#but i truly dont know if ill even still be alive in a years time

[tallymali]

i know this is a terrible awful ungrateful thing to say. but i sincerely hate my illness for not being terminal.

#i no longer have days when i wish to continue living #i went through all the childhood trauma and the failed suicide attempts #and i worked my ass off in therapy to get to a point where my brain was not a terrible place to live #and i sincerely felt happy about living and having a future #and then this happened. #and i dont know if i will ever live normally again #theres a chance im just gonna spend the rest of my life trapped inside my house numb from pain #so like. for the people who ask when im gonna post on onlyfans/reddit/whatever again: i dont know #i know you’re not asking that in an unkind way #i know its a compliment #but i truly dont know if ill even still be alive in a years time #i dont want to kms but i also dont have it in me to live my life like this #so yeah my answer to everything is i dont know and idk if i ever will know #sorry this is fuckin grim.

[krashoutluv]

Arkham Knight Relationship HCS !! <3

( light nsfw, mostly SFW tho!! )

literally my wife ( i made this pic idc abt creds i just wanna talk abt it)

SFW !! <3

dying on this hill when i say basically any red hood would be soo yummy with a civilian or just someone who is extremely balanced.

im a red hood needs more fucking normalcy in his life TRUTHER.

relationship starts off slow, romantic and platonic, you need to be patient with him long enough for him to get over his mental dilemmas to feel ANY-TYPE of way towards you.

more then like 6 months lets be real yall

his way of bonding is quality time. ill die on this hill, especially at the start of the relationship. Nothing huge maybe just spending a couple extra minutes around you before leaving.

next is probably gift giving, esp with early relations, probably just gonna order you food or put fifty bucks on your countertop. you dont even notice until you realize you find a fifty around the last place he was standing. expect deliveries from R.H whenever he feels bad for something.

doesn't like being around for too long, feels like he's messing up something. ruining your day by keeping you up late (he was there for fifteen minutes), ruining your mood, (there was an awkward silence for like 30 seconds.)

not a overly conscious thought process though, he feels physically he isn’t supposed to be there. for whatever subconscious thing he picked up on, a awkward silence, or hes been there 15 minutes too long or something

well sometimes he'll mentally beat himself up.

he spirals a lot, needs someone to pull him out of that.

i think when he needs to be grounded, its not just comfort its making him feel alive in the present moment. he's never gonna truly forget about his traumas but maybe for just an hour or two; running around an arcade, walking around the city. just making him feel normal, yeah you BAGGED his ass quick.

he needs someone patient, really patient, someone whos very attentive and empathetic. (but not a complete push- over def needs someone to set him in line still)

i think if you move to quickly, he'll get super snappy and ghosting you,, ong put ur hands on him too early and he's left hooking you.

yeah you're waking up and the first thing your hearing is "Its been 12 years..."

second thing you hear is "you've been in a coma for.. 12 years."

third thing you're hearing is, " we think a bus hit you...”

obviously not touchy, even when he is settling down. hes just not sure how to .. or where to .. or why he wants too.

please his mental gymnastics get so crazy, just sit down with him and put on some silly ass movie so he stops

when he’s settled he cant pry himself off you though.

a lot of his expressions can definitely be told by his body language, naturally hes tense but theres certain habits he has when he's maybe thinking too much, or fustrated/irritated.

but he does all of the same for you, comfort, love, as much as he can he tries

Very attentive, has a mental list of 'shit you do when somethings wrong' or 'shit you like.'

doesn't consciously make any of these mental list, he just knows.

"didnt they say they liked this?" He pauses "shit ill just leave it at their window."

so he's like canonically smart as shit.

you have too much work from your boss or professor? hand it over its done in less then two hours.

literally buys you groceries and pays your bills (fucking lover boy.)

arkham knight finally figuring out how to ask for a hug (hes been dead silent for 5 minutes) (link) <— insta reel

HES A CHEM/HISTORY NERD FOR SURE

NSFW !! <3

probably- A FUCKING VIRGIN !! HES A NERD !! GETS AWKARD AS SHIT. WITH RAGING COMMITMENT AND TRUST ISSUES !! (will still die4you tho)

AGAIN, not in a "my soft squishe potato always been scared of sex" way but in a ‘oh my god hes so unsocialized’ way.

yall ever see a big ass dog just..standing.. literally him (hes dissociating)

genuinely dont believe that when he was arkham/training to be, he was sexually or romantically involved with anyone. the last thing that was on his mind was actually pursuing a sexual or romantic relationship.

along with his trauma, he just wasn’t comfortable with any of that.

ghosted so many people..

couldn’t flirt for more then five minutes, just stopped feeling it or got uncomfortable .

I AM ANTI ARKHAM KNIGHT BEING A SEX GOD

not that he’s horribly awkward, but he’s noticeably a bit more quiet for first times.

ofc this man has watched porn n’ shit but hes smart enough to know thats not what its really like.

he’ll still figure it, what makes you tic, what you love, what makes you most comfortable.

kinda shitty at dirty talk, just makes him buffer.

he gets better at it tho, too damn good

gets so snarky and confident about it too uuhgrr

late relationships hes smirking and chatting your ears off cause you know hes gettin you turnt.

he has a love-hate relationship with his scars. 95% they remind him of his past, but 5% hes alright with them because they’ve shown what hes been through.

deep, deep, deep, deep, deep down, he knows hes fine as fuck. TRUST YALL.

again, super observant and attentive. really pays attention to what you enjoy.

I genuinely don’t believe hes into super hardcore/painful kinks or anything.

Sex for him is definitely a way of showing his trust and intimacy with someone!! Let him show you how much he loves you and how much he wants to make you feel good! Do the same to him !!

mmm tell him how good hes doing and hes a absolute mess!!

praise him! PRAISE HIM *im yelling from the hospital bed im strapped down on*

wouldn’t let you ride for awhile, but once he’s comfortable with it ,, he’s actually obsessed.

cant see him bottoming , just wouldn’t be comfortable with it

my brain is getting messy so im stopping here! feedback and comments would be cool if you wanna drop some!

#jason todd #jason peter todd #jason todd x reader #arkham knight x reader #arkham knight #arkham knight smut #jason todd smut #jason todd headcanon #arkham knight headcanon #jason todd hc #red hood x reader #red hood smut

[mrgladstonegander]

MORE BOOTLEG DUCKTALES ‼️team science (oops! all identity issues!) edition

team magic here

archimedes gallas / gyro = more like other versions where he's nice but this man is carrying SOOOO much guilt. insane amounts. his entire character is focused on how much his self-worth is down the drain (also hes being haunted by the narrative (phoebe/della)). also he's half japanese. based off the onagadori

cherry pekin / huey = has a similar problem to archie where she has overwhelming feelings of needing to seem mature, and responsible, where she overworks herself

sydney eggtooth-diazi / fenton = REALLYY wants to seem like a Professional Normal Dude. repressing EVERY urge to wear silly ties. sees morality in a black and white sort of way and it WILL cause problems later. he puts archie on a pedestal and its super obvious and it just makes archie more mentally ill

salem milly / gandra = planning to really lean into how she joined fowl bc they were the only ones that supported her. mainly the contrast with how the Main Family supports each other with unconditional love, the love she has is purely conditional, and she's constantly convincing herself that she Wants to do bad things, and that she doesnt care about these people, because despite how she says she only listens to herself, shes stuck to FOUL, and thats her 'family'. based on mille fleur d'uccle

frankie loon / fethry = IT IS PART OF TEAM SCIENCE‼️ after getting back to mainland after being alone at sea for four years, he joins as a janitor. pulling back the marine biology in the sense that he is interested in EVERYTHING. man of a 10000 copies. winning the idgaf war (DOES care abt how his family is disinterested in his interests but its FINE because HE cares its fine its fine. he's accepted he'll be alone). its presence WILL send everyone else into a shock about their identity. hopefully it'll happen vice versa as well

widget-time-tech / widget / gizmoduck / lil bulb = theyre being consolidated and also theyre lil bug guys now!! i dont care if you hate bugs theyre cute as shit!! widget is Usually in the little ball, but also helps control the suit with sydney. it still has anger issues so it'll make things harder for sydney rather than just silly incompetence. and it was DEFINENTLY made to be a superhero ai. no other purposes. at all. certainly not messing with the fabric of time. just helping the ppl of the town :)

mad clucktor / mad clucktor = iwhile he IS a villain he isn't necessarily a bad person. hes a physical manifestation of the part of archie that WANTS to be alive! that KNOWS his worth! he doesn't have to work himself to death to make up for his guilt!

