#but i've seen some fucking appalling shit coming from them

[chuuya-fan-page]

This is your advice to block @chuugly-hate-page because they are not above actual hate speech

I've blocked and reported them but I cannot fucking believe the shit they're pulling, especially with what's happening in the world right now.

Hating a fictional character is one thing. Making shit up about said fictional character is another. But it's all stacking up on them now and they're disgusting. I could make an itemised list of the things they've said and done, but I'm not even going to entertain them anymore because they don't deserve any attention.

#I'm pretty sure saying Spanish is an “ugly demonic coloniser language” is also hate speech #Some other things they have done include; #mocking and insulting other languages #Repeatedly misgendering trans people #hate speech??? now??? #using ableist terms and insults #bullying and harassment #targeting abuse victims #and telling them they deserved to be abused #god i could keep going #but i've seen some fucking appalling shit coming from them #and they don't deserve any attention #tags so more people see; #chuuya nakahara #bsd chuuya #bungou stray dogs #bungou stray dogs chuuya #chuuya bsd #dazai bsd #bsd dazai #dazai osamu

[pessimisticpigeonsworld]

Hey hey hey just quick question, have you come across certain individuals arguing that Luke's death was justified or deserved bc "he ran away like a coward" and that Aemond had a good reason to kill him? I certainly am appalled by the idea of justifying or even cheering on the death of a child regardless of what he did or didn't do at like 7 years old (especially considering not even Aemond himself was planning on killing Luke, tried to prevent it from happening once he realized he lost control of Vhagar and the look on his face afterwards clearly indicates how shocked/full of regret he himself is), sorry for the long message I'd love to hear your perspective on this

Ugh yes, I've seen some of them pull this shit. Apparently TG stans enjoy infantilizing their favs while hating the blacks for actually acting their age.

They excuse Alicent's actions for the entire twenty years the show covers because she was a child bride. Meanwhile, Rhaenyra must act like a mature adult when she's fourteen and be completely understanding of Alicent marrying her father when she has no context for what happened.

They excuse Aegon constantly bullying his siblings and being a literal rapist because his "daddy doesn't love him". However, Rhaenyra is expected to be grateful for being allowed to pick the man who's going to view her simply as a baby maker, which she thinks because of the unaddressed trauma of what happened to her mother.

They excuse Aemond never maturing past one prank done by his brother (the pig prank) and believing blood purity because he was bullied :(. Meanwhile, Luke is demonized for attacking the older boy about to kill his brother (at least it looked like it, if we're being generous).

Now, Luke is being mocked for being actually more mature than Aemond and reacting completely reasonably to his situation. Luke chose to ignore Aemond's insults and stayed true to the oath he swore to his mother. He tried to leave Storm's End peacefully, tried to leave the situation without making the tensions explode into a full out war.

Aemond, who is three fucking years older than Luke, acted like a goddamn middle schooler, trying to get a reaction out of Luke. He chose to antagonize Luke and tried to start a fight in the middle of a dimplomatic mission. Then he chases Luke and his barely old enough to ride dragon on his giant war dragon through a storm yelling maniacally about maiming a child.

What sane person wouldn't run away from that? Luke was smart enough to know that he'd die if he stuck around Storm's End and he'd die if he tried to fight Aemond.

Both of them lost control of their dragons, Luke's trying to defend him and itself, Aemond's trying to kill Luke (which Aemond was basically communicating). Aemong somehow didn't realize that chasing a child through a storm on the biggest dragon alive wouldn't end badly, yet his stans constantly make excuses for him.

It's only TB that's expected to be perfect and act perfectly mature. The double standard is endlessly frustrating and headache inducing. The greens are ridiculous and infantilized by both the show and their stans.

#lucerys velaryon #pro lucerys velaryon #team black #anti team green #house of the dragon #anti aemond targaryen #anti aemond stans #anti alicent hightower #anti aegon ii targaryen

[ladykailitha]

OK so this one might be a little out there, but follow me on this brain worm that I've been stuck with for a few days now with. We have never canonically seen either of the older Harrington's. We've also never seen Dr. Brenner in a personal private life setting. That being said, what would happen if Dr. Brenner was Mr. Harrington?

Oh no. Don't do this to me nonny...I've got my own ideas on who daddy Harrington is and it's juicy.

Back when I was first getting into the Steddie brainrot someone posted that in 1985 the head of the Department of Energy was a John Harrington. Yup the same department that ran the lab in Hawkins. Now this can go one of two ways.

Mr Harrington was complicit in the creation of the lab and when things went to shit after season two was made head of the Department when a vacuum from everyone else being fired or dead. Knows Steve is involved, but doesn't care. Is also the reason for Steve not getting a job at his work, because as far as Daddy is concerned, Steve was part of the Scooby gang that fucked up a good experiment going.

Or if you want to believe that Harringtons don't suck, that back in 1978 Mrs Harrington (a lawyer in my head but could be a journalist or just a nosy Parker) got to digging into the lab so close their home and the DoE freaked and started sending Daddy on trips all over the country and maybe even the world to keep him from looking at the lab too closely.

Mrs Harrington was fed lies about her husband's infidelity (as in there never were any indiscretions, she just was told there were) and started going with him on trips to keep a tighter rein on him. Every time some shit went down in Hawkins, the DoE would make sure the Harringtons never found out and any phone calls about Steve's health were rerouted and they never got them.

In the wake of the 'gas leak' at the lab, Mr Harrington was made in charge of the DoE, which actually allowed the government to cover it up better because now they could send him overseas to other countries for longer periods of time while they operated under his nose.

Cut to Steve in the aftermath of Vecna, hiding how badly he was hurt, because he's. Just. Like. That. And his parents come home.

Mrs Harrington calls out to Steve, but he doesn't answer. So she goes up to his room, to find that he has a high temperature and burns her fingers to touch. She calls out to Mr Harrington who comes running. Mr Harrington scoops Steve up and carries him out to the car. He rushes Steve to the hospital and manages to save Steve in time, if he had been only ten minutes later, Steve would have succumbed to his injuries.

The Party rushes to Steve's side when they hear he's in the hospital and the Harringtons meet Steve's new friends. They are shocked to learn that they're all still in school and that's why they didn't know Steve was as bad as he was.

Robin and Dustin are trying to explain things to them, but they are confused. Mr Harrington lets it slip that he's in charge of the DoE and he doesn't know anything about monsters and little girls with powers. Dustin pales at the mention of the DoE and runs to go get the new rescued (and resurrected) Chief Hopper.

Hop explains things to them in a less jumbled, rambling way that Dustin and Robin were doing. And they are appalled.

There is a lot more to that that gets into Steddie a bit, but I won't go into that here. But yeah. I don't think Dr Brennan is Mr Harrington, I think he's much higher up than Brennan.

#my writing #asks #ladykailitha rants #steve's parents #meta #stranger things

[yourtoradorasextendedwarranty]

So, I'm watching a show called Oshi No Ko. And the story is a pretty complicated one. It focuses on the kids of an Idol. One who was extremely famous for a long time.

This screen shot, is from the most recent episode and got me to start thinking. We really do tend to be heartless monsters sometimes. I lose my head sometimes but I will often refrain from stuff that goes further than "Fuck You" or "Fuck off". Why? Because I want to be better than the worst of the things I see around me.

I saw this and watch as the episode progressed. It focuses on a very earnest girl that isn't the most pretty and doesn't stand out well. This despite being in the entertainment industry. An accident happens on set and as some fandoms do, they went straight for the throat. Moments later you hear rumor monologue which produces these:

And when I saw these my first thought was, "Oh......she's going to take her own life". Because the scene lasted for so long. She was trying so hard to just do her best. Except even if you take this away from Japan and look around the globe, we're all pretty fucked.

We took the idea of being anonymous with us from the birth of the internet, and now we walk around with are noses in the sky as if we own everything. Now a days you can just say whatever you want. And another thing dawned on me during this line of thought. "This is why it's so easy for people to dehumanize everyone they don't like nowadays. This is why it's so easy to see a person throwing a birthday party at a park, get pissed of that they are happy and you aren't and get them mobbed by claiming 'Nazis' knowing good well they probably aren't." It reminded me of this scene from a silent voice.

This is how we see people online. Not as real life people who have their own lives, thoughts, feelings, and circumstances. We see them as invalids who if they don't placate us, they are worth less than nothing. I keep up with people online and I can separate fantasy from reality. More than I can say for so many others. And I normally do not attack people so much as I just levy criticism of their views. Mostly only when it comes to things I find important.

However, I try to flush out my point in a way that is actual criticism, rather than something hateful or scornful. I'm not saying I always succeed in that. I do try though.

If I'm being honest. People who are depressed need to not be on social media at all. They need to seek IRL help. And we need to get back to a time we saw people as people. Once upon a time, there was a notion known as "Talk shit, get hit". Because no matter how you felt, being a punk wasn't acceptable. Now, not only is it acceptable. It's promoted, rewarded, and pushed as the norm. I now understand on a more foundational level why I see people say things like, "kys" in anonymous asks or similar things.

It's because they don't understand humanity at all. Moreover, their only experiences with "humanity" are fake interactions they have online. People being bots. And not in the sense of being "fake" so much as they are constructed versions of who they think others want them to be. They are bots in the sense that they are a robot, with a mask of their own face. Programmed to look as good an acceptable as possible.

Hell.....this is frankly hard to write about. And in truth, this message may land on deaf ears. I might not be able to save anyone or make people second guess sending disgusting levels of hate to others. Hell half the time I don't think I'll be able to save myself from the bottomless well I seem to feel like I'm drowning in almost every single day. When I'm mad most times. It's normally because I've seen the effects of things i'm talking about in my own life or the lives of those around me.

Realize that no matter how much you may think you hate another person......on the other side of that screen is a person just like you. They may be ignorant. They may be stupid. They may be downright appalling. They are still human.

Now I'm going to stop writing this before I'm overwhelmed with the worst parts of myself and I'll instead leave this.

[piko-power]

This sucks.

First animators and the animation industry, and now this.

The writers and the writing community are getting pushed aside all for some phoney baloney next generation of mankind.

The animators and animation were treated like a joke for so long all because some Oscar winning bitches thought it was for kids, even though it really isn't. It's for everyone. And it's been like that since literally forever.

Hell, even some movies and shows made for a younger audience like My Little Pony have huge praise, love and support from human beings of all ages.

Don't pretend shows like Futurama, Primal, Bob's Burgers, Inside Job, ect. don't exist because their animated. If done right, an animated show for adults can be outstanding. Sadly, there are some that are kind of try-hards (Swearing and sexual jokes every ten seconds or whatever) that is just becomes a mediocre, or worse, terrible show, that it might just prove someone's dumbass theory that animation is for kids and kids only.

Again, not fucking true.

My two favorite animated shows, both targeted at different audiences, are DuckTales and Futurama. I love their characters, the stories, the comedy, the drama, the music, but I especially love the animation.

DuckTales may have been made for a TV-Y7 audience, but the people who worked on it made it for anyone to enjoy, wether it's kids, adults, or fans of the original DuckTales show. It was made for ANYONE.

