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dykefaggotry · 1 year

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wait hi i’m so confused i thought only lesbians can reclaim d*ke and only gay men can reclaim faggot? so how can you use both esp if you’re masc? IM CONFUSED IM SORRY this isn’t a hate anon or some shit i’m just so behind on the fuckin. ‘rules’ of tumblr and what the general consensus on slurs are i barely know what i can reclaim my damn self

hi you're all good! and honestly that's part of why I made the post and why the modern lgbt community frustrates me so much bc there is a huge prioritization of "rules" over community, solidarity, lived experience, and just. loving each other. not a diss at you obvs just that it makes us all so nervous about what we can and cannot reclaim and makes others really hostile about it

anyway!

several different answers...

by current lgbt tumblr/tiktok/twitter "rules" a lot of ppl have expanded those to include wlw and mlm, not just gay men and lesbians. I mean say two women are walking down the street holding hands, someone that would call them dykes isn't going to pause and ask if one or more of them is bisexual before using it. as I'm both a wlw and a mlm I'd fit into both. however I don't really jive w this explanation bc it hinges again on "rules" of conduct that I find reductive

another one I've seen that I find a little more nuanced is that if you have had slurs thrown at you and used against you, you can reclaim them. I've been called a dyke and a faggot more times than I can count. but again, I don't jive with this one as much bc does that mean a gay man fortunate enough to never get called a faggot cannot say that word?

the one I find to be the most resonating To Me- for decades and decades of the queer movement, queer women have been saying faggot and queer men have been saying dyke. it's only like really extremely relatively recently that it has been made taboo/wrong/crucifiable for the other group to say it. but if you look it up, there's a lot of early pictures and even well into the 90s pics of men holding up signs along the lines of faggots supporting dykes. and vice versa. this fear of saying these words in our community v much comes from the critically online crowd who doesn't actually go out and interact with their community (not saying you or everyone obviously just the people that push this shit really hard). they would rather squabble over words and slurs and labels than actually doing anything worthwhile.

and just on a personal note, like I said, I'm both a "wlw" and "mlm" although I find those words a little hallow. masculinity =/= sexuality and while I may be butch, that doesn't equate to manhood. even if it did, that's not entirely precluding me from finding community with others I relate to. but I grew up experiencing love for other women as a queer woman. I still do, even though I'm transmasc and use he/him pronouns in every day life (not on here and it's not misgendering to call me she or they, but for my safety I don't advertise any of that irl) but I don't mind being seen as a queer woman, that's deeply a part of how I learned to love in this world. and it got me called dyke. a lot. both when I was identifying as a lesbian, and when I wasn't. on the flipside, however, I am transmasc and butch. I present to the world with a masculine name and most strangers call me "sir" and use he/him for me. my boyfriend is a gay trans man (loosely, they also identify as nonbinary and his relationship to gayness is complicated but that's not my post to make). we are both on hrt and he's had top surgery. when we go out in the world together as a couple, most people see two gay men. we've been called faggots over it (shoutout to the bartender in Detroit for that one). is my experience materially any different than that of a 100% binary trans man getting called a faggot? is the way I present precluding me from being able to say I identify as a queer woman (and man) that loves women in a very queer way? if you look at me, a masculine individual with a beard that gets called a man by strangers and you say I cannot be a woman, what does that say about trans women? if you look at me and say the way that I present to the world doesn't count and doesn't matter, and the way me and my boyfriend conceptualize our relationship isn't right, why is that your business? again, not personal you but general You.

tldr gender is super fucking complicated and messy and so is sexuality and boiling it down to who can say what slurs is honestly really detrimental to our community and all of this is kind of The Point of my post.... and that is not an attack on you at all you're very lovely and I appreciate the message and how sincere it is! and you do not have to agree with me in fact I suspect many people won't. but that's okay. at the end of the day, this community isn't about agreeing with everyone. it's about protecting ourselves and our siblings from harm and loving each other.

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symptoms-syndrome · 2 years

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thanks for talking about the pronouns thing. i‘ve never seen it framed like this, only as a matter of being disrespectful and transphobic if you can‘t/ won‘t use them, but i agree with you. idk anyone who uses them and i always try to use whatever pronouns anyone feels comfortable with, being genderqueer myself, but these would be massively triggering for the reasons you‘ve outlined in your post.

People can be incredibly weird about it TBH. I've encountered people who insisted on only those specific pronouns and for those people I just use a name, i.e. "I haven't seen John, I think John went to the bathroom ten minutes ago."

I think it's disrespectful to insist on something that clearly makes others uncomfortable when there's a clear option not to. I don't see why they, xe, ze, etc etc etc cannot be used in place of that pronoun, other than the fact that that specific one makes people uncomfortable, which seems to be the (misguided) goal.

Like. I'm not even saying no one should use it. It's just like. Context. I call myself all sorts of things among friends or whatever, but I'm aware that many of the terms I use for myself, even though they're terms I identify as and like, make others uncomfortable so I don't use them. And that's about me calling myself these things, not even having another person involved. No one has to call me queer, they can call me bisexual. No one has to call me transsexual, they can just say trans. And there's definitely a difference between, for example, a cis person saying "I don't want to call you they because you're either a man or a woman" and someone, trans or otherwise, saying "this pronoun has been used against me and mine in a violent way and I don't feel comfortable recreating that violence against others."

Which doesn't even take into account that most of the people I've seen use those pronouns are those who are not the usual targets of being called that, primarily middle class, white ppl so the argument of reclamation, even if it meant what they think it means, is on thin ice LMAO

Plus I feel like. Most people I've met who use unconventional pronouns (neopronouns or w/e) have generally provided auxillary pronouns to use instead if for some reason you're unable to use their neopronouns, for example someone who's ESL or whatever. Ofc I will try my best to learn neopronouns as I'm able (I've been getting lots of practice with ze/hir since I've been talking about Leslie Feinberg and ze used those pronouns) but I do appreciate the understanding that not everyone will know how to use unconventional pronouns.

#asks #ask to tag #this got rambley

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aegialia · 3 years

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self-indulgent reflection on being on tumblr

so i recently hit 1000 followers on here and this blog has existed for almost exactly 8 years, so i wanted to ramble about tumblr and my experience of it for awhile. under the cut so definitely feel free to ignore this.

i started this blog right around when i was fourteen and had just started high school. at that point, i was out to my parents (and no one else) as bi, i had an inkling i was Struggling with something but i had no idea what and felt like i couldnt actually acknowledge it, and i had left leaning but very vague politics. tumblr definitely has shaped my journey around sexuality/gender/mental health/politics, both for good and for ill.

for good:

seeing other ppl talk about being lesbians helped me realize i could be a lesbian w/o being a traitor to the concept of bisexuality. hearing trans ppl talk about their experiences and explaining non-binary stuff and dysphoria helped me understand what i was going through

i don’t like talking about my mental health stuff in detail on here, but suffice to say, i was Going Through it in high school. i’m still going through it now, but i am in a much better place (thank you medication and 7 years of therapy!). seeing ppl talk about the weird, dumb, awful parts of mental illness let me acknowledge that i was going through those things too, that i wasnt like evil for feeling like that, that i could change. people talking about adhd/autism was particularly helpful---being able to identify why i’d always felt like my brain just didn’t work right is the first step in the (ongoing) process of not hating myself for the way my brain works

politics is definitely the area where i think tumblr was the best for me. i got exposed to so many opinions i definitely wasn’t hearing in school, from intelligent, well-read people who could articulate theory in ways i could understand. tumblr didn’t give me my politics and i didn’t learn everything i know about theory from it, but the communities of people i was around pointed me in the right directions. tumblr was also a good place to learn how to react to criticism. this doesn’t seem to be most people’s experience, but getting called out over minor things on tumblr genuinely helped me learn how to take a step back, look at my behavior, apologize, and try to change, which, as it turns out, is a helpful skill irl as well

for ill:

wrt sexuality and gender, it’s probably pretty obvious someone who’s journey is ‘cis bi girl -> cis with a million different microlabels -> nb w a million different microlabels for both sexuality and gender -> nb butch lesbian who’s not super into romance’ would have some bad times on tumblr. the bi circles i was in made being a lesbian seem like an immoral choice, the ‘’’mogai’’’ (or whatever u wanna call them) circles made me feel like i had to divy up and perfectly label every aspect of myself in a way that really wasn’t helpful for me, the lesbian circles i was in made me feel like being a lesbian was about ending up in a monogamous butch/femme cottagecore relationship and that there was something wrong with me for not really wanting that. to be clear i think microlabels can be very helpful for people/a monogamous butch/femme relationship is a perfectly fine thing to want, they just didn’t work for me. im very very glad ive reached a point in my life where i dont feel the need to stay up to date on the latest discourse and am more focused on finding a way to exist that is comfortable for me and supporting my community irl. 10/10 would recommend to everyone

not going to get deep into it, but social media is. not good for my brain in general. i still enjoy using tumblr, but these days im pretty careful to step back from it frequently and treat it as an occasional hobby.

