#But whenever I psych myself up to make a move the vibe changes and I lose my footing

[louisinart]

I think I have found myself in a bit of an Ed gaypirate situation

#Where I have a new friend that I'm really excited about and also flirting with #Bc I really like her and I am so absolutely certain that there is something going ON there #Because we're always laughing and touching hands and talking about our feelings and shit #But whenever I psych myself up to make a move the vibe changes and I lose my footing #And so instead I just become more and more certain and also more and more what the fuck about the whole deal #And it's just like #Oh yeah #I've heard this one before #Pers #Musings #Unless #Alternatively #I am the stede Bonnet oblivious to the fact that we are in fact already dating #But I rly don't think so

[x0401x]

Jeweler Richard Fanbook Short Story #12

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Suit Story

If you went through Ginza’s Main Street from 7-chome to 1-chome, the change in the city’s atmosphere would shock you. Bulgari, Cartier, Louis Vuitton, Chanel. Felt like you could play shiritori with these high-class brand names. It was a fun neighborhood to stroll around during Christmas season, as all the stores would come up with elaborate plans for the decorative lights, but it was currently autumn. The store most closely related to me in these vicinities was the long-established stationery store where I went to buy stationery. It was, however...

“Please raise your arms a little more.”

“All right.”

“Pull your chin back a bit. Yeah, that’s great.”

“Haah. Is this really right?”

“Of course. Might be hard, but please do relax.”

For whatever reason, I was across the street from the stationery store, practically in front of it, on the second floor of a branded men’s fashion store originally from England. On the walls of this mysterious-gentleman-themed space, which housed a bar counter and even a huge aquarium, there were clusters of business suits, pants and waistcoats with basting threads attached to them in conspicuous spots.

It was a place for taking measurements for custom-made stuff.

I couldn’t get over the feeling that this was some kind of mistake. Wasn’t this the stationery store? The place where you could buy vanilla-colored envelopes for 30 yen each? Or illustrated writing paper with seasonal vibes, or pens.

“Seigi, you are too nervous.”

“Nakata-san is such an imp, but so are you.”

Leaning against the bar counter, Richard shrugged his shoulders, indicating possibility.

Today was Thursday. Having been called by Richard, who said he wanted to ask me to do some odd job, I went over to the front of Etranger, and then we came to this store in the green jaguar. Just when I thought he was gonna make me hang with him for shopping, the man on the driver seat hastily took out his phone, showing me a video letter from my dad, Nakata-san.

“Seigi, congrats on your graduation. I wanted to go suit shopping with you, but I’m in Jakarta, so I’ll be borrowing Richard-san’s assistance for that. Seems like people are getting them custom-made lately. Make sure to buy a good one. Well, see ya.”

Richard had watched over me in the passenger seat as my eyes got wet, but the tears drew back in when we stepped into the store.

While talking lightheartedly about the difference between English and Italian suits, the young clerk, who wasn’t all too apart from me in age, smoothly took my body measurements with a measuring tape and showed me countless textures.

“You can also choose the lining. What should we do about the pockets?”

When I started getting dizzy, said man, who was like a page of suits, began giving me suggestions from behind. I had nowhere to run. I was really going to have my suit made here. As I picked a charcoal-gray suit with blue lining, Richard quickly told me that tanzanite cuffs would look very nice in it. Of course, I was thinking the exact same thing.

By the moment that the Onii-san finished the measuring and disappeared into the back of the store to take notes, I heaved a deep sigh. “This kinda stuff’s been happening a lot lately. All I ever do is receive.”

When I said that, Richard laughed, giggles ringing up his throat.

Richard had two types of smiles, and whenever he raised his voice while laughing, if I refused to back down, he’d often give me a word of advice of some sort. When it was a silent smile, I’d feel like he was telling me in some way to “reflect about myself”, which would make me a bit anxious, but I liked both.

Walking up next to me as I stood in front of the mirror, Richard grinned. “It is no longer guaranteed that your body will grow out of your clothes. Isn’t it fun to sometimes purchase slightly larger clothes and try to wait for your body’s growth?”

“Feeling like this talk doesn’t have the ‘sleep well and drink milk’ kinda nuance to it.”

The reply was a smile. How strange. Richard’s face was right at my left side, but the smile in the mirror was looking directly at me. Clad in a double-button slender silhouette suit, his figure was perfect no matter from what angle I looked at it, like an extraordinarily fine jewel, so my own figure as I tensed up beside him appeared even weirder.

“Hey, Richard, I kinda have the feeling that suits are like the base metals of jewelry.”

“Are you referring to the foundation parts of rings, earrings and such?”

I nodded. The base metal was the metal part that formed the foundation for attaching gemstones to jewelry. In stores, people would often memorize the materials and call them by their names, such as gold base metal or platinum base metal.

It was a part that never played the leading role in Etranger, which handled accessories with gemstones on them. But it’d be hard to wear jewelry on the body without it, and it was also a part that allowed people to express their particularities regarding the materials, durability and design. Whether they would be prominent or not depended on the basis. Erm, this was probably what a jeweler from Kyoto that I was acquainted with would say. The contrary was also possible.

“Gotta psyche myself up. If I don’t become someone that won’t lose to this suit, I’d feel bad.”

“This is my personal opinion, but there is nothing more tiring to look at than a jewelry in which the gem and base metal are at rivalry with one another. What you should emphasize is the harmony. Just because you use the finest high-grade eggs and milk as ingredients, it does not mean you will create the best pudding – is that not the same thing?”

“Ah...”

When I replied that, indeed, high-end ingredients were often strongly in demand, the beautiful man nodded with an “exactly as you say”. By the looks of it, those were the sweets that he was into lately. I hadn’t been able to take time some for it at all due to being busy, but I decided to make pudding again one of these days and offer to him. Despite having a wallet that enabled him to eat as many high-grade desserts as he wanted, Richard would always be delighted anew no matter how many of them I made, which made me believe that, as one would expect, he had a talent for pleasing people. I was grateful for his existence.

“Both suits and jewelry are goods that exist for the sake of their owners. The initiative is clear from the start. You must handling it skillful and comfortably, not fight against it. That is why it is custom-made.”

“So you’re also ‘skillfully handling’ the clothes you’re wearing right now?”

“Evidently. Enough that I do not know anymore at what point it ends and I begin.” With that said, Richard sleekly patted his suit. I wanted to try saying that too someday.

We exchanged glances not through the mirror but directly.

When the clerk Onii-san came back, the measuring recommenced. I got kind of embarrassed as he praised me, saying I was well-relaxed.

   “Seigi-kun, good work! Wow, that suit looks really great on you.”

“Thanks, Tanimoto-san. Uh, this print on your furisode, could it be—”

“I was told it’s a modern type of print, but yep, it’s kinda like...”

“It looks like a bismuth crystal!”

With a face that said, “I know, right”, a dandy crease formed under her eyes, which were just a bit more on-the-mark than usual. Her bob-cut hair was the same as always, her cream-colored hakama paired with a yellow-green and dark blue furisode, which bore a mysterious geometric pattern print. On top of being cute, it was unique. She said it was rented, but I got emotional upon finding out there was a furisode that was so much like her.

As for me, I was wearing a double-button English suit that fit my body extremely well. It was a little embarrassing, but the creatures called college boys were more or less the same kind of individuals as myself, so they weren’t too mindful of their male friends’ clothes. Only one of them, who had found employment in the apparel industry, said that “the suit Nakata’s wearing is so nice”.

It was the graduation ceremony of Kasaba University. We gathered in the excessively large auditorium for all but an instant, and once we had our diplomas in hand, it was the beginning of a rapid shooting party, where we took pictures with our preferred friends in spaces near the auditorium. Tanimoto-san came running over to the spot near the central library, where we had decided to meet up.

“Seigi-kun, really, congrats. Things might get hard from now on, but if it’s you, everything will definitely be okay.”

“Thank you. I’ll do my best. I don’t think I’m that big of a deal, though...”

“That’s not true. I know very well how awesome you are.”

I played around a little and bowed my head, also congratulating Tanimoto-san for her graduation, she laughed with a “huhuhu”, looking happy.

She had passed in teaching and she would officially be a middle school science teacher starting this April. She fulfilled the dream that she had told me about when we were in our second year of undergrad. So cool. She had laughed when I said I wanted to take her classes if it were ever possible, but now I knew her video communication address, so it might be that I could actually get to attend her lectures at least once. Even if I were no longer living in Japan.

“Tanimoto-san, the school you’re assigned to is...”

“In Okayama Prefecture. It’s famous for the Katsuta Group of vicarya fossils. Compared to you, it’s next-door.”

In a few days, my address would change from Japan to Sri Lanka. I was going to be a jeweler apprentice. I had been told that I would often have to move around in rough dress, so sure enough, I was going to dedicate myself to wearing formal stuff for the time being. It was a bit of a waste, but Nakata-san and Richard had probably given me a chance to wear this kind of thing because they knew about that.

I could hear a voice in the distance calling, “Shouko~”. It was apparently a friend of Tanimoto-san’s. She waved at them in response.

“Seigi-kun, y’know... I think I was very lucky to meet you in this university. Literally thank you. Thanks to you, university was always fun.”

“Those are all my lines. But Tanimoto-san, I only ever gave you trouble.”

“If you’re gonna say that, same goes for me. I feel like you’ve granted me many opportunities. Seriously, thank you.”

When she smiled, saying she was going to do her best, she looked really cute. Neither of us had any familiarity with Okayama, but surely, she would actively pave the way with her own strength no matter where she was. And on her days off, she would go out to the Katsuta Group to dig up fossils.

“From now on too, if there’s anything I can help you with, I want you to tell me. I’ll do anything. If you run into any weirdo, I’ll get on a plane and come give them a beating.”

“Me too; if anyone ever messes up with you, Seigi-kun, I’ll take my crack hammer and go finish them off. Look forward to it. Ah, Aki told me that a sniper rifle suits me better, apparently?”

“I-I wonder.”

After that, we talked for a while, seated on an inconspicuous bench, and when it was finally time, she told me to at least take care of my body, offering me her hand. I nodded and squeezed it back. Her hand was small but very strong.

“Take care of your body, at the very least. May the blessings of the stones fall upon you.”

“Thank you. You too.”

We bowed deeply, taking pictures with each other while we were at it, and once we were done with the commemorative photoshoot, in which the two of us kept a moderate distance from one another, we parted ways. Students here and there were hugging intensely and wailing, but neither she nor I were that type, and I didn’t think this would be farewell for a lifetime. We would definitely get to see each other from now on too.

However, this was our last time seeing each other while we were students. After the handshake, my angel waved her hand with a “see you”, even more brightly than an actual angel.

Later on, having finished looking around for the friends that I could call friends and going on a tour to tell them “thank you for everything until now”, lastly, I sent a brief text. Not to Richard. To Nakata-san and Hiromi.

“I was able to graduate from university without problems. Thank you very much, truly. I will be in your care from now on too.”

Rather than a greeting, it turned into a notice to announce my renewed determination. The stylish suit indeed gave off an extraordinary feeling of fittingness, but I couldn’t think I was fully used to it. Obviously. It finished being made just a while ago. It would start from here. If it would take on my shape the more I wore it, then I would make sure to wear it steadily to my own liking.

What mattered was the harmony, he had said.

While smoothly stroking the suit, which I still couldn’t deem as anything other than formal wear, as if I were stroking my favorite gemstone, I seared the contrast of cherry blossom petals against the blue sky into my eyes.

#housekishou richard shi no nazo kantei #housekishou richard #jeweler richard #the case files of jeweler richard #nakata seigi #richard ranashinghe de vulpian #richard ranashinha de vulpian #tanimoto shouko #richard #tsujimura nanako #yukihiro utako #novel #jr short story collection #my translation

[the-queer-look]

Couple Theory

Name: Lucy Age: 24 Location: Glebe Occupation: Bush Regenerator Sexual Orientation: Lesbian Gender: Female

Name: Aisling Age: 21 Location: Glebe Occupation: Customer Service Sexual Orientation: Queer Gender: Female

Lucy – I feel like I’m still figuring out how I’m comfortable presenting because I didn’t come out till I was twenty, which was quite a time after I realised I was gay at sixteen. When I moved to Sydney I really wanted to show people that I was queer, and with much of my influence being from the internet, I wore a lot of the stereotypical lesbian clothing I saw on there – mostly sporty sorts of clothing – but as I’ve gone through, whenever I find something that I don’t hate myself in I wear it over and over again until something new comes along. Recently I’ve been vibing with the look of boots, singlet tops, and making my tattoos very visible. I make myself look somewhat unapproachable with my resting face being a frown, and my outfits being if not aggressive, then non-welcoming, but if people do actually come up to me I really want people to like me, so it all falls away.

Aisling – My daily presentation is just the easy T-shirts and jeans, lots of bouldering merch, maybe a button up if I’m being a little fancy, just a classic chapstick lesbian.

Lucy – Where did your inspo for that come from?

Aisling – What? Jeans and a shirt? Does that need inspiration? I guess I tuck my shirt in to make sure its queer? I have a lot of Vans, and a milk crate full of socks I guess. I used to save up money when I was in high school to put towards my first pair of Vans and I was so excited. I think I have twenty pairs now? Lots of converse, runners, and climbing shoes as well. Colourful socks and shoes are my thing I guess.

Lucy – I remember I was sixteen when I realised I liked girls, but I don’t know what triggered it. I think it was something on TV? I think it was an NCIS episode and they had a really awful portrayal of lesbians, who were identified as gay because at the end of the episode they held hands, and that triggered some kind of twinge in my chest that I’d never felt before.

Ailing – That was your gay bone

Lucy – My gay bone?

