#associate it with me until another autistic friend pointed it out

[my-chemical-aromance]

sometimes i discover terms and words that describe the things i do that are associated with autism but whenever i bring them up i always get “you were never like that before!!”. i used to get in trouble at school, at home, at church for talking so much. I’ve always been hyperverbal I just didn’t know there was a word for it back then. even after i knew i was autistic but didnt know being hyperverbal was a thing i told people i stimmed by talking. before i knew echolalia was a thing i chalked it up to just liking how things sounded or it being a form of stimming.

you’re telling me that just because there’s a word for what i do that’s associated with autism, suddenly I’ve never displayed this behavior before?

all that learning these terms has done has made it easier to understand and explain myself. instead of saying “i talk a lot because I’m autistic and it’s a form of stimming which i do to self regulate” i can now say “i’m hyperverbal because i’m autistic.” or instead of saying “i’m not repeating you to be mocking it’s just something i unconsciously do when i like a noise or word or how you said that word.” I can say “I use echolalia because i’m autistic, thats why i repeat things the way i do.” In both these examples not only is the second option more concise it’s clearer and people understand me better.

i’m not going to apologize for wanting to understand myself and wanting others to understand me.

#actually autistic #everyone’s totally chill with me being autistic until key parts of my behavior and personality are due to the autism #i had a conversation w my mother the other day that sparked this post #i had repeated what she said a few times and she was like #‘why do you do that’ #‘you know thats annoying right’ #and i said its actually called echolalia and its frequently a symptom of autism #and she immediately scoffed at me and said ‘you never did that before’ #yes. yes i did. #i didnt just read this term and decide i wanted to do it #when i actually first read of echolalia i didn’t understand it #i had to read 7 different articles to understand what it was talking about #and then i didnt #associate it with me until another autistic friend pointed it out #and i thought back on my speaking habits and after a while realized that yes that is something we do #and i really hate hearing ‘you didnt do this before’ because not only is it stupid it implies there was a time before i was autistic #ive always been autistic you were just in denail about it until a handful of medical professionals told you point blank i’m autistic #maybe i do do it more now but yk why? #because i was PUNISHED as a child for behaving ‘autisticly’ #that didnt make me less autistic it just made me fucking hate you #anyway. #idfk how to tag this #echolalia #hyperverbal #autism spectrum #autistic experiences #autistic community #autistic adult

[flowergirlmiwa]

[Have an ask that's meant for you to talk or ramble about your ocs if you'd like, since I didn't know you had any but I'd love to know more :> 🧡💛🤍🩷❤️ ]

oh like as a sequel to this one? i forgot about that! i didnt talk about very much in here so i guess i'll start building out the story a little more

in 2006 i started writing a new story literally just to goof around while bored at my dad's while he didn't have internet. i just wrote some scattered 'adventures' of a pretty nondescript kid who engages with topics i had interest in at the time, like being in a rock band and being a pro wrestler. this wasn't even really anything until the next year, i returned to my dad's and remembered the story, deciding to expand upon it. after that it became A Thing and i expanded somewhat on the world and characters, also grounding the tone from full-on cartoon to reasonably serious. i say somewhat expanded because this was still just me screwing around writing whatever i felt like with no forethought, so the characterization didn't exactly get much better.

characters!

Miles - main character dude. later on he developed an obsession with his image and by association the image of his band, Dr. Love. but yeah literally nothing to say besides he wears glasses and is… idk, lightly autistic? basically both a standin for me as well as being basically nothing. with the power of a "science machine" and some weird potions he got in the mail he can transform into the buff pro wrestler alter ego and face off against The Undertaker

Eddie - main character's best friend who is depressed and stressed out for the part of the series that has a grounded tone. he's the bassist for the band Dr. Love and lives in the shadow of Miles, both as part of the band as in their school life. i mentioned they were just regular kids going to school right? yeah they have a rock band that releases professional albums and is implied to tour. it's that kind of universe i guess

Teegah - named after my grandmother's elderly cat at the time (Teeger aka Tiger), Teegah is Miles' pet parrot who was transformed from a cat in the first chapter at his own request so he could speak to the others. despite being a parrot he's just treated like another member of the squad and is the drummer (!) for the band Dr. Love. he has a sardonic attitude inspired by salem the cat from sabrina the teenage witch and quips at the others

J.C. - a girl with practically no lines that exists to be Miles' girlfriend in later chapters. it's telling that i genuinely spent a good chunk of it accidentally calling her "Rose", which is the name of Yamachi's superfluous girlfriend as i described last time. that's a totally separate series (at this point). anyway her name doesn't stand for anything, but i did give her the last name Flowers long before scott pilgrim was released so points for me! i said points so me so they're for me!!!!!!

Third - this is apparently a nickname derived from his birth date, November 3. not the weirdest thing but it throws me for some reason (and i wrote it). anyway Third is introduced as a spy for rival rock band Twisted Brother (twenty guesses what their name is a takeoff of) and sows dissent in Dr. Love as the band's second guitarist (do bands run by teenagers need two guitarists?). long story short he ends up double-doublecrossing and joins the crew as a friend and real new band member. his cocky attitude and good looks makes him act as a rival to Miles at first

so what's the plot of this one? uhh, there isn't a plot?

unlike the last thing i talked about there wasn't an overarching plot about stopping satan by running into the center of the world or whatever it was mostly about the tribulations these kids faced as part of being in a popular rock band

eventually i lost a bunch of chapters to a hard drive crash and it kinda bummed me out so i officially cancelled the series. shortly after this, i started work on a new series, inspired by both this and the prior work… but that's a whole rabbit hole we can get into another time… for now just imagine a parrot playing drums with its little feet like a cartoon. thank you goodnight

#my ask #we're only up to like 2009 and this keeps getting incarnations up until... uh... what year is it? #so i could go on. and on. this is still barely scratching the surface.

[void-galaxy-shenanigans]

Yet another “I'm more non-speaking/nonverbal than I thought” post.

Hi. This is Nico. Our body is autistic. When I first found that out I thought we were “high functioning”, because we weren't as disabled as others seemed to be. But we were just very high masking at the time, & the mask is peeling off in painful layers.

I perfected my ability to write from 5 years old till now (we're 23), in part because speaking aloud is difficult. (But I thought everyone struggled to speak words & that I just....wasn't dealing with it well.) Because of that, this will be written in much better grammar & clearer words than I am capable of aloud right now. That does not mean I can speak aloud, nor that autistics who can't write like this don't exist or aren't super valid. That also doesn't mean I won't use wrong words sometimes, because I do still mix up words or have an inability to find the word I mean.

That disclaimer aside....

I thought I was hyperverbal. Because we also have ADHD & C-PTSD, the tism didn't seem to affect our speaking much.

The hyperverbal speech was part autism mask, part ADHD hyperactivity (or, externalized symptoms to be more accurate), & part PTSD (got abused & punished for not speaking).

I am currently medicating my ADHD with a balance of sugar & caffeine that works short-term. (I will eventually seek actual meds but there's a shortage right now & I am a tired bitch who doesn't wanna deal with doctors right now.)

I was trying to sing along to my music playlist. That's typically one of my most reliable self-soothing tactics. Even as we've started unmasking the tism, I didn't notice much difference in my singing—as long as I'm singing with backup music, I can still sing when words otherwise don't wanna work/translate/etc.

It came out in soft babbles, “bah bah bah” (lip taps with air), “bleh bleh bleh” (basically just tongue taps with air), & faint humming. I could follow the general beat/tune of the song, but couldn't make any of the lyrics come out.

This followed a session of flirting with my autistic girlfriend, & her making me laugh nonstop for a solid 20mins, until my brain decided “I'm safe right now” & words failed me. My mouth wouldn't do it.

I can still make noise in my head. Some of my thoughts are words (in a jumbled mix of the languages I know (Spanish & French, & bits n pieces of Norwegian/German/Italian/Irish Gaelic/Russian/Greek)). But most are pictures, feelings, vague concepts that I couldn't translate if I tried. None of the thoughts, even the ones that are words, will come out of my mouth. I can't make them come out.

That said, after around 20mins of incoherent noise I was able to sing along again not by understanding the meaning of the words or by saying the words, but by mimicking just the sounds. Ignore that it's a word, let the meaning float in nonexistence, & I can repeat the sound. But I don't know what the fuck I'm saying when I do that, because I can't think the meaning or process the words at the same time as I mimic it.

And that's the same reason that I sing almost exactly the same notes, accent, tone, etc. when I sing, 99% of the time. I'm just mimicking—I'm not actively singing. In order to actually sing, I have to wait for my brain to have enough processing power to spare to not mask, not mimic, process the words, process everything around me (lights, sounds, etc.), associate the words with something or someone, preferably a memory (usually it's my girlfriend who comes to mind right now, but sometimes it's family or friends), AND still make the words come out like they actually mean something. And that takes...so much out of me.

I can't make meaningful words happen right now. Just meaning-detached sounds.

So...yeah.

I thought I had no problems with speech. I thought words were just “a little difficult sometimes”. But I can only word so much in a day before I run out now, & I mean hard stop, ‘can't even mask to save my life’, can't talk to my loved ones, ✨run out✨. My girlfriend pointed out I'm unable to word speech more often than I'm able to now, & suggested I might be more non-speaking than I realized. Because I can usually word inside my head, for most of a day (especially if I take a nap), but I cannot word aloud for more than 2 or 3 hours if I'm not masking, & my mask starts glitching & breaking (stutters, wrong scripts, etc.) after about 5 hours at work now.

So I was never high functioning. I was destroying my brain to mask, & now I'm so burnt out & destroyed from what I did mask through that I can't even mask most of the time. I am now “high support needs” (incorrectly dubbed “low functioning”) autistic, because of how masking destroyed me.

Once I graduate college with a degree that lets me get a job where I can be myself (preferably my own boss), I will never be masking ever again. I can't. It's so taxing.

Speaking isn't supposed to be hard. It's also not supposed to be an act of mimicry 24/7 (sometimes it is mimicry, but not this much). And this is news to me, and I am devastated for child me who thought he was just not trying hard enough or was broken or was just missing a tool.

He was always disabled. We were always disabled. I will honour that disability now, to the best of my ability. Because I love him, because we're worth it, because I shouldn't have to pretend to be neurotypical & able-bodied when I'm not, because that little kid deserved better.

