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vegaseatsass · 1 year

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GAP the Series ep 6 thoughts (spoilers!!)

Am about to embark on an epic two-day backread (dw this is like. self-soothing behavior, not an obligation) but first!! Let me quickly journal about GAP: The Intricate Rituals Series.

So this episode made me feral. I'm like "no way can they top what last week did to my brain" and then Sam was out here licking Mon's thigh and barking. GAP girlies, we are truly God's strongest soldiers.

Thigh-licking aside, Thee Moment for me this week was Mon: It's nothing Sam: That means it's something. Mon: How could you possibly know that? Sam: I'm that type of person. How could I possibly not know what it's like? I mean first of all hhhhh Sam recognizing herself in Mon's attempt at disregarding very strong/obvious emotions!!! They are so socially different yet still mirrors of each other!! But second of all, Mon has become such an expert at decoding Sam's chaotic hot-cold indirect communication style, and I realized this week that Sam's approach to understanding Mon when avoiding or withdrawing from her isn't to learn how to read between Mon's lines and carefully interpret her like Mon does with Sam, but to urge Mon towards direct communication, push her past her kneejerk social graces to tell Sam the things she would otherwise swallow down. Not sure if I'm explaining this well but I find it really lovely, that they're both so attuned to each other and so invested in really understanding what the other is thinking and feeling, but they have different, complementary skillsets in how to go about seeking answers: Mon is incredibly perceptive and Sam is incredibly assertive. They're learning from each other too!! Not only is Sam paying close attention to what Mon is feeling but she does this cute thing where she lists off all the evidence of what she's observed (you didn't answer my texts and said no to dinner!), like a student first learning how to do mathematical proofs kdjfsdff Mon meanwhile asks more direct questions of Sam every episode. "What am I to you?" It's no longer enough for her to rely on non-verbal cues. Tl;dr im love them.

"What do you want to eat?" "Your lips" WANNA SUCK MOUTH ENERGY STILL GOING STRONG. Sam is so openly horny it is such a delight to behold.

Jim telling Mon she almost broke up with her fiance when Sam kissed her lmaooo she gets it!! I'm also wondering if she (whether deliberately or subconsciously) shared that to try to provoke a reaction in Mon. Sam's friends are just always stirring the pot to try to make Mon/Sam happen, so the symmetry of Jim taunting first Sam and then Mon with kissies seems intentional. Regardless, I am living for how hard they all ship Sam/Mon, and how they lack a single shred of remorse for Kirk. "If you guys have a beautiful affair we won't tell!!!"

I loved Sam's apology to Jim for oh so many reasons (why is she such a sexy gremlin? "You slap me, I'll kiss you." Sam who taught you to be like this!! I know it wasn't grandma!!), but one of them is all the apology language she's adopted from Kirk and Mon. The fingerheart attempt was so uwu I am having trouble typing about it, but also I'm clocking the snack bribery as something she picked up from Kirk. Before Mon became her role model on how to human, Kirk was there. Like esp if he's been mitigating her grandma's influence on her since she was a kid? I can just see why that was such a central relationship for her before Mon came along. Like I am sad! That he wasn't actually reading the room and wingmanning for her with Mon in ep2! I would have loved that as a story choice sooo much more, he's more annoying for his heteronormativity goggles, and it legit sucks that he's pushing their relationship in earnest when AT A MINIMUM he knows Sam views marriage as a kind of punishment/failure of girlboss aspirations. But I still suspect (what I am anticipating we'll see of) Sam's sense of obligation around his proposal isn't exclusively about obeisance to her grandma. I think there probably was real love there and he probably was a transformative and vital support for her for a lot of her life. Idk I haven't backread any of the tag or anything so this may be a realllly unpopular take lmao but I'm compelled by mess and it's more interesting to me to think that Sam really has loved and depended on Kirk as a partner for most of her life, but she isn't in love with him, something that only became crystal clear after meeting Mon.

On the heteronormativity goggles note: proud of Nop for getting his shit together this fast! I mean I think he always knew, and last week Mon just took away his reason to keep lying to himself about it, but it's nice that he can comfortably transition into Mon's lesbianism supporter. SHE NEEDS ONE

Noticed that she started wearing rainbow earrings after their little discussion btw. Is she beginning to embrace her "like"-like-a-lover-not-like-a-fangirl feelings... signs point to yes. Honestly atp I think all she needed to take that bouquet and propose to Sam herself was some explicit confirmation that Sam sees her as girlfriend material and not as a weird servant-sister, so it's devastating that instead of getting that grounding, the rug was pulled out from under them both. The preview for next week feels v "I don't know if we were dating but I do know she broke up w/ me" and that's the kind of gay representation I desire MOST so thank you but also ow.

Ok sorry for tl;dr post but the last thing I'll say is that right now my reading is that before her conversation with Nop, Mon was not looking too closely at her feelings for Sam or what they could mean about their relationship or her own identity, and that's why for example she gets so upset Sam calls her an outsider but NOT that Kirk is doing couple-y stuff with Sam right in front of her! She knows she wants to be close to Sam and important and more than a sister or a servant to her, but she can't fully-fully embrace the word for what it is that she wants without Sam naming it first. Mon's issue is one of internal expression. On the other hand, I think Sam completely knows what she feels for Mon, and probably always has. She felt guilty and exposed that Kirk was being couple-y in front of Mon because she fully sees Mon as her girlfriend! (Did she not google "how to make up with your girlfriend" lol I mean.) But for her the issue is one of external expression: she can't say what she knows she wants and feels out loud, because at best it would get her disowned and at worst it would get her killed in a car crash like her sister, so she's left slapping her friends and inventing lip-biting games instead of using her words.

Ep 1, Ep 2, Ep 3, Ep 4, Ep 5

#gap the series #gap the series spoilers #dear diary #lol posting this unedited so i can start backreading so may get edited into more sense l8er #no guarantees tho #merry christmas to friends who celebrate and to all a HAPPY GAP WEEKEND!!!

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darlingflight-archived · 2 years

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so here’s an address of common misconceptions / fanon interpretations about barrie!wendy, reposted from my archived url.

peter tricked wendy into coming to n.everland by promising her adventures and then forcing her to be his mother / wendy didn’t like the role of ‘mother’.

no. the prospect of being a ‘mother’ to the motherless lost boys was one of the first things that drew wendy to the idea of n.everland and it was she who suggested the idea first. i think this misconception comes from people not being able to grasp wendy’s character. wendy goes to neverland because she wants adventures AND to be a mother to the lost boys. these are not conflicting desires. she can like the more ‘tomboy’ adventures and more ‘traditionally feminine’ pursuits as well. furthermore, wendy’s perception of motherhood is based upon her own mother and mrs. darling is clearly presented as a ‘lady’ who is adored, respected, and has her own version of power as the one in charge of the house. it’s no wonder that is something wendy would want to emulate.

wendy was always very starry-eyed at peter and allowed him to be rude to her.

no, she absolutely was not and did not. was she at times very charmed by him, admired him, romanticized him? yes. but whenever he was rude to her, she absolutely let him have it. people really should read the nursery scene because half of it is wendy and peter insulting each other and it’s hilarious. also, peter is far less rude in the text then he is in adaptations like d.isney. he could be exceedingly arrogant, but he could also be charming and polite and often showed wendy a great deal of respect as she was ‘mother’ and a ‘lady’.

what’s up with mr. darling and hook often being portrayed by the same actor?

not going to directly relate any misconceptions here because some of it is y i k e s.

since peter and wendy was first staged, there’s a tradition of the two characters being portrayed by the same actor. some versions, particularly p.eter pan (2003), acknowledge the character’s similar appearances and include it as part of the film’s subtext, the subtext being: 1. wendy is a young girl who’s just been told she has to get ready to grow up, which means marriage, and she doesn’t know anything about marriage so when she thinks of a figure that represents something similar she thinks of her dad cause she doesn’t know what else to think of and 2. that mr. darling and hook are natural contrasts to one another, hook appears brave but isn’t and mr. darling appears weak to his children because he is constrained and sacrificed so much, which wendy eventually realizes her father is the truly brave one and hook is a coward. yes, it’s odd and a bit f.reudian, but symbolism and metaphor is all there is to it.

it should be noted that in the text, there is no indication that mr. darling and hook share a similar appearance. i enjoy what the 2003 film did but personally do not portray wendy as associating mr. darling / hook in any way.

wendy should have stayed in n.everland / wendy gave up adventure for a boring life.

THIS IS THE MOST FREQUENT FANON I SEE AND I HATE IT. if wendy had stayed in n.everland, she would have DIED, either literally or metaphorically. contrary to popular opinion, time does exist in n.everland for certain people! wendy would age, she would physically grow up even if she attempted to keep a child’s mind. and when his companions get too old, peter kills them, as is explicitly stated in the text. even if wendy didn’t literally die, to be a forever child would require her to regress. she would have to give up those complicated feelings she was starting to have, she’d have to forget her parents, etc. n.everland would have destroyed wendy.

wendy did not have a boring life after n.everland. she lived, which is ‘an awfully big adventure’. she has a husband and children and grandchildren. she was happy.

wendy left n.everland because she missed her parents.

wendy left n.everland because to some extent, she realized what i described in the above misconception. wendy left to save herself.

wendy chose to grow up after leaving n.everland.

yes and no. wendy didn’t decide to immediately grow up nor was anyone in her family still pressuring her to do so ; both wendy and her family realized she needed to be allowed to grow up in her own time. it would be several more years and two more trips to n.everland before wendy ‘grew up’.

peter didn’t care about wendy.

some people characterize peter as only liking wendy because of her stories / because she acted as his mother. it was wendy’s stories that first drew him to her, but he didn’t just take her stories back to n.everland, he took wendy back as well. he cared enough about wendy to be upset at the thought of her leaving him. he cared enough for the narrator to note that wendy, a family, growing up, etc was a great adventure from which peter would be forever barred.

peter loved wendy / wendy and peter were meant to be together.

p.eter pan (2003) really plays up the possible romance between peter and wendy more so than the book, although there’s still some indication in the text. yet, in the end, both chose themselves. wendy saved herself because to remain with peter would kill her. peter was too much a coward to take on the ‘awfully big adventure’ of living. they weren’t meant to be together. wendy’s story is one of survival, growth, happiness. while peter’s story may seem happy and enviable, he is ultimately a tragedy. peter will always have one of wendy’s descendants for a companion, but he will eventually forget wendy herself.

wendy is a bad person in comparison to t.inkerbell / t.iger lily.

if i see ‘t.inkerbell was always there for peter and peter chose wendy’ one more time, i’m going to scream. THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN PETER AND T.INKERBELL WAS NOT ROMANTIC because she was an adult fairy and he was a human child. wendy did not ‘steal’ peter. as for wendy and t.iger lily, the romantic rivalry between them is barely mentioned in the text ( and as we all know, in general everything in the text about the indigenous tribe is y i k e s ). the perception most people have of the two is from the d.isney film where the animosity is played up.

wendy is a bad person because ________.

wendy is too girly, she’s too weak, she’s not a strong female character, she’s too naive, she’s boring, she should have done this, she should have done that. READ THE BOOK! she’s SUPPOSED to be the main character, yet has been sidelined in almost every adaptation to the point that few people are familiar with her original characterization. is she perfect? no. is barrie’s writing the most feminist thing ever as comparable to modern standards? no. but she is complicated, contradictory, non-stereotypical, and she ultimately chooses to save herself. to like wendy is to acknowledge that she made the right choice in leaving peter and n.everland, something i think people aren’t willing to do because they would rather imagine n.everland as this escapist fantasy when it’s not.

#▓ ▌▌ the biggest pretend ( headcanons. )#i mean its not hcs its just Facts but still.#▓ ▌▌ buried treasures ( saved. )

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serpentstole · 3 years

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Luciferian Challenge: Day 1

Who is Lucifer (or your Luciferian figure) and who are they to you? Feel free to include multiple answers if you have multiple figures.

This one is going to be a long answer, so I’m putting it under a cut for the sake of my followers. My thoughts on both halves of the question are below!

I do not feel equipped to say who Lucifer is. Much like the mantle of Satan, I think it’s a name or title that can be applied to a number of figures, whether they be spirit, deity, or demon; the Lucifer I know and build a relationship with might not even be the same entity that others approached, and given how illusive any concrete information on figures who have gone by that name can be, I think that’s fair.

There’s Lucifer, the Roman personification of the Morningstar, which has led some dubiously informed people to claim that Lucifer is a Roman god. There’s Lucifer as demon emperor in the Grand Grimoire, among others. There’s the Lucifer we associate with the rebellion of Paradise Lost, or the Serpent in Eden. There’s whatever’s going on with Gnostic Luciferians. Lucifer and Sophia being the material vs spiritual aspects of the same being is one take I’ve seen (unless I’m badly misremembering Jeremy Christner’s writing) though I believe for others he simply replaces Jesus or other figures as the gnostic saviour striving for mankind’s freedom through enlightenment.

I cannot begin to say if these are aspects of the same entity or completely separate beings, nor do I think it’s my place to try and make those claims. I think some of them are also going to be influenced somewhat by the attitudes or preconceptions of the individual... not so much Lucifer’s nature itself, but how they view it.

There are also theories that link Lucifer to the ancient Canaanite god Attar, who was also Attar to the Aramaic and Ugarit people, Athtar in South Arabia, Astar to to the Aksum, Ashtar to the Moab, and if those names are starting to sound familiar it’s because he was is seen as the same general deity as the goddes Istar to the Mesopotamians (and Astarte by proxy when Hellenized), in the same way that the sun god Shamash is related to the goddess Shams.

As you can probably tell, that is a subject that interests me greatly, and I’ve collected a number of papers and mythologies to study in relation to it. Even then I refrain from saying that my Lucifer and the god Attar are synonymous. We will likely never know how deep the connection goes, and while there are all manner of wonderful coincidences and similarities between the mythology surrounding Attar and our later perception of Lucifer, I don’t imagine there will come a day where I’ll be able to treat these theories as definitive, proven fact.

And of course, there’s the fact that Lucifer doesn’t actually appear in the bible, as I’ve previously explained, which can complicate things. Some people do speculate that the language used in Isaiah was inspired by the story of Attar trying and failing to claim the throne of Baal after his demise, and it would be incredibly interesting to me if a passage about a Babylonian king that was misinterpreted as being about Lucifer the fallen angel was inspired by a god who suffered a similar failure brought about by his pride. However, as I previously mentioned, we may never know for certain.

To say who Lucifer is to me is still evolving, and may always be. Due to all the aforementioned reasons and variations, I think his nature can be hard to pin down, and may be intentionally elusive. I sometimes see him as very mercurial for that reason.

The traits I associate with him are probably very similar to those that others do: a pursuit of knowledge and rejection of dogma, striving to better oneself and one’s situation, an adversarial and rebellious nature, and an emphasis on freedom (sometimes through enlightenment, sometimes more literal). In my experience, even those who take an atheistic approach to Luciferianism still use Lucifer as an archetype or symbol of these shared ideals.

Like many, the Satan of Paradise Lost is a major influence for me despite my tendency to affectionately dub it Biblical Fanfiction, and everything that’s come after can also resonate with my understanding and appreciation of him. His possible connection to Attar is one that’s interested me for some time and something I want to develop further, if only for the sake of my own Unverified Personal Gnosis. I wish to do more reading on Istar for similar reasons. I consider the Serpent in Eden to be an extension or emissary of Lucifer, rather than them being one in the same, though I have no text to point to for this beyond my own tastes and interpretations.