K – Yeah, your sternum is your gay bone

Ailing – I’ve torn that twice from being too gay

K – you need to remember to stretch before going out and being gay all night.

Lucy – It was a really weird feeling, I didn’t know what it was. I couldn’t stop thinking about it, so I went and found out about the episode, and it was of course one of those “oh no homosexuals are evil” sorts of plots. I think that negative portrayal contributed to my negative feelings about being gay, and being so scared to come out. I don’t know where else that would have come from because my parents never expressed any opinion about homosexuality. Those feelings were confirmed when I had my first crush on a girl in my school. I was nauseous more than anything when I realised it, and I just ignored that feeling for years which isn’t healthy. What helped me overcome it though, as I’m sure helped a lot of people from small towns with not much queer representation was the internet, and YouTubers, The Legend of Korra, and Tumblr. (The ending of Legend of Korra) was ust so beautiful, and so revolutionary as well. I remember seeing the ship of Korra and Asami come up on my tumblr, but it was years before the end fo the show, when it actually happened. I remember watching it on a family holiday trip and had to leave the dining table and I was shaking and crying because it was such a huge, beautiful moment that was probably one of the most significant moments of accepting myself. Looking back I definitely associate that final image of them holding hands before going to the spirit world together with my final stage of accepting who I am.

Moving to Sydney was my time to finally come out and explore. I came out to one of my Canadian exchange friends who was here, and they took me to Birdcage (lesbian nightclub in Sydney) where I met some of my friends. My first time in a queer club was like being surrounded by a family who I felt like I knew even though I hadn’t met any of them. That was also the year that the marriage equality vote was passed, So I took that opportunity to find out what my parents thought about homosexuality by asking them what they were voting for. They both said they were voting yes, which made me feel comfortable enough to come out to them the next week.

I’m still learning what are the most appropriate ways to describe myself and my relationship with myself, and how to present myself to the world. The more I learn, the more I will change the way I present myself, and there is a lot more of myself to explore.

Aisling – I think I was around thirteen or fourteen when I saw the show “faking it” - a show about a girl in high school figuring out her sexuality – and I just noticed that I was relating to every situation that the character was going through, and suddenly realised I was questioning my sexuality. I mentioned it to one of my friends that I used to walk to school with, and she would just keep egging me on with “come on just say it, just say you’re gay its fine”. I came out to her as bi at one stage, but I didn’t like that term, I didn’t like the term lesbian either, and still don’t, I prefer to think of myself as queer, or just gay.

When I actually came out two or so years later, I remember telling my close friend group that I was bi… and then later that week just said “nah I’m gay actually”. It was about 7:30pm, on a Wednesday night, after basketball, in the shower talking to myself saying “im gonna do this, im gonna do this”. Just me and my dad home, I psyched myself up for ages and then walked in and out of the kitchen about five times before going “Dad, I have something to tell you” sweating bullets “Dad, I’m gay la di da.”

Lucy – La di da?

Aisling – yes, Father, it’s la di da for me I’m afraid

Lucy – please put my sexuality down as la di da

Aisling – The first thing he said to me was “yeah I always thought you had a bigger obsession with the female tennis players than the men.” and yeah damn he had me there. I hate that I remember the day and everything… like the first of September 2016?

I moved out from my mum to my dad’s mostly because my mum’s partner at the time was very homophobic, and any dinner conversation would turn to him deriding gay marriage, or coming out with some racist shit. Eventually I decided “this bothers me too much, I’m going to have to say something” and it was… really upsetting when he didn’t agree. So of course I came out to my dad first and made him tell mum, which was then an interesting conversation…

“Your father tells me you’ve told him you’re gay?”

“yep, that’s it”

She contacted my school supervisor that night and told all of my teachers to look out for any homophobic acts towards me, letting them know that I was gay and to look out for me.

Lucy – I feel like together we tick a lot of stereotypes

Aisling – We really do

Lucy – We moved in together really quickly

Aisling – We own a cat together

Lucy – Theres that Subaru…

Aisling – I also had a lot of influence from those same queer YouTubers, and seeing their coming out videos and how free they felt afterwards made me really want to share it.

Immediately after I came out everyone at school was very supportive, like they already knew and assumed I was gay because I was just that sporty chick, so being gay just sorta went with it?

Lucy – I think I looked for validation from my parents. When I came out to mum there was no huge deal made about it, butI think validation from them comes in small snippets. Every time mum sends me something, like recently she arranged her coloured chopping boards into a rainbow and sent me a picture with “these are for you!” it’s very small, but its very significant. When I had a really big hickey on my neck, my dad said

“oh who gave you that on your neck? Does he sleep in a coffin?”

“it was a she actually”

“oh does she sleep in a coffin then?”

he just wanted to channel it into a dad joke, but it was a weird way to come out to him actually.

Aisling – To me the term Queer means “everyone included” even just an ally of the community, or a parent of an LGBT person doing your best to make them feel safe and welcome, you’re welcome in the community you know? By properly supporting something, you become a part of it.

Lucy – For me it’s very similar with those lines of community and family. It can be a label, but I feel that its evolving more into a term that indicates embracing all people. I use it sometimes to refer to a collective group of… well queer people. I refer to my close friends as my queer family.

Aisling – It feels better to use than assuming someone’s sexuality or gender without knowing the specifics.

Lucy – Individually I wouldn’t refer to any of my friends as queer. I know one friend refers to himself specifically as a bisexual, man, rather than a queer person. So I definitely like its a more family, community term, rather than a specific label, though It can still be used as one.

Aisling – I like the term because when I first came out I identified as bi, then gay, then bi, then gay, than they? And it feels more appropriate to use for myself because I’m still working it out, and it can cover a lot. For example I don’t think of myself as completely feminine, but I also don’t like the term non-binary to refer to myself, but the idea of “They” still, rather than just being she/her, I like the idea of she/they. And referring to myself as queer feels more of an accurate description.

Lucy – Ever since moving to Sydney and coming out and going to that first club night I’ve always thrown myself into as many queer events as I possibly could. I want to be able to contribute more to the community rather than just be involved in it, a lot of my friends are very engaged in the queer community, and I feel like I don’t have that level of involvement. I love that I’m never scared or intimidated to go to queer events, by myself or with my friends. Whilst I feel very connected to the queer community, I wish I could be more involved. I’m scared that since my friend group is all finishing university and looking to the future, that I’ll lose that sense of connection as everyone moves away, even though I’m sure we’ll all stay in touch.

Aisling – I feel little to no involvement in the queer community at the moment because I’m focusing so hard on my training. I’m involved with Queer Climbers Sydney though, and am looking to get more involved in the future, as soon as I have the time to do stuff.

Lucy – Challenges facing the queer community here isn Sydney… I feel like we need to create a wider variety of safer spaces in more areas. There’re certain areas of Sydney where queer people I know just don’t feel as comfortable. And the ones we do have are always pubs and clubs. Not to detract from queer nightlife; but having so much of queer culture based around adult only areas reinforces the idea that being gay, or trans, or whatever is an adult thing, and makes it easier for people to excuse restricting education about it to kids, which can be so harmful growing up and not having the education to understand yourself.

Aisling – I feel like theres more acceptance towards gay, lesbian, and bi people. But there’s less of an acceptance of trans people, like they can understand being gay, but they cant seem to understand what a trans person even is, much less how to approach them. Probably need more education about it in schools. More comprehensive sex ed instead of just how to put a condom on a fucking banana.

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[maidof-shade]

Fitting a Square Peg Into a Round Hol

You have heard the expression that you can't squeeze UV resistant pegs into a circular opening. A basic perception would demonstrate that assertion is mistaken. You can UV resistant pegs into a circular opening. You can likewise squeeze a round steak into a square opening, yet for what reason could you need to?

There are the individuals who might attempt basically on the grounds that they can. What's more, there are the individuals who are UV resistant pegs that like the vibes of a circular opening and would attempt to fit. In spite of the fact that they all fit; they don't fit consistently in the opening.

Everybody has a shape and a fate. All in all, regardless of the shape you were made in; you throw a tantrum. You start your excursion as UV resistant pegs or another shape and your excursion starts in a world that is in a struggle with its shapes. There are numerous who are dug in osmosis. They figure that everybody ought to have a similar shape as them and that they should squeeze into a similar shape opening. Fortunately, this isn't normal, and life has wanted to propel a few shapes to move fresh. We for the most part don't care for individuals who don't adhere to the standards, however, without them nothing would change.

It is the standard breakers that persuade society to transform its rules. It was a standard breaker that found the world was not at the reality level. So in case you are around the stake and it serves you to squeeze into a square opening; then, at that point, you ought to get it done. However, what might be said about the shape that is having issues or issues fitting in? On the off chance that you find that your life is inconsistent unrest or battle, it is likely in light of the fact that you are attempting to squeeze into an alternate formed opening. In truth in case you are around the stake, it would be your life's motivation or fate to discover the spot you most effortlessly fit into. There is no battle when you are in concordance with what soul expected.

Since you are a part of soul and it is soul that has showed itself into the actual world as one shape or the other; it is normal for you to take the easy way out. This is known to you before you result in these present circumstances world. Since you have opportunity to pick (unrestricted love), you pick how you will track down the best fit.

For a large number of us, our issues start with our folks and with other people who have control over us. Many will anticipate that you should live inside their own shape or restrictions. You're in my home, this is how it is and you will adhere to the guidelines and fit in. You are currently a round stake caught in a square box. You might fit, yet it isn't who for sure you are.

You might get this equivalent demeanor with your kin, you school construction and mates. Neighborhood laws and territorial culture will likewise attempt to shape you into something that they can acknowledge.

During this time of development there are numerous who are attempting to reshape you and you are left with just three decisions. You can attempt to fit in, you can oblige a daily routine of steady battle and experience with the pressing factor or you can free yourself and follow your fate.

When you are sufficiently developed to make up your own psyche, you might end up miserably settled in a cycle that has made an existence of battle and misery. You have gotten tied up with what they have advised you and are feeling deficient, left out, or harmed. You are far taken out from your predetermination and life's motivation has evaded you.

It is extremely simple to decide when you are not moving along a characteristic way - it's troublesome!

Presently at times you can trick yourself. Things might be coming fine and dandy and you have been acknowledged by family, companions, and society. In any case, underneath your adjusted or square outside there is struggle, unrest, and battle. Something is continually absent. That feeling won't ever disappear regardless of how fruitful you think you are. Regardless of how famous or wanted you might be. A round stake in a square opening leaves spaces around it which are not filled. You will consistently feel those spaces and feel fragmented; something will consistently be missing.

Fortunately in any event, being an oddball enjoys its benefits, and you won't generally be this way. Life advances thus will you. If not in this lifetime; it will be the following. Surprisingly better is that you have the decision whenever to change. Change will come when you let go of the multitude of musings you have about fitting in by any means. Also, after the age of thirty; this turns into a significantly more prominent test. The more youthful you are, the simpler it is.

Without a doubt you will lose all that you thought you needed, your companions, your work, your way of life and that's only the tip of the iceberg. Fortunately you will become something a lot more noteworthy than you might at any point envision, and you won't ever be more joyful. There could be no more noteworthy inclination than being free. It isn't normal for life to be boxed, and in the end it can't. Life consistently discovers a way. At the time that you at last find that you have not fit in and it isn't what you need; you will start the excursion to opportunity.

You should realize that your family, companions and society are not your adversaries. Dread and your own musings about change are your foes. The obscure is frightening, yet in truth an everyday routine experienced external your predetermination is much more terrifying. Strolling another person's way offers you chance for you to be your normal self, as positive or negative as that might appear. Truly, positive or negative doesn't work for you. What works for you is controlled by your decisions. As a round stake, you will consistently settle on round stake decisions and the decisions will consistently work. At the point when you settle on square decisions, there will consistently be some additional room that simply doesn't squeeze into your shape (reason).

I have consistently been a round stake living is a square world. At the point when I began composing nine years prior, I needed to relinquish all that just to allow the composition to come through. I surrendered an effective business, discovered an exit plan and lived basically in the city for longer than a year. I'm 60 years of age and I am as yet sifting through the restricting requests of society and my own contemplations which actually challenge me in my present everyday life. I continually question the importance or attack of what I am doing.

I have no companions and have estranged myself from my families. I'm semi resigned and work low maintenance at a particular employment that is continually moving me to adjust to principles which are conflicting with how I see myself. Despite the fact that I have found my shape, I have not discovered my place to fit. Truth be told I am an oddball (flighty). I don't say this with lament or judgment however with a feeling of direction and a significant longing to follow my fate. For the individuals who may not acknowledge me or my composition, they offer me support since it is an indication that I am as yet proceeding with my picked way and I am not the same as them.

I'm in good company I would say, and there are numerous other people who resemble me. By our very nature as loners (unconventionality), we won't track down a fit among ourselves. This doesn't pardon us from being included or connected with individuals. Individuals bring a familiarity with self (myself) and we are characterized by the presence of others. We will consistently be comparative with another person. Profoundly, I don't think it is solid not to impart to other people. Life consistently looks to find and perceive other life.

What I do, I accomplish for myself first, since it is inside me to do as such. Thusly, I additionally reward other people who need to hear what I need to say. If you somehow managed to take a gander at my site and read my articles on the web or read my books, you would find that I have a wealth of comments. By making this plenitude, I can stand to part with it. So it is the right hand warmly greeting the left.

For every one of those out there who consider themselves to appear as something else - embrace it. Be one of a kind and exceptional. Keep on finding your shape and search for your fit. Carry on with your existence with reason and realize that it is your predetermination, and your life will be characterized by the reason that you give it, and not by the assumption for other people. Permit others a similar opportunity to act naturally, however never permit any individual who might be shrouded in acceptable deeds to figure out what your identity is for sure your predetermination is. A day to day existence reason driven is very much served regardless anybody thinks.

