#I told them they should communicate When they want sth done

[veronicaphoenix]

Title: Into the Abyss of Bad Habits — Part Three | Words: 10k

Tags & trigger warnings: unresolved to resolved feelings, polyamorous relationship, angst to fluff and comfort, mentions of anxiety, sexual content, including threesome, p in v (protected), oral sex (both receiving), overstimulation, edge play, slight bondage, blindfolding, mentions of spankings, double penetration. (Let me know if I'm missing sth).

Author’s note: here it finally goes :) this is for you all. Thank you for reading and sharing your reactions 💕

INTO THE ABYSS OF BAD HABITS — PART THREE

“Where are you?” My brother’s voice reached my ears through the phone line.

I stopped the absent-minded tracing of letter on the surface of my Costa Coffee cup and furrowed my brow. “What do you mean, ‘where am I’? I’m in England. I told you I’d be here until—”

“I know you’re in England, smartass,” he retorted. He was likely in his office, settling into his morning routine in Los Angeles, while it was mid-afternoon in the UK. “I mean, where exactly? I got a call from Noah twenty minutes ago. He’s freaking out because you’re nowhere to be found and you’re not answering his calls or messages.” 

“Oh.”

Noah had indeed tried reaching me several times since morning, calling and texting and then joining the iMessage group where Oliver had also added his fair dose of worried and then angry messages. I should have said something, I realized now, at least to reassure them that nothing had happened —besides getting fucked by both of them and feeling very sore—. 

The memories from last night flooded back and I tightened my grip on the cup of hot chocolate, tuning out the noise of the people around me. 

When I left the hotel that morning, I walked far from it hoping a change of scenery might clear my head and provide some clarity on what I’d done and its implications for my relationships with Noah and Oliver. But even after skipping lunch for a coffee at Starbucks, then trying my luck with a hot chocolate at Costa, nothing seemed to help.    

I was doomed, and my brother’s call was the last thing I needed.

Jack called my name repeatedly until he had to raise his voice, pulling me from my thoughts. “Are you there? What’s going on?”

“Yeah, I’m here. I’m—I’m just in a café. I was feeling suffocated with all the coming and going between hotels and venues, bus rides and all the work and…”

“Did something happen?”

“No,” I replied too quickly, knowing he’d detect the evasion.  

I could almost envision his raised eyebrow on the other end of the line. 

 “You slept with him again, didn’t you?”

“Jack, that’s none of your business.”

“I know, but you’re my sister and your well-being is, in fact, my business. I know something is up by the way Noah was speaking, and there was some Brit losing his mind in the background, too. What is this all about?”

“Jack, trust me, you don’t want to know.”

There was a silence coming from his side and my cheeks started burning. I glanced around nervously, feeling as thought every eye in the café was on me.

Jack’s sigh reached my end. 

“Listen, baby sis, whatever you’ve done, you need to fix it. This situation with Noah has been going on long enough, and you two are lying to each other,” he acknowledged. “If there’s a third party involved… Well, I don’t know. That’s your business but sort it out. Don’t bury your head in the sand. That’s not like you. You’ve always been the one preaching all that shit about talking about your feelings and communication being so important. Don’t shy away from it now. Whatever it is, I’m sure it can be fixed, and don’t be afraid of what might happen. You know you can always call me, whenever.”

I was the one rising an eyebrow now.

“How much has Noah told you?”

Jack chuckled.

“Just talk to them.”

Oh. 

There it was again. 

Them. 

I wondered if leaving had been a mistake, after all. 

Not long after my conversation with Jack, I returned to the hotel. 

As I stepped into the room, I was met with a potent blend of sex and masculinity that engulfed my senses. 

The bed was still unmade, a reminder of the recent sinful activities. I noticed the ‘do not disturb’ sign still hanging outside the door and decided to leave it be, my fingers tingling with the weight of my growing anxiety.  

Every time I looked towards the tousled sheets, vivid and colorful memories flooded my mind. I could see myself on top of Oliver, Noah behind me, the three of us drowning in a sea of collective groans, screams, and wails of pleasure. 

 I could also see their slumbering forms occupying each side of the bed. 

 To divert my mind, I looked for something else to do. I needed to sort out my things, indulge in a hot shower, maybe eat something or have another coffee. Instead, my eyes fell upon the lingerie set, neatly folded, and placed on the desk next to the TV remote. 

Which one of them took the time to gather the garments from the floor and fold them so meticulously?

My heart fluttered at the tender gesture, adding another drop of confusion to my ongoing crisis.  

I made a beeline for the shower. Noah’s and Oliver’s scent still lingered on my skin, and the love bites and hickeys wouldn’t leave me for a few days. I had no other choice but take my brother’s advice and pull myself together. 

After a grueling day spent replaying the events of the previous night and a near-anxiety attack in the confines of my hotel bathroom, I decided I had to talk to them. Hiding and pretending none of it had happened would only lead to further complications and would strain my relationship with Noah and Oliver to the point of ruining everything. I couldn’t afford to let it fester and seep into their professional lives. I would not let that happen. 

An hour slipped away while I debated when it would be the best time to approach them. 

Should I text them? Send a message on the iMessage group? Or should I just talk to them face to face? To one of them first or to both at the same time? 

By the time I resolved that this was something that needed to be talked to face to face and I gathered the courage to admit my mistake, evening had descended, and everybody was already at the venue where the bands were playing that night.

I was still unsure of where this would go. I’d had the entire day to think about my feelings and, well, I was still a mess. The only certainty I held onto was that I didn’t want to lose any of them, so I was willing to do whatever they said, whether it was keeping everything in professional terms, remain friends, or… 

Taking a deep breath, I watched as the Nicks and Jolly descended from the stage, their faces beaming with sweat and satisfaction. Jolly squeezed my shoulder as he passed by. In return I sent a faint smile his way. 

Moments later, Noah appeared, descending the metal steps clad in black pants and a tank top. His eyes briefly widened as he caught sight of me. He paused, the towel in his hand frozen mid-motion as he registered my presence. Then, without a word, he continued past me, following the same path as the rest of the band.  

“Noah,” I called out, a tinge of desperation in my voice. But amidst the hustle and bustle of the stage preparation for BMTH, my plea seemed to fall on deaf ears. 

Noah stopped, half-turning towards me. His gaze was cold, and he was angry. That much I could tell. 

I couldn’t fuck it up anymore, so the last thing left for me to do was to be honest. 

“I got scared,” I said, the words catching in my throat.  

“Scared?” He echoed, his tone sharp.

If I nodded, it was lost on me because his dark, penetrating gaze made me freeze on the spot, and when he drew nearer, my heart thundered in my chest.  

“No, you don’t get to tell me that you got scared,” he retorted, barely inches away from me, his voice low and intense. His scent enveloped me: he smelled just the same as last night, except for the missing addition of my own sweat and the magical residual scent of sex.  

I wanted him again. I wanted him covered in sweat from the heat of our intimacy, of our entwined bodies. 

He towered over me, his presence overwhelming, making me feel tiny and inconsequential.

“I was the one scared,” he admitted, his voice laced with pain and fury. “I was scared every time I fucked you in my bed and I found you looking at me with those beautiful fucking eyes. I was scared because I knew I was falling in hard. I was terrified,” he emphasized, the last word dripping with raw emotion. “Then you slept with Oliver. When I got to know, I was on the verge of nightmares. I was terrified at the thought that I might have lost you. Then you told me all those things, and yet, I decided to give you what you wanted even though it scared the shit out of me. It scared me to hell to think of what it would do to me —to us— if we crossed that line with Oliver. And yet again, we did. And then this morning you were gone. You were not there by my side when you made me promise not to leave. So no, you don’t get to tell me you were scared after you got fucked by two men who fucking adore you!” 

My throat constricted, tears threatening to spill from my eyes. 

Instinctively, my hand reached out towards him, but Noah recoiled, stepping back with a shake of his head. Not a single strand of hair moved from its place on his forehead due to the layer of sweat covering every inch of this tall, muscular frame. 

“You wanted honesty? There it is,” he continued, this time his voice low and composed. He dropped the towel to the floor, as if he was… giving up. “You were right to demand that from me, but you should have done the same in return.” 

And yet, I had left him before the sun rose, just as he did with me in that moment, stepping back with his brown eyes locked on mine until he couldn’t stand my gaze any longer and he turned away, rushing out the corner and disappearing from my sight. 

I realized then the severity of my actions. It had taken me years to get Noah to open up, and just when I had managed to get him to, to unwrap another layer of him, I had turned my back on him. 

He had all the right to be furious, to hate me, to never want to see me again.

I just didn’t think I could take it because, with each passing second, my feelings for him were becoming clearer. What I had been feeling for months was more than just platonic adoration. 

Waves of anxiety engulfed me. Some of the staff members, having caught up in the intense exchange, cast various glances my way as I stood there alone, drowning in my own misery. Some of their looks were pitiful, others were dripping with disgust. 

With a dry throat and some tears streaming down my cheeks, I hid in the nearest restroom and in a feeble attempt to regain my composure. I told myself that there was a way to get Noah back, that we could be mended and we could move past this. 

But another voice in my head told me that I had fucked up beyond repair; that I hadn’t just fucked up a wonderful relationship with two wonderful men; I had also hurt them, and that knowledge tore my insides apart. 

I didn’t recognize myself.

Why had I acted the way I did? Why hadn’t I stayed? 

I had always been the one to push others to improve their communication skills. I hated unresolved tension and not having a clear idea of what I felt and what others felt around me. It was something that consistently plunged me into anxiety, so why had I chosen this path? 

Desperation seized me. 

Fifteen minutes later, after washing my face and trying to move the hair away from my face, I headed to the green room. 

Though greeted with nods and briefs hugs from the people crowding the room, my focus was on one individual. 

My stomach knotted at the sight of Oliver’s eyes on me, the look on his green orbs not much distant from the one Noah had had mere moments ago. Swallowing hard, I walked to him, ignoring some lighthearted joke Mat attempted to engage me in. He must have sensed my unease, not from my lack of response, but from the weight of Oliver’s stare as he stood in my path.  

His bandmates had known him for than I did, and it was clear that they knew when to shut their mouths and redirect their gazes away. 

Perhaps I should have felt terrified, but terrified had led me to ruin one of the best nights of my life, so no, I wouldn’t let it happen again. 

“Can I talk to you for a minute?” 

I would need more than a minute to say everything I wanted to say, though.   

Instead of replying, he eyed me for two seconds, twirling the Red Bull can in his hand before addressing the room at large. 

“Guys, can you give us some privacy?”

In another circumstance, I might have felt embarrassed by the sudden attention, knowing that everyone present was likely speculating about why Oliver wanted to be alone with me in the green room and we both had those long faces on. However, after the events of last night, I found myself beyond the capacity for embarrassment. 

“We’re going on stage in ten minutes,” Lee interjected. I could feel his gaze boring into my back while he sent a warning directed at Oliver. 

“Got it,” Oliver replied, his tone firm.  

It took the others a full minute to gather their stuff and vacate the room, some muttering under their breath as they left. 

Taking a deep breath, I met Oliver’s gaze head-on, steeling myself.

“I fucked up," I began, watching him closely for his reaction. The weight of my words sank in as I tried to get my shit together after my failed attempt at sorting things out with Noah earlier. 

I waited for his reply with my nerves eating me alive.

“You fucked up by having sex with me and Noah or by leaving in the morning?”

“By leaving in the morning. I should have stayed. I just… I panicked.”

Oliver narrowed his green eyes at me, a mix of frustration and something else flickering across his face. 

“I can understand that,” he conceded, his tone softening slightly, “but then you bailed on us and disappeared the entire day. What are we supposed to think?” 

Standing up straight, he moved away from the cheap white IKEA table he had been leaning on, circling me before disposing of the can in a nearby black bin. 

Yeah, I should've stayed and talked to them instead of running away, but what was done, was done. Now I had to find a way to fix it on my own. 

“Noah doesn’t want to talk to me," I said, feeling like a whiny little girl for being denied a lollipop.

“I’m not sure I want to talk to you either,” Oliver replied bluntly. His words hit me like a punch to the gut. My panic momentarily increased until he continued talking. "I’m torn between that or bending you over that table and fucking you hard and fast after giving you a good spanking.”

I froze for a beat, my cheeks flaming. Closing my eyes, I dropped my shoulders and released the air I’d been holding. 

“I don’t need that right now. I need to talk to you and Noah before I make it worse.”

“Yes, obviously. This is not going to work if there’s no communication”

This.

I bit my lip, only to get chided by Oliver. “Don’t do that. You’ll bruise yourself.” 

“I know time is not on our side now,” I continued, “but is there anywhere we can meet to… talk? The three of us?” 

Oliver hummed in thought. 

“Considering we need to hop on the tour bus early tomorrow, I suggest you get some good sleep tonight and we talk when we reach the hotel in London after lunch.”

I nodded again. I was defeated, so I would just do whatever they said. I just wanted to fix things. 

With my eyes on the floor, I startled when I felt Oliver’s fingers on my cheek. He was eyeing me from under his eyelashes, a tiny furrow between his eyebrows. 

“Are you sure you just want to talk?”

How could I tell him that every fiber of my body was screaming to be touched again by both their hands, by their fingers, their mouths…? 

Maybe I didn’t need to. Soon enough, he was smirking knowingly, and he pulled gently at my lower lip with his thumb.

“That’s what I thought. But I’m not touching you again until you’re honest with me and Noah, so take the time you need to think. Whatever it is, I’ll respect your decision.”

“Will you?” I couldn’t help but ask, uncertainty coloring my tone. 

 It took him a moment to respond. 

“Hell, no. You think you’re the only one terrified, doll?” he countered with a tilt of his head. “That makes threeof us. I’ve been thinking about you since before I knew you were coming to Europe with Noah and the band. I just assumed that whatever you had with Noah was restricted to the two of you even if you weren’t dating. But then you came back and you reached me with that pretty smile and you shared so much of yourself with me… and then, to make it worse, you let me touch you… and I knew I was doomed because I’d never get enough of you.”

“Oliver, I—” I began, my voice shaking, my vision getting blurry. 

“No crying, come on,” he admonished. “You’re a big girl. You took both of us so well last night,” he reminded me, a flash of lust crossing his eyes. “You can manage this. We’ll get through it the three of us together, wherever it takes us, even if it’s on different paths.”

“I’m not sure I want us to go on different paths…” I confessed quietly, surprising not only him but myself. 

He sighed, seeming relieved. 

“That’s why I said to get a good night’s sleep and think about it. I’ll let Noah know we’ll be talking tomorrow as we reach London, okay?”

I swallowed my tears and nodded. 

When I asked Oliver if I could travel with him in BMTH’s tour bus the next morning, of course he readily agreed. But what I didn’t expect was Noah’s unexpected appearance at seven in the morning on the same bus, seeking me out. He wasn’t as pissed as he had been when we talked right after Bad Omen’s show the night before, but he was definitely not happy that I was evading the band’s tour bus—evading him—.

I was still tired. Exhausted. Drained from a sleepless night. Despite Oliver’s assurances that things would be sorted out, I was scared that Noah wouldn’t accept it, that he would never be okay with a relationship between the three of us, and that he would never forgive me.

That’s why when he appeared on BMTH’s bus, I simply sank onto the sofa when he instructed me to sit, and I let him settle next to me, his thigh and arm brushing mine. I was ready for the worst.  

“I might be pissed at you,” he started saying, “but that doesn’t mean I don’t want you around,” he stated. His gaze had softened as he looked at me, a hint of vulnerability peeking through his almond-shaped orbs. Our faces were barely inches away from each other. The fact that he smelled so good wasn’t helping the chaos going on in my head. “Or is it that you don’t want me?”

I frowned. 

“You know I do,” I assured him. How could I ever stop wanting him? His brown eyes would always held me captive.  

I considered that, if I got both of them, if I was just lucky enough, I would have those beautiful brown eyes and those mesmerizing green orbs gazing adoringly at me every day. Could I ask for more after that?

“I just made this whole situation so uncomfortable that I don’t know how to behave around you anymore,” I admitted, the weight of my mistakes heavy on my shoulders.

His hand found mine on my thigh. Noah clasped his fingers around mine in a comforting gesture. 

“I’ll tell you how: be a good girl. I’m angry at you, but it’s nothing that won’t be solved after we talk with Oli and you… get punished.” A smirk tugged at the corner of his thin lips. 

I could only sigh and sink myself deeper onto the seat. What did that even mean?

“Come back to our bus,” he said. When I took a while to answer, his grip on my hand tightened and he pleaded, “please?”

How am I supposed to resist the puppy eyes? 

“All right,” I relented.

I stood up, only to be met with Oliver’s figure standing not far from us, frame leaning against the wall, arms crossed over his broad chest. 

“We should have hired another bus, huh?”

Noah raised an eyebrow and after a couple of seconds snorted, shaking his head as he placed a hand at my back, nudging me forward.

“One for the three of us,” Oliver mused, his eyes eyeing my casual outfit and lingering on my chest for a little longer with a suggestive glint, as if he could see through. “Just imagine how much fun we would have had on our way to the big city.” 

I looked between him and Noah, blinking. I was missing something there, some understanding between the two of them that I was not a part of. 

It was at that moment, with the chill of the January morning creeping in through the cracks of the bus and the look the boys shared with each other that I realized that maybe, very maybe, I had been wrong all along, but… could there really be a chance that... things would work out between Noah, Oliver, and me?

Ignoring the racing beat of my heart and the wave of relief and joy that suddenly seeped through me, with a newly found bravery I said, “May I remind you that despite the distraction I’m being, you’re here to work, both of you?” I wanted to sound rational, and I was, but of course they found it amusing.  

“You can remind us later,” Oliver said, leaning over me to peck me on the cheek. 

 “Get going,” Noah indicated, his tone firm yet affectionate. “I’ll be there in a minute. Nick and Matt are playing Elden Ring. Tell them to hand over the controllers.”

I hesitated for a moment, glancing between the two of them. Then Noah put a hand on Oliver’s shoulder and squeezed, both their eyes on me, as if trying to send a reassurance to the apprehension taking hold of every nerve on my body. 

Not long after 2pm, we arrived in London, its iconic skyline piercing the sky much like the needle of anticipation jabbing at my insides as I awaited the moment of being alone with Oliver and Noah in a hotel room again. 

