#adam needing to die so Lawrence can be ‘saved’ | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

tibby · 1 year

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will u tell us more ab jigsquad adam immediately post bathroom please :~)

oh you're in luck i was talking about it with claire earlier today.

adam's survival in jigsquad was never part of anyone's plan, not originally. amanda makes the impulse decision to save him because she realises she can't bare to leave him to die so horribly when he doesn't deserve that fate, and because she knows it will secure lawrence's loyalty. mark goes along with it because he wants to anger john and dim amanda in his eyes (cringe! world's worst fridge shaped man agrees to save some greasy twink as part of his elaborate jigsaw legacy longcon but ends up remembering he has a heart instead.) adam gets dumped on lawrence's bed in the makeshift jigsaw warehouse hospital, half dead, and lawrence agrees to sign his life away if adam lives.

and adam does.

so adam wakes up in the warehouse hospital, and things are...bad. his arm fucking hurts and he doesn't know where he is but his instincts are telling him that it's dangerous, and it doesn't help that hoffman is on "keep an eye on adam" duty, so he's greeted by the sight of the world's most off putting man eating cold ravioli out of a can. he's not entirely convinced he's alive, and wonders if he's in hell or purgatory or some fucked up heaven, or just hallucinating back in that bathroom. he gets a few moments of happiness once he realises lawrence is with him, that he’s alive and they’re together even if they’re apparently still playing some twisted fucking game. but then lawrence admits the truth of the situation, that adam was saved so lawrence would become john’s apprentice, and adam really doesn’t take that revelation well. he freaks out, and they end up having to sedate him, and that sort of becomes the routine for a week.

because he is just. so scared. they won’t let him leave because they’re not sure if he’ll go to authorities and also he needs time to recuperate, but being in the warehouse and under the eye of john makes it hard for him to start his mental healing process. and because he keeps trying to escape or swing at them and fucking up his arm in the process so they have to keep him restrained, which isn’t good for adam given that the last time he was restrained he almost died in a decrepit bathroom. they’re sedating him constantly for his own well-being but he doesn’t see it that way, especially with john and amanda lurking around. hard to start your recovery process when the people who kidnapped and tortured you are always around.

they don’t really want to keep drugging him, if only because their sedative supply isn’t exactly never ending (mark’s perspective), but it’s better that he’s drugged and loose and somewhat calm then lucid and scared and angry. he can still be pretty mean when he's drugged, and since lawrence is really the only one adam can be around for extended periods of time, lawrence gets the brunt of the insults and harsh ramblings. says stuff like you should have left me to die instead, and lawrence isn’t sure if adam even remembers any of the shit he says and he’s too scared to ask, but it all fucking haunts him anyway.

so adam doesn't do well at all, not for a long time. not in the warehouse and not when he and lawrence are finally allowed back out into the real world. by the time they're unceremoniously dumped at the hospital almost a month after being kidnapped, adam knows he’s not going to tell. if only out of fear and a loyalty to lawrence. but when the hospital staff tell them that the police want to ask you a few questions, and mark walks in…well. that fucks with adam too. he can’t even be honest when asked do you remember anything after losing consciousness in that bathroom?, because the person asking it has the same empty eyes that greeted him in the warehouse, the same hands that adam saw building torture devices. and adam isn’t sure if he’ll ever be safe again.

his own apartment doesn't even feel like a haven, because that's where he got kidnapped he can never feel confident that he’s alone. he checks rooms and cupboards again and again, spending hours every night to make sure that nobody is hiding somewhere, ready to attack at any moment. he can’t handle being in there in the dark. he has a panic attack the first time he tries to be in his bathroom/darkroom with the door closed, the photos and the bathtub reminding him of who he is and what he’s done and where he’s been. the horrible shit that happened to him and why he deserved it. he throws his camera against the wall on one of his first nights back, unable to think about the photos he took with the flash. he never ate or slept or took care of himself much to begin with, but he just ends up spending most of his days crouching against the wall, shaking with fear and his baseball bat beside him. if he lets his guard down for even a moment then he’ll end up back in that shithole. sometimes lawrence will come by and adam will feel safe again, but then he’ll remember: lawrence is one of them now. and maybe he’s not safe anywhere anymore.

#ask #bestjoycestan #sawposting #jigsquad #adam faulkner stanheight

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madssaunders111 · 6 months

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Help! | A Seinfeld x Saw AU (female!reader)

Characters: Jerry Seinfeld, George Costanza, Elaine Benes, Newman, Adam Stanheight, John Kramer, Estelle Costanza, Frank Costanza

I’ve thought about making Adam an apprentice because the entire saw fandom imagines him as one. And his photography hobby is useful to John

Content: Torture, mentions and descriptions of death, stalking, swearing, violence, sexual themes, light clit stimulation, fingering

Extra info: You are in a situationship with Newman. I used Amanda's trap and I even added Bob Sacamano even though he doesn't make an appearance in the show. I also used the Angel Trap

Word count: 2942 words

Description: You are an accomplice of the Jigsaw Killer. When John moved his games to New York, another one of his accomplices, Adam Stanheight found someone worthy of being tested. As the trap is ready, John Kramer gives you the task to bring the victim to him in order to be taught a lesson.

~•~

It was late morning in New York City. You were walking through the city until you reached a building marked “Manhattan Meatpacking Plant”.

You walked in and saw Adam Stanheight standing with a camera. You approached him, and held your hand under his camera lens.

“Adam“

“Yes, Y/N?”

“Has John finished building the trap yet?”

“I don’t know.” Adam shrugged. “I’m only in charge of photography, speaking of, look who I found.” He laid multiple photos on the table of a man who was on the heavier side and wore a mailman’s uniform. Your jaw dropped in shock.

“Newman?” “Are you kidding me Adam?” You asked as you picked up a picture of Newman sitting in his mail truck with a diabolical look on his face. Another photo was him walking along a sidewalk holding a mailbag on his shoulder. Another one of the photos was him walking back to his apartment.

“That’s right.” Adam nodded as he placed his camera on the table. He snatched the photos on and placed them in an envelope. “You need to go to his apartment and bring him here.”

“No! No fucking way, Adam!”

“Trust me, Y/N.” Adam held your hands. “You can do it.”

“I’m sort of…in a thing…with him.”

“Like what, exactly?”

“Situationship, like dating…hooking up…but we don’t want to label our relationship.”

“Interesting…but confusing.” Adam picked up his camera again and walked to another room. You followed him.

“Wait, Adam! Maybe you could help me with bringing Newman.” You pleaded.

“Y/N…”

“Please, Adam!” You sank to your knees. “You can get Newman and I can distract everyone, like Jerry, Elaine, George and even Kramer.”

“Cosmo Kramer?” Adam scrunches his nose in confusion. “Is that actually his name?”

“Yeah…” You smacked the table in annoyance. “But please, Adam, help me!”

“Y/N!” John shouted from the makeshift hospital room in the plant. The room was depressing, lit by green lightbulbs, had a hospital bed and even medical equipment.“Yes, John?” You asked.

“Come here.” His voice was weak but still deep. Your legs shook as you walked into the hospital room. John applied an oxygen mask to his face every few minutes. “Tell me, why don’t you want to do your task?”

“Because…it’s not right John.”

“Tell me, Y/N, you’re loyal to me right?”

“Yes of course.”

“Well…you can do this…besides…he’s not innocent like you think.”

“How so?”

“For example, he harbors mail even though it’s a federal offense.”

“What else?” You asked as you crossed your arms over your chest.

“He’s also assisted in the kidnapping of someone else’s pet.”

“That’s nothing!” You ran your fingers through your hair in agitation. “Besides, the dog wasn’t hurt from what I’ve heard.”

“Well…John has given you a task and you should do it.”

“So I’ll end up in another trap? God I should’ve left you in that bathroom to die!”

“You’re such an asshole! Besides, Lawrence should’ve saved me!”

“Yeah, well he left you in there to die! He lied to you!” You stormed out of the building and walked through the street until you reached 81st Street, where Jerry Seinfeld lived.

~•~

As you walked up to Jerry’s apartment, Newman stood outside lugging a mailbag. He turned to you and held his hand up.

“Y/N..hey there.”

“Hello, Newman.” You trudged your feet to Jerry’s apartment.

“Did you hear about that man who went missing last night?”

Your eyes widened slightly. Adam did bring a man to them, and he is still alive, not for long.

“No, I haven’t.” You stood outside Jerry’s door and knocked. The door opened revealing Jerry on the other side.

“Oh, Y/N, hey.”

“Hey, Jerry.” Your feet slid against the floor as you walked into the apartment and to the couch where George sat. George placed your head on his shoulder.

“You look tired Y/N.”

“Just…work.” You muttered as you laid against George’s chest. It wasn’t exactly a lie…your “work” was being the accomplice of a killer.

“Heard you talking to Newman, what was that about?” Elaine asked as she leaned over the couch.

“Just about that man who went missing last night.”

"What was his name again?" George asked.

“My friend Bob Sacamano." Kramer walked into the kitchen and opened the fridge. He removed cold cuts and ate them.

“It’s horrible.” You muttered. “I hope the cops catch whoever did this.”

~•~

Hours went by and your eyes fluttered open.

“Where the hell am I?” You asked yourself. When your vision cleared, you were still in Jerry's apartment huddled on his couch. Your phone rang with a message from Adam. He texted: “Where are you Y/N? I got Newman in the truck, hurry.”

You let out an agitated huff as you left the apartment and ran outside where a truck sat. Adam sat at the driver’s seat and Newman was unconscious in the back. “Took you long enough.” Adam sneered.

“Why does it matter?”

“Maybe you had sex with someone else, someone that wasn’t Newman.”

“Okay, first of all, I didn’t, and secondly, I fell asleep.”

“Yeah, for four hours.” Adam turned the wheel and drove away to the Meatpacking Plant.

~•~

You and Adam lugged Newman's body into the building. Adam hunched over and placed the body in a wheelbarrow. "Jesus, he's heavy."

You rolled your eyes and pushed the wheelbarrow into a separate room that had a chair, a bear trap, and a body of a man on the ground. The same man who went missing the night before: Bob Sacamano.

You walked back to the makeshift hospital room and crouched down to the bed.

"Everything's ready."

"Good." John wheezed. "Good job Y/N."

"Is this trap...rigged?"

"No. I don't rig my traps. You know that."

"I just want Newman to live." You walked back to the metal table where various monitors sat. One of the screens featured Newman's unconscious body slumped in the chair with the bear trap on his head.

"You are so in love with him, it's actually funny."

"Shut up Adam." You sneered as your fist met his shoulder.

"Damn, relax. Don't get so defensive."

You paced back and forth as you saw Newman wake up on the monitor. Nerves fluttered in your stomach, nerves that made you feel sick.

~•~

Newman's POV

Newman's eyes opened in a room lit by green lightbulbs. He thrashed his head around in fear. His hands gripped the bear trap rested onto his head and jaws.

He whimpered and let out muttered screams.

"Mmh!"

A tv turned on beside him revealing a puppet's face.

"Hello, Newman." The deep sinister voice of John Kramer said. "i want to play a game."

"You don't know me, but I certainly know you. I've been keeping an eye on you, watching over you, like a guardian angel, but with negative intentions. You see Newman, you've done awful things, such as misuse of a mail truck, kidnapping, and especially harboring mail, which is strange because aren't you a mailman? Anyway, those are things that can easily be fixed by a prison sentence."

Newman wriggled into the chair as John spoke. The puppet's mouth moved with the message.

"You'll have sixty seconds to find the key, the key to your freedom, which is in the man beside you. Look to your right Newman, know that I'm not lying."

Newman turned to the right and saw Bob laying on the floor still and numb. He turned back to the tv.

"However, if you don't, your jaws will be permanently ripped open. Here, I'll show you." The footage changed to a glass mannequin wearing the same bear trap. The timer ticked fast and the mannequin exploded in a mess of glass.

"That will be you if you don't get out. Now, let the game begin." The tv then turned off. He stood up and the tripwire to the timer activated.

He started to panic and walked over to Bob Sacamano after grabbing a scalpel from the table beside the chair. He crouched down and saw Bob's eyes open and widen. Newman stabbed until blood was everywhere and Bob's organs and insides were all over Newman's hands.

He pulled a key out and shakily shoved it into the bear trap lock. The timer was at 10 seconds before the trap unlocked upon contact with the floor.

Newman screamed and fell to the floor, his hands, face and shirt covered in Bob's blood. The door then opened a figure in a dark red and black hood approached him.

"Congratulations, Newman. You're still alive."

End of POV

~•~

Newman sat on a chair in John's makeshift hospital room in the Plant.

"Hello, Newman." John greeted.

"Easy, John." You said as you dropped your hood revealing your face.

