#and i dont know if i will ever live normally again

[j4ygyu]

🫐 - jake! maybe about reader having some hardships during her pregnancy but baby daddy jake would be ready to do anything for her comfort !!

rejecting his kisses | sjy

pairing: husband!jake x wife!reader

genre: fluff bro what else i write 😭😭

synopsis: reader is growing sensitive day by day to touches and snaps at jake, jake being a mature husband handles the situation well.

everything felt so much more overwhelming, jake kept a family dinner and everyone was over, his members and his family. 

“how are my babies doing?” jake said as he nuzzled his nose in your neck as you moved back in annoyance. 

oh he noticed it but shrugged it off, maybe it was just a silly reaction right?

the sound of everyone talking at the same time in their own conversation rings around in your ears making it hard for you to keep up with everything jake had his hands on you the whole day, hugging you from behind, talking to his friends and family with a hand on your bump, rubbing your nose agaisnt his, kissing your cheeks, lips and forehead. yeah sounds cute but not when you’re feeling everything a little too much. 

what is going on. 

it was so bad that you had to shut your room door so loud and settle on the bed, 

there you were, pregnant and finally on your thrid trimester with your annoying husband being extra touchy anywhere he could find you at.

rubbing your temples you sat on the bed, grabbed the water from the beside table and starting chugging it down. 

meanwhile, jake who already spotted your absensce in the living room came in “bub?” you heard his voice and your brain gave a reaction not again. 

he walks in as you don’t even dare to look at him in the eye, your eyes closed as you take deep breath. 

“did i do something” he leans over to your face while staring deep “no..” u say as he hums in question he sits beside you, wrapping his arm around your shoulder “are you oka-“ you cut him off,

“no- just no- please okay? please just get your hands off of me please jake. stay away from me i am not feeling all your touches just leave me the fuck alone.” you say raising your voice. 

the next thing you see is tears in jake’s eyes as he looks away from you trying to hold them in. 

“i am sorry.” 

a moment of complete silence goes by as you rest your head on the headboard.

you notice him avoiding your looks and turning to the other side, hesitant to ask you if you need anything again.

“did i do something wrong?” he asks out of curiosity “i won’t touch you if—“

“no i dont know.. i am sorry i dont feel like getting touched i dont know.. i don’t know why i am being like this i don’t know” as you’re saying he turns around and comes closer to you.

attentively listening as he brings a hand to tug your hair strand back.

“hey no no it’s fine, its completely fine yeah, this is super normal for pregnant women to feel..” he says as tears start spilling from your eyes because of how understanding he is. 

jake has always put your perspective before his, always understanding everything you did, always finding a reason for your actions and letting you express yourself, god you think what did you do to deserve him. 

“b-but jake” you say as he holds your face in his hands and squishes your cheeks trying to calm you down.

“at this stage you’ve grown more sensitive. to touches to words to noises to everything” he says bringing his hands back to himself, “isn’t it?” 

you nod in agreement as he adds “so don’t ever blame yourself about all this okay? i love you just how it is. nothing will ever change that” 

you look at him and take his hand and place it on your belly, he makes sure to keep it exactly where you kept and not rub it because of muscle memory 

he pauses and lets out a little laugh as he feels the baby kicking where his arm is placed “just try not to be as aggressive as you were okay?” you nod once again as he kisses your cheeks wiping your tears off his lips. 

“baby doesn’t like hearing mum and dad argue does it?” he says as he feels another kick to his palm as you both laugh out of surprise. 

it makes you giggle, mood swings are crazy.

#enhypen fluff #enhypen x reader #enhypen imagines #enhypen #sim jaeyun #enha #enhypen scenarios #jake #enhypen jake #jake sim #jake enhypen #jake x reader #jake fluff #enhypen soft hours

[tallymali]

i know this is a terrible awful ungrateful thing to say. but i sincerely hate my illness for not being terminal.

#i no longer have days when i wish to continue living #i went through all the childhood trauma and the failed suicide attempts #and i worked my ass off in therapy to get to a point where my brain was not a terrible place to live #and i sincerely felt happy about living and having a future #and then this happened. #and i dont know if i will ever live normally again #theres a chance im just gonna spend the rest of my life trapped inside my house numb from pain #so like. for the people who ask when im gonna post on onlyfans/reddit/whatever again: i dont know #i know you’re not asking that in an unkind way #i know its a compliment #but i truly dont know if ill even still be alive in a years time #i dont want to kms but i also dont have it in me to live my life like this #so yeah my answer to everything is i dont know and idk if i ever will know #sorry this is fuckin grim.

