#but anyways I've realized that I feel very weird about people finding me romantically/sexually attractive

[melonpond]

everyday I relate to aroaces a little bit more

#melon rambles #there was a customer today who was a guy a bit older than me but still around my age #and as I was waiting for his coffee to be made so I could hand it out and he was asking me how my day was #which for some reason I got the vibe that he was trying to flirt or about to flirt even though that question is innocent #and I tried to brush off my suspiciouns but then when I handed him his coffee he got a bit flustered and I'm like #dude. #like I was covered in sweat #my skin looked like a lobster because I get really pink when I'm hot #my hair is a mess #and THIS is the first time that I see a dude get visibly flustered around me? #but anyways I've realized that I feel very weird about people finding me romantically/sexually attractive #ESPECIALLY complete strangers #and I don't really know what to do with that information

[aromantic-diaries]

Hey, sorry to bother you but I feel like i might be on the aro/ace spec and I wanted to share my experiences and see if you or maybe other aro/ace spec people have had a similar experience and can help me find a label for myself.

So, ever since I was really little (around 5 years old) I always thought that I HAD to feel romantic feelings and that I HAD to get a partner of the opposite sex because I would see people being romantic to the opposite sex in public and a few kids shows had 2 character of the opposite sex who were romantic with eachother and stuff like that so I thought that if I didn't have a partner or atleast feel the attraction that i would be a failure to society (I was a weird kid with an intresting way if thinking). Because i didn't want to be a failure to society ,in kindergarten up until grade 1 I would try and feel romantic feelings and try to get attention from my "crushes" which I'll just call my victims bc I didn't really like them( I think I was just attention seeking. )Once I got to grade 1 I started to realize that I didn't NEED to get a boyfriend or something so I stopped. I was a really confusing little kid, constantly wanting attention from my victims but never feeling attraction and when they DID show/express their attraction to me I would get mad and break their heart.

Eventually I found out that gay people existed (bc I had no idea that was even possible) and I was like: ":0 that's so intresting" but I didn't think much of it until I felt like I could've been one and I currently think that I have a "crush" on a friend of mine of the same sex. Even though I have always on the outside expressed how weird I think romantic and sexual attraction is, I can't help but still want to feel those feeling even though I don't feel them. I have been able to force myself to feel romantic feelings (I think the feeling that I once felt for a victim was romantic but Idk. I heard that people feel "butterflies in their stomach" which i assumed was similar to the feeling of being on a rollercoaster while your face was warm so I was able to make myself feel that I guess.) And it felt good but I felt like I was lying to myself or something. I don't feel that feeling with the friend that I have a "crush" on but I've been able to force myself to feel it a little sometimes.

I'm so confused and I wanted to know if you or other aro/ace people have had similar experiences (of trying to force yourself to feel romantic or sexual feelings even if you are somewhat repulsed by it or think that it's weird) and I want to know if their is a certain label for this so that I can feel less confused (and so that my friends and family can feel less confused bc I try to tell them how I feel and they say that I'm weird and make no sense)

Sorry if this was too long or made no sense. I'm not good at summarizing and I consider myself a very confusing person (also sorry for bad punctuation and Grammer ;-;) anyways, whether you respond to this or not I hope you have a good day/night.

Hi! Choosing people to have a crush on is a pretty common experience for aros, I only did it once but when it happened I remember I just randomly decided that I should have a crush on someone so I looked around and picked someone. It's sort of a "this is what everyone else is doing so this is how I fit in, right?" thing for most people. Cause yeah it's kind of expected from everyone

As for forcing those feelings, I think I sort of know what you mean, if I think about it hard enough I can kind of placebo myself into feeling that sensation of having butterflies in my stomach and I have convinced myself that I felt romantic attraction before even though it wasn't real or genuine and was more of an imitation of it. I don't know if there's a specific label for it but I'm pretty sure I've experienced it before and there's probably other aros in the same boat, so you're not alone with this.

#anon #mail time

[joy-drops]

this mf long so don't tell me i didn't warn u

been in a rut for over a year

something something autistic burnout

idk the cause or the solution

just trying to survive each day as best i can

easier said than done when everything that brings me joy (ha) is behind a pay wall

that's capitalism baby~

found out fauna is going to the only anime convention i can attend on a reasonable budget.... but im already so broke....

I'd shell out the cash (debt) if it meant guaranteeing a spot at the meet and greet but they might not release info until too late when plane tickets are unaffordable ;_;

i wanna look forward to something because sustaining my sanity on retail therapy and getting high definitely is losing its effectiveness

brain always returns to the loneliness. i know its crippling but how much of my struggle is from that and how much is from my disability... they're both invisible which makes it hard to tell

would having a partner help that much? my gut tells me yes since ill have motivation to live if i have someone to share existence with but that feels like putting all my eggs in one basket and setting myself up for an unhealthy relationship

i like to think i won't fall down that path of toxic codependency like i have in the past tho im not crazy confident based on my track record

Which reminds me I've realized how appealing polyamory sounds to me but I'm terrible in groups I feel like I'd be overwhelmed with more than 3 (including myself) tho who knows what can happen

REGARDLESS i guess i gotta talk to people and make friends since i am incapable of socializing with the intention of dating (trust issues yippee)

i wish i had a crush at the very least. i bring this up often but i fucking miss the feeling of legitimate interest and attraction towards someone

How do I meet someone, become comfortable enough with them, and ultimately find a partnership that satisfies my insane desires???? maybe I'm putting the cart before the horse? Tackling too much at once? Something like that...

Imma be real the only reason I'm active on here is another mechanism to cope with this loneliness (akin to listening to asmr for instant happy brain juice + with the added benefit of "putting myself out there")

My strange fantasy that I'll meet people on here like I did years ago and magically hit it off

AAAAAAUGGHHHHH how did I do it back then it seemed so easy what happened to my social skills (trauma, probably)

How is it I work 2 days a week and am still drained constantly? when will I be free from sleepy bitch syndrome? it's like I've been running on fumes for the past year WHEN WILL I HAVE THE WILL TO LIVE AGAIN

i miss having someone to talk to frequently about everything

i have my besties but unfortunately knowing there's no sexual or romantic attraction there makes it hard for me to get past these barriers?? Is that weird? I wanna be able to be intimate with someone and close but for me that's intrinsically tied to sex and romance. I'm overflowing with platonic friendships to the point where I had to cut off a bunch and leave many people I care about hanging because I simply have no energy to exist anymore

I've been doing my best each day but it only gets harder

The only thing I have energy for is getting high and living inside the fantasies my brain can muster as a means to cope with how lonely I am

I dream of being hugged, of someone touching me, of being accepted for all my flaws and reassured that my existence isn't shameful. I live for the day these might become reality

Since as long far back as highschool I've yearned for intimacy

Physical intimacy specifically since the most I've done is hold hands and lil cute things like that I CRAVE SKINSHIP UNLIKE ANYTHING ELSE

Anyway if anybody made it this far hi feel free to confess ur undying love 2 me

#LONG vent #my bs #weh

[judasgodness]

Aro week

I'm going to talk a lot about loneliness here because it's my experience as an aromantic having, amazingly, my own life and psychological and social problems to deal with.

Before discovering myself aroace, I always thought about how good this sexuality should be, because someone who doesn't feel romantic or sexual attraction is someone who was born completely armored. Someone who had no chance of getting a broken heart must have been born very lucky. God really does have his favorites.

I already knew it wasn't quite like that, but I found (and still do) that illusion amusing.

However, as I got to know this sexuality more, I identified myself and became even more familiar with it, but I denied it because it was impossible for me to have been "born armored", after all I am afraid of spending the rest of my life alone, despite since then this is an idea that I've made peace with.

But I'm not the only aroace who feels that way, right? Someone who has emotions and is lonely (in the romantic sense or who feels that they are not the priority in someone's life) feels the loneliness solidifying as time goes by.

And I'm certainly not the only one who has "forced" himself to like someone or just stuck with a certain person because he didn't know and didn't want to deal with his own frustrations alone.

Although the idea of ​​being lonely is something I've come to terms with, when I find myself thinking about the future I imagine two situations: one where someone is interested in me romantically, it's not reciprocated and we move away. It's an imagination of my desire to be desired mixed with the only realistic end I can think of. And in the other I imagine myself living in a place close to the beach, with children and having the same closeness that I have today with my family and friends, and in this imagined future I realize that I am genuinely happy, even in the only way I know how to live: more distant and lonely.

So that's how I realized that I still want to have a family, living close to my favorite place. And there's no one like my life partner in this dream simply because I don't imagine that person could exist. Even if it makes me a little sad to think that I'll never be someone's priority, it's still a comfortable dream, it's still something I wish I had just because, put it that way, it feels like there's something missing.

