#also I HAVE THERAPY THAT DAY AND THEY JUST TOLD ME TO 'DO IT IN A SECLUDED SPACE' - YEAH GREAT ONE

[moooncats]

✿ PAC: What is holding you back? ✿ •○•○•○•○•○•○•○•○•○•○•○•○•○•○•○•○•○•○•○•○

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✿ Pile 1 ✿

✿ What is holding you back? ✿

This is going to be pretty specific here but I'm hearing dream theif. Have you been dreaming at all lately? Your mind could be blocked with a lot of unnecesary stress and random thoughts which makes you over think everything. You carry this baggage with you all day and during the night when it's time for rest, your brain can't reciprocrate what to relay back to you. This vicious cycle then repeats over and over again and you find yourself burnt out, drained, and powerless to your own restrictions. This is honestly reminding me of the video game touch detective. There is a whimsical character named Penelope who gets her dreams stolen by a pastry chef Antoinette. Basically, she crystalizes her sweet dreams and uses it in her pastries. "Dream Cake" a very tasty treat that brought her much fortune. Now that I'm thinking about it, it's a bit ironic that her dreams get stolen to be made into sweets. It reminds me of the saying that sugar before bed causes nightmares. 🍰🤔 💭

✿ How to regain your own power ✿

A dream journal is definitely needed for this pile. I feel that even if you don't have any dreams there is still messages desperately trying to come through to you. When you wake up, get in the habit of writing down the first thoughts that come into your mind. Over time, you'll see that this simple process will retrain your brain to create dreams for you. If you are suffering from the case of nightmares, I would recommend to still journal out what happens. There's hidden messages for you that once you reread it. I would also recommend aroma therapy. In touch detective there was a item you could use called "a sweet dream pillow". It was made with a soft pillow and perfume. Annointing your pillow with lavendar oil and putting an amethyst crystal inside the pillow case may help you when you drift off into the dream realm. (Gif is from another video game fran bow would also highly reccomend playing it or watching a walkthrough on youtube as well as touch detective ♡♡♡).

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✿ Pile 2 ✿

✿ What is holding you back? ✿

This could be a prominant feminine figure in your life. This may also be a Male who has a lot of feminine traits. I'm picking up on someone who is spiritual, intuitive, and somewhat wise. They are definitely older than you spiritually and physically. However, for some reason I'm seeing here that when you listen to them and try to follow their teachings, the timing when you try to put their words into action is a bit off. For example, If they told you a story about how they met their signifigant other and it was using candle magick, you may try that out on your crush and it might not work for you. This causes you to basically take 3 steps backwords instead of 3 steps foward. You feel confused and wonder why it worked for them and not for you. When that happens you're most likely confused and wondering why things may seem off. Thus the negative thoughts roll in; Maybe you don't have Magick within you? Maybe you aren't meant for this life? However honey, we all know you have what it takes within you.

✿ How to regain your own power ✿

Just as the previous sentence said you have everything within you to make your reality come true. This pile is innovators. We are in the age of Aquarius, use what resonates with your generation. It is 100% okay to come up with a ritual that fits to you. Technology is an amazing tool. We can get and transfer information so easily. For example subliminals on youtube are so powerful even though all you have to do is listen/watch them, it's so simple yet effective. On the other hand, using old techniques with the combination of new ones will yield great results in your practice. Learn to be confident in your own power and how your mind is. Utilize the tools that you have now that your ancestors had to take hours or days to even get simple answers. We are truly in the future lovelies. 🚀🌌👽

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✿ Pile 3 ✿

✿ What is holding you back? ✿

You are a bit unbalance as of now my dears. Is there an addiction that you're hiding? It could be as simple as vaping or drinking alcohol. You know when I got your cards I instantly thought of peer pressure. Is there someone in your life who is expecting you to do a lot which causes you to turn to your own vices to cope with all that extra unnesesary stress? If that is so it is very clear with your reading. It seems like you're trying to gain clarity on something and it is holding you back a lot. This pile is reminding me of Ariel from the little mermaid. She wanted to be a human so badly that she made a deal with Ursula just so she can marry a prince. She went to extreme lengths just to please another man. If this is resonating with you perhaps watch the little mermaid there may be hidden messages in the movie for you.

