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henrioo · 1 month

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Hey! Could I please request some fluffy scenarios about Shanks X Male and Mihawk X Male Reader (separately if that's okay) who's love languages are physical touch and quality time, but is also struggling with anxiety? Sorry for going on anon, this is my first time ever requesting and I'm a little nervous lol

°•*⁀➷ TOO MUCH LOVE, TOO MANY THOUGHTS : SHANKS AND MIHAWK

꒰ SYNOPSIS ꒱ : You love your partners, you really do, but sometimes those voices inside you gain control over your body, making you withdraw into your own fears and feelings. Good for you that your partners won't give up on having you by their side.

꒰ WARNINGS ꒱ : MALE! READER, M! READER, NOT POLY! The reader can be Trans or Cis, talking about homophobia but nothing happens, a lot of talk about insecurities in a romantic relationship, talk about anxiety and fear

꒰ WC ꒱ : 2,4k at all, 1k for Shanks and 1,4 for Mihawk

꒰ NOTES ꒱ : Hey thanks for this request! It had been some months and I don't have any idea if you are still there but anyway thanks for that, that request is part of the first ask I received when I opened for male reader so this means a lot to me. The ask doesn't talk too much about the insecurities of the reader because I wanted that you guys could imagine your own, here talk more about how they would handle and help you. Enjoy!

★彡 Shanks

It may not seem like it, but the redhead is a master at reading people, all it takes is a few nervous glances and body language and he knows exactly what the problem is.

However, while he knows what the problem is, he is not that good at knowing the best solution for it. Part of him just wants to grab you and say "stop with that and let's just kiss." Luckily he knows that not everyone works like him, so he is able to understand that you may have different limits and such a direct approach can make the situation worse and even push you away from him.

So, firstly, he tries to understand exactly why you are suffering from so much anxiety when it comes to spending time with him and having more physical touch. Are you ashamed or afraid of doing PDA because of prejudiced looks since you are both men? Are you afraid that he will reject you if you show this need for time and affection? Are you publicly ashamed of others? Regardless of what's going through your head, Shanks wants to understand so he can give you truer love.

When he has a little idea or some theories, which he will achieve after observing you a lot in various situations and talking to all the other men on the ship, he will try to talk to you. Of course he will never force you into anything, he just wants to try to understand and maybe ease this weight that you are carrying alone. Even if you just want to scream or ramble without knowing exactly how to express your feelings and anxiety, he wants to be there for you, to show that he is willing to listen to you, understand you, especially validate and support you. He wants you to see that he is there for you in every situation.

Whether you decide to speak or not, the outcome changes very little. The difference being that having talked to you, Shanks will be able to understand you more easily, thus being able to make fewer mistakes in his attempts to help you and make you more comfortable with everything. If you don't decide to talk, he will be forced to make several trials and errors on how to make the environment more favorable for you to feel comfortable and overcome your anxiety, so you can give in to your desires for physical touch and spend more time with him. quietly.

Since you may have anxiety about initiating contact, Shanks will do all the hard work for you. Which, let's be honest, isn't very difficult, the redhead adores you like a loyal servant to a god, he can't keep his hands off you. It may seem funny to others to see a pirate as strong as a stray puppy following you, especially when they discover that Shanks' lover is a man, but what can he do... He is a man completely in love with you .

It's not uncommon for him to go after you, but if he notices your difficulty in initiating contact, he'll go even more after his presence. Every time he is free on the ship he will come after you, suggesting that you play a game, have a snack, talk, dance, sleep, he never runs out of ideas knowing that coming up first with a goal can make you calmer since you will just need to go with the flow and not think about everything on your own.

With physical touch, the difference is that he will pay extra attention to your comfort, it is normal that every time you are on land he is glued to your side. Holding hands or a hand around his waist practically hugging you, he just doesn't want to let go of you. In bars or any other establishment he would like to sit next to you, he would never put you on his lap, wishing that this choice came from you first. Shanks doesn't want you to feel humiliated or insulted by him wanting you on his lap, especially if you're nervous about showing affection publicly because you're both men.

But that doesn't stop him from having some physical contact, when his hand isn't occupied he'll put it on your thigh or your hand on the table, if he's drinking he'll leave his foot close to yours or even leave his foot close to yours. His leg pressed against yours. Even if it's small touches, he wants to show you that he wants to touch you just as much as you want to touch him. On the ship things are easier, he can simply hide the two of you in your shared room, thus avoiding the teasing of your crewmates and also having a little more privacy.

In the end he will just try to demonstrate that he wants your touch and attention as much as you do. He knows that actions can be stronger than words and he firmly believes that, so he will always be by your side to show you that he would never turn down spending time with you or having a make-out session. You are his boyfriend, after all! The man he loves and would do anything to see smile, he could never get tired of you.

Shanks' greatest happiness will be seeing you slowly loosen up and work on your anxiety better. When you start spending time together or touching, he will be celebrating inside. In the end, he just wants your attention and for you to show how much you love him, so he will never refuse if you want to spend time together. And even if it takes a while, even if you don't touch him for months, even if you need to talk a lot until you feel more confident, he doesn't mind at all. You are the one he loves and he would do anything for you, no effort is too much, you are worth everything he has to face and suffer, and he will accept it with a smile on his face.

If you think Shanks is easy to notice his difficulties then it only takes Mihawk an instant to notice something wrong. The difference is that the redhead will consider that some of the reasons for your anxiety could be external stimuli such as other people, reputation, shame or fear... Mihawk is a little more insecure at this point.

★彡Mihawk

His early theories for your anxiety and difficulty having quality time and physical touch with him is that the culprit is, well... Him. Are you no longer in love with him? Don't you feel comfortable? Not attracted? Is he not that interesting of a person to spend time with or is he not good at physical touch? It doesn't matter, he would initially think that it must be something he did that caused his estrangement.

He would have a few moments alone to consider everything, perhaps you no longer enjoy being in that castle without anyone's company but his. When he manages to calm his mind and open himself to any possibility, whether good or bad, he finally decides to talk to you. Luckily, Mihawk is extremely verbally expressive and is very good at communicating, so even if you were just rambling and getting lost in your own words, he will be able to understand you or even help you with how to express yourself better.

The conversation may seem a little suffocating due to Mihawk's firm gaze, but you've been his lover for long enough that he only pays attention to you like that. Furthermore, you can see a worried touch and even a loving look if you pay close attention to the way he looks at you.

Other than that, he is extremely patient with you, he will listen to you for as long as necessary and will only speak if you allow it and feel comfortable discussing it at that moment. Then he will try to analyze the entire situation to better understand your fears, insecurity, anything that is making you anxious and pushing you away from him. He will never judge any of your motives or tell you they are silly, no matter if you were just shy, if you were nervous about appearing clingy, if you were too nervous about his beauty? It doesn't make any difference why, if it bothers you in some way, then it's totally important and valid for him.

And just as he doesn't care about the reasons, he also doesn't care about the solutions to help you with your problems. He loves you with all the depth and loyalty he could have, so he is also willing to give his blood and sweat for the good of your relationship. For Mihawk it's more than fair for both lovers to make an effort, especially when one of them is in trouble, so not for a second does he think of you or this whole situation as a burden. He loves you and you love him, you are partners, you are the man he chose to spend the rest of his life with, if he doesn't make the slightest effort in trying to keep the relationship on good terms then he doesn't deserve you. That's why he will always do his best.

After that he will try to make everything easier for you, he might give you a few peaceful days without looking for contact, wanting you to breathe before facing your problems. After that he will begin his plan to slowly make you approach him again and feel comfortable coming to him whenever you want... And well, maybe he will be much happier when he can finally touch you again and spend time with you. , it may not seem like it, but Mihawk also really wants your company and the idea of being without it makes him extremely moody.

He will initially try to recapture the moments together, quality time is easier for Mihawk and he thinks that starting with that is the best way for the two of you to get closer again, after all you wouldn't be forced into any touching if you weren't already completely safe. Then he will reminisce about some of the activities you used to enjoy doing together, be it reading in each other's company during a calm evening, the sound of the fireplace and the birds outside providing a more peaceful environment for you to relax your mind and let go of the anxiety. go away. He will also invite you to garden together. If you don't like getting dirty he will just talk to you and ask for your help. That doesn't make you put your hands in the dirt. However, if you like it, he will be very happy to teach you or listen to his teachings. He will work in the garden while you talk about where you could use those vegetables. If you want, he can also help you make a flower garden or plant anything else you like.

He will also love your company in the kitchen, he may use the excuse of testing new recipes to include you more, maybe he will even try to make something that you like to eat from another island. If you cook, like it or want to learn, he doesn't mind your help either, as long as you are happy and coming out of your shell, forgetting your anxiety and allowing yourself to be comfortable and doing what you love again, he is satisfied. Also, he may start trying to initiate physical touches, if you are a swordsman he will love some sparring sessions with you, although he won't go easy on you. After all, you are a man and a worthy opponent, you can notice that his movements are much more sensual and loving, it is as if he is trying to seduce you, win you over again and using all his body language in favor of this.

If you don't fight or don't want to learn, although Mihawk would love to teach you, he can still think of other activities with physical touch. His favorite is dancing. You will find him the most patient and dedicated partner possible, if you understand dancing he will even let you guide, moving and handling his body as you wish. Furthermore, he could even go into activities outside of his standard if that could help him relax and be calmer with touch. Trying on clothes? You have Dracule's entire wardrobe at your disposal, luckily you are both men so this part is easier. Messing with hair? Of course, go ahead and touch his black hair, if you have longer hair he will enjoy learning how to style it or take care of it.

Other than that, once he notices you getting more comfortable, he'll go back to the subtle physical touches. Mihawk is not the type of lover who devours you in public, but you will always find his hand on your back, either guiding you or just making it clear that he is there. He will also offer his hand to help you get up or down from places, a hand on your shoulder or arm if you are in a situation where he wants to make it obvious that he has you and that he won't let anything bad happen.

He doesn't like more sensual touches in public, so in the privacy of four walls you will have more of that, light touches on your neck or your thigh, but they still won't be perverted touches, just a more romantic and deep touch, something he wants to keep for your eyes only.

