#I need to suck it up and deal with it

[transmascissues]

i’m going to be starting a job soon where it looks like almost all of my coworkers/bosses are going to be cis women and i am…terrified. especially since this is the job i’m going to have to get time off from for top surgery.

if there’s one thing i’ve learned over the almost ten years of my transition, it’s that a situation where i’m the only guy there is one where my gender is guaranteed to not be respected. it really feels like far too many cis women realize they’re alone with a trans man and just see it as an opportunity to act out some sort of power fantasy where they get to stick it to the big bad evil men by taking out their anger on the first man they see without the power to fight back. that or they decide you’re “just one of the girls” and will not hear otherwise, but honestly, given where i’m at in my physical transition, i have a feeling the former is more likely.

there was a time when i felt safer around cis women than around cis men, but now it’s just a different kind of threat.

#a lot of them are also. let’s say a very specific kind of cis woman #because of who this kind of job attracts #as a trans man but also as a disabled and mentally ill person…im not optimistic about how it’s gonna go #i was already deadnamed and misgendered throughout the physical for the job bc their system has no way to handle preferred names or anything #so uh. not looking too great right off the bat and im sure that’s just the beginning #it’s not a job im super jazzed about in general bc it’s in a setting that i have Lots Of Problems With and never wanted to work in #but a bitch needs money so. gotta suck it up and deal with a few months of transphobia ableism and general cognitive dissonance #i love capitalism! it’s so fun and cool and quirky! (said with the most lifeless voice you’ve ever heard) #transandrophobia #transandromisia #transmisandry #virilmisia #virilphobia #anti transmasculinity #transmascphobia #trans men #transmascs

[angstyaches]

100 x 10

To commemorate this blog passing 1,000 followers, I wanted to write 10 new 100-word drabbles. (Because 100 x 10 = 1,000!)

Please don't send anything too elaborate; a sentence/dialogue starter/some keywords etc. + OC name(s) please! 🖤

#ask game #ask meme #drabbles #mini mental health vent incoming #I attempted starting this up last week but when the post got no interaction my brain attempted self destruction #and I deleted it because it was easier than dealing with the perceived ✨rejection✨ and 💅failure💅 #so if this disappears again after you've seen it - that's probably why! #I'm gonna try not to though and to be more patient #anyways today sucked and I need a distraction so now seems as good a time as any #Flickposting #blog stuff

[dying-suffering-french-stalkers]

there is truly nothing i hate more on this earth than being asked to provide a cover letter and references

#well okay. interviewing also sucks #i can deal with the cover letters to a degree but references?? fuck directly off. this is what interviewing is for. #if you want to make sure i'm not a freak (however you define that) then just talk to me. #this is not a specialized position where you need to know that i'm like...not a fraud of a marine biologist or something. #please i just want to get out of my current job and shelve some books and help some patrons #not be the director #none of the positions i applied to yesterday played this game. come on #annoying post for ts #personal #edit: fucked up and provided a (distant) family member as a reference 🤡😔

[naamahdarling]

.

#ashamed and alarmed to discover that much like teachers #people who work closely with folks who spend a lot of time on the streets #and in shelters #or in buildings that offer services to the disadvantaged #will catch every fucking thing that goes around #just like their clients do #which sucks more for them #by like a whole fucking lot #but also sucks for my boyfriend who needs to do his job which is to help them and would rather not have to do that while sick #but we don't have a choice and they don't have a choice and this work MUST be done #so he has to try to do it anyway and hope he can hold up #desr god he is tough #for a soft guy #it also sucks for me because i catch almost all of it too #we have each been sick three times this year #and i know people do deal with and are dealing with way worse so i feel bad being mad about it #not mad at the people or my boyfriend but mad at the whole situation #this is infuriating and between us this year we could have fulfilled the snot needs of the entire nation if there were a shortage #i hope i don't catch whatever this is #and i hope our immune systems are not so ravaged by the covid we had a year ago that we cannot build a more robust immunity to rhinoviruses #ughhh stupid flesh hovels

[gemharvest]

(id in alt - do not repost)