Just like every other "kids" show, anyone is allowed to enjoy it and scream their heads off over the coolest and craziest thing they ever seen on Gravity Falls or cry tears of joy when Luz and Amity are together in The Owl House.

Also, animators are fucking awesome and talented and even though it is hard work, it's what they love doing and it's what brings our favorite shows and movies to life.

Every day I think about any movie or show that has 3D animation, 2D animation, stop-motion, ect. and just go "Damn, that was the coolest thing I've ever seen in my life." Even though it was only, like, five seconds of animation of Sonic blinking and smiling.

Animation and animators deserve lots of support and love every day because of these great shows and movies.

But do you know who else made these shows and movies happen? Another group of talented humans that made them to begin with? That no media can live without?

Writers.

If you're gonna make something come to life in the wonderful world of animation, you gotta write and story.

Figure out the characters and what should happen in the third act.

Keep track of the story as the show goes on and write down the funniest one-liners Dewey had ever said.

You can't have literally any animated media without writers. No. Not just animated media. EVERY. SINGLE. MOVIE, OR, OR VIDEO GAME, THAT HAS EVER EXISTED.

These guys? Right here? Mean the whole world to me.

Even if it's fanfic writers, they are so goddamn amazing.

They are responsible for your favorite franchises. I can tell you right now that the world would be gone to shit without writers.

I write stories as well and let me tell you, it's also hard work, but dammnit I love it.

Writers and the writing community are one of a kind and they are extremely important. And just like animators, they are talented and love what they do.

But despite all of that, H*llywood has other ideas.

Ideas that should never light up even the cheapest of light bulbs.

Mother. Fucking. AI.

AI, also known as Artificial Intelligence (Doubt they have any tho) are the scum of the earth. For some time it was used for art, writing and even used for cartoon voices.

By the way, that's fucking theft.

There are literally real human beings who can draw for you, write for you, voice act for you, (By the way voice actors are also my whole world and I would be nothing without them) but you'd rather choose AI to do all of that for you??

I AM APPALLED.

Why would we even use AI at all when human beings, with a mouth, a brain and hands are RIGHT HERE?!?!

I DON'T CARE IF IT'S QUICK AND EASY THAT IS THEFT AND YOU KNOW IT!

YOU ARE TAKING AWAY A HUMAN'S TALENT'S OPPORTUNITY TO SHINE JUST FOR A STUPID ROBOT!

AND REPLACING REAL ARISTS AND WRITERS AND ACTORS TOO!

Also, some AI voice memes (Sonic btw) almost got an voice actor in trouble for something THEY HAVE NEVER SAID. Yeah. A robot almost got someone in trouble. That is really bad.

AI art and writing and theft and straight up plagiarism. And AI voices are theft as well. Imagine using an AI voice of someone who passed?

Do you know how fucking awful that sounds??

Yet today, people are still using this trash and worst of all, Hollywood is in on it too.

That is absolutely insulting and hateful towards artists and writers of all kinds.

I thought we were done treating talented humans with a heart like shit.

I thought we were done.

I thought we were fucking done.

I am tired of amazing artists and writers, especially writers, being pushed to the ground and being replaced with AI. I wish artists and writers don't have to suffer like this. They deserve better.

They deserve so much love right now.

These awesome people have no right to be treated like this. They are people too. They have feelings, and you are hurting them. Saying your using AI to write is literally saying that the writers are useless and you don't need them anymore.

You made them believe that.

That's why their on fucking strike.

Writers want justice. Writers want goddamn justice and you're not giving them that, all because you think AI is the short cut.

You can't even do anything now that their on strike, but the worst part? I have a feeling you're gonna keep using it anyway after this is all over.

Is that right? Do you still wanna be a piece of shit to these real talented creators, after all these messages we kept shoving down your throats?

I know I sound harsh but sometimes raising my voice is the only way for you to listen. But I know damn well your gonna keep ignoring me, ignoring us, so we're gonna raise our voices higher.

I wish AI never existed so that way these wonderful artists, animators, writers and voice actors would never be forgotten. I don't want them to be forgotten.

I mean it when I say they changed my life.

When I was a kid, I watched all of the bonus material from the movies I've seen. All of the movies. Something about watching all these behind the scene footages from artists and actor just makes me so happy.

All these people made all of our favorite movies and shows, even though it took them a long time to make, but they were having a blast making them. They wanted to make something special for the audiences, and they never stopped.

Especially when I watch interviews and I just have this fuzzy feeling that working on a movie or show in any role is such an amazing feeling. It inspires me to write to begin with.

I love hearing people's thoughts on the media they worked on and how it made them feel to see audiences loving the thing they were involved in. Makes me emotional every time.

In fact, there's one person who I absolutely adored for a few years and loved his works from beginning to end.

His name is Ben Schwartz.

Not only he's an actor but he's also a writer. He is so funny and sweet and just an amazing person. He is incredible and talented and always got that smile on his face.

He's the spirit of optimism in my opinion. He inspired me the most. To keep going.

And also? He's on strike too!

He is a writer so of course he's on strike and I am forever proud of him.

I am also proud of everyone who is on strike right now.

To the animators, writers and actors everywhere: Never stop fighting.

Even when the strike is over, for the love of God don't stop fighting.

You guys are kicking ass right now and you are making your voice heard, loud and proud.

I am so, so proud of all of you!

You deserve all the support, respect and love for the rest of your life for what you are doing!

Never stop doing what you love and keep going!

You got this!

To all the writers, animators and voice actors out there fighting for their voice: You are not alone and we love you!

✊NEVER STOP FIGHTING!! ✊

#piko rambles #writers guild strike #writers guild of america

[alligatorjesie]

you're really dedicated to making reylos look horrible. like maybe 60% of reylos are actually awful people right but you really just want to make it look like 100% of them are

Man, first off how fucking deep are you yanking these fucking numbers of your asshole because this is shit antis say. 60%? That's over fucking half. I've seen some pretty toxic fandoms, which reylo is most fucking certainty not fucking one of them, that have better numbers than that. Fuck the Star Wars fandom itself, you know the fandom that made the kid who played Anakin have to get therapy, the fandom that caused the man who played Jar Jar to consider killing himself, the fandom who made the actor who played adult Anakin quit fucking acting for a really long time, the fandom who made Gorge Lucas not want to make fucking star wars anymore, the fandom that made the actress who played Rey leave Instagram, and the fandom who made the actress who played Rose just leave the fucking internet entirely has a better statistic than that and there are actually nazis in that fandom, on top of all the shit I just listed which is hardly fucking everything this trash fandom has done. The worse I seen the Reylos do is get upset with John Boyega because he made comments about fucking his coworker and I'm pretty fucking sure Daisy Ridley, a married woman, wouldn't fucking appreciate that. Generally sexual comments are regarded as sexual harassment even if they're in tweet form. The reylos were more appalled that a man who is close to her and calls her a friend would say something like that. I don't make mean spirited sexual comments about my friends to goad people on twitter of all fucking places, that's fucking weird. Either way, what happened was fucking minor. John Boyega is still on twitter and fairly unaffected by the event. Daisy on the other hand was harassed off twitter and instagram by fanboys upset that a girl was the main character by sending her fucking death threats. These things are not the fucking same. If you fucking think they are you need to reevaluate your moral compass. What the ever-loving fuck is fucking wrong with you? But your shit morals aside: Mmm. But those reylos. Just thinking about how much they want to see the son of Leia Organa and Han Solo be redeemed and live a happy life for once is just enough to put any unsympathetic asshole's panties in a bunch. I'm being fucking sarcastic by the way. There is not a single fucking thing wrong with that mindset. What is a bad mindset is dedicating a large chunk of your life to hating what is essentially Space Beauty and the Beast because you can't emotionally comprehend a simple fucking redemption arc. No, I'm dedicated to telling anti assfucks to go fuck off and out of a tag they ain't got any fuckin business being in to fucking start with. I don't like Anime and wouldn't you fucking guess it? You'll catch me dead before you see me in the fucking anime tag being a useless twat to people in that fandom. Because I'm not a fucking twat. Well... I mean I am, but not to people who don't deserve it. Antis deserve it. Antis who come into my fandom space and actively harass me and my friends for enjoying a canon ship really fucking deserve it.

I don't fucking care what a anti thinks about me. I want antis to hate me, fuck they already do so what the fuck is a little more? I ain't winning you fucknuts over with honey any fucking day soon so baby it's time to get the Raid. I want every single anti who meets and fights with me to remember the fucking prick who told them to fuck off in such excruciating detail it would overfill a Jehovah's Witness pamphlet.

I want every single fucking anti asshole who comes into contact with me to remember the mean alligator reylo who told them they can kindly just pop their heads back into their shitty assholes where I can only assume their shitty opinion originate from and sonic roll out into low tide. I don't give a flying fuck and honestly at this fucking point I don't fucking care anymore. It's been 8 fucking years and if your opinion on reylo was this shit that long ago having one more telling you to kindly dick off isn't going to change your fucking mind. Oh no, one asshole thinks a reylo is an cunt, the same asshole who just told me statistically they already think over 60% of reylos are just fucking cunts so why the actual fucking Christmas Christ do you think I give a single solitary shit about you thinking I'm a cunt? Go ahead mate. I don't fucking care what you think. But you can close the door on your fucking way out and I hope it smacks you in the fuckin ass so hard it sends you flying out space never to be fucking seen again. Fucking Bye Felicia.

#reylo #anti talk #I have reached critically low levels of fuck oh no

[alostlittleriverlotus]

i am actually so fucking mad.

Tw/Cw for minor mention of r*pe/r*pist/sexual abuse and ableism towards NPD and just shitty behaviour overall.

So I checked my notifs on quora. I used to post answers to questions to fight the ableism and actually educate on there since Quora users are...so incredibly ableist and anti-intellectualism especially when it comes to personality disorders. I had answered a question on "are all narcissists dangerous" or some shit like that. And it was a while ago. Literally just saw a reply to my comment from a guy that took what I said in my comment and applied it to r*pists like "r*pists aren't actually bad, they just have a sexual disorder. 'sexual abuse' isn't real."

Bro. What the actual fuck? That was disgusting. Went on to his profile and saw he said it's okay to hit a "mentally challenged" person if they hit you to teach them not to hit. Um no, that is not how you teach ANYONE not to hit. And then gave advice on how to get a girl to talk to you by saying you had to bribe them. Ew. Ew ew ew ew ew!!!

What the actual fuck? Luckily Quora lets you delete comments on you answers so I did. That was appalling and disgusting. What the actual fuck is with anti-narcissists and especially the ones on Quora? What the fuck is wrong with Quora users in general?! That is probably the worst I've seen and it pisses me off as a victim of sexual abuse and having had MULTIPLE FRIENDS be sexually abused and my girlfriend be sexually abused. Do not compare sexual abuse to a fucking personality disorder! That was...probably the worst comment I've ever received and I've been flat out called an emotional leech that drains everyone around me and told I was lying about my ex boyfriend being abusive. What the actual fuck is wrong with people? You cannot even begin to compare the two. That is disgusting.

