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kimberlyannharts · 1 year

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So......a little while ago we had the big milestone of MMPR reaching 100 issues. Which I’m not going to lie - is a really big deal, and something worth celebrating. Even if it’s technically cheating a bit because we’ve been splitting MMPR into two for the past few years. But still! It’s a big deal, so we’re going to talk about it now that everything’s done and the books are moving on to other things. It’s Charge to 100 - Power Rangers edition!

As I said in the Mighty Morphin post, the Power Rangers’ side of Charge to 100 is actually more of an event storyline, as everything it does leads up to #100′s story. And in all honesty, this is because Charge to 100 and MMPR #100 is, in essence, the finale of the Power Rangers side of the main series; and not just because after this, the series rolled back into one monthly MMPR release. The Mighty Morphin side contributes to #100, and the storyline calls back to events in MMPR, but ultimately it’s a Power Rangers story more than a Mighty Morphin story. So how does that work out? Well, um.

Summary time. Jason decides looking for the fascist murderer that they let escape at full power isn’t worth wasting time on anymore so he and the Omegas put it upon themselves to tell the entire universe they’re their personal cops now. Andros sees their message and enlists their help to free the last survivors of KO-35 and then get his Astro Megaship (with bonus twinksicle inside) back from his enemies. Meanwhile Trini and Zack save and adopt an alien baby they name Journey, whose gimmick is they age super fast. Jason and Andros save the KO-35ians and Jason’s condescending white boy attitude towards the genocide victim is interrupted by his mom we’ve never met dying. Andros commits some war crimes and steals a Gold Omega morpher from the Safe Haven vault. Some people fight aliens to cope so after the funeral the Omegas go to take back the Astro Megaship and Andros Pet Semetarys Zhane with the Gold Morpher, unleashing the Death Ranger. Surprisingly the Death Ranger is evil and “kills” all the Omega Rangers. Zombies. The MMPRs once again need to clean up the Omegas’ mess so they fight and fight and Jason learns to let go of his mom I guess and Death Ranger goes bye-bye and Jason loses his connection to the Omega powers somehow so he leaves. Trini becomes Omega Red and Kevor, one of the Harturian refugees from Ultimate Power, becomes Omega Yellow. Due to their accelerated aging, Journey dies of old age. THE END!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As usual, the positives. Because despite my distaste for the Omegas, there were some things I liked here! While I didn’t think much of Journey the first time I read due to the reliance on family sitcom cliches and just waiting to get to the point of their inclusion, I liked them a lot more on a reread. They had a fun personality and I welcome any kind of alien physiology in Power Rangers that makes them more than just a funny-looking human. Their relationship with Kevor was cute, even if it only got an issue before it turned weird with the whole aging thing. And of course the inclusion of a regular non-binary character, even if.....well.

The most memorable part of the event is undoubtedly Death Ranger, who caused a stir the moment they were first revealed to the public. And let’s be honest, it’s because they’re a super cool concept! A lost Omega ranger, with the powers to manipulate death itself; and more non-binary representation, to boot. Like!!!!!! They raise zombies!!! Who doesn’t love a good zombie story?

well.

Beyond the initial cool concept, they’re...........boring. I’m sorry guys. They dropped the ball hard with this character. Their main source of intrigue comes from their origin book, something that is barely referenced in the main series at all. Obviously they want you to read the Unlimited book alongside the main series, to the point where it’s being included in the volume collections, but with how little the main series references their backstory, it makes you wonder what the point of telling their origin was in the first place. Which is a shame because their backstory promises an evil but ultimately nuanced and tragic character with their own identity and past life, but the main series just delivers generic evil conqueror. (Hmm, sounds familiar.) It feels like such a waste of potential, since there was a lot to talk about here - they’ve technically outlived their old team. Xi worked with them, yet the two never acknowledge each other. (On Xi’s part, it’s established they refused to upload their old memories, but this doesn’t amount to anything but a personality change and again, Spa’ark doesn’t acknowledge them.) The core of their struggles coming from how they were separated from their species’ hivemind and thus didn’t have “death” the way most beings do. How they are ultimately motivated by wanting to help others find justice. Nothing from that ever comes to play to make them seem more than just Evil Death Spirit who is too mean about wanting to do the right thing. Their biggest claim to fame in the main series comes from their powers, which even then is confusing (they kill the Omegas to take control of them, yet when they’re defeated and their influence over the dead is gone, the Omegas....are still alive? Jason gets stabbed clean through the chest and Zack is implied to have gotten mauled alive by a zombie Yale, and there are no consequences there?)

I understand Boom wanting to keep Death Ranger an open concept they can return to, especially considering their immediate infamy, but their defeat in this book amounts to the basic “you bested me, but I’ll be back!!!!!!!!” - something we saw with Alpha-1, of all villains. So it just adds to the feeling of wasted potential - this character could have been SO much more and told a way better story than what they gave them. Especially when over on MM we had a very intriguing story about someone trying to beat death......though I’m biased. And I know recent solicits have confirmed apparently the Omegas’ newest mission is to search for Spa’ark but.....with both of their ties to the Morphin Grid destroyed, how is there anything left of them to search for?

On that note, let’s talk about The Themes. Obviously this story is ultimately about loss and the importance of treasuring every moment you have with your loved ones, because you don’t know when they’ll be taken away. It’s something told through Andros losing his planet, Zack and Trini losing Journey, and Jason losing his mother. The best way I can describe its execution is...........you can see it, but you can’t feel it. Especially with Jason’s plotline, which is arguably meant to be the heart of it all with him becoming Death Ranger’s new primary host.

I’ve complained about this a million times ever since the reveal but having Jason’s mother die hurts this more than anything. And it’s not from lack of trying to make this work thematically; a lot of emphasis is given to how lot of the tragedy comes from how unexpected it was. That Jason had given himself time to prepare for his father’s death, but not his mother’s. And that’s fine. What hurts it is that this apparently huge loss does not translate properly to the reader. Jason’s mom was never, and I meant NEVER, a character before this; just someone we knew existed because Jason and his dad would talk about her sometimes. And even then it’s implied in early GGPR that his mom was just as distant with him as his dad was. There is nothing for the audience to connect here with beyond just basic-level “sad my mom died” in any kids’ movie (and even then, there’s at least ONE scene that establishes how important the mom is to the kid before she dies.) And it’s taken even further when what you would think is the ultimate consequence of Jason’s grief, that he would choose to go along with the Death Ranger’s promises of bringing her back.................he doesn’t.

He says “I would give ANYTHING to see my mother again” literally right after he refuses to go along with the Death Ranger. To contrast this, Andros going to these huge extremes to save Zhane and his people actually does translate to the audience that this loss was impactful in a way that......means something to the story. (Which it should be, because Andros is a victim of genocide in an interplanetary war. It bothers me that the book tries to act like Jason understands this, when their tragedies are nothing alike?) And it hurts it even further during Jason’s trip through the Morphin Grid/mindscape or whatever and sees the illusion of his mother being alive; we already know he refused the power of the Death Ranger to bring her back, so where’s the tension in him being given the chance to stay with her if he stays with Death Ranger, or the character development that comes with him refusing Death Ranger’s power? He already said no to it!!!!!!!

It just boggles my mind that something that seemed so clearly set up - Jason suffers a sudden and tragic loss, in which part of his grief comes from taking his mother’s presence for granted under the assumption he’d always have her, and is presented with a chance to make it right - but he immediately says no. So Death Ranger’s takeover of him has to be done through a sneak attack and forced consumption. (It doesn’t help that the possession in general is just......Spa’ark puppeting their bodies and not a mutual combination of wills a la Eddie Brock and the Symbiote.) In general, Andros’s choices carrying the Death Ranger storyline this much works to its detriment, because it robs the Omegas of really having agency throughout it. Zack, Trini, and Yale in particular are presented as mindless, generic minions once they’re possessed, with the only indication they had more going on with Zombie Trini apparently holding back....something that’s only told to us via Journey and not shown. (Which is weird considering Zombie Zhane was able to talk and outright mocks Andros for fighting back???) I’m not sure if Andros’s inclusion was an editor mandate or not, but I feel if you took him out and gave the basic drama of his storyline to the Omegas, it would feel more earned and give their choices real weight.

(And honestly, having Jason’s dad die could still work for the theme - such as Jason believing that living it up on Safe Haven and neglecting his Earth responsibilities left his dad without the extra care he needed. There’s a lot of emphasis on the Omegas treating Safe Haven like this perfect utopia, including a scene where Jason is acting extra flippant about how great they have it, that I thought for sure that’s where this was going.)

On Zack and Trini’s side of it, well.......I’m honestly not sure what to ultimately think of it. As I said before a lot of it mostly serves to tie to the themes of spending time with loved ones because you don’t know how long you have with them, which makes it feel very self-contained as a whole, especially how Journey - whom is arguably the main character of the arc, even more than Zack and Trini - dies at the end without really contributing anything to story beyond lending an extra hand in the final battle. Outside of that it really just feels like a basic funny adoption story (complete with that stupid “Dad hates my boyfriend” trope that is honestly out of character for Zack) that I don’t really want to call filler, but it can feel like it was just something to give Zack and Trini something to do while Jason and Andros do all of the important stuff. Zack and Trini don’t really develop as characters (Trini becoming Red happens offscreen and she's been teased as a new leader long before this), and their relationship doesn’t develop into anything more significant than it was before despite them being....you know.....PARENTS (and this was written way before we knew Minh existed so “oh well Zack/Trini isn’t endgame in the show” is no excuse.) It was a bit of a wasted opportunity to not have their possession via Death Ranger tie into their own griefs about the possibility of losing Journey or how they miss their own families (because apparently “fear of losing their loved ones” doesn’t apply to the ones they left behind on Earth.)

Yale is also there. And like. They do stuff with Jason and Andros? But it really shows how they’re not so much a character than a mascot when after they become a ranger you immediately bring in three new characters for the Omegas to bounce off of. And as for Kevor, the new Omega Yellow......well.......after a strong introduction where he rightfully points out the problems with the Omegas and Safe Haven, it’s never brought up again (a common scene in the Omega books) and he just becomes Journey’s friend/kind of love interest before they die and he gets the Yellow morpher offscreen. It’s......extremely forced, and disappointing that his character development goes from “criticizing the Omegas to becoming one of them,” especially when we don’t even see that happen. He and Zack don’t even resolve their arc-long tension. It’s less “yeah, he deserved the powers over anyone” and more “well, Journey’s dead and Arkon’s old, so I guess he’s the last named Safe Haven character we have left to fill the suit.”

Meanwhile Kiya is still in that fucking jar.

(Also in general it sucks that pretty much everyone in the fandom was assuming Journey would become a ranger, giving us the possibility of another non-binary character who’s an active ranger that isn’t an animal or robot. Instead the book ends with both Journey AND Spa’ark gone. Thanks, guys.)

I think the harshest criticism I can give #100 is it doesn’t feel like a huge milestone event of MMPR, despite claims from other readers that it celebrates ALL of the MMPR comics and not just Ryan’s run. Like Eltarian War before it, it’s a finale that belongs solely to the Omegas; specifically for Jason. Sure the MMPRs come in to help and land the final blow on Death Ranger, but it’s once again relegating them to just an extra pair of hands rather than characters with personal stakes. The only time we really get a “celebration” of anything else is through Jason’s little trip through the Morphin Grid, and that involves.....a page where he’s with the originals on the Megazord, a page of the scene where all the rangers gathered back in Shattered Grid, and one last page of quick flashes of events mostly from Necessary Evil. I know Ranger Slayer, Ari, and Remi’s inclusion back in Necessary Evil’s finale had its own problems, but at least there it gave a better impression of the previous eras of comics contributing to the big milestone’s victory. And in general I just don’t understand why it only led to Jason’s departure when all three of them retiring their powers to members of Safe Haven would have felt like the story encompassed all three of them rather than Jason - because really, even his departure feels lackluster because it’s literally described as “just a break” that’s more or less forced onto Jason rather than an ending he chooses.

Yes yes I know this is most likely referring to how he’ll eventually become Zeo Gold but you can still foreshadow that while making it clear Jason learned something from this whole experience. And besides, this could be twisted into him possibly returning to the OMEGAS, which would be completely shit writing. Not even going to be nice about that. It would be shit.

And the worst part of it is not having ALL the Omegas retire is it apparently leading to one book switching perspectives between two separate teams again......because THAT went over so well in Necessary Evil.........

#mmpr comic #text #long post

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thecagedsong · 2 years

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October Fic Recs 22

fic you’ve read more times than you can count fic you stayed up way later than you should have to read

Here we go, like my blog, this will not be bound by fandom.

Long fics I reread:

Embers by Vathara on ffn ------------------Mandatory mention because I finished my . . . err, 16th (?) read through of this monster this week. I read this every 4-6 months to remind me what it means to be human. I would leave a comment, but I’ve already commented on every chapter and FFN only allows one comment per chapter. Atla, truly explores the world and build it up with reliance on mythos and hints from canon and I typically break down in tears about 6 times while reading though it.

Around and around again by Frostedrose. I came across Cinderella Phenomenon when playing with Otome games to get a better feel of the genre for my hamefura fics, (free on steam!) and the game blew me away, but the fandom is so small. Then there is this fic, and it’s as beautiful as they come. Read four times now, I think.

If Roles were Reversed - by Glon Moreski - Inuyasha. Re-read three times, because it’s so, so good, with Kagome as the Warring States Period helf-demon and Inuyasha as the bored teenager from early two-thousands. Does interesting things with genderroles, Kikiyou, and extroverted busybody Kagome desperately reaching for connections in a world that hates her.

Short Fics:

She Calls it Agony by Musings of a Muse----- Fairy Tail. Some authors are all about the language, and their stories demand to be read aloud. That is this story, and I have to read it quietly aloud to myself the several times I’ve read this, because I’m so in awe of this story, I have to express it somehow. Really short.

Trouble is a Woman by ABadPlanWellExecuted. Doctor Who. Four chapters, maybe abandoned, but the way the story delves into the Doctor and Rose’s characters leaves me in awe and I’ve read this multiple times.

Practical Mythology by lyricwritesprose. Doctor Who. Three chapters of Team Tardis. Nothing explicitly shippy, which really allows the conflicting backdrops of where Jack is coming into this life and where Rose is coming into this life really shine. I love this so much.

And Finally, because I need to leave some fic recs for the rest of the month:

The Birth of Heroes by CSLong. My Hero Academia. You ever want to Uraraka face the trial and learning experience of excessive tragedy that rescue heroes could never get enough credit for, and have someone call her a hero for it? (This is really incredibly heartwrenching and I’ve read it several times now. Please read it. Not shippy)

#October fic recs 22 #atla #cinderella phenomenon #fairy tail #inuyasha #doctor who #my hero academia #BNHA #uraraka ochacho

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anti-katsuki-lounge · 1 year

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A thought occurs to me: have we ever heard Aizawa being critical of the Hero Commission?

I don’t remember. I’ll have to rewatch/reread to find out. I’m pretty sure he criticizes society’s over reliance on powerful quirks (though as a previous post mentioned he also expresses how the system allegedly doesn’t let those people succeed which makes him a huge hypocrite in that regard)

#mha critical #anti shota aizawa #anti eraserhead #anti aizawa shota

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steelycunt · 11 months

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Ridi, Ridi, sweet Ridi,

I have a question to ask. I’m re-reading Giovanni’s Room after a looong time and - well. I’m feeling so many emotions.

When they talk about the American perception of time, and the European perception of time, I just had to underline so many things because well - I live in Italy myself and the perception of time is truly different here from other countries.

What is your take on that? I would be so so happy to hear it!