Live well in wealth!

Roy is an occupant of British Columbia, Canada. A global distributed profound writer of books, digital books and articles. Roy's first book "You Life Was Never Meant to be a Struggle" is presently accessible in 13 nations. Roy's subsequent book has recently been distributed and is named "Driven Down the Garden Path" Roy's books were composed to challenge your present convictions concerning what your identity is and your motivation in this life.

#UV resistant pegs

[lonelypond]

Parent Trap, Ch. 6

NicoMaki, Love Live, 3.8K, 6/?

Summary: More things happen in the wrong order.

Girls On Film

Eli had texted that Nico had stopped by the office, upset, so Eli would be home too late for dinner. Nozomi frowned as the evening went on and the twins restlessness increased. So she sat them down with their own decks of playing cards, pulled out her Tarot cards and focused on Eli.

Lovers, always The Lovers, always connected with Eli. Magician Reversed, that was a little concerning. Something not going according to plan...followed by a reversed Ten Of Cups, the idyllic family scene overturned, conflicting values...Nozomi frowned and dealt another card: Queen Of Wands. That was a relief. Or a call to face up to something. But definitely an argument that even if Nozomi’s current path hit a few bumps, there was confidence in her decision.

“Mommy?”

Vik, ever sensitive to mood, sat next to Nozomi. Teddy was using both decks to build a card tunnel.

“Yes, Vik.”

“Is Mama mad at you?”

Vik always got to the point. They were extremely reliable about finding the one nagging weakness in either Nozomi or Eli’s arguments about anything and skewering it, directly on target.

“No, Auntie Nico just wanted to talk to her.”

“Is Auntie Nico mad at you?”

Nozomi chuckled, that was the question that kept coming back to her mind. “I don’t know, Рыбка (sweetie), maybe…”

Vik pointed at the Queen Of Wands, “That’s a Queen? She has short hair like me.”

“Yes, she does.”

“Is she friendly?”

Nozomi bobbed her head, debating how to reply. Vik had been showing more interest in the Tarot recently, “Friendly, but firm if you’ve messed up.”

“Like Mama.”

Nozomi couldn’t hold in the belly laugh as Vik spoke exactly what she’d been thinking.

“MOMMY!!! Look at this.” Teddy was waving frantically at her tunnel, tilting precariously at the start. “Take a picture for Mama.”

“Okay, Солнце (Sunshine).” Nozomi grabbed her phone, Vik sliding into her seat to examine the cards closer.

###

Nico hadn’t texted or called. Maki had to force herself to stop pacing next to Dia’s crib when she got her tucked in for the night. Dia had been fussy all day, but with no nap, actually fell asleep easily. Maybe a long soak was would be relaxing. Maki turned on the baby monitor, set up candles, dropped a lavender bath bomb, but couldn’t get Nico out of her mind. The mood had been so strange. Nico and her mother had obviously been having a private, complicated conversation and Maki couldn’t ignore the gut feeling that it was about her.

Maki really liked Nico. And although that morning in Philly had been intense, it hadn’t felt rushed. Nico had just made a safe space for them, for Maki to express what she wanted. What she really wanted. And really wanted again and again, which was an unusual feeling for her. The few times she’d been physically intimate with a potential partner, there had been affection, but no urgency about what next. Not seeing Nico, thinking maybe that this time Nico was the one indifferent, lacking urgency, that actually seemed to hurt. And Maki needed to know that she was guessing wrong about Nico’s feelings.

Panic stripped away subtext. And she sent the text before she could reread it.

M: Was today too much? Dia just really wanted to see you.

M: So did I. I’ve been looking forward to you being back in Chicago so we could ….

M: But we didn’t have to rush into the family thing...with your Mom...I can do casual…

Maki reread what she’d sent. And dropped her phone on the tray next to the bath. Too much, too clingy...Nico was going to forget Maki’s number and be on the way to her next, non clingy post concert groupie as soon as she could…

###

Nico stared intently at the screen of her phone, willing Eli to text her that Nozomi was crushed by the weight of guilt and Maki was fine with Nico continuing to court her....court her. Nico raspberried herself...this wasn’t courting, this was Nico wanting everything with the hot, fascinating, really into Nico Maki Nishikino...but what if Dia already happened to be theirs? Because of something Nozomi did. That would weird Maki out, make everything strange, and Nico had been sensing Maki leaning toward psyching herself out. Nico had been hoping getting back to Chicago would let Nico get them back on track, but what could Nico say if she saw Maki, without stumbling over Dia.

Maki’s text tone. Eli was weak and hadn’t done anything yet, she was probably driving around in circles pyching herself up to talk to Nozomi. And Eli had impressed upon Nico exactly how much grief Maki’s parents' lawyers could make for both of them, making Nico swear not to talk to Maki until Eli did. But Eli was weak… And Maki was texting.

M: But we didn’t have to rush into the family thing...with your Mom...I can do casual…

Nico had done casual a couple of times. She didn’t want it. She wanted the connection she felt when Maki looked at her, the openness, the vulnerability, the trust....and from what little Maki had said about her dating life prior to Nico, Nico guessed that intimacy had led to cooling off, so Maki was probably freaking out ‘cause Nico had been blowing her off all day. But not because of Maki reasons…

Nico’s promise to Eli wasn’t as important as Maki. Maki obviously needed emotional aftercare. Nico hit call.

“Nico?”

Maki sounded like she’d been caught mid yawn. It was adorable.

“Hi, Maki. Sorry I didn’t get back to you about takeout. Had to talk to Eli.”

“Is everything all right, Nico?” Nico heard a splash? Was Maki in the bath? The phone was obviously on speaker.

“Nico would like to join you in the bath.”

Maki laughed, it was euphoric, Nico was so hooked, Maki's voice hit Nico in all the good places. “They used to do that in movies, talk on the phone in their separate bubble baths, put their feet up, show off some leg.”

“Nico would love to see that.”

“So would I.” A little bit shy. Nico was beginning to forget why she’d been reluctant to call Maki.

“I’m in bed…”

“What’d you have for dinner.”

“Didn’t.”

“You sound like me in med school.”

“What were you like in med school? Were you buried in books? Or bodies? Dating cute nurses? Would you even have noticed Nico ten years ago?”

“How could anyone not notice Nico?”

“That’s what Nico always says…” Nico seized on an idea, maybe she could actually keep their conversation clear of things that Nico wasn’t ready to talk about, “What would we have talked about ten years ago?”

“I had this terrible roommate.”

“Really?”

“Really. Wild party animal, had to barricade myself in my room.” Maki sounded more amused than upset.

“You snuck into the parties, didn’t you?”

A pause, what might be towel noises. Nico desperately wanted a video call, “Maybe…but then my grades dropped and I moved back home.”

Keep this vibe going, Nico told herself. “So what did you do for fun after your brush with the wild side?”

“Piano. And Rin and I played soccer in a league. That was fun.”

“Nico bets you looked cute in your uniform.”

Sexy indignation that made Nico want to rip off whatever Maki had covered herself with, “ I looked HOT, Nico, I was 22 and in great shape.”

“You’re still in great shape, Nico knows.”

A giggle, a pause, two people syncing up again.

“What were you like ten years ago?” Maki asked softly, her voice a frisson in Nico's ear.

“Too busy for anything. Constantly on tour. Studying finance on the side. I got my economics degree over six years. Magna cum laude.”

“I didn’t know that.”

“Nico planned to be a success. Now the suits can’t say Nico doesn’t know how business works.”

“Impressive.” Maki breathed.

‘Nico strives.”

###

10 p.m. Nozomi was getting worried. Eli was never out this late. Nozomi had let the twins roughhouse past their bedtime because whenever Eli got home, there was going to be a serious conversation. Although the cards had been full of warnings about that, Nozomi knew the truth in her gut before she dealt out the spread.

Key in the door, sigh as Eli closed it behind her. Eli, looking tired, wearing glasses, she’d been crying. She stopped, clear gaze meeting Nozomi’s.

“I’ve hurt my oldest friend, exposed myself to litigation, and could lose my practice. Was that what you meant to happen, Nozomi?”

Nozomi winced.

Eli had her hands shoved in the pockets of her overcoat, “What were you thinking?”

“About?”

“Nozomi.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Eli. Has Nico been lying about me?”

Eli glared, her jaw set, nostrils flared. “If this is how you’re going to behave, I’ll be in the guest room.”

“That upsets the twins. Can’t you just pretend to fall asleep on the couch again?” Nozomi knew this was not the ideal way to react, but with Eli so serious, she found an edge of panic pushing her to impulsive speech.

“Nozomi…” Eli’s hands were warm and strong as she held Nozomi’s, “Please just explain why you altered Nico’s paperwork.”

“I had a feeling.”

“Nico was crying. Maki’s going to be livid.”

Nozomi felt a twinge of guilt, sure, but she also knew that everything would work out. This must be about Dia. Nico and Maki were getting along, that was obvious from Nico’s texts to Eli. Surely they could sort it out.

“I’d like to say something to Maki that doesn’t just sound like my wife played a stupid prank. Please, Nozomi, help me understand.”

Nozomi giggled, “I had a feeling, Eli. The cards had told me there would be a change in Nico’s fortunes and then I saw her in your office…she obviously wants a family, Eli, she always has, you told me that. I just want to help the universe give her one. Just let them work it out."

Eli had no reply. When Nozomi doubled down on ‘the cards’ and intuition, there was no opening for Eli to logic her out of her beliefs. And the damnable thing was, it always worked out. But this wasn’t their life, this was Nico and Maki and Dia’s. Nozomi had been wrong to meddle. And left Eli terribly vulnerable.

Too exhausted to argue or strategize any more, Eli tossed her coat on the couch. “I’m going to bed. I have to talk to Maki tomorrow.”

“Did you eat?”

Eli shrugged.

“It will work out, Eli. Have faith."

Eli shook her head, “Good night, love.”

A too quick kiss on the cheek, leaving Nozomi alone, to curl up in Eli’s coat, on a corner of the couch, unpleasantly surprised by Eli’s intransigence. Had she gone too far this time?

###

A long afternoon, Maki finally getting a chance to look at her phone. Message from Raye, Dia’s nanny. Dia fussy and running a fever, over a hundred. Maki bit her lip. That might explain yesterday’s fit of temper and how easily Dia fell asleep last night.

“Dr. Nishikino?” The lab tech came around the corner.

“What’s up, Kadir?”

“Do you want to see the results of Mx. Nabe’s bloodwork?”

Maki glanced at her smart watch. Her shift was over twenty minutes ago. And the late dinner with Nico was now probably not going to happen. “Let me check something.” Maki walked confidently to the call board. Tonight’s on call orthopedic surgeon was Dr. Wilhimena Mae Tompkins. Top of the line. Maki’s first or second choice. “Just send them to Dr. Tompkins. The patient’s already been moved to a room, right?”

“Orderlies just took her upstairs.”

“Guess I’m done here then. Dia’s running a fever so I’ve got one more patient to see.” Maki winked, Kadir grinned.

“See you in a couple days then, Doc. And I hope Dia feels better.”

“Thanks. I’m sure it’s nothing. She’s probably teething.”

Now to text Nico.

###

Nico hadn’t heard from Eli all day. Obviously Eli had chickened out. Like Nico expected. Time for a call. Eli picked up.

“Are you hiding from your wife in your office?”

“Shut up, Nico.”

“Don’t talk to Nico like that. You promised Nico you’d talk to Maki. Have you talked to Maki?”

No reply.

“Eli.”

“I’m still working out what to say.”

“Start with, I really didn’t mean for my nosy, pushy, annoying hussy of a wife to…”

“Don’t talk about Nozomi like that.”

NIco sighed, “C’mon, Eli. Nozomi is currently on the bottom of Nico’s friend list. I’m not going to be nice.”

“She’s my wife, Nico. It’s complicated.”

“What is happening to Nico is complicated. You’re just not willing to deal with the consequences of your wife’s intrusive, illegal, apocalyptic meddling. Nico could sue.”

“Yes, you could.” Eli sounded so tired, but Nico had zero sympathy for the enabler.

“Talk to Maki or I will.”

“Nico.”

End call. Before Nico could put her phone down, Maki’s text tone pinged.

M: Dia’s got a fever. I’m heading home. We'll have to postpone dinner ●︿●

N: Nico will bring dinner over (っ˘ڡ˘ς)

M: Pizza?

Nico chuckled.

N: Whatever the sexy doctor wants.

M: Pizza ᕕ[ ᓀ ڡ ᓂ ]ㄏ─∈

M: And you （＾_-）

N: Is an hour good?

M: Sure.

N: See both my best girls then.

Nico hit Eli’s number.

“Tell Maki.”

“Tomorrow.”

“Eli.”

“I’m drafting a presentation to explain right now.”

“Include a big picture of Nozomi with an arrow pointing to guilty.”

“Good night, Nico.”

“Talk to Maki, Eli. Or Nico talks to lawyers.”

Eli seemed more concerned about Nico and the Nishikino’s lawyers than what Nozomi’s action had cost Nico. Eli continued to fail, freefalling down Nico’s friend list. Another call. Mama. Nico let that go to voicemail. Maybe she should forward that voicemail and the three before it to Eli. Maybe then Eli would realize some of the pressure Nico was feeling.

###

Nico knocked. Maki was right there, opening the door, in a showcasing all her curves casual combo of black leggings and a mostly undone gray henley. She waved Nico into the wide open family room that seemed to make up at least 70% of the first floor of the carriage house. A baby grand was tucked into a windowed corner, a huge sectional sofa was centered and facing the fireplace, and the walls were decorated with seasonal photos of a shrine and what looked like birds and dragons restored from antique wooden screens. Set a calm, classy mood.

