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yjwhatif · 3 years

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With the semi/cryptic confirmation of Ed and Barts relationship in the series I have a question:

Do you think everyone knows about them (in world) or do you think they’re keeping it secret from some?

It’s just a thought that’s been in my head recently. It is most likely fuelled by the whole drama of G&B not being able to depict a “specific character” (it’s definitely Bart) as gay. They’ve had to hide the relationship from their audience - because of ridiculous reasons - but there are still moments that bring up the question - Are they? Before the reveals from AskGreg, I kinda thought- well they are clearly not together yet, but perhaps they both have feelings for one another and are just waiting for the other to make the next move because they’re nervous idiots who don’t want to have read the situation wrong — all while their friends are like - seriously guys? just get together already. Kinda like they did in s1 with Wally and Artemis - and I guess early Supermartian as well - which I would have been okay with... though with the likelihood of there being at least another two year time skip you’d probably have missed the getting together moment - which would kinda suck. Anyway. With the information about the chances being they were supposed to clearly be in a relationship throughout S3 — which makes the whole structuring of ILLUSIONS just make sense — it’s got me viewing their moments with a whole new energy. Also, I saw this post by Greg —

And let me just clarify, I have no idea if this is actually referencing the Ed and Bart stuff, it might not be (probably isn't). This is purely me speculating.

My reading of this is they got told they couldn’t depict Bart as gay pretty late on and that specifically affected ILLUSIONS where they likely intended to confirm the relationship with that first shot - the kiss on the cheek moment. Even now that moment is just odd - because it’s there but it’s not - because technically there is no actual kiss… which I think is absolutely the point. It plants the seed without actually breaking any rules - all by keeping the momentum but removing the specific kiss frame. It’s the only moment that I feel is explicit in saying they are in a relationship - everything else you can just read into and imply there’s something - but they technically don’t confirm anything.

The whole thing is actually quite interesting - despite the reasoning for it being totally ridiculous. By keeping/showing what they did... People notice it. People talk about it. People reflect on it. More people talk about it. People writing. Make. Create. Discuss it. An entire audience is formed who want and support it. It’s a whole thing now because people noticed it and generated a positive response to it - and that was before all the AskGreg information. The whole reason YJ got a season 3 is because the fans fought to get it back. Enough people talked about it - and kept talking about it - to convince TPTB that the show should come back. Greg and Brandon know this. They know the power the fans have and maybe they hoped that power would help them again in freeing Bart from these ridiculous restrictions. #letbartoutofthecloset

Obviously, we can't know until S4 is released whether G&B got the permission to confirm Bart's sexuality the way they envisioned - but maybe the responses that came during the release of 3b were enough to convince TPTB that they were fighting a losing battle. But who knows, people in power can be very stubborn at times, so we will just have to see what we get. Fingers crossed they eased up though - and not just because of the Ed/Bart relationship (which I am obviously a fan of -- it's fine if not everyone is) - but because these restrictions on LGBTQ+ content shouldn't be a thing and need to stop -- there is just no validity in them.

Anyhow. despite their not being allowed to officially confirm the relationship, Greg's comment about Ed's having a boyfriend they can't name basically confirms the fact without technically breaking any rules again. Masterfully done Wiesman. With this, it implies the pair are in fact dating during S3 which brings us back to the original question... but who knows??

With the comments of Virgil during ILLUSIONS, it's easy to assume their friends do in fact know. They also seem to have no problem being close and interacting with one another whilst in the presence of others -- that is, except for one moment...

Ever since the first time I saw this episode (ELDER WISDOM) I have always found this moment strange - because Ed seems to get kinda awkward when Barry comes to check on Bart. (Or that's how I see it at least.) He realises Flash is standing there and immediately pulls his head down averting his gaze -- almost like he doesn't want to be seen by the elder. But why? Does Barry not know about the pair -- or maybe he doesn't know about Bart and Ed thinks their current closeness is too revealing -- who's to say Bart's even fully out to the world yet -- who's to say either of them are? We certainly don't since we weren't allowed to be shown. We can't know until we know - so until then we can play the speculation game while we wait.

