#ANYWAYS enough rambling. hope you enjoy if you click this!

[sherl-grey]

quick fic for the immortal rose girlies 🥰

#i literally posted this on my way out the door earlier 😂 #and didn’t know if it went through til recently lmao #so we aren’t kidding about quick fic lol. i wish i had time to make things a little weightier but alas #rose’s bday only lasts so long! #happy rose tyler day #i am HOPING that 2024 is the year in which i manage: #rose day + 8/8 9/9 10/10 11/11 and 12/12 #maybe even 10/2 and 10/3 if I’m feeling spicy #but also I’m trying to do bingo and my own stuff so this seems unlikely 😂 #at least I’m on track so far #ANYWAYS enough rambling. hope you enjoy if you click this! #my fic

[indimiart]

just came here from your nievan and astarion comic and it said you love talking about them so hi I want to know more about them :0

hi I do dearly adore them and sometimes I think I’ll never shut up about them so thank you for the ask! 🫶🏼

Nievan was locked in a tower for 70ish years (it’s a long story) and had barely any physical contact during that time. It’s early in he and Astarion’s relationship that he realizes he’s absolutely starved for touch — while at the same time, Astarion’s figuring out his own relationship with physical touch. I like to think they learn how cuddling works together (and at first it’s super awkward, but then something clicks and suddenly they can’t get enough of it).

So at some point the entire party realizes they’re always touching — whether it be their shoulders pressed together, gentle touches to the shoulders and arms, a hand on the hip or waist, a gentle tucking of hair behind an ear, constant little kisses to the forehead and nose and cheek (when they think no one is looking), and of course

Hugs.

Anyway thanks for coming to the ramble I hope you enjoyed

#bg3 #astarion #nievan ilthurin #Astarion learning to love tenderness and quiet gentle forms of intimacy is my favorite thing #baldurs gate 3 #baldur’s gate 3 #baldurs gate fanart #bg3 tav #tav #bg3 astarion #tav x astarion #tavstarion #my art #indimi asks

[vonrov]

Hi hi!!! I’ve got an idea if you’re interested!!

So the reader is an avid literature fan, and they really love Poe’s novels!! One day they meet him and Poe is confronted with the prospect that….. maybe he doesn’t need to keep writing just to possibly stump Ranpo one day…. Maybe he’s already an incredible author deserving of praise,, :’)

^ if that makes sense lol, but I’m super excited to see where your blog goes anyway!! Following immediately <33

a fan?

・ Poe x GN!Reader { Fluff ・ Warnings { None ・ Word Count { 1.3K ・ Masterlist { LINK

It all started when he met a fan. A fan. Someone devoted to his work, someone who enjoyed and loved his writing. He could remember the day like it had just happened. The feeling of his cheeks growing warm, as the tips of his ears reddened with the praise he sought for every time he tried to stump Ranpo with one of his stories.

He also remembers the way he fumbled with his coat and undershirt as the person in front of him would gush and ramble about the different scenes he wrote, the different characters he poured his own attributes into, as well as the attributes he wished he had. He listened with shaky fingers and an anxious feeling bubbling in his chest as they brought up the dialogue he would spend his time reading aloud over and over again until it felt right.

It would be in his next novel, he wrote a character into the ongoing plot who reminded him of the devoted fan he had met out on a walk to gain inspiration.

And inspiration he found.

Inspiration he found in you.

Whenever he felt stumped with his hobby he went on a walk. Down the street, take a right, and pass by that cafe he was always too scared to go into because of how deadpanned the barista looked in the mornings. It was the same route he had met you. Every time he went out on one of his brainstorming walks, he hoped that the two of you would cross paths again.

And like fate intended, that would happen on a random Tuesday about a month later.

The air was fresh with summer approaching as the trees were green with branches full of leaves. A slight breeze flowed about the city, the only thing reminding Poe about his need for a summer wardrobe change soon, as it kept him just cool enough to enjoy his stroll. He walked with his head down, holding a leather-bound book in his hands as he watched his shoes land against the pavement with audible clicks.

“Karl would have loved this weather, it’s a shame he was napping when I left.” He spoke to no one in particular.

“Karl is your pet raccoon, right?”

“Yes, he’s-” His voice got caught in his throat.

He was too lost in his own musings to notice you were right next to him, about to enter the cafe he would usually pass on his walks, clad in a uniform he’d seen somewhere before. It was almost humorous how quickly his expression had gone from deadpanned, deep in thought, to a somewhat frightened look of ‘holy fucking shit’ in a matter of seconds.

He blinked owlishly at you as you just looked at him with a smile.

“Do you come here often?” You pointed at the cafe’s entrance, a crooked smile stretching across your lips as you tried to relieve the awkward tension.

“Uhm- No, not particularly.” Liar. Even though hes never entered the cafe, that doesn’t mean he hadn’t walked past it almost every day when the weather was nice enough for the past three weeks.

“The sugar cookies here are really nice.”

“O-Oh, really?”

“Yeah,” You looked at the cafe doors before turning back to him. “I’ll be considered “late” for my shift,” You made air quotes with your fingers. “If I don’t get in there in a few minutes.”

“Go ahead then, I’ll have to stop by sometime when I can…”

So that’s where he knew that uniform from. His gaze flew to the window as he bit his lip, avoiding eye contact with the deadpan barista who was definitely watching them through the glass. The uniform the barista wore behind the counter was the same as the one you were currently wearing. He looked back at you before speaking, his voice quiet with apprehension.

“Are you guys pet-friendly…?”

Once he had gotten confirmation that the cafe was pet-friendly, for service animals only, he rushed off with the promise of bringing Karl with him on his next visit.

…

It was the next day he walked down the once new path turned familiar with his animal companion in tow. The weather was much like the day before, minus the pleasant breeze. But the heat did not deter Poe as he briskly walked. His shoes hitting the concrete with a familiar clack. Excitement was rolling off of him in waves at the thought of being able to meet up with this devoted fan of his after waiting for a chance to do so for the past few weeks.

“How can I help you?” A monotone voice spoke.

He didn’t realize he was already in the cafe, standing at the counter, Karl on his shoulder, ready to say hello, only for the person at the front counter to not be you.

Instead, it was that blank-faced barista who was always off-putting to Poe whenever he walked by the big windows of the cafe. He could always feel their stare on him when he paced the sidewalks day by day. Only now, he could see the stare and was standing before them instead of walking past the glass.

Well fuck. That’s certainly a way to flip Poe’s switch from 'fine' to 'not fine'.

“Uhm…” He had to say something. Maybe order something? Yeah, that would be a great way to cover up his ignorance of his surroundings. Karl chirped on his shoulder as the raccoon’s tiny clawed hands patted his head. Poe watched in worry as the barista’s gaze went from himself to the raccoon on his shoulder.