and he's the reason why toby is even active. why he's back

toby / boyd = cannot be normal abt this sorry

he was made to be archie's idea of the "perfect boy". the perfect kid. what he wants to be what he WISHED he would be growing up. hes happy, he can do everything right, he's intelligent, he's strong. his existence is free of human doubt and anxiety, he's the perfect boy and if he was in archie's place everything would be fine

but it isnt! he gets used! toby's used for evil through no fault of his own. but he becomes a symbol of things that are "wrong" about archie. toby didn't resent anyone or be upset with how people treat him. toby doesnt have his own needs. he can do whatever people need him to do. toby was his symbol of hope but becomes a symbol of how everything with him goes wrong. he becomes an unachievable goal that archie is trying to be to make up for the existence of toby!!

and so the only way for either of them to be "truly human" is when archie learns that he doesn't have to be perfect. he never had to be. even if he's made mistakes, he still deserves to LIVE!! he doesn't have to hide his pain and discomfort for anyone!! and its okay for toby to be toby!

#dt47 #ducktales #ducktales au #dt17 au #duckverse #plant talk #should i tag mainline ppl for this. would that be ok #sooo not normal about these people they drive me INSANE #gladdy/oliver oca was the reason this started THESE PEOPLE ARE KEEPING IT GOING!!!!!!! MY GOD #redesign

[prttydolls]

all you are hurting is, yourself. ˖*°࿐ᵕ̈ Draco Lucius Malfoy.

ˋ°•*⁀➷ anon request :: OR OR, a dark!angst where draco loses himself in grief over readers death? entirely up to you, i’ve too many thoughts fksbkdns. i love your writing! don’t forget to take breaks and look after yourself?

ˋ°•*⁀➷ warning(s) :: death, drinking, ghosts, force relationships

ˋ°•*⁀➷ authors note :: thank u sm for requesting!! also awwwww im so touched bye 😭💕 tyyysm! (edit, this is my former apology for the kriss smut.)

draco couldn't believe it, you were gone. he lost you, just because some stupid death eater wanted to kill him.

and you, sacrificed yourself for someone whos arrogant, ungrateful, rude brat.

he truly didn't deserve an angel like you to take your life for him, him to live again.

all he only got from you was a faint... “i love you drac, take care.” before your eyes closed as you dozed off to your death. he saw your soul jump out of your body, and slowly evaporated into the air. gone.

you were gone.

just like that.

˖*°࿐ᵕ̈

that was years ago, you might atleast expect draco to move on.

but how can he when he lost the most perfect thing in the world? he knew he couldn't just leave you that. he felt like he was cheating on you, even tho you already passed.

his parents tried to set him up with other girls.

girls who were rich.

girls who were pureblooded.

girls who were fake.

it made him feel disgusted at his parents, all they cared was the heir.

"draco, you are the only son of ours we need you to carry the malfoy name.”

“draco, move on.”

" draco-”

draco this, draco fucking that. CANT THEY SHUT UP?!

all they cared, was that since his birth.

carry the malfoy name.

thats what he didn't wanna do, carry his fucking family name. what draco didn't know, you saw everything that happened to draco.

you extremely felt sorry for the love of your life, but alast u cant do anything because you were dead.

all you could do was watch him from afar, as a ghost.

˖*°࿐ᵕ̈

you had enough of draco's actions, although you were dead you needed to put some sense into him.

he had been drinking alot, and 99% of the time he wasn't sober.

this isn't the draco you knew since the 1st year.

draco was throwing another shot of fire whiskey down his throat, the taste burning his throat, it hurts but it feels so good.

“draco.” you said, slowly appearing him in the bathroom.

draco didn't listen to the voice, he thought he was hallucinating. “perhaps you didn't hear me, Draco.” you called out once more.

your voice was... wasn't the same as it was before. it sounded so ghostly.

“y/n..?” he turned around to see a ghost wearing a night gown, a torn one to be exact.

the same excact one you wore in your funeral.

a beautiful, floral night gown with beautiful blossoms embroidered at the bottom.

your hair looked damaged, but you still looked beautiful.

just as beautiful as he met you at the train, all those years ago.

“draco, listen to me i dont have much time. i want you, to move on please. my heart cant see you like this, all depressing and sad. i want you to find someone to make you happy again, someone who you could hold during lonely nights. someone who you could call, your soulmate. i, am dead now draco i cant be alive anymore. you seriously need to move on, you aren't hurting your parents, or anyone.

all you are hurting is, yourself.”

draco was stunned, this really was you. he wasn't even hallucinating...

“i love you draco, truly. you were my first everything. but it pains me to say this, i cant be with you anymore. for all i am now, is a ghost.” you said, as ghastly tears flooded your cheeks as you held dracos arm.

he felt your touch for the first time in years, it wasnt the same as before. it wasnt warm, and fuzzy the type of fuzzy that would make his heart rate.

it now just feels, cold and bone chilling.

"so, please just for me. move on?”

“yes, ill move on. for you, darling.”

tag list: @dracoslittleangel @imabee-oralizard @f4iryluvy @lilytoyourjames @siriusblackstwin @thehalfbloodedwitch @hhesperidess @bigpoppajes @dr4cosimp @blackthunder137 @pottahishotasf @slytherin-princess247 @n0agranger

#draco malfoy x you #draco malfoy x reader #draco malfoy x y/n #draco malfoy x ghost!reader #draco x you #draco x reader #draco x y/n #draco x ghost!reader #draco malfoy angst #x reader #angst #tw death #tw drinking #— {🐚} her work's !

[creedlover]

Chapter one

Warnings: violence(?)

"You're on thin ice, Wade." Logan drops wade on the floor, wade coughs and sucks in a breath "kinky" "You have a death wish, Wade. You are only here because Charles believes in giving people second chances. I don't." Logan growled, deadpool goes quiet at the mention of Charles, to deadpool, charles and Stryker were one in the same, as if reading his mund, Logan growls "He's nothing like Stryker, You'd do well to remember that." "Yeah? 'S That why he convinced me Stryker would 'cure my cancer'?!" Logan's eyes narrow, his breath heavy as he tries to rein in his rage. His claws extend, rattling as they move

"Do you know the difference between you and me, Wade?" "Your like a hundred years older than me?" Wade spoke sarcastically "Not what I was thinking, but not wrong. I have centuries of training and discipline. You... don't. When it comes to killing, I'm the best there is. There's no one alive who can come close. Do I need to demonstrate?" A sick smile spreads on wades face "go ahead" Logan's body tenses as he raises a fist with his claws fully extended, growling, his eyes glowing red. He slowly lifts his fist and brings it down toward Wade's face. With a split second to spare, he stops his fist inches from Wade's face, so close that Wade can feel the heat coming off his claws. Logan stands over Wade staring down at him with his red glowing eyes

"Does that answer your question?" "Loud and clear" a vein was visibly throbbing on logans forehead as he stares down at Wade, clenching his fists as he tries to control his rage. His whole body is trembling with the tension of it all. Logan finally speaks in a barely controlled whisper..

