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angrylesbianstereotype · 2 years

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With the way Walt wasted no time to start abusing Jesse as soon as they partnered up, and considering Walt treats Jesse like he's his son AND his wife... Do you think this means Walt had been bursting at the seams to abuse his real son and real wife this whole time, and only with Jesse did he have a chance to do so?

*Pushes glasses up on nose as though I am a respected scholar in a legitimate field of study* Ok so I hate to answer a compelling question with a kind of roundabout, not at all concrete answer but here goes: Walter wants to do whatever Walter wants to do, in the moment, without having to concern himself with that pesky, pedestrian little irritant known as ye olde consequences. He’s your basic old white fart who, because he grew up with the oxymoron of the white man as a vehicle for both exceptionalism and the Everyman, believes that consequences should not apply to him, and feels that he has been hard done by because, shocker, his stagnancy prior to the beginning of the series hasn’t resulted in everything he ever wanted falling into his lap! He does abuse both Skyler and Flynn over the course of the series, the assault on Skyler in season two being the most overtly violent of these instances, though it is heavily implied in season five that this isn’t even a one time occurrence; “I can’t even keep you out of my bed!” It’s also in season two that he peer pressures his teenage son into drinking to excess to gain the upper hand in his one-sided pissing contest with Hank, and this mirrors the ways in which he flexes his control over Jesse in front of Gus and Mike. Walter is dangerous precisely because he doesn’t view himself as an abuser, it’s not like he wistfully daydreams about slouching around the house in a wifebeater, terrorizing his wife and kids until they walk on eggshells around him. In fact, he’s shown throughout the series to act like a little pissbaby throwing a little pissbaby tantrum whenever he’s treated by his family like the monster he is. He wants to be able to act on his anger, to rape his wife and bully his son, without being subject to any of the organic repercussions these actions would inevitably induce. He doesn’t want to play the part of the mild-mannered family man anymore, or put in any of the work required to keep up that front, but he still wants to be seen as the provider and benevolent patriarch. He wants to have his fucking cake and eat it to.

That’s where Jesse comes in.

Walter loves Jesse, he does. The problem was never that he didn’t love Jesse, it was why he loved Jesse. Walter loves Jesse more than Flynn, that much was confirmed by Vince in a quote I can’t find anymore for the fucking life of me so you’ll just have to take my word for it ig. Walter might even love Jesse more than Skyler. But he doesn’t love Jesse as a person so much as a conduit, as an indispensable resource. It’s pretty vital, actually, that the person Walter projects all his shit onto isn’t a part of his immediate family, because then Jesse can be whatever he wants him to be. It’s great for Walter that Jesse’s a junkie, because then, according to societal norms, he doesn’t have to see Jesse as human when he’s taking out all of his anger on him. When Jesse isn’t being malleable enough for his liking, or even if Walt’s mad about something else entirely, then Jesse’s just a junkie, a nobody, an ungrateful, petulant fuck-up. When Walter is being rightfully shut out by his family or needs Jesse for some material task, then Jesse is practically family to him. They’re partners. It’s a terrible burden to put on an impressionable 24-year-old, a pretty fucking shitty thing to do to someone who trusts you, more than they should, and an impossible exception to live up to, to be someone’s everything.

So when Jesse inevitably fails at it, inevitably falls short of this perfectly imperfect idealization of himself, he is punished, horribly.

Walter never would have done the things he did to Jesse to Flynn, or to Skyler.

He doesn’t love them as much.

#i love being dramatic being dramatic is my jesse #i could literally go on but i just wrote a whole academic thesis so #breaking bad #brba #jesse pinkman #skyler white #flynn white #anti walter white #walter white hate blog #fun fact this is edited bc i mistakenly put jesse’s age as 23 not 24 #bc I’M 23 #i kin him so bad it makes me look stupid #tw sa mention

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deathlined · 2 years

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DO REVENGE WITH ASHLEY GRAHAM, FEATURING @fortrauma AS LEON KENNEDY: you know you don’t have to be brave with me.

it’s impossible to be sneaky in this family. she knows it, knows it to be an infallible fact, and still tries to push the boundaries. today it’s sneaking into the kitchen to get a glass of water, tomorrow it’ll be trying to disappear in an effort to hide away from the rest of existence until she’s comfortable with being perceived by others again. the days are hard; she’s still getting used to being a normal person again ( as normal as being the first daughter can be ). the routine helps. while she may hate certain aspects of the day-to-day, like having to tell a stranger with the right clearance who will never understand the horrors she’s endured to this point the details of what happened in europe knowing that the most she’ll get is some canned advice on journaling, the repetition of things is nice. she doesn’t have to think, doesn’t have to try, just has to be.

it’s the nights that are significantly harder. her bed is too soft, her room is too quiet — she feels as though she’s choking on the breath she’s been holding all day. she can’t fall asleep without going back to that place — cold walls, heavy air, a crawling beneath her skin she can’t shake. tonight is the same old song. her hands shake as she opens the kitchen cabinet and she nearly jumps out of her skin when the light flickers on, calming only when she sees a familiar and comforting space. leon kennedy is more than hired protection and her father’s right-hand man these days; even in walking on eggshells, she can relax in this small semblance of safety.

and now, as she sits, sipping her water in the false hope that it’ll actually do something, she can feel some walls stripping down. ❛ I’m not being brave. I’m exhausted. ❜ no forced smile, no mild-mannered words, no everything is fine façade. you can’t con someone who went through the same thing, and that’s where the comfort settles in. ❛ I’m just... so tired of feeling stuck in this. the rest of the world is moving forward and I can’t keep up. ❜ her interest in the swirled design of the marble countertop wanes quickly, tired eyes lifting to meet his. ❛ does it ever stop? ❜

#fortrauma #FORTRAUMA FT. ASHLEY GRAHAM.#` * [ ❤ ] . ASHLEY GRAHAM — ANSWERED .#:)#hi.