“Please tell me that is a certified service animal.” The barista’s tone was unreadable as their eyes moved back to Poe’s.

“Oh- Y-Yes, he is certified. Let me just…” Poe dug around in his coat, unraveling a few yellow-tinted folded-up papers from the depths of his inside pockets. Unfolding the documents and turning them around for the barista to see. He pointed to a few different places on the papers, explaining how Karl is a 100% certified service animal. “He’s a psychiatric certified service animal for anxiety.”

“I didn’t know raccoons could do that.”

“Me neither…”

…

Thankfully, he managed not to embarrass himself further as he sat down with a warm drink that he didn’t remember the name of and a large sugar cookie. There had been other options of course, but you had recommended the sugar cookie for a reason right?

Karl had jumped from his shoulder and rested in his lap when he had sat down. Not wanting to disturb the raccoon peacefully resting in his lap, his gaze shifted about the interior of the cafe, his eyes scanning over the bright pops of color highlighting the various white tables. The turquoise accent wall behind the counter is adorned with diverse eccentric artwork. His focus was broken when the ring of the bells over the door alerted him.

And to his surprise, you had walked in.

While he was hoping to see you, he wasn’t expecting you to show up, assuming you had the day off when he was met with the other barista behind the counter instead of you. He watched as your head swiveled around, making you seem like you were looking for something- or perhaps, someone with how your face lit up when you saw him.

His assumption was further confirmed once you had started walking over to his table. His eyes followed you as you walked over, his head turning as you now stood in front of his table instead of behind him by the door.

“Is this seat taken?”

“No, not at all.” …

It took meeting a fan to realize something.

It took meeting a fan for him to realize that his novels impacted other people.

It took meeting a fan for him to realize, that maybe he didn’t need to write just to try and defeat Ranpo with another mystery novel.

Poe never even noticed his writing had even strayed from the mystery genre and played more with romance since writing in that new character about a month ago.

Authors Note: I actually cannot believe I managed to write all of those in one sitting. I genuinely think this is the first time I've been able to write over 1K words this easily. Whoever made it this far and is reading this, I need to know your thoughts on this.

I really loved writing this. My first time writing with Poe and while I was writing I decided to headcanon that Karl is a service animal because it makes sense. I hope I nailed his character and it isn't occ. There was something else I was gonna say but I cannot remember, it is 11:33 PM and I've worked on this for at least the past 2-3 hours and I gotta get up in the morning.

Comments and reblogs that tell me what you guys liked or little things that you noticed makes my day. My inbox is still open for recommendations, please check out my pinned post before you drop in though.

#vonrov fics #bsd #bungou stray dogs #bungo stray dogs #bsd poe #bsd x reader #bsd x reader blog #bsd x gender neutral reader #bsd x you #bsd x y/n #bsd poe x reader #bungo stray dogs poe #bungou stray dogs poe #gender neutral reader #gender neutral y/n #gender neutral insert #bungou stray dogs poe x reader #bungo stray dogs poe x reader #bsd guild #bsd guild x reader #vonrov #poe bsd #bsd edgar allan poe #edgar allan poe bsd

[safedistancefrombeingsmart]

((click pics for full size))

Do you sometimes read a fic and it just won’t leave your thoughts afterwards? (it happens way too often, thb.)

The current culprit is

I Knew Him First by LipstickDaddy ( @gaylilsherlock here on tumblr)

which has such a powerful ending and left me speechless and a bit heartbroken. I don’t want to spoil anything, it’s best that you read it yourself- it’s not even that long. But we warned: it’s rather angsty and couldn’t be further away from being fluffy or hopeful or light-hearted. Bring some tissues, maybe. You’ve been warned!

@gaylilsherlock was kind enough and let me borrow some lines of dialogue from the fic.

Plus, I also always wanted to see John in handcuffs. 😏 People who follow this blog for a while know that I would kill for John and defend him against everything. But yea, the beating in the morgue should have had (more) consequences. I don’t believe that John belongs in jail, he needs therapy and help and love and I started rambling now.

Anyways, enjoy your broken hearts!

#john watson #greg lestrade #martin freeman #bbc sherlock #sherlock bbc #fic recs #kind of lol #gaylilsherlock #my gfx2

[bloodyknucklesforme]

Ohhhh so I was re-reading Burning Desire, yes it’s me again… the agent x reader anon hehe aaannnnndd I read this line:

“Please... Please…I want to come. Please let me come.” He didn’t sway, holding the wand down harder. You didn’t have a full dom/sub relationship but he would make you regret it if you came without his say-so.

And it made me curious what exactly would happen if you were to cum without his permission, just a little idea for a future fic maybe…

Anyway I absolutely adore your blog and love your work. I hope the universe sends you a wonderful week and thank you for listening to me ramble ���

A/N: This was just horny brain dump. enjoy

Tags: Smut, over stimulation, dom!simon, light bondage, aftercare

"Simonnnn," you moaned. His name had become a more frequent sound since he started going bare-faced around you. He hadn't said anything but you knew by the way his thrusts picked up that he liked it.

"Not yet, love." He rasped in your ear. His chest was pressed against your back in your usual doggy-style position. The head of his cock was hitting against your womb, forcing the air from your lungs. He'd spent almost twenty minutes teasing you before finally thrusting his cock in. You couldn't take it anymore.

"Please!" You cried into the pillow, legs shaking hard.

"Not yet." He was firm but words weren't enough to keep you in line. You clenched hard around him, eyes rolling back as you came. He let out a disappointed sigh. He pushed your head further against the pillow as he fucked you harder. He didn't whisper praises in your ear like normal. No 'good girl' today. He groaned loudly as he came inside you.

"Can't follow orders today, aye, agent?" He pulled out and let you fall flat onto the bed. You could feel his cum drip out of you. "Or maybe you're just greedy."

He got off the bed. You couldn't find the strength to lean up to watch where he was going. You heard your closet door open and groaned.

"If you didn't want me to use them you shouldn't have told me about them." You heard the zipper on the old toiletry bag you used to hold all your toys.

The mattress sank down on either side of you as he grabbed your wrists and pulled them back. Leather cuffs kept your arms behind your back.

He lifted your hips with one hand and you heard the familiar sound of your cordless wand vibrator.

"Simon..."

"Yes, love?"

"What are you doing?"

"Giving you what you want." He murmured, kissing the small of your back as he slid the vibrator between your legs, letting it rest against your clit. It was set to a medium steady vibration that made your toes curl. "You can come as many times as you."

Fucking bastard. You wriggled against the vibrator, sending shocks through your body.

"Be a good girl," He held you firmly in place and turned up the vibrations with one click. You whimpered.

He laid down beside you and kissed your forehead.