"...Next time, I wont stop." Wade laughed "Do I make you mad Howlett? Do you wanna hurt me? then go ahead, mark me up" Wade spoke and the tension turned awfully romantic. "Go ahead, cut me up, break every bone in my body, rip out my guts, shoot me full of holes, just let it all out. Because when you're done, Ill still be standing right here, waiting for you to finish" Wolverine looks shocked as the words leave wades mouth. They don't seem to fit, but he knows he's being honest. The mutant in him knows exactly how much pain he can take before he passes out, dies or heals.

"I can stand my ground against you, Logan. And if you want to beat me, you'll have to kill me first. So, do us both a favor and get it over with." Wade spoke again, his voice harsh and determined "What are you doing?" "Making sure your ready to fight. I've watched you beat people to a pulp and never even blink. Why won't you hurt me?" "Because I dont want to kill you" "Then what are you doing?!!" Logan growls "Look at me! Look into my eyes and see that I'm telling the truth!" "I can't" Logan looks away, ashamed, as he tries to find an excuse. But there isn't any. Deadpool is right. He doesn't want to hurt Wade. Not really. If he did, he would have already. He does love wade, in a sick and twisted way, he can never truly live without him, but that doesn't mean he wont to hurt him, or even kill him. But there's no reason to. Wade deserves to live.

"Theres no reason to" Logan thought again as he looked back at his teammate. He knew this wasn't easy for him, but he had to try. If he didn't, Wade might actually end up getting killed. And if that happened, he'd never forgive himself.

"Okay" Logan said, sighing, releasing his grip on his claws "Fine." He dropped his hands and stood there looking down at Wade.

"You're right, Wade. I don't want to hurt you. I don't want to kill you either." "Thanks" Wade rolls his eyes Logan looked around. No one else was there. Wolverine was alone with his thoughts and feelings, Wade was there, but he didn't count, He sighed, shaking his head as he looked down at Wade, his eyes glazed over, trying to think of something else. He couldn't help but wonder what it would be like if Wade died. Would he mourn him? Or would he be relieved? He didn't know. His heart ached, but his mind was made up. He refused to give Wade the satisfaction of knowing that he could hurt Logan.

"But I will do this"

×××

Deadpool was sitting there, quietly, waiting for the moment to pass, twiddling the lit cigarette in his fingers when he felt something land on his shoulder. It startled him, but he quickly realized it was Logan.

"Sorry about your cheek" Logan whispered, "its.. its fine" wade responded, absent mindedly rubbing his bloody cheek, keeping his voice low, as if he wanted to avoid alerting the others, logan stopped dead in his tracks "that's my hoodie..." logan said "oh." Wade was about to take it off "it's fine. Keep it on" logan waved it off "just wasn't expectin that" Wade blushed and took a drag of his cig

"How are you holding up?"

"It'll get easier" "what do you mean?" "Im ready to fight, Logan. I'm calm. I'm ready to fight. Im not scared anymore" wade passed logan the smoke, he took it "Good, It's nothin like what you've been through, though" he passed it back "you've got no idea what I've been through, Howlett" deadpool spoke low, growling, but there wasn't any real bite to it, there was a morbid intimacy between the two men, they could share anything, there was no real judgement, even if they pretended, they were truly to halfs and they did make a whole. Logan heard foot steps, he turned to see Charles hurrying toward them.

"Logan! Wade! What are you two doing out here? I told you to stay inside, I don't want you getting hurt before practice!" Charles scolded, giving Wade a stern look. Wade simply smiled, but Logan was completely deflated.

"We were just talking, Charles" Logan lied, hoping that Wade wouldn't catch on.

"Were you fighting?" "No" "Then why is Wade's cheek all bloody?" Charles asked, his voice rising slightly "I'm sorry" Wade spoke "we were just joking around"

"Joking around with Wolverine?" Charles raised an eyebrow "Charles, you know we were just messing around" "Just making sure" he nodded, satisfied "well, I'll let you two get back to whatever it is you're doing" "Thank you" Logan looked at Wade "Did you want to talk?"

"Maybe later" Wade said, giving Logan a reassuring smile "maybe" "Well, we should probably head back in" "Right" wade stomped out the cig and the pair walked back into the building, leaving Charles alone. Wade was quiet as they walked, and Logan found himself wondering why. Was he Worried that he was going to get hurt? Or was he just upset about what happened earlier? he felt a strange, sudden protectivness of wade suddenly wash over him, Whatever it meant, he didn't say anything until they reached the door.

"Do you... want to talk about it?"

Wade seemed to hesitate for a moment, then shook his head.

"No, I don't think so."

Logan frowned, and they entered the building together

#deadpool #Wolverine #logan howlett #wade wilson #slow burn #does it count as a slowburn if theres smut in chapter 3?

[hikari-writes]

Heyyoo,,,

It's me, that bitch Hikari who disappeared without saying a word for two whole years-

Owkdnkwndjw where do i start man-

First of all, I am deeply, truly, sorry for disappearing on you guys like that, really. I owe you guys an explanation but tbh i just think im making excuses at this point. But i just wanna say that Im sorry. Im really really sorry…

I promised myself that i wont be active here again until april of next year (ill explain later as to why) but i thought id just drop in rq to notice you guys that im still here, alive and well, and fortunately not dead yet-

It's been so long since i last wrote any fanfic, and i havent written anything proper ever since 2 years ago, but i rlly miss being able to write,, it was one of my passion, and still is even tho i never wrote anything for the past years,,, id rlly like to come back and revive this dead writing blog once im finally free on april of 2023… I hope you guys will be able to welcome me back at that time with open arms (or just dropkick me for being so inactive i dont mind whichever ahhseilwnekdj)

I have an upcoming big exam next year from february to march 2023, an exam that will carve my path as an adult, which, if any of you malaysians seeing this, yes its SPM. U could say my whole career depends on this, hence why I've been so inactive on tumblr for the past years (and also some other reasons but thats one of it)

I know a lot of my moots have moved on, some still here and some have deactivated or delete their account and all i feel is,, regret. A lot of my moots are what helped me get through my darker moments during quarantine, and the fact that ill probably lose contact with them for forever is horrifying. I wish i had at least contacted them for one last time b4 i disappeared 2 years ago. I wish i was able to ask for their other socmed so that i can still contact them. It's stupid, i know, since I'm the one who disappeared on yall in the first place. I rlly, rlly, am sorry. I just hope you know that. 

I rlly miss you guys. I truly do. Its been so long. You guys are the sweetest people ive ever had the pleasure of knowing and im truly blessed by that fact. I srsly dont deserve you. Thank you, thank you, thank you, for always putting up with my antics and simpings, and always just,,, being the sweetest person ever. I truly dont deserve yall. You guys are the reason i still havent deleted or deactivated my acc. I just cant let go of you guys. Thats why i still keep this up even tho im hella inactive. So that i can still come back here, someday. 

