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cherry-pop-soda · 3 years

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I know nobody asked but since i’m now officially an upperclassmen (with a wonderful set of undiagnosed mental health issues and neurodivergency, might I add) here’s my tips on how to vibe through the school year (or, at least things that really help me vibe through the school year)

those popular kids who have everyone convinced they’re hot shit? They genuinely aren’t. as a junior I can tell you it’s anarchy after freshman year bc nobody gives much of a shit about popularity anymore. Those popular kids just haven’t had middle school wear off yet. This doesn’t mean some people still won’t be cliquish, they will be, but it’s less common after freshman year. But keep in mind, if someone is cliquish and judgy to you, they probably weren’t worth your time anyways.

you don’t have to fit in. I KNOW it’s so fucking cliche but you seriously don’t have to. You are not less than anybody else just bc they have a shitton of friends they barely know or are rich or anything like that. You are not less than anyone else period. And those people who act like they’re so cool really probably don’t think they actually are that cool. that’s why they try to maintain a high social status.

Your self worth has nothing to do with what other people think of you. If someone is going to judge you for everything you do they aren’t worth your energy anyways. As long as you’re happy being you, that’s what’s important. You should NEVER feel ashamed of being yourself. you do not have to change who you are to be important to this world as a whole.

this is specifically for group projects when you don’t know anyone in the class (I really really needed to hear this as a freshman): just straight up ask people. I know it can be hard but chances are nobody is going to be like “ew no” or something shitty like that. The worst case scenario is really that their group is full so they have to decline in which case you ask other people. And if somebody really IS like “ew no” I would bet money that they would be a horrible person to be in a group with anyways. It’s just weeding out the trash. And honestly, everybody usually just wants to get the assignment done so they don’t have to do it later so they won’t mind you being there.

for homework: USE TIMERS!!!!! THIS SAVED ME!!! Estimate how much time it’ll take you to do something, set up a timer, get some music playing if that helps you, and hit start. Then just work on the assignment until your timer rings. If you need more time set another timer!! And set your phone in a place where you won’t look at it! with the timer going, you’ll feel the urge to try to get the work done before the timer goes off, kind of like when you’re trying to finish work really quickly before the end of class so it doesn’t end up as homework!! It makes work go SO much quicker and it makes it much easier to focus.

for when you have homework in a bunch of classes: make a priority system. I’ll give mine as an example. I do homework in order of when it’s due. If I have an assignment due tomorrow and another due in three days, I do the one that’s due tomorrow first so if I get tired and can’t finish the rest I still have time and don’t have to force myself to do extra work while being super uncomfy. And then if stuff is due at the same time, do the shortest things first. Long assignments are much more tiring, so then when you finish them it’s hard to have energy left to do the other stuff. But if you knock out the short assignments first, it gets you in the roll of doing your homework and is still less tiring.

If you get tired, stop. I’m not kidding at all. If you have some assignment that’s just a ton of work, see how much you can get done, but if you get tired, take a rest and either work on something else or be done. I know that it seems counterintuitive but you can get way more work done when you aren’t on the verge of a breakdown.

pretend. your life. is a movie. this is general life advice honestly but this vastly improved my mental well-being. pretend your life is an indie coming of age movie and you’re the one that’s coming of age. keep in mind that you get to pick the soundtrack!! something’s bothering you? that’s part of the plot and working through it is just part of your growth as a character. That doesn’t mean you aren’t allowed to be upset about it, it just serves to remind you that it will pass and as you fight through it you’re growing as a person. romanticize everything that makes you happy (so long as it is appropriate to do so and doesn’t hurt anybody else or you). Driving down the street listening to your favorite band?? romanticize that. Studying late into the night? romanticize that. it makes everything a little bit brighter and it’s really nice

remember: you are still growing and developing and learning about life. You are still trying to find where you belong in the world and grow into yourself and learn how to feel comfortable in your own skin. You are still trying to understand who you are and who you want to be. You are learning what it means to be YOU, and you are learning how to stop being ashamed of that. And all of that is a process that takes time. Do it at your own pace.

#back to school #school #back to school season #back to school 2021 #back to school anxiety #mentally ill #neurodivergent #neurodivergency #advice #school advice #unsolicited advice

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silvyavan · 3 years

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if clover forces yuno to be some spade royal for stability or some shit i want yuno to be Spiteful about it. just clear out & fire any spade noble who smell like scum, maybe have asta there with his ki-sensing to help screen them. kick them out, take their shit, make their mansion an apt or orphanage bc fuck 'em, and tell them to go build themselves a log cabin. and yuno being down To Fight if they have a problem, like what's wrong? i thought You Wanted me here? who were YOU expecting?? (1/5)

like some old noble being interviewed & brings up they had good convos with his parents & yuno interrupting "good for you. what results did you produce for the people?", "wh-", "oh? nothing? you're fired, get out. next." the folks who 'wanted' yuno realizing from how he talks & acts this is no noble - this is riffraff. mr niaflem Where Did You Leave Him? "at a church i swear" yuno not even taking the king title, just staying a prince as an affront & bc he hates this enough already (2/5)

not like anyone outranks him right? promotes asta as a FU to clover + in genuine appreciation: he's Sir Asta of Hage now. they run around spade talking to commonfolk & overpaying stuff, making snowmen with kids, yuno even clears snow from streets & roofs, he's nice to them. tbh i also have trouble seeing asta leaving yuno out there on his own... maybe he & nero can stay for a bit while the stuff with their trial gets worked out? by the time clover gets back to them about things they find (3/5)

that yuno went on a noble eviction spree. did they think he'd become bougie? even nozel who was "oh hes a royal of course" is now going "holy shit they really gave the crown to A Fucking Peasant" thats right rich man its just like you always feared: a poor rat robin-hooding the shit outta everything. was it too much? who knows but idk what they expected from an uneducated spiteful 17y.o. who spent his life in the sticks & dirt, whos magic knight efforts & dream were suddenly undermined, (4/5)

denied going home, left unsupervised & handed a shitton of authority. yuno "can i go home? i think i threw out most of the trash :)", "what did you do to them?", "they work hard now :)" admittedly the dark triads disruption of govt made it easier to clear the weeds; meanwhile clovers are plentiful & deeply intertwined. it dawns on them he'd do that to clovers rich if he had the chance; its low-key threatening. "did i do something wrong? :)" (5/5 done) idk man its a what-if i keep having...

Op can i just say first and foremost, thank you for making my evening with Yuno “Drain The Swamp” of Hage concept

Right off the bat, Clover putting/forcing Yuno to accept the throne in either an attempt to monitor it/act as a puppet king for Clover or simply because they don’t want him there as a form of xenophobia is possible

The only problem is that Yuno would have a hidden talent for Malicious Compliance. There is, without a sliver of doubt, that Yuno will act as prince in the most passive aggressive way. “Oh, you want me to rule Spade but still be buddy buddy with you? Too bad, im gonna drain the fuvking swamp and rebuild the kingdom, focusing on the citizens needs. You know, like a good ruler.” That’s him, he’s out there ready to throw hands wit both Clover AND Spade for pulling this type of shit.