Hi hello bab! Firstly, sorry for being so late to reply! I wanted to hold on to your ask, because when it came in I knew I also wanted to reread Giovanni’s Room soon, so I wanted to save it for once I’d done that and had a fresher memory of the book!

I’m not sure I can provide much depth of analysis (my English A Level has not stood me in good stead xo), but I do always find David and Giovanni’s first conversation at the bar really interesting, even if it’s a bit of the book I have more trouble on pinning down. David’s consistent, futile reliance on physical relocation (away from America, from Paris, from the house in Southern France) as a means of escaping that which is part of him, whether it is an aspect of his identity or the guilt of his own actions, sends him all the way to Paris (There is something fantastic in the spectacle I now present to myself of having run so far, so hard, across the ocean even, only to find myself brought up short once more before the bulldog in my own backyard, etc….) and has him try to escape the ‘funny’ USAmerican sense of time and meticulous control of one’s own fate that Giovanni describes, wherein with enough time and all that fearful energy and virtue you people have, everything will be settled, solved, put in its place (it’s probably also worth noting that you get the impression that when characters speak of Americans, they seem largely to refer to white USAmericans, for example Giovanni saying, you are all merely emigrants. And you did not leave Europe so very long ago).

I’m not sure exactly what my thoughts are as to whether—and how—time is perceived differently in different places (and in different cultures, which I expect would be more significant)—so I’d love to hear more about your thoughts on that and how it manifests where you’re from! But the way history and time and fate are linked in conversation between David and Giovanni in the book is sort of my main takeaway from it I suppose; the idea that in American cities, like New York, one feels all the time to come, and thus��Giovanni argues—one feels time has the capacity to settle and solve all the serious, dreadful things, as opposed to Paris, where one feels all the time gone by and thus accepts certain powerful, unchangeable realities of life/the ocean. I don’t know if I’d necessarily agree with those conceptualizations (and obviously, they’re very generalised), but considering that David comes to Paris for a sense of freedom from his so-called American perception of time and fate as something that can be controlled, he still doesn’t really abandon that approach—or at least up to and beyond the death of Giovanni he attempts to deny certain realities, even if he cannot control them (he seems to try and control/reject the things he can’t, while escaping responsibility for those things that he can): you think you came here covered with soap and you think you will go out covered with soap—and you do not want to stink, not even for five minutes, in the meantime. Between the two perceptions of time offered, I felt as though the book’s events seem to present Giovanni’s as more convincing, but that might just be because David as a character is perpetually in denial, and perpetually fleeing reality and consequences; as for the specific differences between how different places experience and perceive time, I’m not sure what I think about that concept! I would love to know what you made of it! Sorry my response is so late and a little. Nothing and all over the place fdsfhgdhfds! But thank you for your ask!

#i feel like i havent said anything that actually. makes sense but...that book makes me so crazy every time i read it i feel like i have just #had a big wave crash over me #telegram #giovanni's room #deniaklara

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alangdorf · 1 year

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Hi! This is a follow-up post to my kingdom hearts fic Ten Minutes Too Late that I’ve been meaning to make for several years at this point. Under the cut will be some rambling about why I stopped writing it (tl;dr: ADHD, predictably) and then I’ll explain what my future plans for the fic & its universe were and post what stuff I did have written up. I’m totally fine with it if anyone happens to want to use my ideas for their own work btw, I probably won’t be getting around to finishing it anytime soon if ever.

Oh also! BBS Tangled AU writeup is here; I won’t bother with the few snippets of writing I did cause they were all very short false starts.

(Note: I will probably not be making a similar post for my old Undertale au. It’s been too long for me to remember much and I don’t wanna go find my notes, also it’s just not that interesting. The main secret [the Frisk in the comic was from Jerky’s timeline] was guessed immediately anyways.)

The Writing Issue

Guh. So I’ve always been really bad at the act of writing. Results are usually decent, but trying to get myself to write anything that my brain isn’t just coming up with on its own is like pulling teeth. (Honestly it should’ve been a major indicator of my ADHD growing up, but I was the guinea pig oldest child and didn’t get diagnosed ‘til I got to college and the additional time management responsibilities - and writing assignments - pushed things into unmanageable territory.) I’m also an incorrigible perfectionist and rarely manage to force myself to push out first draft material I’m not happy with. Unfortunately this also applies to writing I do for fun, so I have to really really really be inspired to be able to write and even then it’s still often a struggle.

Since I have very little practice with writing, I also just have a large gap between my skill level and my taste, and overall I’m very conscious of issues in my past writing - jokes that are lame because I couldn’t think of anything funny, inconsistent characterizations, over-reliance on plot contrivances (I’m largely resistant to being bothered by contrivances but like it’s a LOT), too much angst and not enough other stuff to balance it out because the angst is all I can focus on, trying to tackle things I don’t have enough personal experience and/or knowledge of and/or tact to handle in a way I find satisfactory, etcetera. I always like my stuff quite a lot when I’m actually rereading it, but the bad bits are what stick in my mind, so it’s hard to even think about my writing without feeling really embarrassed (and meowing). Which makes it really hard to want to focus on writing more of TMTL. Though I also just haven’t been hyperfixating on KH in several years. Maybe I’ll finish my four blaseball wips someday but the odds aren’t looking good…

TMTL Plans

Anyway, hmm, where to start… well, chapter 16 was gonna be a flashback to what happened to Ven & Vani at the start of KH1, namely that they went to the play island while Ansem was there, Ven lost his heart in a Neoshadow attack, and then Vani’s coerced into being a henchman again since Ven’s basically a hostage. He does not have a fun time with that, but he does train Riku (and yes he was the mystery person they saw at Hollow Bastion). I wrote out that chapter but I was a little dissatisfied with it. I guess at the end of this I’ll post all my snippets.

I had a whole plan for all three kids’ paths through KH1 but it was probably wayyy too overambitious to try and write the whole thing given I was never that interested in the kids or in the Disney worlds. To skip to the important bits at the end (also I don’t entirely understand my notes for the rest), Kairi gets to Hollow Bastion before Sora does and Vani ends up removing her heart (it goes to Sora) in a last-ditch effort to stop Ansem’s plan and also keep her safe-ish; in retaliation Ansem sends him to the Realm of Darkness. To be honest this was mostly just to set up Naminé’s continued existence and to get Aqua out of the RoD early.

The end of KH1 goes about as normal except Kairi tags along (also Ven wakes up but doesn’t tag along). Aqua finds Vanitas and Vanitas finds Riku and Vani portals them all out cause I guess he can do that. Then things get a little interesting: since Ven was not involved in the events of Birth by Sleep, Aqua never turned the Land of Departure into Castle Oblivion, so the events of Chain of Memories just kinda don’t happen. Naminé still pops up in the LoD, but Aqua has just returned home and takes her in. For a while. The org comes for her eventually.

The replicas also happen, but under slightly different circumstances; the org occupies part of Hollow Bastion in secret before the Restoration Committee really gets everything under control and they use several stored heart scans: Riku’s (from during kh1) to make Repliku, and, just to see what would happen, they mashed up “Princess of Heart” Kairi’s (from pre-fall of Radiant Garden) and “What I am is darkness” Vanitas’ (from during kh1) to make Xion. (That’s why I draw her with pink eyes in this au, it’s purple + red. Also the average of 4 and 26 is 15, it’s perfect) I dunno what effect them being pure light + pure darkness would have, if any. They’d probably just be a mostly regular keyblade wielder but that’s still valuable to the org.

And with Chain of Memories not happening (also Roxas still exists like normal), Axel gets four kids! I didn’t have any other plans for kh2 and beyond. Eventually Xion gets adopted into Kairi & Vanitas’ family, Roxas into Sora & Ven’s, and Namine is Aqua’s daughter and/or little sister. Also Vanqua happens but I’m not posting most of the stuff I had written for that; it was weird cause I’m not good at writing romance.

I was also very interested in writing interstitials for chapter 3, more about Vanitas and Kairi’s time in Radiant Garden and involving more of the people living there (oh man I remember I had this whole big idea about Cloud and Sephiroth being a really weird heart experiment done by apprentice Nort half-remembering the whole Ven & Vani thing), and also slice of life stuff about everyone living on Destiny islands in the long timeskip between chapter 7(?) and the start of kh1. I’ll put that list of ideas in the snippets section.

The Leftovers

The Chart(TM)

Interstitial ideas list

Ienzo sometimes hangs out with Kairi because Kids; Vanitas does NOT trust him bcuz he is an apprentice and usually brings the wrath of Even with him

Yes Braig is blackmailing Vanitas for babysitting purposes, but he’s also actively protecting him from apprentice Nort?????

Untitled Unversed Game is still so good [Note: this was basically just Unversed wreaking minor havoc in town while Vani’s sick]

All the radiant garden peeps may have had more important stuff going on at the time but they do remember the local cryptid Untitled Goose Game-ing it up for nearly a year and while they may never have seen his face or talked to him, they recognize the Unversed and they’re just like???? The cryptid’s back? And he was just a weird homeless kid the whole time? And Cid’s like yeah duh, I’ve been telling you kids that for the past decade

ALSO I only just had this idea but considering Vanitas got badly enough injured by Aqua as to be put fairly solidly out of commission for a few months, he probably didn’t manage to get entirely off the street before passing out for a while; I dunno much about ffvii Cid, but I do get the vibe that he’d be the type to pick up strays and then gripe about it constantly while picking up some more, so? You know where I’m going with this. Although this is Vanitas fresh offa bbs and four years with Xehanort prior so he does not trust anyone further than he can throw them. Also he probably doesn’t know that Xehanort got amnesia yet, so there’s that too.

Kairi keyblade training??

Oh yeah by the way Kairi and Vanitas? You have three older sisters now who are absolutely thrilled to have surprise little siblings

If he fits he sits; iF HE FITS HE SITS

Kairi settles in nicely (by repressing her trauma) but hoo boy VANITAS is gonna be INTERESTING

DON’T FORGET THE UNVERSED BTW

Also Ven settling in with Hikari and Sora and becoming a real boy

Vanitas angst but that’s a given

Riku?? Riku???????

Ok did Vanitas actually talk through his trauma during therapy or did he just get assistance wrt dealing with trauma & emotions? Either way I think said therapist is extremely in over their head

Chapter 16 + most of the rest of what I had started for future chapters in that same document

[Not edited but a bit at the end was redacted cause I really didn’t like it. Pretty much all Vanitas angst. Very long but there’s pictures at the end. Asterisks are italics cause I use discord too much; empty brackets means there should be other stuff there]

Vanitas let his brother row the boat, since this excursion had been his dumb idea in the first place and Vanitas had never been particularly confident in his nautical navigation skills. He’d gotten off late from work, and Ventus had worked even later, so the sun was already setting. But they were adults. They could handle a little darkness.

There was a bundle of jitters crawling around in the pit of his stomach, but it wasn’t his own emotion he was feeling. He stared pointedly at Ventus, who was almost a little too focused on rowing. “You’re nervous.” It wasn’t a question.

“Hm?” Ventus looked up in surprise. “Um, maybe.”

Vanitas sighed. “You’re the one who asked me to come, idiot. Why are *you* nervous?”

He shrugged. “I dunno, it’s just... we haven’t hung out in a while.”

“Well, I’m flattered you hate me that much.”

“No!” He pouted at Vanitas indignantly. “You didn’t let me finish! I was thinking we should do something together, so that’s why I suggested this. I’m just...” He frowned. “Having second thoughts. I don’t know why, but I really feel like we should go home.”

“Maybe you should’ve thought of that *before* we reached the play island,” Vanitas said dryly, pointing out the dock only five feet away.

“Oh...” Ventus sighed and hopped out. “Never mind, then.”

Vanitas waited until Ventus dragged the boat into the sand to disembark. There was no way he was getting these shoes wet. He untied the flannel from around his waist and put it on, still unbuttoned for now, over his binder. It was going to be an unseasonably chilly night.

He followed Ventus as he headed towards the other side of the island, chatting as he went. “I can’t believe it’s been so long since we first came to the islands, Vanitas! It feels like it’s only been a few days since you and Kairi showed up.” He linked his hands behind his head as he walked, his eyes widening. “Oh, man, Kairi’s *old* now... Those kids grow up so fast...”

Vanitas rolled his eyes. “*We’re* pushing *thirty*, Ventus.”

“Hey, your thirties are the best years of your life!”

“Not when you’re a hardware store manager and the town librarian. Did Hikari tell you that one?”

“... How’d you guess?”

“Because she’s forty and misses being younger.”

“Aww, no she doesn’t. Mom just wishes we could all be home more often.”

“She sure sees you often enough at work.”

Ventus stopped and shook his head. “Just because it’s a small hospital doesn’t mean we see each other all the time, you know. But we both like working there, so it’s all good.” He turned around and smirked at Vanitas. “Besides, you love your jobs, don’t try to lie to me. Taiyo’s practically your dad, and you’d *live* at the library if you could.”

Vanitas struggled to keep a genuine smile off his face. “Yeah, whatever.”

They emerged on the other beach just as the sun reached the horizon, throwing yellow light across the waves. Vanitas made sure to stand directly in its path, basking in the last warmth of the day. Ventus just squinted and made his way down the beach, waiting for Vanitas to follow, which he did, reluctantly. He asked something he’d been meaning to for a while. “Did you ever figure out how to summon your keyblade?”

“...I’ve never tried.” Ventus put his hands in his pockets, standing in the same place he’d found two displaced kids almost a decade ago. “I’d rather not get involved with... all that if I don’t have to. And if I never summon it, we can never fight and forge the χ - blade, right?”

Vanitas stood next to him, shivering in the chilly breeze. “I suppose so. But you know, Kairi finally managed to summon hers a few weeks ago. She could totally beat you up if she wanted to.” He felt he deserved his smug expression.

Ventus looked at him, shocked. “You taught Kairi how to summon her keyblade?”

“She’s older than we were when we first learned. I wanted her to be able to fight... just in case something happens.” He shivered again.

“You’re too pessimistic. Nothing bad’s going to happen.”

“Well, you never know. I still think you should learn.”

“And I think you should wear more clothes if you’re so cold!” Vanitas yelped as his brother poked his exposed belly button.

“Hey, you can’t hide perfection!”

“Ugh, you’ve been working out again, haven’t you?”

He struck a bit of a pose, showing off his abs. “You know it.” They both giggled uncontrollably at the ridiculousness of it all.

Ventus composed himself and crouched down. “I’m still in pretty good shape. I’ll race you to the secret place!”

Vanitas got ready as well. “Oh, you’re on!”

After counting down together, they took off and sprinted down the beach, Vanitas already trailing behind. There was no way he could win against Ventus without teleporting, so he just let the wind whip across his face and through his hair as he ran, not bothering to push himself. He lost sight of Ventus as he entered the passage to the other side of the island and slowed to a walk.

As Vanitas reached the other beach, he looked around for Ventus, but didn’t see him anywhere. He must have already made it to the secret place. He laughed at the fact that Ventus hadn’t even noticed he was no longer being followed and took a step forward.

His whole body was screaming. He went limp and collapsed, his legs folding underneath him and fingers scrambling desperately for purchase in the sand. His head felt like it was splitting open, fear freezing in his veins. His senses failed, and all he could feel was his heartbeat in his ears and hysterical breaths ripping through his chest. What was happening to him?

Suddenly, it all stopped. He clambered to his feet, breathing hard, as he immediately understood. Ventus. He’d been feeling Ventus. Vanitas had experienced his upset emotions before, but nothing like this. This was sheer and all-consuming terror. Something was extremely wrong.

He summoned his keyblade and bolted for the secret place without a second thought, trailing Unversed behind him. He hadn’t lost control over his Unversed in years, but he had more important things to worry about.