"Whenever you've had enough, I'll stop it." He smiled like he wasn't torturing you. It didn't take long before another orgasm ripped through your body. He was stroking your hair during the second one. You were crying after the third and tapped out after the fourth.

"Okay...okay...I'm done...Simon...please." He was quick at pulling away the vibrator and undoing the cuffs. He pulled your trembling body to his chest and kissed your forehead.

"Once you've stopped shaking I'll clean ya up," he chuckled. "Didn't think you'd make it to five tonight. Might have to push ya harder next time, make it an even six."

You groaned, unable to feel your legs, just the throbbing between your legs.

"You feel satisfied now?"

You nodded your head with a weak whimper.

"Good girl."

#simon ghost riley x reader #ghost x agent!reader #simon ghost riley #simon riley #requests #my writing

[voxofthevoid]

Hello! I just finished chapter 3 of 'being slaughtered', which was a delight, and I got the impression that Yuuji's animosity and low opinion of Gojou's entire being is starting to affect Gojou more than he expected, considering it's nothing new to him. The cracks are subtle, but they're there. I wonder how that influences Gojou's growing obsession with Yuuji? Does he feel like he has to prove something to Yuuji? I feel like, in canon, Gojou took such an immediate liking to Yuuji that it kind of unbalanced him in some aspects (when Yuuji died for example) and I feel like in 'being slaughtered' Yuuji's rejection can work the same.

Thank you for the update!! Hope you have a good weekend. <3

I'm glad you enjoyed the chapter! Now watch me sit on my hands to stop myself from rambling a whole essay in answer to this.

Your impression is right! Gojou is more affected than he expected by Yuuji's animosity, though he's definitely not surprised. Like you said, that's what he's used to, and he's well aware that Yuuji has every reason to resent him. The real problem, though, isn't Yuuji's rejection—it's his acceptance. You know the parts peppered through this chapter and the last where Yuuji has to actively stop himself from just vibing with Gojou, and how he doesn't always manage it in time? That's what's tripping Gojou up, especially in combination with the animosity.

I've talked about this before, but what I like a lot about Gojou-Yuuji is their canon chemistry—not even in the romantic sense, but as two people who just click. In this fic, though the circumstances have changed drastically, their personalities are still the same. That chemistry is still there, and there are moments where they get along enough for it to peek through.

Gojou's interest in Yuuji was sparked by his ability to contain Sukuna, and he wasn't lying when he said he saved Yuuji because he (a) hates killing kids and (b) wants to honor Megumi's request, but Gojou's growing obsession is being generously fed by who and what Yuuji is as a person.

Here's a fifteen-year-old kid who never even knew curses existed until he swallowed Ryomen Sukuna's finger the night his only family died, and not only does he accept this freaky new world without batting an eye, but he's also willing to die for the world almost immediately after. Oh, and he has superhuman strength. He doesn't put up with Gojou's bullshit despite being under his power in every sense, but he's also adjusted remarkably well and quickly to being kidnapped and kept in a cabin in the middle of nowhere. On top of all that, he treats the King of Curses like an irritating pest.

Gojou's understandably fascinated.

Ultimately, he simply likes Yuuji; this is not a good thing for Yuuji. Like in canon, the affection is unbalancing Gojou, just in a very different way.

One of the central themes of every version of the story is this: When you're practically a god, who holds your leash? At present, Gojou's moral leash is wrapped solidly around his own hand, and Yuuji's someone he's coming to want, who doesn't want him back but is entirely at his mercy. How much will that grip loosen?

(The tags say, "A lot.")

Look at that, I wrote an essay anyway...

TL;DR: Gojou's got it bad, and the fic's gonna get very fucked up very fast.

Have a good day, anon 🧡

#fic: every version of the story #anon #i love my anons #goyuu

[l0nar1]

Tighnari or Kazuha (or both 👀) x emotionally reserved male reader (like they never show a hint of emotion, maybe this is an angst about how tighnari/Kazuha dislikes that he fell for a boy that supposedly doesn’t have emotions, or just their life with the reader that has no emotion)

Why you?

Genre: Angst

DNI: fujoshis, mlm/nblm fetishizers, non-mlm/nblm

Character(s): Kazuha

Reader: Male reader !

You and Kazuha had known each other for a while. He met you after you joined The Crux crew and immediately clicked with you because of your shared love for freedom and adventure. Kazuha was one of your closest friends and for him, that was the problem.

He didn't want to be your friend. He wanted to be so much more than that. He wanted to be your boyfriend, your lover, but you never shared anything with him. You showed no emotion to anyone including him, so he didn't know if you shared the feelings he had for you.

Sometimes, when Kazuha's thoughts got bad, he doubted that you even liked him as a friend. Since your feelings were never obvious or clear he didn't know if you liked him in the friend way, or if you merely tolerated him. You acted the same with everyone else, though you did talk to him more than you talked to others. He'd always tell himself that to make him feel better, but that didn't always help.

Today was one of those days where he was filled with doubt. You had been hanging out with him all day, but again he was met with no emotion from you. Just a blank expression on your face while he talked about things he enjoyed. It honestly made him feel hurt. He couldn't tell if you were interested in his ramblings, but it wasn't like you told him to stop.

He did anyway.

Kazuha felt frustrated with himself as he watched you walk ahead of him, though his face showed his usual calm expression. He stayed silent for the rest of your stroll.

"Are you alright?" You asked once you two were away from the crowded streets, blank face still present.

"I'm fine." Kazuha reassured, though he was obviously lying. Kazuha never just stops talking, and even though his face remained the same as it always did, it had a hint of sadness to it.

Kazuha would be lying if he said that his heart didn't flutter after you asked, but his doubts crept up on him again once he remembered that you do this with everyone. You may not show emotion, but you take care of the crew and even other people. He would say that caring for others is the only emotion you do ever show, if he could even count as one. Whenever you "expressed" concern it sounded and felt empty and lifeless, like you didn't actually care. Kazuha wouldn't even count that as expressing emotion, since there was no actual expression happening.

You stared at him for a second and then turned around and kept walking, resulting in a disappointed frown on Kazuha's face once you turned away.

Kazuha looked at the scenery and silently thought to himself. 'Why...why did it have to be you? I wish I didn't like you. I should stop liking you. That would be the smart decision wouldn't it? Liking someone so monotone and emotionless isn't good for anyone. Perhaps I should leave tomorrow and do some solo traveling. Yeah, i'll do that.

If the wind guides me back to you then maybe, just maybe, it's meant to be.'

He wanted to give himself a bit of hope for the future, but it's not like it mattered. All the false hope he feeds himself just made the feeling of sadness and disappointment worse when nothing happened.

He just needed to accept the fact that he'd never know how you feel, and that you probably would never feel the same.

He just needs to let you go.

