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sunsetinmyvein · 4 years

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I Know That I’ll Lose - Chapter Three - I Tell You Lies, But It’s Only Sometimes

It was 1am when she heard her phone buzzing relentlessly against the wood of her bedside table. She grabbed it, recognising the number that she really had to save as an actual contact. Eventually. One day. Maybe. But why was Matty calling at 1am? He was meant to be on a plane.

“We have got to stop meeting like this.” She mumbled as she answered the call, still half asleep.

“My flight got cancelled.” He replied instantly; opting to ignore her fantastic joke.

“That’s shitty.” She said with a yawn. “When’s your next one?”

“They just asked me to come back tomorrow to find out if there’s another.” He explained. She hummed thoughtfully in response, only really sort of processing what he was saying. There was a pause on the line for a moment as Matty waited for her to put two and two together. “So… I don’t have a hotel to stay in.” He added.

“Better go book another one then.” She replied.

“But it’s midnight.” He whined. “And so last minute.” He continued.

Her brain was starting to catch up to what he was getting at now, and she sensed he would continue listing reasons it would be better for him to stay at her house rather than at a hotel all night if she let him. “No, Matty.” She said, properly awake now.

“Please?” She could practically see the pout on his face through the phone.

“Why can’t you just book another hotel?” She questioned, rubbing her eyes to get the uncomfortable feeling of being awake far too early out of them.

“You’re the one who said your place is close to the airport.” He reminded her. She had said that. Why did she tell him that? That was a bad decision.

She groaned loudly and he could already tell that she had given in. “Fine. FINE.” She caved. His quiet ‘yessss’ echoed down the line. “You’re sleeping on the couch.” She added, just in case he was getting the wrong idea.

“Aw.” He laughed.

“I’ll text you the address and let you in when you get here.” She said, throwing the covers off and shoving some slippers on her feet.

“Wait, what? No, no, you can go back to bed. Just leave the door unlocked and I’ll let myself in.” He said, figuring it made no sense for the both of them to be losing sleep. Not over something like this, anyway.

“Firstly, no. That’s super unsafe. Secondly, no. I will wait for you to get here.” She was already out of bed at this point and starting to get a few blankets together to throw over the couch for him.

“You do a lot of waiting for me.” He quipped, the background noise of the airport filling the few seconds of silence as he let his comment hang there for a moment. She could just picture the smug look on his face as he said that.

“Shut up or I’ll take back my generous offer.” She shot back.

“Thanks! See you soon!” He said quickly, and with a click, the line was dead.

She draped the blankets and a pillow over the couch before taking a seat and waiting for him to get here. At this hour, the airport would only be ten minutes away, so she just kept herself busy on her phone until she heard the knock at the door. When she answered it, he looked all too happy about the news that his flight had been cancelled. Almost as soon as the door was halfway open, a massive grin was plastered on his face and he instantly dropped his suitcase to wrap her up in a hug. She let him in, leading him through to the lounge room where he was going to be sleeping.

“Couch.” She said, gesturing to the three-seater sofa in the middle of the living room with bedding spread out over it. “Kitchen. Has water and glasses to hold said water.” She waved in the general direction of the kitchen in the next room. “Bathroom is that way.” She pointed down the hall. “Do you need anything else?” She asked, turning to face him.

“I just really wanna look at all your stuff. Your house has such a different vibe to mine.” He said as he found himself drawn to all of the things around her living areas. His style of living was fairly… minimalist. He enjoyed things but didn’t own that many himself. Half of his life was spent on the road, if he had too much, he’d never be able to keep it all. So, most of his belongings were spread between a few different locations and his suitcase. This, in contrast, was extremely cluttered. Neat and organised, confined to only certain corners of the room, but cluttered nonetheless. He could tell with how things had been displayed that a great deal of care had gone into setting it all up and these items were clearly well loved. She sat down with a huff in the arm chair next to the couch he was meant to be asleep in by now, watching as he gently examined things around the room. He asked a few questions every now and again: where had she gotten this, why did she have such and such, what was the story behind that. At one point he had asked her a question and he had thought that she was trying to work out an answer, but when he had turned around, he realised that the reason for her silence was because she had fallen asleep while he was too busy fawning over inanimate objects.

“Bollocks…” He muttered, trying to work out what to do. He already felt bad for having woken her up and making her wait out here for him to arrive, he didn’t want to wake her up again just to send her to bed. But letting her sleep on the recliner was hardly reasonable either, especially if he was supposed to be sleeping on the couch right next to it. That was just going to be awkward for whoever woke up first. He took a quick glance around the small home, eventually spotting a doorway with a bed on the other side that he suspected to be hers. Deliberating his options for a quick moment, eventually he decided that she’d probably appreciate getting a decent night’s sleep after having to get up and let his sorry ass inside. He opted not to overthink the situation and made an effort to try and switch his brain off for five seconds as he picked her up and carried her back to bed. After he had put her back safely in her bed and pulled the covers over her, he stopped for a moment.

He had dragged someone else into his mess of a life to help him cope with shit that he should be able to deal with by now. Whenever he left the slightly darker part of his life behind, he was under the impression that he was capable of keeping himself in check. That was certainly what everyone seemed to congratulate him for; that he finally sorted it out, he got a hold of his addiction, he got himself through it. It had turned out that without company, his self-control was pretty limited. He hated how dependent that made him feel. When he was on tour and away from his friends and family, he could at least rely on the band. But, with the band already gone he wasn’t as much of himself as he usually was. However, her company felt comforting in a different way. Yesterday had gone exceedingly better than he would’ve expected it to, and he was sure that it was due to that. He couldn’t quite put his finger on it, something wasn’t the same as if he would have been at those interviews with the band. But he thought that maybe he could work it out if he had enough time to. Hell, he fucking skipped out on his own flight just to hang around for one more day and see if he could do exactly that. She mumbled something as she rolled over, and he finally snapped out of it and realised he had been standing in this room for far too long now. “Creepy, Matty. Creepy. Leave.” He muttered under his breath to himself as he trudged back out into the lounge room to try and get some sleep.

* * *

“Sleep well?” He asked as she wandered into the lounge room the next morning. He was sat comfortably in the recliner, the blankets that had been tossed across the couch were now folded up neatly on top of it. The TV was playing some random morning news program, and he was mostly paying attention to that, other than the brief glance he threw her way as she entered. Did that man ever sleep? He looked almost exactly the same as he had when he rocked up last night.

“Not bad.” She answered, eyeing him curiously. Everything in the lounge room still seemed to be in place. Neater, even. “I fell asleep in here last night, didn’t I?” She asked eventually.

“Mmhm.” He nodded, not looking away from the TV.

“How did I end up back in bed?” She continued.

“I put you there.” He answered casually.

“I had a feeling that’s what you were gonna say.” She said, making her way into the kitchen to start finding some form of breakfast. “And I was kind of surprised to see that you hadn’t tried to worm your way in next to me. So, I wasn’t sure if that would be the correct answer.” She said with a dry laugh as she put the kettle on the stove top to boil.

“Geez. I’m hurt that you think I’d do that.” He gasped; a hand clutched to his chest. His tone of voice sounded serious but the look on his face was still joking. “You told me to sleep on the couch. I might be a bit of an arse but I’m not a complete psychopath.” He added with a shrug as he came over to lean against the counter top.

She hummed thoughtfully at his answer, “How you act sometimes would have me convinced you don’t know where to draw the line.” That one felt like it cut him a bit deeper than he would’ve liked, but he shrugged it off.

“You have never once told me to stop acting how I do.” He pointed out. She thought about this for a moment and quickly realised that he was right. Maybe she should start doing that… Maybe. “If you did, I would. But I know there’s a line.” The silence hung between them for a moment as she thought about how to respond. She felt like she should potentially apologise for accusing him of something like that after his answer, but he continued speaking before she got the chance. He seemed to be pretty good at that. “Tea?” She gratefully took the way out of the conversation that he was offering her before it got awkward, nodding as she grabbed two mugs.

