#'You want a comedy? So do we all fuck you. get out of vietnam'

[cosmik-homo]

My favorite mash thing so far is when an episode just refuses to be funny. Like Look At The Horrors, Boy.

#'You want a comedy? So do we all fuck you. get out of vietnam' #this show has some Getting Of It going on in general but i am particularly fond of how it handles Formatting so far #maybe its just a period thing - I haven't really watched any comedy television from the early 70s to compare- #but there's a fluidity to format i appreciate. some episodes are textbooks sitcom some are basically complications of sketches and they're #mixing up comedy and drama and plot and like. there's a sense the writers understand what FLUFF means. idk i think there's a good mix #to how what i watched so far of mash handles it's Genre-iness and its format.

[variousqueerthings]

“one of the top three sexiest robin williams roles” you can’t just leave that in the tag without saying what the others are (but if I’ve missed it OTL)

Okay, okay I admit, I was being mildly flippant because I think robin williams is highly capable of being sexy and armand is a great example, however now that we're here, let us consider the tenets of the sexy robin williams character

EDIT: also at this point, apologies, I was out travelling for a few days, I was not ignoring you. ahem. continuing:

did I come across him as a kid/teenager in a story that made me cry my eyes out

moustache/general hairiness

how queer is he

how well-dressed is he

how anti-authoritarian is he

does he make me laugh

Let's go wild and say every one of these gets rated from 0-10 (with 0 being for example "not at all hairy" and 10 being "sexy motherfucker")

now, here's some of his most well-known ventures

good morning vietnam: he's not got a moustache, because it's the army, but because it's the army his natural anti-authoritarianism is dialled up. he queers the space and goes hard on the camp comedy. loses points for being about americans in vietnam, and he's kind of a pest towards a vietnamese woman to begin with (although he does improve). best out of context line: "we can't say dyke these days, we can't even say lesbian, we have to say woman in comfortable shoes." Also the movie ends on a dorothy/wizard of oz quote. it's definitely not queer, but it's also... a choice.

0 on me crying for him, 3 on his chest peeking out once or twice, 7 on queerness (although I cannot overstate that it's not queer, but it IS him doing great camp as robin williams), 4 on the well-dressed I guess, at least he's not always in khaki, like... 6 on anti-authoritarian, because he's still an american in vietnam, 6 on the laughter because when I laugh I laugh a lot, but some of it ages pooorly = 26 points

dead poets society: the og "teacher you had a crush on, because he affirmed your queer identity and taught you poetry." I have since worked with tutors who taught me poetry and yeah, you do get heart eyes at them, poetry and being heard just does that to you. it's anti-authoritarian of course, it's professor-chic. it's low on the hairiness scale though. of course, it is also very very sad. he's dressed like me 20 years from now.

9 on sobbing scale, 2 on hairiness from memory, 8 on queerness in that whole fucking movie, 7 on well-dressed (this is about my gender okay), 5 on the laughter he's still robin williams even when he's only joking around a little, 8 on anti-authoritarian = 39 points

to wong foo: only in it briefly, canonically bisexual, leaves an impression, however the birdcage gives him more to work with, also... he has a soul patch, it is there, one must see it RIP. however I like that he just appeared in this movie, which was very bold in the way it cast its roles for the time

0 on sobbing scale (for him), 0 on the hair-scale my goodness, 10 for queerness that is a bisexual man (his truest self), 6 on well-dressed yes he's technically well-dressed but I don't like it much, and 5 on anti-authoritarian -- he's a queer so duh but it's not really in the plot for him, 7 on the laughter he's just charming = 28 points

bicentennial man: he's a robot who argues for his right to be considered alive. he's not my personally sexiest robot of all time, but every robot is a sexy robot. this one also made me cry (we're seeing a trend huh).

IIII cannot rate his sexiness in this movie, it's been too long -- will have to rewatch and get back to it

good will hunting: we love a dramatic turn, I wanted to say, but he did a lot of dramatic turns actually. this one might be the most straightforward dramatic that I've watched though. he's got a beard! he's helping out a kid without a lot of opportunities. he's challenging toxic masculinity. we love a sexy bearded man who's making the world a better place, breaking the cycle

yeah I cried at this as a kid 8 points, iiihihihi he has A BEARD 10 points! queer ethos related to breaking the cycle of toxic masculintitty and being someone who's looking at methods of healing and non-nuclear family support networks but not overall super queer on his character's front necessarily 5, 4 on the well-dressed it's worse than dead poets, 7 on anti-authoritarian, hmmm and 4 on laughter... it's still robin williams = 38 points

jumanji: a mess of a person who never shaved before, that's trans man aesthetics forya. he's a bit too busy for me to consider him sexy necessarily, he arrives and immediately man-eating plants, man-hunters (no innuendo intended), floods, and what-have-yous follow. he doesn't have time to be sexy, but that being said...

yes I cried to this movie as a kid 7 on the sad williams, okay he is hairy but is he kempt at all??? still 6, idk if it's queer to be trapped inside a game for most of your life but it'll certainly make you neurodivergent which is queer enough 5, badly dressed (sorry) 3, anti-authoritarian... tricky... he doesn't get on with his strict dad as a kid, he evades a man-hunter (again, no innuendo), he gets arrested by a cop and he continues to roll the dice on a game that wreaks havoc (although he continues to abide by the rules of the game sooo there's a whole essay here, let's just say 5), 4 on the laughter = 30

hon mentions: hook -- makes me cry too hard to even consider sexiness + when I was a kid it was all about dante basco. mrs doubtfire -- the particular kind of drag he does doesn't do it for me, but we love a genderfluid icon. mork&mindy -- I haven't actually seen it, but he seems too baby overall at that point. flubber -- he's got that mad professor type Look, but I've never actually seen it (I saw a trailer over and over on one of my vhs' as a kid), life according garp is a weird fucking movie which is surprisingly trans-positive but also just like... not well-made, I wanna watch what dreams may come

AND FINALLY BIRDCAGE - one of my queerbaby movies I elegantly let the tears fall 7, HIS CHEST HIS FACIAL HAIR HIS ARMS 10/10, 10 ON QUEERNESS, 10 ON DRESS, loses points on the authoritarian because he gives in to his petulant son's demands for heterosexuality BUT gains some back for his speech about being a middleaged fag + standing by his lover at the end 7, YES HE MAKES ME LAUGH 8 = 52

DING DING DING actually Birdcage is robin williams' sexiest role woops are we surprised?

generally: robin williams is underrated as a hairy man tbh, my guy's arms and chest are 👀👀👀👀👀

#i need to sleep #robin williams #yeah yeah unedited fuckit have at it! #imgonna watch bicentennial man tomorrow #probably cry fucking hell im outing myself here #the birdcage #good morning vietnam #jumanji #dead poets society #good will hunting #bicentennial man #to wong foo #etcetc #goodnight

[the-mercurial-star-o-vesper]

EVER WONDER WHY WE’RE HERE?

One of the funny things to notice about Red vs Blue, is that its a peculiar mix of Plot-Driven and Character-Driven

Its appears to be a plot-driven show, because our main characters have no real stakes, or the stakes are ultimately impersonal.

Normally in a story, it can get boring when a character is just reacting to events rather than participating. But that’s the thing about comedy, comedy doesn’t necessarily have to be funny, it just has to be light hearted, and comedy breaks the rules.

Its plot-driven in a way where the very plot of the show gets fucking annoyed that its main characters don’t have personal stakes or drives. It tries, repeatedly, to get the characters invested, and then they don’t. It is, in a sense, a Comedy of Errors.

Its plot-driven because our Main Characters are technically Side-Characters to a story that isn’t theirs. In fact, one of the most arc’d questions is literally asking, “What the fuck are we here for?”

The Freelancer Drama is the Sci-Military plot you would expect out of a major films series-- Red vs Blue is just typical military stories. Freelancers play the idea of the super soldier badass from films, and Red vs Blue is just real-world military stories, with all the idiocy, the bizarre commands, the wondering what the fuck are you doing and what the fuck were you thinking.

The Freelancer stuff is basically Halo meets Mass Effect, with galaxy ending stakes and weird powers and weapons. Red vs Blue is MASH, being a lighter end of what can be summed up as “Space Vietnam War”.

Even Church, the closest we have to a main character in the cast, has this dynamic-- real-world side, he’s a highly traumatized asshole who struggles with apathy and self-worth, which tends to be more real than naught-- but epic-plot side, he’s just the background MacGuffin you hear about, but only shows up about 2/3′s of the Movie in when most of the important shit is done and then he dies because he’s not important anymore.

So when the plot comes poking, Our Main characters (The side-characters, the typical campfire story grunts) ultimately tell it to fuck off half the time.  RvB looks you straight in the eye, and basically asks “Are you seeing this shit? That’s kinda fucked up, man.”

Meanwhile, the Freelancer drama is a bunch of unique characters that could all fit the Hero role of an epic space drama, with all their personal stakes, all the plot triggers going on and how they actively affect the world around them...

... and it sucks. Turns out, being a self-centered individual with super armor powers who is trying to get what they want at all times, like a typical story-character in name any movie / book / show, is absolutely fucking Miserable and Destructive. They’re the deconstruction of Main Characters, where each person is a Main Character who holds their own focus the plot-- and most of them die in the end to needless dramatic nonsense, trying to compete to be that Main Character at all times, to a severe “Narrator” (The Director).

And ultimately, it could’ve all been resolved with everybody living, if they hadn’t given that much of a shit.

Dropped the character-arc and just, sit down and talk. React to shit, you don’t have to be that important.

There’s very few times that our man RvB Cast, the Blood Gulch Crew, flips the switch from Reaction to Action. And it usually means, if ts the loss of a Squadmate.

The Galaxy is too damn big, and they’re a tiny group on the front lines, its impossible to care about every little thing and its impossible to believe that one small odd circumstance or one overly dramatic and angsty super-soldier can end everything, but you can at least ensure the bastard next to you gets to live to see the next planet-rise. Because that’s kind of a fucked up thing to let happen.

And that...

... is where the real Character Drive is. Its based on real-world like characters, people you would see or meet randomly and they’re always “That One Guy”. Any personal stakes are purely their own, and not really any of the plot’s damn business. Frankly you’re there to just do a job and hopefully not die, because real people don’t normally put their goals so grandiose.

Grif just wants comfort and doesn’t bother pushing himself to any lengths if there’s no point, Simmons wants to be appreciated for his intellect and be supported under pressure, Donut wants to be expressive after a life time of repression, Sarge wants purpose any purpose, Tucker wants physical comforts but he has no social skills, Caboose wants to be happy, Doc wants to help people in general, and Church is just looking for a decent enough change where he’s not in the pit he is now.

And the “Plot” is annoyed, because it views these things as unimportant. It wants to push, shove, drag kicking and screaming, until the characters do what it wants them to do... and then they continue not to, because any sane person would look at the plot, and run away screaming.

The Plot drives the Freelancers Drama, and events happened it fucked up everybody involved, because no matter the stakes or the arcs, the Freelancers all wanted one thing-- to basically be Space Super Hero Soldiers (Because you help people and that’s cool as hell). And you can’t really be character-driven when you all have the same goal and no real agency on how to reach it that isn’t reactive and doesn’t end in someone being dead.

All of it was the machinations of a malicious narrator who couldn’t get over his personal demons, and so inflicted them on everybody. S’bit like bad drama.

When our Cast finally could not ignore the Plot anymore, they confronted it and did so successfully-- so successfully that, in typical RvB fashion, they looked at it and then they abandoned it immediately, cos it was pointless from the start.

So in summary.

Plot-driven is actually Character-Driven, but its still simply not their plot. Real people do just sit around and talk until something interesting happens, and then don’t change very much afterwards. That’s real life, and you’d think that it wouldn’t work in a story.

On a military side, RvB in its first 14 seasons, is exactly how a military service is. The point of military is that there isn’t any unique character that’s not uniformed to the whole-- its plot-driven because you are told “Soldier, go here” and you’re trained to not ask questions (discover more plot) and be professional (be impersonal).

RvB takes the realistic route (Likely by incident-- but there were Vets in the original cast) in that a military attracts all extremes and the high stress gets to people-- so you end up with severe quirks, malpracticed coping mechanisms and plain apathy, trying not get shit duty, and following orders that simply do not makes sense if you think too hard about them.

Like I said, Space ‘Nam.

The moment that RvB tried to turned it around into a Military Space Drama, like what its been avoiding for Years, well, fucking yeah it was going fall to pieces. Because that was the exact antithesis of how RvB runs.

You do find the answer though, to one of Life’s greatest mysteries.

“Ever Wonder why we’re here?”

“Does it matter? Fuck it.”

#red vs blue #rvb #blood gulch crew #freelancer project #Grif (RvB) #simmons (rvb) #donut (rvb) #sarge (rvb) #Doc (RvB) #tucker (rvb) #caboose (rvb) #church (rvb) #rvb analysis

[sammysdewysensitiveeyes]

13, 24, 27 for Pyro

and

3 for a Dark Shadows character of your choice!

13. Dumbest thing they've ever done.

Oh boy, where do I start here? So many contenders.

I'd probably have to say that time that Freedom Force attacked the X-Men (without Mystique's permission and behind her back), and Pyro tried directly challenging Storm. This was during the time that Storm had lost her powers, but Pyro's flame reacted with the fog in the air to cause rain, so Pyro basically took himself out.

Runner up - that time in TAS that Pyro did not recognize Rogue despite her having formerly been in the Brotherhood, and tried to flirt with her by torching a chair and making a bad pun. I want to emphasize, he literally just torched a chair and didn't actually manipulate the flame at all, which means he was trying to impress Rogue as "guy with a flamethrower."

Toss him through the wall, Rogue.

Also that same episode he shot fire at Cable, a huge hulking guy strapped with guns, for no good reason, and got himself knocked out and nearly drowned. "Don't call me darling."

Second runner-up - That impulsive drunken skull-face tattoo. I am 100% certain Pyro had some next-day regrets about that, even though he would never admit it.

24. Most annoying habit

He's definitely a show-off and braggart, and can often be quite petty and mean. Probably a conversation one-upper, and a million "When I was in Vietnam/the Brotherhood/jail" stories of dubious credibility. Although I also think those are fun aspects of his character.

Probably smoking. Pyro is a smoker and I doubt he's very considerate about second-hand smoke. Also, if you lend him your lighter you will never see it again.

27. Their guilty pleasure

Soap operas. Pyro loves watching soaps for all the plot twists and drama, many of which he rips-off uses for inspiration in his novels. Although I think Pyro would be defiantly unashamed of watching soaps. "I'm a romance writer, what the fuck do you expect?"

Pyro's real guilty pleasure - light-hearted romantic comedies and occasional sappy Hallmark movies. Sometimes St. John just needs a pick-me up in the form of a feel-good movie about a career woman moving back to her small town and discovering both love and the true meaning of Christmas. If you walk in on Pyro watching one of these movies he will switch it off faster than actual porn.

3. Obscure headcanon (for a Dark Shadows character)

Bless you for asking me about Dark Shadows. I like to imagine a lot of moments of Willie (Barnabas's servant/vampire thrall) introducing Barnabas to 20th century culture, especially post-Wyndcliff when Barnabas was being a little nicer to Willie. Like Willie getting Barnabas to try pizza and hamburgers during his "cured" non-vampire times when he could actually eat real food. "C'mon, Barnabas, you gotta try it at least once, it's really good, and people will expect you to have eaten pizza before, it'll help you fit in."

Barnabas eats pizza and hamburgers with a knife and fork, no one can convince him to do otherwise.

Barnabas trying to relate to Vicky: "Willie prepared some.....spa-ghe-tti for me the other night, such an interesting, flavorful dish, although a bit inconvenient to eat."

Willie had no idea what to do when Barnabas asked him for some salt-pork, he just ran out and got Barnabas a hot dog. Barnabas became surprisingly fond of baked beans with cut-up hot dogs, and would offer it to guests.

Willie was similarly troubled when Barnabas wanted roast pigeon. "We, uh....we don't really eat that anymore, Barnabas. Maybe some fried chicken instead?" Thankfully, Barnabas loved the Colonel's 11 herbs and spices.

(I feel like this works even better for the 91 Revival Willie and Barnabas, who don't have as contentious a relationship. Like 91 Willie would be eager to take Barnabas to the movies or play the Beatles for him or introduce him to Chinese food.)

[ryuzakemo128]

Stranger Things Incorrect Quotes Part Seven

Part one / Part Two / Part Three / Part Four / Part Five / Part Six / Part Seven

Dividers Used: Link

Masterlist

Eddie: I told Marianna their ears flush when they lie. Steve: Why? Eddie: Look. Eddie: Hey Marianna! Do you love us? Marianna, covering their ears: No. Steve:

*context*: Marianna only just started hanging out with Eddie and Steve.

Eddie: I can’t believe you live nearby, and you won’t let anyone crash at your place. Marianna: You people already know too much about me. Steve: I know exactly three facts about you, and one of them is that you won’t let any of us crash at your place.

Eddie: Please bring home PURIFIED water with NO minerals added for taste Marianna: We got spring water Eddie: NO. Steve: with EXTRA minerals Marianna: it's like licking a stalagmite Eddie: DON'T COME HOME. Steve: Mmmmm cave water

Eddie: In your opinion, what’s the height of stupidity? Marianna: *turning to Steve* How tall are you?

Eddie, at a restaurant: You guys should get the orange soda, it's amazing. Marianna: Okay Waiter: Can I get you guys anything to drink? Eddie: Orange soda, please! Marianna: I'll have the strawberry soda. Steve: Me too, strawberry soda. Eddie:

Marianna: What if mayonnaise came in cans? Steve: Well, that would suck because you can't microwave metal. Eddie: Good morning to everyone except these two people.

Marianna, to Eddie: My life is in the hands of an idiot! Eddie, motioning to themself and Steve: No no no no no, TWO idiots!

Marianna: Come on, I wasn't that drunk last night. Steve: You were flirting with Eddie. Marianna: So what? He's my partner. Steve: You asked them if he was single. Marianna: Steve: And then you cried when he said he wasn't.

Marianna: If Eddie and I were drowning, who would you save? Steve: You two can't swim? Eddie: It's a hypothetical question, Steve! who would you save? Steve: my time and effort.

Marianna: Hey, did you know as a kid I accidentally ate paper? Steve: I feel like we've all done that at least once. Eddie: I ate it too- Steve: See? Eddie::-On purpose... Marianna & Steve: ...What?

Marianna: Yo dumbass, get over here. Steve: Okay Eddie: * gleefully runs past* I'm coming! Steve, sadly: I thought...I was dumbass...

The squad is trying to con some random guy Marianna: Um, Eddie, why are you pretending I'm this guy's family? Eddie: We need money! Marianna: You're scamming him? Eddie: I was thinking more like flat- out stealing from him? Marianna: What?!No way! Eddie: Why not? We already stole Steve! Steve: Hey guys Marianna: No, we didn't. Steve can think and talk for himself, he can do whatever he wants! Steve: I wanna steal

Marianna: Look at the buns on that guy! Eddie: *lying on the floor, covered in hamburger buns* Steve:: This is the comedy police! The joke's too funny! Marianna:: I'm not going back to jail!

Marianna: Do you ever feel bugs on you when really there's nothing there? Eddie: Those are the ghosts of the bugs you killed before. Marianna: Marianna: *sobs* Steve: You fucking scared her, you idiot.

Marianna: Do you think different paints have different tastes? Eddie: They do. Steve: Why did you say that with such...certainty?

Marianna: *accidentally brushes Eddie’s hand with her own* Eddie: *aggressively holds her hand* Fucking commit to it!

Marianna: Kissing can burns 26 calories in a minute, wanna work-out with me? ;) Eddie: Are saying that I'm fat? Marianna: No that's not what I meant I-

Marianna: Eddie, stop! This isn't you, you've gone mad with power! Eddie: Well of course I have. Eddie: Have you ever tried going mad without power? Eddie: It's boring.

Marianna: I was going to suggest we do Marilyn Monroe and JFK roleplay, but I’d get way too into it. Eddie: What- how? Marianna: You’d be like 'come to bed … Mr. President' and I’d be like, 'I need to increase the amount of American military advisors in South Vietnam by a factor of 18.'

Marianna: I slept for almost 12 hours but I might still be tired so lets go for 12 more just incase. Eddie: Marianna, that's a coma. Marianna: Sounds festive.

Marianna: Eddie... Why did you draw a pentagram on the floor? Eddie: Your text told me to satanize the house before you returned. Marianna: Marianna: I wrote sanitize, Eddie.

Marianna: I don’t do relationships. Eddie: *exists* Marianna: Shit.

Marianna: Change is inedible. Eddie: Don't you mean inevitable? Marianna, spitting out coins: No, I did not.

Marianna: English is a difficult language. It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though. Eddie: You need to stop.

Marianna: Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween! It's terrible for the environment! Eddie: Yeah! Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly!