Given my interest in Orphism, I’m also very interested to see if my research into Phanes will influence my view of Lucifer, as I have always felt that Lucifer has a strong feminine aspect, and Phanes is an epicene deity with a name that means to shine and an association with snakes. I am deeply allergic to the tendency to say “the god in this pantheon is secretly just this other god” since I find it reductive, and it usually doesn’t pay attention to the concept of syncretism or how these cultures might have shared and spread ideas. However, the similarities between the more traditionally Luciferian side of my beliefs and the Orphic tinged Greek side of my religious practices have a good deal of thematic overlap.

And finally, to quote Jack Spicer’s fantastic poem for the umpteenth time on this blog…Imagine Lucifer. An angel without angelness. A poem that has revised itself out of sound, imagine, rhyme, concordance. Absent all of God spoke of, present everything a poem is. The law I say, the Law Is? What is Lucifer. An emperor with no clothes, no skin, no flesh, no heart.

An emperor!

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(This was already long enough without mentioning Azazel and Eve, so I’ve linked to recent posts explaining their roles in my practice if you click on their names. They’ll probably get more of a mention in future prompts where it’s appropriate.)

#luciferianism #theistic luciferianism #witchblr #30 Day Luciferian Challenge #30dayluciferianchallenge #occultblr #illumine

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bookofmirth · 3 years

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after rereading the series and finally finishing silver flames ( which i truly enjoyed, even when there were points which felt disappointing and a little incoherent ) i feel like i can finally pinpoint what is so jarring to me regarding this series. It just seems so disjointed, which becomes especially apparent after reading MaF and the immediately reading WaR.

We move from the first two novels of the series, which are coherent and clean, to WaR - which is hoenstly just a mess, something which was so blatant to me on the reread. during this time, it’s clear that sjm made several massive changes to link this book to the future spin offs, and also obviously changes her original plan to pair mor and azriel - which monumentally changes the way that the previous book is read, and the perception of their characters.

Even with FaS - setting up for cassian and nestas story, sjm completely changes direction between this release and silver flames. And all of that lead up with the Illyrian rebellions and cassians not being respected as a bastard, and his mission fighting for Illyrian female rights - amounts to absolutely nothing.

Don’t get me wrong, I really really enjoyed silver flames, and perhaps some of these ideas will crop up in azriels book and therefore won’t be wasted. But it just makes the series feel disjointed and leaves me at least, feeling unfulfilled.

Sjm is such a good author, in ToG the plot was expertly executed and when you reread the series, you can see hints and foreshadowing even back to book one. She knew exactly where she was going almost from the beginning, and each decision and plot point was used to create impact and build up to the ending. I don’t get that with acotar.

There is so so so much build, and almost no pay off - and I really got that sense in acosf, I loved it as a stand alone - but when we look at it through the perspective of the entire series, there were things which grated and a lot of things which I felt were built up to and nothing happened... Tomas, Cassians mother ( was so sure we would learn where she was buried at least ) the Illyrian rebellions and the Illyrians hatred and disrespect towards Cassian, Mor and Nestas relationship, CASSIAN AND MORS RELATIONSHIP ( I understand that the mor situation will be something which is focused upon primarily in azriels book, or hopefully her own, however their relationship involves Cassian as much as them both and I really wish Cassian had actually confronted the part he played in that whole situation - a part he played for 500 (!!!!) years. It’s a role which he was unable to relinquish in ACOWAR, and actively rejects Nesta to act as a buffer multiple times, seeing it as an obligation almost - and then in SF, pays it no attention at all. Feyre and Nestas relationship also isn’t really touched upon, as if that final act healed everything - what about that interrupted conversation in the library, when Nesta was cut off ? Why Nesta always favoured Elain, even Amren and Nesta - we still don’t really know what happened there... argh there’s just so much potential and so much set up, and it just seems forgotten about ? It makes the book seem disjointed and a bit of a let down.

Yesss I totally get what you mean here. ToG is honestly the superior series, and it’s because it has the cohesion that acotar doesn’t. Everything feels like it’s meant to be there, each character, each worldbuilding detail, their histories, everything just comes together in a wonderful way that just wrecked me when EoS came out and then was resolved perfectly in KoA.

Compared to that, acotar feels like sjm is figuring things out along the way and it is seriously driving me nuts. I’ve had multiple conversations with other people in Discords and they’ve said similar things. acotar at this point feels like sjm is just coming up with random ass ideas and throwing them in. No book in the series feels more like that than acowar. And it was that point where we knew that there would be more books, right? So combined with the fact that she pounded that book out and it got rather half-assed editing, you’re probably right that a lot of things were changed in order to set up the other books, even though it didn’t make sense with what she’d written before.

I agree with you re: Mor and Az, and I feel like I’ve been seeing more people say that lately? That there is a feeling that they actually were supposed to be together and she changed her mind? I wrote a bunch of fics for them back in the day and they’ve gotten a bit more attention lately. But once acowar came out I was like, I’m gonna reread, and I’m gonna find all the clues, I’m gonna see where all this build-up was, and.... considering how often people say that sjm is so “good” at foreshadowing, I’m sorry, but not in this series. In ToG, yes, because she had a clear goal at the end! She knew where she was going and she stayed on that path. In acotar, idfk. Anyway my point is that I’ve reread the series a couple of times through since acowar came out and I’m still over here shrugging because up until that point, Mor and Az could be read in completely opposite ways. (Maybe it’s an Azriel thing, given the current discourse, idk.)

I will say, however, that we had clues that there was tension between them and I had noted that Az is quiet troubled and even pre-acomaf, I would not have been surprised by his extra in acosf. But all of that could have been addressed with Mor and Az still being together? We all had plenty of explanations at the time for the tension, and Mor being queer was like 1 of 100 of those explanations.

If we look at Mor’s character through the books we have so far, I still see almost zero signs that she’s queer except for her literally saying “I like women and Rita’s has a lot of women and here’s my gay story”. Other than that, there is like..... nothing that feels organically queer about her!!! And I love her and I want her to be gay af!!!! But I wonder if my forgiveness of how acowar went down was more about my personal reaction than how well the story was actually done.

And the fact that, like you said, there is still no resolution to the fact that Cassian is supposedly a buffer between Mor and Azriel? Like???? We were all sitting here after acowar thinking “okay, well if she’s gay then someone knows. Someone has to know. She can’t just be gay and NO ONE WHO LOVES HER KNOWS.”

Then in comes acosf with a big “fuck you, y’all thought” which just.... to me, it signals that her queerness was an afterthought. It’s still an afterthought because her queerness is limited to Mor and women blushing at her and Mor has her corner of the world in which she can be gay, but that gay never spills out into any other aspect of her life. It’s just conveniently isolated so that it doesn’t touch or affect other characters.

In terms of continuity, acowar was such a huge shifting point in the series that people left in droves. It was a huge mess in the fandom. And then acofas was just fluff with no real point in pushing the story forward - even the Nesta stuff was a sneak peek, it had nothing to do with acofas itself. And now acosf comes in ignoring things she had set up previously, with almost zero nuanced discussion of the Cassian/Azriel/Mor thing, which means she still (?) doesn’t know what’s going on there. And I think that we did get some answers with Nesta’s reflection on her relationship with her mother, but the deal with the Illyrian rebellion was just in the way so let’s nix that, and then let’s focus on Eris (🤮) just because she feels like it even though she’s set up all these other characters whose stories need more. (Much like acowar, this paragraph is a MESS LOL)

And yes I KNOW that the series isn’t over, clearly, but she keeps setting things up and then letting them go nowhere, or making them seem important and then resolving them off-page, or changing character relationships (Mor and Az) but then having the characters involved act exactly the same, as if nothing had changed (by having the “buffer” situation still exist as a real thing).

I did enjoy the book, a lot, it was a fun read. But tbh we have so many arguments and disagreements within the fandom rn because things have been so left open to interpretation that we it’s not even a matter of “oh I saw this slightly differently”, it’s “WHAT book did these people even read???” That’s kinda weird, to me. There is reader response, and then there is what we have now, which is people having absolute opposite reactions to what they think happened in acosf.

#acosf #acosf spoilers #spoilers #sjm critical #ask #acotar #wow you got me started lol #anon

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dramaticviolincrescendo · 3 years

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So. Ryan.

I’m going back to s4 for a minute because the wonderful @damngcoffee and I were discussing fleeting yet fascinating Ryan, and I wanted to put my thoughts out into the universe. I hope you don’t mind.

I’ve never thought too deeply about the dynamic between Ian and Ryan before. Even in planning out “In Pieces,” analyzing Ryan’s motives wasn’t strictly necessary because it’s not really something Ian would pick up on based on his perspective in this situation. Ostensibly, it’s quite simple: during his club days, Ian is swinging with a new and visibly elegant circle in a drastically different part of society than he grew up in. That’s why Mickey is so out of his element there, whereas Ian expertly camouflages himself the way he always has. On the surface, there’s nothing out of the ordinary here. Just a party. Just Ian, manic and feeling on top of the world and in his element. Just another red flag missed amidst a sea of them. What happens at the party, however, really seems to potentially indicate that there’s more to this and more to Ryan as a character than merely acting as a clever setup for Mickey to indicate that he and Ian are officially in a relationship.

Up to that point, all we’ve seen surrounding Ian from Mickey’s point of view are real slime balls—older men preying on someone that they don’t necessarily realize is underage, but they definitely know is very, very young and vulnerable. There’s the lap dance guy, the one who can’t run to save his life, and the dude who’s just asking for his fingers to be broken one by one. Mickey alludes to two in particular over breakfast that first morning, and when Ian mentions a regular inviting them to a party, Mickey is focused on a rather specific image of what one of Ian’s regulars must be like.

Then they go to Ryan’s loft, and...it’s classy. Sophisticated. This isn’t a raucous after-party, but a very different atmosphere, full of upper-middle to upper-class ladies and gentlemen who are clearly professionals. Many of them are in suits or dressed nicely, having a late-night drink and speaking tastefully. They’re also substantially older than Ian and Mickey, who are only nearing seventeen and nineteen respectively at the time. These people have careers and, in the case of the sociologist Mickey speaks with, are working on advanced degrees. The only visible drugs are the ones on the table in front of Ian while he’s asleep the following morning. This isn’t the kind of party that we’d expect, knowing where Ian is mentally at this time like we do.

We tend to focus a lot on what Mickey’s response to all this is, but I’d like to use it as a diving board for analyzing a few dimensions of Ryan’s character that appear to indicate that, through the encroaching darkness of Ian’s as yet unacknowledged illness, there are people who are possibly watching out for him. So, here are a few things that stand out about our encounters at Ryan’s loft:

Ian says that Ryan is one of his “regulars.” Based on what we’ve seen so far, this immediately has us thinking there’s a level of sexual interest on Ryan’s side, even if only as something of a voyeur who enjoys watching Ian dance at the club. There’s no physical manifestation of that interest, though. Ryan noticeably doesn’t behave like the skeevy guys we’ve already seen, Ned included. That doesn’t exclusively mean that he’s on the up-and-up, of course, but I found it worth noting that their hug is just a hug, and he doesn’t step out of his role as a cordial host for a second. He treats Ian the same as he treats Mickey: with kindness and social acceptance, albeit with more familiarity. And when Ian goes with him to see what drinks are available, there aren’t any apparent undertones. Ryan immediately heads towards the open kitchen, and Ian follows at a polite distance. Host and attendee—those are our initial vibes as far as Ryan is concerned. It’s jarringly different from our other forays into Ian’s current lifestyle.

Enter the sociologist. What a fascinating individual for Ryan to interact with. He immediately asks if Mickey is with Ian, which is nothing special in itself and serves as a way to engage Mickey in conversation without simply asking what he does. The fact that he moves into that, however, is very interesting to me because he’s so straightforward about it. It’s not an interrogation, yet there’s an element of investigation to it. Perhaps he’s just a curious guy making conversation with someone who looks uncomfortable; perhaps he’s familiar with Ian from these parties and is doing a bit of research into who it is that Ian brought with him, as it is arguably the first time that’s happened. Either way, what he says that he’s studying is a “blink and you’ll miss it” sort of reference. It also flies under the radar for anyone who isn’t familiar with the field of sociology. We end up like Mickey: lost and confused by “transgender sex work and symbolic interactionism within the framework of hustler-client relations,” but generally understanding that he’s studying sex workers and pimps—emphasis on the sex workers. Something we know Ian was at the time, working the front and back of the club as he later admits.

Now, for the uninitiated, symbolic interactionism is a theoretical perspective in the field of sociology that focuses on how our social interactions with other people, social institutions, and the world around us both facilitate our construction of reality and alter or solidify our perceptions of our existing reality. While there are many directions his study may be taking him in, this sociologist is writing a dissertation on the meaning that is made between hustlers and clients—what symbols emerge that define each side, their roles, their meaning to one another, the dissemination of the values and norms that guide their relationships, etc. In short, he’s studying the socially constructed meaning of the relationship that specifically transgender sex workers and pimps have with each other and their clients.

On the surface, that has no bearing on this situation. Mickey’s confused, and it’s an ironic bit of writing to connect him to this group he’s uncomfortable with by showing that South Side Mickey is the pimp that the upper classes of society are studying for their Ph.D. It’s pure satire, a brief commentary on just how different classes of society can be and perhaps even a nod to how lower classes are inside the fishbowl that upper classes are peering into but will never truly experience. To the viewer, however, what a sign that may be, depending on your interpretation. Ian has clearly been around this group of people enough that he’s known. They’re familiar enough with him to say that he’s great and how lucky Mickey is to have him. If Ryan is one of Ian’s regulars, then they know where he came from. They know he’s young, and they know what he does for a living right now. There’s no way this sociologist—studying what he’s studying, asking what he’s asking—doesn’t have some professional interest in Ian’s circumstances. Enough, perhaps, to check in on who this person he’s brought with him is. Ordinarily, I wouldn’t read so much into that, but this isn’t the only time it happens.

The next morning, Ian is asleep and Ryan chooses to wake Mickey first. He knows Mickey wasn’t comfortable with him the night before, which I thought he handled with a lot of grace and good-humor. In most cases, I’d expect more disdain, but not with Ryan. It’s interesting, then, that he didn’t go to Ian first given their familiarity. Sure, he knows Ian worked the night prior. He may just have impeccable manners and want Ian to sleep a bit longer. If he’s a regular, he knows Ian needs it. (He probably also sees the drugs on his coffee table and figures he definitely needs it, but I digress.)

So, he wakes Mickey. He makes a casual joke. Then, when Mickey says he’s not Ian’s keeper, his demeanor shifts just slightly. His expression grows hesitant—tentative, like he’s been meaning to ask something but hasn’t quite worked up to it. For someone who should just be a regular, who shouldn’t care much outside of Ian dancing, whose interest has been that of a polite acquaintance thus far, his gaze is more intent than I’d have expected as he waits for Mickey to tell him if he’s a boyfriend or if he’s someone who is a one-night deal. Are they together, or is Mickey just a fleeting fancy for Ian?