Ive gotten into some more fandoms while i was gone, and I'll add that to my masterlist. I promise when i come back, ill write more for you guys (even tho my writing aint nothing special windijskd) 

Thank you again for all the support youve given me for the past years. I appreciate every one of you <333 I have so many things i wanna say but its all jumbled up and my mind's a mess but just know that im sorry and thank you, for just,, everything 💞💞💞 i hope when i come back, i can still be the hikari you guys remember me as 💓

This isn't a goodbye post, far from it. This is simply a see you later post. I love you guys, stay hydrated, and always rmmbr that ure an awesome person who deserves all the love in the world 💗💗💗

-Signing off for now,

Hikari

#rambles

[wangfy]

i know my parents are tired of me.

and why? ive been sent to the mental hospital three times. first time was october 2023, i took a lot of pills for attention really... i was addicted to popping pills sadly. parents didnt really care. second time was january 2024, suicide attempt after my parents took away my phone (which was my only comfort at the time while i was hurting myself). february 2024 was my third time, i had a panic attack due to my past sexual abuse. told my parents about it for the first time... it went well but then my stepdad said what i was always afraid that my mother would say. "it happens to most women, youre not the only one." is it true? yes. but that's not what someone wants to hear. it made me feel as though what i expressed wasnt important as it "happened to others too". i dont feel alive. i want to harm myself everyday. i dont want to wake up. i want to die. i hate myself. i lie to others about my self-confidence. no, i dont like my hair. no, i dont like my eyes. it's a lie. i say it so i dont seem weak. whenever i get compliments, i feel everything bursting inside of me. i want to cry of happiness. like, you think im pretty? really? i find it so shocking, but i accept it simply as a "thank you". i never want to do anything fun. "let's go to the arcade!" and all of my siblings agree. i hate the arcade. i hate everything but reading. writing used to be my passion but now thats fading too. the only thing im proud of are my grades. it's the only thing that proves im still here. im still myself. i laugh about the way my mother used to punch me in my stomach when she was upset. or when she hit me when tv cords. but truly it hurts me to my soul that she did that. its either i die or someone else does. i cannot control myself anymore, at least not for long. ive lost my passion. my love. my everything. im not even sure i want to go to college anymore. funny that im saying all of this yet if my grade drops below an A ill go crazy. though, miss liz (my therapist) isnt wrong. if i really didnt care about my life i'd just let myself fail, like i did freshman year. im sorry. really. my parents have to deal with the death of their child. my siblings dealing with the death of their sister. i need serious help, but getting that help will make me even more of a black sheep than i already am. i hate myself for being this way. why cant i just be normal?

[deyanirahayes]

idk man this is the only social media that i have no ties to anyone on and i just need to vent/rant/ whatever bc the unsent project only allows 100 characters and i have so many emotions that i will get lectured at if i post somewhere ppl will see it.

i am fine. not happy. not good. just fine.

i miss a life that i never had. something i have learned over the years ive been alone is how much i love to run. anytime anything in my life gets hard i do whatever i can to run away from it. ill change my name, hair, style, house, friends, ANYTHING to forget that version of myself and that time of my life. i have never had a strong sense of self, i dont know who i am or what i stand for. its funny, my mother may have been wrong about so much but she was right about that.

i have done horrible things. everyday when theres a pause in the chaos i remember. i hate it. no matter what i change, the memories remain.

ive gotten better at taking accountability. ive gotten better at just making the right decisions in the first place. what might be the easy choice is rarely ever the right answer. my brain is sick, but other people shouldnt have to suffer because of it.

i started taking my meds regularly again. its not easy and i feel empty but if thats what keeps the people i love safe then ill do it over and over again. i still remember the last message he ever sent me. he really was trying even after everything.

i catch myself missing him often. its not fair; its actually incredibly selfish. things were not good. we were awful together because of me. i wonder if we had met later on, maybe things wouldve been different.

i doubt it. he was my first true love. if it wasnt with him it wouldve been someone else. thats how i know deep down i was the issue all along.

overall im fine. there is nothing special about me. anyone on the street wouldnt give me a second glance. i no longer feel pride in being "brutally honest". ive learned thats nothing but an excuse for being mean. i just dont see the world like i used to. i am not better than anyone else. i dont need to be.

im glad that im working on being better. im just sorry it happened too late. i couldve been so much more.

nostalgia is a funny thing. i am in love with my past. maybe its because in the end ill always be more comfortable in chaos. maybe its because im scared ill forget the things ive truly loved.

i still write about him. not music. its more poetry. music is alive. everything about him is dead now. like ink on parchment.

in the end, i really want him to know he was what changed me. im glad i no longer cringe away from mirrors. im glad i dont see her in my reflection anymore. he always did feel obligated to fix what was broken. i just wish my brokenness didnt cut into him as deep as it did.

i dont love him. i dont hate him. i just want to be free of who i was when i was with him. but thats the price of destruction.

#letters i can’t send

[torracats-oatmeal]

maybe after i graduate but i dont know. things keep stopping me from just doing it i need to actually lock in and pick a date and just stick it out i know i shoildnt say that here but i will forget otherwise and im already. Kind alosing it rn?? i broke down in front of my brother today and i almost strangled him i dont know who he is i dont know who i am im not me right now and everyone next to me was never real and i never seen rhem before and km losinf it im losing it so hard right nkw and i need skmeone tks ee my fickfifn skull theyll know then theyll all know when im gone i will write i will write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write so theyll remember and so ill keep writing and writing and writing and writing and writing you do not understand and youll never understand you think you do but you never will i will perish and its all so predictable it will always turn out this way i am scarred wounds too deep to ever truly heal and for it to mean that i survived. i am not alive and i was never alive from the moment i was cut out from my mother i am freezinf i am so so so so cold. they need to dismantle all of it i dknt understand whar is wrong with my head and i want it to just stip its been years and i will lash out and hurt those who dare get close you know who you are you shouldnt be here and i will do somethifn and everyone will see then how serious i was my feet are muddy and freezinf the water up just below the knees and my hands shared the same amount of mud it stuck under my fingernails and the broken glass and ropes still hang jn my closet and i want to join them in inanimacy, my life seeping into the floor and i will haunt this house i will haunt this house and this ground forever and then youll know youll finally lnow what it is to open your eyes and pull your head out of your ass and maybe just maybe yoill realize how much of an effect you truly have i dont even talk to you anymore father would he still not respect me for what i wm now and what i will become if i keep walking the water will get pasr my knees rhen my waist then my chesr. then i will swim. i will drown. i will drown. i will drown. i will drown. i will drown. i will drown. inwill drowl i will frown i will drown i will drown. i will drown. i will drown. i will. drown iwill drown i wkl frownn i wilddrown iwild drone im gojgn to drown i am drownign but i have to get up and keep walking. keep walkifn i fjckeibf. hate uou hiu onow what yiu did i will fickfinf find yih and mamoe yiu remember i will remember j have remember i fuckifn hate uou illstranglienand lill you ill rememer. ill always remember. and by the time you forget finally i will open you back up and pour the boiling water, boiling for years. it was closed off and had nowhere to go. festering and festering and growinf more erratic and awful. youll feel it in your lungs. i will watch you squirm as the water churns out of your trhoat snd then i still will not be satiated. theyll never find youfather just leik they never foudn him oor rhe other one. i am your daughter and i will prove it to youwjkwjaf am i talkinf about im so uslet rn i dknt know i need to do it and when i do they wont they wonr they wonr he will die and i will die blood blood blood theyll never find you i oromse you i dont know you or him or myself i wont find myself and by the time i do it will be too late i will be spilling everywhere in the tub

[maurenislife]

Miss martyr

Sir scapegoat

That is me

I wish that man blew my brains apart in that parking lot

Or when i almost had my heartrate slow down n die in my sleep off beans

Or the one time i passed out in my kitchen

What about the time i tried to jump out my window

Or the one time i tried to leap in front of a car

Jealous of me in my dreams im always dying or choosing too, getting stabbed to death while somebody looks me in my eyes n my life dont flash, it cut to black

I live pathetic existence

Like only so many times i can get up n recover or pick up my pieces n put them all back together with no regrets or like putting it back together confidently like this rlly me

Or am I overdramatic mellow dramatic

Like is it all a mixup

Till i review the footage in my brain of last 25 years

And everything stings like it happened yesterday even when im sober nothing rlly comes together my brain is a empty apartment with no where to sit, just standing there, wondering where everyone is, when is anybody coming back?

Does anybody care enough to sit n listen n care for 0$.

Everything comes at a exchanging price

When the personalities all collide

It makes one empty person,

When u finally show people how empty it is, look around when there truly is nothing more to see then its time to go

All the exes get to peak inside and see that its just as fucked up n blank in here.

How having no mother figure truly makes u feel a bit withdrawn i dont have her checking in she could rlly care less i see why im not doing anything worthy but breathing n taking up space n money by being alive

Im sure thats how my dad feels too, just preserving my body my entity cause its the proper thing to do.

