#and my brain keeps going in circles

[kyluxtrashpit]

Okay I need to talk about death and specifically pet death and that’s not a thing a lot of people like to talk about but with old cat’s time left being unknown, I’m trying to make decisions and. I thought I knew what I was going to do but I’m second guessing it now so. I’ll actually use a cut this time so read on if you like, don’t if you’d not

I’m trying to plan ahead as much as I can considering I don’t know what’s going to happen and when. I’m hoping I can get another month or two with her but we’ll see. But I want to know what I’m going to do beforehand regardless so I don’t need to make any decisions in the moment

Originally, I was deadset on having her euthanized at home. Because she really doesn’t like the vet and then I don’t have to drive home all emotional and it just seemed like a good idea for everyone. I still need to call the place that does that and ask some questions but. I’m having doubts now

Her last 2 vet appointments actually went really well and she wasn’t nearly as upset as before (probably cause of gabapentin but. Can’t see why I couldn’t do that if she’s dying anyway. But she didn’t even growl or hiss, she did SO much better. So maybe she doesn’t hate it as much anymore? I’m not sure). But I know the vet still isn’t a place she likes to be so. I was thinking at home would be best for her

But at the same time. If it happens in my home, whether in her bed or on the couch or wherever… am I going to be able to see that spot as anything other than the place where she died? Am I going to be able to see this apartment as anything other than the place where she died? Is it going to make it harder for me to move on? And how will it affect new cat? Would it be better or worse for him to literally see it happen? And would doing it at home even be less stressful for her, given that they do need to set up the catheter and everything to deliver the medication? Or would she be just as upset even though it’s at home? Perhaps even more upset, as it could feel like a betrayal, a violation of her safe little home that she never expected?

And am I selfish for thinking about my comfort and my ability to move on when it’s the last moments of her life? Or is that reasonable, given I’m the one who has to live on without her? She always knows when I’m not feeling well and she comes and purrs on me - she doesn’t like it when I’m sad or sick or whatever. Would she, if I could tell her, understand if I did it at the vet given that she’s had a great life? Animals often can tell when it’s going to happen - will she know, will she forgive me? Would she prefer it that way?

But I still feel guilty for even considering doing it at the vet because I feel like I’m doing it for me and not her, though in some ways it might be the same or even better for her too. And there’s just no way for me to know for sure. But she deserves the best possible send off I can give her. I just. I don’t know what that is. And I know I’m running out of time to decide. And it’s also possible the time will come very suddenly and I won’t be able to arrange for it at home regardless, and the decision might be made for me

I don’t know. I know this is a highly personal decision and no one can make it for me. But if anyone has dealt with having to put a cat that dislikes the vet to rest and has any thoughts to add, I’d love to hear them. Or just any thoughts from anyone. I thought I knew what I was doing but the longer I think, the less sure I am

#I just #I don’t know #and my brain keeps going in circles #I don’t know what’s better for her #and I don’t know what’s better for me #and I don’t know if thinking about what would be better for me is selfish or not #and even if it isn’t I fear I’ll feel guilty forever if I make the ‘wrong’ choice #ugh #I wish I could talk to her just once and ask her what she thinks #but I can’t and it’s all up to me and it’s so hard I just don’t know #any thoughts or considerations would be appreciated even though I know I have to decide for myself and that no one else can do it #text #misc #shut up nerd

[greghatecrimes]

well today I learned that "the normal amount of pain is zero" also means "the normal amount of discomfort is zero", and that it is not healthy or normal to constantly be in varying levels of discomfort, and oh my god it feels like someone just flipped my entire world upside down and shook everything around like a snowglobe and I think I need to actually go cry in the bathroom before my brain explodes

#personal #vent #anya shush #delete later potentially #my brain just keeps going around and around in confused circles #like i'm okay i'll be okay i'm not dying. it's just. wow #anya's house of whining #differential diagnosis

[whystuck]

Anyone else have “brain won’t shut up” disease?