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ginisbetterthanfirewhisky · 2 years

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Why Harry and Ginny is a well-written pairing

Harry/Ginny was my first OTP even before I knew what "shipping" was. It annoys me to no end when people criticize the pairing on the basis of what they saw in the films or by taking book scenes out of context *cough* the fangirl argument *cough*. So I wrote a little essay of sorts on why they are a perfect pairing and do not deserve the flak they receive.

Here goes!

Their Personalities

The two common tropes that come to mind in literary romance are "opposites attract" and "birds of a feather". At first glance, Harry and Ginny certainly seem to belong to the latter category- they share a love for Quidditch, a dry sense of humour and have both been possessed by Voldemort. However, they have some differences which make them complement each other.

Harry, having had a bad childhood, doesn't like conflicts or arguments. Apart from the brief caps-lock in OotP (which was completely justified, by the way), Harry is of a calm nature. He's the peacemaker in the debate-loving Ron/Hermione's bickering. That's not to say that he's timid or mild-mannered- far from it, actually. Harry is very sarcastic and sassy ('No need to call me sir, Professor', anyone?), not to mention a terrific and eventually confident teacher. He is also somewhat of a brooding, self-depreciating pessimist.

Ginny, on the other hand, is sunny and full of personality. She is an optimist (remember when she reminded a dejected Harry in OotP that he was only under the ban till Umbridge was at Hogwarts? Or the 'anything's possible if you've got enough nerve' scene?) who can easily snap Harry out of his self-loathing. She doesn't walk on eggshells around him ('Lucky you'), nor does she unnecessarily humour him or put up with his (rare and unintentional) rudeness ('No need to take that tone with me'). She has a fierce temper that is cancelled out by Harry's calm nature. She understands Harry when no one else does, and the same goes for her (Not even Hagrid can convince Harry to leave a dead Dumbledore's side, but a single touch from Ginny makes him follow her blindly. Similarly, in the Battle of Hogwarts, one glance at Harry is enough for her to understand him and stop struggling against her mum).

Their Sense of Humour

As I said, they have a very similar, dry sense of humour. Very often in the books, they catch each other's eye when they hear something funny because they know the other will laugh too. This non-verbal communication even happens before OotP, when Ginny comes out of her shell.

Some examples examples include the eye-catching over Percy's attempts to impress Penelope in PoA, Lockhart's behaviour and Hermione and Luna's stark differences in OotP and Ron's uncharacteristically suave behaviour in DH.

The "Real" Kind of Love

I'm sure most of us know about Robert Sternberg's Triangular Theory of Love, where the presence of three factors- intimacy, passion and commitment- determines whether the romantic relationship between two characters/people is an ideal or "consummate" kind of love. In the books, there's plenty of evidence to prove that all three boxes in the Triangular Theory are checked. This Mugglenet article lists book quotes to prove this point.

All this proves that Harry/Ginny indeed is a well-written pairing and that JKR can write romance well, contrary to popular belief. The main focus of HP is not romantic love, which more or less excuses the lack of screentime for their romance.

~Interesting Essays~

Giving Her the Power: A Characterization of Harry/Ginny (written pre-HBP)

D’you Really Think They’re Suited? Why Hermione is Not the Right Girl for Harry (again, pre-HBP)

Harry and Ginny: More Than Meets the Eye (pre-HBP)

A Rationalist's Guide to Chocolate Orange (Pre-HBP)

Why Harry Picked Ginny, Rather Than Hermione, As A Romantic Partner (Pre DH)

Ginny Weasley: A Gryffindor and a Match for Harry (Pre DH)

#harry potter #ginny weasley #harry x ginny #hinny #relationship analysis #jk rowling #triangular theory of love #robert sternberg #harry potter ships #fandom #shipping

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dellebecque · 5 years

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Pros & Cons of Dating: Aden Dellebecque

Pros:

Low maintenance-- Aden is fairly content in general, not demanding, and not the jealous type. Travel a lot? He won’t mind, so does he. Poly relationship? He’ll talk it out. Other issues? He’s chill. The baggage he brings into a relationship isn’t relationship-centric, and the baggage of other people will be taken in stride. He brings no expectations to the table, and no demands of his own.

Ripped as hell-- Aden has been training for self defense most of his life, and more intensely as a lancer, then as a dragoon in the past several years. He’s got a naturally lean but very muscular build from training, and he’s pretty damn strong. To put it bluntly, he’s hot.

Polite and mild mannered-- Aden’s upbringing and current position have instilled in him a quiet gentleness and polite formality that guide most of his social interactions.

Intellectual and philosophical-- Much to the surprise of most people who meet him, Aden is very well read and well educated, and tends to grasp new concepts easily--or at least easily enough to engage in intelligent conversation. He also spends a lot of time thinking about the role he plays in society, and it’s led him to an open mind willing to contemplate most scenarios rather than rush to a conclusion when presented with it.

Cons:

Depression and abandonment issues-- Aden is so low maintenance because he expects people to leave him, and he’s suppressed his own needs and wants to such a degree over his life that he has trouble recognizing them or defining them without first relating them to other people. This makes it nigh unto impossible to help him through his recurring, periodic bouts of depression, or the lowkey malaise of it he struggles with daily--he might never communicate that anything is wrong at all, and he’s very practiced at hiding it. He will forever walk on eggshells, and the person in question need not do anything to cause it.

Tight-lipped and stoic-- Aden is polite and mild mannered because that’s socially acceptable, what he was taught to be, and it’s all most people will ever see of him. It’s very difficult to get him to a comfort level where he’ll be anything else, and the person beneath is not what was advertised on the tin.

Must love chocobos-- Aden has been riding chocobos most of his life, sometimes in competition scenarios, sometimes in combat, and he loves them. His bird Keva is overprotective and often violent about it, and only listens to one person: Aden. Keva was there before you, and will be there after you, and will probably actively try to scare you off in the intervening time.