#actually npd #narcissistic #actually narcissistic #narcissistic personality disorder #npd #ableism #tw/cw #tw sa mention #cw ableism #I'm actually so mad because that is repulsive to reply with THAT #Quora being ableist as usual #npd stigma #sa mention #pissed off

[ursbearhug]

I think I've mentioned my interest in voice acting once or twice. That's just so genuinely curious profession and art form.

Now, I'm not that gifted when it comes to voice modulating, modeling or whatnot. I'm good at mimicking; like, I can go significantly higher or lower, when mimickng someone avisto, but cannot do so otherwise. My range is also quite limited.

But it's not about me for once.

When voice acting changed for reasons it should change in it's entirety; here's what I mean.

In "Craig of the Creek" Craig at some point matures and so does his voice. I don't know how it is handled in English dub but in mine, he just gets new voice actor. His new actor is not great but at least he's *consistent*. When we have flashbacks or something; it's still his new voice actor, not the old one. You don't randomly jump back and forth.

Sometimes voice actors change or mature. That's normal. What matters to me is that you either have one or the other. If actor is unavailable, you either wait for him or edit him out of existence. Don't mix. It's horrible.

In League of Runterra, Kai'sa has different voice actor than in Leauge. That's annoying to *me* because I know both voice overs and one is done better than the other (no shade to voice actress but she's just inferior). Same applies to Taliyah (which actually causes psychic damage to me because LoL Taliyah is just *chef's kiss*).

Now, the thing that pisses me off the most and is most egregious. And painful. Elsword. When I started playing in circa 2009-2010, we complained about voice acting and wanted Korean voice over. Then the huge fucking Gameforge fuck up and our server was German dub for 6 months. Not a single quick fix. But then - the horror. After 6 months, important updates, new voice overs... New actors that sounds nothing like previous ones and are appaling quality. Seen more so in newer characters because sometimes they are quiter or louder, sometimes they speak intangible nonsense, they stutter or have some other voice defects - if not health wise, then technology wise. It's fucking horrible. Eventually, we got Korean voiceover in options. All is good.

I wanted to go on a memory lane yesterday (with my broken headphones because fuck me) and I wanted to rip my ears off. I cannot prove it in any way shape or form, but Rena has just striaght up 3 different actors. They didn't bother to change voice lines from previous actor from 9 years ago. Now that's just fucking pathetic. One character, 3 voices.

Original actor was always a-okay (at least for Rena), especially now with all the memories and need to reminiscent. But the other 3? (or her aging up if it is the same girl, which is not likely but still - quit ciggarets girl) Change your profession, you're bad at this and Zeus Almighty save us. Also, Gameforge could really get their subjects either better studio or better something, quality has no business being this bad.

I also know how hard translation can be (have y'all seen ancient greek?) but get yourself better people for translating shit too. I know some words like 'Burst' have no translation, or words like 'Force' have awkward translations, but it can be done - I promise.

Yes, this is me distracting myself from my problems because I know if I think about them for a second too long, I will straight up kill myself.

[weepinglevi]

patience is a virtue

summary: college!au. all aged up. eren and reader continue with their sexual escapades. find part one here! warnings: 18+ minors dni. dirty text messages, dirty talk. dom!eren and bratty reader (i suppose?). throat fucking and semi-public sex. (no p in v tho) word count: around 3.5k A/N: i have a love/hate relationship with this eren ahaha, he's been ruling my brainrot ever since the last part so i hope you enjoy! there will be a part three eventually, so be on the lookout for that! enjoy your read and feedback is greatly appreciated! xx

you awake to your phone vibrating somewhere next to you. the hope of it only being a one-time occurrence quickly proven to be false as it just wouldn't stop. brr-brr. a second of silence. brr-brr. pause. brr-brr.

taking a mental note to never go to sleep again without turning off your phone, you roll over to your other side and try to ignore it. you could simply answer the texts, but that meant you'd have to open your eyes. and that whoever was texting you would win this weird battle you've just come up with in your head.

"if you don't pick up your goddamn phone, i'll smack you over the head with it," sasha groans from the other side of your shared dorm, words coming slurry with her tiredness.

brr-brr.

"i could also stick it up your ass, your decision," a pillow comes flying to your head, serving as enough of a warning for you to sit up in your bed, rubbing the sleep from your eyes.

"quit moaning, i'll turn it off now," you yawn, feeling around your bed for your phone, "you never hear me complaining about the shit you do in the middle of the night."

"that's because my shit is funny and not fucking annoying," she scoffs, followed by a muted thump as she is sinking back down into her pillows. sasha's way of ending the conversation.

you find your phone half-tucked underneath your pillow, the display already lighting up again. someone is desperate for attention, you think to yourself and unlock your phone with an annoyed sigh. the messages were coming from an unknown number.

thinking about your wet pussy. this is eren, btw. historia gave me your number. i told her you wouldn't mind you don't mind, do you?

in a matter of seconds, your heart is beating in your throat once more, just like this afternoon in that godforsaken computer lab. ears growing hot at his words, you could almost imagine the sound of him laughing at you again. with trembling fingers, you scroll down further.

anyway, let's do it again sometime i told you. i'll never let you forget about how you moaned my name i'm also not forgetting about how badly i want to fuck that pretty mouth of yours, so it's a win-win see ya, then

staring down at your phone, you don't know if you should answer him. and even if you would answer his texts, what the hell should you say? "fucking bastard," the words escaping your mouth before even realizing that you'd better keep quiet. the only thing that could make this situation any worse was if sasha were to wake up again.

scratch that, you think as you see eren's new messages.

how badly do you want to suck my cock? you looked really hot today, covered in my cum what, you're shy again?

there are two ways this could go: either you stand up, put on some clothes, and then go to eren's dorm to let hell rain upon him - or simply mute your phone and ignore him. deciding to go with the latter, you lie back down and save his number as "fuckhead", a small grin forming on your face. if he wants to be childish, then you can be, too.

the display still lighting up at a steady pace, you have to fight the urge to open his other messages. to physically prevent yourself from grabbing your phone again, you put your hands between your thighs and sigh. what the hell have i gotten myself into?

"so, who am i gonna have to teach some manners today?", sasha asks in the morning, "because there are only two valid reasons for sending that many texts in the middle of the night," she sits up in her bed and bends over to reach for her phone, "either someone's dead or there's a food sale."

cringing at the thought of having to read the countless other messages eren has sent throughout the night, you try to laugh at her comment, "of course, when there's food involved, you're all for it."

"girl's gotta eat," she claims, thankfully being too distracted by something on her phone to notice your strange behavior, "i'm gonna be back later than usual today, connie wants me to be his wingman again."

starting to go off on a tangent about how connie should just get a dating app already, sasha's words become more of background noise to you. you want to know what he wrote. what he has in store for you. at the same time, you curse yourself out. you're turning into a headless chicken and all of it because of eren fucking yeager?

you nod here and there, offering her a "yes" at what you believe to be fitting moments, desperately hoping she doesn't catch up on your restlessness. all the while the two of you are getting ready for the day. this goes on for a few more minutes and you have no clue what she's talking about now, so you decide to grab your phone and stand up.

"i'm gonna go for a run around campus, you want coffee?" you blurt out, interrupting her monologue. the device in your hand feels as if it's burning through your skin. slipping into your trainers, you're already halfway out the room, her perplexed "uh- yes, please," being muffled by the door closing behind you.

it's still warm outside - not as hot as yesterday, but warm enough for you to be glad to have forgotten your cardigan earlier. you let out a deep breath, trying to clear your mind. even though you told sasha you'd be out for a run, you walk at a slow pace.

some people are already wandering around campus, most of them on their way to a lecture. at this time in the morning, everyone has their heads full with their own worries so no one notices you slowly making your way off-campus.

arriving at a little park surrounded by trees, you sit down on the bench farest off. you notice your heart fluttering like the wings of a hummingbird when pulling the phone out of your back pocket. fuck him, you think once again while typing in your code. fuck him for making me feel this way.

12 unread messages.

didn't seem all too shy when i had my hand wrapped around your throat no need to play hard to get when i already had you if that makes sense? haven't fucked you yet doesn't mean i won't get to fuck you

all you want is to feel appalled by these messages. to screenshot them and send them to the dean. maybe even to his mother. sickened with yourself though, you already feel the familiar warmth creeping up your body, curling up in your abdomen.

i know you want it, too how fucking needy you were for me getting yourself off in public to the thought of me maybe you can tell me what exactly you were thinking of? gonna make sure to let your dreams come true, princess

pet names? you clench your fist at the thought of eren leaning over you, breathing the word princess into your ear. you have an inkling that he'd say it mockingly; spitting it out whilst gathering your hair in a ponytail, arching your back forcefully, and slamming his length into you without mercy.

no. you hate pet names. at least, you've always hated them.

i'm gonna find out if you're ignoring me right now remember, you're not the best actress. fucking suck at it, actually wouldn't want to be punished now, would we?

his last message echoed in your head. still coming to terms with the fact of what happened yesterday, now you have to deal with a whole new revelation: eren yeager being a cocky motherfucker pushing all the right buttons for you. even though you want to blast his ass for this, the mere thought of him being near you again is too sweet of an imagination.

you want to play this game, too. for whatever reason keep on riding this high, and you just know that no one could do it quite as well as eren can. somehow you can only imagine taking him on this ride with you, no one else.

so, in that manner you decide to ignore his messages. if he's desperate enough to keep on sending them in the middle of the night, you're sure it won't be long until he sends another text. and it would give him enough reason to try and punish you, whatever that might entail – you're excited to find out. fucking nervous, too. but then again, who wouldn't be?

you stand up and put your phone in your back pocket, a sense of excitement surrounding your steps as you turn left to make your way to the nearest coffee shop.

"something tells me you're ignoring me," of course, the moment eren's voice comes up behind you, you fucking flinch like a little bird that's been scared away, "mostly because i've seen you reading the messages, but what do i know?"

you turn to see him clutching his heart dramatically, "don't play with my feelings like this," he swoons, bringing one hand to his forehead. he's laughing again, all white teeth and bright smiles – you realize this is the kind of eren you rarely get to see. not the cocky bastard he normally portrays; right now, he seems to be a happy-go-lucky kind of guy, just enjoying himself. still, you want to show him that you can play just as well as he can.

crossing your arms in front of your chest, you slightly raise a brow, trying your hardest to not look as nervous as you feel. it's a lost cause though because you can already feel the tips of your ears glowing with heat again. can't things go my way for once? just once? you think and chew the inside of your cheek. you felt so sure of yourself just moments ago. how the hell can he have this sort of effect on you?

suddenly, his whole demeanor changes. before, he seemed laid-back, entertained by the game he played with you. now he leans forward, hands in the pockets of his jacket and an almost cruel smile forming on his lips, "don't try to challenge me in this. you'll lose."

you know that you should feel frightened. terrified, even. he's looking like a lion preparing to jump the antelope, a sense of alarming calmness around him that's causing the small hairs on your neck to stand up. but alas, the way he's looking at you seems to have the same effect on you his scent has.