Mihawk is a lover who is slower to deal with his anxiety, he in no way wants you to feel pressured, so he will wait with open arms when you are ready to regain intimacy. He'd also hate for you to feel like you're obligated to have this kind of intimacy with him, so he also doesn't mind if you don't like the closeness. In the end the truth is just unique, in Mihawk's eyes you are the perfect man, if you don't like so much intimacy and touching he is satisfied with that, if you like touching and want to be with him 24/7 he will too be more than satisfied. He needs you, everything you give him will be a gift. Therefore, even though he seems like a stoic and even cold man, Mihawk would never deny or be ashamed of your touch, you are the only one who can do whatever you want and he will never be bothered by it.

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sluttykeoghan · 4 months

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i have been seeing people saying that oliver’s endgame was ALWAYS saltburn, i’m sorry but this is just not true.

oliver’s immediate endgame was felix. he wanted saltburn AFTER he arrived there. but he wanted felix with him as well. he wanted both.

he started making his way though the family. reading their behavior and then manipulating them based off what he was able to gauge from their personalities. he would then manipulate them individually in the best tactic he saw fit. he did this with the goal of guaranteeing himself a spot in saltburn.

oliver killed felix for 2 reasons: felix rejected him (which was his biggest fear) and felix threatened the place he made for himself at saltburn, so even though he was in love with him, felix was a threat to him, and he made his choice.

he never initiated anything intimate with felix because he couldn’t handle the mere idea of felix rejecting him. he definitely had an all consuming love or infatuation of sorts for felix. that much is obvious. the entire movie is kind of in oliver’s gaze. he truly sees felix as a god. or something as otherworldly. felix, i think, was the ONLY person that oliver would’ve given his control over to, because he saw felix as an angel, a god.

oliver would’ve worshipped felix the same way a dog worships their owner.

oliver doesn’t know how to love properly, so he does fall in love with objects and ideas. and uses people as pawns. felix was a pawn for him in the sense that he was his ticket into saltburn. this is why he messed with venetia and farleigh. they, along with elsbeth were his backup plans.

oliver has always wanted power, control, dominance, money, etc. but it was clear from the beginning that he has also always craved intimate connection with someone, he never got over felix, and he never will.

felix served the part of oliver that yearned for connection. saltburn fulfilled his want for money, power, control, etc.

someone like oliver isn’t capable of healthy love and relationships. so yes, he loved felix but it makes complete sense that he hated him too. oliver craves love and attention, but he is simply not made for it. and he realizes this. so, choosing a life of rich solitude would be better than a life with felix.

oliver is just incapable of connecting with other human beings. all of his relationships are acts. they are superficial. in saltburn, he doesn’t have to perform all the time. he’s happier this way.

#saltburn #oliver quick #felix catton #jacob elordi #barry keoghan #farleigh start

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buckybarnesss · 7 months

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Something that frustrates me is that Theo can full transform into a wolf and it’s never talked about. Like how is it a big enlightenment thing for the Hales and then the evil 17 year old test tube were-creature can just do it casually and he doesn’t even USE IT FOR ANYTHING

lol fucking theo.

okay.

here we go.

i can understand how this would be frustrating and yeah it kind of is but the thing about theo is that narratively he's a derek mirror.

especially for scott and stiles.

read more because i had thoughts on this subject.

for the two of them, derek has always been there. it started with the three of them and for the type of shit they dealt with on a regular basis derek being there was comforting. even when they were actively being deeply annoyed by him because derek was safe to them in so many ways that i think that like a lot of teenagers they took for granted that he'd always be around because it's derek.

than he wasn't.

and argent left too.

it's the moment where the paradigm shifts and says "you're on your own kids".

it really pulled a rug out from under the two of them.

derek's departure at the end of season 4 in smoke and mirrors was so significant but also understated. i think people really do dismiss the amount of growth that occurred in the derek and scott relationship. fandom gets so hung up on their antagonism in seasons 1 and 2 they don't look much deeper for why they were like that and sort of ignore that season 3 spends a lot of time showing them moving away from that.

stiles and derek are more difficult to parse for some. their relationship whether you ship it or not is mostly in subtext. stiles is fucking attached by season 4.

stiles fears change. it's a huge part of his season 5 and 6a arcs. it terrifies him to lose people he cares about or have his relationship with them change.

i think it's important to remember that in smoke and mirrors, derek is all but dying in front of stiles. he's bleeding out. it doesn't look good. no one knows the dumbass is gonna evolve or whatever werewolf magic he pulled out his ass. he is dying and his last words to stiles are to go save scott.

this is after a season of where derek's been messed with magically by kate, where he's been losing his werewolf powers and lydia predicted his death.

when derek's lying there bleeding out stiles hesitates. twice.

he gets more focus than peter or braeden does in this moment. the focus is derek and stiles. we get like six close up shots of stiles being deeply affected by this and by affected i mean fucked up.

sure, derek doesn't end up actually dying but he leaves with braeden. we have no idea if they've really spoken all that much in the in-between.

stiles's face as they watch derek and argent leave does not give the vibe that he has had closure.

derek being unable to give stiles a proper goodbye is a whole other post.

it's really significant that derek leaving unmoors stiles emotionally even months later and that scott recognizes it. we are shown stiles getting sentimental and gooey over the initials d.h for a reason in creatures of the night. he misses derek.

why all this background when this post is about theo? it's because derek's absence in season 5 is glaring and tangible. it's an unsaid thing that theo is able to take advantage of.

it's a compare and contrast but sort of in opposite directions for stiles and scott.

both derek and theo grew up in beacon hills but left for a period of time before returning.

derek is immediately recognized by stiles and theo is recognized by scott.

both are accused of killing their sister. derek didn't kill laura but theo did kill tara.

derek is a born werewolf who earns his full shift which is an inherited rare gift whereas theo is a chimera artificially created by the dread doctors.

derek rejects the influence of peter and duecalion whereas theo is a tool of the dread doctors.

derek's desperation in building a pack and losing them versus theo's desperation to build a pack and killing them himself using deucalion's teachings about taking power.

derek wanting to kill lydia because he thought she was the kanima versus theo wanting lydia because he wanted her knowledge and she was the key to the hellhound

scott wanting to trust theo is an obvious course correction of how he mistrusted derek in the beginning and how he misses the connection he had with derek.

scott's just desperate for something to work out.

stiles's mistrust of theo is in contrast of how he trusted derek despite scott's insistence that derek wasn't trust worthy.

it also highlights that stiles's is on edge. he cannot afford to trust someone. not again. he cannot let another person close.

which brings us to parasomnia and the benefit of a doubt conversation.

there's a lot happening with stiles and scott during season 5. there's nogitsune fall out, them growing up and the pain that comes with it but also how stiles's behavior is increasingly paranoid and irritable. it's why theo is able to take such advantage.

but i think on some level scott misunderstands that stiles never really distrusted derek the same way he did.

stiles: "yes. okay? we followed him out here. what do you want me to say? that i'm a stalker? huh? that i'm crazy? totally paranoid? none of this is new information!" scott: "now you're gonna try to at least give him the benefit of the doubt?" stiles: "i give people benefit of the doubt! i've given a lot of benefit to a lot of people." scott: "like derek? ...kira? ...liam?"

i can not post scott's face when he's about to bring up derek to stiles.

scott may not know all the details, he may not understand them but what he does understand is derek leaving has stiles fucked up and bringing him up is going to poke at sore spot. bringing up derek was his entire point. adding kira and liam weren't the important part of this segment of conversation. i don't even think stiles ever mistrusted kira prior to when she begins to lose control of her fox.

scott is trying to appeal to stiles's derek feels and stiles just ends up super mad about it.

so to me in the end, a lot of scott and stiles's whole theo issue was really about derek.

(here's how i can make everything about derek hale lol).

theo being able to shift really was only to compare him to derek lol and who knows if he can even still accomplish this after he was returned from hell. he kind of went back to factory settings. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

tl;dr season 5 theo is derek-lite.

#my blog #thoughts on teen wolf #teen wolf #theo raeken #sterek #just in case

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tomyo · 10 months

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Nimona and a Decade of the Queer Experience

To me one of the most anticipated aspects of the Nimona adaptation was to see how they changed the a lot of the queer themes from the original comic. Nimona was created in a time where it was still taboo to represent same sex relationships in anything trying to be marketable into an era where it is so commonplace that Nimona would have seemed regressive if it stayed true to the material.

Naturally the way Blackheart and Goldenloin are portrayed has greatly changed but also has a lot of the message from the original. Nimona is now about the trans experience.

This isn't to say transness was never at the core of Nimona but I don't think even baby nonbinary me would have been able to connect it directly to that.

Nimona the comic, to me, deals with similar but different issues from Nimona the movie. The comic was a story of trying to upheave an untrustworthy militarized state through the initially goofy lens of a budding father daughter relationship that ultimately fails.

Blackheart at the start of the comic already is trying to defy the government and Nimona seeks him out because he's actually playing the role of the villain already. She herself felt like this mix of female and queer rage. It made believe somewhat in the idea that the little girl by the end of the story was truly her who had once tried to do better for her home and was rejected for becoming something *different*. Overall you can feel more presently that deafening dread that Blackheart and Goldenloin love each other and acknowledging that would ruin both of their lives. This is moreso due to that whole conflict of their ideologies and sides they are on interfering but the metaphor is there. We could read this easily as Blackheart being out of the closet and at odds with society where Goldenloin on in the closet and working on the name of oppression. By showing Blackheart looking visibly like a villain it harkens back to the queer coding of Disney villains and a feeling a lot of queer people had to experience at that time, being an enemy to the public simply for existing. Coming back to Nimona, she's the perfect example of a trans masc egg experience; punk in a way that isn't fully certain in embracing or trashing anything feminine. Not fully androgynous but butchy and an unfocused anger at everything around them. I can never speak for the entirety of the trans experience but I know the feeling being born in an afab body and violently hating the society that I want badly to accept me, the way we insist that we intend to fully express our being while also creating this weird mix of unconvincing conformity. Again I laugh so much at her design elements; shaved head, tomboyish in chainmail but with curves, and short dresses, and impractical belts. Her actions also read as someone who's greatest sore point is loss of her bodily autonomy which ultimately she's subjected to during the climax. The monster/power of Nimona to me tends to ultimately mirror more of an emotional state rather than transness itself. Both version of Nimona have people see it as something Nimona is inflicted with rather than a part of her existence as she reveals at the end. Even Blackheart believe he can cure her of it with the equivalence of a procedure or medication but it's because he only perceives Nimona as the little girl and not the little girl as a part of the whole that is the dragon. I think there is a lot of things we can read into the dragon being and even at the idea that queerness is something people seek to cure that doesn't need one in the first place. And ultimately that's why the story ends on the somber tone it does, the biggest focus of the story was how Blackheart became the parent to Nimona and misguidedly tried to 'fix' her. And like a lot of people, especially for the time period, Nimona had to leave behind the family and society that couldn't accept her as her.