#‘brain has something to say abt fucking everything’ disease? #‘brain can’t keep its thoughts to itself for 5 goddamn seconds’ disease? #hate the interplay of ocd and adhd it’s like my brain has 5 trains of thought at any given time and they’re all going in a goddamn circle #over and over until they crash into each other and another train comes in and runs over them #adhd #ocd

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#man ive never seen an eating disorder kill someone else besides a parent infecting a child but my nana is really trying #shes like 1000% orthotexic. will not eat anything not filled with vegetables or fat. and my grandpa is 87yo with a heart condition currentl #in the hospital for covid bc thry went to Christmas church and dont believe in being vaccinated and my dad is so frustrated #bc he knows his mom is not gonna give his dad hearty foods. he needs to eat like protein shakes and meat and ice cream. anything thats not #her cooking which sucks on top of being extremely healthy. except its not healthy bc they dont eat a balanced diet #so its my nanas eating disorder killing her husband and shes so fucking frustrating. im like 99% sure she has obsessive compulsive #personally disorder bc she fits to a T and has zero insight. she may have full on 0cd bc talking to my dad he has more obvious 0cd #compulsions than i do. he used to say phrases before going to bed and would take 2 steps across the floor to prevent bad things from #happening. so like im pretty sure my nana is where i get my perfectionism and 0cd. god. i wish i could express how fucked up she is #like my dad said at least he had a stable home to grow up in but like she has zero sympathy for other people. cannot look past herself. wil #not wear a mask bc she doesnt care enough abt other ppl. my dad was like: u would not have survived in that house. which is fair bc i am #barely keeping it together coming from a stable home with two sympathetic parents who i know love me #and like its sad that they're suffering the effects of buying into the fox news bullshit and its killing them #but also. genuinely. i think theyre not very good ppl. theyre the type of people who think they're better bc they're religious. white. and #thin. and theyre not better thsn anyone. their grandchildren cant stand them. well cant stand her at least. papa is just quite so its hard #to say what hes thinking. apparently he was confused last night and saying something about eating dinner on the golf course. which sounds #nicer thsn being in the hospital lol. ugh. he seems not long for this world tbh. may he pass peacefully to b with his 1st wife who died of #brain cancer at age like 20 or something. so it goes. bleh. how many funerals are intended for me in the next 5 years? hopefully none but #that seems improbable with the unspoken drain circling that seems to b going on in this family. old age and like almost 10 years of cancer #defying the stats but for how much longer? #i dunno. its just so weird to watch these things happen and not talk about it directly to the other ppl who see it #i worry that ill come off as too callose or inappropriate bc i have that tendency when something bad is happening but thats everyone else #excuse? idk i just feel like its better to talk abt things #unrelated #ed mention #i tell u this so i can say these things to someone and also bc if i were u. i would like to hear the drama #bc im nosey and i assume other r too ;-]

[moe-broey]

Fuck it my brain feels super clogged so I'm posting my agenda with little to no context + one doodle idk if I'll color but I kinda want to but I kinda don't LMFAO

(wips I'm hoping to return to ect ect, just a few snippets from a larger Thing)

#fire emblem #UPSETTING. not enough room in my brain for the sheer amount of guys and things. #seriously i feel so overwhelmed jumping from one ip to the next like i had this whole kick where i was about to #go SUPER hard into sumo again and mashing them together w paldea bc i had so many ideas and concepts #but then engage and then a very brief thought about genshin very fleeting and then. pokemon mystery dungeon. #god i was SO feverishly like deeply into pmd again and drawing my oc from when i was 12 and making loose gijinkas #all the while i feel like i've abandoned my boy. and girl. askr siblings...... i miss them #(<- thinks about them every day) #i feel like i'm running in circles chasing my own tail like desperately trying to latch onto anything that can keep my attention #but i am so so soooooooo distracted all of the time amd i have evil boredom syndrome. #i also just keep getting to a point in my art stuff where??? i'm just stuck???? i can't continue???? it's ALL i can think about #but no amount of thinking and looking at it and trying to write it out will actually get me anywhere. AUGH #exploding myself with my mind. so much hatred in the world. #anyways takumi alcyst friendship heroes i'm begging you to make them interact. i think they could be SO funny together #fe takumi #alcryst #my art #wips

[theygender]

Tbh as an autistic person who's in the top percentiles on some measures of intelligence and in the bottom percentiles on other measures of intelligence I often feel like I'm living my life like that one SpongeBob scene where he makes a circle by drawing an incredibly detailed portrait and erasing lines until only the outline is left. I rank pretty high up on vocabulary and my brain always defaults to Big Words, but I don't want to sound pretentious or make it hard for other people to understand me so I have to actively work to mentally convert into smaller synonyms as I'm talking/typing, which means I start off with the type of obtuse language you would read in a research paper or some shit and then I have to intentionally put in More Effort just to sound normal. And if my brain is too tired to make connections appropriately then sometimes I can't even remember synonyms like "bad" and I end up having to stick with malicious or malevolent or smth in a simple shitpost, which is basically like I'm trying to draw a circle and my brain just tells me "sorry buddy best I can do is the portrait" 😭 help

