#and how little I’ve been able to do

[vydumaj]

.

#I can’t tell if my mom just woke up to go to the bathroom or if she’s leaving to go to the house again #the handover is tomorrow #I’m thinking she’s getting ready to leave #I should get ready too and force her to bring me with her even though I’m still sick lmaooo #bc I feel like shit about all of this #and how little I’ve been able to do #thank goodness I’m a ridiculously light sleeper even when I’m sick #the other days she left around 10 #I had an alarm for 8:30 but she’s been up since 7 I should hurry #my mom never asks for help even though she’s working herself to death

[seagull-scribbles]

I want you to tell ‘em that you love the way that they don’t stick out like sore middle fingers

[Continuation of this]

#TMNT 2012 #casey jones 2012 #raphael hamato #rasey #this is platonic again but I’m not against romantic subtext or whatever #when I was in school being able to do this with your hand was super cool and I often still do it with both #but I’ve met both adults and kids who’ve never seen it before and it freaks them out ahaha #anyway I was jus thinking of hands again and this is a warm up sketch #but i do think thee two would have heart to hearts on rooftops sometimes and really open up #maybe theyre sat next to eachother and raph looks at his thigh next to Casey’s and gets self conscious #maybe one of them was hurt in a fight (probably Casey) and theyre patching eachother up and they just start exploring their differences #or maybe its something as simple as raph asking casey if he was Tarzan and the scene with the hands and Casey’s like yo we can do that #or even more childish theyre just doing it to see who’s hands bigger because Casey’s sister has been doing it a lot and its fun #because let me tell you it doesnt matter how old the kids i work with are they all love comparing my hand with theirs #but i imagine Raphs eyes for a second would give away hes upset a little cause he’s definitely the most self conscience about being a mutant #so Casey would do this and be like ahh look see we arent that different really #raph could bend his fingers to emphasise how much shorter Casey’s are #and cause would say something like these digits might be small but theyre mighty #leading to a shove or even a thumb war or something #anyway ill stop gushing i have a comission to do xxx #OH OH OH THE BITE MARK ON CASEY IS BECAUSE A MUTUAL COMMENTS ABOUT EATING MY RASEY ART SO THATS THEIR TEETH but im not naming names....

[moominpopzz]

I feel like with how long Ashe was isolated, she probably has a really bad habit of monologuing to herself or talking while watching/doing stuff or commenting on shows and movies thruout the literal entirety of them so that she felt less lonely in her house. Like she probably would still do it for awhiiile after joining PD, even when with them because it’s had so much time to get integrated into her normalcy

#if anyone can’t find Ashe Winters all they need to do is be very quiet for a little bit #and they’ll be able to hear her telling herself exactly what she’s doing as she’s doing it #and boom she’s found #realistically thinking about this it’s really sad #but I’ve been like only thinking about the humor of it #they’ve had to set a time at the end of eps of certain shows because Ashe would accidently talk over it #she feels really bad for it but the others don’t actually mind toooo much #it’s probably also like near impossible for her to not do because of how long she was alone #jrwi #jrwi pd #prime defenders #ashe winters #jrwi prime defenders #jrwi ashe winters #moomins yapping<3

[sincerely-sofie]

I’m the anon that sent in all the Ruby stuff! It makes me so happy that you love her so much. I didn’t expect her to be such a beloved character to you and I was kind of nervous that you would have hated her tbh. ^^;

Something Ruby related — I had a fic about Twig and co. confronting the siblings before I ultimately scrapped it because I could not write villainous characters without making them feel cliché. I do remember this one line said by Ruby’s sister when she lashes out towards Twig:

“You wouldn’t get it. You have a cushy life style and you baby your daughter instead of actually raising her. We’re doing that ungrateful, spoiled brat a favor — we’re teaching her how to survive. You wouldn’t know the meaning of that with that silver spoon in your mouth.”

I don’t blame you for struggling with not making the siblings feel cliché— writing villainous characters gets 900x more difficult the second you don’t want to make them sympathetic. Ark was fairly simple for me to write, even in scrapped scenes where he was all-in with his villainous role during the events of the post-game. Twig’s aunt, meanwhile, gave me a heck of a hard time while I was developing her backstory.

