#anyway guess who just got cpr certified

[sonseulsoleil]

I would love to see something with 13, 17, or 20 from the summer prompts please! Dealer's choice.

Hello, I'm sorry this took so long! But here is a little oneshot from the prompt "lifeguard"--though I may have stretched things a bit. Also I suppose content warning for cold water and mild hypothermia symptoms. But this is really just the Paris Squad being chaotic.

“Are we sure this is a good idea?” Tara eyed the pool suspiciously. The water rippled gently, glinting in the moonlight. 

“It’s a fantastic idea,” Darcy answered, throwing open the gate to the pool. No one was quite sure how she managed to nick the keys from the Higgs’ P.E. teacher, but they all thought it best if they didn’t ask.  

“What if we get into trouble?” Sahar bit her lip. “It’s after midnight!” 

“Exactly,” Darcy nodded. “No one’s going to come out and check on the pool this late. We won’t get caught.” 

Charlie pursed his lips. “What if someone gets hurt?” He asked quietly. “It’s dark, and—” 

Darcy flipped on the lights. “You were saying?” 

Nick squeezed Charlie’s hand–which he’d been holding for the entire walk from Tara’s house to the Higgs/Truham shared pool. “Don’t worry, Char,” he said softly. “I’m CPR certified. I took an emergency medicine course a few summers ago.” 

Charlie blinked up at him. “You are? You did?” 

“Yeah,” Nick blushed. “You know how rough rugby lads can get—”

Darcy snorted. “I’m sure he does.” 

“Darcy!” Charlie choked out, and at the same time, Tao began to make loud faux gagging noises. 

“Anyway,” Nick said, voice firm but not sharp, a voice he’d developed on the rugby pitch and perfected with his friends. “I thought it would be smart to know what to do if someone got really hurt. It ended up being a good thing because one time Christian took a nasty tackle and I was the only one who knew how to test for a concussion before the medics arrived.” 

“See, there you have it,” Darcy grinned and clapped Nick on the shoulder. “Nicholas here is basically a lifeguard. What’s the worst that could happen?” 

Tao groaned loudly. “Don’t say that!” 

Elle patted her boyfriend gently on the shoulder. “There, there,” she said dryly. 

At this point, the entire gang had made their way through the metal gate and onto the pool deck properly. The bright white of the fluorescent lights burned Nick’s eyes slightly, and he briefly wondered why they even had lights out there. Why would anyone be swimming at night? 

Besides them, of course. 

Nick shrugged off the backpack he’d brought, containing towels for both him and Charlie, as well as a water bottle and a couple of granola bars just in case. The rest of their friends did the same, shrugging off clothes and setting out towels, as if it was the middle of a summer afternoon, and not after midnight in the middle of September. 

Charlie was the first to the pool, as he was the only one who didn’t have anything to take off or put down. He rolled up his black jeans, perched at the edge and slowly dangled his feet into the water, before instantly recoiling and yanking his legs up onto the cement. 

“Jesus fucking Christ!” 

Everyone stopped. 

“You alright, Char?” Nick asked, already jogging across the pool deck towards his boyfriend. 

“I’m fine,” he rolled his eyes. “But the water is fucking freezing.” 

Tara threw her arms up. “I told you this was a bad idea!” She turned to start packing up her stuff, ready to throw in the towel on her girlfriend’s harebrained scheme. 

But Darcy Olsson was nothing if not stubborn. She dipped her toe in and shrugged. “It’s not that cold.” 

Elle, Tao, Isaac, and Nick all followed suit. Tao and Isaac recoiled, the same as Charlie, but Elle seemed to take a moment to consider. It was definitely unpleasantly cold, but it was tolerable, in Nick’s opinion. 

“I guess…” He sighed, trying to be as even-handed as possible. “It’s cold, but it’s really not that bad.” 

Charlie gasped. “Betrayal!” 

“I agreed that it’s cold!” Nick tried, running a hand through his hair. “I just think it’s tolerable, at least for me.” 

Charlie giggled. “You’re so cute when you’re flustered.” 

“Hey!” Nick huffed. “That’s mean!” 

Whatever Charlie was about to say was interrupted by a loud splash. Nick and Charlie looked over just in time to see Darcy’s head surface in the middle of the deep end. 

“Come on in!” She called. “The water’s great!” 

“Hm,” Nick shook his head. “No, thanks!” He looked back at Charlie. “I’m good right here!” He punctuated his statement by pressing a chaste kiss to Charlie’s lips. 

Tao rolled his eyes. 

“Got a problem?” Nick asked, a teasing lilt to his voice. 

“Besides that nauseating display of affection?” Tao quipped, though there was no real bite to his words. At this point, after over a year of friendship, Nick knew that Tao was secretly quite invested in his and Charlie’s relationship. 

“Yeah,” Nick grinned. “Besides that.” 

“Well, you said yourself the water’s not that cold,” Tao pointed out, smirking slightly. “If that’s the case, what’s stopping you from taking a swim?” 

“Tao,” Charlie said. A warning. 

“I dare you to jump in the pool,” Tao said, his smirk growing into an evil grin. “I bet you can’t do it.” 

Charlie dropped his head into his hands, knowing full well what Tao had just done. Nick Nelson prided himself on being, for the most part, pretty levelheaded. He wasn’t like some of his mates on the rugby team, who recklessly threw themselves into dangerous and stupid situations. But there was a series of words that, more than anything, made his brain immediately switch into what Charlie dubbed Idiot Rugby Lad Mode. 

And Tao had just said it. 

Nick was up from his seat next to Charlie and standing back at the edge of the water in a flash. “How much do you want to bet?” 

“I bet you £15 that you can’t jump in the pool and stay there for at least twenty seconds.” 

“Make it £20 and you’ve got a bet,” Nick responded, putting his hand out to shake on it. 

“£20?” Tao scoffed. 

“One for every second I have to stay in the water,” Nick answered easily. “Why? Are you worried you won’t win?” 

Tao’s face hardened. “Obviously not.” 

“So, then?” Nick raised an eyebrow. “Do we have a deal?”

Tao pursed his lips. “Fine. We have a deal.” 

They shook hands on it, and Nick reluctantly stepped away from his boyfriend. He pulled off his shirt, kicked off his flip flops, and approached the edge of the pool. 

“Ready to concede?” Tao asked. 

“You don’t have to do this,” Charlie said. 

Nick took a deep breath. “I’m sorry, Char, but you know I have to do it.” 

“I know.” Charlie let out a deep sigh, covering his eyes with his palm. “I can’t watch this.” 

Finally, Nick dove into the pool. The water was a shock to his system, almost painfully cold. Immediately, he felt his heart rate jump. He surfaced, gasping for breath, already shivering. “Fucking Christ! Jesus fucking fuck!” He yelled, unable to hold back. 

“Twenty seconds, Nicholas!” Tao called out. 

“I know!” Nick shouted back. 

He glanced around the pool. At some point, Darcy had admitted to how cold the water was, hopped out, and was now shivering in Tara’s arms, so it was just Nick in the pool. He tried to tread water, but his muscles felt heavy and sluggish from the cold water, so he moved until he could stand flat instead. 

“Ten more seconds!” Tao yelled, waving the stopwatch on his phone. 

Nick’s brain stopped working. Vaguely he heard his friends counting down from ten, but his thoughts were slow, and couldn’t keep up. Until finally, Tao shouted once again. 

“Alright, Nicholas, get out of there!” 

Nick swam to the stairs as quickly as he could (which wasn’t that fast) and pulled himself out of the water. Immediately he was wrapped in a warm towel and a firm embrace. Charlie. He became aware of a clicking sound, which he realized belatedly was the sound of his own teeth chattering. 

“I can’t believe you did that,” Charlie scolded him. “What is wrong with you?” 

Nick shrugged, and looked up, looking for Tao. “Where’s my twenty pounds?” He spat, stuttering slightly with his chattering teeth. 

Tao huffed and pulled out his wallet, pressing the money into Nick’s open palm. “Can you take this?” He asked, handing the bills to Charlie. “I’m still wet.” 

Charlie nodded, taking the money and shoving it in his pocket. “Can we go home now?” 

“Yes,” Nick answered immediately. “I’m so fucking cold.” 

“Same,” said Darcy, who was still shaking slightly. 

Tara and Charlie exchanged a glance. 

The group (except for Nick and Darcy, who sat, wrapped in towels, shivering) collected their things and packed up their bags. Tao walked home, and took Elle and Isaac with him. Tara drove herself, Darcy, and Sahar home. Which left Nick and Charlie. 

“Please don’t call my mum,” Nick begged, giving Charlie his best puppy dog eyes. 

“Nick. I’m not having you walk home sipping wet,” Charlie shook his head. “We’re calling your mum for a ride.” 

“Ugh,” Nick groaned. “Fine.” 

Nick pouted in silence as Charlie spoke to his mum.

 “Yes Sarah, he’s fine—no, no, I think all he needs is a hot chocolate and—yes, thank you. See you soon.” Charlie slid his phone back into his jeans pocket. “She’ll be here soon.” 

Nick nodded. “Okay,” he said, unable to say much more as a wave of fatigue flooded him. 

“Hey,” Charlie put a hand on Nick’s cheek, wincing slightly from how cold his skin felt. “You alright? You know she’s not going to be mad.”

“‘M tired,” Nick managed.

Charlie frowned. “Jesus, Nick. I think you’ve got mild hypothermia.” 

“Oh.” 

Charlie stripped off his jumper—which, as usual, was really Nick’s jumper—and handed it to Nick. “Put this on, you big idiot.” 

Nick did as he was told. “Won’t you be cold?”

“Not as cold as you are,” Charlie responded. 

Nick wrapped an arm around his boyfriend. “Thank you, I love you.” 

Charlie frowned at him. “You’re an idiot.” 

“Char,” Nick whined. 

“But,” Charlie’s frown turned up into a smile. “I love you, too.” 

#Heartstopper #Heartstopper comic #Heartstopper tv #Charlie x Nick #Nick x Charlie #narlie #Charlie Spring #Nick Nelson #the Paris Squad #narlie fic #Heartstopper fic #my fan fiction #userrjoana

[amazingphilza]

study buddies :: cc!multiple x reader

fluff , platonic , gender neutral ! some headcanons if the mcyts were trying to help you do hw :D

cc’s included in order: tommyinnit , tubbo , ranboo , wilbur soot , philza , technoblade

tommyinnit

i feel like he’s the type to be in a long discord call with you whilst you both try to finish your work

mans uses the screensharing feature like there’s no tomorrow

“y/n watch my stream on discord and help me guess the answers”

“tommy no! i haven’t even taken a film class before”

“your guess is good as mine”

“just cheat and google the answers!!!”

“fuck you”

he actually just wants your attention because he’s bored out of his mind doing homework

five minutes later of asking you to help him guess questions he’s like

“hey y/n”

“what now?”

“let’s play bedwars”

“oh my god shut up!!!”

if tommy has to speedrun something before a deadline, it is a whole different story tho; he will be so focused on completing that he won’t hear what you’re saying

if you’re struggling in math, you’re on your own

“math is shit, only numbers i need is my primes and youtube analytics” says tommy any time you complain about math

besides the fact he isn’t good at solving math problems, you can’t even read his handwriting if he did try showing you how to do a problem

“okay, y/n, it’s simple, just look” he says in his kareninnit voice and everything

you’d be like “is the variable a G or a 9??”

“fuck you that’s a 4!!!”

tubbo

i don’t know if tubbo ever talked about school before but something about him makes me think he’s actually pretty good at math

like he can explain a few things when it comes to math / algebra

CODING GO BRRRR

no geometry or calculus though, anything past algebra will go bad

if tubbo is doing homework with you, he will definitely tune you out

“hey tubbo can you help me on this question?”

you don’t get a response until like 20 minutes later

“oh yeah, what was it y/n?”

like now you answer? i just got the answer myself after so long, forget you smh

“oh nothing tubbo, nevermind!”

but you’re still grumbling in your head because if he answered just a bit earlier you wouldn’t have gone through the work of finding the answer online

i can also imagine if you’re taking chemistry tubbo is like ;

“oh you’re taking chemistry? let’s make some bombs!” /lh

tubbo would definitely pull an all-nighter with you to finish your projects together

if you had a group project, he would make you do the writing part while he does the drawing part

“we definitely aced this project”

“of course we did, if i made you draw we would’ve ended up with stick figure diagrams”

“TUBBO. THE FUCK?”

ranboo

okay i know ranboo said he isn’t a theatre or band kid (unless im wrong and forgetful) but i feel like he’d be somewhat educated in the topics nonetheless

half the time he’s great moral support, helping you stay motivated !

the other half is him making fun of you

“i cant believe you’re failing, that is so sad, can’t be me”

“it’s literally an honors class, ranboo! it’s supposed to be hard!!”

