#and even if we did we'd have to talk through letters with weeks if not months in between responses

[the-gayest-sky-kid]

god i love my friends. shout out to people who love their friends. this is a post for friend lovers

#sorry i thought too hard about everything and got weirdly emotional like hgoly shit #i talk to people here every day and we know stuff about each other and shit and we exchange ideas and waaa #we're like all basically penpals but better #im realizing how revolutionary this is. like had we all been born earlier we never would have met #and even if we did we'd have to talk through letters with weeks if not months in between responses #can you imagine that #every day instead i literally wake up and my friends are there #insane #i love having friends

[greenunoreversecard]

Hi! ^^ Can you do lloyd garmadon x reader? Like literally anything. Im so starved for fics it isn’t even funny 😭

A/N: this came to me in a dream

This is a drabble.

TW: DEATH, SUICIDE.

Each line break to Hamilton means new memory/setting btw

Wait for it

Theodosia writes me a letter every day

The hardest thing about being in love with a huge political and slightly governmental figure is the fact their always gone.

But there was a simple fix; writting each other.

Normally we text, but because he's always in such high altitudes and other dangerous areas, it's been easier to write letters.

I'm keeping his bed warm while he's away

And it's worked well enough. When I do get to see him, we both joke about how our relationship is just 'victorian style'.

Luckily, the other ninja have let me live in the monestary, so I get to see as much time with Lloyd when he's back. The only condition is that I do upkeep- the chores and all that.

Love doesn't discriminate, Between the sinners and the saints

"How did you and Lloyd even meet?" I hear Jay ask from behind me, slurping the last of his drunk from his straw. "I don't think you guys ever really told us"

I feel a hand slide onto my waist, and I startled lightly before realising Lloyd's finally woken up. He hugs me from behind figure encasing me in his post-nap warmth and his head lolls into my shoulder.

"We met at Doomsday. They were a new employee" Lloyd turns his head to the right to look at Jay as he speaks.

"Typically nerd stuff. Should've expected it" Jay replies rolling his eyes.

I can sense Lloyd's eye roll, but don't see it as I'm busy cooking. I do feel his head turn back into my neck, and his soft press of kisses.

It takes and it takes and it takes And we keep loving anyway

The last time I spoke to Lloyd in person there we got into a... Disagreement, of sorts.

I never meant to stir up anything.

I had asked why every ninja needed to go on every mission, instead of just sending 2 at a time.

I mean, all of them are exhausted, and could use the time to themselves, switching out shifts with each other or something.

That was the wrong thing to bring up apparently.

One thing led to another and the debate got heated, to the point I left the monistary and went to go live with my friend for the time being.

I couldn't handle it at that moment.

its been about 3 weeks since then.

We talked over phone but decided it's best to live separately because the close quarters was giving him anxiety, due to the fact their already at risk of being attacked and he didn't wanna drag me into it.

I understand that. It just hurts because he let all of it out onto me, all because of a suggestion. I can understand how worn thin he is, maybe it wasn't the best time. He had, after all, just gotten back.

He told me we would talk in person about everything, we'd lay it all on the table after he got back.

From another mission.

I didn't know its be his last.

Death doesn't Discriminate, Between the sinners and the saints.

Its kind of ironic, it ends where it began.

Doomsday comic.

It has been a normal day, until that point, I'd gone into a shift.

It wasn't until 8 hours into my 10 I heard the screaming.

Our glass windows shattered. Some sort of- monster thing breaks in through the window.

It looks decrepit and I can see the dark red dripping from its mouth, the once blue shirt sticking out of its jaw.

The smell is putrid now, and gets worse as it's ink black body creeps closer. I duck down underneath my counter and press the emergency button.

Im covering my mouth, trying to hold down the vomit from the sheer smell of the eyeless creature, and I hear it's wet patters against the floor. It looked like it was made of tar.

I don't get another moment to think before I hear a crash. It's towering over me now.

"Don't FUCKING touch them!" I hear a voice call from behind me and the creature.

A flash of green.

Lloyd.

The monster teeters where it stands from Lloyd's attack, and I make a dash for it.

"N/n stay cl-"

I don't hear the rest of Kai's warning before I turn around.

I wasn't smelling decay, I was smelling acid.

Beams falls. I scream.

A flash of green.

A gush of red.

Lloyd's arms are caged around me, and his scent would be comforting if we weren't stuck in a pile of rubble.

"Hey, baby. Are you alright?" He asks, eyes gentle and searching.

I nod.

"Ok, just uh- I'm sorry I've dragged you into this. And uh, don't look down, k?"

"Dove, I knew what I was getting myself into by dating you and wha-"

I look down.

There's at least 1, maybe 2 beams sticking out. Of his torso, one lighly impaling my leg.

I feel my bile rise again.

My eyes water. I knew what was gunna happen.

"I- I said dont-"

"No. No. No. No-"

My breath picks up.

"I- this isn't real- I cant- this-"

"hey hey hey, look in my eyes baby? Mkay?"

I look at him through my tears, his figure slightly blurry.

"its-...." he pauses, wincing and forcing another breath to enter him. "don't forget what I say next ok?"

I nod quickly.

"Y/N M/N L/N, I love you more than anything. You are my yin, you are my life. You are my everything. And I need you to know, I will always love you."

"Don't- don't speak like your gunna die, Lloyd, please."

I hear the others calling us.

"it's-" he forces another breath. Can I kiss you, one last time?"

"your not gunna-"

"we both know its give or take a few minutes, baby."

I kiss him, like it's the last time I every will.

Because it is.

Life doesn't discriminate Between the sinners and the saints It takes and it takes and it takes

I don't remember anything after that.

I miss him.

I miss my Lloyd.

It's been 6 months since then. The ninja disbanded. And I'm at the tallest tower in ninjago city, debating if I should take a leap.

Life doesn't discriminate

My left foot dangles precariously.

I jump.

Wait for it

#greeny's inbox #ninjago x reader #lloyd garmadon x reader #lloyd garmadon #ninjago lloyd #Ninjago Lloyd x reader #Angst #Hurt no comfort #Lloyd Garmadon x you #Gn reader #Male reader #ninjago lloyd garmadon #lloyd montgomery garmadon

[pierrai]

May I request a short fic of a jealous Alastor sucking dick?

Hello! Thank you for your request! Since this is requested as a short (totally short!!) fic, I changed my usual style of bullet points! I hope you will enjoy!

Character: Alastor Catesby Word Count: 2845 Scenario: Jealous Al giving a BJ Warnings: NSFW

Alastor

"Didn't feel like gracing me with your presence today, my lord?"

The snide voice coming from your doorway pulls you out of the world of paperwork you were unwillingly immersed in and back into reality. You hadn't even heard the door open, let alone anyone knocking, but considering who was stood there, it was unlikely he'd even bothered knocking anyway.

"Oh." The small sound that tumbles out your mouth all but gives away that you'd forgotten. You two had made plans today. You told Al you'd drink with him. He raises an unamused brow, and you pause in the middle of your writing to offer him an apologetic frown. "I'm sorry, Al, I forgot. I've been busy with this paperwork all afternoon and still haven't gotten anywhere. I thought for sure we'd arranged this for some other day." You are genuinely sorry, but Al doesn't look as if he buys what you're saying at all as he closes the door behind him and saunters towards your desk cluttered with papers.

"You had a whole week to get all your work out the way for our plans, but of course you decide today is when you should focus on it." He folds his arms and flits his eyes between yourself and the paperwork laid out before you. Seems like he was in an especially bad mood today.

You remember back when you first met him a couple years ago now, he'd scarcely seemed to care about what you did with your time. He'd been the unruly second son of the Catesby family, and you were some lesser lord who occasionally saw him at gatherings. Then when the two of you had the opportunity to talk more, you become one of his, well, simply put... transactional relationships. It was a relationship you both enjoyed when the right circumstances struck and though Al had a less then savoury reputation, you weren't a lord that was overly concerned with morals. You appeared prim and proper and regal, but you'd welcomed Al and his depravity when it benefited you to enjoy that sort of company.

He'd disappeared for a while when his family had kicked him out, though you'd still been in contact through the occasional letter (again, mostly transactional) and only when his title was reinstated and he was given the task of being a liaison between his family and smaller lords, you continued where you left off in your relationship. No strings attached, just now you could have some relief a bit more often than before.

So you can't quite figure out why he's been acting more jealous towards you as of late.

"Look, I apologised, didn't I?" You say. "I got a lot of these documents only recently so, no, I couldn't just work on them some other time. We can go drinking another day, okay?"

He was never ever like this before. He had this sort of relationship with many and never cared if you did the same, but he'd very slowly began to monopolise your time when he could. If you mentioned other people, he'd go eerily quiet for a moment before carrying on as usual. You weren't dense enough to not consider that maybe he'd caught some feelings for you, but if he did, he really didn't do anything to show it. Al was a flirt, but after knowing him for a while, you'd figured out a lot of his actions were for show only and he hardly ever said anything heartfelt.

"Hah." His lips twist up into a sharp and humourless smile. "That's it? You stand me up and have me waiting for an hour and that's all you have to say?"

"Oh, come off it, Al. As if you haven't stood me up a thousand times before. I do it once and suddenly you're up in arms." You huff out a sigh as you pick up your quill from your inkpot again and attempt to sign yet another sheet of paperwork, but before you can finish scrawling the first letter of your name, the paper is suddenly snatched out from under you.

"This is what was so important you completely forgot about me? Some stupid land ownership deed of some nobody farmer?" He tightens his grip on the paper as his eyes scan it line by line, which now has a dark inky streak across it, and thins his eyes at you. "I'm flattered."

"A stupid land ownership deed that I'll have to request a new copy of, thank you very much," comes your dry reply. Some part of you wants to argue back more against Al, but the exhausted part of you that's been on the receiving end of his weird pedantry one too many times releases another heavy sigh, and you put your quill back down so you can massage your temples instead. "Look, today isn't a good day. Can't we just reschedule? I'm too busy to deal with you right now."

Al raises a brow as he slowly lowers the now-crumpled deed back down to the desk. He doesn't seem to care that you're clearly exhausted (not that he ever did) and seems more perturbed that you're blowing him off for what he sees as nonsense.

"How cruel. After I travelled all the way here, you're just going to send me off again?" He sneered, a mirthful smirk still tugging at his lips.

"Al..."

"You know, it's no problem if you want to work. I'll just watch." He begins dragging a chair over from the side of the room, parking it right in front of your desk opposite you, and sprawls himself across it. "You get to do your work, and you're not standing me up anymore." His smile is less than pleasant.

You don't say anything back to him, only setting your eyes on him in an unsteady glare, opening and closing your mouth twice to try to tell him to leave, but you know he won't obey. The only way you'd get him out of your study at this point was by force, and you didn't exactly want that either.

It's better to let him just sit there for now. Perhaps you're just procrastinating the inevitable. You will have to shoo him away eventually but you really, really just want to finish these stupid documents so you can finally focus on something else. You're certain you can tune Al out if you try hard enough.

It's difficult though. Al keeps picking up random items on your desk—quills, ornaments, paper work—and analysing them before tossing them back down where they didn't belong. He was annoying, but manageable, you told yourself.

Manageable until you suddenly feel something touching your leg from underneath your desk, and your hand freezes in the middle of writing a new signature.

"Al, stop it," you chided him quickly, jerking your leg to shake him off, but he simply ignored you and flicked over to the next page of the document he was reading. His foot found it's way to your leg again, caressing it's way up and up until it was almost touching your inner thigh.

