her skin glows. Healthy and radiant even though a few zits are littered here and there.

Hange told him to compliment her. Apparently it's what men should do when their partner makes an effort to get dressed for an outing. And he racks his brain religiously, thinking of something that doesn’t make him sound like a dumbstruck idiot.

“Levi!,” Mae whines, as she turns to face him. “What are you doing there, walking so slow? Nothing will happen with the pace you’re on.”

“M-Mae..” He staggers forth, and she stops in her tracks, sensing his discomfort.

“Yes Levi, is something bothering you?” Her tone turns much softer.

“Y-your s-skin, it looks v-very good t-today.” If he had the courage, he would also tuck away the stray hair that falls in front of her face.

And Mae narrows her eyes as she looks at him, a little dazed. Currently she is sporting the biggest pimple on her nose.

“You know… no leakage or anything… It's intact… holds the organs in tight,” Levi continues, shying away at the way her eyes sparkle in the sun.

His gaze falls to the floor. And she pats him on the chest, with a smug smile on her face. “You’re cute,” she grins… as she boops his nose.

The gnawing winter tendrils have melted from the atmosphere. Summer has blossomed. And with time, Mae and Levi’s relationship has grown too.

Conversation has become easier. Efforts have become clearer. And understanding comes a little more naturally than before.

And now Levi is leaving in 2 weeks. The Survey Corps has to relocate. The thought itself saddens Mae. Just when things were getting better between them, the universe had to push them apart.

The chaos of the crowd ahead acts as a good distraction.

It feels like the entire city is here. People stand at every nook and corner. Paper lanterns are hung down from street lamps, and pillar tops. The tantalizing smell of sweets and the distant sound of music fills the air.

And protectively, Levi takes a hold of her hand, “Stick close, wouldn’t want you getting lost.”

The streets of Trost have become somewhat familiar. Levi has been coming here almost every week. Mainly because he’s dead set on finding Mae a house in Trost.

He’s made her quit her job at the tavern. And he’s also helping her financially to cover up for the money she would make at the tavern.

And Mae seems so much happier.

Time paces by incredibly fast in the mob. Mae prances around enthusiastically. Dragging Levi around…. Now they stand in the long line that starts at the food stalls.

It's crowded, people talk a lot, and they smell of sweat. Levi hates it, he’s only here because Mae has been very excited about this fair. She would come here every year, with her family when she was a kid.

“Levi! It's been an hour, and you haven’t had anything.” She speaks with a mouthful of cotton candy in her mouth.

“Because I don’t like sweets and you’ve been revolving around the same 3 sweet shops for the past hour,” he jabs.

“But Levi!...,” she pouts. “I want you to have fun as well. Tell me what you want to do, and we’ll do that.”

And Levi looks at her with the same blank face, that does no favors in showing what he’s thinking. I’m happy as long as you’re having a good time.

“Levi, say something!” She whines.

“I just want to sit in a quiet place, where people aren’t pushing me around and going crazy over stupid cotton candy.”

“You want to sit… Sit in a fair?” she chuckles. It takes her a moment to realize that Levi isn’t joking. And swiftly she grabs his hand, and pulls him along. Moving away from the long lines at the food stalls.

“I’ve got you covered.” she smirks. She takes him deeper into the fair. Inward and inward until she finds a quiet alley, with just a few stalls around.

And Mae’s eyes widen as they land on a middle-aged man who sits on a wooden stool. “He’s still here…,” she gasps in disbelief. And she takes a seat on the bench placed a few meters ahead of him.

2 hours later, they are still sitting on the bench, with Mae flashing a teeth-baring smile and Levi sporting his grumpy frown.

The young man in front of them has paint splattered over his hands now. And he scrunches his brows as he focuses on the canvas in front of him. “It’s almost done ma’am.”

Levi lets out an exhausted sigh at that.

It's boring, just sitting her still like a fucking statue or something.

But the other day Mae was talking about how she’s forgetting the faces of her parents.

It's something that he has experienced quite often as well. The feeling of forgetting the people that were once the closest to your heart. To completely lose touch, even in thought as their memory becomes distant and blurry

If he could, he would like to have a picture of all his lost loved ones as well. His mother, Kenny, Isabel and Farlan.

By the time the painting is finished, the sun is close to setting. Leaving the sky in shades of lavender and pink.

But Mae’s energy remains unwavering. Levi finds it a little hard to believe that this is the same lady that gets exhausted after 15 mins of cleaning.

“You want to play some games?”. She chirps, with her eyes wide.

“Tch yeah, drag me wherever…”

A couple of minutes later, Mae stands in an aiming stance. With some distance between her feet, her hips squared and one eye squinted as she focuses on the strawberry pasty ahead.

And Levi sighs, as she's back to food once again.

The game is simple, a table full of prizes is kept a few meters away . From sweets to soft toys and embroidered napkins as well. And the player has to aim a bunch of rings towards what they want.

“I haven’t had a strawberry pastry in so long Levi… and that… that looks so good. I’ll be the happiest if I get to have it.” She tosses the ring in her hand, towards the dish.

It misses, quite terribly. But Mae doesn’t let that diminish her confidence. “Just wait and watch me get it Levi… Nothing separates me from my pastry… ever.”

She aims, she throws, and she terribly misses.

The next 2 go far past the stall table. The third falls far to the right. One manages to bounce of one another prize

All of a sudden the game seems like nothing but an evil scheme to make people feel defeated. She aims again, this time it falls a meter away.

And Levi turns away to look elsewhere.

His shoulders quake and he presses his lips hard. Trying his hardest to contain the laughter that he’s about to burst into. She is hopelessly shitty when it comes to aiming.

“You only have 2 chances left ma'am,” the conductor pipes in.

“2?” She mutters in a saddened voice, and Levi’s ears perk up at that.

She throws away another ring, hopelessly. This one doesn’t even reach the table. And she raises her other hand up as well, wanting to throw away the last ring in sheer frustration. But Levi’s voice stops her.

“Mae, wait,” he calls out…

He walks forward and positions himself behind her. Slowly, he raises his arms up, and places his hands on hers. Moving them around and guiding her body into a better stance.

Her back presses into his chest. And she can feel his breath on the curve of her neck. “Just pretend like you’re holding on to it, and let me take the aim,” he whispers into her ears.

She nods, a little too flustered. He’s so close to her, she’s sure he can hear the rampant beat of her heart.

He guides her arm, his fingers grip the ring, right alongside hers. And then he tosses it away. And she just follows his hand, making it look like the both of them are aiming at the ring.

The ring rattles as it falls right on the designated place, with the strawberry pastry in its exact center.

A victorious grin spreads across her face. And Levi watches as a lovesick man as she picks up the strawberry pastry and brings it to him.

They start walking towards the other end of the fair. The commotion still lingers in the distance. but the number of stalls starts to visibly lessen.

A chilly wind blows, and Levi and Mae find a bench, a little away from everything.

The dusky sky has turned dark. And there’s a couple kissing in the distance, too lost in each other to give a damn about the world.

And Mae has finally accepted that her relationship with Levi might never be like every other one.

He’s lost more than he has loved. And in a few days he’ll be living far away from her too.

“Time is ticking by so fast isn’t it?” Her voice turns somber. She shifts a little closer to him, fighting back the tears in her eyes.

And Levi’s gaze falls down. He has nothing to say. Nothing to make the situation better. He’s scared that he’ll touch her and she’ll shatter at the strength his hand holds. That someday she will disappear and all his fears would come alive.

And his hand tremors, as he pats her head. Every moment he spends with her, fills him up with thoughts of losing her.

“I’m sorry.” the words come out of his mouth, barely audible. “I’m sorry…” he says again. “Only if I hadn’t fucked up, and made you quit your job at the Survey Corps.”

And Mae pauses for a minute, before she looks back at him

“It was hard Levi…but I think it was good. I had this version of you in my mind, that I admired and then shit happened and I didn’t know you anymore… I realize that I still don’t know you yet, but I think that's great, because I’m always learning about you. About your flaws, about what you think and how you feel. So at least I’m not loving what I think of you.”

Love… He doesn’t understand such heavy words… Nor does he know if he’s worth all the effort she puts into him? Slowly his hand reaches to hers, he gives it a gentle squeeze. The roughness of his fingertips, is contrary to the softness of her skin.

There is an unsaid apology in his actions.

So many things hold him back. Life hasn’t been kind to him. He wonders if the burden on his back will be lighter if he lets go of it?

Mae squeezes his hand back in response. A soft smile resting on her face as she adores him with her eyes.

She knows about his past now. And so she understands why the walls around his heart stand so strong. Hammered again and again and strengthened by every loss.

People give the love that they never received. For Levi, it was safety and security. It was coming to Trost multiple times, and finding her a safe house, before the Survey Corps leaves. It was supporting her financially even though he himself doesn’t make a ton of money.

He’s always kept her safety above everything. It was her who took it for granted, because unlike him, it was never something she had to fight for.

“You’re perfect to me.” Her words are like a balm on all his wounds. Lies but still soothing. Because Levi is by no means perfect.

He is a person who has killed and tortured countless people. Heck, he was close to using violence on her as well.

But to Mae, Levi is a person who had all the chances to become the worst person in the world, and yet he chose to be someone good.

She places her head on his chest. Hearing the stable beat of his heart;.

And for a doctor, who has heard millions of heartbeats, his is different. Even though it sounds the same. Because his heart is one that is unaffected by the bitterness of this world and the cruelty it has witnessed. It's a heart that can still care; a heart that can still love..

And Mae decides that she’ll love him no matter what.

The feeling of his fingers in her hair is familiar. Just like the smell of his freshly laundered clothes. And perhaps, there is finds hope in these fragile beginnings of love

━━━━━━━━━━━━

JUN 847

The Survey Corps headquarters doesn’t look as intimidating today. The walls look bleak, torches don’t light up the hallway anymore. And the chatter of the cadets is almost inaudible.

A few senior officers pass by in a hurry. Their hands filled with suitcases. And Mae watches from the side, as the life in the headquarters slowly dims away.

She extends her hand out, letting her fingers rover over the textured brick walls as she walks through the hallways.

It's a bittersweet feeling.

She remembers the days when she would work here. With Levi acting rude and cold, and Mr. Mendes was pestering her about marriage.

She was dying to leave this place back then, and now she stands here, not knowing when she’ll see this place again.

Time sure flies by quick, and a wistful smile tugs on her face.

Soon she reaches her location. The familiar door is slightly open as usual. She knocks and then pushes it open.

“Hange!,” she calls out. Their messy room almost looks clean today.

“Mae!,” they greet, adjusting their spectacles into place. They’re on the floor, with two huge suitcases that don’t seem like they are going to close.

“Having a hard time packing,” Mae chuckles.

“Yup I've got so much stuff… Mainly books, but other stuff too.”

“Welp, sadly I got some more stuff for you,” Mae keeps the carry bag in her hand on Hange’s bed. “It’s a gift.”

“The other one’s for Levi?” Hange questions, as she looks at the other bag hanging from her shoulder. “He’s staying at yours tonight, right? Oh! I completely forgot to congratulate you on your new house!” Their thoughts run too fast and they blabber. “Are you settled in yet?”

“Almost” Mae chuckles at the onslaught of questions. “Levi has been helping me move in, and we've bought basic furniture... He chipped in and helped me buy the place too. He didn’t want me staying in Jinae, when he wasn’t there.”

“So Levi will join us in two days… directly at the new headquarters?”

“Yes, Erwin permitted him to do so.”

“I’m glad!” Hange beams. “Everything is working out so well for you now! You’re living in a safer area, you have your own house and you also don’t have to work two jobs.”

“It is…” Mae replies. But there’s a sadness in her smile, and the tears forming in her eyes tell Hange otherwise.

“But you’re not happy are you?’ Hange gets up from the floor, and walks closer to Mae.

“It’s hard… You guys are moving away. I’ll miss you. I feel so defeated… I feel like whenever I take one step forward, life pushes me two steps back.”

They envelop her in a tight hug, rubbing her back to make her feel better. “Don’t worry Mae, when I start experimenting on Titans, you’ll be the first one to hear about it!”

“Hange,” Mae whimpers. “ Please take good care of him. He seems all mechanical and emotionless, but he is a really sensitive baby… And a lot of things affect him but he’s so used to putting on a tough front that he doesn’t realize any of it.….. I know he hasn’t opened up to you fully yet, but he will. And I have told him to come speak to you, when he wants to get things off his chest. Please protect his heart in my stead.”

And they wipe off the tears rolling down her cheeks. Flashing the warmest smile as they say, “I will protect your little guy with everything I have… alright?”

A shaky smile forms on her face, and she hugs them again. “Thank you.”

“Now go… kiss him goodbye.” They pat her back as they walk her to the door. “You have one night with him… do much more actually.” They wink.

“M-much more?,” Mae stammers. Her face heats up, turning beet red. “What noo! W-we haven’t kissed y-yet!”

And a hearty chuckle escapes Hange’s lips. “Gosh! You guys are slow, sometimes I wonder where this relationship would have been without me.”

━━━━━━━━━━━━

Levi sits next to the window, sipping the last remnants of the tea in his cup.

The bustle of Trost plays in the background like white noise. And his eyes scan through Mae’s new house.

It’s a 2-storey cottage. The walls are old, made of the same bricks that he sees in every other aged building. The rooms are tiny too, or cozy as Mae likes to call them. The doors creak once in a while. And the ceilings are so damn high, she’ll probably have to get on his shoulder to clean all the cobwebs.

They were out of time, and they didn’t have the money to buy her a better place. And in no way, was Levi going to let Mae stay in that metal shed, once he left.

The tea in his cup, nears its end. And his eyes land on the sketch Mae got of him and her at the carnival. It's framed, placed on the dining table. And he pauses, as the heavy feeling he was trying to forget fills up his heart once again.

The clock ticks, making every passing second audible. “Mae I’m leaving.” His voice booms through the walls.

“Coming,” Mae’s voice echoes from the floor above. And soon she’s rushing down the stairs, with a tote bag in her hand.

One look at him, and she freezes. The fact that he’s leaving hits her with full force. And she wonders what she’ll do here, in the house she thought she’d share with him? Without him.

Levi stiffens too. He pushes his chair back, and stands up.

He can tell she’s been crying. Dreading this moment, that now stands so close.

His hands get clammy. And her lips quiver as she walks closer to him.

They stand a foot apart now. And Mae takes a stabilizing breath, because Levi stands so close yet the idea of him seems so farfetched.

Her hand lands on his cheek, relishing the smoothness of his skin. She doesn’t know when she’ll see him next. Or whether she’ll see him all fine, or tarnished with bruises, doused in his own blood.

The thought breaks her will. Her neck falls down, heavy with the pain of separation. And the top of her head rests flat against his chest. Slowly her shoulders start to shake, trying to contain the sobs that are close to spilling.

She doesn’t want Levi to see her break down like this. Not when, it's the last time he’s seeing her for a month at least.

But Levi not only sees, he also feels what he’s feeling. All her pain hits him right in the heart.

It's going to be hard, not being able to see the person you see everyday. It's going to be hard to wait for letters when you are so used to hearing their chatter. And it's going to hit even harder when something joyful or depressing happens and there is no one to share your emotions with.

With all the gentleness, he lifts her head, cupping her cheek with tenderness.