the cons of political stuff on tumblr are probably also very obvious. there are some just awful discussions on here and the culture surrounding the way we handle bad behavior and justice and accountability and working to become a better person and make up for the harm you’ve caused has historically been fucking awful and trying to unlearn it and find new ways to engage with this stuff is exhausting.

for all that i’ve changed over the course of having this blog, this blog has stayed pretty fucking static. i started out being super into diana wynne jones and the iliad and those are still two of my biggest interests and things i talk about the most on here. there are definitely specific things that have petered away (i started this blog almost entirely to keep up with good omens fan stuff and i pretty much haven’t touched it since the miniseries came out, i haven’t sought out pacific rim/supernatural/elementary/mcu content in years), but im still pretty much interested in the same things. i like relatively small fandoms, i like weird side characters, i like to be a grumpy child playing with my toys in the corner. when a fandom im in gets popular, i tend to stop engaging with it entirely (hello rqg/tma/good omens/enola holmes!). i dont think its a pretentious ‘i liked it before it was cool’ thing so much as a ‘people get Weird and awful when a fandom hits a certain level of popularity and there’s too much content and i really, really hate the bad faith arguments larger fandoms tend to spawn’ thing. i’ll consume content from big fandoms, but i pretty much refuse to actually engage with them at this point.

one of the stranger parts of my experience of tumblr is the social side. i’ve never really known how people make friends online---how do you go from liking each other’s posts and occasionally replying to them to actually being friends who communicate off social media? i’ve had conversations with ppl on tumblr and i’ve had sort-of friendships that are contained to tumblr where i’d like to get to know them better, but i’ve never figured out how to do that. my best friend’s job is pretty much to make friends/connections on the internet (she’s an activist and artist), my dad knows people everywhere in the world from twitter, and i’m just sitting here like a little old grandpa who doesn’t understand how you can have internet friends.

at this point in my life, i’m fine with this, but this has made me feel real fucking bad in the past---like, if everyone online, even the ppl who say they’re weird and brainbad in a similar way to me, can make friends on the internet, what’s wrong with me? particularly in high school and my first year of college, when i was just horribly lonely all the time, it made me feel super disconnected and like there was something fundamentally bad about me. these days, i’m a lot chiller about it. i use social media to engage with stuff i enjoy and share my thoughts about it. it’s okay that my social difficulties extend to me not knowing how to use the internet to socialize.

on a somewhat related topic, it’s wild that i have 1000 followers. obviously, that’s not an actually super large number and a huge number of them are probably bots or inactive. if you post consistently for eight years and follow lots of people, like i do, it’s not a surprise to end up with this many followers. it is also, thankfully, the sort of followers that are not fans. probably most ppl following this blog dont remember why they followed and dont know anything about me or my interests. this sounds like its meant to be depressing but it’s not. i like that my way of engaging w the internet lets me do pretty much whatever i want and no one will care. the mere concept of being. like. tumblr famous in any capacity, even just in one community/fandom, is viscerally horrifying to me.

i really enjoy the space i’ve created for myself on here. on one hand, going back through my blog is obviously embarrassing and full of hating my past self. on the other hand, i now have a very nice collection of things i enjoy in this blog. i like seeing what i’ve been interested in and (when i’m in a good mental health place) i like to be able to remember how i thought and talked about the things i loved when i was younger. im not at the place in my life where i can love a younger version of myself, but sometimes i can laugh at zir with a level of fondness.

i’ve always been paranoid about sharing details about my life on here (and the fact that my parents have always been able to see it certainly contributed), so the version of jack on here is a carefully curated version, who’s super enthusiastic about the things they love, was very conscientious about apologizing and trying to do better when ze messed up, and tried to be polite to others. that’s a younger version of myself that i’m closer to being able to have compassion for than the version i find in essays and poems and memories.

i’m starting grad school in ten days and i’m still using the blog i started when i began high school. tumblr has helped me in a lot of ways and hurt me in a lot of ways, but i still have to admit that it’s been a significant factor in shaping me. i’d be incredibly embarrassed to admit that irl, but it’s true. other than my family and like one friend, this blog is one of the only things that’s ‘known’ me since i started high school. i’ve changed so much in that time and im glad to have this weird little record of myself throughout those changes, even if i’d probably warn my younger self away from tumblr if i could go back in time.

tl;dr i have had a mixed experience on tumblr and i have mixed feelings about that experience. no idea if anyone read any of this very long, very rambling internet memoir

p.s. fun facts about this blog:

i’ve never changed my icon or blog title

i recently got a second version of the poster i got my blog title from. i chose my blog title by looking at what was hanging on the wall directly in front of me.

my original url was gloomthkin. this was not, as you’d probably assume, an otherkin thing. i had literally no idea what otherkin was at that point. i’d just learned the word gloomth from a bill bryson book and thought it would be cool n edgy to be the child of the quality of gloom. i changed my url after i learned what otherkin was and realized everyone probably assumed something about me that wasn’t true which i hated (not bc i had an issue w otherkin, just bc i don’t like ppl thinking untrue things about me)

during my good omens days, i once sent a tumblr ask to nail guyman which, in retrospect, was kinda rude. i stand by the content but id never send an ask like that now. he replied to it privately in a way that so deeply embarrassed and shamed 15 year old me that i’ve never gotten over it. i still get nervous and embarrassed when i see anything about him or his books

#gloomth and circumstance #this is definitely not required reading!#i just felt like rambling for a very long time about my feelings and my blog #w bonus blog trivia at the bottom that amuses me and probably no one else

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vampireqrow-moved · 3 years

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um its my birthday so wait until 12:01am pst to block me if u hate this post 🥰🥰

long story short the pansexual label is redudant and actively harmful (its far from the worst problem bisexuals face but it is one issue) and i dont hate anyone who identifies as pan because A) those ppl are bi like me and B) i used to identify as pan myself.

if thats enough for you to block me and make a callout post for me then i cant stop you but pretty please either read this whole thing or just wait a few minutes for my bday to end 🥰🥰

anyways im kicking off this point with some personal experiences bc i love to talk to myself. i got introduced to the pan label at maybe 10ish years old, and started identifying with it pretty much right away. i heard about it before bisexual and it was pitched as attraction to all genders and of course trans people. i was of course a trans ally! i had trans friends! i was trans also but hadnt figured it out yet! the way i had heard of it, there was no bisexual, there was no need for bisexual, and identifying differently was excluding trans people, which I was certainly against. being bisexual was trans exclusionary and why would i exclude trans people? the 'hearts not parts' slogan was thriving around this time and i genuinely said it and meant it.

as i started to become more online, mostly through roleplaying websites and tumblr here, i started hearing of bisexuality. it was supposedly an older term, so older people still used it, but it was common knowledge that pansexual was the better, inclusive label and younger people should adopt the new inclusive language instead of the old and transphobic words like bisexual. /s

and then bi and pan solidarity was all the rage! pansexual wasnt erasing bisexuality, why did anyone ever think that? bi and pan were two separate and complete identities that were valid and had to be respected or youre a mean exclusionist. and an asexual person, hearing people labelled exclusionist always meant they were excluding people from the lgbta community who rightfully belonged, denying peoples lived experiences, and generally telling people theyre wrong about their sexuality because theyre too young. and all of those things were bad and had hurt me, so it would be ridiculous to change labels and support "pan exclusionists" because they were just as bad as ace and aro exclusionists, and they were all the same people. or so it seemed to me at that time.

then, 'hearts not parts' began getting called out for blatant transphobic by insinuating that pansexual was the only identity that loved people for their "hearts" and personalities instead of those gross gays, lesbians, bisexuals, and even straights who only saw people for their "parts". (STRAIGHT PEOPLE ARE NOT OPPRESSED. I AM MERELY POINTING OUT THAT PANSEXUALITY WAS SHOWN AS ABOVE ALL OTHERS.) many pan people, including myself, began to denounce the slogan and insist pansexuality wasnt transphobic, there had just been a coincidence that a transphobic slogan was everywhere and a huge part of people's explantions of and associations with pansexuality. hint: it wasnt a coincidence.

from my perspective, this is when i began to see people discussing dropping the word pansexual. that seemed to be a huge step from getting rid off a transphobic slogan, and these people were just meanies who hated microlabels. and i like microlabels! as a genderfluid person, and someone who has friends who use specific aro and acespec labels, ive seen how people can use them to name specific experiences while still acknowleging their presence underneath umbrella terms like aromantic, asexual, nonbinary, lgbta, and for some people, queer.

pansexuals dont do that. they dont label pansexuality as a specific set of experiences under the bisexual umbrella, they see themselves as a separate identity, and even if they started to, the history of biphobia and transphobic undeniably linked to the existence of pansexuality in enough to stop being worth using. but i digress. pansexualitys shiny new definition that many people cling to is that pansexual is attraction to all genders. bisexual is two or more genders.