But if something or someone comes along, it's welcome.

However, despite all this loneliness that I feel is something very real, it's not the only thing.

Imagine that you are assembling a puzzle little by little, but the last piece is lost somewhere and when you finally find it, you think you were in the most obvious place in the world and rush to fit it in its rightful place.

This is exactly how I feel every time I find something about myself. The path to discovering yourself aro(ace) is certainly a journey and, depending on the person, the fear of loneliness will be something that will haunt you for a long time, but still the feeling of "fuck it all makes sense" is there, mainly because with that understanding comes the realization that there's nothing wrong with you just because you didn't have any interest in a romantic relationship in high school, or curiosity (enough) to want to try dating and casual sex even though you're already 19 years old.

And sometimes I can feel attracted to someone to the point of imagining a lifetime with that person, but that (at least so far) doesn't mean that I have real interest in living all those things with that person. Sometimes I just want to imagine how I imagine any other story anyway. Because it's cool, because that person aroused this interest in me and it's something comfortable. Or sometimes because I really had a crush on the person.

But the saddest (and most revolting) thing (because everything I've said so far is my own thing) is when I feel the questions and judgments coming out of people's pores who think I'm weird because I don't have anyone I like.

"Ah but surely you already liked someone", already, nothing happened and nothing changed.

"But is there anyone who likes you?" If there is, I don't know, but it's probably going to be someone I don't want.

You know, asking me if someone likes me or if I'm interested in someone or if I'm seeing someone just makes me unhappy, because it reminds me that, in this world, I'm basically alone and even rejected, which makes me feel feel weird, pissed off and depressed.

Weird because "what do you mean I don't have anyone?"

Pissed because "fuck I have no peace in this shit".

Depressed because "nobody wants me (if someone shows up wanting me I don't. Let me wallow in my drama in peace)".

#aro week #aro #arromantico #aromanitc #aromantism #lgbtqia+ #lgbtqia #lgbt

[acespec-ed]

hi! literally two days ago, I kinda clocked I'm somewhere on the aro-ace spectrum, and I feel really lost. I assumed that i was heterosexual, but from watching a few videos i realised that I feel sexual attraction with conditions (?) and all the crushes I had were emotional/aesthetic attractions. I've never engaged in sexual activity before either. I just want to know, when/how do you realise that, "ok i'm not allosexual"? And how to navigate microlabels too? (sorry this is badly written!)

This turned out far longer than intended, so I'll give you microlabel resources first, a tl;dr answer to your other question, and then my long answer.

Microlabels- Your best bet to finding one is going to this glossary I wrote up: https://aceglossary.carrd.co/ It has just about every ace term and label I've found on this wiki, but actually categorized by type with definitions next to them for quick finding and viewing. I've even got a category called "sexual attraction under certain conditions," so you can start there! For examples of the more popular microlabels in action, you can check out this cereal comparison post I made that led to the creation of this blog. There's also this handy flowchart I made recently that you might have already seen but I'm linking it anyway. (And, obligatory "you don't have to use microlabels if you're happier using an umbrella term or even no labels!")

Now for the tl;dr answer to realizing you're not allo:

The “new and improved” defintion of being ace/arospec going around nowadays, goes along the lines of; “anyone who experiences sexual/romantic attraction different from what society expects.” If you feel like you experience attraction differently, whether you’re feeling it rarely/weakly, whether you only feel it under certain conditions, whether you even feel it at all, you’re ace/arospec. Some people might decide that, even if they technically fall under this definition, they’d rather not use any ace/arospec labels for whatever reason. But anyone who does fit that definition, can use those labels. You said you realized you feel sexual attraction under certain conditions, so that would mean you’re not allo, unless you decide you’d rather go by allo. 

The more in-depth answer:

Everyone’s journey towards discovering they’re not allo is different. Some people felt broken and alienated. Others discovered that, allos weren’t exaggerating when they made sexual comments about crushes. Some found out they fit in better with aces/aros than allos. Others randomly stumbled across the ace/aro spectrum and something just clicked.

Myself, I always felt like something was "wrong" with me. I'd been sex repulsed for as long as I could remember. Conversations surrounding sex and wanting sex made me feel very uncomfortable and alienated. I didn't know asexuality was a thing. Then, when I was 21, my boyfriend came along, and then I started feeling sexual attraction for the first time. It was weird and confusing, but I figured maybe I had just needed the "right person." A couple years later, I came across a Reddit post about finding strangers sexually attractive and everyone's comments brought back those alienated and confused feelings. Finally saw someone mention demisexuals and I looked that up, discovered the ace spectrum, and it explained everything!

So in my opinion, if you've gone your life feeling like something's off with yourself compared with the rest of the world, and come across the ace labels, and one of those labels brings you comfort and relief and just, explains so much! Then yeah, you're not allosexual.

Of course, not everyone has the journey of feeling alienated from society until coming across a label that Explains Everything. That's when it gets a lot harder to tell, and it sounds like you're more in that category. I'm like that in regards to my romantic orientation.

I'm orchidromantic. I do experience romantic attraction, but I lack an inherent desire to want to act on my feelings. It's been hard for me to figure out which of my past crushes were romantic attraction and which weren't, but never once have I felt "broken" romantically. I enjoy a good romance. I'm not opposed to being in any romantic relationships. On top of that, I grew up in a family where being single-by-choice is seen as a totally normal, not weird thing. So I often feel like I can't even relate to most aros. I have a hard time considering myself arospec because of it all.

However, I'd get so confused whenever alloromantics would talk about wanting to pursue their crushes, and wishing they were in a relationship, and how unrequited love is the Worst Feeling Ever! Meanwhile, I prefer celebrity/fictional crushes over real life person crushes because I fuckin' love admiring from afar!

So, am I arospec, or am I alloromantic? Most would say that comes down to my own personal preference. I prefer just going by orchidromantic. Unfortunately, most people don't know what that is, so I call myself alloromantic because alloromantics confuse me slightly less than aromantics. (And now, whenever alloros do confuse me, I can just kick back and think of how orchidromantic I am! Whereas I can’t even do that in aro spaces because I feel like my experiences with romance are too different from theirs to fit in with them. Though that could change if I ever find myself single again.)

Taking my examples into consideration, whether you're allo really comes down to personal feelings and how you relate to others. If most people are talking about people/attraction in a way that confuses you, then chances are, you're not allo. If you find an aspec label that brings you comfort, sounds accurate, and/or just seems to fit, then you're not allo. If you go into ace/aro spaces, and feel like you fit in there more than you fit in with allos, then you're not allo. If you want to still go by allo regardless, that's fine. But nobody can stop you from using any ace/aro labels.

I hope this long, rambling mess helped some! 💜💚

#asks

[potatopossums]

So, It's Aromantic Awareness Week

I'm so happy about the deserved rep and recognition for me and my fellow aros.

I'm also feeling displaced.

I know a lot of pride events have these fun little prompts for people to share their experiences. I did one for Nonbinary Awareness Week a couple years ago. If anyone has found a good list of prompts for Aro Week, I'd be so happy to check them out and possibly do them, but I haven't seen any so far.

But whew. Sometimes i feel very isolated in my experience as an aro person. And in my experience as a person in general.

It's hard to feel a lot of relation to labels and symbols. I don't really line up too well with people's experiences even though my idea of what the label means fits me. But i don't seem to really match other people's experiences. I know that's canonically okay. But it feels weird. It makes me question.

Where the hell do i belong, and do i belong anywhere?

I have a weird aro experience. I feel like i 100% know what romance feels like and i think it's just eh. Romantic friendships can be nice but they also have a tendency to suck. I feel like my lack of enjoyment eventually becomes aromanticism in my process. I experience attraction to people but don't really categorize it as romantic. It's just attraction. It usually comes through as aesthetic, platonic, sensual, sexual... stuff like that. I'm used to recognizing that as romantic, but since learning about aromanticism, I've realized there's a distinction, no matter how small. I've learned that i don't want to have a romantic relationship just to check off some box on my List of Things to Do to Lead a Successful Life. I want to be around people i care about for real, people who vibe with me. And i really don't find that I can choose those people all too well. I'm actually really horrible at picking partners of any sort. It always ends up going awfully. I'm a terrible judge of character. Or, perhaps I'm a very aware judge of character, I'm too patient with people to whom i shouldn't so readily lend my patience. Who knows. I just operate kind of mechanically, as if life is a math problem i can solve formulaically. And then I'm disappointed when the equation doesn't really work out.

