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chenfordsbby · 1 year

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"The Pilot"

Welome to the very first drop of "Get in the Shop" !

Welcome to the start of “Get in The Shop!” The Rookie Re-Watch Blog! I am not sure how I plan on going about doing this blog, but there is no time like the present to start. I have to warn that this is one of those figure out as I go type of ordeals; I have never done this before and I did brief research about the “dos and donts” of blogging, especially one of a tv show recap so I truly am just going to go with the flow. I think I am going to post a new blog drop every Sunday and if I have any extra time during the week, maybe a Tuesday?!

If I try one thing and it doesn’t work, I will move and and try the next best thing with the end goal of having the best blogging/re-watch system that I can create for myself. I am not an expert in any way. This blog is solely a fan based one that I am choosing to do for my own mental health to get me, myself and I through whoever long this summer (plus) hiatus may last and if I happen to find friends along the way that will read my thoughts and interact with me then I couldn’t ask for anything better!

I think I will take notes as I watch the episode and then immediately following it, I will expand on those notes or should I watch the episode in its entirety in full and then type up everything I want to say about said episodes…

I want to preface the beginning of my re-watch by saying that I had no idea that this show even existed prior to me finding it on Tik Tok. I saw a #Chenford scene from Season 5 Episode ! That was blowing up on TikTok and I immediately started watching it so I can obsessed over a new OTP without realizing Tim & Lucy weren’t even a though until Season 5. So I did start it because of them but stayed because of how much I love this show.

I am going to try my best to do this re-watch as if I don’t know anything that is to come in later episodes/seasons but I make no definitely promises!!

Let’s get into it!!!

Season 1 Episode 1:

Title: “The Pilot” Original Air Date: October 15th, 2018

Synopsis: After a life altering incident, a small town guy (Nathan Fillion) peruses his dream of being a police officer.

First Impression of John Nolan: Eager

First Impression of Jackson West: Naive

First impression on Angela Lopez: Badass

First Impression on Talia Bishop: Out of Place

First Impression on Lucy Chen: Hotshot

First Impression on Tim Bradford: Hot! #IYKYK

First Impression on Wade Grey: Seasoned

First Impression on Zoe Anderson: Authoritative

The episode begins with a bank robbery. Which is fitting given there needs to be something to correlate this show with the premise of it: “A Silly Little Cop Show”. John Nolan was definitely at the right place at the right time. Without knowing he goes on to become a cop after the bank robbery- you can tell that John has a passion for helping people. You have to want to help people in some capacity in wanting to become a police officer right?

The very first showing of The Rookie theme song. It is a not even 10 second snippet of a full length song but man does it work. It works so good that I am glad they never got rid of it. There were shows that I watched in the past who had a whole opening credit scene/song which eventually faded out for it to just be a title card of the show (One Tree Hill I’m looking at you) so for The Rookie to have just ended its 5th season and to still have the little opening credit is cool!

After the cold open, the timeline jumps to “Nine Months Later”. The first day on the real job. No more training wheels, no more tests (so Lucy Chen thinks), no more papers and skills labs. The beginning of the rest of their lives.

The introduction of Lucy Chen. She isn’t even clocked in for her first day of work and she already makes an arrest. Way too cool for us or way too over eager to make a lasting first impression to everyone at the station? Only time will tell. But do you know what did make a great first impression? Her car! Let’s hope this isn’t the last we see of that thing!

I know we are focusing on the present but it doesn’t mean I can’t wish that we saw any kind of flashbacks of the time that not only John but Lucy and Jackson were in the academy. How did they get there? How did they excel or did they fail? What happened in the academy that John, Lucy and Jackson all became friends?! It would’ve been cool to see!

Enter the infamous roll call room and the immediate jokes of John Nolans’ age. I really have no background regarding anything police related but I am assuming that someone of John’s age normally isn’t a rookie cop. More so of the age of Lucy and Jackson. So I don’t think this will be the last we hear of any ageist jokes of John Nolan and being a Rookie. You can tell it is all in good fun and John takes it in stride. We all love our enemies to lovers storylines, but will there be an enemies to friendship between John and Wade Grey? This first episode shows no, but only time will tell. We all have to be forever grateful to Watch Commander Wade Grey for playing the “Training Officer Match Game” and matching up rookie Lucy Chen with Training Officer Tim Bradford. (Thank you writers!)

The very first day gets off to a start. The T.O’s teaching all of their boots the basics of the shop. The ins and outs of the shop, what to do every morning, before going out on patrol to start your shift. The basics and less than exciting aspect of being a cop.

Tim and Lucy. Or what we only knew then: Officer Bradford and Boot.” Lucy had no idea what to expect, not form her first day on the job and certainly not from her T.O. I think she immediately wanted to try to create some sort of bond/friendship with Tim but quickly realized that went out the window when he did his very first, what we all have come to learn and love, “Tim Test”. “I’ve been shot! Where are you boot? I’m bleeding to death and you have to call for help. Where are you?” We will get back to that later on..

Side Note: I am trying very hard to pretend I have never seen any other episode besides this first one. It is hard to compare Tim and Lucy then with what we know about their relationship now and just how their friendship progressed. I want to recap the episodes as if I was watching it for the ver first time. It is hard but I ma going to do it!!!