[lemonyinks]

I didn't like Mekt much but I do hate seeing him only utilized as a villain, as if Legion Worlds didn't happen.

Where is the Mekt who admitted that he was wrong to let his loneliness and jealousy dictate how he acted? Where is the Mekt that worked to be better? Where is the Mekt who welcomed Ayla home and put himself in harms way to help her save their parents farm? Where is the Mekt that delighted at the idea of seeing Garth again and was sad to hear he wasn't really coming back?

I don't know. Maybe it's just me but Mekt works so much better as a character of redemption and reconciliation than as one who stays bitter and antagonistic. He's more interesting that way

#this is just about post zero hour mekt i dont know much about other mekts' #losh #legion of super heroes #mekt ranzz #inkytalks #AND I AM NOT EVEN SAYING YOU AHVE TO LIKE HIM #OR THAT HIS SIBLINGS *HAVE* TO FORGIVE HIM #this still works if THEY are still bitter to HIM for what he did #BECAUSE THEY WOULD HAVE A RIGHT TO BE #but he doesn't deserve the watered down one dimensional asshole characterization I've seen in a few fics that are ABOUT pzh #my ideal rannz sibling dynamic is ayla being bitter and hostile to mekt garth being wary and hurt and at first unable to be around mekt #while mekt himself just feels so guilty for what he did and desperate to make up but willing to give them however long they need #even if that means he doesnt get to be in their lives ever again... #and then eventually they fall into a comfortable normal that is still not fully recovered and still bitter but they can #have breakfast togther without incident #they can talk about things like the weather or town gossip #they can work together on the farm in comfortable silence #ayla slowly grows less suspicious of mekt and begins to trust him a little more #garth stops feeling like mekt is going to lash out at any given moment and can spend time around him alone #things arent great and they probably wont ever heal all the way their relationship will always be strained #but he's trying and thats all they care about #and things are kinda sorta okay

[coffincoitus]

I don't want to live in this country anymore <3

#sorry to overshare... and i dont even know if it's appropriate to talk about this so casually #but i rly rly dont wanna go thru this shit again gdkshdks #id just gotten inside when it started #one of the ppl who died was a fellow student #i didnt know him personally but there were pictures circulating and i cant stop thinking of how insane that is #it couldve been someone i know and thats how id have learned that they were dead #i cant leave tonight bc it's not safe yet but im going back home tomorrow whether classes are canceled or not #and i cant think of a single reason to ever come back lol!!! it's not worth it!!!! not even for a diploma!!!! idc!!!!!! #it's not normal to live like this!!!! i refuse to participate!!!!!@@@

[silenthillbunni]

🍽️😔🎻

#soo blah blah need to vent again abt my health issue situation 💀 #yuh so like im so sick nd tired of whats going on. nd not being able to just eat whatever i feel like whenever #it's emotionall draining tbh. im always thinking abt what i could maybe try nd im always like ohh gotta make sure the portion is small etc #it's annoying me sm bc i can def feel the effects of me not getting the right nd enough nutrients nd vitamins etc etc #i get dizzy nd my vision is hazy sometimes. nd im like forgetful bc the other the when i walked home i kept getting lost nd had to walk back #nd forth several times nd i was like ?!?!? what?! i've lived here for 25yrs nd now i just cannot for the life of me rmbr the way #also i am so weak in my body. like carrying even a small amound or books nd groceries nd walking for 30min makes me exhausted #my legs are actually shaking when i get back home nd every step feels like im walking in cement #plus i just wanna be able to go to the gym nd build muscle. but if i dont get enough protein in me i cant build muscles T-T #what else... yeah also i do miss food bc of comfort. like my coffee + chcolate everyday makes me genuinely happy lmao #but i just want the food situation to be normal bc even w veggies im like oh no that is too gas building that is too hard to digest etc etc #it's mentally gruelling to not know how tf to get all the important nutrients!! i def have several deficiences lmao :(( #im so over it. but theres nothing i can do. i wish i could just not think abt it 24/7 tho #also. im the thinnest i've ever been BUT. i am constantly bloated so i look fkn pregnant. so i cant even enjoy looking the skinnier