#currently having to put in a lot of work at my job to learn how to do meeting summaries better #bc i tend to be WAY over-thorough in documenting things and i put so much detail in that its way too long for anyone to actually read #and you would not believe how much effort it takes me to write FEWER notes #bc for me writing fewer notes doesnt mean i can just write fewer notes #it means i have to write the exact same amount of notes and then go back through each individual piece of info #to decide whether its something i can remove or something i should leave in #and whether/how i can shorten the notes that i AM keeping in #like. it really sucks actually. i dont like that my brain defaults to the portrait and then i have to put a bunch of effort into undoing it #bc like my work didnt ASK me for portraits. they asked me for circles #and i wish i could just fucking draw a circle up front to save myself the trouble 😮‍💨 #maybe with more practice #rambling

[akkivee]

‘this bond will last for eternity. i won’t tolerate betrayals or running away.’

——

so speaking of kuukou probably has attachment issues in the form of being too attached, he has this arb line lmao

i revisited the kiyohime legend, and in some iterations of the legend, she specifically turns into a dragon of rage after she tried to cross a river and died to follow someone she loved who promised her he’d stay by her side, but only did so in order to escape her. makes me think this legend really is kuukou’s blueprint lol 🤔

#vee queued to fill the void #my brain has so much going on about kuukou lol if it feels like i’ve been talking in circles you’re right!!!!! #i’m circling around a kuukou topic i have so many bits and pieces to but can’t concretely piece them together so i’m super focused on it lo #like point of interest for this thought are: #kuukou relating to the mc in arb main story because his mentor left without a word #and maybe not so oddly enough but kuukou consoling hitoya to let the anger go #like yeah arb isn’t canon but it’s a story based on what canon has to offer #which means kuukou again relates to people who’ve been left behind because it’s core to his character (despite him not talking about it lol #it’s been a VERY long while since i said kuukou sometimes doesn’t put the money where his mouth is lol #but i wonder if him preaching to hitoya to move on is contradictory to what he’s keeping to himself #mr ‘you’re not allowed to leave me or betray me we are forever’ lol #is bat’s brand of codependency about to fck me up lmao #this looks like a festering sadness and anger towards someone that deeply hurt him by leaving and refuses to go thru it again #lol kinda relatedly i am so amused that kuukou’s fursona might be because he vibed with a story of an angry lady’s lovesickness #kuukou looked at this angry dragon lady and said kin LMAO #c: kuukou👑

[you-will-return]

---

#sorry for being so afk recently #it probably won't change #i haven't had a calm moment since mid-December and it's starting to gnaw at my brain #and now the only irl place where I felt somewhat happy is falling apart bc of in-group-politics #it's so annoying #can't we just all breathe for a second? #can't everyone stop being passive aggressive assholes to each other for FIVE FUCKING MINUTES? #i don't want to pick sides #i don't want this stupid group to break apart #something has been feeling off since October and last week my friend and I finally put our finger on it #and BOY figuring it out has.not.helped. #meanwhile all I've been doing has been watching old races from the 90s #bc the only thing that makes my brain shut up at the moment is cars going vroom in a circle for 1.5hrs apparently #every irl interaction atm feels like walking on egg shells #and the only thing that's stopping me from crying every time i get home is just keeping myself busy and not thinking abt my life ever #anyway my insurance has blocked me from therapy for the next 3 years so that's great #.....i don't want to come on here and just complain but nothing has been going right recently. #maybe i'll be back to normal eventually but not at the moment #not for a while

[lettucedloophole]

hi apologies if youve alr made a post abt this (if u have, then maybe u can add a link to that specific post?) but i just wanted to ask for ur perspective bc this is smth i keep getting hung up on and i rlly only trust u to answer:

why would abolishing gender be harmful to trans ppl if transphobia stems from emphasis on traditional gender roles, and the abolishment would further their focus on relieving dysphoria thru physical sex change instead of relieving it by having to conform to sociological femininity and masculinity as a means to adapt in this patriarchal society?

thank you for taking the time to read and answer this <3

no worries! i haven't made a post about this before since no one's asked, but i'll answer it right here for you.

the answer is, it wouldn't be harmful. abolishing gender would ultimately be the best for everyone, but especially lgbt people & women. however... the contextualization of this point is what makes or breaks it. let me explain--

trans people have a negative reaction when people discuss abolishing gender not only for the same reason cis people might (a kneejerk reaction to protect the status quo), but also for the very valid reason of wanting to defend transness in a transphobic society. it's the same reason why some gay people will react negatively to the fact that homosexuality is a social construct, and therefore cannot be innate; most people use this argument to justify homophobia & patriarchy.