“You know I’m going to visit you whenever it's possible, right?”

And Mae knows that’s not going to be frequent because Levi hardly finds time for himself. But somehow she still finds the strength to be optimistic.

“And you’ll write to me.” She places her hands over his chest.

“Yes, I will write to you, every week, no excuses,' He smirks fondly, recalling all the demands she made a few days prior. His lips press to her forehead, a kiss bestowed on it.

She brings the tote bag up to her chest. And her hands dig in, bringing a few glass bottles out.

“These are some spices and seasonings here, the food they serve at headquarters is very bland, and I don’t know how you have it. And food isn’t just for getting nutrients, but also for enjoying how it tastes.”

“Chamomile tea, Levi I know you don’t like it much, but it is fucking expensive and you sleep better with it, so you better have it.”

“Scented Candles, Lavender essential oil, you know what it's for…” Her sermon stops as she sees the last item in the bag. Slowly she brings it out, not too proud of it,

It’s a teddy bear. Tan in color and messily stitched.

But what catches Levi’s eye is the big baby pink heart on its chest. Matching the color of the small circles on its cheek. Its smile is wide, and its arms are broad and open.

“Umm,” Mae fumbles, a little conscious. “I also made you a teddy bear… thought you could hold it close, when you’re missing me.”

There’s a heaviness in the moment, but her love makes everything surprisingly sweet. And Levi finds the courage to pull her close. One arm around her waist, and the other holding her head close to his chest.

And in the safe enclosure of his arms, Mae breaks a little further.

“Do you e-ever regret it……. Being with me instead of Ivan?” Levi asks as he dotingly pets her head.

And Mae looks up at him, nodding her head in an instant.

“You are worth it.” she muffles against his chest

And Levi doesn’t know what she sees in him, or what he even has to offer. Nevertheless, he’s glad she’s blind when it comes to him. It makes his life so much better.

His thumb he wipes off the tear that slips down her cheek,

“I hope you don’t keep things within yourself, like you always do… Let me know when things are becoming too much for you..” Because as much as it would hurt to let her go, he would rather see her happier.

“Levi!,” She hits his chest.. “Don't say things like that. Instead, tell me that you’ll come meet me often.. I’ll wait for you… here. In our new house.”

His hand lands atop of her head, wanting to feel more of her than just her palm on his cheek. Fingers mingling around strands of her hair, as he ruffles them with fondness. There is a faint smile playing on his lips, hardly perceptible, but she knows it there when she sees his eyes, bright and sparkling.

I’ll wait for you too, always.

“You promise me you’ll take good care of yourself, and follow the routine I have set for you to sleep… And if something is bothering you, you go to Hange. I know you think of her as some loud freak who can’t keep a thing in her mouth, but she’s good with secrets. And she’ll never judge you okay.”

“Just like she kept our relationship a secret.” He retorts… as if he hasn’t vented to Hange about the relationship too.

Her face pales and she whines. “You’re going off topic.”

It gets silent for a second before Mae goes off again. “And remember to take breaks, and enjoy some times. Before Humanity’s Strongest, you’re a human who deserves to enjoy life too.”

And Levi caresses her head again, a small smile playing on his lips. “I promise, anymore demands you have to make?”

A slight pink tinges her cheeks. “Yes.” Mae bites her lip, and her gaze flicks to the floor, almost hesitant. ”I brushed my teeth thrice today.”

“Good,” he says a little cluelessly. “Do that every day.”

She huffs, looking straight into his eyes. Her brows are furrowed and all signs of her shyness are somehow gone. “I want to kiss you.”

Now it’s Levi’s turn to blush. “Y-you do…. I mean o-of course you-u…d-do” his voice trails off. All of a sudden he is unable to form a coherent sentence. It feels like all his brain functions have stopped and all he can do is nod his head timidly.

Mae steps closer to him and wraps her arms around his neck. She gets up on her tippy toes, as she tries to reach his lips. His heart accelerates as the distance between them lessens. The tips of their nose almost touch and he can feel her soft breaths tickling his skin.

All of a sudden he is hyper aware of everything happening in his body. From the budding heat in his cheeks, to the weakness he feels in his knees. He often wonders about what it is like to kiss, but now that it is actually happening, he can’t help but be flooded by insecurity.

His body turns static. And doubt fills Mae’s mind when she sees how rigid he is. Like the flame of a candle, against a breeze, her resolve is flickering, struggling to keep calm.

His eyes are boring into hers, wide and apprehensive.Her heart skips a beat, and she closes her eyes to run off from his intimidating ones. She leans closer and closer, until she feels something against her lips. But it's not lips…..it's skin?

Her eyes flash open and she finds her lips pecking the area under his nose

First hand, second-hand, every kind of embarrassment crams into her head. Mother of fucking god, what a disaster! She steps back, looking at Levi, to gauge his emotions,

His lips are wobbling, and he is horribly failing to contain the chuckle that is about to leave his mouth.

“You….you ,” laughter ripples past his lips, “have su-such a terrible a-aim.”

Her arms cross over her chest, eyes narrowing as she looks at him with a pout on her face. In an instant her hand flies towards his cravat, balling its fabric and pulling him down to her level.

In a millisecond, her lips are onto his.

And he freezes, his hands sticking to his side and profusely sweating.

Her lips are soft, almost cushion-like against his. Slightly they part encasing his lower lip. The slant of her nose is pressed right next to his. And the scent of her lavender lotion is all around him, aggravating the flapping butterflies that tumble in his stomach.

And Levi is sure that the only thing that is holding him still, is the warmth of her body, pressed against his. Anchoring him yet throwing him off the edge.

With her other hand, she strokes his jaw. Her fingers are as warm and as sweaty as his. And with a single touch, his doubts evaporate into thin air.

She can feel the fluttering of his lashes, until he finally shuts them close, and releases the breath he has been holding in since forever. His arms wrap around her waist and his lips start mingling with hers, moving subtly yet cluelessly.

Warmth blossoms in her chest, as she finally feels him responding , albeit awkwardly. She can’t help but smile.

He is trying, and he’s trying for her.

And soon he forgets about his clammy hands and the adrenaline rushing through his veins. Instead, he kisses her deeper, holds her tighter, so close that he can feel her heart thumping against his.

Their heartbeats harmonize. And for a fleeting moment, Levi forgets that he is going miles away from her. For a fleeting moment, everything feels right, and he realizes that he wants to stay here forever. In her arms, losing himself in her touches.

Slowly they part, foreheads pressed as they take a moment to catch their breath. Mae’s hand is still latched on to his cravat as her eyes flutter open.

Everything from the tip of Levi’s ears to the curve of his cheek is beet red. His eyes are still shut close, and his neck is slightly craned down, still in the same position in which they kissed.

Her lips twitch upwards at his cuteness.

“A terrible aim, huh?” A smug grin flashes across her lips.

And Levi’s eyes shoot open.

She is beaming with joy, his gaze falls upon the crinkle by her eyes, which forms only when she smiles that wide.

Her hands reach out to his rumpled cravat, as she fixes it for one last time. Every touch, however innocent it may be, stirs something deep in his heart. It awakens the desire to forget all about the titans and just settle down with her.

Picking up the bag with all his gifts, he walks towards the door. A minute longer and he might actually end up staying here forever .

“Bye Levi, take care.” Her words are sweet, but they leave a bitter taste in her mouth.

And all he can muster is a slight nod of his head, as he steps out of the door. All calm and aloof, except the tint of red on his face.

Right when he is about to turn and leave the alley, he twists back, and sees her figure. Now distant but still standing at the doorway.

His mind pushes back to how he has lost someone at every stage of his life. She’s living in Trost now, much closer to the titans. All it's going to take is one kick through the gate, and all his fears will come true.

The thought itself rattles something restless in his bones. He’s not here to protect her and he can only hope that she stays alive for him.

He waves at her. Until next time. Don’t die…..please.

More angst haha!

I feel like such an evil person sometime lol, but this is an AOT fanfic, so I wouldn't want to keep it all cherries and roses.

I lowkey feel like my writing style has completely changed. I'm writing shorter sentences now and keeping the wording simple too. I think it's easier to read through now, but let me know what you think about it...

Let me know what you guys thought about the chapter! As always constructive criticism is always welcomed!

Until next time! (which is hopefully soon🤞🤞🤞)

Taglist: @keijikunn @evas-leslas @leviackermanmyhero245 (message me if you want to be added)

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levis-coffeecup · 8 months

Text

chapter 20| Through the Storm

WC-4.9k

Summary

The underground is filthy and dark. Dim lights, dull alleys, and desperate hearts. A place Levi knows as well as the back of his hand, and a place he would do anything to get out of.

But life on the surface seems tougher amidst all the mockery, civilities, and the gaping hole left in his heart, after the demise of his dear friends Isabel and Farlan.

Content/Warnings

canon- compliant, canon-typical violence, spoilers for No Regrets OVA, descriptions of PTSD, grief, depression, heavy angst and themes, strong language, self-hate, physical assault.

Author’s Note

Hi guys!

It's been long. And I am incredibly sorry for promising to publish chapter by Sunday, yet doing that today. I feel incredibly guilty, like I've been taking everyone who reads this story for granted.

I've genuinely been quite busy. I have my college, my part time job and I also have to cook and clean for myself. And in all honesty, I've also lost my interest in completing this fic. So i have to push myself, rather than actually looking forward to writing it. But I'm not giving up on it yet, I've promised a few people that I will get it finished, and so I will.

@musumusuhasi a huge reason for one of the scenes in the chapter is because you told me Mae was always very cutesy, and never strong. I hope I've made that better, and if not please do let me know! (And if you don't read the fic anymore, then that's understandable too:)

Also since I've posted after a long time and if you've forgotten what happened in the previous chapter; here's a recap. Mae and Levi attend Ivan's wedding. Mr. Mendes is still mad at Mae and yells at her about Levi being a bad decision (ends up revealing that Levi is an underground thug.) Mae feels defeated because Levi didn't tell her this and starts losing faith in their relationship. She talks to Ivan, and Ivan comforts her, and lets her know that Levi still loves her, and their love for each other is pure.

Song for this chapter is I can't help falling in love with you.

Chapters

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22

Masterlist | Playlist | Other Works

JAN 847

The wind growls, as it blows harshly. The morning sunlight barely reaches the ground.

In the stroke of a night, the rain has turned into snow. The first snow of Mitras, but it seems more like a storm. And Mae is not prepared at all.

Her fingertips have gone numb, and the ache in her head seems never ending. Her dress is wet from all the snowfall. And she shudders as she walks through the snow covered ground.

It feels like death is close. Her entire body shivers, almost violently. But a certain fire inside her keeps her going, despite the odds.

The world seems abandoned, people stay cooped in the warmth of their houses. And pellets of snow hit her head, as she walks ahead. It’s been hours since she’s been on the road. And she swears she wants to cry tears of joy when she finally spots the two-storey building with the Military Police symbol painted on it.

Her pace fastens, and with the last of her energy she pushes past the gate.

And everyone at the police station looks up, as they see a young lady on their door. Drenched from head to toe, turning blue from all the cold.

“I-I h-have a missing c-complaint to file,” Mae speaks in between shudders, leaning against the doorframe, tired enough to collapse at the moment.

And the officer in front gets up. He decides he doesn’t think too highly of her. For one it's way too risky walking out in the snow so underdressed. She could have died in some corner, and no one would have even noticed.

Nevertheless, he takes one of the coats hung on the wall and offers it to her. “Here, you’ll die in the cold if you dress up this way, miss.”

And Mae still shivers from the cold, But her eyes are resolute.

“Sir Ellias, “ she reads the badge attached to his shirt. “I have a missing complaint to file.”

And Ellias gawks back at her, sizing her up.

He doesn’t understand what brings her here. Wearing no gloves and a light jacket in a fucking snowstorm.

And so he wraps the coat around her trembling shoulders, and leads her towards his desk.

“Levi… his name is Levi.” Her voice comes out raw and vulnerable.

Levi has disappeared. She has checked everywhere. He wasn’t in their hotel room. He wasn’t anywhere near the wedding location. And he wasn’t even around all the popular tea shops in Mitras.

His wallet lays on their hotel bed, long forgotten. And the suitcase, packed with half his clothes, remains untouched too.

It's been 8 hours since Mae’s talk with Ivan, and there is still no sight of Levi. She has waited for him the entire night, and now the snow on the ground is at least a foot high.

It's too late… She worries something must have happened to him.

A young lady places a tray of warm tea on the table. Its smell wafts through the air, and Mae’s eyes well up. The drink warms both her throat and her heart.

She just hopes Levi is alright wherever he is.

“The name is Levi you said?” Elias reconfirms as he puts it down on paper.

“Mhm,” she nods vigorously. “He is quite short but his build is strong. His skin is pale and his eyebags are really big and prominent. His hair is black and he works in the Survey Corps… He also has-”

Elias stops writing. Face morphing into one of confusion. ”Wait…” he cuts her off. “Are you talking about Humanity’s Strongest? Captain Levi? Or is this someone e-”

“Yes.” Mae answers, exasperated. “It's him, he’s gone missing.”

Hope glimmers in her eyes.

People know Levi, and she’s one step closer to finding him.

But disbelief settles in Elias’s.

Slowly it shifts to mirth. A beat of silence passes by, and then a soft chuckle escapes his lips.

“What the hell, why are you laughing?” Mae scoffs, eyebrows scrunching in disapproval. ”This is a serious matter.”

Her words only makes him laugh louder. It adds to Mae’s temper.

“EXCUSE ME.” She bangs her fist on the table and gets up. And even though exhaustion is heavy in her voice, her eyes burn bright red.

“Have you ever seen that guy? Is this some sort of a prank?.” He speaks in between laughs. “Even death would be scared of him.”

“So you are telling me he couldn’t have been caught up in this snow storm and might need help?”

“He is fully capable of protecting himself… you’d know that if you’d met him.”

And Mae’s lips tremble as she remembers the last time she saw him.

He wasn’t even able to meet her gaze. He looked so vulnerable… Like a kitten left astray.

“He’s not made of stone.” her voice comes out as a whimper.

“But he’s got a heart of stone,” Ellias rebuttals as he crumbles the missing form and tosses it towards the bin.” Humanity’s strongest can look after himself… There’s a reason why he’s Humanity’s Strongest…”

And Mae gapes. Her head throbs, with the texture of pain. Her body aches for a minute's rest. But somehow she finds the energy to create a scene.

And she leans forward towards Elias, with her hands placed on the table and her arms stretched straight

“EXCUSE ME…” she sneers. “I’m here to file a missing complaint and it's your duty to look into it. Instead you’re telling me that I’m lying... Just because you’re a lazy bum who can’t get himself to work… people like yo-”

The door is yanked open with a bang, Mae flinches and Elias looks towards it.

Out comes a tall - middle-aged man, wearing a large black overcoat and a… bowler hat even though he’s indoors.

His jet black hair is gelled to the black. And his face sports a pronounced scowl. “OI!” He calls out. “What’s all this ruckus this early in the morning?”

The atmosphere suddenly changes, and Ellias straightens himself. Slightly scared.

“Sir…” his voice trails off, a lump forming in his throat.

“I have a missing complaint to file, I’m afraid it’s not being taken seriously.” Mae beats him to it, as she pushes her chair back..

