#but i dont want to trouble the staff so i am not killing myself in the middle of the cafe

[yudol-skorbi]

Bitches be like i dont have social anxiety then go to unfamiliar cafe and first struggle to come in for 20 minutes and then turns out this is not like cafe where you take your carton cup and leave or maybe work somewhere in a corner but like cafe cafe and oh god there are a lot of people and oh god i am already here it would be so awkward to turn around and leave and at least there is a big tea menu and i am going to kill myself but first i will drink maybe some tasty tea

I am bitches and i am dying but at least the tea is good

#i just wanted to go to some cafe with my sketchbook #i legit forgot that i am aftaid of unfamiliar places #especially cafe and restauraunts #but i dont want to trouble the staff so i am not killing myself in the middle of the cafe

[witchlockmonsterfox]

Are you okay?

yeah im ok now i just had like an episode not because of the shrooms but because i got into a fight with someone. i also hadnt eaten in a very long time but i finally did. i just went into full lockdown mode of paranoia with my ipad playing on the bed as a distraction huddled up in the corner of a window in the dark watching.

i tried looking for resources but its just, suicide crisis hotlines, domestic violence hotlines, and chatlines for veterans with ptsd.

this isnt related but i keep saying this but i really think there needs to be more recognition of ptsd in response to things like drug addiction and poverty and oppression

there are no resources for these hardly. the people i relate to a lot weirdly are veterans (my judgment about the military aside). i feel like not only is there little recognition for what addicts have gone through as serious trauma, but there’s especially not enough for those who went through the peak of the opioid crisis (which later ended up being during an economic crisis too in 2008 when i was using), and no one ever thinks about like… all the black people who were affected by the “crack epidemic” or whatever in the 80s.

recovery from that was not the same as a war but i mean, a great friend of mine overdosed and died. i had to learn medical skills and deliver medicine and essential items and try to get people groceries. i had to save lives. i had to not get killed. i got assaulted twice. and then during recovery i was with a guy who abused me.

i often didnt talk about some of that with therapists but when i would try to talk about my trauma with addiction they would kind of shut me down, or it wasnt “okay” unless i basically told an NA sob story of recovery and how life was so great now. life was horrible. i was severely traumatized. i wasn’t allowed to tell jokes either, jokes that are just things drug addicts say or joke about talking about their experiences to relieve the stress of talking about it!

people treated me the same way — “i dont want to hear about it”. i understand addiction affects those around the addict but im sorry, it is the addict who suffers “worse”. i think if an addict is in recovery you should listen to them. i just think sometimes people get so obsessed with their own feelings these days they forget about other people. i am feeling that a lot lately. sometimes if you care about someone you have to listen to upsetting things they talk about.

i think people basically blame addicts for their trauma and believe they deserved it, and you see the same when poor people talk about poverty, and black people talk about oppression. i am not saying these are all the same situations, but the reaction from others is similar. it becomes a “blame game” to the other party.

i’m not sure where i was going with this… i am just always asking people to have more respect and compassion to those who are different than you, who have had or have wildly different lives, were systemically mistreated and abused, and recognize there’s big differences even amongst similar groups (like mentally ill people).

i notice there’s so much “boundary” talk these days and “my anxiety” with mentally ill people, particularly those who are white, and to me it feels privileged, especially when my boundaries are never asked or respected. what i went through even systemically?

there were no boundaries, no one cared, and i didnt even get the worst of it. one time i got full body restrained in an ER for 7 hours alone because i took seven klonopin (a benzodiazepine, i was NOT violent and it was NOT lethal nor was i trying to kill myself!) and they denied letting me even make a phone call. that’s just one example. the idea of telling staff about my boundaries and feelings and insisting they respect me sounds outright dangerous. they would abuse you further. i have trouble understanding it.

i’m not trying to be ableist, but i do think someone needs to say all this.

[bangtan-sonyeonddaeng]

Namjoon Scenario| He finds out you’re pregnant after you break up

You panicked when you had missed your period. You had panicked even more when you saw that your suspicions were confirmed and you were pregnant. You and Namjoon had broken up almost a month ago. How were you going to tell him that he was going to be a dad when clearly he didn’t want anything to do you? 

Over the past month he never said one word to you. The breakup was sudden. It hit you out of the blue. You thought everything was going great and then one day he asked to meet up with you ‘to talk’. And that was when he broke your heart. Now you were carrying his child and you were conflicted. You didn't want him to feel like he had to get back together with you just because of some sense of responsibility he felt towards you. So you did the one thing you could think of, call one of the other members and ask for advice. 

You and Jimin still talked occasionally. Which made you wonder at times if Namjoon truly wanted to leave you or if he was left no other choice. Why would his bandmates still talk to you? But you didn’t let yourself ever dwell on that thought for long, not wanting to get your hopes up. You rang Jimin and he  answered after a few rings. 

“Y/n? You never call me is everything okay?” 

“Umm. No not really. Can we talk? I need help.”

“Are you in danger? Did someone come after you? What's going on?”

“Did someone come after me? What? No no.. What the hell should I be worried about that now too?”

“No! Nope uh anyway where did you want to meet up?”

“Can you come to my apartment?”

“Uh, I dont’ know if that’s such a good idea y/n. Someone might see me and follow me. Can we meet at the park maybe? We can find a more secluded area and talk in private.”

“Sure that sounds good.” 

You get ready and wait for Jimin by the river. There’s no one around where you chose to sat. You rub your hand over your stomach, already finding comfort in doing this even though you could only be a few weeks along. Jimin sits next to you. He’s wearing a mask, sun glasses, and a hat hoping to not be noticed by anyone. He has a tea in hand that he gives you and a coffee for himself. 

“So what’s up y/n? Are you in some kind of trouble?”

“I mean it depends.. How do you think Namjoon would feel about being a dad.” He chokes on the sip of coffee he was drinking at your question. 

“What?! Are you...” He glances down at your stomach where your hand is resting on it. “Oh my gosh you are, aren’t you?”

“Yeah.. I just don’t know how to tell him. Should I tell him?”

“Of course you should tell him that’s his baby too!” 

“But he clearly doesn’t want me Jimin. He left. What if he feels obligated to be with me because of our baby?”

“Y/n listen.. Namjoon didn’t want to break up with you.” You blink your eyes rapidly, processing what he had just told you.

“I’m sorry?” Jimin glances around to double check no one is watching the two of you.

“God he’s going to kill me for telling you this... Someone found out you two were dating and threatened to release your information to the press unless we paid them off. The company handled it obviously. But Namjoon was terrified of something like this happening again. He didn’t want to put your safety at risk. So he left you. If someone found out chances are others would too. You wouldn’t be safe going outside by yourself, he did this for you.”

“Well that’s just stupid he should have just told me that. We could have worked through it instead of both being absolutely miserable. At least I have been.”

“Oh, y/n you don’t even know. He’s been so upset since he broke up with you. I haven’t seen him cry very often he’s normally a very strong person but he completely broke down in front of me. He’s not happy about this at all and I honestly think he was seriously considering coming back to you and begging you to forgive him and give him another chance.”  You let Jimin’s words sink in. It makes you happy to know that maybe he’d be willing to give things another chance, but you feel bad that he’s been so miserable.

“I need to talk to Namjoon..”

“I can arrange that. Completely cover your identity and go to the back of the Big Hit building. I’ll make sure you two can have a place to talk.” 

You are sat across from Namjoon now in one of the meeting rooms. You don’t know why you are so anxious. Based on what Jimin told you things should go well when you tell him. 

“You look beautiful by the way.” Your gaze snaps up to him and you feel yourself blushing. 

“Thank you.. You’re still as handsome as always.” You see his dimples form as he smiles at you and it makes your heart soar. 

“So what did you need to talk to me about?”

“Um.. well, okay I’m just going to get right to it, no beating around the bush. I’m pregnant.” Namjoon’s eyes widen as he sits there staring at you, not blinking, just in shock. You’d rather him yell, or something. Just anything would be better than him just sitting there. 

“Namjoon?”

“Hang on.. I’m processing. That’s.. wow. You’re really pregnant?”

“Yes..” He stands up, face still blank and you can’t get a read on him. He reaches you and crouches down, placing a hand on your stomach and rubbing over it. He presses a kiss to your belly and when he looks at you this time he’s absolutely beaming. 

“That’s my baby in there.” 

“Yes it is.” You say with a smile. 

“Oh my god this is.. I’m so happy!” He stands up and envelops you in a tight hug, you reciprocate for a minute but are then hit with the fact that you two aren’t together right now. 

“Namjoon we still need to talk.” He steps away from you, this time sitting in the chair next to you and placing a hand on your knee. 

“I know Jimin told you. He felt guilty and told me he had went to see you. Didn’t tell me what you two talked about. He said it was because he was tired of seeing me miserable and was trying to get us back together.” 

“So what he said was true then? Someone found out about us?”

“Yes. Please don’t misunderstand I only did it for your own safety. People that are associated with us... well they don’t exactly have such a warm welcome all the time. The press would find out where you lived and you would never get a moment of peace. And you’re at that apartment by yourself and I just panicked. I couldn’t live with myself is something happened to you because of me.” 

“You should have told me that then, Namjoon. We could have figured something out but you took it upon yourself to make a decision that effected both of us very negatively.” You know you’re being harsh with him but you need him to understand how much this hurt you. 

“I know y/n. And I am really sorry. If I could take it back I would.”

“So where do we go from here then?”

“Well, I would like for us to be together. Not just for the sake of the baby but because I realize I made a mistake. I shouldn’t have made such a rash decision for the both of us and I miss you.. a lot.”

“But the situation still won’t change? What if someone finds out about us?”

“You can move in with me.”

“What?!”

 “Move in with me. Our building is well protected with security. Myself or one of the guys will probably always be there to watch out for you and if not we can have staff go with you when you want to leave. And plus you’re going to be needing some help once your belly grows! I can give you massages every night, cook for you, make midnight snack runs for whatever you’re craving. I want to take care of you.” He’s being so sincere and you can’t tell him no. Not when this is everything you could have hoped for and more.

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“I’ll move in with you, after we build our trust back up. We have a while before I’m showing and I need time.” He nods in understanding. 

“We’ll work on us first. I’ll do whatever I can to show you I’m staying this time. I won’t leave you again.” You nod, squeezing his hand where it’s been resting on your thigh the entire time. 

“Can I kiss you? Just a quick one. I really missed you and feeling you close to me.” You nod, leaning in to kiss him. When he goes to pull away after a moment you latch onto his collar, bringing him back in and kissing him deeper this time. You missed this just as much as he did. You pull away and both of you are slightly breathless from the kiss. 

“So what do you want to do now?”

“How about to your favorite restaurant and we’ll get dessert too, whatever you want.” 

“That sounds perfect.” 

#bts reaction #bts scenario #bts imagine #bts #namjoon scenario #namjoon imagine #namjoon reaction #kim namjoon #rm #namjoon x reader #reader x namjoon

[aatmenexttime]

A story of mental health vs physical health stigma (warning: Self harm and Suicide mention)

Sorry, I dont know how to do read mores, and there will be a tl;dr at the end.

I am a new social worker just starting my career. I am also Autistic. Autism and the workplace is not always an easy combination to handle. I got hired at an agency without disclosing my diagnosis. They loved how dedicated, optimistic, and how go-getting I was. Aside from my usual social challenges and some nervousness about starting my career, I was overall emotionally stable and able to do my job.

As the months went on, my mental health started to deteriorate. I would make mistakes, which was expected for someone new, and be hard on myself when I did. I was disgusted by my coworkers ignorance and lack of compassion for our clients. In addition, my coworkers did not understand my mannerisms, my style of working with clients, and my ways of trying to connect with the other staff. They started talking down to me, shushing me, and spreading rumors about me, such as that I liked eavesdropping on conversations( and when this happened, I ended up being the one apologizing for any misunderstandings). When I was there for around 3 months, I started self harming and having thoughts of suicide. My boss knew about the trouble I was having with them, and was concerned that I was not the happy, determined person I was when she hired me, but she encouraged me not to quit because I was good at what I did and "fuck them". So I stayed and tried to make it work.