“So are the Disney movie posters in your bedroom, Cinderella?” Nico bounced up to kiss Maki.

Maki smiled, “I took these photos myself, during some visits to Kyoto and Tokyo, before med school, and the screens are damaged family heirlooms I restored sections of.”

“Hands on decorating.”

“I want Dia to grow up with her heritage around her.”

Silent, Nico walked around the sectional, putting the pizza boxes on the wood and glass table, not sure what to say about Dia.

“She’s feeling better, I think. Her fever went down.” Maki leaned on the sofa back.

“Good.”

“Want to check in on her and say hello before we eat?”

Nico deflected. “Pizza first?”

Maki opened the box with Carmen’s excellent stuffed pesto pizza. A garlic smell wafted out with the steam, filling the room, “It’s still hot.”

“Nico delivered pizzas for a summer. I know the tricks.”

“Nico knows a lot. Let's say good night to Dia.” Maki slid her arm through Nico’s, stealing a quick kiss and half dragging Nico to the stairs.

###

Dia’s nursery was blue and green and white, with a sea and lighthouse theme. Fish and mammals and turtles played on the walls. In the low light of the nightlight, there was an almost bioluminescent glow to the undersea residents.

“Nico is surprised Little Mermaid wasn’t a choice when we talked Disney movies.”

“Don’t like that one…” Maki muttered.

“No, it’d be hard to lose your voice.”

“And music.”

“Yeah. Nico would hate that.”

They stood at the crib, Nico staring down at Dia, Maki watching Nico, Nico trying not to remember Cotaro in his crib, dark hair, serious face...Dia was relaxed, arms flung out, a tiny smile on her face.

What if they were in their house, standing together, Maki and Nico, both of them, looking at a child they’d had together after a whirlwind courtship and marriage? What if this were Nico’s house and when Dia woke up, she looked at Nico, saying “Momma,” and reaching up for a hug? What if…?

“She’s beautiful.” Nico whispered and then her breath hitched and sudden water in her eyes stung. She let go of the crib and rushed to the door.

“Good night, Dia. We’ll see you tomorrow.” Maki left the lightest of kisses on her daughter’s forehead, wondering if she’d seen tears in Nico’s eyes. But Nico was already downstairs, considering the stuffed pizzas.

“Do you want pesto or sausage? And we need plates. And forks. And…”

“I’ve had stuffed pizza before, Nico. Just give me a minute to find the pie server.”

###

Cocoa had raved about a movie called The Half Of It so Nico suggested they watch that. Maki had recognized it, but said Nico needed to watch Saving Face, director Alice Wu’s first movie, about a doctor and a dancer and their families.

“You’ll love the mom. She’s so funny.”

“And the main character’s a doctor? So Nico will find out what doctoring is like?”

“Yep.”

The movie progressed; the pizza was eaten, with occasional garlic flavored kisses shared, but Maki kept picking up unease from Nico. Was it lingering from yesterday, the obvious tension between Nico and her mom? Or whatever Nico and Eli had talked about last night? Something obviously had claimed some of Nico’s attention. But after pizza, Maki had curled up next to Nico, encouraging Nico to drop her arm around Maki’s shoulder. And as the flirting between Wil and Vivian got sexier, kisses and more intimate gestures right there on the screen, building a mood, Maki could feel Nico pull her closer. Maki nudged Nico on the cheek, getting her to turn, tempting her into a luring, longing kiss. Whatever worries had been on Nico’s mind had been eclipsed, Maki smiling as she felt agile hands slide under her shirt, warm against bare skin, Nico murmuring endearments between kisses and shiver inducing nibbles along Maki’s neck and jaw.

And then Nico’s phone went off, one of her raps.

“Damn it.” Nico grabbed for her phone, Maki falling down on the couch when Nico let go, “It’s Cocoro’s emergency tone. Sorry.” And all Nico’s attention was on the call, “What’s up? Nico’s super busy....Yes, Maki and Dia came to the house yesterday. Did Mama tell you?”

Dia? Alert, Maki sat up.

Nico was listening. “What did Mama say...why...no, we can’t say that….Nico won’t let…”

Maki had no idea why Nico’s sister had anything to say about Dia. Nico had turned away, about to get off the couch, Maki reached over Nico’s shoulder, pulling the phone away, switching it to speaker.

“Why are you talking about my daughter?”

“Dr. Nishikino?” Cocoro’s voice was tense, “You’re there? Good, then we can settle what the language should be.”

“What language? Why does Nico have anything to do with Dia?”

Nico grunted, it reminded Maki of someone stubbing a toe.

“Pictures have been circulating on TWIG of Nico Yazawa’s secret daughter.”

“Nico doesn’t have a secret daughter…” Maki suddenly realized she was doing all the talking, “Nico?”

Nico took her phone back, leaving it on speaker, but switching to the TWIG app. A quick search of “#Nico” brought up a snap of Nico hugging Dia in front of her house, Nico’s mother in the background, Maki nowhere to be seen.

Nico stared. Cocoro continued to panic chatter, “All we need to do is release a picture of you, Dr. Nishikino, Dr. Nishikino’s daughter, and the statement that you and Dr. Nishikino are dating and Dia is not your daughter. People are running facial match software and getting confirmation. Next they’ll be wondering who the father is…”

“Dia doesn't have a father,” Maki’s fists clenched. No one but Eli was supposed to have any details of her pregnancy with Dia.

“Shut up. Both of you.” Nico snapped, the phone dropping to the couch, Nico’s head dropping into her hands.

“Just tell them Dia’s my daughter.”

Cocoro's tone brightened. “Dr. Nishikino is being unexpectedly helpful, Nico. We can get ahead of this.”

“Just release the statement, Cocoro. Nico and I can talk to the press.” A practical solution, Maki decided.

“Let Nico think. Both of you. Just be quiet. Nico needs quiet.” Nico ended the call.

“Nico, Dia is my daughter. We can just tell everyone. We don’t have to keep us dating a secret. I don’t care what my parents think.” Maki sat next to Nico, brushing fingers through Nico’s hair.

There was a long pause, Nico enjoying Maki's touch. Then she pulled away. “Maki could just marry me. That might save Nico.” Nico sounded like someone hanging onto a building ledge by a ladder made of split fingernails and cruel laughter.

Nico’s tone and odd behavior scared Maki, “How can you joke about that, Nico?”

Nico raised her head, tears streaming down her face, “You don’t know this yet, but Nico is a terrible liar.”

“What does that mean Nico? Do you have a secret daughter…”

“Maki…”

Maki’s ringtone went off. She glanced at her phone, “It’s Eli.”

Nico dropped her head again, “Answer it. We might as well blow everything up.”

Maki hit speaker, snarling, “What is it, Eli? Want to let me know Dia is Nico’s daughter too?”

“Oh good,” Eli sounded relieved, “Nico told you.”

Maki was on her feet, shouting, “NICO TOLD ME WHAT?!!!???!!!”

“About her paperwork? And Nozomi? I'm really sorry, Maki.”

Maki felt pale. Her knees wobbled. The room unfocused. Black spots dotting everything. Nico ended the call.

Before Maki could fall, Nico was there, “Maki? C’mon, breathe. Take it slow, breathe for Nico.”

Maki shook off Nico, and ran upstairs to Dia, pulling her out of her crib, holding her tightly, Dia blinking, confused. Nico was there, almost instantly.

“Can we talk?”

“Go away, Nico.”

“Maki. Please.”

“GO AWAY NOW, NICO!” Maki screamed. “Leave us alone.”

Dia started to cry.

Nico stepped back, “Call me later, please, Maki. Or let Eli explain. I’ll have Cocoro tell everyone Dia’s your daughter. I’m sorry this happened like this." A pause, Nico reaching a hand out, almost touching them. "It’ll be all right, Dia.”

“Don’t tell Dia anything.” Maki growled, Dia pressed against her as she glared at Nico, daring her to come any closer.

Retreating into the hall, Nico forced tears back, or she’d be wailing as loud as Dia. How had this gone so wrong?

A/N: Rainy, moody weather.

#NicoMaki #baby Dia #Nishikino Maki #Yazawa Nico #NozoEli #Ayase Eli #Tojo Nozomi #Single Parent AU #angsty

[skzhabibi]

An Old Crush (A Long, Bittersweet Personal Storytime/Rant)

When I was in Junior High, I had really, REALLY low self esteem. I was still very much in the awkward phase of puberty and all of those hormones paired with the fact I was having lots of problems at home resulted in some pretty severe mental health issues (which I won’t get too much into, because I don’t wanna trigger anyone). Not only that, but I’m naturally pretty sensitive, so any negative comments people had made about my appearance in the past, whether they were trash talking my hand-me-down clothes, pale ass skin, acne, big nose, etc., it really stuck with me. I was a mess, basically. And I’m part Arab on my mom’s side, so seeing a psychiatrist was never really an option.

Anyways, I was 13 or 14 (8th grade) when I took my 1st Spanish class. This had a bunch of the more “popular” kids in it, because they were trying to get the credit out of the way before High School and there were only 2 teachers who taught Spanish at my school, so it was bound to happen. There was a popular boy in my class, called T for the sake of the story, who sat a seat in front and to the left. I don’t know how we first started talking, but it was probably because of many factors. I laughed at his jokes, he sat near me in Spanish and English which we had right after, I was pretty solid academically at the time and he wasn’t, we had a couple mutual friends/acquaintances, etc... I guess it’s also good to mention he was known for his good looks and the fact he was A-string quarterback on our shitty little football team while I was kind of a social floater; a decent amount of people knew of me, but not many people actually knew me well, if at all.

I didn’t really pay him any mind in a romantic way at first, to be honest. I just thought he was reasonably attractive, but I figured he’d think himself “too cool” to be associated with me since that’s the vibe a lot of the other popular boys in the class had given me if I ever tried making friends with them. People really just gave me the cold shoulder in general, which hurt my feelings, so I wasn’t gonna risk it anymore. But what really made that first little crush for him start was when one day as I was rushing to get out the door first after the bell rang (which I always did because I’m impatient as fUCK and hate that huge ass crowd you had to shove through or come out last), he rushed forward, squeezing through the door around the other jocks and practically pushing them out of the way, to catch up to me and ask me to walk to English together. As an inexperienced little simp, that shit really looked like something out of a movie. It gave me such a needed boost of confidence that I actually started beaming, which was REALLY out of character for me (I’ve always been known for my “resting bitch face”).

So this became such a regular thing, walking to English, that we actually began waiting for each other by our desks to pack our stuff up, and we were usually around the last 2 to leave the room. At some point I finally plucked up the courage to ask him for his number, which was TERRIFYING because I’d never done anything like that. I think I made some excuse that since we had 2 classes together if we forgot about the homework we could remind each other (holy shit I was such a nerd). We texted a few times, but it never got super deep that I remember. I never really initiated the conversations because I didn’t want to make it seem like I liked him even though at this point I REALLY did; I even told a couple of my friends, which I didn’t normally do either. I was always someone to bottle up that shit and bury it so it never saw the light of day because I was so fucking afraid of rejection (Fragile Ass Self Esteem wants to know your location).

I literally thought that I was unlikeable in every sense of the word, so a bunch of the signs that he liked me back at the time never dawned on me. He could’ve literally screamed in my face that he liked me and I’d probably be like “As a Friend, right???”

I guess I’ll just take this moment to tell you about a bunch of the things that should’ve bee HUGE ASS signs he liked me:

1.) This girl on the volleyball team at our table in English that T knew would make passes about how he was really sought-after by a shit ton of girls and then look at me. He also looked at me afterwards like he was shy but gauging my reaction. She had a sort of Jade from Victorious vibe to her so I figured she saw through me and was trying to embarrass me by getting a reaction, so I kept my face straight.

2.) He would compliment me more than anyone else I spoke to (which was uhhhh never. I never got complimented.) For example: He was always calling me smart or a “try hard” to joke with me. I took it as an expression of friendly jealousy. When I curled my hair one day he noticed and literally said, “Can we all take a moment to appreciate (my name)’s hair?” It made me blush so hard, but I thought he was making fun of me. He would also insist on reading my shit or me reading his when the English teacher made us peer review/journal check and would compliment the work I did or my handwriting or how organized it looked. Living that emotionally stunted Y/N life.

3.) The Spanish teacher made us partner up any time there was group work, and she moved his seat to right next to mine every routine seat change. I was gullible as shit thinking that that was coincidental when he had other friends in class. I figured it was cuz I was good and he sucked at Spanish lmaooo. I’ve since read posts on reddit where teachers have confirmed that they can tell when kids have crushes on each other and they’ll play wingman/woman. When I read that I was like WAIT A DAMN MINUTE. Mrs. G was a real one and I was so fucking oblivious to it.

4.) Another girl on the volleyball team asked if he and I were dating. I was taken aback and said no, we weren’t (conveniently leaving out the “I wish”) and asked why she would think that. The reason she gave was that since people saw us walk together between classes, a lot of people figured we were together. I chalked it up to stupid gossip that had no roots in anything he said, so I laughed it off to keep from getting my hopes up.

5.) A similar thing happened AGAIN with a guy who was also on the football team. When he learned my name, he was like, “Wait, (my first and last)?” And I was like yeah wtf how did you know my last without me telling you? And he’s straight up like, “Oh, you’re the girl T has a thing for.” AND I WAS SO FUCKING BLIND OMFG I was just like well he’s never told me he likes me so even though multiple people at this point have said something I think that is completely baseless fake news.