“He doesn’t work in that department,” Ellias pokes in, but Mae moves ahead regardless

And Kenny smirks in glee at the sight of her.

Missing complaints are not something he concerns himself with. He’s here to work for the King,, not to solve some minor civil problems and save some damsel in distress.

But he’s bored, and she’s a wreck. It will be good entertainment.

“Sir… Captain Levi has been missing for the past 8 hours, and we all know how harsh the snow storm is.” Mae explains , hoping she receives the help she’s here for her.

And Kenny’s eyes blow wide, more with concern than surprise.

Captain Levi. The title sounds pleasant to his ears.

Now he can’t help but stay.

“See, I told you she is crazy” Elias sputters to cover up. “I think the cold has gotten to her head or something… which maniac walks out in the cold like that.”

“THE COLD HAS NOT GOTTEN TO MY HEAD.” Mae’s eyes flash dangerously at Elias, and she shifts her attention towards Kenny. Deeming him more competent.

But Kenny only lets out a snicker. “He’s strong, he can take care of himself very well.”

I’ve made sure of it. He wants to add. But some things are better left unsaid.

“AND HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT? YOU DON’T KNOW HIM? HAVE YOU EVER EVEN MET HIM?” She yells, absolutely appalled at the insensitivity of these men.

And Kenny takes a step towards her too, towering a foot above her. His nostrils flare in anger, and he glares at her, his aura almost threatening. Not a lot of people have had the audacity to speak to him in such a way. “Who are you to him?” he seethes through clenched teeth.

But Mae doesn’t back away either.

“I’m his lover.” she spills out, without an ounce of hesitance.

Sheer surprise flashes in Kenny’s eyes for a second. Slowly it fades and the creases under his eyes melt into that of laughter. “Aah, that runt grew up finally.” he chortles

And Mae looks at him, appalled and disgusted. “And who are you to him?” She counters . Half in mockery. Half in contempt. He doesn’t even wear a badge that tells his name. She’d be surprised if she’d find even one reliable officer in this damned place.

And Kenny falls silent for a millisecond, face conflicted.

“….Nothing.” He lets out a weak laugh. “Just go back home, you’ll find him there.”

And then he takes a step back in resignation. A little emotional, a little exhausted. “Take good care of him.” he mutters under his breath, before he coops back into his cabin.

—--------------------------------------------

A heavy sigh falls from Levi’s lips as he steps into the premises of the Survey Corps headquarters. The midnight moon shines over. And the stone walls embrace him, it's cold grays have never seemed so inviting.

It’s been an entire day on horseback. Nevertheless he should be grateful the stable manager at Mitras recognised him, and rented him a horse, free of cost.

And as glad as he is to be here, there’s also a heaviness in his heart that he can’t shake off.

It's the kind of pain that only Mae is capable of causing.

She isn’t next to him.

He left without a thought. Running away from the haunting unhappiness in her eyes. And now he’s left with only his feelings to keep him company. Cold and empty.

He wonders if the marriage went out as planned? Were the celebrations as grand as the decorations? And was the buffet as large as they were setting it up to be?

Most of all he wonders if Mae is okay? He wonders, if just like Kenny, that was the last time he saw her as well?

Memories of yesterday trickle into his mind. The disappointment in her eyes, and the complaints in her mind. And he sighs, exhausted. Wondering if the heaviness in his chest will alleviate.

He needs tea, he tells himself.

The torches on the walls flicker, dimmed by the constant breeze. Winter is just around the corner and darkness engulfs the hallways.

And Levi relaxes a tad bit. Finding solace in his darkness, it’s what is familiar to him.

He rounds the corner and enters the kitchen. Sadly for him, a familiar brunette is already seated on the dining table next to the kitchen.

Hange. His features twist into a scowl.

They are the worst person he could possibly find at this time.

And Hange swivels as the sound of his footsteps reaches their ear.

“Levi!” They exclaim. “You’re back early.”

And Levi looks at them coldly, completely ignoring their existence.

He was so close to sulking. But now he looks emotionless again. It's like something has shifted in his head. And now the person next to him will only face his anger, never his sadness.

He makes his way to the kettle. And he prays that Hange stays put in their chair.

But Hange is relentless as usual. Hyperactive, and curious. They spring up from their seat and follow Levi into the open kitchen. Ready with their barrage of questions.

“So how was the wedding?” Where is Mae?” It's probably the dim candlelights that impairs them from seeing the scowl on Levi’s face. A few moments more and he will snap. Hopefully in a tame way.

“Don’t tell me you dropped her back home, this late at night?” They wiggle their brows suggestively, as they linger behind him. Watching him boil the water from over his shoulder.

And Levi doesn’t even turn to look back at them, as he puts his hand on their shoulder and pushes them backwards. “Fuck off, “ he threatens

Hange’s lips part. Usually with Levi, they can never tell when he’s mad, because he always looks mad. But tonight, the anger in his voice is primal.

And they can only head back to the table, and shove their head back into their research books. Looking over occasionally to give Levi a onceover.

He looks at the pot of boiling water a little too hard. His jaw is clenched tight, and his footsteps are a little too loud.

His hands shuffle through the cabinets. Banging the shelf doors shut. And Hange doesn’t understand how Levi doesn’t recall the spot he’s specifically designated to his beloved tea. None of the other Survey Corps seniors are even allowed to touch it.

Frustration fills him up, and he curses, rather loudly.

And the Levi in front of Hange, is completely unlike the Levi they’ve always known.

The Levi in front of them is messy and unorganized. Grabbing a hot vessel bare hand, and then hissing at the burn.

The flipping of their pages stops, and all they see in front of them is a problem to be solved.

There’s an obvious tension in the air that drowns in all the quiet. And Levi finds himself falling into the endless pit of sadness inside of him, again.

He tries to forget the disappointment that he saw in her eyes. He tries to forget the things that Mr.Mendes said about him, harsh but so true, they still make his heart hurt. But its all too recent, all too fresh in his memory.

Mae was close to crying back then, he could tell by the way her lips shuddered.

He doesn’t understand why he still feels so sad. After all he knew that things between them were bound to end. He doesn’t understand why he always gets his hopes up, when he has a habit of losing people left and right.

And he doesn’t understand why he sits on the same table as Hange, taking the farthest chair from them. When he can easily take his tea to his quarters.

Maybe it's the fact that he’s been left alone again. And being in the vicinity of someone, even if it's someone as annoying as Hange, seems comforting.

Even if that comfort is temporary.

He’s so much of a disappointment.

Sometimes he wonders why Erwin and Hange keep up with him?

It's probably because of his strength.

The smell of tea floats through the air, but Levi doesn’t touch it.

And Hange notices. “I can’t wait for the day when you’ll marry Mae as well.” They chirp out of nowhere. Hoping to make him feel better.

And Levi does manage to throw one of the harshest stares at them, before he winces.

“She found out.” The words slip out of his mouth. Accidently, perhaps. It's one of the rare times where his emotions run so wild, they can’t help but take charge.

“She found out what?” Hange repeats. Their ears practically flying over.

Slowly they shift to the chair next to him.

And Levi sits rigid, holding his head where it hurts, it feels like the walls in his brain are caving in.

And yet, he fights.

He fights Hange’s company.

He fights his needs, his desires.

He fights himself. Adding fuel to his own struggle.

It’s what he has done his entire life.

It has left him worn out.

To the point where he doesn’t have the strength to resist anymore.

The walls around his heart are slowly crumbling down.

He’s lost her. His world feels dark.

“She found out that I’m an underground thug.” His voice comes out weak… barely above a whisper. The position life has put him in is hard to believe. Because here he sits, opening up to Hange of all people.

Kenny would disapprove so much of the emotional bastard he still is. Losing hope by a mere person leaving him behind.

But he does it for Mae, he tells himself.

And Hange’s eyes widen, surprised that Mae didn’t already know about this. It's abnormal, and unhealthy. They were pretty sure Mae was the person he was closest to.

A silence spreads, its claws fatal.

Levi takes Hange’s silence for judgment, and decides to go back into his invulnerable shell. “Doesn’t matter, things were going to end anyways,” he mutters coldly, and then he loudly slurps his tea.

And Hange still sits in shock. She found out, his words echo in their head. Which means he didn’t even tell her himself. “LEVI!,” They urge, breaking out of their stupor “Till when were you going to keep this hidden from her!”

Forever if possible he thinks to himself. He can always keep a few parts of him hidden.

And his silence tells.

“You weren’t planning to tell her, were you?” They question, but they know it's true.

The quake of his heel never fades , and his shoulders still slouch. They’ve never seen him look so defeated. He’s too afraid of disappointing. He’s too afraid of being abandoned. And he’s too afraid to voice out that he didn’t want Mae to know, because he was afraid she’d leave him.

“Why would you not tell her Levi….? Hange racks through the potential possibilities. “Was it because you were treated harshly by the soldiers when you first came in….”

Everything comes off as a surprise to them. They could have never guessed that all the taunts thrown his way were something that bothered him. Not by the look on his face anyway. Guess he’s a little more sensitive than they had anticipated.

“You were discriminated against in the Survey Corps, because it's the military and rules are important here. You broke the order, you broke the regulations so obviously people didn’t like it. Also your first impression was HORRIBLE…And just because everyone in the military condemned you, doesn’t mean Mae will too… You can’t pretend to be someone else and hide parts of yourself from someone who is in a sense your life partner Levi?”

There is a stiffness in the air that constricts. And Levi feels like he’s being put on the spot, when he’s caught vulnerable. He feels angry, he wants to yell, he wants to push Hange away… or maybe– or maybe he’s just scared.

And he sits there forcing his eyes shut as Hange’s words sink in. He’s repeated this mistake before, fitting himself into the likes and standards of Kenny, just to please him. So much so that sometimes he doesn’t even recognise the softer, more emotional parts of him.

“To love, means to accept the person for what they are…” Hange places an arm on his shoulder, and he looks at them, his gaze tender. “And if she doesn’t… then good for you. At least you know she wasn’t the one.”

And Levi does find Hange’s thoughts beautiful. But he also knows that no one will go to such lengths for him. He knows that he’ll be abandoned by the Survey Corps as well, if one day he wakes up weak.

He tears his gaze away from them. Knowing that if he looks too long, Hange will see through all his imperfections.

They have a habit of not keeping their nose in everyone’s shit anyways.

But Hange’s mind is already working at a speed that he should be afraid of. And they almost jump from their chair, as a realization strikes. “This is the problem isn’t it Levi!... The thought that she might leave you…. You ignored her because you knew she was bound to leave you or be disappointed in you in some way... You thought she was better off with Ivan, then you taking the pain of losing her.”

Levi’s eyes widen. They are threateningly close to knowing him.

“HOW DO YOU KNOW EVERYTHING?”, he seethes as he grits his teeth. Half embarrassed that Hange knows about his pitiful behavior with Mae when Ivan was here.

“I… I have assumptions,” they gulp. Fearful for once

The clock ticks, and slowly his features soften “Mae told you everything, didn’t she?” he sighs, as he pinches the bridge of his nose.

“Well but I’m always open to hear your perspective as well.’

“Oh fuck off Hange.” He sneers as he gulps his tea down, and pushes the cup to the side.

He feels horrible, so out of character, and vulnerable. But he doesn’t feel unsafe.

And he has a shit ton of problems that he knows he can’t solve by himself. Especially when it comes to Mae.

And what's the point hesitating now, when his pride has already been tossed into the bin.

“I don’t know how to keep her Happy Hange… It's not the same anymore, she’s unhappier, doesn’t talk with me too much.” He looks down, his voice somber.

“Says you Levi… the person she used to smile just at the sight of?” Hange’s voice is soft, their eyes full of genuine concern.

And despite his uneasiness with discussing his personal life out loud, and getting his behavioral patterns dissected by none other than Hange, he settles into his chair.

The night is long and Hange seems welcoming,

—--------------------------------------------

Heavy gray clouds conceal the midnight sky. The rains are relentless, boisterous with thunder. And fog wraps around the tall trees like a blanket.

The winds blow fast, Levi can hear it rattle against the glass windows.

His quarters are warm though, fire crackles in the hearth, casting an orange tint. And his cloak is leisurely draped over his shoulders.

Scented candles are lined up on his window sill.

And lavender tea he brewed for himself has now run cold. Halfway finished

It's something Mae made him do, when sleeping was becoming difficult.

She crafted a whole ass routine for him, to help him relax and sleep longer.

He drums his fingers on the table, sitting idle, Frustrated that he’s done with all his paperwork.

It feels so damn lonely. Like those days, when she’d quit her job from the Survey Corp and he was haunted with thoughts of her..

The sound of thunder fills up the space.

The temperature has dropped all of a sudden. Surely it must be snowing in the interior. And Levi feels guilty for leaving Mae behind so thoughtlessly.

None of them were prepared for snow.

Another round of thunder reverberates around. Lightning strikes and Levi shivers. The night is uncannily similar to the night when he lost Farlan and Isabel.

Just another testament of how he is not made for happy endings.

And he can only watch as every second painfully passes away.

Tick-tock, tick-tock

The fire cackles

Tick-tock, tick-tock

The wind whistles.

Tick-tock, tick-tock

The lightning feels blinding.

Tick-tock, tick-tock

A distant sound adds to the mix. It's rushed and heavy, pounding closer to his gates.

And Levi is pulled out of his reverie, as then the door barges open

In front of him stands Mae, with her hair partially drenched, and her dress splattered with mud.

The closed umbrella in her hand, makes a pool of water on the floor. Dripping wet.

His eyes widen.

And so do hers.

“Levi,” his name slips past her lips. And for once she didn't overthink. The umbrella in her hand drops to the floor, and the door behind shuts close, as she leaves everything behind and darts towards him.

She doesn’t hesitate, as she sits on his lap, and throws her arms around his frame. Surrendering to the intensity of emotions in her heart..

Levi's body tenses at instinct. His heartbeat picks up the pace and the butterflies in his stomach come alive once again.

It's just been 4 days, but he’s missed her so damn much. For a moment he wonders if he’s still daydreaming

And it's only when he feels her shivering against his chest, that he gives in. “Y-you’r-re c-cold,” he stutters, as he wraps his cloak around her. His hands splay over her back, rubbing it to warm her up quickly.

And she too, huddles closer to his warmth. The sound of his low baritone, brings her so much comfort, and she shuts her eyes close, to pause this moment.

Their breaths mingle, hearts beating in sync, together.

In this moment they are so vulnerable.

She cries, into his chest. And he’s made sure that nothing in his life is important enough to make him cry. But for god's sake does his heart sob with joy.

He looks at the messy trail of mud her shoes have left behind. And her fingernails that are dirty with grime. He looks at her shuddering shoulders and her hair, wet and cold.

She’s traveled through the storm for him.

She’s come back to him. Despite everything

And he doesn’t know what the future holds for them, or even if she'll be alive the next day. But he does know that no matter how cruel and brutal this world gets, his heart will forever be labeled hers.

Her hands leave his chest, before they slowly come up to his cheeks. She cups his face, as she pulls back and looks at him. Silence stretches between them. Or maybe it's the pause one takes to admire something beautiful.

And fresh tears fill up her eyes as she strokes his cheek.“Why do you make me worry so much? Couldn’t you have told me that you were leaving? I-I was so scared something happened to you.”