Fast forward a month. My coworkers asked me if I wanted to join a potluck. Every payroll for 10 payrolls, we would all put in 50 dollars, and someone would take home 500 dollars. Convincing me that it was a good idea for all and that it wasnt illegal(which I later found out it was, and quit when I did but I digress), I agreed to join. I was scheduled to be the 3rd person to receive the pot.

The first pot came and went. A few days before the second one, I put 50 dollars in my desk so I wouldn't have to go to bank later. Of course, I did not anticipate that the day before the second pay day, I would have suicidal thoughts, and chose to spent the night in the ER so I would not act on them. One of my coworkers, the other social worker, escorted me and was supportive. Or so I thought at the time.

The next morning, I remembered the money, and called and told them where it was. I took the next week off of work at the request of my boss. I got a call in the middle of the week from a coworker who did not know exactly what happened but thanked me for being "responsible and remembering my share"

I came back to work the week it was my turn to receive the money. That Tuesday, one of my coworkers collapsed in her office and spent the rest of the week in the hospital. Obviously, I had to wait a couple of days to receive 50 bucks from. No biggie, these things happen. Noone else blamed her either.

Unfortunately, my suicidal tendencies started to get worse. I was getting set off by little shit and I wasn't just having thoughts anymore, I was acting on them. Thoughts such as "that's not really that big of a deal, but you should kill yourself anyway". The day before the fourth pot, I got triggered, and I started to hang myself in my office, before having a "what the hell am I doing?" and I drove myself to the hospital. You know, what people told me was the brave thing to do when having suicidal thoughts. I didnt want to die and I didn't want to hurt my family. I signed the form to have myself voluntarily admitted and was in the ward for a week.

Unfortunately, this time, I forgot the money before going. I got calls and texts from multiple people that morning asking where I and the money were.(I was not allowed to have my phone but I briefly saw this when my mom snuck my phone in.)

Someone blabbed that I was in the psych ward, and everyone knew. I didnt really care about that. Still, one coworker told my boss, who was hearing about the potluck for the first time, that I should have been "more responsible" because she organized it and I "I made a commitment".

That's right. I could have died, and all they cared about was how I was selfish to forget the 50 dollars and should have planned better.

When I was released, another coworker, the one that supported me by taking me to hospital the first time, my coworker who is a MENTAL HEALTH WORKER like me, that talks about stigma, texted me, saying, and I quote, " It’s not fair to your family if you choose to make that choice you are thinking about. And, Its not fair for you to put us at a disadvantage financially because of your maladaptive choices"

Less than an hour after my discharge, I went to the bank, withdrew all the money I received from my turn, stormed into the office with everyone there, stumbling from being medicated, in my sweatpants, unshaven and my hair uncombed, slammed the money on the desk, said "I quit" (referring to both my job and the potluck) and stormed out.

I later formally resigned and am on good terms with my former boss, who was disgusted by what happened, but I blocked several of my former coworkers from contacting me. I could not believe how vile they were.

The td:lr is when my coworker got carried to the hospital on a stretcher because she couldn't walk, and when I drove myself because my brain was tormenting me, we were both sick. But only I was selfish and irresponsible because my sickness was not visible to others.

This stigma and ignorance is dangerous. It's one of the reasons why people do not know someone they love is suicidal or sick until it's too late. It needs to stop, and I'm speaking up.

#mental health #mental health stigma #actuallyautistic #suicide mention #suicide tw #self harm #double standards #depression #anxiety #social anxiety #ignorance #i understand that sometimes because with physical health conditions still get shit #but thats not the point #so dont start

[agunshotisheard-thensilence]

i watched the movie to the bone tonight on netflix and for whatever reason i started to really think back on the time that i was hospitalized. i remembered that not too long after i was released there was a kid who killed himself while he was in there and the hospital was being sued for it so i decided to look this up and found yet another case where a patient died while under their care. apparently a lot of people are very unhappy with the way this hospital is run and how they people individuals to the point where there is an entire blog solely dedicated to peoples stories of their time and their experience there. reading through these really made me think about how it was while i was there and i dont think i really knew it at the time, but it was not run well and things happened that definitely should not have. i mean for one the staff basically did not care how they treated us and so when someone acted up they immediately decided the person needed a shot, which we all called “booty juice” i think, which you know was probably some kind of tranquilizer if were all being honest. but so many of the situations where i saw it used, it was definitely unnecessary. even the psychiatrists didnt care. they just wanted to take the easy road. maybe the second day i was there the psychiatrist i was assigned was talking with me and after me making one comment about having trouble concentrating sometimes, he decided that i had adhd and then prescribed medication for it. i did not then and still do not now have adhd, taking that medication was completely unnecessary and i should not have been on it in the first place. the entire time i was in there my parents were trying to get me out because they did not want me to stay there any longer but the hospital would not release me for reasons that they were never clear on. just the way we were supervised was really lenient, like we got away with a lot of things that should have been pretty obvious we were doing and knowingly did when we shouldnt. i guess im just thinking about how me staying in that place really did not benefit me much at all. yes i got out and continued to go on whatever path i was on until ive now gotten to where i am now, but i dont think anything would have changed if i hadnt been there. i honestly think being hospitalized was a needed thing cause i dont know that i would have kept myself safe, but i really should have been somewhere else cause that place was not good. i know not everywhere is going to be perfect, but when you are working with those who are mentally ill, there truly needs to be a standard of professionalism and caring because we need to feel as though we are cared for and when the staff that is suppose to be there for us basically doesnt give a shit it really does not help with any kind of healing. 

#personal #read more #hospitalization #thinking back #to the bone

[heroofthelostones-blog]

Chapter 2: What do we do now?

 +Yuu+

Kota and I split to do two different jobs. Kota wouldn’t tell me what he was going off to do, but I trusted him to get it done. He told me to meet him outside of the Angel’s domain after i finished my more than basic task. I was told to find some bandits who stole from the village people we were hiding in.

“Aaaaaah,” I sighed loudly, “Damn bandits.” I walked a trail that the village old man pointed me to and said they went off that way. This seemed to easy of a job that i didnt even wait till nightfall to jump them or stealth around them. I saw a raggedy set up camp in a field. Three men were sitting on the ground rummaging through some things. “Hey!” I shouted out to them, “you the bandits who stole from the village just behind me?”

The men turned suddenly at my voice and pulled out knives, swords, and a bow. “Who are you?!” One of them asked.

Walking closer to them, “my name is Yuu, im here to take what you stole.”

“Stop right there or we will kill you!” another spoke, pointing a knife at me. “Actually, we will kill you anyways.”

“I won’t be the one dying this evening.” I spoke lowly, looking at their feet then back to the three men. “Bandits who attack innocent villages are no better than shit.” I glared at them, sticking one of my hands into a pouch on my lower back. “So before you even attack me, you’ll be dead.” purring loudly, i grabbed a small ball from my pouch and swiftly threw it in the direction of the bandits. Pulling my collar up over my mouth and nose i back away some. The ball shattered once it hit the ground, engulfing the men in a poisonous gas. So poisonous it was pretty much the victim who smelled it was dead the moment they breathed in. The bandits choked violently, coughing hard, then one by one dropped like flies. Rummaging through my bag again, i threw a small vial on the ground the was meant to counter the poison, making sure it didnt carry off in the wind and kill others. Waiting a few moments, i went to the camp and squated down looking at all the stolen goods. Everything i was told was here, Looking around I saw no Horse or carriage to carry it all back in. “damn, I cant carry this by myself.” I stood up, scratching my head. Sighing i went to grab some sticks and piled them together to make a fire. I had told the village people to look for this signal. A few young men came to help me carry it all back to the town so the villagers could collect their belongings.

“Thank you so much young man.” The elder man spoke to me.

“Its no problem!” I smiled at him, “it was my pleasure to help.” purring happily.

“We are glad such good men still exist in this world.” He smiled at me and pulled a small bag from his pocket, “we are not a very promising village and can not reward you with more, but i do hope this is enough.”

Taking the pouch from the man,i smiled and bowed my head, “this is plenty sir. I do not wish to steal from your village like this men did.” I stood straight again. “I hope your village prospers greatly and good luck.” I left the village to venture to the Angel’s domain.

The trip was not a very long one when i turned into my small cat from. Taking a few breaks here and there then going back on my way.  I reached the outer wall at a decent time and waiting out for Kota to do what ever he was doing inside there. I dont know how long i was waiting outside until I heard a shout above me.

“Heads up Yuu!” Kota shouted from above me and jumped off a balcony, “Don’t they know to never trust a fox,” He said as he made his way out of a tree.

 “Kota, you’re being so careless, you could have been severely injured,”  I looked at him, frowning a bit that he could have been hurt by that jump.

 “Ah come on Yuu, those fucking Angels don’t know what hit them. Plus, maybe they should keep an eye on their power source and not let it run low,” he replied and walked with me, brushing off my concern for him.

 “You know that they’re going to find out that you stole a chunk of the Dire rock,“ Kota and I took off from the angel’s domain to get away before anyone could find us.

 “We’ll be long gone and cashed in by then. Angels are so dense when it comes to their own pride. They didn’t even see me sneak in. Fucking high celestials think they’re all that. Can’t even detect when I fox is conning them,” Kota was laughing now, extremely proud in his results.

 “We have to work on your cockiness,” I sighed loud enough that Kota could hear me but i didnt look at him,

 “What’s with the face? Come on, we’re partners, don’t sulk like that, it makes me feel like I did something wrong,” Kota sounded concerned when we went around a tree.

 “Your cockiness is going to get you killed one day, don’t you get that?” I spoke back to him, hoping he doesnt brush me off again

 “Yuu, I’m cocky because I know they can’t catch us and we can get out of anything being together. No one can stop us!”He was so proud in what he did, way too proud about this. “We’re an epic team, we’ve gotten away with a lot of shit.”

 "That’s the whole point, Kota. At some point karma’s gonna come and bite us in the ass really hard,” I was getting slightly more upset by all of this now.

 “Look, we’re almost in town. Once it hits sundown we’ll set out again. If we have to then we’ll set out in our animal forms and we’ll chill like that for a couple of days.” Kota tried to reassure me.

 “Then how are we going to hide the bag?” I asked, slightly peeved.

“Simple, we have magic on our side,” He held up one of those damn leaves again,  “Unless you would rather we transform into women.”

 “No,” I answered him flatly, and very displeased in that idea. I noticed Kota’s ear twitch, then mine did a second later at the sound something coming down. We moved away from each other before we were hit with the impact of the thing between us.

 Between us stood an angel. A fucking Battle Angel. AN ANGEL OF ALL THINGS. And he was a fairly big angel, very built and broad. All i could see was his back that was mostly exposed because of his large white wings, his back had such defined muscles that it made me wonder what his front looked like.

“Hand over the Dire rock and I’ll kill you,” the angel spoke up, very deeply. He only looked at Kota like he was completely ignoring me.

 Kota and this angel exchanged words while i sat quietly behind the angel. Kota looked over to me when the angel seemed distracted by an ear piece. We didn’t have to physically speak for us to know what the other was thinking. Putting my hand in one of my pouches i pulled out a basic smoke bomb, holding it in my hand ready for the signal. I could have used a poison but Kota and I were too close to this angel and would have risked ourselves as well. When Kota brought his leaf to his lips is when i threw the bomb to break at the man’s feet. When it shattered both Kota and i split up from the angel. Before i knew it, Kota threw the bag he was holding to me then was tackled by the angel.

I held the bag tightly and close and ran away from Kota and the angel. I didn’t want to leave Kota but i knew he would get out by himself somehow. Darting between some bushes, i tried to find a hiding spot. I stalled for too long and heard someone coming at me really fast. Tackled to the ground by a man I was pinned to the ground with my hands behind my back, and a hand pressing my face to the dirt. Turnin I saw A new angel holding me down. He had shoulder blade length brown hair and and bright pastel red and pink eyes. He was dressed differently than the other Angel, he had on a light blue skin tight top and black leggings on with black shoes.

 “You aren’t who i was looking for, but you must be associated with him to have the Dire rock on you.” He spoke smoothly. Leaning down closer to my ear.

