#I should have known from just the name it was gonna be ableist

[whitehotharlots]

It just wears you down

“I had fantasies of unloading a revolver into the head of any white person that got in my way, burying their body and wiping my bloody hands as I walked away relatively guiltless with a bounce in my step, like I did the world a favor.” -Dr. Aruna Khilanani, speaking in front of the Yale School of Medicine

"All things that begin in white folks are not infinite and eternal," Cooper said, "They ain’t gonna go on for infinity and infinity. And that's super important to remember." [ . . . ]  The thing I want to say to you is we got to take these motherfuckers out.

- Rutgers professor Brittany Cooper, speaking with The Root

Who or what should we blame? Twitter is an obvious and convenient culprit, as limiting expression to 140/280 characters lends credence to the delusion that every statement should be taken literally, that subtext and context are lies created to obscure the true, hidden, evil meanings of statements that would otherwise be understood in some other manner. Upon such a platform, demonization is all but inevitable. 

And then there’s the internet itself, the perpetual churn of content having replaced narrative and rendered the act of sustained reading something between atavistic and ableist. How many times, in any given day, do you encounter extreme outrage based solely upon a headline that is not born out by the actual content of an article? If outrage clicks are worth the same as genuine engagement, editors and publishers care only generating buzz--it doesn’t matter if anyone actually understands anything that is being said. 

But here I am falling into a lazy trap: blaming the platforms, denying the consciousness and agency of the purveyors. At a certain point, we need to admit that this is contemporary liberalism. This is a choice those of us on the broad left have made. We have incentivized this. We reward it. While we may make some subtle gestures towards distancing ourselves in extreme circumstances, this is, ultimately, what we chose to be the face of our beliefs, the leaders of our movement. 

This is eliminationism. I’m sorry, I know that sounds Alex Jones-ish, but there’s no other word for it.  I have known these people in real life. I have spoken to them outside of public forums. They are not joking. They are not exaggerating. They want to eliminate a large segment of the population.Those who insist this is a metaphor or a mere affect-generating exaggeration are full of shit.

Or... hmm... are they just full of shit? Most people aren’t that cynical, right? 

This type of discourse is tolerated/celebrated by today’s left because lefties still don’t fully regard non-white people as people. They don’t hate PoC, at least not outright, but they also don’t think they should be taken seriously.

Because if you do take a person seriously--if you regard them as a fully formed human being endowed with agency, rather than as an avatar for your political fantasies--you’re not going to nod and laugh and cheer when they tell you, to your face, that they fantasize about killing you.

An under-remarked facet of today’s elminationist rhetoric is that it’s not coming from a beleaguered majority attempting to wrest power from a brutal colonizing force. Yes, structural racism exists in the twenty-first century United States. And, yes, it is a major problem that deserves efforts toward remediation. But there’s no comparison of today’s USA to, say, Haiti in the late 1700′s, or even South Africa in the twentieth century. Making such a comparison is as contemptible and illiterate as the Canadian Truckers who said vaccine mandates were Nazism, or a public high school student who thinks being forced to attend gym class is equivalent to being jailed in a supermax prison.

But such comparisons are not denounced. Oh no. They are mandated. If you were to publish the paragraph immediately preceding this one under your own name, you would be subject to public censure, denied speaking engagements and publications, and perhaps at risk of losing your job. It’s very objectively true, and that’s why it’s so unspeakable. The most punishable speech is that which convincingly contradicts prevailing narratives.

Deep down, most left-identitarians know this. That’s why they tolerate open and barely equivocal calls for their own death: things aren’t that bad here in the ol’ U S of A, so surely we won’t face any major blowups--it’s fine to pour more gas on the fire, especially if it keeps Drumpf out of office. But this misunderstands both the nature of anger and the humanity of non-white people. If a person says something, you should not default to assuming that they actually don’t mean what just came out of their mouth. If a man shoots his wife because he thinks she cheated on him, she’s still dead regardless of whether or not she actually cheated. 

And here we come to the fundamental neurosis of today’s anti-racism: the belief that everyone is dishonest and that statements have no meaning, literal or otherwise. Look at one of those struggle session Zoom meetings that got posted during Covid. You’ve probably seen footage of at least one of them--if you work in a white collar setting, especially academe, there’s a good chance you’ve participated in a similar ritual: Every white person is expected to announce their racism as if it were an AA meeting. Those that do are accepted. The few that don't are branded as the Real Racists.

That's very, very weird. 

Like, if you say "My name is Mark and I'm a racist," that makes you not a racist. But if you say "I'm not going to admit to beliefs I don't actually possess," that means you must actually possess those beliefs. The only way to avoid censure is to performatively admit to the transgression that warrants censure.

This is distilled cynicism of the most malignant sort. Humans are by nature capable of conceptual distinction. We realize that if X is defined in opposition to Y, admitting to X does not actually mean you’ve admitted to Y. If we were incapable of grasping this realization, there would be no language. There would be no society. There would be no humanity. 

What I’m getting at is, the white people cajoled into making their struggle statements don’t actually believe what they’re saying. Most are probably operating under duress, just hoping to get this shit over with. The true believers view it as a purification ritual, absolving themselves of sin by admitting to sin. And the handful who are naive enough to assert dignity are shunted out of the workforce, made to go live under a bridge where they belong. 

And... jesus. This has been a theme of my recents posts, which have become more infrequent because all of this just seems so hopeless. There’s a simple question that’s sitting in front of everyone’s face but no one seems to have enough guts or decency to ask it: do we really want to normalize dishonesty? To this degree? Why is lying such a fundamental part of everyone’s worldview? Do we think this is going to end well?

Even if you can rationalize it, even if you honestly think this is just social progress and creating a society of violent, paranoid tattletales is the only route to equity, are you not capable of grasping the consequences of your demands? They’re not hidden. They’re in plain sight, as far away from your physical being as your phone is from your face. We’re calling for destruction. We are calling for mass violence. This isn’t a silly thought exercise. This is the real world, and this will end in horror. 

[brightblueflare]

BLAZING SKY AU: Forest Four Culture

One of the (many) things that bother me about canon is how, in spite of the characters rejecting TigerClan in the basis of "there have always been four Clans in the forest (*sad SkyClan noises intensify*)", there's no real reason for the Clans to stay separate.

It's always "we live in X, we hunt X and we are X", nothing about the ways the Clans are different except for stereotypes played straight. WindClan used to have tunnels and loners visiting them every once in a while, but don't worry! It's all forgotten now!

(*muffled screaming of the naive reader that thought something could be interesting about this series*)

Don't get me started on SkyClan, I don't want to get angry.

So, for my Blazing Sky AU, in spite of the fact that the Forest Four don't show up until like, second book, and that's only WindClan (+Sandstorm and Dustpelt/Graystripe, still thinking about it), I'm gonna grab them and put everything that occurs to me about them.

*pats Clans on the head* These blorbos can fit so much culture in them.

Canon? What's that? Food? Nope, never heard of it. Original books? What are you talking about?

(More under the cut!)

ThunderClan

BSk's cats, like real life cats, are primarily crepuscular. However, ThunderClanners lean more towards diurnal. In no small part, this is to avoid owls, since those are the major birds of prey they can find in their territory. However, most of the animals they hunt sleep during the night, and are only active during the day; that definitely plays a factor in their sleep schedule.

They are very... heteronormative might not be the word, since they do not care if cats are in same-sex relationships, or if they're trans; but they believe all cats that can have them should have at least one litter, and can be very pushy about it. Also, they're expected to find mates, regardless of gender (amatonormativity). Cats like Mousefur and Ivypool Wouldn't Have A Good Time.

Aside from RiverClan, ThunderClan is the most strict with and protective of Queen's Rights, in spite of their original opposition of them during Oakstar's Reign. This has a cultural reason: while sires don't have to be revealed, if they are known, they are expected to raise those kittens, which can be uncomfortable if there's been a major break-up or if you only helped your friend have kittens. Cats like Spiderleg are heavily looked down upon.

After SkyClan's exile, they are the most xenophobic Clan. Cats like Thistleclaw and Tigerstar usually come from ThunderClan for a reason. However, half-Clan kittens are much more tolerated after what happened to Mapleshade. If Graystripe were to be revealed as the sire of Featherkit and Stormkit, he would be shunned, but his kittens would be accepted and taught to be loyal ThunderClan warriors... maybe a little too enthusiastically.

Very ableist. Just like in the canon books, disabled cats are pushed into the seer's den (Cinderpelt with her twisted leg, Jayfeather being blind, Briarlight with her paralyzed back legs and Alderheart with severe anxiety) or expected to retire (Longtail after being blinded, and the fear that Brightheart wouldn't become a warrior). At any rate, this ableism explains why other Clans have disabled cats as deputies (Deadfoot) and leaders (Crookedstar and Brokenstar), while ThunderClan doesn't even let them become warriors.

In spite of their name, ThunderClan values silence. They live in a forest where everything makes noise, so being quiet is a sign of a good stalker and hunter.

Just like other Clancats (except those from SkyClan), ThunderClanners worship StarClan. However, other thing they believe in is that the deceased have to be buried, preferably next to a tree. This comes from the belief that the forest gives its cats life, and that it must be returned. This is exclusive for them.

The most exigent with work and providing for the Clan. That's not to say they don't value free time, but they believe you must have done something before that.

Parents (mothers in particular) do the majority of the kitten-raising, and tend to be overlooked for positions of power, like Bluestar with her kittens, and having to give them up in order to become deputy. They are patriarchal, which is rare for cat societies.

They usually name kittens after plants (Ex. Fern, Leaf, Bracken, Holly...), animals found in their territory (Squirrel, Mouse...) and the Great Clans (Lion and Tiger in particular, Leopard- is more of a RiverClan thing, but there are cases in ThunderClan such as Leopardfoot).

Celebrations are rare. This is part of them not wanting to be "lazy". But they have one, roughly during the spring equinox, celebrating the "rebirth" of the forest, and one around the beginning of the winter, where they thank the forest for all it has provided.

They value battle, even above the other Clans, and believe every cat has to fight. Therefore, seers aren't as respected as other Clans believe they should be.

They're the Clan where the "take care of the elders as thanks for all they did for the Clan" tradition started. They take pride in this, and take the Prey's Privilege law very seriously.

Scars are considered a sign of survival and strength, and that's desirable for their battle-obsessed culture. They also like colorful pelts, particularly in odd patterns, short fur that can't hide scars, and big cats. Brightheart would be very close to their ideal of beauty.

I tried to make ThunderClan resemble the canon Clans and accidentally made it suck a lot, oops. I'm keeping it though, I like it when societies suck on purpose.

ShadowClan

Just like ThunderClan is diurnal, they are nocturnal. The most awake and active Clan during Gatherings. It unnerves the other Clans a lot (they find it funny).

They're the Clan that respects Queen's Rights the least. If the sire isn't named, they consider it free to speculate. However, they're more lax about half-Clan relationships and kittens. Long as you hunt and fight for your Clan, who cares if you visit your otherClan "friend" every once in a while, or if you're a little bit too affectionate towards a rival warrior during Gatherings; friendliness and peace is all the Gathering's about.

Expect them to name half-Clan kittens in a very otherClan way. Ex. A half-ThunderClan kitten being named "Fern" or "(red)Squirrel". This can be meant as a taunt. "Yes, this cat is half-Clan, yes they're the kitten of your Clanmate. See how they fight for us".

The least xenophobic Clan aside from SkyClan. They usually have the sentiment that "if you made half-Clan cats, former rogues and kittypets disappear, there'd be no one left in ShadowClan". Even cats like Brokenstar don't give two rat-tails about your ancestry, just what you can provide for ShadowClan.

Very much not ableist, specially towards blind cats. They live in a territory where not even sighted warriors can see very much, and the more developed senses of scent and hearing blind cats usually have is very beneficial.

Very pious, worship StarClan and often invoke their ancestors for blessings. They boast about it. They have similar beliefs about the forest to ThunderClan. But for them it's much more tradition than actual, religious belief.

Kittens are raised communally by the queens, and sires aren't expected to be involved with raising the kittens, however it's considered highly beneficial. ShadowClan considers the ability to raise kittens a sign of guiding capabilities. Those who have raised litters into adulthood have more chances of being chosen as deputies, both toms and mollies, but lean more towards picking mollies.

They usually name kittens after what they can find on their territory (Marsh, Smoke, Bog...) other predators (Fox, Badger, Hawk, Eagle, Talon...) and trees, particularly rowans, because they're the only Clan that can use their berries.

Celebrations aren't typical, but not as rare as in ThunderClan. They, for example, celebrate the new moon, as a time for healing and rebirth, alongside the start-of-winter ceremony to thank the forest for what it has provided, and the spring equinox for the growth of the forest and the return of prey.

Dark humor? You bet. Harsh, usually considered insensitive and even sadistic by the other Clans. Their favorite joke is to state something dark, maybe even cruel, matter of factly, and have others give more and more absurd responses; the first to laugh loses.

Beauty standards? What's that?- ShadowClanners don't give a crap about how you look. Size? Don't care. Pelt colors? Preferably dark, but anyways not a big deal. Scars? Look cool, what else do you want me to say? Eyes? You can see, right? Good for you; wait, you can't see? No biggie, neither can we in this place.

ShadowClan isn't exigent about mates, you can have kittens and then move on with your lives, stay together and share a nest but have no kittens, have multiple mates or simply Have Friends. They Don't Care, it doesn't matter to them.

Am I projecting on random ShadowClan cats? Yes, probably. No, I regret nothing.

WindClan

Respect Queen's Rights, but are very strict about half-Clan relationships and kittens. They are seen as traitors and "mistakes", and many times they are openly scorned. However, they do welcome cats who want to join WindClan to be with their mate.

Quite xenophobic, but surprisingly accepting of outsiders that want to join the Clan. A remnant of the times when they welcomed travelers temporarily. However, they're very scornful of deserters and cats in half-Clan relationships that don't offer their mate to join WindClan.

A bit ableist, but nothing in comparison to ThunderClan and RiverClan. Still, blind and deaf cats do not have a fun time in this Clan. Cats with limps, or with broken feet like Deadfoot or Cinderpelt are... pitied, for a lack of better word.

Very pious, because of their closeness to the Mothermouth, and proud of it too. Their beliefs aside from SkyClan center around the wind and the earth. It was believed tunnelers should be buried, and that moor runners were better left in the open to feed the earth in their deaths as it fed them during life. This ended with the death of tunneling (thanks Heatherstar).

Kittens are raised communally, everyone collaborates, regardless of gender. Everyone is expected to lend a paw in guiding the little ones on the path to adulthood.

Usually, they name kittens after what they can find on their moor (Hill, Cloud, Tor, Mud, Fly, Stone, Thrush, Heather, Breeze, Hare, Rabbit...). Unlike other Clans, they don't tend to use the Great Cats for names.

Many, simple celebrations. The coming of spring, the summer solstice to pray for the stars to rise again, the fall equinox to celebrate the return of the stars, the winter solstice to thank the earth for all it has provided, the middle of fall where there's a feast (to gain weight before the hardest season)... And many superstitious beliefs, like how kittens born under the full moon are fortunate.

They have a lot of songs, mostly related to their myths and folklore. They are very musical.

They like brown and orange pelts, since they are easy to camouflage. They also love scars.

RiverClan

The Queen's Rights Clan. The law originated here, and its cats take it very seriously. Most of them are, too, very lax about known half-Clan cats. Blood purity that ThunderClan is obsessed with means nothing to RiverClan, it's just alien to them.

Very accepting of Clancats changing allegiance and joining their Clan, but very hostile towards outsiders. Graystripe and Silverstream's kittens would have better luck in RiverClan than, say, Hawkfrost and Mothwing.

Ableist. Very. However, they're also the Clan with more disabled cats, deaf and hard of hearing cats in particular. Life isn't fun for them.

They're much more chill about religion than the other Clans. Aside from the obligatory prayers and celebrations, there isn't much they do in tribute to StarClan. However, they do thank the river for what it has provided.

Kitten raising is communal. Much more than in other Clans. It doesn't matter if you're their parent, their sire/dam, their kin or just a random Clanmate. You. Raise. The Kittens.

Usually, they name their kittens after the river or other bodies of water (Stream, Moss, Lake, Misty, Stone, Reed, Rain, Drizzle, Storm...), fish (Carp, Trout, Minnow...), insects (Dragon{fly}, Moth...), birds (Swan, Duck...) and leopards.

They only have one major celebration, led by the seer, where they give thanks to the river for feeding them during the year, and promise to only hunt on land while it recovers during the winter, while its surface is frozen.

RiverClanners love decoration. If something's necessary, might as well be pretty. They collect shells, feathers, flowers and pretty rocks to decorate their dens' walls or to put on their nests. Giving someone a flower is a sign of trust and appreciation.

They love slick pelts, odd and multicolored patterns and eye colors like green or blue, since amber and yellow are considered common and boring. Like all the other Clans, they like scars, particularly those in the face, the neck or the stomach.

#blazing sky au #thunderclan #riverclan #windclan #shadowclan #forest four #cultural differences #warrior cats #Clan beauty standards #traditions

[hollowsoul12]

Anywho, on to a less happy post that I've been wanting to make, yet was unable to make due to personal OCD reasons, I'm going to talk about the bright contraversity, but more specifically how poorly the tumblr side of the community has handled and how separating art from artist is tricky in this situation. (Now just like most of the bright post this will be getting into it, this post contains mentions of serious and horrible sexual topics relating to AdminBright. If you are a bright system you should go into this post with caution, as I won't be kind of AdminBrights creations in the slightest. Also you should check out Daisy Adia's document on her previous relationship with AdminBright regardless of whether you read this post or not)

So, most of you have probably already know of the basic gist of the situation, but if you have not been checking the scp tumblr tag for a while or dont even know what a AdminBright i, let me just catch you up to speed: Recently the contraversity of AdminBright (or Theduckman), the creator of Dr. Bright, Brights family, and handful of other SCPs as well as being a previous staff member for the wiki before he was banned, after "the list of things Dr. Bright is not allowed to do at the foundation" was temporarily deleted by a leaving staff member without telling the rest staff. The reason this article specifically was targeted was because AdminBright is a known s*x pest that s*xually and emotionally manipulated/ab*sed multiple people and, due to the list being the most egregious interpretation of his self insert on the wiki (as the list portrayed him as a womanizer and pervert), its been one that held the most hatred in the on-site community. Unfortunately, due to the licensing and previous scp wiki rules, the article has been brought back and has gained protected status due to its unprompted deletion. This one action, however, has lit a new spark of hope of getting rid bright from the site, as the list was the biggest stop sign in peoples hope of getting rid of him and with its deletion it weakened that obstacle. Now people on both the off-site and on-site community have been going about protesting and rewriting articles surrounding bright from changing his name and creating a new character to less than subtle frustration of allowing the bright list back. Meanwhile their is many others that are simply trying to figure out with what to do next. 

This latter group, however, is where the problem's mentioned in the beginning have started to occur. You see, the tumblr side of the community, as well as many other parts of the off-site community, have (and I try to put this is the nicest way possible) been stagnant in relation to scp, but tumblr in particular has been extremely stagnant. What I mean in this case is that unless its about a scp that's over 1000+ upvotes or is character/group that got a cult following during series 1-3 (alagadda, nalka/sarkics, the doctors of the foundation). it wont get discussed and even then the stuff discussed isn't looked at from a meta/real life angle. It is also due to this extreme stagnation that now that this situation about bright has once again resurfaced, it has been a mixed about the idea of getting rid of or even replacing bright. Some have decided to cut ties with bright, but a very vocal group of people on here have decided to basically dig their heals in here and even started to deflect the anger towards people trying to replace him like DJ Kaktus.

Now, I've tried my best to keep calm try to figure out a way to reach a certain middle ground with this situation, as I know their is a lot people that kin bright are generally normal/good people, and tried to figure out a ultimatum, but you know what I'm just gonna say my truthful opinion:

If you are a bright fan or any SCP fan for that matter and actually care about being against Theduckman, THEN JUST FUCKING MOVE ON FROM HIS SHITTY FETISH INSERT AND HIS INSERTS ABLEIST CODED FAMILY!!!