which. frankly? doesnt make any sense. my guess is that its supposed to be inclusive of nonbinary genders and those a part of cultures who historically have not had a binary gender system in the first place. i cannot speak for the latter group, but as a nonbinary person, its not inclusive. anyone can be attracted to nonbinary people. literally anyone. theres no way to know if everyone you meet is nonbinary or not. whether or not a nonbinary person reciprocates those feelings and is interested in pursuing a relationship is completely up to the individual, regardless of the sexualities of the people involved.

bottom line is that you cant number the amounts of genders someone can be attracted to, thus rendering those definitions pointless. people can be attracted to all kinds of people regardless of gender, even if they are gay, a lesbian, or straight. all people can date thousands of nonbinary genders if all people involved are interested and comfortable with it. numbering the genders you can be attracted to diminishes the post of nonbinary, as it is not a third gender, it simply any experience not fitting within the western concept of the gender binary (if the person so chooses to identify as such. if you cant tell already, the nonbinary experience is varied between every single nonbinary person.) important to note also that no widely accepted bisexual text defines bisexual as attracted to exclusively two genders or even the "two or more genders". i know this is used a lot but please read the bisexual manifesto. its free online i promise.

some people also claim pansexuals experience "genderblind" attraction while bisexuals feel differently attracted to different genders. this is very nitpicky for whats supposed to be two unconnected idenities, but thats only part of the problem. this definition is also not in any widely accepted bisexual texts, and bisexuality has never excluded those who experience genderblind attraction. i am in fact a bi person who experiences genderblind attraction. this does not mean i am not bisexual. it simply means i experience bisexuality differently than other bisexuals, and thats wonderful! no broad communities like bisexuality are expected to all share the same experience. we are all so different and its amazing were able to come together under the bisexual flag.

last definition, or justification i should say, is that yes these definitions are redundant and theyre the same sexuality, but people prefer different labels and thats okay. i agree in principle. people can define themselves as many things like homosexuals or gays or lesbians or queers or even other reclaimed slurs, while still not labelling themselves under the most "common" or "accurate" labels.

but pansexuality isnt the same as bisexuality, which may sound silly but hear me out. it has been continually used as a way to further divide bisexuals, who are already subject to large amounts of lgbta discrimination. "pansexuality was started by trans people who were upset with transphobia within the bisexual community! it cant be transphobic OR biphobic!" except of course that it can and it is. to say that trans people cant be transphobic is absurd. transmedicalism is right there, but thats not what im getting at. all minorities can have internal and sometimes external biases against people who are the same minority as them.

pansexuality was started as a way to be trans inclusive at the expense of labelling bisexuality as transphobic when its not. transphobia is everywhere, and bisexuals are not exempt. instead of working on the transphobia within the community, the creators of pansexuality decided to remove themselves from it to create a better and less tainted word and community, and the fact that pansexuality is intended to replace bisexuality or leave it for the transphobes goes to show a few things. pansexuality and bisexuality are inherently linked because the pan label is in response to the bi label. due to its origins, it is inherently competing with bisexuality and it cant be "reclaimed" from its biphobic roots. pansexuality is not a whole, separate, and valid label. its a biphobic response to issues within the bisexual community.

to top off this post, heres something a full grown adult once said to me. in person. she was my roommate. "i feel like im pan because im attracted to trans people. trans women, trans men, i could definitely date them. but not nonbinary people because thats gross and weird." she saw pan as trans inclusive and defined herself that way as opposed to bi which is shitty!

also a little extra tidbit about my experiences identifying as pan. i saw myself as better than every bi person. all of them. even my trans and bi friends. whenever they brought up being bisexual i would think to myself "why dont you identify as pansexual? its better and shows people you support trans people." because i was made to believe bisexuality didnt and was therefore inferior. thats the mindset that emerged from my time in the pansexual community. i am so sorry to all of my bisexual friends even if they never noticed. i love you all and hope you have a great day. this also goes to any bisexuals or people who identify as bi in anyway, such as biromantic or simply bi. love you all.

ummm yeah heres some extra reading i found helpful and relevant. here and here. also noooo dont disagree with me and unfollow me im so sexy 🥴🥴🥴

#if u have follow up questions ill probably answer them 2morrow #if u ask something just be nice its my birthday 🙄🙄#anyways time to tag this lol !#pansexuality #biphobia #transphobia #q slur #long post #my post #ask to tag maybe??

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quarkcore · 3 years

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ok i have an incredibly lukewarm take on pan discourse and its that its unnecessarily painful to everyone i see involved and often based on presumption of universal definitions wrt labels which do not exist. like imagine person 1, is part of LGBT community A. where they are, most bi people do not include trans/nonbinary people in who they are attracted to (or at least not *all* trans/nonbinary people). instead, the label pan is typically used for that. so they realise that theyre actually pan. but then person 2 who is in lgbt community B, where bi is typically assumed to include attraction to all genders, sees this and is hurt bc it implies that bisexuality excludes certain groups. both of these ppl are using those labels in a way that makes sense. in the place they are in, it communicates what needs to be communicated.

it would be fucking great if bisexuality didnt ever mean “only attracted to cis ppl”, but i KNOW that in some places, most ppl would not consider dating trans ppl and trans women especially. like i have heard it from the source. and even if its shit that that situation even exists, it makes sense that ppl would make words to make who theyre attracted to super clear. now theres a whole series of convos u can have abt that and the impact it can have. but its going to happen until attraction to trans people (and not just as a fetish!) is mainstream. i promise you that. the other side of that is that of course, a lot of pan ppl will make generalising statements based upon their own experience of what bi and pan have meant, which may not apply elsewhere/to other ppl. and thats deeply hurtful to say the least, esp when bi ppl as a community are so often misunderstood and stereotyped.

but i think the only way to resolve this rn is to stop presuming that what bi or pan means to you is what it must mean everywhere. once we do that we can stop trying to insist that being part of a certain group means you hold certain values etc, and instead we can focus on the important matters at hand: fighting for the rights of lgbt ppl and esp in this case trans ppl and everyone whos attracted to multiple genders. we can ask ppl to think abt what it means to be attracted to a certain gender. we can ask what preconceptions ppl have abt what a trans person looks like, what a trans person acts like, and what a relationship with a trans person would look like. we can talk abt the idea that ‘trans woman’ and ‘cis woman’ (for example) are different genders and its implications, both in terms of relationships, and in terms of the way trans ppl are treated in society more generally. bc i think that those are the questions that sit at the heart of the whole pan discourse thing and they get left unaddressed bc we get caught up on labels instead.

also leaving that aside like... i think theres legitimate things that pan might mean outside of bi (clearly including trans ppl). like it can mean sexuality without gender preference, as opposed to bi, which can mean attraction to multiple genders, with a preference. it can mean more generally that things like gender and gender presentation dont affect the way you feel attraction. and a lot of this is splitting hairs i know but like if ppl find meaning in those things, they will use the label. and if they dont, theyll stop and itll fizzle out. clearly the label pan is doing something important for a lot of ppl and communicating something bi does not for them.

(disclaimer: i identify as neither bi nor pan and therefore actually dont have a horse in this race and may be talking out of my ass. thats for u to decide. also like im not overly attached to this viewpoint its just what im settled on rn after having seen this whole argument play out like 20 times over.)

#this is like non discourse discourse really like #im not overly invested bc i just dont think its a worthwhile fight #and im v live and let live on labels

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bi-dazai · 3 years

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honestly i think i have a weird anger or cultural confusion where other gay and trans ppl are like much happier and comfortable to come out and shit and be open, but I've always had an extremely complicated relationship with it because it's always made me feel so isolated and lonely, even with other gay ppl around. and younger ppl especially will like go around coming out so frequently and meanwhile if I'm going to even tell you that I'm attracted to women I have to trust you 110% and that isn't something that comes easy.

I'm terrified of like. Wearing even rainbow goddamn socks because I'm scared shitless of getting bullied, or harassed, or even assaulted. Which is ironic considering I try to be quite fashionable in public but with being openly bi (let alone being openly TRANS) it's a complete no-no.

Like I think as much as I love being bi and nb at the same time I still despise it, I still think it's ruined my life. I have gender dysphoria about my chest whereas if I was cis I would be so happy with how feminine my body is. My first ever relationship with another girl at the moment being cut short by abusive homophobia fucked me up in innumerous ways, leading me to like...severe issues with the way i feel about sex and emotional attachment and touch.

And ofc there's the homophobia, like at this moment I'm probably leaning towards getting a fuckbuddy or smth over tinder but like a romantic relationship with another person is terrifying, like I'm insanely private w relationships even w men, I won't let us hold hands if I think too many people might see bc i have this stupid complex

There's more and more but my relationship with being Out is one where it's something that I simultaneously desire and despise, being Out is one of the most terrifying concepts I can think of and to me having someone refer to me as "they" and not as a woman is simply not as important as being safe, as not living in even more fear of assault.