------------------------------------------------------

Sorry I didn't do both. I don't really know Tighnari's behavior yet and I didn't want to make him ooc. I hope this was angsty enough and fit your liking. Tbh writing an emotionless character proved to be a bit challenging, so I'm scared of it not being good 😭

Thank you for requesting! If you want to request a story pls request on my main account @bell4lan ! I will be using that account from now on ^^

#genshin x male reader #genshin impact x male reader #kazuha x male reader #genshin angst #kazuha angst

[reserved-system]

February Stars [HSBB]

Picture this, you're on a losing streak in life. Maybe you're having car troubles, just got dumped, or you bombed that test you thought you studied well enough for. Some time passes someone new is introduced into your friend group and at first you don't click, maybe you have a few interests in common, sure but it's like you only manage to see them at parties. You stop partying for a bit to get yourself back together and a close friend reaches out and invites you to their party, and you decide fuck it and go. During the party, you notice that friend from the group you don't know very well and decide to take a chance.

Now you may be left asking, what happens next? I guess you'll just have to read the wonderful fic this piece is based on!

[Link here!]

Hope did a wonderful job and tugged at my heart strings a little bit (/pos) and above all else had us cracking up the entire time we worked with them and the rest of our team! Let's go show them some love, shall we? Yet another massive shout out to the mods and admins for putting this event together! Check out the #hsbb 2023 tag for more works and fics like this!

Extras under cut - Wips, rambles, the whole nine yards, you know the drill!

GOSH. I don't know where to begin! How about with some stats?

This piece seems like it didn't take us as long as the first piece did because we actually scrapped our original piece and opened a new canvas. So over the roughly 2 month span, this is how we're looking!

Then we get to move on the the original sketch <3 So what I was going for was the ending scene when they're laying in the grass holding hands and Jimmy is talking to Tango. So this piece is a top down view which I've never attempted before so it was interesting trying to figure that out!!

ALSO. You can see us here playing around with our new art style ;^]

My one regret with the piece is I wish we kept the canvas zoomed in to the point all throughout the piece. You can tell where we zoomed in a lil too close by the thinner line weight in some areas but other than that I still like it. I loved working with the thicker lines.

So we once again failed to get any in progress shots of the background, just some shots in between the shading and the back lighting.

Colors colors colors! You can actually see Tango has a different facial expression in these. We played around with in for a few days until we found something we liked. You can also see us play around with other colors too.

And one last shot to appreciate the shading. <3

And now, bloopers!

Just a small collection of concept sketches from our first, scraped piece! It would've shown the rest of the backyard, porch, and Ren partying in the background.

Anyways, thank you for reading our rambles! Whether you're here from a reblog, from the fic itself, or were already following us. I hope you enjoyed! Be sure to keep your eyes peeled for the rest of our pieces for the event.

From the Reserved System, Happy HSBB everyone!! <3 <3 <3

#reserved system #hermitshipping big bang #hsbb 2023 #hermitshipping #team ranchers #tangotek fanart #tangotek #jimmy solidarity #jimmy solidarity fanart #solidarity gaming #hermitcraft #hermitcraft fanart

[beneathashadytree]

Hi Maya! Congratulations for 2K, I'm very happy for you!! ❤️❤️❤️ let's aim for 3K, 4, and even more in the future ✨ for the event, may I ask for combination of 59+66 smut with Albert from Yuumori? feel free to skip this one if you feel uncomfortable to do so. And lastly, thank you! ❤️

SEDUCED - ALBERT MORIARTY X READER

Warnings : light NSFW but nothing too descriptive, makeout session, reader is gender-neutral!

Genre : spicy ig?

Word count : 0.9K words

Additional notes : Hi nonnie! Your sweetness really made my day, and I’m so glad to have been writing so long for kind people like you! As you can see from my life updates, I wasn’t physically capable of writing this before now—but I hope I did your request justice, even if I posted it so late!🫶🏽🫶🏽

Prompts : “Are you trying to seduce me? Because it’s working.” “Enough of that, let me fuck you.”

Requests are open for my 2K+ followers event! Check it out <3

Tip jar if you’d like to buy me a Ko-Fi!

Masterlist

“How about this?” they asked, spreading their arms out as they showed off their newest bespoke pants, paired with their favorite specially-tailored white shirt.

Albert’s emerald eyes almost burned a hole through the fabric, trained on their figure as they traced a track across their entire front. Wordlessly, he gestured for them with his index finger to give him a turn, and they obeyed—despite their slightly reddened ears, that is. His stare did things to them, as it often did, and still they felt it on their turned back… and on other places.

They began to speak freely, rambling a bit with the nerves that refused to leave them whenever they were in a room alone with Albert. “I had it done earlier this week, though I’m still not sure whether I’ll venture out with it, or keep it for more casual settings.” Flicking at an imaginary piece of lint, they went on. “It’s, uh, a little tighter ‘round the bottom than what you’re probably used to seeing, I’m sure.”

With that, they twirled one last time, enjoying the way the collar ruffles of their pristine white shirt danced with the movement. The airy fabric was something they were rather fond of. Looking up, they met Albert’s smoldering gaze, equal parts sensual and wicked. Something about his eyes made every look like an intimate caress, and this one was no different.

Swallowing thickly, they watched as he slowly approached them, the heels of his oxfords clicking against the floor of their room. It was sparsely furnished, compared to most of the mansion’s other rooms, and the sound echoed in a way that had them anticipating what he’d do the moment he’d—presumably—get his hands on them.

With only a few centimeters separating them, Albert was close enough to shake their nerves all over again. A tingle ran down their spine at the very thought of what his rosy lips might taste like if they dared take the half-step forward, or what his large hands might feel against the nape of their neck in a firm grip. Some peculiar ache grew deep in their belly at the shockingly vivid thoughts.

Before they could re-enact one of their daydreams, Albert’s hand had already reached out to stroke the side of their neck ever-so-gently. With each caress, they could feel their stiffness melt away, and a moan almost escaped their lips at the sensation. It felt good; better than good, even, paired with his devilish half-smirk and the unconcealed mirth dancing on his face.

He arched his brow at their reaction, probably seeing something in their own eyes that they couldn’t see but knew was there; they knew their eyes were probably unfocused and hazy with the undeniable lust that was slowly growing within them. One daring thumb gently brushed against their lower lip, prying their lips open. "Are you trying to seduce me?” he asked, before chuckling, “Because it's working.”

“Err.” They paused, unsure of what to say. What does one say, anyway, when faced with such a magnetic force of nature? Certainly nothing too intelligent, because their mind was currently void of all thoughts that weren’t scrambled by his very touch. “I mean, I really only wanted your thoughts on my new clothes. I rather liked them myself, and I do value your opinion, so I don’t think seduction was my intention.” Rushing to correct themself, they hoped he hadn’t gotten the wrong impression of a rejection from their words. “Although, don’t get me wrong, I honestly have no qualms against any… um, further developments…?”