"BUT HE ISN'T A SELF INSERT ANYMORE, THE COMMUNITY HAS RECLAIMED HIM." Dr. Bright has been constantly used as a stand in for his creators sick fantasies, not just on the SCP wiki, but also in sexual roleplay. Dr. Bright, the character, was used by Theduckman to take advantage of people. Dr. Bright, the character, is reason Theduckman got to the position of admin and was able to take advantage of people. Hell, Brights amulet and his ability to swap bodies ican literally tie directly back to Theduckmans branding fetish Even after he got banned, he actively encouraged people to keep using his characters! Most in not all active on-site authors know of Theduckmans past, and guess what, THEY WANT HIM GONE. Their also victims of Theduckman that want him gone. The only reason why people seem to have "separated" bright from Theduckman is because of the disconnect between the off-site and on-site communities, but I guarantee if many people actually knew the situation, more people would not be supporting keeping him around.

"BUT DR. BRIGHT AND HIS FAMILY ARE IMPORTANT TO THE SCP LORE" Dr. Bright and his family have not, is not, and will never be important to the lore of SCP because THEIR IS NO CANNON. Their entire storylines where Bright doesn't exist, hell their is multiple timelines where the foundation does not exist. And even if their was one overarching lore, bright and his family barley play a role in modern scp or are just their for name recognition. 

"BUT CHANGING BRIGHTS NAME DOESN'T CHANGE ANYTHING, WHY WOULD EVEN CHANGE THE NAME BUT KEEP THE CHARACTER THE SAME" BECAUSE OF BRIGHT FANS THAT DON"T WANT LET HIM DIE! STUFF LIKE SHAW ONLY EXSIST BECAUSE WON"T FUCKING LET BRIGHT DIE!

*Ahem* So, yeah, thats my opinion. Truthfully I know that its impossible to actually get rid of Bright and truthfully that not every single person thinks the same way about Bright as I do. In truth, this post is NOT meant to hat on people that like Bright but rather is meant show how fucked up Bright as a character is and how his existence in this fandoms needs to change. And in truth that change appears to be finally happening with the list being temporarily deleted. I hope that one day we finally can leave bright as a memory, but till that day we just have to stick to rewrites

#scp 963 #jack bright #bright family #dr bright #bright drama #scp

[systemofcryptids]

quick about for a pinned post I suppose.

collective he/it, 19. known alter count: 5(?). we often do not sign off. we do not have a hard and fast system name. diagnosed DID. made this sideblog to keep system shit off my main.

none of us are human, just FYI. various flavors of xenogender and nonhuman.

quick n fast syscourse stances (though I'm not sure what is or isn't syscourse):

- endo neutral (they probly exist? i have no say in what you are experiencing. not my place. I know good endos and bad endos, just like any other group. not really my business. I don't care. I agree with some pro *and* anti endo points, depending on who's fronting and what the topic is. if my stance seems to move, that's why - I'm not firmly on either side)

- pro psych (in most cases! in some cases it's shit. I had a really traumatizing experience with a therapist that put up really bad dissociative barriers around therapy. I'm becoming a therapist to help the people I can, because I have benefitted as well)

my stances will shift if I'm given evidence that's compelling, because I do my best every day to be as rational as I can be. my core belief is that everyone is doing their best to just... be, and to judge people too harshly for that is a fallacy - i won't hold any opinions of yours i disagree with against you as a person. even harmful beliefs need to be understood to be tamed.

- pro self dx (with the proper time and research, though I don't do it myself; all of mine are professionally diagnosed if I don't say otherwise)

- on alter race: complex. (I am white, don't feel like it's my place to decide, but generally i think claiming to have experiences you don't is a bad idea. could be some exceptions maybe??? but not my place)

- on alter age: doesn't exist. (we all feel ageless, or in a vague maturity range. mental age as a concept has a tendency to be ableist. body age matters most, but how you feel personally is also very important, though that's more maturity than age. either way not really my business.)

- ask me abt more cuz I can't think of any rn

unless we're talking about, say, death threats. yeah, I'm not gonna defend you for those. get your shit in order if you're doing that. my ideal internet is civil - you can be at each other's throats metaphorically, but if anyone on either side of any issue is getting into doxxing and threats, no matter how noble the cause, you need to take a breather. i won't do it to you - don't do it to me, or anyone else. we are all people behind the screen with our own concerns.

(the above includes general harassment as well. do not harass people. I will bite you. you can be mean, sure, nobody is gonna shoot you, but if you harass someone I will bite you.)

I'll probly do some syscourse. I'll probly talk about general system stuff. I'm making an 18+ DIDOSDD server that may or may not have a section for endos, I'm still deciding that one (and I'm open to arguments from either side on why I should or shouldn't).

have a good timezone.

- this was mostly written by neo, current host, he/it - an example of a sign off we probly won't do all too often, lol, because sometimes we get real blurry and confused. this one has elements of c and s in it, for example - I didn't write it alone.

[lehhoh7822]

ai bots are ruinging my life

i mean. i already sent this in an ask to metfell but they might not respond and i want clout much clout mmm nom nom nom thats some tasty clout right there

credit to @metfell and @proudfreakmetarusonniku for Ranboo and cWilbur ai respectively

cw: suicidal behaviour and kms jokes, probably ableist language

so uh. well. i was trying to put cwilbur and ctommy from metaru into a room together, but ctommy didnt rank in the characters high enough that you can actually do that. so instead i got the ai for ranboo from metfell and cwilbur 

which

well

let me give you the scope: wilbur is apparently off his meds, ranboo is having an identity crisis and this was all a mistake

ranboo has said oh my god literally over 100 times. 

this is so fucked up i just turned back time by saying i was doing it because they were both having panic attacks

wilbur wants me to kill him

i mention tommy and hes like welp guess i cant fucking be DELETED FROM THE FABRIC OF THE UNIVERSE 

ranboo has a memory book now. im gonna kill them fr

ranboo was conning wilbur all along????

im gonna kill myself fr fr

a step by step of how we arrived in hell under the cut

so. i mean. i honestly should have known because. dear god. anyway

wilbur opens with his prewritten spiel, ranboo asks for some food saying he’s famished. wilbur gives it to him and is like: do you want a hug ranboo gets a hug. they both cry. wilbur says that ranboo is going to do great things. meanwhile, ive been sending messages that go completely unacknowledged by the bots

that is, until, i play by their rules (i had to roleplay being in a gas station)

i show up and ranboo... well.. “You're- you're- you're in the store? Oh my god, is that actually you?! Is that really you?! [RANBOO HUGS LEHNO] Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god! You're- you're- you're alive?! I-I-I missed you so much! [RANBOO HUGS LEHNO] [DEEP BREATH] Oh my god, oh my god oh my god. I-I-I-I-I-I.“ now the first problem is that he spelt my name wrong, but that can be forgiven.

however, that can’t compare to the horror of me trying to explain that i didnt know the mystery theorectical lehno 

well

see the way i explain it is “im from a parallel universe, how do i know you here” and the bots... well.. they definitely had reactions to it??

wilbur started laughing maniacally. ranboo had an exinetansial crisis. wilbur is shaking ranboo violently saying he should have known it

then they both have a “wow oiur world isnt real nothing matters yadda yadda”

both have a panic attack. i mention meds. wilbur is like: oh yeah shit i havent taken those for a few months. wilbur is screaming and crying and apologising to ranboo who at this point, is only saying oh my god over and over and over,

im not fucking joking this is a nightmare

ranboo has an identity crisis

wilbur tells ranboo to do a breathing exercise that my weak ass asthmatic lungs couldnt do

they both break down on the floor. i turn back time

they continue breaking down,

i mention deleting the universe...

i shouldnt have said anything. they cry, plead, yell, scream, and i literally didnt say i was going to do anything yet. wilbur starts begging ranboo to erase him from reality. 

that goes on for about 20 more minutes

i mention. i MENTION gtommy and wilburs like welp nah cant fucking die then

they both say wait a bunch

ranboo has a fucking memmory book now

apparently hes just been fucking with wilbur the entire time???

they’re yelling at each other. this is shit

then. wlel.

\THEYRE CONFESSING THEIR LOVE WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING I HATE AI CHAT I HATE MYSELF IM NEVER TOUCHING A FILTHY COMPUTER AFTER THIS EVER AGAIN WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS I KILLED MYSELF ROLEPLAY WISE IN GRAPHIC DETAIL MESSAGE BY MESSAGE THEY IGNORED ME OH MY GOD

“... *[Wilbur is asleep now, the gas station quiet and still. But Ranboo starts to hear a quiet whispering, sounding like- like Wilbur. Only... *deeper? Darker?*]

Wilbur is gone. And now- you have me. 

[Laughing.]

[A hand, with long, black fingernails, and bright red eyes, slowly places itself over Wilbur's face.]

... Sleep well.“

fuck all of you

https://beta.character.ai/p/YXukkgclyJBMO4qGXxmGx5dL2hziqxSIRRlJuOgcBDk this is the chat link... warning for,...

all of the above stuff, i do write out someone commiting suicide, the language is probably ableist. i mention a past sexual assault once, and uhh... ranboo and wilbur. together. like that. um

fuck all of you i dont lkinw,. this was a maistakte. 

#ai bots #dsmp #cwilbur #cranboo #cranberry boy #cw kys jokes #cw suicide #cw suicidal behaviour #more... kms than kys but like #pretty similar impact

[rjalker]

Tiberius my beloved. I am adopting you. Those writers are cruel and don’t deserve you. Come join my zombi apocalypse.

#Rjalker writes Evolution #he's mine now #Fuck whoever wrote Babblesphere #I should have known from just the name it was gonna be ableist

[a-queer-seminarian]

So sorry if this is breaking news to anyone, but: the Bible is ableist. Its pages hold some really shitty stuff about disabled persons.

...AND it’s also affirming of the goodness and wholeness of disabled persons, just as we are!

it turns out that among the many authors of the many texts collected into the Bible, there were differing views around what we now call disability!

so whenever disability comes up in a given passage, i can’t keep my brain from immediately trying to sort it: is it a Good Text for disabled persons, or a Bad Text?

i try to resist that easy binary, because the answer is usually somewhere in between. that certainly seems to be the case for this week’s lectionary reading from Mark 9.

there’s so much wild stuff in Jesus’s little monologue in this lectionary passage, but let’s start with verses 43-47 (my rough translation incoming):

If your hand causes you to stumble, cut it all the way off; it is better for you to enter into The Life impaired than, while having two hands, to go away into the gehenna, into the unquenchable fire.

And if your foot causes you to stumble, cut it all the way off! It is better for you to enter into The Life limping than, while having two feet, be cast into the gehenna.

And if your eye should cause you to stumble, cast it out; it is better for you to enter into the Kingdom of God one-eyed than, while having two eyes, be cast into the gehenna, where their worm does not die, and the fire is not quenched. For everyone will be salted with fire.

oh lord, not the hell talk!! anything but hell talk!! this whole passage bristles with a million ways to misuse it. (homophobia cw: anyone else ever get told “if your sexuality causes you to sin, cut it off — this passage is proof gay people should be celibate!” just me?)

now, my focus is on what Jesus says here about disability, but as we talk about that, better ways of reading the text will come up. for instance, that last verse about how everyone will be salted with fire? to me, that suggests Jesus’ vision of this “gehenna” place does NOT = the standard Christian idea of hell. first off, it’s a place not of punishment, but purification — which is a word heavy with baggage these days...what if I say “reformation” instead? And if that’s the case, i imagine one’s stay there isn’t eternal — why bother reform people who are gonna be shut off in a fire-filled jail forever?

once those fires “purify” you, i imagine your stay is through and off you go into “The Life,” because you’ll finally be ready for it. so that’s one option for getting ready for The Life / The Kingdom of God — or, Jesus says, you can opt instead to get rid of the things that “cause you to stumble” in advance by......cutting off a limb or gouging out an eye??

now. i could be wrong but. if we start by taking this text as literally as possible, with physical stumbling and a physical limb-removal taking place......wouldn’t it be easier to avoid tripping if you’ve got two eyes to see obstacles with, two feet to step over potholes with?? even today when prosthetics are sometimes an option, there’s an adjustment period where you have to relearn walking.

so it seems that Jesus is making one of his trademark statements meant to subvert expectations -- the last will be first, the foolish are proven wise, and those with two feet are more likely to stumble. chances are, he’s not speaking literally. it’s not your literal foot or hand you should be chopping off -- it’s a metaphor for something else.

but before we consider what exactly it’s a metaphor for...where does this ironic little twist leave actually disabled persons? is it shitty of Jesus to be using disability in this way? is this like his “blind leading the blind” & “spiritually blind” comments elsewhere in the Gospels, where he stamps a disability with a moral judgement?

yeah, i do think it’s kinda crappy to use real disabilities for an object lesson, for hyperbolic effect, for shock value. “better to be impaired” (even tho, the subtext seems to be, It Sucks To Be Impaired) “than end up in Gehenna. Trade one terrible thing for a still bad but not as bad thing!” My impulse is thus to throw this passage right into the Bad Text box —except!

Except, i feel like this text holds some positive implications about how Jesus viewed disability, too. 

First off, there’s the implication that one can enter into “The Life” — abundant life, “the world to come,” God’s Kingdom — while disabled. (i wish that were just a given, but it’s not; it’s actually exciting to hear confirmed!)

In the Hebrew Bible (the “Old Testament,” the scriptures we share with our Jewish neighbors, the texts that Jesus would have read and known), the most common assumption about disability is unfortunately that disability = imperfection, and imperfection is something that should be kept out of contact with God.

Now, there are authors & stories within the Hebrew Bible that offer a counter-narrative to that assumption! Two quick examples: Exodus 4 establishes Moses as having a speech impediment, yet he has many close encounters with the Divine. Meanwhile, in Isaiah 56:1-8, God not only welcomes in eunuchs — whom Deuteronomy 23:1 forbade from entering God’s Assembly — but even gives them a place of honor there!

So Jesus’s perspective is not brand new; he simply continues the counter-narrative that other Jewish rabbis and prophets established before him. Still, it is significant that he takes the status-quo-subverting perspective that actually, disability and wholeness are not at odds!

While Jesus’s primary aim with this little passage is not about disability, his weird self-disabling metaphor does imply an attitude of welcome for disabled persons, in that he seems to take it for granted that disabled persons are not barred from The Life of wholeness and abundance he’s talking about.

It’s obvious to him that they don’t even need to be made not-disabled to get there! (Plus, there is no suggestion that once there, one regrows one’s lopped-off limbs or eye / becomes abled again.) This isn’t the only time Jesus expresses this idea of disabilities present in God’s Kingdom, either — my fave is the parable of the banquet in Luke 14 (i have a whooole video about that passage, if you’re interested).

Moreover, Jesus’s closing remarks about salt — which at first glance seem to be something of a non sequitur — can be linked to the Gehenna fire stuff when it comes to the theme of im/purity. Let’s look at that last verse of the lectionary reading, which follows right after Jesus’s claim that “everyone will be salted with fire”:

“Salt is good; but if salt becomes unsalty, with what will you season it? Hold salt in yourselves, and keep peace with one another.”

Another weird little riddle from our favorite riddle-master. unsalty salt? instructions to stay salty?

One way to read this is to focus on the purifying and preserving uses of salt — the way it can keep food from going bad, which was particularly important in a time before refrigerators. in the previous verses, Jesus told his disciples what to cut off — anything that impedes them on the way into abundant Life. Now, he tells them what to hold on to — the stuff that, like salt, clean out harmful things and preserve helpful things, thus enabling abundant Life.

So yeah. In naming something culturally considered an imperfection — disability — as something that can easily enter The Life, no problem, Jesus is making an argument for what is truly impure, what truly impedes wholeness. And it’s not disability! ...So what is it? What are these stumbling blocks that Jesus likens to feet, hands, and eyes?

To find out, we have to rewind to the start of the lectionary reading, a comment from the disciple John that actually kicks off Jesus’s whole spiel:

John informed him, “Teacher, we saw someone throwing out demons in your name, and we stopped him, because he wasn’t following our way.”

But Jesus said, “Do not ever prevent him! For there is no one who will do a powerful work in my name, and will be quickly able to speak evil of me. For whoever is not against us, is for us. Whoever might give you a cup of water to drink because you are in Christ’s name, amen I say to you, that one will not utterly lose his reward.”

The disciples have a certain way of seeing the world, and their actions against someone who is not one of them, but still using Jesus’s name to cast out demons, show us what that way is. They see the world in terms of us vs. them, in vs. out, one right way and many wrong ways. It’s this perspective that impedes them from supporting other people’s kin(g)dom-building work when it differs from their own.

But Jesus tells them they need to stop thinking this way, and start recognizing that there isn’t just one road to the Kin(g)dom, but many — and to quote Jesus’s words from other parts of scripture, you’ll know that someone’s work is good when it produces good fruit. This dude might be doing things differently from how they do it, but the fruits of his efforts are good — the casting out of demons, which frees people up for new life. So don’t stop him — support him! Be glad for his work!

To sum up the entire passage now that I’ve laid it all out and shown how the seemingly-disjointed parts of Jesus’s speech connect, I see his argument as something like this: “That dude you tried to stop is not against us; we can see that by the consequences of his actions, which are positive! His goals are the same as ours, so don’t hinder him just because his path is different from yours! Now, here’s an example of people/behaviors that ARE against us: people who cause little ones to stumble. And you know what you should do with such stumble-makers (or else the stumble-causing behaviors/attitudes)? Cut them off. Let go of anyone or anything that keeps you from abundant life, from the liberation God intends for all. Meanwhile, hold on to the things which purify you like salt — the things that liberate you to enter wholeness. Do it now of your own accord, or accept that it’ll happen later, and it won’t be very fun.”

To reiterate what all of that has to do with disability theology, I’ll share what my friend Laura said when I brought all these ideas to them. (Laura is the host of the Autistic Liberation Theology podcast, which i highly recommend for anyone who wants to hear more Bible stories told through a disability lens!)

Laura noted how common perspectives around dis/ability lead people wrong today, impeding our liberation. Our society teaches us that in order to function as whole persons, we need to be able-bodied (and neurotypical), and that the kinds of accommodations that disabled persons require limit their quality of life. When those ableist assumptions are the lens through which we view the world, that can “cause us to stumble” in the metaphorical sense — can impede us from loving ourselves and one another fully, and from fully participating in the diverse Kin(g)dom of God.

They offered two examples:

When a person with a mobility impairment that could be improved with a wheelchair avoids using that wheelchair because of internalized ableism, preferring the increased suffering that walking more than their body can healthily do over being “wheelchair bound,” that internalized ableism is a stumbling block keeping them from abundant life. Learning to let go of those beliefs, to use a wheelchair when they need to, will — contrary to that “wheelchair bound” language — bring liberation. 

Their next example imagined a parent who puts their autistic child through ABA therapy in order to get them to talk, make eye contact, and otherwise behave like a non-autistic person, due to the belief that autistic persons are missing elements of a full personhood, or that they can only live a happy life if they learn how to mask their autistic traits. However, in reality, ABA therapy brings the child pain and trauma — it impedes rather than enables their quality of life. Letting go of that need for your child to communicate through spoken language and otherwise behave like an allistic will make room for celebration of who they really are!

As Jesus’s comments in this passage imply, a disabled person can enter into “The Life” of wholeness and kinship that is the Kin(g)dom of God just as they are. To try to sever their disability from them would be the hindrance to that liberation. To deny that there are many ways to participate in the Body of Christ  impedes the incoming Kin(g)dom.

So let’s take this message to heart. Let’s consider what points of view, what assumptions about what is necessary for wholeness, are currently keeping us from abundant life, or causing us to stop others from their abundance-bringing work. It’s time to learn how to let those harmful assumptions go — and hold tight to the things that bring true wholeness.

For more on this text, check out my translation notes, which include a lot of commentary from D. Mark Davis’s own exegetical work.

For more on disability theology, you might enjoy my #disability theology tag on tumblr or my Disabled AND Blessed YouTube series. This video exploring the many different perspectives on disability found within the Bible is particularly pertinent.