“taking an honors class willingly? also cant be me AHAHA”

i honestly can’t see ranboo going to school like i know he’s a minor and said he had zoom calls before and plays volleyball but like did i miss something? has he dropped out yet? like something about ranboo does not scream “student” /lh

besides that, i’m not sure what subject he would actually be good in,,, but something about nutrition/health sciences,, he knows a few things

don’t get me wrong, i don’t think he actually likes the subject but somehow remembers what he learned from the class

also gives me the type of energy of the type of person to take a first aid class to be a certified person to do cpr on someone just to kill time during his lunch breaks for a while or something

“i am a certified cpr person”

“my life in ranboo’s hands? oh god please no”

you two would probably joke about the ‘bad’ people in your classes or talk shit about your schools than actually doing anything homework related ngl AHAHAH

“you think your school is down bad? mine went back to campus full time after like 6 months into quarantine because they were running out of money”

“what the hell y/n? your school is a scam, drop out”

“arghhhh i knowww”

“i bet i make more money than your teachers combined AHAHAH”

wilbur soot

he doesn’t seem like the best person to ask for help for homework but can info dump you on very specific historical events + a bit of geography

i kinda see him as the person you can ask to proof read an essay for you and would help it improve immensely

who needs a thesaurus when you have vocabulary boy wilbur?

i dunno if it’s an american thing only or at all, but if/when you get to studying hamilton in your english class, he will get so fucking excited

“no wilbur it isn’t fun! imagine listening to lin-manuel miranda rap ‘alexander hamilton’ at the white house from like 2009 on repeat for over an hour whilst trying to write an analysis about it!! it was so distracting”

“well clearly someone has a personal problem with mr lin-manuel. if i were you, i’d be singing the whole thing”

is this last bit personal and complete spite from my freshman year english class? yes. i do not care? no. /hj

unrelated but i actually scribbled nice guy ballad lyrics and other songs on my english scratch papers in freshman year but anyway

probably isn’t the best person to be in a call to do homework with but wilbur doesn’t mind you ringing him occasionally sometimes

i dunno i can just see him easily get bored of the silence or something but also doesn’t want to bother you too much

but he is genuinely proud of you whenever you tell him you aced a big test you were studying for :D

philza

this man’s bad advice is as bad as him trying to help you on any subject

he’s an old man so /hj

but like honestly, he hasn’t been at school for so long, phil can probably only help with the most basic things when it comes to school

if you have a wack teacher that makes you collect data through surveying people, phil would be one of the best people to ask! straightforward and won’t take too much of your time compared to other people ahem,,

statistics things ! sobs

if you ever complain a lot about your classes and contemplating dropping out and stuff, he will def scold you hard

“ugh phillllllllll can i just like,, never go to school again?”

“do not drop out”

“argh fine, i won’t just ‘cause philza minecraft said so”

honestly if you get a high score in a big test like your sats/gcse’s (whatever you’re taking from wherever you are) he’d probably order you a small meal or something to celebrate :D

like how phil bought ranboo bought him food to his house, it would start as a joke but when you get your test scores back he’s like “YOOO GOOD JOB Y/N”

expect a left meat pizza coming to your house .

technoblade

like wilbur, techno is also helpful when it comes to history!

def knows a decent bit of literature too

besides that i don’t really see him being that helpful

even if he was supposed to be an english major

he will just get mad at the school system for teaching you useless things

“being in school is good but why do you need to know how to know if something is a triangle or not? i can obviously see with my eyes that it’s a triangle”

“i dunno! ask the person that made up geometry”

“just look at a kaleidoscope and be over with it, it isn’t that hard”

“that isn’t how it works—”

“bruhhh”

if you’re looking for the person to call while doing homework, he is not the person /lh

it’s either like 0 or 100 with techno

he can just completely not say anything and ignore you or go on a full rant about whatever class or homework you have

if you have an essay you need written, it will take a lot of bribing but he might take the opportunity if you are rich

“techno i’ll paypal you $10 please help me”

“no. i can make 10 times that amount in 5 minutes if i just started streaming right now”

“techno i don’t have that kind of money! pleaseee”

“no. instead of complaining, you can use that time to actually start you work”

“you’re the worst”

then you speedrun the essay and get an A just to spite him

#dream smp imagines #dream smp x reader #dream smp x y/n #dream smp headcanons #sbi imagine #sbi x reader #sbi headcanons #mcyt imagine #mcyt x reader #mcyt x y/n #mcyt x you #mcyt headcanons

[springday-aus]

Lifeguard!AU with Kuanlin

moodboard link

Group: solo / [formally] Wanna One

Member: Lai Kuanlin

Genre: fluff, romance

part of the Odd Summer Jobs!AU ⤗ introduction to the Summer Boys! 

check out the others on the au masterlist!

Type: Bulletpoint AU

Word Count: 1.7k

A/N: check out the other odd summer jobs!au on the au masterlist!

Kuanlin is the next Summer Boy! 

so, he works as a lifeguard

picture this: a lanky and gangly boy with too long of legs in some bright red board shorts with lil fire emojis on them and a lil waterproof lifeguard bag with a first aid emergency kit 

he’s CPR certified

(luckily he hasn’t had to use it yet)

anyways 

this kind of works a bit more differently than others would think

like he isn’t an official lifeguard of a pool or beach or something

but rather, he’s basically hired to supervise pool parties 

which are most typically children birthday parties

he’s mainly hired by the moms that throw the parties and the adults are too busy getting drunk or something

either way, he’s there to make sure no one drowns 

it’s not a hard job tbh

he actually really likes it 

bc all he does is get invited to pool parties, eat cake and chill with the other kids 

at first, when the other boys proposed the idea

he was hesitant 

like who needs someone to watch their kids swim like some type of creep

turns out lots of parents do 

well, at least in their neighborhood

Chenle, at some point: “the Karens just needed someone to make sure they could get loose” 

it all turned out better than he originally thought 

which is a good thing, but it was just... unexpected 

anyways 

he gets along with all ages so 

whoever is at the party, he easily gets along with 

ofc he’s keeping an eye on the people swimming and stuff 

(luckily nothing drastic has happened, it is children pool parties)

but he’s also chatting with other people and just vibing with them

so his friends list is kind of insane 

one time he was out with Jihoon and Hwiyoung 

and some fourteen year old from a birthday party had went up and started a conversation with him, catching up and all that

it was super funny 

especially due to the look on their faces like 

they were so confused 

honestly, they haven’t even seem him, like, work?

like they clearly know what he does, but they’re also confused as to how it looks 

Sanha: “so like. you just chill on the side? is there a lifeguard chair?” 

Kuanlin: “not exactly” 

Jihoon: “have you ever even had to save anyone?” 

Mingi: “isn’t it a good thing if he hasn’t?” 

speaking of which 

while most of the boys are working to save up some money 

he’s kind of just doing it for fun 

you know what that means? 

low rates lmao

you know what rich people like more than money?

being cheap

(which is how Kuanlin gets clients but like whatever) 

so, while there are some downsides to the job 

(primarily the parents that give him shit)

he does actually really like his job

there’s interesting people and interesting events that unfold at all these pool parties

(apparently Becky next door is trying to homewreck the Andersons and… some shit unfolded during her son’s birthday pool party… tea)

okay, so I can’t talk about Kuanlin and NOT mention his looks

tbh, most of the moms ask him to work for the parties, right?

but, like then see his face… and then ask him if he does pool cleanings too

it’s just to look at him, let’s be real—have you seen him?

because of the sudden demand for pool cleaning, Kaunlin also does pool cleanings

(for a higher price, obviously)

so this has become every bored, suburban mother’s wet dream in the neighborhood

you come into the picture when your family threw your cousin’s birthday party who’s turning like

five? six?

(in your defense, it’s hard to keep track of those things)

anyways, it also happened to be a pool party

so Kuanlin’s doing his thing and you’re just chilling on the side

but then a kid falls into the pool

it’s not a big deal because the kid’s got like floaties and stuff

and like Kuanlin calmly goes into the water and swoops the kid up

the kid is out of the water and the mother is scolding them, saying how they needed to be more careful and all that other parenting stuff

but doesn’t get you isn’t that he just came in and helped the kid

(because that’s… his job)

(but also bc you lowkey don’t remember that kid lmao)

what does get you (and nearly everyone else in close proximity) is how good he looks coming out of the pool

the water droplets run from his fingers to his hair and down his face, dripping down his chin and….

hmm, yup

he’s got your attention now

after he gets out, he heads towards your direction….

plopping down on the empty spot next to yours and wiping down the water with his towel

and you wanna say you were subtle with your staring

but you were absolutely not

like dude

have you seen him?

anyways

he’s just chilling so you try to make conversation

You: “nice whistle”

you point to the little pink whistle that’s on a little necklace chain

Kuanlin: “thanks, it was a gift”

You: “pink?”

Kuanlin: “yeah, I picked out the color”

You: “you know, if you looked hard enough you could probably find someone to customize it”

from that, you two hit it off

and when the party was over… you and him may or may not have left with a new number on your phones

you both kept in contact

and you’re both having a good time talking to one another and having good conversations

Kuanlin… he enjoys your company, even without you physically present

it was just like a super slow burn for anything to even really happen

bc most of the time, it was texting

like you’ll see each other sometimes in the neighborhood

he was doing his thing and you were doing yours

what changes is when you and him meet…. with a third party

that third party being…. no other than the Summer Boys!

you ran into Kuanlin as you were leaving the convenience store

y’all do the little greetings and play catch up and stuff

and some of the boys are just like

Kuanlin, honey—who is this

meanwhile the others (like Jaemin and Chenle) are like

HELLO, ANY PARTNER OF KUANLIN’S IS A PARTNER OF—wait that isn’t how that works

at some point in the introductions and chaos, Jisung and Taehyun are apologizing for the chaotic atmosphere

it’s fine tho bc you got the message

but like you didn’t see the flush on Kuanlin’s cheeks when you didn’t deny it

but like also…….. he didn’t say anything either

like neither of y’all did…. even as y’all went the entire day together

window shopping

movies

ice cream

all that fun stuff you in the summer—hanging out together was different from phone communication and y’all were definitely feeling it

even with the boys present

but like they just kind of fueled it bc

they thought y’all were already dating

like they spend a good chunk of time with Kuanlin and he looks so content as he chats with you

it’s like he’s able to talk about a lot of things with you

so when you were like, hello it’s me c:

they were like

so YOU’RE the one on the other side of the phone

and let y’all have more moments together throughout the day

with the occasional interruption

at the end of it all, he walks you home

Kuanlin: “I’m sorry if our presence kind of overwhelmed you”

You: “no! not at all! it’s been nothing but fun”

You: “you guys are very entertaining though”

Kuanlin: “it’s all fun and games until you’re banned from a movie theater”

You: “have you been banned from a movie theater???”

Kuanlin: “......that is a story for another time”

it’s kind of a short walk from where you were, but you and Kuanlin have deliberately walking slower……

eventually you get to your door and he kind of just lingers

and so do you

Kuanlin: “I guess I’ll just see you around?”

You: “yeah, and we can plan for next time?”

Kuanlin: “yeah”

he smiles, his teeth shining and his cheeks with a light blush

You: “hopefully….. it’s just the two of us next time?”

his cheeks flush to an even darker shade and silently nods

after that, you two did make some plans to hang out……………………. alone

movies

dinner

a walk in the park

all that good stuff

but it feels different from last time……… a good different

and after that…….. these dates just continue

Kuanlin is an interesting boyfriend

bc he’s kind of shy… but also not really?

he’s got a weird balance

and it works

bc he’s friendly but also not

it’s just weird to explain

this also means you have to take the initiative

sometimes he will but half of the time he’ll also back out of it

(unless you encourage him ofc)

anyways

dating lifeguard!Kuanlin means you being a horrible flirt and asking if he can do cpr on you

You: “help, you took my breath away” ;)

Kuanlin: “why are you like this”

kidding

but not really—he loves it, but he’s also super embarrassed whenever you use those cheesy lines

he still kisses you tho

also he likes to act super cool

we all know he’s a cutie

(he does aegyo for you when you ask, but he’s not anyone else exploit that)

(but we know he’s got that natural aegyo)

anyways

after the pool parties and such, you basically come to pick him and help him dry off before y’all go off on one of y’all’s dates or something

or sometimes you tag along with him

it’s interesting to really observe him and he’s really just chilling with a bunch of other kids younger than him

you also manage to make a couple of new friends at these parties too lmao

just a side note tho, for one date you two DID go out to get his lil pink whistle customized

(it’s got fire emojis to match his swimming trunks)

honestly tho, just the image of Kuanlin with the little sunscreen on his nose and bag is just so adorable

you have many candid photos of him on your phone and took two hours deciding which one would be the wallpaper vs the lockscreen

(there’s one where he’s in this matching floatie with this little girl, he’s trying to help her swim in the pool………………. super cute)

anyways

your dates are almost always interrupted by one or some of the Summer Boys

completely unintentional and intentional at the same time

it’s not a bad thing that you get along with them, but…..

when Kuanlin told them you two were officially dating……..

Lucas: “CALLED IT”

Jihoon: “you couldn’t hold it off a couple more days? I had a bet going with Jaemin—sTOP HITTING ME YOU TREE”

it’s okay, you don’t mind it because it’s all fun to observe the chaos that your boyfriend finds himself in

#admin grandma #grandma aus #aus #fluff #kpop #kpop aus #kpop imagines #kpop scenarios #lai kuanlin #wanna one #wanna one kuanlin #wanna one aus #wanna one imagines #wanna one scenarios #kuanlin #kuanlin aus #kuanlin imagines #kuanlin scenarios #odd summer jobs!au #odd summer jobs!kuanlin #lifeguard!au #lifeguard!kuanlin #group: wanna one #member: lai kuanlin

[talkfastromance4]

More (c.h) Chapter One

This is something I’ve been working on for awhile, more or less for my own fantasy granting joyness. Not sure how many parts this will be yet.

Summary: Single dad Calum doesn’t want to leave his son, Kai while he goes on tour. A nanny accompanies them and Kai isn’t the only one who falls in love.

author’s note: this is sort of a rushed intro lol sorry

Masterlist

*****

Calum was a bit of stickler when it came to love, especially because the woman he thought he loved left him after having his baby and leaving him on his doorstep with a quick written note, I’m sorry. A tiny bundle wrapped in a blue blanket with his birth certificate with no name except for Calum’s. His son, who Calum named Kai, is a spitting image of Calum, no ounce of his mother at all. He didn’t even know she was pregnant when they broke up but his three best friends were more than helpful.

Kai was one now, and although Calum didn’t think he was the world’s most perfect dad, he loved his little boy more than anything. He was his number one priority but Crystal and Sierra noticed how lonely Calum was even before Kai appeared in his life.

