#but for now i think ill just breathe

[aire101]

It's a good morning

#theres things to be done #but for now i think ill just breathe #good morning #morning coffee #both the coffee and donut are pumpkin spice lol

[partyswirl]

:J

#hermitcraft #gtws #gtwscar #goodtimeswithscar #my beloved mutual i will follow u till the ends of the earth and post terrible things for you. this is actually entirely my fault also #im still shaking and im starting to feel a bit sick like im actually sweating. im getting like fight or flight. idk why im so scared of thj #rambles #any terrible pun i make is ok now this is the worst post. this is the worst one #the rubix cube one is making me so ill like i stop breathing for a few seconds #i think i just forgot the entirety of the past few months. haunting #idec if anyone sees this im having heart palpitations i think my kidneys are fialing. this is so funny to me im so scared

[neilphen]

my beatles now and then mv is done finally! i wasnt able to upload it straight to tumblr cuz its such a big video sorry D: hope you enjoy it :]

#i kinda. hate it AJFHJKSFJA ive starred at it too long i think #my video #ill probably upload a few more videos on here eventually ive got a few in my vault #its not a groundbreaking video i just wanted smth more sentimental to fit the song! thats all :D #i used the blank spaces to let the clips breathe btw its very intentional #anyone else think that ringos drumming at the beginning sound like a clock ticking? me too #ok time to stop rambling HERE IT IS GOODBYE forever... #the beatles #now and then #Youtube #mine

[heyitsmemel]

hi hello gals and gays. Here is a rare wav from me struggling with the flu. The virus has mainly been in my chest but my entire body is so wrecked I was able to induce super easily. No talking bc I’m literally unable to 😭 Do not listen if you can't stand harsh coughing because it gets a bit rough. If it sounds a bit weird the first half of the recording is from yesterday and the second half is from today, bc the coughing is so much worse in the second half lmao. Ok that's it thankkk you for feeding me so good lately tumblr love u all <3

also personal rant about ableism and intentional contagion in the comments :///

#ok like I haven't been this sick in literal years and cuz im disabled i'm super mindful of spreading germs to others. #and i've had some family staying with me so I was like great leave me here to rot in my cave guys #my partner has been rlly attentive and is like i don't care about germs tehe so yesterday he comes into my room #and gives me a bunch of kisses on my head then swoops in and kisses me ON THE MOUTH #like im sorry i've been lying in a pool of feverish sweat for days and can hardly breathe what part of that makes someone go ooo gimme? #like ya hes just trying to love me but i put so much effort into being clean and now i will feel really guilty when he gets sick #sorry not sorry intentional contagion is not cute or sexy at all its just irresponsible #like i would love to live the life where my body works so well that I don't give a second thought to KISSING someone with the flu #i just feel like able bodied people never think about what its like living with a disability or a chronic illness #or have the slightest inclination of how privileged they are #my partner isn't even a fetishit he is just a dumbass #but ya i just wish he and the general population would think more :/ #snzblr #snz #illness kink #snzfucker #snz wav #snzzzzz #snz blog #anyway thats all do what u want with my horn post

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#i walked into a situation today where my mom was effectively already dead. effectively bc her body was and is still alive. still breathing #painful groaning purrs. but her mind was gone yesterday. my dad said he showed her a picture of the mountains i took that day and told her #i loved her and she smiled. thats what he said. maybe he was just being nice. or maybe thats the last time she thought of me. i dunno. but #the human body is an incredible thing. shes got a heart still powering a broken body. too full of tumors to function anymore. stomach #streched like a pregnant mother. it happed really fast and now its happening very slow #im somehow probably better off than the rest of them. i only got here for the aftermath of a downslide. my daily life will b least effected #i only really saw her twice a year living so far away and she didnt text much. didnt call often. so life wont change much ill just kno shes #not there. which is sad. but theres nothing to b done abt it. life goes on. it hasnt been all bad tho. its nice to talk to my family abt her #how incredible she was. bc she was. wish her mom wasnt here tho. she doesn't deserve to b here. my mom wouldnt want her here. she didnt want #her here. but anyway. i wish her body would just let her go now. so we can sleep. so this can be over. so she can rest #but even like this shes stubborn and resilient. they say it could go on for days but i hope not. may the universe let her rest shes gotta b #so tired after 10 years of this. but i have no regrets. she knew how i felt abt her. and i dont think she had regrets either. she did so #much up to the very end. went out on a high note without the burdon of knowing it was coming #i dunno. its just such a strange experience to watch the empty shell of your mother sleeping like a gurgling baby #unrelated

