#levifanfic | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

levis-coffeecup · 4 months

Text

chapter 22| Lovesick

WC-3.9k

Summary

The underground is filthy and dark. Dim lights, dull alleys, and desperate hearts. A place Levi knows as well as the back of his hand, and a place he would do anything to get out of.

Chapters of life roll by and with the turn of a page, things drastically change. In front of him is the opportunity to live on the surface. And the flimsy bridge that he has to cross. From an uncivil criminal to a disciplined soldier.

But life on the surface seems tougher amidst all the mockery, civilities, and the gaping hole left in his heart, after the demise of his dear friends Isabel and Farlan.

Content/Warnings

canon- compliant, canon-typical violence, spoilers for No Regrets OVA, descriptions of PTSD, grief, depression, heavy angst and themes, strong language, self-hate, physical assault.

Author’s Note

Hi guysss!!!

I'm sorry it's been soo long. But the next chapter is finally out!!

It's similar to the Trost fair chapter, if anyone remembers... but the scene is rewritten. And scene 2 and 3 are completely different! Also, if you find any grammatical errors please comment about it to let me know!

Song for this chapter is Seneca by Novo Amor.

Chapters

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22

Masterlist | Playlist | Other Works

SEPT 847

The streets are muddy, the clouds are gray, and Levi shakes off the muck from his boots as he stands in front of Mae's door.It's been a minute since he's been knocking on her door, and still there's been no answer.

His lips pull into a frown. As much as he hates to admit this, he likes to be welcomed by her jumping into his arms.

His fingers slide down to his pocket, bringing out the spare keys to her home that he always keeps. And he opens the door.

The walls have been repainted yellow. She's knitted colorful pillow covers to keep on the settee. His favorite books are all stacked on the shelf. And the kitchen is always stocked with all kinds of tea.

His gaze turns soft as he takes it all in. Mae has taken her sweet time to make her house theirs.

He climbs up the stairs, making his way to the bedroom.

The curtains are drawn close. And Mae sits on the bed, huddled in a thick blanket. Her face is almost red, and her eyes are dull, clearly unwell. The sight makes Levi freeze at the door frame.

"I knew it was you...," Mae beams with pride, her voice scratchy. "I could tell by your footsteps."

Her forehead is burning up, and it hurts to smile through the pain. But she's so ecstatic to see Levi, she can't help herself. "I want a kiss." Her lips shift into a cheeky grin, and she stretches her arms forward, towards him.

And Levi leans on the doorframe, meters away from her. Unsure of what to feel.

They've only kissed a few times before. But the thought still knocks the wind right out of his lungs.

"N-no, you are sick. Stay away from me." He somehow manages.

"Humanity's strongest can handle a little fever, can't he?" She teases.

"Tch.. y-you're so gross." He pivots and walks away. Only to come around a minute later. With his hands cleaned, and his clothes fresh.

"You're burning up." He scolds as he keeps her hand on her forehead. "How the hell did you end up like this?"

"The weather change-" she coughs.

"Ssh," he silences her off. "Don't talk, your voice is almost gone."

He goes back down again and comes up with some water in a bowl and a clean napkin. "How many times have I told you to not be so careless," His voice is almost angry, but Mae doesn't miss the concern woven in it. "And why didn't you write to me and let me know that you were unwell?"

The tray is set down on the nightstand. And he drags the chair from her work desk, to sit next to her.

"It's just been two days, and a letter takes a week to reach... I'm sure I would have been fine by then."

"Tch," Levi frowns. He dips the napkin into the bowl of water. Squeezing it out and putting it on her forehead. It's cooling, and Mae shuts her eyes close. Warmed by his love.

"Should I call a doctor?" He suggests, a few minutes later.

"Levi! I am a doctor..." she retorts.

"Well congratulations then Ms. Doctor, for falling ill." He grumbles, pissed. The space between his brows is crinkled, and he seems incredibly focused keeping a wet cloth on her forehead.

The relentlessness in his actions gives away his stress.

And Mae doesn't understand why he's getting so paranoid over this. It's a simple fever, that's all, nothing she hasn't had before.

It takes her a minute to realize that his mother died of sickness, too. And perhaps what is making him act this way are the wounds that have been left long forgotten.

Her face softens, and she places her hand over his lap.

"Take a breath Levi. I'm not going anywhere, anytime soon." Her hand lands on his, she gently squeezes it in reassurance.

And Levi's icy blue eyes widen for a millisecond, before he catches himself. Then he grunts, pressing his lips into an unamused line.

"Try to sleep, instead of staring at me," grumbles. He grabs her shoulders as he helps her lay on her back. Then he tucks her in the blanket, for good measure

"You're not mad that I'm unwell, right? I know you're here to take a break... but I don't have anything prepared as I was sick yesterday too..."

"No shithead, why would I be?" he questions, as he blinks at her. There are words buried in his lips that are hesitant to come out. But somewhere down the line, he knows they'll make her feel better.

"I," his voice trails off. "I-I'm glad t-that I'm here and you're not alone, having to take care of yourself."

And Mae's eyes light up. She's blessed indeed, to have someone as wonderful as him next to her.

Her fingers interlock with his, as he sits on the bed, next to her.

"Baby," she sighs. Tempted to bring his hand to her lips and peck it.

"Tch, is that your way of calling me short," Levi's face turns serious all of a sudden, and he raises a brow.

"What noo!" she exclaims, "Raz found herself a guy, and he calls her baby."

"That's such an uncommon thing to call your partner, is he a pedophile or something?"

Laughter escapes past Mae's throat at that. Trust Levi to make the cutest things dark. And then she starts coughing.

He turns her to the side, and starts rubbing her back.

"But isn't it cute." she pouts.

"Tch," Levi clicks his tongue in disdain.

"But Leviii, " Mae huffs, her brown eyes sparkle playfully. " I don't want to be 'brat' anymore, I want to be 'baby'."

"Well unfortunately for me you are a brat and a whiny baby as well." Levi smirks.

"I knew you weren't going to give in to this, which is why I'll find cute nicknames for you instead!"

She ponders for a minute.

"Sweet cake?"

He frowns.

"Okay Mr.Frown Face, how about buttercup then?"

"You're horrible at this" he blinks.

Thunder cackles and raindrops run down the window like tiny rivers. The overcast sky dims the room further. The sound of rain fills up the space, but the dreary weather doesn't dull the mood.

And when Levi places the napkin on Mae's forehead again, her heart races.

"Cupcake?"

"Ew."

"Pudding?"

"Not at all."

"Sugar Plum."

"Mae," Levi sighs, exasperated and partially embarrassed. "I'm an army officer who has killed hundreds of titans with ease. I'm Humanity's Strongest for god sake!"

And Mae sports a toothy, teasing smile. Fully knowing she's the only one who can get away with this. "But... but you were Humanity's Cutest before you were Humanity's Strongest."

And Levi looks back at her. Turning pink and ridden speechless.

"Okay how about pumpkin pie then?"

"I'm not the menu card of the bakery you dream of opening in the future."

"But all my desserts will be inspired by you and you only."

And Levi tries his best to act annoyed. But she has flustered him too much now, much against his own wishes.

He decides that someday if they ever end up having kids, he'll never let Mae name them.

━━━━━━━━━━━━

Sunlight slips past the narrow gaps in the curtains, making the dim room a tad bit bright. The morning sun rises past the trees, making the world get up from its slumber.

And the first thing Mae sees when her eyes open is Levi.

He's on the chair next to her, fanning her body.

Sitting exactly where he was, before she drifted to sleep.

And slowly the clogs in her brain start spinning.

"Levi," she gasps, almost horrified. "Did you not sleep at all?"

"I'm alright..." he mutters, but there's a softness in his gaze. "You're doing so much better now, I guess the wet cloth helped."

Surprisingly, he's not grumpy after not sleeping the entire night. Instead there's a tiny smile playing on his lips. He's happy she's gotten better.

"If you're feeling good, I'll do the other chores then." He says after a few minutes.

And Mae sits up at that, propping herself on her elbows. "I'll help too, my fever is almost gone-"

"No, you rest," he shushes her off by keeping his hand on her forehead. "Take it easy today."

And truly, Levi doesn't let her lift a finger.

He mops the floor. Cleans the cobwebs on the ceilings. Dusts the shelves.

And Mae watches, stuck to her bed.

Now he's sitting on the carpet, with his back to her. Folding all the freshly laundered clothes.

Guilt gnaws at the bottom of her stomach. He's stepping out for a mission the day after tomorrow. And yet she's making him work so much.

It's him who deserves rest, not her.

"I'm sorry for making you do all of this." her voice comes out timid. Still hoarse from the cough that has accumulated in her throat .

His actions pause, and he thinks for a moment, before answering. "Actually I like it... Makes me think of the type of life we would have if the titans didn't exist...Just the two of us, living together."

And Mae doesn't see the smile on his face as he stares down at the pile of clothes. She thinks it lies he's spouting to make her feel better. After all, who likes doing household chores... she hates them for sure.

And so she gets up from her bed, determined to help. But the mirror attached to the adjacent wall makes her stop in her tracks.

A frown forms as she catches her reflection in the mirror.

Her hair is oily and matted against her scalp. And she's not as toned as Levi in any way. Her thighs touch and her belly is not flat. Insecurities crawl underneath her skin.

"Why don't you date someone like Petra?" She asks, thinking out loud.

"Mae." Levi swivels around to see her. "She's not even an adult. How could you think something like that?" He speaks distastefully.

"But she'll grow up, you know... She's pretty, she's strong, and she's got a good body for sure."

Moisture wells up in her eyes. It's not just the guilt of him doing all the chores, it's something that has been troubling her for long.

And Levi sits baffled. He has no idea where this is coming from.

"It's so hard Levi... dating long distance," she sniffs. Her gaze still doesn't come off from the mirror in front of her. As she stands, so obsessed with finding faults in her. "You would be better off dating someone who's in the Corps. That way they'll at least be there for you when you need them, they can help you with all your work, and every message won't take a week to get delivered."

And Levi is on his feet in an instant. His arms reach out to her, and he pulls her into a hug

"Is it becoming too hard for you? Do you want to end it?" he whispers, masking his own heartbreak at the thought.

"It's hard," she ruminates. "But that's not the problem... The problem is that you deserve better." Her voice breaks, and another tear slips past her eye.

Because she sees all the women in town gawk about Humanity's Strongest and how attractive he must be. And she sees all the children that find their hero in him. She's nothing in comparison.

And one day she does hope to be slightly successful. With her own clinic, and a few regular patients. But for now she's just some doctor at a hospital in town. And her dreams seem so far-fetched.

"Look at me Levi... I'm not the best doctor, I'm not the smartest, and I'm not the prettiest... And you're Humanity's Strongest... Don't you see it? You can do so much better than me."

Their gaze meets in the mirror. And Levi stands stumped as he sees how moist her have turned moist.

He's never compared her with any other person he's met.

"But don't you see it?" He questions as if he's stating out the obvious. "You're the closest thing I have to normalcy." And normal sounds so wonderful to him. She doesn't have to be any more capable, or beautiful, she just has to be.

Of course there must be people who are better than her in many ways. But comfort, warmth, home, these are all words he only attaches to her.

His finger reaches below her chin, and he turns her face away from the mirror. Making her look at him. "You're more than your looks Mae, and you're more than your career... I hope you know that."

And she closes her eyes, as he presses a kiss on the top of her head.

"C-can I sit next to you while you fold those clothes?"

"Yes."

"I-I thought y-you were mad at me":

"Why would I be mad, silly?" He says as he ruffles her hair, making it a bigger mess.

"Don't let such crappy thoughts stuff up your head." He flicks her forehead. The next morning Mae wakes up feeling much better. Her throat still feels sore, and a mild headache still troubles . But there is peace in her heart and Levi in her arms.

That's all that matters.

━━━━━━━━━━━━

The night is young, and Mae and Levi have returned back home from their impromptu dinner date.

The curtains are drawn shut. The hearth is warm, cackling with fire. And Mae sits on the bed, changed into something more comfortable.

She was feeling better, and she really wanted to treat Levi to a good meal, before he leaves tomorrow morning.

Next to her bed is the sketch of her and Levi that she got at the Trost Fair. With her smile so big, it makes her eyes squint. Levi obviously sits with his poker face, and his arms crossed in front of him. But Mae loves the way the painter has colored his cheeks and the tips of his ear, slightly red.

A few minutes pass by, and the gears of the bathroom door shift into place.

The door is nudged open, and Levi slips inside. Fresh from his bath. With his inky wet hair clinging on to his face, and pearls of water still dripping down them.

Mae places the sketch in her hands, on the nightstand and withdraws a bottle of essential oil from the drawer. She raises a brow, slightly shaking the bottle as she gestures to levi.

And Levi feigns a sigh as he ambles over to her, and sits in front of her. With his back to her chest, and his butt positioned in between her legs.

She takes the towel that rests on his shoulder, and gently rubs it on his head. To dry his hair that is still dripping wet.

Mae likes to do all these small things for him, from buttoning the shirt he wears to tying the cravat around his neck. It makes her happy. Like she's being of some help to him.

"Are you using all the oils and seasonings I gave you?" She asks as she tosses the towel aside, and picks up the bottle of oil kept on her nightstand.

She pours some of the essential oil onto her palms Then she slides her oil-slathered fingers through his hair strands

"I try to," Levi mumbles, and his eyes flutter close, as he feels her fingers work their way through his scalp. "Tch, my hair is greasy again now... I hate this so much."

"Levi this is expensive, and Lavender really helps in aiding sleep, so you better shut up and follow the routine I have set for you." She speaks with seriousness. "And you take a shower like 5 times a day anyways."

And Levi knows the only say he has in this matter, is to complain, and then comply. So he closes his eyes, and enjoys the sensation of her fingers running through his hair.

And Mae feels sentimental too. She wants to make time pause.

Because when the sun rises tomorrow morning, Levi will be far away from her. Outside the walls. It's a feeling that she's still not used to. Of not knowing whether this moment she's spending with him will be their last together.

"Levi..." she calls out. "You remember the day when you became Humanity's Strongest... back when I was working in the Survey Corps? ... You came back injured and I was treating you."

Levi hums, in correspondence.

"That day Petra told me, that you fight as if you have nothing to lose.... But now that we're together. Does that change anything? Does that mean that you have something you are scared to lose?"

The question renders Levi quiet for some minutes. Or maybe it's that he knows the answer fully well, but he is just hesitant.

He drums his fingers on to his chin, and after some serious contemplation, he finally answers."You are i-important to me Mae, but you aren't more important than humanity... And I do have something to lose now, but I can't let that change the way I fight.. Because if I start fighting like a person who is scared to lose what he has, then humanity might lose as well, and that is something that everyone fears."

It's the bitter truth, the pill that's hard to swallow. She's fallen in love with a man, who will always keep his duties first.

She slides her arms around his chest, and pulls him closer. His back presses her chest, and she rests her chin on his shoulder. "That's the right decision. After all, I'm just a person."

Her fingers graze across his bare chest, caressing all the scars his battles have given him. The moment is delicate yet heavy with emotions.

And Mae decides that it's time to release the feelings that have consumed her heart since forever.

"I love you Levi." The words are tender, like a kiss on his nape.

He doesn't have to say it back.

He doesn't even have to turn his head and look at her.

Because love is the softness in his eyes when he looks at her. And the sweetness in his emotions when he comes home to her.

And Levi closes his eyes as he relishes the moment. It feels safe here in her arms, like no force in this world can harm him. And for once he doesn't hide the red that settles on his cheek.

"Thank you..." he speaks with a certain heaviness.And a sigh escapes his mouth, as he realizes that his weekend getaway is close to an end. Just a few hours from now he'll be outside the walls

Sometimes he fantasizes about what it would be like if he wasn't in the Survey Corps. Just him and her, living their life as a simple couple.

To divide all the household chores, and cook meals together. To go on dates on the weekend, and to bicker like a couple. Marry her, after a few years and maybe have little versions of him and her run around the house.

It's a far fetched dream, but Levi can't help but indulge in the thought for a couple of minutes.

The Survey Corps, the title of Humanity's Strongest, and the titans outside the walls. He wants to run away from it all. He's strong and no one would be able to track him down.

But the guilt in his mind would haunt him forever.

And it's indeed a curse that such exceptional strength and skill lands on his shoulders. And he wields the responsibilities as Humanity's Strongest soldier. He can't let all the people that look up to him down.

━━━━━━━━━━━━

The weather is dreary today. Heavy gray clouds loom over the sky, like a blanket. And occasional drops of rain fall to the ground. In a light drizzle.

Not many people line the streets, but there's still a small crowd. And they watch wide eyed, as the Survey Corps trot with their horses. Dawned in their olive capes.

Mae stands in the crowd as well, lost . Her height doesn't help much at all. And she tries balancing on her toes, tipping left and right, in the push of the crowd.

"ERWIN DANCHOU, WIN BACK WHAT HUMANITY HAS LOST." Loud cheers erupt.

"LEVI HEICHOU KILL ALL THE TITANS FOR US." The crowd raves, and Mae stands on the sidelines.

Moisture settles in the corner of her eyes as she looks at him longingly.

How can she ask him to not go when everyone is counting on him?

How can she ask him to stop, when he is leaving to serve all of humanity?

She thought this would get easier as the time passed by, but nope.

It's a feeling she still hasn't gotten used to.

Fleetingly, his eyes meet hers. He sees the way they glow, heavy with tears and the way her lips tremble. His gaze softens, almost caressing her with the way he's looking.

He flashes her a small smile, his gaze flickering to the gate and then back to her. To anyone, the action is hardly noticeable, but Mae gets his message loud and clear.

Let me go, will you? He says to her.

The tear caged in her eye falls freely. Her hand flies up and she bears a shaky smile as she waves at him.

The moment is short-lived but etched forever in his heart.

This chapter may feel like a filler chapter, but I just wanted to talk about how Levi and Mae's relationship is now that they are long distance. And how they are in a relationship as well (before I start getting to the actual AOT plot lol)

It's been a few months now, so Levi is more comfortable initiating physical touch.

I hope their character growth is noticeable, because it isn;t really obvious.

Mae says I love you but doesn't expect it back, and Levi doesn't say it back. That's something that would have crushed Chapter 18 Mae. But now Mae feels secure.

Its kind of rushed but Levi and Mae have grown, understanding each others imperfections better. Mae is more secure, she doesn't need Levi reminding her that he needs her again and again, because she sees his effort

And Levi too is trying to communicate his feelings even though they make him feel weak and vulnerable. (Him saying he's glad he's here). And he's trying to be sweeter when Mae needs sweetness (telling Mae that she's more than her looks and her career).

Let me know your views on the chapter!

As always constructive criticism is also welcomed!

To all the people who keep up with this fic despite all the irregular and late uploads, I am very very grateful to have you! <3

I will see you again with the next chapter! And HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Taglist: @keijikunn @evas-leslas @leviackermanmyhero245 (message me if you want to be added)

29 notes · View notes

tiredkitten · 1 year

Text

Just wanna ask if oldaccount1303 has a new Tumblr account? Been wanting to read his or her writing soooo bad. Please help me!!!

#leviackerman

#levifanfics

#leviackermanxreader

0 notes

gorillagripgamer · 2 years

Text

Paring: reader x submissive Levi

Genre: smut

Warnings: nsfw

aon// this is my first upload to tumblr, but my ao3 has been active for a while! u can find me under the same username. not sure how any of this works on here so pls let me know if I do anything wrong lol. happy reading!

It's late. The forgotten sand that sits idly at the bottom of her boots spools into the heel as she rocks back and forth on her feet. She does not know why her body is aching to duck out her tent and into his. She is a fly, she thinks- drawn to anything and everything, no matter how bad or disgusting. She does not like him and he does not like her. She is only craving the presence of another.

She brazenly pulls the flaps of his tents open and walks in unannounced. He does not react, simply stares, half lidded eyes following her movements as she sits at the end of his cot and sighs. Heat swims through the tent, hot and soupy, and she does not apologise when she pops the buttons of her jacket open and shrugs it off.

He is lying on his back, one arm tucked under his head, the other holding a cigarette. He apathetically takes a puff, and she is not facing him, but she feels his eyes on her. He is mocking the way she has given in and searched for him in the dead of the night. She has never done this before.

"I came for a cigarette." She breaks the silence, a lie.

"In my jacket." He nods to a neatly folded pile in the corner. "Top pocket. You can only have one."

"I only want one." She quips back, a defence to an accusation that had not been made.

She does not feel bad as the hostility behind her tone lingers in the air. It has always been like this. They fight, kill, rely on each other as partners like they have never relied on anyone else, and then hate each other in the calm. Chaos, as all consuming as it is, is the foundation for their relationship, and it does not exist in the absence of it. She trusts him with her life, yet they have never hugged, never shared a drink, never laughed. It's comical. There is nothing but indifference between them. He feels the same- he has told her many times.

Still, she is in his tent, and he is okay with it.

He breathes her name, something halfway between a sigh and a question, of which she does not have an answer for. Instead, she turns to him, unlit cigarette in hand. He is sitting up now, holding a lighter. He twists and places himself next to her, throws his legs off the edge of the cot. Their thighs touch, and he shuffles to the side, away from her.

"I don't know." She shakes her head. He nods.

"You trod sand into my tent." He points to the floor.

She eyes him, a deviant smirk forming, and begins to unzip her boots. He watches as it slides down, the glide of the plastic a teasing rattle into the pregnant silence.

The boots thump to the floor, spilling more sand out. She wiggles her toes, watching as it falls from her socks like dust. She does not know why he let her take them both off- she had been expecting him to stop her. She wanted him to stop her. She needs a confrontation, something to feel, to wake her up. The war was silencing their souls, all of them, an army of dead walking. Levi had been like that since he joined, she thinks.

"What are you doing?" He asks.

"Taking my boots off."

He stares. "You know that's not what I mean."

"...I don't know." She says again, honest.

"You can figure it out while you clean that up tomorrow." He points to floor. She almost chuckles.

"You aren't above me anymore. You can't give me orders."

"I can't?" A challenge.

"You can't." She holds his eyes.

The cigarette, long forgotten, is thrown to floor. He squishes it under his boot, a small puff of smoke swirling into the air. She holds out the one she took from his pocket, an offer, and he accepts.

Leaning forward, he lights the cigarette, cupping the end, eyes on her lips as she takes a puff. A small orange glow is momentarily cast upon the pale skin of his face. She thinks, a passing thought, that he is rather beautiful. The moment tumbles away when he gestures for her to pass it to him. She does.

They share the cigarette, a distraction, exchanged between them in the silence. She feels the slight dampness on the paper of the tip, made by him or her, it does not matter, she does not care. She is surprised that he doesn't. They are tired.

"Don't your friends have cigarettes?" He knows the answer.

"No." She lies pointlessly.

"I've seen them carrying them."

"Why did you ask, then. If you know." She glares at him, taking another puff.

"Because you're a shit fucking liar. It's funny to watch." He takes the cigarette back, tapping the ashes off the end idly.

"I don't see you laughing."

He scoffs. "I wouldn't."

It's almost finished, the smoke is turning black. She can feel the heat from the dying flame at the ends of her fingers, and she knows this will be the last puff. She takes it, deep into her chest, and holds it there as she throws it to the floor.

He watches, eyebrows pulling together with curiosity when the smoke is not released into the air. She twists, putting one of her legs onto the cot so she can face him, and leans forward, curling her fingers and gesturing for him to do the same.

There is hesitation, and she does not blame him; they have never touched each other outside of battle. But her chest is beginning to hurt, so she beckons him with more vigour. Finally, he leans, faces pulling closer, realisation flowing through his eyes. She breathes the smoke out, blowing it forward, and into his open mouth.

It is strangely intimate. She has done this with friends before, and lovers, but it has never felt so personal. She supposes it is because of the sharp juxtaposition it poses to the distance that is so usually firm between them.

Looking at his face, at the smooth roll of his lips as he wets them, she is overcome. She is lonely, and so is he, she figures. He had one friend, Erwin, and he died a couple years ago. She has barely seen him speak to anyone outside of necessity since.

He is still leaning forward, and so is she. The smoke is gone. The lingering smell of the ash blankets the air between them, but it is the silence that is suffocating her. She should be used to it. She follows his lead and wets her lips, too, a test for his reaction. Grey eyes track her tongue and linger on her lips long after she's finished. It is all she needs.

She is not sorry. Not for interrupting his night, for pouring sand on his floor, for using one of his cigarettes, or for taking his lips into hers.

It is impulsive, her mind is blank, she will not think about the consequences of his rejection, or of his acceptance. He does not reject her, though. He is still for a second, catching up to the situation, before he puckers his lips against hers and closes his eyes. A confirmation. She kisses him again, tilting her head to the side to soften the awkward press of their noses. He follows suit, tilts the other way. It is surprisingly slow, surprisingly tender. They are speaking with their mouths, words that will never pass between them, lost within their bodies.

He pulls away. She looks at his lips, swollen, kissed. His mouth hangs open, eyes wide, and she feels for a moment that she should leave, that she has made a mistake. But she does not want to. She places her hand on his thigh, and he stiffens. There is an exchange, a look between the two. It is not enough. She must speak.

"It doesn't mean anything." She tries. "We don't have to talk about this again."

"...Do you have something you want to tell me?"

She pauses. It is not what she expected. "Maybe." She shrugs. "Even if I do it's pointless."

She does not know quite what she means. The words are being pulled from her, passing through her, disconnected. They linger between them, and he breaths them in, unreadable. There is a gust of wind. It shakes the canvas tent around them and jolts her. She stands, flexing her fists, and, fearing she may leave, he mirrors.

"Cigarette." He blurts.

She furrows her eyebrows. "What?"

He shuffles awkwardly on his feet. "Let's have another. It's what you came for, right?"

She reads the intention behind his offer. She relaxes and nods, moving back over to his jacket and taking out two cigarettes.

"Not two." He says, sitting back on his cot.

"You don't want one?"

"No." He shakes his head.

"...Alright." She is doubtful.

The cot creaks underneath her weight as she sits back down. She sits purposely close, thighs pressing together, shared heat between the two, and this time he does not shuffle away.

Her stomach begins to knot; there is a change in the air, an acceptance, as they both come to terms with reality.

A glow. It fills the room, the cast of it large despite the tiny fire, and consumes them. He lights her cigarette again. She breaths it in.

They both stare at the ground, at the soft drift of the sand as the wind flows through the cracks of the tent. She plays with it, swirling it around with her big toe, taking puffs. It fills her lungs, too long, too deep, but it feels good, anything to distract her. She knows what he wants, but he will not make any moves. She knows him well enough.

"Are we-" She cannot finish her sentence.

A pregnant silence. The intentions of the sentence, incomplete, are obvious. He is breathing heavily, and she supposes he is conflicted. They both do not do this often, and never, ever did they think they would with each other.

He takes too long. The question dissipates, mixing with the ashen air. She poses another, simpler. She holds the cigarette out. He takes it, their fingers brush.

"I didn't know you smoked." He says.

"I don't often." She shrugs. "Only at night, when I can be bothered." When I need to escape, is the real answer.

He takes a long puff and finishes it. The end of it lights up before it is consumed by the ash. It falls to the ground, forgotten immediately as their eyes link once more. He is still holding the smoke in his lungs.

"Gonna share?" She is more open than she usually is. "It's not good to hold it in like that."

He nods, and leans forward. Their lips connect again, and he breathes the smoke into her mouth through it. She moves, one knee digging into the cot, the other leg on the floor, foot twisting in the pile of sand she left. She is crowding him, taking the lead, and he does not mind.

Still, she must ask. "Do you want to-"

"Shut the fuck up." He lies on his back.

Something stirs within her. Her fingers tingle. She listens, swipes her tongue along his bottom lip. He opens his mouth for her, and she licks in, exploring. She flicks her tongue, feeling around his mouth, the ridges of his molars, the soft skin of his cheeks- they are littered with scars from being chewed, she presumes. She did not know that about him. He tastes like ash and him and she chases it, pushes further, and he reciprocates, brushing his tongue against hers.

Her body panics. She cannot breath. She pulls back, and they both gasp. His bottom lip is pulled from his mouth, between her teeth, and she rolls it, swipes her tongue along it, wets it, and bites. She tastes blood- perhaps she went too far.

His hands tighten on her hips and she relaxes her grip, kisses him softly, focuses on where she had bitten to soothe the ache. The first sound passes between them, a small groan from Levi, a heavily suppressed rumble from deep within his chest. He coughs, as if trying to hide it, but it is already trapped within the hot confines of the tent, beating against their red ears.

Heat spreads across his face but she does not acknowledge it- the moment is tender, easy to ruin. When she kisses him again, she tastes blood, and she relents, letting him take the lead, licking into her mouth.

They grow more passionate. They kiss harder, the sounds of it fill the tent, wet, a clash of homeless emotions temporarily taking refuge within each other. He is hot underneath her as she straddles him. They breathe in heavily, the smoke, the hot salty air, each other. Hands roam, take advantage of the gift, for it will not happen again. It should not be happening.

It's getting hazy, they are drunk on one another, on the touches; they are deprived, it is almost overwhelming to embrace like this. His hands sneak up the small of her back, under her shirt, caressing the bare skin. A small sigh escapes her mouth, and he chases it, explores further, until he reaches the top and pauses. She is not wearing a bra.

There is a moments hesitation, as if to move onto the next step is to cross another boundary, but he does. He cups her breasts under her top, massages, rubs his thumbs over the nubs until they are hard. Her hands are still splayed across his chest, and she leans her head back, closes her eyes, feels it.

"Can I-"

"Yes." She answers without thinking.

She does not know what he was asking. She would say yes to anything he wants. It's answered when he tugs at the bottom of her top, pulls it up her chest, and she leans back, lifts her arms up, lets him take it off. He throws it to floor; she is shocked, he is not like that, but maybe he is distracted. It is not his shirt, after all, perhaps he does not care.

They kiss again, and he palms at her once more, nudging her higher so that he can kiss along her neck and down her sunburnt, aching collar bones. His lips wrap around her nipple and he pressed the flat of his tongue against her, licks, and then swirls his tongue around it. He takes it between his teeth and adds pressure, enough to make her squirm.

She takes a peak down at him and the sight makes her groan. "Shit, Levi. That's sexy."

He stills. She can't believe the words pouring from her mouth yet she makes no effort to stop them, too invested, too drunk on him. Her praise spurs him on, and he moves to her other nipple, repeating himself, more feverish.

They need more, wound up by the night, they are on fire. She fists her hands into his hair to pull him away from her chest and lie him back down. He looks shocked for a second, a red glow to his cheeks, but they kiss, and he forgets to hide himself.

It's a strange dynamic, as she sits atop him, tongue pushing into his mouth, hands trailing all over his body. He is relinquishing control. For now, he does not want it, wants to be taken, and she craves it, wants to have power over him, wants to make him feel, make them both feel. In that moment, they are two pieces of a puzzle that have been jammed together, yet they fit, though they shouldn't.

She rolls her hips, rubs herself against his growing erection. They groan, twinges of pleasure surging through them, and she does it again. His hands find her ass, they squeeze and knead the flesh there, helping guide her forward. His hips begin to rise in unison with the slow grind of hers. She feels the slick pooling in her pants, feels the hardness of him, this is happening, she thinks.

It's hot. Sweat forms, drips down the crevice between her breasts and rolls down his forehead, soaks into the pillow beneath him. Gentleness fades, which is good, they know that perhaps it should never have guided them in the first place. It is not like that- lovers are tender. They are not lovers.

She starts to pull his top up, another layer gone, and he arches his back to help her, lifts his arms over his head, pressing against the soft fabric of the tent behind him. He can feel the wind batter against it, he's almost embarrassed- if someone walks past they'll see, but he's too invested, so he lets her take her time. She drags the top over his head and to the edge of his arms, where she pauses, leaving them bound. She leans down to kiss at his neck, his chest, the bare skin that she has never seen. He could push the fabric off him, grab at her if he wanted, but he lets her have her way, let's her take him, leaves his hands restricted above him.

There's an impulse to tease him, to comment on the state she has him, for all they've been nasty to each other, but she cannot push the words out. They stick inside her throat and dissolve with the kisses she plants. She bites at his neck, draws blood yet again, a purple moon on his milky skin. He groans when she presses the flat of her tongue against it and soothes it over, clears it of the small dots of blood.

It was rude, to mark him like that without asking, but she does not care, and he doesn't, either. There is a certainty in her boldness that pushes him further into her, tells him to let go, to trust her for the time being. They have saved each other countless times, is this really any different?

She shuffles down his legs, sits up, starts to undo his belt, eyeing him with a question. He nods. She pulls at the loops of his belt and buttons, tugs both his shorts and boxers down. His cock springs free and slaps precum against his stomach. The lewd sound of it makes them both still for a moment, heat rising. She finishes undressing him, throws his clothes to floor, mixing with the sand and abandoned cigarette buds.

Her hands wrap behind his knees, push his legs up and apart. He feels like some whore, spread out for her like this, but his cock twitches at the action, and she knows what she is doing. A small smirk tugs at the corners of her swollen lips, the same deviant nature that pushed her to pour sand on his floor taking her once more. She kisses at the inside of his thighs, swipes her tongue on his salty skin, leaves a wet trail up to his groin. Little noises, sighs of pleasure and desperation fall from his lips.

She wraps her fingers around the base of his cock, unmoving, and he bucks into her hand. She slowly leans down, too slowly, it's pissing him off- he doesn't like to be teased. She sticks her tongue out and stares up at him, at his heaving chest, and licks at the head of him, pushes the tip of her tongue into the slit and collects the precum there. He groans, shoves his head back into the pillow and screws his eyes shut. His arms struggle against the top wrapped around them, and she is reminded that he is choosing to leave it there. She kitten licks at him, enough to make him squirm, but there is no pressure, she is feather like, and he needs more.

"Stop teasing." He grumbles.

Her lips form a seal around his cock and she pushes down, sucks on the way, jerks her hand where she cannot reach. She presses her tongue against the underside of his shaft as she pulls back, and does it again and again. "Fuck, that's good." He moans.

She pulls away with a lewd pop, trails of spit connecting her mouth and his dick, which is angry and red, begging for attention. With her hand, she starts to bring him off, uses the spit as slick, until he is writhing underneath her, cock throbbing. She stops.

"W-"

He cuts himself off with a moan as she circles her hand around the tip, rubs her thumb against the underside of it, a sensitive spot she figured out he had while sucking him off. It feels good, so good it boarders on painful, and he cannot take it anymore.

"Stop." He pants, overwhelmed. "Shit, stop."

She listens, pulls away, pushes his legs back down and straddles them. She sits up and holds his eyes as she starts to undo her belt. It is tantalising, teasing, but the strain of the night is beginning to weigh down on both of them, and she feels she's running out of time, so she tugs the rest of her clothes off and bares herself to him.

"Jesus." His eyes follow her body. "Just..." He hesitates. "...Take me."

She blushes. Lowering down, she lines him up with her entrance, and sinks. It's slow, the stretch is painful, they should have warmed up more, but it's too late now, and she almost enjoys it, craves the soreness. He hisses, grits his teeth and tries not hard to buck his hips up as she fully takes him. He almost leans up to kiss her but decides it's too much.

"Fuck, Levi." She whines. "Shit, I feel full. Who'd have thought, huh?"

It's a bad joke. Neither of them laugh. He opens his mouth, probably to point it out, but she cuts him off by squeezing against him. The words die in his throat, he groans and arches his back. She rolls forward, lifts her hips up, grinds against him on the way down. He responds, meeting her hips with his own, a dance of hedonism.

They catch eyes, and it occurs to them that they really are doing this with the other; it's done, they cannot escape it. They don't want to. They stare and stare, fight the urge to close their eyes with surges of pleasure as they fuck each other. It's loud, the slaps of skin lewd, but they do not care, no one can hear, his tent is on the edge, she thinks. It almost turns into a competition, a struggle of wills, look away first, she wants to beg. His eyes hold too much, the mirage of apathy has fallen, she should not be seeing this.

Still, she groans, fucks herself harder against him. He can't take it, he squeezes his eyes shut, pushes himself further into the cot. His hands fist into the fabric of the tent behind him, still bound by the top, and he is barely able to breathe a warning before he cums.

It's hot inside her. She feels it pool and continues to roll her hips against him until he stills, milked dry. She gives him a moment. If he was her lover, she would lean down, kiss his lips softly. He is not, right?

But she has loved him. She has been his lover; she has fucked him. She kisses him, not deeply, he is too out of breath. He puckers his lips against her, kisses her back, and his hips twitch again.

"You better get off before I get hard again." He warns, and she chuckles, small. He tenses, he has never heard her laugh before.

He looks different, in a way she is not sure she likes. It is more vulnerable than she is comfortable with- than either of them are. His lips are swollen, hers are the same, but he has a glow, a youth that was absent before. He looks so beautiful, his face, his skin, his lips, she wants it, and she moves on instinct, lifts her hips off him till she straddles his shoulders, her cunt hovering above him.

He looks, his eyes widen and he licks his lips, flushed red with, what? Embarrassment, maybe? She thinks it might be too much; she should have asked, but he quickly throws the top that was binding his arms together to the floor. His eyes stay on her, and she peers down, taken by him, by the question lingering there, the desire. He does not say whether he wants this, only slides his hands up her legs in answer. They glide over her hips and cup her ass. He begins to guide her down, cranes his head up in unison, and she bites her lip in anticipation. Her eyes are already closed, her body telling her to feel it, for it will not happen again.

When his tongue licks a slow path up her slick, she gasps, hands flying to her mouth to cover it because she does not know what else to do with them. He licks through her folds, but ignores her clit- he knows what he's doing, she'll let him savour it.

His tongue push's up inside her, moves against her walls, eating his cum out of her. The thought makes her groan, and she grinds lower, trying to find friction against her clit that is not granted. He licks slowly, tastes it- him, her, both of them, mixed together inside her. She blushes, she doesn't recall ever doing this before.

He must get the hint, must feel the throbbing of her pussy just inches above his face, because he pulls her down with more certainty, forces his face against her. His nose nudges through her slit; he buries himself, begins to lap at her, and she feels desired in a way she has never before. He swirls his tongue on her clit, flicks it against her, and she moans, the coil inside her forming. He wraps his lip around it and suckles. She fists his hair and peaks down at him, catches his eyes rolling into the back on his head, before he closes them and groans against her. The vibrations shake through her- she is approaching the edge. She looses herself, starts to rock against his face. He likes it and grips her ass harder, pulls her against him, continues to lap at her clit. Fists tighten in his hair; she pulls it, pushes it, it does not matter. He groans against her again.

"Fuck, keep going." She praises him so he doesn't loose pace. "I'm gonna-"

She is cut off with a moan when he suckles her clit once more. She is done for- she finishes, the coil that has been steadily winding tight inside her snaps. Her abdomen pulls tight, overcome with ecstasy. She does not let on her grip in his hair, and he guides her through her release, tentatively, so it is not painful.

It lasts longer than usual, courses through every part of her, a burst of pent up emotions that shake through her body relentlessly. He licks up her glistening release and she slumps, moves down his body so she can lie against his chest.

They both pant, and she is struck with the thought that no one will feel like that beneath her again.

"That was so good...you asshole."

He breathes a laugh against her, wraps his arms around her back, holds her against him. They lie in the silence, listen to the flapping of the wind against the tent, their heavy breathes swirling against the wall of blood throbbing in her ears. She shifts, sits up, looks at him. She does not know where they stand, or if she should leave- she wants to, she thinks, they've already crossed enough boundaries.

"Alright, alright." He says, as if she had been begging. "You can stay. But don't think this meant anything. I'm not running off into the sunset with you."

She blinks. Then, relaxes. She crawls off him, walks to the other side of the tent and rummages through his jacket. He sits up on his elbows, eyebrows furrowed, hair sticking up on end. She turns, a small smile pulling at her lips.

"Cigarette?"

——-

aon// there we go! If you’re here, thank u, and if you like my work please check out my long fic “when this is over” on ao3! love u

#anime #writers on tumblr #reader insert #romance #levi aot #levi ackerman #captain levi #levi fic #levi fanfiction #levifanfic #sub levi

82 notes · View notes

levis-coffeecup · 5 months

Text

chapter 21| Carnival of Life

WC-5.1k

Summary

The underground is filthy and dark. Dim lights, dull alleys, and desperate hearts. A place Levi knows as well as the back of his hand, and a place he would do anything to get out of.

But life on the surface seems tougher amidst all the mockery, civilities, and the gaping hole left in his heart, after the demise of his dear friends Isabel and Farlan.

Content/Warnings

canon- compliant, canon-typical violence, spoilers for No Regrets OVA, descriptions of PTSD, grief, depression, heavy angst and themes, strong language, self-hate, physical assault.

Author’s Note

Hi guysss!!!

I'm sorry it's been soo long. But the next chapter is finally out!!

Song for this chapter is Seneca by Novo Amor.

Chapters

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22

Masterlist | Playlist | Other Works

MAY 847

15 minutes are left before the clock strikes 4. The weather is pleasant. And people have started to fill the place. Ready to experience the renowned Trost fair.

Mae prances around as well, with enthusiasm in her every step. Her flowy-cotton sundress dances with the breeze. Her lips painted a rosy pink

Timidly Levi walks behind her, unable to think of anything other than her lips. And the color it would leave off on his, when they press against each other for a kiss.

Her hair bounces, with her every step. It has gotten so much thicker now. And her skin glows. Healthy and radiant even though a few zits are littered here and there.

Hange told him to compliment her. Apparently it's what men should do when their partner makes an effort to get dressed for an outing. And he racks his brain religiously, thinking of something that doesn’t make him sound like a dumbstruck idiot.

“Levi!,” Mae whines, as she turns to face him. “What are you doing there, walking so slow? Nothing will happen with the pace you’re on.”

“M-Mae..” He staggers forth, and she stops in her tracks, sensing his discomfort.

“Yes Levi, is something bothering you?” Her tone turns much softer.

“Y-your s-skin, it looks v-very good t-today.” If he had the courage, he would also tuck away the stray hair that falls in front of her face.

And Mae narrows her eyes as she looks at him, a little dazed. Currently she is sporting the biggest pimple on her nose.

“You know… no leakage or anything… It's intact… holds the organs in tight,” Levi continues, shying away at the way her eyes sparkle in the sun.

His gaze falls to the floor. And she pats him on the chest, with a smug smile on her face. “You’re cute,” she grins… as she boops his nose.

The gnawing winter tendrils have melted from the atmosphere. Summer has blossomed. And with time, Mae and Levi’s relationship has grown too.

Conversation has become easier. Efforts have become clearer. And understanding comes a little more naturally than before.

And now Levi is leaving in 2 weeks. The Survey Corps has to relocate. The thought itself saddens Mae. Just when things were getting better between them, the universe had to push them apart.

The chaos of the crowd ahead acts as a good distraction.

It feels like the entire city is here. People stand at every nook and corner. Paper lanterns are hung down from street lamps, and pillar tops. The tantalizing smell of sweets and the distant sound of music fills the air.

And protectively, Levi takes a hold of her hand, “Stick close, wouldn’t want you getting lost.”

The streets of Trost have become somewhat familiar. Levi has been coming here almost every week. Mainly because he’s dead set on finding Mae a house in Trost.

He’s made her quit her job at the tavern. And he’s also helping her financially to cover up for the money she would make at the tavern.

And Mae seems so much happier.

Time paces by incredibly fast in the mob. Mae prances around enthusiastically. Dragging Levi around…. Now they stand in the long line that starts at the food stalls.

It's crowded, people talk a lot, and they smell of sweat. Levi hates it, he’s only here because Mae has been very excited about this fair. She would come here every year, with her family when she was a kid.

“Levi! It's been an hour, and you haven’t had anything.” She speaks with a mouthful of cotton candy in her mouth.

“Because I don’t like sweets and you’ve been revolving around the same 3 sweet shops for the past hour,” he jabs.

“But Levi!...,” she pouts. “I want you to have fun as well. Tell me what you want to do, and we’ll do that.”

And Levi looks at her with the same blank face, that does no favors in showing what he’s thinking. I’m happy as long as you’re having a good time.

“Levi, say something!” She whines.

“I just want to sit in a quiet place, where people aren’t pushing me around and going crazy over stupid cotton candy.”

“You want to sit… Sit in a fair?” she chuckles. It takes her a moment to realize that Levi isn’t joking. And swiftly she grabs his hand, and pulls him along. Moving away from the long lines at the food stalls.

“I’ve got you covered.” she smirks. She takes him deeper into the fair. Inward and inward until she finds a quiet alley, with just a few stalls around.

And Mae’s eyes widen as they land on a middle-aged man who sits on a wooden stool. “He’s still here…,” she gasps in disbelief. And she takes a seat on the bench placed a few meters ahead of him.

2 hours later, they are still sitting on the bench, with Mae flashing a teeth-baring smile and Levi sporting his grumpy frown.

The young man in front of them has paint splattered over his hands now. And he scrunches his brows as he focuses on the canvas in front of him. “It’s almost done ma’am.”

Levi lets out an exhausted sigh at that.

It's boring, just sitting her still like a fucking statue or something.

But the other day Mae was talking about how she’s forgetting the faces of her parents.

It's something that he has experienced quite often as well. The feeling of forgetting the people that were once the closest to your heart. To completely lose touch, even in thought as their memory becomes distant and blurry

If he could, he would like to have a picture of all his lost loved ones as well. His mother, Kenny, Isabel and Farlan.

By the time the painting is finished, the sun is close to setting. Leaving the sky in shades of lavender and pink.

But Mae’s energy remains unwavering. Levi finds it a little hard to believe that this is the same lady that gets exhausted after 15 mins of cleaning.

“You want to play some games?”. She chirps, with her eyes wide.

“Tch yeah, drag me wherever…”

A couple of minutes later, Mae stands in an aiming stance. With some distance between her feet, her hips squared and one eye squinted as she focuses on the strawberry pasty ahead.

And Levi sighs, as she's back to food once again.

The game is simple, a table full of prizes is kept a few meters away . From sweets to soft toys and embroidered napkins as well. And the player has to aim a bunch of rings towards what they want.

“I haven’t had a strawberry pastry in so long Levi… and that… that looks so good. I’ll be the happiest if I get to have it.” She tosses the ring in her hand, towards the dish.

It misses, quite terribly. But Mae doesn’t let that diminish her confidence. “Just wait and watch me get it Levi… Nothing separates me from my pastry… ever.”

She aims, she throws, and she terribly misses.

The next 2 go far past the stall table. The third falls far to the right. One manages to bounce of one another prize

All of a sudden the game seems like nothing but an evil scheme to make people feel defeated. She aims again, this time it falls a meter away.