They both prepared a quick breakfast, eating quietly in front of the background noise of the TV. She only had fairly limited supplies considering that she hadn’t expected to have to cater to a second person this morning. Which meant that they ended up stuck with buttered toast and tea, the breakfast of budget conscious champions. A decent amount of time had passed since she had woken up, and it was starting to move into mid-morning territory. So far, Matty had mentioned nothing about having to get on a plane and go home. “So, what are you going to do about your flight?” She asked him around a mouthful of toast.

“They wanted me to go back to the airport today to speak to the people and get a new one, but I think someone is just going to call me with the new details instead.” He answered, flipping channels to find something more interesting

“You just have to wait and see?” She asked with a frown.

“Yep.” He sighed, popping the ‘p’ as he said it.

“Which, in light of that, what is there to do around here?” He glanced around the room, trying to spot something that could be used to kill the time.

“You’re intending on hanging out here?” She questioned in surprise.

“Well, I might be leaving in half an hour, I might be leaving in eight. I can’t just wander around outside like some lost puppy until they call me and tell me when.” He pointed out as he stood up and made his way over to a bookshelf.

“Why not?” She huffed.

He gasped loudly as he turned to face her, but his shocked expression gradually turned into a smile. “You wound me. You don’t want my company?” The look in his eyes and the smirk on his face suggested that he was already giving her shit for admitting that she enjoyed having him around. She shouldn’t have said anything yesterday in the bar. He was already well aware of her answer by the blush creeping onto her cheeks.

“Okay, fine. You can stay until your flight. But I have actual things that I need to be getting done.” She finally agreed.

“But who will entertain me?” He asked with an exaggerated groan.

“Well, you can’t just expect me to drop everything I had planned for today.” She argued as she grabbed her laptop and set herself up on the couch.

“You should’ve been expecting me and freed up your schedule!” He said with a laugh.

“How could I anticipate that your flight would get cancelled and you’d rock up on my doorstep?” She asked without looking up from her screen. He quickly realised his mistake. Him intentionally ditching his flight to spend more time with her was a thought that only occurred in his mind, not hers as well.

He let out a nervous laugh, “True.” He mumbled as he quickly changed topics. “What you doin’?” He asked as he plopped himself down on the couch next to her.

“Answering emails.” She replied.

“About?” He continued, glancing over her shoulder and trying to read what was on her screen.

“Upcoming shows and sending spreadsheets off for yours.” She answered as she dragged and dropped a few excel sheets into an empty email.

“Any bands I’d know?” He glanced at the contact names on the email sidebar. None seemed familiar except the ones that he recognised as being Dirty Hit addresses.

“Doubt it.” She shrugged, “They’re all smaller, local shows.”

He watched her typing away at the keyboard, his interest eventually waning as his eyes wandered around the room. “Got any weed?” He blurted out.

She rolled her eyes at his question, then supposed it was probably only a matter of time before he asked it. “I do.” His face lit up at her words. “But I’m not sharing it.” And out went that light as quickly as it had come into his eyes. He opened his mouth to begin arguing as to why she should indeed split some with him, but she continued. “You need to catch a plane, anyway! You can’t rock up at the airport stoned.”

“Why not? I’ve done worse.” He laughed loudly, thinking on all of the stories he could tell her that would definitely top arriving at a flight stoned.

“I am not letting you rock up to the airport stoned.” She rephrased.

“Just tell me when I’m getting warmer.” He said as he stood up and started moving around the living room, holding his hands out like he was stumbling through the dark about to run into furniture.

“We are not playing hotter and colder for drugs, Matty.” She tried to sound at least sort of chastising, but the laugh that fell from her lips betrayed her amusement at how silly he looked walking around blindly.

“I’ll pay you back for it.” He added.

“That’s not…” She let out a deep sigh as she ran her hands down her face. “That’s not the point.”

“If you’re hiding it on your person, don’t think that’ll stop me.” He turned to face her with a suggestive grin. As she went to discount that theory, his phone started ringing. Thank god for that.

He held the device up to his ear, listening intently and making approving noises as he continued to pretend that he was a drug sniffer dog. While he was distracted, she got up and walked into another room. The random representative from the airline spent a good ten minutes apologising for the inconvenience of having to rebook his flight due to ‘unforeseen circumstances’ before actually getting to the point. He decided it was probably best not to press that matter any further given it would come out sooner or later that the circumstances that caused him to miss his flight were pretty easily foreseen. She walked back into the lounge, seeing that he was still on the phone. “Sweet. Flight number BA637 at midnight? That’ll do.” He nodded to himself. After a few more apologies and pleasantries were exchanged, he finally managed to get off the phone and get back to the important matter at hand. “So… My flight is at midnight. That’s plenty of time to get stoned.” He said as he spun around to face her, only to find that she was already right in front of him, holding something out for him to take. He flashed her a confused expression before holding his hand out. She placed a snuff box and papers into it before taking her seat back on the couch. “Oh, you actually…” He seemed genuinely surprised to be presented with the drug. “Uh, thanks.”

He hadn’t anticipated that she would actually go get it for him. For the most part, he had been joking. Not that it was an unwelcome offer. His stash had run out after the show on Friday, and it was incredibly good for calming his brain down. He took a seat back in the recliner, quickly rolling a joint. Before lighting it up for himself, he supposed he should probably share with the gracious host. He held the joint he had rolled out to her and she shook her head in response without even looking up from her emails. He frowned as he looked down at it, then back up at her. “You’re not gonna have any?” He asked.

“No way.” She said with a short laugh. “I’ve got shit to get done, I can’t be stoned.”

“What! Why didn’t you tell me that before?” He asked loudly.

“You seemed pretty hell bent on getting high.” She shrugged as she looked up on him. He looked like a child who’d just been told that they weren’t actually going to Disney World and were, in fact, going to the dentist instead.

“Not by myself.” He mumbled in disappointment.

“Tough shit.” She chuckled.

He let out a reluctant groan, pausing for a moment before speaking again, “You sure you don’t want any?” He offered one last time.

“Another time, Matty.” She sighed with a small smile.

“I’ll hold you to that.” He nodded as he tucked the joint behind his ear.

He sat and waited patiently, half paying attention to the TV as she finished up the emails that she had to get done. Eventually, once she had finished the tasks that she was meant to get done with her day, she was considerably more willing to entertain the messy haired boy on her couch. They killed the time eating snacks and getting to know each other a bit better. She felt that she had a pretty decent grasp on the conundrum that was Matthew Healy after a few hours of chatting with him. They were both blunt and honest people, so it was easy to cut to the chase and skip around the idle chit chat that filled the majority of their day to day conversations. And he was finding that the more he spoke with her, the further the connection between them went. What had initially been him enjoying having someone around purely because of how well they reacted to him was fast becoming quite a well-rounded friendship. She was also quickly finding that whenever she got him onto a topic that he truly enjoyed discussing, he was an unstoppable force of enthusiasm and ridiculous vocabulary. A conversation with Matty mostly involved just listening to the torrential waves of thought that were Matty.

Eventually during their chat, he discovered a few retro video game consoles that she had hidden under her TV. He was all too keen to prove that he’d have more skill than her at any game she could throw at him, and being the competitive person that she was, she wasn’t about to let him think that he was right. As soon as they got engrossed in the games, the time flew by. It wasn’t long before his phone was buzzing to remind him that he had a plane to catch. Whoever was organising his flights had also organised a taxi for him that was currently waiting outside. He flashed her an apologetic look as he paused the game and started grabbing his things.

“Sorry, I’ll have to kick your arse another time.” He said as he quickly scanned the room to make sure he wasn’t leaving anything behind. Would leaving his wallet behind be a decent excuse to miss another flight..? Probably not. He shoved it into his pocket.

“You have lost more games than you’ve won, y’know.” She pointed out with an eyebrow raised as she stood up.

“So far.” He shot back as he pointed at her seriously, before cracking a huge grin. His smile was ridiculously infectious.

He started heading towards the door, pausing for a moment before grabbing the handle. “Thank you for letting me hang out here all day. Sorry if I was a bit of a burden.” He said with a sheepish smile, scratching at the curls sitting at the back of his neck.

“You’re not a burden.” She replied with a roll of her eyes. “But it’s no problem. Let me know the next time you’re back in this part of the globe.”

“Can do.” He said with a bright grin. “Bye, Y/N/N.”