Food Trucks! I never eat at food trucks much but do they officers of Mid-Wilshire make me want too! The scene at the food truck was a nice way to show the two separate trios separately but together. You have the experienced, veteran officers: Tim, Talia and Angela and then you have the brand new rookie officers: John, Lucy and Jackson. It’s smart TV. Yes this show is about John Nolan but it’s also about so, so much more.

You quickly start to see how much John cares about wanting to be a cop but in hindsight really has no idea just how to be one. He thinks he does, mainly because of his age, but he doesn’t, not really. All he knows is the 9 months he was in the academy. That’s it and it is evident the amount of training that he does need. He hopes he’s doing all the right things in order to succeed but in reality he is not: Using the baton to try to break the car window repeatedly even though it didn’t work the first few times; not putting on his gloves when going to help the husband of the domestic violence call- Blood Bourne Pathogens anyone? Throughout this whole episode you quickly see how eager John is to be “a cop” but not HOW to be a cop. One thing is for sure is that John knows his way with words. The potential is there- it just needs to be taught.

The comedic relief of this show is introduced and it is much appreciated. “I just got a disturbing video. I’ve never seen anything so horrific..so prepare yourselves” said one Grey Wade and turns out it was the body cam footage of John trying to hop the fence. There needs to be some light hearted fun in a profession where it can be serious most of the time!

I am immediately intrigued by this already established friendship between Lucy Chen, Jackson West and John Nolan. We already saw them interact in their work life so now we see them interacting in their personal lives. It is a nice storytelling aspect of this episode. The premise of the show is about the lives of newbie police officers but what happens after they clock out for their shift? And now we get to see it! The karaoke bar cuts right into the morning after where they make us want to believe John called the badge bunny and they spent the night together but SURPRISE! John wakes up to Lucy Chen!

(Please don’t hate me for what I am about to say)

The first time I watched this- I have to say I wasn’t turned off entirely by the brief relationship of John and Lucy. (Considering at this time, the romantic side of Tim and Lucy wasn’t even a thought, to anyone and that John really had better chemistry with literally anyone else). I am not opposed to have seen this relationship continue for a bit longer, if this was the only romantic option for either Lucy or John, I think I would have been okay with this relationship, I think it had potential. John wants their relationship to become public and Lucy doesn’t. Lucy has every right to feel those feelings. Lucy knew from the start that no matter what she did in her career she would always have to fight for her place in the force where John would never be questioned twice for it and rightfully so: sexism. Talia seeing that little moment between Lucy and John at the end of the episode after the shoot out was on purpose. It just confirmed to Lucy that she was correct in her feelings and reasonings as to why she wanted her and Johns relationship to remain a secret.

It’s only the second day on the job and we already start to see Lucy’s frustration with Tim. She quickly sees that Tim’s training methods are not conventional. I don’t think we know that they are called Tim Tests yet, but outside of the liquor store, we witness Tim Test #2 and as Lucy is cuffing Ghost Head we meet an Isabel. The Tim we saw is gone. The second he lays eyes on Isabel he becomes a shell of a person. The tears well up in his eyes and his voice cracks. He is no longer Officer Bradford, he is just Tim Bradford; a man that is desperate for his wife who he hasn’t seen in over a year. That does something to a person and Tim hides it well. Does Isabel recognize him at first? It’s hard to say but what is clear is that Tim is helpless when it comes to her. I mean wouldn’t anyone who hasn��t seen their WIFE in over a year be, no matter what their profession is. He does exactly what she asked him to do: give her money even though its the last thing he wanted to do. The quick glance back to Lucy? What does that mean?

You can’t have a cop show without actual action scenes right?! And this one literally started with a bang!

I never expected Tim to get shot at in the very first episode but it was smart storytelling. Tim’s first “Tim Test” paid off well because there was zero hesitation when Lucy called in Tim being shot. She knew what to say and how to say it and she did it with fierce conviction. It’s only been two days but Tim knew what he was doing when that first test was executed.

We didn’t see much of Jackson or Angela this episode in the field until the very end. And what a way to end this episode for Jackson, which left us all scratching our heads at the cliffhanger question: Why did Jackson freeze up in the middle of the field? We can’t get all of the answers in the first episode and the confrontation between him and Angela in the locker room was a nice segue to what’s to come for them. Not only for them but for the rest of the ensemble! It was a stellar first episode of the start of an amazing series!

At the end of every recap I am going to do an honorable mention that I did not discuss at all in my above rant as well an episode “peak” the high point of the episode, what made the episode great among other things and a “pit” the low point of the episode, something we could’ve done without and just a few random thoughts I need to get off my chest!!

Honorable Mention: The long sleeve uniforms!

Episode Peak: The introduction of “Boot”

Episode Pit: John Nolan’s Hair

Episode Rating: 10/10 (It was the Pilot Episode I would be a troll if I rated it any less!)

Random Thoughts:

I have never heard of Melissa O'Neil until I watched this show and it's safe to say my life is changed for the better now that I know that precious of a human exists. She was made a lasting imprint on my life in the best way possible. I will be a forever fan of hers.