"Y/N? What the hell?" Newman's jaw dropped in shock.

You stayed silent as John placed an oxygen mask on his face for a few seconds before removing it.

"I assume you and Y/N know each other Newman?"

Newman nodded. He looked up at you betrayed and hurt. "Y/N...why?"

"I don't have an answer for you Newman."

Adam walked in and placed his camera down on the chair beside Newman.

"Now, you have a chance to be granted full immunity and protection." John started.

"Like what?" Newman asked as he looked from John to Adam and then to you.

"Let me explain-" Adam said before you interrupted.

"Let me say it Stanheight, you're terrible at explaining things." You cleared your throat and faced Newman. "Basically, you can work for us, help us teach people, bad people, lessons and change their lives. Especially revenge, for those who have wronged you. What do you think?"

"Well...I...I don't know what to say." Newman dwindled his fingers anxiously.

"Well, you've been tested, you passed, therefore you're able to work for us." You said. "I was tested, Adam here was tested as well."

"Wait, how were you tested?"

"Same trap you were in. I even cut my jaw." You point to your jaws stitched with black thread. "I got cut severely, but I got a chance...John helped me."

Newman turned to Adam. "What about you?" He asked.

"I was in a bathroom, and I almost died because my key disappeared and I didn't want to chop my foot off. So I was left to die." He explained as he gave you a glare.

"Oh my God! I rescued you! I didn't have to!" You shouted.

"Y/N! Adam! Stop fighting!" John shouted.

Adam stuck his tongue out like a child and scooped up his camera. "Well, bye." He walked out of the room and left the building.

~•~

Adam's POV

Adam walked through the street wearing his camera around his neck like a necklace. He looked at his phone screen which had a picture of George Costanza. He was his next victim.

Adam went to the subway station that was headed to Queens. He knew where George's parents (and him) lived.

~•~

Your POV

"So, Newman, what do you think about our offer?"

"I..I don't know."

"Don't forget the immunity and protection." You whispered in his ear.

"I..I accept." Newman replied nervously.

"Good...you can help many others cherish their lives now."

~•~

By the time Adam arrived in Queens, the sun had gone down and the streets were completely empty and dark. He clutched his camera as he found the Costanza's house.

No lights were on indicating that either no one was home or everyone was asleep. He crept up to the side door and slipped right in, no lock, no dog, nothing.

Adam stumbled through the dark kitchen and found the living room. "Fuck." He muttered as he hit his foot against the couch. A woman's voice shouted. Adam hid in the closet and held up a gun loaded with tranquilizer darts.

Estelle Costanza, George's mother, ran out of her bedroom holding a bat.

"I'm armed!" She shouted as she ran around the living room swinging the bat.

"Jesus." Adam muttered under his breath.

"Damn it, Estelle, it's one o'clock in the morning, why are you up and holding a baseball bat?" Frank Costanza, George's father walked out of his room irritated and exhausted.

"Someone's in the house."

"You're hearing things, now come on, back to bed." Frank led Estelle back into the bedroom until a dart shot into his neck knocking him unconscious.

"Frank! Oh God!" Estelle shouted before Adam shot a dart into her neck knocking her unconscious as well. George ran out confused as he looked down and saw his parents laid unconscious on the floor.

"Mom! Dad! Oh, God!" George shook them hard. A dart shot into his neck and he fell unconscious.

"God damn," Adam muttered as he dragged George out of his house and to the truck outside. After Adam drove away, he arrived back in Manhattan half an hour later.

~•~

Your POV

You sat in a room in the Meatpacking Plant furnished like a bedroom. Your head lay on the bed while looking up at the ceiling. Newman walked into the bedroom and sat down near you.

"Hey, Y/N."

"Hey, Newman." You sat up and looked down at the bed avoiding eye contact with Newman.

"So, how long have you worked for John Kramer?"

"A while."

"Ever since...your test?"

You nodded. Newman held your hand tightly.

"Hey, look, I won't tell anyone. And plus, I think you're pretty badass in that hood." Newman smirked.

"Really?"

"Of course. It definitely makes you attractive even though you're the apprentice to a serial killer." Newman leaned in and kissed your lips softly.

"Ohh, Newman, what was that for?"

"Because...I think I'm crazy for you Y/N."

:Are we labeling ourselves?"

"Yes. I want you so bad Y/N. You have no idea." Newman leaned back in and kissed your lips harder.

"I need to give in." You kissed him back and hopped on his lap.

~•~

Adam's POV

Adam pulled the truck into the back of the building and dragged George's body in. The same wheelbarrow he used on Newman sat near the back entrance.

George groaned in his unconscious state. Adam lugged George to a separate room where a harness sat. He placed George in the harness and dropped the key in a vat of acid. He left the room leaving George alone.

~•~

George's POV

George woke up in a dark room lit by green lightbulbs. He looked down and saw fishing hooks pierced into his ribs.

"Oh God!" George shouted as he thrashed around the harness. 'What is this? Get me out!"

The tv beside him turned on revealing the same ventriloquist puppet.

"Hello, George. I want to play a game." The recording started. "You're here because of what I've seen and what you've done. And I'm not happy about it. Imagine pretending to be handicapped just to use a better bathroom, pushing adults and children so you'd get out of a fire first, and especially killing your fiance by buying toxic envelopes. Honestly, prison won't change you, but this experience certainly will. You will have a minute to get the key from the acid, but be careful, the acid can dissolve the key in seconds and then you'll be stuck. If you don't get out, your body will be ripped and you will be dead. Let the game begin." The tv then turned on and a timer on the wall started ticking down from 1 minute.

His hand hovered over the acid tank before he shoved it in.

"Ahh!" George screamed loudly as he gripped onto the key. He then dropped it. "Oh, Goddamn it!" George reached back in and finally got hold of the key.

He stuck it in the lock and waited for the harness to open. When it didn't open, George panicked more.

"Help! Help!" The timer ticked down to 20 seconds. The faster the timer went. the more panicked George got.

The timer went down to 0 and George let out one last scream. The hooks ripped his ribs out and suspended them above him like angel's wings. George's body limped and everything went quiet.

~•~

Your POV

You and Newman were in the bedroom kissing and pleasuring each other.

"Oh, Newman!" You moaned into his ear.

"Oh, Y/N. You're not ready for what's about to happen." Newman placed his hands on your pants and pulled them down revealing your panties. "Oh baby, you look so beautiful and ready."

Newman rubbed his fingers in between your legs slowly and then increased the passion. "You like that baby?"

"Y-yes." You moaned. "Your fingers are so thick."

"You're already so wet." Newman whispered in your ear.

"W-we can't do this."

"Of course we can baby. I know you're in love with me."

Newman slid his fingers into your panties and started moving them within your inner walls. "God damn, so tight."

As Newman continued pleasuring you, just as you came, Adam ran into the room.

"Oh damn, sorry," Adam said as he hid a smirk on his face.

"What do you want Adam? Is the game done?"

"Yep." Adam walked away and closed the door.

You slumped down with Newman on top of you. He leaned down and kissed you.

"Well, wasn't that exhilarating?" Newman asked.

"Yes." You said as you kissed him back.

"Good." Newman smiled. "By the way, I will be the best apprentice you've ever seen." He held your hands tightly as he kissed them. "By the way, what game is Adam talking about?"

"Oh. George was placed in a trap, and judging by the air, he did not make it out."

"Damn, George Costanza?"

You nodded.

"Police will have a field day with these strings of missing persons cases." Newman smirked as he gave you one last kiss. "Besides, we should relax and wait until the next game."

#shifttok #seinfeld #shifting realities #george costanza #90s #90s sitcom #newman #saw 2004 #saw #saw movies #saw franchise #sawxseinfeld #john kramer #adam stanheight

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adrianicsea · 2 years

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You Cannot say you have thoughts about the heart and then not elaborate 👀

MANNNNN i’ve talked briefly about it before but like. okay cliff note version is this deranged morsel from my notes app and then the painfully long version below that

but like. the issue lawrence is INITIALLY brought into the bathroom game for by john (before we learn about his infidelity via adam) is his lack of passion, compassion, and bedside manner.... literally his lack of heart. he’s told to follow his heart, the thing he allegedly doesn’t have... and it’s not physically within reach of him in the room! the heart, the thing john kramer believes lawrence to be missing, lies across the room with adam!!

and we even see this in the fact that lawrence doesn’t do jackshit in the bathroom until he hears adam wake up and freak out— when lawrence talks to adam for the first time, he sounds calm and lucid, and he shows no sign of wooziness or having just woken up too. which means that lawrence just. sat there in the dark feeling sorry for himself UNTIL he knew there was someone there that needed his help.

towards the end of the whole thing, when lawrence is on the phone with alison, you’ll notice that even THEN he never says that he loves her or that he’s always loved her! what lawrence DOES say is “i’ve always been happy with you” which is... really really lowballing it for the woman you’ve been married to long enough to have a 7-year-old daughter with, especially when you’re under the impression that one or both of you is literally about to die. but that’s a whole other thing on its own honestly.

ANYWAYS throughout the movie we see lawrence doing everything he can do to spare adam’s life and come up with a way to get them both out alive, even though they’re not all that fond of each other! even when lawrence shoots adam he deliberately goes for a spot that he knows is going to LOOK serious to anyone watching, but that won’t be immediately fatal on its own. and even when lawrence is bleeding out and unable to walk and believes that his family might very well be dead, he uses some of his time and energy to come to adam and comfort him. this comes so soon after the “i’ve always been happy with you” exchange between lawrence and alison, too.

of course we all know what happens to adam and lawrence after that. the divorce plays a hand in it, and there’s a lot to be said about lawrence’s lack of self-esteem and self-worth, but like. it seems like a very clear cause and effect chain to me that lawrence leaving adam there, failing to save him, leads lawrence to become an apprentice. it’s so antithetical to his identity as a doctor and his protective instinct that the only way apprenticeship becomes a viable path for lawrence is if he loses or kills his heart.

the real smoking gun in all of this, though, is that we later see in john’s tape that he leaves behind for jill that john CALLS JILL HIS HEART. and while we don’t LEARN this until saw 6 or 7 (unsure which, still haven’t seen any of the hoffman tetralogy), it implies that john still had that understanding and that connotation of heart imagery/hearts as other people when he put together the bathroom trap. and even taking the metatextual view of it, the writers in 2009 or whenever STILL were like “you know the heart motif from the first movie? we should bring that back to talk about this guy and his estranged ex-wife that he still loves.” while reading the rebirth comic (written in 2005, before saw 2 had even released) last night, i even learned that jill was featured in it, and john refers to his divorce from jill as “losing his heart.” so like. idk man it’s all very complex and interwoven and i KNOW the saw franchise desperately wants all of its pieces to rhyme and connect and be part of one big messy intricate web but like. why take the heart, so prominently featured in the first movie to refer to lawrence and adam, and then start co-opting it to associate it with an estranged married couple.

sorry for subjecting yall to All This before 9 in the morning but uh. you asked and i delivered!

#asks #macabre-angst #long post /#sorry for not knowing how to do read mores on mobile #saw #chainshipping #saw meta

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adhdeancas · 3 years

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12x01 Rewrite with Trans Dean

trigger warnings for minor mention of dysphoria. Also minor/negligent transphobia.

“Mom?” His heart is stopped in his chest, staring at the face he’s kept in his head for all of his life, the face he’s thought of as the only real home he’s ever had. She looks the same, exactly the same. “I… uh, are you really… real?”

He reaches out without thinking, needing to just make sure that Amara didn’t bring back a fantasy or a ghost or a sick joke. She proves it without him touching her, flipping him in a neat trick he recognizes from his own training and ending up with her foot on his neck, pressing him into the dirt. “Where am I? Who the hell are you?”

She looks so scared. Dean swallows, his Adam’s apple bouncing against the bottom of her foot. He needs to make her trust him, preferably before she does something rash like snap his neck. “I’m Dean Winchester. I’m your son. I’m… Sam’s brother”

The pressure lets up on Dean’s neck even though Mary’s shaking her head. “No. No, I don’t have two boys. They’re- they’re just kids.”

Dean winces, breathing heavily. This is gonna be a motherfucker for her to understand. Still, Mary lets him up, and he stands and rubs his neck, trying desperately to recall every bit of information he’s stored away about his mom. “Mom. Listen to me. Your name- your name is Mary Sandra Campbell, okay? You were born December 5, 1954, to Samuel and Deanna Campbell. Your father, he bounced around a lot for, uh, work, and you bounced right along with him, and you ended up in Lawrence, Kansas.”

Mary flinches, the facts hitting straight-on. “How do you know all that?”