His boots made a regular thumping sound on the packed dirt floor of the passageway, echoing his rapid heartbeat. It was dark, but he’d never had problems seeing without light. One of the few perks of his situation. He chuckled breathlessly at the thought, trying unsuccessfully to suppress his building panic.

He skidded into the secret place, eyes immediately locking on to the body on the floor as his shattered heart leapt into his throat. His brother’s eyes were half open, and he lay in a pool of his own blood, motionless. Vanitas *screamed*.

“*Ventus!*”

“*He’s not dead, you know.*” Vanitas looked away in alarm, searching for the source of the deep voice. It was a hooded figure turned away from him and towards the wooden door at the far side of the room. Vanitas raised his keyblade with trembling hands and growled.

“What did you do to him?”

The figure just laughed and raised a covered arm. Shadows appeared all around Vanitas and peeled themselves away from the ground, growing in size until they towered over him. Long, spindly arms. Crooked and trailing antennae. Unblinking eyes glowing a sickly yellow in the darkness.

Neoshadows.

He froze in terror, holding his keyblade in a defensive position, but the Heartless ignored him and went after the Unversed already filling the room, ripping them apart, tearing them limb from limb and wringing their necks, slowly, purposefully. Their deaths came back to Vanitas in a torrent of searing agony, bringing him to his knees, gasping for air, without so much as a touch.

He dropped his keyblade and it shattered. Seeing him unarmed, the Neoshadows descended on him, wrenching his arms behind him, long, sharp fingers curling around his neck and slicing his skin. Claws ripping into him everywhere, twisting in his wounds and holding him down as his blood dripped to the floor. He tried not to scream again, not wanting to give them the satisfaction of knowing he was suffering, but a distressed sob escaped his throat anyways.

This was torture. The Neoshadows were avoiding serious injuries, instead inflicting pain like he hadn’t felt in years. There was no way this was natural Heartless behavior. They were being controlled by the hooded figure. Vanitas stared at it, utterly petrified. He desperately wanted to fight back, but his body wasn’t responding. He couldn’t even struggle against the Neoshadows’ unrelenting grip. His pathetic fear of them had come back in full force, and he was willing to bet Ventus had the same reaction earlier.

A chill ran down his spine as he thought about it carefully. There was only one person who would know about *that* incident.

“... X-xehanort?”

The figure turned around, but Vanitas couldn’t see into its hood. “*My name is Ansem, but I was once called Xehanort.*” It chuckled, low and malicious. “*It has been such a long time, my dear apprentice.*”

This couldn’t be happening. There was no way this was real. He was safe here, he... he’d *been* safe, he’d been *free*. He’d had a normal life, a family; he’d been... happy. But it was all slipping through his fingers as he watched in misery.

“*Look at you, Vanitas. All grown up and mature...*” One of the Neoshadows ran its hand down his face, leaving a slit through his lip with its trailing claws as it caressed him. It made him feel sick. “*The years have been kind to you without me, have they not?*”

He tried not to hyperventilate. “How did you f-find me?”

“*It is but a simple matter to find one with the mark of the Recusant’s Sigil on their heart.*”

“Th-the recusant’s...?”

Oh.

*Oh no.*

Vanitas had a myriad of scars littered across his skin, both from battle and from cruel discipline, but by far the deepest were a pair of intersecting gashes that spanned the entirety of his back. They had been carefully and painfully carved into his flesh time and time again, and even after a decade they hadn’t faded. He had thought they’d been compelled by thoughtless sadism, but he realized now that they formed a recusant’s sigil, the intersection of which lay directly over his heart.

Xehanort never did anything thoughtlessly. He’d been branding Vanitas, marking him as his... *property*, making certain he’d never be able to slip from his clutches.

Vanitas’ heart sank. The past ten years had been for nothing.

He’d never escaped at all.

The hooded figure drew closer, observing him. Its cold voice permeated the air between them, twisting its way into his ears until he could hear nothing else. “*A being of pure darkness... how utterly fascinating. Surely, leaving you behind was one of the worst mistakes I ever made.*” He felt the Neoshadows tighten their grip on him possessively, and his breath hitched in his throat. ”*But it’s a mistake I intend to correct. It’s finally time to return to my side, Vanitas. Imagine all the great things we could accomplish together.*”

“N-no.”

The figure came to a halt. “*... What was that?*”

Vanitas bared his teeth, ignoring the sting of his split lip and glaring up into the dark hood. “I said *no*!”

The figure waved its arm and the Neoshadows roughly forced his head down until he was bowing, staring at a growing puddle of his own blood. Their claws sunk even deeper into his neck. He had to struggle to stay conscious through the pain and panic, trying to breathe but failing miserably.

The voice was absolutely venomous. “*You misunderstand the situation. I wasn’t giving you a choice, boy.*”

Vanitas felt bitter tears collect in the corners of his eyes. He’d thought he was better than this. He’d thought he had gotten stronger, able to put his past behind him, and yet here he was, practically a child again, forced to his knees in anguish in front of Xehanort and completely helpless. Nothing had changed. He couldn’t protect Ventus, who was still unconscious and bleeding on the floor next to him. He couldn’t even protect himself. There was nothing he could do anymore. Nothing at all.

Tears dropped to the floor, mingling with his blood, swirling in sickening patterns as he watched, his vision blurring. He squeezed his eyes shut, choking out a desperate plea. “P-please... just... d-don’t hurt Ventus anymore... I-I’ll... I’ll do whatever you want.”

“*Excellent. I’m looking forward to it. Your first task is to bring Ventus to the castle in Hollow Bastion and wait for me there. You’ll be supervised by the Neoshadows for now.*” He could hear the cruel smile in the voice as it whispered in his ear, the rest of the world melting away around him. “*Well? What do you say, Vanitas?*”

He felt numb.

“... Yes, Master.”

[]

Riku threw Soul Eater down in frustration. They clenched their hands into fists. “Fight *back!*”

Their knuckles impacted solidly on Vanitas’ cheek, but he just slackened and slid to the floor, hair falling around his face. He made no move to get up. “Riku...”

Riku felt tears pricking at the corners of their eyes and slammed them shut as they kicked Vanitas in the side. “I said fight back, you *idiot*!”

His voice was quiet and strained. “I don’t want to hurt you, Riku.”

“*Then why’d you hurt Kairi?!*” Riku tried to shout, but their voice cracked halfway through.

“I - I didn’t mean...” He swallowed hard and with some difficulty, looking at Riku imploringly. “They already have you and Ventus... I... I couldn’t let them have Kairi, too.”

Riku choked out a laugh. “Nobody ‘has’ me! I’m here because I want to be!”

Vanitas only seemed more distressed. “You’re being manipulated, Riku, we all are! The Master’s grooming you to be his new vessel!”

“*I DON’T CARE!*”

Vanitas was taken aback by the outburst, but Riku just kept yelling.

“I *don’t* care, I don’t!” They were really crying now, tears angrily streaming down their face. “I want to be *strong!* Strong enough to protect myself, and strong enough to protect Ventus and Sora and Kairi! Strong like *you*, Vanitas!”

Vanitas lowered his head. “I... I was never strong.”

“You’re right,” Riku croaked. “You’re *weak*, I see that now. I’m weak too, aren’t I?” They sank to their knees, laughing and weeping bitterly. “Sora and Kairi don’t need me anymore. And I’m not even worthy of my own keyblade. The darkness is all I have left. I’m just like you!”

[]

“They’re both important to me.”

“Remarkable, then, that you’ve managed to lose both of them through your foolish actions.”

Vanitas gave Ansem a hard glare. “I swear, I won’t let you or any of your dumb Heartless lay another finger on Ventus. But Kairi...” He looked at her lifeless body, still crumpled on the floor. His stomach turned. “She’s better off without me, anyways.”

Ansem coolly considered him for a moment, thinking. “Well, Vanitas, you may be a fascinating creature, but frankly, I’ve already got all the data I need. And if you’re refusing to follow orders...” He shook his head in mock disappointment. “Then it seems you’ve outlived your usefulness. However...” He smirked. “I do have an idea for one last test.”

Vanitas scoffed, looking away. “I won’t do it.”

Ansem stepped closer, crushing a Thornbite under his boot and chuckling as he saw Vanitas flinch. There was clear amusement in his voice when he spoke. “Don’t worry, it’s a very simple observational study. It doesn’t even require your active participation.”

He retrieved Soul Eater, pressing the tip against Vanitas’ neck, just carefully enough to avoid drawing blood. Vanitas involuntarily went limp as the sword tilted his head upwards, the sharp blade threatening to dig into the exposed flesh below his chin while his dull yellow eyes met a pair of cold teal ones.

Looking at the unfamiliar expression on that familiar face, he realized he could never fight back, not against Riku’s body. Not against this child who was still precious to him. He was powerless. Just as he had always been.

A foreign, vicious grin spread across Riku’s - Ansem’s - face. “Let’s see how much it takes to *break you.*”

[]

“But you’re a creature of pure darkness. A monster.” She leveled her keyblade at him. “This is where you belong.”

He laughed, but to Aqua’s surprise, it didn’t sound at all the way she remembered it. When they had fought, his laugh had been a taunting sound, hysterical and malicious.

The way he sounded now was... heartbroken.

Instead of raising his keyblade, he dropped it, falling to his knees and slumping over, clutching at his chest. “You’re right, Aqua... Th-this *is* where I belong...”

Aqua let her keyblade lower slightly, confused. She hadn’t been expecting him to agree with her, much less with so much sadness in his voice. “What?”

He laughed again, shuddering violently, then without warning his head drooped and he fell sideways. He hit the sand and went completely still, his breathing slowing.

What in the name of Kingdom Hearts was going on? *Vanitas*, of all people, shows up in the Realm of Darkness, has the gall to act surprised to see *her*, then passes out? She was tempted to just leave him there and go on her merry way, but it had been so long since she’d seen another person (although applying the term ‘person’ to Vanitas was questionable) that she decided to have a look.

She carefully approached, wary that he might be faking it. That certainly seemed like something he would do, pretend to be unconscious until Aqua got close enough for him to execute a surprise attack. But there continued to be no indication that he was awake. She even had to kill a few Unversed that were poking around his body.

Aqua used the toe of her shoe to flip him onto his back. To her shock, the action left behind a horrifyingly large bloodstain in the sand. She took a sharp breath as she knelt down beside him, checking him for wounds as best she could through his thick bodysuit. From up close, the coppery stench of blood was nearly overwhelming.

He was bleeding profusely from a gash on his neck, running vertically from his chin all the way down to the middle of his chest. Aqua’s heart skipped a beat as she found a series of almost methodical cuts across his torso and arms. These weren’t made by the indiscriminately attacking Heartless. He’d been deliberately hurt by somebody, and badly. It was a wonder he was even still alive.

She cast a Curaga without a second thought. He may have been an evil brat, but she wasn’t about to leave him to die.

His breathing evened out and Aqua felt herself relax slightly. She settled back on her heels, wiping the blood off her hands. For a moment, she just sat there, contemplating her sleeping enemy. Although she had said he belonged here, in truth, she had no idea how he’d ended up in the Realm of Darkness, let alone with so many injuries. What had happened since the last time she defeated him?

Vanitas continued to lay quietly inert while Aqua’s curiosity grew. She cautiously placed a hand on his helmet, remembering when she had fought him in... what was the name of that city, again? She had nearly removed his mask before he’d yelled at her and run away. But if he was really out this time...

Taking a deep breath, she gingerly pulled the helmet off, exposing a cascade of messy black hair and, beyond that... a face, wet with tears and blood and marred by bruises and old scars. Aqua’s shoulders fell in surprise. He looked just like those boys she had met here not so long ago: Sora and Ventus, if she remembered their names correctly. Perhaps Vanitas had been telling the truth about being Ventus’ brother. She wondered if they’d ever found each other, and, if they had, whether Ventus had made it out of the encounter alive.

Aqua found herself brushing hair from Vanitas’ forehead in spite of her distaste for him. Aside from too-sharp teeth and a pair of pointy ears sticking out from his tangled hair, he could nearly pass for human. She sighed, her eyebrows furrowing. Had he really just been a child this whole time? A child who did horrible things, but.....

Well, he certainly wasn’t a child anymore. He was still pretty short, but he was unmistakably older than he used to be, probably even older than herself. And if his strange behavior was any indication... *maybe* he’d changed. It seemed unlikely, though, especially if he was still running around as Xehanort’s apprentice.

What had happened to Xehanort? To Terra? Aqua was desperate to find out, and Vanitas could be her only chance. If she could manage to wake him up without him trying to kill her, that is. She looked around for something to restrain him with, but, finding not much more than sand and coconuts, she resorted to using her sash to fasten his hands together behind him. It would most likely end up being useless, but it was better than nothing.

A barrage of freezing water against the bare skin of his face. Hands roughly pulling him upright as he coughed, attempting to clear his lungs. He tried to get away, protect himself, *something,* but he couldn’t move his arms and he panicked. His coughing soon turned to gagging, black bile forcing itself through his throat before he could even think.

The hands quickly drew back while a voice he didn’t recognize cursed loudly. The muck splattered on the ground, writhing in agony as beady red eyes formed within it. A keyblade was on it in an instant, sending a jolt of pain through his chest as the fledgling Unversed was destroyed. “*Light,* Vanitas, what is *wrong* with you?” He couldn’t answer, shaking and gasping as he struggled to calm down and remember what was going on.

The hand reached for him again, and though he tried to flinch away, it caught his shoulder and squeezed firmly. “Hey, relax. I’m not gonna hurt you unless you attack me.” It definitely wasn’t the Master, then.

“H-hurts when the... Unversed are k-killed, though...” The other voice said some more words he wouldn’t dare repeat in front of the kids.

Oh. The kids...

Water dripped down his face as his vision cleared, washing blood and black sludge away with it. He could tell that his hands were tied behind his back, although considering his history with the person he’d run into, who was now sitting in front of him looking perturbed, that seemed fair. “Aqua?”

“Yeah? What?” She narrowed her eyes as though he’d said her name as a challenge.

Vanitas could no longer feel the injuries left by Ansem in his last assault. “Did... did you heal me?”

She sighed, sweeping wet hair out of his face as he shivered. “Don’t take it personally. It’s so lonely down here that I didn’t feel like letting you die, that’s all.”

[]

“You mean...?”

Say it. Get it out in the open. It hurt less that way.

“... Yeah. Xehanort abused me.”

She looked horrified. “For *years?*”

He stared down at his shoes. “Yep...”

Aqua’s face cycled through several shades of upset before settling on disdain. “And is that supposed to make me feel sorry for you?” It was pretty obvious she *was* pitying him, but Vanitas didn’t call her out on it.

“I’m well aware it doesn’t excuse what I did to you.” He locked eyes with her earnestly. “I don’t know if you’ll care, but I’m sorry. *Really.* I was hurt and mislead, but that doesn’t make it right.” He looked down again, curling in on himself. “I can understand if you won’t forgive me.”

After a minute of awkward silence, she huffed and turned away. “Well, you’ve certainly become more mature. I wasn’t expecting to ever get an apology out of you. I... appreciate it, I guess.”

“... You’re welcome?”

They sat quietly for a few moments while Aqua contemplated something. Eventually, she faced him again in concern. “What I still don’t get, though, is what reason you’d have to go back to Xehanort *now.* You seem like you’ve become a semi-decent person, so I doubt you’re in it for the apocalyptic aspect, and he treats you terribly and nearly *killed* you when given the chance, so... why?”