Inwardly cringing at their phrasing, they watched as amusement flickered across Albert’s face. Really, they were only making a fool out of themself the longer they rambled on. “What I’m trying to say is, though I did want to initially show off the inverted seams on the shirt and the brilliant fit of the trousers, I’m all for a little, er, debauchery you could call it? Or if that isn’t—“

Albert shook his head in something that looked like exasperation, before taking the plunge and leaning in to absolutely blow their mind away with the sensuous kiss he bestowed upon them. A little rough as his teeth nipped at their lower lip, it served as the perfect distraction as one hand dug into their messy hair, while the other cheekily drifted down to rest on their bottom that they so boasted in this outfit.

Dazed by the overwhelming scent of him permeating their personal space and the sensation of his heavenly lips on theirs—and oh God, was that his warm tongue too?—they could feel themself begin to slip down, down, down, their knees weak and wobbly with the intensity of it all. Before they could probably pass out in his arms, he pulled away, with eyes that burned brighter than they’d ever seen. It wasn’t difficult to tell what sort of emotion drove him to look at them like that.

"Enough of that, let me fuck you. I’m certain there isn’t enough blood in my head right now to think of what a reversed seam might possibly be." With a jolt of surprise, the position they were in—with him so deliciously pressed up against them—meant that they could feel what he meant right against their belly. Their face warmed as their blush intensified at the realization.

“Inverted seam—“

Another devouring kiss stole their breath away, before he emerged victorious once more at having shut them up so skillfully that only a small, needy whimper could leave their mouth as he pulled back and let his hand caress them from behind. “Couldn’t care less right now, my dear. My mind’s busy conjuring up all sorts of images we could recreate on that bed behind you… if you’ll so please?”

Taglist : @sherlockscumslut @lilias-highlights @whitecelluyu @wifeofkyojuro

#imagine #oneshot #anime #smut #moriarty the patriot #yuukoku no moriarty #yuumori #mtp #ynm #albert moriarty #albert moriarty x reader #albert moriarty oneshot #albert moriarty smut #ynm albert #ynm albert moriarty #yuumori albert #yuumori albert moriarty #albert x reader #albert oneshot #albert smut #albert james moriarty #albert james moriarty x reader

[melodraca]

Hey! I saw in one of your posts, in the tags, that you were an English major. I'm going to college soon, and I was wondering if you had any advice on picking out your major. What do you like about majoring in English, and what exactly do English majors do? Thank you!

First of all, congrats! That's really exciting! I really hope you enjoy your time in college! Second, this is gonna be a bit long, so I apologize in advance o7

I'm honestly not sure how helpful this is, but for the longest time I didn't really know what I wanted to do. I actually enrolled in university as a mature student a good 5-ish years after I graduated high school. I was so tired of school-related stress (and the way that the public school system functioned in general) that I was honestly considering not even going to post-secondary. I bounced between different potential majors, although I couldn't help but feel tired just thinking about them, like I would be going to school out of obligation or societal expectation rather than genuine passion.

When I came back around to the idea years later, I started poking around my local university's website. As I was going through, reading everything over, and clicking through different subjects, I realized that I was actually really feeling excited about school for the first time... pretty much ever. Because I realized that I had the chance to do things at my own pace, with a focus on subjects that I actually liked, rather than what my family expected would get me a traditionally "good job."

I narrowed my major down to a choice between English and creative writing, but I ultimately went with English. As much as I love creative writing, I prefer doing it as a hobby. It's the same with art for me: getting too serious with it made me feel less passionate and creative (to be fair though, I did take two first year creative writing classes as electives and I am genuinely proud of the stuff I wrote for them!)

With English, I could do my favourite thing in the world: overthinking literature and talking ad nauseam about the media I like. I love rambling, and writing essays is pretty much just organized info-dumping. I also wanted to learn more about history and culture, especially the way that they influence and are influenced by the works of literature, film, etc. of the times. In my experience so far, English classes have mostly consisted of reading or watching a bunch of texts, analyzing them & picking them apart, discussing said texts with my peers, and comparing/contextualizing them with each other. It's way more fun for me than it probably sounds to most people haha

Side note: I'm also taking biology as a minor (specifically with a focus on zoology because I love animals). The contrast between using the more creative and writerly side of my brain, and the more logical sciencey and side works well for me.

I'm still not super career focused, though I have certainly thought about it. I'm on disability support right now, so thankfully I'm fortunate enough to not need to juggle work and school. Ideally, I would love it if my degree landed me a stable job that doesn't make me feel miserable or put the same strain on me that retail and food service do. But I'm kinda just going with the flow for now.

Anyways, that's all to say: look over all of your options and narrow it down to the ones that draw your interest and passion the most. Consider what you want out of school, explore the potential career options that each subject could bring if that's your goal, and generally go with what makes you feel the best.

I know most schools have exploratory courses and academic advisors that can help you figure out what you want to do, so I would definitely look into that! Oh, and look into the required classes for each subject too! It personally helped me organize and prepare for everything I would need to do so that I was less blind-sighted by, as an example, my mandatory statistics class for my biology minor (I'm DEFINITELY not a math person)

Good luck, and I'm sorry again for how long this got! I wish you the best :D

#asks #gabeposting #it's like 2am rn so I hope this actually makes sense and isn't just me rambling #thanks for the ask btw!!

[prism-stone-planet]

Ok so here’s my long ramble-y thoughts about Idol Land Pripara after playing it for a bit. I’m just gonna write what pops into my head first lol so anyway:

Coordes

I really love pretty much all the new coordes I’ve seen, they’re all very cute and pretty and very Pripara esque imo however the only downside is that some of them cost real money and are pretty expensive, even the non new ones and the ones that cost silver Idollars can be quite expensive too

It also sucks that some coordes are locked behind the paid gacha and it’s rates aren’t the best (1.5% or something chance of getting a Premium Pripara Rare so good luck getting Amari’s Cyalume) and there’s no spark system. If you get doubles you get points that contribute to your gacha meter that can get you Silver Idollars, Promise Tickets, Exchange Tickets or Gacha Tickets but you’re mostly gonna get Silver Idollars and Promise Tickets which idk doesn’t feel like a fair exchange.

I do like the Coorde sorting system compared to the Switch game tho

Silver Idollars

One decision I’m baffled by is how Silver Idollars expire at the end of the month. I thought it was because Silver and Gold Idollars were the same except Gold are paid and they didn’t want people saving their Silver so they’d never need to pay for Gold but there’s some stuff you can only buy with Gold and some you can only buy with Silver and you can’t buy Silver Idollars or (to my knowledge) exchange Gold into Silver so why does Silver expire???