 Panicking, I shouted, “KOTA!” I couldn’t get out of this one on my own, and if Kota ditched his angel he’d come find me. Kota came running up and slid to a stop when he saw the Angel and I. But before he could act the original angel came back again and tackled Kota to the ground once again. Kota seemed to finally give up and put his head to the ground. Sighing heavily, i loosened up under the angel and let my body lay limp on the ground like Kota was doing. We couldn’t get out of this one.

 We were taken to the queen of the angels. The room decorated in white marble walls and gold detail. The queen herself seemed to be apart of the decoration. She sat still in her chair with a deadpan face. Yet she gave off the very intimidating aura. Once we got close enough different Angels pushed us down to our knees in front of the queen and stood behind us as our hands were bound.

 “Dakota Rose. Kitsune of one tail, your actions against the Angels is a high offense,“ the queen spoke, but only too Kota, "Though, our laws state that you must serve in prison for committing such a crime, with your reckless actions and endangerment of a dear friend, I feel that it not enough of a punishment for you.”

 “But ma’am,”I tried to speak out of turn, but my voice did not faze the queen one bit. She ignored me, just like the previous angel.It was a bitter feeling.

 “As such, I feel like you need to learn a different lesson,” her raised hand had a bright beam of light come out of her index finger and swiftly shoot from her finger and hit Kota in the head.Kota fell onto the floor in an instant.

 “k-kota….Kota?!” I felt my heart sink to see my best friend passed out beside me. “Kota, wake up….Dakota…..Dakota!!” I started yelling, feeling tears build up in my eyes. I shifted to lean into him and look at his body, I couldn’t see his face but i didn’t see blood. Turning to look at the queen, “what did you do to him?!” I yelled, “What the fuck did you do to him you?!” tears started running down my cheeks, and i bared my teeth at her, getting up off my knees to only have an angel grab my hair and pull me down, “ Did you kill him?!” I continued to shout, my voice breaking as i yelled. The guards got defense and ready to stop me if i continued to struggle. “ANSWER ME DAMN IT!”

 “He is not dead.” she said calmly, unfazed by any of this. Her hand set back down on the arm of her chair. “Look.” she said.

 Looking back over at Kota’s limp body, I saw a light come from his body. It was an almost blinding white light that covered his whole body and his body changed to a small size. When the light dimmed and disappeared, Kota was in his fox form. He still laid there still in his little black form.

 “Kota? What happened to him?” I asked softly looking at his body, “that wasn’t how he transforms.” the guard let go of my hair as i finally calmed down.

 The queen was silently talking to a guard who was beside her and listening to her. The angel soon left after she finished speaking.  “This is his punishment.” she returned her gaze back to me.

 “I...Im lost?” I frowned at her. “How is this a punishment, hes stuck in his fox form?” I looked back at Kota’s body. “Thats not really something he’d be overly upset about.”

 “Wait, child.” she said calmly and stared at us with the same deadpan face.

 After a few minutes the same angle from earlier came out of a large set of doors with the guard who left earlier. He seemed confused and just as lost as i was. He walked up beside the queen and kneeled down, “your highness, you summoned me?”

 “Yes.” she looked at him, “I need you to use your gift on that black fox.”

 He looked up at her then over to me and Kota. “the fox? Shouldn’t he be locked up?” He asked and the queen looked at him with a raised brow as if he asked a stupid question, which he did. He looked at her the same way, disgust on his face and very confused. A guard hit him lightly on his back and he put his head back down, “I am sorry your highness, What is it you need me to do?”

 “There are two souls in that body, i need you to pull out the one that is not his.” she blinked and sighed a bit, “this is his punishment.”

 “Yes Ma’am.” he bowed his head again and got up and walked to us. He looked at me with disinterest and kneeled down to Kota’s body. Picking him up by the scruff of his neck with his hand that didnt have Tattoo’s on it. His tattooed hand glowed lightly and he put his hand against Kota’s chest and his hand slowly fazed through into his chest.  The Angel looked so displeased in doing this, while i was watching with the most confused look. Slowly the man pulled his hand out of Kota’s chest. “Is this the correct soul?” he asked, turning to look at the queen and she nodded slowly. He then put Kota’s body down softly and was holding onto a ball of bright white light. Holding it with both of his hands, it grew in size slowly and as it got too big to hold he set it down gently on the floor. The size of it got to about a human size and shape and soon after it dispersed and then Kota’s human body laid there.

 “What the hell?” I asked looking between the two bodies. “How, what, two souls?” I started freaking out, “what did you do?”

 “I took the extra soul out of his fox body and this soul took the form of his human.” the angel said and stood up. “Am i finished here?” he looked back at the queen.

 “No, you are not.” she answered him. “You, Sariel, will take these three to a room and stay with them until told other wise, by me.” she said calmly. “Unchain the cat.”

 A guard took the bindings off my hands and i grabbed Kota’s little fox body and held him in my arms. “Who...is in his body?” I asked.

 “You’ll see when they wake up.” she said, “Sariel, take the human body and go.”

 “Yes, your highness.” He said and lifted Kota’s limp human body into his arms and threw him over his shoulder. He turned to the queen with a confused look. “Follow me, cat.”

I got up with Kota in my arms and followed this angel named Sariel. Guards walked behind me as Sariel lead the way. He went to a room that had a guard outside of if it, nodded and the guard opened the door and he walked in. I cautiously walked in after him. The room was fairly bland compared to the room we were just in. It was still nice looking and all, but did not have that marble wall and all the gold detail to it.

 Sariel put Kota’s body on the bed gently and turned to me, “sit.” he pointed at a chair. “They will awaken soon.”

 I eyed the chair he pointed at and sat down with Kota’s fox body on my lap. “Whats going to happen?” I mumbled.

 “I dont know, we wait until they wake up i guess.” He walked over to the wall by a window and leaned against it. “Until then, we stay here. No more questions, i dont know anymore than you do.”

 “But i have-.” I spoke and got a pissed off glare directed towards me.

 Sariel hissed, “No more questions.”

 “Fine.” I sighed and stroked Kota’s soft black fur.

 When will they wake up? How is Kota going to react to this? Who is in his body? Whats going to happen to us, Kota and me, the new person and this angel?

----------------------------------

-Sariel-

I darted my eyes from the left to my right, Staff coming down at me from my left, another man coming at me with just his fists. Grabbing the staff above my head with my free left hand, I brought my right leg further behind me and extended my right arm out, hitting the man right in the gut with my own staff.Moving my left leg in front of me to spin around. I brought the man holding the staff with me and threw him to my right side in front of me, his face hitting the dirt first.. The man who was hit in the gut with my staff was swiped around behind me landing on his back with a thud. Lifting my right arm up, i brought my staff down into the palm of my left and aimed at a man who was about to charge at me. He stared at me in shock for a second, then readied himself again to charge at me with just a sword in his right hand. Spreading my legs apart to shoulder width, i stood my ground ready to fight the man coming at me. He brought his sword above his head, seeing my opening i swung my staff to nail the man in the side of his body. He shifted to the left trying to regain his balance. Bringing the right side of my staff up, i swung it up to hit his wrist. Missed, he backed away from me, throwing his sword to his left hand.  He had a smirk on his lips, his right hand motioning for me to come at him. Bringing the left side of my staff up i aimed for his head, parried by his sword. Swung the right side up, parried. Spinning around, i brought my staff down low, hitting his thigh and sweeping him off his feet. His hands moved behind him, doing a handstand before flipping himself back up onto his feet. He flipped his sword around him before lowering his body a bit. Lunging forward, i jabbed the end of my staff at his chest. Forcing him to back further away from me He shuffled to his left, circling around me. Keeping my stance i followed the way he was walking, but staying in the same spot i was standing in. He lunged his sword at me like i did my staff to him, turning my body i avoided the sharp object. The man smirked, charging at me, leaping to get air above me. Bringing my staff up above my head, his sword hit solid into my staff. His wings out to keep above me, he jerked his sword to realize it was stuck in the wood of my staff. Smirking up at him, I swung him to my left low so he’d hit the ground beside me and not too far from me. When his back hit the ground, i halfway spun away from him to get his sword out of his hand and off my staff. Turning back around i hit the ground beside his neck with my staff, far too close for comfort.

His hands came up, “surrender! I suddener! chill Sariel!” the man shouted, a small nervous smile on his lips.

“Sorry, Nath.” I moved my staff away from my neck. Twirling it around to rest on my shoulders, bringing my arms up to rest, the staff wedged between the bends of my elbows, “got carried away.”

“I can tell.” he got up and brushed the dust off his body. He looked over to the other men who laid on the ground to watch, “you deserve to be a battle angel.” He looked back at me.

“I know, but father doesn't agree. Wants to raise me like an archangel.” I sighed and looked down at the ground. “I keep trying to convince him, i finally was able to get him to agree to let me train with you.”

“Its alright man, we’ll get him to change his mind.” Nath, or Nathaniel, put his hand on my shoulder. Nathaniel was one of my childhood friends, he was always with me when he were younger. He’d sneak me off from studying to go play in the courtyards. But when we came of age we were separated for a brief amount of time. Nath was chosen to be a battle angel, while i was to be an archangel. This made neither of us happy, but me so more than Nathaniel.

“We should go cle-.” I was cut off by the sound of alarms going off.

“Battle Angels! Move out, there is no time to get ready! You must move out now, Find the black fox with the Dire rock! I repeat, find the black fox with Dire rock!” someone was shouting through the whole arena.  Nathaniel and i stared at each other fairly confused, then darted off to leave the training arena. Nathaniel sheathed his sword and grabbed his shield and put it on his back. I held my staff in one arm carrying it by my side.

“You’ll get in trouble if you do this!” Nath shouted at me.

“Im going! Im going to prove i can do this!” I yelled back at him, “this is my chance, help me please!” I looked back at him. I need nath to help me capture this man.

He smirked, “of course!” he said confidently.

“thank you!” I smiled back at him. We split up to cover more ground when he hit the balcony areas. Putting my hand on the railing i swung my body over and flew off to search the forest area around out domain. Flying over a decently open batch of trees, i saw man with pastel purple and white hair, talking to a man with black hair and a black fox tail. “Found you.” I whispered to myself. Diving down i landed between the men, dust cloud coming up from my impact. I looked around me, the men had separated themselves from me. “Hand over the Dire rock and I’ll kill you,”

“Isn’t it supposed to be hand over the rock OR I’ll kill you?” the black fox spoke, holding onto a bag that must hold the dire rock.

“You are a thief that has greedily stolen from us after we allowed into our domain. You WILL pay for your crimes.” I clenched my staff, bringing it up closer to my body.

 Standing up with a questioning look on his face,  “I am a thief, yes, but I had a job to do good sir, and I always like to please my customers.” he seemed to be boasting about his job to me, thinking that this is a good job to be in.

 “Sariel! You get your ass back in the castle!” A familiar pissed off man spoke into my ear. Bringing my hand up, i twisted my face into a sour look. “You are so close to being forbidden to even leave your living quarters! You will receive a very minor punishment if you return now, disobey me now and you will suffer a more painful punishment!”  I opened my mouth to protest, but i could not get a word in with this voice yelling at me. I was getting so pissed i completely forgot about the men in front and behind me, that before i knew it a black cloud engulfed me. Spinning my staff around my body to disperse the smoke, i see that the men have moved.

 “Nathaniel! Come to me!” I yelled, I knew Nath would hear me and find me. Getting pissed, i darted after the black fox. Tackling him when i catch up to him “There’s no use in running, I WILL catch you no matter how far you go.”

 “Could you get off, please? I’m not a fan of large men. I like them more lean and flexible if they’re going to top,” he spoke up to me, sounding displeased. I stared at him fairly confused. Then his legs came up and kicked me in the chest. I rolled backwards onto the ground and the fox was running again. He darted off into the direction of the other man’s voice.

 Running after him, I tackled him yet a-fucking-gain. Placing my staff firmly into the ground beside his face as i could possibly get it, I stared over him, “Game over,Fox.” I hissed out. I looked over to see who pinned the other man. It was Nathaniel. He held the purple cat’s hands behind his back with one of his hands and had his other hand pushing his face into the dirt. He looked up at me with a small smile and nodded his head.

