#adam saving Lawrence and still having to die | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

timegays · 11 months

Photo

Saw au because Augh-

(Ignore the broken arm thing on the first pic that’s only supposed to be on the second.)

Skull means they die in the end

Plus post trap injuries

Elaboration under the cut!!

I should specify that they are not carbon copies of the characters they are based off kinda just. Parodies? You’ll get it.

Mischa-Adam. Young rapper in college just trying to get big. Photographs things he thinks would be cool album covers. Was put in the bathroom trap because he "wasted his time on a fruitless dream.". Head and neck scars are from when he hit his head on the toilet in that one scene. Yea. He also had a scar from getting shot by Noel. He got out alive tho after Noel came back for him.Doesn't work for jigsaw. Goes to Saint cassian college

ocean- strahm. Detective in the saw case. Grumpy and as stressed as strahm. Just graduated college recently. (Saint cassian college. In fact all the kids went to the same college.. Has the same hole in her throat from the water cube trap. Dies the same way as strahm does.

Constance- Perez. Ocean's partner in the saw case. A bit more anxious about jigsaw but not afraid to take action. Scars from when the doll exploded in her face. Was killed by Ricky I just haven't decided what happens yet <•_•>. Noel- Lawrence. Majoring in law because his parents made him. Was put in the bathroom trap because he "always is a tool for other people and never does anything for himself" Got out after cutting off his leg. Karnak made him an apprentice and he helps Karnak not get caught since he knows the law so well.Went back to save Mischa but Mischa doesn't know he's an apprentice. Lives in the end to continue the jigsaw legacy.

Ricky- Hoffman. Shhh lemme explain. Ricky is a college student working on being a writer. He was very interested in the jigsaw killer. After being enraged by someone stealing and publishing all his work without giving him any kind of recognition he took things a bit to far. He put the person into a copycat trap. (What trap? Idk.). Of course Karnak was not please and tested Ricky the same way hoffman was tested (I’m still deciding if it’s the same or diff test). Ricky the starts working for Karnak by helping him set up blueprints, build, and write the tapes. He kills Constance and Virgil. Noel kills him in the end the same way lawrence did to hoffman. Watched over Ezra when penny disappeared. penny/Jane doe.- Amanda. Went to college for some time while watching over her little brother, Ezra. She was put into the reverse bear trap (which also connected to her neck in the au) for supposedly not appreciating her life. After a severe head injury when getting out of the trap she lost pretty much all her memories. She doesn’t remember anything about herself including Ezra and her name. Karnak took her in and renamed her Jane. She works as an apprentice by helping with getting the victims and keeping the doll instance/setting it up.

Karnak- the jigsaw killer himself. Was a rollercoaster builder previously. After one of his coasters went awry and crashed, killing the passengers and injuring him. He was ridden with guilt and a new sense of life. He puts people into traps to make them appreciate what life they have left and to not destroy it like he did. Feels he has control over who lives and dies. Gets killed in the end similarly to John. (Haven’t decided the specifics of all that because he doesn’t have cancer but anyways-)

Virgil- Jill. No. Karnak does not marry the rat. I just wanted to include Virgil because I thought it was funny. Was just a rat in the warehouse before Karnak found him. Karnak became attached to him and personified him after being alone for so long in the warehouse. He knows all of jigsaws secrets and everything that happens. Dies in the end to Ricky’s hands because Ricky kinda began to lose it and blamed Virgil for everything that happened to him for some reason. Ezra- Daniel. Teen who was living with his sister before she disappeared. Doesn’t know what Karnak did to her. Ricky takes care of him now that his sister is gone. Dedicated to finding out what happened to his sister and what the big deal with the jigsaw killer is. Mischa meets him later on and helps him try to figure it all out. He eventually finds out Penny is alive but she can’t take care of him anymore and barley even remembers him. He now lives with Mischa for the time being.

279 notes · View notes

agentperezbian · 6 days

Note

Anyway, what are some examples of Adam's kindness in the film? /gen

Unfortunately, because pretty much every scene of Adam outside of the bathroom (besides his kidnapping) didn't make it to the final cut of the film, I'm mainly going off of the original Saw script as well as deleted scenes from Saw 3 for my assessment of his character. Which means you can dismiss everything I say if you want, because only what makes it into the movie would be considered canon.

That being said, I like to consider the outline of Adam's character we see in the script as well as the scenes written and filmed for later movies to be indicative of Leigh's vision for the character, and not something to be tossed out just because they ended up on the cutting room floor.

The scene where Adam, who states how far he is willing to go to get money for food, gives his last bit of milk to a stray cat is a big one for me. He states that he likes how "non-judgmental" the cat is. Which I think alludes to Adam being harshly judged by those around him and maybe even avoided by others due to the way he's perceived. We learn that Adam used to want to be a vet in the script, and these two factors together seem to indicate a large love for animals and a desire to help and care for them. Adam in the script definitely shows nurturing traits.

We have the cut scene from Saw 3, a flashback of Adam and Amanda running into each other in their apartment building. Adam compliments Amanda's hair and tries to get her to open up a little. He's awkward but polite, and seems to feel bad about potentially making Amanda uncomfortable. He seems to flounder a bit but doesn't get upset even when Amanda barely says a word. He's handing out flyers for Scott's band, spending his free time giving them free promotion despite the fact that from what we learn, Scott doesn't seem to value Adam's friendship much. This, to me, is more evidence of Adam going out of his way to help others, with seemingly no reward for doing so.

Adam, to me, displays a very self-sacrificial personality. He seems to not really value himself very much. John calls him apathetic and it's very much true, but he isn't apathetic to others. He's apathetic to himself. Even when he tells Lawrence "facts" about him they all relate to things other people have done to him. I think he very much sees himself as a passive observer in his own life, which is why it's so easy for him to hide behind a camera. When he kills Zep, it's to stop him from killing Lawrence. Despite the fact that Lawrence had just shot him. Really, it would be more beneficial to let Lawrence die and continue to play dead - it would be safer, and allow Adam to attempt to escape. But he saves Lawrence anyway. In the original script John calls Adam a pawn, and i think even without him outright stating it this theme is still very much present in the film. The pawn is never meant to achieve greatness. The pawn will never be able to satisfy its own wants. The pawn can only elevate others.