6.) One of the MOST telling signs: he would always say hi to me outside of classes when I was alone. He found me outside my locker one day and started talking to me. The coaches would make the kids on sports teams run back to locker room, and one day he was doing that when he saw me at my locker (which was right by the sport locker rooms since I was in girls’ athletics). His teammates would glance at me while they ran by, and he told me to wait for him while he changed so we could walk to Spanish (1st period) together. Ngl, this really sealed the nail in the coffin for my huge ass crush on this kid. I was taken aback because I thought our friendship was just for convenience and he didn’t actually see me as a real friend he would be seen outside of class with. But in the end I still psyched myself out by saying I was just something to entertain him.

7.) One time in the library, I was working on printing out some paper. An annoying ass kid who was overly friendly and rode the bus with me was talking to me a lot, and I was pretty clearly not interested in my mind at least. T walked in for some reason and smiled and said “Hey, (my name)” pretty loudly. I wasn’t expecting to see him, so I was just like “Oh, hey, T,” because I lack social skills. He glanced at the kid and back at me and his face kinda dropped before he kept walking. I think the kid asked me to hang out with him and our mutual friend and I was basically like no thanks man I’m kinda busy.

8.) Other times he would do this as well. One time my girl friend and I were sitting across from each other at a lunch table in the morning after getting off the bus. Out of LITERALLY NOWHERE he just swoops in and sits next to my friend across from me and starts talking to me about some project in Spanish he finished, showing me excitedly what he wrote and asking if it was right. He pretty much ignored my friend, and she was hella socially anxious and knew about my crush on him so she kinda got huge eyes and shut down socially. He and I talked for a bit before it got awkward because we ran out of shit to say and it was awkward now that we had an extra person and we pretty much only talked to each other without anyone else in the conversation. He left after that and my friend and I freaked tf out.

9.) One time while I was waiting for the bus in the cafeteria after school, I was alone because my friends were taking too long. I was on my phone when he comes up and starts talking to me. I was hella fucking awkward because for some reason I‘m always a fucking stiff around the person I like. Then my guy friend who rode the same bus came up and cock blocked the shit out of T because he’s super fucking loud and just starts fucking around. He and I are super close even to this day and I guess T got intimidated by how easily we were joking around and kinda saw himself out before I could say anything.

10.) THIS LIST IS GETTING TOO LONG SKDJDJASKDJDJ BUT I FUCKIN FORGOT whenever we would walk between classes we would sometimes not even talk. Like whenever the conversation died we would just kinda stare into each other’s eyes 😂 I thought I was just being creepy, but he fucking smiled at me when it happened why am I so dUmB fUUUCK. Also sometimes the popular kids would run up behind us and fuck with him like make fun of him or make some sort of awkward pass that I wouldn’t react to before running down the hall ahead of us. My guess now is that he was meaning to make a move but my neutral reaction to whatever dumbass thing they said made it impossible to tell if I felt the same so he chickened out.

ANYWAYS I think our little friendship/mutual pining fizzled our after one time he made a more up front attempt because at this point he was probably fed up with waiting for me to get the hint but this exchange really fucking backfired:

Basically he got a girlfriend, this girl on GUESS WHAT??! THE VOLLEYBALL TEAM. I heard about it straight from him while we’re walking to English together and that shit hurted but I was like whatever I still want him as a friend and this pretty much confirmed in my mind that he NEVER liked me. So basically he’s talking about how he’s been seeing her to pass the time but he doesn’t actually like her. And I was like why not? She’s really cool/nice and REALLY pretty. But if you don’t like her then why date her? Seems like a waste of time. He’s like yeah well basically she said she liked me so I asked her out but tbh I think she’s annoying. And I’m like what did she do something on a date that was annoying? STILL UTTERLY CLUELESS AND HES DEADASS LIKE what are you jealous like in a flirty way and my DUMB. ASS. Is like.... WHATTTT PSHHH NO I MEAN WE’RE JUST BROSSS AHAHA.

Can I get an F in the chat pls?

Basically we just stopped talking after a while. I think my friend texting his brother officially knifed the shit out of that ship’s sail. Years later I confessed that I liked him back then and asked if he liked me back back then so I could stop worrying about gaslighting myself and he’s basically like yeah I would’ve tried something with you (came across really unenthusiastic). And then one time in like my freshman year of community college I was with my bio study group in the library going to where we were meeting up for a project when I felt eyes on me from the computers and literally LOCKED EYES WITH HIM AND HES JUST LIKE 👁👄👁

LMAO I PRETENDED LIKE I DIDNT KNOW THAT BITCH

OH TO SEE WITHOUT MY EYES

1 like = 1 smash of your head against the wall at my fucking idiocy

[donttellpeterparker]

HSMTMTS Part 2

Summary: Coming into Junior Year things were going to be different. With my handsome and sweet Senior boyfriend on my arm, I could do and be anything I wanted, nothing was going to stop me... except... of course... maybe him.

Requested: Yes, I'm absolutely loving this request! Thank you! x

Word Count: 2.4k

Warning(s)?: A little more angst, sorry (Italics in quotation are lyrics), Written in third and first person which is something different, Yes this is following the script from the show so please no comments about how it's exactly like it because... that's kinda the point :)

Taglist: Open

masterlist

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HSMTMTS

''You know, I'm actually kinda bummed that we don't have any competition here. It would make getting the leads so much sweeter'' I wanted to slap his arm for saying something like that. So I did, softly.

''Would you stop tempting fate?'' I asked, an amused smile across my lips. My boyfriend just smiles back, winking.

''You know what, you're right. Whatever'' I threw my hands up in the air and smiled to myself in the mirror. EJ, my boyfriend, lent down and kissed my cheek tenderly, sending me a warm smile as well. I enjoyed sweet moments like this with him, and loved that he was able to calm my nerves in stressful situations. Straight after the announcement in gym, all the drama geeks and me where going crazy over the new musical. We were going to recreate High School Musical and honestly, I'm the most excited I've been for a musical ever.

I've always dreamed of landing the lead role, being center staged while I performed with my heart and soul but reality came crashing in. I had stage freight, bad. Not only that, I hate being the center of attention and that was what the lead was all about, in another life, I'd nail it, in this one... I'm not so sure.

A loud knock on the door caused us all to stop chatting, all of us turning our heads to face the opened door.

''Okay, theater people. Let's do this'' Our new Drama teacher claps her hands. I turn to both EJ and my best friend, smiling nervously as I hoped out of the chair, reaching to hold EJ's hand as we walked out of the dressing room and into the theater.

Waiting backstage was even more nerve racking then actually performing. Trying to size up the competition was always the most stressful part of auditions for me.

''She's good'' I sighed to myself, admiring one of the girls dancing with her group. I could hear EJ huff from beside me, his hands reaching for my shoulders to spin me around to face him.

''Don't psych yourself out Y/N, you got this, you always had'' He cheers me up, cupping my chin. I smile up at him, feeling myself grow slightly less nervous. What would I do without him.

''Okay, thank you final group! Now we'll move onto to the solo auditions!'' Mrs Jen, our drama teacher, called out loudly, her voice echoing around. EJ grabs my shoulder in encouragement before stepping out along with the others. I took a moment to gain my composure before walking out as well.

She got us all to stand up and in a line, assigning us roles she thinks we are best suited for. I tried to tune her out as I focused on my breathing, trying not to shake on my spot.

''Chad... definitely'' The teacher says, smiling as she hands the excited Junior his script. She's only two students away...

''Mrs Darbus... you're giving me deceased vibes'' I eyed her curiously, finding her growing a little weird with each passing minute.

''Yep'' Was all the deflated student replied with, taking her script with a sigh. She then stops at the girl beside me, smiling brightly.

''Gabriella''

''Of course'' The girl beside me beamed with pride, the choreographer behind her going to hand her a script.

''Don't worry, I'm already off-book'' The girl proudly stated earning impressed looks from both the teacher and the student choreographer.

''And how about we have you read for... Kelsi'' Mrs Jen flicks through her papers on her clipboard, glancing up to me with a smile afterwards. My smile falters, my fingers playing with each other in nerves. EJ looks at me from further down the line, mouthing at me to 'own it'.

''Um... I was kinda hoping to read for Gabriella''

''Oh, okay'' She said, the student behind her handing me a script for the part. I smiled proudly to myself, glancing down to the script in my hands. The auditions continued on, most of the students going before me or EJ.

My mind began travelling back to all my other auditions, analyzing what techniques to use for this one. I just had my fingers crossed, hoping I would get my dream part. EJ, had his arm around my shoulder, having me lean into him as we stood and waited backstage.

''Hey, I could really use some last-minute tips'' I spoke up to EJ, growing nervous all over again.

''Just do your thing, You went on for the lead this summer with only 20 minutes notice, not missing one beat. Honestly, there's nothing you can't do'' I smiled thankfully up to him, leaning up to peck his lips.

''I can't stop my hands from shaking and my voice keeps going extremely high and-'' EJ grabs my hands, laughing slightly to himself.

''You're being an absolute weirdo, but you're real, that's probably why I'm in love with you'' My smile fell, my mouth widening slightly. Unfortunately, his words just triggered a memory I thought I had long buried. I turned away from him and tried to smile again, hoping I haven't hurt or upset him before being called out onto stage.

As I walked out my head was swirling. EJ and I have only been dating for a month and yet he... said that he loved me. How could he? I was no where near feeling that was towards him yet. Maybe this was how Peter felt when I told him I loved him...

''Okay, whenever you're ready Y/N...'' I took in a deep breath but flinched once a loud thud echoed in the air.

''Am I too late? Am I too late?'' I looked up confused, seeing Peter in the distance. He began running down, his guitar case moving with him.

''We're all set on Troy's but we're low on Chads'' Mrs Jenn calls out to him. I bit my lip and frowned, anger beginning to boil inside me. Why the hell was he here? And of course... he was late to this too...

The lights began flickering around me, most of them shutting off. I glanced out and saw Mrs Jenn fusing around with the controls. Great.

''Okay, let's just wait for the lights to come back on, I don't want this to throw you, sweetie'' Mrs Jenn soothed, still fussing around a little with the controls. I sighed to myself, taking another deep breath.

''I'm not thrown'' I gulped, growing more and more nervous. Yep, I was going to do this...

''Living in my own world, didn't understand... That anything can happen, when you take a chance...'' I stopped once I saw a light shining on me. My gaze followed to see Peter standing not too far away, his phone held up with the light switched on. My eyes fell onto him as I continued.

''I never believed in, What I couldn't see... I never opened my heart...'' There was another light. I turned to face EJ now, a smile growing on my face.

''To all the possibilities, Oh, I know that something had changed... Never felt this way... And right here tonight... This could be the start... Of something new... It feels so right to be here with you... Oh... and now I'm looking in your eyes... I feel in my heart... The start of something new... I never knew that it could happen till it happened to me... Oh, yeah... I didn't know it before but now it's easy to see... Oh... It's that start of something new... it feels so right to be here with you.. Oh... And now I'm looking in your eyes... I feel in my heart... The start of something new'' I stopped on the last note, a ghost of a smile crossing my face.

The lights shortly came back on, both Peter and EJ lowering their phones. I tried not to look at either of them and instead straight ahead towards Mrs Jenn.

''Okay, thank you Y/N, I only needed 32 bars. But I appreciate your commitment'' She said glancing down towards her clipboard.

''You, late boy'' She glanced over towards Peter, him freezing in the process.

''Let's do the Chad sides'' She said, ushering him on stage. I began walking off to the corner where everyone else was, sitting down beside EJ. He wrapped an arm around me again, pulling me closer.

''Hey there, I'm Peter Parker. I'm a Junior. And, uh... here goes'' He looks down at his script.

''I don't get it, Troy. What kinda spell has this elevated IQ temptress-girl cast that suddenly makes you wanna be in a musical?'' He falters slightly. He glances down and scrunches it up in his hand, sighing to himself.

''I don't know. Maybe it's the way Gabriella always had your back. And maybe you can't stop beating yourself up for totally blowing it with her. And look, Troy. Even if you never said the L-word to Gabriella, 'cause that's, like, not even a word you've heard your parents say to each other... that doesn't mean that you don't. Maybe it just means you were waiting for the right moment, so that everyone could hear it. No. So that she could'' I bit my lip, hating the effect he was still able to have on me. My eyes were becoming watery and there was nothing I could do about it. I shook my head, wiping my hand across my face before leaning further into EJ, letting his body warmth calm me down a little.

Peter sighed to himself, his eyes never leaving her for a moment. He hated the way she was with her new boyfriend, he wanted to go over and rip his arm off of her but he couldn't.

''Okay, kiddo, time to sing'' Mrs Jenn cuts in, clasping her hands together. Peter reaches down towards his guitar case and pulls the guitar out, strapping the belt around him. He began to strum the chords softly, humming a little.

''Oh, no, he is not doing this'' I frowned once I heard the familiar tune. I turned my head and burrowed it into EJ's shoulder, trying to control my beating heart.

''So much has happened think of what we've done... In the time that the Earth has traveled around the Sun... Winter, Spring, Summer and we're back to Fall... We've been together hand-in-hand through it all...'' EJ's arm loosed around me, soon pulling away altogether. I lent forward and held my head in my hands, growing more and more humiliated by the second.

''It's just three little words, Yeah it's not a big deal... It's not like I can help feeling... All that I feel... Any by now, I'm sure you're thinking it's so obvious... But just in case it's not what I'm saying is this... What I'm saying is this... I think I kinda, you know... I think I kinda, you know... Like the way that we flow... Like the way that we go... And I love... I think I kinda, you know... I think I kinda, you know... You know... You know... You know how we can talk all night... And not run out of things to talk about?... It's rare that something feels this right... it feels so right... I think I kinda, you know... I think I kinda, you know... You know... You know... I think I kinda, you know... I think I kinda, you know... You know... You know... I can't help dreaming of you... Guess I'm saying I don't not love you... You know... You know... You know...'' I wanted to slap and kiss him right then and there. It was unfair the way he could still make me feel, even when I thought I had moved on.

