#bc i have been in quarantine for a fucking year and a half

[5lazarus]

I used to know myself very, very, very well--exactly how I would respond. lately I’ve been surprised, mostly pleasantly, by myself. leaning into studying myself and allowing myself to just run amok, rather than playing the usual restraint. this freefall has been liberating but frightening but so, so good

#personal #however I have been having a lowlevel anxiety attack for about a week and a half now and it would be nice to chill out #thanks dad for kicking me out every year for six years straight bc truly it would be great not to be hypervigilant and terrified #the world will not be yanked from under my feet #and if it is well this year has proven that if i don't land on my feet I pick myself up pretty quickly #one year anniversary of my ex faking having covid to try and keep me quarantined with her during the holidays #fuck that asshole

[blood-mocha-latte]

so i made a quiz a minute back and there was a question about my guinea pigs and a lot of people. followed up on that and wanted to know more lmao. AND if you've been here for even .5 seconds you are aware that i. love talking about my pets so let's get into it

i. Perdita Sue

name: -- perdita for 101 Dalmations (since she's black and white) -- sue for Sue Hendrickson (a world renowned paleontologist)

fun fact: as stated by the quiz she fucking. loves her water bottle. when she was a baby we were worried she had a blockage in her throat because she kept slamming it back against the wall of the hutch REALLY LOUDLY and her sister didn't do that. so we took her to the vet. nothings wrong. maybe it was just a thing when she was a baby no. no she just really fucking loves her water bottle and likes making it really loud

worst experience: she cut her paw open on a piece of hay when she was about a year and a half old and was bleeding SO FUCKING MUCH i almost missed a class final to stay home with her. she was fine lol

best experience: she likes to shake hands. i have a photo of this somewhere. if you put your hand down in the hutch she'll run over and put both her paws in your palm so you can "shake" them it's the funniest fucking thing

ii. Mei Rosalind

name: -- mei for my fiancee's middle name lmao (lenora-mei) -- rosalind for Rosalind Franklin (biochemist who discovered the structure of dna)

fun fact: again as in the quiz, she likes sunbeams. a whole fuckin' lot. like, too much. it was about noon and i walked into the room they're in and she was on her back. lil paws in the air. and i thought she was Fucking Dead but no. she was just sunbathing

worst experience: she once sneezed in my mouth and i thought i was gonna die

best experience: when i was studying for my organic chem final she slept on my desk the whole time and just generally kept me from Flipping The Desk and giving up lmao

iii. Meg Helen

name: -- meg for meg jay (clinical psychologist on adult development) -- helen for. helen keller. bc she's blind

fun fact: the only guinea pig we got from a pet store, who we weren't actually going to get. but she was curled up in the corner of a too small cage and was obviously miserable, so we ended up biting the bullet and adopting her. took her to the vet, vet told us she is The Most Blind Animal she has ever had the pleasure of meeting. take that as you will

worst experience: we got her when she was just a little over a week old and she had to be quarantined from the others. we ended up having to switch off and sit with her at night because she'd cry the whole time and she has the saddest fucking wheek

best experience: she has the croakiest voice of all time. we're pretty sure it's the same genetic inbreeding problems that made her blind, but it doesn't hurt her and it sounds Hilarious. when she finally got out of her quarantine hutch and to her real one (which is 45 feet squared lmao) she didn't stop popcorning and squeaking for fifteen minutes. i cried my fiancee cried i took a video and sent it to my parents and they cried it was a day

iv. Piper Florence

name: -- piper for the pied piper of war because she's the leader and the others follow after her like she's the. the pied piper -- florence for florence nightingale because again if you've been here for more than .5 seconds you know that i am a. healthcare bitch

fun fact: once jumped out of the hutch and then just stood in the middle of the room because she didn't know where to go. is Best Friends with meg and shows her where everything is in the hutch when we have to change it/replace objects. she does not like sue and ignores her. just doesn't like her there's nothing to be done

worst experience: we thought she had ovarian cancer about a year ago because she was lethargic/sick/swollen etc for a long period of time. tracking her poop what she ate all of that etc etc. turns out that she had a cyst which was still a fucking nightmare, but hey at least it wasn't cancer

best experience: when my fiancée got really sick a few years back piper would just sit on her chest and purr. it was cute and needed and she's fuckin BEEN there man she's basically our dog

anyways that's it. congratulations if you got through it all lmao. i also have four cats (i am. not good at fostering) and a dog so maybe i'll make a post about them idk. ok bye

#rie talks #actually have a post kinda like this in my drafts that's my fiancees experiences watching band of brothers because she is So Fucking Funny #anyways nothing else to tag this? #guinea pigs #i guess #ok bye lol

[suffarustuffaru]

If you don't mind me asking but when did you first get into re:zero

yeah i dont mind at all :o ig yallre gonna hear my full origin story now haah. its my—my… ok id say tragic backstory but i dont think this is really that tragic LMAO. my humorous backstory? silly backstory?

anyway i got into rezero in summer of 2020!! this was months before s2 started airing and by around this time there was just s1, s1 directors cut may or may not have been out?? i forgor :<, but then s2’s first teaser came out right about now.

it was quarantine…. i was bored one day and wanted smth new to watch… and by then id only really briefly seen rezero—like you know that s1 promo poster with subaru standing there while surrounded by some of the main girls in s1 (beatrice felt emilia rem ram)?? yeah id seen that. in the back of my mind i kinda assumed the show was just another one of those abt a dude surrounded by his harem of girls or smth?? :< but then i learned the Real Premise is the time travel. via death!!!! and ive always loveddd angst and whump so i was like “NO FUCKING WAY I HIT THE JACKPOT” and eagerly looked into rezero some more to see if it was worth watching. and then i saw all the shit reviews on rz that never seemed to agree on if it was good or not…… and then gigguk’s video…… and then i saw mother’s basement on youtube make a defense of rezero s1 and i was like!!! ok fuck it im watching this show. i want the angst i want the complex time travel shit. i think id spoiled myself on a couple of subarus deaths by this point trying to decide if i should commit to rezero and then i started binge watching s1!! esp when i was like ok this is a good time to get into it s2 was announced right??

anyway i got hooked on rezero fr 👍👍 the first s1 emisuba lap pillow had me quaking in my boots ;-;;; and i was already invested from ep1 bc i liked the characters a lot already!!! i am simply BUILT DIFFERENT i loved subaru from day one!!! by the royal selection episodes ofc i was dying of secondhand embarrassment but tbh i grew even more invested in rezero after that!! i was and still am super impressed that the narrative had the balls to have subaru fuck up sooo so so bad there. like seeing that emisuba argument and the julisuba duel for the first time was crazyyy. the conflict was really good and the latter s1 development…. woagh.

and then you know i finish s1 and i immediately get to researching how to read, i read arc 4’s wn and bawl my eyes out from the sheer amount of rollercoaster both the emotions and Long Ass Novel gave me (yes i was bawling my eyes out at parent and child) (yes i was bawling my eyes out at choose me) (yes i was bawling my eyes out for all the suffering loops) (yes i was bawling) (i have no clue how i read all those pages fr like that arc is massive), i speedrun arc 5, i accidentally spoil certain bits for myself (arc 6 stuff), i read most of arc 6 in spurts, tune in every week for s2 (and bawled my eyes out seeing the s2 part 1 op for the first time) etc etc!! one thing lead to another and now i am here…….. three yrs in this fandom… nearly (?) a yr being active on rezero tumblr… HAH

also i made a reddit account back inn…. 2020 or 2021 bc i wanted to be a tinyyy bit active in rezero reddit (this was half a mistake btw. i think i have more balls of steel now but my younger self was sooooo naive. shaking them by the shoulders. this is an anime fandom!!!!!! and this is reddit!!! whatre u expecting???? i am less shy now on the internet thats for sure!!). anyway im still a tiny bit active on rz reddit now after not touching it for like a year. now i use my reddit account for spreading otto propaganda and slander /lh …../hj

but anyway ive never been active in fandoms until rezero and thats bc id usually lurk and a lot of my past hyperfixation medias were :< big fandoms :<<< but then. ok im a fanfic enjoyer and i didnt write much fanfic or publish fic at all before this fandom but then in 2020 after watching s1 i checked rezero’s ao3 page and *sniffles* *sobs* thERE WAS ONLY LIKE 2 PAGES ON THERE MAN….. A WHOLE DESERT…. yes and then one thing lead to another and now there is more fic and also ig id be considered an english fic writer elder maybe…… i started posting in like fall/winter 2020? and maaaan im one of the only ppl from that era whos still posting i think!!! ive seen the entire english fanfic scene pop up!! ive participated in a bunch of community events… sooo wild to think about. i feel old guys!!!