He broke eye contact. “I... didn’t have a choice. He took Ventus, and I...” He took a shaky breath. “I *can’t get away* from him, Aqua. He’s constantly tracking me. He knew where I was this whole time, and he just... let me *think* I was free until he wanted his... f-favorite toy back...”

He could almost feel the weight of the sigil on his back curling around him like a vise.

Aqua’s hard expression finally broke. “Vanitas...” She took a deep breath as well. “For what it’s worth, I... I’m sorry, too. For being rude and calling you a... monster.”

He scoffed. “It’s not like it was unwarranted.”

She shook her head. “Maybe not, but I’m sure it didn’t help. I let my anger get the best of me and I didn’t see you were hurting. So... I’m sorry.”

He felt very small then. “... It’s fine.”

Ch 16 pics I never posted cause spoilers

A bit embarrassing though jfhsghd. I generally don’t post my gratuitously angsty/edgy stuff

Xion intro scene

[Notated for edits which I never made]

She chewed her lip nervously, twisting her hands in the hem of her dress. The lower levels of the castle always put her on edge. People in white coats stared at her expectantly as they all pretended not to hear the scary noises coming from deeper in. The silver-haired man who called himself Ansem but was *not* Ansem asked her about her new friend while the one-eyed guard smirked behind him. She didn’t tell the silver-haired man anything. He sighed.

//add

She sat down in the big chair and worried. The man who was not Ansem hadn’t asked to see her in a while, not since soon after the other Ansem had left and the silver-haired man had taken his name. The new Ansem wasn’t as nice as the old one. He’d sent the one-eyed guard to her house very early this morning, and she hadn’t even gotten a chance to tell her friend that she’d be busy today. He’d be upset. He didn’t like being alone. He was -

He was completely alone. He’d been used to being alone, a long time ago. But it felt so *different* this time. This time, he had known what it was like, to be happy, to actually be loved and wanted. And the stark absence of that almost hurt more than anything else.

Almost.

/*The dark claws ripped him apart slowly, almost reverently,*/ as if watching him suffer in their grip was the most fascinating thing in all the worlds. Maybe it was, to Ansem. The creature may have been calling itself his Master, but it seemed more inclined to research rather than actually teach, and the constant threat to the lives of the others caught in its clutches (and his own *pathetic* cowardice) left him a perfectly cooperative subject for its study. Though he couldn’t imagine what this sort of sadistic exercise was actually supposed to achieve, other than leaving him broken and empty.

Then again, maybe that *was* the point. What /*new and interesting thing*/ would Ansem find when it examined his heart? A battered shell, the already shattered remnants of another torn out and ground to dust until all that was left was a hollow, dark void? It wouldn’t surprise him, honestly. It already felt that way.

A sudden streak of agony shot through him as the claws sunk deeper, and he desperately tried not to scream, choking down his sobs as silently as he could. He’d promised himself that he’d be quiet, because otherwise *Riku* would hear, and then -

Who was Riku? She didn’t know a Riku.

She fidgeted, a bit confused. She could tell she was still laying in the chair, but it felt far smaller than it had previously. Or maybe... *she* had somehow grown much *bigger!* She giggled at the realization. If she showed up to the courtyard like this, she’d nearly be as tall as her friend -

He was a little too small. He almost laughed bitterly at that through the pain. He’d already been unfairly short; now he might even be able to properly share clothes with his closet-raiding (spunky, sassy, precious, perfect, *missing, in danger, better off without him*) sister -

*Vanitas!*

*Kairi...*

She beamed with happiness.

He wept in anguish.

His tears ran down her grinning face as he opened her eyes, and nothing had changed. She was still in that horrible room, in that horrible chair, with the silver-haired man that was and was not Ansem staring at him. She brought a hand up to his cheek, surprised to find it dry, with only the ghost of a smile and a faint memory of sorrow left.

He looked down at her unfamiliar hand, catching a glimpse of her hair out of the corner of his eye, shorter than his but a different color than hers. It... it wasn’t right. None of it was right. He trembled, carefully studying the rest of her. Everything was just a little bit wrong. She wasn’t quite him, but he wasn’t quite her, either. She could feel the panic and confusion bubbling up in his chest.

Who was she?

Who was he?

...Who were *they?*

//add

The awful man who was and was not Ansem smiled coldly at them, and gave them their name.

*...Xion.*

The one single Destiny Islands slice-of-life-ish drabble I started one time

Vanitas huffed into the pillow in his arms and pressed further into the corner where his bed met the wall, as he often did. [] He felt the pressure of several unmanifested Unversed threatening to tear themselves free, the incessant prickling of one escaped Thornbite’s vines curling around his ankle - or wait, maybe his foot was just falling asleep from putting pressure on it weird - and the unmistakable beginnings of a tension headache. Fantastic.

He opened one eye at the sound of his door creaking open (he did *not* tense up, he *didn’t*; he’d have to be an idiot to think there was any need to) and caught sight of a sliver of dim light from the hallway growing briefly and then shrinking back to nothing with a careful click of the door handle. He barely had enough time to process what that had been before there was a gentle tug at the one corner of his sheets that was still hanging off the far side of the bed, a wet sniffle, and a whisper.

“Vanitas?”

“What.” He replied flatly, trying not to be *too* annoyed that Kairi had showed up to interrupt his brooding.

“H-had a bad dream...” Kairi paused to take an unsteady breath, rubbing at her eyes with a blanket she’d dragged there with her. “C-can I..?”

He sighed and turned to face the wall. “Whatever. Not like I’m using that side of the bed anyways.”

Kairi stuttered out her thanks. Then with some effort, she hoisted herself up and onto the bed, pulling her blanket up after her, and situated herself in the empty space. Vanitas laid still, listening to her quiet sniveling as she tried to settle down and also blow her nose.

After a few ineffective minutes of this, he grumbled and pushed his irritation away as a small Flood. (Just to get rid of it. Obviously. Might even lessen his headache, if he got lucky for once.) It zipped straight to Kairi, nosing at her face and making her giggle just the tiniest bit. It flopped down beside her as she scratched the back of its neck and pet it gently, and it started warbling contentedly in a way that *aaaalmost* sounded like purring. Tch. Smug little bastard.

Vanitas was... still not quite used to receiving positive feedback through the link he shared with his Unversed, and the phantom sensation brushing up and down his own spine was bizarre, to say the least. It also felt *really* nice though, unfortunately, and he just barely managed to catch himself before the tension would’ve dropped from his shoulders entirely. Kairi hummed mildly behind him and tickled the underside of the Flood’s jaw, making him scowl even harder into his pillow. He heard a few quiet chuckles find their way through the sniffles. Ok yeah, she knew *exactly* what she was doing.

“So, any particular reason you decided to bother *me* instead of your parents?”

Kairi stilled at that, wrapping her arms around the Flood like it was a stuffed animal. “My dream... it was, um. Of home.” Vanitas peeked back towards her apprehensively, catching sight of her quivering lip and still-runny nose. “Of when we left.”

“Do you... remember it?“

Kairi shook her head. “I forgot after I woke up. It was... s-scary, though...” She squeezed the Flood a little tighter. “You got hurt real bad then, didn’t you?”

He hummed noncommittally in response.

“My grandma, the other kids, everyone...” Fresh tears welled up in her eyes. “Do you think anyone else made it out, or are they all... d-did they...?”

Vanitas looked away. “...I don’t know.” He very nearly caught the inside of his cheek between his teeth. He’d been utterly useless during the attack on Radiant Garden. *Worse* than useless; he’d barely escaped with his own life. And in the end, he hadn’t even really saved Kairi, had he? “...S-sorry...”

[]

“And what have I done to deserve it?”

[]

“Would *anything* be different if I’d just-“

*If I’d just died that day at the graveyard like I was* meant *to?*

“...I-if I’d never made it to the city?”

Interstitial of Sora talking to the folks at Traverse Town about Vani

“Why, if it ain’t Squall” - Leon grimaced but didn’t correct him - “an’ Yuffie. Heard you two beat up some kid earlier?” Cid raised an eyebrow.

Yuffie placed a hand over her heart in mock supplication. “For once, I am innocent.” Then she grinned as she elbowed Leon in the side. “This one was all Leon.”

“Sora here claims to know the...” Leon’s brow furrowed as he looked away. “Uh...”

“The cryptid!” Yuffie helpfully supplied.

This did not seem to help Leon. “...Right, that thing.”

Cid almost looked surprised for a moment, but quickly turned dour, squinting at Sora, who was casually standing with his hands behind his head, entirely lost as to what they were talking about. “Well that’d be one heckuva coincidence. Ya sure about that, kid?”

“Uh. Maybe?” Sora wasn’t sure where this was going, but Leon was looking between him and Cid expectantly, so he continued. “What do they look like?”

Cid chewed thoughtfully on his toothpick. “Black hair, yellow eyes, would be... oh, maybe ‘bout Squall’s age nowadays? An’ always had those weird li’l buggers with the red eyes - not Heartless, but kinda similar.”

“Oh!” Sora started in recognition. “Looked kinda like me?”

“Yeah, picked ‘em up off the street ‘bout ten years back. Real piece a’ work, that one. Darn near took my head off trynna get away after they finally woke up.”

[]

“Got the feelin’ he was expectin’ every hand to hurt instead a’ help. An’ looked to me like he learned that from experience, if y’know what I mean. Not too uncommon for kids ya find on the street, but he was worse off than most I seen.

Welp, that’s about it! Asks are always open but I can’t guarantee I’ll answer them. I also usually don’t respond to comments anymore just cause my fics are so old and hard to think about. Thanks for understanding!

#tmtl #writing #tangled au #unseentale #?#i guess #very very long under the cut #A few years ago my dismayed noise of embarrassment turned into meows #I’m nothing if not on-brand I guess

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angst-and-fajitas · 1 year

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ok im a nerd and im feelin good about my writing SO yall can look at this lil chunk from Porcelain King!!

Glass shattered against the wall and ink sprayed across the stone. Azurifel dragged a hand through his hair, pulling it back from across his face. He sank to the floor where he’d collapsed just the previous night, in the middle of the same mess he’d made, just as stuck and angry and bitter. He’d have to clean up and replace all that ink now as well, but what was one more disaster to add to the mix? His relationship with Icellus was going down in flames, training with Miriae was going to be a waking nightmare from now on, and he would be lucky if Icellus didn’t take him before the whole council at this point. What he’d said to Icellus was the truth—Azurifel refused to have his fate yoked to theirs for eternity, but still, he had to acknowledge his reliance on them for now. Icellus’s knowledge was irreplaceable, and Miriae was an unfortunate accessory.

He was too rash, though. For all his planning, the saboteur Azurifel most had to fear was himself. He sighed, sweeping up several loose sheafs of notes from the floor. He turned one over between his fingers, rereading his own words.

—clear to me that this will require several attempts and countless rewrites, but I’m prepared to work with that. Any satisfactory experiment requires patience and persistence, after all, and to dismantle something this complex and airtight will put all my skill to the test. However, I would never have gotten as far as I have if I were one who preferred to take the easy way out. I wouldn’t have taken Icellus’s offer back when I was a young man, nor would I have made something so perfect as Svyrrsyyd. Perhaps my own innate stubbornness is my real gift. After all, who am I to be resigned?

Was he just too much of a cynic, that all his words always seemed naïve upon a second reading? Azurifel scanned the page again, chewing on a mix of pity and admiration for that version of himself from only a few days ago.

“Easy to say ‘be persistent’ when you haven’t hit the point of failure yet,” he mumbled, but stood again and brushed himself off. “And yet, I had a point. Or at least, part of a point.”

#emma writes #porcelain king #azurifel #sometimes you reread your writing and youre like 'aauughh this is cringe'#and sometimes its like 'YO this is GREAT gimme MORE of this stuff!'#but if you want more you have to write it RIP

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talenlee · 8 months

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Sprint: Four Characters Describe Brother Fratatelli

Know One Stone? No? Well, this might be hard to follow. I’m thinking about how badly the characters in that book are explained visually, how I don’t take opportunities to really go indepth with how characters look. Here then is a test text sample of how each of the major characters in One Stone would describe one of their own, Brother Fratarelli. He’s a priest, he’s nice, and he’s fat.

I am particularly keenly conscious of this last point because rereading the book I kind hammer on the fact he’s fat in some really pointless ways. Rafe in particular refers to his fatness in internal dialogue a lot, and I need to bore into why Rafe would do that.

Anyway, the simple idea I had at first was that of the four characters:

Rafe sees class signifiers

Aderyn sees weaknesses and objectively verifiable surrounding material

Kivis sees emotional boundaries

Fratarelli himself sees anxieties and fears

Here then!

Rafe

The monk – it was monk, right, with the robes that had a hood on them, the brown sack-like fabric and the knotted ties around on it because buttons were unholy according to some weirdo or other – mostly reminded Rafe of a particularly anxious egg. The man – definitely not a boy, not in the same class of thing as Rafe himself, even if the guy carried himself with a nervousness that didn’t feel like those men who asserted themselves on the world – was maybe what, twice Rafe’s age, and fat. Rafe knew enough about fatness to know that there were fat people who liked to be called fat and fat people who didn’t mind being called fat and there were fat people who got mad about being called fat, but Fratarelli was the kind of guy who couldn’t contest being called fat. It wasn’t the fat of the day labourers who lived on beer and boats, all broad shoulders and hard muscle leading down into a body shaped like a barrel all up and down. It was fat, in that when he walked his midsection swayed.

It was weird though because Rafe had seen plenty of fat people but not many fat poor people. Dude was a monk, though, looked right at your face at first. Palms were all soft, had ink under his fingernails. Moved around a lot, which was weird – didn’t fat people sit still a lot? Listened to and talked to people, real talky type. Shiny forehead, big brown eyes, hair going all silvery at the edges and the back. Was he bald or did he shave?

Rafe didn’t trust him, but he didn’t trust anyone who had a place to live.

Aderyn

Francis Fratarelli, aged thirty seven and a half, one hundred sixy seven cims in height and a hundred and forty or so keegs in weight. Priest (ordained) and deacon (mundane operator) of a small church. Almost no capacity to defend himself from the sides or back. Poor spatial awareness and a reliance on cultural positioning to make himself safe from attack in common spaces. Attack from the front probably fruitless; head and torso capable of free movement, and midsection likely to endure a stabbing wound to the stomach. Well connected to a large number of people, a congregation of at least fifty people who would notice if he went missing. Skills include cooking, sewing, boiler maintenance and literacy. Good natured and probably of no threat to anyone between ethical boundaries and unwillingness to do personal harm.

Extremely confusing that this man hired an assassin and bought a murderer, though. That did merit some consideration.

Kivis

It was Francis, alright. The anxious, querulous, nebbish student, who had turned to books to answer ‘why’ and only found a soft voice whispering back ‘why not?’ Francis’ time had been far less gentle to him than it should have been – he wasn’t much older than Kivis but the man still carried himself with the slumped-down beaten-up steps of someone whose job had been killing him for forty years and he was still in his thirties. Prematurely grey, they’d say, but really, if he didn’t live in the shadow of the soot-belching stacks of the city and get such a regular dusting from it, he’d probably have completely white hair. The bowl between his fingers made a soft tappa tappa tappa against the surface of the table while he turned it over and over in his hands, still as he could make it.

It wasn’t like she’d asked the question to invoke this kind of crisis, it was just that when left to his own devices, she felt like Francis would try and find a crisis to happen upon him. There was always that problem when you were overburdened with questions. You got comfortable with them and then something providing an answer wasn’t a resolution, it was stealing one of your pillows. Francis was a man whose fears warred with one another, and who she could trust to do the right thing, when his panic left him no alternative. Ruddy skin and bit-back nails, but still, as always, smiling when he spoke to her.