So obviously they’d put an inside man to monitor Yuno, but end up choosing William “Gay Peasant Raised, Ready to Start A Literal Coup” Vangeance under the assumption that since he was his captain, he’d listen to him. But really, most of his “reports” are just the same letter paraphrased as he has tea with Yuno to gossip and roast the Clover and Spade Nobility like

“The Kira’s are angry about Wednesday’s sacking.”

“Hoes mad.”

“Hoes Mad Indeed, Lol.”

Nozel suddenly being all “This is a literal Peasant saying Fuck The Bourgeusie” when he realises Yuno is firing assholes left and right but it does NOT help him that NOELLE, of all people, is supporting and endorsing the message (mostly because 90% of the nobles Yuno has been sacking are against Asta, hickest of the hicks who made Forever Friendship Bracelets with a demon, and are conspiring to frame him)

And the best part is that NOBODY, absolutely NO ONE has the balls to go against him because 1) they wanted this in the first place, 2) he’s the only ruler left of the royal bloodline and 3) if anyone so much as tries to speak against him, Asta, Sylph and Liebe (mostly for the thrill of harassing upper echelons) are ready to Shred These Assholes

And it absolutely drives the nobles wild that Yuno chose Asta ( the very same demon host that Smacked Dante and Lucifero Right Into Early Graves) as his right hand, as if he isn’t married to a demon and a threesome isn’t being theorised under the table

Clover Kingdom nobles realising that Yuno CAN and WILL come over to Clover to do the same unless they change is also something that makes a LOT of the houses sweat.

If Tabata decides to be a grade A coward and go with “Yuno ascends to the Spade Throne” as post Qlipoth arc, he better make Yuno be open about hating it and threatening damn near all of Clover with a Coup for the shit they’ve been pulling since forever (Diamond Kingdom is on Thin Fucking Ice, mostly because Mars has apparently weeded out most of the corruption and still isn’t done)

#Anonymous #black clover #black clover manga #black clover spoilers #yuno black clover #asta black clover #william vangeance #silv writes

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sodalitefully · 3 years

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Ok Duff and Slash fooling around in women's clothes and make-up (before gnr themselves were that into the glam clothes) and being unbelievably turned on bc let's face it, they look great in them (I meant this as a request but if you're not taking them, just tell me your thoughts on this cus I'm dying to talk abt this idea w someone😂)

How could I turn down a request like that? 😉

[a bit of smut ahead! and some extra brainstorming about fashion at the end]

****

“Yeah, sure.”

Duff gaped. Not in a million years did he think Slash would actually say yes.

“You... You will? Are you sure?”

“Yeah... I’ll do it if you do.”

Oh. Duff flushed pink. So he wasn’t the only one who’d been inspired by that conversation a week ago... The one about makeup and women’s clothes – just for gigs, of course, like those glam rockers do. But it got Duff thinking, even though they agreed that dressing like chicks onstage wasn’t really their style, maybe they could still experiment a little in private. For days, he couldn’t get the idea of Slash in lipstick and a skirt out of his head, and it seemed like Slash might have been stuck on a similar fantasy as well.

So they took a few days to round up as much women’s clothing and makeup as they could (through questionably legal means, but it had to be done), then pooled their spoils and began the much more complicated task of figuring out how to put together outfits.

They decided to choose each other’s looks: For Duff, Slash picked out a flowy sundress that was almost indecently short on the tall bassist. He added a shitton of silver necklaces and bracelets, and was meticulous and steady-handed as he did his best to apply Duff’s makeup. The only pair of women’s shoes they could find in his size was a pair of bright red heeled sandals, so Slash chose a lipstick to match and painted Duff’s nails black.

While they had the supplies out, Duff helped Slash with his makeup (dark eyeliner and a glossy lip) and painted his nails blue. Slash modeled several items for Duff – a high waisted skirt, a ruffly gold top... He looked amazing in anything, and Duff drew out settling on the perfect outfit in order to spend more time watching him pose. Slash was happy to indulge him, he was enjoying Duff’s eyes on him – not to mention his own view of Duff’s incredibly long legs in that dress.

Eventually, Duff couldn’t take it anymore: Slash was wearing a pair of little leather shorts over fishnet tights with a bikini top and gloves that reached his biceps when Duff finally walked him backwards to the bed, towering over Slash in his heels. When the back of Slash’s knees hit the mattress, he wrapped his gloved arms around Duff’s bare shoulders and dragged him down with him as he fell onto the bed.

Duff disentangled himself enough to kneel between Slash’s legs, leaning forward to plant his hands next to Slash’s shoulders and take in the view of Slash laid out below him. Slash responded by wrapping his legs around Duff’s waist and pulling him closer, his fishnets imprinting diamond scales onto Duff’s exposed thighs. Being admired was nice and all, but Duff wasn’t the only one who couldn’t keep his hands to himself for a second longer.

Duff got the hint and bent down to kiss Slash, their lipstick shades smearing together. Slash tried to chase him when he pulled away, but Duff buried a hand in his curls, holding him in place while he made his way lower, scattering sticky red kisses and teasing touches across Slash’s torso, making him arch his back in pleasure.

The final kiss left a red stain on black leather right over Slash’s cock. Slash squirmed, his voice beseeching as he encouraged Duff to keep going. Duff unzipped his shorts and simply tore the cheap tights to free his cock, too impatient to take everything off. Slash gasped appreciatively at the unexpected aggression, but before he could say a word Duff’s lips were wrapped around his head, tongue swirling as he gradually took Slash deeper.

Slash’s satin fingers carded roughly through Duff’s hair as he moaned, and Duff groped Slash’s ass while he buried his cock in his throat, sinking his fingers into smooth leather and urging Slash to thrust into him. After so much foreplay, it wasn't long before Slash was on the edge, his eyes fluttering shut and skin shining with sweat as Duff picked up the pace, eagerly bobbing his head even while Slash spilled down his throat with a loud, drawn-out moan.

Slash was still panting when Duff crawled up to straddle his hips and bent down for a kiss that tasted like cum and cherry lip gloss. He took a moment to catch his breath and admire Duff, who looked down at him with his lipstick destroyed and his hair a disheveled mess. Slash stroked his palms up and down Duff’s thighs, inching higher and higher until they slipped under his skirts and brushed against the edge of his lace panties. Duff was desperate to finally be touched, he whined when Slash's fingers lightly grazed his cock and lifted his hips to grind into Slash's hand. "Slash, please."

Slash would have been just as happy to continue watching Duff try to hump his palm, but he couldn't deny his lover anything so obligingly he pushed back his skirt, tugged the sheer black lace out of the way and very gently stroked Duff's length with his satin-gloved hands.

Duff gasped at the unfamiliar sensation of soft, silky fabric, holding as still as he could under Slash’s caress so that the friction wouldn't become too much. Slash didn't tease him for long, after a moment he bit down on the tip of his glove, tugging it loose with his teeth before peeling them both off and finally giving Duff the rough handjob he'd been pleading for.