Eric Winter ages life fineeeeeee wineeeeeee

I would love for these posts to be an open dialogue! I want to connect with other fans and hear your thoughts and opinions! What do you agree with? What do you disagree with?! Is there anything I should change for my future blogs? I want this to be not only a fun hiatus but a fun thing for all of us to do together!

Until next time on “Get in The Shop”!

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cacaocheri · 7 months

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this was supposed to be one drawing!! ONE DRAWING!!!!!!!!! but every time i draw them i can't stop i need to keep going

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aesthetic-gem · 2 months

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the intense narrative foiling between the death of q!tubbo and the death of q!badboyhalo.

q!tubbo’s death felt like it happened so suddenly. many of those around him didn’t even believe it was real. one second he was playing around and then for a brief instant he begged for his life and then he was gone.

q!bbh’s death felt very slow. that he himself was stretching it out for as long as possible. there was time for him to prepare and for others to realize. to have the terrible feeling of grieving someone while they’re still alive.

and that’s not to say that q!tubbo’s death was random and out of nowhere because it wasn’t. similar to q!bbh, you could see his slow path to self destruction for months. but once again, those two were foils to one another.

q!tubbo was not one to hide it. the way he would say that he wouldn’t shower or change his clothes for brief periods of time. that he would willingly let himself get hurt without a care in the world. the thought that no one would take him seriously about things and he had said that thought out loud before. he spent his last moments gambling his own life away.

q!bbh would always try to hide it. although the evidence was clearly on his face and back, he would deny deny deny until those last final days. and even then it was only to those he trusted. he let himself get hurt by the soul vultures in his own home away from everyone else. he spent his last moments alone, panicking over old memories that still hurt him.

in the end, their commonality lays in that the kids were always the first ones to realize something was wrong. that they could see that the decline was slow but meaningful to them. the two soulhunters, bound together by fighting so fiercely to protect those who were not even their own, although it led to their deaths. the realm of the living waits for their returns and misses them in the shape of eggs

#i love soulhunters solely bc (and i will repeat this for the millionth time) they are so the same and different at the same time #those two couldn’t even stop being different enough where they died within days of each other /j #but jokes aside #they are creating such beautiful personal narratives for their characters and i have come to love how they intersect #those two might not always get along but i hope they see how they always have each others backs regardless #if any tubbling wants to correct me on anything ily #tubblings have been so lovely to the ghosties recently so this one goes out to your cubito too 👉👈#appreciate you coach #qsmp #q!badboyhalo #q!bbh #badboyhalo #q!tubbo #tubbo #soulhunters #qsmp analysis #qsmp character analysis

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ratuszarsenal · 4 months

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very funny to me that every polish person who watched 1670 on here is writing posts begging non-polish people to watch it. including me.

#the translation in subtitles is genuinely good I specifically paid attention to see what it's like #adding this in tags because I don't want the post to come off as bitter:#you see posts along the lines of 'we Need more non-western period dramas' or 'enough with the british and french people in period films'#but when we actually get those no one is watching <3 #I'm not upset about that it's just very funny to me. RIP 1670 I don't have high hopes for your foreign reception #1670 #echo

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bizarrelittlemew · 2 months

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i was hoping to make a post like this under happier circumstances, but here goes.

as some of you know, everything with the cancellation and renewal campaign has happened right on top of the worst part of my mom's cancer treatment (plus the show was cancelled on my actual birthday 💀). i won't go into details, but it's been tough. lots of ups and downs, mostly downs, luckily ending (for now) on as much of an up as circumstances allow. the whole thing has been weirdly tied to the cancellation for me, kind of amplifying every feeling. the grief got mixed up, and there was so much of it - mourning the loss of the kind of future i thought i'd have with my mother and the time we might not get, mourning the end of a show that means so much to me and is such a big part of my life. different types of grief, sure, and of different magnitudes, but in one big ugly swirl. i sort of had a breakdown right at the start of february, and it was because of news about my mom, but it morphed into my brain telling me everything i'd ever written was shit and wanting to delete it all. stuff like that, spilling over.

anyway. i was holding off on writing this post to see if the show got picked up by someone else. but i still want to say it. because what also spilled over was the support and community from this fandom, and being in this space (despite the rough times and high emotions) helped me through it, because of all of you here. whether we talk regularly, or you left a comforting reply or simply a like on one of my posts about having a hard time (i tried to keep them few), or wrote a nice comment on a fic, or said something funny or nice or insightful in the tags of a gifset, or was active here (or on twt) in any way, talking/sharing/creating stuff about the show - THANK YOU.

you all helped me through all the ups and downs, and i am so grateful. thank you for being here, listening, distracting, helping me feel some joy despite the horrors. i love you and i love this incredible show and all it has brought and will continue to bring and inspire, and although it should go without saying, i'm not going anywhere. just do me a favor and give yourself a big ol' hug from me, and know that you made a difference for some random guy on the internet (but in reality for many more, and for this fandom as a whole, just by being here and being you) 💕