Where better to be anxious, then anxious with a friend.

Fratarelli

In the thin sliver of metal-tinged glass that rested over the sink the Brother regarded his complexion with a hopeful want that something would be different after all that had entailed. No stigmata nor brand had evinced itself on the pale skin at the top of his forehead, where his hair had escaped, the redness of his cheeks and throat remaining as untouched by beard as it was by creeping veins showing a deep corruption within. Somehow despite having sentenced two men to their death last night, in that frantic study, he could not find any sign of it. The same hazel eyes, sad and weary. The same ashed hair, still remembering a trauma of long ago. The same giant wing-nut ears he was sure everyone noticed and nobody was cruel enough to comment on. The same rounded little short nose, the one that made him look friendly, the one that made him look… soft.

This was the face of a criminal mastermind.

Cold water sloshed over rubbing hands around hard soap that smelled of nothing as much as soapness. He patted down his neck and swiped those hands through his hair, pushing it back down against his sclap where it was thicker, before drawing himself up, drawing in a big breath and considering the spectacle of himself. Was this what death looked like? Was this the person he had been yesterday? Had he always had the thoughtful pout to his lips, had he always opened his mouth one side slightly early because he knew people would notice the missing tooth if he didn’t try to hide it? Could, simply put, anyone tell?

Releasing his breath and letting his belly slop back into place with a defeated sigh, the priest regarded himself once more in his little broken mirror. It seemed to him most unfair. If he had done this and nobody would notice, then it spoke to all sorts of other things people did and nobody around them would notice, too. The joyous shape of him was somehow uninterrupted by the interposition in his life of a dreadful conspiratorial sin in the name of letting poor women control how often they had children. His eyes weren’t even bloodshot, like they often got when he had a good cry.

Maybe Kivis would have some advice about this. Or maybe, just maybe, he’d get distracted making her breakfast, and these thoughts would drip away until he was washing his face tomorrow morning, and he’d do this all again.

Check it out on PRESS.exe to see it with images and links!

#One Stone #Fiction

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born-for-eachother · 2 years

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Just as an aside; I’m on anon for Reasons:

I’m an animator who has a few contacts in Japan (acquaintances) and the general consensus there is that even sequel promises doesn’t make the audience’s reception towards Yashahime better than lukewarm. All demographics are mostly focused on Demon Slayer and Belle (the latter has serious Oscars buzz surrounding it). Sunrise has been asking Takahashi for the rights for some kind of Inuyasha spinoff for years but Takahashi typically is a one and done person who doesn’t like sequels and spinoffs because those require her author input and she does not like to reread or revisit her series after she finishes, preferring to instead immediately jump into the next work she wants to do.

Sunrise has not been very profitable for years and their only major bankable production at the moment is Gundam. Bandai Namco has began taking most of its profits from the properties it licenses to Sunrise (as Sunrise is a studio it partners frequently with) more than ever before. And yet as of March 2020 Bandai wrested control of Gundam from Sunrise and is now its sole owner and its animation licensed to Sunrise, which is sad because Gundam was created by Yoshiyuki Tomino as an original Sunrise production.

This is generally very sad because Sunrise’s issues with quality and ip is now the result of Bandai and other toy companies successfully wearing down Sunrise over the years and gutting it completely. Sunrise was started by animators who defected from Mushi Productions because they wanted to make original animation instead of being stuck animating adaptations of Tezuka manga forever. But animation is expensive and entertainment companies have money, so Bandai Namco essentially turned Sunrise into its adaptation farm just like the original animators from Mushi feared they were. Now all the profits from Love Live and Code Geass and Gintama and others go mostly to Bandai.

Worse still is that now to make up the deficit, they established a bunch of smaller substudios to help them crank out a bunch of anime at the same time in order to turn a bit of profit. But their quality has suffered extremely because of the insane workload, tight schedules, and constant crunch mode. Their previous substudios did not have these issues.

Worse still is that apparently Sunrise hasn’t taken a lot of steps to address casting couch practices and sexual harassment of female seiyuu like other studios have.

Enter Yashahime. This property, as a spinoff, would be entirely out of Bandai’s influence and a respectable amount of profits going to Sunrise. And Takahashi, seeing much lower sales numbers for Mao (which has a small but notable undercurrent of accusations of ripping off Demon Slayer due to its Taisho era setting and yokai vs ayakashi debate), doubtlessly encouraged by her editors and Shonen Jump, agrees to a spinoff in order to boost Mao’s profile.

This is also why her twitter account was set up (she typically does not like engaging with social media) and is run by an assistant. Takahashi herself only answers questions in official SJ q&a sessions.

Personally speaking as an animator, I could tell something was up when that famous “Sunrise smooth” was missing from Yashahime: the animatics and storyboards look fine but the finished cels look cheap, their coloring too artificial, and their tweens too deformed to be called tweens. Very common in rushed animation. I suspect the pandemic is also a very strong contributing factor. A higher reliance on computer generated fx and transitions but poor level of compositing and post supports this.

Hi, anon!! First off, that is so cool! Animation must be a cool field haha. I agree with you on several points, when studios like UFOtable and Sunrise are compared to each other, the latter is just very lacklustre, especially with committing to the canon material of the manga in InuYasha's case. They changed/swapped out several key moments and butchered alot of characters for no reason other than to spark an unpleasant reaction. But with Demon Slayer, the anime is far more faithful to the manga, which I'm sure alot of fans are happy about. The animation is second to none as well. OOF.

Rumiko designed the girls' character designs (Moroha is incredible and I'm forever grateful for her) and drew that horrendous sessrin family cover. She definitely did have a hand in allowing this spinoff to start (though Sumisawa kinda went behind her back) and that gross relationship to flourish despite her earlier statements of "Sesshomaru is hogosha". She may not be directly involved in the social media accounts but she still has to maintain PR. I honestly think she made these choices for clout because exposure = money and that's usually peoples' MO nowadays

#asks #anon #long post

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murasaki-murasame · 3 years

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Thoughts on Higurashi Sotsu Ep8

They see Satoko rolling~~ They hating~~

Anyway, thoughts under the cut.

Not to be petty or anything but it’s getting more and more funny how like half of the fandom is going through the five stages of grief as it becomes increasingly obvious that this literally is meant to be a bridge between Higurashi and Umineko, lol.

I mean sure there’s always the chance that he decided to make a new Higurashi anime as a vehicle to elaborately troll the fans of a different, decade-old VN that was infamously way less popular than Higurashi was, but I think we can all agree that that just feels like coping at this point.

Now I’m just curious to see how many ways they’re gonna find to spell it out for us. We’ve seen Satoko bring up the idea of certainty multiple times while mocking Rika’s reliance on miracles, Featherine is literally a character in Higurashi now who gave Satoko her looping powers, they’ve referenced this new set of loops as a ‘game board’ with ‘pieces’ several times, and now they’ve literally used the word witch. Are we gonna see Satoko come up with the name Lambdadelta to describe her witch persona, like what happened with Rika? Are we going to get a look at Lambda’s character design from Umineko? Who knows at this point. Even after everything that’s happened up to now I didn’t expect them to actually bring up witches, since that doesn’t really fit with Higurashi’s whole Japanese mythology motif. But here we are.

Anyway, in spite of how pleased I am about the show barrelling towards the conclusion I’ve been predicting since like halfway into Gou, I’m definitely in the camp of thinking that Sotsu hasn’t needed to be anywhere near as long as it’s been thus far. I still think that a lot of it is just due to them wanting to cater to new fans as well as old ones, but I feel like even that only really applies to Oniakashi, since that’s the only answer arc thus far that’s actually built upon stuff from the VN answer arcs that Gou didn’t already cover. Wataakashi didn’t actually involve or rely on any material from Meakashi, so I honestly think that new fans could just have easily have figured out the mysteries to that in advance, and Tatariakashi also isn’t really based on any material from the VN. Tataridamashi was already more of an adaptation of Minagoroshi than Tatarigoroshi anyway. So it just feels like everything after Oniakashi could have just been summarized in a montage.

It’s kinda odd, since they have the whole framing device of Eua watching everything unfold, which could have been used more frequently as a way to skim over these arcs and just show the important bits, but we’ve only gotten a few scenes like this. It might have gotten a bit repetitive if they made it too frequent, but it’s also just kinda boring to spend most of each episode going over stuff we’ve already seen.

I think all of that is a genuine issue with the writing, and I doubt anything from this point on will retroactively improve it, but in spite of all that I still like what Ryukishi is trying to do with this series, and how it fits into the franchise as a whole.

I recently went back and reread some stuff from the VN to check it, and I feel like a lot of complaints people have with this series basically boil down to fundamental disagreements with how they view the story vs how Ryukishi himself does. I don’t think it’s wrong for people to disagree with him or see things differently, but still. Specifically, it feels like the whole premise of this series is built upon his afterword for Matsuribayashi where he talks about how that arc doesn’t actually represent the ‘ideal ending’ for Higurashi based on it’s world-view and philosophy, since it ends with Takano being the villain who everyone gangs up to defeat so that everyone except her can get a happy ending. He then poses that the ‘graduating question’ [aka where the title of this new series comes from, lol] is figuring out what the ideal ending would be, if it’s not Matsuribayashi. So in a lot of ways this is Ryukishi’s attempt to go back and fix his perceived mistakes with the VN, and the issue is just that a lot of people don’t think it even needed to be ‘fixed’ in the first place.

I’m not entirely sure how I feel about the sort of idealistic, non-violent philosophy of absolute forgiveness that Ryukishi seems to feel strongly about, but I honestly appreciate just how far he’s willing to go to explore and communicate that message in his writing. I think it takes a lot of courage to go back and re-examine a famous story you wrote from the perspective of ‘the way it ended wasn’t actually perfect, and here’s what would happen if we kept following the characters and saw all the consequences of what happened’.

Ironically, I kinda feel like a lot of this narrative stuff ends up feeling like a somewhat half-baked version of Umineko, since a large part of Umineko was already about revisiting and expanding upon the ideas of forgiveness and abuse from Higurashi, but in a less literal way than what Gou/Sotsu is doing.

Anyway, now that we’re a couple episodes into this arc, I’m getting less confident about how they’re going to wrap this all up by episode 15, if we aren’t getting some kind of unannounced continuation. We’re two episodes into this arc and thus far we’ve basically only covered the first two episodes of Tataridamashi, so unless the pacing picks way up after this, it might take this entire arc just to get through this loop, before even getting to the Nekodamashi stuff.

But on the other hand, I think that after this point in Tataridamashi we don’t really see Satoko again until near the end of it, so if we keep following her perspective, we might just gloss over all the protest stuff with the main crew, and we might be able to get all the way up to the end of this loop in just one more episode.

I dunno if that’d be enough time to set up the descent into self-doubt and regret that they seem to be setting up for Satoko, but there’s a lot they have to get through before this can all wrap up. I’m at least assuming there’ll be a full arc left after we catch up to the cliffhanger from Nekodamashi, anyway.

I don’t think this episode does a whole lot to affect my theory of how this arc will go from Satoko’s perspective, but i’m more unsure now about when she might start to doubt herself and go back on her plans, if she does at all.

The scene at the very end with Eua watching Satoko’s classroom breakdown is kinda interesting, though, since it made it more ambiguous than I expected as to what Satoko was thinking in that scene. On paper you’d just think that she’s continuing her whole charade, but the way that we zoom out and see it from Eua’s more antagonistic and judgmental perspective, and how we see Satoko’s eyes flash red for a split second as she starts freaking out, makes me kinda unsure just how much she was faking it.

Also I just have to admit that seeing Satoko rolling around in the dirt while laughing maniacally was genuinely hilarious, lol. I still think that a lot of this is meant to be morbidly funny in a self-aware way.

#murasaki rambles #higurashi #higurashi sotsu

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worldtriggereview · 3 years

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Chapters 75-77

I always wonder just what Jin sees in this moment. I assume he noticed that Miwa would join Border as a result of this, I wonder if Jin let Miwa hate him here on purpose... Also think it’s interesting that Miwa’s mentally drawing this parallel of Osamu asking him to save Chika to himself with his sister. Either way, looking at that wound, F to Miwa’s sister but her cardiovascular system’s fucked.

See. This line also ties in nicely with the theme of personal responsibility and such, although Miwa is not who I’d expect to tie back into the theme lol. That’s why I’m enjoying this reread, picking up on all these little, subtle things is really nice.

That perspective though!!!!

Literally what was the plan here Osamu lmao

*Crowd goes wild* Here it is!!! Here’s the big Yuma character development moment we’ve all been waiting for!! Yuma would never fight a battle he couldn’t win after getting his black trigger, and yet, here he is acting like Osamu, who’s considered weak and headstrong and has spent this arc and series making risks for very little sometimes, and here’s Yuma acting like him! And it’s Yuma that wins this fight to, by risking it all like Osamu and it’s just! So! Good!!!!

Mini Replica appreciation post

Something something self reliance

Funny how that works out huh

Top ten saddest anime deaths...

#world trigger review

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blodreina-noumou · 4 years

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What's your favorite underrated Murphy moment?

I can only pick one? Impossible! I’ll give you my top 3. In no particular order, because this man is underrated in countless ways!

1 - “Your plan was better, let’s go.”

In 4x01, Emori is scavenging and preparing to flee Polis in the aftermath of the City of Light fiasco. Murphy manages to convince her that they’ll be safe with Skaikru, which is a sweet scene on its own. But my favorite moment of his comes when we see him next.

Polis is tense, on the verge of breaking out into battle, and Skaikru is planning how they’ll keep the peace long enough for Roan to wake up and retake control. Murphy walks up to Bellamy, who’s standing with Indra and Kane. Murphy only needs to hear about thirty seconds of their plan - which includes Bellamy risking his life and offering Azgeda guns, to keep Echo occupied long enough for Abby to save Roan - before he realizes that his assumptions of safety among his people were wrong. Still he plays along for a few moments more, quietly accepts Bellamy’s gun, and goes to pretend to stand post. But in reality, he finds Emori again, and says:

“Remember what I said about being safe with my people? Yeah, your plan was better, let’s go.”

It’s a small moment, but it shows so much about what makes Murphy amazing. He’s a survivor, not because he’s “a cockroach,” but because he’s adaptable, charming, and resourceful. This scene shows that subtly but very clearly. He hears new information, gets his hands on a weapon, and changes his plans in the span of a single scene, without doing much more than staying quiet and assessing the situation - something most other characters in this show really struggle to do.

2 - “Do I get a gun now?”

In 2x03, Bellamy and Finn are leading a team in the woods to find Clarke - a team which includes Murphy, who is pretty fresh off his Total Douchebag phase of s1. Bellamy and Finn are including him in the search party out of a lack of options more than anything else, and Murphy himself is tagging along to avoid the scrutiny of Team Adult, who have recently touched down on Earth. Nobody trusts each other, and Bellamy is still treating Murphy as expendable.

Bellamy barks out orders to his squad, leaving Murphy without an assignment until the very end. Monroe asks what Murphy will do, causing him to quip: “Yeah, do I get a gun now?”

Bellamy snarks, “Something like that.”

The next we see of Murphy, he’s crouched at the base of a tree, tapping two stones together, looking anxious but determined. He manages to lead the Grounder they’ve targeted to a secluded spot, where Bellamy can knock him out.

At this point, although we’ve had the humanizing moment of Murphy telling Raven his story, as they both lay dying on the floor of the dropship, Murphy is still a not-yet-reformed antagonist. He hasn’t taken part in trying to save the girl on the cliff, yet, and we haven’t seen him in contrast to Finn’s later unhinged violence. He’s got a long way to go from “guy who peed on someone who asked for water” to “dashing hero who got the girl and also became a godking.”