✿ How to Regain your own Power ✿

Everything is fine but remember- in moderation pile 3. I'm seeing here that you have to juggle things in your life so you can truly gain balance. Basically think of a waitress in a heavy traficked restaurant. So many items of food to serve but theres limited space on her tray. Whatever shall she do? Well, she would delegate each food and grab more trays for them. Then cautiosly take the food to her tables while also taking multiple trips. Organizing all your habits is the key here. You need to learn how to strive for balance and harmony. Like a skilled alchemist, blend opposing forces and find the middle path. Trust in your innate ability to bring together seemingly conflicting elements to create a harmonious whole. Remember to seek moderation and patience as you navigate lifes challenges.

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✿ Pile 4 ✿

✿ What is holding you back? ✿

Are you bored? Perhaps you have the same ole routine that you stick to in your little palace far away from other people. Do you truly feel happy being away from so many people? I'm seeing here that you are lost in a perpetual cycle of intense introspection. Learning is amazing pile 4, but what exactly are you doing with all this new information? This pile reminds me of the saying "knowledge is power". Like yes it is power, but it is that exact knowledge that's holding you back. Like a hermit you stay in your house all day learning. You most likely are into astrology, numerology, astra travel, personality tests, documentaries, etc. Why with the internet I don't blame you. We have the power to learn anything with the touch of a fingertip it can be quite addictive. Especially since it's not like the old days where you had to wait months just to hear from someone through letters. We can easily communicate through technology. But at what cost? Most times were mindlessly staring at a screen- do you truly feel as if you're living in the moment?

✿ How to regain your power ✿

You are in desperate need of a new change of scenery pile 4. I'm seeing here that your mind, body, and soul earns for more. You were put on this earth to help people my dear pile 4. You have so much knowlege and hidden truths in your intricate brain. All that's left to do is to share that knowledge with others. Traveling even to a new city for a day will do wonders for you. "There is only one way to learn... It's through action. Everything you need to learn, you have learned through your journey" -Paulo Coelho The Alchemist. I feel like this quote is perfect for you pile 4, because you're in a stage of stagnation. When we are stagnant nothing good or bad will happen, we're just still. Yes, it does teach us patience but I feel like now is definitely a time to take action as you are well equiped with everything you need to do great things. The world is your oyster.

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#baby witch #intuition #intuitive #tarot #tarotreading #pac #pick a card #free tarot #tarotblr #witchblr #moooncatstarot

[krirebr]

So, I've been going back and forth about sharing this here but it's really been dominating my thoughts for the last two days, and while I've talked about it a lot with friends, I'm hoping that writing everything down will help me process things. And maybe other people, especially aspec people might be able to relate.

I mentioned on Wednesday that I'd had a really terrible evening that had really shaken and upset me. Below the cut, I want to share what happened.

TWs for references to depression, aphobia, exclusionism, and bad therapy (there's probably a better word for it but I'm not sure what it would be.)

So some of you know that I started this year with a pretty intense depressive episode. It was bad enough that I had to take a leave of absence from work and pretty much spent that whole time crying in bed. It's taken a lot of work over the last few months to get myself back to a more stable place. A big part of that work has been regularly going to therapy.

I went to therapy on and off as a kid and in college, but not at all since then. All of my previous therapeutic experience was long before I came out as aroace. There's a long, ongoing history of aspec identities being medicalized and pathologized and that's something I was very aware of while looking for a therapist this time around. But I was also really desperate for help. So I chose as wisely as I could and crossed my fingers.

I chose a queer therapist who specialized in LGBTQ issues. I told them I was aroace in my first session and while they didn't seem very familiar at all, they also didn't make me overly explain myself or want to focus on that rather than the very real and urgent issues I had come to them for, which is what I'd been most worried about.

As I continued to meet with them weekly, they would sometimes ask questions about it, and while it was pretty clear they didn't really get it, they were respectful about it and it wasn't interfering with the help I actually needed.

That brings me to my appointment this Wednesday. I didn't have anything really pressing to discuss so they asked about my plans for the week and I mentioned that I was getting my hair cut and I was excited because I've been feeling lately like my hair is really hetero (I use that word instead of straight because my hair is so, so curly 😂) and I was looking forward to having queer hair again. They stopped. "Wait," they said, "I'm confused. Why did you use that word to describe yourself?" It had never occurred to them that aspec identities would be considered part of the queer community. They, in fact, had an incredibly narrow definition of the word queer - gay, just gay. And they didn't consider asexuality or aromanticism to be orientations at all.