Eddie: I went through an entire character arc during quarantine Eddie: I became more evil if you’re curious Marianna: We're still in quarantine, don't worry, there's time for a redemption arc still! Eddie: I'm going to get worse on purpose

Eddie, tending to Marianna's wounds: How would you rate your pain? Marianna: Zero stars. Would NOT recommend.

Eddie: Someone will die. Marianna: Of fun!

#Stranger Things #stranger things #Stranger Things Incorrect Quotes #Stranger Things Imagine #Stranger Things Drabble #Stranger Things Fanfiction #Stranger Things Fanfic #Stranger Things Season 4 #Eddie Munson #Steve Harrington #Marianna (Female Reader) #Marianna Sokolova (Female Reader) #Female Reader #Fem! Reader #F! Reader #Eddie Munson x Female Reader x Steve Harrington #Eddie Munson x Fem! Reader x Steve Harrington #Eddie Munson x F! Reader x Steve Harrington #Eddie Munson x Female Reader #Eddie Munson x Fem! Reader #Eddie Munson x F! Reader #Stranger Things Fluff #Stranger Things Angst #Stranger Things Smut #Smut #Fluff #Angst #Eddie Munson Fluff #Eddie Munson Angst #Eddie Munson Smut

[popculturebuffet]

July 4th Special Review: Celebrity Deathmatch : July 4th Spectacular W/Bonus Match (Comissioned by WeirdKev27)

Happy 4th you happy people! It’s america’s birthday and sadly it hasn’t been her proudest year what with a bunch of lying , selfish, overpolicing assholes deciding to ban abortion and cost people their lives and freedoms because they don’t agree with them, even worse given one of said assholes is a woman herself yet felt this was remotely okay, and two others are out and out sex monsters who somehow got to supreme court.  And yes I am indeed opening with that as while I love this country, I feel what happened in the last few weeks was disgusting and hope despite overwhleming odds we get it overturned. 

It’s been a few weeks caked with dread and being disapointed in our country, so I was thankful to take this review on as it’s a nice break, to take a second and not look on in shame at our country but look at what it’s capable of: a bunch of clay puppets beating each other to death in over the top slapstick while one of the ringside refs pretends to be a vietnam vet. You know something for everyone. So it’s time to get back in the ring with Celebrity Deathmatch

For those less familiar with the show, quick recap: Celebrity Deathmatch was beautifully animated and wonderfully stupid show on MTV, pitting various celebrties dead or alive, they had a time machine after all, in as you’d expect, fights to the death, basically taking the WWE Attiude Era style of the time with it’s violence and crassness and adding in celebrity parodies, wonderful claymation and slapstick yet gory deaths. The result is as you can imagine hit or miss: Some eps i’ve watched haven’t been very good with gilbert gottfrieds guest spot being unreviewable... he was naturally the best part.

But i’m happy to say today’s selection is a keeper. While there is some dated ness to some of the comedy here and there, this is the first ep i’ve watched where only a joke or two in the matches has aged badly. The rest of it works wonderfully and i’m happy to show it to you this america explosion day. I’m also throwing in a cool bonus, a match from another episode i’m doing completely free because i’ve been on a beavis and butthead kick for obvious reasons. You can guess which one. So let’s ring the fucking bell and get ready to rumble shall we?

Wraparound: As usual the show has a running plot with our commentary team, the infalppable Johnny Gomez and wacky screwup who keeps a great deadpan Nick Diamond. Today’s match is set on the 4th itself , and besides celebrating the day with america themed violence , some vetrans are present, including Johnny himself who served in grenda.. a country we invaded and was called out by various countries as “fucked up man”. 

So Nick fakes being a vetran and Johnny while clearly suspcious just sorta rolls with it because he wants to get on with the show. We also get our delightful image form that as Nick sneak attacks Johnny just to prove he was in nam.... and to show off his severed ear necklace. The punchline that he stole all his war paraphenlia including the ears is also great, as is them beating his ass. God bless our men in uniform. 

Opening Musical Number:

The episode is padded out after the card is laid out with one minute and 30 seconds of what I THINK are supposed to be the ramones performing a rock based version of various patrotic tunes. 

Match 1: Bill Clinton Vs Ken Starr

This is easily the weakest match on the card... in part because it’s a match between a serial sexual harasser who lied to the country, ruined a young woman’s life by seducing her (Though Mrs. Lewinski has not only bounced back but was a writer on the American Crime Story season covering the whole affair, which was excellenty), stringing her along and then throwing her under the bus to save himself, and a selfish republican asshat who went after clinton not because he was legit in the wrong, and he was, but because they wanted to bring him down and whose legal team harassed Monica for a full day, keeping her imprisoned illegally. Neither of these men are ones I care if they win. They both suck and I really don’t get what the point is. That Bill Clinton was charming enough to escape the consequences of his actions? That people loved him but piled shit on monica? Yeah as you can tell watching American Crime Story: Impeachment really.. didn’t make this the best watch, but unlike some matches i’ve watched it wasn’t unwatchable either as they did some shockingly good jokes on clinton’s word salad attempts to avoid perjury, and given how trod the road was at the time that’s impressive, and the finish is awesome: Starr in a rage attacks the crowd and clinton punches the fucker into the liberty bell cracking it.  I may no longer like the man.. but damn that’s fun. 

Match 2: James Van Der Beek (W/Bill Clinton) Vs Sadam Hussien

Look I haven’t watched Dawson’s Creek and with the Iraq War since this and the massive loss of life.... yeah this shouln’t of worked. But the sheer lunacy of the match makes it work: Teen, at the time, hearthrob and future best thing abotu don’t trust the b in apartment 23, and that show had Krystn Ritter so i’ts a high bar to climb, James Van Der Beek versus Sadam Freaking Hussien is just too insane for me not to love it from ref (lovingly dressed up like uncle sam) Mills lane checking him for weapons, to James using the asknig about the relationship cliche of teen dramas to sucker Sadam, to BILL CLINTON RUNNIN GIN WITH A STEEL CHAIR, to WMD cheeseburgers, this match is just too lovingly nuts for me to hate and you can’t not like James Van Der Beek finishing off a dictator with the american flag. Him getting arrested for it not so much but still a fun match. 

Main Event: George Washington W/Teddy Rosevelt vs Abe LIncoln W/Richard Nixon

This one is just pure crack in the best way. It’d be fun enough taking two cultural icons and having them try and murder each other.. but the show added in by having manly man and big drinker Teddy Rosevelt and walking garbage fire Richard Nixon as the cornermen, with Nixon naturally talking Washington into fighting dirty, from handing him an axe to convincing him he’s the best. Seeing Washington play heel is amazing and the best use of our founding father i’ve seen this year.. and i’ve seen him as a cannibal. It’s just such a contrast and adding in him using quarters as throwing stars it’s just marvelous. LIncoln meanwhile tries to be civil.. till Washington destroys his hat

Though he looses a leg to the axe, and for once a ref is useful in something resrembling wrestling as Mills Lane orders Nixon out and when he naturally refuses because Sewer Monsters don’t listen to orders well, Teddy decaptates his ass. I mean.. it won’t really stop him from doing his usual stuff

But it’s a valiant effort. We also get lincoln using lady liberty’s tourch to BURN GEORGE WASHINGTONS TEETH. This... this is why I honestly dont’ have a ton of jokes for this one. It’s just so glorious on it’s own what do I fucking add?  The final joke is also great as we get a mount rushmore of president heads, with Nixon in place of jefferson because shut up. All in all a glorious, goryious match. Go find this episode and because you stuck around here’s a bonus treat

Bonus Match: Beavis Vs Butthead

This was part of the episode Fandemonium III though you can find the complete match on the offical mtv youtube. And I recommend you do as this was fun. The writers of CDM got beavis and butthead to a point, and we even get them being slapped greatly after Beavis, as you’d expect, asks if he can do mills lane’s grandughter. Mike Judge even guest starred to do the animation and the voices. So combined with good writing it comes off exactly how you thinmk it  would: The two, given a bunch of cartoony weapons, being entirley stupid and not getting their fighting to the death , instead screwing around with weapons and nearly killing each other, going claymation thanks to fire extinquishers, and generally being themselves. We even get adults not getting how dumb they are with Nick and Johnny assuming their hurting each other is brillant strategy and not you know, a normal thursday for them. The finish is also awesome as we get THE GREAT CORNHOLIO who destroys butthead and shreds him .. and plans to use the shreds as teepee fo rhis bunghole which is horrifying but perfectly fittng. Thanks for reading and happy fourth

#mtv #celebrity deathmatch #the 4th of july #indepdence day #beavis and butthead #james van der beek #richard nixon #bill clinton #george washington #ken starr

[jp-hunsecker]

At one point, the protagonist’s quest is described as “idiotic but noble.” The same may be said of the movie itself, except I’m not too sure about the “noble” part. As a Zac Efron vehicle, it’s a good career move away from misguided attempts at ‘serious’ roles in Gold and the Ted Bundy movie (you now the name, don’t make me type it out); he’s a perfect fit for the part precisely because it calls for a shallow pretty boy whom no one takes seriously. Unfortunately for Efron, this time it’s the film as a whole that’s utterly misguided.

The long and short of it is that war is no laughing matter. That’s why you don’t see too many comedies revolving around armed conflicts — at least not funny ones. MASH, for example, is cynical and mean-spirited enough to qualify as a rare Robert Altman misfire (on the other side of the spectrum, The Great Dictator works because as a satire dealing obliquely with Nazism, it doesn’t actually have any Nazis in it).

The Greatest Beer Run Ever might as well be called Good Afternoon, Vietnam (although Efron is positively sedate compared to Robin Williams); the allegedly true — yet thoroughly disingenuous — story of a wisecracking bum who undergoes a phony epiphany (epiphony?) following which he comes to realize that War is indeed Hell after all. Gee, who woulda thunk it?

Why do I call it disingenuous? There’s the bottomless duffel bag filled with a seemingly endless supply of beer cans (sure, the hero might have just bought more booze once in Vietnam, especially after he finds out, very much to his surprise, that American beer is readily available; however, that would have defeated what little purpose his trip had). There’s the getting away scot-free with impersonating a CIA agent. There’s the making a civilian run for dear life across no-man’s-land. There’s the many conveniently serendipitous encounters. And then there’s the CGI elephants — which leads me to the proverbial elephant in the room.

The movie’s biggest issue is that it approaches war the same way it does alcoholism (I guess Eric Idle was right about American beer being fucking close to water, because in spite of imbibing copiously on a daily basis, the protagonist is never hungover). As I hinted above, it wouldn’t be too much of a comedy if it tackled the carnage head-on the way Platoon (to name only one of many textbook examples) does, but by carefully tiptoeing around it the film comes across as naive at best and callous at worst. To paraphrase Boyz N’ the Hood, the filmmakers either don’t know or don’t care — to be sure, they certainly don’t show.

This results in a pervading sense of detachment from the larger Vietnam context, which ironically is more intense when the movie finally decides to depict acts of violence (as opposed to simply refer to them as off-screen occurrences), because they have clearly been added digitally in post-production, so that even when they’re there, they’re still not really there. Thus, when a jeep blows up, its supposed flames supposedly engulfing a couple of soldiers, the visual has more in common with the cartoonish violence of Starship Troopers than, say, the silently eloquent burning car in Kenneth Branagh’s Belfast.

In consequence, the sentiment the movie attempts to convey rings as hollow and untrue as the events it portrays. Particularly symptomatic of this is Russell Crowe’s character; I don’t want to say he’s playing himself, but he’s definitely playing Russell Crowe in one of his many action roles — to the point that his rugged, tough-guy photographer seems to have wandered in from a Ridley Scott thriller being shot somewhere in the vicinity.

The Greatest Beer Run Ever movie review (2022) | Roger Ebert I started to wonder if this film wasn't made just so people would be nicer to Farrelly's last movie by comparison.www.rogerebert.com

“[Russell Crowe] conveys a believable curiosity in Chickie, someone who he tries to teach and protect, but Farrelly’s film doesn’t give him nearly enough screen time to drag the movie into something more believable.”

Also criminally misused is Bill Murray; so much so that when his character disappears never to be seen again after the first act, we can chalk it up to addition by subtraction.

'The Greatest Beer Run Ever' Tells the Story of One Clueless Dude Peter Farrelly's new movie might have been a disaster with any other star, but Zac Efron manages to keep it on track…time.com

“The Greatest Beer Run might have been a total disaster with any other star, but Efron … manages to keep the movie on track with sheer laid-back charisma.”

That might be true were it not that “laid-back charisma” is entirely the wrong note to play. Consider the scene where Efron’s character improbably (basically, the way he does everything in the movie) survives a night in a trench in the middle of a war zone; he simply shrugs it off with a smug “It wasn’t that bad.” The hell?

“Farrelly’s great sin here is that he just wants to tell a nice story about a guy who did a crazy thing and learned some valuable lessons in the process. It doesn’t fully work, but it’s not a crime against humanity.”

Of course it isn’t; if nothing else, this film is staunch proof that Farrely wouldn’t know a crime against humanity if it slapped him in his stupid face.

The Greatest Beer Run Ever Review: Vietnam War Dramedy Struggles with Tone The Greatest Beer Run Ever tells the almost unbelievable true story of a man's sobering adventure during the Vietnam…movieweb.com

“The Greatest Beer Run Ever correctly portrays American societal turmoil. A wide swath of the country’s youth believed the war was an unjustified act of aggression. We had no business interfering with Vietnam’s civil war.”

In other breaking news, Generalissimo Francisco Franco is still dead.

“Chickie gets a front-row seat to death, savagery, and chaos, all while toting a bag of brews.”

Actually, it’s more of a nosebleed seat.

The Greatest Beer Run Ever Zac Efron heads to the frontlines of Vietnam to deliver beer to his buddies in Peter Farrelly's comedy-flecked war…www.empireonline.com

“[The movie] is at least enjoyable company for a couple of hours, warmly presented and confidently shot (when the Tet Offensive explodes into Saigon, you feel the danger).”

Uh, no you don’t.

“It’s a little like its protagonist: slightly misguided, but ultimately hard to resent.”

Personally, I don’t find it at all hard to resent the film and the character. And the director. And the actor.

The Greatest Beer Run Ever This movie's title might sound like hyperbole. Until you realize it's about a guy who took beer to his buddies in…www.pluggedin.com

“A news photographer [Russell Crowe] in a Saigon bar orders another cocktail, saying, “One more time for Jesus.””

That’s actually the single best line of dialogue in the entire movie (which is tantamount to saying it is the only good line of dialogue).

The Greatest Beer Run Ever Wastes a Very Good Zac Efron Movie Review: In 'The Greatest Beer Run Ever,' now on Apple TV+, Zac Efron plays John "Chickie" Donohue, a New York man…www.vulture.com

“The filmmakers seem so impressed with the fact that all this really happened that they haven’t done the work necessary onscreen to convince us that something like this could really happen.”

Not to mention that, as is the case with all movies based on a quote-unquote true story, about 95% of what we see on screen has been embellished, exaggerated, and/or downright fabricated.

The Greatest Beer Run Ever Ever since he finished a quiet stint in the Marine Corps, John "Chickie" Donohue (Zac Efron) has spent his nights…parentpreviews.com

“ … while Zac Efron certainly manages to play the simplistic young party guy, he never sells the more serious moments.”

That applies to pretty much Efron’s entire filmography.

OPINION | REVIEW: Effron carries 'The Greatest Beer Run Ever' If it wasn't based on a true story, and if it didn't star Zac Efron, "The Greatest Beer Run Ever" might not work as a…www.arkansasonline.com

“If it wasn’t based on a true story, and if it didn’t star Zac Efron, “The Greatest Beer Run Ever” might not work as a movie. But it is based on truth, and Efron is the leading man, so the film comes together nicely but not without flaws.”

Wow. That’s exactly the kind of gullibility that allows Efron’s character to earnestly defend US involvement in the Vietnam War. This movie depicts at least one steadily ongoing physical impossibility, but it’s “based on truth,” and goo ol’ Zac Efron wouldn’t lie to us, now would he? (the phrase “based on truth” should only be used to refer to this movie ironically, kind of like when Marc Antony calls Brutus and his co-conspirators “honorable men”). Moreover, as Owen Gleiberman wrote in Variety, “Chickie Donahue really did head over to Vietnam in a Merchant Marine ship, landing in Saigon, and attempt to go in country with a bag full of beer. But that doesn’t mean what happened to him is compelling”.

“The Greatest Beer Run Ever” seems to operate on the same kind of math with regards to beers in the bag as action movies do with how many bullets are in a clip. As many as the plot needs.

Now the gullibility turns into cognitive dissonance. So, you’re aware that the film plays fast and loose with reality, but you still buy that the rest of it is a “true story.” What makes you think the filmmakers’ fibbing stopped there? If anything, that’s more than likely just the tip of the bullshit iceberg.

When Chickie finally gets home, he … understands the phrase “War Is Hell.” The delivery boy saw it firsthand.

Now if only every other warmongering prick could undertake the same implausible journey, the world would be such a better place to live.

Discussing Vietnam was complicated in 1967. And it’s complicated in 2022.

So complicated indeed that this movie never really gets around to actually discussing it.

THE GREATEST BEER RUN EVER THE GREATEST BEER RUN EVER is based on the true story of one man's journey from New York City to the heart of the…www.movieguide.org

This review is noteworthy because the parameters according to which it assesses the movie are firmly entrenched in Cold War paranoia. The reviewer takes exception to the hero’s epiphany, not because it’s heavy-handed and predictable, but rather because they believe, like the protagonist does early on in the film, that “the liberal press[‘s]” coverage of the Vietnam war was in fact purposefully pessimistic. The review then goes on a long tirade, rationalizing “the American presence in Southeast Asia” and railing against “communist tyrants” and “the feckless foreign policy of liberals.” Weird, weird stuff.

The Greatest Beer Run Ever Review - But Why Tho? The Greatest Beer Run Ever is an Apple TV+ Original movie directed by Peter Farrelly based on the true story of Chickie…butwhytho.net

“ … the humor is more subtle than perhaps you’d expect from a movie with such a ridiculous conceit, so, it’s hard to call it a true comedy.”

More than subtle, the humor is all but subliminal. This comedy is so thin it’s almost homeopathic.

The Greatest Beer Run Ever Review: A Frothy Skim Over Vietnam Zac Efron and Russell Crowe star in a paltry brew of a Vietnam comedy that expects a pat on the back for effort.thespool.net

A neat breakdown of what’s wrong with the film, including a pertinent reminder that, to quote Thom Andersen, “silly geography makes for silly movies.”

The Greatest Beer Run Ever Review With an awful accent strapped to a fake moustache, Zac Efron once again tries to convince audiences he can partake in…cultfollowing.co.uk

“With an awful accent strapped to a fake moustache, Zac Efron once again tries to convince audiences he can partake in serious roles.”

And, once again, he fails miserably.

The Greatest Beer Run Ever - A Light-Hearted War Film War films have a penchant for making audiences feel bad, which they should, through gore and showcasing of brutal…keithlovesmovies.com

“The Greatest Beer Run Ever is generic, but that is not something that should be held against it as it achieves what it set out to achieve.”

A comedy-drama that’s both unfunny and overly melodramatic can hardly be said to have achieved what it set out to achieve.

“A much gentler tone, coupled with light-hearted humor and the protagonist’s innocence, makes the film a crowd-pleaser. It works like a charm, while also devastating bit by bit. It’s not a feel-good film…”

So, it’s not a feel-good movie, yet somehow a crowd-pleaser? How is that possible. But this review does unwittingly make a good point; the film tries to be two disparate things and the result is neither here nor there.

The Greatest Beer Run Ever - Green Book II: Electric Boogaloo The Greatest Beer Run Ever review - Green Book II: Electric Boogaloo Little White Lies was established in 2005 as a…lwlies.com

“ … it’s fun to imagine the interview process by which the craft departments were hired: “You seen Full Metal Jacket?” “Yeah, like, in high school.” “You’ve got the job!””

“What could have possibly given Farrelly the confidence to think he could direct a battle scene when he can’t even direct traffic?”

“The film succeeds, at least, in making you feel like you’ve listened to a two-hour ’Nam story from a guy who visited there once.”

The Greatest Beer Run Ever - Peter Farrelly | In Review Online Well, after showing us that we can all just get along after all, and winning Best Picture for it, in Green Book, former…inreviewonline.com

“Efron acquits himself well enough … it’s not a bad performance, but it’s certainly a monotonous one.”

But then, what else could you expect from a monotonous actor?

Movie Review : The Greatest Beer Run Ever (2022) - Dead End Follies I'm a fan of bad ideas. Both on a personal and theoretical level. When devoid of catastrophic consequences, bad ideas…www.deadendfollies.com

“The Greatest Beer Run Ever tells perhaps the story of the worst idea anyone’s ever had.”

The second-worst idea being, of course, making a movie about it.

“This movie is what you’d call a dramatic comedy. A funny film that explores serious ideas.”

I’m confused. If a dramatic comedy is “a funny film that explores serious ideas,” why would you call this movie that, when it is in fact quite the opposite?

“One of the funniest things in The Greatest Beer Run Ever is that Chickie travels halfway across the world to a fucking war zone to deliver a product that is already widely available over there.”