#🐭📓#oh wow this got long #i grieved so much in january and never truly got my hopes up even though i of course wished something would happen #that the second “cancellation” message did not hit me as hard as it did for others - like i'd already absorbed that reality #but no matter what. all the effort was worth it - even for just the slightest chance of renewal and showing the cast and crew all the love #and seeing the fandom rally and all the fun moments we found along the way in a shitty situation none of us wished to be in #and for the record - i don't think this means there is no possibility of anything happening in the future #i just think the current/immediate negotiations fell through due to the current streaming landscape #you never know what can happen even if nothing happens for years #it's just that it's not happening right now and we shouldn't be at the edge of our seats. but instead settle into long term fandom mode #instead of constant campaign mode. keep showing all our love for the show and letting it inspire us and move us #and keep supporting the cast and crew in their next works #there is so much more to come from the same creative minds #and i for one am looking forward to experiencing it with you all 💗#ok i will stop rambling now skdjfhdjks

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viperwhispered · 19 days

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Too Hard

Woop part 2 of the trip inside Jamil's head. Part 1 here.

The next time Jamil caught sight of you on campus, his first instinct was to turn around on his heel.

What a stupid thought to have because of you.

Besides, that would only make him more conspicuous, not less.

So, when your eyes met his, Jamil gave you a short nod in greeting. He would’ve left it at that and kept on his way, had you not walked up to him.

“Hi Jamil! How’s it going?” you said with that impossibly disarming smile of yours.

Why was it so difficult to look at you like he normally would? You had no right to make him feel so stiff, so unnatural.

On autopilot, Jamil exchanged a few pleasantries with you - those lessons from his parents had been instilled too deep in him for him to falter too badly in a simple exchange such as this. Still, Jamil quickly excused himself by telling you he still had to find Kalim before his next class.

Jamil didn’t miss the way your smile faltered. Had you hoped to get something out of him?

“Oh, okay. I’ll see you two later, then.”

Something about that irked him, though Jamil did not allow himself to dwell on it further.

His heart really had no business still racing as it did when he walked away, unaware of the frown on his face.

Just act normal. That’s all he needed to do.

After all, he had no time for dwelling in silly fancies.

If Jamil had been acutely aware of you before, it only seemed to worsen now that he was making a conscious effort to not act any differently with you. In fact, the harder he tried to keep you out, the more you invaded his thoughts, unsettling him.

The most innocuous words from you looped in his mind, and even the simplest actions caught his eye. For goodness's sake, he’d found himself staring at you while you were queueing up in the cafeteria the other day, not even doing anything other than standing around and looking bored!

For once, Jamil found himself grateful for all his duties. At least they provided him with something else to occupy himself with.

After all, if he was busy enough, it was difficult to think about those bright eyes of yours, your sweet laugh, or the way you bit your lip while thinking.

Still, sometimes it felt like no matter which way he turned, you were there, ready to throw him off-kilter. Not like it was his fault that often the most convenient route to class intersected with your daily routines. Or that your face seemed to jump out from any crowd, catching his attention.

Which certainly did not help his basketball performance. Jamil certainly did not recall you having such an interest in sports before, yet suddenly you were always there, distracting him. What had changed?

Could you possibly-

Jamil scoffed to himself, forcing his thoughts back on track for the nth time that day.

He picked up the tray of food and started taking it to Kalim. After dinner, he’d need to help Kalim with his homework, there were some housewarden tasks that would need dealing with, not to mention the preparations for the next-

Jamil froze in his tracks.

The voice he heard was quiet, but it was unmistakably you.

Really, it should not have come as such a surprise to him. You had become a rather frequent visitor to Scarabia, and Kalim often invited you to stay for meals. In fact, Jamil had started planning the dorm’s meal prep with your tastes and dietary restrictions in mind, just in case.

Jamil rounded the corner with strange exhilaration, his heart fluttering needlessly.

Yet, his mood evaporated when he saw you.

Why did you stop talking and look so guilty as soon as you caught sight of Jamil?

Jamil knew that look you gave to Kalim, had used it himself a thousand times. The one telling Kalim to keep quiet about something.

What could there possibly be that you would be comfortable sharing with Kalim, but not with him? That would give Kalim reason to sit so close to you, a comforting hand on your shoulder?

Jamil's mind raced with possibilities, yet could not settle for any single explanation.

He’d have to ask Kalim about it later.

Jamil gave you a short, polite greeting, his eyes lingering on you in an attempt to read what you were hiding.

“If I’d known you were coming over, I would’ve prepared something for you to eat as well,” Jamil said, already thinking about which parts of the dorm’s dinner to spruce up for you.

“Oh, no need, just figured I’d pop by. I’ll get out of your hair soon enough,” you said, something sheepish about your expression.

As expected, Kalim asked you to stay and dine with them, and with just a bit more persuasion you agreed - though not before telling Jamil that he should join you too and have himself a breather.

And since Kalim agreed with you, Jamil soon found himself sharing a meal with you and Kalim. Yet, even as he sat down with the food, his mind raced.

Had you been getting particularly close to Kalim lately? But surely Jamil would’ve noticed such a thing. Maybe someone from the dorm had been giving you trouble? But if that was the case, then surely you could let Jamil know about it, too. Unless for some reason you did not want to? But if it was something that concerned Kalim, then sooner or later it was bound to concern Jamil, too.