My memories of the following conversation are pretty jumbled, but some highlights included such chestnuts as "What if you meet the right person one day?", asserting that the A in LGBTQIA+ stands for ally, there has to be a sexual component to romantic relationships, and "everyone has to have attraction, humans are sexual beings." They also said that we should dig into my childhood going forward because they were sure there was something there that caused this. I had a pretty traumatic middle school experience (bullying and some psychosomatic stuff that stemmed from that) and they were pretty eager to blame all that for this.

I became increasingly defensive and combative as this conversation went on (which if you know me, isn't like me at all). It ended with us both feeling very bad and uncomfortable.

I think they kind of came around a little bit by the end. They seemed open to educating themselves and even sent me a link to an article they'd found after our session. And that's great, I guess? But the whole thing made me want to crawl out of my skin. I cried a lot when I got home.

I'm not exactly sure what to do from here. My initial plan was to go next week, talk through what happened, offer some context for why I had gotten so defensive, and discuss together whether this was going to be a good long-term fit. But that's feeling less and less likely the more I think about it (I haven't been able to stop thinking about it). This is just such a big part of who I am. And it's a part of myself that I like and am proud of! And I just can't imagine a situation where I would ever feel safe talking about this aspect of my life with them. And I don't really want therapy where I'm constantly having to censor myself. So do I even go to my next appointment? I really don't know.

I know there's a lot of hopelessness in the aspec community around getting mental health care and I really don't want to add to that. I don't want to believe that we can't get help for our actual issues without mental health professionals just wanting to fix things that don't actually need to be fixed. And I hope that's not the moral or ultimate outcome of this story. I've talked to my very lovely network of queer friends and several of them have already said that they'll reach out to their contacts to find some recommendations for me. I deserve to get the help that I need in a space that is actually safe. And my need isn't as urgent as I was. I can take my time now to find someone I'm fully comfortable with.

I'm not sure exactly why I shared this. I don't always get so personal on here. And some of you have already heard it (thank you for being such good friends, seriously). But it's just been festering inside of me for the past two days and I really needed to share it. Thank you for listening.

#kris gets personal #vent post #kris rambles #asexuality #tw aphobia #therapy #bad therapy

[b4kuch1n]

tdov was like a week ago already but I just wanna say when I came over to vacation slash help my sworn brother move flat he told me, "ever since you said you wanted to get top surgery I've been thinking about it. it's straight up number two on my bucket list"

#bakuspeech #number one is a house bc obviously. if u can own a house wouldnt u #he was very drunk at that time of the evening. I was not bc I have the constitution of a hot air balloon and any stimulant will blow me up #(relatively new development. france fucked me up big time turns out) #we held hand on his bed for like the whole evening. it was honestly very funny in hindsight but we were extremely earnest in the moment #and Im like. working on this thing as well. I dont got meds or therapy lmao Im bootstrappin here #but yeah early last year his bf offered to get me meds and I... turned it down... I think I was worried abt like. idk. something #but one year past looking back Im fully like that was a stupid move you shouldve gotten meds. youve once again fucked urself baku #but yeah with that kinda realization Ive also come to realized I've somewhat? accepted. that I'm just gonna be. like this #this in light of a number of likely chronic stuff too (hence my balloon-like constitution lmao) and #that's kinda bled into the rest of me without me really noticing #but him bringing that up fully unprompted... kinda jolted me out of it #its just. really incredibly sweet. that someone doesn't want me to settle for what I make do with #and like. preps for that work. just kinda held my hand and told me it's possible to do this actually #I didn't really express how I felt very well in that moment I think my brain is very bad and I process emotions with like a day of delay #but. well. Im thinking abt it Right Now. so yknow thats the kind of impact that had on me lol #not super sure why I wrote all this down here really. I think I just want a good n nice reminder that object permanence is real #and I exist in my friends' life even when Im going insane in a hole by myself #and with the power of friendship we can alter the universe's plan for ourselves and also kill god #that's that. anyways I eat lunch now and then pass out probably. last night was... eventful lmao #but!! very good things on the horizon hopefully. well manifestly we hold hammers and we use them #have a good day lads. let's go out and slay monsters under a highway