What was he trying to prove? That he could still hurt me?

I hated him, I hated him, I hated him. I hated him so much that I-

''Love him! That was amazing sweetheart!'' Mrs Jenn cheered along with everyone else. I could feel EJ tense beside me, glaring daggers at Peter. I shook of the hurt and other feelings before leaning back into EJ, my hand circling around his with a small squeeze. He squeezed back, holding my hand tightly. But the anger was still boiling up inside...

I waited about 30 seconds after Peter left before racing after him, wanting to give him  piece of my mind.

''Hey!'' I called out once I saw the back of him and Ned. They both stopped, turning to face me. Ned patted Peter's shoulder before walking away.

''What are you doing here?'' I asked, crossing my hands over my chest.

''I'm auditioning''

''You hate Musicals'' I stated.

''That's a little harsh''

''We got kicked out of The Greatest Showman because you kept yelling, 'That's not realistic!' at the screen'' I pointed out.

''That was the old me'' Peter tried, placing his hands up.

''That was 5 months ago'' I countered back.

''Well, the new me thinks that Musicals are... awesome?'' I scoffed and rolled my eyes.

''Okay. Well, let me tell you about the old me. All right? the old me had her heart broken. Okay? and then she went away, and she found herself. And you don't get to show up now, just to try and... confuse things'' I breathed out. I hated how vulnerable I was feeling in front of him, the same as I was 2 months ago.

''You think that's why I'm here? No, no, Y/N. I always believed in you. In us. Even if I sucked at showing it. That's why I'm here'' Peter finished, his eyes softening near the end. I screwed my lips shut, hoping not to let another tear fall because of him.

''Well, it's a little too late'' I harshly wiped my hand across my cheek, removing the lone tear that fell.

''Clear!'' We could hear the sound of multiple footsteps approach us. I turned to look away once my best friend grabbed my arm.

''Carlos is posting the cast list!'' She said excitedly, pulling me away. She gasped once she looked up, beginning to squeal beside him. I could have sworn my heart stopped once I read my name... next to Gabriella Montez.

But it dropped once I read Peter's name next to Troy Bolton.

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A/N: Here's part 2! Lemme know what you guys think! Vote and comment and definitely leave suggestions if there's any particular scenes you want me to write! Love you lovelies xx

#peter parker #peter parker x reader #peter parker imagines #tom holland #tom holland imagines #HSMTMTS #donttellpeterparker

[punkscowardschampions]

Jac & Savannah

Jac: Feel totally free to ignore this, and this isn't an attempt to further any more conversation between us again if you don't want it, but it would feel bizarre to pretend...well, that we hadn't known each other before, or that I'd forgotten you entirely, so Jac: Obviously things weren't great when you left but I'm fully over that as no doubt you are too Jac: As we're classmates again, it makes sense to me that we are civil and prepared to work together if necessary but I'm not going to attempt more than that, nor am I holding some kind of grudge which would prohibit the former, I thought I'd reassure you of that, as well as just say, hello, I suppose 🙂 Savannah: You're right, it would be bizarre as well as counterproductive Savannah: though, we don't actually know each other any more, two formative years having passed, so I don't see why we can't start over Savannah: treating each other like we would our other classmates Jac: That sounds logical to me too Jac: I'd be happy to treat this as an introduction opposed to a reintroduction Savannah: okay Savannah: but before we do, I just want to say I'm really proud of you for getting in Jac: You too Jac: it's amazing, isn't it Jac: better than we had even visualized and worked and prayed for Savannah: I always knew you could do it Jac: I had no doubts about you, either Jac: potential that you'd changed your course and vision but whatever you put your mind and talent to Savannah: I did think you'd go to Bath, or that I would Jac: I could lie here and say something about preferring the history and culture of Edinburgh as a city, and finding St Andrews better in X Y Z but Jac: Bath didn't happen, is the reality of it Jac: but I'm not devastated, as I once would've been to be left with my 2nd choice Savannah: We don't have to lie, it didn't happen for me either, partly because catholic school did of course, but that's not the entirety of it Jac: I try to leave lying, however innocuous and pointless, two years ago, too Jac: Karma or otherwise, just stopped feeling worth it Jac: how was your new School? Savannah: A lot of things stopped feeling worth it to me too Savannah: Oh, Sienna liked it Savannah: I did not Jac: I am sorry to hear that Jac: I can't think of anything I would've liked less than being surrounded by other hormonal, crazy, moody, bitchy teenage girls either Savannah: at least she thrived, you wouldn't even recognise her now Savannah: she's so Savannah: Loud Jac: 😂 Jac: Loud can be good Jac: at least some positives came of it all Savannah: she reminds me of how I remember Jude Savannah: but she's happy, I think Jac: I think you'd still have recognized Jude Jac: likely from a mile off, giving you time to escape Jac: I hope she is Savannah: 😄 Jac: and that you'll be happier here than you were there, too Savannah: unless either of my parents enrol, we can take that as a given Jac: I'll drink to that Jac: complimentary coffee, that is Savannah: for now anyway Jac: Hopefully the plans get a little more exciting Savannah: 🙌 Jac: Have you heard any Psych school nights being organized or do you think one of us should bite that bullet and start the group chat? Savannah: we should do it Savannah: best foot forward, you know? Jac: Absolutely Jac: Why not, eh Jac: You're in halls too, right? Savannah: Yes Savannah: where are you? Jac: John Burnet, how about you? Savannah: You only get a single bed too! Savannah: I'm in University Hall Savannah: it's so pretty Jac: The nuns taught you well then 😛 Jac: I think it's worth it for the architecture, we'll just have to remember not to roll Savannah: 👼🏾🙏🏾 Savannah: It wasn't worth ANOTHER argument with my dad about co-ed Jac: and you get to have the Libraries literally right on your doorstep Jac: I was debating it, but I'm still better in smaller crowds, that sold JB to me ultimately Savannah: if my dad didn't run my life I totally would've applied there too Savannah: I love that it has a garden Jac: I know, right? Jac: Well you can use my little patch of 🌷 🌹 🌺 🌸 🌼 🌻 whenever you like, because I'll certainly be haunting the libraries enough Savannah: You haven't lost any of your sweetness Savannah: & of course you must, I hate studying alone Jac: I'll probably be tragically uncool forever, our classmates may as well find out sooner rather than later 💁 Jac: if the sight of all those books gets too much, there's always the 🏖 for maximum studying, I'm sure Savannah: No way! I had more fun with you than I've had with anyone else EVER Savannah: they'll find all your good points Jac: 😊 Jac: Okay, we did have some fun Savannah: a lot Jac: I can't/shan't disagree with that Savannah: it doesn't feel like two years Savannah: sometimes more like twenty, or like two months Jac: It is really weird, I felt like I haven't said it because it can't be overstated Jac: but good weird Jac: are any of your friends from Sligo here too? Jac: I don't know anyone Savannah: I don't know anyone either Jac: A familiar face is a good thing Jac: as is getting to know each other afresh, they can coexist Savannah: I thought it was for the best that nobody followed me here, until I saw you Jac: Shocking as it was Jac: glad the 😱 isn't permanent Jac: I'd hate to do that to you, honestly Savannah: you don't believe I could pull it off? Jac: Of course you could Jac: but your 😄 is undeniably a better look Savannah: my lips ARE very big, I could end up looking like a blow up doll if I'm forever open mouthed from today onwards Savannah: then I'd never marry a prince Jac: Why we're here, obviously Savannah: Everyone thinks so Savannah: just because my boyfriend dumped me after the leavers cert Jac: Oof Jac: that's rough Jac: though at least he didn't steal your Summer? I guess Savannah: Oh my god! That's exactly what he said Savannah: no wonder he reminded me of you Jac: Oh God 😬 are you suggesting I should be in Sallies with the rest of the fuckboys? 😂 Jac: not the crowd I was hoping to get in with but, you know Savannah: where you are is perfect for you Jac: 🤞 Savannah: it feels right being here Jac: Yeah Jac: it really does Savannah: I was worried I wouldn't feel that when I actually got here but 🙏🏾 Jac: I thought it'd be scarier being away from home Jac: but if anything, it's a relief Savannah: you don't have to share a room with Jude any more, it obviously would be Savannah: how is everyone though? Jac: 🍵🙊 Jac: No, they're good, all doing their own thing Jac: Jesse's got his music, the kids are the same old Jac: oh, Jameson got a girlfriend though, that's cute Savannah: I can't believe one brother is literally famous and the other is adorably loved up Savannah: Sienna hasn't had a boyfriend yet, I think that's my fault Jac: Honestly, they're both unbearable now 😏 Jac: overprotective big sister vibes or off-putting dumping ex? Savannah: Jesse was always an acquired taste, which I never did Savannah: Oh, both, for sure 🤫 Jac: Musically and personality-wise, he'd agree you have a point Jac: long as she's happy, like you said Jac: always found them too distracting myself Savannah: I suppose I just always needed a distraction Jac: Clearly, that's why we aren't having this conversation in Bath Jac: for the best, in the end 🌌🔮 Savannah: I hope so Jac: Honestly, it's a better uni Jac: and I'm not just lying to myself/you to make us feel better 😂 Jac: Delia Rockford, you remember her, right? Jac: She got into Bath, so, you aren't missing out, is what I mean Savannah: I hate her Jac: She's doing International Management and German Jac: the language of the future 🤨 Savannah: She's German descent! That's basically cheating Jac: You'd think she's got a place at Cambridge studying classics the way she's been bragging Jac: they aren't remotely top in languages or whatever the hell International Management is but alright 🙄 Savannah: I'm so glad she blocked me after what happened during the party at Michelle Brennan's house Savannah: which wasn't even my fault Jac: Now that feels like a million years ago Savannah: It was Savannah: I don't think we were even friends yet Jac: We weren't for that long, in the grand scheme of things Jac: that's the weirdest part Jac: we were pretty intense, yeah Savannah: everything was pretty intense Jac: It was Jac: Isabelle is doing coaching at TUD Jac: we were never really the same but she's well in herself Savannah: She'll be incredible at that Savannah: if it had happened to me, there's no way I would've not been retaking the year Jac: I know Savannah: did you hear about my mum? Jac: No, I don't think I did? Savannah: she'll appreciate it not being common knowledge, I guess Jac: Is she okay? Savannah: She's doing better now Savannah: which I suppose means she's at about the same level as she was before I left Savannah: because she really struggled after Jac: It must've been really hard for her Jac: to have you two gone, and realize it probably was for the best Jac: did you see her much, in these two years? Savannah: not as much as I should've Jac: You can't be blamed for that Jac: you had to take care of yourself, and Sienna Savannah: but she needed me to stay Jac: Maybe she needed to sort herself out Jac: and she's getting there Jac: our parents shouldn't be our responsibility Savannah: It has to work out here, you know? Savannah: I can't go back Jac: Of course it will Jac: you're going to be fine, amazing Jac: and then you can do your masters and your Ph.D. and then marry a prince and you'll have several royal residences, neither of which will be in Dubo or Sligo Savannah: I'm just sick of things being painful, difficult is fine, but I want it not to hurt Savannah: which is a HUGE overshare if we met today Jac: it's cool Jac: I hear everyone is best friends for life fresher's week Savannah: that makes me feel a lot better Savannah: especially when I pause to consider how many of them I'm likely to cry on before it's over Jac: It's basically tradition Jac: you won't be the only one Jac: moving forward, it's bound to make you think more about what you're leaving behind, even if temporarily Savannah: I've missed you Savannah: sorry if that's like leaping over a boundary or something Jac: I wouldn't have bet on that being what you said, should I ever see you again Jac: but it's better than what I would've Savannah: It's not like this with anyone else Savannah: I can't change that Jac: I never really Jac: like I went out, people would talk to me, I'm not trying to sell a sob story here Jac: but you're right Jac: it was never the same with anyone else, not remotely Savannah: I've given you mine already, so if you have one, it's okay to tell it or not Savannah: even if I'm so embarrassed I did that Jac: Seriously, no need Jac: you were there to witness my unfinest hour Jac: I treated lots of people like shit Jac: Is, mainly Jac: but you too, in lots of ways Jac: not proud of it, but I changed, still am, hopefully Savannah: I hope you don't change too much though Jac: Yeah? Savannah: I thought you were perfect how you were Jac: And I'm the sweet one Savannah: we both made mistakes, but that's human Jac: It's been a while since anyone's accused me of being human Jac: all those exams Jac: 🤖 felt more fitting Savannah: & you look so 👼🏻 Jac: You look as flawless as you ever did Savannah: My auntie mailed all her good skincare to Sligo Jac: expect no less 🙌 Savannah: the fresher air was 🙌 Savannah: even if the rural accents took me by surprise Jac: 😵 or 🥴 surprise though? Savannah: not like 😊 😋 😍 😘 🥰 Jac: the accent here is pretty 🤭 Jac: though Savannah: which one? 😄 Jac: Valid Jac: very town VS gown Savannah: which one though? Savannah: tell me Jac: The original Savannah: very Romeo & Juliet of you Jac: Oh no Jac: am I that cliche now? Savannah: we'll see Jac: Sounds slightly concerning Jac: but I'll do my best to subvert expectations Savannah: it'll be concerning if you get distracted by some boy's accent after working this hard to get here Savannah: unless he's a prince, obviously Jac: Not changed that much Jac: I'd get disowned if I married royalty, anyway Savannah: 🚫💍👰 Savannah: just adorable heirs to the throne Savannah: 👶👶👶👶👶 Jac: adorable, illegitimate bastards ❤ Savannah: yes Savannah: or is that another cliche? Jac: Probably Jac: although if we are educated, career women now, any babies is beating expectations Savannah: except not really because every career woman is also determined to become a mother & prove she can have it all Jac: 🚫👶 it is then Jac: maybe a dissertation topic, at any rate Savannah: 😢 Jac: 👶🏾👶🏾👶🏾👶🏾👶🏾👶🏾👶🏾👶🏾👶🏾👶🏾 Jac: many as you like Savannah: they all need best friends Savannah: you have to stick to the plan Jac: Can I get through freshers first? Savannah: 🤞🏾 Jac: Please, I'm no amateur Savannah: I hope not, I'm single & the point is we do it at the same time Jac: as am I Jac: not feeling any 1st year that hard, thanks 😏 Savannah: you always date older, it's fine Jac: None of our lecturers were the one Jac: another cliche avoided Savannah: I'm not sad about that Jac: There's enough inequality of power about without actively seeking out the dynamic, agreed Savannah: ^^ Jac: the fashion show seems to have got the diversity memo though Jac: could be cool Savannah: it's going to be the highlight, I can feel it Jac: 😄 Jac: I was thinking Tues for our psych night, as nothing much is really going on Jac: what do you think? Savannah: good idea Jac: 👍 Savannah: I'll start the chat if you want Jac: You were always better at talking Savannah: when it's not that important, but when it matters, you always know exactly what to say Savannah: at least to me Jac: You're easy to talk to Jac: in a way I really could never work out Savannah: There's nobody in my life right now who would agreed with that Savannah: so it must be you Jac: my inbox full of unreads would say otherwise but Jac: I'll take it Savannah: okay, it's us together Savannah: does that make you happier? Jac: Better Savannah: your hair got really long Savannah: I'm BEYOND jealous Jac: You've got no reason to be jealous of any other girl in the world Savannah: you're not any other girl in the world Savannah: 🤫🤫 Jac: 😶 Jac: Promise Savannah: it looks beautiful, I can't cope Jac: My 😳 will not Savannah: 💗 Savannah: 🌷 🌺 🌸 Jac: Is that a dress code? Savannah: well NOW it is Jac: 😂 Jac: My wardrobe can accomodate Jac: cheers for the heads up Savannah: you're welcome Savannah: & we're all set until 💬 Jac: I better let you get on then Savannah: was it that good of a conversation starter? Jac: Solid Jac: will scare off anyone 😱 of 💗 🌷 🌺 🌸 Savannah: well I obviously don't need that negativity in my life Savannah: but I didn't mean to end this conversation Jac: We don't have to Jac: What are your plans for the rest of the day, now the obligatory are over? Savannah: don't judge me, because I know I sound like a different person, but I haven't made any Jac: Thank God, me neither Jac: I didn't know how long any of that would take Jac: nor unpacking, which is technically done but that says nothing about the decorating I wanna do Savannah: I could help Jac: Or, slightly more fair, we could check out the town, see what shops are about? Savannah: I'd like that Jac: Cool 🙂 Jac: let's have half an hour to debrief and make sure we don't look 😱 and then head out? Savannah: okay Savannah: you can put your hair up & save my life Jac: oh 🤫 Savannah: I am serious Savannah: 🚗 🚕 🚲 are distraction enough Jac: You could rock a cast Jac: but I won't let it happen Savannah: what would you write on it? Jac: That's a good 🧊breaker Jac: but I'll have to keep that secret for now Savannah: if I ask everyone on Tuesday, will you tell me then? Jac: It's a deal Savannah: it is