"i told you not to ignore me," eren says and takes a few steps closer to you, "yet here you are, doing it again." the chuckle leaving his lips a stark contrast to his stern gaze, still trained on you. somehow, you feel awfully small again - still not frightened, though. you stare right back at him, tilting your head slightly as if you wanted to say "so what?"

"are you seriously that desperate to be punished?"

better now than never, you think and once again place a courtly smile on your lips, "seems like it."

for a split second, you see eren's smug look turn into a genuine smile. realizing that you're up for his game, he lets out a smooth whistle, "you do surprise me."

"if you wouldn't always be so full of yourself, i'm sure you'd have recognized this sooner," you can feel the confidence growing in yourself again. clinging on to it, you take a step toward him, "i'm full of surprises."

"oh, yeah? i bet you are," from the corner of your eye, you can see him lifting his hand. before thinking twice about it, you bat it away, "i'm not one for public displays of affection."

oh, it is on– eren's smirk turns into a full-fledged grin as he takes a grip of your wrist, "you sure about that?" lifting your hand to his face, for a short moment you think he's going to suck on your fingers again. but all he does is place a faint kiss on the back of your hand, "didn't seem like it yesterday."

"you weren't supposed to see."

"but i'm so glad i did," he leans forward, the two of you standing so close you can feel his breath on your face, "or else we wouldn't have this kind of fun right now."

still having a hold of your hand, he lifts his other to your jaw, gently tracing his thumb across your lower lip, "you looked so pretty in your skirt yesterday."

taking a leap of faith, you grab his hand, holding it in place and letting your tongue run across the tip of his thumb before biting down playfully. there's a hiss and then eren pulls away and grabs your arm, "come with me."

finally, you think and let him guide you to wherever he wants, let's have some fun, then.

on your way out of the park, you pass jean and marco. even though they stand to greet eren, he just raises his hand whilst not breaking his pace, "gotta go, have an assignment to work on."

"never seen you that determined, but go off," jean laughs.

before you know it, you're inside one of the countless maintenance sheds. pushing you against the wall, eren's movements seem to become more and more erratic by the second. pinning your arms over your head, he's looking down at you, breathing heavily. "you have no idea what you just got yourself into," licking his lips, he chuckles.

"oh, but i think i actually do," you smile innocently, fucking glad to have found your normal self again. admittedly, eren threw you off your game since yesterday – but it's just going to play into your hands now. he won't see it coming until it's hitting him straight in the face; that you're just as messed up as he seems to be.

"then prove it," he breathes against your ear, "tell me how badly you want it."

the stuffy air inside the dimly lit shed doesn't help with keeping eren's scent away from you. being so close to him, looking up into his shadowed face and right into his dilated eyes; you're like putty in his hands. you try to move forward, to touch him in some way because you just know that he'll feel so good under your skin.

"now now, princess," he moves even closer, wedging you between himself and the wall, "how about we learn some patience, first?"

you nod, but then grind up against his thigh, hissing through your teeth, "i worry i'll be a real handful." you know you could very well move your hands, too – eren seems to still be testing the waters as to how far he can go with you. but with him actually letting you grind on him; you decide to play into his hands.

your breaths grow quicker as you keep on, pace becoming erratic. all you want is to get rid of your track pants – come to think of it, what you actually want is eren under you whilst you continuously bounce on his cock. you want to hear him call you princess and immediately after call you his little whore because that's exactly what you are.

eren has a little smile on his lips and you know you should ask yourself why – because you're doing exactly what he has forbidden you to do – but you're too far gone. the heat growing, you feel your knees buckle but he's holding you up; one hand now resting on your waist for support. you're so close –

and then he pulls away from you, nearly causing you to topple over. chest heaving, you place your hands on your knees for balance, "what the fuck was – "

"patience is a virtue," interrupting you with a laugh, but his voice heavy with lust, "thought i might give you a lesson you're ought to remember."

you look up to see eren palming his erection through his pants, standing about an arm's length away from you, "but i have to admit, hearing you getting yourself off is fucking hot."

biting your teeth together, you straighten up and take a step toward him – only for him to click his tongue in disapproval, "you're gonna stay right there," tugging at his pants he raises his eyebrow, "i told you what i want, get on your knees for me."

"the fuck i will," you spit out and make a move again, grasping for his waistband. but eren is quick to take a hold of your hand and pushes you back to the wall, "come on, now, princess," he chuckles but his eyes are concentrated at you, "you want this, don't you?". he's asking for permission, the thought feeling very comforting to you. and also, very excited for what's about to come.

"of course, i do," you answer him earnestly, resting the back of your head against the wall, "or else i wouldn't be here."

"fantastic," he breathes, a little smile playing in the corners of his mouth, "then get down on your knees," placing his hands on your shoulders, weighing you down, "i won't ask again."

the change of tone in his voice has you nodding, slowly sinking onto your knees, you're bursting in anticipation. one hand finally pulling down his pants, he runs his other through your hair, then down your jaw until it comes to rest on your chin.

thumbing at your lower lip, he groans "do i have to be careful?"

you just shake your head no. then you break away from his gaze, fixing your eyes on the bobbing cock in front of you. it's tip leaking with precum already, you remember how badly you wanted to lick it away yesterday.

taking his cock at its base, you bend forward and slide your tongue around its head. the salty taste sending shudders down your spine, you make sure to lift your eyes again once you prepare to take it all down your throat. your other hand snakes up to his balls, slightly tugging them which earns you a moan from eren, and fuck, you're so wet at the sound alone, you let go of his cock and slide one hand down to your own center.

he gathers your hair in one hand, taking the base of his throbbing cock in the other, "bet this is what you thought of yesterday," he slowly but surely pulls your head in closer, "of how i fuck the words right out of you."

bucking your hips into your own hand, you can do nothing but whimper at his words. because yes, this is exactly what you imagined. he's only halfway in and you're already struggling to breathe, but not wanting him to stop you hold your breath and push down even further; trying desperately not to moan.

the tears in your eyes causing your vision to be blurry, you attempt to blink them away.

"shit – ", he's pumping into you now, rubbing the tears from your cheeks and then placing both his hands on your head, "you're doing so well – "

getting lost in his words, the fear of being caught is so far away; you finally moan around his cock. saliva soaking the hem of his shirt, you can't seem to take his whole length, no matter how hard you try. you're a fucking mess under him and the thought alone is nearly sending you over the edge.

he's trying to pull away now and you know he's close, so you snake your hand around his hip, hoping this is enough of a sign to him that if he dared to cum anywhere else than down your throat, you'd bite him.

"you really – " his voice is hoarse, "fuck – this is fucking perfect," he moans as he comes to the realization. leaning his arm against the wall behind you, he's fucking himself into your mouth, his panting and the sound of your choking filling the room.

you close your eyes to blink the tears away again, but eren pulls on your hair, "no – look at me."

with this the knot in your belly explodes, leaving you holding on to eren's hip as you ride the waves of electricity that are running through your body like lava.

"such a good little whore – " he's gone as well, holding your head in place as he's pumping his load down your throat, leaving you no other option than to swallow – which you eagerly do. you feel his legs shaking under your hands.

once again, eren hands you his shirt to clean your face. this time, you take it with a smile, noting that, "i still have your other one."

"don't worry, i'll come get it sometime when sasha's away," the two of you know exactly what this means – neither of you are planning on this to be over anytime soon.

"i'll let you know, then," you nod and stand up, hoping you don't look as well-fucked as you feel, and make your way to the door, "she's gone most of the time."

taglist: @jeageristbaby @icedkoffees @blondeboyfriend @peachysimp @levibasketcase @zimzalabim1110 @droolingoverfanfics

wanna be tagged in my next work? fill out this form.

#eren yeager smut #eren x you #eren jaeger smut #eren x reader #aot smut #aot x you #snk smut #snk x you #aot fic #eren fic #college au #tw: semi public sex #nsfr #weepinglevi writes

[thequantumqueer]

so I'm not gonna go the "sympathizer sympathizer" route, because that's dumb, but "conservatives would become leftists if they weren't being manipulated and maybe if we just educate them hard enough they'll come around" is a thing I've seen people express pretty frequently on the left and also maybe why the right thinks we're all so condescending

oh yeah no thats not what im going for at all. “maybe if we educate them hard enough” is also a big problem. conservatives arent like, too stupid to realize whats going on, or whatever. mostly theyre just as scared as everyone else, and all theyre trying to do is make sure everyone they care about survives and doesnt end up on the street.

they know community support is the only way to make it through, and so when things get rough they reach out to the groups they’re already part of: their church or their PTA or their booster club or whatever they happen to be a part of. and, i want to be absolutely clear on this: that’s exactly what they should be doing. when the left talks about organizing your community, we should be pointing at shit like that as a shining example of the things we mean.

the problem is that those communities are full of people who, just like them, are afraid of what it might mean if things are bad and getting worse; if they can’t trust the government they’ve helped give so much power to; if the wackadoos on the left who keep shouting about the end of the human race aren’t actually wackadoos. they, and everyone who supports them, are accutely aware that if they’re wrong then not only do they have several thousand times more to be afraid of, but they have to deal with guilt on top of that

and so they (subconsciously) look at themselves and evaluate how they, as a person, would deal with being on the wrong side of one of their “if it’s not true, then nothing matters, but if it is true, then nothing else matters” arguments and conclude, much as just about anyone else would, that they would deal with it real fuckin badly. and then they look around at the people who are depending on them to keep it together, and they decide, much as anyone else would, that anything that puts them in danger is unacceptable, which means they can’t fall apart like that, which means they can’t accept the possibility that theyre wrong

this isnt some theoretical profile of someone i think is probably fairly average. this is a description of my mom, who’s convinced she’s a super weird person because she *checks notes* farts, likes snakes, owns a motorcycle, kept the cornish game hen my sibling mummified for a school project, knows how to build a fire, and has adhd and anxiety

over and over again, for almost a decade now, she has responded to everything from subminimum wages in sheltered workshops to the fact that people in charlottesville were holding swastika flags and chanting “jews will not replace us” the entire concept of conversion therapy to with the words “that’s ridiculous; i can’t believe that.” every example i point to is met with “there’s always going to be whackjobs” because that’s what she needs to believe

i saw something a few years ago that said the only strategy the left needs is to ask people what they need and then give them that without questioning them or arguing, and that’s what it’s going to take to bring most conservatives around; whether they’re consciously aware of it or not, they are not in a situation where it is safe for them to think critically about things, and in many cases haven’t been for so long that those skills have started to atrophy, but theyre competent adults, and they know when theyre being talked down to. all they need is the security to know that if and when they have a nervous breakdown, the people they love are going to be fine until they’re back on their feet.

im just appalled at how often people on the left seem to completely forget that their opponents are real, complete people with their own thoughts and needs and motivations, and not just sort of this weird faceless conglomerate of “either theyre a nazi or theyre a nazi thrall, and either way fuck ‘em”

i choose compassion, and i ask anyone who doesn’t why not

#wild doge appeared. much wow

[thelucyverse]

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3

I end up in the middle of an informal Order meeting- just a dinner, I suppose, but it looks like a meeting to me as I have only seen these people at Order meetings in the past years.