[cosmobrain00]

well🙂

#*visibly trying not to burst into tears* hey guys whats up #surprise surprise another absence bc my life can’t stop getting WORSE evry day it seems haha! #so. now who’s gonna tell me how u deal w the loss of ur fave person n the one person u were 100% certain truly loved u no matter what #who also inspired u to be an artist in the first place n who's been there for u ur ENTIRE life #like idk how to start dealing w it lmao. one min ill be basically okay n then the next ill feel like smthing just tore a chunk out of me #looked outside just a sec ago n thought “oh so she'll never see my progress in art. oh ill never get to make another painting for her” #n yk part of me just wants to pretend like none of it happened honestly #like “hey that was a fucked up dream oh well let me call [x] n tell them I love them” #n I dont fucking KNOW how to deal w this grief n idk whats normal n what isnt #no I havent cried rlly but almost every day I feel like I cant breathe n tht my chest is collapsing in on itself #no I cant talk abt it but i can’t draw like I used to n thinking abt my last art project makes me wanna throw up #< considering it was going to be a present for her tht she'll never get to see. Haha so funny right guys #fuck I need to get so entirely drunk over this now RELAPSING TIME BABY!! #anyways. will try to be normal tm n talk to ppl again instead of isolating as a way to cope n sorry to ppl who have msg'd me Ill be back

[todayisafridaynight]

getting wigs for characters with the same hair color as myself make me feel like the biggest dumbass around but youd have me fucked thinking im burdening myself with daigos 2000's emo cut just for a weekend

#snap chats #a weekend is generous im only going to the con on saturday #i like how im making it sound like anime nyc is this weekend when its at the end of august LMAO BUT NO LISTEN #unfortunately beauty influencers have finally done their job right and this one guy was reviewing an eyebrow pencil #but the twist is that this pencil was like. SUPPPER STUPID FINE im talkin .08mm and he demonstrated how it could imitate stubble #SO OF COURSE. my ass wanted to see for myself cause as much as i like my sponge-stippling method its not super precise #and that shit gets annoying when most of it looks fine but then i press too hard or i angle the sponge wrong and now i gotta start over #In Any Case the pencil i got did exactly as i hoped and its actually p fun putting on LMAO. i prefer how it looks too #anyway how this all relates to this post. im probably gonna go as y2 daigo again for anime nyc in august #and I Repeat im not cutting my hair for that LMAO so. Wig 😩 #i like it when i cosplay him cause i just go by his actual design cause if i even breathe near skinny jeans ill wanna kms #also i just like to be as accurate as i can be yk. plus the leather pants i have are cozy and theyre one of my fave pairs of pants 🤤 #in any case. whenever that wig comes in ermmmmm i dont trust myself to take pictures 😞 my selfie game is dick #maybe ill stream yk2 LMAO but anyway. good night i think im gonna force myself to sleep now #i got back to my dorm like four hours ago or whatever and i am not looking forward to doing school shit again. alongside comm shit #OH WELL we ball good night #wait before i Good Night cackling as i have my meds next to my aoki tablet and plush #great reminder honestly. Take Your Meds Or You'l Convince Yourself To Be A Republican #ok goodnight fr now im gonna giggle and kick my feet thinking of cosplay

[seariii]

I love when pretty people are gay about their fictional blorbos, please keep filling my dash with your love for them <3 we're in the same boat