You probably should've just backed away again, but for some reason you let him continue. The hairs on the back of your neck were raising with anticipation and the hand holding your quill was clenched hard. When Al's foot reached between your legs and he suddenly pressed the tip of his toes hard against your crotch, you let out a less-than-dignified gasp and attempted to knock his advances away again.

"Alastor." You stressed each syllable of his name through gritted teeth, and he smugly met your eyes with a raise of his brow. This man was exhausting. "I let you sit here, so stop with this. I-I don't have time for it—I have to finish all of this, and then worry about this stupid dinner party and—"

"Dinner party?" Al echoed, planting both his feet back on the ground as he leant forward in his chair and tossed the document aside. "Ahh, I see. You stood me up because you made other plans instead. You thought if you just didn't show up at all, you wouldn't have to deal with me either. You could go to your insignificant little dinner party free of worry."

"No, just—" you throw down your quill again, frustration building even more, "—why do you always have to twist things into the worst possible interpretation. I forgot because I had—have—a lot of work! I didn't do it on purpose."

Al scoffs. He doesn't refute what you've said, but you can tell it hasn't made him feel much better either. When Al was upset, that was that. Explanation be damned, he's going to stay upset.

He stands up suddenly, and when he rounds the corner of the desk and comes to stand right in front of you, your heart does a nervous little jump in your chest. Your mouth opens to say his name in what might be fear, but it's swallowed up when he suddenly drops down to his knees and tugs the chair you're sat on closer to him.

"What are you—" You're cut off for the umpteenth time that day when his hands tug at the buttons of your pants and then quickly dive into your undergarments to fish out your half-hard cock. The sensation of Al's cold fingers against your own heated skin only sends more blood rushing down to your crotch rather than your brain, which can't decide whether it's okay with what's happening or not.

"You can tell whatever nobody invited you to that dinner party you already have plans," Al says snidely, glaring up at you as he works his hands roughly up and down your shaft to make it harder. You want to refute him and push him back, but he suddenly dives his head down between your legs and closes his mouth around the whole length of your cock.

"Wait, Al—"

The wet heat of his tongue forces a gasped moan out of your throat, and you push your hands against Al's head weakly. He holds it firmly in place, unphased, eyes focused and determined as he hollows his cheeks around your member, furrowing his brow in what's likely satisfaction rather than discomfort when it grows to it's full hardened length. You can't help it. Even if you rationally don't want this, your body has decided that you do. Al's mouth has always felt good.

One of his hands grips at your thigh, while the other strokes its way up your leg. The lewd slurping sounds coming from his mouth are only clouding your mind with more lustful thoughts, as is the feeling of Al's tongue running along the side of your shaft roughly. You really should tell him to stop, but the words crumble as soon as you try to speak them.

He begins bobbing his head eagerly, the hand that was caressing your leg moving up to hold the base of your shaft as he repeatedly forces it as deep down his throat as it'll go. You have to admit, he is skilled at this. Even if his method is possessive and rough, it's overwhelming how good it feels. You have to move one of your hands from his head to clap it over your mouth. With your head tilted back, you can barely swallow down all the moans.

This was the first time Al was using sex to get your attention. You'd started noticing more and more that he would get jealous over silly things, and though he'd easily brushed it off at first, he soon progressed to flirting as a way of drawing your attention back to him. You didn't know why he even got jealous in the first place when your relationship was always something the two of you agreed was casual and transactional. Now here he was using sexual acts as a way of keeping you in your place. If these acts of jealousy became commonplace... Ahh, you didn't care to dislike the idea right now. You'd probably welcome it. It felt so good after all.

Your cock pops out of his mouth with a terribly lewd and wet sound, but Al is quick to resume the attention it was getting by licking up and down the side while his hand roughly jerks you off, pumping up and down tightly. He brings his fingers to the very end of your penis, lightly pinching just under your glans so clear fluid begins leaking out your tip. That makes Al smirk with clear satisfaction. With your length wet with both your own precum and Al's saliva, you gaze down at him, flushed and breathless, and wonder if he's going to take this a step further by riding you at your desk. You'd probably let him at this point, too horny to say no.

He closes his mouth back around you again instead, making more lewd slurping noises as he begins his steady pace, up and down, up and down. It's not long before you're letting out small moans and gasps, biting down on your index and middle finger so you won't attract the attention of any servants passing by. The other hand you've began running through the strands of Alastor's hair tightens subconsciously, and Al's eyes thin in warning before he presses his teeth against the skin of your cock.

"Ah—!" Another less than-dignified gasp. Even more so now considering it was half a moan as well. You let go of Al's head and glare down at him while he meets your eyes with a raise of his eyebrows and a mischievously smug look in his eyes.

His tongue licks where he'd bitten teasingly from inside his mouth, and your body tenses as pleasure seeps back in to cover the slight amount of pain he'd caused. Even though it had hurt, both you and Al knew you didn't mind the occasional amount of pain in the sessions between the two of you.

The assault on your cock continues in earnest and as you get closer to your climax with each passing second, your hips begin rising from your chair to buck your length deeper into Alastor's mouth. The pleasant sounds of him adjusting to your length and letting out gurgled moans when you hit the back of his throat only make you more eager, but no more eager than Al who snakes his arms under and around your hips to suck you in deeper.

"Gonna—cum—" You can barely get the words out. Not like Al ever cares, but you've always been nice enough to warn him in case he ever wants to pull out. He doesn't seem to care this time too. His arms hug your waist tighter as you arch your back so much you're barely sitting at your chair anymore. Nails dig into the skin showing from where your pants have been further tugged down but you don't care about any pain they bring. Your own hand comes to rest on Al's head again, gripping the strands of his hair while the other covers you mouth before you can let out a loud, climactic moan.

The hot coil in your stomach comes completely undone and your body twitches as you feel your release hit you all at once. Hot, white cum spurts out your tip and down into Alastor's throat. He doesn't even pull back, gulping down each drop stubbornly and keeping his mouth firmly in place even as you ride out your orgasm with a couple thrusts of your hips, wanting to prolong the bliss for as long as you can. It feels amazing. So amazing that you've forgotten you and Al had been arguing mere minutes ago, and so amazing you tell yourself you're glad you didn't give him the boot sooner. God, you could do this forever.

You sink back down in your chair and let your arms fall back to your sides, letting out a few more shuddering, breathy moans and letting your head dip forward after throwing it back in sheer ecstasy. Mind fuzzy, you just about manage to open your eyes to watch Al slip your dwindling cock out of his mouth, a line of cum and saliva breaking away between them when he licks his lips and gulps down whatever's left in his mouth. The sight is nice. It's easy to see why Al managed to sleep around with so many.

Finally his eyes meet yours again and though your mind is a mess of exhaustion and post-sex clarity, you offer the smallest of smirks.

"While I appreciate your service, I don't think you've prolonged it enough for me to miss my dinner party arrangements." You don't know if you're teasing him on purpose or stating a fact. Al smirks haughtily, and his hands move back from your hips to in between your legs so his hands can tease your sensitive cock and bring life back into it again. Excitement rises in your chest whether you want it to or not.

"Good thing I'm not finished then."

[gaytotaldrama]

duncney week day 4 (a day late): first 'i love you'

an unsent letter from C to D, years after the end of the show.

duncney song of the day: 'i've got your number,' elbow

also on my ao3!

Dear Dunc

To whom it may conce

For the idiot with the green mohawk

Duncan, 

I don't go to therapy, but Bridgette does, and she told me about this exercise her therapist set her where you write down everything you want to say to someone in a letter and then you don't send it. Therapy would take up way too much of my time, yet here I am on my bed, writing to you of all people.

It's been years since we last saw each other, or even spoke - since they carted you off the island and tossed you into some disgusting cell. I'm sure you're already aware, but destroying Chris's house was a really  stupid  idea. I understand that you were trying to prove your "villain status" or whatever, but all I could think about watching you leave was DJ and his rabbit. It made me feel  sick,  seeing what happened to you. Gwen and I pretended to be happy about it, but I don't think either of us were at all. 

I know she called once or twice, while you were in there. I know Geoff and DJ came to visit you. I know Bridgette sent you little care baskets through the mail.

I know I never did any of those things. It all hurt so much, still. And even when it didn't, I never figured out what I would say to you.

But now, I have an idea. More or less.

However angry I was with you after you and Gwen kissed, it didn't mean I wanted to see you thrown in  prison.  I know I can be petty and vengeful at my lowest moments, but I always imagined you'd be eliminated in some humiliating spectacle. You'd go home. And we'd never have to see each other again, unless Owen ever decided to throw that reunion bash he was talking about.

And then when that bash happened, you were locked up again for violating your parole. And you weren't there.

I thought about filling these pages with all the reasons you were awful to me, every nitpick and tiny detail that made me hate your guts. But it's not like I was the perfect girlfriend, either. And, Duncan, we were just  kids.  None of us knew what we were doing, what it was we even wanted. Chris knew that and he used it against us every which way, exploiting us on international television.

I don't know if I really forgive you yet. I guess I'd have to see you in person to know. I've spent most of my time post-Total Drama working to forgive myself. Which has worked. Somewhat, at least.

Geoff says you're in Seattle. He says you're working as a tattoo artist. He says you go to AA meetings every week at the recreational center. That's good. That's really good, Duncan.

I work. Sanford, Sanford & Patel - started as a secretary, but I've clawed my way up a bit since then. Helped win some major cases. Hopefully it won't be long before they're adding a Reyes up on that sign.

Bridgette, Geoff, and I have game night every Wednesday evening. We take turns cooking dinner. Sometimes Bridgette slides me a CBD gummy to help me fall asleep at night. I jog, in the mornings. When I can, I go to the gym. Every now and then, I pick up Geoff's guitar and strum it a little. I still remember when you taught me my first bar chord. I couldn't make a  sound  on the B minor then, but I've gotten better, now. I've really gotten better.

I have a cat. This little precocious furball that Bridgette brought back from the shelter. She likes to claw at my nice leather desk chair and she doesn't like strangers at all; I adore her. Her name is Scruffy.

Every couple of months, I fly out to visit Gwen in Vancouver. They showed me the inky moon you put on their collarbone - I think it's beautiful. We go and get coffee together, catch up. She's got an art exhibition down in Bellingham in the fall - I plan to go, but I don't know if you'll be there. I don't know if I want you to be or not.

I've had a few boyfriends, but none of them could keep up with me. One time, Gwen and I got drunk and slept together. I'm not sure why I'm telling you this, but it was kind of good. Which is kind of funny. To me, at least.

Oh, and Geoff and Bridgette are engaged. Which I guess you already knew. It only just happened, so there are no real plans yet, you know those two. Never once made a list in their lives. But I guess if you're not at Gwen's show, we'll see each other at the wedding.

Would you talk to me? If we met again, would you even talk to me? I like to think I'd talk to you. But it's a hell of a lot easier to say it in writing than it is to do it in person.

Would you miss me?

I've missed you. I know people say you never stay with your high school sweetheart, but look at G and B, case in point. We didn't stay together, but sometimes I imagine what it would have been like if we had. Where we'd be right now.

Damn it, ok, I'm just going to say it: I love you. We never got around to telling that to each other while we were dating, but I think it's always been true, since all the way back in season one. I love you, Duncan Russo. It's totally humiliating, but I do. I still really, really do.