And so we move forward through the years.

Media is not made in a vacuum, Nimona the comic is a critique of early 2010s ideologies and maybe doesn't even worry about them as serious in a pre 2016 world. Nimona 2023 however exists on the other side of that threshold. Like I said, I don't think the original comic was consciously trans mostly because the zeitgeist wasn't conscious of transness. 2012-2014 (the comic's creation period) encapsulated me personally going from no aware knowledge of gender to confusion at learning my friend's pronouns to fully identifying as nonbinary in a world few people knew what that meant. But not long after that we had Korra's ending, the reveal of Ruby and Sapphire, Kaitlynn Jenner, Menanists, and then the nightmare of the 2016 election and all that came with it. The truth is a contradiction occurred; queerness became a part of the in group so long as it followed the rules of heteronormativity. I think it is fair to say a lot of queer people became more eeeh conservative for lack of better terms. For once we finally had a chance to be out and so long as we followed the conditions set out, exist well. We can live comfortably, why rock the boat? In other words, respectability politics. We are then at odds with those who believe we should keep complacent for fear of being rejected.

That brings us to Nimona the movie.

Blackheart no longer is the guerilla activist he once was, we now are introduced to him as a part of the system; specifically the model minority. Movies only have so much time for you to build understanding of it's world themes and ideas and so it tends to need to be more punchy with getting the point across otherwise become less coherent. So rather on the nose "Knighting a non noble is against god" as very flatly stated in the begging. Since the time of the comic, being gay has been normalized and we now see Blackheart and Goldenloin start out as a couple (to be frank I couldn't fully tell if they were official or not but they were all but in writing together) and by in universe logic, Goldenloin is the golden child pastor's son with divisively accepted boyfriend. Blackheart is an inspiration for his common men while his noble classmates are disgusted at the idea of him being allowed the same rights as them, essentially being allowed to be an policeman. It's his role as the model minority that he still believes the system is right when he is framed for murder; it is the one bad actor who's at fault despite a whole society shunning him with little reasoning needed.

Nimona in the other hand is a bit more in control of the relationship. Nimona of the comic latched onto a spurned man who was more methodical than she was in her work but Nimona of the movie is pretty much what pushes Blackheart into the image of a villain. Movie Nimona's goal is more or less to find community and for reasons we will get to only believes she can find it with other cast aside from society. She is jaded enough to know that Blackheart will continue to be labeled as the way they do to her. This time the shape shifting is explicitly trans; Nimona now is no longer worried about experimentation or trying to be cured but of being called a monster, the fear of her, and eradication; words I feel like I've heard too much in lgbt spaces lately. She talks about wanting her own demise with her heard turned down and eyes somber in moments that hit too close to home. She is a worn down warrior for her own existence. On safer grounds with Blackheart she more wittingly challenges his transphobia. Blackheart cannot perceive her out of the binary that she is default a girl and her transformations are something else, he asks if her transitions hurt, and he tries to convince her to blend in with others for his own comfort. As he spends more time with her, he's able to view the world he was taught differently and doesn't view the less pretty sides of Nimona as scary. However, programming is hard to free yourself out of.

The Director is by definition, conservative. She believes is a religious like text that society should not change unless it all falls a part. Her belief in this runs so deep that she easily is willing to kill pseudo religious figures as her personal code of morals override any actual logic in faith(anyone remember how magas talk about Trump as being sent by God while also disavowing him for encouraging vaccinations?). Her rhetoric that non nobles with be a societal slip eminates classism and racism (commoner is somewhat of a race allegory). She denies her own words to hold power, criticizes Nimona of whispering deceipt into blackhearts ear while actually being the one doing so to Goldenloin, and justifies her actions through holy scripts. She holds a stern belief in cleansing the society of it's demons down to intending to kill a large part of her society to rid it of the tran metaphor Nimona is. She is the quintessential conservative power so bent on it staying that way that she will destroy everything in spite of any logic to why it's right. Goldenloin, as the champion of the institution, a head cop if you will, looks upon the chaos learning the director's intent to kill thousands and says "what are we doing here?" A lot of institutions (aah there's the naming for you) in our country are like this. I think to some like, there are people who entered religion or became a police officer because they wanted to do good. But the rhetoric in these spaces can skew that perspective exponentially. Some with better access out may find that point of "What are we doing her" The moment the logic of the system no longer makes sense. I would love to talk more a lot this an the comic institution at a later point.

Back to Nimona and the queer identity.

Nimona was searching for a group to accept her, changing her appearance to fit in. She thinks she has it with Gloreth until Gloreth is taught that Nimona's existence was monstrous and rejects her as well. The scene of the villagers attacking her is poinient as well; they endanger and threaten her with violence (which would likely have been more explicit if not for kids) and she first turns to something weaker to escape but they refuse and so she is forced to turn to something bigger ane vicious in order to live but it only sets up the narrative that there is a reason to fear her when she didnt attack first, she simply had to protect herself. Nimona in the present is ready for her death, the narrative so out of control that it breaks her.

Blackheart is able to bring her back from the brink by doing the important thing of truly apologizing, have humility for his mistrust and bigotry, and offer her support on equal terms. Nimona this time does not flee her friend that failed her but sacrifice herself for the hope of a better future beyond the walls.

The final part to mention; the walls. The walls are mad out as a big deal in this. No one leaves beyond them and the one small town of Gloreth fills to a big capitalist tech dystopia that markets dragons as both cute mascots and something to eradicate to as young as children. Society is a small shoebox not allowed to even see beyond the walls; see a new potential of this world. Simply put, the beyond is the beyond of heteronormative society. Even as society has become more accepting of LGBT identities, it has only liked to consume it in an easily interpreted manor. There are a lot of even just fringe identities that used to get lambasted for being weird simply for existing, trying to apply those same rules within their spaces as they've become socially acceptable. For every push forward we make, there is still presentation and identity that will get ostracized for being out of the box. We create these walls and only build them out further every so often rather than knocking them down. If there is anything to take from Nimona it's to embrace the beyond.

Morning edit; Hiii thank you for reading all of this. I kinda furiously typed this after watching the movie last night and there are certainly some flaws for it. Towards the end you can see a lot of typos because I was literally falling asleep and there are definitely some concepts I would've liked to flesh out better but kinda glossed over to focus on what the stories were saying about Nimona specifically. I think if anything, I'd want to reexamine Blackheart in both stories because I honestly forgot a lot of his actions in the comic, same with the institution because it took a while to even remember about the Director being a character from the comic. To be real, there's some really specific events on where Nimona was made that tend to hit me pretty hard so I rushed through the comic when I read it last year. I might try to take me time now because Nimona is so meaningful. I even want to talk about how it made sense Disney tried to shut it down (I'm certain there's a lot of business reasons but I don't think it was compatible with the Disney brand). For all the ways we have queer stories, I don't think we see a lot of trans stories yet. I'm hoping the series like Dead End Paranormal Park and Nimona are the start of a new era that focally represent that.

#nimona

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zorasthoughts · 2 months

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narratives in the a good girl's guide murder trilogy

i should be writing my dissertation, but instead i'm writing this. i was rereading good girl, bad blood recently and thinking about how narratives were a major theme in that book, but then i thought about it some more and i was like, oh, they're actually in all the books. they're everywhere. major spoilers for all three books under the cut.

a good girl's guide to murder: first of all, there's the fact that at the start of the first book, the first thing we read is that pip's project is supposedly going to investigate media narratives in missing persons cases, and we do get a look at different narratives, especially surrounding sal.

pip interviews max hastings and elliot ward, two people who try to discourage her investigation and promote the accepted narrative, but they do both acknowledge that it doesn't align with the sal that they knew. there's also stanely forbes, who pip calls out for being racist and vitriolic towards sal and his family in the news.

as well as the negative acounts though, there are more positive accounts from people about sal being friendly and kind. naomi ward knows that sal couldn't have been responsible for andie's death, and although she doesn't initially tell pip why, she entirely rejects the idea that he could be a killer. when nat da silva meets ravi, she tells him that she remembers sal offering to help her at lunch with schoolwork. when ravi asks pip why she's so invested in the project, she tells him her memories of sal, a big brother figure who taught her how to flip pancakes and let her and cara watch a 15 movie when they were 12, who scared off her bullies and gave her a kitkat to cheer her up. pip says that to her, sal was a hero. finally, at the end of the book, there's the moment when pip invites ravi on stage to talk about his brother, to rewrite the narrative.

on the flip side, we learn that andie didn't fit the golden-girl narrative that she was given. yes, she was pretty and popular, but she sold drugs, she was emotionally manipulative and mean to her closest friends and younger sister, and bullied classmates (nat). more on andie later.

good girl, bad blood: the beauty of the agggtm trilogy is the way the themes continue to develop with each book. narratives are everywhere in this book. pip releases a podcast about the andie/sal case because all the news and media outlets were reporting on it with certain angles, to fit their own narratives. we learn max hastings is on trial, and has been presenting himself in court with suits, handsome/messy hair, and glasses, and that his mother talked about him having leukemia as a child, to create a sympathetic narrative.

when jamie reynolds goes missing, pip does another season of the podcast to help connor and his family find him, but it proves difficult, and she gets accused of orchestrating the disappearance, since connor is one of her friends. by unfortunate coincidence, an article speculating about pip faking it all comes out around the time that max hastings is declared innocent, which doubles down on the idea that what pip is saying is not the truth.

we learn that what leads to jamie's disappearance is connected to "layla mead" and the narrative that jamie believed: that she was sick, had a controlling father, etc. and need his help.