Are they together, or is Mickey taking advantage of this very, very young sex worker that Ryan has conveniently invited to his home after work instead of him going home with some stranger?

Are they together, or is Mickey some stranger?

When Mickey says they’re together, the intensity ebbs and casual Ryan is back. He offers a contented reply and heads off to get breakfast for Mickey, still not knowing what Ian wants. If that was his prime motivation for approaching them in the first place, wouldn’t he have woken Ian up at that point? Wouldn’t he have completed his task of taking breakfast orders? It makes me wonder if that’s not why he woke Mickey at all. It makes for a good excuse when he was delivering food to others who stayed overnight, but the more I rewatch their interactions, and the more I read into how dissonant his position as “a regular” and his behavior are, the more I wonder if there’s something else to Ryan.

A regular who doesn’t seem all that interested in Ian as anything other than an acquaintance—a person, not a dancer or object like literally everyone else in Ian’s new life that we’ve seen so far.

An engineer and photographer Ian says with absolute certainty doesn’t want or expect anything from him.

A professional with professional friends who are studied in the fields of sociology and sex work.

A man somewhat older than them who checks in with Mickey—after someone else has already done so and discovered that their sex worker guest is there with a self-proclaimed pimp—to inquire after his relationship with Ian in a relatively non-invasive manner.

Ian was taken advantage of by so many people as a kid and especially during his initial spiral. I’ve always thought of this as being a lonely time for him even though he certainly felt like he was a part of everything and surrounded by all the wonders of the world. He abandoned the military and his dreams. He flitted into and out of Ned’s home. Monica flitted into and out of his life yet again. His family wasn’t looking until Lip’s hands were tied by the MPs, and even then they were almost immediately distracted by the situation with Fiona and Liam. Mickey was married and seemingly out of reach. He’d left his friends and connections behind.

But maybe, just maybe, there was a guy who saw him at work and saw him. Maybe there was a guy who was a little older, a little more educated, and a little more savvy about the scene Ian was involved in when he noticed this kid dancing on a stage in a place he had no business going to.

And maybe this guy decided that he’d look out for this kid who was in way over his head, indirect and not at all obvious about it, yet someone who cared at a time when Ian unknowingly and unintentionally had to rely on the kindness of strangers.

#shameless #shameless meta #Ian gallagher #it’s ian gallagher loving hours

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sokkathebluewolf · 3 years

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I am chickened out from gladiator because it is this long and it keeps getting longer is it worth my time to read it ??

... Uh, well. I can’t help but wonder if you’re aware this blog is run by the actual author of the story in question? I don’t know if you expect me to give you a non-biased answer when I’ve considered the story was worth 8 years of my life xD as far as I’m concerned, it absolutely has been worth it, but I can’t speak for the whole wide world when it comes to that. If you want the opinions of readers, there’s probably other blogs run by people who have read the story and who might have critical opinions about it... that may be what you were looking for. If, however, you were deliberately hoping to get my opinion on my own story... well, yes, for me it’s clearly worth it xD Otherwise, I would’ve quit ages ago.

The story is indeed very long and it keeps getting longer, and it will keep getting longer because we’re not done yet and won’t be for a while :’D if you’re the type of reader who can’t stand it when they catch up to stories and have to wait for updates, well, feel free to give it a shot when I’m done writing it, I guess? It’ll be a while until then, but it’s up to you. If you don’t like reading really long stories, then it’s probably better for you if you don’t force yourself to read this one, I know not everyone is ready to dedicate that much time to reading something, especially if they have lots of things to do. Hence, if the length daunts you, that’s alright, it daunts me too and I’m responsible for it xD it’s fine if that deters you from reading it.

But as the way you phrased your question almost sounded like you’re challenging me to give you some sort of sales pitch to catch your attention, let’s see if I can pull it off:

Gladiator is a massive ATLA AU, not only in terms of story length but also scope: it’s a complete rewrite of the entirety of ATLA in a more mature setting, starting chapter 1 with the characters 5 years older than they were in canon. Aang’s adventures in saving the world did not take place here because of a simple enough reason: Katara didn’t accompany Sokka on his boat on the fateful day when they were meant to find Aang, which means the story as we’ve known it simply doesn’t take place. I’ve taken liberties here and there, added some changes from canon when I needed to do so, in order to ensure the story works, but the gist of the story is to set a stage where the Fire Nation marched onwards, practically unopposed, and conquered the Earth Kingdom with the power of Sozin’s Comet (just in case it needs to be clarified, without certain technological developments, Ozai’s wild plan to incinerate the whole world wouldn’t happen, and if Team Avatar isn’t assembled before the Comet shows up, said technological developments simply wouldn’t exist... :’D). I’ve had to figure out how many details would change, how much of the original story would or wouldn’t happen without Team Avatar’s involvement, I think most my choices have been solid, but it’ll be up to you to decide if you think they are or not if you read the story.

The worldbuilding of Gladiator, then, is preeeetty huge and complicated because of that starting point. There’s a lot of elements that are completely new (such as the Gladiator League and all its derivates), some OCs, some lore expansion, so you can definitely say it’s an ambitious project. In a sense, I’ve reset canon to zero, and at the same time I haven’t, which makes things complicated but, for me, really fun to develop. If you’re interested in seeing more of the Avatarverse explored, characters repurposed, with new dynamics and relationships, Gladiator may just be what you’ve been looking for :D

In my experience, the main reason why most people stumble into this fic (other than by sorting FF.net’s ATLA stories by review count and drawing blanks upon glimpsing a Sokkla story on the first page xD) is because they’ve been drawn into Sokkla, or they’re looking for stories centered around Azula or Sokka. Gladiator, evidently, features all three such elements because, obviously, those two are the protagonists and their relationship is the beating heart of the whole tale. I’ve been asked in the past who’s the real protagonist and I honestly still have no idea xD but anyways, if you’re interested in reading a story with a toooooon of Azula character development, even if it takes place across a long, long time, this story may just do the trick. I’ve done the best I could to keep her character as true to what I believed a young adult Azula might become, within the circumstances of this story. She has grown a LOT in 200 chapters, goes without saying (if she hadn’t, I’d be one heck of a failure of an author x’D), so if you’re interested in seeing a slow but effective growth arc for Azula, you’ll certainly find that in Gladiator. Same is true for Sokka, but I think most people who come to this fic for Sokka are interested in seeing him being a badass, which we have plenty of as well xD still, it’s also a long and slow process for Sokka to grow into a powerful warrior, neither him nor Azula start out in the story with all the answers, and they both bump into many hurdles as they navigate their complicated lives.

There’s a lot of humor in Gladiator, perhaps more than expected with a story that has that sort of dark premise, but it’s, on great measure, because Sokka and Azula are inevitably given to banter xD if you want to read a lot of banter between those two, well, you may not be bored in 200 chapters because, while the nature of their exchanges does vary as they both develop, their conversations are usually pretty spirited and they love trying to outsmart each other all the time.

If you are already a Sokkla shipper and the main reason you’re here is because you want more Sokkla goodness in your life... I’ll just say Gladiator has become a bit of a dream come true for me as a Sokkla shipper as well, because it’s the perfect space for me to work with virtually every idea I’ve ever had for these two. Yes, there’s drama and conflict here and there, if you’re not too given to angst there’s a few parts of the story that won’t sit so well with you, though if you love angst you’ll probably enjoy them plenty... yet what I’m most proud of, with this story, is having developed their relationship not only as best I could, but I’ve also attempted to defy typical storytelling structures for romance stories, where the lead couple can’t seem to have a stable relationship because “that would be boring”. Screw that, man: these two have been in a serious relationship together in-story by now for well over half the published chapters, and I’ve had the time of my life writing their dynamics as a couple while the plot continues to develop around them. This, however, is not everyone’s cup of tea, so if you aren’t all that given to seeing such traditional romance storytelling structures dismissed because I wanted to write my favorite ship dealing with all their external struggles while finding strength in the bond they share, Gladiator may not hold your attention long enough for you to devote yourself to reading it beyond chapter 100-ish. On the other hand, if this subversion of romance structure is what you’ve been looking for all your life, or if it’s what you always wanted and never knew you wanted it, or if you’re simply curious as to whether it works or not, Gladiator may suit your interests fairly well. Again, Sokkla is the absolute center of this story, both together and independently, so if you want to see a rewrite of ATLA with them at the core of just... everything? xD that’s absolutely what you’ll find here.

That being said, there’s things I guess you should mind about Gladiator: I have some relatively controversial takes about certain things, including interpretations of fan-favorite characters that some people have been known to take offense over. I, personally, believe my interpretations of those characters don’t deviate that much from canon or that, when they do, the setting itself explains why the deviation works as it does, but due to the fact that I work with a protagonist who was in a villainous role back in ATLA, her relationships with some characters can be more complicated than a lot of people seem to believe they should be. Hence, if you’re not particularly adverse to reading content that brings up big questions about the motivations of certain characters, or how they’d react if the story from ATLA hadn’t happened exactly as it did, you’ll have enough fun in Gladiator. If, however, you don’t particularly care to see anything that shows beloved characters in a not-so-flattering light, this story may not be for you (though, if you’re willing to humor me and allow my story to question your perception of those characters, feel free to try the story as well).

There’s also a variety of dark themes and situations in Gladiator, something that any reader should be warned about in this day and age: I am 100% against violence for the sake of violence, to name one such subject, and I generally try to portray it with as much nuance as possible, but even if I feature my own characters criticizing their violent world and wanting to put an end to the strife caused by the Fire Nation, some of the violence in Gladiator may be a little too much for the readers who prefer the tone of the original ATLA. Hence, if that’s how it is for you, it’s another reason to approach the story with caution. I won’t pretend I’ve handled every theme and subject perfectly, but I’ve never wanted the darker moments to feel gratuitous in any way, so if you’re open to reading a darker take on the Avatarverse, this may work for you after all.

Alas! If you want to see Azula growing out of the toxic Fire Nation indoctrination, if you want to see Sokka gaining confidence and strength as a man and warrior, if you want to see a fleshed-out but still very much villainous Ozai, if you want to see Toph fulfilling her dreams of joining an all-out fighting league where she can beat people up for a living, if you want to see a myriad of secondary ATLA characters (like Song, or Shoji!) given new lives and even genuine protagonism, if you want to see Zuko discovering he’s allowed to just... be happy? xD Gladiator may prove interesting enough for you.

Furthermore, if you want to see Azula being true friends with Mai and Ty Lee, discovering a dragon, developing new firebending styles, confronting her misplaced beliefs about herself, rebelling subtly (and lately, not so subtly) against her father, growing into a great leader who could change the Fire Nation’s nefarious direction... aaand if you want to see Sokka fighting creatively (sometimes with TWO swords!), navigating the dangerous waters of interacting with Fire Lord Ozai, staying true to his beliefs while also learning that the world is not as black-and-white as he was raised to think it was, understanding himself better and making the most of his potential as a quick learner, writing embarrassing haiku and being an unapologetic rebel who goes toe-to-toe with Heads of State just because he can... yep. Probably read it? xD

Lastly... if you want to see Sokka and Azula grow through their mistakes, learning to understand each other, fighting side by side, training together, dancing to no music, learning the underrated pleasure of proper communication in a relationship, sassing each other left and right, flirting in ridiculous ways, taunting each other in many regards, laughing at each other’s terrible jokes, protecting each other fiercely, challenging each other to a spicy ramen eating contest, discovering indirect bending, being highly inappropriate at times and places where they shouldn’t be, making long, dangerous yet fun journeys together, sneaking around to meet up when they’re not supposed to, standing by each other in their darkest moments, watching over the other when they’re sick/injured, being ready to sacrifice virtually anything for each other, and even defying and defeating even death to save each other...? Well, I don’t know if there’s any other stories where you might find all of this, but I can guarantee you’ll find it in Gladiator :)

If none of this is convincing enough... that’s a shame, but I understand. If it convinced you to give it a shot, however... I guess I’ll just hope you enjoy it enough to stick around! :) thanks for taking my story into consideration regardless of whatever you decide. Have a nice day!

#anon #ask #gladiator #self-promotion I guess?

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p1harmonyofficial · 3 years

Text

[📰] K-Pop Rookies P1Harmony Are Writing Their Own Coming of Age Story

By Crystal Bell

K-pop group P1Harmony debuted three months ago with their audacious single "Siren," and member Jiung is already dreaming of the perfect solo vacation. The 19-year-old singer wants to emphasize that this is a trip he'd like to — no, needs to — do alone, when he can safely do so. ("You need to bold the word 'alone,'" leader Keeho adds in English, a knowing glint of mirth in his eyes. "Put it in italics too.") So, more about this excursion: "If possible, I want to go to a foreign country," Jiung tells Teen Vogue from an office in Seoul, South Korea. He doesn't have a specific place in mind, just somewhere new and exciting and, most importantly, a place where he can be alone to freely organize his thoughts without any other responsibilities.

It sounds like a lyric ripped from the pages of his notebook, or the plot of a coming-of-age movie his 17-year-old groupmate Intak would enjoy: a young man on a voyage of self-discovery, chasing a feeling to a faraway land to escape his adolescent ennui. For now, however, it's just a lofty resolution for the new year.

"I also want to travel alone because I've never done it before," youngest member Jongseob, who recently turned 15, enthusiastically offers in Korean. Jiung, always one to help the younger sort out his feelings, is quick to quash the teenage rapper's theoretical plans. "That's not very realistic," he says. "You're too young to travel alone." Undeterred, Jongseob carries on: "Then my goal this year is to drink more milk."

"He wants to grow taller, but I don't think milk helps that much," Keeho comments, shaking his head while his teal quiff stays firmly in place. "I heard that's a myth."

Technically, they're not wrong. Unaccompanied minors can't travel internationally without a parent's formal consent in South Korea, and there's no proven scientific correlation between dairy and height. But spoken aloud, this interaction sounds more like playful goading among good friends. It's a testament to Keeho, Theo, Jiung, Intak, Soul, and Jongseob's comfortable dynamic as a group that the copper-haired youngest just earnestly smiles through the minor sting of his hopes being swiftly dashed.

For all of the training that goes into a K-pop artist's career, perhaps the most vital lesson is learning how to symbiotically coexist in close quarters with someone who is unfamiliar to you. Like most things, it is a process. Harmony isn't achieved overnight, especially among six teenage boys who have differing definitions of the word "clean." Cultural differences present unique challenges, too. When Keeho left his home in Canada to pursue his musical dreams as a trainee at FNC Entertainment in Seoul, he didn't have much trouble fitting in. Or so he thought. "He was funny," Jiung says in retrospect. "But I don't think we were able to communicate well." It wasn't that they couldn't understand what Keeho was saying — the soulful singer grew up speaking Korean with his family — but rather they couldn't understand him.

"Everyone would be stressed out, and I would be like, 'Guys, relax. Why are you stressing out over this?'" Keeho says animatedly with his hands. "They couldn't understand why I was so relaxed. How could I not care about anything? And I couldn't understand why they were always so stressed about things. It took a while to get on the same page."

