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#I wanted to like them but I cant. But I dont hate them either. Theyre just... boring on their own
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ohhhhmygod im gonna be sick. actually nauseous and i did it to myself - there was a spider on the countertop and i Panicked, grabbing the first distance-killer i could grab. it was a grease cleaner spray. i buried it in the stuff, walked away to recover mentally, came back
it fucking fell apart and dissolved into the cleaner. i both feel horrible and im disgusted beyond words. how the fuck do i get rid of it
#slamming my face into a wall repeatedly#i cant leave it there to deal with after Sleep#bc my cats like to go onto the countertops when no one is looking#and i dont want either of them to get poisoned#but i cant rinse it into the sink with the faucet hose bc there's stuff in the sink#but idk if i can bring myself to do dishes with That next to me#and my fear of spiders is so intense that i Cannot get close enough to take care of it with a towel or somethin#im very good at fucking myself over in various ways!#if i had an appetite id lose it. permanently#what if! instead of dealing with it! i curl up in a corner and cry#except im not gonna do that ive filled my tears quota for the year & doing nothing wont help anything#sorry for venting again i just. ohhhhh this is horrible this is Terrible#if i still had my whacking stick id tape a big wad of paper towels to the end and clean the mess up that way#from a Distance!#absolutely unprompted#i wish i wasnt so terrified of spiders#they scare me So much....#the point of feeling physically ill! and like sobbing! or panicking! and this spider was Big!#i wish they'd stop coming into the house.... i hate killing them but i cant function knowing theyre there#but i can't force myself close enough to put them in a cup and bring them outside#so now i have THAT on my counter. disintegrated spider.#life is too fucking much lately... jesus.... i should really just bite the bullet and get this shit over with#no use waiting a month in perpetual terror unease and guilt. do it scared yk yk#im tired of my chest hurting and not being able to eat! i dont like it! i need change! terrifying horrible change!
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s4pphoiduser · 6 months
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in a world with an aftg show (because it Has to be a show, not a movie) seth would have a Pretty Guy actor playing him who looked even prettier when he was sneering or scowling and people would make edits of him with the velocity + slo-mo effects and be like "i can fix him"
#and kevin would be it boy of the century and matt would be THE 2000s icon along with allison#neil's the one who looks scrappy and jumpy (which he is) but everyone's gonna be in love with his sharp tongue and hater behavior#everyone would either hate andrew or love him and obv i fall into the second category i'd be no. 1 andrew minyard apologist/defender/lover/#everyone (including myself) would love nicky if this adaptation of him didnt come with all those predatory jokes godbless#everyone else is an icon. yes even aaron who's way too detached from the foxes but he partially slays just being a fox and king of idgafdom#the girls are icons obviously duhhh#but i think with riko the actor would be soooo good and pretty like scary pretty that people make edits and the captions are like DISCLAIME#wymack would have sooo many edits with the sound of whatever's trending that's equivalent to the usher DADDY'S HOME one#i actually have so many thoughts ab an aftg show despite how much i dont want it like i cant help it! aftg slays too much!#these bitches r all too damaged! i love them all too much! i think ab them all the time!#lots of people hate but aftg and the foxes r genuinely some of the most well written relationships to me probably bc i can personally relat#and i think a show would allow for other scenes that we dont see in the book bc theyre all from neil's pov and we don't really find anythin#know anything ab the other foxes beyond what neil knows himself#and LEST I FORGET. JEAN MOREAU. ICON OF THE CENTURY METHINKS...!#neil josten#andrew minyard#kevin day#dan wilds#allison reynolds#renne walker#matt boyd#aaron minyard#nicky hemmick#seth gordan#s4pphoiduser#aftg#all for the game#the foxhole court#the raven king#the king's men
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fuzzydreamin · 5 months
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per my Disciples Nuka World post;
no, no. please get into it. i'm working on a deep-dive into why the disciples are "like that" and i would absolutely love to hear other peoples' thoughts on them.
Well okay! Ranting under the cut!
So, the Disciples. They're boring. At first I was intrigued by them. They do look cool, and Nisha is presented as a scary character, but... we aren't shown anything to back that up in the end. There's nothing else really there. They don't really have a theme beyond being the same average boring raiders Bethesda always gives us.