And then all around me ppl my age (although usually younger) are all coming out to anyone and everyone like it's just casual, saying their pronouns like it's nothing. And first it's disbelief and shock because holy fuck, has everyone gone fucking mad?? Are we all so fucking stupid that we just forget the everloving fear homophobia strikes into you?? And then it's the jealousy, that these people have this comfortable relationship with their own gay/transness and enough trust to actually open up and tell a room full of strangers "please call me they not she". It's disappointment and anger in myself that almost 7 years after forcing myself to whisper "I'm bisexual" to the bathroom mirror in the middle of the night and then cry my eyes out because it felt like I'd been cursed, and probably over a decade since I'd started having sexual feelings about all genders, and an entire lifetime of having feelings for men women and others, after so long I'm still just a coward who sits and hates it all, who fears it all.

But then recently I've come to the realisation that the way I realised I was gay was a way that's kind of...dying out. That being the mostly offline way.

Don't take this the wrong way but I've found a lot of people go online and find this overwhelming amount of support and representation for gay and trans identity. You can argue validly this statement, but the context I use this in is comparing it to like. 2013. People were way less online. Being an online celebrity was a novelty.

At school there were dyke, faggot, tranny, etc, thrown around as if they were confetti. Jokes about "lesbos" and "lesbihonest" humiliated any girl who was too close to another girl. I grew up not just in Brisbane Queensland but in a town that was connected to the mainland only by two bridges - a landbridge and a humanmade bridge. The school was overwhelmingly anglo. Overwhelmingly right wing.

I realised I was bi with minimal help from Tumblr. I realised I was bi because I fell, hard, for my best friend. And then she liked me back, and our relationship was amazing. But the school found out. We held hands under the table, we found a quiet moment to kiss and everyone pointed and stared. We made out in the shadow of a building and turned to find twenty people watching gawkeyed, pointing, fascinated.

The entire time her mum was abusive, and massively homophobic. She blamed me for turning her daughter gay. She forced us multiple times to break up at the threat of violence. Eventually we did. We never talked about it. Our friendship never returned like it used to. It was awkward, tinged with sadness, regret, yearning and young love cut short.

It was traumatic, to say the least.

Tumblr in 2014, despite the cringe screenshots, wasn't actually mostly about LGBT positivity or whatever. I first saw the term bisexual on, if you can believe me, a quotev story in 2011 about a cheerleader and an emo girl who get together in a secret relationship. You were either gay or straight, or you had an exception. Bisexual felt right, though, for me, felt accurate, was accurate.

It was years of confusion and secrecy and guilt, peeks at other girls in the changing room that I couldn't help and I didn't understand why. Then it was months and months of anger and frustration at myself that I was feeling this way and confused about myself, and then when I said those words it felt like I was being torn apart. It felt like my life had fallen apart. I cried every goddamn night, I felt awful all the time.

At school the kids noticed. They noticed before I started dating my friend, they noticed the way I looked at her and they interrogated me about it. I'd claim up and down I had a crush on another boy - true perhaps, but it was a passing interest - and then they said they told him and analysed how I reacted. And then the interrogations continued for months because the gay girl was entertainment for them. Around me, as I walked between classes, had lunch, walked home, dyke dyke dyke faggot hahaha.

And then the relationship happened and then leelah alcorn happened and I learned what a trans person is. And sometime when I was fifteen I saw nonbinary begin to pop up, terms like genderfluid and nonbinary and they rang true like bisexual did, but the last time I went down a rabbit hole like that it ended in trauma, and another person got hurt. I didn't throw homophobia at her, but I felt and still feel responsible for it. I didn't turn her gay, but I made it obvious. I don't quite know how to say it.

I knew I was nonbinary, deep down. One day I decided to add that to my tumblr bio. Nobody gave a shit, just like nobody gave a shit when I said I was bi. But that was because I wasn't open about it even online. I couldn't talk about that stuff or I'd curse myself.

Time went on, I got more comfortable, collected fresh new traumas. My brother came out as trans. Around me, friends came out as gay and trans. But they kept coming out. They didn't stop at close friends and trusted family, they told teachers, their entire class. I didn't understand. Why the fuck would you put yourself at risk like that?? And I still don't. I said it was jealousy and anger at myself before, and maybe it is still a little bit, but now, it's just concern.

As I said, the way I realised I was gay is the rather old fashioned way - offline, through trauma, and almost entirely unenjoyable and traumatic. A lot of kids still go through that for sure. But the ones I see telling everyone over that they're gay or trans are, in my experience, not those ones. As the internet began to become more of a general use thing and less of a "only recluse weirdos" space, the online LGBT safe space began to expand into an audience bigger than before. Online, you were safe. Nobody knew your name, you were behind a screen. Homophobia was veiled, you could just delete a hateful anon, could just log off. You could put up your pronouns and people would use them because, well, ppl didn't really have any other identifier someone might use for your gender. So this positive uplifting atmosphere spawned for the most part. And instead of learning through confusion and rare chance encounters with random words and crying into the sink every night that you're gay, you much easier come across this content that tells you indepth what this is and that it's okay. And you think, well wow, that's me, and then...you know, I guess. Not denying there's some of the classic self hatred etc but...you have this safe space online to fall back on, and I cannot emphasise how much that has pushed the acceptance and widespread knowledge of lgbt people in the past 5 years. I didn't exactly have that space, and my realisation was through mostly real life channels, which were swamped at all sides by homophobia, at worst, abusive, at kindest, it would treat you like a sideshow attraction.

Being someone who arguably isn't old enough to brush this difference away with being an "older gay" but still having had a gay experience quite different to the majority in my generation (applying this to area as well) I have to say I'm confronted with this comfortableness other days have a lot and it's always jarring. I think also that while it's important and I'm happy that "younger" gays and transes have at least one good support network/space to fall back onto online, I do think it creates this kind of...dangerous other side, especially for those who go to schools that are LGBT positive and have families who are also friendly to that sort of stuff. I find that young gay teens are totally unprepared and unhardened for the fact that most people you run into in real life despise your guts for existing as who you are. And while we can make as many soppy gay narratives as possible about being honest about who you are and losing shame, we need to face the fact and teach young lgbt kids that being Out isn't just something you do as a ritual in being gay or trans, it's a brave thing and it's completely optional. And furthermore, most importantly, it's insanely dangerous.

I don't think that teenage, raw fear of the consequences of even the very concept of being Out has ever left me. Perhaps I have to thank the homophobic 14 yr olds who swamped me in slurs and trauma, because it's given me a survival sense that's kept me closeted so far you'd never get in.

But occasionally I'm tempted, particularly with my transness which I am only out to perhaps 3 people about, to venture into the world of telling people about yourself. I started a new uni semester and in a tutorial, the teacher handed out cards. We were to use it as a placard to write our names on it so the teacher would learn our names over the next few classes. And, if we chose...our pronouns.

I stared at that card for what felt like a million years. This has always been an ordeal. People don't know how to pronounce my name, even though it's a rather simple one. But pronouns? I'd never really told anyone those. Online, yes, and once when I was asked by a friend i was brave enough to say "any will do" but this - this wasn't the curated safe online space, this wasn't a one-time phrase to a friend. This was an open, permanent thing that would sit below me every class, declaring me to 18 other people. I wrote down "NATALYA", then beneath "she/". And then I stared some more. I felt like I was going to die. I felt like I was the biggest fool, because before I could stop myself I wrote "she/they". No "he", not yet. But...it was there.

At the end of the class the teacher collected the placards. I wanted to run back screaming, wanted to ask her for a new card so I could be safe again. But I didn't because I would look like a freak and a coward.

I still think it's stupid. I still think I've put some petty gesture that no one will ever respect (if they can call you she they won't ever call you they) above my own safety. The thing that really struck me was that it didn't feel good. The reason I wrote it like that, I believe in hindsight, is that I was curious what those other kids feel like, because it must feel good to declare that you're a tr*nny d*ke in front of the entire class, good enough to beat the stomach-lurching dread that precedes such an action. But it didn't. It just felt like an unnecessary risk. And it made me feel worse, like there was a target on the back of my head.

I think I could talk about this forever, about how so many kids believe coming out is this thing you're required to do to be a good gay, but it's not. It's stupid stupid reckless, and in my case it ends with you getting fucked over.

But Ive written for ages and gotten prosaic halfway through so I'm gonna shut up. Basically why the fuck do you guys come out to everyone like please stay safe instead of this it isn't worth it.

#tw d slur #tw f slur #tw homophobia #personal #i didnt hear much transphobia in my grade until towards the end of highschool #because nobody back then rly knew what a trans person was #also #long post #like REALLY long #t slur

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starfxckersinc · 4 years

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why do you have the f slur And the d slur in your about yikes

p sure it’s in there bc u guys’ weird removed from real gay relationships & interactions get on my nerves a bunch & u know that but I honestly don’t remember so I’ll say it.