Our stay in the city was scheduled for three days. Under normal circumstances, I would have been looking forward to my free time to explore the city’s most wonderful streets and charming corners. However, other than the work-related stuff, nothing was going as planned, starting with the fact that I found myself not dreading to explore the city at all. My thoughts were consumed by the desire to explore something else —two men’s tattooed bodies, the seas of their skin, every imperfection and scar… 

I followed the Bad Omens’ crew into the lobby of the InterContinental next to the O2 Arena, pulling at my suitcase with one hand and typing a couple of texts to my brother while Matt handled the check-in at the reception desk. I waited for him to get the hotel card keys and hand mine, but he never approached me. 

I looked at him, confusion all over my face as I slid my phone in the back pocket of my jeans and saw him the rest of the guys head to the elevators on the left side of the lobby.    

I was about to call out to him when I noticed that Noah was still beside me, a few steps behind me. 

“Where’s my room key?” I asked.

Noah raised a hand, displaying a card. 

Despite his towering height, with the backpack slung over his shoulders, I always thought he resembled a little kid.    

“Oliver wants us to share a room,” he informed me evenly.

“What?” I sputtered, taken aback. 

Oliver and the rest of the band were not there yet. They had an interview in some radio station and the bus had dropped them off at the location before reaching the hotel, so they wouldn’t be checking in until later. 

“We’ll talk there”, Noah clarified. “If you want to have a room for yourself after that we’ll make sure you get one. It’s not a big deal.”

Truth be told, I hoped I didn’t have to get one. I dreaded sleeping between their warm bodies again, perhaps indefinitely. I knew that I was dreaming too much, but it was all I could cling to while I waited for the talk. 

During the elevator ride, I buried myself in my phone again, ignoring Noah’s presence on the other side and trying my damnest hard to block memories from last year’s tour when Noah had nearly fucked me against the elevator walls in some hotel in Las Vegas before we could make it to his hotel room. 

When the door of the suite opened after Noah swiped Oliver’s card on the reader, I gasped at the dimensions of the room. We were welcomed by a spacious common area, complete with a sofa, a dining table, and a massive TV that we were not going to use. Passing through white French doors, we were met with the bedroom. The pièce de resistance? The king-sized bed positioned in front of floor-to-ceiling windows overlooking the Thames. All I could suddenly think about was… probably the same Noah was thinking as our eyes met after they’d landed on the huge bed. 

I could have felt embarrassed. Instead, somehow, I managed to offer him a sweet smile that he reciprocated. 

In silence, we began to unpack, though I refrained from unpacking too much, considering that the veredict of our current situation was still to be decided. 

Noah retrieved some of his electronics from his backpack and returned from the common area to find me standing by the large windows in the bedroom, looking down at the river.  

“Why don’t you take a nap?” He suggested, his eyes betraying his concern. “You look like you haven’t been sleeping properly.” 

I sighed. “No, I haven’t.”

“Sleep,” he urged gently.

“Are you staying?” I inquired, looking in his eyes in need of reassurance. 

“Yes.” Of course, his eyes said.

We stared at each other. When the emotions grew too big, I removed the distance between us and stood on my tiptoes to wrap my arms around his neck in a tight hug. 

He hugged me back, sinking his face in the crook of my neck, and the gesture felt like a soothing balm. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to cry or strip him off his clothes. 

It must have been the same for him because I felt him tensing after the hug went on for too long. When he pulled away, he adjusted his pants before I managed to take a quick look at the spot. Guilty.

He urged me to rest for a while again. Oliver wouldn’t take long, he said. 

As sleep claimed me, I found solace in the thought of waking up to both of them in the room.  

Their voices reached my dreams, coaxing me awake. 

I stirred in the bed, stretching my muscles before lifting my head from the comfortable pillows and looking over my shoulder, towards the origin of the sound. The doors to the bedroom were slightly ajar, and I could see their silhouettes through the open space. Noah was seated at the table with a cup of coffee cradled in his hands while Oliver leaned in close, practically with his ass on the table as he talked to Noah, his thigh very close to the hand Noah was holding the cup of coffee with. Oliver had another one in his hand. They spoke slowly, softly, as if they were lifelong confidants. I lingered in the quiet, watching them, taking advantage of the fact that they hadn't noticed I was awake. I was captivated by the way Oliver would occasionally smile at him, and how Noah's eyes would sparkle. 

I sat up in bed as a surge of warmth flooded my senses. Before revealing myself, I hurried to the bathroom on the opposite side of the bedroom.

When I emerged, their voices had died away, and I could hear them moving about the room.  

With hesitant steps, I opened the French doors, my eyes falling first on one man and then on the other. 

"Hi," I said in a slurred voice. 

Oliver was pouring hot water from the kettle into another cup and Noah was hanging one of his winter jackets in the wardrobe by the entrance.

“Hi there, sleeping beauty,” Oliver greeted. 

I accepted the cup of tea he offered and thanked him with a shy smile as I brought the cup to my lips, making sure it wasn’t too hot. Lemon tea.

“Are you okay?” Noah asked with a frown, getting closer to lift my chin with two fingers and scrutinize my face. “Your cheeks are flushed.” 

“It must have been the heating in the room,” I explained, gesturing towards the bedroom. 

The answer satisfied him for he nodded, his features relaxing. 

“Do you want to sit down?” He asked.

I instantly shook my head. 

“I will if I need to, but I rather stand while I sort this out,” I said. Both of them shared a look and locked their gazes with me a second after. “I don’t want to drag it out any longer,” I said, gulping down the next sip of the tea.

“Alright,” Oliver did sit down on the sofa, facing me. 

Noah took a seat next to him. 

Great. Now it feels like I’m back at uni, about to start my thesis defense. 

While Oliver reclined comfortably against the sofa cushions, his arm casually draped over the sofa’s back, he nearly touched Noah, who was leaned forward, his arms resting on his thighs, hands clasped together. 

Green and brown eyes were fixed intently on me. 

I moistened my lips and hesitated for a moment before speaking. I didn’t know where to start, and I felt the heat rise in my cheeks as I steadied myself against the TV furniture.  

“I left because I didn’t want to,” I began.

Of course my answer elicited raised eyebrows from both.

“What I mean to say is…” I averted my gaze momentarily, “I don’t think I’ve ever felt as good as I did when I woke up,” I explained. “Despite… the ache between my legs, I was sure that I wanted that every next morning, and I realized it wasn’t right. I couldn’t be having such thoughts. This,” I gestured between me and them, “is not normal.” 

I waited for them to interject, but they didn’t. Their silence encouraging me to press on.

“After our night together, I thought about everything else that happened before that, and a voice in my head told me that it had all been a mistake: sleeping with you,” I said to Oliver. His features morphed into ones of pain and then, defeat, “and then dragging you,” I said to Noah, “into this without having sorted out first what was going on between us. I didn’t want to fuck up any of our relationships; the friendship between you two, and the one I had with each of you. On top of that, we’re in the middle of a tour and I can’t help but feel that I’m a burden and a stupid girl for dragging both of you into this mess. And then…”

“Then, what?” Noah pressed; his eyes suddenly alight. He could sense what I was about to get into. He could sense it very well, and instead of the expression I had expected from him, —the look of fear—, he seemed to be… excited?

“Then I focused on what I was feeling, on what I feel and…” I took a deep breath, gathering the courage. “I want you both. I’m sorry for what this means, but I don’t want to lie or hide it. After I took on your offer of sleeping with you, I thought that once it was done, nothing would change, or that whatever pleasure I was seeking would be satisfied, that we would have fun… but it wasn’t just that, and things did change. I had all day to think and to come to terms with my feelings. After spending the night with you, I can safely say that I want more. Not just sex. I want more of you, of both of you. Anything you want to give me. I’ll take everything, the good and the bad. I just… need you like I never thought I would, and I’m sorry for it.”

As I finished my confession and realized how much I had needed to hear my own voice say it, I couldn’t bear to meet their eyes. The pounding of my heart drowned out any other sound.  

There was a minute of silence that stretched painfully, each passing second amplifying my discomfort. I wished the ground would swallow me whole. That was the most excruciating minute of my life. 

“First of all, fuck normal,” Oliver said. “Second, yes, this is a mess, but I fucking love this mess if it means I get to have you at the end of the day. I want you vocal and naked,” his words were a firm statement. “That doesn’t seem too hard to me, does it?” His gaze shifted to Noah, the question also directed at him. “I also told you last night that my feelings for you have been more than just those of a friend since a while now. Did you hurt me by sleeping with me and Noah and leaving in the morning? Yes, you did. Do I resent you for it? No. We’re here talking things out like fucking mature adults. I only expect you not to make that a habit, otherwise we will have problems. As for everything else concerned,” he shook his head and raised his hands, “I had my time to think about it, too. And I felt fucking fantastic as I fell asleep next to you two.” His eyes landed on Noah again, who wore a mix of guilt and satisfaction on his face. 

“Noah?” I mumbled his name with a sense of urgency and fear. 

“Tell her,” Oliver ordered him, his voice suddenly demanding. “Tell her those damned three words, man. You’ve waited long enough. Don’t make me kick your arse.”

Noah hesitated, his eyes darting from Oliver to the floor then to me and all over again. 

“I love you,” he confessed with his brown eyes boring into mine with a vulnerability that I had never seen before. “I’ve been in love with you for longer than I care to admit.”

“He isn’t the only one that does, doll,” Oliver added, his voice resolute yet tender. 

That was not what I had expected at all. 

Yet, I fell to my knees. 

Immediately, Noah and Oliver rose from the sofa, coming to me, hand trying to grab me to get me back up. 

“Hey, hey. What is this?” Oliver asked.

“Come on, no need for…” Noah started saying.

But as I fumbled with the zipper of Noah’s jeans, confusion clouded their expressions as they froze, realization dawning in their eyes. 

“What are you doing?” Noah asked, his Adam’s apple bobbing with difficulty. 

“Showing you how much I love you both, too,” the words slipped from my lips as my hands moved instinctively, pulling down Noah’s jeans and swiftly unbuttoning Oliver’s, “and starting to repay you for my mistake of leaving the bed without talking to you. I won’t do it again, I promise. Just… I want this to work.”

“It will,” Oliver affirmed, “as long as we keep communicating with each other,” confidence dripping from his lips.

Beneath my touch, I could feel him growing aroused, hard. I glanced at Noah from my kneeling position.

“I was worried that I had fucked everything up by making you share me with Oliver,” I told him honestly.

“You didn’t make me do anything,” he replied firmly. “I’m a grown man. I make my own decisions. Besides, I wouldn’t have agreed to share you with anyone unless I was certain that the other person cherished and valued you like a goddess.”

“Noah and I have already talked about it. We’re on board with this, baby,” Oliver added. 

My heart was going to explode, but I felt a pang of frustration at how ahead they were on this and how behind I felt. 

“Why is it that you two always have these talks before the three of us are lone?" I grumbled; my frustration evident. I pulled down Noah’s boxers to free his erection. He let out a sigh of relief.  

“We would’ve had this conversation as a trio in the morning if you hadn’t disappeared,” he interjected, already breathless, his focus wavering.  

He had a point. 

“Moving forward with this,” Oliver continued, “means you’ll accept your punishment tonight. Are you ok with that?”

“Yes, you can punish me,” I replied as I slid down his underwear. Oh, the view in front of me. A sight to behold. “I accept my punishment; you can do whatever you want to and with me as long as I get to have both of you.”

“Those are big words,” Noah remarked. “Are you sure you’ll be able to take it?” His hips pressed forward. I wrapped the fingers of my right hand around his shaft while reaching for Oliver’s cock with my left.  

Their synchronized moans were music to my ears. 

“I can take both of you,” I asserted confidently with my chin up. Hadn’t I proved it already? I tugged at them, drawing two beautiful, restrained groans from both. “So yes, I’m sure.”

“Oh, the kitten is feisty,” Oliver sang. “What should we do about it, Noah?”

“Open your mouth,” Noah instructed to me, his voice husky with desire. “Show us how vocal you’re going to be from now on, and then we’ll decide what to do with you next.”

And that I did. 

Not even ten minutes later, I was cleaning the last remnants of Oliver’s and Noah’s release from the corner of my lips with the back of two fingers, still reeling from the intoxicating taste of them. 

Oliver lay sprawled on the sofa, one hand pressed against his forehead, his pants still unbuttoned.

“My soul has left my body,” he mumbled weakly.

With Oliver’s words hung in the air, I could still feel the ghost of Noah’s hand on the back of my head, his fingers grazing my hair gently before guiding me towards him, whispering a restrained ‘good girl’ as I took him whole. I could still taste Oliver’s release in the back of my throat, accompanied by the memory of his passionate wail as his legs trembled with the intensity of his orgasm. 

I rose from where I’d been kneeling, steadying myself with a hand on the nearest chair as I still felt dizzy. Despite my spinning head, I fought back a laugh at Oliver’s comment. It hadn’t been my intention to leave them drained before the show. 

“I’m not sure how I’m going to perform tonight,” Oliver admitted with a wry smile, his exhaustion evident.

Whoops. 

“That was a killer blowjob, baby,” Noah’s voice cut through the air from the main bedroom of the suite as he emerged from the bathroom, a wet face towel in hand, pants on and glorious cock tucked away. Before heading towards his suitcase, he planted a kiss on my lips. “You okay, man?” he inquired, addressing Oliver over his shoulder. 

“I need a minute,” he replied. 

Turned out he needed five. After pouring myself a glass of juice from a bottle I found on the mini fridge, I offered one to Oliver, who accepted gratefully. Noah declined, opting for water.  

“I should head to the venue,” Noah announced as he checked his phone. “I have a couple of messages from Folio. They’re already there.”

“I should head there, too,” Oliver said, finally standing up. 

“I will stay,” I interjected, earning their attention as they collected their things, “at least for a while. I need to get some work done on the MacBook, but I’ll make sure to be there on time for the shows,” I explained with a smile. 

Oliver nodded and headed towards the bathroom while Noah placed his suitcase on a bench and retrieved the Adidas boots he wore during the show. 

“I’ll see you in an hour, then?” Noah asked. 

“I’ll ask Matt to let me join him in the sound deck.”

“That shouldn’t be a problem,” he replied. 

He approached me, sliding his iPhone into his pocket before stopping right in front of me. I looked up at him, expectantly. He moved the hair away of my face with tender fingers and bent down to kiss me ever so slowly. I couldn’t recall having been kissed by Noah like that ever before, so I melted in his arms. 

I heard him whisper the three magic words against my lips, a hint of shyness in his tone, but he said it nonetheless, and I had to remind myself that this wasn’t a dream. 

“I love you, too,” I whispered back.

I didn’t miss the way his smile lighted up his face as the withdrew from our embrace. My body instantly missed his touch, his warmth, his scent. 

“Do I look like a just experienced a mind-blowing orgasm?” Oliver asked from the bathroom door, drawing a circle with a finger in the air near his face.

“Yeah, you do,” I responded with a smile and an apologetic expression, “but it just makes you look more delicious. Perfect for the show.” 

He laughed, dropping his head, perhaps feeling a bit shy? 

“You’re impossible,” he muttered, standing in front of me. 

He cupped my face and kissed me. His kiss was deeper, more intense, harder than the one I’d just shared with Noah. I loved it just as much, realizing that from that moment onwards I couldn’t bear to live without either of those kisses.

“I love you,” he said. I was going to reply that I did, too, when his words brought a rush of dizziness to my head. “No touching yourself until tonight, are we clear?”

“We haven’t decided yet if we’re letting you come,” Noah added from the door, before stepping out into the hallway.  

“One thing is for sure: you’re in for a few spankings; you’re getting tied up and we’re going to edge you for a good while until we’re satisfied with your punishment for leaving the bed yesterday morning and not talking to us.”

Oh dear.

“Great,” I muttered.

“No rolling your eyes. Be good,” Oliver instructed, pointing a finger at me. 

He grabbed his phone and wallet from the dining table, and with a mischievous grin, he closed the door behind him, disappearing with Noah from my view. 

Two seconds later, I let myself collapse onto the bed, closing my eyes with a smirk of satisfaction on my lips, the whole sentiment etched on my face. Nighttime couldn’t come soon enough.

My heart swelled with pride as I watched them from the center of the arena, Noah’s and Oliver’s figures tiny in the distance but looming on the screens flanking the stage, commanding the attention of thousands and stirring a fervent response. Watching them lead the crowd together in ‘Antivist’ was astonishing. I was so proud of them. Of us, actually. Every time the stage lights fell on them and illuminated them, I felt as if the universe was repeating to me over and over again that those two men were mine, and that I was theirs. 

It was hard to believe that forty-eight hours ago, things had been so different. After the events that my conversation with Noah had led to, I had been flooded with insecurity and fear, and a voice in my head had come very close to making me believe that I had screwed up so badly that I should turn around and go home because never everwould Noah and Oliver give in to being in a polyamorous relationship. This would never work, the voice said, and if part of me believed it would, it was because I had read too many books. 

But look and behold, reality often surpasses fiction. And watching them perform, knowing that they loved me and that we were going to give this a chance, that we were committed to making this work, I felt complete. I was no longer alone to grasp with my conflicted thoughts and emotions. We were three, now. 

These two men, with their music and their love, were mine to cherish and adore.

The rough and complicated start we had endured seemed like a distant memory, and it was just overshadowed by the promise of bright and beautiful days to come. 

By the time the clock struck midnight, I was already a whimpering, trembling mess splayed on the bed. My throat parched, breaths ragged, and legs shaking. I had just been denied my fourth orgasm, and even though I would be lying if I said I hated it, I found myself in a state of overwhelming overstimulation. 

Lost in a haze, I couldn’t even discern which one of them was between my legs. 

As soon as we came back from the venue, I was promptly tied up and blindfolded. Again. Noah and Oliver decided to take turns swapping their place between my legs and working me up, first slowly, gentle laps of their tongues and soft rubs from their fingers inside of me, then fastening their pace, heating me up, driving me to insanity every single time they took me to the edge and then withdrew, leaving me whining their names and crying for release, their wicked laughs the only thing I could hear amidst my own desperation. 

In my delirium, I really couldn’t tell anymore whose tongue was on me, whose teeth was nibling at my pebbled nipples.

“Feeling punished enough, love?” Oliver asked from the foot of the bed, giving himself away after one last flick of his tongue that wasn’t enough to make me fall off the edge. Damn him. 

I couldn’t manage a single word to tell him how I felt. 

Noah’s fingers moved the hair away from my face. Despite wearing a blindfold, I doubted I could have bear to open my eyes. 

“I think that’s enough,” he said. 

“Getting softer, huh?” Oliver teased him.

“Nah, she’s shaking. I don’t want her to pass out on us if we keep going. Let her have it.” 

“You said it.”

Their decision to show mercy on me brought a rush of sensation that threatened to engulf me entirely.  