All the while, Kalim was talking to you about this and that, the latest topic being the animals kept on the Asim estate.

“I’ve got some pictures, let me show you!” Kalim said with an excited grin.

Only, a thorough patting of his pockets and a look around confirmed that Kalim’s phone was nowhere to be seen.

Jamil pinched the bridge of his nose. Where had Kalim left it this time?

Before Jamil even had the chance to say that he would handle it, Kalim sprinted off. Jamil hesitated for a moment, automatically halfway up from his seat, before he decided that leaving a guest unattended would be a worse offense than not helping out his master.

Jamil slumped back down with a sigh, mentally tracing the path Kalim took today, trying to recall the last time he saw Kalim handle his phone.

“Breathe. He’ll manage,” you said. There was the faintest of smiles on your lips, and Jamil could not decide if it was knowing or amused. Perhaps both.

Somehow, despite his frustration, Jamil’s own lips wanted to curl up too.

“Hmm. Maybe he will.”

Sure, Jamil could’ve called Kalim’s phone, to make it easier to find, but it was not that urgent, was it?

Jamil took another bite of his food, keeping an eye on you from the corner of his eye.

How was his mind so empty and so buzzing at the same time?

“You know-”

“So-”

You looked at each other, both just as surprised that the other had spoken up at the same time.

Even your surprised look was so-

“You first,” Jamil said. The way you bit your lip... Jamil had to raise a cup to his lips, slowly sipping his drink.

“Just… Feels like it’s been quite a while since I’ve seen you be still, you know. Or exchanged more than two words with you,” you said. You were attempting a light, joking tone, yet it was quite clear there was more to it.

“You say that like it would be unusual for me to be busy.”

He was not prepared for the way your soft sigh tugged at his heartstrings.

“No. It is not.”

You were both quiet after, poking at your meals. Normally, Jamil would’ve cherished such a moment of peace, yet this particular silence between you two was decidedly awkward.

Where was your usual chatter? Why weren’t you looking at him like you usually did?

“If you’re worried about me, don’t. I’m fine,” Jamil said, some softness creeping into his tone despite his best intentions.

“That's what Kalim said too,” you said. Yet the way you looked at Jamil made it clear you were still skeptical.

Wait.

Had you clammed up earlier because it had been Jamil you had been talking about with Kalim? That Kalim had comforted you about?

The thought twisted his stomach into knots.

Hasdhfsdf the way I fought with that last scene I swear. I don't even want to know how many versions I went through, trying to figure out how to say what I wanted without rubbing it into your face or making it too veiled. The joys of trying to convey things through a limited pov. Hopefully it came out reasonably balanced in the end. Rip to all those sentences that were lovely on their own but didn’t work for the whole. Hopefully I can rehome y’all one day. I do have thoughts for part 3 and part x (might be some chapters between those two as well, who knows at this point), so maybe we'll see those at some point, too. Tag list: @colliope @crystallizsch @diodellet @jamilsimpno69 @jamilvapologist @twstgo If you'd like to be tagged for future works, let me know! (Just be aware that sometimes I do also write nsfw, though you can certainly ask to be tagged only for particular kinds of works.)

#twisted wonderland #jamil viper #twisted wonderland x reader #jamil viper x reader #ner writes #jamil definitely knows how to deal with his feels #also writing this is making me wonder how aware jamil is of his inner versus outer life #like he’s very aware of how he comes across because that’s what he’s been told to watch out for #but how well has he truly learned to understand himself and his own feelings wants etc?#(I mean as you can tell I’m assuming not very well)#originally this went to more of a “jamil hears just the wrong part of the conversation” route but #a) I kinda hate that trope especially when it’s dragged on beyond belief and #b) Kalim maybe doesn’t want to spill anyone’s secrets but he really is such an open book especially with Jamil so #also it’s not like jamil needs the extra help to catastrophize he already does that well enough on his own 🙃#tho then I went a little too far in the other direction and had to pull back #but let's just hope I didn't edit this to death by now #also also: since I seem to have a bit of a naming theme going on for this series #if I were to be the sort to go for the angst route what part would definitely be titled Too Late or something along those lines #also x3 but loved folks commenting on that part about reader being inoffensive in the first part #I certainly had fun writing that line #(and in general extra love to everyone who leaves comments on tags replies wherever always great to read those)#(and in general chat with y'all)

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swordheld · 6 months

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hi! your blog is one of my favourites and i absolutely adore reading your thoughts. my grandfather recently passed away and it feels like i lost myself with him. how do i continue living after this? there is this constant weight on my chest and it feels like an emptiness has made a home inside of me. how do i go on when it feels like the world crashed on my shoulders?

hello, love! this is so very sweet and kind of you, and i hope you're treating yourself gently and kindly right now - there aren't words for a loss like this. that heaviness is difficult, and hard, and painful. it's okay if things don't feel okay, right now, or even soon - i think that's something that a lot of the people i know that have gone through similar grief feel: like they should be able to get back to a relative 'normal' in a [insert far too short period of time].

