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parismemes · 3 years

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THINGS I’VE SAID ON DISCORD (OCTOBER EDITION) AS SENTENCE STARTERS.

“tell me everythng.” “HEHEHEHEHEHEHE” “i have read every single one of them and do not intend to stop” “i on principle only like songs that go hard” “I DIDNT THINK IT WAS GOING TO BE THAT SAD WHAT THE FUCK” “heehoo. water boy.” “why i always sleep through this shit i hate it here” “gacha games count as gambling” “im also there. im laughing” “u r doing so much math and im just like hehe money” “what the fuck what the fuck NOOO what the fuck im dfgjhhfjgdhjfgkjdkghjd” “what a traumatic backstory” “I CAN SEE YOU READING MY MESSAGES IM GONAN GET FINESSED OUT THE FUCKIN WINDOW“ “THAT’S not good!” “if hes a fraid of dogs that sounds like a him problem” “i honestly deserve recognition for the absolute shit i just pulled off” “YES FUCK YEAH YEAH YEAH HELL YEAH FUCK YEAH HELL FUCKIN YEAH WOOOOOOOOO YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!” “why the fuck would you want that” “yeah hes my only one true love” “by a few i of course mean like 600″ “no one fucking appreciate me” “thank you ___ for being the only person who appreciate me” “i reveal it in pieces and make you put it together like a puzzle” “im smart and never regret it“ “see, i just dont think thats right” “i will continue dangling it in front of your face like a scientist dangling bait in front of a fish (who is also in a maze)” “hes actually like an absolute fucking nerd a complete fool a fucking dumbass” “sorry your message glitched and i cannot read. anyway back to my leverage over you which is forcing you into a corner,” “it's not extortion because i don't know what extortion means” “why do they talk like exes. its because they are exes” “TIME SENSITIVE QUESTION PLEASE RESPOND” “he's a content creator he'll be fine” “what does this mean? but yes” “NICE NICE NNICE NICE NICE NICE NICE NICE NICE NICE NICE” “for future record ___ just used the word poggers” “look at all these fuckin blondes” “its only been like a week and a half at most” “hes doing it out of affection” “ISNT THIS THE FUNNIEST SHIT YOUVE EVER SEEN” “you are terrible and also the worst” “i was going to send it at midnight but i got distracted trying to figure out the most barebones way to say happy birthday without sounding weird” “do you think i get punished more or less if i do sins” “i dont think the sins count as extra points if you commit them on the way to hell” “run over pedestrians” “i am slowly descending into insanity today, as a hobby” “you are a shit boy. a little shit boy go eat boxes“ “it's ok. we can figure it out later” “i didnt notice at first but it is in fact All The Fuck Over” “ITS BEEN OVER 12 HOURS” “hey guys just turns out we might have a ✨ gas leak ✨” “im sure if we put our braincells together we can figure SOMETHING out” “curious georg” “thank god. i could and would have argued this for several hours” “i think the worst thing ive heard today is someone calling the movie enchanted a reverse isekai” “i should not and will not stop” “i was RIGHT AHHAHAHAHAHAGAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA” “that wasnt a question you read it wrong” “i have no idea who this is but that wont stop me” “THIS MAN REALLY SAID HEAD EMPTY WHAT IS MONEY” “sometimes i say things and its best to just pretend you know what i mean” “WOT THIS” “I DONT WANT PEE ON MY BED“ “tired of all these stupid fuckin plants” “could you even really consider jelly filled donuts donuts?” “actually everything is real” “if you eat cereal for dinner, you're not having fucking breakfast” “i think my in real life superpower is that i have freakishly fast metabolism” “i dont care if you are evil you are MY TYPE” “you dirty criminal” “is a dessert item a dessert if it isn't eaten after dinner? discuss” “ok im done for the Right Now” “found a concerning orb. in the sky.” “HOW DID YOU KILL THEM” “why do i do this to myself why do i keep doing this” “the only simp here is me” “I No Longer Wish To Know!“ “DID THEY JUST END AN ENTIRE SPECIES” “WE ARE DETERMINED” “this is also really funny by virtue of the fact that these people are all fucking british” “they throw rocks at me and say we want the himbo” “THE CONTEXT IS IMPORTANT HERE” “its something that i SPECIFICALLY am passionate about” “hanburnger?” “thats just what living with siblings is like” “howd she get there? fuckin beats me dude idk” “i remember everything i am like a shark with an abnormally good memory” “i am sorry that you are predictable” “Hey Guys, Just Checkiing In To Make Sure You Got My Joke, Just Making Sure, I Just Wanted To Check In And See If You Got The Joke, Because I Was Afraid You Wouldnt Get It, So Im Just Checking In,” “i marked your worm” “what are you gonna do. unsend whatever you send me? i am Shaking in my fuzzy socks rn” “you Know i hate the idea of being wrong” “You Did Not Need To Stroke His Ego” “i am too stupid to live and if i was not vaccinated my genes would have no chance of being passed on because i would be dead” “~the oldest anarchy server in minecraft history~” “am i shaking because of adrenaline or rage.... who can tell” “I HAVE SO MUCH ADRENALINE IN ME BUT ITS 1 AM IN THE MORNING” “jokes on u i fucking HATE ___ i think hes the worst” “JUST IMPULSE MADE BROWNIES AT 9 PM HEYOOOO” “cry about it more bitch boy maybe piss your pants while ur at it” “im getting so casually toxic back to toxic gamer boys” “itll be fiiiiiine” “we are all stupid mice who take turns being the piper” “queen of bargains is me i am the queen of bargaining and scoring deals” “its not TECHNICALLY a direct threat but also yes it is” “i see a demon i go possess me then bitch boy u wont” “AAAA THE FUCKIN VIIIIBES” “IM NOT GOING TO STOP BEING MAD ABOUT IT”

#sentence starters #rp memes #ask memes #rp meme #ask meme #the first one i did of this did really well....

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mariichu-drawsthings · 3 years

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The Weasley Twins, by an actual twin

My first thing is about the Molly Weasley hate.

Hey! Actual twin here! Actual identical twin here! Messing up Fred and George on accident? That’s not a big fucking deal!

It really doesn't mean she “doesn't care about them” or that she's a bad parent or whatever. if she was, then my parents are AWFUL. Yknow, i really think that the ppl who write that stuff about molly and the twins aren't actually twins.

Here’s how i know: me and my brother’s parents messed us up all the time when we were younger (obviously not anymore, but thats bc we both look very different now, as opposed to the weasley twins who look exactly the same.). I was “first-syllable-of-my-brother’s-name-then-my-name” until i was ten. i literally answer to my brothers name.

it would be a little sus if molly couldn’t figure out which twin was which while looking right at them, but just glancing or seeing the back of their head? totally acceptable to me. very realistic, actually.

(also, point of note about the twins: twins don’t speak in unison like that.

I know this is old news at this point, but here's how we actually talk:

- we generally dont say full sentences together, unless we know how the other is going to end it and its a word thats shared in both of our vocabulary.

- what we normally do is share references, because we grew up on the same stuff, as well watching and enjoying the same media.

- its like quoting vines with other ppl but with obscure youtube videos, movies, references, even in-jokes the other said at some point that no one else understands.

also, another side note- me and my brother actually made a decision to high-five every time we say something in-sync, just to fuck with ppl.

remember, if you're writing twins- they grew up together, probably share a lot of ideas and opinions, and also never had that “they’re younger/older than me, they wouldn't understand” thing that most normal siblings do, and experienced a lot of milestones together.

also no twin ive met actually cares about a shared birthday, we just mutually don’t get each other presents, it is not a big deal and we dont have separate parties.)

Long-ass tangent aside, i also want to talk about their relationship with harry and why i love it.

So, i read a post a while ago that said “the twins probably like harry so much because he always refers to fred and george by name and gets them correct every time” and i have to say... that is the most realistic thing ive ever heard in my life.

So, twins are pretty rare, (a quick google says that roughly 3%~ of deliveries are twins, and 0.3%~ are identical twins), but im pretty sure everyone knows that twins like it when you get our names right.

this is 100% right.

non-twins have no idea how annoying it is to be called your twin’s name in the hallway by someone you don’t even know (and they only know you because you’re one of the 4 pairs of twins in the school), especially when you look different (hair, clothing, style, glasses, etc.).

bc you always know they didn't actually mistake you for your twin - they just dont care enough about learning your name and figure they can pretend that you're “identical” enough that you won't notice. its like they think you're stupid its so annoying.

its essentially like going up to someone and saying “hey i dont care about you as a person enough to learn your name but im going to pretend i did and call you an idiot for thinking you would believe that, where’s your sibling?”. (quote from my brother while writing this: “im literally transitioning and bitches still call me your name like damn”)

it’s fucking annoying.

Harry being able to point out each twin every single time is amazing, and especially since they look so similar. it really screams “i actually care enough to put the effort in to remember to tell you apart”, which seems like nothing but really isn't, not when you’re used to no one but your family caring. tl;dr: critiquing molly’s character is fine, but critiquing her for that has no basis in reality, there are very specific ways that we talk in sync, and harry is a chad.

#harry potter #weasley twins #molly weasley #george weasley #fred weasley

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heartbreakgrill · 4 years

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and to my prior request i have like those round coffee house glasses if there’s any consolation on what glasses i’m talking about lol & can i be on ur tag list? i love ur writing!!

description:

a/n: i am so sorry this took so long! despite quarantine, i’ve been unmotivated lmao. hope you like it!!

Relationships are all about connecting to another person, learning to love every single little thing about them. Because people were so unique, with deep personalities, this could take some time to do. Eventually, you may know everything there is to possibly know, which seems shocking. You still remember the plot line between Jim and Pam on The Office, in which Pam insists there must be something she doesn’t know about her husband. But, she does.

It’s difficult to think about for too long because you’ll find yourself becoming infatuated with the idea of learning as much as you can. So, in this relationship of just two months, you were letting things happen as fate allowed them to. You told Calum things here and there, and he reciprocated.

It would be when a morning when you showed up for breakfast that you learned he preferred tea over over coffee. There’d be a boring day at his house where you’d learn that he and Roy had a rotating chore list, shared in their text messages but sometimes written on the white board in the kitchen.

It was on a Thursday night when Calum learned you liked to be in bed on a work night at 9 pm. He’s wrestled with you, wanting to stay longer, but gave up when he realized how tired you truly were. Finally, there was that time at Ashtons, for a barbecue, when Calum learned you were allergic to strawberries after attempting to romantically feed you the chocolate covered piece of fruit.

But, there was still things neither of you knew about each other.

Friday nights were usually when you had the most fun. You’d spend all weekend together, and it kick it off with some late night Taco Bell runs or trips to Luke’s for a double-date, movie night with him and Sierra. Tonight would be spent in, watching movies, most likely going to get some type of fast food way-too late and, for the first time ever, staying the night at Calum’s house. It was going to be a learning curve for many reasons.

In preparation for your night in, you had already removed your makeup and contacts, coffee-house styled glasses framing your clean face. Your hair was in a bun, Calum’s green Empathy hoodie around your torso, and black leggings adorning your thighs. You drove to Calum’s house with the driver’s side window down, but now the sun was set, and you began to roll it up as a chilly gust of wind blew across the valley.

Soon enough, you were stepping out of your car, tugging the strap of your overnight bag over your shoulder, and shuffling towards Calum’s doorstep. You knocked three times before beginning to rock back and forth on your heels. The door pulled open and Roy grinned down at you.

You offered a polite smile as he stepped aside to let you in, “Hey, Roy. How are you?”

“I’m good, [Y/N], thanks. You?” He stood against the now-closed door, watching as you slipped out of your shoes.

Your voice dropped to a murmur with the lightest pink coloring your cheeks, “Nervous.”

Roy laughed, moving back towards the living room with, “Ah, you’ll be fine.”

As soon as he turned the corner, you heard the Duke’s nails tapping against the hallway floor. He came into the parlor, running as quickly as his little legs would allow. You crouched down, the strap of your bag falling down your shoulder. You shrugged it off further and picked Duke up in your arms. He licked your cheek, tail wagging against the crook of your elbow. You stood upright, moving further into the house.

“Hi, baby,” you nuzzled your nose against the soft fur of his neck, grinning at his comfort.

“Wow, Duke, so quick to abandon me just because [Y/N]’s here,” Calum rounded the same corner, dressed down in a Santa Cruz sweatshirt pulled over his blonde hair and pajama bottoms. He looked so cute, your heart almost melted.

You looked up from the dog, a shy smile adorning your features. “He just misses me.”

“Well, he’s not the only one,” Calum wrapped his arms around you, holding you as close to him as he could with Duke between the two of you. You pulled back slightly, bending down to set Duke on the floor. Calum brought you back against his chest, lips grazing your cheek in a sloppy kiss.