And Levi turns away to look elsewhere.

His shoulders quake and he presses his lips hard. Trying his hardest to contain the laughter that he’s about to burst into. She is hopelessly shitty when it comes to aiming.

“You only have 2 chances left ma'am,” the conductor pipes in.

“2?” She mutters in a saddened voice, and Levi’s ears perk up at that.

She throws away another ring, hopelessly. This one doesn’t even reach the table. And she raises her other hand up as well, wanting to throw away the last ring in sheer frustration. But Levi’s voice stops her.

“Mae, wait,” he calls out…

He walks forward and positions himself behind her. Slowly, he raises his arms up, and places his hands on hers. Moving them around and guiding her body into a better stance.

Her back presses into his chest. And she can feel his breath on the curve of her neck. “Just pretend like you’re holding on to it, and let me take the aim,” he whispers into her ears.

She nods, a little too flustered. He’s so close to her, she’s sure he can hear the rampant beat of her heart.

He guides her arm, his fingers grip the ring, right alongside hers. And then he tosses it away. And she just follows his hand, making it look like the both of them are aiming at the ring.

The ring rattles as it falls right on the designated place, with the strawberry pastry in its exact center.

A victorious grin spreads across her face. And Levi watches as a lovesick man as she picks up the strawberry pastry and brings it to him.

They start walking towards the other end of the fair. The commotion still lingers in the distance. but the number of stalls starts to visibly lessen.

A chilly wind blows, and Levi and Mae find a bench, a little away from everything.

The dusky sky has turned dark. And there’s a couple kissing in the distance, too lost in each other to give a damn about the world.

And Mae has finally accepted that her relationship with Levi might never be like every other one.

He’s lost more than he has loved. And in a few days he’ll be living far away from her too.

“Time is ticking by so fast isn’t it?” Her voice turns somber. She shifts a little closer to him, fighting back the tears in her eyes.

And Levi’s gaze falls down. He has nothing to say. Nothing to make the situation better. He’s scared that he’ll touch her and she’ll shatter at the strength his hand holds. That someday she will disappear and all his fears would come alive.

And his hand tremors, as he pats her head. Every moment he spends with her, fills him up with thoughts of losing her.

“I’m sorry.” the words come out of his mouth, barely audible. “I’m sorry…” he says again. “Only if I hadn’t fucked up, and made you quit your job at the Survey Corps.”

And Mae pauses for a minute, before she looks back at him

“It was hard Levi…but I think it was good. I had this version of you in my mind, that I admired and then shit happened and I didn’t know you anymore… I realize that I still don’t know you yet, but I think that's great, because I’m always learning about you. About your flaws, about what you think and how you feel. So at least I’m not loving what I think of you.”

Love… He doesn’t understand such heavy words… Nor does he know if he’s worth all the effort she puts into him? Slowly his hand reaches to hers, he gives it a gentle squeeze. The roughness of his fingertips, is contrary to the softness of her skin.

There is an unsaid apology in his actions.

So many things hold him back. Life hasn’t been kind to him. He wonders if the burden on his back will be lighter if he lets go of it?

Mae squeezes his hand back in response. A soft smile resting on her face as she adores him with her eyes.

She knows about his past now. And so she understands why the walls around his heart stand so strong. Hammered again and again and strengthened by every loss.

People give the love that they never received. For Levi, it was safety and security. It was coming to Trost multiple times, and finding her a safe house, before the Survey Corps leaves. It was supporting her financially even though he himself doesn’t make a ton of money.

He’s always kept her safety above everything. It was her who took it for granted, because unlike him, it was never something she had to fight for.

“You’re perfect to me.” Her words are like a balm on all his wounds. Lies but still soothing. Because Levi is by no means perfect.

He is a person who has killed and tortured countless people. Heck, he was close to using violence on her as well.

But to Mae, Levi is a person who had all the chances to become the worst person in the world, and yet he chose to be someone good.

She places her head on his chest. Hearing the stable beat of his heart;.

And for a doctor, who has heard millions of heartbeats, his is different. Even though it sounds the same. Because his heart is one that is unaffected by the bitterness of this world and the cruelty it has witnessed. It's a heart that can still care; a heart that can still love..

And Mae decides that she’ll love him no matter what.

The feeling of his fingers in her hair is familiar. Just like the smell of his freshly laundered clothes. And perhaps, there is finds hope in these fragile beginnings of love

━━━━━━━━━━━━

JUN 847

The Survey Corps headquarters doesn’t look as intimidating today. The walls look bleak, torches don’t light up the hallway anymore. And the chatter of the cadets is almost inaudible.

A few senior officers pass by in a hurry. Their hands filled with suitcases. And Mae watches from the side, as the life in the headquarters slowly dims away.

She extends her hand out, letting her fingers rover over the textured brick walls as she walks through the hallways.

It's a bittersweet feeling.

She remembers the days when she would work here. With Levi acting rude and cold, and Mr. Mendes was pestering her about marriage.

She was dying to leave this place back then, and now she stands here, not knowing when she’ll see this place again.

Time sure flies by quick, and a wistful smile tugs on her face.

Soon she reaches her location. The familiar door is slightly open as usual. She knocks and then pushes it open.

“Hange!,” she calls out. Their messy room almost looks clean today.

“Mae!,” they greet, adjusting their spectacles into place. They’re on the floor, with two huge suitcases that don’t seem like they are going to close.

“Having a hard time packing,” Mae chuckles.

“Yup I've got so much stuff… Mainly books, but other stuff too.”

“Welp, sadly I got some more stuff for you,” Mae keeps the carry bag in her hand on Hange’s bed. “It’s a gift.”

“The other one’s for Levi?” Hange questions, as she looks at the other bag hanging from her shoulder. “He’s staying at yours tonight, right? Oh! I completely forgot to congratulate you on your new house!” Their thoughts run too fast and they blabber. “Are you settled in yet?”

“Almost” Mae chuckles at the onslaught of questions. “Levi has been helping me move in, and we've bought basic furniture... He chipped in and helped me buy the place too. He didn’t want me staying in Jinae, when he wasn’t there.”

“So Levi will join us in two days… directly at the new headquarters?”

“Yes, Erwin permitted him to do so.”

“I’m glad!” Hange beams. “Everything is working out so well for you now! You’re living in a safer area, you have your own house and you also don’t have to work two jobs.”

“It is…” Mae replies. But there’s a sadness in her smile, and the tears forming in her eyes tell Hange otherwise.

“But you’re not happy are you?’ Hange gets up from the floor, and walks closer to Mae.

“It’s hard… You guys are moving away. I’ll miss you. I feel so defeated… I feel like whenever I take one step forward, life pushes me two steps back.”

They envelop her in a tight hug, rubbing her back to make her feel better. “Don’t worry Mae, when I start experimenting on Titans, you’ll be the first one to hear about it!”

“Hange,” Mae whimpers. “ Please take good care of him. He seems all mechanical and emotionless, but he is a really sensitive baby… And a lot of things affect him but he’s so used to putting on a tough front that he doesn’t realize any of it.….. I know he hasn’t opened up to you fully yet, but he will. And I have told him to come speak to you, when he wants to get things off his chest. Please protect his heart in my stead.”

And they wipe off the tears rolling down her cheeks. Flashing the warmest smile as they say, “I will protect your little guy with everything I have… alright?”

A shaky smile forms on her face, and she hugs them again. “Thank you.”

“Now go… kiss him goodbye.” They pat her back as they walk her to the door. “You have one night with him… do much more actually.” They wink.

“M-much more?,” Mae stammers. Her face heats up, turning beet red. “What noo! W-we haven’t kissed y-yet!”

And a hearty chuckle escapes Hange’s lips. “Gosh! You guys are slow, sometimes I wonder where this relationship would have been without me.”

━━━━━━━━━━━━

Levi sits next to the window, sipping the last remnants of the tea in his cup.

The bustle of Trost plays in the background like white noise. And his eyes scan through Mae’s new house.

It’s a 2-storey cottage. The walls are old, made of the same bricks that he sees in every other aged building. The rooms are tiny too, or cozy as Mae likes to call them. The doors creak once in a while. And the ceilings are so damn high, she’ll probably have to get on his shoulder to clean all the cobwebs.

They were out of time, and they didn’t have the money to buy her a better place. And in no way, was Levi going to let Mae stay in that metal shed, once he left.

The tea in his cup, nears its end. And his eyes land on the sketch Mae got of him and her at the carnival. It's framed, placed on the dining table. And he pauses, as the heavy feeling he was trying to forget fills up his heart once again.

The clock ticks, making every passing second audible. “Mae I’m leaving.” His voice booms through the walls.

“Coming,” Mae’s voice echoes from the floor above. And soon she’s rushing down the stairs, with a tote bag in her hand.

One look at him, and she freezes. The fact that he’s leaving hits her with full force. And she wonders what she’ll do here, in the house she thought she’d share with him? Without him.

Levi stiffens too. He pushes his chair back, and stands up.

He can tell she’s been crying. Dreading this moment, that now stands so close.

His hands get clammy. And her lips quiver as she walks closer to him.

They stand a foot apart now. And Mae takes a stabilizing breath, because Levi stands so close yet the idea of him seems so farfetched.

Her hand lands on his cheek, relishing the smoothness of his skin. She doesn’t know when she’ll see him next. Or whether she’ll see him all fine, or tarnished with bruises, doused in his own blood.

The thought breaks her will. Her neck falls down, heavy with the pain of separation. And the top of her head rests flat against his chest. Slowly her shoulders start to shake, trying to contain the sobs that are close to spilling.

She doesn’t want Levi to see her break down like this. Not when, it's the last time he’s seeing her for a month at least.

But Levi not only sees, he also feels what he’s feeling. All her pain hits him right in the heart.

It's going to be hard, not being able to see the person you see everyday. It's going to be hard to wait for letters when you are so used to hearing their chatter. And it's going to hit even harder when something joyful or depressing happens and there is no one to share your emotions with.

With all the gentleness, he lifts her head, cupping her cheek with tenderness.

“You know I’m going to visit you whenever it's possible, right?”

And Mae knows that’s not going to be frequent because Levi hardly finds time for himself. But somehow she still finds the strength to be optimistic.

“And you’ll write to me.” She places her hands over his chest.

“Yes, I will write to you, every week, no excuses,' He smirks fondly, recalling all the demands she made a few days prior. His lips press to her forehead, a kiss bestowed on it.

She brings the tote bag up to her chest. And her hands dig in, bringing a few glass bottles out.

“These are some spices and seasonings here, the food they serve at headquarters is very bland, and I don’t know how you have it. And food isn’t just for getting nutrients, but also for enjoying how it tastes.”

“Chamomile tea, Levi I know you don’t like it much, but it is fucking expensive and you sleep better with it, so you better have it.”

“Scented Candles, Lavender essential oil, you know what it's for…” Her sermon stops as she sees the last item in the bag. Slowly she brings it out, not too proud of it,

It’s a teddy bear. Tan in color and messily stitched.

But what catches Levi’s eye is the big baby pink heart on its chest. Matching the color of the small circles on its cheek. Its smile is wide, and its arms are broad and open.

“Umm,” Mae fumbles, a little conscious. “I also made you a teddy bear… thought you could hold it close, when you’re missing me.”

There’s a heaviness in the moment, but her love makes everything surprisingly sweet. And Levi finds the courage to pull her close. One arm around her waist, and the other holding her head close to his chest.

And in the safe enclosure of his arms, Mae breaks a little further.

“Do you e-ever regret it……. Being with me instead of Ivan?” Levi asks as he dotingly pets her head.

And Mae looks up at him, nodding her head in an instant.

“You are worth it.” she muffles against his chest

And Levi doesn’t know what she sees in him, or what he even has to offer. Nevertheless, he’s glad she’s blind when it comes to him. It makes his life so much better.

His thumb he wipes off the tear that slips down her cheek,

“I hope you don’t keep things within yourself, like you always do… Let me know when things are becoming too much for you..” Because as much as it would hurt to let her go, he would rather see her happier.

“Levi!,” She hits his chest.. “Don't say things like that. Instead, tell me that you’ll come meet me often.. I’ll wait for you… here. In our new house.”

His hand lands atop of her head, wanting to feel more of her than just her palm on his cheek. Fingers mingling around strands of her hair, as he ruffles them with fondness. There is a faint smile playing on his lips, hardly perceptible, but she knows it there when she sees his eyes, bright and sparkling.

I’ll wait for you too, always.

“You promise me you’ll take good care of yourself, and follow the routine I have set for you to sleep… And if something is bothering you, you go to Hange. I know you think of her as some loud freak who can’t keep a thing in her mouth, but she’s good with secrets. And she’ll never judge you okay.”

“Just like she kept our relationship a secret.” He retorts… as if he hasn’t vented to Hange about the relationship too.

Her face pales and she whines. “You’re going off topic.”

It gets silent for a second before Mae goes off again. “And remember to take breaks, and enjoy some times. Before Humanity’s Strongest, you’re a human who deserves to enjoy life too.”

And Levi caresses her head again, a small smile playing on his lips. “I promise, anymore demands you have to make?”

A slight pink tinges her cheeks. “Yes.” Mae bites her lip, and her gaze flicks to the floor, almost hesitant. ”I brushed my teeth thrice today.”

“Good,” he says a little cluelessly. “Do that every day.”

She huffs, looking straight into his eyes. Her brows are furrowed and all signs of her shyness are somehow gone. “I want to kiss you.”

Now it’s Levi’s turn to blush. “Y-you do…. I mean o-of course you-u…d-do” his voice trails off. All of a sudden he is unable to form a coherent sentence. It feels like all his brain functions have stopped and all he can do is nod his head timidly.

Mae steps closer to him and wraps her arms around his neck. She gets up on her tippy toes, as she tries to reach his lips. His heart accelerates as the distance between them lessens. The tips of their nose almost touch and he can feel her soft breaths tickling his skin.

All of a sudden he is hyper aware of everything happening in his body. From the budding heat in his cheeks, to the weakness he feels in his knees. He often wonders about what it is like to kiss, but now that it is actually happening, he can’t help but be flooded by insecurity.

His body turns static. And doubt fills Mae’s mind when she sees how rigid he is. Like the flame of a candle, against a breeze, her resolve is flickering, struggling to keep calm.

His eyes are boring into hers, wide and apprehensive.Her heart skips a beat, and she closes her eyes to run off from his intimidating ones. She leans closer and closer, until she feels something against her lips. But it's not lips…..it's skin?

Her eyes flash open and she finds her lips pecking the area under his nose

First hand, second-hand, every kind of embarrassment crams into her head. Mother of fucking god, what a disaster! She steps back, looking at Levi, to gauge his emotions,

His lips are wobbling, and he is horribly failing to contain the chuckle that is about to leave his mouth.

“You….you ,” laughter ripples past his lips, “have su-such a terrible a-aim.”

Her arms cross over her chest, eyes narrowing as she looks at him with a pout on her face. In an instant her hand flies towards his cravat, balling its fabric and pulling him down to her level.

In a millisecond, her lips are onto his.

And he freezes, his hands sticking to his side and profusely sweating.

Her lips are soft, almost cushion-like against his. Slightly they part encasing his lower lip. The slant of her nose is pressed right next to his. And the scent of her lavender lotion is all around him, aggravating the flapping butterflies that tumble in his stomach.

And Levi is sure that the only thing that is holding him still, is the warmth of her body, pressed against his. Anchoring him yet throwing him off the edge.

With her other hand, she strokes his jaw. Her fingers are as warm and as sweaty as his. And with a single touch, his doubts evaporate into thin air.

She can feel the fluttering of his lashes, until he finally shuts them close, and releases the breath he has been holding in since forever. His arms wrap around her waist and his lips start mingling with hers, moving subtly yet cluelessly.

Warmth blossoms in her chest, as she finally feels him responding , albeit awkwardly. She can’t help but smile.

He is trying, and he’s trying for her.

And soon he forgets about his clammy hands and the adrenaline rushing through his veins. Instead, he kisses her deeper, holds her tighter, so close that he can feel her heart thumping against his.

Their heartbeats harmonize. And for a fleeting moment, Levi forgets that he is going miles away from her. For a fleeting moment, everything feels right, and he realizes that he wants to stay here forever. In her arms, losing himself in her touches.

Slowly they part, foreheads pressed as they take a moment to catch their breath. Mae’s hand is still latched on to his cravat as her eyes flutter open.

Everything from the tip of Levi’s ears to the curve of his cheek is beet red. His eyes are still shut close, and his neck is slightly craned down, still in the same position in which they kissed.

Her lips twitch upwards at his cuteness.

“A terrible aim, huh?” A smug grin flashes across her lips.

And Levi’s eyes shoot open.

She is beaming with joy, his gaze falls upon the crinkle by her eyes, which forms only when she smiles that wide.

Her hands reach out to his rumpled cravat, as she fixes it for one last time. Every touch, however innocent it may be, stirs something deep in his heart. It awakens the desire to forget all about the titans and just settle down with her.

Picking up the bag with all his gifts, he walks towards the door. A minute longer and he might actually end up staying here forever .

“Bye Levi, take care.” Her words are sweet, but they leave a bitter taste in her mouth.

And all he can muster is a slight nod of his head, as he steps out of the door. All calm and aloof, except the tint of red on his face.

Right when he is about to turn and leave the alley, he twists back, and sees her figure. Now distant but still standing at the doorway.

His mind pushes back to how he has lost someone at every stage of his life. She’s living in Trost now, much closer to the titans. All it's going to take is one kick through the gate, and all his fears will come true.

The thought itself rattles something restless in his bones. He’s not here to protect her and he can only hope that she stays alive for him.

He waves at her. Until next time. Don’t die…..please.

More angst haha!

I feel like such an evil person sometime lol, but this is an AOT fanfic, so I wouldn't want to keep it all cherries and roses.

I lowkey feel like my writing style has completely changed. I'm writing shorter sentences now and keeping the wording simple too. I think it's easier to read through now, but let me know what you think about it...

Let me know what you guys thought about the chapter! As always constructive criticism is always welcomed!

Until next time! (which is hopefully soon🤞🤞🤞)

Taglist: @keijikunn @evas-leslas @leviackermanmyhero245 (message me if you want to be added)

8 notes · View notes

levis-coffeecup · 8 months

Text

chapter 20| Through the Storm

WC-4.9k

Summary

The underground is filthy and dark. Dim lights, dull alleys, and desperate hearts. A place Levi knows as well as the back of his hand, and a place he would do anything to get out of.

But life on the surface seems tougher amidst all the mockery, civilities, and the gaping hole left in his heart, after the demise of his dear friends Isabel and Farlan.

Content/Warnings

canon- compliant, canon-typical violence, spoilers for No Regrets OVA, descriptions of PTSD, grief, depression, heavy angst and themes, strong language, self-hate, physical assault.

Author’s Note

Hi guys!

It's been long. And I am incredibly sorry for promising to publish chapter by Sunday, yet doing that today. I feel incredibly guilty, like I've been taking everyone who reads this story for granted.

I've genuinely been quite busy. I have my college, my part time job and I also have to cook and clean for myself. And in all honesty, I've also lost my interest in completing this fic. So i have to push myself, rather than actually looking forward to writing it. But I'm not giving up on it yet, I've promised a few people that I will get it finished, and so I will.

@musumusuhasi a huge reason for one of the scenes in the chapter is because you told me Mae was always very cutesy, and never strong. I hope I've made that better, and if not please do let me know! (And if you don't read the fic anymore, then that's understandable too:)

Also since I've posted after a long time and if you've forgotten what happened in the previous chapter; here's a recap. Mae and Levi attend Ivan's wedding. Mr. Mendes is still mad at Mae and yells at her about Levi being a bad decision (ends up revealing that Levi is an underground thug.) Mae feels defeated because Levi didn't tell her this and starts losing faith in their relationship. She talks to Ivan, and Ivan comforts her, and lets her know that Levi still loves her, and their love for each other is pure.

Song for this chapter is I can't help falling in love with you.

Chapters

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22

Masterlist | Playlist | Other Works

JAN 847

The wind growls, as it blows harshly. The morning sunlight barely reaches the ground.

In the stroke of a night, the rain has turned into snow. The first snow of Mitras, but it seems more like a storm. And Mae is not prepared at all.

Her fingertips have gone numb, and the ache in her head seems never ending. Her dress is wet from all the snowfall. And she shudders as she walks through the snow covered ground.

It feels like death is close. Her entire body shivers, almost violently. But a certain fire inside her keeps her going, despite the odds.

The world seems abandoned, people stay cooped in the warmth of their houses. And pellets of snow hit her head, as she walks ahead. It’s been hours since she’s been on the road. And she swears she wants to cry tears of joy when she finally spots the two-storey building with the Military Police symbol painted on it.

Her pace fastens, and with the last of her energy she pushes past the gate.

And everyone at the police station looks up, as they see a young lady on their door. Drenched from head to toe, turning blue from all the cold.

“I-I h-have a missing c-complaint to file,” Mae speaks in between shudders, leaning against the doorframe, tired enough to collapse at the moment.

And the officer in front gets up. He decides he doesn’t think too highly of her. For one it's way too risky walking out in the snow so underdressed. She could have died in some corner, and no one would have even noticed.

Nevertheless, he takes one of the coats hung on the wall and offers it to her. “Here, you’ll die in the cold if you dress up this way, miss.”

And Mae still shivers from the cold, But her eyes are resolute.

“Sir Ellias, “ she reads the badge attached to his shirt. “I have a missing complaint to file.”

And Ellias gawks back at her, sizing her up.

He doesn’t understand what brings her here. Wearing no gloves and a light jacket in a fucking snowstorm.

And so he wraps the coat around her trembling shoulders, and leads her towards his desk.

“Levi… his name is Levi.” Her voice comes out raw and vulnerable.

Levi has disappeared. She has checked everywhere. He wasn’t in their hotel room. He wasn’t anywhere near the wedding location. And he wasn’t even around all the popular tea shops in Mitras.

His wallet lays on their hotel bed, long forgotten. And the suitcase, packed with half his clothes, remains untouched too.

It's been 8 hours since Mae’s talk with Ivan, and there is still no sight of Levi. She has waited for him the entire night, and now the snow on the ground is at least a foot high.

It's too late… She worries something must have happened to him.

A young lady places a tray of warm tea on the table. Its smell wafts through the air, and Mae’s eyes well up. The drink warms both her throat and her heart.

She just hopes Levi is alright wherever he is.

“The name is Levi you said?” Elias reconfirms as he puts it down on paper.

“Mhm,” she nods vigorously. “He is quite short but his build is strong. His skin is pale and his eyebags are really big and prominent. His hair is black and he works in the Survey Corps… He also has-”

Elias stops writing. Face morphing into one of confusion. ”Wait…” he cuts her off. “Are you talking about Humanity’s Strongest? Captain Levi? Or is this someone e-”

“Yes.” Mae answers, exasperated. “It's him, he’s gone missing.”

Hope glimmers in her eyes.

People know Levi, and she’s one step closer to finding him.

But disbelief settles in Elias’s.

Slowly it shifts to mirth. A beat of silence passes by, and then a soft chuckle escapes his lips.

“What the hell, why are you laughing?” Mae scoffs, eyebrows scrunching in disapproval. ”This is a serious matter.”

Her words only makes him laugh louder. It adds to Mae’s temper.

“EXCUSE ME.” She bangs her fist on the table and gets up. And even though exhaustion is heavy in her voice, her eyes burn bright red.

“Have you ever seen that guy? Is this some sort of a prank?.” He speaks in between laughs. “Even death would be scared of him.”

“So you are telling me he couldn’t have been caught up in this snow storm and might need help?”

“He is fully capable of protecting himself… you’d know that if you’d met him.”

And Mae’s lips tremble as she remembers the last time she saw him.

He wasn’t even able to meet her gaze. He looked so vulnerable… Like a kitten left astray.

“He’s not made of stone.” her voice comes out as a whimper.

“But he’s got a heart of stone,” Ellias rebuttals as he crumbles the missing form and tosses it towards the bin.” Humanity’s strongest can look after himself… There’s a reason why he’s Humanity’s Strongest…”

And Mae gapes. Her head throbs, with the texture of pain. Her body aches for a minute's rest. But somehow she finds the energy to create a scene.

And she leans forward towards Elias, with her hands placed on the table and her arms stretched straight

“EXCUSE ME…” she sneers. “I’m here to file a missing complaint and it's your duty to look into it. Instead you’re telling me that I’m lying... Just because you’re a lazy bum who can’t get himself to work… people like yo-”

The door is yanked open with a bang, Mae flinches and Elias looks towards it.

Out comes a tall - middle-aged man, wearing a large black overcoat and a… bowler hat even though he’s indoors.

His jet black hair is gelled to the black. And his face sports a pronounced scowl. “OI!” He calls out. “What’s all this ruckus this early in the morning?”

The atmosphere suddenly changes, and Ellias straightens himself. Slightly scared.

“Sir…” his voice trails off, a lump forming in his throat.

“I have a missing complaint to file, I’m afraid it’s not being taken seriously.” Mae beats him to it, as she pushes her chair back..

“He doesn’t work in that department,” Ellias pokes in, but Mae moves ahead regardless

And Kenny smirks in glee at the sight of her.

Missing complaints are not something he concerns himself with. He’s here to work for the King,, not to solve some minor civil problems and save some damsel in distress.

But he’s bored, and she’s a wreck. It will be good entertainment.

“Sir… Captain Levi has been missing for the past 8 hours, and we all know how harsh the snow storm is.” Mae explains , hoping she receives the help she’s here for her.

And Kenny’s eyes blow wide, more with concern than surprise.

Captain Levi. The title sounds pleasant to his ears.

Now he can’t help but stay.

“See, I told you she is crazy” Elias sputters to cover up. “I think the cold has gotten to her head or something… which maniac walks out in the cold like that.”

“THE COLD HAS NOT GOTTEN TO MY HEAD.” Mae’s eyes flash dangerously at Elias, and she shifts her attention towards Kenny. Deeming him more competent.

But Kenny only lets out a snicker. “He’s strong, he can take care of himself very well.”

I’ve made sure of it. He wants to add. But some things are better left unsaid.

“AND HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT? YOU DON’T KNOW HIM? HAVE YOU EVER EVEN MET HIM?” She yells, absolutely appalled at the insensitivity of these men.

And Kenny takes a step towards her too, towering a foot above her. His nostrils flare in anger, and he glares at her, his aura almost threatening. Not a lot of people have had the audacity to speak to him in such a way. “Who are you to him?” he seethes through clenched teeth.

But Mae doesn’t back away either.

“I’m his lover.” she spills out, without an ounce of hesitance.

Sheer surprise flashes in Kenny’s eyes for a second. Slowly it fades and the creases under his eyes melt into that of laughter. “Aah, that runt grew up finally.” he chortles

And Mae looks at him, appalled and disgusted. “And who are you to him?” She counters . Half in mockery. Half in contempt. He doesn’t even wear a badge that tells his name. She’d be surprised if she’d find even one reliable officer in this damned place.

And Kenny falls silent for a millisecond, face conflicted.

“….Nothing.” He lets out a weak laugh. “Just go back home, you’ll find him there.”

And then he takes a step back in resignation. A little emotional, a little exhausted. “Take good care of him.” he mutters under his breath, before he coops back into his cabin.

—--------------------------------------------

A heavy sigh falls from Levi’s lips as he steps into the premises of the Survey Corps headquarters. The midnight moon shines over. And the stone walls embrace him, it's cold grays have never seemed so inviting.

It’s been an entire day on horseback. Nevertheless he should be grateful the stable manager at Mitras recognised him, and rented him a horse, free of cost.

And as glad as he is to be here, there’s also a heaviness in his heart that he can’t shake off.

It's the kind of pain that only Mae is capable of causing.

She isn’t next to him.

He left without a thought. Running away from the haunting unhappiness in her eyes. And now he’s left with only his feelings to keep him company. Cold and empty.

He wonders if the marriage went out as planned? Were the celebrations as grand as the decorations? And was the buffet as large as they were setting it up to be?

Most of all he wonders if Mae is okay? He wonders, if just like Kenny, that was the last time he saw her as well?

Memories of yesterday trickle into his mind. The disappointment in her eyes, and the complaints in her mind. And he sighs, exhausted. Wondering if the heaviness in his chest will alleviate.

He needs tea, he tells himself.

The torches on the walls flicker, dimmed by the constant breeze. Winter is just around the corner and darkness engulfs the hallways.

And Levi relaxes a tad bit. Finding solace in his darkness, it’s what is familiar to him.

He rounds the corner and enters the kitchen. Sadly for him, a familiar brunette is already seated on the dining table next to the kitchen.

Hange. His features twist into a scowl.

They are the worst person he could possibly find at this time.

And Hange swivels as the sound of his footsteps reaches their ear.

“Levi!” They exclaim. “You’re back early.”

And Levi looks at them coldly, completely ignoring their existence.

He was so close to sulking. But now he looks emotionless again. It's like something has shifted in his head. And now the person next to him will only face his anger, never his sadness.

He makes his way to the kettle. And he prays that Hange stays put in their chair.

But Hange is relentless as usual. Hyperactive, and curious. They spring up from their seat and follow Levi into the open kitchen. Ready with their barrage of questions.

“So how was the wedding?” Where is Mae?” It's probably the dim candlelights that impairs them from seeing the scowl on Levi’s face. A few moments more and he will snap. Hopefully in a tame way.

“Don’t tell me you dropped her back home, this late at night?” They wiggle their brows suggestively, as they linger behind him. Watching him boil the water from over his shoulder.

And Levi doesn’t even turn to look back at them, as he puts his hand on their shoulder and pushes them backwards. “Fuck off, “ he threatens

Hange’s lips part. Usually with Levi, they can never tell when he’s mad, because he always looks mad. But tonight, the anger in his voice is primal.

And they can only head back to the table, and shove their head back into their research books. Looking over occasionally to give Levi a onceover.

He looks at the pot of boiling water a little too hard. His jaw is clenched tight, and his footsteps are a little too loud.

His hands shuffle through the cabinets. Banging the shelf doors shut. And Hange doesn’t understand how Levi doesn’t recall the spot he’s specifically designated to his beloved tea. None of the other Survey Corps seniors are even allowed to touch it.

Frustration fills him up, and he curses, rather loudly.

And the Levi in front of Hange, is completely unlike the Levi they’ve always known.

The Levi in front of them is messy and unorganized. Grabbing a hot vessel bare hand, and then hissing at the burn.

The flipping of their pages stops, and all they see in front of them is a problem to be solved.

There’s an obvious tension in the air that drowns in all the quiet. And Levi finds himself falling into the endless pit of sadness inside of him, again.

He tries to forget the disappointment that he saw in her eyes. He tries to forget the things that Mr.Mendes said about him, harsh but so true, they still make his heart hurt. But its all too recent, all too fresh in his memory.

Mae was close to crying back then, he could tell by the way her lips shuddered.

He doesn’t understand why he still feels so sad. After all he knew that things between them were bound to end. He doesn’t understand why he always gets his hopes up, when he has a habit of losing people left and right.

And he doesn’t understand why he sits on the same table as Hange, taking the farthest chair from them. When he can easily take his tea to his quarters.

Maybe it's the fact that he’s been left alone again. And being in the vicinity of someone, even if it's someone as annoying as Hange, seems comforting.

Even if that comfort is temporary.

He’s so much of a disappointment.

Sometimes he wonders why Erwin and Hange keep up with him?

It's probably because of his strength.

The smell of tea floats through the air, but Levi doesn’t touch it.

And Hange notices. “I can’t wait for the day when you’ll marry Mae as well.” They chirp out of nowhere. Hoping to make him feel better.

And Levi does manage to throw one of the harshest stares at them, before he winces.

“She found out.” The words slip out of his mouth. Accidently, perhaps. It's one of the rare times where his emotions run so wild, they can’t help but take charge.

“She found out what?” Hange repeats. Their ears practically flying over.

Slowly they shift to the chair next to him.

And Levi sits rigid, holding his head where it hurts, it feels like the walls in his brain are caving in.

And yet, he fights.

He fights Hange’s company.

He fights his needs, his desires.

He fights himself. Adding fuel to his own struggle.

It’s what he has done his entire life.

It has left him worn out.

To the point where he doesn’t have the strength to resist anymore.

The walls around his heart are slowly crumbling down.

He’s lost her. His world feels dark.

“She found out that I’m an underground thug.” His voice comes out weak… barely above a whisper. The position life has put him in is hard to believe. Because here he sits, opening up to Hange of all people.

Kenny would disapprove so much of the emotional bastard he still is. Losing hope by a mere person leaving him behind.

But he does it for Mae, he tells himself.

And Hange’s eyes widen, surprised that Mae didn’t already know about this. It's abnormal, and unhealthy. They were pretty sure Mae was the person he was closest to.

A silence spreads, its claws fatal.

Levi takes Hange’s silence for judgment, and decides to go back into his invulnerable shell. “Doesn’t matter, things were going to end anyways,” he mutters coldly, and then he loudly slurps his tea.

And Hange still sits in shock. She found out, his words echo in their head. Which means he didn’t even tell her himself. “LEVI!,” They urge, breaking out of their stupor “Till when were you going to keep this hidden from her!”

Forever if possible he thinks to himself. He can always keep a few parts of him hidden.

And his silence tells.

“You weren’t planning to tell her, were you?” They question, but they know it's true.

The quake of his heel never fades , and his shoulders still slouch. They’ve never seen him look so defeated. He’s too afraid of disappointing. He’s too afraid of being abandoned. And he’s too afraid to voice out that he didn’t want Mae to know, because he was afraid she’d leave him.

“Why would you not tell her Levi….? Hange racks through the potential possibilities. “Was it because you were treated harshly by the soldiers when you first came in….”

Everything comes off as a surprise to them. They could have never guessed that all the taunts thrown his way were something that bothered him. Not by the look on his face anyway. Guess he’s a little more sensitive than they had anticipated.

“You were discriminated against in the Survey Corps, because it's the military and rules are important here. You broke the order, you broke the regulations so obviously people didn’t like it. Also your first impression was HORRIBLE…And just because everyone in the military condemned you, doesn’t mean Mae will too… You can’t pretend to be someone else and hide parts of yourself from someone who is in a sense your life partner Levi?”

There is a stiffness in the air that constricts. And Levi feels like he’s being put on the spot, when he’s caught vulnerable. He feels angry, he wants to yell, he wants to push Hange away… or maybe– or maybe he’s just scared.

And he sits there forcing his eyes shut as Hange’s words sink in. He’s repeated this mistake before, fitting himself into the likes and standards of Kenny, just to please him. So much so that sometimes he doesn’t even recognise the softer, more emotional parts of him.

“To love, means to accept the person for what they are…” Hange places an arm on his shoulder, and he looks at them, his gaze tender. “And if she doesn’t… then good for you. At least you know she wasn’t the one.”

And Levi does find Hange’s thoughts beautiful. But he also knows that no one will go to such lengths for him. He knows that he’ll be abandoned by the Survey Corps as well, if one day he wakes up weak.

He tears his gaze away from them. Knowing that if he looks too long, Hange will see through all his imperfections.

They have a habit of not keeping their nose in everyone’s shit anyways.

But Hange’s mind is already working at a speed that he should be afraid of. And they almost jump from their chair, as a realization strikes. “This is the problem isn’t it Levi!... The thought that she might leave you…. You ignored her because you knew she was bound to leave you or be disappointed in you in some way... You thought she was better off with Ivan, then you taking the pain of losing her.”

Levi’s eyes widen. They are threateningly close to knowing him.

“HOW DO YOU KNOW EVERYTHING?”, he seethes as he grits his teeth. Half embarrassed that Hange knows about his pitiful behavior with Mae when Ivan was here.

“I… I have assumptions,” they gulp. Fearful for once

The clock ticks, and slowly his features soften “Mae told you everything, didn’t she?” he sighs, as he pinches the bridge of his nose.

“Well but I’m always open to hear your perspective as well.’

“Oh fuck off Hange.” He sneers as he gulps his tea down, and pushes the cup to the side.

He feels horrible, so out of character, and vulnerable. But he doesn’t feel unsafe.

And he has a shit ton of problems that he knows he can’t solve by himself. Especially when it comes to Mae.

And what's the point hesitating now, when his pride has already been tossed into the bin.

“I don’t know how to keep her Happy Hange… It's not the same anymore, she’s unhappier, doesn’t talk with me too much.” He looks down, his voice somber.

“Says you Levi… the person she used to smile just at the sight of?” Hange’s voice is soft, their eyes full of genuine concern.

And despite his uneasiness with discussing his personal life out loud, and getting his behavioral patterns dissected by none other than Hange, he settles into his chair.

The night is long and Hange seems welcoming,

—--------------------------------------------

Heavy gray clouds conceal the midnight sky. The rains are relentless, boisterous with thunder. And fog wraps around the tall trees like a blanket.

The winds blow fast, Levi can hear it rattle against the glass windows.

His quarters are warm though, fire crackles in the hearth, casting an orange tint. And his cloak is leisurely draped over his shoulders.

Scented candles are lined up on his window sill.

And lavender tea he brewed for himself has now run cold. Halfway finished

It's something Mae made him do, when sleeping was becoming difficult.

She crafted a whole ass routine for him, to help him relax and sleep longer.

He drums his fingers on the table, sitting idle, Frustrated that he’s done with all his paperwork.

It feels so damn lonely. Like those days, when she’d quit her job from the Survey Corp and he was haunted with thoughts of her..

The sound of thunder fills up the space.

The temperature has dropped all of a sudden. Surely it must be snowing in the interior. And Levi feels guilty for leaving Mae behind so thoughtlessly.

None of them were prepared for snow.

Another round of thunder reverberates around. Lightning strikes and Levi shivers. The night is uncannily similar to the night when he lost Farlan and Isabel.

Just another testament of how he is not made for happy endings.

And he can only watch as every second painfully passes away.

Tick-tock, tick-tock

The fire cackles

Tick-tock, tick-tock

The wind whistles.

Tick-tock, tick-tock

The lightning feels blinding.

Tick-tock, tick-tock

A distant sound adds to the mix. It's rushed and heavy, pounding closer to his gates.

And Levi is pulled out of his reverie, as then the door barges open

In front of him stands Mae, with her hair partially drenched, and her dress splattered with mud.

The closed umbrella in her hand, makes a pool of water on the floor. Dripping wet.

His eyes widen.

And so do hers.

“Levi,” his name slips past her lips. And for once she didn't overthink. The umbrella in her hand drops to the floor, and the door behind shuts close, as she leaves everything behind and darts towards him.

She doesn’t hesitate, as she sits on his lap, and throws her arms around his frame. Surrendering to the intensity of emotions in her heart..

Levi's body tenses at instinct. His heartbeat picks up the pace and the butterflies in his stomach come alive once again.

It's just been 4 days, but he’s missed her so damn much. For a moment he wonders if he’s still daydreaming

And it's only when he feels her shivering against his chest, that he gives in. “Y-you’r-re c-cold,” he stutters, as he wraps his cloak around her. His hands splay over her back, rubbing it to warm her up quickly.

And she too, huddles closer to his warmth. The sound of his low baritone, brings her so much comfort, and she shuts her eyes close, to pause this moment.

Their breaths mingle, hearts beating in sync, together.

In this moment they are so vulnerable.

She cries, into his chest. And he’s made sure that nothing in his life is important enough to make him cry. But for god's sake does his heart sob with joy.

He looks at the messy trail of mud her shoes have left behind. And her fingernails that are dirty with grime. He looks at her shuddering shoulders and her hair, wet and cold.

She’s traveled through the storm for him.

She’s come back to him. Despite everything

And he doesn’t know what the future holds for them, or even if she'll be alive the next day. But he does know that no matter how cruel and brutal this world gets, his heart will forever be labeled hers.

Her hands leave his chest, before they slowly come up to his cheeks. She cups his face, as she pulls back and looks at him. Silence stretches between them. Or maybe it's the pause one takes to admire something beautiful.

And fresh tears fill up her eyes as she strokes his cheek.“Why do you make me worry so much? Couldn’t you have told me that you were leaving? I-I was so scared something happened to you.”

His knees feel weak at the thought. Like he’ll shatter to the ground, if not for her holding him so close.

And his breath shudders, sodden with emotions. “I-I’m s-sorry.” he gulps. Voice heavy with guilt. “I-I thought you would be u-upset. Wouldn’t w-want to n-near me anymore.”

“I would have wanted to hear about your past from you. I was more disappointed in the fact that you didn’t tell me, when everyone else knew about it... I am your lover Levi… I consider you my better half, then why is it that I know so little about you?”

In her questions, Levi feels a kind of reassurance. Perhaps it's the fact that she’s still making an effort to stay with him.

It's a feeling he can't put into words.

As if his sun-burned body has finally found the cooling shade of a tree.

As if his directionless quest has finally found a destination.

There is such a prickle in this moment, and the way she holds him, tightly, yet with gentleness. It makes him question all the nasty thoughts he has had about himself.

Because he was convinced that he was way too crooked for anyone to find any beauty in him. And yet she dares to sit on his lap, so close to him. Cradling him as if he’s something precious.

Words fail him. And he can’t help but think if he could just kiss her, and pour all his love into it. If he could kiss her and express all that his speech never could. They all seem so beautiful in the romance novels he reads.

If only he could kiss her and not succumb to his overthinking head.

And so he brings her hand closer to lips. His heart hammers, almost violently in his chest. And his hand shudders with nervousness. Yet he dares to take her knuckles and kiss it.

Hoping it conveys everything he can’t spout out loud.

That he’ll fight for her. Even if it's parts of himself that he’s up against. “I;m s-sorry…I’m s-sorry, I thought you’d h-hate me”

And Mae smiles as she looks at him. The first genuine smile she’s given him in months. “We’ve got to work on a lot of things to make this work,” Her words are blunt, but the way she delivers them is so gentle.

And Levi blinks up at her. Grateful that she has not given up on him yet. “We do…” he hums.

There’s fear in both of their eyes. The fear of messing up. The fear of losing one another. So many things still remain unexpressed. So many fears, desires, wishes. If only they were given a voice. Both Levi and Mae would know that their love for each other is boundless.

“You promise you’ll tell me everything and we’ll talk about us tomorrow?” Mae says as she tries getting out of his lap. Desperate in need of a shower

Surprisingly, his grip around her waist tightens. He holds her there, listening to the sound of her breath.

And despite the wreck Mae is, she finally feels so wanted. The butterflies in her stomach tumble. And she can barely contain her happiness.

“I will… “Levi presses a kiss on her forehead. “Now go take a shower, I’ll set up the bed for you.”

“Will you sleep on the bed, next to me?” she asks on her way to the shower.

And Levi never sleeps on the bed.

Because Levi lives every moment with the unsurety of whether he’ll make it to the next. He lives every moment considering the possibility that the titans might break in.

Yet now as he looks into her warm brown eyes, he can’t help but wonder if for one night he just lets loose.

The worst thing that could happen is that the titans breach the wall, and he ends up dying with her.

Indeed that sounds like a soft epilogue. To die in each other’s arms, to not die alone.

Everyone comes to this world on their own, and they die on their own, because inherently everyone is alone. And yet to hold on to each other, as they take their last breaths. To have a moment of bliss before death separates them.

“Levi!” Mae prods again. A brow raised in question. “Will you sleep on the bed with me?”

And his lips quirk up a tiny bit, as he timidly nods a yes.

9 notes · View notes

levis-coffeecup · 1 year

Text

Chapter 19 | Tangled Threads

WC-6.3 k

Content/Warnings

canon- compliant, canon-typical violence, descriptions of PTSD, grief, depression, heavy angst and themes, strong language.

Author's note:

Hi guys,

Feels like I should stop making promises about when the next chapter will be out, because I always end up being late lol. But this time it was an internet issue I promise.

Also I don't know why I feel like there is a big para where the tense is different or the things just don't make sense. I've gone over that chapter once so hopefully its just me being anxious, and I haven't skipped past anything. (But if I have then please don't judge me and let me know lol).

This chapter was lowkey inspired by the song Phir Le Aya dil , so that's the song for this chapter. Also all the future songs for the chapters might be desi songs because being in New York only makes me feel more patriotic 🤡

Anyways thanks for tuning in, and I hope you find the chapter to your liking.

Chapters

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22

Masterlist | Playlist | Other Works

JAN 847

Ivan’s wedding is finally here. And Levi and Mae settle in a hotel in Mitras, taking a night’s rest, before attending the function tomorrow.

The room they stay in is small. Meant for one person only, but it was the only thing that fit their budget, in a city as expensive as Mitras.

There’s a desk and chair in the opposite corner, with a cupboard next to it. And their shared suitcase lays open on the floor, with a towel kept on top of it.

Mae has cozied up on the bed. Fresh from a bath.

The trip from Jinae to Mitras has been exhausting. Her legs are sore from sitting in that cramped cart for so long. It was filled with people and there was not a single woman inside, besides her.

And she’s so grateful that Levi was with her. Even though he probably has no interest in Ivan’s wedding whatsoever. He made her feel so safe and protected.

Levi walks fresh out of the shower. With a pair of trousers on, and the scent of his body wash steaming out of the bathroom.

Her face softens.

Fresh drops of water still drip down his lower back, and coils of wet hair stick to his skin. And his muscles flex as he bends down to pick his towel from the suitcase.

And Mae pines over him in silence. Almost smiling.

She’s going to spend the next 3 days with him. A part of her is so excited, because this is the first time she gets to spend so long with him. But a part of her also doesn’t want to bring her hopes too high, in case she ends up getting disappointing again.

Because her relationship with Levi has always been a rocky one. Often leading to more doubt than warmth..

He takes the towel off his shoulders, and starts to dry his hair. And Mae can only stare as desire ignites in her stomach.

She hasn’t pecked his cheek, ever since that day, when he dropped her off home. She’s even stopped casually touching his arm. And much to her disappointment, Levi hasn’t brought it up.

She wonders if he ever misses it. She wonders if he ever melts at her touch, just like she does.

And tonight, it's just the two of them, staying in this dimly lit room with this small bed that can only fit one person. She wonders if he’ll initiate something. He’s a man after all.

“Levi!“ She chimes, her smile welcoming and her eyes are warm. And she pats the spot on the bed, next to her, as she sweetly mutters, “will you sleep on the bed next to me?”

“You can take the bed,” he answers instantaneously, continuing to pat his hair dry, Not even pondering over her offer for a moment.

And just like always, she tries but he doesn’t bother. And just like always, she reaches a hand forth, only to see him take 2 steps backward.

It adds to her frustration, like fuel to fire. “And where will you sleep?” She asks exasperated.