Slash knew how to treat Duff the way he liked, with firm strokes and callused fingers that drove him wild. Before long, Duff was trembling and moaning with every thrust. “Are you close? Lay back, I want to suck you.” Slash wiggled out from underneath Duff and helped tug off his panties and toss them aside.

Duff leaned back on his arms, his long legs folded back and splayed wide with his heels digging into the bedspread. His skirt was still gathered around his waist, leaving him completely exposed. The scene put a lusty grin on Slash’s face, and he maintained eye contact with Duff as he licked a stripe up the underside of his shaft before finally ducking his head and swallowing him down.

Duff came watching Slash’s ass in skin-tight leather shorts, bouncing in time with each bob of his head as his damp curls clung to his arched back. Slash licked him clean before letting him up, moving aside and laying on his belly with his chin in his hands and his fishnetted ankles crossed above him as he watched Duff slowly stretch out his stiff legs and start undoing the straps on his heels.

“You look fucking amazing, you know,” Slash informed him with a smile. Even in a dress, even with his makeup smeared to hell and a bit of hair stuck to his lips, and especially when he was relaxed and freshly fucked, Slash would always find Duff maddeningly attractive.

Duff blushed at the praise. “So do you,” he responded, trailing his eyes appreciatively up and down Slash’s prone body.

“I could probably get my hands on some more clothes next week. Maybe lingerie, definitely makeup. Y’know, if you think you wanna try this again sometime...”

Duff laughed, both eager and flustered at the prospect. “I think I’d have to be crazy to pass up a chance to see you in lingerie.”

****

I feel like they would probably end up in kind of mismatched eclectic outfits considering how they end up dressing in their glam phase, not to mention they were scavenging for clothes in the first place lol. But oh my god, the possibilities are endless...

Duff in leggings and maybe a crop top or bandeau, or a jumpsuit oh my god like the kind with the flared legs? If only they could find one long enough lmao. Heeled boots would be killer, maybe gloves for those slender hands of his, maybe a pretty scarf. They could try curling his hair lol and I think he could definitely pull of glitter makeup. I feel like overall he would straddle the line between pretty and glamorous, with a little badass mostly from his shoes.

Slash I think would be pretty rocker chic and maybe also a little bit hippie-ish? A skater skirt would be cool, and denim short-shorts, bikini tops or cropped band tees, platform shoes. Idk why but I really wanna stick stuff in his hair, like flowers or glitter or whatever! But also, I’d love to see him in some cute stuff; over sized sweaters, pastels, heart-shaped sunglasses...

PLEASE feel free to tell me what you’re imagining for this idea!! I absolutely want to hear your thoughts, I agree this needs to be talked about 💕

#reply #wow it's been a million years since i posted anything remotely smutty #hope you enjoy! I just kinda went for it so hopefully it's not a mess 😅#sodafics #slash #saul hudson #duff mckagan #sluff #guns n roses #gnr #gotta post before i overthink this too much

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curiosityjams · 3 years

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re: iz*one

first of all, i wanted to say i didn’t plan on writing something about the disbandment. the past few months have been incredibly rough on my mental state to the point where i feel as if i’ve lost all sense of self. shit has been so rough for me, their disbandment being confirmed made that even worse for me. however, i realized i need to learn how to be okay with like...being open about my own emotions in a time of uncertainty and writing them out helps me in a way even if a lot of those emotions i’d rather keep private. i’ve also been going thru a time where i’m currently reevaluating this past year and everything i’ve done/felt in the past few yrs (2.5 of those years being izone’s run), so i thought i’d write something about the disbandment and what iz*one means to me, esp during this point in my life. i’d write more about what led me to this point, but if i did, i’d end up writing a whole novel, so i’m just going to keep this as short as possible.

also if this is a jumbled mess, i’m sorry!!!!

since we’re here to talk about the inevitable, i just wanted to say that i’ve probably had a harder time accepting them being gone than i thought. i knew they were gonna disband eventually bc lol produce group, but also, knowing what happened with the voting scandal and the panasonic, it makes it even worse for me. i hate that they didn’t even bother to handle their disbandment in a way that wasn’t complete horseshit. i hate how the pandora screwed everything up. i hate how we didn’t even get a proper goodbye from the girls. i knew that this was going to happen, but i fucking hate how it all turned out. i can’t say i’m 100% happy with the ending and honestly, don’t think i’ll ever be able to fully accept that they’re no longer a group.

that said, i’m not here to vent.

while i’m obviously upset that they’re gone, the fact that they were ever a group to begin with--i’ll forever be grateful. i avoided getting into them for the longest time because of my own trauma from being involved in the 48 fandom (smth i’ll talk about at a later time bc it’s a lot), but the moment i decided to watch their “up” performance and actually give them a chance beyond looping la vie en rose, that’s when i fell in love. i fell in love with the music. i fell in love with the visuals. i fell in love with the bond between the girls. most of all, i fell in love with the fact that during a weird transitional period in my 20s, i found a group that gave me the closure i needed in a time where it felt like the world was against me while also giving me the strength i need to move on.

while we’re on that topic, let’s talk about kwon eunbi.

as you already know from my url, eunbi is obviously my bias. she’s the leader of the group, under the company my ult group, lovelyz, is also in, and THE absolute all-rounder. she’s extremely talented, super fucking funny, a babe of THE highest order, and the best single mom you could ever ask for. every time i watch a video of iz*one’s or look at any of their pics, i’m always in absolute awe of her. while i love all of the girls (j-line has a very special place in my heart bc of my time in 48 fandom) and do consider the entire group to be one full of bias wreckers, it’s eunbi that instantly caught my eye and the one i’m incredibly proud to call my ult.

“now, drea, why is it that you’re taking so much time with talking about how special this group and that girl are to you?” well, it’s mainly because that eunbi and i are the same age (both 95-liners, but i’m older by 2 months) that i’m so drawn to not only her, but the group as well. yeah, it’s normal to be drawn to members born in your birth year, but for me and esp in this case, it’s far more complex than it seems.

around the time i got into the group, i was (still am) going thru a quarter life crisis. i had just finished my a.a., was a few months away from turning 24, and had pretty much decided i was going to take an indefinite hiatus from twitter due to the amount of harm its done to my mental health over 10 years. i felt like shit knowing that so many people my age were living their lives, getting married, having kids, etc all that shit while i felt as if i was frozen in time and like i could never accomplish any of those things because according to society, my time was up. as a woman on the autism spectrum, i never felt like anything i did was enough and knowing that even after years of trauma, the feeling that if i don’t have my entire life sorted out by 24/25 scared the living shit out of me. knowing that a panini happened made those feelings even worse.