Stupidity is never funny, especially when you can see it coming a mile away.

“I had more laugh out loud moment watching this movie than I had consuming any other piece of media this entire calendar year.”

Now I’m really confused. If you found this film amusing, you can’t really be that picky; furthermore, if you liked this movie, you clearly have no judgment whatsoever.

“The Greatest Beer Run Ever is an ambitious movie made on a shoestring budget.”

The real problem is not lack of funds, but rather a total moral and intellectual bankruptcy.

The Greatest Beer Run Ever Is a Pretty Likeable Movie, and That's a Huge Problem: Review The Pitch: Peter Farrelly is back with his first film since Green Book , a biopic about an average white guy from New…consequence.net

“The Greatest Beer Run Ever is a film about why the Vietnam War was bad … if you somehow didn’t get the memo in the last 50 years, Peter Farrelly’s movie was apparently made just for you. It really seems to think the audience needs their hand held through that conversation. It’s bizarre.”

“ … a song which scores a despicable war crime can return in a tender reunion scene later, with seemingly no meaningful connection between those two events.”

Review: 'The Greatest Beer Run Ever' recounts war story that's stranger than fiction For his follow-up feature to his Oscar-winning 2018 film "Green Book," director Peter Farrelly (known mostly for his…www.lowellsun.com

““The Greatest Beer Run Ever” isn’t your typical Vietnam film.”

It’s not really a Vietnam film at all; it was shot in Thailand, its handful of Vietnamese characters are little more than props, and the War itself a mere afterthought.

“While it may seem like he’s having a Forrest Gump adventure, when it comes to these facts, at least, there’s no creative license taken.”

Yeah, right.

Peter Farrelly's 'The Greatest Beer Run Ever' Carries Emotion, Vigor, and an Age-Old Message … Photo: 'The Greatest Beer Run Ever' Things to do: Subscribe to The Hollywood Insider's YouTube Channel, by clicking…www.hollywoodinsider.com

“While this will not be the film that wins [Efron] an Oscar, I believe that this film is evident [sic] that he is talented enough to win one. He just needs the right movie.”

The “right movie” presumably being a mockumentary wherein a fictionalized version of Zac Efron wins the Oscar.

“The message of this film elevates it to a level of importance that many films do not reach.”

Then again, the words ‘War is Bad’ flashing across the screen non-stop over a span of two hours would have achieved pretty much the same effect.

The Greatest Beer Run Ever's Adaptation Is a Half-Hearted Trip to the Convenience Store Political writers are broadly recognized for having the absolute worst movie takes, but, in a minor stroke of irony…www.pastemagazine.com

“Who among us wouldn’t want to be represented on screen by Efron?”

Not me, that’s fo sho.

REVIEW: "The Greatest Beer Run Ever" (2022) After four years, director Peter Farrelly returns to the big screen for the first time since winning the Best Picture…keithandthemovies.com

“Chickie’s biggest reality checks comes [sic] through his unexpected face-to-faces with war itself. Such as when he dupes his way to the front-line to see his buddy Duggan.”

Uh, he’s going to Viet-fucking-Nam! How could his “face-to-faces with war itself” possibly be “unexpected”? Also, he calls a night spent in a trench “not so bad;” not that big of a reality check, if you ask me.

Review: THE GREATEST BEER RUN EVER, A Lesson in Timeliness Wait, war may not be good? Who knew? And why didn't anyone tell me? The Greatest Beer Run Ever The film will start…screenanarchy.com

“Inspired by an allegedly true story, Zac Efron stars as Chickie Donahue, lightly regarded in his native New York neighborhood as a friendly and likable guy whom no one takes seriously.”

The first time I read that I thought it said “lightly retarded.” I wish it did, though, because it would describe the movie and its hero to a fucking T.

#the greatest beer run ever #movie review #movie reviews

[absolutebl]

This Week in BL

March 2021 Part 4

Being a highly subjective assessment of one tiny corner of the interwebs. 

This is a LONG ONE, it’s been A WEEK everyone. 

Ongoing Series - Thai

Lovely Writer Ep 5 - a little slow this week, but at least Gene finally flirted back, and very cute flirting it was, too. Also we got Aey’s motivation, background, and love interest. Thank goodness for that. 

Brothers Ep 8 - still pants, what can I say? Clearly I am a BL masochist. Very embarrassing for everyone concerned. 

1000 Stars Ep 9 - the conflict over Tian’s father was REALLY well done. The plot of this drama is excellent, the leads are great together, and yes I totally cried. What, you didn’t? 

Ongoing Series - Not Thai

Word of Honor (China) Ep 16-18 - big battle fighty fighty stabby stabby. Ep 17 switches to “this drama isn’t big enough for two chaotic-neutral godlings!” So what do they do? Drink together and bicker... A LOT. Then in Ep 18 we all get the dubious joy of really freaky puppets. (I HATE puppets.) Also how is China letting this be so SO VERY VERY GAY?  Also, I wanna walk through the forest wearing a smanshy purple robe and waving a big fuck-off white fan around simply because I’m a pretentious fuss monger. And frankly, I feel like this is an achievable life goal for me. 

We Best Love 2 (Taiwan) Ep 4 - not gonna lie, this is looking to be one of my top 3 BLs of 2021. It’s SO GOOD. Big bonus to this ep for treating stalker behavior like the mental illness it is and not as some dumb representation of enduring love. 

The Most Peaceful Place is My Place (Vietnam) Ep 1 - finally dropped (find it under NƠI BÌNH YÊN NHẤT LÀ VỀ BÊN EM on O2′s channel). It’s got actors already comfortable with BL and looks pretty good so far. An angry tsundere uke reunited with his ex, a stoic chef, giving us lots of snap, crackle, and pop out the gate. 

Dear Uranus (Taiwan GL) Ep 2 - I want to love it, but it is just moving too fast. There’s not enough character dev and then they’re throwing flashbacks in? It feels like a treatment rather than a show, and a rushed treatment at that. Bummer. 

HIStory 4: Close To You (Taiwan) Ep 2 (AKA Ep 3-4) - let the cheesy popcorn continue! Idiot remains an idiot; ingenue remains an ice queen; nice gay guy remains nice and gay; obsessive stalker brother is getting ever more whackadoddle. Of course these last two have the best chemistry. (It’s caregiver codependency and the salvation trope. We got us a Leo/Fiat situation going on.​) Plus lots of classic BL tropes because OF COURSE there are lots of tropes. 

Occasionally, I am tempted to argue that shows like H4 or Cherry Magic or Ossan’s Love aren’t technically BL because of the office setting and age of the protags - but then they all behave like high school students anyway, so *shrug* 

Stand Alones

Cute little Taiwanese micro BL Friend or Lover dropped, about bisexual realization within a friendship group. Normally these are too short for me, but this one did pretty good with its 15 minutes of charm, plus it’s abad boy + shy softy pairing. 

Breaking News - Thai BL

Fish Upon the Sky released its actual trailer. The upside-down kiss is gone, which makes everyone sad, and it seems far less rivals to lovers than the first iteration, which makes ME sad. But it still looks good and a more classic BL than GMMTV has given us in a while. New trailer focused more on the makeover trope and they’ve upped Mix’s role (the object of everyone’s affection) now that he’s proved himself. (Or they are using him more to carry the trailer since he has a fan base form 1k*). Starts April 9 on GMMTV in 1K*’s time slot, probably with a 10 ep run. 

2gether the movie is apparently coming April 22 to Thai theaters. F4 Thailand must be having issues or GMMTV just wants to milk the BrightWin cash cow. It’s rumored to be a combination of 2gehter + Still 2gether with some extra scenes and ending. Also, one assumes a lot will be cut out, if it’s movie length.

Call It What You Want released its updated trailer. If anything, it looks more scary than before. What are we in for? April 9th. 

Nitiman got a release date, May 7 on One31. 

I Told Sunset About You 2 got an updated release date of May 27 on LineTV. 

Second Chance the series is coming to LineTV on March 29. I don’t know much about this one. Tons of familiar faces (mostly TharnType side dishes) and some nice looking new talent but a dearth of eng subs. I think it may take on Brothers’ time slot. Line did eng subs for Brothers so maybe they will do 2nd Chance too? 

Close Friend the series is coming April 22. This is a combination of 6 couples with 6 story arcs as music videos (maybe)? It’s an epic fan service with familiar faces like OhmFluke (UWMA), MaxNat (LBC also in Y-Destiny), YoonLay (YYY also in Y-Destiny), KimCop (GenY), and JaFirst (TT2).

Y-Destiny starts March 30, and has starting dropping couple’s trailers. I’m still suspicious given the director but it seems like there is plot (or plots) and a theme. Looks to be a series of 7 single ep vignettes (amended, see comments, might be 2 eps each for 14 eps total), different couple each time, some with supernatural elements, all with decent chemistry and acting chops. 

Sun MaxNat’s tutor/student arc

Mon jaded rich kid meets poor innocent  

Tues sports romance enemies to lovers 

Weds the messy realistic actual dating one 

Thurs hot ghost boyfriend (sad) 

Fri YoonLayPerth coping with loss and finding new love (sad). This one will all rest on Lay's acting so we know it’s in safe hands. Our boy is going to KILL it. 

Sat time-slip memory loss reunion romance 

I’m thinking we can’t expect any of these to end happy or be classic BL. They’re gonna be more slice of life-ish. 

Gossip - BL Outside of Thailand 

Scholar Ryu’s Wedding Ceremony AKA Nobleman Ryu’s Wedding (Korean historical BL) got a legit teaser (eng sub here). @curriculumvtae​ reports that it’s releasing April 15th on WeTV (Philippines & Thailand) and Idol Romance (South Korea), while Will of Thai Bl says it’ll be on Viki too. It’s a short run of 8 ep built on a fake relationship trope (arranged marriage variant):

Ryu Ho Seon’s (Kang In Soo from You Wish) arranged marriage turns out to be with his expected bride’s brother, Choi Ki Wan (Lee Se Jin from Mr Heart). Ryu tries to undo the marriage, but his ill mother opposes this saying the scandal would be too much. Meanwhile, Kim Tae Hyeong (Jang Eui Soo from Where Your Eyes Linger), a senior at Ryu’s school, comes to congratulate him and falls in love with Choi. Then one day, the original bride disappears.

Okay it seems a bit twisty turny for ONLY 8 EPS, but oh my goodness how excited are we? Our first intentional historical BL out of Korea!

We already knew Hong Kong was doing a remake of Japan’s Ossan’s Love under the same name (not my favorite Japanese BL but so very popular) but it’s now reported to be coming to Viu in June. Who knows how the CFA will take it. Depends on whether Hong Kong bows before the NO GAY KISSES regs or if they are going to use this as a political nose thumb... things could get cray with this puppy (the original has several kisses and s shower scene). Are we back in Addicted territory only with added comedy and civil unrest?

Speaking of Japan, Absolute BL (AKA Zettai BL ni Naru Sekai vs Zettai BL ni Naritakunai Otoko) dropped sooner than anyone thought, March 27. But being Japanese who knows how/when/if we get subs. Protag finds himself trapped in a world of BL, but being straight he fights against any hot guy that draws near, but the whole world (literally) is conspiring against him. It’s a parody adapted from a yoai.

What with Absolute BL from Japan plus Lovely Writer and Call it What You Want from Thailand, is 2021 the year of BL being ultra self referential? Sure feels like it.

In Case You Missed It

Faded a gay micro film from Taiwan from 2017 deals with parental acceptance and serves up a ton of BL tropes (piggyback, forehead kiss, etc). I’m pretty sure this was a propaganda piece for legalization of gay marriage, and it’s an interesting nugget of BL history as a result. Yes, it ends happy. It’s cute. 

Next Week Looks Like This:

Some shows may be listed a day later than actual air date for accessibility reasons.

Upcoming 2021 BL master post here.

Links to watch are provided when possible, ask in a comment if I missed something.

Man there’s a lot going on right now! Spring has sprung... I suppose. 

P.S. I cannot believe I missed Absolute BL as a blog name. Numbnuts = me. 

#asian bl #asianbl #thai bl #thaibl #brothers the series #lovely writer #1000 stars #a tale of thousand stars #We Best Love: Fighting Mr.2nd #taiwanese bl #taiwan drama #history 4: close to you #dear uranus #taiwanese GL #asian gl #second chance the series #2gether the movie #y-destiny #friend or lover #Fish Upon The Sky #Call It What You Want #close friend the series #i told the sunset about you 2 #faded short #oassan's love #japanese bl #absolute bl #Nobleman Ryu’s Wedding #korean bl #nitiman

[365days365movies]

April 12, 2021: Mrs. Doubtfire (1992) (Recap)

Hey, Robin Williams. Been a while.

I’m sorry that I haven’t watched your movies for a while, and that I always skip your comedy stand-up when my phone’s on shuffle. I just...let me explain. Since I was a kid, you were one of my favorite entertainers. That might as well have started the day I was born, because...well, we share a birthday, fun fact. But it definitely continued with the first movie I ever saw in theatres.

While I don’t quite remember the first time I saw it, Aladdin was one of my favorite childhood movies, and I knew that you were the voice of the Genie from an early age. You might have actually been the first actor I ever knew by name. Which makes sense, because your stardom during the ‘90s was nearly unparalleled.

The next film I remember seeing (and hearing) you in was Ferngully: The Last Rainforest. That also starred Tim Curry, who would also be a major figure of my childhood. It also wasn’t the best movie, in hindsight, but it is the only time I’ve heard you rap since.

But eventually, I watched your forays into live-action, too. Jumanji, Hook, even the objectively bad Flubber, are all movies that I vividly remember watching during childhood. I was really excited for Flubber, even, and I LOVED Jumanji growing up. I liked Hook, too, but I appreciated that more as I got older.

Of course, during this time period, you also made less family-friendly films. The Fisher King, Good Will Hunting, Dead Poets Society, Good Morning Vietnam, and What Dreams May Come were all very successful, and cemented your reputation as an actor. I also haven’t seen any of them. In fact...I don’t think I’ve seen any of your dramatic roles, and that’s something that I’ll fix this year. Hell, in a few days, I’ll watch The Birdcage, another of your big hits of the ‘90s.

But why haven’t I seen them up to now? Well...I was going to watch these films, about seven years ago. But...I haven’t been able to bring myself to do it. Because it hurts. A lot.

I know that this is a downer, but my relationship with Robin Williams today is tainted by his tragic death. I was fucking BROKEN when his death was announced, and I really haven’t been able to watch him since. I’ve seen Aladdin recently, but that’s about all I could stand to watch. I mean, the guy shares a birthday with me! I’ve always loved his comedy stylings, and his improvisational skills are something I’ve internalized to a certain degree.

So, yeah. This one’s tough. But, it’s about time I moved on, and celebrated the man’s career for what it was: stellar. And that also brings up an important question, that some of you have probably asked by now:

HOW HAVE I MISSED MRS. DOUBTFIRE, WHAT THE FUCK

I KNOW I KNOW OK?

Look, I’m not entirely sure how I haven’t seen this movie, because I’m MORE than aware of it! I remember it airing during the ‘90s, my Dad AND girlfriend love this movie, and I know FOR A FACT that my family owned both the DVD AND THE VHS of this movie! So, how? HOW HAVE I NOT SEEN IT BY NOW?

I honestly have no idea, but let’s fix it now, huh? Yet one more man-dresses-as-woman movie this month! And no, I am not watching White Chicks...because I’ve already seen White Chicks. Also, it’s...problematic.

SPOILERS AHEAD!!!

 Recap

Daniel Hillard (Robin Williams) is a voice-actor, and a good one. Which, given that it’s Robin Williams, isn’t entirely inaccurate. He’s also a voice actor with a spine, as he morally objects to a scene in the cartoon that he’s performing for, in which the main character smokes. By the way, I’m 99% sure that this cartoon is animated by Chuck Jones, and it looks well-made.

Anyway, this leads to him quitting the cartoon altogether, and allows him to pick up his kids early from school. These kids are Lydia (Lisa Hykub), Chris (Matthew Lawrence), and Natalie (Mara Wilson), and it’s Chris’ 12th birthday. Daniel arranges a...surprisingly large party, given that it’s completely impromptu, and it comes with a petting zoo and complete trappings. However, it’s not a party of which his wife will approve.

This wife is Miranda (Sally Field), a successful architect and the breadwinner of the family. After getting a call from the neighbor about the party, she comes home and busts the outrageous party. And for the record, I’m entirely on Miranda’s side here. This party is INSANE, and very irresponsible, given the fact that Daniel currently has no job. And yeah, he’s a very loving father, and a good person, but...it’s too much.

Miranda feels the same, and after 14 years of frustration, she realizes that she no longer loves Daniel. In a genuinely sad scene, she tells him that she wants a divorce. And she goes through with it MUCH to Daniel’s detriment. He has no home, as he’s staying with his brother, Frank (Harvey Fierstein) and his partner Jack (Scott Capurro). He also still has no job, meaning that he has no way to provide for his children. This means that he has no ability to provide, and the judge awards Miranda full custody. Oof.

However, this is a conditional arrangement, as another hearing for joint custody will be held in 3 months, and if Daniel can get a home and job in that time, he has a chance. He performs a litany of voices and impressions with his court liason, Mrs. Sellner (Anne Haney), which amuses me, but not her, and he gets a job in order to be with his kids for more than one day a week.

Meanwhile, Miranda IMMEDIATELY starts dating fellow designer and old flame Stuart Dunmeyer (Pierce Brosnan), like, almost before Daniel leaves the house. He bids a heartfelt goodbye to his kids, with the promise that he’ll see them on Saturdays. And now begins the absolute hatred and petty bitchiness of Daniel and Miranda! Seriously, it’s...it’s fucking terrible, and it takes away from my sympathy from either side. I get that divorce is rough and ugly, but GODDAMN, neither of them perform the act with any form of tact or grace.

This is put on display during the kids’ visitation to Daniel’s semi-crappy new apartment, which doesn’t even seem that bad, to be honest. Miranda dropped them off late and picked them up early, as if to slowly starve Daniel of time with his kids, which is extraordinarily shitty of her, fuck me. Daniel’s not taking it well, understandably, but then does something...really dumb, when you think about it.

See, Miranda’s looking for a nanny, to help watch the kids and clean the house during the week. Daniel volunteers his services, which is actually a good idea, but Miranda says she’ll think about it, which we ALL know means no. I DO NOT like Miranda, even if I understand the initial reasons for the divorce. She’s being especially spiteful, and it’s not a good look.

Daniel’s stupid idea, though, is to change the phone number on the ad for the nanny, which Miranda shows him before she takes the kids. Instead, he calls her number, and pretends to be various terrible applicants, until finally supplying his own applicant: the completely fictional Euphegenia Doubtfire (Daniel Hillard).

Daniel plays Mrs. Doubtfire as an elderly British woman, and a seasoned nanny in her day. Which is why it’s weird to me that, when he does to Frank and Jack to help him make an elaborate disguise as Mrs. Doubtfire, that they go through various other impressions and get-ups. Which, yes, is goddamn hilarious, but also makes NO SENSE, given that they’ve already established her character to Miranda. Funny, but nonsensical.

But, regardless, Euphegenis Doubtfire comes into being, and introduces herself to Miranda and the kids. Mrs. Doubtfire is exactly what Miranda’s looking for, although the kids aren’t exactly overjoyed, ESPECIALLY the oldest, Lydia. Also, during this first meeting, Miranda openly bad-mouths Daniel in front of the kids, in just the WORST fuckin’ way. I genuinely dislike Miranda A LOT. Again, the divorce was certainly justified, but I REALLY don’t like her. Daniel loves his kids, and they’re HIS kids, TOO. Stop using them as weapons against him, OOOOOOOOOOOH I DON’T LIKE MIRANDA

Anyway, that evening, after she’s officially been hired by Miranda, Mrs. Doubtfire heads home, only to find court liason Mrs. Sellner waiting to speak with Daniel. After a litany of puns, and a humorous changing scene, Daniel accidentally throws the Mrs. Doubtfire mask out of the window, and is forced to improvise through equally humorous circumstances. Hence, the above meringue mask scene. Has anybody tried that, by the way? Could that work as a groundbreaking beauty technique? Or would the sugar just feed the skin bacteria and give you acne? Genuinely curious.

Now going between his job as Daniel and the nanny job as Doubtfire, Daniel’s not doing too badly for himself. The nanny job begins, and Mrs. Doubtfire IMMEDIATELY contrasts with Daniel, creating a disciplinarian atmosphere in place of Daniel’s formerly loosey-goosey attitude. Which is interesting, and it works! I mean, it’s not how I would parent, but it does work. Doubtfire makes the kids to their homework, rather than watch TV, and then attempts to make dinner. Instead, though, the dinner’s ruined, and Daniel orders takeout and makes it LOOK like homemade food. And it looks good, too! Daniel’s full of hidden talents.

After dinner, as Mrs. Doubtfire’s leaving, Lydia apologizes for backtalking her earlier, and thanks her for making her mom happy with everything she did that evening. he also says that she’s still a bit messed up about her dad being gone. And yeah, it’s sweet-but-sad. 