That definitely isn't an accurate definition of aromanticism, but it's an accurate depiction of my life. And it's really weird. I enjoy people and struggle to let them into my life. The people I'm attracted to I'm afraid to talk to or be honest with, for fear of scaring them away. The people i don't really care for end up being good company, but i don't feel much "spark" of excitement or joy or attraction around them. I feel like I'm chasing the high of attraction in all my relationships. (Hello, ADHD? It's me, R. I'm chasing dopamine again. Please advise.)

Maybe that's aro, maybe it's not. Who knows, and i like to adopt the mantra of "who cares" as well. But it definitely sucks sometimes to feel like you don't quite fit anywhere.

So on that note, here's to the ppl who kind of identify with aromanticism but also don't totally feel like they fit and don't feel like they fully belong under any label, but still relate to the term for some weird, possibly unexplainable reason. Maybe we are just where we are. Maybe it doesn't feel that comfortable and maybe that's okay. Maybe it sucks and feels terrible. Maybe it feels alright. However that is for you, I'm glad you're here anyway.

#aromantic #queer #alterous #lgbtq #aromantic awareness week #labels

[thegeminisage]

what do you think are some of the biggest pieces of evidence for cas being ace? i've watched so much of the show in the past month that it all blurs together, lol, so i can't remember many specific scenes. i do remember "i'm utterly indifferent to sexual orientation" (though that wasn't about his own orientation) and cas' discomfort at idea of sleeping with women at the bordello in 5.03... anything else you can think of? I'd be interested to hear your thoughts!

rubs my hands together okay a List yeah i can do a list

wait actually first i wanna say that the biggest reason is because i’m asexual and i said so 0:) like i know that sounds a joke and it is a little bit but SERIOUSLY it’s just a general Aura or what the fuck ever about people. you know how sometimes a friend group formed in teenage years will one by one realize they’re all queers and they just grouped together organically? ace people are like that too. many of my closest friends have been aspec and i didnt even know that when i met them, THEY didn’t even know. but like if you asked me to list the ten people i was closest to over my life the huge majority would be aspec like me. we find each other In The Wild. so when i say he’s ace because i said so like i’m saying I’m Ace And I Can See Him. He Is Ace Because I Said So. my ace-dar is EXCELLENT

okay anyway with that out of the way here’s your actual list. obviously much of this can be a point in favor of many different readings of cas (and i’m not saying those can’t be true at the same time as ace cas!), but i’m ace and he’s ace and that’s what this post is about so i’m focusing on the ace parts. thank you.

list of ace cas evidence:

in general cas has a lot of trouble connecting with humanity at first which is an ENORMOUS ace mood

when dean cracks in the 4.01 deleted scene “yeah i have that problem with women” (after cas talks about the difficult in finding a vessel that can contain him) cas absolutely does not get that joke. we were having ace cas moments right from the get-go

it’s shown as early as 4.02 that cas doesn’t understand personal space. this is him not getting one single thing about human intimacy works and that he’s overstepping a boundary. it’s not just that he’s an angel (though that’s some of it) he just doesn’t intuitively understand physical stuff like that

that dean/anna kiss in 4.10. LOOK AT HIS FACE. that’s a face that says “i had no idea this is how humans were intimate with each other” and also “do i want to try that?” answer: maybe. dean’s very pretty. but something about it just feels like he’s going “whoa i never even CONSIDERED that” - like that to be sexy with the humans he’s into just didn’t occur to him

i know you said so already but WOW 5.03 brothel scene. THEEE ace cas moment

i’d also like to take a moment to tip my hat to 5.04. almost every aspec will have had a period of frustration and self-loathing where they thought at least once about maybe just having sex they weren’t into as a way to be “fixed” or to prove something. when aspecs are at their lowest and most broken, they are having sex they do not want to have. and when cas is at his lowest and most broken (in 5.04 AND 9.03, thank you), what is he doing? having sex! it’s just Interesting to me that the only times cas fucks is when he’s literally in the absolute worst points in his entire life 

also, i’m getting out of order here, but that thing in 9.03 was absolutely rape. the way he talked about it after was THEEE most comphet bullshit i’ve ever seen. “that was nice.” “she was...sooo hot.” dean winchester can’t fool me and neither can cas thee tiel. 

i know everyone was uncomfortable with the cherub in 5.14 but cas was SUPER uncomfortable. “no one likes it” yeah that’s cause he’s not a big touchy-feely dude 

i actually really hate that porn scene in 6.10, but it is a classic “i don’t get it” moment + a side of “monkey see monkey do” later when he decides to mimic it and kiss meg. she started it - he’s just going “oh yeah i remember watching that on TV - like this, right?” he’s pleased with himself for correctly mastering a form of human interaction, he’s not, like, horny. 

didn’t get the erectile dysfunction joke in 6.19

obviously, godstiel’s utter indifference to sexual orientation

strongly implied to be in a chaste marriage with his “wife” daphne when he was an amesniac

being repeatedly lobotomized in season 8 is its own can of worms. they were trying to make him straight. alas, it cannot be done

meg propositions him in season 8 and it takes him a bit to catch on. i don’t think accepting means he’s not ace, just that he’s interested in stuff humans do. would have been nice for his first time not to be with a psycho reaper who got him to trade his virginity for a pb&j :/

cas seemed REALLY nervous at the prospect of the date in 9.06, almost like it was something he had to steel himself to do - yet another weird part of human life he was resigning himself to, especially after metatron told him “go find a wife and have some babies” when his grace was taken

cas in season 10 is UTTERLY oblivious to hannah’s advances, even the ones that include nudity (and his own nudity at one point lol), and when he finally catches on he lets her down in the most awkward way possible

in season 11 he says he’s gonna take dean’s temperature and doesn’t see how that’s weird lol

he never got to truly speak to dean about his weird “””attraction””” to amara but i like to think he would have been equally confused

in season 12 in the hotel room where an orgy had clearly just taken place dean snickers and picks up the panties but cas is totally oblivious

ALSO completely oblivious when the waitress hits on him in season 12

this is a little bit of a stretch, but despite being named as jack’s “real” father, his relationship with kelly, his ostensible baby mama by proxy, seemed INCREDIBLY platonic to me. like they were such good buds! but he never had any of that romantic chemistry with her - there were no lingering notes or touches or whatever. he just wasn’t interested in that same way. 

exasperated with gabriel and talking about porn stars in season 13 lol

canonically, castiel spent seasons 4-?? falling in love with dean, but he never made a move on him physically - yeah yeah the CW is homophobic but i like to think that most of castiel’s Urges where dean is involved are not in fact of a sexual nature. he wants to be close to him and important to him more than he wants to fuck him. you can long for someone in the ace way without longing for them sexually yk

this is part of why i actually really liked the 15.18 confession - the happiness was in the being, or whatever. he was already WITH dean in almost every way that mattered (i wrote a fic about this). they shared secrets, they shared burdens, they lived together, they fought and worked together, they even raised a fucking kid together! cas was convinced he couldn’t have more than that but also he didn’t really NEED much more than that and thinking about how he had been with dean all along was what made him happy enough to literally die. yeah there’s a version of that scene where the reciprocation was enough to do it but they accidentally hacked it into an ace love scene so i will TAKE it

this concludes my list! i bet it’s a lot longer than u were expecting

[spn masterpost]

edit: a few updates

#liz answers asks #anonymous #liz watches spn #liz's meta #liz's spn stuff #ace cas #long post #i'm sure there are more examples from s15 that i just...forgot...bc i only watched it once #and i can't bring myself to do it again lol

[moons-and-stars-and-shit]

OK NOW THAT I KNOW WHAT 🍰 MEANS UD LIKE ONE PLEASE!

Um my name is Emma I'm 5'10 with thick glasses and shoulder length brown hair (I'm also getting an undercut on the right side bc ya girl E D G Y) I'm awkwardly skinny, like a stick, ID PUT FLATTYKAWA TO SHAME 😭. And since I'm awkwardly skinny and have long limbs I crash into everything within a five mile radius. I'm a mess but I'm cute so it's ok.

I'm a hufflepuff, Taurus and an INFJ. I can be either really observant and understand why people act a certain way or do the tings they do, or completely oblivious. There is no in-between. I really like finding unique or weird things and love going to antique and thrift stores to find them. I'm really crafty and my head is always in the clouds with ideas for something I'm writting....which makes me a target for any kind of ball. I'm always getting hit in the head with balls, it's low key a meme at this point. I'm kind of awkward but I've been putting myself out there more often bc I don't want to regret all my time wasted being worried about what others think. I'm really nice and like to make people smile. I do nt have many friends (people are scary) but the ones I do I hold very dear to me and would fight for them till the ends of the earth. I can be kind of blunt sometimes and sometimes I don't get jokes but I mean well. And by mean well I mean I'm terrified of accidentally hurting people's feelings. I may be ✨soft✨ but I'm not a pushover and will call people out if needed. Around people I don't know well I'm pretty quiet but if you ask me about something I'm interested I could talk for hours upon hours. I can be pretty extra around my friends and have chaotic energy.