now, the main thing that i'd been thinking about that started this whole post: charlie green, child brunswick, and pip. for charlie green, stanley forbes (child brunswick) caused his sister's death, broke up his family, is responsible for every hardship that befell him. for charlie green, stanley/child brunswick is a monster that's been haunting him since childhood.

pip, however, is able to see that stanley himself was also a child, who had been forced to do the things he did. charlie green can't see that though, and shoots stanley, causing a death that will haunt another young person for the rest of their life.

stanley was always a monster in the story of charlie's life, but in his quest for revenge, charlie became a monster in the story of pip's life.

at the funeral, pip tries to eulogise stanley, saying that he did his best to protect pip, even while his life was being threatened. she doesn't get to finish though, because a crowd of angry locals come by to protest against stanley's burial in little kilton, including people that had known and been friends with him. stanley's life (and, in this context i'm talking about the person who lived with the identity of stanley forbes, the guy who was trying to be better) is overshadowed by his death, and the revelation of his youth as child brunswick. in the aftermath, jamie comforts pip, sharing his own memories of stanley, who was scared after jamie attacked him, but tried to be kind anyway.

as good as dead: a tough time to be pippa fitz-amobi. the narratives are against her now: max is suing pip for libel after she made a post online that contradicts the jury and their ruling that max is innocent. people online, and in her town, have turned against her after the events of good girl, bad blood, specifically because of her sympathy towards the deceased stanley forbes. oh, and she has a stalker, except the police don't believe her: di hawkins chalks everything up to pip's trauma (and yes, she does have a shedload of trauma, but he dismissed her way too easily).

pip's research, which puts her on the trail of the dt killer, brings forth new revelations. she meets with harriet hunter, the younger sister of one of the dt killer's victims, who tells pip that she knew andie bell, and describes andie as being kind and sympathetic, and above all, a true friend. after their meeting, pip gets into andie's secret email account that andie used to contact harriet secretly, and we get to read her unsent email, which reveals that andie knew who the dt killer was, and how scared she was, and how much she was determined to protect becca. a far cry from the figure of the mean-girl bully that we had in the first book. (andie is a complex character, but i'm not getting into all of that here because this post is about narratives.)

after pip murders the dt killer (jason bell), she then masterminds her way out by creating alibis for herself and everyone who helps her. how? she reframes the narrative, of course. manipulates the time of death so that it seems later, so that at the supposed time of death, pip, ravi, and all their friends are out in public places, then plants a trail of fake evidence to frame max. when the news comes out about jason bell's murder, pip takes control of the narrative again by announcing that she's going to investigate it on her podcast (a podcast she started because she disappeared with other people's narratives), and nudging the police in the direction that she wants them to follow.

wow, this was long. i'd probably find even more to talk about if i left it long enough, but i'm going to wrap up here. will probably be making more, extremely long literary analysis posts about this series, because holly jackson is a genius and i will never be done talking about her.

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morally-grey-girlbosses · 7 months

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Alright, I've finished looking into the Mordred situation. The TL;DR is that Mordred (Fate) has been disqualified from the tournament moving forward.

My initial reasoning in allowing characters from across the gender spectrum (i.e. Chara, Nimona, Perihelion/ART) was that "girlboss" is a term some nonbinary and male individuals have applied to themselves, or had applied to them by others that they then accepted. Gender experiences are broad and characters who fail to see themselves as "girls" may still be comfortable seeing themselves as "girlbosses." (Similarly, there are many people who embrace being a girl but reject being a woman, or vice-versa - one of my headmates is among these.

However, the parts of Mordred's story that are commonly read as trans or gender-nonconforming elements seem to reject the idea that "girlboss" is an appropriate label for him. For those unfamiliar with the Fate franchise, here are the bullet points. (Note that I myself am not a Fate fan, so any Fate fans in the audience, correct me if I'm wrong on any of these or missed important points.)

Mordred's description in his Saber form uses he/him pronouns for him in multiple places.

Mordred's description in his Saber form explicitly states that "treating him as a woman" will activate his rage (as will "being too obvious about treating him as a man.")

In the original Japanese, Mordred uses a set of first-person pronouns that, while not explicitly gendered, are usually associated with a masculine adult.

There are multiple instances where Mordred snaps and makes violent threats at other characters for referring to him as a "girl" or "woman."

For the sake of balance, I'll also note the following points against the idea of a transmasculine Mordred:

Mordred's description in Rider form uses she/her pronouns for her, as well as stating (in one translation) that she is avoiding grappling with her identity issues in order to enjoy her time at the beach.

Mordred is listed by the game explicitly in multiple places as being female. Contrast this to other canonically trans or gender nonconforming characters in the franchise, such as the nonbinary-coded Astolfo (whose gender is omitted "at their request") and the canonically transfeminine Leonardo Da Vinci (whose gender is listed as "young girl.")

Other characters use she/her pronouns for Mordred frequently.

I have chosen to exclude Mordred from this tournament because most of the points that support his masculine identity deal with his own image of masculinity, and what terms he self-applies, whereas the points against are generally based in his relationship to others and the frameworks that they put upon him.

In practical terms, this means that Nana Daiba (Revue Starlight) is automatically the winner of Round 1 Match 86 and advancing to the next round regardless of the results of the vote. The loser of Round 1 Match 85, Odin (The Bifrost Incident) vs. Enma Ai (Jigoku Shoujo) will automatically win her first match in the loser's bracket, as there is no longer a loser from Round 1 Match 86 for her to battle. Apologies to the fans of Mordred who read his character as feminine and were rooting for her in this poll. Despite my making this decision, I do not endorse any unkindness to the submitter of Mordred, or those who voted for him.

Finally, I would like to apologize to any transgender or gender nonconforming fans of this poll who were offended by Mordred's inclusion in this poll or felt that it made the poll an unsafe or unaccepting place for them. I was not made aware of the complications surrounding this character's gender prior to the tournament, and had I known I would likely have excluded him on similar grounds. As a plural system in which many members are trans, I hope you will be able to forgive and trust us for this error in judgement and recognize that we are doing our best to moderate a poll involving many franchises with which we are not ourselves familiar. It is never our intention to erase the experiences of any transgender individual or invalidate any transgender representation with which those people identify.

#important #mordred fate #mordred fgo

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objection-zero · 1 year

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I’m having Gavin Family brain rot so here are my parent designs!

If you want to read me psychoanalyzing the whole family, see below :3

Starting with Katrin, my idea was that her personality largely resembles Kristoph’s. Working with the assumption that Kristoph has antisocial personality disorder, we know that susceptibility for the disorder passes through the maternal genes. I don’t think that either Katrin or Kristoph would be born with antisocial personality disorder. Both are victims of intergenerational cycles of abuse, which cause them to develop the disorder as a response to the trauma they received.

It is worth pointing out that antisocial personality disorder is a spectrum, as are all mental disorders, and ASPD does not make a person abusive, however, it will influence the way an abusive person abuses. In the case of these two, both are prone to manipulation. Katrin leans towards emotional manipulation, Kristoph leans more towards gaslighting and psychological abuse.

For those wondering, even though the terms are outdated and no longer used due to societal stigma, in a court of law both Katrin and Kristoph’s ASPD would be referred to as sociopathy; both would be considered sociopaths. However, the terms psychopath and sociopath overlap a lot and neither Kristoph or Katrin neatly fit under one or the other.

I also like to think that she has obsessive-compulsive disorder, although the symptoms lessened when she began to develop ASPD. I headcanon both of the two Gavin brothers as having OCD and I think their mother would be the genetic link for that.

Meanwhile, for Karsten, he was raised by very well known and praised defense attorneys, both of whom were demanding. He was raised very traditionally, however not necessarily religiously. Due to these beliefs, he was expected to carry on the Gavin family legacy despite the fact that he had no interest of having a family of his own or working in the field of law. After meeting Katrin, the two decided it would be most convenient for both of them to be married. Katrin, with the newfound status of being a Gavin, was able to quickly climb the corporate ladder and acquired her CEO position. Karsten began working for the company in the wake of his wife’s success.

The dude is very autistic, but refuses to get tested at all, rejects the entire notion. When his children began displaying signs of mental illness he purposefully ignored the signs and became more heavy handed. I like to think his special interest is something entirely out of character like makeup, or nail art.

In my personal opinion, Klavier shows a lot of the signs of autism, although that may be projection. I think that Karsten would not like Klavier in the slightest, especially because he sees a lot of his own symptoms in Klavier and thus he will never be able to live up to his standards.

Similar to what a lot of people in the fandom headcanon for the Gavin family, I believe that Kristoph would have been the primary caretaker for Klavier, despite both parents being present in their lives. I think that Kristoph initially moved to the United States to separate himself from his parents, and that Klavier followed suit not too long after.

#ace attorney #aa #klavier gavin #kristoph gavin #Gavin parents #aa fanart #aa4 #let’s be real here #they’re all mentally ill #objection-zero

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drdemonprince · 1 year

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hi, i was following the discussion around the ask regarding the “top shortage” article, and i’m honestly a prime example of the issue at hand; i don’t think i’ve ever initiated a successful interaction and thus far my sexual history has relied entirely on being approached by others.

there’s some garden variety fear of rejection (the mortifying ordeal of being known and all that) and some autism at play but what i find interesting and have been completely unable to unpack, is that i am in fact a quite effective communicator if i come across someone else who is also able to communicate well. the greatest hurdle in my experience is that trying to state my needs, ask for what i want, and solicit the same from the other person if they are not operating on a very high level of communication and transparency feels like swimming upstream through molasses. i simply don’t know how to navigate what feels like interrogating the other person just trying to small talk because they’re giving me single sentence answers with no elaboration on any discussion topic

you stated as a contrapoint to the idea of a top shortage that in your experience regardless of what community or sub-community you’re in “[when i make] any active attempt [] i’m drowning in options” . i’m understandably envious of this. really what i’m asking is what is the anatomy of an “active attempt”? is there a bullet list or perhaps a flow chart for how to guide the interaction towards the kind of discussion actually leads to getting laid?

So first, I'll say that while communication is always an interplay between at least two people and it must be responsive and dynamic (and if one can't communicate with a variety of types of people, one is not a good communicator) -- you can't squeeze water from a stone. There are many bad communicators online and in the kink and dating scenes, and if you find someone is sending the dryest possible texts imaginable and not giving you anything to work with, it's usually time to cut your losses and move on.