 When we arrived back at the Base, the purple cat and black fox were taken from Nathaniel and I by higher ranked guards to monitor them. We were told to go back to our quarters or anywhere else aside from the general area of the throne room unless we were to be summoned. Nathaniel stayed with me as made our way back to the training grounds. It sounded like a bunch of the other Battle angels had gathered within the training grounds. We stopped at the doors and Nathaniel put a hand on my shoulder before he opened the door. When we walked in and the others had heard the door opened, the arena was filled with silence from all the backs we saw turning to face us, Old man Conah was standing in front of them and he shoved between some of the others and started yelling.

 “Sariel!!” he yelled in a deep voice and came walking towards us with a very angry look on his face, if you couldn’t tell from his tone of voice. “What the HELL WERE YOU THINKING?!”

 “Ah sir, Sar was very-” Nathaniel spoke up and stepped forward.

 “Speak once more Nathaniel and you’re going the same punishment!” Conah pointed a finger at Nathaniel. Nath looked away from Conah and backed up away from us. “Sariel, What in the hell did you think when you stepped out of the kingdoms walls?”

 “I followed orders to capture a certain black fox.” I said calmly, standing at attention when Conah was inches from my face.

 “Orders?! You HAD no orders, child!” he sighed heavily and put his hand over his face. “Do you understand that you are not in our rankings?” he said low and calmly.

 “Yes sir.” I nodded, staying at attention.

 “Then why do you do things like this?” He finally looked at me with a calmed down expression and his arms crossed over his chest. “You know you are an important person, dont you?”

 “Yes sir i do.” I looked down at my feet. “But i dont agree with where ive been placed.”

 “Its not a choice, Sariel.” He sighed again, putting his callused hands on my shoulders and gripping my shoulders. “Do you know how much trouble I’d be in? How much the whole Battle wing would be in if you were hurt?”

 “Sir, i know, and i understand that.” I looked up at him once more. “And i plan to take all responsibility for what happens to me.”

 “Then be like your parents, child!” Conah started shaking me by my shoulders. “We all care for you here, especially me. I trained you since you were young, even when i knew i shouldnt have been and i know i should get onto you every time i see your ass in here. You are a very skilled fighter and a damn good one, id gladly take you under my wing.” he let go of my shoulders and reached up and put his rough hands on my neck, his fingers touching my jaw and held my face firmly but gently in his hands. “But you are not a Battle Angel, sariel, those orders arent yours to follow.”

 “I know sir…” I paused and took in a deep breath, “but i want to be, and i plan to prove that i belong here and that we should not all have to be told where to go in this society. The Archangel life is not for me. To protect my Family and friends, my home, my queen...that is what i believe i am meant to do.”

 Conah sighed loudly and let go of my face, turning around and running his calloused hands through his salt and pepper-y hair. Holding up one finger and shaking it lightly, “one more chance.” he said before turning just a bit to face me and shook his finger once again. “You get one more chance to prove you belong here. I will convince the others to allow it.”

 I couldn’t help the big smile that crept up onto my face before launching forward to hug Conah. “Thank you sir! I’ll prove I belong here, then convince that this system is wrong!”

 “Dont get to ahead of yourself child.” He put a hand on my back. “And i am also suppose to be  punishing you, you know this right?”

 “Yes sir, ill do anything!” I held onto him tightly, placing my arms on his biceps.

 “You’re cleaning this whole arena for a week.” he stared me down with a stern look then lightened up with a smile, “and you will be the defensive practice target for the others when you finish that cleaning.”

 “Yes sir, ill do my best!” I hugged him tightly one more time. “Thank you so much sir.”

 “Sariel, you do know this is a punishment?” He laughed lightly and hugged me back.

 “Yes sir, i do.” I finally let go of him and stood at attention.

 “Good, then you will get started at the beginning of next week.” old man Conah straightened his clothes out and stood up straight.

 “Yes sir.” I nodded and smiled at him.

 He nodded in return then proceeded to turn and walk away from me. “Oh and if anyone needs target practice that begins today.” He turned and looked at me with an evil smirk.

 “Yes sir!”  I responded back.

 “I CALL DIBS FIRST!!” Nathaniel yelled from behind me and put a hand on my shoulder.

 The doors of the arena swung open. Nathaniel and i both looked back behind us to see some guards come walking in. “Sorry to disturb but the Queen has summoned for Sariel.”

Everyone in the arena started to murmur to themselves, wondering why the queen had summoned for me.

 “What for?” I asked stepping up closer to the guard who spoke.

 “She did not specify why, only that she required you.” he said flatly, “Now come with me. We do not want to keep our queen waiting.” He turned and walked out of the arena.

 I turned to look at Nathaniel who only shrugged his shoulders at me. He didn’t know what was to be expected for me either. More than likely this was going to be yet another punishment thrown on top of me. I smiled at Nathaniel before walking out and following after the guard. The walk to the throne room was not a long one but it was filled with silence. The guards who acted out the queens demands were known not to be very social angels, and were very strict with their duties. When we entered the throne room, i looked to see that the purple cat from earlier was still chained up and was kneeled on the ground by a small black fox’s body.

 When i reached the queen’s side, i kneeled down beside her, “your highness, you summoned me?”

 “Yes.” she spoke, turning her head to look down at me “I need you to use your gift on that black fox.”

 I looked back up and over to the young purple cat beside the black mass of fur. So that had to be the same man that stole the Dire rock? “the fox? Shouldn’t he be locked up?” I asked and looked back towards the queen. She was looking at me like a displeased mother who was just asked a stupid question. I looked at her with a vaguely same look, only to get hit lightly in the back by another guard. Lowering my head once more, “I am sorry your highness, What is it you need me to do?”

 “There are two souls in that body, i need you to pull out the one that is not his.” she turned from me and sighed, “this is his punishment.”

 “Yes Ma’am.” I nodded once more, and got up and proceeded to walk to the two thieves.. The purple cat looked up at me with confusion, and i kneeled down to pick up the small black mass of fur by his neck. Flexing my hand that was covered in tattoos from my hand to my shoulder, the marks began to glow, and pressed my hand to the small chest of the fox, letting my hand slowly faze into his chest. I hated to do this because it was not a pleasant experience on my end to have my hand go through another living being’s body. It was a hard feeling to describe, it was similar to sicking my whole hand into something that is off a sticky substance and searching around with in it to find what i was told to search for. Slowly taking my hand from the small fox’s body, holding a delicate ball of light in my hand. “Is this the correct soul?” I asked, turning to look at the queen and she nodded slowly. I put the small body back down gently onto the ground, and cupped the small ball of light in both hands, it grew slowly in size and when it was large enough for me to set down, i eased the light onto the ground gently and moved away. The ball shifted and merged to form the shape of a young man, and when the light dispersed and vanished, there laid the body of the black fox in his human form.

 “What the hell?” the young boy asked looking between the two bodies. “How, what, two souls?” he started to panic, “what did you do?”

 “I took the extra soul out of his fox body and this soul took the form of his human.” I answered one of his many questioned and got up off the floor. “Am i finished here?” i turned to face my queen.

 “No, you are not.” she said flat, the same tone she always speaks in. “You, Sariel, will take these three to a room and stay with them until told other wise, by me.” she said calmly, motioning for someone to go to the young man beside me. “Unchain the cat.”

 A guard took the bindings off of the young man and he instantly grabbed onto the small black fox and held him lovingly in his hands. “Who...is in his body?” he looked to the body beside him.

 “You’ll see when they wake up.” she said, “Sariel, take the human body and go.”

 “Yes, your highness.” I grabbed the other young mans body and lifted him up over my shoulder, looking to the queen quickly before back to the cat. “Follow me, cat.”

I walked to a guest room with purple cat close behind me and some guards behind him to make sure he did not take a break for it. When we reached the correct room, a guard nodded his head to me and opened the door, letting me walk in. The cat slowly behind me as the door closed.

 I put the young fox’s human body gently on the bed that was placed in the room, before i turned to look at the confused cat., “sit.” i pointed to a chair that was close to him. “They will awaken soon.”

 He followed my finger and sat down with the fox on his lap. “Whats going to happen?” this cat asked too many questions for his own good.

 “I dont know, we wait until they wake up i guess.”I walked up beside the window close to the bad and leaned my shoulder into the wall. “Until then, we stay here. No more questions, i dont know anymore than you do.”

 “But i have-.” the cat spoke but stopped when he saw the angry look i had on my face.

 “No more questions.” I growled lowly at him. His constant questions was slowly rubbing me the wrong way.

 “Fine.” he spoke softly and kept his mouth shut now.

 We no longer spoke as a couple of hours had passed since we walked into this room. What the queen had planned was mysterious and was concerning me greatly. I understand why she needed my use for my gift, but why i had to baby sit a purple cat, a sleeping fox and his former human body was new to me. But all i could do was wait, and ponder what they queen had planned.

#Sariel #Yuu #OcStory

[willyg43]

Life story

I was born in Syracuse, NY on July 23,1993. My first memories are with my family at get togethers or birthday parties. My childhood was good Id say. The first real influential events that happened to me were breaking my femur playing football and my parents getting divorced. Both happened around the same time. I broke my leg and was given Vicodin to come home with. I wouldn't take them more than prescribed but I remember really liking when it was time to take them. Then I healed from my injury and continued playing sports which gave me friends that were popular. I didn't ever feel like I had much else in common with these popular kids besides Im good at sports. In 9th grade I went to a party with girls (big deal) and I was offered marijuana for the first time. I said yes I would like to and that was the first drug I tried. I had been shown some very high quality weed in computer class which was 9th-12th grade. After smoking it for the first time I immediately fell in love with it. I bought some myself. It was nothing like what I was shown by the senior who sat next to me. But the saying was “Dirty town dirty brown” in reference to scummy people who sold people dirt weed. But none the less I started regularly smoking marijuana, listened to grateful dead and grew my hair long. I had a fairly serious girlfriend at the time who hated when i smoked weed and I became seriously depressed, put on anti depressants and took about 25 Codeine/Tylenol pills that were my mothers, then about 10 tylenol pms and advil. I was taken to the hospital with an overdose. I had a psychiatric evaluation and they said I needed to go to the Psych Hospital across the street. They strapped me to a stretcher and took me to where would be my home for the next 42 days. I recovered physically after a day or two but was still severely depressed because of the lack of communication with my girlfriend and seemingly imminent break up following. This was my first treatment environment. I made friends and had a fun break from school while playing videos games, gin rummy, and basketball (no one would play with me which made me look like i was “Improving” to the staff which I knew were writing notes on all of us.) I was discharged and went back to school. Tried to keep up on work and play lacrosse (my favorite sport) again. In December of that year I smoked weed again with my friend and had two or three beers and played mario kart. His dad got mad at him because he didn't want me to go crazy and kill myself. I wasn't as depressed but became verbally and physically abusive to my dad and there were incidences where police had to intervene and I was trying to run away weekly. At the end of the school year I was smoking as much weed as before the suicide attempt. I asked my friend if I could sleep over and smoke weed with him and he said my mom called his mom and said i couldn't stay over which seemed really strange. I awoke at 3 am with two large men and my mom and dad in the same room (something i hadn't seen in 3 or 4 years) and they said to come with them. The drove me to the airport and we flew to washington dc. then las vegas, then we drove to Kanab Utah and they gave me clothes and a backpack and let me out on the trail with a bunch of other kids with wilderness hats and clothes and giant backpacks. I felt like I was in the movie Holes. I started hiking with them and kind of liked the freedom. But I was having severe hallucinations (some as bad as seeing the devil in the middle of the night) and couldn't control my bowel movements. I was in the desert for 70 days when my dad picked me up and it was great to see him, my family had visited me for a day and it was a beautiful experience for us I think. We had a long drive and a long talk on the way to Discovery Ranch, a place for troubled boys and girls mostly coming out of wilderness. Here I went to school, raises calfs. Did lots of cleaning and chores and played basketball on saturday. I was here for almost a year and when I turned 18 it was time to move to the next place. This one being in Idaho. Here I graduated high school and volunteered at thrift stores and ate organic food and started smoking cigarettes. I got to go home Dec 12, 2012. When I got home I was walking to the store for cigarettes when I saw an old friend and he invited me to a party. I went and had a few beers and smoked weed. My parents bought me an apartment to live in by myself. This summer I went to a lot of parties one which got broken up by the cops and i almost got arrested. Then I asked my friend if he could get me heroin, which he did and that was the first time I tried heroin. I was 20. Then in the fall I went to college and smoked a lot of weed and got hammered and did minimal school work. It was an unsuccesful attempt to lead a normal life. That summer my friend came home from school and we decided we were going to do heroin again. So thats what we did and we had a connect and a dealer and I used heroin almost daily and at this point i was still snorting it which i was ridiculed about. Him and I delved into heroin as deep as we could go and did hopeless desperate things to get heroin. I asked him to shoot me up and he did, it was december and I could see the Christmas tree in the park in Syracuse just a block or two from where I was born, and the pysch hospital. Him and I continued to shoot up almost daily and I met another friend who could get me cocaine as well as heroin and knew the ins and outs of the life. Something that i felt i was above, directly buying it, going into homes. I never did that, I drove where they said to go and gave people rides for free heroin. In Febuary I went to inpatient rehab for the first time. I threw up 7 times before they decided I needed suboxone. I did the full 30 days and was sober now for the first time since coming back (3 years). I was landscaping making a fair amount of money when I relapsed. I quit my job and started shooting heroin again. I had a dishwashing job once a week where i made 80-100 dollars one night a week which was enough at first with the money from landscaping and scamming and giving people rides. I was in very rough shape when I went back to rehab. I did 12 days and came up to New Hampshire where I was in an intensive sober house where i could re enter society safely. I went to meetings, got a sponsor and did all 12 steps. I worked hard at my minimum wage jobs and I gained my love for life back. I felt better than I had since I was playing sports with my friends in middle school. I got a girlfriend and hung out with her as much as possible after I got out of the house. I deliver pizza now in the town I went to the sober house in and I am very happy with my life. I have two sponsees, my family back, a girlfriend whom I want to grow old with and close to two years sober from EVERYTHING. If this isn't a testement to the twelve steps I dont think anything could convince anyone to seek help. I am very eager and excited to see where life takes me in the future and I love my life today.  THANKS FOR READING.