but now i have gotten more and more active in the rz fandom yes :3 its been fun!! rezero is very important media to me and ive met lots of cool people in my time here :) when october 2024 rolls around itll be s3 time (AAAAA HYPE HYPE HYPE) and like four yrs of me being in this fandom?? its wild but my lifes genuinely changed a lot bc of me getting into rezero!! met lots of cool people… made pals… gotten my writing and art out there and improved on it via. large amounts of rezero fanart HAH.. became more unhinged.. etc etc :D even got to meet one of my buddies i met via rezero irl 👍👍 more irl crossover events will happen i swear.

also gigguk in my eyes redeemed himself for his old rezero skit vid by making a glowing review for rezero s2 with his pals. i can forgive him i suppose :<<<

in conclusion: idk if i count as a fandom elder but i sure have a lot of my own fandom lore pfft :<<<

#ask #suffaru post #people including english professors have told me theyre impressed with my writing but truth is ive just been writing a shit ton of anime #fanfic for the last three or so years LMFAO

[dwter]

Are the people coming back to dtblr golos? I seen someone say it was better for George feet pics and nice here like two years ago but I remember it being toxic as fuck to anyone who liked Dream (even in dtblr) 😭 like don’t come back and claim superiority?

i mean i think out of the three dteam members people main, george mains/golos have been the ones to leave tumblr/die out the most out of the three possible as things slowed down this last year. probably a mix of gnf having dismal amounts of content (which sapnapians didnt rly suffer with and dream stans are much more accustomed to it and know how to deal with lack of content while still staying interested better (clinging to his fanart likes for instance)), controversy (both his and the dteam/dream as a whole), and for geolos: lots of them were just completely and utterly full of hatred for the dteam outside of george and thats not a sustainable way to remain a fan. and since quarantine died down and ppl were living their lives, that hatred probably felt less all-consuming and necessary to talk about and more of a nuisance that made them stop wanting to interact with fandom in such a direct wat and instead more casually. obv quarantine also led to ppl just leaving in general bc well. Grass. but yeah thats my theory on why theyre mostly the ones coming back TLDR: its essentially bc they were the main ones that left in the first place (a bit half-baked and there more maybe but whatever).

i wouldnt give them much mind anogie golos are gna golo and that just means being really fucking annoying about dream and have worlds most undeserved superiority complexes awhhh

#ask #AND FUCK EVERYONE WHO LEFT AND CAME BACK FOR THE MEET UP ! #if u didnt suffer like the rest of us this whole time U do not deserve it . #discourse tw #<- ig ?

[driflew]

beholden outlines and notes

i got a review on beholden yesterday who pointed out its been, yknow, well over a year since i updated the fic. obviously those of you following me here know ive been writing other stuff, and so it shouldn't come as a surprise that im not rlly planning to go back to working on it

why? other than getting into another fandom, i honestly just wasnt really happy w how the fic was turning out. i loved s1, but s2 i just wasnt liking as much. and as much as i was excited for how s2 (and the fic in general) would have ended, i just couldnt get myself to keep working and Get there. besides that, i started beholden on quarantine, and when class/work started up, i simply didnt have the time to write so much. beholden was already 70k. to finish would have probs doubled the length, and that's not time i could dedicate

as such, ive decided to post my outlines/notes for what the rest of beholden Would have been if id ever gotten to finishing it. this is, i guess, my final sendoff for beholden. here's every doc / outline i had guiding my writing of this fic

ill say in advance this fic was a mix of plotting and pantsing, so not everything in the outline is completely fleshed out. but the main beats are there, esp in scenes i was more confident about

...these also weren't meant to be viewed by anyone but me, so they might be sort of confusing/under-explained. il add a bit of commentary/context when i can

first, here's my detail on how the rest of season two would have gone:

NOV 3: Jordan Kennedy statement

toll his Knowing and rereading old statements

talk about Peter! self-isolation as a way to 

1. Ready himself and his friends for his death, by not being too deeply attached, 

2. Keep peter and elias’s attention on him rather than his assistants, 

3. Get peter to agree to yeet any threats into the Lonely, to keep his marks low

Dust to Dust. michael shelley is there. implies jon might have known abt the tapes all along and they could very well be the secret?? 

does this implicate michael in gertrude’s murder

Tim and Martin have an argument at flat while the three of them are listening to tapes. 

Jon has been guiding, but Tim worries he may be guiding Away from the truth (paranoid)

Martin worries Tim is so focused on finding Jon’s secret he’s getting distant from Jon. 

They’ve been listening to tapes at Martin and Tim’s whenever possible. 

martin’s tired of it! hes doing work at home basically, and tim’s kind of erratic now that hes got the idea in his head jon might be a monster. it worries martin too but he knows that even w the shit jon pulls he IS their friend

sasha’s gonna have. Thoughts abt the Michael thing as well, given Michael and Jon clearly have some kind of shared past / understanding

something something… Michael talks about a shared past, Jon about reverting the Change… they both worked with Gertrude…… Gertrude and Jon reverting “the Change”??

but what the fuck is the Change? what “changed”??? why did they need to undo it? why do only they remember it? do they need to prevent it from “changing” again?

could she talk to Michael?

WHERE DID THIS PLOT COME FROM 

Group intervention, 

Martin trying to make them stop being so suspicious of each other. Gearing up for the “if we were all happy would that be so bad” bit

DEC 1: Daisy drops by in place of Basira to give a statement / talk to tim. Jon half avoids this one bc 1, not feeding on a friend, 2, daisy will Kill him if hes noticeably not human (esp since she figured it out thru him changing in her dreams last time)

asks Tim about the nathaniel thorp statement. she wants to see it. 

looked back into the guy. he wasn’t named nathaniel thorp, but its been a long time. she’s not about to rule out a fake name

JAN 7: Tessa Winters 

WHAT HAPPENED IN CANON:

tim and jon argue

martin tells jon to fix shit w tim

not them encounter in the tunnels

talk to elias

JAN 25: Caroline Gorka

Jon takes this one. hungry

jons on his isolation arc

FEB 11: Maxwell Rainer raid

Feb13: Melanie statement 2

Tim bumps into in the library while researching and asks her abt what she’s been researching. she talks abt the notThem, and the table, and the statements Jon has given her copies of. Tim frowns and tell her that they know where the table is, it’s here, why would Jon lie about that… unless…? they decide fuck the library and fuck work and just leave

they do some research into jon’s past. Tim, Melanie, and Georgie go thru Georgie’s old pictures, but she doesnt have any (messy breakup… she got rid of most of it). talk abt the sudden personality change, etc. 

Tim decides that he must have changed. they talk abt how there’s usually someone who can see the difference, and Tim decides that since it isn’t any of them, it must be someone else in the institute. he asks around about what people think Jonathan Sims looks like, and “rosie” pauses before describing a complete stranger. tall, close-cropped hair, broad shoulders. and then this strange short man came in and she assumed they must have fired Sims, since he really wasn’t qualified, and hired some other Jon…

and that’s it. that must be. jon’s dead and this thing replaced him. 

Feb 16: axe to table

Tim calls Daisy, since she has experience killing these things. Melanie and Georgie decide to help—Melanie bc she was researching them, and Georgie bc that was her friend. Basira tags along too. Tim tells Martin and Sasha that they should come w him (without explaining), and to not tell Jon. rosie is more than happy to let them thru to artifact storage.

they all go, Tim explains that Jon is NOT Jon, and he’s going to prove it. then he turns around and puts an axe through the table

Jon shows up and is like. rosie wouldn’t let me in please tell me you didnt break the table. and Tim is like its too late, you bastard Jon-killer! 

chaos. 

dunno how this bit goes BUT 

shouting match in which they both talk abt rosie, and Martin realizes that rosie has been replaced

daisy attacks Jon and he panics, sending her to the Lonely as per the deal w Lukas. thats a problem! but also this fic equivalent of the buried

notRosie attacks, and the rest of them escape. idk how. Jon gets them to the tunnels probably? barricades them in the archvies? they deal w notRosie somehow. 