i know it’s weird to like...feel so many emotions over this esp since 23-25 is young and starting your career out at that age is normal. that said, knowing how eunbi was already in a group prior to joining iz*one that ended up disbanding months after they debuted, the road she took to get to where she is now, and the fact that she’s 25/26 and will get so many chances to start over is what gives me hope after such a shit year. i can finally get to where i want to be, i’ll graduate from university, i’ll hopefully get a job that will earn me enough money to move out of my mom’s house, i’ll find love, etc who the fuck knows what’s going to happen? i hate that after years of hating myself and being afraid of getting older because people often have this mentality that you should abandon all sense of yourself once you hit your mid 20s, it’s taken me THIS long to actually start accepting myself for who i am and living my life for myself, but i’m excited to see where the fuck life takes me after years of self-hatred, trauma, and trying too hard to please ppl that don’t give a shit. seeing eunbi just have a fucking blast on stage, take care of her members, and overall be the amazing person she is gave me the strength i desperately needed to actually get to the path i want to be on as someone that’s a few years away from turning 30.

as i said earlier, i’m not ready to just outright accept iz*one being gone. i’ll probably spend the entire month of may just watching their content since there’s still a shitton of stuff i have yet to watch and i’m lowkey embarrassed that as a fan, i’m admitting this, but also: there’s no time limit. i can always watch that video at another time, i’ll like that pic later, etc. i wish iz*one was one of those things that had no time limit because i’ll always cherish them, but in the 2.5 years of their existance, i achieved some big things and survived a pandemic. i left twitter, got closure in chapters i needed closure in, finished my a.a., etc among many other things during that time and it’s partly because of iz*one that i’ve pushed myself to do all of those things. it’s hard esp since it’s easier to just write smth like this on tumblr than actually do it, but the girls and their music were part of the reason why 2020 wasn’t a complete dumpster fire for me.

most of all, i wanted to write this because i wanted to shout-out the amazing folks at @izonetwork. i joined super late in the game, but the convos i’ve had, the laughs we’ve had on discord/among us, etc i’ll never forget it. meeting all of you was one of THE highlights of an otherwise shitty year and i’ll always credit you as one of the reasons why i wasn’t completely emotionally distant during such a dark time. all of you keep me grounded and i’m forever grateful. super honored to call you guys my friends. <3

so yeah, thank you iz*one. thank you, eunbi, sakura, hyewon, yena, chaeyeon, chaewon, minju, nako, hitomi, yuri, yujin, and wonyoung. i don’t speak korean or japanese, but know i’m eternally grateful for all the joy, strength and bops you gave me in the past 2.5 years. i’m even more grateful for the friends i’ve met thru my own fandom of the group. i’m excited to see what every single one of you does next regardless of what it may be.

now if you’ll excuse me, i have to go catch up on all the enozis i’ve missed.

❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤

#izone #kpop #be quiet drea

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friiday-thirteenth · 3 years

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right right right c a m p

ok. ok so it was very long and I'm unbelievably tired but also my head says write it down so uh

day one- five hour bus ride. it was fun, bc the person I was sitting beside slept the whole time and I got to joke around with the guys, who were surprisingly chill. they only brought up p*rn once, which is like.... good for them all things considered lmao

then we had the tramp in. the campsite where we were staying at the first night was the farthest from base, and one group biked in while the other tramped.

my groups tramp took s i x h o u r s. no other groups went over five. we had to keep stopping bc a) one kid was feeling sick, b) one kid rolled her ankle and c) we weren't allowed to sprint off into the Bush and potentially die without an instructor with us.

so there were like, four of us who were constantly at the front, and they were: me, my crush, my crushes best friend, bitch-who-bullied-me.

twas interesting.

we got the campsite in the dark, after a river crossing in which my socks got soaked, as did my shoes, and the tents and food were already sorted for us so that was great. food was shit, though. mince that was half brown water and cold pasta.kept us going, though, and as became my motto throughout camp, food is food.

that night was the only time I cried. kinda sad, tbh, but it was bc on the 'girls' side (as we all know that if the boys and girls tents were together, absolutely everyone would just be going at it, of course (jfc they have a low opinion of year tens (we sorta deserve it though, stuff happened with last years year tens...))) everyone else was paired up and even the people in three person tents didnt want me in there 🥰🥰🥰🥰 really felt the love there, guys.... jokes on them I slept by myself each night and was ready within five minutes each morning. actually really glad they showed how much they didnt care abt me bc it was really nice being alone in the wilderness, and that's not sarcasm.

anyway. day two.

woke up, was ready within ten minutes bc I woke with the leaders, who wake ten minutes before we're meant to and get themselves and breakfast ready before we're up. (I'm really fast at waking up, but take ages to go to sleep. like, everyone has to stfu before my body's able to start shutting down, and as soon as there's people moving around I'm up like a shot.)

anyway. I had eaten breakfast and was washing up before anyone else came out. next kid out was my crush, and we bitched about people taking forever for a while, which was fun.

then we waited for ages for everyone else to get sorted out, blah blah blah, and we had the bike ride back. 11.5 kilometers, I think,mostly downhill for us.

it was fun! I'm not a brilliant biker, but I kept near the middle-front of the group, and i just. let go of the brakes going downhill. and these hills were bloody steep and gravelly, plus the dips and river crossings.

I didnt fall off the bike, but one kid did lmao. there was this sharp turn before a metal gate, and He saw the gate and started pulling kn the brakes, but he hit the front brakes and just. flipped. the bike crashed into me and he went to the ground.

it was funny in the afterwards, but the kid got rather grazed lmao. he's not dead though, so that's good.

we were at the campsite that was, in my opinion, the coldest that night. also I slept in a three person instead of a two person, and by myself that meant more body heat was going into the tent. brrr. but we also did the nightline activity(hold onto a rope and follow it through the dark forest while blindfolded and with a helmet on. highly recommend it. go do it with friends u trust lmao)

I was behind this slow kid and he tripped at one point so I just. went ahead of him. then I spent around half an hour walking through the dark by myself (I walked into five trees. each time I took a step back, glared at it through the blindfold fifty five seconds and then continued around it with a muttered bitch. I'm nothing if not dramatic.) before I crashed into my crush hehe. it was near the end and we just got to the end at the same time, where two others already were. it was chill, we talked for a while. bullied people who were going through it by whacking trees they were near with sticks and shaking the line as they tried to use it. (we were allowed to, dw)

the next day, we went canyoning and holy frick frack fuckedy fuck fuck, that was c o l d. freezing. I jumped into the water and nearly died (exaggerated) but my crush jumped through a fricken waterfall and couldnt feel his hands or feet for ten minutes. another kid was walking funny bc he'd waited in the water for five minutes, and this shit was cold enough that we were wearing wet suits and thermals.

once we were dry and dressed (we got to have showers. h e a v e n (I only took 10 seconds bc like, why tf would you need a longer one? people took fifteen minutes, like wtf)) we went rock climbing! which was brilliant, honestly. I liked the belaying more (I've got this thing where I prefer people trust me than me trusting them, hmmm I wonder why) but also climbed the hardest one! it was really fun, and I only fell like fourteen time at one point (lmao,the rope caught me each time but I looked like a fuvking idiot hehe)

then we slept at a campsite which had a fire kn the beach!! if was so much fun. we also did a solo, which involved us sitting in the wild for twenty minutes and reflecting upon camp. I lay on the ground and stared at the moon. it was lovely and peaceful, until two kids started talking.