“He’s not going to want to go on a date, you know how much Jane hurt him when she ended it,” Michael says while he and Crystal are having lunch with Luke and Sierra.

“But we know the perfect girl!” Sierra insists. “She’s sweet, funny and she works with kids. We’ve wanted to set her up with Cal since before he and Jane even started dating.”

“I don’t know, I don’t think he’d want to try it,” Luke shakes his head.

“Also, remember that Calum has sworn off love,” Michael adds.

“But he hasn’t met—“

“Babe, I love you but let sleeping lions lie,” Michael tells Crystal and both girls slump back in their seats in defeat.

“So, we’ll be leaving on tour in like a month and a half,” Ashton begins at a meeting to discuss the tour schedule amongst other things. “And Cal, I know you don’t want to leave Kai, so . . . do you have any solutions?”

“Mali suggested I hire a nanny,” Calum says looking over at Kai who was playing with Luke across the way. “Which doesn’t sound like that bad of an idea. We’ll be gone for nine months, no way am I going to leave him behind.”

“That seems like a good idea. Have you been looking into anyone?” Michael asks.

“I’ve been researching a few agencies,” Calum nods, “but I haven’t interviewed anyone yet.”

“Want one of us to do it with you?” Ashton cocks an eyebrow.

“That’d be helpful actually, make sure I’m picking the right person.”

“Let us know when you have an interview,” Ashton says then Kai begins to whine and squirm in Luke’s arms.

“Naptime,” Calum sighs lifting his son from Luke. “Hey buddy, let’s go relax, yeah?” Kai quiets down a little but is still fussing when Calum takes him into his room.

“A nanny is a great idea,” Luke says, “she’d be with Kai while we do shows and interviews and things.”

“Yeah, and he’d still be with Cal,” Ashton agrees.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

 Calum asked Ashton to interview the ladies that he found on a secure, background checked site. They already spoke with five of them but none of them have really stuck out to Calum.

“What about Kate? She seemed good,” Ashton says.

“She’s too proper. I want someone who will be fun but will follow Kai’s schedule and will vibe with all of us. This is hopeless,” Calum rubs his face with his hands. “If we don’t find someone then I’ll have to leave Kai with my mum and I don’t really want to do that.”

“I know, man, don’t worry. We’ll find someone. Next one is Holly Golde.”

Calum does a double take when he hears the door open and sees the woman walking in. She has frosty blond hair, small stature and the biggest blue eyes he’s ever seen. She was wearing all black with a long gold necklace and her smile was radiant. Wow.

“Hi, I’m Holly it’s so great to meet you,” she smiles holding out her hand.

“Ashton, nice to meet you,” he shakes her hand. “And this is Calum, the father of that handsome fella over there.”

Holly turns her gaze to where Ashton is pointing to see Kai playing on a blanket with his favorite toys.

“He’s adorable,” Holly smiles again.

“Thanks for coming, I’m Calum Hood,” Calum greets and shakes her hand as well. He notices how soft they are against his rough ones. All three of them sit down. “So, have you been a nanny before?”

“No, I haven’t, but I went to school for child care, I work in the nursery at my church every Sunday and I’m CPR certified. I know the hours will be abnormal but I’m willing to help out anyway that I can. I love kids, they’re the best thing in the world.”

“And you’re sure you’ll be fine traveling to different countries with us?”

“I’ll manage it no problem,” she nods affirmatively.

“Can I ask how old you are?” Ashton asks.

“I’m twenty-three.”

“Holly,” Calum says and he likes how pretty it is, “We’ll be dealing with fans all over the world. Obviously if I’m not with you you’ll have security so that Kai doesn’t get bombarded with fans but will you be able to handle that? Being around all those people?”

“I’ll be honest, big crowds like that do frighten me a little bit but I promise you I won’t let anything bad happen to your son. I will make sure he’s safe and protected.”

“When—“

Just then Kai starts crying, all three of them turn their heads to see Kai has fallen backwards hitting his head on the floor that wasn’t covered by the blanket. His round face was pinched and red as tears flowed from his eyes. Calum stood up but Holly was faster and scooped him up in her arms.

“Hey there, baby, did you hit your head?” she holds him on her hip using her left hand to cradle his head. “I know it scared you more than anything, but that’s okay. Here, let’s go look for birdies outside, hm?” she walks him to the window and looks out of it, pointing and bouncing him gently in her arms. She’s talking in soothing tones to him and his cries turn to sniffles.

Calum has never seen Kai adjust to someone so instantaneously before, and be soothed that quickly from someone other than him and his friends. He saw his son’s small fingers clutch the fabric of Holly’s shirt as she continues to point outside which he does as well when he sees something.

Calum turns to look at Ashton whose eyebrows are raised in amazement and nods encouragingly. Holly was perfect.

“Holly, would you like to be our nanny?” Calum asks and she turns around. Kai is playing with a strand of her hair and smiles happily at his daddy.

“Really?!” her eyes widen happily.

“Yes,” Calum grins and pinches his son’s cheek. “I’ve never seen him be taken with someone so quickly before. You’re obviously qualified and . . . I have a good feeling about you. I trust you with him.”

“Thank you, Mr. Hood, I would love to.”

“Please, call me Calum,” he makes a face then laughs. “We’re the same age.”

“All right, Calum,” she laughs. “I accept the job. Thank you.”

“Our assistant is right through there, she’ll go over all the details and paperwork with you, make sure you have your passport and all that. But once that’s finished, we’ll be seeing you in a few weeks when we head to New York.”

“Sounds good, here you go,” she hands Kai to Calum. “I’ll head on back, and thank you again, this is an amazing opportunity.”

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

Before leaving for tour, Holly began to nanny for Kai about a week after she got the job. She wanted to make sure she got the hang of Kai’s schedule, and that he would become even more comfortable with her. Calum hated how he wasn’t home that much with Kai since they released the new single from the album, but appreciated having Holly.

He’d come home and the house would be clean, a majority of Kai’s toys would be put away, the dish washer would be runnng quietly and after the first few days, the laundry was done as well. She was impeccable at her job and Calum is extremely happy he hired her. Kai absolutely adores her.

“Hi,” Holly greets with a smile and the laundry basket jutted on her hip. “Kai’s been in bed for about an hour.”

“That’s good,” Calum sighs emptying his pockets of his keys and phones on the countertop. “And thank you for . . . everything. Guess I’m still getting the hang of being a single dad.”

“It’s not a problem at all, and I think you’re doing fine.” She begins to fold Kai’s onesies and his burp rags.

“Thank you, and I can’t tell you how grateful I am that you’ll be coming on tour with us,” he shakes his head and picks up some laundry and begins to fold. “It’d kill me to leave Kai with my parents.”

“Can I ask you a personal question? Please don’t feel obligated to answer, but, what happened to Kai’s mom?”

Calum took his time folding Kai’s onesie that reads ‘Daddy’s little rockstar,’ a gift from Ashton.

“She and I were together for about a year and a half, then out of the blue she broke up with me. No explanation just that it was over. I didn’t handle it well, and then nine months later, she left him on my doorstep with a note saying “I’m sorry.” His birth certificate and full custody papers were with him and it’s been me and him ever since.”

“Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry she did that to you,” she holds his forearm in sincerity. “You had no idea she was pregnant when she broke up with you?”

“Not a clue. I don’t know if that’s why she broke up with me, thinking I wouldn’t step up or something which is ironic because she’s the one who left. I struggled a bit at first, I didn’t know the first thing about babies, especially having one of my own. So my parents and sister helped out a lot for the first few months, even the guys did too.”

“Well, Kai is a very lucky little boy to have you as a dad.”

Just then Kai’s cries come through the baby monitor, they turn to it then to each other. Holly places her last folded article of clothing on the couch to go get him but Calum stops her by holding onto her wrist.

“I got it, I haven’t seen him all day,” he smiles. She returns the smile and watches him head down the hallway to Kai’s room.

She continues to fold the laundry and hears Calum’s voice soothe his son through the monitor that’s sitting on the coffee table.

“Hey baby, Daddy’s got you, yeah? You’re all right.”

Holly moves to turn the monitor down but stops when she hears him say her name.

“You like Holly don’t you? I’m glad you’re comfortable with her . . . and she’s very pretty isn’t she?”

Holly’s hand freezes midway to the volume dial; did she hear him correctly? He thinks she’s pretty? He doesn’t say anything else after that and she continues folding the laundry until he comes out a few minutes later. She prayed desperately that her cheeks weren’t rosy.

“Is he okay?” she asks.

“Yeah, I think he might be getting his first tooth. That’s going to be fun on tour,” he heaves a big sigh.

“We’ll manage,” she assures him with a smile and because she says so, he believes they will.

#calum hood #calum hood imagine #single dad!cal #calum hood 5sos #calum 5sos #ashton irwin #ashton irwin imagine #ashton irwin 5sos #michael cliffor #michael clifford icons #michael clifford 5sos #michael 5sos #luke hemmings #luke hemmings imagin #luke hemmings 5sos #luke 5sos #luke hemmings imagines #luke imagine #5sos

[fatalism-and-villainy]

I really don’t know how I feel about kink stuff, tbh. (Re: myself, not re: ~morals~ or w/e.)

Like, I was operating on the assumption that I must have something in common with this subculture, but the more and more I think about the less sure I am about what it is. I was scrolling through stuff about it the other day and it kind of made me feel Bad and vaguely panicky - granted, I was in kind of a bad emotional place in general at that time, and I am very squeamish about bodies and injuries (rich from someone’s who several times certified in first aid/CPR/WFA) so pictures of Eroticized Bruises are going to put me off (bruises are just very nnnnghhhhhhh human tissue being vulnerable nOPE), but a lot of it seemed to stem from “what the fuck are these people talking about, this is like nothing I’ve ever experienced in my life, where is this even coming from.”

It’s similar to top/bottom, butch/femme, I suppose stone-related stuff, in that having pre-inscribed “roles” attached to you just feels very unintuitive and kind of like an unpleasant/unfulfilling way of approaching sex (to me personally). And yes, I am aware that wanting mutuality is in fact the more “mainstream” way of wanting sex, and that I’m not, like, marginalized for having this POV, but. When you’re brainweird and this weird sex stuff and unorthodox approaches to sexual roles seems to come naturally to so many other brainweird people (even being treated as an extension of that weirdness), it’s easy to feel left out.

 And I think what I appreciated about kink approaches was the way they allowed for methods of deconstructing those roles that fell outside of the socially mediated “roles” that everyone takes for granted. But.... the roles are still there, still an expectation, and this whole approach of “i am inherently this way (dominant/submissive/etc/etc) and I can’t be fulfilled any other way,” is just. Not true for me and how I approach these things. 

(I guess that bit also relates to the rise of “born this way” style rhetoric in kink discourse. Which while I can understand as a response to invalidation, just doesn’t jive with the way I approach things. Because regardless of the truth value of any such statement regarding myself, I really don’t take pride in parts of myself being innate and unchangeable. In fact, it actually kind of makes me angry that I’m inescapably subject to my own neurochemistry, that our ability to self-determine is always going to be inherently held back by the limiting structures of our bodies and minds. Like, autism and aromanticism are the two things about myself that /do/ feel the most innate, and they’re the two things I have the most mixed feelings about. Whether or not that’s a chicken/egg response, idk... but making that lack of choice something to celebrate always puts me off.)

Um. Anyway, I guess the reason I’ve been thinking about this is because kink subcultures have always seemed like they would provide the kind of socialization and sexual negotiation that I’ve always talked about wanting (like, a lot of people on that post of epochryphal’s in response to mine were saying that they got that kind of Queer Friendship dynamic in kink spaces). But the problem is that I uhhhhh don’t Actually Have Any Kinks in a way that I feel would be meaningful to these people, because I’m not a dom or a sub or a masochist or a sadist. Pain is generally Bad, subspace sounds appealing but the assumption it’s something I could achieve seems like a failure of cause and effect cuz I’m pretty sure you actually have to be aroused by submission in order to get to that mental place, to make it distinguishable from just zoning out. The various sorts of sexual fixations I have on non-sexual things/aesthetics/whatever are also just not things that I really feel inclined to explore with actual people, and in fact in some cases I’d prefer not to (insert Sedgwick quote here). And I don’t Know of any other places that would approach sex in the way that’s most meaningful to me (regular queer spaces, from what I can tell, seem very Sanitized and talk-y and info 101-y and not very focused on the messy parts of the self). 

Also. also. This emphasis on “kink isn’t just about sex, it’s a Relationship Style,” and the way that what are essentially 24/7 relationships are being pushed to the forefront as the prototypical example of how kink functions (which is weird, because I feel like back in the day most of the people I saw online didn’t like 24/7 dynamics, or at least were skeptical of them as a starting off point in kink?) Like. I /need/ it to just be about sex. It doesn’t appeal to me otherwise. It’s not /unappealing/, it’s just unintelligible. I can’t understand the context unless it’s focused on some form of physical gratification, and I can’t understand the appeal if it’s not erotic, if it’s not about what is sexy. (This reminds me of back in the day when I was reading The Pervocracy, and they had that post about “if you think kink is just sex but hotter, then you’re probably not kinky, or you just don’t understand what it is” which holy shit does that still fuck me up and give off gatekeep-y vibes, and also what with the “vanilla sex is unfulfilling for many of us” refrain, wouldn’t you think that someone who thinks kink is hotter probably /is/ kinky, because it’s entirely possible that they’re also unfulfilled by vanilla sex???)

idk man. Why Can’t My Brain Just Be Weirder So I Can Have A Concrete Reason To Look For These Kinds of Spaces.     