And I wish you were

Maybe if I

And I guess there's nothing to be done about that. Over a decade, and I'm still hung up on the boy who I kissed in the back of the Killer Bass cabin, right after puking my guts out. There's only so many people who would kiss someone with vomit breath, but you did. You didn't care. I mean, it was totally disgusting, but you kissed me back. I'll always remember the way you kissed me back.

Just...I just hope you're ok, ok? Or if not, then that you're something close to it. That show screwed every single one of us over, some more than others. The shit Chris did to us was messed up, and if I could go back and time and withdraw my audition tape, I would.

But then I guess I'd never have met you. And I don't know if that would be better or worse for me in the long run.

Thank God you'll never see this letter. 

Love,

Courtney

#duncney week 2023 #duncney #td fanfiction #my writing

[androgynealienfemme]

"When did we get separated in life, sweet warrior woman? We thought we'd won the war of liberation when we embraced the word gay. Then, suddenly there were professors and doctors and lawyers coming out of the woodwork telling us that meetings should be run by Robert's Rules of Order. (Who died and left Robert god?) We dressed up after work for the new meetings on campus, but they drove us out, made us feel ashamed of how we looked. They said we were male chauvinist pigs: the enemy. It was women's hearts they broke. We were not hard to send away. We went quietly. The plants closed, something we never could have imagined. That's when I was sent into exile and began passing as a man. Strange to be exiled form your own gender to borders that will never be home. You were banished too, to another land, with your own gender, and yet forced apart from the women you loved as much as you tried to love yourself. For more than twenty years i have lived on this lonely shore, wondering what became of you. Did you wash off your Saturday-night makeup in shame? Did you burn in anger when women said, "if I wanted a man, I'd be with a real one"? Are you turning tricks today? Are you waiting tables or learning WordPerfect? Are you in a lesbian bar looking out of the corner of your eye for the butchest woman in the room? Do the women there talk about Democratic politics and photography and co-ops? Are you with women who bleed only monthly on their cycles? Or are you in another blue-collar town, lying with an unemployed auto worker who is much more like me than they are, listening for the even breathing of your sleeping children? Do you bind his emotional woulds the way you tried to heal mine? Do you ever think of me in the cool night? I've been writing this letter to you for hours. My ribs hurt bad from a beating two weeks ago. You know. I never could have survived this long if I'd never known your love. yet still I ache with missing you. I need you so. Only you could melt this stone. Are you ever coming back? The storm has passed now. There is a pink glow at the horizon outside my window. I am remembering the nights I fucked you deep and slow until the sky was just this color. I can't think about you anymore; the pain is swallowing me up. I have to put your memory away, like a precious sepia photograph. There are still so many things I want to tell you, to share with you. Since I can't male you this letter, I'll sent it to a place where they keep women's memories safe. Maybe someday, passing through this big city, you will stop and read it. Maybe you won't. Good night, my love." -"Letter to a fifties femme from a stone butch" Leslie Feinberg, The Persistent Desire, (Edited by Joan Nestle) (1992)

#The Persistent Desire #leslie feinberg #lesbian #lesbianism #lesbian writing #lesbian lit #butchfemme #butch lesbian #butch #femme lesbian #femme

[chaoscriess]

𝐖𝐀𝐑𝐍𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐒! death, a ton of angst. reader mourns stu's death, writes him a letter to help the grieving process, cussing.

𝐍𝐎𝐓𝐄𝐒! on mobile, format might be weird. lowercase intended, unedited, double periods intended. I love writing angst and this was a great fic idea

stu x gn!reader

When you first found out about stu's death, you didnt believe it. you couldn't believe it. it just wasnt possible.

until the next day at school, when you didnt see stu, billy, or tatum, and sidney and randy both refused to talk to you.

they thought you were a monster because you were dating stu

even though you didnt even know stu was behind the mask

it hurt, it really fucking hurt.

you had nobody to talk to, and the entire town was against you.

weren't they supposed to be helping you? comforting you about the death of your boyfriend even if he was a killer? I mean, you didnt even know about it.

shouldn't they have been consoling you? even if they were lying through their teeth, shouldnt they have been telling you how sorry they were that your boyfriend turned out to be a murderer?

you had always hated woodsboro and the people in it, but now it was worse.

now you wanted to strike a match and set the whole fucking town ablaze.

they didnt even know it was billy's fault. you knew him well, he would have never even done that shit if it weren't for that cocksucking bitch billy.

you were angry, so fucking angry.

you got a therapist after a couple weeks of crying every day and not doing anything unless your mother dragged you out of bed.

your therapist told you that the best way to deal with your situation, that being having your boyfriend, the love of your life, ripped from your grasp way, way, way too soon, was to write him a letter

you were confused, how could you write him a letter if he was dead?

you had already recieved his ashes, you and his parents being the only people that showed up to his funeral

even though they were late, you still found it nice that they showed up.

back to the letter thing, your therapist told you to write a letter to him, assuming that he could read it in the afterlife, and then keep it or dump it in the sea with his ashes.

you chose to keep the letter. you chose to also keep his ashes, his parents didnt want them.

but the letter went something like this,

shit, I dont even know if this is going to work.. whatever, let's hope it does.

stu macher, the love of my life. i dont even know where to begin... from the moment I first met you, I knew you would be mine someday. ever since we met on that playset when we were seven, i knew that i would fall in love with you. and when I first realized that I had fallen in love with you, it was because of a feeling I got, not a thought about how cute you were, or how nice your shirt was, or how kind you were to me, it was the feeling that I was finally safe with someone. you made me feel safe after so many years of hating everything. it sounds stupid but I dont think it is.

when you kissed me for the first time on those swings at the same park we met at, 7 years later, I felt like nothing could ever tear us apart, like we'd be together forever. but now you're gone, and suddenly i cant find peace anymore. I cant sleep without dreaming of you, I cant eat without thinking about us cooking in my kitchen, and i cant drink anything without thinking of the stupid drinking games we would play at your stupid parties.

why did you make my life so wonderful? did you know you would kill every bit of my happiness eventually? did you know that you would leave so soon?

why did you do it? why'd you kill those people? now everyone hates you for what you did. I hate you for what you did. I know it wasnt your fault, but I cant help it.

I dont go outside anymore. every time I step off my porch, I can't help but remember our dates where we sat in the field near your house and looked up at the sky for hours.

sidney and randy hate me now, but I cant blame them. they say i was dating a monster. I dont think you're a monster..

I dont know how I'm going to recover from this, but I know I'll have to.

eventually.

I dont want to forget you.

but what if I do?

what if I forget what we had? what if I forget how your stupid cologne smells? how you feel in my arms, how your lips felt on mine.. I dont want to forget.

I dont want to move on. my mother says I have to, that I need to find someone else to take my mind off of you. I screamed at her, told her to fuck herself and that I hoped her husband died so she felt how much it hurt. I dont feel bad. I dont regret saying it.

I hate you, stu macher.

I'll never fucking forgive you for what you did to me.

and most of all, I hate that I still love you.

yours forever, y/n.

after you wrote it, you felt better. you felt like he was reading it over your shoulder the whole time.

you were still upset though.

a few months later, you accepted the fact that stu would never come back. he was gone for good.

it hurt, but you got accepted it.

and you may have accepted it, but you never truly got over it.

stu was truly the love of your life.

#chaos calling! #stu macher #stu macher x reader #stu x reader #stu macher is my soulmate #im in love with him

[bookwyrminspiration]

i just finished stellarlune and i need to make up for the time i lost not hitting the “view post” button on your posts tagged as stellarlune spoilers so. ramble at me if you want. gonna go scroll your blog forever and ever now

I saw all the notifs from you scrolling my blog; did you have fun? Did you have a good time? I hope so! Anyway, I have no idea what I'm going to end up rambling about so we're about to find out together.

I feel as though both so much and nothing at all happened. And also that it was all thrown at me very quickly. When I was making the timeline there were two points where several days pass at once (there's a week taken to prepare for the Trix meeting we don't see, and Sophie goes through several days stalling for her confession) so that likely contributes to it. And I can't help but feel it's a bit jarring.

Reading through (at least the first time, that may change with rereads) it felt like we'd skipped a step or two to get to where we were. Sophie started going off about Elysian and power sources and I was sitting there like girl slow down what are you saying.

I think my overall conclusion is that this is the sokeefe book. Not in the sense that this is the book where sokeefe went canon, though that's true as well, but as in this book exists for and is dedicated to the arc of sokeefe. That was it's primary focus start to finish, from Ro's teasing and the letter in the beginning to the kiss at the end. Sophie was focused on it and thinking about it, so we couldn't get away from it, even though there were other things peppered throughout. And I think that's why it's kinda meh to me at the moment. I don't dislike it, but it's dedicated to something I don't happen to care much about.

I can understand why it was done, as this has been something building up for the better part of a series and does take more time to address, but even with a whole book focues on it sokeefe somehow still felt rushed. Truly incredible how that happened. But either way, Stellarlune is intended for an audience with different interests than mine--which is totally fine! I loved Unlocked (and still do), while many in the fandom hated it when it came out. I'm not saying it's bad, just that it's not my favorite :)

I don't have a copy of Stellarlune with me at the moment (my dad's borrowing it) so I'm probably forgetting to touch on things but like. This felt like a very character focused book, and with a limited number of characters. Even with everything else that happened in the book, that's what left the biggest impression.

Oh! Rayni! I can touch on her! To be 100% honest my first reaction was "..Rayni??? that's your name?" Something about it caught me of guard. I was very satisfied to see the tribunal from book one come back around, as I hadn't expected it to. And I do appreciate the idea of someone going through similar hardships to the rest of the kotlcrew and turning to the Neverseen instead. That part about how the Neverseen got to her first or however it went? Chef's kiss. I absolute love that idea and her connection to the Neverseen, it being her only option and all that. Rayni herself? I'm still warming up to her, but I do enjoy having her around and am pleased to know more about her, even though it seems a little late to be adding in completely new characters to the books.

OH and Elysian. Can also talk about that too! I've said it before and I'll say it again: Stellarlune feels like the first half of an arc, so I don't want to judge it until I read the next book and see how it plays out. That being said, what. What is going on. This has been planned from book one, apparently, but it also feels completely out of left field. There's a power source and it's a person? This person is their world's best kept secret? There's so much going on in that that without the full information I don't think i can nearly get into it the way I want to. Do they power the Lost Cities? Do they control it all from behind? They like, turned of people's abilities, so do they grant abilities to elves? Are they where abilities come from? Who, what, when, where, why, how? Elysian raises so many questions and I can't ask them because I don't have the info to ask the right questions!

I'll just say one more thing: Sophie is. a lot right now. She got on my nerves this book, but I also can't blame her for it because she's 14 (15 in elven years). I can completely understand why she acts the way she does but it also makes me want to shake some sense into her like please please please think about things and stop yelling at people who are trying to help you. But being 14 fills you with rage so like, i get it even if oof.

Anyway those are some of the impressions this book left on me and I am so so curious to read the next one because I need answers. I need to know. I gotta know what's been cookin in Shannon's brain for the last 14 years.

#kotlc #stellarlune spoilers #quil's queries #even-if-in-another-time #i will distract myself from whatever's happening in keeper by screaming about other books #and also screaming about keeper #i've been sucked into it I can't escape #i picked up the second book eight years ago and permanently altered the course of my life #logged onto tumblr almost five years ago and also permanently altered the course of my life

[universeofmuses]

//so I wanted to post these every Friday so people had something fun to read over the weekend, but I’m going to post the next one now as a poor attempt to make it up everyone who I had to drop a thread with. I hope you like the next chapter.

