#So I’m gonna be depressed again and feeling bad

[astral-catastrophe]

Being the way I am, I ignore the shit I haven’t processed, but now I’m crying because I don’t want to go to camp

#Last year I was alone #Like earlier I mentioned that I was so upset with being alone that I cried almost every time I wasn’t with someone #Bc it was the first year without my best friend going #Then my next closest friend came to camp late bc she was on a cruise #And she said she felt bad bc she didn’t know I was lonely #And even tho she and the crush are both gonna be there this year #I’m gonna feel so fucking alone bc the bad memories always creep in and I don’t want them to hear that. #I don’t want to go #last year sucked #And it was at the height of my middle of the summer depressive episode #which is coming back #So I’m gonna be depressed again and feeling bad #And I keep remembering my grandpa #Gods I miss him #I keep thinking that he’s still here but it’s been four fucking years #And I had an anxiety attack this morning because I saw someone who looked like my ex best friend #So I’m not doing okay #And I’m alone at home crying #After nearly two weeks of always having a friend right next to me #I want to stop existing

[cherrysnax]

I’m 23 and I still feel stuck. younger than young. older than old. most importantly, I feel stuck

#bwaugh #I think it’s cause Covid struck at the end of my teen years and then nothing was the same #I’m. sick #and I’m tired and I’m happily in love and I’m terribly lonely at the same time #I’m trapped in my safe space but it doesn’t feel like prison because I’m here on my own accord #mostly #I want to live but I also don’t want to live enough if that makes sense #I’m so angry at life that I’m numb for the most part #and I feel like I’m being punished for being depressed #I think. this is just internalized ableism and I’m mourning a life that k was never gonna have #and now I’m like. going thru the stages of grief and varying intervals #I’m very self aware I just wished it helped more #I’m getting so good at understanding my feelings ^_^ so that’s progress #but yeah. I wanna live so bad I wanna die. so I can live again

[dadbots]

August… time to get spooky.

#dadbots.txt #this has been in my draft for... almost a month. Yikes. #I’ve been dissociating hella hard these past months or something. swear I don’t remember time moving this fast. maybe it’s just me tbh. #idk what to say about July other than… boring? not much happened and I don’t really remember it if I’m honest. just. mm. shrugs. #best way to describe it LOL #been sleeping a LOT lately and I think it’s fatigue again. was it like anything before? no. not at that rate (yet) but just. #where you wanna sleep and sleep and sleep type of fatigue. you never feel rested and just gotta sleep it off kinda. #just one of those moments yknow. #it sucks. all I’m doing is letting the days pass me by and ‘missing out’ on living life when I could be enjoying it. but I lost interest - #- in doing so for months - years now due to personal health matters. And whaddya know - it came back again. after months of healing. #I'm pretty pissed as it does feel like a slap in the face. but you win some - you lose some. Gonna try and fight through it. #I wrote something at the beginning of august but that got deleted. Had a breakdown and thought huh. what a great way to start the month - #and now it's almost september. Just like that. What a month it's been. Stuck on what else to say but that really. #don't want to keep talking about depressing stuff as that's what i used to do and realized hey. maybe you should stop doing that so often #and not use it so casually in humor and/or stuff. Even though I reblog vents here n' all. but yknow. #maybe it is hypocritical. but that's not the point. Just want to reflect and see if i've changed since coming back to the web after a year. #not like it's going bad. just wished this year was a bit more optimistic. Last year was rough & i'm afraid this year will be another repeat #though I did come out to a family member this month and that was like a punch to the gut. Considering my status with them and all. #won't get into that. for now let's just say i'm not too close with them. An impulsive choice on my end but hey. it went well. #and that's what matters tbh. My younger self would've thought i was actually insane. like to even DO that? really? #shocking. I'm still not over that moment. Probably one of my biggest achievements this year. #I'll update this if anything else comes to mind. none of this make sense and that's ok. clearing my mind right now. #let's see what september has in store for me. Hopefully it'll get better as things slow down w/ winter on its way. #hope y'all enjoyed your summer. 🖤🤘🏽

[yoohyeontual]