[skillzissuez]

Depression is all fun and games until your skipping school even though you’re weeks behind because you quite literally can’t get out of bed

#god I hate it here #not to mention you mother and father #SEEING this #simply decides to ignore you like your Alr dead #like damn okay 💀💀 fuck you too ig 💀💀 #I don’t know how to fix this #I’m literally gonna be held back or taken to court bc I’ve missed so many days #but oh well the sillies r keeping me alive #Also I told myself I wouldn’t vent online anymore but I honestly don’t care anymore 😭 #it’s so bad though #I tried to do some of my homework last night and ended up throwing up from the stress #and it’s not like my friends just forgot about me they are GOOD friends I’ve just been pushing them away; telling them I’m just sick etc. #it’s my fault so I’m not mad at them for not knowing what to do. The closest ones try to call me #sometimes I answer and we talk. sometimes I don’t and they leave me a message abt how their a good listener and they KNOW something’s wrong. #Truly I love my friends but at this point I just need to be medicated or in a mental institution ong #but again; it’s not like my parents actually care. they canceled my therapy that was court appointed to me #My support system otherwise is gone; my older siblings have moved out and I’m supposed to protect my younger ones from my parents #but deadass my entire family is well aware that I’m useless in that department #I shake scream and sob everytime my parents yell at us so I’m no help; really #I mean recently I’ve been able to keep my emotions under control but the only reason why is because I’m dead inside 💪 #As I’m typing this out I’m realizing that I should be telling the world this especially not in my mental state but like. I dunno 🤷‍♂️ #I know most of you don’t care or if you do your just concerned or feel bad bc you know what it’s like and I thank you. #seriously; I thank you for being human and reminding me the world can be kind #if anything im just distracting myself from whatever this is. whether it be playing a silly game or drawing about said silly game it helps #but it also makes me feel guilty bc I RLLY should be focused on trying to pass this year. but I’m pretty sure it’s too late now. #anyways; that’s why I’ve been inactive lately so I apologize #it’s funny bc I’m typing this out but I rlly don’t feel anything while explaining this to you guys #I’ll tag this properly; I don’t know why I’m posting this and I might delete it later I dunno #tw vent #tw mention of abuse

[quasieli]

I know meds sometimes take a while to kick in, like your body needs to get used to them and shit, but I'd really appreciate it if these new anxiety meds kicked in right about now. I'm vibrating and I really Don't Like It

#Eli Speaks #Med talk #ask to tag #i really want these meds to help #i need something that will help #cause i want to make my life better #but it's really hard to do when im frozen by anxiety #ive only been on them for 5 days #and was told it could take a few weeks to fully kick in #but im really close to my limit #i just wanna feel stable #cause then i can help myself feel good #but im not there yet #i have a drs appt tomorrow so im hoping she'll have something to say that can help #also i need to find a new therapist again #i started seeing someone new but im kinda :/ about him #he just isnt for me #esp cause like #i specifically started seeing him cause he said he practiced the same modality as my last therapist and it helped me out a lot #but then in our last session he said something that was entirely antithetical to that type of therapy #i was already a little meh about him but that just kinda sealed it for me #so #im trying #it's been really hard #but im not giving up #as tempting as it is #i want my life to be better #im just in a really shitty place rn #i hope things get better soon

[scorpiusmalfoylovesoscarwilde]

MY MUM JUST BOUGHT ME AND HER TICKETS TO SEE SIX?? UNPROMPTED???? SHE IS THE MOST CONFUSING WOMAN ALIVE??????? BUT YAAAAAYYYY