"What are you doing here?" Sirius asks, in a mixture of confusion, anger (at the world in general and because he can't visit his best friend all the time, being his secret keeper) and happiness (because I was a distraction from anger and frustration?).

"I- something happened. V- /the Dark Lord/," I catch myself, being around them almost made me forget the danger of that name, "he had some of his followers under a kind of mind control- I broke it, and there was chaos, and a few death eaters died- you can put Malfoy and Greyback on that list, one of the Carrows too I think, and Nott and Avery were in pretty bad shape last I've seen- and-" "Malfoy him or Malfoy her?" Sirius asks. I want to raise an eyebrow, say 'I didn't know you cared', but then I catch the way he is looking in the direction of the kitchen. Oh. Andromeda. I hadn't realised she was around. "Just him" I quickly explain. "Actually, that's another thing- I didn't exactly come here alone..."

There is definitely a lot of shouting involved, and I am just about ready to run outside, grab Bella and get away from here, when Andromeda stomps out of the kitchen and past everyone to open the door. Suddenly, it's very silent in the living room.

"Narcissa." Andromeda says, her voice cold but her resolve to stay that way definitely wavering. "And- Bella, you too? Regulus??"

"What?!" Sirius pushes her out of the way to see his younger brother. "Reg?! What the fuck?! Wait, you were under mind control??"

"Uh, no, actually" Regulus winces, scratches his head, taking an involuntary step back. "Really just didn't know how to get out, at this point... Did try to do some shit, but someone had gotten there before me, and then I kinda didn't have the energy to try again..." Sirius groans and shakes his head at him. "Fucking Slytherins..." "He took down Carrow" Bella interrupts. There's definitely some pride for her cousin in her voice. "You what?"

Interrupting before this gets more chaotic than necessary, I explain: "Actually, out of the three, only Bella was under the mind control. There were others, I have a few suspicions but nothing confirmed. Narcissa was magically bound to her husband in some way, but- well, he's dead now." no need going into the fact that I broke the connection beforehand. People know of your power- people want you to use it. Bad enough I can't pretend like I didn't do the rest- but, if I play it right, maybe it'll just look like it was another Dark Mark related thing instead of soul magic. As long as Bella and Narcissa play along... I curse myself for talking so openly earlier. Heat of the moment...

"And- what? We're supposed to believe that they are just immediately reformed?" Andromeda snaps, pulling me from my thoughts. "In case you have forgotten all about it, my dear sisters never stood up for me when I was cast out, and I'm fairly certain they weren't under any mind control then!" I pinch my neck. "Andromeda" I say, holding up a hand to silence her as well as her sisters. "They would have just been cast out too if they had tried to help you, what did you expect? They're Slytherins, some healthy egoism is in their blood! And-" I take a deep breath- "yes, they grew up around blood supremacy ideology and probably never questioned it much, but tell me- if you hadn't fallen in love with Ted, if you hadn't had any /reason/ to question it yourself, would you have acted any different than them?" Andromeda is silent, and I sigh. "Yes, they aren't perfect people, but they are ready to act against the Dark Lord, and isn't that all we need to know right now? You don't need to get on, but we can't afford to be picky with our allies at the moment."

Andromeda nods, stares at her sisters for a long moment and turns around to disappear in the house. In that moment, however, Regulus cries out and lands on his knees, hand pressing against his arm. I curse. "Fuck!" I should have thought of that, I should have /anticipated/ that and done something about it! Of course, the second maze of dark marks hadn't been broken, and Regulus hadn't been part of the first...

Bending down to get a better look at it, I am appalled: this isn't just a second round of the same thing, but a new, terrifying curse instead. This isn't just meant to curse pain and summon people, this is-

Breaking away from the magic with a gasp, I sit back and disarm him, then grasp Regulus' face, force him to look into my eyes. "The Dark Lord can control you through that" I hiss. "And it isn't- it isn't like the others, and I don't have /time/, he's going to act, he might try to take over your body- the only way to get rid of it I can think of is to get rid of the arm. Regulus?" He stares at me, shell-shocked and still obviously in pain. Then he presses out: "Do it."

I turn around to the others, looking for help. "Does anyone- he'll need medical attention at least-" "I'm getting Pomfrey!" Dädalus Diggle squeaks out and disapparates. I wince. Pomfrey means Dumbledore. Well, best get it all over with. I turn around to Regulus- only to find him staring back with unseeing eyes. Fuck. He turns on the spot, trying to apparate- and falls on his face. Thank Fuck has I thought to disarm him. It's easy to tie him up now, and he doesn't seem to be properly possessed by anything that could talk- Voldemort probably just sent out a generic 'come home' signal.

"What's happening to him?" Sirius shouts behind us, alarmed. "The fuck did she just say was happening" Bella hisses at him, and I smile at her protectiveness of me. Whatever else happens, I think we can figure out the thing between us.

The /cracks/ of apparition around us alert us of the arrival of newcomers, and we all immediately raise our wands in defence- it's Dumbledore, Mad-Eye, McGonnagall and Pomfrey (do they hang out for tea together, or what?), but I don't lower my defence immediately. "How many stories does the house behind us have?" I hiss. "Two" Dumbledore answers calmly. "It is really just us. Now, what is going on her?" "Constant vigilance!" Mad-Eye booms "She has it right! All of you, lowering your wands like little-" "Alastor!" McGonnagall interrupts him indignantly. In that moment, Dädalus arrives, carrying an assortment of medical equipment and potions bottles. Pomfrey steps forward to take some of them of him. "I was told there would be a patient?"

"Not yet" I say, nodding to Regulus. "But could we maybe move inside first?" that leads to another discussion ultimately abandoned for the moment when Regulus starts to twitch and I can see the curse slowly flickering past his elbow...

Mad-Eye is the one to do the actual amputating, and while I don't understand that choice, I believe in Pomfrey's judgement, and I'm glad it doesn't have to be me. Somehow, blood and open wounds in a medical environment are just more bile-inducing than in battle. Plus, it means I can be there for Bella when the continues discussion amongst the people not involved in the amputating turns back to what to do and where to go. We can't exactly keep standing just outside of the Fidelius property forever.

"Oh, for god's sake!" I finally hiss- for a moment then, I am afraid because I used a muggle idiom, but then I remember where I am. I turn to Dumbledore. "Let's use your pensive. You can tell when a memory has been tampered with, can't you? Let's go." Mad-Eye comes with us, and the five of us apparate to the Hogwarts gates. It is the first time I actually see the castle. It is, somehow, both more and less impressive than expected. Narcissa is the first Dumbledore asks for her memories. They are a jumbled mess of colours and shock and /fear/, neatly highlighting the scene where she /has/ to check on Lucius when he is unconscious, not revealing much about my actions apart from the fact that I used an imperius on Malfoy. Dumbledore raises an eyebrow at that, but he doesn't comment, and Mad-Eye just snorts: "Had it commin'!" Bellatrix' memory is first even more jumbled than Narcissa's, darkness of hatred clouding thoughts and judgement, only to go over in sharp, clear pain when her soul is healing herself. She doesn't show the scene of me telling them about soul-magic, either. Then I show my recap- how Bellatrix first changed after going to a meeting with Voldemort, how others had similar changes or behaviors, how Bellatrix collapsed under some outside influence- then back to how Narcissa never seemed to like her husband, how I cut the connection to him, and finally how, through Lucius' eyes under the imperius, I broke the connect of the Dark Mark to Voldemort. Dumbledore and Mad-Eye seem to buy that as the full story. After each taking a magicians' oath not to knowingly and actively aid Voldemort in any way (I demanded the phrasing instead of a vow not to act against the Order. That had too much room for complications), they were given the Secret of Tine Cottage, and we went back to Headquarters.

Just as Regulus is sitting down on the chair next to sirius, one cursed arm lighter and a grim expression on his face, Snape stumbles in- and it is that stumbling that saved him, because instantly, Mad-Eye, McGonnagal and I all have our wands pointed at him. The others would have probably just kept them pointing in threat, but I immediately disarm and stun him. "What-" squeaks Dädalus. I shake my head, walk over, kick away his wand and cast a diagnostic. I shiver. I might not like the man that much, but he doesn't deserve this. "It's the same as Regulus" I say slowly. "Only I don't think it's on his arm... The tattoo on his arm is empty, it must have been one of the ones I destroyed... This one is on his chest, over his heart." McGonnagal gasps in shock. I had heard that she and Snape are something like friends, now, or at least good colleagues, despite her having been his teacher not too long ago. I feel sorry for her.

"What can we do?" Regulus asks, staring at the pale form of Snape on the ground. I realise that he must have just found out that Snape isn't on Voldemort's side. "Right now, we have to make sure he can't move or talk, no matter what the Dark Lord wants him to do. Madam Pomfrey?" She sets to work putting Snape into a magically induced coma. I am thinking hard now. "Dumbledore- can you be sure that your Fidelius holds when Riddle possibly saw every last thought in Snape's head?" "The Fidelius is a charm of-" "I don't need a lesson, I need an answer!" I hiss. Some of the others are clearly distraught by the way I am talking to their leader, as if they don't remember that it was the same way before I went undercover. "...rest assured, it will hold." Dumbledore answers. "Now, my dear, I believe we have to have a discussion long overdue- while I am gratified to hear that Tom is weakened, your rash actions have put many at risk, including Severus here. And of course, the use of the Imperius curse-"

I explode, barely hearing how Mad-Eye grumbles about the unforgivable curses being legal for aurors at wartime. "Oh /shut up!/" I shout. "Shut up with your holier than thou attitude, and don't you dare talk down to me again calling me your 'dear'! I had acted immediately because it was already happening, you saw the damn memory, you saw how Bella collapsed, but I suppose I should have just left her to die 'for the greater good'! And don't pretend to even care about Severus, you wouldn't even have let him join the Order if we hadn't talked you into it, after all you already had your spy! And don't think I didn't notice how you didn't even care to mention Regulus- he's sitting here and missing an arm! And the goddamn imperius curse was fucking necessary to break the curse in the marks, plus it's not like I could have let Lucius go otherwise, anyway, yes maybe there would have been a better way but not in that moment when I didn't have any time! And /don't you dare pretend you have never done something questionable!/ I know your history maybe better than anyone else in this room apart from yourself, or /including/ if you've deluded yourself well enough! So be damn. Fucking. Careful what you say to me." panting, I sit down, and feel Bellatrix grabbing my shoulder in support. Mad-Eye slides over a glass of whiskey. There's a glint in his eyes as if he's glad to see Dumbledore taken down a notch- funny, I would have thought he was an Albus Dumbledore fanclub fanatic. But I detect no poison in the alcohol, so I down it. Needed that right now.

Dumbledore is silent. Everyone is, really. I sigh. While I'm glad the old man is shutting up for a moment, we still have a war to plan.