I like the Operators and the Pack because they show the reasons people might turn to being raiders in a world like the wasteland. They're still bad reasons, but most reasons to be a shit person that turns harming others into their livelihood aren't going to be very good.
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But we're looking at the writing of the gangs and how they justify themselves here, not whether those justifications are valid (they aren't) in any real or even fictional sense.
In the Operators case they are all about getting ahead in their endeavours. They're almost business-like, but they aren't afraid to openly take out their competition if they have to. They're the overlap between what makes a person a raider or a triggerman, with the savvy and viciousness of both, but willing to go to lengths that triggermen usually don't.
Their leadership came from the highest class society you can find in the Commonwealth: Diamond City's Upper Stands. I'd say that a lot of their members also seem to reflect this, either coming from similar lofty circumstances or wishing to climb that ladder and act the part. Systems like that inherently run on putting others below you - ruining lives either figuratively or literally. The Operators understand and embrace this. They lie, cheat, steal, blackmail, and will use sex and mind altering substances to make sure that they will get their way.
They aren't as interested in killing people so much as they are in controlling them in some way - they're the gang who is likely most favourable of slavery, as they're always looking for ways to use other people, and you can't really use a dead body for much.
They're also the gang mostly responsible for building the gauntlet. Their people are educated and skilled, value teamwork, and are cunning and intelligent, all in addition to whatever bloodlust they might have.
The Operators want control.
With the Pack their themeing is obviously being othered from society. Both the animal(furry) aspect and their cannibalism show this, with these themes being used in the usual way to symbolise a disconnect with the subject from the rest of humanity in some way.
They're people who's desires and/or view of themselves didn't fit in with the norm of society, even for the wasteland. Now of course, not everyone who fits into that would become a raider like the Pack, but this is about themes, and it's easy to fall into being the bad guy when society already treats you like one for aspects of yourself that you can't help and/or don't want to hide. Especially when you live in a place like the wasteland, where raiders are already common enough. The Pack exists to catch those who do decide to become the bad guys they're likely already viewed as, or see themselves as in some way due to the way they feel. To let them live a life with the freedoms that polite society doesn't allow.
(As a side note, I highly recommend Lola Sebastians video essay on youtube about the subject of cannibalism in media - it's just 2hrs long and very good.)
I also find it interesting that of the three groups, the Pack is the only one who has a single leader with no chain of command sitting under them. Both Mags and Nisha have a second hand, and then another person to rely on too further down the chain. The Pack only has Mason. It's clear that Mason is both brawn and brains, and none of the pack seem to defy him - at least not openly. I don't think that's an accident either. I think Mason and the Pack are running on a very 'law of the jungle' type system, where if somone were both strong and clever enough to take him out then that person would simply deserve to be leader in the eyes of Mason and the Pack. But it does bring into question what would happen if someone were to kill Mason without taking over the Pack - or taking the rest of them out like the game forces you to. It could have been interesting to see that power struggle. Oh well.
The Pack wants freedom.
So what do the Disciples want? As far as can be seen, they just want to hurt and kill people. To cut them up and make them bleed and string their bodies up as nasty, smelly decor. Just like every other bland raider we've already encountered in the Commonwealth.
They're only shown to be interested in killing. Not teamwork, not building skills, nor living by any law or code of their own besides the usual "raiders be raidering". They have no motivation or meaning. They're serial killers - just ignoring that serial killers rarely work in teams, let alone huge ones, and often still have their own motives for doing what they do. Especially in literary works. Simply saying something like "but people like that do exist in real life!" doesn't justify Bethesda's bad writing here either. This is still a story, and in 99% of stories your bad guys need a better justification than just "they're bad!" (The only time you don't is in like, a monster centric horror movie, where the monster just exists to tear the dumb victims apart for the quick amusement of the viewers. Even then, the narrative is boosted by having a monster with a reason for being the monster.)
Nisha herself is presented to us as an interesting character; she's the one who makes a warning comment to Gage upon the player being made the new overboss, which immediately puts her in a spotlight and position over the other two gang leaders by interacting with you in the story first.