[end-orfino]

ahhhhhh i remember why i dont read comics & books and watch movies as much as I should. Because they make me lose it

#i get suddenly hit with a tsunami of inspiration and an urgency to Make Something #but the urgency isn't about the process of making it's about I Have Stories To Present Too. I have to See Them Realized. #and that hit of urgency is obviously far too short lived to make anything. esp since it comes in a set with a feeling of 'wow this- #-thing was so great' that transforms into intensified perfectionism of No No What Im Doing Here Isnt Good. What Is This. Disgrace- #-to my idea AND to what inspired it AND to my self proclaimed status as an amateur storyteller #which turns into artblock. so like low chances that ill even get a singular good drawing made during this #and the multiple comic or script or whatever ideas that appear in my head during this are out of the question entirely #oh and all of this appears next to the normal feelings caused by a good story like attachment to the characters and having to process it- #-for a while and if its very good then even sometimes rarely i get the need to make fanart #so all of this combined just leads to me not being able to do anything for a while and feeling awful about it. #fun./sar #i wish i was a normal artist people here are so resilient and do stuff even though they dont want to or they DO want to #because idk they enjoy being pissed bcs of a thing not turning out right and they dont mind how tedious it can get- #-and they enjoy sacrificing hours&days&months of their lives without a guarantee that anyone will appreciate it accordingly and itll pay of #its probably the resilience though #im weak like a dried twig both mentally and physically #this sounds like i never enjoyed drawing&writing ever. and to clarify thats far from true. i frequently enjoy it #just never frequently enough and consistently enough to actually make something more 'worthwhile' or linear #it's like a wind that comes & goes that i have no control over. #i try to keep telling myself that in the past i struggled to make anything 'bigger'....& know i even made animatic shitposts #this sounds so stupid god. an animatic shitpost being an achievement. #its not an art skill achievement its a fighting tooth and nail with my own self to actually finish it because its a struggle almost every- #-time achievement #what im saying is im trying to tell myself that i already improved. im doing more than i could have done in the past. #even if the process is so slow and i dont know when ill advance again #if ill advance again. i just gotta believe i guess? thank u parappa

[lunarharp]

wip thing...

of my bg3 avatar hellebore. i also did some casual nude studies of my 3 characters which i'll put under a cut... rather unlike me after all. (so WARNING for abrupt non-sexual full Artistic nudity lol...,,,,) (< won't be making a habit of this)

they mean the world to me

#bg3 spoilers #?? idk. gith look so..Emaciated. And long. i guess we don't eat on the astral plane :) anyway..well..too much to say..... #it is very very very depressing having to live in the Real World after that final playthrough meant so very much to me. #i normally feel Hope & suchlike after finishing a highly immersive emotional game..but it's too hard this time and it hurtsssss lol yippee #i appreciate bg3 very much for being a place where i could access the concept of nudity & such like in a way that finally felt comfortable. #bodies are inherently non-sexual. they just Are a Fact of Life. this game being NORMAL about nudity from the character creation screen #makes it possible for someone like me to actually have a chance at accessing sensuality in a way that feels comfortable from there. #dont feel like putting it into words further. im ace. just very grateful to this game. even despite the horrors i will never ever forget it #augoh..gugf.. want to go back. my friends & love are in there.....i'm supposed to just move on? in the real world??? THIS place???? UHH???? #my characters canonically look like that too!! i see them as intersex and not so much trans. They just look that way. #Diversity win!!! the people who enacted horrors upon you and are trying to kill you again respect your pronouns!!!! <3 #I FAILED HONOUR MODE IN THE STUPIDEST WAY POSSIBLE..ACCIDENTALLY TOUCHED AN ITEM. MY LOVER TOUCHED SOME BLOOD-TOUCHED RAG ITEM @ THE CRECHE #AND MY PEOPLE MASSACRED US... YOU BELOVED PRAT. OF COURSE IT WOULD BE YOU AND IN THIS WAY #grateful for love triangle chaos...INTENSE EX DRAMA... IT HAD MAJOR REPURCUSSIONS THIS TIME...ohh so very much happened ohh my dear #truly don't know how to face the Real World now for real. I Don't Know. something has snapped. ive realised twt just makes me feel sad lol #if something in my spare time isn't at least half as fun as bg3....like.. it's not good enough. god we only have one wild and precious life #being Online makes me feel a loneliness so wretched and painful and horrible i really don't think this is the answer. #Why did you even start drawing in the first place? Why did you start this? #For real..the need to work this out and decide what on earth i'm going to do now has presented itself. Why try to get better..why be online #someone who has an imagination that can keep them so happy and fulfilled...has no business also feeling a loneliness as profound as this. #why was someone THIS introverted and withdrawn and anxious also cursed with such a restlessness? #What are you going to DO now? because hellebore and their lover are fine....... So what about you...? #hellebore..😭😭 AUUGHH!! I JUST WANT TO GO TO MY BED IN THE INN...PLAY ON MY VIOLIN THAT'S WHAT I'D DO!!!! i'd drink some ALE DAMNIT!!!!! #i was rereading My Lesbian Experience With Loneliness- the only time i've seen this level of emotional isolation depicted-and was grateful. #but then i read her latest book and now she has a debilitating substance abuse situation and it's upsetting. #I hope she finds what she was looking for. I hope we all make it. kind of wild that i dont do such major self-sabotage at this point myself #I truly think anyone who manages to find dear friends and achieve fulfillment and happiness with others outside themselves are amazing. #I see it happen from my tower. i hope we all make it. I hope we can make it through everything to come. #Why did i say all this on drawings of my characters naked. ah who even cares any more......