#she hates me but also doesnt but also does but not quite but does but doesnt but #see i have a worse relationship with my father but its so much easier because hes just an absolute bastard all round #my mothers flip flopping every day calling me an ungrateful waste of money one minute then buying me six tickets the next like?? #what am i meant to do about that??? #anywayz SIX TICKETS WOO FUCKING LOVE SIX #I WAS MEANT TO SEE IT RIGHT BEFORE COVID HIT AND I JUST HAVENT COME ACROSS IT SINCE #SHE SAW IT AND JUST BOOKED THE TICKETS FOR NEXT YEAR IM LIKE SO EXCITED #fr though why is she being so nice to be its kind of frightening #i think its because i had that breakdown in front of her before #she hasnt told me to get a job since then either #you guys dont understand how big of a deal that is #she always finds a way to tell me to get a job #anywayz everyone thank my mum for being a great mum <3 #for the moment as least #dont want to jinx it #maybe marrying my step dad last month changed her psychologically #omg maybe shes started therapy #am a little afraid because im in the process of starting testosterone (yay!) but havent told her and i should be on it by december so uh #its gonna be obvious by the time we go to see it #so im *scared* #she may very well take the tickets away but LETS HOPE NOT #im so sorry ive written an essay in the tags lmfao #mummy issues #mummy issues going wild fr

[robinsnest2111]

idly wondering with what experts would diagnose me if I was 100% truthful and could remember every single thing that happened to me and every single quirk I developed because of it <3

#like esp. at the start my mother would sit in on all my therapy sessions #and i didn't yet grasp what therapy was for at age 11 so i just talked about my day #and showed the nice lady my latest drawings orz #all that got me was a 'oh that kid is just shy and a little scared going to school just force him to go it'll be fine <3' #never said anything about the nefarious bullying or the things going on at home #because at that point i was so naive i thought it was NORMAL #and other therapists later on only ever focused on my weight and how sloppy i dressed. never addressing all my other issues so i gave up #never talked about all the other stuff for a while. #also that ONE situation i can barely remember but that fucked me up the most i think back in kindergarten... never told anyone about it #except a friend last year. wondering what therapists would say about that if i ever opened up about that to them #after a bit of thought it'd also explain my aversion to being touched/examined by doctors in that area. great. #ANYWAY just wondering <333 #also all the 'negative' feelings i immediately throw in the repression bin. like jealousy frustration anger annoyance entitlement etc #been told one too many times that these things are ugly and shouldn't be displayed. should stop acting like a spoiled brat #never learned how to handle any of that <333 #recently have taken to being overly analytical about it all. trying to find what triggers these emotions and then rationalising them away <3 #they do still fester deep in my soul tho <333 #good thing i'm so good at repression that i forget about it all eventually until something makes me remember and then i suffer #but then i repress again and i can live in blissful ignorance again <333333 #wish i could be a dumb silly billy more often and not think about things too much like i usually do haha #maybe that's why i'm so drawn to and fadcinated by the bimbocore subculture/movement...... 🤔 #anyway anyway just thinking haha

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#guess whos back in therapy bby 😎 #the lady i saw was nice. 1st appointments r always a lotta blah blah blah so much to cover #and im always like bleh whatever im not that bad but when u put it all down on paper it is sorta a lot lol #i got the comment. hm u seem to kno a lot abt the dsm. and like listen. i have been meticulously categorizing my problems for the last 4 #years. and i like to learn so ya kno. also said yea it sounds like u r having hypomanic episodes. #and asked if bipolar was a possibility and like if i was bipolar that would absolutely blow my god damn mind. im pretty sure its just pmdd #but whatever. im open to the possibility. mostly i wanna hear someone else perspective on this #i feel like im collaborating on a project. like gimmie ur notes i wanna see if were on the same track. bc im insane like that #i always feel bad when they apologize for asking invasive questions. like neh its fine. i got nothin to hide and i dont give a fuck #also i told a class of my peers that my distraction from research is drawing narut0 fan art. again bc i do not #give a single fuck. Professors response: hopefully we get to see it some day. bro. if u ask me i will show u. i do not care #i mean. probably nothing too weird but i feel like most of my stuff is safe to share. i just come off looking like a weeb i guess #but yea back in therapy bc my mum reminded me bc the ppl around me irl r also worried for my well-being based on my behavior lol #i mean its just bc i complain that im in like psychological pain a lot. so lots and lots of bitching abt my brain ^^ #the lady i saw did fall a lil bit into my trap. like what woulf ur life look like if u had everything under control? bc it seems like ur #here and ur starting a phd what more do u want? and im like mwahaha but u see i can do school #i can do school so good. i am the best at school and thats it. i am otherwise barely functional #so i can be successful on paper and dysfunctional when it comes to having a life :-] #but whatever. well see what she wants to follow up on next week bc i threw a lot at her #also went to my office for the 1st time. it is really nice to sit in a working lab and watch ppl interact. but also i do feel like im #dying if i try to sit in that room with 2 other ppl lol. so well see how it goes. i may find somewhere else to hide #unrelated