We can also learn that she's the boss that Gage fears the most. But beyond her liking to cut people up, there's no real reason for her to be so scary - not in comparison to the others. A big point about Gage is that he hates to use chems or alcohol because he dislikes not being in control of himself, which would open himself up for being killed or harmed in some way. Logically this should make The Operators his biggest concern. But instead it's Nisha. The defence for this is that Nisha is meant to be very clever. We're told this. But we aren't shown it very well, if at all.
She's meant to come off smart through our conversation with her, I guess. Because talking in a sneaky manner makes a person clever to Bethesda. We also learn that despite the truce that is meant to be in place between the three gangs she still lets her people kill members of the other gangs, just so long as they don't get caught. But... they do. We can find mutliple instances of Disciples doing sloppy jobs hiding their crimes. It's not a secret they're doing it. This makes Nisha look bad, because she clearly doesn't have as much of a lid of things as she would like to claim.
It also ignores that the Operators already have 'intelligent and sneaky' covered in their own themeing. By giving these traits to Nisha too Bethesda is simply doubling up on them but without the justification to back them up for Nisha and the Disciples. It comes off like Bethesda went "Smart guys (Operators), Animalistic guys (Pack), and... uh... let's just do regular raiders but also try to make them smart too?" And it didn't work.
Hell, you can't even argue that they're at least still better than the Commonwealth gangs, because I am far more interested in the lore behind The Forged and Judges Jury than the Disciples. And that's mostly just from notes and terminal entries! They at least have reason! Culture! In the end the effort that went into the Disciples is about the same as some of the more mid Commonwealth gangs.
There could be some arguement with the fact that the Disciples are largely made up of female NPCs over males, with enough male NPCs to count on one hand, but again there's nothing actually done with that. It could have been really interesting if it was! But it wasn't! It's just a random thing you can note yourself by running around their base. It's not actually brought up at all.
Ultimately I think a lot of the Disciples and the Nuka World DLC being "like that" in general is because there were probably plans to do much more with them but Bethesda rushed it out to get it done, meaning a lot that likely had been planned got cut, leaving us with nothing but glances beyond an ultimately disappointing experience. Like they do with everything.
Maybe in another version of the DLC Nisha and the Disciples had more of a role to play which would have fleshed them out more in opposition to the other gangs, but that's not the reality we got. We got nothing.
So. Yeah. That's why the Disciples are my least favourite of the Nuka World gangs. I'd love to see your deep-dive when you get to it. Feel free to tag me!
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sonknuxadow · 2 months
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im generally not a fan of the idea of any of the early 2000s sonic games being remastered because i think those games not having the most updated looking graphics or the best voice acting ever is part of the charm i dont want them to be changed to look and sound exactly like every other sonic game thats come out in the past 14 years
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healingheartdogs · 2 months
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People who don't know dog body language who have pushy sketchy dogs are so awful to be around. I told our housemates that their dog Klaus doesn't like me when we went out to watch the eclipse earlier today because I didn't want to go in the fenced yard with him out and they were like "oh no he's fine don't worry." When he saw me he charged up to the fence, high flagged tail, snorting and barking and jumping at the fence and they still were like "oh he's friendly, he just wants to smell you, see his tail is wagging". Like my dude... tail wagging does not mean friendly, and what about the noises he's making rn sounds friendly to you?
Selene's sister grabbed him and I thought she was going to take him inside because she acted like she was going to, but instead she stopped halfway and just held him back while I came into the yard and then let him go to run up and sniff me, which he had very stiff body language the entire time he did so. For a while after that he ignored me because of the kids calling him away and was chill, but still kept coming over and sniffing me occasionally and was very tense each time so I just tried to stay calm and sweet talk him and didn't try to touch him to help defuse the situation.
Then I walked a little away from the group to point out a plant in the yard to Selene's mom which was a mistake because once I was out of the little circle we were standing in he started body blocking me, tense face, stiff body, whale eyeing, and then jumping at me and barking. They tried to call him away and were like "oh he's just trying to get you to play, sorry he's so demanding of attention." I started trying to walk toward the gate to leave because he very much was NOT trying to get me to play and I did not feel confident in their ability to control him, and he immediately did it again. And again they tried to call him away. And I got maybe another two steps before he turned right back around and did it again. And they called him away again saying he was just trying to play. Rinse and repeat for a total of like six times of him body blocking me, tense and whale eyeing, and then jumping at me and barking. All while they're just laughing like "Sorry, Klaus just really loves playing". Dudes your dog is actually behaving aggressively toward me right now, please get control over him so I can leave he is NOT TRYING TO PLAY WITH ME.