[scaredofmyocs]

I love it when i accidentally stay up on the night im supposed to be catching up on sleep it totallly doesnt make me feel horrible all week long

#talk post #i love this blog i want to live here #I cant!!! i just cant!!! go to bed at a normal fucking time istg #but noooooo the wild grinders wiki no some stupid bullshit no one has ever cared about before #WHEN I DONT GET ENOUGH SLEEP MY MENTAL HEALTH GETS WAY WORSE!!!!! IF I DONT FIX IT WE ARE GOING TO GET TOO SILLY #(yelling at a mirror) #seriously bothers me tho that Im always worried about how intense my negative feelings have been lately #and im like “oh ill just get more sleep” and then immediately fuck it up the next night making me tired all week #making me feel SO bad in the mornings and at night and increasing my paranoia and other such thoughts #and in trying to tune it all out just forget about it again leading to me fucking it up again #this is a bit dramatic its only happened 2 weeks in a row #but that feels like a lot because thats like 10 nights where i felt like i blinked and i had to wake up and go to school #and not only deal with my shitty social skills but the results of said thing #and also try to fight the thoughts that are like “this shits pointless im not doing this” LIKE PLEASE pretend to be normal for one year #and also that one teacher i have who demands every students attention while he teaches like i already finished the work sheet shut it #like i do well in that class just let me do what i want im not being distracting like girl i have at least an 87 dw about me #PLUS most of the time im not even on my phone he just really wants me to look at the board but girl as i said I ALREADY DID WHATS ON THERE #i feel like i never get to relax but i do all the time so i dont know what i mean #i keep saying “its ok as long as i can bury all my thoughts and just keep going while filling what free time i have with things i enjoy” #but things only work for so long #i hate the passage of time #anyawy erm wrong my guitar is in my mind (stupid ass guitar riff) #walks over to my bed and trips on the way falling asleep on the floor #ramble #hit post

[dog-girl-zezora]

.

#personal #mental illness is scary as it worsens... you knew someone who was somewhat normal once and they spiral into something else #i was there once luckily only as a teen and i managed to find my way out of that with many bumps alomg the way #but ever since ive had an extremely tight grasp of my mental wellbeing #my feelings. my delusions. my issues. #i think seeing this person talk to me again made me recognize that not everyone is so lucky. #its easy to fall to madness #it feels unlike anything else... #ive never had anyone tell me they thkng of me as some kind of holy fool #and i mean in the religious context. #that my battle with religion and my personal relationship with god was sexy or desirable #im not pure. not in the slightest. my thoughts and my heart wish for violence and harm unlike any other #im evil but i work with it. i choose to recognize these feelings within me to understand myseld better. to help myself live #im bipolar and i refuse to be seen or thought of as some uwu pure small bean godly holy fool #i am a fool. i am normal. i am evil. yet i am kind. #i dont know. #kinda wild to me to be told these things. half my ego is really ecstatic about it. and the other half desires to show evil. #anyways i hope my friend gets better... its out of my hands and by god i will witness it

