#Even tho i still am suicidal... She saved my life multiple times and i will be forever grateful for that!

[lady-lycany]

The list with my most important and noticable identities that I've mentioned yesterday. I knew it would become more text so feel free to read only what interests you the most :}

Let's start with the Werewolf which is the most common here. There was a time in life, where I heavily tried to deny it but never really succeeded. But in that time, it was more the desire to howl and to be on all fours. To be free. But I dealt less with phantom limbs like ears and tail (which are now again almost always there. Especially the ears) I count my multiple fantasy worlds into this one section cuz, yea it's all wolf. Doesn't matter if it's Wolf's Rain, Wolfblood, Teenwolf or the story with Mark, that I've going on for about half a year now lol. As I got older, I noticed, that not only I definitely don't want to be in the alpha role, but also, that I was wrong with only wanting to be a wolf. That's the problem of being a werewolf. When you're too long in the role of a human, you'll eventually need a break, but so the same with only being a wolf. You'll always need both in your life, but at the same time you'll never really belong somewhere.

InuYashas Wife. Yea, it's stupid to be in love with someone fictional, I'm aware, but even tho, I still can develop crushes on other guys, my heart still somehow belongs to him. He saved my life and spent so many ears on my side, that when we went different paths, it felt like a part of my soul left me. It got so quiet in my mind (so quiet, and lonely, that I became depressed again). I still miss him and wish I wouldn't have fcked it up (which was more the fault of my ex bestie, but I realized that a bit too late). Two years ago, I fought my blockage and spoke to him for the first time again, because he came up to me with the information, that he has a daughter now. I instantly developed mother feelings for her. I still hope, that we'll get closer together in the future again, but right now it's probably for the best if we stay apart. It hurts, but I pretty much got used to it. I still can't really rewatch the anime or amv's. It's not as bad as it was a few years ago but yea. The feelings are still there and there's still a part of my soul missing that he took with him.

Then we have Invisible Vectoria (short VEC). Some people might heard of her before. She's my OC kin and a mix between Laughing-Jack and a Diclonious. Just as I miss to run on all fours and have a tail and ears, I miss my vectors pretty badly. She was the part of me, that pushed my werewolf-self aside and made me deny it. She was the one, who was my salvation and my curse at the same time. Because she was there, I could let out all the madness in my mind without actually living it out (Even tho, she wanted to do it so badly). She was the main character of my stories that I wrote, where she could do everything she wanted. Now I'm in a state, where I try to deny her again, but it's just not so simple. Violence still kinda turns me on. I don't want to feel like that but yea... Just as I never really got rid of being a werewolf in the times where I tried to, I can't get rid of her.

Then there's the Shinigami (Kuroshitsuji) part of me. The only dream job I felt like was made for me, was being a shinigami. If I had the validation that, just as in the anime, suicide would turn you into a shinigami, I wouldn't have hesitated at all. In that time I met Eric and Alan, which are still the most important beings in my life. It already hurt when Inu left me. But if these two would leave me, I wouldn't know how to stay alive. ((Grell was my best friend back then until my exbestie forced me into a relationship with him. So he was the reason, why I felt like I cheated on Inu. Stupid huh? I know. But that's how loyal I am.)) I spend many years in the Shinigami role, and I truly miss it. I'm thinking about rewatching the anime, but I know what will happen- I will have shifts of that personality for a looong while again and many many bittersweet memories will flood my mind. I can bet on that lol. Oh yea, also, for the first time, I was glad, that I had glasses myself. The werewolf side always hated them and their unnatural feeling and so, when I was a kid, my mom had to train me, to keep em on. Every evening, when I kept my glasses on for a day, I got a little toy figure. Like a dog gets a treat when he did what he was supposed to lol. I still wish, that I wouldn't need them, but the shinigami part of me was proud and happy and I could accept them for the first time.

And also the dragon(rider) from httyd. I would say I'm more of a rider but I still wonder, where my phantom wings come from, that I have from time to time lol. I had already multiple dreams of riding on the back of a dragon and also own two Skrill dragons. Well, one is more like a good friend who visits me often but still lives free. And then there's my Skrill kiddo, that hatched from an egg in my presence. She's completely pink (the underside of the wings and her chest are light pink. I already posted a pic of her here) but her eyes are more blueish. I called her Nyssa (which translates to Fairy) and she's not the best when it comes to flying. She's still very clumsy, but I think she'll get better the older she gets. Me and Dagur were best friends and he also teached me how two write in ruins. I also miss this world a lot cuz I rarely spend time there.

And last but not least we have Spirit (stallion of the cimarron). To be honest, I still don't know if he's an actual kin of mine, but I still have a strong connection to him, the movie and the soundtracks. Every song fits perfectly to me or a situation I was in. His whole life story kinda happened in my life as well. Of course not in the literal way. More theoretically. The song "get off of my back" was translated into "bleib bloß von mir weg" which means "just stay tf away from me" in german and so all lyrics could also connect to my werwolf side.

There are also still some other things like the whole thing with the fallen angel, something zombie like and the phantom wings but I still can't seem to figure them out.

All these things are still a big part of who I am, but in the last years, I always put my werewolf-self in the front and put anything else back. And I'm not able to connect them all. I mean how would I? But it annoys me, that if someone would ask me "hey I can send you into a reality that you want the most" I couldn't respond and wouldn't know which one to pic. I want the body of a werewolf, but so I want vectors. I couldn't live without Eric and Alan but also would forever miss and hate myself for not picking Inu. And watching my little dragon grow up and live a life so free on the back of a dragon, who would want to miss that? I really couldn't decide.

#otherkin #fictionkin #ockin #otherkin community

[vtforpedro]

LONG POST, medical update. ptsd, suicide TW: I’m really tired. I feel like I’ve been saying that for a year but I am exhausted. mind, body and soul exhausted my head got better after I lost the water weight my chemo pill was packing on (I was 15lbs lighter than the three weeks previously. so it was pretty bad lol) but now it’s getting bad again. it never gets to the point of relief, but it gets manageable and now it’s becoming unmanageable again. it’s not water weight but it might be cause I’ve put on a couple pounds over the holidays (just barely a couple pounds, I’m eating much lighter in general) anyway I don’t see the point of being scared to name what it is my neurosurgeon and I believe this is anymore. my psychiatrist thinks it makes sense, my pcp, even the ER doctor I saw on dec. 2nd lol but I am 99.9% sure this is what I have and it does makes sense but every fucking time I think about it for a while it makes me so angry. so so so angry y’all. I wish I could sit every single medical professional I interacted with over the last year or so who didn’t believe me and tell them it’s all been real, they failed me to such a degree I have ptsd and anger problems that I’m going to need therapy for, and tell them to learn how to be better providers. blegh so I saw my neurosurgeon (one of the best in the country) for the first time in april. his thoughts? anxiety with muscle tension in my back and neck that led to tension in my head. as in the muscles around my bones, not inside of my skull. didn’t listen to me or believe me, thought all my crazy symptoms were just anxiety and possibly the chiari malformation but there’s no treatment for that beyond surgery and mine is so mild no one wants to go that route (me most of all lmao) I put off seeing him again because I saw different neurologists and my PCP over the months who basically all said the same thing. like my PCP believed me and gave me referrals to the neuros, but one told me to ‘stop worrying about this and just enjoy life’ and the other sat with me for an hour, the first half of which she was all on board the ‘anxiety is fucking with you, none of this is real’ train until I had to tell her to LISTEN TO MY SYMPTOMS firmly enough that she did. she went the opposite way then and said yeah ok something ‘mechanical’ is happening, you need to go back to a neurosurgeon. turned out she loves the neurosurgeon I saw in april (worship the ground he walks on, were her words) but told me maybe I still needed a second opinion. she did also mention that I’ve been living with this for so long that I’m ‘married to it now’ which still implies I’m making it worse than it actually is but :) whatever, she couldn’t think of what it could be decided to just go back to that neurosurgeon and tell him the physical therapy he prescribed in april I had to stop because it made things worse. his PA tried to prescribe me more PT on the phone before I firmly told her I needed to SPEAK with him face to face because my quality of life is gone, because I get close to killing myself weekly because of how bad this is and nothing has improved since april. only gotten worse. so I had my appt with him in late October I think? I explained all of my symptoms (again) and told him how nothing has changed, things have gotten worse, when I do x y z I have an episode, etc etc. he said he still doesn’t think it’s the chiari but he said it *might* be IIH idiopathic intracranial hypertension first time I’ve ever heard of it and even though it was over 11 months into this, it might just save my life now that I have idiopathic = we don’t fucking know why this happens, intracranial = HAPPENING IN MY SKULL AND BRAIN, hypertension = technically high blood pressure, but for here just high pressure cause my BP is good it is rare, it is unknown why people get it and why others don’t, it is most common in women of child bearing age who are obese. the thought is that the weight on the body causes the brain to very slightly inflate, decreasing spinal fluid flow and increasing pressure in the brain, sometimes CAUSING a chiari malformation to appear, which can cause other symptoms on top of IIH it used to be called pseudotumor cerebri because IIH makes the brain behave like it has a tumor while no tumor is actually present (which means normal MRI/CT scans and the main reason everyone told me I was faking it) I gained 80lbs in less than two years due to severe depression and ptsd. I’ve been at the same weight for almost two years now and was at that weight in Feb 2019 before things started happening in Dec 2019. sometimes it does just come on one day. it can be chronic, it can randomly go into remission and come back, and they have no idea why it even happens. it’s rare enough that no neurologist I saw could even think of it. rare enough that one of the best neurosurgeons in the country didn’t think of it until he decided he believed me lol he leans even more heavily into this because I gained weight so quickly (one of the hallmarks of getting IIH) and I had not a single symptom like it before the weight gain I don’t trust anything or anyone right now and I am extremely pessimistic and have no hope. but the one thing that’s given me a little hope, that’s made me believe this is what I have, is the fucking wikipedia page on IIH. it lists one specific symptom that I’ve seen nowhere else (and is EXTREMELY specific lmao) that I have and that everyone thought I was crazy explaining. beyond destroying your quality of life, the one thing IIH can do is cause permanent blindness. I’ve had a fuck ton of problems with my vision since this all started happening. one of the worst is that if I’m in the middle of an episode and I look up or to the left, it makes it h u r t and makes the episode worse. which is on the wikipedia page! which explains why I couldn’t fucking do EMDR therapy which involves rapid eye movement from side to side :) :) :) even my therapist was thinking this was all in my head and I was just letting my anxiety tell me EMDR would send my head into an episode instead of it actually happening lmaaaao god I am so angry y’all my mom and my uncle The Doctor wanted to commit me in March/April. I had an entire ER nurses station mock me for ten minutes for coming in repeatedly and having bizarre symptoms that, because they were unexplained, they thought I was faking. they belittled me when talking to me. one put the tv remote (no tv in the room) instead of the call button in my hand when I was too out of it to notice. the ER doctor that day told me I was making up a story, none of this was real, and to continue seeing my psychiatrist. I went home that day, told my mom I was fine for her to go back to work (she was angry with me and wanted me to go to a psychiatric hospital), took a shower and planned on swallowing a bottle of pills. I was in agony, utter agony, every single day multiple times a day I thought I was going to die, and it was being made clear to me that no one, not even my mom, believed me. I told my best friend and she talked me out of it, but I came very close and I will forever be heartbroken and angry beyond belief about this (my mom came around not long after this after seeing that this wasn’t going away and has thoroughly apologized for wanting to commit me. she has been helping me every single day since this started even tho she thought it was anxiety. I’m angry but I don’t hold it against her, not after the incredible sacrifices she’s made for me for a year) so yeah. every bizarre symptom, every agonizing thing I go through, the weird discomfort, pain and burning, vision problems, etc etc, all explained by IIH. the very specific ‘looking in a certain direction makes it worse’ has been there since day one. it’s because pressure has increased on the nerve behind my eyes so looking in a certain way aggravates the affected nerve further gaining all that water weight and having my head get so so so severe, enough to send me to the ER again, made me also think this was a real possibility and the ER doc agreed that the fluid retention was making pressure in my brain even more severe and it did ease quite a lot once that was all gone, another reason I believe this is IIH if you read up on IIH or read stories by people with it, it is life altering, debilitating, and agonizing to live with. most people will also have the same story of doctors not believing them and saying it was anxiety before getting this diagnosis the good thing? there’s a cure and while some people may need additional help later on, it works for most people. and it is, very simply, losing weight. 10-20% of body weight (some places say relief can start at just 3%) seems to completely cure it for most people because the brain is no longer inflated and because of that, any chiari malformation (cerebral tonsils sitting in the spinal cord opening) will actually go away, because it makes room in the skull for the tonsils to go back to their normal place I have some trouble knowing that I am partially at fault for gaining weight like I did, but my mom keeps telling me it’s so rare and how could I have possibly known and it was after severe trauma so. trying to deal with that too lol but yeah! weight loss journey. my chemo pill, if you read my last update, completely fucked me up for a while (including the fuckin weight gain despite a low calorie, low fat diet since like nov 1st) so it’s made it hard to lose weight. but now that I’m off of that pill, I’m down 7lbs and I will continue to lose. I have never been more motivated in my life to lose weight lmao and I’ve successfully done it before! I can’t exercise but my neurosurgeon said as the weight comes off and my symptoms start getting better, I will probably be able to incorporate more movement in my life. I can’t even walk around my apt for too long right now cause it builds pressure in my brain. it fucking sucks because this is something they don’t understand, it’s really only diagnosed if everything else has been ruled out (and with a lumbar puncture, but I am too fucking traumatized to have that done. but if I showed high pressure with no reason for it, it would be an ‘official’ IIH diagnosis). but I’m choosing not to do the LP because if I start to have my symptoms relieved as I lose weight, it’s pretty obvious that’s what this has been from the start my brain thinks it has a brain tumor and is going absolutely batshit insane and no matter how much I tried to get people to believe me, it took 11 months to get there. I will carry this with me for the rest of my life and once covid eases, I’m finding a good trauma therapist and working through this if my symptoms DON’T ease, we’ll talk brain surgery. but I think this is what I have and I think I’ll be okay when I lose enough weight (and I’ll feel better all around lol) anyway I’ve had an extremely bad couple of months and I wanted to get this off my chest, sorry it’s so long. if you can please, please, please cross your fingers for me and wish me luck that this is what it is and that over the next handful of months I lose the weight and get my life back, I will appreciate it more than I can say I’m going to thank all of you ahead of time because I lack spoons to reply right now and I also want to thank you all for your support over this last year and never doubting me. for always offering me words of encouragement and for being angry on my behalf. thank you thank you thank you I love you all <3

#personal #medical #health update #tw suicide #long post

[everyothermouse]

Made some designs for my old superhero au for funsies, enjoy

I am going to take this as an excuse to talk abt this au, some backstories and design details under the cut :)

Tw: suicide attempt (peters backstory) and abuse (hash’s backstory)

Also, i gotta warn you that the backstory descriptions get longer as we go on, as the longer i write for, the worse i get at being concise. My apologies!