I will learn other ways to communicate. I will learn other languages, but also non-word ways. I don't always have to speak.

And that's okay. I'm allowed to be disabled.

So into the future we grow.

~Nico

#actually autistic #semi verbal #minimally verbal #semi non speaking

[infiniteorangethethird]

for the aro ask game 1, 14 and 16 (also hi)

hi hiiii bestie how's it goinnn

When did you realize you were arospec?

Honestly, I... have no idea. It definitely was a long process. I think the thought first started rotating in my head about two years ago when one of my friends told me they had a crush on me. It was definitely flattering and I tried so hard to feel the same towards them, with (obviously) little success. But it got me wondering whether any of my previous crushes were genuine or if they were all just a product of me trying to fit in with my peers who were developing crushes left and right.

Then the JaidenAnimations aroace video came out (we all know which one) and another few months later I read Alice Oseman's Loveless, and it was at that point that I realized "feeling the same amount of attraction to everyone" doesn't necessarily mean panromantic if that same amount is precisely zero. 😂 In a way, that book was the final nail in the coffin, and I "came out to myself" as aro a few weeks later, I think.

So the short answer is "a bit more than a year ago, probably?" 😂

14. What are some stereotypes about arospec individuals that annoy you the most?

Probably the "cold, heartless aro". Society has associated lovelessness with evilness for so long that part of the aro community began pushing back with "actually being aro doesn't make you loveless!! we can still love platonically!!!", and now if you're like me and you are loveless who doesn't love their friends/family/others, you're cast out by society AND by your fellow aromantics alike, AND it makes you hate yourself for not being able to feel an emotion ppl arbitrarily decided is necessary for being a good person.

(I realize the irony in me telling I don't love my friends in response to an ask from a friend but uh. shhh)

16. Do you have any arospec OCs, if so tell us about them?

all my OCs are aroace until specified otherwise, duh

anyway as a (partially) MaDD-focused blog I like to talk abt my OCs/paras in their own posts so here's a quick rundown & I can make a separate post abt them if anyone's curious:

Amy - she's loveless aroace & autistic who makes it a point to go against as many of society's expectations towards social interactions and relationships as possible. She revels in being the "loner heartless machine" stereotype bc if people are going to call her weird either way, why force herself to be something she isn't?

Thalia - their arospec-ness is pretty recent so I'm still figuring things out. They're your most stereotypical people-pleaser soft uwu smol bean good boi aka the one most likely to be assumed "too pure for sexual thoughts". So obviously I had to make them aroallo, after all if romance is the purest form of human existence but sex is evil then what does that make someone who's interested in physical intimacy but not love? Luckily they're close friends with Amy so they have someone to share these worries with who understands and helps dismantle these baseless ideas.

Plus I have two non-human characters who don't feel attraction as a species basis so I'm not sure if they can be considered arospec in the traditional sense

#not me rewriting this like four times so that it's not a 10 page essay #that's how I have fun on weekdays #asks #queer stuff #the orange dimension #<- tagging bc I do talk about my paras here

[athosfuckedurdad]

Maybe i've talked about this before here but i dont give a fuck i'm thinking about it so i'm gonna write about it

tw for some descriptions of bullying i went through as a kid

Growing up autistic is so interesting because obviously for a LOT of people the bullying they went through because of being neurodivergent was just fucking traumatic, it was really harmful to them being able to accept themselves as they are and absolutely none of this is meant to take away from those experiences, it's just me a little bit chuckling about my own because somehow- while being autistic caused a lot of my bullying as a child, it also very much so protected me from it because I was just oblivious

When I've described the actual events of how I was treated in grade four and grade five, most people look at me with just so much apology, and like! for good reason to be honest! When i think about some of it in an objective/storytelling sense, it was kind of fucked up! if someone else had been in my position and talked about lasting effects from the bullying, i would not blame them in the SLIGHTEST. But that's just literally not what happened for me- When I finish explaining and then tack on a "but it's fine though it never really bothered me" it's never been a sense of repressing some negative emotions I have in regards to it, I just literally was so very much so in my own comfortable little bubble/world that I don't think I even really processed it as bullying for years afterwards because well- kids who were bullied are sad and upset and alone and I just have like one or two friends and read alone at recess most of the time.

the first thing i can think of it that, in the fourth grade I (apparently) accidently touched a dude's butt. It's most likely my hand fucking brushed past someone at lunch without my notice, and literally no one told me until MUCH later, so it could have just been something they made up to justify it. Who fucking knows. After that, practically every single boy in the grade above me just avoided me like the fucking plague. It became a joke, the [NAME] touch, as if even being near me was just this horrific thing. I'm realizing just now that this might have been them being ableist and thinking my autism traits were contagious or some shit. It also could have been the fucking accidental butt touch that no one told me about, i have no idea. It even culminated into physical violence at one point, when i decided I wanted to walk a slightly different path to my cubby and a boy decided I was absolutely not allowed to walk near him to get to my cubby, and when I was stubborn about it, he grabbed the nearest lunch box and swung. I had a black eye because of the thermos in the box.

That could have been traumatizing, but I only have three real associations with any of that at that time- being pissed that the school made ME write an apology letter to the boy who gave me a black eye, the fact that eventually one boy came around to my side and would occasionally ask to borrow my shoe so he could chase the other boys around with it, and utterly cackling about the time I was chasing the boys around the library because they were OH SO DESPERATE to get away from the dreaded [NAME] touch that they were willing to run in a library. I saw it the second a teacher walked into the room and promptly sat my ass down, criss cross applesauce before the teacher could tell what was happening. They did not. They got in trouble for running in the library, and I never did. I was just- in my own little world the whole time, and the closest I ever came to actually having an issue was when I was literally fucking given a black eye

Another incident in grade four was a lot more simple- for a while there were team drives on Google Drive, and there was a feature where you could make someone just a viewer in this team drive. Someone (I eventually figured out who it was, but in the beginning it was a mystery) added me (and a few others) to a team drive called "losers" or something of a similar vein, made us viewers (so we could neither edit the drive title or leave it) and then left. This wasn't... that bad? But it does, looking back, kind of remind me of how much of an outcast I was throughout elementary school. My main association with that was enjoying the mystery of who did it? and when I found out, being able to tell them that no you're not invited to my birthday party actually. You're like the only person I'm not inviting

Fifth grade there were literal hate clubs for me. Clubs were a big deal for them, and at one point there were literally just clubs that, at the higher levels were deliberate hate clubs for me, but at lower levels had fronts of being "blowing bubbles at lunch" clubs. I vaguely remember having very few actual friends who I talked to, especially ones in the same grade as me, and throughout a lot of the year I would mostly just read in the corner at recess, but I liked reading! I enjoyed just being by myself in those cases. There was one particular time when a fourth grader like half my size, who had been just a massive fucking dick to me in the past, tried to stop me while I was going into the school explaining that "hey all of your friends are in this hate club for you. Yeah even the people you get along with, they all hate you." (I struggle to place the timeline of events for grade 5, but I think I knew this at this point) "Even that one person who is still friends with you joined the club, they hate you. i'm your only friend" this I KNEW was bs, that one friend almost certainly did join the club to. blow bubbles at recess, but i KNEW they weren't a part of this hate club for me. I also knew I wasn't about to get emotionally manipulated by a fucking 4th grader half my size, and I primarily just remember- either not really being bothered by it all, or ignoring it because I had better things to do

A lot of the time I either didn't know why or can't remember why I was bullied as a child, but it's really not hard to work out that like- I was one of the autistic kids in the class (I was in the gifted program so there was a higher percentage of ND kids) and was fucking ostracized at times because of it. I had a few friends, sure, but I was never really a PART of that group of kids. But I just didn't fucking notice. I don't think about the fact that I was bullied all the time, it honest to god doesn't affect me in my everyday life. I was bullied because I'm autistic, but I also didn't give a shit because I'm autistic

It just makes me chuckle to myself- and just makes me really grateful because I probably would be working through a L O T more trauma than I ended up having to deal with in any actual seriousness. Being autistic is fun at times

#bullying mention #autism #autistic things #growing up autistic #neurodivergent #long post

[vergess]

OH OH i am going to send you the CURSED question from the autism meme. Number 1. 👀you know why

Ugh, yeah okay, sure. You bring this upon yourself, however.

Animal abuse cw, animal death cw, child abuse cw, ableism cw, abuse cw, parental abuse cw, and generally abhorrent shit content warning.

How old were you when you found out you were autistic?

In the most literal sense of the question, I was in my early 20s. I want to say 23, but that's just because it's one of those sticky numbers that is often top of the brain for that range. Somewhere between 21 and 25.

But the answer for which you are fishing is, 6.

At 6 years old, I was diagnosed with autism, through some kind of low income healthcare program for children, possibly associated with my school at the time. The details here are vague because I was 6 yerars old and not exactly in a psychological state to internalize a lot of detail.

Developmental timeline of the human brain aside, what actually happened was my mother's friend, a summer childcare teacher of some sort, convinced her to take me to a clinic to be seen by a specialist. Afterwards, they took me home with no explanation.

I went about my business of being 6 years old. Watching Anastasia by Don Bluth for the 650th time in a row, as autistically as possible.

At some point I needed to pee, and went into the bathroom. My mother and my teacher (summer school caretaker) were in the kitchen, apparently unaware that someone too short for their line of sight was now within earshot.

So my teacher (again, a close friend of my mother) was trying to explain something about autism or something about the doctor's speech, whatever. Most of what she said, I didn't know the meanings of. But there were a few things I did: "brain damage," "tip-toes," and "euthanasia."

I will address these snippets of contextless horror in the order which my 6 year old mind processed them.

First, tip-toes.

Ever since I started pre-school or headstarter or whatever that fuckery is called, I had been getting constant reprimands for my toe walking. Teachers would constantly remind me of things like, "heel-toe, [vees]!" An instruction I would try to follow but end up gettign into trouble for "willful disobedience" when I would take one toe-step, then put my heel down, then lift it up, take another toe step, and so forth.

As you can easily see, I was a level of autistic best described as "fucking textbook." It would be several years before a dance teacher actually explained to me what a normal human gait looked like.

Second, brain damage.