#sorry for taking so long to reply to this #saw #adam stanheight #anon #ask

24 notes · View notes

bringmefoxgloves · 1 year

Text

the thing about the saw movies is that they are perhaps the horror movies (aside from lake mungo and a few other notable exceptions) that so clearly show ‘the dead haunt the narrative’ idea.

aside from the obvious, of adam haunting the entire narrative through lawrence, there are so many others. the dead might die, but they continue to have a place in the narrative. as bodies in the bathroom (they just keep stacking and stacking, leaving different impressions on the space, different memories for the viewer). as numbers in the killing total of the jigsaw murders, lingering as little more than another bloody death, another facet of terror, but they still leave holes.

the dead, perhaps the most of all, act as motivators for the living. examples of horrible fates they wish to avoid, people to save. there’s the dead girl haunts the narrative trope at the center of mark hoffman as a character with his sister, there’s the death of a child as a motivator for john kramer (if you accept jigsaw as part of canon, the death of a nephew as well). the death of a child again in the delon family. there’s the death of a father, that drives a child to murder in brent abbott and the threat of death of another child in the matthews family.

the man who studies the dead, adam heffner, the mortician who has worked on all found victims of jigsaw and thus knows the secrets of the dead, the secrets of jigsaw, is killed by mark hoffman leaping out of a body bag, hidden among the dead. the dead keep their secrets and haunt the narrative and the living aren’t allowed to know them.

peter strahm’s hand is taken by mark hoffman, a puppetry of the dead, using the dead as a cover, as a scapegoat. peter strahm is there long after his death. his partner, lindsey perez, comes back from the dead, and is killed again for it.

john kramer’s death (along with all those around him: amanda and lynn and jeff) is the capstone of saw iii and saw iv opens on his body. his body holds a tape, literally a messenger of the dead. saw vi has perhaps the most telling line in it, spoken to mark who is already haunted with the dead, as he stands over john’s body:

“You think it’s the living who will have the ultimate judgement over you, because the dead will have no claim over your soul.”

#saw #saw meta #thank you thrumples for the quote and the sawtauls for indulging me while y'all were tearing apart apprentice logan

154 notes · View notes

holidaydesigns · 7 months

Text

My Saw X thoughts

“I have a few hobbies” okay

Knowing what happens later on, seeing John all happy that he’s going to live makes me want to claw my eyes out

I was in love with Amanda in this movie she’s my wife btw

Her calling Cecilia a bitch was the realest part of the movie I think

The sounds when Diego was cutting the bombs out of his arms were making me wince so bad

I just know they had Lawrence working overtime for these traps

I mean if he was even on the team at this point idk

VALENTINA WAS SO DISRESPECTED she was the nuuuurse bro she didn’t even do that much but she had to cut her own leg off only to die anyway and then Cecilia used her intestines as rope and THEN they used her fucking head for that dummy

Valentina and Mateo’s deaths were similar in the way that they did what they were supposed to but since they hesitated, they couldn’t win

Cecilia urging everybody to participate in their traps is very sinister knowing that she wanted them to die

Amanda caring about Gabriela is so sweet, she saw herself in her for sure. I was so happy when Gabby lived

AND I WAS SO MAD WHEN THAT BLONDE DEMON WHITE WOMAN JUMPSCARE KILLED HER

“YOU SICK BITCH” Amanda was like my inner monologue throughout this movie I stg

I obviously knew that Amanda and John were gonna make it out but the whole part with Cecilia and her boyfriend who I can’t remember the name of had me scared bro

I was tapping my foot and sweating in the theater

Cecilia was fr just despicable for bringing Carlos in dude

It was so sweet when Carlos tried to save John and then John tried to save him

Imagine Adam and Lawrence in the trap they were in though I actually loved that trap

That was such a satisfying ending besides the fact that Cecilia lives

I reallllly see how this sets up Amanda’s thought process in the 3rd movie, with how everyone died but the truly truly evil one, and even after Cecilia saw all those ‘friends’ die she still remained that way

John and Amanda were so father and daughter in this movie

I was so expecting Hoffman to say epic fail

He’s the real epic fail

I LOVE SAW X

#Saw #Saw x #Amanda young #John Kramer #Mark Hoffman #Cecilia pederson #saw x spoilers #Gabriela saw x #mateo saw x #Valentina saw x

66 notes · View notes

pinkfoxsodas · 6 months

Text

Warning Saw X Spoilers of John Kramer Take

I will admit I am bias because I’m still angry about what happened to my fave character Adam, but I can’t help point out the flaws of Jigsaw’s own hypocrisy. However, just because I’m going explain why I think John is kind of a hypocrite, doesn’t mean I hate the character; in fact I think he’s the most interesting villain of the series. I just can’t stop thinking about this because I’ve had this opinion on John Kramer for a long time. I think John is a selfish and bitter person because of his situation that he even convinced himself that his actions are justified.

In Saw X, when John was tricked into thinking his cancer was gone, he was drawing one of his latest traps in his sketchbook. But decided to throw it away in the trash because he no longer wants to continue his work. If John truly believed he was doing the right thing, why not continue setting traps now that he no longer has to worry about dying? It proved that John was bitter of his own situation that he was going to die and all these people he believed that were wasting their lives, will never have to experience limited life. It made me think of the timer he gives his victims, like 3 minutes to live and he has 3 months.

And what about the people who have no choice but to be props for someone else’s test? John specifically targets people to test and is willing to sacrifice others for that one specific person. Test subjects like Lawrence, Jeff, William etc. A person’s life hangs on balance of someone’s else’s choice. Amanda had to kill a guy to get the key out to save herself, while he didn’t get the chance to fight for his own life. William had to choose which of his employees he had to spare while killing the others. Lawrence had to kill Adam a stranger to save his family who by the way were also props to Zepp’s test. I’ll come back to Diana later. And the people used as props for Jeff’s test were people that Jeff felt were responsible for the death of his son or let his son’s killer walk free. It was like John never saw them as people. He’s always on about respecting life, but how can he when he uses people as objects for another person’s test? And some of those people didn’t do anything wrong but be related or work for the person that John is testing. Like Joyce Dangen, she didn’t know that Bobby lied and yet when he loses his game she’s the one who has to suffer and die. And John can argue all he wants that the reason those people died was because of the subject failed their test, but that’s not true. John was the one who put them in those traps and kept them immobilized. He used them as tools for that one specific person he was testing. People he believed that deserved to be tested or to be turned into one of his followers. John wanted Lawrence to survive, because he needed someone like Lawrence skills for his tests.

John also has a black and white view of the world. He does not see grey, meaning he doesn’t really try to understand why a person makes the wrong choices in life. But he’s very quick to judge a person’s character just from first impressions, like Adam for example who he deemed angry and pathetic. The whole game was made for Lawrence and Adam was just added there and we don’t have much information on him like Lawrence. And he has a bias on people who have drug addictions. When Amanda tried to reason why Gabriela did what she did because of addiction, Jigsaw immediately shut her down. Yes what Gabriela did was wrong, but she wasn’t as messed up as Cecilia who did it for money and has no problem killing people.John had just said that everyone has free will, but how would he know if he never experienced addiction? Amanda understood because she was just like Gabriela. But it could also be because he still held a grudge against Cecil who was responsible for his wife’s miscarriage because he wanted to steal drugs.