#artings #mp100 #ekurei #reigen arataka #ekubo #dimple #arataka reigen #mob psycho 100 #// kitty ekurei because the grind never stops 💪💪💪💪💪 (<- needed to kill time at work) #anyways i might tough up the id when i get home. kinda rushed bc i gotta get back to work but wanted to post now or id forget tk #touch up* forget to* #this keyboard FUCKING SUCKS oh the things i deal with to have a reigen manga bit as my keyboard

[possiblytracker]

coughs loudly. scheduling this post for slightly later today so i have time to get lunch and not chicken out before it goes up

firstly i gotta apologise for dropping off the face of the earth. in hindsight it was creeping up on me for a long time I just didn't think anything of it/had enough stuff going on to ignore it for a while, but ive been wrestling with pretty abysmal mental health that just kinda hit me like a truck back in august. i wont get too much into it but things just ground to a halt and in the span of a week or so it legitimately felt like i stopped being a Person- i just stagnated, felt like i lost the ability and will to do anything or enjoy things or create like i used to, all my energy went into keeping it together in front of my family, and it made me way too anxious and ashamed and guilty to want to show my face. like who would want to put up with my stupid bullshit, right (wrong! that idea just made me unbelievably worse and i regret it extremely, but my anxiety was going extremely unchecked at this time). i don't think i've ever been that depressed before and i didn't at all know how to handle it or begin to claw my way out

fortunately, a combination of getting exercise + touching grass regularly and new enrichment/hyperfixations to latch onto like an orphaned duckling are very recently kicking some life back into me so to speak. who wouldve thought. and now where i used to still feel stomach-turning dread and paranoia thinking about getting back on tumblr and discord a week or two ago, it finally feels like i can handle dipping my toes back in. i'm making this post first bc i know most of my friends will see it, and that feels less taxing than explaining myself a bunch of different times over and over and dragging it out, but ofc i will try and get back into conversation when and as i can (askbox and discord is still best to reach me if you wanted). i'm just really sorry, and I hope you can forgive me, for making you worry or otherwise

i'm not sure what to do from here (i'm considering maybe moving main blogs to a clean slate eventually? this one will still be here i couldnt bear to get rid of it, i've just had it since i was 16 there's Baggage attached) but i'll be trying to ease my way back into relative normalcy before doing anything big ofc. in the meantime i will be vaguely floating around here again. see you around and thank you for your time..

#cryingcat.png #god i hope tumblr doesnt send out a stupid notifcation to all followers that i posted i dont know what the time limit for that is but augha #here i am tho either way #vent/ #i have missed people the entire time it is very hard to describe how stupid and cowardly it feels knowing i Could come back at any time #but also being utterly paralysed and afraid to do so. like surely i could just suck it up and i Tried but i am so so mentally unwell #i need to work on how fucked up my freeze/flight response to stress is really bad it ruins my life but i am still too unemployd for therapy #so my broke ass just has to deal with unpacking my own shit for 2 months/j #anyway the point is even tho i am getting better somewhat irl ive still been struggling to pluck up the courage to come back online #but i can't keep it up forever and completely shut down just bc it makes my anxiety superficially feel 'safer' #so here i am. feeling slightly less full of dread. bc i at very least owe it to everyone to let you all know im not dead or something idk #and i also owe it to myself to not be miserable on purpose forever!! #now i just have to get everything unmuted and wait for this to post see you on the other side

[themyscirah]

Suffering more than Jesus atm (being a fan of 80s/90s Suicide squad in 2024)