[midnightiscoming-kasabian]

The thing is, says Sergio Pizzorno, he didn’t intend to make an album like SLP at all. After he finished touring behind 2017’s For Crying Out Loud – Kasabian’s fifth number one album in a row - he liked the idea of doing a solo record: “I’ve been making a new Kasabian album every couple of years since 2004, I have my routines and I have the way I like to work, and I just think I felt I needed a re-set, so that I could approach the next Kasabian album from a different place”.

Nevertheless, he thought that his solo album would sound… well, like you might think a Sergio Pizzorno solo album would sound. He is, after all, famed not only as Kasabian’s chief songwriter, but a man dedicated to pushing esoteric influences – from MF Doom to Bulgarian psychedelia to avant-garde electronica – into the sonic framework of a mainstream, stadium-filling rock band. A solo album, you could reasonably expect, would be a chance for Pizzorno to let his freak flag fly, unencumbered by the need to make music fit to headline festivals and huge gigs.

“I didn’t need to bear any of that in mind,” he nods, “I didn’t necessarily think, ‘I need a single’, which was liberating. I could do whatever I wanted vocally, range-wise and character-wise. I could explore different parts of my own character that I could just turn up a bit. To begin with, I thought it was going to be way more experimental and I thought it was going to be way more odd in terms of the length of tracks and what people, even myself would maybe expect: going more into that sci-fi, Krautrock kind of thing.

“But what I found happening was that I was listening to a lot of Tyler The Creator and Mac Miller. I was in that world. I sort of got rid of all my synths and guitars and just sort of had phones and laptops and just picked out sounds. And it turned out like it did, and I thought it just felt right. In a way, it’s probably a bit more of a psychedelic move for me to do this than just to make the record I expected.”He says he found himself writing songs that didn’t end up how he imagined they would at all.

“There’s a track called Trance, which is a love song, it’s an end-of-the-night, sun-going-down, that beautiful moment. There’s a kind of French sophistication to it, it’s quite laid back, but it’s still got an ending that’s huge and euphoric and anthemic. It lulls you in. It doesn’t really want to be an anthem, it wasn’t really supposed to be, but somehow, I got to the end and thought ‘this is huge’. I love the idea of that twist, of people thinking ‘oh, right, I’ve got this’, then it suddenly turning into something else. That’s the thing about the album really, it kind of throws you all over the place.”

It certainly does. In fact, it’s fair to say that SLP isn’t an album that anyone could anticipate: an intriguing, unprecedented split between filmic instrumentals – audibly partly inspired by Roy Budd’s iconic soundtrack to the 1970 British gangster flick Get Carter – and richly melodic songs influenced by hip hop and grime.

“On the album, there’s three pieces of music that are like the start, the middle and the end of the album and all three pieces are called Meanwhile:

Meanwhile…in Genoa, Meanwhile…At The Welcome Break (featuring Slowthai) and Meanwhile…At The Silent Nowhere.

“There’s three notes that run through all of them, so they call you back, you’re back into a film. I like that, in an album, when you’re just dropped into a world and you go ‘OK, I’m here’. They gave the whole album a structure. It’s almost like a self-portrait, of where I am now, going down these avenues I’ve always wanted to go down, trying things I’ve not tried before.

“I just liked the idea of that cartoonish sort of thing, you know: “meanwhile, in the Batcave…” People see me in a band, they think: that’s what he does and that’s what he is, so the idea behind them is that meanwhile, he’s completely someone else, doing this other thing. And inbetween them, it was just a matter of exploring, turning everything up, just to see where it took me: experimenting with the way I sang, with different rhythms, with things that I’ve always wanted to do.”

Elsewhere, the album bounces from the distorted chaos of Soldiers to the dubbed-out psych-funk-new wave hybrid of The Wu, from Lockdown’s examination of “ending up in a flat at the end of the night with a group of people you know shouldn’t be there” (“there’s a reference to FIFA 94 in there,” he laughs, “because whenever you’re somewhere like that, there’s always something odd going on, some bloke sat in the corner playing some weird old computer game or eating dog chews or some shit like that”) to the piano ballad meets sun-kissed Balearic house of Nobody Else, a track that sums up SLP’s breezy, rulebook-out spirit of exploration.

“I started to learn jazz chords,” notes Pizzorno of the latter, “I was playing around with that, trying to do something in a Marvin Gaye, Stevie Wonder kind of vibe. It’s so important, that innocence of just exploring and experimenting, when you’ve got that little part of you going ‘can I get away with that?’ When you ask yourself that, you’re probably on the right track, because it means you’re doing something interesting. It’s like the album cover, I’ve got this mad glitter make up on, but it’s spread all my face like you would when you were a kid – it reminds you that playing is important.”

Elsewhere, there’s the intriguingly-titled Youngest Gary. ““That came from a friend of mine, who told me that the youngest Gary in Britain was 28: no one’s called Gary any more, so the youngest Gary in Britain is 28. It’s complete bollocks, but I loved it, wrote it down, and it turned into this story about a Ziggy Stardust kind of character, except he’s called Gary, who’s moved to London, he’s wandering about, the last of his kind, the last Gary in Britain. I just like the idea of people looking at the title and thinking ‘you can’t call a song that’, but there’s this mad story behind it.”

The single, Favourites, meanwhile, features a guest appearance from hot UK rapper Little Simz, sparring with Pizzorno on a song that ponders Tinder dating and “Identity in the digital age, where people are pretending to be someone else online, and that somehow drives us further away from being who we really are”.

“It was just me and my wife watching these girls flick through their phones, picking their dates,” says Pizzorno, “thinking about how people’s brains work in a world where nothing’s real and at no point are you really being yourself because it’s about projecting this image, this ideal that doesn’t really exist, you know: I can’t actually say the thing I want to say in front of this person because they think I’m like my profile, and my profile says I’m really arty and nice. That’s where that line comes from: “there’s a discrepancy in the bill!”

Little Simz came down to studio and she did it in literally two hours, so professional, just brilliant. She completely blew me away. It’s something that I’ve always wanted to do, make music with hip hop or grime artists. I feel like there’s a big crossover now in terms of the production of that kind of music, with how weird it’s all getting: it’s sort of moving over to where I’ve been: weird songs that change half-way through, little odd noises. I feel like I want to do more of this, even though I suppose people wouldn’t expect it of me or even know it was possible.”

The collaborative aspect of the project continues on the woozy ‘Meanwhile... At The Welcome Break’. Following a meeting with slowthai at one of his shows in Birmingham last year, Serge instantly recruited Tyron to feature on the album. In fact, he says, that’s how he would like the SLP project to develop in the future.

He is excited about the forthcoming SLP live shows early September “where I sort of play the songs in character, so each song will be part of my character, I’ll get into that role”, and fully intends to make more music under the banner.

“It sort of exists now, and that’s really exciting, because I have this outlet, I can be that person in that world. Moving forward, I’d like to collaborate more and open that door more. The SLP project will become this sort of place I can go and just do whatever. It’s so important to have that. My life in the band and my boys, that’s part of me that will be there forever, but then there’s something else I have to get that out or I won’t be able to move forward.”

Which does beg the question: what do the band and the boys make of all this?

“It’s been quite beautiful really,” he says. “Before the end of the last tour, I spoke to Tom and he was always, as ever super-positive: “yeah, I can’t wait, amazing, go man, amazing, amazing”. Then he went “hang on, you’re still going to do Kasabian, right?” I told him not to worry. I’ve sort of started on the new Kasabian album, actually.”

Hang on, you’re releasing a solo album and planning a series of solo gigs while making a new Kasabian album?

“Yeah,” he smiles. “Luckily for me, this is what I like, it’s just what I do. Making music feels like time off for me. You get to a certain point where you’ve sort of seen everything and you sort of know how things work, and you just…” – his voice dips into a whisper – “don’t give a fuck anymore about any of it.” He laughs. “You just go: I really like making music. Right, bang, let’s just make some music.”

#kasabian #sergio pizzorno #the s.l.p. #interviews #interviews 2019

[odinsblog]

Hey Odin, I wanted to say that you are my favorite blog. Your insight, thoughtfulness, and frankness have made you a blogger I highly admire. Because of that, I wanted to hear from you; I'm a public school Social Studies teacher who just switched from high school to middle school. This new age group and curriculum has me looking for new material. Lately, for BHM stuff. When you were young (12-13ish), what did you learn, or wish you had learned about history history?

Wow, thank you for the kind words. I was preparing myself for the usual asks I tend to get during February, and I was pleasantly surprised. I appreciate you for that.

Let’s see here … 

If I could go back and throw 12yr old me a lifeline for Black History Month in school, there are two things that come to mind that I wish I could change

1. I just wish I had more black teachers. When I was a kid, we moved around a lot because of my father’s job, but I always attended massively large public schools in big cities. I think the middle school(s) I attended had somewhere around like 2k or 3k students? But for all the teachers needed to teach that many kids, I think maybe I had two black teachers and one black dean in the entire school? This was always the case for me, right up through college.

At home me and my siblings got all the “you’re just as good as anyone else” and “you can do whatever you set your mind to” talks—and they were necessary—but for the black kids, once you stepped foot off the neighborhood school bus, you were on your own, surrounded by a sea of whiteness. Not exactly like “enemy” territory, but damn close enough. There were always tons of racial micro-aggressions, white cultural things I was expected to know about, but didn’t, and always a feeling, just beyond my perception, that maybe a comment a white teacher (or white students) made had some racial undertones, but that I couldn’t quite catch? (Don’t get me wrong, there were plenty of explicit racial comments made, but those were easy to detect and, because you expected those, they were easier to respond to, compartmentalize,  and eventually and let go of.) 

On a scale of 1 - 10, this was probably at a 1 or 2 on most days. But it adds up over time, right? Like a gradual, but constant build up of negative energy in your psyche.

So I know you can’t do anything to increase the number of black teachers at your school, but I thought it was important that you understand what it can feel like being a black student in a mostly white school. 