Peter

Power(s): control over the shadow realm

Power triggers: fear, depression, sadness, anger, focus

Relationships: hash (daughter/apprentice), genny (ally), ms. Garner (friend/ex nemesis), gabby (ally), prince (assistant/nemesis) princess (nemesis?)

Backstory: Tried to die in a vat of Poisonous Liquidtm but due to the nature of the experiments Done by damian at Unnamed Lab Owned By Damiantm, instead of dying his misery manifested through shadow powers. He was a shadow for a bit before he was able to start being a person again, and he was so upset about being alive that he decided he needed to consume the entire city in shadow so everyone else would have to be miserable like he was. He would be repeatedly thwarted by a superhero in the city named flower girl, who would eventually (over the course of like 3 years) forcibly found family him. He now has a job and uses his powers for good, and has recently taken up a superhero apprentice :)

Design notes: the heart clasps on peters cape and arms were originally by Ms. Garner before she retired as a superhero. They are tools used to help focus magic, making it easier to stay centered and to direct magical forces. The heart in the middle changes color based on the magic surrounding it/running through it, for peter it is black, but for Ms. Garner it was red/pink. Peters crown is made of the same material, but is not quite as strong. Peter mainly focuses his magic outwards using his palms and the soles of his feet, thus why they are uncovered. Villain peter looks a lot less alive than current peter partially because of being magically exhausted, but mostly just because he is in very bad physical health, having dipped himself in a vat of poison and proceeding to get 0 medical help, and then also not eating or bathing and living on shadow magic and depression. The boots previously used for villain-ing are now his work boots :)

Genny

Power(s): super strength

Power triggers: N/A

Relationships: nut (son), mellisa (friend), gabby (ally), Ms. Garner (friend?), hash (ally), peter (ally), damian (enemy)

Backstory: genny was a single mother and teacher living a normal life when she was caught in a catastrophic event as the city’s super villain the week was wreaking havoc in the middle of town. When a car came flying at her child, she had no choice but to rush forward and try to get him out of the way. Usually this would have ended in disaster, but thanks to a mix mothers hysterical strength and the strong magic energy radiating out of one of the destroyed buildings (it was U.L.O.B.D., because its always fucking damian isnt it) she was suddenly imbued with the strength to block the car and escape. Soon she would realize that this effect wouldn’t go away, and thus she decided to try and use this ability to help protect the city from all the dangers which threaten its safety.

Design notes: the knife on her leg is attached with a very strong magnet, it is difficult for others to remove but easy for her to thanks to her strength. Her body armor is all much stronger than the other three’s, as having armour that is lightweight isn’t a priority for her in the same way it is for the others, due to her strength. Genny doesnt actually have that much more muscle mass than a normal reasonably fit person, as her super strength is not connected to this. She wears contact lenses in her daily life, but after the event in which she got her super powers her eyes are entirely white (nut’s eyes are also lightened, but not to the same extent as genny’s, you can actually see them from more than 2 inches away.)

Hash

Power(s): control over earth/rocks

Power triggers: fear, excitement, focus

Relationships: Peter (parent/mentor), genny (ally), gabby (friend), prince (annoyance),

Backstory: Hash has had the ability to move the earth since she was born, but her parents always shunned her for it, saying it was destructive and evil, and so was she. She was forced to repress her powers and was often neglected (and occasionally hurt) by her parents, as well as frequently being forced to socially isolate herself from peers and teachers due to her being “too dangerous.” She tried to run away from home, feeling as though she was a danger to her parents, but when she was caught she freaked and accidentally used her powers towards her parents out of fear. Her parents called the police, making her more afraid and causing her to become more destructive. After a couple days of chaos and no one being able to defeat her, she would eventually be talked down by [whatever tf peters superhero name is], a superhero in the city who had previously been a villain but was changed through kindness and love and what not. It took a while after that to convince her that she wasn’t some horrible monster, and to get her a way from her previous household for good, but now shes a lot happier and has moved in with peter. She’s also started practicing using her powers, although its pretty hard for her given she spent all the time that her powers were developing not using them, and thus doesn’t know how to control them at their new level. She likes to tag along and try to help out on superhero missions, but honestly her main focus right now is trying to make friends and become accustomed to normal daily living, which is difficult when you’re constantly afraid of everything and have no idea how to talk to people.

Design notes: her small cape/cloak is an old one of peter’s. She hand painted on the rock pattern and the green inside, and its not perfect but she likes it. Just like normal hash, she cut the sleeves off of all her shirts, even the ones that weren’t damaged, back when she was at her old household. After moving in with peter though, shes started wearing more long sleeved shirts :) . Hash may lift rocks from the ground and stick them to her body as impromptu armour when shes distressed, although she usually doesn’t purposefully do this as its not actually very good armour, its just annoying.

Gabby

Power(s): fire manipulation, lizard stuff

Power triggers: lizard: N/A Fire: focus, anger

Relationships: peter (ally), hash (friend/ex-rival), Dario (nemesis/enemy/rival), Akira (friend/ex-rival), genny (ally), Ms. Garner (mom/mentor), Mrs. Harvey (ally/girlscout troup leader), the other Mrs. Harvey (Girl Scout troup leader/ally)

Backstory: ever since she could walk gabby was convinced she had the ability to control fire, But none of the other kids at her orphanage ever believed her, and neither did anyone at her school. One day though these powers were put to the test, when the orphanage took fire and she rushed in to help the local super hero evacuate the other kids while the fire fighters were still on their way. It was at that moment she decided that she could be a superhero too, and that the poor superhero present at the time, flower girl, would be her mentor. She followed her everywhere being the annoying curious child she was, but all flower girl wanted was her to stay out of danger and go home to her parents (which she would eventually realize gabby didn’t have.) But when gabby proved her worth and saved flower girls life, flower girl finally caved and decided to start training her, as long as she promised to try to be more cautious, and to stop skipping school to follow on dangerous missions. From then on they were an amazing super duo! Together they fought villains and used the power of kindness and pretty flowers to brighten peoples day :) and after a while ms. Garner would even end up adopting gabby, yay!

Eventually gabby’s lizard features started growing in, which was pretty scary. But her mom showed her that they weren’t all that bad, and gabby realized she could use them to help out on super hero missions! Peter, who was flower girls nemesis, would move in with her and her momma temporarily while he was getting better, as he was very sick while he was a super villain. She decided to adopt him as her new second parent, which he never agreed to, but I mean hes never denied it so its basically true. Several villains and other hero’s have also been added (and removed) from gabby’s growing list of parents. After her mom got hurt really badly in the hash incident, she decided to retire from being a superhero, deciding that she needed to put more focus on her safety so she could take care of gabby. Gabby has continued fighting crime, now taking up a more independent role as a superhero because she’s a preteen and thinks shes mature, but she usually works alongside other superhero’s in teams or as partners, as her mom requires she have adequate supervision (bcus shes LAME.) She still gets somewhat serious treatment from other superhero’s given that she technically does have more years of experience in the field than like half the cities heroes and she has had a major role in taking down multiple big villains, but she’s still a child and is generally not to be trusted on her own, as she is minority stupid and majorly reckless.

I’m sorry that was so long,,,,,, it could’ve easily been 1 paragraph but i have failed 😔

Design notes: gabby isnt wearing shoes under the legwarmers in hercivilian design, she likes the good grip her feet give her. Sidekick gabby’s stick can make fire just like her current one can, but it does not have the other functionalities. Her stick is not just for magic stuff, she also wacks people with it, and knocks them off their feet and stuff, its quite sturdy. The thick line on her face is just face paint for funsies and to make her a little bit less recognizable (only barely tho.)

#artinevee #oc #digital art #hunters bullshit #Monsters superhero au #digital Doodles #This one was one of the first au’s i know because i made it when i actually thought about labs #labs peaked week 3 of the monsters universe #it is now bullying labs hours #sorry the read more stopped working! idk when that happened but i removed it and readded it so i think it should be back now ^-^

[swiss-cheeze]

Hallelujah || Spencer Reid

I am, so terrified to post this simply because it’s ‘new’ and stuff idk.

Disclaimer: IM ONLY UP TO SEASON 2 OF CRIMINAL MINDS, I do know what happens later on revolving around Reid and IT DOES GET MENTIONED (drugs, the jail) however no detail gets put in due to me not actually knowing about it a lot.

Another disclaimer: the characters in this are Reid, you, Hotch, Gideon, Garcia, J.J., Morgan and Emily. Stuff from Reid’s ‘future’ gets told in this even tho there are different people on the team at that time but because I don’t know them I didn’t put them in there.

I hope that makes sense.

Requested: YES/NO Gender: none, they/them Warnings: talk of suicide/jumping off a building along with depression, loneliness. Description: Spencer is a little scared to show his partner of 3 and a half years to his work mates, that is, until his partner wows the team with their singing skills.

“Guys i just, i dunno…” Spencer sighed softly and stopped walking for what felt like the tenth time that night, the group sighed as they stopped with Spencer as he started pacing on the spot and ran his hands through his hair.

“Wonder Boy it's going to be okay, there's nothing to be afraid of” Garcia reassured Spencer for what would have to be the third time since they left the office.

“I-I know that but statistically speaking-” Spencer began, the team all seemed to give each other a look that told them the same thing.

“Nuh uh Pretty Boy!” Morgan interjected, the muscled man grabbed Spencer by his shoulders and started walking in the direction of the bar, “you have been on and off about this person for a month now, not telling us a single thing and then maybe a phrase or something and quite frankly i'm fed up with it” as Morgan opened the doors to the bar the group walked in with Spencer still standing out the front nervously chewing his nails and sent a frightened look to Morgan. Hotch sighed before turning to Morgan.

“I got this one, you head inside” the chief of the BAU spoke, he allowed Morgan to go inside before stepping out with Spencer, “what's gotten you so tight?” the man asked Spencer, “friend to friend, this isn't work.” the man concluded as he saw Spencer's mind racing.

“I’m scared, Hotch, and I'm not normally scared or-or fearful, yeah I've been to prison and gotten addicted to drugs and shot-shot multiple times but this…” Spencer sighed as he ran his hands through his hair again and paced back and forth, “but this is different, they really mean alot to me and have been with me through almost everything since i was in prison and they’ve been there for every and all breakdowns and moments,” Spencer took this moment to look at Hotch with reddened eyes, “i really love them you know? They,” Spencer sniffled as he smiled brightly, “they give me such a high that the drugs could never give me, they give me such a lightened feeling, such happiness that when i go home after a case i almost forget about the horrors i've witnessed that day and they remind me of the true happiness and love this world can give to certain people,” he took a breath as Hotch interjected.

“So why are you so scared?” Hotch asked as his hands rested on his hips, it was a simple question, and even with the ramble Spencer just spoke it took him a moment to come up with an answer.

“Because i just want you guys to love him as much as i do,” Spencer said with a soft smile as memories flooded his mind of the past 3 and a half years with you, “obviously not in the romantic way but-”

“Reid,” Hotch paused Spencer, the boy looked to his elder in a way a boy would look to his father after being told off, “this person, they make you happy, yes?” Hotch asked, Spencer nodded vigorously, “then you have not a thing to worry about” the man said with a faint smile, “as long as you’re happy, you aren't in prison and are off the drugs than thats all that matters to us, and the fact you have a partner just makes it better because then you can share that happiness with that person just like you said before, they make you feel something the drugs never could,” Hotch stepped forward and held Spencer on his biceps with a firm grip to keep the boy grounded, “so let's go in there and meet this person” Hotch finalised, Spencer nodded affirmatively and the pair walked into the bar one after the other.