His knees feel weak at the thought. Like he’ll shatter to the ground, if not for her holding him so close.

And his breath shudders, sodden with emotions. “I-I’m s-sorry.” he gulps. Voice heavy with guilt. “I-I thought you would be u-upset. Wouldn’t w-want to n-near me anymore.”

“I would have wanted to hear about your past from you. I was more disappointed in the fact that you didn’t tell me, when everyone else knew about it... I am your lover Levi… I consider you my better half, then why is it that I know so little about you?”

In her questions, Levi feels a kind of reassurance. Perhaps it's the fact that she’s still making an effort to stay with him.

It's a feeling he can't put into words.

As if his sun-burned body has finally found the cooling shade of a tree.

As if his directionless quest has finally found a destination.

There is such a prickle in this moment, and the way she holds him, tightly, yet with gentleness. It makes him question all the nasty thoughts he has had about himself.

Because he was convinced that he was way too crooked for anyone to find any beauty in him. And yet she dares to sit on his lap, so close to him. Cradling him as if he’s something precious.

Words fail him. And he can’t help but think if he could just kiss her, and pour all his love into it. If he could kiss her and express all that his speech never could. They all seem so beautiful in the romance novels he reads.

If only he could kiss her and not succumb to his overthinking head.

And so he brings her hand closer to lips. His heart hammers, almost violently in his chest. And his hand shudders with nervousness. Yet he dares to take her knuckles and kiss it.

Hoping it conveys everything he can’t spout out loud.

That he’ll fight for her. Even if it's parts of himself that he’s up against. “I;m s-sorry…I’m s-sorry, I thought you’d h-hate me”

And Mae smiles as she looks at him. The first genuine smile she’s given him in months. “We’ve got to work on a lot of things to make this work,” Her words are blunt, but the way she delivers them is so gentle.

And Levi blinks up at her. Grateful that she has not given up on him yet. “We do…” he hums.

There’s fear in both of their eyes. The fear of messing up. The fear of losing one another. So many things still remain unexpressed. So many fears, desires, wishes. If only they were given a voice. Both Levi and Mae would know that their love for each other is boundless.

“You promise you’ll tell me everything and we’ll talk about us tomorrow?” Mae says as she tries getting out of his lap. Desperate in need of a shower

Surprisingly, his grip around her waist tightens. He holds her there, listening to the sound of her breath.

And despite the wreck Mae is, she finally feels so wanted. The butterflies in her stomach tumble. And she can barely contain her happiness.

“I will… “Levi presses a kiss on her forehead. “Now go take a shower, I’ll set up the bed for you.”

“Will you sleep on the bed, next to me?” she asks on her way to the shower.

And Levi never sleeps on the bed.

Because Levi lives every moment with the unsurety of whether he’ll make it to the next. He lives every moment considering the possibility that the titans might break in.

Yet now as he looks into her warm brown eyes, he can’t help but wonder if for one night he just lets loose.

The worst thing that could happen is that the titans breach the wall, and he ends up dying with her.

Indeed that sounds like a soft epilogue. To die in each other’s arms, to not die alone.

Everyone comes to this world on their own, and they die on their own, because inherently everyone is alone. And yet to hold on to each other, as they take their last breaths. To have a moment of bliss before death separates them.

“Levi!” Mae prods again. A brow raised in question. “Will you sleep on the bed with me?”

And his lips quirk up a tiny bit, as he timidly nods a yes.

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levis-coffeecup · 8 months

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Done with writing chapter 20! I'll proof read it and post it in 24 hours.

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levis-coffeecup · 8 months

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New chapter next sunday?? OMG so excited! I love your work 💕💕💕

I remember you!!! Honestly so surprised that people still care about my fic. But thank you, you really motivated me to write more and complete the fic 😭😭😭. And thank you for sending this ask as well! You made my day <3

I promise the new chapter will be out by Sunday!💖

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levis-coffeecup · 8 months

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Great stuff! When will Chapter 20 be up?

Thank you so much! I'm kinda surprised that people are still reading my fic since its been so long since I've updated.😭😭💖

But I'm trying to make a habit of writing again! So by next Sunday hopefully. 🤞

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levis-coffeecup · 1 year

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TELL ME PLEASE (i beg)

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levis-coffeecup · 1 year

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Chapter 19 | Tangled Threads

WC-6.3 k

Content/Warnings

canon- compliant, canon-typical violence, descriptions of PTSD, grief, depression, heavy angst and themes, strong language.

Author's note:

Hi guys,

Feels like I should stop making promises about when the next chapter will be out, because I always end up being late lol. But this time it was an internet issue I promise.

Also I don't know why I feel like there is a big para where the tense is different or the things just don't make sense. I've gone over that chapter once so hopefully its just me being anxious, and I haven't skipped past anything. (But if I have then please don't judge me and let me know lol).

This chapter was lowkey inspired by the song Phir Le Aya dil , so that's the song for this chapter. Also all the future songs for the chapters might be desi songs because being in New York only makes me feel more patriotic 🤡

Anyways thanks for tuning in, and I hope you find the chapter to your liking.

Chapters

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22

Masterlist | Playlist | Other Works

JAN 847

Ivan’s wedding is finally here. And Levi and Mae settle in a hotel in Mitras, taking a night’s rest, before attending the function tomorrow.

The room they stay in is small. Meant for one person only, but it was the only thing that fit their budget, in a city as expensive as Mitras.

There’s a desk and chair in the opposite corner, with a cupboard next to it. And their shared suitcase lays open on the floor, with a towel kept on top of it.

Mae has cozied up on the bed. Fresh from a bath.

The trip from Jinae to Mitras has been exhausting. Her legs are sore from sitting in that cramped cart for so long. It was filled with people and there was not a single woman inside, besides her.

And she’s so grateful that Levi was with her. Even though he probably has no interest in Ivan’s wedding whatsoever. He made her feel so safe and protected.

Levi walks fresh out of the shower. With a pair of trousers on, and the scent of his body wash steaming out of the bathroom.

Her face softens.

Fresh drops of water still drip down his lower back, and coils of wet hair stick to his skin. And his muscles flex as he bends down to pick his towel from the suitcase.

And Mae pines over him in silence. Almost smiling.

She’s going to spend the next 3 days with him. A part of her is so excited, because this is the first time she gets to spend so long with him. But a part of her also doesn’t want to bring her hopes too high, in case she ends up getting disappointing again.

Because her relationship with Levi has always been a rocky one. Often leading to more doubt than warmth..

He takes the towel off his shoulders, and starts to dry his hair. And Mae can only stare as desire ignites in her stomach.

She hasn’t pecked his cheek, ever since that day, when he dropped her off home. She’s even stopped casually touching his arm. And much to her disappointment, Levi hasn’t brought it up.

She wonders if he ever misses it. She wonders if he ever melts at her touch, just like she does.

And tonight, it's just the two of them, staying in this dimly lit room with this small bed that can only fit one person. She wonders if he’ll initiate something. He’s a man after all.

“Levi!“ She chimes, her smile welcoming and her eyes are warm. And she pats the spot on the bed, next to her, as she sweetly mutters, “will you sleep on the bed next to me?”

“You can take the bed,” he answers instantaneously, continuing to pat his hair dry, Not even pondering over her offer for a moment.

And just like always, she tries but he doesn’t bother. And just like always, she reaches a hand forth, only to see him take 2 steps backward.

It adds to her frustration, like fuel to fire. “And where will you sleep?” She asks exasperated.

And Levi pauses, sensing the tiniest shifts in her mood. He looks up at her, his lithe eyebrows, rumpled.

He never sleeps on the bed, not even in his quarters.

He sleeps on his desk chair instead, with his ODM gear sprawled on the desk, in a way that if the titan breaks through any moment, he can quickly put the gear on. And be ready for what is to come.

He sleeps on his desk chair, so that he can feel the tremors on the ground, if the titans ever do barge in.

Because Levi lives every moment with the uncertainty of whether he’ll make it to the next.

And even though they are in Mitras, the safest spot in the walls. He still can’t get himself to sleep on the bed.

Habits from his past catch up to him. Unseen, unexpected tragedies have always found him. They have made him fearful, and it's indeed this fear instilled deep within him that makes him competent as a soldier..

And then there’s Mae too. He knows her back hurts from sitting in the cart all day long. And he wants her to have a good rest, he wants her to have the entire bed.

It's one of the ways he expresses his love for her. By always keeping her needs above his.

“The chair is good enough for me,” He speaks with diligence. And Mae finds the sincerity in his voice suffocating. She almost wants to scoff, but she also doesn't want to start a fight, this late at night.

Only married couples who can’t stand each other sleep separately.

And she wistfully watches, as he puts the towel aside, his hair now dried. She notices the exhaustion in his eyes and the slight slouch of his shoulders.

She’s told him how necessary good sleep is, for a soldier like him. She’s told him how bad sleeping on the chair is for his posture and his health. And she also set up a whole routine for him to follow before bed. To help him with his insomnia.

But he probably doesn’t even care enough to remember it. Let alone follow it.

Everything in this relationship feels so one-sided, it's exhausting.

And defeated, she flops down on the bed. Pushing herself in the corner, just in case Levi changes his mind and wants to sleep on the bed as well.

Goodnight, she wants to say to him. But it feels futile.

Little does she know Levi looks so exhausted, because he’s stayed awake a couple nights, to complete all his work. So that he can make it here.

And when he looks over to her sleeping figure, his face softens.

She looks so adorable, huddled up in a fuzzy blanket with just her head sticking out. He can’t help but make his way towards her.

The desire of being closer to her seems both illogical yet unquenchable. But he doesn’t want to go overboard like he once did, he doesn’t want to get lost in the current of his feelings and do something he will regret. And most of all he doesn’t want to hurt her in any way.

Because he has never been good at anything gentle. He’s scared that he’ll touch her and she’ll shatter at the strength his hand holds. That someday he’ll touch her and she’ll disappear. Making all his fears come to fruition.

So his hands quake as they extend towards her cheek, as if she is a precious imagery that will distort the moment he touches her.

Erwin’s words still ring in his head loud and clear.

And he wonders if he’s being too selfish, by still keeping her around when he’ll never be able to provide her the type of life he wants her to live. He wonders if he’s being too cruel to her, when he knows that their story will end grimly either way.

And the end is surely near, with how things have been going the past couple of days.

Mae’s stopped pecking his cheek, she’s stopped her playful banter, and she’s stopped telling him random things about her day,

She’s already unhappier. And the decision to move the headquarters elsewhere has been made final.

She’ll end up leaving, disappointed by him. That’s what’s most probable now. And at this point Levi knows he’s so attached, that it's going to hurt twice as bad.

But still, he likes to think that he doesn’t regret his decision to be with her.

Because he doesn’t want to lose her just yet, even if he is meant to lose her somewhere along the way. He doesn’t want to go back to being 2 strangers at a bar, with a knotted past. Even though their time together is waning out.

One day, these fleeting memories are all he’ll have of her.

And so he decides that today, he’ll finally kiss her cheek too. He’s wanted to do it since forever. Ever since the day she first pecked him.

But he hardly had the courage to ask her for it when she’s wide awake. His shyness always got the best of him. But now she’s sleeping, peacefully like a baby.

And so he walks over to her, and gently scoops her into his arms. Placing her in the center of the bed. Perfectly tucking her in the blanket again.

And so he waits a little longer, admiring this moment and how peacefully she rests. And then he squats down.

And his lips hover over her cheek for a little while, before they finally land and kiss on it tenderly.

________________

The preparations for the wedding look elaborate.

A big field lays decorated, lush with green grass. Tables are lined up, covered with a silk tablecloth. And the chairs are decorated with white ruffles too. A red carpet is stretched out on the grass. And in the center, is the wedding altar. Its pillars, decorated with vines and flowers. And a delicate white net dangling from its top.

It's quite cold though, but nothing that the people of Mitras aren’t used to. The sky is relatively clear. And flurries of white clouds float around in the clear blues. Perfectly complimenting the white roses, used in the decorations.

Everything looks so heavenly, and Mae feels out of place when she sees it all.

A part of her finds it hard to believe that this could be her, getting married here instead. With such a fancy arrangement, and nobility as guests.

She wonders if she made the right choice that day. By picking Levi over everything else.

And Levi walks beside her, badgered with guilt as well.

He can see the way her eyes sparkle, dazed by all the luxury around her. This was the type of life Mae could have lived. The type of life he can never provide.

And guilt badgers in his gut once again. He feels like he has cheated her, given her too much false hope.

“Mae,” he lets out a sigh. Voice heavy and hesitant. “I need to tell you something.”

And he doesn’t know why he is bringing this up right now, at this wedding that they are supposed to enjoy. Maybe it's the remorse clawing inside him, and maybe it's the fact that he could possibly never make her this happy.

Silence stretches between them. It's almost been 3 months since they’ve started dating, and things seem to have mellowed down.

Mae doesn’t want to be needy, and Levi always wants to give her space. But hope still fills her eyes when she hears his voice. And his gaze softens, ever so subtly.

“Go ahead, Levi,” she mutters, a tad bit excited. It's one of the few times when Levi initiates something by himself. And she hopes it's something about the type of marriage they’d have.

“Erwin is thinking of moving the headquarters elsewhere.” Levi states with his usual nonchalance. It’s something he’s practiced a thousand times before the mirror now.

And the silence that unfolds is a stiff one.

Mae looks down at the ground, with a hard glare.

And Levi looks down as well, steepling his fingers. He can sense the shift in her mood. It's a mix of grieving, disappointment and frustration. And she likes to not be bothered when her mood is sour.

So he remains quiet, giving her the space to ponder. Plus he doesn’t really know what to say to make things better. He knows he’s a pain in the ass. He knows there isn't much he can provide for her, in comparison to Ivan .

And he also knows their future isn’t too bright. It’s something he’d guessed from the start.He just hopes she doesn’t regret being with him, for whatever time their destiny allowed.

And Mae feels a heaviness settle in her heart.

She’s always longing for him. Longing to talk to him. Longing to spend more time with him. Longing that somewhere, his hand will find hers, and lead her to someplace better. And he’s always withdrawing from her. Withdrawing from her touches. Withdrawing from her wishes. And withdrawing from the vulnerability that a relationship brings.

And if only he was brave enough to give her any sort of explanation, she would tell him that distance will never stop her from loving him.

The beautiful decorations around her only feel suffocating. All she needs is a few moments of peace in Levi’s arms. She’s battered and exhausted. Sometimes she doesn’t understand how she finds the strength to face the world.

And she wishes she could hold on to his hand.

But she knows Levi hates any form of public affection. Or scratch that, she knows he hates affection in itself. It's been 3 months already, and he’s never held her hand, even in the privacy of his chambers.

It’s exhausting, to be stuck in this loop of wanting and withdrawing. It feels like she’s all alone in this. But unknowingly. yet as always, Levi stands right beside her, in the same boat, with the same troubles.

And if only she ever said something she would know that her comfort matters more to him, more than his own apprehensions and nervousness.

Ivan stands in the distance, looking over a few decorations next to the altar. His jet black tuxedo stands out, in the greens of the grass, and all the white the servants wear. And Mae needs a distraction she tells herself. Her mind is drained, thinking of Levi night and day.