“Dad told me.” Dean tells her. He doesn’t tell her that he had to gather the story from slurred words, drunken tears in between stories about the perfect wife. That he recited them in his head like a prayer so he wouldn’t forget her. “March 23, 1972, you walked out of a movie theater - Slaughterhouse-Five. You loved it, and you bumped into a big Marine and you knocked him flat on his ass. You were embarrassed, and he laughed it off, said you could make it up to him with a cup of coffee. So, you went to, uh,” God, what was the name of that stupid place? “Mulroney’s, and you talked and he was cute and he knew the words to every Zeppelin song,” A memory of a smiling young alive Mary comes to mind, and he pushes it away because it hurts. She’s right there. “So when he asked you for your number, you gave it to him, even though you knew your dad would be pissed. That was the night that -” You fell in love with- “that you met -”

“John Winchester.”

“August 19, 1975, you were married… in Reno. Your idea.”Dean had always thought that was hilarious. He looks her in the eyes again, pleading with her to not dispute the next part. “A few years later, I came along, then Sammy.”

“No, no. My oldest was a girl, Deanna.” Mary looks Dean up and down, taking in his short hair, wide shoulders, and flat chest. He crosses his arms over that now, uncomfortable, hoping she isn’t looking at his long eyelashes or his delicate cheekbones or his hips. All the places he’s insecure about.

“Yeah, um… that’s me.” He looks up at her, his jaw clenching, waiting for the ball to drop. “I shortened the name a little, and the- uh- hair.” He tries for the old charming smile as he runs a hand through the spiky hair he hasn’t let grow out in 20 years. It doesn’t quite get there, settling at a more delicate need for approval. Mary doesn’t give it to him. “Do you believe me?”

She bypasses the question, turning her eyes away from him to look at the car behind him. Something changes in her eyes. “I burned.” She says quietly, like she’s remembering the heat. Dean swallows. He remembers the heat too. “How long have I been gone?”

“33 years.” His voice cracks.

Mary looks back to him, and she moves forward, putting two gentle fingers to his cheek, to the freckles sprayed across soft skin. He’s had them forever, even when he was little. “Dee?” She calls him by his old nickname; Dean’s doubly thankful that he doesn’t use his deadname.

“Hi, mom.” There are tears in his eyes.

------------------------------------------------------

“How did he die?”

Dean bows his head. He’s really not selling himself too good here, is he? First the trans thing, now- “He gave himself up for me.” He’ll be surprised if Mary wants anything to do with him. Surprisingly, she chuckles and sniffles.

“That does sound like John.” He looks over, and she’s smiling. His brow furrows. Killing himself to save Dean’s ass does sound like John, but not in a way that makes him want to smile. “And he was a hunter? And he raised-” She stutters now, looking at him again and looking away just as quickly. “You and Sam to be-”

“Yeah, he did.” A cold weight is settling in Dean’s stomach, and he tries and fails to not let it seep into his words.

“And you said we’ve met before, when you traveled through time,”

Dean nods. It had been horrible and amazing to see Mary and have her see him, just as some guy. A guy, at all. “Twice. Your memory got wiped, so…” So you don’t remember me telling you I was your kid, and you not believing me. I do.

“And you’re… my daughter-”

Dean coughs. He hasn’t been called a daughter in a long-ass time. “No, I’m- I mean. I was. I know it’s a lot. And I’ll explain everything. I will. But right now, let’s get out of here. Let’s get you home. Come on, Mom.”

She doesn’t correct him, which means she must believe, at least a little bit, that she is his mom.

-----------------------------------------------------

“You live here?” She looks around the cavernous space and he smiles, looking around too. It really is awesome.

“Yeah, when we’re not on the road. It’s an old Men of Letters bunker.”

“Men of Letters?” She scoffs. Dean grins a bit and looks at her. He thinks he likes her. “They’re a myth. An old hunter’s story.”

He tilts his head. He’s just gonna keep blowing her mind today, apparently. “Not so much. New duds look good.” He gestures to her clothes. He’d lent her some extra clothes he’d had in the trunk, and he tries not to fixate on how they weren’t that big on her. He’s not much taller than her, and he knows part of that even is the heeled boots he’s wearing.

“Well, thanks. It’s better than walking around in that nightgown the rest-” Dean’s nodding, about to say something extremely awkward like ‘Yeah, nightgowns are a bitch,’ when he finally looks at what she’s staring at, spattered on the floor of the bunker. “That’s blood.”

“Yeah.” Dean’s heart leaps into his throat, but he goes into autopilot before he can think about freaking out. He takes his gun out from his pants and cocks it, clearing the immediate area. A blurred sigil on the wall puts another bolt of fear through his chest. “Sammy? Cas?” He winces at how high his voice goes.

He takes the Map Table’s gun out from its hiding place and hands it to Mary. She was a hunter too, and he’s not about to leave her unarmed to clear the place. “Take this. Stay here.” Dean takes off immediately. It isn’t until he’s moving on to check the kitchen that he hears the voice. Mary’s clear as a bell, saying,

“Hands, now,”

Dean’s in the room before he can think about it. His heart practically comes undone when he sees that dumb familiar trench coat. He puts his body between Cas and his mom’s gun immediately, hoping she will trust him enough not to shoot through him. “Whoa, whoa, whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa! It’s okay, it’s okay. He’s a friend, all right?” He meets Cas’s eyes and sees the utter relief in his eyes, and a surge of warmth fills his chest. “Hey, Cas.”

It’s a lackluster greeting when they both thought they’d never see each other again, and Cas shows it when he steps forward quickly and pulls Dean into a tight hug. “Dean!”

Dean grins and pats his back. “Hey, okay. All right,” He comforts him quietly.

“Dean, you’re alive?” Cas pulls away and looks him over, like he’s afraid Dean might disappear. Dean nods, understanding; he had done the same thing to Mary, after all.

“Yeah.”

“What about the bomb and the Darkness? What happened?”

“I’ll tell you everything. Where is Sam?”

“He’s not here.” Obviously. Dean could smack him, but his face wants to break into a fond smile instead. He represses both urges.

“Are you a hunter?”

“No, I’m an angel.”

“He’s an angel.” Dean says over Cas. They look at each other and then back at Mary.

“Come again?”

“An angel, with a capital A,” Dean clarifies. He feels, ridiculously, a little bit like he’s showing off. Showing Cas off. “You know, wings, harp.”

“No, I don’t have a harp.”

Dean laughs. “This is Castiel. Cas, this is… Mary. Winchester.”

------------------------------------------------------

“It’s been kinda weird, here. You know, with mom being back?” And learning that her baby girl is now a full grown man? “It’s like we don’t know how to act around each other, so we just kinda make this small talk, and act like it’s normal, but it’s- it’s so not normal.” Dean can hear the pleading in his voice.

“What has she said to you?” Cas asks quickly. Dean bites his lip to hide the smile he’s trying to get from hearing Cas get all angry and protective on his behalf. He’s reminded of the time Cas looked him directly in the face and said, ‘Dean Winchester, if anyone is ever transphobic to you, I will smite them immediately and without any remorse.’ And before Dean could make a quip about internalized transphobia, Cas added, ‘Do not make me do that to you.’

“Well, nothing. That’s- that’s the whole point.” It’s the kind of thing most people usually wanna go over, what the fuck gender their kid is? He’s pretty sure no news does not mean good news in this context.

“Okay, what have you said to her?”

“Well, nothing. I’m- I don’t know what to say to her, y’know? It’s like it’s all too much, and I don’t wanna overwhelm her.”

“Dean, your identity is not ‘too much.’” Cas says immediately. Dean sighs. That wasn’t what he meant, even though he has said something similar before. Something when he was lonely and sad and feeling like explaining his dick to a one night stand was too complicated for him to do to even assuage it that way.

“No- I know. It’s not that. It’s… everything.”

Now it’s Cas’s turn to sigh. “Don’t make things unnecessarily complicated, as you humans tend to do. I’ll call you.” He hangs up.

Dean lets the phone fall with his arm limp to his side. “Yeah. Great. That’s helpful.” He says to the empty air. “That’s helpful.” Asshole.

-------------------------------------------------------

They’re in the car, and Dean is driving, and there is too much going on. He’s not sure whether he’s happy that Cas is in the backseat for this conversation or not. “So you’re… my Deanna.”

Dean’s hands tighten on the wheel. He looks at them and ignores the voice in his head that says they are petite. Womanly. “Uh, yeah. I was born Deanna Jane Winchester.” He clears his throat and meets Cas’s eyes in the rearview. He gives him a little nod, and Dean continues. “I’m… It’s called trans.”

Dean risks a look over at Mary, and she’s playing with her ring. “So you… wanted to be a boy.”

Dean clears his throat again. He’s pretty sure he does it every time before he talks, and he’s also pretty sure his voice gets lower every time he talks, too. He swears it’s an automatic reflex.

“Dean’s soul is- that of a human man.” Cas interrupts, saying it like that clarifies things. The corner of Dean’s mouth tilts up a little bit. Cas did tell him that he could see his soul, and also told him that it was, and he quotes ‘A color more similar to that of a men than women.’ Which, yeah, that tracks. He guesses Cas leaves off the ‘more similar’ part to make things simpler for Mary.

“And so you…” Mary trails off, a finger pointing toward his chest aborting its mission when she realizes it might be rude.

Dean raises an eyebrow with amusement. “Cut my tits off? Yeah.” He takes a hand off the wheel to raise his shirt, proudly showing off his top surgery scars. Mary trails a hand along them, feeling the raised skin. “After Sammy went to college. It was a bitch of a few weeks, but it was worth it.”

Mary takes her hand away and nods, brows furrowed like she’s trying to wrap her head around it. Dean grins. The grin freezes awkwardly, the edges tilting down, when Mary opens her mouth again. “So you have a-”

Cas coughs loudly in the back seat. Dean meets his wide eyes with a similar expression, and Mary cuts off the question, catching onto the fact she said something wrong. “Don’t think we really need to go there, do we, mom?”

That was a question for him and whatever lucky son of a bitch (gender neutral) ended up in his bed at the end of the night. “Right.” Mary says quickly. She turns her whole body then, asking, “Is that why you like men?”

Dean only swerves a little, he swears. The car coming the opposite direction doesn’t seem to agree, holding its horn long and hard. Luckily, it gives him a moment to stutter less obviously.

“Sorry, I just meant- since you two are-” Mary gestures between Cas and Dean, and Dean blinks his eyes solidly, trying to convince himself this is really happening.

“No! I mean, we-” Dean doesn’t have the balls (hehe) to look at Cas in the back seat, but he can see the trench coat shifting out of his peripheral. “I’m not-”

“Was John okay with this?”

Dean laughs. It comes out bitter and dark. “Dad didn’t much give a fuck what I did with my body. He’d given up on grandkids about the time he saw how decent I was at hunting, so my long hair wasn’t a personal loss.” He knew I wasn’t gonna live long enough to give him grandkids, not without some self-sacrifice on John’s part.

Mary looks a little shocked at his outburst, and Dean almost feels bad for being so blunt and crass. But then he remembers growing up with John as his male role model, and he tightens his jaw. No, the bluntness and crassness was accurate. “Oh.”

“... Yeah.” Dean bites his lip and risks another glance at his mom.

“So, you’re okay with this?” He waves a hand at himself. Asking if she was okay with him was just too pathetic, even for him. She looks at him uncertainly, a frown he recognizes as his own on her face.

“I don’t think I’m okay with any of this, Dean. But… I guess I’ll adjust.”

#tw: dysphoria #trans dean #destiel #deancas #ftm dean #transmasc dean #fanfic #dean is trans #my writing #mine

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linalove4561 · 3 years

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okay so basically this is me being an actual conspiracy theorist but I've been hyperfixating on Adam god damn Stanheight for about eight months now and I have some god damn theories about his own game , why he lost , and how he was a vital part of Lawrence's game.

{ Disclaimer , idk what the saw fandom has come up with since 2004 , if Leigh whannell himself said the exact shit from his lips I am not aware and I'm just like rambling }

honestly don't read this if you're not as obsessive as i am because this is about to be long as fuck.

OKAY !!!!!!!!

Let me start this with the main key points of both their tapes, in reference to Adam and Adam alone.

Adam's tape explained his reason for being tested was not just for his seedy job. But for being angry and not ever acting for himself.

If you're angry enough to have it mentioned in your Jigsaw tape, you're too angry for life.

Specifically in Lawrence's tape is the fact that all it fucking said was to kill Adam.

That's where all of my arguments will come from.

We have seen trap victims who themselves were not being tested. We've seen a million of them.

We also know Adam was technically given a key, despite how odd and impossible it seemed for Adam to actually keep it from going down that drain.

He was still supposed to have a way out after the test had ended.

And lets go ahead and say that the key was always supposed to be drained, that entire idea of him being a person used as leverage for Lawrence before he's set free is bullshit, that's fine !!!