but it's okay if it hurts. that's where i'd like to start. you're allowed to feel that emptiness, that world-crashed feeling that goes beyond words, beyond time. don't feel like you have to rush this to feel some sort of better. things get easier with time, i promise you this, but sometimes painful feelings are important to feel, too. cry, scream, feel your emotions. they're a part of you. grieve.

it's perhaps a little silly, but when i think about death i always think about a couple of space songs: mainly drops of jupiter by train and saturn by sleeping at last. there are perhaps others that speak to the emotions better, but these two have always hit something a little deeper for me, and are popular for a wide-reaching reason.

and while personally i don't know much about grief like this, i do know a lot about love; and i think they're a lot of the same thing.

the people we love are a part of us, and this is why it takes from us so deeply when we lose them, because it does feel like we've lost a part of ourselves in the wake of it. but it's because they were so central to our experiences of living - our lives, that the separation introduces a hollowness - a place where they used to be. a home that now goes unlived in.

an emptiness, like you said.

but just because they're not here physically, doesn't mean he's not still there, in your heart, in your life, your memory. you can hold him close in smaller ways, as well: steal a sweater, or cologne/scent for something a little more physical and long lasting for remembering. hold onto the memories you cherish, the things that made you laugh, the ease of slow mornings and gentle nights. write them all down, slide a few photographs in there, go through it and add more when you miss him. keep them all close, keep them in your heart.

you're not alone, in this. he's still there, with you, it's just - in the little things.

he's with you in the way you see and go about your daily life, in doing what he liked to do, in the ways he interacted with the world that you shared with him. the memories you recall fondly when the night is late or the moment is right and something calls it into you like a melody, an old bell, laughter you'd recognize anywhere.

but i think, perhaps most importantly above all others - talk about him. with your family, your friends, his friends, strangers; stories are how we keep the people we love alive. the connections they've made, the legacies and experiences they've left behind, and so, so many stories.

how lucky, we are - to love so much it takes a piece of us when they go. grief is the other side of the coin, but it does not mean our love goes away. it lives in you. it lives in everyone who knew him, in the smallest pieces of our lives.

the people we love never really leave us, like this: they're in how we cook and the way we fold our newspapers, our laundry, in the radio stations we tune in to and the way we decorate our walls, our photo albums. they're in the way we store our mail, organize our closets, the scribbled notes in the indexes of our books. the meals we love and the drinks we mix, the way we spend time with one another. they've been passed down for generations, for longer than history - and we are all the luckier for it.

think about what you shared with him, and do it intentionally. bring him into your life, like this, again. whether it's crosswords or poetry or sports or anything else. if one doesn't help, try another. something might click.

i hope things feel a little easier for you, as they tend to do only with time. i hope you find joy in your grief, even if it is small and hard to grasp at first. know that your hurt stems from so much love that there isn't a place to put it properly, and that it is something so meaningful and hurting poets and storytellers have been struggling to put it into words and sounds that feel like the fit right for eons, and that it is also just simply yours. sometimes things don't have to make sense. sometimes they just are - unable to be put into words or neat little sentiments, as unfair and tragic as they come.

but i promise it will not feel like this forever. your love is real. and perhaps, on where to begin on from here - i think it's less on finding where to begin and just beginning. and you've already started. you've taken the most important and crucial step: the first one. wherever you go, after that, from here? you'll figure it out. you always have, and you always do. it'll come, as things always do. love leads us, as does light - and you're never alone in your hurt. in your grief, your missing something dear to you. i think if you talk about it with others, you'll find they have ways of helping you cope as well - and they have so much love of their own to spare, too.

as an aside, here is the song (northern star by dom fera) i was listening to when i wrote this, for no other reason more than it makes me think of connections, and love, and how we hold onto the people we love and how they change us, wonderfully and intrinsically. it's a little more joyous than the others i've mentioned, and plays like a story, and it made me think of what is at the core of this, love and stories and i am here with you, and maybe it'll bring you some joy, if you'd like it. wishing you all my love and ease 💛

#q&a.#birdsong.#wishing u gentle ease; the death of a loved one is near inexplicable to put into words and i hope you take care of yourself gently <3 #i hope this will make u laugh: when i was a tiny child in middle school there were times i would go outside in my tiny suburban cul de sac-#in the rain and sing along to my lil ipod nano and i only remember doing this to drops of jupiter. can you imagine going out to get the mai #after a long day of work and you just hear this kid singing train in the streets. in the RAIN.... it makes me laugh like i really.#i really thought i was so cool and deep and emotional ghjkd but i find it v funny that i only remember it w/ that one train track.#and saturn just. it's my fav s.a.l. song for a reason. that slow violin opening? the piano coming in gentle and easy?#it feels like light. like hope. like something new - a dawn after the long dark. that beautiful things can begin again even where #it hurts. and there is nothing more human than a sentiment like that.#how rare and beautiful it is to truly exist. what it is to be alive and get to be here and live with other people. with those we love.#i think your grandfather was so lucky to be able to know you. to have you in his life for the time you had together.#i'm no spiritual person; but i like to believe when you're thinking about him? he's thinking about you too.#the second law of thermodynamics (physics nerd mode) is that no energy has ever been created/destroyed since the beginning of the universe.#so it has to go somewhere - it's that carl sagan quote of 'we're all made of stardust'. because we are. we used to be stars; planets; etc.#i think it's why i think of these space songs - because they're a part of everything; once more; when they go. us and everything else.