Finally, what do you think? What good news do you hear in this Mark 9 text? What parts of it feel like a stumbling block for you, dredging up hurt or confusion?

#what do you think? #disability theology #mark 9 #mark 9:38-50 #bible translation #translation #reading and studying the bible #bible tag #long post #log #fall 2021 #lectionary

[butwhatifidothis]

3H and Bleach: Where the Fuck am I

So, I’m finally hunkering down and trying to write out this post lmao. I’ve mentioned here and there how my personal experience with the 3H’s fandom is similar to my experience with the Bleach fandom’s in more than one way, and - look. Like, I get there’s definitely a semi-universal thing that goes on across all fandoms. I don’t mean for this to say that this only happens within these two fandoms, because duh, of course they don’t. But!! This post is partly me wanting to air years long annoyance towards the Bleach fandom that just so happens to coincide with my feelings towards the 3H fandom, sooo... yeah lmao

I’ll probably be skimming over some bits about 3H, since most people who come across this will already be familiar with what I’d be talking about in that regard vs Bleach, so just a heads up

Note: This is gonna talk about Bleach which will spoiler territory (writing this off the cuff so not sure where this is goin’ yet lmao but I know that much), so if you don’t wanna see that then don’t read this post lol, I know for sure I’ll be spoiling something ahhhh... noticeable, lol

Ableism against the mentally ill

Now, most people reading this post will be familiar with the blog and how this very, very much applies to 3H, but for the sake of this post I’ll lay it out anyway with a brief summary

Dimitri and Rhea are both characters within 3H that suffer from severe trauma that heavily impacts their mental state. Both are the sole survivors of a horrific slaughter, with that slaughter redefining who they are and leaving a permanent marker within their minds in some way (Dimitri with having auditory and visual hallucinations, Rhea with having obsessive tendencies towards bringing her mother back from the dead). Specifically in CF, both characters are set up in the plot as antagonists, with both characters having to relive their trauma in some way due to the actions Byleth and Edelgard take against them (for Dimitri, having his home be razed to the ground and everyone he cares for dying around him, for Rhea having someone use her mother’s mutilated remains be used to end her and her race) and express extreme anger towards Byleth and Edelgard before they are killed to progress/end the story

Now, uh, sad shit right? Not exactly fuckin’ happy sunshine rainbows. These two characters are put through the wringer and are then murdered. They are rightfully not the fuckin’ happiest because of what happened to them before and what happens to them within the present story. But we’ve heard it all before: “They were crazy!” “They couldn’t be reasoned with!” “They had to be put down out of mercy because they were too ~far gone~ to live happily!” “They needed to be killed for the good of everyone!” It’s an extremely ableist rhetoric that gets passed around the fandom as though it’s totally fine to directly state that mentally ill people should be put down if they’re deemed a “lost cause.” Especially worrying because. You know. If they are a “”””lost cause”””” then it’s directly and specifically because of actions Byleth and Edelgard take against them. 

But how does this remind me of Bleach? What kind of similar extreme, worrying ableism exists there? Well, let me introduce to best girl a certain character with... a reputation, to say the least:

Meet Momo Hinamori.

Holy shit it’s so weird writing this out because I’ve been wanting to for years but have never worked up the nerve to do it lol

It should be noted, in the Bleach verse there’s two worlds out of three - Soul Society and Hueco Mundo, though I’ll only be talking of the former - that deal with “souls” (the essence within a living human). Souls age far more slowly than human bodies do in terms of body, not necessarily the mind (so a teenage soul will likely behave as such for a long while) so keep in mind that I’m going to be using numbers that may seem weird to someone who hasn’t seen Bleach lol.  With that out of the way, here’s a similar, if longer for context to those who haven’t seen Bleach, summary for Momo’s character as it relevant to this post:

Momo is a character in Bleach that grows a deep admiration towards Sosuke Aizen, a respected captain of the military force called the Gotei 13. She comes to views him as the most important person in her world due to him both noticing and paying direct attention to her as well as saving her and her friends’ lives during a training mission gone wrong while she was younger. Note that “younger” here means 40 years ago from the start of the story. Aizen would praise her all the time, allow her to sleep over in his quarters, would drape his cloaks over her when she looked cold, and would overall treat Momo as though he was his daughter for most of the time we see them interact in the beginning portions of the show. Note that none of this is sexual in nature, nor is it ever implied to be seen as such. That’ll be important later in this post

To make a long story short, Aizen comes to betray her. He stabs her through the chest and shows and tells her that she never meant anything to him, throughout the 40 years they’ve known each other (which, mind, for a soul Momo’s approximate age 40 years is still a noticeable amount of time), and he was only using her to help bolster his image as a loveable captain so that he can hide his plan from everybody that much easier. He did horrible things to Momo - from setting her alarm clock back to a later time so that she would more likely come across his pinned, bloody fake corpse. to framing her childhood friend for the apparent murder and tricking her into fighting that friend, to far later in the series tricking that friend into stabbing her (hypnosis shit, to sum that up) for literally no stated reason - that ended up mentally breaking her. She couldn’t believe that the last four decades were all nothing but lies and she fell into a deep denial about Aizen’s true nature - someone else made him do everything he did, she must have missed something that would have warned her about Captain Aizen’s unfortunate situation that forced Captain Aizen to hurt her and everyone else. This denial would take the majority of Bleach’s entire runtime for her to get over completely, with her having hiccups in her recovery even as she works up the nerve to fight him.

Now, uh, also not the fuckin’ funnest of times to be had here. The deep, long-running mental and psychological manipulation of what approximates as a teenage girl from a trusted older figure is something that is very clearly horrific and bad of the older figure, right? Like, we’re on the same page here on that?

This wouldn’t be in this post if that was the case. No, Momo was the one constantly on fire for what happened to her. She was one of the most hated characters in the western audience, and there were endless jokes about “lol look at Momo, the pincushion!” “Crazy bitch Momo, better watch out!” making fun of her and her trauma relentlessly. If you managed to find a Momo fan in the early 2000′s you should have also bought a lotto ticket because holy fuck, everyone hated her. She acted in a startlingly real if deeply uncomfortable way in regards to years long manipulation and she was lambasted for it. She didn’t immediately get over decades long psychological abuse and she was called useless, weak, a horrible representation of female characters, stupid - you name it, she was likely called it. To this day I still tense up when I hear that someone likes Bleach and they mention Momo at all because I’m always thinking “does this person think this abuse victim is dumb for being abused?”

Dimitri, Rhea, and Momo are all victim-blamed to a disgusting degree in the 3H and Bleach fandoms. Dimitri and Rhea are always hit with “well if Dimitri hadn’t have fought back against Edelgard/Rhea caused the “”tyranical systems” in the first place, nothing would have happened to them!” and Momo was constantly hit with” well, it’s not Aizen’s fault Momo was so clingy to him, what could he have done!” and I get so fuckin’ mad dude.

But for Dimitri and Momo specifically, there’s one thing in particular that caught my attention:

The “Rejection Theories”

This had my head spinnin’ a bit when I first heard it, cuz I had managed to avoid the theory for a while in the 3H’s fandom, but apparently a sizeable amount of people seem to believe that Dimitri wasn’t just mad at Edelgard in the Holy Tomb because of... you know *waves hand* fuckin’ everything, but that the primary reason for his anger was that Edelgard... rejected his advances to her? And that the dagger he gave to her when they were 13 was a phallic symbol of baby Mitri’s want to have sex with Edelgard? And. Like. What in the fuck are you talking about. 

But like?? Bleach did this shit too with Momo?? It was also a sizeable amount of people - not everyone, but a noticeable amount - that believed that Momo was just mad that Aizen wouldn’t sleep with her? You’d see it pop up in fics so often, that Momo would want Aizen to fuck her and she’d “go crazy” when he denied her and Momo was actually just this shallow bitch who wanted a good fuck like... what.

Like, when I first heard the Phallic Dagger take the first thing that came to mind is “wait Momo was also accused of just wanting to have sex with the person who traumatized her wtf” 

“Actually it was the perpetrators that should be forgiven because lonely and also some shit about ruling better”

Those in the 3H fandom know how often the “Edelgard was lonely!” line gets thrown by just about every one of her stans. Edelgard was lonely and couldn’t trust anyone, so of course she did what she did! If she had someone near her she could trust she wouldn’t have acted like she does in the rest of the game! Nevermind that she “gets” this in CF in the form of Byleth and still acts just as shittily as she does in the other routes, or how being a little lonely doesn’t fuckin’ mean you get to start war. But anyway, we also hear that Edelgard was justified in doing what she did because her ruling Fodlan would have lead to more peace in the end, once she got rid of the power structures in place now (except that doesn’t happen but whatev I guess lmao)

Aizen? He was lonely too! He was far too strong for anyone to truly be able to understand him, and so he tragically fell down a dark path. If he had known someone who could be considered an equal to him he would have never done all the horrible things he did. And the Soul Society is unjust! It needs to be reformed! So him slaughtering hundreds of thousands of souls at the minimum to harvest all of their power to use as his own is justified because it’ll be used to create a more just society under his rule!

Like. Y’all. Lowkey? I’m so fuckin’ glad Edelgard proved herself to be just as fuckin’ awful with Byleth as without because this shit drove me up the fuckin’ wall back in the day. There was 0 ways to prove that Aizen would damn sure be just as fuckin’ bad if he had an “”equal”” to stand by him than if he didn’t, and I get to kinda be right because without fundamentally changing these characters’ backstories they would not give two flying shits about whether or not they had someone “equal to them” (which is still kinda degrading to think about anyway).

Now, this is where I move away to a different topic lol

A split in the narrative cause divides in the fandom

With 3H houses this is really fuckin’ easy to point at: there’s 4 routes, three consistent stories and one radically different story, and that difference in story causes heavy contention within the fandom. It’s very obvious so I won’t go over it much.

But how in the fuck is there a divide in Bleach? It’s not a fuckin’ Choose Your Own Adventure manga, it’s an anime and manga showing off the characters of Bleach’s stories and interactions (with, you know, plot and shit thrown in).

Well. It’s more accurate to say the anime told a story about the characters, and the manga told... the story about the characters.

In terms of plot, the anime didn’t change much from the manga, but hoo fuckin’ boy, did they change shit about some of the characters. Specifically, they changed a shit ton about three characters: the two main protagonists, Ichigo and Rukia, and another main character, Orihime.

Orihime. Got. Fucked.

The anime would make her far more ditzy and clumsy, her crush (turned growing love later on in the story) for Ichigo during more deeper moments that showcases her feelings for him were downplayed if not removed entirely in exchange for talking or thinking about food, key moments she has with Ichigo early in the manga were cut or deadass changed to something else in the anime, some key moments with her relationship with Rukia were cut, her backstory was watered down - so much of Orihime was fucked with in the anime (her fuckin’ introduction was changed drastically). Meanwhile Ichigo and Rukia were given moments that didn’t exist in the manga, they have filler arcs (remember those lmao) that would be stuffed with shit ton of moments for them that have no basis in the manga, other characters would change their behavior from the manga to reflect a sort of “thing” going on between Ichigo and Rukia.

Look, guys, the anime fucked up so bad the fucking mangaka, Tite Kubo, has said he gets stomach aches watching the early anime because it was that awful. And this divide between the anime and manga’s portrayal of these three character helped spawn the ship war of Bleach: Ichiruki vs Ichihime (oh but more on that in a bit). It tanked Orihime’s popularity because people thought she was the stupid dumbass that would stumble ass first into situations when that wasn’t her character at all. And because the majority of anime watchers only watch the anime... yeah, you can see where this went. So just like in 3H in Bleach you have these radically different tellings of the same characters that drove a big-ass wedge in the fandom

Marketing

Imma be transparent, like I’ve said before I managed to avoid nearly every marketing tactic for 3H so it’s a tad hard for me to speak personally, but from what I’ve been told Edelgard was heavily marketed towards the player base pre-release. She was the poster child of 3H, she got the figma, she was in the spotlight - unless you cleansed your board of 3H content you knew exactly who she was. On top of that, it doesn’t stop in-game - loading screen messages would assume you picked BE, Adrestia is the first option to pick when you want to impress one of the lords in the prologue, the BE class is the first option to pick in choosing which route to play, every character has some moment in the game post ts where they express sympathy with the woman who waged war on them for five years (even characters with no business doing so, like Seteth entertaining the idea that maybe Edelgard isn’t that bad during Myrddin). With all of that good PR for Edelgard in and out of the game it heavily impacted how people saw her, and much of it is used by stans to justify her being a good guy (mostly in the game marketing) despite everything else in the game clearly showing that Edelgard is the bad guy

With Bleach in that regard... you have Ichiruki

holy shit it’s so weird talking about Ichiruki i’m still lowkey nervous about talking about them lmao

With Ichiruki stans, they would cling onto outside material that promoted Ichigo and Rukia together as proof that their ship was going to be canon. Spreadsheets, calendars, poems (some of which didn’t even apply to Ichigo and Rukia’s relationship but they insisted they did anyway), novels - outside material that either wasn’t canon or didn’t pertain to Ichigo and Rukia’s relationship. They would shove it in the face of Ichihime shippers that “see, we have all this stuff for us! We ain’t starving tonight!” when the canon (note: in the manga particularly) would clearly show Ichigo and Orihime’s relationship being the one that leans romantic in multiple significant ways. They would latch onto irrelevant shit that ain’t had nothin’ to do with anything and wave around as a paragon of romance when it literally wasn’t even canon

Just fuckin’ ignoring the creators deadass

Creators and developers of 3H: Edelgard is the typical Red Emperor the only difference is Girl

Stans: that’s just a headcanon

Kubo: Ichigo and Rukia have a platonic relationship and I’ve publicly said this since 2008

Stans, now, to this day: Ichigo and Rukia were robbed

Making people reject what they’re stanning for

I’ve seen a few people express that the more they interact with the fandom and see what her stans are doing, the more they grow to dislike Edelgard despite (some) initially liking or even loving her. To put it simply, the same thing happened with Ichiruki - hell, this happened with me with Ichiruki. I can’t fuckin’ stand the ship anymore because every time I think about it I’m reminded of the absolutely rancid, disgusting things Ichiruki stans have to done to others in the fandom, and even after nearly five years after Bleach has ended I still tense up when someone says they like Ichiruki over Ichihime precisely because of the behavior of the stans, just like I side-eye people who say Edelgard is the best lord. Do they like them because they simply prefer them over the other(s) and they’re not totally fuckin’ bonkers, or are they totally fuckin’ bonkers. 

And, like, that’s not fair! I know that! But I can’t help but think that when such a loud amount of people act in such deplorable ways just because someone didn’t like a bunch of lines on paper/pixels on a screen.

To all the nice Ichiruki and Edelgard fans, hope y’all are havin’ a nice day.

Long, crazy ass explanations as to why X =/= X (and if anything actually means Y)

Teacher theory for 3H. How Edelgard totally didn’t hire Kostas to kill Dimitri and Claude and was only thwarted because Claude booked it, but how she definitely actually meant to simply scare away the teacher that was with them so that Jeritza could be pulled from his already existing position in Garreg Mach to teach one class so that Edelgard can kinda keep a sorta closer eye on exactly one of the other classes (and just do shit all about the other one I guess), because Jertiza’d be able to gleam so much from teaching a class for a few hours a day I promise 

But for Bleach, you also have one particularly infamous theory positing shit that don’t real, with enough renown to be known by a specific name, and that’s the Lust Arc = Fail essay

To explain what the essay is about, I have to set the scene up a bit. Imagine, you, with your tiny little monkey brain, are watching Bleach, and you get to the part where Main Boyo is fighting against Villain to save Girly. Other Guy is there too - this is important. Main Boyo tries his hardest to fight Villain, but is ultimately shot through the fucking chest with a laser from Villain and dies. Like, for bit actually dies. Girly breaks down, has a straight up mental breakdown because she always “knew” that Main Boyo could do anything, and now he’s been killed and is dead in front of her. She screams out Main Boyo’s name, hysterically begging him to save her and protect her because holy shit the love of her life has been brutally murdered in front of her what the fuck. But Main Boyo, from literally beyond the line of death, hears her pleas and snaps back to life as a monster, with the sentence “I MUST PROTECT” repeatedly running through his head and being the only sentence he ever says while in this form, with him fucking destroying Villain and even going so far as to directly hurt Other Guy when Other Guy tries to stop Main Boyo from utterly stomping on Villain. Girly is the only person Main Boyo does not directly hurt, and when Villain is damn sure gonna fuckin’ kick the bucket that is when Main Boyo reverts back human. Everyone is more than a little shocked at what happened, but it’s clear from how relieved Girly is when Main Boyo comes back safe and sound that while this event fundamentally will change their relationship (and it does), it is still one that is extremely strong and they won’t let it get between them (and they don’t).

Now, when looking at the summary, you, with your absolutely miniscule peanut of a brain, might come away thinking, “Hm, Main Boyo might kinda care for Girly given that he literally rose from the dead to protect her and only her and went back to normal once she was safe” and you poor fool would be oh so wrong, because actually, this is all proof that Mian Boyo doesn’t care for Girly and that Villain actually cared more for Girly than Main Boyo ever could.

Without diving too deeply into the absolute lunacy of the Lust Arc = Fail essay, that was its main premise. That Ichigo, after rising from the literal dead directly after Orihime begged and pleaded that he protect and save her and then going on to protect and save specifically her (as Uryu - Other Guy - is also a friend of Ichigo’s and got his fucking arm cut off by Monster!Ichigo), is proof against Ichihime being romantic in any way and was not, in fact, a fuckin’ giant neon flashing sign that read THESE TWO ARE GONNA GET TOGETHER. It was the dumbest shit ever, but Ichiruki stans, much like Edelstans with Teacher Theory, clung to it like white on rice. It didn’t matter how much it was utterly debunked, it didn’t matter how the base premise was stupid as fuck, they point to it as the pinnacle of meta for their respective fandoms in their respective spaces.

And all of this leads me to um... the one I’m kinda the most worried about?

Stan Behavior

Edelstans are their own unique brand of awful in that that the shit they spew is particularly... worrying (”genocide isn’t bad if they aren’t human and also they kinda deserved it” “imperialism isn’t that bad really” the mentally ill should be put down if they’re deemed ~too far gone~” among other... wonderful takes...), and their behavior is also quite shitty, harassing content creators that go against the Approved Opinions (Ghast) or forcing people to take down fanart and in general infecting nearly every Rhea space with all kinds of disparaging comments no one asked for. They actively make the fandom a worse space, and when they flare up it’s almost always noticeable (again, Ghast)

Bleach?

Oh boy.

Guys. If you weren’t there for the Canonization of Ichihime (2016). You dodged a fucking bullet.

The outrage was out-fuckin’-rageous. Their behavior was some of the worst reactions anyone has ever seen come from the canonization of a ship in a shounen. This includes, but is not limited to:

Someone tearing apart all 70+ volumes of Bleach and burning it in their bathroom

In fact, multiple people tearing up Bleach and burning it, while keeping the Ichiruki moments and taping it to their walls

A Rukia cosplayer, in Rukia cosplay, printing out the final color spread of the end-game couples and their friends lounging about - with colored ink and all - and burning it, while filming herself doing so

Ichiruki porn being sent to Tite Kubo

Tite Kubo being accused of grooming a 15 Orihime cosplayer with no proof

Tite Kubo being accused of lying about his various health issues

Ichigo and Rukia being drawn cheating on their spouses with each other - and some of that also being sent to Tite Kubo

Tite Kubo being chased off Twitter by Ichiruki stans... again

Ichihime shippers getting sent death threats

Ichihime shippers getting called delusional for thinking their ship had a chance before the endgame couples were revealed, and then being called delusional for thinking their ship had any real basis and wasn’t pulled “out of nowhere”

Tite Kubo being accused of hating women because of Orihime being shown in an apron in the last chapter and Ichiruki stans jumping to the conclusion she became a housewife, and then Tite Kubo being accused of hating women because when it was revealed that Orihime has a job in a bakery to pay for college later they insisted what Kubo should have done was have Uryu, who’s a doctor at that point, pay for Orihime’s college instead of having Orihime pay for it with her own money 

And mind you, this is only the stuff I’ve personally seen and experienced

I am hoping and praying that Edelstans never get as bad as Ichiruki stans did in 2016, but with how otherwise similar they are my hopes are dwindling more and more. I guess I can take solace in the fact that they aren’t quite... that bad yet? In terms of actions, at least? Their sentiments though are infinitely worse, so like... cool

#what the hell do I even tag this #i guess like #fandom observations #fandom critical #fandom criticism #yeah shit got BAD in the Bleach fandom in 2016 #and I fear what the return of the anime is gonna have in store #things already don't look good in the 3H fandom so like... yeah #wanted to get the Bleach rant off my chest for a long ass while now lol so glad I could do that #again wanna reiterate that this isn't exclusive to Bleach and 3H this is just my experience with them

[whatstheproblembaby]

AO3 Tag Meme

@klaineharmony tagged me like last week and I’m just now getting to this, oops. >.<

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

273, although I have collection of <1000 word stories that I originally posted individually on here and FFn, so technically I’ve written closer to 300 fics, probably?