Now the subject to children. I was glad to see that John had humanity to see that Carlos was just an innocent child who didn’t deserve to be put in a life and death situation. But it brings back the hypocrisy when we see Diana, Daniel and Corbett who again are used as props for their parent’s test. Yes they were saved, but they were traumatized through their ordeals and will mostly suffer from ptsd. And Daniel lost his dad and Corbett is now an orphan. And Diana only survived because Allison was able to get out of their restraints and Detective Tapp was able to rescue them on time. If none of that happened, Zepp most likely would have killed them because John told him if he did, Zepp would be given an antidote to survive his poisoning. John I don’t know if he would have given Zepp the antidote if he had killed the Gordon family, because he might have been disgusted by the death of a child. But Zepp followed the rules of his game and John would have just blamed Lawrence for their deaths instead or wouldn’t have cared because again they were just props. Never accepting that he was responsible for kid a dying and would have blamed either Zepp or Lawrence.

I would have said more but this rant is too long and I just wanted to get this off my chest. I do love Saw and I enjoy the characters, but I will bring up their flaws when I’m talking to friends about Jigsaw! And since Saw X made me sympathetic towards John it also reminded how unfair he was towards his victims.

#saw 2004 #saw #saw franchise #john kramer #jigsaw #amanda young #saw x #saw x spoilers #saw x (2023)#sawposting #saw movies #lawrence gordon #adam faulkner stanheight #mark hoffman #jeff denlon #cecelia pederson

27 notes · View notes

tibby · 1 year

Note

will u tell us more ab jigsquad adam immediately post bathroom please :~)

oh you're in luck i was talking about it with claire earlier today.

adam's survival in jigsquad was never part of anyone's plan, not originally. amanda makes the impulse decision to save him because she realises she can't bare to leave him to die so horribly when he doesn't deserve that fate, and because she knows it will secure lawrence's loyalty. mark goes along with it because he wants to anger john and dim amanda in his eyes (cringe! world's worst fridge shaped man agrees to save some greasy twink as part of his elaborate jigsaw legacy longcon but ends up remembering he has a heart instead.) adam gets dumped on lawrence's bed in the makeshift jigsaw warehouse hospital, half dead, and lawrence agrees to sign his life away if adam lives.

and adam does.

so adam wakes up in the warehouse hospital, and things are...bad. his arm fucking hurts and he doesn't know where he is but his instincts are telling him that it's dangerous, and it doesn't help that hoffman is on "keep an eye on adam" duty, so he's greeted by the sight of the world's most off putting man eating cold ravioli out of a can. he's not entirely convinced he's alive, and wonders if he's in hell or purgatory or some fucked up heaven, or just hallucinating back in that bathroom. he gets a few moments of happiness once he realises lawrence is with him, that he’s alive and they’re together even if they’re apparently still playing some twisted fucking game. but then lawrence admits the truth of the situation, that adam was saved so lawrence would become john’s apprentice, and adam really doesn’t take that revelation well. he freaks out, and they end up having to sedate him, and that sort of becomes the routine for a week.

because he is just. so scared. they won’t let him leave because they’re not sure if he’ll go to authorities and also he needs time to recuperate, but being in the warehouse and under the eye of john makes it hard for him to start his mental healing process. and because he keeps trying to escape or swing at them and fucking up his arm in the process so they have to keep him restrained, which isn’t good for adam given that the last time he was restrained he almost died in a decrepit bathroom. they’re sedating him constantly for his own well-being but he doesn’t see it that way, especially with john and amanda lurking around. hard to start your recovery process when the people who kidnapped and tortured you are always around.

they don’t really want to keep drugging him, if only because their sedative supply isn’t exactly never ending (mark’s perspective), but it’s better that he’s drugged and loose and somewhat calm then lucid and scared and angry. he can still be pretty mean when he's drugged, and since lawrence is really the only one adam can be around for extended periods of time, lawrence gets the brunt of the insults and harsh ramblings. says stuff like you should have left me to die instead, and lawrence isn’t sure if adam even remembers any of the shit he says and he’s too scared to ask, but it all fucking haunts him anyway.

so adam doesn't do well at all, not for a long time. not in the warehouse and not when he and lawrence are finally allowed back out into the real world. by the time they're unceremoniously dumped at the hospital almost a month after being kidnapped, adam knows he’s not going to tell. if only out of fear and a loyalty to lawrence. but when the hospital staff tell them that the police want to ask you a few questions, and mark walks in…well. that fucks with adam too. he can’t even be honest when asked do you remember anything after losing consciousness in that bathroom?, because the person asking it has the same empty eyes that greeted him in the warehouse, the same hands that adam saw building torture devices. and adam isn’t sure if he’ll ever be safe again.

his own apartment doesn't even feel like a haven, because that's where he got kidnapped he can never feel confident that he’s alone. he checks rooms and cupboards again and again, spending hours every night to make sure that nobody is hiding somewhere, ready to attack at any moment. he can’t handle being in there in the dark. he has a panic attack the first time he tries to be in his bathroom/darkroom with the door closed, the photos and the bathtub reminding him of who he is and what he’s done and where he’s been. the horrible shit that happened to him and why he deserved it. he throws his camera against the wall on one of his first nights back, unable to think about the photos he took with the flash. he never ate or slept or took care of himself much to begin with, but he just ends up spending most of his days crouching against the wall, shaking with fear and his baseball bat beside him. if he lets his guard down for even a moment then he’ll end up back in that shithole. sometimes lawrence will come by and adam will feel safe again, but then he’ll remember: lawrence is one of them now. and maybe he’s not safe anywhere anymore.