Because of that, there are so many wonderful little moments that help transform him in s2, but this scene is one of my favorites. It’s one of the first times we get to see Murphy used as straight-up comic relief, which is something the show will go on to fully embrace about him in the later seasons.

But it’s also one of the first times the characters get to see that Murphy actually can be a team player, and that he will put himself on the line, given the proper circumstances. Murphy has the most reason out of any of them to be afraid of the Grounders, to want nothing to do with them, to protect himself above all else - he was tortured by them, brutally, then used as a biological weapon against his people by them, and then tortured again.

It would’ve been 100% his right to say, “No, go float yourself, I’m not facing these monsters without a gun.” But he’s brave, and far more heroic than he ever gets credit for, especially early on. This aspect of his personality only continues to develop and blossom over the next five seasons, and it’s beautiful to watch.

3 - “Tell me about Harper.”

4x13 is actually one of my all-time favorite episodes. I think it’s one of the few times this show has managed to expertly blend meaningful character moments with a compelling, exciting plot. We get to see so many sides of everyone, and the exchanges between Murphy and Monty are some of the best.

Monty (somewhat rightfully) distrusts and dislikes Murphy at this point, as the only real experience he’s had with him was when Murphy threatened to kill Jasper in early s1. Monty is freshly grieving Jasper, and it’s clear he resents Murphy’s presence. But Monty and Murphy must work together, if any of them stand a chance of surviving - including the two women they each love above anyone else, Harper and Emori, respectively.

The men are struggling to carry back a machine vital to their survival on The Ring. Monty has injured himself by removing his gloves in an effort to recover the machine, causing serious radiation burns on his hands, and he’s in a lot of pain. Despite Monty’s less-than-warm attitude towards him, Murphy does everything he can to support Monty and to distract him from his pain.

The entire exchange is worth rereading, if it’s been a moment for y’all (it had been, for me):

(After forcing his gloves back over his radiation-burned hands, Monty reaches to lift the machine.)

Murphy: Hey, no no no no no, not with your hands, okay? I’ll do it.

Monty: It’s too heavy to carry all the way by yourself. On three. One, two, three!

(They lift the machine together, and Monty screams in agony.)

Murphy: Who knew you were a secret badass?

(Murphy and Monty start carrying the machine together, over the uneven terrain, through the pouring black rain.

Monty screams in pain again. It’s clear each step is excruciating.)

Murphy: Hey hey hey, watch your step. It’s probably a bad idea to drop the thing that’s gonna save our lives, huh?

(Monty is starting to flag, his exhaustion apparent in his face. He keeps grunting and crying out in pain.)

Murphy: Okay, okay - focus on me. Tell me about Harper.

(Monty stares up at Murphy incredulously, swaying on the spot.)

Murphy: You guys seem pretty serious, you uh, tell her you love her yet? If not, I mean, today might be the day.

Monty: I’ve told her.

Murphy (smiles): It’s crazy how it changes you, isn’t it?

Monty then proceeds to pass out. Murphy begs him to stay conscious, but after a few moments, it’s clear that he’s on his own, and that Monty is in serious danger. Murphy has to make a choice, and he makes the right one - he lifts the incredibly heavy, lifesaving machine all on his own, and staggers back to the lab, leaving Monty behind. Fortunately, they’re able to save Monty later, and he says one of my favorite Monty lines:

“You chose the machine!? I may not hate you anymore.”

Monty and Murphy bonded here, over their love for the incredible women in their lives, and over the unfortunate and harsh reality that some things are worth dying for, worth being in pain for, worth sacrificing other people for. This scene shows so much - Murphy’s pragmatism, but also his romantic nature, his reliance on humor as a defense mechanism, and his willingness to do difficult things to survive. It’s peak John Murphy, way back in s4.

My love for him, which had been growing strong since s2, was fully sealed with this scene.

He has many more memorable moments, but this is long enough. Thanks so much for the question! It really helps me write meta when people ask specific things. And I’ve never had the chance to really talk about Murphy!

#asks #doortotomorrow #john murphy #the 100 meta #the 100 #memori #stephspeaks

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goblinconceivable · 3 years

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oh ffs, i have feels but also head exploded

So basically someone liked a story I wrote a million years ago and mostly forgotten about, and when that happens I often reread the thing. (I can’t be the only one who does that...) Can’t say I’ve thought about Alex/Izzie since I wrote it, couldn’t even tell you when I stopped watching the show, though I think it was before her cancer.

Anyway I infected myself with feels for them again. And I dig the style I was using, 1+1 started a third chapter for funsies and should have stopped there. Because I did some reading and watched some clips and it’s all too much and when that happens I meta.

Usual mishmash, structure desired but no work put into achieving it. Classic brain dump.

Okay, fundamentals first. I am for now ignoring how Izzie/KH left the show. Because they had to exit her somehow and I’m sure Shonda was pissed at her, (or was leaving the door open for her return but I doubt it.) Haven’t seen it, if I needed to I could work it into my conception of their whole arc, but since I’m more critically hung up before that point, not worrying about it.

What’s got me messed up is that RIGHT AFTER Izzie promised to not go crazy, she... went crazy. Like, WTF was that about? I get that GA is all about the soapy drama, that is why I stopped watching. First couple seasons: brilliant. Downhill from there. But two things:

1) We never get to see these two happily together. One hot second and bam.*** Every. Time. Shonda allowed it for Meredith and Derek, but in my brain other couples got it for periods of time at the least. But these two, nope. And know what? THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN FASCINATING TO WATCH. I could delve into this and might swing back around but trying to hit highlights.

2) It set them on two different storylines instead of one. And Izzie got the short stick. Yes I can see how it works on paper, but not on screen. There are limits to the visual medium and limits to how much screen time they were given, which pretty much destroy the ability to nuance something this complex.

a) Izzie’s in her own world dealing with a ghost and is basically in two relationships at once (mental note to look for parallels with Alex’s exit and Jo v Izzie.) Except one’s a dream and the other is a reality that is still developing, yet she can’t give attention to. She has to fight every time to be there for Alex in the real world, and we don’t really get to explore her struggle. It often just looks like distraction and distance and him being second right after she firmly laid out that she cares about him.

b) Alex is in a relationship and is super happy and excited and wants the perfection he’s dreamed about to be real so much he’s overlooking everything that’s off. In his own little dream world I guess, but like, the whole thing skews into this being the story of Alex while Izzie is wandering in circles somewhere over in that direction, all serving the purpose of advancing exploration and development of Alex’s character. When did KH ask to be let out? If it was after this point, Shonda svcks. I mean, it is cool to watch him really blossom, but since he’s doing it under his own steam I’m left with a bad taste in my mouth. Because he’s not really in a real relationship. I want to see him get that, I want to see it for real.

***What IS interesting, I’ll admit, is that when they’re not together, they’re beautiful. Which is most of the time, so they gave me that. I’m a massive fan of the bittersweet, the star crossed, the never-quite-on-the-same-page, the nuance, the “it’s a deeper connection, a deeper love than just romance.” Thank gosh, it is time for excited thoughts. Because there is a strong friendship and mutual reliance and helping each other grow, pushing and giving hard truths and encouragement, and yes romance is woven through this but not the genesis and used more in terms of nudging everything along the path.

I love that Alex basically imprints on Izzie. I love that he loves her the whole time. But he’s willing to step back. He may get jealous and resentful and petty and scared and mean. But those are natural human emotions, Izzie gets them too, and they’re fundamental to his character and through those things he learns and grows. Izzie doesn’t make him. She entices him. Yeah, often directs him, especially at first. But at some point he’s growing on his own, in fits and starts, in reaction to his own emotions.

For example, when Izzie tells him she slept with George, he gets pissed, but also admits why pretty readily. And he tells her the truth, remarkably straightforwards. He reaches out to her a lot. And she turns him aside a lot. And he keeps loving. Even if romance is off the table. He runs after her a lot. Sits next to her when she’s upset a lot. Is understanding a lot. He’s different with her, and look I’m a fangirl, it’s a trope, I swallow bait line and hook. Which should be bait hook and line if my vague understanding of fishing is correct. I fished once, with safety implements, and still cried even as they removed the fish and popped it back into the water. (Okay I just reread to sort out where I’d gotten too and it’s hook line and sinker. Statistically someone will probably read this someday, you have my full permission to laugh at me. Anyway...)

The quintessential moment, the revved to 100, of course being when Izzie is clinging to a dead Denny. They’re all standing around. No one even looks surprised with jilted Alex talks to her. In a really caring way. And this is still fairly early on, wasn’t watching anything but their scenes but this had to be rare sight eh? (Mebbe?) And then he picks her up and sits down holding her and she clings and cries and like symbolism and could essay that but not going to right now because the broad relevant stroke is that Alex loves Izzie selflessly. And this is the pinpoint core of why I can buy his ending, because he can’t NOT love Izzie. I don’t think he even wants to stop. Though he can set it down in his heart and let her go and doesn’t pine. But he never stops loving her and it’s so many kinds of love imperfectly yet perfecly forged.

Forged. But also born. Stars uncrossed. I have emotions without words and if I try I’ll never get out of it to move on, so moving on.

(Oh, George telling Alex to talk to Izzie because she won’t talk to him about whatever it was. Isn’t is crazy that Izzie’s emotional squishy bestie goes to the emotionally stunted bad boy to help her because... it’s an understanding of the two-way Izzie/Alex bond, but also this crazy trust that Alex will show up.)

I love that Izzie isn’t blind to his faults, truly doesn’t like his faults, but has eternal faith for who he is and can be. She always saw him as someone with walls, once she stumbled on a lose stone and got a glimpse inside. She knows. She doesn’t always understand, but she knows.

Slight divergence from that line of thought, but its a great moment when they get together and he’s fairly transparently trying to make sure they’re in a committed relationship by dangling other women in front of her, and she’s a little ticked that he seems to be taking it rudely casually. Probably a bit of insecurity, but I’d say more that she has a long history of not reading him from the perspective of him loving her. Ie, 100% not recognizing that telling him about sleeping with George would hurt him. And doesn’t get it until he comes in and he’s dropped the swagger and it’s a “I know I’m doing something wrong and I don’t know how to do it right so help me” thing.

(Random memories of Sloan/Don from The Newsroom when she’s crying on the floor and Don comes in a sits next to her. I wuvs them too.)

I love that she openly leans on him, when he offers support she takes it. She doesn’t ask why, she accepts it and leans into it and is open to it because she trusts him because she knows him. The bits where she hates him tend to fall out of romantic issues, but when that’s removed from the equation they’re in sync. And the thing is, just as caring is fundamental to Alex’s nature, trust is fundamental to Izzie’s. And those two things weave into each other. Kinda like rats and the food button. When Alex reaches out Izzie she honestly accepts it, a “reward.” So he’s comfortable doing it again, and again. And when she does rebuff him he’s seen rewards come out enough that he doesn’t just scatter. And when Izzie trusts him, he rewards her with gentleness and care. She has the rougher time of it overall, because Alex is more screwed up emotionally, and breaks her trust more often than she rebuffs him, but that’s where Alex’s constant love comes in. But I cannot recall enough critical moments to have a cohesive proof, so I could be a little off base.

In my head Alex has always loved Izzie more than Izzie loves him, but I think my memory was unfair. There is a real constancy to Izzie’s affection, though I don’t think she imprinted on Alex as he did on her. She’s a different person, loves differently, has different issues. But my longstanding impression is mostly because of Denny. Who she truly did love, though the qualities of that love deserve exploration which I will not at this time attempt. And Denny loved her. The whole “side loves along the way” being a trope. Though usually “it ended in death/deathlike state” is given to the man and so THANK YOU SHONDA. Thinking of classics like Jane Eyre and Rebecca though I think both were actually crazypants first wives. And I do think female character’s side guys have a habit of dying, but it tends to feel more like a plot point to shut the door on continued love, whereas Denny remains a part of Izzie’s life.

At any rate, despite superficial similarities, Alex doesn’t hit the trope because his crazypants relationship wasn’t ever really about the woman: yep Alex got Rebecca, and Rebecca was crazypants, and it was a plot point to get him to the crying. Rebecca wasn’t love. It was never love. BUT

She DID, in every way, highlight what needed to be highlighted. 1) That he desperately wants a family. 2) that caring for someone, not just about them, is fundamental to him, (and ties neatly into him caring for Izzie all those sitting on the floor conversations.) and c) it’s not entirely healthy. Which is ALSO why thrusting his new happy relationship with Izzie into caregiver role is insensitive and undermines the relationship because it only makes sense if we got to see them both happy in the relationship first. And then we can see the quality of his caregiving change. But we didn’t. So bugger it.

I do LOVE how they let almost the whole next season play out he fallout of all that. Something taken slowly! We got to explore it. Did feel a bit drawn out tbh. But it just emphasizes the weight of it, I guess. Especially as it was a subplot amongst 100 others. This was their development for the season. Which was mostly Alex. But Izzie’s reactions revealed some things about her as well. Majorly dancing around laying it out for a close look and I don’t know why.

Favourite moment? Maybe Izzie putting her hand on Alex’s chest when he’s freaking out and telling him to stop, he doesn’t need to say any more. Because he’s trying to convince her of something, and she understands. And the trying to convince is shredding him, and she knows that. It’s a very loving and accepting “stop.” She’d already taken charge of the situation, for the good of the patient. She’d already taken charge because she knew Alex couldn’t handle it, he was too deep in something to see clearly. And she’s still in charge. She doesn’t break down and cry for him, or try to comfort him, he’s been thrown back into childhood and PTSD might literally be at play and what he needs, and she understands, is someone he can trust, who’s calm and gentle but strong and solid, to say it’s okay. It’s going to be okay. You don’t have to carry this on your own. We have it now. Because when we’re little and in over our heads what we want and what we need is an adult to take the burden. And still the physical contact is comforting, her tone of voice reassuring. She creates a space where he can feel safe and heard.

Ugh, rewatching, and we’re watching him literally devolve. Stages of grief ya’ll. He’s using every tactic to try and get what he thinks he needs: being able to take care of Rebecca. He’s in denial that anything is wrong. He gets angry when Izzie grabs him, to the point of threatening to hit her (though it’s fighting words and not real threat, and Izzie totally knows that.) He dives into bargaining. She’ll be okay if he can take care of her. He can do it. He tries to convince her it’s true.

By the time he gets home it’s depression. Not just Rebecca, but about his mom. And Izzie approaches him differently. In the hospital it was immediate and she was “in charge,” and needed to be in all facets, but at home, with the situation taken care of, she’s a friend. An equal. Which is what he needs right now. His sticking point later is the crying, so I kinda wonder how he’d react just to having told her about taking care of his mom as a kid. Right at the start he told that kid about his dad, (dad beating up his mom and him beating up his dad) while Izzie was within listening distance and didn’t seem fussed. But it’s ultimately a story about him being manly and protecting his mom physically. Which would be why it’s several seasons in before this crops up - waaay more intimate information. Probably all lumped into one, with the crying as shorthand. And mostly that his past is a fact, it’s his emotions he wants to keep private and deny.

He clearly did try to drown his emotions with sex. I’m not sure it would have worked with a random girl because he’s way too close to crying to do much of anything. And obviously doesn’t work with Izzie because sex is apparently emotional intimacy and I guess comfort for men moreso than women, but it plays out as a desperate attempt to get comfort in a safer way. Bargaining again, I suppose. “Have sex and will be fine tomorrow.” But, as noted, he doesn’t get that far because it’s too heavy and he rather quickly is just sobbing.