"How many of the- /items/ regarding Riddle's downfall have already been collected, and how many more do you think there are?" McGonnagall says. 'Items', really? What, does she think we're all going to turn into vicious crazed murderers to split our own soul if we find out what Horcruxes are? "You got three, right?" I ask. I got Hufflepuff's cup from Bella- uh, you probably don't remember that anymore, you asked to be obliviated afterwards-" "I remember leaving it in Gringotts like he asked, despite my- doubts-..." Bella murmurs. I can't help it, I grin proudly. "You got back into the bank immediately after, got the cup and asked to be obliviated of anything after you first left the bank. Terribly clever, that!" "Wait, was that while she was under the mind control thingy?" Sirius asks, and Regulus leans forward too, probably personally interested. I grimace. "The control she was under wasn't as- explicit- as the one you experienced. It wasn't like she was possessed, she was still herself for the most part, just- more open to murder and serving the Dark Lord unconditionally, basically... And she was already fighting it." then I remember something: "Oh! Wow, how the heck I managed to forget about this I don't even know" I exclaim, then mutter: "it's oozing evil so you'd think I'd've noticed, but I guess there's been too much of that today..." I pull Tom Riddle's diary out if my coat pocket, only touching it with my sleeve. "Number five! Got it from Lucius Malfoy's study. And- I don't actually think there are currently any others? If V- /He/ gets a familiar, we should make sure to kill that too, in case he's twisted enough to try something on a living thing, but otherwise..." silence falls in the room. Then, excited chattering from just about everyone. Despite myself, I have to grin, too, and reach up to squeeze Bella's hand that's still on my shoulder. The war is coming to a close.

Remus Lupin- the only spy we have left- arrives to report that the werewolves are in disarray, and while them not having a leader isn't an ideal state re: not killing anyone on the full moon, it's still definitely better than being lead by Greyback, who would have them kill on purpose. Also, not many of them are going to follow Voldemort- apparently, the Deatheater liaisons just stopped showing up. That's something. Are other Deatheaters just disappearing, too? Fleeing or dead? I wonder. And I propose an idea: to lure out Voldemort and all his followers for one big final battle to get rid of them all with a bang. Because while getting rid of the Dark Lord himself is the main goal, I'm afraid many if the Deathesters aren't quite as worshipful of him as they might have been in the distant future- they still see an organization that he happens to be the leader of, not a philosophy that stands and falls with him. If we take him out, what says another won't take over? "We know he has less people in his ranks than before, possibly less than he knows, probably less than the followers he still does have know- he wouldn't tell them that their position is weakened. If we can lure his army somewhere into the open- a field, or even Hogwarts grounds as long as the school is still closed- we can disappear in his army, dressed as Deatheaters ourselves, and take them out from within before it can even come to an attack" I suggest.

That leads to another great discussion, but in the end my idea is accepted. Which leads the question: how do we lure him out, what do we use as bait? "I have the full prophecy of which he only knows half." Dumbledore tells us. "What prophecy?" "Prophecy, what prophecy?" oh, how nice to see that his people are always fully informed of what's going on. Not. An explanation (and a lot of sneering about wanting the prophecy to come true from my side to Dumbledore, which leads to Sirius and Remus getting mad at him too in defense of their godson) later, Narcissa asks: "But how do we get the Dark Lord to go after it?" before immediately blushing, looking down and wanting to disappear. It's the first time she has said anything in this meeting. "We could use Snape" Bella chimes in. I grin. "That's a grand idea- he knows Snape's a spy and undoubtedly also who he is with, he's going go keep trying to look through his eyes... If, the next time Pomfrey would have to renew the coma spells, we just chain him to the bed instead and let him wake, we can have people visit him- several, to make it more believable, with most just there to talk to Snape and try to talk him out of his mind control- but me, or one of you two- or Regulus, too- we could go in to speak to Voldemort through him, to taunt him, to make it seem like we think we've already won because of what the prophecy said..."

Getting Voldemort to bite is disgustingly easy. We put Snape in a hospital bed in Hogwarts to make sure Voldy will come to the right location, then Dumbledore comes to talk to Severus about fighting the evil within while completely ignoring all that Tom has to say to the topic- next is Lily, who has a pretty good fake cry, pretending that she wants her best friend back while of course the true reason is for old Morty to see her at Hogwarts- if the prophecy isn't enough, the prospect of getting to the Potters /and/ the prophecy might do. And then, entry Bella, laughing mean and half-crazed about what she has heard about the prophecy the Dark Lord was so in love with, and that he would never get to rule ever again because he was stupid enough to believe half-knowledge was enough, and that little attacks by his followers were getting him anywhere, how good for us it was that he holed up his own power in a cave to rot. Yeah, Voldy-Snape snarled pretty impressively when she left the room, I'm kind of sorry for the state of Snape's teeth from all that grinding them.

Meanwhile, we have copied Death Eater masks and cloaks while also managing go get in contact with a few of the others I had suspected to be under 'mind control'. Arleen Singer, Corban Yaxley, Sabina Frey... Sabina has scars on her face she hadn't had when I had last seen her, and a part of me feels guilty for not making sure that she got out of Malfoy Manor safely- on the other hand, I'm just glad the scars aren't on mine of Bellatrix' faces.

On the day of the battle, everything feels rather anticlimactic. We had all preparations ready days before, having hurried not knowing when Voldemort would come, and even though he comes in the dead of night, many are already awake and the rest do wake when the first alarm is triggered. We move, silent and disillusioned until we reach our location, into the rows of death eaters and the rest of the Dark Lord's followers. We had decided to go in pairs, to pre-decided locations far enough apart that the stunning spell-bombs we have won't reach the other pairs. There was much discussion about what to do about Voldemort, now that he is most likely mortal, too, and in the end Mad-Eye ended the discussion by stating that as an Auror, he has a kill order on that man, and he won't do anything less. Dumbledore isn't happy about it, but he doesn't need to be. Squeezing Bella's hand under our Death-eater robes, I wait for the signal. It's pretty obvious when it happens- green light where Voldemort stood in the middle of his army, two flashes- one for the snake, one for the man. Then green sparks, the all clear.

Voldemort has fallen.

The Dark Lord is no more.

There will be time for relief later, now I have to move: I activate the ring of the spell-bomb in my hand, aiming away from us, while Bella does the same. As soon as the chaos starts, we scream as if surprised and run forward- past the line that ends the area that is going to trap the Deatheaters. Once we are past it, we pretend to be caught as if by invisible strings- as if this is the dangerous area, and not the one the Deatheaters are already on. The few others who weren't hit stumble back, afraid, and the two who do move forward past the line are caught by actual spells when they don't pretend to be caught to indicate that they belong to us.

Counting the figures with their hands in the air in the position as arranged, I smile when I see that we all made it back out alright. Raising my hand and shooting green sparks in the air, the rest of our team raise the anti-apparition, anti-magic in general wards on the area the Death eaters are on, plus physical shields not only surrounding the area but also in partages, in case one of them goes on a rampage he won't be able to get to everyone of them now. Deatheater or not, those people should get a trial now that the war is over. McGonnagall sends a patronus to the ministry, and Mad-Eye goes to collect more Aurors.

I don't stay to find out what happens next. My part is done here.

In the Great Hall in Hogwarts, breakfast is layed out. I sigh as we enter, leaning into Bellatrix, finally able to relax somewhat. Bella smiles, then slowly walks over towards the Slytherin table, stroking her hand over the old wood. What memories is she thinking on? "What would your house be?" she asks me instead. "I know you were never sorted." I frown. I had never given this much thought. During the war, I had done many things one could call stupidly brave, but I hadn't done them out of chivalry or to prove that I wasn't afraid. Many actions were, of course, means to an end, calculating in Slytherin ways... And I had had to be clever, and I valued intelligence. But then again... "The sorting hat usually decides what house you are at eleven" I muse. "Had I been sorted at that age, I would have undoubtedly been a Slytherin, angry at my fate, at the world, ready to do just about anything to anyone to get what I wanted. Then throughout my life, however... I did things that fit in all four houses. Maybe not Gryffindor, at the very least less. But at the moment, what I would choose, or what the hat might choose for me based on my values? Hufflepuff. Kindness, loyalty, we need more of that in this fucked up world."

Part 5

#wip

[punkscowardschampions]