#recovery #hope #drug addiction #sober #lifestory

[ashesh-thakur]

A Game of check and mate

All the places,Characters,Agency's names used in this article are real and I have tried my best to keep the timeline intact. Hello again, today I'm up again with my new article.This article is based on the real life events took place a few years ago.Some people may find this article boring but if u like spy genre u may like it.It is my first attempt in writing something about real life events so please feel free to make any suggestion. ANd sorry in advance for the mistakes.

Thanks in advance.HOpe u People like it. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- December 2011 Somewhere in Kashmir

It was an army base in Kashmir near Indo pak border. It was heavily guarded as it needs to be ,obviously it was an army base and that too in Kashmir.Two men with muscular built with some papers and files in their hands were walking down the corridor which was lit only by a low watt bulb.They opened the gate of the room which was at the end of the corridor,the last room.Upon entering the room they lit the bulb which was hanging just above a man who was cuffed and was tied well enough so that he couldn't even breathe properly.The man looked pathetic, it seemed like he was half dead, blood was coming out from his nose,his nails were scratched off and were bleeding also 2 out of 10 fingers were missing from his hands. His face has turned pale because of excessive waterboarding. Yes, It was a terrorist interrogation cell in liaison with the R&AW(Research and analysis wing) and the man sitting on chair with now his new deformed structure of body was a terrorist.

"why don't you people kill me already?" said the terrorist with immense pain caused due the torture.

Officer 1 :- "we will...don't you worry about that but first we get what we want."

Officer 2:- "Ok...so lets do it again....where is the big man ? where is Hamza?"

Terrorist:- "I told you already ,I am just an errand boy and dont know what goes at the top"

Officer:-2 "Ok ...so I hope you wouldn't mind if I cut this big thumb of ur right feet ."

the terrorist screamed and said "NOOOOO.....OK I WILL TELL YOU" Officer:-1 "good boy...sabaash"

Terrorist:- "He is going to be in saudi in next few months and i swear to allah I don’t know anything much more than this. Dont know where ,Dont know why..Just please have some mercy"

“He(Hamza) will make his scheduled contact with his associates in Maharasthra.It is a routine process to look out and watch over the movements of his organization( Indian Mujahiddin). I Swear to god I know this much only.” Said the shattered terrorist.

Everyone has a breaking point ,he has reached his.With this crucial information coming out from an IM(Indian Mujahideen) operative there was no time to waste and no one did. The same day a number of secured phones lines started ringing at both the top most Intelligence houses of Indian security, the R&AW headquartered at Lodhi road ,New Delhi and the IB headquartered at 35 Sardar patel marg ,New Delhi. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Same day 35 Sardar patel marg IB headquarters ,New Delhi

A well dressed man was walking very fast in the lobby of IB’s Headquarter, he was in hurry to inform his “boss” the director of IB MR. Nehchal sandhu about these developments.He stormed into the cabin without knocking.

“I am sorry sir,But he opened up. “ said the secretary .

“Hamza is going to be in Saudi in next few months,he will make contact somewhere in Maharashtra in coming year.” The secretary completed.

“Excellent….has the R&AW chief been informed?” the director enquired.

Secretary :-“yes,sir”

Sandhu:-“and the MHA and PMO?”

Secretary:-“I was waiting for your response on this ,sir.”

Sandhu:-“ notify the MHA and the PMO but make sure it remains concealed ,you know what I mean.”

Secretary:- “Sure sir”

This was a major development after the 26/11 and this information can not be leaked or can not be shared with anybody. Only the concerned authorities were needed to know.

Sandhu:- “ setup a meeting with RAW officials and gather our best man. Send an alert to the Radio Research centre(RRC) and national technical research organization(NTRO) to level up the signal Surveillance of Maharashtra and the adjoining states but our priority is Maharashtra provide them the latest echelon packets.Trace every suspicious call local ISD STD any Satellite phone activity. Keep the Maharashtra ATS(Anti terrorist squad)in the loop.we can not afford to loose him now.”

The secretary rushed out from the cabin even with more speed by which he came inside.He knew what he had to do now. Several meetings were carried out .The RRC and NTRO officials left no effort in tracing this just “ONE” suspicious call activity and everybody was waiting. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A late night in May 2012 Thane, Maharashtra

A phone was ringing at very late in night.A man picked it up.

“Assalam waleikumm ,rehman” a man with firm voice greeted from the other side.No doubt is was Hamza.

“kasie hain bhaijaan aap. Sab khairiyat?” rehman said.

Hamza:- “sab khairiyat ,mujhe naye bande chahiyye jald se jald. Is bar Mumbai mission se bhi or kuch bada karna hai.”

Rehman:-“ jo jayega janab. Par Mumbai hamle ke baad sab kuch bada tight ho gaya hai fund ki bhi problem hai.”

Hamza:-“paise ki fikar na karo..main kuch din main Saudi jaa raha hu wahan se fund ka problem solve ho jayega. Tum bas jald se jald apna kaam shuru karo.chalo ab rakhta hu.”

Rehman:-“ji janaab ….bahut accha. Salaam.” The line was disconnected.

And this single call created a huge excitement in night in New Delhi.The IB chief was on his way to the headquarter.He wanted to be thoroughly briefed. Everybody was so energetic about this.Inside the briefing room. Director asked an officer to brief him and the staff.

“Sayed Zabiuddin Ansari aka Abu Hamza aka Abu Jundal ,he hails from beed, Maharashtra .After systematic brainwashing he went to pak in mid 2000’s.He is one of the most wanted terrorist by India.He is one of the chief recruiter and strategist for LeT(Lashkar e taiyyba).He was involved in kalupur station blast , aurangabaad arms haul and german bakery blasts.But he is mainly wanted for the mumbai attacks as he was one of the handler from karachi, Pakistan as we all know that he was one of the six who master minded these attacks with the help of pak army and the ISI and he is most wanted since then.” …the officer paused.

“He operates a website which he created to recruit muslim youths for the cause of jihad. The U.S. security agency NSA has noticed a huge traffic between his site and the other Jihadi sites which confirmed that Hamza is operational and is tend to do something big.”

“Few hours ago the RRC had intercepted a phone call from Karachi Pakistan made to Rehman Wasim Malik in thane. Rehman is minor operative of IM and was arrested few months ago under the charges of conspiracy but got bail as the evidences were insufficient .In this 4 min conversation Hamza directed rehman to find new recruits for a mission which he claimed is going to be more big and destructive than 26/11.He said that he will leave for Saudi Arabia in next few days for funds and other support.Thats it.”…The officer stopped finally.

“This is our moment people . We act now or never.” said the director.

IB Director:-“Our only chance is to get him in Saudi as soon as he lands there .”

“We can setup a covert extraction plan to extract him from saudi but if any step goes wrong by 0.01% we ll lose our lead also we hav good diplomatic relations with saudi i suggest we go through the diplomatic channels we can not afford to heat up our relations with the kingdom of Saudi Arabia.” ..a high ranking officer from RAW quoted.

“you are right, in this we have to involve the MEA(Ministry of External affairs) and seek permission I ll meet the home minister and the foreign minister myself tomorrow morning.” Sandhu said.

The meeting was over for the night.As Mr. sandhu said, he met both the ministers and the conclusion came out was that the Saudi security forces will be notified about the Hamza’s arrival.A full diplomatic channel will be followed. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 5 june 2012 King Khalid International airport Riyadh, Saudi Arabia.

A man who just got off from a flight which took off from Islamabad and landed in Riyadh.The man was medium built with average height and long beard like those of mullas.This man was standing in a queue for immigration check. when his number came the operator said after seeing his passport“welcome to Riyadh Mr. Riyasat ali”.

Off course another alias and fake passport provided by Pakistan to Hamza. As the operator checked the photograph on his computer he paused for a moment and took a look again at Hamza and with a great caution he pressed the secret security button under his table.Two security personnel came near Hamza and said “ We need you to come with us,sir.”

In no time Hamza realized that now he is going to be in a very big trouble and its over for him now.The security forces took him to the detention facility and notified the Indian authorities. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Same day Somewhere in Karachi ,Pakistan

“jannab…hamza pakda gaya.” A high ranking ISI officer said to his chief.

“Mujhe maloom hai .IB or RAW….yeh kaafir maante hi nahi. Ek diplomatic delegation taiyyar karo hume Riyadh Indian delegation se pehle pahuchna hai.” The chief said. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- As soon as the word reached new delhi that Hamza has been taken into custody the Indian delegation swung into action and they reached Riyadh as soon as they could.The head of the delegation was Mr sandhu.He knew that India can not operate and handle this issue without the help of the host country.Clearly it was important to get their help.The Saudi counterparts assured india that if they provide enough proof about Hamza they will hand over him to the Indian authorities. Indian authorities knew that to get ABU HAMZA they had to persuade prince Muqrin bin Abdulaziz, the Director general of Saudi intelligence agency and this task was left upon Mr. sandhu.Mr. sandhu worked closely with the prince to gain his agency’s support. India provided ample evidences to the Saudi intelligence agency and at a point it convinced them that Hamza is wanted in India.But as the negotiations were ongoing the Pakistani delegation arrived and demanded Hamza to be handed over to them.Pakistan cited that Hamza is a Pakistani national and is wanted in Pakistan for various acts of terror.Pakistan also provided the fake life history of Hamza and said that Hamza is not an Indian but is a Pakistani. Creating a huge roadblock in Indian process. Indian authorities knew that its again a deceitful move made by pak to cover ISI’s role in 26/11 if Hamza is handed over to India then he will confess after sometime that 26/11 was done on the instruction of ISI and pak army. Many diplomatic negotiations were carried out and it made the process very slow.Indian authorities lobbied the Saudi authorities and made them believe that Hamza is more important to India than Pakistan.Pakistani government also put pressure on Saudi government not to hand over hamza to India. As both pak and india claimed that Hamza is their citizen the Saudi authorities asked for the DNA samples of his parents from both the countries. Pakistan could not provide that and India along with the DNA sample provided a big load of evidences.They produced investigation details, DNA samples, dossiers, voice samples and intercepts. Which made India’s stand firm. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A night of May, 2013 Private residence of Prince Muqrin bin Abdulaziz Riyadh, Saudi arabia

Prince’s personal cell was ringing continuously .He picked it up.