Active combatant-- Aden is in service to the Holy See of Ishgard fulfilling a number of often surreptitious and dangerous duties, many of which he cannot discuss. He’s away most of the time, and would leave any potential SO waiting and wondering if he’s going to come back in one piece, and possibly not even aware of where he had to go or how long he’ll be there--only that he had to leave.

Not interested-- Aden finds relationships to be too much work, and he’d much rather have his solitude. Few people can keep up with him in the field, and he isn’t terribly interested in someone who won’t go hunting with him or who he would have to defend constantly. He also dislikes the dynamics with which many people view relationships: he wants an equal. So on the whole, why bother or concern himself with it? It’s not something he wants, or something he looks for--in fact, he’s actively hostile to the idea. He isn’t interested in one night stands or casual physical relationships, either, because he’s borderline asexual. A come-on is more likely to earn a punch in the face than actual interest.

Tagged by @chidorifarcloud

Tagging: All of you!

#Aden Dellebecque #character meme

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internaljiujitsu · 4 years

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RAGE INSIDE YOUR MACHINE: How Your Brain Makes You Mad

“The best way to control your anger is to control your body.” — Jiu Jitsu Master Rickson Gracie to Edward Norton (as Dr. Bruce Banner) in the 2008 film, The Incredible Hulk.

Bill Bixby terrified me. He’s the actor who played Dr. David Bruce Banner on the 70’s tv show, The Incredible Hulk. Bixby was a harmless looking guy, but when he’d flash those white pupils — signaling the surge in hormones that were about to transform him — I’d shit myself. The transition from man to monster, the anticipation of the horror that awaited, the build up to the inevitable carnage and destruction scared me to death. When the mild mannered scientist changed into his green alter ego, his brow widened, skin turned bright green and clothes tore from the out of control growth of his freakish muscles (while his pants always ended up making the perfect pair of shorts). Frightening.

I’d hide behind the couch whenever someone pissed Dr. Banner off. My older brother and sister thought it was hilarious, but I dreaded that moment. It reminded me that we lived with our own version of the Hulk.

My father, a giant in my eyes, would go from doting dad to terror inducing tormentor in a flash. He was the scariest monster I knew — I’d hide under desks and fake Illnesses when I knew he was angry. Given the choice, I would have taken my chances with Dr. Banner or the devil himself over my dad’s fury.

I thought I had inherited my father’s anger. Certainly, genetics played a part, but rage had also been programmed into me — to deal with a loud voice with a louder one. To conquer violence with violence. To shout down dissent in my own defense.

I worked my entire life to overcome what I and those around me deemed an anger management issue. It wasn’t frequent, but it was more intense than anyone was used to seeing. Level ten anger for a level four problem. The kind of anger that makes people of all ages want to hide under desks or behind couches.

Was I just mimicking what I’d learned as a kid? Did the build up I felt that led to the eventual eruption signify a flaw in my makeup or morality? Was I just an angry, abusive asshole at heart? All the therapy, books and lectures hadn’t helped. I still didn’t have control!

I’ve spent three decades searching for the source and solution for the anxiety and depression that made so many of my days miserable. I never examined the anger itself. The intense, rage filled outbursts I experienced were how everyone expressed anger in our home. I just happened to be the most intense of us all. I thought level ten anger was normal.

But it never felt good afterwards — I’d be exhausted. Not the good kind of exhausted, like after a grueling workout or savage sex. More like when Banner was just waking up, clothes shredded but somehow still on him, despite the fact that he was several times larger in his agitated state — fearful that he may have done some irreparable damage. I’d be groggy, sometimes in tears, breathing hard, wondering how my temper had gotten away from me again.

I ruined more than one Thanksgiving, pooped on plenty of parties and played the role of Debbie Downer on more occasions than I care to remember. Sure, the triggers were there, but my reactions were so unbelievably over the top that I was too embarrassed to go back and apologize — even though I always wanted to. Worst of all, the people I lost it on were often the ones I loved the most.

In my fits of anger, I became the meanest version of my father. Eyes bulging from his skull (partially because of his chronic thyroid condition), neck and forehead veins threatening to burst, a primal snarl through clenched teeth. Then, a voice louder than the horn on a battleship — violent hatred punctuating every decibel.

I’d punch walls or bash my own head against the nearest hard surface when I got angry. I’ve broken furniture, thrown appliances and crushed wine glasses in my hand at restaurants. The rage would only last for about twenty minutes — three or four episodes a year. The rest of the time, I was a tree hugging hippy at heart who wouldn’t hurt a fly.

That’s why it killed me so much each time I lost control. I wanted to be kind, and I knew what it felt like to be around someone scary. It sucked. Being on edge, walking on eggshells to avoid the explosions. Constant tension.

Some of my jiu jitsu buddies once nicknamed me “Buddha” because I appeared to be meditating when I sparred. They said that it seemed like I could take a nap in the middle of a match. On the days when I felt at peace, I conquered my internal demons by being calm in the face of physical conflict. In real life, when anxiety would hit, the reverse was true. Facing no real threat, fear would grip my body, and I would either whither away or explode to defend myself from an imaginary adversary.

My reactions were over the top because I felt so vulnerable. It always seemed that my mom was afraid I’d get hurt as a kid. I remember stories about how my family almost lost me as a baby or how my aunt saved me from certain death somehow. I felt weak and fragile. Seeing violence break out nearly every day on the streets of my childhood neighborhood only made the fear more real. Whether in a classroom, on the bus or in the bedroom I shared with my volatile older brother, I always had to be on my toes.

It’s no accident that I became a champion bodybuilder and martial artist. Though I wanted to focus on academics, I knew I couldn’t just rely on my mind. I needed to look strong. I needed to be confident in a fight. I didn’t want to be bothered and I didn’t want to be scared anymore. Back then, I didn’t know that it’s normal to be afraid before a fight. I thought there was something wrong with me because of it, so I worked to make that feeling go away.