“Finally!” Emily called as the team sat around a table with two empty seats, “so?” the girl asked as her and the rest of the team looked just as curious, “where are they?” she asked, Spencer breathed in and smiled as he checked the time.

“Two minutes more and they’ll be here,” Spencer said as he checked his watch.

“Oh so you made us get here early just so you could get pissed?” Morgan said jokingly as their drinks got to their table.

“Leave him alone Morgan it's his first time,” Gideon said with a chuckle as he took a swig of his beer.

“First time? What's that-” Spencer started to talk but got cut off when someone tapped the microphone. Everyone turned their heads to look to the stage, a man holding a folder was standing in front of the microphone.

“Hello! I would like to invite our next singer slash band up on stage; (Y/n) (L/n) and Micheal Herance!” the man smiled brightly as he clapped and you walked on stage with Micheal in tow behind you.

“You didn't tell us they were in a band!” Garcia exclaimed.

“I hope its not country,” Morgan deadpanned softly which made Garcia kick him under the table, when Morgan looked to Garcia with confusion she nudged her head over to Spencer who seemed to be glazed over, his eyes full of love and adoration as you and the other person tried to get ready quickly.

“They’re only small and do mostly covers but they’re really good” Spencer said with a smile as he grabbed his drink and took a sip. Micheal took his seat on the wooden stool with an electric guitar as you grabbed the microphone and cleared your throat.

“Hi,” you said softly, even if you’ve been doing stage shows for a little over a year, seeing all those eyes on you and your band still made you feel anxious, “we are two fourths of The Charmed Crosses,” you said with a chuckle, “this is a song i would like to dedicate to a special someone whom i hope has made i tonight,” Spencer wanted to jump up and down and scream to say he made it but he felt that would ruin the mood so he stayed put as he realised that the stage lights would be the things hindering your sight, “even if he isn't this is recorded so, Spencer Reid with three PhD’s, this one goes out to you my sweet.” The Team silently pat Spencer on the back as the boy blushed slightly with a smile.

“It's nothing, they do it all the time” Spencer said softly as he took a mouthful of his drink again and the opening notes to Hallelujah started playing from the guitar.

“Oh this is going to make me cry,” Garcia said softly as Emily and J.J. nodded in agreement, Gideon squeezed Garcia's hand, he didn't want to admit it but it was going to bring a tear to his eye too.

“Well I'd heard there was a secret chord, that David played and it pleased the Lord, but you don't really care for music, do you?” your voice drifted through the microphone as the Guitar chords struck itself within you and the crowd, “Well, it goes like this, the fourth, the fifth, the minor fall, the major lift, the baffled king! Composing Hallelujah. Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah” your voice drifted like soft wood and carried emotions that nobody else could try and carry, “Well, your faith was strong but you needed proof, you saw her bathing on the roof, her beauty and the moonlight overthrew ya” you took a breath as the guitar carried for a few notes, “She tied you to the kitchen chair, she broke your throne and she cut your hair! And from your lips, she drew the Hallelujah. Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah” the emotion in your words where one that couldn't be described as the team looked between you and the lovestruck Spencer, no way had this guy picked you, of all people, though it was possible it was slim. But it happened, “But baby, I've been here before, I've seen this room and I've walked this floor. You know, I used to live alone before I knew ya” these lyrics seemed to go out to Spencer in a way that wasn't one the team, your coworkers or the world would ever know, it was a thing for you two and you two only, “And I've seen your flag on the marble arch, and love is not a victory march!” this almost seemed to be a direct hit to Spencer, of his past dwellings, “It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah. Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah” the song spread a shiver up Morgans spine that even he wouldn't be able to explain as he took a moment to look to Ried, his love struck baby brother had finally grown into a man, your voice was soft in the places it needed to be and became hard in others in a way one couldn't describe. Your voice drifted with the guitar and carried out the rest of the song, the emotion brought out made everyone in the room believe you wanted the whole world to hear you, but only one person could understand. See, this song was the song that had saved your life, as cliche as it was things had gotten too rough for you to handle a few years ago, the stress of a daily job and bills and rent was getting too much for you, and one night you decided to go to the roof of your apartment with the radio and you played it for a little bit, letting the songs go one by one. When you decided you had stalled enough you stood on the edge of the building and looked down before looking back up to the sky, “give me one good reason, give me a sign, give me anything” you had spoken, and that's when you really did feel something. A wind gushed around you and ruffled your clothes as it made your radio fall onto its back, you sighed softly as you went to pick it up, and as you did the song changed to Hallelujah, of course you had heard it before but this time it felt like someone was really listening. In that moment you had sat in front of the radio and listened to the whole song right through to the end, that's also how Spencer found you on that roof.

---

“You don't have to know you,” Spencer's voice called out from the stairwell as he leaned against the doorframe. You gasped softly as you tried to dry your eyes before the mystery man could see you.

“Don’t have to do what?” you asked the man as the sound of his footsteps came closer to you and soon sat on the edge of the building, his hands where in his pocket as his tie blew in the wind along with his hair.

“I saw you standing on the edge, and i heard you ask for a reason, a sign,” Spencer shrugged softly, “you seemed to have gotten it though” the man said with a small smile as he looked to the radio, you smiled softly as you looked to the radio in your hands and smiled.

“Yeah i guess so,” you let the radio play the next song as you sat next to Spencer, “so what’re you doing out here then? Thought the same thing?” you asked as Spencer scoffed and shook his head No.

“No, no I'm here because I like to look at the stars when I feel alone,” Spencer said as he looked to the sky. You did too, “whenever I feel sad, alone, depressed, or even suicidal. I come up here for refuge, I look up at the stars and I think to myself, ‘if they’re up there, then they must have sacrificed a lot to be there, burning, forever'” Spencer talked with honey in his voice and admiration. You looked at the mystery man with a small smile, “but by all means if that wasn't a sign enough and neither was I then go ahead” Spencer said with a smile.

“Yeah? And why shouldn't i?” you asked as you stood up on the roof and started swinging your arms, “besides the song, and you” you stated.

“Because that is a lot of paperwork for a department to file for one person” Spencer said as he too stood up and walked towards you. You nodded.

“Well, consider my suicidal thoughts diminished,” you said with a small smile.

“Good” Spencer said as he walked to the staircase again, you turned and was disappointed to see him leaving so soon.

“What's your name? I don't believe i’ve seen you in the apartment block before,” you asked, it was a kind enough question, a name.

“I just moved in,” Spencer said as he stopped at the staircase, “my name is Spencer Ried, i have three Phd’s, if you ever need me im only ever two doors down from yours, number 15, either that or down at the BAU”

“You’re a profiler” you stated.

“Correct,” Spencer answered though he didn't move.

“So what’d you get from me?” you asked with crossed arms.

“You’re suicidal?” Spencer questioned playfully.

“You know what i mean,” you said with a sigh.

“Life is a hell of a thing to happen to someone” Spencer said with a smile, “a good friend of mine said that, he's a writer,” Spencer said with his hands still resting in his pockets.

“Brilliant” you said, it was half sarcastic and half...human.

“Goodnight…” Spencer trailed off as he didn't know your name.

“(Y/n). (Y/n) (L/n)” you said with a smile.

“Goodnight (Y/n) (L/n)” Spencer said.

“Goodnight Spencer Ried with three PhDs” you said with a smile as Spencer walked down the stairs.

---

After your first introduction to each other on that roof, you and Spencer started to become friends, then good friends, and then he asked you out on a date and now, 3 and a half years later. You couldn't be more happy to be alive than now. Time seemed to stand still as the last note from the guitar rang around the bar and everyone clapped, a few standing and another few wiping their tears away from the corners of their eyes. You smiled as you and Micheal bowed on the stage before walking off, Spencer nudged his team as he stood up.

“Come on, we’ll get a booth so it's easier” the profiler said as another band came onto the stage and started their song. The FBI agents all stood and followed Spencer to the bar where (Y/n) stood, looking around for their boyfriend and nervously sipping on whiskey, Spencer smirked as he turned to his friends with a look of excitement, “watch this” the Doctor said with a wiggle of his brows before walking over towards you. You bit your lip as you looked around nervously hoping Spencer had made it tonight, “a good looking person like you should bite their lip so much” a voice said behind you, you jumped from the suddenness of it before turning around and allowing a large smile to form over your lips before placing your drink on the bar and wrapping your arms around your tall boyfriends neck.

“Spence! You made it!” you said happily, though you had been together for over 3 years, Spencer Reid still seemed to give you the same butterflies like the first date you two ever had.

“Of course i made it Bug,” Spencer said, using his nickname for you, “wouldn't miss it even if i was dying” the agent said with a knowing smile as a scoff could be heard behind him causing Spencer and you to look at the intruder.

“He was almost dying when he was coming down the street,” a man said, he was black and tall and rather handsome, Spencer gave a shy smile as he walked over next to the man.

“These are my coworkers!” Spencer said a little nervously, you had a confused look on your face previously but now it was filled with excitement and elated happiness as you walked forward towards the group.

“So you guys are the people he keeps boasting on about!” you said happily as you stuck out your hand to the first man.

“Derek Morgan” the man said, you nodded as you shook his hand and a soft smile came over the man's face, this was Spencer's ‘big brother’ at the office. You moved to the next person.

“Emily Prentiss,” the girl said, she was sleek and had nice hair, you made a mental note to ask her about it later as you moved to the next person.

“Jason Gideon”, ah, so this was Spencer's mentor, you gave a knowing look at Gideons hands encapsulating yours in a warm and inviting way. Spencer looked at you greeting everyone with a profound happiness.

“Aaron Hotchner, but please just Hotch” the man said, you smiled.

“So youre the narcissist” you said with a wink as Hotch gave a small laugh as Spencer closed his eyes with a smile. You moved to the next person. She was rather round and had blonde hair and a brilliant red dress and blue cardigan on.

“Penelopie Garcia, i make sure your wonder boy over there makes it back alive to you” the girl said, you gave a laugh as did everyone else knowing it was a team effort but it was also a joke.

“Than i shall give all my thanks to you and bid everyone else, adew” you said with a tone of laughter, Garcia laughed with you as you moved to the final person, “you must be-”

“J.J., please” the girl said as she shook your hand for the final time, you nodded in respect, so this was the girl Reid fancied for like, an hour or something whenever it was he told you that point.

“Well, please let's get a booth and get to know each other!” you said with a smile as you grabbed your glass of liquor from the bar and walked to a previously reserved booth in the far corner of the bar.

“You shouldn't drink that drink you know,” Derek said from behind you, “you left it alone for two minutes, could be drugged” you smiled as yourself and the group piled into the booth.

“Then I am one hundred percent sure one of you would have told me” you said as you took a sip of your drink, Derek laughed as Garcia sat next to him and he wrapped an arm around her, you eyed them for a moment before letting it go. Spencer sat next to you as J.J. sat next to him, then the rest piled in.

“So (Y/n), tell us a little bit about yourself,” Hotch started as he took a sip of his beer, you cleared your throat as you looked to Spencer who nodded for confirmation.

“Well, um, I'm in a band,” you chuckled softly, “as you could see earlier I sing, we’ve made songs and practised them but we haven't been able to perfect them the way we want to start recording.” you took a moment, “um, i met Spencer a few years ago on our apartment roof-”

“EXCUSE ME,” Derek exclaimed with wide eyes, “you’re telling me pretty boy over here has had you as his little secret for a few YEARS?!”, Spencer chuckled.

“Three and almost a half to be exact Morgan” Spencer said with a shit-eating grin as he took a swig of your drink, you slapped him on the chest causing him to laugh.

“That’s my drink you prick!” you exclaimed with a smile, “anyway, um,” you shrugged with a laugh, “you guys are the ones who have profiling as a career you should be doing this to me not the other way around” you laughed as you looked to Gideon, the man smiled.

“You closed your eyes when you where up on stage,” Gideon started, “whatever you were singing meant alot for you to get so into it, you were looking around a lot when you where at the bar, you’re anxious”

“Of course i am, im meeting you guys for the first time,” you said with an awkward smile, okay, this was a little different than you expected.

“You also have been fiddling with a ring, signifying anxiety,” Hotch chimed in, “and biting your lip,” you pulled your lip from in between your teeth and looked at the table.

“Alright enough,” Spencer said a little harsher than he intended, “can we just, drop the profiler job for tonight and just be like normal friends?” he asked agitated, this sparked your eye and you gave Spencer a glance, he glanced back as reassurance.

“(Y/n), where do you work?” Garcia asked as a waitress brought her another drink with a little pink umbrella, you smiled as she broke the ice.

“Other than in a band I work in a vintage antique store, one of those really old ones?” you smiled, “i got Spencers first gift from that shop actually,” you smiled at the memory.

“Oh here we go,” Spencer said from beside you as he clasped his eyes shut and smiled.

“Please can i tell them!?” you exclaimed.

“Yeah go on,” Spencer said as he looked back to you and gave you a kiss on the lips.