#if you're kinky and secure about it idk? this might not exactly make you happy..... #it is in no way an 'anti-kink' post though so pls fuck off #kink adjacent blues #bad bi blogging #alpha is a bad neuroatypical

[fiveshots-nokills]

i’m in such a weird place right now?? i can’t decide whether my life is going well or poorly

like my therapist basically Confirmed that i have ADHD last night which is something i already lowkey knew but i’m glad she made it official so no one can tell me im a faker or w/e and she also said that my anxiety is part of that so rather than having like an actual anxiety disorder it’s just cuz my ADHD is overwhelming so that’s a bit of relief?? i’m not as fucked up as i thought lmao

but then like... my stepdad is such a pain in the ass and I can’t be in the same room as him for more than five minutes without us arguing about something because we’re polar opposites and it makes me sad bc i can tell that it stresses my mom out a lot that we don’t get along but like??? at this point it’s pretty much impossible for us to get along bc we have opposite beliefs and we’re both hella stubborn so neither of us are ever going to concede anything and i hate that my mom feels torn between agreeing w/ and protecting me, her daughter, and supporting her husband even if her husband is a dickbag just saying

Plus even though my grades are getting better they’re still honestly not that great? and as hard as i try i can’t seem to make any major improvements which is not fun

and then like prom is coming up and i’m excited about that so that’s good at least, and i have really great friends who i love and care about and i can tell them anything and i know i’m really lucky to have that

but the other thing my therapist and i worked out last night was that i am like incapable of getting a good night’s sleep which is why i’m tired 24/7 even when i go to sleep early (like i’ve tried going to bed at nine and getting 10+ hours of sleep and yet i still!! feel tired!! when i wake up) and i’m not really sure what i’m going to do about that i guess i could like start taking melatonin but i also don’t want to self-medicate but yeah insomnia fucking sucks but what else is new

exams are coming up too and i was supposed to read a book for my english final project but i didn’t even buy the book yet and i have no idea what’s going on in math and my science class is exhausting because it’s project-heavy and there’s never a break and i don’t think i’ve learned a single thing in my french class this year so i’ve no clue what i’m going to do about my finals and even though they’re like two months away i can’t help but stress over them and just ughghg my mind is a fucking mess

i’m glad i don’t have anxiety but like between ADHD making me think about everything and depression making me not want to think about anything and insomnia not letting me get enough sleep i feel like shit

i know this post seems really negative but i actually have a bunch of good and exciting things going on in my life right now (like prom, this weekend i’m getting CPR certified, i’ve made a lot of really good friends through overworst, i’m taking vocal lessons, i’m reading and writing for fun a lot more than i used to) but i can hardly even recognize those things

i’m also like. completely dependent on my therapist and our weekly meetings which probably isn’t super healthy and i have no idea how i’m going to cope when i got away to college but that is a problem for another day

i just want a good night’s sleep and i want to not constantly be at odds with someone i live with and i want my mom to not be stressed out and i want to have decent grades. like not even spectacular just a B in everything would be fine god is that so much to ask

god and another thing with my stepdad is that he’s super religious and i’m just... not because i’ve lost pretty much all faith in the catholic church ever being good when the head priest at my church started giving weekly speeches about how abortion was wrong and bad and that we need to support our “confused” LGBT youth to guide them back to the “path of christ” and anyway for those of you who don’t know it’s lent rn and you’re supposed to do good or give something up and i was basically like fuck it and he keeps giving me shit about it like ??? it’s not your fucking problem what i do with my life im just so bitter god

and on top of that (though this is a pretty small problem in comparison to the rest of this tbh) my basketball team got a shitty seed in the NCAA tournament and it’s just like. can i just have one good and exciting thing in my life? no? okay cool thanks @ god 

at least i have good music and video games and friends i guess

i’m sorry i’m all over the place this post is a disorganized mess

my therapist told me about this cool exercise though where basically you imagine a “special place” where you feel completely relaxed and safe and i have this pretty cabin in the woods with a cat and books and my games and my best friends and its just... it’s a nice place to pretend to be to cope so that’s nice i guess although idk how healthy it is to constantly live in your imagination

okay yeah i’m gonna stop now bc if i don’t this post will literally go on forever

#ignore this i just needed to get some thoughts out and it's a lot of negativity but you don't need to worry about me i'm fine really #i'm not posting this because i want attention i just... i need to put this somewhere

[eldritchsurveys]

922.

5k Survey XL

2051. Are more people depressed because they are alone, or are more people alone because they are depressed? >> Heh, 5k Survey Xtra-Large. Anyway, you can be surrounded by people -- people you love and who love you, even -- and be depressed. Depression does not fucking care about your actual life situation or anything else but keeping you in its mind-altering grasp for as long as it possibly can. 2052. Have you ever gotten a mug, t-shirt, key chain, etc. that was personalized with your picture? >> Nope. 2053. What was the last thing that you experienced for the first time? >> This drink from Cafe Boba that I took one sip of and instantly hated. It was supposed to be jasmine green tea with lychee, which sounded like a pleasant, refreshing drink with maybe a bit of sweetness (to counteract my very savoury and rather fatty lunch). It actually tasted like a goddamn syrup dispenser. I was pissed. 2054. If you were going to die tomorrow and you were leaving a postcard for someone to read after you were gone what would it say? >> I wouldn’t do that. 2055. If you were about to be executed what would your last request be? >> How would I know? I can’t imagine being in this situation at all.

2056. What kinds of people do you find intimidating? >> I don’t really find people intimidating. I’ve been on the receiving end of that impression many times and knowing how strange and irrational it seems to hear that from people made it kind of hard for me to experience the feeling myself, I guess. People are just people. 2057. How much conviction do you have in your feelings and beliefs? >> I don’t really care about having conviction, so not a lot, I guess. I just think what I think until/unless the time comes for me to change my mind. 2058. In your house where is the: crazy glue? I’m not sure we have any right now, but if so, it’s probably in the right-most drawer on the east side of our kitchen. flashlight? We don’t have one of those either. We use the flashlight feature on our phones. 2059. Out of everyone you know who has the most personality? >> I don’t know how to quantify this. 2060. If you could go back in time to experience a musical movement or era, which one would you choose to live through? >> --- 2061. Do you suffocate people with your love? >> I am on the direct opposite end of the spectrum from this. 2062. Do you feel your life is charmed? >> I don’t know what this means. 2063. What character do you identify the most with from Winnie the Pooh? >> Eeyore. But also Rabbit, lol. 2064. When do you do your best thinking? >> I’m not sure. 2065. What motivates you? >> I’m also not sure of this. Motivation is very hard for me to muster. 2066. Look back at all the people you’ve dated. Has there been a pattern? >> Sparrow and I were talking about “types” in dating the other day because of a conversation she had at work, and I concluded that the reason there’s been no real pattern in my dating history is because... most of the time when I dated someone, it’s because he asked me out. I just went along with it because I... assumed that’s what you do, I guess. Like, if I wasn’t immediately repulsed by a person, then I was like “yeah, sure, okay”. So it’s not like I was actively picking these people to date as much as they picked me and I wasn’t opposed to it. The first person I remember pursuing is Hallie, and that was such a bass-ackwards and awful choice that I’m surprised I got it right the very next time around (Sparrow). 2067. Things change but what will always remain the same for you? >> The fact of things changing. 2068. Is divorce something you would ever consider or do you feel that marriage is permanently binding? >> I mean, of course I would consider it, if I had to. Nothing is permanently binding except the eventuality of death. 2069. What’s the strangest movie you ever saw? >> Oh, there’s a few. Antichrist comes to mind, of course, but also Enter the Void and Beyond the Black Rainbow, neither of which I finished because they were way too esoteric for me. I find Antichrist, and Mandy and mother! and such, to be just the right kind of strange for me and I gravitate to those kinds of movies hard. 2070. If you could go into virtual reality and set up your life there to be perfect and it would seem real but not be real would you trade your life now for the virtual life? >> I’d really rather not get involved with that at all. 2071. Does it seem like life is more difficult for you than for anyone else? >> When I’m depressed, sure. That’s part of the self-focused, excessively negative worldview shit. But normally, I understand that that’s not a logical way to think. 2072. What are you grateful for? >> You know, stuff. I’m not going to make a list right now. 2073. What was a choice that you didn’t want to make but you had to? >> I can’t think of one right now. 2074. Have you ever had dental surgery? >> I had a tooth pulled, does that count as surgery... I’m not sure where the line is. 2075. At what point exactly are you grown up? >> There is no “grown up”, it’s all just... some kind of complex illusion that people create to determine when they should stop watching cartoons or whatever. ...I mean, maybe I’m being a bit harsh, but I’m sick of the whole concept because it just never meant anything to me and even in my thirties I don’t get it. 2076. If there was a weight loss procedure that would destroy your ability to taste food so you wouldn’t be tempted by junk food, would you have it done? >> I stopped at “if there was a weight loss procedure”. Just fuck off with that. 2077. What is one thing that happened that you never expected? >> Like, in general? A majority of the stuff that’s happened to me, dude. 2078. If you called one of your friends and they said “It’s nothing personal but I don’t want to talk to anyone right now,” would you take it personally? >> First of all, bold of you to think I call people. But okay, say I messaged someone or something. I would take it a little personally at first, like it’d sting, but ultimately I’d respect that boundary and hope that it just means they’re focused on something in their life right now and don’t have the time/energy, but will probably come talk some other time. I’ve zero problem with that and don’t mind waiting, I just... often have the impression that I have no value to other people so I automatically assume they’re never going to talk to me again, lol. 2079. What is your favorite girl’s name? >> --- 2080. Do you ever feel guilty for being more fortunate then others? >> I sometimes experience something that reminds me of the concept of survivor’s guilt -- I made it out of being broke and homeless in NYC like so many other young, non-white, queer people, though not through any real work of my own (unless you count maintaining a long-distance relationship for a few years as work, which, okay, yeah), and there are so many people that just... will end up falling through the cracks, or getting into progressively more fucked-up situations, or dying, or whatever. And that sucks. Sometimes I wonder if I deserve to have made it out, or whether I’m doing enough to be worthy of it, although I know that’s a really fallacious way to think. 2081. If you had to wear a shirt with one word on it for a year, what word would you choose? >> Like, if I was a cartoon character, what would my shirt be? I’m not sure, but it’d probably be something a little ridiculous. 2082. What is evian spelled backwards? >> I’m sure you don’t need me to tell you. 2083. You drop 10 pounds of feathers and a ten pound bowling ball off the top of the same building. Which will hit the ground first? >> I don’t know. I guess it would depend if the 10lb of feathers was all in a single container or just... freely falling feathers, wouldn’t it? 2084. Even though you may never get what you want, are you happy because you’re trying? >> I’m not happy because I’m trying, I’m trying because the only other choice is to stop trying at all and that’s... no longer acceptable to me, I guess. 2085. If you started a petition what would it be about? >> I wouldn’t. 2086. When was the last time you asked someone to do something and they said no? >> I don’t remember. 2087. Do bad things happen to you on friday the 13th? >> Not that I’ve paid any specific attention to. I imagine bad things can happen on that day with the same or similar likelihood as any other day, but I wouldn’t focus on the fact that it’s Friday the thirteenth. 2088. What’s your favorite:  Madonna song? Again, just picking a song I like at random. Like a Prayer. John Lennon song? Michael Jackson song?  Doors song? The End. Rolling Stones song? Gimme Shelter. David Bowie song? (Fuck, like... half of his fucking oeuvre???) Space Oddity. Elvis song? If I Can Dream. 2089. If you had started a relationship with someone and they said that it would be best if no one knew about it just to see how it goes, would you be offended? >> I wouldn’t be offended, I would just hear alarm bells in my head. Definitely not a situation I’d like to be in, period. 2090. Do you know any self defense? >> No. I’ve picked up random tips over the years, but that’s all. Nothing I’ve really practiced, per se. How about CPR? >> No. I more-or-less know how it goes, but I’m not certified or anything. 2091. If you had to look into a mirror and see your naked soul stripped of all delusions and pretenses (Never ending Story style)could you handle it? >> Damn, I don’t even remember that part from Neverending Story, really gotta rewatch that, huh. Hopefully it’s still on HBO but it might be gone by now, I think it was on the “last chance to watch this” list recently. Anyway, I don’t know if I could handle that or not. Not sure what it would even feel or look like. 2092. Are you a genius? >> No. 2093. How did you find out that Santa Clause wasn’t real? >> I was never taught about him in the first place. 2094. Which is your favorite tarot card? >> Either Death or The Sun. Or The Hermit, that’s always a good one. Oooh, the Magician’s good too... this is tough. I love tarot. 2095. Does the internet separate people or connect them? >> I guess it does a fair amount of both, depending. 2096. Have you ever written a letter to a soldier? >> No. 2097. Does pain and fear make you feel alive? >> Er... I mean, that’s... I’m not sure how to answer that. Pain and fear often make me feel like I want to stop being alive, to be honest... 2098. Are you: good looking? Not answering that. thin? Eh. Not so much. happy? Sometimes. successful? At what? confident? Not particularlyl. 2099. Are you deciseive or wishy washy? >> It depends on what kind of decision I’m making and how much energy I have to make that kind of decision. 2100. Do you feel pop stars should be morally responsible to set a good example for their fans? >> I don’t think so, no. I think at some point, young people have to learn to discern what kind of behaviour they’re going to emulate and what kind of behaviour they don’t want to emulate, and seeing people behave in a variety of ways and figuring out how they feel about those behaviours helps with that discernment. Besides, celebrities are people, not fucking... archetypes, or heroic figures, or something. The fact that we treat this certain subset of human being like they should be something “greater” than human is more than a little weird to me (although I do recognise it’s probably something we’ve been doing in various forms or another for centuries, if not longer).

#surveys #survey #5000 question survey

[parentingguide8-blog]

30 People Confess The Most Embarrassing Thing Their Parents Ever Did

New Post has been published on https://parentinguideto.com/must-see/30-people-confess-the-most-embarrassing-thing-their-parents-ever-did/

30 People Confess The Most Embarrassing Thing Their Parents Ever Did

Found on AskReddit.