And Levi pauses, sensing the tiniest shifts in her mood. He looks up at her, his lithe eyebrows, rumpled.

He never sleeps on the bed, not even in his quarters.

He sleeps on his desk chair instead, with his ODM gear sprawled on the desk, in a way that if the titan breaks through any moment, he can quickly put the gear on. And be ready for what is to come.

He sleeps on his desk chair, so that he can feel the tremors on the ground, if the titans ever do barge in.

Because Levi lives every moment with the uncertainty of whether he’ll make it to the next.

And even though they are in Mitras, the safest spot in the walls. He still can’t get himself to sleep on the bed.

Habits from his past catch up to him. Unseen, unexpected tragedies have always found him. They have made him fearful, and it's indeed this fear instilled deep within him that makes him competent as a soldier..

And then there’s Mae too. He knows her back hurts from sitting in the cart all day long. And he wants her to have a good rest, he wants her to have the entire bed.

It's one of the ways he expresses his love for her. By always keeping her needs above his.

“The chair is good enough for me,” He speaks with diligence. And Mae finds the sincerity in his voice suffocating. She almost wants to scoff, but she also doesn't want to start a fight, this late at night.

Only married couples who can’t stand each other sleep separately.

And she wistfully watches, as he puts the towel aside, his hair now dried. She notices the exhaustion in his eyes and the slight slouch of his shoulders.

She’s told him how necessary good sleep is, for a soldier like him. She’s told him how bad sleeping on the chair is for his posture and his health. And she also set up a whole routine for him to follow before bed. To help him with his insomnia.

But he probably doesn’t even care enough to remember it. Let alone follow it.

Everything in this relationship feels so one-sided, it's exhausting.

And defeated, she flops down on the bed. Pushing herself in the corner, just in case Levi changes his mind and wants to sleep on the bed as well.

Goodnight, she wants to say to him. But it feels futile.

Little does she know Levi looks so exhausted, because he’s stayed awake a couple nights, to complete all his work. So that he can make it here.

And when he looks over to her sleeping figure, his face softens.

She looks so adorable, huddled up in a fuzzy blanket with just her head sticking out. He can’t help but make his way towards her.

The desire of being closer to her seems both illogical yet unquenchable. But he doesn’t want to go overboard like he once did, he doesn’t want to get lost in the current of his feelings and do something he will regret. And most of all he doesn’t want to hurt her in any way.

Because he has never been good at anything gentle. He’s scared that he’ll touch her and she’ll shatter at the strength his hand holds. That someday he’ll touch her and she’ll disappear. Making all his fears come to fruition.

So his hands quake as they extend towards her cheek, as if she is a precious imagery that will distort the moment he touches her.

Erwin’s words still ring in his head loud and clear.

And he wonders if he’s being too selfish, by still keeping her around when he’ll never be able to provide her the type of life he wants her to live. He wonders if he’s being too cruel to her, when he knows that their story will end grimly either way.

And the end is surely near, with how things have been going the past couple of days.

Mae’s stopped pecking his cheek, she’s stopped her playful banter, and she’s stopped telling him random things about her day,

She’s already unhappier. And the decision to move the headquarters elsewhere has been made final.

She’ll end up leaving, disappointed by him. That’s what’s most probable now. And at this point Levi knows he’s so attached, that it's going to hurt twice as bad.

But still, he likes to think that he doesn’t regret his decision to be with her.

Because he doesn’t want to lose her just yet, even if he is meant to lose her somewhere along the way. He doesn’t want to go back to being 2 strangers at a bar, with a knotted past. Even though their time together is waning out.

One day, these fleeting memories are all he’ll have of her.

And so he decides that today, he’ll finally kiss her cheek too. He’s wanted to do it since forever. Ever since the day she first pecked him.

But he hardly had the courage to ask her for it when she’s wide awake. His shyness always got the best of him. But now she’s sleeping, peacefully like a baby.

And so he walks over to her, and gently scoops her into his arms. Placing her in the center of the bed. Perfectly tucking her in the blanket again.

And so he waits a little longer, admiring this moment and how peacefully she rests. And then he squats down.

And his lips hover over her cheek for a little while, before they finally land and kiss on it tenderly.

________________

The preparations for the wedding look elaborate.

A big field lays decorated, lush with green grass. Tables are lined up, covered with a silk tablecloth. And the chairs are decorated with white ruffles too. A red carpet is stretched out on the grass. And in the center, is the wedding altar. Its pillars, decorated with vines and flowers. And a delicate white net dangling from its top.

It's quite cold though, but nothing that the people of Mitras aren’t used to. The sky is relatively clear. And flurries of white clouds float around in the clear blues. Perfectly complimenting the white roses, used in the decorations.

Everything looks so heavenly, and Mae feels out of place when she sees it all.

A part of her finds it hard to believe that this could be her, getting married here instead. With such a fancy arrangement, and nobility as guests.

She wonders if she made the right choice that day. By picking Levi over everything else.

And Levi walks beside her, badgered with guilt as well.

He can see the way her eyes sparkle, dazed by all the luxury around her. This was the type of life Mae could have lived. The type of life he can never provide.

And guilt badgers in his gut once again. He feels like he has cheated her, given her too much false hope.

“Mae,” he lets out a sigh. Voice heavy and hesitant. “I need to tell you something.”

And he doesn’t know why he is bringing this up right now, at this wedding that they are supposed to enjoy. Maybe it's the remorse clawing inside him, and maybe it's the fact that he could possibly never make her this happy.

Silence stretches between them. It's almost been 3 months since they’ve started dating, and things seem to have mellowed down.

Mae doesn’t want to be needy, and Levi always wants to give her space. But hope still fills her eyes when she hears his voice. And his gaze softens, ever so subtly.

“Go ahead, Levi,” she mutters, a tad bit excited. It's one of the few times when Levi initiates something by himself. And she hopes it's something about the type of marriage they’d have.

“Erwin is thinking of moving the headquarters elsewhere.” Levi states with his usual nonchalance. It’s something he’s practiced a thousand times before the mirror now.

And the silence that unfolds is a stiff one.

Mae looks down at the ground, with a hard glare.

And Levi looks down as well, steepling his fingers. He can sense the shift in her mood. It's a mix of grieving, disappointment and frustration. And she likes to not be bothered when her mood is sour.

So he remains quiet, giving her the space to ponder. Plus he doesn’t really know what to say to make things better. He knows he’s a pain in the ass. He knows there isn't much he can provide for her, in comparison to Ivan .

And he also knows their future isn’t too bright. It’s something he’d guessed from the start.He just hopes she doesn’t regret being with him, for whatever time their destiny allowed.

And Mae feels a heaviness settle in her heart.

She’s always longing for him. Longing to talk to him. Longing to spend more time with him. Longing that somewhere, his hand will find hers, and lead her to someplace better. And he’s always withdrawing from her. Withdrawing from her touches. Withdrawing from her wishes. And withdrawing from the vulnerability that a relationship brings.

And if only he was brave enough to give her any sort of explanation, she would tell him that distance will never stop her from loving him.

The beautiful decorations around her only feel suffocating. All she needs is a few moments of peace in Levi’s arms. She’s battered and exhausted. Sometimes she doesn’t understand how she finds the strength to face the world.

And she wishes she could hold on to his hand.

But she knows Levi hates any form of public affection. Or scratch that, she knows he hates affection in itself. It's been 3 months already, and he’s never held her hand, even in the privacy of his chambers.

It’s exhausting, to be stuck in this loop of wanting and withdrawing. It feels like she’s all alone in this. But unknowingly. yet as always, Levi stands right beside her, in the same boat, with the same troubles.

And if only she ever said something she would know that her comfort matters more to him, more than his own apprehensions and nervousness.

Ivan stands in the distance, looking over a few decorations next to the altar. His jet black tuxedo stands out, in the greens of the grass, and all the white the servants wear. And Mae needs a distraction she tells herself. Her mind is drained, thinking of Levi night and day.

And Levi can simply follow, as she starts walking towards Ivan instead.

He’s tall and fair, just like he’s always been. He turns towards Mae and flashes her a smile. His eyes sparkling blue,in all the sunlight.

They start talking about the wedding preparations, and a certain vigor weaves into Mae’s tone. She tells him how wonderful the arrangement looks. And she also keeps her hand on his upper arm, when he tells her how exhausted he is.

And Levi stands behind her, shifting his weight from one foot to another. Seething with something feral.

He thought she didn’t like speaking to anyone when she’s feeling low. And yet she’s speaking to Ivan with such enthusiasm. She wasn’t speaking to him this way a few minutes before.

Jealousy curls in the pit of his stomach. But he deserves it, he tells himself. He deserves all her silences. And he deserves all the pain her actions inflict.

Time ticks by slow, and somehow the conversation shifts. All of a sudden Mae is introducing him to Ivan.

And Ivan smiles at him, extending a hand forward out of courtesy.

But Levi just glares at it. His insecurities make him bitter .

The moment stretches, the tension palpable.

“Levi!” Mae elbows him, and throws him a disapproving look. And he wallows even deeper in his insecurities, knowing he has disappointed her even more.

Mae asks Ivan where Mr. Mendes is, and Ivan points towards the huge mansion built on the other side of the ground. They talk for a few more moments, and then Mae bids her goodbye, and starts walking towards the mansion.

And Levi just simply follows, unsure whether she even wants him around.

The mansion is big, even more intimidating up close. And its door lays wide open, as handmaidens and cleaners jog in and out.

And Mae gasps, awestruck as she steps inside. The interior is made of gleaming polished wood and the paneled walls run tall. And every piece of furniture is so intricate, it could be placed in a museum.

Her eyes glance around, wide in wonder.

Ivan’s marrying the daughter of the noble he was treating. She must be a gift to keep Mr. Mendes and Ivan around. It's a business deal of sorts- you stick around and treat my family, from our hereditary disease. And I share my wealth with you and give you my daughter.

Things have surely played out really well for Ivan.

And she hopes Mr. Mendes has had the heart to forgive her, too, as she lingers outside his door. Timid, and doubtful of her decision to see him.

Levi stands behind her like a shadow, unable to meet her eye, but unshakeable as ever. Her heart eases a little, his mere sight providing her comfort. Her fingers reach out to his wrist, and he looks up hesitant.

“Levi,” His name comes out so sweet from her lips. “Can you wait here for a bit? He was really unhappy with me the last time I saw him, and just in case he’s still mad, I don’t want him to take his anger out on you.”

Levi visibly softens. The self-inflicted wounds on his pride sooth a little. “Just remember that I’m right outside the door. Do call me if anything feels off… Please” he adds. Hoping she doesn’t hesitate.

And she nods, as she knocks on the door, and steps inside.

The room is small, with a bed, a study desk and a wardrobe. And Mr.Mendes sits on a rocking chair next to the window. Staring at the wedding arrangements.

It's been a few months since she last saw him. And how ever rude he might have been to her in asking her hand for marriage. She still has a fatherly bond with him.

“Mr Mendes.” She calls out, and slowly he turns his head towards her. Age has touched him harshly, his wrinkles fold deep and his eyes seem vacant and dull.

“Mae.” He mutters, eyes squinting as he throws her a glance. “You’re here too,” he states, albeit blandly.

And she looks down to the floor, scrunching the fabric of her skirt in nervousness. He doesn’t seem too happy to see her, and once again she feels unwanted.

The moment stretches, the silence is vacant. Mr.Mendes goes back to looking at the window, and Mae focuses on the floor beneath her. A little embarrassed, and guilty. Wondering if he’s still angry at her for not accepting his offer.

The tension only eases when he breaks into a fit of violent coughs.

On instinct, Mae picks up a glass of water kept on his side table, and rushes towards him. One hand on his back and the other on the glass, as she helps him chug down the water.

And he too rests his hands on her shoulder, as his coughs make him jerk forward. It brings back a ton of memories. And she finds her eyes getting watery. She never knew she would get so distant with him one day.

His coughs begin to subside, and she continues to pat his back, just like the old days. But sadly things are way different today, and a few things have changed in a way that they can’t be mended.

“What shabby clothes are you wearing?” Mr. Mendes remarks as soon as his cough settles. A scoff paints itself on his face. And he pushes himself away from her.

“They're not shabby, it's a fresh pair,” her voice teeters on the edge of a plea, and she looks down on the ground making herself small.

“Look at the life you;re living, and coming here to my son;s wedding, dressed in nothing but rags.” he spits out. His words hurt, her heart shudders. She feels insecure.

“I’m proud of the choices I;ve made, I have no regrets.” she squeaks out

“No regrets,” his face scrunches in disgust. “Are you happy then? Living in one of the poorest neighborhoods in Jinae. Working countless jobs. Settling for a good for nothing man.” His words are like venom, fuelled with anger and frustration. And he’s so weakened by his emotions, he doesn’t realize he’s yelling.

“EXCUSE ME,” Mae counters, her temper flaring up too. “He is Humanity's strongest, a respected and valued soldier in the Survey Corps. Don’t disrespect him like that.”

Because as much as things aren’t going well with him, he’s still hers. And she wouldn’t let anyone speak shit about him.

Mr. Mendes laughs, a bitter mock. “What good is that title to you, it only puts him with more risks and responsibilities making the chances of him dying higher?”

His taunt falls like a slap on her face. She feels weak, ridden of words.

Yeah, what good is that title to her? Especially when he hardly has any time for her.

“Your silence tells how much you’re disappointed in your reckless decision.” He reels back to looking at the window,” Humanity’s Strongest huh! Damn sure that title gets the underground thug all the ladies in the world… Unbelievable how a criminal gang leader can turn into a hero.“ He curses and his words echo through the thin walls.

And all of a sudden Mae’s slapped not only with Mr Mendes's wrath, but also with the secrets of Levi’s past. She finds it hard to breathe, as if the wind has been knocked right out of her lungs.

It’s the last tick, the water has gone over the bridge.

The information lays heavy on her mind, slowly the pieces of him fall together. The way he keeps a knife hidden in his clothes. And the way he knew nothing about the world when he first met her.

A thug from the Underground? Levi never told her anything about that?

“He’s no match for my son.” Mr. Mendes mutters, more to himself. And tears do well. Everything looks blurry, her heart feels dizzy. She feels defeated.

“Why are you so quiet now?” he taunts. “Did reality finally knock some sense into you?”

And Mae feels helpless, not knowing how to counter something she’s been told nothing about.

“I’m sorry,” she whispers, more to herself. For being so foolish in her love. For enduring all the shit Levi put her through once again. For settling for something so… unworthy. And most of all, for loving herself less than him… once again.

Her shoulders feel heavy and her knees feel weak as she turns away.

She doesn’t even know whether the claims made by Mr. Mendes are true, or just an accusation made to mess with her. But that just proves how little she knows about Levi, and how little he cares about her.

And with the little strength in her heart she pushes the door open.

In front of her stands Levi.

He didn’t tell her this.

He didn’t tell her anything about him.

And Levi’s eyes fall down. His facade has fallen, soiled in the dirt. All that remains now, are the parts of him that have always been hated. The parts of him that are hard to love and difficult to accept.

And he feels bare, naked.

The silence is loud and sharp. Piercing like the barbed wire wrapped around Mae’s heart. And she looks at him, with disappointment knitted in her brows

Because Levi is the calm before the storm. The smell of fresh linen sheets, and the harsh rain that cleanses everything. He is stillness and chaos. With the stars in his eyes, and the world on his shoulders. A paradox so unusual, that it's a wonder on earth.

But most of all, Levi is the person she has loved with all her heart and soul. And yet, she doesn’t recognise him anymore.

He feels like a stranger. And their entanglement feels like nothing but a burden.

Questions in her mind erupt like fire. And they would sear Levi alive

She searches his slate gray eyes. The same eyes she’s utterly fallen in love with. Hoping he gives her a single explanation. Hoping he tells her that she didn’t make the wrong decision.

That he still loves her, and she can still have the fairytale relationship that she once dreamt of.

Butas always he gives her nothing. He isn’t even able to meet her eyes. Because what awaits him there, is disappointment. His biggest fear.

Her lips tremble, her heart shudders. The tiredness of all the fights she’s never had with him boggs her down.

The prolonged silence speaks tons. She hates him for keeping this from her, and he hates the way it came out to her.

And she can only pick away the pieces of her self esteem, and walk away from him. To a place where she doesn’t feel like such a fool.

The grandeur of the mansion suffocates her. She finds beauty everywhere, in every corner of the place, but in herself. And her eyes blur as she stumbles away from him.

To say, they are only a few feet away, but miles lie between their hearts.

And Mae doesn’t understand when things started going downhill, but now things have crashed.

In an hour, the wedding bells ring. The guests are peacefully seated, and she stands at the corner, barely managing to suppress her sadness.

The bride walks in, dressed in a beautiful white dress, holding her father’s hand. Ivan stands at the other end, with a smile on his face.

And Mae watches them exchange vows wistfully,

The union of two souls. The most beautiful of moments unfold in front of her. Everything is here, flowers, grand decorations, elaborate palanquins. But her lover isn’t. Her lover has left her disappointed.

Often she dreamt of her marriage with Levi as well. With him looking as charismatic as ever in a black coat and the cravat that she stitched for him, a testament of where they once were and how much they've been through. Together.

But now she doesn’t even know of their future 2 days from now.

They’ve lost each other even whilst walking together.

The wedding ends, the bride and groom kiss. The guests clap, showering the newly weds with appreciation. And then Ivan and his now wife walk away hand in hand.

In the corner, Mae sees Mr.Mendes as well. He watches everything with an unreadable look on his face.

Slowly the guests start leaving as well, after exchanging their pleasantries. The field starts becoming vacant. But Mae remains unmoving. The heaviness in her heart is unsettling.

The sun sets, and the sky turns navy. Darkness takes over. And she feels so alone, when she looks at the stretches of land with no one but her.

Far in the distance, the lights in the mansion burn bright. And its glass windows shine golden due the warmth that illuminates from inside.

They must be really happy, Mae concludes as she walks towards the altar. Her back finds one of the four pillars, and she slumps down to the floor. Eyes struck at the podium, where the priest read the holy vows.

Everything around only makes her doubt everything she had with Levi.

The ache in her heart never lessens. And she sulks, silently fuming in the aftermath.

She tried coming close to him, but the distances between them never lessened. She tried to be the bigger person, always but things never got better.

She questions everything. His words, his actions. And the moments between them felt so genuine.

Their bond was so healthy, so strong. They had each other’s back through the toughest times. He was the closest thing she had to a family. And she thinks about how much they could have grown together if he simply tried.

But he never cared to begin with. He was only acting out of pity.

It starts to rain, an untimely rain. And tears slip past her eyes too. She feels like she’s been trying to keep them in forever.

Cold wind blows towards her, and she shivers, unused to the harsh winter of Mitras. Hours pass by awfully slow. But she doesn’t go back to the hotel. She doesn’t want to meet the person who’s caused her so much anguish.

Footsteps echo off the marble floor.

Ivan walks in visibly disturbed too. Partially drenched in the rain.

“Mae…” his voice trails off, a little surprised to see her sitting at the altar, hours after the wedding “What are you doing here?... Do you not have a room to go back to?”

The question hurts. “I’m not THAT poor. Ivan.” she snaps. “I’m just here because I don’t want to see Levi right now.”

“Oh,” Ivan sighs. Not knowing whether he should pry any further. And he too drops down on the pillar adjacent to hers. Tired.

“You love him a little too much don’t you?”

And Mae sighs, another tear slipping past her eyes at his words. “Yeah, that seems to be my biggest problem.“ She hugs herself closer, attempting to warm herself in the cold. “I love him so much, it hurts.”

The downpour drowns out the silences. But it does very little to drown the sorrow in the air.

And Mae looks up at Ivan curious. Tiredness weighs heavy on his eyes. It’s the night of his wedding. And yet he’s here sitting alone.

“Did you consummate the marriage?” The question leaves her mouth, thoughtlessly. It’s way too blunt, but none of them have the energy for formalities.

“Yeah… it was… fine,” he speaks slowly, hesitating. “I can already tell, this marriage isn’t going to be good.” And then he sighs, exhausted, as he cards his fingers through his hair.

Silence settles, the wind blows. And the both of them suffer in the cold, not wanting to return to the warmth of a home.

A sad smile forms on Mae’s face. She’s felt so awfully lonely the past few days. Sometimes, even when Levi is right next to her. “Well, if it makes you feel better, my relationship isn’t going great either.”

And Ivan’s eyes widen. “Why do you say that?” he asks, genuinely concerned. Because he’s seen Levi and Mae, he thought they’d be the type of couple that would never break apart.

“Where do I even start,” she bitterly chuckles. “Look at him…He doesn’t even come to check up on me, Ivan. It’s so cold, and I’ve been missing for hours, shivering in the rain. I'm the one who has a reason to be upset. And yet I’m the one who’s still wondering why he isn’t coming to me? He hardly has any time for me…It’s always like this with him, so painfully one sided. I doubt he’d shed even a single tear, if I end up dying one day...”

And Ivan doesn;t know what to say. It’s not like he’s some relationship expert anyway.

Hell, this marriage is his first romantic relationship ever.

And so he sits quiet, dwelling on his own inexperience. And the silence only forces Mae to relive all the things that never happened in her and Levi’s relationship.

“I think I should end it.” The thought has been bogging her for weeks now. And now she’s hit her limit. “He doesn’t love me Ivan,” her voice breaks, and she sniffs to hold her tears back. “He doesn’t lov-”

“Oh shut up!” Ivan huffs, cutting her off. Because even though he is unsure of relationships and everything happening in his life as well, he knows that Levi loves Mae. It’s the only thing he’s sure of, at this point in his life.

“Are you fucking blind? Do you even see the way he looks at you?...” He grumbles almost frustrated with Mae’s blabbering. “I’ve always been so scared of him, but when he looks at you, his lips quirk up, just a little bit. And his eyes soften, as if the most precious thing in the world is now in front of him…. When he looks at you, he looks human… So what shit are you going on about?... And you haven’t even felt the intensity of his stare, anytime I walk next to you. I face it, I face the looks he throws at me. Sometimes it's a surprise that I’m not dead already.”

“Then why doesn’t he do anything about it?’ Mae’s head begins to hurt, and frustration lays heavy in every word she spouts out. “It's been three months, Ivan. Goddamn three months and we haven’t even kissed, or held hands, or been on a date… Yesterday I asked him to sleep on the bed next to me and he slept on the chair instead.”

“But Mae?” Ivan rebuttals almost innocently. “If I'd be in a relationship with a girl I really liked, I think I’d be like that too… Extremely hesitant and shy.” he answers truthfully. “And if he doesn’t make time for you, then why is he here to attend my wedding?”

All the loopholes in her thinking slowly start to resurface. And she frowns, her nose flaring. “He does make time for… it’s just that nothing even remotely romantic ever happens in that time?”

“So why don’t you tell him how you feel? What use is complaining about all this to me, when only Levi can give you what you need?”

A quiet gasp escapes Mae’s lips. And Ivan’s questions only force her to ponder over her own insecurities.

She’s always felt like the second choice. With Mr. Mendes, sometimes also with Levi.

And so she always tries to be on her best behavior, even when the other person is being intolerable.

“I don’t know, don’t wanna be a burden.” Her voice frays, and she’s grateful that it's the middle of the night and Ivan can’t see the pure destruction on her face, when she battles her own demons. “I feel like if I ever complain, then people will get annoyed by me and wouldn’t want to stick around anymore.”

“That’s not how relationships work, Mae…” Ivan mutters solemnly. “ This rushed marriage… I never wanted it. But how could I not listen to my dying father’s wish? The father who has done so much for me?...Sometimes he still dreams of you and the perfect family he envisioned with you.”

“Did I really upset him by saying no?”

“That's okay, you can’t make everyone happy... Old age has made him childish. But that doesn’t mean I abandon him. Nor does it diminish the value of all the good times I’ve spent with him.”

Ivan speaks the truth, it lays heavy on Mae;s mind. And slowly her flaws come to light as well.

“How did Mr.Mendes know about Levi’s past?” She changes the topic.

“He told me to ask around back when I worked in the Corps… Obviously I noticed the guy you would stare at with such dreamy eyes, I would be blind to not notice… And when I told father about it, he called you for lunch too often. Then your health got worse and he told me to look into it… Almost everyone in the Survey Corps knew that he was an underground thug, how did you not know?”

“Levi is a private person. I didn’t want to pry. I thought he’d tell me himself, when he felt comfortable.”

Mae’s eyes turn moist again, there’s an ever growing tightness in her throat that makes it harder for her to speak. “I can’t believe I dreamt so much of this... I thought we’d be perfect for each other, but look at me now... And look at you Ivan. you and your bride looked perfect as you walked hand in hand…. You got exactly what I dreamt of, whilst I sit here, crying, with the remnants of my broken love life.”

The rain becomes harsher, almost turning to a storm. And a bittersweet smile forms on Ivan’s face, as he ponders over Mae’s words.

“Yeah… Me and my wife are complete in every sense. She’s pretty and I have a well-earning job and a reputable career. Our future is secure here in Mitras, and we have both time and money, we’ll never run short of… And yet, despite all the time we have, we don’t wish to spend it with each other. We speak, but not with our heart. We are bound, but not by love.”

And when Mae looks up at Ivan, she sees the same pain reflect in his eyes, that she saw when he lost his mother. The pain of loss and unhappiness. “We are complete in every sense. We have everything that one needs to be happy. But our love…. Our love is incomplete…”

And a final tear slips past her eyes as Ivan continues. “ You and Levi might not have anything compared to us, but your love is complete.”

This is one of my favourite chapters in this arc, because of all the drama that goes on.

In the previous chapters I felt like it was just Levi and Mae, and everything was revolving around them, so I thought it was becoming kind of monotonous and boring. Which is why I've tried to add more characters this time.

Also I hope no one is surprised by the fact that Mae didn't know about Levi's past yet. (I think that was one of the main reasons for their misunderstandings, because she didn't know of his background yet)

(If anyone is wondering, then Mae will start talking things out with Levi after this, as she is slowly realizing her faults as well.)

So yeah! I'm excited to hear your thoughts, opinions, feedbacks. As always I'm open to criticism as well. (don't be shy lol)

I hope you enjoyed this chapter as much as I enjoyed writing it.

I'll see you soon with chapter 20!

Taglist: @keijikunn @evas-leslas @leviackermanmyhero245 (message me if you want to be added)

11 notes · View notes

levis-coffeecup · 1 year

Text

Chapter 18 | Stand Still

WC-4.0 k

Content/Warnings

canon- compliant, canon-typical violence, descriptions of PTSD, grief, depression, heavy angst and themes, strong language.

Author's note:

Hi everyone, this chapter is out now, because I had it ready and proof read in my drafts for so long. Chapter 19 will be out by Sunday night, most probably lol.

I've gotten a little lazy about posting songs to listen to while reading the chapter. (For this chapter in particular I don't even remember the song I wrote it to.)

But yeah do let me know if you're reading experience is incomplete without the songs (or if you don;t care about them.) Your feedback (of any sorts) always makes me be better.

Anyways I hope you like the chapter!

Chapters

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22

Masterlist | Playlist | Other Works

DEC 846

The temperature is getting colder, and the sun is drowning under the horizon. Another day is close to its end, and an exhausted sigh escapes Mae’s lips as she looks over at the orange sky.

Her eyes are shutting close with tiredness, and her back aches from the hard cot she has to sleep on. The air has gotten icy, and she wishes she could make herself a warm cup of soup and take a day off for once.

2 hours more, she tells herself.

2 more hours before she shuts the clinic and heads to the tavern.

The clinic she sits in is quite big. Beds are stacked, running along the wall. And three desks are placed in the center, with some significant space between them all. It’s where the doctors sit.

And usually, there’s one patient resting on the bed as well.

But none of Mae’s coworkers are here today. There’s no one on the bed. The clinic feels cold and she feels lonely. It’s one of those days where she really misses her parents.

And she hopes someone drops by to distract her from the pain, because she's tired of re-reading the same book again and again.

Luckily for her, knocks do resound on the wooden door. It swings open, and a lady limps inside, keeping all her weight on one foot as she drags the other forward.

She looks quite young. Probably in her mid-twenties. And Mae is quick to get distracted by the big bouquet of roses in her hand.

“Hi doctor.” She smiles warmly. And Mae gets up, helping her to the closest bed.

“Hi, how are you doing?” She takes the bouquet of flowers from the lady’s arm and places it on one of the center tables. And then she helps her take a seat on the bed.

“Thank you so much, doctor… My name is Ella, by the way. It’s my first time here.”

“Hi Ella, I’m Mae. Tell me what’s wrong? What happened to your leg?” Mae says, as puts her stethoscope around her neck.

“Oh! Silly me, slipped on some milk I dropped while cooking…, it's probably nothing. But, Joseph, my lover insists I need to get it checked,” Ella blushes. And then timidly she says, “he’s so over the top isn’t he?”

And Mae frowns, Ella’s words leaving bitterness in her stomach.

She puts the ends of the stethoscope in her ears. “We’ll check the basics first, your heartbeat, your blood pressure… close your eyes please… and take a deep breath.”

And Ella follows, closing her eyes, and taking in deep inhales.

Yet all that Mae’s eyes can focus on are the love bites splattered over Ella’s neck. She flaunts it in her sweetheart neckline dress.

Even her skin has this glow, that only loves sparks. Envy pricks Mae’s heart.

And she knows that Levi is busy as hell. She knows that he hardly finds time for himself, and she also knows that she isn’t dating an ordinary man who can make her his world.

She’s dating a man who has already dedicated his heart to humanity first.

But she’s still dating him. And once in a while, she does want to do all the lovey dovey things that couples do.

Once in a while, she’d like to feel like he actually cares for her a tad bit.

She focuses her attention on Ella’s feet, pressing her fingers into her sole, then her heel. Trying to figure out the problem area. “Does this hurt?”

“Not really.” Ella answers.

“How about this?”

“It feels alright.”

And then she ends up pressing her fingers way too hard. Ella winces, and Mae looks down, apologetic. Her pent up frustration bleeds into her professional life as well.

“I’m sorry,” she murmurs in shame. Her fingers move upward, applying pressure on Ella’s ankle. She remembers to be gentler. And she knows she’s found the problem area, when Ella shifts in slight discomfort.

Mae jots a few words on her notepad, and brings back a concoction from the medicine cupboard. She works on Ella’s ankle, massaging it a little, and wrapping it up tight, in some gauze.

“It’s a sprain. I’ve applied some salve on it and wrapped it up, and here is your prescription.” she says, as she rips a page from her notebook. “ Be sure to clean up and re-apply the salve once everyday… I know walking is possible, but not recommended. And don’t put too much pressure on that foot obviously.”

“Thank you doctor.” Ella flashes a genuine smile.

And usually Mae keeps her patients company and talks to them until they leave. But she doesn’t want to talk to Ella.

She’s bubbling with the type of excitement that only new love brings. And Mae doesn’t want to hear any of it. So she politely nods and turns away, planning to sit in the farthest corner, with a medical book, to make herself look busy.

“Doctor, could you get me my roses please, I want them next to me” Ella calls out.

And Mae swivels, trying hard to swallow the miserable feeling in her heart.

Her walk towards the bouquet is rather slow and dreadful, and she can only wince, when she sees the take care, sweetheart note, hidden between the roses. “Must be good… to have such a wonderful relationship.” She says, half with desire, and half with bitterness.

“Yeah! It is…It’s just been 2 weeks, and I already feel like he’s the one.”

And Mae looks down at the other ground, the fabric of her dress, crunched between her fist.

There’s a sinking feeling in her heart, that she can’t escape.

It's been more than a month since her and Levi have started dating, and they haven’t hugged, they haven’t been out on a date. Heck! They haven’t held hands yet. The only thing that has been remotely romantic, is the pecks she leaves on his cheeks every now and then. And even that stays unreciprocated.

And she wonders if there is something wrong with her?

She doesn’t want Levi’s money. She doesn’t care about his title. Her happiness has always lied in the smallest of things. Like a single compliment from him, and just a feeble attempt to intertwine their hands together. But Levi doesn’t give her any of that.

He continues to be his usual blunt self, and it hurts. It hurts because she cares so much about everything he says.

It’s always her, who shows up to his office. It’s always her who has the urge to meet him. It’s always her, who wants to spend more time with him. It’s always her……Never him..

She even knitted a blanket for him so that he could stay warm in the coming winters. And all he did was say thanks, and not even look at her for the rest of the evening.

And her mouth runs dry, as she looks at the gleeful smile on Ella’s face. There’s a trivial urge to snap back at her. Bare her teeth. And wipe that wretched smile of her lips. Time ticks at a suffocating pace, and no one has ever been able to make Mae so agitated.

The absence of Levi’s love weighs heavy on her shoulders. And she wonders if she’ll ever get an ounce of the love she pours out?

Somehow she manages to hand the bouquet with human decency. But just as she’s turning around, Ella bothers her again.

“Also do you mind, if I wait here a little longer, Joseph is coming to pick me up. He dares, I don’t walk by myself.” she jokes off.

And Mae plasters the fakest of smiles on her lips. “Yeah of course.” she says, with an overbearing sweetness. “Take care, Ella… I hope you heal and never have to come to a hospital again.”

━━━━━━━━━━━━

The bar is musty as usual.

And Levi sits at the worn out tables. Scrunching his nose at the putrid smell of alcohol.

It’s 8:00, Mae’s shift starts any moment now. And patiently, he sits, eyes trailed on the door that leads to the kitchen.

He has missed her. All the meetings, the training, the paperwork, it’s so monotonous. But meeting her, even though he meets her everyday is colorful. Filled with sparks and flying emotions.

It's the same person he’s seen for years before, his tutor, his first friend on the surface. And he doesn’t understand how his heart suddenly flutters at the sight of her, even when he’s so familiar with her face, with her voice, with her finger tips.

And once again his heart picks up its pace, as he sees her come out of the kitchen.

She does her job wonderfully well. Moving from table to table with grace, and engaging with the customers with a smile plastered on her face. Beautiful is too weak of a word to describe her.

But exhaustion lays heavy on her shoulders.

Levi can see it in the way she drags her legs, and in the dead look her eyes hold. He sees the way her collarbones pop, almost protruding.

When did you last eat, he wants to ask her.

He raises his hand up, wanting to see her closer.

Come sit next to me, make yourself at home. Let me take the weight off your shoulders

Deep down in his heart, he knows that he should leave her.

Erwin’s words still ring in his head. They have left him paralyzed, unable to feel nothing but guilt when he sees her.

He feels stupid for asking her to be with him.

And he knows, he’ll never be able to give her the kind of life she deserves.

He’s not good with love, he’s not good with emotions. He has nothing to provide for.

But it’s her.

And with her, he can’t help but be selfish.

He’s lost her once, losing her again will rip his heart to pieces and torment his brain. She's too dear to him.

And as much as he is proud of her. He hates to see her like this, working tirelessly, unhappily. It shames him to know that it’s him who landed her a job like this. That he’s the reason for all the troubles in her life.

Only if he had been more gentler, only if he hadn’t messed up, like he always does.

“Mae, you’re man’s asking for you.” Raz teases, and Mae looks over to see Levi sitting with his hand raised.

By now every single person in the bar knows his order. He’s been coming here for 4 months, everyday.

And she walks into the kitchen, and tells one of the chefs to make some black tea. The meet with her last patient still brews in her head. The bouquet of roses, the love bites, it's all fresh in her mind.

And Levi senses her displeasure as well. Reading her face has become something he’s proficient in. “You doing okay?” He asks quietly, as she places his tea in front of him.

She smells of medicine and healing herbs. And if he was courageous enough, he would place his hand over hers.

“I’m alright,” Mae bites back all her complaints. She’s quick to place his tea on the table and saunteer away from him. Finding the tenderness in his eyes suffocating, when she compares it to how harsh his actions seem.

The night passes as usual. Long and uneventful. Soon the crowd starts clearing out. Raz bids her farwell and Levi steps outside, waiting for Mae.

It’s late, and the streets stand empty, devoid of all people. It’s silent all around. And Mae joins him in silence as well. Not a word exchanged, not a smile on her face.

And in silence they move ahead.

Levi zips his coat higher as the still air makes his skin run cold. His breath fogs in the air and he licks his chapped lips as he treads forward, “You’re warm?” He asks Mae. More than willing to shed his coat off for her, so that she can have a comfortable walk home.

“I’m alright.” She says, even though her hands feel a little cold. Her gaze falls to his hand, a speck of desire floating in them. She wishes she could hold his hand along the way.

Her frustrations with Levi seem never-ending. And she continues suffering in silence, thinking about what they could have been.

She would look forward to these walks back home so much. They would be the highlight of her day, the reward of all the work she’s done throughout.

Joy would overcome her, and she would feel blissful. to spend even a single moment with him.

But now she can’t help but overthink every single Levi related decision she has made.

Her dream of being with him still remaining a dream, because even though they are lovers, he hardly treats her like one.

“Did you get a dress to wear for the wedding?” Levi asks, a futile attempt to make a conversation. He likes to hear her voice, and the childish tone that grips it when she’s excited.

“Oh yeah, Ivan’s wedding is just a month away now.” She recollects. “ I’ll probably not… I’m trying to save up and it's not like it's my wedding and I have to look pretty anyways.”

Levi clicks his tongue in response, and Mae grimaces. Once again the person she wants attention from doesn’t give her any. She wishes he’d tell her that she’s pretty exactly as she is. She wishes he’d tell her that he wants her to look pretty for him.

And even though she walks stiff and silent, her unhappiness is piercing and loud. Levi can only pray that he’s not the reason for the distaste on her lips.

“You look so tired… You should stop overworking yourself. I can give you some money instead.” He comments. I hate it when you work so many jobs , he means.

“Do I look bad?”

“Like shit.” He talks with his usual bluntness.

Her insecurities sky rocket. Sometimes she wonders why she even tries so hard to manage everything. Her eyes flicker away, blinking away the tears that form against her will.

“You don’t have to be here everyday, I know you're busy, and obviously 4 hours sitting in a bar is a huge waste of time for you.” Bitterness leaves its traces in her tone, and the silence that falls next feels like a harsh slap to Levi.

He worries about her, he wants the best for her. And he wonders where he’s going wrong.

“Mae…” his voice trails off, softening. “It’s not about me, it's about you.”

He hates the state she’s living in. He hates all the jobs she has to do just to make some money.

And he doesn’t know how to tell her that her condition reminds him of the type of life his mother used to live.

And he feels like a failure, giving a harsh life once again, to the woman in his heart.

Of course, it is inconvenient for him to take out 4 hours from his day to do nothing… But it's much more than his inconveniences.

To him, it's the only way he can profess his feelings to Mae.

And meeting her is the only thing he looks forward to, in his entire day.

“I’m not with you to take money from you Levi… I don’t think I’ll be able to respect myself if I do so.” Her voice pulls him back to the impending conversation. It's the same answer that she’s repeated a hundred times before.

“Okay,” he sighs, defeated. And he wishes she could see things from his side instead, And how it's him that made her quit her good old job at the Survey corps and landed her in this shitty position.

They trudge ahead, nevertheless. Silence stirs into the moment, seeping into their relationship as well.

The barren trees that stand tall against the wind, disappear and heaps of garbage replace them. The colors are gone and the streets are musty. The houses are gray, made of metal sheds, and rusted in some places. And the smell of sewage overpowers everything.

Mae’s home lies in the inner areas, where things only get more disgusting.

Levi’s face turns into a grimace. And Mae takes in a breath, on the verge of breaking apart.

What has her life turned to? It seems like a never ending tunnel, with no source of light waiting at the end.

She misses her parents, but they’re far dead. And she misses the bond her and Levi used to have, but Levi seems indifferent.

And just as always, she keeps it all within herself, all her problems, all her frustrations. When things are uncertain, she shuts herself off instead of speaking about it.

It’s what she did, when he started ignoring her back in the Survey Corps, and it’s what she’s doing now as well. By pushing her desires down her throat. Snatching their strength, and barring them mute.

And Levi hears her silences, he senses her displeasures. And he wants her to tell him what’s hurting her, even if it's parts of him that are at fault.

“What’s up with you today? And please don’t tell me that you’re alright… I've known you long enough to know that you’re not…” Levi tries once again, hoping to encourage her to speak up. For a moment their hands touch and Mae’s eyes glimmer.

He’s right. He’s known her for three years now. In fact he’s the only person alive who's known her for that long. Leaving Mr. Mendes and Ivan of course.

Levi and her have been through so much together.

And yet, the entanglement between them feels so fragile. Like it will break apart with the gush of wind.

It was so much simpler before. Casual head pats were thrown around. She would thoughtlessly poke his cheek and talk to him for hours. They would cook together when they had days off.

He even wiped out food stuck below her lips once, because it was deeply bothering his inner clean freak.

But he doesn’t do any of that anymore.

He doesn’t ruffle her hair anymore. He doesn’t cook with her anymore. And sometimes he even hesitates to sit next to her.

She comes to him, all happy and excited and he sits quaintly silent, busy with all the paperwork he has to day. She dresses up, braiding her hair, and outlining her eyes, attempting to look pretty for him, And he doesn’t even notice.

He is her lover, the person who is supposed to keep her first. The person who only has eyes for her. The person who is supposed to love her the most. And yet she feels so uncared for.

Being in a relationship has never felt this one-sided.

“Do you love me Levi?” Her voice frays, cracking on the edges. It's a cry for help. Her call for re-assurance. Sometimes she really feels unworthy of him. And she prays that he admits that he likes her, at the very least.

But the question renders Levi speechless. He is unprepared, and his heart is lodged so deep in his throat, it forces him to be silent.

“I mean… I do find you more tolerable than most?’ he stutters out after a while, unsure.

And Mae’s eyes flit down, filled with disappointment.

What kind of answer is that? Someone tolerable? Is that all she is to him?

The spiral she’s falling down into isn’t unfamiliar. It's the same that she spends hours in. Her mornings begin with whether he loves her. And her nights end with crying about the unfortunate state of her relationship.

Time runs slow, as it drifts into slumber.

Levi’s steel gray eyes are trained ahead, his lips slightly parted. And Mae’s heart starts fluttering again as she looks at him. Levi walks like the wind, and she flies like the sand behind him. She hopes she doesn’t lose herself in the process of loving him.

And she tries her best to contain the moisture in her eyes. Unable to take this pain of being so close, yet so far from him. Of being his lover, yet not even feeling like his friend

She has never loved anyone the way she has loved him. It is so self consuming. Like drowning deeper in a pit of water, and doubting whether somewhere at the end, things will be worth it or not. And sometimes the water feels warm and fills her with hope, yet sometimes it is cold and she shudders in how deep she's stuck.

Because Levi is what she thinks of when she wakes up, and he is also what she thinks when she dozes off. And at one point in her life, all she ever wanted was for him to get his tea shop, because all she ever dreamt of, was his dream coming true.

But that was wrong. And she can’t spend her entire life leeching on someone else's goals. She has to be a little more independant, a little more responsible for her own happiness.

And now she knows that if things feel bothersome in the relationship, she will leave. However heartbreaking it might be.

Because if she doesn’t look after her heart, then who will?

If only she knew that Levi sits rigid because of his loud head, that questions every action he takes. Doubting everything he does, because he doesn't know how to be romantic. He doesn’t know what to do with all the love that Mae pours out at him.

And he still doesn’t know what to do with this feeling of loving and being loved, because he is so unused to it. Mistakes are all he’s ever made. He’s afraid he’ll hurt her again.

And they walk ahead, in tandem. Like 2 parallel lines, never meant to unite,

The familiar exterior of Mae's home finally comes to sight. It’s depressing, a small metal shed, stacked in between two thin walls, but for now, it seems more comforting than standing next to Levi.

Their journey ends before they could unite. The candle flame blows off before it could flicker. And Mae looks towards the gate, longing to get away from her unloving lover.

Her mind, her heart, her body are tired.

She’s been working so damn hard. Without a single break, on minimum wage. But even after all this work she’s doing, life feels so unfulfilling. There’s nothing rewarding, and she still has no one to come back to, leaving herself.

Slowly she turns to face Levi, with a subtle frown pulling on her lips.

“Goodnight…” Not a single peck, not a single smile. Her eyes fall to the ground, fearful that the tears might spring out.

And she is convinced that Levi doesn’t want her. And he’s only not voicing it out because he's afraid to hurt her feelings again.

Because he still sees her as the weak and sensitive girl, who let him hold her by her collar, and couldn’t say a word in return.

And Levi looks at her fading figure with his lips downturned, missing the warmth of her lips that blossoms on his cheek when she pecks him.

Hi guys, I hope everything is making sense so far. (no plot holes or questions in your mind... I'm hoping lol)

This chapter was more about what's going on between Levi and Mae on an individual level. I'm sorry if this chapter was a little boring, but I promise that things are going to start moving pretty quick

One of the problems I had with the previous chapter (17-20) was that it never showed how hard Mae's life had become, as she was tackling two jobs at once. And also there was hardly any focus on her being a doctor. So I hope I'm at least tackling that.

Other than that, as always I'll be very happy to hear anything you have to say (criticism, comments, opinions about the newer chapters being better or bad)

I hope you have a great day/ night ahead.

Taglist: @keijikunn @evas-leslas @leviackermanmyhero245 (message me if you want to be added)

7 notes · View notes

levis-coffeecup · 1 year

Text

Chapter 17 | The Ocean in between

WC-4.6 k

Content/Warnings

canon- compliant, canon-typical violence, descriptions of PTSD, grief, depression, heavy angst and themes, strong language.

Author's note:

Heyyyy guys, it's been so long!😟I'm getting a little emotional as I type this... uploading a new chapter again, feels so nostalgic. And I'm really really sorry for keeping you hanging for tooo long.

I don't know how many of you are still here, but I did manage to re-write chapters 17 to 20 (with a better plot in my opinion.) And a well deserved book and life update awaits at the end of the chapter!

Some of the scenes remain quite the same, in the new chapters as well. If you've read them before then I recommend you just skim past them (they only have minute dialogue changes). For this chapter the first scene remains the same, but the 2nd and 3rd scene are quite different.

The themes and the challenges in the coming arc, obviously remain the same, because the characters haven't changed. But things unfold a little differently. You'll spot the difference as the story progresses. (Mainly the plot for the arc has changed, but the essence remains the same.)

The song for this chapter is Christmas Tree by V.

I hope you like it. (And please do let me know about any grammatical errors you've found. I'm really sleep deprived🤡🤌)

Chapters

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22

Masterlist | Playlist | Other Works

NOV 846

“Humanity’s Strongest, huh?” Raz says as she looks down at her strawberry milkshake. Fiddling with her straw and stirring the drink again. Then she pops the straw into her mouth, and slurps loudly. “So do his muscles flex with his every movement?”

