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servetolive · 3 years

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More Cleno babies stuff

This is weird and arbitrary and there's ABO stuff in here that I didn't put in before. I'm just comfort writing at this point. <3

(if you don't know me on twitter, Reno is always a canid/fox and Cloud is always a Shiba inu. Also the first daughter is not included, as her existence is a spoiler for a fic.)

Unlike with their first two girls, this pregnancy had been difficult. Cloud remained ill throughout the entire eight months.

King announced his arrival with painful cramps at increasingly brief intervals. Cloud had been in the kitchen, clutching the counter as he screamed and collapsed. Reno arrived home from work seconds later to find Charisma pulling on Cloud's curled tail, screaming "mama," with a river of fluid leaking from him.

In the hospital, Cloud was pale and clammy. The medication did nothing to calm him. His eyes followed Reno's movement as he took in deep pulls of breath.

Reno, torn between concern and excitement as he pulled a mask over his mouth, took Cloud's hand in the medical den as they waited.

"What's wrong, baby?"

Cloud's throat caved as he swallowed. He was beginning to think that his fertility, combined with his altered genes, might become a death trap for he and any of his future children.

"I'm scared."

"Don't be," Reno said, dismissing any warranted notion of danger to his wife and offspring. He kissed Cloud's damp head. Behind him, his tail wagged so furiously that the nurse nearly tripped over it.

He lapped at the corners of his mouth and breathed across Cloud's wet skin, scenting him gently.

"I got you."

The boy came with about as much ruckus as any son of Reno would. He and his mother were joined in an agonizing scream as his crown of brown hair emerged.

"There he is!" Reno's voice rose above the encouraging words of the medical personnel. His tail and ears stood straight up. "There's my boy. Oh, god, Cloud!"

Cloud's last push was accompanied with a murderous look towards Reno, who was too busy watching his vagina to pay him any mind.

The boy plopped out onto the sheets, spat out fluid, and wailed.

Elated, Reno impatiently held his hands out for the pup, his eyes wide and shining. "Give 'im here, give 'im--"

He was ready to nearly tear the boy out of his mother.

"The umbilical cord, Mr. Strife," the doctor reminded him.

"Oh, shit."

A nurse passed him a blanket. Reno gleefully took the scissors and separated him from his mother. Only when he had the child in his arms, close to him, did he begin to calm down. He turned his back on the rest to get his prize: the first moments with the baby.

"King," Reno whispered into the boy's red ears. "You hear me? I'm your daddy. You're gonna rule the fucking world one day..."

Meanwhile, the nurses tended to the exhausted Cloud, patting him dry and sewing him up. When a nurse whispered "good boy, mom" and squeezed his shoulder, Reno seemed to remember who the true hero was, and turned back to him with the baby.

"And this," he said, placing their first male into the cradle of Cloud'[s arms. "This is your beautiful mama. The strongest man in the whole world..."

Cloud looked down at his wrinkly son and fought back tears. He had no idea where they came from, or why they existed. Furthermore, he had nothing to say.

"Good to see you," he managed.

King couldn't see him. He rooted for Cloud's breast, and once he found it, settled down to drink.

Later on in the evening, Cloud was glad to give Reno his son back so he can rest. Through his hazy, post-birth vision, he watched Reno pull himself out of his shirt, take the baby out of the bassinet and sit with him on the chair across from him. There, Reno held King on his knee and dragged his tongue across the baby's skin and hair, collecting all the remnants of blood and tissue, and spit them out into the biohazard bin next to him.

While he watched his husband bathe his son, Cloud's fear--and annoyance--subsided. For someone who made his living doing Bad Things, Reno's child-like enthusiasm for the birth of a child--his child--was the most endearing thing Cloud had ever seen.

Cloud rested at home with the baby on his chest after the first night, while Reno took Charisma out. They returned with the girl on Reno's hip, a bouquet of flowers in her hand to present to her mother for "giving her a baby brother to pick on," Reno said.

Reno spoiled Charisma, by okaying anything lavish that Cloud insisted on buying for her; sometimes even overriding his wife's frugal suggestions with something twice as expensive. A regular crib that she would only use for a number of months became a pink princess palace with a matching mosquito net, a mechanical rocker, and a mobile with a model of the Planets. Clothes that she would outgrow in weeks were purchased from Midgar's boutiques, even though she never ended up wearing most of them, because she was born in the summer.

But there was nothing quite like how he doted on his son. Nothing was handed down; King got matching tracksuits with his father, a brand new bed with black and gold trim, basketballs, soccer balls, tennis balls, and an organic chew toy for his milk teeth that wouldn't come in for weeks. He handpicked all of his clothing and even went so far as to start cooking Cloud's meals to control the flow of nutrients to his son.

"Want you big and strong... again," he added as an afterthought while he stirred a meat stew, as if Cloud couldn't tell that he was talking to his son--not him.

"I don't like that much meat," Cloud said, holding King in his lap. He adjusted his wedding ring on his finger so that it wouldn't catch on the pup's skin. The diamond was massive when Reno had first bought it for him, but now he had a sapphire and a black diamond added, to represent the two treasures Cloud had given him.

"You gotta have meat, dollface," Reno insisted. "You have an iron deficiency."

He had more than that, but Cloud hated to be reminded.

Next to him, Charisma sat in her brand new high chair, her hair done in blonde pigtails, pounding the table with her airplane-shaped knife and fork. Her canines had come in fully now, and nursing had become almost impossible. Reno placed a bib around her neck that said "#1 Daddy's Girl" (which Cloud had rolled his eyes at.)

"Hoer auf," Cloud said to her with a warning look. He gently placed her hands with the utensils down on her little table. "Stop it."

"Dada, eat!" She said, ignoring her mother. "I hungry."

"I'm coming, mama," Reno said, scooping some of the stew into a bowl. He joined the family at the table, and began with scooping some of it into the small bowl for the baby.

"She's not old enough," Cloud sighed as Reno fanned the chunks of meat. "I told you--"

"Mmmm," Reno said, making a huge deal out of smelling the stew. Charisma copied him.

"Mmmm," she said, once her nose came up from the bowl. Reno laughed and stuck a chunk of meat in the side of his mouth to chew, then placed the mush onto Rizzy's table. She lapped it up with her tongue.

"Use your fork," Cloud scolded.

#cleno #renokura #ff7 #ff7r #final fantasy #cloud strife #reno of the turks #my aunt died today and i this is bringing me great comfort

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faintblueivy · 5 years

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Alphabet of Shikatema

Ah, well, here’s a new Shikatema piece from me! I’ve been wanting to try this for them a while now. Hope you all like it!!!

...

A – Affection

She knows that she’s never been efficient in showing affection. Yells of 'you idiot', punches of concern, and a tongue lashing of worry was all she could offer at times. But somehow he always sees past that, thanks her and tells her, “I’ll try not to repeat that.”

B – Bachelor

It’s unsettling when his photo and profile appears in a magazine in the list of most eligible bachelors in the five great nations. They talk about how he’s a war hero, a genius strategist and the head of prestigious Nara clan. He is very curious about what a particular Suna kunoichi thinks about this.

C – Cloud

Cloud watching was his favourite past time. But when her eyes flick across the vast expanse of blue above dotted with whiteness, she wonders when it became hers too.

D – Daughter

She’s is the daughter of her parents. But Shikamaru chokes on his tea when his mother gushes over how much she would love to have Temari as her daughter, a day too soon after their first meeting.

E – Exception

Temari doesn’t like to provide comfort or sugar-coat things. Well, she’s not very kind to men in general. Her brothers may be exceptions but it’s not soon enough when two other men join the list as well. One of them, she calls him her husband and other is the tiny crying child on her lap.

F – Fear

She understands the source of her fear when the Hokage tells her about Shikamaru's latest mission in a tight voice. And it haunts her till he’s in front of her. Pinned down. But alive.

G – Game

It’s a little weird to see a miniature version of himself, with sparkling green eyes, right across the tiny shoji board. It’s hard to explain the rules of the game to a child but the warmth that swells up in his chest at the scene makes him wonder if this is what his father had felt back then.

H – Hair

He’s exhausted and sleeping. And to be honest, Temari has always been quite curious about his hair. They way he ties it up makes him look like a pineapple head. She tries to imagine how he would look with his hair down though.

I – Idea

Strategies and plans flow to him when he concentrates enough. But when it comes to her, no matter how hard he tries, he has no idea how to even propose for a date on a nearby Ramen stand.

J – Journey

The journey between Suna and Konoha takes approximately three days. But when they travel together, the time ends up way too soon.

K – Kicked

Her loud gasp makes him drop the large sheaf of papers and files. He jumps over the mess, races to the kitchen. The alarm on his face is real when he finds her bending over with an arm over her womb. But she immediately looks up, her eyes shining with unveiled happiness and places his hand on her swollen belly. It takes a moment before Shikamaru’s louder gasp echoes throughout the house.

“He kicked!”

L – Light

The light of the candle flickers in the shrine dedicated to his father. His vision is hazy with tears as he extends the sleeping infant in his arms to show the photo of the man.

“Look dad, he’s…mine. Your grandkid. Mother named him Shikadai. Are you happy there? Cause I sure am.”

M – Mornings

Mornings with him are lazy. But should she be surprised?

N – Nights

There are nights when they find each other on the porch, trembling with the pain of having lost comrades and loved ones in the horrid war. But it makes them move forward solemnly towards the peace to preserve the future.