I love cute things and animals. I have these cats that I will NOT shut up about. I really like bright, kind of chaotic things

@pansexualproblemchild

Romantic Matchup

Semi Eita

How Y’all Met

Ok so Semi has a weird complex where he wants to be at least decent at EVERYTHING

So when someone pointed out that his serves could use some work

He just HAD to work on them

Unfortunately you being the ball magnet you are walked into the gym JUST as he served the ball

What happened next you may ask?

WHABAM

hit you right in the face

Apparently this particular serve was very powerful

Cuz sis you passed out 🤠

Now Semi was #panicking

So he picked you up bridal style and started walking you to the nurse

In the middle of this little journey you woke up

In his arms

Looking up at his beautiful face

Uhhhhh

ANYWAYS

He got you to the nurse

And turns out you were fine 😃

BUT

The nurse advised you not to be watched over for at least a couple of hours

And since semi felt super bad

He offered to watch you :)

Now in order to make this time less awkward

He asked you what you wanted to do to pass the time

To which you responded with....

✨ 🛍 THRIFTING 🛍 ✨

Ahh yes the art of shopping for cheap 😌

Now semi did not know what thrifting was

So it was your job to show him

You took him to one of your favorite thrift stores

Picked out a few outfits for him

And a few for yourself 😗

And held a mini fashion show!

Honestly semi was having the most fun he felt in a while

And after y’all picked out some clothes

You dragged him over to the nick nacks

And that’s when you found

These guys!

You decided to buy them, taking the smaller one for yourself

And giving semi the other one :)

It was to “mark your newly found friendship”

Yeah

That’s when semi fell in love with you

So when it was time to drop you off home

He decided not to waste the opportunity and asked you on a proper date

Y’all have been dating ever since ;)))

Favorite Things To Do Together

Ok honestly you got him REALLY into thrifting

It doesn’t Mayer if it’s clothes or just random items

He LOVES thrifting

Especially with you

Because you buy a shit ton of random little things

And they always remind him of you 😊

He also really likes to do crafts with you

AS OONG AS IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH A HOT GLUE GUN

He’s burned himself one to many times...

Random Hc

He would 100% get an undercut with you

Y’all can be edgy babes together 😌

He doesn’t allow you in the gym anymore 😀

If his spike was able to do some damage IMAGINE the damage Ushijimas could do

No hurt s/o on semis watch

And I just wanna end these random Hc with the fact that this man would spoil you 👀

You see something you really want at the thrift store

He buys it

Honestly you stopped paying for things all together since you’ve started dating him

Astrology

When Taurus and Scorpio come together in a love affair, their union is nothing if not intense, whether that’s in a positive or a negative way.

They are opposite Signs in the Zodiac, giving them a special, complex connection.

They can combine to make a whole, each partner’s strengths balancing the other’s weaknesses.

Their sexual attraction is likely to be off the charts!

Taurus and Scorpio have tons in common, but because their personalities are so powerful, they often swing between passionate love and passionate disagreement!

Taurus and Scorpio both have deep desires, Taurus for possessions and Scorpio for power.

They’re both concerned with wealth and resources, and they’re both intensely passionate about all sorts of things.

Taurus is a bit more self-focused than Scorpio, who is more concerned with their lover and immediate family.

Both of these Signs have a great, deep-rooted need for security in a relationship, but with slightly different focuses.

While Taurus prizes honesty and forthrightness and abhors infidelity, Scorpio loves to be mysterious.

A Scorpio’s need for security is more about the need to be constantly reassured that their emotional connection with their loved one is strong.

The good thing is, Taurus needs this reassurance too — and is also willing to provide it for their Scorpio lover.

Their powerful connection that can shine when obstacles to intimacy are cleared away.

When Scorpio realizes that Taurus is there for the long term and won’t create the misery that some Scorpios attract to their lives, this relationship can blossom.

Overall Aesthetic

ThriftCore

Songs-

More Than Friends- Aidan Bissett

Listerine- Dayglow

Scrawny- Wallows

Thrift Shop- Macklemore

#haikyuu!! #haikyuu fandom #haikyuu x y/n #haikyuu hcs #haikyuu fluff #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu headcanons #haikyuu matchups #semi #semi Eita #semi x reader #semi x y/n

[watchinglikeafangirl]

Kiss Me Again - first reactions

Out of boredom, I started watching Kiss Me Again also because I've already watched Dark Blue Kiss. I saw many people saying both shows should be seen as two seperable things because some important details got lost on the way of making spin-off.

Let's see how much of a difference there actually is. From what I've heard, Pete is going to be very different. Anyway, here are my first reactions during the watching process:

Episode 1

Oh well, Pete is so different. He's a whole other person here. He's the typical cool guy who just wants to show off but at the same time, he's a bit socially awkward and I love it. This faked boredom and annoyment are only there because he doesn't know what to say when Kao is around and especially when they are alone because the atmosphere is just weird between them. Acting all annoyed is his way of socializing and I like it because I believve we all have weird tactics to try to lighten the mood or find a topic with peopl we don't know. Here, Pete is "annoyed" to look cool but I guess, he does this because he tries to find something they both can agree on and annoyment is the simpliest way. You can easily agree with people on negative emotions concearning a topic, so it's the easiest choice to pretend to be annoyed. What's funny here is that Kao is really not impressed by it and already knows Pete just wants to be cool. I think, Kao just doesn't like Pete in the beginning because he sees Pete is just pretending and is never true. I guess, that's why he will fall for him later, because they will probably have real talks and bonding moments.

Episode 2

Okay, Pete and Kao shared an awkward kiss and now things are even more weird. Here's one difference to the Pete I know from Dark Blue Kiss: he's not honest. Now, whenever Kao wants to address the kiss, Pete gets defensive and aggressive. Yes, it's probably because of his confusion but in Dark Blue Kiss, Pete always addresses everything - even the uncomfortable or negatively loaded topics - but not at this moment.

And also, I know, Pete is not the nicest person at this moment but he is really respectless. After the kiss, he stares into Kao's eyes in surprise, pulls away and then wipes his mouth in disgust more than once. As if Kao's lips and the taste of them are dirt on his lips and that's so disrespectful. Kao is obiously hurt by it and I would be too. Of course, you are allowed to not like a kiss but reacting so disgusted is very harsh.

Episode 3

And now, Pete is bullying Kao by isolating him from the group. He makes the others believe Kao doesn't like them, so he will end up being the king of the group since Kao is not the kind of person who talks about such things and just accepts the circumstances.

The scene between So and Sansuay in the parking lot was obviously not right bahavior on So's part because Sansuay was clearly uncomfortable being pressed against another car. She had no way out and I love the random dude walking by and just checking if she is okay. No romanticizing. Just a statement that this behavior is wrong.

Episode 4

Pete and Kao now claim to be "annoyed" of each other and all the other ones are still left wondering what the real problem is.

But at least, Pete confides to Sandee and confesses he only gets angry because of the kiss. I mean, we as the audience understand him better but I just find Sandee's frustration very amusing. Pete is obviously not realizing his feelings and is just helpless. Sandee is such a mood.

Until now, I really don't like R at all. He is pushing Sanwan around and invades her ersonal space all the time while saying he cares. Dude, if you care, don't force her, don't drag her into your car and especially don't kiss her when she doesn't want to.

Episode 5

Its just my speculation but I'm pretty sure Pete is bisexual because he has an ex-girlfriend (we know of) but seems to be attracted to both gender and he's not the kind of guy who falls for the personality or character of someone. The gender matters to him, I would say. But it's nice to see a bisexual character because mostly shows want to tell me that people are either homo- or heterosexual but there are obviously many other sexualities in between. Living in a gay relationship doesn't mean you define yourself as homosexual, real life doesn't work like that and I like they give us a character who is neither homo- or heterosexual.

What's going on with the men in that show? WHy are there so many red flags? Except for Kao, Mat and Sun, everybody pushes the women around and invades their personal space in a very uncomforting manner. Are they all going to "change"? I don't know if I will be able to believe them...

Episode 6

Mat's mother wants Sanson to "turn her son straight"? Okay, just gonna leave that there because I don't have words how wrong this thought is.