That's where communication comes in. "The key is being honest," Jiung explains. "We have a lot of talks." These regular conversations allow the members to resolve potential issues before they spiral into larger, more disharmonious problems. Keeho is refreshingly open about this. "We're always stuck together," he adds. "We live together. We see each other 24 hours a day. Seeing anyone 24 hours a day, you'll eventually be, like, ugh, get away from me, but because we communicate so much, that [feeling] is reduced." Establishing rules and boundaries also helps. "We have a basic rule that you clean up the mess you've made," Jongseob says from where he's perched behind Jiung. (This rule is especially important to methodical Jiung.) And then there's vocalist Theo, the eldest member who also takes on the role of the group's even-keeled mediator because he's a good listener, and he likes giving advice.

"I'm not very opinionated," the blonde says. At 19, he's a few months older than Keeho but harder to read. He's both lighthearted and enigmatic. "I'm not good at expressing my feelings," Theo explains. "But the members are really good at expressing themselves and their emotions, so I'm learning how to open up because of them." According to Keeho, Theo is "bad at being serious," adding, "We'll have to have a serious talk, and he won't be able to take it. He's always trying to lighten the mood. He's the comedic relief."

Keeho makes a habit of describing the members' various idiosyncrasies in fervent detail. It's a very leaderly thing to do, to make sure that everyone feels understood. Occasionally, he also jumps in to help interpret their answers into English, or to encourage others to speak. Soul, who is half-Korean but was raised in Japan, could be described as a quiet person: an introvert who wears a lot of black, listens to metal, and has a particular obsession with massive skull rings and accessories. But he's also acutely perceptive. He'd rather listen and observe than be an active participant in the conversation. "I like when the rest of the members are discussing an idea," he says quietly in Korean (he's still learning the language). "I like watching them talk." It's not that he's not involved, but as Keeho puts it, "He's always supporting us silently and observing us." For Soul, it's more fun to sit and watch.

You can get a sense of these dynamics as they unfold on the last track of the group's debut EP, Disharmony: Stand Out. It's a skit, or audio recording of the members — then, just trainees — as they talk candidly about their dreams to perform and contemplate the implications of such aspirations. "I work hard here for the debut, but when I go to school, I wonder, 'What am I doing here?'" Intak says on tape, recalling how strange it feels to not have the same priorities as his classmates who are all preparing for their college admissions. Theo quells his concerns, telling him how lucky he is to already be working toward his dream. "That's a cool thing," Keeho adds, as Soul silently listens in the background.

While his peers prepared for their academic futures, Intak was spending his evenings dancing, rapping, singing, and writing lyrics, while also stunt training alongside his groupmates and preparing to become a… movie star. A few weeks before the release of their album, P1H: A New World Begins hit theaters across South Korea in early October. The first K-pop origin story to hit the big screen, the feature film introduced P1Harmony and their sci-fi lore to the masses. Long story short: After a deadly virus spreads chaos and violence around the globe, six boys with extraordinary gifts are humanity's only hope for survival. The filming experience was invaluable for the artists, who until that point had only ever studied music and performance. "Acting training really helped with my facial expressions," Intak says. "I learned how to portray my emotions on stage." Keeho agrees, adding, "We got very friendly with the camera."

Singers who rap, rappers who sing, dancers who act — the boys of P1Harmony forgo clearly defined roles in favor of being versatile and, well, good at everything.

As for their music, Disharmony: Stand Out is a snapshot of Gen Z unrest, simmering with angst ("Siren") and bucking wildly, vibrantly against convention ("Nemonade"). Teenage turmoil has been fueling the K-pop industry since the very beginning, and there's a certain nostalgia to P1Harmony's no-holds-barred approach. Members Soul and Jongseob both credit B.A.P and their hard-hitting style with inspiring them to become artists, with Zelo influencing Jongseob to pursue rap in elementary school. You can hear those more aggressive, hip-hop-tinged influences on Disharmony, as well as softer, more lyrical R&B flourishes ("Butterfly").

"We wanted to convey feelings and situations that are not harmonious," Jongseob says. "We want to say don't be afraid to stand out and to say what you want to say — speak your truth, and do it with courage and confidence." Despite his age, the young rapper carries himself like a veteran. By all accounts, he's earned the title, having won the competition series K-pop Star 6 at age 12 in 2017 and competed in YG Treasure Box less than two years later. These experiences, he says, helped him feel more comfortable performing. By the time he came to FNC, he was already a prodigy with the confidence and flow of a performer twice his age.

"There are so many people, our age especially, who aren't always able to speak courageously and confidently," Keeho adds. "So we wanted to encourage everyone, especially ourselves, to never be afraid to say what you want to say."

And they practice what they preach. All of the members are credited lyricists on the album, with all six collaborating on the roaring hip-hop track "That's It." Part cypher, part vibes, "That's It" is teeming with boyish swagger and possibility. "Even though it was the first time all six of us worked on a song together, surprisingly we were all on the same page from the very first meeting, and it came together quickly," Jiung recounts, adding that each member wrote their own verse. "It was fun," Keeho chirps.

That creative energy is also channeled into their performances. "Because we do take part in a lot of the songwriting, we also want to convey that in our dance," Intak explains. Though he's part of the group's rap line, his first love was dance. He started taking lessons as a child. "My mom is a dancer, so she's where I got my love of dancing," he says. As such, he's well-versed in conveying emotion through motion. "We always have an idea of how we want to portray these emotions with our bodies," he says. The members choreograph their own center gestures. These movements are a small but significant part of any performance, because this is where their charisma and individuality shine brightest.

"I wanted to become a singer because I wanted to perform onstage," Theo says. "So being able to be on music programs performing on real stages, surrounded by bright LED lights and visual backdrops, I feel like a main character. When all of the lights are on me, I feel like a star."

Unsurprisingly, even when he's offstage, he's still singing. He even likes to call his friends and take song requests. "I like to sing to my friends through the phone," he says. "I'll sing anything they want. I play piano for them, too. They're very open to listening to me." Next to him, Keeho adds, "My friends would not want me to sing to them." (The internet respectfully disagrees.) Meanwhile, Jongseob turns to making music and writing lyrics in his downtime. It's a great way to relieve stress, he says. These days, Intak turns to animated films to ease his mind. He's a fan of Studio Ghibli films, and he really likes the Japanese manga characters Doraemon and Shin Chan.

"I watch a lot of coming-of-age stories about these innocent kids who are in the process of becoming adults," he explains. "I get inspired by watching them. I don't want to lose that innocence, so watching those animations make me feel youthful." It's hard to imagine Intak without his boyish sensibility. It's seeped into every social media post and YouTube vlog (or, #PLOG). Yet, as an artist, as a teenager, it's an unusual phenomenon to be perceived by thousands of fans before having the clarity to perceive yourself. It's something no amount of Miyazaki or training prepares you for.

Initially, Theo had a hard time opening up on camera. The mere thought of it made him nervous, but the more he did it, the easier it was for him to parse his own feelings. "I'm not very good at expressing emotions like thank you and I love you," he says. "But it's a lot easier to express those feelings now because I feel them so sincerely. I can say thank you for loving me [to fans] because I truly mean it."

"There are people from all around the world who leave me messages, and that makes me so happy," Intak says. "It drives me to do more and to give more to them."

And there will be more to give. Disharmony: Stand Out was just the beginning, and Keeho already has some very big goals for 2021. At the top of the list? "Rookie of the Year, come on!" he says spiritedly of the K-pop industry's coveted award. "It's definitely possible. I'm manifesting it right now." He also wants to make more music, maybe release more covers. "We want to come back a lot," he smiles. "I'm thinking [of] at least three releases next year."

Then there are more personal goals, like Jiung's solo travels. "I want to take better care of my mental health," he adds, noting that it starts with a more positive mindset. "I want to be a better person overall." Intak wants to, for the first time in his young life, maintain a consistent routine for a healthier lifestyle. That includes getting enough sleep when there aren't any schedules. ("He could sleep, but he chooses not to," Keeho jokes.) After monitoring his fancams, Theo has decided that he wants to build more muscle. And Soul hopes to go home to Japan to see his dog, a Frenchie named Mochi.

As for Keeho, in true Libra fashion, he wants to maintain a sense of balance: "I want to stay true to myself," he says. "I don't want to be like, oh, the fame is getting to me. I don't want to change. I want to stay grounded and stay thankful and be grateful, always. I also want to make some more money." He laughs, then adds, "I can't lie!"

No, he can't. Honesty is the key to harmony, after all.

#p1harmony #ot6 #t:news #era:disharmony : stand out #210123

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bave-de-crapaud · 4 years

Text

The Darkness Within...

CHAPTER FIVE

(Yearning by crescentcreations.storenvy.com)

Request by: the babe @belladonnarey

A/N: hmmm this one took a while BUT it (hopefully) is the smut you have been waiting for. Let me know what you like about it, what you don’t, what you think will happen. Enjoy and stay safe. Sirius x Reader Older Sirius Sirius Lives/Post Azkaban Smutty McSmut Word count: 5500+ Disclaimer: All characters are assumed 18+ Warnings: Smut!

—-

Finding yourself at Number 12 Grimmauld Place became a regular if normal occurrence over the next few weeks. In your spare time you sat on the floor in Sirius’ library, pouring over dusty volumes containing everything and anything related to wizards and witches with ‘eccentric abilities’ - the technical term to what you had, apparently.

The good thing about this was you weren’t the only one who had surfaced over the years with strange skills, there were wizards who could command water without a wand, witches who with one touch could drain a person of their fears, individuals who could fly sans apparatus and countless others who had fascinating and outrageous traits. The bad thing was none of these wizards were alive today to speak with, the last person with documented abilities had died over 100 years ago. Yet again you felt like you were on this journey on your own.

Sirius and Remus were constantly in and out of the house completing various missions and tasks for the order. Sirius checked on you often, bringing you tea or something to eat but kept himself scarce to let you figure out your mysteries alone. He seemed to understand that this was a private affair for you and you were grateful for the time. However each night around 8pm he would come into the Library, sit on one of the old leather couches and ask you about your day.

You caught snippets of what he and Remus had been up to and learned that one of the missions ended in a grizzly discovery of Macnair’s body - found dead in his home - magic obviously the cause of torture and death.

Voldemort had become less of a focus in your mind and each time you were called to his presence you found it easy to resist his psychological torment. The disgust on your face was not evident when fellow Death Eaters talked about their foul crimes. Being around Sirius was giving you a strength you never knew you had. The way he threw himself into fighting for equality and the right to live no matter what situation or who he had to work with, both humbled and amazed you. If he can put up with more than 12 years of the world thinking he was a betrayer and cold-blooded killer who was associated with Death Eaters and Voldemort, then you could put up with sporadically rubbing shoulders with Malfoy, Lestrange, and their cronies.

Your new attitude didn’t go unnoticed, it was put down to you growing a stronger stomach for violence and generally taken positively amongst the Death Eater ranks. However, Voldemort, though he outwardly showed no signs of displeasure, watched you more and decided to hold whatever he wanted Macnair to deliver to you for later. Like any nefarious leader, he was constantly on the lookout for a rat in his ranks and you were not exempt from this scrutiny.

After every Death Eater meeting, you would return home before heading over to Grimmauld Place, a new sanctuary, to pour over more books and hopefully absorb the good vibes from its admirable inhabitants. This made being with Death Eaters bearable. On the nights of Order meetings, however, you stayed away. Those evenings were becoming Sirius’ least favourite. It made sense to shield you from them for your own and others’ safety. However, that didn’t stop him feeling concerned for you. Reckless and impulsive, he may be, he was also a very intuitive and perceptive man. He hadn’t failed to notice how much you seem to relax in his library. He wanted that for you, relating to that feeling of relief as almost an addictive substance, he knew you needed and craved it and he wanted to give it to you. Badly.

He felt protective and territorial of you. If he really wanted to analyse his feelings he would have noticed that your safety, though paramount, was not the only reason he wanted you to come to his house: the lingering looks as he gave you yet another cup of tea, finding a way to bring you into conversation with Remus, seemingly innocently, was a dead giveaway of deeper feelings. Remus said nothing, prefering to feign ignorance, yet the annoyingly knowing looks he gave Sirius hinted otherwise.

“Just ask her, Padfoot.” Remus sighed exasperatedly, shuffling his paper one day as Sirius kept looking towards the door of his library, knowing you were inside.

“Ask her what?” Sirius tried and failed to nonchalantly reply.

“Out, mate!”

Sirius frowned, placing both hands on the kitchen table as though readying his defense. “For one: what makes you think I want to ask her out? And two: I couldn’t anyway - we are supposed to be on opposing sides remember?”

Remus stared at his friend, conceding defeat but not enough to hold in his last words before disappearing behind the Daily Prophet; “True but if it can be concealed from the Death Eaters that she is at your house every day, then asking her to have dinner with you is not a huge step up I would think.”

There was another reason, Sirius hadn’t tried to gauge your feelings: He didn’t want you to think he was just trying to get a leg over. Your outright statement about his intentions after he first visited your house, had stuck with him. He concluded that you didn’t want him and pursuing you would only harden your view towards him further. So he played it safe, frustrating himself and unknowingly frustrating you in the process.

—

Sirius’ library was vast and carried more volumes on runes than all the franchises of Flourish and Blotts combined. What was interesting was that the interpretation of runes and ancient markings was just as vast and also open into a plethora of interpretation. You had discovered that the rune on your chest - the mirror image of one of Sirius’ tattoos - did indeed mean ‘destruction’ but in a form of new growth. Much like a farmer sowing soil, ridding the earth of old, dead, and rotting plants preparing it for new seeds.

Two runes on your left arm meant ‘Harm To My Enemies’ and another on your thigh could be interpreted as ‘The East Wind’. Other forms of your abilities were harder to quantify as there was no record of someone with all the same traits as you, however, those who had shown up throughout history with varying sources of atypical power were more often than not tyrants and individuals who used their abilities for evil. Stories of wizards who did not feel cold, commanding animals, and manipulating the elements such as fire were largely negative however speckled throughout the research were wizards who were great warriors, shepherds of the people, and in some cases just normal citizens living their lives like everyone else

Though you were slowly and steadily finding out more information about your powers and relished the time you were so easily given you couldn’t help but wish for Sirius’ company more often than an hour or two at night. Luckily for you, that was about to change.

—

“What’s wrong, Y/N?” You were sat on the floor in front of the fireplace staring gloomily at your fifth cup of tea.

You smiled “Sirius I’m so grateful for you letting me stay but I was wondering - do you have anything other than tea?”

He smirked and left the room returning seconds later with a bottle of fire whiskey.

Handing you a large glass he clinked it with his and took his place back on the couch asking you again how was your day. Each night Sirius had helped you with your findings, giving his opinion or helping you to digest what you had read. He was adamant that your powers weren’t evil and that you needed to be confident in your choice to do what was right. He had served to make you feel good about yourself a lot but you wondered if he had the same support from his pairs. Tonight you put aside your research and decided to question him about his life. You had gleaned a bit about him over the last month but he was infinitely fascinating to you and seemed like a well of untapped ideas and beliefs.

He talked about his family, his friends, and the Order. He told you light hearted tales about his Hogwarts days and he talked at length about Harry and how sometimes he was nervous about his parenting role considering Walburga and Orion were such poor examples to go off.

“You know, you are not what I thought.” You said boldly after a moment of silence.

Sirius sat up straighter on the couch and cocked his eyebrow at you. A side smile not quite covering a flicker of worry in his eyes.

“Oh?” Was all he said. “Yeah.” You walked forwards from your current position in front of the mantle place and took a seat beside him.