1. Dad had a giant boner where the tip was poking out of his stupid tight swimming trunks.

We were having a sweet sixteen for a family friend which was a pool party and I was invited being the same age as the birthday girl, the adult had their section over by the grill (naturally) where the hot tub was well. My dad unfortunately had the task of lifeguard since he was the only one that was CPR certified for his job. When I look over, the other adults had gone in and he was alone tending the grill and keeping an eye on the 20 other teens (most of them girls) lounging and playing games in the pool. As we walks over to the other side to pick up trash or whatever one of the girls yells EWWW and points at my dad. He had a giant boner where the tip was poking out of his stupid tight swimming trunks. And I was known as the son of a pedophile. I changed schools and that was that.

2. My mom accused me of sucking dick because I had zits.

My mom just said earlier that when she was younger, shed get zits on certain parts of her face for reasonsand her brother knew. You’ve been sucking that dick, haven’t you?

3. My mother would dress me as a girl when I cried because only girls cry.

My mother would dress me as a girl when I would cry when I was around 3 years old because only girls cry.

4. Dads horseplay left me nude in front of my friends.

I believe I was in third grade when this happened. I had two of best friends to my house for a sleepover and we were doing something in the living room when it was time for dinner. My dad thought it would be funny to take me to the dining room by picking me up by my feet and carrying me upside down. The only problem was that I was wearing sweatpants and when he lifted me he was grabbing more pant than ankle. I was in the air for a few seconds before I fell out of my pants onto the floor bottomless and dazed. Out of the sweats and boxers and all. I immediately ran away, Porky Pig style to cry in private. My dad came and tried to apologize but couldn’t stop laughing. At the time it was the most embarrassed I’d ever been. In retrospecthilarious.

5. Dad danced naked and projectile-vomited at a Christmas party.

My parents would hold a Christmas cocktail party every year. One year, my parents hired my sister and my sister’s best friend, let’s call her Patty since that was her name, to act as circulating cocktail waitresses, bringing drinks and finger foods to all the guests. They probably had 20 or 25 guests.

Dad got hammered. Woo-hoo, boy-howdy D-R-U-N-K. like in the movies, lampshade on the head drunk. Mom angrily sends Dad upstairs for a while.

The master bedroom was directly over the living room. All of a sudden, the guests start hearing these…noises from right above their heads. In her annoyance, my mother sends 15yo Patty, my sister’s best friend, upstairs to check.

And she proceeds to find my father, naked as the day he was born, jumping on the bed like a hyperactive 4yo, his manhood flapping in the breeze.

“Mr. Smith, are you OK? Patty asks, shocked to her core.

“I’m ” Dad exclaims, and then goes all Regan-from- on her. Just projectile vomiting everywhere. Covered the bed, two walls, a full-length mirror…an oscillating lawn sprinkler of puke.

Patty didn’t get married until her early 40s. I am convinced this incident had an impact on that situation.

My mother and father had a passionate, tempestuous relationship. But in the 24 years they were married, I don’t think I ever saw her as angry as I saw her that night and….for like the next two months. It took some other husband in her Junior League circle of friends to get caught banging a babysitter or something for my mother to get over it. It was just….

6. They made my brother and I wear matching outfits every day until we were 11.

Made my brother and I wear matching outfits every day until we were 11.

7. Mom is a little too open about her yeast infections.

My mom was on the phone with her doctor because she had thrush or something in her mouth. The doc said it’s probably a yeast infection. She immediately says Oh how strange. I usually get them on the other end! What the fuck, mom?

8. Mom nodded out from drugs and began snoring during my choir recital.

My mother liked drugsshe was high-functioning during the day at the time of this story but in the evening she partied. I begged her not to go to my high school freshman year Winter Concert (choir, and I had a solo). Second row there she was, positioned right in front of me with the lights from the stage illuminating her face…as she nodded out, and began to snore. I want to crawl inside of myself.

9. Mom clogged a motel toilet and bragged to the maintenance man.

My mother and I were staying at a hotel when I was around 15, and she took one of her epic dumps and clogged the toilet, so she had to call the front desk and have them send a maintenance guy. Guy walks in, he’s around 25, beautiful (of course), and my mother jokingly says to him, So now you have to guess which one of us has the huge colon.

10. They found my condoms and then gave me sex tips.

Found my condoms when they helped me move out of my freshman dorm. Then gave me sex tips.

11. My dad used to freestyle whenever I had friends over.

My dad used to freestyle whenever I had friends over. We are 100% white and I grew up, mostly, in the country. The one that I always remember happening was about diarrhea. Looking back though my dad was spittin hit fire in the 90s. He needs to drop a mixtape.

12. Mom would give me permission to go out with friends or to a sleep over and then report me as a missing person to the police.

After my Dad died in 1999, my Mom went a little nutty. She would give me permission to go out with friends or to a sleep over and then report me as a missing person to the police. Do you know what it’s like to be at a sleepover and have the cops come down the driveway for you? My friend’s Dad was PISSED. And then I get home and she like Oh, I’m so glad you’re alive. The police got sick of her and I got a cellphone.

13. My parents made out with each other at a party to embarrass me.

At my fourteenth birthday party my mom was lying on the couch while my friends and I all ate pizza in the dining room. My back was to the living room so I was the only person who couldn’t see my mom. Suddenly my friends all started to giggle. I turned around to see my father slowly crawling on top of my mother to make out with her. I guess I should mention that my parents weren’t ever affectionate with one another and that this was done purposefully to embarrass me.

14. My dad has horrible gas. HORRIBLEas in quantity and quality.

My dad has horrible gas. HORRIBLEas in quantity and quality. I’m pretty sure he emits toxic fumes. Anyway, when I was a kid he refused to contain or excuse himself to privacy like a normal person. He perfected the skill of nonchalant farting. He swore if he acted normal, no one would know he had passed gas. The icing was that he told a select few family and friends about this habit, so he knew those people would fidget and get uncomfortable when they realized he had dropped a stealth bomb; their uneasiness would make other people think they were the offender and not him. Needless to say, it was very embarrassing, but my dad was calm enough about it thatyes, people would often carry on like they didn’t smell it. This went on for years. My mom got sick when I was pretty young. She had early onset Alzheimer’s which for her meant she had no filter for many years prior to her diagnosis. So she started calling my dad out whenever he did it. Loudly. It was horriblehorrible to be the child of the man who is constantly farting around other people and the woman who shouted at him to shame him for doing it. In hindsight it’s kind of funny.

15. Dad ran away screaming from a mall interviewer.

Was with my dad at the mall, and you know the people who approach you to answer the surveys?? Well, this lady picked the wrong person, AKA my dad.

Sir, do you have time to answer some questions?

(Screams at the top of his lungs, puts up his hood and screams NOOOOOOOOOO NOOOO, while running away)

Leaving me there like.

16. There mom was, waddling around with this massive stomach talking about having too much gas, and calling my Dad’s new girlfriend a whore for being in a relationship outside of marriage.

Some backstory to add to how embarrassed I felt. My mother’s family was working class, many of which were trashy. My mother was clearly one of the trashy ones. My fathers family were immigrants, but all became wealthy somewhat early on and were a bit more refined. Anyway, not that important, but basically there was just this perceived dynamic that my mom was trashy and me and my brothers were always self-conscious about that.

So fast-forward a few years, my parents split up. In a few years my mom gets pregnant. Which you know was to he expected honestly. But then because she is aware of how my father’s family (who were grew up with more, and were still very close with) viewed her. So she knew this was just going to be icing on the cake for them. She basically decided to deny the pregnancy. No problem, right? If she wants to buy herself a month or two, go ahead.

Well, my genius mom decided she was going to deny the pregnancy the whole way through. How would she handle the birth of the twins she was carrying? She had no clue, till this day we have no idea what she thought she was going to do.

But basically she forced us to play along and waited until she was 5 months pregnant, and huuuuge to finally admit (basically my dad just said to her we all know and have known for a month at least) it.

But yea there she was, waddling around with this massive stomach talking about having too much gas, and calling my Dad’s new girlfriend a whore for being in a relationship outside of marriage. Speaking about it now, it’s the funniest thing I have ever heard ofbut at the time I felt immense shame.

17. My mother elbowed me in the ribs and stated, This is the nude scene.

My parents, who were quite conservative, took 12-year-old me to see a production of My mother elbowed me in the ribs and stated, This is the nude scene.

18. In front of my football team, Mom yelled, BYE JACOB, MOMMY LOVES YOU and wouldnt leave until I said love you back.

When I was 13 years old my mother dropped me off for football practice and when I was getting out of the car she said love you. wanting to look cool in front of my friends I didnt say it back, she said it again and I had joined my friends and closed the door. So of course the only logical thing to do was roll down the window and yell at the top of her lungs, BYE JACOB, MOMMY LOVES YOU and wouldnt leave until I said love you back. What a nightmare.

19. My dad sits on the couch in his underwear while typing on his MacBook and quoting Monty Python.

Not really a specific time, but when my friends come over (or any time really), my dad sits on the couch in his underwear while typing on his MacBook and quoting Monty Python. After a while of this, he will pick up his over 80-year-old saxophone and proceed to blast everyone’s eardrums with his improv jazz. Embarrassed me as a kid, but now I have the most chill dad out of my friends.

20. Mom put the ‘sag’ on in front of our whole school.

7th grade story. My mom hated the whole sagging-your-pants fad and threatened to sag her pants in front of my whole school if i continued to do it. Fast-forward to a nice and busy morning in the parking lot in front of the school where students were dropped off. I get out of the car, pants sagging along. She screams out the window to pull up my pants. I pretend like I dont hear her. She honks 5+ times to have everyones attention and proceeds to get out with her sweat pants down below her ass cheeks, granny panties flopping in the wind walking like a duck all while yelling mijo look! Needless to say I never sagged my pants again.

21. My mom complains about food to the staff in restaurants.

My mom complains about food to the staff in restaurants. The last time we ate she ordered fish and chips, she told the waiter it looks like it’s from McDonald’s. It makes me cringe inside forever.

22. My mom showed up to my school while I was in class to scold me for forgetting to take me ADHD medication.

My mom showed up to my school while I was in class to scold me for forgetting to take me ADHD medication. Like full-on screaming while I sat silently in horror while my classmates laughed. She interrupted an entire class to do this. To paint a better picture, my mom is like Lois from

23. My dad pushed me off my scooter in the middle of the high street and rode off on it.

My dad pushed me off my scooter in the middle of the high street and rode off on it. He also put rap music on his car and sang along with the windows open through the town

24. Dad was a snoring/farting machine.

My dad had a form of narcolepsy; he slept everywhere he went, people would stare at him all the time. The embarrassing part of this is, when he was asleep, he would let huge farts rip with no shame sometimes. I do miss him, though, even though he was a snoring/farting machine. To be more descriptive, imagine sitting in a crowded doctors waiting room or some other such public places. Your father is sitting next to you, sawing logs as loud as he can, all of a sudden he leans over and lets one rip. Simultaneously he lets out a loud AWWWWWWWWWWW to trumpet his ass-jiggling flatulence. Then in the end none of this would wake him up.

25. On the phone with my friend and my dad comes into my room to scream at me for getting period blood on my panties….after my very first period.

TMI incoming…On the phone with my friend and my dad comes into my room to scream at me for getting period blood on my panties….after my very first period. My friend on the phone heard everything and i couldnt even bear to keep talking, so i just hung up.

26. Dad made his butt talk in front of my friends.

I was watching TV with some friends, and my dad came out of his room, stood in front of the TV with his back to us, pulled his shorts down to expose his butt, and grabbed his butt cheeks to make them talk and say I have bad breath.

27. My grandpa would insult other kids out loud during baseball games.

Not my parents, but at my brother’s baseball games my grandpa will sit in the bleachers and insult the other kids out loud, oftentimes to the parents of those children themselves. Examples include _____ is such a fuckin’ jerk or He’d be a good first baseman if he didn’t suck tits.

28. My father wore a “Huggies #1” hat because he knew it embarrassed his sons.

My father wore a Huggies #1 hat, like the diaper brand, that he found on the side of the road. He wore it whenever he went anywhere with me or my bros for a few years.

He did it solely because he knew it embarrassed his boys. He loved trolling us.

It’s now in his garage collecting dust, and I want it… but he won’t let me have it because it’s his favorite hat.

Oh, and he did wear it again recently when we went pier fishing on a visit. Still embarrassing, but I see the humor now, too.

29. Mom yells at retail workers.

Im always humiliated when my mom yells at retail workers…or waiters…she seems to have no concept of when a problem is actually someone’s fault or not. Like, the lady behind the cash register has no control over the irregular sizing of the Old Navy jeans.

30. My dad mowed the lawnWITH me.

My dad is a bit of a control freak, especially so about his lawn and garden. My father didn’t make me mow the lawn. I was not ALLOWED to. To be totally honest, by and large he didn’t like the idea of teaching me how to do any man stuff, he’d prefer to just do it and be done with it. I am a super-advanced flashlight holder and beer fetcher, though.

One summer he had reconstructive shoulder surgery. Dad, come on, you can’t be pushing the mower around with your arm in a sling. It isn’t rocket science. I am happy to do it for you.

He hemmed and hawed for awhile but finally conceded I would probably have to do it. He gave me the the super-complicated instructions of pull cord, push around in straight line before doing the most embarrassing thing he’s ever done to me.

He walked with me, his good hand on the mower, for the entire duration of mowing his front and back lawn.

I was like 26 at the time. TWENTY-SIX.

I was married and living on my own at the time. Also I am a dude.

Read more: http://thoughtcatalog.com/

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30 People Confess The Most Embarrassing Thing Their Parents Ever Did

Found on AskReddit.