Oh, the scene which I saw many gifs of, happened. But I thought Pete and Kao would spend more time laying in the grass. I though this was a very romantic scene. But it's just a second long. But who cares, their relationship took a next step. They stop fighting and come to some sort of agreement (the agreement being that fighting is pointless). But somehow this scene feels like they broke the ice and finally found peace.

Episode 7

And again, a scene I've seen very often: the hospital. But it's really sweet they all went there because of Pete and wait all together until he can go home. That's real friendship and I think this show portrays their friend group really accurate because they are so natural with each other. They are a bunch of people thrown together who bond over weird fun talks at night and getting home drunk. Even though they are so different, they are loyal and trustworthy. It's heartwarming to see a group of friends be portrayed like this because mostly in shows, the protagonist has one really good friend and just a few people they know but are not very close to. but a group of friends is exactly this and it's rare on TV because showing a whole group bonding is difficult and also because they dynamic is totally different.

Episode 8

Kao (giving me the chills): Mint, even if he doesn't like you back, it doesn't mean you are not good enough. No matter how beautiful you are, no matter how good you try to be to him, if he's not into you, he's not the one for you.

I can't believe So gets away with stealing Sansuay's phone. She will never know it was him. I don't know what to think about him.

Epsiode 9

Sun flirting with Kao over coffee makes me cringe so much right now. This is uncomfortable and not as romantic as Sun may think it is. And then, Kao is scared Sun meant him, this is uncomforting to watch. Also, I really don't think Kao and Sun are a match. It doesn't fit at all and I hope it will be over soon.

What? Wayu wants to rape Sanwan? Did I miss something? How did we get here? I thought this was a warm show for teenagers. Now there's rape? I could deal with the sexual harassment even though that was not fine to watch, but rape? I'm confused how we got there? But of course, R saved her.

Not Mork casually cleaning his gun...

Episode 10

I love the fact Pete and Kao just quietly accept the fact they spend a night together. It happened and they can't change it. They don't even mention it and I'm relieved there's no "don't ever tell anybody" or something. It just happened and that's it. Nothing further to dicuss about it. Also, they made pretty clear already they have certain feelings for each other. The wuestio now is just how they are going to deal with this and if they will be in a relationship.

Kao: I will stop seeing other people when things between us become clearer.

Episode 11

I can't believe they actually address the bullying I mentioned before. Kao is very right when he says Pete needs to earn his trust because of the past. This is just right because you can't forget the past just because of romantic feelings. If you don't address the other person made you feel ad, you won't be able to move on from that and relationships are about trust, so I find this very mature and good for both of them. Pete needs to understand he hurt Kao in the past and can't just change his mind over night and Kao will say yes right away.

A planned engagement? Isn't that a bit old-fashioned? Sanwan and R don't know each other at all and why would their parents decide this for them. It doesn't look like it would be good for family's business or something. This seems so random.

And Wayu tries to rape Sanwan again? How? Why? And what is wrong with Sindee for initializing this? But of course, R saves her again.

Episode 12

Oh Mint. I always had mixed feelings about her and now i know for what reason. Is she fine? Making someone feel bad for leeting her go by threatening she would hurt herself is not healthy or normal or anything. That's a serious matter. No wonder, Pete feels like his life is messed up and is extremely stressed about it. And then, Mint woders why he's not comfortable at all and doens't see Pete just let her stay out of fear her threat might be the truth. Because he's a nice person. But Mint is just crazy and plays mind games.

I've never seen a drunk kiss be that cute and meaningful. They are just pure. Now, I really know why people love Pete and Kao so much. I already fell in love with their dynamic in Dark Blue Kiss but seeing the beginnings of their relationship tops that. This script is too good. They both know, the kiss meant a lot and I like they are way past the regretment state. Or at least, they don't regret the kiss. They regret they are not in a relationship which makes the atmosphere afterwards more sad and hurt. Again, they are so mature about this.

Mint took a picture? I can't with this woman.

Episode 13

Why did tehy not report Wayu? They are covering up a crime. And Sanwan doesn't seem to be traumatized which makes me wonder a lot. She is more than fine and I'm not buying Wanyu's apology at all.

And now Mint send the picture to Pete's dad. Does she have no shame? It's not her right to out Pete. That's a thing between Pete, his dad and Kao. Mint has and nothing to do with it and shouldn't have ever. She took Pete's power away by letting his dad now. Things were in Pete's hands and I hope Pete will tell mint very clearly she had no right to do that and her behavior is wrong.

Wow, Pat has guts. Telling your best friend you like them even though you know they don'yt like you is very brave. I love Mat being so cool with it because it's obviously a hard moment for Pat to outlive.

Episode 14

I love Pete's dad. They both were so scared but he doesn't say anything and I like what he says. He talks with them like they are adults (which they are) and doesn't talk to them like they are kids who don't know anything. They don't need to be lectured by their parents. They are adults already and make their own life decisions. I like very much he has this calm talk with them and then drops the topic.

Sanson being the first to confess fits very good because mAt is alway the wuieter one of them. This scene is so bittersweet and Sanson is so vulnerable, it hurts my heart. If it stays like this, then it would be a strong statement of the show because not everything works out in the end. You can try, you can ask, but in the end, maybe your efforts were all for nothing.

Finally, Pete calls Mint out. But he forgives her?... But at least, he doesn't want to be her friend any more.

Of corse we have happy endings all over the place.

#kiss me again #dark blue kiss #pete x kao #suddenly phupha and nam(atoats) are there #why doesn't prize just leave? #and what is boss (2gether) doing there? #can somebody please report him? #i still like rain #and mork #and i still don't like sun #but pete and kao are so pure #i can't

[greycappedjester]

Hi I'm so sorry I'm just too shy to ask this on ao3 but I was wondering: how is Slade's relationship with Dick? I don't mind them as a ship in general but in the story sometimes I feel like Slade gets too close to Dick and I thought if there was something platonic on his side? I'm sure you wouldn't do that in the story that's why I'm asking if it's only on Slade's side. Sorry if this is a stupid question lol. Maybe it's just because I've read sl/adedick fics before. ^^D

Nah, I’ve actually been waiting for someone to ask about that. So....it’s complicated and will take awhile to explain so I’m putting it under a Read More before I get too long winded with my character headcanons:

This is going to get soooooo long, lol, so feel free to skim. Warning for Gotham in general and Gotham being naturally a bad place for kid vigilantes to grow up in. Also because this explanation gets somewhat dark in character interpretation....

Bonus short story at the end after a really long post.

-------

Alright, so first, I feel like I should mention again that I never watched the Teen Titans animated show past maybe the first two episodes and the movie my friends wanted me to watch that I don’t really remember. (I meant to watch that show, just never got around to it). I say this because I heard that the Teen Titans TV show portrayed the Dick and Deathstroke relationship much differently in a way that’s cool and fine but not something I can see myself really wanting to write about. I know their relationship more from comics where Dick was already an adult (albeit a young adult) when he first met Slade. 

So. Back to my After the Fall of Olympus universe and yeah, I’m slowly getting to my answer. The thing is....the story is entirely in Dick’s POV right now.

And Dick’s absolutely terrible at reading and picking up any form of affection others have for him. He understands it abstractly (he knows people care) but when assessing, he critically underestimates it if he remembers to account for it at all. This goes even worse with people he’s closer to--which is why it took him forever to realize why Jason actually did want to stay with him at the manor and why he still has no idea Barbara is in love with him. Even Kory who was really, really direct about liking him, it took him years to fully emotionally process and respond to that. He’s getting better...but remembering his own value (in others eyes) isn’t something he’s overwhelming good at doing.

My headcanon, he is abnormally good at reading people and picking up basic sexual attraction. He’s good at telling when he’s being flirted with or when people are attracted to him and, honestly, Dick’s charismatic and instinctively a flirt, too.With that, partly from growing up in Gotham with its weird and supremely dark villains, I think Dick very much divorces the two concepts of romantic attraction and sexual flirting in his mind--he’s aware they can go together, obviously with Kory--but he doesn’t naturally pair them as other people probably would. It’s also part of why he just doesn’t get the level of concern Tim has about Catalina.

Okay, back to my point.

The way I write Slade and Dick’s relationship is actually mostly done off screen. But, I think Slade started with approval of Dick’s skills and potential in a clinical/objective view, growing respect and interest (personal but not at all romantic) in him as a person, and much more recently in the story (as in that last conversation he had in Ch. 18), I think Slade realized he has some legitimate attraction and cares a lot about Dick in a way that’s probably romantic.

Slade also is very, very aware immediately that he’s not going to do anything with that and, in a way, doesn’t want to because Dick ever responding to that would be jeopardizing his relationship with his family, his team, his view of his morals (which are so integral to Dick) in a way that would be exceptionally out of character and concerning coming from Dick. In other words, something happening would be a lot more terrifying than nothing happening and Slade cares.