I’m suppose to paint but my moral is so low right now…

#i Need to do it today cause I forced my dad to go buy the thing so I could do it yesterday (but I slept 5h I was afraid of making mistake) #but I didn’t so I need to do it today cause it will take more than a day and I seriously need to find a job #my health is on line two now I need to go for my eyes and that cost money money that I don’t have at all #i feel like my body is dropping me like how can it be possible to have so many problems at the same time ????? #like they are all pretty minor I’m not gonna d*e but it still really annoying especially when you wanna live your life #but you don’t have force to do it #Sowon also needs food again and I’m not sure if my parents can help me again… I’m loosing my mind #also my brother feeling depress and I feel like my dad cares so much about it more than mine ???? #maybe he dosen’t realise it or maybe I don’t show it as much so that would be on me #but without having end up in the hospital I feel like I’m at pretty much the same level as him 😐 #except that I force myself to enjoy what I love so I don’t end up worst than I am which he stopped doing #there’s already a gigantic favouritism on my dad side with my brother so maybe I’m just crazy and scared my dad end up feeling the same way #maybe it’s just being scared of it and not the reality idk but it’s messing with my brain so bad I’m tired #but also I can’t even tell my dad one of the biggest reason I got depressed in the first place but at this point he would tell me to get #over it I’m pretty sure 🙄 #anyway I’m gonna go paint I guess #wish me luck for everything it seriously need to stop 😭 #alex.txt #tw negative #tw negativity

[acrochetedgundam]

.

#sorry y’all I’ve honestly been super depressed #bad time to be an environmental science/climate educator #and a parent of young children #we’re not gonna act in time #we’ve known what to do for decades and it’s just becoming so apparent that we’re just not gonna do it #because profits or whatever #and I’m just so tired of fighting it #and thinking it’s gonna change #and while realistically I know it’s not completely hopeless (yet) #it really feels that way some times #anyway #that’s where I’m at these days #hopefully it wont take me too long to get my mental health right again #honestly I’m starting to hate summer because this happens almost every year now #tag rant #delete later

[milo-is-rambling]

I am so high I love you dabs I love you big bong rips I love you huge heavy bong I love you only having 20 dollars to my name and no plans but getting high and ignoring it I love you oh no I’m thinking about it

#I want to take an ice cold shower and scream and smoke a whole pack of cigarettes and lock myself in a closet for 72 hours in the dark with #no distractions to figure out what I actually want to do with the rest of my life and to face every bad thought I have and struggle to #ignore even years later like ugh I just need to be at the bottom of the ocean floating sinking alive dead in between for like a month and #then pull me back up and either I’ll be normal or I’ll be so fucked up they just put me back in there #like either way I am vibing at the bottom of the ocean (I have been desperately imaging a sensory deprivation tank all day) #(put me in a fucking sensory deprivation tank until something in my fucking brain rewires and I get worse or better than I am now this #inbetween stage is fucking killing me like what do you mean I’m not a horrible person but also what do you mean I struggle every day but I’m #normal but I have things about me other people don’t and alienate me to the point of near total isolation but also this is just how humans #are and I need to take meds and actively struggle to fit into a perfect little box of what a person should be like god damn I am so tired of #getting better and worse and better and worse and better and worse and better and worse and I’m miserable and I’m happy and I’m sobbing and #I know a month from now I’ll be depressed again or I’ll be the best I’ve ever been and it’s so fucking horrible to be in the middle stage #where I actually have to step up and admit shit is wrong and face it like why can’t I just lay in bed forever until I become the bed and not #like get a job and have a future. ugh. depression is so fucked esp bc most things in my life are normal I guess or like easier than my #friends like we all have seperate challenges but I’m the only one still living off their parents (ha. parent. forgot for a second.) and the #only thing wrong with my life is the mental health issues but I won’t step up and deal with it bc I feel like I’ve been depressed for so #long I like fucked up the foundational shit and like I know it’s fine but also I feel so behind and I feel like I’ll be behind and unhappy #forever even when im happy I know the next depressive episode is right around the corner and I give up again. ugh. I hate knowing that’s #what’s wrong with me but still not having the energy to step up and fix it. im so pathetic I want to cry. my brain is me but my brain is #destroying my life. anyways. im high and now im sad and have dry mouth. I think im gonna drink ice water and change into shorts+lay in bed)

[bbreaddog]

.