#god amanda waller what did they do to you.... #i KNOW i never shut up about this but GUYS ITS SO BAD #fucking WHY would you take the interesting antihero protagonist and then strip her of any redeeming quality and use her as this horrific #unforgivable villain who is treated as a hated antagonist in her own comics #WHERE SHE ISNT EVEN THE MAIN CHARACTER MOST OF THE TIME #like why are you trying to make me sympathize with fucking harley quinn or smth when the actual main character is right there. why are we #turning her into this horrific villain w a million master plans making deals with the devil and shit. #we are supposed to like her. like maybe not all dc fans do because shes almost always an antagonist in other books but in her own shes the #main character!!! there should be some aspect of interest or sympathy for her. as opposed to just making her like badass or whatever #so sick of this #and its in freaking EVERYTHING right now on god i cant read other comics that are otherwise good (like ga) and enjoy them without the #obligatory intense demonification of one of my fave characters #like shes my no 6 in locg for a reason i genuinely love waller like yeah she sucks sometimes but shes INTERESTING. #this is not interesting or creative in any way what theyre doing with her #this genuinely could have been any government baddie like honestly #dont flatten 3 dimensional characters into 1 dimension (or at best like 1.5) to tell a story you tell the story around the 3d characters. #why do i need to say this. basic competent storytime #blah #amanda waller #istg i throw out another waller rant every freaking tuesday on here #suicide squad #you know what. at least we had the movie #you heard me. higher hopes for the new gunn dceu series than actual comics for the forseeable future #viola davis save me... #need to do a bit of 00s reading still to verify but on god watch this all come down to a fucking new 52 thing. like not to say that i think #thats where it all went wrong bc i need to read more to verify but i have an idea of what rlly did it and i think it was a nu52 decision #but then again maybe im stupid

[ialwaysknewyouwerepunk]

.

#these past two weeks have been so intense that ive just.. not spoken about it once i got home from work #blocked it all out #my beloved colleague whose desk is next to mine has cancer #breast and uterus. she needs two major surgeries #they just diagnosed her two weeks ago #so we've been trying to deal with that as colleagues and friends #because we love and miss her and i am so deeply sad as well #but i feel like i couldn't process that at all bc two days after the news of her diagnosis i was asked to take on half of her work #on top of my fulltime #which i agreed to do bc i like her tasks and i want to help her and i also know i can do it #but it does feel very off bc i know i don't earn enough money for this workload to be long term and it is def like this #for the coming four months at least #so i did tell my manager that i would like a raise and. that bitch told me to BUY MORE SECOND HAND SHIT. #i seriously thought i saw my life flash before my eyes #then the day after she asked one of my colleagues who's been with the firm for over 30 years whether she was looking for another job maybe? #which caused that colleague to instantly go home in tears and be home from basically a nervous breakdown the past 1.5 week #which is her full right and i support her with all my heart but bc my management sucks it meant that we had to also carry her tasks ofc #i felt soooo spread thin and super super angry actually but i didn't even realise how angry i was until last thursday my colleague w cancer #came by the office. and talked about all of it. and i suddenly realised how sad i was but then also how angry #but i was just blocking it all out trying to stay afloat #bc we told her about what the manager had said and she said “i hope that i get the chance to really tell her how it is someday.” #“because the stress she causes with people can actually kill you. just look at me.” #and the rest of the day i felt so ready to be done with everything actually #but seeing her anger made me see my own anger #and released me of my own pent up emotions bc i had actual leg pains this week and it was purely psychosomatic #i then managed to tell some friends yesterday about what was going on and their outrage spurred me on even more #so today i emailed hr. demanding a raise #doing this amount of work while constantly feeling like the house is on fire while also struggling financially seriously makes me suicidal #and i am not joking #so.. if nothing comes of that im leaving that job and not looking back

[artnerd1123]

im so goddamn tired.

#fucking hate being barely able to make ends meet from check to check #fucking hate watching my loved ones struggle and gasp for air and being powerless to help them #fucking hate that im trying to convince myself to just suck it up and deal when all I want to do is sleep because I can’t miss work bc- #-I need my hours up #fucking. god #I’ll be fine. I’ve been fine. I’ve made it this far and have no intention of stopping anytime soon #i just need to scream or I’ll cry #might still cry lmao. whatever #it’s fine. im fine. i just need to keep moving so i dont fall and stay down. no walking or i wont be able to run this race nymore n all that #arty issues #delete later maybe

[dimonds456]

okay not enough people are talking about this. To everyone that has survived this long, either taking pills, fully healed from, or currently suffering through hyperthyroidism undiagnosed is a fucking hero.

Hyperthyroidism (and it's sister hypothyroidism, which I know less about) is fucking awful.

Your metabolism is completely thrown off. Your heart constantly races. For me, it was at a resting rate of 160 BPM at one point. When running, it was 220. That's enough to give you a heart attack.