You giggled, writhing away from his lips. Calum’s mouth moved towards your nose, eyes shut, but he pushed so harshly because you were pulling away from him that he bashed his face against your glasses. They fell to the ground and you stumbled into Calums chest, laughing so hard your face burned bright red.

Calum was laughing, too, though it was being dialed down by his guilt and worry for the frames he didn’t even know existed. He managed to grab them from the floor, doing a once over to see if they were okay. They were, save a single Duke hair on the glass, so he handed them over.

You calmed down and slipped them over your ears. Calum’s eyes focused on them, admiring the way they fit your face. He, “didn’t know you wore glasses.”

“I do,” you pushed them up your nose, hand dropping to your side. “Do they look bad? I-“

He grabbed your hand as it moved back up at the frames, fingers intertwining with them, “No, they’re, like really cute. Like super adorable on you.”

You blushed again, chewing on your bottom lip, “Really?”

“I just wanna kiss your face, you’re so cute, Jesus,” Calum grabbed your waist with his free hand. You bumped into his chest, finding your footing with your forearm draped over his shoulders.

“Just dont knock them off again.”

Later that night, Calum drove the two of you to Taco Bell. It was chilly, but in spite of that, you cradled a slushee in your hand. Calum was holding the other, intertwined in your lap. He pulled off a road that didn’t lead back to his house, and didn’t answer your questions.

He parked the car on a hill overlooking the city. He pushed up the center consol to reveal the middle seat underneath. With a light tug, he had you under his arm, snuggled against his side. You leaned into him graciously, the scent from his hoodie matching that on his neck.

You closed your eyes for a moment, nearly falling asleep when you felt the slushee slipping from your fingers. A flash, also, woke you from your near passed-out state. Your eyes opened to a photo on Calum’s Snapchat of you and him, in the same position. He was grinning, eyes trained on you. They were flushed with pure adoration and you felt your cheeks redden, chest swell.

“Can I post this on Instagram?” He scrolled through his phone, which was still in your eyesight.

You were slightly taken back, thinking that you looked awful in your glasses, face red from the poor car lighting, and chin nearly doubled because you were so snuggled up. You shook your head of the self conscious thoughts, “Oh, sure, I guess.”

“Hey,” Calum set down his phone and turned so he could meet your eyes. “Youre beautiful, okay? I know it might not be something you agree with or feel and I cant force you to believe, but you are beautiful.”

“Cal, I,” you hesitated, “Ive just always been self conscious of my glasses. You can post the photo, Im just scared that the comments are going to reflect my thoughts.”

Calum opened his phone again, tapping on more buttons than needed. He turned off the comments. Added a caption that said, “My personal (and cuter) Harry Potter.”

You glanced back up at him, cupping his cheek with your free hand. You pressed a kiss to his jaw, holding him against you for longer than a moment. He jerked back only to press his lips against yours.

“I want to make you fall in love with yourself while I do.”

TAGLIST: @mantlereid

#calum hood blurb #calum hood imagine #calum hood x y/n #calum hood x you #calum hood x reader #calum hood #calum hood fluff #calum blurb #calum fluff #5sos imgaines #luke 5sos #5sos x you #5sos x reader #5sos fluff #calm 5sos #calum 5sos #5sos blurb

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todancealongthelightofday · 4 years

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Well.

It's official. I’m off facebook. I had to. I can't continue to hurt myself obsessing over what you're doing and what people are saying about me. I can't be worried about every post I make and who may get upset or how much of my personal life I accidentally reveal. I'm struggling with myself to not give into the temptation of being petty. I want to show every single one of those girls you added this week all of the screenshots I have of you being the absolute worst. I want to tell your family that you never “went so hard” on me because I was “pulling some shit”. that never happened and you know it. You sit alone, bored, with a dry phone and so you decide to “miss me” and apologize and make all these promises that things will be different. The same promises that ive heard 1000 times already. Nothing was ever different. Just last night, when you accused me of so many things, you yourself were lying to me. Your snap count keeps going up, yet you yell at me that you're not talking to anyone and you'll delete snapchat. Why would it matter if you deleted it anyway? you just redownload it when I'm not around, just like you always have. Thats the thing. The trust is gone. You've used it up. You've taken every bit of trust I have and shattered it. I can't even go to my hometown anymore because I don't know who I can trust. Who you've poisoned. I know you're not telling anyone what really happened. I assume you're spinning a narrative along the lines of “she couldn't handle me being gone all the time and she was being a bitch so we broke up” instead of “I was unfaithful the entire relationship because I have a sex addiction, but I stopped wanting sex with her a long time ago. I also stopped loving her the way she craved to be loved. I stopped kissing her. I stopped calling her beautiful. I stopped enjoying her company on the couch for a lazy movie day. I stopped appreciating her as she held down the fort while I went away for work and flirted and partied and ignored her. While I was gone, she was at work or at home. She was paying bills and calling plumbers and yard workers, and getting estimates on fence work and painters and floor replacements. She was cooking and cleaning and caring for our dogs. She was allowing others to stay in the house because they fell on hard times. She was rehabbing baby animals and getting broken glass doors replaced. She was doing everything she could to bring light and happiness to everyone (and every animal) she could. And she was doing it all while being neglected. Doing it all for me while I was going out and disrespecting her and our commitment.” I know thats not what you're telling them, but thats the story id really like people to know. I want them to know that I cried myself to sleep every night that I would call you before bed, after not talking to you all day, and you “had nothing to say. I just worked all day. I'm tired. goodnight”. I would cry on the bathroom floor when you would come home after 3 months and never kiss me or hug me. just walk past me and ask “who's coming over tonight? lets cook!”. I would spend hours steaming floors and dusting fans and washing blankets and shampooing carpets and then I would shower and dress up and do my makeup and wear my best outfit down to the panties, and you would just come home, have people over, get sloppy drunk, and pass out, leaving me to host until everyone left, clean the mess that 10 drunk people and a bbq is bound to leave, then crawl into bed at 4 AM. Then I would get up at 6:30 to start the morning routine. Dogs out. Feed cats. Let dogs in and feed them. Feed the fish and the tortoise. Let the dogs out again. Switch the laundry, unload the dishwasher. You would just lay in bed all day. If you got up, it was probably 2 or 3 in the afternoon and you'd sit on the couch and watch tv while I did your laundry and whatever other things needed to be done that day. I would beg you to come with me for Tyson’s vet appointment, and of course you'd say no. I’d tell you my family was having a crawfish boil and you'd say you were too tired or “dont feel like being around people”. But thats not true, was it. You just didn't want to be around those people. You were always ready to go to bars and drink and ignore me. thats the people you like. the ones that don't know you and that assume you're single because you haven't touched me or kissed me or danced with me once all night. But oh... if Claire wants to dance or if a guy starts talking to Leah, you're on that shit. Cant let YOUR eye candy get taken by some guy at a bar. Yet I was forced to break a mans nose. I was forced to defend myself, because when he disrespected me, you where nowhere to be found. Probably watching some girl, too distracted to know that a man was trying to hurt me. But doing worry. I dealt with it. Im stronger than you think. I made it through all that. I made it through so many nights of hating myself and questioning what I did wrong and why I wasn't good enough. What I could do to be good enough for you. I didn't leave when you invited Linzy to sleep in your bed and stoped coming visit because she would be bored alone if you left. I didn't leave when your snapchat was all women that you would snap all day long and never save anything so I could never see it. I didn't leave when you fixated on the idea of Sadie showing her tits in new Orleans while I stood right in front of you. I also didn't leave when, that same night, you “jokingly” grabbed at her chest and when we went home, your phone “accidentally got left in the bathroom standing up in a strange place and took pictures of her in the shower”. I didn't leave. I stayed and I believed you because for a day or two after an incident you would love me again. you would kiss me and hug me and have sex with me. Then as soon as I believed you, it would stop and you'd go back to your fuck boy shit. You'd go back to “being so tired” that you couldn't call me before bed but you had time to talk to Claire and invite her to your hotel room. You couldn't be bothered to give me the attention I had been begging for, but you could find time to snapchat my sister and “dare her to flash you as a joke”. Or what about the time you “accidentally” sent her a snap of your dick in the shower?! I am so angry and so hurt. Honestly I don't even remember what the point of this post was. Its gone from having a purpose to the words jus falling out of my heart and into my keyboard. I know I made the right choice. I saw something earlier that said “Sometimes you have to break your heart to find your peace” and honestly that is what im doing. Im so hurt and so scared and I feel small and lost, but after typing all these things, I remember why I left you. I know these negative feelings will pass and my life will get back on track and ill be happy and I know that one day I will find a man that knows how to love. A man that knows how broken I am and the trauma that iv gone through and he just supports me and loves me the way I've always wanted. So im deleting facebook so that I am no longer hurt by all the lies you're spreading and all the women you're fucking. Im choosing to fix me. I am choosing to stand myself up and climb out of this rubble and keep moving forward. Im choosing to start putting myself back together so that when that man finds me, im ready to let him hold me. Also, sorry to anyone that gets stuck reading this. It is word vomit on a page and I apologize for my shit writing and rambling. I just kinda let myself type whatever came out. This is my life. this is me. Well. its at least the tip of the iceberg of the hot mess that is me.

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feralhogs · 4 years

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1 THROUGH 55 AND 1 THROUGH 30 GO GO GO

LETS FUCKIN GO

tumblr please actually make this a keep reading

55 interesting questions you should drop in someone’s inbox

1. If you didn’t have to sleep, what would you do with the extra time?

I ALREADY WATCH NETFLIX AND AGONIZE OVER MY STORY

2. What’s your favorite piece of clothing you’ve own/owned?

MY JACKETS. ANY CHEST OBSCURING, BROAD SHOULDERED, COZY JACKET

3. What hobbies would you get into if time and money wasn’t an issue?

DANCING, ID NEED TO GO TO CLASSES OR SOMETHING

4. What would your perfect room look like?

IM ACTUALLY PRETTY HAPPY WITH MY ROOM BUT IVE ALWAYS WANTED A LAVA LAMP, AND 1800 MORE PLANTS COULDNT HURT

5. Do you play sports?

6. What fiction place would you love to go to?

SINNOH REGION

7. What Job would you be terrible at?

DEBT COLLECTION. I WOULD BE GIVING SHIT TO PEOPLE FOR FREE. I COULDNT BEAR BEING ENCOURAGED TO FORCE PEOPLE WHO CANT PAY FOR SOMETHING TO PAY MORE

8. If you could turn any activity into an Olympic sport, what would it be?

SERVING. HOW MANY PLATES CAN YOU CARRY AT ONCE

9. What’s the most annoy habit other people have?

WALKING IN MY SPACE BUBBLE WHEN MY SENSES ARE OVERLOADED

10. What skill would you like to master?

A SECOND LANGUAGE

11. What would be the most amazing adventure to go on?

THE ONE FROM MY DREAM WHERE I KISSED A GIRL DYED MY HAIR BLUE AND WE ELOPED TO BRAZIL TO RAISE SHEEP

12. What’s your favorite drink ?

THAT CHRISTMAS SHIT. PEPPERMINT MOCHA AT STARBUCKS. A FRIEND GOT IT FOR ME ONCE. NOW I ORDER IT A BILLION TIMES.

13. What state or country would you never like to go back to?

I HAVE NOT TRAVELLED MUCH EVER

14. What songs do you have completely memorized?

I DONT REMEMBER LYRICS SO MUCH, BUT I COULD PROBABLY REMEMBER HOW MANY SONGS GO COMPLETELY

15. Are you usually early or late?

LATE. IM GETTING BETTER THOUGH

16. What takes up too much of your time?

GETTING OUT OF BED

17. What do you wish you knew more about?

SWORDS

18. What are some small things that make your day better?

COFFEE. SOMEONE SAYING SOMETHING NICE TO ME.

19. What TV channel doesn’t exist but really should?

QUEER EYE BUT BY TRANS PEOPLE FOR TRANS PEOPLE

20. Who has impressed you the most with what they’ve accomplished?

YOU. AND ME. ITS GROWTH

21. What age do you wish you can permanently be?

21, SO I HAVE TIME TO FIGURE OUT WHAT THE FUCKS GOING ON

22. What TV show or movie do you refuse to watch?

13 REASONS, THE BOOK WAS TRIGGERING SO I WONT RISK IT

23. What would be your ideal way to spend you weekend?

TAKING A WALK, HAVING COFFEE, WATERING PLANTS… IM HAPPY

24. What’s something in your life that’s considered a luxury?

I HAVE PERFUME...