[dyke1]

no way I'm experiencing ptsd like symptoms with this job woke up from a nightmare and threw up cause of how scared I was 💀💀💀

#weve had like 3 customers start fights this week and it usually happens w the ppl at the front im worried for them mostly #like it feels weird having so much stress for them when technically nothing happened to me i cant control their #lives and how they deal with it but last time someome got hurt and idk if this is normal cause i can guarantee u they #themselves are not this worried like im having panic attacks at work again idk like this always happens in the summer is it ever that #serious i just think my lack of control is making it so fucking scary for me idk. it shouldnt affect me in any way i dont know whats wrong

[purewater100]

#vent in tags #i don't think i can keep doing this #i don't think i can go another year of just following the same routine over and over again #nothing ever changes. and nothing ever will because i won't let it #i want things to change i want to get better i promise i do #im so tired of feeling this lonely this miserable i want to be normal please #i want to know what it feels like to be normal #but i just i dont know. i dont know why i wont let myself get help (but i do know) it just seems so far away #i just want to be happy #i just want to love myself and be happy and live a normal life i want to be normal #but i cant. #i can't keep living like this i can't make it another year i really really can't. i promise i'm trying but it just gets harder and harder #i can't make it another year #i really really can't

[mayclair]

the whole max and mike’s lives being foils of each other’s is so insane to me bc its like. for mike max is a representation of everything that could have happened to him if his mom left his dad earlier on (and what can still happen when you look at the way things are between them) and for max mike is a representation of everything that she could have had growing up if her mom hadn’t decided to leave her dad as fast as she did

#there is no way they don’t resent each other for it just a little bit. no fucking way sorry #mike knows max grew up with a shittier home life but still wishes his mom had the guts to do the same her mom did and left his dad bc #at the end of the day there is a little bit of bitterness towards both his parents for not making their relationship work out specifically #towards his dad bc his mom is actually involved in his life and did try to pretend that everything was normal when it wasnt which directly #ties into his desperate attempts to make his relationship with el seem normal to both of them when its not bc theyve both never been normal #they dont even know what normal really IS which also ties in to his very deep fear that the two of them will end up like his parents and so #meday he’ll become his dad and he doesn’t know which one is more terrifying so instead he blocks it all out in True Mike Wheeler FashionTM #and just keeps wishing that his mom left his dad because maybe if there was a distance between them when he was growing up maybe things wou #ldve been different maybe he wouldnt be this much like his dad #max on the other hand LOVES her dad they had one of those relationships where he wasn’t neglectful but wasn’t a great parent either but she #still loves him for trying and while her mom did try she gave up after a while while her dad didn’t. that was the real dealbreaker for max #and while after all this time she keeps saying im going to run away to cali and im going to live with my dad. but its not just the need to #see someone who cared for her the most during her early years its also the childish hope that her mom will notice that shes missing anf #come looking for her and that maybe when her parents finally meet again they can reconcile and get back together bc that is really all shes #ever wanted in her life since she was a kid and she feels bad for it bc she knows that her mom and dad’s relationship was never supposed to #last but she still wishes and wishes which is why that little bit of bitterness against mike will never fall away no matter how irrational #it is bc its like. his parents dont love each other but are still together for their kids. why couldnt my parents do the same? was i not en #ough reason for them? and this ties into her breaking up with lucas over and over again bc shes seen her parents and how they never fought #for each other and shes afraid that somewhere along the line her relationship with lucas will turn out the exact same and hell leave her so #its better to just leave now before it gets serious then later when it will hurt too much but lucas keeps coming back for her which makes #her realize that maybe it doesnt have to be like that maybe they wont be like her parents #anyway this is incoherent as fuck but shane mandej voice IVE CONNECTED THE DOTS #mike wheeler #max mayfield #stranger things

[arthur-r]

tonight is my last night sleeping in my bed. possibly for the rest of my life. and my last time in my room possibly for the rest of my life. and i want to just get a good night’s sleep to be ready for a long day tomorrow but it’s really not working out like that.