the thing is, to abolish gender, sex must also be abolished as it's the primary method of naturalizing gender. sex is a social construct-- it's not natural. however, terfs and any garden variety conservative will reify gender through the naturalization of sex. they'll say, "cis women and men are natural, but trans people aren't. therefore, they must be eliminated." similarly, "heterosexual people are natural, but gay and bi people aren't. therefore, they must be eliminated." eliminated can mean killed or, forcibly dissolved into the "natural" categories via bullshit self-loathing propaganda.

a really easy way to understand why this is so upsetting to trans people is just comparing their situation to gay people or women's, really, as they are so similar. if you walked up being like "wow i cant wait for gays to be abolished<3" ofc people will assume you mean it in a homophobic sense rather than a complicated, radical feminist sense, and if you're focusing on the abolition of minority groups in particular, it does likely stem from bigotry. not saying that you've said anything like that lol, but those examples are the best way i can illustrate the point.

also, everyone on the internet hates radical feminism, so regardless of how eloquently you explain your point & how sensible it is, if you associate it with radical feminism people will ignore what you say, misinterpret you so severely that it seems deliberate but could very well be internet stupidity, and also throw tomatos at you. 😭 radfems, matfems & a handful of marxist, anarchist, intersectional fems + womanists are the only ones i trust to not be covert antifeminists.

last p.s.: we don't know what a society outside of patriarchy looks like. assuming people will continue getting sex changes assumes the existence of a natural sex binary, though it's possible people may change "sex" characteristics as they please. trans people's issue is not only being forced into gender roles, but a hatred of transness which puts them into a catch-22 regarding survival under patriarchy-- they're "reifying patriarchy" if they transition, but plagued with dysphoria, martyrs to a post-patriarchal world centuries away from us if they don't. perhaps, a similar scenario would be if you told a gay or straight person to simply see people as gender/sexless and to experience attraction, to give affection as though we lived in a post-patriarchal society-- it just wouldn't be possible, and for the gay person who is particularly vulnerable under patriarchy, it would more likely be traumatizing. dworkin put it so succintly in woman hating...

i hope that wasn't too repetitive or long, i just wanted to be thorough. admittedly, this is kind of a loaded answer if you aren't familiar with sex as a social construct, so if you have anymore questions, feel free to ask!

#trans inclusive radical feminism #radical feminism #asks #ex-terf #ex terf #tirf #trans inclusive radfem #sex abolition #gender abolition #transphobia #i love to quote Dworkin Quote which expresses everything i wanted to say but shorter and better lmao #i am obsessed with this quote istg. but i also am with many other dworkin quotes and her in general... #her succinctness is truly something to be envied. i simply keep on rambling and talking in circles forever #i was gonna make a joke about how dworkin wouldnt mind because mackinnon was also quite long winded loll #but mackinnon is succint she just also uses a lot of big words that makes it seem . longer 😭😭😭 #reading mackinnon is kind of like when you put your tickets into the chuck e cheese ticket eater guy machine #because thats how my brain sounds like when i read mackinnon its a lot to process #very good but i am going to need some time and a dictionary to digest this #perhaps this is why i prefer dworkin and hooks-- the accessibility of them managed without blunting their incisiveness & insight

[taikatis]

(There is a silent "like you")

I thought too hard about the unicorn and subject 2. Now I'm convinced the unicorn (who I'm calling Cinnabar for now) and primo Albedo both failed at whatever Rhine wanted them to do and THAT'S why he was fed to Durin.

Design notes on the unicorn:

Irminsul branch horn since alchemy and irminsul have a lot of connections.

Cinnabar being specifically white is most likely points to him being some kind of precursor to Albedo, with Albedo (the alchemy stage) always being represented with white.