My climax racked through my body as a hurricane, so violent that my back arched from the mattress. If not for the silky rope binding my wrists to the headboard, I might have pulled Oliver’s hair so hard in my ecstasy that I’d have hurt him. 

With sweet words whispered against my hair, Noah’s praised me, encouraging me through my orgasm, but as I began to descend from my high, he withdrew from the bed. Oliver’s mouth left my swollen center, gifting me two loving kisses on the inside of my right thigh. Then he took a seat beside me on the mattress, replacing Noah. 

“That one was for me,” Oliver said. “Now you’re going to give Noah his.”

I couldn’t grasp my mind at what he meant, but soon enough the hands that had clasped my thighs and kept me grounded on the bed were replaced by Noah’s. I felt him kneeling between my legs again. I gasped. 

“Another one?” I managed to breathe out. My mind had still not come down from my euphoric high and they expected me to…? “I—I don’t think I ca—"

“You will, kitten,” Noah asserted, draping an arm across my hip and stomach to keep me restricted to the mattress. “I know you. You’re going to give me mine.” It was an order. 

Two nights ago, I had damned them both for denying me release in their mouths. Yet now, despite this being a punishment and my exhaustion, their actions felt like a reward. I resolved not to complain, no matter how powerless and lost I felt. 

I remained silent, holding my breath, as Noah slid his slender fingers in, easily navigating through my so embarrassing slickness. He quickly found that sweet spot that I loved having touched, and he started licking me, once, twice, thrice, from my entrance to my clit, drawing circles around my clit until the pleasure was so high that it tore a scream from the depths of my being.  

“Don’t hold back,” I heard Oliver say, his hand on my hair, stroking it.  

For a second, I lost my all sense of rationality. I was sure I was going to pass out with the vibrations from Noah’s voice in my core as he mumbled things and his lips touched my lower lips. My first orgasm cascaded into a second and suddenly, I was enveloped in white, a sharp headache gripping me as I came undone. Fortunately, it passed quickly, and I savored every other second of my long-awaited double release. 

Gradually, Noah’s licks and gentle sucking relented, his hands releasing the grip on me and moving to my thighs, where he started rubbing his palms up and down, trying to soothe down my shaking. Oliver peppered kisses across my chest and sternum, nibbling at my chin with his stubble tickling my skin 

“Kitten?” That was Noah. He kissed the side of my knee. “Are you back with us?” 

As I searched for the answer within my mind, Oliver removed the blindfold and untied me, his touch soothing too as he massaged my wrists and kissed them reverently. Though I couldn’t bring myself to open my eyes, a mumble escaped my lips as I shifted my head against the pillow. It would take some time for sensation to return to my body, but I was fully aware of the satisfaction that ran through my veins and straight to my heart, and every other feeling that accompanied it. 

The first night together, I had felt safe and cherished. This time, I felt utterly loved, and despite my mistakes, I was sure that I deserved this. I deserved these two men, and I was willing to give them my best self.  

“Love,” Oliver insisted, his touch soft as he lifted my chin, “open your eyes. Are you alright? Was it too much?” 

“Baby,” before I could muster the answer, Noah settled down on my other side, his unattended erection nudging against my side. He placed his palm on my tummy, and the warmth of his body seeped into my skin.

“I’m fine,” I replied with a smile, peering at both of them through blurry vision. I placed a hand on my forehead. “I got a headrush,” I admitted, “but I’m okay.” 

The worried look on their faces persisted. Oliver glanced down at my still trembling legs. “I’ll get you something to drink before we continue. Let Noah take care of you. I’ll be right back.”

He returned within a minute. I had shifted onto my stomach, and Noah was inspecting the light bruises on my buttocks, his fingers tracing the reddened skin with a frown. 

“Shit, that’s a nasty mark,” Oliver mentioned, eyeing two small spots turning purple on my left cheek. He set a glass of orange juice on the bedside table. “Did we spank you too hard?”

I shook my head. “I bruise too easily. Don’t worry. I enjoyed it.”

“You’ll tell us if we ever go beyond boundaries, right?” Noah pressed.

“Yes, I will.”

“Good girl,” Noah praised. “Have some juice,” he instructed, gesturing towards the glass as he stood up from the bed to position himself next to Oliver. 

Both eyed me with special attention as I sat on the bed and sipped the juice, my body feeling grateful for the light sugar intake. After draining the glass, I licked my lips, and my smirk grew as I noticed how hard his erections were, and both seemed to be pointing straight at me. 

How wonderful that they were mine and mine alone.  

Noah gestured for me to approach him with a finger, his gaze narrowing with anticipation. I crawled on the bed towards him, swaying my hips playfully, enjoying how desired I was. With my hair falling around me, I positioned myself on all fours at the edge of the bed, Noah lifting my chin to capture my lips in a hungry kiss. Meanwhile, Oliver’s hand returned to my backside, caressing it before his fingers slipped between my cheeks, eliciting a moan from me.  

“Would you put them on us?” he asked a few seconds later. 

Noah released me, and suddenly Oliver’s hand was presenting two square silver packages to me. 

Sitting back on my heels, I tore open the first package and rolled the condom down onto Noah’s cock, his posture steady and unwavering, watching my hand’s work as a hawk. I repeated the action with Oliver. The familiarity of the task felt oddly comforting despite it being our first time.  I hoped fervently that this would become a nightly ritual from now on.  

“Ready for us, baby?” 

Instead of answering, I straightened my back and slowly parted my thighs, revealing the warmest, most inviting part of myself to them once more. 

My boys exchanged a glance with a raised eyebrow. In an instant, Noah lifted me up, prompting me to wrap my legs around his waist as he wasted no time in nudging my entrance with the head of his dick and in one slow trust filling me up. 

I was still adjusting to the wonderful sensation of Noah being inside of me when Oliver’s hands found their way to my shoulders from behind, his touch gentle as he traced a path down my sides until they settled near Noah’s hands on my butt. 

I felt the tip of his cock against my backside, and his voice softened as he urged me not to tense. It was easy for him to say, yet I was surprised at how easy I welcomed both of them inside of me, as if my own body had been waiting for it since the first time it experienced this hot burst of desire, pleasure, and… love.

Five minutes after, they were moving inside me in perfect synchronization, a relentless rhythm that drove me to the brink of ecstasy and beyond, my breasts rubbing against Noah's inked pecs, my back against Oliver's hard tattooed chest. Their alternating thrusts, a mix of withdrawal and surging in, had me moaning their names repeatedly, making me feel full of ecstasy and wild pleasure. Whenever Noah withdrew in a slow, teasing friction, Oliver would go all the way in. 

This experience was sublime, and I didn’t ever want it to end. 

"I wish I could show you exactly what it feels like to fuck you while Noah fucks you,” Oliver growled into my ear, his words sending shivers down my spine that intensified as he nibbled at my earlobe with his vampire teeth. 

At some point, with Oliver’s mouth nibling at my shoulders, clavicle, and neck, I opened my eyes and reached for Noah’s silver necklace. I could see the restraint in his eyes. I pulled at the accessory and kissed him fiercely for a long minute before releasing him. Then, I turned to Oliver, wrapping my hand around his neck and capturing his mouth in a passionate kiss that ended with me biting his lower plump lip, making him growl like a lion against my mouth and eliciting a laugh from me. 

“Touch yourself,” Noah said. He was close, so close, and Oliver wasn’t far behind. I was dying to feel them both tense and pulsate inside me. I was dying.

Closing my eyes once more, I let my head fall back to rest on Oliver’s shoulder and slid my hand down to my clit. Their arms held me securely while they stood, anchoring me in the midst of the overwhelming pleasure. I squeezed myself around them. When I heard their moans and growls intensify, I knew I had them. 

Joining their cries of release, I followed them down to the depths of bliss.

About twenty minutes later, I was lying in bed again. Only this time I had Oliver and Noah on either side of me, spoiling me and giving me cuddles and kisses. 

After the passionate crescendo we had caused while climaxing, the mood in the room was now quiet, and a lovely silence enveloped us as we looked at each other with our eyes shining and our bodies sated and spent, we felt at heaven.  

Both of their hands roamed up and down my body. Noah's fingers traced delicate lines between my breasts and down to my navel, while Oliver's traced my temple and his lips pressed tender little kisses just below my ear and on my jawline. 

It was just perfect, and the only thing that topped it was the way I sensed Noah and Oliver glance at each other from time to time, as if something new had awakened in them as well. Or maybe it had been there for a while and was finally coming to light. Whatever it was, it was obvious that all three of us were enjoying it, that all three of us were happy and wanted to be there. 

That was all that mattered.

It was past eight in the morning when I stirred from sleep. 

My head was resting on Oliver’s chest, with Noah’s warmth enveloping me from behind, his arm draped over my waist and his palm resting flat against my stomach. The sheets had become a tangled mess at the foot of the bed, leaving our naked bodies exposed in a blissful picture. When I wriggled my feet and they brushed both Noah and Oliver’s legs, I smiled at the sight. 

However, the urge to visit the bathroom was urging me to leave the bed. I could revel in his scene again in just a couple of minutes. 

But as I began to shift away from Noah and Oliver’s embrace, preparing to swing my left leg over Oliver’s broad body, a hand clasped my wrist, halting my movements.  

Turning my head, I saw Oliver, his eyes still closed, his face peaceful in slumber with Noah’s sleepy face now so close to his own. Oliver’s grip tightened on my wrist as I spoke.

“I’m just going to the bathroom,” I whispered.  

“I’ve heard that before,” he replied, his beautiful green eyes meeting mine as he opened them. “I’m going with you.”

“But…” It shattered my heart to think that he still doubted me; that he still feared that I might not be there if he closed his eyes again and woke up a while later. “I’m not going to leave. I promised,” I reminded him with a serious expression. “I just need to empty my bladder. Just give me a minute?”

“A minute. Then I’m coming in,” he concluded, stretching his arms, I couldn’t help but steal a quick look at his morning naked figure. Glorious. “We have shower sex pending so…”

My eyes quickly went back to his. A smirk played on his lips as his words trailed off. 

That sounded… incredibly appealing and undeniably hot.  

To hell with sleep.  

“Are you sure you’re up for it? Aren’t you tired?” I inquired. With the shows and the sex, both might be beyond exhausted, but a voice in my head said, please don’t be.

“Are you?” chimed in another cheeky voice from the other side of the bed. 

Okay, they were both up and ready. Just my luck. Hell yes.

I hurried into the bathroom with a giggle escaping my lips as I knew that they were both staring at my ass as I ran off from the bed.  

Five minutes later, Oliver pulled me with him inside of the tiled shower. I shivered as the water touched my skin, though it didn't take long to get used to the temperature and I appreciated the feeling of being under the warm water and everything that followed. Oliver's hands took the reins and, with some shampoo in his hands, he began to wash my hair, massaging my scalp and thus earning my first moan of the day. 

"You guys started without me?" Noah asked, walking into the bathroom, and letting himself and his perfectly erect, hard cock be seen. 

"Not really," I replied, reaching out to take his hand and pull him closer to me. Noah greeted me with a good smooch, his cock stroking my lower belly while Oliver's fingers went on to massage my shoulders and a delicious spot just below my neck and at the beginning of my spine. 

Never in my wildest fantasies had I ever imagined I would experience a morning like this, soaking wet all over with two fucking gorgeous men washing my hair, massaging my shoulders, my breasts, and making sure the marks on my ass and other parts of my body from their nibbling the night before were nothing to be alarmed about, treating me to my first orgasm of the morning with Noah's long slender fingers as Oliver's mouth played with my nipples and he gulped down the clean water falling from the shower jet. 

I found that washing and rinsing them also filled me with a tender pleasure. They behaved like two good, but mischievous, children, waiting their turn as I washed their hair and scrubbed their bodies, leaving kisses here and there after rubbing their skin too hard and earning me their beautiful moans, which echoed between the bathroom walls. Their jokes also added to the joy; they took advantage of the fact that they were both fucking tall to make me stand on my tiptoes every time I tried to rub the top of their heads. Then they had the audacity to ask if there was a problem every time I mumbled a curse between my teeth. Whenever I reprimanded one and the other for laughing at me, it only earned me a playful slap on my ass.

Eventually, the space was filled with our casual talks, then laughter, and finally, moaning. 

When they entered me again under the warm spray of the shower, I was sure that I was in love to the hilt with both of them, and that I never wanted to stop hearing their laughter and seeing their smiles in the mornings ever again. 

So, as I tensed around them both and their grunts mixed with my moans, I surrendered to Oliver and Noah. Their fingers tightened on my thighs, where traces of the night before lingered, and I happily followed them into the abyss.

EPILOGUE COMING SOON

Taglist: 

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#noah sebastian x reader #oliver sykes x reader #bad omens #bmth #bring me the horizon #noah sebastian #oliver sykes #oliver sykes x you #noah sebastian x you #bad omens cult #oli sykes #oli sykes x reader #oli sykes x you #oli sykes x noah sebastian #oliver sykes x noah sebastian #oliver sykes x noah sebastian x reader

[nullians]

The eternal trouble of

‘Have they beaten me into submission’

or

‘Am I simply so done with their shit that I gave up on arguing and just pick the easiest route’

huh

#IT’S GUILT TRIPPING TIME!!! #it’s always more probable for mother and grandmother to lash out on me when I had a good day with friends before #what was it this time hmmm #I told them they should communicate When they want sth done #if you want sth done immediately please say so #if you say ‘today’ I assume it just needs to be done before the date changes #no. it doesn’t get registeres as ‘as soon as possible’ #like #I’ve told you SO MANY times? Just give me a deadline and I will manage??? But nooooo #literally- The Audacity #it’s easier to just yell at me and tell me that I am ‘Dumb as a mule’ and ‘Where is your ‘smart thing’ hmm???’ #’mind how you talk to us’ I literally changed my tone to neutral/business-like one for you #maybe those arguments would be a bit better if you know. you actually listened to what I say #also the tactic where you both talk in the same time and demand my attention? fuck you #I told them to wait till I’m done with one of them so we don’t just cut each other mid sentence but nooooo #Holy shit huh #also the ‘Why are you such a dark/vulgar/troublesome/ungrateful child??!’ #followed by ‘WE DON’T GIVE YOU ANY TROUBLE WE EVEN LET YOU MEET YOUR FRIENDS!!!’??? #the AUDACITY y’all. I can’t even... I see my friends like once in a month if not less and #ehhh why am I even upset in the first place. Should’ve made peace with them being manipulative af #also like... it’s not like I ever left sth not done??? ?????? #eh I’m just a bit down I guess... but the arguing made my brother tear up so I kinda... feel terrible for that #can’t stand them telling me in what Tone I need to adress them when they all yell at me/say untrue and hurtful things and act like... #it’s all fine??? it’s not??? the fact that you then immediately delete the existence of the argument is also ugly #I want to be better than this and just... let it be but... I’m so MAD. I only have a few people I care about. I barely see them #and it’s just... INFURIATING that they SAY such things #literally there are so many BAD kids out there I just demand basic RESPECT but can I get it???? NO. Switch kids maybe then you’ll see #HHHHHH fuck them I’m tired and mad and scared and just... kind of hopeless rn #personal #don’t reblog this i guess

[prettyyoungandbored]

Starry Eyes [’You and I’ Side Story]

Pairing: Douglas Booth!Nikki Sixx x Y/N

Request: Idk if it's a good concept but imagine during London days or early Motley days Nikki has been working rly hard to prepare to a v important show but day before his amp gets damaged and he needs a new one. He can't steal it BC it's too big and doesn't have money to buy a new one. Y/N knows how important it is for Nikki so she offers him tips she's been collecting for last months (she really wanted to buy sth)Nikki initially doesn't want to accept her money (male pride doesn't allow him) but Y/N explains that she cares more about him having chance to make his music heard rather than buying herself a tinker. Nikki is kind of shocked that anyone can care that much about him and his heart goes all gooey but he can't make himself to say 'I love you' yet. So he accepts the money, show goes well but he's still thinking how to repay his gf. He can't afford the tinker that her heart desires so he decided to write his feelings into a song (cheesy I know but Starry Eyes is cheesy af). He works kind of behind Y/N back BC he wants to surprise her but when she finally gets to hear it her heart swells. Cheesy, I know but it gives more angst to the story situation with 'foolish heart' as in Nikki used song before to communicate his feelings and later didn't recognised when reader did the same thing. It's not my best concept but with some more thought it could be rather nice.

Y/N sat in the dressing room waiting for Nikki. She was over the moon to see the show had gone better than the band hoped/expected, especially with the new amplifier. 

The old amplifier Nikki had for years had gone out the night before. Y/N listened from the bedroom as Nikki and the boys tried to hatch a plan to try and steal the amplifier, her heart breaking for them. 

Then an idea hit her. 

Ever since she’d started at the restaurant, she put aside some cash tips as part of a rainy day fund. That fund ended up becoming a way to save up for this bracelet she desperately wanted, but she knew a new amplifier was much more important, considering it was the first show since the boys were signed and other execs from the record label were coming to see them. 

When the boys left, Nikki entered the bedroom when he saw Y/N with a large stack of dollar bills in her hand. 

“What’s that?” he asked, pointing at the cash. 

“This is what you’re going to use to buy a new amplifier tomorrow,” she told him. 

He shook his head, a little laugh escaping his lips. “Y/N...I can’t take this.” 

“You can and you will.” 

“What about the bracelet you wanted?” 

“Fuck that. This is way more important.” 

“It’s not that-.” 

“Don’t.” 

She put the cash in his hand, her eyes not leaving his and her hand still on the stack of cash. “You and the boys have worked so hard to have a moment like this. You need to show those execs that you deserve to be on the label and that they should be so lucky to have you. Please. I want you to have this.” 

Nikki’s heart couldn’t take it anymore and his pride didn’t matter. 

“I can’t pay you back.” 

“I don’t want you to. I just want you to play your ass off tomorrow, ok? That’s how you can pay me back.” 

She gave him a chaste kiss, her thumb stroking his cheek. 

And play their heart out those boys did. They went beyond the extra mile, really giving the crowd and the record execs one hell of a show. Even Y/N was impressed, despite having the set memorized in her head. It felt like watching them for the very first time. 

Nikki walked in to the dressing room. Y/N threw her arms around him, placing kisses all over his face. 

“You...were...so...amazing...and...so...fucking...sexy...out...there,” she said in-between kisses. She pulled back. “I am so, so, so, so proud of you, babe.” 

“I couldn’t have done it without you,” he told her. “Thank you again.”

“‘Twas my pleasure,” she said, wrapping her arms around his neck. “So, where are we going out to celebrate? The Rainbow Room?”

“Actually I have a surprise for you before we go anywhere.”