#this anon (while offering the most precious character to me free of charge): I hope Sofie doesn’t hate this character :/ #meanwhile I am foaming at the mouth from how much I love Ruby and everything she adds to the AU #on a semi-related note I’ve been debating whether or not to make Twig evolving into a charizard officially canon #it’d be a neat idea but I’d miss drawing her as a charmeleon :< #I think if she DOES end up evolving it would be during her pursuit of Ruby’s siblings. #they’d bolt when they realized they’re outmatched by a world-class explorer who’s also a ticked off mother #and they’re able to run much faster than she is able to. #they’re fine. they just need to put a little more distance between them and those maniacs and then keep their heads down for a while— #—change up the disguises they use and skip town when the coast is clear. they’re fine. #they can go grab Ruby and teach her a lesson for giving them so much trouble after the heat dies down. #Meanwhile Twig has sprouted wings and is rapidly closing in on their location whilst lit on fire. #it’d be a fun parallel if this is how things play out; Grovyle evolved from a treecko during an attack so he could protect Twig. #Now Twig is doing the same for one of her own loved ones. #not sure if I’ll make it canon but it sure is fun to think about! #the present is a gift au #shadow baby AU #pmd darkrai #pmd ocs #pmd oc #pokemon mystery dungeon #pokémon mystery dungeon #pmd #sofie answers asks #stuff by sofie

[stardial]

i always forget i’m like genuinely pretty good at writing. it’s like crazy

#i’ve been writing some INSANE stuff abt lux. kinda made me cry a little #i think i’m also specifically so good at writing almost exactly in the way i WANT to write rn… like i’m very often able to just #get it written out exactly like i want it…. and it’s just so so fun #PLUS i’ve gotten a rly good hang on how to write both lux and tana when they’re interacting which means the world is literally my oyster. #i can make those bitches do ANYTHING #i have such an obscene amount of new writing over all and it’s just so. FUN #i’m so excited to get to show all this to him…. when we talk next… i think he’ll rly like it…. #arambles

[nc-vb]

if it’s gotten to the fucking point that the Ministry of Education has to announce that “the school year is cancelled” for part of Gaza because all its students have been murdered, humanity has failed, failed at everything— flat out, point blank, and unequivocally failed.

#I will not pretend that I’ve known the extent of the situation up until now #I feel I’ve been out of touch with true reality and have only now been catching up #and my heart and mind will never fully be able to comprehend why and how and WHY this is happening #but GOD these children #I once worked with Syrian youth who had come to Canada with their families #to hear their pain and listen to their cries— I still don’t sleep well at night. I hear them all the time. #now children are writing their names on their bodies so they can be IDENTIFIED. #humanity has failed; this is NOT humanity. #it’s just so insane and unbelievable and just simply UNFATHOMABLE that this is going on #LET ALONE FOR OVER 17 YEARS. #to hear my friends and coworkers cry over their lost friends and family members #to have to hold them for THIS REASON. #I have never been a praying person in my life but I am believing in any and every god for the people of Palestine. #I will not believe that choosing to pray does nothing. #because while those beautiful people keep praying I will keep praying. #and it’s not even corny to say that I’m praying for that bright break in the clouds #for the sun to shine upon them SOON AND QUICKLY. #for my friends and my coworkers and my neighbours who grieve and mourn but still pray for an end. #hugging and kissing and holding everyone very tightly from where I am. because I can do little else than I already am. #palestine #free palestine #free gaza #✦ nc vb. #cw murder

[catastrxblues]

there’s no way i’m actually watching a youtube video on how to right click with the touchpad like a grandma what

#i’ve been using this really really heavy and pretty old windows laptop ever since the mac one lost its life when i was in 8th grade a few #yearsago.but my dad recently got a new one for his work so he decided to give me his older but still relatively new and cool version of thi #portable device and guess what. they don’t have that section on the touchpad like it’s ALL SMOOTH. #and i haven’t been able to figure out how to save images from google or do anything i used to do with tht right click thingy help #my little sister has been using mac so she’s probably used to it but look at me now. absolutely STRUGGLING #they don’t make things like my beloved very old and heavy and inconvenient for travel but also very indestructible laptop anymore *sighs* #(no but seriously. i dropped that accidentally in class one day and it was ALL GOOD. imagine if it was one of the newest model 😭) #my old laptop i will always love you though <3 #nadirants