For Dick, it’s a lot more simple. He does not have any romantic feelings there. He does in a somewhat analytical, unconscious way recognize that Slade’s probably attracted to him (probably before Slade noticed honestly) but he’s....well, kind of used to that at some level. More so, Dick doesn’t connect it to emotional care and--like with everyone else--vastly underestimates that Slade does care about him in a way that’s actually pretty selfless for a mercenary. For a romance, your guess is absolutely right, it’s not going to go anywhere in this series but I wanted the undertones and implications to be there in the final third of the story

....But, that’s also more of a later/recent development in that relationship. For most of the story that’s posted so far, Slade sees his relationship with Dick as a lot of respect and even care but not as romantic in any way. I can promise no romantic undertones at all until Dick was already in his 20s because I really, really am not interested in writing underage. (for those curious about Slade’s age in the story, I think of him as mid-20s in his introduction in Year 3 and pretty early 30s here to Dick’s early 20s)

Above everything, they respect each other and would be almost friends if that were possible.

The team and his family doesn’t know any of this.

Anyway, that was long, so here’s a bonus short story from Slade’s view. I write a lot of After the Fall of Olympus short stories in other charcter’s views that I’m not planning on posting until After the Fall of Olympus.

This one’s between Year 5 and 6 and is titled “October 7th”:

-------

It’s October 7th, almost two in the morning, and Slade’s camped out in a somehow still standing bombed out apartment in a no-name village in the middle of a war-torn country.

He’s not exactly expecting visitors.

There’s a knock on the apartment door.

Slade cocks his gun and puts two rounds in the door before, for good measure, adding matching ones on either side of the frame.

He has two seconds to let himself pretend that’s the end of it before the door knob turns to the unmistakable sound of a skilled lock pick. 

Fuck, he’s too tired for this shit today. 

“Geeze, Slade, what if I’d been an innocent civilian?”

Slade’s hand stills on the gun in surprise then consideration before slowly slipping it back into the holster. 

“Kid,” he greets. “There’s no innocent civilians left around here. ‘Specially ones that can make it to my door without me hearing any footsteps.”

“I’ve been working on that.” Dick says, walking into the apartment. He isn’t even wearing his uniform, just plain black military style clothes with the lower half of his face covered by a piece of cloth. He pushes it down and smiles as he presses the door shut behind him. “You did tell me to get better, after all.”

“Maybe I shouldn’t have,” he mutters without much heat. “You getting better almost left me out of a job.”

Dick rolls his eyes. “Please, as if both of us don’t know Luthor could’ve gotten out of those charges in months. If the Light didn’t erase them for him, anyway.”

Slade shrugs. Maybe another time, he’d find the energy to banter back. But not today. Never today.

“Why are you here, Dick? How’d you find me?”

The smile slides off of Dick’s face, leaving behind those far too heavy eyes to belong to an eighteen year old.

“You know I have your file, Slade.” Dick clears his throat. “I know what day it is.”

….Fuck.

It’s not like he expected anything else. Not since the moment he saw the kid. But, still...he doesn’t want to deal with this. Doesn’t want to deal with anything. Today, he just wants to crawl back into the worst, most deserted corner of the world he can find until the hours creep passed and he can find the energy to move.

Instead, he glares. “Good for you. Now get the fuck out, kid.”

Dick grimaces but shakes his head. “Not until you answer a question for me.”

Slade groans and, for a handful of seconds, honestly contemplates just killing him, considers it in a way that he hasn’t since before he even met the kid, back when he was first handed a file by a practically no name organization called H.I.V.E.

He’d regret it later. Sure. He has too much he wants to see out of the kid to kill him in a shitty, dusty apartment. But, that regret would come later. Later, once this day had finally passed.

That alone is almost enough to have him reaching for his gun. Almost

“Grayson,” he finally grounds out, “if you know what day it is, you know I’m not exactly inclined to play our game of hero and villain right now. You want information, find someone else.”

“Good, I’m not here to play either. Only problem is I can’t ask anyone else, you're the only one who knows the answer.” Dick lowers himself to sit on the floor across from him, like a particularly stupid mouse in front of a viper.

And then, he looks up and his eyes are too steady to belong to prey.

“Here’s the question: Do you really want to be alone today, Slade?”

The breath catches in Slade’s`lungs, harsher than if the kid had just punched him.

He pushes the reaction down, already knowing it’s too late, and says in the steadiest voice he can manage, “Yes.”

Dick stares at him, unmoving. “I don’t believe you.”

The air around them is too tight, too burning, and Slade’s being pushed down under it to suffocate. 

He can’t fight it, so he takes it and pushes it back into anger. “The fuck, kid! What do you know?  You said you have my file, yeah? How long have you had it? Because I’m betting you’ve had it since we first met!” He lunges forward. “So, why are you here now, Dick? What makes this year so special? What’s made you decide to pretend to care now? Because whatever it is, kid, I can promise you, I’m not worth it. So, leave!”

By the end, he’s gripping Dick’s shirt, pulling it tighter until the collar has to be digging painfully into his neck. 

Dick doesn’t look away. “No.”

Slade doesn’t look away either. “You know I really think I might kill you right now.”

“You won’t.”

 One of Slade’s hands moves until it’s pressing into the kid’s neck. A single sharp twist and he could snap it. “So sure?”

Dick nods.

“And why’s that?”

“Because I brought your favorite whiskey.”

A brown bag is pressed into Slade’s ribs and the man feels something rising in his chest that could possibly be laughter if it was some other time.

He drops the kid.

He takes the bag.

“Pretty sure heroes aren’t supposed to be contributing to alcoholism, kid.” He gestures to a half empty bottle of much cheaper stuff beside him.

Dick coughs, rubbing at his throat. “Please. With your metahuman metabolism, I bet you can barely feel it for an hour.”

“Depends how much I drink,” Slade counters, eyeing the bottle. “How’d you know my favorite?”

Dick shrugs. “Gotta keep some secrets to myself.”

He fishes out a spare shot glass from somewhere in the black folds of his outfit and pours a small glass for himself. 

Slade raises an eyebrow. “Last time I checked, you’re still 18, kid.”

Dick gives him an incredulous look in return. “Last time I checked, this place doesn’t have a drinking age...or a government, actually.”

Slade hums, amused, using a larger glass for himself. “True, but thought you’d be following the laws of your own birth city a little closer, hero. Gotham’s still at 21...on the record at least.”

“Technically, Gotham’s not my birth city.” Dick snorts and takes the shot. 

Slade tilts his head. “Where were you born?”

Dick pauses, thinking, before offering a sheepish smile. “You know….I actually have no idea. Somewhere in Europe, probably? I came early, the circus was still on tour. One of the lion tamers helped deliver me, used to be a doctor.”

“Always a surprise, kid,” Slade shakes his head, draining his glass. Tasting it in his mouth and pretending it’s enough to wash away the ash.

The next words come before he can stop them.  “...Adeline always wanted two kids.”

Dick goes quiet.

“Of course,” Slade says to his glass and fuck it, just fuck it,  “turns out we didn’t even get the one. Turns out I didn’t get either my wife or my son.”

Fuck, he hates October 7th.

He reaches for the whiskey, ignoring how his hand shakes. “Addy was a soldier, you know? A good one. Of all the stupid fucking ways she could go, I never thought it’d be childbirth. Maybe I should have. Always knew I’d kill her somehow.”

“You didn’t kill her, Slade,” Dick says softly.

“Sure. Whatever,” he agrees, too tired to argue. It’s not as if he hasn’t heard every variation sometime or another. It’s just right now, he can’t quite bring himself to debate about the cause when the end of it’s always going to be the same.

Dick drops the subject and the relief that Slade feels  is immense enough that it’s close to gratitude.

“What was your son’s name?”

“Grant. We were going to name him Grant.” He takes another sip. “If we had another one, we were going to name him Joseph. Or Rose for a girl.”

“Those are good names.”

He shrugs. “Doesn’t matter.”

“Yes, it does.”

Slade doesn’t answer, looking up to eye the kid over his drink. Dick sees it, holding up his own glass in acknowledgement before knocking it back.

“Why are you here, kid,” Slade asks again. “We’re not friends, pretty far fucking from it last time I checked.”

“I’ve got my reasons,” he answers calmly.

“If you’re here to make your usual sales pitch about the virtues of heroism, I really will kill you. Whiskey or not.”

Dick shakes his head. “....is it so hard to believe I just didn’t think you should be alone?”

Slade thinks his skepticism is loud enough without him needing the words.