Jon has to come clean! its time t explain everything!

this might be a separate chapter. end on a cliffhanger and then in the new chapter Jon must explain….

new exposition dump chapter! here’s everything Jon has to explain (or not explain)

he is a time traveller, sort of, having sent his own memories back in time

he knew all of them (and daisy). all of them died. the world ended. he’s here to prevent it

probably toes the line between “it was my fault” and “im on your side.” yes he caused their deaths. no he doesnt want to cause them again. everything he’s done has been to stop those deaths from happening again.

explains he had to hide it because of Elias. probably explains how serious he is about this by explaining how he blinded himself to keep things from Elias and the Eye

…which leads him to explain shit like the Eye, the entities, the rituals, etc. 

which is a great lead-in to the Unknowing!

stresses repeatedly that he’s being honest, he’s telling them a lot and he’s willing to admit everything, but keeps two things to himself: he and Martin dated, and he’s going to kill himself in the Unknowing

...and that would have been s2! i was really excited for the not-Jon thing, but never got to it.

anyway. i also had these two notes at the end of the doc as things to consider in my writing of jon's interactions with Sasha and Tim

“sasha is jon’s favorite, theyre probably comfortable with each other”

“jon’s got stronger memories / more memories of tim hating him than tim being his friend, thats gotta be weird for how he feels about tim”

speaking of Tim, i ALSO have a doc specifically for guiding tim's arc. sasha's arc was mostly me rolling with the punches and working with what i thought she might be able to figure out, but Tim i had the beats planned more directly

TIM PLOT OUTLINE

peter lukas props Isn't human, jon Is helping him

jon is doing other shady shit, helping michael (also not human)

jon is very pointedly guiding them towards the unknowing but not saying what he knows or why

research avatars and learn ppl can lose their humanity / become monsters.

combine melanie's info on ppl replaced, like the notThem

horrible conclusion: on either was human and isn't anymore, or really isn't jon. were they ever even friends with jon?

(worth noting: if Jon truly was replaced when his personality changed, then all their moments of being genuinely close came after that. the person he is close friends with is not Jon. its the thing that killed Jon. the realization he “never actually got to befriend Jon at all” is going to do weird things to his heart, im sure)

(remember the table? tim can compare notes having seen it w melanie, who has been looking into the notThem) (statement info plus it now being revealed

jon is hiding shit from melanie as well) maybe have georgie in here looking for polaroid images or tape recordings of jon from college, which she can't find. no way to confirm he is who he's supposed to be

basira and daisy.…... basira can tell tim and sasha she's sectioned and that daisy believes Jon isn't human

AS FOR THE REST OF THE FIC...

when i started writing beholden, i plotted out the entire fic. i did s1 in detail, and s2 and three in... not a lot of detail. when i started s2, i made a new doc and more detailed outline, which is what i showed above. as i never got to s3, the s3 outline is... not super in-depth. had i made it to s3, i would have fleshed it out more, but alas. anyway, here's what i had:

Everyone knows MOSTLY whats up. 

There needs to be trust building! rights for jonmartin?

Jon plans to kill Elias after the Unknowing. Hes barely human, his friends are okay, and if they destroy the institute after his death, there shouldnt be any danger. In getting htem to trust him he accidentally forgets this means theyll be attached to him and wont Want him to die

elias now has to go on the offensive to get jon marked. Entities jon needs to be marked by still: buried, dark, desolation, end, flesh, hunt, lonely, slaughter, stranger, vast

At some point in this season, they have to find out what Jon’s real plan is 

FEB 17: starts. Does anything need to go here? Jon isnt on the lam. I guess re-bonding. Since most of them thought he was guilty of murder. Less “heres the past i remember” and more direct talk on his actual plan (but vague on how he plans to do the actual killing). can explain that hes not any more human than elias is. Also that they cant just Kill Elias or else it will kill all of them, but jon has a plan (that he cant tell the others, bc elias can read minds! Thats def why he cant tell them the plan)

APRIL 24: jude perry. If Jon wont go to her, Elias probably needs to bring her to Jon… oof. I think Tim is gonna get hurt by the desolation. 

Im putting the confrontation w elias here. Elias probably Knows what Jon is planning (or at least that hes planning to kill Jon, but not how) and Jon demands to know why the others are hurt. Learns Elias doesn need jon alive or to be The Archivist, it can be anyone, and elias isnt afraid to get a second one if he has to

APRIL 28: mike crew

...probably Simon this time, since Elias i think could get him to visit the MI anyway

Also I want to vaporize simon fairchild

Which i guess means jon avatar moments, which i want/need anyway

Unknown date: jon gets kidnapped by the stranger. Helen kills Michael simply bc i like Helen more. i will find real justification for this by the time i get here, probably

Coming back from being kidnapped is rough for jon bc he hasnt Known in a while or relied on his powers too much but, uh, hes starving

Assistants helping jon manage his inhumanity, which is uh… a tense issue, im sure. But theyre more sympathetic bc they like him more and also he did give up his humanity for them. having several anchors will make it all easier to manage

JUNE 29: is in the USA, is kidnapped by Trevor and Julia. Probably gets a Hunt injury here, since hes clearly not human, 

I think the fact jon had to leave the country to do this alone for some reason right now while theyre preparing for the unknowing stuff raises questions. Why cant this wait until after elias is dead??

before the unknowing, Jon records a tape explaining that killing the archivist means everyone else will be freed from the institute, to be listened to after he kills himself in the unknowing. He lists elias’s weakness of being in the panopticon, mentions leitner in the tunnels may be able to lead them. its a goodbye tape, saying sorry for lying about this last thing, and this is sort of his penance for killing them and the world. he can die instead this time, satisfied with saving the rest of them and confident they can finish out the rest of saving the world now that hes helped them survive and given them the tools to take down Elias. fic equivalent of testament, i guess?

AUG 6: plant explosives at the wax museum. They dont actually have to detonate during the unknowing, since the ritual would fail anyway, so? They can probs just blow it up right before while the circus is in the building getting ready, without getting Strange

I think same crew as canon go. Since theyre not waiting for the actual event or anything and are going beforehand, these were the ppl who knew how to set up the bomb and all

Jon plans to tell them he’s on the other side of the building, watching for anything that might come out and escape to kill it. He’ll text tim when hes there and tell tim to detonate. (

Jon actually plans to go inside, sit down w a bomb, and tell tim to detonate w him inside. So he’ll die and they’ll be free to kill elias

(he still wants to give Tim the option to get revenge on the circus, and sort of Still feels like. yknow, if Tim detonated it on him once, it'll be fine to do it again)

(will be fun to have Tim and Jon talk afterwards abt how Tim feels about Jon planning to use Tim to kill himself)

Sasha listens to the tape Jon left, figures out its jon’s suicide note, and calls tim immediately to stop him from detonating. She doesnt listen to the whole thing, just like. enough to hear the tone of jon's voice and Realize. Tim and Basira go in to stop/help Jon

and thats season 3! as i said, not particularly fleshed out. it def needed a lot of work, and besides, i wanted to flesh it out more when i had written more of s1 and s2, since i think its easier to do once you know what's actually on your page. but. didnt happen, clearly.

...you might be looking at these bullets and thinking "wait, wasnt there a bullet point about sending daisy into the lonely at the end of s2? where did that plot go?" and the answer is: it didnt exist when i started plotting the fic, but it was added later. i hadn't yet fleshed it out fully, but it would have worked similarly to pulling daisy out of the buried. i hadn't yet decided when to pull her out or whether the person o do so would be Jon or Basira. Jon would have gone and had a similar moment as the coffin where they bonded over losing their humanity, while Basira it would have been similar to the s5 plot line in which Basira had to take a long hard look at the stuff she allowed daisy to pull (since, yknow, you need to See someone to find them in the Lonely). i hadn't got far enough to figure out the details, tho, but figuring out what to do with daisy was something i found... particularly tricky, considering her character

ANYWAY. in addition to all this, i had, uh, a whopping THREE bullet points for "season four," which was basically rolled into arc three

They need a new plan to kill elias and i have no fucking idea what that plan is

Nvm. gertrude was gonna blow up the institute so thats what jon will do. Hes strong enough to survive and everyone else will be able to w the institute gone

...burn employment contracts? So they dont all die?