But the extreme, explosive anger I exhibited as a 113 pound thirteen year old boy was the same I expressed in my twenties. I had grown into a 250 pound ball of muscle by then, and my devastating bite could be even worse than my terrifying bark. On the inside I was the same fragile person I had always been. To anyone that saw me angry, I was a scary beast.

So, like Dr. Banner seeking out Rickson Gracie to calm his inner beast, I sought peace through activity and non-activity. I gained more control over the outbursts. But when I began having episodes on days that I stuck to my rituals and felt good, I knew there had to be more to my anger than self-control. Until then, I had only addressed the depression and anxiety that I experienced since childhood. I had never looked at the anger directly, or at how it made me feel about myself.

Uncontrollable anger was the source of a lot of my shame. Self-control was always what I was after — the freedom to not be a slave to emotion. The power to never instill the kind of fear in another person that my father instilled in me. When I failed to control my anger, it was as if I devolved into my genetic predecessor — morphing into my father despite my best efforts — as if I didn’t have a choice. All the hard work of a lifetime would be gone in a burst of rage.

The realization that this anger persists under the surface inspired me to examine it beyond my triggers, or the deeply personal meanings I’ve attached to them. Rather than only experiencing and then lamenting these explosive outbursts, I wanted to understand why they happened. To do so would take being honest with myself about the circumstances surrounding triggering episodes, as well as a firmer grasp of the general causes of anger. This process has helped me to step outside my anger for the first time, depersonalizing the rage and allowing me to observe it from a distance.

I could finally understand how incredibly out of proportion my reactions were once I reexamined the triggers with my rational mind. This was aided by the fact that my latest episode took place in a hotel room covered in mirrors. I was forced to watch myself go through the entire thing. I had never seen my face — my eyes — at level ten anger. I think I may have scared myself straight.

Observing yourself in an explosive anger episode will either drive you deep into a depressive hole or kick you in the ass to figure out why you can’t seem to keep yourself together. This time, I berated myself for a day before deciding to figure out what was going on in my head, so that I can fix it.

GETTING IN YOUR OWN HEAD

The shameful hangover that persists after an episode of explosive rage will only go away when failure to self-regulate isn’t simply labeled a lack of discipline. Subconsciously reprogramming limiting beliefs that have kept you stuck in negative patterns is critical for change, but so is identifying the physiological markers of anger that serve to prep you for confrontation. Knowing that there is more happening in your head than meets the eye gives you an enormous advantage in correcting emotional disregulation. Only then can you train yourself to recognize when you need to course adjust , shutting down your body’s irrational reaction before it gets out of hand.

While traditional therapy and behavioral modification may be key in recovery, ignoring the chemical component of explosive anger is discounting the twisted scaffolding on which the ego is built. Brain function is the invisible variable that turns some of us from Jekyll to Hyde — Banner to Hulk.

There are two parts of your noggin that are key in processing anger:

The Anterior Cingulate Cortex has connections to both the prefrontal cortex (reasoning) and the limbic system (emotion).

The Amygdala — made up of almond shaped clusters inside the temporal lobes — is also a part of the limbic system, which governs emotion.

An inactive Anterior Cingulate Cortex or an overactive Amygdala can both lead to poor decision making and antisocial behavior .

The Anterior Cingulate Cortex (ACC) regulates rational cognitive function. This area of the brain affects decision making, empathy, impulse control, and reward anticipation. It connects your emotions to your actions and intercedes by considering the repercussions when your lizard brain wants to impulsively lash out at someone or something.

According to leading ADHD researcher Dr. Russel Barkley, clinical professor of psychiatry at the VCU Medical Center, the ACC does nothing in ADHD brains. There is no stopping to self-regulate the emotional state — no holding you back from making decisions that could be detrimental to a future you’re incapable of imagining.

Because ADHD is a failure of the inhibition system, Barkley says it’s critical to decouple events from responses. This can only happen when you stop and engage the prefrontal cortex to devise rational responses to triggers. Acting on impulse can be disastrous.

What Barkley describes as a “nearsightedness in time” leaves those with ADHD blind to the future. Unable to anticipate the consequences of their actions and incapable of self-regulation, they often impulsively act out against their own long term self interest. This can sometimes have severe financial, social and legal consequences.

Barkley suggests designing “prosthetic environments” to elicit behavior modification and assist in self-regulation. By externalizing pieces of information with hand written or electronic notes and reminders, envisioning future events and the sequence in which they should take place becomes easier.

In their book, Nudge, Nobel prize winning economist Richard H. Thaler and Cass R Sunstein describe the vast number of ways our decisions can be influenced by subtle suggestions. Strategically placing reminders to curtail or reinforce behavior, building in immediate rewards and consequences, and manually problem solving whenever possible can prop up executive function and lead to better decision making and fewer outbursts.

While the ACC takes into account consequences, the amygdala is a group of structures in the brain that process strong emotions, particularly fear — provoking an automatic fight or flight response. Amygdala hijack (a term coined by psychologist Daniel Goleman) occurs when the amygdala disables the frontal lobes (which govern reason and higher level cognition) and limits some unessential functions in order to prepare the body for conflict. Stress hormones flood your system, pupils dilate, heart races, blood vessels constrict and pressure rises. While being on high alert is helpful when facing life or death situations, putting your body through the emotional ringer on a regular basis due to everyday stress will break you down mentally and physically.

Setting off this chemical dance are the triggers that sit atop the surface of your mind like land mines hastily planted by everyone you’ve ever known — buried under all the shit you only think you remember. The stories you tell yourself set off a tingling sensation when someone reminds you of what you don’t want to be. Your thoughts travel and the feeling in your body transports you to a different time and place. The explosions go off, cortisol and adrenaline flood your system and you react as if you are there again.