Bart is certainly a bit of a secret keeper when it comes to being himself. I'm still convinced the Bart we see onscreen is merely his interpretation of what he thinks people expect from a speedster in this time. We saw 'real' Bart, he was snarky and cynical and nothing like the Bart we've had for the past two seasons. He said it himself - he's playing a character - and I don't think he knows how to break out of it - not while the possibility exists that it might hurt those he's grown to care about. Bart wants to be seen a certain way to avoid acknowledging the truth of the past - if people see him as happy and smiley, then no one will question him on things he doesn't want to talk about. The problem with that is you can't hide yourself forever - cracks begin to form and eventually, the truth comes out whether you want it to or not. So who knows how comfortable Bart is revealing any of his true self to those he cares about. Maybe his relationship with Ed will be the thing that finally helps him find comfort in being himself, whilst also trusting others to still accept him as himself... and maybe getting him that bit of therapy he really needs.

This brings us to Eduardo… First, can I just say it made me so happy to see Greg’s confirmation of Ed being gay - though it is slightly annoying that he was robbed of his explicit onscreen reveal in S3 thanks to the drama with Bart. His whole relationship to his powers in S2 to S3 fits the representation of coming to terms with your sexuality/identity from a very negative point of view. Feeling like it’s something that needs fixing or needs to be “cured” - to then finding the light and freedom in accepting yourself for you. His growth between seasons is brilliant. He understands the hate and insecurity the teens are feeling because he felt it himself. He does all he can to help them because he never felt he got that help when he needed it - and no one deserves to feel worse for being who they are. Obviously, the things he talks about are framed in the context of dealing with/accepting the meta-gene - yet there are certain moments where it seems he’s saying more than that…

All of which got me wondering - why did Ed originally runaway? It certainly wasn’t because of the meta-abilities he did not yet have. All he’s ever said on the subject was he thought he wanted to be with his father - the man it seems he barely had a relationship with. No, I think Ed has been running from himself for a long time and his dad just happened to be an actual direction for him to aim for. The way he speaks about his wanting to be “cured” and “praying to get rid of his powers” suggests an upbringing around religion and traditional ideas of there being a ‘normal/proper’ way to be — while anything that doesn’t fit that way is treated as other or something that needs to be changed or 'fixed'. Maybe he ran to avoid being found out and run the risk of being ostracised by those he loved. Or maybe he was found out and leaving wasn’t entirely his choice*. If this was the case, I can certainly imagine him not wanting to come out to his dad for fear of his reaction and completely losing all chance of that father-son relationship they’re both trying so hard to keep. It can seem easier to live in secret than risk the reality of loss. So while the meta-gene likely wasn’t the main thing he was angry about in S2, it was able to become a physical thing he could blame and focus his anger on - without having to think about where his issues truly lied… Though with a bit of time it also became the thing he was comfortable conveying his feelings through...

“I’ve learned to accept, even love my meta-abilities”

I love this line so much and it’s all because of the delivery by Freddy Rodrigues. There is the slightest hint of a pause before he says “meta-abilities”, which gives the impression he was about to say something else before then remembering himself and who he was talking to. Then there’s the small inflecion he put on “love”, which makes it sound like it’s the first time he’s heard himself say the words out loud. I don’t hear him talking about the gene - I hear him talking about finally accepting himself - all of himself - for the first time in maybe ever and finally feeling happy because of it. I hear growth... From being the angry 14-year-old skater who just wanted to run away and escape any way he could. To the 16-year-old councillor/Outsider jumping straight into the danger to protect and inspire those who need it. Both he and Bart are such strong characters with so much more to be seen - especially when it comes to the insecurities which lie behind their masks. They both compliment each other pretty perfectly - both powers-wise and personality-wise - meaning while they try to hide themself from others, I don't think it'll take long for them to realise they can't hide from each other.

