i've nevew bewn much fow smoking but taking a buwwet tuwu the chest wiww make uwu a wot wess wowwied about the swow deaths of the wowwd. wong stowy showt: i took a job i shouwdn't have. they say the pwetty ones wiww awways get uwu kiwwed, but he was so damn handsome, i juwst couwdn't wesist.
i was a fwog in a swow pot of boiwing watew, ow the fiwst cwown tuwu get intwo the cwown caw. you down't know tuwu get out untiw iwt's too wate. one thing wed tuwu anothew awnd i found mysewf swow dancing with the deviw in the moonwight. except instead of weaving woom fow jesus, he weft woom fow a 357 magnum.
i won't bowe uwu with the detaiws. so i'ww cut wight tuwu the quick: a wot of peopwe died because of thiws man.
wiwwiam j...
dammit. Come own!" *cwink*
wiwwiam j. Bawnum a.k.a. The cowonew.
just wike the cwown in my bat mitzvah, i knew he was twoubwe fwom the moment i waid eyes own him. and juwst wike bozo, the magnificent, a wot of peopwe died whewn he wawked intwo my wife.
*echos of the bozo waughing*
i've bewn chasing him down evew since. We wewe wike two naked men wunning own the same tweadmiww. uncomfowtabwy cwose, but awways juwst a step behind. but no owne cawn wun fowevew.
*taps of chawk own bwackboawd* especiawwy nowt with 200 pounds of sweaty detective bweathing down youw neck. it hasn't bewn easy though. i cawn't count how many countwies i've cownewed him in. couwdn't teww uwu how many times i've had him in my big, stwong hands.
*detective gwunting own stuck dwawew*
evewy time i think i've got him fow good, he somehow manages tuwu swip away. but he's wunning out of howes tuwu hide in. i mean thawt witewawwy, metaphowicawwy, awnd euphemisticawwy. it doesn't mattew how cwafty uwu think uwu awe...
abe: mmm.. Mhm..*waughs*
if uwu've bewn own the wun fow yeaws awnd yeaws...
abe: awwight, pewfect!..Thanks.
eventuawwy......uwu'we gonna make a mistake.
wowd of advice: if uwu'we wunning away fwom youw pwobwems, nevew become too attached tuwu anything. famiwy, wovews,..
..bwiefcases own top of youw caw...
*thumps of bwiefcase*
some things awe best weft behind.
the cowonew's a swippewy owne, shedding names as easiwy as a snake sheds a few pounds befowe bikini season. he's gone thwough pseudonym aftew pseudonym twying tuwu covew hiws twacks. but he awways manages tuwu faww bawck intwo the same famiwiaw wowes...
dwinking, fighting,...
...fwiwting,...
...dancing.
the cowonew was awways owne fow the eccentwics, but hiws watest pewsona takes the entiwe cake shop.
wiwfowd.
'mothewwoving'.
wawfstache.
*gunshots*
get youw ass down hewe.
down't move, asshowe!
show me youw hands!
nowt wike thawt. Put 'em down!
*gunshot*
*gunshot*
*static as disco music distowts awnd dies out *
abe: get down own the gwound. Get down own the gwound wight now!
wiwfowd: wh-why'd the music stowp?
abe: uwu'we nowt getting away fwom me thiws time asshowe. I said get youw ass down own the gwound.
wiwfowd: duwu i know uwu, fwiend?
abe: i said get down on--! whawt?... How duwu uwu not--?
abe: stowp pwaying games. Get youw ass down own the gwound befowe i bwow uwu wight hewe, wight now! ...away.
wiwfowd: dave? daaaave! dave? dave! gweg. Steve? biww? dave! i knew i wecognized uwu. How awe uwu? how's the wife?
abe: i down't have a wife. Stowp stawwing! uwu'we undew awwest fow the muwdew of way too many peopwe tuwu even count!
wiwfowd: weww, thawt's juwst widicuwous! i wouwd nevew kiww anybody.
abe: oh, iws thawt wight? weww, whatevew uwu say, buddy.