Your balance is constantly off, you fall over and wobble nonstop. You physically cannot walk a straight line. In extreme cases, looking up can make you fall over. Yes, looking up could knock you over.

Your eyes stick out of your head uncomfortably so. The muscle behind them swells up, making them stick out. In extreme cases, people have needed to get eye patches, or, for those unlucky, the eyes do come out completely.

Your own fucking throat is attacking you. Like I said, I know less about hypothyroidism, but hyperthyroidism is what happens when your thyroid, located in the front of your neck, goes ballistic. It's incurable naturally and can only be treated with pills.

It's not "clumsiness." It's not being "sensitive." It's a fucking disease that goes after 40% of AFAB people. THAT'S A HUGE CHUNK OF PEOPLE.

My dad got it, too, so it's not just them, either.

Some people have to take pills forever. The lucky ones heal. For some, only radiation can finally kill it before it kills them.

If you're suffering from hyperthyroidism (or it's sister), I am so fucking sorry. My heart goes out to you.

Reblog to let hyperthyroid victims know you see them. You care. You want them to get better. I love each and every one of you.

I hope we will one day heal, in one way or another.

#hyperthyroidism #hypothyroidism #grave's disease #thyroid #disabled #actually disabled #dimond speaks #okay time to get personal #i had it for 6 months before getting diagnosed #my parents ignored me until i looked up to put away a plate in the kitchen and fell over one day #my doctor came in the room and knew instantly what it was because my eyes were so huge #i've been medicated for years and it's still horrible to deal with #i'm still in fear that i'll get a heart attack from exercising too much due to high heart rate #if i don't take my meds i can physically feel it #it sucks #i HATE it #god i hate it #i want it to stop #but because my meds got fucked i might never heal #they might need to kill it with radiation. #yeah. RADIATION. #they're gonna kill it. maybe. one day. but i am seriously considering it. #i hate falling over randomly throughout the day. i hate that i'll be standing still and have to grab someone to steady myself #i hate that one day at school; SPEEDWALKING caused me to see stars #FUCKING SPEEDWALKING #i want it to stop.

[gaydogmarriage]

ppl are always depicting cyno in fanon as a comic relief annoying idiot partner to tighnari that cannot read the room and is always making him angry and yeah he doesn't have the best social skills and doesn't understand other people that well, but he knows that. and he also knows tighnari well enough to know that if he truly was annoyed with his behavior to the point of getting angry, he would shut that shit down real quick. he's not the type of person to just sit there and take it if he's genuinely bothered, i think. cyno's just putting himself out there without letting himself be paralyzed by his own shortcomings or insecurities, and it's pretty clear tighnari doesn't want him to repress himself either.

if anything, i can see tighnari being the one with an annoying habit in private that he has 0 self awareness about because he's so used to being the one dealing with other people's bullshit that he may not realize when he's the culprit for once, and cyno is too much of an unbothered king to say anything about it, and too madly in love to stay annoyed for long lol

#cynonari #its especially baffling when ppl make tighnari be annoyed with cyno playing his funny card game and being goofy when at the end of his sq #tighnari shows up and sees that cyno isnt being his goofy self and immediately prescribes him playing cards to feel better. doctor's orders #and he plays with him himself. why would he participate in and encourage his friend's hobby if he hated it #i think they both smell like autism and both deal with socializing by projecting a lot of confidence and being bluntly honest #but in tighnaris case the way he expresses himself makes the confidence kinda mask the autistic vibes while cyno's puts them on full displa #basically i think cyno is fully self aware about his own autism swag he just doesnt feel like hiding it because that would just #make everything worse and more awkward #it rly sucks when people reduce their differences to tighnari being the smart mature adult and cyno being the idiot unserious manchild #feels like one of those situations where people are moreso applying fandom tropes that have been flanderized over time onto characters #without actually considering those characters as characters #i need to stop thinking about gay dog men and go to bed #occurs to me i should probably tag this as the ship in case someone's just looking up the characters and wants to filter it out? #idk tumblr's inconsistent about when it throws my posts into the spotlight and when it lets me stay in my corner