#ask #bestjoycestan #sawposting #jigsquad #adam faulkner stanheight

66 notes · View notes

bathroomtrapped · 1 year

Note

What are the basic differences between saws original script and the outcome? Why did they not play those scenes?

theres a lot of superficial changes, like their ages and adams last name being denlon. honestly still not sure where faulkner-stanheight got confirmed as his last name!

a lot of the things that were cut had to do with adams character and im not entirely sure why it was cut. his reason for being there was because he was suicidal. jigsaw said something along the lines of "everyday youve wanted to die". he wanted to go to vet school and had an interaction with some cat in his apartment. theres a scene where his mother calls, saying his father isnt mad and that he should call them. he writes on a sticky note "call mom" then adds a "?"

he has an interaction with a shitty neighbor, begs god to become a better person

theres probably a few small details about him im forgetting bc its been a while since ive reread the screenplay but the common theme is that the saw movie cut out a MASSIVE amount of context for adams character.

im not entirely sure why, i think some scenes might have to do with cutting down on time (the cat scene would probably get cut for time before filming once they actually start working on the project) vs something that was cut to make the story tighter and change adams role in the story.

he tells lawrence that basically, be hid the photo because he "didnt know what he would do". aka he was scared that itd motivate lawrence to kill him more. not sure why this is cut because some people clearly did not pick up on that lol

basically everything we know about adam is only known to us because it has something to do with lawrence. we know it because lawrence needs to. its unfortunately bc i like adam enough to want to know more but it serves the story better. hes the audience. we know what we know bc adam knows it or learns it. hes the one behind the camera. hes a voyeur. hes literally nothing. he died forgotten by basically everyone and hes just BARELY there in the narrative bc hes just... nothing.

at the end of the day, he was just a pawn. hes not important to anyone but lawrence because this is his story. this is his test and were just the people chained up and forced to watch it play out. i imagine his backstory and personal information was cut for this reason.

during the editing process, there were scenes cut. i know the trap was supposed to be more elaborate originally. i think the cat scene was cut out to save time and the mom scene/motivation/history was cut to firmly center the narrative on lawrence

one change that fucking BAFFLES me is that at the end during the love scene, adam originally asks lawrence "am i going to be okay?". in the film its "are WE going to be okay?" umm im honestly not quite sure what series of thoughts propelled them to make such a gay film by accident, call the end the LOVE SCENE publicly, and then proceed to be shocked when people call them on it? leigh was shocked to see chainshipping fics back during the ff.net days (fun fact: the first ever chainshipping fanfic was published on ffnet called rebirth. its still up)

my best guess is that leigh wanted to push their "relationship" (whatever they think that is) further for more emotional pay off. most of the changes seem to pull their themes tighter. it ends up working in its favor. adam is lawrences test and his moral core or whatever, so they have a pretty instant connection. it was probably done to make lawrence suffer more! or maybe make it gayer and leigh is just doing a bit

theres also the lampshade song lol. some dumb shit leigh made up and cary refused to do, so they changed it to the weird little piggy thing instead. MINOR minor improvement

certain words were changed because cary just kinda... rolled with it. he adjusted the script a few times bc he rly liked lawrence for some reason. he still does. leigh just accepted it and let him do his thing

amanda was also amanda denlon in the screenplay im pretty sure

tapp was dunked on by john as he assassins creed-ed him in the throat for being a 40 YEAR OLD VIRGIN! absolutely insane

the way adam finds out lawrence is a doctor is different, he talks about possibly being injected with rohypnol LOL

the heart was actually a clue leading to the word toilet written over his heart, under his shirt. the blood heart wasnt in the script LOL. i imagine cary didnt want to have toilet written on his bare chest for the film? a shame

theres more interactions with tapp, sing, lawrence, and brett (his lawyer) im assuming its what happened before they asked lawrence to sit and watch amandas testimony. they say his fingerprints were found at the scene, not a pen. i think either way its interesting because. wow! lawrences prints are in the system which means he has a record. the implications are kinda funny, it makes how baffled he is that tapp dare accuse him of such a thing! even more ironic. now we know that mark was involved in the police and planted the pen, so he probably just out his prints into the system as well

amanda works at lawrences hospital. not sure why this is cut? possibly bc shawnee was begged to join bc james had a big crush on her and she didnt even want to originally. she might notve wanted to do multiple scenes or something at the time before she decided on returning as amanda (for whatever reason, im not quite sure why she became so attached to the series after not joining as enthusiastically as cary did after watching the 2003 short)

amandas reason is also different. i think jigsaw literally hated depressed ppl so much in the script bc she was there for therapy or something LOL. not drugs. prob just cut to improve it

thats all i got. theres a lot of changes for logics sake related to the trap, wording changes for flow (im assuming), time constraints, and to streamline the themes and center it on lawrence

#soo much in this #getting saw questions is interesting lol #ive been thinking about the nothing-ification of adam for a while now #hes literally a ghost ! always was always will be lol #larry.txt

42 notes · View notes

blueberrypancakesworld · 5 months

Text

Day.7 Coffin - Sawtober/Sawcember

warning : Angst, hurt no comfort, failed suicide attempts, one kiss

Sawtober/Sawcember masterlist

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How had he gotten here? How had he made it out? And how would he ever get out again? Questions that have plagued the doctor since the incident. Questions that came up again and again and scared him. Questions that he knew would only make him emotional again.

He would throw away the painkillers again just to feel a hint of the pain that reminded him of the pain his love had experienced. The pain the blond doctor felt, the remorse and the penance were for what had happened to the photographer.

He imposed his own hell over and over again as he played the game over and over again. Questions that brought him back to the beginning. To the moment he woke up in the dirty white filthy bathroom.

The darkness around him before he saw him. His heart. The black-haired younger man with the white shirt and the dark shirt tied to the wall opposite him. He saw the fear and the devastation.

He saw how he was even more afraid than he was. This fear combined with the bright, cheeky but also somewhat naive manner was something that embodied Adam.

How they were both not strangers at the beginning, but rather prisoners in a game. One a family man and doctor, the other a single man and photographer who would probably never have met.

But back then, back in the game, they did and looking back, this tragedy was the only thing they would call happiness. How that fear they both felt somehow brought them closer together.

He still knew how his own fear turned into anger and frustration. The frustration of being stuck and dying soon if they didn't cut their foot off with the rusty saw.

The rage and helplessness when he heard his family, his daughter and wife, whom he lost to the law and never saw again. Because he no longer existed. Lawrence Gordon the doctor and husband was no longer alive.

He had disappeared from the scene, the only thing that remained was his severed foot. It would rot and eventually become nothing more than bone and flesh eaten away by maggots and worms.

Only in the bathroom did the memories remain and every time he went back there he saw himself and him lying there.

Like two shadows, two hallucinations, he knew he would never get rid of the trauma. It would stay with him like the memory of Adam's voice.

How he begged him to come back to himself and how he calmed Adam, who seemed even more desperate than he was.

How they argued and became more than friends in that short time. Knowing that when Lawrence almost lost his mind and had the saw in his hand, he cut off his foot. How he had dared to approach Adam, pale and covered in blood.

His cold hand had turned Adam's cheek red from the loss of blood. When he had pulled him close and reassured him that he would come back and that everything would be all right. Before he had kissed his lips, trembling with fear and pain.