Going forward (and in a montage set to Aerosmith’s Dude Looks Like a Lady), Mrs. Doubtfire takes care of the family, and Daniel even betters himself to become a better Mrs. Doubtfire. Which...to be honest, Daniel REALLY should’ve done this before. I get that he needed the pressure of losing the kids to do this, but...look, Daniel really wasn’t that responsible of a parent, and the fact that THIS is how he learns to be so is...not great. Like, here’s an example, OK: take Donald Trump.

Yeah, I know, what’s this politics doing in my peanut butter? And WOW, that reference is older than me, but anyway. Let’s say that, in two years, a new politician comes on the scene, and her name is Karyn Walldottir. She has somewhat centrist views, and behaves in a way that’s inclusive to the majority, and backs up her claims and promises with evidence (at least true enough for us to suspend our disbelief). This is, of course, Donald Trump disguised as a woman in order to gain custody of the United States of America again. Naturally.

Karyn Walldottir gets elected in 2024, and all of her policies are markedly different from Trump’s and Biden’s, but leaning closer to Biden in progressive standpoints (assuming that that worked for him come 2024). While Trump is doing this specifically to be president again, he ends up revising his personal policies, and being a better person and president for the country. A literal impossibility, I know. But suspend your disbelief to ask this question:

WHY THE FUCK WOULDN’T HE DO THAT IN THE FIRST PLACE? IT MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE!

OK, now that that dumbass (and mildly horrifying) thought process is concluded, let’s get back to Mrs. Doubtfire. In the process of Mrs. Doubtfire’s ingratiation with the family, Miranda’s been dating Stu, whom Mrs. Doubtfire subtly insults when they meet. And yeah, Daniel’s being a little petty here, but it makes a bit of sense at least.

That night, after an accidental intrusion by Chris when Mrs. Doubtfire is going to the bathroom, Daniel’s basically forced to tell Chris and Lydia his little secret, which Lydia’s happy about, but Chris is understandably weirded out about. But, they agree to keep the secret from their mom and younger sister.

At his OTHER job, delivering film reels from a TV station, he witnesses the filming of an extremely boring kids educational TV show, and comments as such to another man watching. As he quickly learns, this is the owner of the station, Jonathan Lundy (Robert Prosky), on whom Daniel makes a good impression.

In the meantime, Mrs. Doubtfire has a talk with Miranda about their love lives, real and fictional. Daniel realizes how badly Miranda had been suffering in their marriage, which she never told him because...well, he never seemed to take anything seriously. Which is entirely fair...but this is why Miranda’s a tricky-ass character. She’s got two sides: there’s the justified caring mother and strong woman, and there’s the PETTY ASSHOLE who genuinely doesn’t care about Daniel or his feelings AT ALL. Jesus.

And Stu...look, Stu is LITERALLY a Gary Stu, who’s mostly perfect. Sure, he’s not always been that way, but he definitely is now! He’s responsible, wealthy, in love with Miranda AND her kids. And yeah, at a country club that he’s a member of (OF COURSE he is), he privately badmouth Daniel in front of Mrs. Doubtfire, calling him a loser, and...yeah, he’s not really unjustified in that statement. Fact of the matter is, Stu is barely even a plot device.

Meanwhile, in Daniel’s day job, he finds himself alone in the studio, where the toy dinosaurs from the TV show are still sitting on the table. He plays with them, gives them voices, sings some songs, and impresses Mr. Lundy, who’s there in the shadows after all that. He’s impressed, and invites Daniel to dinner to talk about a potential future show at the network.

But then, it’s also Miranda’s birthday coming up, and Stu’s holding a dinner for her, to which Mrs. Doubtfire is invited. Trouble is, it’s at the OH FUCK IT. YOU know what this is. It’s at the same time and place as the Mr. Lund meeting yaddayaddayadda LOOK. We ALL know how this is going to end. It’s the GODDAMN LIAR REVEALED TROPE AGAIN. And here’s the thing:

I FUGGIN’ HAAAAAATE THE LIAR REVEALED TROPE

You know, that thing in movies (especially family movies of the ‘90s) where somebody starts off a situation with a lie, they get deeper and deeper into that lie, grow close to people under false pretenses, and then OH NO! THE LIAR IS REVEALED! And everybody’s angry and/or sad, the liar slumps off, defeated and broken, but then realizes the error of his ways, while everybody else realizes the same thing, and he comes back to vindicate himself, and is welcomed back with open arms. And it introduces unneeded tension AND I HAVE ALWAYS FUCKING HATED IT.

Let’s list the examples, shall we? A Bug’s Life, Aladdin, Mulan, The Road to El Dorado, Chicken Run, How to Train Your Dragon, Klaus, Madagascar 3: Europe’s Most Wanted, Megamind (SUBVERSIVE MY ASS), Over the Hedge, Rango, Toy Story, Steven Universe (the whole Pearl/Sardonyx arc, which went on for WAY too long), the list goes on and fucking on. And I GODDAMN HATE IT. Not to say it can’t be done well. Disney actually usually does a pretty good job with it, and Dreamworks uses it A LOT, but almost always pretty well. But sometimes...GOD. Either way, it’s still used FAR too fucking much. And look. Here’s another one. Joy.

Look, at this point...I will freely admit that I'm biased against this trope, but it’s also obvious where this is headed. Basically, Daniel switches back and forth between the dinner with the family, and the dinner with Mr. Lundy. With Mr. Lundy, he gets absolutely SMASHED. Great. Great decision, Daniel.

So, yeah, Mrs. Doubtfire’s also smashed, which is pretty goddamn apparent to them all. At this point, I’m wondering why Daniel, as Mrs. Doubtfire, didn’t just say she was sick as hell, and had to go home. Or, considering the fact that Daniel proposes her as a show idea regardless, the switch wasn’t even necessary! And that means that none of what’s about to happen, happens. Or, here’s a crazy thought, maybe Daniel shouldn’t have POISONED STU’S FOOD WITH CAYENNE PEPPER THAT HE’S ALLERGIC TO! 

YEAH! Because that causes Stu to go into anaphylactic shock for a hot sec, causing him to choke. Mrs. Doubtfire does the right thing and gives him the Heimlich maneuver, and in the process, SURPRISE! IT’S BEEN DANIEL ALL ALONG! BUH BUH BUHHHHH DA DA DA DAAAAA DA

Yeah, so Miranda is understandably ENRAGED by this revelation, and it’s all over. Daniel represents himself in court at the custody hearing, but the judge deems his “lifestyle” dangerous for children. Which...yikes, Judge, that statement didn’t age well AT FUCKING ALL. But, given Daniel’s admitted stupidity with this whole idea, he’s not wrong about the dangerous part. But, I have to say, Daniel’s speech in his own defense is nice...although he also says he’s addicted to his children, so let’s throw a second yikes on there for good measure.

The speech moves Miranda...but not enough to prevent Daniel has his custody stripped away from him! GOD THEY BOTH SUUUUUUUUCK. Daniel’s a broken man, and Miranda and the kids are similarly broken without him and Mrs. Doubtfire. However...Daniel’s career isn’t broken AT ALL, as Mrs. Doubtfire is now a kid’s show host! Yeah! And she’s a hit! And again, it brings me to wonder why Daniel DIDN’T APPLY HIS OBVIOUS TALENTS LIKE THIS IN THE FIRST GODDAMN PLACE

Realizing that she made a mistake, she goes to the set during the filming of a show. She congratulates him on the show, and he replies by stating how broken he is now! Thanks, Miranda! Well, after an argument, and after Miranda sees how badly she’s messed up someone she used to care for, they come to an agreement: joint custody. FINALLY GODDAMN IT

And good, because I don’t want them back together. I have to give this film props for that: they acknowledge that these two are NOT good for each other, and they deliver a message in the end: families are families, no matter how they’re shaped. One mom, one dad, uncle or aunt, grandparents, adoption, two separated or divorced parents...oh, also, two dads or two moms. Yeah, that isn’t said in Mrs. Doubtfire’s final monologue, which is odd considering Daniel’s brother and his life partner...but it’s also kid’s TV in the ‘90s, so I guess that sadly makes sense. And with that, and their new family arrangement, Daniel takes his kids on an afternoon out, as himself.

...Look. That’s Mrs. Doubtfire, yaddayaddayadda LOOK. I don’t dislike this movie. In fact, here: have this mini-Review:

Cast and Acting - 9/10: Good, although Brosnan was a little stiff.

Plot and Writing - 5/10: It’s an idiot plot, what can I say? It’s actually based off of a book, which was a surprise to me, but it was adapted by Randi Mayem Singer and Leslie Dixon, and...eh. Still an idiot plot.

Directing and Cinematography - 8/10: It’s Chris Columbus, you get what you get. Definitely has that Home Alone flair to it.

Production and Art Design - 8/10: I mean, yeah, the Doubtfire disguise was good most of the time, but...I dunno, I could still tell it was Robin. But, still, it was good. Took 4 hours of makeup, fun fact.

Music and Editing - 8/10: Music by Howard Shore (ooh, Howard Shore!) was pretty nice, especially the ending theme. Editing by Raja Gosnell was...RAJA GOSNELL???

OH GOD. Yeah, OK, I see what happened here. Also, I didn’t know he was an editor! I just know him as the director of the Scooby-Doo films, Beverly Hills Chihuahua, The Smurfs films, Big Momma’s...

...OK, no, I am not doing Big Momma’s House OR the Madea movies. THE TROPE-BUCK STOPS HERE! I am moving on to something else! But, of course, I have to sum this up in a Review. See you there!

#mrs. doubtfire #mrs doubtfire #chris columbus #robin williams #sally field #pierce brosnan #harvey fierstein #robert prosky #mara wilson #comedy april #user365 #365days365movies #365 movie challenge #365 movies 365 days #365 Days 365 Movies #365 movies a year #moviegifs

[quasithinking]

Gravity’s Rainbow: Part VIII

This book has so many sections that I'm going to have to contact my twelve year old self for help with the Roman numerals. I would do it via time phone over time machine because that kid smelled bad. This section begins confusingly from the point of view of a dog and ends hilariously with Pointsman's foot stuck in a toilet and hanging out the side of the car as they drive away. It's a good thing history books exist because if I had to judge World War II by Catch-22, Gravity's Rainbow, and Slaughterhouse-Five, I'd have to assume the war was 85% soldiers slipping on banana peels and depraved sex acts. I wonder if I should apologize to Vonnegut for remembering Slaughterhouse-Five as more Three Stooges than it probably was? It's been awhile but he's the guy who invented Kilgore Trout, interrupted his own book while talking about Vietnam to simply say, "Losers," taught me that an asterisk looked like a butthole, and concluded the whole point of evolution was to create beings that laugh at their own farts. I'm pretty sure I got all of that right. Roger Mexico and Jessica Swanlake have finally found Doctor Pointsman in a wrecked part of London. Pointsman is hunting for dogs to use in his experiments. He's a Pavlovian and his research on stimulus will somehow help the war effort. I'm not sure how it's supposed to but eventually he takes an interest in Slothrop and the mystery of Slothrop's hard-ons. At that point, I stopped wondering how experimenting with Pavlovian stimuli was supposed to help defeat the Germans. Pavlovian experimentation looms large on the themes of this book but I haven't yet grasped why they're part of The White Visitation's experiments. I suppose that should be the least of my worries when The White Visitation is also dealing with telekinesis and clairvoyance and talking with the dead and promoting racial strife and there's also some guy who can change his skin color or something? Anyway, this whole section is called "Beyond the Zero" which, and I know I'm getting ahead of the story here, has something to do with removing the reaction to the stimulus from the patient. See, if you train a baby to get a hard-on from an indirect stimulus, as a medical professional, you're supposed to also untrain the baby. So you have to get it to stop getting hard-ons from the indirect stimulus. But when you do that, you can't stop at the baby just not getting a hard-on. That's the zero point. But just because he doesn't get a hard-on doesn't mean the stimulus isn't still affecting him somehow, you know, to just to the point where it's about to get a hard-on. So removing the stimulus even further is going "beyond the zero." But why that's the title and a major theme of this chapter would take a smarter person to explain it to you. Maybe I'll figure it out by the time I get back to the section that discusses the whole "beyond the zero" part. Where was I? Oh yeah! Pointsman was hunting a dog and had just gotten his foot stuck in a toilet! If a reader hadn't noticed this book was funny in the previous forty pages due to the fact that nobody told them it was funny and Pynchon's writing can be a bit opaque, this section leaves no doubt about it. The physical comedy with the toilet bowl on the foot would be a big hit with the type of person who would never fucking read this book (and also me) but there are some other bits that really make me smile. Like this part with Jessica moaning about hunting dogs with the boys: "The night, full of fine rain, smells like a wet dog. Pointsman seems to've been away for a bit. 'I've lost my mind. I ought to be cuddling someplace with Beaver this very minute, watching him light up his Pipe, and here instead I'm with this gillie or something, this spiritualist, statistician, what are you anyway—'     "Cuddling?" Roger has a tendency to scream. "Cuddling?'" Okay, maybe that's not ha ha funny like a joke but I fucking love Roger's oversensitivity to any possible intimate interactions between Jessica and her serious boyfriend, Beaver. There's a bit of foreshadowing in this early section about Pointsman moving on from experimenting on dog's to experimenting on Slothrop. "'What will you do for a dog, then.'     They are under way again, Roger at the wheel, Jessica between them, toilet bowl out a half-open door, before the answer. 'Perhaps it's a sign. Perhaps I should be branching out.'     Roger gives him a quick look. Silence, Mexico. Try not to think about what that means. He's not one's superior after all, both report to the old Brigadier at 'The White Visitation' on, so far as he knows, equal footing. But sometimes—Roger glances again across Jessica's dark wool bosom at the knitted head, the naked nose and eyes—he thinks the doctor wants more than his good will, his collaboration. But wants him. As one wants a fine specimen of dog. . . ." I've probably already quoted too much of this section to include a somewhat confusing bit near the end but the bit seems more important than an actual description of the building where Doctor Spectro works. Pynchon describes a building built to house patients with colonic and respiratory illnesses. He describes the necessity and drive to build this building as the Victorian equivalent of what drove the people of an earlier age to build Gothic cathedrals. It feels very much like a writer describing the similarities and quite obvious differences between postmodern literature and literature from earlier centuries. What once drove mankind to write and think and ponder was almost exclusively God and religion and spirituality. But in a time when there is "a doubt as to God's actual locus (or, in some, as to its very existence)", the drive must come from another source. Pynchon's "joke" is that the new source is colonic and respiratory diseases. He says it much better (if not so mundanely): "They are approaching now a lengthy brick improvisation, a Victorian paraphrase of what once, long ago, resulted in Gothic cathedrals—but which, in its own time, arose not from any need to climb through the fashioning of suitable confusions toward any apical God, but more in a derangement of aim, a doubt as to the God's actual locus (or, in some, as to its very existence), out of a cruel network of sensuous moments that could not be transcended and so bent the intentions of the builders not on any zenith, but back to fright, to simple escape, in whatever direction, from what the industrial smoke, street excrement, windowless warrens, shrugging leather forests of drive belts, flowing and patient shadow states of the rats and flies, were saying about the chances for mercy that year. The grimed brick sprawl is known as the Hospital of St. Veronica of the True Image for Colonic and Respiratory Diseases, and one of its residents is a Dr. Kevin Spectro, neurologist and casual Pavlovian." See? It's practically a definition of postmodern writing! "Remember when we could look to an Almighty creator for hope and salvation?! But now it's like, man, that Guy can't exist, right? I mean, the fucking A-bomb, man! What the hell is going on?! How do we get out of this mess?!" Or maybe it isn't a definition of postmodern literature at all and it just speaks to me! Who can tell? Not God! Just...what a great section. Mostly because it's so comprehensible! But also funny! And charming! And a bit melancholic by the end. This is the first chapter that mentions Pointsman's mysterious "Book" with a capital "B". It was expensive and seven of the doctor's at The White Visitation had to chip in to buy it, so it makes the rounds, spending one week at a time with each different owner. Or wait. Was The Book already mentioned?! I can't remember since I'm reading this book so many times at once! Anyway, The Book is one of only seven copies (or something?) of Pavlov's notes. I'm not sure if it's ever named but one of the chapters is named later and I did a Google search back then to discover what book exactly they were discussing. I don't remember it exactly but it was Pavlov's notes and crap. More on The Book later, I'm sure!

#Thomas Pynchon #Gravity's Rainbow

[753398445a]

I think I’ll start liveblogging Harley Quinn now

Maybe before I start I should say what I want to see this season? Definitely no more Joker - I’ve never found him a particularly compelling character and don’t think there’s much more they could do with him in this without either retreading story beats they’ve already covered or giving him his own storylines. I’d like to see Clayface developed more, and wouldn’t say no to the other members of Harley’s crew doing the same. And just like everybody else I’d love to see more Jim.

The episode is called New Gotham, and I’m guessing that means its establishing the new status quo. I’d make more predictions, but I’m pretty sure the promotional material has already told us what’s going down in the first few episodes.

We’ve got No Man’s Land confirmed, though I doubt anybody didn’t see that coming - the show was telegraphing it hard (I’m 90% sure that the earthquake being an 8.6 was lifted directly from Cataclysm, even).

I’m surprised by the lack of the show doing anything overtly political with the opportunity of the president being relevant for the first time - this show’s gone out of its way to espouse politics in the past and I’m pretty sure I heard that some of the writers of this are the same ones who worked on Powerless which would make them the same ones that called Trump a supervillain that one time. I’m not complaining, just because I don’t like the guy doesn’t mean I want shots at him shoehorned into a scene that’s meant to be dramatic, I’m just surprised.

It looks like season two has the same intro as season one, and I still love it.

That moment with the severed arms was great, and in fact it seems designed to establish the show’s comedy to anybody who didn’t watch season one (which would be a weird thing to do, but maybe the writers didn’t know what format the show would be presented in when they started making it and wanted their bases covered?).

I thought she was presenting the dude as food as well, and my only feelings on the matter were surprise that they’d resorted to cannibalism so quickly and curiosity about how enthusiastic/resistant each of them had been when the idea had first come up. Also I feel like something either unpleasant or very strange is going to happen to that llama or whatever it is.

I don’t know anything about sushi, so that joke about the spider roll was lost on me. Oh, its actually been three weeks. I assumed from the fact that water was still flowing from that hydrant that things had only just gone wrong. I also don’t know what Vietnam was like after the US left, but at least I don’t need to know anything I can’t glean from context clues to get the joke in this case.

I was hoping for a scene of Harley leading some sort of Goon (and now also Hench, I guess) Uprising back in episode three, but now’s good too. I feel like its not gonna go well because if it does that map scene becomes a lot less plausible. Okay, that went surprisingly well. I feel like that wouldn’t be how broadcasts work, but I’ll admit I don’t really know for certain.

God, Freeze just made a cool entrance. That pun was unintentional, and I don’t really have anything else to say about that scene but when I paused it had just switched to a view of Gordon so at least I’m about to get more of him like I said I wanted. I also enjoyed the comedy of that scene, but didn’t really have anything to say about it either. I did guess that the silhouette would be Robin just like in episode four, but I feel like that probably isn’t notable - like I said, the show did it already.

I hope ...Takeshi? becomes a member of the crew, I think just having a regular person around when all the comic book bullshitery happened would offer a lot of comedic potential. Or actually, just a little bit of comedic potential. The more I think about this the less funny it seems, and now I don’t want him to join the crew. Also when Freeze fired his gun I expected vines to block the blast because I forgot that in comic-land people can be frozen/thawed harmlessly (which is dumb, by the way).

Cheryl is disgusting.

(That deserved to be its own paragraph) Is the music that played when Jim was shooting the same as what played on the precinct's rooftop in episode six? I think it may have been, and if so that would probably mean its like, Gordon’s theme or something. Either way I like it. Also Twoface (Two Face? Two-face?) has good taste.

Jesus that was a sad moment (also of course Cheryl would work for Bane :P). At first I thought the waiter was poorly trying to do a french accent to appease Penguin, but the inflection on 'taking back' tipped me off. Now that I know to look for it, it seems he kept his normal teeth for some reason. Did King Shark just do the hand gestures when Dr. Psycho used his power? Because if so that’s adorable but also implies a lot of unnecessary planning went into some way of coordinating that.

Harley’s having a lot of fun as a pinball. HOLY FUCK I FORGOT THAT SHE WAS GONNA BITE HIS NOSE OFF! Joshua’s probably gonna come after her in revenge - you gotta end the bloodline, Harley. More seriously, I’m surprised they killed off The Penguin because I’m used to the iconic villains having plot armor, but I guess that a lot of them have actually died already and I just forgot (in my defense Scarecrow was the only one whose death didn’t happen offscreen). I wonder if by the end of season two Harley will have offed the rest of them? The only remaining scene with any of them in it that I can remember is the one of Mr. Freeze being mistaken for Beyonce. Also I suppose Joshua might’ve been in the Legion HQ when it blew up, we know he was there in Bensonherst and it seemed like he had made himself at home.