1. i think it’s regressive and stupid, in a community full of people who can look like anything, who can be any gender under the sun, whose presentations and experiences are deeply personal, complex, and multi layered to try and figure out who is what enough to say what slurs. it’s yet another brand of exhausting usually biphobic usually transphobic usually uninformed about how homophobic people use slurs sort of discourse and it’s..... im tired. i actually live in a household with transphobic people who say homophobic and transphobic slurs and literally anything feminine related to a masculine person, if they interpret them as too male to be a dyke, is labeled faggy, unless they can literally call them the t slur which I just wont engage with myself considering im tme and that word is usually used to hurt trans women. the gender, sex life, sexuality etc of whoever they’re calling a slur doesn’t factor into whoever they’re calling it, the point is they’ve identified something as Gay behavior and they’re shaming it.

2. I’m exhausted by the fact that ppl who can see me in my profile pic think I shouldn’t use the word dyke- I am obviously read as a woman day to day and the word dyke just means you’re being read as afab(I know this term is a little regressive but I’m not sure how else to communicate myself) and you fuck women. It specifically has the definition of Lesbian because for decades people have believed and perpetuated the idea that you can only either be gay or straight- This is why it’s so stupid to limit bisexual people from what slurs they can and can’t say because there are no bisexual-specific slurs. I KNOW you all would love to invent some like u reinvented butch/femme, but there aren’t, so telling young bi girls to say ~the d slur~ is ridiculous, as if they’re not gay enough to face homophobia.

3. If you think I should put a warning at the top of that page saying those words are in there, I’m p sure I neglected to do that and that’s on me, I’m totally willing to edit it. I believe in tagging slurs, I believe in people not wanting to read them or be called them, I never call people I don’t know or people who I know are sensitive about it/have experienced trauma regarding it by these words. However, gay people have been affectionately calling each other fag & dyke for a long, long damn time, and having watched u ppl ‘call out’ a couple of people for affectionately calling their friends these things I’m just gonna say it’s not abnormal behavior & some people are fine with it.

4. After 2-3 years of pondering my gender I’ve come to sort out that I’m androgynous, which in my definition is basically an extreme level of genderfluid. Sometimes I fluctuate very heavily towards boy, sometimes towards girl, but generally I’m somewhere between the two. I would like, however, to present in a style that would have me come across as a femme man rather than a girl, which is how I look now, or maybe even unreadable w a side of cheekbones, but as it stands referring to MYSELF as a fag makes ME happy. I would LIKE to be read as a faggot. I don’t get why most people can understand “my gender is dyke” or “I’m queer” but this one goes above people’s heads

anyways yeah that’s my thoughts on the slurs

#d slur #f slur #transphobia tw #homophobia tw #transmisogyny mention #aberdeen spoken word #dont come at me abt censoring the t slur btw like.#transmisogyny is not mine to debate

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funeraldisco · 3 years

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terf lite rhetoric is usually abt male violence or like essential experiences of being a woman that are tied to having certain genitals or like the necessity of female exclusive spaces or all men are predatory & evil through biology/socialization and other sorts of “subtly” transmisogynistic rhetoric so that most likely tme person in the last reblog of that terf lite post listing like transmeds (shitty & generally also bioessentialist, for the record, and sometimes allied with terfs, but also often trans, including some trans women) and ace exclusionists (i guess there might be some overlap, but ace exclusionism has absolutely nothing to do with transmisogyny or even general transphobia / bioessentialist gender views, and saying ‘excluding anyone from anything is a sign of terfism’ dilutes the meaning of the word terf & moves it away from transmisogyny) as ‘terfs lite’ but not even -mentioning- transmisogyny, the center of all terf beliefs, how do i word it politely, doesn’t sound like they know what they’re talking about

Thank you for sharing this with me!!! I think they ended up adding the stuff abt transmeds bc like you said they are sometimes allied with terfs (I definitelythink they could have worded it better). I thought the thing about asexuality was a bit out of left field but the way I ended up interpreting that was since terfs are bioessentialists and believe sexuality is soley based on your parts etc are therefore exclusive of those sexualities that don’t fit their criteria of gay/lesbian/bisexual. But I totally agree that it takes away from the root problem of transmisogyny! (and also trans ppl+ppl who aren’t terfs can be exclusive of asexuality). Also the thing they said abt terfs being exclusive of non-binary identities is ?????? I’ve seen terfs who identify as non-binary (usual written as “non-binary woman” but not always) so again I agree that they didn’t really have much to add and probably should have just not contributed. Thank you again for sending this 💖

#let me know if this makes sense my brain is a bit mushy today #anonymous #answered

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evildnaa · 4 years

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‪originally written to be posted to twitter:

the way that I feel so disconnected to the online bisexual community, or just other bi ppl my age. And maybe it’s just the general young queer community I feel disconnected from cause everytime I come on this damn app there’s more discourse, cause bi kids created a slur? instead of just thinking critically about how you use slurs, who your audience is and why you feel you need them to be funny? Or creating new labels for nonbinary people who’ve existed in sapphic and achillean spaces for ages with no issue? I get that nonbinary people would want an ungendered label to validate their identity so it def makes sense in that context if that makes them more comfortable, but nonbinary people aren’t a third gender so if they don’t feel invalidated by a “gendered” label why the fuck are people flipping shit? why are people flipping shit when an adult bisexual man reclaims the word faggot knowing his queer audience?

Maybe it’s just the lack of representation of accurate/ older bisexual representation that makes me feel like I’m in a community of teenage idiots. So often I’m just truly lost on what everyone is up in arms about and why it truly matters in terms of ensuring equity and safety for queer people. I think after being in this shit and seeing bs discourse like this for 5 yrs straight I’m really just over it yk?

My bisexual peers who hate pansexuals for simply existing are the same ones I see bashing nonbinary lesbians and forcing them into a new label thats “more validating” to identities, trying to solve a problem that doesn’t exist just like pansexuality did. Will trixic and toric nonbinary people be bashed in 5-10 years for identifying as such because all of a sudden its been deemed invalidating? Can they not see history repeating with this? I see my transmale peers bashing anyone who dare identify close to trans who doesn’t experience dysphoria, claiming xenogenders and neopronouns “make the community look ridiculous”. Do other queer teens not understand cisgender and heterosexual people will always not understand? That that’s the whole point? That they don’t understand us because they aren’t queer? Why are you so eager to appeal to the same people that oppress us and don’t care about our rights in the same ways cause they don’t Need to? Instead of understanding this community is sometimes the only thing we have to support us?

I truly can’t wait till I’m older within this community cause I Know this bs isn’t thrown around in the same way y’all do on this dumb bird app. the way y’all continue to rehash old tumblr bullshit really ceases to amaze me. For the majority of this, who the hell is it hurting? most often I see this actually hurting the queer community more then the help it claims its doing. If you feel your identity is invalidated by the existence of another, there are some other things you need to evaluate as to why you feel invalid, like systematic transphobia and homophobia that you definately have interalized, instead of immediately going to pin it on your queer peers. I cannot wait till I’m older and have literally less time to be on here cause I truly cannot stand it. I need to find some semblance of community somewhere else cause I obviously am not finding it here with people who cannot see the bigger picture.

I hope that one day I feel connected to my own communities, and feel like I know what’s actually going on in them, but I also don’t feel like that’ll be any time soon and it makes me genuinely upset. Nothing on here feels like what the community genuinely cares about in real life and its really jarring and confusing to see almost every day. I am just so exhausted.

#tldr the young online queer community makes me upset as a queer kid online myself #pls ignore if you dont have time im simply just unloading #Very long rant abt my recent feelings because theyre taking up too much brain inventory #i need to write a college essay and stop thinking abt this #i stared writing this word vomit on there and it got to be a lot longer and personal than planned so on tumblr it will go as always #if you do end up reading this long ass bs ignore how much i say 'you'#im not really talking to anyone on specific im just very frustrated and don't know how to write #//vent

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lovenotesuggestions · 5 years

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Is there a way you could tell me all of the 'names' for exclusionist people? Like terfs, or people who think you need dysphoria to be trans (I don't remember the name ;_;) I want to be as inclusive as possible, and thus wanna read and learn more about exclusionists. You're very knowledgeable about the LGBTQIA+ community from what I've seen, at least a lot more than I am, so I figured you'd know at least some of them. I also wanna make it clear who to put on DNI list for my blog.

Thank you for thinking of me to ask, and for trying to educate yourself! Off the top of my head, the main things I can think of to look out for are:

TERFs sometimes also go by ‘gender realists’ or ‘gender critical’ - they’re more likely to self-identify as terms like those rather than as TERFs because they consider it a slur (it’s not). Also look out for people with things like XX or ‘adult human female’ in their bios or usernames - it’s TERF shorthand for identifying themselves as ‘real’ women. You may also see the term TWERF - trans women exclusionary reactionary feminism. Some people interpret the R to stand for radical, but reactionary is more accurate.

The folks you’re thinking of who think you need dysphoria to be trans are called truscum or transmedicalists. On twitter especially you often see them with crossed sword emojis or lightning emojis in their usernames/bio, which they use to indicate themselves as fans of K/alvin G/arrah (censored bc he and his fans tend to namesearch him to harass people who call him on his shit) or storm ryan, who are two particularly virulent truscum youtubers. Ofc not everyone with these emojis are people like these, esp with the new pokémon game that just got announced, but I tend to be cautious of it.

