#I SHOULD BE WORKING ON OTHER THINGS BUT I DO THIS INSTEAD I HATE MYSELF LOLOL

[punksocks]

Warning Signs That You May Have A Toxic/Karmic Significant Other

Hey everyone, you may have seen my recent post about breaking up with my ex partner after 5.5 years. If not, I’ve been deep in reflection after ending this relationship. My reasons for ending it were that he refused to seek professional help to manage his anger which would come out in constant outbursts of violence (not physical ab*se but hitting walls, kicking furniture, scarring my dog, etc) and his mental health in general. After breaking things off I analyzed our relationship and all the red flags became crystal clear in hindsight. This blog is not only my emotional space to reflect, but also a place to give out advice to make sure you guys feel less alone in the world. So I’ve compiled a list of behaviors that made it clear that in hindsight the relationship was destine to be toxic and could not continue. It’s important to take lessons from painful experiences in order to continue to grow, and that’s what I hope I can help with by sharing my experiences here:

(TW Manipulation, Distressing Themes, Emotional Ab*se)

- They hate your intuition: (they work to make you doubt whatever means you have of self guidance. Whether that’s tarot/astrology, or spirituality in general, or therapy, or your simple gut feelings/reactions to things. They hate them because they know that they’ll be singled out at some point by them so they work to make you not believe in yourself through manipulation/gaslighting. My ex would constantly say the tarot is going to tell me to break up with him, but he never really changed he’d just belittle it and say I was getting weird about spirituality and he’d try to make me doubt myself or choose between the tarot and him. When I asked him to go to therapy he would also say that he was worried the therapist would tell him to break up with me-implying I was the problem. When I would ask him to go anyway he would find a way to avoid it- saying it’s too expensive, too hard to find, he doesn’t have time, etc)

-They constant give you advice that puts you in harm’s way: (My ex always told me I was too quick to cut off people that threw me under the bus and that I was paranoid. When I found out my former business partner was being shady and stealing from me, he told me to keep working with her. I said I had to take things over. He said I had no chance of covering the expenses on my own and that he wasn’t going to help me at all even though he was working a consistent 9-5. I rationalized this as putting too much pressure on him to support me through my apprenticeship over the previous few months, even though by the time we were having this discussion I had picked up a seasonal 9-5 to compensate for starting the business. I still felt guilty because I was asking him to cover the rent at home while I built this business up. I ended up wracking up debt over trying to cover everything myself and he was telling me I was going to fail every step of the way. When I didn’t fail and the business remained open over a year later, he said he had always believed in me every step of the way.)

- They rewrite history (that’s the other thing- when I broke up with him he said it was his idea to open the studio in the first place. This was a lie. A bold one at that. At the time I would have had to become self taught due to dealing with several egotistical mentors (wow thematic) and I looked for positions in other studios and there were none. My ex told me I should “pause” my goals. I told him I’ll open up my own space with another artist. He had a long talking down to me about how we couldn’t afford any of that, and how impossible it was, etc. But I went through with it anyway, effectively doing all the work on my own. He constantly told me what I was doing was crazy. But I made success out of it, thank God. Now my ex is trying to take credit for the whole thing as if I don’t remember what happened. Audacious.)

- Instead of having their own dreams they focus on wearing yours down (I have so many big dreams I want to accomplish and every other idea I shared with my ex was pushed back on or breadcrumbed. I wanted to live abroad, he’d say it’s too expensive but maybe he could find a way to make it work if I stopped putting so much pressure on him. I took over my own business, he told me I shouldn’t do it and should quit while I’m ahead. He would always try to counter every idea I had with a “logical reason” of why it wouldn’t work. He would try to control me by doubting me and in turn trying to get me to doubt myself. I never actually listened to him in hindsight, and when I pushed through successfully he would pretend to have been on my side the whole time.)

-They always compare you to their exes, in bold ways (My ex would always go out of his way to bring up his past relationships. The examples and instances were never appropriate. But one of the first worst early examples was when we were at a show. My friend’s band was playing. In the middle of the set he decided to look up his ex on social media. I was clearly uncomfortable but he continued. Then when we’re talking he brought up a nickname she used to call him that was inappropriate. When I was upset by this he threw a shirt (merch gifted to him by my friend’s band) in the booth almost hitting me with it and he stormed off. He made himself seem like the victim in a situation where he was trying to bait me into starting a public argument and yet made me soothe him afterward.)

- The betrayal of not ever being believed (early on this was another giant red flag in hindsight. I’m black and I tried to explain colorism to him, while I was having a bad experience with it. He’s white and should have been listening and understanding with open ears. Instead he tried to argue me down for being “mean” to light skinned black people. In the experience I was talking about how a mixed femme at work established a boundary with our white bosses to try to avoid racist harm. They let the femme do this without any pushback. I tried to establish the same boundary in the same meeting and those white bosses accused me of actively refusing to do my job. I told my ex this was colorist and that’s when he argued with me about this. He didn’t believe my experiences until he googled “the right articles”. When I brought this up in the future he would say he was just trying to see all black people as equal. It was a pretty disgusting defense.)

- Throwing insults in your face about past trauma (I told my ex about how emotionally abusive my mother was (wow there’s that pattern again) and he would throw this in my face and blame me or compare me to her at the slightest provocation in several arguments. When I was disrespected at work, he would blame me for misinterpreting things. Complaining about how I used him for money whenever I had asked him for help managing the business’ expenses. And so many deep cuts of things he should never said to me and names he shouldn’t have called me if he ever cared about me. He always wrote it off as me misremembering or him meaning it as something else or a distraction tactic of whataboutism -‘what about when you complained that I left dirty clothes on the floor?’ For example. All ways he tried to manipulate me from seeing this pattern of messed up behavior. Every argument he would make us talk in circles until I would have to give up from frustration and exhaustion.)

-They’re full of hot air, and if they seem like they aren’t they’re probably mirroring you (when I broke up with him I stopped hanging out with him pretty much immediately. Although I had to coordinate moving out still, I started keeping my head down to focus on my work. Essentially I had already moved on. I thought we had had deep discussions about the world and life but when I had less to say he had nothing to add. He would just keep filling up the air with anecdotes about nothing and commentary on anything just to keep crossing my boundaries and to try to force me to pay attention to him when it was clear I neither interested or comfortable doing so.)

- They try to force you to become as cynical and jaded as they are (I was never antagonistic per se, but when we were together I had unconsciously started looking/preparing for the worst in every scenario and every person I’d meet. Because of my ex’s toxic influence. Getting along with coworkers? They must be just “kissing up to you” according to him. Like that tv show most people are fond of? No way that has to be trash. Want to try something new? No there can’t be anything good about that. He was a very stuck person that refused to find the joy in almost anything. Unless it was too impressive to ignore —but even then he had to nitpick it apart. I would wonder why his compliments would feel so hollow- it was because he really had trouble seeing the good in anything. Like a day or two after we broke up I was already feeling lighter and more optimistic. When people were kind to me I embraced it easier and in turn every aspect of life got a little brighter. The contempt for others was palatable. Because he expected everyone to be ready to undercut him like he was ready to do to them.)

- Before you know it, they’ll have you romanticizing breadcrumbing behavior (I asked my ex to get on meds for his mental health and to find a therapist so many times over the course of 5 years. 4-5 months before I broke up with him he got on medication. Then after a peace period of a month or so, we were back in a cycle of petty arguments and he was saying the meds don’t work. He didn’t even try to go to therapy until I broke up with him. he got an appointment the next day because he “was trying to win me back” Essentially, he’d never work on himself or actually actively improve things. He’d always make one or two half steps to placate me then complain about how it was too hard and completely impossible to put the work in. Even with the therapy example, he wanted to display that he could make progress in order to win me back. Don’t worry, I had seen this tactic before and knew he would just fall back into toxicity. So, it didn’t work.)