Because despite the end of the trap, Adam had very clearly been given his reasons for being tested. He knew Lawrence was meant to kill him.

Adam was told he was a voyeur. He sat back and watched life happen around him, never actively participating. Detached and observing others and implementing him into reality, but never directly.

Adam was told to take control of his own fate.

Adam has everything on his side of the bathroom needed for Lawrence to actively succeed with the help of hints.

He was the only one who could reach the tape player. The saws and photos were on his side.

Lawrence has his wallet and the words on the back of that picture. Should Adam never give Lawrence a thing, all he would have was X marks the spot.

That box. And Adam would know at that point that Lawrence was supposed to kill him had he let Lawrence's tape be played.

He would know better to take anything from that man. To stay alive.

Adam, instead, continued to go through the motions. He let Lawrence figure out where the saws were. He let Lawrence have one of those fucking saws. He let Lawrence know about the X and the lights. He let Lawrence know fucking everything and anything he could to be sure Lawrence had the mentality to get them both out of there.

{ can i add here adam listened to everything lawrence said, about getting the tape player, about giving him a saw, about playing his little acting game I didn't know where else to fit this in but it's part of the argument that Adam didn't do shit for himself }

Sitting back. A third party. Waitng for his trap partner to put pieces together for him, and giving him every God damn piece of the puzzle when they hit a dead end.

The picture of Ali and Diana. Revealing himself and who he was. Giving Lawrence any knowledge he needed if it meant LAWRENCE could move forward with him following behind. Always one step behind

Trusting the man who is meant to kill him to instead take charge of his very life that had been placed in Lawrence's hands -- to save him. Not for him to save himself.

Watching and interacting indirectly or not at all when given the chance to be a sardonic and unhelpful asshole.

So that's the first thing, y'know ?

He was told to take control and save his life, not to watch himself die. And he did just that. He watched Lawrence Gordon saw himself away to a gun, and gave and watched Lawrence Gordon do so of his own free will.

He gave Lawrence the tools to succeed out of a cowardly, dependant nature. Never in his own life. Always in someone else's. Living off of others and exploiting them.

He did the exact opposite of what he was directed towards.

THAT'S NOT IT THOUGH !!!!

Like I said, the fact that Adam's fucking anger had to be pointed out in a FUCKING JIGSAW TAPE.

That means it's bad. Adam has said it in the trap himself about his girlfriend leaving him for it.

And he didn't even have to say it. He spent half the trap screaming at Lawrence. If he wasn't screaming, he was throwing saws, breaking glass, and threatening to cut Lawrence.

Screaming at an unknown figure.

Screaming at his frustrations. Every fucking thing he says is harsh and biting until he silently resigns himself to this shit.

He never wasn't angry. He never was taking charge.

I honestly fucking believe with all my heart had Adam done what he should have, what was asked of Jigsaw. And it really wasn't much. It was urging him to calm down. To take in his situation. His tools. And to get himself out. Lawrence be damned to Hell.

He had the tools. He had a saw. He had the ability to do an Eric Matthews. He had six fucking hours to get his shit together. To get himself out. To save his own life.

The only thing he actively did to move towards his freedom that wasn't on Lawrence's shoulders was kill Zep.

And saying all that he heard that fucking tape and then did

THE EXACT FUCKING OPPOSITE.

And you're all like , well what the fuck then if Adam wasn't killed by Lawrence and Lawrence didn't kill Adam, the fuck does Lawrence get to live for?

You know why he gets to live?

Despite the time limit being up, Lawrence showed his desire to live. Lawrence did something unthinkable to save and get to different human lives. Lawrence cauterized his own fucking amputated foot.

John had plans for Lawrence as soon as he took him into his trap, and none of us can deny that fact. So long as he won the game.

He didn't quite so much win, but he did do what Jigsaw always wants.

Someone to prove their desire and willingness to do anything to live or to save anyone else.

And y'know what Adam was?

Adam was a fucking key for Lawrence.

Adam had his ways to win that trap without that key.

And he chose to remain a screaming, closed off asshole who relied on someone else to get him help after watching them do anything that needed to be done in that trap.

That is Adam's game over.

Not the key.

His way of handling that trap.

{ Added ; There is no fucking scenario where they both live. Either Lawrence leaves Adam to rot, or Adam leaves him to rot. If Lawrence Gordon lives, there is no reality in which Adam would be free. }

~ feel free to talk and discuss because this is just my interpretation and I wanted to share ~

#saw #adam stanheight #lawrence gordon #jigsaw #ayyyye hyperfixation time #guys im an adam simp i mean him no harm but come one he's a meany #he's actually a scumbag but he's our scumbag

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matchasprouts · 3 years

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Listen Closer - Chapter 7

[ no more writing like a madman! normal update times now wjhejhewbew also Strahm is joining the polycule ]

First || Next || Previous || Last

“We need to go pick up Amanda,” Mark explained to Garrett when he got the most tired yet spite filled glare he’d ever received, all because he had shaken him awake.

Garrett had stayed planted, asleep, in Mark’s lap throughout the rest of the game, which was only a little less than an hour. Even with the incredibly short nap, he still looked better rested than when Mark first showed up.

The apprentice groaned, burying his face in Mark’s neck for a few seconds, as if not being able to see would make it all go away. “... Fine,” he eventually said, sighing softly and picking himself up.

He almost smacked Mark for laughing when his legs tried to give out on him. “Oh shut up,” he growled, gathering up his clothes and getting redressed.

He paused when Mark started to do the same, taking a moment to admire his handiwork in the bite marks and hickeys he’d left. He didn’t usually get the chance to see the marks he’d created, so he was simply soaking it in.

As soon as Mark looked at him, he looked away and finished making himself presentable again.

He didn’t hear Mark chuckle at his embarrassment.

---

“Took you two long enough,” Amanda complained as Mark and Garrett made their way to the bathroom, Garrett tilting his head at the sight of Daniel.

“Are you sure you’ll be fine staying here for another whole day?” Garrett asked her, hoisting the unconscious teenager up and over his shoulder, securing him with an arm over his back and another over the back of his knees.

Amanda scoffed at the concern, which made him narrow his eyes at her. “I’m a big girl, I can handle myself. Besides, we don’t have any other options. We don’t know when Mathers will show up.”

She was right, but Garrett still didn’t like it. Daniel was going to wake up at any point though, so he didn’t have time to argue. “Whatever. Be careful,” he told her, glancing down at Adam’s body before he headed out.

As he placed Daniel in the back seat of his car, he thought back to Adam. He remembered him being alive and in need of medical help. Lawrence had told him that when Jigsaw found him, he had been trying to go and get help for Adam.

Garrett had planned on being that help.

He knew Adam was still alive when he planned to go back for him, he even made sure to check. But, when he finally got down there, Adam was dead. Not from starvation or dehydration- strangulation.

There was a plastic bag around his head and face, filled up with his blood. It was awful. Adam hadn’t deserved to die, he managed to survive all that time just to end up like this.

He couldn’t even be buried, or moved. The bathroom would forever remain his tomb.

That was the night Garrett grabbed the simply white lighter that he kept on him now. The fluid had long since evaporated, so it was truly useless, but it was the lighter that let him see Adam.

Maybe it wasn’t smart to keep the ghost of a man he’d failed to save with him, but this was his version of feeling guilty for not being fast enough.

Garrett shook those thoughts away as he sat down in the driver’s seat.

It wasn’t long before Mark joined him, awkwardly settling down in the slightly too small passenger’s seat and pulling off his thick, leather gloves. It wasn’t likely that Mathers would be smart enough to bring back-up with him, or that anyone would know where he was going, but you could never be too careful in the Jigsaw business.

“You’re fitting into your role well,” Garrett commented once they were on the road, absentmindedly reaching up to scratch the bite that Mark had managed to leave on his neck.

Almost immediately, Mark grabbed his hand and placed it back on the steering wheel. “I’ll admit, this was definitely not how I planned on my life going,” he replied, letting his hand fall back into his lap. “I don’t think any detective plans to become a killer.”

“By technicality, we’re not killers,” Garrett corrected, thinking back to the time Lawrence gave the same speech to Adam. “We just put them in the traps. We give them every chance to get out, and if they choose not to take it, then all they’ve done is kill themselves. Humans inherently want to live. They just forget that sometimes, and we have to remind them.”

Mark just stared at him. “Do you know how apathetic you sound?” he teased, earning a light slap on the arm from Garrett. “I guess you’re right, though.” He didn’t know if Garrett knew about his “trap”, the one he set up for his sister’s killer. The one that was purposefully inescapable.

Not that it would matter if Garrett knew or not, because he would support it. He had a little sister of his own back home in the south, one he would kill for without hesitation. He understood. Murder was just necessary sometimes.

It wasn’t long before they arrived at the current Jigsaw “base”, the one they were using for Mathers’s part of the game.

“You sure you’re okay with putting coworkers in traps?” Garrett asked Mark as he hoisted Daniel onto his shoulder again once they were parked in front of the building. “I mean, Mathers and Kerry are in this.” He only knew either of those people from John’s research, but he knew that they were on the Jigsaw force with Mark.

“I’ve been hoping I won’t be the one to test either of them,” Mark admitted, walking ahead of Garrett to open the doors for him, so he wouldn’t have to risk dropping Daniel. “I know I probably will but… I don’t want to think about it.”

Wow. He cared so much more about his coworkers than Garrett did. He was already planning a trap for the people he worked with.

Garrett hummed at Mark’s reply, leaving it when they entered the main room where John wanted Daniel. “Alright, you go set up the oxygen tank, I need to check all the monitors and make sure they’re set up right.” Mark nodded, and he set Daniel down in the closest chair, heading over to another room to check out the monitors.

The monitors in this room wouldn’t have the tape in them, since they would find it almost immediately, so they were instead connected to the monitors in the apartment. Did Garrett understand how? No. He didn’t ask. He doesn’t care. He just needed to make sure it worked, and he knew how to do that.

When he was done, he returned to Daniel, grabbing him as Mark opened up the safe. He placed the teenager in the safe, curled up and probably uncomfortable, before placing the oxygen mask over his mouth.

Once secure in the knowledge that Daniel would not suffocate, he closed the safe.

“And that’s all we can do,” Garrett said as he moved away from the safe, checking over a few last things before leaving the building. He reached the car before Mark, but only had to wait about a minute before he joined him in the car.

Garrett started the car, but didn’t start moving yet. “So, anywhere you want me to drop you off? I’ve gotta go home- I’ve got shit to do- but I know the city pretty well and can take you just about anywhere.”

Mark just stared at him for a few seconds, thinking over how he should answer. He was silent for like a whole minute, long enough for Garrett to get on the road, before finally responding.

“Can I just go home with you?”

Garrett almost crashed the damn car.

“You- you can say no, it won’t hurt my feelings or anything, I just figured it would easier-”

“Yeah man, I’m cool with that.”

There was silence again, before Mark did that curious little head tilt of his. “Really? You’re sure that’s okay?” he asked, completely unsure if he actually meant it or not.

Garrett shrugged. “Yeah. I mean, you’re cool, and you’ve already literally seen me naked, so I’ve really got nothing against it. I just wasn’t expecting it.”

It was rather out of the blue, of course it caught him off guard. But, he said it was okay, so Mark assumed his apartment was where they were headed.

---

“I think I have pizza in the fridge if you’re hungry,” Garrett said as he opened the door to his apartment, already knowing that the gossip would hit him hard tomorrow. “Don’t bother trying to find any sort of alcohol, I don’t drink.” Yes, he knew Mark was an alcoholic for a while.

Mark rolled his eyes at the mention of it, but did seem surprised to learn that Garrett didn’t drink.

He pulled off his jacket after carefully closing the door, hooking it on the jacket stand next to the door. He glanced around the room, even more surprised that Garrett’s apartment was incredibly clean and organized.

“Yep, there’s pizza in here.” Garrett’s voice snapped Mark out of his thoughts, turning to watch as his fellow apprentice placed a pizza box on the kitchen counter, opening it up and grabbing a slice that he straight up bit into cold.

“Well, make yourself at home. I have some trap plans I need to work on,” he continued, pulling Mark down by the tie to kiss him on the cheek before moving past him into his bedroom.

If he wanted to be left alone, he probably shouldn’t have touched Mark, because now he was following him to the bedroom, and closing the door behind him.

It was going to be a long night if this keeps happening.