“RAZ!” Mae exclaims as an embarrassing red starts to fill up her cheeks, “he doesn’t walk around the house naked!”

“Oh…that's boring,” she drones out in a bored tone. And she remembers seeing that short man, dressed in a cloak, always sitting at the corner in the tavern. She remembers how his gaze would be stuck on Mae, and how he would show up everyday.

And he still shows up to this day. It feels like nothing has changed, except the now cordial behavior of both parties towards each other. “So when did this happen… between you guys?”

“2 weeks back,” Mae mutters as she looks down at her drink to hide the smile that forms on her face, as she remembers how this past month has passed by.

With Levi getting pastries for her every alternate day, and having tea with her in her room, after her shifts at the tavern.

Something in him changed when she spoke to him the other day, something in him made him take the initiative. And no longer was he the awkward, inexpressive man who would follow her back to her room everyday.

Instead, he started walking with her and asked her about her day.

And then one day, in the daunting sunlight he came to her doorsteps. “I want to live without any regrets as well,” he said, with his cheeks beet red. And Mae was sure it was because of the feelings that he was trying to express, rather than the scorching afternoon heat.

He fiddled with the hem of his shirt, and shied away from meeting her gaze. Then his stomach grumbled, and she looked away, a little embarrassed of the measly cup of plain rice she was planning to have today.

She still offered him to have lunch with her though. With hesitance in her tone. But he just simply nodded his head left and right, as he said, “ I'm not the one struggling with money here.”

And how could she say no to the thoughtful man in front of her, who was trying to keep her needs in front of his. How could she not discard the few doubts in her head, when she had been a witness to how caring he had been to her the past few days.

She had to give him a shot, she had to give this relationship a chance to spring. She knew it.

“2 WEEKS BACK! And you’re telling this to me now?” Raz’s squeals, breaking Mae’s trail of thought.

“Y- yeah… “Mae stutters, “I was still accepting the fact that w-we… we are lovers now… It's quite hard to believe, you know?” Deep red settles on her cheeks, and Raz lets out a hearty chuckle, as she sees the lovesick condition of her friend.

“Oh god! Look at you Mae,” she squeals. “Reddened , and sporting his olive green coat as well.”

“T-This, “A soft smile settles on Mae’s face, as she leans into the palm of her rested arm. “I stole it from Levi so that he comes to meet me today.”

And Raz can see the adoration that fills her eyes when she speaks of him. One day, she would like to interrogate Levi as well, to see how he is and what his intentions are.

But she also knows that it isn’t needed, because Levi’s intentions are clear as the daylight.

It's clear that he loves her, and all he wants is the best for her. Even when times got tough, he was ready to keep his feelings aside, and let her slip away and marry a man he thought would make her happier.

“You get red just at the thought of him.” She hums, and then her gaze falls down. “Just don’t forget me amidst all that goes on between you and your lover.”

And Mae puts her hand forth and places it on her, sensing her fears. There was once a point in both of their lives, when they were the only ones for each other.

They even lost their families the same way. In that cruel Reclamation mission. But while Mae tried to save her parents by collecting money, come what may. Raz’s parents used every single penny in their savings to get their daughter out of the mission, and sacrificed themselves.

But the end was the same, they were both left all alone and family less.

Mae didn’t know there had been so many people who had suffered the same fate as her.

And even though she has Levi as well now, Raz just has her, and so she makes a resolve to still prioritize Raz and make her feel important and loved as well.

“You don’t have to worry about me forgetting you at all.” Mae smiles, as she squeezes Raz’s hand. It's a sweet comforting moment for both of them. They’ve come far from where they once were.

“By the way, do I look alright?” Mae asks out of the blue, as she tucks in a few strands of hair, behind her ear.

And obviously the lack of sleep, due to all the jobs Mae’s working still shows its effect on her. But no one can deny the glow on her skin, and the way her eyes light up when she thinks of him.

It just feels like the kind of love that is so much more than physical attraction and lust.

And Raz can’t help but grin at the question. “You look beautiful in olive green”

Mae grins, hoping she can pull out a compliment from Levi as well today. “Thanks Raz.”

“So what do you guys do after your shift ends?” Raz’s eyes glint with amusement. “I’ve seen you leave the tavern with him… do you bang each other in a secluded corner of the city?”

“RAZZ!” Mae squeals, Eyes wide and eyebrows raised all the way up. “That is so inappropriate.”

“Doesn’t mean you guys don’t do it.” she smirks

“W-we don’t do anything like that… he just drops me home. And for your information, we are taking the relationship pretty slow… very slow. So slow that it would be boring for you. Because it's a big step for Levi to even get into one, so I don’t want to bombard him into anything.”

But a teasing smirk still rests on Raz’s face, thoroughly enjoying how coy Mae has turned at the topic.

“I mean we are so busy, so it's not going to happen anytime soon” Mae continues on, ”On weekdays he drops me off and that's all, and on the weekends I always go to meet him, and he makes me tea and that’s all. And well we haven’t even…kissed each other yet… even though I want to, really badly.”

And Raz giggles out loud as she sees the seriousness on Mae’s face. ‘Well, I hope you get your kiss today then?”

━━━━━━━━━━━━

The air feels cold and Levi wraps his olive green cape around his shoulders, to keep himself warmer.

Mae’s taking longer than usual. The wait makes him nervous, and so does the thought of meeting her. And he can’t help but drum his fingers as he stands in front of her door.

The distant sound of her footsteps falls on his ears. His posture straightens, and he swoops his hair behind his ear, making sure everything is alright, as he braces himself to face her. The woman who makes his heart feel fuzzy with her mere existence.

“Levi!” The door creaks as it opens. And in front of him stands Mae. Wearing his Survey Corps cape, with her hair tied back in a decorative braid. And black kohl outlining her warm brown eyes.

“We’re matching,” she blushes, and she coyly looks to the ground, unable to match the intensity of Levi’s stare. She hopes she looks as close to perfect.

And Levi stands awkward. Voice lost in the influx of nervousness, and the beauty of the moment. It's one of the times where he finds himself a little too mesmerized by how things have turned out for him.

The only thing he finds himself capable of doing is to stand and stare.

“Won’t you come in?” Mae’s brows furrow at his stillness. And after a second’s wait, she takes his hand, and pulls him inside. “I read something interesting today, it's about this thing called the ocean,” she gushes as she makes him sit on her cot and then plops down right next to him.

A book lays half open on her pillow, and she picks it up and turns a few pages until a big hand drawn illustration opens up. ‘The ocean’ it’s labeled. And wide and expansive it stands. Stretching to the skies, and running through the horizon.

“Apparently it's all water, and not just regular water, but salt water. Isn't that crazy?” Her enthusiasm radiates in waves that would deluge any normal person. It's infectious.

“Salt is so rare and expensive for us.… And the ocean is soooo big that it is only a little smaller than the sky. And it’s said that a million other organisms live inside it…. Live inside the water? Doesn’t that sound impossible.” Mae rambles, in her stupor. And Levi closes his eyes, trying to visualize what she is saying.

It's hard.

The space between them is miniscule. He can smell her lavender scented lotion and feel the warmth of her skin.

The distance between them is miniscule. It's the only thing he can focus on. And yet he wants to erase it, and press his side body to hers, so close that no force of nature is able to rip them apart.

And when his eyes open and find hers, he feels like a small boatman, lost in the ocean of her love.

It’s overwhelming. It’s intimidating. And he feels weak in front of her.

She’s his paddle, his guide in this new universe he’s immersed himself into. He has to cross her, he has to reach her. But she’s also the storm in front of him.

How will his delicate boat reach her shores?

“Is everything alright?” Mae places her hand on his cheek, cupping it. “You’ve been quiet, Levi.”

His hair is perfectly gelled. So neat and tidy, she wants to card her fingers through it and mess up how perfect they look

His slate-gray eyes, she sees perfection in them. Moments spent with him don’t seem to follow the rules of time. They fly.

Her heart pounds in her chest. And all she wants is to smash her lips into his.

The moment draws. There’s desire in her eyes and nervousness in his.

Mae’s question still hangs in the air. And all Levi knows is that if he would have had two hearts, he would lose both of them to her.

He opens his mouth and closes it. The fluttering in his stomach is almost dizzying.

“I-I’m in a h-hurry,” he mutters. It's the only thing he could think of, to save himself from the thoughts he can’t seem to voice out loud.

And Mae’s eyes fall to the floor. Disappointment heavy in them.

These are the only words he has said to her, ever since he’s come here.

“Oh… ,” she mutters, making herself small. A part of her wants to ask him to stay, but she doesn’t want to beg. And so she starts taking off his cape, that's what he is here for anyways.

The next couple minutes unfold in silence and stillness. Mae’s eyes flicker everywhere, unable to look at Levi’s figure.

She wants to talk to him more, but he wants to go. It makes her feel unwanted.

And Levi gets up, as soon as she places his cape in his lap.

There’s an invisible string between them, pulled taut with tension. A distance that grows larger and desires that have been left unanswered.

The sound of the door being pulled opened sounds painful to Mae’s ears. And she racks her brain for anything mildly interesting that would make him stay even a second longer.

“Ivan is getting married in two months,” she spouts out of nowhere. “...I’ll be traveling to Mitras for a few days, to attend the wedding.”

It's not any of Levi’s concerns but it's an event nevertheless, she thinks.

And Levi does turn around, an eyebrow raised up in seriousness. “You’ll take the ship?”

“No… a public cart probably… I don’t think I can afford the ship…” Mae trails off, and his lips turn into a grimace. He imagines her squished in the small cart with other people, traveling on bumpy roads for hours. The public cart is the slowest transportation of them all.

“I can pay for the ship…the public cart will take about a day, you know that right?” He urges, voice stern yet protective. “And it's an uncomfortable journey.”

“It's okay Levi… I don’t want to suck money off of you.” Mae smiles, the love in her heart slowly rekindling.

Their eyes meet, like the groundedness of the earth and the unruly current of water. Eye contact unwavering. And Levi knows she’s not backing down anytime soon.

“Fine then,” he sighs. “I’ll come with you.”

And at that, Mae isn’t able to contain the smile on her face. “Really?” she gasps and her face softens. “You’ll make time for me?”

Warmth starts seeping into Levi’s cheek. What he feels for her sprouts up in full force, and it shows on his face.

“I-I h-have to. Don’t trust you to not get yourself into trouble,’ he responds as he turns his back to her and sets a foot outside. Trying his best to act unbothered.

And his demeanor raptures her entire heart. From the way he stutters, to the burning blush that spreads from his cheeks to the tip of his ear. She feels like she’s gotten everything she needs.

“Wait,” she jolts up in excitement, and bolts towards him. “I need to tell you something… it's a secret.”

“We are all alone, you can tell me about it.” he states, back still towards her and eyes fixated ahead.

And he gulps, as he hears the sound of her footsteps. They seem to have synched with the steady increase of his heartbeat.

“NO… it’s… it’s embarrassing. And what if someone with hearing skills like yours hears it?”

And he lets out a heavy exhale as he turns to face her. She’s standing on the door sill, just a step away from him. “G-o ahead.”

She takes a step closer to him, and stands up on her tippy toes to reach his ear. Placing her hand on his shoulder for balance. And he stiffens as he feels her breath tickle his earlobe.

Her rose tinted cheeks are only a few inches away. And his heart beats so loud at the moment, he’s sure she can hear it.

“So….” Her voice trails off, and Levi’s patience wears thin.

For a moment her breath stills against his skin, and then a peck lands on his cheek, and for the first time in years, Levi is slow to react. He is slow to come back to his senses, and the hand that reaches up to the spot where she pecked him and remains there is slow as well. The only thing that seems fast is the way his cheeks turn beet red.

And slowly his flustered face turns into an annoying scowl. And now he looks like a kid who's pretending to be angry, with his cheeks puffed and a pout on his face.

Mae starts to step back, away from him with the dorkiest smile on her face and her hands behind her back.

“Oi, y-you b-b-brat.” Levi tries to speak in a demanding tone, as he steps towards her. And laughter ripples from her chest as she quickly closes the door in his face.

And as she leans against it, keeping her hand on her gushing heart, she can’t help but think about the feeling of his skin on her lips.

So much planning and plotting for a single peck.

But with Levi this is all she gets. These small moments and these subtle touches.

_____________________

Warmth still blossoms on Levi’s cheeks, as he sits in Erwin’s office, attending a meeting about the water issues the Survey Corps faced last summer.

Lauda and Dirk from the Logistics squad, sit opposite to him. Reading through a few reports kept on the table. The moonlight shines through the windows. And the sound of fallen leaves rustling plays in the background.

It’s the season of fall, but spring blossoms in Levi’s heart. Involuntarily, his hand reaches towards the spot where Mae kissed him. Her lips were there, just an hour ago.

The red on his face still hasn’t disappeared. He doesn’t understand how easily the thoughts of her distract him, even when she’s nowhere near him.

No one’s ever been so close to him.

And the cloak he wears smells like her now. It feels like her presence has washed over him. And weirdly he feels like wearing it instead of the newly washed one kept in his closet.

And he doesn’t understand how easily she makes him happy, just by her smile.

A pen drops to the floor, its metal cap rattling against the wooden floor.

And Levi blinks awake, straightening his posture, and focusing back on the meeting. Even though he does deem it unimportant.

“Because this castle is in the middle of a forest the only good source of water we have is the river.” Lauda urges.

“And the river is seasonal,” Dirk adds. “ We’ll end up facing the same water shortage, this summer, we need to build pipelines, if we want to stay here.”

The river… Levi thinks to himself. It was where he first met Mae.

All of a sudden all the foolish scenes he’s read in romance novels are playing in his life as well.

The butterflies in the stomach, the limitless joy, and the desire to just be with her… It has all come alive and painted his life in vivid colors. And he’s convinced that one of the characters has come alive and haunted him as well.

And as horrifying as that sounds he doesn’t have many qualms about it.

“But building pipelines will take up most of our budget. And this is an old castle, it’s going to be hard to cut through the stone.” Erwin interjects. “What do you think Levi?”

“Mhm.” Levi hums without thinking. Mind still lost in the miraculous unfoldings of his life.

“Levi!,” Erwin calls again.

And Levi snaps, startled. Eyes widening for a millisecond. Hastily he wipes off the smile on his face, and replaces it with a much suited frown.

“Are you doing okay, Captain.” Dirk asks, “You look distracted, and your face has turned red.”

And Levi can only clear his throat awkwardly, clearly caught off guard, and unable to utter a coherent sentence from his mouth. “Y-Yes.. you can go ahead.” He crosses his arms, and speaks with sternness.

“What we are proposing is, either we build pipelines to the water canals that run through Jinae. Or we shift headquarters because this water problem isn’t going away if we depend on the river.”

“The water has always been a big problem during summers.” Levi deducts, trying to be resourceful. “And this castle is old and worn down, there are quite a lot of things that don’t work well… Do you have any particular location in mind that fits our budget?”

“Yes, there is… Exactly why we brought this up now. It's the perfect time.” Lauda says, as she shuffles through her file. She pulls out a map, and spreads it on the center table. “It's in the eastern region of Rose, in the Karanes district.

Levi’s brows furrow. The suggested place is quite far from Jinae. And the Trost gate is what they usually use to step out for any mission.

Yet the water shortage was quite a problem last time.

A lot of training sessions had to be pushed back, and the horses were sent to the local stables, to protect them form the intense summer heat and the risk of dehydration.

“Well, I’ll have to go and visit the site first, before I land on a firm decision.” Erwin concludes. “But thanks for the input, Lauda and Dirk, the meeting is dismissed.. If you could hand me those papers please.”

“Of course commander, “ they salute and head off. And Levi gets up as well, preparing to get back to his quarters and catch up with his paperwork. But much to his dismay, someone stops him.

“Levi… Stay back for a moment.” Erwin calls out and Levi tenses.

And slowly he turns behind, the frown on his face, apparent.

Erwin points towards the chair in front of his desk. And with the sly expression playing on Erwin’s face, Levi knows that some shit is brewing in his head.

He groans. It reminds him of the insufferable talk sessions he had with Erwin, when he started at the Survey Corps.

But what choice does he have anyways? So he curses under his breath, and sinks back into the chair, with his arms folded.

“So I guess you’ve started dating then?” Erwin breaks the ice. Placing both his elbows on the table, and leaning forward. An eyebrow raised in mirth “How long has it been?... 2 weeks I’m guessing?”

“Pft, what?” Levi lets out a groan, attempting to act appalled. “What the fuck makes you think so?”

And Erwin smirks, like the know it all he is. Which means he’s going to stick his nose into Levi’s business, until his curiosity is quenched. “Your handwriting has gotten sloppier, I find you smiling more often. and have you ever seen the expression on your face? Its-”

“Cut it “Levi glares, partially embarrassed. “You’d better shut your shitty mouth if you know what’s good for you.”

Silence settles, yet amusement still rests on Erwin’s features, it tests Levi’s patience in every way.

But he loses, and heaves out an exhausted sigh. It's tiring to act so stoic and grim when his life has become so beautiful all of a sudden.

For the first time in his life, he feels grateful to have something.

For the first time in his life, things have happened the way he wanted them to.

She chose him, despite all the times he messed up. She chose him over everyone else. It makes him feel special. It makes him feel worth something more than the war. And the glee can;t help but show on his face, however uncharacteristic it might be.

And Erwin wistfully smiles at the condition of his friend.

Never had he imagined, he'd get to see the rebellious underground thug, so soft and flustered. And empathy resounds deep in his sky blue eyes as he softly admits, “I once loved a woman too, you know… She was beautiful, as smart as a fox.”

And Levi leans forward, evidently interested now. Never had he thought a man like Erwin would find any value in love. “Where is she now?” He asks forth, curious.

Erwin’s features soften, gaze turning tender, and eyes almost pained. “She’s married to my friend in the military police… Living a comfortable life in Rose.”

And Levi’s brows arch up in realization. It all makes sense now… the letters Erwin sends to Nile Dok, even though he hates his guts. “Don’t tell me that friend is that Bastard… Dok.”

“Sadly, it is.” Erwin hums, getting a little lost in thought. “I was friends with him once, we were in the same training batch… Fell in love with the same girl.”

And Levi’s features soften,

He’d seen Mae with Ivan countless times. And he’d seen people tease her about their marriage. And even though he’s lived through Erwin’s pain for just a few months, it was still pure torture.

Sometimes, he swore that he could physically feel his heart break into two.

“Well her loss, for choosing such a dumbfuck,” he mutters, attempting to console his commander.

“Wasn’t her choice Levi… it was my decision.” Erwin’s voice frays. “I could never give her the life she deserved, and I-I loved her way too much to want a life like that for her, where I could die any moment, and leave her a widow… You know how life is with us, we never know which mission will be our last.”

And Levi's eyes widen. The cherry blossoms in his heart, slowly withering as guilt seeps into his mind.

As always Erwins speaks the harshest of the truths. And Levi will never be able to keep Mae above his duty and he'll never be able to give her the type of life he wants for her. Either she leaves him disappointed, or he dies and leaves her devastated.

And he feels the building tightness in his throat, as he sinks deeper into the chair.

How did he not see that this relationship is sure to turn into a tragedy as well?

And how did he get so lost in his emotions, and forget the theme that has played all over his life.

The atmosphere darkens, turning rather tedious. And the shift in Levi is something Erwin notices too. “I didn’t make you stay back to discuss all this depressing stuff.” Erwin mutters, a little stressed himself . “I- '' he hesitates. “I just want to ask something of you. I hope it's not something way too big.”

And Levi looks up at him, his eyes still conflicted.

“As the commander of the Survey Corps, I can only hope that you still continue to do your best. And I can only hope that you can keep your mind over your heart. Your logic over your emotions. And I can only… request you to keep your duty as a soldier over everything, because that’s what’s necessary for humanity.”

A barrier stands between them now. One of formality and power.Do you regret letting go of your love? Levi wants to ask, but he also knows that he isn’t ready for that answer yet. Especially when he already struggles to not regret so many things.

He’s being pulled into two ends, right at this very moment. The words said are tearing his mind apart. Shredding his sanity to pieces.

He just can’t picture giving up on something so precious to him.

But in the end he knows what the right decision is and of course it's painful.

And pain is not something new to him.

Pain has taught him discipline.

The emotionlessness starts seeping back into his features. Jaw clenching hard, and eyebrows slightly furrowed in their usual disapproval. And Levi’s face turns stone cold, as he flatly mutters, “Of course. Commander.”

My one year exchange in New York is almost close to its end (I know it's been sooooo long.. I'm sorry.)

Its basically a 2 year degree squished into 1, so the workload is really a lot. And even though a lot of months have passed by, I haven't been able to write as much as I though I would.

I'm done with chapters 17 to 20, so for the next 3 weeks, I'll be posting regularly. The next chapters are all halfway done, so I was thinking of uploading a chapter whenever I'm done with them (not regularly on a specific schedule). What do you think ?

I promise that I'll not leave this book unfinished. But I don't know how long it will take anymore. And I don't want to compromise on the quality.

Also I've had to take a lot of breaks while writing, so please do let me know if there is any change in the quality, or any suggestions to make my writing better.

As always, I'm open to any constructive criticism and feedback.

Thank so much for being so patient with me and this fic. And thank you for reading as well!!!

Taglist: @keijikunn @evas-leslas @leviackermanmyhero245 (message me if you want to be added)

8 notes · View notes

levis-coffeecup · 2 years

Text

Turning Page | Levi. A

Summary

The underground is filthy and dark. Dim lights, dull alleys, and desperate hearts. A place Levi knows as well as the back of his hand, and a place he would do anything to get out of.

But life on the surface seems tougher amidst all the mockery, civilities, and the gaping hole left in his heart, after the demise of his dear friends Isabel and Furlan.

Content/Warnings

canon- compliant, canon-typical violence, mostly pre-canon, spoilers for No Regrets OVA, descriptions of PTSD, grief, depression, heavy angst and themes, strong language, self-hate, physical assault, death.

Author's Note

This story is purely self-indulgent. And it has stemmed from my desire of Levi being doted over, taken care of, and being supported and loved through all the tough times.

This is a Levi x OC story, but I have tried to keep my OC as relatable as possible.

My OC is a civilian, and she's not super pretty and this is not going to be a love at first sight kinda story. It's a slow burn and the build-up is going to be long. She's shorter than Levi, and she is fair (canonically everyone in paradise is of caucasian descent). And I'll mention her eye color in a future chapter, but that is all.

Her body type, hair, nose shape, etc, are left open for imagination. So feel free to imagine yourself as her if things fit right!

The story starts just after Levi has lost Isabel and Farlan, so his age would be around 27. And by the time Trost gets attacked he'll be 32.

There are going to be frequent time skips (usually one-month gaps) because I'm only going to pen down events that actually progress the relationship. So do check out the date in the start of the chapter.

Also, I already have the first 12 chapters ready by now. So I'll be posting them regularly, every Sunday. Thanks to @someonestolemyshoes for proofreading and helping me with this fic.

You can message me if you want to be a part of the taglist!

AO3 | Wattpad | Playlist | Other works

Table of Contents:

Chapter One

Cookies on 25th of December | WC-4.7K

Chapter Two

Blood, Sweat, and Scattered Pages | WC-5.5k

Chapter Three

Social customs and cravats | WC-4.0k

Chapter Four

Lost innocence | WC-5.3k

Chapter Five

Olive Cloaks and Helpless Eyes | WC-6.5k

Chapter Six

New Moon Night | 4.9k

Chapter Seven

Cleaning Party | 5.1k

Chapter Eight

A Fight and a Fall | 6.6k

Chapter Nine

The Beginning of Something New | 5.5k

Chapter Ten

A Mess of a Mind | 5.1k

Chapter Eleven

Proposal | 4.2k

Chapter Twelve

Broken Tea Cups | 4.2k

Chapter Thirteen

Silent Rains | 5.4k

Chapter Fourteen

Hopeless Fools | 5.6k

Chapter Fifteen

All that is lost | 9.9k

Chapter Sixteen

Sun Rise | 6.0k

Chapter Seventeen

The Ocean in between | 4.6k

Chapter Eighteen

Stand Still | 4.0k

Chapter Nineteen

Tangled Threads | 6.3k

Chapter Twenty

Through the Storm | 6.3k

Chapter Twenty One

Carnival of Life | 5.1k

Chapter Twenty Two

Lovesick | 3.9k

@LEVIS-COFFEECUP 2022. Do not copy, repost, or translate any of my works without permission.

173 notes · View notes

levis-coffeecup · 2 years

Text

Chapter 16 | Sun Rise

WC-6.0 k

Content/Warnings

canon- compliant, canon-typical violence, descriptions of PTSD, grief, depression, heavy angst and themes, strong language.

Author's note:

Heyy guys,

I'm back. This chapter takes place the next day after the next chapter. And the song for this one is Chasing Cars - Sleeping at last

After this chapter I'm sure to take a month long hiatus from publishing for sure, because I am very unhappy with the recent chapters and it takes me time to write well, and I really don't want to compromise on quality. I'll keep you guys updated on what's happening behind the scenes and when I'm planning to upload the next chapter through tumblr and wattpad. And to all the people on ao3 who would want to be updated please, drop down a comment, so I'll give you the updates below that comment.

I hope you guys like this chapter! Happy reading

Chapters

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22

Masterlist | Playlist | Other Works

OCT 846

The sunlight slithers through the gap in the curtains, intruding into the room. Falling straight on Mae’s face, and prying her to leave aside her beloved sleep.

She squints her eyes open, and the first thing she notices is how everything is left searing hot, in the beam of light that filters through. Painting harsh shadows and bringing forth every detail and imperfection.

But the place she’s in is immaculate. And this room is nothing like the meager, dull room she calls a home.

Everything is spotless white. The bed sheets, the curtains, the pillow covers and the blanket. The mirror doesn't have a single smudge mark and the familiar smell of freshly done laundry hangs around.

But her head hurts, her body aches and she feels heavy. And all she wants to do is fall back to sleep again and not give a shit about which room she is in and who it belongs to.

Groggily Mae turns her head towards the smell of laundry, and she finds a familiar clothing rack, with freshly cleaned clothes hung right next to the opposite wall... Her dress hangs on it as well.

And that’s all it takes for her to spring up to action

She gets up and darts towards the mirror to see what she’s wearing. And her eyes widen as she sees Levi’s gray, V-neck and black trousers hanging on her frame. Fuck, everything here smells like him. Even she smells a little like him.

An irritated sigh escapes her mouth, as she clutches on to her head and she makes her way back to the bed and flops down again.

She’s in Levi's room, and Levi’s probably outside, on his desk as always.

And she wants to groan so loud in disappointment, but she can’t because Levi might hear the sound and dart into the room. She wants to pee so bad, but she holds it all in, because opening the bathroom door, means more sound. And her stomach grumbles in hunger, but food? Levi was never one to keep snacks stacked in his cupboard.

Every part of her body seems to hurt even more now. But still she gets up and rests her back against the bedrest to find a way out.

The window is out of the box, because she isn’t jumping 3 floors down. And Levi does step out for 10 minutes, and goes to the mess hall to grab his lunch. But how is she supposed to figure out the time without any clock?

And it's a Sunday, which means no training, no meetings, only stacks of paperwork for him.

So how the fuck is she supposed to go past him without him noticing?

She looks around, biting her nails in nervousness. Then her gaze lands on the side table next to the bed. And the glass of water and note kept on it.��

You were drunk, and you didn’t want to go home, so I bought you here. And I didn’t change your clothes, you did it yourself. Also if you have woken up, then please do come out and don’t be sitting in the room, thinking of how awkward this is going to be. Or of all the dumb shit you did yesterday, because you’ve always been quite an overthinker like that, and I know you must be hungry.

-Levi

Her face softens a little, at the note he’s left by her side. He didn't change her clothes and that does give her some kind of reassurance.

It was really sweet of him, that he listened to all the dumb shit she was spouting yesterday, and brought her to his place instead. And he respected her wishes, even when she was in a state where he could easily shut her up and do whatever was more convenient for him.

He kept her safe, and he’s also asking her to come out and have some food maybe?

But the thought of facing him is nerve-wracking, because yesterday she wasn’t in a presentable state. She was messy and ugly and she has no memory of what happened after Levi caught her puking her guts out in the washroom.

Her stomach growls again and she really wants to brush her teeth.

And pee? She doesn’t even want to think about it. But she'll hold it all in, than make any noise and risk Levi coming in.

So she goes back to resting on Levi’s bed again. Tossing and changing positions. But sleep doesn’t come to her, not with all the thoughts that crowd up in her head.

Minutes feel like hours, and irritation begins to overcome her senses. Until knocks resound from the door, and she gets up startled.

“Mae,” a soft voice filters through the wooden door. “Are you up yet?”

But Mae remains speechless, overwhelmed by the weight of the situation.

Oh god! He is here, and there is no way she can avoid him now. Her actions yesterday must surely be embarrassing, and Levi probably thinks she’s a stupid, annoying loser or something.

Defeated, Mae sighs and falls back into the bed. With her back towards the door so that it's easier for her to pretend like she’s sleeping.

There's a moment of silence, and then a voice comes in again, “Mae I’m coming in.”

The door clicks open, and she closes her eyes shut at the sound. Levi’s footsteps pound closer, and as they get louder and louder, Mae recognises the distant smell of fresh strawberries and whipped cream that floats in the air.

And as much as she wants to avert herself and show her back to him, she is also curious about what he’s here for.

So she catches the pieces of her courage and turns around.

Levi is standing next to the bed frame, with the softest look on his face.

And as soon as she meets his gaze, all her apprehensions and insecurities fade away. All the embarrassment in her mind flushes away, because she can see it in Levi’s eyes. That he’s not here to judge but to help.

Her eyes then dart towards the tray in his hand, that he places on the side table.

“I… There’s some water, have this pill… it might make your hangover better…” Levi says, but Mae hardly pays any attention to his words.

For her gaze is captured by the strawberry pastries kept just beside the glass of water. Topped with whipped creams and strawberries, just like always. Her favorites, she hasn’t had them in so long. And she props herself against the bed rest as she longingly looks at them.

“Oi,” Levi snaps his fingers in front of her. “You can have the pastry later…First, I got a toothbrush for you, so brush your teeth… you didn’t brush them yesterday night as well… And your dress must have dried off, you can c-change that a-as well… if you w-want.” The sternness in Levi’s voice melts away by the end of his sentence and his cheeks start turning red again.

And Mae wonders as she looks at him, that maybe he has garnered feelings for her as well.

Yet, wordlessly she gets up, unsure about whether to thank him for his help or to just treat him, in the cold manner she usually does, when she’s not drunk.

She steps into the bathroom. And now that Levi’s isn’t here to distract her, the dull atmosphere sets forth the searing pain in her head, and the fatigue in her body

Every action feels like a drag, seconds feel like minutes. And finally, after what feels like an hour, she lumbers into Levi’s office. Shoulders wilted and body still heavy from exhaustion. And her tired eyes roam around to find Levi seated on the couch, with the pastries kept on the ottoman.

Levi takes notice of her presence as well. And his eyes widen as he sees Mae, dressed in the skimpy uniform she has to wear at the tavern. But even in his flustered state he is quick to take off his cloak and hand it to her, just in case she feels uncomfortable with all the skin show.

And Mae decides to take it, because she is so tired of shivering under the cold, yet not taking his jacket because her pride tells her not to.

“What time is it?” She mumbles as she drapes his cloak around her shoulders and takes a seat on the couch.

“It's 3 in the afternoon… you didn’t have work today, did you?”

Mae’s expression mellows down at his words, despite the painful throb in her head. At least he isn’t calling her job slut shit or something offensive like that. He’s respecting it, and he should because god knows that being a waitress in a tavern is tricky even though it hardly requires much skill. “No… Sundays are off days for me, both at the clinic I’m working in and the tavern.”

The room gets silent once again. But the silence isn't like it usually is, it is stifling and suffocating. Heavy with the unspoken words and thoughts that run rampant in their heads, but are caged in the confines of their mouth.

“M-Mae, I-I have s-something f-for… you, “ Levi sputters as he takes an envelope out of his pocket. And her eyes slightly widen as she sees her name written on it, in his beautiful cursive handwriting.

“I-I wrote y-you something…. But please don’t read it now in front of me… It's r-really e-e-embarrassing… Read i-it when you go home, and t-then… forget about it and trash it into the dustbin.'' Red gathers to Levi’s cheeks once again, even darker now.

She extends her hand forward to take the envelope from him. And she looks up at Levi as his fingertips brush against her skin. His touch lingers there, and Mae knows all too well by now, that things like this aren’t accidental.

But for once Levi doesn’t hesitate. He remains there, lost in the warmth of her skin and the familiarity that overwhelms him.

And after months, do they finally look into the color of each other’s eyes that they have by heart. And even though awkwardness still floats around the room, they aren’t able to take their gaze off of each other.

Alas, the moment is broken. Mae’s stomach grumbles and shyly, Levi averts his gaze away, as he picks up the pastry from the ottoman and places it on her lap.

And Mae blinks heavily as looks at the pastry in front of her. Head still drowsy and throbbing in pain. She stabs the fork into the pastry, and lifts it all up to her mouth. But the piece is so big, it hardly fits.

She tries to push it all in, but only ends up creating a mess, with all the cream that gets smeared on her lips.

“I’m so hungry…is it normal to feel this hungry after drinking?” She grumbles out, after she swallows the big chunk in her mouth.

“Usually people are puking their guts out and shitting all over the place.”

“I must be special or something then,” she says sarcastically.

“You are.” Levi mutters, and it’s only when the words fall out of his mouth, does he realize what he’s done.

Mae’s eyes widen. She stuffs some more pastry in her mouth until her cheeks are full and then awkwardly smiles at him.

The room gets silent again, and as much as Mae averts her gaze, Levi stares at her blatantly. Without any knowledge that you aren't supposed to look at the other person when things are getting awkward.

“You were drunk… and you didn’t want to go home, so I bought you here… It would keep you safe.” Levi sheepishly mutters as he scratches the back of his neck.

“Oh” Mae plainly exclaims, not letting out the warmth spreading in her heart seep through her words.

And silence settles again, full of averted gazes and filled with the melody of Levi tapping his heel on the floor, due to his anxiety.

It’s always been Mae who continued the conversation, and asked him questions. But now, she sits quietly. Visibly tense as well and longingly staring at the door that leads out of his quarters.

And verbal expression has always been hard for him, but the questions in his head are torturing him. And he wouldn’t let her leave without trying to voice them out.

He has to do it, for his sanity at least.

“I’ll take my leave then… Thanks for your help yesterday and today.” Mae pushes the empty pastry plate away and gets up. And in an instant Levi’s hand latches forward to her wrist. Almost too quick for even him to process his own actions.

His eyes widen, as Mae swivels around at his touch. And she stands frozen as her gaze meets Levi’s and the tenderness in his eyes.

He’s looking at her as if he still wants her. As if he doesn’t want to lose her. It makes her feel that maybe they still have a chance, as dim as a flickering candle against a gust of wind, but a chance nevertheless.

“What?” She questions.

And Levi’s gaze flits down and his mouth runs dry at her words,” s-sit… please.”

For some reason he always looks vulnerable when he’s around her. His face is as stoic as ever, but it can be seen as clear as the daylight in his eyes. So soft and quelling with emotions.

As if a statement she says will render him weak and harmless. And if she decides to break him then he will have to fall apart into bits and pieces.

But still, she hesitates as she sits down. Because she doesn't want to take a chance once again, just for him to tell her that she never stood one in the first place.

“Is your husband treating you like shit?” Levi asks in a low voice.

“What husband?” Mae immediately questions, and Levi's ears perk up as he looks up at her a little dumbfounded. “Ivan, obviously.”

“Oh… I didn’t marry him.”

“You didn’t marry him.” He mutters the statement more to himself, and suddenly everything falls into place. The place she’s living in, the clinic she’s working in and all the extra work she does at the tavern.

Obviously the Survey Corps never paid enough. The house she used to live in was sold, and the clinic she used to work in has now turned into a bakery. And so she had to rent a new house, and find a new job. And tackle all those expenses with her savings.

“WHAT THE FUCK? ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID?’ The atmosphere turns heated in a moment. And Levi’s frustration is clearly visible on his face. A stable future, a comfortable life and a good family, it all has slipped away.

“Yes I’m a big one for liking you in the first place, if we are here to discuss me being an idiot then I’ll take my leave.” Mae speaks passively and Levi gets silent as he listens to the truth resounding in her words.

His body tenses and his gaze falls back to the ground once again.

“I know I’ve lost quite a lot by not marrying Ivan. I’m living in a small room in the poorest section of the town. I'm working at a cheap clinic and working 2 jobs, yet, I hardly have enough money. It's stressful and I don’t get enough sleep most days, but at least I don’t feel guilty about the decision I made.”

And Levi’s self esteem shatters all over again ad he realizes that he's the reason for the life she’s living as well. That she wouldn’t have left the Survey Corps if it wasn’t for him.

Mae looks at him, waiting for him to say something, but he doesn’t. And maybe he’ll never respect her for the decisions she takes, to him they’ll always be illogical and stupid. But in her heart she knows that the decision she took was right, and to her that’s all that matters.

She gets up at the lack of his response. Ready to step out and head back to her room. But once again Levi's arm reaches to grab her wrist. And his hoarse voice is quick to reach her ears as he mutters. “Do you regret being a part of my life?”

She turns around, frowning at the question. And as Levi looks into her eyes, he instantly releases his grip on her wrist. ”I’m sorry…I-I’m sorry, I d-didn’t mean to ruin everything. I- I just thought I-I knew what was best for y-you… b-best for u-us, and acted upon t-that, b-but I- I was wrong…”

And as Mae watches him break into shambles, she realizes that in this moment he looks like a little child who’s too scared to lose his loved ones. Who’s too scared to fuck up. Who’s too scared to disappoint anyone.

“What we had was beautiful Levi, and even though the end was tragic, it doesn't diminish the beauty of the moments I spent with you. And even though you aren't a part of my life anymore. Those moments will be something I'll learn to cherish forever.”

“Sorry… sorry.” His gaze falls on the floor again. His shoulders wilt forward and his tone gets lower as he asks, “why would you not marry… Ivan?”

And Mae sits beside him again, a little closer this time. After all, she has also known what it's like to struggle in the current of your emotions. And she isn’t inhumane enough to let him of all people, struggle all alone.

“I thought it was unfair to him. Ivan was a good man, he deserved someone who loved him wholly… And I couldn’t do that when I… harbored feelings for someone else… And you must know that I don’t regret that decision one bit. Yes, things are hard. Mr. Mendes is gone, his house is sold, and I had no place to stay… But one day when I save enough money I’ll shift to Trost and buy a pretty house of my own there. It’ll be a new city, and start a new life for me.”

“Oh... Sorry.” Levi mutters again. It looks like he doesn’t even know what he’s apologizing for at this point. And if she’ll ask him what he’s sorry for then he’ll probably say everything.

And she sees him struggling, face wincing, words stuttering.

And in her eyes Levi has always been so perfect, but seeing him in a state like this, so vulnerable and exhausted. So weak and apologetic, makes her think that maybe sometimes the ever confident man in front of her also struggles with a low self-esteem.

That maybe he also has thoughts that make him feel shit about himself. And some days even he hates himself.

And if there’s one thing that Mae has learned through the rough 3 months since she has left the Survey Corps is that there is no point in hating yourself. Because your body, your heart and your mind, are all parts of you. And not some enemy that has to be defeated.

And on so many days, Mae has struggled herself, to find a single reason to love herself.

But there was no hand stopping her from falling into the familiar of self criticism. And there was no person telling her that she was loved when she would look into the mirror and voice out all the things she hated about herself.

And so Mae places her hand on his shoulder, just so that he knows that he isn’t alone in his struggles.

“Levi, I still like you… heck I still have feelings for you. And I know I’ve said this months before, but this time it's not a confession that needs an answer. It’s a statement… Because my feelings for you were never my weakness. They were my strength, they showed me how kind, forgiving and understanding I could be, even when my pride was hurt multiple times. It showed me how good of a person I could be… I never knew I was capable of such goodness. One day I hope I can treat everyone in this world that well… including myself.”

“And well, obviously things aren’t ideal for me. I have feelings for a man who I don’t even know fully yet. But I think it's all about making peace with where you are, and realizing that this version of yourself, however bad it may be, might never come back again.”

And Levi still remembers all the things she told him yesterday night. About her being lonely and everything feeling worthless.

And he doesn’t need to look up at her to see the way her skin looks lifeless, and how her hair is falling due to so much stress, that she herself hasn’t made peace with the situation she is in.

That she is preaching against things, she herself falls prey too. And at the end, she’s trying hard to love herself too.

He feels her gently pat his shoulder once again, and he feels his body relax under her touch.

There's a certain tenacity in the moment, a certain vulnerability in her voice, and a certain warmth in her touch, that Levi thought he’d lost forever.

And as he looks up at her with eyes full of hope, he sees the way the afternoon sunlight catches all her features.

The color of her skin turns golden. And the breakouts, and patches of scalp that show due to her hair loss, are so much more evident, detailed with shadows. But most of all, the sunlight sets aflame her blazing eyes. It brings alive the details of her. And whether good or bad, they are hers and for that reason solely, he will always find everything beautiful.

Because in her he sees a warrior. Someone who wants to learn and grow and trip and fall. But never give up, despite the conditions. And in her, he finds the courage to unabashedly own up to her flaws and features.

Because she is light, that brightens up the darkest of rooms, and her beauty lies in her ability to see the best in every situation. And if anyone, then she doesn’t deserve to feel bad about herself.

“M-Mae… I- I like y-you too.” He finally manages to push the words out of his mouth. Because now he knows how deeply his own words affected her. Now he knows that his words are lodged so deep in her heat, like a knife that makes you bleed even with any minor movement.

And his heart breaks to see her hating herself like this.

Mae freezes at the words before her eyes slowly widen. Her eyebrows raise all the way up, her cheeks turn rosy. Playfully she slaps his forearm to hide her flustered state. “And you tell this to me now? 5 months after I confessed to you? Huh?”

And Levi gulps as he sees her trying to hide her smile. But it’s so bright, like hiding the afternoon sun behind a small cloud. That in no way can cover the intensity of the sunlight.

Because I’m scared to lose you. Nothing good ever lasts with me, and even the thought of losing you shatters me to pieces..

And you are the bright flame of the candle that dances along with the wind, and I am the filthy moth who gets attracted to the flame. So am I even allowed to be with you? Am I even allowed to touch you?

“Hey,” her touch breaks him out of his reverie. And as she scrunches her eyebrows and cranes her neck in a questioning manner, Levi knows that he has to give answers. That he can’t be closed off and give her the silent treatment once again.

“Tch,” he clicks his tongue in annoyance. “Because I don’t know how to do this shit… Cuddling someone and leeching onto a person and telling them everything, yuck all of that sounds so gross I- I can’t. And it’s scary getting a-all vulnerable and …”His voice trails off, and he pauses, hesitant to speak any further.

But in that millisecond everything clicks for Mae.

The way Levi stutters when he speaks the words in his heart, and how he usually never says anything about him at all.

In the way he’s way too harsh, but also soft enough to hand her his napkin whenever she cries. And in the way he walks around like he’s the most confident prick around, but how his shoulders wilt now, heavy with self deprecating thoughts.

That he isn’t what he puts on. That he’s been hurt before. That Humanity’s Strongest has lost before. And perhaps, in him as well, is a little child that is scared to love.

“Look Levi, nothing comes with the assurity that it will last forever, Life is changing and everything is temporary…And maybe someday your feelings for me will fade. Or someday distance will come between us and we’ll be worse than strangers. But nothing can undo the rush of my heart when I meet you now, or how euphoric I become for the smallest things you do. And nothing can undo all the happy memories we make and all that we learn from each other… And just because things will end one day, won’t we ever experience them itself?”

And he looks up at her, eyes glimmering with hope yet darkened with a tinge of uncertainty. “B-but Mae… I don’t k-know how to do this.”

“Levi… I'm not forcing a decision on you. I’ve had time to think this over and reflect over what I did and what you did. And now I understand myself and what I want so much better… So you can take your time as well... And I’m not expecting us to be together after all of this. I’ll make peace with whatever will happen in the future, just like I’ve made peace with the fact that I’m not over you just yet. All I know is that I’m going to grow and come out a better person after this. And after so long, I am finally fine with the thought of being all alone... And in my life, I want to be light, and I want to live with no regrets… So I'm going to give a shot to everything that comes my way.”

A minute passes by, and yet Levi sits still, contemplating all that has been said and happened today.

The conflict brewing in him is visible, in the way he sits, With his shoulders tense, and gaze stuck to the floor. And Mae looks at him, as he remains lost. Lost in the fears of his past and the doubts that never seem to drown.

She understands the thoughts that are running through his head. And what he needs now, is some time alone. To think over what he wants, what he needs and what is better for him.

And so, she throws Levi a final glance before she says, “ I’ll take my leave, then.”

“Do you want me to drop you home?” Levi answers immediately, breaking out his stupor.

“No, I’ll be alright… thanks for asking,” she flashes him a tight lipped smile. ”And thanks for taking care of me yesterday night… I’m sure I must have been a pain in the ass.”

Levi throws her a weak smile in return, and as he sees her walk away through the door, he sees that she’s stronger than before. And she’s not the woman who would be desperate for a single second with him anymore.

Mae lets out a sigh as she steps out of Levi’s quarters. And even though her head still hurts despite the medicine she took an hour before, she feels light. Like a leaf that would fly away with the gush of the wind. Light, because she is ridden of all the thoughts and troubles that she’s been carrying with her forever.

And with a bounce in her step, she is quick to make her way to her dear friend, Hange.

The door to Hange’s quarter’s is wide open, and she yells “ Hange, are you free right now?” as she steps in.

The sound of books falling to the floor bursts from the neighboring room. And a minute later, Hange comes out with dust on their jacket, and hair messier than ever.

“I was just about to dive into this book, but since you’ve come all the way here, of course I’ll speak to you… So, Levi problems again, huh?” They wink at Mae as a wide smile spreads across their face.

And Mae pouts as she looks at Hange. “Yes, you guessed it right again.”

“I knew it!” They chime, as they start winding up their messy quarters, and Mae takes a seat on a chair and opens the envelope Levi gave her.

It's a letter, filled with scratches and smudge marks caused due to the sweat that seeped Levi's palm when he wrote it. It's damn clear that it was written in a hushed manner, a last moment decision maybe.

Dear Mae,

I have never done anything like this… this letter shit and stuff. But I think it might help you, and I hope it doesn’t sound too corny.