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solilakoi · 1 year

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Monster High March Day 3: Toralei Dancing

Idk why, but as I drew this I imagined her dancing to I Am A Poseur by X-Ray Spex. Has that kind of aggressive “I dont give a fuck” and abrasive-on-purpose energy that I think Toralei revels in.

#monster high march #monster high #monster high toralei #toralei stripe #mh toralei #solilakoi draws #kinda tried balancing her g1 and g3 designs but i think g3 ended up coming across more #debated on giving her the skirt or just having her in pants #but for a piece like this i think the skirt adds some nice movement #makes it more fun #also i think toralei should get stompy combat boots. you cant tell me she wouldnt love them #i honestly had so much fun drawing this tho and i really hope it comes across #oh also one last controversial opinion right at the bottom here #I really don't mind g3 toralei's british accent #I think it suits her! she's got punk-ish influences and that scene was arguably born in britain #along WITH giving her a snobbish 'im better than you' vibe #like i think it's a solid choice that makes both those sides of her character more cohesive

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pyroteapot · 11 months

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Also can we talk about Jamie being fully prepared to sit in the med room, alone, while the rest of the team went out and celebrated, and being genuinely surprised when Roy and Keeley came in to celebrate with him.

Even after hes sort of shaken off the main part of the crisis he was having, he still seems to struggle to believe that he is deserving of people showing that they care about him.

#Jamie Tartt #I'm sure he really hoped someone would come along but I don't think he thought they would #Roy let you crawl all over him and sob into his neck Jamie #Keeley and Roy stalked your across Manchester to check you were ok #Maybe its because he thought the way they were sat together on the bed meant they were back together and didn't have time for him anymore?#The three of them love each other so much this episode was everything to me

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hyvnology · 8 months

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we had bury your gays in a time called you and now 'villian is gay' as a plot twist which ( while so fucking unserious, like im laughing my ass off rn ) im taking as a (somewhat) sign off progress bc we had queer main charcters in mainstream shows. So, like this is how it started in the west and then evolved into us getting actual queer main character who had nothing that tragic happen to them. So, its the same thing thats gonna happen here right.... right? *nervous laugh*

#my lovely liar #it was the gays all along lmfao #like my mans was suspicious from when he said congrats and solhe heard it as a lie #but come on #thought he was being protective of his artists but ahshhddj #im laughing my ass off rn #its hilarious and also not #also deukchan closing his eyes while driving had me crackling #one thing abt us gays is that we love being dramatic #a time called you #also dont take this whole thing i said seriously #i had a few shots of tequila despite telling hope im never gonna drink again #and so now my brains not braining

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whentommymetalfie · 18 days

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Bird Song -Tommy and Luca

Tommy is not sure how he’s ended up here. On the surface it appears like a dream, the penthouse in Soho, the successful husband who never misses an opportunity to spoil him, a life full of expensive dinners and parties. But beneath the glimmering surface lies a darkness unlike anything else.

AO3

#bird song #Tommy x luca #but also #Tommy x Alfie #Alfie aka knight in shining hospital scrubs #fic moodboard #possibly least one more to come...#an angstier one #if you'd like it #we'll see #anyway I had so much fun but also put way too much time into this #oh the Selecting Of Pictures...#well I hope you enjoy my fixation along with me ❤️

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disdaidal · 2 years

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Billy and Eddie, both bored in Hawkins. Breaking into cars, hotwiring them. Taking midnight rides until the gas runs out. Until they’ll have to find a new car to break into. Or hitch a ride.

Hopper’s tired of their shit. Keeps bringing them into his office, giving them one of his many lectures. Both staring at him with bright eyes, like two choirboys and angels all of a sudden, pretending that they don’t know shit. Hopper always lets them out with a stern warning, ignoring their victorious smirks that they hide badly as they pass him by, knowing they’re just gonna go back to their mischief once again.

Drinking beer, getting high together. Borrowing each other’s jackets when it gets too cold in the night. Listening to Metallica, headbanging and playing the air guitar. Fooling around at the backseat of Billy’s car (or any car they’ve stolen) or Eddie’s van. Slowly falling in love with each other but denying it for a long time.

Eddie is always revved up but he’s never felt like this until he met Billy. He’s never had a friend like him, so connected to him, nor a lover as passionate as him. Billy’s talked about moving out of Hawkins sometimes, getting away from the monster that’s his dad. It makes Eddie anxious - he can hardly stop thinking about it as lies in his bed, next to Billy, stroking his hair once the blonde has already fallen asleep. Wayne knows they’re together - he doesn’t mind it at all, as long as they don’t mess up the whole house.

What Eddie doesn’t know that Billy can’t sleep either. He pretends to be asleep, so he gets these cuddles and these gentle gestures of affection that Eddie keeps giving him when he thinks Billy’s sleeping. ‘Cause Billy always puts up an act, that he’s in it for sex and nothing else. That cuddling and shit is meant for romance and relationships only. That they should only remain as friends, not turn into anything more serious because it’s not going to work anyway.