[oysters-aint-for-me]

i feel like my mental/behavioral health has gotten to the point where i don’t just need therapy, i need treatment. ykwim

#i feel like ​i need to monitored and controlled and literally forced to do things for a solid month in order to make ANY progress lmao #*i feel like i need to be #i need CONSEQUENCES but i am SO good at evading consequences #i need to email my professor about my final project because well #i don’t think i can reasonably turn it in on the current due date #but i have known that for a while and i’ve just been hoping that a miracle will happen or something #now i feel like it’s way too late to ask for an extension #and my excuse is like ‘idk i thought maybe a miracle would happen so i didn’t bring it up’ #i just didn’t ask for an extension bc even though i knew i would run out of time #a reasonable person would have been able to manage their time better #so instead of being like sorry i was working hard the whole time but i just couldn’t catch up! #i have to be like… oh no i saw the train coming a mile away and i’m tied to the tracks #and now the train is about to hit me. i just hoped i would have untied myself by now #even though i don’t know how to untie the knot and did nothing to learn #so pleeeease professor can i just be tied to the train tracks a little further down

[jemmo]

i can’t tell you how much i usually hate these ignoring, distancing plots in shows and how much i absolutely adore everything about these 2 episodes of the eighth sense. like im not having a good time, and it’s fantastic.

bc the thing is, in all of this, i can’t see the right way to go, i can’t find the person to blame, i can’t find the way to make it better. I can’t single out a single moment or a thing someone did and say “this is why everything went wrong”. it’s just this coming together and rise and swell of things happening and people feeling things that has us ending up here and it feels beautifully and horribly organic bc we can’t find that point where it all went wrong. was it on that rooftop? was it at the beach? was it when they first met? was it when his brother died? was it when he was born into this family? there is no single point. it’s all of them and it’s none of them. there is truly nothing and no one to blame. and there are bad characters in the show, people you can hate, eunji and taehyung, but neither of them are to blame for any of the bad stuff that happens in the show. you’re not waiting for them to be taken down bc that doesn’t solve anything. instead, it’s just two people hurting, and not knowing how to make it better.

bc you take jaewon, and after what he says at the end of ep 8, you want to hate him, you want to be so angry at him for what he says, for how he acts, how dismissive and hurtful he is, and yet you’ve been made to understand 100% why, and not just in a “i get it but that wasn’t the right thing to do” way, in a “that was horrible and yet i know he doesn’t see any other way to handle this” way. like you don’t see this as a misstep, or a step to far, bc you know for him, in his state of mind, it is completely justified, it’s necessary. bc it not only punishes the person he blames for all of this, himself, but he sees it as a way to protect jihyun. and not even in a cliche “bad things happen when people around me, the people I love always get hurt” kinda way, but more so in that he sees that he is a scared, messy, struggling person that doesn’t know how to handle himself, and doesn’t want to inflict that on anyone, let alone the person he cares about. so what’s worse, a quick, swift blow that hurts but cuts everything off cleanly, or this prolonged relationship where he inevitably continues to weigh jihyun down with the weight of his trauma, and take it out on him. what’s the point of having a place of refuge when you ruin it more and more every time you depend on it, until it eventually can’t offer you comfort. it’s a lesser of two evils, jaewon’s choice is obvious to him.