This is the second time I've been invited into the yard while Klaus was out and the first time they kept telling me the same thing but he was actually following me around growling at me then and they were still like "oh it's just cuz he doesn't know you yet, he'll warm up to you, he's friendly". YOUR DOG IS SKETCHY. I DONT WANT TO INTERACT WITH HIM. HE DOESN'T LIKE ME. PLEASE JUST PUT HIM INSIDE WHEN I'M IN THE YARD WITH Y'ALL. And PLEASE learn some dog body language because nothing about his right now says "friendly" at all!!!!! Not even a little!!!! TAIL WAGGING DOES NOT MEAN FRIENDLY, ESPECIALLY A HIGH FLAGGED TAIL.
#i will not be going back into the yard while he is out#i only did this time because they made it seem like they were going to put him inside#but then didn't#i do not trust that dog#and they are oblivious and just laughing while he is actively menacing me#cant tell them shit about it though because they act like we're criticizing their parenting if we do and get offended#and then be like 'well your dogs are out of control so what do you know' because my dogs bark at strangers#like... okay your dog growls at and menaces strangers???? mine just bark at strangers who talk to them and try to rile them up#and i dont correct them for that because its not worth correcting and also not their fault#your dog is actually dangerous and you dont have control over him#my dogs are not dangerous and when i tell them to be quiet and get inside they do#so who doesnt have control huh????#theyre just mad because theyre the strangers my dogs bark at sometimes and since i dont like how they interact with my dogs i allow it#because they are rude as fuck and do not respect my dogs' boundaries at all#and think that dogs shouldnt be allowed to have boundaries because they should be 'kid safe“ which really means shut down from punishment#thats how they are with klaus which is a big part of why i dont trust him too#because they have created a dog who gets punished for setting boundaries so that the kids can 'safely' climb all over him and annoy him#and to me that is a recipe for a dog that doesnt give a lot of warning before becoming aggressive because hes been punished for it#i do not trust dogs who have been punished for having boundaries#and i dont trust their owners either#also them doing that means their kids think they can do whatever they want to dogs and interact very rudely with them#so i dont let their kids interact with my dogs at all now because even with me constantly correcting them they ignore me and are rude#and that definitely is something theyre also salty about because their kids want to play with my dogs#and they also want my dogs to play with Klaus and there is mo way in hell I'd allow that which they also dont like#hes an intact bully who they have admitted can be 'really fiesty' with other dogs#and Hermes is an intact male who seems to have a 'kick me“ sign on him for other dogs and i just wont risk it#and it drives them crazy that i dont trust their strange dog not to be aggressive to my dogs and wont let them all be 'friends'#DOGS DONT NEED TO BE FRIENDS WITH STRANGE DOGS THEY DONT KNOW OR LIVE WITH#I hate ignorant pet owners that make their ignorance my problem#rant
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marklikely · 9 months
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the way straight people are about marriage is genuinely so alien and concerning to me like ik we say they're not ok as a joke sometimes but genuinely they are not ok. someone should save them
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hourcat · 11 months
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charles is still mad that pierre went and posted about going to the coldplay concert with his girlfriend instead of him. he was like, "why am EYE the side piece, break up with her or I will start sleeping with max."