#story tag: listen closer #self ship fic #self shipping #self insert #scrap.writing #scrap.ships #s/i: garrett whitlock #mark hoffman #lawrence gordon #peter strahm #<- you know i like to tag them before they're introduced #romantic: 🦿🩺#romantic: ⛓🕵️‍♂️#romantic: 🖊💧#(poly) romantic: ⛓🩺🖊#chapter 7

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mlentertainment · 2 years

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this is probably incomprehensible but tom is lawrence tom IS LAWRENCE and he's married to shiv hoffman, who goes a little saw cop nutso post tom going missing. tom chickened out of cheating on shiv with greg (adam), logan finds out, throws them into the bathroom. caroline is jill, kendall is amanda. even the baby-killing thing fits in a weird way. (this last one's a joke but also not. i can't figure out where he sits so I'm going to say that roman at one point gets stuck in that one saw trap in the display window except now there multiple people on each end) I can elaborate on any one of these if need be

yes yes exactly yes TOM IS LAWRENCE!!! also i think connor was logan-the-apprentice, the first apprentice who isn't relatively in the narrative of Jigsaw (perhaps until much later?? 👀) but who WAS subject to all of jigsaw's philosophy and nightmarish bullshit FIRST. he is the Eldest Son. what's nuts is roman totally fits amanda's love for obsession with john, like he'll never die, he can't die, he's dad,,,,, but also kendall just Is amanda. so what the hell

OH ACTUALLY ALSO WAIT the waiter was 100% the cellmate in the RBT trap. right? kendall thinks he's already dead, knows he has no choice to save his own skin, and of course when he survives logan is There For Him, he'll Protect Him, because he murdered that boy in there. GOD!!!!

#would you mind elaborating on the shiv hoffman connection?? i think i get it but i want to hear more of your thoughts 👀#sawcession #ask #pitayapandi

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angeltrapz · 3 years

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for the “give me a character” meme! Eric, Adam, William, Mallick, Strahm, Rigg!!!!

YESS thank u!!!!

Eric:

How I feel about this character: That's my boy!!! <33

All the people I ship romantically with this character: Uuuu okay. Adam, obviously, but concerning the SAW polycule: Adam, Art, Lawrence, William, & Mallick!!

My non-romantic OTP for this character: Him & Rigg!!! That's his best friend!!! + he and Gibson in the Eric Lives AU!! (Gibson IS dating his best friend + recognizes that he's made the effort to change <3)

My unpopular opinion about this character: You Understand This but the idea that he's irredeemable/deserved to die is complete and utter bullshit. This post that you made perfectly describes my feelings on that!!

One thing I wish would happen/had happened with this character in canon: Firstly that he. Y'know. Didn't die. But I would have loved to see any of his interactions with Hoffman? Obviously they knew each other + I like to think they have since they were in academy together, so there's gotta be some sort of history there, y'know?? I feel like he definitely cared about Eric so I would've been very interested to see more regarding that relationship! + one more big one: I wish he knew/was at least made aware of the fact that Daniel was ALIVE and okay. It kills me thinking abt how this man died not knowing if his child made it out.

Adam:

How I feel about this character: I loooove him he deserved better. I relate pretty heavily to him.

All the people I ship romantically with this character: Hehe. Lawrence obviously!! Chainshipping is a HUGE comfort ship for me. BUT! Regarding the SAW polycule: Lawrence, Eric, William, Gibson, & Mallick!! + when concerning that alternative canon continuity we've been talking abt, Strahm. But only in that circumstance lol,,

My non-romantic OTP for this character: MANDY!!! In any AU where she's either not a disciple or abandoned her apprenticeship, I firmly believe that he and Amanda would be best friends. Mean gay/lesbian solidarity siblings who would fight tooth and nail for each other + who get each other on a level that not many others can. Pamela also!! Along w Mandy I like to think they talk about their experiences being trans a lot + just bitching w each other lol.

My unpopular opinion about this character: IDK how unpopular this actually is but I 100% believe that Adam would never become a disciple in any capacity, ESP not of his own accord. I genuinely think he'd rather die. That's just not something I can see him doing in any circumstance.

One thing I wish would happen/had happened with this character in canon: I wish someone had gotten him out of the bathroom :( And in an AU where he lives I hope someone tells him what a bastard Zep was!! No one made that dude hold a gun to Diana's head and listen to her heartbeat what the FUCK was that!!

William:

How I feel about this character: He's such a sweetheart I love him,, <33

All the people I ship romantically with this character: Lawrence & Adam <3 in the polycule though this includes Eric & Mallick!!

My non-romantic OTP for this character: He and Pamela obviously!! His sister is his best friend and they're there for each other 100%.

My unpopular opinion about this character: Much like Eric I don't think he deserved to die/that he's completely irredeemable... he fights so hard to save everyone and is utterly devastated when he can't. He's willing to hurt himself to save others (nearly dislocating his shoulders trying to keep both Addy and Allen, burning himself with the steam for Debbie, etc.) and it's like. John is always talking about how it can't be personal but it seems pretty fucking personal here!

One thing I wish would happen/had happened with this character in canon: The fact that nobody saw how hard he fought for his coworkers + the sacrifices he made for them upsets me to no end. That was intentional. John didn't want Tara + Brent (or Pamela for that matter!) to see him as human and that fucking bothers me!! So basically I just wish that they could've seen it via camera like literally almost every trap victim gets in some capacity!!

Mallick:

How I feel about this character: Yet another character I relate to wayyy too much <33 I love him...

All the people I ship romantically with this character: BRIT!!! + concerning the SAW polycule: Adam, Eric, William, & Lawrence!! (Art maybe too,,)

My non-romantic OTP for this character: I like to think he and Laura would've gotten along actually? I feel like that would be a good, healthy friendship. And I do like the idea of he and Brit like this too!! Other than that maybe Mandy? I feel like they could relate to each other a little bit, help each other when they're feeling brainweird,, (Mallick n Mandy: havers of Symptoms Disorder <3)

My unpopular opinion about this character: Again I don't know if it's unpopular, persay, but uh. I don't think the Mallick we meet in V would willingly sit and listen to Bobby Dagen in 3D. He'd hate that dude. My take on it is that Brit didn't survive V (although I think read somewhere that the crew confirmed she survived?) and that's why he was there: because he'd lost the one true connection he'd made in god knows how long. That's rlly the only way I see him sitting thru Dagen's bullshit lmao.

One thing I wish would happen/had happened with this character in canon: I wanted him to see Brit again,, and I just wanted to see him more in general tbh, esp because he makes a reappearance where so many prior Jigsaw survivors do not. I would've liked to see him interact with Simone given that they both lost a limb/nearly a limb (in Mallick's case). This is related to that, but I also wish the evidence of the 10 Pints trap wasn't just. A tiny scar? I HC that it took his whole hand, so.

Strahm:

How I feel about this character: Ohhh my beloved. Why didn't they give you a better narrative it would've been SO interesting. I love you though <3

All the people I ship romantically with this character: Honestly? Still super fond of Gibson/Strahm in a scenario where things are different,, I've written quite a bit abt them and kinda want to again but if I do it'll probably be. Not for a while + VASTLY different. but recent additions have been Hoffman (I used to. not understand Stroffman whatsoever. now I Get It) and Adam!!

My non-romantic OTP for this character: PEREZ!!! I've always thought of them as best friends since I first saw IV, and I do think he genuinely cared about her - quite a lot, actually, esp given how devastated he was when she was injured. They hang out at each other's apartments all the time + get coffee regularly. I love them.

My unpopular opinion about this character: I don't think he's a dumbass?? I don't know if that's unpopular. I think that he's IMPULSIVE and that it gets him into trouble, but Strahm has always struck me as incredibly intelligent + has a good moral compass for the most part?? I mean, he figured out there was a second apprentice (second as far as he knows, anyway) helping with traps just by examining Kerry's crime scene. I think he's VERY smart. He just acts quickly + sometimes that means there's not much planning for if things go south. (I DO agree that showing up to the packing plant w/out backup was dumb though,, doesn't mean he DESERVED the Water Cube but y'know)

One thing I wish would happen/had happened with this character in canon: It's not really mentioned if he does in canon, but I wish he'd been made aware of the fact that Perez was alive,, it bothers me that he might've died not knowing she was okay. The other thing is that I wish he'd survived V!!! I think it would've been WAY more narratively satisfying for him to kinda follow in Tapp's footsteps as a vigilante Jigsaw hunter. (That's why I love yr takes on him so much!!)

Rigg:

How I feel about this character: He has such a big heart. He cares so so much. I wish ppl talked about him more :(

All the people I ship romantically with this character: Gibson!!! And uhh Hoffman, but they're exes,, but! In a scenario I'm kind of going over in my head, maaaybe Adam... the basics though is that he searches the Nerve Gas House independently and somehow finds the Bathroom following II, and He is the one to rescue Adam. Very tentative abt that one though bc I'm still working it out lol. (Possibly Eric/Adam/Rigg???)

My non-romantic OTP for this character: Eric!!! His best friend <3 I think he's also pretty close with Kerry, though I think he hangs out w her independent of Eric given,, the messy ex situation. I think he probably got along well with Fisk too!! OH and I think he and Sing would've been good friends as well. The chaos of a Rigg/Gibson/Sing friend trio...

My unpopular opinion about this character: Mmm I don't know that I have one? Other than maybe like. I understood why he went through the door. He knew Eric was on the other side; he just didn't know the circumstances or what would happen if he went through. All he knew was that he was that much closer to someone he's been trying to find/rescue for MONTHS + someone he cares for deeply. Of COURSE he went through. He breaks my heart ugh,,,

One thing I wish would happen/had happened with this character in canon: I wish he hadn't even been tested!!!! His one flaw was that he cared about ppl and somehow John saw that as something he needed to fix!!! Like yes I do agree that it was eating away at him and the obsession might've been unhealthy, but that's two of his closest friends dude!! I don't think he deserved to be tested for that. I don't. He just wanted to help ppl and keep them safe. I absolutely despise how Rigg was treated dkjflkdf!!!!

#saw #eric #adam #william #mallick #strahm #rigg #asks #long post #THANK U I loved getting 2 answer this!!!#+ if anyone else wants 2 send more for different SAW characters I'm still open to these!!#dude I have So Many Feelings abt rigg lately goddd #also I just realized tht this is all my f/os. rigg is a platonic one But Still!!!

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tibby · 1 year

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bc it is mandy monday can i ask for more mandy thoughts/hcs/analysis/anything u want to share (feel free to ignore if ur over me asking for jigsquadposts)

this is a week old and another mandy monday is upon us so i will talk about something i have touched on briefly in the past but haven't gone super in depth on, which is the significance that the matthews men play in amanda's life - daniel for the better, eric for the worst.

something i think is really tragic about amanda, specifically due to her implied (canonical in the original iii script) abusive childhood at the hands of her father, is that so many of the people who alter her life are men. with the exception of jill (and perhaps lynn), it's the men we see who change things for amanda, and usually in a way that damages her even more: john, eric, cecil, hoffman, xavier. only two men in all her movies show her kindness without any strings attached: adam and daniel matthews (arguably jonas too, but i can't imagine him being rough with her when she first ""woke up"" in nerve gas house helped things). adam's kindness causes her to have guilty dreams about the role she played in his suffering, and it leads to her mercy killing him.

daniel's kindness, however, leads to her protecting him more than she needs to...while also knowing she'd be leading his father to his suffering and death. it's interesting, and i wish they explored daniel matthews more in the later movies, because while i don't think amanda regrets hurting eric (when i think she does regret other things she's done), she does regret daniel having to take part in everything. maybe she considered killing his father to be a blessing (her own father, and the conditioning she suffered under john and her desire to save others from that fate), but forcing daniel to participate still hospitalised him and gave him lifelong trauma. given amanda's guilt and own lifelong trauma, i can imagine that hangs heavy over her head. both because despite her understandable thrill of having power she doesn't actually enjoy enacting violence against others (eric aside), and because daniel was genuinely kind to her.

while it's likely that xavier's actions in the nerve gas house did irreversible damage to amanda's view of humanity and john's philosophy (xavier hurting everyone + having to return to the atmosphere created by john and hoffman absolutely did a number on her), i think daniel matthews was fighting against that, if involuntarily. daniel matthews, only in the game to punish his father, who could have been like him in all the worst ways, but instead was the opposite. a terrified fifteen year old child who thought he was going to die but still went out of his way to try and help everyone else, even when amanda was the only one who helped him (and at first, that was all based on ulterior motives). daniel is the only one who asks amanda about her earlier game or tries to comfort her and is the only one who speaks up when she's thrown in the needle pit and almost jumps in there himself to help her, while all the adults just stand around. but it's not just amanda he's kind to. daniel worries about addison and jonas and is distraught by what happens to obi, and he even tries to reason with xavier. from the very beginning, he's the only one besides amanda who shows genuine concern for laura who is clearly weakening faster than the others. i honestly think it's the moment he helps her leave the first room that makes amanda start to change her perspective on helping daniel, because god this brief moment haunts me:

amanda had to keep daniel alive for the sake of eric's game but i think it's undeniable that she grew to care about him in her own way, even before daniel saved her life (and lord, the daniel killing xavier to save amanda vs adam killing zep to save lawrence parallels). daniel reminded amanda that people can be good and humanity isn't beyond hope, and that meant something to her. i think in some ways, daniel's actions gave amanda a glimmer of hope and crushed it in the same breath: because he saved her life, but had he not been there, had he not been kind...she would have died. because john didn't account for her guaranteed survival by testing her again.

and so, daniel's actions alone aren't enough to save her on the path that other men had already put her on.