As I write this, you lay on my bed. Deep in sleep and peaceful. And I find it ironic that it's almost the first time in months I’ve seen you look this peaceful.

I know I’m a reason for the state you’re in now. I know I fucked up and I probably shouldn’t even speak to you anymore. And for good, you’ll leave tomorrow and things will go back to how they used to be. With you being cold to me. But if there’s one thing I would tell you then it this is it-

You need to start being more confident in yourself and who you are. And you need to know yourself well enough that you don’t get swayed by what someone else says about you.

And most of all you need to stop keeping me on a pedestal, and thinking of me as more important than your own self.

And I am not coming at you with this in an insulting way. In a way, I completely understand why you are the way you are. It's quite reasonable actually.

I was the only person with you, after the death of your parents and your friends. And so you clinged onto me. In a way, I became your everything.

Once I was like that too, left all alone, with the only person I had ever known dead beside me. And then someone stepped in, and took me away from it all.

He was the only person in my life, my savior. And in my eyes he could never do no wrong.

And I tried to match up to his expectations, to be the kid he wants me to be. I would do things I didn’t like, just to make him proud.

A few years later, he left me, and for so long, I felt that something was wrong with me. And maybe something is wrong with me, but that's not the case with you, I’m sure.

Sometimes, I see so much of me in you.

And you need to learn to survive all alone. Because at the end you are all that you need, and I’m saying this from experience. Because this world is cruel and amidst all the commotion you can’t be weak. You need to be strong for survival.

And I’m sure one day, there will come a guy, who will treat you right, and love you the way you want to. But before that you need to learn to find happiness all alone.

There is immeasurable strength in you, and you may not believe that now, but it is true. Because we only see how tough we are, when the only option we have is to be tough.

And no matter how you feel about yourself, you are still cared for. Hange cares for you, Raz seems to care as well. And well, I’do as well.

The things between us will never be the same, and it's because of me that the situation is like this. But I’m always going to wish you the best, and we may not be friends anymore but I'll always be there to help you with anything you need.

And Mae, don’t let anyone tell you that you are not pretty. Not an enemy, not your husband and not me. Because you already are beautiful the way you are, and nothing anyone says or does can change that fact.

Levi

A tear rolls down Mae’s cheek, and the widest smile spreads on her face. Levi is bad at communication. He is glum and blunt, as other people say he is, but for some reason he never fails to make her smile. And once again she has smiled, a genuine smile after so long.

“I love him so much Hange, I still do… I really do.” Her voice quivers, and another tear escapes her eye. But this time its a tear of joy.

Because Levi is trying. He is trying to break out of his shell and he is trying to do things that make him uncomfortable.

And for the first time in two years he’s finally telling her something about himself. He’s trying to break all the walls he built due to the hurt in his past experiences.

He’s trying and he is trying for her.

Hange watches Mae with a twinkle in their eye. The tears in her eyes are gone, but the subtle smile on her face doesn’t seem to disappear.

And Hange grins at the sight as well, as a certain experience runs through their head.

It's Levi, with his knees on the floor, and his hands clasped. Sitting in a begging position in front of them

“Hange, please tell her to go away from that place, she doesn’t understand the danger of men and their lust yet… A-And I don’t have the time to look after her everyday… You know how busy it is as a captain… Please just, just convince her somehow, I’ll do anything in return.” His voice cracks and his gaze remains stuck on the floor.

Empathy flocks in Hange’s eyes as they stare at his trodden figure. And how the strong, cold, stoic captain has now crumbled into the man begging in front of them.

“Heyy, Levi… get up,” they say after a moment of silence, as they kneel down next to him. And look into his exhausted eyes. ”Do you trust her with your life?”

And Levi knows Mae too well, to know that she’ll never put his life in any danger, no matter what has happened between them. Nor will she ever use anything he told her against him, because she isn’t immature like that.

And even if someday, miraculously she does tell him to die, it will because he fully deserves it. “I do… I do trust her with my life.”

“Then trust her decisions regarding her own life as well, Levi. No one wants to mess up their life on purpose. Everyone wants the best for themselves. So trust her.”

“Are you sure Hange?

“Trust her.”

“She’ll be alright, right?”

“Trust her.”

And Hange grins sheepishly as she sees Mae, re-reading his letter once again. He loves you very much too.

Okayyy, so with this we finish this arc of this fic and if you guys are wondering about when Mae and Levi will start dating, then in the next chapter they will be dating.

This arc was very challenging for me to write so I would love to hear your thoughts on it. Criticism, open ended plot points? Please do share them with me so I can learn and do better next time.

I would like to elaborate a little on the character journey of Levi and Mae through this arc. (because I don’t know if they are obvious and if they were written well enough)

Ivan and Mae were never married in the first place, and they went different ways when both of them left the Survey Corps

So in chapter 13, in this though of Hange- She is stepping into a new life, and from what she had told them, it is only going to get tougher. Different home, different people. They just hope that she doesn't get more miserable.

Mae’s decision is already made, and that is that she is not marrying Ivan.Which is why its going to become a lot more difficult, because she is all alone, and she doesn’t have much money to begin with. Which is why Mae is now overworking herself ,because she is in desperate need of money to save up and shift to Trost.

And her poor appearance is because she is very stressed,she isn’t getting enough sleep etc, and why she hates staying at her home is because its a constant reminder of the poor way she’s living now

Now about Mae and her development.

Mae has self esteem issues, and that might be something that has intensified since the old man that she failed to save and died.

And with her, she’s always blaming herself.Sometimes she is too harsh on herself.

(qouting a line from chapter 5)Thats the fucking problem, isn’t it? She’s always failing, failing at being a doctor, failing at saving her parents and even failing at putting on a pretense.

Even in the economic crisis in chapter 5,she;s still blaming herself when the circumstances are completely against her, and mostly everyone who is trying to collect money is failing,because of how things are.

( from chapter 13) It’s embarrassing how much she still pines for him. He literally told her to never show him her ‘disgusting’ face again. He lashed out at her, he lifted her up by the collar. Even when it wasn’t her fault.

Then how could her stupid excuse of a heart still want him, when he has spoken out loud, how much he despises her. How could her heart still want her to forget all that he has done, and run back to him. Does she have no pride? Is this how despicable she really is?

Even when Levi becomes rude and intolerable to her, still she ends up hating her feelings for him and how her heart is instead of blaming things on Levi.

So in this chapter when she says my feelings for you were never a weakness. Its an expression that she is starting to see herself in a more positive way. And that she is learning to accept and love herself the way she is.

And through all this time that she has been alone.

So being with Levi is not a need, but a want. Which is why at the end of this chapter she leaves the question open ended. Because she is ready to accept any outcome, (them dating or not). She is not desperate to be with him anymore.

Now moving on to Levi:

Through this arc I really wanted to show how deep rooted Levi’s abandonment issues are. And Levi is gentle and selfless and very caring, but he has also spent more than 25 years in the underground. And both of these aspects are a part of him.

One major thing that changed with Levi through this arc is his belief that with physical strength he can get everything. This belief of his was mentioned in chapter 4, and it was shown once again in how he acted in chapter 12.

(from chapter 14) “You remember the time you told me strength is the ultimate tool one can have to win in life… Well, you were wrong, it's a person’s will that is the strongest because he always has the option to not give in.”

This statement from Mae question his belief and it forces him to think in another way. And it also signifies that Mae isn’t scared of Levi even though he has gotten harsh with her in the past. (Also remember that there is a 5 year time skip between OVA Levi and Levi in the anime, so all these developments take place in between that time period)

Also In the no regrets OVA, Levi tells Isabel and farlan that he isn't letting them come to the mission. And they have to convince him otherwise, but that only leads to their death. And in the OVA levi does have this tendency where he thinks he knows what's best for someone.

And with a significant other, anyone would obviously be even more possessive .

But after all that happens in this arc, Levi really learns to give Mae full freedom instead of thinking that he knows more and he can make better decisions for her.

Thank you for reading! Comments, criticism and feedback is appreciated as always.

Taglist: @keijikunn @evas-leslas @leviackermanmyhero245

39 notes · View notes

levis-coffeecup · 2 years

Text

Chapter 15 | All that is lost

WC-9.9 k

Content/Warnings

canon- compliant, canon-typical violence, descriptions of PTSD, grief, depression, heavy angst and themes, strong language.

Author's note:

Brace yourself for this really really long chapter, because some it's almost 10k words long and idk how.

There are 2 scenes in this one, and the first one takes place a month after chapter 14, where Levi and Mae kinda confront each other. And the second scene is a month after that. (So basically, 2 months covered in this one chapter)

Also I'm sorry, there's been quite a delay on my side. Its 1:26 in the morning which does mean that I'm almost 1 and a half our late and Sunday has already ended. But also the fact that I had been posting in the afternoon the past weeks. (I was in my hostel and we don't have good internet there at night, so I was posting the chapters early, but now I'm back home for a week, so I took my time🤡)

So in short, i'm really sorry if someone was waiting and i showed up 12 hours later lol.

The song for this chapter is lost on you - by LP. I hope you guys like it!

Chapters

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22

Masterlist | Playlist | Other Works

SEPT 846

Cold air blows in Mae’s face, as she wipes the tear that rolls down her cheek. The river streams below the rock she sits on. And the moon is out, crescent shaped today. Shining its light on the clearing in the forest.

She takes in a deep breath as she looks down at the ebbing river. And even though she doesn’t see her reddened face in all the darkness, she doesn’t need sight to know that her face is swollen from all the crying.

She’s doing well as a doctor. The bar is good as well, no man has gawked at her ever since the Levi incident. And she’s not alone, she has Hange and Raz.

Things are fine, and there is no blatant reason to be upset. But she is still crying.

It feels like there is so much sadness trapped inside of her. And she doesn’t know why it's here or how it got here. But she carries it everywhere… And it comes out at random times, in the form of the quaking of her shoulders and the glossy film that covers her eyes.

Her tears feel cold against the blowing wind. The sound of the flowing river fills her ears. And the stars in the sky blur out due to the moisture laced in her eyes.

It's been so long since she’s been here. To her spot, to the place that used to offer her so much solace.

But today, as she sits here and feels the sturdy rock beneath her body, she is reminded of the time when she first met Levi. Days spent sitting under a cedar tree, on the outskirts of the clearing. Giving a mere stranger some space because to her he looked upset.

And now he stands behind the same tree where she once sat. Staring at her instead as she cries on the rock. The tables have turned and life has drastically changed. And there seems no way for things to get back to how they once were. So naive yet spiteful.

September is about to end in a week, And it's almost been 2 months since that day when Levi beat up that creepy customer and created a scene. And since then he’s been coming to the bar daily, he hasn’t missed a single day.

He stays at the bar for her entire shift. From 8 to 12. Glaring at anyone who even looks at her. And it's not just that.

He follows her back to her house as well, and he only leaves when he sees her shut the door and blow the candles off. Resting safely inside her home.

And oh! How hard she has tried to get rid of him.

She left his table uncleaned. Told Raz to ignore him and not serve him anything. She even added salt in his tea some days, and yet he drank it without filing a single complaint to the manager. Without even making a face.

And she’s failing again. History is repeating itself. In the most ironic way. Just like 2 years back, when she was trying to get him out of her spot.

And yes his presence does make the bar a much safer place. Raz feels more comfortable as well. But Mae doesn’t want her stupid heart to throb for him once again.

She wants to forget about him. She left her job, she left everything she had, for this, and now he comes chasing after her. Acting like her bodyguard.

Acting like the man she fell in love with.

Her mind feels heavy with thoughts. And her thoughts are crashing inside her like a hurricane. Messing up everything that stands its way. Her head throbs and she clutches it with both of her hands. Her fingers dig into her scalp and she lets out a frustrated groan.

It's all the same, just like all those days back then. She isn’t able to get him out of her spot and she isn’t even able to get him out of her heart.

And Mae doesn’t understand how Levi is even managing everything? Have his duties as a captain magically reduced? Or does he not need any sleep anymore?

Her mind flashes back to the day after, when she lashed out on him. Weak and miserable, begging for him to cooperate.

It was raining, so hard that Mae thought a storm would come in.

The bar was jam packed, filled with customers and people taking shelter from the rain.

And words couldn’t describe the disappointment on her face, when she found Levi sitting at the same cornered table, with that same damned cloak on. As if she never begged him to get away from, just a day prior.

The rain stalled for a minute. And her feet moved on a will of their own, ignoring all the customers who were waiting for her to come to their table.

She pinched the fabric of his cloak, and dragged him outside the noisy bar.

The streets were quiet and water filled up all the crevices in the cobblestone path. There was hardly anyone in sight, and to Mae this filthy, mud covered street seemed like the perfect place to confront Levi.

Or maybe it was her desperation, her mind that was begging her heart to forget him. And her heart, that was poorly failing. Trying everything in hand to not think about him,

And yet he was here at the bar, acting as if nothing wrong ever happened between them. Acting like she still was his friend, and he still cared.

Mae pivoted around, hand still clenching on to the fabric on Levi’s shoulder. And her face was filled with venom as she sneered. “Why are you here when all I want from you is to not be in my life anymore?”

But Levi was quiet as usual, head facing down and body so still, as if she wasn't even saying anything . It reminded Mae of the day she confessed to him.

And anger seeped into her system, at his lack of response. “LEVI! I’M A MARRIED WOMAN, YOU NEED TO STOP PLAYING THESE GAMES WITH ME.”

Levi remained quiet again. His cloak covered half of his face. And Mae couldn’t see the expressions on his face, but she knew the man in front of her wasn’t the indifferent, cold man who never breaks out of his demeanor.

It was something else, maybe a part of him that he had caged deep within him.

Thunder cackled through the clouds, and it was only at that moment that Levi looked up. Reaching his hand forward towards Mae, that he knows, shudders at the sound of thunder.

And it was true. She had shriveled up, hands hugging herself and eyes wide in a moment of fear.

Her heart was beating faster, and she didn’t know whether it's for the thunder that scared her, or for Levi’s hand hovering over her shoulder.

She never told him that she’s afraid of thunder… it must have been something he observed. And just like always he knew her like the back of his hand. Every fear, every desire and every thought.

It felt like time had frozen. They looked at each other, eyes filled with unspoken words and buried emotions.

One contemplating whether it was wrong of her heart to still beat for him, when she had long decided that she needed to forget him. And the other contemplating whether he was allowed to touch her anymore.

The silence was broken by thunder once again. The rain picked up, even stronger this time. Drenching the both of them whole in a matter of seconds.

But they stood still, lost in time and in the downpour of their emotions.

Mae heaved out a sigh as she pulled her eyes away from him.

She hated herself. She hated herself so much for being weak. For still feeling for a man who had hurt her so many times. Who’s thoughts still made her cry every night.

She turned to his hand that hovered over her shoulder, and forced a grimace on her face. And Levi withdrew his arm back, as his eyes fell back to the ground once again.

“Mae… “ His voice cracked and he took in a breath to compose himself. “Yesterday you told me that it’s a person’s will that’s the strongest… And you were right, because I can only break their bones and dislocate their shoulders, but they still have the choice to not surrender, even if they are in a… horrible condition.”

He looked up at her and a fire reflected in his eyes. “Your life is your own, and at the end you can do whatever with it. You can choose anything from the options in front of you, even if the options are shitty… And I have chosen for myself to stay here. Because I’m not leaving you to work all alone at night…That’s my will. Do whatever you want. I’m not going to let anyone harm you here… and I’m not going to leave.”

His resolve was evident in his voice and Mae’s lips quivered as she took in a shaky exhale.

Why was he here acting like the man she fell for, when all she wanted to do was forget him? Couldn’t he just continue being an asshole and make things easier for her?

Why was he here with his decision to stay, when all she wanted was for him to be gone from her life and her heart?

The rain pattered against her frame, and she was grateful, because it hid her tears so well.

But this was Levi we are talking about. The man who knows her as well as the back of his hand.

She turned around, wanting to be as far away from him as she could. But Levi’s hand was quick to grab on to her wrist. He didn’t want her to leave with a sullen expression like that.

He’s wanted her happy, he’s always wanted her happy.

Her head swiveled, and she looked back at him. Face blank and eyes cold.

“M-Mae, I’ll never hurt you,” his voice cracked.

A painful expression took over Mae’s face. ‘You've already hurt me Levi,’ it said. And Levi’s eyes widened as it told him exactly what she was thinking./ everything about the thought in her head.

“.... physically.” He muttered out, to save himself from the weight of his own actions.

His hand was still latched onto her wrist. It was cold and Levi’s body was always the first to lose its warmth when the weather dropped.

And he was sodden in the rainwater… he could catch a cold.

But Mae wasn’t supposed to care about him anymore.

So she shaked her hand out of his grasp. And walked back into the bar with heavy steps.

Levi has always been a violent man. This clearing itself stands a testament to it.

The first day she went to him, he tackled her to the ground. And the other day in the market, he beat someone up just because they were looking at him?

But there is more to it, Levi doesn't just beat up people for looking at him. If that was the case, then she would have been long dead by now.

Hange says Levi gets violent when he’s angry, annoyed or overwhelmed, sometimes even when he’s stressed. Or when he needs to prove a point.

In a way violence is how he expresses himself. He doesn’t crack under the pressure, he explodes loud enough that everyone feels his rage.

It has something to do with his past, Hange said. He has had it very harsh, they said.

And Mae can’t help but think how brutal Levi’s past must have been, if he believes in philosophies like ‘strength is all I need to survive’?

She lets out a defeated sigh, as another tear slips down her eye.

Why he did what he didn’t doesn’t matter. It shouldn’t matter.

The point is that Levi is a violent man, and she’s known that ever since the day she met him.

So why did her heart manage to discard the things she already knew about him? How did she be so blind in her love for him?

Levi never told her much about himself. Yeah, she knows about all his likes and dislikes, and all his small quirks. But she doesn’t know about his past, she doesn’t know about his parents. Heck, she doesn’t even know his surname.

And the irony is that she doesn’t know him well. But right now it feels like she doesn’t know herself as well.

She looks into the mirror and she doesn’t know the woman who blinks back at her.

Because the woman she thought she was, was cautious. Never a risk taker. Always walking meters away from any danger.

And even though she has always been quite sentimental, a part of her was always rational. Able to decipher the truth between all her emotions.

She knew that the evacuees would be abandoned one day. She knew that she wouldn’t be able to save her parents. Because the odds were against it. And it was the bitter truth that her heart learned to accept the first month after the announcement of the mission itself.

And no smart person offers food to a cat that bites back.

Then why is her heart so hell bent on playing with fire? Why is a part of her so adamant on understanding why Levi did things the way he did?

It's only now that she sees the way she’s latched on to him. The death of her loved ones left a void in her heart and Levi was the quick relief that took all her pain away. And she was so distracted by the rush of her heart that she hardly paid any attention to the void that weakened her from the inside.

He was something she relied on, instead of strengthening her own will. And it's been 4 months since the day he held her up by the collar, but imagining a life without him still feels hard.

It's cold, so cold. Her teeth clatter, and her body shivers. She crosses her arms and places her hands on her shoulders. Trying to warm her body by rubbing her palms.

But the sound of footsteps comes to her notice. They are silent and fast, like Levi’s. And she knows they are coming towards her because of the fallen leaves that they crush on their path.

The footsteps are coming closer but she is reluctant to turn around. For once she wants to be lost in her own world, without any reminder of reality. For once she wants to be left alone.

A coat falls onto her lap . It's the Survey Corps cloak. And the hands that keep it next to her are pale and calloused.

“You’ll catch a cold.” Levi’s voice is gentle. And she doesn’t need to cast a glance to know he’s wearing a thin white cotton shirt himself. Because she’s seen him throughout her entire shift plenty of times already.

Levi stays there for a moment, standing next to her, and staring at the river ahead.

He follows Mae back everyday. And he sees the house she’s now living in. It's despicable, just a single room, with a metal shed on top, in the poorest section of the city.

She’s working as a waitress. Living in a house, smaller than the dorms in the Headquarters.Working at a cheap clinic in the slums.

And all he wants to do is to beat that damned Ivan. He wants to steal all his money and get her settled in Sina. This isn’t the life he wanted for her. This isn’t the life that he distanced himself from her, for.

But he holds it all inside of him. She wants him out of her life and he doesn’t have the right to barge into her life anymore. Not when he himself kicked her out of his.

And he blames himself for the situation she’s in. He should have interrogated that fucking husband of hers personally, and he should have spoken to Mae as well.

He should have taken her thoughts into consideration, before assuming what's best for her.

And he’s so ashamed of himself, that he doesn’t even find the courage to look at her. He failed her, he hurt her. The one person who’s cared for him selflessly. The one person who’s been gentle with him.

But if he did take a chance and meet her eyes, then he would see the sadness trapped in her insides.

Mae shifts her position, so her back faces Levi and he doesn’t see her cry.

There goes her heart beating faster again at the gesture. And there goes Levi, toying with her feelings once again.

At this point she’ll never get over him.

And Levi grimaces, as Mae keeps his cloak on the spot next to her instead of wearing it. An exhausted sigh escapes his mouth, and then he turns around and walks back to the cedar tree.

But he lets the cloak be, on the rock, just beside Mae. Just in case it gets too cold and she changes her mind.

His footsteps fade away and Mae shudders as another tear escapes her eye.

Every time Levi comes to her, the same question surfaces in her mind.

What about her bandaging his hand out of sheer concern made him feel cornered and pushed him into a state of violence?

What about her just trying to be a good friend and looking out for him, got on his nerves?

Was she being too annoying back then? Did he need more space? And did she fail in giving him that?

Because it's so annoying now, when he follows her back to her house everyday. Yeah, his intentions are good and he’s just protecting her, but she doesn’t want him here. She wants to stay away from him.

And she can’t help but think that maybe Levi felt the same way back then as well.

Her father always told her that it's in the toughest times that teach you the most.

And the past months have been so painful, if nothing she wants to learn something from it. She wants to come out a better person.

Nothing in her control is in her life anymore. She’s making money but it's not enough. She has a job but its not stable enough. And the one thing she was sure of that she would do, was forgetting Levi.

And even that seems impossible now that he’s always in front of her.

But the hate she has for him, is a poison in her own heart. And she doesn’t remember the last time she truly felt happy

Her face turns into distaste every time she sees him. And it's sad that she still has so much power over her. Enough to ruin her mood at the mere sight of him.

It's only now that Mae realizes that ever since her parents died she only found happiness in Levi. And he became the source of all her joy.

And it's time she takes control of her happiness. It's time she learns to make herself happy.

Maybe they were never meant to be, but one thing's for sure. Levi’s care wasn’t a pretense. It wasn’t an act he put up just to earn her favor. And maybe Hange was right all along. Maybe he does like her.

But the moment is long gone, and things have forever changed.

No feelings can undo what happened between them.

And she’ll learn to forgive him, but she’ll not let him in her life until he gives her a valid explanation for his actions that day. Not until he proves to her that violence isn’t something he goes to whenever he gets angry. That his violence isn’t a beast that he can’t tame.

The unknown is unfolding.

She doesn’t know where she’s headed, she doesn’t know where she’ll be a few months from now. And she doesn’t know what’s going to happen between her and Levi.

But the stars are twinkling brightly above her, and it reminds her of the words she told Levi on that starry night.

“There will always be so many things that are out of my control, but I just want to keep doing all that I can. I want to stand tall amidst all the chaos and I want to make the most of the limited time I have…”

The things that are happening are out of her control again. And she is trying her best. Once again it's time to make peace with it. It's time to heal.

And she’ll learn to be patient with the heart that she’s hated for so long. And maybe she’ll stumble on the path, make a mistake and flop down. But she’ll get up.

She has to get up.

The water gushes below her, moving through every obstacle its way.

And just like the water, she’ll learn to persevere.

She’ll learn to let go, and be carefree. She’ll learn to be light and to not take everything so seriously.

And she’ll adapt to every situation and find happiness no matter what.

And just like the ebbing water, she’ll go where the wind takes her. She’ll change, she’ll learn and she will have the faith that good things are coming for her.

━━━━━━━━━━━━

OCT 846

The sound of clinking glasses echoes through the illuminated halls of Tipsy Titan Hours. And the once cramped bar, mellows down as the moon rises higher and higher.

Raz glances back, her head whirling and eyes lagging, as she scans across the empty seats and tables for the millionth time. And once again her eyes are quick to land on the quiet table in the corner. ”My vision is hazy, but I'm ssure he's still starin' at ya.”

"...It doesn’t matter anymore.” Mae hisses as the cool metal of the jug meets her sodden lips. The golden beverage promptly washes down her throat, and a burning sensation now covers its trail.

She slams her jug on the desk, and rolls her head back in contentment, "my head hurt-sh... but 'tis feels good, to just forget for some time."

Glasses clink, and in a matter of seconds they are empty as well. Raz pushes herself up again. Hands propping against the stale table as she gets up to bring another beer bottle.

It's around 12. Working hours are close to an end, and perched on the center table are the waitresses, wasted.

Today has been a hectic day. A celebration marking the one year anniversary of Tipsy Titan Hours. Free drinks were served to everyone, and the bar was jam-packed for hours.

But now that roaring crowd has finally dulled, and the workers are free to have whatever they want as well. After all, it's their hard work that has also contributed to the success.

And so, Mae has been spending the past hour drinking. It's not something she would have done a few months back. But she is changing, and what is life if you don’t open yourself to new experiences?

Levi sighs with distaste, as he looks at her empty another mug down. The table she sits on is filled with blotches of alcohol. Fuck that, the entire tavern is so damn dirty, usually it just stinks of booze but today it stinks of sweat as well. Because of all the people who have danced here in their drunken state today.

And instead of cleaning all the shit up, the waitresses lay wasted. Gulping bottle after bottle themselves. Every inch of Levi’s body is telling him to leave and it's taking every ounce of resolve left in him to stay put in place.

Tch, if he knew that his life would end up like this, then he wouldn’t leave the underground in the first place.

He takes his eyes off the musty tavern and looks at the window next to him. Staring at the streets of Jinae, which are empty and quaintly silent.

He just hopes that Mae knows what she’s doing, and she isn’t wasting her life away.

Thoughts of her fill his head again, and he turns his head to watch that silly, drunken lady who captures all his heart.

But he only pots Raz. Mae’s seat is empty and he doesn’t see her around the other tables as well.

Levi's face contorts into a frown as worry swells up in his heart, and in an instant he gets up and marches towards Raz. "Where is she?"

"Uhm... to my left." Raz speaks blankly, and she swivels her head to the left. Only to be met with an empty seat again. "To my right then.”

“Your drunk as fuck," Levi jabs as he turns around and wanders through the dimly lit interior.

And Mae’s name tumbles out of his lips as soon as he spots her through the partly open bathroom door.

She’s on the floor, body hunched over the toilet seat, as violent fits make her lurch forward and empty the contents of her stomach out.

In a breath, he’s beside her, holding her soiled hair back as he stares at her face, flushed and sticky with sweat.

The bathroom is the filthiest of them all, and the stench of the washroom and alcohol, makes his nose crinkle in utter distaste. But more than that, it's Mae.

She reeks. Of sweat, ale, and vomit. And a dark crease runs along Levi’s forehead as his eyes hover over her face. It's a pity to see her in a condition like this.

Her brows are pulled close, and numerous lines of tension are forged between them. And her eyes are shut tight as soft pants leave her smeared, red lips.

And as filthy as she looks, she also looks like she is in pain. And so, his free hand finds its way to her back, rubbing long strokes, in an attempt to soothe her.

Mae looks at him solemnly. And Levi doesn't miss the slight downturn of her lips and how instantaneously her hand grips the wall for support as she tries to stand up.

Only to fall into his grasp once again.

"You can't even hold yourself upright,” he comments.

She throws a wary look his way and tries to free herself from his clutches. But Levi holds her upper arm in an iron grip. ”Don’t act so reckless, you’ll fall to the ground and hurt yourself”

But obviously she doesn’t listen and continues to struggle to take her arm out of his. “Levi,” she squirms as her brows scrunch up in frustration.

And Levi freezes, eyes wide and lips parted in fright. Shit, did he mess up again, was that way too harsh? Did he hurt her… again?

In an instant, he takes his hand away from her and staggers back, caught off guard by the thought and the horrible feeling it brings along.

Mae wobbles away from him, out of the bathroom. Towards Raz, who has dozed off on the sodden table itself. And Levi watches her figure slowly fade away. Because these days, all that he can seem to do is to watch her slip away from him, again and again.

"RAAZ-" Mae extols, raising her arms up excitedly and shaking it side to side, with much vigor. But her loud call hardly seems to rouse the other waitress from slumber.

Her speed increases, and her heel lands on a wet patch on the floor. Her foot slips due to her hasty pace. And Mae doesn't know what surprises her more, her embarrassing fall or the hands that instantly catch her entire frame.

Levi is beside her again, one arm around her waist and one around her shoulder, as he helps her up. And he’s glad that the crowd has completely simmered down, and now it's just him, Mae, Raz and the cashier.

It will save Mae from all the embarrassment she’ll have to deal with tomorrow, when she comes back to her senses.

“Mae, let's go home.” Levi’s voice is soft and imploring.

But she ignores him and continues moving forward. Pace still as fast as before. And it's only his support that’s holding her upright and not letting her topple to the floor. “Mae, you’re going to hurt yourself this way… please… let me take you home,” he continues.

“Leviii,” she drones out, “do you have to be so damn stubborn and persistent all the time… I wanna have fun.” she pouts. And Levi sighs defeatedly as he helps her sit on the tall bar stool.

Raz is asleep right beside her, and Mae's entire attention shifts to her. She pokes and prods at her colleague. Whining like a little child, asking for her to wake up and have another shot with her.

And Levi looks at her softly.

“Raz is fast asleep, how about you sleep as well?” He says as he slides the beer bottles to his side of the table.

All he wants for now is to keep her away from alcohol. She’s vomited once, and if she keeps having alcohol after that then it will just lead to her stomach getting worse. And it might also lead to alcohol poisoning or blackouts.

“You know you come in my dreams sometimes… and how do I know I’m not already asleep and you aren’t dream’ Levi?” Mae’s words slur as slowly turns her head towards him.

Levi‘s posture stiffens and warmth gathers to his cheek. His perpetual shyness floods back to him, and it's been so long since he has felt this way. His lips quirk up a little, reminiscing such moments that would happen so often in the past. And at the fact that she dreams of him…

And well he thinks of her too. She’s stuck in his mind and seated in the chambers of his heart. Like a guest who’s way too comfortable. Who’s found his place and will never go back home.

And just like he can’t tear his heart away from her, he can’t take his eyes off her as well.

Every part of Mae’s face is tinted red. Her eyes are red, her cheeks are red. And Levi is so dazed by the situation that he can’t even make out whether the reducing distance between them is just a stupid imagining of his heart. Or whether Mae is actually so drunk that she is leaning forward… to kiss him or something.

Then he feels her breath graze the slant of his nose. And he freezes, eyes wide and any intake of breath, halted.

“I’m gonna be wild tonight,” she says as she looks into his eyes. Face extremely close to his and her hand reaching out towards the beer bottles that he has stacked at the other end.

"W-what?" Levi almost topples off his chair, his ears flushing red as inappropriate scenarios fill his head. And god bless his quick instincts and his fingers, that clutch on to the table and help him balance himself.

"I am gonna drink till 1, and then I'm gonna dance till 2, which is why I can't go home now… you need to understand." She pleads with seriousness as she drags a bottle from his side to hers. And the sound of glass screeching against the wood, brings Levi back to his senses.

“Oi,” he warns as he snatches the bottle away from her and shakes his head.

“But Levi… I want more.” She pouts and he sighs to himself. She’s going to be in a horrible state tomorrow morning. Probably regretting everything and down with a nasty headache.

But she’s made her decision, even though in a shitty state. And he has crossed his boundaries once, but he’s not going to do that again. He has no right to tell her how to live her life, when he himself kicked her out of his.

And so he’ll protect her from the sidelines, he won’t impose his choices on her anymore. Because that is what caused all the mess in the first place.

So Levi watches, as she ruins herself. And he’s beside her, filling her glass with water whenever she reaches out for some beer. And he’s beside her, holding her hair back whenever she’s in the bathroom, vomiting. Even when it hurts to see her like this.

It's a little against his judgment, but he isn’t going to stop her from doing what she wants. As long as she is safe, he’s fine with it. And as long as he’s here, he’ll let nothing happen to her.

And as much as he’d say she’s in a pitiful and defenseless position right now, she’s smiling. And it's been so long since he has seen her like this. So lively and untroubled.

And so he’s beside her, ready to catch her whenever she gets up to dance.

He scans the tavern once more, checking for any dangerous objects that Mae might hurt herself with. And his eyes land on the cashier, who’s busy watching the both of them, instead of reading the damned novel in her hand. A string of curses fly out of his mouth at her prying eyes and her callous attitude, and he flashes her a disdainful look.

But then his eyes land back on Mae and they soften once again. She’s prancing around the tavern, halting at a chair, or speaking to a flower vase placed in a corner. Like a child, so bright and carefree. And it's been so long since he has seen her like this. Without any worry or a tear rolling down her cheek.

He would see this side of hers so often. In the days when she would share without thinking about how much she’s receiving in return. And when she would put hours of effort just to make him some pie to appreciate the small wins of his life.

It was the part of her that loved selflessly, that cared limitlessly. Without taking into account the cruel realities of the world… and of people. And he hurt her… He hurt the inner child that she so courageously showed him.

And even though it's completely his fault, he’s tired of seeing her hurting.

She smiles at everyone, but it never meets her eyes. And even though no one else might be able to tell the difference, Levi can see the sadness brimming inside her.

Even now, her cover of sadness is only broken due to temporary the haze of the alcohol.

But he’s glad nevertheless. He’s glad she can have a single moment of rest and he can have a moment of reprieve as well.

Mae reaches to his usual table, and lifts the tote bag he always carries around up. And Levi throws her a thumbs up in return, indicating she can do whatever she wants with it.

And she takes a red book out of it. The same red one that made him realize his feelings for her. The Fable of the Fallen Apple.

She shuffles towards him, and takes a seat on the bar stool next to him. And then she starts reading the story to him, just like the good old times.

It reminds him of the days when she used to tutor him, except she’s holding the book in the opposite direction.

And he looks at her, chin resting on his palm and fingers drumming against his cheek. Eyes as soft as possible.

He decides he likes it. Even though her words are slurring and things just hardly make sense.

It's been so long since she has been like this with him. Having a normal conversation and not caring what anyone else thinks,

And very soon this will also fade. The contempt in her eyes will be back, and her voice will be quelled with sadness again. And he’ll go back to watching her walk away from him. Again and again.

And so he stays in the moment today. Savoring every word she says and every breath she takes, so it doesn’t hurt as much when she’s gone.

Half an hour passes by and the cashier finally says that it's time to close the tavern now. That working hours are close to an end, and it's time to wind up and clean the place.

Levi gets up as soon as hears the words. And makes his way towards her with some money in his hand.

“Sir you don’t have to pay today,” she responds politely as Levi extends the cash forwards towards her.

“This…,” he throws her a stern look but no one can deny the ever darkening hue on his cheek. It's prominent even in the dim light.”... Is too keep your mouth shut about all that was happening today.”

“… And,” Levi continues. “Make sure she reaches home safe, that redhead who is fast asleep right there.” He points towards Raz, who’s now snoring in her slumber.

Mae rests there as well. Almost mimicking Raz's position as she rests her head on the table. Utterly exhausted with all the prancing she has done in the past hour.

His face softens in an instant.

Today she’s not here. The cautious, caring woman whose father told her to only drink in a safe place, with safe people. And today he’ll be gentle and patient, the man that he failed to be for her.

He walks over to her, and dotingly his hand lands on her shoulder. "Mae, let's go home."

She shifts her head towards him, and the slits of her eyes lazily open for a split second as she glances at him. But she remains quiet and offers him no response.

“The store is closing… we need to go home now.”

But the request garners no response again.

"Mae, please, let me take you to your house."

"B-but… I don't wanna go home. I don’t like it there." She mutters out slowly and he grimaces as the words leave her mouth.

The sound of footsteps coming close feels louder in the silence that settles between Levi and Mae. And the tension in the air only reduces when the cashier steps in, and stands next to Raz.

And Mae tries to get up as well, as she sees Raz being woken up. But she’s had so much alcohol that she can’t even stand on her own feet.

And Levi sees only one solution to the problem.

“We’ll go to the headquarters okay… that works for you?” He speaks out a little softer. He may not have the right to pry into her life anymore and know all her problems. But he’s still here for her, and he’ll still help her whatever way he can.

She hums in agreement, and slowly they make their way out of the musty tavern.

The streets are quiet, the night is dark. The light from the street lamps brings out the texture of that cobblestone path. And Mae’s front is pressed to Levi’s back as he carries her back to the Survey Corps headquarters. Giving her a piggyback ride.

Her calves sway along with every step he takes, and her face is beside his, so close that he can feel her breath in and out. A gush of air hits their face, and he breathes in a sigh of relief.

Finally he’s out of that filthy tavern and fresh air touches his face again.

“This feels awfully familiar doesn’t it Levi.” Mae mutters, voice low and hoarse from all the drinking she’s done with Raz today.

And Levi reminisces a little as he thinks of the day when those thugs attacked him. She stayed with him, begging and yelling that she won’t leave when he was repeatedly telling her he’d be fine on his own.

It is a memory he will cherish forever. “It does, except this time you are stinking.”

Mae falls quiet at his words and then she exhales heavily. “I really despise you sometimes Levi. You play with my heart in the worst ways possible.”

He falls quiet at her statement, and his shoulders wilt a little. A question lingers in the back of his head. One that he has been wanting to ask her forever. Do you hate me?... Because sometimes I hate myself too.

But she beats him to it.

“But I still can’t bring myself to hate you… I don’t think I could ever hate you… You saved me and then you hurt me. But you were you all along. It was me, who’s perception was distorted. It was me who clung to you because I thought I couldn’t do without you. I had low self esteem, I was lonely. And so I was the reason for all my heartache…” She pauses, and then her voice comes out much more sadder. ”I know I messed up and I should learn to find happiness all alone. I should have been more careful, less naive but it just hurts sometimes you know. …I’m never the first choice. Be it with Mr. Mendes, be it with you. I give all that I have in all my relationships. And every time someone else turns out to be more valuable than me…”

She lets out a sigh as she rests her chin on his clavicle and mutters,” I miss my parents so much. My friends as well. I don’t even know why I bothered staying. I should have just worn an olive cloak and offered myself to a titan.’ A sardonic laugh escapes her mouth.

And Levi frowns at the miserable joke. "Shut it, it's not funny. Don’t joke about dying to the titans.”

“I know I shouldn’t…” her voice cracks and somehow it turns more melancholic. “ But it’s so lonely without them, my family, my friends… Everything feels worthless.”

What she is saying right now, is what she feels in the depths of her heart. Things she knows she might be wrong for feeling. And thoughts she knows, that will get her nowhere.

These are the thoughts she doesn’t want to settle with, and the thoughts she’s always fighting against. These are things that she’s admitting in her drunken state.

And Levi wants to cower and hide. He’s never been good at consoling and shit, and he wants to act like she never said all these things. He wants to continue staying invulnerable and never get his feelings out.

But he also knows these feelings all too well. These feelings of loneliness. And he doesn’t want her to suffer all alone with them, just like he does.

“Also I am heartbroken but I’m not dumb. I’m only telling you all this because you are ‘dream’ Levi, and just my imagination…The actual Levi will never touch me in a state like this… I am absolutely filthy.” She starts rambling, and in all her chatter, Levi tries to compose himself.

And he can feel the heat gathering to his cheeks as he tries to force some words out. “L-listen M-Mae.”

It's hard. It doesn’t suit him and he's so unused to speaking out loud about his feelings. But he’s not going to let her feel miserable forever. He’s not going to succumb to his inner demons.

And he is going to comfort her with all the softness that remains in his heart. “You are not all a-alone… y-you might not consider it, b-but I am–.” He pauses again, to collect his thoughts, and calm himself.

The air is heavy. And Levi is fumbling and stuttering with the way he is expressing himself. And much to his relief the moment is broken by sudden taps on his shoulder.

.“Levi, something’s coming up… I can feel it.” Mae speaks with urgency.

And he almost freezes for a second. All thoughts of Mae and her loneliness simmer away, and for the first time in many years, Levi panics.

“NO NO NO,” He gets frantic, eyes wide as he scans every nook and corner. Then he spots a tree, at least 50 meters away and he darts towards it. “You need to control it, hold it in. HOLD IT IN.”

“Levi h-hurry,” her voice is strained, and Levi tries to move as fast as possible, also making sure that his speed doesn’t further dislodge the contents in stomach.

The air feels heavy again, but this is a different kind of heavy. Filled with a different kind of suspense.

The tree is just a few meters away, but alas Levi is too late.

“Le-” an ungraceful, hideous sound pierces through the air. Right out of Mae’s mouth into his ear “-vi.”

And Levi halts in his tracks, eyes wide and eyebrows raised up, taking a moment to process what just happened.

And it’s only after a minute that he comes back to his senses and sneers, “you just BURPED, in my ear.”

Nevertheless, he’s very glad it's just a burp and not vomit.

Mae is still for a moment, and then she slouches again, chest pressing fully against his back as her chin goes back to resting on his collarbone. “‘M sorry… but Hange says why fart and waste it when you can burp and taste it.”

Laughter ripples past his lips. This time it isn't a stifled chuckle or a subtle giggle. But a loud obnoxious cackle. ”You and Hange… “ he speaks in between breaths. “You and Hange will be the death of me.”

And Mae smiles at his words as well. Because Hange is amazing and iconic.

Shops and houses pass by, as Levi resumes walking at his regular pace, and Mae’s eyes remain wide awake. Staring at all the stores, almost searching for something.

And then her eyes light up, when she spots a shop all too familiar. Decorated with creepers and veils climbing along its white walls. “Is the bakery open? Can we go inside it.”

“It's 1 in the morning, obviously they’ll keep it open for you.” Levi retorts with blatant sarcasm.

And she huffs against the crook of his neck in response. “I’ve not had a pastry in so long,” she drones out, and Levi frowns at her words. He vividly remembers how often she would have a pastry. Almost one every week because she's always been a firm believer of celebrating the small moments. And celebrating life in itself without any reason or accomplishment.

But he decides not to dwell on the topic any further, because it might make her upset.

“All that energy is finally depleting hmm? It’ll make you easier to handle… What’s got you so energetic today, anyways?” He asks, as he changes the subject.

“I’m happy! I had a lot of fun with Raz today.” Her voice lights up and even though Levi can’t see her face because of the position they are in. He knows that she is smiling with how sweet her voice sounds.

He smiles a little at that as well.

The rest of the journey passes by in silence. Mae closes her eyes and rests against Levi’s frame, and Levi listens to the thump of her heart against his chest . She’s so close to him, and she still stinks. But he’s glad nevertheless, He’s glad she had fun, and he’s glad he's getting to spend some time with her in so long.

In a way, all of this is wrong. She’s married and if she wasn't drunk she wouldn't let him touch her like that. But it's all going to fade away anyways. It will be ripped away from him just like everything is, and so he’ll stay while everything lasts, even if it's just for a day.

The headquarters come into sight. Time is running out, and a part of him doesn’t want to put her down. He wants to relish in her warmth that he's experiencing after so long.

But she needs rest, and she needs to sleep on a proper bed. So he enters the dim hallways and makes his way to his quarters.

His quarters are covered in darkness, with not a single candle flame flickering. But Levi knows this place as well as the back of his hand.

He places Mae on the couch, and quickly makes his way around to light a few candles.

And if Mae was in her senses she would have noticed that his room isn’t as clean as it used to be. The tea bags are hastily left on the kitchen counter, the bedsheet isn’t creaseless anymore. And what adds to it, is the stacks of paperwork piled both on his desk and even inside a few shelves.

But the alcohol rests heavy in her system, and her eyelids are shut close in exhaustion. She sighs in relief, finally a soft, comfortable surface to rest upon.

Much to her dismay, she is woken up by the sudden cool feeling that touches her skin. Her eyes open partially and Levi stands in front of her with a wet towel in his hands. “Levi let me sleep, what are you doing?” She calls out in frustration.

“It's not good to sleep with so much product on, not good for your skin… And your dress is stained everywhere, you are not sleeping on my bed with that on.”

But Mae feels so drowsy that she hardly listens to him. Her eyes close midway, heavy with sleep and she sits still on the couch, completely unbothered with whatever Levi is doing.

And Levi stands in front of her, dipping down from his back, as he scans her face. And cupping her jaw as he holds her face straight.

If only she’d open her eyes, she would see how close he is. She would see the red on his cheeks. And if only she wasn’t this sleepy, she would have felt how clammy his hands are, due to nervousness.

He takes in a deep breath and his hands quiver as he roves the towel over her eyelids. With all the gentleness that he can garner in his hardened fingertips. And as the makeup comes off from her skin, he sees the dark circles that now encircle her eyes, and skin that looks so dull and lifeless, filled with acne

And his silver eyes flock with concern as he stares at her a little longer.

She looks battered, like a worn out soldier who’s been strong for too long.

And she’s here, because she didn’t want to go home. She doesn’t like it there. The thought itself fills Levi’s mind with rage and fear.

And all that he knows for sure is that he is going to beat the shit out of her piece of a shit husband.

"Is your husband treating you like shit?" he asks, with his voice drawn taut and jaw clenched.

"What husband?" she mumbles incoherently.

And Levi sighs, as he looks at her and her passed out state. He gets up defeated, and picks the comb he brought along as well. And then he moves behind the couch and positions himself behind Mae’s seated figure. “Straighten up, I’ll comb your hair.”

She gives in thoughtlessly, and it's only when Levi sees the clumps of hair that fall out of her head, does he notice how thin her hair has gotten.

He realizes he hasn't seen her properly in months, and now he sees her on the verge of breaking.

He gets visibly sadder at the thought, and in a mere attempt to distract himself he gets up and stands in front of her again. Wrapping both of his hands around her upper arms as he says, “come I-I’ll help y-you g-get changed.”

Mae’s sleepy eyes open wide at that, and a new found energy grips her voice. “NO, thank you mister, I can change by myself.”

“You can’t even stand.” Levi mutters, as he gets her up to her feet, hands still clutching on to her so that she doesn’t drop to the floor.

“As far as my brain tells me,” she says, tapping her index finger to her temple, “standing and changing clothes are two completely different things.”

And Levi looks at her incredulously, almost taken aback by her stupidity. “Tch, you are so drunk,” he grumbles.

And Mae gets quiet for a moment, before she says. "I'm not drunk, I'm beautiful."