“Bye, Matty.” She said, going in for a goodbye hug. He leaned forward in a different way than if he was reciprocating the hug, and for a brief moment the thought passed her mind that he might be about to try and kiss her. But he tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, smiling to himself as he did so. The blush that was rapidly spreading across her face gave her away before she could even try to cover it up.

“I’ll see you soon.” He said with a wink as he opened the door and walked down to the waiting taxi, throwing a brief wave over his shoulder in her direction. She realised as she stepped back into her house that the joint that she had given him was now sitting above her ear. She laughed to herself, expecting that she probably would be seeing that boy sooner than she thought knowing his antics.

* * *

When her phone buzzed loudly on her bedside table, pulling her out of her half-asleep state, she supposed that she shouldn’t have been surprised. Would it really have been a night of knowing Matty Healy without him trying to contact her at some ridiculous hour? She rolled over, grabbed her phone and held it to her face, trying to adjust her eyes to read the bright screen in the darkness.

11:36pm My flight got cancelled again :/

No way. Again? That didn’t seem very likely... The airports here were fairly reliable most of the time, the odd cancellation wasn’t unheard of but two in a row seemed pretty ridiculous. What had he said his flight number was? Maybe it said online what was happening with the plane. She quickly googled the flights heading to London that night, finding his flight number straight away. It was still scheduled on time. Why the hell was he trying to get out of his flight home?

11:39pm No, it didn’t

11:40pm It did. They said the engines are broken

She sent through the screenshot of the page that she had just looked up.

11:40pm It says here that your flight is still scheduled for midnight

11:40pm Your website must be outdated

She didn’t have the energy at this hour to work out if he was joking or not. But she was pretty damn sure that the website would’ve been correct.

11:41pm Catch your damn plane, Matty

He smiled to himself as he read the message before tucking his phone into his pocket and handing over his boarding pass. The flight attendant gave him a warm smile as they scanned it and handed it back to him. He hadn’t really expected to be able to get away with it two nights in a row, but he felt it was still worth the shot.

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#matty healy x reader #Matthew Healy x Reader #Sunsetinmyvein

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hyungsnkisses · 5 years

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Dating Min Yoongi

( ~ o l d r e q u e s t ~ )

♡ contains fluff and a small amount of smut, viewer discretion is advised

yoongi would be such a low maintenance boyfriend

he’d never expect anything from you except your love

and lord knows he has a lot of love to give

all this about yoongi being aloof and not interested is a load of horseshit

he is a clingy and whiny boyfriend periodt

you’d meet in the late night convenience store where you worked part time

you spent your evening shifts studying for college because evenings were usually pretty quiet

at around 1am on a wednesday evening the doorbell chimes and you look up from your books to welcome whomever had entered the store

you look up to see a slim figure in an oversized black hoodie wrestling with packets in the ‘to-go’ section

the hooded guy throws a bunch of coins on the counter in front of you and rushes back out

it happens like clockwork the same time each week

one week he comes in an awful lot calmer and wearing a fitted shirt instead of his usual comfortable clothing

he still grabs the same cup noodles and health drink

“you’re an awful lot calmer today than you usually are”

“i’m sorry?”

“well, i- usually you just throw some coins and me and run away”

“oh, i’m sorry my first impression is that... i’ve been really busy lately”

“it’s no bother, it’s just nice to see you more calm”

he grins over the top of his mask and you catch a glimpse of his cute gummy smile

your heart beats a little quicker

he continues coming into the store and begins buying two of everything and offering it to you

you’d sit with him at one of the table next to the counter

he offered to help you with your studies on your days off and after exchanging numbers he invited you into his studio

he’d test you until you looked tired

one study session he didn’t know what came over him but he had to know what his pout felt like against yours

before you knew it you were sat on his lap in the middle of a steamy make out

it got the awkwardness of first dates out of the way though

the first thing yoongi did as your official boyfriend is make you quick your god awful job

because it wasn’t healthy for you to be studying all day and working all night

you opted for a quiet coffee house job about a mile away from your dorm

it also gave yoongi an excuse to come and visit you at work for coffee

maybe sneak a kiss if he was lucky

you’d be in his studio most days if you didn’t have classes

just his presence quietly tapping away at the computer was enough to relax you

you have to baby him quite a lot

“yoongs, it’s late time to go home”

“i just need to finish this”

“no you don’t, you can do it in the morning, baby”

“but-”

“no buts, let’s get some dinner”

he’s be mr grumpy pants but he knew it was out of affection

you’d end up at his favourite lamb skewer restaurant

he wouldn’t let your hand go throughout the meal

he loves skinship so much

nothing major but yoongi loves having your tiny hand in his huge shovels

even if they’re calloused from the amount of times you burned yourself at work

he especially loves stroking his palm on your cheek before he kisses you

he enjoys watching the little blush that rises on your cheek

on days off he’d just want to cuddle you and be with you

you’d be in lounge wear just led watching movies together

yoongi would always want you to lay on top of him so he can draw patterns on your back

he’d definitely be planting kisses on your cheek every 30 seconds

“babe stop”

“stop what?”

“kissing me, it tickles”

“... you want me to stop?”

“well, no... but i can’t concentrate on the movie”

“good”

but like if you wanted to go somewhere on a mutual day off he isn’t opposed

but he isn’t gonna cover up when in public because he wants you to be able to see him

he knows being an idol is incredibly frustrating but he wants a normal relationship

and you didn’t mind stopping if a fan wanted a picture

you’d go to the zoo specifically because he knows you love giraffes

or to the theme park despite his hatred for big rides

he’s always doing things because he knows you like them

he just wants to see you happy

he’d take lots of photos of you on his big camera as well

“baby smile”

“not another one, yoongs”

“i need more for my collection”

he just needs enough photos so he doesn’t miss you so much when he goes on tour

you both know it’s inevitable but you don’t talk about it

until the day comes

and he goes to america

and you miss him terribly one night

you’ll phone him sobbing

“it hurts, yoongi”

“i know, baby, i know...”

“how much longer?”

“only 8 days, it hurts me too... i miss you so much”

he surprises you the day he comes back with a massive bunch of roses

you don’t stop cuddling for a solid 3 hours

yoongi isn’t one to say i love you in the conventional sense

his ‘i love you’s are more ‘get home safe’ and ‘did you eat today?’

but the day he does say it doesn’t come as a surprise to you

because you know he’s loved you for a long time

it would probably be the morning after your first time being intimate

you’d be lying in his bed completely naked just enjoying each other’s warmth

your body would still be engulfed in his embrace

you’d breathe in the fragrance left on his neck from yesterday and press a kiss to his collarbone

“mm morning gorgeous”

“morning~”

“did you sleep well?”

“very much... do you want me to make you breakfast, yoongs?”

“yes please, i love you”

he wouldn’t let you leave after some kissing though

while being with yoongles is a breeze, he gets jealous really easily

don’t be spending too much time with hoseok or he will throw hands

“hoseok, do you want to eat- oh! Y/N, i didn’t know you were here”

“hi yoongs, hobi just needed my help with something”

“h-hobi?”

“yeah...?”

“right”

he’d stomp off into his genius lab and lock the door

but that is voided because you know the code to his door

he’d go really small and quiet when he told you he didn’t like it when you hung out with the other members

he would only forgive you if you bought him shaved ice and cuddled for a while

you literally can’t say no to his pouty face

he just loves you so much like he wants to spend his entire existence with you

he’s so lucky to have you

sometimes yoongi likes cute and cuddly sex

and sometimes he likes passionate and steamy sex

he likes to worship your body like it’s the most beautiful thing he has ever seen

definitely likes to get you off before even thinking about himself

his hips can snap extremely deep and fast so you might need to prepare yourself for that

if he’s feeling really hot he might mix it up with some toys and stuff

cuddly sex would normally be if he woke up with a surprise in the morning

he’d be all blushy and cute

you’d be so close as you sat on his lap and gently rode him

gummy smiles everywhere

loves to have a shower with you post-sex and dress you up in soft and warm pyjamas

although you need to take care of him as much as he takes care of you

i mean it’s only fair

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nyrator · 3 years

Text

in a strange state at the moment

depressed and with a terrible sleep schedule

fell asleep yesterday at 5AM, woken up by texts from boyfriend, fed the cats at 1:30pm, and laid back in bed until 9pm, then ate breakfast

then at 10:30pm, just went back to sleep, woke up at 1AM and back to boyfriend things as he goes to bed, then got out of bed at 2:30am to feed the cats again, check the mail, and eat lunch

spent the rest of that time just playing that dissidia phone game since Kuja got an upgrade in it, lots of new stuff I don’t understand how to grind for

got that KH MoM game Friday, beat it with everything three starred yesterday. Fun game, missing a few of my favorite songs, which is a shame. Dark Impetus, Tears of the Light, the San Fransokyo theme, etc etc.