Live Promises and Songs

Live Promises are fine enough, it plays pretty much like the Switch game and I like that you can just tap anywhere on the screen to play and not the button. I also appreciate the screenshot button but idk it feels too small to me, I keep missing it when I try to click it. I also find my phone gets really hot when playing Live’s and a lot of Making Dramas aren’t in E.g Baby Monster just gives you After School Heart Dash or whatever it’s called

There’s a small selection of songs rn which is a shame especially since a lot cost money but I hope they add more soon especially ones not on the switch.

It’s nice you can pretty much play Pripara as much as you want by doing other people’s Promises but you get so little Idollars and Likes compared to doing one you created. I’ve also found that a lot of times when I go to join a promise, it’s already full. The promise list also loads slowly. It’d also be nice if it asked if you wanted to change your Coorde before doing a Promise.

Also this is a nitpick but only Lala’s voice plays with the new Welcome to Idol Land making drama and not mychara voices. Also found a glitch where mychara voices get put as Genki even though I set mine at Ootori or whatever it’s called.

It also sucks with Live Promises you can only play as anime characters if you do official promises that have them and even then you can’t change their Coorde.

Snapshot Promises

I really enjoyed doing these in PriChan but it’s a shame that they give less Likes than Lives (at least I’ve found) and you can only take one pose pic of your character and the rest are other players characters. Like, I don’t really wanna take pics of random strangers characters lol

Photo Studio and Photos

This one’s kind of a let down. I think it’s paid only via the Monthly Pass but I forgot to check before I bought it. There’s only a handful of poses and pre-existing backgrounds and the photo quality is so crunchy?? Also speaking of photos, I kinda hate that I have to upload it to Pristagram if I want to save it in good quality to my phone. I’ve found it takes forever to upload and it doesn’t even indicate to you that it’s uploading because the screen just freezes and I had to try and upload pics twice today because it wouldn’t work the first time

Anime

Talked about it a lot before so won’t talk about it a lot here but I’m still disappointed they didn’t decided to release official English subs for the anime especially after subbing Primagi and making the game region free.

But I think the anime is the best thing to come out of the game, Amari is a great character, new songs are great and the animation is great

Other

Nitpick but it’s a shame the rank system is different now. Now it’s just rank 1 or rank 2 instead of like “Fledgling Idol” or “Kami Idol”. Also the lovely Coorde change jingle glitch that plays even if you’re not wearing a lovely Coorde that’s from the Switch still exists :/

I think that’s all I can think of rn. Overall the game could definitely be improved especially with how it took 3 years of delays to release like this. I also hope we get more character parts soon especially the fluffy pigtails because I wanna make my character Dia. Sorry this is so long lol, if you made it this far then thanks for reading

#pripara #idol land pripara #shadows thoughts

[shinyzango]

Genuine question, coming from an artist, writer and new user of Tumblr.

How you interact with people on the platform? It seems easy but somehow I get really anxious trying pull the move. Hell! I’m even asking you anonymously about a simple advice. I’ve seen you make contacts and acquaintances here Tumblr with other artist on the platform. The anxiety might come from being afraid of being judge or even harass to no returning point but genuinely, I wanna know (I’m very eager to write my own pokepastas, aus and much more).

You don’t have to answer this since your blog has any really about that, just need a small advice to know how to “surf” here.

- DLC.

Well to be completely honest, I'm the last person you should ask that dkfgjnsdkgb

As much as I've made a lot of friends on here, I'm still shy as hell when it comes to actually interacting with someone. If I do it's usually after a long time of me following them. But it's mainly a me thing, I need time to get comfortable with a person and see if they're someone I'm comfortable talking to.

And to be fair, I should return being more active publicly. I used to be a lot more open and chatty in the past (even tho it was mainly for venting and such, which I stopped doing because I don't want to spread negativity anymore). Hopefully I'll return being more active soon.

Anyways uuuh I got lost in my own stuff, let me get back on track.

My advice is to do your thing, just have fun. Look around. Share and enjoy that you love. Leaving comments in the tags or even in replies will do a lot to help break that ice on the long run.

But in my opinion the golden rule is to not rush things. Get yourself comfortable first. Know your limits. If you're sharing your content, do it because you want to share it, not to have people talk to you. It sounds dumb but it's a really important point to keep in mind.

As for the anxiety over being judged or harassed, I know that feeling, and the advice I can give you is to take a breather and just be yourself. As long as you are honest, things will eventually click. And if it doesn't, then it's no big deal. You won't click with everyone, and that's ok.

But take my advices with a pinch of salt, this all comes from someone who is generally socially awkward and takes a lot of time to get comfortable enough to speak to strangers and/or in new environments.

I still hope this long rambling managed to help out even a tiny bit :'D

[press-f-to-rat]

So. I might have done a thing. A friend (LOOKING AT YOU @kingassblast ) got me into Darkest Dungeon. And I got attached to Bigby and now I've been writing about my new favorite little scrungly pretty much non-stop.

We were just rambling to each other in DMs when suddenly, I had an idea for a prompt: "Paracelsus' research of the Beast finally amounts to something."

And so, I got to writing a little bit :))) Naturally, this isn't canon compliant, but simply a little what if. I know a lot of people (Myself included) really like to make Para and Bigby friends, so. I wanted to write a little something that perhaps would create a rift between them :) a little angst, as a treat :))

Anyway, that's enough rambling from me. Hope you enjoy!! It's below the "read more" :)

'Y-you created your own?!" Bigby's voice thundered through the air, shaking all the delicate glassware Paracelsus kept in her laboratory. "A-and not just that, but—You...you inflicted it upon yourself? V-Voluntarily?!" His voice trembled with some form of horrified rage, that anyone would willingly bring his own wretched curse upon themself.

Paracelsus, on the other hand, spoke with her typical level-headedness, though she could not stop the flow of cool indignation bubbling up from deep within her. “But think of the progress that will come of this! Should you not be glad that perhaps your curse might bring about some good?"

“What g-good could outweigh the d-damage done by bringing another m-m-monster into the world?!"

She could see the green ichor bulging in his veins with every word, the outlines only growing more apparent with his rage.

“Bigby," the Plague Doctor countered, "I have it entirely under my control. My experiments have made sure of that. It cannot harm anyone unless I will it.”

“Th-That is what it wants you to think! And then—wh-when your guard is down—it will exact i-its vengeance!" His voice felt edged with the bile of his blood, seeping from the dark recesses of his mind, where the Beast lurked. Betrayal—That was what this was! She had betrayed his trust! He had thought she would help him—Use the Eldritch poison in his veins to ease the curse. But this! No, no good could come of this. This was madness.