bestie, love and light, but charles would sooner threaten to step foot into the next oceangate research vessel than threaten to sleep w max
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steelycunt · 2 years
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aus where r/s have a kid are a little strange to me sorry. because well s okay i sort of get it but r? what about that man makes you think he would a) want a child b) be a good father to one. be real
#when i say aus i also mean the child she made him father in the canon material. which never shouldve happened#teddy lupin means nothing to me. those are just words. there is no residual fondness left over from my affection for his father#sorry but even if they got married. i dont think theyre having kids. that seems like such a strange next move for them i cannot imagine the#wanting that#r endangered every child in hogwarts incuding his dead best friends son so as not to damage his reputation with the big boss. and now you#have to understand i dont see that as any sort of crime because i dont give a shit about any of those kids if it was up to me#he wouldve eaten harry when he got the chance. but the principle of it does not scream to me 'man who should have a child :-('#as much as i HATE to acknowledge the existence of hjp. he was kid enough for s i think and i grant you he was a good parental figure to him#but like. for him and his loser boyfriend to go out of their way to have a child. feels unlikely ill level with you. but this might all jus#be my disinterest in kidfic showing. i think im right though#like its one thing to take h in as the orphan son of ur dead friend in canon. but like in aus...hm.#its the same as i feel about them proposing to each other. said it b4 but i cannot imagine either of them planning some big heavily#orchestrated candles and roses down on one knee proposal. that is not them its just not. if they DO get married its because they are#brushing their teeth together and one of them goes we should get married and the other one goes what? and the first one says we should#get married again and the other one goes take your toothbrush out of your mouth i cant understand what youre saying like that. and the#first one takes their toothbrush out and repeats i SAID we should get MARRIED and the other one goes oh okay. if you'd like#anyway. this post got away from me no one is reading these tags are they jeez#r/s
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skyllion-uwu · 6 months
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Am I nauseous because I'm hungry or because I triggered myself last night
#my stomach hurts and i need to eat but the idea of doing that is. ack#and i cant tell my parents why because id have to unpack so much spontaneously#like id have to explain i was on the internet before they let me make an account and that i didnt tell them when i was getting those dms#and how its basically ruined any neutrality i had towards sex because ill be fine and then BAM!#everyone else is 12 year old me and im an adult and im my abuser and im going to hurt them if i keep talking about this#just because it was only words doesnt mean it fucked everything up forever. i know back then i was aroace but didnt have the words#but i sincerely think id be just sex neutral if it wasnt for that fucking asshole and now i think about sex for too long and get sick#and i didnt say anything because i thought they were my friend and i dont know if they were 11 like they said they were or not either way#its just. im getting so much off my chest here i wish i could go back in time and tell myself to block after that first message#and i didnt say anything after i realized because i wasnt allowed to have social media and i didnt want to get in trouble over that part#fantasizing alone is one thing but as soon as someone else is involved theyre me and im that person on da and i hate it. i hate it i hate it#i hate it i hate it#is that a common thing. where you feel like youre the abuser in certain contexts even if youre nothing like them#whatever. i have physical therapy and then ask a prof if i can use him as a reference and then finish my application if he gets back to me#and then i can rot all i want#sky vents like amogus
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throwawaytabs · 9 months
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ive realised, its not that my family is against me or out to get me, its just that theyre indifferent to me & they want their kicks one way or another
be it drama, resources, revenge, someone to take their emotions out on; they want their kicks and dont care who gets hurt or traumatized. especially not me.
white family be like
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hungry-hobbits · 1 year
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i dont like saw 3 much but amanda in it is very relatable to me as someone who looks after a very ill loved one and has had to become very knowledgeable of their problems and fiercely protective over them in a personal and medical way - the fear, the love, the frustration she has in regards to john are all things i've experienced with my mother in some way shape or form. even the way she is antagonistic towards lynn for thinking she knows the situation better, the way she screams for her when the situation becomes something she's unfamiliar with - i've been in those situations
i dont really have a fun and concise way to end this post i'm just thinking about amanda young
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toastsnaffler · 1 year
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my graduation is supposed to be in august + im requesting to graduate in absentia but i feel terrible abt it bc im not telling my parents 😑