Anywho, that’s all the speculatary nonsense I’ve got for today. This turned into such a patchwork of vaguely linkable thoughts I’ve had which barely relate to the one I started with - but that is usually how it goes. Take it as you will…

Also, completely unrelated to YJ, but Bi Tim Drake now exists in dc canon which is really cool - seeing all of the joy it’s sparked has really given me something to smile about this week… There is hope after all. 🌈

— LB ⚡️☀️

* OK so here’s a little random snapshot into the chaos of my mind— as I was writing the Ed stuff I had a scene pop into my head of Ed finally -for whatever reason- having to tell his dad that he didn’t leave his abuelo’s home - he got kicked out. His dads confused about this and asks Why? What did you do? And Ed’s like Nothing… I didn’t do anything wrong… he just… found out something. So Seniors like Found out what Eduardo? And Ed’s getting really nervous now because he doesn’t want to say it - That I, um… I’m… Senior step a fraction closer as he picks up on Ed’s anxiety but remains an appropriate distance - Son? Then after a tensening silence he finally says it - sounding the most vulnerable he has ever been - I’m gay… The silence is there again, heavy and unnerving, neither saying a word. Ed can’t move as he’s lock in his elders unreadable glare. Expecting the worse his head drops to take in the floor - anything that isn’t the disappointment ahead - he feels the urge to disappear burning up inside him - consuming him. Then just as he’s about to escape he’s suddenly grounded by a steadying hand rooting itself on his shoulder. Tentatively he lifts his gaze to witness his father, there, with nothing but love and support in his eyes - Mijo. The clamping in his chest dissipates as all the tension escapes at once, along with the breath he hadn’t realised he was holding. Ed embraces his dad and the elder embraces his son. Together. A family.

Anyway. That’s probably a load of rubbish but hey my minds full of it… but basically I really want to see a tender moment between Ed and his dad. For whatever reason. Something where Ed’s in a vulnerable state and in need of some emotional support from his father - and without hesitation his father steps up - because that’s what we haven’t seen from them yet. It would perfectly portray the strength of their relationship as father and son - despite their previous struggles - and prove that Senior is willing to support his son no matter the situation as the father - not just the scientist. Its the final step in their healing journey and I wanna see it so bad!!

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love-for-ever-more · 6 years

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I wanna feel love: part 4

A Deacury fic

"Freddie I told you I can't" he barked.

"But, why? It isn't a big deal..I think you'll enj-" Freddie's voice was slightly louder than a whisper.

"No. Do not insist. I already told you" he cut him off.

"But, dear, you never come to-"

The sudden slam of the window interrupted Freddie's try to convince him. Greg was furious. He was ready to explode. Freddie took a minute and made the dreaded question. "Greg, are you ashamed of us? Of..me?"

Greg turned his back to Freddie and didn't answer. At least Freddie didn't hear him answer.

After that, everything seemed like a blur. Freddie couldn't remember all from Greg's outburst but he did remember him saying, at some point, that 'he was no one to be proud of' and 'that he behaved like a spoiled child, always seeking for attention'. He may also have called him 'a ridiculous fag' but he wasn't sure about that. The situation seemed so surreal but still, it felt so fucking real.

"Freddie! Freddie, it's ok" John tried to wake him up. John had heard him mumbling and sobbing, the moment he got out of his room ready to go downstairs. He rushed into Freddie's bedroom and saw that his friend was having a nightmare with his head buried deep into his pillow, sobbing and shaking all over. His tears had soaked the pillow.

"Freddie wake up, please!" John spoke a bit louder this time and gave him a small nudge on his shoulder.

He was trying to not let Freddie's state make him nervous cause he had to be the one to calm him down.

"Oh thank God.." he sighed when Freddie eventually heard his voice through his sleep and turned his head to him. "Freddie, it's ok, you're fine" John said quietly, caressing his back above the covers and taking a seat right next to him.

Freddie flickered his eyes slowly, trying to realize what was happening. He was still half asleep when he felt someone near him. Tears were dripping from his eyes as he lifted his head from the pillow and tried to focus his glance at the direction the voice was coming.

"John! Oh John!" he cried and slowly turned over to hug him.

"It's ok Freddie. You're ok now" John whispered, wrapping him in his arms. He caressed the back of his head and found him to be drenched in sweat. "I'm here" he whispered shyly and squeezed him lightly.