- When you do leave they get cocky about how you’ll have nowhere to go (I leaned on my ex to support me when I became overwhelmed by figuring out my business on my own. I worked several temp jobs in addition to the business but it was stretching me thin. So I needed his help several times and only had so much saved up by the time I broke up with him. After begging me to take him back the entire night and pretending to be supportive, the next day he was scoffing and boasting about how “[he] didn’t even know what [I] was going to do.” He did this over everything from buying my own detergent-even though I always bought the detergent- to managing my bills on my own-even though I usually managed most of my bills on my own- until I finally was able to move out and leave him behind.)

- They never defend you and always make it seem like it’s your fault if you get attacked (My ex was always siding with abusive people and gaslighting me when I noticed that behavior. As many of you may know, my mom was a terror throughout my childhood. I confided in my ex about how much of an impact this had had on me. Before I went no contact with her we all got dinner when she came in town to see me. Despite all my warnings and preemptive begging to be supported through the difficulty of meeting with her my ex threw me under the bus immediately. He laughed at her jokes at my expense and didn’t stop her at all from singling me out. I shutdown in this moment and began to draw to cope- I’m neurodivergent so that’s one of the things I default to doing when I’m overwhelmed. They continued to make fun of me together and when I asked him why he didn’t have my back afterward, he blamed me for “not being friendly enough” and “not interacting with [my] mom enough”. This pattern of doubting and failing to help me would continue through our entire relationship.)

- They’ll have -self aware- moments that aren’t quite what they seem (I truly cannot count the number of times my ex would start an argument just to talk me in circles then try to get me to believe I was in the wrong too. It was truly maddening. He would always push to say he “understood” how we had gotten there. Then ramble on and on and on saying that I was attacking him and he was the victim of things. I asked him to do the dishes? I’m “criticizing [his] housework and putting too much pressure on [him]”. I ask him not to throw things when he’s upset? I’m “overly criticizing [him] and making [him] so anxious he can’t help but hit things”. And on and on and on it went. He would always tidy it up by saying he forgave me because we were “both wrong” and he just “would try to be better next time and [I] should too”.)

-They have underlying personality issues that need to be addressed (and when you bring a hint of these up, they lash out about how you’re attacking them and they throw personal attacks back at you because of their fragile ego. If you -somehow- get them to see a mental health professional you may find them lying about what feedback they got. After I broke up with him he said he’d go to anger management class and find a therapist “to win me back”- funny how it’s after you leave them and set the ultimate boundary they do the work to show you they can hypothetically change and it’s never one of the times you’ve begged before in the midst of madness. Before I moved out I overheard his therapy appointment and she asked about his bipolar diagnosis and he said he was just anxious despite the mood swings. When he came to me to tell me the good news of him finally going to therapy he left that out. When I asked if the therapist knew if he had another disorder he manipulated that. He said the therapist asked if it could be anything else but it was just a brief thought. He framed it that way instead of the consistent behavioral issue it was.)

- Usually they attract drama and chaos but blame you for it as their partner (He always kept his ex around in boundary crossing ways. In hindsight I wouldn’t be surprised if he had cheated in any way with any of them because of how murky he was about spending one on one time with them. They also will always encourage you to keep other toxic people in your life so they can keep flying under the radar/blaming the other toxic people when you feel drained/etc. When I decided to go no contact with my parents, he second guessed me. When I decided to go no contact with my friends that were harmful, he second guessed me. He went out of his way to call me paranoid and picky and every other name in the book he could. Even after I broke up with him he went out of his way to tell me I was paranoid and should quit tarot reading “because [he] knew it would turn [me] against [him] one day”. I told him his opinion meant less than nothing to me.)

- Whenever you set a boundary they try to undermine it and take it as an attack (When we met, all of my ex’s small circle of friends was made up of people he had dated or slept with. Once his friend, who had flirted with him multiple times, asked to stay in his apartment while she moved out of her place. He offered her his bed. She even had a boyfriend at the time but she went to my ex first. I told him this made me very uncomfortable. He screamed and yelled about how he’ll always choose his friends first and I have to understand that and that she didn’t want to sleep in his bed while he was in it. It was crazy but the whole time he called me dramatic and made me feel insane for being so uncomfortable with it.)

- They may often act out in public over the littlest things (my ex would get absolutely infuriated when there were lines in places. Insane right? Especially living in cities? with other people? And yet whenever we went out I’d have to prepare my mental for the possibility of him getting angry and breaking down because people were waiting ahead of him in line. In hindsight the entitlement he had was overwhelming in itself. The last time we went out to a movie -which was a whole scheduling fiasco in of itself with him during our entire relationship, he was obsessed with movies. I like movies but spending 6-9 hours in a theater? Every week? On top of hours of mandatory movie viewing at home? It was exhausting. He also made me pay for my own monthly movie pass even though it was his thing. Even in covid, although I’m immunocompromised I had to negotiate with him to wait to get vaccinated before he went back to the theater. And to wear a mask in the showings. He would huff and fuss about those small courtesies the entire time. Anyway the last movie we went out to see had a long line but we bought tickets ahead of time. He pitched a fit and kept storming off away from me and threatening to leave over the line. I kept following him foolishly, and coaxed him into staying. Of course there were enough seats and of course he enjoyed the movie. He apologized after for “getting overwhelmed by the line” but that shouldn’t have happened in the first place.)

- It’s all or nothing for them but breadcrumbs for you (I’ve always been clear that I have no plans of staying in the country I’m from. From the start I’ve understood I’m not meant to stay here. And yet I stayed in a city I hated so he could suddenly finish his associates degree. We moved back to my hometown but we lived in the most stressful neighborhood because he “wanted to be downtown with a pool.” He would always complain about every single idea I had to leave the country. I’m thinking about doing a language school or artist residency? He “did long distance with [his] ex who cheated and it would be too hard”. I want to study this language and go to this -easy-place for a visa? He “kept forgetting to study and had no idea how we would ever afford the move.” And on and on it went until I simply gave up on trying to get him to step up.)

- They twist everything to be about them even grief (my grandma was like a mother to me, so it hit me hard when she died. She even told me she was going and thanked me for my friendship at the end. It was still a very difficult period and I couldn’t accept it until it just happened. When I got the call and burst into tears my ex said “I’m so sorry… do you blame me because we stayed here for me to go to school and you couldn’t be home with her?” It hadn’t even been 20 minutes since I learned she was gone. The extent of his selfishness would shock me until I cut him off.)

- They make you bury things they don’t like about your self expression/goals (I’ll use a simple example. I love fairy lights. When we met I had fairy lights and my ex had no complaints. But when we moved in together they ‘would always bother him and give him headaches’. So I took out the lights. Then he got me a glowing lamp I wanted for my birthday but never allowed me to turn it on when we were in the room. I brought the lights I love to my work and my ex would complain about them there too. He’d say he didn’t know why he “just didn’t like spending time at the studio” and then use the lights as an excuse, and then hed complain all day about how exhausting it was to be there. He’d only offer to come to the studio more if I turned them off just for him. All this time later and all of a sudden I don’t have any lights I like up. This didn’t happen for everything, but there were a lot of little things he was so controlling about just to be authoritative about something I liked.)

- They hate it when you have positive things happen to you (and instead of seeing your success as a good thing they see it as you one upping them, so they often express jealousy and then disguise it as a joke. He would “joke” about how I was going to fail so often I lost count. When I had a great day there would always be a hint of disappointment in his voice. He would always undermine it in anyway he could. “Oh you made X amount that’s nice, but that’s not enough to cover the rent”. I got a lot of compliments on my outfits, so he’d say “no one ever compliments me”. Always something to bring me down and try to get me to focus on a worry.)