Which is a lovely parallel to holding Izzie while she cried on him after Denny died. Though Izzie had no qualms and no massive emotional recoil because emotions and vulnerability are normalized for females Izzie is a particularly emotional person. And an inverse of all the times Izzie is an emotional wreck and Alex sits down besides her and offers her support and understanding.

Could also argue that Izzie just saying “I’m sorry... About Rebecca. And your mom” - it’s an emotionally intimate moment. Of understanding. She’s acknowledging the two situations, and isn’t trying to do anything about them, explain or push or anything else. Just make him feel understood and not alone and sex is the way he can respond to that. How to process that in a way that feels manly to him? Also notably Izzie does seem to be going with it, and it’s aborted because he starts sobbing. And is still saying “Please” which is amazing, because he totally was never asking Izzie to just sleep with him. He wants to make it stop - the pain, emotions, probably reliving memories. But also... stages of grief. He needs to feel it, so he can accept it. He really just needs to cry, and grieve, and not be alone.

And it’s like... this is where their love story feels epic because it would look so different if they didn’t have all the levels and layers of love. Take out the romantic/sexual aspect. Take out the friendship. The trust. The family. Take out anything and this can’t play out.

Who didn’t love moments like Alex explaining to Bernedette Peters that men sometimes need to protect their manliness in the eyes of the woman they love. And they’ll do shit things to protect that manliness, but it’s because they care. Which is obviously idiotic and while romantic on screen is very much not so in real life, but this is fiction so hey ho. It’s such a wonderful foil. Because the situation here was not that Alex took his pain elsewhere to protect Izzie’s opinion, but that Alex completely and for a long time shut Izzie out to protect his manliness, which is entirely counterproductive but the only option he could see. He minimizes his experience as a “bad night.” (I mean, if you remove all the adjectives, he’s not wrong.) He’s protecting his own sense of manliness to himself. He doesn’t like feeling that vulnerable. He let Izzie get too close. He’s afraid. It’s all a tangle. And it pays off when they come back together and he’s willing to be more vulnerable, almost, and then enthusiastically, happy to be.

*But it does reference when he slept with Olivia when he failed his boards. So yeah, he’s done it literally too.

Backing up a step to revisit season 5. And actually they start out close. They’re all out in the cold waiting to greet patients and Alex grabs a blanket for her. He’s not irritated that Izzie keeps asking how he’s doing, just obviously in a bit of personal denial. And they’re totally messing around and lighthearted and look at each other with their heads really close and it begs some questions about the interim, though I guess they just haven’t talked about it deeper than “are you okay.” And per the Izzie/Meredith convo I guess they didn’t continue having sex (probably didn’t have sex that night either). Though the way Izzie looks at him as he leaves, she’s totally concerned that he’s not dealing with it.

Ah yes, forgot - so they just kept his breakdown unremarked upon, the superficial checking in is situational because Rebecca is a fact. They don’t talk about it, it’s fine. Pretending it did not happen. But it’s as soon as Alex thinks Izzie told Meredith about it that it goes pear shaped. It’s funny that his issue is the crying and he’s the one that told Meredith, but thematically Izzie saying “he’s opening up to me” is sorta the same. Also awww that even as she labels them friends, there’s this little glow inside her that they got closer. Emotional intimacy, what’s life without it eh?

So also 100% it’s high on Alex’s mind. That he did it, and so too that Izzie could betray him and tell others. Their relationship is so beautifully fragile in that short interim. It’s this little bubble where he’s okay that he was vulnerable with Izzie because she accepted it and isn’t making a big deal about it. And he does feel super close to her. But he can’t take anyone else seeing him in a non-manly light. For himself, and it works in terms of Izzie too if it’s an inside/outside situation. I’m a bit stuck and going in circles. If Izzie tells, then Izzie isn’t taking it seriously? Doesn’t understand him? I don’t think he’s even angry at her, if he looks weak to others then she’ll come to see him as weak? Halp, stuck.

Also so, I’ve seen it remarked upon that Izzie tends to forgive Alex when she maybe shouldn’t. But part of forgiveness can come from understanding the other person. Doesn’t have to be, especially for little stuff. But for big stuff?

Oh, and so weird but kinda cool that right after that rather self-aware conversation with Peters, he specifically lets Izzy see him with another woman. Were those scenes meant to be inverted? Or is he going into this eyes wide open? Trying to prove something? He’s hurting her though, is it intentional? Because cheating, by nature, is secretive, your person doesn’t know so you’re not hurting them directly, though of course when they find out it blows up. But the intention to wound is not there, it’s an escape. Proving that he’s really fine and back to his old self? They are not sleeping together so this isn’t cheating.

And even after that Izzy just shrugged it off. Popped in to tell him they maybe are getting kicked out, tries to get an apartment with him. She’s holding on to their closeness and friendship, despite him being prickly. And then... he smacks her or whatever they were doing which is back to flirty, and not meaningful but notably guides her out of the elevator before him. Though her barb about STD did hit him. Maybe he was trying to figure out how to stop being rude at her, and her continued friendliness was bufffer space until he could? He does say hello at the end, but who was she talking to about having no one?

It does bring up an interesting insight. It is true bout not something I thought about, that Izzie could be lonely, and actually does get as much out of their relationship as Alex ever did. They are incredibly close. And I think George might be married at this point, and thus no longer her “person”?

And then into the cryptic speak about them, while the father/son organ musical chair thing was happening. He’s looking over his shoulder at her, glances up, unspoken words yadda yadda. Follows her out into the hall when she leaves. The freeze out is shorter than I remember, but look, they kinda always keep communicating because freeze outs do not feel right. And I’ve moved to a blow by blow but Alex is trying to talk profession, and Izzie doublespeaks the “emotionally stunted” and he physically recoils and stutters like “yeah but no, that’s not what we’re talking about” and yet is now there and talking about them too. “Okay, ... I”m trying to be- I am, but this” WHAT is he trying to be/is??? Trying to not be emotionally stunted. Is emotionally stunted (or doubling down on trying?)

This is just such a beautiful conversation. Because Izzie IS emotional and caring but she has a mean backhand. Pettiness, ultimatum, she can smack back as hard as anyone smacks her. And she’s coming from a totally reasonable place, because he’s going hot and cold on her. And you can see that it affects him, and that falls out from that same pattern where he’s trying to tell her somehing and she’s not putting in a ton of effort to figure out what he’s saying, but is focused on her own needs and thoughts. ‘Cuz she’s hearing something like “give it up, you’re not going to get what you want out of me.” And he’s trying to say “I’m afraid I can’t be what you need, because I svck, please don’t make me try and fail.”

And they’re convo through parallels continues, Izzie calls Alex broken and is like “okay I do it your way my caring for you is pointless and it’s all fine.” Dad calls for son while kinda dying. I know they claimed different thought process but didn’t Alex call for Izzie when he was shot? And the payout from the series of exchanges: Alex is yelling at his standin to just step up and show he cares. With a hefty does of potential regret. It’s a 180, hoping that the kid does love his day, as well as getting emotionally invested. His relationship with his father isn’t mentioned, not sure if it’s meant to play into this, because he has previously acknowledged that he regrets losing his father completely.

(But then 10 seconds later she’s going to go crazy and by avoiding treatment it’s kinda like trying to kill herself and just... poor taste writers, poor taste.)

Cue a moment where Izzie knows what he’s trying to say and rewards it.

Enter Izzie being a little obtuse, I know I covered this but ending my personal cannon with them getting together - Alex literally says “are we going steady.” He’s literally saying “you tell me yes or no, and I will do that.” Of course he’s trying to say “I don’t know if you’re serious and I want to be please clarify and reassure” but one of those literal ones should have been enough. But then Izzie does always push him, not always intentionally, to be a little more direct, a little more vulnerable, trust her a little more. And the result is sooooo adorable!

And brings to mind when Izzie was trying to ask him out for the first time. And it went a tiny bit screwy and Alex flips it and asks her out.

There’s just so much awesome. *sobs* And there’s probably awesome in the cancer storyline too but I do not feel I can trust it and also it’s going to run full into Izzie being lame and leaving and all character development out the window? And I DO NOT want to see her trying to come back and Alex saying No. Because what will I see in the middle that gets them there? They always say yes. Eventually. And season 16 when JC is leaving the show is a bit on the long side, even if I ignore the details of the intervening years.

Throwing everything at the wall and maybe I’ll be done with dumping or can at least refine things. It’s the little speech I’ve only read and don’t want to hear bcause not sure how he did his line-read, but when he describes how he imagines Izzie’s life. In how much detail, how much he wants for her, what he knows she’s capable of building. He’s saying it to Jo and I’m uncomfortable with the idea he loves her, even if the letter to her does leak a “love you, in love with Izzie,” and I’m fine with Izzie loving Denny and don’t find it a problem Jo is still alive because I don’t see Alex going back but the thing where if he looks her in the eye he won’t return to Izzie and the kids is upsetting. And it’s just the kids and insta-family which is enticing. I mean, he’s not going to tell wife he’s leaving that he’s always loved his ex in a different way or anything. But he’s also not lying. He does mention to Meredith that he can’t go back to Seattle. He’d stay with Jo then out of... ? Halp. The best I got is he’s currently in a dream and if he goes back to his life, where he was happy, then he’ll lose the dream and it will disappear on him?

Slightly nicer is the elsewhere expressed (Meredith) idea that he’d set Izzie as unreachable. Thus, in line with what he told Jo, he didn’t want to contact her because he didn’t want to make it worse for himself, and his happiness comparison was completely excluding himself from the possibility of being part of Izzie’s life. It’s all happiness of them individually, not together. But yes, he always wanted to reach out, wanted to hear her voice and he never had an excuse? No excuse but curiousity, and that wasn’t enough to take a chance, but this was an excuse and he took it.

And the idea that he knows the right thing is to stay in Seattle, and being with Izzie and the kids is crazy, but it’s what makes him happiest, where he belongs. Meredith’s letter read first, so in that light, he’s overexplaining to Jo. Also exposition. References that conversation about his mental picture of Izzie, which I think was in the context of Jo questioning his feelings for Izzie. It scared him because... ? He focuses on the kids. It’s a little at odds with doing this for him, and a little suddenly ignoring the fact that he’s In Love with Izzie and I guess his mental image for Izzie was also his dream life and he gave it to her. Though where he thought her kids came from is possibly an oversight. Adoption?

Because it makes it sound like he’s torn between new and old love but the old love has is kids and wins. It’s a free pass to perfection. But he imagined a “whole life” for her, which is a massive investment opf time and emotional energy on someone he hasn’t seen in forever. I mean thinking well for an ex is al well and good but this sounds a bit beyond that, where she’s not a part of his life but a part of HIS life, believing she’s okay makes everything okay.

I am also willing to take up arms and claim that “I can’t look you in the eye because I wouldt be able to walk away...” doesn’t mean walk away from Jo, but walk away from Izzie. But that’s kinda tenuous. It just... it sounds like if he sees Jo he won’t be able to leave her, which puts her above Izzie (and even the kids, though he can still be in their lives) and that contradicts other statements, or at least their implications .

Though fair point that there’s a metric of who you’ll give up everything for. Izzie would for Denny. In a sense, I hear Meredith got her back in the Seattle hospital and she declined out of respect for Alex’s feelings. So in a way she gave up her life for Alex. And never reached out to him but did respond when he did. She picked up the phone. Maybe not knowing who it was, or they all kept their own phones. And Alex gave it all up for Izzie+kids. I want to know he’d give it all up for Izzie alone, and the life they could have had.

Or is it that he wouldn’t be able to leave Jo because, as noted to Meredith, it’s the right thing to stay in Seattle. And he’s become a man who does the right thing. And sometimes the right thing isn’t what we truly want, and to get that we have to be selfish. He one perfect thing is in Kansas. And it’s the family. It’s a family with Izzie. And his kids. It’s the whole package. If it wasn’t Izzie, the kids wouldn’t be enough? Also indicates that even with Jo was not exactly where he should be.

I’m also going with “some clues in various directions to satisfy various viewers but really offending most of them because this is all 10 years ago and people are newer viewers or forgot or hated Izzie when she left etc.” But preponderance of evidence leans in favour of this choosing what makes him happiest over what makes him happy.

ETA: he has a life for Izzie in his head because if she’s not happy, he can’t leave her where she is. He sees her as an optimist, the opposite of him and good things happen when you lean in that direction. He imagines her somewhere woody because that’s where they lived when they were married.

ETA2: Izzie didn’t notice Alex wanted to be exclusive. Because Izzie sees the good in him, but she doesn’t try to justify or explain things. She takes him at face value (mostly, she knows superficial crabbiness is just an unpleasant personality trait.) Until/unless she has very good evidence to he contrary. And THAT is why he has to take an active role and go to her. He does have to work for the relationship.

(Briefly skipped to a scene in season 6 (avoiding that season) and he actually says “I can’t be your nurse” which is so much character growth. Because I was afraid he’d gone full out into caregiver mode, which is not healthy for either of them. He’s protecting himself, but also pushing her to face up.)

CODAS

Watched Alex calling for/hallucinating Izzie when shot. Maybe it’s a Miranda thing? After freaking out right after she died, about how he can’t live without her, his breakup speech was essentially about how he realized he could survive without her. He doesn’t need her like that. And he was really hurt by the really shitty thing she did, leaving him. Thus valid conclusion that they should part ways and he’s not caught in the love/hate. But at some point after that, per hallucination conversation, he really wants her to... come back for him. To love him enough to not be able to stay away and come back for him it’s funny because the best way for her to love him was the respect his wishes and not come back. I mean she doesn’t even say anything after he asks that.

Interesting point “we married...” It’s a promise. He starts with “I’m sorry.” His breakup speech to her - rehearsed? He’s speaking from love and hate all blended and I think he’s a lot more honest and self aware, and he’s almost always been honest with Izzie. So his dying speech was also fear based? He’s scared, he’s in shock, like, physical shock. To when is his mind taking him? It’s natural to have regrets after a painful but necessary breakup. It’s been months but that’s still recent enough. So on the whole, inconclusive except yeah, he isn’t over her, but he admits during their breakup that he loves her “so much.”

Also love his “frozen together in time... and now we’re not.” They’ve both grown and changed, and so has their relationship, but there connection hasn’t. That hasn’t changed.

So back to his Izzie speech, which is meaningful intentionally as in 300th episode, where years later he was wondering still about her, enough to create a good life for her. A happy, rich and full life. He imagines it clearly and deeply enough to add smell to it. Smell is heavily linked to memory and emotion.

As happy as he is with Jo. Maybe it’s contentment? Something missing for each of them but not something he consciously knows? Meh. Back to frozen. He has an image, a full rich image of her and her life. It’s immersive but static, a snapshot. And the him who looks at that snapshot is the same him over time.

Letter to Meredith. “It’s about me.” Which is sorta back to breakup speech. It was about him, ending the relationship. He didn’t deserve to be left. And this is about him, not leaving Izzie+kids. There’s movement and beauty in this.

Meredith/Alex talking true love. So I’m torn. Jo refused his proposal, and the question is if you only get one true love. Did he think Jo was a true love, and if she refuses him it’s not? Or is he hoping that true love happens after they’re married? Given the constancy of his love for Izzie, from fairly early on, even if he didn’t call it that at the time I’m pretty sure it’s indisputedly much earlier than marriage, and she turned him down all the time, which would forestall true love worse, right? Can’t say as I’m not watching any Jo/Alex, cannot will not no need don’t gotta.