Alot of things truly mean nothing

Not money, not the car being paid off, not the nicest fit or hair its to cover up all the stuff i know ill never recieve cause it cant be bought u cant buy love or warmth or a soul or innocence or buy back anything literally forced outta me.

Its now just me

Gotta worry bout me

Why u do fake pills maybe a lucky one will take me out this life, put me in the infinite sleep cycle,

So peaceful thinking about the day u wont be here.

My biggest mistake was ever rlly just not playing the role i know how to play well,

Zip it!

Everything done to me is sad no doubt

But whats sadder is i truly believed my prayers worked i never pray yanno im like omg somebodies listening to me besides

Doris and its not true there is no god for me

Devil ingrained the future for me long time ago, suffering since just in the pit of my stomach i stand in the empty small space. I stare in the room

Its just me again void is unfillable

Once my grandma leave this earth i will do the same maybe not now, I threaten kms all the time cause its peaceful

This life is full of broken promises and people willing to make them knowing theres only one promise

Death

Love isnt promised unless u love yourself

I can touch my hand in the mirror n still feel bad for the reflection

I know im not the prettiest the funniest or the bestest im literally on bottom of my own shoe

Shes terrible, i can be replaced with better

I can do better i can try harder but its the void right there, it doesnt care what you may do, who u are. Ur void is the never ending pocket of what u will never have.

I wanted all the pathetically dumb shit

[daffodilfool]

Diary Entry.

Wednesday 04-10-2023

It's spooky month

i missed the first couple days but god damnit who cares

I keep this diary for ME and MYSELF ONLY!

i had a thought this morning which i dont know how to feel about it

i find a strange comfort in knowing the last thing ill ever remember is Outer Wilds

when im 90 years old and riddled with alzheimers and dementia and i've forgotten who i am, who my friends and family are, and everything ive ever made, i will still cry when i hear the calm guitar of timber hearth and the rushing water of the geysers

theres a tumblr post i think of from time to time, while its not exactly a poem in the traditional sense i do think it would be fair to call it such

"I hate it when I can't even write a poem about something because it's too obvious. Like in the aribnb I was at I guess it used to be a kid's room cause you could see the imprint of one little glow in the dark star that had been missed and painted over in landlord white. Like that's the poem already what's the point? You get it. You get the themes. I don't have time to do it justice. Just look at it. It's on the ceiling."

[Permalink to the tumblr post]

theres a lot of stuff like this

i too have a painted over glow in the dark star in my room

well

a chunk of it

the adhesive stuck to the wall so well we couldnt get it off and the arm snapped leaving only the tip glued to the wall

i still see it through the paint sometimes and wonder if someone in the future will see it and think about it when we eventually move out of the house

fossils too

a living being from millions of years ago frozen in time, quite literally set in stone

as little as a half mandible is enough to reconstruct an entire animal and its life

the lives of those around it

here we are, millions of years later, fawning over a rock with an odd shape

we give it life

we give it personality

we study every inch of its remains all to craft a story of the unknowable world before us

part of it is pursuit of knowledge, sure

but deep down do we really ponder the past because WE want to?

or do we remember the lost souls who have slumbered within the earth for eons to keep the memory of those who are no longer with us alive

Death in life is the death of the body, yes, but so long as you've made a mark, any mark, any sign of your existance, did you ever truly die?

Outer Wilds is poetic

it drives us to find out the dreams and goals of the Nomai

and we say we do it because we want to figure out the mystery

but if it really was just that, how come i still think about Outer Wilds despite knowing everything that happened

to the Nomai

to the Hearthians

to the Owlks

I'm done with Outer Wilds

I've done everything

theres nothing more for me to learn

and yet i keep returning to the game

if for no other reason than to simply say hi to the Hearthians

and to honour the dreams of the Nomai

and to help the Prisoner move on

why is it that when i open the game i spend my first 10 minutes simply standing in the middle of the town and listen to the rushing waterfall and the soothing music

and why is it that when i hear the banjo and the crackles of the Hatchlings campfire get lit, I cry?

by the time im old

when my brain has rotted

i will be looking through everything ive ever written

everything ive ever said

ill be looking through this very diary

you wont remember me

you wont remember baba

you wont remember thyme, or ava, or nessie, or ash

you wont remember your sister, your dog, your mom or dad

you wont remember all the poems you wrote

you wont remember all the drawings you did

you wont remember all the characters you've spent so much time playing with and putting in silly situations

you wont remember the nomads

you wont remember the Janitor

but I know for a fact that whoever is taking care of you by then will put on the theme of Outer Wilds

and i know for a fact that you will remember

You'll shed a tear, and it will be the product of every piece of art you've experienced, everyone you've ever cared about, everything that has had an impact on you, molded you and changed you as a person.

In that moment, though you may not remember me, you'll know that we're still the same person.

Deep down I know you're aware that, despite everything,

I love you.

#diary #outer wilds #echoes of the eye #art #poetry #poem

[oflgtfol]

the idea of a catholic based mental health clinic just gives me the heebie jeebies. like one of the very first things that made me start losing faith in the church due to its institutionalized cruelty, is the catholic view of mental health, by which i mean the whole idea that committing suicide is one of the worst sins you can commit and will automatically land you in hell is just so utterly heinous and unsympathetic.

i was 11 years old and my only mental health problem at the time was my childhood anxiety, which surprise surprise, the catholic church definitely took advantage of in a way that i know fucked me over even worse than my peers going through the same religious education classes. so even though i didnt really consider myself mentally ill at the time, i was definitely subconsciously sympathetic due to my own struggles, and also just, i mean it’s fucking common sense and basic human compassion, when someone takes their own life then that’s the ultimate sign of suffering, i was 11 and even then before i truly developed my own moral backbone it just seemed so fucking cruel to victim blame people who are literally fucking mentally ill and going through such shit that they’d rather die by their own hand than continue living. it’s one thing to say oh its a sin :( dont do it :( and it’s another thing to say YOU WILL AUTOMATICALLY GO TO HELL AND SUFFER FOR ALL OF ETERNITY IF YOU DO IT. like as if someone who is already suffering in life enough to kill themself, now deserves to continue suffering even worse, even longer for all of eternity, in the flames of hell? what exactly does that solve? it’s just so fucking cruel for no fucking reason.

and the thing that really made this my breaking point with losing faith in the church and the religion as a whole, is that i tried to poke holes in the logic of this rule, find if there was any leniency at all in it, due to aforementioned cruelty. i asked my teacher, what if someone killed themself as a sacrifice to save other lives? what if killing themself saved literally All Of Humanity? (my inspiration here was robin williams’ character in the movie independence day. lol.) and my teacher said. i actually dont know, let me get back to you on that when i ask the church higher ups. which the fact she was UNCERTAIN and needed to ASK already filled me with doubt. and then she did get back to me the next week and she said. yeah actually you would still go to hell for that. because you killed yourself. and it was just the most, utter absolute outrage and injustice that filled my 11 year old body. you hate people who commit suicide so much that even if you do it for some higher noble cause, literally saving the entire fucking human race, you still go to hell.

and i must stress this, because this is what the church stressed to me: hell is Hell. you will be burning. in excruciating pain, because burning alive is one of the worst pains imaginable. and you will be burning alive for all of eternity. not one hour. not one day. not one year. not five years. not fifty years. not a century. but forever. forever and ever with no end in sight and you will suffer for your sin, your sin of committing suicide, because God gave you the ultimate Gift Of Life and you had the audacity to throw that away. dont you know God loves you? He gave you life and this is what you do with His gift? you make Him sad when you sin like this. so you have to suffer for it. for all of eternity.