- They downplay your trauma (I’m a burn survivor. My dad burned me through hot water and neglect as a baby on around 20% of my body. For that and many other reasons I became sort of a local legend for my time in our local child protective services. In a city of well over a million people. Doctors thought I wouldn’t be able to walk again and it was a miracle when I did. My grandmother had to wrap my scars everyday, twice a day for 3-4 years afterwards. She would tell me the pain would make me cry random throughout the night until I went to kindergarten. All that to say, my scars had a BIG impact on my health and my life. When I told my ex about my insecurity he said “sorry that happened, but it’s not that big of a deal.” Crazily at 21 I took that as flattery. It was not, it was severely downplaying the trauma I went through because my ex didn’t care for that part of my life. I even remember thinking I should tag a post as a burn survivor and he said “isn’t that like advertising your burns, why warn people about it?”. I got better and embraced my scars all through my own healing but damn it was all severely fucked up.)

- They usually have a Fatal Flaw they try to make you contend with (My ex had explosive anger where he would hit something (a wall, the couch, his desk, etc) or throw things at any slight provocations, and he would disguise it as a reaction of low self esteem instead. I didn’t realize how bad the conditioning had got until I broke up with him and I wasn’t getting jumpy from him coming home anymore or my dog wasn’t hiding from him anymore. I was walking on eggshells all the time and I only knew it subconsciously. He would also curse at me and call me the meanest names from the smallest arguments, he would get belittling. It’s their signature style to make you feel small and to desensitize you to truly nightmarish behavior.)

- That’s the other thing- most people and sometimes animals can tell they’re off (I would always wonder why my ex never seemed to make a good impression on others. They could tell he was off from the start.)

- They start trying to love bomb you after you give up or when they sense you are finally giving up (I always asked my ex to pay more attention to my business/endeavors/art/etc when we were together, to respond to texts I sent him at work-within reason-, to give me some support or feedback. His replies were always blasé. “That’s nice.” Or “I will.” As soon as I broke up with him. He was complaining that he always missed texting me at work. Then he started getting more involved on my social media pages. Then for the first time in months he watched my story on Instagram completely unwelcomed and unprompted. It was how fake the performance of interest was that really struck me after everything.)

- They always ask for one more chance when you’ve given them at least a hundred chances (Evem when I broke up with him he kept saying “you cut off other people (for being toxic) but I never thought it would be me!” I feel like I’ve already put plenty of examples of this, so I’ll just say this points to the fact that at their base motivation they don’t really respect you or care about you. If someone actually cares about you, they’re going to go out of their way to make you comfortable, to care about your opinions and feedback, from the very start)

- Even when it’s over, they still always try to blame you for their bad behavior. (My ex painted himself as an introvert when he was in a relationship. I had always asked him to make -newer, healthier- friends and to make a social effort. Since the beginning. After we broke up he made an effort to go out to social events. After he went out one day he came back and said “I was such a girlfriend guy, I never went out and socialized!” In turn I said you’re not a girlfriend guy you never cared about what I had to say, if you were a girlfriend guy I wouldn’t have had to break up with you for literally never taking me into account. So that ended that.)

- When it’s over the relief hits you in waves (I didn’t even realize how much I was doing to cope with the hostility and boredom of the relationship until it was over. I stopped overeating, I actually lost my appetite for days. I went from taking edibles every week to not even craving the ones I had. I wasn’t the most indulgent but I was shocked by how immediately I was fine with going cold turkey. My time with myself became even more peaceful. Even before I moved out, I was more creative and productive. I felt the beauty and the optimism of all the little moments deep in my spirit and my glow was brighter than ever before. My ex kept turning to me in despair and asking “how can you be so okay with this??” I answered him indifferently because he wasn’t worth entertaining. But obviously my spirit had been restored, I wasn’t wasting love on anyone that didn’t deserve it anymore. My energy was finally all mine. And I had faith in God that everything would be alright. And it was.)

You slowly but surely realize that you were formed to be a victim of a narcissistic/antagonistic person due to being raised by narcissistic parents and in an environment full of enabling emotionally and verbally abusive behavior. When we met I was so vulnerable. I had moved to a new city on my own, I was in a financially precarious place. The city was The Worst for Black people (tm). I was so desperate for an ally, I caught an energy vampire instead. I’ve healed and learned a lot from this. To be much more deliberate about who I let into my life. To be unafraid of purging and moving on when someone shows you they’re incapable of growth. To not accept crumbs of affection and appreciation. To pour my love into myself first before I let anyone else do the same. So I write all this to say, it’s not your fault. It’s not your fault that some people are so corrupted to the core that they’d rather destroy you than heal themselves. So… forgive yourself for this experience. Forgive yourself for being a person that just loves and cares about others. That believes in cultivating a world full of warmth and compassion. Don’t let one (or a dozen- ugh the people I’ve had to move on from oml) toxic ass person ruin you and your compassion. I had to forgive myself for believing in a lot of disappointing, inept, bad people. But I won’t stop being kind and compassionate because of those losers. I’ll continue to shine my light on those who need it whenever I’m supposed to. I mean I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to rely on anyone again without fear of their self interest but one step at a time, I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it.

Anyway, wish me luck on this fresh start. Buy a reading if you want to support me. But yeah, thanks for reading y’all.

#astro observations #astroblr #astro notes #astro community #astrology #lilith astrology #healing #karma #life lessons #false soulmate

[moremousewrites]

Alone With You

Pairing: Rolanxf!Reader

Summary: Rolan has been taking out his anger on you ever since you've arrived at the Last Light Inn. You finally get fed up and snap at him, which leads you feeling bit guilty. You try to make it up to him and let him take out his anger on you yet again

Tags: smut, PiV sex, degradation, hate sex, light angst, tail sucking, face fucking, creampie

Of all the people you could have found in the depths of the shadow cursed lands, why did it have to be Rolan. You groaned as you watched him fire off magic missles, clearly overwhelmed by the wraiths that were clawing at him. 

“Why couldn't he just stay at the Inn?” You grumbled to yourself, rubbing your hand down your face. You were in no mood to be dealing with his egotistical bullshit. You told him you would save his siblings. 

You ran down the hill, your party in tow. The look of despair on Rolan's face was hard to miss. Shadowheart made quick work of two of the wraiths and you finished the others with a few focused attacks. The fight was over in moments and Rolan approached you, fuming.

“Gods damn it all. I can do nothing right- not a damn thing!” He yelled to himself, though his ire was pointed at you. It had been all night. Ever since you stepped foot in the Last Light Inn, he'd been taking out his rage on you. You knew it was misdirected, he was scared and insecure. But your patience was running very thin.

“You shouldn't be here, Rolan” you said through gritted teeth. The tiefling had every right to be upset, but he was really grating on your nerves tonight.

“Yes, I should,” he challenged. “I came here to save Cal and Lia. Instead, I found myself in need of rescue. From you… of all bloody people” he scowled at you, referring to you as if you were the scum of the realm.

You gripped the lantern so hard you thought it might splinter. “Unbelievable. I have been nothing but nice to you, you self absorbed prick. You wanna do something for your siblings? Stop trying to get yourself killed for your ego, sober up, and pull yourself together” you chastised him, fed up with his attitude. 

Rolan looked as though he had more to say, but held his tongue and walked back in the direction to the Inn. You figured it was for the best. If he said one more thing you thought you might smack that repugnant look off his face. 

You watched him conjure a transportation spell back to the Inn. He stomped his way into the bar and the portal closed behind him. Rude he didn't offer to transport you as well but at least he was gone.

“Gods, he's a piece of work” you said, rubbing your temples from the stressful encounter. 

Shadowheart raised a brow at you. “Is that what you think of him?” She asked, in a curious manner.