“You care more about what people think than you let on.”

“Is that so?” He subconsciously moved his body so it was angled towards you.

“Yeah, and you are not as much of a dog around the ladies as I thought you’d be.” Sirius barked out a laugh at this. “Why thank you Y/N, but to be fair you have never seen me around ‘the ladies.’”

“I’ve seen you around me.” You answered bluntly. “You aren’t all over me with cheap pick up lines and cocky bravado.”

Sirius turned his head away and tried to hold in a laugh. Where was this coming from? He wondered.

“Is that how you think I would woo a woman? I’m slightly offended, Y/N.” He didn’t look it. He looked amused and a little interested.

He wasn’t able to tell if you were joking and as you glimmered at him, taking another sip of your drink.

“I don’t sleep around you know. I haven’t done that since I was 20, but unfortunately, that reputation has always preceded me.”

“You probably deserved it!”

He scoffed, turning back to stare at the fire; “Probably, and don’t get me wrong I still like meeting new people but I have long since learned sex is far better with someone you have a connection with.”

“Ok then.” You said brightly, gaining his attention again. “What would you do?”

“What would I do, when?” Sirius narrowed his eyebrows slightly, confused.

“When you want to “woo” a woman.” You signalled quotation marks in the air as you said the word ‘woo’ earning another quick chuckle from him.

Sirius paused, looking at you intently, cogs working fast in his brain. She wants you to woo her? No, she wants you to show her what you would do to woo her. Does that mean she wants me?

As Sirius battled these rapid thoughts, your own inner monologue was pipping up as well: This is a dangerous game, Y/N. You are leading him on and you know it. It’s too dangerous, you can’t do anything with him. Don’t confuse the poor guy…unless you want to be leading him on. Do you?

Shaking your head and forcing yourself to believe this would just be a fun game you crossed your legs leaning closer to Sirius.

He noticed glancing at your legs, smooth skin exposed up to past mid-thigh where your skirt took over covering the rest from there.

He looked back into your eyes and noticed a difference. Your pupils were bigger and there was a faint purple hue in your irises.

Right now, the sexual tension in the room could be cut with a knife. It had been building over the past few weeks. An accidental touch here and there, a smile, or a look that meant everything and nothing at the same time from him would floor you. When he looked over your shoulder to consider whatever book you were showing him, little puffs of his breath in your ear flooded your body with heat making it impossible to concentrate. All these reactions confused you and created a chronic longing feeling in your chest you had not experienced before. It made you feel warm, content, and giddy.

Never having fallen for anyone before, you didn’t recognise the signs, the changes in your body and the effect he had on you mentally and physically. By the time these feelings had reached boiling point he was sitting next to you and your body was doing the thinking for you. God you wanted him to touch you. To an untrained eye Sirius looked so cool and collected, however beneath the surface he was anything but.

Since Remus had confronted him about asking you out, Sirius had thought little else. He was super aware of his body language, how it angled him towards you, begging him to take a step closer even if just to place his hand on your back as he passed. Believing that you didn’t want that from him, he was careful not to brush past you or stand too close and cause you to feel uncomfortable. He constantly watched himself and made sure he didn’t give you the wrong idea. It was hard though. Very hard.

Just yesterday he nearly pinned you against the wall and kissed you. He was walking you out and after a long night of research, you were tired and not watching where you were going. Just as he was saying “watch out for the…” you kicked over that bloody troll leg again. Instead of steading yourself, your first thought was not to wake up Sirius’ Mother’s portrait so you reached back to catch the falling article before its clatter made a sound. Overreaching, you fell backward into something hard and warm: Sirius’ chest. He instantly wrapped his arms around you, holding you tight and upright.

“Are you ok?” he whispered in your ear, his puffs of breath once again making your veins tingle.

You swallowed and exited abruptly leaving Sirius cursing himself for what he thought was his incongruous behaviour. As far as you were concerned, it had been anything but and you were unable to stop thinking of him for the rest of the evening, dreaming of those same arms doing other far more inappropriate things making your sleep wrought with pleasurable shivers and fever. Oh God, was he ever going to come closer?

Until this evening he had been the perfect gentleman, respecting your boundaries and staying just out of reach. Apart from the one incident in the hallway, you hadn’t felt his touch, no matter how innocent, since he had carried you up the stairs to bed and that was having an unacceptable effect on you. It made you lean towards him further, lick your lips whenever he was near, and glance at his body when he wasn’t looking in a completely wanton way. He must notice the heat coming from me? You thought. He seemed so relaxed, not at all perturbed by your presence.

How wrong you were. Inside, Sirius was struggling. He was trying to be a gentleman but it was hard, you were making it hard. Do you actually want him? He was ok with just being in your orbit slowly torturing himself at not touching you, content at just being there but this evening, your flirting coupled with the fire whiskey was not helping, in fact, its lubricating effects ware making resisting anything you said that could be slightly construed as even vague interest, very, very difficult.

Sirius cleared his throat. Not taking his eyes off you. “You want me to show you how I ask a woman out?”

“Yes, show me your moves!”

Sirius smiled but his eyes held a serious, almost pained look. Before you could ask him what was wrong he shuffled in his seat.

“Y/N, I don’t have moves I just sort of feel a situation out, see if she likes me and then go from there.”

“Ok well, show me how you do that. Come on.” You egged him as he gave you a look of doubt. “It’ll be fun.”

It’ll be torture. Sirius thought, but you were looking at him with such a blazing warmth in your eyes, he relented and shifted so he was closer to you.

“Well, if I like her I have usually gotten to know her a little bit, watched the way she moves, adjusted my body language to suit whatever she is comfortable with, and look for signs she is interested in me too.”

He stretched so his right arm was running along the back of the couch, behind you, touching your shoulder ever so lightly. You shivered at the contact.

“Then I guess I would let her take the lead.” His voice had lowered and you noticed he had leaned closer to you. You had also noticed that the outside of his right leg was pressed against your crossed calves and as he leaned to you further you got a whiff of his cologne. The musky, manly scent combined with his closeness dilated your pupils further and sent your mind whirling.

Before you could collect yourself Sirius gave you a slow, mischievous smile, took a sip of his drink and said very quietly; “Your turn.”

“My…w-what?” you uttered, stammering slightly.

“Your turn to show me your moves.”

Fuck you wanted him. Could you? No? Slowly, not realising it you inched closer to him.

You were nervous, Sirius could finally see that. Whatever he was doing had an effect on you. Sirius loved the excitement of turning someone else on, this was him in his element. However, unlike most interactions with the opposite sex, this one was equally thrilling and torturing him. Setting his glass down and gathering a sliver of confidence he tentatively he placed his left hand on your thigh. You sucked in a sharp breath which he mistook for fear immediately whipping his hand away and opening his mouth to apologise only to be interrupted by the words: “Don’t stop.”

He looked back at you, having just enough time to register your meaning before you lunged forward, capturing his lips in yours.

There was a seconds pause then Sirius was returning your kiss with fervor. He wrapped his arms around your back clinging to your shirt before lifting you up and onto his lap, legs either side of his, pressing into him exquisitely.

He tasted like fire whiskey and something sweet at the same time.

He moved his hand through your hair holding your head while the other held your lower back pressing you firmly, further into him. Suddenly the hand holding your head was gone and running up your outer thigh, underneath your skirt.

His warm fingers caressed your upper thigh, moving further to touch the tip of your hip and run tantalizing circles across your backside.

His kisses were feverish and sending you reeling. The way he swept his tongue across your lips opening them and deepening the kiss was tantalizing. Clinging to him, grabbing fistfuls of his hair, you ground down into his crotch and he groaned, opening his eyes. They were heavy with desire.

Sirius squeezed your bum picking you up and laying you back down on the couch. He didn’t remove his lips from yours as he wrapped your legs around his waist and lowered his body onto yours.

You arched up into him and he was immediately transported to the first dream he had of you, lying naked on his bed. He let out a shuddered breath; “You are so beautiful, Y/N. I want you.”

Instead of being flattered by this, a voice popped up in the back of your mind; Did he though? Shaken by this sudden thought, then jumping slightly at the bang of the front door signifying the probable return home of Remus served to knock you back into reality. The situation suddenly became very clear to you. You had just thrown yourself at a man who was known for sleeping with multiple women, very easily it seemed if you were to believe what he said before - he didn’t have to do anything and they offered themselves to him.

Of course he wanted you - you had led him on with your ‘game’ basically given yourself up to him on a platter. This wasn’t real, it was convenient and you could seriously hurt him if you let him in further.

Seeing the change in your face, Sirius sat up, “Y/N, are you ok? Was this too fast?.”

“Sirius..I” you were so embarrassed. Sitting up, quickly removing your legs from around him.

“I’m sorry I shouldn’t have.” He could see the blush rising up around your cheeks and you couldn’t look at him.

“Shouldn’t have? What do you mean - I think this was on both of us. Don’t you?”

“I mean.” You screwed your eyes shut, breathing deeply, “I didn’t mean to give you the wrong idea…I… I don’t do one nightstands.”

“One nightstands?” he was frowning at you, confused, his mind racing. Didn’t she hear me before?

Seeing him frown and mistaking it for annoyance rather than confusion you stood up and started to back towards the door. “I should go, I’m so sorry for coming on to you.”

“Y/N! Wait!” But before he could take two steps towards you, you had turned on your heel and raced out the door.

“Y/N!” Sirius was still calling your name as you shot out the front door, turning on the spot to disapparate.

—

“Argh, Y/N how could you be so stupid!” You cursed yourself as you walked around your kitchen.

That had been the hottest, most erotic thing that had happened to you and you choked, freaked out, and left.

You wanted Sirius it was true but you couldn’t quite believe someone like him could want you for anything more than a one time fling. No one else had wanted more so what made him any different?

Plus even if he did there was a real chance you could lose it and hurt him. The feelings he elicited from you were unreal and you had never felt that alive and heated before. It both thrilled and frightened you to your bones.

Though the research you conducted in his library had opened up ideas that you hadn’t had before - you were still afraid. Sirius had quickly and unquestionably become your favourite person and you didn’t think your poor heart could take having him in the most intimate way and then not having him again. So you had done the most adult thing you could think of: insulted his intentions and run away. “Brilliant!” You spat.

Back at Geimmauld Place, Sirius was pacing up and down the hall. “YOU IDIOT!” He yelled at himself waking up his mother. “Oh shut the fuck up you old hag!” Storming out of the house, and out into the night air helped calm him and give him clarity. He disapparated instantly.

Lifting your head from your hands you got up from the kitchen table as you heard a soft knock at your front door.

Sirius stood at your door with a dark, devastating look.

“Sirius I…” you began.

“I want you more than just for tonight.” He blurted out. “I have for a long time”

“What if I hurt you?”

He walked in, eyes dark and grabbed you, “You won’t.”

He let you go and stood before you, waiting. He wanted you to be sure of him and sure of yourself. His broad shoulders quivered under your stare, not with fear but ready to do anything you desired. Sirius was a handsome man, sure, but standing before you laying his cards on the line, his need for you so obvious and open made him the most beautiful thing you had ever seen. He was not afraid of anything. His confidence fanned yours and you ignored the fear building in your stomach and stepped into him.

Attaching himself to your lips once more he didn’t look as he closed the front door and led you towards your staircase.

Laying you down on your bed once again he hovered above you, one muscled arm on either side of your head. This view of you sprawled out underneath him jogged his memory and as he recalled first dream about you again. He closed his eyes and shuddered.

“What’s wrong Sirius?”

Your concern was squashed by a sly smile. He opened his eyes and said with a smirk: “I’ve dreamt about this before”

“Is that so?”

“Yes” he looked at you intently.

“What did dream me do?”

You couldn’t quite hold your smug smile while Sirius bit his lip and told you.

Wrapping your legs around him once more, you pulled him down on top of you. Hands running down his sides as you kissed him, you felt his muscles tense at each spot you touched. Whatever you were doing to him, he enjoyed it.

Taking great effort to wrench his lips from yours Sirius looked at you once more and asked: “Y/N, would you like to go to dinner with me sometime?”

Looking surprised, you nodded. He smiled. “I meant what I said. This isn’t just a once off. Not for me.”

“I know.” You conceded. “I also just didn’t want my first time to be meaningless.” “Your first time?” Sirius looked shocked. “You mean you’ve never…?”

You shook your head, grimacing slightly hoping this didn’t change anything.

“Oh Y/N, are you sure?” Sirius was surprised and, if possible, turned on even more. There was something so special about sharing someone’s first experience. Meaning something so much to them that they wanted to be with you. He felt sexy, powerful, and potent which combined with how long he had lusted over you and the way you moved, made it incredibly hard for him to focus.

“Yes Sirius.” The brazen look in your eyes and the way you ran your hands in sweeping strokes around his body told him that though you may not have had sex you had had other intimate experiences and you knew what you wanted.

He shuddered once more, closing his eyes as you arched up into him again.

“Y/N.” His voice came out in a rasp. “God, you are turning me on… I want you so badly but if this is not right for you please tell me and we’ll stop.”

You surprised him by laughing softly. “You’re sort of killing the mood, Sirius. I want this, I want you - you know you are not the only one who has touched themselves dreaming about us.”

Suddenly, with a twirl of your fingers, soft, malleable ropes appeared at your wrists. Gently lifting your arms up and firmly tying your hands to your bedpost.

Sirius’ jaw dropped and he almost started drooling. The look on his face, one of absolute adoration, spurred you on further. Another flick of your wrist and your clothes slowly started peeling themselves off your body, ripping in parts to remove themselves from you until you were lying naked, stretched underneath him, replicating that particular dream perfectly.

As you looked up at him through relaxed eyelids and purred; “I want you to touch me, Sirius.” He nearly came undone.

Though he was only wearing his jeans and a shirt he couldn’t get naked fast enough.

Sirius laid his body against yours, groaning at the feel of your soft skin. He kissed you deeply, letting one arm hold himself while the other dipped low, wandering further until it came torturously close to your clit before moving passed and circling your inner thigh.

You groaned with frustration and he smiled into your lips as he kissed you, tongue sweeping inside your mouth lighting sparks inside your head.

Each time he neared closer to your core, your breath hitched, waiting, only to be expelled in frustration as he moved passed and to another area.

He explored your mouth, your neck, your collar bone, and your nipples with his mouth, all the while coming close to touching you where you needed but not getting close enough.

Finally, he swept his finger up the line of your folds and flicked your clit. A move that literally took your breath away and his. He could feel how wet you were and it made his cock twitch with excitement. “Oh, Y/N.”

His teasing had become torturous for him as well. If he wasn’t careful, your body was going to turn him on so much that he might come on you rather than inside you like he desperately wanted.

He moved down to flick your nipple with his tongue then continued further south until his head was level with your core. A brush of stubble on your inner thigh had you jolting. He kissed the spot, sparking your lust even more. Not able to take any more teasing, “please Sirius” you begged. The desperate timbre of your voice made him feel incredibly desired.

He gently made taught the skin above your clit tilting it upwards and licking it, so lightly but giving you the feeling of being shocked with the most incredible surge of power. A whimper and a groan encouraged him to carry on and soon he was holding your bucking hips down as he continued to rapidly lick, and flick the sensitive bead. You could feel a sudden blooming inside you, growing outwards, and upwards lighting even your soul on fire. Suddenly afraid your weird powers might cause you to lash out and hurt him you made to move away but he held you down and stopped his tongue briefly enough to growl, “you won’t, just let go.”