And Levi can simply follow, as she starts walking towards Ivan instead.

He’s tall and fair, just like he’s always been. He turns towards Mae and flashes her a smile. His eyes sparkling blue,in all the sunlight.

They start talking about the wedding preparations, and a certain vigor weaves into Mae’s tone. She tells him how wonderful the arrangement looks. And she also keeps her hand on his upper arm, when he tells her how exhausted he is.

And Levi stands behind her, shifting his weight from one foot to another. Seething with something feral.

He thought she didn’t like speaking to anyone when she’s feeling low. And yet she’s speaking to Ivan with such enthusiasm. She wasn’t speaking to him this way a few minutes before.

Jealousy curls in the pit of his stomach. But he deserves it, he tells himself. He deserves all her silences. And he deserves all the pain her actions inflict.

Time ticks by slow, and somehow the conversation shifts. All of a sudden Mae is introducing him to Ivan.

And Ivan smiles at him, extending a hand forward out of courtesy.

But Levi just glares at it. His insecurities make him bitter .

The moment stretches, the tension palpable.

“Levi!” Mae elbows him, and throws him a disapproving look. And he wallows even deeper in his insecurities, knowing he has disappointed her even more.

Mae asks Ivan where Mr. Mendes is, and Ivan points towards the huge mansion built on the other side of the ground. They talk for a few more moments, and then Mae bids her goodbye, and starts walking towards the mansion.

And Levi just simply follows, unsure whether she even wants him around.

The mansion is big, even more intimidating up close. And its door lays wide open, as handmaidens and cleaners jog in and out.

And Mae gasps, awestruck as she steps inside. The interior is made of gleaming polished wood and the paneled walls run tall. And every piece of furniture is so intricate, it could be placed in a museum.

Her eyes glance around, wide in wonder.

Ivan’s marrying the daughter of the noble he was treating. She must be a gift to keep Mr. Mendes and Ivan around. It's a business deal of sorts- you stick around and treat my family, from our hereditary disease. And I share my wealth with you and give you my daughter.

Things have surely played out really well for Ivan.

And she hopes Mr. Mendes has had the heart to forgive her, too, as she lingers outside his door. Timid, and doubtful of her decision to see him.

Levi stands behind her like a shadow, unable to meet her eye, but unshakeable as ever. Her heart eases a little, his mere sight providing her comfort. Her fingers reach out to his wrist, and he looks up hesitant.

“Levi,” His name comes out so sweet from her lips. “Can you wait here for a bit? He was really unhappy with me the last time I saw him, and just in case he’s still mad, I don’t want him to take his anger out on you.”

Levi visibly softens. The self-inflicted wounds on his pride sooth a little. “Just remember that I’m right outside the door. Do call me if anything feels off… Please” he adds. Hoping she doesn’t hesitate.

And she nods, as she knocks on the door, and steps inside.

The room is small, with a bed, a study desk and a wardrobe. And Mr.Mendes sits on a rocking chair next to the window. Staring at the wedding arrangements.

It's been a few months since she last saw him. And how ever rude he might have been to her in asking her hand for marriage. She still has a fatherly bond with him.

“Mr Mendes.” She calls out, and slowly he turns his head towards her. Age has touched him harshly, his wrinkles fold deep and his eyes seem vacant and dull.

“Mae.” He mutters, eyes squinting as he throws her a glance. “You’re here too,” he states, albeit blandly.

And she looks down to the floor, scrunching the fabric of her skirt in nervousness. He doesn’t seem too happy to see her, and once again she feels unwanted.

The moment stretches, the silence is vacant. Mr.Mendes goes back to looking at the window, and Mae focuses on the floor beneath her. A little embarrassed, and guilty. Wondering if he’s still angry at her for not accepting his offer.

The tension only eases when he breaks into a fit of violent coughs.

On instinct, Mae picks up a glass of water kept on his side table, and rushes towards him. One hand on his back and the other on the glass, as she helps him chug down the water.

And he too rests his hands on her shoulder, as his coughs make him jerk forward. It brings back a ton of memories. And she finds her eyes getting watery. She never knew she would get so distant with him one day.

His coughs begin to subside, and she continues to pat his back, just like the old days. But sadly things are way different today, and a few things have changed in a way that they can’t be mended.

“What shabby clothes are you wearing?” Mr. Mendes remarks as soon as his cough settles. A scoff paints itself on his face. And he pushes himself away from her.

“They're not shabby, it's a fresh pair,” her voice teeters on the edge of a plea, and she looks down on the ground making herself small.

“Look at the life you;re living, and coming here to my son;s wedding, dressed in nothing but rags.” he spits out. His words hurt, her heart shudders. She feels insecure.

“I’m proud of the choices I;ve made, I have no regrets.” she squeaks out

“No regrets,” his face scrunches in disgust. “Are you happy then? Living in one of the poorest neighborhoods in Jinae. Working countless jobs. Settling for a good for nothing man.” His words are like venom, fuelled with anger and frustration. And he’s so weakened by his emotions, he doesn’t realize he’s yelling.

“EXCUSE ME,” Mae counters, her temper flaring up too. “He is Humanity's strongest, a respected and valued soldier in the Survey Corps. Don’t disrespect him like that.”

Because as much as things aren’t going well with him, he’s still hers. And she wouldn’t let anyone speak shit about him.

Mr. Mendes laughs, a bitter mock. “What good is that title to you, it only puts him with more risks and responsibilities making the chances of him dying higher?”

His taunt falls like a slap on her face. She feels weak, ridden of words.

Yeah, what good is that title to her? Especially when he hardly has any time for her.

“Your silence tells how much you’re disappointed in your reckless decision.” He reels back to looking at the window,” Humanity’s Strongest huh! Damn sure that title gets the underground thug all the ladies in the world… Unbelievable how a criminal gang leader can turn into a hero.“ He curses and his words echo through the thin walls.

And all of a sudden Mae’s slapped not only with Mr Mendes's wrath, but also with the secrets of Levi’s past. She finds it hard to breathe, as if the wind has been knocked right out of her lungs.

It’s the last tick, the water has gone over the bridge.

The information lays heavy on her mind, slowly the pieces of him fall together. The way he keeps a knife hidden in his clothes. And the way he knew nothing about the world when he first met her.

A thug from the Underground? Levi never told her anything about that?

“He’s no match for my son.” Mr. Mendes mutters, more to himself. And tears do well. Everything looks blurry, her heart feels dizzy. She feels defeated.

“Why are you so quiet now?” he taunts. “Did reality finally knock some sense into you?”

And Mae feels helpless, not knowing how to counter something she’s been told nothing about.

“I’m sorry,” she whispers, more to herself. For being so foolish in her love. For enduring all the shit Levi put her through once again. For settling for something so… unworthy. And most of all, for loving herself less than him… once again.

Her shoulders feel heavy and her knees feel weak as she turns away.

She doesn’t even know whether the claims made by Mr. Mendes are true, or just an accusation made to mess with her. But that just proves how little she knows about Levi, and how little he cares about her.

And with the little strength in her heart she pushes the door open.

In front of her stands Levi.

He didn’t tell her this.

He didn’t tell her anything about him.

And Levi’s eyes fall down. His facade has fallen, soiled in the dirt. All that remains now, are the parts of him that have always been hated. The parts of him that are hard to love and difficult to accept.

And he feels bare, naked.

The silence is loud and sharp. Piercing like the barbed wire wrapped around Mae’s heart. And she looks at him, with disappointment knitted in her brows

Because Levi is the calm before the storm. The smell of fresh linen sheets, and the harsh rain that cleanses everything. He is stillness and chaos. With the stars in his eyes, and the world on his shoulders. A paradox so unusual, that it's a wonder on earth.

But most of all, Levi is the person she has loved with all her heart and soul. And yet, she doesn’t recognise him anymore.

He feels like a stranger. And their entanglement feels like nothing but a burden.

Questions in her mind erupt like fire. And they would sear Levi alive

She searches his slate gray eyes. The same eyes she’s utterly fallen in love with. Hoping he gives her a single explanation. Hoping he tells her that she didn’t make the wrong decision.

That he still loves her, and she can still have the fairytale relationship that she once dreamt of.

Butas always he gives her nothing. He isn’t even able to meet her eyes. Because what awaits him there, is disappointment. His biggest fear.

Her lips tremble, her heart shudders. The tiredness of all the fights she’s never had with him boggs her down.

The prolonged silence speaks tons. She hates him for keeping this from her, and he hates the way it came out to her.

And she can only pick away the pieces of her self esteem, and walk away from him. To a place where she doesn’t feel like such a fool.

The grandeur of the mansion suffocates her. She finds beauty everywhere, in every corner of the place, but in herself. And her eyes blur as she stumbles away from him.

To say, they are only a few feet away, but miles lie between their hearts.

And Mae doesn’t understand when things started going downhill, but now things have crashed.

In an hour, the wedding bells ring. The guests are peacefully seated, and she stands at the corner, barely managing to suppress her sadness.

The bride walks in, dressed in a beautiful white dress, holding her father’s hand. Ivan stands at the other end, with a smile on his face.

And Mae watches them exchange vows wistfully,

The union of two souls. The most beautiful of moments unfold in front of her. Everything is here, flowers, grand decorations, elaborate palanquins. But her lover isn’t. Her lover has left her disappointed.

Often she dreamt of her marriage with Levi as well. With him looking as charismatic as ever in a black coat and the cravat that she stitched for him, a testament of where they once were and how much they've been through. Together.

But now she doesn’t even know of their future 2 days from now.

They’ve lost each other even whilst walking together.

The wedding ends, the bride and groom kiss. The guests clap, showering the newly weds with appreciation. And then Ivan and his now wife walk away hand in hand.

In the corner, Mae sees Mr.Mendes as well. He watches everything with an unreadable look on his face.

Slowly the guests start leaving as well, after exchanging their pleasantries. The field starts becoming vacant. But Mae remains unmoving. The heaviness in her heart is unsettling.

The sun sets, and the sky turns navy. Darkness takes over. And she feels so alone, when she looks at the stretches of land with no one but her.

Far in the distance, the lights in the mansion burn bright. And its glass windows shine golden due the warmth that illuminates from inside.

They must be really happy, Mae concludes as she walks towards the altar. Her back finds one of the four pillars, and she slumps down to the floor. Eyes struck at the podium, where the priest read the holy vows.

Everything around only makes her doubt everything she had with Levi.

The ache in her heart never lessens. And she sulks, silently fuming in the aftermath.

She tried coming close to him, but the distances between them never lessened. She tried to be the bigger person, always but things never got better.

She questions everything. His words, his actions. And the moments between them felt so genuine.

Their bond was so healthy, so strong. They had each other’s back through the toughest times. He was the closest thing she had to a family. And she thinks about how much they could have grown together if he simply tried.

But he never cared to begin with. He was only acting out of pity.

It starts to rain, an untimely rain. And tears slip past her eyes too. She feels like she’s been trying to keep them in forever.

Cold wind blows towards her, and she shivers, unused to the harsh winter of Mitras. Hours pass by awfully slow. But she doesn’t go back to the hotel. She doesn’t want to meet the person who’s caused her so much anguish.

Footsteps echo off the marble floor.

Ivan walks in visibly disturbed too. Partially drenched in the rain.

“Mae…” his voice trails off, a little surprised to see her sitting at the altar, hours after the wedding “What are you doing here?... Do you not have a room to go back to?”

The question hurts. “I’m not THAT poor. Ivan.” she snaps. “I’m just here because I don’t want to see Levi right now.”

“Oh,” Ivan sighs. Not knowing whether he should pry any further. And he too drops down on the pillar adjacent to hers. Tired.

“You love him a little too much don’t you?”

And Mae sighs, another tear slipping past her eyes at his words. “Yeah, that seems to be my biggest problem.“ She hugs herself closer, attempting to warm herself in the cold. “I love him so much, it hurts.”

The downpour drowns out the silences. But it does very little to drown the sorrow in the air.

And Mae looks up at Ivan curious. Tiredness weighs heavy on his eyes. It’s the night of his wedding. And yet he’s here sitting alone.

“Did you consummate the marriage?” The question leaves her mouth, thoughtlessly. It’s way too blunt, but none of them have the energy for formalities.

“Yeah… it was… fine,” he speaks slowly, hesitating. “I can already tell, this marriage isn’t going to be good.” And then he sighs, exhausted, as he cards his fingers through his hair.

Silence settles, the wind blows. And the both of them suffer in the cold, not wanting to return to the warmth of a home.

A sad smile forms on Mae’s face. She’s felt so awfully lonely the past few days. Sometimes, even when Levi is right next to her. “Well, if it makes you feel better, my relationship isn’t going great either.”

And Ivan’s eyes widen. “Why do you say that?” he asks, genuinely concerned. Because he’s seen Levi and Mae, he thought they’d be the type of couple that would never break apart.

“Where do I even start,” she bitterly chuckles. “Look at him…He doesn’t even come to check up on me, Ivan. It’s so cold, and I’ve been missing for hours, shivering in the rain. I'm the one who has a reason to be upset. And yet I’m the one who’s still wondering why he isn’t coming to me? He hardly has any time for me…It’s always like this with him, so painfully one sided. I doubt he’d shed even a single tear, if I end up dying one day...”

And Ivan doesn;t know what to say. It’s not like he’s some relationship expert anyway.

Hell, this marriage is his first romantic relationship ever.

And so he sits quiet, dwelling on his own inexperience. And the silence only forces Mae to relive all the things that never happened in her and Levi’s relationship.

“I think I should end it.” The thought has been bogging her for weeks now. And now she’s hit her limit. “He doesn’t love me Ivan,” her voice breaks, and she sniffs to hold her tears back. “He doesn’t lov-”

“Oh shut up!” Ivan huffs, cutting her off. Because even though he is unsure of relationships and everything happening in his life as well, he knows that Levi loves Mae. It’s the only thing he’s sure of, at this point in his life.

“Are you fucking blind? Do you even see the way he looks at you?...” He grumbles almost frustrated with Mae’s blabbering. “I’ve always been so scared of him, but when he looks at you, his lips quirk up, just a little bit. And his eyes soften, as if the most precious thing in the world is now in front of him…. When he looks at you, he looks human… So what shit are you going on about?... And you haven’t even felt the intensity of his stare, anytime I walk next to you. I face it, I face the looks he throws at me. Sometimes it's a surprise that I’m not dead already.”

“Then why doesn’t he do anything about it?’ Mae’s head begins to hurt, and frustration lays heavy in every word she spouts out. “It's been three months, Ivan. Goddamn three months and we haven’t even kissed, or held hands, or been on a date… Yesterday I asked him to sleep on the bed next to me and he slept on the chair instead.”

“But Mae?” Ivan rebuttals almost innocently. “If I'd be in a relationship with a girl I really liked, I think I’d be like that too… Extremely hesitant and shy.” he answers truthfully. “And if he doesn’t make time for you, then why is he here to attend my wedding?”

All the loopholes in her thinking slowly start to resurface. And she frowns, her nose flaring. “He does make time for… it’s just that nothing even remotely romantic ever happens in that time?”

“So why don’t you tell him how you feel? What use is complaining about all this to me, when only Levi can give you what you need?”

A quiet gasp escapes Mae’s lips. And Ivan’s questions only force her to ponder over her own insecurities.