Ivy’s “Cool” was great. I haven’t said it on this platform before but I think it was a clever decision to have her as an audience surrogate instead of having the main character fill that role. Seems like the sort of thing that wouldn’t normally work, but it certainly did here. Also yes, apparently Harley is going to kill the other villains.

And it looks like we’re going to see more Bruce Wayne this season, which I’m not opposed to. All in all a pretty good episode, the only thing I’m not satisfied with was the lack of Frank and Kite-Man (hell yeah!), I feel like the former’s absence was pretty noticeable.

#harley quinn #harley quinn the animated series #harley quinn 2019 #harley quinn spoilers #liveblog #harley quinn liveblog #tw: politics #tw: death #tw: guns #Harley Quinn Season 2 Episode 1 – New Gotham

[wonderfulworldofmichaelford]

Michael After Midnight: The Happytime Murders/Meet the Feebles

Puppets are fucking awesome. There’s really no bones about it, puppets really help make every film they’re in a little better by being the coolest practical effects out there. Labyrinth, The Dark Crystal, Little Shop of Horrors… Hell, Yoda is in the best Star Wars movie, and guess what he is? A motherfucking puppet. And don’t even get me started on the Muppets, everything they touch turns to gold. Except The Wizard of Oz. And aliens.

What I’m getting at here is it’s really hard to make a shitty movie with puppets, because there’s so much skill and detail in pulling off puppet work that it’s not something you can really half-ass, so even the dumbest movie with puppets tends to be at least moderately entertaining. Which brings us to the first of tonight’s films: The Happytime Murders. Directed by Jim Henson’s son Brian and stuck in development hell for years, this movie was set to bring the world a hard-R rated movie starring puppets, something that had been done before of course, but not by The Jim Henson Company. Unfortunately, critics and audiences were not impressed, and to really illustrate why, I think it’s time to finally discuss a movie I should have brought up long ago, the movie that can most easily be seen as the spiritual precursor to this one: Meet the Feebles.

In 1989, Peter Jackson (yes, THAT Peter Jackson) set out to make a satire of human behavior… but also parody The Muppet Show. To the world, he delivered one of the most depraved, disgusting, and incredible works of puppet-based mayhem humanity could ever hope to see. Hardly a minute goes by without something gross, excessive, or over-the-top happening, and it’s all surrounding a bunch of drugged-up, sex addicted, crazy-ass puppets. So, yeah, The Happytime Murders was about 30 years late to the party, but was it really so bad? And how does Jackson’s film show the issues with Henson’s?

So let me just state up front here: I think The Happytime Murders is a decent film. It’s not mind-blowing, but there’s a lot of great puppet work done here, it builds up a really interesting world, and Bill Baretta’s Phil Phillips and Melissa McCarthy’s character actually play off of each other fairly well. Basically, whenever the movie is treating its subject matter with some degree of seriousness, even if it dips a little into black comedy, it works. The original concept for the film would have had this movie as a serious crime drama that happened to star puppets, and I think if they went with that it would have been amazing, but after so long in development hell it was retooled into being more comedic. Which would be fine; buddy cop comedies are usually enjoyable, right?

But its comedy has a real problem, and it’s the same problem Sausage Party had: too much of the humor in the film boils down to “Haha, look at this puppet say FUCK! Look at these puppets doing DRUGS! Hahaha, this puppet is CUMMING EVERYWHERE, isn’t that ZAAAAAAAAAANY?!” The entire joke for a lot of the movie is just the mere novelty that these puppets, things not often associated with swearing, shitting, cumming, drugs, incest, and so on, are doing all of those things, much as a lot of Sausage Party’s novelty was “Wow, look at these animated characters say FUCK!” The film ends up being too crass and too lowbrow at points, and it kind of muddles things. Like it wants to be serious but it also wants to appeal to the lowest common denominator in terms of humor, and it just seems tonally inconsistent.

Compare to Meet the Feebles, which practically revels in how depraved it is from the word go. Right off the bat we have a walrus fucking a cat, and the movie refuses to pull any punches from there. We have drug addiction, death, gang wars, puppets eating other puppets, puppets eating shit, puppets having drug-induced Vietnam war flashbacks where they were forced to play Russian Roulette by cringeworthy racist caricature cats, nasty puppet pornos, and all of it culminates in a fox singing a song about sodomy on a family variety show followed by a bloody mass shootout that leaves multiple people dead. The movie does not let up on being as sick and freaky as possible, and there isn’t a single minute that goes by where you won’t be questioning your sanity and Peter Jackson’s sanity.

But that’s the beauty of it; Meet the Feebles is never trying to aspire to be anything more than what it is. It wants to be this trashy, shit-coated look at the human condition, this sort of gory grindhouse trashterpiece. It almost feels like Jackson was deliberately shooting for the cult audience this movie would eventually gain, knowing that even if only a small number of people appreciated the message he was conveying, it would be worth it. And frankly that just makes the film feel far more honest and sincere than The Happytime Murders, and frankly I do not use the phrase “honest and sincere” to describe a film where a paparazzi fly literally eats a pile of shit lightly.

Basically, what this all boils down to is an identity crisis. The Happytime Murders tries to have its cake and eat it too, to be a serious crime drama and a juvenile comedy riding off of the novelty of puppets swearing and fucking. Meet the Feebles, on the other hand, just completely blasts off with the novelty right off the bat and somehow keeps finding ways to go further and further over the top; it knows what it wants to do, and by god it’s gonna do it. Meet the Feebles is proud of itself, and frankly it should be. Not many movies can claim to be so committed and self-sure as a movie that ends with a hippo puppet gunning down her coworkers in a fit of rage.

I definitely think both movies are worth a watch, though Meet the Feebles definitely moreso, especially if you like nasty, grimy, trashy films or just want to see where Jackson got his start, as this was his second film ever and in what I like to call the “Bad Taste Trilogy,” my grouping of his otherwise unconnected first three incredibly gory cult films. The Happytime Murders is definitely worth a watch if you don’t mind more juvenile humor; the earlier comparison to Sausage Party definitely works, because I feel mostly the same about it. It’s got some good, solid moments and a fun character dynamic between the leads, so if you like that sort of thing, love puppets, and don’t mind stupid lowbrow humor now and then, you might get a kick out of it.

Frankly, I think most of the problems The Happytime Murders has could easily be rectified if it got a sequel or even a spinoff set in the same world. There’s a lot of good ideas there, it just needed a little more polish and I think it could have been the greatest R-rated puppet film ever made as opposed to third place behind Peter Jackson fucking around and the South Park guys lampooning America.

#Michael After Midnight #Review #movie review #The Happytime Murders #Meet the Feebles #Peter Jackson #Brian Henson #puppets #comedy #cult classic

[missytearex]

Happy 1D fanworks appreciation day! I thought I would celebrate by sharing my ultimate favourites. So, in no particular order, here we go!

Vanguard by catholicschoolgirl | @catholicschoolgirl --- 40k, Zarry

“But you've been thinking about me,” Harry said. “You've been thinking about me, and now you know that I've been thinking about you. Since before we even met, I've wanted you.”

Zayn smiled wryly, feeling cynical all of a sudden. “And it's that easy?”

Harry nodded. “It should be. People try to make it hard, but I've gotta believe it's that easy. It's everything else about this damn world that's hard.”

This one absolutely destroyed me. It’s set in the 60′s during the Vietnam war. I was completely transported there. Do yourself a favour and have a listen to the fanmix as well. It really adds to the immersion.

there's no fair in farewell by we_are_the_same | @so-why-let-your-voice-be-tamed --- 218k, Larry

When Harry and Louis, two Cupids who have been bringing people together for decades, are tasked with making Soulmates Liam and Zayn fall in love, it proves to be much harder than expected. But maybe, just maybe, that isn’t such a bad thing after all.

This was the first WIP I’ve let myself read in years, and guys, it paid off! I have such a soft spot for it, as I was reading along while it was being posted. Take note that it is complete now! It’s just such an original story. I laughed, I cried, I yelled in capslock. Go read this right now, if you haven’t yet!

Under All Circumstances by lazy_daze | @dazy-laze --- 38k, OT5

When Liam decides to sign up for an online dating website, his main worry is how scary it is to finally have the chance to go out with a boy; he’s definitely not anticipating having to deal with the website glitch that sets him up on a blind date with not just one boy, but four at the same time.

Somehow, the date goes well – so well that the other four convince Liam that they all need to do it again, and for some crazy reason Liam agrees. Maybe it’s because he really likes these loud, ridiculous, frankly gorgeous boys.

But it’s stupid, isn’t it? No matter how good it feels, how much fun Liam has, and how lucky he feels that all these people want to kiss him – five people can’t all go out at the same time. Five-way relationships don’t happen, there’s no way they can all make this work. He’s sure of it.

I can’t emphasize enough how much I love this fic. It’s OT5 with feels, which is one of my favourite things ever, and there is not nearly enough of it in this world.

Walk That Mile by purpledaisy | @daisyharry --- 149k, Larry

Harry stares at him, the line of his jaw standing out scarily. “I wanted to get the most out of this trip so I planned it carefully.” His voice is low and steady and somehow that’s worse than when he was yelling. “So far, you’ve put your sticky fingers on everything I’ve tried to do.”

“Sticky fingers?” Louis repeats, offended. “Are you saying it’s my fault you got stung by a bee? Had you been alone you would have gotten halfway to the Dotty Diner and ran the car off the road because of an allergic reaction, so don’t go blaming me.”

“Polk-A-Dot Drive In,” Harry spits before getting out of the car. He slams the door shut with a deafening reverb and Louis rolls his eyes. - A Route 66 AU where falling in love was never part of the plan.

Larry roadtrip AU! I can only imagine how much research must have gone into writing something like this. Pair that with a brilliant writing style and amazing characterizations and, holy shit, you’ve got one incredible story!

Little Lion Man by Writcraft | @writsgrimmyblog --- 123k, Tomlinshaw

It’s his final year at Hogwarts, and Louis can’t wait to leave for good. He hates being in Gryffindor and he can’t even enjoy a smoke with the Slytherins now his best mate Zayn’s fucked off to Durmstrang. Louis would be completely miserable if not for WWN and Nick Grimshaw. The same Nick Grimshaw Louis has been listening to for years, ever since Nick’s early days on Potterwatch. As Louis tries to negotiate coming of age, sexuality, first times, homophobia in the wizarding world and his growing feelings for Nick, a new evil emerges which puts Louis and Nick in serious danger. Peace can only last for so long and Louis is about to learn exactly how brave he can be as he finds himself fighting for his life, his friends and everything he’s ever loved.

This author is an absolute legend among the HP community, and I feel so blessed that they gave us this epic coming-of-age freakin novel of a Tomlinshaw fic. Because that’s what it is. A novel. Reading it feels like reading a Harry Potter book, with added smut. Plus, I have such a soft spot for Tomlinshaw. A must read.

Let It Be Lightning by alexenglish | @queerlyalex --- 41k, OT5

Niall Horan made a choice when he enlisted with the Pan Pacific Defense Corps. Leave his family and try to make a difference. He started out as a Jaeger Tech, elbow-deep in the greasy guts of the machines that were supposed to save the world, but here he is, five years later, fresh out of the Ranger Academy with another choice to make:

Assemble a team of Rangers able to pilot two or more Jaegers at any given moment. Interchangeable partnerships, all Drift Compatible with each other. The implications of pulling off this project are astronomical, but at the end of the day, Niall's just worried about how many people are going to end up inside his head.

If you’re looking for a little diversity, look no further! This one features non-binary!harry, trans-male!louis and asexual!liam all in one damn place! And everyone is connected through Niall! I mean, that pushes so many of my buttons, I don’t even know where to start!

you came into my life by disgruntledkittenface | @disgruntledkittenface --- 57k, Larry

They stand around talking for a minute and then Jonathan starts to ramble, “Has there ever been, like, an unrequited gay love story in here? Like a Brokeback Mountain moment where, like, someone just fell in love and they didn’t mean to?”

Louis feels bile rise in his throat as Jonathan’s eyes sparkle, pleading for a yes. He manages to look around and see thoughtful looks on his coworkers’ faces before their heads shake no.

“Not here,” Liam says finally.

When the Queer Eye cast and crew sweep into Louis’ small town and fire station to make over his best friend and coworker Liam, Louis’ carefully constructed walls start to fall down and he has to face his fears – and the only guy he’s ever been able to see a future with.

I’ve talked about this one before, and to be honest, I probably won’t ever stop talking about it. It’s a story about Louis’ inner struggles and the people that give him the courage to finally come out of the closet. Every which way you turn, there’s a character love and adore. I will definitely be reading this one again some time in the near future.

I Only Come Alive Under the Moonlight by remivel | @remivel --- 54k, Lilo

Louis knew he hadn't seen action in months, but this was just the universe making fun of him, he was sure of it. Because when he woke up in the middle of the night, he discovered that his new dog was missing, and standing in its place was a very confused, very fit... and very naked man.

Or a romantic comedy with a furry twist. Liam turns into a dog at night, Louis tries to help him get back to normal-- and ends up falling in love somewhere along the way.

It’s a rom-com, guys! And I actually laughed out loud. Imagine Louis waking up to find a naked Liam in the kitchen. And Liam having no idea how he got there, or even who he is. It’s so fun to join their weird little bubble for a while. I could’ve easily read another 50k words of this.

Replay, Darling by lazy_daze | @dazy-laze --- 1k, Lilo

Really, really schmoopy Lilo 'Replay' fic for which I blame onedirectionundergod and the fact that there can never been enough 'Replay' schmoop. (Or porn - oh man, please - but this is version: schmoop.) Thank you to checkthemargins for the title help! <3

This one really is sickly-sweet, but that’s just how I like ‘em! I know it’s short, but my love for Lilo and the whole replay thing makes it one of my favourites.

Easy As All That (Go Around A Time Or Two) by sunsetmog --- 84k, Lilo

Sometimes the hardest part of growing up is figuring out who you are in the first place.

Or: The one where Liam and Louis only kiss when they're on nights out, when it's secret, when there's no one around to see them. If no one knows you're having a sexuality crisis, that means it isn't happening, right?

Or, or: Liam accidentally turns Louis' world upside down.

A high school sixth form AU.

Lilo having a sexuality crisis! I don’t know what more you need me to say, really. When I think about Lilo, this is the fic I think about.

Heart Skips A Beat by harriet_vane --- 27k, Zarry

Harry always kisses everyone, until he starts something he can't finish. (A university AU in which no one goes to class. I am noticing a trend.)

Harry’s characterization is the whole reason I love this fic so much. He absolutely has no freakin idea how to deal with his crush and goes about it all wrong. It’s endearing as much as it is face-palm inducing.

I Could Paint You By Numbers, and Color You In by YinAndYangOnIce --- 12k, Ziall

based off this thing i wrote, basically Niall has a secret admirer and everyone is an idiot

I prefer my Ziall to be of the fluffy variety and this one does not disappoint! It makes me smile like an absolute idiot, which is why you should read it. 

Not Happening by scottmcniceass --- 52k, Ziam

Zayn and Liam are roommates. They hate each other. (Most of the time.)

This was the first Ziam I have ever read and boy did it set the bar high. If you’re into enemies to lovers, as I am, drop everything and read this. 

#28th appreciation #one direction #1d #mine #fic rec #my recs #my lists

[maevefiction]

Your Light in the Mist - Chapter 42

We left the Gold Coast on February 13th, returned home for two days, then were off again…first to Berlin for a screening of ‘The Night Manager’ with a Q & A session, then on to Vietnam, where shooting began the day after we arrived. The entire experience there was life-altering, in a way. The people, who were so kind, generous, and welcoming, and the locations, some of which had never before been filmed, were majestic and evocative of a land time had, to our benefit, forgotten…but most of all, the opportunity to immerse myself in a culture I had little knowledge of was humbling, and miraculous, and I made every effort to be out and about with every spare moment I had. When production wrapped in mid-March, Jordan announced that he was planning on relocating to the area, and I found myself just the tiniest bit jealous. There was such a sense of peace there, despite such a tumultuous upheaval in the not so distant past…a testament to the human spirit, our ability to keep pressing onward, to continue to live, and even thrive. A lesson in perspective, I suppose.

Tom was due in Los Angeles on March 20th for a photoshoot, so we opted to go directly there instead of heading home to London and then back out again. The 21st was booked with interviews, which would be followed by the official ‘I Saw the Light’ premiere on the 22nd. This was the first time I’d be walking a red carpet with him, other than the brief appearance at the Cube. Though Tom normally preferred the Beverly Hills Hotel, we were staying at the Loews Hollywood due to its proximity to the Egyptian, where the screening would be held, and Sadie’s Kitchen, the venue chosen for the after party. Our room was on the 15th floor, modern décor in shades of grey, white and burgundy, with a view of the Hollywood sign…currently packed with a team of stylists, garment bags and rolling racks making me feel like a sardine in a tin. Granted, a very lovely tin, but a tin nonetheless. Tom was almost ready to go, his bright blue suit complementing his eyes perfectly, black necktie offering a bold contrast to his white dress shirt. I was still in my skivvies, one of the gals taping me into my strapless bra ‘just in case’. Despite the opportunity it created for an epic wardrobe malfunction, I was totally in love with my gown. It was strapless with a sweetheart neckline, gradient purple, near black at the top, fading to pale lilac midway down in the front and plum in the back. The skirt was floor length and full, and both a portion of it and nearly the entire bodice were decorated with silver vines and leaves, cascading downward like a waterfall. I’d opted for dark purple heels, on the thick side because I figured there was less of a risk of tripping in front of the press line that way. Around my neck was my tourmaline necklace, and my hair had been pinned up in a loose bun. As I pondered what food choices awaited me at Sadie’s, the gal announced that my tits were secure and I was instructed to step carefully into the gown, zipped up, and released into the wild to fend for myself. Tom’s hands descended upon my shoulders as I inspected the contents of my clutch one final time, making sure I had a room key, my cell phone, tissues and a Snickers bar.

“You look gorgeous, as always.”

I turned my head to meet his gaze. “You don’t look half bad yourself.” He grinned, releasing me, and I spun around to get a better look at him. “Mmm. That is a nifty suit. To the left…to the right…where will…aha, LEFT. What’s that, eight out of ten or something?”

“I didn’t realize we were collecting data. Will the results be in the form of a bar graph or a pie chart?”

“A fifty page thesis, actually. Available for sale on Amazon. I figure we can fund our retirement with it.”

He laughed, interrupted by his phone chirping. “Car’s here. Let’s roll.”

“Walk. I’m going to walk. Probably. Rolling sounds like ‘a YouTube Star is Born’. But I suppose that could fund some shit too…”

We exited arm in arm, piled into the elevator with a bunch of other fancy people I didn’t know, then climbed into the black SUV waiting for us. It was still light out, the day bright and sunny. Our vehicle was sixth in line when we pulled up to the Egyptian Theater, and my jaw dropped at how old-school big-glam Hollywood it looked, the red carpet lining the courtyard, velvet ropes and press wherever I looked. It was far from my first rodeo, but it was the first time I’d be at such an event in the capacity of ‘movie star’s plus one’. A low whistle escaped my lips.

“Wow, so we’re like, really doing this. Surreal, Tom. Sur-REAL.”

He took my hand in his, pulling my attention away from what I could see outside the window. I smiled at the sight of the excitement written all over his face. “It is that, positively. And I’m…I’m…well, I’m like a live wire, Maude. Crackling and vibrating and super charged with energy because I’m not walking this one alone, you’re going to be right by my side and…” He let go of my hand, flinging both his up in the air and waving them around jazz-style as he grinned. “I. AM. UNCONTROLLABLY EXCITED!”

I leaned in to kiss his cheek, quickly wiping the lipstick I left behind away with one of my tissues. “My god you are just too cute. Does this car have a sick bag? Because the cute is going to make me barf, for sure.” I mock-gagged.

He continued to grin like a fool as he pointed to the window behind me. “We’re up! It’s time! Let’s go, my lady. LET’S GO!”