O – Older

“You know, I’m older than you are.”

Shikamaru tries to deduce where that came from. Her eyes are focused on somewhere beyond the sun they were supposed to be watching roll down. It takes him a moment before he responds.

“I know that. But you’re already too troublesome. I can’t imagine how troublesome would it be to deal with a younger version of yours.”

It is then her lovely laugh rings out in the meadow.

P – Perfection

He has always known that perfection is just an illusion. But when she wakes up in the morning, hair all dishevelled, eyes droopy and the sleeve of the night dress slipping down her shoulder feeding their infant son, it defines perfection for him.

Q – Quarrel

The first time they had a marital quarrel, he was kicked out of the house. And it was also the first time that she stepped out in midnight to drag him back home. It became a ritual somehow.

R – Rain

For having always lived in a desert enclosed land, Temari hadn’t witnessed torrential rain like this. So Shikamaru is stunned when he comes home to find his wife drenched to the bone, still out in the backyard, rainwater pelting against her skin, eyes closed and a genuine smile that spoke millions on her face.

And he swears that it is the most breath-taking sight in the world.

S – Sun

She talks about her mother sometimes, comparing her to the sun, telling him how the woman brightened up everyone’s lives around her and how the love was so much abundant in her heart. And the way her eyes shine as she talks, Shikamaru loves it all.

T – Trust

He trusted her blindly. Because she was the one to have seen him at his weakest, because she was the one to come to his aid and protect him when he needed someone strong.

U – Unforgettable

She watches him pray at his teachers’s gravestone regularly and often gathers up the courage to accompany him. She doesn’t stop him when he smokes only one particular day of the year and offers him her shoulder to cry upon because she understands there will always be some people and their memories in your life who would be unforgettable.

V – Valuable

Due to their position so up high in the social ladder of their respective villages - a lot of council members, socio-political experts and commoners believe their marriage to be just a treaty. And obviously, it irks them. But on their wedding day, the genuine way Gaara smiles and Kakashi's eyes crinkle beneath his mask and their friends tease them, they understand that the people closest to them have always considered their bond much more valuable than that.

W – Wishful

It’s her wishful thinking that he would wear their wedding ring always, if possible. But she never really expects him to wear it around his neck and show it off to the world.

X – Xylographs

Nara clan has a ritual of engraving the name of the head of the clan and their consort on the sacred wood tablets. Shikamaru feels his heart pound in his ears as the artist xylographs her name beside him.

Y – Yes

Her 'Yes' to his 'Will you marry me?' is an awkward kiss to stop him from embarrassing himself further because he’s such a bumbling mess that he eats half of what he wants to say and she had enough of waiting done.

Z – Zenith

Their love was always at it’s zenith. Shikadai knew it. Throughout the one-sided arguments, weird flirting and soft smiles their love stood undaunted. He places a flower between the two graves that stand beside each other and whispers a 'thank you' into the wind.

...

I wanted it to be a little deep and I hope I succeeded in catching glimpses of their life together. Aaaahhh, do share your thoughts me! Please?

#shikatema #shikamaru x temari #shikamaru and temari #shikamaru nara #temari #naruto #shikatema fanfiction #naruto shippuden #boruto naruto next generation

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dwightkschrute · 5 years

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In 2014 and 2015 I did a my year in review kind of thing where I, of course, reviewed it and accompanied it with a picture from that month. I somehow forgot to post 2016 (until now) and forgot to do it at all for 2017 but unfortunately, I am back with a really disappointing year. I was debating not putting myself through the legit pain of “reviewing” this year but I think of how I love going through my 2009-2010 posts and seeing how much I’ve grown so this is for you, successful and cooler future me.

2016 and 2017 were amazing but 2018 was my most promising year. My boyfriend and I were going to move in, I was going to start my dream job; everything was perfect. It definitely started out as one of the best years of my life! Then exactly halfway through the year everything changed and I was left having to pick up the pieces and completely restart, making it one of the worst years of my life.

I started January in Mexico, which was the best, but my family and I got home early in the month. I had quit my job the month before so I dedicated the entirety of this month to job hunting. Our friend (my bf’s bff who became mine and my brother’s bff early on)’s dad got a boat so it was like we got a boat too because despite the cold, we lived on it. (My boyfriend couldn’t go on the trip with us, which he was super bummed about (and that we had to spend like 10 days apart which was killer then), so he was the one to pick us up at the airport and he greeted me with a bouquet of flowers. Out of the many gifts/gestures he gave me, that was one of my favorites.)

February I started my amazing new job so life was back to 40 hour work weeks and not having much time for much else. I was always attached to the hip to my bf so almost every day after work entailed going out with him or having dinner with my family or his. That was my month. My favorite part of every February is Valentine’s Day and this one was as amazing as the rest. I don’t even have enough space (of the allotted space I give myself for each entry at least!) to describe that day. (My bf at our Valentine’s Day dinner. We finished our long day at this restaurant (so, so cool, once popular with Old Hollywood stars) on Hollywood Blvd and it was dreamy and romantic and amazing.) Oh man, I don’t have a lot of interesting things to say about March. Oh, my parents got Influenza (A/B/idk tbh), so it was two weeks of my brother, bf, and I taking care of them. My dad has a serious chronic disease so it was especially dangerous for him so it was a stressful time. Once we weren’t in hazmat suits anymore (no but really, we were gloved and double masked around them and kept them quarantined), I’d be at work or with my bf. I also started to get close with a co-worker, who I quickly became close friends with! (My bf’s two huskies. I’ve just loved that picture since I took it! I’ve never been loved by a dog more than the one in the back of this pic. Not even by my own! He has a special place in my heart.)

April was barbecues at my house or my bf’s, trying every brewery and bar around, hikes, bike rides, beach visits, baseball games, boat rides, late night cooking and baking. It was lots and lots of love and happiness and I would give absolutely anything to go back to those days. (My brother and bf grilling on Easter. This was a familiar scene, I have so many pictures of this exact scenario, yet looking at it just now made me so emotional! Stop! They’re just grilling!) May was so exciting! Very first day I got a new car! I was so happy! It was long overdue because my finicky, expensive Volkswagen had to go and I’d fallen in love with the new Honda Civic (I’ll admit I have basic taste but I don’t care!) so I finally bit the bullet and did it. This month my bf and I, after a long time of “oh wouldn’t it be nice!”, bit the bullet as well and decided to finally get serious about finding a place together. So the apartment search started, but we soon realized our home, Orange County, was super expensive. My bf, in that “ha ha jk but I’m down if you are” way, suggested we pick up and move to Oregon and I immediately agreed. It just felt right and despite us being the most careful and non-spontaneous people ever, we decided to do it! So we began to research, look for apartments but most importantly, jobs. (My car the day I took it home!)

Uhhhhhh, well, June hurts to think about! We went to visit Portland, where we decided we’d want to live because that’s where the jobs were, on a quick trip since it was strictly “business.” Portland was everything I imagined and more. We loved it and I think we loved playing house in our airbnb more than anything about the city. Back in LAX we came to the easy conclusion that though we lived Portland, that’d require a lot and for our first time moving out we’d like to stay close to home and above anything else, we just wanted to live together as soon as possible. We immediately started to look for places in LA, we spent the month apartment hunting, and towards the end of it, decided on one we really liked, one he begged me to please say yes to so we can move in already. I was so, so, so happy this month but what made me happier was seeing my bf, I swear, even happier than me. I seriously felt unstoppable and was beyond excited for our future. (I had a lot of Portland pictures to choose from but my bf and I liked this one because it reminded us of Always Sunny for some reason.)

In July, everything changed. To start, I left my job. I thought, new chapter in my life, new job coming, I’ll live really far, I should leave now. So I did. My last day was an emotional day because I loved my job so much and every single person I worked with. That very same day, my bf and I broke up. For unrelated reasons to my last day, to our moving in, to our relationship, etc. We had an amazing, amazing relationship but he has a lot of demons and issues/insecurities he has to deal with and conquer, and though I was aware and was there for him and would continue to be by his side no matter what, he decided that this was a battle he had to handle by himself and I figure before he got into a more committed situation. It didn’t have to happen, though. I hadn’t talked about the specifics of the breakup on my blog so sorry for changing the mood of the post, but yeah, July happened and it felt like my world stopped. Really regret quitting my job now, huh? I was hit by two huge losses and changes right at the same time. (I took this on my friend’s boat 20 tequila shots in, drunk and sad as fuck. Not to get fake deep but how sad. Literally on a boat, beautiful sunset, would rather die.)

August was a blur and I’m still not convinced I didn’t just dream it. God, alright, here we go, the rest of the year is a mess so get ready. I fell into a deep depression fast. It also didn’t help that my dad had to start getting radiation/infusions for his illness shortly after the breakup. I couldn’t believe how much my life had changed. I started dating someone else and then I dated another guy shortly after. I wanted to replace and/or forget and I really thought that’d be the solution. I was miserable when I was with them. I took absolutely any opportunity to get really drunk or high, and the opportunity came often so I spent most of my days desperately trying to not feel anything. The only time I’d feel okay was when I was extremely high and I couldn’t even think. Since I had a lot of savings for my out of state move, I had a lot of money to blow, which I did. I realized I even liked the feeling of the temporary “high” of spending a lot and receiving the stuff. I’d hang out with any friend who offered (out of boredom? loneliness?) and even ended up on a mess of a Vegas trip. Worst month ever. Maybe. (Here’s a positive! I like that bathing suit and my tiddie looks so round!)