(Cyber Café)

Conner and Ethan where sitting at the bar of the busy cyber café talking about the previous school week while Trent was busy taking orders from the customers and Hayley filling the orders and taking the money,

"Man I can't believe that I have a 5 page paper due in econ, man Mrs. Skipworth is cold-blooded." Groaned Conner,

"Well, of course she would mad at you dude, you fell asleep for the third time this week and you were snoring." Replied Ethan,

"Oh come on dude I wasn't EVEN snoring . . . hey wait." Conner admitted sheepishly as Ethan let out a stifled laugh.

"So how far along are you on the paper?" asked Ethan while containing his laughter,

"Well I got through a page and a half last night." Conner replied

"Hey that's not too bad." Replied Ethan,

"Yeah I know, hey where's Kira today?" asked Conner showing peeked interest in his question,

"Uh, I think she said something about helping Dr. O with organizing his old stuff." Ethan replied,

just as Ethan answered Conner's question Kira came up behind the guys and caught them off guard,

"Hey guys" Kira said very enthusiastically,

"Kira!" both teens said in unison,

"Hey I got some bad news, Dr. O is giving us a pop quiz on Monday." Kira finished with a bummed tone in her voice,

"Oh man, that's even more that I have to worry about now." Conner said hysterically,

"Well there goes my weekend of breaking in a new game." Ethan said,

"Kira, what did you do to make Dr. O so mad to give us a pop quiz?" Conner asked,

"Nothing I just made an old joke." Kira said innocently, both boys let out an exasperated groan at Kira's explanation.

"Well if that's the case then we're all dead." Said Conner,

"Yeah, we'd better have a better chance at taking out Mesogog than passing that quiz." Said Ethan,

"Well I hope Mesogog doesn't attack this weekend cuz I'm in way over my head." Said Conner in a hopeful tone,

"I don't know about you guys but I have to get ready for my gig tonight, see you guys tonight." Said Kira as she turned to leave.

(Tommy Oliver's privet study)

After Kira left Dr. O grabbed the box that held the mementos from his time with Kimberly, the look of hurt and regret filled his eyes. The "Legendary" Tommy Oliver was over came with the look of a heartbroken kid who lost his dog to old age. (Watermarked images in the background start) as Tommy looked at a picture of him hugging Kim from behind and her laughing, images of when Tommy asked Kim out for the first time, the time when he caught Kim after she fainted when she found out he was the "Mysterious" white ranger, the time when she was captured by Zedd and had her life-force drained, when she left for Florida to train for the Pan Global Games, and finally when he received "the letter".(end background images) snapping back to reality as he felt a single tear run down his face, leaving his desolate, tear welling eye. Tommy's way of cooping was for him to work out and practice his karate; in a way it helped him to quiet his mind. As he was about to go to the gym he heard a siren go off in his lab and he knew instantly what was happening, he had to collect his thoughts and focus his attention to the current battle at hand and contact his teammates. He held his communicator to his mouth,

"Conner guys come in." Dr. O said,

"We read you Dr. O, go ahead." Replied Conner,

"Looks like Mesogog sent down one of his little experiments, we need to take care of it." Dr. O said

"Ok, we're on it; see you there." Said Conner,

And with that Dr. O got into his morphing stance.

"Dino-Thunder Power Up, Ha."

(Outside the Cyber Café)

"Ok, we're on it; see you there." Said Conner,

With that the four teens got into their stance,

"Ready?" asked Conner,

"Ready" replied the three other teens,

"Dino-Thunder Power Up, Ha." All four called out.

(The Frank's Gym, Reefside)

A petite brunette haired woman walked in the gym wearing a pink tank top and a black leotard, she headed toward the balance bar to work out a routine for nothing but the benefit of keeping her Olympic gold medalist figure in shape. As she worked out her complex routine in the gym she unknowingly gathered the attention of everyone in the building, when she jumped of the beam for the end of her routine she was startled by the sudden applause she had received. Playing into the applause the took a graceful bow as the applause subsided, now heading over to the juice bar to get quick drink; the man behind the counter had the TV on when a special breaking news bulletin came across the screen warning the residents of Reefside that they were under another monster attack, for some reason the woman couldn't shake the feeling of déjà vu from her old high school days. Then out of nowhere five rangers appeared to defend the city, as she watched the live report go on she couldn't help but notice that the black ranger's fighting style was strangely familiar to her but he couldn't place her finger on it. She thought and pondered about it for a while until the black ranger did a triple roundhouse kick, then it hit her like a semi-truck, she knew who the black ranger was.

"No, it can't be. Could it?" she asked out loud,

"Is there a problem lady?" asked the bartender,

"What, oh no, just though I saw someone" she said as she trailed off,

'wow small world, if he cant give this up then I've still got a chance its not too late for me' she thought.

"Do you have a phone book back there?" she asked the bartender,

"Yeah sure." He replied as he handed her the book,

'I've got to find him.' She thought as she went flipping though the book.

(Downtown Reefside)

All five rangers where sent flying to the ground hard as a failed attack with their saber-max swords backfired on them,

"Uh, Dr. O any other ideas?" asked Ethan,

"Yeah we're getting our butts handed to us." Remarked Conner,

"I know guys he's stronger than he looks." Replied Dr. O,

"Giving up so soon rangers? Anymore of this and you'll become extinct." Said the terror-dragon rex, a monster who had the body of a dragon with spikes all over its back, and two monstrous swirled horns on both sides of its head; its body is all black with streaks of green running trough it, and its weapon of choice is a sword that is similar to Dr. O' brachio-sword but it has a wider frame to it and its hilt is in the form of a horned-dragon's tail.

"He's right, Conner I think its time to go Triassic." Kira said looking from the monster to Conner,

"Shield of Triumph!" Conner called out as the Shield of Triumph materialized into existence, then Kira and Ethan made their power contributions to the shield; which allowed Conner to tap into a new level of power,

"Ok creepy this ends now, Shield of Triumph!" Conner called out as he and the terror-dragon rex disappeared into another dimension where the final moments of this battle would take place.

(Shield of Triumph Dimension)

The Shield of Triumph Dimension is a perilous world with a warped, twisted, distorted reality where anything can and will happen; the monster came spinning down onto a lonely floating square area and landed hard on the surface while Conner now in Triassic Ranger mode gracefully landed on the plane with a flare about him.

"oww, my aching gizzards, where are we?" the monster asked as he slowly rose up where he was standing,

"This ends now, Shield of Triumph!" Conner called out as a large sword blade came up from the middle of the shield as Conner dashed at the monster with light speed.

(Back in reality)

Suddenly Conner appeared behind the monster kneeling with his right are extended back like he had just finished a devastating sword attack while the monster behind him slowly fell away from him on its face and as soon as the monster landed it exploded into a large fireball.

(The Mysterious Island Lair)

"I see that the first step in the plan was a total success." Mesogog hissed at his henchmen,

"Yes my lord they took the bait hook, line, and sinker. Its only a matter of time now." Answered Elsa, much to Zeltrax's jealousy because he was in the background while Elsa got the attention of their master.

"I guess you two aren't completely incompetent after all." Mesogog hissed in approval of the recent success of the plan.

"When can we begin phase II of the plan?" asked Mesogog,

"Patients my lord we still have yet to find the proper power source for the device yet, but I have a good idea where I can find it; but first I have to pay a certain someone a visit to do recon." Said Elsa,

"Make it fast Elsa, before I lose my interest in this plan." Hissed Mesogog,

"Don't worry my lord the rangers will be gone in no time." Elsa replied with an insidious grin on her face,

"So tell me about this power source and who has it." Mesogog inquired,

"well, he's been in this game for a while now, and he's been the strongest leader that any team of rangers has ever had." Said Elsa.

(The Cyber Café)

The Cyber Café was full for Kira's performance, and as always Conner, Ethan, Trent, and Dr. O sat in the front most table waiting to hear their friend and fellow teammate play her set. Just as the group of rangers sat down, the woman from the gym appeared not sure what was going on as she made her way to the bar to get a smoothie,

"Welcome to the Cyber Café what can I get you?" asked Hayley,

"um, let he have a straw-berry smoothie please." The woman replied, "you sure are busy tonight aren't you?" asked the woman

"yeah its because we an up and coming musical performer who performs here every few weeks." Hayley explained as she handed her the smoothie,

"if you excuse me I have to announce her before the crowd starts getting restless." Said Haley as she made her way to the stage.

"As always the Cyber Café is proud to present Kira Ford and her band." Hayley announced

"Thank you Hayley, wow a lot more people this week; anyway as Hayley said I'm Kira Ford and this is my band, I hope you guys are ready for a good show." Kira said as she started a riff on her guitar,

(Twenty-five minuets later)

As she finished the last number with a big musical power cord,

"Thank you guys, you were a great crowd and remember to thank Haley also because without her I wouldn't have a place to play my music. Good Night." Kira said,

As she walked off the stage the crowd was going crazy

"ENCORE, ENCORE, ENCORE, ENCORE!" the electrified crowd chanted,

She couldn't resist the reaction to the crowd and walked up on stage and took the microphone.

"Ok guys, one more song." She said, and the whole room erupted into cheers,

"This last song is an old song, but a good song that I think is a good representation of me and my friends" Kira announced while looking at her friends; who at the mention of this the three teens looked at each other wondering what she was talking about while Dr. O had a content look on his face because he helped Kira pick out the song that she was talking about.

FLASHBACK

Kira and Dr. O where in the middle of cleaning up the basement/ command center,

"Hey Dr. O?" asked Kira,

"Yeah Kira, whats up?" Dr. O responded,

"I need some help picking out a song for my set tonight, I think I might be short a song; can you help me?" asked Kira,

"Sure . . . I know why don't you sing Riders On The Storm?" Dr. O suggested,

"Riders on the what?" asked Kira confused,

"Riders On The Storm, it's a song that Creed did back in the day; I think its perfect for you" Dr. O said,

"Ok, do you have the song so I can listen to it?" Kira inquired,

"Yeah sure." Dr. O said as he made his way over to the main computer and fired up iTunes and searched for the song, when he found it he played the song for Kira to hear.

END FLASHBACK

After a few moments of Kira and the band playing intro riff of the song Kira started to sing,

Riders on the storm.

Riders on the storm.

Into this house we're born

Into this world we're thrown

Like a dog without a bone

An actor out on loan.

Riders on the storm.

There's a killer on the road.

His brain is squirming like a toad.

Take a long holiday

Let your children play.

If you give this man a ride

Sweet family will die.

Killer on the road.

Yeah.

Yeah!

Girl, you gotta love your man.

Girl, you gotta love your man.

Take him by the hand

Make him understand

The world on you depends.

Our life will never end.

You gotta love your man.

Yeah, yeah, yeah

Riders on the storm.

Riders on the storm

Into this house we're born

Into this world we're thrown

Like a dog without a bone

An actor out on loan.

Riders on the storm.

Riders on the storm.

Riders on the storm.

Riders on the storm.

Riders on the storm.

Yeah!

Riders on the storm.

We're riders on the storm.

Storm, storm

We're riding on the storm

Yeah!

Riders on

Yeah!

Yeah!