#personal #I’ve been off my meds for like 2-3 weeks already and I’m suffering so much #idk when my psych has a free time available #my next appt with them is in fucking OCTOBER #am i supposed to just be depressed to all fuck until then? #I’ve had to change my whole work schedule so that i can recover both physically and mentally #but i know that’s just gonna make things worse for me mentally in the long run #idk what to do #i feel so hopeless #i feel so helpless #doesn’t help that mum thinks it’s a good thing I’m no longer ‘putting unknown chemicals’ in my body anymore #and then proceeds to try and heal my religion-related depression with religion lmfao #i know she’s trying to help but fucking hell #how am i supposed to tell her that the thing she loves the most is the thing that’s traumatised me the most #AGAIN #once is bad enough #but it’s gonna be worse if i don’t tell her a second time soon #uuuugggggghhhh #yeah… #it’s not a good time inside my brain or body atm #can’t believe i have to live here

[professionaljester]

i’m coping so well i’m doing so well at keeping my mental health symptoms in check

#abc shut it #i wanna lash out abt stuff so bad but i’m not bc what good is that gonna do me #but god my raw reaction when i’m feeling crippling depressed over things is to just get aggressive #(haven’t been doing a perfect job but i think i’m doing better) #but again i wanna lash out but i refuse to let that happen gamers we are COPING

[maldito-arbol]

It’s time for Mal to Talk in the tags again because I’m too tired to do homework or write so I’m gonna use my energy for this

#ranting online is kinda therapeutic since I can’t get therapy? ok so I just wanted to mention this and ramble #i about cried talking to my himbo friend over the phone the other day because he told me. the day I read that chapter (well. 1/4 of it) #to my discord server in the vc he came in and checked on me a few times and he said he hasn’t seen me look that happy in so long and it #hurts because I had to end that event early because I couldn’t breathe but I had so much fun talking to ppl and doing the reading bc I get #✨dramatic✨ and shit and yknow overall it was just such a great experience except for the not breathing part (the gods are punishing me for #the Bye Bye Air Collar from WJH) and anyway it just reminded me all over again how Unhappy I am constantly. i have spent my entire life #being treated like complete dirt by family and friends and bosses and coworkers and classmates and everyone under the sun so the second i #feel appreciated by Anyone I break into tears it’s So Bad. so like I enjoy going to work because even tho it’s so tiring and it’s so hard #dealing with customers sometimes I love it anyway because like. i feel appreciated there. by my boss and a handful of coworkers at least. #and that’s so much better than being in this house and feeling like I’m the devil’s spawn all over again sent to ruin everybody’s life by #merely existing. so work is a double-edged sword because it’s another source of Pain but it’s ALSO an escape which is Totally Healthy but #then there’s my fanfics. writing what I wanna write and sharing it with you guys and tormenting you and my blorbos is a kind of happiness I #will never find anywhere else. reading that to the server was one of those moments of pure euphoria even if I was plagued by Stage Fright #at the same time. so yeah. it really really really deepens my already horrid depression that I can’t write and I can’t release content rn #bc it means that source of pure happiness is gone with it and I’m left feeling all worthless again. idk how to fix all this. idk if I can. #I’m just so so so tired;;;;; #i forgot where I was going with this I feel like I keep repeating myself but anyway that’s all for now I’m gonna go see if I can cry #oh! one more thing. i haven’t talked to my Blood Family (apart from my sisters and Rarely my dad) SINCE I GOT KICKED OUT but last night my #aunt called me and we talked about my mother and she had a breakdown to me over the phone so I remembered all over again what it was like #living with my mother and maybe realized I never actually processed any of that trauma. it’s all just coming pouring out thru my writing. #all the Abuse themes going on in CMTO? 100% projection so sorry u had to witness this guys 💜 but anyway she told me I rlly helped validate #her own feelings and apologized for crying to me ab this but I told her what I tell everyone—that Crying Is Good For The Soul #and maybe that’s why I’ve been crying so much lately. because I need to. and I need to stop holding everything in. my friends are genuinely #worried and I somehow convinced myself that they have better things to do than listen to my whining. so anyway I’m gonna go cry 💜 #for self care purposes. ok done for real this time see y’all soon next time I decide to rant in the tags again #mal rants

[astral-catastrophe]

I think I’m gonna watch owl house for the rest of the night

#So early good night #My chronic pain combined with pain from tripping is killing me #And anxiety is bad #So I’m gonna watch owl house while doing the constellation decals and I hope to fall asleep before two am #So yeah #i feel like shit but it’s the simple tasks keeping me from losing it #It’s just been one of those weeks where I feel very worn out and depressed #But that’s fine #its normal #its most likely my anxiety just getting bad #anyways #good night #jays being dumb again