When September came I realized two months had passed and all I had done was be a huge depressed mess. I no joke forgot about work. I just straight up forgot. I started to look for a new job, which hurt me so bad because I had to face the fact that it wouldn’t be my Cool LA Dream Job anymore. I stopped dating. Most importantly, I completely stopped drinking and smoking because it’d almost always make me sadder but also it scared me that I had no self control nor did I care. I saw a whole lot of my close friends and they, along with my immediate family, kept me afloat this month because time felt like it was going so fast. I couldn’t believe that at a blink of an eye it was night again and then a new day. Time had no mercy for me, please let me hold on. (Me at a baseball game. Tbh I’m looking at this thinking, did this really happen?)

October started out nice because my best friend of years, who I unfortunately had a falling out with three years ago, reached out to me. I’ll always give her all of the credit for doing that. I can’t begin to explain what this meant to me. It was a nice, bright shine of light that managed to shine through the dark clouds. Having my best friend is exactly what I needed. I’m a big believer in the universe acting in mysterious ways and though I had grown disappointed in its little surprise for me lately, this was the kind I always appreciate. I spent a good part of that month with her, catching up and doing things just like we did back then. It was like nothing had changed. That’s all I remember about this month, and a super fun Halloween! That day was probably one of the best days in months. (My best friend Rylee and me the first time seeing each other in 3 years. We’ve had our blogs for 8-9 years so please follow her for quality content)

November was rough. I was frustrated because surely things should had been better by then. I was still feeling so low, I was going to job interviews to no avail, I “relapsed” and had a high/drunk off my ass on a boat messy moment.. To make matters worse, I accidentally drove up on a cement divider in a parking lot and my airbags deploy, which is so expensive to fix, so my car was out of commission for a month. Then I got so sick and I rarely ever get a small cold. I seriously felt like I was cursed, even the smallest thing felt like an insult towards me. The one good thing is that since July I had been forcing myself to go to the gym five times a week. My mom said exercising was the only thing that’d help her feel that sweet release of seretonin, endorphins, dopamine, and all that good stuff when she was depressed so, though I enjoyed going to the gym before, I did it just for that reason alone. It worked and as another result I got like pretty fucking fit. Revenge body, you’re one of the few good things in my life right now. (I literally had no idea what to choose so I said fine, here’s a pic of the scene of the crime. Whatever.)

In December I turned 26. Which I hate, naturally. I went to a million more job interviews. I’m seriously so embarrassed to admit that but whatever, it’s the truth. (I have a degree, experience, and an awesome cover letter..I’ll keep blaming the curse!) What kept me sane was that we had different family members visiting from the very beginning of the month. Playing with an energetic, adorable baby kept me distracted and happy. Having so much company around also distracted me (slightly, but it helped!) from the fact that the holidays and my birthday would be quite different now. I’m one of those annoying Christmas lovers, usually at least. This year everything just happened and I didn’t care. But I survived December! (I don’t care. This is the appropriate representation of 2018 and how I feel at the end of it.)

Jesus if you’ve read all of this.. I’m sorry you had to read about the mess of my year but really more like the mess that is ME. Yknow those like “people my age I went to HS with vs me” memes? I seriously went from being that bitch with a good paying job, brand new car, a serious, great relationship with a promising future together (Like. We would color coordinate outfits! LMAO. We would have dinners with both of our families together. We were obsessed with each other. You’d roll your eyes if you saw any of this. I can’t get over how perfect we were, it’s hilarious what happened to us.) and then at the blink of an eye I went to not having absolutely any of that, casually dating (something I’d NEVER done) anyone who resembled my ex and sadly and drunkenly puking off the side of a pier. Who is she? I don’t know, I got whiplash. (Queen of parentheses and side notes, I know. But another thing about me is... I’ve never been affected by people leaving my life. I’m used to it. I’ve never been anywhere as affected as I was when my ex and I broke up. This isn’t normal for me, my ENTJ/Capricorn ass doesn’t know what this feeling is.)

Please curse that has been put on me, release me. Whoever is attacking my voodoo doll, calm down! Please! I’ve gone through enough sadness and loss. If 2019 is even slightly as bad, I’m going to be like that pigeon I reblogged the other day that’s like “fuck this I’m just going to sit here.” I can’t even make a cute but corny, hopeful “hope 2019 is great!” comment. I’m literally begging you...pleading you... I don’t believe in karma but after all of this shit, I better have something much better in stock for me. “Good things are coming!” I fucking hope so. Like, I’ll be even more annoying right now and say that it’s not fair that I didn’t get to have the future I was about to have. I don’t care about any cliche you may have for me. One door closes, everything happens for a reason, God has a plan, etc. No. Why did all of this have to happen? What can be better than the future I was going to have? I felt so unlucky. It all feels like a nightmare and I’m just waiting to feel whole again. Oh shit I got really intense. I know I’ll get over it and life will be good again eventually but for now, I am still so mad. I would have never in a million years guessed this is how my 2018 would go.

So fine, I’ve accepted things now, so now I’m impatient and say please prove me wrong, 2019. I’m THREATENING you to be amazing!

#2018 #OMFG MESSSSS of a year..#and i acted so embarrassingly sigh but that was 2018

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kkamist · 6 years

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tags (ღ˘⌣˘ღ)

ok so ive been tagged in different tags by different people ,,, nd have procrastinated on actually doing them ,, so i decided to compile all of them in one post !!

warning: this will be a v long post ,, read only if u wanna ,, know more abt me i guess (why would u lmAO)

fact tag?? i guess

rules: tag 9 people you want to get to know better and answer the questions

was tagged by maria !! @s0ftminho ♡ඩ⌔ඩ♡

Relationship status: single

Favourite colour: yellow,, peach,, nd black

Top 3 ships: oof idk?? oo nomin probably !!

Lipstick or chapstick: i dont use them :”)

Last song: im listening to gfriend - rough rn!

Last movie: spiderman homecoming hAHHAHA ( i was doing a mini marvel marathon bc my dad had the movies and didnt ! tell ! me ! but i uh stopped there lmao )

Top 3 shows: i dont watch shows often,, but i do rly like knowing brothers, night goblin :”) nd its dangerous outside the blanket! oooo theres also cafe amor that is p cute too !!

Currently reading: ok if manga counts, kimi no todoke nd bnha ,, if not ,, waking gods by sylvain neuvel (but i paused like ,, last yr prob hAHHA)

kpop + music tag!

ok so i was tagged by @01yoonjin to do ,, both of these tags if im not wrong,, and @maetaamong tagged me for the music shuffle tag and @hyuunjins tagged me for the kpop tag thingy aha

music shuffle tag

rules: put all of your phone’s music library – no playlists! – on shuffle. list the first ten songs that play. bold the song(s) that lift your mood and italicise the song(s) that makes you the most emotional. then tag ten people!

mad city - nct 127

campfire - svt

us now - vixx

hold me tight - bts

talk me down - troye sivan

paradise - nct 127

too good - troye sivan

grr 총량의 법칙 - skz

another world - nct 127

blue - troye sivan ft alex hope

kpop tag

rules: answer the questions!

1) 5 favorite groups?

skz

nct

nuest

sf9

2) Top 5 on your bias list? (no particular order)

hyunjin

(lee) chan

(lee) mark

chanhee

jr (jonghyun)

3) Ult Bias group and why you love them?

oof ok i,,, dont know? im not the type to actually Stay ulting a group?? like ill stan then ,,, then,, get into another grp,,, yeah,,,, im not v loyal aa my friends always ask what grps i stan and im liek ,,,,, idk,,,, i stan a Lot,,, (that was a real convo between a new friend i made weeks ago) but i guess,, atm its skz? their music is,, my taste? like the meaning of it nd all,, and uh theyre also v v fun to b with,, there isnt a moment when i dont smile whenever i see one of their vids or during their vlives :”) tbh what i like the most in groups i stan is their humor lmao,,, like if theyre v funny, i automatically love them even more :”))

4) Ult Bias and why you love them?

again,,, idk man,, i dont think i even Ult hAHHA ok but i ,, rlly like bae jinyoung nd chani hHAHHA ok but also ,,,, hyunjin. that boy,,,,, id do anything for him tbh ,, also bjy wasnt even mentioned in 2 but,,, i rlly love him ,, like idk,, i dont stan w1 as much now but ,, whenever i see him im like :-))))) (same goes for chani aa) fiuwe idk y i like them sm tho aa

5) Favorite Kpop Meme

iiiiii dont have any guawdeij

6) Favorite pic of your ult? (I dare you to only pick one)

ok what,,, i dont even know my ult hAHAH

7) 5 Favorite Kpop MVs

dont stop - twice (this is in jap tho,, does it count?)

nuest - daybreak

blooming days - exo cbx

you&me - kisum

go - nct dream

8) 10 Favorite Kpop songs?

vivid - loona/heejin

heart attack - loona/chuu

singing in the rain - loona/jinsoul

scentist - vixx

boss - nct u

rollercoaster - chungha

shine - pentagon

blooming days - exo cbx

trigger - vixx

my valentine - vixx

nd a lot more auief

9) Favorite Kpop crack video?

oof i dont watch crack often-

10) Favorite content creator within the fandom?

all of them!! :”)

11) What fandoms would you say you’re an active member of?

aa atm the sk fandom !! i was q active in the svt fandom in my main blog but i dont make content anymore :-( i do want to b active in other grps (like nct nd sf9 nd mayb nuest) but i dont have enough Commitment to run other blogs at the same time :”)))

12) Take your top 3 biases- fmk

these arent my top 3 but-

F(riendly convo with) - murk leeeee

M - oof tbh id marry seungcheol or mingYU OmG :-)))))))) hes not my bias but ,, hes such husband material tbh ,,,,,,,,

K - lee chan bc he,, keeps Killing me w those looks even when im tryna stan another grp ughrei

13) If you could be best friends with any idol, who would you choose?

chani? or chenle!! for chani ,, we’re q similar nd we both like chicken !!!!!!!!!!!! so yes. for chenle ,, we’re also kinda similar but we def have the same humor ,,, which is always great :^)))))

14) If you could date any idol, who?

hm,,, tbh these days ive been feeling Soft for mark (lee) nd !! also bjy ,,,, ahHa im sorry hyunjin yshvriIHFED

15) What’s one Kpop album you think everyone should have listened to?

vixx - eau de vixx bc nO ONE i know talks abt it :-((((

16) Are you a soft or a hard stan?

swoft??? or medium idK HAHAH

17) An idol that makes you go into soft mode?