The main game is alright, not a fan of the boss battle/cutscene-esque ones though. Hard to see the directions for the sticks sometimes, and the multi-green-holding ones always confuse my fingers.

Not sure what to do in it now, played over a third of the songs on Proud Mode, guess I could try to beat them all on Proud eventually. Trying to perfect them seems like an exercise in tedium, though. I appreciate the potential pun they’re going for in the ending, good on ya, final and fantasy (the biggest reach but I can see it) and square. Don’t think I saw an ounce of Demyx in that game though which was sad

Been extremely depressed lately.

Relationship is barely existent and mainly filled with melancholy and depression. At the same time, it’s really the only thing I have that I could claim keeps me going. It’s taking its toll on my mental health more and more with each passing day. I don’t have the strength to comfort him or explain myself anymore. Too scared to say anything anymore. I don’t know what to do. The moment anything inconvenient happens- that’s it, the week is filled with depression. It hurts. Nothing can be done but sitting there and taking it. So helpless.

My terrible communication skills still affect things negatively. Just can’t initiate. Can’t maintain it. With anyone. Scared to talk to old friends, current friends, anyone, even though I admire them, I still just keep failing to reach out. I’ve been told several times how little I must actually care. I wonder if the reason I have so much trouble is because I really don’t care. But if I didn’t care, why does it hurt and bother me so much.

World is still filled with violence and people hating each other- which is normal, we’re humans, I guess. But it hurts seeing so many people encourage it, justifying violence and hating others, based on broad strokes or misunderstandings. Just following people, or being in servers with people, who encourage and laugh about hating others, it wears on me

just so tired

don’t know what to do about food, or sleep

6AM now, do I eat dinner, do I go back to sleep, do I stay awake and just try just starting over and eating breakfast and lunch again at more regular times, I don’t know

my room’s a mess, can’t bring myself to do anything about it. Haven’t done laundry in weeks. Can’t remember the last time I showered, less than a week ago I hope. Keeping track of time is so hard. Doing anything is so hard. Have things I should put away that people shouldn’t see, but have just left them lying around without care anymore

Feels like my muscles have really begun to atrophy, it’s hard just to stand and walk anymore.

My diet is going okay, I suppose. Or maybe it’s not. I eat a peanut butter sandwich for breakfast (60g peanut butter, 100% whole wheat bread) with some vitamins. For lunch, half of a peanut butter sandwich (30g with one slice of bread cut in half). Dinner is either half a box of kraft mac and cheese with a quarter cup of milk and no butter/margarine, or 112g of either spaghetti or rotini with some meatless delgrosso sauce, about a half cup or less.

Essentially, 1200-1300 calories a day. Been losing about 1.1 lbs every week. Feeling like it’s not enough to keep me awake, though. Or maybe that’s just depression. 1500 is the recommended cut off, after all. Probably nothing nutritional in what I eat, either.

It’s so hard just to make myself eat consistently. Dinner especially, having to wash dishes and boil and measure food, even something as simple as what I eat, just so draining. I keep contemplating skipping meals- I’ve skipped a few the past few weeks. Not to lose weight, but just because I don’t feel like eating. I hear starving to death is painful, though, so I’ll most likely keep eating to avoid pain. But I really don’t enjoy eating, and it’s often something I’m guilted about.

6:35am now, just been sitting here for a while, still debating what to do about food. No desire to prepare something, and I’ve run out of mac and cheese anyway because I was too socially anxious to go into an aisle with a bunch of people in it last week when I went shopping.

art is still an exercise in futility- can’t feel inspired to draw at all, or work on any projects. Would like to, but just so empty headed and lose all passion the moment I try putting the pen to the tablet.

Once black friday’s over, I can’t see them bringing me back to work. I was their main lighting person, but if they’re able to handle lighting pine without me, and handle their busiest season of the year without me, then I can’t see them having any reason to need to bring me back at all. Don’t think I can handle any other job, though. Don’t think I can handle existing.

I just feel like absolute garbage right now, maybe I’ll just try to lay down and start over the next time I get up. Traffic is out and the sun is too, so who knows how successful I’ll be. Feel tired and hungry and like I’ve cried for hours, though I haven’t cried at all and all I’ve done is sleep

I just don’t know how to keep going

#text stuffs #nyrants

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soysaucevictim · 5 years

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Time for something different than the past few weeks - I’m going to get back on the programs/challenges thing. One less thing taking mental work (training plans are reasonably fun - but yeah).

Oct. 19

I woke up a bit before noon today.

Spent a good deal of the day on the usual stuff, before setting out to exercise.

First, today’s DD. 20 skydiver push-ups with EC. Got through by the skin of my teeth - despite running on coffee and chocolate beforehand. But mission accomplished.

(After some distractions and mulling over my exercise plans...)

Second, Day 1 of the 30 Days of HIIT Program. Cardio HIIT, done at Level 3. I definitely started to feel it in the latter half and it got me into the sweat zone really good! I didn’t realize until later that the main version discrepancy was in the number of sets per level was required. So this was a bit easier, on the face of it.

This is going to be a second go around for me and was one of the first programs I’ve completed by DAREBEE. So it’s going to be interesting to get it done at higher levels than before (with a newer version than what I did before). Let’s see if I can hit Level 3 all the way through!

Third, Day 1 of the Power Grip Challenge. 40″ of un/clenching fists. I wound up doing things a bit faster than the .gif. Remains to be seen if can continue to out-pace it throughout the challenge. But I will try to make sure to “keep up”. This will be good for my wrists, especially with a long history at the computer. :,D

(After a few hours to chill, work on art, and wind down...)

Last, Day 1 of the Get To Bed On Time Challenge. I barely managed to get to bed before 1AM - but “I’ve got this.“

Oct. 20

I woke up a bit before 1PM, today.

Spent some time on the usual, before getting in my exercises.

First, today’s DD. 20 single leg deadlifts with EC (10/10). This took like 4 attempts but finally got it done. The successful attempt had a lot of wobbling, especially from a bit of muscle fatigue and frustration - but I managed to keep from falling out. Despite said frustration - I appreciate balance work a lot. :D

Second, Day 2 of the 30DoHIIT. Elbow plank, done at Level 3. This was one of the version discrepancies with the first time around, 10-20-30 vs 10-20-10-20. I think the new structure is a bit more challenging (possibly because sum rest time during the round is less). The first 10″ interval is a bit awkward because of the time spent getting to position after a timer reset.

Third, Day 2 of the PGC. 40″ overhead flex hold. This was surprising a bit challenging! I had to carry over the steady breathing from the HIIT workout, for sure.

(After doing some more Pomodoro-timed art progress in...)

Last, Day 2 of the G2B.

Oct. 21

I got up a bit before 9AM, today.

After a bit of gaming, doing some dishes, and rewatching some KLK, I went directly to getting my exercise in early.

First, today’s DD. 1′ plank leg raises with EC. I counted 62 reps, by the end. The form was a bit awkward to keep track of the timer on my desk from the floor for the first half. But it was doable. :D

Second, Day 3 of the 30DoHIIT. One & One. I remember that these days kicked my ass the first time around. But, I do think that this version’s selection of exercises were easier to manage. (Maybe in a future go-around - I’ll revisit the old version of the program!)