Her eyes lit up. “Oh?”

He turned around to make sure the door was locked. Y/N stood there, unsure if she was supposed to undress or stay clothed.

“Sit down,” he told her motioning to the couch.

She sat down, smoothing out her skirt. “What’s going on?”

Nikki pulled out his bass and sat across from her. “So I was hoping I had extra money leftover from the amplifier to buy you the bracelet, but I didn’t and I really wanted to let you know how grateful I am for you. While I can’t give you the bracelet, I’d figure I’d give you this.”

He began strumming his bass gently before opening his mouth to sing.

When she laughs She's got the power of a child in her eyes And when you cry now She'll hold you like a man's supposed to be held I can't get into words how I feel Get it right in this song now I had to set her free Needed a friend Come back to me

Oh starry eyes Oh oh, oh oh

Standing alone in the light You could see her cry With a smile and a wink And a sparkle in her eyes She calmly sighed, I will be alright Okay child you've had to take the pain Of a man in the streets You gotta let me in Needed a friend Even just for one night

Oh, starry eyes Oh oh, oh oh

Oh no, oh no, oh no Oh, starry eyes Oh, oh 

Y/N’s eyes were filled to the brim with tears, her body shaking as she covered her mouth. She lowered her head, shaking it.

Nikki stared at her, unsure of how to react to her tears. “Babe?”

She lifted her head wiping her eyes. “You wrote that for me?”

“I meant every word.”

She cupped his face, kissing him deeply. “That’s the greatest gift I’ve ever received.”

“Better than the bracelet?”

“So much better. You have no idea how much you mean to me, Nikki.”

“You mean so much to me too and I’m so fucking grateful for you.”

Years later, the song came back to haunt Nikki when he was alone in his house. Y/N had left him months prior and in a moment of rage, he began to throw away what she left behind.

He stared at the crumbled piece of paper with the handwritten lyrics, having found it in a box under the bed. The memory of the first time he’d sung it to her lingered in his mind.

She accepted his song, one he poured his heart and soul to, but he couldn’t bring himself to accept hers.

He’d never forgive himself for as long as he would live.

#nikki sixx x reader #douglas booth!nikki sixx x reader #motley crue fanficition #mötley crüe #the dirt fanfiction

[spacegaywritings]

Communication of Silence - Chapter 9: Ups and Downs

I am rly tired and i think now TWs outside of the general ones for the whole story apply. Except there is food ig? Idk man, shoot me a message when you got sth I overlooked bc I am just big stress rn. linky link :) Story under the cut;

Virgil shuffled under his blanket and pushed his bottom lip forward into a little pout. His head was pounding dully and his vision was just blurry enough to have issues seeing Dee despite her being so close around.

“Talk...”, he repeated softly and nodded. The sleep was still heavy on her limbs, the nap seemed to have left him in a more tired out state than before. Exhaustion was pulling at his body and he extended his arms, making grabby hands like a little toddler who wanted to be picked up. Declyn gave him a smile and carefully moved around to let the other wrap his arms around her neck. She moved and tugged Virgil along.

Logan was far away enough to not directly be disturbed for now. He was still peacefully slumbering in the middle of the couch while the couple slowly moved away. “Room”, Virgil muttered as he held onto Dee who supported him without complaints. She nodded. “Of course.” The elder one carefully helped Virgil up and together they silently sneaked over to the room he shared with Logan. At least now he was sleeping and sure to not come back.

Virgil’s arms were lowered down to be around Dee’s chest by now instead of the neck. It helped him stretch with more comfort and still have the stability of walking around without immediately dropping to the floor like the wet sack of stones he was to his own life. He bit his lip as his partner reached out to open the door with the precision and care he would not have expected from the other considering his eyesight and the fact that it was dim enough to almost be dark at the moment.

The punk muttered an apology as the door opened and he leaned back, rolling onto his feet in a more straight-up position. He held onto the door frame and swung himself into the room, stumbling a little before he patted the light switch with a slap of his left hand that crossed over his chest to reach around to it. Light immersed them and blessed their eyes with temporary hurt in exchange for better vision after a few moments of adjustment.

Dee groaned at the new light and stepped into the room, dragging the door behind her until it was shut and closed them both off the others. Right now, they were alone with the elephant int the room. Virgil carefully slipped onto Logan’s bed instead of making the long way around it. He settled once he slid off it and right onto his mattress that was conveniently close.

Yes, he did not mind sleeping there, no matter how much people got worried about him or told him it was undignified or something. He liked it. Also it was a short-lived thing and he would move out in about a month. He would be fine together with his brother and he would be out of all the bullshit. Then again, he had not even a single problem with Logan.   Far from it.

He could see Dee move to join him on his little bed and she stayed at a distance. “Thank you for the light, Virgil” The art student cast a glance aside and shrugged. “Just spill it, okay? What did I fuck up this time - I.. I can stop, okay?”

Her expression changed from remotely pained to utterly horrified. “Virgil, no.” She breathed out and closed her eyes, her more neutral expression switching back onto her features in an attempt to ease up herself as much as Virgil. “I am worried about you. I do not want you to change for my liking but for your health.”

The student shook his head and gripped his lower arms through his sleeves. Immediately, a rubbing, intense pain spread through his left one and he hissed at the sensation yet denied the possibility of letting it go.

“Just tell me what I fucked up!”, he snarled, teeth ramming into his lip as he desperately kept his gaze on his mattress. The lawyer sighed softly but did try not to aggravate the other too much. Virgil was much like a cat and if it was not fight then it was flight - the mood would change faster than a dysfunctional compass needle could spin under the influence of magnets. “It is less about what you do but what you do not do, Virgil. You stopped eating again. Your friend messaged you and I saw it when your phone vibrated so much, it almost woke up you and Logan. A chain of whether you are alright and reminders of eating and taking certain supplements because you fainted in your self-defence training session.”

Virgil chewed on his bottom lip a if to bite through the situation. White, sharp teeth dug into his pale lips and created a contrast that would only be topped by the copper taste of crimson running from broken skin and destructive habits. “Yeah, so?” He grabbed his arms tighter and winced at the pain yet stayed grounded. It was shooting through him. It was quick like a bunny in the moment of flight and sharper than Dee's words had ever been.

Oh no. “My heart, would you mind giving me your hands, please? I just want to hold them for you.” Virgil looked over, merely glancing over her legs and shrugged eventually. His lips moved off his teeth and he shifted his legs to the so he could carefully reach over to give Declyn his hands. She received them and gently pushed her thumbs into his palms, softly brushing over the area in the middle of his hands that was a tad lower. The touch reminded him of stepping into a tub of hot bath water after a particularly icy and stressful time. It was sudden and he wanted to pull away at all the new sensations. The heat, the comfort, the smells and the hands that grabbed the heavy burden of his problems and worries. He did not pull back. Virgil eased into the touch like he would ease into the welcoming warmth of a relaxing bath. “See? I am not hurting you, Virgil. It is all good. I am just worried around you.”

The younger one nodded carefully and insistently stared into their hands. “Did you talk about it in therapy, darling?” Virgil sniffled and shrugged. “I can skip lesson and go tomorrow”, he mumbled into his hoodie. The fabric soaked up his anxiety and became heavy with his fear in solidarity. “Em lets me have emergency sessions if it is really bad.” Dee continued brushing over his hands, his thumbs moving in a steady rhythm. They travelled smoothly like the waves of the ocean that approached and left the beach curiously. It was a promise to rely on, the kiss of goodbye and the embrace of meeting again after so long.

“You do not have to. But if you feel that you relapse maybe you should talk to someone. If it has to be  professional, then so be it.” Virgil snorted. “You are a professional, Dee.” - “I am talking about a professional for mental health issues more than legal ones but I appreciate your effort.”

A long silence stretched between them like a tired cat. One end reaching up to Dee's knee over to Virgil's big toe. “Why did you stop?”

Virgil felt tears sting into his eyes, the words pushing his lacrimal glands to squeeze out the salty liquid he had stored plenty of in his body. He gasped for air. His lungs were raging and howling within him, demanding more and more air to enter his system without really appreciating it. They were simply throwing a tantrum for the sake of messing him up even further.

He shoulders flinched upwards in a weak motion and immediately dropped down to the lowest level they could anatomically reach without possibly be broken in the first place. His teeth clenched around his lips again. They were stuck and sucked into a grasp of violence and abuse as he stubbornly shook his head. The blood rushed through him in a quick sprint, painting his cold body in panicked flushes like rashes of abused skin.

“N-nothing”, he defended. His voice was deflated, thinner than hair strands that were bleached into oblivion and disintegration. Declyn’s warm eyes took the change into account and watched the rapid speed at which his lungs expanded and, just shortly after, decreased in volume like a popped balloon.

She carefully squeezed Virgil’s hands with a tad more force, acting like a strong life line that may cut into you but ultimately, caused nothing but collateral damage. Glass and metal shreds pressed into Virgil’s feelings as he gasped for air. His legs pushed and pressed his back further into the pillow behind him and the uncomfortable corner between the wall that backed up his mattress, and Logan’s bed bordering to it. He was effectively resting his shoulders against the wall and the bed, his back pushing into the nothing he could not reach due to the angle.

It would have caused more than dull pressing sensations rather than actual pain his body provided as warning signal. However, he could feel the heat coming from Dee as his body seemed to fade. All life and personal warmth was draining from him, down the pipes and into the void he felt eating him away. He was glad for it.

“Virgil, Virgil, listen to me”, Dee called out as Virgil starting tugging at her grip in an attempt to claw his finger nails into his skin and ground himself, just come back to where he should be so he could be faced with every dirt and filth he deserved to be pushed into him. All his sucky habits and horrible attitudes should qualify him to suck up to the damage he had done to others when he brought them down with his mere existence.

He was a bad influence. Virgil should not be, he should be gone gone gone because he kept hurting nice people in his life. He made Kyle worry and have Dee be mad with him - and she was right about it. If she had any sense of right and wrong with her like any other conventional person, she would beat it into him and let him feel just how much pain he had caused her by abusing the feeling she had in herself for his own sorry self.

Gasps and sobs could be heard but Virgil was deafened and muted by his own racing heartbeat. It was beating a lot right now, probably making up for the times it could not beat when he would miss out on all these years he could have but was not worthy of. He had not earned a single day more than beyond the day he was born and had wretched people apart, tearing life down with him and starting his career as professional bringer of misery and death.

It was his fault, his fault, only his fault. If he had not survived, everyone would have had a better and nicer life. If he had not lived in the first place, everything should have been goon and precious to everyone and people would finally be full of joy. Heck, not just individuals but whole countries and systems would be better off without the chaos he had caused. The best achievement in life was truly taking care of a rodent he should probably have never taken in but he just had to be so self-absorbed and convinced he was better than others and would do such a great job when in reality, he was the apparently oh so innocent manifestation of doom.

“Virgil. Virgil, can you hear me?”, a voice called. He barely heard it. His head fell back against nothing and almost rolled off. His joints had him good and instead, it unceremoniously snapped backwards and circled around like an egg. He took the effort to angle his neck a bit just to try and locate the noise that intruded into his system and disturbed his thoughts. The sounds just came in, wrecking the havoc in his mind and tearing down the storms of self-deprecation like an ideal sniper who gave just one sound here, another one there and directed yet another load of sounds into a direction Virgil did not even know he was bombarded from.

It took some more moments for him to let his knocked down mind process that the shit storm of pessimistic thoughts was barely hitting him anymore despite aiming at his form. In true fashion of lethargy, some more time passed before he blinked away the veil of self-directed odium and contempt and could see the distant picture of two hands holding a pair of other hands together. Colours were melting together but he felt as if he knew those were hands.

The artist hummed at the sensation. It was a weak attempt at vocalising the gratitude within him. For some reason, he just felt that these hands were something good, something personally connected to him like a string attached to his heart. It was so strong, he could feel the ghastly phantom touch at the area he assumed to be his own fingers.

“hm..huh...hm..”. Nonsense plunged from his slightly parted lips. His face was static, slow. It was frozen water, a video stopped in the middle of a scene while the rest of the world was still moving on despite his conserved state. Maybe he was in a snow globe. He was the middle. Unmoving, unimportant and surrounded by all that made people wonder and squeak in delight while he was the decoration people tolerated. He was the least of the worst ones.

He blinked, trying to clear up the whitish coat that seemed to not just blur his vision but darken all he could see as well. It seemed so unsteady and moving... It made him sick and...and sweaty and sick... so sick and heavy..

His fingers moved to sign “bathroom”, a word Dee knew at last. Whether or not she had but a few knowledge about the language used, she knew this words as part of a few common phrases she could react and identify at last. She nodded and carefully tugged the corpse-like body of her datemate forward.

He did not know what took so long about making eggs but he was grateful that Roman and Patton took their sweet time preparing things one by one and especially using sweet potatoes because they took a while to get soft enough for comfortable consumption. The couple made it into the room without issues and Declyn quickly shut and locked the door behind them after stumbling through the dark and running a few edges of furniture. It did not hurt too much but she was glad that she usually covered about as much as she could without appearing to be suspicious to other people or mask her face away. She could feel little areas throb in pain at the impact but it was none of her concern at the moment.

Virgil immediately dropped to his knees, arms ready to embrace the porcelain throne before him as he felt heat and sweat break through his body. Sick, nauseous. It was tickling in his throat, trying to provoke Patton’s baked delight out of him.

There was something else. Not within him. Besides his pounding heart, light head and sweating palms, there was the distant sound of another voice. Not his thoughts but another person.

It sounded like Dee but did not feel liker her.

”Sweetheart, you are safe”, she cooed patiently. Her words dropped onto him like water droplets in a cleansing shower. His body temperature seemed to immediately drop.

”It is okay. I would never hurt you. I am sorry for touching you.”

Virgil heard the words and took them in, accepted them with a dazed head and heavy yet light feelings in his body. This was like being drunk but there was no fun in it. There was so much going on within and outside of him, he could barely keep track. It was.. was like standing in the middle of the busy street, tires roaring and engines blaring while the heavy vehicles sped around him. And he was trapped and caged and could not get out and it was dangerous and loud and bad, so bad. Why was it so bad, why was he standing there! This was dumb, he was dumb, he must have done dumb things to make all of this happen and endanger him and others and he was so scared and worried. Oh fuck, he would die a nameless and faceless victim in a dumb car crash and no lane was every free enough for him to run over to the other side and be safe.

He could not even try it, he would never try it because it was doomed. He was bound to fail, he was, he.. he was already

..warm.

A warm hand gently caressed his cheek, brushing over his cheekbone. A silent yet constant sound could be heard. Like rushing of the water. Water did not hurt him.. water was okay..

”It is okay, you are safe.”

Virgil nodded against the heat in his body, the heavy and heat feeling that had him so dizzy. It was hard. It felt so hard.

The water sound returned and slowed down, Virgil concentrated on it with all his might. He tuned out all the sounds, all the voices and the worries. Nothing mattered. Just the water, just the sound from out there. His heart was not going to jump out of his chest, his body was not going to collapse and he would not just die.

What about his lungs-

Panic flared up within him once more. His small figure retreated and hit itself on a wall just to lean into the steady touch of something to lean against, to hold onto.

”Virgil, please, can you hear me?”

He nodded again. The voice was nice, he knew the voice was nice and he was okay... the voice made it okay. It would be okay. His tired eyes closed and he let his body slump against the wall.

”Put your feet down and press them against the ground, feel the floor, okay?”

There.. was no real sense to him or anything at this moment so he just did as he was told, trusting the voice to continue and be nice as he felt it would continue to be. Nice voice... Ground.. ground.. His toes curled and pushed his heels back against the ground with all the resistance he deemed fit. It was ..experimental and careful at first. There was a motivation and understanding that was not in these heels but somewhere else.

”Ease up, again”

He followed the instruction and let himself go limp. The whole tension had served him in nothing but pushing his back against the wall. It was a wall, a cool wall but it was not cold.

”You are here, Virgil. You are right here with me and you are safe.” He nodded again. His head just bopped forward as if knocked out but he was moderately-paced at leaning his head back against the wall once more. ”You are at home, do you know? You are here, in the bathroom. You live here with Logan in a room. Logan is a nice person, right?”

The emo smiled for a bit. He might not feel the happiness like sunshine in his heart but it did do the job to make the dull numbness fuck off a bit more.

“And you are living here and you are safe and you are not there anymore. You are not with them anymore. You are with people like Logan, like myself.”

Virgil felt his lip twitch into a lopsided smile. It was but the flash of a moment, the split in a second and the beat of his heart. Yes, Logan was nice. Dee was nice. She was really kind and made him feel pretty good. Like a natural thing.

“You are safe. Right here, or with me.”

The smaller one carefully nodded and slowly rose his hand to pat the space next to him before he started pushing his heels against the floor again. A grounding activity, he remembered it now. He knew it very well but sometimes it just slipped his mind when his panic curled around his eyes like a blindfold. But grounding was good.

If there was one thing Virgil has learned in all these years, then it was that one panic attach easily paved the way for another. It was important to ground yourself even afterwards and just make sure that you were really safe and back in reality. It was too easy to jump from one into another spell of dissociation.

Dee’s hand carefully pushed its back against the side of his hand and he took the invitation with delight.

“You are here, you are safe. I promise you are safe with me.”

Virgil nodded.

“I fucked up, though.”

Declyn shook her head.

“Oh, why would you say that. It was a silly misunderstanding.”

Virgil scoffed.

“A good enough one to set me off”, he shot back dryly and cleared his throat. His voice felt a bit raspy and his words felt like torture to him. The emo dragged every last breath out of himself. ”Uh, not what I meant, anyway.”

He carefully gestured to his right arm and sighed. Sometimes it felt as if he was the only one to really mess up his life. It was not on others but it was on him. Well, not that he would let himself think into that at this moment. He knew better than to do this kind of foolish thing.

“Aw, don’t be dramatic! We can fix this. Let me see.”

She extended her arm and Virgil rolled his eyes in return but willingly rolled up his sleep to reveal a bunch of colourful marks along with dark streaks. The curves and swings formed words and letters, they were strings putting it all together and forming a big arrow and meanings more than just a literal one.

“I know you pressed on it a lot but it seems fine. Come on, let us get out before the others get worried. You can keep an eye on it, so nothing happens. If you are worried, you can go to the parlour and tell them what happened.”

Virgil shook his at Dee carefully pulled the sleeve back over the tattoo. It was covered by a thin foil that almost reminded him of stickers. When his arm was in certain positions, it would wrinkle up a bit but it was solid. It was there to protect him and his new little treasure.

He hummed.

“I’m sorry.”