side note, guys voices are lovely and deep and rumbly and very nice (in general) but girls are generally higher pitched and ugh, it can be v e r y bloody annoying when ur trying to contemplate life.

possums visited camp that night. woke up in the middle of it to a possum crashing into the side if my tent, and I just. stopped breathing for a minute while I listened to it. a possum growling sounds terrifying. look it up!

also heard cows that night. cows are good.

day four, we abseiled. holy s h i t, it was fun. just... sitting there and watching the river and and rock and dangling in midair.... god, I loved it.

then we went to the high ropes course. this was b r i l l i a n t. we'd done low ropes st some point, but high ropes involved more belaying, which involved, and then at one point, we did a thing called the leap of faith, which was around eight meters high and you climbed to the top of this cylinder of wood before jumping for a trapeze. I knew I wouldn't get it, so I jumped on two when they counted down for me, and I missed lmao. but it was bloody brilliant.

then we had to do a whole shitton of cleanup,which they don't normally get groups to do, but we were s p e c i a l (as in our school gets to clean things we dont even use, sigh) before camping one last night. I had go share with someone, it was gell, packed up at least four tents in the morning bc I was very good at that for some reason,before we hot back to camp and went to the bus and oh, that was brilliant.

I finished my book, chatted with the guys, chatted with my crush for .5 of a second, had that thkng happen where people see you talking to a guy and are like ooOOooohhHHHHHhhh they're dAtiNG bc we're all stupid year tens and it was fucking hilarious (I've never dated anyone, so peopke bloody obsess over pairing me up with someone and I'm just like??? fuckers I'ma child how abt no (sidenote there was a couple on camp and they were cute but uh. year ten relationships dont really last, according to my year 13 camp leader (she was chill af, and basically showed me a whole new perspective on being friends with guys and so in conclusion she's bloody brilliant))) anyway they came up with a ship name for me and the guy and I nearly pissed myself laughing bc its best to laugh along with it and it was really funny tbh

anyway. we also for some reason talked abt sex and porn a lot and it was weird but also kinda chill bc most of the boys are relatively respectful of the girls,in the sense that we all make dirty jokes to each other but don't cross the line, so it was pretty funny and chill. also guys apparently never stop making dick jokes and that type of shit and it was kinda funny tbh

then we got home, grabbed our shit, and legged it away from there.

now I'm gonna rant abt my crush hehe

he was like, oh who's this? when we were walking to dinner in the dark one night (I was in front of him and his friend and he couldn't see my face) and then fucking knew who I was from the way that I walked like mate, why tf do you know how i walk and how to describe it, hmm?

I flipped him off after he said that though it was fucking funny

also!! he just. stared at my eyes and was like, are your eyes different colors? and I was like yeah. and he just nodded slowly and we maintained eye contact for a while. twas weird.

we have staring contests a lot too?? like, he'll look at me or I'll look at him and then at one point he was like, you just stare at people and then tilt ur head, dont you! and I was like wtf dude,but also I kept eye contact bc its a Thing.

also on the bus ride home he just mimicked my facial expressions and it was really bloody funny and j broke out laughed and he smiled

yeah basically I'm hopelessly crushing on him bc he's smart and sarcastic but it never gonna happen so I just wanna be friends type thing. sigh.

ANYWAY. camp was kinda great, at some points it left me feeling like I was so bloody alone and also I felt really shitty mentally but I kept going and i really enjoyed it! yeah! also i nearly cried when i said goodbye to my instructors bc they were brilliant and I'm gonna miss them so bloody much, I'm sad I'll never see them again.

yeah.

#im hopeless ik #but it was chill #yeah #ask questions if youve got any!

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badanimereviews · 5 years

Text

summer 2019 anime sum-up

lmao i realized i never did this and posted the fall season b4 this.... oops

kimetsu no yaiba: tbh started out kinda meh. and now it’s turned into one of the new big shounens. i was not expecting that. nearing the end got rly good and i was rly looking forward to more episodes! tanjiro gets cooler and cooler! animation is rly nice (thanks ufotable) and the way tanjiro’s water is animated. like. aesthetic asf. it’s so good. i love black-haired emo dude and zenitsu (my spirit animal) and ofc nezuko she is adorable im c r y. side note: the hashira? i think they’re called? some of the ugliest fkn characters i’ve seen in ages like flame boy? stone boy? i HATE them. and the gem dude too like man get a new tattoo artist on god.... he needs it.,,,,,,and inosuke is so pretty it’s unfair

dr stone: ok man dr stone rly went off. tbh. i’ve always been a whore for chemistry since reading the flavia de luce series (btw, i want more books of) and watching this just tickles my noodle brain in a good way... who needs prozac when i get a shitton of serotonin from watching senku dick around.... (btw what is going on with what’s his face and the girl. yuzuriha????? i can’t remember. i love senku don’t get me wrong but i need their perspective too... bc i hate lion dude... so much.... dick....) again i will repeat that i am a whore for chemistry so i get oFF on this. backgrounds are amazing/ animation so nice n clean (most o the time lmao). i thought i would hate the black n white haired trickster boi and ms yellow ponytail and suika but no! dr stone is such a good show that they are now great, loveable characters. also i am senku and chrome’s whore so jfc. man, i love the explanations of all the chemistry shabang, but some things i think would be better if explained! like senku doing physical labour at the beginning- ex. making all those pots and building that shit by hisself. i know he weak af. yes he smart but like. construction? difficult. pottery? even for me the artist . difficult. and that shed of his was filled to the brim. HOW. anyways, i love this so much i am crying constantly

just realized i didnt need to write about dr stone. oh well.

danmachi 2: wtf yo. haruhime is so pretty but not a fan of her personality! bell still cute af and still don’t rly like aiz! animation good as always, and my god i shit myself whenever the argonaut theme starts up bc that is ? one of the best pieces of non-sawano hiroyuki pieces i’ve ever heard? addicted to it. and the opening! love the dynamics, the brief ‘rain’ scenes like when mikoto slashes the raindrops and just her motion basically? as an animator that is what i aspire to accomplish because i just love that. tiny little scene.