When he finally felt the warmth in his heart again before he crawled out of the bathroom. He knew that Adam had saved his life from Zepp when he hit the white tile over and over again on the sick man's head.

Adam killed a part of himself with the murder of Zepp. Just like Lawrence who killed a part of himself and cut off his leg. He had dragged himself along the icy dark corridors.

And with every meter he dragged himself through the corridors, he heard Adam crying and calling. He heard him calling his name wanted him to come back he had to come back for him.

But the longer he dragged himself through the corridors, the longer he was away from Adam, the quieter he became and the less warmth seemed to be in Lawrence. The further he stayed away from him, the less he felt the other.

He could only feel the guilt when he realized that he had shot Adam in the shoulder and that if he took too much time, the black-haired younger would also die from the blood loss. But those were the thoughts that haunted him over and over again when he looked at the object.

He knew that even though he had grown older, Adam would remain beautiful. He would remain so forever. The play of the blood on the white clothes and the pallor was beautiful...for him.

For Lawrence, Adam would be beautiful forever. But for the other two, it was a game of madness and guilt. For Hoffman, the picture he looked at every time he came into the factory was a picture of madness.

A madman as he was in the book, as the policeman had learned. A sick delusion of love through trauma.

When he watched the blond doctor, how he only seemed to need the one room for his medical matters. How the blue eyes focused on the victims but kept going back to the glass coffin.

There lay the man he loved. ,, Maniac Doctor Gordon," he had mumbled, knowing that they couldn't stand each other. But Lawrence ignored him and instead pushed the new victim with the implanted key towards the policeman.

Before he got up and went to the coffin and started talking to Adam like he did every day, talking and talking. Running the doctor's fingers over the glass and wishing he could touch him one last time.

To feel the warmth one last time. Just once more. Because he had Hoffman to thank for the existence of this machine, this actual trap that preserved Adam forever.

And for Amanda, the guilt she saw was not only her own, but also the guilt of why Lawrence did all this. Because they all knew they all knew you couldn't wake up a brain dead person.

All except Lawrence Gordon. She always came to him at the door with an apology on her lips and always stopped her hand in front of the metal. She heard him.

She could hear Lawrence crying, shouting and swearing. She had heard gunshots more than once and had jumped in, but then she found him kneeling in front of the coffin.

The bullet had missed his heart and gone into the wall, leaving a broken Lawrence crying. ,,I'm sorry...Lawrence" she had said so quietly each time that she thought he wouldn't hear.

Because she was the one who had made him brain dead, she was the one who could have saved him and hadn't done it.

She was partly to blame for Adam's being there and Lawrence's pain. Before she ran out of the room she could no longer watch this game of grief. She couldn't bring herself to see him kneeling leaning against the coffin.

Not when Gordon himself could be pronounced dead. Kept alive for Jigsaw's games with the hope of one day having a medical breakthrough.

Only to destroy again and again the pills, tinctures and supplements that did nothing. It had wrapped itself around his heart like a chain and in the end it was the coffin that separated him from Adam.

They had defeated the chain that separated them. But now it was the coffin, the coffin that denied him to Adam and the coffin that kept Adam alive.

In the end, he wondered if it was even worth it. Couldn't he have just died in Adam's arms? To die with the man he loved and not the other way around.

Why did Adam have to die and he had to live when he had promised him. They were both no longer locked up. Why was the game the only game he had to play so unfair.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

@a-reading-dreamer , @megustadilf , @misslavenderlady , @callmeklarise , @mysunfishpeedinmyroom

#sawtober #sawcember #saw #saw movies #lawrence gordon #adam faulkner stanheight #lawrence x adam #adam x lawrence #chainshipping #Spotify

8 notes · View notes

mysterytrainisland · 1 year

Text

you people are so bad at literary analysis of adam from saw, he very much is not doomed by the narrative just so we’re all absolutely clear. “doomed by the narrative” inherently implies a death that serves to fill a narrative purpose and is necessary for the forwarding of the story — this character was never going to survive, not because they were promised death or trapped in a tragic fate, but because the narrative requires this tragic fate of them in order to proceed. that, or the tragic fate is inevitable due to being foreshadowed to or due to previous deaths failing up until the final one. characters that are truly “doomed by the narrative” include:

abigail hobbs from hannibal (nearly killed by her father in order to set the story in motion, then had her murder faked in order to further the plot, then was killed to puncture the status quo and move the show into a new realm)

prim from the hunger games (chosen for the hunger games and replaced by katniss volunteering, but ultimately killed as a way to express how she could not truly be saved with this action)

ginger fitzgerald from ginger snaps (attacked by a werewolf and from then on suffers a personal death that allows her to be perceived as dead long before she’s actually killed; her death in the end is necessary in order for her and brigitte’s codependency to die alongside her - this is also a good reference point for other characters who end a cycle via death)

adam from saw is easily misconstrued as doomed by the narrative, like i perfectly understand why we keep ending up here — he’s in a saw trap, he dooms himself without even realizing, and he dies. the thing is that he was never destined to die. he was given the key, he was given the saw, he was given every exit he was supposed to have access to as part of the game. he just…didn’t use them. he dropped the key down the drain and he chose not to cut his leg off and he didn’t kill lawrence. it’s honestly quite narratively important to note that he isn’t doomed at all, he’s completely and utterly able to escape, albeit by extreme measures. he just doesn’t take them.

furthermore, his death doesn’t serve to further the plot in any way, nor does it motivate any characters or storylines later on. he simply dies because he can die. in fact, he doesn’t even die immediately after not using his chances, he’s killed by amanda to put him out of his misery! there’s nothing here that points to him being “doomed by the narrative”, just him being a guy that happens to die. the fact is that not a single second of saw would be different if he had survived. you really can’t tell me that adam stanheight would chalk that whole experience up to anything more than a very bad day as opposed to a Lesson or Life Changing Event the way it was for other, later characters in saw

if you really really really wanna give adam saw a trope name may i offer up the fridged woman. it’s textually inaccurate as his death wasn’t initially for the purpose of causing grievance/character development to lawrence or amanda, it just wasn’t for any purpose at all aside from He Dies At The End, but like, im totally down to argue for it as a valid interpretation with some weird implications and missing woman-specific nuance. it’s still more accurate than calling him a victim of a narrative actively working against him because he simply is not. he is a guy

14 notes · View notes

hanni-simp · 1 year

Text

I know Lawrence doesn’t go back for Adam but I can’t help but believe that he tried. That once he woke up he asked Kramer where he was. I wonder if Lawrence could’ve gone back and saved him if Amanda hadn’t killed him by then.