Declyn already got up and straighten out her clothes before she leaned down to offer Virgil a hand. He gladly accepted and got up with a bit of help from a supportive wall and his wonderful friend.

“Don’t be sorry, sweetie Vee, I know you are trying.”

The smaller man looked down at his socks and curled and uncurled his toes once more.

“I um”, he started but stopped himself again. Words were so hard. His were just trying to put things into movement he did not know to put into any phrase. It was a wild chase for sense in an intense situation.

“I..it got a bit dumb again and I was worried and had shitty dreams and such.”

Virgil shrugged it off, his head rolling over the side of his shoulder and leaning on it. His tongue pushed against his gums. Words... words...

“uhh.. I will try talking about it next time, okay?”

For a moment, Dee’s face was unreadable. Her lips were moving from side to side. Just a bit, merely more than a twitch. It felt like she was playing with the words, weighing them against one another to construct the perfect sentence as she tasted the flavour of his syllables.

“Okay. Please, try. I do not want to hurt you, Vee. I hope you know this.”

The other blinked up for a moment before casting his glance down again, just for a bit. Only to look up at her and into her eyes with a determination in hi face.

“I-I am safe with you .”

She nodded and carefully stretched out her arms halfway, they looked awkward at that angle but not quite as awkward as fully stretched out arms would be. Well, there was nothing odd or wrong if he just so happened to take another step and walk right into her literally open arms and just let himself be engulfed.

“You are. I am not like them, okay? I don’t want to hurt you, Virgil. I would never want to cause you any harm. I just asked because I am concerned for you. I know you have been so much worse last year.”

She did not want him to go back to that. ...Maybe Declyn did not say it but the sigh that followed her words spoke more hours of audio books could fill.

“Mh... you are so much better”, Virgil argued and carefully nudged her. “We should still go. I have no idea whether they are politely waiting for us or if they are actually taking that look to make some fucking eggs.”

Dee rolled her eyes this time and leaned back a bit, her eyebrows narrowing as she eyed the smaller individual before her. Her heart was filled with warmth.

The two started moving towards the door to exit the room. Virgil hooked one of his arms around his love and nudged his Dee with his head. She was a bit shorter than guys were on average but it was enough for Virgil to reach her shoulder only. His face buried itself a bit in her loving chest as they walked on.

“You really are the best”, Virgil reiterated, his words muffled by the fabric of Dee’s clothing.

“I am still sorry for not talking. Will do better.”

She smiled.

“Go to therapy or you can party alone next week”

Virgil snorted at that. Nobody else would be that dry and just shoot back with an answer like that. Dee was his sunshine, his hope on a fiery tongue. Did she ever do as expected?

Virgil squeezed her into a hug.

“I will.”

“I know.”

Steps outside could be heard and a loud Roman seemed to announce something. It was obviously his boisterous voice but his exact words were swallowed my the door between the two lovebirds and the three friends outside. They were in completely over worlds, different events and feelings holding them together and building up a unique scene of feelings and mutual understanding.

“And I love you, Dee”

She stopped for a moment and let herself look back at her joyful friend.

“You know I do love you too, Virgil. I love you with all my heart.”

Her gorgeous arms would around him and drew him in for a deep hug. Limbs and hearts joined in and let the hymns of the outside just disappear for a little longer. The panic was gone, Roman was forgotten. And if it was not for eggs to have a strong smell, even the meal would probably be fully wiped from their minds but the savoury sensation got to them, got to the bathroom like a sneaky snitch.

The emo took another deep breath, simply inhaling the warmth and love he was willingly provided without trick or secret conditions. It was a mutuality, a natural exchange between them. Constant, equal, balanced.

“Mhmm... the eggs smell good~”

“They better do because you really need to devour some food right the fuck now, my love.”

Virgil unlocked the door and opened it for them to get back into the happenings of this home. Once back into the kitchen, they could hear whatever had been up with Roman before.

The man had grabbed a roll of wrapping paper and pointed it at Logan, Patton in his arms and giggling in his giant demeanour of being ridiculously tall for a person that was a human being. “I demand it one last time, foul creature, hand back the princess!”

Logan blinked at Roman, lightly.. out of place. He looked a bit as if he had been dragged onto stage and he did not know the words to the scene and everyone was staring at him. The glassgreen-eyed man was still giggling in fits while hugging Logan close in a squeaky joy of childish delight.

Before Virgil even got to ask about what was going on, Dee caught on to this and put the back of her hand up to her forehead and let out a sigh, dramatic enough to put Shakespeare into a position of envy.

“Someone stop this violence and bloodshed! This is insanity” Her voice dropped from full and proud to thin, it was about as thin as the patience of a person in an emergency situation.

Roman had to be proud. His eyes sure seemed to sparkle with something undefinable at this moment.

“Please, this beast and I have taken to end this situation. We mortals and the magical beings shall make peace and live in harmony!”

Beast? He was a beast now?

”Hey!”

“Honey, you literally are a small demon.”

“...you are more demonic than I could ever make out to be, Dee”, he pouted in response and let his arms cross over his chest. “Whatever, let’s fucking end a war and shit.”

The princess giggled again. “Yeah, Roman! The dragon makes for really great cuddles! He hugged Logan as if to emphasise just how huggable he was! And huggability was a direct indicator of kindness and peacefulness. Which, again, showed just how low the level of likelihood to ”take-over-the-kingdom-and-enslave-humanity” was. ...At least in case of Logan.

Roman looked at the sudden turn of events, he admitted the twist but would he admit defeat? He might have been wrong, he might have been biased by his own stance as a human being, himself. What if he did? His doubts lowered his weapon and in the moment of vulnerability, his determination faded and Declyn was quick to snatch up a nearby roll herself an smack Roman’s sword out of his hands!

A huge gasp followed the betrayal and Patton sucked in a sharp breath. This blew, this hit so deep.

Virgil already caught the falling weapon and flash-stepped back into his partner’s circle.

“Roman, I challenge you. You are guilty for evoking hostility between the fantastic and simple beings, you are the villain to tilt the balance!”

She pointed her sword at the prince, who was still mourning over the loss of his own shiny weapon. Meanwhile, Declyn’s rich voice was back to the usual strength of a proud man and she stole all of Roman’s determination from him to enrich herself with this resource.

“No, how could you! You disarmed me in my own battle!”, the prince retorted in indignation. Hot feelings flooded his body. His eyes wandered from Declyn to her partner. “And you took my beautifully manicured sword!”

Virgil shrugged at that, his mouth twitching into a lazy corner for a lopsided-grin. ...and then he blew really mature raspberries at him. "Suck up, Princey. War sucks and only the higher-ups seek battle rather than conversation." His voice sounded so excited, it was amazing he did not jump out of his socks with all the energy circulating within him. Clearly impressive. Dee let her hand travel down to Virgil’s grip on the sword he had taken to be his. He had stripped Roman of his word, off his sword. There was barely any left to the pride of this man.

“I love you my dear but I feel we need to take a less violent approach.” She gently squeezed Virgil’s hands and he slowly lowered his sword, eyes sparkling red warnings at Roman who still stood there, frozen and perplexed at how the game has changed in under a minute. Much to his disadvantage.

Logan cut in, for the first time.

”I believe we need to call for equality in this mater. Violence has brought this terrible situation upon us and has made love illegal to us simple beings.”

His words were clearer than glass, they felt cold but in a refreshing manner. Like stepping into the water underneath the frozen surface of a natural lake. It was everywhere and it ran deep into Virgil, dripping slowly yet flooding his mind with meaning in less than a moment. There was an intent behind Logan’s words.

“Equality? You don’t mean some shit like going back on how it used to be, right?”

Roman scoffed at them.

“Equality? You are my subjects and your words are an incredulous audacity to my work and status!”

Virgil glared at the prince. There was enough feeling to burn down the parliament in these eyes. They were dark like the night of mischief in which any resistance group would rise up to revolt against the state as it was. To change everything radically and drastically without warning, without open ears.

“One of us”, Virgil prompted and Roman’s eyes grew wide. Could he taste the disgust for being just as valuable as any other life? “One of us! Yes, Roman!”, Patton cheered happily. His cheeks went wide and he held out his hand to let Roman in.

He invited him.

“I might love a dragon but all in all, I just love his heart. We all have a heart.”

Dee cleared her throat.

“As a vampire, I kind of do not but go on, dearest companion.”

Virgil nudged her to lower her sword which she had pointed at Roman, still. She slowly blinked at the man and arched an eyebrow at the royal. expecting something.

“This is a riot”, Roman started but his words dried up in his throat and he had to clear it, granting himself another moment of pause to consider his words. “You want to abolish the royal family in this land but can you dethrone all royals in this world?”

Virgil dropped the beautiful and freshly manicured sword, still keeping his intense gaze fixed on the struggling prince. The weapon fell down in tragedy, the metal making a clattering sound. (It was a paper roll still, it just made a dull sounds but this was a fantasy world we were improvising here) A quick kick let the sword cry out in abandonment, in rage and frustration.

In war.

“Maybe we cannot but love surely can. And we will try.”

Dee dropped her roll as well and stretched out her free hand to invite Roman as well. Logan joined, extending his long arm to welcome Roman into the life of a common person, the life of struggle and family, the life of everyone. The prince still seemed torn, one foot closer to the group of unusual lovers and one closer to the kitchen unit and the cooling dinner eggs.

“You do not have to be afraid, Roman. You will be respected as a person, not for a crown.”

The prince looked to the side and picked up a small package of big loops.

“I want us to have rings together. I will give up my crown to step down as a royal but I want us to have a new bond. If you want to fight for what you believe is right, then I want to take a part in doing good deed and strive for a betterment of our world.”

Patton squealed and hopped up, nearly shaking the apartment with his powerful hop. He immediately dashed forward to embrace his friend, happy sounds and extensive praise leaving his mouth as he pressed their bodies together and told him about how he was proud of his insight. Logan was dragged along and nobody could deny the obvious smile that turned his usususally rather spacey or stone-cold face into a sweet mask of affection. He still insisted on holding out his hand but this time, he invited a beast and a heartless creature.

They all cheered to getting their respective share of fruit loops and everyone got milk (dairy free or regular cow’s milk). “I declare us to be companions to defy laws and rules for the sake of love and true love only!”, Roman started and held up his cup, raising it a bit for everyone to see and the others mimicked the motion.

“To love!”, the former prince invited. “To our union”, Patton added. “To relationships”, Dee offered and Virgil followed “to the revolution” with a cheeky grin. Logan blinked. “To true love”

Their cups made sounds as they all clashed together in a weird traditional way.

“Anyway, food is getting cold but this was fun, friends!”

Roman whined.

“Patton, you ruined the sceeeene”

His emphasis on the last word was obvious with how much he drew out the syllable. A loud crunching sound drew more attention to itself than Roman to his words with how much he bastardised the pronunciation of certain words in his dramatic flair.

“What? It’s fruit loops and I am hungry”, Virgil mumbled between his broken pieces of a green loop. It was sweet and artificial but he could bet he was already addicted. If he was a kid, he would bet he could see rainbows upon consuming this.

“Yes, Virgil is right. We united a fictional world so now we should assemble to eat at last”

“Thanks, Log”

They finally settled around the table, Virgil and Patton bringing the food over because he kept insisting it was the least he could do for sleeping through cooking. That was a lie. Patton probably knew it. The way Patton smiled at him with his glass green bottle eyes just let him know that he knew. He must have heard the door or seen them sneak over.

He was too scared of sounding weird if he asked how it took them this long to finish eggs but when Logan rolled his eyes and blamed Patton for starting “this ridiculous scene in the first place”, he blinked at the giant. They both knew. Virgil smiled and signed a quick thanks before returning to the table to lay it with food and others.

“Virgil, why do you call Logan ‘Log’?”

Patton glanced over Roman and Virgil for a moment as the latter sat down next to Declyn. She moved her arm under the table but did not put it on the table either. The emo simply fidgeted a bit in his seat, all limbs moving a bit as he adjusted on his chair.

“Uh, because I do?”

Weak answer. He gave it a shrug to emphasise the point. Roman arched an eyebrow at him, his features looking oddly wrinkled in a reaction he did not want to provoke. His gaze seemed distant yet so fixed on him and there was interest burning within him.

“Yes, but how did you come up with it? Is there some kind of story? It sure is a special nickname and I wish to be enlightened.”

Dee chuckled, curled up lips hidden behind a dark hand. The back of it was all the others could see instead.

“Do you feel in the right mood to enlighten the advocate of dragons?”

Virgil shook his head. It was his turn to giggle and he hid his full face in his hands. Declyn retreated her hand and looked at him, her lips still forming a smile of fine amusement. It was the mere ghost of a smile but it was warm and gentle when she observed the little wrinkles that formed around Virgil’s mouth. She could mentally see his nose scrunch up despite it being hidden behind his hands.

“Come on, Virgil, implore the idea of expanding Roman’s horizon with the precious knowledge of your nickname-giving abilities.”

Virgil giggled harder, his sleeves flailing for a bit as he adjusted his hands and rubbed them deeper into his face. His head was nothing but black and purple hair as well black jacket with single neon stripes on each side.

“I- “, he started, words breathless and useless. They were barely audible. Not to mention how torn and incomplete the one tone itself sounded already. He took a deep break and cleared his throat. One last giggle took him back and Logan brushed through his hair. “Dee, stop, I will talk just stop already”

He whined, drawing out the last ‘stop’ as he pushed his sleeves against Dee’s lap for dramatic effect to his words.

“It is just a joke about logarithms because when I met Logan, he was literally reading a book about numbers.”

Roman blinked.

“That does sound an awful lot like our teacher”

Virgil nodded, his head going up and down at an amazing speed. Dee gently squeezed his thigh and caused the other to curl up in his seat and take her hand.

“Needless to say I do not approve of the name. I did not do it back then, to clarify, but I do not approve any more of it by now, either.”

Virgil blew raspberries at Logan but because English was not exactly his best subject and he did not grow into it, he would call this action “farting at someone”. Logan gave him a look but even his glasses on his nose looked delighted.

”You are such an adult, Virgil.”

Patton let out a soft “aww” but did not do anymore but start to give everyone some food as silent indicator that they once had a plan.

Roman blinked.

“Wait, you are an adult?”

Virgil’s brows knitted together into a frown. Apprehension and the disability to understand the other sketched the features of his face into a near-neutral mask.

“Of course I am. I sign contracts and leave countries without parents, learn how to drive. I do all the adulting things. I work with Logan. You should know I am an adult.”

Words burned on his tongues. His sentence turned more and more sour with each word he spilled.

His therapist said it was bad.

Roman shrugged.

“Chillax a bit, Charlie Frown. I did not know that. I thought you lived here because you could not get your own place.”

Declyn dropped her fork, letting it crash onto her plate with a shattering sound against the tensed silence between them.

“I am moving out, like, next month. I got a place to go to. I pay bills here. What is your problem?”

Dee nudged him. He sighed in reply and Roman shifted uncomfortably in his seat.

“I did not mean it like that, I-”

Logan cleared his throat as Patton reached out to brush over Roman’s arm. His whole posture was straightening out for the fight already. He was a true knight. Always ready to jump into whatever battle he could feel coming up.

“I will be out of your hair soon. I am gonna be busy working anyway so you won’t see me. Don’t worry. Soon enough it will be like I have never existed in your world at all.”

Something marvellous fell from Roman’s face. For a moment, the gleam of an aspiring prince was gone. Virgil’s words had drawn something essential out of him. He just was not sure what i was but it left him feel.. acutely incomplete.

At the same time, Patton was drawing patterns into Roman’s arm and singing melodies of truth and peace with his thoughtful hums.

“Dee, when did you meet Virgil? I never thought you two would meet, considering you are done with your studies already.”

Dee’s fingers were entangled with Virgil’s under the table and they conversed without words. Nostalgia tuned the sound of her words when she decided to speak up after cleaning her mouth with a napkin.

“We have met about one year ago. It was not quite Christmas, though.”

Patton nodded, a smile prompting her to go on as Virgil pushed his plate away and leaned into his chair instead.

Dee squeezed his hand.

“I met her when I was out. She did not want me walking around all on my own because it was late and I was alone.” He shrugged as if all of these words did not matter. His tongue whipped out vocalisations as if they were the laws every person had to abide to. “She brought me home - someone else was with us because I talked to them and they did not trust each other to be nice to me. We fell asleep together and I got her number. That was about it.”

The giant’s lips rubbed against one another. He was tasting the lies of omission in his mouth and mused the value of his deception. He had a knife like a sword and a fork like scaled of justice in his hands and his strangeness was his blindfold.

“That was quite the coincidence, was it not?”

Virgil shrugged.

“Life has always been full of weird events and unlikely happenings, has it not?”

Logan nodded.

“It sure was.”

They ended their meal on this note. Neither the sustenance nor the conversation really had been worth it.

#ts fanfic #ts logan #ts deceit #ts logic #ts fanfiction #ts patton #fanfiction #fanfic #fanficion #joey writes #i am tired #hhhhh #ts roman #ts virgil #uhhhhh #anxceit #tw food mention

[oracleofimladris]

An Apology

To everyone who’s been around to day and who’s had the misfortune of wondering what in the hell has been going on.

Below the cut as this is going to be lengthy af, just for the record.

Simply put: I was not aware, that on a website where the main medium by which people communicate is reblogs, that there were people who assumed that their followers would not reblog their posts.

Sometime last night or this morning, I reblogged a post from elerondo in the form of a family tree - which I mistakenly assumed was a canon depiction, but was in fact, a personal headcanon (a headcanon they did not which to see reblogged at all).

After doing this, as it was still quite early, I continued with my morning roll-call of social media (tumblr, facebook, instagram, snapchat, discord, etc), and proceeded to the bathroom, and then to shower. Upon exiting the shower, as I sat my ass down, wrapped in a towel and drying, I checked my phone again, and noticed at some point in the last hour, I had received a tumblr message - or three to be exact. You see, I couldn’t have noticed this earlier, as I don’t have notifications enabled on any form of social media. I don’t like to be tied to my phone, and I found that when I did previously, I spent more time on my phone than I would have liked.

The messages are as follows:

Now, these could of course be interpreted as polite, however, I personally felt more like this took the tone of a 3rd and final warning, as opposed to a first interaction. 

Note: I have never before today spoken to the owner of this blog, as you can tell from the lack of messages prior to this morning.

Now, despite the very stiff tone of those messages, my initial reaction was to immediately delete the post, and to then go back to the message to reply and say that I had done so, only to find that I could send a message back.

I thought several things:

- Maybe they don’t have messages enabled (unlikely as they had sent me a message).