That said. Not everyone can easily put all their fantasies into words at the drop of a hat, but that doesn't mean they can't express their desires. This is where having a kinky tumblr or redgifs account or fetlife can really come in handy. Everyone has hang ups about what they want to some degree, and everybody runs out of ideas sometimes, and so trading pics and fics and porn videos back and forth with one another and taking note of what a partner of yours likes/reblogs and folding that into your own sexual repetoir is always an excellent move that shows you are considerate and communicative -- and it is itself a form of communication.

Some of my best partners over the years have been people who've been able to use the sending of an erotic gif or short story or video to get the conversation going and direct attention and desire. Plus exploring one another's kinks can really expand your own sexual palate of things you're into or down for, which means more future adventures for you either way! Communication is not only words, it's an act of inviting another person into your realm of experience and that can be physical, visual, aural etc.

As for how to go about actively communicating on say, fetlife or a dating app (or even tumblr, i've met people on here!):

I write in moderate detail about what I'm into, and I make it sound hot and fun! It's not a laundry list of expectations that I have in a partner or play scene, it's not a diatribe about hang ups or frustrations I've had on the site or with other people, it's bubbly, and infectious, and outlines some of my favorite things to do.

I've heard many times from strangers that even just reading my profile(s) has opened up their interest to a whole realm of activities and play themes that had never ever appealed to them before. This means I get a lot of curious questions and interest right off the bat, and from there I can review people's own profiles, ask them what they are into (that's usually how I word it, what are you into, or what kinds of play have you gotten into lately, etc), and take it from there. It always evolves pretty naturally because I take a genuine interest in people and want to hear all about their past activities and present interests and it flows easily from there.

And on the flip side, if I see that someone else is cute, or they have mutual interests to mine, I reach out to them, tell them how I feel, ask questions relevant to the kink, and again just direct a lot of interested genuine attention their way while also sharing excitedly about the stuff i've done and the things i'm into. In either case, whether I've been contacted or am contacting someone, if the vibes are good I move pretty quickly to escalate to actually meeting up or doing something, usually within a few days (or that same night if its that kinda app lol).

I dont know, if the interest is mutual and both parties are open and excited it all moves pretty easily! Doesn't mean every encounter is all that much fun, some people you just dont have chemistry with in person -- but you want to identify people who are compatible and who can express themselves openly as quickly as possible, kindle that connection, and then escalate it to real contact quickly as well. And communicating openly is not about being the best writer or orator, it's a question of spirit -- is the person closed off, or are they genuinely excited to share themselves with you and to take you in. And that's worth asking about oneself as well: am i an open, enthusiastic, present listener. but, like i said, this also means ignoring or fading away on plenty of dry, nothing-there messages.

I wonder if in your case getting more in touch with who and what you desire in an active way rather than a responsive way could be helpful, since you mentioned mostly only having success when approached. Maybe you can challenge yourself to find at least five people you find hot and message them this week. And take notice of feelings that you have about that, or people that you tell yourself you don't deserve to message, or any other points of resistance you feel internally and what that resistance sounds/feels like. and then contacting the person anyway.

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thislovintime · 1 year

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Peter Tork and Reine Stewart, (in photo 4 with baby Hallie); photos 2 & 3 by Henry Diltz, photo 4 by Nurit Wilde.

A long read, taking a look at Peter from circa 1969 to 1980, with very frank reflections by Peter from the early ‘80s through to 2009.

“[After the end of The Monkees] Tork found out he'd paid half again what his house was worth, so he wouldn't have been able to get back his initial investment, even had he sold it. For a while he leased it to Stephen Stills, who’d gotten over the rejection of not being selected as a Monkee by becoming a superstar on his own, first with Buffalo Springfield, then in a trio with David Crosby and Graham Nash. Tork and his girl friend [Reine Stewart], who was then pregnant, went back East with the idea of becoming organic farmers. Late in 1969 Stills moved out, with a few months of rent paid up, so Tork and his girl friend returned to finish out the decade. ‘We were there for a few months, but it was much less comfortable. Then a fellow came in and took it over, a would-be-guru type, who ran a colony there. When he quit paying the rent, it was foreclosed.’ Next they moved into a house in Beverly Glen owned by David Crosby. Tork's daughter [Hallie] was born there in January 1970. ‘We stayed there for a while, and I became involved with another woman, and my girlfriend and I broke up,’ he said. [...] One lesson, well learned only recently, has put Tork off alcohol since 1980. ‘I was able to change my course as early as I did, relative to some of the stories I've heard, because of my dabblings in Eastern philosophy,’ he said. ‘Because of that spiritual experience I had beforehand on acid (which has since been validated and expanded) and because of a few experiences in community, I've been allowed to recognize that what I really did want to find on a day-by-day basis was spiritual surrender. Now I am not in charge, not in the sense that somebody else is in charge, but in the sense that what is in charge is larger than I can know by myself, but I have to trust it. ‘I can't ascribe my alcoholism to fame,’ he went on. ‘I can more easily do it the other way around. One of the things about alcoholics, to the extent that I've been able to make any observations, is that we are either above the crowd or below it – or both at the same time. The reason you shoot to be above is because you feel below, and the reason you feel below is because you're not part of, never one of the guys. You envy the people who seem to have a certain contentment. The character makeup that sent me into pop stardom is the same character makeup that sought to anesthetize myself with chemistry. I found that it was not until I put all of that chemistry behind me that I began to get back in touch with my place in the human scheme of things.’” - When The Music Mattered (1984)

Peter Tork: “Yeah, I was a serious substance abuser, I abused some serious substances – and they abused me in return, it was only fair. But I’d like to report now, for the sake of all those who care, that I haven’t abused a single substance in a long time. I’m actually, I’m very happy about it, although I have to say that it has nothing to do with willpower or, you know, strength of character or any of that kind of thing, which a lot of people talk about. It was just surrender, it was just giving up.” Q: “And it was expensive.” PT: “No. It was beer.” Q: “Oh. All right.” PT: “Drank too much beer.” - The Rik Turner Show, January 1994

Peter Tork: “There never was a time I couldn’t drink. My parents let me drink wine if I wanted with dinner, or a sip of cocktails or a bit of beer, nobody ever cared, and I never got too deeply into it when I was young. But it’s pretty clear that everybody’s… that alcoholics have a curve to their disease, to their syndrome, that is basically not affected by life or by anything else, just it’s genetic, it’s in their bones. And I guess my curve hadn’t taken over me, it didn’t… I didn’t even notice I was in trouble until my late thirties. One or two friends of mine knew I was in trouble before that, but not many. [It appears there’s a genetic history] My father died at 86, you know. It’s hard to say that he died of alcoholism, because alcoholics at best die in their sixties, or early sixties, you know, most alcoholics who can survive, who don’t die of anything else, who just die of the organic damage alcohol does to them, die in their sixties. So it’s hard to say, you know. But I think the best teller of the disease; well, there’s two good tells, I think. One of them is: do you drink when it’s against your better interest to do so, and when the information is there that lets you know that it is. And the other is: personality changes, you know. And I used to see my father with personality changes. My mom drank like a fish, but she may not have been an alcoholic, it’s hard to know. But almost certainly my father was. And that’s the only genetic information I have.” (x) [...] Q: “Did anybody approach you, and say, say, 'Peter, man, what are you doing?'” PT: “Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope.” Q: “Wow.” PT: “Because I never... because my... listen, I have a very high-bottom story, really. You know, I would get drunk and behave badly one night, and it wouldn’t happen again for months and months and months. And everybody thought, oh, well, Peter’s just, you know, he’s just had a few too many. And it didn’t happen all the time, and, you know, like the man says, you know, 'I didn’t get into trouble every time I picked up a drink; every time I got into trouble, I’d been drinking.' But if your bouts of trouble are months and months apart, as they were with me, nobody notices the pattern until you come back and say, ‘I’m not drinking anymore,’ and they go, ‘Oh, well, that explains such and such,’ you know. A lot of my friends who weren’t drinking noticed sort of more in hindsight. ‘Oh, yeah, now that you tell me this, now that makes more sense than it did before,’ some event in their memories suddenly makes more sense, and that kind of thing. But, so nobody said to me, ‘Peter, Peter, you’re playing in traffic, and you’re going to get hit.’ [...] In my view, one of the things about my being an alcoholic is that it did keep me from applying the kind of concentration that let me be as good a musician as I want to be. In other words, it’s like every so often I would pick up a new instrument, and so if I could only play many fewer instruments and play them all all commensurately better, I think I’d be a happier musician today. [...] I picked up the trumpet the other day. [...] I really would rather concentrate on the things I can do somewhat well rather than waste time doing things I can’t do at all well.” - Take 12 Recovery Radio, (late?) 2000s

“The bottom came for me in June, 1980. Then I managed to quit drinking. The following January I had my last toke of grass and last toot of snow. Since then my career has been puttering along at a steady rate.” - Peter Tork, The Monkees Tale (1989)

“I was never inherently afraid of my situation. When I found myself [in the early 1970s] in a boardinghouse with my daughter [Hallie] in a room for twenty-five dollars a month, sleeping on a mat on the floor, I was not discouraged.” - Peter Tork, When The Music Mattered (1984)

“[In the mid-1970s] I went to Southern California and sort of assembled a family. My daughter [Hallie] from my previous marriage [to Reine Stewart] came to live with me and my woman [Barbara Iannoli], who I then married and had a son [Ivan] with." - Peter Tork, Goldmine, 1982

“[Hallie] says that she has a better relationship with me than any of her friends have with their fathers. It’s a good thing for us, and I hope that the others’ aren’t catastrophic. Because otherwise it means (laughs), otherwise it’s small praise.” - Peter Tork, WDBB, February 2006

