#and not in my vagina thanks

[bjurnberg]

Guess which oblivious asexual virgin just accidentally bought her first vibrator?

This guy. *points both thumbs at my beet red face*

I got my tax return and wanted to buy a couple things for personal comfort before all the money goes into car repairs. Specifically I’ve wanted one of those hang-over-your-chair back massage things for my computer chair, and figured I could also find a cheap handheld massage gun to get rid of those stress knots that live rent free in my shoulder blades when I’m away from my desk.

So what do I do? I do an internet search for “handheld massage gun” and read through a dozen products and reviews. And APPARENTLY my mind is so far removed from sexual thoughts that nothing pinged on the mental radar that this was anything besides a massage gun to relieve muscle stress. (There were several very obvious vibrators and dildos that popped up in the search that I ignored and filtered out of the search, but the one I bought was this)

Product title: Handheld massager.

Product description: “Rechargeable personal hand held deep tissue vibrating massager for muscles, back, foot, neck. Cordless electric percussion body massage gift for women.”

IT SAYS NOTHING ABOUT THIS BEING A SEX TOY. IT SAYS BACK FOOT AND NECK. NOTHING ABOUT GENITALS AND ORGASMS. I truly thought the “for women” was because the handle was pink. Figured I’d be paying the pink tax because it’s a cute color and I like cute things.

But soon as I open the brown box it got mailed in, I see this on the actual product packaging:

And the truth hits me like a cement truck.

What the fuck. I don’t wanna fuck. Why did they send me this fuck machine? Well fuck me I guess (but don’t really) because I must have been shipped the wrong thing and now have to return this and file a complaint to get the thing I wanted.

But no. The product number is the same. This is what I paid for.

Do allosexual people use their vibrators as massage guns for other parts of their body? I’ve never heard of that. But I also don’t follow conversations about sex toys. Because I don’t care and it kinda squicks me. Why wouldn’t the product description be clear about what this is? Why trick this poor asexual by claiming it’s a handheld back massager? (I mean, I guess technically it can be used on any part of the body I wish, but why? Why? Why market it this way?)

I have “Ace Until Proven Guilty” in my bio as a joke because too many people equate asexuality with innocence and infantilize us regardless of whether we’re sex-positive, -negative, or -neutral. I’m all for people using any sex toy they want but it’s not my thing so WHY WOULDN’T THEY STATE WHAT IT IS IN THE SALES PITCH instead of misleading me, a person who hasn’t seen a large variety of vibrators and wouldn’t recognize one on sight?

Guess I’ve been Proven Ace once again.

(It’s okay to laugh at me. This is kinda funny. If annoying.)

#honestly all my embarrassment and anger are already gone #and I’m just sitting here rolling my eyes #why? #just why? #I don’t understand why they would market it this way #acespec #ace #asexual #sex repulsed #you do you if you want #but I don’t wanna do me #I just want a massage #and not in my vagina thanks #bjurnberg

[l3irdl3rain]

Got home late last night after working at my evening job. Kenny had left a little surprise for me in my bed

#first of all ignore the blood stain. I did not always have a mattress protector and Vaginas be doing that sometimes #second of all thank god for waterproof mattress protectors #third: from now on my bedroom door stays shut unless I am in there actively doing so #*doing something #and last: we are gonna try a different anxiolytic for Kenny #my post #Kenny #Arthur

[slutauthority]

thinking bout how 2 yrs ago I put my pronouns in my email signature at work and was v nonchalant about it and one of my coworkers approached me at my desk while my other coworkers were standing right there and started scolding me and telling me I’m not allowed to express “personal opinions” in an email signature and kept telling me I was gonna get in trouble and I was like??? They are…pronouns?? It’s not even an….opinion? Everyone….uses pronouns??

Flash forward to now, and pretty much all the attorneys now have their pronouns in their email signature just cause

#I didn’t even tell anyone they should be doing I just did it lmao #and also when my boss found out she confronted me about it he was like??? we didn’t even notice why would we care #it was such a non issue #tho this is the same place where a different coworker asked me if I was bisexual cause it was the new thing for 2020 #and another one asked me how I decide between a dick or a vagina #they’re gone tho thank Christ

[ozarkthedog]

Ozzie please bear with me as it is probably a fever dream from the flu and binge watching Yellowstone, but I dreamed about Cowboy/Rancher!Joel last night. I don’t remember much of it, but he did brand me with a JM and told me if I ever ran away that whoever took me in would just return me straight to him.

dark cowboy!joel miller you say...

#this was just what i needed today like from the bottom my vagina thank you #thank you for sharing your fever dream with me #i hope you're feeling better!! #ozzie responds #cowboy!joel miller

[marias-wonderland]

Clarice: you brought flowers? I guess i’ll have to spread my legs

Hannibal: why? You dont have a vase?

Why can I actually picture this scenario folding out??

*Clarice in her nightgown, wearing nothing underneath*

"Oh nooo, where should I place these delicate and charming little things?"

*Hannibal, being the blown out idiot he is*

"I think a vase would be an appropriate place? even a big glass of water can suff-"

*she is now naked and on the floor*

"If only I could place them somewhere in me, so I could carry them to remind me of your big love for me"

#i hope they fucked afterwards #because im certain hannibal would sit by her side and explain to her the dangers of shoving flora up your vagina #no sex or anything #just science #clarice starling #hannibal #hannibal lecter #hannibal x clarice #clannibal #my asks #thanks for asking!