“If I knew that th-this is what y-you were going to use m-m-my blood for, then—I n-never would have let you h-have it.” The words burned in the air where they hung, hot with fury and pain.

There was a pang in Paracelsus’ chest—Was that guilt? Oh, but she knew guilt, and she knew how to bottle it away in her mind like any other poison she’d dealt with. “Then you’re simply ignorant to the potential it holds.” She hissed.

Bigby said nothing. Instead, his blood boiling with rage, he stretched his lips into a snarl, showcasing row after row of sharp, animalistic fangs. A roar erupted from his throat as he tore out of her laboratory, nearly ripping the door off its hinges and slamming it behind him so hard the building shook.

The Plague Doctor sighed wearily, removing the thick, leather gloves she wore to reveal her own hands, unexpectedly transfigured into scaly claws. She flexed her fingers and clicked her ebony talons against one another, feeling her brows furrow beneath her mask. Perhaps that conversation had affected her more than she thought.

Perhaps… perhaps this was a mistake.

But there was no going back from here. Her choice was made, and no matter what happened, she would have to live with it.

It was only now that she took the time to question… What had she done?

#darkest dungeon #fanfic #we love it when para reverse engineers whatever monstrous alchemy brought about the beast #and then uses it on herself because why not #she is the embodiment of #you were so preoccupied with whether you could that you didn't stop to think if you should #also bigby has a stutter because i saw another writer give him one #and i loved their characterization of him so much that i osmosed it into my own interpretation of him

[astrum99]

@patronsaintofdemons from original post

*runs at u* *snatches u by the arm* *shaking u shaking u* I GOT U. YOU RE NOW A VICTIM OF MY THOGHTS . DO NOT RESIST. 

No joke I woke up yesterday morning at 4am, saw ur tags, and couldn’t get back so sleep for a whole hr bc I got so excited to talk abt whatever funky waves my brain is generating ( I am at peak obsession right now, I am generating enough energy to power a small city))

Sorry if I’m being awfully deranged. I'm not used to being Comprehended and Perceived as an existing entity. Please excuse the part of me that is vibrating so hard I am about to emit light beams from my eyes like some sort of cartoon character. Anyways.

Ultrakill, so far, doesn’t actually have a super complex lore. The story is succinctly simple and tragic. The characters as well. I won't focus on that because my obsession lies in Gabriel. From your tags, it looks like you haven’t gotten deep into the game (yet), so I don’t want to spoil the fun if you ever decide to watch a playthrough of the game, or play the game yourself.

And I can avoid spoilers because, for this post, what I latched onto is not his character arc, but his inherent setting of “an angel”.

“Why are you thinking of an angel”

Well. For starters. I wasn’t thinking about angels at first. I was thinking about his thighs and what he got down there. 

Stay with me. The horniness is fading. The poetry is starting. (shaking you)

Click see below.

No? As if you had a choice.

Jokes on you, I lied. This is less of a poetry and way more of an incomprehensible ramble on why Gabriel is irresistible to me. I hope you enjoy it anyway. <3

Humans are largely made of storytelling and wonder. A desire to strip back layers and layers until a deep, concise answer is found. Then we move on. The study of magic: biochemistry, aerodynamics, fusion physics. We boil the universe down to the barest essentials, then examine some more. We looked inside ourselves: blood, plasma, enzymes. Until we reach the concept of consciousness and suddenly, we are incapable of going further. Attention turned to the sky: planes and rockets; astronomy and “what happened before the Big Bang?” in a child's voice. And we saw that the stars were moving further away from us, faster too, and we thought "we'd have to keep going."

It is at these ends that things become interesting. Never-ending debates of questions that will never be solved because of our inability to go beyond the limits. Reaching the skybox of the universe and unable to do anything more than to speculate what lies further still.

It is no wonder that the thought of an angel captivates man. If it exists, then its nature of being far outside of our observational capability becomes the ultimate lure for artists and scientists alike.

For example, what form would it take? A question of pure speculation, no different than a child's image of aliens. Brainstorming shapes and curvatures and weight in the three-dimensional space, fruitless and fantastical.

An abstract form, perhaps. So abstract that it becomes a type of cosmic horror or a Lovecraftian horror. The burning of eyes, the melting of mind. To lay eyes on it is to condemn yourself to death. Radioactive elephant's foot. We'd try to see it regardless.

A holy being, perhaps. Formed like a man but spills pure light when cut. Would it even cut? What does it mean if the imperfect blade made from the hands of a lowly man had sliced through its skin? Skin? Does it have skin? Like a salamander? Like a leopard? Can a creature’s skin contain the light of god? …Would it leak like a broken puppet? Does it sometimes hate itself like how some of us hate the silhouette of our shadows?

A man, perhaps. Uncertain if it became an angel because the mold of humankind was filled to the brim with divinity, or if it is divine because the pile of carbon assumed the role of an angel. Does it know? Does it wonder? Does it see man in itself, and itself in man? Does it feel lonely to be separated from its lightless siblings that wander the earth freely and sinfully?

And if it is man, as physical as it can be, how close am I to it? …What makes you sacred? Can I see? Can I touch? Can I study your form as millions of humans studied every inch of their world, concrete and abstract? Do you see me as ants? Or family? Would you grieve for me as I have for the songbird?

If I cut you open, will you hold yourself down for me?

Will you forgive me for desecrating you like so?

I think I would be ok with dying by your hand if it is you: let me trade my sight to see you, let me trade my life to touch you. To know you is to cross the limits of the beasts. Sacrilegious.

… And I don’t think you’d allow me to. It’s not in your character. Another angel perhaps, from another story. But I’m thinking of you. And so I can only think, like ancestors before me, and descendants after me. Of the study of magic, of self, of sky.

Of angels.

Truthfully, I’m not a believer in a higher being, never have been, probably never will; but standing on the boundary between life and death and yearning to know the feeling of an angel’s skin under my fingertips are the closest thing to a prayer I have ever experienced. Passion burns; I tend to the fire.

And it’s so regretful that I will never know (because you are an angel) and I will never know (because you are born of fiction) and I am never supposed to know (because to completely understand something or someone is to remove the wonder and hope and passion - like how life without death is timeless and still).

So, this is a love letter of sorts. Because I can’t be the only one craving to know every crease and crevice of this holy being made wearing the same shell as a creature who roams the earth blindly, bumbling, and mad.

------

By the way, please excuse grammar issues. Both my writing in the original post and this one are messy and not thoroughly edited. I just type my brain words out in one setting (partially because uni is in full swing). Sorry if this is on the too-long side of things. I was 700 words into my take on human storytelling before I went: “wait, I’m going way off topic” haha Hope this version is more palatable!

Also just wanna let you know: I just started posting my writing, so your tags were one of the first few that came in and got me really excited! I’m always so happy to read the tags of people who enjoyed my stuff. Thank you!