#just bc if i do tell them they'll probably pressure me into going. and i dont fucking want to its my degree i can celebrate how i like#i wont even be living here in august!! and its a wednesday which is super awkward + im only allowed 2 guests but i have 4 parents lmao#which means i have to choose between my mum and dad. which will end up in hurt feelings either way#and theyre making us pay for our own robes which is stupid bc they literally have like 40k from me already#i cant sit in a stuffy hall through a two hour long ceremony that i wont even be able to hear with no one i know ill commit homicide#no point in doing drinks aftwr bc none of my friends have the same graduation date and i dont drink#like theres not a single reason why i would want to go. so im not going to#but i can already feel how disappointed theyll be.... and theyll be more mad if i dont tell them beforehand but i dont want to debate it!!#ik this is such a stupid thing but its making me stress like hell#ugh#my current plan of attack is not to tell them until they ask abt it and then the decision will be made so they cant do anything abt it#even if theyre upset abt it. but i HATE lying even by omission im the least dishonest person ever this is making me feel sick#and i have to tell them eventually bc ill need to get my diploma delivered to them so arghhhhhh#i technically got my degree over a year ago anyway bc i dropped out this is so dumb#they shouldve just been like sorry no ceremony for dropouts!! and then it wouldnt be my problem#whatever. deadline for registering is at 5 so itll be out of my hands once that passes thank fuck#.diaries#i think im getting unnecessarily worked up abt it bc im just generally in a shitty mood tbh#gonna go for a walk and find somewhere to sit and read outside until i feel more sane i think
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mrfoox · 1 year
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hate my autistic mind who always just wants to spend time with two people but i feel like i’m bothering them so i don’t ask them and thus i feel lonley af
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penisliker-moved · 2 years
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im like *Gets mad at my parents*
#im like constantly baseline mad at them but i cant be Mad at them all th time bc i run out of fuckign energy yk#i just wish theyd stop trying to give me financial advice like 1. Stop fucking looking at my bank statements leave me the fuck alone#my dad literally said it up so hed stop seeing my bank statements why the Fuck is my mom seeing them. shes not even connected to th acct#2. you think im going to take financial advice from ppl who had kids at age 20 one hs a shopping addiction the other buys new gaming#consoles when his kids r starving. You think im gonna take financial advice from th couple who hve been on th brink of divorce for 15 years#and then decided to BUY A FUCKING HOUSE as soon as one of them got a job that paid like 25 dollars an hour. full offense. if i want#financial advice im not fucking going to you two chucklefucks.#if my childhood has taught me fucking ANYTHING its 1#what not to look for in a marriage 2. what not to do with my money 3. how not to raise kids 4. Dont ever be like my parents#like. gddd#and she ws like#bitching at me abt having a savings acct. which i have#and i have a decent amt of money stockpiled and she knows that bc she snoops on my shit#and ALSO shes literally never had a savings acct in her fucking life afaik#ik its mot their fault explicitely that we live in poverty ik both of their families r like. well theyre both pretty poor#but yk like. theyre bith so fucking irresponsible with their money qnd i hate that theyre trying t act like paragons#when again. th only thing theyve ever taught me is What Not To Do. i never wanna be like them id genuinely rather be dead.#ik im just like a dramatic teen but. the thought of ending up like either of them is my biggest fucking fear. whatevr#and ik ppl say moving out rly helps yr relationship with yr parents but gd i. Ik theyll keep asking me for money and keep rpetending that#either of them r like. even Slightly worthy of being called a parent#GD. WHATEVER
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sonknuxadow · 1 year
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i went to three different stores that would have the sonic action figures today and i still cant find big or chaos </3 Sad
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rewrentless · 2 years
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.
#its 2am i have work tomorrow time to be sad about my gender#ive been volunteering at this place a couple days a week for the past month and a half and i havent come out to them yet#i really fucking need to cause i cant stand it i hate being called she or girl if its not my family and i cant do anything about that yet#but its fucing scary theyre taking me on for placement and to hopefully hire me after what if they dont accept me or are shitty about it#i mean i literally told two of them that im gay and trans but i dont know if they were actually paying attention or not#and i told them that wren is my chosen name but not why#my therapist recommended emailing my manager and getting her to tell them but my mum is handling my emails to her and thats too awkward#i also really want to go on t cause im so sick of being misgendered by strangers especially when i think i look masc#like ive been thinking about for years but theres the fear of looking too masc or that itll be equally shitty to be misgendered as a man#also puttinh it off cause id need my mum to help me with the form cause its confusing and wordy#i just want to live as wren#i dont want to be living in the shadow of my deadname#i dont want to ever hear that name targeted towards me ever again but out of my family only my parents call me wren#cause my grandparents dont understand and i only ever see my aunts and cousins in their house so i cant be wren to them either#i absolutely love my grandparents so it fucks me up that i can only fully be myself after they die#even then one of my aunts is incredibly transphobic and i doubt the other is much better#love that this all started cause i was clearing out my wardrobe and got upset at how many of my shirts and dress emphasize my chest or hips#i never realise how much dysphoria i experience till i try my binder on once in a blue moon and nearly cry with euphoria#im gonna see if i can tell at least one of my coworkers my pronouns tomorrow
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