“Somewhere along the line, it finally sunk in. Not only that I couldn’t drink safely, which I knew, but that there was no pretense, no way to pretend to you or me that there was a chance of a pretense of drinking safely. And somehow, that got through to me and I was able to turn and make some requests… and go find the help that I needed. [...] So I got a community. And with a community, who had been through ahead of me what it was I needed to go through, I was able to give up my will. So it was no longer a matter of, ‘Man, what willpower you’ve got, you haven’t had a drink in 28 years, how do you do it, man? If I had your willpower…’ Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. It’s not having the willpower. It’s giving up the willpower. It’s surrendering, hopefully, to a dedicated community, for starters that — for me — a dedicated community that enabled me to begin the slow process of dealing with all the stuff that I drank about in the first place. Which is all the ways that I had, you know… because I felt like I was — I knew I was a runner-away, I’d run away all the time. And that made me a cheat. And since I knew I was a cheat, I cheated you. Vicious cycle. I cheat you, so… and then I run, and that makes me… and I know I’m a cheat, so it doesn’t matter whether I cheat, because that doesn’t change anything, so I cheat and I run, and I cheat and I run. Everything. Relationships. I was pretty good with cash register honesty, I learned that at my father’s knee. But almost every emotional honesty available to me was not available to me. And I — I’ll tell you the truth, folks, 28 years later, that emotional recovery, emotional honesty, the emotional — the honesty and depth is, right now, my biggest challenge. I ain’t got it yet. It is better than it ever was, and I’m beginning to — I feel like I’m rounding a corner. Of course, I’ve been feeling that for 28 years. But it feels like I’m getting better. And I know I am. The quality of my friendships is richer and deeper and stronger, my friends are more important in my life, and I’m more important in my friends’ lives. And I am able to hear when somebody says, ‘Is that exactly what you had in mind right there? Is that a perfectly honest…’ And I go, ‘Well, maybe not, I think I can probably do better than that,’ and work on it. In other words, because I have what I can rely upon, I am able to get better, and getting better enables me to stay sober, staying sober enables me to get better, and that cycle, which was a vicious cycle before, is now a benign cycle, and it’s taking me to some really wonderful places.” - Peter Tork, Recovery Fest, 2009

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buckybeardreams · 10 months

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Ahhhhhh hello friend! Hope your day is going well! I just wanted to say I just finished reading the latest chapter of totally platonic and it was amazing! I also saw in a comment you said Eddie was gonna introduce buck to pacifiers next chapter and I can’t wait! I’m so so curious to see how well that’s going to go over lol. I feel like with little buck it might not be that bad? Daddy has worked hard with his baby after all and is getting much closer to his perfect happy baby boy. Big Buck though might still have some work to do 😅 lol. He’s getting there as well but I can see him still having trouble accepting things like pacifier’s and, I’m sure eventually bottles and diapers which I’d imagine aren’t to much farther off. He just needs to fully trust and accept that his daddy Eddie fully knows what’s best for his baby boy. He’s never steered him wrong yet after all 😉

Eddie is definitely going to introduce Buck to pacifiers in the next chapter and I'm pretty excited about it! I love baby Buck so much and pacis are legit my favorite, like I wrote the cutest little snippet of him sleeping with a paci that I've just waiting to be able to use, and I think I'm gonna be able to fit it into this chapter! So I'm like stoked about that!

Lol yeah, little Buck would definitely be more open to the idea, and the littler Buck feels, the easier it is for Eddie to introduce him to new things, especially the kind of things that would normally make Buck blush bright red and stammer in embarrassment.

Eddie knows that, knows Buck would be absolutely horrified by the idea of using pacifiers if he just brought it up. So, he purposely waits until they're playing to bring them over, but when he initially shows up, Buck is not as little as Eddie was hoping he'd be. He still makes it work tho, cuz Eddie's always got a plan lol

I'm actually working on this scene rn so I'll give you a sneak peek 😉

Eddie chuckled when Buck tried to peer into the bag he was holding, ever curious as always.

As much as he'd been mortified when Eddie brought him a teddy bear, Buck eagerly, if sometimes shyly, accepted all manner of toys from his daddy now, and he was very eager to see what Eddie brought him this time.

Eddie was eager to show him, but also cautious, noting that Buck wasn't currently in quite as young of a headspace as he sometimes was.

It wasn't necessarily an issue, didn't mean Buck would reject infantile items… but the chances were certainly greater, so Eddie knew he had to tread lightly.

So instead of offering up the gift right away, he settled on the couch, setting the gift bag aside in favor of pulling Buck into his lap.

Buck was still trying to nosily get a look in the bag, but Eddie guided his eyes to his until Buck was able to pull his gaze away from the gift bag and focus on his daddy.

"That's it," Eddie murmured. "That's my good boy."

Buck whined, shifting in his lap and pouting when Eddie cooed at him.

"Daddy wants to play, baby."

"Play?" Buck repeated innocently, confused because they were already playing.

Eddie nodded, hands shifting to Buck's ass, squeezing him through the thin layer of his Ninjago pyjama shorts, the action more direct than Buck was used to Eddie being with him, but it was the next thing Eddie did that really shocked Buck.

"Yeah, baby, Daddy wants to play," Eddie agreed, one of his hands slipping in between Buck's thighs to cup him.

Buck gasped, squirming under Eddie's touch, his eyes wide with alarm because while he was used to his daddy casually touching him now, used to Eddie bathing him and helping him go potty, Eddie had never touched him like this before.

In fact, Eddie had always been very adamant that he wouldn't touch Buck, that it wasn't sexual because Eddie didn't touch him.

But Eddie was touching him now… and Buck's poor little head couldn't wrap around what that meant.

And Eddie, well, he hadn't exactly been planning to do it, but he found that half of the time he was very methodical in his approach to training Buck. But he was also selfish and greedy, and had this way of acting on a whim or out of anger.

He wasn't not thinking things through when he specifically did the one thing he'd told Buck he would never do, the one thing he'd told Buck they couldn't do platonically.

It wasn't exactly acting on a whim, he thought of it more as quick thinking because Eddie knew he had to adapt to new circumstances and unexpected situations. He had also known when he came over here that there was a chance Buck wouldn't be little at all.

So Eddie had a back-up plan already in place, and yeah, it did include fucking with his little boy's head.

It wasn't that Eddie didn't know he was doing something contradictory, but rather that he wanted Buck so well trained that he would accept anything Eddie said as true, regardless of whether it makes sense, regardless of whether it completely contradicts the last words out of his mouth.

He wanted Buck to be malleable, wanted to be able to mold him to fit whatever role Eddie wanted him to play that day.

Right now, Eddie wanted Buck to trust him completely, knowing full well that Buck didn't understand what was happening.

It didn't matter.

He didn't have to understand.

Eddie didn't want him thinking too hard about anything, let alone about why Eddie did the things he did the way he did them.

He wanted Buck to be mindless, to follow him without question, to trust him blindly.

Eddie wanted to be the god of his world, ruling over and controlling every little part of his life, and he wanted Buck to give him each part gratefully, wanted his name to forever grace Buck's lips.

That's what Eddie wanted.

He wanted to own Buck so completely and so wholly that Buck would never even consider worshipping another.

Total devotion was what Eddie was looking for, and he knew with each step they took together, Eddie was backing Buck into a corner.

The poor little boy just didn't know it yet.

#buddie #asks #daddy eddie verse

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yearofradicalselfbelief · 5 months

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Part Three [Moving the Goalposts] - 21/11/23

CW: mentions of anxiety and depression.

Long time no see! Flufftober kept me, uh, occupied (aka manic and frenzied) and then November followed and has, so far, completely knocked me off my feet in a lovely haze of depression. But it’s slowly giving way now, and I’m able to contemplate the future with thoughts that aren’t limited to “oh, no” so it seemed a good time to write this.

I’m moving the goalposts of this Year of Radical Self-Belief, with that in mind. All in all, 2023 has been pretty good to me – although I haven’t done as much as I would like with it, in part because I completely underestimated how much healing I would have to do in the aftermath of the years that preceded it. As of June this year, I’d only been in my new city for one year, and once the dust had settled and I actually came to view my new city as home, it turned out to be the first quiet year I’ve had in…well, ever. And my brain had no idea how to cope with that.

That’s the thing about being herded from one disaster to another year, after year, after year, after year. When things do settle down, it’s very easy (and reasonable) to mistake it for just another calm before the storm. I spent the months following my moving here – which included a very close family member becoming very sick, and thankfully making a good recovery – pretty much scared to exhale, because I was just waiting for the other shoe to drop. It’s only now that I’m slowly beginning to trust that things might actually be okay for a while. It’s only now that I actually feel like I’m waking up, and not just sleepwalking my way through things as I wait for the next disaster to hit.

Going into this year, I had a lot of high hopes for myself – namely that I’d be querying the novel by now. I am not. Usually I’m very hard on myself for stuff like this, but right now I refuse to be that way. Because it’s understandable. I needed more time to breathe than I initially recognised, and if I didn’t allow myself that, I’d be in terrible shape. Once the dust did first settle here, in the period when I was determined not to trust it, I was having bad panic attacks on the weekly, out of nowhere. It infuriated me, too, because everything was fine, right? I wasn’t homeless anymore, I actually had a bedroom, my living situation was far less toxic than it had once been, and I loved my new city miles more than I ever particularly liked my old one.

But that was the problem. I could afford to feel it. So then I did, and I couldn’t stop feeling it for a good long while…not least because I was so fucking angry at myself for feeling it at all. Now? Now I’m doing better. Calmer. Well, as calm as I personally ever get. So I’m not angry at myself for spending a year actually healing and breathing and enjoying the peace where I could get it, rather than hurtling myself towards the next thing – especially at a time where I don’t think I could have taken the inevitable rite of passage that query rejections are.

On Saturday the 25th November, I’ll turn 27. My own personal new year. Usually birthdays really get to me, too, because I always meet them in this absolute panic over the fact that I’m not yet where I want to be in life, but this time around I feel fine about it. Hopeful, even. So I’m taking that as a good sign, and I’m calling this the beginning of the Year of Radical Self-Belief. I’m not saying I don’t think depression will bowl me over again between then and 28, but that gut feeling just tells me it’s better this way.

The first couple of months were good – I did a lot of writing, a hell of a lot of reading, focused on my physical health, and just finally began to feel like a human being again. It was a good prologue. But this new beginning is a neater starting point, and I just have a good feeling about 27. 9 has always been my lucky number. I’m 27 this year, which comes to nine, my brother will turn 36 the following week, and there are nine years between us. Superstitious, sure, but still.