Individuals with Intermittent Explosive Disorder (IED) exhibit repeated, explosive, sudden episodes of rage that are drastically out of proportion to the trigger. These outbursts can manifest as verbal or physical abuse, destruction of property or personal harm. A study published in the journal Neuropsychopharmacology looked at brain scans of patients with IED. Researchers found that the white matter connecting the frontal lobe (decision making, emotion, understanding consequences) and the parietal lobe (language and sensory input) had less integrity and density than in healthy brains or those with other psychiatric disorders.

With what is essentially the wiring between these two regions of the brain damaged, communication becomes limited. Unable to take in all the information available, you only hear the things that confirm the irrational notions of your lizard brain. Everything becomes an attack. You are looking for the insult that will reinforce the shitty way you feel about yourself. Acting as if everyone is out to get you will miraculously make people want to stay away.

In her book, The Upside of Anger, Dr. Kelly McGonigal argues that it’s our own interpretation of stress that turns it negative. McGonigal says that if we view stress as our body’s way of preparing us for whatever comes next, a rapid pulse can mean excitement instead of fear. McGonigal’s research shows that this shift in perspective leads to physiological changes. Blood vessels no longer violently constrict when the heart pumps faster. However, the organ itself is still fed more nutrients, making it stronger. As in the physical stress put on your body when you exercise, as long as you do not overtrain, the increased demand over time creates greater capacity. According to Dr. McGonigal, a heart pumping vigorously while blood vessels stay relaxed, “looks like what happens in moments of joy, or courage.”

Meditation is an invaluable tool for transforming your reaction to stress. Dedicating time every day to practicing stillness is the best training for both recognizing the onset of symptoms (by learning to notice subtle changes in your internal state) and shutting down a reaction before any negative physiological effects take hold by instantly being still. Building my meditation muscles before figuring out what was wrong with my wiring helped me find the quiet space between trigger and reaction to perceive my anger differently.

If you see anger as an alarm signaling that some potentially nasty shit is being released into your body, you may pump the breaks when you feel yourself losing control. Doing otherwise is knowingly poisoning yourself. Once you realize what’s happening inside you when you are triggered, you’ll be able to direct the process through conscious attention. The feelings won’t trigger irrational action, but thoughtful consideration. Not only of the steps to take next, but of the source of your emotional response — thereby allowing you to choose to react differently.

When the flutter in your chest and butterflies in your stomach signify fear to your mind, your body will act afraid and your thoughts will race. The bells and whistles that go off under your skin will take on new meaning if you train your body to sit still when your mind wants to sprint. With a little knowledge and a lot of discipline, you can, in the words of the late Ted Cassidy, “control the raging spirit that dwells within.”

#mind #body #mentalhealth #anger #angermanagement #mindfulness #meditation #awareness #brain #change #behaviormodification #ied #adhd #relationships #selfimprovement #personalgrowth

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sirketz · 6 years

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Lovewatch Discord Server Business; Feel Free to Ignore if You are not Affiliated with Lovewatch

Hey all, sorry about this post. It’s so I can share a letter that I am afraid will get deleted from a Discord server, so please just ignore this if you are not a part of the Lovewatch Overwatch server:

Hi everyone, I have a very important announcement to make, but I am afraid this might get deleted, so have posted it on my tumblr as well.

To those who don’t know, particularly you newer members, I’m SirKetz, and I was a mod in Lovewatch for quite a few months. I stepped down from being a mod about a month ago because there was consistent infighting and drama among the team (which is fine, I understand that happens in online communities) and I do not handle that sort of thing well.

I have adored being a member of this community, and meeting so many wonderful Overwatch fans, but as of this post, I will be leaving the server. Normally I would keep my reasoning for something like this fairly private, but I have thought long and hard about this and feel this is something everyone in Lovewatch has a right to know.

It all started on my end when I got a DM from Sparrow in late December, saying that they had had to make an “executive decision” and kick some members, but apologizing because one of those members had been my Secret Santa. I said I didn’t mind, but then someone else agreed to replace the kicked member as my Secret Santa anyway, so that was resolved. I asked Sparrow who the person that had been kicked was, and they told me it was Nebulae, which was odd to me since I had never heard any complaints about them as a mod beyond mild “they’re too strong-spoken” sometimes. Definitely not enough to kick over, and there was no activity I saw in the server either that could implicate why.

http://i.cubeupload.com/MHscWu.png

http://i.cubeupload.com/6y7PRV.png

I checked the member list after to see who else was kicked, and saw that the person I play Overwatch with the most (who would rather not be named) was gone, as well as Elle. I got on battle.net and the unnamed friend had talked to Neb and was passing a message along to me, asking me if I still wanted my Secret Santa gift. I told them I was happy either way, and gave my Discord number so Neb could DM me if they wanted.

I then found out from the unnamed friend that they had also been kicked, which was even more shocking to me because I had never ever seen a complaint about them, and they were not super active on Lovewatch to begin with. I had never seen them do anything against the rules. When I asked them and Neb why they were kicked, I was told the entire story.

When it happened, there were also a number of other members who were kicked. This was done out of nowhere, without any sort of warning, and without a response as to why they were kicked when they questioned it through DMs. As far as I have been able to tell, this was done by Lovewatch’s founder and lead admin, Sparrow, and no other mods or admins were informed about it beforehand, according to a source who wishes to remain anonymous. http://i.cubeupload.com/gDzhy2.jpg

Some members were kicked due to multiple complaints from other members, but the three I mentioned earlier (Elle, Nebulae, and my unnamed friend) were kicked due to a minor personal dispute with Sparrow. Elle’s boyfriend was also kicked literally a day after joining, barely even getting a chance to introduce himself. This dispute took place in a private conversation called the Salt Pit, which involved these three members, a fourth member who I have chosen to not name because they are not a mod and hardly involved in this, Sparrow, and all of the mods except Pigeon Noot, Kai (who wasn’t yet a mod), and myself. The Salt Pit was essentially a direct message thread used to complain about members who were not following Lovewatch’s rules or were otherwise behaving in an inappropriate matter (such as by posting unsourced art, interrupting conversations, or causing other members to feel uncomfortable).