...that was all.

another thing i had decided (but not written down) while working on s2, however, that i didnt want to do "season four" and that i wanted to end at the unknowing. my plan was that id figure out what to do when i got closer to the end and had more information on what had transpired in fic. i think my vague plan was essentially "once they find out Jon was going to sacrifice himself they make him Not and do some shit to take the Institute down in that moment, based in the idea of destroying the institute."

one thing i wanted to do what play around with the fact the eye canonically favors Jon over Elias/Jonag and the fact that the lives of the assistants are tied to Jon, and see about burning the institute to weaken jonah further. if Jon was more powerful/favored, perhaps he could supercede jonah's power and thus, when jonah died, the lives of the institute employees could be tied to Jon instead? or something? i wasnt sure, esp w Jon being less favorable/weaker in this fic than canon.

the ending bit i was excited for was the unknowing, and everything that came after was just sort of ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

.....well! that's everything, i think! not all the way polished, but these were the ideas i had for how beholden would have gone. i also had two scenes half-written for the next chapter, and a random scene of flashbacks written on how the original cast died (written before daisy died in canon). i might post that as well, like, later

if you've read this far, thanks for still being interested in beholden! i cant express enough how grateful i am for all the support i received on this fic, including the fact that im receiving comments on it even now. it was a lot of fun to work on, even if i dont plan on finishing it. i hope seeing my notes, however patchy, helps you get a bit of closure on how this fic would have gone!

and, finally, if you'll allow me to be a bit silly: i love you, Beholden. sorry for never getting around to wrapping you up, but im so proud of you and grateful to you for existing. youre the most writing ive ever done in a single piece, and im thrilled to have you to show for how much i can get done if i really put my mind to it

#beholden #tma fanfic #...sorta. thats more an organizational tag #idea talk

[safyresky]

Frostmas Year Ten: Behind the Scenes

Prologue | Y1 | Y2 | Y3 | Y4 | Y5 | Y6 | Y7 | Y8 | Y9 | Y10 | Y11 | Y12

[To Read Frostmas: From the TOP | Year Ten]

---

Boy howdy! It was two years in the making but, at about 30k ish words, year ten is FINALLY finished and I can FINALLY say, out loud, that Jacqueline got fuckin FROZEN!

Lots I wanna share because Year Ten had the MOST edits out of all the years I’ve written so far. I do NOT want to know what Year Eleven will be like. Y10 was like, the HARDEST year to write so far! Let's get GROOVING

The Intro

I actually rewrote the intro after finishing the entire year. It was a weak start, originally, I realized after writing those three BANGERS of final scenes!

the version you SHOULD have read was only completed on the 13th, after being rewritten once the day before.

I almost didn’t write an intro for Year Ten. I actually think, when I started writing it, on Easter Day two and a half years ago lmao, I went right into the beginning of the year.

If I’m remembering correctly, I actually didn’t write the intro until after the All-Staff scene!

Scene 1: Bernard Machine BROKE

what the elf is elf version of what the fuck. v. important note

“We’re really in it now Jacqueline” is absolutely, 100%, the Frostmas version of this meme from The Good Place:

And oh boy, with Y10 of Frostmas? WE ARE REALLY IN IT NOW, JACQUELINE

OKAY SO one of the reasons I decided to do these BTS things was for all of the memes/references bc I find it FASCINATING that I can read these chapters and recall DISTINCTLY what I was doing/hyper fixating on at the time. Year Ten edition: Quarantine 2020!

First reference: Jacqueline deciding to go to Timmies

I was 100% projecting, a month into quarantine and I had NO IDEA if Tim’s was open and I was craving timbits and my iced capp of choice (which is also Jacqueline’s)

SO I WROTE IT IN

Two months in I saw they were open via drive thrus and I have a car so I got me that ding dang iced capp

HONESTLY, a lot of Canadians don’t actually like Timmies these days. Apparently, they’ve gone down hill. But Imma be real with you folks, ice capps HIT and I have yet to find a place with a similar drink that hides caffeine well enough for me to enjoy!

Stir-Fry: Best way to make a quick dins and get rid of leftovers

Okay, srs note now: thinking about what would drive Bernard to leave, without knowing what the canon relationship between Jack and B-Man is (tho most people HC that they HATE each other and B wouldn’t take Jack’s BS, and I support this) one of the hardest things I’ve done, to date.

like Jacqueline said in the intro, this is Bernard’s home! He takes care of the elves, they’re his fam! Like, everything considering Bernard’s decision is HEARTBREAKING and the only way I could think of that would allow Bernard to fully leave the picture is, well, him basically trading his “exile” for their freedom.

The conversation they have once B-Man has semi-processed grief is once again, me trying to work it all out

apparently a running frostmas theme for things I can’t figure out is to get Berline some food and watch them scheme. Hey, if it works it works ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Scene 2: Jack gets SERVED

fun fact: I added this scene in after writing about half of the chapter! It was reading very bad prior, since I had just summarized what Bernard did.

“you’re not you when you’re hungry” I think about that commercial a lot. Specifically the Betty White version

it’s also a gr8 Jack line, 100%

so thanks to snickers, i guess, for giving me free dialogue (🤫)

I actually really like this scene! I think it’s a v good villainy Jack scene!

Scene 3: All Staff Meeting

I hate all staff meetings. We had one MONTHLY in quarantine and by the time May rolled around, I never wanted to go to one ever again

SO LET’S MAKE THE ELVES GO INTO ONE! at least they got to go in person 😢😢

Idk why I had B-man give a spare set of keys to Quintin? It’s been so long since I wrote that part, and Quintin makes his way to the Valley in the later half of the year ANYWAY. I actually went back and edited the final few scenes to hint that Quintin splits his time

like some kind of divorce settlement

he and elfsburg divorced. he gets the shop every other week 😂😂😂

ALTHOUGH it IS before B-Man knows he’ll be able to relocate everyone, so maybe that was part of the reasoning?? See, this is what happens when you wip something for TWO YEARS. 30k later ur a mess

Also, hate that Quintin is spelt Quintin. Mostly bc spell check hates it. Sorry spell check, BUT THAT’S HOW IT’S SPELT IN TSC1 END CREDITS

Anyway I think Curtis deserves a little credit, as a treat, and I’m SOFT for B-Man being soft with the elves 🥺

especially since he gets really, really, really into the Resort stuff (that’s canon, you saw him in the last movie!)

Quarantine 2020 Reference: “And for now, it’s the new normal”

we’ve all heard it at this point, even B-Man apparently

also, totally forgot that I had established a LOCKDOWN before covid19 did lmao, almost thought it was another quarantine reference

Scene 4: Frost Mansion/Manor

was two scenes, fixed it to be one scene! one of the many, many, many, MANY edits I was doing up until I finally posted the chapter. This year took SOO MUCH EDITING

the Blaise making a room scene was literally just so I could show off that I finally figured out how warlocks worked in CS :D

AND I FINALLY GOT TO MAKE THE SALARIED/HOURLIED JOKE I’VE BEEN DYING TO MAKE FOR YEARS!!

Legates are salaried! That’s a Crystal Springs FACT

anyway I think about how jelly like the magic in tsc series is. do you? i think about it a lot. like, you could chose any kinds of sounds, and you go for slurping? icky

Scene 5: City Square; Scene 6: Meeting with Governor Blaise

This scene. was another one. that got rewritten way too many times. Idk what it is about Y10, but I could NOT get things sounding decent on the first try for like, MOST of the scenes! Except for the last one, lmao. I’ve had that written for a year :)

it was another opportunity for lore drop tbh, i’m shameless

on that note, I’d like to thank Assasin’s Creed: Valhalla for teaching me what a MOOT is, historically speaking! I read it and was like so THAT’S what CS does! Aight, neat!

“Blaise said with a grin, opening his arms” similar to how Jack said. three or four scenes back 🙃🙃 I didn’t even realize the parallel until the third in process read through!

(Scene 7 is the Council Meeting, and not much BTS info exists for it so we skip!)

Scene 8: Ley Lines

MY BIGGEST MOST GINORMOUS THANKS EVER TO @shittyelfwriter​ BECAUSE I WOULD NOT! HAVE COME TO THIS CONCLUSION WITHOUT HER HELP!

She had the brilliant idea of Christmas trees being like beacons? And chatted with me for a good two or three hours one winter evening in 2020 to help me workshop this idea!

there was another idea of the stockings delivering the gifts but it was knocked down lol, if the trees are calling in the gifts then why on earth would they come shooting through the stockings?

besides, stockings are their own spawn points!!! they gotta be filled with STUFFERS like FUZZY SOCKS, AND CANDY, AND CHOCOLATE!!

no idea how I connected everything together afterwards, tho. Maybe that’s why this year took two whole years to write 😲😲

anyway, yeah, no, thank you SO much as usual ana for being your amazing self FILLED with BRILLIANT ideas and letting me pick from your genius!! something something we stan??? is that meme dead yet?