People who exclude ace and aro folks don’t tend to have a specific name - they tend to self-identify as ace exclusionist, though some self-identify as aphobes (which like... blows my mind when they claim to just not think aces/aros are LGBTQ+, but are happy to call themselves openly discriminatory and hateful towards ppl for having an orientation?? anyway that’s a can of worms for another day). They usually only refer to themselves as ace exclusionist, but this also extends to aro folks too.

Not specifically LGBTQIA+ related, but it’s also worth looking out for SWERFs, which stands for sex worker exclusionary reactionary feminists, whose feminism opposes sex work and opposes legalisation of sex work (particularly full service sex work, which is the preferred way to refer to prostitution) despite evidence that criminalisation of sex work actively harms sex workers, who are disproportionately poor, POC, and LGBTQIA+.

There don’t seem to be any other exclusionist ideologies with specific names (at least not that I’m aware of), but some other common ones to point out are:

non-binary exclusionists, who don’t believe non-binary genders are real (sometimes referred to as exorsexists, which is a name for the specific type of transphobia experienced by non-binary people) or who gatekeep the way n-b people behave, i.e. who say n-b people can’t identify as gay or lesbian, can’t use he/him or she/her pronouns, can’t use neopronouns, can’t medically transition, can’t present in a masculine or feminine way, can’t have typically masculine or feminine gendered names, etc.

people who don’t believe pansexuality is a valid orientation (who think it’s just bisexual for people who want to be special, or who believe it’s inherently transphobic due to a misconception that bi = attracted to cis men and women and pan = attracted to cis and trans men and women, when actually bi = attraction to two or more genders, and pan = attraction to all/regardless of gender - whether or not the people in question are trans doesn’t play into it).

There are even still people who don’t think trans or bi people should be included in the LGBTQ+ community, even though it was a bi woman who organised the first pride parade, and trans women of colour who were instrumental in the Stonewall riots.

There are also a few particular brands of lesbophobia becoming louder recently, including but not limited to: people who assume all/most lesbians are TERFs or aphobes due to an unfortunate minority of vocal lesbians with these views, people who think lesbians can’t be non-binary, and people who don’t think lesbians can use he/him or they/them pronouns.

People who don’t believe others should identify as queer or use/reclaim the term.

If anyone thinks of anything I’ve missed anything off, please let me know! Also, if anyone has any additional good-faith questions, like what particular terms might mean or what I might be referring to at certain points, then feel free to ask them!

Pre-emptive note: This blog firmly believes in the inclusive nature of the LGBTQIA+ community - the history of our movement is based on inclusiveness and unity between the different groups marginalised for not conforming to cisheteronormative standards, and exclusionism has always been a bad thing for us - it’s the thing that made lesbians, bi folks, and trans folks have to fight to be included in the acronym, even though they were the founders of the rights movement. My LGBTQIA+ community is for anyone who isn’t cisgender, heterosexual, heteroromantic, and perisex and who wants to be a part of it. Policing people’s presentation and the way they go about expressing themselves in a world that tries to quash our self-expression is not part of the spirit of the movement that is supposed to celebrate diversity and non-conformity. People being themselves doesn’t make the community ‘look bad’ or justify homophobia or transphobia - the people to blame for discrimination are the discriminators, not the people being discriminated against for rejecting toxic respectability politics. I will not be responding to any discourse on this matter - y’all know where the unfollow button is. Keep it out of the replies and out of my inbox and generally away from me.

#long post #not a suggestion #negative /#homophobia /#transphobia /#queerphobia /#Anonymous #answered

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butcharyastark · 5 years

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since it's pride month, here's some friendly reminders to:

remember to use the new rainbow flag with the added black and brown stripes. acknowledging and not erasing some of the most vulnerable people in our communities is mandatory, not optional.

not lump pan and polysexual people under the bi flag. pan and polysexual people are not subsets of bisexual and deserve to be represented by their own flags.

not lump all nonbinary people under the trans flag. we are indisputably trans and we are represented by the white stripe in the trans flag, but most nb people prefer using a different one specific to their identity. it's not just a preference, it's also how we know that you aren't exorsexist. make an effort to visibly include nonbinary people please

also ^ not just lump all nonbinary people under the nonbinary flag either. "nonbinary" is an umbrella term and while for some people it's their chosen main identity, for a lot it's not. many don't even identify as nonbinary, but as genderqueer. i personally identify as genderfluid first, and nonbinary second. i would like to see my identity represented in lgbt+ content this month, and not as an afterthought. make an effort to include genderfluid, genderflux, agender, neutrois, demigender, genderqueer and other nonbinary ppl please.

in general just do more beyond just the lesbian, rainbow, bisexual, and trans flags if making a flags post. you don't have to know every single identity there is out there, but you should know there is vastly more to our community than just those four identities and communities. just. make an effort, especially if you're cis.

unlearn transmisogyny in yourself and point it out to your friends. transmisogyny is an insidious form of bigotry that everyone learns from a young age, and no amount of performative "fuck t*rfs" posts will do shit if you don't actually understand how and why to fight it. transfem people deserve better than they've gotten from the rest of the lgbt+ community and we ought to be supporting them.

don't forget aro people. people go out of their way to include ace people but forget aromantics! they deserve to not be erased from our community just as much as asexual people but get only half the effort. remember them in your pride posts this year.

don't forget intersex people. they aren't just an extra letter to tack onto the end of some version of the acronym, and aren't just a pawn to use in arguments about other lgbt+ discourse. they're real people who deserve visibility. actively research intersex issues and terminology and learn about them if you're perisex.

and of course, just remember pride is for ALL of us, not just skinny, white, attractive, abled, LG people. make an effort not to inadvertantly erase fat, disabled, neurodivergent, poor, non-western and non-white lgbt+ people. boost their voices. all of us deserve representation and visibility.

happy pride!!

#my post #lgbt+ stuff #pride #pride month #this is just a reminder and fyi bc ive seen some of this the last week #i know intersex ppl are kinda a debate re: being lgbt+ but as far as i know as a perisex person some intersex ppl want to be included and #some dont so this is 4 the intersex people who are lgbt+. the ones who consider themself part of the community belong here if they want 2 be #and should be remembered

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boojersey · 5 years

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VIC DO ALL THE ASKS BC I LOVE U AND WANT U TO HAVE FUN

*SWEATS* AYE AYE CAPN

cw for like some common lgbt+ topics such as dysphoria violence discrimination etc just. tread carefully if u get triggered easily by bad lgbt experiences

What do you identify as and what are your pronouns? -im a gay trans man and my pronouns are he/him but they/them is also acceptable!

How did you discover your sexuality, tell your story?-oh wow i originally thought i was a lesbian because i didnt even know what transgender was i just thought wishing i was a man meant i was butch and then i met my friend donnie in eighth grade who told me he was trans and it was kinda a huge slap in the face but with a sack of gay bricks? and i found out i dont like women through actually having sex with cis women and finally realizing it. really wasnt for me so now im just a gay man as opposed to queer as an umbrella term but i periodically refer to myself as such

Have you experienced being misgendered? What happened and how did you overcome it?-oh yea i literally was misgendered today i just kinda brush it off but it can be hard sometimes especially when people know im trans and do it

Who was the first person you told, how did they react?-i first told donnie about my gender, it was a thing where i went to bed the night i met him and was like .. wait holy fuck and then the next day i was like BRO HOLY FUCK but sexuality? i dont really know???? it was so long ago it was honestly probably my group of friends on kik that i had in 2013 (u were included in that mister!!!!)

Describe what it was like coming out, what did you feel?-im not actually fully out but the first time someone who was an adult knew about my trans-ness was what really set in for me the fact that i could come out one day; my friends mom referred to me as seance (and like. obviously she respected my gender she has a trans kid) but it was just super jarring bc no adult had known yet abt my identity in any way and as a result i was rlly glad it was nighttime in that car bc i cried almost immediately; the first time i came out on my Own was to my cousin and he laughed in my face so that was pretty damn awful and its kinda funny cuz the bastard is bi so u would think hed have been accepting but n0pe!