but then you take jihyun. and we talk about masks and fronts but we never once question whether jihyun wears a mask bc he appears so sweet and innocent and naive, what can this boy possibly be putting up a front for. but i see it, this almost fake it till you make it confidence front that yes is becoming more natural. but my god just think about what he’s gone through for a second. think about it. left home for the first time in his life, moved to an unfamiliar and intimidating city with only one other person he knows, started a new job, started university, tried to build relationships, met a man that intrigues him, and perused him only to be kissed and then ignored, then maybe establish something tentative, only to then see him spiral, go on a trip where he shared his trauma, you have an intimate night together only to almost die, and then be not only ignored, but plain and simple rejected and pushed away. like… you can say all you want about jihyun growing as a person and having more courage, but no amount of growth for however many months this has been going on for can prepare you for that. for the mixed messages on steroids. for the back and forth, not knowing. to give yourself to someone like that and go through something traumatic and then be abandoned by that person. we get it, bc we see all of jaewon’s story. but apart from what jaewon shared at the beach, jihyun doesn’t know any more than that. he doesn’t know about therapy, about how his father acts towards him, about the extent of his trauma and how it manifests and affects his mental health, and how he is struggling every single day. and you can’t expect him to know the depths of that no matter how empathetic and connected he is, how much he cares about jaewon, he can’t be superhuman. and so you get why he pushes and fights for jaewon. like… he is in love. it’s clear. he’s fallen in love with him. he is this wide-eyed, open kid that fell in love with a senior. and jaewon has just messed with his head, he’s never been clear, and you can’t expect jihyun to just get past that bc he knows something is up with jaewon. he can’t know the full story, but even if he did, that can’t be a reason or a justification to be treated the way jaewon treats him. bc we’re all about jaewon putting himself first and doing what he wants and respecting himself like that, but jihyun deserves that too. and it’s such a fine line to tread when you know someone is going through something, bc again you understand why, but you’re still the one being treated that way. like we talk about jaewon’s trauma, but here jihyun was part of it, he went through that traumatic experience. he’s the one that nearly lost his life. and yes, he appears to handle it well, and no matter to what extent that’s true or not, you can’t not look at jaewon struggling and understand it and then not look at jihyun with that same understanding. it’s not about comparing trauma and pain and deciding who is suffering more, it’s seeing that there are two people in this, and they’ve both been affected, so we should give them the same level of understanding.

and that’s something jaewon has to see. that his self-preservation is selfish. that his destructive behavior doesn’t just affect jihyun, instead it feels pointed and directed, bc every way jaewon hurts himself hurts jihyun. and it comes bc jihyun was so much of what was good about jaewon’s life for a second, so attacking that is his only form of self-sabotage. he can’t mess up his relationship with his friends or parents bc they were broken in the first place, and he can’t sabotage his future bc it’s already been ruined the moment he didn’t pursue his photography major. him nearly getting kicked out of school affected him so little not just bc he wanted that punishment, but bc even that punishment meant so little to him. all these things are established and they already contribute to his suffering. removing jihyun from his life is the only active thing he can do to make himself feel worse, and he can veil it in an act of protection, and even feel like he’s doing the right thing, but that deceives them both into believing this is done from a good place, when no good can actually come of it. in trying to protect jihyun, you hurt him more. in trying to hurt yourself, you hurt him too. and when someone is in a headspace like jaewon is, you look for that thing that’ll break through. bc he is so distant, he’s trying to remove himself from reality, and jihyun needs to act as this person that can anchor him to it. when you’re trying to isolate and separate yourself, sometimes seeing that you still affect things, that there’s a persons that exists that is affected and hurt by your actions, and no matter how you try to cut yourself off, you cannot stop that, separating yourself still hurts them, maybe that’s a thing that can get through. but that’s something that depends on jaewon. ultimately, he’s the only one that can get himself out of this place, and that’s what makes it so hard, that no matter how much jihyun cares and how much he fights for him, nothing can come of that effort is jaewon doesn’t meet him there. and it’d be so easy for jihyun to give in, to take the hurt, but over the course of this show we’ve seen the strength jihyun has developed, which has only seemed to increase more so after the accident, call it a renewed vigor for life or something. he has the strength that jaewon doesn’t, to not let his pain consume him. and in a beautiful full-circle moment, it’s because of jaewon, bc when they first spoke he sparked in jihyun a want to be stronger, to be more than the country mouse, and he’s done it. and it’s that courage that means he can fight for jaewon, even in the face of rejection. he trusts himself and that he knows jaewon, the real jaewon, to see past words that are intended to hurt them both, and go after the person that’s still inside jaewon somewhere. no, he can’t do it for him, and no them being together is not some magical cure for jaewon, but it’s what can put him on a path of caring for himself again, and sometimes that has to start with caring about someone else (and suddenly I’m reminded of my beautiful man 2 and how kiyoi tries to break hira out of his worthless mindset by making him care about him, and how ultimately that can’t be enough, and that hira has to take those first steps of seeing his self worth by himself). what jihyun can do by fighting is again act as that tether to reality and try to be this representation of the good jaewon can be and do. bc look at jihyun, look at how confident and strong he has become, and look at how he got there, bc you saw that country mouse and gave him the time of day and helped him grow and gave him new experiences. you jaewon, you. and that shift in mindset, from jihyun representing hurt and the accident and the trauma of his brother and everything he can’t do, to being that light and refuge and everything he can do is again something that might breaks through. and the fact it has such narrative strength and satisfaction makes me hopeful that that’s what we might actually get.