I also have actual concrete plans this time around, too, beyond “do better” – which are as follows:

A conscious step back from Instagram.

I’d say “social media”, but honestly I use Facebook twice a year at most anyway, and Tumblr doesn’t have the same negative impact on my mental wellbeing that IG does, so that’s the one that has to be focused on. At the minute, I tend to disappear for a couple of months, return until it well and truly wrecks my head, and then repeat the process. I want to find something that’s a happy medium between the two, so I don’t feel like I’m constantly playing catch-up with the pals of which that’s my main source of communication, but also that I’m not repeatedly having to resort to completely ignoring it for the sake of my brain.

Which ties in neatly with the next part.

No longer posting about novel progress on IG.

This one is a weird gut instinct thing. It’s not that anybody has ever made me wish I hadn’t posted about it – in fact, the people cheering me on over there have been absolute stars, and the beta readers have eased a lot of my fears about it. It’s closer to being done than it ever has been (although it's not exactly within arm’s reach just yet), and I feel like I just need a big ol’ chunk of time where I don’t post about it, don’t talk about it, and where I just keep it to myself and get it finished. It just feels right, and who am I to argue with that?

Plus, I’ve been talking about it for so damn long now that folk are probably sick to the back teeth of hearing about it. If people ask, I’m more than happy to chat about it, but it just won’t be the focus of my posts over there until it’s done.

Making myself do something I enjoy once a month.

I don’t mean this from a standpoint of “read a nice book” or “eat some ice cream”, but like properly making a day of “taking myself on a date” once per month. I hate that phrasing, but it’s the easiest way to explain it. I’m anxious (both socially and in general), and I also go through low bouts, and when they all hit together I find myself only venturing out of the house to do the things I absolutely have to, in terms of errands etc, and it’s just not good. It fosters the sort of agoraphobia I developed as a student because of some stalking incidents (never live in Wembley, folks), although these days when it does crop up here and there it’s less rooted in anxiety and more in depression, and it’s just something I need to keep an eye on. I enjoy writing, and I enjoy hiding away and reading shitloads of books, but I need to remind myself that it’s not the only thing out there.

This will be the most difficult one, but it’ll also be the most rewarding one, I think.

So yes! I’m sorry for the radio silence, and I’m sorry for the false starts, but I haven’t abandoned this thing! Thank you guys for your interest, and for your loveliness. I feel like 27 is going to be a good’un – so I’m going to see to it that it is. Whether it likes it or not.

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semper-legens · 6 months

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163. Your Wish Is My Command, by Deena Mohamed

Owned: No, library Page count: 518 My summary: Wishes can be bought and sold. First class wishes - wishes near-guaranteed to work, to give you something big - are a hot commodity. And one unassuming market kiosk is selling three, for a discounted price, completely legally. Enter Aziza, Nour, and Shokry; a poor widow, a nonbinary kid, and the kiosk owner, all in need of something, all wishing for their futures. But will the wishes come true? My rating: 5/5 My commentary:

This was another random grab - it seems that whenever we get an interesting-looking graphic novel at work, I'm going to give it a shot, particularly if it's standalone. This one was originally written in Arabic by an Egyptian writer. I don't think I've ever read anything translated from Arabic before, so that's a new one. It was a really interesting book, perfectly balancing the human angle and character-driven stories with the premise of wishes as a material, tradeable good that is a fact of life within the world. It was a lot deeper and more thought-provoking than I had (for some reason) assumed that it would be, and I have to both commend and recommend it for that. It's a really good book!

The story is split into three tales, focusing on three first-class wishes sold by a man named Shokry from a kiosk he runs. The first is bought by Aziza, a recently bereaved working class woman who could never have been able to afford a wish like that under normal circumstances. In the process of attempting to legally register the wish, she has it confiscated from her and ends up spending years in prison for 'stealing' the wish that she legally bought. The commentary is plain. A working class hijabi widow is automatically seen as being a criminal, as being suspect, when she has access to something deemed too expensive for her, even though she scrimped and saved for a very long time to be able to afford it even at a discount. And just because she doesn't want to give in to the authorities and 'confess' to the wish being stolen, she is discriminated against and thrown into a cell, mistrusted and not believed until the very end. It's a harrowing story of pain and resilience, but in the end she gets her wish, and gets to use it as she originally intended, all those years ago.

Our middle story is about Nour, a student from a well-off background who can definitely afford their wish, but has no idea how to use it effectively. They're nonbinary and are struggling with a lot of the issues around that, such as dysphoria and fear of social rejection, but they know that making wishes can be tricky. If you don't ask for exactly the right thing, your wish is likely to backfire or cause unexpected results, which Nour really wants to avoid. On top of that, they're struggling with some serious depression and mental health issues, something they're not managing to keep under control and are in danger of failing all their classes and flunking out of school. Nour's problems are an interesting contrast to Aziza - while Aziza initially struggles with more external problems, like money, Nour is from a rich background but has a lot of internal problems, like the mental illness. Neither is really treated as being 'more important' by the narrative, however. They're both debilitating and both the most important thing in that character's life, which I thought was a nice touch.

Finally, we have Shokry himself. Shokry is a devout Muslim who believes that wishes in general are haram, that they go against Allah's will for the world and that using one would automatically condemn him. His story is really about the struggle with that, as he befriends an elderly woman who is dying of cancer. The wish could be used to save her life, and he keeps petitioning her to use it to that end (she's a Coptic Christian, so she wouldn't believe that wishes are sinful) but she refuses. The reason is revealed later. Turns out she went through some horrible, horrible trauma around a wish, and doesn't want to use one as she's lived a full life and doesn't want to lose what she has. This one is more of an exploration of religion and tradition - it's key to Shokry's understanding of his faith that wishes are haram, but that's not necessarily the case with newer Muslim thinking on wishes. What is he to do when he sees the options as being between his friend dying but him keeping his soul, and his friend living but him being damned for it? The little inlets and nuances of moral lines being drawn are complex, and Mohamed treats them with the gravity that they deserve, but there is still a lot of lightness and love there.

So that's the three stories - time for some miscellaneous things! I love how Egyptian these stories are. I mean, I'm a white Brit, but I was really immersed in the culture and characters presented by the graphic novel, and it never felt like Baby's First Guide To Being Egyptian or anything, which is a nice bonus. It also explored different strata of Egyptian life and society, and I like that the translation took the approach of not translating certain words or ideas in the text, instead using the original word and telling us in a footnote what that is equivalent to in English. I liked the worldbuilding, with the little interstitials between chapters to explain how wishes work on a wider scale and how they've been integrated into law - it takes the heavier exposition load, allowing the story to then be more focused on the characters. And the art was stylish, a black and white semi-realistic style that had the ability to carry the more serious moments, but could be light and playful when needed. I really liked, too, how the art carried the tone of the different point-of-view characters - in Nour's story, for example, it got notably cartoonier and more ironic in order to convey Nour's more youthful outlook on the world. Overall, this is a fantastic book, and I couldn't recommend it enough. If you're lucky enough to get a copy, check it out!

Next, a young woman is abducted from her home…but why?

#Your Wish Is My Command #Deena Mohamed #bookblr #book blog #book blogger #5

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b1oodandchocolate · 9 months

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In this post:

About the Muse (Dr. Frederick Chilton, NBC Hannibal)

About the Mun (Hi, I’m Casper!)

I’ll Write...

I Won’t Write...

Character Headcanons (HC’s and Canon-Divergent Ideas)

RP Rules

This is my secondary RP blog! Freddie Lounds (NBC Hannibal) is my main character. You can find my blog for her here, @thegreatestjournalistofalltime , on which I would also be thrilled to write with you if you’d like! Both are independent and selective.

All dividers used below were made by saradika. Please go check out her work. It’s all lovely.

Dr. Frederick Chilton is an arrogant, self-absorbed man who desires nothing more than to be admired and recognized in the world of psychiatry. He had initially attempted to achieve this notoriety as a surgeon, but he lacked the skills necessary and thus switched to a different medical field. He always seems to be in Hannibal's shadow, and it bothers him. So much so that he attempts to imitate the man more than he may even realize.

Like Freddie Lounds, he resorts to shady means to attain his desired status. However, he always seems to fall short, regardless.

Here’s Chilton’s Wiki Bio for more information if you haven’t seen the show ❤️

Hello, there! My name is Casper. I’m transmasc non-binary (my pronouns are they/them/theirs or he/him/his) and I’m over the age of 30. I’m neurodivergent as fuck, and, despite writing for shady characters, I’m a soft boi 😅

I’m kind of the stereotypical introvert, so I know I can sometimes come across as standoffish (especially online), but I promise that I’m friendly! I just have a super low threshold for socializing, especially with people I don’t know or don’t know very well yet, which sometimes makes it seem like I don’t want to talk to someone, when the reality is that I just can’t at a given time. Especially since it’s super easy for me to hit “burnout mode.”

Anyway, I’m hoping that I can actually do something of substance with this blog and stick around a while lol. Please don’t be afraid to say hi! Just please keep in mind that I may not be able to respond right away.

Lastly, this is my Ao3, which has been collecting dust and pretty much only has Chilton stuff on it (except for that one Nevada fic) lol: casperlounds on Ao3

Fluffy stuff

Platonic relationships

Consensual NSFW stuff (please see rules below)

Violent or Dark Themes (please see rules below)

Canon-Compliant OR Canon-Divergent Stuff

RP with Non-Hannibal Characters from Other Shows/Movies

RP with OCs in OR Outside of Hannibal

And more...

NonCon/Sexual Violence

Various Kinks (please see rules below)

Varying Degrees of Gore (please see rules below)

Burned Chilton (please see character headcanons below)

And more...

His arrogance and superiority stem from deep-seeded feelings of not being good enough (though, is this even really a headcanon? It's implied canon lol).

His father was a surgeon and incredibly tough on him growing up. His mother was a history professor and, though she was more encouraging, she wasn't too much better.

Only child. Didn't have very many friends growing up.

In RP where it's in his history that he was kidnapped by Dolarhyde, Chilton was rescued before the Dragon could maim and burn him. The details can vary based on RP (if it makes sense), but my HC is that he was being tracked and Jack and Will expected that Chilton might become the target instead of Will. This is the one canon-divergent thing I won't budge on because it fucked me up way too badly when I saw it in the show and I have to skip over it any time I do a rewatch. I don't care who was in that chair, that was brutal and nobody deserves that.