The look Dick gives him is steady in return. “Think what you want to, Slade, I know what grief feels like. It’s a poison. It’ll kill you unless you find a way to drain it.” 

Dick looks down at his own glass and Slade gets the feeling the kid’s no longer talking about just Slade. It’s still a tossup whether he means himself or the Bat.

Either way, Slade makes sure his next smirk is particularly pointed. “And, look at you. Tracking me all the way down here to try and save my tortured soul. Such a hero.”

“Oh, shut up,” Dick says with an eye roll, pouring himself another drink

Slade cocks his head. “Speaking of, don’t all the good little heroes have school right about now.”

Dick looks up, almost sheepish. “I’m ditching my classes. Don’t tell my brothers, I’m still trying to be a good influence.”

Slade snorts and takes a particularly long swig.

A good influence. As if a single one of his stupid, fucking team doesn’t think the fricking sun shines out of the kid’s ass.

Fuck. What is Slade even doing? Sitting in a run down apartment in the middle of a warzone drinking whiskey with a too trusting kid a decade younger and that he probably should have killed years ago.

But, then, it’s always been exceedingly difficult for him to do what he should---what’s the sane and logical thing--when it comes to Dick Grayson. And, one day--when he doesn’t have the burn of booze sitting in his gut and his chest doesn’t ache like he’s been shot--Slade’s going to take a hard look at why that is.

For now, he’ll just leave it like he usually does. The kid’s too interesting to die yet. 

Dick eyes his shot glass, contemplatively. “This whiskey’s way too overpriced, Slade. It’s practically aged vodka.”

Slade finishes his off steadily. “Shows you have little taste, Grayson.”

Dick laughs and slides the bottle over. “I brought another one anyway.”

....Far, far too interesting.

#atfo #my writing

[loseeverythingloose]

30 Day Custom Weight Loss Challenge

DAY 6

895 cal, 88 g carbs. (It's low in calories and high in carbs bc I ate too much fruit. I had to skip dinner to not overdo my carbs limit.)

Meditation Challenge: 10 breaths.

Done.

Thinspo Challenge: Do you binge? If so, explain why you think you do.

Do I ever NOT binge, is the question. My whole fucking life is a binge. Like, I'm not even exaggerating, my normal eating patterns are considered a binge. And, not just eating, but I know this question is about binge eating, so I will limit myself to that. When it comes to why I binge, I don't know actually. It's probably just another aspect of this no satisfaction thing. I literally can't feel full unless I ate so much that I have to throw up. But, I'm also aware that binging is an emotional coping mechanism, so there's that too.

Writing Challenge: Single and Happy.

I'm single and not happy. I'm not happy in a relationship either. Even if my partner is perfect and does make me happy, it's almost like I have to ruin it, since it's gonna be ruined anyway. But, I can't stand being alone. Yeah, romantic relationships are only one aspect of not being alone, and they are of secondary importance to me, and yet I can't do shit without hyperfixating on someone. I do want someone in my life, a partner, but I'm so fucking afraid of attachment and commitment. It just sounds impossible. I can't manage a relationship with myself, how the fuck would another person survive me? So, me being single is better for everyone, I guess. Including me. At least until I find someone like me, if there is someone like me indeed. As I said before, it's one of the reasons I want to lose weight; to find someone like me and have real relationships.

Gratitude Challenge: A hidden blessing in a difficult situation.

My hyperfixations. It's always so emotionally, intellectually, even physically draining, especially when it's on real people. Yet, it's the force that drives me. I learn so fast, do things so quick without mistakes, form new habits so easily that I want it to go on, though it is creepy sometimes. And, they always make me discover new things about myself, which makes me think I hyperfixated on that thing or person specifically for that reason. I have a tendency to think it's love or at least sexual attraction when it is a person, but only after I hyperfixated on something or someone else I realize it wasn't. It's really weird. When my newest obsession, Corpse Husband, started, it truly was a difficult situation since my hyperfixations are most dangerous during an active semester. It intervenes in every area of my life, and education is no exception. It's so fucking distracting. So, I directed this force to restart restricting, which is why I'm here, writing this. I think the thing that made me obsess with him was his literally perfect relationships with people. Like, he's not only successful and rich, but he's also very loyal and trustworthy despite keeping his identity private. But, I'm most jealous of his friendships. He is in such amazing groups that are so much fun. I'm really jealous, I admit it. I was always jealous of such things tho, of one of my ex-friends from high school who had a girl group for example. And, if you remember, one of the reasons I want to lose weight is... Yes! To form real human relationships! Especially now that I'm alone more than I've ever been and I'm losing my mind about it! So, yeah, hyperfixation/obsession truly is a curse, but also a blessing sometimes, when I can make this psychological force push me in the direction I want. In this case, losing weight. Though it's probably not mentally healthy, I won't do anything to stop it if it benefits me in any way. It's not like I stalk people in real life, cyber bully or somehow hurt them, smh.

Song Challenge: A song(s) about love.

[mystic-kitten-writer]

Heyy ^-^ So I saw the interactions you have with everyone and you ma'am are an angel! So I decided to pop in haha (sorry if it's an inconvenience,). Anyways I'm really confused about my sexuality :( It's bothering me to the point that I've went days without sleeping because I was too frustrated. I feel like I might be Pan but the term is still confusing to me, (because I only recently looked into it), and I can't ask anyone about it because I'm too scared. So I don't know what to do anymore.

So before I even dive into this, I’m going to put a cute and adorable disclaimer. As I answer this, I’m doing so from the perspective of a friend having a nice chat, NOT an expert.

First off, don’t feel frustrated about being confused about your sexuality! I think I can confidently say that there are many people (including me~!) who spent a good night staring at the ceiling wondering, ‘what the fuck am I?’

Sexuality - it's complex.

And it doesn’t help that society has this weird obsession of placing labels on people and putting us into boxes 🤷‍♀️

So to answer your question of what pansexuality is;

in short, it means that you are someone who can be attracted to individuals of any gender or sex. These attractions can be either/and sexual, emotional, or romantic in nature!

With this definition, I hope it clears a few things. 

Now, something really important to remember is that just because you identify as pansexual now, doesn’t mean you’re stuck with that ‘label’ forever.

I have a friend who always identified as bisexual/pansexual until recently and now he just says he’s gay. Even for myself, I always jumped back and forth between heterosexuality and pansexuality, before realizing ‘yup, I’m pan alright.’

Growth happens, and sometimes, it takes people years while others, days, to find something that they feel comfortable identifying themselves with.

So don’t feel overwhelmed or feel the need that you need an answer at this very moment in time - explore, or you can even say ‘fuck the labels’ and not identify with anything at all!

I hope that eases your heart just a bit because I know how scary or isolating it can feel, especially if you don’t have anyone to talk to! I would recommend some websites and such, but I'm unsure of where you live, but I bet a quick search and you’ll find lists of resources for your country!

Hopefully, this helps, love~! 🥰

[lacrimosathedark]

I dont know if you are asexual, but can you help me? I've been trying to find out if I am asexual, but I dunno if I am or not. I mean it's hard to tell if I experience sexual attraction or not if I've never felt it y'know? If you are asexual how did you find out, if you aren't how can you tell what sexual attraction is? I'm terribly sorry if this is too personal or you don't want to answer, and please forgive me if it is or ive come across as rude

You aren’t being rude, it’s totally fine! I can try to help! I’m demisexual, essentially “asexual until I really like someone as a person”, and I was a very late bloomer to experiencing any kind of sexual attraction at all, the majority of my life is asexual experience, so maybe that perspective can help?

Once I saw the word “demisexual” I knew it was me almost immediately. And there were plenty of signs growing up which I notice in retrospect, so much so that when I tried to come out as nonbinary to one of my brothers and he as kindly as possible called it bullshit (still hurts) he also said that he knew/assumed I was asexual and that he accepted that no problem.

Most basic thing is I only experienced any kind of sexual attraction for fictional characters until late high school, and until then I didn’t know what it was. I couldn’t comprehend it. And for me it was never just an aesthetic thing, it was always tied to an emotional connection. I was/am utterly puzzled by the concept of celebrity crushes and I’ve never really had one. You don’t know them, how could you possibly like them? Yeah, they’re pretty I guess, but is that really all that matters??? The words “hot” and “sexy” were also always weird to me and never really feel right in my mouth. In my rare boughts of sexual attraction to this day I usually say that they’re “very attractive”. I very rarely say hot and I almost never say sexy, but that may also be a personal choice because I’m awkward.