“Asslaam waleikum your highness…Its Zaheer “

The prince knew that it must be something very important that the ISI’s chief Zaheer ul islam is calling him this late in night.

“waleikumm salaam…zaheer, whats so important for this late in night?” the prince asked.

Zaheer:-“I have heard that the kingdom of Saudi Arabia has finalized the extradition of ABU HAMZA to India.”

Prince:-“may be you have heard right.”

Zaheer:-“I thought we were on the same side and a team. We are doing this all for Islam and our muslim brothers.”

Prince:-“We are on the same side and India is also an ally of kingdom we have our business reservations with it. Also the US is involved now and you already know nobody messes with America.India’s stand is firm the whole world knows and watching us, I have to protect the dignity and reputation of my kingdom.we can not tarnish our image in international community by harboring a terrorist. India has proved that Hamza is theirs but you couldn’t . so I am sorry ,my friend.” And the line was disconnected. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 27 may 2013 Indira Gandhi international airport New delhi

The Saudi authorities deported Hamza to India.On his arrival he was formally and officially arrested by Delhi police special cell.The news channels were just showing hamza being taken into custody and praising the effort of the Indian intelligence agencies. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- As the hamza was arrested it was a big blow to the ISI ,IM and LeT because hamza was their top strategist and recruiter.He knew many secrets of all these organizations.He was the master mind of Mumbai 26/11 attacks and was one of the handler who was present in the control room in karachi and giving instructions to the terrorists in Mumbai during attacks. Mr. sandhu retired from the post of Director of Intelligence bureau in 2012 and his works were further carried out efficiently by then new director Syed Asif Ibrahim. As about Hamza it is said that he has been imprisoned at yervada central jail ,pune Maharashtra but who knows may be it’s a cover and he is in Pondicherry or Andaman or in Kashmir where it all started like the start of this story and being interrogated by the army.

This is how our army and our intelligence agencies work so hard day and night to protect our homeland with minimum resources but we never come to know about their work and sacrifice.They are putting a lot of effort to keep us safe .A lot of agencies are working simultaneously ,the bad ones are plotting against our nation and the good ones are working to neutralize their efforts. RAW and IB are fully autonomous bodies and they are only responsible to PMO and HMO(home ministry) respectively that is they are not under the purview of parliament.there can be no debate on their functioning in parliament . they are also immune to Right to information act ie no information can be sought from secret agencies.This is the reason their missions are highly classified and never leave the four walls of their buildings.

- Ashesh Singh

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sources referred:- Wikipedia, The hindu archives, The Times of India archives, BBC India archives e.t.c.

#story

[innerheadstories]

My First story post and a very very rough draft.

"Why in the hell did we have to take this route" One of the merchants asked as they pushed threw the thick forest path that had becomes so overgrown in recent time the path was nearly gone. So even with the strong hourses they had for travel it was still hard to get threw with there carts.       "Stop ya belly aching" The other merchant grumbled. "Your the one who wasnted to spend all your time drinking and whoring around in the last village and cost us all that extra time. So if we dont take this path we wont be able to reach Isenberg in time for the festivle" He said annoyed.         The other growned as he led the horse threew the trail having to give it a little extra tug as the wheels had a hard time getting over some of the larger tree roots. "YA but isnt this path notrious for badit attacks. " The other man rolled his eyes. "Oh they say that about every forest path its always badits or mosnters or somthing its nothing more than fear and cowrdice" he said as he contued on.       Of course even thought he said that it didnt mean going threw this path didnt put him more on edge. He kept his dagger close at hand and his ears open.  Although thinking about it now. It was qiet errily so. There was no sound of small animals scurring threw the bush and no birds chirping near by or making calls looking for a mate.  He looked around trying to hear anything that signaled any sighn of life.  

        As they got deeper into the woods and the day grew later it got harded to travel thats when finally they herd it. Snapping of twig. Turning quickly towrs the sound the merchant saw giant of a man coming into view. He had a sick grin as he held a large bloody mace in his hand "Well well what have we got here seemes some travlers got lost in our woods mates." He cuckled as more snapping could be heard and men began coming out of the of the foiliage and from the tree branches above one man had a bow drawn with a arrow aimes right at them. "what a pitty." He said       The large man looked at them ."Well we can show you the way out of course....you have to pay the charge for passing threw our territory" The merchants both huddled close to there items. "Please ...please just let us go" He said as he looked around ath the large number of men gathering. "We are only simple merchants we dont have much but we will give you our money to pass." The other merchant looked at him. "What are you saying." the other one turned quickly to glare at him. "Shut up we can make more money cant make any money if we are dead."          The larger leader laughed as he started forward. "Smart man" He grinned ."And if you dont have enogh we will also be taking your wares." He siad. But before he gotwith striking distance a arrow shot down from the tree tops and into the ground in fornt of him. All the badits looked aroound the one with his bow shooting a arrow back in the direction of that the other ahd shot from but all that could be herd was tthe arrow passing threw tree leaves and branches. .  "what the hell was that " The leader of the group growled.        Suddenly a new voice was herd laughing . "My my what greddy little men you are moeny and their wares how bothersome." The voice seemed to come from the woods themselvs. "And what was about your woods." The laugher was deep and harmoic even the voice was smooth and deep and seemed to resenate  "Please no mere mortal could hope to own these woods or any woods." The voice said. "This forest as all forest is home of the elven people and belogns to no one." Finally a man dropped down from the foilage and landed on a tree branch. He had a bow and arrow quiver on his back as he held a staff in his hands. Although it seemed to be a simple wooden staff it had a beautful red wood color to it with a small blue crystal knessled inside the top of it.  His black hair was long and held small braides near the top to keep it somwhat pulled back behind his ears. His ears were pointed and his skin was a deep copper tone and completly umblemised and looks smooth as silk. His green eyes seemed to dance with amuzment and mischef. "Well well what a truly distubing sight." He said with a grin.     The leader of the bandits glared at the elf. "Who the hell are you."        The elf smiled "How rude of me not to introduce myself Galland at your service .....Well not your service" HE smiled "Morley the service of ....well the whole world I would assume I dont imagin anyone will miss you but the world will be better with you gone from it." HE said. THe man laughed "You gonna do us in little man with what that little stick of yours." He chuckled as he grabbed his crouch. "Me cocks bigger than that little thing." He said "But Ill tell ya what come down here and Ill shove that stick right up your arse and let you wobble home." He smiled befor shaking his head. "Nah Think Ill just use me little stick here to rip your guts out  instead." The man glared as he looked at him then singlaed at his bowman "Kill that little fairy and be done with him." No sooner had he spoke than the man kniocked another arrow and fired at him. The elf grinned twisting and his body and snached the arrow from thre air. "Your quiet good with that." He smiled "But Im better" the man growled and quickly knoked another aroow firing at him and in one swift motion the elf had droped down and using his legs swung around hanging upside down from the treelimb he knoked the arrow he had snacked from the air and shot it back at the man The arrow planted in a tree behind him.    The bowman laughed "Cant be that good ya missed" AS he went to knock another arrow thogh he relesed the elf had actully shot the sting of his bow. His eyes wideneed as the elf grinned "Oh did I" He let got and twisted his body landing on the groud ad putting his bow back on his back. "ALright enogh of this get him boys." The leader gorlwed as they all began converging on the elf. He laughed "Oh dear. He quickly grabbed his staff and blocked the first man to get to him twisting it and knicking the mans blade away before using the end to jab him and knicked im to the ground as another man came at his back he shoved the staff back hitting him in the gut as well with ther head before twisiting around and knicking him from his feet. All this before the gang leader moved over raising his mace. "Try and stop this pretty boy" He snalred swinging his mace down with enogh force that it would snap any nomral weapon in half But just before it connected with the stafft it hit someinviable wall and a shokwave blasted out knocking everyone back. The elf spun his staff around with a laugh "What was that about little twig." HE grinned as he swung it in a wide arc and the jewl in the top glowed as the roots and vines began to come out of the ground and twist around the badnits. The men grolwed and all began wilding choping and slashing at the vines and roots that seemed to have taken a mind of their own as they tried to contrict and wrap around them.The badit leader rared ripping the roots away from him as he rushed the elf. "My my you are a strong one. The male said in a cocky tone as the leader swung wildly at him. The elf smiled as he twisted and ducked around the manes wild swings while the leader tried to keep his feet it seemed the more vines and roots he ripped from the ground focing himself onward the more wrapped around him and tried harder to pull him down. The elf smiled "Seems you having trouble there."  The badit leader swung at him one final time and the elf hoped back holding his hands out he flicked his fingers at the man and the vines wrapped around his writs and arms pulling him to the ground. All right eveyrone time to rest for now."  constricting them and  covering there mouths as the forest itself seemed to suck them into nothing ness as they were pulled into the ground.  The badits thrashs and swung there weapoins widley trying to stop themselves from being pulled into the ground screaming and crying out for mercy. Untill only the badit leader was left. HE strugled agest the vines as he grabbed and tryed ripping them away. "G...god damnit im....im not gonna die to some little fucking elf "  The elf lagughed. "Well I would love to see how your gonna stop me." HE told him as he watched him. BEfore the vines finally took him underground and sucked him into the earth like a living burial. He smiled before turing back ot the merchants who were brushing themselves off and getting to their feet. They looked fearfully at the male elf     "P...please sir we dont want no trouble we just be passing threw."            Galland laughed "Please Im not gonna hurt you." He smiled "Wouldnt have made much sense to save you if I ment you harm" He smiled as he moved his staff to his back and walked over to them with his hands behind his head. "If you keep on the path here you should find the village by tomarow morning ....midday if you stop to sleep for the night." He told them. The both smiled before the one in back came forward. "Please sir if there is anything we can do for you just say it." The elf waved his hand dimissivly before thinking ."Actully Im fresh out of wine so if you could spare a bottle of summer wine I would be most thankfull" The mechant laughed "your in luck I got a wonderfull selection of summer wine just for the festivle" He smiled as he went back to his cart and opened the carrage before pulling out a large bottle of red wine. "HEre a wonderfull wine from the east lands."  The elf smiled as he held the bottle up to the light "Ahhh this lookes eccelent" He smiled "My deepest gratidute." He said AS he began to walk away.     "Wait." One of the men called out "Why not travle with us to the festivle I am sure there would be plenty of other summer wines and we would gladly compensate you for guiding us and protecting us from danger"      The elf shook his head. "You shall be fine this lot was the only badit group currently in the area.' HE smiled "I may see you at the festive" He held up wanted posters "But for now I have bounty to collect' He told them with a chuckle. "Thank you for your help by the way saved me the trouble of having to find them. Oh one last thing could you tell the gaurd in town that they need to come collect these gentalmen." He laughed. agin AS he jumped into the trees and was soon gone from sight..        As instruced once the merchants reached town they went directly to the town gaurds to inform them of what had happened and the gaurds only smiled and nodded thanking them for their information.           As a unit of gaurd entered the forest the had hauled along a large empty cage that was used for prsnor traspoert.       "Captain how far into the woods is this elf."    The captain laughed ."I forgot your new to the regiment arent you." The gaurd nodded as the second one laughed. "Galland is one of the best ounty hunters in this part of the world" He told him as the captain nodded ."While normally elfs only creat problems or hold a sens of self importance Galland is a decent enogh ort he hunts for money and enjoys our festivles." He smiled "Never a bad drinking compainon either. The one gaurd rolled his eyes ."Please eveyone knows elefes look down their noses at us and every other race." He said almost annoyed That was untill they herd the soft melody of the violen that seemed to be carried by the wind into the tranquil forst.      The captain smiled "Ahhh we are getting close." The other gaurd rased a eyebrow, "Is he the one playing." the captain nodded as the contued to move.        Sure enogh they soon came to the area the merchants had left hours before. And sitting atop a tree branch was the male elft he had one leg on the branch with him while his other dnageld care free from the brach while he placyed the violen he held in his skilled hands. his eyes where closed and the soft melody of his instument seemed to only make the forest that much more tranquiel. It was only being so close one would notice the sliet movment of his lips. He was ...singing the elven voice travles threw the trees and with the music in such a way it wouldnt be until you saw him singing that you even relised there were words to accompany the melody.       The new gaurd began to move forward as if he were going ot adress the elev before the captain placed a hand on his shoulder. "Dont worry he knows we are here."    ...It was a moment or two before the male finished his song. As he did he opened his eyes though looking down at the men. "Ahhh captain wonderfull to see you as always." He said hopping down from the tree and landing skillfully on his feet in front of the men.            "Good to see you Galland I hear you have a prisnor delvery for us"     Galland smiled "I may do you have a bounty for me" He asked raiseing his eyebrows playfully" The captain chuckled as the other graurd cleared his throat. "Captain we dont have time for this besides I dont even see any bandits around here" The elef smiled looking over the captain at the one who had spoke. "But my lad they are in ground in the trees cant you sense them all around you"      THe gaurd looked at him "What kind of elf nonsens it that we came to collocet prsnors not hear some natrulist proverbs about eveyone being connected." He glared      Galland laughed "My my captain your new man dosnt seem to like me very much" The captain laughed "Well you are more of a aquired taste" The elf looked offdendn playfull "Oh you wound me sir and I thought we were frineds." HE smiled as he clapped his hands out ouf of the trees and from the ground the bandits were reveald all their hands and legs bound with vines "Mabey I should give thses to someone eles then." The captain laughed as the new recutte jumped as one came up almost form directly under him. Motioning to the two the other gaurd patted the new guy on the shoulder and helped him beging loading the badits into the cage while The captain pulled out a small bag of gold coins. "As always you never dissapoint." The elf smile "I live to please" He smile taking the bag and shaking it before putting it in his shirt. "Your a man of your word I dont think I should need to count it." The captain shook his head. "That attidufde will get you killed somday." Galladn grinned "Yes but today is not that day" He smiled as the captain shook his head while he and his men turned the cart around and began heading out  "Allow me to play you off" He smiled as he jumped back into the tree picking up his istument agin and before long the gaurds could hear the melody of the elves playing once agin accompining them on their way out of the deepe woods.