Freddie's sobbing eventually stopped since John kept sweet talking to him in his soothing voice and his heart found it's normal rhythm against John's arms' safety. His breath calmed down and he was able to speak a minute later.

"John" he muttered in a croaked yet frail voice "I'm so glad you're here" He was fully awake now, having regained his consciousness but he was still much shaken from that terrible dream. He was hugging John for dear life and he didn't want to let go of him.

Freddie knew that that dream wasn't actually a dream but a reminder of what had happened some days ago in reality and that it came back to haunt him even though he believed that he wouldn't be so much affected by it. Even though it happened more than five days ago. He had thought that, after being with Greg for five months now, he had got used to the way he would be treated by him. 'How stupid of me, to think something like that?' he thought. 'How could anyone accept such a behavior and be fine with it?'

John was holding him firmly in his arms, trying his best to comfort him, his hands running up and down his back.

"Freddie you're shivering... have you got a fever?" he asked gently.

"Umm I don't know..." he said hardly audible.

"Let me touch your forehead. ok?" John smiled and felt him nod against his shoulder.

He slowly let him off of his arms, still holding him with one of his hands while he gently put his other palm on Freddie's forehead. Freddie slowly closed his eyes as soon as John touched him. His lips curved in a smile watching Freddie relax at his touch. He could hardly resist the urge to kiss Freddie's cheeks. He only let himself rub his thumb tenderly over one of his eyes where his eyeliner had been smudged. It only took this little move to make John's heart beat faster as Freddie took a long and shaky breath.

Freddie felt John's touch light as a feather and cool as an autumn breeze against his hot skin and let himself indulge in this yearning for tenderness.

'Cool down mister...' John thought for himself and retired his hand from Freddie's face, biting his lip as he felt a lump in his throat.

"Mercury is on fire!" he joked as Freddie opened his eyes and smiled at him. "But let's check your temperature for sure before I give you an antipyretic. Is that ok?" he asked.

"Yeah ok" Freddie said quietly and shifted in his place.

"Ok. I'll be back in a minute with the thermometer" John flew out of the room so he could be back really quickly.

Freddie lay down again and covered his body with the blankets up until the top of his head, to block any sign of light. He delved with his hands to find his little friend who used to sleep with. He took Fluffy in his arms and let a deep sigh escape his lips. A sad look appeared on his face again, threatening to claim a permanent stay on it.

John returned shortly after he left, holding a glass of water in one hand and the thermometer along with an extra blanket on the other.

"Any better?" he asked.

Freddie slowly uncovered the one-eighth of his face. "Not really" he sniffled. He stretched his hand out and took the glass from John's hand, emptying it thirstily.

"Thirsty huh?" John whispered and handed him the thermometer. He laid the extra blanket on top of the other two, to keep him warmer.

"103 F" he announced some minutes later watching Freddie pout his lips playfully and flicker his brown puppy eyes twice to him.

He sat next to him and caressed the top of his hand, pouting back.

"You must have gotten the flu..." he mumbled "you dress pretty lightly for such a weather... yesterday it was 28 degrees and you were dressed in a light cashmere jacket..." he sighed, as Freddie didn't answer. "Anyway, did you eat anything last night?" he asked.

"Beer-s and some vodka-s" he chuckled.

John gave him a pinch on his cheek. "Gourmet cuisine?" he chuckled back. "Ok. I'll make you something to eat and then you can take a pill. Does it sound ok?"

"Mm-hmm" Freddie nodded. "It sounds perfect. Thank you Deaky" he said wearily and opened his eyes to watch John. They looked at each other for some time without speaking and John took the opportunity to caress his cheek.

"Everything's gonna be fine Freddie" he said calmly.

Freddie sighed heavily and let a single tear run down from his tired eyes to his face. John didn't break eye contact with him though he almost melts at the fragile Freddie in front of him. He leaned in and gave him a small kiss on his forehead. John felt his heart pound in his chest.. 'Oh God... I wish he knew how much I love him...' John thought. 'So vulnerable and so frail... and yet a real beast on stage... how difficult to imagine and yet how true!! I wish he knew how much he means to me... how much he makes me feel...'