arifureta: this would have been so much better had they dragged out mc’s op-ifying process! made him suffer more! i explained this briefly in my ‘first thoughts’ post for this season, but story-wise and pacing-wise his power-up could have been so much more deserved and gratifying. think shield hero- loser suffers, gets angry, slowly builds up power in an epic payoff! would have been so epic too. and also if they’d made his gained powers less.... crazy nerfed. again: HE SHOULD HAVE SUFFERED MORE AND THIS WOULD HAVE MADE A BETTER SHOW. harem thoughts: yue- meh. sucky char honestly. shea- my fav girl, she is a great character don’t judge- sexy and love her personality and love her character design and love how much fanservice she gets lol. panty flash ftw. dragon girl- discount darkness honestly , tho nice design. and mermaid girl- yuck, annoying, DO NOT like the ‘papa’ trope! (ahem sao.) it’s gross. also just fuck mc’s classmates honestly- paladin dude sucks ass, healer girl OOF that last episode ruined her, samurai girl is ok i guess. hate ai-sensei too like shut UPP annoying ass HOEEEEE (postscript: opening=very epic too)

kanata no astra: plot twist? check. trillion well-done plot twists? check. this was done very well. i am so happy. all those plot twists and turns would usually suck in any regular anime- but this was written with GODLIKE ability. thank you, lerche. legit, this was such an enjoyable ride, i eagerly awaited each new ep! typically i hate space-related stuff but like! survival stuff gets my goat.... like this was good- (tho maybe more technical-stuff in the survival theme would make it so cooler) what shocked me the most: (spoilers alert) didn’t end up hating quitterie or funi. (tho the puppet made me want to strangle smth) luca’s gender had rly confused me but i’d decided on him being a boy- so basically that reveal left me like WHOA. i died. did luca rly have to show emo boy their tity tho... kanata losing his arm gave me the yeeeks, charce being the traitor was made sO WELL into a surprise even tho i’d kinda already suspected him<- like that was just fucking amazing writing there. gj. and ares the princess! ok man! shocked! AND also the whole clone thing, just fucked me right up. up the ass. like there are probably more plot twist layers in this than a fkn ogre has.... anyway shrek aside, yun?’s character arc was very pleasing, i think that was done very well! and the ending made me UwU like BRO? goals tbh. yeah this is a hidden gem and is just so good, so well-written overall.

cop craft: didn’t have high expectations. i am now,,, quite,,, shocked &,,, blown away. sweetheart this is a good fucking show. so why @ livechart.me DOES IT HAVE 7.40 STARS WHEN FKN ARIFURETA HAS 7.72. can someone explain this to me? i’m outraged. LIVID. matoba and tilarna were amazing characters btw! loved their dynamic! briefly i thought it might get romantic! nope, it didn’t, so it’s all good. actions scenes were epic, tilarna’s design and outfits were so much nicer than i thought they’d be like. she is so cute. and the op- man, if that is not such a bopper vibe then idk what is. i could watch it forever. it deserves so much more than what it’s got rn.

naka no hito genome: (serious question: is this considered some sort of isekai?) genome gave me btooom vibes honestly but like- this is SO much better than btooom and most game/trap/ kinda shows. fkn BOP of an op, especially the sequence at the end with short clips of each character in action (nutt). paka-san was a good boy and he deserves irl merch. i fell in LOve with all the characters (bubble boy= hot, akatsuki= ok meh actually kinda boring, karin= hot and i want her to punch me, ruromori= beautiful 12/10 would let her stalk me, sleepy eyes boy= baby + dazai vibes and hot af, twin boy= also hot, onigasaki= hot and love him so much, and loli girl= her light grenades got annoying but nice char design) anyways yeah more of this would be epic. i wanna see sakura and her twin reunite, and how they get out basically! also animation quality was very good which is surprising considering it’s a silver link anime.

kono yo no hate de koi wo utau shoujo yu-no: i include the whole title bc this is a good anime. (also livechart.me why 7.27 stars i will fuck you up) only meh part of this is the return to earth from dela granto bc that was like a culture shock and honestly at that point i’d forgotten a lot about what had happened on earth and didn’t care as much. btw, f ayumi and f the other brown-haired oneesan. mio and kanna ftw. obvs i didn’t understand the sayless x takuya thing like dumbass horny teenager . why u gotta creampie the worst girl. u have mio. bruh. (tho mio x ‘oyabi!’ boy is a great ship) also, takuya’s mom? keiko-san? idk if you’ve noticed but that’s literally my name so yeah just glad to finally have some keiko representation. altogether goodass anime. the time travel/ rezero esque reset thing almost got me but this was done well. so no problems. both ops very good. first song was bae, second also bae (just realized it’s by konomi suzuki, one of my waifu idols, so yea nice) and ed2 also so pretty! also yu-no’s design was rly pretty, the outfit colours, and her pigtails rly suited her :)

granbelm: sorry this is the last one lol this was a long ass post! other than the fact i dont rly like mecha this was good.... action, CHARACTER designs aesthetic asf, honestly rly pretty ok. i liked the cast, very diverse and more depth than most shows of this ilk. op was nicely choreographed- especially the part where the girls’ faces are contorted by their gems, showing their magical girl side. nicely done. mangetsu didn’t end up being that bad a char, and honestly? suigetsu is best girl and deserved better. and the ending too- like, bro, that made me kinda sad. some off points: anna’s mom was a little unrealistic as a mom like woman- please learn to control your child, and, white-haired girl’s sister should have played a bigger part, based on how her parts in the opening were emphasized! (quick note- blue girl, love her, great bad guy, when she dumped anna made me so happy honestly, she is beautiful, and i couldn’t actually decide who i wanted to win between her and suigetsu....)

hope u enjoyed this bad review. pls share ur opinions w/ me on some of of these more controversial shows. thank.

#anime #review #anime review #textpost #long post #dr stone #danmachi #kimetsu no yaiba #demon slayer

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vancilocs · 4 years

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4, 6, 10, 19, 20 22 29 30 34 36 41-45 for roxette, remy and iain?

all sortsa people

4. What type of discipline was your character subjected to at home? Strict? Lenient?

Roxie’s parents got together, married and had her far too young so they also split up when she was just a toddler and kept in pretty minimal contact. So she could pretty much do what she liked because A) her parents were trying to one-up the other by being more lenient and nicer to her so she could literally just say “but daddy lets me-” and her mom would let her do that and more, and B) the parents didn’t speak to one another so she could get both of them to take her to the zoo because the other didn’t know she had already been there with the other. Boi did she learn how to manipulate people quick

Remy’s mom wasn’t overtly strict but not overtly lenient either. She made sure to teach her kids manners, respect and all that, gave them rules, grounded if needed, but really nothing out of the ordinary.

Outwards the family was just spotless and perfect, but Iain’s parents were pretty strict and quite demanding of him (his sister too). But, as long as he pulled straight A’s from school, he could do what he liked with his spare time before curfew.

6. Did they feel rejection or affection as a child?

She grew up holding the leash of both her parents, but when they remarried and had other children when Roxie was in her teens, she was absolutely mortally insulted. So that feeling of affection turned into rejection really quick because she wasn’t the center of their world at all and this wouldn’t do.

Affection, dad wasn’t around but mom is and was very loving and nurturing, and there were aunts, uncles and grandmas and grandpas. So even if he had to share with his other two siblings there was plenty of love to go around

Mainly affection, but very conditional and like he had to be even better because he was born “imperfect”. He still loves his parents and kinda refuses to see how their demands still affect his life.

10. Is your character street-smart, book-smart, intelligent, intellectual, slow-witted?

Very street-smart and quick-witted, very manipulative. Knows how to use her looks to fool people and make them underestimate her.

Very very street-smart, always knows a chance to profit when he sees one. An expert on doing crimes without actually doing crimes and thus avoiding jail.

Book-smart and intelligent, good with people as well. Persuasive.