Ava & James

Ava: I've told all my family James: oh Ava: Maybe don't oh that hard Ava: thinking you've changed your mind and that's going to be very difficult to do a 180 on tbh James: I'm actually thinking about Bella's dad's reaction Ava: As far as I'm aware, my dad doesn't have a shotgun Ava: or an excellent moustache Ava: definitely not James: Mine does, on both counts, but the mentality simply isn't there James: war of words is as far as things have so far escalated Ava: That's a good visual Ava: what about your mum? James: she's very busy lining up every single woman she's aware of between the ages of 20 to 30 within a mile radius or so Ava: Very Mr Darcy Ava: I'll gatecrash James: I look forward to the dramatic dance scene during which we only touch palms & exchange looks Ava: I bet Lizzie Bennet didn't 😳 Ava: shame my sister isn't around to push over so your parents are forced to take us in whilst she languishes James: 😂 James: I'll happily push my sister over or let her fall through an iced over pond to further our romantic narrative Ava: 💘 Ava: I know it's less about me but I can swoon nonetheless James: if you're 😳 then you'll have my full attention regardless Ava: Promise? James: yes Ava: even if the single ladies have really good period costumes? James: well, I hadn't considered that Ava: 😏 Ava: rude James: before I decide, what are you going to be wearing when you gatecrash? Ava: Obviously something unexpectedly knockout Ava: am the protagonist, need I remind you James: okay, what I'm hearing is anything you already own or could pick out from anywhere given a few moments Ava: You're adorable Ava: how did it go really then? James: does that mean I'll get to see you before there's a seasons changing montage? because I really want to Ava: Providing you don't need to exile yourself, of course James: I'm sure there's now several people in both our lives who would like me to, but I won't Ava: They were as receptive as I expected but I've made it clear I won't be stopping seeing you, hopefully put to bed the concerns I can James: in my case, the only concern is outward appearances so there's very little I can do even if I particularly cared to James: & Teddy isn't concerned so much as shocked & appalled Ava: Of course Ava: at least I'm an addendum re. the main issue of the whole divorce, in that case? Ava: yeah, do you think I should make a point of talking to him or give him space? James: will you? as far as he's concerned I haven't made a good decision within his living memory, but you two are friends, or were Ava: I'll try, definitely Ava: if I can make him see it's as much my decision as yours, it might help, in the end Ava: and I can handle another person having their say James: thank you James: I meant what I said, I'm more than willing to discuss this with your parents, at any point James: I can handle that Ava: Thank you Ava: I think it might help Ava: but I also think I'm gonna give them a cool-off period or it won't be at all helpful and that won't be at all your fault James: understood James: I'm currently having to employ a similar situation with Jay's playdates because her friend's mothers cannot possibly keep their nose out of my business or their mouths shut about where hers is and every other single detail they believe to be fact Ava: Oh lord Ava: I wouldn't have envied you having to socialize by-proxy with the self-professed yummy mummies before but now Ava: I can only imagine Ava: Poor Jay Ava: I can't offer a human child for playdates but Frank is always down Ava: and my lips are, naturally, sealed James: I was hoping to take them away for a few days but it's as though my dad has decided that in lieu of my failings in other areas I need to suddenly become the hardest worker in the history of this company Ava: Of course Ava: Hmm James: because obviously what my children require most in their mother's absence is to also see me less Ava: Well, yeah, that's not potentially traumatizing Ava: thank God for School being right 'round the corner Ava: and Matty still being portable James: I've been bringing them both to the office & the bulging vein in his temple is honestly such a strong contender for the book cover Ava: 😏 That's how you do it Ava: risk his health and wellbeing so you get the time off for yours James: King's didn't teach me everything I know, I've got a few tricks Ava: When are you giving me that tour? James: When can I see you? Ava: When is your dad not working you to death? Ava: I can make it work James: [A pause while he figures that out] James: he's out of the office all day on [a date in the foreseeable to make this office hookup a thing] Ava: No offense but if your brother shows up again you need to send him on a really long coffee run James: as you said, school is right around the corner, meaning my parents priorities have shifted back to making sure he'll go Ava: In that case Ava: 😈 James: 😇 for saying yes Ava: I have ulterior motives, I promise you James: oh really? Ava: really Ava: it's very unfair I've yet to see you in your work clothes James: [sends her a pic because nobody can stop him] Ava: um hello 😍 Ava: you're really going to be away from me looking so good Ava: unfair James: I'm sorry James: I really, really am Ava: Me too Ava: I've not seen you enough to warrant how badly I want to right now James: [a casual essay about how much he misses her and wants her and everything he wishes they could do, in a saucy way but also just in cute ways like] Ava: James James: Ava Ava: I really love you, you know James: I love you too James: what I most wish is that we could go away for a while Ava: That would be Ava: so good Ava: maybe we could in like the Christmas hols, when everything has calmed down Ava: hopefully James: it would be indescribable Ava: I have no doubt you would do your best Ava: and it'd be impressive James: the subject matter lends itself to nothing but my best Ava: I'm honoured🙇 James: so am I, especially by that visual Ava: Gutted I'm out rn and can't immediately fulfill that wish for a visual like you did Ava: when I get back though James: [sends her an even better visual] James: until then, there you are Ava: oh, well, you aren't distracting at all 😖 Ava: definitely gonna get you back when you're so hard at work James: 😈 James: I so badly hope you do Ava: I intend to Ava: every day of the week Ava: but especially when I get to come see you James: you know, the things I intend to do to you on this desk drastically shifts the audience we're going to be able to pitch this book to Ava: You'll have to restrain your imagination in the write-up so the audience can use theirs to fill in the blanks Ava: because there's no way we're leaving your office 'til we've done everything you've thought of James: finally some overtime I'm not upset about Ava: It's all about balance, right? 😇 James: & I'm aware that you've got very good balance Ava: Will that help me be the best good luck charm on your best I can be? 🤔 Ava: intriguing 😋 James: absolutely, but if you need any more help, I'll help you Ava: You're very helpful, baby James: I try to be Ava: I've never met anyone like you James: I don't think I'll ever meet anyone else that comes close to you either James: I certainly haven't before Ava: Good Ava: I don't need to think about competiting so soon James: you don't need to think about it, full stop Ava: not 'til the dance, anyway James: even then, I'll only have eyes for you, that's the cliche Ava: Of course Ava: doesn't mean I'm not gonna do everything within my power to ensure it's worth your 👀s while James: I don't want to dance with anyone else, Ava James: I don't want to do any of this with anyone else Ava: I know Ava: you know I feel the same too James: you know I couldn't have done this without you though Ava: You did it all though, all the hard conversations and hard decisions James: a lot of those decisions were made for me, so there's limited credit due, & a lack of conversation with her just cements that Ava: Yeah but the ball is in her court on that one Ava: you're if not ready at least willing whenever she is James: of course, because that's not a decision, to not act, not any more Ava: yeah, and that's going to be a good thing Ava: even if it is not good all the time James: I'll be interested to see if she gets in contact before school starts because that's unlikely to be a good thing Ava: Yes, I wonder if this is just a summer holiday or Ava: makes you wonder what she's even doing that could keep her so 'busy' James: whoever cleans the pool, probably, not that she'd ever admit to such a cliche Ava: 😬 Ava: definitely not getting paid enough James: 😂 Ava: I'm just glad that right now you don't have to deal with her on the day to day, even if it's only a momentary reprieve, it'll never be that bad again James: me too, I can't & won't pretend that I didn't know how bad it had become but actually getting a break from it makes me wonder how either of us dealt with that for as long as we have Ava: I bet Ava: she must've been as sick of it, even though she was the one not letting go and doing the fucked up shit, that has to be exhausting to live like that Ava: full level hell beast all the time, like 😈 Ava: sorry, I'm not fully sure where the line is re. her Ava: but I've been hearing great things from Nancy and Buster today so, that's in my head James: it's okay, you're not wrong James: & neither are they Ava: Okay Ava: if it's ever weird or like, not up for discussion though, just say the word Ava: or several, as you're especially loquacious James: there's a fantastic word Ava: as far as safewords go Ava: I can think of a few situations where it might be hard to get out but isn't that half the fun James: I'll make a note of it, because yes, that's definitely a large percentage of the thrill Ava: I wish you were here Ava: I only am to get away from my parents for a bit James: where are you? Ava: My friend's house Ava: Her sister is called Stasia, think she was your year-ish? James: I remember her, whether she would me, favourably or otherwise, I can't possibly comment James: I'll take you home when you want to go Ava: Really? Ava: well, I'll go at whatever time means I get some extra with you James: okay, I'll take that as my cue to leave now, not only because any reason to get out of here is welcomed though Ava: Please do Ava: talking about you so much has only made my need to be with you even greater James: I can absolutely relate & admit to having had the same urge all day Ava: Oh good Ava: we're on the same page James: that said, a necessary note in the margin would be that in actual fact I've felt that way much longer, because whatever I'm talking about, I'm thinking about you Ava: Sometimes I think I think about you too much Ava: but then I remember I'm the protagonist in this romance so it's not just acceptable but necessary James: you can do whatever you like, darling, it's your story Ava: In that case Ava: read on James: voraciously Ava: 🤤🤤 James James: I'm just making sure we're still on the same page Ava: You're gonna have trouble keeping me on the page Ava: and making me go home James: & the driver's eyes on the road, we may need more than the Twilight soundtrack on this occasion Ava: Pride & Prejudice 2005? Ava: gotcha, honey James: 😂 James: yes, exactly Ava: 😊 Ava: I love you so much James: I miss you so much James: if I could take you home with me, I very happily would Ava: I know Ava: one day James: after the move to the other side of the river, because we both know there is a line Ava: It's pretty exciting, isn't it? James: I'm glad to hear you think so because I was going to ask you if you'd like to come house hunting with me Ava: I'd love to! James: [a possible date soonish] ? Ava: That should be good for me Ava: I'll let you know if otherwise Ava: it'll be nice to look at some actual decent places, let's face it, I doubt my student digs will be all that inspiring, like 😏 James: barely room for whatever hazing pranks they have in store, I'm sure Ava: I'm still not convinced that particular visual doesn't just come from a certain type of movie, babe James: you'll have to let me know 😏 Ava: I'll make it good for you James: my faith in you remains unwavering Ava: 🙇 James: have you reconsidered your stance on spoilers? Ava: That does depend James: oh? Ava: have you dumped fake girl? James: she was very slow to accept her fate, but yes Ava: I can't blame her Ava: I wouldn't wanna lose you either Ava: [picture, assumedly in her friend's room or somewhere not just in front of them like oh hey] James: Ava Ava: Make traffic move faster please James: I'll do the quickest rewrite possible & see you at your friend's door Ava: I'll be waiting so patiently James: & I'll be waiting impatiently James: 😇 & 😈 Ava: I think you deserve to be 😈 right now Ava: been a long day, yeah? James: yes, though it feels longer now, stretching out with the queued traffic Ava: 🥺 Ava: we'll just have to see it as motivation to not waste a single second James: it's a promise, in or out of traffic Ava: I'm so lucky James: if you think you are, then I need a better word to describe my own fortune right now Ava: I'm just really happy Ava: in spite of anything else, everything else, right now James: good, me too Ava: 🥰 Ava: you deserve that even more James: you deserve more than I can possibly give you, however patiently you wait Ava: nuuh James: yes you do Ava: 😣 Ava: no Ava: and I want you James: I want you, I'm well aware that it doesn't mean I deserve to have you Ava: How could you possibly not James: because James: the reasons I lack words to describe you aren't even close to the reasons I lack them to describe myself Ava: but I can't describe you either Ava: not just because I'm no writer James: but you do, all the time, in both words & actions I can vividly see myself the way you think of me Ava: I'm glad Ava: keep looking, okay Ava: we'll work on the believing bit James: okay James: if you'd like to get in the car, we can start immediately

[mischievouspoltergeist]

When my mother got sick last year, someone asked me why I had such an issue with taking care of her (as I'd expressed I really didn't feel like I 'had' to or owed her that much as she had never taken care of us ever, let alone when we were sick, but that I intended to try anyway) since I called her my best friend (supposedly, at some point, I believe I probably did, it was something she made me say at family gatherings a lot).

It's taken almost a year and a whole lot of shit for me to answer that question: I was stuck in an abusive relationship with my mother and the only way to survive was to make myself believe we really were friends. Because if I let myself realise she really didn't care about me, I could never have sorted in my head why I did everything she wanted, why I went along with so much and why I stuck around.

In many ways, the pattern of abuse was identical to my relationship with a man who had narcissistic personality disorder (diagnosed, aware of it and chose not to engage in help). Except, I left him after four months, but for at least three of those I was kept on a string of believing I was the problem whilst he screamed in my face, bullied me and physically abused me.

My relationship with my mother lasted 23 years. For many of those years I was still a child. I was so easy to indoctrinate with ideas and beliefs that I was the root of all the problems in her world. I went with it. I've spent years feeling like I ruined my mother's life because that's what she told me. I've spent YEARS trying to make up for what I did by being born because that's what she told me to do.

It's led to me growing up to become a vulnerable adult. When I think someone loves me, I think their opinion about me must just be right. Because surely someone who loves you wouldn't tell you were a fat whore unless it was true, right?

It was so easy to dodge questions like 'why do you put up with her if she literally is so rude to you all the time?' with a 'idk. She's my best friend' because don't best friends speak every day? Don't best friends do things together constantly? Don't best friends scream at their best friend when they haven't spoken to them in 5 hours? Don't best friends kick and shout and scream when you say you're busy and can't do anything that day?

My friends witnessed many incidents with my mum and would ask, incredously, why the fuck I hang around her when she spoke to me that way, and it would just be a shrug. It was easier to go along with it than fight it. Fighting back meant being screamed at and frightening displays of controlling behaviour. It was as simple as if I hung around my mum daily, the abuse was at around 30-70% severity dependent on her mood. If I ignored her for a few days, then the abuse was at 80-100% severe. Imagine going to spend the day with someone who is going to yell at you every time you speak, put you down at every chance, find an insecurity and dig and dig and dig. So you avoid that by letting her abuse you just a bit less daily.