Freddie kept his glance at John's too, he only closed his eyes when John wiped away his tear with a gentle brush of his finger.

"Trust me...I know it" John tried to sound assuring. "You may not see it right now but I am certain of it, Freddie"

"How do you know it?" Freddie asked.

"I know it because the brightest sun always rises after a huge storm. My dad used to tell me that when I was little. And.. I've never stopped believing it. You will shine brighter than ever. I'm sure of it"

Freddie smiled widely at John, feeling thankful to God for a friend like him. It was a blessing to have people see you in a weak and fragile state and try to make things better for you. To raise your hopes up again and push you to overcome the difficulties.

"Thank you..." he whispered as John made his way to make breakfast. "Umm.. John?"

"Yeah?" he paused near the door.

"What time will you leave today?" he asked.

"Around five in the afternoon"

"And... what time is it now?"

"It's 11:40"

"Ok thanks" he nodded.

"Ok. Stay there and I'll be up in five minutes with your breakfast and with... the guys" he smiled.

"Oh! They're still here?"

"Of course they are. They wouldn't go without making sure you're ok, would they?" he chuckled.

"I thought after yesterday's.. "

"Freddie don't be silly!" John laughed and left the room.

Despite saying that he would stay put, Freddie got up and plodded to the bathroom. He washed his hands and looked himself in the mirror.

"Oh God!" his eyes opened wide in shock. His -any other time- perfectly put on eyeliner was smudged all over his face. Not only under his eyes, but on his cheeks too. He even had a smudge on the side of this neck. "Jesus! What.. how-how didn't I think about it earlier?"

He washed his face, brushed his teeth and his hair, to look somewhat presentable. He had to make himself look at least nice even if he was feeling tired and weak. His skin was hot from the fever and the cool water on his face helped a lot.

When he returned to his room, all of the guys were there. All three boys turned smiling to him as he entered the room.

"Good morning sleeping beauty!" Roger cheered and hugged him.

"Rog.. " Freddie grinned, "if you want to enjoy your time with your little birdie in Newcastle, get away from me and my germs!" he cackled but his weariness was obvious.

"How do you feel Freddie?" Brian asked and patted the bed "Why don't you lie down?"

"Like shit... I feel like I was fucking digging all day yesterday.." Freddie sighed "and the all the week before yesterday... I already hate it" he said and sat by the end of the bed.

"You're gonna feel better tomorrow... " John patted him on the top of his head and handed him his breakfast. "Eat this and then I'll give you a pill to reduce your temperature"

Freddie gladly accepted the dish John gave him. He had made him cheese on toast and he had also toasted two extra slices of brown bread, buttered them and put cherry marmalade on them. His favorite tea was on his nightstand too.

"Johnny!" Freddie exclaimed when he saw the huge amount of food on his dish. John had taken extra care to prepare his breakfast, making a small happy face with the marmalade. "Did you make all of this for me?" he asked.

John nodded silently and gave him a shy smile. "You have to eat well, love" he said and Freddie smiled widely at John, taking a big bite of the toast. "You also have to rest and of course... no going out for a couple of days" he sounded strict.

"Oh! You know what else helps? A nice bath!" Roger added a little too enthusiastically "John could help you take a bath!" he grinned quite satisfied with his idea.

A small blush appeared on John's face but Freddie was absorbed in his breakfast that failed to notice.

"Actually Roger is right" Brian agreed and winked at him who was making signals at them to stop talking. "It will really help you, Freddie. A cool bath will be perfect" he kept on.

"Besides John has like dozens of towels he never uses. They are so soft and fluffy..you will love them!" Roger laughed.

Freddie nodded, taking a sip of his tea and giving the empty dish back to John. "Thank you Deaky" he smiled wearily and laid back in his bed, too exhausted to answer Roger.

"When are you two leaving?" he asked.

"We have to be at the station at 1:00 pm, so I guess we have to leave now." Brian said.

"But I still don't get why you have to be there too. Are you gonna have a threesome or something with that girl or what?"