#I did a rant #I’ve done a lot of rants actually they’re all just sitting in my notes bc they all got a little too much #my thoughts are a literal mess and I am still struggling to put them in all the right words #mostly bc the way jaewon is behaving and not to be too overinvolved is very reminiscent of *me* #and so watching him shut down and remove himself knowing it’s something i do is hard and frustrating #and I did a whole rant about it but I realised I need to separate myself from the character to be able to talk about it #so yeah #I really wanted to bring up jihyun tho #bc he presents as so strong in these two eps but you cannot argue against what he’s been through and the effect that would have on anyone #and try to see it from a perspective where we don’t know what jaewon is going through and just see his actions and realise how much he has #messed with jihyun again not at all on purpose but that 1000 to nothing jihyun went through from the trip to the accident and it’s aftermath #that’s a fucking lot #and it’s interesting that we talk so much about people putting themselves first and not putting up with shit #like I think of simon from young royals and how we celebrate him saying no to being willhelms secret as an act of self-respect #but bc we understand and empathise so much with what jaewon is going through it’s hard to make yourself even consider jihyun #but when you do see it from his side you realise it’s a lot for him too #and that you wouldn’t hate him or misunderstand him if he was mad at jaewon #and with *spoliers* is there only so much he can take of jaewon’s self sabotage hurting him until even he and his developed strength and #confidence is broken by it #he can only keep fighting for jaewon for so long and idk if it’s gonna be a case of jaewon coming round too little too late #but I just hope this isn’t easy which sounds mean I don’t want either of them to suffer more #but this isn’t a kiss and get back together and all is good #I think jaewon needs to see the bad he’s caused #bc it’s only by owning up to that that he can ground himself in the moment and see that he’s part of this world and can’t separate himself #from it and jihyun also needs to realise that no matter his headspace jaewon does want space and when someone is self sabotaging you still #have to listen and respect what they’re saying distance means distance and as much as you want to fight against it you can’t be responsible #for making it work #agh I need to stop rambling bc it’s so messy and complex and I just absolutely ADORE the level to which this situation has so many emotional #moving parts and how ultimately blameless they both are and how it makes it so much harder to see a way out it’s fantastic #the eighth sense

[livvyofthelake]

first of all these girls on tiktok need to stop telling us all what celebrities they saw on raya… girl you’re making yourself look sooo bad rn it’s unreal… secondly this girl specifically did NOT need to post that she saw ben barnes on raya. i did not need or want to know that!!!!!

#they need to remove that man from my internet i’m actually dead serious idk how i’ve survived it all #i don’t even like looking at him directly…. #to clarify. because i realize how that sounded. not in a ‘i don’t like him way’ it’s much worse and more complicated than that #basically there’s this movie i’m superrrrr weird about to a degree that makes me a huge freak #do not worry about it. i’m fine. #through repeated exposure via alina i’ve been able to chill a little in the past year about it

[seventh-district]

i’m not like other girls, my “Rest” stats are a heart rate of 110bpm and a HRV of 14 fucking milliseconds. :)