2. So here’s the real answer to your question: For Black History Month, I wish that teachers didn’t make it seem like a such an irksome chore that they couldn’t wait to be finished with. Whenever I had white teachers, that was the unmistakable vibe I always got, from teachers and white students my age. I didn’t realize it, but that vibe seeped into my 12yr old head at the time, and unfortunately, by the time I hit high school, I was like, “Ugh, here we go - I gotta sit through a week of teachers looking highly annoyed, rolling their eyes and giving some half-hearted presentation because it’s BHM” and it usually made me not wanna have to be there either.

And more importantly, I wish that BHM was integrated more into the school year? Like, it doesn’t even have to be prefaced as “Black” history all the time. It’s July and we’re learning about the agricultural practices of different countries? Cool, slide a black man or woman in there, throw up some slides on Henry Blair. We’re talking about business investors in December? Great, pass out some Madam CJ Walker business cards. Is it summertime and are we learning about cultures that were dependent on horses? Know who went horseback riding? Trayvon Martin. Oops, looky there: it’s not “Black” history, it’s just history that I’m constantly learning about all year round, just like European history. 

The familiar is comfortable, right? Make Black History familiar and comfortable. All year long.

And OMG, if I’m the only black kid in class and you never call on me during the rest of the year, PLEASE for the love of God, do not call on me to read a passage about slavery in front of the class during BHM. At least pull me aside and ask me if I want to do it first.

As long as you’re teaching me new things, relevant things that I didn’t know about before, and you’re making it fun and dropping it into the curriculum all year long, I almost don’t care what Black History I’m getting. So long as I’m getting it.

(Does anyone know if 12yr olds like podcasts? Because black podcasters are on fiyah right now. Just a suggestion.) 

Lastly, the one time I remember really having fun with Black History Month in middle school was when I had a black social studies teacher, and he taught us about Jack Johnson. Everyone lost their collective shit, even the white kids. He integrated boxing into the lesson plan, and we had to demonstrate that we were knowledgeable about boxing. Everyone loved it.

Sorry for rambling, but I hope something in all of that was useful. If I have any followers or mutuals who feel they can add to this post, please feel free to do so. Especially if you’re a teacher.

(SN: it occurs to me that my experiences may not reflect your school’s racial makeup (i.e. if you’re teaching in a predominantly black school), but still important, I think, as black teachers are so rare in so many public schools, and black students are frequently like the Lone Ranger in too many classes)

#heroicheretic #ask #answered #black history month #sometimes i dont know how to do short answers #sorry

[isa-ly]

OH MY, WHAT’S THIS?

TW: mental health, therapy

Golly gosh, has she really gone and made yet another god damn blog? Yes. Yes she has.

Let me explain myself. I know this is probably like what, my tenth or eleventh online blog that I’ve made now? You would think that I would have a huge and dedicated reader base by the rate and ferocity I create these blogs with, but well, since I forget about every .tumblr.com and .wordpress.com after about a month or two, it comes to no surprise that these unattended digital corpse-pages don’t really have many readers. Should maybe give them a proper burial by hitting that delete button and letting them move on to the afterlife of 1′s and 0′s. But since I don’t even remember half the URLs I came up with, they’re probably just gonna keep peacefully existing in the graveyard that is the the forgotten blog section of the internet.

So. Why another one? Why add onto the pile of aesthetic yet virtually empty “personal” websites?

I’m just going to tell you what my therapist told me: “It seems like you have so many thoughts in your head, it probably feels like exploding.”

Don’t worry, I’m not saying that I’m Miss Big Juicy Brain and too smart for my own good – that’s not what my lovely therapist meant either. The reason she said that to me was because in our latest session, she had asked me to give her a quick rundown of what goes through my head whenever anything emotionally triggering happens to me. I had then proceeded to talk for twenty whole minutes (there go twenty whole bucks, thanks a lot, non-existing public mental healthcare system) about what happened in my old noggin whenever ~A Feeling~ occurred. And I described it in such excruciating detail that I think she stopped taking notes halfway through and just zoned out. Can’t blame ya, Kerstin, twenty minutes of incohesive rambling doesn’t really meet the expectation of a “quick rundown”. Sorry for that.

Anyway, we then proceeded to talk about overthinking, as we have done a million times before. And, as we have also done a million times before, we came to the conclusion that my inner monologue resembles a thirty-meter death-ride water slide, when it comes to the velocity and severity of how fast and far I tend to spiral with my own thoughts.

Now, don’t worry, by now I’ve been in therapy for long enough to know how to safely land back on the floor. However, I did agree with my therapist that my intense introspection does sometimes compromise me in my day to day life, as I will spend days on end in my own head rather than in the world that lies outside of it. That then usually leads to self-isolation and that, in return, leads to even more introspection. Hooray, to unhealthy processing mechanisms!

Alright, enough self-deprication. Basically, the conclusion I came to in that session, was that I’m pretty much the exact opposite of the “no thoughts, head empty” meme. For me, it’s more like “all thoughts, head explode”. And while I’ve been trying to get better at sharing face-to-face what’s going on in my head, I don’t always have the energy to text, call or meet friends and make my brain form words that my mouth then says out loud (which, I realize, is also known as talking). 

I have made progress in that direction but ironically, these thought spirals tend to be the exact reason why I sometimes get into the bad mindset of thinking “Ugh, why even bother sharing? It’s already exhausting enough to just think it. Talking and explaining will be even harder.” And I know that that is not entirely true but listen, change comes in waves and you can’t battle all your inner demons at once. It is important to choose your battles accordingly to your strengths.

So, that is what I’m doing. I am choosing a battle by making a compromise. And making a blog. 

God, how awfully millenial of me. What’s next? A TikTok account where I ironically document my panic attacks over the sounds of Jason Deulos’ ‘Savage Love’? (Hold on, just gonna note that idea down for later...)

Seriously, I realize that this has a certain bobo-esque, self-absorbed cringe vibe to it (did I really just say vibe, this is worse than I thought). However, I also care for and know myself well enough that I tend to downplay and ridicule the fact that I really do have a massive stick up my ass when it comes to talking about my emotions, my traumas and all those pesky, invasive thoughts. And that’s why Kerstin and me came up with the idea of me simply making a blog where I can dump all my thoughts whenever it feels like they are getting too much.

This is obviously not the first time that someone thought of jutting down what’s going through their head. I am self-aware enough to know that I didn’t invent the concept of writing about my life and inner turmoil. YouTubers and ex-Vine stars already did that before me, just look at the list of New York Times Bestselling Authors and you’ll see it for yourself. And if Gabbie Hannah can publish her own poetry book (never forget “Link ... in Bio”), I can damn well make another unknown blog where I share what seems to have gotten stuck somewhere on the way from my brain to my mouth.

Sorry, by the way, if nobody got those weird references. Whenever I’m not busy bashing my overthinking head against the metaphorical wall of fear of my sharing emotions, I spend most of my time watching drama channels explain why yet another book published by yet another unproportionally famous vlogger is yet again unsurprisingly shit. But that’s not the point of this first blog entry, so let’s let the money-hungry world of YouTubers performing figurative self-fellatio rest.

Bottom line: I need to get better at talking. To people other than my therapist, that is. Because frankly, if that poor woman has to listen to even more twenty minute rants of me dissecting my own broken psyche, she’s probably gonna quit her job and then I officially have no one left to chew through my issues with. And that would be quite unfortunate for everyone involved.

So, I want to practice. Try out the whole brain-to-mouth thing, but in a less confrontational way, by making it a brain-to-keyboard thing first. And not just that, I want to make an active effort in setting myself reminders that no matter how deep and lost I am in my own overthinking patterns, I can always put a stop to it and just spew it out onto virtual paper. To get it out of my system, manifest it into something more physical, read through it, recognize what’s lacking and what I need to change and lastly, editing it into something that makes more sense to me and also others. 

In summary, this is kind of just me making my own “How To Talk About Emotions – For Dummies” guide. I expect no one to read all of what me and my sore yet hyperactive mind come up with, but I still gladly invite you to, should you care to see what that looks like. I apologize in advance though, I do tend to over-dramatize and under-estimate the way and amount I write about most things, including my own feelings. 

But hey, maybe by writing this blog somewhat close to regularly, I’ll also figure out a way to talk about my emotions in a way that isn’t filled with unnecessarily smart-assy Big Dictionary Words and pop culture references barely anyone understands. Let’s hope for the best.

After it now took me exactly 1.291 words to explain what could have been explained in about two sentences, I’m finally gonna shut up. “Thank the Lord”, I hear you say. Or ... maybe that’s just my overthinker voice and fear of vulnerability that heard you say that? Kerstin would probably smile and nod proudly now. Gold star for me, yay. Just kidding, I never get any cool stickers for my achievements. Honestly, that whole therapy thing is way less fun than I thought it would be, I just want a stamp that says “Great job!” or “Super cool!” every now and then. Is that too much to ask? Okay, I think I see now what she meant when she said that I seem to secretly rely on the approval of others for personal successes so I can compensate the fact that I never give myself any credit for them.

Phew, that whole writing things down idea seems to already pay off. But okay, enough self-revelations for today. I have no idea how often I will actually write on here and even less of an idea what the topics will be. However, I will always include tags and trigger warnings, so that if there actually is someone who reads through it, they can know what each post is about.

So, yeah. That’s it for now. Brain-to-keyboard to you soon. (Get it, that’s my way of saying talk to you soon, because– okay, yeah, you got it. Right.)

P.S.: Yes, the name of the blog is a pun, let me live a little.

#about #introduction

[amygreene]

Normal

I would love to be normal right now. Normal people are like, “Yeah, I’m moving to another city. Look at me, making all these changes and making all these plans I will be fully able to follow through with once it begins to happen. Such is life. Won’t miss a beat upstairs.”

And then there’s me. And I’m completely unraveling for the whole journey of this whole process. I don’t know what new internal malfunction will surface as this change is excavating my soul to plant a new landscape within my world. 

My head is like, “Hey, here are all these terrible thoughts that make you sick to your stomach. Can you hear them? What? Too loud? Okay, here’s 20 more decibels. While we’re at it, do you remember all these awful memories and old worries that haven’t surfaced in years, or ever at all, for your automatic overly-analytic mind to rifle through like a pig devouring everything it comes across? It’s time to explore them and find new, destructive hypotheses and sub-concepts that will physically feel like your heart being ripped down through the heels of your boots. Let me wash that down for you by deserting the broken CD player that skips and skips and skips. Because what would you ever do if you were not worrying and enacting a torture chamber for your skull? You’d be so bored. You’re welcome!

“You see this sunshine and these positive, healthy, just down right good vibes? I’m farming them from you now. You cultivate them on your land and I’m going to steal them away from you. Are you comfortable with this cactus scarf I’m tying around your neck? What’s that? You want a whole jacket made out of it, too? And you want it to constrict your every move? You got it. Tight enough yet? Yeah? Okay, one more nudge for good measure.”

And everybody who is well-versed in crazy is like, “Yeah. You’re fucked. Oh, you feel fucked? Funny story, now that you mention it, because yeah, you’re totally fucked. Let me find a way to explain your level of fuckatude as a metaphor: As you embark on this move into a new house 45 minutes away from all you know and love to a city where you have nothing and a house that doesn’t technically belong to you, you are relocating your psyche into what I like to call a “transformation townhouse”. Your psyche will live there until the effects of this enormous life change on your broken skull decide they’ve grown bored of fucking with you. You know, everybody moves into a transformation townhouse whenever a complete upheaval of their existence occurs. And everybody else’s transformation townhouses are brand new, state-of-the-art fully furnished, safe, happy, storefront-window homes. Yours is different. You get trapped in an abandoned shack in the worst part of town. The windows are boarded up to protect you from things like the wonderful, healing benefits of the sun. And your faucets spew sewage, so don’t think about trying to wash all your sick feelings off of you. Your walls are lined with insects that seep through the moldy, paper-thin broken barriers between your dark, damp rooms. You have to stay in it. It is harming you irrevocably, but you are prone to being unwell, so you are cursed with a more “interesting” model.

“Now that you’re completely disrupted, let me add potions to your terrified and mortally wounded mind to try to help offset the uncontrollable demolition that your assigned townhouse causes you with possibly even greater damage, lack of adequate protection for promises of ‘maybes’. ‘Maybe this concoction will even affect you.’ ‘Maybe this cocktail won’t make it unbearably worse for you.’ ‘Maybe this collection of chemicals is the one out of 87,000 million combinations with the sole, exact amount of the sole, exact ingredients to achieve the sole, exact alleviation of the sole, exact symptom you are crushed with in your sole, exact brain.’”

And then there’s me. I’m hiding under the bed. Because I know what’s “normal”. Because I know “normal” isn’t me. Because my heads reads aloud to me its dysfunction, and I listen. Because I have studied what those experts have and also have 16 years of boots-on-the-ground experience of feeling in my soul what the words they read from their books can only describe to their eyes. And I’m in my hiding place. I’m squishing my eyes closed. I’m plugging my ears. I’m trying to get tired enough to escape these woes, these aches, these sharp slices of pain of consciousness by falling asleep, my deepest prayers to stay asleep for as long as the nightmare of my daytime will reluctantly allot me. But my transformation townhouse in the worst part of town rumbles with earthquakes, screeches with car alarms, as monsoon rains leak from the roof onto my face as I try to sleep in my bed. So I never escape it for long anymore. And it is never for long enough. 

I face this sentence in my transformation shack for an unscheduled amount of seconds, minutes, hours, days, months, in the worst cases maybe a year goes by, in dire cases, maybe more. I will never know for sure. I’m trapped there as hostage until my Skull Monster’s temper tantrum has ceased. Then I get to drive myself into the sunset and soak in happy freedom. I try to forget the impermanence of being free. Because even though my full life story may not be allowed a happy ending, this one I’m creating right now does.