25. Is there anything you’re too young/old for?

TO YOUNG TO NEVER DRINK. TOO OLD FOR POKEMON

26. What’s your favorite genre book or movie?

I DONT HAVE THE ATTENTION SPAN FOR EITHER BUT I SEEM TO LIKE URBAN FANTASY A LOT

27. How often do you people watch?

I THINK IM SO POLITE BUT HONESTLY, I QUIETLY SCRUTINIZE SO MANY PEOPLE ON THE TRAIN EVERY DAY AND GUESS AT THEIR PERSONAL HABITS AND SELF IMAGE.

28. What’s the best single day on the calendar?

MY BIRTHDAY, SAGITTARIUS SEASON RULES BABY

29. What are you interested in that most people haven’t heard of?

I DONT KNOW ABOUT ANYTHING PPL HAVENT HEARD OF BUT IM INTERESTED IN BLACK HOLES

30. Do you relax after a hard day?

FOOD. NETFLIX. DECOMPOSING ON TUMBLR

31. What’s the best book or series you’ve ever read?

I HAVENT READ A BOOK I REALLY LOVE IN AGES. HARRY POTTER AND ARTEMIS FOWL WERE MY FAVOURITES GROWING UP, BUT CORNELIA FUNKES BOOKS SLAPPED AND HIS DARK MATERIALS WAS GORGEOUS

32. Where’s the farthest you’ve ever been from home?

IDAHO?

33. What’s the most heart warming thing you’ve ever seen?

LUCIFER WAS LIKE YOU DESERVE SOMEONE WHO CARES ABOUT YOUR BORING MIDDLE NAME JANE AND KNOWS THAT EVERY MURDER BREAKS YOUR HEART AND YOU SIMPLY DESERVE BETTER SO NO MORE MOMENTS WHILE THEYRE HAVING A MOMENT AND CHLOE IS WATCHING THIS FUCKING IDIOT AND IVE WATCHED THIS BEFORE SO I KNOW SHES GONNA KISS HIM AND THEN THEY KISS

34. What’s the most annoying question that people ask you?

ANY SMALL TALK QUESTIONS

35. Would you give a 40 minute presentation with no preparation?

YES. ID MAKE THAT SHIT RIGHT UP. SKILLS

36. What’s something you think everyone should do at least once in their lives?

GIVE ME A HUG AND SOME CHOCOLATE

37. Would you rather go Hand Gliding or Whitewater rafting?

HANG GLIDING

38. Dream car?

SOMETHING I DONT HAVE TO WORRY WILL FALL INTO PIECES AT ANY MOMENT

39. What’s something so many people are obsessed with and you just don’t understand why?

STRAIGHT LOVE SONGS

40. What are you most looking forward to in 10 years from now?

HAVING A CAT

41. What’s something you’ve been meaning to try but haven’t gotten to it?

DECORATING THE DOLLHOUSE I RESCUED FROM THE BATHROOM

42. What’s the best thing that’s happened to you all week?

IM NOT VERY FAR THROUGH THE WEEK AND I HAVENT ENJOYED MOST OF IT BUT PEOPLE SAYING ADORABLE THINGS

43. How different was your life one year ago?

NOT A LOT DIFFERENT, IM JUST LONELY IN THE CITY NOW, MINUS A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP, ONE YEAR ON T

44. What/who would you rate 10/10?

MY CACTUS JAKEN. I DROPPED HIM SO MANY TIMES AN ENTIRE HALF OF HIS SPIKES ARE FLAT SCARS. AND LOOK AT HIM. THRIVING

45. What kind of art do you enjoy the most?

GENUINELY MADE ART

46. What do you hope never changes?

MY T PRESCRIPTION

47. What movie title best describes your life?

I LOOKED THROUGH NETFLIX AND I PICK TWILIGHT

48. What website do you visit most often?

TUMBLR

49. What’s something you’re looking forward to this year?

MY BIRTHDAY

50. What’s something you’d like to unlearn?

FINDING A REASON TO CANCEL EVERY SINGLE LITTLE THING

51. Where would you spend all your time if you could?

WALKING BY SOME RUNNING WATER

52. What age would you like to live to?

80. THATS MY MENTAL HEALTH ANSWER

53. What’s something you’re most likely to become famous for?

SOMETHING CREATIVE WOULD BE AWESOME

54. What’s something you’re most likely to be arrested for?

CRIMES

55. What’s something you really want but can’t afford?

A CAT

Lgbt+ ask game

What do you identify as and what are your pronouns?

I’m even a little shaken by a questioning state right now but for a while I’ve felt the best fit is the androgynous label -- I read a description of it being the purple on a pink to blue scale, both at once but not specifically either one, and something else by itself. I’m also happy with a cryptic masculine grey area. My pronouns are he/him.

How did you discover your sexuality, tell your story?

During the Puberty 1.0 nightmare, I was basically living someone else’s life, and any attraction I felt wasn’t in relation to myself. I felt disconnected from my body and gender and everything too, and I felt a lot of social pressure to experience a certain type of attraction, fit into a certain role, et cetera, and none of these feelings existed in me at all, so I used to identify as ace. When I realized I was trans, I was too caught up in the, transition safely, my life is a lie, stopping dysphoria drama to focus on this, but I had an idea I might be a gay guy judging from my gay creative writing until I caught feelings for a girl and realized this wasn’t the first time that had happened. Some bi positivity and nonbinary rage later, I am reminded that gender is a joke.

Have you experienced being misgendered? What happened and how did you overcome it?

Yes of course A LOT. Starting with my parents, who do it aggressively and maliciously. And plenty from strangers and customers, mostly after hearing my voice pre-transition. It used to hurt terribly because I was dealing with so much other stuff at the time, and one little thing could be the last straw, so I used to react strongly and harshly, to people you express yourself to anyway. On T, I’ve been so much more chill and confident, and it’s less painful to accept that some people just don’t know any better, although that doesn’t change its effect.

Who was the first person you told, how did they react?

I don’t remember, I think it was a high school friend. I vaguely remember texting someone in a bathroom during a crying session at work. My high school friends were all warm and supportive.

Describe what it was like coming out, what did you feel?

It was scary as hell. I’m sure coming out (with your gender specifically) is scary by nature because it’s a huge truth to be telling that can really change how the people you love perceive you, for better or for worse, but for me, I’m also thinking with the dread and certainty that my family would be too conservative and potentially dangerous. Coming out to my family was one of the worst, most painful things I’ve ever been through -- being kicked out and laughed at, a lot of drama, confrontations, Bible readings and being ganged up on at odd hours, trying to comfort my mom who took it as her personal failure -- I was shaking with adrenaline 24/7. I think of the “I’ll suffer through anything as long as it has meaning” comment that was about angsty fanfics, but knowing the truth about myself was a source of unshakable strength and it felt refreshing and even triumphant to say, like I was giving myself permission to exist for the first time. I came out a bunch of times, though...

If you’re out, how did your parents/guardians/friends react?

My family reacted mostly badly, my sister is a little confused but has the spirit, and my friends have been wonderful.

What is one question you hate people asking about your sexuality?

It’s more of a gender thing, but I hate it when people imply that I shouldn’t be on T or are subtly trying to talk me out of it with their questions. After all the disrespectful as fuck bullshit I heard from my parents, I’m tired of this.

Describe the style of clothing that you most often wear.

Zombie apocalypse denim? Gay Layers

Who are your favourite lgbt+ ships?

I’m not really emotionally invested in these “ships” you cool kids are talking about. I like canon, age-appropriate ones.

What does makeup mean to you? Do you wear any?

I’ve never really worn makeup. I brazenly never bothered to growing up, and if it had an effect on me socially, I was too tuned out to care. My sister always wanted to do my hair and makeup, but I wasn’t interested and wouldn’t let her, much to her frustration. I wore some for a musical once though, and I had no idea what I was doing and it was extremely uncomfortable. I felt what I know now is dysphoria and ended up using the lipstick to draw. Another aspect to this is my family forbade it (or my dad made the decision for everyone), not that it made my sister feel less pressured to wear it, so maybe it was some female presentation I could easily get out of. For that reason, I don’t have super strong feelings about it. Not understanding it probably resulted in me feeling left out a lot among my peers.

Do you experience dysphoria? If so, how does that affect you?

Yes. Before my realization, it was a numb horror I wasn’t consciously aware of, ruining nice things growing up to the point where I feel like I missed out on being a teenager. I remember it as feeling nauseous while sitting in a corner, feeling like none of my clothes ever fit for some mysterious reason. Living with my family in the closet, it defined my life, and I was obsessed with my presentation. These days, it does not bother me on that level at all, except a minor freakout now and then if I get really wild and wear feminine clothes. Or I still feel it in more subtle ways, when I default to customer service voice, or when guys my age are twice my height and I look aaaall the way up at them and wonder what gender they see me as.

What is the stupidest thing you’ve heard said about the lgbt+ community?

Trust me, I have heard truck loads of dumb shit and the winner is the Gay Agenda is R****a’s propaganda to weaken the integrity of North America. Considering what is happening over there, it was enragingly stupid.

What’s your favourite thing about the lgbt+ community?

I feel like I can be myself around lgbt+ people. I don’t feel like I have to hide stuff or put on a show, and I’m not afraid because it’s familiar territory.

What’s your least favourite thing about the lgbt+ community?

Aside from obvious problems like TERFs, ace discourse. Ace people are part of the community if they want to be and that’s enough on that, my skin is already breaking out.

Have you ever been to your cities pride event? Why or why not?

I finally went to a Pride event this year! I was surprised it was the first one I’d been to, then remembered my parents discouraged me from going anywhere, never mind to a gay where.

Who is your favourite lgbt+ Icon/Advocate/Celebrity?

I can’t think of many people right now, but Leslie Feinberg seems awesome, and some quotes from Stone Butch Blues are very validating.

Have you been in a relationship and how did you meet?

No. Technically I have been in one, but it was shitty and ridiculous, and basically platonic, and I don’t want it to count.

What is your favourite lgbt+ book?

I barely read… I read Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe in high school and it was honestly so precious.

Have you ever faced discrimination? What happened?

Yes. I got kicked out (but then kicked back in again), had my stuff stolen and damaged, was verbally harassed… and I was indirectly fired by an employer, but We Will Never Know Why...

Your Favorite lgbt+ movie or show?

Queer Eye! I don’t know of many though, and some important ones, I just haven’t watched.

Who are some of your favourite lgbt+ bloggers?

My mutuals :D

Which lgbt+ slur do you want to reclaim?

I’m okay calling myself queer.

Have you ever gone to a gay bar, or a drag show, how was it?

No, but I did see some drag performances at the one (1) Pride event I went to, and they were jaw-dropping.

How do you self-identify your gender, and what does that mean to you?

I’m not sure what this question means, but I decide what fits right by what makes me feel the most alive and emotionally real and in the moment. What makes me feel the most attractive to be honest. There’s a post about dysphoria I saw going around, the things on it are basically what I use to figure things out.

Are you interested in having children? Why or why not?

I am actually! Not anytime soon, but I’m the responsible type for sure, and judging by the way I love growing plants and being around animals, I’m probably a nurturing person. I actually like kids too, lol, they’re just so high-energy.

What identity advice would you give your younger self?

You’re a boy. Go!

What do you think of gender roles in relationships?

I think people are going to have different ways of expressing themselves that make them happy, but… I don’t think they should infringe on basic human decency. When I hear “role” I think of acting a certain way because someone told you to, something I want to disagree with on the spot.

Anything else you want to share about your experience with gender?

People move out of my way on the sidewalk and take me seriously now. Privilege or self-confidence… I never want to forget what it used to be like, or get too entitled.

What is something you wish people know about being lgbt+?

That it’s simply living one’s reality. I think that trips up a lot of straight people -- that some people just come like this, and they don’t have to make it fit into their personal identity.

Why are proud to be lgbt+?

Because I worked hard to be alive and happy right now. I’m proud of choosing to get through those rough patches, take care of myself, heal, take walks, cook breakfast, learn healthy coping mechanisms, that was out of love for myself and a defiant conviction that I have a place in this world.