“Woah I didn't know pretty boy ever kissed anyone, besides that one girl?” Derek said, he trailed off at the end forgetting the girl's name.

“Lila” J.J. said softly.

“Yeah Lila, the actress” Derek said.

“ANYWAY,” you exclaimed trying to get back onto the story, Derek smiled as an apology as you continued the story, “obviously Spencer here loves books,” you started, “but since he can read 20,000 words a minute there was no way i was going to get his first date present a goddam book he’d read in like an hour, so,” you smiled towards Spencer who was trying to suppress his laughing, “i got him an antique music box, i just happen across it one day when i was leaving the shop. It was sitting right on the bench, waiting for me, i opened it and started winding the handle,” you smiled as Spencer looked down at you with love and adoration, “i didn't recognise the song at first but,” you looked around the table, “you know when you get that sudden feeling, when you hear something and you just suddenly understand what it was and what it was saying?” you asked, Emily, Garcia, Hotch; all the team nodded with a knowing look, “well, it was like that. The music box was the song I played on the stage tonight, Hallelujah, and instantly I knew I had to get it for him” you heard a sniffle on the table as Garcia was wiping at her eyes.

“I’m fine! Stop looking at me like that” the girl said with a smile, “it's just really sweet”

“And this was a first date present?” Emily asked from the side, this time Spencer nodded and answered.

“I had asked (Y/n) out a week prior and we decided we just wanted it to be a nice coffee date and walk in the park, when the time finally came i bought their favourite flowers from the shop, gave them to her and then she pulled out a lovely little bag with a package in it and said ‘this is for you’.” Spencer smiled, “when i went home that night and finally looked at the present, i had the same feeling as (Y/n) did, i didn't recognise the song at first but when it got to that one single word i knew, i knew (Y/n) was the one i wanted to marry one day,” the team around you guys smiled as their favourite profiler finally got the break he deserved in life. “I called (Y/n) right after i finished listening to the music box in a mess of tears and instantly asked for a second date, luckily i was charming enough to get another one” Spencer said in a joking manner as he rubbed his finger nails on his button up shirt as yourself and Emily pushed Spencer jokingly causing everyone to laugh.

“You seem to have it all setup then Ried” Hotch said from the side, Spencer smiled and nodded as he looked at you.

“I and my Annabelle Lee,” Spencer said softly, causing you to blush, a reference to one of his favorite poems by Edgar Allen Poe.

——————————————————————————

HI IF YOU MADE IT I HOPED YOU LIKED IT.

And I hope you saw my nod to MGG at that last sentence 👀.

This was unedited. Apologies.

#criminal minds #spencer reid #spencer reid x reader #x reader #derek morgan #penelope garcia #jj #emily prentiss #jason gideon #aaron hotchner #hotch #nonspecified reader #criminal minds fanfiction #spencer reid x nonspecified reader

[delbeugre]

Have you seen SADIE BEUGRE? DEL is in HER/THEIR SENIOR year. The MATHEMATICS MAJOR is 24 years old & is a CAPRICORN. People say SHE/THEY are GRITTY, BEWITCHING, RETICENT and WASPISH. Rumors say they’re a member of HASTINGS. I heard from the gossip blog that SHE BIT AN EX-BOYFRIEND’S PINKY FINGER OFF AFTER SHE FOUND OUT HE CHEATED, AND THEN HAPPILY SERVED TIME FOR IT.

im tommy im a freak and of course i am here to get freakalicious with u all... this is my newest frankenstein type creation named sadie i know .02% about her yet but i am more than confident she will b nothing but a fun time! like this if ur down to plot!

TW: VIOLENCE, MENTIONS OF JAIL/PROSECUTION, MENTIONS OF SUICIDE, DRUG USE

BACKSTORY

capricorn sun / virgo moon / scorpio rising

raised by her uncle Big (his name) who is a hermit shut in town local in the depths of the florida marshland like some goosebumps protagonist. hes gone far past socially acceptable in terms of his ability to connect with the modern person but is wise beyond belief... his whole vibe is a warped cross between a cryptid and a mountain man that forages and cooks neighborhood plants. married for 27 years before his wife passed from illness. its quite possibly the only thing hes ever been emotional about

but dels entry to his life throws a wrench in his sadness (despite abandonment being what they bond over). she takes the focus away from his loss with her presence; her dad, his brother, died in a tragic train-car collision around the same time (which is speculated to be a suicide bt nobody can ever really be sure). he was a single parent so her custody is thrown up in the air for a few months as cps decides what they r gna do with this freshly orphaned little scrapper

she just kinda turns up on his doorstep n from there they cohabit a space. shes arnd 6-7 at this time... big never seemed to b phased by the fact tht she was a child n tended to treat her more like an apprentice or guest. he was never close to her father because of their age difference, being the older out of the two, so to have his daughter become his responsibility is just..... weird

this doesnt mean that he wouldnt provide for her bt it was. not very parental whatsoever.... no conversation or interaction beyond what was necessary. she was a mute fr a while and still is? to a degree.... very short spoken

when she got to her preteens he offered her an allowance in exchange for little odds and ends of stuff to be taken care of around the house. errands n all tht.... sometimes he wld purposefully leave things for her to pick up n take care of without mentioning it for a bonus. taught her the importance of saving your money and the horrid corruptness of a society basing everythings worth off paper. big exposed her to a lot of knowledge and took advantage of her silent curiosity by fueling it with books, homeschooling, life skills (catching a fish, setting a trap, knowing your berries in the woods...... the works)

her teens carried out the same way bt with the introduction of a real job, a spot down at the local butcher shop checking people out at the register and helping around the back of house. del knows a great deal abt cow/pig/chicken/etc anatomy from her years here..... she committed to being 100% vegan into her early twenties because of her trauma frm this occupation

it paid very well tho n was the best gig she was going to get within a reasonable biking route from home. so she settled!

the plan wasnt to keep it up for long anyway. she worked rly hard for her spot at yates and didnt intend to ever screw herself over. her plan was to get her bachelors, masters, become a professor, pursue a personal hobby of agriculture and build an elaborate greenhouse to live in

bt things happen..... 

some 35yr old douche with a green thumb woos her at a gardening store n swoops in to teach her a little more abt romance; all of this, of course, under the guise that he had all these tips and tricks for living environmentally friendly. a lame hippie wannabe that shouldve never even approached her bt alas.... he did

love is a touchy subject n it hadnt been something she set her sights on, but she was interested in wht this dude could teach her n at 19 she ended up falling in love. she delayed her education to stay an extra year back home and work out another plan which included him

this was very disappointing to her uncle bt he didnt have anything to say abt it. it was never parental before n it was never going to be, so this was another lesson she wld just have to overcome on her own

it turns out that she doesnt care for infidelity. when the confession comes out its met with a lot of screaming, bawling, blistering white hot anger. the whole incident is blacked out of her mind to b honest....

matters of the heart are no longer something to concern herself with because of the repercussions of her rash behavior regarding heartbreak O________O she spent a year in jail n still has to attend therapy / anger management meetings

deep down she is still hurting. there was a lot of pain... bt the sadness is not over the loss of some noob. she is in a state of constant disappointment, detaching from herself out of shame. putting her own life on pause only for it to turn out like that? stupid stupid stupid... 

PERSONALITY

chugging along! tldr spectre-like swamp nymph aura with the slightest (not so slight) unhinged feral tendencies

delicate like a moth resting in the gleam of a flashlight.... her anger singes her wings when shes too comfortable staying in one place, so theres always constant stimulation, always shifting gears. shes prone to feeling threatened; that being said, sadie is wary of walking in crowds, a little bit skittish when approached without making eye contact beforehand. like a small grey kitten..... in a big wide world

has a hard time keeping a conversation bt is very interested in debate, and even more so in studying alongside someone in complete silence. it reminds her of home in the same sense tht her uncle wld nudge her to keep reading by always having his own book open

doesnt have many friends and is alright with that. rumors are tht she is still a virgin bt who really knows? not i...... bt i wldnt be surprised if this was true. shes not impressed by people nor material items so this whole yates crowd is a turn off

she is truly clueless when it comes to how to behave around anyone her age. i think she understands but it just doesnt compute. she could come off as impolite bt it is just standoffishness? some people cld try to crack her but i dont think even she knows what that would be, or what that would look like. even in her one (1) failed relationship it was never deep heart to hearts or sharing dinner..... solitude is her realm

del is very comfortable with herself, very open with her wardrobe! doesnt leave too much to the imagination? she appreciates the human experience n expresses that thru this whole “body is a temple” type thing.... not quite confidence, but proudness of being. has gotten multiple notices frm professors for her tops being too sheer, nylons too ratted up, etc. has dirt under her fingernails half the time, chipped polish, some chapstick. smudges her eyeshadow on with her fingers

doesnt smoke cigarettes all too often but is dependent on weed. it kinda perpetuates her paranoid demeanor bt at the same time it keeps her lax enough to be able to mentally handle city life

her room is a playground for huge monstera plants, christmas cacti, ivy creeping along the doorway. she sleeps on a tiny thin mattress on the floor with a linen sheet and has her books stacked up on the ground next to it to hold her ashtray. the whole thing is dumb empty

takes her studies seriously and pinches every penny she can..... she has never ordered herself a coffee frm somewhere before, ordered food frm a restaurant... nothing. i wld think the most she would branch out from harvesting everything on her own is buying a bag of sunflower seeds frm a gas station, but even then, she much prefers eating stuff she grows herself. has a tomato plant, some basil beginning to sprout, etc.... manageable crops for any college students tiny space

...

bt yea thats it thats all! connections cld be all over the place. im legit open to anything. theres only a few tht come to mind right off that bat: 

a few people that get along with her? same classes? they shared a bowl n now theyre getting into the nitty gritty of some personal conversation that is veering into no mans land....

some sort of clueless makeover moment? arent rly into sadie as a person bt see a lot of potential... perhaps need a plus one to a party on the fly and figure thats the best option theyve got

crushes? this wld be fun n potentially dangerous! like playing with a hot cast iron pan or something :)

again im vry new to rp so i wld like to leave a lot of stuff up to chemistry, brainstorming n stuff like that, but please consider everything on the table! what i hav mentioned is the tip of the iceberg im so burnt out n i wrote a lot more than i intended to i am so sorry but i promise i am friendly

#yatesintro #/tw implied violence #/tw death mention #/tw drug use #/tw jail mention

[sureivy]

is that HALSEY? no, that’s just IVY CALDER. SHE is TWENTY-FOUR years old and is an EMPLOYEE AT DON’T FRET & PAWS 4 LOVE. rumor has it they’ve been in town for FOUR MONTHS / TEN YEARS. on a good day, they’re CREATIVE & VERSATILE. but watch out! they can also be IRRESPONSIBLE & VOLATILE. TRIGGER BANG BY LILY ALLEN (FT. GIGGS) plays in my head whenever i think of them. can’t wait to see them around springhill!

hello my pals ! i’m amy ( 20 // est // she/her ) and i am super excited to be here! we also over here bringing back a fairly old muse (i,, apparently,, play her during election years,,) with a couple of tweaks, so we love that for me! also! pls forgive me if this is lowkey disorganized, we’ve been in and out of airports all day! can’t wait to contract that sexy corona!

QUICK FACTS:

full name: ivy rose calder

date of birth: may 2, 1995

*does not perfectly reflect the below big three zodiac chart because that’s too much math

zodiac big three: taurus sun, pisces moon, aquarius rising

gender & pronouns: cis woman & she/her

sexual orientation: bisexual ( preference for women bc we luv that for her but we also luv leaving things open to chemistry )

education: high school diploma

enneagram: 7w8?

mbti: enfp

moral alignment: chaotic neutral

positive traits: creative, versatile, passionate, compassionate

negative traits: irresponsible, volatile, impressionable, hedonistic

BACKGROUND INFO:

triggers: brief implied sexual abuse, suicide, a lot of death talk?, drug abuse ( desoxyn ), overdose

ivy lived the first eight years of her life in newark, nj. she had a mere family of three – her mother, a model-turned-stay-at-home-mom, her father, a politician, and herself. she was much closer to her mother, but she and her father were close at night.

when her mother finally found out about this, she wasted no time in taking ivy’s father’s side. what a good mom! instead, ya girl was already getting in touch with cps herself... but wow... it was gonna ruin his career in politics :\

“Now, one thing I lerned from Storys is, when something big is about to okur, a riter will go: Then it hapened! This tells the reeder: Get Reddy. Here I go: Then it hapened!” - fox 8

then it happened!

humiliated, clearly never getting a platform back, and absolutely bitter, ivy’s father killed himself before being sent to prison. 

Very Tragique™

ok. so. to distance themselves from the poor memories, but to save money, ivy and her mother moved to springhill, temporarily sharing ivy’s aunt’s apartment while her mother began collecting enough money to buy an apartment of their own and keep it.

during this time, ivy was seeing a lot of people and she didn’t know why! they asked questions about her mental health, but she didn’t know why! i mean, totally not traumatic, right?

yes. instead of managing communication well, she became very fascinated by the concept of death. she had many questions about it, she, a youth, had some extended conversations with clergymen about it –– she never killed any animals, god forbid, but she was absolutely fascinated when she ran across them.