it is just. so fucking heinous and so fucking ableist and actively hostile to mentally ill people, and because this applies even to people who kill themselves as a sacrifice, frankly just hostile to human life in general. i mean you want someone to let the entire human race die? because the only way to save the entire human race is to kill yourself? how is that at all sympathetic to humanity as a whole? its just indicative of the ironclad control the church has, the godfear it relies on to keep people in line, the way it wields the idea of hell to scare people down to their very bones. and i mean godfear is a problem in all denominations of christianity but i think this aspect of it is uniquely catholic, or maybe thats just because i was raised catholic and dont know other denominations’ take on the whole suicide thing.

and again i must stress this uniquely targets mentally ill people! because humanity-saving-suicides do not happen often but mentally ill people committing suicide is! so when catholics have such a heinous, unsympathetic, absolutely hostile view of mentally ill people, i just do not enjoy the idea of a CATHOLIC MENTAL HEALTH CLINIC. i do not trust that they are approaching their services in a truly compassionate way. it just sounds like yet another front where they can do a charity case and say oh look at us, we’re such good christians, helping our fellow human beings, by preventing them from doing SIN!!!! which is just NOT the way to approach healthcare!! you should want to help people because they are sick and suffering and deserve to feel better and recover! NOT because you view them as potential sinners and you’re trying to like, rehabilitate these sinners! its like, a missionary mindset, not an actual healthcare mindset, of viewing these people not as patients in need but as sinners. and maybe im projecting like maybe there are catholic mental health clinics that are able to separate religion and healthcare, but the idea is still just so fundamentally skeevy to me that i wouldnt trust any catholic based clinic

#brot posts #sorry. the counseling service on campus recommended me some people off campus since im graduating #and the one is catholic and i saw just that one word and was instantly like. oh hell no #and i told my therapist i was like. im not exactly comfortable with that #and she was like oh im sure they accept all denominations #and its like naur lol i was raised catholic its not like im protestant its that i was raised catholic and therefore i hate catholicism #i havent even touched my religious baggage w her yet lmao 😭😭 so i just left it at ‘im uncomfortable with it’ #long post #like lowkey this reminds me of the idea of christian based food pantries #just the way it preys on vulnerable people as a way to project christianity onto them #either as a conversion tactic or as a christian charity feel good scheme #its just so skeevy!! #my mindset is that if you happen to be christian and you genuinely want to do good. literally why do you have to bring religion into it #like you can easily just make a secular food pantry or a secular clinic #if you establish it with your religion in mind then obviously your religion is important to the organization’s entire existence #and therefore influences its practices and mission goals #and therefore influences the way you will interact with guests and patients . #and therefore: i dont trust it !!

[enopiv]

we had you for a little over a year. I watched you grow up, although you didn't grow very much, you will never get to watch me grow. when I first saw you, I couldn't see you properly, I was upset, and mad. I didn't want you. in the car, I held you in the box, while I held your brothers. the way you'd hop because of your toe less feet. the way you'd pick fights with everyone else in the flock. the bad days and the good days. the days where I almost killed myself. the days the people around me almost died. the days I couldn't get up. I feel like I passed that pain onto you. you loved cheese, sliced cheese and string cheese. the first day I got you, I sat with you and your brothers, and your sister. I fed you all worms I dug up myself. After a couple of days, your sister died.

the day I heard you crow for the first time, I realised I didn't know what you were. the days you'd chase me in the garden, running for food. the days you'd peck the others in the flock. the days you lived. truly, truly lived. I should have realised. you've changed so much in these past few days alone. you couldn't even keep your balance. you'd fall when you ate. you stopped eating, stopped drinking. winters cruel, but deaths even crueler. dad says he'll bury you and plant a tree you. yesterday, seeing you like taht scared me. scared me to the point I broke down crying and ran to my family. I yelled and cried. mum helped you recover. at night, she came in my room. you slept in the corner, surrounded by cardboard and old clothes. she came in and said 'without me, she would have died, isn't it?' in that very her voice of hers. and even though she's not the best mother. I love her. I thank her for helping you live one more day. but I curse myself, becuase I know you we

re in agonising pain. earlier today, you started doing the thing again. I didnt want to see it. she tried to help you warm up, she tried. but mum wasn't home, I know if she was, you would have helped. you just.... stopped moving. I didnt know. I came downstairs.

and they told me, they told me in such a happy tone. I wanted to euthanize you, put you out of your misery. but I knew, if I told anyone. they'd be angry at me. so I stayed quiet, and not even a day later, you died. now I know I'll never be able to hold you, call you Judy hops, come hold to see you on the window sill. is hold you, I should have known when I stopped seeing you on the window sill, when mum said you fell over while trying to eat, when you couldn't take care of yourself. the pouring rain over the past week hasn't helped. I yelled out. 'NO DONT DO THAT! PLEASE STOP IT.' when you did that while I was holding you. I freaked out, and put you on the grass. but you didn't stop. I picked you up and bent your neck and legs back into place. looking back on it, I don't believe it was real, how could that possibly happen. you didn't stop it though, I tried holding your beak, to keep your neck and legs in place, and I ran inside while I started to treat up. I ran into my room. 'HELP ME GODDAMN IT HELP.' I yelled, and I just started crying. I could see she was trying not to laugh at me, my mum was annoyed and my brother was concerned. when she say you do that, she started taking me seriously and panicked. mum warmed you up while scolding us. we checked up on you every hour or so. we fell asleep, in the morning, you were still alive. but now you're not. this weekend has been the worst. but I can't believe you were both of them, the chick that fought everyone, was so fast, and was the cutest, to the chick that couldn't eat. do you remember? in the park? do you remember the days we took you out. becuase I remember, I'll always remember. I'll remember you. and I know I'll have to go through this 7 more times, and ill have to watch the people around me die, but I'm not ready, I'm not ready for it. I wasn't ready for you to die

#grieving #grief #pet loss

[ieatsuffering]

‼️Ok so some obvious trigger warnings ahead‼️

❗️tw: Graphic depictions of suicide and death❗️

If you are struggling with this please seek help!

Suicide hotline: tel:[phone]

So the game plan is to have an Mc with poor mental health, express their su*icidal thoughts to the Li’s, then get found unconscious from an ob, with both a good and bad end! I can do this!

**Lmao I’ve tried writing this for so long but I ran into some major writers block so all I could get out was Asra and Julian**

Asra

He knows somethings wrong, he can feel it with your shared heart

You’re just not your self, random fits of crying, spacing out constantly, not eat, spending whole days just laying in bed staring at the ceiling. Even the things you once loved bring you no joy.

It tears him apart to see you like this, an empty shell of who you used to be

He tries so hard to help you, to cheer you up and care for you, but nothing helps

He can feel your pain

One morning he lays with you in bed as you stare into nothingness. “How are you feeling today Mc, do you want to go for walk?”

“Asra...” you start to speak not looking at him “... I want to die...”

His blood runs cold

“I’m sorry Mc, I don’t think I heard you right...”

“Life just feels pointless, I’m done”

He can’t swallow the lump in his throat, his pulse is in his ears. This must be a bad dream

“I’m so sorry Mc...” he cries, it’s all he can do. Just hold you and cry

After you two manage to calm down and have a long talk he’s determined to heal you

He’s nose deep in spell books, never leaving you side desperately searching for something that may help you

Slowly with his support you start to do better, crying less, moving around more. Things start to go back to normal

Or so he thought

One night while he’s out visiting Muriel he suddenly feels this deep blinding pain in his heart.