You eyed her, suspiciously. “I think he's probably very scared about his siblings being captured and he's blaming me because that's something he can control right now,” you explained, not very comfortable with her tone. “I also don't care to be his stress relief. He can deal with it like a big boy or deal with it alone. It's not my problem” you were firm in your resolve. Whatever she was implying, you weren't taking the bait.

“If you're sure” Shadowheart shrugged and walked on. Of course you were sure, you just explained it to her. 

You walked the rest of the way in silence, too irritated to say anything productive. You noticed the bar at the Inn was empty. Maybe what you said to Rolan finally got through to him.

A small part of you felt bad for chewing him out and you felt you should apologize before he took off again. You asked Jaheira if she'd seen him and she shrugged. She mentioned he might have gone to a spare room but she wasn't sure. You thanked her and made your way around the Inn. After looking in some of the guest rooms  you started to think he'd gone off again. You checked the Inn more frantically, scouring every room until you found one last door. 

For some reason, you felt the urge to listen through the door. You pressed your ear against the wood and tried to silence the loud beat of your heart in your ears.

At first, you heard nothing. Then, after a few moments, you heard his voice. It was strangled, and low. Unlike how you'd heard him speak before. Almost as if it were a purr. You were so relieved to hear his voice you didn't even process what you were listening to. You immediately knocked on the door.

“Zurgan- leave me alone!” you heard him answer from the other side of the door. His voice was pitchy, like he was straining from something. 

You rolled your eyes. “Rolan, it's me, we need to talk” you placed your hand on the door handle, clicking it open.

“No! No- don't!” opening the door, you were at a loss for words. The wizard apprentice was sprawled out on the bed, shirt removed, fisting his cock with fervor. You shut the door behind you. “Gods damn it, why did it have to be you? Why is it always you?” He let go of himself, dropping his hand on the bed and giving you a stare that could cut you into pieces. 

“I'm sorry, I-” you started to apologize. 

“No, enough of your sorries! You have no respect for my life, for my privacy,  or anyone's for that matter. You just go around involving yourself wherever you think it makes you important and don't stick around to see it through” he ranted at you. You couldn't tear your eyes away from his cock. It was still fully erect. 

“I'm sorry” you walked over to him, eyes taking him in. His normally upkept hair was completely disheveled and framed his face which was glistening with sweat. He'd been fucking his hand furiously. The image it brought to your mind filled you with a heat deep inside you. 

He guffawed at you, furious. “Did you not hear a word I said? Are you dull?” he watched in awe as you sank to your knees at the side of his bed, eyes looking at him in expectation. 

Rolan sat up to face you, feet on either side of you, his cock poking at his navel. “You think I want to fuck you? After everything you've done to me?” He fisted your hair and tilted back your head. You noticed his tail was twitching excitedly. 

His eyes followed yours to his tail and he groaned. He stood, grasping your jaw so it hung open. “I'd tell you to breathe but I don't care,” he said before thrusting into your open mouth. 

Even with his big talk, he showed restraint. His hips only rutting shallow thrusts and he was clearly focused on slowing his pace. You gripped the backs of his thighs, pulling him closer. 

“You brat” he huffed, thrusting harder. A mischievous thought crossed your mind and you narrowed your eyes to look up at him. You were going to be a brat, alright. Your hand moved upwards, carefully locating the base of his tail, and you grasped it lightly.

Rolan's shocked sputtering was a satisfying result of your plotting. He pulled you off of him in a quick motion and grabbed your wrist. “What is wrong with you?!” He sounded exasperated.

“Oh you didn't like that? It kind of felt like you did when your cock was twitching in my throat” you grinned at him.

Rolan pulled you onto the bed, grunting as he did. He was deceptively strong for a wizard. You were bent forward, your ass lifted for him as your face pressed into the mattress. “Will you just shut up already?” he pulled your pants down your thighs and you felt his tail wrap around your naked thigh, firmly. 

You felt the head of his rigid cock press against your hole. You could tell you were soaked as he pressed the tip against you. Letting out a loud whine, Rolan snapped his hips, driving himself into you. “I said shut up!” He set a bruising pace, forcing you down into the mattress with his hips while a hand pressed your shoulder down. 

You could feel his infernal ridges dragging against the walls of your cunt, pulling out to slam back into you as you moaned out his name.

“The brave adventurer moaning my name like a whore. What would your friends think if they knew you were taking a foulbloods cock like a dirty slut? Fucking pathetic” he pounded into you harder, his tail flexing against your leg. 

Your back arched deeper and you rocked your hips to his thrusts. The sound of skin slapping against skin was echoing against the walls of the room, only to be quieted by your moans. 

You looked back to your thigh to see the tip of his tail was twitching frantically. He was restraining it. You reached back and stroked the tip with your thumb, eliciting a strangled moan from the tiefling. Cautiously, he unfurled it and let you take it in your grasp. You lightly ran your fingers on the edges of his tail, testing the sensitivity while he tried to compose himself. It was clear by his sporadic pace and breathy moans that his tail was incredibly sensitive. As an experiment, you ran the flat of your tongue along the tip of his tail. Rolan nearly collapsed on you.

“W-wait” he stuttered, composure lost. He'd stopped moving entirely, disappointing you.

“What's wrong?” You asked, innocently. You pressed a kiss to his tail and felt him shudder around you.

“It's too much, really. I won't last” he breathed out. 

You licked again, lighter this time, then gave a dark grin. “I don't care,” you said before stuffing the tip in your mouth, swirling your tongue around the tail and humming. 

Rolan cursed at you and lifted his leg onto the bed to fuck into you mercilessly. The unforgiving pace and intense angle was overwhelming. You were fastly approaching your climax along with him. Rolan felt as your cunt clenched around him and in an effort to bring you to completion, he brought his fingers to your clit to finish you off, making you squeal around his tail.

The combined pleasures of your orgasm and your mouth pushed him over the edge, causing him to come deep inside of you. In his exhaustion, he grabbed you and collapsed on his side, still buried in your aching cunt.

For a while, you didn't say anything. His tail had slipped out of your mouth and his spend was seeping out of you while his cock softened. But you laid still in his arms while the afterglow diminished. 

From behind you, you heard a faint sound. He was saying something so quiet you weren't sure you were supposed to hear it.

“What?” You asked, quietly. 

“I said I'm sorry” he replied. You nodded, not wanting to press on the issue. 

“It's okay. Do you want me to stay?” You asked, unsure of what he needed. 

Rolan didn't respond for a moment, ashamed to say yes. Ashamed to say he needed you again. That you really weren't the bane of his existence and that he was scared of being alone. Instead, he held you closer.

#bg3 #bg3 fanfic #bg3 fanfiction #bg3 rolan #rolan #rolan x reader #rolan x tav #holy rolan empire #rolan/tav

[speakeasier]

i want to read or at least watch this out of curiosity.

me, looking. okay, hold up why does this sketch look kind of good though. lowkey feeling myself on this even though i don't go there. sldkglsdkjg.