#my family is still up in the air maybe selling this house within the next month #in which case i will never be in this room ever again. otherwise i will be back for the holidays so there’s still a month of this bedroom #if we sell the house in the spring instead (only rational option there’s no way we can empty it in time) #especially since i will not be in this house whatsoever until after that sell date. my mom all by herself can’t empty it all #anyway i’m struggling a bit. saying goodbye to my home of 14 years???? #i’ve been through a lot in this place and most of it is bad memories but like. every good memory i have is from here too…. #and everyone i know irl is staying local i’m the only one who’s leaving. one irl friend is going to the same school as me but we had a fight #within the past month and i don’t think we’re ever going to recover because she just kind of never treated me like a person #so i’m starting from scratch and it’s really.. like fuck i want to get out of here but i’m also not at all ready to actually leave #i’m just going to miss all the stupid little things so much. even my online memories are tied to this place #like the woods down the street where my deer friends live and the ditch i fell into back in the day and all the places i’ve gotten lost #and they’ll be right here waiting for me and i’m SO excited for college i am but why does it have to feel so sudden???? #i dont know how anyone does it.. and all my friends are going to colleges in their hometown so i don’t even have anyone to compare with #i found out today that if we keep the house through the winter my mom is planning on using my room as a guest room and office. and of course #that makes sense and everything but now i have the most crushing guilt for not cleaning it up well enough. i thought it would be okay and #i’d just have to deal with it when i come back and i didn’t know she wanted to use it and she’s going to box up all of my things without me #and i feel guilty that i didn’t do that and i feel scared and upset because it’s my things and my room i don’t want it to change #i’m just really anxious and sad and scared and i don’t know what to do. school is going to be good but none of this feels real or normal #and i just feel sick and scared and i don’t know what to do. waking up at 8am and leaving at 9am and moving in at 2pm and that will be it #my mom and sister are staying for a couple days and that will be good i hope. i dont know i feel so conflicted about everything #and i’m tired and sick and angry and overwhelmed and i just want to take a week off and come back alive again #and i guess that’s what i’m about to do.. after i move in there’s eight days before college starts and all i’ll be doing is moving in #(and welcome week activities. and a lot of sleeping. but hopefully i’m gonna get a rollator through a loan program and that will help a lot) #anyway here’s what’s going on. i’m going to maybe try to sleep i guess. but if anyone has advice or encouragement about moving to college.. #now is the time i really need it. it’s just so strange and conflicted and everyone i know has been telling me i just need to get out of here #and myself included i really want to get out of here. but how can i start anew when everyone i’ve loved is shattered. and what have you #think i have to listen to that song for long enough to remember how badly i want to leave…. #i’m just really not feeling well. i’m angry that i never got to have the childhood i deserved #because now i’m leaving and that means it’s officially over…. i’m just really not feeling well. i think i’m running out of tags…. #i hope you all are well. i’ll be around in the morning maybe.. i’m not sure. hope everyone has a good night

[minglana]

my dad completely seriously proposed me going to back to the US when i finish uni...... oh my god😭

#like. ok yall. i. i dont know how to express it #but the US (esp. tx) is where i spent half of my teenage yrs and although its TEXAS i hold it so close to my heart #that i like. wouldnt mind going back #its one of the 3 or 4 places where it feels like home to me and i would love to experience it again #and like the most probable thing if i did end up going again is that i would go alone #and for me to be able to live alone so far away from my parents #while also in a place that felt like home. i think it would be such an amazing opportunity😭🥺 #but then. i think of how we had to get by without decent food and all the things we had to do to be able to eat normal food #and i see red bc like. i dont wanna experience that ever again😭😭😭 #but god i rly would love going back to tx #bc again. between zgz/uesca. my village. and the town in tx i grew up. all of those feel like home to me #zgz less so but thats beside the point #anyways i also know that if i went back it wouldnt feel like home anymore bc i have this idea that doesnt actually match up w reality #but idk bro😭 i just got so excited😭😭😭 #z xarre

[southislandwren]

ARRRGGGHHHHHHHHH the freshman wants to TRADE CARS for the weekend.... how do i politely say i would literally kill myself and everyone in a 10 mile radius if i had to let someone other than my mom, dad, and brother drive my car