I did count my reps for the whole sequence, too:

High Knees - 141

Butt Kicks - 128

Side Leg Raises - 58 (Alternated each rep)

Chest Expansions - 58

Jumping Jacks - 64 (Fun stuff, but kinda glad that this was the last “hard“ exercise of the workout.) :,D

Raised Arm Circles - 115 (Switched direction every 20 reps)

Alt Arm / Leg Raises - 40 (Alternated each rep)

Raised Leg Swings - 98 (Switched at 30″)

Knee-In Extensions - 42 (Switched at 30″; made awkward by constant tilting of line of sight between floor and desk to see the timer)

Third, Day 3 of the PGC. 50″ un/clenching fists. Managed to outpace the .gif again - but I did have to slow down near the end. May have to moderate things sooner than later. :P

(After some time, made some notes for my dental appointment tomorrow. I also worked on more art while using the Pomodoro technique.)

Last, Day 3 of the G2B. I managed to get to bed a bit before 1AM - so I’m holding the yellow zone. Barely scraping the ideal of around midnight. But, I have to allow some grace.

Oct. 22

I woke up after 9AM. Kind of annoyed about the alarm not going off. Not sure if I forgot to set it or just didn’t hear it, but thankfully my ride calling us got me up.

Went to the facility, but all I really did was participate in Seeking Safety Group and talking with the facilitator about various things (which was enjoyable). Good thing I didn’t completely lose track of time and was able to pull away on time to get picked up for my dental appointment.

Despite being a ball of nerves - the diagnostic appt went well enough. I'm going to try & see if getting a fitted night-guard may help. But I may have to consider getting orthodontics, down the road. Aesthetically, I don't mind having crooked teeth. I guess there may be functional reasons to do it.

I mean... I do bite my right cheek on accident more often than the other. And it may better distribute bite force on my teeth, in general (not just for the sensitive one). I guess I'm warming up to that idea more than ever. Only concern is if it's deemed a cosmetic procedure.

But, I think this was a good first impression with this clinic. They seemed very nice and communicative. So that was another point in the good for this experience. I’m doing something about this. That matters.

Got home (the transporter guy was fun to talk to, today), did some of the usual - but I did bake some pizza and exercised (even though I was already kind of exhausted at that point).

First, today’s DD. 30 reverse crunches with EC. Probably among my favorite crunch variations. Happy that despite a heavy meal, this wasn't a problem.

Second, Day 4 of the 30DoHIIT. Basic Burpees, done at Level 3. I noticed some concerning, but painless instability in left knee and ankle throughout the latter half. That did get pretty winding, regardless! (Like the elbow plank day, I think this was a bit tougher than the older version.)

Third, Day 4 of the PGC. 50″ overhead flex hold. Pretty simple and to the point.

Fourth, for supplementary cooldown, I did Iron Bar + Footwork to address the knees and ankles a bit more. I may have to run these WOs more for the next few days to see if that’ll rectify those concerns.

(After a few hours chilling with the usual activities...)

Last, Day 4 of the G2B. I went to bed in the green zone, tonight. (Estimated clock out time being before 1AM.)

Oct. 23

I woke up a bit after 10AM, today.

Spent a few hours on the usual before exercising, today.

First, today’s DD. 10 shrimp squats without EC. I felt I could only get 3/4s the way down to the floor, with chair support. It's super intense in the knees and I kind of didn't want to accidentally ram them into the ground on descent or be unable to get up. :P

Second, Day 5 of the 30DoHIIT. Active Plank, done at Level 3. Despite the lower set ranges - I think the fact it was all elbow plank variations might’ve made this harder than the older version of things, certainly more anaerobic (and wearing long sleeves were very necessary). I really felt my abs during the body saws, not breaking the plank until the side bridges (which was kinda odd to structure for an uneven number of seconds and without a 7.5″ buzzer - I settled on shooting for 4/4 to maximize rep count and symmetrical loading.)

Third, Day 5 of the PGC. 1′ un/clenching fists. Just about doable. Only issue was the long sleeves trapping my fingers’ ROM a couple times, when arms were down.

Fourth, I did the same cooldown workouts as yesterday. Iron Bar burns so good. :,D

Last, Day 5 of the G2B. I got to bed a bit before 1AM - so it was marked down as yellow for me.

Oct. 24

I woke up a bit after 8AM, today.

Got to the facility, did some drawing, and attended both the WRAP and Grounding Group today. Felt productive and reasonably thought-provoking.

Got home, was roped into a game of rummy but I had to tap out after that one. I was just too fucking tired to keep track of stuff. I think I was polite about it, though.

Did some of the usual to recover a bit, before getting in my exercise.

First, today’s DD. 40 ninja lunges with EC. Had to shore up a bit of energy after an exhausting day, to get this done. Was pretty busy, today. :P

Second, Day 6 of the 30DoHIIT. High Knees, Level 3. I think this was possibly easier than the old version - mostly for the lower set count. Nevertheless - I really felt the fatigue after the first 2-3 sets. Probably was not that great to do, feeling like I needed a couple hours of sleep.

Third, Day 6 of the PGC. 1′ overhead flex hold. Just doable.

Last, I did the same cooldown workouts as yesterday. I think that doing these as supplements will be a good thing.

I didn’t get to bed on time due to distractions.

Oct. 25

I woke up around noon, today.

Did a bit of the usual + some errands (got a flu shot + shopped to prep for the predicted outage tomorrow.)

Today’s an active rest day, so I didn’t do much in terms of exercise.

First, today’s DD. 2′ sitting punches with EC. This was another personal favorite and holding that ab engagement the whole time got to be quite the willpower game! I counted 253 punches thrown in the duration, feels like a good pace. :D

(After some time with the usual, and getting dishes done...)

Last, Day 6 of the G2B. I went to bed a bit before midnight. So, I hit the yellow zone again.

With that, I’m going to post this now. Power may go out later today (26).

#adventures with fitness

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thedappleddragon · 3 years

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haha here we go again

there's a lot of dumb ranting and 3 days worth of logs and a dream in here so im gonna spare evryone’s dashboard and just put it all under the cut.

tw bad memories, talk of unhealthy relations with food, and dreams about dead animals

I realized I kind of entirely forgot to write about what I did yesterday? I kind of did a lot. I know my mom wanted to work on getting tile laid out in front of her bathroom, so we worked together to scrub the concrete and wipe up all the dirt and dust and whatever was under the carpet and remove some of the nails in the floor and bring up a spiky metal strip between the bathroom door and where the carpet was. The other main thing I remember is deciding to continue work on my dress, sewing up the outer bodice, checking that the bodice and lining would fit together, deciding I’d rather have no different colored front panel, and working on the circle skirt. At first I tried cutting the fabric on my bed, but it wasn’t big enough and too lumpy. I contemplated asking my friends if I could borrow their dining table, but I ended up clearing off my own. After I traced and was in the middle of pinning, I accidentally knocked over a glass bowl that I had set on the chair. My mom heard it from the other room and had me come to her room to tell her what it was. She got angry at me, which I thought was fuckin stupid if it was an accident, but after some reflection while cleaning up the glass pieces, I kind of understood why. Mostly I got a little upset about 2 ceramic pieces I made during school breaking a little from the drop. One was a mushroom house from middle school that always makes me remember feeling like an asshole during peer review when I told my person to smooth their project more because I didn’t know “no improvement needed” was an option until I got back to my desk and saw my person saying it was good in all categories because everyone thought my project was great for some reason. The other was a bunch of flowers on a circle. It was the last project we did before quarantine hit, I think. That one is in less tough shape, just a couple flowers knocked off and a chip on one of them. They can both be glued back together, I guess. Then my mom called me back into her room to listen to her talk about wanting to eat huge amounts of food, because she’s clinically depressed with BPD and PTSD and DID and several other acronyms and her favorite coping mechanism is food, but her doctor put her on a diet so she can get her knees replaced, but recently she’s been getting into a zone where she talks about wanting to eat entire cakes and pizzas and buckets of kfc and a gallon of queso or whatever the fuck and she goes “doesn’t that sound GOOD?” And I have to laugh along and say “haha no that sounds bad actually” and get her a piece of ham or something. And every time she goes on her spiel the only thing I can think of is the greedy from the raggedy Ann and Andy musical. It’s just this horrible undulating orange blob that eats everything in sight and seeing it for the first time just made me think of mom and it made me very uncomfortable, with all the orange goo and hurling noises. Also reminds me of this horrible video game boss fight where it’s the apocalypse and a fat lady on a scooter took over the buffet and eats so much during her boss fight, during the defeat cutscene she projectile vomits everywhere and dies. My brother Greg showed me that thinking it was funny. I hated it, and I still do. He showed me a lot of things he thought were funny as a shitty little kid, and I remember several of them being very upsetting. It’s ok. I don’t want to dwell on it. But after cleaning the glass and talking to mom I brought my fabric to my room and called it a night. Oh wait my dad also helped me with some paperwork my coworker handed me so I could get on the payroll.