#like i don't know why this looks fire to me wkdnwks #like the pose i wanted was more of a side profile kind of thing but i'm like wow this turned out pretty neat??? LOLOL #i think i be lowkey feeling myself because i never erased once in this??? #not to mention this was surprisingly done in seven minutes or some shit #like the fuck #and because the only referenced i used was the official art??? and usually i take a bit to get a feel for the character but i feel i got it #right on the first try??? #LOOKS #i dunno i think her design is just...simply neat #I SHOULD BE WORKING ON OTHER THINGS BUT I DO THIS INSTEAD I HATE MYSELF LOLOL

[icewindandboringhorror]

I’m always paranoid of my tumblr being deleted or malfunctioning or something like that someday, so here’s other places to find me/follow me, just in case lol

~ instagram - https://www.instagram.com/lucalicatte/

~ main youtube - https://www.youtube.com/c/LucaLiCatte

~ games/sims youtube - https://www.youtube.com/@cloudycatte

~ facebook page (I rarely use this because I hate facebook but.. it at least allows text posts better than instagram does, so idk maybe I’d use it more if tumblr went away? lol) - https://www.facebook.com/cloudycatteart/

~ Other Links (stuff I don’t use often/isn’t Main enough to list here, like twitter, neopets, other tumblr sideblogs, youtube channels, etc.) are here - http://icewindandboringhorror.tumblr.com/otherlinks )

#An updated version of this since some of the links on the old one are no longer the same lol #I might make a website website one day (not with a custom domain since I'm not paying for that/dont have the money lol #but like a 'my name.weebly.com type thing lol) but I haven't had the time recently. If I ever get around to it I'll update the post and #reblog that version. ANYWAY.. I just like to have one of these written out to reblog every once in a while. During the once ever few months #when poeple are like 'tumblr is failing again! it wont survive!' which has happened like 80 times but I'm still always like :0c what if! #also love the ms paint art done with a mouse ghhj #ANYWAY.. also if you want to see the stinky game I made that's not actually related to my own worldbuilding really (why I have never #posted anything about it publilcy because it's like.. how do I talk about it lol) I have my itch.io linked in the 'other links' page #as well as my General Projects blog. which talks about all the ongoing and upcoming projects I want to do that are #actually set in my world and can give you previews of some of the things I'm working on. Currently resuming my Game after abandoning it #basically for the entire pandemic and a little before that - as mentioned before - so that's OUgh.. in terms of A Lot Of Work #Especially since while kind of 'revamping and updating' I want to add a few features which are mostly easy but every once in a while #I don't understand something and it's like....... hGGhh...... Ironically despite Blogging I just hate talking to people in public open foru #.. I love privacy and security lol.. and I always feel that ONE day I am going to have a question that has not already been asked on a foru #somewhere and I am going to have to post myself and.. no.. I shan't even imagine it.. It's not even really social anxiety it's just like.. #efficiency.. instead of wating like days to get an accurate response and resolve the problem with the general public I would rather just ha #e a one time 30min conversation with an expert and resolve it quickly. PLUS then I also only interact with One stranger instead of Many Of #Them lol.. any 6+ yrs of experience Ren'py experts hmu so I can pay you like $50 to have a single 45min conversation #with me over an insanely simple question and then never talk to you again until a year later when I have a second question. hhjb #ANYWAY.. I still really don't like instagram or it's layout and I never understood how it works like.. if I should be tagging photos or wha #or how you really use it and I just... euGH... stimky.. but it is one of the most popular so I feel obligated to link it. I wish facebook w #sn't such a nasty poo poo because I do actually like the variety of posts you can make and how Pages on facebook operate. In the scense of #it being similar to tumblr that you can make a VARIETy of styles of post. not just Only Post Photos or Only Short Text or Only Video which #is still like.. how the funk does sutff like that even get popular lol.. the Limited nature.. hewwo.. but alas.. and NO way I'm touching #fucking Threads please do not make an account on there and don't let your friends do it and don't let that shit catch on lol. #BUT YEahg... links...... just in case.. i hope tumblr stays aroundin it's current format forever though lol.. #I'm pretty sure even facebook doesn't have audio posts. or tags the way this does. or CHRONOLOGICAL FEED. custom html for pages.. aaaaa

[leatherbookmark]

hopping around different blogs is fun.

a post on blog 1: i find it a little weird that -- don't get me wrong, the barbie movie looks great with all the doll-like details, i bet the actors had great fun and i'd like to see it myself, but -- people are getting excited about marketing of this movie. they're acting as though mattel's 3985* deals with 837* different companies are something new, exciting and creative instead of... 3985 deals with 837 companies spanning many different areas! this movie is a commercial for a doll! isn't this kinda weird?

*numbers made up

a post on blog 2: i don't think any sane adult doesn't realize that this is a toy commercial! it's rather obvious.

a post on blog 3: boo hoo 'the barbie movie is capitalist propaganda' i don't give a SHIT marx won't fuck you. did you do this for transformers too? do you think only stupid girls who like pink need the reminder?

like, oooooh! things are happening!

#shrimp thoughts #earlier today i got into a bit of an essay reading spree (as much as my brain allowed me lol) #and it got me thinking about like... associating oneself with products/aesthetics/companies as a way of self-creation #this is me. i love [fashion brand] you won't catch me without my k*nken and here is my room in which you can see posters of [movies] #it's very... human to get excited about things and feel it more the more others get excited because. community building #at the same time i've noticed it myself that it's so much easier to label yourself a [thing] girl than to like... Look Into Yourself #who am i? what defines me? these questions are difficult because how do i know that? with what means do i obtain this knowledge? #should i create myself as i want or should i observe myself with the eyes of others instead? ...let me just say i like plants and overalls #and i feel like when someone says something you perceive as a critique of the identity slash community you associate yourself with #it's... hurtful? but at the same time. hm. i don't know actually #like chances are these posts are talking about completely different things and not vaguing each other or even similar posts #maybe posts that blog 3 vagues really were obnoxiously condescending! who knows! that being said DESPITE being a small-brained #shrimp who would honestly love to win soooo many moneys and just do whatever i want all day instead of being an Independant and Competent #Expert In My Field (this sounds scary and stressing). i still would like to avoid falling into the 'just let me ENJOY things and don't try #to make me hate femininity because it's not working! pink and shopping can be empowering' hole. #idk!! i listen to k/pop and am part magpie. i can't quite pose myself as like anti-capitalist intellectual #but i do want to achieve at least a small brain! someday!! and boy do i hope my brain energy days don't end before the books arrive;; #2am thoughts. wonder if my mother goes to sleep earlier than at 4am today because its getting annoying

[trans-estinien]

Sometimes I feel like doing this with my brain

#its 12 am and i should probably sleep instead of rambling but #man. its rough having your fav blorbo be a fucking terrible person #cause on one hand you have the villain woobifiers and people who just completely ignore major aspects of a character for a fucking ship #and on the other hand you have people who hate you for enjoying a character. and thinking said character is interesting #and yeah yeah i know not everyone will like me and i should just ignore it and keep on doing what i enjoy but. ugh. #and im also constantly worried that ill fuck up and become a villain woobifier myself #and im also constantly worried that when im writing my cannon blorbos ill fuck up and write something super ooc and people will get mad. #i think fandom was a mistake #but i also wouldn'tve met the besties without fandom so? you know. everything's got two sides #this is such a stupid thing to get all upset over but. #unfortunately i am a horrible man enjoyer this has been consistent my entire life. #and people usually dislike people who like your typical tumblr sexyman type character. which is fair most fans are insufferable #veils if you read this far this isnt abt you it's abt someone else. dont want to like start shit so i wont say names #but i saw. a vauge post from someone i thought was cool and i just. i knew it was directed towards the tags i left on their post #and i felt bad so now im having big anxiety over it. its really stupid i know #i am just going to retreat to my corner and hope to creation that im left alone. im just playing dress up with the blorbos #and like. they're entirely allowed to have their opinion im just. brain is convinced everyone hates me now for no fucking reason. #i gotta. work on this but idk how. therapy fucking failed cause i forgot about it 💀 #but. i should sleep. its past 9pm so my brain is not to be trusted. #ok fuck it ill just say it i feel guilty that Emet-Selch is not only my favorite character but also my comfort character. #im not going to stop liking him because that wouldn't be fun. plus others opinions dont really matter i can like whatever characters i want

[the-trans-dragon]

It’s fucking annoying that upper management won’t let me off light duty, but being forbidden to do my old duties and being scolded for doing any extra work sure has forced me to stop being a hardworking dedicated diligent employee.