(oh! and if u squint...u can see Winter watching for frozie Jacquie)

Scene 9: The First Check In

Once again, i have Jacqueline noticing that someone looks slightly different to acknowledge changes in the movies! This edition: Curtis’s growth spurt and slightly deeper voice 👀

(the voice bit was shoehorned in very last minute 🤫)

I ALSO started dropping hints about how Curtis gets very into the Resort later on. I mean, I thought he was way too invested when Scott finds him at the Resort! He was not as disgruntled as any of the other elves were. I’m running with the subtext >:)

FUN FACT: this is where I left off when I initially started doing this Frostmas BTS. I had not made it very far. ONWARDS

Scene 10: Everything Moves Fast

My one regret with this chapter is settling on "New Elfsburg" before placing it in a valley. "Elfsburg Valley" is just so...chef's kiss

BOOM! ELLE DROP! I've got plans for Ms Elle come next chapter. You guys probably won't like it, but uh, I will enjoy the reveal immensely >:)

"saying you were part of Health and Safety went a long way with ordinary beings" -> I'd like to thank Doctor Who episode "Partners in Crime" for this one! I watched it a LOT during the two years of writing this chapter took. It was a rough two years and I was taking all the comfort I could get while isolated from my fiance and my family and LITERALLY EVERYONE

Scene 11: Bag Heist

oh my god this scene. this scene is so good for so many reasons

Jacqueline being an ass

Jack being an ass

God tier frozie sibling banter

Jacqueline acting almost EXACTLY like Jack would just to bug him--hammering home the theme of "becoming what you fear most >:)"

Also, it was so much fun to write! It was goddamn hilarious!

"Do your kids really want the flu?" I asked, hands on my hips. "Because a kid sneezed all over the place a few photos ago, and we need to sanitize this asap. Maybe even close it off for the day."

-> More Covid Nuggets lol

"Barry, right? You chased me out of storage the other day! I remember that, that was fun! How's your arm?"

-> Jacqueline is very much causing trouble and I am trying to really really reinforce that lmao. She's on a first name basis with some of the guards!

"Sorry Barry, but I have the high ground now" -> for some reason, my friend sir eng and my fiance got really into quoting that specific phrase re: Star Wars:

just before my household shifted and we went FULL lockdown, my (now) fiance (then boyfriend) came up for a visit and marathoned Star Wars with our friend Sir Eng while I was working

(I think that's how it went! May have been my other housemate, and then Sir Eng said it to Fiance and it went downhill from there. Idk man. April-Oct 2021 was kind of a blur)

it went downhill from there, haha. It was a popular turn of phrase up until Sir Eng moved out!

FUN FACT: Jacqueline has never seen a Star Wars :)

"That wasn't rhetorical, Jacqueline. Why is it you're holding Santa's bag? Don't you have citrus to freeze? Noses to get all runny?"

"Not until 3," I said, to more laughter.

Thank you based Spongebob for the ABOVE reference :)

Scene 12-14: It's DORMANT

So, my running gag for this year of Frostmas is basically this:

And it SHOWS in this scene, especially! More on that in a mo!

"The Workshop itself had been designed to be a bit smaller, to be ready in time for toy making. It felt a lot bigger on the inside thanks to some brilliant engineering on Quintin's end"

->this is 100% a dr who/British joke, a la this scene from Phineas and Ferb's Avengers crossover. It lives rent free in my head for whatEVER reason, especially since I never saw the entire episode!

but also, like, why WOULDN'T they have it be bigger on the inside? They're MAGICAL. SUSPEND THE DISBELIEF! anyway.

""At this point, I don't care how you got it. I'm just glad you got it." Bernard said, gently taking the bag off of my arm."

->and so it begins! B-Man literally does not care, he just wants to get this moving and try his bestest to save cribmas 🥺🥺

"Everything dies eventually. Even us," Bernard pointed out.

"You must be fun at parties," I said, thrown off guard.

they are at their WORST! BMAN IS DEPRESSED AF! JACQUELINE IS FROZEN AF! I AM THRIVING!

And Winter is in her element! She's got very mom energy. I'm hoping to explain why she's quietly lurking in the next chapter, but basically she has the BIG WORRY for both Jacqueline AND Bernard! She knows Jacquie's frozen, as we see in the final scene. she's doing her best to be there but NOT be overbearing

And Bernard is doing her a real big worry, too! Her mom senses are going crazy

(Winter would've been gr8 at being the next Mother Nature. She declined when approached by MN when the Legate Law was put into place. More on that in Into the Shadows!)

"If you keep clenching your jaw like that, you're going to need a night guard" -> You'll never guess who did, in fact, get a night guard around this time (last March)

if you guessed me, you are so correct lmao. again, one of those oh hey! I recall why this went in! What a crazy thing to look back at! anyway it's done wonders for stress headaches, and I'm positive Bernard would benefit from having one lmao

Ah yes. A bit of sillies before we head into the BERNARD DOES DUMB SHIT portion! Little Shop of Horrors was the first production I saw "post" covid. I quite liked it. The puppet for Audrey 2? AMAZING.

Jacqueline's Interlude

I just had to edit the Jacqueline interlude because holy guacamole, were there EVER spelling mistakes GALORE. It's like, did I miss that section ENTIRELY?! DAMN.

Anyway, it's kinda funny, I remember getting to that part and having to take a step back with all of the shit I was about to do--those three BANGERS of end scenes 😍😍--and straight up needing a moment to process it ebcause I couldn;t figure out how it all started

Mostly because Jacqueline was mum on the subject, if you can believe it. Can't blame her in the slightest, lol, but when ur characters get suddenly quiet while you're trying to tell their story? YEAH. IT'S A PROBLEM

SO. TAKE THE STEP BACK, SEE WHERE JACQUIE'S AT, AND THEN FIND A GOOD WAY TO GET ON WITH THE NEXT THREE BANGERS!

This was ALSO a fun spot to shoehorn in some ah, CS government lore >:) Do I know how their system works? YES! Do I know wtf it is? NO! But it seems to work for them so YEAH, ENJOY THE LORE

THE LAST THREE SCENES (14-16)

Looking back at these now have me cackling, I really went BAM! BAM! BAM! with a bat to everyone's knees, huh? Anyway

YEAH. WOW. you know, this whole section was unplanned. Like, the bag failing? Unplanned--kinda just happened as I wrote! Bernard doing the dumb shit? Not planned, but the moment I had the bag low on magic, I went ah. yes. Bernard would 100% do his best to help save it, given everything he's sacrificed and lost so far

And Jacqueline would be MAD about it, given the ENTIRE situation that Frostmas is/has caused and also, the FROZEN THING

My god, tho. I really feel for Bernard, you know? It's just. WOW. after all of that everything, you just really, really, really want, need something to go right. I feel like we've all probably been there before!

But yeah, everyone's really at their lowest low here

And even with their sibling-esque banter, Berline is still not doing so HOT

AND THEN THE KICKER! THE FROZEN-NESS! AH!

I had that final scene written for YEARS. I think since year 8 went up? My GOD. Been biting my tongue for WAY TOO LONG to try and avoid spoilers but boy am I GLAD it's OUT NOW! AH!