[ralphmorgan-blog1]

How I Got Sent To Rehab For Being Too Gay

Flickr / rabble

I grew up as a sassy little boy in Arkansas. My parents separated when I was three or four years old and had an ongoing custody battle for me and my two older sisters until my seventh birthday. I was raised by my sisters, who had to grow up far beyond their years at such a young age. While they were raising me, my parents would use us as pawns in their game against one another. Wed be carted from one parent to the other every other weekend, despite our tears, screaming, and demands for all this to stop. It wasnt our choice; the court had ordered it.

Ive always known that I was gay. In fourth grade I told my best friend that I was in fact a bio-sexual. Yes, I said bio-sexual, and I remember explaining to him that that meant that I liked both boys and girls. He looked at me for a moment, as if planning his next move, and he promptly said that he didnt want to play with me that day. I went home, and the next day I told him that Id just been joking. Though he accepted my excuse, he became my enemy when he rode his bicycle down the street, called out my name, and then spat in my face. Rage filled me as I stomped down the pavement after his bicycle, grabbing at his backpack in anger. It was then that I realized that Arkansas was not the best place in the world for me. I had to get out.

It wasnt until I was 14 years old, after I had read Harry Potter and done copious amounts of research, that I decided that I wanted to go to boarding school. My mother was against these sorts of ideas, coming up with all manner of excuses, including telling me that I was going to die and that Id never see her again. My father, on the other hand, loved this idea, because the only way it could be properly executed was if he had custody of me, a thing he had been seeking so desperately for many years. Years later, I question his motives. Why would he want custody of his son when he was just going to send him off to boarding school? Why would he want kids if he wasn’t going to raise them? But I wanted to go to boarding school, so at the time I didnt care. For the first time, I thought I was finally free.

My freshman year of high school, I attended Stevenson School, a private, co-ed boarding school located in Pebble Beach, Calif. This was an absolute dream. I had finally found a place where I could be myself. I was gay, from Arkansas, and now living in one of the most open-minded states in the nation. By the time Christmas rolled around, I had completely come out of the closet, with minimal resistance from my peers. For the first time in my life, I felt like I had truly found a place that I could call home without the fear or anxiety that my parents caused me.

Spring break arrived, and I traveled back to Arkansas to visit my family. One day my father and stepmother sat me down in the study, a routine they often engaged in when they wanted to catch us children off-guard about a problem that they had with us. This is something that I like to call the sneak attack, where they would gaslight the situation.

My stepmother began. Back at Christmas, your sister found your journal and was shocked by something that you wrote, she told me. We know youre questioning your sexuality, but what do you have to say about that?

I looked from my father to my stepmother and knew my life was about to change. My response: Well, Im gay.

Thats when the frowns began, and I dont think Ive seen my parents genuinely smile at me since. Their questions came at me like bullets: What do you think about the Bible? Dont you want kids? Youre backing yourself into a corner; why dont you wait to decide to be gay when youre 25? I’m far past 25 now and I am most definitely gay.

That summer my father forced me to work as a maintenance man. I had the pleasure of working alongside some of the most ignorant, grotesque men. These middle-aged men would spit homophobic slurs and make sexually suggestive comments about my sisters, and when I used their restroom, I was forced to stare at pictures of naked women that they had posted on the wall. As I endured my own personal hell, I came to the conclusion that my father was somehow trying to butch me up. It was as if he thought that if I spent enough time doing manual labor, listening to crude humor, and keeping away from the arts, the gay would eventually just wash away. It didnt work. What worked was that that I learned patience, perseverance, and the value of staying true to myself. I also learned how to fix a sprinkler system. I chronicled all those days in my LiveJournal that summer. Finally it was time to go back to my boarding school.

My first week back at school, my father and stepmother came to pick me up to send me to rehab for being too gay. I was sitting in biology class when my advisor came to pull me out of class. I asked her if I was in trouble, and she assured me, Of course not. On our way to the admissions building, where her office was located, she casually asked me what Id done over the summer, how my siblings were, and how my parents had been taking my coming out of the closet. I told her that my summer had been hell, that my siblings were grea,t and that my parents werent really handling my coming out very well. As we walked into the admissions building, I could see two men sitting on the couch eyeing me suspiciously (I later found out that they were narcotics officers who had been hired to restrain me and escort me if I tried to escape), as well as my advisors husband and the dean of students. Everyone was just staring at me with the saddest look in their eyes. My advisor then walked me to the door, and I will never forget what she said to me: Im so sorry about whats about to happen. Just know that Tom and I love you. And everyone here at Stevenson does, too. Your parents are here, and theyre taking you away. She then opened the door, and sitting there were my father and stepmother.

My parents told me that theyd hired someone to go through our home computer. Theyd found my LiveJournal, and they were shocked to discover that not only was I gay but I was in fact super-gay. My stepmother looked me in the face and said, You need to butch it up. My father said that theyd also found a profile I had created for myself on a support site for young gay teens. In my biography section, I had said something to the effect of, Since there arent a lot of people in this area, I decided to include myself in the San Francisco area. For this they accused me of soliciting sex online. The wording they used, soliciting sex, made me feel like a prostitute. Additionally, theyd found transcripts of AOL instant messages in which Id discussed with a friend how I would eventually come out of the closet to my younger siblings, who were merely hypothetical at the time. (My stepmother was going through in-vitro fertilization.) Of course, they accused me of wanting to turn my hypothetical siblings gay. I do have younger brothers now, identical twinsbut I’m unaware of what they know about me. I just hope that our parents hate and closed-mindedness didn’t seep into them.

At that point my parents escorted me out of the admissions building, the two narcotics officers holding me by the arms as they led me toward a car. I didnt know why I was being escorted by the two officers; I would later find out that my parents believed that I was on drugs. My peers were watching me as I took the slowest, most humiliating walk of my life. Those two burly men placed me in the car and forced their arms against my shoulders on each side of me so that I was incapable of moving. I felt like a criminal. Then my parents put me on a private plane and sent me to Timberlawn Mental Health System in Dallas, Texas.

As I was admitted into the mental institution, I was visibly upset. Of course I looked crazy, in a Claire-Danes-in- kind of way. I was being put away against my will for being gay, not to mention in a drug and behavioral facility that focused on kids with eating disorders, drug problems, and suicidal tendencies. I didnt belong there. I was stripped of my shoelaces so that I couldnt kill myself with them. I was tested for drugs (it came out negative), given a full-body cavity search (completely clean), and started on a dose of Zoloft that rendered me incapable of feeling any type of emotion. Talk about completely losing every shred of privacy and dignity in a matter of 24 hours. I was a zombie. I was stuck. I was gay and couldnt get out of there.

The kids that I dealt with while in rehab werent the same as me. There was a girl who had tried to cut her fingers off with childs scissors in order to kill herself. There was another girl who had tried to kill herself by wrapping shoelaces around her throat; she was forced to sleep on a mattress on the lobby floor so that the nurses could keep an eye on her at all times. I was the only kid in the unit who was allowed to go to sleep at night with his or her door closed. Several times staff members asked me why I was there, telling me that they thought I seemed pretty level-headed for a teenager. I told them that I was gay and that my parents werent ready to accept it. I was a minor, though, and there was no way of controlling my own destiny when it came to getting out of there. Luckily, I was discharged on my fourth day. I called my parents, thinking that theyd be happy for me and would return me to my boarding school. I was wrong. They were too busy to pick me up, and I was forced to stay there for a full week.

The next facility I was admitted to was Meridell Achievement Center, located outside Austin, Texas. This was a longer-term stay. An alternative program would have been something like Outward Bounds Intercept program, which takes troubled youth on camping adventures in order to teach self-sufficiency and survival skills. I like to describe the differences between these types of programs in MTV terms: Meridell Achievement Center is like The Real World, with youth living in the confines of a safe, structured environment, often fighting (in group therapy in our case), whereas Outward Bounds Intercept program is more like Road Rules, with a group of individuals forced to work together on adventurous outdoor tasks.

I actually enjoyed Meridell Achievement Center, in a Stockholm Syndrome sort of way, because although I was there against my will, the staff assured me that they werent going to try to turn me straight. They asked me what sort of treatment I wanted instead. So I decided that instead of becoming a straight man, I would become more assertive. Over the month and a half that I was at Meridell Achievement Center, we would chronicle our treatment via journaling and a group session called Goals and Feelings. This is where we would sit around in a circle and discuss what our goals and feelings were for the day. This was an extremely cathartic experience. I read the dictionary for fun and worked on my vocabulary.

Eventually my parents began to call and ask me how I was doing in my treatment. They were always vague about why I was there and what I needed to do in order to get out of there. They just kept telling me, You know what you have to do. Work on your treatment. Whatever that meant. After Id been there for a month and a half, they would call and ask, So when do you think youre going to get better? My response was that there wasnt anything wrong with me. Because the facility was so expensive, they once again decided to send me to another facility, for a much longer stay.

I arrived in Sutton, Vt., to attend the King George School upon the first snowfall of the year. If there is a hell, Im convinced that its actually cold and in Vermont. KGS was somewhere between a boarding school and a rehab facility. It was kind of like a prison for shady kids. I was essentially stuck there until I was 18 years old and allowed to discharge myself. Though Im still friends with some of the kids I met there, I was surrounded by misfits. It was horrible. I had a roommate who defecated on the floor, forcing us all to evacuate the dorm for health code reasons. I had another roommate who poked my eye with his penis while I tried to sleep. There was a girl who decided to eat my puzzle pieces so that I wouldnt be able to complete it. These kids were far more troubled than I was as a hormonal gay boy. During my first four months there I didnt receive any kind of psychiatric treatment whatsoever, and then the appointed psychiatrist declared me completely stable and normal. He even told me that I never deserved to be there in the first place. But how to get out?

I remember during Christmas, my parents and my sister came to visit me. They took me off campus to stay at the Wildflower Inn just outside of town. We were having dinner one night and all having a glass of Chardonnay, which only furthers my point of the absurdity of me being in rehab in the first place. The candlelight was dancing across our red faces when my stepmom blurted out that I was an accident, meaning I wasn’t a planned pregnancy between my father and mother. When I asked my father if this were true and if I were a last ditch-effort to save his marriage with my mother, he solemnly answered, Yes.