She’s always felt like the second choice. With Mr. Mendes, sometimes also with Levi.

And so she always tries to be on her best behavior, even when the other person is being intolerable.

“I don’t know, don’t wanna be a burden.” Her voice frays, and she’s grateful that it's the middle of the night and Ivan can’t see the pure destruction on her face, when she battles her own demons. “I feel like if I ever complain, then people will get annoyed by me and wouldn’t want to stick around anymore.”

“That’s not how relationships work, Mae…” Ivan mutters solemnly. “ This rushed marriage… I never wanted it. But how could I not listen to my dying father’s wish? The father who has done so much for me?...Sometimes he still dreams of you and the perfect family he envisioned with you.”

“Did I really upset him by saying no?”

“That's okay, you can’t make everyone happy... Old age has made him childish. But that doesn’t mean I abandon him. Nor does it diminish the value of all the good times I’ve spent with him.”

Ivan speaks the truth, it lays heavy on Mae;s mind. And slowly her flaws come to light as well.

“How did Mr.Mendes know about Levi’s past?” She changes the topic.

“He told me to ask around back when I worked in the Corps… Obviously I noticed the guy you would stare at with such dreamy eyes, I would be blind to not notice… And when I told father about it, he called you for lunch too often. Then your health got worse and he told me to look into it… Almost everyone in the Survey Corps knew that he was an underground thug, how did you not know?”

“Levi is a private person. I didn’t want to pry. I thought he’d tell me himself, when he felt comfortable.”

Mae’s eyes turn moist again, there’s an ever growing tightness in her throat that makes it harder for her to speak. “I can’t believe I dreamt so much of this... I thought we’d be perfect for each other, but look at me now... And look at you Ivan. you and your bride looked perfect as you walked hand in hand…. You got exactly what I dreamt of, whilst I sit here, crying, with the remnants of my broken love life.”

The rain becomes harsher, almost turning to a storm. And a bittersweet smile forms on Ivan’s face, as he ponders over Mae’s words.

“Yeah… Me and my wife are complete in every sense. She’s pretty and I have a well-earning job and a reputable career. Our future is secure here in Mitras, and we have both time and money, we’ll never run short of… And yet, despite all the time we have, we don’t wish to spend it with each other. We speak, but not with our heart. We are bound, but not by love.”

And when Mae looks up at Ivan, she sees the same pain reflect in his eyes, that she saw when he lost his mother. The pain of loss and unhappiness. “We are complete in every sense. We have everything that one needs to be happy. But our love…. Our love is incomplete…”

And a final tear slips past her eyes as Ivan continues. “ You and Levi might not have anything compared to us, but your love is complete.”

This is one of my favourite chapters in this arc, because of all the drama that goes on.

In the previous chapters I felt like it was just Levi and Mae, and everything was revolving around them, so I thought it was becoming kind of monotonous and boring. Which is why I've tried to add more characters this time.

Also I hope no one is surprised by the fact that Mae didn't know about Levi's past yet. (I think that was one of the main reasons for their misunderstandings, because she didn't know of his background yet)

(If anyone is wondering, then Mae will start talking things out with Levi after this, as she is slowly realizing her faults as well.)

So yeah! I'm excited to hear your thoughts, opinions, feedbacks. As always I'm open to criticism as well. (don't be shy lol)

I hope you enjoyed this chapter as much as I enjoyed writing it.

I'll see you soon with chapter 20!

Taglist: @keijikunn @evas-leslas @leviackermanmyhero245 (message me if you want to be added)

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levis-coffeecup · 1 year

Note

SO EXCITED YOU ARE BACK! <333

Awwwww thank you soooo much 😭😭😭😭. You just made my day with this, and I'm soooo glad you sticked around! 💞

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levis-coffeecup · 1 year

Text

Chapter 18 | Stand Still

WC-4.0 k

Content/Warnings

canon- compliant, canon-typical violence, descriptions of PTSD, grief, depression, heavy angst and themes, strong language.

Author's note:

Hi everyone, this chapter is out now, because I had it ready and proof read in my drafts for so long. Chapter 19 will be out by Sunday night, most probably lol.

I've gotten a little lazy about posting songs to listen to while reading the chapter. (For this chapter in particular I don't even remember the song I wrote it to.)

But yeah do let me know if you're reading experience is incomplete without the songs (or if you don;t care about them.) Your feedback (of any sorts) always makes me be better.

Anyways I hope you like the chapter!

Chapters

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22

Masterlist | Playlist | Other Works

DEC 846

The temperature is getting colder, and the sun is drowning under the horizon. Another day is close to its end, and an exhausted sigh escapes Mae’s lips as she looks over at the orange sky.

Her eyes are shutting close with tiredness, and her back aches from the hard cot she has to sleep on. The air has gotten icy, and she wishes she could make herself a warm cup of soup and take a day off for once.

2 hours more, she tells herself.

2 more hours before she shuts the clinic and heads to the tavern.

The clinic she sits in is quite big. Beds are stacked, running along the wall. And three desks are placed in the center, with some significant space between them all. It’s where the doctors sit.

And usually, there’s one patient resting on the bed as well.

But none of Mae’s coworkers are here today. There’s no one on the bed. The clinic feels cold and she feels lonely. It’s one of those days where she really misses her parents.

And she hopes someone drops by to distract her from the pain, because she's tired of re-reading the same book again and again.

Luckily for her, knocks do resound on the wooden door. It swings open, and a lady limps inside, keeping all her weight on one foot as she drags the other forward.

She looks quite young. Probably in her mid-twenties. And Mae is quick to get distracted by the big bouquet of roses in her hand.

“Hi doctor.” She smiles warmly. And Mae gets up, helping her to the closest bed.

“Hi, how are you doing?” She takes the bouquet of flowers from the lady’s arm and places it on one of the center tables. And then she helps her take a seat on the bed.

“Thank you so much, doctor… My name is Ella, by the way. It’s my first time here.”

“Hi Ella, I’m Mae. Tell me what’s wrong? What happened to your leg?” Mae says, as puts her stethoscope around her neck.

“Oh! Silly me, slipped on some milk I dropped while cooking…, it's probably nothing. But, Joseph, my lover insists I need to get it checked,” Ella blushes. And then timidly she says, “he’s so over the top isn’t he?”

And Mae frowns, Ella’s words leaving bitterness in her stomach.

She puts the ends of the stethoscope in her ears. “We’ll check the basics first, your heartbeat, your blood pressure… close your eyes please… and take a deep breath.”

And Ella follows, closing her eyes, and taking in deep inhales.

Yet all that Mae’s eyes can focus on are the love bites splattered over Ella’s neck. She flaunts it in her sweetheart neckline dress.

Even her skin has this glow, that only loves sparks. Envy pricks Mae’s heart.

And she knows that Levi is busy as hell. She knows that he hardly finds time for himself, and she also knows that she isn’t dating an ordinary man who can make her his world.

She’s dating a man who has already dedicated his heart to humanity first.

But she’s still dating him. And once in a while, she does want to do all the lovey dovey things that couples do.

Once in a while, she’d like to feel like he actually cares for her a tad bit.

She focuses her attention on Ella’s feet, pressing her fingers into her sole, then her heel. Trying to figure out the problem area. “Does this hurt?”

“Not really.” Ella answers.

“How about this?”

“It feels alright.”

And then she ends up pressing her fingers way too hard. Ella winces, and Mae looks down, apologetic. Her pent up frustration bleeds into her professional life as well.

“I’m sorry,” she murmurs in shame. Her fingers move upward, applying pressure on Ella’s ankle. She remembers to be gentler. And she knows she’s found the problem area, when Ella shifts in slight discomfort.

Mae jots a few words on her notepad, and brings back a concoction from the medicine cupboard. She works on Ella’s ankle, massaging it a little, and wrapping it up tight, in some gauze.

“It’s a sprain. I’ve applied some salve on it and wrapped it up, and here is your prescription.” she says, as she rips a page from her notebook. “ Be sure to clean up and re-apply the salve once everyday… I know walking is possible, but not recommended. And don’t put too much pressure on that foot obviously.”

“Thank you doctor.” Ella flashes a genuine smile.

And usually Mae keeps her patients company and talks to them until they leave. But she doesn’t want to talk to Ella.

She’s bubbling with the type of excitement that only new love brings. And Mae doesn’t want to hear any of it. So she politely nods and turns away, planning to sit in the farthest corner, with a medical book, to make herself look busy.

“Doctor, could you get me my roses please, I want them next to me” Ella calls out.

And Mae swivels, trying hard to swallow the miserable feeling in her heart.

Her walk towards the bouquet is rather slow and dreadful, and she can only wince, when she sees the take care, sweetheart note, hidden between the roses. “Must be good… to have such a wonderful relationship.” She says, half with desire, and half with bitterness.

“Yeah! It is…It’s just been 2 weeks, and I already feel like he’s the one.”

And Mae looks down at the other ground, the fabric of her dress, crunched between her fist.

There’s a sinking feeling in her heart, that she can’t escape.

It's been more than a month since her and Levi have started dating, and they haven’t hugged, they haven’t been out on a date. Heck! They haven’t held hands yet. The only thing that has been remotely romantic, is the pecks she leaves on his cheeks every now and then. And even that stays unreciprocated.

And she wonders if there is something wrong with her?

She doesn’t want Levi’s money. She doesn’t care about his title. Her happiness has always lied in the smallest of things. Like a single compliment from him, and just a feeble attempt to intertwine their hands together. But Levi doesn’t give her any of that.

He continues to be his usual blunt self, and it hurts. It hurts because she cares so much about everything he says.

It’s always her, who shows up to his office. It’s always her who has the urge to meet him. It’s always her, who wants to spend more time with him. It’s always her……Never him..

She even knitted a blanket for him so that he could stay warm in the coming winters. And all he did was say thanks, and not even look at her for the rest of the evening.

And her mouth runs dry, as she looks at the gleeful smile on Ella’s face. There’s a trivial urge to snap back at her. Bare her teeth. And wipe that wretched smile of her lips. Time ticks at a suffocating pace, and no one has ever been able to make Mae so agitated.

The absence of Levi’s love weighs heavy on her shoulders. And she wonders if she’ll ever get an ounce of the love she pours out?

Somehow she manages to hand the bouquet with human decency. But just as she’s turning around, Ella bothers her again.

“Also do you mind, if I wait here a little longer, Joseph is coming to pick me up. He dares, I don’t walk by myself.” she jokes off.

And Mae plasters the fakest of smiles on her lips. “Yeah of course.” she says, with an overbearing sweetness. “Take care, Ella… I hope you heal and never have to come to a hospital again.”

━━━━━━━━━━━━

The bar is musty as usual.

And Levi sits at the worn out tables. Scrunching his nose at the putrid smell of alcohol.

It’s 8:00, Mae’s shift starts any moment now. And patiently, he sits, eyes trailed on the door that leads to the kitchen.

He has missed her. All the meetings, the training, the paperwork, it’s so monotonous. But meeting her, even though he meets her everyday is colorful. Filled with sparks and flying emotions.

It's the same person he’s seen for years before, his tutor, his first friend on the surface. And he doesn’t understand how his heart suddenly flutters at the sight of her, even when he’s so familiar with her face, with her voice, with her finger tips.

And once again his heart picks up its pace, as he sees her come out of the kitchen.

She does her job wonderfully well. Moving from table to table with grace, and engaging with the customers with a smile plastered on her face. Beautiful is too weak of a word to describe her.

But exhaustion lays heavy on her shoulders.

Levi can see it in the way she drags her legs, and in the dead look her eyes hold. He sees the way her collarbones pop, almost protruding.

When did you last eat, he wants to ask her.

He raises his hand up, wanting to see her closer.

Come sit next to me, make yourself at home. Let me take the weight off your shoulders

Deep down in his heart, he knows that he should leave her.

Erwin’s words still ring in his head. They have left him paralyzed, unable to feel nothing but guilt when he sees her.

He feels stupid for asking her to be with him.

And he knows, he’ll never be able to give her the kind of life she deserves.

He’s not good with love, he’s not good with emotions. He has nothing to provide for.

But it’s her.

And with her, he can’t help but be selfish.

He’s lost her once, losing her again will rip his heart to pieces and torment his brain. She's too dear to him.

And as much as he is proud of her. He hates to see her like this, working tirelessly, unhappily. It shames him to know that it’s him who landed her a job like this. That he’s the reason for all the troubles in her life.

Only if he had been more gentler, only if he hadn’t messed up, like he always does.

“Mae, you’re man’s asking for you.” Raz teases, and Mae looks over to see Levi sitting with his hand raised.

By now every single person in the bar knows his order. He’s been coming here for 4 months, everyday.

And she walks into the kitchen, and tells one of the chefs to make some black tea. The meet with her last patient still brews in her head. The bouquet of roses, the love bites, it's all fresh in her mind.

And Levi senses her displeasure as well. Reading her face has become something he’s proficient in. “You doing okay?” He asks quietly, as she places his tea in front of him.

She smells of medicine and healing herbs. And if he was courageous enough, he would place his hand over hers.

“I’m alright,” Mae bites back all her complaints. She’s quick to place his tea on the table and saunteer away from him. Finding the tenderness in his eyes suffocating, when she compares it to how harsh his actions seem.

The night passes as usual. Long and uneventful. Soon the crowd starts clearing out. Raz bids her farwell and Levi steps outside, waiting for Mae.

It’s late, and the streets stand empty, devoid of all people. It’s silent all around. And Mae joins him in silence as well. Not a word exchanged, not a smile on her face.

And in silence they move ahead.

Levi zips his coat higher as the still air makes his skin run cold. His breath fogs in the air and he licks his chapped lips as he treads forward, “You’re warm?” He asks Mae. More than willing to shed his coat off for her, so that she can have a comfortable walk home.

“I’m alright.” She says, even though her hands feel a little cold. Her gaze falls to his hand, a speck of desire floating in them. She wishes she could hold his hand along the way.

Her frustrations with Levi seem never-ending. And she continues suffering in silence, thinking about what they could have been.

She would look forward to these walks back home so much. They would be the highlight of her day, the reward of all the work she’s done throughout.

Joy would overcome her, and she would feel blissful. to spend even a single moment with him.

But now she can’t help but overthink every single Levi related decision she has made.

Her dream of being with him still remaining a dream, because even though they are lovers, he hardly treats her like one.

“Did you get a dress to wear for the wedding?” Levi asks, a futile attempt to make a conversation. He likes to hear her voice, and the childish tone that grips it when she’s excited.

“Oh yeah, Ivan’s wedding is just a month away now.” She recollects. “ I’ll probably not… I’m trying to save up and it's not like it's my wedding and I have to look pretty anyways.”

Levi clicks his tongue in response, and Mae grimaces. Once again the person she wants attention from doesn’t give her any. She wishes he’d tell her that she’s pretty exactly as she is. She wishes he’d tell her that he wants her to look pretty for him.

And even though she walks stiff and silent, her unhappiness is piercing and loud. Levi can only pray that he’s not the reason for the distaste on her lips.

“You look so tired… You should stop overworking yourself. I can give you some money instead.” He comments. I hate it when you work so many jobs , he means.

“Do I look bad?”

“Like shit.” He talks with his usual bluntness.