“Friend?” Faust ask

Asra blots back to shop shop with heart in his throat runnings as fast as he can tripping over his own feet

“Mc!” He call your name as he busts through the shop door

When you don’t answer he freezes

Not again gods please no not again

Slower now he makes his way to your shared bedroom

There he finds you still and motionless on the your bed purple faces with foam bubbling out of you mouth clutching an empty bottle

Asra good ending

With out even thinking he rushes to your side pressing an ear to you chest, he almost breaks down when he hears the slow faint beat of your heart

He’s not too late

Asra springs into action pouring all of his magic into the most potent healing spell he knows

You jolt up right vomiting the potion as the magic forces you to purge it from your system

Both you and Asra are weak and shaking as you lay together

You’re barley conscious but alive

Once again you’re under asras constent watch however this time instead of trying to help you himself he reaches out to Nadia and Julian

With their help he’s able to get you on a medication for you’re mental health

Slowly but surely you start to be your best self again

Asra bad end

With out even thinking he rushes to your side pressing an ear to you chest, but there’s nothing. You’re pulse has stopped

He’s to late

He just lays there hoping you’re heart will start again

He’s in shock

How could this happen again he lost so much to have you back

He just lays there with you as your body grows cold

Until Faust leads Muriel leads to him holding your corpse

He won’t let you go he can’t. If he lets go you’re truly gone forever

Faust finds Nadia and Julian, it takes all of them to separate Asra from you

They all sit in the floor and hold him as guards come and take your body away for burial

Nadia makes sure you have a grand funeral, that you and Asra get the goodbye you deserve

He keeps up a strong front but Muriel knows, he won’t let Asra out of his sight

Between Muriel, his parents, Faust, and your friends everyone takes turns making sure Asra is never alone, no one wants to loose him too

He never truly heals always looking for someway he can give what’s left of his heart to have you back

Julian

He may ignore his problems but he’s very sensitive to others emotions

Between his own experience with depression and working with soldiers, he’s very informed on mental illnesses. PTSD, general anxiety disorder, depression, substance abuse... he’s seen it all

Out of everyone he knows how to help you the best

He’s seen suicide on countless occasions, he knows to signs

You haven’t expressed your suicidal thoughts to him yet, you don’t have to

He’s already watching you like a hawk, constantly by your side. When he can’t be with you he has people he trust watch you.

Of course he doesn’t tell them why just that your feeling down and he’s worried about leaving you alone

On day while he’s working at the clinic he has you spend the day at the palace which is usually the safest place for you between Nadia and Portia

Today however the palace was in chaos. Portia was running around as Nadia is in and out of meetings. You’ll be fine for a few minutes right?

Julian’s face looses it color as he starts to panic when neither Portia or Nadia know where you are when he goes to bring you home

The look on his face is all they need to know that something is gravely wrong

Nadia orders everyone in the palace to search for you and Portia follows with Julian as he runs through the halls screaming your name

Mercedes and Malachoir run up to him howling and crying. Portia tried to chase them off but they nip and bark at julians coat trying to get him to follow

The dogs lead him to a locked pantry in the kitchen

Portia turns to fetch the keys but Julian throughs himself at the door until he breaks it open

There he finds you laying on the pantry floor in a pool of blood with a knife you had grabbed from the kitchen

Julian good ending

He switches in to war surgeon mode rushing to your side to assess the wound on your arm

In truth it was really a pool of blood, but your life was still in danger as the deep gouge on your arm continued to spout blood

He rips his jacket into strips and calls to Portia to bring him wooden spoons for a make shift tourniquet

He uses the rest for the strips as a bandage your arm

He shouts orders to the servants to starilize a room and to fetch the things he needs to mend your arm

Even after he has your arm stitches up and is certain you’re not in any immediate danger , he stays calm and vigilant

Like a machine he cleans your wound, changes your bandages, and makes sure you don’t develop a fever

It isn’t until you come to that he let’s himself break down

He throughs himself around you holding you tight

He cries and screams in agony but also in relief. Heartbroken and furious that you would try to leave him but relived that this time he was there to save you

After this he never really trusts to leave you alone even years after when you’re healed he’ll still get anxious if he doesn’t know where you are

Julian bad end

He goes into war surgeon mode rushing to your side

He can tell it’s to late, he’s seen enough people bleed out in his life to know how much blood is too much

But he won’t let himself believe it. He was too busy the first time you died to save you he couldn’t let it happen again. He couldn’t loose you again because he couldn’t be bothered to care for you

Despite it being a hopeless effort he applies pressure to the gushing wound as your body grows cold

“Come on darling please you can’t leave me”

His hand are shacking covered in your blood

“Nononononono...please.... PLEASE... MC NO DONT LEAVE ME!”

Portia knees to his side placing a gentle hand in his shoulder, “Ilyushka, she’s gone”

He lets out a chocked sob holding your stiff body covered in you blood

He manages to stay strong just long enough to attend your funeral

But the moment they put the last bit of dirt on your grave he’s a wreck

He spends all day in bed and all night wasted getting into fights hoping someone and one will put him out of his misery

One night after getting into a fight with an especially rowdy thug he gets his wish

#the arcana #the arcane game #the arcana hc #the arcana headcanons #julian x apprentice #the arcana julian devorak #the arcana julian #julian x mc #julian devorak #asra x mc #asra imagine #asra x reader #asra x apprentice #tw suicide

[ilysmxiao]

scarred palms | xiao x reader

summary : xiao had told you the story of the scars on the skin that showed, perhaps he was insecure of so, as he was shy to speak of such stories. as one wouldn’t expect, words shared amoungst humans were rarely ever original, though, it was the first he had ever heard such words . character(s) : xiao warnings : mentions of self harm. tho this is comfort !! a/n : came up w this and thought it would be nice !! pls send me some nice requests, rn i mainly write for zhongli, xiao, and kazuha -- though, i can try out other characters! i need to experiment w my writing pfft

            “ it’s the way you speak,                            forming words so easily.                                          i think of the way you think,                                                         it keeps me from falling asleep. “                                                   °· ꒰ა ♡ ໒꒱ ·°