Before I could ask for a moment to get my shit together, he was out of the car, the roar of waiting fans greeting him as he ran around to my side and opened the door for me. I took his proffered hand and stepped out into the daylight, the roars growing louder, our names being shouted above the din by press and onlookers alike. As we made our way down to the entrance, Tom stopped to sign and take selfies as long as time would allow, and then it was time for us to strike a pose. The flashes were the worst part, a ceaseless strobing that made it very difficult to focus, but mid-way through my eyes and brain seemed to adjust and I found myself having a really good fucking time mugging for the cameras with the man of the evening. The interviews were a blast, Tom taking the lead and doing most of the talking, pulling me in here and there when it was someone he’d interacted with on previous occasions or mentioned my name. We were like a comedy improv team that sang on command, and by the time we made it into the actual screening I was totally high on fun. Not exactly the right vibe for such a serious, angsty, sad movie, but in the end I was grateful I went into it with a boost because the ended pregnancy talk scene was difficult to watch even though it was the second time around. There I sat, holding back tears with Tom’s hand in mine, shaking, and me rubbing his wrist with my thumb. As soon as the credits rolled we were ushered quickly to the car, and then it was off to Sadie’s. I was a very intimate setting, the décor an eclectic mix of woods, stones, metals and glass. The food was a bit too micro for my taste, and there were moments when I seriously considered grabbing an entire tray of hor d'oeuvres and making a break for the coatroom. Tom had been indulging in champagne all evening, and Rodney’s band was in the house, so I knew that it wouldn’t be long until an impromptu jam session occurred. I’d avoided going to the bathroom since we left the hotel, and the three sodas I’d guzzled made it impossible to postpone any longer. I kissed Tom on the cheek, leaving him with the drummer whose name I’d been given but could absolutely not recall and headed for the rest room. Fitting into the stall was the first hurdle, turning around was the second, and it actually got more and more complicated every step of the way until my hands were full of fabric and my ass was on the chilly seat. Figuring out how to wipe was the Rubik’s cube of the process, and I stared at the toilet paper dispenser for an untold amount of minutes. I heard the band begin to play Move It On Over, heard them finish, then start up with Long Gone Lonesome Blues. Tom’s yodeling snapped me out of my stupor and I bunched all the fabric in the crook of one arm, tore off the necessary quantity of sheets with my free hand and took care of business like a boss. As I thanked the gods for auto-flush, I unlocked the stall, dropped the fabric back in place and propelled myself outward…right into Lizzie, who was wearing a far more practical dress that wasn’t all floaty and poufy and just waiting for an accident to happen. She grinned.

“So? Enjoying the party? Or did you come in here to hide like, you know, I DID?”

I laughed. “So far, so good. Nice to know it’s not just me who seeks refuge in bathrooms, though. But this time it’s a legit visit. Which was terrifying.”

“Maude, there are more dresses in my closet that I wound up buying because they were unfit to return then I care to count. Wine, toothpaste, hair gel, lipstick, chocolate, things I don’t even know what they are and probably don’t want to…and lemme tell ya, I know all the best bathrooms for hiding in SO many cities all around the world. The private ones with really loud fans are just…” She sighed. “Perfection.”

Washing my hands, I nodded. “Oh yeah. Peace and quiet. If they only came with a Do Not Disturb sign…”

“Oh my GOD, there’s a bathroom in a restaurant in Toronto, I can’t remember the name but I know where it is, I can see it…damn…anyway, they HAVE that.”

“No they do not.”

She nodded, walking to the stall furthest from the door. “Yes they do! Best twenty minutes of my night a few years back.” Turning, she waved. “Okay, I’m goin’ in. If anyone’s looking for me…”

“I have no idea where you are.”

She blew me a kiss. “Bless you.”

As I re-entered the chaos, I was hit with an extra-loud, slightly slurred version of Hey Good Lookin’, and I couldn’t wait to round the corner and see Tom in action. And take a video. Which I’d totally post on Tumblr because surely it was something the entire world needed to see. The band had set up on one side of the dining area, which had been cleared of tables, and they were surrounded by cast and crew, some standing and clapping, others dancing. Tom was easy to spot, and as I worked my way through the crowd, I noticed that there was a woman hanging on him, her arm resting on his shoulder as she shimmied to the beat. She was waiflike, incredibly thin and tall, taller than Tom, even, in her white stilettos, her white mini dress so short I didn’t think it would be possible for her to sit down without putting on one hell of a show. There were triangular cut-outs at the waist, and her platinum blonde hair hung halfway down her back. Her eyes were huge, greenish-grey, and beautiful, the stand out component of her heart-shaped face with its perfect Cupid’s bow mouth. I’d never seen her before and had never asked him to point her out in the film, though I now recognized her from it, and as I registered that it was the woman he was terrified of running into, and that we’d forgotten the possibility of her being there, or at least I had, my heart began to pound in my chest. Claudia. Right there, in front of me, rubbing up against my fiancé.

As the song ended everyone cheered, and she placed her hands on either side of Tom’s head, turned his face towards hers, then kissed him squarely on the lips in far too intimate a fashion and for entirely too long. I heard a few gasps, but they were eclipsed by the roaring of my heartbeat in my ears, and I fought the urge to scream as I watched him gently push her away. He turned back toward the crowd, stone-faced, and when his mask slipped almost imperceptibly I knew he’d spotted me. I wanted to run, flee the scene, disappear into the night but this was a party full of his co-workers, part of the promo, and doing so would certainly hit the gossip rags in a flash and had the potential to damage the success of the film and so I stood, and I faked a smile as he walked toward me with the woman who possessed a cache of sex tapes starring them both at his side. Once they were two feet away, she opened her clutch and pulled out what I knew to be a hotel room key, as it bore the same logo as the one in my own. Her voice was a much higher pitch than mine, volume just loud enough for both Tom and I to hear when she spoke, pressing the plastic rectangle into his hand.

“Here’s my key. Panorama suite two. I’ll see you shortly.” She turned to me, smirking, then back to him, gesturing in my direction with her thumb. “You can bring her too, if you want, even though she’s not exactly my type. That giant cock of yours more than makes up for it.”

She grinned widely at me, then walked across the room, hair swaying back and forth as she rolled her hips, finally vanishing around the corner and into the hall that led to the exit after what seemed like forever. I heard Tom say my name, and I looked up, but I stared at the knot in his tie because I couldn’t look him in the eye. He took my hand in his, which I permitted, and after his first ‘good night’ it dawned on me that one, I should do the same because two, apparently he’d decided it was time to get the fuck out of there. As soon as we rounded the same corner Claudia had minutes earlier, I pulled my hand from his. Neither of us spoke then, and when he began to do so in the car, I silenced him with a terse ‘not now’.

The ban continued as we entered the hotel, and throughout the elevator ride. Once the room door was closed and locked behind us, I held up both hands, palms toward him.

“Tom. I’m going into the bathroom. I’m going to take this dress off. I’m going to take a shower. I’m going to try and calm down and return to some sort of quasi-rational version of myself. You are going to stay out here.” I could feel the rage bubbling up, words I shouldn’t say spilling out of my mouth. “Unless, of course, you’re planning on joining Claudia, which, FYI, I am NOT.” I took a deep breath. “I’m sorry for that. That’s exactly what I’m trying to avoid. I’ll be out when I’m ready.”

Once safely tucked away, I focused on each individual detail of every task. Zipper down. Dress off. Hang up the dress. Tape off. Bra off. Underwear off. Water on. Test water. Step into shower. By the time I’d dried off, I once again understood that the man on the other side of the door loved me, and that I loved him, and trusted him, and that we needed to discuss what had happened because there was a side to this story I’d yet to hear, and doing or saying or thinking anything without having that knowledge would be unreasonable. And wrong.

He was sitting on the floor, jacket and tie off, shirt unbuttoned ,back leaning up against the bottom of the bed with his knees up and his head in his hands. Hearing me pad across the carpet, he looked up at me, his forlorn expression shifting briefly to one of desire, which baffled me until I realized I was naked. Knowing that he wanted me in the midst of all this was strangely comforting, and empowering. I pulled a robe out of the top dresser drawer, wrapping it around myself as I walked to the bed and sat down, his body to the left of my own. His gaze was cast downward again, and I reached out and began rubbing the back of his neck, speaking softly.

“Will you sit with me and tell me what happened?”

He nodded, rising quickly and joining me on the mattress. His eyes met mine, and he inhaled deeply.

“I had no idea she’d be attending. I didn’t even think to ask. If I’m honest, I hadn’t given her a single thought in months, not until we watched the movie here, and even then the possibility of her turning up didn’t even cross my mind for more than a few seconds…and I pushed it away as me being paranoid. As soon as I started in on Hey Good Lookin’ I felt someone to my left, which wasn’t out of the ordinary as people had been all around me since we began playing, but the someone was incredibly close, and at first I thought you’d snuck up on me and were going to join in, but when I turned to look it was…her. And there I was, in the middle of a song, in front of everyone, and I wanted to stop and get away from her but…”

It was my turn to nod. “In front of everyone. I know that feel.”

He shook his head. “I told myself to remain professional, to keep going, and I thought if I pretended that we were filming I’d be fine. Then she…she…she kissed me in front of everyone, and I just couldn’t believe it and she just kept going and I wanted to shove her off me but that would have looked…and so I did it as normally as I could and the whole time I was hoping you were still in the bathroom but then I saw you…” He paused. “And when I started toward you she came WITH me and then the keycard and what she said…then watching you keep yourself together when I knew you were…I’m sorry. So, so sorry. If that kiss makes it online…my god. I’m sorry.”

His head was in his hands again, shoulders shaking as he wept, and I recognized that this experience had been so deeply traumatic for him that he didn’t quite realize it yet, his unconsciously focusing outwardly serving as diversion. I wrapped my arms around him and held him to my chest, stroking his hair until he quieted enough to listen. When he was able to look me in the eye again, I began to speak.

“Thank you for explaining. That’s essentially what I thought had happened, and, I’m very sorry it happened to you.” His left brow rose. “What she did was so completely inappropriate…I mean, that’s not really surprising, but…yeah. Is it okay if I go through my thought process here?”

He half-smiled. “Yes.”

“Obviously, there’s a component of jealousy. That hit me first. This beautiful woman that’s been intimate with you kissed you right in front of me, and you look amazing together, and she’s tall and blonde and skinny…and the way she presented the keycard to you made it seem like you had an arrangement, a plan in place. Most of way back here all what was going through my mind was that you’d been secretly contacting her and set this all up. But, then I reminded myself exactly who, and what, she was to you, and the jealousy turned primarily to anger, directed at her, but there was still enough jealousy left to generate some serious nastiness on my part directed at YOU. And, like I said before, I wanted to avoid that because it was likely baseless and unwarranted, the jealousy. So I showered, and I listened, and DAMN that anger is way worse now and you should probably keep that room key far the fuck away from me…” I took a deep breath. “Sheese. Again, I’m very sorry this happened to you. However you want to handle it, I’m here to help. Whatever you need, okay?”

He reached out to touch my face, letting his fingertips drag across my jaw and down my neck before grasping my hand.

“I wasn’t even thinking of anything happening to me. I was afraid of what you’d think, and…”

I entwined my fingers with his. “I know. And I appreciate that. We’ve been through some shit, my dude, and I’m a runner. Or, I was. Now…you’re more important than my internal bullshit struggles.”

A smile lit up his face, but it faded quickly, replaced with fear, then sorrow, then anger over the next several silent minutes as he stared at me.

“Maude, all I know in this moment is that I’m finished being afraid of her. I remembered what you said back in New Orleans, our options, and…well, it’s time, I think, for her to know that what she views as having the upper hand…isn’t. Not anymore.” He ran one hand through his hair. “So. I’m going up there, and I’m going to deal with this for once, and for all. Unless you think it’s utter madness to do such a thing.”

My mouth dropped open as my brow rose. “Oh, it’s madness, alright. But I like it. Hmm…”

He laughed, then poked my collarbone softly with his finger. “Ah, a plan is afoot, is it?”

“No. A plan is a plan. Not a foot.” He groaned and covered his eyes briefly, gaze returning to meet mine as I continued. “Okay. Several things to consider here. Ideally, you’d do this alone. Are you comfortable with that?”

“Well, yes and no. Going in, absolutely. But when I visualize reaction scenarios, I am concerned that a situation might arise that would result in an unfavorable outcome.”

I snorted. “Yeah, as in her recording the entire exchange and then heavily editing it to paint you in a…a…let’s go with ‘negative light’.” He nodded. “The hotel security feed would take care of pinpointing when you entered and when you left, but everything in between is up for grabs, and that’s not acceptable. Having a witness seems warranted, but who’s the witness? Am I the witness? Does my bias preclude me from being reliable in reporting the truth?”

Tom nodded again. “Likely, yes. But you’re the only witness available who’s privy to all the details of the history involved, and I wouldn’t trust anyone else to maintain any sort of confidentiality.”

This was something I had zero desire to participate in, for a multitude of reasons. It was pre-Maude, and in that aspect, none of my damn business. But since Claudia’s future actions could significantly impact my life, even if said impact was short-lived, that made it potentially my damn business. Then there was what I knew…what she’d done with him, and, far worse, what she’d done TO him. Unsettling at best, rage inducing at worst…in other words, I’d be walking into a situation wherein keeping myself in check was questionable, but of the utmost importance. And there it was, another lightbulb moment in the life and times of Maude Gallagher-soon-to-be-Hiddleston. I chuckled, and he stared at me, confused, head tilted to the side as he attempted to discern what was amusing.

I patted his knee. “I’m just laughing at my own stupidity, because I totally forgot that I’m a member of your PR team and thus have a rather valid reason to accompany you since part of the discussion will include…PR. And it ALSO gives me a reason to behave myself. Total coup, right?”

His arms wrapped around me, kissing first one cheek, then the other. “Oh, yes. Check mate.”

“No, that’s just the check. The checkmate is me recording the whole exchange on my phone, which will be tucked in my bra. Or somewhere.”

He pulled back, eyes wide. “Isn’t this a two party state? I recall you mentioning that…”

“Yeah. It is. But that won’t stop me from leaking it if the need arises. You know, someone could steal my phone at any given moment. It’s totally possible. I’m forgetful. I leave things behind ALL THE TIME…”

“Maude, you are deliciously fiendish. And I love you so.”

“Aw, thank you, baby. And I’m a total hypocrite, because I just admitted to being willing to do what I believe she shouldn’t. Anyway…criminal prosecution for this sort of thing is very rare. She could sue, of course. But I don’t think I care. Do you care?”

“I do not.”

“Cool. Hopefully we’ll never need to use it.” I rose, both hands finger-gunning in his direction. “Let’s do this.”

He stood, tugging at the fabric of my robe. “Should you dress first, do you think?”

I glanced down at myself. “Oh. Right. This is not one of my ‘don’t fuck with me’ ensembles.”

Snorting, he began re-buttoning his shirt. “Quite the opposite, actually.”

“Thomas. I’m struggling to keep a firm grasp on my professionalism. Cease.”

“Firm grasp, you say?”

I pretended to not hear him and searched my travel wardrobe for something that would work, in the end opting for black leggings, a fluffy, grey, oversize turtleneck sweater and my Birkenstock boots. As I caught sight of myself in the mirror on the way out the door, I decided my choices were just the right mix of business and badassery…but a V-neck would have made hiding the phone a whole lot fucking simpler.

****************************************

There we stood, outside Panorama suite number two, me turned away from the door with my shirt lifted and bra on full display as I wedged my phone into it and hit record. Tom and I exchanged a few words, and then it was Titty Time again. I was relieved to hear the playback was nice and clear and began another session, putting a finger to my lips to let Tom know we were on the record, so to speak. He knocked loudly, then even louder when there was no immediate answer. When he paused, a clicking that could only be high heels on tile was audible, its increasing volume indicating the wearer was travelling in our direction. The door swung inward to reveal Claudia, now clad in white lingerie, a lacy bra, bikini panties, garters and filmy white stockings, all paired with the same white stilettos she’d worn to the party. She placed one hand on her hip, smirking widely.

“Well, well, well. Hello, Tom. I expected you to turn up, but not…” A thumb with a fuchsia fingernail jerked in my direction. “…her. Not exactly a pleasant surprise, but, whatever. Come on in. I’ve gotten off with my vibe three times already but I’m still SO fucking horny. Just one kiss from you, that’s all it takes…mmmm…”

Tom held up a hand, palm towards her. “Stop, Claudia. Right now. Control yourself until we’re behind closed doors, for god’s sake.”

She bit her lip. “Oh my, someone’s feeling forceful. Must be my lucky day!”

We walked in past her, and she followed after closing the door and engaging the slide-bolt lock, stopping in front of the not-so-mini mini bar to face us.

“Anyone else want a cocktail before cock?” Neither Tom nor I replied. “Well I do. I need one. Who wears a turtleneck to a threesome? Christ.”

Tom’s jaw clenched, then released as he spoke. “I’m afraid you’ve misinterpreted the reason for this visit, Claudia. Hint, it’s not for a threesome. I’m only here to have a conversation with you, one we should have had quite some time ago. Maude’s presence is due to the fact that she’s a member of my PR team, and will serve as my advisor if necessary.”

She was stunned, silent, and the fingers she’d wrapped around a bottle of rum went white with the strength of her grip. When Tom noted it didn’t appear as if she’d reply, he continued.

“I’m not going to waste my time re-hashing the past, but I will say this…I made it abundantly clear that we were done when I discovered you were secretly filming our encounters. When I also made it clear that I didn’t love you, and pointed out that I’d never given you any reason to believe our relationship was anything more than purely sexual in nature, you threatened me. You threatened to provide a detailed account of our interactions to my family and friends, you threatened to publish all of the videos you’d made online, and you threatened to ruin my career and make my life a living hell.”

She’d done several double takes during his speech, looking at me, then back at him, then back at me, as if she couldn’t wrap her mind around the fact that I might be aware that something had transpired between them. She finally relinquished her hold on the rum bottle, lifting her hands in surrender. “Tom, that was…I was…I just said all that because I was angry. I didn’t mean it.”

He scoffed. “Really? You didn’t mean it? Yet you accepted a million dollar payout from me?”

“I thought we had a future, Tom. Together. The money was like…alimony.”

“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response, Claudia. What I want you to know is that from this day onward, you are to come nowhere near me. If for some reason we find ourselves at the same event or function, don’t approach me. Don’t speak to me. And most of all, don’t fucking TOUCH me. If you refuse to comply, I will not hesitate to file a restraining order against you.” He took two steps closer to her, his face now inches from hers. “Do you understand?”

She didn’t respond, and he repeated the question, his tone far harsher, volume ratcheting up five notches on the dial.

“DO YOU UNDERSTAND?”

Crossing her arms, she sneered at him. “You know, I still have all those videos...it would be such a shame if they went public and Maude found out what kind of person you really are…”

And there was my cue. I pulled Tom backwards and away from her, then stepped in front of him.

“Maude is acutely aware of the contents of ‘those videos’, Claudia.” Air quotes. I felt like an Office Space character for a second, and really, really wanted to tell her that if she would kindly fuck off and die that’d be great. “Opting to publish them is entirely your choice to make.”

Her laugh bordered on hysterical. “So you’re fine with ruining his career and making yourself a laughing stock? That’s cool. I’ll totally publish them then.”

I shrugged. “Be advised that there will be repercussions that will affect you personally and professionally if you choose to take such action.” She opened her mouth to speak, and I held up my hand to cut her off at the pass, my right index finger pointing up toward the ceiling. “First, since you’ll be violating the terms of the NDA you signed, a suit will be filed for breach of contract wherein we’ll be requesting both expectation and disgorgement damages. That means you’ll be on the hook for repayment of the one million dollars you received as a settlement, as well as any lost revenue Tom incurs as a result of the breach. Secondly, criminal charges will be filed under California’s Revenge Porn Law, which defines said revenge porn as the publication of nude photos or videos of a person one used to be intimate with, without their consent, with an intent to cause serious emotional distress. Each video that was filmed in the state of California would incur a penalty of a fine in the amount of $1000 and up to six months in jail…based upon Tom’s estimate as to video quantity, you’d be facing a prison sentence of up to ten years. Thirdly, and lastly, criminal charges and a civil suit will be filed for your violation of the Invasion of Privacy act. California is a ‘two party’ state when it comes to audio recordings of confidential communication in situations and locations wherein there’s a reasonable expectation of privacy. Audio that’s a component of a video is covered under this particular statute, and penalties include a fine of up to $2500 and a year in jail. Long story short, Claudia…do you want to wind up in jail? Because publishing those videos is how you wind up in jail.”

While I spoke, I’d witnessed her face first going pale, then gradually reddening until it reached a final almost-purple hue. She was shaking with rage, and I just stood there, certain she was going to attack me Dynasty lady-feud style. But she didn’t, pausing, instead to digest what I’d said as best she could and find a way around it. Her eyes, now more grey than green, narrowed as she spoke.

“My attorney will drag out your breach suit for years, and if you win, I’ll hide all my assets and file for bankruptcy and you won’t see a dime, ever. As for the rest, there’s no proof Tom never consented to filming. Same with that distress bullshit. My word against his. I’ll take those odds, and when I’m acquitted of all charges I’ll sue YOU guys for damages and take even MORE of Tom’s money.”

Raising my brow, I leaned in a little closer to her. “Tom saved all your texts and voicemails. Every. Single. One. They’re tucked away, safe and sound, on the very phone you sent them to.”

If Tom hadn’t been paying such close attention, the highball glass she picked up and threw would have hit me right in the face. He’d jerked both of us to the side, and the glass shattered when it hit the wall. With me in front of him, he propelled both of us toward the door at top speed, slid the bolt and pushed me out into the hallway, slamming the door behind him in the midst of the sound of more shattering glass and her screams of ‘get out, GET OUT’. We headed for the stairs, not wanting to wait for the elevator, rushed back to our room, entered and locked our own door, both of us unsure as to whether we were pleased, frightened, or a bit of both.