[cherrysnax]

I don’t think my remake fatigue is only pointed at REvil honestly. it’s like everything is a remake or a reboot or whateva

#like I really really loved the remakes we have #3 was the weakest link but it was rlly fun #we haven’t finished 4 yet but I know it’s gonna be one of my fav games ever #but #idk it seems like everything has to be a remake or a reboot or a reimagining #there’s always adaptions and stuff and those r cool #this is also my fault for not branching out ironically enough #idk I think a lot of media banks on nostalgia not that it’s a bad thing #but like do sumn new #it’s like how I’m not burnt out in superheroes I love superheroes #I’m burnt out on big budget mcu films #I loveeed the Batman and it rlly felt the most accurate on screen batman ever so it’s clearly not just about originality #idk #I want to consume less media but as an artist I need to #witch hat atelier felt like. idk it made me feel like a kid again #it’s weird I can watch shows over and over again. but I think I’m growing out of that now #maybe it’s just a byproduct of getting older #or maybe it’s just my depression #yknow that guy was right. I do talk more clearer in my tags #I spose that’s something I oughta work on

[gregmarriage]

i have GOT to stop cursing myself for my mental health not being good, or for having literal human emotions, (as if i didn’t suffer a manic episode literally two months ago and i’m still recovering and healing from it)

#okay but literally why was february the longest month of my life and march was five seconds long? #and now april is going fast too #my dad has being going on about our holiday for like months and now it’s less than two weeks away #i’m anxious about it tbh #it’s my first big trip in like almost five years #and like i wanna go i wanna live my life #bc i know if i stay home i’ll regret it #but every time i think about going i feel a little nervous #for reasons that i don’t even really know #residual manic depression feels and the internalised ableism that *reallly* got bad during said episode is making me feel sick with nerves #a lot lately and i don’t know i want freedom and independence and a life and i’m trying so hard and ehhhhh #idk i repeat the same shit a lot but it’s a big problem but it’s not something i can change but that doesn’t mean i just stop feeling bad #about it #‘healing isn’t linear’ yeah fuckin tell me about it #idk if i dip in and out that’s why #not that most people would really notice or care #but if you’re interested yeah wow gwen’s off on a weird one again! big surprise! #i take the piss to cope but anywaysssss #just feel like a clown lately like ‘honk honk’ that’s me #said i wasn’t gonna curse myself for feeling bad then immediately did #i’m trying to unlearn that amongst many other things sighsssssssssss #anyways whatever

[getoutofmytardis]

insane that i’m the biggest disappointment of a child for smoking weed but the child that’s emotionally abusive is fine

#i??? do not understand my parents #like ok yes it is bad that my room smells of weed and is messy #but! #feels real fucking weird that my mum gets more upset with me about that than my sister being the literal devil incarnate #and not in a fun way #like dinner last night i literally did not say a single word bc me. just speaking. apparently triggers izzy and i think i literally just #acknowledged a joke being made and she started her whole. you need to leave. get out. you’re the problem. everyone hates you. shtick #and my mums response is can you just be nice to each other #??????????? #GIRL I DIDNT DO A FUCKING THING #I KNOW YOU DONT LIKE CONFLICT AND THE CONFLICT APpArENtLy ONLY OCCURS WHEN IM PRESENT #(it doesn’t. she’s even worse to my mum but mum never. fucking does anything about it #which yeah i do get bc defending urself or literally just saying or reacting in anyway than what The Devil wants you to ends up a mess) #but maybe use two fucking braincells and realise i’m not the worst one here?? #i’m actually gonna go insane #also it’s like. lowkey so funny that mums disappointed bc she thinks i haven’t been smoking for months #which i have!! u just haven’t fuckin realised it bestie!! so maybe the reason i am being depressed and useless rn is related to uhh the #fucking demon that’s living in the house again??? #not because weed is so evil and brain rotting?? #also like i do completely get how silly of me it is to blame everything on my sister when i am aware that my mum hates me smoking weed and #i shouldn’t get a free pass just because my sister is worse than me #but also. #i would like a free pass:( #basically! i should move out lol #but unfortuately i have spent all of my savings #can’t wait to spend 12 hours in the car with all of them tomorrow!! #ah you know when u look back at the times you were gonna kill urself and wish you just fucking did #vent post

[zainmalik]

.