He shifted his free hand under your bum and squeezed as he buried his face once more in your core. There it was again, that sweet hot feeling running through your bones. A warm glow washed over you and into him - consuming him filling him with love. You could feel his devotion to you, how turned on he was, how much he longed for you. This had never happened previously and before you could process it the orgasm he gave you lifted you off the bed causing you to cry out his name over and over. He did not relent, it was exquisite ecstasy.

“Oh God, oh God…” you breathed, hyperventilating from how good he had made you feel. Sirius was smiling, he had made his way back up the bed and was lying next to you, stroking your side.

You wrenched your arms out of the ropes and launched at him, taking him off guard and kissing him deeply, pushing yourself on top of him until you were straddling his lap just like you had only moments ago in his library.

Sirius’ cocky smile turned into an ‘oh’ as his mouth opened while you grabbed his erection and placed it at your entrance. Wetting the tip from your already dripping core you slowly began to slide down.

Sirius, groaned, bit his lip and grasped your hips. He was utterly and irrevocably under your spell.

Feeling a stretch, painful at first, you continued to slide down until a snapping feeling followed by a slight relief brought you to the bottom of his shaft.

Taking your breath you slowly started to move up and down his cock, squeezing intermittently and kissing him sporadically.

The frenzy he had whipped you into before had served to lubricate your entrance so though there was some pain at first, it soon gave way to a delightfully filling feeling.

“Ohhh Y/N” Sirius groaned as your inner walls stroked his shaft. You were tight, as he expected but your smooth movements and rocking of your hips blew him away. If this was you at your first time then he was in for a real treat when you had more experience under your belt. Thoughts of you experimenting with others flashed across his mind and he growled. Territorial hormones took him over as he squeezed your hips hard lifting his own up into you, hitting a spot inside you that caused you to moan.

Sirius noticed this and increased the snapping of his hips. Continuous thrusts meeting each other coupled with your already sensitive clit rubbing against the rough hair on his pelvis was causing an orgasm to build again. Surely not? Not at your first instance of sex, you thought?

A delightful wave tickled your walls and you shivered. “Sirius, I’m going to come. Don’t stop.”

He didn’t, reaching down between you he rubbed your clit once more to bring your orgasm about faster. Feeling your walls clamp down around him his thrusts became sloppier and as you came, unraveling on top of him he found his release crying your name and squeezing your hips painfully.

You fell forward on top of him and he instantly wrapped his arms around you rolling you to the side, still inside of you showing no signs he wanted to get up.

Laying there entwined with him, you felt the content warm feeling ripple through you again. You had let go and not lost control! If you could do this then you could do anything. No more holding back. In one act of love Sirius had helped you break the shackles of fear and find relief from a lifetime of pressure and concern. You felt light and confident. Chuckling to yourself he looked at you cocking an eyebrow in question.

“Well Sirius, those were some good moves!”

There was a beat and then you both laughed.

—- Tag list: @sirius-lysad @riddikuluslypotter @emmamass24 @evyiione @mylovelykelsifer @sly-vixen-up2nogood @ashkuuuu @songforhema @wangmangagavroche @borbole-teias @legalyred @qwertyokok

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126 notes · View notes

uwua3 · 4 years

Text

are you in love?

🌻🎨 miyoshi kazunari

summary: it’s selfish, he knows that, but kazunari doesn’t know who he is out of love

warnings: heartbreak, desparation, self–hatred, mental illness (depression), fear, toxic relationships, alcohol

author’s note: this is extremely personal(?) and i knew i had to write about it or else the concept would eat away at me until i did TT i couldn’t write about anything else so this stayed. it’s shorter than what i usually write, so i apologize! this is not kazunari x reader, this is more so a personal piece on kazu’s loveless life and how it plays into his mental heath

i chose kazunari for this because of his one true purpose of being a people–pleaser. i relate to kazunari in the sense he doesn’t feel valid unless he’s loved and needed by friends, so this is my interpretation of his perception on love. please know, i love you so much. you are loved by this author and you are valued, noticed, and seen. i love you, please do not feel alone, i believe in you! i am here for you anytime, my messages are always open ♡

word count: 1,347

music: still with you – bts (jungkook)

Are you in love?

Always, Kazunari would respond. There was never a moment where his heart wasn’t tattooed with another unworthy name, the letters inked with the flower petals he’d grow in his lungs, hopelessly pining after someone he knew would never be with him. Kazunari fell in love with those he knew were unattainable in a way he couldn’t help but long for. They would never love him back in this lifetime, he knew that, but he couldn’t help it! He was in love, wasn’t that enough?

Kazunari had his heart on his sleeve for anyone to take and break anytime they pleased. All it took was a single compliment, maybe a meaningless romantic gesture as well, and Kazunari was yours. A smile for him made his heart flutter. His heart’s angel wings beat against his ribcage and feathers fell to the ground. A lingering hug made the butterflies crash around his caged stomach. His energy felt like a sugar rush from how sweet love was. A text, a conversation, a casual meet up, a stare, anything was capable of having Kazunari daydream about you for weeks on end. His potential soulmate, someone he was fated to love!

Everyone had a soulmate, Kazunari believed wholeheartedly. To think that a person was born into this world with a red string looped around their future’s pinky. Or whenever you walked past them for the first time, a bell rung inside each of your heads and caused you to look back. Kazunari believed in almost every soulmate myth, brushing his hands over his features after learning his face was supposed to resemble the person he loved the most in his last lifetime. He loved himself in that moment, but it’s one of the few he doesn’t particularly care for.

Kazunari also liked dotting his i’s with minature hearts, practiced cursive just like all those romance classics advised him to. Signed every single letter of his with the complimentary closing, “Love, Kazunari”, knowing he meant it every single time. Kissed each envelope even if he wasn’t wearing bright red lipstick just to imagine their fingers passing over the faint shape of his lips. It was the feeling of knowing he was in love and his purpose was to love endlessly, it was the role he was born to play.

This meant Kazunari was in love with everyone. Anyone could steal his heart and sign their name like it was a yearbook, anyone could occupy his mind all the time and make him fantasize about a wonderful future together. It was all he knew; Kazunari only knew how to love, love, love. He was born to love as much as possible, that was his purpose.

It was the feeling—the feeling that he was meant for something. That Kazunari was born to love, to be made of love, to give love and never receive. Kazunari had never been out of love, he was constantly hitting himself with cupid’s arrow and gaining another forced scar in the process. To write all those heartfelt foolish love letters no one read, to create the most perfect playlist curated with songs that represented who they were at their best, to doodle their name with hearts all around it with a lovesick smile, wasn’t that love?

Why wasn’t it enough?

Why didn’t anyone love him back? Where was his soulmate? Was he really, unlovable? Kazunari always had lovey dovey smile on his face, the split image of another Valentine’s Day. Did they not like the romance that came with him saying “I love you” too soon? What was wrong with wanting to fake date just for a little bit; nothing could go wrong from that! Why did platonically holding hands and random, intimate skin contact suddenly become inappropiate and “too much”? Kazunari did everything right to be the best boyfriend possible, the type you’d post on social media about how he would do anything for you. But, when it came down to it, maybe it was him. Maybe, he was the problem.

Could no one ever truly love him? Did he not have a soulmate, was he destined to be loveless? Kazunari was in love with everybody but himself, and that was his crucial downfall. He’d let anyone who pretended to be nice to him do anything they wanted, use him senseless until he was nothing but a shell. He would gladly hurt himself in the process as long as you knew he loved you with his whole heart, everything he did came from his need to love. It all connected to love, it was the root of all his problems, having such a big heart that had enough space to take anyone in.

Relationships were everything to him, Kazunari couldn’t stay single for long before someone took advantage of his relentless charm and obvious desperation. Although they never lasted long or sometimes never even happened after being led on, Kazunari documented each one in his diary every night. Most times, he would gush about how romantic the date was and his feelings of being a lovesick puppy. Other times, he’d find his words smudged with the uncontrollable sobs he’d try to hold in as he struggled to write prettily on the creased paper. Kazunari would deny that he’s never had a happy, healthy relationship in his life, but it was the truth he couldn’t see with his rose vision.

After all, all red flags look like regular flags when you’re wearing pink heart–shaped rose–tinted glasses!

Kazunari closed the door behind him softly, hitting his head against the surface with a thud as he slid down, landing on the ground with a tired sigh. Another unfortunately unsuccessful break–up; at least it was in person this time, and not over DMs like always. His pink blazer and heart–printed vest suddenly felt extremely tight, as he ran his hand through his hair only to knock over the heart–shaped sunglasses upon his head.

The room was dark, it was late, he supposed. He couldn’t remember who he kissed that night after relying on alcohol to make him feel alive, he barely registered their invasive grip on him or the empty promises and manipulative lies. At least he had enough sense in him to go home, to avoid anything that would make the wound of his last love even worse. Kazunari blinked away the tears as he pulled out his phone, scrolling through previous texts with a sad smile. All he could see were stickers he spammed, and their one–word responses if he was lucky.

Of course it was him who did everything, again. Kazunari pushed himself up, wobbling on his feet as he unsteadily made way to his desk. His clumsy hands tipped over cups of art supplies, cursing underneath his breath as his blurry vision tried to find what he was looking for. Got it! Kazunari scraped his chair against the floor as he fell onto his seat loudly, pulling his lamp string to cast a yellow haze over the diary. Another one for the records, Kazunari hurriedly spilled his heart onto the pages as he relived his most recent break–up.

It wouldn’t be long before he found himself on those dating apps again, flirting away effortlessly and becoming the ideal type he knew the other person was attracted to. He’d take selfies that made him look perfect, filter and FaceTune alike. Updated his socials with a “new me!” attitude to gain more attention. Someone would catch his heart again and Kazunari would crush over them with every heart emoji ever. It was a habit he couldn’t handle anymore, it was out of his control.

It sounded wrong, Kazunari knew that, but he didn’t feel real if he wasn’t in love. Kazunari didn’t know who he was outside of the love he had for others, and as he swiped right for anyone, he didn’t want to find out.

Are you in love?

Kazunari caught himself in the mirror the next day, staring at his blank reflection as he looked away witn an indescribable expression.

Yes, just not with himself.

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empmoniitor · 3 years

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INTERCULTURAL COMMUNICATION: WHAT ARE THE BARRIERS AND 09 WAYS TO IMPROVE IT

The Quarantaniversary is here- it’s almost a year since the COVID-19 pandemic dawned upon us all. And we all witnessed a TREMENDOUS change in our workplaces.

Nevertheless, remote work surprisingly assisted globalization, and companies are hiring more people from abroad than ever. With people ready to telecommute, workplaces are getting more diverse. Sure, this scenario isn’t going to last same forever- but we can already witness a lot of challenges that follow remote work- intercultural communication being one of them.

It is no secret why communication tops the list of priorities that a company needs to inculcate among its employees. Intercultural communication makes it trickier to accomplish, especially with people literally working miles apart.

Many organizations are opening their gates soon, and the cultural differences may intensify if you don’t start working on it now. Do you wonder if your employees are happily interacting despite these differences?

In this blog, we will discuss how to-

1. Assess your staff’s intercultural communication skills;

2. Identify the hindrances;

3. And rectify them for good.

BONUS- READ, HOW TO CREATE AND DEFINE A WORK FROM HOME POLICY FOR YOUR COMPANY

WHY IS INTERCULTURAL COMMUNICATION IMPORTANT?

Differences in culture are inevitable, and it takes a lot for people to bridge the gap. Lack of management in intercultural communication paves the way for misunderstandings and a feeling of being left out.

I’ll explain my point by citing an example. The west urges its people to leave their parents’ home and start a family at a very young age, while the east encourages a culture of living with parents and grandparents. It is one of the very few differences that you will find even when working with employees belonging to different cities in your own country.

A workplace that understands the diversity in traditions, customs, and cultures make its staff feel welcomed. It leads to better team communication, which ultimately develops a healthier and dynamic work environment. To be successful in any sector, organizations must understand and meet the communication patterns of their clients, employees, investors, and other associated people.

HINDRANCES IN INTERCULTURAL COMMUNICATION

KNOW WHAT YOUR TEAM LACKS

Now that you understand the why, let’s get into the what part.

There are four broad cultural differences that you’ll spot among people around you. Your employees are no exception. Improve your intercultural communication by identifying their weak points. Look for the ones that they lack so that you can rectify them ASAP. After all, acceptance is the first step to betterment!

Here are the key cultural aspects that your staff may lack:

1. EDUCATIONAL

School is the second home of a child, and it plays a vital role in shaping our thoughts, mannerisms, and problem-solving skills. Our background depends on our school, teachers, locations, and the associated national and district laws.

Companies hire people for different positions based on their qualifications. When they work together on a project, they implement varied methods based on their backgrounds to tackle the same set of problems. The results can either be pretty cool or a disastrous mess.

2. RELIGIOUS

An employee’s religious and spiritual affirmations have a significant impact on their priorities and behavior. Religious and spiritual beliefs have the power to impact a person’s perception, analytical abilities, and decision-making skills. As a result, they may even have a difference in ethical behavior.

Everyone has a right to express their religion. There could be a possibility of differences in opinions at the workplace and cold wars. Beware!

3. ETHNIC

Ethnicity is different from race. It is not biological and depends on a person’s learned behaviors due to their culture, nationality, religion, ancestry, heritage, and linguistic backgrounds. Jewish, Tamil, Pashtun, Cambodian, Sindhi, etc., are a few examples of ethnicity.

Naturally, separate ethnicities have a different train of thought and exposure. For instance, people who grow up in a spiritual and sacrificing environment avoid conflicts at all costs. Others may be direct in communication.

4. RACIAL

The race is a biologically defined term. Black, White, Asian are a few examples, for instance. Races have NOTHING to do with the person’s ethics and working skills. But they do have an impact on their accent, day-to-day behavior, and stuff like that.

While racial diversity is no big deal in the modern workplace, racist slurs, biased behavior, and mixed perceptions are still prevalent. Strong intercultural communication intertwines people and prevents this from happening.

BTW, HERE ARE 07 MOST IMPORTANT MANAGEMENT SKILLS & HOW TO DEVELOP THEM

5. GEOGRAPHICAL

The location you grow up in defines the environment you are exposed to- leading to developing varied dressing, speaking, eating, and living habits. Working with people from different geographical upbringing may sound cool and all, but it is actually the primary cause of stereotypes.

People who dwell from the same place tend to bond faster. And while that’s no big of a deal, it may lead to groupism and people feeling alienated.

6. LINGUISTIC

Some countries have an official language for their state, while some don’t. It is plausible due to the languages spoken by the natives. While English is the most acceptable among them all, people also come with different accents.

Long story short, language remains a barrier in any workplace that doesn’t stick to hiring only the locals. Paving the way for a friendly yet strong intercultural communication promotes bonding among all and keeps conflicts at bay.

7. GENERATIONAL

The generation you are born in has a darn tootin’ impact on your ideas on professionalism, ethical behavior, collaboration, creativity, and overall communication. Gen Z, for instance, prioritizes career and stability, while Boomers have a softer spot for their home and family.