#Seven’s Public Diary #vent #vent post #cw vent #cw vent post #cw health #cw heart #i’m so stressed :) i am soooo fucking stressed and my body is Suffering because of it #i want to just lay here and stare at the ceiling but. maybe a little venting will help #sighhhh wish [N]MbD Sun were here to obsessively fret over me #he can be mean about it idc. at least i’d have someone acknowledging how bad things are for me #sometimes i wonder when the last time was that my body Wasn’t in fight or flight to some degree #have i Ever actually relaxed #hhhhhhh c-ptsd is a bitch #anyways there’s so much to vent about but i’m. doing my best to be vague. i need to be more vague about things #a lot of stuff i can’t vent about anyways. it’s too personal #so instead i’m gonna complain abt how i haven’t been able to play Genshin or Star Rail for nearly a month now #and about how slowly my back is recovering. it’s like every time i re-injure/have a flare up. it heals.. worse. slower and lesser #i dunno how it’s ever gonna get better. truly better. maybe i’ll live with this forever #if being fat is the problem which is definitely partly is. then yeah i’m fucked #all of my problems just make each other worse and i don’t know where the way out of it all is #every time i think i’ve found it i’m wrong and i just make it all worse #anyways as soon as i figure out how to strengthen my core without breaking my back. it’s over for u bitches #‘u bitches’ being uh. all of the shit that needs doing that i cannot physically fucking do right now #i miss being able to sit down. and i’m Regretting de-converting my standing desk back to sitting bc now. i cannot use my PC #which means i can’t fucking do a some of my work or play my silly little gacha games and i’m mad abt it #i’m mad abt a lot more serious things too but again. can’t talk abt it so i’m gonna focus on trivial shit instead #anyways. sorry as always to everyone i haven’t spoken with lately. and in general. i’m so drained from the Everything that i just. can’t. #it shouldn’t be this hard for me to stay in touch w ppl but. it is. guess i’ll add that onto my list of things to be stressed about #i’m so tired of everything man. and i hate being so negative and mean when im stressed & in pain. makes me feel like im becoming my father

[brookbee]

every time someone leaves a nice comment on one of my fics I have to hold back the urge to reply that I’m kissing them on the mouth with tongue

#how do you respond to someone literally making your day and making you feel less self doubt as a writer #bc kissing on the mouth seems appropriate but I know not everyone would understand that reply lol #but last fic I posted I was unsure about bc I’m out of practice and I wrote about music #which I know can be a drag to read #but people have been very nice so far and that makes me happy #especially since I’ve had an idea for an og story involving music for YEARS and was never sure if I’d be able to write it #So nice to have a little confidence boost yknow? #anyways kissing them on the mouth with tongue

[myname-isnia]

Idk why I thought the new year would suddenly bring immense change to me as a person, it was such a childish belief, I can’t believe I let myself fall for it. The years go by but I remain the messed up anxious wreck who starts crying the second she’s left alone with her thoughts. The new year won’t change anything, nothing will

#just look at me #I could very possibly graduate from school in half a year and I still don’t know what I want to do with my life #I can’t take the slightest bit of criticism or else I’ll feel like shit for a week #I need to be staring at a screen at all hours of the day because if I don’t distract myself I will break down #I’m so obsessed with pleasing people that when I can’t fulfill the simplest of requests I want to die #indulging in hobbies. things that are supposed to be enjoyable. feels like hell for me #through all my years of creating there is only one piece I can honestly say I like and am proud of #and I haven’t even touched writing since because I’m scared of not being able to reach that high again #art comes a little easier but I’m only capable of one or two pieces a month #I don’t have anyone irl whom I trust. I’m so lonely that I literally have imaginary friends. at 17 #and I still haven’t figured out my gender or what pronouns I prefer. I don’t even like the name I picked for myself #I could go on forever #I don’t know how anyone puts up with me. I know I wouldn’t if I had the choice #I keep going on and on about how I want to get better. I don’t want to be so miserable all the time #but I just don’t know how #I try to be kinder with myself and I’ve been pretty successful at it but.. it doesn’t help #I can be soft and gentle all I want. it won’t make everything else go away #so there’s nothing left for me to do but cry all alone in my apartment at 2 a.m #I guess

[arthur-r]

(wrote this song before i left for college but it’s sure applicable to life right now!!!!)