Bisexual.

Hasn't had a romantic or physical relationship with anyone in a really long time. He gets lonely in his ostentatious house by himself, but he'd never admit it. He's also the kind of person to try to ignore it if he starts developing feelings for someone because he fears rejection.

Please read these rules before requesting to roleplay.

This blog is 18+ ONLY. Therefore, I will also only write with people over the age of 18. Minors, please DNI.

If you want to RP with me, please PM me and let me know what you had in mind. Please do not post a starter without discussing things with me first. That way, we can also decide who will start things off!

I will only accept random starters from certain people. If I get comfortable enough, I’ll let you know if I’m OK with your doing that. However, please don’t take this personally! As I stated in the About the Mun section, I’m both neurodivergent and have trouble with social spaces.

That said, if I post an Open Starter that reads “(anyone may reply),” I mean anyone, even non-mutuals. Any Open Starters meant solely for mutuals will be clearly marked to avoid confusion. However, for those who do reply (thank you!), please be aware that I may not get to yours or it may or may not turn into a longer RP.

Please understand that I often struggle with burnout and extreme fatigue, as well as other symptoms stemming from ADHD. Therefore, there will be times when I write more and times that I write less. I also might find it easier to work on one thing over another at a given time, but that doesn't mean I don’t value the partner or the RP I’m not working on. If this doesn't work for you, that’s totally understandable, just please don’t start writing with me if this is something you think will be a problem. That wouldn’t be fair to either of us.

On that same note, please be aware that I will not be writing page-long+ replies. Some of my starters/replies may be longer than others, but I generally write two or three paragraphs. If you’re looking for someone who writes lengthy replies, I’m not your guy. Realistically, I also know I wouldn’t be able to read those lengthy posts, so it wouldn’t be fair to you, either.

Despite not writing ultra lengthy replies, I do put a lot of thought and effort into them. I’ve been made aware that some people have started to use AI generated responses in RP (what a time to be alive). This is a hard no from me. I may take a while to respond, but when I do, I do so to the best of my abilities. I’d hope my partners do the same.

If you want to drop or rework/restart a thread or idea that we’re working on together, please let me know!

Please don’t message me asking when I’m going to get to your response. All that does is make me anxious. I’ll likely let you know, myself, when I can get around to it if you’ve been waiting.

Likewise, please don’t spam message me, especially if I haven’t responded. That makes me incredibly anxious and less likely to respond at all.

However, please do message me if you have questions or want to discuss an idea in the RP we’re working on!!!

I will not have exclusive partners for a given character (i.e. a single Hannibal Lecter that I write with and no other Hannibals). There may be people I write with most frequently for a given character, but I won’t exclude other people.

If you aren’t sure if I’ll be comfortable with something, please ask. This includes NSFW themes, dark themes, violence, and gore. I will do the same for you!

As a general rule, I’ll likely not be comfortable with most kinks. You can ask in PMs while we plan our roleplay, but please know that the answer will likely be “no.”

In the event that you want to RP NSFW stuff, please let me know at the start that this is something you'd like to explore. However, also keep in mind that if I’m not feeling the connection, if it it doesn't make sense for our muses after we get into the RP, I won’t force it. Likewise, I’m also aware that sometimes things will gradually, naturally lead to romantic or sexual places, so it’s fine if that happens organically as we go.

This post and all its sections are subject to change or revision. If that happens, I’ll post that I’ve updated it.

#Casper's Rules

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nemisdevilishkitchen · 8 months

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Mini Custom Night - How I Feel 3 Months Later

Well it's been quite some time, yeah? The break I took was nice but I had felt as though there were still some no brainer things I needed to add to the game, you can read the changelog here as I won't be going over it in this post. I'm still very proud of this project despite everything. I've learned a lot. I've been self reflecting a lot lately and I think that making things is humbling. A lot of the time it's hard to keep my ego in check, that I could do something so much better if I just had xyz reason or opportunity. If I was in that position I'd just knock it out of the park. The truth of the matter is that it's easy to look at something and realize it's faults and upon realizing those faults you feel a sense of superiority. That it's just so easy to see the issue and you must be special for being able to and that had you been there you wouldn't have fucked up in the ways they did.

My head was deeply up my own ass when I started this project. It ended up being a very long and humbling journey, one that I'm still on, and I feel like I'm on my way to being a better person after it. The thing is that I had the power of hindsight when I went into this. Knowing the issues of a project can only come up once one has familiarized themselves with it. It wasn't that the initial person was just doing a bad job or didn't know, it's just that they were learning along with us. Creating art is like a game of telephone where you're berated and mocked for messing up. When you do something for the first time without any guidance or some list of things to fix or check off, you are alone and the future of what you decide to do is totally up to you.

Once I started to do things that FNaF games generally weren't able to or have done before, it was a lot harder to get things done. I had put myself into the same position as many others before me as I entered a new field of the unknown. I could no longer piggyback off the idea of being able to do something better because now I had to lay down the foundation and groundwork. In publishing this work I have made myself vulnerable to the same mockery and ignorance that I had subjected other art to, not realizing the difficulties and just how much really does go into leading the way for others.

I had to crawl so people who decide to take after me will be able to walk as many others before me have done for me. I believe this is the cycle that art goes through. Discovery, refinement and then rediscovery. This isn't to suck myself off or anything, my project really is bad. There's a lot I can do to improve. I may continue to improve it here and there in my free time but it will set down a foundation which others will be able to learn from, the good and the bad. My bad project has value because it still gives an idea of something greater, an idea people can build from and an idea that acts as a cautionary tale to not do exactly as I did.

I'm still going to continue to work on myself and the way I approach art in general. Trying to be more considerate and appreciative. To finally let go of my ego and to not be afraid to show weakness and vulnerability. To let my bad art be out there because I enjoy doing it and because I enjoy the progress I make. So I can continue to gain more appreciation for those around me.

I heard this story once from a friend and I'm not sure if it's their original story or not but it goes something like this,

This guy reads this newspaper everyday from this guy he hates the writing of. He constantly critiques and mocks the work and yet at the end of the day, the bad writer is the better one. Whereas the critic never put themselves out there and flexed their ability to create, the one being criticized was creating and learning with each misstep.

Reject the fear of failure and embrace the possibility of improvement.

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solomons-poison · 10 months

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Hi Tarren! I read (and re-read) your Geto Suguru + 7. 'Sharing a kiss after not seeing them for an extended period of time' and must say it elicited quite a bit of emotion from me. It cut deep and pulled quite a few tears from me lol 😅 Initially unexpected but then again I did request suguru who is the pinnacle of tragedy and with the upcoming episodes about him, I should have expected a heart ripping romance 😣

I honestly have been slacking on typing this feedback ask because life has been busy (as always 😌) but also because i was indecisive in articulating myself and whether to scale back or just come forward with some personal things that resonate with parts of your writing. Complaining about the cold and pumpkin spices are one thing but more serious things are another beast altogether 😟 In the end, I know it is a matter of comfort levels on both sides so I made sure to re check your pinned posts on both of your blogs before sending this so I wouldn't be crossing any of your boundary lines.

Basically, I related to this a lot. I know all too well the pain of being separated from a lover and being unsure if I would ever see them again only to give them as much love as I can when I am with them before being inevitably parted. It is one of the reasons I actually requested this in the first place. I had gone into this with love for suguru but also for another.

The moments you encapsulated stood out to me in multiple sentences from 'It probably should have been enough of a red flag for you to reject him when he tried to court you. But his levels of charisma were just too powerful' to 'It was just for a few days at a time, but when it happened, he was completly unreachable' to 'As days passed and he didn't show, didn't send you any kind of message, a feeling of dread formed a ball in your stomach, hard and heavy' to 'All you could do was keep moving, keep your mind occupied on anything but your missing lover, before you got overwhelmed with a thousand what-ifs' and finally 'putting on tv or music to fill up the space, make it feel a little less lonely'.

Overall, I am glad you didn't make him into kenjaku (i am never forgiving gege for pulling that on us I swear 😤 why couldn't he have just been a dude with a stitched forehead as either a weird tattoo or healing from a nearly fatal blow from satoru since he did not have shoko to heal him 😭) and I am impressed you were able to convey this all without a single line of dialogue 😮 I already thanked you in advance but I would like to thank you again for writing this. It means a lot to me and I hope that despite my vigilance to make note of your rules, I have not made you uncomfortable with my personal baggage. I noticed another fic with my name on it and I'm definitely coming back with another feedback ask after sleep and groceries 😏 (if you aren't sick of me yet 😖). In the meantime, I hope the rest of the day treats you kindly (as you have with surprising me with another gojo piece 😍)

You are always, ALWAYS appreciated for your feedback!!!!! It means a lot to me to hear people's thoughts on what I write. I don't want to sound egotistical, but at that risk, it's really nice having someone point out particular things I put in and how it impacted them, because as the author, of course it means so much to me that someone noticed. Or especially, that what I did worked as intended/had the impact that I was looking for. And thank you for taking the time to send me this response, too, when you're busy!

Yeah I am also not happy with the Kenjaku route that Gege took (not as in bad writing, but because poor Geto already went through so much and then now to have his body used like a puppet?? Is awful). I couldn't really think of a reason Geto would disappear for a while, which is why it ended up that angsty idea instead haha.

Like I just imagine knowing/loving Geto before he leaves, trying desperately to keep him there before he completely falls to the "dark side". You know that something is wrong, but you don't really know what you can do or how to help. It would just be heartbreaking watching him slowly leaving...

I'm glad I was able convey him! And no worries about it making me uncomfortable, I'll usually be pretty straightforward about what I don't like or isn't allowed, so if there ever is a problem, I'll just let you know. :) and the kiss requests were pretty generic in prompt, giving me a lot of freedom in choosing why you/the reader and Geto would be separated, so it was my fault that it ended up as sad as it did haha, you're not to blame.

And yes! I made a second post for Geto for you that has a much happier note haha, that I hope you like~ but no rush to read it, get your rest and errands, and I'll be awaiting your feedback~

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