19. What were your character’s deepest disillusions? In life? What are they now?

Used to think she was the only thing her parents could care about until she wasn’t. These days maybe she’s a little unaware of how unhinged she actually is

He has a habit of not trusting anything or anyone outright, he’s the doubting kind who absolutely wants to dig into the very root of everything and see things out of every angle. He also sees the worst sides of a lot of things and people so he really has no disillusions about the world.

He’s just stuck on the thought that he needs to be better. Doesn’t matter what it is, he needs to be smarter, stronger, thinner, a better doctor, a better friend, a better husband, do this, do that, do everything cool, run a marathon, just constantly improve.

20. What were the most deeply impressive political or social, national or international, events that they experienced?

It’s hard to think about big events like that but maybe for Remy when Krea dang near got murdered, because to him the judge is damn near unstoppable and probably immortal, to see him die was pretty eye-opening. Impressive that someone that much smaller could do him in like that

22. Who are their friends? Lovers? ‘Type’ or 'ideal’ partner?

She has some friends she hangs out with when off work, regular people like club waitresses, dancers, bartenders and bouncers. She has a boyfriend or a girlfriend every now and then, usually it ends at least when they find out about her actual job or she just loses her cool like she does. Doesn’t care about the physical side but you gotta be a little crazy for her to like you. Wouldn’t mind a squeeze, casual or not.

Lots and lots of friends he hangs out with often, very few close friends though because he doesn’t trust like that. Lovers he really doesn’t have time for nor does he really care enough to have a type.

Befriends everyone if they allow it, a very friendly and outgoing guy happy to make new acquaintances. He’s been married three times - the first wife he left because he fell in love with the second one who was terminally ill and later passed away, years later he fell in love with Malva and married them. Really no type or preference, be cute and friendly, really the type of guy to fall in love with your heart and personality

29. What is your character’s weaknesses? Hubris? Pride? Controlling?

Addict, easily angered and prone to moodswings, unless she’s been given clear orders on what to do or not to do she can act real irrationally when she lets her feelings lead, messy

Too nosy for his own good, physically tiny, has a billion irons in the fire at the same time and without his trusted helpers would be so lost

Absolute refusal to take it easy

30. Are they holding on to something in the past? Can he or she forgive?

For no good reason thinks her parents outright betrayed her, refuses to forgive. Holds very long grudges against former partners too, none of her breakups have gone well

Made some dreadful mistakes that cost him his tail, will never forgive himself for that

He doesn’t blame his parents at all for making him such an overachiever, though he doesn’t even consider himself that nor does he think it’s anything to blame anyone for or anything to forgive

34. Does your character feel self-righteous? Revengeful? Contemptuous?

In her opinion nobody should ever be mean to her or do things she doesn’t like or she will hurt them

He’s just doing his thing, no need for big words.

He’s kinda vain but doesn’t consider himself better than anyone (just himself). Very chill and nice

36. Do they like to suffer? Like to see other people suffering?

Like, if a guy is harassing some girl at the club she absolutely hates seeing the girl in distress and very gleeful about knocking the guy’s teeth out. Depends on the situation. As for suffering herself... well, she’s never minded a bit of pain in the right circumstances

If they’re bad people then sure, he steals their money and sees them scramble and laughs about it. But he also sees a lot of little people suffering and hates it. Doesn’t want to suffer.

He’s a doctor, absolutely doesn’t want people to suffer. Will do anything to fix up something cosmetic or related to prosthetics that causes his patients pain or other kinds of anguish (though he avoids doing things like unnecessary nose jobs or facelifts, embrace your looks people). Not a fan of suffering himself yet he makes himself do that by doing triathlons

41. Is your character aware of who they are? Strengths? Weaknesses? Idiosyncrasies? Capable of self-irony?

In her eyes she’s a nice person who doesn’t deserve anything bad to be done to her and everyone who’s ever criticised her is wrong and mean. She’s great and pretty and pretty great. At times she will criticize others for doing the same bad things she does, don’t point this out to her or she will get mad

He’s self-aware, he has his little pizza hands in so many soups that he kinda has to have a good sense of self before dealing with so many others.

I guess Iain is always a little separate from the Better Iain he’s always striving to be. There will always be a Better Iain no matter how hard he works

42. What does your character want most? What do they need really badly, compulsively? What are they willing to do, to sacrifice, to obtain?

She just wants money, alcohol, cocaine, new clothes, a soft bed to sleep in, good things to eat, all the nice things, someone to pet her hair and tell her how great she is and maybe top her. Is that so much to ask. She’s would probably toss almost everyone she knows to the wolves to get that

He always wants information and at times goes to insane lengths to get it, but avoids sacrificing or risking too much, no lives are put in danger (or, any lives he cares about at least) or outsiders harmed. Mainly he just uses a shitton of money in bribes and acts as fast as he can to get to the information first

Be the Best he can be, dammit. What is the Best he can be? He doesn’t know, and he doesn’t know to get there

43. Does your character have any secrets? If so, are they holding them back?

Well she’s not super open about her work to anyone except those who know otherwise. Just says she works at the club, doing some peacekeeping.

He knows lots of secrets of other people, but for his own he doesn’t let his mom know what he’s up to bc he knows she’d disapprove and he doesn’t want that

No, he’s an open book.

44. How badly do they want to obtain their life objectives? How do they pursue them?

Her goals are pretty short-term, think “beating this guy into a pulp so I can go back to the club and get absolutely cranked”, or “I want this guy to rail me”, she’ll do whatever’s needed to get it, be it beating someone into a pulp or being cute and batting her eyelashes

He’s careful about learning stuff and things but he does want to learn stuff and things, always working towards doing that and also using the things he’s learned to his advantage

Dude’s a vegetarian gym rat health nut, maybe his methods are very innocent-sounding but he cranks them up to 11

45. Is your character pragmatic? Think first? Responsible? All action? A visionary? Passionate? Quixotic?

Very intense and passionate, acts fast, punches first and asks second if it seems the situation needed it, gets annoyed if she needs to stay back but will listen to her boss.

The type to stand back for a long time, observe from afar and learn everything there is to learn before acting or carefully moving closer to learn more. A lot of the time he doesn’t even act, at most he’ll sell the information to someone who might find it useful.

Responsible but passionate, looks at a lot of things from many angles before going for it and encourages others to do so as well. In work absolutely not the type to just dive into cosmetic surgery to “fix” something that doesn’t need fixing, works with the patient first to see if this is what they really need (he hasn’t had absolutely no procedures himself either).