#alex x izzie #grey's anatomy #brain dump #meta #why couldn't i just leave well enough alone #and mess around with a vignette for funsies and a writing exercise #and not actually look at canon #because now i have feels #and am confused #and there are barriers to my feels #but it's okay i will live in my own little AU #and remember and know more than i did #given it was many many many years ago #i mean over 13 #right after season 4 started #izzex

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rucbarthatbowtiesarecooldw · 4 years

Text

Saturday Afternoon Session

Hark All Ye Nations Sustaining Vote – Pres Eyring Beautiful Savior D Todd Christofferson

A thriving society can fail in time if it abandons the principals and virtues it needs to uphold

Trust in God – make Him your highest priority

God: The Devine Author of Human Rights and Human Dignity

Seek to grow in the knowledge of He who created you – or in the knowledge of all that is just and true

Integrity, Responsibility, Compassion, Respect for others, Service, Fidelity in marriage (I missed a couple I think)

Belief in and allegiance to God are important

Those who profess no religion can be and often are good and moral people.

Do not cut the plant from its roots

Reliance on culture and tradition alone is not sufficient

The truth of God points a better way – let it guide your lives

Refers to the core truths:

God lives

He is the Heavenly Father of our Spirits

As a manifestation of His love he gives us commandments

He sent Jesus Christ to suffer for our sins and rise from the dead to bring about the atonement

Jesus Christ doeth not anything save it be for the benefit of the world.

Steven J. Lund – YM President

• His poor son oh goodness

“Are you sure you are strong enough to go to church?” “I’m supposed to pass the sacrament today . . . I see how people look at me when I pass the sacrament. I think it helps them.”

Willingly suffering to serve

The Saviors mission has always been to serve his father by saving the children of men.

Young men and young women do not need to get sick to discover joys and purpose in serving the Savior.

Our youth cannot wait for the world to right itself to find their true identity

Gerritt W. Gong

As saints, we’re invited to change the world for the better

We worship God, the Eternal Father, and His son, Jesus Christ, not Joseph Smith or any other mortal man or women

In 138 nations and counting, BofM in 112 languages

New magazines for everywhere!! For the Strength of youth, the Friend, and the Liahona!!

https://store.churchofjesuschrist.org/magazinesfaq

Heavenly Father invites us everywhere to feel His love

He loves us better and knows us better than we love or know ourselves.

One person. One village. One tree at a time

I the Lord make you free, therefore ye are free indeed.

Great things often begin small but God’s miracles are manifest daily

Go Forth With Faith

Bishop W Christopher Waddell

What am I doing to prepare for what is to come??

The prophets understand the needs to prepare

Devastating things like covid -19 and natural disasters affect everyone with no respect to anything.

God does not expect us to do more than we can do, but He does expect us to do what we can when we can do it. . . The Lord loves effort

Personal Finance for self reliance

https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/bc/content/ldsorg/topics/self-reliance/personal-finances-na-eng.pdf?lang=eng&download=true

Embrace small and simple things – a demonstration of faith that God will supply

The most important step of all is to begin.

Mathew S. Holland – Seventy

He yearned to become extinct, both soul and body (yeah dude me too)

Until he was filled with exquisite joy because of the atonement

Christ does not want us to suffer like He did. That is why He did what He did – He suffered and offers the atonement and repentance to prevent us that pain.

Sometimes, exquisite pain comes not from sins, but honest mistakes, the actions of others, or events beyond our control.

All good gifts come from the Savior

Regardless of the source of pain the ultimate source of relief is the same – Jesus Christ

The process will unfold in his way on his schedule but Christ stands ready to heal every ounce, every aspect of your pain.

Through your sufferings you may be made perfect.

Your particular ashes will become beauties

There shall be no more sorrow or crying or pain

William K Jackson – Seventy

The greatest of all cultures – The Culture of Christ

We need the culture based on the Savior’s teachings

We are here for a reason

Unites rather than divides

There is no prejudice or “us vs them” – we are all “us” and we are all “them”

Women are full and equal partners here and in the world to come – not servants

It is inclusive not exclusive

We can indeed all cherish the best of our individual earthly cultures and heritages, and still be full participants in the oldest culture of all.

(This is great honestly I love it I just want to reread already)

Dieter F. Uchtdorf

Heavenly Father knew this was going to happen.

Even though this pandemic is not what we wanted or expected, God has prepared His children and His church for this time.

We are seeds, and for seeds to reach their potential they must be buried and sprout

God will never forget us – He has something unimaginable in mind for us.

We will do more than simply grit our teeth, hold on, and simply wait for things to return to the old normal. We will move forward, and we will be better as a result.

We all must walk through difficult times and those times will

our heavenly father knows that we suffer and will not abandon us

God will watch over and Shepherd you through these times of uncertainty and fear. . . He will fulfill His promises.

Our best days are ahead of us and not behind us.

The righteous are not given a pass that allows them to avoid the valleys of shadow

You can choose how you prepare and how you react

Return to what matters most

Make decisions based on what you can do

Airplane reference, sometimes clouds with come up or storms or whatever and we will need to get through them

With Christ at the helm things will not only be alright, they will be unimaginable

Focus on the things you can do, and not on the things you cannot.

Things will not only be alright, they will be unimaginable!

God holds us in the palm of His caring and compassionate hand.

How Firm a Foundation

#ldsconf #tumblrstake #general conference #genconf #generalconference #church of jesus christ of latter-day saints

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babypaulchen · 4 years

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babypaulchen’s fanfic recs

Most of these fanfics are shippy, some are gen (no ships). Please feel free to recommend me some fics as well!

Firstly, The Other Side of Midnight is my favorite Rammstein fic! “Till and Paul tell each tales to pass a sleepless night.” Paul and Till share stories about how they fucked Schneider, basically. I really like this one because one of Paul’s stories takes place in Feeling B era and I soak that shit up like a sponge. Plus it’s written beautifully. Like, this is one of those fics that makes me envious it’s so damn good. Read it or else!!!!

Fried Eggs and Honey - “Feeling B are just becoming established, but Paul wants more. He doesn’t know exactly what it is that he wants, though - not until he meets the shy, mysterious Till.” A super cute fic that I read all in one night. It’s written so realistically and casually that you can’t help but feel like you’ve lived the moment. I love fics that actually feel genuine. And Till is adorable. And Paul is so Paul. This fic literally had me punching the bed because they wrote Paul so spot-on. His faults and flaws, when he was young. Read this one. It’s so cute and perfect and the romance is written so realistically and ahhhh

Heroic & Durable by @zigratbites - “Paul has an accident on stage, but decides the show must go on anyway. This leads to some yelling, h/c and kissing.” Another great, wonderful, perfect fic where they capture Paul’s personality well. He’s a dedicated dumbass who will do whatever it takes to get something done well, and this shows in this fic. The side of Chrispaul does not hurt one bit, either. Love this one so much!!!

My Girl. by @till-hammer - “Frau Schneider comes out of her shell, but only for him.” this is Till/Schneider! this fic is SO GOOD I want more like this. exploration of character and gender is a favorite of mine. def recommend this one. love love love it

führe mich, halte mich by @slashs-head-is-fuzzy - “Paul and Christoph impulse fuck after leading each other on with regular cuddling sessions.” LEGIT ONE OF MY FAV FICS AHHHH this fic is for me and naturally I requested Paul topping. I adore how Paul is written, and the smut is sehr gut ahhh

sehnsucht ist so grausam by @lunarcorvid - “As they wrap up the shoot for Du Hast, Till finds himself staring at the pistol that Schneider still has tucked into the back of his pants.” A++++ this is so hot lmao gun play can be so good if written well

Lied der unruhevollen Jugend by @wiener-blut - “After spending some time at a party, Christoph and Paul meander back to Paul’s flat, wasted, to have some more fun.” I LOVE THIS FIC another Feeling B era fic, done by the lovely Lily, for my birthday ;w; It’s so cute and fun and she is always so spot-on when it comes to portraying their personalities. Def read!!

Scent - “Paul is careless; Christoph gets mad.” I love this one. It’s short, but so so sweet. I’m a sucker for fluff. And they wrote them both well, too. It’s so cute ahhhh

You Make Me Perfect by @krispy-posts - No summary, but basically domestic Schneider and Paul being cute before delving into smut. I am sooo weak for the beginning domesticity, and also the mention of chubby WHDT era Paul. I’ve reread this fic so often. I adore it ;o;

Jetzt hab’ ich dich by @wiener-blut - “Attending a sophisticated ball, a particular man catches her eye.” A DRSG ‘98 AU where the reader is attending the ball and Paul approaches and dances with you ahhHHHHH I LOVE THIS ONE IT MAKES ME MELT

ich will eure blicke spuehren by @lunarcorvid - “Till and Richard need to work off some post-show adrenaline when they get back to the hotel room. Richard has an idea involving cigarettes.” I have a thing for smoking and Richard casually lighting up while sitting on Till’s dick is super hot lol

Rock Star - “Till overhears things on the tour bus.” Paul and Schneider flirt, with Till sitting in another room, hearing it. It’s from Till’s perspective. It’s really cute and funny!! Inspired by this pic:

rein, raus - “ Paul could never shut up, especially at the most important of times. Like when fucking with Christoph on a tour bus while their band mates are sleeping.” summary says it all LMAO I think this was the first smutty Rammfic I read and actually enjoyed.

All My Marks On Your Skin - “Paul can’t remember when seeing Schneider’s claim on his skin became such an essential part of his life.” Post-concert fic where they stand in front of a mirror and Schneider touches his bruises! It’s Good™.

the strings that change the faces of men by @slashs-head-is-fuzzy - “Richard initiates something with Ollie. Schneider joins in on the fun. It all remains among friends, of course.” a very nicely written threesome fic!! I adore how Richard is written in this and the smut is EXCELLENT

Fluffy Slippers by @writing-rammstein (go and read all of her fics honestly, they’re all cute and perfect) - “For the prompt: ‘can u hook a gal up with some good ol reader/paul hugging?‘” A request made by me LMAO This is super cute and sweet, I love it so much T__T

Herr Lorenz - “ After an inconsiderate joke, Flake feels insecure. Paul might just have the solution to it.” Feeling B era!! This was one of the first Rammstein fics I ever read…It’s so sweet. I love their friendship so much ahhhhh

Broken Machine by @iinchicore - “This story is set in 1994, during the time Rammstein stayed in Eichwalde to work on the songs for their first record, Herzeleid. The plot mainly focuses on Flake's struggle dealing with his speech disorder.” This one is so relatable and touching. I love this dynamic between Till and Flake and the writing is BEAUTIFUL ackkk please read!!

So seid recht gut auf allen Wegen (So be good in all your journeys) by @prismabird - “Far from home for the first time, Till finds solace from the unfamiliar in the arms of the familiar (based on Till, Richard, and Oli’s first trip to America in 1993).” So far, this fic is REALLY enjoyable to read. I love the element of friendship and reliance on each other. It’s a fun read, albeit sprinkled with some angst. I have laughed a couple times, and I related to Richard’s struggle with language.

Scar Tissue - “While Till and Paul attempt to get on with their lives and repair an alreay damaged relationship, the band are also dealing with their bandmate who is suffering from a serious addiction.” This one is really, very good. I love the TillPaul aspect, but it’s very bittersweet. This fic is so sad, it nearly brought me to tears hhhh

Du riechst so gut - “Paul finds Schneider's scarf while he is cleaning up the hotel-room he's in for the moment. He really had just intended to use it to block out the light but- well, he's not going to complain about what happens instead.” this writing is excellent, and the smut is very enjoyable. I adore any author that includes realism: Schneider’s inexperience and sloppiness in attempting to blow Paul is really appreciated.

Heart of the Matter by @weitweg-vonmir - “Paul received a heart transplant from a stranger that saved his life. Now, a year later, that stranger's lover comes to meet the recipient of the transplant.” man this fic is like a punch to the gut. honestly, I’m seldom ever moved by angst fic, but this one legit made me cry, thinking about how fucked up and sad this whole situation is. you can only feel true sympathy for both sides of this. excellently written A+

Nähe des Geliebten by @naraism - “It's New Year's Day and the boys (Paul and Richard) finally have some free time just for themselves.” so soft and warm throughout it....such nice writing, too. and ugghh TOP PAUL IS MY WEAKNESS overall a really enjoyable fic!!

Together - It has no summary but basically Ollie and Paul go to the stage of where they’re going to perform to get a feel for it, and cute stuff happens. I wish there was more Ollie/Paul out there ),:

Let Me See You Stripped by @wiener-blut - “Post concert, Paul submerges himself in an indulgent fantasy with Schneider.” this one is a bday gift for me and it is SOOOO good lmaooo lily knows what i likes B) good shit

Wir halten uns den Arm (We hold each other by the arm) - “Paul and Richard spend some quality time together.” I found this more cute than sexy. I like how they wrote Paul in this!!

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For the sake of full coverage, I wanted to include my personal favorites of my own works. This is more or less in order from #1 favorite.

Ich Will Eure Hände Sehen - “A six-man group of criminals, lead by Till, operate in early 2000's Berlin. A series of occurrences, both good and bad.” This is my baby lmao it’s been with me since I first joined the fandom, and I really need to finish it. I love the characters sm... prob the most effort I’ve put into any of my fanfics in a long time ♡

Mein Tier - “Frau Schneider keeps to herself, unusually so. Her weekly life consists only of work, and staying at home. Unbeknownst to the people around her, Schneider goes home every day to five loyal dogs. Dogs who are unaware of their state of captivity. Dogs who are not truly dogs, but men with their humanity deteriorated to that of beasts. But they are more than happy to be cared for by their neurotic, loving master.” I’m so fond of this fic; I love all of the characters, and the dynamics. it is so fun to write for!! ♡

Reconnecting - “Paul and Schneider used to have an on-and-off-again sexual relationship when they were younger. Now it's 2017, and something has reignited.” I LOVE this one. Schneider/Paul is my OTP, and this was the one time I shoved all my Feelings for them into a fic. it’s so soft and intimate

Stripping Away the Layers - “It's been a while since their last "session". It seems Schneider has to reteach Paul how to obey. Unlike Till, who has always striven to please him, Paul clings to his pride. Schneider manages to rip it from him. He always does.” THIS ONE IS SO HOT THAT’S ALL HDSFFGL I’m really pleased with how it came out. The spanking part is my FAVORITE love this one...

This Is How This Night Is Going to Go - “Following the hectic evening of being followed around by documenting cameras, Paul and Schneider find some privacy away from the others. Paul doesn't really appreciate what he pulled earlier at the party.” the first smut fic I wrote for Schneider/Paul! I adore how I managed to write Paul in this one. he’s so bold and it’s hot lmao ♡

Red Ribbon - “Taking place in the 19th century, Schneider visits a whorehouse with intention of hiring the services of a male prostitute. It seems there are a few new additions. One in red catches his eye.” I’m mostly really proud of the second chapter... I love the pace of it, and the developing relationship. writing in different time periods is also sooo fun (plus ngl I really love prostitute AUs)

Worth the Risk - “Ollie visits Schneider in the secrecy of the night at a secluded villa where they're currently producing their newest album. He and Schneider make use of their bandmates' absence.” a super indulgent, super kinky Schneider/Ollie fic that I’ve reread multiple times just because I feel like I got it just right; it’s pretty damn hot lol

A Rocky Start - “Paul gets up earlier than Flake, and decides to make them breakfast. Soon enough, Flake joins him with a lovely surprise. Paul was never the best at resisting temptation.” I couldn’t get this idea out of my head while at work, and I’m really pleased that I managed to get it into words just how I envisioned it... so soft and warm and sexy ♡ I love this ship so much and I hope you give it a chance!!

And that’s about it! My greatest recommendation is exploring Rammstein fanfic as a whole, it’s another world of fandom that I feel deserves more recognition. Don’t be shy to test the waters!

#Rammstein #fanfic recs #text #mine #Rammshipping

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