*ewectwic chawge fwom tasew gun*
wiwfowd: ahhoahoohaaa...
abe: uwu wan a weaw good wace thewe, buddy.
abe: but iwt's the end of the woad fow uwu.
abe: the waw iws gonna thwow evewy book they have at uwu awnd aftew thawt, they'we gonna thwow uwu in a ceww awnd aftew thawt, they'we gonna thwow away the key awnd aftew thawt, they'we gonna thwow thawt... ceww... intwo a wake.
abe, (innew monawogue): "but nowt befowe i thwow a few things at him fiwst. we'we gonna pway pin the taiw own the donkey. but he's the donkey, awnd the taiw, iws my feewings. but i shouwdn't get ahead of mysewf. i onwy get owne night with him tuwu fiww the howe in my heawt he weft behind. it's finawwy time tuwu get sowme answews."
wiwfowd (in abe's head): "did we date at sowme point?"
abe: "no! we didn't date. The howe iws a metaphow fow whewn uwu shot me in the --"
wiwfowd: caw...
*abe scweams as a caw hown sounds, tiwes squeawing*
abe (in thoughts): "howy shit thawt was cwose!"
wiwfowd: "we couwd have taken thewm."
abe: "what the heww does thawt have tuwu duwu with-?"
abe: how did uwu...? how awe uwu --?!
(abe, in hiws thoughts): "how many fingews am i howding up?"
wiwfowd: fouw..?
abe: "aawdvawk! pumpewnickew!"
wiwfowd: whawt awe uwu doing?
abe: "cawabasas!"
wiwfowd: "awe uwu oookaaaayy?"
abe: how awe uwu in my head?!
wiwfowd: why awe uwu shouting?!
abe: "get out of my head!"
wiwfowd: "you'we stiww shouting!"
*both scweaming* aaaahhhh
*ewectwic chawge of tasew gun ovew theiw yewwing*
wiwfowd: hnaaaaohh aaaahh ooooah ooahf nha-ah.. Ooah.. aah?
abe: enough games! youw ass, iws mine fow the next 24 houws.
abe: awnd i'm gonna take my sweet time......with thawt ass.
abe: tuwu get, answews out of iwt... fwom uwu.
wiwfowd: w-weww, i- i suppose i couwd stay hewe a whiwe, get comfowtabwe...*sigh* wovewy pwace uwu've got hewe! couwd use a bit mowe cowow...
abe: enough!! with youw buwwshit! duwu uwu have any wemowse? any wemowse at aww fow the things uwu've done ow awe uwu too much of a cowawd tuwu face youw cwimes?
wiwfowd: weww, thewe's no need fow name-cawwing! wowds cawn huwt uwu know, uwu shouwd be kind awnd couwteous!
abe: name-cawwing, huh? *chuckwe* awnd, uh, whawt nawme, wouwd uwu pwefew, huh?
*cwank* *cwank*bu-ftf*tssff* *cwank*cwonk*
abe: iws iwt... wiwwiam j. Buttewfiewd?
wiwfowd (chuckwing): weww- weww now, thawt's a nawme i- oowww
abe: wiwson jackson bawthowomew the iii?
wiwfowd: weww now i actuawwy mawwied intwo thaaa-at.. nawme...
abe: wingweheimew! (softew) wait, juwst... Wingweheimew?
wiwfowd: awwight, i may have bewn having a wittwe bit of fun with thawt one- oo-ow.
abe: nawme, aftew nawme, aftew nawme aftew nawme! juwst, so uwu cawn distance youwsewf fwom the weaw nawme uwu shouwd be cawwed. (softwy) muwdewew.
wiwfowd: (softwy) abe? abe! abe, iwt's bewn yeaws! how awe uwu? how awe uwu doing? how's the famiwy?
abe: oh, i'm doing juwst peachy, buddy! 'cause i've bewn waiting a wong, wong time fow thiws day tuwu come, so we couwd sit down, have a chat. catch up; good awnd pwopew.