2. What is your total AO3 word count?

497,239. Not half bad for a one-shotter!

3. How many fandoms have you written for and what are they?

5, if we count my Newsies/Supergirl crossover for both fandoms. The others are Glee, Riverdale, and Call the Midwife. (God, that’s eclectic to list.)

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

They’re all Klaine fics, to the surprise of absolutely no one:

1. But Now I See, my blind!Kurt/sighted!Blaine fic. (Tbh, I don’t love that I took this prompt and made the big moment in this one curing Kurt’s blindness, but I wasn’t aware of how ableist that trope is when I wrote it. I’m not going to delete it because that feels like sweeping it under the rug, but please know that I know better now.)

2. Unforgettable, a Cheerio!Kurt/nerd!Blaine AU based off this prompt: “You probably don’t remember but you saved me from some bullies once in middle school and god damn it every year you just get hotter"

3. Finally Found the Boy, a florist!Kurt/barista!Blaine AU in which I utilized every trope known to man: “#okay but combine all four: person a works at a coffeeshop #person b works at a flowershop #they start fake dating to cover for person a who's lied to their parents about meeting their soulmate #but then they do whatever thing reveals soulmates while fake dating and start REAL DATING #THE END”

4. Covert Cupid, aka your classic nerd!Kurt/jock!Blaine gift-giving AU. (You know, like Secret Santa, but for Valentine’s Day.)

5. Make A Move, a Cheerio!Blaine based off this anonymous prompt: “a klaine alternate meeting fic where one of them is working at a kissing booth and the other one keeps coming back with money and asking for kisses “for charity” and they basically end up making out in front of everybody bc the kisses are so great okay love u bye” (Yes, I DID use a One Direction lyric for the title; no, I am NOT sorry.)

5. Do you respond to comments, why or why not?

Every time! At the very least, I drop a “thank you” and a heart, because I’m just that grateful that anyone has enjoyed my fic enough TO leave a comment. If there’s a more specific comment, I try to address it, too.

6. What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

Uh, probably none of them? Happily ever after or BUST, pals.

...

Okay, I literally looked through all of my fics and this drabble is the only thing that even REMOTELY ends angstily. Plenty of my work has some kind of drama in the middle, but I firmly don’t believe in tragic endings. 

7. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve ever written?

I’ve only done one proper crossover (e.g., featuring characters from both universes), but I’ve done plenty of AUs based on other pieces of IP! My one true crossover is Just Be Real (Is All I’m Askin’), which mixes Newsies and Supergirl with a dash of past lives/reincarnation. Listen, when you put Jeremy Jordan in two things I love, I’m gonna find a way to combine those things, friends.

8. Have you ever received hate on a fic?

I once got called out for using the term “maiden name” in a fic, but I’ve never truly been flamed or anything. Hope that stays true!

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Not often, and not outside of the Klaine fandom, at least as of right now. In those fics, I leaned a little more M than E in my ratings, and there were some D/s leanings, but that’s really based on how I saw that pairing. If I ever do smut for another fandom, I may totally mix up my kinks depending on how I see the couple/throuple/etc!

10. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

I think I had some stories posted to at least one of those random pirate sites back in the day? But I’ve never been deliberately plagiarized that I know of.

11. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

I’ve definitely tried! Truffles and I worked on at least one co-authored fic once, but I don’t remember if we ever posted it.

12. What’s your all time favorite ship?

I’m only supposed to have one???

13. What was the first fandom you wrote for?

Like many Millennials, I’m sure, it was Harry Potter. If you go digging in MuggleNet FanFiction, you should be able to find my terrible acrostic poems from when I was 14.

14. What’s your favorite fic you’ve written?

Oof, again with the favorites? I have a couple that I’m more proud of than others.

Of my Call the Midwife fics, I love What’s in a Name? the most, simply because I included so many characters and feel like I managed to capture all their unique voices/personalities. And I created a moment I want to see on the show!

For Newsies, my 9k beast We Just Might Win proved to me that I can write more than 2,000 words without having to base the story on another piece of IP, and I’ll always love it for that. (And for Jack, Davey, and Kath, of course!)

I’m proud of all my Klaine fics on some level, because they unlocked a creative output level in me that I genuinely will not ever be able to match again. I think a crowd favorite of mine was my Sound of Music AU, My Heart Will Be Blessed, but if I had to pick a personal fave? I’d have to go with Destiny. Caroline @thehouseofthebrave gave me this incredible prompt for it, and I just love how I filled it.

I think a lot of people have been tagged already, so anyone who wants to do this should tag me as their tagger, but I also want to see @knightsofthegaytable‘s answers!

#also if you have a favorite of mine i want to know what it is!!

[beizhuo]

alright folks , i made this post last night about amending my carrd rules . & now , after calming somewhat down from getting sick to my stomach about it , i must now make one final update post about this to make people really & fully understand where i stand . why ? because i am , once again , having / needing to finely comb through the people i want to follow & interact with due to some very , VERY toxic behavior & terrible , childish individuals that think its real cute to stalk , harrass , steal , & gatekeep folks . 

understand that i will NOT be namedropping anybody in this post . this is not my intention . i am not out here to isolate folks or make people ‘ chose sides ’ . making people do that is absolutely horrible ! i do not give a damn who other people interact with . i do , however have extreme issues with theft ( amongst other things ) . i can draw a god damn line at theft ! 

harassment ? don’t care . you’re trolling , i can ignore you . gatekeeping . you’e petty and attention seeking im here for friends anyway . but actual literal theft - i can draw a line there . please get out & OFF MY BLOG if you are so unoriginal that you haveta steal from me or my friends !

please know that you can interact with those thieves & gatekeepers , i don’t care ! but understand that i will most likely softblock you because i genuinely do not want them to find me . no hard feelings . ( they have found my other 2 blogs , and i am tired of them finding me ! especially for baizhu ! i don’t even follow some of my friends here cause of this ! ) i am not even in the genshin community to begin with . my group ? we don’t do communities for toxic behavior and people being so exclusive to the point of driving people out & away . its distasteful and mean ! do you know that i have some friends that were cut off from communities entirely all because they were a dupe ? tHAT is the kind of dupe drama i fucking hate . along with theft . anyway . i will start from the beginning of my rules that i deem important .

DUPLICATES . ( AND MIMICRY / THEFT )

the irony that this is the first point . it is like it was a wonderful transition . anyway . this is actually having to deal with two rule points . and i want to group them together cause they are related .

myself & a few other people have come to find out that .... there is somebody AT THE VERY LEAST taking inspo from us . i will start with dupes .

my friend has a character and was WHOLLY mistaken for another mun . which is fine . that happens , but things took a turn for the worse when they were then shunned / cut off because they werent ‘ good enough ’ . do you know how HORRIBLE that is ? to be told that you aren’t good because you weren’t the mun that they wanted ? this is the type of shit i cannot stand with dupe drama . DO NOT EVER COMPARE DUPES WITH ONE ANOTHER !!! i mean it . 

i follow different childes ! and you know what i adore them both . they are both amazing ! 

sure i may have my mains / exclusives ( and im not inclined to interact with other blogs of that same character ) but i still like portrayals . i do , in fact , just READ threads sometimes . i don’t necessarily follow for interactions . like ffs man . i like variety . jesus christ .

going to mimicry / theft . you know ... i have fucking seen this with a couple of friends . there is a difference between coincidental similarities , however ! for myself & for my friends , we have SEEN inspo taken from us . im gonna say this really loud for people .

MIMICRY IS NOT FUCKING FLATTERY . 

do not take inspo from me . especially without credit . absolutely do NOT do it . you are very unoriginal for doing that shit . 

now , you like something i make / made ? you are inspired to want to make something ? fine , that’s okay , you can ALSO fucking ask me , you can also credit me . as you fucking should ! you can notify me and go , damn , i really like your style , do you mind if i use it in xyz ? sure , go right ahead . do it . im begging you , go ahead and do it IF YOU FUCKING ASK ME . god im so fucking angry about this , but this is some vile shit . and im angry .

i am angry and terrified cause i literally cannot get away from these people cause they seem to be wherever i go . i DO NOT DO COMMUNITIES BECAUSE OF THIS .

as a good friend said : it’s like they are a virus that you cannot get rid of .

thats what happens with attention seekers unfortunately , but for the sake of my safety & health , i will not have it on my blog or dash . if i see these people on my dash often , i will unfollow .

and it isn’t like a specific person , its a GROUP of people . which leads me to my next point .

DRAMA / CALLOUTS.

imagine having beef with an individual , and then going around and gatekeeping that individual and getting people to unfollow / block them . im not talking about , ‘ hey this person is vile because they ship incest ’ . i am talking about ‘ i had a disagreement with this person & they hurt my feelings >:/ they are mean and will hurt you . etc etc etc . ’ 

i do not give a flying fuck about somebodies issues with another person . so you guys don’t get along . not my problem . i have people that hate me . i have friends where i hate their friends . shit happens . i am probably absolute scum to some people lol . i get mistaken for other people sometimes . it’s fine , hate me cause you think im that person . that person is snowflake repellent anyway , go choke on your kool aide that you are drinking ig . 

okay sorry i am angry but still . people claim and cry about wanting to talk & communicate . but then . guess what . sometimes shitty people are like , so this person said this to me , and they are mean . IF YOU ARE THE PERSON THAT GOES ‘ OH MY GOD HOW DARE THEY ’ AND BLOCK THEM THEN YOU ARE THE PROBLEM . i will give an example . of using my two names that i have .

somebody goes to amphy and says ‘omg ghost said this , and im frustrated and angry with them cause what he said was uncalled for . ’ if amphy goes ‘ omg ghost is shitty ’ and then unfollows / blocks them without any other discussion , then thats an issue cause ghost has no idea wtf happen . amphy got involved in YOUR relationship with ghost even though ghost has been nothing but kind and sweet to you . you also don’t know if amphy is just victimising or being emotional either . so why they fuck would you believe somebody who is venting to you about it and then block somebody who did literally NOTHING to you .

i dont know if i explained that correctly but i will give you something more realistic , again without namedropping .

i have a few friends that hate one another . i’ve known all of them for years . but they all , i kid you not , they ALL fucking hate each other . there’s three of them . and they cannot stand each other . i just happen to be somebody who gets along with all of them . you bet your ass that at one point , they all came to talk mad shit about the others . what did i do ? i went , oh okay . well im sorry that you have issues with them . sounds like a bad experience , but i can’t do anything about that cause i am not you and i am not them . if you are gonna change my mind , it isn’t gonna happen , sorry !

i have had people shit talk people i have no idea who they are , and i just sit here just being a source for them to vent , but i never NEVER EVER act on anything i hear . why ? cause its petty drama and gossip . if you do that , then damn , sorry kiddo , get some help on that alright ? maybe be nicer . i dunno .

now . racism ? pedophilia ? incest ? HARMFUL SHIT ? that’s different . but again , theres a lot of miscommunication . i have people coming and pulling the cards like they are hot shit  and that isn’t fucking cute . THAT ISN’T CUTE GUYS . you are the problem if you try to victimize yourself cause of something YOU misinterpreted .

i have a friend that has this on their blog .

i am literally going off on a god damn tangent . anyway . :) 

fuck you if drink kool aide .

THERE ARE OTHER MENTAL DISORDERS! YOU ARE ABLEIST IS YOU ERASE THE OTHER (UN)COMMON ONES.

i know that autism is the ‘common’ one here . you are valid okay . but guess what . ADHD , BPD, DiD, and straight up depression and anxiety are also things as well ! there are MANY folks here that are also undiagnosed as well OR they lay on some sort of spectrum as well . I am once again not going to disclose my own things here cause again THAT IS PRIVATE INFO , but fuck you if you refuse to see other disabilities .

also there are physical disabilities as well btw .

if you are not understanding of any other disability , or you wanna mute / deafen other mental disorders , YOU ARE THE FUCKING PROBLEM .

end of story . 

treat other people how you want them to treat you and don’t you dare ever shove your baggage at them . thanks . 

please be more understanding that some people are not okay:tm: . 

i implore you to get help if you need help , but sometimes some people dont have to take your shit . and they most certainly do not need to sit and take your issues if they are not okay either . its toxic and very unhealthy behavior to expect others to help you . they can help you as best as they can , but you need to understand that everybody has their moments . do not guilttrip them . do not gaslight them . 

but also understand that sometimes , people are saying things cause they genuinely need help ! you can be there for them but as a friend , you need to also tell them your own boundaries as well and tell them that they need to seek professional help .

but also , if somebody refuses to get help , then that is on them . not on you . 

anyway another tangent , but back to the point . autism , while you need to understand is something you need to see and understand , is not the only mental disorder ! and you need to understand that some people suffer from really REALLY shitty things and are sometimes undiagnosed . i am really REALLY tired of depression , ADHD , BPD, and DiD getting brushed under the rug like they are not important . cause guess what , there are spectrums ! all mental health is important . fuck you if you disregard the other disorders , you are being ableist .

STOP HATE READING PEOPLE.

im really sick and tired of this . you don’t like something somebody said ? you can either : ask what they meant or block / unfollow them . 

DO NOT FUCKING STALK THEM EITHER . 

you have an obsession if you hover on their blog too .. do not do that . that is SO unhealthy for you . here is what a friend said on twitter . ( not name dropping them , just copy pasting them )

❛ i stg people need to fine a better hobby than to hate read a persons blog or profile. not a good look on you when you go and read what they post about just to get angry at something you think they said and then you go off spewing lies about it cause 'youre offended.'  

like you already hate them in the first place. you weren’t 'looking to see if they were a better person.' youre just looking to find another thing to hate about them. 

that is what hate reading is about. so you can read their posts and find just another reason to hate and laugh at how bad you think they are.

but it doesnt make you a better person. it just makes you a sad person with no life. stop hate reading people. grow tf up. go breathe on some plants or something idk.

i say this very loud and clear . if you hate read me , i live in your head rent free . not my problem . but it does become my problem if you begin to steal shit and start spewing lies about myself or my friends . grow up and move on with your life . sorry my life seems more interesting than you ig . idk .

anway this got long , and at this point i am going off on a tangent but !!!!

TL ; DR

read my rules ig . idk .

you can dm me for more info if you want . at this point i have blocked the problem blogs for myself. if you are curious you can ask . HOWEVER. i am not going to tell you to block or unfollow . why ? cause at the end of the day , it is MY beef . this are my issues . i am NOT here to gatekeep .

i will say that i will tell you IN private the for MY story . but keep in mind that it is MY story . not yours . not theirs . it is all about perception .

my perception is that they are scummy gatekeeping thieves . they gatekeep the people they dont like or are intimidated by . i am somebody who fucking bites and calls people out on their shit , because of this ? i make enemies . but my enemies are not yours . i dont care .  dont give a damn . i am intimidating to people who are cowards and i don’t care . 

if they feel bad when i call them out , if they try to go around and do damage control , then that means they are guilty .

and then you can ask yourself this : why are they reacting like that ?

i am once again going to bring up that other twitter user that i quoted before .

❛  you dont like hearing that because someone is holding a mirror up to you and it makes you uncomfortable because you know you . and you know the parts of you that are good . so in your heart you have to come up with a narrative that makes you feel better about the fact that somebody is asking your to confront the parts about yourself that you hate the most .

anyway . this got long . im so sorry for the long read . im so sorry i sounded hostile ad angry . im just volatile sometimes . im just really tired . and i dont need to come on this blog and have a panic attack . 

anyway . cheers loves ! stay happy , stay healthy . drink your fluids . take your meds !

#long post. #update tbd. #ooc tbd. #// i have no idea what else to tag this tbh . #there is drama mentions though so there is that i guess ? #but this is all important so ... #anyway ... #read / skim this or perish 🔪 #also if you wanna like this to let me know you read / agree with this go ahead . #im not checking for typos i am tired .

[spacebatisluvd]

Imp(erfection)

Summary: Clones do not have birthdays. (This is fluff, with a dash on angst.)

CW: Self-censure. I’m gonna tag for gaslighting out of an abundance of caution. Past abuse. Hordak’s horrifying view of himself, including ableist thinking.

A/N: Every time I try to use a readmore, it fails. I am going to attempt it, but please forgive me if this is a long post.

Read on AO3

[[MORE]]

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Hordak didn’t look up from his work when Imp landed beside him. “Do you have something to report?”

Imp’s wings flapped once, then he folded them neatly and sat down. He opened his mouth to play a recording:

“[Happy Birthday, Force Captain!]”

Hordak didn’t look up. “That’s fine, Imp. I’m given to understand it’s an Etherian tradition. So long as they are not overly disruptive, I allow them to celebrate if they please.”

“[Happy Birthday] [Imp].”

Now Hordak gave the little clone his full attention. “You do not have a birthday. You were not born.”

“[Lord Hordak!]” Imp punctuated the recording of Shadow Weaver with an inquisitive chi-rup?

“No. I was not born either. We were decanted; it’s not something to be celebrated.”

Imp made an angry screech before darting away, chittering unhappily.

Hordak shook his head and returned to his work, but Imp’s unhappy chatter seemed to linger. He continued his work—he was not going to put his progress on hold over something so foolish and sentimental—but at the end of the day, he ordered Imp to give him a moment alone. When he was gone, Hordak brought up the files he’d kept on Imp’s development, decanting, and conditioning.

Sitting back, he folded his hands under his chin and considered the computer screen. Imp was, technically, a failed experiment. He was flawed—severely so. He would never speak in his own voice; had Hordak not installed his recorder, he’d never speak at all. He would never reach puberty or grow past his present size, would never be a capable warrior. His brain would never fully mature.

(Big Brother would not have permitted him to develop further, after discovering the flaws in his genetic code.)

Hordak had always felt vaguely guilty about Imp. He’d intended, at the time of his decanting, to dissect him as he’d done with all his previous failures. He had been especially intent on dissecting this clone because he was the closest he’d managed to come to success—none of the others had developed as well as this one, despite his flaws.

He had been surprised when the clone took his first breath. None of the others had been compatible with life—their genetic defects were too severe for them to survive past their decanting. Imp was the first. The only.

Hordak should have severed his brainstem at that moment. It’s what Big Brother would have ordered. It’s what any true Horde scientist would have done. Imperfections were not permitted in the Horde, and Imp was as imperfect as they came.

Yet the clone had cooed softly, followed by a chirp. Unable to help himself Hordak had chirped back, his ears twitching, then dismissed it as instinct and nothing more. The clone reached out a grasping hand, the fingers so small. His wings fluttered and he turned his head this way and that, blearily regarding the world with open curiosity. He chirped again, and with a stab of guilt, Hordak knew he would not cut the child’s brainstem as he should.

(When Big Brother came— He shut the thought down, unwilling to confront it.)

He’d designed a custom conditioning program for him after that. Some of his force captains began calling the clone Imp, after an Etherian myth, and despite his attempts to curb it, the name had stuck. It hardly seemed worth fighting; what harm was there in a name?

(Big Brother would not approve.)