This year of Frostmas decked me lmao. WOWIE. Anyway, plz enjoy the Y10 bts! and the MEMES! I'm HOPING this kick starts my ass into figuring out why Y11 isn't quite VIBING rn 🤔🤔🤔

#dani speaks #text #frostmas #frostmas bts #frostmas behind the scenes #anyway i had a lot to point out this year lmao #i get really excited when i reread my work and go OH YEAH THAT WAS BC I WAS DOING THIS THING AT THIS TIME #and i am LOVING sharing this thought process with everyone :3 #especially since frostmas is so BIG and has so much going ON #and sorry about the 32k. truly. plz pace urself when reading. have water or smth. maybe a snack. or a nap. good lord #i am out of control #anyway. meant to clean this out in october but then paused and left it until now #bc frostmas has been ON MY MIND bc I wanna get cracking on y11 #but the first scene has not been sitting well with me since I started writing it about a week or two after posting y10? #like. damn dani. it's been a YEAR. get it TOGETHER #i think the sheer amount of words may have conked me out a bit too tbh! #and also I've been hella focused on shining up CS to get the new edited chapters out #so YEAH #ENJOY ME TALKING AT YOU ABOUT THIS DING DANG FIC 😘 #tsc #tsc3 #fanfic

[aajjks]

Thank you 🥰🥰 He realized it after he went to jail after he dumped me out of nowhere but that's an story for another day lmaoooo 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Well yeah it was nice tbh, idc bout age but after the whole incident I just stopped looking for man older than me. Now I'm fine with a 10 year gap at most anyways, this is the second part to the whole "Sunshine had a situationship with an older man"

After we became closer, the old man and I started hanging out, you know he used to take me out on dinner dates, weekends on the beach house and spoiling me, princess treatment. I was truly happy because I had someone who understood my emotional needs as a woman and treated me like royalty, we complimented each other if I'm honest. The old man has 2 kids, I never cared because I love kids, he told me he was divorced and I believed him because we were most of the time together, he introduced me to his circle as somebody he'd like to keep around and he looked pretty chill, no ring on his finger nothing.

I was texting with him through teams when a mutual friend (who knows him and works in the department I used to work at) comes into the office and tells me to go and get some coffee with him. I was chill because we used to do it daily, when we sat down my coworker told me that the man I had 3 months hanging with, thinking on becoming his girlfriend indeed has a wife, is still married to her and still lived with her.

I was SO shocked, like SHOCKED, I never thought that something like that would happen bc we used to hang out almost everyday at the random am hours or even at night, afternoon it didn't matter, he always had time for me. When I met up with the old boo, I confronted him and you know he came with the "We have problems" and I told him to fuck himself and blocked him of all my socials, I put my socials private like LOCKED down like it was quarantine. I was so angry because I'd never be the other woman but playing around like that? I told him to fuck himself and never call me again. Now in the present times, he reached out to me using the phone of a mutual friend and blocked that mutual friend.

After that i've been single af, that was like a year and a half ago, hope y'all enjoyed gossip time with me.

*Sends kisses to TDWG!JK and DHP!JK* *Sends hugs to Alina and Bubbles* - ☀️

He sounds like a piece of shit I feel so bad for his wife and you, of course but I can’t imagine the pain of her wife…. And honestly you didn’t know so none of it is your fault. What a freak.

#kisses n hugs are appreciated 🥺☀️ #asks

[time-is-an-allusion]

.

okay so I am really entertaining thoughts abt transplanting Ford from his world to mine...I’m imagining it basically being my life as it is now but if (an obviously AU version of him) were in it. 

in the AU i have, he spent a lot of time going to punk(-adjacent) shows both when he was younger and after a certain point in his recovery. so did I during the latter half of my drug addict years. i���m imagining we met at one of those. he liked my “colorless green ideas sleep furiously” patch because he likes linguistics. we become friends after that.

we’re Addict Friends for a while bc he’s still an alcoholic and i was still a pill addict, but our relationship is never toxic except in the way that any relationship is toxic if there’s any aspect of enabling in it (i mean we never hurt each other). in fact, we end up using less around each other because we find we both enjoy each other’s presence on a clearer head.

i’m toying with ideas about what happened to him during the pandemic. maybe he gets clean over quarantine (as is a thing I’ve read a number of recovering addicts on Reddit saying they did). maybe he got worse. realistically he would have gotten worse. 

either way, he re-enters my life during the part where I’m having my brief little problem with alcohol, reaching out to me to basically say “hey dont do that i know from experience that u rly dont want to do that” (i imagine him shortening words and omitting punctuation except where he absolutely can’t). and unlike i did with literally anyone else, i actually listen to him bc he’s the only one who says anything who’s speaking from experience.

if he’s clean by this point, we start talking about Not Doing Harmful Substances Anymore. we’ve both figured out doing weed instead of pills/alcohol and in this AU, he (instead of a Person I’m Not Friends With Anymore) is the one who gives me a place away from the guy I was living with who was Driving Me To Drink. 

if he’s not clean yet, he tells me how he’s been doing wrt his addiction. he tells me he’s impressed with me and that me quitting d.ph is inspiring to him. he asks me about how i cope and i tell him. i assure him that, if he ever decides to get clean, i’ll be there for him and he can talk about everything with me.  

he’s the first to point out to me that it’s an achievement that i was able to quit at the drop of a hat (as i did) and gets me to recognize my recovery much sooner than I did in real life. 

i would answer the question of what he and i were doing after that part of my life, but it would require me to bring in real people from my life and imagine how they’d interact with Ford and...it just feels weird to involve real people in my imaginary scenarios without their knowledge and i feel weird asking. i mean imagining it at length. i can imagine general things though like him asking my brother what helps me when I’m having that Really Bad Anxiety that I started having around that time. at the very least, he wouldn’t be like my ex and tell my family that it was “hard to relate to [me]” with what i was experiencing. like of course he wouldn’t relate but he wouldn’t have to fucking say anything about it. i  can’t relate to him a lot of the time, but i don’t feel the need to point that out.

and obviously This would be the part of the story where we fall in love (maybe we were kinda low-key in love with each other while i was with my ex but obviously didn’t say anything at the time). i feel like, if this were real life and i had known someone that well for that long and they approached me romantically at this time, i would be in a position to say yes. now, i haven’t known anybody that well for that long who would romantically approach me, but if they did. well, if i turned them down, my reasoning would be something other than “this is the wrong time”. i think enough time has passed between the breakup and now that it could be healthy in reality, so i choose to imagine it in fantasy.

honestly? i kind of love all this.

#txt #i censored the name of the drug bc everyone from my main blog knows i did it and they might look it up and find This #drugs / #addiction / #alcohol / #alcoholism / #hyperpersonal imagines #addiction imagines #recovery imagines

[dankmemeuniversity]

#dmu #memes #dank memes #dank meme #meme #i will post this every month like clockwork #bc i have been in quarantine for a fucking year and a half #i haven’t seen my friends or family #i live in a red state where people protest masks #we’re doing 2000+ cases a day #my mental health is in the fucking garbage bc of covid #and i’m angry that i’ve suffered for a year and a half in isolation #and there are people that won’t get the vaccine won’t wear a mask won’t stay home #the months blend together and i barely have a concept of time

[potwitch]

will never understand the open contempt for breadtube on twitter/tumblr. like its just a bunch of randos making video essays who happen to have similar political opinions. who cares

#like i saw lindsay ellis’s goodbye post on twitter yesterday and everyone being like she revolutionized video essays it wouldnt be the same #without her im so sad shes gone boohoo and i kinda rolled my eyes at the comments but mostly felt like neutral #like if thats what she wants to do whatever #but then i go on tumblr this morning and its like yeah fuck that bitch i hope contra goes next #seeing posts talking about a white woman extinction button for breadtube #and then ever worse to see someone ask why ___ is problematic and op responds oh i just find her annoying lol #like?????????? what are we doing #sarah z is someone who gets brought up on these lists a lot which i dont understand #like i dont like sarah z she blocked me on tumblr randomly and ive never watched one of her videos #i find her annoying #but im not gonna actively root for her cancellation esp if she hasnt actually done anything lol #like i get why contra is controversial and gets talked about bc shes done/said some truscum-adjacent stuff #i actually unfollowed her for like half a year before getting back into her content over quarantine #and as a nb trans person i feel like i can forgive her for what shes said #and i get why lindsay is controversial too bc shes been on the platform since the mid 2000s #ive watched her reel of problematic behavior and i get why some people wouldnt forgive her for that even after her mask off video #but jenny nicholson? sarah z? what have they done #ive looked into it and they’ve done nothing of substance in terms of ‘’problematic behavior’’ #so it feels pretty clear that the ppl being like yessss cancel these other popular woman next 😈 are not exactly coming at it with pure #intentions lol. think there might be some jealousy there #also ppl who think jenny started a hatemob for john boyega dont know how the internet works #that accusation is quite frankly ridiculous #john boyega is a movie star celebrity with over 2 million followers who made a sexist comment in the comments on one of his insta posts #jenny is a youtuber with less than a quarter million followers on twitter where she commented on john saying something sexist #reylos/star wars fans got independently mad at john about the comment. any influence jenny had in it was minuscule #its such a bad argument lol #and honestly dont even get me started on the ‘’cannibal friend’’ thing #so dumb

[moonjade]