#now i wanna think about comfy scenarios with koto hehehe #wife <3 #seari talks #like... i can see her stressed out and i just hug her and start to talk to her #we go through the problem at hand and i give her a different perspective and we reach a conclusion #but she needs to rest now because she just keeps running ahead and never stopping #so today she will take a nap andif she cant sleep she will at least relax in my arms #we will cuddle in bed and i fill place small gentle kisses on her face #I'll whisper to her how much i love her and ill hear her let out a small sigh and burry her face on my neck 'i love you too' #ill let her take a rest and be safe in my embrace. a place where she doesnt have to play the role of the hero of the vigilante #a place where she can lower her guard and for a second let herself be vulnerable and know that nothing will happen to her #a place where she will be able to take a breath and trust someone else #'you truly are my angel...' shed whisper after a few moments of silence and id smile and continue kissing her head and gently #caressing her back and hair. hoping she'll be able to take a small nap #seari being gay #< alr that'll be my tag for when i do this lmao

[bunnyb34r]

Wow just fucking wow

I sent in a medical records request in october? To get life insurance through work (why not right?) And my stupid dr never sent them in.

WHY DID I JUST NOW GET A TEXT FROM THE INSURANCE COMPANY THAT THEY JUST RECEIVED MY RECORD?!?!?!??!?!

Fucking unbelievable

#marquilla #they give you like 60 days to get the records. this fucker took like double that. what the fuck. #he's such an incompetent dr as in his office is just so poorly structured that if you do not have them send something in #RIGHT THEN when youre there watching its a fucking toss up if it gets in #and i just never contacted them bc i felt it wasnt MY FUCKING JOB to make sure they got the request that I SENT THEM #and i said well if they get it and i get approved it was meant to be otherwise ill try again some other time. #honestly i only still go to him bc he gave me a disability parking card with no problems like i expected #he was like yeah sure ambulatory cane user yeah you have fibro and cfs mhm got it 👍👍 #where i thought he'd be like weeeell do you REALLY need it? i mean you work without it... (bc i only do 4 hrs and can pace it) #but like god help you if you want a new rx for an inhaler for your well documented asthma 🙄 had to ask my allergist the next time i saw him #like a year later and he was like... what have you been doing without one??? like bumming off mom sgdgdggdgdd and drinking warm water while #breathing very measured breaths like the school nurse made me like sgdggdgd im fine i just want to have a new script so i have refills and #fresh inhalers if i fucking need one but apparently my dr didnt think i did 🙄 my allergist actually called in two shgdgdgd #he was like get this bitch TWO inhalers and an epipen NOW

[thalassic-p4rk]

the spoonie experience is driving somewhere and then having a random flare up and suddenly realizing you don’t have enough spoons to drive home and now ur sitting on the floor of a store getting weird looks while you wait to miraculously gain enough energy to make it back to ur car and then not crash and die

#spoonie #chronic fatigue #chronic pain #chronic illness #? #i think?? #is chronic fatigue in the chronic illness umbrella or its own thing??? #idk i don’t have the spoons for this #the fact that i literally got a perfect 12 hours of uninterrupted sleep last night too #and yet i ate brunch and now i cannot see all the colors are blurring together my eyelids feel like lead #i crave nothing more than to sink into the ground and cease to exist #to sleep and then never wake up #not bc i don’t want to be alive but bc i literally just want to sleep forever simple as that #and i don’t even *want* to sleep either #i *want* to be awake and alive #but the world is like im wearing foggy glasses and breathing is exhausting #OH SHIT SPOONS #SPOON DELIVERY #LETS FUCKING GO #BYE IM RUNNING WHILE I CAN CYA

[hella1975]

what do you plan to do with your degree after uni?

FUCK NASTY!!!