Yeah, yeah, yeah

Riders on the storm

As Kira and band finished the song the crowd was ecstatic over the performance,

"Ok guys that my set and the end of the show, you guys where great; see you next time." Kira said

After she set the microphone down she made her way over to her friends to chat with them,

"Hey guys, what did you think about the performance?" asked Kira,

"It was great, cant you hear the crowd still going crazy about it?" Conner said,

"Yeah Kira, you smashed the performance tonight." Ethan said while Trent nodded,

"Thanks again for helping pick the song Dr. O, for an old fossil you know your stuff." Kira said with a smile on her face, while the others gave her the death glare

"Sure Kira anytime, and as for the fossil joke do you want to make it two pop quizzes this week?" asked Dr. O with a grin on his face,

"No, sorry, please don't do that to us." Kira begged,

"Well . . . just this one time I'll forgive you, but first quiz still stands." Dr. O said with an even larger grin on his face.

"Aw man." All four teens groaned at Dr. O's response.

A few hours later Hayley announced that I was closing time and that everyone had to go,

"well you guys better get going, wouldn't want your parents to be worried about you." Dr O said as he walked with is students out the door,

"You heading home too Dr. O?" asked Ethan,

"Yeah might as well I do have a quiz to right up." Said Dr. O with a chuckle in his voice,

"ok, ok, ok, no more old jokes." Said Kira,

"alright, night guys." Dr. O bid his students,

"night Dr. O" the four teens said as all five rangers parted ways for home.

(in a split-screen all five rangers simultaneously crawl into bed and begin having dreams of things that go bump in the night.)

KIRA'S DREAM:

Random images of a dark circular room with a globe at one end and a large blue tube at the other end, images of Dr O wearing a green suit, a white suit, a red suit, and then a black suit but she couldn't tell if it was a ranger suit or not. On top of those images were ones of a mystery city under attack, and images of a staff with a large 'Z' at the end; images of a rip in the sky growing by the second as thing start to disappear, and finally the last image that jarred from her all but peaceful sleep was an image of Conner unconscious on the ground at the mercy of a winged monkey in gold armor. At this final image she bolted upright in bed with large cold beads of sweat all over her body

"ok, wow, I've got to stop with the hot cheetos before bed." Kira said as she lay back down.

CONNER'S DREAM:

Conner's dream for some reason was just a bunch of random thoughts; thoughts of abandonment, thoughts of having to morph but being able to, thoughts of confusion of who where the villains he was up against, and finally as if someone had turned on the TV Conner had an image of Kira lying lifeless on a table in front of a large blue tube. As this image and thought crossed his mind he rolled over in sleep and rolled out of bed and fell hard on the cold wooden floor.

"oof, ok no more hot cheetos before bed." Conner said holding his sides, after he picked himself back up he got back in be and was fast asleep again in a matter of moments.

ETHAN'S DREAM:

Ethan's dream was like something out of a highlight reel of the power ranger teams throughout time, but the highlights were from the first power ranger team. Every fist to fist fight, every zord fight, and every defeat that the first team suffered; but it was weird because the last fight which ended in a loss Ethan felt like he was there and what was even stranger is that Conner, Kira, and Trent were there, but yet Dr. O was no where to be found. Ethan woke up calmly and made his way to the bathroom as he came back and layback down, and thought 'man Dr. O has us taking this ranger this way too seriously.'

TRENT'S DREAM:

Trent had visions of being in a castle on the moon ruled by a man with a silver staff with a large 'Z' on it and a woman who was a sorceress with help from their henchmen which included a winged monkey in gold armor and a walking skeleton warrior and for some reason what looked like a green power ranger? How could that be possible but then again he was evil so in a way it made sense, but then suddenly the whole area went blank as if time and space were suddenly destroyed in an instant. As Trent's mind wondered through obliterated reality he remained asleep.

DR. O'S DREAM:

Tommy was in fight with Goldar as he came to his friend's rescue, when he had dished enough damage to Goldar to make him retreat back to the moon palace the other rangers came to his side,

"Hey bro, thanks for your help but, what's up with the new outfit?" asked the Red Ranger, Jason Scott asked,

"Jace, what are you talking about I'm the green . . ." Tommy trailed off as he noticed he wasn't wearing the green ranger suit but rather a mesh of the green, white, red, and finally black ranger outfits then he noticed there were two red rangers, two blue rangers, two yellow rangers, and one white ranger,

"Conner? Kira? Ethan? Trent?" Tommy asked hoping he was imagining it,

"Yeah, Dr. O." the four teens said in unison, then he heard it clear as day; a deep all knowing voice,

"TOMMY, THE FABERIC OF TIME AND SPACE IS IN DANGER, ONLY YOU AND ONE OTHER CAN SAVE THE UNIVERSE FROM A HORRIBLE FATE. GOOD LUCK AND MAY THE POWER PROTECT YOU." The voice said

And at this Dr. O bolted up in bed in disbelieve as if he had seen a ghost.

"Did I really just hear that? No. is it even possible?" at this Dr. O went down into his basement/command center to see if there are any abnormalities in the morphing grid or anywhere else.

[ollifree]

THANK GOD YOU REPOSTED I HAVE HAD TERRON MY SPIFFY FELLER ON MY MIND LIKE YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE (and also Great Uncle because for some reason they always appear together in my head). SO if I may I would like to ask 5 and 8 and maybe 7 for Caedan Amell (also my spiffy feller) if I can really be greedy 8) 8) 8)

hope you're having a lush as hell day my olli friend!!

ladkfjakfjkdjfk my friend my beloved you absolute peach you always know just which ocs to ask about uwu you can be as greedy as you want mwuah mwuah mwuah

5. letters between two of your OC’s companions about them

Excerpts from correspondence between Queen Lani Theirin-Cousland and Zevran Arainai. Both passages have been translated from the original Antivan. (featuring surprise guest @atypicalacademic's Chancellor of Ferelden, Sahi Tabris)

"...although we are able to twist their arms by reminding them who killed the archdemon. Half the time the alienage needs any kind of resource I have to say 'give me a non-racist reason' out loud to get them to shut up long enough we can push it through. I'd give Sahi access to the treasury every time it happens but we'd be cleaned out within a week."

"We could always pay you a visit in court. I am sure seeing their hero so angry on behalf of our fellow elves would chide most of them into silence. If not, you are aware my services are always available to you. I'll even throw in a discount!"

8. your OC’s doctor/healer talking about their injuries

An unsigned note with handwriting that matches Kinloch Hold's Senior Enchanter Wynne's. The note has been found shoved hastily in a desk drawer and seems to have been written without intention of sharing.

"I cannot say I've ever expected to pen these words, but thank the Maker Caedan's been proven right. Two long days and Terron's finally awake. Why the other wardens seemed so certain he would perish of his wounds is beyond me. Regardless, it is good to see them all smile again. As to the wounds themselves: Several broken ribs, as I feared. Terron is adamant we not use magic to heal them just yet. There are enough near death that need our attention more. Such a considerate young man. What would we do without him? Another skull fracture, which has already been mended. Hopefully with the blight well and truly at rest his propensity for slamming his head on every surface will cease as well. Cuts and bruising, as can be expected. No infections. He claims not to have dislocated anything. He's popped that shoulder back into place on his own so often I've no choice to consider it a lie until proven otherwise."

7. someone describing a time your OC hurt them

A journal entry from Alice Amell during her time at Skyhold.

"It was him. The little brother they stole from us then took from me. As unbearable - as abusive as the Gallows were, I'm sure we could have survived them together. You heard stories in the city, and Mama looked like she might break when I froze my wine at dinner, but I would see our little brother again. But when the templars came for me, they had already sent him across the sea. I hoped he might be at Skyhold. That the revolution would reunite us at last. I heard about what he did. His name was whispered between pages at lessons and over plates at meals. A veteran of a blight, and here I thought myself impressive for surviving Meredith. The boy following Lady Morrigan around - Kieran - he has our look. His skin and eyes are Chasind, but his cheeks and jaw and the way he stands are Amell. I asked Senior Enchanter Surana after I saw her speaking with him. I should have known from how she hedged her answers how this would go. He came back to me. Our lost brother. Everyone through history will point to the scar in the sky as a miracle, as though Caedan walking into Skyhold couldn't have brought our entire family to their knees. But when I finally approached him, when I told him who I was - I can't forget what his face did. I can't describe it. Walling himself off, from me. He'd grown so much, even taller than Father I think. Did I misremember his eyes? I always thought of them as grey. He was so cold. And his words. I can't - He didn't say as much, but it felt like staring up at a viper. Like if I did anything but turn and leave he'd kill me."

#ask #wild-houseplant #olli writes #terron mahariel #caedan amell #great uncle is very honored thank u #that first one went from 'huh wonder which ppl would write about terron' #to 'i know exactly who would gossip about their husbands' real quick #i didn't want to go the obvious route and write surana for caedan #and Oh Boy did alice have a lot to say #also yes caedan's eyes Were grey magic turned them black #fun lore fact

[photographertherapistblogger2]

So it's been a while since a write a decent journal and thought let's do this after the week I've had or few weeks now. So it started just before Easter when I received any email saying I've been nominated for a house I bid on, in total shocking called this number and they infact gave me loads of information on what I needed to do next. The next day I had people coming to view what state the flat was in and they were happy apart from I needed totake up carpets and laminate flooring before I leave which I can honestly see is gonna be a pain in the ass with a frozen shoulder. Any initial reaction of girls was ok obviously a little scared and a little upset about it due to there dad living over the road from us and the fear of the unknown. After a little chat they seemed to be reassured etc. Thought no more on the situation anyway until they went to see there dad and omg did the shit hit the fan.

Since then my ex has done sly little things just to cause more stress like talking to the kids about this constantly and trying to manipulate them and make them feel sorry for him so they don't wanna move, he was trying to make out that moving is a bad idea etc etc and this has confused them and probably ruined the excitement for them. I have explained that contact won't change because there's a court order in place and that we will just be moving 10-15mins away but obviously he's blown it out of all proportion and not actually listened to me. Anyway twice last week he's been to the girls school to try stop us from moving and I was having issues with the school because Easter and just before so thought oh shit if they tell him anything that's it he's going to social. After having a think nd seeing logical side I did my research and he can't stop me from moving, he can't really call social because I'm a good mom and I only have the girls best interests at heart so whatever happens I'm cool with because I have nothing to hide.

If that wasn't enough I was told I could only have one pet in this new property so that was a heart stopper, anyway my friend said she would help find homes for them and stuff but it came sooner than I thought and was told on Sunday that I had to take them on Tuesday so didn't get timetable process that. I feel absolutely heartbroken that my two favourites had to go first and I feel like such a horrible because it's like I abandoned them, what made it harder was I ended up having to catch the bus and meet my friend God knows where then get off the bus with the 2 cats in tow causing me even more anxiety.

It was horrible I've got both cats meowing loudly because I felt like they knew what was gonna happen and made it harder, I had someone on the bus thinking I was taking them to the vet and telling me she could tell they just wanted to go home then got lost and walked past the place we dropped them at twice. Pixel is a timid boy and i was totally he safe space and his world and echo was so loving lately and we'd been through alot together too so yeah I habpve special bond with them because I saw them being born. I'm still in shock of everything that's happened this week but it will make me stronger.

Honestly that's not even the end of it, I still had to deal with taking my daughter to her adhd appointment to start the ball rolling on assessments which was scary for elena and I was tired and didn't know what to expect either. There was so much to think about and so much to explain and couldn't take it all in should of taken a note pad really but I should be receiving a letter with everything on there so fingers crossed.