I also knew what brains were thanks to my literal and unironic habit of memorizing large parts of years-old encyclopedias from the library.

6 years old. I had begun learning English a whopping 1 year prior, but I knew what a brain was, and I knew what "damaged" meant. My panic mounted.

3, euthanasia. Recently, a family cat had been put down due to a serious jaw infection or jaw cancer of some kind. So I knew damned well what euthanasia was.

I burst out of the bathroom in a panic, begging to know if there was anything they could do to fix my horrible brain disease besides killing me like [family cat name].

This is the part of the story where a normal family calms the hysterical child down or lets them calm down, and then clarifies that their diagnosis is called "autism," then hopefully get around to 1: toe-walking is a common behaviour in autistic people, and 2, it's not a "brain disease," which they had been saying.

And, rather most importantly, 3. A very famous woman named Temple Gradin had just released a book about her life as an autistic person and her career in developing kind, clean euthanasia for livestock. She was being hailed as proof that autistic people could be happy, healthy, successful members of society.

Unfortunately, what actually happened was my mother immediately threw her friend of many years out of the house, called the summer care program and unenrolled me, beat the ever loving shit out of me until I promised not to ask any more questions ever again, and assured me that as long as no one ever found out about any of this I would not have to ~be punished.~

The teacher was able to contact my public school for non-summer months and suggest that I be moved into special education classes, but such classes are only possible until age 10 without a formal diagnosis from a doctor submitted to the state by the parent, and I had no such thing.

In the overall haze of weird horrors and abuse that marks my life, I would say this is like.... IDK, it would be worth including in an autobiographical novel, but I don't think it's top 20 material.

But yes, there's the horrors!!!! Enjoy your curse!

[50 question autism ask meme]

#asks #ask answers #all-women-kick-ass #ask meme responses #life of vees

[soulvomit]

Whenever I think on my teens up to age 21 I start to have autism imposter syndrome again and at the very least feel I'm so diet autistic that I probably shouldn't even opine on the topic or write about it

The thing is that it's socially speaking a Peaked in High School narrative and i can't really explain my way around it. I was kinda falling apart inside but "doing socially badly" for Los Angeles in the 80s/90s can still relatively look like one is a fucking operator by other standards because "doing well" isn't even achievable to most middle class people. But another thing is that I was meeting people online mostly on boards that had user meets, so I was never really brought into the other person's regular social world and I had no idea that I was never in the serious running until years later - because I didn't have the social success away from BBS culture... by far. BBS culture also made it possible to date NTs for a while whereas almost all the people around me are ND after the BBSs fold. (And most of my lasting friends from the BBSs as well.) People dated me from the BBS who never would've associated with me in school.

One thing is that in the environment/culture i was in, teens and young adults WANTED to date. Everyone was obsessed with dating. Everything revolved around it, especially if you were a girl. From where I sat it look like *everyone* was doing it. I was also desperate to prove I was normal.

It's like I had a handful of years that were on Easy Mode comparatively and I was socially really glitchy but I was also fucking around and finding out. It helps that I was cute and I was good at meeting boys up to a point and in an environment where everyone was relatively eager. (The odds were good, but the goods were odd.)

A reason I thought I was hugely socially dysfunctional was because I wasn't doing as well as a teen/young adult as I wanted to, but I was still dating a *lot* up to a point

I may have actually been better at dating than just having friends, because dating had a specific script and because the other person was doing a lot of the work

The big thing is that in order to date I had to be a fake person and I got sick of it

Also once i was no longer a virgin, a giant chunk of these types of people weirdly turned on me and it became obvious that they'd had an entitlement streak

And I was only able to be that fake person with people i met on a BBS. In person, who i met were other ND people.

But I also need you to understand that in the 90s, it was possible to just be Weird. It was possible to just have a Bad Personality. Peoplewatchers weren't playing Audubon Field Guide with the DSM like they do now

[rururi-chan]

Imagine being friends with a person who calls folks retards when they are real life neurodivergent because they are autistic and has won in the special Olympics before. That’s @grayluforever on twitter.

I mean you can associate with whoever you want but please learn that just because someone has some viewpoints you agree with doesn’t mean they are a good person.

I am black and Candace Owens has some viewpoints I agree with but I will never defend her or be on her side because overall she downs her own race and is just a horrible person. Same difference going on with @gralyforever (Nicole). Nicole is not a good person at all. It’s okay that you love GrayLu I promise you it is. I don’t really have an issue with you just want you to see how horrible of a person @grayluforever truly is really.

She came to one of my posts about NaLu because that all I post about and shitted on them for no reason and when me and moots called her out she called us the r word, stupid and told us f*ck you when we was minding our business until she came along.

I mean you can be online friends with anyone you want but she’s also homophobic so if you are apart of the LGBTQIA+ community then she hates you too. She has said something to my moots about that too. Going as far as to call them gross and say creators only want lbgt brownie points when it’s added to a story.

I really wish you would see that but please explain to me how is one to avoid a person who uses multiple accounts to bother you on? I can block her main account but when she’s using more than one how will be able to block them if I don’t know who it is until she comments on my posts that’s about NaLu.

I mean you are an adult so I’m sure you have some problem solving skills so if you can help me with that issue since I see on another post you just said to avoid her even though others are telling you that she’s bothering us first. She’s not the victim baby. Again nothing against you but I want you to know how horrible she is. That is all!

Have a good day!

Sorry, but can you send me proof?

#ask #anonymus

[masterweaverx]

So I’d like to open this by saying I’m autistic, and I generally operate on the presumption that I don’t understand anyone--at least, not without some investigation and interaction. Take everything I say with a grain of salt.

Recently, I’ve seen posts about an interesting paradox regarding representation; a lot of writers want to include XYZ group, but don’t want to risk doing it ‘wrong.’ Thus characters are Gay/Trans/Bi/Jewish/Islam/Black/Whatever and, yet, this is unimportant. Or we have tokenistic characters where being a member of This Group is their defining and, in fact, only character trait. Either too little, or too much. Or maybe they’re background characters, done right except for the part where they don’t affect the plot.

I think there’s a fundamental misunderstanding of representation is influencing this. We’re thinking of the group as archetype--a statue that is All Defined and we put clothes on it and make it move. But... paradoxical as it seems, being a member of a group is but one of many possible character traits. And the thing about character traits is that they affect a character, and through that influence the plot, but they rarely dominate the plot unless the plot is specifically about that character trait.

To take a fantastical and therefore somewhat obvious example: Blake Belladonna, from the Web Show RWBY, has cat ears. This is A Very Big Deal, because fantasy racism and also because she’s good at hearing things. A big part of the plot is her saying “This is how my cat ears affect me, and how having cat ears affects my parents, and how I’m reacting.” But having cat ears is not her only trait--and in fact, they’re not her defining trait.

Blake enters the series having just escaped a psychologically abusive relationship. That affects how she acts around the strangers that will become her new friends, and how she’s afraid her parents will never love her again. She’s also quite well-read, which gives her an interesting conversation with character Ruby Rose at the start of the series about fairy tales and real life. She has a ninja-like combat skill and a samurai-like sense of honor, so in situations that involve protecting others she never gives up (even if she thinks she herself isn’t worthy of love at the start of the series, see abusive relationship). And she wants to make the world a better place for a number of reasons--she’s been hurt by it, she’s hurt the world herself, and it’s just the right thing to do.

All of this, and a few other factors, combine to affect how she acts and reacts to the plot of the series. When the Fantasy Racism comes up, yes, her cat ears are important--but they don’t just snap out of existence when Yang Xiao Long says “Okay, it’s time for me to talk about my abandonment issues!” or when Cinder Fall says “My bad guy contract says I have to be malevolent now.” Blake’s ears let her hear small details, and her treatment because of them has her cautious about who to trust--very, VERY important things to the plot that, nonetheless, aren’t specifically about Cat Ear Racism.

One big example I can think of is her confrontation with her abusive ex, who at this point has just gone straight up Yandere and is blaming her for everything. The scene is not about her having cat ears--in fact, the cat ears are not at all included in all the false accusations he throws out. But, because she can hear something he doesn’t, she’s able to reposition herself and let her partner join in, dramatically shifting the direction of the scene.

The character trait affects the character’s action, and through that influences the plot. It has weight, but it’s not the only trait the character has. This is true for any character trait, no matter how fantastical or realistic.

May Marigold, from the same series, is a transgender woman. And she’s not just there to say “I need my Estrogen pills!” every four hours, but neither is her being transgender just a Neat Factoid You Find In The Manual. It influences her character--pretty clearly in one scene, where she outright states her biological relatives are no longer family--but it doesn’t mean she’s just The Trans Character. And, actually, let’s take her big speech as an example of what I mean.

Weiss: People are dying here, too. Don’t you have family in Atlas?

May: No. Mantle needed me, and to the Marigolds, that meant I wasn’t their son anymore. And I made sure that everyone knew that I wasn’t their daughter. So forget ‘em. They’ve got Henry, yours have Whitley. You get what I’m saying.

Weiss: I don’t know about-

May angrily turns to face Weiss.

May: Which side are you on, anyway?

Blake: We’ve heard that before.

May steps toward Blake to confront her, but Ruby chimes in.

Ruby: There are no sides! We want to help everyone. We’re all facing Salem together. And together is the only way we’re going to get out of it.

May: (sighs) So, how exactly do we get out of it?

As the group ponders their situation, Whitley Schnee can be seen in the hallway eavesdropping on the conversation.

The point of this scene isn’t “May is trans.” It’s that she had a very bad relationship with her biological relatives, to the point where they don’t consider each other family--and that as a result of that, she associated Atlas with all that’s wrong with the world and thinks Weiss should too, since Weiss ostensibly has a similar background. Her being transgender very clearly influences her speech, but it’s not the driving aspect of the plot. In fact, Whitley overhearing this and being compared to Henry (previously established as pretty shallow and horrible) directly causes him to affect the plot by becoming as helpful as he can. This is entirely unrelated to her being transgender, and much more related to her biological relatives being horrible people.