SO CLEARLY THAT WAS ALSO TRYING TO BE DEALT WITH.

ok, i’m gonna skip ahead a little. now in teen years and still fascinated by death, but in a healthier way!, and no longer in therapy because... like... that costs a lot of money!

she dealt with it the best she could. became enamored with music... because why wouldn’t she? some covers here and there, some originals here and there, living that youtube lyf, but not expecting anything to come of it. just liked validation! mood!

she also dealt with it the worst she could! became enamored with drugs! naturally, it started out small. some weed, some lsd, some molly –– you know, just drugs that you don’t typically think of as addictive. although her grades suffered, it was harmless enough...

upon graduating high school, she figured... no college. instead, with barely any money to her name, she was like “i... will go to new york... and i will become famous.”

and she did! she did go to new york! she found a few sketchy places that didn’t charge much for a few nights as she began networking - both socially and “i would like to be known for music” (i literally just forgot the word for networking like..... employment wise.... y’all i’m so dumb). when she’d made some friends, she began crashing on couches that were not quite as sketchy! 

but :\ she did meet these friends in sketchy places :\ and they were like “ok here r some new and more addictive drugs for u to try!”

what she wound up abusing using the most was desoxyn. it kept her awake, it kept her focused, it even shed a few pounds to create an excellent figure! what wasn’t to love! 

i mean it’s literally a prescription methamphetamine,,, when abused,,, literally almost exact same effects as meth,,, but when meth mouth, skin lesions, acne, etc aren’t occurring as a side effect? who was she to care!

20, she released an actual ep with the help of a super cool friend who made everyone call him puppy mills! wow! things were excellent! it wasn’t necessarily seeing mainstream traction, but there was a decent enough following! enough to release an album at 22!

perfect timing, btw! desoxyn was starting to become too expensive for puppy to afford and trying to fake having such a severe form of adhd that desoxyn would be prescribed as opposed to something like ritalin or adderal when it’s literally illegal to prescribe in some countries now?? too hard :\ but the money from the album helped her and puppy!

*olaf vc* puppy died. *end vc*

she was there for it too. she thought it was just a freak-out, took a LITTLE too much, but not OVERDOSE worthy... then he l i t e r a l l y died. and it was a painful death!

“oh wow! maybe prescription meth isn’t super cool after all! shucks!” but that was also an opening?? to visit death herself?? like... she didn’t necessarily want to die (sort of), but she wanted... an answer to the question that had plagued her her entire life... so she was like “ok hope i die then someone revives me but if i die then :\ i guess i die!”

did not die. but also did not get a satisfying answer to her question. the only way it would’ve been truly satisfying? if she had been dead for longer than a minute - then it would’ve given a definite answer! because the answer she received was just nothingness which, while peaceful... is it true?

she tried to detox alone, what because rehab is a business, and it... only... sort of worked. she would be clean for a few weeks, then fall back in, then clean for a few weeks, then fall back in. whenever she wasn’t just naturally focused and awake, or whenever what she was focused on was the past, she would fall back in.

i mean, a side effect is memory loss, so win/win!

she made the semi-wise decision to move back to springhill. wisest would’ve been to just move to a town/city she had absolutely no memories in, but better than moving back to newark!

so... without much to show, and with an unreliable streak, she knew she wouldn’t be able to start looking for much of an occupation – but she still needed money! so she began working at don’t fret out of a love for music, then began working at the animal shelter after completing training.

the main training was, of course, for putting animals to sleep.

FULL CIRCLE.

ah yes. how she pretends it’s healthy... even tho there are studies and statistics relating suicide to veterinarians and shelter workers who euthanize animals... ah yes.

has been back for four months now. love that. do not know how to finish this.

TL ; DR:

born in newark. moved to springhill at 8. childhood trauma that she is still carrying causes fascination with death. “i love music.” moved to ny at 18 because realistic. childhood trauma also causes dependency on desoxyn. releases an ep and an album. does not become famous, but they both have decent traction. moves back after an overdose. relapses... often. now sells records and puts animals to sleep. miss american dream since she was 17, amirite?

PERSONALITY / MISCELLANEOUS INFO:

one person one week, a totally different person the next.

wants to please people, but also wants to be her own person? it’s a whole deal!

in spite of her slight icarian incident, she still hopes to maybe one day become a real musician and performer. until then, we selling records and saying ‘goodbye’ to sweet animals!

can truly flip like a switch in interactions! does love ruining things for herself! almost always feels bad after bc :\ damn :\ alright :\

i’m very bad at these sections i really hate that i always include them!

is still avoiding healthy coping mechanisms. love that for her.

favorite movie is, unironically, the bee movie. favorite horror movie is cats.

SO GOOD at memorizing random lines or trivia. could probably recite literally all of who’s afraid of virginia woolf? other than that?? her memory is so bad. hate drugs for that :\

she uses her hair to express herself! (that sounds really boring.) ...she uses her hair to express herself!

but no. seriously. wears the black shag weave the most, followed by the blue/yellow combo ( we stan the badlands aesthetic ). occasionally forays into other colors and styles when money permits, but it’s usually gonna be one of those two!!

was an envy on the coast stan in high school which makes an inappropriate amount of sense.

will go out and steal the dumbest shit when she’s drunk. has a history of stealing chickens.

once again: hate that i always include these!! feel free 2 j consult the personality parts in the quick facts!!

CONNECTION IDEAS:

ok we gonna list some general ones for right now! all are open to multiple people unless there’s an asterisk by it!

close friends –– moonie, teagan,

ride or die

childhood friends –– moonie,

bad influence ( mutual or her on them ) –– veronica ( mutual ),

good influence ( them on her ) –– presley, hayden, gabrielle,

exes ( can be from high school or something like that if based in springhill, can be from 20s in new york if based in new york )

fwb –– trent,

will they, won’t they –– presley,

someone who knew her music ( can be neutral, a fan of it, or hate it afhkjsl ) –– presley, moonie, teagan, indiana, 

will also possibly be sending in some wanted connections for things that are! more specific!

truly anything!! also up to brainstorm and/or look at yours if you have them!!

UPDATE: i have created a wc page so we luv that for me.

OK. like this or hmu if you’d like to plot!

#springhillintro #DONT WORRY THERE'S A TL;DR I. DIDNT KNOW WHEN TO STOP. #also!! am gonna leave the ooc post up for a few so i have reference for who liked it bc i must!! #depart for about an hour and a half and i do not want!! to forget!! y'all idk what im doing today.

[whimsically-ominously-auspice]

This is the last human mimic alien we have to fight.

He's realized he's lost because you people aren't running wild having orgies and you're listening to the DNA4U

And further more You all don't want to share.

When i posted the video of Miss Shawntae telling snoop it was time to snoop her body up... And then Snoop went all seductive to the camera...

122895x1000= men that said "Nigga ima beat your ass you know my wo/man gonna see that. You ain't need to be showing yourself!".

76584284×1000= said "ew i hope i don't have my any asking me to do anything tonight after what i just seen. My imagination gonna kill myself! And i know that's just wrong wrong wrong!"

Now multiply the digits together before the multiplication sign and that is approximately minus 1000 That supported Snoops message.

I did all 3. I had to advert my eyes even. Although he couldn't even see me.

Now Snoop and i know each other over 8000zillion years. So i can easily put myself in his shoes.

So he would walk in and I be having sex and he just sit down and start having a conversation. Like we having BBQ ribs and not sexual intercourse.

His wife tho .... He would make sure "the white boy was covered" and tease her don't look. She look at the carpet... Eventually it kept going on so i took a picture off the wall and put it on the floor where she always sat.

She said "why you do that?"

"I realize the kids keep jumping on the bed and knock it off. Snoop stare at you If you move your face. And unless you're on LSD it's no fun staring at the carpet. So i gave it to you where it seems you always be looking although i had to take a pretty healthy guess. I just felt you was having the most miserable time of all and as my friend it was my honor to trip out and give you a gift"

She used the reflection to put on her makeup and slept in bed later.,Snoop quit being so paranoid. Cause she would face the wall and lean against him.

Point is... Snoop be all like he was watching sports to make sure we got the score.

I mean. Man. Earth. We tried everything we could to stop these aliens from wanting to habe orgies. Even,took,away,their dicks!!!

We did everything. Planet.

Y'all locked up with your soulmates made little difference on this kick of his.

I been doing it. I been riding like I been going around the world 500 times. I love sex.

82% of y'all all around the Earth been having sex.

4% have watched porno

18% have had 1 wild orgies of those 18% -- 32% had s second one. Of those 0.00004981% have gone onto a third.

Of those having 2 or more orgies 92% were aliens

Leaving 8% Of 18% of the entire world interested enough in watching or having sex with other people than their soulmate.

Who saved the world?

100% of humans.

You all get $5 and that includes children.

He's done all he could and he's failed. 100%

I think Edgar might be human... Looking at his alien structure in the film.

But he treated me like an alien. Im still a POW.

Alex had to sell a bed because he acted non human. And Alex worked hard on it to make it perfect for me.

I would been fine gloating from it. Fighting and being sassy to aliens.

But then someone claiming to care about me,most of all abandoned his son and law and daughter. And i hear stories of him being evil.

Some time ago they asked me "do you want a dad or mom?"

"No"

"We need to know because the future of the,Earth,depends on it. And the future of you. Now do you want a dad or,not?!"

"The question is will i remain needing a dad or father figure in the future. No i am fine. I have male role models to keep the species alive. Males. (Species not gender) I also have my mom in Mrs Harriet Tubmam. And if that fails then at that time i should be able to get the rest of me. But she's fine. I'm fine. I just got to remain stable. But adding a father or another mother i don't know just yet can remain disasterous."

Luckily Alex didn't burn the bed down. But it was,bugged and bombed by "Edgar", to me 'its just another one of those things we have to clean"

Do i care? Nothing. He doesn't affect me. I worry about Alex having to,deal with it. But,hes being,and,staying clean,and,then when he's,scared he stays by other cold turkey or non users. He was,around Crystal meth yesterday and he tasted 1/4 of a gram. Like when you would put your finger in the sugar jar. Then lick it. The other guy smoked 4.9876 ounces and blew it all in their faces including the babies. Thus Alex got 7.698 grams ingested via second hand smoke.

I didn't notice but we got in a fight with each other. Just like we always do.

Alex and i power punched him and his eye socket -- ocular bone -- was crushed like glass in 17 cracks.

His jaw I punched more alone but with Alex and total both sides he lost 9 teeth. And had to be wired shut after 72 stiches because i split his upper palate in two. I cracked his lower palate in 8072 places. So if you found a skull it would rest on powder of his lower jaw and then you'll find the upper. After decaying..

Then Alex on the top of his head had 49 stitches to repair his soft tissue from his frontal lobe when he crashed to the floor after the super punch to eye hit the coffee table.

He did get one "good" punch in -- his skull hit Alex right in the right eye.

It fucking hurt but it hurts in a good way. Its weird it's like "reward!" Pain. No suffering. Fucking got him good tho. We feel it every now and again. May be it is when he realises we will kill him for good. He keeps remembering that sudden silence of death.

He's currently on life support. "Medically induced coma" is our non panic code words. But it's basically life support but usually not full life support. It isn't 100% life support medical machines. Its 75% or less.

So technically it's life support and coma mixed. So we csll it medically induced coma. This way you understand if your family is the one on the machines -- it's only 25% body life.... However there's a 75% of recovery via healing machines.

The CIA. Willl decide when to pull the plug. Usually medically induced coma is someone evil or someone bad with the ability to be good. Usually aliens go straight to coma status.

If an alien will die it's 1st life support then coma. Your friend or family will die.

They said medically induced coma. But at this time. His brain is incapable of human thought so I am putting him on life support.

This makes it the family's wishes.

Most of the time "next of kin" is spouse then parents/siblings. Then children last.

Which is wrong. It should be the future. Thus Erica and Steven will ask the babies. And together they will decide.

Last night as a CIA operative while he was in a medically induced coma i was told by at least 1 child and 2 adults to pull. I reviewed. While they spoke from shock and relief their true feelings.

Knowing that the children escaped life with Eric once. I don't feel the right to allow Eric to live. I know the consequences of his actions caused two children to leave my planet in fear and terror and disgust because of Eric.

Erica was my 3rd pregnancy to abort and hold souls.

I hate Eric. That's why i punched him in the fucking face. I was happily surprised that Alex did it. Too in person.

Since the infants are involved and already resurrected. And had a nightmare of a time in less than 36 hours on Eaerth.

I allow them to be there to pull the plug, they can actually yank and pull the plug themselves.

So that is what i want and what the children need.

It will show Eric he doesn't belong here and has no,reason to,be at 25%

It makes life easier for all of us.

Eric was an outdoor kid. Like John and Jason and Greg. Etc. He never went into my school.

They didn't have to. And actually weren't ever enrolled. They liked the man work to learn to survive on their own.

While i taught the children the indoor stuff. The expansion of the mind.

I taught them the economy so the men working to increase their own economical structure could be helped to be taken in under their wings.

I left no one behind.

But he refused confirming.

1. Alcoholic system to drop other drugs. -- he uses crystal meth. Without cut backs. Without moderation

$5 if yoh remember and realized i said make smoothies without alcohol to share with your kids.