100% hyunjin,,, Also bjy.

18) An idol that makes you want to smash the empire state building with one single punch?

o man is also hyunjin aLSO mark lee :-))))))))))

19) Favorite vocalist?

oof hm,, defo seungkwan ,,, seokmin,,, basically svt’s vocal team :-))) oOF reading this again ,, yo haechan???? God tier vocals,,, pls stan nct :-)))

20) Favorite Rapper?

oo ok so i watched high school rapper nd i really like osshun? nd oH bang jaemin :”) aa i need to watch s2 soon jgafiue

in terms of idols, defo 3racha,,, theyre So Good uiahrfiu

21) Favorite dancer?

aAA in terms of girls: cHUNGHA!! for boys its ,, basically all of svt performance team nd,, ten and taeyong- (i like a lot of dancers its hard to choose ifajoiwe)

22) Things you have in common with your ult?

ok i,, dk my ult but ill just do it w the idols i put in in that q - for hyunjin i feel like we ,, both struggle w cooking lmAo nd have troubles waking up early :”) ,, actually now that i think abt it,, were both v quiet nd shy but when u get to know us? were v Loud nd savage (same w bjy nd chani) also again ,, chani likes chicken, i do too so :-)))))))

23) The mot beautiful trait any idol can have?

hm,, confidence? it takes a lot for someone to just go on stage and sing/dance etc,, like i would Never b able to do that- (proven today: had a skit and had a shaky voice the whole time , also laughed alot oops)

24) Songs that will always make you jam along?

vIVID by heejin nd singing in the rain by jinsoul nD ALL THE OTHER LOONA SONGS-

also rock by skz !!!!! nd nd omg rollercoaster by chungha nd,,, scentist by vixx nd many others hAHAH

25) Your worst wrecker?

in skz its ,,,,,,,, ***** :-)) also nomin have been wrecking me these days ,, rip

26) Any kpop concerts you’ve been to?

0 bc my parents wont let me :-(

27) Favorite choreo?

there r too many-

28) Favorite live performance?

also too many- but i do like concert performances where the fans sing along too- like those Hit me in the feels everytime (eg: smile flower - svt!!!) iahfnie (does this even count lmao)

29) Favorite debut mv?

adore u- svt !! (3rd anniv coming up ihHIWU)

30) Recommend a rookie group

skz obv, loona, unb ,, (g)i-dle !!

31) A kpop song you could listen to every day for the rest of your life?

there is a Lot but prob vivid - heejin hAHAH I RLLY LIKE THAT SONG AUWIFHIAU

20 question tag!

rules: answer 20 questions and then tag twenty people you want to get to know better

i was tagged by em !! @realstraykids (´∀｀)♡

name: hazirah (oo name reveal :^))

nickname(s): haz

zodiac sign: scorpio

height: i am smoller than em ,, barely 5 feet :-)))))))))

languages spoken: ok ,, eng, malay, arabic, uuuh tiiiiiny bit of chinese and im now (kind of) self learning korean :^)

nationality: singaporean

favourite season: ok we dont have fall in sg,, but fall !!

favourite flowers: baby’s breath!

favourite scents: the scent of fried chicken :-)) or fresh laundry ,,, also petrol smell :-)

favourite color: i answered above but yellow, peach nd black

favourite animal: shiba inus !!

favourite fictional characters: mmmm kacchan nd aizawa nD TODOROKI IFIAEUR HOW COULD I FORGET HIM O Mg frm bnha !! also baz nd simon frm the book carry on, simon by raindow rowell (one of my fav books tbh) ,,,, also tanaka frm tanaka kun is always listless bc hes goals tbh. ALSO oMg USUI TAKUMI FRM KAICHOU WA MAID SAMA OH MY GODUIHF

coffee, tea, or hot chocolate: ok in cold countries i Always get hot chocolate,, here in sg i always get green tea,, or ice lemon tea sometimes :-)))

average sleeping hours: 5-6

dog or cat person: both but more towards cats tbh

number of blankets you sleep with: 1

dream trip: the world !! or like japan/england ,,

blog established: feb 1 2018

followers: a number :-)

random fact: mmmmmmmm i broke my fast w two of my friends last night nd caught up w each other nd im v happy :-)))))

nd thats the end !! (not really,, theres like 2 slefie tags but i have 0 pics oops) but if you read through all this,, congratulations,, you probably know me more than my classmates :-))))

#tagged #about haz :o #i actually wrote some of these beforehand #so idk how accurate this is hHAHA #also for the bias thing #im bad at explaining/elaborating so descriptions r short nd stuff #i apologise ayugfbuwe