May is, in fact, somewhat in the wrong here--but it’s in character for her to be in the wrong, as she’s basing her choices off her own experiences. That said, she’s also got a sort of ‘cool anger’ in her speech--she’s used to people not getting why she’d be insulted (since not many people would instantly get transgenderism) and so keeps her tone calm even when she’s glaring at Weiss. It’s not until Weiss begins to directly contradict her that she snaps--again, another factor of transgender life is too many people saying ‘You sure? You could be wrong.’ This is all behavior that makes sense for a transgender person, considering their likely experiences, but applied to a subject that is not explicitly about transgenderism--in this case, whether Atlas or Mantle is more important to save from big bad Salem.

Character traits affect the characters, and through them influence the plot. But the character is never just one trait, and the plot is rarely about just one thing. May is an excellent character--she’s snarky, but willing to guide the youngsters, loyal to those who care about others, encouraging and realistic, very much a person who got saddled with too much responsibility in way too short a time and is trying her best. And she’s transgender, and that affects how she acts, both when she’s being great and when she’s slipping up.

If you want to write representation, don’t write The Whatever Character. Write a character that happens to be whatever.

#Representation #Analysis #I'm willing to admit I might be wrong on this #Like I said I don't understand people naturally #I'm just going from my experiences as a writer. #Also I'm not sure if my point is coming across?

[shadowfae]

Harmony, Chaos, RuneScape and Quoilunetary Nonhumanity

[Crossposted to National Nonhuman Park, and requested by @dzamie.]

I forgot to do this for like three days, but. I wanted to do a post on understanding past experiences and the differing perspectives people can have on the same experiences and how that can lead to radically different understandings and why there will never be a clear-cut border between alterhuman terminology, and I think I finally found a way to articulate that point. Commentary and responses welcome.

The very simplest way of explaining this concept is the following sentence: "I never said that I owed her money." Seems a simple statement, yeah? Place emphasis on one word, read it again, and then place emphasis on a different word and read it. "I never said that I owed her money," implies a flat-out denial of the concept. However, "I never said that I owed her money," is a clear 'I implied it but never said it, and you can't hold me to that'. And emphasis on other words brings the exact meaning of those emphasized words into question, and so forth.

But while that concept is universal, it's difficult to see as it stands how that applies to alterhuman experiences. So we're going to delve into the source of one of my current linktypes, RuneScape, and we're going to explain things the way a warpriest does, using the setting's available godly philosophies to explain a past experience.

The two we'll be looking at today are Serenist and Zamorakian philosophies, particularly the Elven questline, and we're choosing this because Seren's ingame dialogue includes her explaining why Zamorakianism doesn't fit the questline. I, however, say it does, so let's compare and contrast how they both fit, and why they're both valid, and why if you're determined enough you can be absolutely convinced that the other's an idiot.

Seren is the crystal goddess of light; associated heavily with integrity, harmony, prudence, wisdom, and tranquility. Simply put, she is a pacifist who believes that if two parties can meet in the middle and find harmony, the best possible result can be achieved.

This is contrasted heavily with Zamorakian philosophy. Zamorak is known best as the god of chaos, although his philosophy heavily centres strength through personal strife. He believes that almost all obstacles and challenges in life can be beaten if one just never gives up, and that through surviving those obstacles, one is made a better person. He also believes that order brings stagnation: with no reason or need to do something different, people will do what they have always done, thus, chaos is necessary for improvement and achievement.

When Seren left the elves, her main followers, scrambled to put together a leadership that might replace her. Modelling the humans, they chose a monarchy, which was undercut in short order by Clan Iorwerth. (Iorwerth is one of the two military elven clans.) Iorwerth, following a dark power, overthrew the monarchy and shut down the elven kingdom entirely, forcing every elf that wasn't trapped to flee or swear allegiance to them. They were later overthrown by the remains of the other seven clans and the player character, the kingdom was restored as a republic, and eventually Seren came back.

When asked about Zamorak's philosophy, Seren references this: ["Order only brings stagnation."] "Perhaps, but there is also imagination and community. When sharing with others, we can learn to see the world differently. Look at all my elves accomplished. It was undone for a time because of chaos. It was harmony that restored them." [Post- The Light Within dialogue.]

Note the emphasis on harmony, and how she looks down upon this. However, she does agree that the elves are stronger without her, evidenced by her refusal to lead them again after her return: "I will not leave you, not again, but I will not lead you. Let me, here and now, recognise this council as the true leadership of the elven people." [The Light Within quest dialogue.]

Zamorak ingame has never spoken about this event, it's on the other side of the continent and he doesn't much care about what Seren does so long as she stays away from him. However, speaking as my linktype, a son of Zamorak, and a warpriest of Zamorakian philosophy and religion, I feel qualified to explain what his philosophy does say about this event, and how it differs.

Zamorakian philosophy places emphasis on the chaos, and how through it, one becomes stronger. Seren says that she recognizes the clan council of the elven republic to be its true leadership. This council did not exist until after she left and left her followers to deal with the aftermath. Even so, their first attempt at fixing the situation was to create a monarchy, which was overthrown almost immediately.

Arguably, their first attempt via wisdom and harmony – modelling their new government after a human form of government that evidently worked, and by choosing their monarchs to represent them best – failed miserably. However, Iorwerth's assault forced the remaining elves to think of another solution that there was no historic precedence for. The clan leaders chose to go into hiding until someone else had overthrown Iorwerth, which didn't happen until the player character did so, over two thousand years later. Those elves who did not go fully into hiding instead created a resistance, aiming first to stop Clan Iorwerth from obtaining death magic that would have cemented its rule perhaps permanently, and then by taking it down once it was properly destabilized.

Their second attempt at a form of government, truly equal across all eight clans, is evidently better than their first attempt: it withstood the next upheaval of Seren's return and refusal to govern them again, and she gave the council her blessing. The solution they found through harmony and tranquility failed. The solution they found through chaos succeeded.

Seren places her emphasis on the fact that through the Iorwerth domination, the remaining elves worked together to find a solution. Zamorakian philosophy states that they never would have found that solution or learned to work together had their lives not been thrown into utter chaos.

Seren focuses on the harmony that is the method of survival, Zamorak focuses on the chaos that caused invention of an improved method of survival. Seren disavows chaos, disregarding that it is anything but an obstacle that needs to be overcome, refusing to see it as something worth seeking out. Zamorak disavows order, arguably incredibly similar to the Serenist ideal of harmony, and states that it only brings stagnation and is incredibly fragile and meaningless. Through this, the two philosophies are radically opposed, both disavowing what the other praises.

Compare this scenario to one more personal and recognizable to those who may read this: any scenario in which someone is put to their limits, any scenario potentially traumatizing. Serenist philosophy asks for integrity, that one stays true to oneself throughout it all, and harmony, to seek a peaceful solution. This is easily taken down by any situation in which one needs to change in order to survive, however, it also is best represented by the growth of the aftermath when it is time to rebuild. Zamorakian philosophy asks for strength, to find a way through no matter the cost, and celebration of strife, to recognize that there is a point to the pain. This is easily taken down by any sort of emotional trauma that leaves scars, however, it also is best represented by the ability to take any punches thrown and to recognize the good of recovery and what that means for the future.

Thus, in a situation of aftermath, both celebrate the growth and the strength necessary to survive, and meet up perfectly in the middle in any situation in which one is honest with themself, survives the ordeal, and recognizes that they are better than they were before.

Radically opposed, and when you tilt your head and squint, they lead to the same conclusion of a better tomorrow than yesterday was.

As my last point, the question of 'and what exactly does this have to do with gray areas of the alterhuman community?' requires an answer. Not all cases will fall under this, but here's a couple scenarios to think on. Someone who has a parallel life in another world: are they otherkin, or are they otherhearted? Someone who places emphasis on the differences between themself and their parallel life may recognize the other as their counterpart, but not quite them, too similar to be anything but family but too different to be the same person, like twins separated at birth. But someone who places emphasis on the similarities, recognizing the other as a reflection of themself, may say that they're otherkin, not so separate as to be family but too similar to be anything but the same person, if in two different situations.

Take further something psychological. Someone with executive dysfunction, an uncontrollable focus mechanism, emotional dysregulation, ostracization from their peers, and a lack of understanding of metaphors or half-truths may go to a pediatrician and be diagnosed as autistic. If they never go to that hypothetical pediatrician, but instead find themself online and hunting for answers, they may discover the otherkin community and come to the conclusion that they are Fair. Where one reads the apparent difference between themself and others as recognizing that they do not psychologically think the way others do, and thus being othered; one recognizes it as others having a gut feeling that they are simply not human, akin to an uncanny valley effect.

Lastly, consider someone who takes up believing themself to be a unicorn as a child, to deal with ostracization from their peers. Something along the lines of the last scenario. Years later, after growing up and discovering a friend group and no longer facing any ostracization, they determine that they still identify as a unicorn. They do research and understand that if they put in the effort over several decades and ego alteration, they may be capable of releasing that coping mechanism turned integral part of them, and letting it go.

Are they otherkin, or a copinglinker?

If they consider themself otherkin, then one can assume they would be disinterested in using ego alteration over a course of decades to let go. If they consider themself a copinglinker, then they may be interested, or they may not, but it would be more likely that they would at least consider the option before deciding either way. And if they do decide against it, does that make it otherkin? As the difference between the two is defined and largely accepted that otherkin is involuntary and copinglinking is, one might argue that they would still be a 'linker, as one cannot choose to be otherkin.

But are they keeping a linktype that they chose and are still choosing, or are they choosing to embrace a kintype that already exists?

I suppose which one it is depends on how you want to look at it, and where you want to place your emphasis of the experience. And no matter how someone else may look at it, the only one with final say is the one who experiences it in the first place.

Both conclusions lead to the same place, in the end: an alterhuman identity, and an experience worth exploring and talking about. No matter how one understands it, or what they ultimately decide to call it.

#otherkin #fictionkin #alterhuman #essays of the skyrose garden #luteia laments #on voluntary identity #on psychological otherkin #on copinglinking #see I know this'll piss people off but I also don't think I'm wrong here? #but I do want to hear thoughts #and if y'all make your own posts please tag me in them

[astral-actias]

#30 day nonhuman challenge

Yeah, okay, I'll bite. Not that I ever remember I'm doing this sort of thing, I'll probably forget soon, but meh! First three since I'm starting late. Plus one because I'm sure I'll forget...