If you’re out, how did your parents/guardians/friends react?-im out to my friends now ! and the reception was generally positive bc i think i do an ok job at picking ppl to be around in terms of morals so there was little bad reception

What is one question you hate people asking about your sexuality?-i hate when ppl ask if im gay as in for men or gay as in for women because im trans, i am a man so when i say im gay i feel like that should be easy enough to put 2 and 2 together but when they ask that i feel as if they still view me as a woman

Describe the style of clothing that you most often wear.-emo of the gods themselves it is absolute scene and emo vomit and i love it; its seriously hard for me to wear dresses and skirts without dysphoria and just general discomfort but i own a couple anyway bc theyre cute i just. never wear them

Who are your favourite lgbt+ ships?-my main thing at the moment is gerard/frank/grant morrison bc i love poly fics very dearly and gerard/bert because bert mccracken deserved better than gerawrds internalized homophobia lol

What does makeup mean to you? Do you wear any?-makeup to me is an androgynous thing so i wear eyeshadow a lot and lipstick sometimes, eyeshadow is easier on my eyes than eyeliner bc im allergic to a lot of makeup thats on the heavier side so if i put on eyeliner my eyes will water and burn throughout the day but with eyeshadow im mostly ok; other opinion is that makeup on Anyone can be sexy as hell if they do it for fun and wear literally what they truly want and not just what they think is accepted or what they Should wear

Do you experience dysphoria? If so, how does that affect you?-oh yeah my dysphoria is pretty debilitating if im gonna be honest; i used to have very little problems with it because my hold on reality was loose at best (before i was medicated to clarify) but now that i am almost completely Here my dysphoria is pretty bad and even just like. the knowledge that i have breasts is pretty awful; a few weeks ago i put on an outfit that i have to wear a victorias secret bra to fit properly in and just one look in the mirror had me sobbing and i had to change my clothes before i could leave the house and i havent worn a bra since because just the thought of showing off my chest makes this stark fuckin dread shoot through my veins but i also have dysphoria in regards to my voice that i discussed at my last trans therapy group meeting actually ; my voice has a tendency to bounce around my octave range so sometimes ill be like. excited then hear what i sound like. and ruin it for myself immediately u kno? im not even gonna talk about my dicksphoria bc thats just. awful.

What is the stupidest thing you’ve heard said about the lgbt+ community?-ohhhhhhhh my god u know what? ive heard..so much .. that im gonna instead take this opportunity to mention my mother genuinely thinks dnd is satanic

What’s your favourite thing about the lgbt+ community?-the fact that were so strong. we are so fucking strong we deal with violence and opposition constantly and at staggering rates yet we stay strong and we continue loving through all of it, whether its in dark corners in secret or loudly in the streets we continue loving and do so with all of our beings because we know its our own truth and well gladly go to hell if it means we got to love on earth (not that everyone believes in hell or the idea that us gays go to hell but my point stands)

What’s your least favourite thing about the lgbt+ community?-we have this audacity to create divide (to the fault of mostly cis white gay men thank u very much) when what we need to do is love each other because we are different but at the end of the day we all need to remain in tandem and as a family or we will never get to where we need to in terms of acceptance and that means being uplifting and protecting our trans sisters of color, our disabled lgbt members, our autistic lgbt members, our anything past cis white gay man because we all need recognition, we all need love, and to exclude any letters of lgbt is to tear ourselves down and set ourselves on fire

Have you ever been to your cities pride event? Why or why not?-no :((( no one would drive me in the past and i dont think ill have a way to get there this year either

Who is your favourite lgbt+ Icon/Advocate/Celebrity?-brian molko! my bisexual, androgynistically-inclined father who birthed me at the tender age of 16 when i found placebo

Have you been in a relationship and how did you meet?-ya theres been a few and i dont rlly like to talk abt my relationships with anyone unless theyre online relationships so im just gonna leave it at that

What is your favourite lgbt+ book?-pantomime by laura lam! its one of if not my favorite book to this day

Have you ever faced discrimination? What happened?-y a every damn day bitch ! example is when i was deadnamed by my psychiatrist while she knows full well what my name is the other day; another is the countless times i get called a lesbian ???? and when strict lesbians ask me out i get a very bad taste in my mouth (i understand full well that sexuality is fluid, these are lesbians that spit the ‘penis is gross blegh’ rhetoric)

Your Favorite lgbt+ movie or show?-uh im just gonna say preacher bc its my favorite show altogether n cass is bi/pan/something similar

Who are some of your favourite lgbt+ bloggers?-@ble3dmagic is my boyfriend in crime (not rlly thats a joke) and @musicalsense is my sunburnt Brother

Which lgbt+ slur do you want to reclaim?-queer! i also use f*ggot a lot when talking about myself and my friends that are ok with it

Have you ever gone to a gay bar, or a drag show, how was it?-i went to a drag show and it was so amazing and one of the first times i felt accepted in my own community that i cried

How do you self-identify your gender, and what does that mean to you?-well i identify as a man with no leaning towards womanhood or nonbinaryhood in any way, its just . man . but in terms of Expression i am quite androgynous bc i can rlly appreciate femininity (NOT the same as womanhood) and being a man to me means just that ive always wanted to grow up with that “gender role” like i always wish i was raised as a stereotypical parent would raise a son and ive always been more interested in stereotypically masculine things and people since i can even remember and i feel like puberty was just this unpreventable spiral into something i didnt want. i didnt want it at all . this is tmi but when i got my first period i cried my eyes out bc the idea of being called a Woman repulsed me so much and since i didnt even know that being trans was a concept i was just this scared puppy full of confusion and fear aimed at myself because all the stuff i heard i was supposed to be proud of the change but i wasnt i was so ashamed of it and the idea of being called a woman made me sick to my stomach and i just wish i could go back in time and hold myself and tell me itll be alright

Are you interested in having children? Why or why not?-absoLutely not i hate kids (and by that i mean i hate being around them and the culture that surrounds having children; i do not treat kids like shit and i do not act like hating children is a personality trait; i get migraines and usually the second a child starts screaming or crying i am on the floor of my brain writhing in dire pain and i have absolutely no desire to support another human life when frankly i cant even support myself; its also just not a lifestyle i want to live)

What identity advice would you give your younger self?-god so fucking much. so fucking much. so many things i wish i could say to myself

What do you think of gender roles in relationships?-i think if someone wants to adhere to them then hell yea go ahead just dont expect others to do it or try to tell other people its a Norm or something; theyre for the most part christian in nature so i dont have any desire to follow them myself, i want a relationship (if any) thats more of a coexistence if that makes sense, like. roommates plus dick

Anything else you want to share about your experience with gender?-i always used to anxiously chew on the idea that my chest dysphoria is just me holding disdain for the shape and size of my breasts but let me tell you. the second i put on my binder for the first time i immediately started crying because i was so overwhelmed by the fact that i was looking at something one step closer to myself and i know full well i am never going to have that doubt again. this week has been exponentially cathartic and therapeutic for me

What is something you wish people know about being lgbt+?-i want the cisheteros to know that nothing they learn about us is new. everything about us has been around for so so long but has been silenced and erased to the point where a lot of us dont even know many things about our rich and beautiful history

Why are proud to be lgbt+?-honestly? its hard for me to not just straight up say im not proud of my identity. its taken me years to stamp down the plain grieving toward my identity and wishing i could have the easier path but frankly? the fact that i am choosing this path of hardship and hell on earth just to be who i truly am i think speaks volumes of my pride in my identity at this point; further back in my archive by a few years my posts are littered with sentiments of bitterness wherein i stated that i hate being trans and not just cis but i like to think ive finished hating myself for my identity. i like to think im proud now. to ask me why is to ask too much of me, all i know now is that i am proud and thats enough for me right now.

#LONG POST #KAY I LOVE U BUT HOLY SHIT MY FOLLOWERS ARE GONNA GET MOTION SICKNESS FROM SCROLLING PAST THIS AT LIGHTNING SPEED #saltwaterfox

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canallynwrite · 5 years

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I bring asks: 2, 4, 7, 12, 13, 17, 26, 29, 30

thank you!

2 - HOW DID YOU DISCOVER YOUR SEXUALITY? TELL YOUR STORY.

for context: i’m biromantic asexual!

i was one of those kids who didn’t even know that it was actually possible to like girls as well as guys, so i only really discovered the lgbt+ community after i entered middle school and got access to the internet. the first time i actually thought about being anything other than straight was when my friend came out to me as bisexual. now, my first (or second, whatever) thought was: “does she like me?”

and nobody wants to be the person who thinks their not-straight friend of the same gender is into them just bc said not-straight friend came out to them, so after doing some research i did some self-reflection and realized my actual feelings were more akin to something like: “i hope she likes me.”

for the rest of the year i tried to convince myself that she was the exception to my straightness and was definitely not crushing hard on her. then at the end of the year i started dating someone who, after we dated for a week or so, came out as a trans dude, and i sort of just accepted my bisexuality. the last bit probably doesn’t make sense, but he was in the middle of figuring out his gender, so for a while he identified as a gal and that was when i first really acknowledged that yes, i am indeed very not straight. him coming out as trans just hammered my bi-ness. looking back on it, there were many signs that i was not straight at all. i just had zero language for my feelings!

my asexuality was just always there, tbh. i found out about asexuality after i accepted my bi-ness so as soon as i learned what it meant i just went ‘yah, that’s me. i’m ace.’

4 - WHO WAS THE FIRST PERSON YOU TOLD? HOW DID THEY REACT?

uhhh, apart from the dude i was dating, probably the aforementioned friend who’d come out to me as bi. she was really happy for me and we celebrated my first coming out experience together!

7 - WHAT IS ONE QUESTION YOU HATE BEING ASKED ABOUT YOUR SEXUALITY?

i try not to get mad at ppl asking questions, bc i know that it is Quite Possible to not know much about sexuality (for the longest time i didn’t know ANYTHING) but biphobic and acephobic questions in general really get my goat. yes, asexuality is a thing that exists; no, i’m not going to cheat on my partner just bc i’m bi.