In the Salt Pit, things eventually escalated when the now-kicked members were complaining about some newer members who (they didn’t realize) had connections to some of the mods. Sparrow asked them to tone the complaints down and to try to give new members a chance. Things eventually got heated enough where Elle needed to leave due to anxiety, Neb apologized and left because they know they tend to get too angry and overreact in these situations, and the last of the three members also left after apologizing for going too far and saying it was probably best if they all left the conversation and kept these kinds of talks to private DMs. (As a side note this member also wishes to make clear that they feel their apology came off as dismissive and rude but that they did not intend it that way; they have difficulty expressing themself sometimes and wanted to hurry out of the group because they were having anxiety from having all eyes on them after the other two left)

(Second side note: I have blocked out names and sentences that can identify people who were not involved in the Salt Pit for their privacy; the color coding is just for my own reference, though the name blocked out in white is the unnamed friend.)

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After people had had some time to cool off, Elle apologized to Sparrow and Neb did again as well, and Sparrow said it was not a kick-worthy offense, and that things were cool and it was time to move on. This was back in November. (Note: I underlined in red Sparrow saying this was not a kick-worthy offense in one of the following screencaps.)

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However, now a month later, Sparrow has kicked these members, telling me it was because of complaints against them, and later amending their story to say they felt unsafe in their own server with them there. According to the same anonymous source mentioned earlier, the thing Sparrow actually felt unsafe about was that these members could have screenshots of them complaining about Lovewatch members and could potentially ‘out’ them for it. In addition, there were other members with multiple complaints from different people against them who did not get kicked; the ones with complaints against them that got kicked were ones Sparrow had personally complained about as well.

http://i.cubeupload.com/F5aNyG.jpg

I also wanted to note that I am not here to pass judgement on anyone who was involved in the Salt Pit. Arguments happen and I was not personally involved, so all of my information on it is via word-of-mouth and screenshots. And while I think it was unfair and wrong that members were banned without warning and without other mods being consulted, my biggest issue is that these three members were banned due to a personal dispute outside of Lovewatch, not due to member complaints. Obviously an admin can run their server however they want, but I feel all members of that server also have a right to know that there is the possibility they could get kicked without warning, without breaking Lovewatch rules, and without even having a dispute within the server itself.

All of this is the main reason I am leaving Lovewatch, but it is not the only reason. I had actually been considering leaving for a few months before all of this. Another thing I feel members have a right to know, coming from someone who served as a moderator and considered Sparrow a friend for months, is that I do not think Sparrow (nor Sam) is an effective leader or admin. There were multiple times I would make a suggestion or caution against a proposed action, and most other mods would agree with me, but then Sparrow would step in and veto what I said, and because they were the lead admin, all other mods had to immediately go with it.

I unfortunately do not have screenshots of these incidents, as I am no longer in the mod chat, but one example was when we had the infamous server overhaul. For those who are not aware, we had been getting some complaints about members interrupting other members too often as the server was getting bigger and busier. Sparrow wanted to make the sfw art and nsfw art channels into feeds where you can only post content and no one would comment; wanted to change and create a bunch of other channels; and wanted mods to more heavily enforce rules while also reminding members not to interrupt conversations/post non-content in the new feed channels, and also to tell them to move conversations when they got off-topic.

While I agree that interruptions were becoming too frequent and needed to be addressed, I flat-out told the mod team that I had been in servers where mods were consistently asking people to change channels when they got off-topic and otherwise constantly enforcing minor rules violations (or even things that weren’t technically violations), and that these servers had not been fun and members always felt like they were walking on eggshells. I also noticed that, while ship hate or harassment over ships had never been (and shouldn’t be) allowed, while once it had been okay if we stated a ship or character wasn’t our cup of tea, lately there seemed to be no tolerance for simply expressing your opinion in a calm and polite manner about a ship or character. I sent in anonymous feedback saying I thought this type of conversation should be allowed, also so members didn’t feel like they were walking on eggshells, and Sparrow immediately vetoed it, seeming incapable of comprehending the difference between ship hate and not caring for a ship.

Lo and behold, as soon as all the changes went through, members were unhappy and wishing things were back to the way they had been. I warned Sparrow it was not a good decision, and most of the changes were eventually walked back. Overall, they cannot seem to fathom how their actions will play out within such a large community (as also evidenced by all of the drama that came from the bans), and Sam, as the only other admin, does not seem invested enough in the server to help with this issue. His contributions seem to vary between automatically agreeing with Sparrow and attacking anyone who disagreed, or disagreeing with Sparrow so much that they get into one of their many fights. He even considered just completely leaving the server before out of nowhere, yet still remained an admin after.

Another reason I do not see Sparrow as a capable admin is that they promoted Joos, Agent Kinks/Kinky Hanzo, and myself to moderator positions without our knowledge nor consent. We had been “Lovewatch Advisors” first, meaning that our jobs were simply to answer member questions and direct them when they needed it at times. Eventually we got invited to the mod chat, so became involved in helping make decisions, which is fine. But then we were promoted to moderator out of nowhere and expected to suddenly have all mod responsibilities.

Sparrow never even outlined for us what these new responsibilities were. I still don’t fully understand. I know part of it was addressing rule breaking in the server, which I did, but then one day Sparrow decided to take a break from running things (which is fine), but then got upset that we apparently were not “stepping up to the plate.” They said they were beginning to wonder if we even wanted to be mods, which… I never did to begin with but wasn’t given the option. I am not sure what else they expected us to do that we were not already doing (responding in mod chat, answering questions in the server, and policing it), but I suspect they wanted us to be creating more events and such, which we had absolutely no request or guidance to do so.

Anyway, that is the brunt of what I wanted to make known. I imagine I will lose some friends over this, and while that will really suck, I couldn’t in good conscious let people just keep… existing in this server without realizing how things were being run and how easy it is to get kicked. So while I hope my friends here are understanding of why I am posting this, if you no longer wish to speak with me I will accept that.