Also, disclaimer, I don't call myself Otherkin, I don't particularly identify as Otherkin. There's a community association there that I'm not interested in having, and a lot of arbitrary rules and categorizations that have no bearing on my actual lived experiences. I'm just what I am. Also, what I am is fully human as well as fully fae, because I have two bodies: one here, and one on the astral, and I inhabit either/both.

1. I'm a faery. Couldn't tell you exactly what sort, if there's even a name for it. But I'm astrally about three feet tall at most, fluffy, and very much like a humanoid luna moth.

2. I don't see being nonhuman as a thing that's related to 'coming out' or not. I don't need to come out as a person who likes French toast, or as an artist, or as autistic. I might tell someone about those things, but I don't see it as a binary in/out of some closet. There's situations and people to which it's relevant, and there are those to which it's not. That's all.

That being said, my partner and a surprising number of my friends do know. They're quite chill about it.

3. It was some years ago, in my earlier 30s, and I was sitting in a particular tree that I quite like and meditating with no real goal. I suddenly had a very powerful vision of my astral appearance, but no idea what to make of it. It just struck me like a bolt of lightning with no further explanation.

A day or two later, someone on Tumblr's witchy side mentioned that if anyone could spare them some energy, they would appreciate it, and I thought, well, I can, I'll give it a try. Maybe I'll go deliver it to their astral 'home.' I hadn't succeeded in astral travel for a good seven or eight years, but I tried anyway. Didn't work until I thought, wait, what about that other form I saw...is that something I could be?

And then boom, I was the fae-thing I saw, and astral travel suddenly became ridiculously easy to accomplish. (For a while, at least, it wasn't a permanent free pass but it was a definite breakthrough.) Since then, if I want to do some astral work, I just close my eyes here, do a little mental reshuffling and ritual, and open them over there. It does persist here in certain ways, also: energetically I read as fae, strongly human-based magical paradigms often fail or are downright hostile towards me, and spirits sometimes don't even realize I have a human life because I just seem entirely fae to them aside from a weird human 'smell' if they're perceptive enough.

4. I used to. It was a good starting point. But I don't now, no. There's no particular community that I identify with, other than maybe the physically-local Otherkin community which is small and can actually properly be called a community as a result.

I'm not happy with how dilute the online Otherkin scene is. And I don't mean because of Tumblr/TikTok kinnies either. I really couldn't care less, let them do their thing. I mean that I have very little in common with most Otherkin, even less with fictionkin, and get on better with witches and pagans in general if I had to pick a group. I don't see the point in all the endless debates and ever-finer categorizations. I don't feel any particular kinship with psychological Otherkin either, as I'm from an entirely magical paradigm and that seems increasingly rare. I have a lot of very grave concerns with (especially younger fictionkin, but I've seen all ages and groups do it) using nonhuman identity as a way to not even cope with, but completely rebrand and thereby deny deep mental issues. And as far as I care, the eternal debate about whether being Otherkin can have any element of voluntary choice or not is happening on another planet from me, because the very question itself is based in nonsense from where I'm standing.

So, no. Otherkin is the closest proxy to a community I've found, but it's ultimately not a group identity that I get along with. Before I disavowed it, I used to stress about whether or not I "counted," considering how easy it was to say "well if you have any choice at all in the master then you just aren't real Otherkin," and then I realized that giving random assholes on the internet the means to revoke your communal identity is a stupid idea and the only winning move is to just not play.

So I don't. I'm just fae. That can't be taken from me. (Though I could reject it myself, but I don't see why I would.)

(There, remembered to actually make a separate post and spare poor OP my editorializing.)

#30 day nonhuman challenge #otherkin #nonhuman #fae

[theangrycomet]

Comparing KO’s (OK KO) Character Arc to Cassandra’s (TTS)

Ok THIS^ actually bothers me and I really hope it’s a shit-post. Sorry, @astratic, but you have inadvertently signed up for some Character Analysis.

Let’s establish one critical difference between Cassandra and KO before we really dig into this shall we?

Cassandra is a fully developed, fully functional adult roughly in her early to mid twenties.

KO is a CHILD, who’s age is literally 6-11, though fans typically agree that he acts in the 8-9 range. Additionally, he is commonly head cannoned to be on the Autistic Scale and/or ADHD.

Because of this, their decisions and actions need to be seen through different lenses.

Point 1: work tirelessly to become a hero like [parent] who you idolize

KO:

This statement perfectly depicts KO’s goals. KO strives to be a hero in order to help people to the best of his abilities. He hates being useless and powerless to help his friends, so he trains to be a better hero and works through his struggles with their help. He lives to be like his mommy and his father-figure. I mean, look at him when Gar praises KO and tells him how proud he is of him.

Cassandra:

Cassandra’s goals are different. She wants to be a guard at the end of the day for glory. She wants people to see and acknowledge her abilities and strength and admire her for it.

Yes, making her dad proud is a benefit of that, but that is NOT her driving motivation.

Point 2: Become discourage by lack of progress and hindrance by social status

KO:

Social status was NEVER KO’s problem. His stalling in progress, as I mentioned in another post, was a mental block. He couldn’t tap into his power He came from lower middle, working class family with a single mom.

Cassandra:

Social Status was her problem, but only up until the 1st season finale where she was placed as Captain of the Guard.

She had regular progress in getting more time and respect as a royal guard. The fact that She CHOSE to leave that behind in order to follow her crush on some half-baked, unplanned road trip is only the fault of her own. She threw out the chance she had been waiting for for her entire life to follow Rapunzel.

And than was given numerous opportunities through out the trip to leave and pursue other goals. 

Point 3. Be Mentally Ill

Okay, first OP, you could phrased that WAY better. 

Secondly, the mental struggles our characters face are completely different and largely incomparable so to group the two is insulting to both characters.

KO: 

Disassociative Identity Disorder (or multiple personality disorder) 

Possible Undiagnosed Autism and or ADHD

KO develops Disassociative Identity Disorder, due to his frustration at lack of progress, the manipulation of Shadowy figure, and his bottling up of negative emotions. KO is mostly unaware of what happens when TKO is in charge and vice-versa. It took the two a long time to figure out how to work together and eventually merge back into one personality. 

He also demonstrates some traits typically associated with Autism and ADHD, though some of those could be on account of his age. It is a common head cannon amongst fans that his either and sometimes both. 

Cassandra:

Cassandra doesn’t have to deal with any mental illness until the season 3 finale where it can be gleamed that she’s working through depression if you squint at it. 

Yes, there is the Blueberry Ghost, but she was never a result of Cass’ mental state so much as her being host to the Moon Stone. 

Her struggles lie in reigning in her anger and her pride so that she can see problems from unbiased perspectives and apologize for her actions. And that is left still unresolved by the time the finale comes around. 

Point 4. find out long lost parent is actually horrifically villainous and have a whole crisis about it.

Perhaps, we need a little reminder here before I dig into this one:

KO is a child figuring himself out and Cassandra is an adult figuring out what she wants in life.

KO:

KO had been struggling with his darker side for quite some time before he asked his Mom about who exactly his dad was. 

This was something the show had demonstrated time after time that bothered KO, not knowing who his dad was.

So he finds out his dad was this big time hero, and gets reassurance from that fact that he comes from great heroes, so he too can be a hero. Only for that to be immediately tossed out the window when it’s revealed that the only person he hates in the entire world, the person he dubs as the truly evil villain, is actually his father. 

His whole world is not only shook to its core, but his self-confidence as well. Laserblast was a great hero who turned villain; what does that mean for a hero-in-training whose already struggling with that darker side. 

Praise Carol for not killing PV on the spot. 

Additionally, PV didn’t actually know KO even existed until a few months before this incident, and wasn’t even sure if KO was his kid (KO does coincidentally share a lot of Physical attributes to Gar) until KO came busting in, wearing Laserblast’s helmet and bragging about how his dad was a great hero.

So when they attempted to have that father-son relationship, it was as awkward and strained as it should have been. (I’ll get to the OK KO Finale in just a minute)

Cassandra:

Cass could have cared less as to whom her real parents were. She had her dad. She had her goals. She had her job. Who her parents were and why they dumped her on the Captain was irrelevant to her life. 

She didn’t care until Season 3, and that whole season was OOC for everybody, 

Even then, it wasn’t so much as a crisis so much as an excuse to use to fight Rapunzel. It didn’t matter that Gothel was her mother, it mattered that Gothel picked the Sundrop over her. Which in all honesty was the best thing that could have happened to Cass.

Her “crisis” revolved around a dead woman’s shattered legacy more than her mother. 

Point 5: Fall under the influence of said Villainous parental figure

KO TKO: (again, a CHILD)

TKO was used and manipulated into letting his darker side show by Professor Venomous/ Shadowy Figure, (this is my opinion), in order to actually have something they could relate to eachother on. 

Yes, Shadowy Venomous saw TKO as more of his tool for power, but you can’t deny that he wasn’t motivated to have his son by his side. 

Additionally, KO had at this point literally locked away a part of himself because he didn’t have the tools to deal TKO with this mentally or emotionally. So he responded the best way he could and pushed the problem down so he and others wouldn’t have to keep cleaning up TKO’s messes.  

KO was in desperate need for someone to understand how he was and how to help him.

And guess who was there.

Cassandra: (again, an ADULT)

Cass was never led on by Gothel, she was led on by Zhan Tiri.

Cass was delusioned that the moonstone was hers by Zhan Tiri just as much as Rapunzel was delusioned into thinking stopping the moonstone was her destiny by Demanitus. 

However, Zhan Tiri really didn’t make Cass do anything, she never pushed her past the breaking point, she never forced her to do anything. 

Baked Ziti only prompted Cass, reminding her what she was angry at. 

Cass was perfectly capable of ignoring her and doing her own thing. 

Point 6: suddenly and dramatically betray everyone you love even as they plead with you to stop. Become convinced they all hate you except for [villainous parental figure] who is actually just manipulating you to gain power.

This point is actually a very good description of what happened to both, given different contexts. Again, remember that KO is a child who is significantly more easily influenced than Cass should have been.

(Note: again, Zhan Tiri’s not her Parental figure and neither was Gothel)

Point 7: ruin everything and destroy your home

KO TKO:

His destructive rampage was motivated by the betrayal of the one person he believed to understand and support him entirely. He was literally grabbed by the shirt, lifted in the air, told he was nothing more than a tool at best, and that the plan to conquest together had been a lie. 