Levi looks up at her as she says those words. Her skin is now clean and fresh, ridden of the smudged makeup that once dawned on her face. And the ponytail she wears, gives him a full view of her tired eyes that burn with boldness and conviction.

Indeed very beautiful.

"My face is not disgusting," she continues, as her eyes bore into his. But Levi doesn’t miss the slight tremor of her lips.

His face falls and his heart sinks into a pit of disgrace.

Those were the words he'd told her, weren't they?

All of a sudden he’s reminded of who he is, and what he’s done. And it's only now that he understands how he has hurt her. With every look and every word.

His throat runs dry and he finds himself unable to speak a word, without disintegrating.

The silence becomes agonizing. And Levi backs away, as he realizes that if he looks at her any longer, then he will break. Into bits and pieces. Because more than her husband, he’s a reason for the condition she’s in as well.

He takes slow steps backwards, unable to take his eyes off the floor and meet hers.

He needs a distraction. He needs to think about something else. And so he darts towards his bedroom, and finds his way to his cupboard. Opening it and absent mindedly pulling out a shirt and a trouser.

And when he stands in front of Mae, he’s back to being aloof. It has always been like this, a moment of defenselessness until he shrouds behind his mask of nonchalance.

"Go change," he places the clothes in her hands and struts away. Giving in to her demands even though she’s probably going to trip and fall. But also, a little too scared to displease her any more than he’s already done.

"Levi, wait," Mae’s hand latches onto his wrist. "I don’t want this…want the gray one… The v neck, it is my faaavourite on you.”

His face softens at the words and that’s all it takes for his mask of indifference to fade, once again.

There's a child in her, and he hopes she can always keep it alive. He hopes it doesn’t wither away in the cruelty of life, like the child in him did.

His cheeks turn pink again as he glances at the shirt she is holding out, because she wants his gray one. And he makes a mental note to buy more in the same color.

As quick as ever, he gives in to her request, and hands her the gray shirt she demands.

At that her eyes squint and she flashes him the same smile that always takes his breath away. The same smile that makes him feel like he’s the reason behind all her joys. His cheeks turn pinker at the thought.

No one’s ever smiled at him the way she does. No one has looked at him with such warmth and affection. And he’s glad that he can see her smile like this one last time.

A part of him doesn’t want to leave. A part of him doesn’t want to go away so that she can change her clothes. A part of him doesn’t want to be apart from her a single second more.

But he’s wronged her a little too much, to still be around her. A little too much to still crave her company.

And so he walks her to his room, lights a candle there as well and ambles away. Because even though his heart gravitates towards Mae, he isn’t a man capable of love.

The office seems silent now that she is cooped up in his room. And Levi lets out a heavy exhale as he walks towards the small kitchenette placed at the adjacent wall.

He brews himself a cup of tea, and takes a seat on his desk. Eyes glazing over the stack of paperwork piled in front of him. Somehow, the familiarity of it all calms his nerves and he takes a sheet out and starts with his paperwork.

And he waits, for the sound of Mae collapsing to the floor, or the gate opening and her wobbly figure leaning on to the doorframe.

He waits, and he waits but she doesn’t come out.

And drunks are so annoying, he prays that he never has to deal with them again.

Time ticks out, curiosity gets the best of him, and he walks to his room.

And when he opens the door, he’s met with the sight of her resting on his bed and the faint sound of her snores.

The candlelight kept on his side table casts dancing shadows across her sleeping figure. Her mouth is slightly parted, and her hair is strewn messily on the pillow. And Levi can’t help but hold a breath in as he stares at the way she looks so relaxed and peaceful;..

Then he pushes her towards the center of the bed, lest she fall and crack her head open. He tucks her in a blanket and places two pillows at her side just for protection. And finally he blows the candle off.

And as he looks back at her, he doesn’t know why he has the sudden desire to touch her.

His motion stutters, and his fingers tremor as they reach towards her head.

His mother would often pat his head when he had difficulty sleeping, but Mae is already asleep. So why does he have the sudden, irrational desire to caress her head?

And Levi doesn’t know indulgence.

But he knows that the sun will rise tomorrow, and he will be blackened by his own regrets. Unable to face her because now he knows that he has probably left her, even unsafer, in an unhappy marriage. Now he knows how much he has hurt her. And now he knows how miserable she really is.

It feels like their last night together. Because tomorrow she'll be gone, back to ignoring him. And he’ll go back to the miserable person who mourns the loss of that love that he himself destroyed. With his own two hands.

Levi doesn’t know indulgence, because everything he cherishes always ends up getting torn apart from him.

But he has lost her already. She has been ripped away already.

And so he rests his hand on her head. And so he roves his palm over her head. Looking at her dotingly, caressing her gently. His heart beats wildly, and for once he lets it win over

She looks peaceful now that she is asleep. Far different from the exhausted face she sports all the time in that filthy bar. And he drinks all of her details in for one last time.

He wants to look at her more, the desire only seems to deepen the more he stares at her face. He wants to be next to her the entire night.

And so Levi shifts his desk into the cramped space of his bedroom. As quietly as possible. And he lights up a candle as he sits down to do his paperwork. Right next to her sleeping figure.

Author's Note:

Okay! So with this we are done with half of the chapters for this fic.

This chapter is kinda bittersweet, I don't know how happy I am with this chapter honestly, because it has gotten too long and it might have some cringe moments, but I just wanted to show how close Mae and Levi are and what there bond was once like.

Also in the first scene, Mae has a realization that she needs to start working towards and in the 2nd scene, a month later she still hasn't been able to implement it completely yet. Its like you know you should love yourself, but you still find it hard to.

And that realization will come to her, but LATER on, not in the recent chapters for sure.

Also the line 'why fart and waste it, when you can burp and taste it' is not something my brain has come up with, i don't have that kind of genius-ness lol🤡. Its taken from a bollywood movie Queen, which I definitely recommend, because its a pretty good watch.

Another thing I want to mention is that its highly likely I'll take a few weeks off again, after I finish this arc, because I don't have enough content written to keep up with my writing schedule. And I don't want to write fast and compromise on the quality of the chapters, because I really want to give my best shot with this fic, and it takes me time to come up with good metaphors and ideas that I can put into the scenes. I'll completely address this situation next week.

Thank you reading! I hope you liked it. As always I appreciate any comments, questions and criticism as well. See you next Sunday

Taglist: @keijikunn @evas-leslas @leviackermanmyhero245

29 notes · View notes

levis-coffeecup · 2 years

Text

chapter 1| Cookies on 25th of December

WC-4.9k

Summary

The underground is filthy and dark. Dim lights, dull alleys, and desperate hearts. A place Levi knows as well as the back of his hand, and a place he would do anything to get out of.

But life on the surface seems tougher amidst all the mockery, civilities, and the gaping hole left in his heart, after the demise of his dear friends Isabel and Farlan.

Content/Warnings

canon- compliant, canon-typical violence, spoilers for No Regrets OVA, descriptions of PTSD, grief, depression, heavy angst and themes, strong language, self-hate, physical assault.

Author's Note

This story is purely self-indulgent. And it has stemmed from my desire of Levi being doted over, taken care of, and being supported and loved through all the tough times.

Even though it's a Levi x OC, I have tried to make my OC as relatable as possible. It's a slow burn and the build-up is going to be long.

Chapters

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20

Masterlist | Playlist | Other Works

DEC 844

Leaves crunch below the soles of Levi's boots as he walks through the narrow trail. His horse trots behind him. And the candle lamp in his other hand glows dimly, but enough for him to see the dark tree trunks that loom around him.

An owl hoots as it flies and the sight of the big bright moon catches Levi's eyes.

A breeze brushes past and blows his hair as he ambles ahead, desperately chasing the peace that he has been ridden of ever since he joined the scouts.

Life on the surface is full of surprises... like finding solids in your fart. How amazing!

His room is filthy, and he's tired of sharing it with 5 other soldiers, who are obnoxiously loud and messy.

And he's tired of the mocks people throw his way. And how their eyes follow him everywhere he goes, as if he's going to commit another crime any moment.

It's not like he isn't used to being treated like a piece of shit. This has been constant even before his plans to kill Erwin were revealed. Because of the sheer fact that he is a lowly thug from the underground.

But it has gotten even worse now.

Prying eyes follow him everywhere, and taunts await him at every step he takes.

He is used to this. All his life he has had eyes on him. Watching him and tracking his every action. But in the underground, he could beat up any man that ever pissed him off. Here it's different.

Life in the army is full of discipline, bound with rules and restrictions, and Levi isn't used to taking orders. Even now as he strolls through the forest that surrounds the headquarters, he's breaking the nighttime curfew.

But it's okay, he doesn't give shits about that anymore. He needs a fucking break and he's going to take it.

The occasional tea served in the mess hall tastes like dog shit. The kitchen is only open for higher officials and tch, he'd never imagined that one day he wouldn't even be able to make tea for himself.

The only 2 people who ever speak to him are Erwin with his annoying, weekly counseling sessions, and the four-eyed bitch who wants to run experiments on him.

Miche sometimes does wish him good morning, but he never finds anything good in any of the mornings, so Levi just ignores him.

He hates it, he absolutely hates it. Nothing in his life is the way he wants it to be, and for once he is worried about fitting in and being accepted.

His footsteps halt as he reaches a small clearing in between the forest. Trees border its land. A river flows through and a hefty rock lies on its banks.

Tying the reins of his horse to a tree close by, he walks towards the rock.

Water flows beneath, splashing against the pebbles that stand in its way. The wind whispers in his ear, rustling a few leaves in the wake. The full moon reflects in the river, shining bright and rippling with the breeze. It's the most beautiful place he has ever seen.

Crouching down, he swallows thickly, His hand reaches down towards his trousers. Fingers digging inside his pocket, until they feel two familiar embroidered patches.

The survey corps emblems.

And for a moment Levi can't believe that that's all that's left of his friends. Farlan and Isabel. Years of companionship and trust crumbled in a mere moment, like a gate of sand blown away by a strong gust of wind.

He should have been able to save them, he was strong, wasn't he?

He looks back up at the scenery in front of him. It's the most beautiful place he has ever seen but he doesn't want to see it anymore.

His back slouches and he buries his face in the spot between his knees.

The scenery only reminds him of the two bodies flung in mud, mangled and mutilated, painted in their own blood. And the dreams that died with them.

He knows it's all on him. It was his pride that shined brighter than the sun, blinding his senses and his priorities, as he got drunk on revenge. And now his fitful sleep is haunted by nightmares.

Erwin tells him not to regret it. It's easy for him to say, he's charismatic and selfless. His hands haven't sinned like Levi's and his shoulders don't quake with the weight of his mistakes

Levi doesn't know how he'll not regret this after all his mistakes lie blatantly in front of him. How can he just forget his friends, and focus on the future instead?

The idea doesn't sit well with him. The least he wants to do is to give their death some meaning. They were invaluable to him, and he can't stand the fact that they died in vain, for nothing.

There's an ache in his chest and even though he knows it all too well, he still doesn't understand it. It's been a month since the demise of his friends, so why does his heart still bleed at every thought of them?

By this time he should be used to this feeling, right?

After all, it's not the first time someone close to him has left him.

Levi sighs as he remembers all his desperate attempts to distract his own mind.

He tries to keep himself busy, but he gets a reality check everywhere when he sees how people frown at him, and how atrociously he stands out against the crowd. From the way he speaks to his clothing, everything is so different from how it is in the Underground.

And in every fleeting moment that life reminds him of his dead friends, he is overwhelmed with profound emptiness.

He misses them, he wasn't ready for their departure.

But then again, when does he ever receive a signal when someone is going to leave him? It's all fucking unexpected, too twisted for his twisted mind as well.

'You need to move on,' his mind fools him. It's the advice Kenny would have given him.

But there is no moving on, and his heart knows it.

The death of a loved one leaves a permanent void in the soul. There is no moving on from it.

And Levi knows that one more and his heart will leak. He can't afford that anymore. Especially not in the Survey Corps when death is just around the corner.

Alone is familiar. Alone is safe, so alone he sits perched on top of the rock, hoping that the sound of the ebbing river would tame the flooding emotions inside him.

━━━━━━━━━━━━

Light bounces off the vessels in the kitchen as Mae draws the curtains back. The morning light paints the room golden and she peeks her head out of the window. Basking in the gentle sunlight.

Birds chirp in the background as the sun slowly wakes from its slumber.

The day hasn't even started and yet the streets of Jinae are filled with people loitering.

Yule is just around the corner, and people bubble with excitement as they decorate their stores with candy sticks and flowers.

A sigh escapes Mae's lips, and she wonders what must be happening in Akarla, her small, humble village, located in the southern region of Maria.

She lives in Jinae now, a town located just behind Rose. Trost just lies ahead of the wall, and even the Survey Corps headquarter lies in the forest that surrounds the town.

It's been 2 months since she has shifted here and everything is so much better. The city is big and it bustles with opportunities, and so many different items are available here.

But she misses her parents and her friends that stay in her hometown. Her village is not as developed as the town. It's small, but everyone gets along well, like a tight-knit family. And this will be the first time she'll be spending Yule without them.

She lights up the firewood and cuts up some fruits as the fire slowly heats the stove.

Loud coughs pierce the air, and Mae rushes towards the kitchen door. Mr. Mendes gasps for a breath in his chair. His newspaper has fallen, and he bends from his back as he buries the painful sound into his palm.

And she watches him from behind the wall, choking on air, continuously for a minute before it calms down. He empties down the glass of water that she always keeps on his side of the table, and then goes back to reading his newspaper. And she turns away. Tossing away the worry that lingers in her heart.

Arnold Mendes, or Mr. Mendes as she likes to call him, is her father's childhood friend, and a well-known doctor in Jinae. She works here as his apprentice, learning medicine and also helping him at his clinic.

And because he knows her father so well, she lives here with him as well.

She turns away and walks back to the heated stove. It's a daily event by now. Old age has hit him like a wagon, and he often falls prey to asthma attacks. His energy levels are lower and she doesn't understand when the old man plans to retire.

Mae worries about him, and now he wants to go to Sina, to treat some patient of his, she has no idea how he is planning to take care of his health.

Hot air hits the bottom of her face, and she looks down at the bread that has turned goldish-brown. The firewood cackles and the pan gets hotter with every passing second. She flips the bread and toasts it on the other side.

The aroma of fresh fruit and bread fills the air as she arranges the food on two plates. And she steps out of the kitchen with breakfast in her hands.

Mr. Mendes sits on the dining table with a newspaper opened up in his hands. His white hair appears silver in the sunlight, and he squints his eyes closer as he reads the paper.

"Are you sure you want to go on that trip of yours?" She places a glass full of water in front of him, "as a doctor you should take better care of your own health."

His head peaks up as he hears her voice. Lines crease around his eyes, and a few faint ones run along his forehead as she places another glass of water in front of him.

"Oh, thanks dear!" He smiles warmly and sips in some water. The newspaper is folded and he keeps it aside as a plate of food lands in front of him.

"It's a trip to Sina, and the patient is filthy rich. There is no way I'm missing out on something like that... Also, I'll meet Ivan on the way."

Ivan Mendes, the only child, and family of Mr. Mendes. He is a few years elder to Mae and an accomplished doctor himself, working in a big hospital in Mitras. They have met a few times when they were kids, but he's always been a quiet guy and she hasn't spoken a lot to him.

She settles down on the seat next to Mr. Mendes and digs into her plate. A comfortable silence settles until he asks her, "You come home early these days."

Her eyebrows perk up at the question, curious of how he got to know of it.

Two months back she spotted a clearing in the forest. Grass flourished there, and cedar trees bordered the land. A river flowed through, with some rocks scattered around it. A massive rock in the middle was what caught her attention, placed right in the center, with water flowing below it, and a beautiful vantage point to both the river and the sky.

The sound of the river splashing and the rustling of the wind never failed to put her at ease. And soon it became a part of her daily routine, to go there and sit on the rock. Inhale, exhale and take life a little slower.

Nights were quiet and she rejoiced in its stillness. It was the perfect way to end her day, and often she returned home late. Too lost to keep any track of time. "How did you figure that out, Mr. Mendes?"

"The sound of you closing the door wakes me up sometimes."

"Oh." Mae's gaze floats elsewhere as the image of the raven-haired man, sitting with his face buried in his knees, occurs to her mind.

She has never seen him look up, to cast a gaze at the gorgeous scenery around him. And his demeanor is always so stiff, contrasting the gentle flowing breeze.

"For a week, someone else has been sitting on my spot..." she trails off. "He looks very sad and vulnerable...I just couldn't find it in my heart to tell him to go somewhere else."

"Yule is coming, why don't you make him a batch of your ginger cookies that you were planning to make for me and our neighbours?" Mr. Mendes suggests.

"You think I should do that? I mean I don't want to intrude into his matters."

He smiles so wide that it reaches his eyes. Experience shows deeper in the lines that run around his eyes. "Why not? An act of kindness might just make his day."

━━━━━━━━━━━━

On the night of 24th, Mae finds herself walking down the familiar path in the forest, with a white box of cookies clutched to her chest.

New year is close and Winter is here, the land is ridden of the fallen leaves that would crunch every time she would step on them. And the crickets are silent, hibernating in some warm cave.

She spots the cedar tree, hiding behind which she would look at that man. But this time she strides forward.

The wind is still, and the only audible sounds are of the cascading river and her footsteps.

And as she nears him, he stands up, making her pause for a moment.

He is short, his body is lean and his face still stares straight ahead.

Nervousness buds inside her as she steps closer. Doubt trickles into her mind bit by bit. What if he was never really sad? What if she was wrong all along, and maybe he's happy? What if she just ends up making a fool out of herself?

Slowly her hand reaches out to tap his shoulders, but before they can touch it, his arm jerks backward.

Rough fingers grab her wrist and halt her ministrations harshly.

And Levi turns towards the trespasser who ruined his outing, with a frown on his face

It's a girl. He twists her hand behind her back and knees her in the stomach. She staggers back and the white box in her hand drops to the floor.

He tackles her. And his entire weight falls atop of her as she lands on the hard, jagged surface of the rock with force. Tears well up in her eyes and a groan escapes her mouth.

But Levi is swift, quicker than she can whine about her pain. He grabs both of her wrists with one arm and pins them above her head.

"Why have you come here?" He growls, his eyes are sharp and piercing, challenging her with his intense stare.

He's heavy for the short, lean body he has. And her wrists are going to bruise with how tightly he's holding them. " W-w- what are you doing? I just came here to-"

"Lie and I won't take a second to slit your throat," he interrupts, as he takes a knife out of his pocket. Pressing its cold steel to her neck.

Her eyes widen, as she squirms underneath him, trying to get away from this man above her

"You can't kill me, the law- '' The knife presses closer, almost drawing out blood from her skin. All color drains from her face as dread takes over her.

"Please don't kill me, I- I was-" she begs, shaking her head wildly, as tears roll down her cheeks.

Levi studies her, as she blabbers some bullshit. Sweat drenches her face, and she's gasping for air. Her arms are shaking in his grip and she's trying her hardest to cover up the fear that is still very evident on her face. She seems like an amateur.

His grip on her wrists loosens. He is testing the waters.

Her eyes widen for a millisecond as she feels his hold relax a little. And then she frees her hand out of his hold and punches him on his jawbone.

A punch in the jaw can send one's head spinning. If it was strong enough it could also make one lose consciousness. This has to work so she could get him off her. She just has to hit him hard enough and get the hell out of here.

"Tch." Levi withdraws back. That punch was weak and had the shittiest technique he had ever seen. He gets up, reassured that this person is of no threat, as he cleans his knife, with a handkerchief.

Mae whimpers in pain as she tries to get up, and then she hears him mutter, "stupid intruder."

She glares at his back, as he walks towards the top of the rock, and then sits there. The balls of this man, how dare he call her an intruder, as he walks up to sit on her spot. The special place that she had discovered and so generously given to him because she thought he was sad.

Her fists clench as anger surges through her. Her back hurts, and there is a searing ache shooting up in her stomach. She has to leave now and tend to her body first. But she should be back soon, demanding him to give back the spot he took from her.

He's strong, and fighting isn't her cup of tea.

But she isn't going down without a fight.

━━━━━━━━━━━━

Mae breathes heavily as she rests her back on a tree, far away from the ones bordering the clearing.

Her calves burn, from all the walking. Her body is still in pain, fresh from bruises that decorate her skin. And she can only hope that she genuinely catches that man off-guard by coming here, despite being physically assaulted by him just yesterday.

She takes in a deep breath, to collect herself before she moves further with what she has planned. Her opponent is strong, strong enough that he didn't get affected even when she punched him in an adrenaline rush.

And that man is scary as hell, there is no way in which she is going in front of him.

Her plan is simple. She'll track him down, find his weak spot, and then she'll strike him... with words... knives aren't really her thing.

He attacked her before she even had the opportunity to speak or show her face. How can you think someone is your opponent without even seeing their face?

The answer is simple. His first thought when someone approached him was that they were here to harm him.

It's fishy, and she concludes that the man is affiliated with bad things. He's probably smuggling drugs and is being chased by the police or something. That's the only thing that explains how on guard and alert he was yesterday.

And so she needs information, to blackmail him into leaving her spot and her alone. So that things can go back to how they used to be.

She's going to sit behind a tree, wait for him to leave, stalk him to his house. And then when she knows his neighborhood and where he lives, she can ask other people stuff about him.

Mae puts her hood over her head, as she walks ahead. It's black and she hopes it camouflages her well in the darkness.

The clearing peaks through the hefty tree trunks. She scans the area and spots the tree behind which she would watch him for days. He's never caught her from that distance. So she's safe here.

And just as she's about to reach her spot, her eyes meet his dull grey ones, and she freezes in fright.

He is sitting atop of the rock, facing her instead of the river this time. Her mouth runs dry, and she staggers back as fear runs through her veins.

"Took you long enough." He hops off and she shivers, as he walks towards her.

"Don't come closer to me. Stay away... I said stay away," she commands as she starts limping from one tree to another.

She scans her surroundings desperately and finds nothing but the hoard of trees that border the clearing. And Levi continues to move towards her, with his hands behind his back

She takes out the knife that she got for her defense, "I'll aim and it's going to go right through your heart, right through... Pierce it mercilessly."

"One clean stab mister, this knife is very sharp," she blurts out. " One clean swap, it will go right through."

But he still keeps moving forward and she tries her best not to cower in fear, as she limps backward. "Very sharp it is...Blood will leak out of your heart, and you'll be here laying in a pool of your own blood."

"Shit! I'm so scared, might as well piss my pants." Levi rolls his eyes and takes another step towards Mae. She stumbles back in fright, and her butt touches the bark of the tree Levi's horse is tied to. It neighs and she jumps in fright.

The distance between them is steadily decreasing. The muscles in her leg are twitching, begging to run somewhere else, But she can't even jog properly in this state.

He's closer now, only a meter away. Dread fills her mind, as she finally sees the details on his face.

Big dark eye bags loom under his eyes. And the darkness of the night, against his pale skin, makes him look like a literal ghost.

Her body is shaking. Somehow she manages to clutch the knife in her hand with both hands. Pointing it towards his stomach. "I WILL STAB YOU DON'T TEMPT ME."

Her voice is deafening and she has shriveled up like a scared kitten. The knife in her hands is shaking, and she holds it so tightly, it turns her knuckles white.

Levi's hand extends forward. A box is clutched in its grasp and she recognizes it in a flash. It's her cookie box, "I'm not keeping this shit on the ground, so extend your hand forward or you're not getting it back." He grunts, and she looks at him with fearful eyes.

The box falls into her palm and Levi walks away.

Mae stares at his retreating figure and then at the box in her hands. It is pristine as if it had never been maligned by the dirt on the ground... And a few of her cookies are broken but not a single one is missing.

Time rushes by and he makes no effort to harm her... So does that mean that he doesn't see her as a threat anymore?

This man is dangerous and she wants him gone. And the only possible way she thinks she can do that is by befriending him now. Kill them with kindness, right?

She limps towards the rock he's sitting on and drops the box in his lap. " I got this for you."

Levi's gaze flickers between the box in his lap and the female standing beside him.

"For me..., why?"

She tilts her head and her lips press into a thin line. What does she say now, that she thought he was sad but he turned out to be a psychopath?

"Uh... Yule, yule is a great festival of giving... and sharing... and caring." Mae cringes at her words internally. What in the walls, what in the walls was that. It makes no sense.

"So you just randomly walk into forests on the occasion of yule and give strangers treats?.. And how did you know I sit here?"

"...I would see you sitting here every day," The air stiffens with awkwardness and Mae shuffles under the intensity of Levi's gaze. With much difficulty, she manages to sit on the smaller rock a meter away.

Levi doesn't taste her cookies nor does he continue the conversation. He just stares at the box in his hands and she looks elsewhere, begging for some distraction..

His fingers glide over the paper box, it is spotless because he cleaned it yesterday. But he didn't bother checking what's inside. He shakes the box, and then gets it closer to his nose, to get a whiff. It smells good. Levi's heart warms a little and he utters-

"Creep."

He flips open the white paper cover and finds the box filled with circular discs. He'd often find this dish at a few expensive stores in the Underground, but he doesn't know what it is called.

The smell of Vanilla and ginger floods through his senses. He picks one and takes a bite. It's crunchy on the outside, and the insides almost melt in his mouth, and even after he swallows it, an after-taste of ginger and sugar lingers in his mouth.

"They are too sweet for my liking."

Mae scowls. This man just called her a creep and disliked her oh-so-perfect cookies that everyone loves in the span of a minute... but her life is dear to her so she decides to remain silent.

Levi looks at her, his gaze locks on the violet bruises that encircle around her wrist. And the thin, swollen pink line that is etched on her neck.

Guilt surges in his chest. He can tell that she is a good person but it isn't completely his fault as well.

Creeping on him in the one place where he allows himself to be vulnerable, a place where he has never spotted anyone, would seem suspicious to anyone.

It could be a person sent to kill him, harm him, or get information from him. He had to take the necessary precautions."Does it hurt? Your body?"

"It's fine." Mae sputters, unable to meet his piercing eyes, she doesn't want to talk about her hurting body. It reminds her of how weak she is compared to him.

Silence hovers once again, and she misses the days when she had this place all to herself. And the worry about making conversation didn't even touch her mind for a millisecond.

The sound of crunching reaches her ears. Her head swivels to find Levi eating another cookie. His face is still stoic, and not a trace of joy is visible on his face.

He finds them too sweet and dislikes them, yet he has another one of them. And people said women were complicated.

Sensing her glances, Levi turns, she flinches.

Her eyes widen." I won't judge you if you are a criminal, it's okay everyone has shit they go through." The words leave her mouth before she can process it, and now she's left even more embarrassed... and scared as well. Scared that he'll kill her right here, now that his secret is out.

"I'm a soldier." There is no trace of offense in his words, and the slight quiver in her knee stops on its own as surprise settles in.

"Oh." Her body visibly relaxes. He's a soldier, so he won't kill her, that would be horrible for his career and reputation.

Courage fills her as she feels a sense of security in his status. "Uh Mr......you see, I used to come here for the past 2 months. This place is very close to my heart, and sitting here alone is something I look forward to every day. I would appreciate it if you find another place for you to enjoy."

Levi stares at her dumbfounded as he hears the words that leave her mouth. What shitty logic is that?

Why not stop him the first day he came here? Why wait until he made a habit of coming here to find some peace? What makes this place hers? Did she create it? You just don't get things in life by requesting, you have to fight for it. Is this brat really that dense?

"Strength is what one needs to get what they want, come back when you are stronger than me."

Her face scrunches up at his words. "That's ridiculous. Aren't you a soldier? Then you are supposed to protect the weak. And I haven't gone through the military training as you have. Why don't we compete in something that is fair to both of us?"

"I don't give a shit about you to protect you...and life isn't fair kiddo, deal with it."

Mae's face contorts into one of distaste at his words. She's not going to get called a kiddo, especially not by someone who looks like a heartbroken teenager who got dumped by his lover.

"Hey... I'm not a kid, I am 22 years old."

"Tch" Levi spits, his face unamused. "Then stop acting like one. I'll come here as long as I like and you can't do anything about it."

Mae feels helpless. On one hand, she really wants this place to herself. But on the other hand, she knows that he can easily harm her enough that even daily tasks become a pain in the ass. And if he has connections in the military then the ones with the power might as well shut her up.

Clearly, he has the upper hand. But is she backing down? Absolutely not. She'll come here daily, get two more knives with her for defense purposes, and she'll sit here and annoy the hell out of him.

What would he say in court then? 'I killed her because she was too annoying for me to handle?'

69 notes · View notes

levis-coffeecup · 2 years

Text

chapter 8| A fight and a Fall

WC-6.6 k

Content/Warnings

canon- compliant, canon-typical violence, descriptions of PTSD, grief, depression, heavy angst and themes, strong language.

Author’s Note

I'm a little late, I'm sorry. It's almost 1am in my country and I am technically a day late. I hope I didn't leave anyone waiting coz I know that feeling all too well. But on the brighter side, its valentines day when I'm posting this.

Song for this chapter is It will rain by Bruno Mars.

Chapters

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20

Masterlist | Playlist | Other Works

MAY 846

A light breeze ruffles Mae's hair as she sits reading a novel in Levi's office.

His quarters are painted in hues of brown and white. There's a wooden desk that falls right in your sight as you step in. And that's where Mae usually finds him, always scribbling on some sheets, and completing paperwork.

Two big windows are carved on the wall behind the desk so that enough light filters in and he can work easily without straining his eyes. And his desk is neat as expected. All his paperwork is usually stacked on one end of the table and his stationary on another.

Then there's a dustbin in the corner, filled with crumbled pieces of paper.

For some reason Levi takes hours to complete even a few sheets of paperwork. And he's often tossing paper after paper into that bin.

Mae thinks it is because he is insecure about his handwriting. His writing is a little messy. Always filled with lines scratching over words, because the right words come to him a little slower. So he keeps filling sheet after sheet until he finds the one where everything looks perfect.

Her eyes wander around his office. For the most part, it is covered in darkness, except the candle burns on the ottoman in front of her.

And another one flickers from the small kitchen top that is placed against the wall, right opposite to his desk. A few shelves are built over it, and it also has a small place to light a fire, and cook some meals if needed.

On the right, there is a fireplace, to heat the room against the winter winds. And on the left, there is a couch, where Mae is seated. And just behind the couch, is a door that leads to Levi's connected bedroom.

Levi's bedroom is simple. There isn't a single crease on his neatly made bed, placed in the corner, right below a window. A clothing rack filled with his washed clothes is kept in the empty space. There's a plain cupboard with a mirror attached on one side. And that's all there is to it.

Everything is clean and sparkling, and it smells like fresh laundry.

Levi is super busy these days with all his work as a captain, now that his squad has been formed.

So Mae comes to his place instead. He's well-versed with all the basics, and he can manage just well on his own now. But it's not just about tutoring now. She comes to meet him because she likes him, and his company. He makes her happy, very happy.

And in a month's time she's going to work here anyways. She has sent a letter to Mr. Mendes. She has spoken with Erwin, and it's all set. So then why not get acquainted with the place as well.

But that excuse doesn't work really well, because she is always cooped up in Levi's office.

The moon is out and it is late, and as always she's perched on the couch waiting for her friend to finish his meeting so that she can quickly tell him the corrections in his paperwork and head back home.

Levi always makes sure she proofreads it and identifies all the mistakes, and then he fills another sheet once again, with all the corrections she just gave.

Mae always tells him that she can write over his words and correct all his mistakes. That would be so much more quick and efficient. But he never lets her write a single word on his sheet, because apparently her handwriting is so shitty that it is almost pitiful

As if on cue, Levi barges in with a cup of tea and more paperwork in his hands. Speak of the devil. "What the hell are you still doing here?"

"I was waiting for you, just like you told me too?"

"Don't remember telling you to wait for me when the meeting ended 2 fucking hours late, shithead. How the hell are you planning to go back this late?"

"I'll walk."

"You'll walk?" He cocks an eyebrow up, scrutinizing her with scrunched-up eyes.

Her cheeks tinge pink at his intense stare as she averts her eyes elsewhere, thinking about how he is probably seeing all the imperfections in her face. What was he even trying to do? Applying the Pythagoras theorem to her face?

"Wow, you're not even kidding," he deadpans. "Quick tell me if there are any corrections in my paperwork, while I finish my tea, we'll leave in 5 minutes."

"W-we?"

"Yeah, can't let our little shithead roam all alone this late now, can we? She'll end up getting kidnapped and annoying the shit out of the kidnappers until they're out for me." Even though Levi jests, it isn't like the matter in hand isn't serious.

The crime rate has increased so much more since the fall of Maria. Yeah the evacuees are gone, and things are close to normal. But 1/3rd of the land is still lost. Crop is still lost and nothing can make up for it. So the prices are close to what they were before, but they still aren't as low as they used to be.

And a lot of people were pushed to the path of crime during the economic crisis. And now they stay there because they find things easier this way.

It's unsafe to walk out so late, all alone, and so he'll walk her home.

And Mae is so lost in the flutter of her heart, that she doesn't realize that she's walked back late often before. When she used to make trips to her spot in the forest. But things have changed now, and Levi cares for her enough to not let her out to wander alone at night.

"Aww! Levi, you're concerned," she chuckles at how peculiarly he voices his concerns.

"Yeah I am...for the kidnappers. And why the hell are you getting red again" he questions as he pokes her cheek. It's become a common occurrence these days and Levi believes something is genuinely wrong with her. "It's not even cold here, are you sure you're not unwell?"

"N-no I'm alright,... let's get going," she adds quickly changing the subject. A small smile quirks up on her face at his words. And at how lost he is about romance as well.

She picks up the stack of paperwork kept on the ottoman, and goes over Levi's mistakes. Slowly and steadily they are getting lesser, and she is very happy with the progress he's making.

In a matter of minutes Levi has written the corrections down in his notebook, and they walk out of his room, into the hallway.

The hallways are dimly lit by torches that are attached beside every door. Their burning fire heats up the way, and gives the brick walls a golden glow.

It's 11 at night, and the headquarters are quiet. There is not a single person within sight, as the curfew starts at 10. And all the cadets are cooped in their dorms after then.

Levi and Mae walk side by side in silence, crossing room after room as they make their way towards the main gates.

Something rattles in the distance. Levi's attention snaps towards it, and the door to the library opens. Erwin walks out with folder stacked in his hands

His gaze is quick to catch Levi's, and his figure draws closer and closer, as he makes his way towards him.

"You are heading out Levi?" Erwin asks as he nods at him, and then at Mae.

"Taking this tomato home, what else, she had to wait and increase my work just like you guys."

"Tomato?"

"Yeah Mae, who else, lord knows what types of illnesses she catches."

Mae stares wide-eyed at Levi as the words leave his mouth. And she is sure that all shades of red ever known to man are all visible on her face. Walls! This is so embarrassing.

"L-Levi stop it," she stutters in a hushed tone. Fingers tugging at his sleeve for his attention.

Erwin studies Mae's stiff figure. Her face is beet red, and she tries to cower behind Levi's slender frame.

"What a horrible illness you have caught Mae!" he jokes as realization finally dawns upon him. "Do notify me of any further implications, please," and with that, a hearty laugh escapes his lips as he waves them goodbye and walks away.

━━━━━━━━━━━━

It's another day, another night and just like always Levi and Mae walk along the barren street and the flickering street lamps.

It has become a habit by now. Whenever she comes over to his place, she purposely stays until it's late, so that he walks her back, and she gets to spend more time with him. In her opinion, it's also a well deserved break that Levi needs, because god knows that man is a workaholic.

And he hardly takes any time out for himself.

And the town seems so serene at this time, there are hardly any people in sight. Everything is so quiet and it feels like they are the only ones living in the entire world.

Levi is a step ahead of Mae, eyes focused somewhere in the distance. And the both of them walk in silence. Listening to the sound of the crickets and the occasional wind.

"Mr. Mendes wrote back to me this time." Mae speaks out after a while.

Levi's gaze shifts, and he stops and swivels towards her.

"They are coming back in a month, exactly at the time when I was planning to leave."

"So.. are you planning to continue working at the clinic?" Levi quirks a brow, curious of what her answer will be.

"No... nothings going to stop me from leaving the clinic." Mae speaks with determination in her voice, but then she sighs, a little exhausted. " It's been more than a year and the only time he responds is when I write about leaving his damned clinic... My life feels like such a joke sometimes, I think god himself is trolling me..." .

Levi remains silent. Keeps the space open if she wants to add something else as well. And in a few seconds she voices her thoughts out loud. "I just think it's suspicious. It can't be that he decided to read one letter and that turned out to be the one where I wrote about working somewhere else. It's too much of a coincidence. I think he read all my letters but for some reason he didn't reply back to them..."

"Does it still bother you that he just left and you started ignoring you all of a sudden?"

There were days when she missed him so miserably, she would feel abandoned and lonely. But ever since she has started spending more time with Levi, the void caused by Mr. Mendes's absence has faded away. And Mae can't help but smile as she says, "it doesn't bother me a lot anymore."

Levi hums and a comfortable silence settles again. Their footsteps fall into perfect sync. Minute by minute their time together, tonight comes to an end, as the distance to her house reduces. And Mae savors the moments that she has with them.

And she doesn't notice Levi's steps get slower, his presence getting closer, until his hand grabs hers. "Levi?" She jolts out a little loud.

"Ssh, someone is following us," he whispers in return.

Mae can't hear any sounds or clues to confirm his suspicions, but Levi has always been very alert and sensitive to minute changes in the environment, and for something like this he can be undeniably trusted.

What is to be done is understood, they have to make the pursuers believe that they aren't yet aware of their presence.

So without turning her head back, she gives him a smile and continues to walk ahead.

But what she doesn't understand is that her dear student Levi isn't really planning to act and sneak her to her house. No, he is planning to confront the pursuers, as soon as they reach the upcoming crossroad.

With not many houses around there, it is the perfect location to beat them to a pulp.

Levi's hold tightens on her hand and Mae the feeling of security engulfs her whole being. The crossroad looks bigger and bigger as they walk towards it. And it's just a 15 minute walk to her home now and she hopes everything will be alright till then.

But Levi halts. Hand still holding hers in a gentle grip and body as calm as always. As if there is no one following after them.

And then he takes a 180 and turns around. Tucking her behind his frame as his eyes scan through the area.

"Oi! You shits can come out now," he yells out. And Mae can only stand frozen in shock as five bulky men walk out of the darkness. A wicked grin adorns their face, and a chill runs up her spine, as they step closer and closer towards them.

"Levi, what the fuck?" She whispers meekly.

He doesn't respond and his eyes remain focused straight ahead.

"Levi?" She clutches his upper arm with her free hand and tugs it in desperation, begging him to move so that they can run away.

"Levi." It isn't a whisper this time and her actions get frantic.

But Levi stands straight, unbothered by her ministrations. He doesn't budge an inch. He just stands calmly observing the men in front of him.

Mae watches them too, as stride forward. They are huge, and their build is brawny. Their biceps bulge out of the sleeves of their shirt, and she is sure their arms are big enough to cover her entire face, if flexed.

And then she looks at Levi who stands in front of them, with unwavering confidence. She doesn't know what he is thinking, but she knows that these men will break him into two, in a matter of minutes.

The men stop at a distance and Levi lets go of Mae's hand as he says, "Mae run, go straight to your house, I'll be there in a while."

But, Mae stands still, as she stares at Levi in shock "WHAT! Are you kidding me?"

There is a twitch in her leg, and a part of her is begging to run away. Her hands tremor with fear and she tries her best to not let the conflict in her mind show in her voice "LEVI ARE YOU BLIND! There are 6 men and all of them are at least a foot taller than you... You'll get your ass handed to you, how the hell are you going to escape from a situation like this."

Her jitters obviously don't go unnoticed by Levi. And even though his steady grip doesn't hold her back anymore, her concern for him does.

"Maybe you should listen to your darling and give up, we don't mean to harm you after all shortie. Just give us all the money you have in your wallet... and your little darling. She'll fetch us some good money in the market," the man in the center snickers, as he looks at Levi menacingly.

Mae's mouth runs dry as she hears those words. They want to sell her. And if Levi loses, which he probably will, then she will lose two of the most important things in her life. Him and her freedom.

Levi taps his feet, as his patience wears thin. Time is ticking, and any moment the men in front of him can charge his way, and start attacking him and Mae.

He looks at her through the corner of his eye. She is shivering and every ounce of dread that is running through her mind is clearly visible on her face. Yet she stands beside him, unwilling to back off and leave this place.

He clicks his tongue in frustration. Just if this woman could listen to him and go, he would get over with this in an instant.

"Oi" Levi waves his hand in front of her eyes. "You literally look like you just pissed your pants, so go RUN. I'll fight them off."

But his words fall on deaf ears, and it only leaves him more agitated. "Mae, you're useless in combat... just go away," he seethes through his teeth.

Mae's eyebrows contort into one of disgust. He is taking this situation very lightly, and now is not the time to be cocky and impractical. "You're a little stupid and overconfident Levi, but I'm not leaving you here alone to get beaten and robbed... So you don't need to act all cool and heroic... I'm staying, we'll figure out something together." Her voice cracks a little at the end, and tears well up in her eyes as she looks at her surroundings.

There are 5 men around them, and they are bound to gang up against Levi. And even though she is useless in combat, she will not leave him in so much danger.

She knows that Levi doesn't have much money on him, and if she escapes then they will have no leverage. The men will lose even if they win the fight, and she doesn't want to imagine the horrible things they'll do to Levi then.

Her hold on Levi's upper arm loosens, and her trembling body slowly lumbers forward until it is shielding him, hands raised up in surrender.

The men stand dauntingly in a semicircle in front of Mae. She gulps, but her resolve is strong. And there is no way she'll let Levi fight these guys and get his body mangled into pieces.

"You run faster than me Levi, I- I'll go with them, and buy you some time. You escape and get help from the military police... They want to sell me, so they won't harm me, physically at least... They'll want me... in a good condition."

"That's the worst fucking plan I've ever heard." Levi scoffs in response, and he yanks her back to the spot beside him.

"I AM NOT LEAVING YOU HERE TO FIGHT ALONE, OKAY. JUST SHUT UP, I'M TRYING TO THINK." She yells out, voice teetering close to an order..

"Sorry lovelies, we ain't got the time for all this," the leader snickers, clearly enjoying all that's happening in front of him. And then he points his finger at one of his cronies, and gestures to him to move forward.

Haughtily one walks out, stretching his bulky arms as he walks towards the short pair.

"Mae run, MAE RUN," Levi booms. Hastily placing his hand on her head, and making her bow down with him as he evades the punch that the man throws.

Swiftly, Levi swiftly grips the goon's wrist and twists it with all his might. The sound of a bone breaking pierces through. The goon loses himself in the moment of pain, and Levi turns around and yells at Mae in his most commanding voice, "MAE GO."

His tone is dripping with frustration. He doesn't understand why she can't just listen to him and leave him alone. And with her lack of experience in combat she'll get them both in trouble.

He turns his head around and looks at her. His jaw is clenched and his eyebrows are furrowed. And then his furious eyes meet Mae's teary ones. They are watery, brimming with fear and... concern, so much concern.

She's clutching onto his arm tightly, and nodding her head left and right, telling him that she is not going to leave him . One jerk and he can yank her off him.

A mellow expression takes over Levi's face. He releases the breath he has been holding since long, and he gives her a nod of reassurance. "I'll be fine, just trust me and go."

Mae watches as the goon yelps in pain, trying to get his wrist off Levi's iron grip. He uses his other hand in the process too, but Levi still remains so calm and stiff. His body doesn't even budge an inch. And nor does his gaze shift from hers.

But this is just one man, how will Levi ever be able to take down 4 more like him.

Watching their comrade suffer, the leader tells two others to help him. And Levi's eyes widen as he catches the sound of their footsteps threading closer, and closer.

"Mae, have faith in me, I'll come back alright... just go. I'm going to fight them, and you will only cause me more hassle if you stay here" His eyes are unwavering and he speaks with so much resolve, that a part of her mind is convinced that he'll be alright.

Her hands around his bicep loosens and she gave his hand a tight squeeze with her trembling hands. She doesn't know if he'll win this fight, but she does know that if he plans to fight, then she'll only be deadweight.

"Y-you promise me you'll come back alright," her voice breaks and her eyes glow fresh with tears.

Levi looks forward, gaze sharp at the men who cautiously step towards him, "I promise."

"I'm s-sorry" she stammers as she throws him one last remorseful look. And then she runs, runs without throwing a glance back because she knows that if she sees even a glimpse of Levi getting beaten up, her will would crumble.

━━━━━━━━━━━━

Drenched in sweat, Mae rests her hand on a wall and takes a break, to steady her breaths.

She can feel the cool beads of sweat that stream down her face. Her breaths are quick and heavy. And her heart burns in the worst way possible. It feels like it will fall out of her chest anytime now.

She wipes the sweat on her forehead with the back of her hand and surveys the scene in front of her. 3 men have fallen flat on the ground and two are still fighting with Levi, attacking him at the same time.

Her heart beats frantically, both due to exhaustion and fear, and she hopes that she's here in good time.

Taking a steady form, she charges towards the goon who has his back towards her. And then she hits him with all the force she could. With a pan, right on his head.

Already fatigued and fully engaged in his fight with Levi, the man immediately drops unconscious. Both the other combatants look at her and on instinct Levi, grasps both the hands of his opponent, lest he attempts to target Mae instead.

Their eyes meet for a fleeting moment. Levi seems to be doing pretty well, but without putting much thought into it she quickly makes her way to the other men laying on the floor. Beating their head with the pan a few more times, and then checking their pulse and their eye.

Shortly, the leader falls to the ground, many of his bones broken and parts swollen. "Pl-please join us, yo-you'll have the highest pay," he chokes out as he looks at the short man with pleading eyes.

"Tch," Levi puts his shoe on his face, not even bothering to answer as his eyes fall on Mae, examining whatever weird shit she's doing. She's hitting the unconscious men with a pan on their head. And then flipping them over to check their eye and pulse?

With a final kick on the leader's face, Levi walks towards her, "Oi, what the hell are you doing?"

Mae's head turns towards Levi instantly, and tears prick her eyes as she spots the big patch of blood-staining his shirt.

"Levi", she gasps. The pan in her hand drops and clatters against the road as she races ahead..

In a breath she's in front of him. Hands reaching out, towards the red stain and fingers hastily unbuttoning his shirt.

Levi's eyes widen, eyebrows scrunching up as he looks at her in disgust. Instinctively he pushes her away, almost yelling in her face, "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?"