#chatty tag

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r3nton · 6 years

Note

ALL of them questions

BITCH what the Fuck!!who’s your celebrity crush? mary elizabeth winstead, drew barrymore, cillian murphy, duff mckagan, freddie foxare you single or taken? haha guess :)rant. just do it hhhhh there’s a lot of shit but the lowdown is my gps a bitch and i love my friends a lotdo you think its ok to separate the artist from the art? depending on the art, yeshow many accounts do you have? too manyhow many pairs of shoes do you have? um a few but i wear like 2 of themhow many accounts do you follow? like it’s in the 6000s i thinkfavorite brand of clothing? i like to mostly shop from charity stores. otherwise romwe or boohoo. i dream of shopping at dollskillname a dog uhhhhh… brianwhat unusual talent do you have? i can watch grave of the fireflies without cryingwhat’s the most interesting schools gossip you’ve ever heard? um idk i dont wanna say like any Serious gossip so one time it was rumoured that my maths teacher and english teacher (both married to other people) were going to elopeever prank called a store? nope, is it recommended?what’s your coffee order? quite often I actually get the fruit ice drinks. otherwise it’ll be chai tea / english breakfast (with soya) or an iced coffee if im dieting hahawhat’s a question do you constantly get asked? why r u vegan, what food do you eat, is it hard being vegan, etc if it’s a stranger and they spot me eating. otherwise i probably get asked specifically abt movies or musicif you had to get a tattoo right now, what would you get and where? “man is least himself” from the oscar wilde quote that goes “man is least himself when he talks in his own person, give him a mask and he’ll tell you the truth” & id get it just above my elbow on my arm with the first two words above the second two wordsgoogle the top song from the year you were born (uk charts) who let the dogs out IMMMrant about your favorite musician duff mckagan fucking overcame fucking everything. hes a badass bass player & uhhh dm me if u want his tragic life story n how he inspires me what’s your favorite teacher you’ve ever had? she was called mrs miller and she taught history and she let me draw in felt tips in my workbook. also mr dalton taught me english and when we had classes where we were meant to read he let me write this shit ass book i wrote in 3 notebooks & also he marked my 6 page stories when he only asked us to write 1 page he was a mc legenddescribe your blog in 3-5 words pink bisexual hornywhat’s a conspiracy you believe in? i dont believe in any i dont think so i’m just gonna say marilyn manson got a rib removedif you could see any concert tonight what would you choose? nirvana if i could time travel, morrissey if notif you could break one of your bad habits which would you choose? id probs stop being so lazy & do more exercise & like work out and shitcan you dance? sing? kind of what’s something you can’t stop buying? movies and clothes hahacrowds or small groups? either a massive crowd or like max 2 friends is idealhow long before a trip do you pack? like the day before, panickingwhat celebrity would you rate a PERFECT 10? freddie foxwhat quote or inspirational setting do you think is bs? if u can dream it u can do it. or the ones abt how happiness is a choice if you had to dye your hair an unnatural color right now, what would you choose? pink, like darkish pastelyou can change one thing about your life right now. what are you changing? uhhh i can see my friends who live in other countries as often as i like.how old do you get mistaken for? like 16 phahahawhat do you think about a lot? my weight, my friends, moviesdo you like your hogwarts house or do you wish you were a different one? im slytherin and that’s awesome, obviouslywhat does home mean to you? my sisterwhat do you think you’d be arrested for? bein an annoyin lil bitchhave you ever been called down to the principals office? yeah, in primary school more than oncepost a picture of the outfit you would choose if you could have any outfit you wanted i cant post a picture but ive added a gif of it at the bottom (jennifer’s pink outfit in jennifer’s body)describe your aesthetic uhh depressed and pinkanswer with one of your ‘school memes’ (inside jokes you have with your class/grade) with no explanation fish

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carterashofficial · 6 years

Text

Thanks, Aearyn

@aearyn was so unbelievably kind to tag me for this

rules: answer these 85 questions and tag 20 people (ahaha no i wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy this took forever)

— what was your last…

1. drink: water. from the fridge. there might’ve been a dog hair in it because Scout and Abbey show their love through shedding. I didn’t care. 2. phone call: my old internship asking why I never got my w-2 form 3. text message: a coupon from World Market, if that counts. If not, i texted myself a spoiler for the kotfe fic so i don’t forget 4. song you listened to: Champion by Carrie Underwood b/c i love it and I NEED THE POSITIVITY 5. time you cried: UH... writing the kotfe fic. But i wasn’t actually crying. it was more like “im tearing up at this one scene b/c its breaking my heart”. Actual crying? been... so long i can’t remember.

— have you ever…

6. dated someone twice: ahahahhahahahahahaha.... ahahahhaha..... ahahahhahahahaha despite my best intentions, i’ve never dated anyone. I’ve been trying to change that. I want romance in my life. 7. kissed someone and regretted it: That would imply i’ve had my first kiss, and im 22 years old and still haven’t had it. APHRODITE WHY AM I SINGLE. I’M READY TO MINGLE 8. been cheated on: see above. Can’t be cheated on if you’ve never HAD A DATE 9. lost someone special: i would rather not consider this question, but Domino, Jewel, and my Grandma (all were very, very sudden and hit me like a bag of bricks). 10. been depressed: ha ha ha apparently i’ve had depression since i was 15. I was officially diagnoses in January of 2017 and have been on medication since. ahahaha 11. gotten drunk and thrown up: no I can barely get drunk even when i try, let alone enough for a damn hangover. Seriously. I can drink like Carmadda and not get drunk.

— fave colours

12. soft eggshell green 13. the blue at the edge of the horizon 14. metallic anything

— in the last year have you…

15. made new friends: ........yes? i think? 16. fallen out of love: ahahahahaha no b/c i’ve never been in love (in the romantic sense and that’s how im taking this) 17. laughed until you cried: always 18. found out someone was talking about you: in the worst of ways 19. met someone who changed you: yes 20. found out who your friends are: oooooh yes 21. kissed someone on your facebook friends list: never been kisses

— general

22. how many of your facebook friends do you know irl: all? how else do people find you on there? 23. do you have any pets: many. Scout, Abbey, the neon tetras (named the Heralds of Zildrog), my various shrimp, and Corypheus and Valkorian the golden inca snails 24. do you want to change your name: no, but i used to 25. what did you do for your last birthday: went bowling 26. what time did you wake up today: i woke up 3 times, once to Bug getting ready for school, then my mom asking if i opened the vitamins, then... i think 9 was when i finally crawled out 27. what were you doing at midnight last night: playing swtor or looking up some fresh and funky memes 28. what is something you can’t wait for: finished the next kotfe fic chapter and breaking everyone’s hearts. Or the next major expansion of SWTOR. I NEED ANOTHER CINEMATIC TRAILER LIKE GODDAMN 30. what are you listening to right now: nothing my house is silent and in the far, far distance, sometimes i can hear cars on the toll road 31. have you ever talked to a person named tom: i have an uncle named Tom. I have spoken with him. So Yes. 32. something that’s getting on your nerves: socialization. I can only take so much around others. If I was a Sim i’d have the lonely trait. 33. most visited website: Tumblr or my school’s student login page 34. hair colour: blonde/brown im really smack in-between and i just dye it lighter to make it blonde enough for me to be blonde 35. long or short hair: long. so long. down to my butt long 36. do you have a crush on someone: not sure. i like him, he’s funny and thinks im funny, and teases me back, but im shit at reading signs and far too much a coward to ask him out. I’m not sure. I had a major crush in high school that resulted in me falling in love with a guy but we never offically dated and then he crushed my heart. Long story. So i try to avoid crushes lest i break my heart again. 37. what do you like about yourself: bitch im fabulous 38. want any piercings: i got 3 in the lobes of each ear and cartilage in the left. If i get any more I think my mom would have a heart attack 39. blood type: ??????? no idea. I know my sister is O 40. nicknames: Milky (only drank milk as a kid, but this nickname has sorta phased away). Other nicknames give away my real name. But I do respond to my sister’s name. 41. relationship status: single and ready to flamingle 42. sign: Aquarius 43. pronouns: she/her 44. fave tv show: i literally can’t pick one b/c ive watched nearly every cop show on Netflix, including some that aren’t in english. All the cooking competitions i can find on Netflix and youtube, and im running out of TV to watch when i do art. Halp. 45. tattoos: Zero because my fatal fear is needles. 46. right or left handed: Left. left left left seriously i can.... maybe dip a french fry in ketchup with my right but that’s it 47: ever had surgery: wisdom teeth removed count? 48. piercings: 7 total in the ears and nothing else. 49. sport: I watch baseball and hockey (SPEAKING OF WHICH, GO DUCKS!). Used to play softball and some soccer. 50. vacation: if i can graduate a quarter early I want to go visit my family in florida and michigan 51. trainers: is... this british for shoes? i wear berkenstocks. only berkenstocks. because crocs are so comfortable but people judge. I also have hella wide feet where ever ‘wide’ shoes are too narrow. I can get by in Vans or my old old Nikes that i hardly ever wear

— more general

52. eating: whether or not if ketchup should go on it, ketchup is going on it. Unless if it’s breakfast food or desert. Breakfast food is my favorite and i could happily live off it it. 53. drinking: water, tea, juice, milk, Mike’s black cherry hard lemonade, monster energy drinks, RC Cola.... i drink a variety of things. Mostly water and tea. 54. i’m about to watch: i dont know I’VE RAN OUT OF THINGS TO WATCH ON NETFLIX 55. waiting for: myself to go out on a date and/or meet The Guy 56. want: many things. 57. get married: One day. 58. career: ssssssssttttttttttuuuuuuuuuudddddddeeeeeeennnnnnntttttttt

— which is better

59. hugs or kisses: i want both but maybe not from the same people. 60. lips or eyes: depends what each are doing tbh 61. shorter or taller: taller b/c im short and can’t reach the top shelf 62. older or younger: older but at this point im 22 and a lot of my classmates are 21 so like.... my generation. 63. nice arms or stomach: arms 64. hookup or relationships: relationships 65. troublemaker or hesitant: depends. like really depends. I’ll probalby go with troublemaker b/c they tend to be funny and on-the-spot and im a planner.

— have you ever

66. kissed a stranger: never kissed anyone..... ha ha ha 67. drank hard liquor: so yes. 68. turned someone down: ahahahhahahahaahaha haha ha. Actually yes I got asked to homecoming my senior year by this one dude who still gives me the creeps jsut tihnking about him. I politely said no. 69. sex on first date: never been on a date, never kissed anyone. Never ‘done the deed’. Would not do on the first date. 70: broken someone’s heart: uh my mom’s when I told her I had Depression and wanted to kill myself all throughout sophomore year highschool 71. had your heart broken: oh. Yes. 72. been arrested: no 73. cried when someone died: more like wailed loud enough that half the dorm floor heard 74. fallen for a friend: *side-eyes my sister* yeeees

— do you believe in

75. yourself: it varies over what. 76. miracles: I mean.... to an extent. 77. love at first sight: no 78. santa claus: I AM 22 YEARS OLD of course 79. angels: its complicated. my mom found a dead rat in our old house’s garage when i was 4-ish and all i remember crying for the dead rat when my dad tossed it in the garbage. My mom explained that an angel had already taken the rat’s soul to heaven. What did I picture the angel as? A carrot, wearing a tie, with mickey mouse-esque white gloves carrying a rat dramatically. This still haunts me.

— misc

80. eye colour: blue enough that you might drown in the ocean 81. best friend’s name: @athenascrown 82. favourite movie: if you think I can pick only one you’ve got another thing coming. but.... any star wars movie. If i had to pick one, Empire Strikes Back or Phantom Menace or The Last Jedi.... or Rogue One.... or Revenge of the Sith... 83. favourite actor: The guy who played the stormtrooper who hits his head on the door in Ep 4 84. favourite cartoon: the old Ducktales was a childhood favorite 85. favourite teacher’s name: I don’t want to put her name out here but she was my art teacher all through high school and she is one of the kindest souls ive ever met and if it wasn’t for her, i wouldn’t have gotten back into art

because this post took 5ever im not tagging anyone but if you want to do it, just say I tagged you and I’ll say i did

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ottergf · 6 years

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1-20 for the lesbian asks

ty aubren ilysm!!!!!!

1.Femme or butch?

neither!!

2. Do you have a “type”? If so, describe it

i dont really have a type tbh?? though i guess i find myself more attracted to girls big personalities and who are easy conversationalists/make an effort to keep up the conversation

3. Plaid button-ups or leather jackets?

god both..... lmao for style i like leather jackets but for comfort the plaid....

4. Describe your style

i wear really any combination of leggings/jeans with a tshirt and a jacket

5. Describe your aesthetic

early summer vibes, driving down an empty highway at night w the windows down, impromptu dance parties with friends

6. Favorite article of clothing?

my red leather jacket but its falling apart and idk where to get another one for cheap CRY

7. Favorite pair of shoes?

i had these really cute navy blue ankle boots w floral embroidery but I CANT FIND THEM im so mad

8. Current haircut?

just like... shoulder length brown hair lmao

9. Any haircut goals for the future?

for a while i wanted to work up the nerve to shave my head lol but after i got a side shave a few years back and saw how much of a pain in the ass it was to grow it out i dont think i will

10. Describe the best date you’ve been on

tbh my rabb.it dates with lj are so much fun i love flirting and watching movies in the comfort of my own home skfhdghs

11. Describe the worst date you’ve been on

dkjfgljh i went on this one date in the beginning of the school year and it was so awkward bc i had to carry the whole damn conversation bc she wouldnt say ANYTHING she just like stared at me and it was really uncomfortable and when ppl dont do their part to carry a convo thats like... a huge pet peeve for me lmao

12. Single? Taken?

taken!!!!