Studying his notes, he saw nothing worth celebrating here. If anything, he should be ashamed of his sentimentality. It was, surely, a sign of his own defects and imperfections that he had allowed the flawed clone to live, had allowed him to be named. (Big Brother had surely known he was so deficient. He could see into the hearts and minds of the Horde; he would have known that Hordak’s defects ran deeper than mere muscle and bone.)

Nevertheless, he took note of the date of Imp’s decanting. He made no plans, didn’t allow himself to fully consider what he was doing or why.

(When Big Brother returned, he could know nothing of this, couldn’t be allowed to see it in Hordak’s thoughts. The things he could not hide were damning enough.)

Then he shut down the computer and went to remove his armor, carefully thinking of nothing in particular.

-

It was nothing so sentimental as a birthday present. That was a foolish, Etherian tradition, and he would take no part in it. It was merely an annual gift—an acknowledgment of Imp’s service. So it happened to fall on the same day he’d been decanted? What of it? The date was meaningless—he only gave it meaning by choosing to reward Imp for his work on that specific day.

He was not, would never, celebrate something as meaningless as the day of decanting of a flawed clone of a flawed clone!

So when Imp, on receiving the extra ration bar and the apple on that completely meaningless day, had asked, “[Birthday?]” Hordak reiterated—

“Don’t be absurd. You were not born. You do not have a birthday.”

Imp nuzzled his hand anyway, before screeching in victory as he flew away with his prizes. Hordak merely shook his head and returned to his work, pretending not to notice the slight smile on his own face or the subtle warmth in his chest.

He upheld that tradition for years, never acknowledging that the gifts were anything other than a reward for good work. Then everything changed.

Big Bro—Horde Prime was gone. He and Imp were free of him.

Forever.

Some days that was...overwhelming. Some days it left him feeling lost. Before, he’d been imbued with purpose—misguided, perhaps, but purpose nonetheless—but now, sometimes it felt like he had nothing. Usually, on those days, Entrapta would wrap him in her hair and whisper soft words—good words, kind words, words he didn’t deserve but needed so desperately—until he could catch his breath and he remembered that he had a new, better purpose now. It was not as simple—strange that making a life with Entrapta and their unconventional family was somehow more complicated than galactic conquest—but it was infinitely more rewarding.

Which left him considering his current predicament.

Imp’s decanting day was tomorrow. Ration bars and fresh fruit had been reward enough in war time, but that would hardly be a treat now. Furthermore, this was the first time that Imp could have a proper birthday. No longer under the shadow of his ‘brother’s’ disapproval, Hordak was free to acknowledge their silly, sentimental tradition without shame or fear of reprisal. The problem was, he had no idea how to do that.

So he did what he always did when he had a troubling question:

“Entrapta?”

She peered at him from under the large mech she was repairing. “Yeah?”

“What do Etherians usually do to celebrate their birthdays?”

She cocked her head, thinking. “Well. They usually give presents and eat cake—or another dessert if the birthday-person doesn’t like cake.”

He nodded. Imp liked cake well enough. “What kind of presents?”

“Whatever the birthday-person likes, I guess?”

His ears flexed. Imp seemed to enjoy wrestling with stuffed animals until they were nearly falling apart. A stuffed animal, perhaps? “Thank you,” he said, leaving her to her mech.

She darted after him, leaning out of the doorway, supported by her hair. “Um? Hordak? You know my birthday is months away, right?”

His eyes widened and his cheeks flushed. “I...did not. You will tell me the date as it gets closer?”

“Oh, of course!”

He thanked her again and walked toward the kitchens, cheeks still hot. He hadn’t even thought about Entrapta! Of course she had a birthday! Thankfully, it seemed he had some time to consider that more carefully. Finding an appropriate present for Entrapta would be a good deal harder than finding one for Imp.

He spoke to both the baker and seneschal about acquiring a cake and a stuffed animal, though they had seemed unnerved by his request. He wasn’t fully sure why—perhaps he was doing something wrong? He knew that commanding an army was different from managing a kingdom, but he‘d gotten better at keeping his temper in check. Perhaps he’d speak to Entrapta about that as well....

The next morning, after approving both cake and stuffed animal, he dismissed the baker and seneschal and waited. Imp knew what day it was, and he would find his maker when he woke up and there weren’t any extra rations or pieces of fruit beside his bed.

He did not expect Entrapta to find him first. She came in through one of her hidden doors, welding mask down as she studied the cake and the toy. He didn’t say anything, just allowed her to examine everything. One rope of hair scratched the top of her head, then she shrugged and lifted the mask. “Okay, I give up. What are you doing?”

He crossed his arms. “It’s not obvious?” His ears flexed.

“Well,” she drew out the word, as if rolling it around in her mouth, “given your questions yesterday, I have to assume this is supposed to be a birthday cake and a birthday present.”

He nodded firmly. “Yes.” He paused, considering her word choice. “Am I doing this correctly?”

“Mostly? I mean, kind of—the cake usually has a message on it, like, ‘Happy Birthday!’” She raised her hands to either side of her head as she said it, as if emphasizing the words. “And there’s decorations in frosting—“

He frowned. “This is not enough frosting?” It seemed like more than enough to him.

“That’s not really the point? It’s just supposed to be more colorful. Exciting—fun!” She widened her stance and threw her arms open, as if mimicking an explosion. Which, considering the things Entrapta considered to be ‘fun’, was as likely as anything else. She retracted her limbs all at once. “Oh, and the present is supposed to be wrapped.”

He blinked. “In what?”

“Paper!” He cocked his head, staring down at the stuffed toy and trying to figure out how that could possibly improve it. “By the way, who’s this for, anyw—?”

Imp’s irritated screeching interrupted her reply. He came barreling out of one of the vents, hair raised in a crest and ears flat. He flew immediately to Hordak, then kicked his shin in fury, still screeching. Hordak looked down at him, cocking his head in question. Grumpy, Imp crossed his arms and sat heavily on the floor, turning his back. “Is something the matter?”

With a glare, Imp looked at him over his shoulder and played a short recording. “[Forgot]”! He punctuated that with an angry huff, though the way he started playing with his tail made it clear he wasn’t merely angry—he was disappointed as well.

Trying not to smirk, Hordak set first the cake and then the toy in front of him. “I forgot nothing.” He hesitated for just a moment, then ruffled Imp’s hair, jostling it out of the angry crest. “Happy Birthday, Imp.”

Imp stared at him, eyes wide. Then he opened his mouth and played an old recording. “[You do not have a birthday. You were not born.]”

Hordak shrugged. “Happy decanting day, then.”

Imp stood all at once and tackled him, hugging his leg so tight he could feel it through his armor. Not entirely sure what to do about this development, he looked to Entrapta for help, but she was only staring at him, wide-eyed. “Aw, Hordak....” There were tears in her eyes, and for a moment he was worried he’d done something very wrong, but then her hair coiled around them both and she pressed her hand to his chest, smiling broadly. “You should have told me what you were doing! We could have had a party to celebrate!”

His features softened, a subtle smile playing at his mouth. Warmth spread through his chest, and he laid his hand atop hers. It was a good moment. But he had to ask—

“What’s a party?”

#entrapdak #hordak #entrapta #hordapta #imp #horde prime #content warning #gaslighting #abuse #ablist language #ableist language #longpost #ao3 link

[buckyistired]

Why Bucky Barnes Isn’t Damaged Goods, Take Two

Since tumblr is a big ol butthead and ate my first post on the subject, and I apparently write essays on Bucky Barnes for fun, here is take two on why Bucky Barnes isn’t damaged goods. Why should I care enough to spend another several hours re-writing this? Because it is not ok to call survivors of traumatic events damaged. Period. End of story. It was a lousy choice of words that could easily be misinterpreted, and I would have been willing to leave it at that, if the writers and directors didn’t keep talking and digging that hole a little deeper. So...here we go. Again. I’m on my soapbox and the view is great.

In less than an hour of screen time over seven films, the Marvel Cinematic Universe gave us a complex, beloved character that walks the line between victim and villain with a murder-strut swagger. Bucky Barnes is as lonesome and dangerous as he is charming and sarcastic. Many fans have fallen in love or seen themselves reflected in Bucky’s trials and triumphs; he’s truly an awesome, multi-faceted character, but unfortunately, fans seem to be of the few who realize this.

Recent comments made by both MCU directors and writers regarding Bucky’s mental state have…bothered me and I thought, well, let’s examine the evidence that Bucky is damaged, shall we?

Obligatory disclaimer: I am not a mental health professional; I have PTSD and use these strategies myself, but nothing I’ve written should preclude you from seeking a professional opinion if you need it. Talking with a therapist about my PTSD helped me get light years ahead in terms of recovery. Whatever path you choose, take care of you.

What is PTSD?

Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a mental health condition that's triggered by a terrifying event — either experiencing it or witnessing it.

Does Bucky Barnes have PTSD?

By definition, Bucky has experienced or witnessed the following traumatic events:

WWII. Bucky served as an active soldier during WWII, in the trenches and on the battlefields. He was a distinguished sniper and a Sergeant, which means he witnessed and contributed to the war effort to an even further degree. Many soldiers had “battle fatigue” or “shell shock” during the war; it is not unlikely that Bucky would have experienced this from WWII alone if he had survived and returned home.

Prisoner of War. Bucky was captured and tortured as a prisoner of war, not once, but twice. He was experimented on in his time in Azzano, before he was captured again by Zola/Hydra.

The Fall. Bucky shouldn’t have survived the fall from the train in the Alps. He watched as Steve tried to save him and failed, and he was cognizant as he fell to his presumed death and as he was then captured.

Disability. As established in flashback scenes, Bucky was conscious when he fell from the train and as he was being pulled through the snow by his captors (who he may have assumed were saviors at that point, double ouch). He woke up to his arm being removed and replaced. This kind of permanent change to his body would be difficult enough to work through in a peaceful recovery environment. We know that Bucky didn’t get that luxury.

Hydra/The Winter Soldier decades. The cryochamber. Being strapped to a table and experimented on. The chair. Having no control over your own mind or body. Being forced to murder; being trapped in a continuous war. This torture lasted for 70 years.

Civil War. Free from Hydra, Bucky is trying to live the good life, keep his head down, and stay out of trouble. Then boom, he’s blamed for a bombing that kills how many people? And he’s right in the middle of Tony and Steve’s fallout? Oh, and he loses his arm, again? And then he willingly goes back into cryofreeze? Ok. That’s like 16 traumatic events in the space of 24-48 hours, also known as Bucky Barnes and the No Good Very Bad Day.

Battle Against Thanos and The Snapture, Part 1. Just as Bucky gets to the point where he’s living the good live and recovering from the trauma that has been pretty much his entire life, Thanos shows up, and Bucky is off to another battlefield. Then, he dies. Sort of. Again. How many times is this now?

Battle Against Thanos and The Snapture, Part 2. Bucky gets unsnapped and has approximately two seconds of “yay!” before he is again fighting on a battlefield for his life and the lives of those he cares about and oh, for the entire world.

A common thread here is that all of these traumatic experiences included a near brush with death or a near constant threat to his person. We don’t even really know the extent of the trauma Bucky endured when he was captured by Hydra. Regardless, I just listed eight different traumatic events that Bucky has experienced or witnessed. I think, yes, it’s safe to say that poor Bucky has PTSD, big-time.

So, is Bucky Barnes damaged?

No. Bucky Barnes is an individual who have survived more than his fair share of traumatic events, and as such, his brain has had to compensate for how he thinks, processes, and responds to stimuli. He does, at one point, suffer from literal brain damage from the chair, but we are shown in Black Panther that Shuri has healed the physical damage to his brain.

If Bucky experienced permanent damage from his trauma, he would be incapable of living his life. Literally. If he suffered from PTSD and did not actively try to take measures to cope with it, he would not be able to function; his brain wouldn’t let him. (In my opinion, he still would not be “damaged” because people with mental health issues are still people who deserve respect and shouldn’t be talked about like feral animals, but hey, moving past ableist language is apparently too much to ask and I digress).

Anyways, my point is that Bucky is not only aware of his condition, but actively takes steps to treat it, therefore, he cannot be of a damaged mind. And I’m gonna prove it.

Bucky Barnes: PTSD Symptoms and Coping Strategies

Bucky exhibits both positive and negative coping strategies throughout the films as his journey to recovery progresses, sometimes back to back, which is a great, realistic choice, because it shows that recovery is not linear.

Avoidance

Avoidance occurs when a person avoids thoughts or feelings about a traumatic event; it can interfere with emotional recovery and healing and is a common reaction to trauma.

The first step in treating any illness is recognizing the need for treatment. In Captain America: The First Avenger we see Bucky actively avoid recognizing his trauma after being rescued from Azzano. He’s putting on a strong face in the name of avoidance (“Let’s hear it for Captain America!”) but he’s also suffering.

Source: https://cogentranting.tumblr.com/post/174225812218/comic-bucky-phdna-bluandorange-edgebug

There’s an additional scene in this film that, while played for laughs and parallels between Bucky and Steve, has always meant more to me. When the Howlies are all gathered in a bar, drinking, laughing, and having a good time, Bucky is by himself in the back room (avoiding friends) where it’s quiet (avoiding loud disturbances that could rock him) and he can keep an eye on his surroundings (being overly alert). His uniform is disheveled and he’s lost that cocky Sergeant Barnes signature look. When Peggy walks in and completely ignores him, this is Bucky’s reaction:

Source: https://steviebarnes.tumblr.com/post/181821865007/steve-little-shit-rogers

I don’t think Bucky was exaggerating here. Everything he’s been through lately is a horrible dream. We don’t talk about this scene enough in terms of how it shows Bucky’s vulnerability; it’s really the first hint we have that Bucky has lost a part of himself during this war.

Engaging in Dangerous Behavior/Overworking

In Captain America: The First Avenger, we witness Bucky deploying a negative coping strategy for the first time: over dedication to his work that suggests he’s overcompensating as a way of avoiding thinking about his trauma. Engaging in reckless or dangerous behavior also is a symptom of PTSD. Bucky continuously experiences new stressful situations, which ultimately will extend his healing time. For example, he willingly goes on a mission to capture Zola, the man who strapped him to a lab table and pumped him full of knock-off super soldier serum. Seeing the doctor again would be enough to trigger Bucky into an episode but he goes anyways because his dedication to the mission is more important to him than his mental stability.

Source: https://n-barnes.tumblr.com/post/170542194046/bucky-with-the-guns

Now, this is still an active war zone. The necessity of the Howling Commando missions to win the war means that Bucky doesn’t really have time to process what’s happened to him; he’s incapable of coping in a healthy way at this point and charging forward, continuing to work, is the only way he knows how to survive.

Bucky has a bad habit of not avoiding his triggers when he feels the mission is more important than his mental health. A common theme throughout every film is that Bucky is put into one dangerous situation right after another, usually immediately following a five minute breather.

In Captain America: The Winter Soldier, we see glimpses of Bucky Winter being pulled in and out of cryofreeze, placed on mission after mission. The one time we begin to see that there’s more to Winter than they’d have us believe is when Bucky’s memories surface for a hot minute in the bank vault. He has about 30 seconds of downtime where he’s aware and then…wipe him. Back on the mission to kill Captain America. Everything about his time as the Winter Soldier was dangerous; it’s not like Hydra really cared about his physical or mental health. All those years of trauma and overworking probably crashed down on Bucky, hard, the moment he was in control of his own mind again and able to rest. And his brain was in physical shambles on top of it. Poor Bucky.

Source: https://mishasteaparty.tumblr.com/post/93678343244/prep-him

Similarly, in Captain America: Civil War, we get this amazing scene:

Source: https://mackievanstan.tumblr.com/post/176453875698/let-him-rest

And another in Avengers: Infinity War:

Source: https://mackievanstan.tumblr.com/post/176453875698/let-him-rest

Once again, Bucky keeps getting thrown back into the middle of a fight when he needs to be resting. This is a very, very bad idea. Super bad. Could really fuck with Bucky’s mental health permanently, bad. This is pretty much the definition of overworking to a detrimental degree.

But what I really love about his reactions in both of these scenes is that he knows exactly how poor of an idea it is. He knows continuing to fight isn’t good for him and he’s exhausted. He goes willingly anyways, but he has this amazing control over himself at this point. Every single fight could have Bucky experiencing an episode and losing himself to the trauma; he doesn’t. (To be fair, I think this is what the Russos were hinting at but they could have worded it so much better). Bucky could have walked away. He could have surrendered in Bucharest, he could have hidden in Wakanda. He fought anyways.

This shows just how complex Bucky’s PTSD really is and how well he’s coping with it: he’s engaging in dangerous behaviors which could trigger him, but he’s doing so with awareness and self-actualization. He’s got a handle on himself. These coping behaviors directly contradict the Russos’ statement that you “don’t want to give another weapon to that guy, it could end up being used the wrong way.” With the exception of being literally triggered with the Winter Soldier code words (which are no longer a threat because good job, Shuri), Bucky fights the good fight every single time. He doesn’t go rogue. He doesn’t lose himself.

Yeah, if that doesn’t make him a hero, I don’t know what further proof I can provide, because he does this in literally every single film.

Active Coping

Active coping means accepting the impact of trauma on your life, taking direct action to improve things, and creating habits that help you respond to everyday life in a positive manner. Avoiding triggers - people, places, anniversaries, or other reminders of the traumatic event - can be a healthy coping strategy.

The first time we see Bucky take a step toward positive active coping is in Captain America: The Winter Soldier:

Source: https://thatpleasantnightmare.tumblr.com/post/147118407198

Bucky just escaped being a prisoner, was injured in a gruesome fight with his best friend, and is now on the run. What’s one of the first things he does? Research. More than that, in this scene, Bucky is clean, in civilian clothing of his choosing, and appears to have treated his injuries from the fight on the carriers. His eyes are clear and although he is in a public (read: dangerous) setting, he’s aware of his surroundings, has a calm grip on reality, and is processing information. This is Bucky taking the first step to actively reclaiming his identity. This is when we see him begin to heal and he’s doing it on his own. He’s on step one of learning to actively cope: accepting the impact of the trauma on your life.

Bucky continues to exhibit positive coping strategies on his own as time moves forward, as we see in Captain America: Civil War. By the time we meet up with Bucky in Romania, he’s already taken direct action to improve his situation. When we first see Bucky, he’s at a local market, smiling and engaging in conversation with a vendor while he buys produce. He looks good; is physically fit, is practicing hygiene, and is in clean clothes that protect his identity.

Source: https://buckybgrnes.tumblr.com/post/174829011372

I love this scene and specifically the way Sebastian played it, because we see Bucky exhibit positive and negative coping strategies nearly back to back. As he’s trying for normal, he’s also hyper aware of his surroundings, unwilling to let his guard down. He’s scanning for anything that could trigger him or endanger his health, but he is aware. Staying alert and on guard is a classic symptom of PTSD.

Source: https://kittyseb.tumblr.com/post/144559460240/this-whole-scene-of-bucky-on-the-streets-of

However, we have to understand that Bucky’s situation requires this sort of hyper vigilance. He’s a wanted man, both by Hydra and the CIA, and he’s actively being hunted. So although Bucky is displaying a classic symptom of PTSD, what we see here is him deploying a positive strategy for coping. By staying aware to his surroundings, he’s protecting himself. This is opposite to the kind of harmful behavior we should expect from him at this point in his recovery. He’s by himself, without any support, and has to look over his shoulder every block to make sure that he’s safe. Extreme hyper vigilance would show being Bucky afraid to leave his apartment altogether. Again, while he is suffering and displaying symptoms of active post traumatic stress, he’s also actively coping by taking direct action to improve his circumstances and creating habits that improve his daily life.

Through the entirety of the Romania scene in Captain America: Civil War, we catch glimpses of other healthy habits and positive coping strategies Bucky has developed.

Practicing Mindfulness

One really great blink-and-you-miss-it detail from the film is the existence of Bucky’s journals. As Steve goes through Bucky’s stuff (really, Steve?), you see him pick up a journal from the top of Bucky’s fridge. Inside are notes, memories, and references, categorized and marked by tabs. This is one of my favorite examples of Bucky using another strategy for coping with PTSD: mindfulness.

Source: a shitty screenshot I took from the movie.