Finally, after 279 days of rehab, I was released back into the wild. As it turned out, the person who convinced my parents to let me return to Stevenson School was the very woman who had helped my stepmother through her first divorce back in the 1990s. That must have been one hell of a mental breakdown, because that was my ticket back to the place that I loved, the place that had accepted me unconditionally, the place that had made me the strong-willed, no-holds-barred, wonderful gay man that I am today.

As for my relationship with my parents today, Ill tell you this. I called my father the other day and left him a voicemail. I had left him a voicemail every day all summer long, begging for help financially because I don’t know when I’m going to eat next or let alone be able to pay my bills or rent. He hadn’t answered or returned a single phone call. I finally called and asked him if he wanted to have a relationship with me at all. He called me back and began to list all the ways that I had manipulated him over the summer in trying to receive help. Mind you, I suffer from and seek help for major depression and PTSD from childhood and adolescent abuse caused by this man. I am also a recovered alcoholic and have a little over two years of sobriety. By no means am I trying to manipulate the situation, but he instead gaslights the situation and backs me into a corner to make me feel that I had. I let him know that I felt the same about him with this situation on the phone. He did say he wanted to have a relationship with me in the end, but based on his actions and words, he doesn’t. He has five children and he could care less about any of them. Why have kids if you aren’t going to be a father?

In terms of my recovery, I drank a lot because of my memories of my childhood and the experiences I had while in rehab. I have explored in trauma therapy one in particular that had me at the bar almost every night staring into the mirror ahead of me sipping on whiskey, replaying the events from childhood. At the age of three, in his truck, propped up against the steering wheel, the pleas to, Come on, and Quick. That’s the man who sent me to rehab for being too gay. He’s a hypocrite. He sickens me. He’s a monster. And I might as well be done with him for good.

I never got the chance to come out of the closet on my own terms, so I would like to take this opportunity to let everyone know, Looks like I relapsed, because Im still gay.

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Piers Morgan: Im just putting opinions out there. Its my job

This week Morgan has taken on the Womens March, argued with Ewan McGregor, and boasted about being Donald Trumps best British friend. Why does he do it? Does he even believe what he says?

Piers Morgan last cried when his grandmother died, a little more than three years ago. Before that, he cant remember. Im not a crier, really. He sees himself more as a pantomime villain, and I thoroughly enjoy playing up to it. I cant even imagine the pressure of being some kind of national treasure. So for me, the panto villain part, I actually enjoy that whole thing.

Even by his own notorious standards, Morgan has had a fractious week. His Daily Mail column on Monday, which criticised last weekends womens marches, provoked Ewan McGregor to cancel an appearance on Good Morning Britain in protest. Morgan retaliated with another column calling the actor a paedophile-loving hypocrite. Feminists were furious with him all over again when he defended the right of employers to compel female staff to wear high heels.

Then, as Theresa May prepared to meet Donald Trump, he taunted Downing Street by firing off a public memo in the Mail, advising the PM or, to put it another way, showing off about how to approach his friend, the president. If its all going horribly wrong, dont hesitate to mention my name or even give me a call directly from the Oval Office and I will smooth things over. Its the very least I can do for my country. A memorable highlight came with his mute appearance at the National Television awards. He stood beside his Good Morning Britain co-presenter Susanna Reid, who had gagged him with his own tie.

It was Susannas idea, he says. We were in the car on the way, and she said, I think I know exactly how to get a joyous reaction from the nation. And it was indeed one of the great moments in British television, and the nation rejoiced.

The only detail of the weeks dramas that appears to have troubled Morgan was the discovery that working with him makes Reid cry.

I was surprised, he says, suddenly quieter. Because shes never cried at work, never seen her like that at all. So it was an interesting thing for me to discover this week that my co-host quite often goes home from work and cries. Its probably not always unconnected to me. How does he feel about that? A bit uneasy, actually. Quieter still. Yeah. A bit uneasy.

Ive known Morgan a little ever since he was the loud, precociously young editor of the Daily Mirror in the 1990s, and have always enjoyed his company tremendously. But our paths havent crossed since Trumps bid for the presidency propelled the journalist into his surprise new role as the leader of the free worlds best friend in Britain. The pair have been on close terms since 2008, when Morgan won the first series of Celebrity Apprentice, and Morgan now performs the role of Trumps tirelessly loyal defender while constantly claiming to be not a political sympathiser but just a personal friend.

When I watched Morgan reduce a young female guest to tears on Good Morning Britain two weeks ago, berating her as the worst kind of mother, I wondered whether I would still enjoy his company. The tone felt uncomfortably ugly, more in keeping with an altright online troll than the mischief-maker who used to conduct playful feuds with clowns like Jeremy Clarkson. This weeks events could be read by critics as further evidence to support the unhappy impression that cheerleading for Trump has soured Morgan, and turned him into a rightwing, misogynistic bully.

If one is looking for further evidence to confirm that impression, Morgan doesnt disappoint. The 51-year-old bounces into his local pub, just off Kensington High Street, and opens with his reaction to Trumps comments about waterboarding and torture he is exercised by the BBCs misreporting of what Trump said. There is, as you know, a massive debate in America about waterboarding. I dont personally subscribe to torture. But its an arguable point as to whether waterboarding constitutes torture which is startlingly tepid for a man who once campaigned against the abuse of Iraqi detainees by coalition forces.

Morgan has been friends with Trump since he won Celebrity Apprentice in 2008. Photograph: Photowire/BEI/Shutterstock

He refers to a swarm of migration through Europe, and defends Trumps comment about wanting women to be punished for having illegal abortions. It would be a pretty logical thing for somebody who believes abortions a crime.

Critics who suspect Morgan will say anything to generate attention might equally seize upon his admission that this weeks controversies are completely connected to the fact that he has a new series of Piers Morgans Life Stories on ITV next week. He is strategising to maximise publicity all the time, he says freely. Of course! Everyone on TV is. Im just better at it than most of them.

Whether or not Morgan would welcome this, the truth is that I nevertheless find him much more nuanced and less cocksure than his public persona or Twitter feed might suggest. The reliably consistent theme in all of his feuds is intolerance of hypocrisy.

So his objection to the womens marches, he explains, is simply this. How does it help the cause for any woman on that march fighting for genuine issues, for equality and everything else, for one of the lead speakers Madonna to talk openly about having had dreams of blowing up the White House? Im not sure why Morgan would take Madonna seriously, when she herself has said she was speaking metaphorically, and he was willing to take Trump at his word last year (he denied he had meant to incite Hillary Clintons assassination during a rally speech). Because if you make a threat like that at an airport, youd be arrested and put in jail. Why should it be a different rule for Madonna? I point out that she wasnt at an airport, but another speakers incest joke about Trumps daughter struck Morgan as similarly offensive.

Ivanka Trump is a mother of three, very hardworking. I know her very well and I felt really incensed on her behalf when the sisterhood decided to be incredibly offensive about her whilst at a rally designed to counter the anti-women rhetoric of the President Donald Trump. Theres a hypocrisy there which I just found ridiculous. If your main issue with Trump is the way that he talks to people, and the language and the belligerence and the bombast and the wording, then I dont think you should be doing the same thing to him.

What drives Morgan quite mad is hypocritical virtue signalling masquerading as political engagement. Ewan McGregor was basically trying to position me as a great woman-hater. So, I decided to just take a look at his own record in this area, and load of interviews he gave about his great friend Roman Polanski, what a fine man he was, how sorry he was that he had to go to prison, blah, blah, blah and Im like, Really? I wonder how the sisterhood who currently have you down as the No 1 hero for womens rights in the world would feel knowing that Roman Polanski admitted his crime, then left the country to avoid justice when he was facing a long prison sentence for raping, drugging and sodomising a 13-year-old girl?

Why does McGregors affection for Polanksi discredit his feminist credentials, but not Morgans for Trump? Trump hasnt been convicted of raping anyone. Look, my position has been consistently, from day one,that I wouldnt vote for him. But I do know him very well, and I would just like to slightly offer a more tempered view of the man that is being described everywhere as the new Hitler and the monster. I just think now hes there, its like Brexit; I voted remain, but Ive always been a glass-half-full person, and Im prepared to have an open dialogue with people like Nigel Farage about how we now maximise the opportunity of Brexit. The same with Trump. I find the hysteria just pointless and absurd and self-defeating and ridiculous. Ive got friends of mine literally losing their minds. And Im like, calm down, please calm down. I know this guy.

Coming from Morgan, who personally wrote the paedophile-loving headline for his McGregor column, this will strike some as a bit rich, but he goes on: Its very important in this extremity of debate, the kind of thing that led to Jo Cox getting killed, to be calm. Isnt Morgan himself an arch professional provocateur? But Im just putting opinions out there. Im a columnist, its my job. Isnt anyone else allowed to hold contentious views? Of course! And coming from a highly opinionated family, Im drawn to people who have opinions and are prepared to argue them.

I would have thought Madonna, who Morgan never tires of attacking, would fall into that category. No, because she has an opinion quota based on this pure ability to shock and offend, which I find pointless, quite cliched and increasingly very nauseating.

Morgan never tires of attacking celebrities such as Hugh Grant or Steve Coogan either, for whining about the press. But all the complaints made by those two actors wouldnt amount to a fraction of Trumps grievances with the mainstream media, of which Morgan with two newspaper columns and three TV shows is unquestionably a member.

I dont particularly consider myself to be MSM. Id probably be more a kind of renegade; Im RMSM, renegade mainstream media. I dont think the mainstream media has ever fully made me a paid-up member of their club.. As he breaks off this line of thought to tweet about his latest Daily Mail column, I suggest hes on a sticky wicket here. OK, alright. But I am afraid that the journalists have to stop whining.

It was an interesting thing for me to discover that my co-host quite often goes home from work and cries Morgan with Susanna Reid at the National Television awards. Photograph: Jeff Spicer/Getty Images

As a fanatical champion of a robust free press, surely he thinks Trump should stop whining? Its a good point, he concedes. My honest answer is I think theyve all got to calm down . I think Trump has to have a more respectful relationship with the media and they have to have it with him.

For all Morgans ferocious rhetoric, he is surprisingly willing to concede points. Id found his defence of employers forcing women to wear heels suspiciously unpersuasive, and the more we talk, the more ground he gives. Im only saying it to keep the debate going, he admits at one point and when I remind him he praised Julia Roberts for going barefoot on the red carpet at Cannes last year, in protest at the festivals insistence that women attending screenings wear heels, for a fleeting second he looks sheepish. I thought that was quite cool, yes. In an interview with the Times last year, he in fact offered up Robertss protest as an example of what real feminism looked like, didnt he? OK, I think thats a fair point.

Real feminism, Morgan maintains, is not about being a man-hating victim but a strong woman. My mother is an incredibly strong, independent woman. My sister is. My grandmother was. I was brought up around incredibly strong, independent women. Im married to a strong, independent woman. I absolutely define myself as a feminist and take issue with people who think Im not, because by the yardstick of what I give to feminism, which is genuine pursuit of equality in all things for women, I think I pass that test, I do. I do, I love women. Ive always been surrounded bywomen who would never dream of being pushed around by men.

This, I suggest, might be the problem. Go on, he says, genuinely interested. Because Im actually on a learning curve here. When ones only ever known strong women, it can be easy to feel exasperated with those who have suffered experiences that make Morgans idea of strength a pretty tall order. It becomes dangerously easy to get angry with women who stay with their abusers, say, and mistake their predicament for weakness.

I get that. I get it. Totally. He thinks for a moment. I take your point. When I hear that Susanna went home and cried after the show, I would like to have known why, but she would see it as weak to tell me and I dont want her to feel that. He thinks again. You remember, we were put together on Good Morning Britain like an arranged marriage, and I think weve just got to know each other a lot better, and she sees a the upside of having these debates about sexism on air in real time, with me perhaps going on a little bit of a journey of discovery.

Morgans crusade against hypocrisy is, of course, somewhat undermined by the fact that he admits to being a total hypocrite himself Of course! All journalists are! For anyone looking for a reliable rule to explain his wild enthusiasms and fierce feuds, the secret, he says, is really quite simple. Im a human being. If people are nice to me, Im nice to them. An afterthought crosses his mind, and he laughs. Donald Trumps actually pretty similar.

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