How long did it take him to start getting a full night’s rest after the trap? Especially after Allison leaves him. Does he wake up in a cold sweat, still stuck in the nightmare in which he, too, was left rotting in the bathroom? Does he have dreams in which Adam leaves him there?

Does he convince himself that Jigsaw is right? That Adam deserved to die? Would it change his guilt if he did? It’s easy to know you could’ve saved your victim, is it just as easy to know you could’ve saved an ally?

#saw 2004 #sawposting #chainshipping #maybe?#it’s not explicitly romantic but I could see it that way #do I refuse to believe adam is dead? yes.#will I still write sad posts in which he is? also yes.#lawrence gordon #adam faulkner stanheight #sorry y’all Im being sad again

30 notes · View notes

doomednarrative · 2 years

Text

Everytime you rewatch Saw 2004, you get to thinking. You think "Maybe this time, Adam will catch the key before it goes down the drain." You think "Maybe this time, the key Lawrence gets will work for both their shackles instead of the lock box. Maybe Lawrence will never get a bullet in his envelope. Maybe his goal in the game Won't be to kill Adam. Maybe there will be a way for them to both work together and make it out. Maybe Adam showing Lawrence the photo of his family Won't make him completely break down. Maybe Adam will just be honest with Lawrence upfront that he knows him, and knows what he's done, so that there is no breakdown of trust between them. Maybe both of them will be able to open up better this time around."

You think "Maybe Lawrence won't shoot Adam this time, or if he does it will just end his misery in one shot instead of drawing it out." You think "Maybe Adam will be let go since he technically won the game."

...but it never happens.

Instead, you see the same tragedy play out step by step. You see the two of them slowly break down over those 8 hours, even after forming some bit of codependancy. You see Lawrence completely break enough to saw his own foot off. You see him crawl with all the strength he can muster over to the gun in John's hand, because he can't fail now, not when he has no idea if Ally or Diana are okay. He can't fail them again, not like this. He can't die in this bathroom.

And instead, you see Adam beg Lawrence, scream and yell and cry and tell him in no uncertain terms that he wants to live, he has family too he wants to reconnect with, it's his fault and his mistake that they're not close. But even with that he wants to live.

And he still gets shot anyways.

And he still kills Zepp to save the life of the man who shot him. And he lets that same man, Lawrence, hold his face as hes crying in fear and pain and tell him that he'll go get help. He watches as Lawrence leaves, and as he promises to bring someone back.

He watches as Lawrence tells him he wouldn't lie to him when he asks if they'll be okay.

...and then. He never sees him again.

And you still close out the movie on Adam's frantic screaming for John not to lock him in the bathroom. Not to leave him here to die.

But you can't change it. No matter how many times you watch, no matter how much you wish the narrative would change...it won't.

You'll just watch the same tragedy play out again and again and again. Because it's been written down from the start. Adam was never going to escape. And Lawrence was never going to be able to save him.

And you just have to live with that every time you decide to watch the movie again.

#aka i uh. still cried on the seventh watch of this movie...so theres that.#saw #saw 2004 #adam faulkner stanheight #lawrence gordon #kief rambles about saw #i am. a mess again.

88 notes · View notes

adrianicsea · 2 years

Note

You Cannot say you have thoughts about the heart and then not elaborate 👀

MANNNNN i’ve talked briefly about it before but like. okay cliff note version is this deranged morsel from my notes app and then the painfully long version below that

but like. the issue lawrence is INITIALLY brought into the bathroom game for by john (before we learn about his infidelity via adam) is his lack of passion, compassion, and bedside manner.... literally his lack of heart. he’s told to follow his heart, the thing he allegedly doesn’t have... and it’s not physically within reach of him in the room! the heart, the thing john kramer believes lawrence to be missing, lies across the room with adam!!

and we even see this in the fact that lawrence doesn’t do jackshit in the bathroom until he hears adam wake up and freak out— when lawrence talks to adam for the first time, he sounds calm and lucid, and he shows no sign of wooziness or having just woken up too. which means that lawrence just. sat there in the dark feeling sorry for himself UNTIL he knew there was someone there that needed his help.

towards the end of the whole thing, when lawrence is on the phone with alison, you’ll notice that even THEN he never says that he loves her or that he’s always loved her! what lawrence DOES say is “i’ve always been happy with you” which is... really really lowballing it for the woman you’ve been married to long enough to have a 7-year-old daughter with, especially when you’re under the impression that one or both of you is literally about to die. but that’s a whole other thing on its own honestly.

ANYWAYS throughout the movie we see lawrence doing everything he can do to spare adam’s life and come up with a way to get them both out alive, even though they’re not all that fond of each other! even when lawrence shoots adam he deliberately goes for a spot that he knows is going to LOOK serious to anyone watching, but that won’t be immediately fatal on its own. and even when lawrence is bleeding out and unable to walk and believes that his family might very well be dead, he uses some of his time and energy to come to adam and comfort him. this comes so soon after the “i’ve always been happy with you” exchange between lawrence and alison, too.

of course we all know what happens to adam and lawrence after that. the divorce plays a hand in it, and there’s a lot to be said about lawrence’s lack of self-esteem and self-worth, but like. it seems like a very clear cause and effect chain to me that lawrence leaving adam there, failing to save him, leads lawrence to become an apprentice. it’s so antithetical to his identity as a doctor and his protective instinct that the only way apprenticeship becomes a viable path for lawrence is if he loses or kills his heart.

the real smoking gun in all of this, though, is that we later see in john’s tape that he leaves behind for jill that john CALLS JILL HIS HEART. and while we don’t LEARN this until saw 6 or 7 (unsure which, still haven’t seen any of the hoffman tetralogy), it implies that john still had that understanding and that connotation of heart imagery/hearts as other people when he put together the bathroom trap. and even taking the metatextual view of it, the writers in 2009 or whenever STILL were like “you know the heart motif from the first movie? we should bring that back to talk about this guy and his estranged ex-wife that he still loves.” while reading the rebirth comic (written in 2005, before saw 2 had even released) last night, i even learned that jill was featured in it, and john refers to his divorce from jill as “losing his heart.” so like. idk man it’s all very complex and interwoven and i KNOW the saw franchise desperately wants all of its pieces to rhyme and connect and be part of one big messy intricate web but like. why take the heart, so prominently featured in the first movie to refer to lawrence and adam, and then start co-opting it to associate it with an estranged married couple.

sorry for subjecting yall to All This before 9 in the morning but uh. you asked and i delivered!

#asks #macabre-angst #long post /#sorry for not knowing how to do read mores on mobile #saw #chainshipping #saw meta

81 notes · View notes

adhdeancas · 3 years

Text

12x01 Rewrite with Trans Dean

trigger warnings for minor mention of dysphoria. Also minor/negligent transphobia.