it had been a rough night for xiao, after returning from a recent battle. he rest upon the roof of wangshu inn, settling under the stars that found their spot amongst the very place he protected. the calm, but very much alive atmosphere buzzled below -- the people finding their way back home after the small celebration they held, holding the hands of their lovers as they walked to their rooms.  the thought of love was one he despised, hating the human emotions that created a home in anothers heart -- though, at the same time, he knew that he, himself, had grown ill to such a particular thing.  the tiles shifted ever so slightly, as feet carefully scaled their way across them. it had become a normal thing to hear, at times at these, and the barer of who made those tiles shift was not unknown. it had become a normal routine, and to xiao, it was one he looked forward to on days such as these -- he would never admit to such, instead, hide his delighted heart from his lover when he felt the pressure of their head leaning against his shoulder, and the way they cautiously and lovingly they rubbed the back of his shoulder blades.  in all of xiaos years of guarding liyue, watching many people walk along the very land he protected, seeing many pleasing faces that he had shown no care for, he had never expected one to be the fault of the feelings he had never seemingly dealt with before. one to make him feel human, almost, showing him that any person, human or not, could learn to love. as if, that anything but humans felt that emotion, more or less understood it.  a question was not needed to know how the adepti was doing, nor did an answer need to suffice. after spending the time that they had with the male, seeing him come home with new scars and marks on his already tethered body, it was enough to understand how long those scars would stay with him.  resting a hand upon the fresh scars, you glance at xiao, who had trained his eyes on the abyss above the two. his hand shied away from yours, retreating to the home by his side.  “our scars hold meaning, yours show and hold such complicity that many would never understand -- sometimes, even i will never truly understand what you go through.” to this, xiao turned his ill gaze to his lover, curious of what else they had to say. though such words were often spoke amongst the morals he protected, he had yet to have one say such things to himself. never would he recover from his battles, his scars earning their place on the patches of skin he had, taunting him, but words of comfort from his lover would suffice and slowly take away the hurt that they held. “that takes away no meaning. no matter what you do, how many layers you wear to protect yourself from the blades colliding with your skin, you can not escape it. it is important to understand that, and while doing so, know that you can slowly heal from it.” you comfortingly reached towards xiaos hand, softly picking it up and bringing it to your lips. the feeling brought tingling sensations through his body, earning a slight shiver from so. “scars are horrible, but we all have some. they’re unavoidable. what matters is not how they were formed, but how we deal with it, and what we do from there on.” after letting go of the others hand, you raised yours slightly and brought to attention of the many that littered your own. it had been known to xiao that you had your own scars, but to his dismay and disappointment, he truly never understood how many you had. it made his heart sink, seeing how many of them were seemingly self inflicted -- he wondered why you would ever do such a thing to yourself, not understanding why mortals would hurt themselves, or how much could have lead themselves to the point to doing so. “whats the point in self loathing and wishing for better, if you won’t take steps in that direction? they’re apart of you, you can’t escape that, but you can give them meaning and make them worth seeing. my point is, you can’t hide it, don’t embrace them if you dont want to, but don’t let your scars define you. it’s a thing thats often said.., but as much as it is said, it still holds meaning. and you do not deserve to forever hold onto these things and only see them as bad, no matter where they are from, or how they were caused.” despite having multiple, loving occasions the both had shared that made their relationship ever so more beautiful, xiao felt himself grow even more attached to you, the coldness in his heart melting ever so slightly with each word you spoke. silence followed after the few words you spoke, making you begin to regret ever speaking up in the first place -- showing your vulnerable side, showcasing your own scars as if you had healed from them yourself.  “i’m sorry, i rambled on,” you admit, shame contorting your expression into a unsatisfied one.  though, unexpectantly, you felt a warmth engulf your body -- xiao replacing the cold breeze that comfortably sat between the gap. xiao had never been one to show his affection, finding small gestures more suitable for the feeling of love he had never fully understood. as days progressed, he began to find out more, finally beginning to realize that this what was love was. what was shown by mortals, the affection they gave each other on a day to day basis, it was only the surface; the surface being all that he knew, thinking it was just that. you had taught him that it was more than so, it was not just loving kisses and comforting hugs, it was the mutual understanding that no matter what happened, you would both be there for each other. to care for one another, to relic in the moments that would soon become history, and to cherish them as if there would be not another day to experience them. love was what you taught him, and until the day you left the day of the living, he would be sure to do what he could to show that -- even if all that he was capable of was muttering a small ‘i love you’, or giving you a hug if he could not find the correct words to show how much you meant to him. the grip he held on your shirt tightened, your arms intertwining with his to return the gesture. xiao nuzzled his face into your neck, eyes shutting tightly as he did so. a small smile formed on your lips, understanding that the other had appreciated what you said. “i love you,” xiao said quietly, breaking the small silence that had grown comfortable in the lap of your air. you could hear the slightly labored breathing escaping his lips, the warm air grazing your neck and dissipating each time he let another breath of air out. his warm body was pressed against your own, chest rising and falling until he soon calmed down. “i love you too, xiao.” in that moment, xiao’s repulsive and deprecating thoughts ceased, thinking of only you and the comfort you gave him. the silence from before returned, engulfing the area near, but this time, it was comfortable -- he could bask in your presence forever, especially in this moment. he couldn’t wish for anything better than you, in the life he had been given. although he was an adepti, prone to straying away from such putrid human feelings, he felt himself nearing acceptance of his want for such love to stay, more or less to stay beside him forevermore.  xiao was unable to be healed from the horrid fate at which he had been given, but little by little, he understood that not all was bad and he could one day learn not to hate it.

#xiao x reader #genshin xiao x reader #xiao x reader fluff #xiao x reader comfort #genshin imagine #genshin x reader #genshin impact #genshin xiao #genshin impact x reader #fluff #comfort #angst #genshin imagines

[rintarhue]

network love ✧ 025 / moon and stars

➪ MAIN MENU | PREVIOUS | EPILOGUE

Still as the night sky, Kenma stands by his balcony, adoring the scenery before him. The moon often looked lonely, but with the stars by its side, he knows that it will never be alone—even when another day has to come and the sun has to take its spot in the sky once again.

“I wish you were here.” His words linger in the air, longing laced in his tone. He swallows the lump in his throat; seemingly trying to swallow up the sobs that wish to come out. “Fuck - I wish you were here, Y/N.”

Two years ago, Kenma fell in love.

"Hiraku's amazing. You made them perfectly."

He believed, he loved, and he cried.

He believed in the words you uttered, completely entranced with your perspective of the world. He believed the definition you gave for love; how endearing it is, how sweet it is, and how beautiful it is. Though, you never really mentioned how much love can hurt so much—how love can be the cause of one’s wound and also be the medicine for it.

“You once told me how the impossible can happen,” he laughs softly, reminiscing the conversation you two had. “You - you told me it was because of magic,” a small smile follows. “And because of love.”

He shuts his eyes close but the image of you is imprinted on the back of his head.

“Magic has so many connotations in it, and for me, it’s seeing the glimmer in a person’s eyes. It’s seeing their smile… mhm… it’s seeing their smile and then you feel like it can go against the brightness of the sun. You know?”

“Is that why you’re always making the people around you laugh and smile?”

Kenma knew you always wanted to make the people around you happy, though, he never really knew why. He only understood why when he lost you. You wanted to make people remember you as someone who had a smile that can go against the brightness of the sun, someone who had the whole constellation in their eyes, someone who fought well. You wanted to be remembered as someone you always dreamed to be, not only as a person who had a pitiful fate.

“I just… I want you here with me, Y/N. Because of you, I’ve learned how feelings should be; that I shouldn’t suppress them, and instead, express them.” He allows himself to breathe, before continuing to speak. “I’ve learned how it feels to be free, to be truly happy, to love.”

He loved you. Well, he still loves you. How can he ever make the word ‘love’ in any tense, when it’s evident that the feelings he has are still present? That the only tense he can associate it to is the present, the future—and it never will be in the past. His love for you will never be covered in dirt and dust; but it’s quite ironic as what you two had was ephemeral, like dust in the wind.

“You showed me what magic was, what love was; and god, how I wish magic was real.” The coldness of the air kisses Kenma’s skin softly, as he shudders a bit. “Because if magic was real, I’d make sure that you’ll be here with me right now.”

He can still remember the first time he watched the moon and stars with you;

“When I’m gone, just look at the sky, okay?” Your words echo through his ears, “I’ll always be there - just look for the brightest star.”

But now, he watches it all alone.

“People are desperate for love,” the words sit familiar on his tongue. “I’m desperate for love. It’s bizarre how you changed my life, Y/N. Love has always been something hard for me to decipher, it has always been hard for me to be open to others. But, fuck - now I know how painful it is.”

He looked at the sky once again; and then decided to pick the brightest star peeking through his sight—he decided to name it after you. Even if you aren’t physically here anymore, the trace of you will remain; that even if another day has to come, he knows you’ll always be there for him.

The stars will always be there for the moon.

“I love you,”

The first droplet of tears fell from his eyes, and the sky mimicked his cry.

— GENNFEDNFNSSNBFD PAIN. FUCKING PAIN. IM SORRYE FNRNNRMFNNRNRNFNFNEMMSAMMMEMRMRMFMMFMFMFMFMMFMDMEMWMEMEW

— i hope you all can forgive me 🥲 but can i Just say that ... wow theres sm to unfold in this chap and i can geek about it 🥲 ill leave it to yall if u caught onto em 😫‼️

— also!!!! i wrote this in an hour bc i didnt have time last night and yest so pls dont fry me alive oki T__T THANK U SM I LOVE YOU ALL!!!!!

update: wtf its 12 am here LAWL GOOD MORNING!!!!!!!! 🔥🔥🔥

UPDATE 2: EPILOGUE TOM SCREAMS

taglist in the reblogs! <3

#haikyuu smau #haikyuu x reader #hq x reader #hq smau #kenma kozume #kenma kozume x you #kenma kozume x reader #kozume kenma #kozume kenma x you #kozume kenma x reader #kenma x y/n #kenma x you #kenma x reader #haikyuu angst #haikyuu fluff #haikyuu smau series #kenma imagine #haikyuu imagine #haikyuu social media au #hq #haikyuu