#gabriel ultrakill #<- im really sorry for flooding the tag #but this is abt the character #and so far i haven't made a tagging system yet #i'll consider one if i keep writing #sorry!!! #also i love tags i adore them everyone that tag gets a kiss on the cheeks from me (and everyone that dont gets a hug anyways) #im not used to being perceived and I'm so happy yall like my stuff <333 #az thoughts

[milo-hypno]

hellohellohello!!! wanted to pop in and say i just finished reading aftershocks!!! i kind of ended up pulling an all nighter for a completely unrelated reason (read: energy drink o.O) and about two and a half hours ago i landed on your fic series!!! i was very intrigued by the premise so i sat down at my desk, put on some will wood and the crane wives in the background, and read through the entire thing in one sitting!! and let me say: holy SHIT!!! HOLY FLIPPITY FLOPPITY FUCKITY FUCKING HELL SHIT!!!!!!! that's probably very incoherent but hey, i haven't slept in 26 hours xD!!!

anyway i wanted to say that your writing is like. so brilliant?? it's gorgeous and it really shows how much dedication, love and time went into it. all of the wording felt so deliberate and i, on multiple occasions, found myself jumping up and down in my office chair, phone in hand, squealing like a mad man because certain scenes just!!!! gave me brain worms!!! the transition from xelqua to grian was written AMAZINGLY, all of the hermits felt so true to themselves and i could hear the stuff you'd written them to say, in their actual voices!!! like!! that takes genuine talent!!

i could genuinely ramble on and on and ON, about every little detail about your fic, praising you every step of the way because you did an AMAZING job. the way the watchers were described as essentially being demigods but not quite, the way grian could see code, not just see it like xisuma can, but actually SEE it and observe how everything interacted with everything else was genuinely a brilliant spin on the fan depictions!! the history that mumbo and grian had being hinted at throughout the entire thing and then when they finally met, things started to click into place even more, the way you described mumbo as grian's home, referred to him as "home"!!!!! holy shit!!!!!

sorry that this ask is like a million words long but !!!! there is so much to say !!! i am currently recommending this fic to literally everyone i know even if all they've done is watch One hc video or heard of ccmumbo or something!!!! it's just!! i cannot wait to reread it when im not running on far too much caffeine so i can slowwww down and really take everything in again. im really glad the switch from platonic to romantic occured because it felt so natural? like these characters were written to love each other from the very start, even though you didn't quite intend that until later.

i think that might be enough of my rambling for now!! but don't be surprised if i return later on with more to say because AAAAAAAAA. your writing genuinely blows me away.

Hi mate!! Let me tell you; that's a rather fitting backing soundtrack!! I didn't listen to much Crane Wives while writing, however Will Wood was 100% on the playlist.

Thank you so much!!! I'm really touched to hear that mate - I put a lot of love into this series, and to hear that it comes across will never not make my day!! :D

One of my favorite parts was writing the code interactions, actually! Well, of the lore anyways dkljfh - I actually have plans to explore that idea at a later time!!

And gosh!!! Thank you so much - I'm really honored!! I'm glad to hear you enjoyed Aftershocks so much! Their relationship is something I haven't looked back upon once, really, once I made that first step towards them being romantically involved. I think it just narratively feels more satisfying than what I had originally planned - and of course, them being so sweet on one another helps.

Again, thanks for this lovely message mate - and I hope you slept well!

#fic spoilers #asks

[song-for-the-seasons]

OCPD diagnosis ramblings under the cut

Got dx’d with OCPD this week which is like, the way it was explained to me was like,

with OCD the people that have it KNOW they’re having intrusive thoughts that aren’t logical, but feel compelled to do them anyways. It’s ego-dystonic, meaning it goes against what you know to be ordered thinking.

I have OCPD which means I don’t know when the intrusive thoughts are happening because my brain accepts them as reality. It’s ego-syntonic , meaning these intrusive thoughts align with my belief system. Like, perfectionism is a good thing! Being detail oriented is a good thing! Being motivated and dedicated and a self starter is a good thing! Being an advocate for other people is a good thing! But now it’s going full tilt into “if everything isn’t perfect, if something goes AWOL I lose my SHIT”. It’s genetic and gets worse with age, which explains why I’ve gradually gotten more and more type A in the last 9 years. It centers around perfectionism and fairness and balance. like if I buy someone coffee, they have to buy me coffee next time or the balance isn’t right and I could be in danger. Or vice versa, if someone else was slighted in some way, I have to make it up to them to make everything fair or else I’m horrible and deserve to die. It’s even gotten to the point that I have a knee jerk reaction that if someone hurts me, I need to hurt them back to create *BALANCE*. I’m at least self aware enough that I can realize that’s dumb as hell and not something I would DO, but the thought has begun creeping in. If one of my clients doesn’t like their order, then I wasn’t perfect and I have a breakdown so hard I’m hospitalized. I have to get a 100% score on everything- conversations, being a good friend, art, chores, therapy, driving or I dissociate for DAYS. I graduated suma cum laude for fucks sake because I felt like I’d stupid if I didn’t. To be clear, no one else has to meet these standards because they have inherent worth as a human. Because I lack inherent worth, I have to play this game of perfection and balance in order to make sure I deserve to be alive.

like the whole thing feeds into itself because I AM good at things because I feel like I HAVE to be or I’ll DIE. I excel at almost everything I touch because I HAVE to. But when I don’t, when something isn’t in my control, I fall apart. I wasn’t INSTANTLY perfect at stained glass last week and I had to pointedly calm myself because it wasn’t PERFECT. I completed nanowrimo but because I have been bludgeoning myself over the head with my *first draft not being perfect* I can’t enjoy the fact I wrote 50k words in a month! At least I know *that’s* illogical but it doesn’t stop the berating.

for a really long time my doctors and therapists just thought it was PTSD and anxiety creating a monster but once this piece was brought up it finally clicked. The other side of it though is there’s not a TON of research on it and idk how much hope there is of getting better. The most positive I can find is the *progression* can be halted. so like, rn I’m dx’d with PTSD, CPTSD, anxiety, depression, and OCPD. I’m a fucking cocktail that cancels each other but on the outside look like a go getter, perky, friendly individual and then on the inside I’m just constantly screaming AHHHHHHHHHHH

being aware it’s happening is step one. Maybe it’s the perfectionism speaking, but I WILL get better. I have a lot of hope. For a really long time I’ve been working on myself, and I think it really slowed the progression of this disease. I felt like I was making big strides with myself, but there was something huge missing that we weren’t understanding and this is it.

knowledge is power etc etc I WILL gain control of my brain again, I WILL be better than I was yesterday. But hoo boy I got my work cut out for me