If you want to DM me to comment or ask any questions about this, you are welcome to. My Discord name is SirKetz#6741, so just friend me and I will accept, or you can DM me on tumblr (sirketz.tumblr.com). If you just want to yell at me or give hate for this decision (expressing disagreement civilly is fine), I will not respond and will block you, as I am just tired of dealing with so much drama.

I will miss the people and things I love about this server. I have no idea what will happen to it after this, but I wish you all the best! I am not campaigning for people to leave, merely making what I know clear so that people know what they are in and can make informed decisions. Take care everyone!

Love,

SirKetz

PS: To my Secret Santa, I really apologize for this, especially if you’ve already put work into the gift. You have my contact information if you still want to give it to me, but I would totally understand if not.

#lovewatch #lovewatchers

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fangfucked-a · 5 years

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NAME: Angel Michael Graham. ALIAS: Francis Elijah Carter. NICKNAME: Frankie, Fran, Franny, asshole.

AGE: Twenty eight. BIRTHDAY: August 12th, 1990. ZODIAC: Leo. BIRTH PLACE: Charleston, South Carolina. CURRENT LOCATION: L.A, California. GENDER: Non-binary. PRONOUNS: He/him, they/them, she/her. Really does not give a shit, uses masculine pronouns because he presents very masculine and it's just easier for most people. SEXUALITY: Bisexual, biromantic. SPECIES: Vampire. POWERS: Enhanced senses ( though taste has completely shifted, blood has several different tastes depending on person, human foods taste like copper ), enhanced strength, compulsion ( mind control ), accelerated healing, limited immortality, supernatural detection to a certain degree. He can smell someone's not human or catch onto a specific scent through their blood if he's encountered their kind before, but he doesn't always know what someone is. CONS: Sunlight will cause him to burn if he's not wearing his cloaking ring though even with it on, he's sensitive to sunlight. Needs blood for survival, if he goes too long without it his body will begin to shut down; not so much to kill him but he won't be able to do anything until he gets blood. RELIGION: Christian. Raised with that faith and he still holds it very dear to him despite constantly going against what he believes in. OCCUPATION: Hitman, uses baker as a cover. LANGUAGES KNOWN: English and some Spanish. ACCENT: American. VOICE CLAIM: Dan Stevens, specifically his accent in The Ticket. FACE CLAIM: Joseph Gilgun, Dan Stevens. Just depends on who I'm in the mood to use tbh. EYE COLOR: Bright blue. HAIR COLOR: Naturally dirty blond, dyed his hair brown. It's fading so it's a bit of a mix between the two colors.. STYLE: Short, just kind of a mess. Flat and not styled. HEIGHT: 6'6". TATTOOS: Two solid black bands on his wrist, a twisted Cheshire cat that takes up most of his left leg, an arrow on his right arm, 'die with memories, not dreams' in typewriter font on his left forearm, a galaxy design on his left hand, the word FUCK on his right knuckles, a tree that takes up his back and under that tree is the name Alex in red cursive font. Never bring up the name to him. He pretty much has small random tattoos all over his body that would take me too long to list, almost anywhere you can think of has some sort of tattoo. PIERCINGS: A helix piercing on his left ear. SCARS: He has several scattered across his body from the years of constant abuse, however most are actually covered up by his tattoos. The only ones that are really noticeable anymore are one by his right eye that leads from the inner corner to the top of his cheek bone, one on his right hand that goes from his knuckles to the top of his wrist, and one going down his chest from the heart surgery he had as a child. It's mostly covered by his tree tattoo, but if you look close you can see a large scar of a cross shape on his back. CLOTHES: Surprisingly colorful. Wears a lot of skinny jeans, douchey tank tops, high tops that vary in colors. He tries to avoid wearing dark colors unless he's on a job, then he'll do whatever he can to remain unseen or unnoticed. DISTIGUISHING LOOKS: Tall figure, bright eyes, and his fangs are always out. LABEL: The dirtbag, the addict, the conard. POSITIVE TRAITS: Adaptable, fiercely loyal, loving, clever, a damn good survivor. NEGATIVE TRAITS: Impulsive, obsessive, egotistical, selfish, just an asshole tbh. GOALS: Really wants to kill Alex and give her a taste of even a little bit of what he endured through their relationship. Also to keep his family strong and knit together. FEARS: Alex, abandonment, failure, grief, and spiders. HOBBIES: Music is a huge factor in his life that he's trying to get back into and learn even more. Cooking is also a big hobby of his as well as his career, he enjoys video games from time to time, and he loves anything social. He just likes meeting and speaking to people. HABITS: Smokes heavily, bounces his leg, chews on his lip even though he can't retract his fangs. FAVORITE WEATHER: He loves the cold which is why he thrived in New York during the colder seasons, but now that he lives in California, it makes him want to Die(tm) FAVORITE MUSIC: Rap and pop tend to be his most listened to, but he can listen to most things! His favorite band is Mindless Self Indulgence. FAVORITE COLOR: Blue. FAVORITE MOVIES: He's not a movie person, he doesn't really watch them ever. He does however love Boondock Saints and will watch it continuously so he tends to watch action or romance if he does watch anything. FAVORITE SPORTS: Also not a sports person. He knows a bit about baseball, but that's mostly due to his brother's involvement back in school. PHYSICAL: None. He's very healthy despite not looking like it. MENTAL: ADHD that was diagnosed at eight. BPD and OCD were diagnosed at fifteen and seventeen. PTSD is undiagnosed. He really only has a handle on his ADHD but he's actively trying to better himself nowadays and get a better grip on his other disorders. ALLERGIES: None. SLEEPING HABITS: Doesn't sleep much. He doesn't need much anyway, but he also suffers from nightmares that will keep him up for hours after and spike his paranoia. So he tries to avoid sleeping as much as possible. EXERCISE HABITS: Occasionally goes for runs because it's good for him to clear his mind, but other than that not much exercising. His body won't change and he's already supernaturally strong so he doesn't see the point. EATING HABITS: When it comes to blood, he uses his hits as his main source for meals, but he'll also eat human food to keep up appearances. SOCIAL: Practically the definition of an extrovert. BODY: Has some muscle, but still pretty lean and doesn't look exactly healthy. ADDICTIONS: Nicotine. DRUG USE: Recovering heroin addict ( going on three years clean ) so he stays away from everything at this point. ALCOHOL: Recovering alcoholic ( one year clean ) so none anymore. MOTHER: Meghan Graham. FATHER: Nathaniel Taylor ( birth father ), Jacob Graham ( adoptive father ) SIBLINGS: A twin brother named Abel and a younger sister named Celestina, though he has no idea she exists since she was born after his disappearance. PETS: A tabby named Patches and an Egyptian Mau named Gamora. PARTNER: Faolán Mackenzie. wife. CHILDREN: Nova & Sirius Mackenzie.