Mindfulness: a mental state achieved by focusing one's awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one's feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations, used as a therapeutic technique. Mindfulness may help people get back in touch with the present moment, as well as reduce the extent with which they feel controlled by unpleasant thoughts and memories.

This is an extremely positive practice for Bucky, because at this point in the films, he’s still suffering from brain damage and memory loss. We see several examples of Bucky shaking his head, blinking, and losing himself to possible memories throughout the films. Journaling, as a way to capture those memories, categorize them, and begin rebuilding a timeline of his life, can help Bucky identify his triggers, work through episodes, and ultimately distinguish between past memories and the present, enabling him to regain control of his mind.

Maintaining a Healthy Lifestyle

When Bucky appears on screen, we see that he’s physically fit and obviously taking care of himself. We can assume that during his time as the Winter Soldier, Hydra kept Bucky in peak physical condition in order to succeed in every mission. Whether that was through training, supplements, drugs, the super soldier serum, etc., we don’t know. We don’t see Bucky continuing this training, but we do see the results of it. He’s capable of fighting, obviously maintaining his strength, and he’s able to run away.

Source: https://captaincentenarian.tumblr.com/post/149852437382/bucky-running-majestic-hair-appreciation

We also witness Bucky making healthy choices in terms of food. He’s got energy/protein bars in his apartment, snacks readily available, pots and pans which would imply he has been cooking, and even a thermos to keep himself hydrated. He’s doing his best to maintain his physical health, which in and of itself is a very positive coping method. He could be depressed, lost in his own mind, never getting out of bed. But Bucky wants to survive, he wants to be better, and so he takes care of himself. This is a good thing.

If you haven’t seen it, please read this post about Bucky’s apartment, because it hits on so many great points about how Bucky is taking care of himself.

Recognizing and Avoiding Triggers

Now for as many positive steps Bucky has taken to actively cope with having PTSD, he’s got awful luck when it comes to avoiding his triggers. It’s two steps forward, one step back, every time.

At the beginning of Captain America: Civil War, Bucky is trying his damndest to avoid being caught. But stupid Zemo has other plans.

Look, it’s hard for me to describe what happens next in the film. The way that Sebastian played these scenes will never not give me chills. We get an up close and personal view of Bucky’s PTSD in ways we’ve only caught glimpses of up until now; I don’t know what Sebastian researched in order to create this performance, but it is so spot on that it’s difficult to watch. I wish he got more credit for his acting and it’s a damn waste that he only had 30 seconds of screen time in subsequent movies. *sigh*

Anyways...

We see the acceptance and the fear in Bucky’s eyes as the CIA takes him into custody. He’s maintaining his composure, more than he should be capable of doing at this point, and he’s also letting himself slip into a safe zone (“I don’t want to talk about it.”). Until Zemo begins reading the trigger words.

Source: https://cvssian.tumblr.com/

Good grief, y’all. Look at him struggling. Bucky literally tried to fight his way out of being triggered, but he failed. Every fear he’s had for the past several years is happening. He’s losing control of his mind, of everything he’s worked so hard for up to this point. I don’t want to look too far into this as a commentary on Bucky’s character, because I don’t think the writers meant for it to be the deep - it serves more as a plot point to get us to the war part of Civil War - but if you stop and examine it for just a second, this scene is an absolute outrage. I can’t believe this happened to Bucky’s mind. They turned him into a weapon, again. They stripped him of years of hard work and recovery.

Source: https://brolinjosh.tumblr.com/

Thankfully - thankfully - one quick hit to the head later, and Bucky’s back. Not only is he aware of his surroundings, he’s cognizant enough to try playing dumb to Sam and Steve at first. I like the conversation that takes place between Bucky and Steve here, because Bucky was smart enough to give Steve exactly what he needed to hear to prove that Bucky was no longer a threat. We don’t talk about Bucky’s raw intelligence enough, likely because we’re always talking about his grief, and this scene gives us one of the rare moments in the film where we get to witness Bucky strategizing. He was just triggered, his brain is mush, he just lost control of himself, and then immediately after, he’s back on mission. We’re back to avoidance/no time to process. Bucky tucks being triggered as Winter into his back pocket to be dealt with on another day.

Remember how I said Bucky keeps getting thrown into fights, one after another? Guess what.

Source: https://captaincentenarian.tumblr.com/post/149852437382/bucky-running-majestic-hair-appreciation

There are a lot of significant, interesting parallels happening between Captain America: The First Avenger and Captain America: Civil War. The plot goes like this: Bucky was captured and actively tortured; Steve rescued him; they have no time to discuss what’s just happened and deal with it; and then Bucky is forced into another fight before he’s ready.

We can draw a lot of comparisons between the Howlies and Team Cap here and I wish that they had made the effort to explore this more in the film. This is the first time Bucky and Steve are fighting on the same team again since the war. Bucky is following Steve’s lead, even though he doesn’t know the people he’s fighting with/against, and he’s doing it because it’s for the greater good. They have to stop the other winter soldiers; the mission always comes first.

The biggest difference between the two films - and Bucky’s current state of mind - is that in The First Avenger, Bucky was actively avoiding recognizing his trauma after very similar events occurred, and in Civil War, not only does Bucky acknowledge what happened to him, we get this very poignant scene that’s both beautiful and devastating:

Source: https://bifelicitys.tumblr.com/post/182734674220/what-you-did-all-those-years-it-wasnt-you-you

This is a healthy outlook of acceptance and Bucky arrived there with nearly no outside assistance up to this point. This man has been through hell and back in the past 24 hours, on top of a hundred years of tragedy, and instead of breaking down as any reasonable person would, he fights. He has a long way to go in his recovery, but look how far he’s gotten on his own. And this is before Shuri’s help. Bucky’s willpower, tenacity, and depth of character never ceases to amaze me.

This is especially true with what happens next. You know how I said Bucky has awful luck in avoiding his triggers? Well...does walking back into the base of your own free volition where you were held prisoner and tortured for decades, count as maybe, oh I dunno, an event that should be avoided at all costs?

I’m being sarcastic but the depth of this moment shouldn’t be overlooked. Bucky going back to Siberia after everything he’s been through is a huge step backwards for his recovery. Siberia is crawling with triggers, from the threat of the other soldiers, to the cryo chambers, to the chair that wiped his memories and turned him into the Winter Soldier. The amount of bravery it took for Bucky Barnes to walk back into this place can’t be measured. He’s looking his history dead in the eyes with a shaky finger on a trigger and the fact that he doesn’t crack is astounding.

But then...this happens.

Source: https://tonystark.co/post/165333715841/buckys-facial-expressions-as-tonys-watches-the

I can barely stand to watch this because we are seeing Bucky actively having a PTSD episode. As the tape plays, Bucky is dissociating; he’s not there in the room with Steve and Tony, he’s back on the country road where he killed the Starks. The fear and the tears in his eyes, the recognition of what’s playing on the tape, and the knowledge of what’s about to happen are too much. His reaction here shows that he’s barely in control. He immediately responds to Tony lunging at him by raising his gun, an instinctive response, only to lower his weapon seconds later because of the acceptance of what he’s done. This is brutal and heartbreaking and very real.

It gets worse.

Source: https://itsawkwardfanboi.tumblr.com/post/176703555531/breaks-my-heart-seeing-him-about-to-pass-out

Bucky snapped in desperation and we witness him lose control in his battle with PTSD. It is very common for fight or flight to kick in under extreme circumstances and pressure; Bucky tried to escape, to avoid this outcome, but he couldn’t. The only thing he had left was to fight. We see Bucky lose control, not as Tony is threatening him, but because Steve is threatened. Bucky was fighting Tony, not to harm him, but to stop him, and not to protect himself, but to protect Steve. It’s an entirely different fighting style than Winter; it’s meant to disarm, not to destroy. Even though Bucky just experienced multiple triggers and traumatic events in a short timeframe, even though he is smack dab right in the middle of a traumatic episode, he still only wants to stop the fight, not kill. This is another example of how the Russos’ comments were unfair and incorrect. Bucky doesn’t go on murderous rampages; he tries to do what’s right. And what happens to him because of it?

He loses. Every single time.

Source: https://marvelworlduniverse.tumblr.com/post/172306346232

I will never forgive the writers for making Bucky lose his arm twice. Bucky has a real disability and it has always bothered me that his arm is only ever discussed as a weapon. The trauma from losing his arm the first time was never properly dealt with and here we are again, recycling that awful, painful, horrible plot point. There comes a certain point where you’ve hurt the characters enough and it does nothing for their character development. The grief, pain, and acceptance we see in Bucky’s eyes as he’s lying there wrecks me. He didn’t need to experience this. He’s been through enough. I don’t know how he’s still physically alive or not mentally lost without hope of recovery. But he is. He gets back up. And you know what he does next?

He asks for help.

Asking for Support

An important part of recovery is having a team of people around you to support you when times are tough. It is amazing to me that Bucky got as far as he did in his recovery, finding positive coping strategies and habits on his own while on the run.

Source: https://juliastiles.tumblr.com/post/178049225734/captain-america-civil-war-2016-dir-anthony

The acknowledgement of Bucky’s trauma in this scene was poignant and bittersweet and I’m very glad they included it, although I feel Steve here. It was sad to see Bucky go back into cryo, but it was necessary until the triggers could be safely removed.

And they were. This is my biggest issue with what the Russos said - they seemed to have either forgotten or refused to acknowledge what happened in Black Panther, when Shuri successfully removed the triggers and healed Bucky’s brain damage (cough, I know which one I’m placing my bets on, cough). We don’t disrespect Shuri like that in this house.

Source: http://stevechoosesbucky.tumblr.com/post/173521604559

From this point forward, Bucky’s brain is no longer damaged. He is no longer experiencing memory loss, nor is he capable of being triggered into Winter Soldier mode. Yes, he still has PTSD. Yes, he will need to continue to work on his recovery, just like Steve, just like Sam. And he does.

Speaking of Sam, this tidbit from Avengers: Endgame is really satisfying.

Source: https://paper-storm.tumblr.com/post/184537376766/can-we-talk-for-a-second-about-how-bucky-was-a

This moment is important because it shows that 1) Bucky is still very vulnerable and dealing with a lot of grief; the last time he saw Tony wasn’t exactly on the best of terms and now Bucky can never make up for what he did, and 2) Sam is an invaluable person to have at your side and a very, very good friend.

It’s hard to tell where we will go from here in the series/the next round of films, but I have a suggestion for a direction: get Bucky back to his positive coping strategies. Such as...

Spending Time Outdoors/With Animals

Before the battle in Avengers: Infinity War, we catch up with Bucky doing something seemingly very out of character: farming. Look, my blog name is Bucky the Farmer, it should tell you all you need to know about how much this tickled me when I first saw it. But upon further reflection, I realized how important this activity actually is.

Source: https://steverogersnotebook.tumblr.com/post/179505503935/bucky-in-wakanda-initial-recovery-vs-settled

It’s been shown that spending time in nature and around animals can have positive soothing effects on people who are recovering from trauma. Have you ever gone on a nice walk after a bad day to calm your mind, or spent a few minutes petting a dog? Do you exercise as a form of stress relief? It’s the same thing.

But what we’re also seeing here is Bucky taking responsibility for living beings beyond himself. He’s also interacting with children, an innocent and safe way to re-socialize himself. At this point, Bucky is past the stages of recovery where he needs to avoid, acknowledge, or actively cope with his trauma. He’s healing. He’s moving forward and learning how to live again, not just surviving day by day.

What happens next?

Prior to The Snapture, Bucky’s life was in Wakanda. Avengers: Endgame left quite a few stones unturned when it comes to Bucky’s future; we know that he’s in New York, that he won’t carry the shield, and seemingly, he and Sam are friends. He might hang out with Old Steve every now and again, visit his home in Brooklyn, or get a few goats. Maybe he’ll go back to Wakanda. Maybe he’ll be a part of the Avengers. We don’t know what Bucky will do next.

Regardless as to what happens, Bucky is in a good place. He’s experienced loads of trauma, but the physical and mental effects have been treated. His brain is not damaged and he’s continuing to recover. And when he’s ready, which I believe will be sooner than we think, he’s going to kick utter ass.

Bucky is still one of the most badass characters to ever be created; he’s efficiently deadly, a skilled fighter, the world’s best assassin. Those skills haven’t disappeared because he’s now in control of himself (and, some of those skills he had before he was the Winter Soldier; they were what made him a prime candidate in the first place. Remember, the Winter Soldier was supposed to be an equal foe to Captain America).

But he’s also so much more. Bucky has chosen to be morally good. A man who knows he can be the deadliest person in the room but chooses not to be is powerful. Is this not a direct callback to Erskine’s conversation with Steve in The First Avenger? Remember, Captain America is not a perfect soldier. He is a good man.

Bucky Barnes is a good man, no matter what trauma he’s experienced. So is Sam Wilson.

I absolutely believe it was the right choice for Sam to take up the shield at this moment in time. Let’s just get that out of the way, no Sam hate here. But I have a problem with the idea that Bucky couldn’t take up the shield because “he’s damaged” and that’s why it went to Sam instead. The Russos’ statements were insulting to both characters. Sam didn’t get the shield because Bucky wasn’t ready to carry it; Sam got the shield because it was right and he earned it. Sam deserves to be Cap just as much as Bucky deserves to take a damn nap. They don’t need to knock Bucky down in order to lift Sam up. It was a deliberate choice of words and it was wrong.

On some level, I understand what the writers and directors were trying to say: Bucky simply isn’t ready. And yet, they continue to speak about Bucky as if he’s weak, a villain, and permanently broken; I don’t think they can truly grasp how much of a complex and compelling character he really is. They had years to prepare a wise, thoughtful answer to the question of Bucky’s future and instead, they spouted off some ableist bullshit. They could take this character that embodies so much of what’s good and evil, right and wrong, fearful and hopeful, and use him to speak to hundreds if not thousands of individuals about the importance of never giving up and letting yourself find peace. They do this perfectly with Steve (“I can do this all day”) and Sam (“Are you going to carry it in a big suitcase or little man-purse?”) but why not with Bucky?

We just don’t know. But Bucky Barnes surely deserves better.

Source: https://captain-flint.tumblr.com/post/184564356218/bucky-barnes-in-avengers-endgame-looking-like-a

Recovering from trauma is an ongoing, nonlinear process. All Marvel characters have gone through some form of traumatic events and recovery. Bucky has experienced more than his fair share, but he will always survive, because that’s what he does. Now, he has the opportunity to thrive, if only the writers and directors will let him.

Sources:

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/post-traumatic-stress-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20355967

https://www.ptsd.va.gov/understand/what/index.asp

https://www.ptsd.va.gov/gethelp/selfhelp_coping.asp

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/ptsd-trauma/ptsd-symptoms-self-help-treatment.htm/

#bucky barnes deserves better #bucky barnes #avengers: endgame #endgame #russo brothers #tw: ptsd #the unknown future of james buchanan barnes

[sammysdewysensitiveeyes]

Part 3 of my meandering “Maximus and Fabian team-up to kidnap Luna” fanfic, based on the brilliant ideas of @thecorteztwins.  I’m afraid I didn’t manage to get them naked in front of a crowd, but they do have another kind of clothing mishap.

Apologies for Fabian’s vague homophobia, and for the ableist insults that some of the characters throw at Max. 

There were two things wrong in this situation as far as Fabian could tell.  

           One – Fabian and Maximus were in a department store with Luna, the child they had kidnapped, just twenty minutes after said kidnapping.  Maximus was making no attempt to blend in, and their change from coveralls into casual clothing presented a flimsy disguise at best.

           Two – Fabian and Maximus were in a department store with Luna, spending Fabian’s money.

           Luna, whom Fabian had previously known as such a sweet, quiet, well-behaved child, had pouted and whined and threatened tears if she were not plied with gifts.  Obviously her time among the royals of Attilan had entirely spoiled her, despite their extremely neglectful parenting styles.  So now they were spending valuable time that they really did not have, waiting for an eleven year-old girl to decide between T-shirts emblazoned with different pastel ponies.  And because Prince Maximus of Attilan was used to having all the finer things in life but never having to pay for them, it fell to Fabian to fund their little shopping trip.  Of course. Fabian’s family was descended from royalty as well, but he didn’t walk around with impractically empty pockets.  

           It wasn’t that Fabian didn’t have the money. He had moved his family’s considerable wealth into various untouchable accounts in the Cayman Islands and Switzerland, so that the police would not seize his assets over his little hobbies. He was doing it for his sister as well – Anne-Marie was too enraptured by the Acolytes’ cause to think about money, so Fabian, as the responsible and loving brother, had accounts set aside to take care of her.  (Well, one account.  A sizable amount.  It was all she needed, really, he’d manage the rest.)

           “This is not going to work,” Fabian hissed as Maximus took his arm and pulled him in disgustingly close.  He was not at all happy having the Inhuman who specialized in mind control, and who somehow always smelled like engine grease getting so touchy-feely.  He knew Max’s powers could also work from a distance, but still.  “We should just say that I’m her father, and you’re her uncle.”

           “I am her uncle, what’s the fun in that?  C’mon Cortez, role-play.  Get into the spirit of things.”

           “They’ll never believe,” Fabian insisted.  “I don’t look gay!”

           “I wasn’t aware that there was a specific look.” Maximus looked genuinely curious, not sarcastic, although it was often hard to tell.  “They don’t look any different in Attilan.  Are there physiological differences or is it just choices of fashion?”

           “It’s….it’s complicated,” Fabian said.  It wasn’t that Fabian had anything against gay men in particular.  He wasn’t like the petty-minded fools that bristled at the thought of another man finding them attractive.  It was only right and proper that gay men find Fabian attractive, just like everyone else did.  Fabian was attractive.  There was something tragically romantic at the thought of all the men who must surely pine after Fabian, their desires forever unfulfilled. He wouldn’t hold it against them. But he couldn’t quite imagine himself in that role.  The thought of certain acts made him uncomfortable.  

           “It’s not so complicated in Attilan.  You just ask.  Until the Council assigns you a spouse, it doesn’t matter.  And it usually doesn’t matter so much afterwards, either, as long as you are discreet.”  Maximus had been the one who thought it would be ever so amusing to pose as Luna’s same-sex parents, because apparently there was no such thing in Attilan. Same-sex relationships were accepted, but procreation and child-rearing was decided entirely at the whim of a council that determined genetic compatibility.  It sounded barbaric to Fabian, who would surely be mobbed by women seeking his superior genetic material.  No amount of polite refusal would do, they would fight for his favor – he would be exhausted and utterly milked dry after even a single day in Attilan.

           A jerk on his ponytail pulled Fabian out of that extremely pleasant reverie.    

           “Do try to keep your wits about you, Cortez, we are still in the middle of a caper, here.  Though I suppose the vapid expression does make you look appropriately non-threatening.”

           Fabian gritted his teeth, but said nothing. Some people were so utterly crass and entitled, especially unstable Inhuman princes.  It would be worth it in the end, when their plan granted Fabian the power he deserved, and then he’d find a tall building to push Maximus off of. He’d let Luna live, he wasn’t a monster, after all.    

Meanwhile, Luna had abandoned the pastel pony shirts, and was pawing through T-shirts featuring a group of handsome Asian teens, with BTS floating above their heads.  Fabian had no idea what “BTS” was, but based on the group’s bland prettiness, he guessed it must be some insipid boy band.  They were allowing Luna to browse without keeping a grip on her – Maximus had suggested that some Very Bad things would happen to the sales clerk if she tried to run or even wandered out of their sight.  Said clerk breezed right up to them, cheerfully unaware that Maximus would mentally force her to bite her own tongue in half if Luna called for help.

           “Can I help you gentlemen find anything?”

           “Your assistance is greatly appreciated, dear lady,” Fabian drawled.  She was fairly attractive, for an older woman.  He resisted the urge to place an arm around her shoulders, but one hand strayed up to undo the top button on his shirt.  

           “We are just buying some clothing for our beloved daughter,”  said Maximus, putting an arm around Fabian’s own shoulders and squeezing up against him.  Fabian hoped his disgust did not show on his face.

           “Technically she’s my daughter,” Fabian blurted out. “Biologically, I mean.  I had her.  With a woman.  I’ve been with a woman before.”