I reached up under my sweater to pull out the phone, hitting the stop button to end the recording. Tom placed his hands on my shoulders, eyes on mine.

“Are you all right?”

Nodding, I felt my mouth twist into a half smile. “That went better than I expected, honestly.” I stood on my toes and planted a kiss on his left cheek. “Thanks for rescuing me from death by assorted beverage containers. How do you feel?”

His eyes shifted down and to the side, then returned to my face. “Relieved. Like I’ve gotten some closure, and that I’m no longer at her mercy. The fear, the anxiety in regard to my past actions becoming public…that’s subsided significantly. But there’s trepidation present, resulting from her expression of violence towards you, which I’m not quite sure how to handle.”

I slipped my phone into his pocket as I wrapped my arms around his torso. “She just realized she’s powerless, and she was NOT happy about it. Probably best to let it go and hope she finds a new hobby. Or a good therapist. Or Jesus. Something.”

“Maude, if that would have hit you…”

“It didn’t, though. I’m fine, you’re fine, and…that was over the top, wasn’t it? Was she aiming for me? Or you? Or the wall? Wow, I’m kinda freaked out now.”

He pulled me to his chest, kissing the top of my head. “I’m sorry. I knew her behavior as I experienced it was abnormal, and I shouldn’t have involved you.”

I leaned back, reaching up to caress his cheek. “You realize I knew too based on your description of your experience, yes? I’m glad I went with you. She would have spun that visit in the worst way possible, Tom, if the opportunity presented itself. Now she can’t, and I’m glad for that. As for the rest…we have a plan in place if she releases the videos, and we’ll follow through with it. She knows now that you’re no longer afraid of that happening, and that you’ll fight back, and I’m thinking maybe that will take all the fun out of it for her.”

A heavy sigh escaped him. “I hope that’s the case, my love. Truly I do. And I’m not going to dwell on it, because allowing her to diminish our joy is akin to giving her precisely what she wants, and she’s stolen enough already. This shop’s doors are closed. Permanently.”

“That’s an excellent way to look at it, Mr. Eternal Optimist. The doors are closed and the shop’s in the rearview as we travel the road ahead of us into our future.”

He simply stared at me, a small smile upon his face, his eyes once again full of all those things that made me both weak in the knees and disgusted with my sappy-ass self all at once. I rolled my eyes.

“Man, you’ve gotta lay off that adorable shit. We’ve got three months to go until the wedding and when you look at me like that…I just want to say fuck it and go find a judge and do it, like, right now.” Next came the tears shining, ready to spill over. “No. Oh my god, not helping, Tom. NOT. HELPING.”

He laughed. “I’m not even sorry.”

“Color me thoroughly unsurprised.”

“I’d rather color your inner thighs with love bites.”

“That can be arranged.”

Less than an hour later, we were spooning, and I felt his breathing change as he slipped into sleep. I lay nestled against him, wide awake until near dawn, trying to force myself to stop thinking about Claudia. Her actions seemed, as I reviewed the evening’s events, to indicate she hadn’t quite…let go. Far from it, actually. I wondered what she actually wanted, after so much time had passed. Was it more money? Was it revenge? Was it still…Tom? Was it all three, perhaps? And then I found myself wondering how far someone who behaved as she had tonight was willing to go in order to get it. Whatever it was she wanted. And it shook me, so I sang our wedding song to myself in my head until I calmed down, finally dozing off reminding myself that things which were terribly frightening in the dead of night were often immediately vanquished as nonsense by the light of day.

#your light in the mist #chapter 42

[hillariat]

When I’m with you

Tags: Original work, Fluff, Romance, F/F, wlw, Comedy 

Word count: 3,066

Summary: She followed me to my doorstep, and we embraced in a hug that lasted way longer than it should. As she departed, bidding an I'll text you when I'm home -a mere formality in Singapore- I began to wonder.

Did she feel the same?

In which Rachel has feelings for her best friend Jiamin.

Author’s note: This is just something to take note of before reading if you aren’t familiar with Singapore. This story uses some Singlish, mostly in dialogue. Singlish is the colloquial variation of English in Singapore. It has its own unique grammatical structure and slang terms borrowed from multiple different Asian languages. Different people integrate Singlish into their speech to varying degrees. For Singlish terms, I’ve given in text translations in [ ]. 

Also I’ve cross-posted this on Royal Road under the same title and author name.

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The first time I felt it, I was at the park with her in the middle of the night. She kept nudging me to try the flying fox. I rebuked that it wasn’t my thing, that it wasn’t appropriate with the skirt I was wearing, that she wasn’t strong enough to push me all the way to the other end.

In essence, I was scared. Yeah, a 15-year-old was scared of a piece of playground equipment that little 5-year-olds rode on a daily basis. Jiamin mocked me in much the same way, as if my reaction were a teleprompt script of my thoughts. I relented and awkwardly attempted to sit on the damn thing. She saw me struggle and halted her sharp remarks, most likely to not dissuade me from my reluctant decision. Instead, she opted for a constipated face, struggling to contain her laughter.

With an effortful push from Ms constipatedface, I was sent gliding across the playground with the whirring noise of cables being my only company. It was....not as bad as I thought. The slight breeze that brushed against my face, the passing scenery of a peaceful night was relaxing, the - yeah I was lying to myself. This was fucking scary. My feet were suspended a meter off the ground, ripping any sense of control I had over this damned thing away from me. I was at the mercy of the imparted force of Jiamin's push and whatever resistance the ill maintained wires provided. Without my calculator and notebook, I had no clue when or where exactly I would stop and not knowing brought upon deep seated feelings of insecurity that I thought I had tucked away under piles of 100th percentiles in report cards.

Fortunately for me, the flying fox slowed down to a stop whilst I was buried in my thoughts. The wires sagged under my weight, leaving my feet within reach of the ground. Jiamin jogged to me with a gleeful expression painted on her features, clearly very entertained by my suffering. I on the other hand probably looked like I came out of the Vietnam war. She asks me how it was, and I groaned. Well, “weh” was more accurate, but I’d like to think it was a groan. She chuckled, her deep voice filling the otherwise empty park. It wasn’t any different from her previous chuckles, but my heart clearly felt otherwise.

It fluttered.

 I mulled over that feeling for several weeks. It wasn’t a foreign concept to me. I’ve heard friends talk about it at the canteen, heard hushed gossip amongst classmates during lessons and dramatized portrayals in media. But why now? Nothing has really changed between us; she hasn’t changed at all. So why now? 2 months ago, I would’ve said her laugh sounded like a dying pig but now I’m not so sure.

I took a glance at her, seated at a table diagonally to the right of me. To the undiscerning eye she was diligently taking notes in class, her face laser focused on what she was producing on paper. But I knew better. She was probably drawing bats and skeletons and anything else that could pass as a villainous henchman in a kid’s cartoon. She never cared much for math, or any other subject outside of recess. She once told me that she didn’t see the point of trying since she wasn’t planning to go anywhere after secondary school. When I pried further, she said “I’m damn stupid. Confirm cannot go anywhere”.

I think the only time I've ever seen her willingly try to study was in primary 5, a year before our Primary School Leaving Examinations. She suddenly became very interested in studying after I told her I wanted to go to Bukit Panjang Government High, a top public secondary school. Maybe she finally realized how important studying was. For that entire year she was buried in textbooks. I swore her head could've become a bookmark. When results came around, everyone thought it was a miracle, some divine intervention from god, that she did as well as she did. But I knew better. She was never one for prayers. We both entered Bukit Panjang Government High and Jiamin went back to slacker mode.

 She turned to me, sensing my stare. We made eye contact, chocolate brown meeting chocolate brown, - yes Chinese kids all look the same – but for some reason I was ensnared.

I felt my face flush red.

I want to die. Please take me now death.

Bewilderment was plastered on her face. A moment passes. Then, as though she was struck with a thunderbolt of genius, her expression turned to a knowing smirk. Death, anytime now please.

She stuck her tongue out at me like the child she is and I, obviously, returned the favor. Because what else do you do when someone flicks their tongue at you? Ok, no death for now.

We shared a quiet giggle before turning back to our work. Well, I tried to. My whole body was consumed by….nice feelings. Warmth that felt like a hug. Butterflies threatening to break from my ribcage. That sort of stuff. It was topped off with starry eyes and a dreamy smile that probably made me look crazy.

I was so glad I didn’t have a tablemate, else I’d be probed on my strange expression. I don’t think claiming that I was merely enjoying the lesson at hand would’ve been believable. If it was it would imply that I was going gooey eyed over first order derivatives. I know I’m a nerd but I have standards. It’s got to at least be partial derivatives in a matrix to get me flustered.

So uh yeah, “mulling” didn’t actually involve thinking about my feelings. More like awkwardly fumbling through the full spectrum of emotions. I should do something about it. Just as I was about to plunge into another train of thought, I received a text from none other than her.

Jiah Lian: Wanna go monti next week?

That’s weird. Monti was a candlelit atas* [Fancy & expensive] restaurant that sat on Marina bay, aka the kind that people bring their lovers to for a proposal and have anniversaries and junk.  I’d been wanting to eat there for months because apparently the pasta is to die for and they cook it tableside (I know, I have spoilt rich girl tastes) but I never really got around to it. I didn’t think it was her kind of thing. If I nagged her enough, she’d probably go with me, but show up in shorts and sandals and complain about spending $58 on pasta.

Trash bag: Sure, but don’t wear shorts

Jiah Lian: Wah, u wan see me naked alr? Pervert

Trash bag: Gross

Jiah Lian: ILY too :)

Trash bag: Wed?

Jiah Lian*: Caaaannnn

[*a pun on the Singlish word “ah lian” which means female gangster]

 Wow. Oh wow. Out of all the things I thought would happen today, seeing Jiamin in a dress was not one of them. To be frank I was expecting her to show up in either shorts or a shirt-pants combo. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t pleasantly surprised though. She was wearing a spaghetti strapped cocktail dress that hugged her in all the right places, accentuating her slim form. The dress slit went all the way up her smooth, never-ending legs, leaving just enough room for the imagination. It was bare back too. The dress probably showed a bit too much skin considering she came from a conservative household, but I’m not complaining.

In a manner that was so unlike the way she was dressed, Jiamin yelled “Rachel!” and hurriedly made her way across the train station to me. She was like a puppy bolting towards its owner when they came home. Adorable.

She circled me once over, eyeing up my outfit in enthusiasm. Seemingly satisfied with what she saw, she gave a smile that ended at the corner of her eyes.

"Wah you damn chio*"[Pretty] She said, gesturing to my dress. It was a simple, off shoulder, A-line affair.

I nudged her shoulder playfully with my fingers.

“You also”

In response, she gave a goofy, ear to ear grin, her normal go-to reaction to compliments. Though this time I could’ve sworn there was a tinge of red coloring her cheeks. Maybe it was a trick of the light.

We made our way to the restaurant, talking about anything and everything from some idiot in history class that declared that they didn’t need to know about Hitler because, and I quote; “all the Jews are dead” (I don’t know how he got into an elite school) to whether or not caviar and white chocolate would taste nice together. Our hands brushed together once.

“In theory it should work because, according to food science, they have similar flavor compounds, like trimethylamine which has a fishy odour. So they – “

“What the shit! Who the fuck thinks white chocolate tastes fishy?!”

“Science does!” I happily sang. “and it thinks white chocolate would be very good with caviar.”

She cringed.

“Eeeeee, fuck that’s damn gross.”

“Hmm I dunno, now I’m very tempted to try it. Maybe I’ll order caviar later.”

She grasped her chest in relief.

“Thank god, Monti don’t have caviar.”

I gave her the most innocent and earnest smile I could muster.

“Then next time, we’re going to a seafood place and I’m bringing white chocolate.”

She looked at me with absolute horror. “I don’t know you! Who is Rachel?!” She proceeded to wander off in faux abandonment. I on the other hand am cackling with laughter. I loved grossing her out with science.

Once I caught my breath I jogged after her.

 Our dinner was filled with idle chatter and a savored appreciation for the food. There was a moment where I thought she was going to place her hand over mine as she lightly grazed it, but in reality she was just trying to steal my phone. I would’ve thought that after the 10th time she’s failed that stunt, she’d know better. When the bill was settled, Jiamin of course complained about the exuberant price of pasta and my 'atas' tastes.

"I can treat you, y'know as 'compensation' for your company."

She snorted.

"You make me sound like a prostitute." We both chuckled. I continued.

"Legit though, I can treat you if you want."

She dismissed me with a wave.

"No need, hanging out with you is treat enough" She had a smirk and a...blush? Or was that the lighting? Doesn’t matter. What does matter is that I've gone into cardiac arrest and I haven’t told my family that I wanted a secular funeral. God bless the dim lighting.

 On our way out, Jiamin's hand brushed against mine again.

Normally I wouldn’t think much of this, but the fact that it’s the 3rd time it happened today and on the same hands mind you,I was a bit perturbed. Jiamin was never shy about physical affection. In primary school she would constantly hold my hand, stating that it felt “nice” or something. I didn’t know why it’d be nice though; I was a sweaty kid; my palms were nasty. A couple months ago she tackle-hugged me because I helped salvage her “hopeless” physics project. In that same timeframe she pinched the crap out of my cheeks after we looked at my old childhood photos when we were at my grandparent’s place. That’s on top of her still holding my hand all the time. Then again recently there’s been a lot less physical affection. Maybe I pissed her off. Eh, she’ll talk about it when she’s good and ready. After all, she’s that kind of person. If you try to crack her open like an egg, she'll call you bitch and stop talking to you for 2 weeks. Trust me, I've tried.

Her hands brushed mine again, though this time she seemed more daring. Her index curled up around my pinky, as if testing the waters. I responded in kind, and she took that as a sign to be bolder. Her fingers cautiously crawled up further and soon our hands were intertwined. My stomach did something that the rest of me could not; a fucking backflip.

 I really didn’t want this night to end so soon and it seemed as though Jiamin thought the same. She suggested that we take a walk along the bay because ‘food coma’. I happily agreed and that’s how we wound up walking along the bay hand in hand.

Her gaze was drawn to the city skyline on the opposite side of the bay, just as mine was to her. Her deep brown eyes hidden among too long messy bangs, petite pink lips and razor-sharp jawline were all illuminated -no- highlighted by the moonlight. She really was something else. I could almost just-

"The view damn nice."

My head snapped to said view. Little boxes glowed with artificial hues of blues, greens, whites and yellows. They peppered the orderly array of skyscrapers, starkly contrasting the night sky. Each building was interwoven with one another, smaller ones disappeared in the shadow of larger ones and the ones that were front and center demanded attention like a whiny 5 year old. Some towered above others in a supposed race to be the tallest, but never in a disorderly fashion. Every tower had its own distinct curves, angles and edges. Shapes that would normally belong in a dull geometry paper were fused together into deceitfully simple artistic hybrids, giving each building its own sense of character. Yet they all managed to fit together nicely into a coordinated group of semi homogenized modernity.

Pristine, structured, and beautiful. Truly fitting for a metropolis.  

 "It’s weird how every tiny box that’s lit has a worker inside" Jiamin gestured to a well-lit office building. She turned to me.

"Do you think our lives are gonna be like that? Working until 8+ in a box then go home and sleep and then do it again?"

I shrugged.

"Maybe? That depends on the job type and-"

"Do you want that?"

My expression furrowed. I’m not really certain of my reply but let it slip anyways. Bad Rachel.

" I-I don’t know. I haven’t thought that far. I mean we're so young and all.”

She quirked her brows.

"Then why you study so hard?" Despite her choice of words, her tone holds no animosity, just genuine curiosity.

"Well, because I like it." Jiamin continued to look at me, expecting more. I took a deep breath and continued. "And also because it gives me security"

"Like it opens up more doors? "

"No. It gives me something..." My eyes searched the ground as though the right words would appear at my feet. I swallowed. "to be proud of"

Jiamin fell silent at that. Her eyebrows furrowed, whether in thought or in sympathy I don’t know, but I hope it wasn't the latter. I don’t need that.

She chewed on her lips, contemplating on whether or not she should say whatever it was that was on her mind. I had half the mind to ask but again, I knew better.

"Sometimes I fail things on purpose."

My jaw dropped.

"What? Why?"

She shrugged.

"People think I damn useless. Like cannot do this, cannot do that. -she brought up her fingers to count - I lazy, stupid, hopeless, cannot make it."

I frowned and knitted my brows, trying to stitch together what she was trying to say.

"So you want to spite them?"

She sighed.

"Maybe. At least I know I'm good at failing"

I fell into silence, letting that sentence stew in my thoughts for a moment. I knew what I wanted to convey but I didn’t know how to convey it right. Neither of us cared much for words of pity after all.

"You know, I heard the best way to say 'fuck you' to someone is to be happy."

"You think I not happy is it?" She growled.

I held my hands up defensively. "No no. That’s not what I’m saying. I'm trying to say that maybe you should consider what does make you happy."

Jiamin paused for a moment, lips pursed in thought. She turned away to look at the skyline again and that was the end of that conversation. There were more words to be said about this topic, but they weren't going to be said today. That's fine with me.

 The journey home was filled with a comfortable silence, the kind that I've always enjoyed with her. Though this time there was an added feeling of warmth and a silly soft smile plastered on my face. I never thought I'd like hand holding this much since primary school.

She followed me to my doorstep, and we embraced in a hug that lasted way longer than it should. As she departed, bidding an I'll text you when I'm home -a mere formality in Singapore- I began to wonder.

Did she feel the same?

 My answer came the next day, when I found a bouquet of flowers carefully tucked under my desk. Attached to it was a handwritten note with an anonymous sign off. I had only read half the note when I realized who my secret admirer was.

The messy scrawl was practically indecipherable to all but the best doctors, but I had seen it far too many times to not know what the squiggles conveyed. I sighed. I told her more than a dozen times that she should've done her handwriting homework, stating that unlike every other mundane piece of work she never did in primary school, this would come back to bite her. Only once had she listened.

It was apparent from the first line of the note. The ‘a’ in dear, in my name and scattered about in every other word that demanded the vowel stood out like a sore thumb. Unlike every other letter which was hideously malformed beyond recognition, the ‘a’s were written perfectly. From the not quite circular tri-pointed body to the tail flick at the end, the ‘a’ was a perfect imitation of the template we were forced to trace over as kids.

I pulled out my phone, shooting my not-so-secret admirer a text thanking her for the bouquet, watching in amusement as her face turned the same color as those flowers.

#original fiction #romance #fluff #original story #fic #singapore #wlw

[popculturebuffet]

The Legend of the Three Caballeros: World Tree Caballeros and No Man is an Easter Island  aka Whelp, Xandra Sucks Now.

Salduos Amigos! We’re back.. and today we have two Cabs episodes.. because the top 20 of 2020 list last week took a day longer than expected, so that meant I had a day of my schedule go thbbt and thus had to compress a bit, like the darkwing reviews i’ve done but not NEARLY as much. And if this works out I intend to do more cabs 2 or evne 3 in ones in the future to help speed along the finale. Still giving Kev his 55 bucks worth mind you, just speeding it up a bit in case anything comes back, and because I have a lot of double and triple reviews coming in Feburary due to a very tight schedule, so might as well train for it now.So with that in mind, WELCOME BACK TO THE RIDE OF THE THREE CABLLEROS, and the legend of the three cablleros. I can fit in what little exposition there is on the way, so on with the show after the cut!

World-Tree Caballeros:  We pick up where we left off last time: Sheldgoose and co are returning to earth, and it’s been a few weeks, in story time, with Sheldgoose exausted and hungry and Feldrake.. not exactly getting that minons need food to live and wanting to jump right into destroying the Caballeros since their right next door.  And while ignoring his minon’s basic needs is just.. dumb, I do appricate that Felldrake is the kind of villian who dosen’t stupidly not attack the heroes if he knows where they are and does try blasting them, with Sheldgoose in his cloak of course to avoid any deniablility. I mean Sheldgoose is impossibly wealthy and in disguise here. No court is going to convict him. But there is a reasonable explination why they can’t do that: since Clinton wasn’t stupid he put up magical protections over the Cabana and while Feldrake COULD break them.. he can’t do it with as little power as he currently has in the staff and has an idea where to get it. But Leopold’s bushed from taking them all the way back from space, to Feldrake’s disapointment so Sheldgoose.. simply offers up his private plane, then uses his mass wealth to get them all the way to their destination the World Tree... yes the NORSE World Tree... in italy. 

Yeah you can probably tell there were some rewrites here. This ep, given it features Yddrasil, was SUPPOSED to be about the Norse gods.. but Marvel didn’t want “brand confusion” with  THE MIGHTY THOR!

Which originally I scoffed at a bit. Mostly because why would you, Disney, one of the biggest brands in the world NOT want a potetinal crossover with your other properties? I mean .. is this why we haven’t had mickey and friends in avengers costumes yet? If so... BOOOO. Why would you buy Marvel without this ever happening? You put fucking light sabers in kickin it, one of your lesser live action shows though olivia holt is neat and Rudy was alright, but... you won’t put MIGHTY THOR, in a donald duck series? Especially since you already used marvel in one of your shows?