2. He blew it in their faces on purpose them injesting over 2.4 grams each.

Erica and Alex would cover their faces with thick blankets when the smoke came towards them.

It was quite a hostage situation. Knowing he could take the newborns and kill them in front of them.

Its happened to me 985 Point 2 times. I'm 35 years old.

875.8 times it's been with a knife.

Take the numbers and multiply by 10 million. For the last some kinda lots of 8 thousand zillion years.

It even happened to Alex. He he has the scars. From,this and last life., it,has happened.

So for me they're terrifying. Unless I'm there... I have saved 900 billion times 30 thousand. I those situations.

But i always remember the ones i lost.

So don't worry when I'm suicidal. Just leave me alone. Don't talk to me. I need silence.

So dead babies y'all.

Dead aliens.

It will be done

I seen that actually quite beautiful meme of April 2020 the clouds and UFO.

I don't get mad or violent because I'm stepped back to watch y'all cope.

But I say to y'all "fuck no that's not happening" I say to that UFO "Fucking try it you will all die" i just scroll on because I get so angry. I get so mad. Its a beautiful photo but i refused to repost it because it isn't something i support.

Most reposts of memes are supported unless i type something on the bottom. Saying it's not.

So my dad. I didn't care until i saw The Rock, "her dad is alive" all happy and in support.

Then i was bothered. Then I cared. Then i felt something about it. But until then i felt nothing.

I didn't feel shame..i felt that were all made of glass.

Because I was happy to have a dad.. One that seemed good. I was actually happy.

And it was kept personal to me... But then I saw the Rock felt it. Then I began to feel..

Broken. But Alex kept it together and started getting rid of the bed. Taking it down. Removing bombs. And fixing all that ass hole did "my dad"

I know the Rock.. He can handle. His dad just died. And we did a lot for him.

So for him to be elated. I get through the day thinking no one really cares what i feel and they don't pay kuch attention..but the Rock in that moment in time.

He was happy. And i knew then i had to Destroy a light of happiness inside him and he looked away from the camera to say "we are all happy. The while world"

DNA4U list one person as my father. He's my uncle..

Edgar claimed it was his 18th cousin.

You know, it doesn't matter.

Donate. Mr Lee Tubman. And more. They're my dads. They kept me safe. Taught me to be wiser and more caring about myself. Donte was 2 years younger than me. But he was a father figure. Guy was the fun dad. Fred Flintstone i called one friend's dad was the fishing buddy. We were not close but he was a silent father figure.

I stole all my friends dads. Borrowed them. Their moms, too.

I have 1800 moms that I call mom.

I know who my moms and dads are.

Just like Erica called me mom the other day and Brittany will too. And Alex my cousin's son. Candy. Brandy. Declan.

So i know i have a family that understands it doesn't matter how I got here. It matters who treated me well. Matthew McCognohey. Kid rocks. They're like my dad's and my kids. Uncles and Cousins.

Blood doesn't matter. Shit half the time Snoop is my God or dad or bother or husband or little kid i have to save. He's my friend.

Snoop is too much of everything. He is my co-nigger. My partner in many crimes against humanity (practical jokes)

I call him my Friend. But my family wouldn't be complete without him and Shawntae.

Harriet. I call her momma all the time. It feels natural. Sometimes i call her old lady.

So while i was joyful for a moment thinking I found someone that actually cared to find out he didn't.

I myself wasn't affected until i knew others would be

Its just a lesson in life. Don't trust people.

I told Alex abandon ship, fuck that place. Ain't no one can go in there!!

He understood and agreed then took the role "no,one is driving me and her from our home." He decided to defend the homestead. That is the role a man takes

Im all you gotta sweep the whole place,then,rest and do,it again,2 more times at least.,Then,again when,I,get there. If i get there.

But i feel good to know my lover isn't gonna let anyone drive him down. Just turn around. Learn a lesson. Clean the mess.

Why do i need a father when i have a man?

Clearly i am an independent woman and always have been.

But i need a family. Otherwise I have no point to live.

And that is why i am suicidal.

I don't see s point to live. Not when Alex and i fight and i don't want him to talk to me cause some alien got in our way once again.

He was double attacked by aliens.

So if their desire is for me to die... Then they should keep,doing it.

If,not they need to stay out of my way so i can,get my family,together again.,in,real life.

My family that I know is my family. Not aliens. Not fans. Not someone that needs to apologize to me or needs an explanation.

People that can think on their own and not be reminded they need to have love in their spirit.

Now Snoop sometimes plays the role of my brother. And we are competitive. It just makes us proud of each other and ourselves for surviving a challenge. I do it to him too but I play old hard skill. He plays old new remember when. I do ancient V-Ball and he does pop and country experience.

So his spirit is of an ego -- which salutes the fact we will grow.

Often we do the spirit of mischievous. To remind danger still exists but we will have fun and love in the end.

Friend. Someone that is gonna fry you but the end od what matters.

Sometimes we relax and chill. But them old cogwheels of the mind never quit rolling. Advance. Advance. Lets keep it going don't stop.

He's like me. Suicidal.

But he used to release his inner poison. Now he makes it not exist by doing something else ....

But me? Nothing helps but the mimic of death itself. Silence.

People are what causes it. Alien people.

So you humans. Keep on being you.

Its you that is gonna save the world

I gave you guidelines to help us out this mess.

Because I can't even see y'all because the aliens surrounding me trying to get my last breath.

Show me you. Save us. You're doing good

I got $5 on y'all that we make it.

[lifeofbouyd]

Vacay - Tropical Bliss

Overhearing a conversation in the bar.

I think it’s best you shut up Jen, you talk too much. I didn’t book my ticket to come to sit in a hotel and do nothing. I came here to enjoy the sun, the food, the rum and get some Caribbean dick before going back. If you wanna sit here and do nothing that’s your business, I wanna get wild tonight.

A few seconds into hearing them debate over vacation plans I had asked the bartender for something strong, as I needed to wash away my “X”. 2 shots of tequila, 1 shot Henny, 1 shot Vodka, 2 bananas, and some fruit juice. He whipped it up and poured it out in a tall glass, handing me a slice of lime and some salt on my hand.

Bartender: I call this the Chemical X. Drink it slowly then eat the lime and the salt.

I thought he was joking because he said that for every drink he had made before. But there was something spooky about this one, looking like some lab project about to explode.

If you can drink this in two gulps I’ll personally pay you $50 USD. By the time he said that the entire bar was looking at us. I’m never one to back from a challenge and even tho this seemed like suicide I was already feeling dead so no. I smelled the cup then turned it to my head. “Chug chug chug chug chug” they chanted. By the time I drank the last drop, but the lime and tasted the salt; my body was out of breath. It was harsh on my chest and felt like it was gonna stop my heart from beating. (((((Cough,cough,cough))))) I couldn’t stop coughing. The bartender threw me a bottle of water and I turned it to my head while a lady knocked my back. My eyes were filled with water and steam fumed from my ears.

Bartender: I can’t believe you did that without stopping. Holy shit. You are something else. He dipped for his wallet and placed a sharp $50 bill under my glass.

Foxy: Hi, I’m foxy from California what’s your name? I looked around to only see it was the girl who’d been talking about getting Caribbean dick. Staring at me from head to toe and smiling with my muscles. You work out?

Me: I’m Bouyd, I was born sexy

Foxy: Well, I’m here for a week and I’m single. How much will it cost for you to show me a good time? I got tons of money.

Me: Well I’m not up for sale, but I’m here for a week too. We can hang at no charge.

She took my phone, dialed her number and save it as “Mr. Caribbean”. She said she was gonna take a shower then hit the club later on. That was my original plan but seeing that she wanted my company made it even more fun. I grabbed my $50 and another shot of tequila before running off to my room. My room was facing the ocean on the fourth floor, one of the hotel’s best views. I rearranged my stuff and ordered a bottle of Moët on ice. After taking a long shower she messaged me, wanting to know what room I was in. I shot her the info and within three minutes she had reached my door. I opened the door to a goddess, a totally different person than I had seen in the bar. I couldn’t tell if it was the makeup or if I was drunk but she was damn pretty. She had the figure of a model, standing no more than five feet tall with golden blonde hair. She made herself at home while I got myself together. I premeditated all the things I wanted to do to her, but by the time I got out, her friend was there. Two hot chicks sitting in my bed watching movies. My smile touched my ears as soon as I realized what they were really up to. They popped the Moët and within minutes it was empty. I rolled us some scliffs then dragged my Versace shoe on and headed out.

The hotel provided a shuttle and I was reserved VIP seats. Been a regular guest I got treated like a king. A bottle of champagne, some weed and even some other girls the entertainment guys had lined up for me to meet. We rolled into the party like we owned the place. Approximately 25 if not 30 of us. The selector was whipping up a storm of old dancehall hits and the crowd was feeling it. Before long they were tipsy 🥴. Acting like crack heads. This was their first time smoking weed and drinking Hennessy and that shit hit them hard. Ashley started biting on my pants front, demonstrating how she wants to blow me while Victoria was whining on me from behind. As good as that felt I wanted them sober. I just don’t have it in me to fuck a drunk 🥴. I started handing them bottles of water to calm them down, but the other guys wanted them drunk as fuck. I then realized they were up to no good. I grabbed three of the other girls who were drunk as “bats” and grabbed a cab back to the hotel. Five girls, one king size bed and I didn’t even know what room they were staying in so I could take them to their rooms. I spread all five across the bed and made myself at home in the couch with a scliff, Law and Order and some Hennessy I had left from the day before. I closed my eyes for what I thought was a minute, but by the time I opened my eyes it was 9:30 am. They were still knocked the fuck out looking as if they were dead.

Me: Y’all need to wake the fuck up before I throw some water on y’all ass.

They mumbled showing signs of life which were more than a relief for me. Five dead white girls in my bed would be the headline story. I took me a shower and ordered us breakfast. The room service guys stood steering at all five women in bed.

Guy: Bomboclath bad bwoy, a so yu dae “terble”. Five white gyal one time. Yuh green cyaad sure.

I chuckled and gave him a tip while waking them up. To their surprise, they still had their clothes on and I was gentleman enough to order them breakfast. It would seem this was strange to them that they didn’t get dick after been so high. They spent most the morning in my room talking about their bumass boyfriends back home, and how they’ve never felt a black dick. I just sat there drinking and looking at the planes coming in across the sea.

Jessy: Bouyd, have you ever slept with a foreigner?

Me: Not to my knowledge

Mel: If you got the chance, which of us would you fuck? I smiled and noticed all five as they were eager to hear. Well?

Me: Mmmmm, to be honest, I’d fuck all five if given the chance. I really wouldn’t know who to choose.

Mel: Be careful what you wish for Mr. Man, you might just wind up with five big butt chicks on yo dick tonight. I couldn’t help but laugh at the thought of having all five at once. I didn’t really entertain the conversation as I thought it was just a joke. They all came back after showering and we headed to the beach to have some fun. While in the water noticed they kept whispering to each other. What the fuck they up? Mmmm. I swam all the way to the beach line and they did the same. Surrounded by all five girls I kept wondering what they were up to but couldn’t come to a conclusion. Jessy disappeared under the water while I was distracted and to my surprise, she was holding my legs pulling herself up to my waist. She flipped my dick right into her mouth. As dead and cold as it was, it grew instantly into a big cucumber down her throat. Holy shit, she was some different type of freak, an underwater freak. A mermaid 🧜‍♀️ if you asked me. She was down there almost two minutes before pulling up for air. One after the other, they took turns, passing it around like a bottle of wine. Sucking and licking before taking a deep breath after a deep throat. Now, I received multiple blow jobs long before that, but I ain’t ever get no sloppy job under water. This was some next level kinda shit. As good as it felt I was still worried about what people would say if they realized what they were doing. I’d be considered a king which would be good, but l didn’t want that kind of attention. At least not on the beach.

I went back to my room after cumin in the water. All this excitement had made me dizzy. I rolled us some scliffs and pulled a Henny from the fridge. Halfway through the glass, I had fallen asleep, forgetting I even had company. I was sea deep in my sleep when I felt as if someone was sucking my dick. Was it a dream, was it reality, who could be sucking my dick in my sleep? I slowly opened my eyes to see Mel and Jessy sharing my joystick, giving it mouth to mouth to get it stiff. They looked high as fuck. I laid there motionless with my eyes half open watching them get to work. Mel turned her half-empty cup to her head and kept a cube of ice in her mouth. She whispered something to my dick the ran her tongue from the root to the head. An ice-cold deep throat was the outcome. I jumped when the ice touched the head. Holy shit, she gave me a brain freeze 🥶.

Jessy: I told you that would raise the dead. You owe me twenty bux.

They had given me a jump start and to be honest, I had never been so hard before. It’s as if I was sporting a different dick.

Jessy: Let’s roll on a condom and take turns.

They rode and sucked, and rode and sucked and rode and sucked some more. I watched them climaxed several times before helping them out. Sucking on their necks, nibbling on their tits, hard dick in one and finger in the other. I fucked them until they gave up. They got more than they had bargained for. I rolled a spliff and watched them laying down knocked out in the bed. I was way too high to cum, plus I had already cum on the beach. (((Knock, knock, knock))) let us in. It was the other girls banging at the door. I opened the door as naked as I was with a used condom hanging from my dick. They stared at them laying butt naked across the bed with a how the hell did I miss this look on their faces.