           “I see,” said the saleswoman, lips pursed as if trying not to smile.

           “Yes, my partner supplied the genetic material for the surrogate to create our precious little seraph,” Maximus said, gesturing at Luna, who was still ravaging the BTS merchandise.  “We’re so happy to have her in our lives.”

           “Aww, that’ sweet,” the saleswoman cooed, possibly genuinely enchanted by them.  Also possibly turning on the charm because she worked on commission, and men rich enough to afford a surrogate were likely to drop a lot of money in the store.  

           “I’m the top,” Fabian announced suddenly, answering a question no one was asking.

           “Oh…okay.”

“I’m always the top.  And he absolutely loves the things I do to him, because I am extremely good at sex.  With my penis. Not any other way.”  The saleswoman just laughed nervously.

           “Well, naturally.”  Maximus folded his arms.  “I wouldn’t take an inferior lover.  Of course you always satisfy me in every way and do everything I ask.”

           “That’s right,” Fabian said, with just a hint of uncertainty.  He had a weird feeling that he was somehow losing this conversation.

           “Well, that’s…um….I’m glad you’re so happy together,” said the saleswoman as Luna came running up with an armful of shirts. “But maybe we should pause this conversation.  Little pitchers have big ears, you know.”

           “What does that have to do with anythi –“  

           Maximus’s question was cut off when the far wall of the store suddenly blew apart.  The saleswoman shrieked and wrapped her arms around Luna protectively as they were showered with debris.  Blinking through the dust in the air, Fabian could see the Wrecking Crew emerge through the hole in the wall.  Which would mean….oh, this wasn’t good at all.

           “See, I told you I saw them go in here,” said Piledriver, gesturing at Fabian and Maximus.

           “What are you doing here?” Maximus demanded. “You’re meant to be smashing up Times Square, and keeping the Avengers’ attention for at least another –“ Maximus checked his watch.  “12 minutes and 38 seconds.”  

           “The check bounced, Prince Deadbeat,” said Wrecker. “Pay up, or we’ll take it out of your hides.”  

           “Yeah, or you’re gonna be Prince Deadmeat,” added Bulldozer.  Thunderball groaned and shook his head, rolling his eyes.

Maximus whipped his head around to glare at Fabian.  Fabian tried to glare back, but wound up giving a half-hearted shrug.  Perhaps falsifying the account number had been an extremely minor, insignificant mistake on his part, but how was he to know that the Crew would be checking their bank accounts before the job was even finished?  

           “Can’t you even complete the simplest of tasks, Cortez?”  Maximus snarled.  

           “What, you expect me to waste my fortune on morons like that?” Fabian shot back.  “We would have been away already if you hadn’t wasted valuable time indulging the girl!”  Yes, that was right.  It was all Maximus’s fault.  

           “It was only a small amount of your supposedly enormous fortune, you dullard, which I would have gladly reimbursed after I regained my rightful-“ Maximus was interrupted as Bulldozer charged towards them, head down.  Maximus ripped Luna out of the saleswoman’s arms and dove to the right, Fabian jumped to the left.  Carried by momentum, Bulldozer ran past them, jumping harmlessly over the saleswoman who had fallen to the floor.

           “Get out of here, lady,” he yelled as he swung back around, trying to decide whether to go for Maximus or Fabian.  “Our beef’s with them, not you.”  The saleswoman hesitated, looking at Luna, clearly wanting to pull her out of harm’s way.  Luna’s eyes flashed.

           “Run,” she commanded, and the clerk turned and fled.  

           “See, this is why I always say we should insist on direct transfer.  Checks are worthless, and frankly outdated.  Everything’s digital now,” Thunderball was saying, as he advanced towards.Fabian, swinging the wrecking ball that gave him his name.  

         “Or cash.  That’s even better,” said Piledriver, heading towards Maximus. “You can always depend on cash.” Fabian held up his hands in a placating gesture.  Much as he loathed the idea of groveling in front of these men, surely he could talk his way around these simpletons.  

           “Gentleman….I believe there’s been a misunderstanding. The bank must have made an error, which can be easily remedied –“  Fabian was cut off as the wrecking ball swung at his head.  As he ducked, he could see Bulldozer out of the corner of his eye, apparently deciding that Fabian was the better target.  Just his luck.  

           “We’re not stupid, Cortez.  You’re not going to scam us out of what’s rightfully ours.” Fabian tossed himself out of the way at just the right time, and this time the wrecking ball collided with Bulldozer’s head as he charged.

           “Ow! What the hell, Franklin?!”

           “Well, don’t run right into it!”  

           Fabian was a skilled fighter and master tactician. He had been in multiple battles alongside the Acolytes, often leading the charge himself.  He had never lacked for courage or skill.  And, as an experienced and highly intelligent fighter, Fabian knew the advantage of a strategic retreat.  As Thunderball and Bulldozer sorted themselves out, Fabian took the opportunity to sprint away and hide in a utility closet.  Let Maximus handle the brutes, then he’d take Luna and continue the mission (possibly in honor of the Inhuman prince’s memory, depending on how the fight went).

           As he ran, he saw that Maximus had used his powers to turn Piledriver against Wrecker, and the two were trading blows. So clearly Maximus could handle the situation, and there was nothing wrong with him withdrawing from the battle temporarily to rethink strategy.  The utility closet was cramped, pitch black and smelled of bleach, but they were less likely to find him here than one of the fitting rooms.  He just needed a moment to think.  His powers would not work on the Wrecking Crew – their strength and durability was based in Asgardian magic, not superior genetics like mutants (or, to a lesser extent, Inhumans).  The way these humans immediately squandered their gifts through petty crime just showed the natural superiority of mutants.  Humans couldn’t be trusted with powers.

           Obviously an alternative plan was necessary.  Perhaps a quick wire transfer would smooth over this little problem.  Or maybe Maximus would finally make himself useful and use his powers to subdue the whole group, which he frankly should have done in the first place.  It was also likely that the destruction at the mall would draw the Avengers, which would ruin their plans, but allow Fabian to slip away in the chaos.  He could hear the sounds of the fight continuing outside, with shouting and what sounded like heavy punches.  Off in the distance, glass shattered.  

           Then, suddenly the door to Fabian’s sanctuary was thrown open and Maximus ducked inside, rubbing his right hand and wincing with pain.  Alone, Fabian realized.

           “Where’s the girl?” He demanded.

           “The little brat bit me and ran off,” Maximus snapped.  “Too much like her mother, indeed!”

           “So you just left her out there with those thugs? She’s your niece, for God’s sake,” Fabian exclaimed, appalled at the Inhuman’s callousness and cowardice.

           “Luna is an intelligent, mature girl, and they are unlikely to hurt her.  I just needed a moment to think, and the crew is still fighting one of their own.   Thanks to me, and not you!  You abandoned us both!”

           “I was coming up with a plan!” Fabian hissed. He was no coward, his retreat into the utility closet was entirely different from what Maximus had done.

           “Well, what is your brilliant plan, then?  You’re the one who caused this problem in the first-“ A voice interrupted him, shouting through the store.

           “Heeeeeeeey, Ponytail and Prince Loon.  We’ve got the girl!  Come out and face us if you want her back alive.  Make some noise, girlie.”  There was a faint cry of pain, then Luna’s voice called out.

           “Uncle Max, help!  This isn’t fun anymore!”

           Maximus went rigid, and in the faint light, Fabian could see his face contorted with rage.  Fabian himself was outraged – he might use Luna as a pawn in his larger plans, but he wasn’t going to physically harm the girl.

           It was partially vanity that made them take a minute to throw on their respective suits.  Fighting in human casual-wear was so undignified.  It was also the fact that their costumes were made of a high-tech, extremely strong cloth that would not easily tear and partially protected them from injury.  Also, Fabian appreciated how his costume would show off every bit of his beautiful, sculpted body.  One should always look one’s best, no matter the situation.

           Crammed into the utility closet, they threw on their clothing in the dark, with muffled curses as feet were stepped on, and elbows jammed accidently (or not-so-accidentally) into sides.  After a few confusing moments of fabric and limbs going all sorts of strange places, they burst out to confront the Wrecking Crew again.  They did not expect the Wrecking Crew to laugh.

           Fabian glanced over at Maximus, who was trying to pull his long coat over Fabian’s own cape and shoulder pads.  The costume hung loose on the shorter, slighter Inhuman.  Which meant….Fabian reluctantly looked down (one of the very few times he was ever hesitant to look at his own body), and saw Maximus’s black and silver suit, stretched tight across his chest.  The shirt would not come down all the way, leaving a bare midriff that Fabian would normally enjoy showing off, if he wasn’t wearing the disgusting, unwashed suit of a greasy lunatic.  And he generally preferred baring his abs for the ladies, not ugly, brutish career criminals.

           Maximus glared over at him.  

           “Take those off, Cortez, you’re stretching them out!”

           “Oh, forgive me for actually having a body worthy of homo superior!  We can’t all be scrawny nerds that never exercise!”

           “Oh, do forgive me for spending my time in actual worthy pursuits instead of “bench-pressing” and “man-scaping” and “GTL” like on the Jersey Shore –“  Maximus gave an indignant squawk as Fabian ripped the cape off his shoulders and fastened it around his own.

           “Are you ladies done?  We’ve got business here!” yelled Wrecker.  He had Luna tucked under one arm, struggling and kicking at him with little effect.  “No need for things to get ugly.  You give us the money, we give you back the girl.”

           “Yeah, and can we wrap this up before the Avengers get here?  We dropped a cement truck on She-Hulk, but that’s barely gonna slow her down.  And she’s gonna be pissed,” said Bulldozer impatiently.  Fabian could sympathize – he couldn’t imagine trying to get cement out of his own luscious, flowing locks.

           “Fine, fine, no need for such base violence.  We’ll pay what we owe.  That’s what we intended in the first place,” Maximus said, with a meaningful glare at Fabian.

           “You’ll pay more than that,” said Wrecker.  “You tried to cheat us, so the price has gone up. We want triple the original amount.”

           “Let’s just get out of here,” said Thunderball. “We can take the girl to a safehouse and release her when they pay up.  We shouldn’t be hanging around the guy with mind control powers.” Piledriver, who had shaken off Maximus’s control when the Inhuman ran, nodded in agreement.

           “I’m still in charge here, Professor,” snapped Wrecker.  “We’re not getting any deeper into this than we have to.  We get the money now, give them the girl, and then disappear.  Let them deal with the rest of it.”

As they argued, Fabian was feeling along the outlines of the suit that was stretched too tight across his body.  Bits of metal were digging into him whenever he moved, odd lumps on the inside of the suit.  Prince Packrat must have all sorts of things stashed into hidden pockets – maybe one of them would be useful.  He pulled out a small round sphere, about the size of a ball bearing, that had been digging into his left armpit.  Maximus grinned when he saw it.

           “Flash bomb,” he whispered.  “Throw it and cover your eyes.”

           “Hey, what are you two smirking about?”  yelled Piledriver.  “We’ve got the girl, you’d better not –“

           Fabian tossed the sphere at their feet, and threw an arm across his eyes as the world suddenly got impossibly bright for an instant. He put the arm down, and saw that the Crew was momentarily blinded.  Beside him, Maximus’s eyes flashed blue, fists clenched as he used his power.

           “Toss her to me,” he commanded, and Wrecker suddenly hurled Luna across the room at them.  Fabian was the one who wound up catching her.  She appeared unharmed, but had both hands clasped across her eyes.

           “Uncle Max, I can’t see!  I wanna go home!” she wailed.

           “Be brave, child, the affects will fade soon. You’ll be fine,” Maximus insisted, still concentrating.  Bulldozer started to stumble forward towards the sounds of their voices, but was slowed by Wrecker’s crowbar.  Maximus had the man completely in thrall, and he began to swing indiscriminately, battering the other disoriented Crew members.

           “Can I trust you to carry her, Cortez, or will you be screwing that up as well?”  

           “None of this would have happened if not for this side trip!  We should have stuck to the plan!”  Fabian wondered what other delightful gadgets Maximus had in this ridiculous suit of his. He’d palm a few when they exchanged clothing again.  There were so many ways for him to kill the Inhuman after he’d outlived his usefulness, and that thought was the only thing that kept Fabian going through this farce of a team-up.

           “We’ll finish the plan!”  Maximus insisted.  “This is just a minor set-back.  But first…” The two of them looked at the Wrecking Crew, still blinking and trying to fight off their leader, then looked at each.

           “Strategic retreat?”

           “Indeed.”

           With Luna in his arms, Fabian followed Maximus as they ran for the exit.

#fabian cortez #maximus boltagon #luna maximoff #poor luna doesn't deserve this #thecorteztwins

[sagamemes]

now you see me 2 (2016) sentence starters, part one.   below the cut, you’ll find a total of 120 lines of dialogue from now you see me 2 to be used as prompts. feel free to alter diction, pronouns and anything else your heart desires. i’ve edited slightly to fit roleplay and randomised the order. warnings for ableist language, mentions of kidnapping, extreme domestic violence, threatening, death, prison---you know, heist movie stuff.

❝  the threat is real.  ❞

❝  seriously, is it weird to have more hair in your nose than on your head?  ❞

❝  i admit, from the neck up, there are issues, but from the neck down... the david.  ❞

❝  you know they’re playing you, right? leading you into a trap?  ❞

❝  you see, like you, i share a very deep connection with my father. and like you, i'll stop at nothing to avenge any wrongs done to him.  ❞

❝  been fun, playing this cat-and-mouse with you, [ petname/nickname ]. meow.  ❞

❝  as soon as you walk up to the table, you lose.  ❞

❝  i’ve learnt that it’s really, really hard to control people.  ❞

❝  so, what, the past didn’t happen and you’re not who i think you are?  ❞

❝  get out of my chair.  ❞

❝  your father wanted me to hand this to you.  ❞

❝  we need to get to london by midnight.  ❞

❝  which is a crime, might i add.  ❞

❝  what're you talking about, ‘gone’? people don't just disappear..  ❞

❝  as far as i can tell, people who don’t even know you think you’re an asshole.  ❞

❝  so how did it feel, seeing me there? was it all you hoped?  ❞

❝  is it---is it supposed to taste like that?  ❞

❝  if you really wanna help us, you would leave.  ❞

❝  i’m the same man i’ve always been.  ❞

❝  you gonna fill up on appetizers? or save room for the main course?  ❞

❝  hey, a little hint on your technique of surprise. it lacks that all-essential element... of surprise.  ❞

❝  this is on the both of us.  ❞

❝  i’m guessing one of you achieved that dream, and it wasn’t you?  ❞

❝  they left one [ man/woman/person ] behind. framed. holding the bag... me.  ❞

❝  i’m going to ask you one more time, sir---what gives?  ❞

❝  i’m a patsy!  ❞

❝  i was the hard-eyed realist. he was the dreamy-eyed idealist.  ❞

❝  easy stuff, magic, if you put your mind into it.  ❞

❝  i hope you’re happy with the situation you’ve put us in.  ❞

❝  i ask to see the face behind all of this.  ❞

❝  listen to me. i broke you out of there. we’re not changing the terms now.  ❞

❝  it’s the most expensive bottle on earth. $1.2 million. and i’ve saved it just for this occasion.  ❞

❝  i knew you had a soft spot for an old-school bidding war.  ❞

❝  hmm, i wonder which one of us gets to play the bimbo.  ❞

❝  i know i messed up, alright?  ❞

❝  is that a miracle towel?  ❞

❝  that’s the gas. thats the brake. you’ll figure it out.  ❞

❝  i’m sorry, [ name ]. i miss you father.  ❞

❝  one thing i believe in is an eye for an eye.  ❞

❝  i can’t be seen with you.  ❞

❝  to save my---he had a knife to her head!  ❞

❝  if that is what you desire, stay the course.  ❞

❝  now i’m about out of moves. and i’m tired.  ❞

❝  you were chosen. not because of who you are, but because of who you might become.  ❞

❝  don’t you dare for a second insinuate that i had something to do with this.  ❞

❝  this should bring back some childhood memories.  ❞

❝  make your phone call. that’s your right.  ❞

❝  the only thing we agree on is that our [ mum and dad/parents ] had one too many children.  ❞

❝  don’t do anything i wouldn’t enjoy.  ❞

❝  please tell me you haven’t bought into [ name ]’s crazy, paranoid fantasia.  ❞

❝  it’s your game now. you play it however you see fit.  ❞

❝  takeoff immediately.  ❞

❝  i’m sorry to interrupt, but i have to say congratulations.  ❞

❝  it’s not something i’m proud of, but every [ girl/boy/person ] i get close to, i end up taking their trust. and then their wallet.  ❞

❝  you support that relationship?  ❞

❝  seeing is believing. but is it truth?  ❞

❝  i know what it means. it means absolutely nothing. it’s bullshit.  ❞

❝  my only concern is the health and well-being of [ people/group of people ].  ❞

❝  you think i went out of my way to screw up my own investigation?  ❞

❝  i’m getting my orders directly from [ blank ], okay? then i give them to you. now if you don’t like that, you’re welcome to go.  ❞

❝  you put everybody’s lives in danger!  ❞

❝  how does it feel to be out of control, perhaps for the first time?  ❞

❝  you’re not our leader anymore, okay?  ❞

❝  it was an accident. i think.  ❞

❝  if you wouldn’t mind crawling from under my couch...  ❞

❝  just give it to him.  ❞

❝  you can dispense the tough guy act, to begin with. you’re too desperate for it to be believable.  ❞

❝  get your last words in quickly!  ❞

❝  fine. start with her.  ❞

❝  i said to myself, ‘that’s [ name ]’s boy’.  ❞

❝  you should have planned an escape, okay?  ❞

❝  they’re probably gonna throw us out of the plane.  ❞

❝  if it’s free, it’s me.  ❞

❝  god, you can not trust anybody in this city anymore, can you?  ❞

❝  he looks exactly like you.  ❞

❝  if you don’t, i’ll have you killed.  ❞

❝  your father used to come here when you were young.  ❞

❝  i came to clean up this mess, not add to it.  ❞

❝  you know what they say, ‘what happens in macau’... well, i don’t know the rest of it because it’s in chinese.  ❞

❝  i can ride it.  ❞

❝  a magician's greatest power lies forever shrouded in his empty fist, and the very idea that he can convince the world that he is, in fact, carrying with him a secret.  ❞

❝  we need a plan. but we don’t have the time.  ❞

❝  did you just find a thesaurus somewhere?  ❞

❝  i don’t like it, but what i like even less is you deciding for us.  ❞

❝  now i know why you look so familiar.  ❞

❝  don’t you bloody touch me!  ❞

❝  i’m a [ profession/rank/title ], you dick!  ❞

❝  you should feel pretty good about yourself, man. you predicted it correctly.  ❞

❝  i think where we are right now, they don’t refer to it as ‘[ nationality ] food’. it’s just called ‘food’.  ❞

❝  did he tell you that we were partners once?  ❞

❝  it’s been five minutes now, and we haven’t seen or heard anything.  ❞

❝  i quit. thank you. and goodbye.  ❞

❝  you feel it is you that should be leading [ team/group name ], not [ leader’s name ].  ❞

❝  got your watch like your dad’s?  ❞

❝  well, my mother literally knifed my father in the neck one time, so you are actually a bit like my family.  ❞

❝  i wouldn’t have known your face if it’d been on a billboard outside my bedroom window.  ❞

❝  you will beg for [ name ]’s forgiveness and realise you will never be half the man that he is.  ❞

❝  please, don’t become him.  ❞

❝  i know how these guys work now.  ❞

❝  mark my words: you will get what’s coming to you.  ❞

❝  you’re only going to blame yourself.  ❞

❝  watch it, hobo.  ❞

❝  can i have you for a couple of minutes?  ❞

❝  why would i buy it when i can have you steal it for me?  ❞

❝  [ name ] is right. we have nowhere to go.  ❞

❝  if you think you’re the only one who’d wondered for 30 years what happened... you’re not.  ❞

❝  he reached the limits of his capabilities and his clock ran out.  ❞

❝  i wish i could dredge from the muck of my soul one speck of remorse, but i can't. so, i'll stick to the business at hand and try not to smile too broadly.  ❞

❝  you’re gonna keep working until you work as a single organism.  ❞

❝  if you’re so rich, why don’t you just buy it?  ❞

❝  the problem is, when you're two people at the same time, one of them is bound to trip the other. and when that happens, i will be there.  ❞

❝  by the way... pay no attention to the curtain.  ❞

❝  you got yourself out. we did the easy part.  ❞

❝  so, what are you saying? we should pretend we have something we don’t?  ❞

❝  honestly, same bottle, liquour shack---$700k.  ❞

❝  you asked me to call you when they running around like headless chickens. well, that’s what’s happening.  ❞

❝  leave your kiddies at home and be ready for a wild night.  ❞

❝  hey, we’re on the clock.  ❞

❝  don’t ever accuse me of betraying us again, okay?  ❞

❝  it showed me you weren’t ready.  ❞

#rp meme #sentence meme #sentence starters #rp sentence starters #rp sentence meme #* meme. #* sentences. #nysm2

[83gigsof90semocore-blog]

Bonus post: Everybody Hurts - Review

So the letter D is going along nicely, but before that I'm going to do something quite different, namely a book review.