[theb0nesofmymind]

My mom just had a colonoscopy done and she left the pictures from the inside of her anus on the kitchen counter so if u need me I’ll be traumatized thank u

#not rlly #I worked in healthcare for 4+ yrs #and watched one of my brothers literally fall out of her vagina #but still #could have gone the rest of my life without seeing that #thanks mom

[that-puppy-trainer]

Royal + Teal! (for the ask game~)

Royal: What’s your favourite position?

oh man... questions that have me googling 'sex positions'... cowgirl is really great but truly I adore missionary and seeing how I make sweet pets fall apart.

Teal: Where was the strangest place you ever had sex?

ohohoho on a sailboat and yeah it ruled (watch your head though)

#andrew answers #ask game #thanks for the ask!! #*puts my hand on your shoulder* i think the sex positions we know and talk about are too focussed on penis in vagina sex #and the fucked up transgender sex I have does not often fit into these positions #im sure we all agree #<3 #6

[blodeuweddschild]

Wow. Hazbin hotel is. Um. Absolutely terrible I hate this

#1. charcater design no thanks #2. why is she called vagina #3. what is with the constant fucking sound affects that don’t make any sense #4. this is trying so so soooo hard to be edgy #5. getting big homophobia vibes in the first 5 minutes #6. terrible set up to hell. I can’t put my finger on it yet but there’s something skeeving me out about it #also I’m definitely not the expert so tell me if I’m wrong #but I’ve heard using Lilith is cultural appropriation from Judaism

[pinkspiraling]

she was so nice and it was so quick and not bad at all

#she said everything looked good and i was like thank god #secret fear that my vagina is Not Right….debunked #pink never shuts up

[loveshotzz]

Me remembering when Joseph Quinn said he’d love a role in Succession.

Now I need to see him as a cut throat, dirty mouthed asshole in an expensive suit.

PLEASE HBO MAKE MY DREAMS COME TRUE.

#succession #joseph quinn #please #my vagina would thank you #or someone write me a fic please anything

[necromancy-savant]

Who remembers the time in my first year back at college at a new school when, in my first ever Linguistics class, my professor asked me to research alternative terms for "penis" on Urban Dictionary?

@memey-dreams

#tagging my friend whom I met in that class hopefully he's still on here and remembers this assignment #I know he remembers our first day where the professor spoke all Romanian to us for an hour and gave us a Romanian lesson #I felt so smart that day ngl bc I clocked it in half a second #I was like this is a Romance language that looks kind of Slavic: must be Romanian #we all were speaking it really well though if I do say so myself #and with no instruction in English whatsoever #and then he came clean lol #oh anyway the conclusion of this story is that he had said specifically he would only give the word penis to guys and vagina to girls #and frankly he was making a lot of assumptions about my body and also my comfort level and so I begged #please don't make me look up penis on Urban Dictionary I already know where this is going #and he said ok why don't do meth instead? and I said yay thank you! :D #so the next class nobody else did meth though so I got put with a group doing weed and I named like 6 slang terms for weed #off the top of my head that I've heard people say all the time that they didn't already even have on their lists

[pebblezone]

Idk how welcome home has overrun literally all of my social media but I guess I welcome it

#talkingcore #I love puppets it’s all on me I’m engaging this actually isn’t a complaint more like a I Didn’t Know This Existed 24 hours ago #and now it’s literally all I’m seeing like 80% of the videos I’ve seen today have been welcome home which like honestly is super impressive #hell yeah to those creators they’ve got some insane drive #album adventure update: finally rolled good ol honorary Beach boy Glen Campbell maybe I’ll give you guys ram ranch #pip would’ve loved ram ranch 💔 rip king fly high 🕊️🧍‍♂️ 18 naked cowboys 😭 at the ram ranch 😰 #I’ve been fucking around with lip syncing shit and it’s tedious as hell but heeehee it’s fun woooah the mouth moves wooooahaaahhhhhh #also this dude keeps leaving his Apple Watch in the practice room in my dorm and like thankfully I’m such an amazing and perfect person #that I didn’t take it the first time but the second time (like 2 weeks later) I said fuck it and just used it while it was still in there #(I’d checked at 2. saw it was there. didn’t use it. came back at 5 it was still there so like a reasonable amount of time to get it) #so I fucked around as normal but like I started getting freaked by the possibility of it listening (it probs wasn’t) #so I left but like bro how do you forget it twice why are you taking it off #I gave it to the help desk people which I think was the right thing to do but also Dude think how easily I could’ve stolen it please keep it #no longer dying of the plague but I need to hang onto my t boy swag pleasepleaseplease let me keep at least some lower notes #I will accept not hitting a G2 again but like. a C3? even just a D3 like regularly? please? please? please? hello? you’re nothing #anyway I’m avoiding my work you guys should look up The Beach Boys and Charles Manson have a gander at that for fun #thanks to my lovely institution having a strike going on by mid Thursday I’m done for the week which means I get to indulge and boy shall I #love you 🫶 go slay 🫶 have great vagina 🫶 byeeee

[lolexjpg]

me having a panic attack every time i send a mychart message for yeast infection medication bc i'm terrified he's gonna ask me to come in to get a swab (this never happens bc my pcp has the most perfect case of not-giving-a-fuck-itis)

#thank u sir 🫡 #she speaks #ptsd gang #i cannot emphasize enough how important staying away from doctors offices is for my mental health #ESPECIALLY no doctors in my vagina ever again. thx