[krispiecake]

uk moots idk if youve seen the rishi sunak school guidelines shit but. like it was already so bad like its been getting worse and worse for years now and somehow it just. like i dont think ive heard someone say something so obviously VILE about the equality act.. ever. i know its not all official yet like it was a proposed speech but i do not see this being scrapped not with the people in control rn. this is gonna kill lgbt kids especially trans kids and i feel so fucking helpless again.

#in fucking pride month too. i feel stupid and helpless. #i want to be a teacher too. i wanna make school safe for kids like me and the idea of having to follow #these fucking human rights abuses of guidelines makes me feel physically nauseous #how am i ever meant to work in education? how am i meant to be a teacher if my basic rights are encouraged to be ignored. #am i meant to put up with misgendering and disrespect every day until it kills me? until something even worse happens? #how are you meant to protect vulnerable kids when your told to hand them over to potential abuse violence homelessness or even death #conversion therapy is still legal here too. #they keep saying theyre banning it but its been 5ys since they said that and still NOTHING. #not only does it mean outing kids to their families #but it also means that they will not be protected from transphobic abuse and harassment from teachers or students. #teachers dont have to and are told not to respect any name pronoun or gender changes #if the parents dont approve #and even then teachers and other students alike will not have to respect them anyway ‘if they dont want to #you know. the shit that has been proven to fucking kill trans youth. #they wanna gut lgbt sex ed too. like probably all of it. the stuff thats been put forward from stonewall (our main lgbt charity here) #i just. i feel so fucking small. #rishi sunak and every single tory needs their head beat in with a cricket bat i literally do not fucking care. #transphobia tw #homophobia tw

[yardsards]

i told myself today that i was gonna be productive but instead i went to the pool for 3 hours then came home AND took a 3 hour bath. hash tag self care (:

#eliot posts #also before this i got myself a little treat from the bakery and walked around the farmers market and stopped by the library #my therapist told me to try leaving my apartment and Doing things more often whenever i can #and honestly it doesn't feel like it's actually helping the whole mental illness situation At All #(like even on days where i do more reasonable activities and don't just be boy soup for nearly 6 hours) #i do my stupid little therapy homework (when i have the ability to) #and i feel just about as much like shit before during and after it as i would if i just stayed in bed and Wallowed #but i keep on fuckin trying shit cuz it's either that or just Accept that i'll be sad forever hahahaaa

[daz4i]

how to stop thinking any good thing someone says to you (like compliments or being proud of you or other positive expressions such as these) is a lie just to be polite or bc they're biased and thus can't judge you work and your being objectively bc they love you. asking for a friend

#lovebombing won't work on me i will automatically assume there is an ulterior motive there #i may be off on what it is. but i won't trust it either anyway #(joking btw ik i'm not immune to abuse tactics. that's actually part of why i'm vigilant to all that i think) #(but not only) #i think my main issue is i know in my heart these things can't be right. the bigger the compliment the less i believe it #bc i'm below average and so is anything i create. propping it (and me) up as smth unique feels disingenuous #in my heart i do want this like i wanna be told nice things but they usually make me feel worse lol #bc i still think i'm shit and now i feel like i can't trust that person either. #(still. if someone is mean to me or even just harsh instead. i will cry) #also while this is already very deep and digging into my core the next tags are gonna dig into therapy level deepness lol #i think this is actually why i only want ppl to be sexually attracted to me honestly #smth abt it being like. a physical reaction. makes it easier to believe for me #also smth you can express smth you can do to prove it beyond just saying words #(i will sometimes still doubt it when i have a steady partner of any sort lol like i'll ask if they just indulge me or actually want it) #which is why it's fucking me up sm that i'm getting uglier 🥲 i'm already not great - being trans and fat limits a lot of your options - but #things are getting even worse lol 🥲 who knew that was even possible #all this isn't really a very good base to stop hating yourself. so my self loathing is only getting worse every day #thus making any good word harder to believe. and the cycle continues #. yknow when i started typing this post i did not expect to go on for this long #i am on these sleeping pills that make me lose my filter i'm sorry 😔 #vent

[aardvaark]

i’m back ‘home’ for the holidays so i’m almost certainly about to go through a horrific depressive episode! great! that’ll either mean that i’m on tumblr way way more, or way way less, idk yet lol.