Today I woke up differently than I have in a long time. I set an alarm for 10 am so I could be at work by 11, but I woke up at 9 from a heavy sleep with dreams about hanging out with my friend in my room, worrying about my dirty house. I wanted to sleep longer, so I got up at 10 to have breakfast and get ready. I spent my shift changing the price tags all around the store, making everything more expensive. I’m gonna work again on Tuesday where I’ll learn how to use the register. I hope I don’t fuk it up, but I have a couple days to relax until then. Maybe I’ll work on my dress. My friends all want to go to prom together, so my new deadline will be March 2nd or a little before. I still need to buy a ticket, but I don’t have access to the link to buy one :( bleh I’m too tired right now to worry about this shit. I only worked 4 hours again today, but after I got home I felt like I could have worked longer if they gave me something else to do. The only price tags left to change were a bunch of grills and stuff I don’t know about but I don’t know if they had any other work for my to do. But I’m glad I went home tho because I was hungry and my feet hurt from standing lol. I did laundry and made myself dinner and washed my hair and drew a little bit and made the table and tbh the pacing of today has been so weird I don’t remember everything. It’s only 1am but I think I’m just gonna go to bed. my friends started talking about going to prom, and I really want to join them, but I can't figure out where/how to buy a ticket. my brain started being really mean to me, syaing that I was being annoying and pushy and that they didnt want me at prom for some reason, so I low-key almost made myself cry until my friend offered to let me be their platonic date since their partner couldn't go.

last night I had a dream about a hard video game where when you played it, the black shadow enemies would fight you in real life, and one of them left imprints on my arm in the shape of lego bricks. they could only attack you so long as you played the game, and they tried to capture people and you were supposed to save them. I decided it was my time to play, and I walked into my garage that had turned into a cave with bat-people fused into the wall. I paid them no mind as I rescued a girl who was my irl brother, grabbing her hand and pulling her into another versoin of my garage which was uncorrupted and normal looking. she thanked me, and I said it was no problem. then I tricked her, telling her not to trust so easily, as I became one of the shadow enemies and engulfed her in a black sack, trapping her and leaving the room. I came back a couple minutes later, letting him free (now my brain told me he was my brother) telling him I just wanted to know if I was capable of tricking him, and didnt actually want to kill him or whatever. another big chunk of my dream was taken up by me, my sister, and my dad visiting a run down petting zoo/gamestop. the petting zoo barn was very dark with low ceilings with lots of rabbits and pigs and hay. one of us accidentally killed either a pig or a tiger right next to the exit door, and I had to slink around the gamester trying to distract the owner and keep him from going in the barn and escaping at the same time. I dont remember how it ended, other than me waking up with a sore throat from breathing so deeply through my nose. I had slept on my stomach wit my pillow in my face so I could hardly breathe, and even after I woke up I felt like I wasnt getting enough air. I HATE that feeling, I always felt like I was suffocating in middle school for some reason. I thinkk somethings wrong with my airway but im not gonna do anything about it. im gonna continue to spend 80% of my day laying down so my resting heart rate and breathing speed is slower than an goddamn sloth. whatever.

right now as im laying in bed typing this I feel utterly unpoductive but I KNOW I did SOME shit today. but yeah mostly I relaxed. I worked on my dress, removing and replacing the blue front panel. I lost my exacto knife somewhere so I went to dollar tree to get a knockoff, along with snacks for mom and my sister. the blades aren't as sharp as exacto, but I still know where the name brands blades are so maybe Ill try and see if they're compatible. when I open the package everything was oily and gross, so I washed everything off with soap and water before I used them to cut the threads of the panel seams. I could have used my seam ripper but I wanted to get a replacement craft knife anyway. its kinda neat that it came with 6 different shaped blades for different crafts :) but uhh I also cut out the other half of the circle skirt of the dress, and I have a bunch of extra fabric left over. probably enough to make a whole other bodess if I wanted too. I used my sewing machine to attach the new front panel, and I was hoping to get more sewing done tonight, but when I asked my sister if it was ok for me to use my sewing machine (it right next to the wall between our rooms so she can hear it from there) she said she was going to bed soon so I just attatched the front panel and called it a night. so that kinda sucked. I still have another day tomorrow before I have to work again, and I can still work on my dress on Tuesday after work. idk why my brain thinks that one 4 hour shift is gonna take up my entire day lmao. I just have to get the whole thing done by may 2nd. GOD that reminds me, im gonna be so busy next month. I have six events back to back happening like every other day, plus work. oof. I'll have to let my boss know, but idk If that's gonna make him mad. I've already got pretty comfortable with the lady in charge of the garden center who’s taken lead position while the manager is on vacation, but I dont think I;ll every understand my boss. he’s a sarcastic busy old man and NOT AT ALL approachable. whatever. really the only other tings I did today were drink a shit ton of water play harvest moon, spend too much time on tiktok, and sraw a couple dum things for my friends’ princess au. I fucking HATE the drawing I did for Anna, so I designed her a secondary outfit more inspired by sky pirate bohemian vibes, since she rules over the floating islands. idk if I'll replace her old outfit with the new one in the lineup or just re-draw her old one with better shapes and composition and match the style better or what. I just need it changed eventually becasuse it looks like ass. tbh now that ve taken a little bit of time away from the princess au, there are a couple designs im not 100% satisfied with. but I know that if I go back and make them more detailed or whatever the’ll be more of a hassle to draw and aslkdfhalksdf I dont know anymore. I'm still tied up about color pallets and trying to give everyone a distinct color, and im a little upset it doesn't quite work, and FUCK dude the edgy one’s lore and character are weird and I kind of want to revise it to make it a little nicer but its not my character and I need to stop shoving my dirty little mitts into everyone’s ocs and AHAGHRGHGARGHHG idk man. her power is necromancy and she has a skeleton army, which I think I kinda cool, but I also think it would be neat if her powers extended beyond just that to communing with the dead, helping them find rest, and THEN maybe it can branch into helping fallen soldiers fight again to help them with unfinished buisness. and then if she goes feral and starts abusing her powers, she ignores all the communication and concent with the dead and instead magically rips them from thr ground to do her bidding and they’re uncontrollable and violent and aimless, just like her mind slipping from the magical blight infecting her. idk man we’re till working on a lot of lore. her concept could be SO COOL with just that little bit of extra thought, but so far it’s just MY POWER IS DEATH IM SO EDGY. ugh I know its fuckin rude to bash your friends oc ideas and I might be too overbearing and controlling of this au but dammit im tired and im mean sometimes and my ego is through the goddamn roof and im so sexy and im always right and my meat is huge. ah shit I rpomised my friend I would help her with character design for the dead king but I was busy when she firat asked me and now im not busy but im not doing it ugh. im just frustrated right now because I spent wayyyy to fuckin long just laying in bed watching tikotks and youtube and playing harvest moon an doing jack shit all day. but hey at least I attempted to get a new social security card again today. and them promptly gave up when they said my adress was invalid. again. I feel like im in an uncomfortable medium between having no plans and worrying about the future and having too many plans all the time oh my god. ive been so focused on getting a job and then having a job and making this dress I completely forgot about college shit. thankfully there's no hard deadlines coming up that I haven't already finished. whatever I dont really want to worry about all this hit right now, im just gonna take it one day at a time. (haha it feels like my angel oc just stepped in. how nice of him :) )

#thanks for coming to my ted talk #April 2021 daily #2021 daily

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jakesanxietydiary · 3 years

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12/30/2020

Decided to make a separate post for today since my earlier post was really about yesterday. Today Im in even higher spirits. I went out for food and to pick up a prescription and did my therapy appointment in my car. Things seem to be going uphill I think. The “unfamiliar” feeling is still really persistent but Im not allowing myself to dwell on it or get upset. Im just hoping and preying that it goes away with time as I continue to not address it. I have no idea what it is thats causing this.. and its pretty uncomfortable, still kind of like I’m not really taking things in or relating to them.