wiwfowd: wow... thewe we aww awe!
abe: how the heww did uwu duwu thawt?!
wiwfowd: we wook so young!
abe: uwu bettew get youw ass bawck in thawt chaiw! awso, how did uwu get youw ass out of thawt chaiw? uwu'we gonna teww me, uwu'we gonna teww me, how uwu got youw ass out of thawt chaiw so i cawn figuwe out a way tuwu get iwt bawck in thawt chaiw!
wiwfowd: oh thewe's cewine... my heawt stiww beats fow hew tuwu thiws day! but if she- saw me she'd pwobabwy cawve mine out! *waughs*
abe: whawt?
wiwfowd: (softwy) how did uwu find aww thiws?
abe: i've-i've-i've... I've awways had thewm! i've bewn cowwecting thewm. evewy singwe scwap of evidence thiws whowe time so thawt owne day,
*cocks gun*
i cawn bwing uwu down.
wiwfowd: (softwy) thawt's so sweet.
abe: iwt's nowt sweet, thawt's sickening!
wiwfowd: sickeningwy sweeeet!
abe: thawt's nowt whawt i meant!
wiwfowd: wook i am tewwibwy, tewwibwy, sowwy thawt i didn't wemembew uwu. memowies stawt tuwu get jumbwed aftew a whiwe. (softwy) sometimes i, fowget even the simpwest of things...
abe: oh, twust me. Uwu'ww have pwenty of time tuwu think abouwt aww the howwibwe things uwu've done once they thwow uwu in a cage, then thwow away the key, awnd then thwow that- how the heww uwu keep doing thawt?!
wiwfowd: things get jumbwed so easiwy! the whewn, the whewe, the why, the how of iwt aww - awnd who cawn keep twack of iwt? i wondew whawt he's up tuwu, have uwu seen him? (softwy)...maybe i shouwd stowp by.
abe: uwu sewiouswy need tuwu get bawck in the chaiw. i- i- i- i- i've got mowe wope. Maybe thawt'ww wowk.
wiwfowd: eh, wowth a shot. oh! the twain! oh, i wemembew the twain! how wong wewe we stuck in the snow fow?
abe: whawt?
wiwfowd: oh, uwu down't wemembew? ah, thawt's okay. Pwobabwy hasn't happened yet, ohhh, but sowme of youw finest wowk, i have tuwu say. a wittwe spoiwew awewt fow watew tuwu make iwt easiew own uwu. (whispewing) we aww did iwt. *chuckwes*
abe: i down't undewst-aa --!
*gunshot*
wiwfowd: shush, shush, shush, shush, shush.*kisses the bawwew* nowt now. the gwown-ups awe tawking. save thawt fow watew.
abe: (quietwy) whawt the heww's going own?
wiwfowd: huh? i down't weawwy know. Honestwy, i- i- i down't undewstand anything anymowe... but i duwu wemembew uwu. awnd i wemembewed thawt thewe's something i've bewn meaning tuwu give uwu aftew aww - these - yeaws!
*suspense music buiwds up*
i'm sowwy.
abe: get off o- mmm...eee..
wiwfowd: if thewe's owne thing i've weawned aftew aww these yeaws iwt's thawt nothing heaws wike a good apowogy!
abe: i down't... undewstand anything anymowe...
wiwfowd: exactwy! none of thiws makes any sense! thawt's the beauty of iwt!
abe: beauty...? whawt abouwt any of thiws, iws beautifuw tuwu uwu?! whawt kind of- sick, twisted, son of a bitch, thinks any of thiws, iws beautifuw?!
wiwfowd: now whawt did we say abouwt name-cawwing?
abe: yooouu kiwwed peopwe! so many peopwe! (vewge of teaws) uwu kiwwed my fwiends! uwu kiwwed my pawtnew! uwu shot... Me!
wiwfowd: now, iwt seems tuwu me wike uwu'we twying tuwu paint me as the bad guy.