But the truth is, Billy’s scared. Even more than Eddie. Hell, Eddie doesn’t even seem to be scared. He’d probably hug and kiss Billy in front of everybody, for the shock value - just to piss off pious cunts like Jason Carver.

Billy’s not like him. He’s loud and obnoxious - just like Eddie. And Eddie’s tough, genuine. His every emotion is on the surface, and Eddie isn’t afraid to say what he thinks or show how he feels. Eddie might be fragile and sensitive in his own way - the ways he’s only shown Billy and Wayne -, but he easily masks it with his wicked sense of humor, proudly flipping the finger at bullies and haters and making freakish faces at them.

Yeah, Eddie might be a ‘freak’, but he’s a proud freak. And it turns Billy on.

Billy secretly wishes he could have the same kind of confidence. That he wouldn’t have to hang around with dickbags like Jason Carver and Tommy Hagan, pretending to be one of them, and not wince for one bit when they keep calling Eddie a freak and a Satan worshipper and what else loudly in the cafeteria. That his heart doesn’t ache for him when he carefully glances in Eddie’s direction, at his table where surrounded by his D&D freak friends and some of Max’s dorky friends - or when Eddie looks at him and gives him a wink.

All the time Billy’s thinking and saying that he’s moving to California once he’s graduated high school. He keeps saying that to Eddie, secretly hoping that the brunet would have a reaction of some kind: that Eddie would say something, anything, to make him stay. Or ask to come with him, get the hell away from Hawkins. Move with him to California. And whenever Eddie just nods and pats Billy’s back and gives him an encouraging smile, Billy feels his heart sink a little more every time.

He doesn’t know what he wants anymore. There’s one thing he knows he wants for sure, but he’s too afraid to ask for it. Too afraid to speak up and tell how he really feels, when he really means it.

So he carefully leans back against Eddie. Closes his eyes and still pretends to be asleep as he slowly turns around in Eddie’s arms and nuzzles his face against his T-shirt. Inhaling the familiar scent that he’s already grown addicted to - God, Eddie smells so good. He slightly clutches at Eddie’s shirt inside his first and gives a happy little sigh when Eddie slips his arm around his waist, resting his hand on Billy’s back, then leans forward to press a kiss in his hair.

In that moment, Billy knows he never wants to leave Eddie’s side ever again. He doesn’t want to wake up tomorrow and go back to school again, playing the popular jock, and only Eddie’s friend and fuck buddy when they’re back in Eddie’s trailer, away from the prying, judgmental eyes.

Eddie wishes they could be more. That Billy would move out of Cherry Lane and move in with him and Wayne. Granted, there’s not enough space for three people. But they would make it fit. Wayne has pretty much accepted Billy as his second son already. He isn’t much at home anyway, working at nights and consequently, Eddie often feels lonely. With Billy, he’s found company and someone to share his passions with. Someone to talk about music and argue with about stupid shit that no one else but him and Billy would care about. Someone to genuinely care about his guitar-playing, and Eddie can’t help but feeling smug every time he plays his guitar and glances at Billy and sees his pretty dreamy blue eyes looking at him.

Eddie knows he’s being impossible and unrealistic and daydreaming, but he wants those eyes on him all the time. He feels jealous when he sees the airbrained high school girls fawning all over Billy, knowing Billy could pick any of them at any time, to play his little ‘straight guy act’. Maybe even fall in love with one of them, just to please his shitty old man, that doesn’t deserve him as his son.

Eddie wants to protect Billy. Help him. Make him feel safe. He can’t physically fight any of Billy’s demons, especially not his father. That’s Billy’s kind of thing, except he isn’t fighting back his old man. But Eddie knows and thinks he could offer something even better and that’s his unconditional love.

But he knows it’s all in vain. Billy only wants him as his playmate, something to comfort him at nights, keep his bed warm. Eddie sighs and his heart aches a little more when Billy actually cuddles against him, albeit deep in sleep, seeking his warmth and comfort and closeness. To Eddie, it feels so good and it hurts so bad at the same time. He wishes he could have Billy like this at all times, in his arms, cuddled against him, without feeling this heavy burden of worry and anxiety pressing his heart. The dread of losing Billy, losing them, which according to Billy, would happen soon enough.

Eddie doesn’t want it. He wants to graduate and he wants Billy to be happy. He doesn’t want to let go of Billy. He doesn’t want Billy to leave him.

His palm presses against Billy’s back, blunt fingernails slightly scraping against his clothed skin. His mouth and nose buried in Billy’s well-tamed curls, pressing a loving kiss there. Eddie wants to kiss so much more but he doesn’t want to ruin the moment and actually wake up Billy.

A single tear falls from the corner of Billy’s eye and he suppresses a quiet sob against Eddie’s shirt. Fuck.

#mungrove #eddie x billy #billy x eddie #mungrove fanfiction #mungrove ficlet #my writing #sorry this isn't the writing piece ya'll asked to get tagged to #it's coming along i promise #but this thing just... hit me tonight. and i haven't written let alone finished anything proper since february #so i'm quite happy with this. and i hope you guys like it <3 #i needed soft boys just like i need hot boys

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