12 - WHAT’S THE STUPIDEST THING YOU’VE HEARD SAID ABOUT THE LGBT+ COMMUNITY?

tbh, any time a straight person starts talking about the lgbt+ community like they know everything about it and are Great Allies i have to roll my eyes. jordan, you’re straight as uncooked spaghetti and cisgender, please stop pretending your opinions have any authority here just bc you read a few articles on gender/sexual fluidity and have a gay friend or two.

but, on a more well-known note, the stupidest thing i’ve heard would definitely have to be anything that those assholes who claim that the lgbt+ community includes pedophiles have ever said. that idea is both stupid and enraging.

13 - WHAT’S YOUR FAVOURITE THING ABOUT THE LGBT+ COMMUNITY AS A WHOLE?

i’ve seen lgbt+ people say a lot of stupid shit, even against other sexualities (especially against asexuality), but as a whole the lgbt+ community is extremely accepting and seems to have so many little niche corners for every possible interest or hobby. like, u want lgbt+ writers??? u got it, pal. a group lgbt+ athletes??? u may have to look a little harder than for the lgbt+ writers but damn, they’re there! blogs about lgbt+ animals in nature??? yes, that does exist!

it’s such a large community, filled with so many different types of people, which is what i love about it!

17 - HAVE YOU BEEN IN A RELATIONSHIP? IF SO, HOW DID YOU MEET?

i’ve been in two! and am currently in,,,, something? it’s a little complicated. we both know we like each other (and i wish we were dating!) but we haven’t “””officially””” decided to go out.

the other two were a) some dude i broke up with after two days lmao; we won’t talk about him, and b) the dude i talked about earlier! we met on a roleplaying forum for ppl in our area when we were younger and really hit it off. i asked him out two or three months after we met, and we were together for about six months before going off ‘n on. we “””officially””” broke up after a year or so bc he needed some time to himself for his mental health.

26 - WHAT IDENTITY ADVICE WOULD YOU GIVE YOUR YOUNGER SELF?

well, for pre-middle-school me i’d sit her down and give her an hour long lecture on the lgbt+ community and recommend her some books w/ lgbt+ characters. she doesn’t know that being bi is possible so i’d also pull up an irl bi person as an example. for questioning!me, i think i’d just advise her not too push to hard against the idea of being bi. if you continue to like girls (and you will) then that’s okay and not something to tear yourself up about.

29 - WHAT IS SOMETHING YOU WISH PEOPLE KNEW ABOUT BEING LGBT+?

a) we are, in fact, a very wide spectrum of individuals, and stereotyping irl people does not help anything. being interested in women does not make me super butch; it makes me, me.

b) being lgbt+ is most certainly not all peaches and if you act like it is then you are Very Wrong Indeed, my friend. tbh, i don’t have much for this point besides complaining about that one straight person who called themselves an ally but still tried to police who i came out to and implied that if i wasn’t okay with having my sexuality shouted out to the world in the middle of a crowded cafeteria then i must be repressing myself. so, yeah, don’t be like that person, kids.

30 - WHY ARE YOU PROUD TO BE LGBT+?

how persistent lgbt+ people - of the past and present - are. throughout every age and every culture, no matter if lgbt+ ppl are oppressed or accepted, you will find lgbt+ people. some are harder to find, because of hate towards people like them, but look hard enough and you will find them. even when lgbt+ people were persecuted, they were there. even in places where they could still be put to death today, they’re there, and they’re fighting.

the pink triangle was what nazis marked gay men with in concentration camps, but lgbt+ people, most notably the AIDS movement, have reclaimed it, taken it back and turned it into a positive symbol for lgbt+ people.

and that is why i’m proud to be lgbt+. to stand with these people is an absolute honor.

#lgbt+#biromantic asexual #queer-coding #the pink triangle #pride month #ask me stuff!#asks #alessia-writes #tw: queer #my thoughts #yikes i wrote a lot #lgbt+ pride #well #have fun reading!#lgbt+ asks

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dykespreads · 6 years

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Maybe youve already brought it up, but don't you believe Bi/Pan sexualities can coexist? I mean, as a Bi person I identify it as "Attracted 2 multiple genders, but attracted to different aspects of them", and I know many bi ppl who identify it a bit differently, but I've seen a lot of Pan ppl describe their sexuality as "Attracted 2 mltpl genders, with no real difference inbetween" and I think thts perfectly fine? When Pan ppl r transphobic or biphobic I ofc speak up, but a lot of pan people 1/2

Are generally okay, and at times they're just uncultured abt bi history, thinking the straight definition of us is true. A lot of people might find the term more comfortable & that is perfectly fine, as long as they understand the more accurate definition of bi meaning "multiple genders" and can respect our history. The problem as I see it, is when Pan people REFUSE to listen to us bisexuals definition of bisexual. I might just be mistaken but reading "calling out pan ppl" made me curious. 2/2--------the problem is that pansexuality is inherently biphobic bc it strips bi people of their history culture and identity as well the rise in popularity of pansexual has really hurt the reputation of bi people and perpetrated a biphobic definition of bisexuality that has led to many bisexuals not even being able to define their own identity much less speak up for themselves and pansexuality also has a horrifically transphobic origin and many pan people like to other trans people as a third category to be attracted to as well i feel like if you're not bi or trans you really don't get a say on if pansexuality is bad / hurts bi/trans people or not because this whole debate hurts us (bi and trans ppl) the most. like if you understand that they are the same why do you think its okay for bi people to continue to get fucked over by a sexuality that we literally already include and are the precursor of.

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hypersexualityfeels · 7 years

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(not a feel) ufshjsjd how did you find out your sexuality, being hypersexual?? where does the disorder end and sexuality begin? its So Difficult hh

it IS difficult, it takes a lot of self-examination and self-defining tbh like, the first step honestly is just not letting anyone dictate your sexuality but you which may be one of the hardest things

so i am an aromantic gay man who has had sex with women before and honestly will probably continue having sex with women because of how my hypersexuality interacts with my sexuality

the reason i don’t just identify as bi or anything else, and how i really figured it out and decided to continue as i am was a process that looked like the following

-i acknowledged in myself that i do not need to be sexually attracted to a person to have sex with them.

-i acknowledged that sexuality = who i am sexually attracted to, and that’s it

-i acknowledged that i have always been sexually attracted to men, i’ve always ever engaged in romantic relationships with men (altho i am aro and it turns out they are not for me), i am far more satisfied when i am with men, the idea of being with men feels right

-i acknowledged that my hypersexuality makes it so that sexual attraction is not a factor when deciding who i will sleep with

-i acknowledge that while i’ve been aesthetically attracted to women before (which is such a useful term) i’ve never been sexually attracted to them, nor can i even try and imagine myself in a committed sexual/romantic relationship with them, save for a few exceptions

-i express a lot of emotions through sex (i think you’re hot = i wanna bang. i think you’re pretty! = i wanna bang. i hate you = i wanna bang)

-when i have sex with women it is out of compulsion and there is not much driving it besides the need to have sex

-any flings i have involving women also involved men in some way or another, meaning it was a lot of very misplaced sexual tension between us, and also alcohol was involved, so that negates a shitload tbh. i have a very hard time imagining myself hooking up with a woman sober

-even if i have a fling with a woman i would never have any sort of instinct to engage in a committed relationship with them

and, the most important factor

-i don’t want to be bi, because i don’t FEEL bi

i’ve always viewed things like sexuality and gender as a decision. not a choice, but a decision to choose whatever path i’d like to pursue.

some people would label my willingness to have sex with women as proof that i’m bisexual, and that’s fine. in some people, that’s just how their attraction works! they can decide to go as ‘bi’ if they want to! but i saw how i felt and how i experience attraction and decided that women just don’t do it for me, and that men do.

i decided that the lack of romantic attraction i felt for men meant i was aromantic, and decided to stick with that, and decided to not pursue romantic relationships anymore because i was aromantic.

i decided the dysphoria i felt meant i was trans, and decided to transition, and from that moment on i was just me.

i think it’s a lot easier to just treat it like that instead of something that falls into your lap that you suddenly have to organize because, tbh... not only is sexuality and shit fluid, it’s also just a mess in general, it doesn’t always fit into nice easy boxes. i can be a messy confusing gay to people and that’s fine by me because i know i’m gay because i decided i am and any actions i take because of my hypersexuality won’t affect that!

and who knows.. maybe i’ll discover later that i rly do have a sexual attraction to girls and that it just happens to be less intense than my attraction to other ppl!!! and that’s fine! i’ll just decide at that point to go by the ‘bisexual’ label than ‘gay’. it can honestly be that easy :3

#questions and answers #i hope... that helps aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa #it also helps that i know i've only ever been with girls cuz uhhhh #... threesomes... haha #never been with a girl solo idk what i'd even DO...#Anonymous #ask tag

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