13. If taken, talk about your girlfriend/wife!

lj is the sweetest, most caring person i’ve ever known. shes so easy to talk to and laugh with and i seriously think we could talk for hours and hours on end like when we do our phone calls minutes and hours go by so quickly lol. shes honest and tough and capable even tho i dont think she gives herself enough credit for what she puts up with and shes so fucking smart she amazes me every single day

14. If single, what are you looking for in a potential girlfriend/wife?

not single! ;)

15. Describe your dream wedding

i want a rly small wedding tbh, but i know realistically small weddings are hard to do lmao. really my only requirement for what i want our wedding to look like is 1) for it to be outside and 2) i get most of the say in flower arrangements lmao (my dream is to like... make all the flower arrangements myself but i know i wont have time for that pfft)

16. Do you want kids?

ok ill be 100% honest the idea of having kids rn or in the next like... 5-10 ish years scares me to no end but i absolutely want to adopt or become a foster parent sometime in the future

17. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live?

ive always had big dreams of living in a mountain range and the adirondacks or the smokey mountains are goddamn beautiful... but i also know i would def tire of that isolation lol so tbh id probably thrive best living in a spacious area but within like an hours drive from a big city??? who knows theres so many fantasies about this q that ive got goin on in my head lmao

18. Favorite lesbian movie?

i just watched princess cyd recently and i love it a lot!!! but ill also always have such a soft spot in my heart for but im a cheerleader god....

19. Favorite lesbian novel/story?

i dont really read romance novels lol, and its so hard to find books w lesbians where romance is not the main plot of the novel so :/// ive heard good things abt Ash but im still tryna get my hands on it!!!

20. Favorite lesbian song?

yall know im a hayley kiyoko bitch..... the video for girls like girls still wrenches my heart every time

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bronzeflower · 6 years

Text

Who The Fuck Writes A Ten-Page Rant?????

Chapter 11: Matesprits and Moirails

Also on ao3

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] --

CG: ROSE.

TT: And who might this be?

CG: THIS IS KARKAT. CG: DAVE GAVE ME YOUR CHUMHANDLE.

TT: And what caused you to contact me on this lovely day.

CG: DAVE TOLD ME THAT YOU WERE FREAKING OUT ABOUT KANAYA’S BIRTHDAY AND NEGLECTED TO CONTACT YOUR’S TRULY FOR ADVICE.

TT: Ah. TT: Believe me, I have everything under control.

CG: ARE YOU SURE? CG: BECAUSE DAVE WAS KIND OF WORRIED ABOUT YOU.

TT: Dave? Worried?

CG: YES.

TT: You know I jest, correct? TT: Dave is always worried, but he hides that worry under shades and a poker face.

CG: DAVE HAS THE WORST POKER FACE I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE. CG: HE’S EASIER TO READ THAN JOHN, AND THAT GUY PRACTICALLY WEARS HIS HEART ON HIS SLEEVE.

TT: I think that may be more due to the fact that you spend so much time with him rather than Dave having a horrible poker face.

CG: THAT MAY BE TRUE, BUT WE AREN’T HERE TO BLABBER ON AND GOSSIP ABOUT DAVE THIS ENTIRE TIME. CG: WE’RE HERE BECAUSE DAVE EXPRESSED THAT YOU MIGHT REQUIRE MY EXPERTISE.

TT: And what kind of expertise would that be?

CG: ROSE, YOU’VE KNOWN ME FOR HOW FUCKING LONG? CG: AND YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT MY EXPERTISE IS IN?

TT: I have known you for several weeks, and I still do not know.

CG: ROMANCE, ROSE. ROMANCE. CG: I AM A CERTIFIED EXPERT IN ROMANCE. CG: AND, BASED ON WHAT LITTLE DAVE TOLD ME, YOU NEED HELP GETTING A GIFT FOR KANAYA. CG: IT DOESN’T EVEN HAVE TO BE ANYTHING BIG. CG: YOU CAN LITERALLY JUST USE ME AS A SOUNDING BOARD, AND I CAN TELL YOU HOW MUCH KANAYA WOULD LOVE A CERTAIN GIFT.

TT: I… TT: I suppose I could let you offer help.

CG: I GUESS THAT’S THE BEST I’M GOING TO GET OUT OF YOU. CG: WHAT WERE YOU PLANNING TO GET HER?

TT: A handmade scarf with some crochet flowers sewed onto it. TT: In hindsight, it is rather embarrassing to say that out loud. TT: Maybe I should try doing something else.

CG: ROSE. CG: ROSE. CG: I’M GOING TO NEED YOU TO LISTEN TO ME FOR A QUICK MINUTE. CG: JUST, TAKE A MOMENT TO BREATHE. CG: IN, OUT, IN, OUT. CG: FORGET ANY AND ALL WORRIES ABOUT EVERYTHING. CG: NOW, LISTEN TO ME. CG: YOUR IDEA WAS FANTASTIC, AND I CAN’T CONCEIVABLY UNDERSTAND WHY YOU WOULD WANT TO SCRAP SUCH A GREAT IDEA. CG: FUCK THE PART OF YOUR BRAIN SAYING THAT WAS A BAD IDEA. CG: IT’S IDIOTIC AND STUPID, AND YOU SHOULD REFUSE TO LISTEN TO IT.

TT: I don’t believe it is that simple to merely turn off that part of your brain.

CG: WELL, WHY DON’T YOU LET MY WORDS SOOTH YOUR MIND AND SOUL? CG: I, KANAYA’S MOIRAIL, AND THEREFORE THE INDIVIDUAL WHO KNOWS KANAYA THE BEST, AM TELLING YOU RIGHT FUCKING NOW THAT KANAYA WILL LOVE WHATEVER GIFT YOU GIVE HER. CG: SHE WILL ALSO LOVE GETTING A HOMEMADE SCARF. CG: I HAVE NEVER MET A SINGLE PERSON MORE APPRECIATIVE OF HANDMADE THINGS THAN KANAYA. CG: I GUARANTEE SHE WILL LOVE IT WITH ALL HER HEART. CG: HAS THIS HELPED YOU AT ALL?

TT: … TT: You know what? TT: It actually has. TT: I appreciate your help, Karkat.

CG: IT WAS A PLEASURE.

TT: I apologize for asking this, but would you go to the knitting store with me? TT: I want to find the right kind of yarn to use for the scarf.

CG: SURE, I’LL GO WITH YOU. CG: WHERE DO YOU LIVE? I’LL PICK YOU UP.

Once you had successfully secured Rose’s address, you went there to pick up Rose. She got out of her place and into your car.

“Okay, so you’re going to have to tell me where the fuck we are going to go because I have never been to a single knitting store in my lifetime. Fabric stores? Sure! I can navigate anyone to any fabric store in the entire goddamn town. I can also tell them which ones are full of shit and which ones are actually decent. But, knitting stores? That is out of my jurisdiction.”

“Take a right at the next intersection, and then you go straight before taking the first left you see. There will be a parking lot with a bunch of craft stores nearby.” Rose explained.

When you get to the knitting store, you are somehow surprised at the amount of yarn in it.

There are so many kinds of yarn. Thin yarn, thick yarn, colorful yarn, scratchy yarn, soft yarn, yarn in balls, yarn in these weird oblong shapes, gradient yarn. You were pretty glad it wasn’t you who was trying to find a specific material to use to make a scarf or sweater or something because you were pretty sure that you would have absolutely no idea what to do or even where to start.

Instead, Rose wondered around the store, while you stared at various objects. Like yarn. So much yarn. Who even needs this many types of goddamn yarn.

Eventually, you got to the point where you gave up attempting to help Rose find yarn and went to a box of clearance yarn to feel the yarn and squish the yarn balls.

Rose comes up to you with various things of yarn.

“Karkat, I request your assistance. I would like to know what kind of material Kanaya would like the best.”

“I’ll try, but, like I said earlier, I only have any sort of prowess when it comes to fabrics.”

“You can tell me what colors to use for the scarf. I was thinking of using this gradient yarn for the scarf.” She hands you some yarn that is several shades of green. “Do you have any advice for what color to use for the flowers?”

“I would use lavender for the flowers.” You decide. “A lot of trolls wear the color of their quadrantmates as a way of telling everyone who they’re with. Usually, it’s the blood color, but humans only have one blood color. You do type in lavender though, and trolls have the habit of hemotyping, so, at this point, I kind of associate the color with you, and I’m sure that Kanaya does too.”

“Oh.” Rose blushed and chose out some lavender yarn. She also grabbed a few more of the green, gradient yarn. Once she bought all the yarn she wanted to buy, the two of you returned to your car.

You drive Rose back to her house, but, before she goes, she turns to you.

“Thank you, Karkat. For going to the knitting store with me.”

“It wasn’t really any big deal. I mean, I barely did anything.”

“I still appreciate it.”

Rose left, and you just drove back home.

What to do. You guess you could troll Aradia for the first time in years. It would be nice to hear from her again.

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling apocalypseArisen [AA] --

CG: I CAN’T BELIEVE NEITHER OF US BOTHERED TO CONTACT EACH OTHER FOR YEARS. CG: HOW HAVE YOU BEEN DOING? CG: DAVE TELLS ME THAT YOU’VE BEEN DOING ARCHEOLOGY. CG: THAT’S PRETTY COOL. CG: OH YEAH, THIS IS KARKAT BY THE WAY. IN CASE YOU DIDN’T RECOGNIZE MY HANDLE.

AA: hello karkat! AA: its very nice to hear from you again

CG: HOLY SHIT. CG: YOU DON’T PUT ZEROS FOR O’S ANYMORE.

AA: yes it is quite the development AA: you still type in all caps

CG: AND I STILL HAVE NO VOLUME CONTROL. BIG WHOOP.

AA: the amount of swearing you do seems to have lessened as well

CG: I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT I AM A MATURE ADULT WHO IS FULLY AWARE THAT ONE DOES NOT NEED TO SWEAR TO LAY DOWN AN INSULT THAT IS GUARANTEED TO BURN AT THE HIGHEST DEGREE POSSIBLE

AA: people still tell you that you swear too much dont they

CG: YEAH. CG: I’M PRETTY MUCH USED TO IT BY THIS POINT THOUGH. CG: ONCE I SAID HELL IN FRONT OF THIS LADY, AND SHE CLUTCHED AT HER CHEST LIKE I WAS LUCIFER HIMSELF. CG: I INFORMED HER THAT I WAS, IN FACT, A DEMON SENT BY SATAN HIMSELF THAT WAS THERE TO BRING CHAOS, DESTRUCTION, AND SIN UPON THE WORLD ONE CURSE WORD AT A TIME.

AA: did you really

CG: NO. CG: IN REALITY, I IGNORED HER AND WENT ON WITH THE REST OF MY LIFE.

AA: that was very mature of you

CG: YEAH, WELL. CG: I’M NOT IN MIDDLE SCHOOL ANYMORE. CG: I’VE LEARNED THAT I SHOULD CHOOSE MY BATTLES VERY CAREFULLY.

AA: that sounds fake but ok

CG: WOW, RUDE. CG: I AM TOTALLY CAPABLE OF FIGURING OUT WHAT BATTLES I SHOULD AND SHOULD NOT FIGHT. CG: FUCK YOU. CG: BUT IN ALL SERIOUSNESS, I AM GETTING BETTER AT IT. CG: BY THE WAY, I ALSO HEARD THAT YOU WERE DATING SOLLUX? CG: HOW’S THAT SHITHEAD TREATING YOU.

AA: speaking that sollux and i have been in a committed relationship for several years AA: really well

CG: HOLY SHIT. CG: SOLLUX COMPLETELY NEGLECTED TO TELL ME ANY OF THIS. CG: WHAT ABOUT YOUR OTHER QUADRANTS?

AA: ive only really filled the one quadrant AA: its difficult to find someone who would be willing to go out with someone who they are unable to contact for months at a time

CG: I GUESS THAT WOULD PUT A DAMPER ON THINGS.

AA: what about you AA: are you still moirails with gamzee

CG: *GOD* NO. CG: WE BROKE UP A LONG ASS TIME AGO. CG: MY MOIRAIL IS KANAYA NOW.