"Levi, you're wounded," she whimpers as her hands reach out towards his crimson shirt once again.

But he swats them away in an instant. Uncomfortable at the thought of being undressed by someone. His hardened gaze flits towards hers- to tell her to stop this bullshit, but when he looks at her face, it is so full of hurt and shame.

Her back slouches as she looks to her feet, fiddling with her fingers as even more tears fall from her eyes. This is all her fault, she shouldn't have left him all alone. He is injured because he was accompanying her and she stayed up late at his office. "I'm sorry," she speaks in a timid voice.

Great! Now all he feels is regret. Levi lets out an annoyed sigh as he unbuttons his shirt," It's not my blood, look, I'm alright, not even a scratch or anything," he calmly states, trying to be as reassuring as possible.

Slowly her eyes look up at his toned chest, only to find some blood smeared on it. "C-can I see knuckles?"

And Levi compliantly follows, not wanting to upset her anymore.

Satisfied with her inspection, Mae quietly gasps "you're a- alright."

Her eyes meet with his for a fleeting moment before they look down again, but Levi doesn't miss her bloodshot eyes, still moist from all the crying. He doesn't miss the glossy rivulets of sweat that deluge her droopy eyes and reddened face.

His gaze darts downwards as he takes in her tousled state and wilted frame. Her knuckles now pale, tightly clutching the sides of her dress which is splattered in dust, even ripped at a few places. There is a knife, in her waistband, and he has no idea where she got it from

And she even has a fresh bruise on her forehead.

Tch, what a mess. Why the hell did she come back when he clearly told her not to?

"You're injured," he plainly states.

The threat is over, and the stillness brings forth the searing ache that throbs in Mae's knee. The bruise peeks through the rip in her dress. And lifting its hem, she stares at the wound.

Pebbles stick to her skin, buried in the edges of the cut. And dirt coats the hot blood that trails down her knee. It hurts like a bitch.

"I am", she affirms to herself, "I fell when I was running."

Levi's hand slides down his pocket, and he pulls out a handkerchief. "Here take this."

Instantaneously, Mae takes the napkin and presses it on her injured knee. The dirt gathered in her cuticles doesn't go unnoticed, and her movements hesitate as vicious thoughts fill her head.

Here she is a damsel in distress, and then there is Levi, who fought all the thugs and is still calm and collected.

And now they are wasting time on a cut that her clumsy self got and he just waits.

Her movements hasten as she rubs her knee roughly, trying to get the dried blood and debris off the cut on her knee.

Levi sighs as he looks at her frantically cleaning the blood on her knee. She is a mess, both emotionally and physically.

"You're causing more damage," his voice is soft and Mae's eyes widen as Levi kneels down in front of her.

Levi takes the napkin from her hands, and her body shudders as she feels his warm hand wrap around the back of her knee. The fingers of his other hand are covered in the napkin. Wiping the blood that trails down her knee, as they slowly reach upward towards her injury.

Gently touches wanders over her wound, removing the pebbles stuck on her skin. She bites the insides of her cheek in an attempt to not let any pained sound from vocalizing.

After a minute, the pain fades away. And a soft fabric wraps around her knee. Levi's hands tie a knot at the back to hold the napkin in place, like a bandage. And his warm gesture makes the butterflies Mae's stomach dance in bliss .

"Do I have to do everything for you... you are a doctor aren't you?" The moonlight catches his silver orbs, as he looks up at her. His hand is still lingering on the bandage. And the sweat coating his face makes his skin glow.

Beautiful, absolutely beautiful.

And here she is smeared with dust and blood, a complete mess. Her dress is filthy and her hair is knotted. She is sure she looks ugly. Embarrassment floods her mind once again.

"Does it hurt?" Levi asks as he sees the gloomy expression that flashes on her face again.

Mae gulps. As it is she has wasted enough of his time, by making him walk her home. And now she even got her stupid self injured.

"No... let's get going," she affirms confidently, as she turns away from him, and makes her way towards the pan that lays next to the bodies of the unconscious men.

But Levi doesn't miss the limp in her step as she ambles ahead.

Liar.

"It doesn't? Okay catch up with me then," Levi jogs ahead of her. And once he has a lead, he turns around and watches her trying to hobble his way. Determination is plastered on her face, and her pace increases when she sees the way Levi tauntingly stands.

He sighs, his expression softening at the woman in front of him.

He's looking at a woman, who always prioritizes keeping safe, rather than taking a risk and getting yourself killed. He's looking at a woman who is practical and self-aware of her own weaknesses. Who makes decisions in accordance to her abilities.

And he doesn't understand why she came back, when he clearly told her not to. It would have made the whole task a whole lot easier. It isn't like her to act so irrationally.

In her haste, Mae continues rushing ahead. Midway, her face winces in pain, and a small gasp escapes her mouth. The white napkin on her knee is now splotched in blood again. And for a fleeting moment Levi sees the despondency that flashes on her face

It's only then that he realizes that this woman who told him to stick to Miche, and not risk his life, was ready to lose hers, knowing that she was absolutely powerless in comparison to him. She was ready to fight these men who were a foot and a few inches taller than her, when she knew she couldn't even hurt a fly.

And even though a part of him wants to lecture her for acting so out of nature and irrationally this time, a part of him just feels so ... cherished, so valued.

Warmth spreads in his chest, as he looks at her defeated form. Her eyebrows are pinched together, and she frowns as she looks at him. But still she continues to limp towards him, at her own slow pace. Ignoring the ache in her leg.

He walks towards her, and her gaze falls down to the ground.

"Why do you always have to be so stubborn? Hmm?... You are a doctor, don't you know what's best for you?

She gulps heavily, and then mutters, "sorry."

Levi stares down at her, gaze dawdling on her eyes, before it flits down to her wounded knee. It's bleeding even more, and he doesn't know how she's planning to walk all the way home now.

He turns around, so that his back faces her. And then he squats down. "I'll carry you home."

Mae's cheeks heat up at the suggestion. And even though she wants to jump at the opportunity of being so close to Levi, hesitation lingers in her mind as well.

The food shortage is over, and she has snacked on all the types of dishes that she had missed for an entire year. And now she feels a little anxious about the extra pounds that she has gained.

And right now, she is filthy as well. "Are you sure? I mean- I can walk it not like--"

"Shut up." Levi sneers as he throws her a sideward glance. And Mae can feel his eyes burning holes through her skin. She swallows thickly, and takes a step closer to him.

Placing her hands on his sturdy shoulders, she puts her legs through his looped arms. And as her chest presses to his back, she feels how muscular he is. Every part of his body is hard and toned, lean muscle.

He stands up, in a swift motion. With no support or even a stumble. And she can't help but be a little astonished at how strong he is.

He doesn't look that strong, his body is lean, not brawny like most men, who take pride in their strength.

"Am I too heavy? You can drop me if you get tired." Levi sighs but he doesn't miss the concern in Mae's voice.

"Why are you always underestimating my strength?"

"Levi you are a short, skinny man, and you just beat up 5 men... you must be tired."

"And you are a tiny ass woman, as if lifting you isn't a piece of cake."

Mae sighs, and wraps her arms around Levi's neck. "You just aren't realistic when it comes to your strength."

Levi stares ahead, at the path he needs to take. Unconscious bodies are scattered around and he knows he has injured them enough that they won't wake up until next afternoon. And by then they'll already be arrested.

His eyes fall on the metal pan that shines silver in the moonlight. And he remembers how Mae was beating the heads of these already unconscious men, and then checking their pulse and eye.

"Should I carry this...weapon along? Or are we planning to forget it? He teases, as he walks towards it.

"Carry it." She mutters as she rests her chin a little above his clavicle.

"What were you even doing with this?"

"I was checking if those men are unconscious, what if they are just pretending to be unconscious and throw mud in your eyes later? I mean I would definitely try some trick like that... because obviously I don't have the strength or technique to go off without a ruse or a backup plan..." Her voice trails off. "I-I also got a knife for you... I thought it might help... It's a kitchen knife though. I went around knocking at the near buy houses, and asked them for help. They gave me whatever they could."

Levi can feel the mumble of her words against his skin. He can feel her heart beat rapidly against his back. And her warm breaths that softly graze the side of his face.

And he is so used to fighting for himself and for his survival, that this surprising behavior of hers is evoking emotions he has never experienced before. A pleasant sensation surges through his chest and his mood lightens, from the irksome fight he just had.

The world around him feels a little brighter, and a fuzzy feeling makes his heart flutter as her words echo in his head-

"I'm not leaving you here alone to get beaten and robbed."

"You don't need to act all cool and heroic... I'm staying, we'll figure out something together."

"I am not leaving you here, okay, just shut up, I'm trying to think."

He remembers the night when he first saw the stars with Isabel and Furlan.

They were nagging him about going on the expedition as well. They told him that they were together in this too, just like they had been in the underground, and he recalled how happy it made him... That was the first time someone told him they were with him.

And, this is the second.

Levi's gaze falls down to her feet that sway with every step he takes. And he internally chuckles at her weird antics.

This stupid shithead who shivered like she had just seen a titan at the sight of intimidating-looking weak asses. Also came back for him, with a pan and a knife, just 5 minutes after he'd told her to go home.

A small smile creeps up on his face, and his heart dances with joy at the selfless concern she has for him. After more than a year and a half of losing Farlan and Isabel, he finally feels wanted. Not just for his exceptional strength, but for the grumpy, awkward man that he is.

He has figured it out, his emotions. He is feeling happy because he feels looked after. The last two years have been so full of loneliness, since his friends had died. But now, after so long does he finally see a glimmer of hope... or it can just be because of how stupid she is sometimes, it almost funny.

'You are stupid and cocky, don't go up against 6 men taller than you.'........my ass.

Yeah, to be honest, he hasn't completely figured out that fuzzy feeling yet, but that isn't really bothering him at the moment. For once his mind doesn't feel tormented by his past or the future. And he just relishes in the cool night, the warmth of her skin and the exhilaration that overwhelms his body today.

Mae's head perks up as Levi enters the familiar lane where her house is situated.

She glances at the door longingly. It looks bigger and bigger as Levi walks towards it. And oh! how badly she just wants to hide in there and never come out because of her embarrassment.

In no time, Levi is right in front of it, squatting down again, and she quickly gets off his back.

"Thank you Levi," Mae mumbles, as she walks towards the door, without throwing him a glance or showing him her face. And Levi knows the usually high-spirited girl isn't back by how low her voice sounds.

She never bids him off like that. There's always a smile on her face, as she waves her hand with enthusiasm. And she doesn't step inside her house again, until she sees his figure retreating away, fading behind the house at the end of the street.

His hand reaches forward and latches on to hers. Fingers wrapping around her wrist. They are strong yet gentle, and they don't let her move any further.

She turns around at the gesture. But her head is still bowing down, and Levi doesn't know why she won't look at him.

He wants her to look at him. He wants to see her smile before he walks back to the headquarters.

"Oi you okay?" His hand still lingers on her wrist, and then slowly it roves down her skin. Fingers sliding down her knuckles, to the white ends of her nails.

But Mae's gaze is still fixed on the floor, and she just slightly nods her head, up and down. Conveying a yes.

Obviously, Levi doesn't buy it. Gingerly, he places his thumb under her chin, and lifts her head upwards.

Her eyes are glossy, sparkling with unshed tears. And her nose is still red and puffy. Warmth fills his chest again, as he looks at her face. And Levi knows he's bad with communication, but he thinks he will explode if he doesn't get this feeling out of his system.

"Thank you, for staying by my side and coming back for me." He speaks softly. And even in the quiet night, his voice is low, just loud enough for her to hear. Because the words are only meant for her ears.

"You don't t-think I just messed everything up a-and caused you more trouble?" she stumbles over her words, and insecurity floods her again.

The corners of his lips twitch upwards into a curve. And in an instant he looks ten times younger. A small crinkle forms below his right eye. And Mae stands frozen at the beautiful sight in front of her.

Levi is smiling and it is absolutely heart-stopping. And she holds in a breath as she realizes this is the first time she has ever seen him smile.

She can't help the faint curve of her own lips, as she looks at him. He's smiling at her, and that itself makes her so happy.

"No, you did well," he pats her head, and she relishes in his touch.

A small sparkle flickers in her eyes, and her smile widens. He doesn't think she's irritating and burdensome, he doesn't think she's stupid and useless, and that's all the reassurance she ever needs.

No words are exchanged, but it's a beautiful moment. Filled with genuine smiles and warm gestures.

The moon gleams in the dark, its silver hue present everywhere. Levi's heart runs at a 100 miles per hour and he blames it on the sudden adrenaline rush during the fight.

Mae smiles in front of him and he never thought that he had the power to make anyone so happy. After all his hands have only spread terror and pain, wherever her went.

And as Levi looks at her elated face, he realizes he hasn't been this happy in a long time as well.

Author's note:

ITS FINALLY HAPPENING! (The fall in the chapter title is related to Levi not Mae.)

This was one of the first chapters I wrote for this fic.

I started writing the story in feb last year, and those days I would write and publish 700 word chapters everyday on wattpad. Obviously I was trying but the writing was pretty shitty. Then I decided to unpublish it and just have the entire story planned out before I start publishing the chapters.

The plot became clear in my head, and then I would write chapters randomly depending on my mood because I knew what was happening in each chapter. So this was actually the first chapter that I wrote and LIKED. I saw an improvement in my writing, but yet back then it was only at 1500 words and left incomplete.

And obviously I edited quite a lot of stuff when I added in more details during winter last year. Now its at 6.6 k lol.

I hope you enjoyed it. Feedback is obviously very appreciated. If anyone at any point feels disappointed with something, I'd like to know about that as well. Because I like listening to different opinions.

Thank you for reading! See you next Sunday.

Taglist: @keijikunn

34 notes · View notes

levis-coffeecup · 2 years

Text

Chapter 14 | Hopeless Fools

WC-5.6 k

Content/Warnings

canon- compliant, canon-typical violence, descriptions of PTSD, grief, depression, heavy angst and themes, strong language.

Author's note:

Okay so I’m back!

This chapter takes place 3 weeks after the previous chapter. As in 3 weeks after Mae left the Survey Corps. Also I have proofread this chapter in a hurry, so if there are any typos or grammatical errors please do tell me about it.

The song for this chapter is The Wisps Song- by winter aid. I hope you guys like it!

Chapters

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22

Masterlist | Playlist | Other Works

AUG 846

Levi tries his best to not tap his feet in nervousness, as he sits in the Commander's office. His hands are crossed and his legs are crossed as well. And he subtly wipes his palms on his jacket to hide the sweat has seeped through his skin.

And obviously, his signature frown adorns his face to complete the look.

It is Sunday, and even though Erwin's counseling sessions had stopped right after Levi became a captain. Today he is here because he needs it.

His brows are furrowed and the tip of his ears turn pink, as the question asked rings through his head. Do you want to be her lover?

"I don't want to be her stupid lover. I just want her to be happy and have a good life, keep her away from all the shittiness of the world," He feigns annoyance as he speaks, and the frown on his face intensifies

"Oh! So you want to be her protector then?" Erwin stifles a chuckle, trying his hardest to keep a straight face.

"You're having fun with this aren't you?" Levi grumbles, his glare throwing daggers at Erwin.

"Well, this is the first time you are actually taking our sessions seriously." He leans forward, resting his elbows on the table, as he looks at Levi with a perceptive gaze.

Levi has changed. He's gotten snappier and it takes him longer to do his paperwork. His body is always alert and he can still sense anyone coming at him, but his mind is lost in thought. Like something is always tugging at his mind, his emotions, his everything. As if something is crippling him from the inside.

And one can see how he's cracking under the pressure, with how his eyes are tinged red at the corner, and how sloppy he has gotten with his paperwork due to his constant exhaustion.

And even though Levi hasn't told him what's bothering him yet, Erwin already knows what it is.

"You are a useless little piece of shit," Levi sneers and he pushes his chair back. " I'm leaving." And as he stands up, he prays in his head that Erwin calls him back inside, because only Levi knows how helpless he actually feels.

It is pathetic, the situation he is in. But he has no choice, he feels stranded in the current of his thoughts and the deserted plains of his mind. Like a direction-less wanderer, parched and looking for shade, from the overbearing sun that he never seems to escape.

"Okay, okay wait, I'm sorry" Erwin mutters and his steps halt as he breathes in a sigh of relief

Erwin clears his throat, and a serious expression takes over his face, "She's gone now and probably married too... The chances of the both of you getting together are negligible. But if the guilt is eating you alive, then you should find her and apologize. You were horrible to her Levi, and she was a good friend of yours. At least end it on good terms."

She's gone now, the words reiterate in Levi's head.

He remembers waking up in the warm hospital ward, with weakness in his body and the constant ache that throbbed around his waist. And he knew the moment, he smelled the scent of lavender lingering on his bandages that Mae was here.

And he asked everyone, about where she was, and where she went.

She was with Ivan, everyone said, and that was the only answer that he could get

And he remembers the overbearing ache in his heart when he finally realized that she was out of his grasp. Things had happened exactly the way he had wanted them too. But he couldn't apologize and he couldn't thank her for taking care of him, when he was injured and even just in general.

It is silent for a moment, and Erwin can see the conflicted look on Levi's face. His arm extends, and rests, on Levi's shoulder. Giving him assurance, that he needs. "It's okay, take your time to think Levi, it's dinner time now, go eat something."

━━━━━━━━━━━━

The dining hall is bustling and Levi can see his squad sitting at their designated table. Oluo bickers about something and Petra looks like she is trying her best not to explode right there, and Eld and Gunther whisper amongst themselves as usual.

And Levi often finds himself having meals with them, despite his dislike for eating in such a chaotic and filthy environment. But the mindless chatter drowns the constant whispers of his inner self, and these days all he craves for is an escape from himself.

His eyes scan through the room until they land on a cadet speaking to her friends animatedly. The she takes out a paper packet from her jacket, and proudly shows it to all her friends with a wide grin on her face. Her hand dips inside it and emerges out with a cookie.

A few seconds pass by, and everyone at her table has their hands full with one as well.

And Levi clicks his tongue in annoyance. His eyebrows scrunching up as he pinches the bridge of his nose.

How desperately he is trying to find distractions in the most mundane things, but all he finds is her. He finds her everywhere, in blooming flowers and in small acts of kindness.

Someone taps on his shoulder and he looks back.

It is Petra. She looks at him with kind eyes and a warm smile. "Heichou, would you like to sit with us, today as well?"

She has become so fond of Mae, it is because of her dedication that her captain has recovered. And Levi could see it all in her eyes when she asked him why Mae left all of a sudden.

He swallows thickly, the offer is tempting. The mess hall is busy, and the corridors leading to his office are empty. And he doesn't want to be lonely, when his own thoughts are acting as his enemy.

And once again he wants to escape from himself and the guilt that crushes him. But for how long will this go on? It's been 3 weeks already and this can't keep going forever.

So he shakes his head, and turns his face, lumbering into the corridors, far away from the mess hall.

The infirmary is approaching, and his mind flickers to when he had first woken up.

Erwin and Hange were around him in an instant and his squad was teasing him about Mae. Telling him how she stayed beside him the entire time. And even though he wanted to act furious, he couldn't help the small smile forming on his face.

He doesn't understand how she is compassionate enough to care about him despite all the things that he has done. And even though she is long gone, it doesn't mean that she isn't the best thing that's ever happened to him.

Hange berated him the next day about how miserable she was because of him. Mae had left, and he could only drown in regret.

They called him a coward, no one had ever called him that.

He was still in bed and his body was weak, but that didn't mean he couldn't punch them. Yet he didn't have the urge to, because he knew it was true.

Deep down, he's always been a coward. He keeps his distance from people because he is scared to lose them. And he never opens up because he's scared that once people know everything about him, they'll realize that he's not good enough.

So he listened to Hange with his head down, as they spewed truths he was too scared to admit.

A heaviness surrounds his heart. Just thinking about it makes him feel like he is reliving it all again. It's too overwhelming

A picture flashes red in his head. It is her, with her feet dangling up in the air. And hands slapping his forearms for release as pained pleads leave her mouth repeatedly.

On habit, his arm extends forward, and his fingers trace over a clothed patch on his forearm. It's the spot where her tears had fallen.

What he did that day is by no means unusual for him. He has picked plenty up by the collar. Cadets who are slacking off during training. Fools who get too impulsive during missions. But life in the military is harsh, and life in the underground is harsher.

And he is too harsh for her.

What he did was too harsh for a civilian, who's never picked a knife to harm someone. And his action that day, made all his fears come true.

He wasn't good enough, that's the reason Kenny left him. And it's been decades since then. He thought he'd improved. He definitely got better at fighting. But maybe he'll never be good enough.

The corridors are empty and deserted as all the crowd sits in the mess hall. But this is where he's supposed to be. Forever alone, because he isn't capable of love.

Levi's shoulder wilt forward, and he lets out an exhausted sigh. He feels filthy, he needs a shower.

His steps hasten, and in no time the door to his quarters comes to his sight. Locked as usual, he inserts the key into the keyhole and the opens it up with a click.

His office is spotless. Not a speck of dirt found anywhere. But the state he's in is given away by the stack of paperwork that had been on his table for weeks.

Without throwing the desk a single glance, Levi darts towards his room.

He strips himself out of his clothes, and just as he's about to walk into the bathroom, the full length mirror in his room catches his attention.

The cut on his stomach is pink now, contrasting the dark crimson that once flowed out of it. His legs are strong and he can painlessly stand on both of them. His waist has healed too, and he can almost do all the stunts that he did before.

It has only been 3 weeks and he has recovered so speedily. And it's ironic, how body is anew, but his mind is still circling around the same things. He is a hopeless fool.

His head hangs low, as he walks into the shower.

The sun is setting and its pink rays filter through the small window, dousing everything in a rosy hue. Birds fly towards the vermillion sun, blending into the sky, as their cries rouse the moon.

Night is approaching and Levi knows that he has to prepare for the worst. Because days are okay, interacting with people is distracting and it takes away his guilt for a few minutes. But nights are restless and quaintly silent.

It is something he first reveled in, but now it just makes way for endless chatter of his inner self. It whispers softly in his ears, rambling about the broken look on her face. It is futile, and he is exhausted from drowning in a pool of his own thoughts that tell him he's pathetic.

And even though he blames it all on the dull and dark night, he knows it is the darkness in him that swallows him whole.

It is at night when he feels truly helpless, and falls into a familiar spiral of self lamentation, with no way out.

But sometimes he can feel a warmth engulf his hand, a gentle touch roving over his thumb and guiding him in the dark. It stays beside him until the sun has awoken.

He believes it is something left by Mae, just like the other million things she has left with him. From sewing his cravat to stitching the wound on his abdomen, her essence is imbued in almost everything he does.

There is a lot he owes her.

He twists the tap. Coldwater splatters over his face, and cascades down his hair to his toned stomach.

But the cold water doesn't cool down the spot in his forearm that has been smoldering ever since her tears touched it. The cold water doesn't wash off how filthy he feels.

━━━━━━━━━━━━

Levi taps his fingers on the mahogany doorway. His face scrunches up in disapproval at the obscurely illuminated space as the smell of booze overpowers his senses.

The musty room in front of him is filled with unkempt men, haphazardly crowding on the tables, their boisterous laugh erupts every now and then like a chorus in some song.

Taverns are fucking disgusting, and 'fortunately' for him, this is the 4th one he is visiting today.

Carefully, he makes his way to the quiet table in the corner, and pulls his hood lower in an attempt to not draw any attention to himself.

He takes a seat, and scans through the room studying the different people present until they finally land on what he has been searching for.

A cream-colored dress saunters through the room. Deep necked and fastened at the waist. It flawlessly accentuates the female figure. And it's accompanied by a pair of brown high heels, painted red lips and kohl outlined eyes.

And suddenly the bar doesn't seem dim anymore.

Levi watches wide-eyed as Mae strides to a table. Balancing two trays on top of her hands, as she serves ale to a group of men. Gracefully engaging in a conversation with them.

Her presence illuminates the entire establishment, and a faint shade of red makes its way to Levi's cheeks as he shyly averts his gaze. He has never seen her so dolled up, shit....she looks gorgeous.

He looks out of the window, right beside him. The streets are quiet, it's 10 at night. And he catches a breath of relief, now that he's finally found her.

For days he has searched for her. He did know quite a few tricks that would be rather helpful, but they were dirty tactics, and he didn't want to use his ways of the Underground anymore, Because that wasn't something Mae would like.

Hange had been of no help. He pestered them day and night, and all they told him was that she's still in town.

The clinic where she worked was now turned into a grocery shop. And no one in her entire vicinity had seen her around the past couple of weeks.

Her house was deserted as well. On his day-offs he would sit in front of it for hours, waiting for her to come by. But to no avail. The neighbors said that Ivan had left, but they weren't aware about where he went as well.

He literally searched store after store, everywhere leaving the poorer sections of the town, but people have hardly seen her around. Then one shopkeeper said that he saw a person matching the description in some tavern. And now he is here.

The sound of heels clicking echoes against the tiles. It snaps Levi out of his thoughts and his head turns and finds a red head of hair approaching him.

"Hi, my name is Raz. Welcome to our establishment. What would you like to have today?" red lips chimes as they throw him a smile.

"A cup of black tea." He speaks in a gruff voice. His stoic mask ever so intact as if it hadn't just cracked a moment ago.

The lady jots it down on her notepad. And then she looks up and winks at him. "It'll be ready in no time."

And it's only when he sees the lady walk away, does he realize how scandalous the dress actually is. The skirt barely reaches the knees, and the bodice is tight at the waist and deep necked. Revealing quite a lot of skin.

And he can't help but wonder, why the waitresses dressed so skimpily with their features painted?

He frowns at men around him, fervidly staring at the women serving them. Some don't even hide the glances they threw at their cleavages.

Levi clenches his jaw as he turns away from the sight in anger.

Finding her was so hard, it almost made him pull his hair out. And now he finds her in a filthy place like this. Filled with drunken men, wearing a skimpy outfit.

Why is she even working a job like this, and why the hell is her shitty fiancé doing?

It can't be. He was sure Ivan was a nice guy. And his perception of people has never been so awfully wrong.

He downs his tea in one go, in frustration. This place is unsafe. And it kills him to know that she is working here, and her fiancé is allowing it.

And its taking every ounce of self- restraint for him to not burst into her house, and beat the shit out of her husband.

Isn't she supposed to be living comfortably in Sina by now?

This isn't the life he wanted for her. This isn't the life that he distanced himself from her, for.

━━━━━━━━━━━━

Its been 2 weeks, and once again, Mae finds herself standing a few tables behind the cloaked man. Staring at his back as she stretches her arm out to clean the table with a rag.

It has almost become a habit now. Sometimes she finds herself doing it, even when the table hasn't been used all day. Maybe its because cleaning reminds her of Levi... and she still doesn't know if it's him.

She often eyes the man when he enters the place. He is a frequent customer, coming once or twice every week. He is short, just as short as Levi. And he orders black tea as well.

If only Mae heard his voice and didn't avoid waiting at his table as if it was some plague, she would know for sure who he was. If only she didn't turn her head away as soon as the man's gaze landed on her..

And if only that man removed the oversized hood over his face for once, so that she could see his face.

If it is Levi, then he can probably feel her intense stares, burning holes in the back of his head. Because apparently, all the superhuman things he said he could do weren't cocky exaggerations, but the flagrant truth.

But then again why would he of all people come here, in such a filthy place, especially when he himself told Mae to get the fuck out of his life.

And well Levi is a busy man, he hardly had any time for himself once he became the captain. And there is no way in hell he would come here, to waste his time like this. When he doesn't even like to drink and this is not the best place for tea.

A loud round of snickers and claps erupt through the tavern, and Mae's head swivels towards the center table.

It is crowded with drunk men who still want to go on drinking. And Raz stands in between them all. The men unabashedly stare at her cleavage as she bends over the table to pick up the empty cups in the corner and bring them closer to her.

She flashes them a wobbly smile, as she pours in some more malt into their jugs. But the uneasiness can be clearly seen in her eyes

Beads of sweat have seeped on her forehead, and her bright green eyes are timid, casted downwards. Her actions are done in haste, and as soon as she is done serving, she scurries away from the place.

She exhales heavily, as she walks towards Mae. "Shit... that table is always so nerve-wracking... I got scared when they started laughing all of a sudden." She heaves as she places a hand on her heart.

"I know... I know." Mae stands beside her and gives her a moment to collect her breath.

Things like this happen in the tavern. It's not that often, but it's also not rare. It's the time of the night, where men finally have some time to relax with some drinks, and a lady if things turn out right.

Attract customers, flirt with men and serve them drinks, it's easy money.

Mae hates the job, but she also needs it. So the only option she has is to tug her skirt down, and try to cover most of her skin with the scanty blouse that she has to wear.

A few minutes pass by, and then the group of men raise their hands up again.

"It's not even 10 yet, and they have already ordered 5 times." Raz frowns and her lips curl inwards, as she crosses her arms around her chest in a somewhat protective stance.

"I know, and they have brought in quite the crowd," Mae sighs, as she wipes the sweat on her forehead with the back of her hand.

"Mae, they are quite drunk. Be careful when you serve them."

Mae nods timidly at the statement. Carefully, she fills all the mugs with ale, and lifts the tray up.

Taking a deep breath in, she slowly makes her way to the men.

An obnoxious uproar of laughter breaks from the table. It almost makes her freeze in her tracks, and avert her body away as a queasy feeling settles in her throat.

To be honest, the group always made everyone uncomfortable with their sinister smiles and flirty talks, but they were also regular customers. And so not much could be done.

The last waitress was fired because one of the men tried groping her private parts and she threw the malt in his face. But Mae is in no position to leave this job, and nor is Raz. So they bite back their tongue, trying to be as polite and decent as possible. And take chances to serve the table alternately.

Mae's head swivels back towards Raz. And Raz flashes a reassuring smile and a thumbs up, despite the evident vertical lines that dance between her brows.

The group starts cheering as they see Mae making her way towards them. And she feels them gawking at her with lewd eyes.

It feels like walking into a lion's den, weaponless.

She bites her lips, to make them stop quivering. And as she reaches the table, fear takes over her entire body.

She needs to speak and greet, and maybe flirt with them as well. It is a part of the job, but no words came out of her mind. And all her senses are overpowered by the uncomfortable situation.

She smiles shakily, as she places the tray on the table.

A hand lands on her butt with a smack. The fingers dig into her flesh, and all the men on the table hoot out loud. And fear blazes through her body, like a drop of green paint that spreads into water.

She stiffens and her hand trembles as she attempts to tilt the jar full of malt. And all the color drains out of her face as the hand roves over her butt and squeezes it again.

The other men cheer her offender, "Robin, Robin," they roar and whistle.

She takes in another shaky breath to calm herself, but even before she can complete it, the invasive touch is pulled away.

Robin topples to the floor along with his chair. And an olive cloak stands in between , swiftly increasing the distance between her and her offender. Effortlessly throwing punches at the latter.

Blood spills on the floor, staining both the floor and his fists, an eerie silence falls over as everyone watches aghast. Robin's face is barely recognizable, the relentless punches only worsen his condition. It is pure rage, raw and merciless.

"Touch her and I'll kill you," he seethes, so gruff and deathly. And Mae's breath hitches as his voice falls into her ears.

Levi.

She wobbles backward.

This is no time to get emotional. And her job isn't going to wait for her to become tranquil.

The grandfather clock chimes 10:00, and only 2 hours are left until she will be done for the day. And dabbing away the glint of moisture pricking her eyes, she turns, heading back towards Raz.

But sturdy fingers wrap around her wrist, trapping her in place.

And Mae doesn't need to look back to know it is Levi. Those calloused fingers still feel the same, and his presence still feels the same. The lids of her eye shut close in defeat as he yanks her forward, and drags her out of the tavern.

Why is he here when all she wants to do is forget him?

The alley is dark. The moon is covered by heavy clouds that are bound to spill by midnight. Street lamps are scarcely scattered and its candles cast flickering shadows down the road.

A few people roam around, heading back home.

And Levi halts right under a streetlamp, in a way where all its light falls on Mae, and he can exactly see what is brewing on in her head, through the expressions on her face.

But she doesn't meet his gaze, and she stares at his shadow instead, as he yanks the hood off his head. If she looked up then she would see the concerns that floods his eyes, as if to reassure her that it's him. And she doesn't have to be scared anymore.

He will protect her.

And Mae scoffs as he stares at his shadow. As if she needs to see his face to know it is him. When everything from his touch to the way he keeps his room is etched into her brain.

"Are you okay?" Levi's words are tender. He places his hand on Mae's shoulder. Eyebrows slightly furrowed as he scans her face for any reaction.

"Hey.. it's fine, I'm here now," His other hand cups her cheek, to get her to look up at him. But she slaps his hand away and her gaze remains fixed on the floor.

Moments pass by in silence, things remain unchanged. And Levi stands awkward, unable to perceive what's going on inside Mae's head.

People gather around as they recognize Levi. Sometimes he forgets that he isn't a mere soldier anymore. He is Humanity's Strongest, a superhero of sorts that everyone has their eyes on. And as much as the attention bothers him, he doesn't care about it in the moment.

All he cares about right now is the woman in front of him, and her well being.

"Say something you shit head!!" Desperation leeches in his tone, he rocks her shoulder gently, to break her out of whatever trance she's in.

But Mae is as still as a statue, and it is driving him mad.

Is this not the first time she has experienced something like this?

Did something worse happen on the days he wasn't here?

"Why won't you look at me?" His tone is laden with torment. And a lump forms in Mae's throat as his voice falls upon her ears. She has never heard him sound so... heartbroken.

"Can you leave, please? I have a job to do." She responds. Her tone is cold and condemning, and Levi inhales sharply.

He knows he has been shitty to her. Way too shitty to consider tolerable. But is she seriously putting herself out there in a place like that filthy tavern filled with shitty men?

His eyebrows furrow, and he frowns. She is being dense. She knows he is right but her pride is blinding her. And it frustrates him how she is deliberately putting herself in danger.

Coming here daily isn't feasible for him. He has his own work to do as a captain and there is no way in hell he is letting her work here. And that leaves only one option.

"You're leaving this goddamn place. I'll make sure you do". His voice is steady and determined. It is a statement, he isn't giving her a chance or asking her a question.

But still, Mae remains placid. And her lack of response only ignites anger into him.

He is icy when he's angry but now he is emotional and impulsive.

He hasn't been like this since Kenny taught him to use his anger effectively. He knows how to be wise and logical and how to control the reins of his temper. And he also knows when to let them go, so his temper is used to his benefit.

But right now they are slipping past his hands, cutting through the plush surface of his palm. No one has ever been able to rile him up like this.

He pulls her closer to him, his grasp on her arm tightening as he jerks her entire body.

"YOU'RE LEAVING THAT FILTHY JOB! I'LL MAKE SURE YOU DO." He yells. This is no way to speak to someone. People are staring at him, he is creating a scene.

His emotions are all over the place and this is horrible for his reputation. But he doesn't care.

He has seen the horror of drunk men and their lusty gazes and he won't be able to live with himself if he lets anything even close to that happen to her.

A laugh escapes Mae's lips and Levi flinches at the sheer coldness it radiates. It is sardonic and bitter, almost mocking him for his concerns.

Her laugh has never failed to make him cheery yet now he feels horrified. And as her eyes finally meet his, he can only stagger back in shock at the emptiness he sees in them.

"You remember the time you told me strength is the ultimate tool one can have to win in life... Well, you were wrong, it's a person's will that is the strongest because he always has the option to not give in." A lone tear forms in her eye, it threatens to spill over.

And Levi's grip on her shoulder loosens as he sees right through her and her frantic attempts to put on a facade. She is hurting and that hurts him as well.

He wants to hold her close, and let her cry in his arms. His shirt could get wet and messy and if she cried all night then he would gladly stand by her side the entire time.

He just wants her to be happy. He's always wanted her to be happy.

"So do whatever the hell you want to, punch me in the face, break my bones, cut my legs, I don't care. I'm not going to give in to you. My life is my own, and I'm still going to do whatever the hell I want to."

Levi's face is unmoving, but not in his usual stoic way. The clouds move apart and moonlight catches his eyes, wide and sorrowful. They gleam as a film of moisture forms over them.

He would never hurt her physically. Is this what she thought of him?

He isn't like one of those men who hurt his mom, is he?

And Mae can see how disturbed he is by the way his lips tremble. And for the first time, his eyes lay open for her to see all the emotions brewing in them.

Time seems to stop as they just stare at each other in silence.

Levi looks even worse than ever. Bags weigh heavy under his eyes, its color darker than ever. His eyebrows are disheveled, and there are splotches of blood on his cheek, that he hasn't bothered to clean up yet.

He isn't taking good care of himself.

And Mae's heart accelerates at the sight of him. She can't help but think that maybe....maybe he is just as miserable as she is without him?

Questions arise in her mind once again. Questions that have troubled her ever since she left him and the Survey Corps behind. Questions that she had buried deep inside because the desperation with which she wants answers only proves her weakness.

Do you feel my absence?

Are their thoughts of me that keep you awake all night?

Are there parts of me you're struggling to forget?

Her heart aches seeing him in such a state. And she knows she has lost when a part of her is desperate to cup his cheek and ask him if he's okay.

And oh! She hates him so damn much. But she also hates herself

At this point, she doesn't know what she loathes more, Levi for the way he's being right now. Or her heart, for being so damn forgiving and naive. For filling up with empathy at the poor sight of him.

Her gaze travels up towards the sky, in an attempt to cage the hot tears that surface against her will.

Shades of gray are scattered all over, blotches of blue peeking through the clouds. Her breath hitches in her throat, all she can see in the sky is his eyes.

Dark when he is angry, steely when determined, and silvery when sunlight reflects in them.

And after so long she is embraced by his familiar scent. His coarse fingers still rest on her shoulders and she hates the way her heart is back to feeling giddy, just by any small gesture he does.

The feelings she was trying to forget are still alive and flourishing. And all the doubts she had about not finding happiness without him, start to feel true for a moment.

"Just please get away from me, I don't want you in my life... I swear I'm trying my best." It's a broken cry. Mae begs in front of him, her hands clasped and voice weak.

And Levi can see the despair in her eyes. It breaks him to know that he has caused her so much pain that she doesn't want him in her life itself.

Life has always thrown the most unexpected things at him. But while he lived thinking people around him could leave him any day, he never thought that someone would leave him because of his own despicable actions.

His palm is the first to be severed from the warmth of her skin, as she pivots. His fingers sliding off her shoulder as she walks away from him. He extends his arm forward, trying to savor the little contact they have.

Please don't leave me.

I'm sorry.

I know I'm pathetic.

And at last his fingertips slip off her shoulder, the remnants of her touch still lingering on them.

The clouds thunder and people start gossiping but the sound that hits the hardest is that of her fading footsteps.

She is right within his reach, this time. He can run up to her and catch her, not let her slip away again. But he doesn't, because he was correct all along, he isn't good enough for her.

Author's Note:

More angst hahaha! ( I kind of feel like a witch who’s constantly playing evil tricks on you guys lol).

I think the most vital part of this chapter was the argument between Levi and Mae, and I would like to go in a little depth about it.

With what Mae says, she challenges Levi’s core beliefs ( that he spoke about in chapter 4) that strength is all he needs and with violence he can win everything. And she tells him that no matter what he does to her physically, or emotionally, the decision in the end will always be hers. And she will always have the choice to not give in and take charge of her own life.

And when Levi thinks he is not like one of the men who hurt his mother. (That’s jut a headcanon of mine, because his mother was a prostitute and it is very likely that the men she slept with dealt with her roughly.) He feels heartbroken ,because he loved his mom dearly, and i think it would be his worst nightmare to become similar to one of the men who hurt his mother.

Which is why that thought elicits such a deep reaction from Levi. (In my opinion this part is one of the highlights of the entire story.)

This was the second chapter I wrote for this fic, back when I was writing chapters randomly, so I hope it isn’t that bad (because my writing has definitely improved along the way and the previous chapters might be better than this one in terms of writing.)

Thank you for reading through. Any feedback, comment, criticism is appreciated. And I hope you guys liked the chapter. See you next Sunday!

Taglist: @keijikunn @evas-leslas

23 notes · View notes

levis-coffeecup · 2 years

Text

chapter 5| Olive Cloaks and Helpless Eyes

WC-6.5 k

Content/Warnings

canon- compliant, canon-typical violence, descriptions of PTSD, grief, depression, heavy angst and themes, strong language, self-hate, death of minor characters.

Author's Note

Song for this chapter is je te laisserai des mots by Patrick Watson. I definitely recommend listening to it, for a better experience.

This story has been cross-posted on both Wattpad and AO3, feel free to check it out on those platforms, if you are more comfortable with them.

Chapters

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20

Masterlist | Playlist | Other Works

AUG 845

Levi leans back onto the door of Mae's house, as he sits on the steps waiting for her to return.

A fight brews in front of him. A scrawny man gets caught red-handed, trying to steal bread from the vendor, who sits with baskets of bread on the floor.

The passersby don't even bat an eye, as punches are thrown around. And the homeless men, lined on the street, peek through the blanket they sit huddled in. Watching how things unfold.

Earlier fights like these would only happen in the evacuation centers, but these days they happens on the streets as well.

The scrawny man is thrown to the ground with a jab to his stomach. He is weak and Levi can see his spine popping through the shirt as he tries to get up. His lanky arms shake in rage as he fists some soil in his hands. He lifts his rand up and throws it on the vendor's face.

It's a lousy technique quite really, but also effective if you're lucky.

The vendor staggers back, as the soil prickles in his eyes.

In an instant the homeless men spring to their feet. Gathering around the vendor, grabbing as much bread as possible. And he can only scream, as people rob him of his only hope of earning some money.

People stop, as they see the vendor stumbling around helpless and anguished, rubbing his watery eyes that burn in pain.

They swallow thickly, should they help him? Or steal a piece for themselves? Because god knows they need it.

Wall Rose is on the brink of destruction. The land has been milked dry, the wastelands are barren and infertile, hardly producing much crop for consumption.

People are starving on the streets, begging for a morsel of food. The price of which has increased so much that it has become unaffordable to the middle class as well. The taxes are skyrocketing and earning even a single penny has become equivalent to finding a drop of water in a dried up well.

And since the Operation to reclaim Wall Maria has come out, the chaos has only tripled in number.

The economy is at an all-time low, and people know that sending the evacuees outside will only make their lives easier. But most families have someone or another, who once resided in Wall Maria. An Uncle, a friend, a sibling or just a friend, who they learned in school with.

And no matter what the benefits entail, they are still losing their loved ones. And how can they openly agree to lead their loved ones to their own death?

So they riot and cry, banging their fists against the doors of the civilian court. They plead against this unfair system, desperate to somehow get their relatives out of that horrid operation.

The Royal Government listens to them. They set a fee, a price to get a person out of those evacuation centers. A price to let them live as a regular citizen.

But Levi know it's all a pretense, just some shitty policy, to give people hope, but only until they break down and realize that it's all fucking impossible.

It's just like the surface citizenship fee in the underground, so high that you won't be able to make up for it even if you worked your entire life.

He sighs quietly, as he looks ahead. It's hell everywhere. Sometimes he wonders if it's even better than the Underground. Sure the sky looks bright and pretty. But in the end it's all the same. The same bullshit again and again.

The crowd in front of him gets bigger, as people push and pull, yank each other's hair. Fighting for the resolution that has settled in their mind.

Far towards the end of the street, he catches her silhouette.

Her strides are small and heavy, and her shoulders have drooped forward like that of a wilted flower. Hands push her around as she walks through the fighting crowd, but yet her head hangs low, unable to take its gaze off the ground.

Time flows slower and every step of hers only increases the worry that hangs in Levi's heart. "Mae."

"I'm not in the mood today," her voice is wobbly and low, almost lost amidst all the commotion happening right in front of her house. She fiddles with her keys, not even sparing him a glance. The sound of a small "click", fills the air and the door opens.

It has been like this for 2 weeks now. Him finding her door locked and waiting on her porch. And her telling him that she's not in the mood to teach him.

"Mae-" before he can complete, the door shuts close in his face.

Mae stumbles inside the house, hands heavy with the bags she is holding, and eyes burning with unshed tears. A few steps more forward and she flops to the floor.

The bags fall, its contents spilling outside along with the tears trapped in her eyes.

Her ankles are still sore from all the walking, and her mind body craves the rest it has been ridden of for so long.

She's been doing this for days now. Knocking door to door, asking for any job. Cleaning the bathrooms, being a maid, she'll do anything. As long as it pays, any job is fine.

The clinic isn't doing well. People come injured and weak from all the brawls they have been fighting. But they hardly have any money for food, how will they have some for treatments ?

It's so bad that even her own expenses are coming out of her savings.

Ailments are only increasing as food becomes scarce. And people are suffering physically, economically and even mentally. The least she can do is not let them die just because their pockets don't have enough cash.

So she treats the patients that come to her either ways. Some days if she's lucky she gets a few dimes, some days an apple, and sometimes it's just a heartfelt smile.

But smiles aren't going to help her get enough money to get her parents out of that dreaded mission.

Knocks reverberate, and her head turns back towards the door. Whoever it is will have to come another day, she doesn't want to see anyone right now. She doesn't want anyone to see her breaking down like this.

But the knocks continue to echo through the door. 5 minutes, 10 minutes, and they still stay persistent.

Her patience wears thin, and she gets up and lumbers towards the door. Hoping that its someone important, who has been knocking for so long.

Standing on her toes, she glances through the peephole.

It's Levi. She sighs as she wipes the tears off her face. She doesn't want him to see her like this.

A shaky hand extends forward, twisting the knob and the door swings open.

Levi can see how miserable Mae is by her disheveled appearance, and yet she flashes him a tight-lipped smile, despite the red in her eyes

"Stop acting, you're not fooling anyone," He says, words cutting like a chiseled knife. Sharp, swift and deep. And Mae can feel the heaviness growing in her throat.

That's the fucking problem, isn't it? She's always failing, failing at being a doctor, failing at saving her parents and even failing at putting on a pretense.

Her lips tremble as she swivels her head. He can see the wobble in her step as she walks back towards the heap of dresses in the center. They are splayed all over the floor, spilling out of the bags. And she sits beside it, an even bigger mess than all that's around her.

Her hands reach out, as she starts folding the garments on the floor.

He kneels down beside her, helping her wind up all the mess. Her gaze is still down, fixated on the clothes she is folding, but he doesn't miss the tears on her cheeks. They roll smoothly, in silence.

The air is thick, laced with fragility, and Levi tries his best to figure out what's happening.

His fingers rove over the dress in his hand. It is soft and brighter than the faded clothes she wears every day.