Anyway when I felt like things were OK someone who I thought didn't wanna talk to me anymore started chatting again and I was obviously confused, so I thought fair enough seems valid reason not mentioning at first I was unsure of this person now I have some feelings for this guy and felt lost when he didn't chat to me. He's obviously wanted to reconnect after not having a phone anymore but when we first started talking it was fun and had plenty of deep conversations and I just feel like something is different. He confessed a few things last night which he said he held back due to thinking I would abandoned him like a few others but I'm supportive not judgy but then thinking about it that could be a slight manipulation I don't know.

Since then he barely spoke because I said that it's OK to feel feelings etc but there should be a certain amount of time spent being upset of something you can't control and to try self oothing techniques. I get that it's hard because I am still stuck in places I don't wanna be but I feel like its opportunity instead of a way of holding myself back mentally but I'm trying to change things bit by bit. Moving is gonna be massive thing for me and once I'm settled it will be a good thing I believe. I hope people understand what I'm trying to say there but isn't meant to upset but encourage. Tell me about your week?

#motivation #mental health #self care #personal growth #gratitude #selfworth #goal setting #self improvement

[galaxygrv]

cw for explicit descriptive abuse + bullying. it is explained what it is (hitting, hair ripping, verbal, destruction of personal valuables, starvation, etc etc) and most experiences are explained in detail. reminder that this is a big vent for us.

some older memories we have below the read more. we added detailed explanations for them. 98% of these are from ages 3-14 . this is a long post and it gets worse as the post goes on. however, i did not include some memories due to their explicit and incredibly triggering nature.

psst: some of these are prone to "change", we have dissociative amnesia and our memories shift around a lot. there is no guarantee that any of these are completely accurate, so im only including the ones that are consistent through time.

> insert five vague warrior cats larp sessions we had with our friends at the time

> i remember this was the main way our elementary friends would bully us. it was mostly an excuse to injure and berate us while still including us in the friendgroup.

> fighting with our friends all the time because they were bullying us (physically !) and they got mad we retaliated and blamed it all on us.

> this is from ages 6-14. theres other more specific memories but they moved from just pushing/biting/pulling hair/hitting in elementary to straight up stealing our food (all of it, they would run away and eat it and then throw the garbage at us when we found them) and holding us down and trying to make us bruise as dark as possible (we were anemic and severely malnourished, we bruise easy). it was sadistic and fucked up, we hate that they would deny it even directly after they did it.

> i think that last part counts as gaslighting ? just realized this

> classic "mom and dad are screaming at each other again"

> they would often complain to us afterwards, still insulting the other. we were caught in the middle of it all the time, theyd try and win us over. we had a strong sense of justice (autism) so we would judge it by a case-by-case basis. of course we were still biased by whoever was talking to us afterwards, but sometimes even that didnt sway us.

> classic #2 "mom and dad are screaming at me again"

> the majority of times this was bcuz of our arfid. plus we were likely in the middle of developing dissociation techniques so it would make our arfid 500x worse (we all have arfid and different tastes in food based on whos fronting/cocon/etc. so as a developing sys we were in for a wild ride)

> having food shoved into our mouth during school hours from the security staff.

> this was because of our arfid and our knowledge of our limits. we said "ill throw up! i hate it!" and theyd get surprised when we spat it out or threw up and cried. they would often keep us after lunch hours ended to try and humiliate us into complying. this was almost every day, btw. the force feeding wasnt every single day, usually once a week, but the after-lunch humiliation was every day. kindergarten to 5th grade.

> we eventually started trying to give our friends our lunches so the staff would think we ate it. sometimes other kids that didnt like us would tell the staff what we were doing, and other times we'd get caught passing it under the table.

> the day we decided to stop delivering the "your child refuses to eat" letters that various staff members at school would give us.

> it was tiring and we'd always get yelled at by our parents afterwards, so we decided it wasnt worth it anymore. it was the same thing over and over again, and we were over it by that point. they continued giving letters until we graduated to middle school. thankfully the staff there didnt care if we ate or not, which was very jarring but we were very happy about it.

> insert reading about dissociation and going "haha i dont do that at all!" when we just forgot we do

> later reading about dissociation two years later and realizing "oh shit. i do that all the time. what the fuck"

> the year we figured it out was almost directly after this we quit therapy. we also promptly figured out we were a system after coming across some system instagram accounts.

> trying to sing with our friend in front of our music class in elementary and no one acknowledges it, even when the teacher tells them to

> i think this is around the time we developed social anxiety (which is likely avpd now). its such a tiny event but its haunted us since it happened. we think of it almost daily.

> getting our art + writing notebooks being thrown away by our "friends" and losing an entire year's worth of work)

> this was done by the most physically violent pair of kids we knew. i saw it happen and tried to get them back but they dragged us away (grabbing us + pulling/pushing and hitting us if we struggled) before the teacher saw anything. we told our teacher but she didnt believe us about the hitting, but said she'd check for the notebooks on monday (it was a friday, which is the day that the garbage was taken out, so we lost those notebooks forever).

> many, many birthdays where we ended up crying because our friends were still the same as they were in school.

> these are some of the most blurry memories, we only remember one with detail. we were incredibly overstimulated and when paired with the bullying, as an autistic kid with no coping mechanisms does, we shut down. we couldnt talk, move, really not much else other than cry and push/hit anyone that came near us. we genuinely felt like we were in real danger (which.. we kinda were), the physical reaction was not out of malice. our mom had to end the party early and got mad that we reacted like that, it was a big party at our house and she spent a lot of time and money on it.

> one of our friends friends would take our entire lunchbox (which was often the only food we would get in the day) and eat it all . our other friends thought it was hilarious, even my girlfriend at the time didnt care about it, they told us to just eat at home. we ended up reporting them to one of the counselors and they got talked to, which resulted in them telling our mutual friends. this then turned into everyone getting mad at us for not taking the joke, and they ignored everything we said for around three weeks. we ended up eating in various teachers classrooms for those weeks, which pissed off the security staff, who then wrote us a referral card for disobedience.

> this is a little extension of our friends stealing our food and running off with it. we told our mom and she told us to tell someone because we needed to stand up for ourselves, otherwise it would continue. it still happened after they stopped ignoring us, so we gave up and let them do it.

> our P.E./leadership teacher in middle school would bully and humiliate us. im not exaggerating, he genuinely watched other kids HIT US and said it was our fault that we werent defending ourselves. he would allow the other kids to berate us and lie about our "ulterior motives", which was mostly skipping assignments (which was actually us just putting our head down because we didnt others seeing us crying).

> in P.E. he would throw things (typically the balls for sports and such) at us and pretend to be sorry when we cried. he would often single us out and start literal CHANTS of the entire class telling us to join in on the assignment. which was often very tough workouts and random sports, things we could not focus on due to dissociation and we often were punished for not doing it correctly or having a subpar performance (due to: arfid and malnutrition/starvation consequences)

> bonus: he would also abuse the other kids. he threatened to write up a kid if he didnt keep running The Mile , who had an extreme nosebleed that covered him in blood (the kid ended up passing out after trying to continue). one of my friends also had an asthma attack during that same day and he said she was faking it as she was on the floor begging for her inhaler (i ended up being the one to drag her to the nurses office halfway across the school, and by that point she could barely breathe).

> bonus bonus: the teacher did not get in trouble for any of this, he was loved by the other staff members. even my mom tried talking to the principal and he didnt get any repercussions.

(this one is very detailed and long and deals with eating disorders + medical malpractice (i think thats the correct term))

> we went to an eating disorder clinic for our arfid at around 14 years old. we were placed with the younger kids (mostly aged 8-12), all of which had either bulimia or anorexia. they did not focus on our arfid at any point despite saying they did, and lied about our behavior and condition to our parents.

> they would starve us. yes im serious. they would yell and gather the staff around in a group and take our food from our hands and tell us we needed to sit with the other kids (which we avoided due to past experiences: read literally anything to do with the other memories in this list). they would not let us eat, even after we complained about severe hunger pains, which btw would make our legs give out and we couldnt do anyrhing but curl up and cry. they often used the excuse of "theres no one to watch you eat" even though there were usually up to five staff members watching me beg for food. we were yelling and screaming at them to give us food, which they responded by calling our parents and telling them we were refusing to eat and that we needed a feeding tube. we broke at that point and started screaming at the phone that they were lying, so they hung up after saying we needed to be brought to the hospital.

> we got screamed at in the car the entire ride home after that (around 30 minutes). we were so dissociated the entire time we couldnt remember a word that was said, we just sat there. we couldnt even explain what they were lying about, we couldnt remember they were talking about the hospital or feeding tube at all, just that they lied about something. our parents then decided we were lying because we couldnt keep our story straight, and decided that if we didnt cooperate with them then theyd hospitalized us. we ended up sucking it up and eating with the group after that, which we cried while eating and the staff members got mad at us for it, saying we were triggering the other kids.

> we got put outside the group therapy room a lot for "triggering the other kids", even though we were told to vent about our problems. we actually couldnt recognize nor remember our bullying/abuse experiences, as dissociation does, so we would talk about our eating (that was our only other irl thing we did, we didnt have any friends left at this point, nor were we allowed outside the house). if we talked about food, no matter if it was positive or negative, we were told to leave and to think about what we did ("triggering the other kids"). which, btw, none of them talked about being triggered.

> the adults would also vent about their adult problems, which was meant to put them on a level that the rest of us were on, but.. they would talk about extreme problems. like ptsd/trauma experiences and severe abuse. and murder/death. and graphic injury. things that the kids werent allowed to talk about. it was weird, and we're autistic and didnt understand at the time so we obviously asked about it, and got told that theyre adult problems, so adults get to talk about it. makes no sense but ok!

> also, the other kids were treated like shit. we (/sys) were often singled out, but its not like the others were spared from it. this little girl, and we still remember her so clearly, had to be around 8-9 years old. she was anorexic, as was a result of her parents, and she LOVED horses. she got moved from a ranch to the city for her ED, and was told once she got her feeding tube removed then she could go horseback riding again. of course, because this clinic is full of sadistic pieces of shit, the day she got it removed was also the day she got it put back in, per request of her parents. she was hysterical, and we never saw her again. that was the moment we realized they were really just feeding off our pain, some need for power over sick kids or something. there was no reason to put the tube back in, she was at a stable weight and was ready to begin eating again. her parents just wanted it back in, that was the only explanation they gave her (they told her this in front of the group before she was taken out of the room to get it put back in)

> also they seperated this girl from her entire fucking friendgroup, removed her support system (therapist + friends), forced her to stay with her ABUSIVE parents all the time (being on 1:1 watch with them as well), and blamed her for all her problems. they gaslit her into believing her girlfriend, who was six months older than her, was an adult that was grooming and abusing her, even though the girlfriend was the one to say that her parents were abusive, and had videocalled and shown proof of her age MANY times. there was absolutely no evidence of abuse. we watched her mental health decline exponentially. she was so, so bright and happy and fun to be around, and by the end of her stay at the clinic she was nothing like she used to be. it was so sad to see her decline, and we even told her we would give her our contact info if she needed to talk, but she refused and said she was "better" now.