Also still kinda miffed about New Years. Not only is my mom leaving me alone for the holiday, but when John was telling me about what he was doing he seemed kind of forlorn about it, and because I was too I asked if he wanted to hang out for the evening to keep each other company. He said he wouldn’t be available so I assume hes gonna spend the evening with his online friends. Not gonna lie, Im feeling a little abandoned. anxiety: 3

disconnection: 5

Flatness: 2 ____________________________________________ 2:45 AM of 12/31/20 Well I got the feeling in my right side to go away. I dont know how I did it. I was laying in bed with my eyes closed just rearranging my focuses and my energies and it just went away. I was so excited because immediately it felt like I was thinking clearer again. I discovered though that I dont think it was the ache/pain/shock causing the “unfamiliar” feeling, it was the “unfamiliar feeling” causing the ache/pain/shock. Now I’ve gotten the pain to go away but I still feel odd and not like myself. I dont feel comforted by any of my old go-to’s or any attraction to men. Everything just still feels “off”.” As always, I hope this goes away with time. This feels bigger than something that will just “go away” though. I spent the rest of the day doing little chores around the house, talking with family, and watching youtube videos. Daniel asked me about a month ago if I could draw him a promotion picture for a play he wrote called “Romantic Getaway” about a bunch of couples who go on vacation to a cabin in the woods and, of course, none of them make it out alive. I started drawing at around 8PM and didn’t stop until it was finished at about 1AM. Im glad I at least still have that, even if it does feel different... like everything... I need to be more patient. I guess after 4 months of real psychological trauma I can’t expect things to just snap back together and feel the same all at once, even if that is how it changed. Anxiety: 3 Disconnection: 5, Im not sure how to rate this now.. Flatness: 5

Alright time for the GLAD

Grateful- Im grateful that I’ve managed at least part of my anxiety today and am thinking clearer. Learned- I learned some new techniques on the drawing program I used. I always have trouble drawing hands and I learned a neat way to use existing picture of hands and tracing under a transparent already drawn hand. Accomplished- I got a little better today. I ran errands and cleaned. Stayed positive. I also worked very hard on an illustration and both I and Daniel loved the way it turned out. Hes even going to pay me a nice bit for it. Delighted- Im delighted that I was able to give my mom a good day of peace. Im delighted about my art. I was delighted by the Drag Race sneak peek that they posted this morning, even though watching it felt different.

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dat-town · 7 years

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Coffee taste (m)

Characters: Min Yoongi & You

Genre: fluff, smut (just a prolonged foreplay though)

Summary: As in what happens when you disturb your boyfriend late at night in his studio uninvited and try to lure him home.

Warnings: mild dirty talk and light sexual content

Words: 2963

I blame my late night conversation with @taetaeby about sweets, coffee and Yoongi.

“Come on, take a break.”

If there were a list of things you definitely shouldn’t tell Min Yoongi, that would be at the top of it right after Hey, wake up, sleepy head. Still, you get no reaction from the young man sitting in the chair in front the computer illuminated by its fluorescent light. His fingers are constantly typing, clicking, pausing or drumming to the beat that’s coming from his headphones. He is so lost in his music that he is completely unfazed by his surroundings. You take a few steps towards him after closing the door shut with a quiet click and setting aside the bag in your hands. You have always found the so-called Genius Lab cozy with its worn leather couch and stylish furniture decorated with memories of its owner’s most cherished or life-changing moments: a museum of photos, awards, CDs and let’s not forget about the iconic Kumamon plushies either.

Your steps come to a halt just to stand behind the swivel chair that provides you a better view of what Yoongi is currently working on. Not that you know anything about music softwares, so the only thing you comprehend is that he’s still staring at the same file he opened two days ago when you were in. Based on the empty pizza and Chinese take-out boxes in the corner it looks like he didn’t move around a lot in the meantime and you sigh at the collection of various neglected energy drinks on the wooden table. You gently pull off the headphones you bought for him last Christmas and place it around his neck while you bend down to rest your chin on his shoulder.

“Hey,” you greet him in a soft murmur, pressing a short peck on his nape which finally jerks him out of the trance. You feel the muscles in his shoulders tense immediately because he certainly didn’t expect a visitor in the middle of the night and your fingers move quickly to soothe him by applying light pressure on the uptight area.

“Oh shit, it’s late, right? I forgot about time,” cusses fly out of Yoongi’s mouth followed by a tired yawn and you can tell from his raspy, deep voice that he hasn’t spoken out loud in a while. Which means he didn’t really have company during the past days.

“It’s okay,” you reassure him like the patient girlfriend you are even if you hate sleeping in the cold king-sized bed alone. You had been well aware of his life style and perfectionism when you started dating after being just friends for years. You admire him for being so invested in music, living so diligently to his passion but you are willing to be that person who stops him if he overdoes it. Someone has to make sure he takes care of his health and doesn’t forget about his family and friends either.

Your hands smooth down on his hoodie-covered arms and when you reach his pale, bony fingers, both of you instinctively move to intertwine them with yours. “Let’s go. You need to get some rest,” you nudge him lightly, whispering into his skin that’s still faintly mint-scented despite the previous days without seeing daylight much less taking a decent shower.

“Soon. I’ll just finish this beat,” Yoongi promises hastily while he brings your hand close to his face and you feel his slightly chapped lips brushing over your knuckles lovingly. Even though his affectionate gesture sends shivers down your spine, you know better: in his dictionary soon means another hour then one more again and so on. The never-ending battle with his own expectations to create something perfect: he won’t stop until he’s satisfied with the track and that takes a lot of time. You can’t blame him because good things take time and the outcome is always jaw-dropping: a heart-stirring song you could cry on or a rap track you would be hyped for. However, it means a lot more nights spent alone. An unintended whine escapes your throat.

“You haven’t come home yesterday and the day before either,” you remind him trying not to pout but failing miserably. The disappointment must colour your voice too because Yoongi turns in his chair and looks at you with those sincere eyes as black as his favourite coffee.

“You know what it’s like with inspiration.”

It sounds like an apology you don’t want to hear. You understand and respect his love for music and his loyalty to his fans but you won’t let him work himself to death.

“I know,” you mutter with an acknowledging nod because during the last nine months of your relationship and ever before, as soon as you miraculously became friends with him over a cup of coffee, you promptly learned how it is when he gets into the zone. You literally had to drag him out last time when he was in this phase before their latest comeback. You mercilessly threatened him to visit Holly, his beloved dog in his hometown alone and bless your acting skills, he believed that and crawled out of his cave. Somehow you figured, the trick won’t work multiple times. So you adapt to the circumstances with a sigh. “I kind of already knew you would say that so I bought you coffee and sweets just in case your supply ran out.”

You draw back a little and pull out two cups of sweetened coffee from the bag set aside along with a package of colourful french fancies you bought at that fancy patisserie open 24/7 down the corner to ensure his normal blood sugar level. Of course, you also brought decent food: a serving of black bean noodles and spicy rice cake.

“You are an angel.” Your boyfriend exclaims with widened eyes, sitting up straight and he licks his lower lip at the sight. You just smile at his eagerness and hold out wooden chopsticks for him which he takes still dazed. “What did I do to deserve you? I must have saved the world in my earlier life.”

“Probably,” you laugh it off, a pink blush heating up your cheeks as you watch him attacking the sauced pasta. He doesn’t talk much while he’s munching on the food but he has always been softspoken. You’re glancing at the luminescent light of the clock on the shelf and it shows a little over 1AM.

Your boyfriend lets out a content sigh patting his now full stomach and tosses away the empty box. He wash away the taste of spicy food with big gulps of coffee and you swallow hard at the sight of his Adam’s apple bobbing. You can’t even argue with that fan claiming she would sue Yoongi because he really is a dangerous man. Who else could turn you on just by looking hella fine while drinking?

“I really needed this, thanks,” he rewards you with a grateful smile after he finishes the cup, and then turns back towards his computer to continue working.