Yesterday I made a cute little paper chain, using long strips I cut from a torn paper bag, and using some techniques I invented to hold it together without any additional materials (I’m sure my techniques are old and very simple compared to more advanced stuff, but I’m having so much fun trying to reinvent things purely by experimenting around). I threw it away in a specific place to guarantee it won’t be seen by The Manager Who Deadpan Threatens To Kill Me For Small Mistakes I Make Because I Wasn’t Ever Trained For This Job Position.

This morning I was getting ready for work and my chronic illness flared up, and I was in so much pain that I couldn’t stop my throat from trying to scream. Normally I just ignore it and go to work, even though it means risking my health and creating a small but serious possibility of ending up in emergency surgery, but today? I called in sick.

I should write my manager a thank you letter. “Thank you for saying you’d kill me if I ran out of quarters again. And for always assuring me that I’m doing everything wrong. It’s good to know I’ll never be adequate for you, because I’m finally learning to prioritize myself over everything else. I still get scolded for it, but at least I benefit from caring about myself, unlike when I care about my job and put all of my effort into doing as much work as possible.

And thank you for teaching me how to ignore the opinions of others. I never did figure out how to handle being treated worthless—I always stood up for myself, even when it meant risking my life. But I finally figured out how to say “Yes” and “Okay.” The trick is: I don’t have to mean it, just say it. It’s okay to lie to people. You taught me that if have to pick between arguing and lying, I should just lie. You always think I’m lying anyways, so I know you don’t believe it, but I guess it imitates respect enough to be satisfactory.

I realize this lesson is one that many people learn during childhood, so I hope you’ll forgive me for not knowing it in advance. Thank you for the miraculous opportunity to make up for my messy childhood.”

#sorenhoots #I’m dying #the most frustrating thing is that I have done the work necessary to understand her logic and her reasoning and to understand why she is #correct according to her logic. and I agree! she is using logic that makes her life much easier and more efficient. it’s even #something I think is smart and that I respect and that I want to change my behavior to fit with #but it takes SO MUCH effort to do that. and I can’t do it with EVERYTHING she says because half the time I don’t even know what she’s saying #telling me I’m not allowed to use the computer and then getting mad that I called for a manager instead of using the computer #I’m not allowed to ask for help but I’m not allowed to help myself. #I’m not allowed to open MSpaint while I clean lotion off the touchscreen but I’m not allowed to disable the touchscreen to clean it. #‘​you’re not allowed to look things up in the computer’ one day but the next day it’s ‘why didn’t you just look it up?’ #‘you should know what products we have’ but also ‘you can’t be in the isles on breaks. #you have to be in the break room.’ girl what. #and I am LEARNING that there isn’t a way to be a good employee for her. which I hate because I want to be good. even at silly tasks like #work. and I love following arbitrary rules even! I do nuzlocke because it’s fun to make things harder for myself for no reason. #but I can’t even do that—there isn’t a way to follow contradictory rules and I can’t keep feeling bad for that #the lesson is: just say Okay. if you want to keep doing it then learn to do it sneaky. if it’s not worth it then find something else to do. #but my brain isn’t wired for that. my brain wants to solve it like a puzzle. I want to learn and grow. but this isn’t the place to grow. #no growing allowed. youre expected to learn but you can’t learn invalid lessons that contradict each other. you’re just supposed to learn to #SEEM like you learned. you’re not allowed to ask for help or clarification. that’s disrespectful. #she is easy to respect. she’s easy to need. she does so much to make our lives better and safer. but she also just fucking #lashes. the lesson is: step away from the person lashing out. you can’t become worthy. #I am still learning the lesson.

[pepprs]

what makes me so fucking angry abt this is that she literally got covid at a PARTY. if she’d gotten it from class or work or something that would be one thing but she didn’t have to go to that party and she shouldn’t have when cases are rising and the current variant is so contagious <- literally told her “it’s ok” when she apologized to us even though it’s NOT ok

#like me and my other roomie are graduating and you going to this party means we can’t do any of the graduation stuff we were supposed to #do. like i am gonna have to do my capstone presentation which i have been preparing for and imagining for YEARS through a screen instead of #in person with all my other classmates. all because she went to a stupid party and put all of us in danger despite the rest of us taking #precautions. and my other roomie who’s a junior literally works as a caretaker and goes into ppls houses to make sure they’re supported and #stuff and this stupid party put all of those ppl at risk too. like why would you even fucking do that. just absolute selfishness #purrs #like ik I shouldn’t be blaming or shaming or anything bc of course she didn’t mean or want to get us sick. but there should be no parties #without precautions right now. especially when you know that the ppl you live with a) have other things going on and b) have anxiety abt #covid which me and my one roomie have said on multiple occasions. like wtf is wrong with you. this girl has had like FOUR legitimate scares #this year and of course this one turned out to be real and now i have to deal with even more anxiety than usual because of this stupid shit #AND i have to go through it alone bc of course this means i can’t go home or to the office or anything and im gonna miss out on so many end #of uear things. lmfao i hate this so much. like yeah she has one more semester here and wants to go party so fuck all of us i guess #also the thought that i unknowingly put all these people i care abt at risk makes me absolutely insane. i wear n95s everywhere even in the #common spaces in the apartment and im vaxxed and boosted and try to limit the in person things i do and STILL none of that is going to be #enough bc she just HAD to go to this party. it is so fucking unfair and if anyone gets sick because of me i will never forgive myself

[journeyman-tier-fibercraft]

Eight days and 100 grams of yarn later

#knitting #knitblr #wip #should I tag this with lace rot lmao the original pattern was just straight knitting but I added so much eyelet mesh for no reason #other than to torture myself I hate knitting mesh so much why did I do this #this b is. big as hell it doesn’t come across so in the photo but those are my longest needles I have #only 48 inches but that’s still like big idk math #I’m procrastiknitting this instead of a: finishing any of my other projects #and b: deciding which project I’m going to knit next #I have a lace shawl pattern picked out but can’t decide which yarn to use #and a lace curtain pattern picked out but don’t want to do the math to make sure the amount of yarn will fit my windows #so instead! I’ll work on neither project! and make this red thing!

[stuck-in-the-ghost-zone]

uh oh! worlds stupidest little guy used the wrong lotion and now everything smells like my childhood bathroom and the year is 2016 and its february which means its almost valentines day which is perhaps the most accursed date on the calendar and the year is 2016 and your least favorite little guy is in full blown survival panic mode!

#fuuuuuuuuck #head in hands #i fucking . have had perhaps the worst week ive had in years . including all my time in indy last year #i have not had a single win since . idk. last saturday maybe ? #uhhhhh i dont like springtime its the most painfully nostalgic time of year #and idk why i even have this lotion but everything is dry and itchy so i was like hey im gonna treat myself to some basic self care #and now my apartment smells like my second suicide attempt and everything is horrible actually . into the garbage with you. #im going to stick my legs into the fireplace and hopefully the smell of burning flesh will drown it out!!!!! #that is. not serious. im just like. fuck #i was supposed to go home tommorrow but yet another tragedy has struck because the universe fucking hates me #so now i domt know whether i want to or not #like. is it better to grieve alone in my apartment where i (usually) feel safe #or should i go home and be surrounded by grieving family which is. a whole other process i dont know if i want to deal with #pros. i get to see loki and i am extremely pet deprived . cons. my parents are going to ask me questions about my life #and also i have to sleep in my childhood bedroom a week away from my most mentally ill day of the damn year #ugm. um. yeah #i need to cry but i havent been able to cry in a really long time and i know it would be cathartic #but also its already 1030 pm and i cant spend two more hours having a sobbing fest because i have work in the morning #and i dont know how to make myself cry without doing things that would be even more damaging to my mental state #so instead i will stare at a wall and hope the smell goes away and try to fall asleep. i fucking guess #uhhhhhhhhhhhhhg #im holding it together by a fucking thread and boy is it fraying

[neverendingford]

.