“Mom?” His heart is stopped in his chest, staring at the face he’s kept in his head for all of his life, the face he’s thought of as the only real home he’s ever had. She looks the same, exactly the same. “I… uh, are you really… real?”

He reaches out without thinking, needing to just make sure that Amara didn’t bring back a fantasy or a ghost or a sick joke. She proves it without him touching her, flipping him in a neat trick he recognizes from his own training and ending up with her foot on his neck, pressing him into the dirt. “Where am I? Who the hell are you?”

She looks so scared. Dean swallows, his Adam’s apple bouncing against the bottom of her foot. He needs to make her trust him, preferably before she does something rash like snap his neck. “I’m Dean Winchester. I’m your son. I’m… Sam’s brother”

The pressure lets up on Dean’s neck even though Mary’s shaking her head. “No. No, I don’t have two boys. They’re- they’re just kids.”

Dean winces, breathing heavily. This is gonna be a motherfucker for her to understand. Still, Mary lets him up, and he stands and rubs his neck, trying desperately to recall every bit of information he’s stored away about his mom. “Mom. Listen to me. Your name- your name is Mary Sandra Campbell, okay? You were born December 5, 1954, to Samuel and Deanna Campbell. Your father, he bounced around a lot for, uh, work, and you bounced right along with him, and you ended up in Lawrence, Kansas.”

Mary flinches, the facts hitting straight-on. “How do you know all that?”

“Dad told me.” Dean tells her. He doesn’t tell her that he had to gather the story from slurred words, drunken tears in between stories about the perfect wife. That he recited them in his head like a prayer so he wouldn’t forget her. “March 23, 1972, you walked out of a movie theater - Slaughterhouse-Five. You loved it, and you bumped into a big Marine and you knocked him flat on his ass. You were embarrassed, and he laughed it off, said you could make it up to him with a cup of coffee. So, you went to, uh,” God, what was the name of that stupid place? “Mulroney’s, and you talked and he was cute and he knew the words to every Zeppelin song,” A memory of a smiling young alive Mary comes to mind, and he pushes it away because it hurts. She’s right there. “So when he asked you for your number, you gave it to him, even though you knew your dad would be pissed. That was the night that -” You fell in love with- “that you met -”

“John Winchester.”

“August 19, 1975, you were married… in Reno. Your idea.”Dean had always thought that was hilarious. He looks her in the eyes again, pleading with her to not dispute the next part. “A few years later, I came along, then Sammy.”

“No, no. My oldest was a girl, Deanna.” Mary looks Dean up and down, taking in his short hair, wide shoulders, and flat chest. He crosses his arms over that now, uncomfortable, hoping she isn’t looking at his long eyelashes or his delicate cheekbones or his hips. All the places he’s insecure about.

“Yeah, um… that’s me.” He looks up at her, his jaw clenching, waiting for the ball to drop. “I shortened the name a little, and the- uh- hair.” He tries for the old charming smile as he runs a hand through the spiky hair he hasn’t let grow out in 20 years. It doesn’t quite get there, settling at a more delicate need for approval. Mary doesn’t give it to him. “Do you believe me?”

She bypasses the question, turning her eyes away from him to look at the car behind him. Something changes in her eyes. “I burned.” She says quietly, like she’s remembering the heat. Dean swallows. He remembers the heat too. “How long have I been gone?”

“33 years.” His voice cracks.

Mary looks back to him, and she moves forward, putting two gentle fingers to his cheek, to the freckles sprayed across soft skin. He’s had them forever, even when he was little. “Dee?” She calls him by his old nickname; Dean’s doubly thankful that he doesn’t use his deadname.

“Hi, mom.” There are tears in his eyes.

------------------------------------------------------

“How did he die?”

Dean bows his head. He’s really not selling himself too good here, is he? First the trans thing, now- “He gave himself up for me.” He’ll be surprised if Mary wants anything to do with him. Surprisingly, she chuckles and sniffles.

“That does sound like John.” He looks over, and she’s smiling. His brow furrows. Killing himself to save Dean’s ass does sound like John, but not in a way that makes him want to smile. “And he was a hunter? And he raised-” She stutters now, looking at him again and looking away just as quickly. “You and Sam to be-”

“Yeah, he did.” A cold weight is settling in Dean’s stomach, and he tries and fails to not let it seep into his words.

“And you said we’ve met before, when you traveled through time,”

Dean nods. It had been horrible and amazing to see Mary and have her see him, just as some guy. A guy, at all. “Twice. Your memory got wiped, so…” So you don’t remember me telling you I was your kid, and you not believing me. I do.

“And you’re… my daughter-”

Dean coughs. He hasn’t been called a daughter in a long-ass time. “No, I’m- I mean. I was. I know it’s a lot. And I’ll explain everything. I will. But right now, let’s get out of here. Let’s get you home. Come on, Mom.”

She doesn’t correct him, which means she must believe, at least a little bit, that she is his mom.

-----------------------------------------------------

“You live here?” She looks around the cavernous space and he smiles, looking around too. It really is awesome.

“Yeah, when we’re not on the road. It’s an old Men of Letters bunker.”

“Men of Letters?” She scoffs. Dean grins a bit and looks at her. He thinks he likes her. “They’re a myth. An old hunter’s story.”

He tilts his head. He’s just gonna keep blowing her mind today, apparently. “Not so much. New duds look good.” He gestures to her clothes. He’d lent her some extra clothes he’d had in the trunk, and he tries not to fixate on how they weren’t that big on her. He’s not much taller than her, and he knows part of that even is the heeled boots he’s wearing.

“Well, thanks. It’s better than walking around in that nightgown the rest-” Dean’s nodding, about to say something extremely awkward like ‘Yeah, nightgowns are a bitch,’ when he finally looks at what she’s staring at, spattered on the floor of the bunker. “That’s blood.”

“Yeah.” Dean’s heart leaps into his throat, but he goes into autopilot before he can think about freaking out. He takes his gun out from his pants and cocks it, clearing the immediate area. A blurred sigil on the wall puts another bolt of fear through his chest. “Sammy? Cas?” He winces at how high his voice goes.

He takes the Map Table’s gun out from its hiding place and hands it to Mary. She was a hunter too, and he’s not about to leave her unarmed to clear the place. “Take this. Stay here.” Dean takes off immediately. It isn’t until he’s moving on to check the kitchen that he hears the voice. Mary’s clear as a bell, saying,

“Hands, now,”

Dean’s in the room before he can think about it. His heart practically comes undone when he sees that dumb familiar trench coat. He puts his body between Cas and his mom’s gun immediately, hoping she will trust him enough not to shoot through him. “Whoa, whoa, whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa! It’s okay, it’s okay. He’s a friend, all right?” He meets Cas’s eyes and sees the utter relief in his eyes, and a surge of warmth fills his chest. “Hey, Cas.”