- Maybe they enabled it to send the message and disabled it immediately after (again, unlikely, I told myself, as tumbler would probably has deleted the message or something).

- Maybe I have universal messages enabled, whereas they only have “followers” enabled (which, again, is strange, because I was following them, but still, I thought maybe I didn’t remember the options clearly, and opted to send an ask instead).

The ask would have read something as follows:

The post was deleted. Could you at least tell me why, since I’m not a fan of one-sided conversations that benefit no one, and I can’t seem to send you a message back?

Note: I can’t confirm the exact wording as I didn’t copy the message before sending it.

Note: I thought it funny that the blog wasn’t loading as I went to send the ask from mobile, but let’s all be honest here, who hasn’t experienced technical difficulties with tumblr - especially tumblr mobile?

I thought it was weird, but I was in the bathroom, in the innermost part of our appartment, in a giant building made on concrete. I could be sitting by the window sometimes and not get cell reception, much less expect the wifi to travel all the way down the hall is still function at maximum capacity. So yeah, I let it go.

I got up. I dried my hair. I got dressed. I made my bed and sat down at my computer... But a thought was still nagging at me. The blog was still not loading properly on my phone an hour later, so I loaded the message on my computer. Fine. I checked the blog. Fine. I clicked-through on the pm. Bingo!

Nothing. Or whatever the tumblr message is for “you’re not seeing anything here because you’ve been blocked.”

At this point, I won’t lie, I was pretty insulted. In under an hour, I’d been sassed and blocked by someone I’ve literally never spoken to in my life, for doing nothing more than what’s expected of all of us on this god-forsaken hellsite - reblogging a post.

I was upset - angry, even - but I was nearly content to leave it be. However, going back to my first point that the messages struck me as though they were saying “you should know this.”

So I went back to the post and read it over again... No warning. I checked the tags... No warning. I checked the blog description... No warning. I checked their about page... No warning. I checked their rules page... No warning. Something similar about “interactions” - threads? - but nothing about headcanons. No warning whatsoever that this person didn’t want their headcanons reblogged.

Hence the posts you saw from me here, and on my other blog, regarding the reblog function being the cornerstone of tumblr (and elerondo, more like elerond-no). 

I decided to take the matter up with a few friends. I thought, yknow, maybe I’m over-reacting? Maybe I imagined this entire slight? Maybe the message I sent is what made them block me? I don’t even know...

I recounted what happened - to a handful of people now - and each of them weighed in, each of them claiming that they hade never before heard of people not wanting their headcanons reblogged - despite this clearly being what OP was upset about.

Note also that while I made these posts on my own blogs, blogs that were blocked by the OP, I was greeted with notes from a certain thisblogisgettingdeleted.

Now listen, I wouldn’t normally have made a fuss of it, but as this person insta-blocked me (effectively making sure I wouldn’t have a means to reply to them with), but made the very clear effort to make sure I knew they’d seen my messages, I felt rightly insulted.

At this point, I decided that since the only way to communicate with them would be through a blog that wasn’t blocked, I’d need to create a new one, and in order for the message to be posted if they ever replied to it the message would need to be anonymous.

That said, it certainly didn’t come out as nicely as my first message would have:

I made this side-blog for the express purpose to reiterrating my original message, and informing them that they were mistaken in assuming that it was “common knowledge” that people shouldn’t reblog headcanons. And that I thought their manner of going about things was childish at best, though obviously left that part out.

To this, they responded as follows:

Now, I don’t know if everyone is reading this the same way as me, but my first and foremost impression of this, upon reading it was that “first of all, I wasn’t passive-aggressive. I was full-on aggressive,” struck me as an odd choice of words. 

Surely, being full-on aggressive shouldn’t be something to brag about?

Note the following “you can’t accept that I blocked you,” preceeded by their creating of a side-blog to not only revisit my blog, but to interact there as well.

Followed closely by myself not being civil for not sending them a simple message... Note the steps I had to go through for them to even get this one.

Here they mention messaging me with their request, and their request not being met... An hour, guys. A single fucking hour - in which I shit you not, I was in the shower. That’s what I was given to respond to this. And yo, that’s the amount of time between when I checked my tumblr. That’s not even guaranteeing they sent me that message right after I switched apps. For all I know it could have been 30 minutes, or less.

Note: “do not reblog my ooc posts if it doesn’t include you,” still does not refer to headcanons, and I foresee them having this exact problem again in the future.

Now I was presumed to be online because I was still reblogging things... A mistake on our dear OPs part. Dears and dolls, if you’ve been following me for any significant period of time, then you know my queue is always full. Ergo, my blog is always running, even when I’m not around.

For this person whom I have never spoken to to assume anything about my life, much less to assume that I’m around to cater to their every whim, frankly astounds me. Even if I was online, which I wasn’t, I wouldn’t necessarily have seen the message right away eg. if I was on my computer and had a dozen or more tabs open, if I was in the process of looking at another blog, which cuts off the tool bar, or whatever other scenario.

Following this post, several comments were added by both OP and a follower of theirs:

After comments like these, I’m supposed to believe that “a message saying [I] have deleted of sth would have sufficed for [them] to unblock?”

Highly. Doubtful.

That said, I took it upon myself to also message the person in these comments, as they clearly weren’t going to waste any more time than OP did in finding out what happened.

As you can see from the following, they fare no better:

Blocked. Again.

Deserved? At this point, I don’t even care.

For those who were around to see it, my response to elerondo’s post was made on my personal dump as it was the only place associated with my main blog that would be able to post it.

For those who didn’t, you can find it HERE, or below:

In the end, I’m not writing this because I want this shit to keep going. I’m writing it because I got a lot of advice from various different people and the truth is this...

TL;DR:

The apology is for those of you who’ve been wondering what’s going on all day, not for the persons involved.

I did not send the message anonymously because I wanted to be anonymous. I really don’t care either way, because what I did was was not wrong. In no way is reblogging a god damn post on tumblr, of all places, wrong. However, the initial response I got, and the confirmation that it was indeed meant to be aggressive, have shown me that elerondo - and likely the company they keep as well - have no interest in being polite, or even in remaining civil, but instead are quick to insult and play the victim.

In essence...

Talk shit.

Get hit.

And if you can’t handle it, you probably shouldn’t be on the internet.

Sincerely,

Me.

#LONG AS POST #but probably the most detailed thing you'll get #because OP clearly doesn't care to wait around for more than half an hour for an explanation #andii's stuff

[ante--meridiem]

Idk, I think that likening writers to scientists "discovering truths about humanity" could be true for some but not for the overwhelming majority. I think that rarely who would care to write about sth they don't agree with, it's not the case of exploring and presenting the genuine results, whatever they may be, like a scientist, when there is exploring happening in stories it will always in the end serve to back up the writer's (most of the time preexisting) beliefs.

If a writer in their work unearths a truth about humanity it's rarely gonna be a truth that the writer finds uncomfortable, most people wouldn't want to write such stories. And by uncomfortable I mean truly uncomfortable, if someone wrote a book with the intention of shocking/challenging their audience then they're still dealing with truths that they themselves accepted, that's the only reason why they went through with publishing it. (that's why I think religious leaders do count in a way, most of them, just like most storytellers in general, genuinely agree with what they're saying, they are presenting it as truth just like a lot of stories will have a clear moral lesson or some sort of conclusion to the questions presented by the story, and despite there being a room for interpretation it rarely happens that the main moral isn't very specific, so that a deviation from the intended interpretation isn't considered a lack of reading comprehension skills (when the story is written competently), ultimately they are all stories that get told and influence people)

Well, in fairness, each writer has their own writing process and I can't speak for others', but I doubt I am the only one who finds that a message - if there is one - tends to emerge from the narrative I am telling, rather than the other way around. I think that the authors who deliberately craft every aspect of their narrative to serve a moral message are in the minority, and they also aren't really the ones this debate needs to concern itself with, since it's pretty clear they already have put a lot of thought into what effect their narrative will have and know exactly what they're going for - so the point would be rather redundant, in their case.

For most authors, if not an exploration of humanity, I think writing is at the very least an exploration of themselves and their subconscious. The pieces aren't all there when they start writing, they have to be pulled to the surface from somewhere. I think many stories do come from authors wrestling with aspects of their subconscious that they aren't fully comfortable with - that provides the meat of the story and conflict. Though I do agree that they have likely gained comfort with it by the time the story is publishable. If a question is truly difficult and significant enough to be worth answering, it's unlikely that it can be conclusively answered in the scope of a single novel, and pretending to have done so would make it shallow.

Regarding moral conclusions, I at least find that a story isn't particularly satisfying if there isn't some ambiguity. If anything, I would argue ambiguity is inherent to the purpose of fiction; if you were to spell everything out, you might as well write an essay or political tract about it; a fully conscious, fully explicit, unambiguous message doesn't seem best suited to the inherently subjective means of communication that is storytelling. If there was only one interpretation that didn't show a lack of reading comprehension, we wouldn't need Death of the Author as a potential frame of literary criticism, since the author should have made everything clear.

There's a degree of separation between the author and the audience in fiction that doesn't exist in plain speech, and I think the skilled author would take advantage of that. If what they have to say is best said by speaking directly, they should speak directly. The structure of stories is much more akin to taking you through their thought process and letting you reach a conclusion on your own.

Also, regarding the comparison with religious leaders, I think there is a marked difference in responsibility still. First of all. They don't speak just for themselves, but for an institution, and furthermore for an ideal they claim to be infallible. Their stories aren't presented as fiction. Authors, meanwhile, speak only for themselves, as humans whose knowledge isn't perfect.

And I have to admit I don't exactly know the details of the Star Wars fandom debates; I just took my points from some of the arguments that spilled over onto my dash. If you want to know more about that you'd have to ask the fans. Really, all I know is that someone framed the problem in the terms I mentioned in my reblog.

#fiction discourse #About writing #I have opinions #Asks

[brokendelusion-blog1]

Fearless Vampire Killers Aftermath

It's been more than two years already since the last show oft Fearless Vampire Killers took place and I can't help still being bitter about what happened.

So before you continue reading, I want you to know that this is my personal point of view, my very subjective way of seeing things and I have no intention of being nice just so I won’t hurt anybody (ironically that's pretty much the contrary of how I usually am and sth that I criticize about others).   I'm aware that lots of people defend Kier for his decision but I'm not one of them and since I don't want people to start harassing me, I even made a new tumblr blog just so I could get all these things that I have been carrying with me since the news about the band's break up off my chest.

In other words: I know that I will piss some of you off and I don't give a damn (again ironically that way of thinking is basically what I hold against Kier).

To make something clear from the beginning: No I don't know the guys or their families or their friends apart from seeing them on concerts and maybe some talking to them for five minutes or so. I don't pretend to know what they think or what they feel and yet I dare to speak up. And for fu**'s sake, I don't hate Kier, I'm far away from that. But I do for sure question his behavior and decisions.

One thing that hit me a few days after I read the sad news was that retrospectively lots of things make more sense to me now and sadly it makes it worse for me. Thinking back I realize one could have noticed a change but then again I guess most fans from any band are kind of blind to such signs. I don't exclude myself. Despite being older than most of the Fearless Vampire Killers fans (no offense here, being young does not equal stupid, I know that) I had this ideal picture in my head how the guys are, how they behave and how they treat each other. I waited to be disillusioned, because there always comes a day when reality hits you but to be honest, I never thought it would be Kier who'd smash my delusions.

I thought a lot about how it happened and something that bothers me more than anything else is that it was not just a shock for the fans but for the other band members as well. Something must have gone horribly wrong in their whole friendship but as mentioned before, I don't know them, I can't say what it was.

But I know for sure that deciding to leave a band is nothing you do overnight, especially when it's one like Fearless Vampire Kilelrs and leaving without further warning, just like Kier did, is nothing I can approve of. If I remember correctly Kier himself wrote that he was struggling for months and that he simply knew that there was no way back for him (I don't find the original posting anymore, if anyone has a screenshot they could provide me, I'd be thankful).

I don't know about you but I for one think that there would have been other ways/solutions. I don't expect anyone to do something they won't be happy with but it's not as if Kier would have chosen to try anything else anyway. He decided to quit and he didn't talk it through with his closest friends. And to all those telling me that there were no other possibilities I like to point out that several bands exist whose singers have side projects and are doing very well with this. In my opinion it would have been worth a shot. He also could have paused to make a new start with another project, to see if that's what he really wants now and to make a final decision later.

But in the very first place I think he should have talked to the band before all of that. What a shitty move it was to tour through Europe, raising the hopes of both the fans and the rest of the band just to quit a short while after that. I attended two concerts during the Bruises Headliner Tour and of course I seized my chance to chat for a few minutes with the band members and it was fun. Retrospectively I realize that what I thought was Kier probably having a bad day and therefore being absent minded was probably more what he said himself in his statement after the break up: He didn't have anything considerable to say regarding the band.

I'd love to tell you something else but I can't without giving myself away or the friends who told me that very something in private. It freaks me out a bit because it makes SO MUCH SENSE to me now (and to every friend of mine whom I told this story) and it would make my point of view clearer to you.

It made me think about how long Kier must have kept his feelings bottled up. I'm fairly sure he hurt himself with this as much as he hurt the other guys and yet I blame him for that. Why? Well because it was his own decision while the others were presented with a fait accompli with no chance of having a say in it, with no back up plan, with no chance of offering a solution everyone might have been comfortable with.

I want you to recall your friendship with your closest friend/s. Are they trustworthy in your eyes? Do you love them? Have you known them for a long time? Would you willingly hurt them? Are they someone you can tell anything? Do you claim to know them and to know their way of dealing with problems? Do they have metal health issues? Do they fear change or at least have a personal problem with it? Would you surprise/confront them without any warning with what will be the biggest change of their life in that moment? If your answer to the last question is 'no' I guess you already understand what I want to say. If your answer is 'yes' I guess I get why you still sympathize a lot with Kier. Nevertheless I hope you still see what I'm getting at with those questions.

In case you're still reading, you probably noticed already that this is something personal and not only based on a 'fan lost their favourite band'-story. I can't pretend my view on this whole drama is not influenced by personal experiences that were something similar. I had a friend who crushed our plans for the future with one sentence. This friendship never recovered and even after some years I can't help but feeling betrayed and that I was left with broken dreams, lots of self-doubts and the feeling of being totally worthless and meaningless while she moved on to live her life. The reason I still feel terrible thinking of her is easy to explain: When someone you considered one of the best people in your life and who claimed to feel the same about you, was willing to leave you behind like that and all of a sudden, without a warning, without a second thought about you, your health, your feelings, your entire future... what would other people to whom you don't matter that much be like? Do I have to mention that whatever trust issue you might have will be made worse?

Can you people imagine how terrible it must have been to show up to a regular band meeting, after your first Europe Headliner Tour and getting told that your friend leaves you behind? You're probably all hyped up, full of inspiration and hopes and then all is smashed into pieces.

There was no warning, no talking beforehand, no preparations for when he leaves... Or should I say... no preparations for the others since Kier seemed to have done his own planning? He came up pretty fast with a new name and a fellow musician. Didn't he? Well yeah, he probably set all up before he resigned from Fearless Vampire Killers and left the others with a mess and the need to start all over again.

I might have a strange interpretation of friendship but friends should talk about what's up in their lives and what bothers them, shouldn't they? Of course it's always a single person's decision to make, most of all when it's a decision concerning their own life. You can't live an unhappy life just so someone else gets to be happy, I get that. But the way you decide and the way you communicate your thoughts and feelings are crucial.

Besides, no one claims that it's easy to tell friends that your mutual plans for the future don't suit you anymore or that something in your life doesn't match anymore with them but wouldn't it simply be the fairer way of dealing with it to tell them in advance/the moment you realize it's not just a phase?

I myself seek advice from most of my friends and I do it especially when a decision will affect other people that are important to me. At least I try to talk to them, I try to make sure they understand my reasons and I try to include them in the process of making a decision. It takes courage to do so, I admit that but don't they deserve that? They are the most important people in my life and if I can't trust them to understand and to support me even if they might lose something in this process... then they are not my friends and our relationship was doomed from the beginning. But if I'm not even willing to try it the hard way, I don't deserve them.

Obviously nothing of that happened between Kier and the others and I really wonder why for they were best friends, the men who would walk through hell together...

I remember the farewell show and what happened after it very well. I remember how drunk Laurence was, barely able to walk alone and how Kier took another exit in the evening. It was as if I saw a bad movie where they show different 'What would happen if' scenes in one of the character's imagination. Except that it was real and so sad I had to bite my tongue to not burst into tears.

I got to know Kier (as far as one can say that) as an open and thoughtful person with a healthy view of life and personal relationships and I always had the illusion that we would get along quite well if we would happen to spend some time together. Now, after all that happened, I doubt that I would enjoy his company for long.

So basically, what I want to say is: It's okay that Kier decided to leave the band if it was a decision he needed to make for his own life to improve in his eyes. But the way he did it was the way of a coward and that really makes it hard for me to accept it.

Some other thoughts that are not directly linked to the breakup but still keep me up one night or another:

A few months after the breakup Kier posted this Valentine's Day picture on Instagram and talked about how his girlfriend makes him a better man. I was confused and – although it had nothing to do with me or the fans or any other person outside their relationship – mad. What was that all of a sudden? Why hadn't he talked about her earlier?

And what's the talking about being a better man because of her? Well, a 'better man' would have given his friends a chance to get adjusted to the thought of changing their plans for the future. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to attack his girlfriend, I don't know her at all but the way he talked in this post made me really angry because everything before seemed utterly fake to me then.

I don't expect people to make a fuss about their sexuality, lifestyle or relationships but if you're part of something like Fearless Vampire Killers, a band that means (or meant) so much for (young) people, you should be careful with what you do, say, and show. And so far this band was a real life queer baiting experience deluxe (and I blame not only Kier on this matter for the whole band had their part in this) that added so much fuel to the fire of fan assumptions that it almost hurts to think of it. I didn't even notice it at first, a friend pointed it out to me after I talked with her how I felt about the 'Hey folks, surprise I'm not gay and I have had a girlfriend for 5 years now' posting.

I don't care if people are gay, bi, pan, trans, nonbinary, genderfluid and who knows how many labels we have. That's cool, I'm one of them (and that's one reason why I sympathized so much with this band) but the way Kier wrote and talked during the time of Fearless Vampire Killers was so different from now and although I should know it better it feels like a betrayal. It feels like a big 'F**k you, I kept silence about it and played my part because you all thought I was gay and that suited my band very much!' (And don't come at me with options like 'bi' or 'pan' or whatever. I know that's possible but it's not the point.)