Foxy: Can I please have some dick, I am dying here. I’ll even pay.

I was still horny as hell and I wasn’t gonna make this one time opportunity pass me. I agreed but only to a threesome. Her friend was way too sexy for me to let her go. After all, they didn’t travel thousands of miles for some sun and Caribbean rum. They could purchase that anywhere plus, I had never fucked a foreigner before. By the time I agreed they were both butt naked. Kissing, feeling rubbing. Sucking, licking, riding. Shit, I was living the life. Two chicks across the bed while fucking 2 in the sofa. By the time I came they had cum several times and ready for another. But I was too tired to even lift a finger. I sat in the tub 🛀 with the warm water beating on my body trying to catch my breath. To them, I was a star but tbh I was half next to dead. I went back to four naked girls in bed trying to play hero, but by the time I came again, I was unconscious.

I opened my eyes to Jessy fanning me with an old calendar that was hanging from the wall, and Roxy attempting mouth to mouth. Shit😔. I was so tired I could hardly pull my self from the ground. As soon as they helped me up I rolled a spliff and poured some Henny in my cup.

Who wants more dick, I asked. They all laughed cause they almost killed me a few minutes ago. We went out that night, got drunk and did it all over again. They spent their remaining days in my room which caused me to eventually fuck all five. Three of which were married and two in serious relationships.

As fun as it was, that shit gave me cold feet, made me feel like every woman was a potential liar. These women had men back home who’d do anything for them but still, they be here fucking another guy they don’t know shit about. But who was I to judge, we men tend to spend so much time tryna fuck other niggas chicks we forget to fuck our’s or pay them the attention they need. Which eventually pushes them to find love elsewhere. This makes me worry about my karma. What if a nigga is fucking my chick, what if she is giving him heads and telling me she ain’t no freak? Shit, can these chicks even be trusted? I’ve seen so much shit in my time I don’t even know if ima ever trust women. If it comes, I take it, and if it wants to go, I let it. Ain’t got no time to worry about these flight risks.

[trippz2ill2ace8itout]

⭐🥀TRIGGER WARNING!!

Introducing Last Night At 3AM. I Lost Control. Yet Another Breakdown, I Had about 30 breakdowns. No pity sympathy or attention. && NO I WAS NOT ON DRUGS! I'm over 1 year sober. Alvaro took over (one of my demons/alters) && Dancing Fire (another one) possessed me to the point I almost got a cop call. I don't wanna be a burden &: I wanna save fix care support be there for everyone and everything. I'm sick of being alive. But I can't do anything stupid cuz of me getting concerved to a state institution (which is way different than a mental hospital) cuz I've been in 215 mental hospitals & got diagnosed Critically/Clinically Insane plus over 10+ mental hospitals. All I have is my mom. The breakdowns the vivid flashbacks the mental illnesses getting 10x worse. No treatment will take me cuz I've been to all of them to many times. I can't process anything. My mind imprisons me. I dissociate 89 to 99% of the day. I've been thru every single sorts of treatments/medication I've had trauma 24/7 from 2001-2018. I'm losing my mind. And everyday it's the same thing and people get tired of hearing it.I'm so done with dealing with this everyday. I don't need sympathy. I just don't know man. My mom&& lil brother doesn't want me home, I can't explain what's wrong or going on. I don't wanna be a burden. I'm sorry man. I wanted to self harm again but I didn't. Imagine all my mental illnesses multiplied by 10. Imagine EVERYDAY HAVING VIVID FLASHBACKS AND 22+ Mental Breakdowns a day. I.am sorry if I'm negative. I'm sorry. I just wanna save and fix the world. When people ask me "how are u" idk how much reply. I'm sick of my mind. I feel like darkness is controlling me. I pray A LOT. Alvaro literally possesses me and gets in my body. I have mostly every mental health diagnosis there is. And NO I'M NOT PROUD OF IT I'M NOT BRAGGING OR GLORIFYING It. I just wanna help everyone and everything. Along the my mental health, I have autism, narcolepsy anorexia Etc. My diagnosis list is so long and I don't wanna be known for that. I can't even leave my house. When ever I feel a lil bit better, here comes Alvaro. But again I don't wanna be a burden. It's my job to be there for everyone else NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND. I can't take this anymore. No pity sympathy or attention. I can't seek help cuz then they'll send me to a institution cuz I've been in to many mental hospitals. I'm doing the best I can. But I'm about to snap. I can't function. And I'm getting worse. I don't want attention I want to be OK. I've dealt with all this hell most of my life. It's hard to explain. On top of that. My physical state is getting worse. I'm finding more reasons to die than to live. I'm over 1 year sober. I'm a huge hypocrite when it comes out taking my own advice. I don't love myself. But i am over caring sensitive and I help obsessively. I repeat myself idk I'm just not OK. I'm losing contact with reality. I'm scared to keep going. But I got this.🥀⭐

🥀⭐Your Enough

Your Worth It.

Your Life Has Purpose

This To Shall Pass

Im here for all y'all in anyway I possibly can.

I'm sorry if I'm annoying. I'm sorry

Stay Strong && Keep Breathing ⭐🥀

🌙🌙🔥🔥🖤🖤🥀🥀HUGE TRIGGER WARNING🥀🥀🖤🖤🔥🔥🌙🌙

🥀🥀🔥🔥Hey my name is Izzy && I'm a recovering drug addict && alcoholic with over 1 year sober. This is the longest I've been sober being out of treatment. I've used mostly every drug there is. Being homeless 13 times. In 215 mental hospitals. In 3 foster homes (2 out of 3 were abusive) group homes, unlocked and locked treatment centers, rehabs shelters, crisis centers. Short and long term treatment centers. Which none will take me back cuz I've been there to many times. I've sold myself && got tortured abused raped drugged up for drugs and money to raise my unbio son, Anthony. I lost custody cuz of false accusations. I've had multiple near death experiences (some were suicide attempts && some were naturally done) my drug of choice was meth. I've had trauma 24/7 from 2001-2018, over 10+ mental illnesses. Some were caused from a few bad trips on PCP that I never came back from. I was sleeping anywhere I could rest my head, I had to be alert at all times. Tbh I havent been to a meeting in awhile. My sponsor is like family to me. I'm redoing all my steps. I'm on step 2. I've lost a shit ton of people to drugs and I was literally getting cop calls everyday. Drugs messed with my life. And having this much clean time is amazing. Most of my life I've gotten abused raped, literally tortured and drugged up. Sold. Prostituted, almost killed. But no pity sympathy or attention pls. Any clean time is good time. And I'm proud of all of you in recovery drug addiction is a special kinda hell. Drugs become your priority and your best friend. I got tortured on the daily by people coming in one by one torturing me from orders from Kimberly (my ex fiance who hung herself in front of me) it was one by one. I got so caught on in drugs that it was the only way I knew. I used to numb the pain. I'm so blessed I found God again. Now I have 22+ mental breakdowns a day every day. I found out it had a lot to do with my drug use.🔥🔥🥀🥀

🥀🖤Thank you for breathing even when u wanted to die. Drugs kill you. There's nothing about it to be proud of its serious. You Matter Yo Important Yo A Someone Yo Enough Yo Worth It Yo Have A Purpose, Yo Have A Story, A Message, A Voice, A Reason, Yo A Warrior, A Soldier, A Survivor, A Fighter. You Are U && NoOne Can Be You, But YOU. Your Life Matters YOU MATTER, Yo Life Has Value &% I'm Glad Your Alive. Thank U For Being Alive. People say that I help everyone and everything obsessively && I don't stop. It's very true. This is a shout out to my unbio son that I raised as my own, Anthony Castillo-Martinez, I met him at one of the many abusive foster homes. Where it was owned illegally by Andrea/Angela && Jimmy Miller. We got tortured daily. They were not licensed foster parents. I met Lil Toni there and I escaped with him to meet up with Kimberly. We lived in a run down hotel in LA. I became homeless again. Toni got me through so much and even tho I can't find him (he's been gone for years) your my lil baby. I will always love u. U are my world and one day I hope to see u again. I hope you have a good home now. Going to school. Just doing well in general. And I'm sorry for you witnessing what Kimberly was doing to me. I love u babes with all my heart. 🖤🥀

🖤🔥🥀I failed Cedar House twice. This was a rehab in San Bernardino, California. I lied my way out. And I regret it. Funny thing is I already read the entire NA Basic Text && The AA Big Book. I have multiple sobriety apps on my phone and I have an app that that has NA && AA Speakers on it. I'm reading the How && Why and I'm so proud of myself && I couldn't have got this far without my sponsor, Jaclyn. She understands me better than any sponsor I've had in recovery. Here's a list of my mental disorders, some were caused Or made worse by drugs and alcohol🥀🔥🖤

🌙🔥🔥Schizo-Affective, Bipolar

ADHD, OLD, ODD,

PTSD, Insomnia

Depression, Anorexia

Anxiety, Autism

Borderline Personality Disorder

Severe Brain Damage

Attachment Disorder

Dissociative Identity Fund..

Multiple Personality Disorder

Narcolepsy, Critically/Clinically Insane🔥🔥🌙

🖤🥀Listen I don't need your pity, sympathy or attention these were all diagnosed by over 5 psychiatrists, and diagnosed "Insane" by over 10 doctors. DO NOT SELF DIAGNOSE!!!! Anyways. I attempted suicide over 100 times. Self harmed in anyway possible. They say I'm the most high maintenance case in the system of California. And the next time I go to a mental hospital I'm getting sent to a state institution. I would do anything to get drugs. Jeremy && Izzie Baraz were my street partners. They both passed away. All I have left in blood family is my mom and brother. My mom. Says if I pick up drugs one more time I'm never aloud back in her house. My dad injected me with meth and heroin at age 9, he also tortured me daily. He passed away in 2011. I'm glad he's dead. But I take full responsibility for my drug and alcohol habits. And I hope I never go back. One Day At A Time.🥀🖤

🔥🥀This To Shall Pass, If Not Today There's Always Tomorrow

God, Grant Me The Serenity

To Accept The Things I Cannot Change

The Courage To Change The Things I Can. &&

The Wisdom To Know The Difference

Amen🥀🔥

🔥🔥Keep Coming Back It Works If You Work It🔥🔥

🔥🔥A Moment Of Silence, For The Addict Who Still

Suffers, In And Out Of These Rooms🔥🔥

🔥🔥Staying Clean, Im Never Going Back🔥🔥

🥀🖤I almost relapsed again on New Year's. I almost asked a stranger to buy me Vodka. But God told me to stop.

I'm Always Here 4 All Of You, No matter What.

I'd Do Anything To Keep Y'all Alive && Breathing. To Make U OK. to Save && Fix U && Take Your Pain Away. I Love Y'all. Keep Coming Back.🖤🥀

[boleynns]

LOOSE ENDS, ASSHOLES.

I wrote this 3 days ago, because I just KNEW they were going to fuck it all up.

^PHOTO OF A LIAR, for reference. LONG list of pissed off thoughts below.

ON YOUR WATCH.

That Molly scene in TFP was so horrendous. I don’t even ship them at all, but really. How much of an asshole do you have to be???

How did John and Sherlock survive a bomb by jumping through glass windows and landing 2 stories down on the concrete with no injuries?

How did they get on that boat?

WHY were they on that boat?

WTF was that imaginary plane bullshit???

NO ONE CARES THAT THE DOG ISNT REAL, ARE YOU KIDDING ME

Why did Mary think John would pull away from Sherlock if she died, if she didn’t know she was going to die saving Sherlock? If she’d died ANY other way, John would have no reason to pull away.

Why did Mary give Sherlock the 10000% worst advice in the world (seriously, who tf tells their “friend”, who is a DRUG ADDICT, “GO FUCK YOURSELF on drugs, and GO DIE on purpose” on the random ass off chance that John would find this out in time???)?

Why did Mary have a slip of paper to knock Sherlock out prepared ahead of time?

Why did Mary tell Sherlock and John that “A.G.R.A.” was her initials, when if they had just looked at the fucking drive they would see her real name?

Why was she SOOOOO worried that Sherlock and John would look at the drive, if all that was on there were A.G.R.A.’s identities???

Why did Mary shoot Sherlock directly in the chest point blank, which did kill him enough that the doctors GAVE UP, if she wasn’t trying to fucking kill him dead forever?

Why would Mary not recognize Vivian (or at least, her voice) if A.G.R.A. worked with her?

If Mycroft dealt with freelancers, why did he not know Mary wasn’t fucking MARY???

Why would Mary name her daughter after an alias that could get said daughter KILLED??? AND WE FUCKING KNOW THAT NAME WAS DANGEROUS, BECAUSE MARY LEFT IT BEHIND TO BECOME “MARY MORSTAN” YOU IDIOTS

What did John’s letter to Sherlock say? If is wasn’t going to be addressed, why the fuck would you put it in the episode??

Why did Molly deliver such a hard “John would rather have anyone but you. Anyone” message if it had NO POINT.