Her insecurities sky rocket. Sometimes she wonders why she even tries so hard to manage everything. Her eyes flicker away, blinking away the tears that form against her will.

“You don’t have to be here everyday, I know you're busy, and obviously 4 hours sitting in a bar is a huge waste of time for you.” Bitterness leaves its traces in her tone, and the silence that falls next feels like a harsh slap to Levi.

He worries about her, he wants the best for her. And he wonders where he’s going wrong.

“Mae…” his voice trails off, softening. “It’s not about me, it's about you.”

He hates the state she’s living in. He hates all the jobs she has to do just to make some money.

And he doesn’t know how to tell her that her condition reminds him of the type of life his mother used to live.

And he feels like a failure, giving a harsh life once again, to the woman in his heart.

Of course, it is inconvenient for him to take out 4 hours from his day to do nothing… But it's much more than his inconveniences.

To him, it's the only way he can profess his feelings to Mae.

And meeting her is the only thing he looks forward to, in his entire day.

“I’m not with you to take money from you Levi… I don’t think I’ll be able to respect myself if I do so.” Her voice pulls him back to the impending conversation. It's the same answer that she’s repeated a hundred times before.

“Okay,” he sighs, defeated. And he wishes she could see things from his side instead, And how it's him that made her quit her good old job at the Survey corps and landed her in this shitty position.

They trudge ahead, nevertheless. Silence stirs into the moment, seeping into their relationship as well.

The barren trees that stand tall against the wind, disappear and heaps of garbage replace them. The colors are gone and the streets are musty. The houses are gray, made of metal sheds, and rusted in some places. And the smell of sewage overpowers everything.

Mae’s home lies in the inner areas, where things only get more disgusting.

Levi’s face turns into a grimace. And Mae takes in a breath, on the verge of breaking apart.

What has her life turned to? It seems like a never ending tunnel, with no source of light waiting at the end.

She misses her parents, but they’re far dead. And she misses the bond her and Levi used to have, but Levi seems indifferent.

And just as always, she keeps it all within herself, all her problems, all her frustrations. When things are uncertain, she shuts herself off instead of speaking about it.

It’s what she did, when he started ignoring her back in the Survey Corps, and it’s what she’s doing now as well. By pushing her desires down her throat. Snatching their strength, and barring them mute.

And Levi hears her silences, he senses her displeasures. And he wants her to tell him what’s hurting her, even if it's parts of him that are at fault.

“What’s up with you today? And please don’t tell me that you’re alright… I've known you long enough to know that you’re not…” Levi tries once again, hoping to encourage her to speak up. For a moment their hands touch and Mae’s eyes glimmer.

He’s right. He’s known her for three years now. In fact he’s the only person alive who's known her for that long. Leaving Mr. Mendes and Ivan of course.

Levi and her have been through so much together.

And yet, the entanglement between them feels so fragile. Like it will break apart with the gush of wind.

It was so much simpler before. Casual head pats were thrown around. She would thoughtlessly poke his cheek and talk to him for hours. They would cook together when they had days off.

He even wiped out food stuck below her lips once, because it was deeply bothering his inner clean freak.

But he doesn’t do any of that anymore.

He doesn’t ruffle her hair anymore. He doesn’t cook with her anymore. And sometimes he even hesitates to sit next to her.

She comes to him, all happy and excited and he sits quaintly silent, busy with all the paperwork he has to day. She dresses up, braiding her hair, and outlining her eyes, attempting to look pretty for him, And he doesn’t even notice.

He is her lover, the person who is supposed to keep her first. The person who only has eyes for her. The person who is supposed to love her the most. And yet she feels so uncared for.

Being in a relationship has never felt this one-sided.

“Do you love me Levi?” Her voice frays, cracking on the edges. It's a cry for help. Her call for re-assurance. Sometimes she really feels unworthy of him. And she prays that he admits that he likes her, at the very least.

But the question renders Levi speechless. He is unprepared, and his heart is lodged so deep in his throat, it forces him to be silent.

“I mean… I do find you more tolerable than most?’ he stutters out after a while, unsure.

And Mae’s eyes flit down, filled with disappointment.

What kind of answer is that? Someone tolerable? Is that all she is to him?

The spiral she’s falling down into isn’t unfamiliar. It's the same that she spends hours in. Her mornings begin with whether he loves her. And her nights end with crying about the unfortunate state of her relationship.

Time runs slow, as it drifts into slumber.

Levi’s steel gray eyes are trained ahead, his lips slightly parted. And Mae’s heart starts fluttering again as she looks at him. Levi walks like the wind, and she flies like the sand behind him. She hopes she doesn’t lose herself in the process of loving him.

And she tries her best to contain the moisture in her eyes. Unable to take this pain of being so close, yet so far from him. Of being his lover, yet not even feeling like his friend

She has never loved anyone the way she has loved him. It is so self consuming. Like drowning deeper in a pit of water, and doubting whether somewhere at the end, things will be worth it or not. And sometimes the water feels warm and fills her with hope, yet sometimes it is cold and she shudders in how deep she's stuck.

Because Levi is what she thinks of when she wakes up, and he is also what she thinks when she dozes off. And at one point in her life, all she ever wanted was for him to get his tea shop, because all she ever dreamt of, was his dream coming true.

But that was wrong. And she can’t spend her entire life leeching on someone else's goals. She has to be a little more independant, a little more responsible for her own happiness.

And now she knows that if things feel bothersome in the relationship, she will leave. However heartbreaking it might be.

Because if she doesn’t look after her heart, then who will?

If only she knew that Levi sits rigid because of his loud head, that questions every action he takes. Doubting everything he does, because he doesn't know how to be romantic. He doesn’t know what to do with all the love that Mae pours out at him.

And he still doesn’t know what to do with this feeling of loving and being loved, because he is so unused to it. Mistakes are all he’s ever made. He’s afraid he’ll hurt her again.

And they walk ahead, in tandem. Like 2 parallel lines, never meant to unite,

The familiar exterior of Mae's home finally comes to sight. It’s depressing, a small metal shed, stacked in between two thin walls, but for now, it seems more comforting than standing next to Levi.

Their journey ends before they could unite. The candle flame blows off before it could flicker. And Mae looks towards the gate, longing to get away from her unloving lover.

Her mind, her heart, her body are tired.

She’s been working so damn hard. Without a single break, on minimum wage. But even after all this work she’s doing, life feels so unfulfilling. There’s nothing rewarding, and she still has no one to come back to, leaving herself.

Slowly she turns to face Levi, with a subtle frown pulling on her lips.

“Goodnight…” Not a single peck, not a single smile. Her eyes fall to the ground, fearful that the tears might spring out.

And she is convinced that Levi doesn’t want her. And he’s only not voicing it out because he's afraid to hurt her feelings again.

Because he still sees her as the weak and sensitive girl, who let him hold her by her collar, and couldn’t say a word in return.

And Levi looks at her fading figure with his lips downturned, missing the warmth of her lips that blossoms on his cheek when she pecks him.

Hi guys, I hope everything is making sense so far. (no plot holes or questions in your mind... I'm hoping lol)

This chapter was more about what's going on between Levi and Mae on an individual level. I'm sorry if this chapter was a little boring, but I promise that things are going to start moving pretty quick

One of the problems I had with the previous chapter (17-20) was that it never showed how hard Mae's life had become, as she was tackling two jobs at once. And also there was hardly any focus on her being a doctor. So I hope I'm at least tackling that.

Other than that, as always I'll be very happy to hear anything you have to say (criticism, comments, opinions about the newer chapters being better or bad)

I hope you have a great day/ night ahead.

Taglist: @keijikunn @evas-leslas @leviackermanmyhero245 (message me if you want to be added)

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levis-coffeecup · 1 year

Text

Chapter 17 | The Ocean in between

WC-4.6 k

Content/Warnings

canon- compliant, canon-typical violence, descriptions of PTSD, grief, depression, heavy angst and themes, strong language.

Author's note:

Heyyyy guys, it's been so long!😟I'm getting a little emotional as I type this... uploading a new chapter again, feels so nostalgic. And I'm really really sorry for keeping you hanging for tooo long.

I don't know how many of you are still here, but I did manage to re-write chapters 17 to 20 (with a better plot in my opinion.) And a well deserved book and life update awaits at the end of the chapter!

Some of the scenes remain quite the same, in the new chapters as well. If you've read them before then I recommend you just skim past them (they only have minute dialogue changes). For this chapter the first scene remains the same, but the 2nd and 3rd scene are quite different.

The themes and the challenges in the coming arc, obviously remain the same, because the characters haven't changed. But things unfold a little differently. You'll spot the difference as the story progresses. (Mainly the plot for the arc has changed, but the essence remains the same.)

The song for this chapter is Christmas Tree by V.

I hope you like it. (And please do let me know about any grammatical errors you've found. I'm really sleep deprived🤡🤌)

Chapters

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22

Masterlist | Playlist | Other Works

NOV 846

“Humanity’s Strongest, huh?” Raz says as she looks down at her strawberry milkshake. Fiddling with her straw and stirring the drink again. Then she pops the straw into her mouth, and slurps loudly. “So do his muscles flex with his every movement?”

“RAZ!” Mae exclaims as an embarrassing red starts to fill up her cheeks, “he doesn’t walk around the house naked!”

“Oh…that's boring,” she drones out in a bored tone. And she remembers seeing that short man, dressed in a cloak, always sitting at the corner in the tavern. She remembers how his gaze would be stuck on Mae, and how he would show up everyday.

And he still shows up to this day. It feels like nothing has changed, except the now cordial behavior of both parties towards each other. “So when did this happen… between you guys?”

“2 weeks back,” Mae mutters as she looks down at her drink to hide the smile that forms on her face, as she remembers how this past month has passed by.

With Levi getting pastries for her every alternate day, and having tea with her in her room, after her shifts at the tavern.

Something in him changed when she spoke to him the other day, something in him made him take the initiative. And no longer was he the awkward, inexpressive man who would follow her back to her room everyday.

Instead, he started walking with her and asked her about her day.

And then one day, in the daunting sunlight he came to her doorsteps. “I want to live without any regrets as well,” he said, with his cheeks beet red. And Mae was sure it was because of the feelings that he was trying to express, rather than the scorching afternoon heat.

He fiddled with the hem of his shirt, and shied away from meeting her gaze. Then his stomach grumbled, and she looked away, a little embarrassed of the measly cup of plain rice she was planning to have today.

She still offered him to have lunch with her though. With hesitance in her tone. But he just simply nodded his head left and right, as he said, “ I'm not the one struggling with money here.”

And how could she say no to the thoughtful man in front of her, who was trying to keep her needs in front of his. How could she not discard the few doubts in her head, when she had been a witness to how caring he had been to her the past few days.

She had to give him a shot, she had to give this relationship a chance to spring. She knew it.

“2 WEEKS BACK! And you’re telling this to me now?” Raz’s squeals, breaking Mae’s trail of thought.

“Y- yeah… “Mae stutters, “I was still accepting the fact that w-we… we are lovers now… It's quite hard to believe, you know?” Deep red settles on her cheeks, and Raz lets out a hearty chuckle, as she sees the lovesick condition of her friend.

“Oh god! Look at you Mae,” she squeals. “Reddened , and sporting his olive green coat as well.”

“T-This, “A soft smile settles on Mae’s face, as she leans into the palm of her rested arm. “I stole it from Levi so that he comes to meet me today.”

And Raz can see the adoration that fills her eyes when she speaks of him. One day, she would like to interrogate Levi as well, to see how he is and what his intentions are.

But she also knows that it isn’t needed, because Levi’s intentions are clear as the daylight.

It's clear that he loves her, and all he wants is the best for her. Even when times got tough, he was ready to keep his feelings aside, and let her slip away and marry a man he thought would make her happier.

“You get red just at the thought of him.” She hums, and then her gaze falls down. “Just don’t forget me amidst all that goes on between you and your lover.”

And Mae puts her hand forth and places it on her, sensing her fears. There was once a point in both of their lives, when they were the only ones for each other.

They even lost their families the same way. In that cruel Reclamation mission. But while Mae tried to save her parents by collecting money, come what may. Raz’s parents used every single penny in their savings to get their daughter out of the mission, and sacrificed themselves.

But the end was the same, they were both left all alone and family less.

Mae didn’t know there had been so many people who had suffered the same fate as her.

And even though she has Levi as well now, Raz just has her, and so she makes a resolve to still prioritize Raz and make her feel important and loved as well.

“You don’t have to worry about me forgetting you at all.” Mae smiles, as she squeezes Raz’s hand. It's a sweet comforting moment for both of them. They’ve come far from where they once were.

“By the way, do I look alright?” Mae asks out of the blue, as she tucks in a few strands of hair, behind her ear.

And obviously the lack of sleep, due to all the jobs Mae’s working still shows its effect on her. But no one can deny the glow on her skin, and the way her eyes light up when she thinks of him.

It just feels like the kind of love that is so much more than physical attraction and lust.

And Raz can’t help but grin at the question. “You look beautiful in olive green”

Mae grins, hoping she can pull out a compliment from Levi as well today. “Thanks Raz.”

“So what do you guys do after your shift ends?” Raz’s eyes glint with amusement. “I’ve seen you leave the tavern with him… do you bang each other in a secluded corner of the city?”

“RAZZ!” Mae squeals, Eyes wide and eyebrows raised all the way up. “That is so inappropriate.”

“Doesn’t mean you guys don’t do it.” she smirks

“W-we don’t do anything like that… he just drops me home. And for your information, we are taking the relationship pretty slow… very slow. So slow that it would be boring for you. Because it's a big step for Levi to even get into one, so I don’t want to bombard him into anything.”

But a teasing smirk still rests on Raz’s face, thoroughly enjoying how coy Mae has turned at the topic.

“I mean we are so busy, so it's not going to happen anytime soon” Mae continues on, ”On weekdays he drops me off and that's all, and on the weekends I always go to meet him, and he makes me tea and that’s all. And well we haven’t even…kissed each other yet… even though I want to, really badly.”

And Raz giggles out loud as she sees the seriousness on Mae’s face. ‘Well, I hope you get your kiss today then?”

━━━━━━━━━━━━

The air feels cold and Levi wraps his olive green cape around his shoulders, to keep himself warmer.

Mae’s taking longer than usual. The wait makes him nervous, and so does the thought of meeting her. And he can’t help but drum his fingers as he stands in front of her door.

The distant sound of her footsteps falls on his ears. His posture straightens, and he swoops his hair behind his ear, making sure everything is alright, as he braces himself to face her. The woman who makes his heart feel fuzzy with her mere existence.

“Levi!” The door creaks as it opens. And in front of him stands Mae. Wearing his Survey Corps cape, with her hair tied back in a decorative braid. And black kohl outlining her warm brown eyes.

“We’re matching,” she blushes, and she coyly looks to the ground, unable to match the intensity of Levi’s stare. She hopes she looks as close to perfect.

And Levi stands awkward. Voice lost in the influx of nervousness, and the beauty of the moment. It's one of the times where he finds himself a little too mesmerized by how things have turned out for him.

The only thing he finds himself capable of doing is to stand and stare.

“Won’t you come in?” Mae’s brows furrow at his stillness. And after a second’s wait, she takes his hand, and pulls him inside. “I read something interesting today, it's about this thing called the ocean,” she gushes as she makes him sit on her cot and then plops down right next to him.