Furthermore I wonder how much his girlfriend knew about his plans. I can only guess but it'd surprise me if she didn't know about it before all the others and I'm not talking about a few days but weeks and/or months.

There were many comments on Twitter and Instagram by fans on this topic and while I don't condone the way they attacked her and how wedding pictures of their friends were publicly analyzed, I can't argue the points that were made. And since she chose to speak up by herself I can't just keep this out of here, either. I remember her defending herself (which – no matter how I think about her and her relationship to Kier – shouldn't have been necessary in the first place) and that she argued that all the people should stop blaming Kier for keeping their relationship out of his internet presence (well unfortunately those people proved him and her right to do so anyway) and that they also should stop  speaking up for Laurence and how they all could be sitting together on the couch now having fun but without a picture/proof nobody would believe her that there was no bad blood between the guys and how they are still friends and... Did anyone of you believe this? Like... really? I know people tend to defend those they love, I'm no better, but that bullshit was almost an offense. Especially now after all the time and after everyone could clearly see the effects of the breakup, her attempt to justify herself/Kier/anything in that matter appears kind of ridiculous.

Now it took me really long to write these lines, a few months to be a bit more precise. Thinking about Fearless Vampire Killers still hurts although I frequently listen to and enjoy the music. I thought about letting this text rot on my hard drive but then Michael left Inklings and after that I saw some tweets of Kier regarding his mental health that rubbed me the wrong way and the latest tweets of Laurence were the final push to continue writing this rant... (‘Latest’ translates into ‘we’re still some months past those events again…’ because I’m slow as f**k.)

So yeah, this isn't finished yet because here are another two cents of mine:

I personally dislike the sound of Inklings. It's average pop music that doesn't sound special to me. Deep Down' was the best so far but it's nothing I would like to listen to more often. In my absolutely subjective personal view the music is boring and some parts are too electronic and literally hurt my ears. I miss Kier's voice but not enough to endure this run-of-the-mill sound.

When the news hit that Michael left Inklings my first thought was: “Karma, Baby!”

When Kier wrote the first time that he recently discovered that he suffers from mental health issues I tried to be sympathetic but I couldn't because it felt too much like a payback from a higher force. Yes that's mean and I actually feel sorry for him now because I don't wish him anything bad, really, but you can't deny that it's a one of its kind coincidence.

Seeing Drew, Luke and Laurence working on new music makes me happy and full of hope but the joy is marred by the fact that Shane is no part of The Broken Kings. I have no idea what happened there and I can only make wild assumptions on how he maybe wanted something more stable and went back to his graphic designer life. (Oh, did anyone else think he was responsible for the Inklings designs?)

Reading Laurences tweets about Fearless Vampire Killers support my opinion that he hasn't forgiven Kier and is still deeply hurt. And you know what? He has every right in this world to still be bitter. I understand him and no matter how much I still like Kier for several reasons, I don't think I'll forgive him how he left the band. Not 'that' but 'how'.

And now go and hate me. I don't mind.

#Fearless Vampire Killers #Kier Kemp #Laurence Beveridge #Drew Woolnough #Luke Illingworth #Shane Sumner #Inklings #Inklings band #FVK

[breakdawn-avenue]

wuuuuuuuhh the wait’s finally over! since both episodes got out today (subbed, mind you), I’ll be doing a double screechings today so without further ado, let’s get right into ep83!

episode 83 “Irregular meeting” I STILL DON’T KNOW WHAT TO THINK ABOUT THE SCENE WITH REVOLVER, APPARENTLY BEING IN THE DESTROYED CYVERSE!?!?!? ...Frog, for goodness sake, it’s your own fault you’re in this situation if you keep trusting the wrong people! lmao the talk (discussion?) Yusaku, Takeru as well as Ai and Flame have is done really good. that’s actually a good way to make a recap, in my opinion. and awwwWWWWW Ai talking some senses into Yusaku! \^o^/ [@kurokunero , now Ai’s his MVP in canon x’D] *squeal* the conclusion of this talk gets me so emotional! so many truths, so many emotions exchanged ASDFGASDFG … … HOW DARE YOU THROW BRAVE MAX AT MY FACE AGAIN AFTER SUCH AN AWESOME SCENE?! *ugly screaming* *snort* but I have to admit that this rocket is so friggin’ extra extra oh my, I love it that Flame asks his partner how he feels about the meeting with Revolver. their interaction gets me every time asdfgh isn’t there a saying that goes like this: “desperate times require desperate actions”? because that’s how I actually interpret Revolver’s move to work with Playmaker’s group. story-telling-wise, it was actually a given, to be honest. even his try to recruit Blood Shepard (my concern aside how badly he would attack Playmaker). logically, it was one of the smartest moves Revolver ever did. but once they manage to defeat Lightning, I do wonder if Revolver hasn’t already warmed up to Playmaker’s group (especially Yusaku, Takeru and maybe even their Ignis!) and would still launch an attempt at killing the Ignis. I doubt it on a random side note. anyone noticed that Playmaker lets Ai do the most talk in here? lol I mean, I’ve read it either in one of darkzorua’s posts or in scratchface’s latest character analysis about Yusaku. it was funny to read it but this recap represents it the most. “Burned by cruel fate, no one can blame Soulburner.” no, no one can. I love that Kusanagi points it out in the preview on a random side note again, for a recap, I actually really do like the way they handled it. I like this episode

episode 84 “A turbulent past” when Soulburner brought out “Salamangreat Heatleo”, I thought this was fast. funny thing that Ai thinks the same x’D “If you’re worried that I’ll lose, don’t worry!” anyone else having flashbacks to Playmaker’s duel against Akira?!?!?! asdfg “He’s not the type of duelist to go easy on a challenger.” of course not. we’re talking about Revolver here. besides, it would be disrespectful towards Soulburner O.O HE ENDS HIS TURN WITHOUT DOING STH?! I PRAISED YOU JUST SECONDS AGO BAKA ASDFGHJ asdfgh he took “Heatleo’s” direct attack without doing sth!!! don’t you dare to lose on purpose! that won’t quell Soulburner’s agony!!! *blinks while the opening rolls* ...LOL that took me off guard x’D *shivers at Soulburner’s shout* (not gonna lie, we should give his seiyuu Kaji Yuki-san some credit here!) well, Revolver didn’t lose on purpose. Soulburner snapped out of it himself. but he still flat-out refused to do anything. DARN IT I don’t want to know how pissed darkzorua is HOLY SHIT HE SAYS HIS REAL NAME *eternal scream* *snort* OKAY I’M LIKE AI HERE welp, at one point, isn’t it harsh that, of all people, it’s Playmaker who tells that Kogami is dead? shouldn’t it be Revolver’s job, despite it’ll hurt like hell? on the other hand – PLAYMAKER GOSH DARN IT!? EVER HEARD OF COMMUNICATION????? you’re supposed to be a team! you should’ve told him this sooner!!!! (kurokunero can’t put all the blame on me anymore since not communicating at all is now officially canon! I didn’t make it up out of thin air!!) ...old Link VRains?! and the Tower of Hanoi didn’t vanish yet???? o.O okay, I didn’t expect that (turns out that Revolver wasn’t in the destroyed Cyverse but old Link VRains! duuh) and he wants to bring BACK the Tower to lure out Lightning! something inside me started to scream at HOW FAST Playmaker agreed on helping out Revolver again. my goodness, I have a feeling that his trust will come back to bite him in the butt! THE SCENE WITH FLAME AND TAKERU ASDFGHJ yes, kuro-chan, Flame is, as of now, the best Ignis! he loves his partner so much I can’t- huh, is Bowman actually creating that ominous “Mirror Link VRains” by himself? actively or passively? “Are you worried about me?” “That’s my role.” lmao way to put it, Haru “Don’t say that. Haru, you’re special.” IN WHAT EFFING WAY IS THIS LAZY BRAT SPECIAL!? *squeal* Roboppy loves her aniki so much lmao my heart! *squeals some more* all Roboppy ever wanted was to dance x’D (lmao Ai afterward) *gasps* her eyes turned RED AI WHAT THE HECK!? THEY are making – or rather bring out that Mirror Link VRains?! lmao okay, VRains is at it again! I NEVER KNEW I NEEDED TO HEAR PLAYMAKER SAY “LET’S GO, EVERY ONE!” AAAAAAAHHH preview! lmao the way it focused so heavily on Haru, it does make you question if the writers really intend on him having Miyu’s conscious like darkzorua speculated BUT OH WELL HE FINALLY DOES SOME SHIT!

was it worth waiting these two weeks for both episodes? maybe because we all know that VRains has a tendency of having one “meh” episode before coming back at you with full force. I was kind of curious for the Revolver vs. Soulburner duel, and even if I do understand why it was handled like this (and acknowledge that it really was the right thing to do for Soulburner’s sake), it does leave a bad taste in my mouth that they made Revolver do absolutely nothing. good thing he didn’t lose on purpose. bad was... everything else. it could’ve been such an AWESOME duel but since we already knew that it wouldn’t be even a two-parter duel... well... with how the things are we have now, I can’t see them duel anytime in the future. Revolver might play the punching bag with pleasure even more after developing kind of friendship-like feelings. I have a feeling that Revolver won’t get the chance of killing the Ignis / carrying out his father’s wish because of his own feelings. the thing with Mirror Link VRains was... a bit confusing. maybe I need to rewatch ep84 for it but from what I could gather is that Mirror Link VRains existed before because it’s kind of a... back-up from Link VRains? I don’t know if Revolver knew about its existence before or not. but it’s not Bowman who makes this strange Mirror Link VRains. since we got that shot of the ending again, this “outcome” definitely has sth to do with Bowman’s ominous operation. and ey! what was that with Haru in the preview?! in regards to the siblings-section, it does make sense that he and Blue Maiden will be dueling each other. but the preview did feel like making darkzorua’s idea canon. I don’t know how to feel about it x’D oh my, when it comes to my endless tries to predict VRains’ plot, I should keep my mouth shut because 90 % of the things I can come up with get debunked some time later x’D I wrote it before, countless of times, and I like to say it again: always expect the unexpected! we still have so many episodes to go!

#yugioh vrains #episode 83 #episode 84 #my screechings #I don't know if it was worth the wait lol #getting destroyed progressively or right away

[mangaka-neko-chan]

Have you been able to play DbD recently? (you know, the Emblem System update and all that) If so, what's your opinion? Like it? Hate it? Something in between or no thoughts about it yet?

There was once a girl who liked gaming and loved to talk about it. That girl had to move house for the third time. But she couldn’t just move smoothly from one place to another and everything would be perfectly fine, no no no. She had to move into a holiday apartment for two months before she could move to the new place. And while Overwatch was sparkling bright with it’s too early Archive Event on the left side and Dead by Daylight burned down in it’s Enblem System on the right side, the girl sat there with her good enough for regular activity LTE internet that wouldn’t let her game.

And that girl is friggin me since two weeks. Now you know.

So I obviously didn’t play the update yet although I definitely jumped up and wanted to do that immedeatley after it got surprisingly early released (I swear they only do that to make me mad *jokes*). But I can’t. Inet just wouldn’t let me I guess.

So I shooed my friends around a bit like some furious manager and told them to tell me every little detail about the new system when they played it (sorry about that). But I still have to play it myself to get a real opinion about it cause all I know so far is that 50% say it’s good and 50% say it’s bad. And even tho people try their best, their reports don’t really help me, sadly.

But so far from what I’ve heard and read…

Things got better for Killers, that’s good. The cube is gone. But apparently camping gets more, let’s say… appealing? since the reward can be insanely good with a high chance. The engram system had those problems since it’s beginning (I know that too well, this maddening feeling from getting solo tunneled and camped with the killer getting over 32.000 points from only that is still inside me). It's way better now but I still think it’s not good.

Over all I just have the feeling that we still suffer the same problem but things just swapped.

Cause now Survivors have a tough time to play this game. I just read that you suffer bloodpoints when you do teamplay. That the usually 100 BPs or sth from repairing a gen get devided when you repair with someone else and there are no extra points. And that’s in a game THAT’S KINDA MUCH ABOUT TEAMPLAY.

And I get it. I get it. Killers have a better life now. All Killer mains where treated so bad for such a long time. But it’s just shitty that survivors are now the ones who are suffering. Even me as a survivor main highly disliked the killer cube and I must say it was another reason why I didn’t want to play as killer. In my opinion they should have just changed that to the better, change the survivor BP system so you won’t just double pip almost only from chases then everything would be perfectly fine. But no, let’s release a system way too early that we didn’t even really test. Just watch the last dev stream in which people pointed out valid errors of this system and the devs had no real answer to that(Quote: cleansing dull totems don’t help the team so you get no ranking from it, but what about NOED, uhmmmmm). Often I question if they have people who test out their updates and by that I mean everything that’s possible without missing any details.

Anyways, I have to play the update myself. I just tried to hop into a game with a friend of mine. It didn’t work. Idk if it’s a bug or sth, or if my Inet just sais no. If that’s the case I could play the update only after April 19th. Rn I wait for the 15GB of the Overwatch Event to download. My new passion Pocket Camp works good, maybe that will be the new shit. Who knows. *kinda done*

I can just say that I do not have a clear opinion about the new system yet. Tho I must say that my view is still rather negative and filled with concern… like always.

I’d appreciate tho if ya’ll, my dear DBD community, could flood me with your opinions and experiences about the new system. No matter if you’re survivor or killer main or if you play both. I really REALLY want to hear your thoughts.

( o°w°o)/

#dead by daylight #dead by daylight update #ask me anything #anon ask #I'm proud that someone is apparently interested in my opinion to new DBD stuff #rn I sadly can't give anything aaah #I'm so sorry ´w` #m n c talks

[actiasteeth]

angsty relationship asks: david/ryan

do they have a lot of arguments? if so, over what? so so so many. typically ghosting / lack of communication and “”needing space”””””. later: “pls stop trying to fucking kill me.””

who apologizes first? in what way? is it hard for either of them to apologize? seeing as ryan’s generally the one in the wrong,,,,,, he’s the one who Should be apologizing first. a lot of the time tho, he leaves it up to david or he apologizes w/o Explicitly apologizing b/c he has trouble owning up to being a shithead. ryan just gets softer and more affectionate w him, tries to do sth to make it up to him. a lot of “pls i didn’t mean it”” / “”forget abt it”” / “i love u”””.

which one has more insecurities? over what? david. probably abt whether or not he’s actually done sth wrong to warrant being treated poorly.

who gets more riled up? do they show their anger? nnnnn. it would depend on the context?? both of them are capable of showing their anger, lmao.

how do they hide their pain when they’re upset? do they try to hide their pain? on the rare occasion that ryan is not the one in the wrong he’s verbally v quiet abt being upset. he p much goes silent and gets v tense and untouchy. it takes a while for him to rly find the right words to be like “hey this upset me”” b/c on some lvl he’s always gonna feel like he deserves it.

who tries to make up first? does it work? ryan. he can go from 100 to 0 in the blink of an eye if he’s over it. will try to act like nothing fucking happened. it’s,,,,,,, iffy at best.

would they hate-fuck if they were mad at one another? if they had a falling out? eeeeeh. theoretically ryan could be into this but in practice he closes off when he’s angry so probably not. they’re all abt that make up sex game tho.

do they hold grudges? is it hard for them to let go/forgive each other? david does more so than ryan. once ryan is over sth, once he’s had the time to process it, he’s over it and doesn’t care to revisit it.

is there something big that could potentially tear them apart if it was revealed? no?? i mean there’s a lack of communication sure but they don’t rly keep things from each other??

if something already happened to tear them apart, what would make them come back together? is it even possible? main verse, i think they’re p much doomed. breakup au?? there would need to be a solid exhibition of Growth mostly on ryan’s end—in his stability, in the way he handles situations, in reeling in his vices. david would have to trust him to be better.

what’s their favorite pass time when they’re upset? leaving mean drunk comments abt himself on david’s videos.

who do they confide in when shit hits the fan (besides each other)? ryan always goes to his sister loren if he goes to anyone at all. 70% of the time he’s gonna keep that shit to himself tho.

is it hard for them to talk about their feelings openly with each other? if so, is there any way that can be resolved, even in the slightest? david is more open than ryan is when it comes to Real Shit. whenever ryan is gearing up to vent abt things he just ends up sitting there saying nothing. ryan needs a couple drinks in him before he starts talking tbh.

who grieves more when the other is away? david.

who misses the other more, or really thinks about them more? also david. it’s not that ryan doesn’t think abt him or miss him, he’s just less inclined to let it bother him.

do either of them have a special item (an article of clothing, a necklace, a book) that they use when they miss the other? if so, what is it? what do they do with it (read, wear, look at, smell)? ryan’s absconded w enough of david’s clothes,,,,,, he wears them around the house p much 100% of the time tbh, even when he’s not Highkey missing him.

who cries more? who gets more emotional in general? is this evn up for debate?? david. it’s david.

do either of them have the other’s stuff lying around their house? feel like david would be more inclined to leave shit lying around ryan’s.

how about teasing? do they tease each other while in a fight (whether it be with themselves or just general teasing)? unlikely. they generally take their fights p srsly?? unless it’s like clearly a fake argument then 5000% yes to both.

do either of them have any vices? ryan drinks too much and gets progressively worse as their relationship deteriorates.

what’s the thing they miss most about each other? ryan doesn’t usually miss one thing abt david in particular??? if he’s missing him, he’s missing him as a whole. if anything got to him in time tho, it would probably be the lack of physical touch. as shallow as that sounds, lmao.

what’s their go-to breakup/angst song? for ryan, trouble by cat stevens.

who’s more jealous? neither of them rly. like, sure, they’re falling apart but it’s not like there’s any legitimate fear of unfaithfulness or anything of that sort.

who is the first to forgive? again,,,,,,, not that david is the one who needs forgiveness, lmao. but ryan will convince himself that things are david’s fault evn when he Knows they aren’t; will then proceed to drop it and be all “””i just want us to be ok,, dw abt it”” ?????????? whom’st’ve’d.

what’s the one deal breaker for either of them (lack of communication, fear of commitment, etc)? lack of communication, def. and being “””needy””””””””.

who would take longer to let go? do they ever really “let go”? both of them get an F in letting go (see: the breakup au). never in the 4yrs that they were apart did ryan even Try to move on or let go. like did he date?? sure. but he never went into it w the mindset that it would last and the Smallest things fucked him up on how Wrong everything felt and how Not David everything was and he just,,,,,,,,,, No. also main verse????? david won’t go into the fuckign light and insists on terrorizing ryan instead???? double F in letting go.

which is more afraid of confrontation? neither of them are a fan.