1. Dad had a giant boner where the tip was poking out of his stupid tight swimming trunks.

We were having a sweet sixteen for a family friend which was a pool party and I was invited being the same age as the birthday girl, the adult had their section over by the grill (naturally) where the hot tub was well. My dad unfortunately had the task of lifeguard since he was the only one that was CPR certified for his job. When I look over, the other adults had gone in and he was alone tending the grill and keeping an eye on the 20 other teens (most of them girls) lounging and playing games in the pool. As we walks over to the other side to pick up trash or whatever one of the girls yells EWWW and points at my dad. He had a giant boner where the tip was poking out of his stupid tight swimming trunks. And I was known as the son of a pedophile. I changed schools and that was that.

2. My mom accused me of sucking dick because I had zits.

My mom just said earlier that when she was younger, shed get zits on certain parts of her face for reasonsand her brother knew. You’ve been sucking that dick, haven’t you?

3. My mother would dress me as a girl when I cried because only girls cry.

My mother would dress me as a girl when I would cry when I was around 3 years old because only girls cry.

4. Dads horseplay left me nude in front of my friends.

I believe I was in third grade when this happened. I had two of best friends to my house for a sleepover and we were doing something in the living room when it was time for dinner. My dad thought it would be funny to take me to the dining room by picking me up by my feet and carrying me upside down. The only problem was that I was wearing sweatpants and when he lifted me he was grabbing more pant than ankle. I was in the air for a few seconds before I fell out of my pants onto the floor bottomless and dazed. Out of the sweats and boxers and all. I immediately ran away, Porky Pig style to cry in private. My dad came and tried to apologize but couldn’t stop laughing. At the time it was the most embarrassed I’d ever been. In retrospecthilarious.

5. Dad danced naked and projectile-vomited at a Christmas party.

My parents would hold a Christmas cocktail party every year. One year, my parents hired my sister and my sister’s best friend, let’s call her Patty since that was her name, to act as circulating cocktail waitresses, bringing drinks and finger foods to all the guests. They probably had 20 or 25 guests.

Dad got hammered. Woo-hoo, boy-howdy D-R-U-N-K. like in the movies, lampshade on the head drunk. Mom angrily sends Dad upstairs for a while.

The master bedroom was directly over the living room. All of a sudden, the guests start hearing these…noises from right above their heads. In her annoyance, my mother sends 15yo Patty, my sister’s best friend, upstairs to check.

And she proceeds to find my father, naked as the day he was born, jumping on the bed like a hyperactive 4yo, his manhood flapping in the breeze.

“Mr. Smith, are you OK? Patty asks, shocked to her core.

“I’m ” Dad exclaims, and then goes all Regan-from- on her. Just projectile vomiting everywhere. Covered the bed, two walls, a full-length mirror…an oscillating lawn sprinkler of puke.

Patty didn’t get married until her early 40s. I am convinced this incident had an impact on that situation.

My mother and father had a passionate, tempestuous relationship. But in the 24 years they were married, I don’t think I ever saw her as angry as I saw her that night and….for like the next two months. It took some other husband in her Junior League circle of friends to get caught banging a babysitter or something for my mother to get over it. It was just….

6. They made my brother and I wear matching outfits every day until we were 11.

Made my brother and I wear matching outfits every day until we were 11.

7. Mom is a little too open about her yeast infections.

My mom was on the phone with her doctor because she had thrush or something in her mouth. The doc said it’s probably a yeast infection. She immediately says Oh how strange. I usually get them on the other end! What the fuck, mom?

8. Mom nodded out from drugs and began snoring during my choir recital.

My mother liked drugsshe was high-functioning during the day at the time of this story but in the evening she partied. I begged her not to go to my high school freshman year Winter Concert (choir, and I had a solo). Second row there she was, positioned right in front of me with the lights from the stage illuminating her face…as she nodded out, and began to snore. I want to crawl inside of myself.

9. Mom clogged a motel toilet and bragged to the maintenance man.

My mother and I were staying at a hotel when I was around 15, and she took one of her epic dumps and clogged the toilet, so she had to call the front desk and have them send a maintenance guy. Guy walks in, he’s around 25, beautiful (of course), and my mother jokingly says to him, So now you have to guess which one of us has the huge colon.

10. They found my condoms and then gave me sex tips.

Found my condoms when they helped me move out of my freshman dorm. Then gave me sex tips.

11. My dad used to freestyle whenever I had friends over.

My dad used to freestyle whenever I had friends over. We are 100% white and I grew up, mostly, in the country. The one that I always remember happening was about diarrhea. Looking back though my dad was spittin hit fire in the 90s. He needs to drop a mixtape.

12. Mom would give me permission to go out with friends or to a sleep over and then report me as a missing person to the police.

After my Dad died in 1999, my Mom went a little nutty. She would give me permission to go out with friends or to a sleep over and then report me as a missing person to the police. Do you know what it’s like to be at a sleepover and have the cops come down the driveway for you? My friend’s Dad was PISSED. And then I get home and she like Oh, I’m so glad you’re alive. The police got sick of her and I got a cellphone.

13. My parents made out with each other at a party to embarrass me.

At my fourteenth birthday party my mom was lying on the couch while my friends and I all ate pizza in the dining room. My back was to the living room so I was the only person who couldn’t see my mom. Suddenly my friends all started to giggle. I turned around to see my father slowly crawling on top of my mother to make out with her. I guess I should mention that my parents weren’t ever affectionate with one another and that this was done purposefully to embarrass me.

14. My dad has horrible gas. HORRIBLEas in quantity and quality.

My dad has horrible gas. HORRIBLEas in quantity and quality. I’m pretty sure he emits toxic fumes. Anyway, when I was a kid he refused to contain or excuse himself to privacy like a normal person. He perfected the skill of nonchalant farting. He swore if he acted normal, no one would know he had passed gas. The icing was that he told a select few family and friends about this habit, so he knew those people would fidget and get uncomfortable when they realized he had dropped a stealth bomb; their uneasiness would make other people think they were the offender and not him. Needless to say, it was very embarrassing, but my dad was calm enough about it thatyes, people would often carry on like they didn’t smell it. This went on for years. My mom got sick when I was pretty young. She had early onset Alzheimer’s which for her meant she had no filter for many years prior to her diagnosis. So she started calling my dad out whenever he did it. Loudly. It was horriblehorrible to be the child of the man who is constantly farting around other people and the woman who shouted at him to shame him for doing it. In hindsight it’s kind of funny.

15. Dad ran away screaming from a mall interviewer.

Was with my dad at the mall, and you know the people who approach you to answer the surveys?? Well, this lady picked the wrong person, AKA my dad.

Sir, do you have time to answer some questions?

(Screams at the top of his lungs, puts up his hood and screams NOOOOOOOOOO NOOOO, while running away)

Leaving me there like.

16. There mom was, waddling around with this massive stomach talking about having too much gas, and calling my Dad’s new girlfriend a whore for being in a relationship outside of marriage.

Some backstory to add to how embarrassed I felt. My mother’s family was working class, many of which were trashy. My mother was clearly one of the trashy ones. My fathers family were immigrants, but all became wealthy somewhat early on and were a bit more refined. Anyway, not that important, but basically there was just this perceived dynamic that my mom was trashy and me and my brothers were always self-conscious about that.

So fast-forward a few years, my parents split up. In a few years my mom gets pregnant. Which you know was to he expected honestly. But then because she is aware of how my father’s family (who were grew up with more, and were still very close with) viewed her. So she knew this was just going to be icing on the cake for them. She basically decided to deny the pregnancy. No problem, right? If she wants to buy herself a month or two, go ahead.

Well, my genius mom decided she was going to deny the pregnancy the whole way through. How would she handle the birth of the twins she was carrying? She had no clue, till this day we have no idea what she thought she was going to do.

But basically she forced us to play along and waited until she was 5 months pregnant, and huuuuge to finally admit (basically my dad just said to her we all know and have known for a month at least) it.

But yea there she was, waddling around with this massive stomach talking about having too much gas, and calling my Dad’s new girlfriend a whore for being in a relationship outside of marriage. Speaking about it now, it’s the funniest thing I have ever heard ofbut at the time I felt immense shame.

17. My mother elbowed me in the ribs and stated, This is the nude scene.

My parents, who were quite conservative, took 12-year-old me to see a production of My mother elbowed me in the ribs and stated, This is the nude scene.

18. In front of my football team, Mom yelled, BYE JACOB, MOMMY LOVES YOU and wouldnt leave until I said love you back.

When I was 13 years old my mother dropped me off for football practice and when I was getting out of the car she said love you. wanting to look cool in front of my friends I didnt say it back, she said it again and I had joined my friends and closed the door. So of course the only logical thing to do was roll down the window and yell at the top of her lungs, BYE JACOB, MOMMY LOVES YOU and wouldnt leave until I said love you back. What a nightmare.

19. My dad sits on the couch in his underwear while typing on his MacBook and quoting Monty Python.

Not really a specific time, but when my friends come over (or any time really), my dad sits on the couch in his underwear while typing on his MacBook and quoting Monty Python. After a while of this, he will pick up his over 80-year-old saxophone and proceed to blast everyone’s eardrums with his improv jazz. Embarrassed me as a kid, but now I have the most chill dad out of my friends.

20. Mom put the ‘sag’ on in front of our whole school.

7th grade story. My mom hated the whole sagging-your-pants fad and threatened to sag her pants in front of my whole school if i continued to do it. Fast-forward to a nice and busy morning in the parking lot in front of the school where students were dropped off. I get out of the car, pants sagging along. She screams out the window to pull up my pants. I pretend like I dont hear her. She honks 5+ times to have everyones attention and proceeds to get out with her sweat pants down below her ass cheeks, granny panties flopping in the wind walking like a duck all while yelling mijo look! Needless to say I never sagged my pants again.

21. My mom complains about food to the staff in restaurants.

My mom complains about food to the staff in restaurants. The last time we ate she ordered fish and chips, she told the waiter it looks like it’s from McDonald’s. It makes me cringe inside forever.

22. My mom showed up to my school while I was in class to scold me for forgetting to take me ADHD medication.

My mom showed up to my school while I was in class to scold me for forgetting to take me ADHD medication. Like full-on screaming while I sat silently in horror while my classmates laughed. She interrupted an entire class to do this. To paint a better picture, my mom is like Lois from

23. My dad pushed me off my scooter in the middle of the high street and rode off on it.

My dad pushed me off my scooter in the middle of the high street and rode off on it. He also put rap music on his car and sang along with the windows open through the town

24. Dad was a snoring/farting machine.

My dad had a form of narcolepsy; he slept everywhere he went, people would stare at him all the time. The embarrassing part of this is, when he was asleep, he would let huge farts rip with no shame sometimes. I do miss him, though, even though he was a snoring/farting machine. To be more descriptive, imagine sitting in a crowded doctors waiting room or some other such public places. Your father is sitting next to you, sawing logs as loud as he can, all of a sudden he leans over and lets one rip. Simultaneously he lets out a loud AWWWWWWWWWWW to trumpet his ass-jiggling flatulence. Then in the end none of this would wake him up.

25. On the phone with my friend and my dad comes into my room to scream at me for getting period blood on my panties….after my very first period.

TMI incoming…On the phone with my friend and my dad comes into my room to scream at me for getting period blood on my panties….after my very first period. My friend on the phone heard everything and i couldnt even bear to keep talking, so i just hung up.

26. Dad made his butt talk in front of my friends.

I was watching TV with some friends, and my dad came out of his room, stood in front of the TV with his back to us, pulled his shorts down to expose his butt, and grabbed his butt cheeks to make them talk and say I have bad breath.

27. My grandpa would insult other kids out loud during baseball games.

Not my parents, but at my brother’s baseball games my grandpa will sit in the bleachers and insult the other kids out loud, oftentimes to the parents of those children themselves. Examples include _____ is such a fuckin’ jerk or He’d be a good first baseman if he didn’t suck tits.

28. My father wore a “Huggies #1” hat because he knew it embarrassed his sons.

My father wore a Huggies #1 hat, like the diaper brand, that he found on the side of the road. He wore it whenever he went anywhere with me or my bros for a few years.

He did it solely because he knew it embarrassed his boys. He loved trolling us.

It’s now in his garage collecting dust, and I want it… but he won’t let me have it because it’s his favorite hat.

Oh, and he did wear it again recently when we went pier fishing on a visit. Still embarrassing, but I see the humor now, too.

29. Mom yells at retail workers.

Im always humiliated when my mom yells at retail workers…or waiters…she seems to have no concept of when a problem is actually someone’s fault or not. Like, the lady behind the cash register has no control over the irregular sizing of the Old Navy jeans.

30. My dad mowed the lawnWITH me.

My dad is a bit of a control freak, especially so about his lawn and garden. My father didn’t make me mow the lawn. I was not ALLOWED to. To be totally honest, by and large he didn’t like the idea of teaching me how to do any man stuff, he’d prefer to just do it and be done with it. I am a super-advanced flashlight holder and beer fetcher, though.

One summer he had reconstructive shoulder surgery. Dad, come on, you can’t be pushing the mower around with your arm in a sling. It isn’t rocket science. I am happy to do it for you.

He hemmed and hawed for awhile but finally conceded I would probably have to do it. He gave me the the super-complicated instructions of pull cord, push around in straight line before doing the most embarrassing thing he’s ever done to me.

He walked with me, his good hand on the mower, for the entire duration of mowing his front and back lawn.

I was like 26 at the time. TWENTY-SIX.

I was married and living on my own at the time. Also I am a dude.

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/2017/08/26/30-people-confess-the-most-embarrassing-thing-their-parents-ever-did/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/164620778542

[samanthasroberts]

30 People Confess The Most Embarrassing Thing Their Parents Ever Did

Found on AskReddit.