The cat is out of the bag.. just let crossovers happen dude. Your not giving us any decent marvel animated series, and only What If is on the docket for now the future. WHy not? I wasn’t the fondest of the idea at first but then I realized “Wait this could be awesome and rediculous”. And again you’ve already hit a low bar for using this stuff.. just use it.  That being said, while we’ll get to it in a moment.. I do get WHY they didn’t let them use the norse gods... possibly.. but it does seem like they really dot’ like crossing the streams character wise and that bothers me it bothers me a lot. 

So yeah the world tree is in the snow capped mountains of italy.. which they might have so touche, and the montage of Sheldgoose getting there is great as is Feldrake’s reaction of “Eh i’ts no leopold”. Aw he loves his monkeybatdonkeyrat. So they open the entrance and prepare to go up the massive flight of stairs... only for Sheldgoose to point out the elevator. Which they take instead. I will say Feldrake’s characteriztation.. slipped a bit in these two. It’ snot bad, he’s by now supposed to be someone who WAS so powerful, they don’t get the concept of finesse and it works better next episode.. but hear a good chunk of the episode is just Feldrake shoutng at Sheldgoose and complaning a lot and even at one point tripping over himself with his own stupidity. We’ll get to that. Point is it’s a bit of a step down from last episode but as a result Sheldgoose gets to shine a bit more with Wayne Knight getting more lines to really go full newman and become a smug yet clever jackass. SO it’s a trade off I guess and it does ballance out next time. 

So back at the Cabs Cabana, our heroes are having pop corn fights, which Xandra joins in on... this was the intro but I put it here...

Point is next time we see them our heroes are all cataloging everything with the girls help, including a positivity totem, this generation’s talky toster. Xandra gets enraptured with a phone but gets defensive when being called out of date and mocked by the girls. This is SUPPPOSED to set up a character arc for her and I was excited for Xandra to get an episode but we’ll get to that disappointment soon enough. The point is our team gets the call to adventure. And Xandra’s excited because the roman gods, old friends of hers are at the world tree. The Roman Gods are what the planets are named after and are mushed together with the greek gods for reasons I didn’t have time to look into. This review is late as is. Point is they don’t get used as much likely because of the planet thing and the greek gods having a wider range of gods at that with better names. I mean Hades just.. sounds more godly than Pluto. Posiden sounds just as badass as Neptune if not more and Jupiter just dosen’t have hte same wring Zeus was.  But for today the only Roman Gods present are Jupiter, Venus and Mars, stand ins for Odin, Frigg and THE MIGHTY THOR respectively in this case but still drawn uniquely. She’s excited to show the boys them and ports them. THIS TIME, the port isn’t you know, stupidly placed and the desert thing seems to have been a one off fluke, and easily could’ve been where a city WAS, but again that could’ve been mentioned. Here it’s just at the foot of the stairs which while inconvient, as Xandra didn’t know about the elvator and Panchito gets on it without thinking to tell the other two who are forced to climb, makes sense: it’s risky to have a direct port to a giant tree that grows planets. Which is also awesome. In the wrong hands the raw power of a tiny planet could be devistating, or someone could make their own galaxy with them as god emeprror if given enough time. Which if you know about the world tree and somehow manage to steal enough planets to make a galaxy of your own without getting caught, you clearly will surivive the eons needed for it.. or could just time speed it up. Point is this place is out of the way for a reason this time, elevator or no.  So then we meet the ROMAN GODS... and they’ve not only clearly aged, but have given up fighting for gardening, with Mars being a decript old man who can’t remember xandra’s name, which given she heavily implies they were a thing is not great, and goes on and on about Tubers. Yeahhhh... I can’t exactly blame marvel for NOT wanting one of their biggest characters depiected as a doddering old man obssed with potatoes. LIke the brand confusion thing is still stupid, I want MIckey, Donald and Goofy as Cap, Iron Man and Hulk yesterday you cowards..., but thinking this would be confusing for kids or would hurt the character a bit? yeah fair enough, a bit paranoid but understandable given Marvel is the backbone of the company these days and at this point, had been massively sucessful with avengers and everything. So I do get it even if I don’t get shifting the setting from the world tree, and suspect there they had to rework the episode during production. 

So we not only meet our gods.. and the reason this isn’t the best episode. It’s not the worst, we’ll get there in a moment, but it’s not very good. And the reason... is Xandra. Her reaction to the gods being out of shape and old and retired, tending to the tree and not really fighting or doing hero stuff anymore is to get upset and wonder how her friends and as we learn later inspiration fell this low. That’d be fine and somewhat intresting. Problem is.. the Gods explain they quit after the titan wars which gave Mars some VERY obvious PTSD tha’ts VERY uncomfortably played for laughs. Look in comedy you can joke about just about anything, that’s the nature of it. But there are some things you REALLY need to tread carefully with. Now Family Guy, and this is late seasons “race jokes and shock humor” family guy mind you, somehow got this with Quagmire having ptsd in one episode where the show was set in diffrent time periods... due to hearing fortunate son over and over in vietnam.

This is actually funny, parodies something else, paticually overblown namsplotation in media and overuse of a great song that really dosen’t need to be used ALL the time in everything. This.. is just “HA he’s rattled because he was in a presumibly bloody war wand given ther’es only four gods left, we see one next episode, they probably all died.. and if they are still alive reincarnated.”. It’s just.. uncomfortable and if this bit was taken out, the episode wouldn’t be great, but it wouldn’t be as odious and Xandra HORRIBLY unsympathetic. It’s not helped by the fact that even without the ptsd.. the gods just watn’t to semi retire. They haven’t given up their duty, their still tending to the world tree.. they just dont’ want to fight or quest anymore because they were in a possibly centuries long bloody war that dwinlded their numbers and clearly left mental scars. Xandra comes off like an insenstive ass for putting her old version of them over the new and while the moral’s SUPPOSED TO BE that she shouldn’t cling to the past and had it simply beeen about her realizing she has to let them be who they are now, it would’ve worked.. instead it’s just “You guys suck because you won’t traumatize yourself more. “. The worst they do is hide under a table instead of fight and again, it’s very clear at least one of them if not all have PTSD. The only thing that keeps this from being truly awful is I genuinely don’t think the writers thought out the implicatoins of Mars line, which while still not a great train of thought to have modern writers not get that, it’s better than nothing. It just sinks the entire episode as i’ts emotional core.. comes off as a snotty teenager forcing some old people into combat and getting rewarded for it.  The other side of the plot is not half bad though. The boys catch Feldrake and Sheldgoose trying to steal the planet, with Feldrake enlarging a bunch of termites we’ve been seeing so far in the episode to attack the cabs. But what really shines is the Cabs. They work well as a team, have camradere, face Sheldgoose with no fear and while they do run from the termites, which look HORRIFYING by the way, and then come up with the hairbrained but still not half bad scheme of covering donald and wood and using him as bait. This ends up working since Xandra rallies/guilttrips the gods into ignoring their ptsd and fighting anyway. I mean “Heroically helping them realize they stil have fight and fighting like the heroes she looked up to”... and then we get the climax which is just awesome.  Sheldgoose and Feldrake get the planet afterall raining metors down so while the Roman gods take those out, Xandra calls on the guys to distfract Sheldgoose and Feldrake so she can snipe the planet out of his hands. How do they do this? Juipiter fast ball specials them up to the asteroid he’s on! If your wondering what a Fast Ball special is.. you’ve certianly seen it but here’s a practical demonstration. 

So yeah that. OUr heroes take it in stride though and awesomely use how much Sheldgoose is irritate dby them to distract him by basically playing whack a mole, so he slowly destroys the ground bellow him, and Xandra snipes him, sapping him of his new god-tier power up and causing his platform to crumble, with the boys escaping falling to earth like the two of them thanks to jose hooking the tree with his cain. As I said this episode shows how far the boys have come: from greedy idiots who were scared.. to true heroes ready to step up, running away when tactically advantageous and easily taking on the main villians and coming up with a plan to beat them on the fly. That.. is what I wanted going into the show and if nothing else this episode gives me that. Also the girls talked to xandra earlier and I missed it. Eh. We do get a nice moment though of the boys telling Xandra she does fit in.. with them. And really as far as i’m concerned she’s one of the cabs, so I like this moment a lot.. I just wish it didn’t ring so hollow with everything else going on.  Overall this ep is okay.. it has it’s moments but the Xandra side of thing just.. drains a lot of the life out of it. What COULD’VE been a solid character building episode makes her come off as a selfish, impatient insenstive asshole who’s trying to crowbar the past in instead of accepting her friends as who they’ve become in the centuries she’s been gone, though Sheldgoose and the boys do keep this from being awful. SPEAKING OF AWFUL. 

No Man is an Easter Island: 

This.. was a rough one. Not going to sugarcoat it. This episode was not very good despite some good segments and despite not mocking a serious mental issue, it’s somehow more obnoxious. The PTSD thing was clearly a mistake.. this.. this was intentional. Let’s tear this one apart shall we? So we open with Sheldgoose and Feldrake where they were last time, Easter Island. It turns out in this unvierse hte moai are actually giant stone men and their heads are the only things visable because the rest of hteir body is undreground, stomping out surfer dude lava lizards who want to come to the surface and burn it. Feldrake.. decides this is a great idea and agrees to help, as does sheldgoose. 

Seriously Feldrake wants to CONQUER the world. In fact he did it once already. We’re not talking about someone like say Negaduck, who I talked about earlier this week: while he MIGHT conquer, he gets just as much joy out of mindless violence and would gladly blow up the world him and all just for the hell of it. Feldrake is your classic evil overloard and wants to RULE the world not destroy it and wouldn’t be happy without something to lord over and terrorize. And Sheldgoose wants the same and is presumibly sticking around to backstab his ancestor at the first opportunity to steal his power for his own. How does setting the world on fire, literally, benefit either of them? Sure they COULD take over int he aftermath, but that’s after the lizards have likely destroyed most of the world, not even taking into account the vast amount of water and infastructure and the size of their home means they’ll run out of troops to use as a living bridge, cool as that is, eventually. Humans would have to invent ways to transport them and given as far as I know we have a through understnading of lava and magma, we’d instead be working on weapons. The lizards woul dmake a good army under the right leadership to sidestep this.. but as a world ending threat while they’d still cause untold damage in lives and suffering, I just don’t see them being enough to conquer the world. It just makes no sense.  The one thing that salvages it and this episode is what happens next, which i’m skipping ahead to because it’s my blog and I do this how I want: Feldrake TRIES just shooting the moai with his magic.. but the one he tries it on just has it harmlessly bounce off.. which given their dealing with magical fire creatures makes sense. So Sheldgoose instead steps in to Feldrake’s reluctance.. and shows his own talents. As a university head and professional asshole, he can manipulate with the best and talks the moai’s into taking a vacatoin, using the staff to hyponotize them so they don’t think about the downsides. It’s.. really fucking awesome honestly, and shows off that Sheldgoose is like the boys: a comical moron yes.. but VERY dangerous in the right cirucmastances. While he did use his great great great grampa’s magic for this a bit with the hypnosis, it’s his manpulations that MAADE the hypnosis work: by giving the moai something they WANT, a vacatoin and a break from a thankfless job, it means they aren’t acitvely trying to break his control no matter what happens and he and Feldrake can focus on freeing the lizards. And on top of that.. Wayne Knight gets one HELL of a musical number, sing talking to the beat as he manipulates and hypnotizes the moai and encourages their partying. While the main plan is dumb the plan to get there is just glorious to watch and Sheldgoose’s finest hour thus far and again we get to hear wayne knight SING. Kinda. And I will not trade that for anything. 

So what are the Cabs up during this? hanging out, playing cards and doing friend stuff like Panchito doing a dive and them catching him. Jose claims nothing could split us up.. and cue Daisy. 

It.. it’d been so nice without her. And you may recall last time she showed up while I didn’t like her or her actions or how it was written.. she was at least KINDA tolerable. Still a total bitch but you know she MIGHT have had a point and we might learn more about her history with donald. 

Yeah this episode cements that this Daisy is awful and Donald is better off without her. She shows up because the girls talked Donald up, beause their angels.. and also because they apparently live with him now? Like.. don’t Daisy, who dosen’t think Donald’s responsible or their parents, whoever the hell they are, have.. issues with them suddenly living with three 30 something men and an xty hear old Goddess. I mean.. that sould raise a few thousand flags, but frankly at this point if your wondering why a child is living iwth a disney character instead of your parents their probably dead or on the moon. That’s not the problem here.  No the problem her is again, somehow twice in a row, Xandra. After great introductions to both the boys to daisy, Jose flirts and Panchito shakes her hand a bit too hard, same as it ever was, Donald TRIES to bring up being a cabllero.. and Xandra prevents him then explains outside after the girls smooth things over why: telling daisy would bring her into his world and all the dangers with it.....

I HATE this trope. I hate it so fucking much. See i’m a superhero guy. I’ve made no attempt to hide this. So you can imagine the number of times i’ve seen a hero hide their ID and use this fucking excuse “They’ll get hurt if they know” or “it’s too much of a risk” or “blah blah blah bullshit reason for not telling my partner the truth”.  Now i’m not saying the secret idtentity or having some sort of secret world saving thing are bad tropes. They are valid stories for a reason. Sometimes you CAN’T: Peter Parker didn’t tell Aunt May because she had a weak heart, Thor dind’t tell jane foster because his dad was a dick who’d go after her any time he tried and when he finally did.. still did shit to break them up. Because Odin is an asshole. Ms. Marvel didn’t tell her parents because she thought they’d stop her and when her dad found out, if sadly breifly, you can guess what happen. Miles Morales didn’t because he was terrified he’d be homeless as his dad HATED mutants, which he thought he was and wasn’t fond of viglantes, and to make matters worse his mother later DIED, she got better as of secret wars, in a spider-man fight, if not thanks to him obviously, so when Miles DID tell him Jefferson abandoned him for months. He’s gotten FAR better since then and really grown as a person, but my point stands: I’ts okay to hide your id at first to protect yourself as a hero: it’s okay to want to make sure a partner dosen’t out you to the press or something and is stable and loving enough before you tell htem. And it’s okay to not tell them something if htey probably wont’ belivie it or might not be prepared just yet. Now if they have some reason to hate the other you you should probably either tell them and see what happens or explain things, like Peter should’ve tried explaning what happened with Gwen’s dad to her, or break it off for their own good, which will devistate them, but is better than lying to them.  And that’s the problem: As Wonder WOman said in a shockingly obnoxious movie, “Nothing good comes from lies”.. and while groosly oversimplified.. is not wrong here. Nothing good comes from lying to your partner day in and day out. I’ts why more modern works have deconscruted it: Miles, again, had a girlfriend named Barbra, but the recent run broke them up.. however they did so cleverly by having Miles refuse to tell her his id despite her having figured it out and her leaving him for hiding stuff from her. That’s what would REALLY happen. A long term partner isn’t going to tolerate you LYING to them and ducking out constnatly to save the world. Eventually you either have to let them go or try and tell them. I’ve been in barely any relationships but I was ALWAYS honest because again, nothing good comes from lying to your partner. Nothing good comes from deciving them and basically gaslighting them for “their own good”. If their with you and your an adventuer, super hero or what have you.. their in danger. So either don’t date them and find someone your speed like another hero or some mythical being, or TELL THEM and let THEM decide if it’s too much. This kind of bullshit is manipulative, cruel and selfish and I thought we’d settled it. 

And while Donald was intending to tell Daisy to impress her, a bad reason i’ll admit... he was trying to be honest. But the EPISODE tries to portray it as a good thing and as him being noble. It isn’t. He’s listneing to a bad person, who has to EARN my good will back after this, whose only in it for herself. No really she only has the two go out because she’s tired of donald pining for daisy. 

I mean i’ts been a month, and the girls are around but she hasn’t come up once during the last few episodes. So this comes out of nowhere and makes Xandra into a selfish jackass who is willing to send her friend off to lie to his partner with NO cover story for his actions to make him look good just to shut him up. This is someone who need I remind you can travel the world in an instant and knows a lot of magical beings who’d understand donald’s line of work. Instead of setting him up with one of them and abandoning daisy she sets up a doomed relationship. Oh and she and the boys whine about being bored without donald. Fuck off.. not you josea nd panchito, while extra dumb this episode the boys just genuinely miss their best friend and it’s endearing. Xandra though.. she can fuck off. As mentioned Daisy is not much better, and spends the date grilling donald about what he does , as AGAIN, XANDRA GAVE HIM NO COVER STORY OR JOB OR ANYTHING. Now granted she’s hundreds of years old, so she probably wouldn’t have a good one anyway... but she’s the one who INSISTs ON IT BEING A SECRET. And as the girls have shown, again knowing that secret does not hurt. Their mission control, Daisy could be too. Worst she could want is to JOIN them and given the boys started with no experince and are now certified ass kickers... why can’t she be one too? It feels less like Xandra looking out for Daisy and more that Xandra just dosen’t wnat her in her club.. which fair but still.  The point is Daisy still treats donald as shifty and worthless, despite no evidence to this as whiel he has his faults doing nothing is not worth them and even says when he tries to spin it as “helping those in need”  “How can you help other people if you can’t help yourself?”

I mean it’d be something to ponder and a great thesis statment.. in another story. Or even in this one.. if it’d been set up that Donald had been irresponsible. Someone willing to abandon others, prone to anger and a bit of a goofus, all true. But it really says how little you think of him Daisy that you can’t even picture him helping people and assume it’s some excuse. That you clearly hate your ex so much, clearly think of him as so much less than you that youc an’t FATHOM he’s doing good stuff and only think he’s gottne better when he pampers you with fizzy water, though it nicely has scrogoe on the bottle so good little nod there, and lobster. Seriously she dosen’t turn around till the girls, dressing up as a waiter , offer that. I..can’t fathom why we’re supposed to root for this relationship between a flawed but hardworking person.. and his ex partner who STILL never apologized for the brithday thing despite his FUCKING HOUSE BURNING DOWN, i.e. e the THING HE WAS TRYING TO EXPLAIN, and then spends dinner doubting he’s doing anything with his life, distruting both him and his nieces. 

And.. it gets worse. Yes.. yes it somehow gets worse. No foolin. So the bell is sound and Xandra FORCIBLY ABDUCTS DONALD FROM THE DATE SHE TOLD HIM TO GO ON. And both come out really bad, if worse on Xandra’s end by a mile. Donald is refusing to go help save the world or whatever for a date with someone that DOES NOT appricate him and only accepts bribes. Tha’ts a dick move even if he dosen’t realize he’s in an abusive relationship to put getting laid over the world’s saftey.  That being said.. Xandra STILL comes off worse. Despite having the moral high ground.. Xandra dosen’t KNOW what the threat is, or if they really need him, drags him out, dosne’t let him explain to daisy, and then barely lets him go back when it seems it’s just a party. Then drags him back AGAIN when their backs are against the wall without feeding daisy an explination or really caring she broke things up just halfheartdly saying she’ll forgive him and Donald saying “You don’t know daisy”. None of them come off well. Again the boys only aren’t loathsomebecause their oblivoius and just want their best friend back. If the other episode hadn’t already damaged Xandra enough i’m DEEPLY worried she won’t be able to walk this one back. Daisy certainly fucking won’t. 

So yeah our heros deal with the moai and the lava lizards, as the boys fail to get the moai to go back to their job and the lizards unleash their wonderfuly weird queen who rides a bridge of them to the mainland.. fucking love that. When things get dire Xandra does aformentioned forcing donald to come back without actually helping him with daisy or just TELLING HER AND OH MY GOD LET’S JUST MOVE ON. Fuck this episode is aggravating me. 

We do get a nice bit where donald’s angry dance inspires the moai to imitate it.. and thus stomps out the laval lizards and gives our heroes an opening, and Donald DOES prove his worth by having the moai do the belly flop from earlier to stop the queen, causing the rest of the lizards to flee and our heroes to win. Yay.. I guess. Donald goes back to find Daisy gone. 

He dosen’t see it that way and the girls say while he’s still a mess, what he did was noble. that sucks, and they leave him a massive bill instead of paying for it with their tips because their the ones who brought in the fancy food to ply their aunt. Fuck. this. episode.  Final Thoughts for This one: I belivie I said FUCK THIS EPISODE. It had it’s moments, the musical number, the moai beach party, my boys.. but the sheer obnoxiousness, cliche plot that has been throughly shredded for good reason and isn’t in use anymore about secret lives, and Daisy, Xandra and to a very lesser Extent Donald all being deeply unlikable. This episode is just REALLY fucking bad. HOpefully the series gets back on it’s feet next time. Until the next rainbow.. I really need a frigging gatorade. I.. I don’t drink booze. This is one of those times I wish I did. Goodnight everybody. 

#the legend of the three caballeros #the three caballeros #ride of the three caballeros #donald duck #panchito romero miguel junipero francisco quintero gonzalez #panchito pistoles #Jose Carioca #daisy duck #april duck #may duck #june duck #lord feldrake #baron von sheldgoose #xandra #reviews #comissions