> there were a few other patients that were treated okay i think, and we met a girl that went there in the past (she was in the teen group) at my highschool later on. she often praised the place when it was brought up and said we were exaggerating, but we know we werent. we cried every day before and after we went, we were miserable and in pain all the time. we suffered from severe restrictive disordered eating soon after that (which i will NOT go into detail about. however: believe me when i say it was severe). we also gained around half our body weight within three weeks, which by the way was incredibly fucking dangerous and should NOT have happened. we had been starved and malnourished since birth, thats an absolutely insane route to take for weight gain. they said we were "healthier" and that it was a "safer" weight at the end of it, but in reality we were overweight and still. fucking. malnourished. we got healthier an entire year later. we were a perfectly healthy and stable weight at the beginning of the stay, too! we are still borderline overweight now, but we feel a bit better about our body now that its been a while since the clinic.

> also, as a bonus, they tried to diagnose us with anorexia because we paced around our room while daydreaming! our mom convinced them not to do an automatic diagnosis based off of that, but they still threatened us (privately) that theyd still do it if i didnt stop pacing.

> ah, bonus bonus: when we were getting tested for vitals, the doctors thought we were lying about our reactions to the malnutrition (our only obvious symptoms were severe and constant hunger pains, and blacked out vision from our iron deficiency. we never passed out thou!!!). it turns out we were likely a month or two away from death if we had continued to live like we were ^^ the only reason we werent hospitalized is bcuz we were there voluntarily at the time.

anyways thats uhm. most of our old memories. sorry for the long ass post. i actually dont remember any positive ones right now (which i intended to include as a happy ending to this post) which is not odd for us but im still a little disappointed about it lol

#cw abuse #abuse cw #cw eating disorder #eating disorder cw #vent cw #cw vent #🐾 #our posts #this was painful to write but nice to get it out i guess

[thistexanlife]

Dear old friend,

You've been visiting me a lot lately while I sleep. In my dreams, you're almost always aloof—you're nursing a wound from something I don't remember doing to you, or you're impatient to walk away when I try talking to you, or once, you acted like you didn't know me at all. When I awoke, I realized I couldn't blame you, at least not really... it's been so long since we last really knew each other that I'm honestly not sure there's much left of the versions of each other we used to know. I don't even know what you look like anymore... in those dreams, my brain just drops your teenage self into my adult life and I never think to question it.

I wonder, though: if you don't remember me, do you at least remember the winter when we would spend long nights talking in your car with the seats leaned way back? I'd lock the doors at work, you'd pick me up in your station wagon, and we'd drive down back roads until the neighborhoods disappeared, drive until the trees hemmed us in, drive until we reached the clearing where we had the whole sky to ourselves. We'd bundle up under blankets and try to sift through all the sadness we felt, try to dig through the rubble of how it feels when someone you love dies, try to determine if that melancholy was something that would one day change or if that was just how we felt, always had, and always would. (Have you found Phoebe Bridgers as an adult? The first time I heard the song "Funeral," my breath hitched, and it always always always makes me think of that winter.)

Or if you don't remember that, do you remember the winter when we wrote each other long letters? You were dark blue, and I was light blue (okay, medium blue), and once or twice a week I'd wake up to your missives from one frozen town to another. Would you believe I saved them all, me, the Marie Kondo stan who saves nothing? I wish I could share them all with you now. In one, you said this thing I really love: "I wonder if something me or someone I know makes will ever get old enough to stop belonging to us and start belonging to everyone and anyone." Do these letters belong to me now, if I kept them and you've forgotten them? Do they belong to everyone?

There are no winters in my life anymore, not here in Texas, at least not the real kind, no hibernal season-of-the-sticks when the sun sets at 4:00 PM and you fumble anxiously in the dark for some source of warmth, a blanket or a bottle of bourbon or a stranger's warm body or maybe all three. You know that, of course; you had a turn with these mild southern Januarys and still chose to turn on your heel and head back North as soon as you could. Sometimes I think that was the final nail for us, the last time we spoke, when I said how much I love this place and you looked at me like I'd joined a cult. Tell me if I'm wrong, but in that moment, I could see, a little, that you'd never trust my judgment again. Old friend, I don't entirely blame you. This place is beautiful, but it's a fuckin' mess, too. I wish you'd gotten to see both sides of that coin.

Truthfully, though, I also mean it in a metaphorical sense, that I just don't have those kinds of emotional winters anymore. I think some of that is the extra hours of sunlight, although a larger part is probably age and maturity... and maybe the rest is just Lexapro. Have you ever taken an antidepressant? It's a sort of weird experience—first finding yourself in a world where things that had been crushing you feel so easy to lift, and then trying to find a level where the heaviest things don't crush you but the lightest things can still lift you off your feet. Sometimes I find myself wishing I could titrate it all, muffle all my feelings when it's late at night and they're trending anxious and lonely, and amplify them when I'm on the couch with a glass of red wine and a Taylor Swift album. (Would you believe I only cried once when I heard the last album? Did I even like Taylor Swift when you knew me?) Maybe that's just me on my own bullshit like always, wanting to choreograph every emotional moment for maximum poignancy and then turn on all the lights on set when things get too intense.

I know it's ridiculous, and a little self-centered, but sometimes I used to wonder if I lost you as a friend when I lost the ability to feel that kind of sadness, that deep blue ocean where your legs have been treading water for so long that they forget what it felt like to stand on dry land. On some level, choosing to fold it up and pack it away, to get some therapy and some coping skills, felt like a betrayal of our sacred bond, like a sledgehammer to the foundation on which you and I had built our houses. Am I crazy for thinking that? You once called me a used car salesman, back at a time when the idea of being happy felt like a hazy dream, and you were right—I was spending a lot of energy trying to fake it. These days, though, I don't do any faking. I guess I pretended to be somebody I wanted to be until finally I became that person. Or he became me.

One last thought: I don't miss you anymore, old friend, but I do still think about you sometimes. I think about you and me on that dark hillside, linking arms, howling at the moon, and I wish I could send you every good vibration on this planet. I know that even if I saw you one day on this side of the fence, you might still turn your head away and keep walking... but I'd still love to catch a glimpse of you in the daylight.

Anyway, don't be a stranger, now.

With love,

even still,

even if only a little,

[wildcatofgreen]

Dear bestfriend,

Send me one "Dear---" and I'll write a letter to this person

. . .

She'd opt not to send anything to these people. It'll be an exercise in venting. Get stuff off her chest before dealing with it. Or maybe she'd never deal with it. It all depends, really.

She crossed her legs at her desk, grabbing a pen and paper.

Alright, Carol. Practice time. Shouldn't be too hard, right? It's just...

It's a letter to Lilac. How hard could it be?

Dear Lilac,

Hey, what's up? It's been a while since we talked. Or, like, even SAW each other. You're all the way over there, I'm still at Shang Tu with Sonar. You remember him, right? I mean, of course you do. You two were best buds before ya left. Second only to your's truly of course.

...

She could tell her properly, couldn't she? Just pretend that earlier never happened. Pretend this was their first interaction in forever.

Well you'll never guess what happened!!! Me and Sony are getting married now!!! I'm gonna be his super duper cool bride and he'll be my super duper cool husband and you'll even be my ring bearer!!!! If you wanna. Ya dont gotta. But itd be super duper cool to have the whole trio back again! Like remember back at the tree house we'd hang out like ALL OF THE TIME??? Watching movies, playing video games, IT WAS SO MUCH FUN!!! WE SHOULD DO THAT AGAIN BEFORE I GET MARRIED!!!

She smiled at her words. Maybe they should do that again. Scummy or not, she does remember everyone having fun back then. It'd be nice.

Also hey Lilac dont tell anyone this secret but I think I wanna kiss you--

Scribble, scribble, scribble, scribble, scribble.

She couldn't confess like THAT. That'd be awful. Fuck.

BTW Lilac i got something to tell you but i'm gonna save it until the end. READ THROUGH THE WHOLE LETTER BEFORE GETTING TO THAT PART.

That's better.

...Oh who was she kidding that made it so much worse. Thank the stones she's not sending this out.

How's the search goin? You find any cool treasures out there? Bet youd find a whole skull out there that'd all OLD and stuff. Maybe its got jewels in it's eyes. SEND THAT TO ME IF IT DOES :P.

I bet if it's taking you THIS long fish lady must be a lost cause pretty hard to find right? Like where did she even go if she's not found in a week right? Seriously maybe you should check some super cool villages or something. Break their pots then ask them where a giant fish lady is. Theyd bring you right to her and youd have to fight her like it's an rpg LMAO. BET THAT'D BE FUN TO DO AGAIN XD

i kinda miss you not gonna lie. Like you got your bestie around you all the time and suddenly she's gone and you dont know what to do anymore. i got sony so im okay but its still hard lyli. i kinda wanna see you again at least. like i love you so much (((AS A FRIEND))) idk if id ever wanna be without you.

oh no are we at this part already? fuck okay. im just gonna say it because youll neve see this ill shred it up yo can even red it because i wont be tellin you abot it so HA.

lilac i love you so much i wnt too kiss you so much. ive been in love w u so much so LONG i wish you likeed me back i wish i could kiss you lyli. i love you somuch lylii wish i could be there is it dark out there is it scary outthere i promise id hug you and kiss you again and again and again just tto ma--

She crumbled up the paper. That was enough for her.

Shoot it into the trash can at the far end of the room--NOTHIN' BUT NET BABY.

She smiled, sorrowful. Can't wait until this was over.

#carol's cruisings #asks #atangledfate #meme answers

[tuffc0okie]

09.24.22

I'm watching The Miseducation of Cameron Post and reflecting on my time in the church. It's crazy to think about how the last church I went to told my Dad, who was an associate pastor and worship leader at (and at many churches we went to everywhere we moved), that he needed to "maintain his household before leading the congregation" when I started listening to secular metal and was into alternative fashion. Being so sheltered and cut off from the world, I didn't even know anyone at all who was LGBTQIA even remotely yet I still had a huge crush on the pastors daughter (we will just call her B). We were inseparable, we spent so much time walking through the neighborhood, having sleepovers, dressing up and singing to musicals on CD, spending time with her family, just everything really. We'd also spend a lot of time swimming together and I remember I didn't really have any sexual attraction, but more I found women mesmerizing. I remember having dreams of the lifeguards and of her swimming underwater and looking like ethereal mermaids... almost like in a Sextape by Deftones way before I ever discovered it.

I remember one day she made this elaborate story about some boy from her school who had a huge crush on me. I was homeschooled, so I didn't really spend any time with boys at all and I was super curious about it and, when I would ask her about how he knew he had these feelings about me she would tell me she told him everything about me. I asked her more and more and she would tell me these stories about how he wanted to meet me, but then I noticed when she showed me a "picture" of him, that is was the same picture cut out from a teens magazine I had snuck home (because I wasn't able to have teen mags then). She would give me letters he had supposedly written me and they would always be so messy. One day I burst into her house to play with her and she wasn't in her room and I found half written letters she was still working on to give me. I realized I was being gullible but I kept playing along.

There was a new girl who came to the church (we will call her K) and she was coming around more when her parents got much more involved in the church, so naturally her and I were at church hanging around 4 or 5 days a week. We naturally became inseparable like B and I had been, and, I remember one time specifically when she saw K and I passing notes with little hearts and our hands... lingered... we had held hands when the congregation would pray and I would always be softly rubbing the outside of her hand but this time was different... and B saw. From that day forward none of the moms wanted me to hang out with their daughters and B would ignore me. The pastor, her father, pulled me aside and told me "I wasn't welcome in HIS house of God if I wanted to live in sin and tempt other young women down an unrighteous path". I was scorned and hated everyone in the church from that moment forward. I only wanted to hang out with the older guys who were in hardcore bands, but secretly it wasn't because I wanted to be with them, I wanted to be in bands with them. Just like I wanted to play football with the boys in elementary school and was told I couldn't unless I shaved my head, which my Dad wouldn't let me.