#rant incoming #ngl i haven’t been feeling the best re: mental health these last three days #depression has suddenly gotten bad #and it’s taking a toll on my love and enjoyment of louis and harry #and it scares me because they’ve been safety for me #but to look at pictures and listen to music and feel nothing is wrong and weird #and it’s slipping into other things too like i’m scared of going numb #i hate the anon i got about louis being racist and harry being a terrible selfish person who only cares about money and stunting #like these aren’t true but my stupid brain keeps replaying it over and over again #on top of that fucking intrusive thoughts coming full force like just gifs me a fucking break i am begging at this point #i just hate it so much #all i want to do is sleep #goodnight #gonna turn everything off but dw i’ll be okay i have to be i believe i will be. just like i got out of it before i’ll do it again #jackie.txt

[whimsydingbat]

…

if you read this and the first post, I sincerely apologize. you’re getting a hard look at the deepest recesses of my mind, open agape and oozing my most vulnerable thoughts I could ever reveal. they’re words that I need to be said, written. I find I don’t ever learn my lesson unless I talk about it. so, I hope those who care enough to read are receptive.

#she starts not responding as much #she gets a new job. she’s getting busier #she’s bad at communicating though. she told me herself #I respect it. I still text her but I don’t expect a response right away. that’s the mature thing to do right? we’re grown! #I wasn’t sure to what extent she meant that. keep that in your back pocket for later in the notes #anyway flash forward to THIS WEEK. I see her post a tiktok of this guy who looked somewhat like her soon-to-be ex husband. #in the caption she calls him her handsome sweet boy and that she needed no one else #my heart: eviscerated. I am about to faint. I am serious as a heart attack in saying all of this. #regardless of whom I may have mistaken this man for. it wasn’t me. and while we never made time to discuss what we wanted to be #or anything in regards to relationships #aside from us calling each other babe and saying we love each other. feel it needs to be stated: she started it. it doesn’t matter much #I loved her too. I didn’t realize how much I still loved her until we started talking again. it hit deep upon realization #on mobile so can’t read the tags fully so idk where I’m at. I confront her on it after she says she’s been on a “affection bender #crux of the whole shit is I told her I don’t want a relationship if she’s gonna post her side piece on tiktok. much less see other men #it hurts she’s would do that. but. I extend empathy. I always will. #she’s not in a great spot. she seems somewhat mentally unstable. she’s on the autism spectrum I learned. manic depressive 2 if memory serves #I loved her all the same. I think I always will. it’s hard not to. I’m convinced she’s my soul mate #but how do I know that. that’s just intuition. and what kind of soulmate? there are 4 kinds and she may be the type to teach me a lesson #anyway. back to being the lost soul I already was. time to snap out of my delusion and get back to the grindstone #maybe that’s where I’ll find my purpose. and kindle the love for life that romance and partnership likely never will #it seems like a perilous journey. that didn’t deter me before #I shouldn’t worry so much #there’s freedom in knowing it won’t get better. even more so I’m letting go of expectation #I’m fucking kidding myself. if I could I’d spend the rest of my life with her and that’s just how I feel. and I’ll love her and care for her #valiant efforts to do so at the very least. #I would dead serious uproot my life in Georgia and move to Cali to be with her. at the drop of a pen I’ll be going breakneck speed down I-10 #just to feel her pelt my face with spit while she holds hands with the sweet boy she met. #I am a deeply depraven creature starved of any intimate connection. the one woman I know I could have that with doesn’t want me. #and I’ll let it go. I have to. there has to be more. I’m worthy and I know it. #it’s hard to internalize and know that. that’s where the work needs to be done.

[jackpotsadmon]

big warning bad vent in tags

#gamma’s static #vent #so. a lot of things have been happening the past couple days and i’ve fallen back into a feeling i haven’t had since i got hospitalized #that one friend i have who is much more capable than me kept talking about how good he is at handling something i had just said was #extremely difficult for me and i know he didn’t mean to upset me but it just kind of broke me #i felt extremely depressed yesterday and then today again when i got home from class. i feel intense anxiety and fear whenever i’m out of #bed and yesterday i thought my roommates all wanted to hurt me which isn’t true #i don’t know what to do. i started getting bad thoughts and i’m not gonna do anything because i couldn’t do that to the rest of the system #and my mom and my brothers but i just feel so done. i don’t feel like a human being #i just want to be as capable and normal as the rest of my classmates but i’m just not and it brings me back to so many bad times #suicide mention #hospital mention