(and while eric matthews deserved everything he got and more, there's a certain tragedy in daniel being the one to save amanda's life, only for her to live on and set his father up for death. what is saw about if not being the ones to seal the tragic fates of the people we love?)

and while eric matthews wasn't the only man to push amanda towards her eventual death and destruction (again: her father, john, hoffman, cecil, xavier all played significant roles there), eric planting evidence on her and sending her to jail is ultimately the reason she fell into the paths of most of these men. amanda's addiction starts with her time in prison. it's that that leads to her knowing cecil, to the night of jill's miscarriage, to being tested, to being taken under john's wing, to witnessing xavier's cruelty, to being set up to fail by hoffman. eric matthew's cruelty and selfishness and abuse of power alter amanda's life forever, not once, but twice: he sends her to prison and sets off the aforementioned chain of events. and he makes her so hungry for revenge that he becomes the first person she tries to kill with genuine malice and hatred, and from that point on...she's changed. the kindness of one man did nothing to outweigh the cruelty of numerous others - particularly that of the kind man's father.

#ask #bestjoycestan #meta #amanda young #daniel matthews #eric matthews #does this make sense. i hope so because i did not read over it.

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amandabe11man · 3 years

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Okay here’s my little essay about why I think lawrence’s victory over hoffman in Saw 3D doesn’t make sense from a narrative standpoint.

I don’t claim to be a perfect storyteller or anything (like, at all), but while I like Lawrence, my bullshit-sensors are tingling every time I think about the conclusion of this franchise.

yeah I know, I'm looking really dumb trying to bring logic into the goddamn Saw-movies, but just hear me out...:

first of all, we need to talk about Lawrence in comparison to the other apprentices. I’m not the first one to point out that lawrence’s reasons for helping John are pretty much never mentioned ever. I made a post earlier on about how I felt it wasn’t meant to be that way (because it seemed like just another ‘BET YOU DIDN’T SEE THAT COMING’-twist ending) but an anon clarified that there actually were hints through the earlier movies that Lawrence would become a jigsaw-apprentice, so that theory of mine was debunked, just so we’re clear.

ANYWAY where was I? yeah, about Lawrence. just like all the characters, he’s layered. he’s a regular joe just living life, trying to be a good person while still making bad choices. he’s flawed, but again, who isn’t? that’s why it’s so whack to see him return again in 3D, all slow-clapping and obviously villainous. like- I know it’s been a few years since the first movie then, but where the hell did that personality change come from? from getting a divorce? c’mon, anyone could see that coming even back in the first movie. move on, man. and aside from that little detail + the flashback of how John took him in and made him an apprentice, we don’t get anything else about how Lawrence’s life supposedly took a dive after all that. it’s just nada up until 3D.

now, to put things into perspective, think about how Amanda and Hoffman’s reasons for helping John both made a lot more sense given what kind of people they were (I mean yeah, hoffman was blackmailed, but he killed anyway before that). amanda was a vulnerable drug-addict, bent on self-destruction. until she died, working for John gave her a new sense of purpose in life; one she thought she could handle, even though she couldn’t in the end. it wasn’t meant to be, and she even admits it. of course her helping John at all after what he did to her is illogical, but if you think about the kind of person Amanda was, you can see why she would do that. that way, it makes sense.

now, hoffman is hoffman, I get it. guy’s a douche, but this franchise has a lot of those. his corruption-arc also makes sense though, when you take into account what he’s been through. his sister was murdered, the killer didn’t get punished, and he took the law into his own hands, and he just kinda kept going after that until John made him agree to be an apprentice.

what I'm saying is: Amanda and hoffman being apprentices doesn’t feel foreign when you think about their circumstances. now, Lawrence was traumatized after the bathroom, sure. he cut his foot off and got crazy enough to try to kill Adam. he “had” to make the choice between his family or killing Adam. given how he’s a doctor, knowing that he almost killed a man must surely keep him up at night sometimes. because he’s supposed to save people, not kill them.

it’d be helpful though, if we got to see literally anything of this. give the viewer a reason to believe why Lawrence, a well-off doctor, would do a heel-turn to help a serial killer who targeted him and his family. my best guess is that after Alison divorced him (and presumably took Diana with her), he just felt he might as well not gaf about being a good man anymore, because now he only lives for himself. his family can’t be in danger if they’re not even in his life anymore, right? i suppose that sort of spite could be enough of a reason for him to go off the deep end, but it’s still a weak reason to help the serial killer who had it out for you and helped put you in that situation to begin with.

this could be the reason, if it wasn’t for the fact that the first time he met with his family again after the bathroom, Lawrence had already been made into a jigsaw-apprentice. brainwashed or not, he’d already made the choice before a divorce had even happened, so that just adds another level of confusion to all this.

so yeah, the ending to 3D happens, and we return to where this all started; the bathroom. and this time, Lawrence is the one to shut the door on someone who, in a way, deserves it. Justice is served, and all that. but when you think about it... there’s not much poetic justice in Lawrence locking hoffman in there at all. why? because hoffman wasn’t involved in the bathroom-trap back when it happened to Adam and Lawrence.

wouldn’t it have come into a much more satisfying full circle if Lawrence had locked John, or even Amanda, in there, since they were the ones responsible for his particular trap? having him lock John in there would of course be the BEST option, since Amanda used to be just another victim as well. therefore, having John be put into a trap of his own, and by one of his victims no less, would just have been-- like, so good. just mirroring john’s actions at the end of 1 where he left Adam to die, thereby giving a nice little conclusion to how Lawrence felt about that too. Adam wasn’t given a choice in the end, so Lawrence will leave John there the same way. yeah, he’s dead since Saw 3, but just imagine a scenario where he’d stayed alive somehow till the end, where he wouldn’t have been able to die on his own terms. THAT’S poetic justice, baby!

but no, instead we get Lawrence taking revenge for Jill on john’s behalf, because...? why does he care about Jill? what’s stopping Lawrence from just bailing as soon as John died? Hoffman got the short end of the stick because he just wasn’t likable to enough people, I suppose. but when you think deeper about it, he has no connection to the bathroom whatsoever. there are no parallels to be had between him and that place. if we wanna be logical about it, have him end up in a trap of his own making instead, or better yet; have Strahm survive and be the one to put him in that trap of his own making, since they had their whole cat-and-mouse-dynamic going on. they had a history and it would make sense for Strahm to finally be the one to kill him. but who is Lawrence to hoffman? dunno, bc the movie doesn’t care to tell us that little detail.

i suppose the conclusion is that I can see why they would have Lawrence shut someone in the bathroom, because parallels n shit. my issue is mostly with how the one being shut in there never personally wronged Lawrence, afaik. hoffman has done a lot of shit to warrant punishment, but not when it’s dished out by Lawrence, because he never did anything to him. still, we’re supposed to cheer for Lawrence for this, when we barely know of his circumstances. all I see is a weird favoritism towards Lawrence from john’s side. after all, he did always respectfully(?) refer to Lawrence as “dr. gordon”, while almost all his other victims were addressed by their first names. (very weird, since John was mad enough at Lawrence to put him in a trap. but go off I guess) not to mention, Lawrence failed to (attempt to) kill Adam on time, but hey, he cut off his foot in desperation to get out, so uh... guess that makes him worthy, in john’s eyes? doesn’t change the fact that Lawrence failed his “game”.

not only did he fail in that regard, but before then, he failed in his marriage, he wasn’t there for Diana as much as he should’ve been, he failed his crazy patient, and he failed Adam by not sending help back for him for some reason (that’s a whole different post that someone else has already made though, lol). throughout the whole series, Lawrence has been rewarded when he shouldn’t have been, basically. sure, he’s estranged from his family, but that’s about the only setback that he’s endured since John let him go that first time. by the time 3D rolls around, he’s cynical, but he seems to be doing just fine anyway.

and that’s the very long reason why I think that Lawrence essentially getting the last laugh in the original franchise doesn’t sit right with me. boom

#saw #saw movies #Lawrence gordon #i promise I like him omg #but I like it even more when a character arc makes sense #SNK has hurt me in that way I guess

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shadowfae · 3 years

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Do you want to explain what that last ask was? I gotta say you look like an entitled prick in your response and the asker was making some pretty serious accusations. I thought you seemed chill but that entire thing is painting you in a pretty messed up light.

You’re right. I do sound like an entitled prick, and to be quite honest? That’s just fine. Because if I’m a heartless jerk, they can’t hurt me. They can’t touch me if I don’t give them anything to argue with.

This happened in the Evillious Chronicles fandom - you may know best the Vocaloid song Servant of Evil, that’s their most famous song. In the English discord for it.

Well, there was me and a few other ‘kin folks in there, all fictionkind from EC, all of varying ages. This was... I want to say 2016. I could be wrong. Scroll back in my blog and check when I figured out I was Pale, that happened right at the beginning of it.

I was 16-17 or so, maybe 15? I don’t remember. But there was Seth, who was twelve, and Lawrence, who was like 21.

Seth is Seth Twiright. Lawrence was Adam Moonlit. Me, Pale Noel. Seth decided in all his twelve year old traumatized wisdom he was gonna get Lawrence to date him, because he missed his own Adam and figured this one was good enough. He said they were canonmates. Maybe they were. I don’t know and I don’t care.

Lawrence was this British guy in uni for physics who liked visual novels and talking to like-minded others, but didn’t get fandom very much and was so not prepared for this bullshit.

Seth liked the NSFW channels of the server, before the 18+ restriction on them. He had a few notable triggers - the word ‘daddy’ was the big one, there were others - and the rule was, triggers are banned in all but the trigger channels which were free for all. Unfortunately, this meant there had to be two NSFW channels, one where Seth ruled and you couldn’t say daddy, and one where you could and somehow he was still allowed in it.

(Edit: I forgot to mention, but like. Looking back, why the fuck was a 12yo allowed in the NSFW channels. Why.)

I dunno. Anyway, so Lawrence lets Seth make friends with him, Seth fixates the hell on Lawrence because he’s twelve and gay and doesn’t have a good support system or whatever. I was friends with Seth beforehand, because his kintype was mine’s creator and I did trust him a little automatically because of it. (I also immediately trust anyone named Yegor or Raisa, no surprise there). I shouldn’t have. Damn it, I shouldn’t have. But I did.

Seth also was very, very suicidal. Kid should’ve been hospitalized multiple times. But here’s me, who’s like sixteen and doesn’t know any better. I talk him out of suicide.

Again. And again. And again. I didn’t go forty-eight FUCKING hours without talking him back from death’s door. It got so bad, that after like six months of this, I couldn’t eat more than a third a plate of food or half a can of soup without immediately throwing it up, because of the stress. My family actually noticed to the point I was finally allowed to go get therapy, which I’d needed for years.

Me, who just wanted all my friends to not die, spent over a year constantly talking everyone out of suicide. Even Lawrence turned to me, and I helped.

Lawrence tried to take some time off to work on his visual novel. Seth started having such bad suicidal episodes I told Lawrence I’d kill him with my bare hands if he didn’t come back and help me fucking deal with it, because I wasn’t good enough and Seth wanted him.

This got back to the server, one of the admins said this was too far out of line, and I got thrown from the server. I confessed to Seth how suicidal I was, trusting he’d talk to me the same way I’d been talking to him for probably two years, and he said something like “I don’t have the energy for this I’m sorry :(” like I’d ever had the energy to do it for him and yet somehow, I still did.

I almost failed two finals - two very important finals that determined what universities I could even apply to - because I couldn’t study because I had to talk him out of suicide.

By the time all was said and done, I’d been the only one keeping three people from killing themselves for over six months. Lawrence, and Seth. And also myself.

Two or three years later, you know what I know?

Seth called Lawrence a pedophile when and only when Lawrence proved he wasn’t going to let Seth control his every move. Before then, he doted on him like no tomorrow. He realized he could just say “pedophile” and everyone would believe him. I did too, until I’d been away long enough to realize he’d been manipulating me, too.

Seth started it. He fucking started it! Lawrence just wanted to make some friends and talk about his experiences as Adam. He actually made up a girlfriend and roleplayed as her with her own discord account in hopes we’d fucking believe him and leave him alone. At the time, I mocked it, but I’d been manipulated by Seth and didn’t understand it.