Wonder where I’ve seen THAT BEFORE?

(Sorry about the low photo Quality, I quickly search and screen shotted so)

(yes it’s this scene that made me think Mad Ben and TKO would get along)

Cassandra:

Which betrayal are we talking about? Because both involve trained guards rightfully attacking Cass for injuring the crown royalty and wrecking the castle.

Point 8/9: snap out of it at the last second and be horrified at what you've wrought/ the world is fixed by an incredible magic. Reconcile with your loved ones. Flourish

KO: 

This is accurate. 

But KO didn’t have to lose his power to see how bad he messed up. He was actually at the top of his game. He probably could have taken out the President of the Universe if he really wanted to. Instead he begged for everything to get fixed, and wished that EVERYONE (even Professor Venomous) could live their best lives. 

Cassandra:

She was only repentent AFTER she lost her power. Even then, she does not apologize for her actions but rather the circumstances and ONLY to Rapunzel herself. She does not care that she caused a world catastrophe, and still wouldn’t have had she won. 

With how it was executed, Cass did NOT deserve such an easy redemption. She should have had to work at it. She should have at least attempted to apologize to the people whose lives she ruined. To the people she’s hurt. Not just Rapunzel. Rapunzel has no right to forgive her in place of everyone else. 

Eugene should not have to forgive her.

Varian should not have to forgive her.

The Brotherhood honestly deserves to fight her in combat. 

She should not have been able to ride off into the sunset and avoid the consequences of her actions. 

BUT I digress. 

IN SUMMARY:

KO and Cass, while they share some similarities, do NOT have the same Character Arc. At all.

Sincerely, 

TheAngryComet

#I was enraged when I read this #Ok KO Let's be Heroes #OK KO #KO #TKO #MKO #Kaio Kincaid #Professor Venomous #Shadowy Figure #LaserBlast #Shadowy Venomous #Mr.Gar #Gar #Eugene Garcia #El Bow #Carol Kincaid #Silver Sparks #Carol Garcia #Tangled the Series #TTS #Rapunzel #Cassandra #Moon!Cass #Moon Cassandra #Lightly Salted #Erm.. #okay more than a little #Salty #Salt #Character Analysis

[1863-project]

Why My Tablet Is Named “Chuggington Depot Dispatch Tower,” or That Time I Wanted To Date A Human On A Train Show

This is something I apparently haven’t lived down for seven years now because people still associate me with the show, which is very much a property aimed at preschoolers. I have no children.

Anyhow, if you peruse my Tumblr archives, you might notice a frequently used tag is ‘stupid train show.’ The show in question is Chuggington, a talking train show for the preschool set - more or less a more utopian version of Thomas and Friends, where the trains are actually nice to each other for the most part and society has maintained steam, diesel, and electric locomotives who work in harmony together. Overall, it’s a cute, harmless show for little kids. I grew up watching the much more violent Thomas and Friends/Shining Time Station when I was younger, so Chuggington felt weirdly benign to me when I found it.

I found it because in January 2014 I was in grad school and up at 1 am doing readings for my library science degree. I adore Buster Keaton - we both like trains, baseball, and comedy - and so when I was flipping through the channels trying to find background noise Chuggington caught my eye because I thought I could make a few Keaton references to myself to amuse myself. Instead I was greeted with an adorable episode of two trains going human-spotting (if humans who go train-spotting are derisively referred to as ‘foamers’ or ‘anoraks,’ what’s the derogatory term for a train that goes human-spotting?). Cute, very cute. Shouldn’t become a fixation or anything. Right?

Unfortunately for me, there was Eddie.

Now, as I mentioned above, I was in grad school at the time this happened. I was very lonely at the time - if I got to see my friends once a month, I was happy. I was in class during the week and working as a historical tour guide on the weekends. I wasn’t getting to see other people very often, so I was a bit contact-starved. I was more or less primed to have yet another crush on a fictional character despite turning 25 later that year. It also didn’t help that the fictional character in question looked a lot like my first actual crush, a kid I worked at a history camp with in high school who did Revolutionary War reenacting. (I never saw him in non-historical clothing. This is probably why I crushed so hard.)

So I’m sitting there at 1 am, tired from a long day of grad school and commuting, and this guy who looks like an adult version of a boy I liked when I was younger shows up on a talking train show. I instantly need to know more. I proceeded to stay up until at least 3 am because it turned out Chuggington had a wiki, and I did a drawing of Eddie to get it out of my system. I presumed I’d be moving along now that I’d dealt with it.

I did not move along. I watched every available episode of the show.

I liveblogged this experience on this very blog, often using the tag ‘goddamnit Eddie’ to express my frustration over the fact that I had come across a person with the traits I usually look for in a significant other and he was fictional. Again. But this was a kind young man who approached engineering problems around him with enthusiasm and delighted in little discoveries like old popcorn wagons and busted electric guitars, and he had patience with the characters around him who were still learning and growing (remember, this is a preschool show). As an autistic woman I’m attracted to patience, to say the least. I don’t really know any men like him in real life, and if I did I’d be...well, interested.

Anyhow, I had a brief period of notoriety amongst my friends on this website because I went really hard. I watched every available episode of every available season of a train show for preschoolers in the span of a month and a half or so. I am, to this day, the blog that mentions Chuggington the most on this website. People still associate me with the show. I still get asks about the show from time to time in my inbox. Eddie is still everyone’s answer to “ship me with a fictional character” memes if I reblog any. I cannot escape this.

And at this point in my life, I’m not sure I want to. It wasn’t hurting anyone, and it was bringing me a lot of enjoyment during a fairly stressful period in my life (grad school is exhausting, let me be honest). Sure, we all look back at things we did and enjoyed when we were younger and sometimes we cringe at ourselves, but ultimately, if we were having fun and weren’t hurting anyone with it, was it really that terrible? And maybe we learned from what we were enjoying - some new information, some new skills, or maybe how to treat people better as we developed social skills and a better understanding of other people through our fandom interactions. Is it really cringe if we grew during and from it and had a good time?

#story time #Chuggington #stupid train show #goddamnit Eddie

[khangowrites]

Is it a Complaint Essay or is the Workplace Unsuitable?

Ah, what am I writing today? Oh, well I suppose it’s almost 12am. Seems like a good a time as any. I wanted to just jot down a few re-occurring experiences I’ve had in the workplace and sometimes in other social spaces, and attempt to analyze them.

CW: mild mentions of abuse and bodily ailments.

A bit of forward: I tend to mask myself heavily whenever I am in any social situation; whether it be at work, at home, with friends or online (although I’m getting better at being myself on Discord at least. I owe a lot to my friends who accept me and whom I care so much about.) What this means is I often plan out what I’m needed to say in advance of a situation. I have an arsenal of about 5 minutes of small talk before I tank and several small greetings/placations I can cycle through on any given day if I’m not overloaded. I also limit my natural inclination to movement.

It’s called unprofessional/unsightly to sit with your legs folded under you, or to sway and shake your arms and legs back and forth in time to music in your head. But it’s okay if you tap your pencil. Everyone does that.

I have to wonder how noticeable my ‘masked’ self is. How real or fake it appears.

There have been a few trends I’ve seen with the way people treat me as an employee in the time I’ve been in the workforce. For clarity, I am a 23 year old 5’1” AFAB person with a face that looks like it stopped aging when I was 12. I’m non-binary, but I’ve seen that many have a hard time using a different pronoun for me because I look ‘so feminine’. I had one old man repeatedly tell me that my body was too pretty and that I shouldn’t hide it and ‘pretend’ to be something else. I was and still am quite unsettled and disgusted by that comment.

I haven’t used my full preferred pronouns at work simply based in fear of being fired or discriminated against further. Same thing at home- I haven’t told all my family out of fear. I may look back on this at some future date where I fully respect myself and I’m confident. I look forward to that day.

Oh, and I’m autistic.

Perhaps it is one of these things or all of them that cause people to treat me certain ways. I’d like to find out.

I worked outdoors at an Orchard for a season. They called me Cinderella because of the way I looked when I cleaned. They gave employees gloves and heaters. Only not me. When I asked, I was given a broken one and told to fix it. A coworker who had intellectual disabilities and poor eyesight was not offered a heater at all. I did not renew for the next season. Kim and I stayed in touch though.

I worked next at a gift shop at a historical site. I loved the history and the old buildings, but the cashier work was admittedly difficult. Most of the employees were kind, retired old ladies who treated me gently, like a child. Sometimes too much like a child. The assistant manager seemed wary of me, and she often avoided me. I don’t know why. I’m not good with eye contact, and I always fear that people will mistake my zoning out as being creepy or disrespectful; maybe it was that. She never brought her kids with her on days I worked.

The head manager was courteous, but always called me Special. We had an older man work in the last 2 years I was there who had a strong inclination to associate with the children at the shop, and in turn, me as well. He would always want a hug or pat me on the back, but ignored the other workers. I told the managers my uncomfortable feelings about him, but it went mostly unnoticed.

When it was found that I was decent with computers, I was tasked with entering jewelry into the system and creating labels with number associations. I enjoyed it, and they promised me a decent raise. My pay was raised a dollar several weeks later, and I found myself being tasked with more and more computer work, to the point of becoming an office manager myself, earning a grand total of 9 dollars an hour while my counterpart who started a year earlier owned a home on the same work.

I left that job after 4 years to be the music director at a local church. I love music and was excited. Maybe too excited. I developed acid re-flux and was hospitalized the week before my start day due to a panic attack. I realize now it was from stress. I also had an ovarian cyst removed a year later- it took up my entire pelvis and its formation was also attributed to stress. I’ve since been diagnosed with generalized anxiety, and I continue to have ever changing digestive issues, muscle problems and panic attacks.

After realizing I was autistic and also non-binary, so much of the stress of life started to make sense. The past few months I have been making life changes, and working towards finding a workplace that is accommodating and safe for me. My stress has lessened.

I worked at the church for 2 years. My last day is actually at the end of this month. As is the trend, I was not treated with respect when it came to my job. My pastor started choosing the hymns over me, and would make comments about me during services. His favorite was to say that my music made him fall asleep, and wait for laughter from the congregation. He had no musical knowledge, and forced me to play every song as fast as I possibly could. He didn’t believe I could do my job. Any attempts at mutual work failed to manifest. I unfortunately was groomed by a member of the hiring committee there as well, a type of abuse I didn’t even realize I had fallen into until several months after it was too late.