A book lays half open on her pillow, and she picks it up and turns a few pages until a big hand drawn illustration opens up. ‘The ocean’ it’s labeled. And wide and expansive it stands. Stretching to the skies, and running through the horizon.

“Apparently it's all water, and not just regular water, but salt water. Isn't that crazy?” Her enthusiasm radiates in waves that would deluge any normal person. It's infectious.

“Salt is so rare and expensive for us.… And the ocean is soooo big that it is only a little smaller than the sky. And it’s said that a million other organisms live inside it…. Live inside the water? Doesn’t that sound impossible.” Mae rambles, in her stupor. And Levi closes his eyes, trying to visualize what she is saying.

It's hard.

The space between them is miniscule. He can smell her lavender scented lotion and feel the warmth of her skin.

The distance between them is miniscule. It's the only thing he can focus on. And yet he wants to erase it, and press his side body to hers, so close that no force of nature is able to rip them apart.

And when his eyes open and find hers, he feels like a small boatman, lost in the ocean of her love.

It’s overwhelming. It’s intimidating. And he feels weak in front of her.

She’s his paddle, his guide in this new universe he’s immersed himself into. He has to cross her, he has to reach her. But she’s also the storm in front of him.

How will his delicate boat reach her shores?

“Is everything alright?” Mae places her hand on his cheek, cupping it. “You’ve been quiet, Levi.”

His hair is perfectly gelled. So neat and tidy, she wants to card her fingers through it and mess up how perfect they look

His slate-gray eyes, she sees perfection in them. Moments spent with him don’t seem to follow the rules of time. They fly.

Her heart pounds in her chest. And all she wants is to smash her lips into his.

The moment draws. There’s desire in her eyes and nervousness in his.

Mae’s question still hangs in the air. And all Levi knows is that if he would have had two hearts, he would lose both of them to her.

He opens his mouth and closes it. The fluttering in his stomach is almost dizzying.

“I-I’m in a h-hurry,” he mutters. It's the only thing he could think of, to save himself from the thoughts he can’t seem to voice out loud.

And Mae’s eyes fall to the floor. Disappointment heavy in them.

These are the only words he has said to her, ever since he’s come here.

“Oh… ,” she mutters, making herself small. A part of her wants to ask him to stay, but she doesn’t want to beg. And so she starts taking off his cape, that's what he is here for anyways.

The next couple minutes unfold in silence and stillness. Mae’s eyes flicker everywhere, unable to look at Levi’s figure.

She wants to talk to him more, but he wants to go. It makes her feel unwanted.

And Levi gets up, as soon as she places his cape in his lap.

There’s an invisible string between them, pulled taut with tension. A distance that grows larger and desires that have been left unanswered.

The sound of the door being pulled opened sounds painful to Mae’s ears. And she racks her brain for anything mildly interesting that would make him stay even a second longer.

“Ivan is getting married in two months,” she spouts out of nowhere. “...I’ll be traveling to Mitras for a few days, to attend the wedding.”

It's not any of Levi’s concerns but it's an event nevertheless, she thinks.

And Levi does turn around, an eyebrow raised up in seriousness. “You’ll take the ship?”

“No… a public cart probably… I don’t think I can afford the ship…” Mae trails off, and his lips turn into a grimace. He imagines her squished in the small cart with other people, traveling on bumpy roads for hours. The public cart is the slowest transportation of them all.

“I can pay for the ship…the public cart will take about a day, you know that right?” He urges, voice stern yet protective. “And it's an uncomfortable journey.”

“It's okay Levi… I don’t want to suck money off of you.” Mae smiles, the love in her heart slowly rekindling.

Their eyes meet, like the groundedness of the earth and the unruly current of water. Eye contact unwavering. And Levi knows she’s not backing down anytime soon.

“Fine then,” he sighs. “I’ll come with you.”

And at that, Mae isn’t able to contain the smile on her face. “Really?” she gasps and her face softens. “You’ll make time for me?”

Warmth starts seeping into Levi’s cheek. What he feels for her sprouts up in full force, and it shows on his face.

“I-I h-have to. Don’t trust you to not get yourself into trouble,’ he responds as he turns his back to her and sets a foot outside. Trying his best to act unbothered.

And his demeanor raptures her entire heart. From the way he stutters, to the burning blush that spreads from his cheeks to the tip of his ear. She feels like she’s gotten everything she needs.

“Wait,” she jolts up in excitement, and bolts towards him. “I need to tell you something… it's a secret.”

“We are all alone, you can tell me about it.” he states, back still towards her and eyes fixated ahead.

And he gulps, as he hears the sound of her footsteps. They seem to have synched with the steady increase of his heartbeat.

“NO… it’s… it’s embarrassing. And what if someone with hearing skills like yours hears it?”

And he lets out a heavy exhale as he turns to face her. She’s standing on the door sill, just a step away from him. “G-o ahead.”

She takes a step closer to him, and stands up on her tippy toes to reach his ear. Placing her hand on his shoulder for balance. And he stiffens as he feels her breath tickle his earlobe.

Her rose tinted cheeks are only a few inches away. And his heart beats so loud at the moment, he’s sure she can hear it.

“So….” Her voice trails off, and Levi’s patience wears thin.

For a moment her breath stills against his skin, and then a peck lands on his cheek, and for the first time in years, Levi is slow to react. He is slow to come back to his senses, and the hand that reaches up to the spot where she pecked him and remains there is slow as well. The only thing that seems fast is the way his cheeks turn beet red.

And slowly his flustered face turns into an annoying scowl. And now he looks like a kid who's pretending to be angry, with his cheeks puffed and a pout on his face.

Mae starts to step back, away from him with the dorkiest smile on her face and her hands behind her back.

“Oi, y-you b-b-brat.” Levi tries to speak in a demanding tone, as he steps towards her. And laughter ripples from her chest as she quickly closes the door in his face.

And as she leans against it, keeping her hand on her gushing heart, she can’t help but think about the feeling of his skin on her lips.

So much planning and plotting for a single peck.

But with Levi this is all she gets. These small moments and these subtle touches.

_____________________

Warmth still blossoms on Levi’s cheeks, as he sits in Erwin’s office, attending a meeting about the water issues the Survey Corps faced last summer.

Lauda and Dirk from the Logistics squad, sit opposite to him. Reading through a few reports kept on the table. The moonlight shines through the windows. And the sound of fallen leaves rustling plays in the background.

It’s the season of fall, but spring blossoms in Levi’s heart. Involuntarily, his hand reaches towards the spot where Mae kissed him. Her lips were there, just an hour ago.

The red on his face still hasn’t disappeared. He doesn’t understand how easily the thoughts of her distract him, even when she’s nowhere near him.

No one’s ever been so close to him.

And the cloak he wears smells like her now. It feels like her presence has washed over him. And weirdly he feels like wearing it instead of the newly washed one kept in his closet.

And he doesn’t understand how easily she makes him happy, just by her smile.

A pen drops to the floor, its metal cap rattling against the wooden floor.

And Levi blinks awake, straightening his posture, and focusing back on the meeting. Even though he does deem it unimportant.

“Because this castle is in the middle of a forest the only good source of water we have is the river.” Lauda urges.

“And the river is seasonal,” Dirk adds. “ We’ll end up facing the same water shortage, this summer, we need to build pipelines, if we want to stay here.”

The river… Levi thinks to himself. It was where he first met Mae.

All of a sudden all the foolish scenes he’s read in romance novels are playing in his life as well.

The butterflies in the stomach, the limitless joy, and the desire to just be with her… It has all come alive and painted his life in vivid colors. And he’s convinced that one of the characters has come alive and haunted him as well.

And as horrifying as that sounds he doesn’t have many qualms about it.

“But building pipelines will take up most of our budget. And this is an old castle, it’s going to be hard to cut through the stone.” Erwin interjects. “What do you think Levi?”

“Mhm.” Levi hums without thinking. Mind still lost in the miraculous unfoldings of his life.

“Levi!,” Erwin calls again.

And Levi snaps, startled. Eyes widening for a millisecond. Hastily he wipes off the smile on his face, and replaces it with a much suited frown.

“Are you doing okay, Captain.” Dirk asks, “You look distracted, and your face has turned red.”

And Levi can only clear his throat awkwardly, clearly caught off guard, and unable to utter a coherent sentence from his mouth. “Y-Yes.. you can go ahead.” He crosses his arms, and speaks with sternness.

“What we are proposing is, either we build pipelines to the water canals that run through Jinae. Or we shift headquarters because this water problem isn’t going away if we depend on the river.”

“The water has always been a big problem during summers.” Levi deducts, trying to be resourceful. “And this castle is old and worn down, there are quite a lot of things that don’t work well… Do you have any particular location in mind that fits our budget?”

“Yes, there is… Exactly why we brought this up now. It's the perfect time.” Lauda says, as she shuffles through her file. She pulls out a map, and spreads it on the center table. “It's in the eastern region of Rose, in the Karanes district.

Levi’s brows furrow. The suggested place is quite far from Jinae. And the Trost gate is what they usually use to step out for any mission.

Yet the water shortage was quite a problem last time.

A lot of training sessions had to be pushed back, and the horses were sent to the local stables, to protect them form the intense summer heat and the risk of dehydration.

“Well, I’ll have to go and visit the site first, before I land on a firm decision.” Erwin concludes. “But thanks for the input, Lauda and Dirk, the meeting is dismissed.. If you could hand me those papers please.”

“Of course commander, “ they salute and head off. And Levi gets up as well, preparing to get back to his quarters and catch up with his paperwork. But much to his dismay, someone stops him.

“Levi… Stay back for a moment.” Erwin calls out and Levi tenses.

And slowly he turns behind, the frown on his face, apparent.

Erwin points towards the chair in front of his desk. And with the sly expression playing on Erwin’s face, Levi knows that some shit is brewing in his head.

He groans. It reminds him of the insufferable talk sessions he had with Erwin, when he started at the Survey Corps.

But what choice does he have anyways? So he curses under his breath, and sinks back into the chair, with his arms folded.

“So I guess you’ve started dating then?” Erwin breaks the ice. Placing both his elbows on the table, and leaning forward. An eyebrow raised in mirth “How long has it been?... 2 weeks I’m guessing?”

“Pft, what?” Levi lets out a groan, attempting to act appalled. “What the fuck makes you think so?”

And Erwin smirks, like the know it all he is. Which means he’s going to stick his nose into Levi’s business, until his curiosity is quenched. “Your handwriting has gotten sloppier, I find you smiling more often. and have you ever seen the expression on your face? Its-”

“Cut it “Levi glares, partially embarrassed. “You’d better shut your shitty mouth if you know what’s good for you.”

Silence settles, yet amusement still rests on Erwin’s features, it tests Levi’s patience in every way.

But he loses, and heaves out an exhausted sigh. It's tiring to act so stoic and grim when his life has become so beautiful all of a sudden.

For the first time in his life, he feels grateful to have something.

For the first time in his life, things have happened the way he wanted them to.

She chose him, despite all the times he messed up. She chose him over everyone else. It makes him feel special. It makes him feel worth something more than the war. And the glee can;t help but show on his face, however uncharacteristic it might be.

And Erwin wistfully smiles at the condition of his friend.

Never had he imagined, he'd get to see the rebellious underground thug, so soft and flustered. And empathy resounds deep in his sky blue eyes as he softly admits, “I once loved a woman too, you know… She was beautiful, as smart as a fox.”

And Levi leans forward, evidently interested now. Never had he thought a man like Erwin would find any value in love. “Where is she now?” He asks forth, curious.

Erwin’s features soften, gaze turning tender, and eyes almost pained. “She’s married to my friend in the military police… Living a comfortable life in Rose.”

And Levi’s brows arch up in realization. It all makes sense now… the letters Erwin sends to Nile Dok, even though he hates his guts. “Don’t tell me that friend is that Bastard… Dok.”

“Sadly, it is.” Erwin hums, getting a little lost in thought. “I was friends with him once, we were in the same training batch… Fell in love with the same girl.”

And Levi’s features soften,

He’d seen Mae with Ivan countless times. And he’d seen people tease her about their marriage. And even though he’s lived through Erwin’s pain for just a few months, it was still pure torture.

Sometimes, he swore that he could physically feel his heart break into two.

“Well her loss, for choosing such a dumbfuck,” he mutters, attempting to console his commander.

“Wasn’t her choice Levi… it was my decision.” Erwin’s voice frays. “I could never give her the life she deserved, and I-I loved her way too much to want a life like that for her, where I could die any moment, and leave her a widow… You know how life is with us, we never know which mission will be our last.”

And Levi's eyes widen. The cherry blossoms in his heart, slowly withering as guilt seeps into his mind.

As always Erwins speaks the harshest of the truths. And Levi will never be able to keep Mae above his duty and he'll never be able to give her the type of life he wants for her. Either she leaves him disappointed, or he dies and leaves her devastated.

And he feels the building tightness in his throat, as he sinks deeper into the chair.

How did he not see that this relationship is sure to turn into a tragedy as well?

And how did he get so lost in his emotions, and forget the theme that has played all over his life.

The atmosphere darkens, turning rather tedious. And the shift in Levi is something Erwin notices too. “I didn’t make you stay back to discuss all this depressing stuff.” Erwin mutters, a little stressed himself . “I- '' he hesitates. “I just want to ask something of you. I hope it's not something way too big.”

And Levi looks up at him, his eyes still conflicted.

“As the commander of the Survey Corps, I can only hope that you still continue to do your best. And I can only hope that you can keep your mind over your heart. Your logic over your emotions. And I can only… request you to keep your duty as a soldier over everything, because that’s what’s necessary for humanity.”

A barrier stands between them now. One of formality and power.Do you regret letting go of your love? Levi wants to ask, but he also knows that he isn’t ready for that answer yet. Especially when he already struggles to not regret so many things.

He’s being pulled into two ends, right at this very moment. The words said are tearing his mind apart. Shredding his sanity to pieces.

He just can’t picture giving up on something so precious to him.

But in the end he knows what the right decision is and of course it's painful.

And pain is not something new to him.

Pain has taught him discipline.

The emotionlessness starts seeping back into his features. Jaw clenching hard, and eyebrows slightly furrowed in their usual disapproval. And Levi’s face turns stone cold, as he flatly mutters, “Of course. Commander.”

My one year exchange in New York is almost close to its end (I know it's been sooooo long.. I'm sorry.)

Its basically a 2 year degree squished into 1, so the workload is really a lot. And even though a lot of months have passed by, I haven't been able to write as much as I though I would.

I'm done with chapters 17 to 20, so for the next 3 weeks, I'll be posting regularly. The next chapters are all halfway done, so I was thinking of uploading a chapter whenever I'm done with them (not regularly on a specific schedule). What do you think ?

I promise that I'll not leave this book unfinished. But I don't know how long it will take anymore. And I don't want to compromise on the quality.

Also I've had to take a lot of breaks while writing, so please do let me know if there is any change in the quality, or any suggestions to make my writing better.

As always, I'm open to any constructive criticism and feedback.

Thank so much for being so patient with me and this fic. And thank you for reading as well!!!

Taglist: @keijikunn @evas-leslas @leviackermanmyhero245 (message me if you want to be added)

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