#tag talk #got yet another “you should turn your hobbies into a business!” pitch today #like. sir I get that you think I'm really cool for making my own earrings yeah I'm super cool but still #I do not enjoy making things for other people. I enjoy making things for me. I've tried making things for other people #it's always disappointing for me. they love it. sure. but I always hate what I make. I make art for one person and it's me #I would never sell my crafts because I do not make things I don't want. I make things that are hyper specific to my tastes #I've been asked to recreate things I've made and the spark just isn't there. it's never even close to as good as the first one #I cannot motivate myself to make crafts for other people. I'll teach people how to do the thing. but I can't push myself to make it fo them #anyway would it be cool to have some extra money? sure. is it feasible to expect myself to be able to keep any kind of stock available? no #my art skill is “yeah I got possessed by my muse and churned this out overnight instead of sleeping and now I have it” #but I have to learn to not make things when I feel like I have to. I always hate the outcome. #I just wait until the mood takes me and then I create something that has life in it. I put myself into it and everyone can see that. #I get compliments because they're uniquely me. I can't recreate that on command. it either happens or not #plus I do not want to even think about setting up a new social media account and worrying about timing my work and tracking materials #just... no. I will continue to make things for me because it makes me happy. I do not wish to sell my crafts. #if it's a good craft it's a spark of inspiration. a piece of myself that I keep to remind me of who I am when I forget #anyway. I don't want to turn my hobbies into a side hustle

[dragons-and-yellow-roses]

I Fucked Up

#i was calling a friend on friday #we got to talking about the summer camp we both work at #and i knew what positions people would be offered even before offers were sent out #i mentioned that i knew where she worked and she said 'i know where im working i just dont know if im assistant director or not' #and i said that unfortunately shes not #after that the conversation kinda died and i was at work so i said bye #today she texted me that she was really upset that i just dropped that news and left #and i didnt know what she was talking about #she said the only thing she was looking forward to was being assistant director and i just dropped that news and left her as she was crying #i didnt realize she was crying! i didnt realize it had meant that much to her and it had affected her so negatively #otherwise i wouldnt have left. but i feel so bad now cuz i love her and i know shes not doing too well rn #so that was uhm not ideal #but then she texted something to the effect of #'its okay it helped me realize no matter how many people say they care ill always be alone at the end #so i should just start to be myself instead of a fake person that i hate made for other people #so uh... glad she's working on herself. not idead that this is how it happened #not great that i hurt someone i care so much about #ive been told that i dont think before i speak. perhaps this was one of those times #but goodness gracious i never thought i could fuck up this bad #i feel so bad... she gave no indication on that call that she was upset. i didnt hear her crying at all #i feel absolutely terrible and i really dont know how to fix this #she said its okay now but theres clearly a lot of negative feelings still there and trust needs to be earned back #fuck

[inkskinned]

yesterday while feverish i wrote about how boats can moor next to each other like pigeons, cooing with the gentle rap of water against their hull. you once said that that the way i see things - birds in the water, feathers in marina paint - was "childish and naive." you said i'd been misdiagnosed - "it can't all be adhd. you might be just kind of stupid and lazy."

i still do certain things like how you taught me - turn the pillow case inside out before putting it on. drive defensively. hate myself entirely.

the prompt for this poem is "mahler's fifth." i wish it wasn't, but mahler's fifth was our song. it ended up in my book. every person that knows your name has promised me they'll give you one swift rabbit punch, right to the face. dean read the book and showed up on my front porch, drenched in sweat from running the 8 miles at 4 in the morning. he was shaking. pacifist and gentle - he works with children - i'd never seen him furious. a punch isn't going to do it, he said, and then said i'm sorry. i had to come to see if you were okay.

mahler's fifth was mine first, like my girlhood. i like the way each movement piles onto the next movement, each instrument bleeding into the next. i like the horn version the best. before i met you, i danced to it on grass still-wet from sprinklers.

later you would tell me that the way you heard it was somehow better. you understood something in it that i couldn't quite wrap my fingers into. once, on our anniversary, you asked the classical music radio station to play it for us. we missed hearing it because we were fighting. one of the things people get wrong about abuse is that sometimes victims are, like, brutally aware of the stupidity of our situation. what do you mean that you thought i wasn't good enough for you? you? you're just... nothing.

sometimes people can pull the poetry out of your life. i watched my words become clothesline, and then thin out into kite twine. i watched you chew through every good syllable of me. so many good songs and places and moments were ruined. i am glad you didn't like most of my music - less to tie back to you.

but still mahler's fifth. the music swells, and i am 21 and throwing up in a bathroom on my birthday. a woman i will later refer to as lesbian jesus runs a cool hand down my back, her perfect pantsuit starch-pressed. she told me to leave you. she said - and this is true, and not an invention of rhyme or fantasy - i'm you from the future.

i am 22, and i got home from an award ceremony, and i remember you telling me - you act so proud of yourself when you're actually so fucking embarrassing. i took you to disney world. you took my virginity. i gave up visiting spain for a week with my family - i instead choose you, to spend the time just-cuddling. you called it "our fuck week." the music swells. it probably should have been a red flag that for about 3 years - i just gave up on crying. my grandfather died and you said nothing. my uncle died and you ghosted me for 3 weeks. you said i need to protect myself from your ongoing tragedy.

every so often i come back to the memory of one of our last afternoons in person. i had just told you that i wasn't going to law school, despite the free ride - i was going to join a creative writing program. master's in fine arts. i was going to finally do it - i was going to follow my dreams. this blog was already internet-famous. however reluctantly, i would occasionally refer to myself as a poet. i got into umass amherst's writing program for fiction authors. it is one of the the top 5 programs in the country.

wait are you seriously considering actually attending that? dumbfounded, you turned completely towards me in your seat. for the 3rd time in our relationship, you almost crashed the car. you actually want to be a writer?

the first time i went viral, it was for a poem i wrote about you:

he wants to say i love you but keeps it to goodnight because love will take some falling and she's afraid of heights.

every time i see that, i want to throw up. you weren't in love with me, you were in love with the control you had over me. a little truth though: i am afraid of heights. you caught a rabbitgirl and skinned her alive.

mahler's fifth still makes me sick.

give me that back. give me back music. give me back everything i had before you. give me back fearlessness. give me back bravery. give me back a scarless body.

give me back what you took from me.

#nosebleed club #sorry stephen not ur fault #just like. thinking #writeblr #spilled ink #warm up #every time nat is like - oh let me get that for u #im like .... this is a trick right like ur gonna be mean now bc u did something nice rn #so obviously if ur being nice now either u did something mean and im about to learn about it #or you're going to BE mean #or ur gonna hold this over my head forever and i'll never get a nice thing ever again? #and every time nat is like .... babe i just actually like u #lesbian jesus story is 100% real btw. she also told me not to be an event planner #literally changed the shape of my life

[comicaurora]

Have you read/watched Nimona? If so, thoughts?

The kind of emotional gutpunch I can't bear to watch without ample preparation. The first ten minutes are the hard part for me - it's always a wrench for me to get through a "good-hearted character is cruelly framed" plotline, so I really appreciate how quickly they get that out of the way and how Nimona immediately brightens the mood when she shows up.