I’m genuinely so fucking bad at reading social cues and it’s really hard for me to hear what people say to me (especially if there are other noises in the environment, idk how else to explain other than there being too many sounds), so I’ve been in so many awkward social situations recently and it makes me want to die 😃

#text #personal #i had a really awkward experience the past two times i went out and it’s eating me up inside #i also really hate when people try to joke with me or are sarcastic because half the time i don’t pick up on it and it makes me want to cry #i almost started crying when i went Chipotle and i misheard the cashier #i thought she asked me how i was doing so i said good hby? and she gave me literally the weirdest look #and she said ‘no i was asking if you wanted anything else’ #so i just apologized and said no i didn’t and she looked at me weird #and told me how to find the napkins and forks and i felt so fucking embarrassed lol #that’s why i usually order from the app even though they manage to fuck up my order every single time #anyways i’m ranting bc i feel like total shit and want to die 😃😃😃😃 #and i’m adding more bc i want to get tested for adhd but idk how to bc we don’t have insurance and i haven’t seen in a doctor in 2 years #plus I’ve gained 40+ pounds over quarantine and i just know that the doctor will tell me that all of my problems are because of my weight #so it’s like. why bother going to a doctor. the past few doctors I’ve been to have never listened to my concerns #just told me to lose weight/sleep better/drink more water #wow i can’t believe i paid $50 to hear you tell me to lose weight 😃 #ok end rant bc i’m annoying

[hot-wire-this-old-car]

MY FUCKING PARENTS DONT GIVE A CRAP ABOUT CORONAVIRUS, ITS LIKE THEYRE ACTIVELY TRYING TO GET INFECTED, THEY REFUSE TO QUARANTINE OR SOCIAL DISTANCE, AND CASES ARE ALL TIME HIGH IN MY AREA, GHDLHDKGSKGSKGSKHDLHD

#I’m been out of work for a week and a half bc possible exposure #BC ALL THEIR DAMN FRIENDS THEY WONT SOCIAL DISTANCE FROM ALSO DONT CARE ABOUT COVID #AND THUS ALMOST EVERY WEEK THERES ANOTHER WAY WE ARE EXPOSED TO SOMEONE WHO TESTS POSITIVE #IVE HAD TO TAKE SO MUCH TIME OFF WORK #BC I WORK WITH THE ELDERLY AND ILL BE DAMNED IF IM GONNA BE THE ONE TO GET THESE NINETY YEAR OLDS EXPOSED #BUT THAT MEANS IM STUCK QUARANTINING AT HOME #WITH A FAMILY OF NINE #THAT ALL REFUse to quaratine #EVEN WHEN THREE OF US HAD FEVERS #AND POSSIBLy COVID #AND EVERYONE WAS MAD AT ME FOR MAKING A BIG DEAL ABT IT AND NOT WANTING MY SIBLINGS TO GO HANG OUT WITH THEIR FRIENDS #WHEN WE HADNT GOT OUR RESULTS BACK ?? AND WERE RUNNINGG FEVERS ?? #HOLY FUCK IM SO TIRED #AND IM STUCK AT HOME #WHILE THEY GO DO WHATEVER THE FUCK THEY WANT #BC THEY ARE INCAPABLE OF EMPATHY #OR CRITICAL THOUGHT #GOD #I CANT GET COVID ?? I HAVE ASTHMA I THINK THAT WOULD BE BAD #BUT THEY SERIOUSLY ARENT EVEN TRYING #MY MOM WONT EVEN WEAR MASKS IN STORES UNTIL SOMEONE ASKS HER TO THEN SHE MAKES A WHOLE ROLLING EYES DEAL ABOUT IT #I NEED OUT OF THIS HOUSE AND THIS IS ONLY ONE OF THE REASONS

[celebrityskinmp3]

cannot stand nor belive ive been wasting away in quarantine for almost my entire year as a 16 year old

#like everything shut down a week after my bday and like has been since and i just feel like im wasting the time where i supposed to be a tee #nager and like do stupid shit with my friends and just have life experiences like i feel like 16 is such a big year i feel like for that #and the fact that my junior year is almost half over like im wasting the last time i have the prime time of like teenage fun and not having #adult struggles and ill ive done is sit in my house and think abt killing myself like ?????? i feel like my golden years are just like snatc #hed out from under me like ill never get this time back and like quarantine is no where near over and im so fucking mad about everyone ignor #ing health orders and just doing all the shit they want or like even people who just get to see friends like?? are we not supposed to stay a #way from other people?? and i always get the same bs answer of oh its my bubble! no its fucking not ur bubble is supposed to be the people #in ur household and no one else like? and my mom sees her friends #my brother sees his and like im over here having had not seen any friend in 9 fucking months?? like its so not fucking fair like i feel so #left out which i shouldny bc everyone should be missibg people and not seeing them all the time #and like on instagram i see my classmates hanging out with friends constantly like going places together and enjoying life like wtf why do #they get to throw caution to the wind why does everyone except me get to see the people they care about regularly and avoid covid regulation #s which are there for a fucking reason like if people listened and stayed safe maybe wed be better by now but no! they keep having fun while #i get to waste away and just throw myself into dispar and loneliness like its not fucking fair #and i feel like ive wasted my time and life and i domt know when ill ever get a chance to really live or have fun like its all so bleak #ugh....im just so fucking mad and sad at the same time that im missing out on all these crucial experiences and just fun times #but im being safe? like why do i have to be stuck doing the right thing when no one else is??? it just fucking sucks #h

[haemosexuality]

just realized christmas/new year is getting close and i Cannot do this again

#i always get freaked out at end of the year holidays #or just at end of the year in general #im not sure why. probably because the fact time passes and never stops freaks me out since im a kid #like when i first realized that i mist have been 7 or 8 and i spent two whole months crying bc the year was ending #probably also bc ive grown up now and am not a kid anymore. so the holidays are very different #there isnt the same happy childhood spark to it you know? its mostly just a boring day where only half my family shows up now #and that fucks me up too #last year it was terrible bc quarantine. it was just me and my parents in my house #instead of my family in my great grandmas house like it always was #anyways im panicking a ljttle rn. it literally just was the end of the year why did it go by so fast. why is it already ending again #why does it feel like evey year goes by faster and worse and more dull i hate it #can i please be 7 again #ahahaahahjdnrntbekrjtjntnt

[isa-ah]

one of my roommates who's only half vaxxed has been on two planes in the past week and me and my fiance have been Outspoken about wanting her to quarantine before she comes back into the public spaces in the house and she Refuses. outright. won't wear a mask, won't keep her distance, and gets on us for wearing masks around her. like. I haven't been living In The House Only for Two Years to have You fuck it up for me and give me omicron. and she just Doesn't Get It. she treats it like im judging her morally for potentially having covid bc she's been traveling and im like i don't CARE just stay AWAY from me and my fiance until we're SURE.

#angry angry mad angry

[neko-rogers]

hey!! I’m not sure if your inbox is still open but I thought I’d send this just in case! what would you think abt a dark!peter who’s obsessed w s/o and offers to have her stay with him during like the stay-at-home pet of covid so she’s not alone then when it’s lifted he’s like lol you’re not leaving. sorry that’s kinda long and super specific. i absolutely love your writing though!!💗

Jamie All Over

words: 2,040 (no, i should be sorry bc this was chaotic)

tags: didn’t expect it to be this LONG, manipulative!peter parker, grooming, overprotectiveness, slight mentions of sex, don’t expect too much lmao its a headcanon

a/n: hi babe! i wasn’t entirely sure if you wanted this as a one shot (but if u do let me know!)

so you’re pretty unaware of every move peter is trying to do with you, you know? you were not really sure if it was a kind gesture, as the gentleman he seemed to be, or was it just a special treatment

ever since second year and until now as both of you were on your fourth year, he was consistent with his efforts

these moves were moments like when he would carry your books to your next class or confidently invite you to a study ‘date’ at the library after – often times he tells that his friends were invited, but would never show up later on

sometimes he would bring you lunch. you tried to turn it down kindly, but he insists that it was purposely packed as an extra for when he stays late around the university.

it was a lie though. anyone could tell by the way it was prepared looking very appetizing and tasted just as amazing at it was presented. 

and as peter had mentioned that he lived alone, you also assumed he was the one to make his meals. you were so sure he doesn’t pack for an extra and intentionally wants to impress you with his skills.