Seth will tell you Lawrence is a pedophile. He wasn’t. He was the poor bastard who just so happened to be kind to a megalomaniacal twelve year old (note, Seth did turn thirteen somewhere in here so if I fuck that up, forgive me) and just so happened to fit what he wanted to do.

I. Kept. Seth. Alive.

I kept five fucking people alive, when I was sixteen, and what do I get out of it? Seth tells me that I’m the worst thing that’s ever happened to him. I do not and might not for a decade be able to interact with EC. My own source. Nobody in this fandom save for Soubi, who knew me before and still follows me, will forgive me, because I told Lawrence I’d kill him myself if he didn’t help me keep Seth alive.

I can’t go back to my own source because Seth wanted to see how many people he could manipulate into adoring him. It’s been three years, and if you stress me out enough, I still throw up.

You’ll notice I have very little fear response anymore. I don’t get scared. I just get angry. Go on, guess why that is. Guess! It’s because he traumatized me! He traumatized all of us!

I don’t like calling myself traumatized. You know why. Other people had it worse. And for the most part, I’m over it. I can’t talk anyone out of suicide anymore, not even once. It reminds me of the pure, primal terror of keeping five people alive. One, I could’ve handled. Two, if one was me, yeah sure. But three? No. It was too much.

One was too much to ask of any sixteen year old.

I still throw up if I get stressed. I can never give anyone who really needs it the kindness I gave a twelve year old who didn’t deserve it. But you know what?

If I had to go back and do it all over again, if you made me go through it all, I wouldn’t change a thing. Because I thought he was a victim. Because I thought he was truly hurt. Because I wanted to help.

He didn’t deserve it. Frankly, if he’d died somewhere along the way and instead of him coming into my inbox and bitching about how horrible I am you’d told me he was dead, I wouldn’t be upset. I don’t want to say “Good riddance,” because I wouldn’t say that, but I wouldn’t mourn him.

Maybe Seth deserved better in the start. But I can’t say he deserved better than me, because saving him and everyone was the strongest, bravest thing I’ve ever done. Because he didn’t fucking deserve me, but I deserve me, and what I did was brave. What I did was cruel. What I did was kind.

At the end of the day, I saw a hurting teen who needed help, and I helped. It doesn’t matter that it was all a lie. I did what I could. I did what I had to.

Let him tell the world I traumatized him, because I made damn sure he lived. Let him call me worse than a pedophile, because I refuse to let his memory silence me. Let him stew in his hatred and his sorrow and his megalomania, because I stopped being suicidal, because I realized nothing could be worse than what I’d just been through.

Sometimes you have to argue like an asshole. I’m not going to justify myself to him anymore. I’m not gonna give them something to argue about, they aren’t doing it in good faith. I’m not going to reason with them, they won’t listen. I deserve better.

I do. It just took me far, far too long to realize it.

#asks #sleeping-deity #kin drama //#that ec drama

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dontgotothenetherworld · 4 years

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boo! rewrite (lydia x reader)

so i wanted to rewrite one of my first fics, to see how much my writing has improved, and boo! was the one that stood out to me. if you read the original, i’m sorry. i’m changing basically everything from the original except for the concept because holy h*ck was that painful for me to reread.

reader is barbara’s niece, and she enlists adam, an english teacher, to help her with her essay. unfortunately, it’s the day that adam and barbara die.

2118 words

cw: femreader. brief reference to suicide.

your eyes glazed over the shakespearean english. you couldn’t figure out what anyone was trying to say, and you weren’t entirely sure that you cared enough to try. but you hadn’t bought a no fear version of the play yet, so that had to count for something.

your teacher claimed she could tell when kids just googled a synopsis and such to write their essay, but you weren’t entirely sure. you were also scared of this particular teacher, so you didn’t really want to risk it.

you made it three more pages before giving up. you checked your phone to be greeted by a text from your friend, “we sold out of the no fears. i tried to save a copy for you but my boss wanted to sell it. sorry and good luck.” they sent. they worked at a local bookstore. the local bookstore. the only one in town.

you began to panic. it was saturday, 3:57 pm, and your essay was due on sunday at 11:59 pm. shit. you would probably be able to finish reading the book if you started now, but still remains the problem of understanding it. and all that before you even think about writing an essay, where you have to convince your teacher that you truly get all the inner complexities of england’s greatest writer, as well as applying it to your own life. shit shit shit.

you bit the inside of your lip, somehow convinced that if you just sat there and tried to figure out how you were going to get all of the work done, that miraculously you wouldn’t have to do it anymore. because that makes sense. all you need to do to solve a problem is think up the solution. no further action necessary.

you sighed, and prepared yourself for the “i told you so”s that would inevitably come, as you texted your uncle, adam.

adam always made it known to you that if you ever needed any help in english, that he could help you, but you always told him, “english is my native language, i won’t need any help.” like the smart ass that you are.

”i have to finish a crib for the o'briens, so i’ll have to split my attention, but yeah! come on over!” adam replied. “but i will not write your essay for you, okay?” he sent after a minute.

”thanks, adam! i’ll be right over!” you texted him back. you grabbed your book, your laptop, and your keys, and you were out of there.

you always found it odd how the two sweetest people you knew had the creepiest house in town. the house practically begged to house some vampires, and while you were pretty sure that adam and his wife barbara weren’t vampires, a part of you always hoped they were.

you tried to figure out how they could be actually undead, while you drove to their house. you assumed that adam would’ve had to become a vampire first, because if barbara were a vampire, then that would mean that your mom would also be a vampire, and that just didn’t make sense. but then again, adam doesn’t seem particularly ancient. although if he was from, say, shakespeare’s time, that would make sense why he would understand his work so much. and adam is an ap brit lit teacher…

you shook your silly ideas off and parked in the maitland’s driveway.

even though adam said you would only have his divided attention, he pretty much abandoned working on the crib as soon as you walked in the door, already starting to explain the basic plot of the play.

barbara drifted in and out of the room, offering food everytime she did. maybe that was just further proof that she’s a vampire! wait, no. she would still have once been human, so she’d understand how often humans need to eat. also, shakespeare, not vampires! come on, you need to focus!

after successfully tricking adam into thinking that you had read the whole book, and he told you as many details as he could remember, he decided it was time for a break. you agreed. you needed a little bit of time to figure out how to best get him to write your body paragraphs for you. getting him to just explain stuff to you probably wouldn’t work, because he’s not the most concise person. and getting him to literally type them out wouldn’t work, because adam’s gullible, not stupid.

your aunt and uncle decided to show you around the house. they were in the midst of many renovations, and they wanted to show you what they had done so far, as well as what they planned on doing.

”oh, y/n, would you look at the wood on this banister? i know you don’t really care about all the little details like i do, but it’s just so gorgeous.” said adam.

you walked closer to the stairs, next to the couple.

unfortunately, that was the last thing you did as a living, breathing person. the floor gave out, sending the three of you into the basement. the fall killed you.

you were the first to catch on to that.

you came back as a ghost, because of course ghosts are real. and while the maitlands were screaming about the fireplace and how cold they were, you noticed that your heart had stopped beating. you noticed that your fingers were numb. and when you stopped breathing, you didn’t get lightheaded, nothing happened.

it had been a few days since then. there was a demon who offered to help the maitlands who came. but the maitlands didn’t allow you near him. one of the downsides to being dead is no sleep. you couldn’t lose consciousness if you tried. and you have. compounded with the fact that you were always drowsy, you were pretty sure that you were in a low level of hell.

you had taken to gazing longingly out the windows. you couldn’t go outside, lest you get eaten by a sandworm, whatever that meant, so you settled for this, hoping that the soccer mom walking her dog would look up and freak out when she saw you.

but no one ever saw you.

you considered seeking the demon out to ask him what actually happened when sandworms ate ghosts, but a flurry of moving trucks interrupted your thoughts.

the movers began dragging the boxes and the pieces of furniture into the house, as directed by a tall, bearded man.

you jumped up and glided down the multiple sets of stairs, to the front door.

as a new person walked in, you would scream, “boo!” as you crept up behind them. to no avail. no one as much as flinched.

you eventually gave up, and roamed the first floor. just looking for someone you hadn’t already tried to scare. sitting in the kitchen, was a red-headed woman. you said, “boo.” she looked up, like she had heard you, but then looked right through you. still invisible.

what’s the fun of being a ghost if you can’t mess with people? maybe you needed to just become a poltergeist. that could be fun, hurling cookie jars at these idiots. you chuckled to yourself at the thought of it.

you wandered into another room. a dining room, maybe? the bearded man from before was in there. you slipped a wine glass out of it’s box, and threw it at him. being a bad aim, you hit the wall about a foot to his right, but the point got across. the glass exploded on impact, making the man jump.

you smiled.

you turned around, to leave the room to find more people to torment, but the demon you were supposed to be avoiding was leaning in the door frame. “impressive.” he said.

”go away, lawrence.” you replied. he cringed at the name.

”what? don’t you want me to show you more ways you can mess with them?” he crossed his arms defensively.

”you’re a literal demon, so excuse me if i don’t trust you. and i’ve only just started throwing things at them, so i think i’ll stick to that for a while.” you glanced around the room for another way out, but there were none.

the demon grunted, and walked away, presumably to the attack to talk to your aunt and uncle again. you felt bad for them, but at least you didn’t have to deal with him.

you wandered into the living room, or was it family room? you never knew which was which and why they were two different rooms. but there was a girl, dressed in all black, flipping through a photo album on the couch. she looked to be about your age. this was definitely the first time you had seen her, so you decided to try to scare her using your old way, even though you were really itching to throw the candelabra that was on the other side of the room. you weren’t sure if that was from this new family, or from adam and barbara. it looked cool, though.

”boo!” you yelled.

the girl whipped her head around. her eyes found you immediately. “who are you and what are you doing in this house.” she demanded. she shut the photo album and stood to face you.

”wow you can both hear and see me, that’s a new one!” you exclaimed.

the girl narrowed her eyes.

”uh, i’m y/n. nice to meet you?”

”what are you doing in this house?”

”i- well, uh, this house used to belong to my aunt and uncle before the, um, died. and-”

”if you need to get any of their stuff, you better do it quickly before my dad gets rid of it.” she interrupted you. “but couldn’t you have done this before the house was sold?”

”you see, i was also in this house when my aunt and uncle died. all three of us were standing right about there,” you pointed at a spot a few feet in front of the girl, “and uh, we all died.”

”you’re dead?” the girl asked, her previous hostility turning to curiosity.

”yeah.”

”that is so cool.” she peered oddly at you.

”uhm not really. you’re the first person who’s been able to see me. i mean, i threw a wine glass at your dad earlier and that was kinda fun, but other than that… sucks, man.”

”oh.” the girl slumped over.

you walked closer to her, “what’s your name, by the way?”

her head bobbed back up, “lydia. you said you were y/n?”

”yeah.”

lydia poked your upper arm. “so you’re corporeal.”

”yeah.”

lydia blinked and looked around awkwardly. “does dying make you bad at conversations?”

”i don’t think so. all the other dead people i know are really chatty.”

”so it’s you that’s bad.”

”you are also involved in this conversation, lydia.” you snarked back.

lydia crossed her arms. “you said something about ‘all the other dead people’ you know. are you just talking about your aunt and uncle, or are there other ghosts haunting this place?”

”no and no? i’m not actually sure his dead or alive status, but there’s a demon here.”

lydia laughed. “a demon? that’s hilarious, tell me the truth.”

”you are talking to a literal dead girl right now, why would i lie to you?”

the laughter faded from her face. “you’re right. what does the demon want here?”

”i’m not really sure. he seems kinda gross, so i’ve been keeping away from him.” you wrinkled your nose, “but as far as i know, barbara and adam. that’s their names, by the way. my aunt and uncle. like, i keep accidentally overhearing him hit on them, and it makes me want to gouge my ears out.”

”yikes. that sounds awful. i can’t imagine what would happen if some weirdo started flirting with my dad. or just adults flirting in general is yuck.” lydia shuddered at the thought.

you went quiet.

”what’re you thinking about.” lydia asked.

you bit the inside of your mouth. “it’s just that… like, now that i’m dead, i’m stuck being sixteen forever. and i’m also pretty sure that i’m stuck in this house forever. so not only will there be no one ever to flirt with me, i have to listen to the adults flirt with each other.”

”if the demon is flirting with someone in front of their wife, i’m pretty sure that he’d flirt with you.” lydia suggested.

”i’d sooner rip his throat out.” you threatened.

lydia thought for a second. “well, it sounds like you need someone to fix that problem.” she said, softly. nervously.