Overall, truly one of the best examples of how a creator can use their personal grief and rage at injustice as a medium to sculpt a story. The narrative manages to feel deeply authentic to a real emotional journey while still feeling completely contained within the story. I'm not entirely sure how to put this, but sometimes when a writer gets allegorical with their experiences, it can feel like the story gets put on pause so the characters can turn out to the audience and speak in the author's voice about their thoughts on the subject - a pretty clumsy way to communicate a message. Nimona does not do that. Instead, the many real-world parallels to bigotry, propaganda, queerphobia, church corruption, xenophobia, and regressive policies driven by terror of change feel like they arise naturally from the setting within the story rather than being imposed on it from the outside, which is extremely quality writing and characterization. Nimona's story is so clearly informed by ND Stevenson's life and gender journey, but Nimona herself feels like her own person who is messy and grieving and putting up walls and self-destructing and still - still - a fundamentally joyful, gleeful person who absolutely loves being alive when she isn't being brutally beaten down for the crime of existing inconveniently.

Also, it's a comparatively minor thing, but I really like how, like with She-Ra, Nimona creates a world that is passively non-homophobic, with gay relationships front and center and evidently regarded as completely fine and not worth commenting on - which, to me at least, made both stories remarkably relaxing and comfortable to immerse myself in, because I wasn't being randomly jumpscared by reminders of real-world hate - but it still uses allegory to address the real-world roots of homophobia in the form of xenophobia, correlated injustices like classism, and the monster-ification of The Other. So it can clearly state "hating people for how they exist is Always Fucked And Wrong" without having to dunk the queer audience in the icebath of "hey remember how people in the real world think you personally should be dead?" Again, not sure I'm phrasing this super clearly, but it's a balance ND Stevenson consistently strikes with his work, and I really love how he does it.

Animation's gorgeous, voicework is consistently top-shelf, love the aesthetic of Cyberpunk Arthuriana. Wins across the board.

#asks #not aurora #media recs

[arthur-r]

call me gregor samsa cause i keep having the type of unsettling dreams to wake me up changed in my bed to a monstrous vermin

#this is vaguely a vent i am so sorry #i know i said a couple weeks ago that when i metemorphosis reference i’m like. fine. but these dreams were genuinely so unsettling #i’m always at my school building i don’t know where to go except my one teachers classroom #and every time im on the way there without fail something terrifying happens #the one i just woke up from there was a kid knocking on the windows and pointing at there was claws emerging out of the ground #like something really scary had got buried and i said out loud in my dream hey listen i’m not gonna open the door cause either this is a bad #prank or this is the start of a terrifying dream. so no thank you. but a different kid opened the door #and the monster turned out to be a wolf but it was focused on me specifically. like i managed to get away but instead of chasing the hordes #of all the other students of my school running away it chased me specifically. like dream monsters always do #i hate having enough self awareness that i knew that monster was going to be the start of a bad dream. but not enough to change anything #anyway my sixth grade teacher was also there. in the hallway when i was on the way to my other teachers classroom #hey here’s a thing that happened: my mom asked if i can stay after every monday in his room. hey here’s another thing that happened: #my parents have been fighting so much that there’s no way i’m not staying after at least that much #and i think that if all i do there is stay after then i’m great and i’m golden. problems arise when i fall asleep in his class #can’t do that if i’m not in his friggin class. and he genuinely is the kindest adult to me ever and so my feelings are forever complicated #but at the end of the day i’m having dreams where monsters chase me toward his classroom. so. let’s see if i get any other adult role models #and then i can make a priority list. anyway i have work today. killing biting. different vent post to make #anyway it should go good actually. there’s just a lot of stuff hanging over my head #but hey i am very long overdue to watch the next episode of married at first sight. so. let me remove myself from this vent and be regular #and i am sorry for venting. this was just a very hard way to wake up #me. my post. mine. #delete later #vent cw #ask to tag for anything else

[cocklessboy]

I see a lot of people saying that gender-affirming health care like top surgery for trans people like myself should be freely available (which is correct), but one of the reasons they often give is that top surgery is very safe and has a very low rate of complications compared to other surgeries. And I often see transphobes clutching their pearls over the few people who do have complications. What about them?! What if you're one of the unlucky ones?! Should we really let those transes risk it??!!!

Setting aside the fact that no one raises such concerns over other types of surgery, I'd like to use myself as an example for anyone who needs one.

In May of 2022 I had top surgery (double mastectomy). The surgery was done by a gynecological surgeon, not a plastic surgeon, because that way my insurance would cover it.

The surgeon did his job and removed the breast tissue, but he did not make it look pretty. I have dog-ears at both ends of both scars (extra bits of skin that hang off in a very unappealing fashion), my chest still looks unnaturally flat with no muscle or fat despite a lot of working out, and one of the stitches didn't heal properly and was left as an open wound through "secondary healing" for several months before it finally healed over into a very large scab (and eventually a very large scar). My nipples are uneven and irregular and look... well, just awful, really. Due to bad genetic luck, I wound up with keloid scars which, instead of getting smaller and lighter over time, have instead expanded, becoming thicker and darker. Worst of all, I now have chronic nerve pain in my chest. My GP thinks the surgeon must have hit a nerve during the procedure, and now I have random sharp pains all over my chest even now, nearly ten months later. The pain might improve with time, or it might not.

I basically had almost every possible complication one can have from this surgery short of infection or death. Some of the aesthetics might be fixable with more surgery (though plastic surgery will be expensive). Some are probably permanent. I might never feel comfortable taking my shirt off in public again. I might have to tattoo over the scars.

And pay attention to this next bit, because it's the most important part of this whole post: I do not regret the surgery. Even with all the complications and the ugly state of my chest and the pain. If someone said they could push a button and make it so that the surgery never happened and I'd have a perfect, unmarred chest with C-cup breasts again, I would tell them to take their button and fuck right off. Because even with basically the worst of all possible outcomes, that surgery was the best thing that ever happened to me.

I don't feel good about taking my shirt off in front of people now. I do think my chest is ugly. But it's a male chest now. When I put on a t-shirt, it rests flat against my chest. No one will ever mistake me for a woman again. I'll never have to wear a bra or binder ever again.

The dysphoria I felt from having breasts was so severe that a hideously scarred chest and chronic pain are vastly preferable. The euphoria I feel when I look in the mirror with a shirt on is something I never knew I was capable of feeling.

And it's my fucking body, and it's up to me what I do with it. If I wanted to tattoo myself from head to toe, or file my teeth into fangs, or have a doctor break my legs and surgically implant extensions to make me taller, that's my right because it's my body. The fact that all those things are regarded as basically acceptable (if a little weird), but I had to have a dehumanizing interview with an old cis psychiatrist who hates trans people and wants us all sterilized just to get a piece of paper giving me permission to have my tits removed, is fucking absurd.

Top surgery (of any kind) is generally very safe, and complications are rare. But even with the worst outcome, a trans person will basically never regret it.

And frankly, if a cis woman wants her tits cut off, or a cis man wants a pair of boobs to play with on his own chest, more power to them because literally who gives a fuck what people do to their own bodies? I saw a dude on TV when I was a kid who'd tattooed his whole body to look like a cat, filed his teeth into fangs, and had loads of plastic surgery to surgically implant whiskers and make his face look more feline. It was weird! But literally no one said that should be banned because he might regret it. It's his body to do whatever weird shit he wants with.

The next time someone clutches their pearls and kicks and screams about how you can't let someone permanently alter their body in a way they might regret, feel free to point to me and my complete and utter lack of regret.

(Or have a little fun with it, go hard in the other direction, and say you absolutely agree, which is why we should ban ALL non-emergency surgeries until the patient has been FULLY evaluated by three psychiatrists - along with tattoos and piercings. Oh, and ballet lessons for anyone under the age of 25, since ballet changes the structure of a child's body FOREVER.)

#transgender #transmasc #trans man #lgbtqia+ #queer #top surgery #gender dysphoria