1. Dad had a giant boner where the tip was poking out of his stupid tight swimming trunks.

We were having a sweet sixteen for a family friend which was a pool party and I was invited being the same age as the birthday girl, the adult had their section over by the grill (naturally) where the hot tub was well. My dad unfortunately had the task of lifeguard since he was the only one that was CPR certified for his job. When I look over, the other adults had gone in and he was alone tending the grill and keeping an eye on the 20 other teens (most of them girls) lounging and playing games in the pool. As we walks over to the other side to pick up trash or whatever one of the girls yells EWWW and points at my dad. He had a giant boner where the tip was poking out of his stupid tight swimming trunks. And I was known as the son of a pedophile. I changed schools and that was that.

2. My mom accused me of sucking dick because I had zits.

My mom just said earlier that when she was younger, shed get zits on certain parts of her face for reasonsand her brother knew. You’ve been sucking that dick, haven’t you?

3. My mother would dress me as a girl when I cried because only girls cry.

My mother would dress me as a girl when I would cry when I was around 3 years old because only girls cry.

4. Dads horseplay left me nude in front of my friends.

I believe I was in third grade when this happened. I had two of best friends to my house for a sleepover and we were doing something in the living room when it was time for dinner. My dad thought it would be funny to take me to the dining room by picking me up by my feet and carrying me upside down. The only problem was that I was wearing sweatpants and when he lifted me he was grabbing more pant than ankle. I was in the air for a few seconds before I fell out of my pants onto the floor bottomless and dazed. Out of the sweats and boxers and all. I immediately ran away, Porky Pig style to cry in private. My dad came and tried to apologize but couldn’t stop laughing. At the time it was the most embarrassed I’d ever been. In retrospecthilarious.

5. Dad danced naked and projectile-vomited at a Christmas party.

My parents would hold a Christmas cocktail party every year. One year, my parents hired my sister and my sister’s best friend, let’s call her Patty since that was her name, to act as circulating cocktail waitresses, bringing drinks and finger foods to all the guests. They probably had 20 or 25 guests.

Dad got hammered. Woo-hoo, boy-howdy D-R-U-N-K. like in the movies, lampshade on the head drunk. Mom angrily sends Dad upstairs for a while.

The master bedroom was directly over the living room. All of a sudden, the guests start hearing these…noises from right above their heads. In her annoyance, my mother sends 15yo Patty, my sister’s best friend, upstairs to check.

And she proceeds to find my father, naked as the day he was born, jumping on the bed like a hyperactive 4yo, his manhood flapping in the breeze.

“Mr. Smith, are you OK? Patty asks, shocked to her core.

“I’m ” Dad exclaims, and then goes all Regan-from- on her. Just projectile vomiting everywhere. Covered the bed, two walls, a full-length mirror…an oscillating lawn sprinkler of puke.

Patty didn’t get married until her early 40s. I am convinced this incident had an impact on that situation.

My mother and father had a passionate, tempestuous relationship. But in the 24 years they were married, I don’t think I ever saw her as angry as I saw her that night and….for like the next two months. It took some other husband in her Junior League circle of friends to get caught banging a babysitter or something for my mother to get over it. It was just….

6. They made my brother and I wear matching outfits every day until we were 11.

Made my brother and I wear matching outfits every day until we were 11.

7. Mom is a little too open about her yeast infections.

My mom was on the phone with her doctor because she had thrush or something in her mouth. The doc said it’s probably a yeast infection. She immediately says Oh how strange. I usually get them on the other end! What the fuck, mom?

8. Mom nodded out from drugs and began snoring during my choir recital.

My mother liked drugsshe was high-functioning during the day at the time of this story but in the evening she partied. I begged her not to go to my high school freshman year Winter Concert (choir, and I had a solo). Second row there she was, positioned right in front of me with the lights from the stage illuminating her face…as she nodded out, and began to snore. I want to crawl inside of myself.

9. Mom clogged a motel toilet and bragged to the maintenance man.

My mother and I were staying at a hotel when I was around 15, and she took one of her epic dumps and clogged the toilet, so she had to call the front desk and have them send a maintenance guy. Guy walks in, he’s around 25, beautiful (of course), and my mother jokingly says to him, So now you have to guess which one of us has the huge colon.

10. They found my condoms and then gave me sex tips.

Found my condoms when they helped me move out of my freshman dorm. Then gave me sex tips.

11. My dad used to freestyle whenever I had friends over.

My dad used to freestyle whenever I had friends over. We are 100% white and I grew up, mostly, in the country. The one that I always remember happening was about diarrhea. Looking back though my dad was spittin hit fire in the 90s. He needs to drop a mixtape.

12. Mom would give me permission to go out with friends or to a sleep over and then report me as a missing person to the police.

After my Dad died in 1999, my Mom went a little nutty. She would give me permission to go out with friends or to a sleep over and then report me as a missing person to the police. Do you know what it’s like to be at a sleepover and have the cops come down the driveway for you? My friend’s Dad was PISSED. And then I get home and she like Oh, I’m so glad you’re alive. The police got sick of her and I got a cellphone.

13. My parents made out with each other at a party to embarrass me.

At my fourteenth birthday party my mom was lying on the couch while my friends and I all ate pizza in the dining room. My back was to the living room so I was the only person who couldn’t see my mom. Suddenly my friends all started to giggle. I turned around to see my father slowly crawling on top of my mother to make out with her. I guess I should mention that my parents weren’t ever affectionate with one another and that this was done purposefully to embarrass me.

14. My dad has horrible gas. HORRIBLEas in quantity and quality.

My dad has horrible gas. HORRIBLEas in quantity and quality. I’m pretty sure he emits toxic fumes. Anyway, when I was a kid he refused to contain or excuse himself to privacy like a normal person. He perfected the skill of nonchalant farting. He swore if he acted normal, no one would know he had passed gas. The icing was that he told a select few family and friends about this habit, so he knew those people would fidget and get uncomfortable when they realized he had dropped a stealth bomb; their uneasiness would make other people think they were the offender and not him. Needless to say, it was very embarrassing, but my dad was calm enough about it thatyes, people would often carry on like they didn’t smell it. This went on for years. My mom got sick when I was pretty young. She had early onset Alzheimer’s which for her meant she had no filter for many years prior to her diagnosis. So she started calling my dad out whenever he did it. Loudly. It was horriblehorrible to be the child of the man who is constantly farting around other people and the woman who shouted at him to shame him for doing it. In hindsight it’s kind of funny.

15. Dad ran away screaming from a mall interviewer.

Was with my dad at the mall, and you know the people who approach you to answer the surveys?? Well, this lady picked the wrong person, AKA my dad.

Sir, do you have time to answer some questions?

(Screams at the top of his lungs, puts up his hood and screams NOOOOOOOOOO NOOOO, while running away)

Leaving me there like.

16. There mom was, waddling around with this massive stomach talking about having too much gas, and calling my Dad’s new girlfriend a whore for being in a relationship outside of marriage.

Some backstory to add to how embarrassed I felt. My mother’s family was working class, many of which were trashy. My mother was clearly one of the trashy ones. My fathers family were immigrants, but all became wealthy somewhat early on and were a bit more refined. Anyway, not that important, but basically there was just this perceived dynamic that my mom was trashy and me and my brothers were always self-conscious about that.

So fast-forward a few years, my parents split up. In a few years my mom gets pregnant. Which you know was to he expected honestly. But then because she is aware of how my father’s family (who were grew up with more, and were still very close with) viewed her. So she knew this was just going to be icing on the cake for them. She basically decided to deny the pregnancy. No problem, right? If she wants to buy herself a month or two, go ahead.

Well, my genius mom decided she was going to deny the pregnancy the whole way through. How would she handle the birth of the twins she was carrying? She had no clue, till this day we have no idea what she thought she was going to do.

But basically she forced us to play along and waited until she was 5 months pregnant, and huuuuge to finally admit (basically my dad just said to her we all know and have known for a month at least) it.

But yea there she was, waddling around with this massive stomach talking about having too much gas, and calling my Dad’s new girlfriend a whore for being in a relationship outside of marriage. Speaking about it now, it’s the funniest thing I have ever heard ofbut at the time I felt immense shame.

17. My mother elbowed me in the ribs and stated, This is the nude scene.

My parents, who were quite conservative, took 12-year-old me to see a production of My mother elbowed me in the ribs and stated, This is the nude scene.

18. In front of my football team, Mom yelled, BYE JACOB, MOMMY LOVES YOU and wouldnt leave until I said love you back.

When I was 13 years old my mother dropped me off for football practice and when I was getting out of the car she said love you. wanting to look cool in front of my friends I didnt say it back, she said it again and I had joined my friends and closed the door. So of course the only logical thing to do was roll down the window and yell at the top of her lungs, BYE JACOB, MOMMY LOVES YOU and wouldnt leave until I said love you back. What a nightmare.

19. My dad sits on the couch in his underwear while typing on his MacBook and quoting Monty Python.

Not really a specific time, but when my friends come over (or any time really), my dad sits on the couch in his underwear while typing on his MacBook and quoting Monty Python. After a while of this, he will pick up his over 80-year-old saxophone and proceed to blast everyone’s eardrums with his improv jazz. Embarrassed me as a kid, but now I have the most chill dad out of my friends.

20. Mom put the ‘sag’ on in front of our whole school.

7th grade story. My mom hated the whole sagging-your-pants fad and threatened to sag her pants in front of my whole school if i continued to do it. Fast-forward to a nice and busy morning in the parking lot in front of the school where students were dropped off. I get out of the car, pants sagging along. She screams out the window to pull up my pants. I pretend like I dont hear her. She honks 5+ times to have everyones attention and proceeds to get out with her sweat pants down below her ass cheeks, granny panties flopping in the wind walking like a duck all while yelling mijo look! Needless to say I never sagged my pants again.

21. My mom complains about food to the staff in restaurants.

My mom complains about food to the staff in restaurants. The last time we ate she ordered fish and chips, she told the waiter it looks like it’s from McDonald’s. It makes me cringe inside forever.

22. My mom showed up to my school while I was in class to scold me for forgetting to take me ADHD medication.

My mom showed up to my school while I was in class to scold me for forgetting to take me ADHD medication. Like full-on screaming while I sat silently in horror while my classmates laughed. She interrupted an entire class to do this. To paint a better picture, my mom is like Lois from

23. My dad pushed me off my scooter in the middle of the high street and rode off on it.

My dad pushed me off my scooter in the middle of the high street and rode off on it. He also put rap music on his car and sang along with the windows open through the town

24. Dad was a snoring/farting machine.

My dad had a form of narcolepsy; he slept everywhere he went, people would stare at him all the time. The embarrassing part of this is, when he was asleep, he would let huge farts rip with no shame sometimes. I do miss him, though, even though he was a snoring/farting machine. To be more descriptive, imagine sitting in a crowded doctors waiting room or some other such public places. Your father is sitting next to you, sawing logs as loud as he can, all of a sudden he leans over and lets one rip. Simultaneously he lets out a loud AWWWWWWWWWWW to trumpet his ass-jiggling flatulence. Then in the end none of this would wake him up.

25. On the phone with my friend and my dad comes into my room to scream at me for getting period blood on my panties….after my very first period.

TMI incoming…On the phone with my friend and my dad comes into my room to scream at me for getting period blood on my panties….after my very first period. My friend on the phone heard everything and i couldnt even bear to keep talking, so i just hung up.

26. Dad made his butt talk in front of my friends.

I was watching TV with some friends, and my dad came out of his room, stood in front of the TV with his back to us, pulled his shorts down to expose his butt, and grabbed his butt cheeks to make them talk and say I have bad breath.

27. My grandpa would insult other kids out loud during baseball games.

Not my parents, but at my brother’s baseball games my grandpa will sit in the bleachers and insult the other kids out loud, oftentimes to the parents of those children themselves. Examples include _____ is such a fuckin’ jerk or He’d be a good first baseman if he didn’t suck tits.

28. My father wore a “Huggies #1” hat because he knew it embarrassed his sons.

My father wore a Huggies #1 hat, like the diaper brand, that he found on the side of the road. He wore it whenever he went anywhere with me or my bros for a few years.

He did it solely because he knew it embarrassed his boys. He loved trolling us.

It’s now in his garage collecting dust, and I want it… but he won’t let me have it because it’s his favorite hat.

Oh, and he did wear it again recently when we went pier fishing on a visit. Still embarrassing, but I see the humor now, too.

29. Mom yells at retail workers.

Im always humiliated when my mom yells at retail workers…or waiters…she seems to have no concept of when a problem is actually someone’s fault or not. Like, the lady behind the cash register has no control over the irregular sizing of the Old Navy jeans.

30. My dad mowed the lawnWITH me.

My dad is a bit of a control freak, especially so about his lawn and garden. My father didn’t make me mow the lawn. I was not ALLOWED to. To be totally honest, by and large he didn’t like the idea of teaching me how to do any man stuff, he’d prefer to just do it and be done with it. I am a super-advanced flashlight holder and beer fetcher, though.

One summer he had reconstructive shoulder surgery. Dad, come on, you can’t be pushing the mower around with your arm in a sling. It isn’t rocket science. I am happy to do it for you.

He hemmed and hawed for awhile but finally conceded I would probably have to do it. He gave me the the super-complicated instructions of pull cord, push around in straight line before doing the most embarrassing thing he’s ever done to me.

He walked with me, his good hand on the mower, for the entire duration of mowing his front and back lawn.

I was like 26 at the time. TWENTY-SIX.

I was married and living on my own at the time. Also I am a dude.

Source: http://allofbeer.com/2017/08/26/30-people-confess-the-most-embarrassing-thing-their-parents-ever-did/

from All of Beer https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2017/08/26/30-people-confess-the-most-embarrassing-thing-their-parents-ever-did/

[allofbeercom]

30 People Confess The Most Embarrassing Thing Their Parents Ever Did

Found on AskReddit.