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jamesmcf88 · 3 years

Text

pt 2 - james mcfarlane

NEW — weird song (2016) the reaper, put the beat on hold, bones dug up just like the sunflowers in the snow, now deeper into the river of sight, if you go in that cave dont turn out the light, white light shines bright, no stars tonight, behind the vox stack, their singin heart is black, subwayswhislting over my head, thank god i climbed aboard instead, reap what you sew 4x (coda) Heart is black ive been had (ive been had) ive gone mad (ive gone mad) ths is war, (this is war) i told you all this before i beg you, i want you too, write me back heart is black face the facts, art is black, heart is black face the facts, art is black, oohicant stay, (ooh icant stay) cant go your way, (cant go your way) i felt you sweet smack, Your smoke is black (smoke is black) i beg you, i want you too, write me back heart is black face the facts, art is black, Beautiful face she thinks shes alright, butshes out of sight, swim in for a bite, underneath the white light, thining of fashons, and still looking smashing appealing to fools, out of all kinds of schools, lo frequency base, mixed with the acid taste, no it couldnt compare, to your beautiful face. you left a hole in my chest, a better shot than the rest, do you have five minutes, for a warhol screen test, at dawn i see a star burning not lie the rest, cant help but sit and wonder where its going next 4x cant help but sit and wonder where shes going next 4x Blue Haired BelleBlue Haired Belle, hangs around the gates of hellMorning stars get lost, in the flow of your blue sky locksDon’t despair, you’ve been on a track please take care, Come fly with me, its your blue sky that’s pure dont you see. Its alright You, me , everybody,we, see, only moonbeams,comets not so high,eathquakes in the sky,lalalight n short in hight and , nananight and it’s alright,lalalight n short in hight and , nananight and it’s alright, You light the way, through tunnels, try not the scrape, the gunnels,on the right a cave in sight, it’s alright not this timeon the right a cave in sight, it’s alright not this timelalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala lalalalaooooaaaaooooaaaaaooooooooooaaaaooooaaaaaooooooooooaaaaooooaaaaaooooooooooaaaaooooaaaaaoooooo Main Street When you called me up hereIdidnt feel like walkin, Now your sayin to me,youdidnt feel like talkinwhy are we so clumsy,so clumsy with our breadnow you tell me honey, how you keep your stomach fed, always lending yourself out, to the freaks that dot our lives,honey when you gunna shout, at those drones in out beehive,take a walk uptown, to the bucket where they drown,gunna tell them when they get out,to get theiur handouts downtown MorningAt the dawn of a new age,Sun comes up, smell the burning sage,take a step foreward, turn the pagesay goodbye to all those dark dark days, MAking a brew I stare a the fire,stir the pot, and then connect the wires,turn on the amp, the music inspires,got to free my mind from all the cheats and all the liars. Morningdrone You, you know what I mean, when isay,that nothings gunna happen today,and you, you know what imean,wheni tell you it’s just not my scene, you, yeees you, what the hell are we gunnado?and you, the only one you listen to, is a man, by the name of, Lou. We, yeees us three, could make it at a defferentpace,I, know that, it’s a discrace, Lord, take us to another place, So grab your stuff, your record albums,you take the wine, and ill take the guns, and into the ocean, we will go, cause you know, were headed, for the coast,so raise up your glasses, for a toast,ha, which one of us can drink the most,the father, theson, or the holy ghost,and you say that this car can race,but can it take us to that other place, a different side of mother natures face. take me to another place. Nothing drones honey comes from lots of work, sticky feet moving berserkpatterns form in crude beauty, drones fulfill a pointless duty, honey drips, from the hive, golden jkelly feeds their wife, pretty flowers messy home, nothing drones on like the cone, back and forth, in and out, dancing like we use our mouths,the pay is small and so are you, results of that sweetens my tooth, the task is never ending, constantly descending, dripping in the mouths of those not worth defending. Oppenheimer park Rolling down the open road, to the end of the line,end of the world, end of the illusion of time,I go down to the water, and feel the cool surf,hear music in the air and take it for what it’s worth, cant understand why people, could live on so little,when so much goes through them, and through the needle, so hasty, with the selling of their saved souls,the western downtown is bright, blunt, and bold. Walk up and down throughout the day, out of your mind,think of your home nevermore, till the end of timethe loop drones on and on like a broken clock,don’t need to climb the montain, cause your at the top Hastngs is not coming for you, your coming for it,like hell it bewccons like the incline of a pit,the east side, sits a nd people come from near and far,to sit, and sink, into the grass, in oppenheimer park oracle so your torched,your hanging by a thread,don’t scorch, your pretty little head,wishing through your lips that it worntpass,feels like your turning from a liquid to a gas, take a trip right to the edge of your mind, consciousness poured out and left behind,take a break from all the flats and all the sharpd,ride a cloud of nothing, and numb your broken heart To thew edge of your mind, distortion blurrs the line bettweenwhats out there and whats inside, deep in the cave, breath in the cold air,see shadows on the wall,… stare bring news just like homing pigeon,come down, and start a new religion, leave now, and speak out, littereally or metephorical,the knowledge you posess will make you the oracle. Pipe Dream A science experiment gone totally wronga weather balloon with some kind of evil about it,all the kids at school could see it above the horizon,my friends and i knew we’d be better off without it, king kong, walked along high street, where the freaks and thugs call home,if he could reach this floating disaster on time,he knew he would never have to die alone,hethough about it and realised the people wouldntunderstandhe knew their alien nation would turn this ape into a man, darkened minds turn on a dime, revolve in time along thin white linesyin and yang drip from a wolfs fang, one pulls the trigger the other goes band why can we get to the meaningof this philosophy of feeling, how do we break the silence of the checkerboard of violence. Darkened fool has lots of toolsd, dead at the deep end of the pool, boring times and pouring rhyme, the question, is this really mine? why can we get to the meaningof this philosophy of feeling, how do we break the silence of the checkerboard of violence. Psych em out Psychem out like rabid vermin, make em shout a phony sermon,see right through their simple game,right to their core their thoughts of shame, watchem blow upon the fire, rocks explode right on the liar, social change brings end to war, housewife trembles on the floor,backwardsforewards, up and downvoisc encircle all aorund, observeprecieve hear see know learn mirror be, identify possible flaws, of the menace with no causethe time is now, so try to learn how to bend the rules they use to keep you down. Rabbit hole Salvage you mind while it is illuminated, a fire out of control,a cabbage in ttime, right now it is fumigated, wired and housing a soul,badhabbits in line, schedualed to be terminated, inspire you out of your hole, A rabbit , redefined and underrated but higher than ever before, drink up while the tea is hot and bright blue, the flesh of the gods makes it so,3 caps and some stems is all i can do, to see shooting stars upon the snow, think sweetly of me, with emotions so true as yu stand and look through the window,think of thinkgs to do when im gone for good now, waving at the bus watching it go, Im down in the southland, with deep curving valleys and bridges all rusty and crumbling, with grasses all dying and rivers of green and subways whistling under me. a spot on the corner , a 30 dollar gutar, a case and a cigarette too, is all that i need to get usedd to my home and bring my mind closer to you. The last of this song, is all out of place, but the pace rings true to the rule, of the verses before i shut tight the door on the patterns lost and misconstrewen,becauseits all backwards and forewards like this, its in shambles but its not a ruin,the end of this 4 verse song has arrived, to the point you might not clue in. Sea of lights Rockj and rave, through the night,on speed in a sea of lights,jump spin contort thrust,black white pain lust,spent a week there last might, maybe more,steal yourself a holy death crouching by the door cause we all live in sin but it makes music sound new, go out on a limb, and let the world surround you, we rave through the atonal thrusts and the booms,tonight the flowers of evil are in full bloom, Standing there all in white, she sings in the spotlight, in darkness and style, we strum all the whilestanding all in black behind the vox stack, from behind sunglasses, we inspire the masses, cause we all live in sin but it makes music sound new, go out on a limb, and let the world surround you, we rave through the atonal thrusts and the booms,tonight the flowers of evil are in full bloom, Walk and talk it through the park,whiplashgirlchild in the darkrun run run, take a drag shoot your speed while you brag i’ve been orchestrating behind sunglasses,immitatingprodogy, and writer, man, tomboy and a throusand fans zeppelin spotlights on my brain exploding plastic in my veinhypnotyic tones as the propellers drone,mind bending sounds, resonate undreground, dak circles never weed, new york 1963, Chcmysic, velvet freak desensitize alter tweak, no money car moon or sun, sell your blood for heroin,if she ever comes now now, moe beat on that drum now now,pink perfume, mantra neumes silk screen factory tunes superstar test only the best wine coffee speed heroin rest,darkcircl;es never weep, new yourk 1963,theyve been up for weeks, in the white light the tweak, in 63 Skeleton Here we are again, moneys all been spent, you don’t know where hesbeen,hes trying to fend off things that dwell within, hes a skeleton. at the end of days hes been here before he says, narrow in mannyways,hes a skeleton,andidont know where hesgoin, or why he thinks itssnowin, he can see the wind thatsblowin, hes a skeleton, Spotlight Reap what you sew,snakes and poppys in her hair,sun flowers in the snow,make you look like your not so old,it had been so long i could not recall her face,she came outside to meet me though iwas’t her case,nowi sit and wonder if I’m out of place,the memories i had of her, are in outer space Standing all in white, she sings in the spotlight, in darkness and style, we strum all the while,on the odd days I could talk to her,harmony and dissonence, a modern venus in furs,up and down that hallway, rotating the earth,waiting there for hours and hours, for her the quench my thirst. Sweet grass summertime,see the star shine, and i don’t mind revisiting those times,although my mind is blown, i play the drone,saying goodbye while you’re getting stoned. Vicious lips oooooo what to do,iwanna see you too,i think imgoin mad, ooooim not that sad noooi wonder sometimes where you are,what moon what planet under what star,id like to think your not that far, but we both know that trip was hard your vicious lips, eard on the airwaves, waking the dead, from their graves,your sweet, but your toxic, been three weeks since you dropped itI found it in my pocket, your trains comin I cant stop it You Made Me the reaper, put the beat on hold, turns to dust when they turn to dope,promises, he couldntkeep,to save a life, only three feet deep,you’re my catalyst, myonliness, decemberbaby,im the creep you made me,you’re my catalyst, myonliness, decemberbaby,im the creep you made me,the reaper, put the beat on hold, turns to dust when they turn to dope,promises, he couldntkeep,to save a life, only three feet deep,you’re my catalyst, myonliness, decemberbaby,im the creep you made me, Come Back Around JAMES MCFARLANE·FRIDAY, MAY 13, 201610 Reads The process as a whole is always a learning experience like no other. Ultimately, like the brain has a recognition and physical atribute that corresponds with most chemicals in nature (possibly even synthetic chemicals) the psychological functions that a person can aquire are almostordaned and recieved in a timely fashion by the organ and im assuming the subconscious effortlessly and for evolutionary purpose. So I will assume everyones own, (however existential), growth experience is interesting. Having the atribute of spiking and deminishing of at least two of the brains most important chemicals related to experience, and behavior… and the awareness of the (most obvious to you) potential for not only chemical related occurances and their ripple effect, but the behavioral methods that the acute brain, manic brain, almost has a natural function to excercise and use usually either for a better survival or further expansion into astonishing existential and soon to be investigated parapsychological, social behaviors that tend to stick as long as they serve in a new type evolutionary (ie “Counter intuative”, productive and humanistic beavior that the mind eagerly draws in like an antennae recieving and storing up valueable energy. Setting this agenda and also surviving the early episodes, of bipolar, (which are usually the most drastic) are two hurdles to get over, let alone the crude, almost sickening archetectural features in our community hospitals, thats purpose cannot be desguised as heathcare to the human eye. A grossly overused assortment of bondage equipment and isolation chambers (not to mention your absence of any dignifying articles of clothing( also to be moved and set in place on occasion) nowadays plate glass walls, a whole dungeon setup designed by those people involved no less, who really probably care wheather the colour they chose or how their design would function better than the decaying sweat soaked ultimately in our home towns case, my favorite case, dried blood stained, apparenty approved for use by some dr, a single hallway, to alk up and down seemingly endlessly, untill not suprisedby the inevitable dread code white, that is the delight for the predominantly, …listen t me… dominated, by your average practicing as ferociously as they can with as little effort as possible, sociopath and more importantly to re ognise, violent violators psychopaths, who pretymch have the real pl working there stressin over what could possibly be these ppls capabilities, and are alienated inside by this evil thay cannot risk their ,,, virtully anything valuable, like a job or who knows, omg… thats why she left,,,,, so, yaa, these ppl rise like cream, annnnnd they have a really good time eeeehm, .. now nurse practitioners or legends, thir former dominator look like theyve aged, well lets say i was convinced they had beeen using prolongued use on heavy stimulents, like crack. iloldrewaout a blueprint with symboldsfr the patient advocate, neaysi mostly wantd to write and its alot of shit thats gone no doubt as home with ,,,lets say u know like fat cat. what, i was 15, and he was fat then, now hes the last one standing up there that i know of. oh yea… so i would say if u want out, and as of late i thing the design is perfect for the right ppl, socios included, fuckers, but, the dr, they are jst as careless as the security guards who cant hide haw stupid the really are and the odd couple who are revealing that their ok, still, idicovered, ,, maybe not in north bay, but in a proper community, like the city, ………..lost my train,,,, i think that i was getting at how just to be fair and …eyea 50 percent of the staff endowd with the ability to weildstrapps, and are encouraged by their no doubt under educated superiors, to always have the wrist ready to be broken if, now this brings me back,,,, they chokeyou, than comes the bondage that betty page would think is very unatractive, idk,,, the thing is,,, ya the drs, oh waut,, ok…. 1/3 of all of them are,,,, exculding the drs, and the janitors, who if ihaventdiscosedya are always there to pile up on a code white, and i know,, listen to me, no janitor ive met would grab my ass so hard on such a numerous a pile up, i have eyes in theback f my head,,,,,,, italalot,,,,,,, ppl that work so hard tp climb so not that far up the ladder in society, yes, sum of them are costume rocking witchcrftprodiges, who, will, 1 take the whole bunch of guys .. it may have been the forensic unit,,, this little thing is known by ,ppl, ive talked to about the psych who are inderectyl told by their others who work it, and ave stories about the oddity of us. iduno,, alot went down, but,, boring s yea she walks me throught e bysantine conduit iup to the floor, and the police have to walk somewhere behind to uncuff me and ta da, , y o iwanna bring up corporeal action when the best times,,, due to the conditios of bondage uuuuuuuuuuh were strictly through plate glass,,,,, ie. rare appearenced that are pretty much the only way. i really was bloody fucking thirsty 8percent and i mea ya,, when i was younngti chewed up braaaaan and drank my watttaaeer, and drew peace sighnsandd 7 days laterrrrr, after she sumhow managed to get an earbud into my head screaming for any colour you like by pink floyd, and playd the fungsonhggg, badassss. straight jacket. prolly day 4,,,,, i still think cough syrop is good for teenagerswhatver,,m took me to the top. ok… to get offf, the ward do as such; by Ultimately drawin on to no apparent end in crayons complete with nicotine gum (smokes,, the only freedom, not yet a right, that is so hard to get,,,,, and i learned to smoke in side the scarborough general hospitol,,, that room soon became the chamber, i would be locked in, for manny weeks, at different times,, thats where alot also hapened, is where the nude bondage asianfemaldr, ..whati mean i s theatwwhatwuldlou reed say… they never forgave us for nagasaki.,,, newaysive never spent more time in a i also a what appears to be and have bben told by assdocter of the north bay pstychwhi took to court at the hospitol and he got yelled at by a panel while my dad defended him and i ate cookies cus ii was really manic,,,, i also was 15 1/2… he later let me try and commit suicide,, thats a story of a different colour,, sounds like sprockets, idk,, idontwafe war with very real religiossympomatic shat, iuuuuuhm , so,,,, hereswahat krb8tujvcklwelbutrin.,,, ya, it istaken orally it shoul get right to work in three ad a half weeks, if suicidal,,,,, pray, oooir if u cant get dxedrine,, or sum speed beane drink a bottle of childrensgeapecoughsyrup once a day,,,, this acts as a seritonin reuptake inhibitor of a differrentcolour. 2 to 4 hours,,,iu get the mental stimulation,, it reall is a mellow buzz butttttyupppidecare fuck cough syrop…… dexedrineisnt out there and i know it couould really bbe used and they aslso do,, ie. jfk, addisons disease, dexedrine/anphetamine. so,, it will make y0ur 90 year old great aunt we all frogot about over in blind river get up from the abyss of alzheimers and dementia and sing thins is the day that the lord hath made,, ,but with real and concious interaction,,, without memory of course. however,,, she does that,,, did that anyway , but,,, im sure every month not every day,, at least one trial of … iuffingadhd adults can take it,,, why cant she. smeared into the grate of every window and the classy bubble rooom which actually was made with enough pride according to the regionnsid say, to have an even more, almost funny, and certainly battered scratched and spat on bubble for the head psychiatrist t poke his head into every few days. Lets not froget how that scene ended. like my father and grandfather before me who conditioned and alterred the correctiona institutions for fifty fife years now a conmfortablevacatin for psychopaths and whoever, not even the hole could stand up to point blank restraints naked, with your flimsy gown around your chest. at least in the bubble room there was lots of privacy, u know, to each institution their own, glass , bubble blood stained, probably 60 years of ppl that somehow said something that attracted the attention of their nurse, who no doubt vollynteered after printing your file which is most likely epic thick, there is no room for any of their creative stylings in that no, i did just smash the wall into pieces and ya all the insulatin is everywhere, high five and respect from my cute transference mistress, (and a couple others.)