Different generations are going to look at stuff with different glasses. A GenXer’s creativity and Baby Boomer’s experience may yield the best results. But it requires constant understanding, respect, and fair inclusion of all.

8. SOCIO-ECONOMIC

A person’s income and socio-economic status (SES) speak a lot about the privileges, opportunities, and resources that they usually get. Contrary to popular belief, SES has a major impact on our behavior and analytical skills.

SES contributes to an employee’s functioning, mental & physical health, stress level, and morals. If left to perish, it leads to judgments, biases, and information silos.

IMPROVING INTERCULTURAL COMMUNICATION AT WORKPLACE

There are cultures within cultures, and communication is the only path to collaboration. There’s nothing worse than a lack of understanding among people due to their misaligned assumptions and cognitive biases.

The strategies listed below are vital to creating cross-cultural harmony. However, I have witnessed points 4, 5, 7, and 9 making the maximum impact on intercultural communication:

1. AVOID USING SLANG

The non-natives of your place may understand what you say but may not understand the exact idea and context behind it. Slang, phrases, and idioms are cool, but why not keep it simple? Even the natives may get confused if your language gets too complicated.

Everyone has an interpretation of their own. And it is natural to read between the lines when things are not clear. An inaccurate interpretation, in such cases, will end up confusing or may even offend your staff. Play safe ALWAYS.

2. HANDLE HUMOUR WITH CARE

Cracking jokes is no big deal, and you don’t always have to be a grumpy boss. But remember, not everyone understands humour. So if you decide to go for it, make sure everyone understands it clearly. Cultural appropriation is a prerequisite, and you cannot compromise it for a few fake laughs. Go for neutral jokes that seem appreciated and accepted in all cultures. (for instance, a knock-knock joke)

HRs and management need to understand how culturally leaned behavior affects communication. Fixing it reduces intercultural communication conflicts to a humongous extent.

3. ORGANIZE GAMES & ACTIVITIES

Collaboration is the key to better communication. And what’s a better way to collaborate than to organize non-work-related activities. When people talk about stuff other than work, they feel more connected and start opening up despite their differences.

As a matter of fact, people with a different culture are more interested in a place’s native culture. Games and activities are a perfect way to cheer things up when trying to improve intercultural communication.

4. HOLD DISCUSSIONS & DEBATES

Debates might be the last thing you’d want in your organization, but hear me out- when you encourage people to present their conflicting thoughts professionally, they learn how to be opinionated and yet hold back the offense. Debates are healthy, and they bring sportsmanship among the peers.

Group discussions are also an excellent way of teaching the employees how and why it is crucial to keep things clear and simple in a conversation. Intercultural communication can only strengthen when people polish their verbal as well as listening skills.

5. SPEAK SLOWLY

An intercultural workplace would definitely have employees with varied accents and familiarity with the language. When you speak at your usual pace, you become vulnerable to miscommunication, misinterpretation, and misunderstandings.

Modulating the speed will ensure that your words are loud and clear. But make sure you’re not too slow, or else people would drift off while listening, let alone improve the overall communication. And that’s a bummer!

ALSO READ, HOW TO TURN THE VIRTUAL WORKFORCE INTO REALITY?

6. KEEP NON-VERBAL MISINTERPRETATIONS IN MIND

Your body language is always a part of communication. And it doesn’t matter what your words say- your tone and posture add meaning to it. Focus on keeping your facial expressions and body language very neutral. You don’t always have to smile, but maybe stop crossing your arms and looking at your phone.

Sometimes the non-verbal misinterpretations are not very obvious, and you have to dig a bit deeper. For instance, the Japanese find it rude when someone points a chopstick at them while eating.

7. WORK ON COGNITIVE BIASES

Everyone is biased- that’s natural. But it’s very unethical to let the biases interfere with our decision-making processes at work. It doesn’t matter how you feel about stuff- you have to take a rational and practical approach to get an unbiased and appropriate solution.

Your cognitive bias stems from a lot of reasons and has a direct impact on your conversations. If not taken care of, it may make things bitter between people with a difference in opinion.

8. NEVER FRAME CLOSED QUESTIONS

Avoid direct questions that need an answer in yes or no. Some people find it rude to answer such questions without an explanation. They might as well go with a yes instead of saying no to someone’s face. It might sound a little absurd, but such behavior is also an influence of their background.

Open-ended questions that require a plausible explanation are better in such cases. As a bonus, you always get to understand the thinking process of your team. And you can always assign the right tasks to the right person in the future.

9. ENCOURAGE ACTIVE LISTENING

Out of the two fundamental parts of communication, people tend to only work on their speaking skills. Well, we all know that won’t work. After all, who likes sharing their thoughts with someone who won’t let them finish their sentences? To ensure a healthy and happening relationship among all, you have to make sure that people like each other’s company.

Intercultural communication is a responsibility. Encourage people to come up with doubts, suggestions, and queries. It helps break the information silos, and nothing gets missed or misunderstood.

READ MORE FROM OUR BLOGS,

WRAPPING IT UP!!

Cultural differences are bound to occur in any workplace. The key is to accept and understand them. Intercultural communication can yield creative results when utilized the right way. Try to make the best out of your intercultural work environment and never let your productivity go down.

Is there anything that I missed? Would you like to drop a suggestion/query? Let me know in the comments below. I would love to hear from you.

ANNYEONG!!

Originally Published On: EmpMonitor

#Employee Monitoring #Employee Management #Employee Productivity #Employee Monitoring Software #Intercultural Communication

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silver-wield · 4 years

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Hey so I was wondering if you did/could do an analysis on clouds various panic attacks ptsd episodes and how he responds to each one I’m interested to read your thoughts on each one since you usually bring a new perspective to the table for me so thanks for that!

All of Cloud's ptsd attacks? Damn, that's a lot of searching I've got to do. I might not find them all. I'll do my best but you'll have to let me off if I miss a couple lol

Ok, spoiler warning for ppl who haven’t played – do I still need to do this? Eh ok, (I tag FF7R spoilers as final fantasy 7 remake spoilers) and it’s gonna be long.

Also, this is one person’s interpretation of the scene, so if you disagree that’s cool and we’ll agree to disagree.

You’re also gonna have to excuse the janky quality on some of the screens, I’m grabbing them from Youtube and it’s frustrating af trying to get the exact moment I want.

Please check my master post to see if I've already covered your question, thanx

Recap time!

I explain Cloud's entire backstory which covers his PTSD and other issues here, so that should do for a recap right?

A further thing to note is that PTSD affects people differently and in Cloud's case it manifests as a psychological taunt in the form of Sephiroth. Embodiying his sense of failure, lack of self-esteem and self-actualisation, this version of Sephiroth is the one that Cloud reacts to the most strongly. This is the one that makes him whimper with fear and react on instinct instead of observing the situation and attacking. This is the one he fears, and it's a part of himself wearing a monster's face. Why Sephiroth? Who else has done him more harm? Sephiroth killed his mother, Tifa (so he assumes), burned his hometown to the ground and was indirectly responsible for his best friend's death, too.

And Cloud couldn't do a thing about it. He is the manifestation of everything that Cloud hates and fears about himself. Because of this, he's dissociated from much of his feelings. He still feels, but at a lesser degree than he should were he fully in touch with his real self.

Moseying on.

The first PTSD induced attack isn't actually prompted by Sephiroth himself, although he does feature in it. Cloud's first attack happens when he sees the destruction of sector 8 and buildings burning. This gives him the association of the last time he saw a burning building, which happened when his village burned. The sensory input of sights, sounds and smells prompted the memory, which combined with the high stress situation and Cloud's own latent anxiety and guilt for his part in this chaos.

You see a close up of Cloud's eye as it widens and real!Cloud's memory pushes to the forefront of his mind – remember, these memories are things SOLDIER!Cloud can't access at will, which is why they cause him pain when it happens.

Theres a static noise in the background, which is meant to convey a type of ringing in Cloud's ears and then the building's facade morphs to that of his house with the fence around it.

While much of what Sephiroth says is in line with this being a separate being from Cloud and not merely his own subconscious taunting him, there are elements of it being a combination of both. This is in line with the OG where Sephiroth was able to get in Cloud's head and make him doubt his own sense of self. With what we know of how Jenova's cells manipulate Cloud, it's believable that Sephiroth is both a separate being manipulating Cloud to his own ends and partly an aspect of Cloud's psyche that exists to push blame on him for everything. It's the representation of his mental illness that he struggles to fight.

Obviously, there's no fire, so Cloud sweating and breathless is because they're physical symptoms of his PTSD induced trauma.

Sephiroth's taunting lines about how he killed Cloud's mother are overkill when you consider the real Sephiroth's personality. The combination of the overarching Sephiroth and Cloud's PTSD version make a powerful foe that he never really beats. This is a metaphor for the fact those with mental illness are never really free. It's a lifetime battle and even if they're in recovery, that demon is just waiting for one weak moment when they can get them back in their grip.

You can hear Cloud gasp in this scene as once again Sephiroth appears to taunt him. He's not fully recovered from the last attack and now there's another right on top of it. Sephiroth appearing is once again partly Cloud's own trauma and partly the Jenova cells in him warping his perception and allowing Sephiroth to mess with him.

Unlike the time before, this Sephiroth vision is a simple taunt that Cloud is too weak to save anyone. This is his guilt and self-loathing talking about how he couldn't save his mom, Tifa or his town. It could also be hinting that he couldn't save Zack either.

The hidden implication of this scene is the fact that Sephiroth puts his hand on Aerith's shoulder. This is the only time Sephiroth touches anyone besides Cloud.

The next time Cloud has an attack is during the reactor 5 mission. This happens because of Tifa's presence drawing out the painful memory of the Nibelheim reactor where he believed she died after facing down Sephiroth.

Even in the midst of his PTSD attack he looks to Tifa. She doesn't know what's happening with him and he backs away from taking a chance to confide in her, but even during this moment when he's showing weakness he has very good eye contact with her. He's looking her directly in the eye, which he wouldn't do if he wasn't comfortable with her. This shows that Cloud sees her as a source of comfort and support.

You can see the lingering doubt on his face here after he dismisses the attack. He's not aware of what the memory means because he's not in touch with the full story – that belongs to real!Cloud kept hidden away. He knows it's left him unsettled and feeling like a failure. This is one of the few times I've seen that Cloud doesn't dismiss out of hand the content of the attacks.

Tifa repeats a phrase she said back then and Cloud's sense of failure surfaces, causing him pain and to freeze up. We get a voice over from real!Cloud referring to the time he believes he let Tifa down. Before the SOLDIER persona can get too deep into it or question what he means, Barret yells for him to focus. Cloud shakes off the paralysing feelings, but that doesn't stop Tifa asking it he's ok, which he dismisses again. This is typical of truama survivors pushing their feelings down and attempting to function without ever truly dealing with the source of their pain.

This next flash is prompted by the events during chapter 8 where the children get into trouble and Cloud has to rescue them. It echoes a similar even in his past where Tifa climbed Mt Nibel and fell, despite his best efforts to save her. She spent a week in a coma and Cloud was blamed for the incident and told to stay away from her.

The past emotions of guilt and failure mingle with the present situation to prompt a flash of pain as the memory of Tifa surfaces. It's his feelings of guilt and having failed her that cause the pain, not Tifa herself because when he says to Aerith he doesn't know how to explain he turns to the spot where he saw the vision of Tifa and smiles wistfully. This means Tifa herself doesn't cause him pain. The feelings he has about himself, do.

Chapter 13 and omg I love this freak out! I'm sorry, but this is such a great moment for Cloud and really highlights how low he is at this point. This shows the depth that we miss from him always having his SOLDIER persona taking charge. He's just lived through a tragedy. He's seen the girl he likes in pieces and trying to hold it together. He wants to comfort her. He wants to be himself, but he can't because he's just not good enough. He's feeling like a failure in more ways than one. He lost people too, goddamnit!

Then, in a misguided attempt to distract Tifa from her pain, he stumbles right into a trigger point for his own trauma. Of course he wouldn't know this. It's one of those flashes of Sephiroth ranting about his role and Jenova and shit. (I might have mistakenly said this was a future-flash somewhere, but then I remembered he does this rant right before he kills everyone in Nibelheim).

There's very little blocking to the memory. This is pretty well sealed by real!Cloud compared to his other memories. Even painful ones of Tifa have more context than this. This is something that is so damaging to Cloud's psyche that he can't even fill in the space around it.

So, we get the same kind of staticky noise we heard in chapter 2 when the vision of Sephiroth showed. Cloud gasps pretty loud here tbf. He's unguarded because of the vision and possibly his own distraction about what he's just been through. He wasn't prepared to see Sephiroth here even more than he was back in chapter 2 when he had a full on panic attack.

I mean, his pupils are seriously dilated here. Boi is scared.

Cloud's whimpering and my heart breaks for him. Sephiroth is hitting all his weakest points by bringing up failure and mentioning it's not the first time that's happened. Cloud's at a low point already, so it's not unexpected he backs away from this rather than tries to fight. This isn't SOLDIER!Cloud. This is real!Cloud. The fear has driven real!Cloud to the surface and he wants to run away, just like Sephiroth taunted back in chapter 2.

“Through suffering you will grow strong. Isn't that what you want?”

Clearly not by the look on Cloud's face. The part of him that's real!Cloud within this moment looks like he wants to scream that he's had enough of being in pain. He wants to shake his head and deny that he deserves it. What did he ever do wrong?

I feel like this is more of Cloud's own subconscious taunting him and implying that he deserves everything bad that happens to him, rather than it being the external Sephiroth manipulating Jenova's cells. He's saying Cloud secretly wants to suffer because that's all he should ever get in life. He thinks if he suffers enough pain that he'll be stronger for it, instead of the broken person that he really is. This is the type of thing people who’ve lived through trauma deal with every single day. It’s a never ending barrage of not feeling good enough and worrying that your entire existence is a bother to society. Not even just those close to you, you are a blight on the world. That Cloud’s internal trauma is so deeply rooted in this figure of Sephiroth narrows his focus and makes him project all of his fears onto him. It’s no wonder he freezes.

Now, not strictly a PTSD glitch, but it does provoke a very strong reaction from Cloud, and definitely plays into his fears, so I'm gonna include this one on the proviso it's more fear motivated.

This is the moment he sees Tifa stabbed during the VR cut scene. Sephiroth hijacked it to show them meteor, but then he also killed Tifa and then Barret. We know later on that Barret actually dies, so having seen this, Cloud may well relate back to this deep seated fear that he can't save Tifa and she'll die because of him and it'll cause further attacks. This is also a callback to the time in the reactor in Nibelheim when Tifa was stabbed by Sephiroth and Cloud couldn't save her – this ties to the PTSD flashback he had during the reactor 5 mission where he saw Tifa picking up Sephiroth's sword, so it's got precedence to cause him further trauma once he connects the dots. The fact it provokes such a strong emotional response from him – so much so that his entire face changes – I suspect that real!Cloud came out to motivate him to run to her out of the fear he'd just seen her die in front of him – again. The shock and disbelief on his face, the utter heartbreak. His expression changes from SOLDIER!Cloud to real!Cloud in less than 3 seconds. I checked. As a trigger for his trauma, Cloud's fear of losing Tifa pushes him to a lot of things he wouldn't normally do.