I remember I still saw K though, we would spend tons of time together and steal kisses in the bathroom while we did our makeup side by side. Though she always had a boyfriend, she would always insist it was so easy- all you had to do was choose the one you want and say yes. After many nervous nights of laying beside her with my arms by my side, we eventually found ourselves cuddling. I loved her candy smelling perfume and how girly she was. I was mesmerized. Her family eventually heard about it and I couldn't spend time with her anymore, though we used to meet in the neighborhood sometimes and talk, it faded away. I wonder if the church brought this up to my Dad or not. I wonder how he felt, maybe he felt betrayed? Maybe he saw how fucked up the drama of the church was and how judgmental and hateful these "followers of God" were? I want to ask him but I'm still scared, considering I hid my wedding day from him until I had already been married for months...

[ectoplasmer]

so, I spent a ton of time rolling around how exactly I wanted to make this post; I didn't know whether or not I should make it as some sort of letter to my f/os, I'm not sure if I wanted it to be a big huge multi-paragraph post, I wasn't sure how to frame a lot of things with it. But now that I'm actually sitting down and typing this, I don't think I really need to legitimize how this post is constructed. I'm just going to type... and see where it gets me. Talk about how I got here and how the past year has been with these characters in my life, and just. appreciate them :) I'm starting out a bit heavy here, so there is a content warning for animal death and a bit of negativity. Don't feel entitled to read <3

My aunt's dog passed away on July 14th last year. I spent the day leading up to it sick with nervousness and wondering how I'd deal with the feelings that came with losing a dog that had been with me throughout my whole life. I spent a lot of time feeling guilty because I hadn't seen her very often after my aunt moved out of our house. I spent so much time thinking about certain memories I had with this dog and how much I loved her. I remember arriving at my aunt's apartment and just breaking down sobbing, because I thought about how this dog used to literally shake in place whenever she saw me, how she used to always be so excited by my arrival or appearance. But now she couldn't do that; her legs didn't work much anymore, and she looked so frail. She was still excited to see me, still dragged herself to the doorway when I arrived, but I could tell it took her so much energy to do it.

Taking her to the vet wasn't much better. I'd already begun crying when the doctor tried to walk us through the urn pamphlet, and going through the experience of seeing her lay there, when she wasn't even really there... it hurt. A lot. And I think that's to be expected. But I went home afterwards, after sitting with my aunt in her car for a while just to make sure we both recovered from whatever heartbreak we'd undergone, and I sat in my living room and went about the rest of the day. Maybe it's weird of me to say, but I thought it'd be worse. Don't get me wrong, I still miss her. I still miss that dog so much and even typing this has me tearing up because I'm trying to recollect whatever even happened during this time, but I thought I'd be more... torn up over it, I guess. I felt almost numb about it, and I felt guilty over it.

I kept thinking for the few days following her death that no one would ever be as excited to see me as she was again, that my aunt's apartment would just feel strange and vague and foreign now without her. And it did. It still feels like a piece of her home is missing whenever I visit her, even after she's moved into an apartment that that dog hasn't and will never touch. It made me feel weirdly alone, even though I knew that was absurd. But that thought kept creeping back into my head, about how someone I'd known nearly my whole life is gone now, someone I considered a staple in my existence, and it made me feel really worn and... dare I say, lonely.

My way of dealing with these tough emotions has always been through fictional worlds and stories, so I turned to good old reliable childhood cartoons, because of course I did. It was mostly just to distract myself, to try and ignore my boredom and that insistent underlying ache from the past week. I don't remember how exactly it ended up on my recommendations list, but it did: the recognizable figure of the protagonist of Yu-Gi-Oh just standing there on my screen, likely mocking me and my growing boredom towards Code Lyoko's monotonous and repetitive story telling. I think I might've already started the show a year or so back, but I dropped it due to distractions and other busying plans going on at the same time. So, I thought, "Why not? What much do I have to lose? At least I'd get the right to say I watched this whole series, if it does end up being uninteresting" (which was, and still is, my main excuse for all media I get into).

And, to say the least, even with 4kids's flashy quips and sometimes stupid humor... the show was really quick to charm me. It wasn't even a slow buildup, this was something that instantly grabbed me and dragged me along with it for all the plot points and it's characters. I'd already known about Yu-Gi-Oh from my childhood, through the very blurry memories of a five year old that spent most of her time inside. However, I knew I was enough of a fan for the series because I very clearly remember being sad when Zexal would be playing on Nickelodeon rather than DM ^^; Though I didn't know much about the plot, and I barely recognized any of the characters, that didn't ruin the experience at all for me. I got to learn the story all over again, experience it in it's entirety, become familiar with the people within it all over again... and it definitely helped me stave off the boredom, and maybe with the help of a bit of projection... it helped me feel less lonely.

I think that's a big chunk of what this series was even originally about. I mean, we do start off with the protagonist being a timid, lonely boy who spends most of his time with a puzzle, and once he finishes it, he wishes for a true friend. While this does come in the form of the main friend group, it also comes in the form of the Pharaoh. There's all sorts of things I can highlight with this series and friendship, but I feel like the best thing I can point out is Yugi's whole character arc. Being able to go from someone "weak" with no friends, to someone who is slowly building his way to being stronger, who has people who support him and he supports back... it gave me hope, I think. I'd never been the best with making friends. But something about this character always gave me comfort, and looking at this series as a whole... a ton of the lessons provide an understanding I think few things have been able to capture for me.

Whew, okay, heavy and actually "important" things out of the way... onto the whole point of me making this post and day a big deal. I am absolutely horrible with keeping track of time, so this day probably isn't the most accurate for when I officially deemed certain characters as f/os, but I feel like it's important enough that I might as well count it. I think a more accurate date would actually be closer to Ryou's birthday, and I didn't even officially add Melvin to the list until sometime in December, and Thief King is a whole other mess... but let's not think about that too much ^^;

I'm not even sure where to start with this part. Usually I'd break it down into the usual four paragraphs but... there's just so much these characters have done for me that I'm not sure I can break it into just four paragraphs. I'm still finding it so trippy that I've spent nearly a year with them. They've been with me through a half remembered summer, a busy autumn, a harsh winter and a tired spring. They've been with me on the days I didn't feel like getting out of bed and the days where I was so nervous that I had to drag myself out, they've been with me on my fatigued mornings and stressed afternoons, they've been with me through my embarrassed moments and the moments where I felt dumb and like a mess. And of course they've been there for my better moments and good days, too, for the days I would do nothing and feel satisfied with it, for the days I would do something I was worried about only for it to turn out better than I expected. And I don't think there's much I could ever do to thank them for it all.

They've... made me feel wanted, if that makes any sense at all. They've made me feel less alone. And that means so much more than I could ever describe. Even when I would have those moments where I thought I must be such a child to be imagining characters comforting me when I was upset or stressed, those bouts of negativity wouldn't last very long. Maybe it's stereotypical of me to say this, but... these characters, they've made me feel different compared to the other fictional crushes I've had. Back in January, I had a dream that was specifically about Ryou, and usually that wouldn't be such a big deal but... it was for me. I've had dreams that used fictional characters as placeholders, as in my brain would use stock images or things that looked similar to them to fill in gaps but... this had been the first time I'd genuinely talked to and interacted with any of them. And this was absolutely ground breaking to me, considering it was him of all people. And I think that made me so much more hopeless when it came to my love of this character and his series.

I could drone on and on about how these characters have been a comfort to me, how much I love them, how much I feel like they've helped me this past year... but this post is already long enough and I have all of today to talk about them.

So... happy one year to me and these dorks, I guess. I can't wait to do it all over again :)

#jeez... one year #never gonna get used to thinking about that i don't think #sorry this is so long and barely even about the boys lol #just… wanted to appreciate this series a bit more and all it’s done for me #talk about the more personal aspects of it. today is very important afterall :) #🫐 ; anniversary tag

[contrapposto-leto]

Somethimes I wonder if you are watching in the shadows. Looking at the ghost of our public exihubition. I drempt of you a few times since we last spoke. The first was horrifying. The pain pourd from you, it flooded the hallway. The second. We were in a state park. You sat at my picnic table and looked outward. Gazing to the blue sky. Smiling softly. Happy to be near by. The last one you had me. Pinned to the bed by your stubble my skin tingled. First we flirted in the halls, letting the electricity charge, then you were swimming between my thighs, grinning as you held my leg on your shoulder.

I miss you.

I am scared to ventur out. To seek you in my dreams and about. It's as if I taste a fruit that is delicious yet kills me with each bite. But perhaps that is just the fear talking.

Yet. Here I am. Wondering about the trek. Would I be so daring?

To flaunt myselr?

I am sunburned today. I rememer how the sun kissed my skin that week and you could not look away. Your arm felt so strong as I clung to it in fear of the san diego traffic. The tingles that run through me when I imagine us together never stop. I felt them then I feel them now.

Sometimes I torture myself with our vast correspondences. You probably have no such luxury. You probably don't get to see my face whenever you feel like. You probably can't read letter after letter of how we would yearn for eachother. How we wanted to drag eachother into the mud and just never wash again. Nasty. The stories we'd write, the encouragement to continue to the next act, my creative writing thrived. As did yours. You are so gifted and Im afraid you are letting yourself languish.

Sometimes the moments are so intense it is like you are sitting next to me. Part of me wants to think we have some connection and that we are still (ugh) connected through the universe (cringe).

But I can still hear your voice

"What happened? I lost the connection?" Perhaps you are. You did say it then.

I do miss you. So often I just want to talk to you about the world and I get so upset, morose, weepy, angery that I cannot. I simply do not even have that luxury. Oh how I miss it.

So much has changed since then.

Clearly I want you to miss me like I miss you. But that is unlikely. I understand the situation.

Part of me wants you to be as batshit as I am. Thinking this is the only possible way you'd know.how to contact me. Unable to remember aything but this. Would be easier to find me here then to summon a long dead email. Part of me wants you to see this. Maybe because I didn't really get......closure? Part of me hopes that this public outcry will allow me to sleep or slip further into maddness, either way I'd rather expedite the process.

Perhaps I am also jealous. Knowing that I will never feel like that again, never experience the stubble on your chin again. Oh god i am such a sap.

Honestly so many people are terrible sexually. Some or them are downright aweful. But you were a god. Someone who can communicate effectively what feels best and understane their partners needs. Goddamn im getting flustered just thinking about it. I am jealous that someone who dosent want it gets to deny it every day. I wanted only to exsist in that erotic space.

It was hard, without your kindness. I had become so reliant on it.

I realized those words were gifts.

Even if you saw this what would it mean? That im still obsessed?

Or am I justified in my constant lusty sadness? No goodbye? That shit huuuuurt. Still hurts. Hurts that you won't see this (probably) id say I am 87% sure that you will never see this. Why would you.

I find myself wanting to say everything I never got to say to you, all the things I wanted to ask.

I already personally hate not knowing things and not being able to ask you questions is worse. Bevause it is like i had the opritunity and failed but that I also sorta could.

I have so much I want to share with you.

Why did we have to be so good?