AA: i bet that nepeta was both disappointed and excited at that

CG: I THINK AT SOME POINT SHE RECOGNIZED THAT GAMZEE AND I WEREN’T VERY GOOD FOR EACH OTHER AND UPDATED HER SHIPPING WALL WITH THAT KNOWLEDGE, SO SHE WASN’T NEARLY AS DISAPPOINTED AS SHE WOULD HAVE BEEN HAD WE BROKEN UP WHILE OUR RELATIONSHIP WAS STILL PRETTY HEALTHY. CG: ACTUALLY, NO. CG: IT WASN’T A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP FOR EITHER GAMZEE OR ME, AND I’M GLAD WE WERE BOTH MATURE ENOUGH TO REALIZE THAT.

AA: it sounds like you have a lot of experience dealing with pale romance now AA: what about your other quadrants

CG: EMPTY. CG: NO ONE REALLY WANTS TO DATE SOMEONE WHO VACILLATES LIKE A FUCKING MADMAN TO THE POINT OF IT NOT ACTUALLY BEING VACILLATING ANYMORE. CG: IT JUST BECOMES A WEIRD SORT OF MESS OF FEELINGS THAT CAN’T REALLY BE ORGANIZED INTO THE CATEGORIES OF RED OR BLACK ANYMORE.

AA: i guess we are both in similar boats of not being able to date because of our respective circumstances

CG: YEAH. CG: … CG: YOU SOUND LIKE A VILLAIN.

AA: how so

CG: THE ENTIRE “YOU AND I ARE THE SAME” TROPE THING THAT VILLAINS IN MOVIES AND TELEVISION SHOWS DO A LOT.

AA: i suppose so AA: certainly not the worse thing to be told that i sound like AA: but karkat AA: i have something to ask you AA: youre still a self proclaimed romantic master correct

CG: YOU BET YOUR BOTTOM DOLLAR I AM. CG: WHAT DO YOU NEED? CG: I’LL HELP YOU FREE OF CHARGE.

AA: i sorry to ask you something like this when our first time talking in a long time AA: but not many of the people that i know and talk to have any sort of knowledge about romance AA: particularly pale romance

CG: GO ON.

AA: im pale for someone

CG: NO SHIT, SHERLOCK. CG: I THINK I KNOW WHO IT IS, BUT TELL ME WHO IT IS ANYWAY.

AA: its dave AA: i dont even know if he does quadrants or anything like that AA: but i wanted to ask you if you knew how i could best ask him out

CG: ARADIA, THIS IS MY ADVICE TO YOU. CG: BE AS BLUNT AS POSSIBLE AND DON’T BEAT AROUND THE BUSH. CG: I HAVEN'T KNOWN DAVE FOR LONG, BUT WHAT I KNOW ABOUT HIM IS THAT HE’S AS OBLIVIOUS AS A BRICK FUCKING WALL.

AA: so just go for it

CG: YEAH.

AA: thanks for the advice! AA: sorry to cut this conversation short but if i have to do this while im feeling motivated to

-- apocalypseArisen [AA] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] --

You figure you should probably leave both Aradia and Dave alone for a while, so you decide to spend some time reading an old romance novel that you’ve had in your collection for years.

You’ve probably read this book a thousand times, and you practically know the words by heart. It’s your favorite one because of the complex quadrant vacillation included in the story, and the romance was much better done than in most romance novels you’ve read.

It was about the main character, Epiciu Goshum, a blue blood who became flushed for a jade blood despite their moirailship with a purple blood. Meanwhile, they also struggled with their moirailship with another blue blood, a morailship that soon dissolved. With the dissolution of the morailship, Epiciu soon finds themself pale for both a yellow blood and a rust blood, feelings that they struggle with because of their status in society.

Oddly enough, it was one of the few troll romances that focused more on red romance than black romance. While there was some black romance and vacillation, the majority of the story had feelings that showcased the complex dimensions of emotions directed towards a singular individual, which might have been part of why this was your favorite story.

Anyway, in the end, Epiciu ends up with both the jade and purple blood in a polyamorous flushed relationship, which was something that sounded like a bad idea, but the sequels to the book showed that it ended up being perfectly healthy.

As for their pale interests, they ended up only becoming moirails with the yellow blood, but they did become very good friends with the rust blood, and they ended up becoming an activist for blood color equality.

While there were sequels to the book focusing more on the actual relationships the protagonist was in, something you appreciated because of the way most romance novels ended when the protagonist and the love interest got together, the first book had always been your favorite.

You get maybe a quarter way through the book before you find that someone has started trolling you.

At first, you thought it was going to be Aradia messaging you back about how asking out Dave went, but, to your surprise, it ended up being Sollux.

-- twinArmageddons [TA] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] --

TA: KK TA: ii need two a2k you 2omethiing

CG: WHAT IS IT?

TA: ok 2o dont freak out but iim planniing on proposiing to AA

CG: WOAH, WOAH, WOAH, HOLD UP CG: YOU’RE GOING TO FUCKING PROPOSE? CG: HOW LONG HAVE THE TWO OF YOU BEEN DATING?

TA: KK ii told you not to freak out TA: but yeah iim goiing to propose TA: ii’ve programmed a viideo game about fiindiing artiifacts and 2tuff for her TA: and the fiinal level has the fo22iil2 2pelliing out that ii want two marry her

CG: THAT’S ABSOLUTELY ADORABLE, AND I’M REALLY HAPPY FOR YOU. CG: HOWEVER, AT THE SAME TIME, I’M PISSED THAT YOU DIDN’T TELL ME YOU WERE DATING HER SOONER CG: I LITERALLY LEARNED YOU WERE DATING HER TODAY FROM HER CG: AND THE ONLY REASON I TALKED TO HER WAS BECAUSE DAVE OF ALL PEOPLE KNEW HER FROM COLLEGE OR WHATEVER CG: AND I HADN’T TALKED TO HER IN FUCKING YEARS

TA: wow ii’m 2urprii2ed you only u2ed one cur2e word

CG: OKAY, WOW. CG: FUCK YOU.

TA: ii thought you in2ult2 were more creatiive than that, a22hole

CG: MY INSULTS ARE PLENTY CREATIVE, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. CG: I JUST DIDN’T FEEL LIKE WASTING MY CREATIVITY ON YOU.

TA: ii’m hurt KK ii really am

CG: SUCK IT UP

TA: anyway ii need 2omeone two te2t my game out who i2n’t me two tell me iif there are any bug2 or whatever that iive overlooked

CG: I’LL NEED TO KNOW TWO THINGS BEFORE I AGREE TO THIS: HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN DATING ARADIA, AND HOW LONG WILL THE GAME TAKE TO PLAY?

TA: we’ve been datiing for a few year2 and the game wiill probably take about an hour or two dependiing on how much you take your tiime

CG: ALSO, IS THERE ANY PARTICULAR REASON THAT YOU’RE CHOOSING ME OF ALL PEOPLE TO REVIEW THE GAME?

TA: ii don’t really talk to many other people and you’re the 2uppo2ed “kiing of romance”

CG: ALRIGHT, I’LL PLAY THE GAME. CG: SEND ME THE LINK OR WHATEVER YOU NEED TO SEND ME IN ORDER TO TEST THE GAME.

TA: yeah here you go TA: (link to game) TA: tell me any problem2 you miight have

CG: WILL DO.

TA: thank2

-- twinArmageddons [TA] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] --

You click on the link to the game, trusting that Sollux didn’t just send you a virus and began playing.

It was actually a pretty well-made game with Aradia shown as the sprite, and each time you found a fossil, a message box popped up talking about what a great job you did. All of the messages talked about how much Sollux loved Aradia, and it was honestly sickeningly sweet.

It really only took you an hour to play, and the final ending honestly made you tear up with how open and honest Sollux ended up being in his proposal, and you immediately messaged him the moment you finished the game.

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling twinArmageddons [TA] --

CG: SHE’S GOING TO FUCKING LOVE IT. CG: SHIT, FUCK, I’M CRYING. CG: YOU BETTER INVITE ME TO THE WEDDING, ASSHOLE.

TA: 2o no bug2 found?

CG: NO, IT WAS PERFECT, AND I DIDN’T KNOW YOU COULD BE THAT SAPPY AND ROMANTIC.

TA: yeah yeah shut up there2 no need to announce iit two the world

CG: THAT’S LITERALLY WHAT MARRYING SOMEONE IS FOR, BUT OKAY.

TA: iim goiing to do a few more ediits before 2endiing iit two her but iim defiiniitely doiing iit 2oon

CG: I’M JUST SO HAPPY FOR YOU. CG: LIKE HOLY SHIT; I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU’RE GETTING MARRIED!

TA: diid you ju2t u2e a 2emiicolon

CG: I DON’T NEED YOUR JUDGEMENT FOR WHAT KIND OF PUNCTUATION I USE. CG: IT’S NOT MY FAULT THAT YOU DON’T KNOW HOW TO USE A SEMICOLON.

TA: ii know how to u2e a 2emiicolon but iim not enough of a nerd to u2e them

CG: YOU LITERALLY DESIGNED A VIDEO GAME TO PROPOSE TO YOUR GIRLFRIEND. CG: YOU ARE JUST AS MUCH OF A NERD AS I AM.

TA: yeah but ii’m a cool nerd

CG: DON’T THINK I WON’T FIGHT YOU!!!

TA: aha good luck wiith that

-- twinArmageddons [TA] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] --

CG: HEY! CG: GET BACK HERE SO I CAN FIGHT YOU!!!

But Sollux was gone. Whatever. You didn’t really care as long of you were invited to the wedding. You would probably actually fight Sollux if he didn’t invite you because that would be a real dick move.

You may or may not be salty about the one time someone didn’t invite you to their wedding. But you wouldn’t name names.

You get back to your book, and you actually get pretty far before being trolled again. This time, it was Aradia.

-- apocalypseArisen [AA] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] --

AA: karkat! AA: thanks for your advice!!!

CG: ARE YOU MOIRAILS WITH DAVE NOW?

AA: yeah!!!

CG: I’M SUPER HAPPY FOR YOU!!!

AA: yeah im glad we got that sorted out AA: it took a while to iron out the details and stuff but weve basically established our moirailship AA: but yeah you were right i did have to be very blunt AA: which i should have maybe known since ive known him for longer but you know what they say AA: hindsight is twenty twenty

CG: THAT’S A REALLY WEIRD PHRASE.

AA: it is AA: i wonder where it came from AA: … AA: hindsight means thinking about things after theyve happened and twenty twenty refers to perfect eyesight AA: which in hindsight makes it pretty obvious

CG: A LITTLE BIT, YEAH.

AA: well i should get going! AA: i need to pack for the next trip im going on!

CG: GOOD LUCK! CG: I HOPE YOU HAVE A GOOD TIME.

AA: i always do! AA: ill be sure to troll you when i can

-- apocalypseArisen [AA] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] --

-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] --

TG: holy shit karkat youll never guess what just happened

CG: I’M GOING TO GUESS THAT YOU BECAME OFFICIAL MOIRAILS WITH ARADIA.

TG: shit howd you know TG: did ara already tell you TG: you already had a sick ass convo with her

CG: I HAVE.

TG: awesome TG: well i was just here to drop the news on your fine ass TG: i mean TG: you know what TG: fuck it TG: you do have a nice ass but forget i said that TG: i was here to give you the official dave strider seal that ara and i are now rails but i guess youve already got a hold of that sweet info so im gonna ollie out of here k TG: got others to bless this information with TG: dont be stranger

CG: I WOULD NEVER DREAM OF IT.

TG: awesome cool right message you later karkat bro

-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] --

You basically spend the rest of the day reading your favorite series. Thank god for days off.

#davekat #arasol #aradave #homestuck #karkat vantas #dave strider #aradia megido #sollux captor #rose lalonde #rosemary #pesterlogs

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notalk-justthought · 6 years

Note

all

oh geez scoobert

1. Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it? -im pretty sure my mom meant it

2. Would you date an 18-year-old at the age you are now? -preferably, no…

3. When’s the last time you were aggravated and happy at the same time? -idk

4. Would you ever smile at a stranger? -yeah!

5. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are? -don’t think so my dude

6. Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today? -uhh no?