lyrics: falling from grace, i’m a rusting lace artifact / tears down my face as i break my immortal pact / trust me, i want to be healthy / trust me, i want to be special and loving and sweet / trust me, i know that i’m broken / please, i just want one more chance to prove that i could be the— / best friends know how to reveal me / best friends know how hard i try to have something to say / best friends know that it’s not helping / can i just go far away to where there’s nowhere else to— / turn around, up and down, i’m melting!!!! / turn around, i have something to say!!!! / color bleeding, heartbeat leaving, need a place to lay my head / arms are folded, fine print bolded, everything is overloaded!!!!!!!! / color faded by the sun, i bite my tongue, i’m coming undone / color faded by the sun, i bite my tongue, i’m coming undone / color faded by the sun, i bite my tongue / trust me, i want to be healthy / trust me, i want to be special and loving and sweet / trust me, i know that i’m broken / trust me, i know that i’m broken….

#when i write a song and don’t know what it means and then i have a breakdown and suddenly know what it means #turns out i have been compartmentalizing since i was a VERY young child as if there are two parts of me completely separate #and one of them is this golden child perfect person always so ready to please #and the other one is a literal fucking monster. that’s how i’ve been thinking about myself since i was a little kid #and i sort of. i had a breakdown about that last week and then yesterday i was so upset about not being able to separate myself from illness #how i’ve always been treated and treated myself as if there’s a perfectly healthy person in there somewhere who is just plagued with demons #so i’m constantly reaching for this person that doesn’t exist and never has and never will #because i can’t accept myself as a whole being complete with good and bad parts of me #it’s also just autism/POTS venting shdhdhdf but i knew that much #it wasn’t until i thought about my childhood though that i realized i’ve always been autistic i’ve always had mobility issues (though less) #and that i have never let myself integrate those aspects of myself into my permanent identity. like i’m waiting for them to go away so i can #prove myself and show how good i can be at just being normal. so i don’t know. anyway here’s a song #P.S. i processed my emotions so good and i’m normal now. gonna get dinner with that guy today and have a normal person conversation #so don’t worry about me. i pretty much fell asleep after i posted and i’m doing a lot better now #anyway i’m not great at this instrument shdhdf and i’ve also been crying so like as a piece of music this isn’t great #but as an expression of a feeling and idea. these are the feelings and ideas i’ve been thinking about #of all the things to theoretically be overheard by a ton of neighbors though. living in a dorm is nerve-wracking!!!! #most people don’t hang around my dorm at this time of day though i’ll be alright. hope everyone is doing well #me. my post. mine. #ask to tag #music

[fortes-fortuna-iogurtum]

.

#trying to. figure out how to push lightly against barriers I’ve never really pushed before #without seeming too disrespectful or crossing anyone else’s boundaries or drawing too much attention to myself #(bought new nail polish and it’s a lot darker than I thought it would be but also basically the exact colour I /wanted/ when I bought it #and once I finished painting one hand I casually showed my mom and she was like ‘oh. that’s dark. not really a fan :/‘ #even tho I’m a full-grown *adult* who has been flat-out told by her parents that she’s basically allowed to wear whatever she wants now #in the way of makeup/etc #I don’t want to upset my mother. I don’t want to trespass on any of her boundaries; I don’t want to seem like I’m trying to push limits. #but I. really want to wear this nail polish 😅 #I NEVER paint my nails largely bc the only colours I would paint them are ones I know she’d personally never do herself #and I don’t want to upset her by not being her exact carbon copy clone all the time #but I’m finally getting to the point where I feel like I need to push back a little bit or I’ll never be able to be my own person at all. #*sigh* #friends n mutuals maybe say a prayer that I will proceed wisely and prudently. that no conflict will be started because of this. #and that I’ll be able to keep surrendering myself and my desires about this sort of stuff—like I’ve done for 2 decades now— #if that’s what it takes to keep the peace.) #personal #delete later

[forgive-the-sea]

what if…I write disgusting lil cult leader geto just for me?

#I’ve been…going through it! #and normally writing is how I cope but I haven’t even been able to do that #but…nothing’s stopping me from writing a gross little guy just for myself… #no one will see it…I don’t have to post it…