#if i ever touch economics again it's a cry for help like i cannot stress enough how fucking pointless this degree is gonna be #okay deep breath im only being so negative bc im balls deep in exam season. it's a GOOD degree i DONT REGRET MY DEGREE #this will be EXCEPTIONALLY helpful when i go into the working world i am EMPLOYABLE bc of my DEGREE #like economics is a VERY versatile subject there arent many areas of work that econ doesnt apply to in some way #so i KNOW it's a really good degree to have and i can kinda do what i want afterwards #but oh my fucking god. jesus christ. bloody fucking hell #i do however know that in the immediate year after my degree im gonna move back home and waitress full time #bc i just need to like. take some time off education and recover LMAO and i want a space to just tick some boxes i never got round to #like learning how to drive and stuff. and living without having rent to pay in a place im very familiar with will be good #even if i do think it's gonna have it's own struggles. oh hometown blues we're really in it now #but yeah after that year im thinking about maybe doing a masters? but ill have to proper blag it bc you typically have to do #masters in subjects relevant to your degree and i dont want to go within a radiation exclusion zone of economics #so. there's that. do u think if i say please somewhere will let me do a classics masters be honest. if i say pretty please #ask #hella goes to uni

[afieldinengland]

#i just feel bone tired at the moment— i’m working so hard— and the idea of taking a year to i don’t know. get a job / travel a bit / #enjoy doing other things would be good because a) it’d let me go back to a master’s with a clear head #and b) i daresay i’ve earned it. i didn’t take a gap year in 2021 and i think i deserve one now #academia’s not a closed church i can get back in. i think i could put a year out to good use in that regard #i don’t know. what do you think. i went to the open day yesterday and the workload #is certainly intense. the thought of surfacing from this degree and not being allowed to catch my breath #before another one just makes me feel a bit ill. and i’d like to work i’d like to save up

[frecklystars]

i hope ryan gosling has the best birthday ever 🥺🥺💙💙💙

#i have been shedding actual tears over how much i love Ken and Driver for the last 4 days #my god!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #ill literally just be listening to music and thinking about them being sweet to me #and then i start crying. they saved my life. not to be dramatic but YES to be DRAMATIC #I FUCKING LOVE MY BOYS they saved my life this year!!!!! #i am cherishing his characters so goddamn MUCH 😭😭😭 #even when this hyperfixation ends... i will always be so grateful #bc his characters have been helping me thru the worst fuckin time in my life #this has been the worst year. but barbie/ken breathed some life back into me #and now six/sebby/driver/etc everyone is all one by one helping me out #i feel like myself when im with them #i feel like Me again. thats all i can hope for #one day the feeling of safety will not be unfamiliar to me anymore. wont be as foreign of a sensation #and ryan's characters all have a part of it #and no matter what happens in the future im always gonna look back on these characters #and think to myself. oh my god. you. you saved my life. i love you. thank you for holding my hand thru that hell. #woof

[dragqueenpentheus]

to anyone following along. its all good. finally found someone who knew what they were talking about after playing phone tage for days. confirmed not PML. and my JCV is still very low levels. gunna be alright T-T some baby pics too emphasize this

#irl #medical terror #god that was a scary few weeks #i still dont have a new specialist but. theres someone qualified whose actually looking at my case in the same clinic. #ill be passed along to a new one in the same clinic soon but #for now im staying on the meds and just breathing easy for the first time in weeks #gooooood #really nice being able to think about things two months in the future and. KNOW ILL BE THERE!!!!!!!!!

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#if u r curious abt following the saga that is my life: #i did finally accept an official offer from a school this afternoon. which is a huge relief and really exciting #and for once i think i did something that will b good for me in mind and body lol bc i think i could b happy with any of the places i #applied to but this program is most geared to my interests and its in a place where i think i can have fun due to the accessibility #of nature and the mountains haha. like at rutgers i think i could have got a good education and had a lot of opportunities but i think it #would have crushed my soul a lil bc it would b more high pressure and in the city. ya kno? so i hopefully i dont regret the choice lol #i still have to wait on the offical acceptance stuff but now at least i can allow myself to get excited abt the potential project and start #researching. which i mean ill have 5yrs of a phd for that but idk im excited and my life feels so empty and meaningless rn ive gotta take #the excitement where i can haha #anyway housing is gonna b a bitch bc there arent a lot of places available in grad student price ranges in the city to the point where they #said so in the official offer rip. and i have to decide when im leaving the southwest bc i could stay til August or leave in july and take #like a whole almost 2 months to just not b doing anything for a sec. and my dad was like !!! u could go to the crazy state parks #or drive out to the pacific northwest! and that would b amazing but also that sounds so scary to do on my own lol #like i dont wanna b missing and murdered as a youngish non guy traveling alone #but i could do it if i tried im sure. anyway i just wanted to let yall kno #bc im so doom and gloom on here all the time but a transition period is looming so im only stuck here for a few more months #and hopefully itll b a page turn into a happier place haha #watch out yellowstone cyanobacteria. im coming for u >:-] #knock on wood. ya kno. just in case #hhhh at least i can breathe a lil better now i have a direction #unrelated