#how do i even tag this #lack of Dainsleif and albedo making me make shit up #albedo #Cinnabar #subject 2 #primordial albedo #(have not decided on a name for him. my brain keeps going in circles)

[fitzselfships]

I wanted to work on a video today but. Ough. Strawberry Mouse. I love her so much I can't stop thinking about her SHE'S SO CUTE LOOK AT HER 🥺

#I LOVE HER I LOVE WOMEN RUNS ARPUND IN A CIRCLE #she's so cute I'm going to lose my mind #my butch4femme brain is going crazy right now I NEED to kiss her so bad #I need to work on this video but I keep getting distracted I just want to look at picture of strawberry mouse all day

[deltastorm101]

#how is it that i trust way too fast but also... never fully #this just in. life fucks you in various ways #my brain keeps going too fast. all the time #all this thinking all this brooding i'm going in circles #i had it under control for so long why is it happening again #personal #i want this song to be the first one i can fully play on drums start to finish

[mechahero]

//hlep

#//went and frankensteined a couple of doll images together bc i've had this idea in mind for the longest time now #//turns out i might have misremembered dolls having different heights to each other outside of your typical boy and girl doll- #//-height disparity. so his doll would be the same height as the rest of the ghouls lol #//went and swiped those littler eyelashes from spider's redesign that still lives in my brain #//if it looks kind of sloppy or off. it's supposed to! it's a messy mockup so it doesn't have to look nice #//went with a cleo head bc it kind of has almond shaped eyes? or at least they're the closest to lambda's eye shape #//giving him cat.ty's head would be to cut down on costs fhnjgng #//his face print would and should keep the dark circles he's got going on and his big bushy brows #//idk old hyperfixation on main idk what else to say #backup log {ooc} #//not putting it in art bc i don't think it belongs there

[demodraws0606]

I'm unfortunatly gonna take a step away from Tumblr until the conceivable future

I really can't do posting on social media, it has constantly made me relapse and as long as I don't go and have help getting rid of the root of all my breakdowns I'm gonna keep relapsing because of it.

I'll still keep the blog up but I really cannot keep going like this unfortunatly.

#chronically online person realises social media and hyperfixations has rotted their brain into mush #not feeling particularly good about ymself but yeah #i've reached my limit I can't just go and keep running in circles #it just makes me look like a petulant child #tw/vent

[ezraphobicsoup]

need to stop talking to myself in german

#i don’t know enough words so i just go round in circles after a certain point #it is fun for a bit but also my brain keeps trying to think in german when im just doing normal things #fuck im gonna have to find some kinda german course or tutor aren’t i i can’t put this much effort in and just leave it behind next year #ezra’s real life rambles

[monty-glasses-roxy]

The Ruined pizzaplex is steeped in death and disrepair, it’s almost to the point that when the others are finally Meteor-ed, they don’t even know if they’ll survive escaping the damn place. None of them know, it’s a death trap. I don’t even think some of them expected to live for long after they escaped

But then they do, and they’re in a completely unfamiliar world that’s saturated with life and it’s unlike anything they’ve ever been exposed to before. Fazent always carried that touch of death, yknow? They never knew any different.

But then they claw their way into the light and someone is wrapping a blanket around their shoulders and giving them a bottle of water and asking if they’re ok because they must’ve just been Changed, they look so disoriented, and they don’t know what to do.

But they have each other, they’re *alive* again. The scars will never go away, but they have each other, and they desperately hope that’s enough.

YOU COME INTO MY HOUSE-

Fsdfsdf nah though you're on the right lines with this... may I offer...

The Plex is dead. It's stagnant, forever unchanging and is left to rot like all the other bodies under the floorboards. Those that remain are rotting and hurt, discarded like broken and unwanted toys and abandoned in the ruins of what is the only world, the only home they've ever known.

... But it's not dead.

How can it be? They're still there. They're still alive.

And like a phoenix rising from the ashes, they'll realise that for themselves and start laying the kindle for their fire.

#GFDSDFS #didn't know whether to leave it at a funny joke or try and like. give you something here #what I'm saying here is that my brain is making complicated metaphors for a story it hasn't actually finished cooking yet lmao #i dunno the concept of life and death is probably gonna be pretty crucial here #it's just different to them and it always has been so what makes something dead or alive is... #well I can already think of like. at least four examples off the top of my head where this would be relevant #nah the intricacies and the layers of what I want are all here for the most part so I just gotta like. weave the rest of the story together #with it's characters and their choices and the lives they are leading #I'm spinning in circles on meanings and shit cause my brain is buzzing like a hive of bees over the fucking #LAYERS of a HUGE plot thing that will be part of the major resolution at the end #it's like a god damn wedding cake or I dunno #onions?? #maybe onions given if I do it right it WILL cause some tears lmao #nah though we'll see how this plays out #I'm most likely overcomplicating and at some point I'll just grab the threads and pull the stupid brain knots out for this lmao #but nah what I'm going for IS complicated cause I've never tried an approach like this before so like #it's keeping my brain chugging for realsies #meteors au #pop rox answers