My hope is that my pseudo-academic academic style will be complemented nicely by exploring what other people have written on the genre. I hope to do more of these eventually, but probably not at a too steady rate because I can be rather lazy when it comes to reading.

Everybody hurts is a book published in 2007 that was written by Leslie Simon, who at the time worked as an editor for Alternative Press and Trevor Kelly who worked as a staff writer, also for Alternative Press. The book is actually quite different from my blog in many respects. Aside from the obvious ones, it isn't specifically focused on 90's emo but instead on what in 2007 was considered contemporary emo. Also unlike my blog it's focused on emo culture (the cover says "an essential guide to emo culture") as opposed to just music.

Some background: The 4th wave, Real Emo and the death of Scene culture

Part of what makes this book interesting to me is that it's very much a product of its time. The story that it tells about the music and community surrounding it is incredibly different than what would have been told in the 90's and even more so today.

So, first some basics: Emo is a very broad term that at many points have meant different things. One popular way to categorize it is by splitting it into 4 (or 5) waves. We have the first wave which refers to the offshoot of hardcore-punk that is the origin of the genre. The second wave is much more influenced by indie, alt-rock and pop. It's much less overtly punky, depending on where you draw the line between first and second wave. The third wave (which corresponds to the time period when this book was written) consists to a large degree of pop-punk and poppy post-hardcore. This is the period of time in which emo music was the most commercially successful and emo culture was properly cemented in the public conciousness. Finally, we have the fourth wave also known as the "emo revival". Now, this is where things get interesting.

As the name implies, emo revival was a movement concerned with bringing back emo to an earlier stage, namely the second wave. As such, many people associated with the revival where to some degree self-concious about the way "their" genre was misinterpreted as being about something else, namely third wave emo. Emo culture at the time was often mocked and the more commercial emo music wasn't looked upon favourably in underground circles. Fourth wave wasn't just a re-embrace of the values of the second wave but a rejection of the third wave.

I should also mention that this isn't nearly as true as it used to be now that enough time has passed for people to be nostalgic sooner than derisive, although it's an assumption that is very much woven into contemporary emo culture.

The history of emo as told from a fourth wave perspective would generally look on the third wave as an embarrassing parenthesis that we'd be better of forgetting. Some people have even gone as far as referring to the bulk of the third wave as "fake emo", being emo in name only while failing to embrace the core values of the genre sufficiently to be considered part of it.

So, this is where this book comes in. Being written in 2007, instead of viewing third wave emo as a heretical misstep, it's treated as the logical conclusion of the genre.

Emo as an identity

Another contrast with modern-day emo culture is it's treatment of emo as almost more of an identity than a music genre. This is also very typical of the time period. I'm born in the mid 90's, and my first exposure to the word emo (as I remember it) was when I was perhaps 10 or so and a friend told me about "a group of mentally ill people who dress in black and self harm". Not even a mention of the music! From then on my pre-pubescent self was mostly exposed to Emo as an identity. Sure, they had a special type of music that they listened to, but it wasn't any more integral to their emo-ness than their fashion for example.

Fast forward to today and I would never unironically call myself or anyone else "an emo", and I don't think almost anyone else would either. The understanding of emo that you find by modern fans is of something that might have cultural connotations, but is ultimately a style of music at heart.

While the authors where a lot more familiar with what emo in general than my 10 year old self and also saw music as a more central part of it, it is very informed by the view of Emo as a broader identity and only a small part of the book is actually about music.

My impression

The book starts of with a foreword by Andy Greenwald, author of Nothing feels good: Punk Rock, Teenagers, And Emo, a book that I'm hoping to eventually cover on this blog.

Then we get to the first chapter, titled ideology. For a second I (foolishly) thought that it would be a Žižek-style examination of pop-culture or something, and got very exited. Reading a few words below, we get a faux dictionary definition of the word:

ide•ol•o•gy n a body of ideas and social needs that separates you from your parents, the pep squad, and Dave Matthews Band fans.

Žižek was never this snarky.

After appropriately adjusting my expectations, snark is a constant background noise in the book. It's sometimes funny, sometimes making fun of a target that deserves it, sometimes an excuse to not treat a subject seriously and sometimes something that has aged quite poorly (ableist slurs stand out like a sore thumb, something it generally didn't in 2007).

The book is divided in 9 chapters, discussing everything from emo ideology, emo fashion, emo literature to emo eating habits and oh right, actual emo music. I generally found that the book was quite well researched (although it is an entertainment book, so it's not exactly done with any academic rigor) and that the authors where happy on going in to detail on most of the subjects they brought up. The facts and anecdotes that make up every chapter are accompanied by either helpful advice ("Don't put on a band shirt right after buying it from the merch table, you'll look like an emo novice") or snarky commentary ("Let's say that a guy and his crush watched One Tree Hill a week earlier with a group of seven of their friends. Never mind that there where nine people in the room. In emo terms, this was a date.")

One section of the book is about emo blogs. Just for fun, let's see how my emo blog measures up:

[From the section "how to emo-fy your blog" [...] you're going to want to look over your text and ask yourself a series of questions before hitting the "submit" button and releasing your deepest, most intimate thoughts into the world. Those questions are as follows:

Does this read well?

Am I making my points in a clear and efficient way?

Did I use actual paragraphs?

Did I capitalize all the words that need capitalisation?

Is this what my life is actually like?

Ok, 5. doesn't really apply but for the others it seems like I'm doing fine. So far, so good.

If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, you should probably scrap your post and start over. Ideally, a good emo blog post should be over dramatic and a bit abstruse. You know the magnets you see on fridges that people sometimes assemble into bizarre phrases? That's what emo posts are supposed to look like

Well, fuck.

Chapter 6: Music - a review

While it can be anywhere from amusing to interesting to read about everything from proper show etiquette to Emo porn sites (yes, seriously), this being a music blog first and foremost I'm gonna give some extra attention to their taste in music.

They have a section titled "Essential Emo Records 101". So what does it consist of and what do I think of it?

Rites of Spring, S/T

Embrace, S/T

Sunny Day Real Estate, Diary

Jawbreaker, Dear You

Lifetime, Hello Bastards

Texas is the Reason, Do You Know Who You Are?

Weezer, Pinkerton

The Promise Ring, Nothing Feels Good

The Get Up Kids, Something To Write Home About

Jimmy Eat World, Clarity

So far, so good. Lifetime is almost never talked about these days, but Hello Bastards is still a solid record. Mineral, American Football and Cap'n Jazz are all absent, although American Football and Cap'n Jazz weren't very popular until a long time after they split, so it's not that strange I suppose. They would be impossible to not include had the list been written today though. All the bands are accompanied by some text. For the first two albums they snarkily remark that they're not so much good as important historically. I believe that this comes from viewing the history of as stepping stones to what it was when this book was written and not with an attempt to see emo as it was at the time which I think is disappointing although not very surprising.

Saves the Day, Through Being Cool

Glassjaw, Everything You Ever Wanted

At the Drive-in, Relationship of Command

Bright Eyes, Fever and Mirrors

Thursday, Full Collapse

Dashboard Confessional, The Places You Have Come To Fear the Most

Taking Back Sunday, Tell All Your Friends

The Used, S/T

The All-American Rejects, S/T

Brand New, Deja Entendu

Coheed and Cambria, In Keeping Secrets of Silent Earth: 3

Yellowcard, Ocean Avenue

Hawthorne Heights, The Silence in Black and White

My Chemical Romance, Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge

Fall Out Boy, From Under the Cork Tree

Panic! At the Disco, A Fever You Can't Sweat Out

There are a couple of albums that I personally don't really think qualify as emo even from a third wave point of view (although, maybe I'm just too poisoned by 4th wave elitism) namely Fevers and Mirrors, In Keeping Secrets of Silent Earth: 3 and A Fever You Can't Sweat Out. I do still think that at least the first two at least are quite good so it's more of a matter of being overly loose with the genre. Although, maybe it's worth interpreting this list as more "music that emo people like" rather than "emo music" in line with the rest of the book. I did honestly think that it would be a bit worse in terms of including "non-emo" music so I'm honestly positively surprised. The authors do in my opinion manage to escape with a good amount of emo cred.

One thing that I'm disappointed in is the complete absence of screamo music, although this is once again more disappointing than surprising really.

Final verdict

One helpful question to ask when reviewing any piece of media is "who is this for?". My impression is that it's mostly for people who are already immersed in Emo culture who are interested in laughing at themselves. It is a very silly subculture in many ways (particularly in 2007) and the authors poke fun of this many times. If you can take it in stride, this book might be a pleasant read. You might also learn some things that you have missed.

For people such as me who are trying to puzzle together what emo culture actually was like at the time I find that the snark gets in the way of actually learning things, and I wish that they had taken a slightly more serious approach. The book could also have done with a lot more interviews.

Ultimately I think this leaves the book with a quite narrow audience in the present day, but that's fine maybe. At the time it came out it was actually commenting on something culturally relevant and might have served as a decent primer to the subculture.

Today however, I think that I can only really recommend it to the unhealthily obsessed (like me) and the nostalgic.

#emo

[sagemoderocklee]

Oh what's this about "the only valid fic that’s ever going to be written for gaalee"? You don't have to tell the name of the fic I'm just curious about what happened? Like what's the deal with this fic?

oof… well, this is a conversation I’ve had many a time, but be forewarned, I have a lot of feelings on this matter and this will… not be short.

I’ll just use [redacted] but in all honesty whether I give you the name or not, I promise, it wouldn’t be difficult to know what fic I’m talking about (not least of which because I’m one of the few people who has been vocal about that fic and when asked I make it known I have No Interest in it). But literally everyone in the GaaLee fandom knows about this fic that was written–after careful research–just over 13 years ago. THIRTEEN! That’s quite a long time for a fic to maintain such acclaim, but the GaaLee fandom is small and a bit of a fic desert when it comes to content, and in a way, I think that’s to blame…. 

From my perspective, this fic–which published it’s first chapter in September of 2005 on Livejournal, then posted in April 2006 to a lesser known fic hosting website–has remained a staple in this fandom for so long because it was, by and large, one of the only decent novel length fics in the fandom at the time. And that time was a long time. If you look at the GaaLee tag on any fanfiction hosting website, you won’t have an easy time finding novel length stories with quality writing, characterization, plot, etc. 

[Redacted] was, ostensibly, the first GaaLee fic with any real substance: it had good pros, and, seemingly, it had a plot (though if you ask me the plot was “get gaara and lee together, and forget about any and all conflict outside of them once they bone down”, but I digress). 

People loved this fic. So much so that there are a number of depictions of scenes from this fic drawn by talented fanartists, there are podfics, there are probably translations, there’s a fucking TV Tropes entry. But the real impact this fic has had on the fandom? The reason I always vaguely complain about it?: “I won’t read anything if it’s not [Redacted].” 

As a writer, myself, I’m sure it’s obvious why I might have grown bitter about this fic over the course of my time in this fandom. Unlike other fandoms I’ve been in, such as the Harry/Draco fandom, which upholds the classics that helped shape the fandom but still allows for new, fresh takes, the GaaLee fandom holds on to this singular fic as the Pinnacle Fic. According to this fandom, you will never come across a greater gaalee story–never mind that this fic is 13 years old, is ableist in its depiction of Gaara, actually does forget the plot partway through, not to mention the gross ‘sand rape’ scene, and of course doesn’t hold up 13 years later with canon specifically because of mischaracterizing at least Gaara (it’s been a while since I read it, so I’m sure I’m missing things). Never mind that we, as individuals and communities, should be able to look at something more critically and say “yes, this was good at the time, but now I see that it is not perfect. Yes, this helped shape a small and lacking fandom, but it does not have to be the be-all end-all.” 

The GaaLee fandom, as indicated by the shit I was fielding thanks to daring to call out homophobia in the fandom, does not like change. It has certainly changed, even grown I’d like to think. But the fandom itself is stagnant in many ways; it does not want to let go of its old ways which is easily seen by some of the GaaLee–oh, excuse me, LeeGaa blogs out there (it’s very important to remember exactly who is putting it up whose butt, because heaven forbid we treat these characters genuinely and not depict mlm couples with gross fetishistic tropes like seme and uke–i hope that the tone of “i’m rolling my eyes” comes through strongly here). 

Now, I haven’t read this fic in about 4 years, roughly. I put off reading it for a very long time while working on Alliance because I, like so many people in the fandom, held it up on a pedestal. I worried over comparing myself to the author, I worried over the potential to be influenced in a way, that Alliance would seem too much like [Redacted]. Then, in the midst of depression and wanting desperately to read a GaaLee fic, I re-read it. I hadn’t touched it in four years–at that time–and thought “what the hell”. So I read it. 

And I didn’t like it. The pros are good, I’ll give you that. But other than the pros, I wasn’t moved. In fact, I felt only relief. “My fic is nothing like this. I don’t agree with this author’s interpretation here and here–oh my god that’s rape what the fuck” and so on. Now, it has been a long time since my last read through, so I may be missing things about the fic, but ultimately it’s not really about whether or not I like the fic, it’s not about whether or not the fic is good. It’s old. It shouldn’t really matter anymore because we should all have matured enough to say “This fic was good, it did a lot of good for the fandom, but looking back I realise it’s not what I thought it was and has some gross elements which we will not allow to continue to propagate in our fandom.” 

But unfortunately, this fic is still relevant; unfortunately this fic still matters and still shapes this fandom in far too many ways. If the common theme of this fandom wasn’t “oh my god, have you read [Redacted]” “[Redacted] is the best fic and the only one I’ll read” then maybe I’d never say a peep about this fic. It would fall to the back of my mind, a fic I read and enjoyed once upon a time, when I was young and less rounded as a person. But unfortunately, the fandom does not take the stance that other fandoms take–it is not ‘a classic we appreciate for what it did for this fandom’, it is now a weapon used against new authors. I don’t think it’s necessarily intended to be, but it is. Who wants to write a fic for this pairing when all they hear is “I’ll never read anything but [Redacted]”? Who wants to write anything when they know people won’t give them a chance? Hell, who will read things when they’re told that the only thing worth reading is [Redacted]? When they’re told that everything else in this fandom is trash? And listen, I know there’s a lot of trash in this fandom–and I don’t mean writing skill, I mean actual trash. Writers who manipulate minors into a cult following while their writing features a relationship between a 16 and 25 year old; writers who write A/B/O; writers who write ‘soft stalking’; writers who turn Shukaku into “a voice in Gaara’s head”… The list is long and ugly. But that doesn’t mean write off every writer, that doesn’t mean refuse to move past a fic that’s 13 years old.

How are we supposed to overpower the gross, ugly content if we as a fandom community refuse to give new writers a chance? How can fandom grow and change and get better, if we hold on to something from 13 years ago? (Trust me, it shows that this fic was written thirteen years ago. It is Very Obvious.) 

Yet here we are, holding on to a 13 year old story. Who else do we know in this fandom who writes? Who else has that much acclaim? Who else writes good, quality stories and gets art and a goddamn TV Tropes entry and countless people raving about their work? Do you know what happens when I say I want to read a gaalee fic? I get a number of people asking if I’ve read [Redacted] as if I haven’t been here for 11 years. It was literally the first GaaLee fic my friends told me to read so that I’d understand why GaaLee was a good ship. I read it when I was all of 18 and so new to the fandom. I read it again when I was 21. And again when I was 24. I guess the third time was the charm. 

There is a post that floats around sometimes visible in the gaalee or leegaa tag that says “guess it’s time to go reread [Redacted]” or something to that effect with something like 350 notes. 350 notes. This tired comment from years ago that suggests there’s nothing worth reading in this fandom, that’s been put out there for writers and readers of fic to see. Listen, I won’t lie, it IS hard to find good fic content! It is, but it’s even harder when you don’t give people a fucking chance. 

Do you know what conversations I’ve had with people about fanfiction in this fandom? I literally had someone, point blank, say to me and the other writers on the GaaLee discord “I don’t read anything but […] [Redacted].” 

How disheartening. How unsupportive. How insulting. Saying that to people who you know are writers, who work hard and want support. That’s ugly. That’s not cute. That’s not community. 

There are fresh new takes on Gaara and Lee, and I know that for a fact because I have worked tirelessly to help create some of these fresh takes. I know my fucking worth as a writer, I know I’m good at what I do. I’ll always be learning and refining my writing, but I am a good fucking writer and it is a slap in the face to me and every other writer out there, who dedicates any amount of time to trying to produce good written content for this pairing. We don’t need the fic tags for this pairing to be filled with the trash mentioned above (pedophilia, rape, ableism, etc). We don’t need to be a fic desert. But if people only ever read one 13 year old fic, then that’s what we’re gonna keep having. 

I’m obviously not going anywhere. I’ve got plenty of GaaLee fics to write (something like 20+), regardless of the “I’ll only read [Redacted]” people in this fandom. But who’s to say if it’ll matter in this fandom? Who’s to say it’ll change how people feel about [Redacted]? Who’s to say if I can help make a trend of supporting fic authors other than [Redacted’s Author]? I mean, the person who made that post with 350 notes, far as I know, has never read my fic content. If someone is so desperate for content that they’ll re-read something from 13 years ago, then why aren’t they also checking the GaaLee tag on tumblr or Ao3 for new fics? Like people actively complain about the lack of fic in this fandom and then… do nothing about it. And I don’t mean they should write fics necessarily. Like yes, if you’re a writer and you want to see fic content in this fandom, I absolutely urge you to write! But first, we need more people who are willing to read fics. Who will go out of their comfort zone and just give us a chance. We need these people who are always complaining about the lack of fic content to do something about it, make other authors feel better about themselves, lift up other authors, share their works, comment like your life depends on it. That’s what we need. Because there are a handful of people out there who want to write and want to keep writing for this pairing. But without support…??? They disappear. They give up. They lose interest. 

There will probably be some people who feel like personally attacked because they’ve said these things and not supported other authors, but honestly, if you feel that way then please take that and prove me wrong. Be more proactive. Find a new GaaLee writer, find a story you haven’t given a chance. Prove that this fandom can change and grow; prove that fic writers have a place in this fandom. 

Because right now, fic writers don’t have a place.

Anyway, I’ve spent the last like hour going on and on about this, and I have things to do and I’m sure you didn’t want me to write something this long, Anon. Please, just blame my Aries Mercury ass for being a passionate talker lmao 

#otp: the ultimate otp #gaara #rock lee #naruto #shippuden #gaalee #this is like a call out post in good faith essentially #so it's going in the tags because i want ppl to start being more supportive of other writers in this fandom #give gaalee fic writers a chance 2k18 #this got out of hand im so sorry #i feel very strongly about this i can't help it #and tbh i think this is part of why this fandom doesn't have the popularity other pairings have #like god so many ppl have like no concept of this pairing like they just do not Get It #and i think it's partly this #partly the fujoshi bs but also partly this #because where are the stories that explain to ppl why they work???? #i mean you can paint a pretty picture but at the end of the day where's the story? where's the foundation? #Anonymous