Where did the baby go when everyone the baby knew was at John’s “Therapist’s” office at the beginning of TLD? And don’t give me that “it was with friendS” crap, literally only Sherlock, Molly, and Mrs. Hudson went to that kid’s babyshower for fuck sake, John has no other friends.

If you can’t handle the placement of a baby for ONE EPISODE, don’t write one into your show FOR LITERALLY NO REASON.

What was Sherlock’s reoccurring dream that he was telling Ella? Why put that in if it wasn’t important?

If Mary isn’t bad, and therefore wasn’t working with “Faith” and Culverton to set Sherlock up to die (which would have been a perfect and interesting conspiracy), HOW did “Faith” and Culverton know Sherlock would be drugged up enough to fall into their trap??

WTF was the POINT of Eurus texting with John IF SHE WASNT WORKING WITH MARY to mess with Him and Sherlock? Literally ZERO point to the “plot”.

Also, we see that John and Eurus see eachother for a 2nd time at the bus stop. I thought it was important, even though y’all acted like all they did was text, BUT NOPE just another loose end.

TD-12 was absolutely useless, and you spent SO MUCH time on it. 

why did mary keep repeating villain lines (“Miss me?” multiple times, “Anyone!” multiple times in her video, literally fuck off)

If mary had time to jump 5 feet to take a bullet after its already been shot than sherlock had time to jump out of the way you idiots

also the irony of your holier-than-thou deduction sequence when Sherlock got shot, about how big spurts of dramatic blood only happens in movies? You literally fucked yourself.

zero point to Sherlock and John’s extended “ROMANTIC LOVE WILL COMPLETE YOUUUUU” scene on every level, went no where

speaking of that scene, how did Sherlock hear “Mary” say that he should wear the hat???? HUH>?

Mrs. Hudson WATCHED Mary’’s DVD with sherlock, why was she all “OH, wonder what this is, what could it be, WOW LOOK JOHN its your wife???” later with John and Mycroft WHEN SHE KNEW SHERLOCK WAS PROBABLY DYING

Also why would she just let John watch that cold, knowing Mary’s face would show up??

Why did you make Irene a lesbian if you were going to keep making her ride Sherlock’s dick via text message AGAIN.

I’m sure she would want to tell you this if she was here, so I’ll relay the message: LITERALLY GO FUCK YOURSELVES, YOU “SHERLOCK CAN TURN A LESBIAN WOMAN STRAIGHT, HES JUST THAT AMAZING, NO HOMO!!!” ASSHOLES

why was John still crying about his no homo bro being dead after two years, no offense to my best friend but I will think of you really fondly but probably not be going to therapy forever and being all “I literally am so heartbroken that i cant even say the things that i wanted to say to him when he was alive”

speaking of that thing that he couldn’t say out loud to Ella the Therapist: i guess he just really wanted to tell sherlock “No homo tho”, just to make sure he knew that before he died

speaking of things unsaid - I guess the serious thing that sherlock was going to say to john on the tarmac, that he chose not to say for absolutely no decernable reason, was “Bro, I’m gonna miss you, bro! We had some good bro times bro, NO HOMO!!1!” and then they do that back-slap hug that guys do so things don't get too homo

no offense to the prop department, but that light-up skull, that would be either lit or not lit or COMPLETELY BLACK, was bullshit

speaking of bullshit: kindly shove all of those elephants up your ass

including that Take-Out menu on Mycroft’s fridge. I hope you get a paper-cut that never heals.

i might as well have not even bothered taking notes on these episodes, when I could have literally never watched the show before, not cared at all, and been totally fulfilled by everything by not giving a shit about details and character arcs and, you know, literally all of ACD’s original works.

OMG SHERLOCK HAS A SISTER, I don’t fucking care.

AW POOR MARY, John and her were clearly soooo in love!! - says a person who thinks couples that don’t want to be together even a little are super romantic

literally he was trying to leave his marriage like a month after it started, literally go fuck yourself

Your show made less sense, in terms of emotion and character arcs, than Guy Ritchie’s cash grab movies. Yeah. I said it.

“Look at us both”. YEAH, LOOK AT YOURSELVES IN THE MIRROR.

oh wait i forgot, you don’t know what a mirror is. what is literature? what are emotions? idk, lets make mary gasp for breathe and say “you were my whole world!!!” to john even though that makes zero fucking sense for her character or their relationship at all and does huge disservice to them both LOL

Mary could have been the most Awesome Badass Mastermind EVER but you fucked her

An Emotional Arc: Its this thing where characters (who, like people) have emotions (CRAZZY i know), and they start in one place emotionally, and end somewhere new through the story! Lets see:

Sherlock: Starts as a suave, kinda swashbuckling guy who tries to tidy up his apartment for John, asks him to dinner, and basically blushes at John’s attention. In the middle: a bit of an asshole, but one who literally tries to die for John over and over, and literally COMES BACK TO LIFE from a FATAL gunshot bc his subconsious doesn’t want to leave John with Mary. End? “Sometimes I text Irene, just like you text your side-chick! No Homo For Life, RIGHT??? Don’t think about how every action I take is to keep you safe or happy, lol”

John: Starts as an emotionally repressed, suicidal, PTSD stricken loner who is immediately enamored with Sherlock’s brain, and literally kills a man like 1 day after they meet. Middle: A bit of an asshole who is horrible at understanding that Sherlock is NOT a robot without feelings - but an asshole who is willing to die for him, and with him, but who has major trust issues. End? “I wish I had REALLY cheated on Mary with Bus Girl, I can’t believe I missed my chance! Also, even though I’m reacting extremely jealously to you texting Irene, I think you should hit that! Now hold me while I cry, and then lets get cake while my baby cries on the floor like a Sim somewhere NO HOMEO”

I will never let you forget this.

Congrats actually, you HAVE made history! You’ve made a Historically Huge Fuck Up.

Your show’s depth is thinner than Donald Trump’s skin.

200+ adaptations of Sherlock Holmes, no courage present - oh, except for that one parody “Oklahomo” one (thanks for including Sherlock tweeting an “Oklahoma!” reference also! if I had balls, that would’ve been a kick to them!).

LOL Sherlock and John - literally so hilarious!! All those people whining “They’re Not GAY that gross, Doyle would be rolling in his grave if he found out people thought that!” and “NO! SHERLOCK IS AN EMOTIONLESS ROBOT except he can fuck irene I'm okay with that for some reason”? They were all right! What a fucking joke.

I guess “Could he daily feel a stab of hunger for you, and find nourishment at the very sight of you? Yes [he’s in love with you]. But do you ache for him?” meant nothing—OH WAIT that’s from a show that actually textually acknowledged the feelings of love between it’s two main characters. And they didn’t even say “No homo!” afterwards?? I can’t believe it.

don’t ever ask your audience to pay attention on a subtextual level again. clearly, you can’t handle it.

also: I honestly couldn’t give a shit about your endless and constant derision and annoyance with people asking about the relationship between the MAIN CHARACtTERS OF YOUR FUCKING SHOW get over yourselves, and i really hope somehow ACD comes back as a ghost to haunt you one christmas, just to tell you straightt to your stupid faces that you fucked up, and how sad he is that it will always be 1895 - because nothing ever changes, and they will be stuck there forever, out of time.

how dare you bring Oscar Wilde and Freddie Mercury into this mess.

Your intentions don’t matter - what matters is that I would have been better off not paying attention to literally ANY details, not caring one ounce about the characters, and just tuning in as a completely casual viewer. 

The real lesson was “Caring is not an advantage.”, and that is sad.

And the real Final Problem? “It’s not about the characters, its about some stupid ass dog and a stupid ass ‘Saw’ house, and who gives a shit about the rest.

Congratulations - I no longer care!

#sherlock spoilers #TFP spoilers #tjlc #sherlock meta #LOOSE ENDS #SOOOO MANY because this episode and season were shit apparently #good riddance #johnlock #LONG POST #btw

[subjectsilver]

I wish i was mr happy.

here a story for you - i can't see anything because i got drunk and didn't properly close my contact case then i kicked them on the floor while i was sleeping...now I'm blind as fuck because i have only 1 contact left and don't want to wear just one... i asked my mom to send some like a week ago but she didn't so I'm going to be blind until tuesday afternoon....btw  being blind is not fun because what I've learned is that when you can't see you have one less distraction for your thoughts -  laid in bed all day with thoughts of suicide and refused to leave so i didn't hurt myself. eventually it passed as i took a shower and cried for a little

Monday night i had a dream that emma was bragging to me about her next boyfriend and my response was “HA HA tbh i don give a fuck and they shouldn't either (i was pointing at josh and hand)” bc she was bragging about how her life is set and all planned out now and i was like tbh they should be just as disappointed in you as i am for planning out your life because thats not happiness i was like spontaneity  is happiness - and thats not who you are you are spontaneous not this future planner girl - and then she got up and ran to me started crying and hitting me and hugging me and she was like i wanna be with you and i started crying and i was like no i can't do that right now

i woke up sobbing and soaked in sweat

TUESDAY i had a dream that i was on the side of this road in this own wish grass field with my mom and grandma and suddenly josh smith showed up and i distinctly remember him wearing a white shirt with horizontal orange stripes one inch thick and all the trees around me had n leaves and i went to climb one so i could pee off of it and my mom climbed up and pushed me off and i woke up.

i had a second dream that night that was at a are sremmurd concert except it wasn't at a large venue it was some basement looking type place and it was some random artist that was complete trash i went to this board that had facts about the show and i saw that the show was put on by this guy who was famous in history for his tragedies  - so i think the show was suppose to emulate some trash event in history but it as modern day rap and it was god awful.

WEDNESDAY i had a dream that i ate this caesar salad then i couldn't stop spying out lettuce from my mouth....kinda like  how a clown pulls scarves out continuously, i just kept pulling out mouthful sizes of lettuce it was extremely weird, I've never had a dream like it before

this week started off decent but then went downhill tbh.. when I'm not actively doing something to distract me i literally just sit and  my own head until i tilt off the face of the planet. i hate how much i think about dying and death in general i just can't escape the thoughts. there are multiple times a day or a week that i feel so numb and i just want to hurt myself just so i can feel something physically not really sure if it makes a lot of sense but its like an addictive feeling t me...its like a craving like cigarettes like i want to hurt myself so badly sometimes i just want to see myself bleed.

its really sad when i think aboutt it

when you think thoughts in your head i feel like generally its your own voice that you hear your thoughts in and u are consciously generating these thoughts.... sometimes when i get low i hear a voice in my head that ins my own and like it just appears and I'm not really sure if its just there or if I'm generating it..because when i catch it finally it goes away...but whatever it tells me is usually horrible and downs the fuck out of me and tilts me and makes me feel so small.

6 days into taking prozac one or two weeks to go.....havent really been eating - nothing new i have noticed tho that when you're skinny and don't need a lot to fill up you save so much money on food. i bought 2 chippotl bowls and i got 4 meals out of it.

i think that I'm going to try harder to stay away. maybe less snapchat stories - and less soundcloud reposting of songs because like my ex can hate me but for her to actually move soon i feel like i need to just become a memory to her and maybe thats not for e to say but i feel like she wants to move on from me and doesn't like me and even though its the exact opposite of what i want ill try to give her that.

its actually so annoying to type when you can't even see the letters of the keys when ur mac sits 18 inches from your face. i have to pull the laptop super close to my face if i think i made a mistake so i can correct it. even though i literally laid in bed all day i still kinda feel tired...im also trying to get 8 hours of sleep a night bc my mom said it'll make me feel better -  well that and I'm not really trynna have many episodes of forgetting 30 minutes of my life by zoning out into a sleep or day dream.

i had so many thoughts during the week for this moment where i sit down and type it all back to myself but now that I'm sitting ere I'm just kind of drawing a blank.

lief is just crazy for me right now.... its just such a weight on my back and its crushing me and suffocating me and drowning me

when i get down i feel like I'm a completely different person.. when I'm up or even bc I'm never really up killing myself makes zero sense to me...but when I'm really low i feel like its the only thing that makes sense like it is my destiny. 

i laid in bed and watch batman and youtube and listened to hella music toady it was pretty relaxing ig guess except not rule because i was role low and had a ton of anxiety until i started watching batman after i took a hot shower.

my whole family on my dads side is actually in NC right now... they drove thru the city I'm in to go on vacation to the beach...wouldve loved to go to the beach with the little ones but i guess they didn't feel like picking me up or thought i was busy or something, maybe didn't have the room idk.

loose rocks gotta fall its part of the climb...i am a few peoples loose rock and i understand  that as much sense as it doesn't make i can still see where it does. but i need to start my own climb. the thing that gets me is that i feel like if I'm a loose rock to someones life they are a loose rock to mine bc thats not the people i want in my life but i do understand....idk ?fate? ?trial?

that whole paragraph probably didn't even make sene I'm  not rule sure how to convey it and i can't even see what I'm saying so whatever...

oh shit i almost forgot that i watched so many fucking space views today it was crazy dude space is wild and we probably live in a snow globe also the earth is flat.

i hope this week is better than the last. i really do

“every breathe that i inhaled felt like i was trying to push 150 pounds with the movement of my lungs” -cam meekins