7. What exactly are you wearing right now? -black jeans, black and white shirt, black and white flannel (so a gay emo)

8. How often do you listen to music? -everyday (*Everyday from hsm2 plays*)

9. Do you wear jeans or sweats more? -jeans, tho I wish i had more sweats

10. Do you think your life will change dramatically before 2013? -it actually did… not in the best way but ive resolved that now

11. Are you a social or an antisocial person? -uhh both? idk

12. Have you ever kissed someone whose name begins with the letter ‘A’? -nope never kissed anyone (but i wanna)

13. What about ‘R’? -nope

14. Can you drive a stick shift? -i havent driven a car in over a year

15. Do you care if people talk badly about you? -kinda, but i’d rather not hear it

16. Are you going out of town soon? -uhhh no

17. When was the last time you cried? -i cant remember

18. Have you ever told someone you loved them? -not in a romantic way, but family/platonic way, hell yeah

19. If you could change your eye color, would you? -no, i like my brown eyes

20. Is there a boy who you would do absolutely everything for? -ha no

21. Name something you dislike about the day you’re having. -uh idk its been pretty good

22. Is it cute when guys kiss you on your forehead? -yeah (also girls)

23. Are you dating the last person you talked to? -nope

24. What are you sitting on right now? -a swivel chair

25. Does anyone regularly (other than family) tell you they love you? -no

26. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have? -yeah

27. Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night? -…uh either Erica or Alex… i cant remember

28. Do you get a lot of colds? -no, i get a cold like once a year

29. Where is the shirt you are wearing from? -uniclo

30. Does anyone hate you? -i dont think so? idk

31. Do you have any empty alcohol bottles hidden somewhere in your room? -nope

32. Do you like watching scary movies? -YES

33. Do you want your tongue pierced? -hm no

34. If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be? -….idk 2017? that was a year for me

35. Did you have a dream last night? -already answered

36. When was the last time you told someone you loved them? -like 2 hours ago to my mom

37. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years? -nope

38. Do you think someone has feelings for you? -i dont think so but who knows

39. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now? (X) Doubt

40. Did you have a good day yesterday? -yeah

41. Think back 2 months ago; were you in a relationship? -nope

42. In the next 48 hours, will you hang out with a girl? -not like a date, but just chillin yeah

43. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you? -…maybe? idk

44. What’s the best part about school? -highschool, not much. college, do things without asking, you can just do it

45. Do you have any pictures on your Facebook? -yeah

46. Do you ever pass notes to your friends in school? -no

47. Do you replay things that have happened in your head? -yeah

48. Were you single over the last summer? -Oh yeah

49. Is your life anything like it was two years ago? -barely

50. What are you supposed to be doing right now? -nothing really

51. Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with? -no

52. Are you nice to everyone? -yeah

53. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to? -there’s at least five people i liked i didnt think i would

54. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat? -yeah, cheating is a shit thing to do my dudes, don’t fuckin do it

55. Are you good at hiding your feelings? -more or less

56. Do you think you like someone? -not currently,,, i dont think…??

57. Have you kissed someone whose name starts with a ‘J’? -no

58. Do you prefer to be friends with girls or boys? -both, but it’s been a while since i’ve been good friends with a guy…

59. Has anyone of your friends ever seen you cry? -when i was like 7

60. Do you hate anyone? -eh idk if i hate him but i wouldn’t want to talk to him now

61. How’s your heart? -already answered

62. Is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about? -yeah

63. Have you ever cried over a guy? -maybe?

64. Who is probably talking a load of crap about you right now? -idk

65. Are your toenails painted pink? -nope

66. Will your next kiss be a mistake? -hope no

67. Girls love it when boyfriends cry; correct? -i dont want anyone to cry unless it’s happy crying

68. Have your pants ever fallen down in public? -no

69. Who was the last person you were on the phone with? -my mom

70. How do you look right now? -uh probably tired

71. Do you have someone you can be your complete self around? -uh idk,,,

72. Can you commit to one person? -yeah

73. Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to? -hmm no

74. Have you ever felt replaced? -yeah

75. Did you wake up cranky? -no

76. Are you a jealous person? -i can be

77. Are relationships ever worth it? -im sure they can be

78. Anyone you’re giving up on? -no

79. Currently wanting to see anyone? -i wanna see Daria, i miss her!! also my cat Ti

80. Name something you have to do tomorrow? -finish coding a thing for my comp sci class

81. Last person you cried in front of? -uhhhhhh dunno

82. Is there someone you will never forget? -well im currently forgetting everyone that i know so ummm …yeah

83. Do you think the person you have feelings for is protective of you? -i dont like anyone

84. If the person you wish to be with were with you, what would you be doing right now? -laying on the floor looking at the ceiling and talking about something or on our phones and enjoying each other’s company

85. Are you over your past? -eh more or less

86. Have you ever liked one of your best friends of the opposite sex? -once upon a time….

87. Is there anyone you can tell EVERYTHING to? -no

88. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept? -okay idk if he would be my first love and if so, definitely not

89. So, the last person you kissed just happens to arrive at your door at 3AM; do you let them in? -so no one?

90. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated? -no

91. Will you be in a relationship in 2 months? -who knows my dude

92. Is there anyone you know with the name Michael? -uh this one guy at the summer camp i volunteered at

93. Have you ever kissed a Matthew? -nope

94. Were you in a relationship in January? How was it going? -nah brah

95. Were you happy with the person you liked in March? -have i liked anyone this month? idk

96. Don’t tell me lies, is the last person you texted attractive? -Erica is gayly attractive *wink wonk*

97. Who do you have texts from? -A fair amount of people..

98. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say? - “oh nice!”

99. Have you ever kissed someone older than you? -no ;-;

100. Who’s in your profile picture with you? -whomst?

101. Ever kissed under fireworks? -no fireaughreia BIRTHDAY GOALS

102. Has anybody ever given you butterflies? -yeah

#ask #one-for-all-plus-ultra

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jasonblossomsghost · 6 years

Note

0-44 please :)

0: Heighti’m 5′3 :)

1: Age182: Shoe sizeUS men’s 5, US women’s 6-7 (if anyone wants to buy me some new adidas i like the white and black classics)3: Do you smoke?my asthmatic ass? i think not4: Do you drink?nope5: Do you take drugs?i’ve considered it but nah6: Age you get mistaken fordepends but usually 13-15 7: Have tattoos?ya i got a temporary one on my shoulder its lit8: Want any tattoos?in the future probably but idk i dont like the idea of permanence

9: Got any piercings?not even my ears10: Want any piercings?not really. im not a fan of jewelry11: Best friend?her name is mady and i love her12: Relationship statussingle but with a toxic pissbaby clinging to my leg13: Biggest turn onspassion, talent, thermodynamic equilibrium/always warm (im a cold hoe), funny, smart, honest, loyal, etc etc14: Biggest turn offsexcessive jealousy (like a lil jealousy can be cute but if ur up my ass constantly i feel like u dont trust me ygm?), dishonesty, codependency, infidelity15: Favorite movieScott Pilgrim vs. The World16: I’ll love you if...you’re nice to me and hold my hand17: Someone you missnot to be gay but i havent seen mady in like a week so i miss her a lil bit18: Most traumatic experiencemy first memory is a grown man almost suffocating me so probably that lmao19: A fact about your personalityi’m a fucking disaster but at peace with it20: What I hate most about myselfi don’t value my own needs as much as i should21: What I love most about myselfmy sense of humor tbh. multiple people have told me theyve gotten funnier just being around me and it makes me feel good22: What I want to be when I get olderi plan on being a lawyer but i just wanna be financially stable, in love, and happy23: My relationship with my sibling(s)i’ve got 7 lmao. my relationship with my oldest sister is nonexistent, with the second oldest sister its just awkward, my older brother is a nazi so i fkn hate him, i constantly fight with my sister whos a year older, i parent my little sister while she calls me a bitch/cunt/twat, and i dont have a relationship with my two younger brothers24: My relationship with my parent(s)dont have one with my dad. my mom and i have a Not So Good relationship where she yells at me for no reason then feels guilty but instead of saying sorry just lets me leave the house25: My idea of a perfect datei havent been on a date in so long honestly someone take me out but anyway, breakfast at my favorite restaurant (its a vegan/gluten free place and ya boi has a lot of food intolerances but it also has really beautiful art and a garden) then going to a museum or my favorite bookstore. also maybe a park at some point?? idk if i love the person they could take me grocery shopping and id be happy26: My biggest pet peeveslying, cheating (on partners, not tests), and people who dont understand personal space27: A description of the girl/boy I likei could describe the person i unfortunately like but ill discuss him in 28 so have a description of the boy i have a small crush on instead. his name is Sam and hes super nice??? and smart??? and really funny??? but also so talented at music like the second i heard him sing i was in Love. i made him a present (it was just a dumb joke not like an actual present) on the last day of the semester and he decided to skip that day. i texted him and he deadass showed up to school just for me??? i was honestly dazed for the rest of the day28: A description of the person I dislike the mostlike i said, i unfortunately like him. hes at least borderline emotionally abusive and generally makes me feel shitty. hes hot tho /:29: A reason I’ve lied to a friendi’ve been trying to be really honest but ?? maybe so they wont worry about me?? idk30: What I hate the most about work/schooljust the stress tbh31: What my last text message says“be busy during that time” (from Mady about avoiding the guy from 28)32: What words upset me the mosthonestly just anything thats needlessly negative??? like idk life is too short to be an asshole the whole time33: What words make me feel the best about myselfwhen anyone compliments me tbh like if youve ever complimented me i love you34: What I find attractive in womentheir smiles and eyes and just how nice they are??? they always look cute?? and its fucking magical?? fuck dude girls are amazing. also like physically i appreciate nice thighs tbh like,,, damn35: What I find attractive in menwith guys tbh if they can make me laugh and are genuinely nice people im !! if they give nice hugs its a bonus. also its stereotypical af but tall boys are So Nice (like everyones tall to me tho so im not talking strictly 6 ft+)

36: Where I would like to liveCali maybe?? idk just a place where i feel safe being who i am37: One of my insecuritiesuntil July i was overweight like my whole life and recently ive been gaining and losing weight like crazy so just how much i weigh i guess?? idk like i Know it doesnt matter but it Does38: My childhood career choicei wanted to be a teacher or psychologist39: My favorite ice cream flavorprobably birthday cake tbh40: Who I wish I could behonestly i just wanna be me but happy41: Where I want to be right nowat a park maybe with a nice human42: The last thing I atefruit snacks43: Sexiest person that comes to my mind immediatelyLaverne Cox44: A random fact about anythinguh i keep a poetry journal that i write in almost daily

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fatgumtouille · 6 years

Note

all the creepy shit, i dare you to answer all of it

MATT PLEASE omg ok

1. Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it?

idk who I said it to tbh??? probably @trenazlore and YES I LOVE HER SO MUCH !!

2. Would you date an 18-year-old at the age you are now?

NO OH MY GOD IM JUST AN OLD GRANDMOTHER

3. When’s the last time you were aggravated and happy at the same time?

always ???? I mean like lately people have been really nice to me and Im happy because wow!! you like me!! also Im aggro because I hate me lol

4. Would you ever smile at a stranger?

Yeah I smile at them all the time?? Its kind of something I got used to after working retail for so long

5. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?

Im not dating anyone lol also who the fuck cares ???

6. Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today?

Heathens by 21p is ALWAYS on the radio and it reminds me of @bearlylocal because Josh Dunn is her boy

7. What exactly are you wearing right now?

omg my Yamaguchi Tadashi cosplay shorts and a Celty Sturluson t shirt with the neckline cut lower and the sleeves cut off

8. How often do you listen to music?

Every day but its usually pandora or the radio in the car

9. Do you wear jeans or sweats more?

Im not a pants wearing girl but I wear jeans/nicer pants to work

10. Do you think your life will change dramatically before 2013?

TWENTY THIRTEEN

11. Are you a social or an antisocial person?

Social! I used to be antisocial but working in retail has really helped me open up to people and now I wont SHUT. UP

12. Have you ever kissed someone whose name begins with the letter ‘A’?

Nope

13. What about ‘R’?

No lol

14. Can you drive a stick shift?

NOOOO Scary

15. Do you care if people talk badly about you?

Yeah and no like ???? Ok if I dont know abot it then whatever I guess

16. Are you going out of town soon?

Going up to LA for an anime con in January!!

17. When was the last time you cried?

I almost cried last night for no reason??? um probably a few days or weeks ago???

18. Have you ever told someone you loved them?

yeah all the time!

19. If you could change your eye color, would you?

I would LOVE green eyes omg

20. Is there a boy who you would do absolutely everything for?

FATGUM Or Justin Tomimori OR my pet rabbit Quincy

21. Name something you dislike about the day you’re having.

I bought a vacuum that was too small and now I have to take it back to the store ugh

22. Is it cute when guys kiss you on your forehead?

Sure!

23. Are you dating the last person you talked to?

NO Omg

24. What are you sitting on right now?

my bed which is currently unmade and naked (also theres a bunny in my lap!)

25. Does anyone regularly (other than family) tell you they love you?

Kristin and I say it to each other all the time ! Also Danni and most of my other friends

26. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?

YEAh

27. Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night?