0 notes

the-elf-mahat · 6 years

Text

Solace

(( A sort of sequel/”one year later” companion piece to Solstice, the first IC story I posted on this blog. A lot has changed since then, for both me and Mahat, almost all of it for the better. We’ve both been moving from just surviving to actually living life, and it’s a rough journey sometimes, but having friends along for the ride makes all the difference. Special shout-out to @coldwall-collective, all you nerds are my family and I love you and you’re gonna have to live with that. Thank you also to all of you who have taken the time to get to know ‘Hat in game, or to read the stories here on Tumblr. It means so, so much to me. I hope you all have a beautiful and bright New Year. ))

-music-

It was the longest night of the year, and Mahat wasn't alone.

They made their way up the mountainside together, the three of them—two dark-sighted elves helping along a small, half-human child when the path grew rocky and steep. Their progress was much slower than the last time she had come this way by herself, but Mahat didn't feel the need to rush a single moment of it. She kept looking back over her shoulder and smiling at her two most beloved: the tall elven man, lean and strong, long white hair dripping over his shoulders like moonlight while silvery stubble did nothing to hide the crooked grin on his face, and the little girl holding his hand, bouncing and bubbly even at that late hour, her dark curls as abundant as her eager questions.

“Are we a'most there? Have you ever been 'ere, Mister Jaoyn? I en't gone cuz Mum said I were too small an' couldn't make the climb but I'm a really good climber now, see? I kin almos' do it all by m'self! What kind o' tree is that? D'you like countin' stars, Mister Jaoyn?” Her sweet, fluting voice flowed around and over Jaoyn's softly amused answers, as easily as a creek over stones, darting from one subject to the next with barely a pause for breath.

Eventually, the terrain leveled out, before dipping them into the small, deep bowl of a clearing. There was a lake at the center, black and gleaming like obsidian under the night sky, while the rest of the crevice was lush with mountain grasses and moss, sheltered from the winds by the high rock walls. The trio unrolled a thick wool blanket onto the ground and curled up together, Saera in the middle while Jaoyn and Mahat framed her like parentheses.

They lay like that for a long time, watching the stars drift by above them, telling each other stories about the things they saw in the sky. Jaoyn gave his rendition of a Tarauhe legend about how the moon fell in love with a white stag, and Mahat recited an ancient tale about a sky goddess that no one else in the world would ever remember. Saera, meanwhile, regaled the adults with the exciting adventures of her stuffed rabbit Ham and her rag doll Paedru, as they set out to steal a star for their very own and ended up jousting with an ill-tempered dragon and answering riddles set for them by a harpy queen, before finally succeeding in their quest and coming home just in time for a crucial tea party.

“Saera...” Mahat said cautiously, as the story drew to its close. “I 'ave a question fer ye.”

Sensing in her mother's tone that this would be a Very Important Grown-Up Question, the girl immediately sat up straight and folded her hands in her lap, nodding solemnly, her grey eyes wide with interest. Mahat covered her mouth briefly to hide a smile, before collecting herself once more.

“I know ye an' Jaoyn is still getting' 'quainted wi' each other, but I reckon ye two is on th' way ta bein' good friends, eh?” Identical eager nods from the man and the child greeted her statement, and she almost lost her composure to laughter again. “Aye, an' I feel th' same abou' th' both o' ye. Matter o' fact, I love both o' ye ver' much.” She took a breath to steady herself, hoping against all evidence to the contrary that this, all of this, was the right thing to do. “I asked Jaoyn ta marry me. Wha' d'ye think abou' tha'?”

Saera's expression crumpled in sorrow and Mahat felt her heart seize in her chest. “But he's no' my da!”

“Oh, love—nay, nay, 'e en't but--” Mahat reached out to her daughter without thinking and plunged onwards, trying to ignore the churning in her gut and the stricken look on Jaoyn's face. “But I swear, 'e loves ye an' me both, jes' as much as yer da e'er did. I bloody—I miss yer da like crazy, ev'ry damn day an' I know ye do too. But ye know… y'know 'e wouldn' want us t' stay sad an' lonely f'ever, eh?” Her voice softened as Saera's lips quivered and her eyes swam with held-back tears. “There, love… 's all righ'… nobody's fergettin' yer da, or replacin' 'im… there's more'n enou' love in my 'eart fer ye an' him an' Jaoyn too, an' I reckon… if ye look, ye'll find there's more'n enou' in yers too. Ye didn't stop lovin' Ham jes' cuz Jaoyn gave ye Paedru, eh?” The child sniffled heavily and shook her head. “Aye, 'course no', e'en though ye love Paedru too, jes' as much. It'll be like tha'. Ye'll always 'ave yer da wi' ye, watchin' o'er ye, bein' a part o' ye. Ye won't lose 'im—neither o' us will, I promise. We's jes' lucky, ye an' I, cuz we found one more person we kin love, who loves us.”