[twyz]

my brain is thinking HORRIBLE things

#twyz #magenta/columbia angst in the WORST fucking way guys #okay so it takes place during my au #later on anyways #columbia ends up surviving being shot by riff raff but she has absolutely no memory of the events of rh #all she remembers is her last name (anaslong) #but magenta remembers everything still #she has to deal with painful feelings of unrequited love while playing the role of nation and remaining friends with Columbia #which fucking SUCKS bc she still does all of her mannerisms that she did in rh so it just tears magenta apart #on top of that frank is back #again #and her (normal.) relationship with riff raff is really rocky bc of what he did and essentially caused #its a mess #god #i need to write smth #OUGH #roz screams into the void #shock treatment #rhps #rhps au #txt

[toastsnaffler]

okay can we have a new rule that if you're my friend and know I struggle with rsd from adhd + you're planning on hanging out with mutual friends but specifically aren't inviting me for whatever reason. Maybe Don't Tell Me About It

#id just rather not know man. even if I cant go or dont particularly want to im going to get stung by it and it rly sucks #its a TON of extra effort i have to put in to emotionally navigate that information without overreacting and making it an issue #wait actually maybe i do need to sit down with her and explain this more explicitly. bc she probably doesnt rly know abt it #even tho ive mentioned it shes rly terrible at reading ppl and i probably dont let on much abt it anyway bc im used to dealing w it #ugh. but also its rly embarrassing to talk abt and ill have to tread so carefully to make sure it doesnt get misinterpreted. hmm #but itd be worth it if she stopped so. ill give it some thought #it makes me feel so unreal sometimes bc i cant always tell if im justifiably upset or if im 'just overreacting' so i assume the latter- #most of the time to give myself space to work thru the emotion and minimise the damage i might cause if i AM just overreacting #but then sometimes later on i realise that it was justified but its too late to bring it back up and anyway ive worked through it #and idk. theres smth self disrespectful abt it all im tired of making space all the time and never taking any up myself #im not THAT upset rn like this is a v minor thing but still. might be time to start nipping this stuff in the bud #aaanyway #im procrastinating eating bc i cooked a nice meal but now im not in the mood to eat it 😭😭 but i gotta fuel up..... #ill find smth to watch hopefully thatll do the trick #yawns so loud bye for now #.diaries

[lit-in-thy-heart]

fucking hate moving

#i am surrounded by boxes and bags #i am anxious that things won't fit in the car #i don't know where some things are that i thought i knew where they were #even when i've moved things out i'm still going to have a decent amount of stuff at home so now i'm freaking out about needing to sort that #in the future #wish i could just snap my fingers and have the boxes be teleported to where I'll be living #this #this is why i just have been spending my time writing giffing and knitting #so i don't have to deal with this #fuck it might try and suck it up and motivate myself with the promise of coffee later #right battle face on #personal #lit talks #edit i FOUND the duplicate item for uni i thought i couldn't find the world is a little brighter etc etc

[holyluvr]

Older people who are disabled have got to start understanding that it’s a lot different of an experience when you’re younger and disabled. I’m tired of them brushing it off and talking about their disability that they gained with aging or at an older age. It’s not the same social, economic, interpersonal, or doctor experience at all when you’re 20 compared to 45+ years old.

#… #this isn’t saying OH OLDER PPLS PAIN DOESNT MATTER or THEY DONT FACE ABLEISM #No. I’m explaining how they’re often ableist to younger disabled people without a thought of it. #it’s not solidarity when you explain a different experience and emotions and PUSH it onto a younger person without listening #like honestly go fuck yourself with your bad knee if you’re going to brush a kid or young adult being disabled off as no big deal and normal #it’s not the norm for our age. we have so many expectations based on age. doctors don’t trust us telling the truth at all/take us seriously #it’s traumatic to be a child. teenager. or young adult with a disability for a lot of us. It fucks up our family and finances and friends #we lose so many opportunities that a younger person usually has. we are often lonely. like cmon. #no one is going to think a 50y/o is lying about chronic pain #but when I took breaks from work because of my disability I was accused of being lazy lmfao by disabled older women #more than anything we need older disabled people to support us and give us hope #not complain to us or tell us to suck it up bc Well They Have This Issue Ans #I have my entire fucking life to think about with this disability. I have to change my entire future and life goals. everything. #disability #ableism