[seventh-district]

it’s finally getting cold enough that i can bring my cardigan collection back into rotation without feeling like i’m gonna melt into a puddle the second i step outside!!!

#Seven.txt #my face #i have rematerialized back out of the void to once again make my once-in-a-blue-moon selfie & life update post #i’m running on 4 hours of restless sleep and the single banana i ate for lunch earlier today. let’s do this #hrrrrg i hate the lighting in my bathroom but i refuse to take pictures in the absolute Mental Illness Disaster Zone™️ that is my bedroom #anyways. got diagnosed with Mystery Pain Syndrome at the dentist today. so now i take ✨steroids✨ #the less funny explanation is that my tooth still hurts with pressure nearly a month post-root canal and That’s Not Good #so we’re trying some new medications to see if that fixes it. and if not then who knows. root canal pt.2 the sequel. or extraction. sigh #and so the Dental Saga continues. todays visit went quite well in spite of the unforeseen mystery pain delaying the tooth-shaving plans #we had some time to kill so he managed to fill some of my other tiny cavities while i was there today so that’s good #okay moving on. what else. uhh. OH they finally came out and ran the fiber to the house last week!!! now i’m just waiting on one more- #-guy to come and finish the interior install and the long awaited fast internet will finally be mine eheheheheeeee #now i can feel my hours upon hours of unedited gameplay footage breathing down my neck :) #man i’ve got so much stuff piled up right now. i’m drowning in Tasks and it’s a lil overwhelming but i’ll handle it all! eventually #uhhhhm my current writing project is coming along well! i’ve never put so much time and effort into a oneshot before in my life #its a labor of love though and i think i’m gonna be really proud of myself (and the fic) once it’s complete #even if no one reads it bc it’s so goddamn self indulgent and kinda lowkey throws canon out the window but like. fuck it! #if i want Astarion to write a song on piano and perform it for me while mentally taking me on a trip down memory lane. then so be it #fr though i’ve never written anything quite like this and i rlly want to do it justice. even if its unrealistic i still want it to be Good #in other news i received word that one of the chickens i sponsor at my local Gentle Barn has passed away so i had a lil cry abt that #i feel so bad for his little tiny chicken wife. they obviously loved each other and it’s like. so sad when one half of an old couple dies #like. she pulled him out of his depression after his 1st wife died. now who’s gonna be there to pull Her out… #anyways let’s not get all sad about that again. in happier news my cat who i presumed died/got killed has returned home uninjured!!! #after that huge stray dog chased her into the woods i thought we’d never find or see her again #but then the morning after i started grieving her she showed back up hungry as hell yet completely unharmed like the enigma that she is #so that’s one definite highlight from earlier this month. uhh what else. rapid fire summary of the past few weeks let’s go- #Jersey turned 10! Bullet turned 10! my 6 year Veganniversary happened! i’m approaching 700 days on DuoLingo! #i’ve written more than 20 thousand words! i’ve been facing some fears! fighting my OCD! taking care of myself! (kinda!) #anyways things are far from being all sunshine and roses around here but i’m trying to focus on the good stuff for the most part #for now tho i have a headache and have reached 30 tags so it’s time to go shovel some mashed potatoes into my mouth :)