I currently work at a high school as a choir accompanist. I use she/they pronouns there, but no one uses they and I’m too worried to be fully they like I am outside of work. I am wary of soiling my relationship with the director further. She’s quite religious in the ‘gays don’t have rights’ way, so I have my fears.

The director is kind, but sees me as this innocent child that happens to have natural piano abilities, and the mutual respect that I’ve come to dream of just isn’t there again.

The director has the key to the doors and lets students in without fail, but conveniently forgets to let me in almost every day. At one time, I was in physical therapy and had a hard time standing and walking for any period of time. I almost went home because she didn’t answer any communication, class started 20 minutes previously, and it was 90 degrees outside and I needed to sit down because my legs were cramping. She plans the music weeks in advance, but doesn’t give them to me until the day the students get it, despite my repeated asking for time to prepare.

One day I was on zoom and she and the student teacher greeted me and then ignored my presence and played the piano herself for class. She struggled with the parts and commented to the choir that, “wow, Ms. Khango is actually pretty dang good at this- that little girl can play!”, but didn’t listen to me when I offered to play. I left the zoom after an hour.

The online students seemed to share my surprise at least, and I am grateful to them. They kept me grounded and reminded me that I matter and should have the same respect as everyone else in the room, zoom or not. They talk to me about not being heard and their chats not being read during class. It bothered me, too. The next week I brought it up to her in the form of making sure the zoom students were heard and she quickly dismissed it, like it was a puff of smoke. The students online now ask me questions directly and I relay them. It’s met with annoyance by the director.

They have voices too.

One of the scariest moments of my life was last week- I wore my ‘disability rights are human rights’ shirt to school. (Okay, maybe not scary to some, but it very much was for me.) After class, one of the students came to me and asked if I could help him find a way for his grandfather to get a seat at the concert, as he was disabled and he didn’t know how to proceed.

It filled me with joy to help him, and it filled me with rage when the teachers asked if his grandpa could just get out of the wheelchair instead.

My overall conclusion to all of these things is that people simply don’t understand, or don’t want to because it makes their lives harder.

Is discrimination and ignorance really easier than respecting people?

I’m not sure if this is all just one big complaint essay. I guess it is. What I needed to do was write it all out. All the things that make me uneasy or feel like lesser of a person. And I wanted to know why.

I note that at every job I am perceived as a child, or as someone naïve. I am not treated the same as another adult employee. I was ostracized for my way of moving and talking. Taken advantage of. My needs were not accommodated.

Even now, I feel guilt for writing this, like I’m just playing the victim for attention or something.

I want to be strong enough to stand up to it and ask to be treated with respect and have it follow through.

I want to unmask myself more and let myself move and talk naturally, and use my real pronouns.

My respect for myself and for others must become a powerful force.

My friends on discord- my real, genuine friends, have become monumental in my life. Most of my life I did not have true friends. Without them and their unconditional love and support, I would not be where I am right now. We are all equals. I want to embody that strong respect and bring it to others.

It’s getting late. 1 a.m. now. Well, I have tomorrow. Plenty of time for Star Trek.

#workplace problems #actuallyautistic #essay #nonbinary #figuring out life

[nightklok]

Abigail for the ask meme!

YES OF COURSE

1) Uncommon headcanon about them I am deeply attached to. 

She’s autistic, just undiagnosed until she hangs around Nathan and realizes her similarities with him and then she figures it out  

And also love the idea of her sharing a braincell with Dethklok sometimes. No one can hang around dethklok in a room with them for a long time and at least not do one stupid thing with them. One day I’ll write that fic where she assembles IKEA furniture with them and it ends with them all setting it on fire. One day.

2) Widely-held headcanon about them that I reject. 

I feel like the same answer for Nathan kinda sums it up best-

But also I don’t think she’d blame Nathan for what happened because it’s not inherently his fault when’s all said and done? I dunno but just blaming a person for another person’s actions is just...no. <3 I feel while the dethdinner scene is used as the reason for it being ‘Nathan’s fault Abigail got kidnapped’, I don’t think the placement of where Abigail sat in the funeral really would’ve changed regardless. She was just in the wrong place at the wrong time; they just treated the funeral as a stab one, get one kinda deal. 

I dunno I feel like a lot of this has to do with me and probably this is my philosophy on forgiveness/not forgiving but I don’t think she’d really be all that angry. At first, yes, but I think there would be things she’d realize where she is just as much of a victim as everyone else is in the prophecy; Toki was kidnapped and hurt, and eventually, everyone will have to go fight against someone they have never had knowledge of prior. They have powers they can’t control, a role that she can’t imagine anyone having especially that late in life, and well, I think she’d inherently forgive and still be a great person. Forgiving a person can make you a better person but also not forgiving a person makes you a better person as well.  It’s all about doing things at your own pace and seeing what you think will make you a better person. There are people I will never forgive in my lifetime but I use that as fuel to not be that kind of person and there are people that I forgive but I use what they did as fuel to be a better person. I feel like people forget that especially with her but forgiving them won’t make her a weaker person, she’s just doing her own thing at her own pace!

3) What were they like as a kid? What was their early life like? 

I don’t think I’d use this personally for my fics but I like the idea of her having maybe one or two older brothers and how she really rough-housed with them, learning to fight and actually be a strong person! She really gives me that vibe of ‘growing up with older brothers’ type and I wouldn’t be surprised. The music business is a cutthroat business and she’s prepared for that!

I do think she was a rather outspoken kid though, absolutely willing to pick a fight and comes home with lots of scrapes and bruises. She feels like the type of kid to know her way around woods, collect rocks and bugs, probably had a pet frog,, summon demons in school yards, have a great friend group, and just live the childhood that she deserves!

4) Symbols/motifs that I associate with them–colors, animals, zodiac signs, mythic themes, imagery, objects, etc. 

Ohhh man because I ship her with Nathan, it really helped me figure out her symbolism. I feel like she’s a water god too in a sense, but her powers might be used for negative purposes compared to Nate if she doesn’t control them well. After all, she had gone through a bit and it’d be easy to give in and allow the world to be destroyed but she won’t because she’s learned to control it and learned to let go of things. 

I also love to associate with her the ocean and just the sunsets/sunrises that come right after a storm. There’s a feeling there that I can’t quite describe but I love it and it reminds me of her.

5) Other characters or types of people I have in mind when I draw and/or write them. 

If I have to be honest I don’t think I have other people in mind because she’s the person I’d have in mind when writing someone else!

6) What I project onto them when I draw and/or write them. 

I feel like it’s the whole forgiveness/not forgiveness, learning to cope with trauma, and even learning that it’s okay to fall in love with men as bisexual person! 

I feel like quarantine really brought out the worst of trauma because I was suppressing stuff I shouldn’t have for years but I had no real outlet. Crying on discord vent chats, even going as far as publicly admitting my SA on a post because people REALLY need to be leashed at times on what content they create-what a mess these past few months were sfdljk This is basically all public now whether I like it or not and I feel like in a sense, Abigail kinda has to go through with that too. Even though people may know her as a kidnap victim much like Toki and the communities of support are definitely welcomed, there are times where you just wanna pack everything and leave and drive to somewhere where you can fully start over. I feel like she would have that kind of situation and maybe she does but ends up realizing that it’s not the healthiest way to cope with trauma so she ends up coming back and does agree to actually get proper help. It’s so easy to run away, get angry but not change anything, and other things but the first step is recognizing you’re hurt and then getting help. It goes a long way.

Abigail is my therapy in a sense but that’s basically why I don’t want to write her as this angry, unforgiving person even if she does have a right. It feels like I’d be taking steps back personally on where I am and sometimes, you do need to let anger go and try to move on to other things. besides, there are other writers who may have written similar things and chosen to have her not forgive and leave them which is great! It’s just not my cake but I know that the cake i’m making is probably something others would like to try too. 

One day I’ll finish that fic where Dethklok represents the five stages of grief and their interaction with her. ONE DAY I SWEAR-

7) A surprising hobby, interest, or phobia they have.

Her hobby is trying to convince Charles to not release that rap album as his debut album, she’s trying-

She has a fear of water because I really love the deeper meaning of that when pairing her up with Nathan, someone who probably lives in water and the fact she must go into the water at a point with him. She will conquer the fear but I like the idea of her representing the darkest parts of water but it’s up to her on whether or not she will become the darkest parts of the water or learn to control the waves. 

I think also Abigail being a plant mom like @wumbo-calling mentioned is such a good idea. She has her own little green room full of various plants, she can even grow fruits and just makes smoothies or cakes out of them it’s great! :D 

#abigail remeltindtdrinc #apineappleheart #Insomniac Coffee Talks [asks]

[speedycubed]

use the sleeves of my sweater.

summary: luke had been glad when his dysphoria shifted from being in the wrong body to being in no body, but that all comes crashing around him after playing the orpheum.

notes: this story features trans & autistic luke. i draw from my own experiences as an autistic transmasc individual when describing things that have to do with those features. // crossposted on ao3 if you would rather read it there.

triggers: descriptions of dysphoria, unsafe binding (not taking a binder off for extended periods of time & exercising in a binder)

The one thing Luke had been on board with after becoming a ghost was the lessened dysphoria. Without a corporeal body, most of the dysphoria the first few weeks had been about being intangible as opposed to being in the wrong body. It was blissful to have something else to focus on when it came to his body.

But after he had adjusted to being a ghost, and especially after the Orpheum performance, dysphoria came smashing back into his life. It had happened one day in rehearsal. He was jumping around, strumming his guitar as he always did when he felt a pressure on his ribs. Luke stopped jumping around, deciding to stand still, figuring that would solve his problem. A few minutes later, after they finished that runthrough, he sat on the couch, claiming to be worn out. That was when he felt it.

The press of his breasts against his binder.

He had died wearing it and since they didn’t need to breathe anymore and were made of air, he felt no need to ever take it off. After all, the phantoms had been distracted by the fact that they were ghosts with no bodies to speak of to focus on changing clothes. Even after they figured out that they could, it was all just to regain some normalcy in their (after)lives.

But after jumping and sweating for the hours of rehearsal, he was finally feeling it. That was going to bruise.