@meangirlsx @meangirlmurphy @eliza-is-confused @boredomimi @book--butterfly

#beetlejuice #beetlejuice musical #beetlejuice broadway #beetlejuice fanfiction #lydia #lydia deetz #lawrence beetlejuice shoggoth #adam maitland #barbara maitland #charles deetz #delia #delia deetz #lydia x reader #lydia deetz x reader #fic

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ziracona · 4 years

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So last night I wound up reading Amanda's wiki and It made me kind of sad for her, because it very much sounds like she was suffering from stockholme syndrome of a kind there, to me, atleast. Which makes me wonder, what do you think of the pig/amanda? What's your Amanda like in your stories? Do you think she had any potential for redemption (with A LOT of work)? I guess I just wanna hear your thoughts on her character because ur always rly good at it?? - Sleepy

Yeah, whoever wrote the Saw wiki loves Amanda and hates Hoffman and it’s genuinely hilarious. They make a lot of assumptions (like that her motive for killing Adam after he won his game was mercy killing, which is a throughly unconfirmed opinion), and use the most sympthetic & extreme language possible. I’ve watched all the Saw films, and as a character, Amanda is a very enjoyable villain, but as a person? She’s a truly awful human being. (Side note—this typed last— So, mentioning certain Saw characters sends me flying into a rage like a D&D berserker, so this is gonna get angry as hell, but 0 of it is at you. I love you. This is at the Jigsaw squad. WHO I FUCKING HATE. Ahem. Anyway. Felt like the level of unbridled and sudden fury needed a heads up lol.) It’s not Stockholm syndrome. In Saw one, she’s a victim who is put in a reverse beartrap and forced to either die, or cut the key out of the stomach of a paralyzed by drugs but very alive (which she knew) other kidnap victim, whom she cut open and killed. After enduring that trauma and barely surviving, she immediately accepted John’s offer to join him. She was not forced, she was not tricked. He asked, and because she wanted to feel special and important, she agreed to inflict suffering she knew goddamn well the horrible level of on others first hand, and went willingly. She is self-centered to her core, and became dependent on and infatuated with John, and obsessed with his approval. She kidnapped Adam and Lawrence with him, who were kidnapped for fuckall reason (literally John just thought photography was pathetic) and for almost cheating on his wife (lol this was John’s ‘stated’ reason—his real reason was John is the world’s pettiest bitch, and Lawrence was the doctor who told him he had cancer. I’m not fkn kidding he’s that level of petty self-absorbed, self-righteous bastard) respectively. Then killed Adam after he won his game, which should have given him freedom but John reneged on like he always does like the pissy little bitch he is, Amanda killed him for reasons up to speculation. However, given John usually tests people who win a second time or tries to get them to join or some bullshit, it’s more plausible to assume her motive was seeing him as a threat than that it was mercy killing, and it’s only stated in-film to be an emotion based decision, not her actual movtive. Everyone’s opinion on this action is just that—opinion. With varying degrees of factual basis behind the educated level of educated guess.

In Saw 2, she helps John kidnap a bunch of drug addicts like herself who all got false arrests by the same officer at one time or another, along with a poor fucking 15 year old whose crime is having that cop for a dad. She then spent the next two hours watching people whose only crime was drug use, like herself, die horribly of organ deterioration, knowing at any time she could have stopped it and saved them all because she knew how to get the antidotes. Bitch even holds one girl in her arms and stokes her head and pretends to care about her while she hacks up deteriorated lung and blood and fucking dies, when at any moment she could have chosen to let her live. Literally no one should be more sympathetic to them than her. She knows how addicted to drugs feels, and the help you need. Anyway, she doesn’t, she lets them die and plays with them, and then when it’s to her, the 15 year old—who multiple times saves or helps her when hurt by other participants, and is nothing but kind—and one other man, the man shows up to kill her to get an antidote, and the poor fucking 15 year old child kills him with a saw to save her, traumatizing himself to a breakdown afterwords, and instead of being even thankful, she attacks and knocks him out, ties him up and attaches an oxygen tank so he won’t suffocate, and locks him in a fucking like tiny ass safe to be a game piece for another trial and leaves him there. His dad, who admittedly needs to serve jail time but isn’t a fucking murderer at least & does love his son, shows up distraught looking for his kid he’s afraid is dead, and she sneak attacks and takes him down, then leaves him chained up in a nasty lost bathroom to starve slowly to death, and doesn’t even do him the decency of telling him his kid isn’t dead. When he breaks his foot to get free and comes hobbling wounded after her, she sneak attacks again and he nearly wins, but she fucks up his broken foot and starts to leave, then comes back and beats him (she thinks) to death becuase he said she would never be Jigsaw, and she’s that petty and proud. Kid never gets to know what happened to his dad, and even alive, will definitely die young from the complications one, you know, gets from almost dying of chemical organ deterioration.

In Saw 3, the main victim is a man whose kid was lost in a hit and run. Jigsaw has Amanda kidnap his wife because she’s a surgeon and also was once not as sympathetic as he thought she should be when talking to him about his cancer at the hospital (I’m not even fucking exaggerating—side note, I will beat John Kramer to death myself with my huge fucking meat fists and laugh as I watch his bones crumble to dust). This poor bitch just lost a kid, then separated from her husband because he was a fucking mess consumed with revenge against the poor college kid who accidentally hit his son & totally withdrew from the world, and she wakes up with a collar filled with shotgun shells basically a 360 gun blow off your head collar deal on, and Amanda wheeling her around in the wheelchair she’s tied to. They tell her if she keeps John alive until the person being tested finishes his test, she can go free. The whole movie, Amanda keeps trying to convince John to kill the poor woman even though she complies just because she’s a throughly selfish, petty, conceited, self-pitying bastard with no regard for others, and wants this “Bitch” to die for fun. She feels she’s a threat for John’s attentions, and John isn’t even romantically inclined toward her, but she’s obsessed and doesn’t care. Amanda decides between Saws 2 and 3 that people aren’t fixable—even though she herself was supposedly “helped” by her Jigsaw game and this is hypocritical as fuck—and just starts straight up fucking torture murdering for fun. To the point even John thinks she has to be stopped. Like if John fucking Kramer thinks you’ve gone to far? Jesus help you because no one else can. She still does the torture, but instead of like, chopping off your own hand with a paring knife and getting to live, you chop it off and then still slowly get your head crushed between two beams being screwed closer and closer together. She kills Kerry for fuckall reason except she wants to (Kerry is a detective who did jack shit wrong—she was just on the case. It’s utter bullshit). Kidnaps her, straps a thing with hooks in her ribs that will tear out her rib cage when a timer runs out, and kill her that way, and had her hung up above the ground tied by chains, and tells her if she burns her hand up in a bottle of acid to get the key at the bottom which is hard period in the suit—never mind losing the hand—she can live. And Kerry fucking does, ruins her hand, unlocks the lock, and the suit won’t come off becuase the cunt rigged it. Then Amanda shows up to watch her die for fun just to smile smugly at her and watch her fear. Because she’s a fucking soulless, sadistic, evil, self-centered, self-important asshole.

Obsessed dad let’s a fucking bystander whose only crime was seeing a hit and run and running off freeze to death stripped naked and sprayed with water in a freezer slowly, saves a judge who gave too weak a sentence to the hit and run kid after the man begs, and then lets the poor fucking college kid who did it and already feels awful get his arms twisted till they snap off, legs twisted till the same, and then his head twisted around back so far it twist snap kills him. The rack is fucking beyond inhumane death. Amanda monitors this while threading Lynn (the poor doctor lady) for fun and crying over poow wittwe John who is dying of cancer (thank you god for doing what we couldn’t), and being miserable. Eventually, Hoffman sends her a letter saying if she doesn’t kill Lynn, he’ll tell John that she was one of the people there to steal drugs the night his wife got injured and miscarried (he probably already knew 🙄), and becuase Amanda cares about nothing more than Amanda, she fucking monolgauges at John about how special and sad she is how he needs to fix her and she’s a murderer but she doesn’t care because you know—she’s depressed : ( so she gets a pass for her self she’s UwU sad so her poor little crisis can have a massive torture body count bc she’s that special UwU and why is Lynn not gonna die even though she did her job!??? So unfair! No one changes kill them all but tell me I’m special I’m symapthetic because I’m sad and that makes it fun for me to tear people’s ribs out :’( —and then she fucking shoots Lynn becuase she cares less about an innocent woman’s life than the potential for John to be mad at her :’-( you know—such symapthetic stuff! And then John is like “Ok then fkn die :’(“ and Jeff/unstable dad/Lynn’s husband runs in and shoots her and then kills John.

Anyway! I fucking hate Amanda with a passion, and John. I cannot stand humans who hurt each other for fun, especially when they target those who most need help. But above all I cannot abide a person who is a sadistic, selfish, wholly self-absorbed fuck of a human, and refuses to take any responsibility for their actions or admit how fucking bad they are and has the goddamn nerve to act like a victim. Like if you’re going to be an evil son of a bitch, at least have the decency to admit it. If you’re a self-pitying “im uwu special and sad and better and more important than everyone else” —double points for “& becuase I am attractive I can get away with being a soulless shit without any being held accountable” from fandom or the media itself, tripple if from both—? I will kill you myself. I will rip out your eyes and chew on them. I will kill my self on a bomb to take you too. I will chew off my left arm for the sole purpose of getting to beat you to death with it. The wiki writer bends over back so bad they’re gonna need a brace the rest of their life to make her sound sympthetic, but they’re just a fan. She’s not. At all. She doesn’t have Stockholm, and I see people say “she got manipulated and used : (“ all the time, but without fail so far it’s people who think she’s hot and just want a reason to stan that because somehow a hot white woman with short hair even if canonically infatuated with John Kramer is somehow both a lesbian, and excusable for every horrible torture murder she ever did to feel uwu special in her depressed sad times. She wasn’t manipualated. It happened fast, she wasn’t courted into it, and she didn’t even hesitate to say yes. He offered her an out, made sure she was serious, and she stayed. And then she escalated to the point John took her out to stop her, because it was worse than what he wanted to do. I enjoyed her as a villain but as a person I fucking hate Amanda, and don’t really want to see her get another chance. Bastard doesn’t deserve one. I can’t say there’s no continuum in which she could never improve or be redeemed becuase who the fuck knows, and I like to think there’s a smidgen of hope for anyone, but that said, I do think the more evil you willfully do, the more you lose your humanity, and you can hit a point there’s just no person left. So. Anyway, hah, I don’t think she’s redeemable and frankly don’t want her redeemed. I want to burn her to death myself if I have to die that way too. Also! This was a wildly angry answer but none of it is directed at you. That wiki writer does make her sound symapthetic, I’ve read the wiki too—just I go into a blind rage any time John or Amanda is even mentioned and it takes me a half hour to come back down. I fly into a rage. If I ever go into anaphylactic shock, all a friend has to do is start mentioning the names of Saw villains and my adrenaline will start pumping like jet fuel and I’ll be fine. I just have a whole lot of righteously just rage at horrible awful self-righteous self-absorbed malicious manipulative dehumanizing self-pity bastards who take 0 responsibility for their evil or admit it, and Amanda & John are two at the way top of that rage list. It’s a dark but powerful headspace when I think of them. I become very powerful...but also very enraged. Lol, anyway, here’s the breakdown you didn’t need, but it is throrough!

#ask #Sleepy #anonymous #Saw #dead by daylight #Amanda Young #Saw 2 #Saw 3 #spoilers #side note! I have friends who /do/ love her as a character—I ain’t got beef with her existing or smth. or people who enjoy or love her #I like my fair share of horrible villains. I love Rafe from Uncharted 4 & he’s a certified piece of shit.#the only thing that gets me is people who try to be like ‘🥺 : ( but she’s a pwetty white woman w short hair which = lesbian /queen/! & makes #her exempt from all responsibility of torture murder. 💕💖 bc she’s so special and she was sad : ( I hc she dissociates so how can people not #love her if I pretend she doesn’t know what she’s done when canonically that’s not the case but I still think it? why do you not adhere to #my personal head canon making her sympthetic. : ( She’s pretty so she deserves 0 guilt or punishment. pwetty sad poor little baby girl : (#needs love. TuT No badness ever wum? she isn’t responsible for her own actions what u mean an adult is responsible for their choices even if #sad?? :0 No. I don’t understand you can love terrible characters so I have to snap my back in half trying to pretend she did nothing wrong’#because I have uhhhh seen it more than I wish despite my best efforts & im so goddamn tired :’)#sorry Sleepy this is like #one of my top 10 ‘I’m flyinn into a rage’ buttons I can’t help it I hear John or Amanda’s names & I see red #and can’t stop until the Justice and Judgement cards of life’s tarot deck are done punting me back and forth like a racquetball

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