It’s a lackluster greeting when they both thought they’d never see each other again, and Cas shows it when he steps forward quickly and pulls Dean into a tight hug. “Dean!”

Dean grins and pats his back. “Hey, okay. All right,” He comforts him quietly.

“Dean, you’re alive?” Cas pulls away and looks him over, like he’s afraid Dean might disappear. Dean nods, understanding; he had done the same thing to Mary, after all.

“Yeah.”

“What about the bomb and the Darkness? What happened?”

“I’ll tell you everything. Where is Sam?”

“He’s not here.” Obviously. Dean could smack him, but his face wants to break into a fond smile instead. He represses both urges.

“Are you a hunter?”

“No, I’m an angel.”

“He’s an angel.” Dean says over Cas. They look at each other and then back at Mary.

“Come again?”

“An angel, with a capital A,” Dean clarifies. He feels, ridiculously, a little bit like he’s showing off. Showing Cas off. “You know, wings, harp.”

“No, I don’t have a harp.”

Dean laughs. “This is Castiel. Cas, this is… Mary. Winchester.”

------------------------------------------------------

“It’s been kinda weird, here. You know, with mom being back?” And learning that her baby girl is now a full grown man? “It’s like we don’t know how to act around each other, so we just kinda make this small talk, and act like it’s normal, but it’s- it’s so not normal.” Dean can hear the pleading in his voice.

“What has she said to you?” Cas asks quickly. Dean bites his lip to hide the smile he’s trying to get from hearing Cas get all angry and protective on his behalf. He’s reminded of the time Cas looked him directly in the face and said, ‘Dean Winchester, if anyone is ever transphobic to you, I will smite them immediately and without any remorse.’ And before Dean could make a quip about internalized transphobia, Cas added, ‘Do not make me do that to you.’

“Well, nothing. That’s- that’s the whole point.” It’s the kind of thing most people usually wanna go over, what the fuck gender their kid is? He’s pretty sure no news does not mean good news in this context.

“Okay, what have you said to her?”

“Well, nothing. I’m- I don’t know what to say to her, y’know? It’s like it’s all too much, and I don’t wanna overwhelm her.”

“Dean, your identity is not ‘too much.’” Cas says immediately. Dean sighs. That wasn’t what he meant, even though he has said something similar before. Something when he was lonely and sad and feeling like explaining his dick to a one night stand was too complicated for him to do to even assuage it that way.

“No- I know. It’s not that. It’s… everything.”

Now it’s Cas’s turn to sigh. “Don’t make things unnecessarily complicated, as you humans tend to do. I’ll call you.” He hangs up.

Dean lets the phone fall with his arm limp to his side. “Yeah. Great. That’s helpful.” He says to the empty air. “That’s helpful.” Asshole.

-------------------------------------------------------

They’re in the car, and Dean is driving, and there is too much going on. He’s not sure whether he’s happy that Cas is in the backseat for this conversation or not. “So you’re… my Deanna.”

Dean’s hands tighten on the wheel. He looks at them and ignores the voice in his head that says they are petite. Womanly. “Uh, yeah. I was born Deanna Jane Winchester.” He clears his throat and meets Cas’s eyes in the rearview. He gives him a little nod, and Dean continues. “I’m… It’s called trans.”

Dean risks a look over at Mary, and she’s playing with her ring. “So you… wanted to be a boy.”

Dean clears his throat again. He’s pretty sure he does it every time before he talks, and he’s also pretty sure his voice gets lower every time he talks, too. He swears it’s an automatic reflex.

“Dean’s soul is- that of a human man.” Cas interrupts, saying it like that clarifies things. The corner of Dean’s mouth tilts up a little bit. Cas did tell him that he could see his soul, and also told him that it was, and he quotes ‘A color more similar to that of a men than women.’ Which, yeah, that tracks. He guesses Cas leaves off the ‘more similar’ part to make things simpler for Mary.

“And so you…” Mary trails off, a finger pointing toward his chest aborting its mission when she realizes it might be rude.

Dean raises an eyebrow with amusement. “Cut my tits off? Yeah.” He takes a hand off the wheel to raise his shirt, proudly showing off his top surgery scars. Mary trails a hand along them, feeling the raised skin. “After Sammy went to college. It was a bitch of a few weeks, but it was worth it.”

Mary takes her hand away and nods, brows furrowed like she’s trying to wrap her head around it. Dean grins. The grin freezes awkwardly, the edges tilting down, when Mary opens her mouth again. “So you have a-”

Cas coughs loudly in the back seat. Dean meets his wide eyes with a similar expression, and Mary cuts off the question, catching onto the fact she said something wrong. “Don’t think we really need to go there, do we, mom?”

That was a question for him and whatever lucky son of a bitch (gender neutral) ended up in his bed at the end of the night. “Right.” Mary says quickly. She turns her whole body then, asking, “Is that why you like men?”

Dean only swerves a little, he swears. The car coming the opposite direction doesn’t seem to agree, holding its horn long and hard. Luckily, it gives him a moment to stutter less obviously.

“Sorry, I just meant- since you two are-” Mary gestures between Cas and Dean, and Dean blinks his eyes solidly, trying to convince himself this is really happening.

“No! I mean, we-” Dean doesn’t have the balls (hehe) to look at Cas in the back seat, but he can see the trench coat shifting out of his peripheral. “I’m not-”

“Was John okay with this?”

Dean laughs. It comes out bitter and dark. “Dad didn’t much give a fuck what I did with my body. He’d given up on grandkids about the time he saw how decent I was at hunting, so my long hair wasn’t a personal loss.” He knew I wasn’t gonna live long enough to give him grandkids, not without some self-sacrifice on John’s part.

Mary looks a little shocked at his outburst, and Dean almost feels bad for being so blunt and crass. But then he remembers growing up with John as his male role model, and he tightens his jaw. No, the bluntness and crassness was accurate. “Oh.”

“... Yeah.” Dean bites his lip and risks another glance at his mom.

“So, you’re okay with this?” He waves a hand at himself. Asking if she was okay with him was just too pathetic, even for him. She looks at him uncertainly, a frown he recognizes as his own on her face.

“I don’t think I’m okay with any of this, Dean. But… I guess I’ll adjust.”

#tw: dysphoria #trans dean #destiel #deancas #ftm dean #transmasc dean #fanfic #dean is trans #my writing #mine

313 notes · View notes