#wren speaks #family is just… idk. l’enfer c’est les autres… but more like l’enfer c’est la famille. #i struggle with being around people at all. but especially my parents. i mean honestly i’m that way BECAUSE of my parents #i watched mommie dearest on the plane and i was like ‘yeah thats normal’ so make of that what you will #i was doing better for like a week or two and then it all came crashing down as this trip ‘home’ approached. #suicidal ideation is normal for me but it went from passive ideation to passive AND active and also more frequent #i mean i’m fine. i’m always fine. i always manage it and i do it alone. #but my point being. coming ‘home’ after the freedom and peace of living alone always hits me hard. #and i guess my meds and therapy are working cause i’m able to FEEL things (when i’m usually too dissociated from my emotions to feel at all) #but feeling things means feeling sadness and anger and the emotions built up from the trauma. #and even feeling happy is so bittersweet though i can’t find the right words to explain why… #um. anyway. #this isn’t relevant idk why i’m rambling on. guess i’ve been told to try journaling so maybe this is a little like that ha. #well i’m okay and i’ll eventually settle in it’s just hard at first. and i have therapy in a few days so it’s all good.

[nukenai]

Real talk: I have bipolar that is decently managed through behavior modification/energy redirection, but I'm prone to RAGE SPIRALS when I'm particularly stressed, like I am right now due to extreme job workload and real life stress (moving horse to new barn this weekend and people at current barn being absolute freaks about it)

So what I'll do when my head feels full of screaming is just tweet 15,000 times or make 900 text posts. It's borderline incoherent and stupid but it "empties" my brain and is effective stress relief.

Here's a couple of examples of nonsense that triggered Rage Moments:

Last night I had to do a ton of housework despite my back and ribs killing me from a goddamn horse injury!

This morning my keurig kept flipping my circuit breaker and I just wanted some fucking coffee but I had to run up and down the stairs fifteen times at 8 in the morning and figure out why the fucking thing wouldn't just fucking brew my fucking coffee fuck!!!!

I'm happy to report I got all my housework done last night and also did not smash my keurig with a hammer this morning 😊 and all anyone else had to deal with was like 20 tweets about bizarre-for-9am topics.

This is also why I talk a mile a minute irl when I'm stressed. I'm very much an "external thinker" and saying stuff out loud helps my brain organize it better. I highly recommend talking to yourself loudly like a maniac when you're overwhelmed.

#if I'm lucky the RAGE just becomes a manic episode which is so Whatever to me now #manic episode? you mean I have energy? hell yeah #anyways also the one time I saw a therapist #first of all she told me she didn't believe have a name to a diagnosis was important #but when I got one out of her she also said #it wasn't 'bad enough' to warrant medication #but then would ask me in utter bafflement #why I felt like I 'couldn't control my emotions' #MAAM I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH MY BRAIN AND WANT YOUR HELP THAT IS WHY I AM HERE #my one experience with therapy was awful and ruined it forever for me never going back RIP #had to fix all my problems on my own THANKS #one time she sent me home 15 minutes into a session bc I was having a good day #and only wanted to talk about my problems and not things I liked #and also still billed me a whole hour for not talking about anything #actual quote from her: if you're doing well then we have nothing to talk about!

[fazcinatingblog]

Had a really nice sleep, it was like 30 minutes sleep dreaming that I was going to the grand final, wake up, check bank balance hmm no I'm not, sleep for 30 minutes dreaming I got a ticket, wake up check bank balance yeah no sorry, sleep for 30 minutes RINSE AND REPEAT THE ENTIRE NIGHT