who’s the first to distance themselves (if either)? u kidding?? ryan.

who’s more patient? is it hard to break that patience? david. he put up w so much, pls. that said, ryan likes to think he’s p patient w ghost!david but That is too little too late.

who’s the first to blame themselves? david. ryan will shift blame off himself evry chance he gets even when he Knows damn well he’s in the wrong.

who’s more likely to do something out of spite? both.

who would be the first to say they hate the other? would they mean it? ryan. not to his face but he def told his sister that he hated him not long before david died. he didn’t mean it for a single second. even when he starts being a shitty demon abt things ryan still doesn’t hate him. he clings so hard to this ideal version of david that,,,,,, idk if there will ever come a time where there isn’t this part of him that’s so incredibly deep in love w that version of him.

who worries more? in the grand scheme of things, probably david. but i don’t see either of them as particularly big worriers.

what scent reminds them of the other? firewood. warm sugar syrup. asphalt.

do they have any regrets (regarding the other, or just in general)? ryan regrets taking david for granted. he regrets not actively trying to better himself regardless of always arguing that he was “”Trying””””. he regrets that he couldn’t commit himself to having a proper Talk abt how they could begin to fix things. not spending more time w him. not giving him the love he deserved.

who’s quicker to walk away if a situation gets heated? ryan generally backs off if david starts crying??? but if they’re just having a yelling match and no one is crying,, it just goes down until it doesn’t.

who is more prone to anger? ryan. he’s more irritable at least, so small things can set him off.

who cries more in an argument? do either of them cry? david obvs. ryan cries After the fact when he’s alone but p much nevr in front of david. he Will cry in front of ghost!david tho b/c it’s not like he’s got a choice.

does it take a lot for it to get to the point of yelling? no,,..,,..,….,,,,,

who sleeps on the couch? can either of them sleep without the other? ryan sleeps on the couch but not rly b/c they’ve been fighting. he’s just restless and gets frustrated if he’s lying there for too long trying in vain to sleep. that said they can sleep w/o each other (ryan isn’t exactly the biggest fan of cuddling anyway) but they Do appreciate the idea of waking up together so,, while it’s nice when it happens, it isn’t Necessary.

who’s more likely to protect the other? ryan??? in that if someone is talkin shit or sth he will Pounce both verbally and physically if he’s gotta.

if one of them gets injured, who worries more? i mean ryan’s out here encouraging david to do risky shit, Sure, but he’s like,, halfway joking and if david gets so much as a Scratch u bet ur ass ryan is tending 2 that shit. whenever they’re play fighting or w/e ryan is also rly conscious of letting up if david shows any sign of discomfort. i think ryan is?? generally???? less inclined??? to get injured????? but he will straight up Fight ppl if they push him so idk,, david might have reason to fuss over him but it’s Rare. he was probably a whole five and a half messes after asking david to teach him how to skate tho.

who would be more afraid of the other’s death/harm? LOL. i feel like this wasn’t rly a thing they worried abt Legitimately?? then it Happened and,, rip.

who ends up yelling first? are they always yelling when arguing, or do neither of them yell at all? 50/50 depending on what the argument is abt.

who would be more likely to save who? i wld think both of them wld make efforts to keep each other safe?? can’t speak for ghost!david’s problematic ass.

who stays up at night brooding? ryan’s insomniac ass.

who has more dreams/nightmares about the other? ryan has a lot of both after david dies. if u thought he wasn’t sleeping well Before,, that shit got 100% worse. he hates both but the good dreams especially always choke him tf up.

who comforts who after a bad dream/event? ryan before. now, no one.

do they think about each other a lot? does it affect their performance/schoolwork? in the earlier days of their relationship ryan was so bad at work, especially if they had plans for after he was off. he was constantly checking his phone and sending not-so-sneaky texts. catch him zoning out thinking abt him too. if david ever surprised him at work he always came back late from his break, lmao. he was bad in other ways when shit started going downhill in that he was absent and cold and quick to snap at anyone who breathed in his direction.

if one of them were to come back after a long time, who would come to who? would it go well? would the other person take them back? don’t think either of them would actively seek the other out?? i.e their reconnection would have to come as a coincidence. this goes abt as well as u would expect. both of them are some part willing to take each other back but,,,,, there’s def some hesitation there. ryan doesn’t trust himself to not fuck up all over again and sometimes it’s like he’s watching himself frm the outside. he keeps slipping up and making moves and trying to get david into bed but he always ditches before they have a chance to get Too Deep into feelings. eventually he ends up spilling his guts ofc (“””i’m still so fuckign in love w u u have no fucking idea”””) and they eventually bite the bullet and decide to try again. how well That goes is up for debate.

#it took 70yrs but we got here #c: ryan suriyasen #s: don't mind you under my skin; let the bad parts in #v: love of life written by the dead #.mr #thanhpls #long post /// #v: i don’t belong to anyone else

[calumcest]

first of all it's so nice to see that you're back & i hope you're feeling better? :) i really get that your friend wanted to leave, hamburg is just the worst and dresden is really such a beautiful city i understand your love for it well :) do you have any plans about going back to dresden? & berlin too since you said you want to? (i'm gonna assume corona kind of cancelled any eventual plans but still) & may i ask where in england you live? i love england/the uk a lot so i was wondering 🙈 (pt1)

(pt3) for example i personally love hearing about good parts of the east bc it's always shown like hell on earth when it wasn't all bad really? and i don't think i ever noticed anything about our landscape but that might just be bc i didn't pay attention 😅 is there sth specific that stuck out to you? and off the top of my head the first difference that comes to my mind is how there is still a pay gap between east and west which is mindblowing to me, and then the general behaviour?

(pt4) like my english teacher was from baden-württemberg and he had really big problems adjusting to our general tone? like apparently people in the west are more open and easier to approach which i found really fascinating. and i mean we are pretty divided by language though that's not exactly a west/east conflict i mean sachsen and berlin have such different dialects too. oh & i meant west germany until 90 - that just feels like the history of a different country to me.

(pt5) & i definitely associate myself more w berlin than with germany which also feels so weird? oh that's so niice!! i love these pics :) i was so afraid you'd say that 😅 it's always been pfannkuchen to me, berliner just sounds fucking wrong (i do get your points about it i just can't accept it bc it feels so so wrong) i don't have a strong opinion about nutella tbh except for it's clearly not der nutella. you're so right about that. like it literally makes me cringe to hear 'der nutella'.

(pt6) that's so valid articles cause a lot of distress since they just don't make sense sometimes. and if you're infiltrating duden already please remove kaktusse as a plural of kaktus i would really appreciate it bc the fact that they put that in literally makes me want to claw my skin off. hope you can find it for free! and you should definitely rewatch hsm! i did that at the beginning of lockdown and it was amazing

(pt7) ooh that sounds amazing!! and so funny just from the description i can't wait for more holyverse :) also quickly wanted to mention that thanks to all your atl promo i'm now listening to nothing but them 😂 -spoiler twin 

thank you!! i am feeling a little better gradually getting there taking a big ol social media break really helped! also yes i’m DESPERATE to move back to dresden the issue is i dont know wtf i’d be able to do there? because of the way the education system is set up in germany like i studied (man had to change that to past tense cant believe i’m DONE) history and german here and in germany that would be part of lehramt but here its like? i can just do what i like? (w further qualifications) i can go and become a lawyer, i can work in government, i can literally do anything and in germany its so restricted that i dont know whether i could actually go over unless i’d already established myself in a career path? so i don’t know :( i really really want to move back but i’ll have to find a career that lets me do that first! and if i do move back (which i pray i can) i think i’ll probably live in dresden first because i miss it so much but i’ve always wanted to live in berlin since i was a teenager and fell in love w it the first time i visited so i would love to live there at some point too but dresden is my priority i’m just so besotted sjdfnjsdf also i live in london! best place on the planet not that i’m biased or antyhing 

omg honestly i MISS kika might just fuck around and watch sending mit der maus tomorrow for fun i wonder if christoph is still there he was my childhood icon sjkdnfksjdf also me too!! i find it so interesting on like a day to day level? like obviously there was the overarching political regime but i’m more interested in how that affected the everyday lives of citizens of both states? my masters thesis is (hopefully) gonna be about how hiv/aids was constructed in the public sphere through language in the east and west i.e. how the government, intellectuals, media, church etc used language to create an idea of hiv/aids and people with hiv/aids its kind of building on my bachelorarbeit but its super interesting to me! 

omg literally same i find it so reductive when people are like ossi bad haha like? yeah lets not act like hohenschönhausen was a cushy hotel but there was much more stability in some areas e.g. housing/jobs? honestly i think the attitudes towards foreigners and the right wing sympathy was the main thing that stood out to me but that was probably just dresden/saxony LMAO 

that’s so interesting? i didn’t know that! honestly all of you lot scare me because the stereotype about how direct the germans are is like...so true especially as a brit i cannot lie to you my FIRST day at work i was in a meeting and they were discussing ideas about how to teach a particular lesson and one teacher put forward an idea and another teacher straight up went ‘no that’s a bad idea that won’t work. we should think about something else’ i was literally like ?!?!??!?! thinking a fight was about to break out cos in the uk if someone offers an idea and someone thinks its bad theyll be like ‘thats an interesting idea! maybe we can incorporate some elements of that’ which means its shit dont mention it again and i went home and i told my mum (shes my german parent) and she said when she first came to the uk her boss came out to his secretary and said would you mind doing this? and she went home to my dad and was like WOW my boss is so polite he said ‘would you mind’ and my dad was like babes...that means ‘do this or else’ LMAO like we just have such different communication styles? also it was the first place that i’ve ever been met with confusion when someone bumps into me or steps on my foot and i apologise like in the uk thats just a given but people would bump into me and i’d be like schuldigung and they’d be like why are you sorry i bumped into you not the other way round? 

that’s interesting! would you call yourself a berliner before calling yourself a german or vice versa? i assume it would depend on who you’re talking to as well like to a foreigner maybe more likely to just say german? although everyone knows where berlin is

omg NO pfannkuchen is a prper pancake but i will accept it because you are from berlin so you have authority i genuinely never heard pfannkuchen mean anything other than what dresdeners call eierkuchen until i was in dresden THAT was a nasty surprise because i dont actually like berliner so i just had to politely eat this berliner when i was expecting crepes :’( 

oh god please the first thing i’md oing when i infiltrate duden is getting rid of cases and genders if english can make do without then so can german we do not need any of that nonsense i dont care whether its dative or accusative TERRIBLE whoever invented the german language should be fired also i’m FASCINATED that thats what you dont like what would you like the plural to be kakti? kakten? kaktüsse? i’m very intersted in this 

I’M LIVING!!!!! alex gaskarth give me a commission for this free promo please god i love atl i need to relisten i went on a binge a few weeks ago and havent really listened to much recently besides vegas for some reason 

#spoiler twin #Anonymous #helen answers #HELLOOOOOOOO WHY WONT MY READ MORE WORK

[malkomishle98-blog]

Why does everything have to be so hard? Even now while I’m writing I am not confident about posting any of that. It is so much easier to erase everything you typed in bc it is not even on paper to toss away. Hashtag going green, lazy and who knows what else.  Today is a good day on the outside. It finally stopped raining since two weeks ago. The sun woke me up shining through my window. I was in the arms of a handsome tall guy who is In A Relationship With Me (Miss Misunderstood as P!NK would say). I thought it was 10 in the morning and everybody was out for the day. I thought that it was just the two of us. I imagined we would make some coffee, sth easy for breakfast and stay together all day doing nothing bc let’s face it - we’re perfect for that. Then we would browse through our social media as if our lives depend on it (I am not sure whether they rlly do). Then we would chat about some gossips or memes or the new Jenners Family Drama.  Then I would get frustrated bc we ain’t doing anything “together” and I’d tell him to go get sth done. After that we’re probably gonna watch a movie, talk about his absence from work and whether he will or will not be fired the next day. We were gonna tell each other “I love you!”and keep scrolling aimlessly through our news feed.  Is this normal?  I know most of the people nowadays don’t even have this kind of “communication”. They are always in a hurry for work, the trendiest new Ishit, PlayShit, Xshit oooor... Football Shit. I’m not saying that there’s anything wrong with having hobbies or loving a sport/game/virtuality. I’m saying that if you ask me (and even if you don’t you’re reading this anyway) these things are made for killing boredom, not creating it!!! What I mean is... Why should you ignore your “other half” when you can be with them, talk with them, cuddle with them. Why should I be tolerant to someone to whom I give my all and at the same time does not have most of his time freed for me?  Why should I get up every day, clean our room, open the windows for fresh air despite the fact that I’ll be cold. Why should I cook, stay imprisoned in this house bc I do know anyone here (we moved 5 months ago), just to feel pushed away at the end of the day bc my boy does not feel the need to spend all of his time with me.  I cannot get used to being ignored. Can you?  Imagine the only person you count on every day comes back from work, takes a shower, goes downstairs for a cigarette, plays his game/watches his show then goes upstairs, starts touching you and kissing you. You eventually have sex if of course he is not tired after the tough day at work and start scrolling again.  Why do I feel like I need more of my existence? Why is the “basic life” not enough for me? Is this the reason why I suffered so many years? Is this the definition of “being healthy and happy”?  If this is it, I want to say that I am BORED TO DEATH with it. If this is life after it stops being so hard, I don’t want it, I don’t need it draining my energy.  In the end all I know, all I want to do is to be left on my own with no one asking me what’s wrong. Because if they understood life the way I did, they would be bored as well.  I am writing bc I am bored, bc I have so many things to say and it feels like no one understands but anyway I know that if God brought me here, at this time, at this place, there have to be more people who think like me, who seek oldschool friendship, fun and bottle games. Karaoke, laugh and morning tea talk. I need a friend. That’s all.  It is not the same having a partner and a friend.  Anyway, it wasn’t at all ten in the morning, it was 7:42. His uncles had not yet left for work and I woke up to someone knocking at my door and asking my partner if he is going to work. I slipped away from his tightened warm arms around me and checked my phone. Told him he still has time to go to work.  He got so mad. Tried jumping out of the bed and then I caught his arm and asked him not to go like that. Asked him to calm down. Last night was enough fighting, I was thinking. He wasn’t.  He didn’t show up again after leaving the bed. And went to work. He didn’t want to go in the first place. Every time we had a fight he stopped going. I was just afraid we was going to get fired and my shifts right now at the fast food won’t be enough to cover our bills.  Also, if I have to be honest, I do not remember a full week of him going to work. I have a feeling that this whole story will not end well.  Now I’m sitting here, leaving the trash from my soul inside a social platform hoping that someone will understand and not judge, that anyone would even read this, that after someone reads how stupid I’m feeling, it will brighten their day. Thank you, Tumblr, for letting me say what I think without a scandal coming on the way, without misunderstanding me, without telling me I’m wrong bc right now, this is the only thing I need and here is the only way to express this.

#thoughs deep quotes life

[that-annoyed-ace]

Free complaining

So I’ve started an anonymous rant blog. Oh my, there weren’t much times when I was allowed to rant freely, without some ignorant people (like my parents) interrupting me, calling me weird or/and stupid and trying to explain the obvious to me, just because I reacted outside of their “how a normal person should behave” norms (apparently, only NT reactions are normal). It made me want to stop talking at all and wish (I still do, tbh) I was mute. Not to mention how unfriendly the society is to repulsed aces, throwing triggering content like everywhere. And people trying to blame you for having different attitude towards some stuff on me. As if it was so difficult to restrain from talking about sex with one specific person. No. I’m always the wrong one, always the guilty one, always the one that should adjust. 

As if! If you want only friends with similar attitude on life, search for somebody else, don’t mock or judge others. I’m so tired of adjusting and still being called hateful (if I was hateful I wouldn’t do my best to understand everyone who wronged me to be finally able to forgive even if I was blamed instead apologised to or helping my friends the way I can), demanding, stupid or eccentric. Like, there was a friend who’s always thought I’m an aspie (even before I told her, she told me she knew and that it was obvious, her sister was aspie and we were very similar in how we behaved) and still expected me to read her facial expressions or read between the lines even though inability to do it correctly is a part of freaking being aspie. I’ve done my best to help her in her tome of needs and been harshly scolded basically because I’m not a NT. I’ve lost touch with people who were dear to me only because they didn’t believe I may be an aspie, just “adorably weird” and then blamed me for basically having autistic behaviours. Or called me on “saying stuff that reminds them all the time I’m a repulsed ace” even though their actions screamed “hey! I’m hetero/homo/bi/pansexual!”. You know what? I’m recently too tired to talk to anyone, because I know that I’ll have to explain the meaning behind every world I’ll speak and with my low social energy, it’s so extremely draining that I just can’t. I wish there was something religiously neutral that would cover my entire face so that at least, people wouldn’t be able to comment on my facial expression. Because no, my mimics doesn’t work the same way NTs’ does. And you know what? I can’t even tell the difference, because I can’t read theirs. I just know it’s different because people often try to tell me how I feel based on it and they’re always wrong (unless I feel sad, because then I just cry), I don’t exaggerate. I’ve read somewhere that depression is a side effect of being autistic in a NT world. And I wholeheartedly agree. Same with burnout, I suppose. I’m seriously afraid of moving my body anyhow when talking to people for feat it might be interpreted wrongly and I’d have to explain myself only to be ignored because I’ve made a strange face or sth while explaining myself. It’s a vicious circle. 

Now, to the repulsed ace thing (I know this post is chaotic, but it’s meant to be like this - having an empty blog makes me feel uncomfortable and pressured) - the most infuriating thing about being one is that we’re treated like some tricky exception to the rule. Because, you know, being ace only means you don’t experience sexual attraction, not that you don’t have sex, etc. And that’s right, of course, but, when talking about ace, ppl tend to focus only on that sex-positive aces while mentioning in one (or sometimes two) sentences that some aces are repulsed. We’re treated as some kind of dark secret that exist somewhere. The sex-hating, angry people that make some bigots accuse the ace community for being disgusted with sexual people. As a repulsed ace to whom the idea of having sex with anybody or even my friends talking about having sex with anybody seems utterly disgusting, I'm even more irritated upon hearing such accusations. Because no, I don’t find sexual people disgusting. I don’t mind them having sex (I just don’t want to talk about it). And I’m not some dark side of the ace spectrum. And I’m not waiting for people to mention sth sexual just to yell at them and call them disgusting. If they mention it by accident, I’m not even ill-willed. So before you call all repulsed aces hateful, think twice, idk, get to know some repulsed aces. We’re not scary or something. Just different. Same with autistics. 

So, I’ve basically written a long post (that wasn’t really planned), but it’s alright, I usually rant this exact way.