Francis' backstory contains heavy mentions of abuse, murder, heroin addiction, and alcoholism.

THE BEGINNING OF THE END

He wasn't always like this. So monstrous, so violent, so bloodthirsty. Nobody starts off as the villain of the story, sometimes they're made that way, and in Angel's case, that's exactly what happened. He starts off mild mannered, polite, a drive to do something great in the world, and an aspiration to fall in love. He witnessed the world through rose colored glasses, so when he meets what he sees as the perfect girl, it's easy to ignore the red flags about her. The snide comments, the little lies, the almost a little too possessive behavior --- he just shrugged it off because they're small compared to the good he sees in her. Alex gave him the love he desired, the attention he craved, and somehow always knew what to say to have him as putty in her hands. Never mind that she's older or that he has to keep her a secret from his family.

Eighteen and she forces him to move to New York with him. He wasn't sure why he said yes, but there was an overwhelming force that made him agree, so one night he packed up a bag and he was gone. Without a word to anyone. It's not long after the move that she begins to show her true colors, the violent tendencies, the controlling behavior ---- it was starting to scare him. His life became walking on eggshells, watching his every word and action around her, and he was starting to become numb to it all. She teaches him how to fight, claims it's because he should know self defense, but he's not sure if it's not just another excuse to hit him.

It gets worse with time. The physical violence was more often, but she had also shattered any resemblance of his self esteem. He was numb, apathetic, and living a life that revolved around her to try and save himself. He wanted to leave, call his family for help, anything ---- but he couldn't. There was that pull again, the one that made him do whatever she told him. The supposed love of his life had also become the scariest thing in it. He falls into bad habits, alcohol and drugs, anything to try and make things seem a little more bearable. If he was too numb then maybe it wouldn't hurt so much, maybe he wouldn't be so god damn scared, right? His life had become survival day in and day out, he wasn't alive anymore. She had drained him of anything he once had.

DEATH

Then the dreaded day came, four days after his birthday, just like when she took him away, she decides to end his life. He comes home from the bar and immediately she slams him up against the wall. He doesn't even register what she's saying, something about how she was waiting to do this for a long time, something about a game, and something about a weapon. She forces a metallic liquid down his throat and the one thing that properly processes is the pain he feels in his abdomen. The feeling of the knife twisting in his gut and the nightmare fueled grin across her face as he realizes what's happening. He was going to die and it was really going to be at the hand of her.

That's the day Angel Graham died, but it's not the end of his story.

BECOMING A MONSTER

He wakes up in a place he doesn't recognize, his hand chained to some rusty pipe. His head's pounding, teeth throbbing, and the tears couldn't be held back. The pain was unbearable, everything was so much louder than it was before, the light on his eyes made him want to tear them out, and the sudden hunger made him want to scream. He begged for mercy, death would have been kinder than whatever the hell he was feeling now. His path may have been lost at a young age, but he never imagined he deserved any of what he was experiencing. Alex shuts him up quickly, forcing more blood down his throat and covering his mouth with tape. He thinks he might be in hell, but then she explains what's happening. She changed him into something more than human, a vampire. A fucking vampire. It's terrifying, panic quickly sets in, but he realizes there's not much he can do but succumb to whatever she has planned.

The years leading up to his death had all been setting it up. Breaking him down to the point where he didn't know who he was without her, the dependency and loyalty to her despite her cruelness, the fighting training, it was all for her. She made him into her own sick little game. Pushing him to see how far she would go, making him into a weapon for her own amusement. The bloodshed follows quickly after his turn as she teaches him how to revel into the chaos. Any sense of his human self had begun to fade away. He was just everything she wanted him to be. A violent monster, one that would attack on command, one that would do anything to please her.

MOVING ON

After his twenty fourth birthday, he starts to come to terms with everything. He starts to finally see past the lies and manipulation, thoughts finally fighting against her commands. This wasn't the life he wanted to lead. The compulsion she had over him was gone, he was fucking tired of it and he didn't have to sit through the abuse anymore. So he packs up one night and leaves without a word, much like he had with his own family. He&'s not done with her, but he knows that the state he was in wasn't enough to go against her. She's older and much much stronger than him. He'd have to train more, make a goal to get even.

His powers and charm get him by for a while. It's difficult at first, he's homeless but it was better than staying with his abuser. He gets a new identity to hide himself so Francis Elijah Carter is created. He's not innocent by any means, his mind still corrupted and twisted by Alex, the violence is still a part of him now, the love for chaos. He wasn't ashamed of what he had become, he reveled in it, but he would be damned if he remained a victim. He uses his skills to start killing for cash, figures a good meal and some decent cash could get him by. He even gets clean and sober after he finds himself a new family, one that treats him a hell of a lot better than the relationship he had been in for the last few years. Life's not bad, he's made it his own again, but he knows he's coming for her head as soon as he gets the chance.

#❛ &. your name is cool josh? / out of character. ❜#u know same thing applies tho if this is too long for u i can give u a quick summary lmao

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