#girl you are NOT getting access to my 98k mile 2017 grey subaru outback with smart cruise and lane detection and heated seats #and my stickers on the hatchback and the bluetooth audio and automaticly-changing night mode rearview mirror #and the comfy driver's seat in EXACTLY the position i want it in and the shifter knob that perfectly fits in my hand #like when my aunt drove my car last summer it basically solidified that i will never let anyone touch my car ever again #(she put a fucking TACO on TOP OF THE DASHBOARD and moved my fucking steering wheel!!!!!!!!) #my car was literally the only place i felt safe all of 2021 and 2022 im not letting some random fucking person TAKE her from me #i did not have a PANIC ATTACK leaving her at the mechanic for 2 DAYS for some fucking freshman to USE HER!!!!!!!!!!!!! #like i know i can be territorial but boy my car is all the territory i ever need. i could live out of my car if needed. #what if she fucking crashes it. shes been in soooo many accidents (i have heard all about them.) #dude if this were in person i wouldve fucking hissed and ran away i dont let people touch my fucking car!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #I drove 4 hours back to school at 11pm so that i wouldnt have to have my friend drive my fucking car!!!! #like genuinely i need to find a way to say no i cannot and will not let you use my car now or ever. #i dont care what her reasons are. her boyfriend could be fucking dying and i still wouldnt. #she wants to take my car to minnesota for a WEEKEND and i would not be there ???? NOOOOOO #sorry oh my god i just have to scream and cry a little so i can try to be normal in my response #gonna ask the parents for help i think bc they know im neurotic about my car #like very genuinely im very upset right now. i reread the text and her car is having issues so she wants to TRADE CARS #without even asking if im doing anything that would need a car this weekend (ummmm i fucking work on saturday and sunday is grocery day) #like sorry thats too big of a favor especially after the fucking snail debacle.... how do i know she wont CRASH MY FUCKING CAR ? #or even just like mess with the settings. like im fucking anxious at the IDEA of her being in MY drivers seat DRIVING MY CAR !!!!! #also it smells like cow shit real bad in there. does she REALLY want to drive to fucking minnesota in a cow shit car? #i need to chill i have work soon but like holy shit this has me acting up #i guess since i dont have any real stressors any more my body is like we need LEVEL 10 EMERGENCY STRESS RIGHT NOW #if this were the school year i'd have 3 benadryl inside me right now #like genuinely if this had been in person i probably wouldve been nasty like that is MY car i did not spend thousands of dollars on her #to let someone NOT on the insurance policy drive her!!!! #god okay back to totk until my parents text me back #diary post

[surrender-souls]

i need to make a trans allegory now.

#i hate this life the person everyone knows isnt me #shes my sister and i killed her and now im wearing her skin around and no one knows it #no one even noticed. no one knows me they all know her and god im sick of this #i want to have my own life i want to be able to meet people for the first time in my life #im 16 and no one has ever met me in the flesh. no one knows who i am. my parents have never met me #have never seen me. i dont know if theyll ever be introduced to me. #its the problem i had long ago i was so lonely because no one really knew me. and no one does still. #its an awful thing but im almost through ill go away and try to redo these years but it makes me sick #i want to live like a normal person i want people to call my name i want silly posters on my wall i want to complain with my friends #about the small things because the big things wouldn’t exist. i wouldnt think of death when things go against me #im worried ill fall out of guitar again i dont want to panic but i dont want to loose guitar its a passion of mine but i dont know #if i can support it on my own and if i cant i dont want to lose it or else ill cry and think of death again #and i wish there was a world where i could have lived like any other teen and have a happier time #and i wouldnt have to spend my time when im allowed to be out to mourn everything that prevented my happiness and health #ive had a teacher tell me getting older was awful when i was so happy for it to come #i want to get older i want to get old and i want to be able to prevent this. i dont want another one to experience this unhappiness #its such a certain feeling and you can see its not one you can get out of easily. you have to wait it out #im very happy to be trans it makes me feel so right but the limitations given to me by the world because of this #are horrible things. its like being disconnected from everyone else. watching them but never being able to be them #a distinct alienation not borne from any hatred from these people but from the things i am not allowed #i speak