UUUuhhh tumblr user @fatyumm

28. Do you get a lot of colds?

Maybe one or two bad ones a year

29. Where is the shirt you are wearing from?

I think I bought it at an anime con?

30. Does anyone hate you?

P sure my two ex besties lol

31. Do you have any empty alcohol bottles hidden somewhere in your room?

AHAHAHAHAHAhahahahahahahHH YEAh

32. Do you like watching scary movies?

I love scary movies omg!!! rec me some !

33. Do you want your tongue pierced?

No Im too much of a weenie for that

34. If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be?

GOD

freshman year of college? I would want to never move away fro school tbh

35. Did you have a dream last night?

YEAH it was almost sexy but I kept getting INTERRUPTED

then I had another one with my ex bestie in it

36. When was the last time you told someone you loved them?

Last night!

37. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?

Doubful

38. Do you think someone has feelings for you?

At least two tumblr anons I think

39. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?

I hope so!

40. Did you have a good day yesterday?

I felt really sick when I first got to work and then later on before bed but other than that it was ok

41. Think back 2 months ago; were you in a relationship?

lol no try a whole year back

42. In the next 48 hours, will you hang out with a girl?

I HOPE The cute sample girl is working at the store Im stationed at tomorrow

43. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?

not that I can think of off the top of my head

44. What’s the best part about school?

NOTHIng

45. Do you have any pictures on your Facebook?

So many

46. Do you ever pass notes to your friends in school?

I DID in like seventh grade lol

47. Do you replay things that have happened in your head?

YEA all the time

48. Were you single over the last summer?

Think so, yeah!

49. Is your life anything like it was two years ago?

nope! I dont go to school anymore and i dont work at a pet store so things are p different

50. What are you supposed to be doing right now?

fuck idk??? Id LIKE to be writing fic

51. Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with?

My dad ???? No but he IS a homophobe

52. Are you nice to everyone?

I try really hard to be !

53. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?

YYEeeeaaaa

54. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?

Ive done it before and I know I can do it again

55. Are you good at hiding your feelings?

Im SO good at pretending Im not crying

56. Do you think you like someone?

Fatgum

57. Have you kissed someone whose name starts with a ‘J’?

NOoooo

58. Do you prefer to be friends with girls or boys?

Girls and nb people

59. Has anyone of your friends ever seen you cry?

Kristin had to deal with me crying all through the second half of RENT

60. Do you hate anyone?

No one I know personally but I wouldn’t be mad if something really terrible happene dto T/r/ump

61. How’s your heart?

It’s beatin

62. Is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about?

UUUMMM.....I just dont really like talking about what I was like in middle school I guess

63. Have you ever cried over a guy?

YEAH64. Who is probably talking a load of crap about you right now?

the ex besties lol

65. Are your toenails painted pink?

they arent painted at all lol

66. Will your next kiss be a mistake?

sure hope not!

67. Girls love it when boyfriends cry; correct?

FUck if I know! I mean, I would hate to see the person Im with crying

68. Have your pants ever fallen down in public?

my pants are always falling down because my butt is small

69. Who was the last person you were on the phone with?

my mom

70. How do you look right now?

probably.....tired

71. Do you have someone you can be your complete self around?

lots of people!

72. Can you commit to one person?

yes!

73. Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to?

”Opposite” sexes dont exist but I only have one close guy friend and we havent talked in a while but! I feel like I can tell @adol everything

74. Have you ever felt replaced?

lol when your bestie gets a bf

75. Did you wake up cranky?

no, just exhausted

76. Are you a jealous person?

I like to think not

77. Are relationships ever worth it?

I like to think so but....havent really ever experienced one that was

78. Anyone you’re giving up on?

HMMMmmmm

79. Currently wanting to see anyone?

Id kill to see any of my friends rn but they all live far and Im poor lol

80. Name something you have to do tomorrow?

go to work and sell some Indian food

81. Last person you cried in front of?

honestly, probably Kristin but if we’re counting non humans? my bunnies

82. Is there someone you will never forget?

most of my friends, I HOPE

83. Do you think the person you have feelings for is protective of you?

god I hope Fatgum is protective of me

84. If the person you wish to be with were with you, what would you be doing right now?

I DONT SPEAK JAPANESE so probably just staring at each other awkwardly

(this is about both Fatgum and Justin)

85. Are you over your past?

who knows

86. Have you ever liked one of your best friends of the opposite sex?

WHATS AN OPPOSITE SEX LOL and no

87. Is there anyone you can tell EVERYTHING to?

Kristin!!

88. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?

I mean who says anyone Ive dated in the past has been a “true love” of mine

89. So, the last person you kissed just happens to arrive at your door at 3AM; do you let them in?

IT WAS LITERALLY A RANDO AT SOME ANIME CON SO GOD NO

90. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?

UUUUUUmmmmmmm.......I dont think my friends or family were ever fond of some of my exes....

91. Will you be in a relationship in 2 months?

dang, sure hope so

92. Is there anyone you know with the name Michael?

Ye, but we dont talk anymore

93. Have you ever kissed a Matthew?

nah

94. Were you in a relationship in January? How was it going?

No, I had just broken up with someone :/

95. Were you happy with the person you liked in March?

IDK if I liked anyone in March??? I dont think I did

96. Don’t tell me lies, is the last person you texted attractive?

@hamsa-heart???? YES97. Who do you have texts from?

Kristin, Hazel, my mom, my boss, etc

98. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?

sucks to suck but live your dreams dude

99. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?

YEa

100. Who’s in your profile picture with you?

I dont think theres anyone else in any of my profile pics

101. Ever kissed under fireworks?

GOD I WISH102. Has anybody ever given you butterflies?

YYEEEAaahhh

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vitos-ordination-song · 4 years

Text

i look back on horror at who i was as a child a lot bc it was bad and i did bad things. but just now i felt kind of fond of little me and proud. bc i did survive and i was smart.

i got sparked thinking about this bc i was thinking back to being really little. really little, potty training and earliest memories. i was so motivated to be perfect and actually i was good at getting approval. it’s sad bc thats what shaped the bad part of me. at this deep level i learned i did not want to be punished or disapproved of and so i tried to distance myself from my brothers who were punished and compared negatively to me.

it’s weird bc for so long i felt shame about this. when i was in high school i apologized to my brothers in tears bc theyd often been resentful of me when we were young and i felt guilty for being the baby who got away with things while they were punished. from like age 2 to age maybe 10 i had a p bad superiority complex borne out of this and i just felt like a bad person for it for a long time. plus i didnt fully break out of the mindset til i let go of inferiority/superiority.

i do see that i was just a child but thats kinda the part that feels like a horror movie. if i think of it being a child who was in situations i was and doing things i did, it feels horrifying. so most of my thinking back on being a kid are kinda disturbing.

but im kinda getting back in touch w the part of myself i love for the past few years. and you know i survived for a reason. bc i love life and there are parts of me that are strong. what i was thinking about that started all of this was the kind of two-sided split nature of my childhood. what actual form did it take.

i was absolutely obsessive about adult approval. to a degree that was v annoying to other kids but worked. i didnt necessarily SHOW that i was obsessed w it and i dont think i was even thinking consciously about it. a lot of my memories go in this vein. like i was good at memorizing bc that was asked of me. i could intense laser focus on things and memorize them. i remember frantically memorizing Bible verses at age 5 to win the Bible verse memorizing competition which the adults put on.

all of my strengths i had to be best in and all of my weaknesses were sources of shame i tried to improve on. i took very seriously morality as it was taught to me and made a great show of following it. i was often what you could consider teachers pet and basked in any positive reinforcement thrown my way.

i was addicted to avoiding punishment and seeking reward. it was a response to my highly behaviorist, authoritarian upbringing. my emotional state in relationship with adults could vary wildly depending on how they treated me. i had a teacher in fourth grade who seemed to dislike and undermine me, like she wanted to break me, and i internalized my idea of her to help shape myself into someone who she would like. and it mostly worked.

the intensity of my ability to do stuff like this cannot be understated. i learned to totally supress my sensory problems because they made adults annoyed with me and might lead to punishment (also i had to learn to deal with them alone because i had no help). i learned how to present a certain type of acceptable personality.

i should note that i learned to do this first because of my parents. i learned later, but very young, that i had been easy to potty train. i was often praised both for being intelligent but especially for being “easy” and obidient. the perfect child. as compared to my brothers who wet the bed and had to be punished for it. ive thought for a while that the reason i was so obsessed with being perfect in school is that my mother homeschooled me and my brother for kintergarden. she screamed at him for being stupid. never me.

being better was being safe. so i became this person who had to follow all the rules and be best at everything and i always wanted to be assured that i had earned love by my behavior.

but the oddest thing about this is that i was a totally anti-authority, rebellious, and single-minded child. this is how the split in my personality manifested when i was little. any time i sensed any kind of unfairness i was livid. i undermined authority figures behind their backs with other kids. i got around rules however i could.

the thing was, i think, even when i was very little, was that i knew it was arbitrary. the authority my parents wielded over me and my siblings was incomprehensible. i couldnt follow it. i just knew that they were in charge so they could do what they wanted. they were inconsistent in their punishments and rewards. sometimes they punished you for nothing and sometimes you got away with doing something actually bad. they weren’t fair. they just made it up as they went along.

i wanted to do what i wanted to do and really i felt no attachment to their judgment on it--at least this side of me didnt. and it goes back just as far, maybe farther, than the feeling of superiority or desire for approval. i think that came more as i became afraid of punishment.

i have very young memories of defying my parents authority. i just wanted to get away with it. and i almost always did.

it’s funny because my entire family has always judged me for that but now i look back with some admiration. i mean i was obsessing with how to get away with things in my youngest memories, like age 3. all throughout my childhood i broke the rules to do what i wanted.

when i was thinking earlier, what came to me was that i always acted to get approval so that i could get away with things and do what i really wanted to do. my main occupation as a child was reading. i was approved of for it. i read so much! i was such a smart little girl! and i could get away with spending all my time away from people in another world, the world of my books. i was quiet and out of the way so i was a good child. and that was one of the main sources of happiness in my childhood, reading, escaping, learning, being somewhere else.

i waged a warfare against authority quietly. i learned to give them what they want and then do whatever i wanted when they looked away. i did it all the time. the side of me that wanted approval and the one that wanted freedom were somewhat dissociated so i didnt even fully realize i was doing it.

i think what caused a lot of the change was falling from grace. in my own eyes, in my projected, perceived vision of God, and in the eyes of adults. it happened around age 10 and 11. i went from a very high to very low opinion of myself quickly. i think some of it was having a teacher who simply did not and would not like me, who wanted me to be smaller. she didnt like that i was disorganized and said i had terrible handwriting. she wasnt cruel but she wanted to destroy me for my own good. she constantly put me down and made me a subject of ridicule in class.

i was also thinking more about Christian morality. the more i learned about God and heard about sin the more i felt i was a sinner. i felt bare and stripped naked, disgusting before God.

i had humbling experience after humbling experience--internally as i reflected on my behavior and externally though rejection by peers, failure in school, and adult disapproval. it wasnt possible for me to feel approved of, perfect anymore. i could only be bad.

i kept going further and further with this until i was reborn and rejected all of it. i stopped being Christian and rejected God’s authority. Christianity was the only worldview i had ever been allowed to imagine. once i stopped believing in it i was separate from every person around me. i could not, as a human being, have anyone’s approval.

i wasnt the golden child at school or at home any more. i started getting in trouble in ways i never would have before because i was more defiant openly. a teacher took my kindle from me in 8th grade and i was punished for stealing it back. i had used to never talk back to my parents but i started to. i was angry. the dynamics in my family shifted and sometimes i was the scapegoat, sometimes i was the one being screamed at, punished, hit the most. me and my siblings played hot potato for it. golden child shifted around too. but i would never be the favorite again. by the time my parents went back to fawning on me, when i was a successful college student, i had no taste for it.

starting around age 13. i had to become my own internal source of approval, authority, and being. i started to parent myself. i developed an internal parent who nurtured me and i sought out a lot of media about good and loving parents. i cried alone all the time but when i was calming down, i would stroke my own hair and talk to myself. i thought for myself and made up my mind about things. i had my own internal sense of morality that wasnt based on punishment and rewards. that made me a better person. before i had broken any rule with no guilt. i did not consider right and wrong of the action, only likelihood of punishment or reward. when i was giving myself approval, /i/ had to approve of my actions.

idk ive just rambled a lot but i guess ive been thinking tonight about how ive reacted to environments and how ive changed myself as a person. i have these moments, shorter periods in my life, where something totally shifts in me. but that doesnt make long term effects just go away. i still worry about approval and punishment. i still punish and reward myself. these things are ground into me. inferiority/superiority too. but i saw through them and i have changed.

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