I never understood anonymous sex or cheating or even just seeing a random person and saying how much you’d love to have sex with them. I understand better now, but it’s still confusing to me. Why would you want to do something so intimate (and gross, so many body fluids bleh) with someone you aren’t close to and can trust? Why would you go behind the back of someone you supposedly love just for sex? I seriously am perplexed when people will say just upon seeing someone that they’d have sex with them. I still don’t understand what could possibly be so good about it. Never experienced it personally, but also not in any rush to do so. My therapist also seems low-key concerned that I don’t think sex is necessary for my potential future romantic relationship(s) and I am almost entirely unbothered by the idea of dying a virgin. I actually get worried that in the miraculous event I ever get a partner I won’t be good enough if I don’t feel sexually attracted to them or just in general don’t want sex.

One event in particular I remember, during early high school I had a time period where I would watch Guy Code and Girl Code on MTV whenever it was on in an effort to better understand my peers (and I also thought it was funny sometimes). One day I was watching while one of my brothers, same one who knew I was ace, was doing his homework at the table. They were talking about something sexual, I think it might have been masturbation? It was a long time ago. Anyway. I tend to think out loud, especially when watching TV, and I vocalized my confusion as to why someone would feel the need to do that. My brother asked what I meant and I explained because at the time I didn’t know of the health benefits and I had/have never really felt any urge to do so myself. He looked at me with a sort of confused and bewildered expression and informed me that that was weird. And that was when I realized for the second time that the way I think/am isn’t normal. (first time was when I sort-of realized I was nonbinary a few years prior)

To this day, I’ve only been attracted to two real people, and they were schoolmates who I admired greatly first. I’ve spent most of my life confused by the very concept of sexual interaction, especially without romantic context. But there’s also times when I form romantic attraction only and I will think how much I like someone but the very thought of being sexual with them makes me cringe.

I don’t think there’s one singular asexual experience, but if you rarely or never feel attracted to other people in a way that makes you feel like sex is an awesome idea, the asexual spectrum is a safe bet.

That was really long but I hope I helped? Feel free to message me if you wanna talk things out more back-and-forth, I’d love to help you any way I can.

#asks #asexuality

[prettyuncool]

The truth I would say on dating apps.

Being an 80′s kid who’s been in a relationship for most of her adult life, I now feel like the mother of Goodbye Lenin who awakens from her coma: no freaking idea how to deal with dating apps. I tried a few and lasted just for half an hour each. I had fun in Alienation Nation, but I probably wouldn’t live there, you know. My pictures suck, everybody’s pictures suck, everyone’s craving for some validation and how the hell do I even know you’re interesting with those few lines of bio available. It feels like the startup Pecha Kucha pitch of your own Flesh & Mind™, just as finely organized as in a supermarket shelf. I confess I also had some troubles finding any relevant shit to write about myself. The last time I’ve inquired about my own identity so thoroughly I was a teen and the last time I thought I’d use my identity for romantic-marketing purposes was actually never.

So I spontaneously thought we might be very close to a world where we should want to directly pursue what we eventually get from online networks, i.e. disconnection. I’ve imagined the non-dating app for happily staying away from each other, where everybody markets their worse flaws in their own bio’s. I wrote mine too. And then realized it was uncool anyway, because I don’t have a spectacular sense of self-unworth the same way I don’t have a neat sense of self-worth. Damn.

So I thought about the pure, raw truth. And ended up writing a shit-ton of stuff. I’ll share it with you below. Now, find me an app where I could honestly say it. And maybe some equally awkward matches, too.

---

I am a wanderer. An astrology nerd. A flea market enthusiast. A gingerbread addict. I am a listener. I own an acoustic guitar which I can't play, but it's nice to have guests who play it sometimes. I love Primitivo wine. Also coffee - but I don't drink it, because it makes me freak out. So let's say I love who loves coffee. Black. No sugar. And craft beers. And dark chocolate. I find this shit so sexy! But it makes me feel sick. So I love it in others. Talking about difficulties we're attracted to, huh? I enjoy moody, underexposed photography. Most kinds of it. I'm too broke to own a proper camera, though. Nevermind. I love weird, indie movies. Bollywood cracks me up. I used to be a decent backpacker. I roamed a lot around Europe. I've been told I have a strong accent from Chicago. That's weird, I've never been there. I find marvels in little things. And in big things, too. I am left-handed. I practice meditation, when I can.

I find sciences and arts equally mesmerizing. I'm a serious meteoropath. I may cry over beautiful things. Like sunrise and kindness. I listen to jazz when I cook. Or Bossa Nova. But I'm a terrible cook. Wild strawberries are my favorite fruit. I never find them around. Normal strawberries make me happy, too. My perfume is Hypnotic Poison by Dior. I never change it. I work in advertising, in the creative department. But I feel guilty about it. I also did cognitive research for a while. Now I may start teaching semiotics of advertising at the University of Italian Switzerland. I find Switzerland majestically boring. But I have sweet memories of it, too. I'm both a cat and a dog type. Yeah, I'm an indecisive person. I often tend to overthink. And also underreact. I used to self-harm. My favorite color is yellow. My least favorite sex positions are cowgirl and reverse cowgirl. I never feel a thing when performing them. But I'm fine with most of the others. Men often tell me I look shy at first, but then I'm surprisingly and overwhelmingly sexy. Dude, I have no idea. I'm sure shy when it comes to singing. So I'm not comfortable at karaoke's. I live in Italy, but I have several dream places: Cape Verde, Morocco, Bali, Pakistan, Canada, Oregon, India, Patagonia. I am slightly obsessed over flower essences. There are so many of them! If I fail at my job, I can become a Reiki practitioner. I could actually already do it. I don't regularly swallow cum. Anal sex is fine, as long as it doesn't last too long. My shortest relationship lasted one month and a half, my longest one lasted 14 years. I am attracted to different types of people, with typically recurring features: resilience, emotional agility, curiosity, general culture, effective problem-solving skills. But I am also attracted to more superficial shit, like beards and travel experience, driving ability, cooking skills, basketball playing skills, good taste in wine and stuff like that. I used to fall for rebels, now I just find them funny. I've had several crushes, but fell in love only twice. Both of them used to smoke the same brand of French cigarettes. Curious coincidence. I find emotionally unavailable people ridiculously unworthy of my attention. I have experienced death, illness and loss of loved ones. So I value people's ability to suffer quite greatly. I've never got pregnant, but I used plan B twice. I'm not on the pill, so wear a fucking condom. Tash Sultana's music makes my soul vibrate wild. Other than that, I'm into intimate acoustic indie pop/folk and various kinds of dreamy tunes, more or less. I have unresolved mother issues. Some unresolved daddy issues, too. Whatever. I'm working on it. I definitely can't draw. And my sense of orientation sucks. I am also generally unimpressed by trends. This makes me feel so old. I am often uncomfortable around kids, but deep inside I love them. I may want to become a mother one day, but now is just not the right time. I'm neither a morning person, nor a night one. Let's just agree I'm fucking lazy. I'm a playful type, who may look codependent in love. But I normally lead a very independent life. I wouldn't call myself jealous, either. Yeah, lucky you.

I have a weird fascination for ex-Soviet republics. I wholeheartedly enjoy sex, but I've also experienced sexual harassment and some abuse. So please, be mindful. I love French, Indian, Japanese, Lebanese and generally Mediterranean cuisines. Saffron is probably my favorite spice. I'm a social drinker. I used to smoke weed, but stayed high for four days in a row every time I tried. That made me feel miserable! But if you smoke, that's fine for me. I am a feminist, but I wish it didn't make sense to be one. My sexual orientation is often under debate. I've never had a doubt I liked men, but I sometimes also had crushes, physical attraction and some intimate experiences with women, too. This doesn't always happen, though, so I honestly don't know if I should label myself as bisexual. Frankly, I don't really care. l'm 5'28" and weight about 106 lbs. I have no STD's, genetic illnesses or physical disabilities. I'm myopic, if that counts. My family has a history of breast and cervix cancer, though, so I should be careful. I was born premature, three months in advance. I love reading as much as I enjoy writing. I used to collect crystals, but then I stopped. They're too expensive and often fake. I'm slightly more extrovert than introvert, at least according to personality tests. That's because I'm curious and inquisitive AF. Other than that, I'm pretty quiet. Also easily overstimulated. I've been raised catholic, but I don't recognize myself as one. I deeply respect spirituality in others, though, and I'm craving a religion that makes sense to me. I believe political orientation is mostly a matter of historical and cultural context, but I may have troubles speaking with you if you support any type of institutionalized human submission over others, in any possible world. I also strongly believe that Truth is never relative, but opinion is. That was unrelated, but I find it super fundamental anyway.

I don't consider myself special. I am a very average person. I find peace on sandy beaches. And I love collecting shells from the shore. It reminds me of my childhood.