"You were selling these." He says. His gaze is soft, and she completely misses the worry that flocks in his eyes.

"It's all I have," she murmurs, her voice hoarse and feeble.

At the end of the day, she is just one in a hundred others, trying to save her loved ones. How could she be naive enough to think that she'd actually collect that ridiculous amount of money

Her eyes glance away, looking for any sort of distraction. They land on the cream-colored fabric tossed aside to her far left.

She reaches towards it and hovers it up in the air. Levi watches its flowy netted cloth sway in momentum, and the white silk that shines underneath it.

A crisscrossed lace covers the center of the bodice, forming a knotted bow in the center of the waistline. And floral embellishments decorated the zigzagged hem of the skirt.

"It's pretty isn't it." Mae almost smiles as she thinks back to how pretty she feels in that dress, it accentuates her features perfectly. Levi decides he likes it too. It's dainty, beautiful in a delicate way.

Her mind wanders to the days her dad would come home very late. Working extra shifts just so that he could make her this beautiful dress.

"I got it for my 18th birthday." She presses the dress to her chest, a little closer to her heart. A whimper escapes her throat, and her shoulders shake as the dress falls to the floor.

She knows it's all useless, who would care about dresses when food itself is scarce?

But how can she give up on her parents, who have done everything just to make her happy? Who have loved her unconditionally and have always wished for her best?

How can she stand still and not do anything when even they know that a few months from now they are going to have the most brutal death she can ever imagine?

"Le-vi," her voice cracks "I can't save them... I can't...save them." Her palms press into her eyes as buries her tears in them.

Levi doesn't know what to say, he never knows what to say. He's too brash for his own good. Even at times when he wants to be comforted, he can only focus on the bitter truths of this unfair world.

Silence hovers over, and her sobs echo off the walls, piercing his ears and he can only look at her helplessly.

"I'll get you some tea?" He believes it's the only thing he can do. His blunt words bring no solace, and no one wants to be with someone who can shatter their delusions in seconds.

She doesn't say anything, nor does she look at him. But Levi walks away on his own, searching for an escape from the emotions that sheath the atmosphere like a deathly fog.

The kitchen is bleak, almost drowning in darkness. The curtains are closed, stopping the sunset rays from painting the room orange. The candle on the counter flickers dimly, and the shelves that were once stocked with fresh fruits are almost empty, with just some bread and vegetables in them.

As the months have passed, the economy has only dropped lower. Resources are slacking and at this point, having anything other than bread is a luxury.

For once in his life, Levi feels lucky.

He doesn't earn much, but most of his living expenses are covered by the Survey Corps budget.

This is one of the rare times in his life where his meals aren't compromised, and he has a bed to sleep on, despite the tumultuous situation. And it's been so long since he has felt such safety and stability.

Grabbing the cold metal handle, he opens the shelf. The packet of tea that he kept here a month ago is right in front of him.

His eyes travel across the shelf boards, searching for milk or any other condiments. But they are barren, empty and colorless.

His fingers slide down his pocket, to find some cash in it. Sugar is missing and she likes her tea sweet.

Stepping out of the kitchen, Levi finds Mae curled up on the couch. Piles of clothes are still scattered on the floor, some folded and some messily cluttered.

He walks towards her, and stares at her sleeping figure. Faded tear trails are smeared across her cheeks. Her hair is rumpled, strewn across the couch, in messy waves. Her nose is still red and eyelids, closed.

He doesn't know what he would do if his family was headed to their death, and he couldn't do anything about it. But he sure knows that no words could pacify him in a situation like that.

His hand finds its way to her head, patting it gently. A soft sigh escapes his lips. Maybe if the money is enough he'll also buy some fruit bread. That's the closest thing he can find to pastries at the moment.

━━━━━━━━━━━━

OCT 846

The weather is getting cold, the windows are wide open. And the hot tea cupped in Levi's palms is the only thing keeping him warm.

The candlelight flickers dimly in the jarring cold, and he stares at Mae's hunched form. She sits in front of him, reading the article he just finished writing moments earlier.

Dark bags weigh heavy under her eyes, and her shoulders are drooping down. He can see the trail of goosebumps that run up her arm. She doesn't care to wear a sweater in the cold wind. She doesn't care to make her hair anymore. And she has been like this for so long, that Levi doubts if she'll ever get out of the pit she's fallen into.

She takes his classes more often as well. 2 hours every night. And Levi knows it's all just a pretense. A futile attempt to distract herself.

It has become a routine by now. Mae gives him a topic, he writes while she brews some tea in the meantime.

They take a break. He drinks his tea, and she points out his mistakes.

And then she reads out to him. The Musings of a Murderer.

It's an interesting story, about a killer who leaves clues about his next victim, in all his previous murderers. And also the most relaxing part of Levi's day. He drifts into the story, curious to know what comes next.

Sometimes, she flips the table and asks him to read it out instead.

But he doesn't dare to do it all by himself. So many words are jammed into one single page, and their font is so small. Levi is intimidated just by the sight of it. And he doesn't want to attempt to read out loud and make a fool of himself.

His gaze shift to Mae, watching her eyes rove over the same line again and again. She's taking way too long to read a small paragraph, merely a 100 words long.

She needs a break, and Levi doesn't understand why she's pushing so hard when she's at her limit.

"I'm a captain now." He breaks the silence. It's not like she needs to know any of his business, but the atmosphere is heavy. And he is tired of seeing her exhausting herself relentlessly.

Her gaze shifts from the notebook in her hand, to him in surprise. Reading and writing is vital and even though Levi is working on it. He isn't proficient at either of them. And yet he's made a captain, to guide people at the upcoming mission.

Then he must be good at what he does.

Mae leans back on the couch as her gaze flits down.

A little voice at the back of her head says that maybe he can save her parents. She's teaching him for free. He would return the favor, won't he?

She can show him their faces, and he can get them back inside the walls in one piece. It's just two people, isn't it? It's not like she's asking him to save all her friends and her relatives and everyone she has ever known.

"Levi," she calls out. Her eyes meet his and she stares at him.

For some reason he always looks tired. The dark patches under his eyes never lighten. Nor does the permanent frown on his face ever fade away.

And for someone reason seeing him, remind her of the despondent daughter and her wounded father whom she failed to save. And the feeling of guilt that came along with it.

So many nights have passed since then, spent crying about how much of a disaster she is. And then her mind reminded her of the life she took, and every time she fell into an endless pit.

The burden of a life is gloomy and sluggish, not running in her mind constantly, but it finds her when she's at her lowest. And in that vulnerable state, it hits her straight and sharp.

There is no escaping it because she knows that she only has herself to blame.

Then how can she pass it on to someone else, when she is well acquainted with that feeling of heaviness.

What will she do if Levi fails to save her parents, and then he suffers from the same devils. And carries the same burden that cripples her everyday. How can she impose something like that on him?

Levi still looks at Mae expectantly. An eye brow raised up, as he waits for what she'll say.

"How much longer will I be able to be with them?" Her voice comes out weaker than she expected.

Levi's body tenses. The Survey Corps often visits the evacuation centers, to check up on the physical state of the evacuees. And by now he is well habituated with the horrible condition they are in.

It's a dire situation, it really is. The evacuees are cramped and stocked, just some disposable means to an end. Still hated for not dying in titan territory. And now they prepare to go back there, with neither horses nor any formal training.

The government is out of funding, most of their money being spent on feeding the evacuees. The taxes have increased, but so many have fallen under the poverty line that they can hardly pay. It's a game everyone is losing.

Restaurants have shut down, no one stays in hotels anymore, and who even has the money for books, dresses or any other desires that their hearts harbor.

At the end of the day, it's just a matter of a couple thousand lives versus the whole of humanity. And as cruel as it sounds it's also necessary.

"3 months," he utters with his usual indifference

"3 months..." Her voice trails off, and he can see the slight quiver of her lips as she looks elsewhere.

The silence is deafening, leaving the sound of him occasionally slurping his tea.

"I'm sorry, I know I should feel happy for you, but I just can't," she blurts out. "My life is such a mess, there's too much on my mind." Tears leak from the corners of her eyes. She wipes them away in haste.

The thoughts in her head get louder in the settled silence. And in her tiredness she forgets to finish reading the report, and giving the feedback that Levi awaits.

"I'm planning to make a trip to Sina... I'm going to sell my dresses."

Her dresses are far plain compared to what they wear in Sina, and they are second hand.

"You are not going to get much money from it." He speaks the truth, breaking any delusions she has, before she actually tries something and realises it's useless.

"I know, but every moment my parents are getting closer to their death... I want them to be happy in the little time they have, and whatever money I make, I can use it to do something for them."

"Do you need anything?" He speaks with sincerity. He's going to be busy from now on, but he'll try to help her with whatever he can.

"I'll be fine, I saved up some money." Levi frowns, and his jaw clenches. As if he doesn't know that already.

It clearly shows when he looks at the kitchen cabinets. Earlier they had some bread and vegetables, now it's mostly empty, with just a slice of bread.

And she doesn't even have tea, unless he forces her to have it. By now she has it his way as well. With no sugar or milk, that is a luxury she can't afford anymore.

"I'm going to meet my friends as well, they are in the eastern district... I won't be able to do much for them."

Levi sits confused, unable to figure out why she is sharing all of this with him. If it's comfort she wants then he doesn't know how to give it. Heck he doesn't even know what to say next.

Tears glisten in her eyes, but she doesn't let them fall. Instead, she smiles "I'm sorry for over sharing.... Let's get to reading shall we."

He clicks his tongue, a little annoyed by how she pretends that everything is alright when its clearly not. Placing his empty cup on the table, he gets up and sits beside her on the couch.

Mae picks up The Musings of a Murder, and opens it. But this time Levi doesn't feel the usual excitement budding in as she starts reading.

Her speech is expressionless. Her words are slurring, and she fumbles through the passage. Dragging her finger along every line yet not pausing at any punctuation or sentence end.

She's tired, so awfully tired.

"I want to read today." Levi speaks the words out and Mae turns towards him.

Her eyes are tinged red at the corner. Her skin is dull, and her hair is knotted in her simple braid.

She's tired, so awfully tired.

Levi takes the book from her hand, and she gives in without a word

He reads slower, hesitating and every word as his eyebrows crease in tension. She corrects him at a few places and explains to him the meaning of a few words.

Another page and he gets more confident.

She is silent, and his mind brims with assurance. He must be pronouncing everything right, because she isn't correcting him anymore.

Halfway through the next page, a heavy weight slumps on the side of his body.

It's her again. Eyes closed, face relaxed and her head resting on his shoulder.

Levi's face softens a little. For once, she looks peaceful.

So he sits still. She deserves some rest.

━━━━━━━━━━━━

JAN 846

Winter is here, and the poppies have wilted. The flower fields are barren, and the trees stand naked. The cold bites at Mae's hands as she trudges down the familiar path to the warehouse.

Her sandals are worn out, and its rough straps agitate her skin with every step. The lunchbox in her hands is long cold, and she counts the seconds as she reaches her destination

3 hours from now and her parents will be gone from this world.

The cold turns her nails blue. Her steps are heavy, and she doesn't know how she's finding the strength to physically move forward.

The warehouse comes to sight. It is gray and dull, overbearing just like always. The door is slightly ajar, but the wastelands are empty, as if they have been abandoned already.

Tears blur her vision, and everything starts looking disoriented.

It's been 6 months since the reveal of that cursed expedition, and time has flown by so fast.

Her dresses were sold. And in return she got plenty of mockery and some money. But it was enough to buy some vegetables and grains. And Mae used it all to make her parents home cooked meals.

For months, they were having bread every day, and now that their life itself was slipping away, they deserved to enjoy good food at the least. So every Sunday she would travel to the center, with some home cooked food, packed in a tiffin.

Some days the money still fell short, and she could only sleep on the couch, trying to silence her empty stomach after she reached back home.

Often she would feel a hand petting her head. And she would wake up to see Levi, with some bread in his hands. Somehow he was well aware of her schedule, and she would find him waiting on her porch for her return.

Then his duties as a captain started catching up, and he didn't have much time for her anymore.

But Mae still managed well on her own. She visited her parents every week, she also met her friends and relatives. She worked hard at the clinic, gathering as much money as possible. And every week she fed her parents healthy, colorful meals.

All that she had planned, she had done. Then why did everything feel so useless? Why was the heavy feeling of grief not replaced with satisfaction? She tried so damn hard, then why was she still losing her parents?

Her steps get heavier and her ankles falter as she falls to her knees. The jagged road pricks her soft flesh.

Any ounce of strength left in her has now vanquished, her resolve is crumbling. Her bones ache and her heart bleeds for their suffering.

She cries into her palms, feeling their warmth rather than watching the cursed warehouse.

A gentle tug on her dress pulls her out of her thoughts. A small boy stands in front of her. His unruly hair sticks to his forehead and his body is unhealthily skinny.

"Don't you worry, miss. We will defeat those evil titans, and then we will all be happy, with enough food in our plates," he chimes.

She inhales sharply as she watches the hope glistens in his eye, sparkling, brown and wide.

Her arms reach out to him, hoping that this boy is just a figment of her imagination. And his young soul doesn't have to face the terror that awaits him a few hours from now.

But her fingers retract as they touch his skin. It is dry and flaky. And her shoulders tremble as she imagines the brutal end he's going to meet.

She lurches forward pulling him closer as she cries into the crook of his neck. He wraps his arms around her as well, and she can feel his bones digging into her frame. "You are young enough to stay behind? Why are you going out?" she murmurs against his skin.

"All my family is here with me, I don't want to leave them," he replies thoughtfully.

A figure looms over them, casting a shadow on both of their figures. Mae looks up as the boy breaks the hug.

It's a woman. She's not very old, but her eyes are heavy with tears and her lids are swollen. And she is wrapped up in the recognizable cloak that everyone in the evacuation center wears these days.

It is swampy in color, designed to match the thick green grass that awaits in titan territory, so that the evacuees can hide themselves better. Or maybe it is just to differentiate them from the civilians who aren't a part of this mission.

"Come to me dear," the woman mutters sweetly, as the boy climbs up in her arms. She bestows a kiss on his forehead, and then scowls at Mae.

The both of them walk away and the boy waves back enthusiastically at Mae as his figure fades farther and farther, until he disappears behind the walls of the warehouse

And Mae wipes her eyes, as she holds on to the little resolve she has. She takes a timid step into the shelter.

The air is heavy, and she can't help but feel so lonely in a room full of people. It is silent, unlike most days where bouts of fights occur on a regular basis. People sit close to each other, with their heads buried in their knees.

Everyone is decked in green, as if they are inhumane, mechanic workers with no choice or authority.

Her parents sit together, huddled at their usual spot. Mother's arm is draped over father's shoulder. And her head is hidden in the crook of his neck, but from the way her frame is shaking Mae knows she's crying

Father is right beside her, petting her back as he whispers reassurances in her ear.

Her feet start moving thoughtlessly, and she only finds them stopping when she's sitting on the floor with her parents, resting her head on her mother's lap.

"Oh my sweetheart," her mother says as she pets the hair on her daughter's head.

And Mae winces as she feels the suffering in mother's palms. Rough and dry, blistered from all the day, she would plow the fields.

Tears come easily, falling on the fabric of mother's worn out dress.

All these days, she tried not to let her tears slip by in front of parents. To be strong for them and to lessen their own pain. But she can't help it anymore. She's been holding them in for months now and her strength has withered out.

Her father fondles her hand in his, and she looks up at him, through her teary gaze.

Bald patches are scattered all over his head, and deep lines border his wise eyes and his forehead. And the little pot-belly he had, now curves into his spine.

He has aged so much just these months that he looks twice his age.

She pushes the lunchbox towards him. Today she has prepared his favorite dish.

His hands reach towards it far too eagerly. The food is cold, but it warms him to the bone.

All these days that she had bought food for them, she never had some herself. Because she was well aware that their struggles were much worse than hers. And whenever her mother brought a morsel of food in front of her mouth, she denied it. Telling her that she had a heavy breakfast this morning, and she was full.

But today as her mother says," Have some food with us before we leave." She can't help but give in to her heart's desire and have the closest thing to a family dinner.

They sit like that for a long moment. In stretched silences, dying smiles and weary eyes. Sharing the little amount of food that the lunch box contains.

The moment feels warm yet frosty, sweet yet bitter. And her parent's company only reminds her of the vacant void they will leave in her heart.

It's a mere stroke of luck that keeps her stay safe. She's a citizen of Wall Maria as well, but somehow she is safe from the catastrophe that her parents face. But does she deserve this? Will she be able to live without her parents?

"Father take me with you as well, I don't... I don't want to be here without you." Her face contorts into one of pain and her voice dangles on the edge of begging.

"Listen here Mae, are we all sacrificing our lives for you to come and die with us as well?." Her father speaks, and Mae presses her lips into a thin line, as she shakes her head.

"We are doing it, so that you can live a better life, isn't it? Things can go back to how they were before all this happened."

"But it will never go back to how it used to be..." Her voice trails off hoarse and congested.

"You will find strength, Mae. Maybe someone else will come along and give you a helping hand, or maybe you'll have to push yourself all by yourself. But you'll do it, because in the end you are all you need." Her father speaks with confidence, and when she looks at him, he flashes her an assuring smile.

But she stays still. Unable to listen to his words or understand them. Finding strength feels hopeless and all she wants is to be with them.

A heavy silence hangs over, it's their last moments together, and no one knows how to make a goodbye less painful.

In a matter of minutes. A strident voice pierces the air. "Evacuees assemble."

People get up and step out of the shelter. It almost seems mechanical, as if they all have surrendered to their fate by now.

Her parents get up as well. Mother straightens the creases on her father's cloak, and as they stand, they leave some space for Mae, in between them

Mae settles there, holding both their hands in her own, tightly.

The sun sets, leaving the sky in hues of pink. Then darkness takes over, things get bluer and bluer. Coldness creeps again, and a fog hangs over. Blanketing the land with an eerie glow.

They blend into the horde of people that step out of the evacuation center. And for a crowd of 1000s everyone is grimly silent. The only sound in the air is that of twigs cracking under people's feet. And teeth clattering against the cold.

They walk along the line of dying trees and barren fields. It's a reminder of their failure, and how they were unable to bear any good crop on these wastelands.

Maybe if they had succeeded, then they wouldn't be marching to their deaths as a burden that humanity can't carry.

Every step treads heavier, increasing the beat of their heart and the anxiety that churns their stomach. There is nothing left to say, just the tears that are streaming down their faces.

Time flies away, and in what feels like minutes, the evacuees enter the city of Jinae.

Mae looks around as she walks down the familiar streets of the town.

She sees cruelty in every nook and corner. She sees cruelty everywhere.

Alleys where children would run playing tag are now filled with people marching towards their death. And the vendors that made the bustling market, now stand rock solid. Rooted in their spot, as they watch the scene unfold, aghast.

The world is cruel.

People gather on the streets, and even in the darkness of the night, the fear that lingers in the air is palpable. Then the gates of Wall Rose appear into vision. Outside which lies Trost and beyond that lies death.

Mae's grip on her parent's hand tightens as she watches the Garrison soldiers move forward, to open the door.

Her parents turn back, and their features are blurred by the thick veil of tears in her eyes. Her hands jerk forward, cupping their face as she traces the lines, on their face, for one last time.

Her mother pulls her into a hug and Mae can feel her breath on the side of her face. It's weak and trembling, like a stretched out band, that will break any second now.

She's going to miss her so much.

Caroline Edler. The aroma of home-cooked meals that floated in her house. The lessons taught under the flickering lamp light and the love that held her together when things were falling apart.

The gates of Rose open and Mae flinches at the jarring sound. This is it, the dreaded moment. Silence fills the air, and no one dares to move a step ahead.

Her father wistfully stares , as she cries into her mother's arms.

Once she was a little child, small enough to fit in his hands. Now she's all grown up, taking care of her parents all by herself.

One day she'll get married, one day she'll have kids. And he won't be there for any of that. He won't be here to see his little daughter grow anymore.

His hand reaches atop her head, and her head swivels in her mother's embrace

Mae's eyes are glimmering, fresh with tears meeting his just as wistfully. This time there are tears in his own as well. This is the first time she has ever seen her father cry.

In an instant, she's embracing him. And he can feel his shirt dampen as her tears wet his skin.

"Oi," He cups her cheeks and looks at his daughter for one last time. She has always been the most beautiful girl in his eyes.

He presses a tender kiss on her forehead.'' Are you going to bid us farewell with such a tear-stained face? Won't we be able to see you smile? For one last time."

The sentence makes her cry even harder. And she sees the patience that reflects in her father's wise eyes.

Dieter Edler, the strength that held the walls of her house. The long shifts that ensured that everyone had all that they wanted. And the warm eyes that sensed every low in her mood, and held her together.

Always so patient, so determined, so wise. And she's always tried to be like him.

Mae tries to smile, but it crumbles in the flow of her tears.

The bell rings and its echo spreads terror throughout city. The time to let go is finally here. Garrison soldiers pierce into the crowd of people, forcing the evacuees forward as the evacuees find their feet frozen.

Mae cries in her father's arms, and holds her mother's hand, unable to move, or let them out of her grasp.

Hands pry her away from them . And she looks back at the soldier who's pulling her away from her parents.

"I'm sorry miss... I'm so sorry." Sympathy reflects in his eyes, as he gently holds her back.

Her parents smile at her through their teary faces as they turn towards the gates. And then they lumber away, hand in hand, a heavy step forward at a time.

She blows them a kiss, but they don't turn back.

Their fading silhouette is blurred by the ceaseless onslaught of tears in her eyes. The evacuees trudge forwards into Trost. And soon their olive cloaks vanish into the darkness.

The show is over. Civilians disperse, in a hush, shoulders bumping into each other as they walk in the opposite direction. But Mae stands still in all the commotion.

She realises it's not just her parents that she has lost.

Far away in the eastern districts, carts loaded with another 1000s rush towards Trost. Somewhere in those cramped boxes are her friends, sitting with eyes as teary as her own.

She has lost everyone today. Friends, cousins, acquaintances, everyone... People that she didn't have the money nor time to go and meet. And with them, a part of her is ebbing away.

A heaviness spreads all throughout her chest. It is pain. The light in her eyes burns away, as a rush of wind sweeps by, people are moving back to their houses. The evacuees are gone, out of their sights, out of this wretched world.

A few more people stand, just as frozen and suffering the same fate as hers. Silent rivers stream down their cheeks and their shoulders quiver with grief. But she fails to see them.

All she sees is herself, alone and lonely, drowning in the darkness of this world. All she sees is a part of herself, forever lost at the cruel, mercilessness of the world.

37 notes · View notes

levis-coffeecup · 2 years

Text

Chapter 10 | A Mess of a Mind

WC-5.1 k

Content/Warnings

canon- compliant, canon-typical violence, descriptions of PTSD, grief, depression, heavy angst and themes, strong language.

Author's note

Heyy guys, I'm back! A quick recap of the last chapter because its been so so long-

Levi borrows a romance book from Mae to figure out his own feelings. Mae has an awkward lunch with Mr. Mendes, and his son Ivan, and then the next day she shifts to the Survey Corps Headquarters. Where Hange takes notice of her feelings towards Levi, and catches her drinking with Levi on the battlement at night.

Also I'll mention Mae's eye color in this chapter. I did talk about this in the author's note at the start of the fic.

The song for this chapter is Cold by Novo Amor

Chapters

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22

Masterlist | Playlist | Other Works

MAY 846

The smell of freshly baked bread floats through the mess hall. It is always loud here, filled with sounds of scraping chairs, laughs, and the banging of utensils.

But today the sound of the grandfather clock at the far right, sticks out as Levi’s patience wears thin.

He taps his boot to every ticking second as he stands in front of a table, in the far left corner, right below the window. Eld, Oluo and Gunther chatter in front of him. Sprawled on the seat and munching on their bread.

He never has lunch with them, because he hates eating in such a messy, loud place. He prefers to eat in the quiet walls of his office, but today he is here to discuss an important matter with them.

Two months from now the Survey Corps will be heading out of the walls again. An outer supply base had to be made. And now that a secure location had already been found in the last mission, by the elite group that ventured out. It was finally time to let things fall into play.

It is no secret, but this time, his squad has a special mission to complete. Erwin has planned everything out, and Levi wants to have extra training sessions with them so that all of them make it back alright.

Oluo, Eld and Gunther are here, having their breakfast in front of him. The grandfather clock chimes as it strikes 8. And Levi sighs as once again Petra is late.

Girls and all the time they take to get dressed.

He places the papers in his hand on the table. They contain details of what his squad is supposed to do, their position and everything. A breeze swoops in and his eyes flick up to the huge window, carved on the wall.

His eyes land on the battlement, on the other side of the castle. And his heart feels giddy as he remembers the previous night.

Some ale, the moon, and Mae. Her drunken babbling, and the warmth of her skin.

“Hey,” A voice breaks in, and Levi curses because he knows exactly who it is.

It's her again. And how is he supposed to face her after all that happened yesterday? But his back is towards her, and he can always pretend that it's someone else, with the sweet voice of hers.

“What the fuck do you want?”

“I just came to meet you.” She chimes, and Levi rolls his eyes, unable to stop the faint pink that tinges his cheeks at her words.

Great. There goes his heart prancing again.

He looks down at the papers he kept on the table. And Oluo, Eld, and Gunther look baffled, at the person who is speaking to their stoic captain with such sweetness and making him blush.

Levi feels anxious. He can sense their gazes on the top of his head. It is intrusive, and he is ashamed of the side of him that his squad is seeing.

He doesn’t want anyone to see him like this, but Mae’s here and for once he feels unsure of his own reactions.

So he turns around planning to leave the mess hall. He’ll meet his squad later, and he’ll meet Mae later as well, somewhere where it's just the two of them.

He pivots but his actions halt when his eyes meet Hange’s. They stand just behind Mae, chin resting on top of her head. And he can feel the amusement dripping from their face.

“What are you here for four eyes?” His voice is laden with irritation and he knows that he won’t be able to escape from this situation as easily as he thought he would.

The crinkles by Hange’s eyes deepen, as a mischievous grin forms on their face. They smile wider, hands looping around Mae’s shoulder as they lift her by her armpits.

“HANGE!” Mae lets out a yelp. Her eyes widening, as her feet dangle in the air.

“Look at her Levi.” Hange sways her in front of him. “She is cute, very small, and not to mention, easy to pick up as well!”

Mae swings her feet back and forth, trying to squirm away from their grip. "See adorable as well," Hange comments.

And Mae twists back and elbows Hange on their head. “Hey you shouldn’t make fun of me just because I’m shorter.”

Hange drops her down, and she lands on her feet. Their chin goes back to resting on her head, as their hands envelop her shoulders again.

And they stare straight ahead, at Levi again. ”And just like you she doesn’t like being made fun of because of her height.”

Levi cocks an eyebrow up. Not even sparing a glance at those affectionate orbs that will make him melt. Instead, he looks straight to Hange. Throwing daggers at them with his glare. ”Are you trying to convince me of something?”

“Oh, I don’t think I need to convince you one bit.” Hange smiles wider as they lightly push Mae, forward, towards him.

Heat rushes to his cheeks and Levi’s eyes meet Mae’s. They are brown, so brown that sometimes he isn't able to differentiate the pupil from them. And as dark as the black tea that he loves to drink.

Her cheeks turn rosy. And Levi watches with intent as her gaze flickers away, trying to find anything other than him. She wrings her fingers, in nervousness. Her eyes turn away from him, but their image remains captured in his heart.

The cafeteria bustles as always, sounds of footsteps, chatter, and the clattering of vessels are all here, but all he focuses on is the exhilarating way in which his heart is beating. It feels euphoric and she looks so cute when she is flustered like this. Too nervous to even look at him.

Eld, Oluo Gunther are still staring holes through his back. And Hange bears the widest smile he has ever seen. But all he wants to focus on is her. All that his eyes see are her.

His ears catch the sound of footsteps. They are getting louder, threading closer to him. It pulls him out of his stupor and a heavy hand lands on his shoulder.

And Levi frowns as he sees Mike’s face hovering a foot above him.

Great, just great. Add a little more to this mess.

Miche takes a tiny step forward and stands in the space between Levi and Mae. An arms wrapperd around both of their shoulders, as he dips down and pushes Mae closer to him.

Mae stiffens as she feels Mike’s breath on the curve of her neck. Her head snaps towards Levi and she looks at him with an alarmed expression. But he just nods reassuringly and that’s all it takes for her to relax.

Mike retreats back, and then he bends down, face leaning into the space between Levi and Mae. He sniffs the spot. And Hange looks at his antics with a curious eyes.

The usual smirk on Miche’s face turns into a smile, as he pats Levi’s shoulder and comments, “love is in the air.”

Hange cackles obnoxiously loud at the statement. Their outburst echoes, through the hall, and it is enough to catch everyone's attention

The mess hall grows thick in silence, as all eyes land on the new doctor whose gaze is transfixed on the short man beside her. And then they trail to the exceptional fighter who stands stiff and uncomfortable in all the attention.

Levi always has this indifferent facade that makes it difficult to read his feelings. And even now his gaze is sharp and his face is frowning. But anyone can tell the stark contrast between the stoic captain, and the blushing mess he is now.

Nothing interesting ever happens in the survey corps and this incident is enough to spark rumors for months.

Levi’s gaze hardens, as he meets the eye of all the spectators. Every single person, from the cadets to the chefs, is looking at him wide-eyed. And he can feel the heat that spreads from his cheeks to the tips of his ears.

And Mae watches his Adam's apple bob as he swallows deeply. His cheeks are turning red, and he unclenches his fist, again and again, to wipe the sweat on his palms to his pants.

Her eyebrows furrow slightly and as she sees him struggling. She doesn’t like seeing him like this.

So she steps closer to him to reassure him. That she is here and whatever it is that is bothering him, they can solve it together. His presence never fails to comfort her and she hopes she can do the same for him as well.

Her hand reaches forward, aiming to intertwine with his. But as soon as the tips of her fingers touch the side of his palm, his head swivels. And his eyes widen, the shade on his cheek only getting darker, now it’s beet red.

Levi’s gaze meets Mae’s. She looks at him with concern as worry hangs heavy in her heart.

“I- M- Ma-” The words are caught in his throat, lost in his mind. Nervousness has never hit him in a way where he isn’t even able to speak fluently.

He awkwardly coughs, trying to cover up all his stutters, and his gaze falls on all the people around him. All the soldiers in the mess hall watch the interaction with anticipation, wanting to know what happens next.

And he can’t even speak properly… Tch pathetic. He’s a grown-up man, why is he acting like some love drunk teenager with a stupid crush.

He’s a goddamn captain and a powerful one that has easily slain titans. Then why is speaking a few words becoming so hard for him now?

Decision comes easily to him. Words can stutter, but expressions don’t.

And he has a mission complete, a dream to achieve. He has a reputation to keep and he can’t let himself be bothered by such childish gimmicks.

He looks back at Mae. Her eyes are warm and comforting than the prying eyes of the ones that gawk at him. She flashes him a tight-lipped smile and nods her head. It increases the yearning in his heat by tenfold.

Tch pathetic, what the fuck is wrong with him.

His face contorts into a look of disgust, and he clicks his tongue in irritation. His gaze lingers a little longer on her and then grabbing the papers he kept on the table he storms off.

The tension becomes palpable, and the sound of his angry footsteps fills the mess hall. Everyone can sense the change in the atmosphere

Levi is quick to make it out of the mess hall. And his posture doesn’t relax a tab bit, even when he enters the hallways.

Petra rushes in from the other end. “Heichou, I’m sorry for- ,” she says in between huffed breaths,” being late…Your cheeks are red are you unwell or something?”

He throws a sharp glare at her, and strides forward, completely ignoring her presence.

He is fuming at the way his bodily reactions are completely out of his comprehension. And for the first time, he seems so clueless, with what’s happening within him.

The gates of his office come to sight, and he darts towards it.

He closes the door with a bang and locks it in haste.

Embarrassment seeps into his being and his footsteps get sluggish as he enters the familiar confines of his office.

What the fuck was that. He's a grown-up man, not some loves sick teenager. He’s a captain. A force to be reckoned with. People cower in front of him, and they think twice before approaching him.

And he just stuttered in front of half of the regiment.

And Mae, oh Mae was there as well.

His shoulders wilt and he lumbers towards his connected bedroom.

Was she as nervous as him as well, and did he do wrong by leaving her all alone there when all the attention was on them?

And he just fucking stuttered, would she be disappointed in his lack to even speak coherently? Would she think he’s a loser who can’t hold himself together?

He catches his reflection in the mirror attached next to his cupboard, in his bedroom.

Gray eyes, black hair, dull skin, duller eyebags. The world had left him gray, inadequate of so many colors.

Throughout the trail of life, he has lost so much. Innocence and spirit, liveliness, and wonder.

He doesn’t remember much of his childhood, but he does remember watching the small room he lived in, with wide curious eyes as he would play around with a wooden stick lying on the ground.

And he remembers the anguish in his heart, as his life withered away beside the corpse of his mother. Flies dancing atop her body as he breathed in the rotten air.

He remembers, feeling his flesh dissipate as he sat there hungry for days. His mother had left some money for him on the side table. And his favorite shop was just five minutes away. All he had to do was to get up and get some bread. But he didn’t move… he couldn’t move. Because more than food he was desperate for hope.

Hope that someone would show a little care towards his mother’s rotting corpse. Hope that maybe someone would take him out of this stifling room as well. Hope that he wasn’t all alone now that his mother was dead.

And then Kenny came in, holding in his heart a chance to live, and in another his mother’s corpse with utmost gentleness. And Levi followed him thoughtlessly, instantly thinking of the man in front of him as some hero of sorts. A god sent angel here to help him.

But he isn’t a malnourished kid on the brink of death anymore. He isn’t that naive dumb child who would completely trust a random stranger that stepped into his life.

And he isn’t a weak child, who would do anything just to prove his worth and validate himself from the person that took him in.

He is strong now, strong enough to defeat most men who challenge him with little difficulty. Strong enough to face a bunch of titans and come out scratchless.

Then why is his heart still getting upset at the way he stuttered, thinking that Mae must think lowly of him? Why is his heart so afraid of disappointing her when he doesn’t even need her anymore?

And why is it fluttering stupidly just at the fucking thought of her?

This was all about learning the language and becoming a captain, wasn’t it? Then why does he want to see her more, when he’s already gotten what he wanted from her.

Why does he still crave companionship when he doesn’t need anyone for his survival?

Tch, pathetic… And here he had believed this child had died the day he was left abandoned in the crowd of on-lookers. Where he felt lonelier than ever in a horde of people

His hand reaches towards the glass he keeps on his side table. Fingers grabbing its rim and lifting it into the air. Anger surges through his forearm and he throws it on the wall.

The glass shatters, and it's broken pieces clatter as they fall to the floor.

Turns out that he was weaker than he thought.

His hand scrunches up his hair, pulling a few strands in frustration. When did this happen? How did he fall into a mess like this? When did he become so foolish?

He remembers the years of his life when he was a teen. He would see kids his age holding their lover close, but he would sit alone, hushing the cravings of his heart and the crazy rush of hormones that were making him desperate for stupid things like this.

But no matter what he felt in his heart, he remained vigilant. He had to be because that’s the only way he could survive in the underground. Danger loomed in every corner and fortunately, he was strong enough that no one could harm him physically.

And he would never give anyone the power to hurt him emotionally.

Then he came to the surface and somehow everything got shittier.

He found himself lost, in the open world that ridiculed everything he did and in the confines of his lonely heart. And his mind, still haunted by guilt at the death of his friends.

And amidst all the chaos was her.

Sitting right beside him on the smaller rock with a pout on her face, amidst the lush clearing. As she tried to get rid of him.

There would be her. Lost amidst the books and pages scattered in the lounge of her vacant house. And throwing him awkward smiles whenever their eyes met.

There would be her. Laying on a worn-out mattress, with her hair flat and dull matching the grays of that warehouse, as she mourned her losses.

Things changed as time rolled by. Study sessions turned into rants where she would narrate stories of her childhood. And the horrible, diluted milk tea he hated on his first day, became something he awaited as she mastered making tea exactly the way he liked it.

Awkward smiles turned into teasing remarks. And she would laugh so hard at his jokes that it would make him proud. Days were spent lolling amidst the scent of her lavender lotion, and her blabber about the patients she encountered. And nights, spent walking back to her house when the world slept and only the two remained.

Levi’s eyes fall down and he stares at the broken shards that are scattered on the ground. They are uneven, big, and small. And he sees his reflection in all of them.

Dull gray eyes stare back at him.

He is gray, dull, and mirthless.

And she’s so full of innocence. Bubbling with excitement at the smallest of things.

Once he was like that as well. Filled with so much joy but life sucked him dry of everything.

Somehow he kept going, setting goal after goal, and succeeding. And learning to live with the yawning void that stayed as a permanent guest in his heart.

And then he looked beside him, and there was her again. Sitting beside him on her terrace. Eyes filled with tears of joy as she told him how the stars were here, just for him to look at them.

The wind blew her hair. And she sat swaddled up in the warmth of her colorful, floral blanket. Lashes fluttering and eyes tinged red but sparkling with hope anyways. And she smiled so brightly that day, he would never have guessed that he would see it every day after then.

And oh she was so colorful, filled with all the colors that had once left him.

And while she has all the colors of a sunset, all that he is, is the ashes of burnt carcasses. What value would anyone ever find in that?

His gaze hardens at it his pitiful reflection.

The statement is true, but it still hurts to accept it. His eyes flit elsewhere, escaping from his morose expression that stares right back through the mirror. And they find the red book that contrasts all the white in his room,

The Fable of the Fallen Apple. The romance novel that Levi has completed in a span of 2 days.

Now, he knows for a fact that he likes her. An increase in heartbeat, nervousness in your stomach, sweaty hands, and reddened cheeks. These are all signs of attraction. And Levi has experienced them all by now.

His suspicions have been confirmed. But Levi is also a genius at reading people through their demeanor. And when he heard the subtle change in Mae’s voice when she spoke to him today and saw the way her pupils dilated at the sight of him. He knew that for some stupid reason she likes him as well.

It was so obvious all along, clearly visible in her every action. But he couldn’t figure it out, because of his unfamiliarity with the subject.

The love that his heart craves is reciprocated. And Mae isn’t a random stranger barging into a room, and taking him away. He’s known her for two years. He knows everything about her.

Everything is in his hands. Whatever happens to them next, is his choice.

But is he worthy of that? Is he worthy of her when he lost his friends due to his own fault? Is it worthy when he knows how bad it will hurt if she ever leaves him?

His steps are heavy as he walks towards his bed. His back slumps and he crashes on the mattress. And his shoulders lay heavy with all the thoughts in his head.

He’s a captain, on a mission to annihilate the titans. And he’s a former thug from a filthy place like the underground.

Life has been painful, and pain has taught him discipline.

The world is cruel, and to be weak means getting crushed by its weight. And he isn’t in the position to give anyone the power to hurt him.

Levi stares at the ceiling as his heart and mind stand at war. He rolls his head, staring at his white sheets, and kempt bed. There isn’t a single stain on them, and they smell so clean and look so pristine.

He takes great pride in it.

But as tidy as Levi is, he keeps losing the things that are important to him.

━━━━━━━━━━━━

The sun is drowning in the canopy of trees that surrounds the headquarters. The day is coming to an end but instead of relaxing, cadets clean the castle. Chattering about the day with a broom in their hand.

It's Sunday, or ‘Sanitizing Sunday’ as Levi likes to call it. A new concept introduced by him, ever since he became the captain.

Levi strides through the hallways, inspecting the work and being disappointed at the lack of cleaning skills that everyone here, at the Survey Corps has.

But today is different than most Sundays. And Levi can feel the change when he hears the whispers that flock around as soon as he steps in.

Cadets ogle at him, in a way that they think, is stealthy, but it’s not. It’s fucking obvious and it’s getting on his nerves.

The morning incident is still fresh in everyone’s brains, and he can see it when people look at him. And the hushed voices that follow as soon as he steps out of the corridor.

It only fuels the anger he has for himself, for getting involved in such a stupid thing. And his stupid crush, that he would like to crush under the soles of his boot.

He takes a turn and enters the hallway that leads to his office. His squad is scattered in different corners.

Petra is cleaning the windows. Oluo and Gunther are working with a broom. Eld stands on a stool, removing all the spiderwebs that have formed on the ceilings.

And the farthest from him is Mae, back facing towards him, as she sweeps the floors with a wet rag. Cleaning the headquarters is not something the medical squad participates in, but she’s still helping out the Levi squad. Because she wants to get to know them better and get along with them.

Hange sits on the window sill, next to Mae. And their smile brightens as they see Levi step in. They are so, so happy for him, because god knows that the man needs to get laid

And Levi clicks his tongue as he spots Hange waving at him.

He catches the way Oluo is smirking. He catches the slight smile on Petra’s face, and the way Eld and Gunther throw each other knowing looks.

What is this? Some sort of joke to them.

A stern look plasters across his face, as he strides through the halls confidently. Each footstep, echoing loudly against the concrete flooring.

He walks over his squad members, scrutinizing their work with a harsh gaze, and a frown on his face. And they cower back in submission, as his authority emanates in waves that would intimidate any normal person.

A pin-drop silence falls upon. Levi walks forward, planning to completely ignore Mae, and enter his office, so that he can retire for the day and distract himself with some paperwork.

But he can still feel the gaze of his squad members lingering on his back. They halt and wait to see what will happen next, even when Levi has already passed them, and they should get back to cleaning.

It ticks Levi in the wrong way. Why can't people just mind their own business?

He is still the same rude captain who scared the shit out of everyone.

And he knows he has a crush and this miserable weak spot for the girl who taught him to read and write. But it isn’t something that is up for display. It’s not something that this world is going to see and be invested in.

And now that they are looking his way, he’s going to put up a show to clear out all their misconceptions.

His pace hastens as he strides closer towards Mae. Hange wiggles their eyebrows as they see him making his way towards her. He scoffs at them, and then glares at the top of Mae’s head.

She is crouched down on her knees. Back facing him, as she wipes the floor with the wet rag.

“Tch, pathetic work as usual,” He sneers. Voice dominant and loud enough for his entire squad to hear.

Mae stiffens at the words, and she swipes the floor harder, trying to remove any stain that catches her eye.

“... but it’s not unexpected. Always making a mess, and fucking things up for everyone… Can you stop being useless and do something well for once.” He spits out with as much hatred as he can garner into his words.

Everyone tenses at his words. Hange looks at him with a disapproving look on their face. The air grows thick in tension, and time feels slow as everyone waits for someone to do something, other than being frozen.

Levi watches the expression on the faces of his squad through the corner of his eye. They are timid now, unsure of what to do as their gaze is stuck on the floor.

Good at least now, they wouldn’t think he has a crush on Mae. The rumor will end. And as the news of this incident spreads, people won’t ogle at him and mistake him for some tough man, who’s actually a softie for his crush.

A quiet sniff cuts through the silence, and his attention snaps to the woman in front of him. He can’t see much of her face, because of his viewpoint. But he can see the lone tear that rolls down her cheeks. It shines in the sunlight, and his heart shatters at the sight.

Mae gets up, face facing down. Her feet carry her on her own, to a place that feels safer, than here.

Hange frowns at Levi and runs after her. And Levi can only stare aghast at her fading figure.

He has a shitty mouth, everyone knows that well enough. Mae knows that very well as well. And he never intended to hurt her. What has he done?

He looks back, and finds his squad is staring back at him with wide eyes. “You guys are dismissed,” he seethes through clenched teeth. And they scurry away, not wanting to piss him off any further.

And when he’s sure that no one is in his perry-ferry, not even peeking in through the hallways far behind. He darts towards Mae’s room.

Muffled voices of her crying are the first that hit his ear, as he reaches closer. Then he hears Hange mumbling something and he rushes forward.

The door is closed and he peeks in through the keyhole.

Both of them are sitting on the bed.

Mae clutches onto Hange, careening into them, as she rests her head on their neck. Hange pats her back in a comforting gesture. And Mae’s shoulders shake as she cries into their shoulder.

“Hey…Cheer up Mae, It’s Levi we are talking about. It’s his daily job to be mean, isn’t it?”

She shakes her head vigorously…. “No it’s not like that Hange, Levi isn’t immature like that. He isn’t the one to call someone random things just to hurt them… When he calls the M.P’s pigs he means it. Because they are in a sense pigs that hog on everyone's property and just care about themselves…. And if it’s ever his fault and someone lashes out and puts all the blame on him, then he takes it and never says a word back. Even if it's humiliating.” Her voice breaks as it escapes out of her mouth, and Hange raises a hand up to wipe her tears away.

‘He’s a very good person Hange, he might not seem like a nice guy but he is the kindest person I’ve ever met… He must be going through some shit, for lashing out like that… Is he cleaning his room too often, hmm? Will, you check up on him later for me?”

Levi’s eyes widen at the words. A cozy feeling settles in his chest and his heart skips a beat.

The way she speaks of him makes him sound so beautiful.

But he isn’t.

He is marred with scars on every part of his body. And Mae doesn’t know about all the people he has killed just to get where he is now.

And he knows she’ll be gone, once she sees him for the person he actually is.

And he’d rather leave her now, than her abandoning him once she realizes he’s not good enough.

The mere thought itself hurts, and Levi falters back as a heaviness fills his heart, and he feels the need to run away. To a place where thoughts of losing her wouldn’t bother him. To a place where his mind wouldn’t tear him down to pieces.

But that isn’t possible. Because hell resides in him. In the constant opposition in which his heart and mind stand.

And in his dilemma, he misses out on the words spoken by Mae next.

“I-I’m scared Hange… I’ve told him everything. And he’s the person in the walls who knows me best. Whatever he said must have some meaning behind it, right?… What if he truly thinks I’m useless?… What if I am truly useless? I mean I’m not extraordinary in any way, you know? I’m scared Hange, what if to him, I’m just not good enough… And what if… I’m actually not good enough?”

Author's note:

It feels so nostalgic to post a chapter again. Publishing a chapter and reading the comments would literally be the one event I would be the most excited for throughout the week. And I don't know is anyone's still gonna keep up with this fic, because the update has been inconsistent, and I quickly lose interest in fics. But nevertheless, I'm so glad to be back her again.

I haven't been able to write as much as I thought I would in this break, because college life is so much more socialization lol. But I'll try my best to update regularly, every Sunday as promised.

I hope you guys liked the chapter! Any comment or feedback is highly appreciated. I hope you have a great week ahead.

See you next Sunday!

Taglist: @keijikunn

26 notes · View notes