This is more of a memory glitch than PTSD since it's tied to the grunt recognising Cloud and calling him out on the false memories he has of being a SOLDIER. He says they went through training together and Cloud's eyes narrow as though he's trying to reconcile a truth against a lie. The truth that real!Cloud was a grunt and SOLDIER!Cloud is a fake.

There's some distress on his face here that links back to the point during the airbuster battle when he first learned about cell degradation. He knows what he believes is true isn't quite right, but he can't figure out why. SOLDIER!Cloud is unaware of the SOLDIER persona he constructed to protect his real self from further trauma. In OG when Cloud finds out – through Sephiroth’s skewed af bullshit – it causes a complete mental break, so real!Cloud's right to be wary of triggering himself because he's not in a good enough place to deal with what he's done to protect himself. He'd blame himself for being even more weak than he thought.

This is more interesting. Usually whenever anyone questions Cloud about his false identity he claims it, while also rejecting it by saying “ex-SOLDIER”, but in Hojo's case, he seems to hesitate, as though part of him knew it would be questioned and wouldn't hold up. Since Hojo's the one who did this to Cloud, it's likely the truth of what happened couldn't be kept back by the SOLDIER lies.

Pained again, Cloud turns his head away, as though he can shut out the truth. Hojo's image glitches for him and it's reminiscent of the OG moment where Cloud confronts Hojo and asks if he can be a proper experiment instead of a failed one (or something like that. I haven't played OG in like 5 years)

The trauma from what Hojo's done is quickly brushed under the carpet thanks to the arrival of the whispers. This is the second time they appear to prevent Cloud learning too much about his past too early. (Dammit, I forgot about deep ground, I'll circle back to it or I'll lose the order for my screenshots)

I'm not including the long corridor walk prompted by Jenova because that's a loading screen and also it happens not because of anything that Cloud experienced in the location, but because the outside influence of Jenova called to him. His only association with Jenova is the infusion of cells, though how he got them does set off attacks. Actually, here's a good point for the deep ground screen.

Preview of zombie Cloud for Mideel anyone? I mean, what can I say? He's totally checked out and it's scary. No wonder he doesn't wanna remember any of it if this is what he was like at the time. Imagine being so doped up with mako that you're not even you any longer? Having experiments carried out on you and god knows what else. Being stuffed in a chamber jammed full of alien dna and left to see what happens.

This is what broke him. I'd say it's similar to the faceless Squall cut scene from the end of FF8. It's chilling. No wonder he crafted an entire persona to protect himself from remembering this.

So this is the culmination of all the other attacks he's had. We get flashback elements from several that threaten to overwhelm Cloud. He's clutching his head. He's in serious pain and can't do anything. He manages to push through and ask if it's really Sephiroth. He then grabs his left arm when it begins to hurt. This is because Sephiroth is left handed. This is also the same arm that had the major infection of geostigma in AC.

Conclusion

Cloud is a messed by puppy and I ship him with therapy.

PTSD is a tricky thing to accurately show, especially in this case when it's not all totally mental illness and there are outside factors that skew how it's portrayed. Part of Sephiroth is within Cloud, though I do suspect it's more of an aspect of his own feelings of self-loating and doubt than it is actually Sephiroth. That's not to say there isn't also a genuine part of Sephiroth within these visions influencing Cloud to do what he wants, but I think it comes down to the context of the moment.

Cloud's been through a lot of shit and fronts like nothing else. He's managed to get away without any kind of vices or coping mechanisms besides this alternate persona that actually does ok in following the real!Cloud's lead when his deeper urges motivate SOLDIER!Cloud into doing things. I mean there's a point where there's a clear debate between the two about dancing for Andrea. All that back and forth eye movement and then the grimace and “fine, for Tifa” expression wasn't necessary if it was just SOLDIER!Cloud.

It's gonna be hard for Cloud to hear that he's not real in the sense that he thinks he is. It's gonna break him. We've got a preview of his scary vacant Mideel look and it's terrifying. Major props to Tifa for refusing to give up on him.

#final fantasy 7 remake spoilers #final fantasy 7 remake analysis #Character analysis #Cloud Strife #Tw: ptsd

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iaenvs3000-20 · 3 years

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Interpreting my journey

Learning about nature interpretation this semester has taught me a lot and I’m incredibly appreciative of not just the space for some self-expression, but also the incentive to attach meaning to everything I have done. It has allowed me to learn not just about the field, but many things that I can apply to different aspects of my life. This blog was a little difficult to write and I had to think a lot, but it is in many ways a stream of consciousness as I reflect on everything I have learnt.

Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

As I continue to develop as an interpreter, my guiding principles are to foster understanding and appreciation, while recognizing that we all engage with the world differently. I think one of the most valuable things that I’ve learned this semester is first understanding myself and what I wish to contribute to the world, and how that influences my role as an interpreter. This has allowed me to recognize the beliefs that I bring to my interpretation such as the importance of communicating science in a way that is relevant and meaningful to a larger audience.

I think that in terms of trying to raise awareness about environmental issues such as habitat destruction, species extinction, climate change etc., it is essential to increase the sense of wonder people have towards natural world. Sharing the very simple things about the natural world has the ability to completely transform someone’s perspective or feeling towards something. I remember as a kid I was quite terrified of bugs and would not hesitate to ask someone to kill them for me, and then one day my dad told me that some bugs actually have pretty short lifespans (in their adult form), and killing them meant they get even less time to spend in the world. Since then I somehow learnt to co-exist with bugs, I’m still not their biggest fan but I can never seem to forget how learning something so simple changed my entire perspective to the extent that I would always wonder how insects perceived the world, which led me down the rabbit of hole of learning how different organisms perceive time differently from humans. Learning such things ignited my curiosity of the natural world which I think led me to be an empathetic person. And so with all this said, I believe interpretation is something that can deeply inspire people and change lives in ways I don’t even think I can begin to imagine.

The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper ― W.B. Yeats

Image by Frank Winkler from Pixabay

In the day and age we live in, I think it can be very easy for humans to view ourselves as separate from the natural world especially when our lives are dominated by technology. I think that in trying to reconnect humans with nature, it is important for us to understand our place in it and that we are a part of the whole, rather than apart from it. And this brings me to my approach as an individual, and I have to stop and ask myself not just how I would like to share my message but also what my end goal is, what feelings and understanding am I trying to impart and invoke? In many ways it is trying to emulate to some capacity what I have observed from other interpreters that has stuck with me over time. I think that there is always something incredible to be experienced when you witness someone talking about something they love, and one step beyond that I feel is when they share that with other people. My experiences of interpretation that have stuck with me have always been when the interpreter is kind, respectful, passionate and when they have created a space for the audience to attach their own meaning to the experience. These are qualities I would like to bring to my own interpretation.

Through this course I’ve really come to appreciate the diversity of the ways in which information can be shared, and I’m exploring how I can incorporate some of those practices into my own work. Words have always been my preferred form of expression, in more ways than I think we realize, we are always weaving some sort of story through our words. Something that I want to explore more of is the different ways of sharing messages through words, going beyond essays and blogs and opinion pieces. There’s so many different things I have been exposed to through this course that have really transformed my thinking and have inspired me to step outside of the box. The one that sticks with me the most is a poetry book mentioned in the textbook by Jidi Maija called I, Snow Leopard. The speaker in the poem is an endangered snow leopard and I couldn’t help but think how much more powerful the message of human violence towards animals is communicated, by giving a voice to the animal itself. I still don’t know what my approach as an interpreter is quite yet, but I look forward to experimenting with mixing different mediums such as storytelling, music and videography.

Image by TeeFarm from Pixabay

As I continue on thins journey, my responsibility is to retain integrity in everything I do, to be as true as I can to the information I share, to make it accessible, and to always remember that it is not about sharing my perception of the world, but the wonder, and creating space for others to experience that wonder.

When I signed up for this course it was kind of like taking a shot in the dark, and I didn’t know what to expect, but I’m glad I took the chance. I have enjoyed reading and learning about the experiences others have had not just in the natural world, but in their personal lives as well. I’m kind of glad I’ve had this opportunity to reflect on this course and all the different things I have learnt because it has enabled me to see the growth in myself and in my thinking over the past few months. I don’t really know how else to end this other than to wish everyone the best of luck in all their future endeavours!

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chenvs3000 · 3 years

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This Is Just The Beginning

Although this class may be coming to an end, our journey as nature interpreters is just beginning. As we reach the end of the semester, I wanted to revisit the three main questions we’ve been asked throughout the semester: (1) who am I as an interpreter, (2) who is my audience, and (3) how can I make this experience meaningful (Beck et al., 2018).

First, who am I as an interpreter? Just because I don’t have a job as a nature interpreter, doesn’t mean I can act as a nature interpreter for the people I interact with in my life. I have two main identities as a nature interpreter: (1) a citizen and (2) a scientist. How I interpret nature in these two roles may differ, but I still feel a moral obligation to spread awareness about nature, conservation, and sustainability everyday.

This class hasn’t necessarily taught me anything new about nature, I know just as much about the environment as I did in January. But the key thing I have learned is how to share this knowledge. As a citizen, I have learned how I can converse with those around me in a way that I can spark an interest in nature and inspire them to live sustainably on their own terms. Nobody likes to be forced or pushed to live a certain way, but effective nature interpretation can inspire people to change all on their own. This is tied to my personal ethical belief that nature interpreters must have autonomy. Autonomy means that individuals have a right to self-determination, that is, to make decisions about their lives without interference from others. This essentially means that we can teach people and try and inspire them to continue their personal journey and relationship with the environment, but at the end of the day we can’t force them or judge them for not being more proactive about conservation. I have also learned new ways to interpret my research findings better as a scientist. I have learned that writing about new findings isn’t enough, and for any type of presentation to be meaningful you must explain why it is important in a broader environmental context. The most important lesson I have learned is that role of interpretation is to make intellectual connections between what the audience already knows and new information I am trying to provide, and make emotional connections so they can learn why something is important and why they should care about it.

Another key aspect about who I am as an interpreter relates to who I am as a person. My privileges, personal learning style, ethics, and beliefs all impact who I am as a person. And while these facets of my identify can sometimes help me connect with my audience, they can also hinder my connection with them as well. For example, my learning styles are spatial and interpersonal. I learn best with mind-maps or charts connecting ideas and bouncing ideas of others and actively discussing topics. It’s quite funny because me and my roommate discovered we have completely opposite learning styles as hers are intrapersonal and logical-mathematical. She often found when we studied together, my talking and disusing would distract her and hinder her from thinking about topics and understanding them – but I couldn’t understand them without talking about aloud with someone else. I used to always approach teaching as if I was trying to teach myself, but I have learned that everyone learns differently so this teaching style isn’t always effective. I have learned that I must manipulate how I present in a way that anyone could understand and learn from my presentation.

A picture I took using self-timer in Killarney, ON with my roommate Sarah - the one with a completely different learning style than me.

Second, who is my audience? Like I said previously, sometimes I’m may be interpreting to my friends and family, and sometimes I may be interpreting in a professional setting to strangers. As an individual, there are certain approaches I can take to spark an interest in nature while I have their attention (Beck et al., 2018). First, you have to approach conversations with a good-natured demeanor, because a brash or confrontation demeanor can cause the listener to feel attacked or not want to listen to what you have to say. This is especially important when talking about touchy subjects or controversial topics like religion, politics, or using live animals for education. I’ve also learned to emirate confidence. I can get nervous especially in front of groups or strangers, so this is easier when I’m talking with close friends and family. But I’ve notice when listening to others speak that confidence promotes engagement and active listening, and really helps the audience believe in the credibility of the facts and be inspired by the information – especially when the presenter is visibly enthralled and excited about the topic. And lastly, I’ve learned that enthusiasm and passion is contagious. The energy you surround yourself with is the energy you bring into your life. I have such a deep love for the environment, but not everyone seems to always think its as cool as I do. But when you speak and are truly excited about what your talking about, you create an atmosphere of inspiration. I pressure my mom not to rake up the leaves this past fall because I learned that leaves can provide over-winter habitat for bees, and provide lots of nutrients for the soil in the spring. She thought I was crazy and hated the idea because “leaves are messy”, but my passion and visible enthusiasm about doing this is what ultimately convinced her that this must be important because of how excited I was about it.

A picture I took of my tree plant crew. I hired this amazing group of people to work on my crew this past summer, and they have listened to many of my passionate talks about nature - teaching them about the importance of replanting forests, and how the results of their work will quite literally live on for 70+ years.

As a scientist, the internet and social media are really some of the only platforms to promote research papers and make new research findings available to the public. Working with professors and academics I have learned that social platforms like Twitter, LinkedIn, and personal websites/blogs are great ways to spread research. Some professors even become guests on podcasts to talk about their research. The mantra in Richard Louv’s book The Natue Principle is that the more high tech our lives become, the more nature we need (Hooykaas, 2021). And while I agree with this belief, this course has also taught me that technology can be a steppingstone to developing a relationship with nature. May people these days live in urban cities where it is difficult to find a place nearby where they can escape and experience nature, and this can be especially impactful for children. But, as we have learned, the internet and virtual teaching approaches can actually be very effective for nature interpretation. Technology can provide a doorway to teach children about nature and provoke their curiosity. Interpreting nature consists of helping people to fall in love with nature and accepting that protecting and conserving something requires us to love it first, and to do so we need to know it. Technology is one of the most effective tools we have to spread environmental messages, and introduce the public to new topics, and hopefully we can inspire them enough to keep wanting to learn and do more.

A screen capture from the website for the lab I work in at Dalhousie University. We use this website, along with twitter and LinkedIn accounts to promote new research papers written by members of the lab. https://www.seafloormapping.ca/

Finally, how can I make this experience meaningful? I’ve touched on this a couple times in the paragraphs above, but I truly believe that the way to make a presentation special is about shifting your audience’s perception. Interpretation is about opening people’s minds to wonder and new ways of perceiving the world, beyond normal every day thinking (Beck et al., 2018). It’s very similar to seeing the world through the eyes of a child, romanticizing the mundane, and learning to love nature in its raw and chaotic forms. In summary, it’s not about making your presentation special, its about showing your audience that nature is special – and as a result your presentation will become inspiring and meaningful. There are certain approaches to do this effectively depending on your audience, but the key role of interpretation is the same no matter who you are or who you are presenting to.

I have two questions for you to think about after reading this post:

(1) In what role(s) do you see yourself applying what we have learned in this class. It could be as a park guide, a parent, a mentor, a researcher, or a friend. (Remember, anyone can be an interpreter)

(2) Looking back, who as been an unexpected/unofficial nature interpreter in your own life. Maybe it’s a family member who first introduced you to nature, or a teacher who took you on a field trip.

Thanks for reading:) - Claire

Sources:

Beck, L., Cable, T.T., & Knudson, D.M. (2018). Interpreting cultural and natural heritage for a better world. Sagamore Venture Publishing LLC.

Hooykaas, A. (2021). Unit 10: Nature Interpretation’s Role in Environmental Sustainability [Course Website]. University of Guelph Courselink. https://courselink.uoguelph.ca/d2l/le/content/666945/viewContent/2597605/View

Hookyaas, A. (2021). Unit 08: The Role of Technology in Nature Interpretation. CourseLink. https://courselink.uoguelph.ca/d2l/le/content/666945/viewContent/2594169/View.

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