You almost unconsciously slip off the table you’ve been sitting on the last fifteen minutes while Yoongi devoured the food you bought him. You know that you should probably go and leave him work in peace so he can come home in the morning and make it up to you. But you’re needy when it comes to his presence and you don’t want to leave yet, at least not alone. So you slip into his personal space trying not to block his view and unceremoniously sit on his lap sideways with your legs swinging on his left. You act like you don’t know what it does to him even though his tense grip on the computer mouse makes his knuckles turn white. Leaving it without comment, you casually stretch yourself to reach the package of pastries across him as if it was your sole purpose of closing the distance between you.

You open the plastic bag noisily to take out a strawberry flavoured dessert. As soon as the typing sound dies away in the background, you can sense Yoongi’s hungry gaze on you and try your best not to smile. The pastry looks delicious but when you hold it to him, he shakes his head dismissing your kind offer. Though, his dark eyes are still trained on you absorbedly and you dare to maintain the eye contact as you ever so slowly bite into the sweetness.

Eventually you end up smiling when the rapper’s breath hitch in his throat.

“Babe...”

It’s a warning, you know well but it doesn’t stop you from innocently licking the sugar off of your fingers that became sticky because of the frosting.

“Are you absolutely sure you don’t want to come home? To freshen up a little? We can shower together and then cuddle,” you murmur, your lips barely touching Yoongi’s ears but his hands suddenly find their way on your waist and his grip immediately tightens.

“Hm... tempting,” he lets out a shuddering breath and you enjoy the effect you have on him until you can. Most of the times he’s too composed to let you have the upperhand so it’s always thrilling to have a chance. He’s a little emotionally reserved, rarely allowing his feelings to be shown but right now he’s too tired to put on a mask and you shamelessly try to make the best out of it.

“Well, that’s what I was aiming for,” you admit with a cute giggle while your fingers are tangling in his soft locks. You press an unexpected peck on his cheek again but Yoongi takes you by surprise as he greedily chases after your sugary lips. He’s still a little tired so the kiss is kind of chaste and sloppy but you love it nonetheless. The coffee washed away the spiced flavours leaving nothing but the bittersweet caffeine aroma on his lips. Shakily you have to grab ahold of your boyfriend’s shoulders while he’s stroking your thigh through the thin fabric of your jeans. You kiss like this for what feels like hours and your limbs slowly turn into jelly at Yoongi’s light touches. You open your mouth instantly with a sigh when his tongue licks at your sugar-coated lips seeking entrance. The way the sweet taste of dessert and the bitterness of coffee mixes overwhelms you and before you could stop yourself, you let out a whimper in pleasure.

Yoongi pulls away with a light groan, panting heavily into your neck with his breath hitting on your heated skin.

“If you keep that up baby girl, even if we make it home, we won't sleep soon.”

You are already breathless from the kissing but the nickname and the implication that slips out of his mouth so casually really knocks out all the air from your lungs. You remind yourself that you came here with a purpose and you won’t be deceived so easily into thinking that it was his idea all along.

“You said you need to finish that damn beat so do it,” you provoke him, just a little and your daring gaze follows the way Yoongi’s tongue wets his lips. Both of you know that it’s a challenge but also a clear innuendo.

Finish what you started is one of Yoongi’s most common used line when it comes to you. He can be a teasing little shit in the bedroom but pretends not to like when you tease him (but oh, he does love it very much). You know exactly how to rile him up and he knows how to push your buttons to conjure up those sweet sounds he adores so much. Sometimes he’s rough and into dirty talk, whispering sinful things into your ear, telling you how much he’d like to record those filthy moans that leave your mouth and maybe include them in his next mixtape. His skillful, fire-spitting tongue and teeth are always on the mission of mapping out your whole body while he holds you down not letting you to touch him, torturing you in the best way possible and only allows you to have your release if you beg him like a good girl. But other times, he’s so gentle as if you were made of porcelain and his gentle touches are sorrys for the purple bruises and love bites he left earlier even though you love the way he marks you and makes you his. His butterfly kisses on your hot skin are full of praises, his mouth engraving silent I love yous on the canvas of your body while he makes love to you oh so good.

“Okay,” Yoongi shrugs nonchalantly, tugging the headphone back on one ear and starts revising the track, replaying it again and again leaving you disappointed and untouched like a doll in a vitrine.

You have no idea because he looks so put together as always that but deep down inside it’s killing him to resist and deny you what you want. Still, he acts like he’s unaffected by your charm and focuses on the unfinished melody while you watch silently as he works. You love observing him when he writes lyrics or produces a song, it's always so inspirational. But tonight, you aren’t in mood for inspiration. It's late and you want to go home. With him.

Your patience only lasts for a few more minutes and while your lips graze his earrings, you can’t see but rather feel Yoongi’s cunning smirk. He knows you too well, he knew you would break eventually, a lot sooner than he would give in because you aren’t as stubborn as him.

You plant a kiss under his ear, then right under his jaw, at the corner of his mouth and then on his plump pink lips. You expect him to stop you, to tell you to leave him alone for a bit but he surprises you once again and you gasp loudly when he finally kisses you back with fervor. His hands cup your face keeping you close while you lick the taste of iced americano out of his mouth and savour it. He always tastes like coffee. bitter and sweet at the same time, it's addictive, really.

“Impatient, are we? You really want me that much, huh?” He chuckles sneaking a hand under the hem of your shirt so he can caress the soft skin of your stomach.

“So bad,” you admit without shame and your eyes flutter half-closed at the wonders his long, pianist fingers are doing to your skin leaving goosebumps behind. You can’t even protest, not when he asks you so nicely. But who could blame you? When a comeback or concert tour is nearing, you see your boyfriend less often and he’s always so stressed, you rarely have time to be intimate. It’s been a while and you missed feeling him close.

“You couldn’t even wait until I finish. You’re so spoiled, princess,” Yoongi clicks his tongue disapprovingly and you feel arousal licking your veins at the authoritative tone of his smooth voice. The small studio suddenly feels too hot. Perhaps you like it a little too much when he takes charge. You can’t seem to shake off the memories of him blindfolding you and tying you up completely leaving you at his mercy and you think you could get off on that thought alone. But why bother if he was right here?

“Will you punish me for being bad?” you ask seductively, fluttering your eyelashes at him while your naughty fingers dance down on Yoongi’s chest until the button of his jeans and you tease it just to test the waters without taking your eyes off of him.

“Maybe,” he replies after a moment or two of nerve-wrecking silence and his raspy voice sends shivers down your spine. The anticipation is building up quickly as you bury your fingers into Yoongi’s soft raven hair you adore so much and he wastes no time to crash your lips together. As you devour each other you can still feel the sleepiness in your boyfriends’ lazy moves but you find it too attractive to complain about it. Maybe he will make you do all the work tonight, but you wouldn’t regret it one bit.

The way his calloused fingers tap on the small of your back makes you bold and he growls into your mouth when you sit a little too close to his sensitive part.

“I changed my mind…” he pants heavily as he pulls back but you’re no better when a whine escapes your mouth. You can’t help the tremble either that shakes you to the core when his rough voice whispers those dirty words so close to your ear, his teeth gently nipping at your earlobe. “You’re definitely going to get punished. You’ll regret playing with me, baby girl.”

You know that he’s dead serious because he doesn’t joke about these things. Yet, it’s not fear but excitement that makes your blood boil. He’s like fire, burning hot but you’re reckless enough to seek this intoxicating sensation.

“Really? Because so far you’ve been all talk but no action,” you say trying to keep your voice as calm as possible but it cracks when Yoongi’s fingers teasingly play with the clasp of your lacy bra under your shirt. Staring into his darkened coffee brown orbs, you can pinpoint the exact moment when he snaps. He dives in to lock lips with you quickly and roughly one last time before he pats your butt silently ordering you to stand up. As you obediently do that, you can see the mischievous glint in Yoongi’s eyes and the dangerous curve of his mouth promising you a long, long night.

“Okay, you won. Let’s go home.”

And oh, winning never felt so sweet.

#bangtan bookclub #bts scenarios #suga scenarios #bts smut #suga smut #bts fluff #suga fluff #stories

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