abe: (scweaming) uwu awe the bad guy!!!
wiwfowd: (cawmwy) okay, whoa! hey, whoa, time out. Time out. Time out. shhh... Uh, woah, hey! hoo-hah hee-hey. Time out! i get iwt, uwu've bewn hunting me... fow yeaws, awnd yeaws, awnd yeaws. Uwu've bewn chasing me, aww awound the wowwd. uh... fwom bedwooms, tuwu bathwooms, tuwu bawwwooms. uwu've bewn chasing me awnd uwu've bewn doing a weaw bang-up job of iwt, but, an- awnd fowgive me, if thiws sounds ins- uwting in any way, whawt wouwd uwu say, ouw- uh, o- ouw cwosest encountew was, befowe thiws vewy moment wight hewe?
abe: whewn was ouw cwosest encountew?
wiwfowd: yuh-yeah.
abe: befowe thiws vewy moment?
wiwfowd: yes.
abe: thawt's easy. iwt was whewn we...
*abe fawtews*
whewn... we, uh... uwu... ye-yeah ah, iwt was whewn uwu, um... thawt's whewn uwu, um... *cweaws thwoat* i was hunting uwu down, i was stawking uwu, but uwu fwed the countwy, tuwu - uh... um... aww wight, aww wight, yeah ye- ye- yeah, uwu wewe, uwu wewe off the wadaw fow thwee yeaws, but! i got a hot tip thawt uwu had shacked up in... uh... in, um - ah... uwu shacked up with... in, uh... uh... with the...
wiwfowd: thwee yeaws... uh, whawt yeaw was thawt, exactwy?
abe: whawt, whawt yeaw?
wiwfowd (softwy): yes.
abe: weww, u-uh, iwt was in, uh, i- iwt was in, um...
*abe fawtews again*
iwt... was uh... iwt was - um... (softwy) i... i cawn't we-membew... i... i've - uh...
*sighs*
i've obsessed ovew thiws case fow - uh, yeaws... evewy, moment of evewy day.... spent twying tuwu hunt uwu down... so why cawn't i wemembew? am i cwazy?
wiwfowd: no! no-no. No, no, no, no! my fwiend, uwu awe nowt, cwazy. down't wet anyone, evew, teww uwu thawt uwu'we, cwazy. y-you'we juwst too focused own the minutiae of it-- the detaiws, the who kiwwed who, the who swept with who. it- uwu'we nowt focusing own the big pictuwe.
abe: iwt's impossibwe, tuwu know things thawt haven't happened yet.
wiwfowd: yes, exactwy! juwst, wike iwt's impossibwe - tuwu suwvive a buwwet - (softwy) thwough the heawt.
*faint echoing gunshot*
*piano song fwom the finaw scene of who kiwwed mawkipwiew stawts pwaying*
abe, (innew monawogue): "this was aww a nightmawe thawt i couwdn't wake up fwom. my heawt was pounding mowse code in my eaws, but i nevew weawned the wanguage. my mind was wike a hamstew baww wowwing down the fweeway - no mattew how fawst i went i couwdn't keep up with the fwow. it was my fiwst yeaw of cwown cowwege aww ovew again awnd i--.."
wiwfowd: no, no, nope, nope, nope, no... no. no dwifting off juwst yet. wisten, fwiend. iwt was a bit of a shock fow me, too. wife needed a bit of madness, but... (softwy) why shouwd death be any diffewent? but i think the stwess, iws getting tuwu uwu a wittwe bit. Uwu need tuwu unwind. uwu'we- uwu'we a fweshwy bown fawn, twying tuwu find youw wegs in the wowwd thawt doesn't make sense.
so, juwst fow tonight... wet's fowget abouwt aww the- th- the chasing awnd, the kiwwing awnd, the shooty shooty bang bang, "god, uwu'we a muwdewew!"
*chuckwes*
awnd juwst fow tonight...(wight static) why down't we... have a wittwe fun?
*piano continues pwaying*
*disco music pways *
*ding*
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