I was dependant on my mum for much of life's little things and she made sure of that. It's been hard and relying on my friends to help me is difficult and scary because I'm so used to it coming with a cupful of abuse. I'm always on edge, waiting for it to blow up in my face.

I also just don't know where to draw lines thanks to my mums abuse. How much abuse is too much? My chart is way off. I will keep trying cos god, the size of the cup of abuse my mum fed me daily was absolutely huge compared to the abuse I've ever had from others. Someone could say one nice thing about me and abuse me the rest of the day and that would still be less abuse than my mother dealt me.

I made so many excuses for her. She admitted fully she never wanted me from the start - my dad wanted me but when I was born, he changed his mind and got a job so she had to put her life on hold and so I ruined everything. I was a problem from the start because I was female, and that meant I was going to be abused in her eyes, so she detached herself (was she ever attached?) rather than even attempt to protect me. I excused her for that. I first shouldered the blame for why she hated me when I was 6/7 years old and she told me about her own past. The grand irony is that had she been watching, had she cared to pay attention, I would likely not have been abused. The grandest irony of all was that my biggest abuser was her.

I still catch myself excusing her. 'Oh I always went silent after she screamed at me for daring to ask her not to be nasty towards me. Maybe I could have spoken up more.' even though I know logically that only made things worse. I remember once asking her if I could remove the furniture from my bedroom when she was away (so I could store it in her room) so that I could remove the black mould growing all up my windows, my walls and (as I later discovered), all up the sides of my actual bed and mattress. I was so ill all of the time and my breathing was a mess. I could smell it all the time, it was so overwhelming and although I cleaned what I could, due to my bedroom being a closet, I couldn't get behind anything without removing everything. She said no. No reason, no explanation, just no. Like most things that benefitted me. I was incredibly frustrated and begged that I could barely breathe for mould, she screamed at me that I deserved it and it was my fault. Black mould had been a persistent problem in that room long before I moved into it, as she had lived there before and seen it. I finally raised my voice and told her I wasn't going to accept this blatant disregard for my health and I was going to do it next time she was away anyway. I was paying rent at that point but it did not stop her getting up and getting in my face and telling me to get the fuck out her house. The third or so time she had kicked me out. There was no reasoning with her. She liked it when I suffered.

She is a narcissist through and through and I have been suffocated by narcissistic abuse for 23 years. Even now, she attempts to abuse me via my brother and father and even the government. She has lost her victim - the last person willing to take her shit. Most her family and friends are not willing to help her for more than five minutes as she treats them unkindly when she realises they will take it and stick around. I've watched her do it, and it just gets worse and worse for those people like it did for me. But they leave, because it has not been 23 years for them.

I don't even know where I'm going with this. I'm just... Through. My dad accepted my ultimatum and chose me. It's a weird feeling and a promise I hope he can keep. I know she asks him for information and I have told him to stop giving it to her repeatedly.

To those who think a mother deserves for their child to revere them permanently just because they birthed them... You're wrong. It is our actions and choices that shape our relationship and at every choice, my mother chose to act in her own interests with no care for anyone else. This is a woman who let a man beat her children whilst bragging to them he'd never hit her cos he knew she'd leave. I gave both my parents chances to mend our relationships and believe me, my dad was an appalling parent growing up. He was atrocious. But he decided he wanted to mend that relationship and he wanted to be a dad. Yes, it's sad he didn't realise it sooner but I'm happy for the relationship I have with him now, even if it's not perfect and he really doesn't know how to dad sometimes. My mum? My mum will still tell you it's my fault she finished her degree a year later than she wanted because I was born and I ruined everything 23 years ago. I dared to be born female and put that stress on her. She holds it over my head like it is my responsibility to fix. It has broken me. I've spent 23 years trying to make up to her the faults of my being born and nothing will ever, EVER be good enough to do that. I have given all I have to give. I literally have nothing left to give.

#me #Abuse #Parental abuse #Narcissistic abuse #Actuallyabused

[bybyeblackbird]

Ok so I've seen PotC5 and for me the whole movie is appalling. Why do you think Johnny made the character so disgusting? His jokes just made me sad bc JD as a person has a great sense of humor so...??? What does that mean? Why is that all about fucking all the ladies who happened to be around? Why is he always so stupid when he was proven to be really intelligent in the original trilogy? Just... bullshit. And why did Johnny like the film???

Sorry it took so long to answer this, I wanted to watch the film before I responded. 

WARNING: SPOILERSDOUBLE WARNING: I wasn’t impressed, so if you’re looking for a glowing review please pass by, i’m sorry kids

Basically, I agree with most of this. And to answer your last question: Johnny would have liked this film because this is how Johnny wanted to play Jack.

Guys. I think we’re all trying to ignore that fact and blame his antics in the film on the writer exclusively. But doing that is ignoring that A) Johnny co-wrote the script and B) the MULTIPLE comments we all know Johnny has made, in the past AND on this very press tour, about how he believes Jack has no character arc or depth, and is just there to have fun. The directors ALSO said this.

Here’s the thing: I understand the defence about ‘the character was written that way in this film, he’s supposed to be down and then redeem himself.’ And I’m all for that! I would love to see that! The problem is, I didn’t see that at all. It’s set up perfectly to give Jack a redemption arc. That’s clearly what the script intended. 

But it’s not what Johnny intended. And it’s not what the directors intended.

Lottie put it so much better in her review, here. But what it comes down to is this equation: 

The main actor and the directors believing Jack has no arc nor depth + the script giving Jack an arc and depth = the mess we ended up with.

As Lottie put it: 

I could ultimately see what they were trying to do, and it kind of worked in the first half, but it was so poorly executed because ultimately they created a contradiction for themselves. the directors and Johnny have stated on multiple occasions that Jack is now apparently a character without arc or development, and yet they put him into a narrative where he is supposed to change in some way between the start and end point. I said this before when I remarked last week that it was ironic he had an ‘arc’ in this movie considering those comments: he’s meant to get somewhere, regain his rep, return to a ( mostly ) sober state – but they kept stagnating him in the narrative because he is this weird arc-less character at this point. it just didn’t make any fucking sense. if you’re going to put a static character into a narrative ( as Jack apparently is nowadays ), then you don’t put him in it at a relative low point, changed from the last time we saw him as an audience and apt to change/develop along the course of the narrative as he ‘redeems’ himself. you’re just writing yourself into a brick wall. he should have been FINE the moment the Black Pearl was restored, but they kept returning him to this earlier drunken, idiotic state without reason even after that point and it just made the whole thing really sloppy. you want to paint Jack at his lowest point? well by doing so, you’re giving the audience a stake in seeing Jack redeem himself and return to the character we know and love – and yet there was no obvious sign that had happened, no natural development that saw him slowly but steadily getting his groove back and taking control of his own narrative until the very end, when suddenly he was absolutely fine even though he’d been fighting plot convenient alcoholism for the entire movie. 

And that’s the truth of it. And you can’t blame it entirely on the writer or script (though he DOES have some explaining to do about just ignoring the trilogy completely *cough* compass *cough*). It was Johnny’s choice to play Jack with no obvious redemption arc, as the script set him up to do by showing us at what is obviously meant to be his lowest point.

And it’s not bad acting, it’s just Johnny’s character choice. With many movies you can say ‘don’t blame the actor, blame the script!’ But you and I all know that doesn’t apply to Johnny. Johnny doesn’t blindly follow the script. Johnny wants what he wants and Johnny gets what he wants. He WANTED Jack to be the humorous relief. He WANTED Jack to have no depth or arc - leave that to the other characters. It’s his choice and he chose. I’m not here to tell him he *can’t* choose something for a character he created. I don’t like it, but I’m not here to salivate over everything he does and everything he chooses anyways. 

He’s made lots of choices I don’t like. We all remember Private Resort. 😜

So anyways, clearly I had a problem with the way Jack was portrayed so I think you can guess my feelings about the content of the jokes he cracked. They were lazy and annoying, and I knew already how he described Elizabeth from all the comments I heard, but I still wasn’t prepared for how sick it made me feel, watching him descend to that level. It was disgusting. Johnny said he ‘really upped the stakes with the humour,’ and in my opinion he completely missed the mark and just made him so off-putting. 

AND WHAT THE FUCK WAS WITH ALL THE SEX JOKES???? not even just Jack but like… everyone???? Carina and Henry went on about his hand placement, the horologist thing was funny for about 5 seconds and then became stupid, MARTY JOKED ABOUT FUCKING SCRUM’S MOTHER like honestly i was so put off by seemingly every attempt at humour. The boat undressing scene was somehow even more disgusting in the film than the trailers, and that wedding scene??? fuck off. It added absolutely nothing to the plot, was put in for what I’m assuming was supposed to be comedic effect but wasn’t at all funny (to me), and used the tired old trope of ‘let’s make the leading man have to entertain the presence of this fat chick he refers to as an object so the audience can laugh at how gross she is.’ Johnny’s facial expressions were honestly great in that scene but I couldn’t even appreciate it because I was so repulsed by the whole thing.

THINGS I DID LIKE:

How protective Jack was of Henry, even if he didn’t show it overtly. Which is one of the only three moments where i recognized Old Jack (overtly sassy and pretends not to care about people but through actions shows he deeply does)

Second thing where I glimpsed Old Jack: The smile after the Pearl rose from the water. I saw that grin and I started grinning and Andrea looked over and asked me if I was crying LOL

Third thing where I glimpsed Old Jack: When his crew leaves him. That hurt look on his face tore me up.

CARINA. Seriously, can anyone claim that Carina did not carry this fucking film. I honestly kept thinking ‘Jack can u shut the fuck up so Carina can talk please.’ Carina was great.

Scrum. He fucking kills me, man. When he was trying to save Carina; man I was dying with laughter

Gibbs - there was one moment that for some reason was the funniest and purest moment of the whole movie? And I don’t know if anyone else even caught it and maybe it’s just cause I watched P1,2,3 all this weekend - there was a moment where they were on the Dying Gull while it was still on land and they didn’t know if it would even sail, and Jack bellowed some order like ‘prepare to set sail’ or some shit. and usually whenever Jack gives orders, Gibbs will repeat them and expand on them and give more details of what to do like ‘Prepare to cast off!’ ‘Prepare to fire!’ etc.; he’s the first mate obvs! But this time when Jack gave the order, Gibbs just goes, ‘Prepare to drown!’ AND I WAS DYING i was like the only one laughing but it was just so perfectly timed and delivered and sassed????

Barbossa - Geoffrey did well with what he was given and though i think the reveal of that whole emotional tie was super rushed and not well explained, I think Geoffrey did really well with what he was given to work with, and had my eyes watering in *that* scene

Anyways that was a novel but i started answering your question and then it turned into a full fucking review apparently - feel free to ask about any parts of the movie you want to know how I felt about, but be warned I’m in a very honest and unforgiving mood right now 😈

#Anonymous #lani answers #johnny depp #pirates of the caribbean