“hey, y/n!,” he calls, “look this eggroll has a cute design!”

he honestly was an epitome of a walking sunshine. his smile seemed so pure and you never felt any ill-intent for every gesture he had done for you

his friends seemed very welcoming the moment he introduced you to his group

you got along with ned who seemed to be just as joyful and funny as peter. meanwhile mj was a bit more of a tough cookie, nevertheless you both eventually got a long better than you expected

however, it came to one point wherein your own group of friends started being disheartened with your lack of communication

“you’ve been spending more time with that parker boy, huh?” “yeah, kinda?” “are you two like... dating?” “oh no! no... no... nooo!”

the moment they frowned at you was then that you realized and felt a little more guilty. you always remembered that friends were supposed to be friends despite the lack of time and effort, right?

somehow you tried to compensate for the lack of time with your friends. but every minute you spend felt more awkward than before

they weren’t sharing the same vibe with you and you were starting to question if it had been always like it – were you only adjusting to them?

you reached out for peter, considering that he became one of the closest and trusted people around the university. plus, he seemed to have genuinely great friends

“do you feel happy when you’re spending time with them?”

“well i used to but recently–”

“then you should stop being friends with them.”

you were upset for a second. the way he instantly told you that cutting ties with them would be the (only) option

he sounded serious on the other end of the line and you were just speechless for a moment. the dead air between lines was evident, but you didn’t know what to say

“sorry,” peter makes up, “i didn’t mean to sound too serious. i just don’t like people who are rude, especially to you.”

“oh, it’s fine. i totally get it.” you felt a batch of butterflies around your stomach. someone actually cared for you!!!

the moment you didn’t hesitate on losing your friendship with your past friends and moved on with joining peter’s group, things felt lighter.

somehow you felt more expressive than you realized. they were open to your ideas and thoughts, just as you were with them. you felt super comfortable and realized that you weren’t holding back on anything anymore

that’s why you had expected your winter break to be better than your past ones

everyone agreed to skate around the ice rink in rockefeller for christmas. along with it, also spending new year’s eve at the time square

news flash: you finally had the cliche new year’s eve kiss, with none other than peter parker!!! hooray!!!

for anyone who had common sense, your feelings for peter had accentuated. you weren’t denying it either, and the boy wasn’t oblivious to it too

he was just so irresistible and kind to you, like, all the time – to surreal, honestly

you felt and KNEW you were spoiled with peter (and his friends, who liked to spend time with you outside too, just not as much as him)

just as you were planning your spring break activities, it had to be postponed for another time

a lockdown had to be implemented around the country as it was under the state of a pandemic

mj and ned told the group that they’ll be with their families since lectures had to be concluded for the mean time

you planned to do the same, but you expected that this situation wouldn’t last long. so you chose to stay in your dorm rather than return to your hometown

completely sucks since you not only don’t get to hang out with your friends, but you weren’t able to see anyone in person...

until you got a text from peter

he was literally inviting you over his apartment since he explained that he wasn’t returning home either

you practically rushed to pack a small amount of clothes for a sleepover whilst not forgetting to wear a mask (bc it’s fucking important ok)

you arrived at his address and a big warm hug ensues 

his unit was so tidy and you were convinced he did it to impress you

peter was so happy to see you, acknowledging that you’re also spending a few nights with him

the nights mostly consisted of eating snacks and binge watching movies

however during one of those nights, both of you got a bonus – making out on his couch and further, completely forgetting the television

making out with peter wasn’t awkward at all. most of the time he was the one in control, which you didn’t mind

his hands treated you so gently but the way he teased you made you crave for more than what he was offering

a lot of whining, swearing, and begging – you weren’t aware but he was enjoying it a lot

on his side, he did praise you from time to time, but most of it consisted of raw tension and actions. the room was full of grunts and short breaths 

just want to include how sexy peter would be while he moans all over you. like his whole sunshine personality just drained away the moment he places his hands on either sides of your waist

the next day you felt like a princess even though you know it shouldn’t be???

apparently peter prepared breakfast for you and you felt embarrassed walking around his place only in the shirt you wore yesterday and underwear

just when you thought the extra lunch he packs for you was already amazing, the breakfast he prepared whilst being fresh and hot was just incredible

“you really like it?”

“of course! you really have to teach me to cook sometimes”

peter laughs and jokes, “yeah, don’t worry. i feel like we’ve got a lot of time ahead.”

ok fast forward to a few more days when you were beginning to feel like a freeloader. he lets you borrow a few of his clothes as yours were in the laundry

by the time you wanted to stop by your place, peter started to be more... clingy

at first he didn’t want you to go but after a few more debates, he felt defeated and instead insisted on going with you

eventually you caved and let him. it wasn’t that bad either, he talked to you about a lot of things on the way leaving you entertained the whole walk without realizing how far it had been

he helped you ‘pack’ more stuff so you wouldn’t be going back and forth from his place and yours. you felt like you were going out of town for a month with the amount of clothes and products

both of you returned to his place around late afternoon. you felt pretty tired and didn’t hesitate to pass out on the living room couch

when you woke up you sensed that you were in peter’s bedroom, meaning he carried and tucked you during the night

plus! an arm was wrapped around your midriff and you could feel peter’s breathing against your side

you closed your eyes and appreciated the moment. it was cute and made butterflies flutter around your stomach, and you tried not to move much to not wake him up

anyways apparently the pandemic lasted longer, and more serious, than expected (fuck the government and their incompetency) 

you spent more time with peter and was thankful that you didn’t spend this quarantine alone

within a blink of an eye, a month and a half already had passed. you couldn’t deny that most, or all, days have been unproductive

eat, cook, watch tv, cuddle, fuck, repeatedly get spoiled??? yeah sounds like the dream

weird though because you haven’t completely brought up to peter if you’re actually in a relationship with him. oh no were you just friends with (a lot) of benefits??

but you also felt like it wasn’t the time to bring it up. neither of you were saying anything so it was best to let it be for the fear that things might go downhill from there

anyways this continued for more weeks, especially since the ‘stay-at-home’ policy was deemed necessary

you started to help him do errands around the apartment just to feel like you weren’t an actual freeloader – but it wasn’t a surprise when he kept insisting that you should relax

more cute moments

more sexy times

and more cuddles during night (peter’s grip became tighter every night, but you shrugged it off assuming that it was just you getting homesick and overthinking)

ok but when you brought up being homesick and mentioned that you planned peter wasn’t entirely happy about it

the way he acted wasn’t just clingy. he insisted that he’d be the one to go and that you were staying

“ok but i’m not a dog, peter?” “i know, honey, but it’s too dangerous outside. i wouldn’t want you to be at risk.” “i wear a mask?? i follow health protocols?? i’ll be fine??” “you don’t understand–”

oh god he was becoming controlling

you tried not to argue anymore, rather ignoring and pushing past him to proceed to the door

and peter instinctively wrapped an arm around your waist and prevented you from walking further

there was a lot of struggling, but you didn’t know he was this strong. literally what the hell.

you tried to scream too but he pretty much threatened you to your core

“let’s talk this out,” he grunts as he secures his grip around you

“the hell? let me go!”

things got more complicated. he did convince you to talk with him (by means of tying your arms and legs to incapacitate you from running and righting)

it was a nightmare. he was really soft and sweet with you, even getting teary eyed after stating, “i only want what’s best for you... for us”

however you could sense the manipulativeness through it despite being making everything else look convincing

“trust me, sweetie, i wouldn’t want to hurt you. it would crush me” “please don’t cry. i’m only protecting you” “people are disgusting, they don’t deserve an angel like you” “don’t worry, i can protect you”

it terrified you to your nerves, sending shivers across your spine

at first you didn’t realize it, but eventually after days of being trapped, you figured he had been grooming you the whole time

he tried to make you dependent of him and somehow he did a fine job. just not enough to completely exploit you

though, it made you question what would have been better in your situation: being conscious of his sly nature with the hope of escaping or being unaware and completely wrapped around his finger whereas letting him continue how greatly he had been caring for you?

#dark!peter parker #dark!peter parker headcanon #dark!peter parker x reader #dark!peter parker imagine #dark!peter parker smut #dark!peter #dark peter parker #dark peter parker imagine #dark peter parker smut #dark!peter x reader #dark peter parker x reader #peter parker imagine #peter parker smut #peter parker headcanon #spiderman imagine #spiderman smut #spiderman headcanon #spiderman x reader #tom holland x reader #tom holland imagine #tom holland smut