Roger silently watched Brian struggle to answer as he had turned pink by Freddie's question.

"Um.. we-we are gonna talk to someone to a-arrange a couple of gigs there, too" Brian managed.

"And that's why I asked him to come with me" Roger added.

"Oh.. Nice thought guys!" Freddie smiled.

"So, we're gonna go now"

"Dr.Deacon, please take care of our little patient" Roger smirked and made John blush again.

"Take care Fred!" Brian said and waved goodbye.

"Freddie we love you!" Roger cheered and blew him a kiss. "Wow! He must really be very ill.. He didn't call any of us dear or darling!" Roger laughed and poked Brian at his side, making him jump.

"Shut up Rog! I can still kick your pretty little ass.." Freddie tried to laugh as they walked out of the room. "But.. thanks!"

"Dr.Deacon you have a hard job to do.. you have my sympathy and my love too!" Roger yelled to be clearly heard as they walked down the stairs. They all laughed but Freddie gave him his long and slender finger accompanied by a toothy "fuck off!" too.

Some minutes passed without talking. Freddie had closed his eyes and John started to slowly and quietly tidy his room. It wasn't necessary though, Freddie was doing a good job keeping it clean but it gave John the chance to stay there and keep an eye on him. Earlier, when he woke him up from his sleep it broke his heart to see him crying. He knew that Freddie was sensitive but he had never seen him cry till now.

He was standing in front of the window when he heard Freddie's voice.

"Dr Deacon.." he said, "Should I take the pill now?"

John turned his face to him and chuckled. "I think my favorite patient can have his pill now" he nodded.

"Aww am I your favorite?" Freddie winked and brought himself on his elbows.

"Definitely" John said and reached to the nightstand next to Freddie. "I haven't treated any other though but.. still you would top them all" he bantered.

Freddie thought for a second and then asked again "not even Veronica?"

John froze at the question. He had totally forgotten about Veronica. He was supposed to have brunch with her at her flat, to say goodbye to her.

"Oh God" he muttered.

"What?"

"I was supposed to meet Veronica at her place.."

"Oh John! I'm sorry.." Freddie whispered, "..you forgot because I made you my babysitter... I'm terribly sorry, dear" he frowned a little in discomfort.

"No..no it's ok. Don't worry Freddie. I'll-I'll call her to apologize"

"I'll apologize too" he said and rushed to get up.

"Dr.Deacon insists on you staying in bed" John reminded him calmly, looking him in the eye and lightly put his hand on his chest to prevent him from getting up.

He felt Freddie's shaky and swallow inhalation and suddenly embarrassment took over him for giving him an order. Even if it was as gentle as this one. He lowered his eyes to the spot where he was touching him and bit his lip.

"I'm sorry.." he mumbled and let his hand slip down feeling his fever raise.

Freddie, oblivious to John's uneasiness smiled kindly and shook his head.

"Ok darling, I'll wait here but tell her I'm sorry too. ok?"

"Yeah..sure" he sighed and took a step back from Freddie.

He had been that close to him many times but it seemed like since this morning, things started to get harder for John. What with him taking care of Freddie or what with his last night's confession to Roger and Brian.. John found it really hard to be so close to him and have to contain himself. He slowly walked back to the door.

"Maybe..I can borrow one of these soft towels of yours, once you come back?" Freddie pleaded with an innocent glance.

'Oh God..have mercy..' John's heart screamed. He could already imagine him having his towel wrapped around his angelic body and he was certain he blushed in deep red. Despite living in the same house for almost a year and having seen Freddie in boxers almost daily he still couldn't get used to it. It was too much for him to get used to it.. 'and now it'll be, for crying out loud, my fucking towel wrapped around his waist..' his lips had gone dry already.

"Sure. Yeah.. I'll get you one" he finally said after what seemed to be an hour long. "I'll help you find some clean clothes too, once I come back. Ok?"

Freddie smiled and lay back in his bed.

In spite of saying he would go and call Veronica, John went straight to his room. He opened his drawers and started looking for the fluffiest towel for Freddie. He then went to the bathroom and prepared the shower for Freddie. Then, he returned to his room forgetting completely about Veronica, again.