Luke looked up, noticing the concern in Julie’s eyes. “It’s fine,” he said, waving a hand to dismiss concern. “Just my ribs hurt after all that exercise.”

“Your ribs? That’s weird. Don't you mean, like, a stitch in your side or something like that?” she asked, wanting to make sure her boyfriend was okay.

Fuck. He should have just gone with that. Now he’s stuck between a rock and a hard place. Most people don’t get rib pain from exercise. They get other types of pain, sure, but this is a trans issue.

“Uh, y-yeah,” Luke pointed at her, nodding to cover his shame at almost getting caught, “That’s what I meant. Have a stitch in my side, yep, that’s what my pain is.” Stupid brain making him flap his hands and stutter through the agreement. Now she would know something was wrong.

“Okay. Well, if you can take it, there’s some Tylenol in the bathroom behind the mirror.” She nodded, dismissing herself, a worry still clear on her face, but not wanting to make it worse.

As soon as Julie was out of the studio, Alex was next to Luke, sitting on the floor in front of him.

“Take it off,” Alex said, voice stern.

Luke laughed it off, which only made the pain worse. “Take what off?” His nervous laughter filled the studio followed by coughing.

“You think we didn’t notice?” Reggie said from up in the loft. He tossed one of Luke’s bigger hoodies that still had the sleeves on it over the railing before poofing to be next to the guitarist. “You died wearing it and haven’t taken it off since.”

Luke huffed, crossing his arms. “It’s not like I needed to breathe! And until just now I didn’t even notice the pressure.”

“Breathe?” Alex and Reggie looked up, seeing Julie with a water bottle in hand. The bottle dropped, plastic making it bounce a couple of times before stilling. “And the thing with rib pain earlier…” She walked up to her boyfriend, kneeling in front of him. “You don’t have to answer, but this sounds familiar. I’m so sorry, I wouldn’t be asking unless I figured that knowing would make me able to help more. Luke—” Julie looked him in the eyes, wishing she could hold his hands as she spoke to give some comfort, but that might make it worse. “—are you trans?”

Luke looks up, fear in his eyes. Thoughts ran through his head a mile a minute. How did she find out? Is she going to want to date me anymore? Is she going to quit the band? How will I cope if she leaves? Fuckfuckfuckfuck.

She seems to see his panic and backtracks. “I’m so, so, sorry if you’re not and this makes it seem like I’m assuming things, but with the breathing problems and the sudden need to rest and the rib pain… It all sounds like what one of the boys at school was talking about during one of our gay club meetings. And if you are I want to be supportive and help in any way that you’ll let me.” Her words rush out, apologizing for what she said, telling them that it was rude of her to ever ask and that she shouldn’t have, it’s none of her business, that she wouldn’t have asked without a reason.

The other two boys in the room got it, nodding along to her apology while they tried to comfort their friend.

But the one she was apologizing to didn’t hear any of it. Luke was quiet, his brain still telling him that this was a bad idea. All he could do was let out some tears before grabbing the hoodie Reggie had brought him and fleeing off to the bathroom to change.

Yanking his binder off proved to both lessen and enhance his dysphoria. Now he couldn’t feel the pressure of having his chest tied down, reminding him that he had breasts, but now everyone else could see that he had them. Luke put his shirt back on, slipping the hoodie over his head, and poofed off to the beach where he didn’t have to deal with the fact that he was just basically forced out of the closet by his girlfriend.

He chewed on the sleeves of his hoodie, having chewed the strings out long ago, staring out at the people on the beach. Now everything felt wrong. His skin pulled tight and he felt all of the body dysphoria he thought he had escaped after becoming a ghost.

The corners of his sleeves were soaked in his saliva before he got tired of staring at the people on the beach who all just reminded him of what he could never be. He poofed into the bike shop that stood where the Peters’ house had once been.

There was only one worker, a teenager dressed in all black. But it was the music playing over the speakers that he really noticed. It was classical. Something he didn’t expect from a bike shop, but it helped. Classical had been the only genre he ever listened to before developing his own music taste. His mother and father were both classically trained string players who had signed Luke up for viola lessons as soon as he expressed interest in his parents’ instruments, so their house was always full of symphonies.

As much as it hurt to hear music that he always associated with his parents, it was nice to have something else to focus on. Now Luke just focused on picking apart the instruments used during each section, wondering how he would play it if given the sheet music. It was calming to try and remember each position and each fingering. It was calming to try and pick apart each line, each note, in order to try and find the key.

His concentration was broken by the sound of the phone ringing. The employee sighed, rolling their eyes as they picked it up. At the same time that happened, Luke heard a little “poof” next to him. He turned only to see Alex.

“How did you even think to check here?”

“Saw your silhouette in the window as we checked the beach,” Alex said.

Luke groaned at the “we.” That meant that the others were here.

“Did you tell her?”

“No.”

Luke fell silent once more. A part of him was glad that the boys hadn’t spilled his secret. It wasn’t theirs to tell, after all. But another part of him wished that they had just told Julie. That would have taken all of the pressure off of him.

He looked at Alex as the final notes of Vivaldi’s “Four Seasons: Summer” faded and the host began to introduce the next piece.

“Can you tell her for me? I’m pretty sure that she already knows after earlier, j-just confirm it for her.” The guitarist hated that he had to ask—it put unfair pressure on Alex. Having to ask someone else to come out for him was a coward’s move, but Luke was so, so scared. He didn’t want to have to face Julie, knowing that no matter what she said, it was likely to worsen his mood. And that would worsen his dysphoria as his mind sat in its darkest corners.

“Yeah.” Alex nodded, poofing back out to the beach.

Luke turned around in the bike shop so he could see his bandmates. Even though he couldn’t hear them, he could tell exactly when the words left Alex’s mouth. He could tell because he knew Julie’s body language. He saw her nod and bite her bottom lip before opening her mouth to talk.

He could imagine her voice as she told the boys how she didn’t love him anymore. Logically, Luke knew that this wouldn’t be something that Julie would break up with him over. She often talked about Los Feliz’s gay club (the offical title was the Los Feliz GSA, but no one called it that, according to Julie) and suppoting her non-cis friends. But anxiety is a bitch. The voice in his head said that the reason he saw tears on his girlfriend’s cheeks was because she thought he had lied to her. The voice in his head said that he was about to get broken up with.

Luke decided that the voice in his head was a little bitch and poofed out of the bike shop, landing next to Julie.

She turned to him, wiping her tears. “You know I don’t think of you any differently because of this, right?” Her eyes were wide, pleading him to soak in her words. She loved him and nothing would change that.

I kn-know, j-just…” He pursed his lips, bringing his sleeve up once more. Luke hated his stupid stutter, especially when it came to difficult conversations. He chewed on his sleeves, trying to find the words. “Anxiety.” It was all that he could come up with as an explanation without devolving into word vomit.

Julie nodded in understanding. “Anxiety’s a bitch.”

The group fell quiet as Luke flopped onto the beach. He removed his sleeve for a moment to ask for hugs, which the boys gave. Julie sat next to him and held his hand so she wouldn’t be seen hugging air. They may have figured out how to talk to them in pubic (a pair of cheap earbuds with the wires cut off made for an excellent pair of fake AirPods that made people think she was just on the phone), but they couldn’t figure out how to make her be able to touch them in public without looking insane.

“I’m sorry,” she said. “I was out of line, that was an invasive question that I shouldn’t have asked. I keep talking about boundaries and yet I completely broke one of yours today.”

“It’s fine.” His voice was muffled from the stimming, but the words were easy enough to make out.

Julie looked to her metamour, asking for help. Reggie had known Luke a lot longer, so she figured he might be able to get the point across a little better. Reggie shook his head. This was between her and Luke.

“Hey buddy, are you better enough that Alex and I can leave? I think you and Julie need to have a talk—boyfriend to girlfriend.”

Luke snorted. “But you’re my boyfriend, idiot.” His eyes got sad once again, “But you’re right. See you guys.”

Reggie and Alex poofed out, heading back to the studio.

“You may say it’s fine Luke, but that’s not going to stop me from apologizing. I’m sorry. It’s none of my business.”

“But y-you’re my girlfriend… Doesn’t that make it your bus-business?”

“Only if you wanted it to be. If it’s to become my business then you have to be the one to make it my business. You would have had to have told me first.” She shed a few tears, trying to hold back from crying until they finished this conversation. “I’m sorry I took that opportunity away from you.”

“I wanted to tell you, but I figured it didn’t matter anym-more—” he laughed at Julie’s confused eyebrows, “I haven’t felt major body d-dys-dysphoria until t-today. And I’m air, so I haven’t taken off my b-binder all this time.” Julie gasped. “It’s off right now if that’s what you’re worried about,” he glanced at his chest, nervous. “But, yeah, it’s not like I can do anything about it. I’m intangible, so I’m stuck in the body I had when I died.

“I figured that I would t-tell you down the line, after we had m-more time to get used to our relationship. But then dysphoria hit me all at once during rehearsal. Suddenly I could feel all of the things that I got rid of when I be-became a ghost.

“Sorry that you have a broken boyfriend.” He ended his explanation and stared down at the sand, putting a finger in his mouth, nibbling on the tip to give his sleeve a break. He didn’t want to ruin another one of his dysphoria hoodies. A few holes were nothing, but too many would destroy the sleeve.

“You are not broken. Not in any way.” Julie says, grabbing onto Luke’s shoulders so he has to look her in the eyes. At this point, she only cared about getting her boyfriend to believe her, not the people who would think she was crazy as she held onto nothing. “You are Luke, mine and Reggie’s precious boyfriend, a massive dork, guitarist for Julie and the Phantoms, one of the best songwriters I’ve ever met. There is nothing wrong with you—you’re just you. No one is broken, they just have different pieces. Please don't ever refer to yourself as broken ever again.”

“Okay,” he whispered, fear still jostling his thoughts around. “Let’s go home and cuddle pile with Reg.”

Julie laughed softly, sounding like a fairy from Tinker Bell. “Sounds amazing.”

#*writing #iwests #jatp #luke patterson #juke #ruke #tw: dysphoria #tw: unsafe binding #// #sorry about the sudden ending #i just suck at endings that aren't either 'this could be a transition' or 'everyone died. the end.'