1. Dad had a giant boner where the tip was poking out of his stupid tight swimming trunks.

We were having a sweet sixteen for a family friend which was a pool party and I was invited being the same age as the birthday girl, the adult had their section over by the grill (naturally) where the hot tub was well. My dad unfortunately had the task of lifeguard since he was the only one that was CPR certified for his job. When I look over, the other adults had gone in and he was alone tending the grill and keeping an eye on the 20 other teens (most of them girls) lounging and playing games in the pool. As we walks over to the other side to pick up trash or whatever one of the girls yells EWWW and points at my dad. He had a giant boner where the tip was poking out of his stupid tight swimming trunks. And I was known as the son of a pedophile. I changed schools and that was that.

2. My mom accused me of sucking dick because I had zits.

My mom just said earlier that when she was younger, shed get zits on certain parts of her face for reasonsand her brother knew. You’ve been sucking that dick, haven’t you?

3. My mother would dress me as a girl when I cried because only girls cry.

My mother would dress me as a girl when I would cry when I was around 3 years old because only girls cry.

4. Dads horseplay left me nude in front of my friends.

I believe I was in third grade when this happened. I had two of best friends to my house for a sleepover and we were doing something in the living room when it was time for dinner. My dad thought it would be funny to take me to the dining room by picking me up by my feet and carrying me upside down. The only problem was that I was wearing sweatpants and when he lifted me he was grabbing more pant than ankle. I was in the air for a few seconds before I fell out of my pants onto the floor bottomless and dazed. Out of the sweats and boxers and all. I immediately ran away, Porky Pig style to cry in private. My dad came and tried to apologize but couldn’t stop laughing. At the time it was the most embarrassed I’d ever been. In retrospecthilarious.

5. Dad danced naked and projectile-vomited at a Christmas party.

My parents would hold a Christmas cocktail party every year. One year, my parents hired my sister and my sister’s best friend, let’s call her Patty since that was her name, to act as circulating cocktail waitresses, bringing drinks and finger foods to all the guests. They probably had 20 or 25 guests.

Dad got hammered. Woo-hoo, boy-howdy D-R-U-N-K. like in the movies, lampshade on the head drunk. Mom angrily sends Dad upstairs for a while.

The master bedroom was directly over the living room. All of a sudden, the guests start hearing these…noises from right above their heads. In her annoyance, my mother sends 15yo Patty, my sister’s best friend, upstairs to check.

And she proceeds to find my father, naked as the day he was born, jumping on the bed like a hyperactive 4yo, his manhood flapping in the breeze.

“Mr. Smith, are you OK? Patty asks, shocked to her core.

“I’m ” Dad exclaims, and then goes all Regan-from- on her. Just projectile vomiting everywhere. Covered the bed, two walls, a full-length mirror…an oscillating lawn sprinkler of puke.

Patty didn’t get married until her early 40s. I am convinced this incident had an impact on that situation.

My mother and father had a passionate, tempestuous relationship. But in the 24 years they were married, I don’t think I ever saw her as angry as I saw her that night and….for like the next two months. It took some other husband in her Junior League circle of friends to get caught banging a babysitter or something for my mother to get over it. It was just….

6. They made my brother and I wear matching outfits every day until we were 11.

Made my brother and I wear matching outfits every day until we were 11.

7. Mom is a little too open about her yeast infections.

My mom was on the phone with her doctor because she had thrush or something in her mouth. The doc said it’s probably a yeast infection. She immediately says Oh how strange. I usually get them on the other end! What the fuck, mom?

8. Mom nodded out from drugs and began snoring during my choir recital.

My mother liked drugsshe was high-functioning during the day at the time of this story but in the evening she partied. I begged her not to go to my high school freshman year Winter Concert (choir, and I had a solo). Second row there she was, positioned right in front of me with the lights from the stage illuminating her face…as she nodded out, and began to snore. I want to crawl inside of myself.

9. Mom clogged a motel toilet and bragged to the maintenance man.

My mother and I were staying at a hotel when I was around 15, and she took one of her epic dumps and clogged the toilet, so she had to call the front desk and have them send a maintenance guy. Guy walks in, he’s around 25, beautiful (of course), and my mother jokingly says to him, So now you have to guess which one of us has the huge colon.

10. They found my condoms and then gave me sex tips.

Found my condoms when they helped me move out of my freshman dorm. Then gave me sex tips.

11. My dad used to freestyle whenever I had friends over.

My dad used to freestyle whenever I had friends over. We are 100% white and I grew up, mostly, in the country. The one that I always remember happening was about diarrhea. Looking back though my dad was spittin hit fire in the 90s. He needs to drop a mixtape.

12. Mom would give me permission to go out with friends or to a sleep over and then report me as a missing person to the police.

After my Dad died in 1999, my Mom went a little nutty. She would give me permission to go out with friends or to a sleep over and then report me as a missing person to the police. Do you know what it’s like to be at a sleepover and have the cops come down the driveway for you? My friend’s Dad was PISSED. And then I get home and she like Oh, I’m so glad you’re alive. The police got sick of her and I got a cellphone.

13. My parents made out with each other at a party to embarrass me.

At my fourteenth birthday party my mom was lying on the couch while my friends and I all ate pizza in the dining room. My back was to the living room so I was the only person who couldn’t see my mom. Suddenly my friends all started to giggle. I turned around to see my father slowly crawling on top of my mother to make out with her. I guess I should mention that my parents weren’t ever affectionate with one another and that this was done purposefully to embarrass me.

14. My dad has horrible gas. HORRIBLEas in quantity and quality.

My dad has horrible gas. HORRIBLEas in quantity and quality. I’m pretty sure he emits toxic fumes. Anyway, when I was a kid he refused to contain or excuse himself to privacy like a normal person. He perfected the skill of nonchalant farting. He swore if he acted normal, no one would know he had passed gas. The icing was that he told a select few family and friends about this habit, so he knew those people would fidget and get uncomfortable when they realized he had dropped a stealth bomb; their uneasiness would make other people think they were the offender and not him. Needless to say, it was very embarrassing, but my dad was calm enough about it thatyes, people would often carry on like they didn’t smell it. This went on for years. My mom got sick when I was pretty young. She had early onset Alzheimer’s which for her meant she had no filter for many years prior to her diagnosis. So she started calling my dad out whenever he did it. Loudly. It was horriblehorrible to be the child of the man who is constantly farting around other people and the woman who shouted at him to shame him for doing it. In hindsight it’s kind of funny.

15. Dad ran away screaming from a mall interviewer.

Was with my dad at the mall, and you know the people who approach you to answer the surveys?? Well, this lady picked the wrong person, AKA my dad.

Sir, do you have time to answer some questions?

(Screams at the top of his lungs, puts up his hood and screams NOOOOOOOOOO NOOOO, while running away)

Leaving me there like.

16. There mom was, waddling around with this massive stomach talking about having too much gas, and calling my Dad’s new girlfriend a whore for being in a relationship outside of marriage.

Some backstory to add to how embarrassed I felt. My mother’s family was working class, many of which were trashy. My mother was clearly one of the trashy ones. My fathers family were immigrants, but all became wealthy somewhat early on and were a bit more refined. Anyway, not that important, but basically there was just this perceived dynamic that my mom was trashy and me and my brothers were always self-conscious about that.

So fast-forward a few years, my parents split up. In a few years my mom gets pregnant. Which you know was to he expected honestly. But then because she is aware of how my father’s family (who were grew up with more, and were still very close with) viewed her. So she knew this was just going to be icing on the cake for them. She basically decided to deny the pregnancy. No problem, right? If she wants to buy herself a month or two, go ahead.

Well, my genius mom decided she was going to deny the pregnancy the whole way through. How would she handle the birth of the twins she was carrying? She had no clue, till this day we have no idea what she thought she was going to do.

But basically she forced us to play along and waited until she was 5 months pregnant, and huuuuge to finally admit (basically my dad just said to her we all know and have known for a month at least) it.

But yea there she was, waddling around with this massive stomach talking about having too much gas, and calling my Dad’s new girlfriend a whore for being in a relationship outside of marriage. Speaking about it now, it’s the funniest thing I have ever heard ofbut at the time I felt immense shame.

17. My mother elbowed me in the ribs and stated, This is the nude scene.

My parents, who were quite conservative, took 12-year-old me to see a production of My mother elbowed me in the ribs and stated, This is the nude scene.

18. In front of my football team, Mom yelled, BYE JACOB, MOMMY LOVES YOU and wouldnt leave until I said love you back.

When I was 13 years old my mother dropped me off for football practice and when I was getting out of the car she said love you. wanting to look cool in front of my friends I didnt say it back, she said it again and I had joined my friends and closed the door. So of course the only logical thing to do was roll down the window and yell at the top of her lungs, BYE JACOB, MOMMY LOVES YOU and wouldnt leave until I said love you back. What a nightmare.

19. My dad sits on the couch in his underwear while typing on his MacBook and quoting Monty Python.

Not really a specific time, but when my friends come over (or any time really), my dad sits on the couch in his underwear while typing on his MacBook and quoting Monty Python. After a while of this, he will pick up his over 80-year-old saxophone and proceed to blast everyone’s eardrums with his improv jazz. Embarrassed me as a kid, but now I have the most chill dad out of my friends.

20. Mom put the ‘sag’ on in front of our whole school.

7th grade story. My mom hated the whole sagging-your-pants fad and threatened to sag her pants in front of my whole school if i continued to do it. Fast-forward to a nice and busy morning in the parking lot in front of the school where students were dropped off. I get out of the car, pants sagging along. She screams out the window to pull up my pants. I pretend like I dont hear her. She honks 5+ times to have everyones attention and proceeds to get out with her sweat pants down below her ass cheeks, granny panties flopping in the wind walking like a duck all while yelling mijo look! Needless to say I never sagged my pants again.

21. My mom complains about food to the staff in restaurants.

My mom complains about food to the staff in restaurants. The last time we ate she ordered fish and chips, she told the waiter it looks like it’s from McDonald’s. It makes me cringe inside forever.

22. My mom showed up to my school while I was in class to scold me for forgetting to take me ADHD medication.

My mom showed up to my school while I was in class to scold me for forgetting to take me ADHD medication. Like full-on screaming while I sat silently in horror while my classmates laughed. She interrupted an entire class to do this. To paint a better picture, my mom is like Lois from

23. My dad pushed me off my scooter in the middle of the high street and rode off on it.

My dad pushed me off my scooter in the middle of the high street and rode off on it. He also put rap music on his car and sang along with the windows open through the town

24. Dad was a snoring/farting machine.

My dad had a form of narcolepsy; he slept everywhere he went, people would stare at him all the time. The embarrassing part of this is, when he was asleep, he would let huge farts rip with no shame sometimes. I do miss him, though, even though he was a snoring/farting machine. To be more descriptive, imagine sitting in a crowded doctors waiting room or some other such public places. Your father is sitting next to you, sawing logs as loud as he can, all of a sudden he leans over and lets one rip. Simultaneously he lets out a loud AWWWWWWWWWWW to trumpet his ass-jiggling flatulence. Then in the end none of this would wake him up.

25. On the phone with my friend and my dad comes into my room to scream at me for getting period blood on my panties….after my very first period.

TMI incoming…On the phone with my friend and my dad comes into my room to scream at me for getting period blood on my panties….after my very first period. My friend on the phone heard everything and i couldnt even bear to keep talking, so i just hung up.

26. Dad made his butt talk in front of my friends.

I was watching TV with some friends, and my dad came out of his room, stood in front of the TV with his back to us, pulled his shorts down to expose his butt, and grabbed his butt cheeks to make them talk and say I have bad breath.

27. My grandpa would insult other kids out loud during baseball games.

Not my parents, but at my brother’s baseball games my grandpa will sit in the bleachers and insult the other kids out loud, oftentimes to the parents of those children themselves. Examples include _____ is such a fuckin’ jerk or He’d be a good first baseman if he didn’t suck tits.

28. My father wore a “Huggies #1” hat because he knew it embarrassed his sons.

My father wore a Huggies #1 hat, like the diaper brand, that he found on the side of the road. He wore it whenever he went anywhere with me or my bros for a few years.

He did it solely because he knew it embarrassed his boys. He loved trolling us.

It’s now in his garage collecting dust, and I want it… but he won’t let me have it because it’s his favorite hat.

Oh, and he did wear it again recently when we went pier fishing on a visit. Still embarrassing, but I see the humor now, too.

29. Mom yells at retail workers.

Im always humiliated when my mom yells at retail workers…or waiters…she seems to have no concept of when a problem is actually someone’s fault or not. Like, the lady behind the cash register has no control over the irregular sizing of the Old Navy jeans.

30. My dad mowed the lawnWITH me.

My dad is a bit of a control freak, especially so about his lawn and garden. My father didn’t make me mow the lawn. I was not ALLOWED to. To be totally honest, by and large he didn’t like the idea of teaching me how to do any man stuff, he’d prefer to just do it and be done with it. I am a super-advanced flashlight holder and beer fetcher, though.

One summer he had reconstructive shoulder surgery. Dad, come on, you can’t be pushing the mower around with your arm in a sling. It isn’t rocket science. I am happy to do it for you.

He hemmed and hawed for awhile but finally conceded I would probably have to do it. He gave me the the super-complicated instructions of pull cord, push around in straight line before doing the most embarrassing thing he’s ever done to me.

He walked with me, his good hand on the mower, for the entire duration of mowing his front and back lawn.

I was like 26 at the time. TWENTY-SIX.

I was married and living on my own at the time. Also I am a dude.

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/2017/08/26/30-people-confess-the-most-embarrassing-thing-their-parents-ever-did/