#i don't even care that much!!!!! #i don't need to go to some stupid combustible stadium with overpriced food and drink and climb 500 stairs to watch some silly sportsball #NO I DON'T CARE #also it's so expensive like please don't take $200 from me that's like four weeks of myki money #I'm so happy to be in the grand final that I'll watch the game anywhere #Collingwood always do a live site i think in 2018 it was $20 to watch at the AIA centre #with inflation it'll be a billion dollars but look it doesn't matter there are pubs there is home there is so many places to watch the game #i don't know why i have to depress myself waking up every 30 minutes to check my bank balance #also how is that depressing 'oh look i have money i can afford the next week's myki travel' THAT'S A GOOD THING #also grand finals are overrated #The record is $15 #they show off the mark knight posters a day before the game and your mouth salivates and you're like I NEED ONE I'LL BUY IT AFTERWARDS #but then Maynard gets blocked and you're going home in tears on the train and you forget all about the poster and #and you just clutch your chemist warehouse cushion filled with random little goodies and cry for the next five weeks #in 2011 i didn't go - watched from home - and my mum came home with a chocolate footy and told me it was from Daisy #just cry and clutch Daisy's chocolate footy and cry and eat chocolate soaked with tears so it's all salty and #wait #no guys I'm fine #please don't make me go to therapy i don't have time i have to study for this CPA exam #i really am fine

[carpathxanridge]

on one hand i think i might be terrible as a rape crisis advocate because i’m socially awkward and comforting others doesn’t always come natural to me… on the other hand i might be very good at it because i’ve been told by friends i’m kind and a good empathetic listener but i’m also emotionally detached to the extent of probably being able to handle the emotional toll of the work and do and say what is necessary and not be too upset to function

#if anyone has experience in this area or any similar kind of volunteer work let me know what you think is required like #emotionally and socially #like thinking of myself vs my mom #my mom is extremely empathetic and was always told she should go into therapy but knew she couldnt handle it #from experiences teaching in psych wards where she would just break down and cry every day #whereas i think of myself as not particularly empathetic because in comparison to her i’m not lol #but in comparison to the general public i really am and sometimes i surprise myself in my ability to be #comforting or nurturing even though i also don’t think of it as coming naturally #although in those situations where i rise to the situation i’m usually around children and don’t know #if it’ll extend to adults and holy shit i just realized that’s probably because #around children i have zero social anxiety because i’m not worried about their judgement of me #so maybe in such a high pressure highly emotional situation where it’s not about me and my role is one of support it’ll be similar #where like how could i be thinking of myself in that situation? would i be able to do what the situation requires of me? #i honestly don’t know what i’m capable of #at times i really wonder if i’m autistic……

[toytulini]

ouagh at some point i should try to post some of the multiple thousands of pictures I've taken every time i go to an aquarium huh

#toy txt post #i went thru my phone and sorted almost everything in my camera roll at some point #need to do more sorting again and also sort into narrower categories to make it easier to tag shit and then #ill be able to like. navigate my insane amount of photos on here one day #also the multiple thousands is not. an exaggeration #i seem ti take At Least 1000 everytime. i go to an aquarium #less so at the one i volunteer at sometimes just cos. its smaller and i try not to be on my phone while volunteering #ouaaaagh #i guess i should try to look into more. schooling/edu fucking cation #cos volunteering there. doesnt suck #like its a little physically demanding just cos the water is Very Extremely Cold and its like 2hrs drive away from me #but like. like i Hate interacting w ppl i dont think i could do customer service or retail BUT i love #a captive audience to infodump about sea life to #i just need a college professor that is very extremely patient w me and treats me like the fragile little baby that i am/j #i guess i need to once again seek out Fucking Therapy to wrangle with my Homework Issues #all those posts explaining how to study that were too triggering to look at ages ago. guess i need to find them lol #god. it really does feel like such a silly stupid issue i have here. like if someone else told me they had issue w this id be like #no yeah of course that sounds horrible im so sorry etc #but alas i am not so forgiving w myself like #oh yeah im apparently traumatized ig by uhhhh Being Assigned Homework. like. normal amount. it was fine and all #like i passed shit. it was extremely difficult and i barely made it in some classes but i did Get Thru It and i had like accommodations to #turn in shit late and everything but uhhhhhhh #yea #theres slightly more to it than that ig but! like. basically. that is basically. #im a huge baby who couldnt do their fucking homework and now if i see Study Tips ill start crying #which is super inconvenient cos like hey bitch you know what might help with the homework? #taking my brain out of my skull and shaking it #anyway. im way offtopic here #the point is that i have so fucking many pictures of fish #and also pictures of birds from the beach i have soooo fucking many. i should post more Photos