Saera wavered, looking hopeful but still hesitant. Jaoyn spoke up then, hastening to soothe the child even through his own worry and mild horror at her reaction to the news. “Miss Saera, everything your mother says is true. Your father… I never met him, but it's clear he loved you and your mother very, very much. I would never—I would hate for you to think I wanted to steal him from you, in some way. All I want is for you and your mother to be happy and safe… and to be there to make sure of it.” His odd, gentle formality seemed to sway the little girl, and she nodded slowly.

“I think—you're nice, Mister Jaoyn. I don't think you would do mean things or try an' steal my da. I think Mum loves you a lot an' Ham an' Paedru both like you and think you're funny.” Saera gained some confidence as she spoke, though she was still a bit unsteady and the tears in her eyes hadn't entirely vanished. “Um. I would like it ver' much if you married my mum. But if you en't my da then wha' is ye?” Her brow furrowed in deep concern.

“Whatever you'd like me to be, Miss Saera… an uncle perhaps… or simply Jaoyn,” the man replied, meeting her gaze with equal gravity.

“I have a uncle a'ready,” she said dismissively, before brightening suddenly, the tips of her half-elven ears flicking up to peep through her mass of curls. “Oh! You can be my an'da.” She used the Darnassian word for “father” blithely and firmly, as though that settled the matter. Jaoyn and Mahat exchanged a brief look of desperate relief—was it really just that simple?--before the girl spoke up again. “Does tha' mean we kin live t'gether, Mum? Like we used ta? Like a, a family?” She was nearly breathless with excitement all of a sudden, her eyes gleaming in the night almost as brightly as a true Kaldorei's.

Mahat felt the back of her throat drop out and her insides plummeting into endless void. “N-nay… nay, lass. No' yet. It en't safe--” Her voice was dry as the dust of a tomb as she watched the shining hope in her daughter's face twist itself into despair and then an instant later, furious anger.

“Why no’?!” Saera shrieked, eyes welling with tears once again. “Ye said—you said—he loves us! He wants to keep us safe, an', an' happy! We should be happy an' we should be together! It en't fair!” The child's howl of grief echoed off the canyon walls, cutting into Mahat deeper than most knives she'd felt.

“It en't, it en't, y'right love...” Mahat mumbled, trying to keep from cracking to pieces while her daughter needed help, needed her to be strong. “There's nothin' 'bout this tha's fair, an' ye kin be angry, ye 'ave ev'ry right t' be angry, at—at th' world, at me—I's sorry, I's so damn sorry, I's doin' ev'rythin' I kin--” Her voice cracked on a harsh sob just as strong arms settled around her shoulders and pulled her in close.

“It's all right, my love,” Jaoyn murmured in her ear, holding her tightly as she clutched at his shirt and struggled to calm her erratic breathing. It was only a moment, but it was enough, the kiss he pressed to her forehead centering her, making the world swim back into focus. She squeezed his hand gratefully and glanced at Saera, who seemed about an inch and a half away from total meltdown herself, only momentarily stalled as her rage vied with concern for her clearly stricken mother.

Jaoyn nodded in understanding, and gently released Mahat, turning his focus to Saera. “Indeed, it's all right to be angry, Miss Saera. Sometimes it's even good to be angry, because it helps us fight against the bad things. But sometimes you get angry and there's no bad things around to fight, so you know what I do then?” he asked conspiratorially, drawing a suspicious yet curious headshake from the girl. “I fight a tree.”

Saera let out a stifled little giggle, and Jaoyn widened his eyes and waggled his ears in exaggerated emphasis. “It's true! Them barky sorts have to be taught a lesson, always lookin' down on us shorter folks. I go out and give 'em a proper beatdown, even though they try to fight back by puttin' all their splintery bits in my knuckles.” He offered her his hand, rife with the callouses and scars of millenia, a stark, massive contrast to her tiny, soft palms. “In fact, I think I spy an aspen gettin' all snobbish on the other side of the lake. Come help me show it what's what?”

The child nodded eagerly, getting to her feet and scrubbing the moisture from her eyes. Hand in hand, they headed off to fight the trees, Jaoyn shooting Mahat a soft, encouraging smile over his shoulder as they went.

Mahat couldn't help but smile in return, drawing her knees to her chest and hugging them tight as she watched the two figures recede into the distance. “I do no' deserve tha' man...” she whispered wryly to her knees, her panic ebbing away as her heartbeat slowed to a normal pace—until it was sent spiking by a too-familiar voice in her head.

“Damn righ' ye don't.”

“Fuck off,” Mahat growled, shoulders slumping in exhaustion. She didn't need this too. Not tonight.

“Ye always need me. 'Specially t'night. Wha' th' fuck is ye thinkin'? Playin' houses like a damn schoolgirl? Ye know 'ow this story ends, 'ow it always ends.”

“It don't always 'ave t' end th' same.”

“Sure it does, an' ye know it. Ye's on'y lyin' ta y'self by pretendin' diff'rent.”

“Sometimes lies become th' truth when they's believed in hard enou',” Mahat murmured, weary but still defiant. “Ye weren' born wha' ye is. Ye made y'self—ye lied t' yerself abou' wha' ye was 'til it became true. I kin do th' same.”

There was a bark of cruel laughter in her mind. “Ye think ye kin lie yer way inta bein' a good person? Fool y'self inta bein' a lover, bein' a fuckin' mother? Y'stupider'n I thought. Tha' kinda shite's beyond us.”

“Beyond ye. But I en't ye.”

“Aye, so y'keep sayin'. But 's jes' another lie ye tell y'self, eh? Elsewise… why en't ye tried ta get rid o' me, if y'so sure I's summat other'n ye?”

“It en't poss'ble.”

“Horseshite. Ye en't tried. Ye know all manner o' fancy magic spooks an' mindfuckers, y'tellin' me ye don' think a single one o' 'em cou' do summat? Don' bother lyin', I know th' truth. Ye's scared. Ye know if ye lose me, ye lose y'self. An' th' damn irony is, ye's gonna lose y'self one day anyway. One day soon, when yer playhouse comes crashin' down around y'ears.”

Mahat bit the inside of her cheek so hard she tasted blood, her vision going red at the corners. “Shut y'fuckin' mouth.”

The other voice turned suddenly, absurdly, gentle and earnest. “'S th' both o' us t'gether, love, an' tha's all we'll e'er 'ave. Bes' accept tha', accept us, afore ye lose summat else y'held close an' then lose y'mind entirely. Ev'ryun else kin break. Ev'ryun else kin die. From th' greatest t' th' smallest...” A child's cry carried across the dark water of the lake, and Mahat bolted upright, every sense and instinct frozen in place by a bolt of perfect, horrifying fear.

It was a laugh, she realized a second later. She could see the two figures in the distance under the aspen tree. Jaoyn had punched the trunk and was miming a dramatically pained reaction, and Saera was cackling in delighted laughter, her tears and anger forgotten. Mahat dropped back down to the blanket and curled in on herself, adrenaline making her heart pound and her shoulders shake. The rush faded quickly, leaving her numb and empty, but when Jaoyn and Saera returned, she folded the latter swiftly in her arms and leaned back into the other's embrace.

The three of them cuddled together on the blanket again, Mahat in the center this time. Jaoyn kissed her neck and softly stroked her hair as she whispered an apology to Saera, who accepted with sleepy amiability, yawning and burrowing into her mother's side like a heat-seeking kitten. Fighting to crawl from beneath the shadow of her fear, Mahat found herself emerging into starlight, surrounded by love and comfort, suspended in a moment that was untouchable, inviolable by whispers, by lies, by secrets. It didn't matter who she was, or who she'd been. The past was an echo and the future a question; only the present, only that moment, was real.

Saera murmured a request for a song, a lullaby that had always been her favorite. Mahat's lips parted, voice hesitant and creaking with emotion at first, slowly building to something smooth and strong and sweet. Jaoyn knew the song, she'd sung it to him before, and his warm baritone voice came rolling in, supporting her and filling out the lower notes. Saera let out a happy sigh, radiating peace and contentment as she drifted off. Mahat soaked in that peace, drowning her fears and her senses, relishing it like the Light itself.

It was the longest night of the year, and she wasn't alone.

#I wrote a thing #Wyrmrest Accord #wyrmrest rp #about the elf #jaoyn #mahat's infinite playlist

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theunemployedrogue · 7 years

Text

Jealous [Anders/Fenris]

Insp. by this post: ‘we’ve been fucking with no strings attached but i just saw you go upstairs with another guy and im drunk and following you both upstairs to punch the shit out of him’.

Wrote this a while back and finally decided to post it, since I don’t think I will ever write a second part as I originally intended. I do feel I got it to a good enough stopping point that it stands on its own though, so enjoy!