"Everything's ok?" Freddie asked.

"Yeah" he smiled. "You can have a bath now if you wish, I prepared it for you. I left you a bathrobe there too and I'll find you something to wear when you come back"

"Thank you darling! You're always so kind.." Freddie chanted and happily got out of bed. "Veronica is lucky to have you" he smiled.

He was already feeling better, emotionally at least cause physically he still felt exhausted. But he wasn't sure if he had gotten a cold. Maybe it was his body telling him to slow down everything that made him feel stressed and anxious.

In his attempt to make Freddie feel better, John started changing his bed sheets. Halfway he stopped and lay down on Freddie's bed. His aroma was spread on the covers. The distinctive scent of cherry blossoms was John's favorite, among Freddie's body lotions. He touched his pillow and then he buried his head in it, to take in Freddie's smell as best as he could. He laughed doing so cause he had never done something like that before.. He got up just in time when Freddie entered the room.

"Deakyyy don't bother dear!" he said and reached out to help.

"No no no.." he laughed and caught him gently by his wrists. You sit on the chair for a minute and I'll have it ready for you.. feeling better?" he smiled and his eyes traveled down Freddie's body. He instinctively gazed at his gorgeous body.. It was emitting a scent that made John's heart pound in his chest.. He timidly removed his hands fromFreddie's wrists as he heard him speak.

"Mmm much better.." Freddie sighed sitting down. "You are so nice to me.. Why are you so nice to me?" he asked quietly.

"Because.." John mumbled " you're my friend and.. and I care for you"

"I've been nothing but a pain in the ass lately..but still, you take care of me" he said, looking at the floor and felt his eyes sting.

"We all have hard times, Freddie. It's only human and it's completely understandable"

"No it isn't...if you knew, you wouldn't think like that Johnny" he sniffled and wiped his eyes in his sleeve.

"Why wouldn't I?"

"Because...it's... it's complicated" he sighed, defeated and got up. He touched the clean sheets on his bed and took a deep breath. "I can't control it and I can't change it, Deaks" he rested his head in his hands.

"What can't you change?"

"Who.. who I am. I can't change it"

"Why would you ever want to change who you are Freddie?" John asked trying to understand.

"You don't understand Deaky.. you think.. you think you know me but.." the tears he was holding back were now running down his cheeks.

He was burning from fever, he was crying in front of his friend and he was feeling so weak.

"Let it all out, Freddie" John whispered and squatted in front of him. He gently placed his hands on his shoulders "you are not alone.. you can tell me everything.. anytime you want.. I.." he paused, 'I love you' he wanted to say "..I am here for you" he spoke instead and took Freddie's hands in his.

Freddie lifted his head to look at him. It felt so good to hear that. To hear that despite his tantrums and his lately bad-tempered manners, he had people who actually cared about him and not only put up with him..A glimpse of joy dimly appeared in them. He leaned to John, their hands were still entangled together. His cheeks were burning and he felt a bit dizzy. He rested his head on John's crook near his neck.. his lips were lightly touching John's blushing flesh.

"John.." he cooed and felt his fingers caress his hair and brush the back of his neck. Freddie felt safe in there. He closed his eyes, relaxed his breath and the only sound heard was his soft but totally contented purr.

John stayed silent listening to Freddie's low and melodic sound of contentment coming from deep within him, slowly beginning to grow... building slowly with each passing moment. Freddie's calmed heartbeat against his chest in contrast with his own frantic heartbeat that was screaming his love for him.. was soothing.

Pure delight, for having the man who had captured his heart since their very first encounter, nestled down in his arms and heavy sorrow for having him endure so much emotional distress and sadness were battling inside of him.

Silent tears rolled down his eyes, his internal turmoil threatening to reveal itself but John didn't feel scared, anymore. He didn't want to scare Freddie either by expressing his feelings out of the blue and in such a hard time period for him but he felt like he was ready to make some baby steps to confessing his feelings to him. And that was enough for now.

#deacury #queenfic #freddie mercury #john deacon #fluff #my first fanfic #queen band #queen

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