#i still haven't settled on a sexuality with remy #iain and roxette actually share half of their ancestry #both are half scottish #long oc thing #iain needs to be stopped and thankfully juno and malva both talk sense into him #before he ends up sleeping at the office and eating only raw fruit and hitting the gym as soon as he's off work #roxie: *gets thrown in a cell for the night for beating someone up behind a bar*#also roxie: *crying* 'i'm a good fucking person i don't deserve this'

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lethargicdeceiver · 7 years

Text

i need to vent.

i don’t know what to do. i feel like i won’t be able to take this much lonfer.

it’s been going on for a year now, and i’m just not strong enough.

i’m feeling worse and worse everyday, it’s been almost a year since i last cut but i feel like i may relapse at any moment.

it’s horrible to think how much time has passed, but three years ago, my mental health issues started to manifest itself. abour three years ago, i lived through the worst summer in my life, a horrible period of time when i was literally drowning in selfloathing and textbook depression, and it was also the time i guess i started to slowly realize that my parents are emotionally abusing me. i overcame it, locked it in, and lived through another year hating myself only casually, mostly just surviving, until a year after the first time, it all started to come back, i started selfharming and i also started seeking professional help. but at that time, at least i had so many people around me that loved me, cared about me and were always there to help me.

there were a lot of ups and downs, but the ups were so worth it, and even though i was literally a mess, especially during summer because i wasn’t on antidepressants yet, i had times when i could be genuienly happy. i decided to make this summer way, way better, i met friends, went to conventions, did stuff i loved and tried my best. when i felt like shit and wanted to die, which was often, i had people i could go to. i felt loved. i felt like i belonged.

i went through it all, it started to get better, and i was so happy. i could see it getting better, and even though it was kinda scary and unknown, because i forgot what good were, in the long run, it made me feel so good, and i could push through life and all of it’s hardships, all of the challenges it plus my mental illness put in front of me.

but at this time last year, it all started slowly going to shit again.

yeah, i graduated higschool with mostly no problems. i also lost a lot of friends thanks to it. it’s just not the same when you don’t see each other in the school halls every single day... and especially since i went to another city.

i mean, i really was thinking about staying at home for at least one next year, but i desperately wanted to get away from my parents, and for that, i am super glad i did, because even if they don’t change, at least i don’t need to listen to their bullshit everyday. only on the weekends and holidays.

but with that i also lost the people around.

even if we try to stay in touch, it’s just not the same. there’s a distance. with everyone.

there’s even distance with people i even thought i would get closer to thanks to the circumstances.

and it’s growing, between me and every single person i know, the gap is getting larger and larger.

i grew apart with everyone to the point that i myself can’t believe it.

and i don’t know why it happened, it may have been my fault, it may have been their, it may have happened naturally.

but it’s change. and i hate changes with burning passion.

personally, i never wanted to find new friend in college, and to be completely honest, i still don’t really want to: i would just like for the old ones to come back to the same kind of relationship we used to have. is that too much to ask?

but i didn’t even really find friend in college either, because i am unable to socialize properly. it started okay, then it went to shit, then it seemed okay for a minute too, but now it’s just... i don’t know. lots of people i thought i was gonna become friends with ended their studies, which is also a huge bummer. and generally, the socialization has never been going well, and is never going to go well, now i know, but still, it sucks so much.

so i’m alone, i have a roommate that literally doesn’t talk to me more than “hi” and “bye” (which is funny bcs in czech we even use the same word to greet and say goodbye, so it’s like literally one word we speak, it’s fucking unbeliavable) and at this point, almost no friend, and the few i have left... it’s not enough, it’s not what i would like, and mostly, it’s not what it used to be, and that hurts the most.

i feel extremely disconnected and both alone and lonely.

i don’t feel like there’s any point in living.

i regret everything.

i’m going to be twenty. and i accomplished nothing.

i have stories i want to write, games i want to make, song i want to cover, books i want to read, anime i want to watch, languages i want to read.

and yet, i am doing literally nothing. i feel like i’m just wasting every second of my goddamn life.

i’m getting older, time’s not going backwards, and i am missing opportunities with every second, and i will never even be able to accomplish anything.

i don’t know what i want from life. i always take up some hobby or so, but i always give up. i never finish anything. i don’t have motivation, and i get discouraged super easily. and yet, i would love to do great thing...

but i can’t even handle the fucking school. one, it’s very hard for me as a person. second, it’s very hard for me thanks to my mental illness. thirds, i’m fucking stupid and lazy and procrastinate and keep putting stuff off and then i just sit and cry while still not getting anything done. i don’t even know if they’re going to let me pass this semester, and to be honest, probably not, because it’s miracle that i got through the first one... but i’m not really sure what will i do if that happens.

i’ve watched my life crumble in my hand twice already, when i literally hi my rock bottom. but beside that, i have written a suicide note, i have hurt myself, i went through a lot of despair, i doubled my medication so i could just fall asleep and not think about stuff, i lost a lot of people, i withstood shitton of abuse from my parents, bullying in every school i went to. when i came to college, i had a hard time with taking in how everyone just accepted me as a normal person, as someone equal and not lower or vastly different, because that’s what i’ve been tought to be from all the people around my age.

even though it still all sounds kinda fake to me, i’ve gone through a lot. these two times i consider me hitting my rock bottom, i survived and pushed through, and stuff got better over time.

but that happened already twice, and now, it is supposed to happen for the third time?

i’m feeling worse and worse. it’s not really.. urgent, it’s more like i’m slowly losing my will to live.

i am very good at pretending that i am ok to my family and at school, and somehow even with friends, if i talk to anyone, i guess.

when i get the opportunity i drink myself to the oblivion, and i have been eating like a pig lately. i had a period of time when i got kinda addicted to cigarettes, but it passed and i don’t think will come back because the wonderful eu stopped making other flavors then mint, and i got too used to the sweetness and mildness of the blueberry ones that even the mints make me want to puke now.

but i shouldn’t drink because i take permanent medication, and also because i am starting a diet in a few days, so i also shouldn’t eat a lot, and not the comfort food. and now i don’t even have cigarettes, so how the fuck am i supposed to cope then? you are taking all the joy from my life away, i will have to result to cutting again to at least somehow release all the emotions.

i’m tired, everything pisses me off, and i split left and right, hating everyone, hating life, for not being the way i want, hating myself afterwards.

it’s all just piling up, i’m anxious a lot, but i am starting to get more and more lethargic to everything, and feel more and more dead inside. and i don’t know what to do. i have no idea, i’m lost, no clue what step should i take.

i don’t know if i find all this bullshit worth it.

i lived through the ultimate shit twice already, but the third time? i don’t want to. i’m not strong enough. i’m tired. i can’t handle it again. i won’t be able to survive this, if this continues, and oh if a miracle that i’m waiting for won’t happen, it will continue, because it’s been going on for a fucking year with literally no sign of getting even slightly better.

the moments of happiness are short lived, and getting shorter and shorter, and the cons of being alive are slowly outweighting the pros. it’s not worth going through all of this again, just to see everything fall into pieces and go into shit.

i don’t want to go through it again. i want to end this vicious cycle.

but i don’t know, i guess i’m even lowkey suicidal at this point. i’m mostly just wishing i would get hit by a car or something, rather and actively thinking of ways to kill myself. not saying that doesn’t happen too.

i just want everything to end.

because nothing is perfect and that’s the main problem.

and even though it may seem like i’m trying no blame people or something, it’s not, this is not a guilttrip and i don’t want to call anyone out or any of that bullshit. i’m just saying how the situation is.

tl;dr, from horrible times and complete mess, my life actually started to get better and i was very okay with that, but for the last year it has been only going downhill and i don’t know if i want to go through that cycle again. i may not survive it this time. i don’t know if i want to survive it for this price.

#personal

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