Fandom: Dragon Age II Pairing: Anders/Fenris Rating: PG (no actual sex, but sexual references) Words: 1892 Content warnings: Alcohol use, jealousy/possessiveness

Fenris growled and downed another gulp of the swill Varric had placed before him earlier that eve. The dwarf had given it high praise as “the only thing actually worth paying for at The Hanged Man” (though he’d later revised his claim after Isabela reminded him that she had a room there). Perhaps Aggregio Pavali had simply ruined him for all other spirits, but Fenris honestly couldn’t tell it apart from the usual piss water they drank on card nights.

He was now three pints in and nearing physical illness, and the shit still wasn’t doing its job. Oh, he was drunk. Perhaps drunker than he’d ever been, but damned if that meant anything. He still hadn’t managed to tear his attention away from the mage. His mage. His mage leaned heavily against an attractive blond human by the hearth fire, face pink from laughter, his amber eyes wide with unmistakable desire for the man at his side.

The drink had all but reduced Fenris’ world to a dizzy swirl of colors and light, but Anders alone remained bright and in focus, like some mortal lighthouse mocking him across a rageful sea.

The mage had quietly slipped into The Hanged Man alone several hours ago. Per usual, he arrived well after their larger party had already split itself across several smaller groups, and he’d drifted to the table with Hawke, Merrill, and Aveline without a glance Fenris’ way.

Fenris had not expected Anders to acknowledge his presence. They rarely greeted one another in public, and did not converse outside of necessary discussions related to battle strategy or healing when they were among friends. Well...there was also the odd argument here and there, but never did they exchange a single word in public that might suggest an intimacy existed between them.

No one had any idea they shared one another’s bed, and had for some time. It was never a spoken rule that the affair had to remain secret, but neither of them seemed to think it was something their friends needed to know. They went about it discreetly, finding time during the lulls between assignments to wander unnoticed between their individual abodes. Their nights together were spent playing the part of lovers who touched and spoke softly, all the animosity between them suspended for a few hours as they took comfort in one another’s embrace.

When it was over, they left their tender words and gentle kisses in the cooling wetness on the sheets, throwing a quilt over everything until their next rendezvous. Things did not change when they met in Hawke’s company the following day, and things did not change on the nights they joined their friends for cards and drinks at The Hanged Man. Nothing had changed at all… at least, that’s what Fenris had believed until that night.

“Maker. You’re shit-faced, aren’t you, elf?”

Fenris reluctantly pulled his gaze from Anders to look at Varric, who was watching him with a smug expression on his face.

“Not quite,” he lied, the obvious slur in his voice earning a chuckle from both his table companions.

“You’re terribly drunk, sweetheart,” Isabela, who was hardly a shining example of sobriety herself at that point, clucked. “So very drunk. Not a wonder, seeing as you elves have hardly a pinch of fat on you.”

The word ‘pinch’ was followed by the feel of Isabela’s fingers squeezing the little fold of plushness just above his hip. She giggled and let her hand slip down to rest against his thigh when Fenris didn’t admonish her.

Her advances were not always unwelcome, especially when he was well into his cups, but her touches that night were not accompanied by the usual spike of lust.

The sight of Anders had stirred a heat within him when the mage first arrived, but that heat was all but extinguished now. All he could focus on was the throbbing of his skull as his drunken mind tried to beat down his rage at seeing another so close to claiming what was rightfully his. His mage. Anders belonged to him.

“I really think it’s time to throw in the towel tonight, Broody,” Varric said, his smooth tone indicating he was the one among them that wasn’t completely sloshed. “Trust me, you’ve had more than enough if you’re making goo-goo eyes at the mage and I’m worried you’re seriously considering it.”

“What?” Isabela scoffed, turning to look at Anders over her shoulder before whipping her head back around. “When was that? Did I miss that?”

“You’ve missed a lot tonight, Rivaini. The toilet for one, I hear…”

“Oh, bah! Aveline’s just got her smalls in a twist because she wished she’d thought of squatting in the washbin!”

Isabela seemed to forget Varric’s remark about Anders, promptly segueing into a tale of her bathroom venture with Aveline and Merrill earlier that night. Fenris was glad when her hand left his thigh to gesture dramatically above her head instead. Free to escape the conversation while his friends were distracted, he rose from the table and prepared to weave his way through the crowd to the exit.

Fenris took less than a dozen stumbling steps toward the door before he was forced to brace himself against the wall. To say he was ‘shit-faced’ was an understatement. The room was turning somersaults in his vision, and he was pretty sure the only reason he hadn’t already puked all over himself was because his stomach couldn’t decide which way was up or down.

He knew he would immediately regret it, but he looked behind him toward the blaze of the fire in the hearth, seeking the calm of Anders’ presence to ground him.

His body lurched forward suddenly, and Fenris swallowed the bile in his throat.

Anders was gone from his place by the fire -- though not far, he quickly realized. He caught sight of the mage’s shabby coat just as Anders disappeared up the stairs to the second floor with the handsome blond human.

Something crashed loud and wet against the tavern floor. Fenris heard angry curses at his back and felt the sting of where he’d slammed his hipbone against the table, but his body kept moving forward of its own accord. He was only vaguely aware of Hawke’s teasing call to him as he stormed up the stairs behind Anders. Everything was bloody loud and twisted and wrong side up, but somehow he knew the room Anders would choose and was there to block the door when the mage and his would-be lover arrived.

“Fenris?” Anders said, his voice puzzled.

“You mind, elf?” the other human barked. “You’re in the way.”

Fenris snarled and moved forward, hands balled into fists, but Anders pushed him back before he could strike the man. He relaxed briefly feeling Anders press against him, then wrapped a possessive arm around the mage’s middle.

“Hey, get off him you--!”

“Relax Will, he’s a friend… well, a friend of a friend. A...known acquaintance?”

“I am his lover,” Fenris growled, tightening his grip.

Will regarded Anders with a scandalized expression.

“Is he mad or just drunk out of his mind?”

“Clearly drunk by the smell of him,” Anders said with a forced chuckle. “Look...I think he may need a healer’s attention. I really hate to…”

“Anders, I’m not going to leave you alone with this delusional elf! Give him here, I’m tossing him out!”

“Just try, human.”

“Will, just go, please,” Anders pleaded weakly. “I know him, he isn’t going to hurt me. He’s sick, I need to help him. Please. I...I’m sorry.”

Will lingered for a few moments, glaring daggers at Fenris, before finally stalking off in the direction of the stairs. The moment he was out of sight, Fenris yanked open the door to the room behind them and pulled Anders inside. The room was meagerly furnished, containing only a small bed and bedside table where several candles burned.

Anders moved away from Fenris as the elf slammed and locked the door behind him. The mage’s calm demeanor vanished when Fenris tried to approach him.

“I can’t believe you!” Anders hissed. “You’d better thank the Maker you’re drunk, otherwise I’d have let him have at you like you damned deserve for a stunt like that!”

“I would have killed him.”

“Huh...yes, probably,” Anders muttered. “Dammit all, Fenris, you really know how to ruin a man’s night, you know that?”

“You are mine.”

“I’m what?” Anders spat, his lips curving upward in a sneer. “I don’t belong to you or anyone else, Fenris! I’m a person, not a piece of property. I can’t believe you of all people--”

Anders sighed in exasperation.

“Maker, and you’re being a bloody hypocrite on top of everything! I mean, it’s perfectly all right for you to fool around with Isabela, but I’m not allowed to sleep with other people? Is that how it is?”

“I’ve not slept with Isabela since the first time you and I--” The words ‘made love’ burned in the back of Fenris’ throat, but he swallowed them down at the last instant. “--went to bed together.”

“Oh, please. I see the way she’s always all over you! You’re not exactly pushing her off when she’s crawling half-naked into your lap.”

“That is as far as I’ve allowed her to go for the past several months,” Fenris said. “Yes, she still invites me to her bed, but I...I just can’t anymore.”

Anders narrowed his eyes and tilted his head, looking confused.

“You...really haven’t slept with her since you and I…?”

“No. I’ve not slept with anyone.”

“I...I actually haven’t been with anyone else either. This thing with Will… I honestly had no idea he was even interested in me until tonight. It’s just...when he started flirting with me I realized it’d been nearly three weeks since we last…”

“I wanted to see you,” Fenris said. “I just...assumed I visited far too often.”

“Fenris...seriously?” Anders smiled, some of his anger seeming to ebb. “You thought I had a problem with a gorgeous elf fucking me into oblivion every day of the week?”

“I...I don’t know…It’s just that I was...unnerved by the sort of feelings I was starting to develop for you, so I tried to stay away...”

“Maker,” Anders sighed, running a hand through his hair. “This probably isn’t a conversation we need to have while you’re drunk. Why don’t you sleep it off here and we’ll talk in the morning?”

Fenris let Anders to lead him to the bed and lay him down, but when he grabbed the front of Anders’ robes and attempted to tug him on top of him, he was quickly rejected.

“Want you,” Fenris said, his attempt at a seductive tone completely ruined by way his voice slurred.

“Fenris, you couldn’t get it up right now if you tried. Even if you could, the answer is no. We’re not doing anything while you’re like this.”

“Please. Anders, I--”

Fenris attempted to grab hold of Anders’ robes once more. He caught Anders’ muttered ‘sorry’ just as the mage pressed his fingers to his temple, sending a sleeping spell coursing through his body.

“In the morning, Fenris,” Anders said softly, gazing down at the snoozing elf.

Fenris wasn’t the only one who needed some time to think.

#fenders #fenris #anders #da2 #roguefic

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